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NicholasSynovic
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young for a space he listened to the wind as it cried in the window to the branches of the upon one another and moaning as in self inflicted pain were calling early the coarse voices by the blast met and crossed one another died away in a side street to again and again encounter such words as were seemed of sinister import to the imagination then de s shuffling footsteps crossed the floor of the room overhead the wire of his bed as he sat on the edge of it kicking off his slippers and putting on walking boots as might be gathered from followed by an equally but heavier tread a door opened closed and the footsteps descended the stairs on the landing without they paused for an time but to mr s great relief deciding against attempt of entry continued their cheerless progress down to the hall below yet just now could have found it in his heart to envy the man notwithstanding his of attitude and aspect for in him ambition still stirred he had still definite work to do and the hope of fame to support him during the doing of it had the of the theatre the applause of an audience in the white heat of enthusiasm to dream of and strive after but for me nothing repeated whether vital as of those far away southern battle fields or and close at hand as of the stage not even the sting of poverty to appetite and give an edge to bodily the far horizon hunger nothing either of fear or of hope the measure of my obscurity is the measure of my from change of fortune bad or good i am worthless even as food for powder danger herself will have none of me and passes me by with that he raised his hands and let them drop along the arms of the chair again while the tears for a minute or more he remained thus weeping silently with bowed head then a movement of self contempt taking him he regained his calm sat upright brushing away the tears and it was as though in thus a clearer physical vision he regained a clearer mental vision likewise purpose asserted itself as against mere blind acquiescence looked up demanding as of right some measure of consolation some object promising help so doing his eyes sought a certain oak set in an frame from his earliest childhood he remembered it for it had hung in his mother s and in those years while she still had sufficient force to disregard opposition and make an open practice of prayer she had before it when engaged in her waking at night when as a baby child during his father s long he slept in her room had often seen the delicate kneeling figure wrapped in some loose flowing garment the hands outstretched in even then in the first push of conscious intelligence the picture had spoken to him as something for all its and sadness and very strong to help it had given him a sense of protection and security so that his little soul was satisfied and he could go to sleep again in peace sure that his mother was in safe keeping while as he said she talked to it in the long interval which had elapsed since then he had lost touch with the spirit of it though preserving it as among the most cherished of the far horizon his family relics his appreciation of it had become rather than religious but now as it hung on the dimly white wall above his writing table on the window side of the fireplace the dreary london afternoon light took the surface of it bringing all the details of the scene into suddenly unexpectedly the old power declared itself the picture came alive as to the intention and meaning of it it spoke to him once again and that with no uncertain voice three tall narrow crosses uplifted against a sky below a multitude of men women and horses carved in varying degrees of relief some starting into bold some barely indicated and as though imprisoned in the thickness of the wood but all grave energetic and whether inspired by compassion or by mockery fierce these around a great web of linen by some of them at the four comers wise high at the head low at the foot wherein lay the corpse of a man in the very flower of his age of heroic proportions spare yet muscular long and finely of limb the slender the head borne proudly though bent the features severely beautiful the whole even in the physical of death in this spanish of the closing act of the divine tragedy the pagan element which too many otherwise admirable works of religious art was absent its appeal was to the intellect rather than to the emotions effort rather than inviting any sentimental passion of pity its message was that of conquest of iron self mastery and self restraint this was and courage even when viewed from the exclusively artistic but now not merely the of the event held attention but the event presented the thing in itself his heart and intelligence grasped the meaning of it not only as a matter of supreme the far horizon historic interest in view of its astonishing influence upon human during the last two thousand years but as an ever present reality as an of the absolute of that which has been and will be and hence of and immediate importance to himself it spoke to him of no vague and general truth but of a truth intimate and individual coming to him as the call to enter upon a personal inheritance of obedience to the of natural religion and faithful practice of the of it had all his life been a remarkable if unconscious but this awakening of the spirit	32
to the of supernatural religion this crossing of that dark of space which appears to between almighty god and the mind of man was new to him he had sought a language of the soul which might effect an between the exterior and interior life here in the word made flesh with amazement he found it he had sought it through the of the things of time and sense and they though full with promise had proved he had fixed his hope on relation to the creature but here all the while close beside him waiting till the scales should fall from his eyes and he should see and understand had stood the creator fair very fair while it lasted was human friendship but here had he but strength and daring to meet it was a friendship infinitely fairer eternal namely the friendship of almighty god the wind still cried in the window harsh and the branches of the tree upon one another uttering their long drawn complaint the voices of the hoarse and shouting their sinister message still came and went the livid light of the winter afternoon grew more dreary as it sank into and was absorbed by the deepening dusk but the far horizon to these things had ceased to matter dazzled enchanted confounded alike by the magnitude and the simplicity of his discovery he remained gazing at the gazing through and beyond it to that of which it was the medium and gazing clear eyed and away to the far horizon radiant with the surpassing glory of the light chapter the black week had just ended but the humiliation of it lay as a weight upon the heart of london three crushing in eight days and finally there was no getting rid of the facts or the meaning of them in respect of and reckless waste of personal it was a sorry tale and one over which europe at large chuckled it has been universally assumed that the english are a serious nation this is an error they are not serious but indifferent a nation of each mainly not to say exclusively occupied with his own private affairs with the vast majority unity of sentiment is suspect and patriotism a passive rather than an active virtue but at this under the stress of repeated disaster unity of sentiment and patriotism that is a sense of the national honour and necessity for the of it became strongly evident london was profoundly and visibly moved not with excitement that came later itself in hysterical of relief but with a grim anger and sadness of astonishment that such things could indeed be strangers passing in the street looked one another in the eyes a common anxiety unexpected bonds of the town was curiously hushed as though listening always listening for those ugly messages rushed so perpetually by cable from men s faces were strained by the effort to hear and hearing to judge justly the extent and the bearings of both national and individual damage already mourning struck a sensible note in women s dress if the little he was careful to do so at home or in meet the far horizon ing places frequented only by persons with himself it may be questioned whether he is not ever most courageous when under covert thus since shooting out of windows or from behind hedges would appear to be his inherent and not particularly gallant notion of sport the alone openly and rejoiced the situation as on day or boat race night and putting a gilded dome to the horror by highly lies when truth proved evil to custom to the extent of his desires depression as of storm the social atmosphere churches were full places of amusement comparatively empty to laugh seemed an on amid surrounding bravery of imperial purple and gold st john sat at the extreme end of the first row of balcony in the newly opened twentieth century theatre this was a calm and secluded spot since the dividing off the boxes it on the right partly on this account had selected it partly also because it afforded an excellent view of the left of the stage and it was on the left looking from the body of the house that the principal action of the piece as far as dot s part was concerned took place was she wanted an evening s rest an evening free of conversation and effort but she wanted something to look at too something affording just sufficient to keep thought at bay this the theatre supplied it had ceased long ago to tire her she knew the ways of it from both sides of the uncommonly well and loved them indifferently much she was a shrewd and cynical critic nevertheless to go to the play was a sort of going home to her a home neither very nor morally exalted perhaps but one offering the advantages of perfect f the far huddled in a black velvet fur reaching to her feet and abundantly with jet and black lace she settled herself in her place the soft fur was against her bare neck she felt chilly later she might thereby exhibiting the of the rest of her costume but it was not worth while to do so yet the first piece was over but the house was still a poor one it might fill up she hoped it would for dot s sake for few things are more than to play to empty benches but at present the audience was altogether too for it to be worth while to sacrifice comfort to effect in point of fact was cold from sheer fatigue for the last to employ her own rather she had had persistently and been going the pace no doubt they do these things better in france yet as she reflected provided you are by prejudice	32
are fairly in funds and know the ropes even fog london is in this particular connection by no means to be at and truly s during the said month would have made extremely merry reading in some aspects to a positive classic though of the kind hardly suited as a basis of instruction for the pupils of a young ladies school setting aside adventures of a more questionable character a positively alarming good luck had pursued her everything she touched turning to gold even in this hour of financial depression the market favoured her both in buying and selling if she put money on a horse that horse was sure to win if she played cards and she had played pretty constantly she inevitably her this last alone of all her doubtful doings really troubled her for her had frequently been youthful and it was contrary to s principles to pluck the but half ll aa the far horizon this solitary from her somewhat code of she had on the face of it ample cause for self never had she been more gaily audacious in word or deed never had she been better company keeping her audience an almost exclusively masculine one in a roar all the louder perhaps because of inward defiance of the news from over seas the humiliation of which had now in the of the black week flame only shows the brighter for a sombre background and during this ill period had been as a flame to her admirers and associates a fitful flame full of provocation and the light of it to all manner of wild doings and in the end not those pretty who were over bold in warming themselves at the heat of it for fires of the sort lighted by are not precisely such as contribute to the peace and security of the domestic hearth but now she was tired the fun seemed fun no so that notwithstanding her she found herself a prey to dissatisfaction discontent and a disposition to recall all the less happy of her varied career she yawned quite loudly as she laid opera glasses and play bill upon the velvet cushion in front of her and pulled the soft fur lined garment up closer about her shoulders the first act s safe to be anyhow and dot does not come on till just the end of it i wonder if i dare go to sleep she asked herself gently rubbing her eyes it would be awfully nice to forget the whole blooming show past present and to come for a little while and plunge in the waters of oblivion oblivion with a capital o a dose of that s what i want beautiful consolation of a word oblivion if one could only believe in the existence of it which somehow i can t the far horizon here the strains of the ceased the lights were turned low in the body of the house the curtain went up as it did so a cold draught drew from regions behind the stage laden with that of gas humanity stair and paint canvas and places the sun never which haunts the working part of every theatre smiled as she it with a queer mingling of enjoyment and for as is the smell of ocean to the of mother earth to the peasant of incense to the priest so is the smell of the theatre to the player nature may revolt but the spell holds once an actor always an actor the mark of the calling is even to the third and fourth generation there is no rubbing it out i suppose it would have been wiser if i had stuck to the profession commented to herself i should have been a leading lady by now drawing my thirty to forty a week i had the root of the matter in me have it still worse luck for it s the sort of root which its continued existence by aching at times like that of a broken tooth it was a to give it all up but then those rotten plays of his impossible stuff which would never act couldn t act and i carrying them round to manager after manager and using all the gentle arts i knew to get them accepted oh it was very dignified it was very pretty and then his perpetual for money his jealousy and spite and his fine feelings his infernal superiority yes that was what really did the job flesh and blood couldn t stand it to prove to a woman at three meals daily that she couldn t hold a candle to you in birth or brains or education and then expect her to slave for you and make it jolly hot for her if she didn t too while you sat at home and the delusion of your own heaven born genius in the far horizon the only decently comfortable chair in the house no it was not good enough that it was not surveyed the stage her great eyes wide with memories i wonder what s become of him she said presently he hasn t me for months has he found some other poor wretch to must have i imagine for he always declared he was on the edge of starvation supposing that was true though supposing he has starved her thought sank away into a reverie of the description suddenly she roused herself her hands in her lap well supposing he has what does it matter to me if ever a man deserved to starve he did vain lazy cowardly self seeking of a fellow why in the name of reason should i trouble about him specially to night but then why whenever i am a bit done does the remembrance of him always come back yawned again staring at the persons	32
on the stage hearing the sound of their speech but knowing only the sense of her own thought why because it s like him because it s altogether in the part he was always on the watch for his opportunity or directly he saw one had no fight left in one till he got his own way she leaned forward resting her hands on the velvet cushion i am tired she said all the same it s rather horrible if the thing came over again which it can t i should do precisely the same as i did and yet i m never quite sure which of us was really in the right and therefore i suppose just as long as i live whenever i m i am to night i shall work the far horizon the whole hateful business through again and the remembrance of him win always come back she pushed the soft heavy masses of hair up from her forehead with both hands in the main it was your own fault de and you know that it was most women would not have held out nearly as long as i did so lie quiet let me be starve if you ve got as far on the as that what do i care i owe you nothing you never gave me a child so starve if you must yes starve she said then she gathered herself back into her stall her expression changed ah there s dot they re giving her a reception bless them how awfully sweet for poor little dot her hands went up to and for the ten minutes her fatigue was forgotten she became absorbed in the action of the piece chapter xix dot earned a recall at the end of the first act conquering by sheer force of personality that gloomy and half hearted audience and st john among whose many faults lack of generosity certainly could not be counted standing up leaned right out over the barrier of the dress circle crying and clapping her hands to achieve the latter demonstration with she had stripped off her gloves then as the lights were turned up and the curtain swung into the place she proceeded to further namely that of her black embroidered which she threw across the back of the empty stall beside her thereby revealing a startling costume for she was clothed in rose scarlet from shoulder to foot and that without ornament of any description to break up the daring of colour save the stiff black in her hair tipped with diamond points which flashed and glittered as she moved the soft de of which her dress was made her figure cross wise without apparent it to the turn of the thence the skirt flowed down in a of rose scarlet and which behind her far the was cut in a deep v back and front showing her bare neck her arms were bare too from the elbow her skin sallow by day took on a delicate ivory whiteness under the electric light by accident or design she had omitted to tinge her cheeks to night and the even of her face the of her eyes just now with sympathy and enthusiasm for the artist in all else and the far horizon alert the of the actor s life was upon her the side of it forgotten its unworthy and the and prolonged weariness of its many disappointments heart and sordid these were as though they were not so that the stage called her even as the sea calls one and mother earth another and religion a third ah aren t i just hot though she said half aloud as she flung off her and what a of a creature dot is after all an of genius well she s every right to that as one knows when one looks at james s pictures he d genius he didn t living my stars there was a man capable of adding to the number of one s emotions and she s inherited his gifts on her own lines what a voice what gestures she is as clever as she can stick oh she s a real joy of a demon of a thing bless her and she s nothing like come to her full strength yet then growing aware that she herself and her vivid attire were beginning to attract more attention than in the interests of a quiet evening she desired subsided languidly into her stall and picking up her slowly surveyed the occupants of the house there to begin with was in the second row of the on either hand by a of followers his round dark head and the set of his tremendous shoulders were unmistakable was very far from being a model young man yet had a soft spot in her heart for this aristocratic and his constancy to dot was really touching with a dog like and this otherwise most turbulent of his sex had followed the object of his affections from music hall to comic opera from comic opera to the high places of legitimate drama and dot meanwhile remained serenely and the far horizon her high born weight lover telling him cheerfully she really had no use for him though his intentions were strictly honourable five years hence she added when he was an elderly peer and she had begun to grow broad in the beam and the public had begun to grow tired of her she might perhaps contemplate the of but not yet awhile no thank you her art held all her love satisfied all her passions she had none to waste upon mankind two days hence as knew would sail for south africa to offer an extensive to bullets he had come to bid farewell to night to the object of his affections and his followers some of whom	32
were also bound for the seat of war had come to support him during those pathetic proceedings in the boxes she recognised more than one woman whose rank of riches had rendered her appearance common property through the medium of the illustrated papers but upon these social she bestowed scant scrutiny to her they did not matter since she had a comfortable conviction that given their chances she might safely have backed herself to beat them at their own game one large and gentle looking lady did attract her by the innocence of her mild eyes set wide apart and by the beauty of her small mouth her light brown hair touched with grey back from her low forehead under a of delicate lace she was calm yet there was an engaging timidity in her aspect as she sheltered behind the farther curtain of the box beside her sat a young girl white clad fresh in appearance an expression of happy half shy expectation upon her charming face them in the shadow kindly handsome stood lord his resemblance to the large and gentle lady declared them brother and sister st john watched the little party with a movement the far horizon of tenderness she perceived that they were very fond of one another moreover they were so simple m bearing and manner so well bred but of what was the pretty maiden so expectant of something or somebody far more immediately interesting to her than players or play so judged turning from the contemplation of these pleasant people with a sigh she could hardly have even to herself swept the dress circle with her presently she paused and with a lift of surprise looked steadily again then let both hands and glasses drop upon her rose scarlet cap four rows up and back on the far side in a stall next the stepped gang way a man sat his face was turned away his shoulder being her as he leaned sideways talking to the woman beside him a slender faded yet elegant person of uncertain age dressed in black in the seat beyond also leaning forward and taking part in the conversation was another man of so an appearance as very nearly to make laugh aloud she would unquestionably have done so had she been at leisure but she was not at leisure her eyes travelled back to the figure beside the gang way which both her interest and her memory tall spare dressed yet with an effect of something aloof unusual about him he provoked her curiosity with suggestions of times and places quite other than of the present who is it said to herself surely i know him who the is it the conversation ceased the man drew himself up turned his head and gave a little choking cry as she found herself staring straight in the face whether he recognised her she did not know did not want to know just yet for she needed a minute or two the far horizon to reckon with the position it was so wholly unexpected it affected her more deeply than she could have anticipated not without amusement she that she had never heretofore quite believed in him as an ordinary mortal who ate and drank went to plays had relations with human beings other than herself and conducted himself generally on the commonplace lines of modem humanity therefore to see him under existing circumstances was in a sense a shock to her she did not like it absurd and unreasonable though it undoubtedly was to feel it so yet his presence here struck her as in a way she had never thought of him in this connection and it took a little time to get to this aspect of him then she discovered with half humorous annoyance that she was called upon to get accustomed to something as well namely to her memories of the past month since she parted from him for it was that the said memories took on a queer enough complexion in the light of this sudden encounter with if an hour ago they had been now they were very near odious and that seemed hardly fair turned wicked for what s the worry after all she asked herself why on earth am i either disappointed or penitent is he no better than the rest of us or am i no worse and with what am i quarrelling in any case his being less of a saint or i less of a sinner than i d been pleased to imagine i m sure i don t know instinctively her eyes sought that kindly lord with him at least as she reflected one knew exactly where one was since his feet were always very much upon the floor but here again discomfiture alas awaited her for another person and evidently a welcome one had joined that pleasant little party standing beside the large and gentle lady speak the far horizon ing quickly his face keen and eager she beheld barking lord smiling patted the man affectionately on the shoulder and then with a shudder of pain right through her st john glancing at the graceful white lad maiden understood of whose coming this one had been so sweetly and gladly expectant to the strong is something in all certainty even certainty of disaster and it was very characteristic of that at this juncture no cry came to her no sob to her throat she shuddered that once it is true but then setting her teeth the whole daring of her nature rose to the situation as a high horse rises to a heavy fence what lay on the other side of that she did not know as yet nor did she stop to consider desperate though it looked she took it gallantly without fuss or well there s no about this affair anyhow she said grimly of	32
the said crowd presented to s nerves and exalted sensibility was repulsive for it suggested to her a flight of gigantic black strong and white driven forth by a common hunger rather cruelly active and intent her sense of humour was in as was her triumphant the far horizon common sense so that her thought going behind appearances and the sane interpretation of them declined to that region in which the root laws of animal life become bare and distinct out of the deep places of her own womanhood a hatred towards this crowd of men arose that enmity which exists between the sexes asserting itself and for the time being both reason and justice for upon what as she asked herself bitterly when all is said and done do these male human pasture save on the souls and bodies of women finding a garden before them and too often leaving but a desert behind sex as sex became to her its its pleasures as as its sins but from the black throng the trim figure of the box keeper just then detached itself and a moment later looking up beheld standing before her chapter xx you sent for me so i have come said for st john usually so just now appeared speechless from the moment he had become aware of her presence in the theatre had been sensible that she presented herself under a new aspect of the many different he had seen this was by far the most powerful and dramatic she stood out from the rest of the audience as some splendid flower stands out from a thick set mass of foliage conspicuous in form and colour and in promise there were handsome women smart women beautifully dressed women in plenty but did not shade in with all these making but part of a general effect she remained unique solitary and this not merely on account of her vivid the effect of her told upon the mind quite as much as upon the sight yet she did not look out of place she looked indeed at home out of doors in the country she had struck as a slight creature unreal and here amid highly artificial and conventional surroundings she seemed to him the most natural and vital being present retaining the completeness of her individuality the energy and mystery of it alike almost evident and untouched ceased to consider her in relation to his and her broken friendship or in relation to that which he so reluctantly divined of her private life he contemplated her in herself finding an element of things primitive in her which commanded his admiration though it failed so far to touch his heart and if this was the impression he received seeing her at a comparative the far horizon distance that impression was greatly seeing her now at close quarters the contrast between the subtle softness and the as of a of her dress the weariness of her attitude and the melancholy of her eyes stirred him profoundly yes she answered quietly almost coldly i know i sent this was about the last place i should have expected to run across you i flattered myself i was safe enough here i didn t wish to meet you one little bit still when i did see you i wanted you you re the most impossible person to rid of somehow her voice and manner softened a little so i sent for you i don t know why because now i ve got you i seem to have changed my mind i have nothing to say i can easily go remarked gravely no no no she replied why should you hurry i m sure those two you re the turned hind side before and the withered leaf can t be interesting and i like to look at you i never saw you before in evening dress and you re more grand than ever but something s happened to you i can t tell off hand what it is whether you ve come on or gone back but you re altered i have had an illness said simply and i have been very unhappy neither of those are good enough answered the alteration is right inside you in your soul but you re well again now she added yes i am well again now and you re no longer unhappy no he said i am sad for life is sad but i am no longer unhappy that s a nice distinction put in with a rather scornful what s cured your not an affair of the heart please don t me it s any the far horizon thing to do with a woman for i warn you i m awfully off the affections to night you can make yourself quite easy on that point said with a lift of the head his native pride asserting itself ah that s more like old times s voice softened again so did the expression of her face suppose you sit down dear lunatic this wait is a long one i know dot told me it was let the play about together for a little it will do them good and i find i wanted you rather more than i knew at first i m beginning to have something to say after all words only words perhaps still it s a to sit here with you like this the comers of s mouth drooped and quivered i m having an bad time and there s worse ahead i am sorry i am grieved said for the charm had begun to work again and friendship as he began to know although broken winged was very far from dead we won t talk about that she put in or i might make a fool of myself dear man i think better go home i m awfully tired still i m better for seeing	32
you she stood up just help me on with my coat thanks that s right oh i say there are the on the looking for you s tragic eyes turned naughty malicious gay even for a moment what sport she said unhappy the withered leaf has intentions i see that she d like to eat me without salt don t marry her promise me you won t ah heavenly heavenly she cried i need no promises bless you your face is quite enough wretched withered leaf but look here she went on as she gathered the soft warm garment about her i m tired of your give me your the far horizon card i may want you again so let me have your name and address and giving it to her as she requested she studied it for a minute silently then she turned away i want nothing more don t come down with me one of the boys will get me a i d rather be alone so just go back to your beloved and no longer nameless one she said chapter xxi thin sunshine in through the lace curtains of the dining room window encouraged thereby the its feathers making little snapping and noises meanwhile with its tongue and the grass of the green seen between the black stems of the trees glittered with while the houses on the opposite side of it looked flat and owing to the veil of mist s carts by at a sharp trot the defined sound of them breaking up the all murmur of london and dying out into it again as they passed at the street comer some twenty yards away a german band doubtfully sweet music the making earnest efforts to keep the rest of the instruments up to their work by the of loud and it was a pleasant and cheery morning as december mornings go yet reigned at the breakfast table the day of s oft discussed departure had dawned a few hours hence she would remove herself and her boxes to her cousin lady s residence in square this should have proved a source of regret to her host and hostess and they were conscience stricken to themselves though not to one another since each the other with more sentiments than his or her own that relief rather than regret did actually possess them a secret from one another and that a slightly one was so foreign to the experience of the excellent couple that it lay heavy upon their hearts each moreover was aware of shame in the presence of as in that of a person upon whom they the far horizon had inflicted an injury hence which the sunshine was powerless to may i pass you the eggs or bacon or both george inquired his blue eyes meanwhile humbly imploring pardon for his lack of sorrow at her impending departure s manner was stiff and abstracted this combined with the rustling of her filled him with anxiety was it possible that she knew thank you only an egg not that one please it is much too large i prefer the smallest i am not feeling hungry i should never call you much of a breakfast mrs observed in her comfortable voice from behind the tea urn she was desirous to her guest now i am rather hearty myself in the morning always have been so i do not know whether it is a good thing or not as a habit still i think to day you should force yourself a little you should always make provision against a journey and then no doubt you are rather fatigued with packing and getting home so late from the theatre i am pleased to think you had an your last night here tells me the play was very i dare say it was replied of course george would be a much better judge of that than i am mamma was always very particular what we heard and saw when we were children and i know i am inclined to think things vulgar which other people only find amusing i did not remark any vulgarity and do not think mr would countenance anything of that kind in the presence of a lady he would ascertain beforehand the nature of the piece to which he invited any lady this from george oh of course i don t say there was anything vulgar t the far horizon i should not like to commit myself to an opinion i really have been to the theatre very seldom mamma never encouraged our going and then of course old dr the of st s at whose church we always attended of the theatre he had great influence with mamma and he thought it wicked indeed mrs commented i should be sorry to think that as so many go but he may have come across the evils of it personally he had a son an artist who was very wild i believe and i remember to have heard our dear speak of dr as but a true and a very grand preacher i dare say he was i don t mean that his son was wild i know nothing about that of course but that dr was a great preacher spoke the of her egg meanwhile as though on the watch for unpleasant foreign bodies but she continued i cannot of course be expected to remember his sermons though i may have been taken to hear him i suppose i certainly was taken but i was quite too much of a child to remember remembers them but then was so very much older she ceased to contemplate her egg and looked up at her hostess must be very nearly your age or she may be a year or eighteen months younger yes judging by the difference between her age and mine she must be quite eighteen months	32
younger of course now thinks going to the play wicked i often wonder whether that is not partly because she sitting still and listening when other people are doing something likes to take part in everything herself i often wonder what she would do in church if it was not for the and the singing i am sure she would never sit out a the far horizon service where the congregation did not join in cannot bear a service she calls it un english and i do not dislike it i mean i do not dislike a service but then i do not consider the theatre wicked i am not prejudiced against it as is still i cannot deny that i think you do hear very odd things and see very over dressed people at the theatre looked severely at her host thereby the anxiety which possessed him for once again as so often during the past eight or ten hours a picture presented itself and fascinating to his mental vision namely that of his dear and honoured friend the grave and stately helping an unknown lady of remarkably attractive personal appearance on with a wonderful black velvet garment doing so in the way in the world too as though it were an event of occurrence while the and of her skirts flowed in rosy about his feet what did the picture asked himself and still more what did suppose it do you indeed mrs put in in amiable response to her guest s last remark she was sensible of being hurt by the allusion to her age but then was going and she knew that fact did not distress her as deeply as it might have done she therefore rose superior to wounded feelings it s many years since i ve been much of a she continued and people tell me it s all a good deal changed and not for the better i suppose the dressing nowadays is sadly extravagant i am sure i don t know and i should always be timid of anybody or their amusements but there as i always do say if you want to keep a happy mind there is so much it is well to be ignorant of i wonder if it is i mean i wonder if it is well to be u the far horizon ignorant of things said of course if people think you are willing to be ignorant it them in deceiving you i think it is very wrong to be sooner or later it is sure to come out and then it is very difficult to forgive people indeed i am not sure it is right to forgive them with difficulty restrained a groan his food was as ashes in his mouth his tea as waters of bitterness oh i should be sorry to go as far as that mrs remonstrated if you give way to feelings you can never tell quite where they may carry you but as i was going to say though i am not much of a i was very pleased to have mr invite me only as i explained to him i am very liable to find the seats too narrow for comfort in places of amusement and the atmosphere is often so very close too he was most polite and but then that s mr all over he always is the perfect gentleman paused her fork arrested in mid to her mouth i am not sure that i agree with you she said i am not sure whether i think mr is really polite or whether he only appears to be so because it suits his purpose of course you and know him far better than i do perhaps you understand i cannot pretend that i understand him i may be wrong but i often wonder whether there is not a good deal which is rather about mr after throwing which gave her whole attention to her breakfast usually would have in defence of his friend but a guilty conscience held him tongue tied not so strive as she might those allusions to her age still and under cover of protest against injustice to the absent she the far horizon paid off a of her private score to her warm satisfaction well i am sure she cried i never could have that anybody could question mr s gen i would sooner doubt that i would and fear him again the good man came near groaning it was as though the wife planted a in his heart and after you playing the piano to him so frequently the few days mr stopped here and seeming so comfortable together and friendly and his inviting us all to the theatre really i must say i do think you sadly that i do no i am not the other lady declared both voice and colour rising slightly nobody ever accused me of being before and i do not like it i do not think you are at all justified in making such an accusation but i am observant i always have been so even allows that i am very observant i cannot help being so and i do not wish to help it i think it is much safer it helps you to find out who you can really trust and of course i observed a great deal thai happened last night i felt from the first that i owed it to myself to be particularly on my guard because certain had been made you know you have made them more than once yourself and some people might have thought that things had gone rather far when mr was stopping here i believe mrs and that dreadful miss did think it i do not say that things did go far i only say that people might naturally think that they had on several occasions mr conduct did	32
error moreover but that naturally was a very minor she was bursting with curiosity she asked whatever did happen last night mr met a lady friend she sent for him to talk to her in the between the acts he answered the red deepening in his clean fresh coloured face not any of that lodge lot oh dear no not all he replied his eyes full of gratitude he blessed the of the wife but speedily embarrassment he found this subject singularly difficult to deal with not at all of their class i confess it did surprise me for though i have always taken it for granted belonged to a higher circle by birth than that in which we have known him i had no idea he had such aristocratic acquaintances his looks and manner in public last night made him seem fitted for any company still i was surprised did he not introduce you no i cannot say he had a convenient opportunity and the lady may not have wished it i could fancy she might hold herself a little above us but between ourselves i believe that was what so upset i am of opinion mr is just as well without mrs declared i suppose she cannot help it but her temper is sadly uncertain i begin to fear she would be very in marriage but was the lady young the good man blushed furiously yes imder thirty i should suppose and very striking to look at had called my attention to her already she thought her over dressed i am no judge of that but i could see she was very beautiful the far horizon c oh dear this in high protest for the speaker belonged to that section of the british public in which is even yet deeply with the dreary consequence that beauty whether of person or in art is suspect to admit its existence on to speak of it openly is to skirt the edges of however had developed boldness so she was my dear he repeated not in the least for once she was beautiful dark and splendid with eyes that looked right through you mocking and yet mournful they made a noble couple she and notwithstanding the of age as they stood there together i felt honoured to see them both and if is to have friends with whom we are though i do not deny the thing hurt me a little at first i am glad they should be so handsome and fine it seems to me fitting and as if he was in his true sphere at last a silence followed this profession of faith during which mrs s face presented a singular study she stared at her husband in amazement while the comers of her mouth and her large soft cheeks quivered well i should never have expected to hear you talk so she said it seems unlike you somehow almost as though you were your own flesh and blood no no he answered i could never do that i could never be so forgetful of all i owe to my own family and to yours i am under deep obligations to both but it would be to deny that i set a wonderfully high value on regard and have done so ever since we were boys together at school to me has always stood by himself i knowing how superior he was to me in mind and in all else so that it has been my truest the far horizon honour and privilege to be admitted to intimacy with him but the difference between us never came home to me as it did when i saw him in other company last night he is fitted for a higher position than he has ever filled yet we all used to allow that in old days at the bank or for any society we can offer him so though i felt in a measure i felt glad for i can grudge him nothing in the way of new friends even though they may be differently placed to ourselves and should come between him and me a little making our intercourse less frequent and easy than in the past from my heart i wish him the very best that is going although it should be rather to myself mrs s cheeks still quivered but the expression of her face was once more not to say obstinate jealousy indeed possessed her for the first time in her whole experience she her husband as an individual as a human independent of herself to contemplate him otherwise than in the relation was a shock to her she felt deserted a on hence jealousy resentment cruel hurt well to be sure what a long story she cried in tones approaching sarcasm and all about who is no relation too whatever possesses you you aren t a bit like yourself it seems to me this morning everybody s she heaved herself up out of her chair i shall go and try to make it up with she continued it is only christian charity to do so and poor thing i can well understand she may have had cause for mortification now i have made out what really take place last night usually left alone in the dining room would have proceeded to do a number of neat little odd humming softly the while funny little tunes to himself in the fulness of his the far horizon less content he would have piled up the fire with small coal and dusty thus keeping it alight but saving fuel till luncheon time when one skilful stir with the would produce a cheerful blaze then he would have proceeded to the little opening off his box of a at the back of the house containing his top desk his papers council and parish reports his magazines his best and second	32
best hung on against the wall along with his silk hat in the still humming he would have smoked his morning pipe feeding the gold fish in the small square glass a tiny fountain in the centre of which it pleased him to set playing and later carefully examining the and other pot plants in search of green fly scale or to day the innocent routine of his life was rudely broken up he had no heart for his accustomed tidy but lingered the gold strained across the surface of his waistcoat and looking enough between the lace curtains out on to the green the sun had climbed the sky burning up the and mist so that the houses opposite had become clearly presently he beheld a tall upright figure from the front door of lodge for a moment mr stood at the head of the flight of white stone steps rolling up his umbrella and putting on his gloves preparatory to setting forth on his morning walk and watching him a wave of humility and self swept over george s gentle and candid soul combined with an aching or regret that destiny had not seen fit to deal with him rather otherwise than it actually had he felt a great longing that he too were possessed of a stately presence brains breeding and handsome looks there stirred in him an almost impassioned craving for romance for escape from the the far horizon s able and of english si life he wait a step further r against the feminine atmosphere which him in which feelings so constantly the place of actions and that of fact then the vision of a beautiful with a strange rose scarlet dress in whose eyes sorrow struggled with mocking ter once again assailed him who she might be and what her history he most knew not yet that she breathed a and more air than that to which he was that feelings in her case did not stand for actions or for fact he was fully convinced poor old take a brandy and got the this from the hanging head downwards from the roof of its cage at the sound of that at once and singularly voice close beside him george gave a start yes the wife is quite right he said half aloud if you want to keep a happy mind there is very much of which it is as well to he ignorant then shame covered him for in his recent meditations and apprehensions had he not very near turning traitor and being in nation at all events to that same large kindly comfortable wife chapter two months had passed and february was about to give place to march two months empty of outward event for but big with thought and of purpose he had been more than ever solitary during this period for his acquaintance even to the faithful stood aloof but hardly noticed this though solitary he had not been lonely since his mind was absorbed in question in pursuit in the consciousness of deepening conviction for the recognition not merely of religion but of christianity as a supreme in earthly existence which had come to him in the dreary december twilight as broken in health and in spirit he gazed upon the picture of had proved no fugitive experience it remained by him his imagination and satisfying both his heart and his intelligence so that he looked back upon the hour of his despair seeing in it the starting point of a journey the of which promised not only to be the main occupation of his remaining years here in time but the river of death once crossed to stretch onward and onward through at present inconceivable of beauty of knowledge and of love and so for the moment solitude was sweet to him leaving him free of petty cares and anxieties he moving forward ignorant of the gossip which in point of fact surrounded him innocent of the feminine plots and of which his was at once the provoking cause and the object while in his eyes though of this too he was ignorant dwelt reflection of that mysterious and lovely light which let man deny it as u the far horizon he may lies forever along the far horizon for comfort of and as of the elect yet it must not be supposed that the outset of spiritual journey was wholly serene free from obstacle or hesitation from risk of selection or of the safe way many roads and those with contradictory presented themselves noisy each crying up his own special mode and means of conveyance rushed forth at every turn modem as he encountered it in the pages of popular newspapers and magazines at mrs s dinner table or in the good drawing room had small attraction for him since it appeared to advance chiefly by stated with rather self and self conceit it might tend to the making of respectable but in his opinion it was idle to pretend that it tended to the making of saints and for the saints those in the divine science confessed a weakness of it showed to his seeing as little outward evidence as of philosophy or of art the phrases of piety might still be upon the lips of its but the attitude and aspirations by piety were unfortunately dead its system of was frankly its goal though hidden from the simple by a of high sounding sentiment was pure and simple its god was not the creator of the visible universe of angel s and and powers of natural and supernatural forces but a loose divinity the exclusive possession since it is the exclusive invention of the saxon race through whose gaping mouth any and every self elected prophet was free to shout as heaven descended truth in the name of progress and liberty whatever political or social	32
chanced to be the fashion of the hour the far horizon nor did the whose are also sown in contemporary literature and who are so lavish with their offers of divine please any better for his mind thanks to his latin was of the logical order while a business training and long knowledge of affairs had taught him the value of method giving him an reverence for fact and upon him the existence of law absolute and in every department of nature and of human activity law to break which is to destroy the of cause and effect and so procure therefore this new school of if one can by the name of persons of so vague and a mental habit themselves upon the windy meat of and upon the temple of all the oriental and old and new combined with ill of modem physical and experiment were far from themselves to his calm and patient judgment such excited persons as a slight acquaintance with history proves beyond all question have existed in every age and suffering from mental have ever been liable to mistake the of internal for the witness of the spirit in their current met with a wearisome passion for and an equally wearisome disposition to hail all as genius all as inspiration while in their exaltation of the sub conscious self namely of those blind movements of instinct and common to the lower animals and to savage or man alike as against the intellect and the reasoned action of the will he saw a menace to human to in the best meaning of that word to right reason and noble living which it would be difficult to these good people while pouring contempt on the body and even denying its existence in the far horizon point of fact thought and talked about little else all of which struck him as not very tiresome and very silly but very dangerous modem might in in a of human endeavour exclusively to the end of material weu being but this worship of the this at the accepted foundations and accepted of the social order this cultivation of intellectual and moral chaos could for the vast majority of its professors at all events only in the mad house and to the mad house whether by twentieth century or had not the very smallest desire to go for he had no ambition to be on time and up to date to either himself or his by an exhibition of mental he merely desired earnestly yet humbly to be given grace to find the road however in the eyes of the modem world that road might be which leads to the light on the far horizon and beyond to the presence of the more he meditated on these things the more inconceivable it became to him but that this road existed and that not by labour of man but by everlasting of it was absurd in face of a state of being so complex so highly so universally subjected to law as the one in which he found himself that a matter of such supreme importance as the channel of intercourse between the soul and its maker should have been left to accident or of lucky chance and so having his in print by listening to the of many teachers from one end of london to the other in lecture hall chapel and church having even stood among the crowds which gather around in the park found his thought fixing itself with deepening assurance upon the communion in which he had b en the far horizon bom and which his father in the interests of the had so bitterly and from which mother broken by the tyranny of circumstance and bodily weakness had outside that communion he beheld only seas of prejudice and conflicting opinion heard only the tumult of confused and contest within he beheld the calm of authority and of loyal obedience heard the awed silence of those who worship being glad for the catholic church as began to is something far greater than any triumphant example of that which can be attained by and it is not an but an a living being perfectly with inherent powers of development and growth ever in the divine mind before time was and guardian of the deepest secrets the most sacred mysteries of existence to changing conditions yet the same hence it is that presents no questionable historic and speaks with no uncertain voice claiming not only to know the road the soul must tread would it reach the far horizon but to be the appointed of that same road and of it she points with proud confidence to the vast multitude which under her guidance has joyfully trodden it a multitude as in gifts and estate as in age and race as proof of the of her mission to the toiling and sorrowful children of men yet since surrender must ever strike a pretty shrewd blow at the roots both of personal pride and worldly caution hesitated to take the final step and declare himself to one who has long lived outside the and that not still less it is no light matter to subject attitude of mind and daily habit to distinct rule not only does the natural the far horizon s man rebel against the apparent of his personal freedom but the conventional and man fears lest agreement should after all spell weakness while specially in outward strength a certain shyness moreover withheld a not dread of being guilty of it was so little his custom to himself his opinions and his needs upon the attention of others that he was scrupulous and in the selection of time and place the affair however decided itself as affairs usually do when the intention of those undertaking them is a sincere one and thus the tide	32
however had not reached that stage of the comedy of the marriage of flesh and spirit he was happy with the white happiness of those who have been admitted to the sacred mysteries and it was not without a sense of shock as of rough descent to common things of pity and of regret that he good george thus among the then checked himself sternly to humble themselves remembering their own great to come down from the the far horizon mount of to the in the plain and be gentle and human towards them this surely is the duty of those who have assisted at the divine and so went forward and hailed his old school fellow in all tenderness and friendship causing the latter to raise his eyes from pathetic contemplation of those charming but wholly self absorbed small human animals and look up he cried well to be sure you do surprise me who would have expected to meet you out at this hour of the morning i do congratulate myself i am pleased he said his honest face beamed his fresh colour deepened as a girl at the for advent of her lover he grew confused and shy and warmed towards him in appearance simple minded not greatly skilled in any sort of learning yet he had a heart of gold about that there could be no manner of doubt turn back then and let us walk together said affectionately it is a long while since we have had a quiet talk that is of course if you have no particular business which calls you to town i have no business of any description he answered and between ourselves since i lost my seat on the council i have had too much time on my hands i think it is beginning to be quite a trouble with me is life too softly too dead level easy and comfortable inquired are you beginning to quarrel a little with your blessings george became very serious yes he said i am afraid you are right as usual you have laid your finger on the spot i do reproach myself for often i know i have a good home and everything decent and respectable about me more so indeed than a man in my position has any right to expect i the far horizon and yet i regret the old days in the city that j do i should enjoy to be back at my old desk at the bank just the little snap of anxiety in the morning as to whether one would catch the the long ride through the streets with one s morning paper the turning out with the other clerks good fellows all of them on the whole were they not to get a of lunch and then the coming home at night with some trifling present or dainty to please the wife and a look round the and garden afterwards in your suit and hearing and all the day s news and talking of the good time when you would retire and be quite the independent gentleman and the half day on saturday too taking some nice little to or or an exhibition or something of the sort and then the sunday s rest he hesitated and sighed looking wistfully at the babies if one had two or three of those little people of one s own it might be very though i would never breathe a word of such a thought to the wife females are so easily upset and if it raises regrets in us men it must be much more trying for them poor things to be but where was i yes well now the good time has come and i feel a criminal in saying so but it appears to me to be growing stale already it was better in anticipation than in fact i am an ungrateful fellow that i am i know it but sometimes i am inclined to ask myself whether all the things we set such fond hopes on are not like that no not all answered with a certain subdued enthusiasm there are things a few which never grow stale one may build on them as on a foundation of rock if they ever seem to fail us to be shaken and it is an evil delusion and the cause lies not in them but in ourselves it is we who fail who are the far horizon shaken and through will and of faith they remain forever i suppose so the other man said timidly he was unused to such vehemence of assertion on the part of his friend he wondered to what it could refer his thought carrying back to the evening at the theatre played around visions of distinguished then he himself to heroic resolve i suppose it is he repeated and that makes my conduct appear all the more to me my circumstances are too comfortable and easy it is just that and so i take to over trifles and seeing and unkind ess where none were intended he looked up at his eyes full of apology and admiration yes i am sadly poor spirited and i have no excuse i have been nursing a sense of injury towards those to whom i have most occasion for gratitude the wife and you believe me i am heartily ashamed of myself come come answered brought very much back to earth yet touched and softened my dear friend you of all men have small cause for self reproach in every relation of life and our knowledge of one another dates back to early youth i have found you perfect in loyalty and unselfish kindness george walked on for a moment in silence he had to clear his throat once or twice before he could command his voice praise from you is very	32
encouraging he managed to say at last but i am afraid i do not deserve it i have felt lately sometimes and i am afraid envious i but after your last words i am more than ever ashamed to own it i have fancied that you were becoming distant and that an was growing up between us of course i have always understood though we happened to be school fellows and in the same employment the far horizon afterward that your position and mine were different and i want you to know that i would never be a on you he spoke with an admirably simple dignity believe me i never would be that lately i have been troubled by the thought that i had extracted a promise from you to remain at s green now i beg of you most earnestly not to let that promise given in a moment of generous indulgence weigh with you in the slightest if circumstances have arisen which point at your in a more fashionable part of the town but why should i want to go to a more fashionable part of london asked smiling well you see the other returned his face growing furiously red it came to my knowledge unexpectedly that you have acquaintances in quite another walk of life to ours the wife s and mine i mean and it would pain me deeply very deeply that any promise given to me regarding your place of residence should stand between you and mixing as freely with those acquaintances as you might otherwise do they had come to the place where the sheltered pathway is crossed by the broad walk the upward of which showed in the sunshine against the brilliant green of the grass and the dark of the great trees it here paused he was not altogether pleased i do not quite follow you he said coldly then looking at the and faithful being beside him he softened once more was it not only more just but more honourable to treat this matter with you are alluding to the lady who was good enough to send for me the night you and miss went with me to the play yes the excellent george assented in a voice he wanted to know badly he was by the far horizon fear of having committed an offensive to his idol set your mind quite at rest on that point then my dear friend her world is not my world and never will be in it i should be very much out of place moved forward again crossing the broad walk and making towards the small iron gate at the lower comer of the gardens which opens on to high street but he walked slowly becoming conscious that he grew tired and spent the glory of the spirit dominant was departing the tyranny of the body dominant beginning to itself his features contracted slightly he felt sad george walked beside him in silence his eyes downcast his heart stirred by vague tumultuous sympathy his modest nature at once and abashed in his companion the hero of an exalted and tragic romance well he looks it it suits his character and appearance he said to himself adding aloud for the very life of him he could not help it but she was very beautiful yes answered she is beautiful and very clever and very unhappy the good george s heart positively against his ribs and to think of all the plans the wife and i have been making he said to himself if she wants me she will send for me continued quietly and i shall go to her at once as i went that evening without hesitation or delay wherever she may be but he added it becomes improbable that she will send for me i have not seen her or heard from her since that night and so my dear friend you perceive that your kindly fears of having my liberty of choice in respect of a place of the far horizon are quite i have no reason for leaving lodge or my accustomed habits smiled affectionately as the whole matter and now he continued that little misunderstanding being cleared up will you mind my turning into the just here in high street for a cup of coffee and a roll i have not yet george before him in kindly remonstrance and advice at a m and after your severe at christmas too out walking on an empty stomach it is positively where have you been to he cried to mass answered still smiling though with something of a fighting light in his eyes and a lift of his head his companion stared at him in blank amazement to what he said to mass repeated i have been waiting for a suitable opportunity to speak to you of this george i too have felt the weight of enforced leisure it has not been a particularly cheerful experience but it has given me time to read and still more to think with the consequence that i have returned to the faith of my childhood i have made my peace with the church they continued to walk slowly onward but george drew away to the further side of the path as though contact might be dangerous as though was hanging about he kept his eyes averted his head bent you do surprise me he said at last i had not the slightest that you were contemplating such a step i give you my word you have fairly taken away my breath i do not seem to be able to grasp it that you whom i have always looked up to as so mentally superior so independent the far horizon in your thought should have become a for that is your meaning i take it yes that is my meaning answered you do surprise me	32
said again presently and in a lamentable voice my mind refuses to grasp it i would rather have lost five hundred pounds than have heard this i declare i am fairly i have never received a greater shock remained silent he was weary and sad but he straightened himself trying to keep his gaze fixed steadily upon the far horizon where dwells the everlasting light it is in me to your action perhaps his companion continued i never did such a thing before having always hesitated to set up my views against yours but i cannot but fear you have made a sad mistake and if you were contemplating any change of this kind why did you not come into our own national english church very much because it is english and national i think he answered in my opinion there is an inherent of conception in our approach to the absolute to imposed by country or by race if these can by any means be avoided why yourself with a late and edition when the original in all its splendour and historic bearing the sign manual of the author is there ready to your hand again spoke with subdued but unmistakable enthusiasm the two friends had just reached the iron gate leading into high street here george stopped he still kept carefully at a distance his eyes as from some distressing even disgraceful sight while his good honest face worked with emotion i think if you will kindly excuse me i will go no the far horizon farther he faltered what you say may be true i am sure i don t know it is all beyond me but i should prefer not to talk any more about it until i have accustomed myself to the thought of this change in you nothing does come between people like religion he added with unconscious irony so i think if you will kindly excuse me i will just go away and without more he turned back into the gardens the small bears meanwhile with exercise air and light had begun to grow and f their cried and they were disposed to each other s toy horses and and use each other s small persons as for balls thrown as in a fashion far from polite anxious maids and nurses hunted them not without slight on the one part on the other occasional and free fights but upon the babies engaging even in george had ceased to bestow any attention he went forward blindly among them and their attendants and smart little carriages careless where he placed his feet to the of traffic and of general annoyance as sorrowful a man as any would need to meet for it seemed to him things had gone wrong just then past all hope of setting right his idol light of his eyes and joy of his heart has fallen from his high estate discovering capacity of playing the most and soul prejudice is lived here on earth and in george all the all the semi superstitious terror by the accumulated ignorance which generations of forefathers have to the english middle class reared itself not only stubborn but his thought travelled back to those of ages which are in point of fact more common to the than to the religious criminal code but which the far horizon teachers even yet find it convenient to put down wholly to the account of the catholic church practically ignorant of the and persecution practised under henry the eighth of blessed domestic memory of the further persecution which the spacious days of great elizabeth not to mention the long and shameful history of the laws he fixed his mind upon lurid legends of the reign of unhappy mary illustrated by prints in fox s book of upon the very thought of which even out of doors in the pleasant spring sunshine made him break into a heavy sweat and which by some grotesque of ideas he believed to be not only the necessary of but essential to the practice of the faith against this hideous background he set the calm and stately figure of his beloved friend seeing him no longer as the faithful comrade of more than half a lifetime but as a foreign being an unknown quantity a of images a in rites a in short in just all that which sound respectable and british common sense cast forth with scorn and close on four centuries back he was frightened his comfortable trot little odd and end of a local middle class world was literally turned down and inside out and however will the wife take it however will she take it he mourned to himself to think we have been a in disguise i dare not contemplate her feelings she will be ui set i must keep it from her as long as possible and too and i don t know how i can face them females are so very eloquent when put out of course i have known there was something wrong for a long time past i saw there was a change in him and felt there was some cause of coldness but it never entered my head it could be as bad as this s the far horizon oh my poor dear friend oh my poor perhaps i have been to you and this comes as a judgment it would be hard enough to have anything break up our friendship but this folly this dreadful he walked on blindly along the sheltered path between the flower borders deaf to nurses and scornful beautiful clothed in white if anything must come between us i would rather it was a woman he mourned ten thousand times rather whoever and whatever she was than this chapter xxiv it happened m the afternoon of that same day that in of her domestic had occasion to go into mr s room	32
on the first floor to lay out a new on his bed when as thus compelled to enter the its of either of the gentlemen guests of the establishment it was her practice to leave the door half open as a concession to propriety in the abstract and a testimony to her own discretion in the the handsome mahogany doors of lodge unhappily painted white by some of a former being heavy were hung on a rising hence when half open a space of some three inches was left between the back of the door and the through which it was easy to get a good view of the hall or the landing unobserved little mr professed a warm for gay colours and had selected the new with an eye to this fact it was of bright red cotton enriched with a broad printed border in a flowing design of yellow and bottle green leaves the in exhibiting it to her had described it as very and pleasing herself qualified it as and had just disposed it much to her own satisfaction upon the young man s bed when her attention was arrested by the tones of an unknown feminine voice in the hall below shortly afterwards she heard the s large footsteps upstairs at a double followed by a prolonged and leisurely whispering of silken skirts here clearly was a matter into which for the reputation of lodge it was desirable to look without delay therefore moved to the near side of the the far horizon door and through the three inch afforded by the rising the landing with a eye the door of mr s sitting room immediately opposite stood open in the doorway indulged in while slowly ascending the last of the stairs was a lady of unmistakable elegance arrayed in a large black hat with drooping to it a cape the price of which felt assured ran easily into three figures and a black cloth dress in the cut of which she read the last word of contemporary fashion arrived at the stair head the intruder stood still calmly surveying her presenting as she turned her head a pale face very red lips and eyes so at least it appeared to the of quite large and melancholy and somehow extremely impertinent too then mr emerged from his sitting room an expression upon his countenance which startled she very certainly had never seen it before for a moment the lady looked up at him as though silently asking some question then she patted him lightly upon the back and passed into the sitting room hand in hand with him while with his best flourish closed the door well of all the things cried half aloud and both of discretion and of the new red cotton she backed and sat plump upon the edge of the bed just then as she asserted in subsequently this remarkable incident you might have knocked her down with a feather of all the things she repeated after an interval of breathless amazement and how long has this been going on i should like to know so that is the reason of a certain gentleman s and his stand well i never and poor darling the far horizon so and confiding all the time not that she need fear comparison with anybody the serpent nevertheless she was deeply impressed and fell into a vein of furious speculation as to who this for smart lady might be then suddenly remembering the highly nature of her own existing position sitting not only in the lively little s bed chamber but actually upon his bed she rose with embarrassment and haste and made her way downstairs to the offices treading in dread of creaking boards to interview but from that she obtained scant information lady she ask for mr i tell her i go to find him i put her in drawing room quite right this from but she no stay she come again out quick she not any name not any visiting card give only write very fast on a piece of paper and screw it she not wait till i return but behind me upstairs chase so there was nothing for it as the great perceived but to retire to the drawing room and mrs happened to be out note the hour and with the door half open await the descent of the intruder from the floor above i can just catch darling too she said to herself and draw her aside to meet such a person unexpectedly on the stairs or in the hall would be enough to make her turn quite faint chapter xxv st john laid her hands lightly on mr shoulders and smiled at him she looked very young yet very worn and the comers of her mouth shook if you were anybody else she said i believe i should give you a kiss but i am not going to so don t be nervous dear man i ll be perfectly correct i promise you only i had to come i have been good absolutely good i tell you i have washed the slate it is as clean as a as the inside of an exhausted and i feel as dull as empty space before the creation got started shivered a little putting one hand over her eyes and resting her head with its great black hat and sweep ing against mr chest and quietly put his arm round her supporting her the day had been full of experiences this last though of a different complexion to the rest promised to be by no means the least searching and surprising himself to take it quite calmly in his stride yet his jaw grew rigid and his face in dread of that which might be coming i have sent barking about his business continued hoarsely sent him back to his	32
helped to cart him off to that rotten hole south africa he is a smart officer and he ll make a name if he don t get shot and he won t get shot i should feel it in my bones if was going to and i don t feel it i broke with him more than a month ago but i had to see him again to say good bye this morning before he sailed moved a step or two away turning her back on the far horizon and it hurt a jolly lot more than i expected i don i suppose i am in love she looked around at him as though expecting him to solve the complicated problem of her affections it s not likely at this time of day is it but i was of than i quite knew he is a good sort and we have had some times together he had become a sort of habit you know and when you have knocked about a lot as i have you get rather sick at the notion of any change she stood looking down leisurely and pulling off her long gloves i don t know that i should have made up my mind to sack him in the end but that i wanted to please mr became very tall his expression was hard his eyes alight this the lady noted she returned and patted him gently on the back again there there don t sail off on a wrong tack my beloved fire was quite right the game was up really it was and he wanted me to walk out like the dog so as to avoid being kicked out i always knew the break was bound to come some time and it s a long sight pleasanter to break than to be broken with don t you think so you see has formed a virtuous attachment s lips took a cynical twist it was time high time he should if he meant to go in for that line of business at all the young lady is a niece of s a pretty little girl really quite pretty i saw her that night we were both at the play all new and pink and white and well bred and and in every respect perfectly suitable looked even at poor dear old she said i don t quarrel with him his elder brother s no children and there are the far horizon pots and pots of money that he should want to marry and that his people should press it on him is perfectly natural and obvious and proper but asked fiercely if this young man captain barking to marry why has he not married you always supposing you were willing to entertain his suit flung her long gloves upon the table her cape and sent it flying to join them ah hot she exclaimed i think i ll sit down if you have no objection yes that chair thanks it looks comfortable by the way you ve got an uncommonly nice lot of things in this room i am going to make a tour of inspection presently it pleases me to see where you live and look at your possessions she stared at the furniture and pictures but about my marrying barking she continued well you see you see dear man there is an inconvenient little in the shape of a husband as she finished speaking folded her hands in her lap she sat perfectly still her lips pressed together watching mr over her shoulder but without turning her head he had crossed the room and stood at one of the tall narrow windows looking out into the bright windy afternoon for here it was in plain english at last that secret thing which he had known yet dreaded to know it in him an immense regret and inevitable at admitted he made no attempt to with the meaning of her words yet along with them came a feeling of gladness that st john would remain st john still and a movement of hope intimate and very tender since in this tragic hour of her history she had come directly to him asking comfort and the far horizon sympathy cut to the quick by the of the heretofore ever faithful george hailed with a peculiar this mark of confidence and trust sinful greatly still the lady of the dust had returned to him and he yet very deeply rejoiced in truth the sharp edged breath of persecution he had encountered this morning while him had him to high endeavour the catholic church so he argued must indeed be a mighty and living power since men fear her so much and this power he felt to be behind him him him to noble he strong in virtue of her strength fearless through the courage of her saints able with the energy of their accumulated merit and their prayers again as on his way home that morning from hearing mass the spirit was dominant his whole nature and outlook and exalted by the divine to fail any human creature calling on him for help would be contemptible and even in one blessed as he himself was thus his relation to st john fell into line he could afford to love and serve her well since he loved and in all things to serve almighty god best these meditations occupied but a few moments yet s patience ran short she cried suddenly sharply i am tired of waiting he crossed the room and stood in front of her serious but light of heart see here it is all right between us she asked yes all is perfectly right between us he answered your coming gives me the measure of your faith in me i am grateful and i am very glad ah said softly she	32
sat forward in her chair making herself small pat the far horizon ting her hands together palm to between her knees and swaying a little as she spoke you see she went on to be quite honest i didn t break with simply to enable him to marry and live happy ever after nor did i do it exclusively to please it would take a greater fool than i am to be as as all that i always like to have my run for my money i i did it more to get you back she paused and raised her head looking full at him and i have got you back she said yes he answered smiling i ask nothing better than to come back do you mean that you are prepared to take everything on trust after what i have told you without wanting explanations friendship has no need of explanations said with a touch of grandeur that is as i understand friendship it what is given without question or as to much or to little leaving the altogether free friendship as i understand it should have honourable not only of si but of thought wise of proffered sympathy in its desire of service it should never approach too near or say the word too much since if it is to flourish and obtain the grace of continuance it must be rooted in reverence for the individuality of the person dear to it this is my belief his bearing was his expression very gentle therefore rest assured that whatever confidence you repose in me is sacred whatever confidence you withhold from me is sacred likewise mused a little a smile on her lips and an look in her singular eyes you re beautiful dear man she murmured you re very beautiful you re worth the devil over for but you ll take a jolly lot of living up to so see here ii the far horizon you re bound to look me up pretty constantly just at first for i tell you life is not going to be exactly a toy shop for me for some little time to come you hear you promise i promise returned and there s another thing she continued rather proudly a thing men too often blunder over with the very best intentions bless them only they do blunder and that leads to please put the question of money out of your head once and for all i have a certain amount of my own nothing well understood but quite possible to live on it was to prevent his playing ducks and with it that i finally left the of a fellow whom i married well i have that and i have made a little more one way and another permitted herself a wicked poor old used to tell me i was a great wasted that i should have been invaluable as partner in their family that s more than he ll ever be poor chap unless marriage makes pretty sweeping changes in him some of my sources of income naturally are cut off through the cleaning of the slate for i have been good indeed i have as i told you no more cards and oh dear no more racing but no doubt will contribute in the way of oblige she her duty towards posterity does so i shall scrape along quite and then as long as i keep my voice and my figure at a push there s always my profession you hadn t arrived at the fact that i had a profession such is fame dear man such is fame why i started as a child at thirteen and went on till the made that impossible like virtue and self respect and a decent home and a few kindred trifles in favour of which every clean minded woman has after all a prejudice s voice shook she had much to maintain the far horizon an indifferent and matter of fact manner drew up a chair and sat down beside her she put out her hand taking his and holding it quietly there that s better she said i feel i should like a good square cry but i won t have one don t be afraid the motto is no full steam ahead but as to the stage i m not sure that won t prove the solution of most difficulties in the end sometimes it badly at my and i shouldn t be half sorry for an excuse for taking to it again it s a rotten profession for a man and not precisely a soul saving one for a woman but it gives you your opportunity and at bottom i suppose that s the main thing one asks of life one s opportunity too your art is your art and if it is bred in you you for it i was awfully glad that night to see you at the play though in a way it shocked me it seemed tell me do you really care for the theatre to a moderate extent i do answered she wanted so he divined to give a lighter tone to the conversation he tried to meet her wishes i am not a very ardent i am afraid but at the present time i happen to be involved indirectly in theatrical enterprise i am interested in the production of a play which i am assured will prove a remarkable success you re not it asked sharply within certain limits i am he answered smiling an appeal was made to me for help which it would have been cruel to refuse s expression had become curiously sombre not to say stormy she got up and began to about the room i hope to goodness the limits are clearly defined and very narrow ones then she exclaimed for my part	32
i don t believe in talent which can t find a market in the the far horizon ordinary course of business i grant you sometimes put a play on which is no good and sometimes what might be a fine play by it in deference to the of that of all maiden and of british the but they very rarely in my experience reject a play which has money in it why should they poor brutes they are not exactly with the play which requires private though a record in the opinion of its author is usually rubbish in that of the public and the public take it all round is very fairly level headed and just you must not judge it by the of the he represents only an extreme section of it if at this time of day he really represents anybody a section which does the screaming sitting at home getting its information at second hand through the papers and never the doors of a play house at all moreover you must remember that the public is master there is no getting behind its verdict s had brought her back beside mr again she patted him on the shoulder see here my beloved no longer nameless one she said be advised learn wisdom for i tell you i ve been through that gate if ever a woman has the i wish to heaven we could keep him out of our talk but for cause unknown he persistently himself he invariably does so when i m and well you see he was an genius in the way of a from which fact i derived first hand acquaintance with the habits of the species what i don t know about those animals is not worth knowing they re just simply i tell you their utter is only equalled by their lunatic vanity they imagine the whole world lay and professional is in league to and them so don t touch them i entreat you as you value your peace m f ai the far horizon of mind and your pocket they ll you white and never give you a of thanks more likely turn on you and make out somehow or other you are responsible for the failure of their precious productions now let s try to forget them and talk of pleasanter subjects these of the always bring me bad luck i m downright scared at them tell me about your goods your books and your pictures and show me something which belonged to your mother that is if it wouldn t pain you to do so i should like to hold something she had touched in my hands it would be comforting somehow and just set that door wider open there s a dear i want to have a look into the other room and see where you sleep for the half hour was an companion wholly womanly gentle and delicate eager too with the pretty spontaneous eagerness of a child at the recital of stories and exhibition of treasures beloved by her companion the lonely tree its exile as the wind swept through the of its dry branches moved her almost to tears it is tragic she said still i am glad you have it it s very much in the picture and lifts the sentiment of the place out of the awful it s a little of you yourself too there s style and poetry and breeding about it only thank the powers you differ from it in this that its best days are over while you are but in the flower of your age and your rooms are delightful they re like you too the rest of the house my dear soul the ushered me into a drawing room when i arrived the colours of which were simply frantic i bolted if i d stayed another five minutes they d have given me now i must go smiled very sweetly upon mr i m better ten thousand times better he said when i came i was the far horizon rather by my own virtuous actions now it s an square between them and me fm good right give you my word i am if only it u last s lips quivered and she looked rather desperately in the face never fear he answered but that it will last still you ll come and see me often very often till i settle down into the running it will be heavy going must be fm afraid for a long while yet holding her hand bent low and kissed it i will serve you perfectly god helping me as long as i live he said five minutes later mrs supported by the outraged and sympathetic watched through the ture afforded by the rising of the dining room door an unknown lady escorted by mr sweep in whispering skirts and costly across the hall passing out and down the white steps usually so light of foot and of movement stumbled and but for prompt assistance would have fallen headlong at that same moment de in dress with shuffling footsteps crossed the road and then aside his arm jerked up almost as though off a blow no no fm not hurt not in the least hurt said in response to inquiry but it s given me a bad fright i ll go straight home put me into the first you see no fu go by myself i d far rather i give you my word i m not hurt but a lot of things to think about i want to be alone i want to be quiet come soon i was very happy bye good night chapter xxvi a landscape of the brand of peculiar to the of a great city to that region where	32
the streets have ended and the country has not yet fairly begun a waste of the dark earth between the rows of strewn with refuse of leaves seen through the rents in a broken hedge parallel with the said hedge shiny shutting off all view of the river between these a long stretch of coloured high road by slightly raised a verge of coarse grass to them in which a litter of rags torn and much other found to the and north a sky piled to the with swiftly moving clouds blue purple wildly white from out the torn of which rushed now and again showers of hail and driven by a shrieking wind march was in the act of asserting its privilege of going out like a lion but the lion as seen in this particular perspective was a frankly and ill beast and st john heading up against wind and weather along the left hand felt frankly and ill too her poor soul which had made such efforts to spread its wings and fly a form of exercise sadly foreign to its habit crawled once more soiled and mud along the common of life at this degradation her heart with bitterness and disgust let alone the blind rage which possessed her as of some creature s the far horizon in escape she had broken as she fondly imagined and secured liberty not a bit of it in the hour of reconciliation of sweetest security she met her face to face and heard the key grind in the lock save for the occasional passing of a market or high shouldered s cart the road was deserted once a low hung two wheeled vehicle rattled by on which covered by lay a dead horse the great head swinging ghastly over the tail board the legs sticking out in front a man perched sideways on the swore at the he was driving and lashed it under the belly with a short handled heavy whip he was and the scarlet and orange handkerchief knotted about his throat had got shifted the ends of it streaming out behind him as he lifted his arm and swayed his whole body madly using his whip shut her eyes by the sound and sight just then a storm of struck her causing her to turn her back and pause where a curve in the range of offered some slight shelter for strong though she was and well furnished against the weather in a thick coat up to her chin and down to her feet her cloth cap tied on with a thick veil the wind and were almost more than she could face her depression was not physical merely but moral likewise for over and above her personal and private sources of trouble it was a day and place whereon evil deeds seemed possible the swearing driver and dangling head of the dead horse had served to complete her discomfiture and presently the storm a little hearing footsteps behind her she wheeled round her chin bravely in the air but her heart galloping with nervous fright while her fingers closed down on the butt of the small silver revolver which rested in the right hand waist pocket of her long coat the far horizon de was close beside her set her lips together and herself to endure the coming wretchedness it was some years since she had had speech of him some years indeed since she had seen him save during that brief moment twenty four hours previously as she descended the steps of lodge in his most prosperous days he had been in person at once and theatrical in dress now a distinct in his appearance his face red eyes and gait were odious to her she noted moreover that he was poorly clad his grey felt hat was stained and greasy his coloured overcoat at the elbows thin and in the skirts the of his brown boots were the upper and cracked this might poverty it might also only carelessness and in any case it failed to move her to pity provoking in her irritation so that forgetful of stirred by memories of innumerable kindred in the past spoke without asking him sharply as he joined her have you no better clothes than that paused before answering looking her up and down yet deliberately wiping the wet of his beard and face meanwhile with a green silk it your that your husband should dress like a tramp does it he said hoarsely and pray whose fault is it that he is reduced to doing so judging by your own costume you can easily remove that cause of offence if you choose it does not occur to you perhaps that while you live on the fat of the land i but for the charity of strangers which it is to me to accept should not have enough to pay for the food i eat or for the detestable garret in which i both work and the far horizon sleep under these circumstances i am scarcely prepared to call in a fashionable tailor to mj wardrobe lest its should on the very rare occasions on which i have the honour of meeting you offer an reflection upon your own elegance to these observations delivered with a somewhat hysterical made no direct reply surely it was cruel cruel that at this juncture when she had so honestly to refuse the evil and choose the good this of all that was most hateful to her should take place moreover now as always just that of truth s exaggerated and statements which made them as to combat as they were to listen to for a minute or so could not trust herself to speak lest she should give way to foolish his looks manner the phrases he employed were f to her she fought as in a malicious dream to which the	32
mad you know just as well as i do every manager will refuse it it will be unnecessary to approach any manager i go straight to the public this time i have the promise of money to meet the expenses of two at least i have no scruple in accepting it is an and an immensely profitable one for i know the worth of my own work it is great nothing less than great of course said but pray where do i come in then she paused suddenly she the bits of the puzzle together saw and understood misery the far horizon k deeper than any she had yet experienced in ah it is then you are ng i she cried him by to his charity and lying assurances of profits you shall not do it i will put a stop to it you shall not you shall not why inquired do you want all his m yourself you dirty hound i said under her breath i did not know of your connection with him till yes continued in proportion as lost herself he became cool and though we have lived in the same house for the last eighteen months i supposed you to be in pursuit of larger game than bank clerks however your modesty of taste combined with your charming attitude towards me might as i perceived lead to i ascertained how long you had been at lodge yesterday then i wrote to you stood still in the wind and wet listening intently for once he went on it is my turn to give orders my fine lady and yours to obey if you interfere in the smallest degree between and mc i will call his attention to certain facts the appearance of which is highly to him he will pay to save his reputation if he ceases to pay out of charity not that it is charity he is making an of which as a business man he fully the worth if you interfere i will make his position a vastly uncomfortable one the women who keep lodge are as jealous as cats it would not require much blowing to make that fire burst into a very lively flame i promise you you live there then said you live there the far horizon yes he answered does that offend your too do you consider the place too good for me you need not distress yourself i have only one room a small one on the second floor immediately above your friend s handsome sitting room but only half the size of it the floors are old i can gather a very fair sense of any conversation taking place below moved on again may i inquire what you propose to do asked presently warn your mature commercial admirer and compel me in self protection to blast his reputation or hold your tongue like a reasonable woman they had reached the end of the upon the left the irregular bow rose and houses of terrace no two of them alike in height or in architecture the road upon the right was the river dull coloured and wind tormented a cargo of bricks supplying a strong note of red in the otherwise mournful landscape was being from a carts backed down the slip to within easy distance of the broad deck horses shivering as they stood knee deep in the water the bricks together when the men handling them tossed them across with long drawn roar and shriek a train heading from station rushed across the iron built railway bridge waited watching the progress of it watching the of the the one perfectly pure and beautiful gift which life had given her was utterly so it seemed to her that which she held dearest and best hopelessly entangled with that which to her was most degrading and and what to do to be silent was to be to speak was to expose to and disgust far deeper than that which loss of money could inflict weighed md that her thought must be wholly for the far horizon t him not letting anger sway her judgment of two evils she must choose that which for him was least i will not give you away i will say nothing she said at last you swear you will not yes i swear said i want it in writing very well you shall have it in writing witnessed if you like she answered the precious document shall be posted to you to night now are you satisfied you contemptible animal have you me enough but came close to her pushing his face into hers he was shaking with excitement hysterical with mingled fear and relief i am not my dear girl he whispered i am willing to the past to take you back to acknowledge you as my wife and let you share my success there is a part in the new play which might have been written for you you could become world famous in it i am not i am willing to make matters up do you want me to murder you after all asked if you try me much further i tell you plainly i can t answer for myself therefore as you value your life let me alone get out of my sight chapter the watches of the night amid of wind in the chimneys long complaint of the great tree rattle of and those half heard and footsteps as of inhabitants long since departed which so often haunt an old house through the hours of dark mind for cause unknown was busied with reminiscences of the firm of barking brothers barking and the many years he had spent in its service he had no wish to think of these things they came pushing themselves upon remembrance all manner of details of little histories and connected both	32
ruin their affairs were in apparently confusion owing to barking s reckless speculations while to add to the the far horizon general confusion that young man had broken down utterly from nervous and was at the present time incapable of the slightest mental or physical exertion things were at a under these terrible circumstances sir barking wrote i turn to you my good friend as a person intimately acquainted with the operation of our firm your experience may be of service to us in this crisis and in virtue of the many benefits you have received from us in the past i claim your assistance in my own name and that of my partners i offer to you in your former position but with enlarged powers it has always been my endeavour as you are well aware to reward merit and to treat those in our employment with generosity and consideration you will be glad i am sure to embrace this opportunity of in some small measure your debt towards me and mine more followed to the same effect neither the taste of the writer nor his manner of expression was happy of this was quite sensible patronage especially after his period of independence was far from agreeable to him yet behind the the and phrases his ear detected a very human cry of fear and cry for help should he doing his best to that fear and render that help he rose still holding the letter in his hand and paced the room of his own ability to render effective help were he allowed freedom of action entertained little doubt always supposing that the situation did not prove even worse than he had present reason for supposing it was not difficult to see how the trouble had come about the senior partners into false security by prosperity had grown and sooner in their opinion might the stars fall from i than the august house of barking prove of the far horizon s foundation or capable of to hint at this even as a remote possibility was little short of their amiable nephew meanwhile had regarded them as a flock of fat eminently fitted for he let them complacently hiss and congratulate themselves upon their worldly wisdom and conspicuous while all the time silently diligently now awakening suddenly to the fact of their they were in a terrible taking very sore poor birds and quite past that feathers grow again if the system is sound and the health to these purse proud middle aged gentlemen presented a spectacle at once pathetic and humorous in their present sad plight a calm head and clear judgment might do much to their position and a calm head and cool judgment he was confident of possessing only was he after all disposed to place these useful possessions at their service for in the last nine months habits and outlook had changed the were altered it would be far harder to return to the monotonous routine of business life now even though a fine revenge a delicate of coals of fire accompanied that return than it had been to part company with it last year loneliness the induced by absence of definite employment no longer oppressed him holy church had cured all that giving him a definite place and definite purpose beautiful duties of prayer and worship the restrained yet continuous excitement of the pushing forward of soul and spirit upon the fair strange daily journey towards the far horizon and the friendship of almighty god his retirement had become very dear to him since it afforded scope for the conscious of that journey s state of mind j the far horizon in short was that of the lover who any and every outside demand which may even his attention from the object of his love street the glass and mahogany walled and the moral atmosphere of them money getting and of this world worldly were not these to the journey upon which he had set forth and the habit of mind necessary to the successful of it there was st john too and the closer relation of friendship into which he had just entered with her this must not be neglected and thinking of her he could not but think of that younger son of the great house barking and his dealings with her enjoying her as long as it suited him to do so leaving her as soon as his passion cooled and a more advantageous social connection presented itself towards the handsome young soldier was it must be owned somewhat merciless why should he go to the rescue of this young s family and indirectly his marriage and increase its promise of happiness by helping to secure him an otherwise vanishing fortune let him pay the price of his pleasures and become a such a admitted he personally could face with entire resignation and yet yet on closer examination were not these reasons against undertaking the work offered him based upon personal personal rather than upon plain right and wrong and consequently were they not to justify and refusal that earlier dream of his on the night following his dismissal last year came back to him with its touching memories of the narrow town garden behind the old house in holland street the golden the shallow stone basin beloved of poor dear and his s box the far horizon infernal machine and very crude methods of the age old quarrel between capital and labour on that occasion the lonely little boy though at risk of grave injury to himself had not hesitated to save the ill favoured grey cat which bore in speech and appearance so queer a likeness to sir barking f rom the ugly fate awaiting it he had gathered it in his arms pitying and striving to heal it was the child by instinct finer nobler more	32
self forgetful than the man in the full possession of reason instructed in the divine science fortified by the example and merits of the saints that would indeed be a melancholy conclusion and so it occurred to him not merely as conceivable but as that the road to the far horizon instead of leading in the opposite direction to the city house for him at this particular juncture led directly into and through it so that to refuse would be to stray from the straight path and risk the of the blessed light by a cowardly and selfish lust of the immediate comfort of it he would go and help those distracted plucked to grow new feathers only to do so meant time labour application a sacrifice of leisure so he must see st john first chapter i did not call yesterday said in consequence of your but to day i have come early and without permission first because i was anxious to assure myself you were really and secondly because something has occurred regarding which i wish to consult you i must have your sanction before taking action in respect of it entering from the wind and keen fitful sunshine without the little drawing room struck as both and dingy and standing in the centre of it huddled in a black tea gown a pattern of upon it which hung in limp folds from her bosom to her feet concealing all the outline of her figure came near looking dingy likewise the garment cut square at the neck had long seen its first youth the big black ribbon bow between her shoulders and that upon her breast was and beneath the masses of her dark hair her face looked almost small sallow and while her eyes were enormous dusky dwelling places as it seemed to her visitor of some world old sorrow her face did not light up neither did she make any demonstration of gladness or greeting but stood one toy tucked under either arm their lying along her wrists their fringed resting upon her palms had a conviction she had snatched up the little dogs on hearing his voice and held them so as to render it impossible for him to take her hand less than ever looking upon her had he any mercy for barking less than ever did the prospect of spending weeks perhaps months in the far horizon ing up the fortunes of that young gentleman s family prove to him you were hurt he broke out almost fiercely you are suffering and worse you are unhappy it makes me very angry to see you thus i wish i could reach those who are guilty of having distressed and injured you s face went a shade paler and alarm mingled with the sorrow in her eyes but she made a courageous effort to as usual you d give them the what for dear man wouldn t you she said but you would have to go way back in the ages for that and get behind the seed of which this gay hour is the harvest still i love to see you ferocious it is very flattering to me and it s becoming to you don t manners my good child manners all the same i wasn t hurt slipping on those gorgeous white steps of yours upon my honour i wasn t but i had to go out yesterday afternoon and i got caught in one of those infernal it was altogether too cold for comfort and i feel a bit cheap this morning in consequence that s why i put on this odious gown i always try to dress for the part and the part just now is from the start this gown has been a disappointment i counted on the roses fading pink but the beasts faded blue instead i feel as if i was dressed in a and that s appropriate for i also feel as if i had been beaten all over merely the hail i give you my word nothing more than that i m never ill paused dropped the little dogs on the floor they against her looking up at her no i don t want you she said you re heavy i m tired of you then she blew her nose and over the top of her handkerchief looked full at for the first time the far horizon well what is it what do you want my sanction for without waiting for his answer she swept aside knelt down crouching over the fire extending both hands to the heat of it while her open sleeves falling back showed her arms bare to the elbow tell me and if you don t mind along i own i am a trifle only the weather but i need so along there s a good dear she said whereupon in as few words as possible unfolded to her the contents of sir barking s letter as she listened raised herself turned round stood upright her hands clasped behind her oh that s it is it she said she looked less more animated more natural fm not altogether surprised the poor old lads have found out the in their nest at last have they had a notion barking not a nice person i saw him once and he looked a cross between a pair of and a bag of i didn t trust him you don t do you had a notion this precious cousin was making hay of the whole show but it was utterly useless for him to in the eyes of the elder generation he is the original dog with a bad name only fit for hanging paused took a long breath smiled a little what do you think is it a very bad business i cannot tell till i have gone into details replied he was slightly	32
put about by the lady s change of by the interest she displayed by the alteration in her expression and bearing and they howl to you to save the sinking ship continued lightly shall you go that is the question i have come to ask you to ask me she said but heart alive dear man where do i come in the far horizon my duty to you stands before every other duty answered gravely those who have caused you sorrow and injured you are my enemies how can it be otherwise a member of this family i do not choose to name him has in my opinion played a detestable part by you therefore only with your sanction freely given can i consent to be to his relatives the leaped into s cheeks the light into her eyes her lips parted in pretty laughter yet she still kept her hands clasped behind her back ah i see i see she cried but how did you contrive to get left behind most beloved lunatic and be born five or six centuries out of your time into this shouting pushing modem world which knows not chivalry do you imagine this is the fashion most men treat women here i am laughing yet i could cry that you should come to me me of all people on such a lovely fine fanciful errand my conduct appears to me perfectly obvious and simple replied rather coldly know it does my dear and there s the pathetic splendour of it declared soft tones in her voice all the same we must keep our heads on the right way so tell me will it be of any personal advantage to you to help pull these elderly out of the none whatever at least they will make it worth your while by paying up handsomely no doubt they will make me some ofi er but i shall decline it said i draw a i will con to do so that is just i have a right to it in virtue of my past work but i shall refuse to accept any salary over and above that i shall make it a condition that i give my services and that which i give i give whether the far horizon it be to king or to beggar to make profit out of my giving would be intolerable to me her head bent pushing away the tiny dogs with her foot as they upon her don t bother you little miseries she said don t bother i m busy now i ve no use for you presently she glanced up at mr who held himself proudly as he stood waiting before her do you care for these barking people is it a question of affection between any of them and you i am afraid not he answered ours has been a purely business connection throughout how should it be otherwise the social interval between and employed is not easily stuff a nonsense put in scornfully they might feel honoured to tie your shoe any attempt to differences of wealth and station which others are pleased to remember would be he continued nor do i relish condescension on the part of my social it does not suit me i prefer to remain within my own borders still there is the tie of long association with these merchant princes and their and this i own influences me strongly it would be shocking to me to witness the failure or ruin of those with whom i have been in daily intercourse then too there is a certain challenge in the present position which appeals to the fighting instinct in me if not altogether by nature still by habit i am a business man affairs interest me and consequently the more embarrassed and apparently hopeless the existing state of things is the greater would be my satisfaction in the of it and them to order these practical matters are not without very real excitement and drama to those who have the habit of handling them paused and then added quietly but i am contented the far horizon enough as i am and should not voluntarily have touched business again had there not been another consideration over and above those i have namely the plain obligation of right doing whether the said doing be congenial to one or not this obligation is supreme or should be so in the case of one who like myself has bound himself by definite acts of obedience and self his expression had changed taking on something of exaltation he no longer looked at but away to the far horizon and the light resident and the lady of the dust was quick to this though upon what fair unseen object the eyes of his spirit did in fact rest she was ignorant against it the vanity inherent in her womanhood she was and jealous of the unknown object which absorbed his attention more than she herself and her friendship did from the first had appealed to her very various nature in a manner to the artist in her he appealed by the clearness of his individuality his finish of person and of feature his gravity and these last taking their rise not in but in reasoned will in passionate emotion held as she had learned in check he appealed to the in her by his by his ignorance of base motives thus making her attitude towards him she instinctively trying to stand between him and a naughty world to stand too between him and her own too often naughty self he appealed to the child in her by the and foreign elements in him which her fancy him with an effect of mystery making him seem to hail from some region of legend and high romance but the events of the last few days had been far from to st	32
john they had her so that the artistic maternal and aspects of her nature were alike by the bitterness the the reckless the far horizon by her unhappy marriage and the irregular life she had led s feet were held captive in the of the things of sense her outlook was and gross finer instincts lit up but momentary flickering fires in her speedily dying out into the gloom by the deplorable scene of yesterday with her husband and shame at the conspiracy of silence into which as the lesser of the two evils presented to her she had entered of which on his first arrival had made her feel unworthy and a traitor in the presence of this worked in her to rebellion against just all that which in her happier moods rendered delightful to her his exaltation his calm the mystery which so delicately surrounded him the very distinction of his appearance irritated her so soon as she became conscious that she was no longer the sole object of his thoughts she was pushed by a bad desire to force from him a more complete self revelation to him in some way and break him up she cried suddenly and you are a trifle too i don t quite believe in you be more ordinary more human for who are you after all what are you she said and he his thoughts recalled from a great distance regarded her and as without immediate recognition her voice was harsh and the transition was so abrupt from the radiant land of the spirit to the dingy realities of s drawing room her tired black tea gown and her artificial little dogs it took him some few seconds to himself then he smiled in apology and spoke very courteously and gently who am i what am i dear friend why this i think a commonplace very ordinary person who long ago in early childhood by mournful accident for which the far horizon it would be an to hold those on whom he was dependent responsible lost his sight through all the years which men count and rightly the best of life when courage is high and the hand strong and opportunity fertile circumstance as a block of precious marble out of which to fine fortune for ourselves and those we love he wandered in darkness of footing missing the very end and object for which earthly existence has been bestowed upon us mortals he was sad and for that which he had not yet ignorant of the nature of his own loss disposed to blame the constitution of things rather than his own for that which he suffered and then put in sharply listening she had started to mock the and being hot in her but looking at the speaker somehow she dared not mock and then recently since i have known you in short it has pleased almighty god by degrees to restore my sight regarded him intently her singular eyes wide with question and with doubt her lips pressed together i see you have got religion she said but do you seriously mean to tell me that i i have had anything to do with that yes answered you have had much to do with it first by love for your friendship woke up my heart then by sorrow he paused divided by the desire to spare her and to tell her the whole of his thought sorrow when i came to know you better and value your character and gifts at their true worth because i saw noble things put to uses which of all pitiful sights is perhaps the most profoundly pitiful silence followed broken only by minute and on the part of and her the far horizon the little dogs sensible of neglect had become the victims of wounded self love that most primitive as it is the most universal of passions throughout all of living things meanwhile turned her head aside unable or unwilling to speak again she blew her nose with complete disregard of the quality of that action then said i have cleaned the slate i shall keep it clean her voice grew a touch of malice came into her expression i like compliments and you have paid me about the biggest i ever had it will take a little time to so i think i think dear man i will not stand in the way of your going back to the city and saving the sinking ship that is if the work won t be too hard for you no he answered touched by her more gracious aspect yet slightly confused i have had nearly a year s holiday and rest i am quite equal to work but i am afraid the hours must necessarily be long and that my op of coming to see you will not be very frequent perhaps that s just as well she said while i am still in process of the big compliment then she swept up to him and laid her hands on his shoulders looking him full in the face see here you thrice dear innocent since you have mentioned that terrible word love the complexion of our relation has changed somewhat don t you understand made as i am i must fight seven devils within me if i m to continue to play fair with you as i swore i would and so just because you are so very much to me i had best not see you too often until i have settled down into my new scheme of life in a sense was a that s gone she moved a step back letting her hands fall at her sides while her eye grew hard and dark the far horizon and there are other reasons brutal unworthy sordid reasons why it is wiser that you should not come here	32
often at present they did not exist at least i had not the faintest conception that they did when we last met they have rushed into hateful since don t ask me i cannot tell you you must trust me and you must not let my silence you i can t be explicit but i give you my word i am perfectly straight and you must not let your religion you either by the way what form of faith is it the faith of my own people answered the faith of the church smiled then i am not so afraid i shall lose you she said for that s the only brand of religion i ve ever come across which isn t too nice to reckon with human nature as it really is it can save just because it knows how to make saints and it has made them out of jolly material at times there s the comfort of it she held out her hand in farewell good bye till next time you ve done me good as you always do now i am going to re study some of my old parts just to get the hang of the whole show again but the door once shut she flung herself down on the broad while the tiny dogs crowded upon her lap st john you re not such a bad lot after all she cried but oh oh oh it s rough to be so young and have gone so far and know so much there don t it s both superfluous and unpleasant she sat up and wiped her eyes upon my honour i think it was just as well i gave the little revolver last night to lock up in the plate chest she said chapter it followed that walked on across the common to station and travelled and uplifted in spirit yet greatly troubled by the idea of those newly arrived at which the lady of the dust had hinted he did not permit himself to inquire what they might be doubtless she knew best in her social sense he had great confidence so he in her silence about them still as he reflected it is not a little lamentable that even friendship the relation between man and woman should be thus beset by perils from within and without where lay the fault with over and ihe improper or was it of far more ancient origin resident in the very foundations of human nature woman the vehicle of man s being the inspiration of quite three of his action yet at the same time the eternal stumbling block and danger to the highest of his moral and intellectual mr smiled sadly and to himself as the train rolled on into in any case she remains the most astonishing of god s creatures it would be dull enough here on earth without her though to employ one of s characteristic phrases it s most with but once inside the bank such far meditations gave place to considerations immediate and whole mind being to arrive at the facts of the case and this was far from easy for alarm stalked those usually self secure and self complacent rooms and glass and mahogany walled men looking up the far horizon from their as he passed with anxious faces or with hushed footsteps as though lay sick to death within the house in sir barking s private room the drama reached its climax panic sitting there sensibly her chill presence had visibly affected sir causing the contrast between the portrait upon the wall and the subject of it to be to the point of cruelty for sir was aged and his clothes hung loose upon him hardly could he rally his tongue to the of a single even of the most obviously staring sort the mighty indeed were fallen and the weapons of perished y t never had felt so drawn in sympathy towards his late employer for the of possible ruin had made sir almost humble almost human i am to you for to my summons so promptly yes sit down my good friend sit down he said it is necessary that i should converse with you at some length and i refuse to keep you standing our present position is inexplicable to me that my nephew is unworthy of the trust we in his ability and there was still our own judgment in reserve and our own capacity to meet any strain upon our resources that our confidence in these last was is still incredible to me i am completely baffled the past few months indeed with their discovery of difficulty and of loss have been a terrible tax upon my fortitude though i am i own to you there have been moments when i feared that i too should give way only my sense of the duty i owe to my own reputation has supported me sir turned sideways in his chair his eyes sought the portrait upon the wall contemplation of which appeared to his self confidence somewhat for the far horizon he continued in his larger manner nor has the sting of private anxiety been lacking my younger son has been called away to the seat of war under circumstances of a peculiarly affecting character my earnest hopes for his future in the shape of a very desirable marriage touched on fulfilment but here for his temper began to rise at the mention of the loves of barking if the springs of christian charity just now up so sweetly within him were not to run dry the conversation he felt must be down to of other import so he but definitely requested sir to come to and to the poor man yet very came he and his ex seemed indeed to have changed places so that before the end of the interview began to measure	32
himself as never before to his own business his quickness of apprehension his grasp of the issues presented to him and his own of judgment whatever the as to the saving of the credit of messrs barking brothers barking became confident of his own power and quietly satisfied in the exercise of it and so it happened that although tired in brain and body his mind with thought as were his arms with bundles of papers which he carried home for more leisurely inspection came rapidly up the of lodge that night he was in spirit content with his day s work keenly interested in the development of it using his he entered the square hall silently with results for were in progress within dinner was over mrs and the great linked arm in arm stood near the dining room door watching while those two gay young sparks and worth the far horizon inspired by memories of a recent to the at lions it was a simple game still it gave pleasure to the players clad in an easy fitting dark blue suit with narrow white cross bar lines on it an aged and faded orange sheep skin thrown gallantly across his shoulders on all with the imaginable made rushes from under the dinner table at the devoted who his fiery with and of that truly classic weapon the humble necessary umbrella at each rush the ladies backed and clinging together with the most natural semblance of terror ha wretch beware f nobly only across my prostrate shall you reach your innocent victims say boy he added in a hurried aside i didn t you in the eye by mistake just now did i roared never touched me by a couple of inches but there the would be ferocious animal paused upon its pointing its finger towards the front door thus causing the whole company to wheel and gaze nervously in the direction indicated oh mr how you did me mrs cried laying her hand upon her heart pardon me he answered i had no idea the hall was occupied or i would have rung instead of letting myself in i must further for being so late and for not having that i should be to be back in time for dinner we all know that there are counter attractions which may easily account for miss put in with a toss of her head hush hush dear murmured mrs while the far horizon the two young men made round eyes at each other and de leaning against the on the landing of the half flight announced his presence by a sarcastic laugh mr looked from one to another in surprise he had been thinking so very little perhaps as he told himself little about all these good people for some time past now he became aware of a hostile atmosphere for cause unknown he was in disgrace with them all possibly they resented his indifference possibly they were justified in so doing hence he did not feel angry but merely sorry and perplexed he addressed his hostess with increased of bearing i hope i have not caused you inconvenience mrs he said i was summoned suddenly upon business to the city this morning the business in question proved more complicated than i had anticipated and i was detained by it till late this leads me to tell you if you will forgive my troubling you with personal matters that i shall be compelled to go to the city daily for some weeks to come i shall not therefore be able to give myself the pleasure of joining you at luncheon or probably at dinner either indeed mrs remarked this is rather unexpected mr to me wholly unexpected he answered and in some respects unwelcome but it is unfortunately he bowed gravely to the two ladies and the rest of the little company went on his way upstairs at the half flight stood aside to let him pass then after a moment s hesitation followed him mr he said may i be permitted so far to presume upon our acquaintance as to remind you that you received a letter from me this morning requiring an answer the far horizon paused at the stair head yes i it he coldly and condescended to read it so i to imagine notwithstanding that yon were on important business to the city we are all impressed by that interesting fact vastly impressed by it needless to state i specially so of course since in all its branches as you know commands my admiration and respect literature and art are but as compared with it no one ever recognised that gratifying truth more thoroughly than i do myself still the i beg your pardon i should have said is not wholly by the ideal character of his calling from keeping his promises to poor devils of scholars and literary men such as myself his hands in his pockets his glance at once impertinent and his manner easy to the point of insolence i venture to remind you of my letter therefore and i may add i shall feel obliged if you ll just hand me over those notes without delay i read your letter answered it required consideration oh did it really i supposed that i had expressed myself with perfect but if any point appeared to you to need i am disengaged at the present time i am quite willing to explain thank you answered no explanation is necessary on your part i believe though perhaps a little is on mine i must ask you to remember that i promised to help you within reasonable relation to my means what a reasonable relation it is for me to judge since i alone know what my means are i regret to tell you that your last demand greatly exceeded that reasonable relation	32
i am therefore reluctantly obliged to refuse it the far horizon to refuse it exclaimed yes to refuse it said calmly when your play is ready for production i am prepared to bear the cost of two representations as i have already told you but i am not prepared to make you unlimited advances meanwhile to do so would be no kindness to you wouldn t it broke out excitedly no kindness to me do you imagine i want kindness that i would accept or even kindness from any man and particularly from you i offer you a magnificent and you speak to me as though i was a beggar asking in the street no kindness to me this high moral tone does not become you in the very least let me tell you mr do you suppose i am such a ass as not to see what has been happening doesn t it occur to you that i hold your reputation in my two hands my reputation repeated a very blaze of pride and indignation in his eyes backed hastily away from him with a livid face and shaking knees no no mr he protested i was a fool to say that but i am utterly beaten by work and by worry i do not deny that you have behaved handsomely to me but persistent injustice and cruelty have me is it wonderful and then to night those young and have set my nerves on edge by their and conceit till i really am not for what i say i had better go we can talk of this at another time i dare say i can manage for a day or two though it will not be easy to do so however i am accustomed to rubbing shoulders with every created description of and wretchedness i will go good night entered his sitting room turned up the gas the far horizon and looked round at the orderly aspect of the place with a movement of relief he ranged the bundles of papers upon the table if he was to master their contents he would have to work far into the night and the day had been a long me full of application and of very varied emotions he stood for a little space thin k ing of it all the return to his familiar quarters at the bank had affected him less than he had expected he had not felt it as a return to slavery thanks to the church he said gratefully which on her members the only perfect freedom namely freedom of soul freedom of heavenly then he thought of thought very tenderly of that strangely woman of many moods how clever she was how accurately she knew the ways of men her regarding his in matters theatrical for instance and to and at that point drew himself up short for in a flash the truth came to him that st john s hated of a husband was none other than his fellow de whose shuffling footsteps he heard even now crossing and the floor of the room immediately above chapter xxx i could not write because of course i could not be sure beforehand whether when i came to london i should really wish to see you and george again or not this from and with but as lady was driving in this direction to day and offered to drop me here if i could find my own way back i thought i had better come as i knew it was your afternoon at home and i am sure for my part i am very pleased to have you come mrs replied leading the way towards the seat of honour upon the sofa i always do hold with letting be particularly as between relatives when there has been any little and perhaps your calling will cheer poor up he is very of your and s affection is here the speaker proceeded to swallow rather pressing her handkerchief against her lips perhaps i should be wiser to keep it all to myself she added not without agitation but the sight of you does bring up so much and i am sorry to tell you things are not as happy as they used to be in this house the office of angel was not it must be exactly native to her sympathies being the reverse of acute but at a push curiosity has been known to supply the place of sympathy very and of curiosity had always a large stock at the service of her friends and acquaintance i wonder why she therefore observed in reply to her the far horizon hostess s concluding remark i mean i wonder why things should not be as happy as they used to be i trace the commencement of it all to the time when you were visiting here last november not that i mean you were in any way to blame interrupted with spirit no pray do not connect anything which occurred then with me i think it would be most after all that i have had to go through i really should have thought it only delicate on your part never to refer to what took place during my visit i certainly should have hesitated about coming here to day if i had supposed either you or george would have referred to it what dreadfully bad taste of she added mentally i believe i had better go that would mark my displeasure and teach her to be more guarded with me in future but then perhaps she has something to say which i really ought to know perhaps it would be a mistake to go perhaps i had better stay i do not want to be too harsh with the truth being that she actually to hear more for to her wholly imaginary love episode with mr represented the most vivid of all the	32
very limited experiences of her life her affections had not been engaged since she possessed no affections in any vital sense of that word but she had been flattered and excited she had seemed to herself to occupy a most interesting position demanding infinite tact during the months which had elapsed she had the history of every incident of every hour of intercourse with a thousand times weighing each word every look of his indulging in unlimited speculation and analysis until the proportions of that which had occurred were beyond all possibility of recognition let alone of sane relation to fact to herself therefore the far horizon had become the heroine of an elaborate this greatly increased her importance in her own eyes though she was silent regarding the subject save in allusion the said self importance upon those about her gained both for herself and her opinions a degree of consideration to which she was and which she highly never had presented so bold a front to her and very elder sister never had she enjoyed so much attention in the small and rigidly select circle of society in which she and miss moved spoke with authority upon all subjects on the strength of a purely affair of the heart she is not the first woman who has made capital out of the in this kind nor will she probably be the last nevertheless she was very far from admitting the great benefit which mr had so unconsciously conferred upon her she regarded herself as a deeply injured person injured but for her own admirable caution knowledge of the world and self respect i am well aware it is a trying subject to approach mrs replied with and i am far from you for turning from it i am sure it has weighed sadly on my mind and on george s too not that he has said much but i could see how he felt and then a great deal has come out since that is why i am so gratified to have you call here to day and so will be he has taken it dreadfully to heart finding how we have all been taken in and seeing how wrong it must put him with you and with it is very proper that you should say that the other observed with condescension i think you owe it to me to express regret i should have been sorry if george had proved indifferent for i have been very careful in what i have told of course i might have the far horizon spoken strongly i think anyone would admit i should have been quite justified in doing so but i wished to spare george mamma was very much attached to him and of course he was constantly with us in old days before his marriage it was significant of the wife s state that she received this thrust without a murmur poor was too upset to tell even me for a long time she continued somewhat and you may judge by that how badly he felt he knew how shocked i should be and that i should take it as such an insult to the dear after all his kindness that any friend of ours whom he had talked to in this house should turn who what cried she had determined to maintain a superior and attitude but at this point curiosity became refusing further or delay why mr to be sure mrs answered hardly evidences of satisfaction the news was lamentable no doubt but to have it miss fire in the recital of it would have made it ten times more lamentable still and the worst of it was she continued refreshed by the effect upon her he kept it dark for we don t in the least know how long he mentioned no dates and poor was too upset to ask him of course it is well known how double are always taught to be not that i was ever acquainted with any you never meet them out i am glad to think where we visit still that mr who was quite one of ourselves as you may say so intimate and always appearing the perfect gentleman so open and honest ah there you are wrong the other lady put in with decision while making a violent effort to recover her and superiority you and george may the far horizon be surprised but i am not i always had my suspicions of mr i told you so more than once at the time you and george were annoyed now you see i was right i am seldom mistaken even admits i am very observant after his extraordinary behaviour to me i should not be surprised at anything which mr might do she paused breathless but triumphant have you seen him since all this came out oh no he has called twice but fortunately was out walking he goes out walking a great deal now does the speaker heaved a sigh her satisfaction had been short lived and i told the girl if mr asked for me to say i was particularly engaged he has written to i know that a long letter but i have not been asked to read it mrs pressed her handkerchief against her lips again agitation gaining her after all these years of marriage you know it is a very cutting thing to have any concealment between me and i should not mention it to you but that you were here when it commenced i never supposed no never never there could be any coldness between him and me when i have heard others speak of trouble with their husbands i have always pitied the poor things from my heart but held them mainly responsible now i think differently miss this from the little house rose as well as her hostess superiority departure curiosity urged remaining of	32
course i should feel justified in staying if pressed me to do so she said to herself and in the very act of greeting her new guest did press her to do so surely you are not leaving yet she said the far horizon it would hurt me not to have you stay to tea and would be sadly disappointed to think he had missed you thus graciously consented to remain miss as last arrival being necessarily invited to assume the place of honour upon the sofa selected a chair at as great a distance from that historic article of furniture as the of conversation permitted i must show her that i stay not to see her but solely on s account she commented inwardly i have been very cold in manner i think she must have observed that but the great was in a humour not easily abashed she had called with intentions in the interests of which she plunged into talk you will excuse my coming without mrs she began she was all anxiety to come too fearing you might think her but i prevented it she her strength does and to day her is cruel i ll run across and account for you i said to her you just lie down and take a nap and let the bring you up a little something with your tea and take it early it s not more nourishment i require but less worry dear she said and so it is mrs we all have our troubles miss and often ones which call for silence the wife s large cheeks quivered while but whether in sympathetic agreement with the sentiments expressed by the last speaker or in protest against the presence of the former one it would be difficult to determine i wonder whether that is not best i mean i wonder whether it is not best to be silent she remarked i think people are not usually half cautious the far horizon enough what they tell so many can be avoided if you are really on your guard mamma impressed that upon us when we were children i am very careful but i often think is hardly careful enough most troubles arise through trusting other people too much and that s poor darling all over miss declared with a fine appreciation of opportunity too great has been her worst fault as i always tell her the generous pet not that all our gentlemen are ungrateful mrs i would not have you suppose that poor mr for instance whom i m afraid i have accused of being very surly and at times has come out wonderfully lately but it must be a hard nature indeed which s influence would not soften one such nature i am acquainted with paused looking from one to other of her hearers with much meaning but it is not the case with poor mr he has yielded then there is the tie of an unfortunate domestic past between him and which helps to bring them together of course that means nothing to you mrs the lady addressed swallowed but all are not blessed with such good fortune as yours the great continued mr has been very open with recently he has some surprising tales to tell knowing very well all that is going on in society and that reminds me of a certain gentleman who does not live a thousand miles from here mr has hinted at much that is very startling in that direction the speaker paused again would it be to ask whether you have been favoured with much of mr company during the last few weeks mrs she added ruddy the wife s kindly countenance the far horizon moved slightly upon her chair she was conscious of growing excitement perhaps not quite so much as formerly but then mr has been out walking most evenings the warmer weather always causes him to feel the need of exercise the excellent woman returned putting heroic restraint upon herself and i have been very occupied with the spring cleaning i make it a duty to look into everything myself you know miss not but what my girls are very good i think all the talk about trouble with the servants is very much exaggerated our cook has been with us quite a number of years still i hold it is well for them to have a mistress s if the cleaning is to be thorough if you see to it yourself then you can have nobody to blame and so i have had frequently to deny myself to visitors she gave a sigh of relief trusting she had the conversation into safer channels but the great was not thus to be i asked on s account she declared not on my own mrs it is all of less than no consequence to me except for the sake of lodge how a certain gentleman his time but s interests must be protected with an establishment such as ours a good name is everything you cannot be too particular for any talk of and the place must go down as she says to me but here the wife s natural and sense of justice over prejudice and wounded i am sure i could never believe anyone would have occasion to accuse mr of she said of course the change of religion is dreadful particularly in one who should have known better though a foreigner having had the advantage of being brought up in england nobody can be more aware of that than my the far horizon self and mr it has been a sad grief to us her voice and no doubt early rising and fish meals do make a lot of work and in a household but as to well miss i cannot find it in my conscience to agree to anything as bad as that with solemnity the great shook	32
wonder whether i had better tell mr has become a roman catholic of course she would think i had had a great escape but in any case that does not excuse him he behaved very badly i don t believe for an instant he ever took any notice of mrs i believe that is an entire invention i wonder if the lady who called is the same lady we saw at the theatre and so on and so on all the way home by the road and hill and then northward to the august retirement of lady s large comer house in square for a deeply injured person had really herself very much chapter the burden of august dense and heavy lay upon london outward in lifeless and dull glaring sunshine it involved the nearer so that sitting on a bench beside the crossing common notwithstanding the hour past six o clock and the open space surrounding him found the atmosphere hardly less oppressive than that of the streets the great world which plays had departed the little world the great by some five or six millions which works remained and since he too worked remained likewise sharing with it the burden of the august heat and languor and sharing also to day being sunday its weekly going forth over the face of the and sun land seeking rest and too often finding none for the past two months he had seen st john but seldom nor had he heard from her whether by accident or by design he knew not she had rarely been at home on those occasions when he had been free to call for the last three weeks she had been away up the river so he understood with her friend dot miss a seemed to to have fallen upon his and her friendship ever since the day of his return to messrs barking brothers barking and his discovery or rather of the relation in which de stood to her while her husband remained nameless an unknown quantity the fact of her marriage but as an abstraction so soon as that fact had acquired in his mind whether rightly or a name and local habitation now that he was liable to meet s the far horizon it daily and that in most shape liable to be constantly reminded of its near neighbourhood to witness a thousand and one peculiarities of speech habit and manner for emotions arose in and those of a character of which he was by no means proud resentment took him indignation strange movements of jealousy and hatred all very natural no doubt but decidedly bad for the soul it was idle for him to remind himself that his belief regarding de was based upon supposition upon evidence which might prove merely he could not rid himself of that belief nor of the consequences of it and these so vexed him that he questioned whether it would not be better to remove from lodge and seek a by the perpetual provocation of the man s presence but it was not easy to give a plausible reason to his hostess for any immediate change of residence nor was it easy in the present stress of business at the bank to find time or energy for house hunting the atmosphere of lodge had become his rooms had ceased to be a place of security and repose yet whither should he go the great wilderness of london seemed vastly when it came to the question of selecting a new dwelling place meanwhile he was conscious of the growing between himself and st john which he connected in some way with this haunting yet suspicion of her relation to de a suspicion which tended to rob intercourse of all by introducing into it a spirit of embarrassment and he would have given so very much to know the truth and be able to reckon finally with it but he judged it that he should approach the ugly subject first it was s air her private and property while she elected to keep silence therefore it would be dis the far horizon loyal for him to speak still it distressed him adding to his mental and the happiness might have gone out of their intercourse yet there were times when he wearied for sight and for speech of her more than he quite cared to admit george still held aloof rallied his faith in the divine purpose rallied his obedience to the divine ruling fixed his eyes more patiently upon the promise of the far horizon yet it must be owned he felt very and sad at heart to day driven in part by that friendliness he had come out on the chance of gaining some news of disappointment however awaited him for the discreet though receiving him graciously reported her mistress resident at home again it is true but gone into town on business probably theatrical and unlikely to return until late therefore had walked on to common and finding the uncomfortable bench by the roadside whereon the toy had sought his protection more than a year ago had sat down there to lodge was no longer a refuge he preferred to keep away from it as long as might be perhaps too as the sun dropped the air would grow cooler and the draught and as from the mouth of a furnace which at times only to fall dead might shift to some more merciful quarter a haze hung over london above which the rusty white of a range of cloud into the thick grey blue of the upper sky possibly the cloud thunder and the refreshment of rain amid its giant and on the chance of such refreshment he would stay for in good truth he needed refreshment and that speedily being very tired by long hours in the city by heavy by the burden	32
of the august heat let alone those more intimate causes of dis the far horizon already indicated could not disguise from himself that the close application to business was beginning to tell upon his health this same morning coming back from early mass passing through the passage which leads from palace green into church street he had become so faint from exhaustion that reaching and not without difficulty his former home in holland street he had summoned the neat bald headed little and asked permission to enter the house and rest the ground floor rooms were cool and dusky sheltered by closed shutters from the summer sun only the french window of the back dining room stood open on to the flight of wrought iron steps leading down into the garden beside it the not without placed a kitchen chair for and fetched him a glass of water i could wish i had something better to offer you sir he said but i am an by habit myself and i have no liquor of any kind unfortunately in the house the water however was pleasantly cold and drank it he could have fancied there was virtue in it the of things blessed by long ago mother love and thinking of that his eyes filled with tears as he looked out over the small neglected garden of the once glorious there remained only an stump but still clothed the walls the dark green of its straggling shoots here and there with white blossoms about the lip of the empty stone basin vigorously came and went while in the far corner a grove of lifted their brown and yellow faces towards the light resting gratefully in the cool semi darkness of the empty room until the which had attacked him was passed found the place very gentle soothing and sweet the memories had died out the far horizon here so he noted only gracious and tender ones remained he wished he could stay on as the years and the story of them it is comforting to dwell in a place where once on a time one had been greatly loved turned to the waiting who regarded him with mingled solicitude admiration and deference so the house is still he said yes sir and is likely to remain so i apprehend the lease as i understand falls in a very few years hence and the landlord is unwilling to make any on the house which will probably then be pulled down while no tenant i would be willing to rent a residence so wanting in modem and modern weeks pass sir without any persons calling to view yet the rent is low said very low for so genteel a district i am a native of the royal village myself sir and no is asked now sitting on the uneasy bench upon the of common while the little many world which works in and groups and couples and somewhat foot weary family parties sauntered by that same oppression of came over along with a great for the cool dusky low rooms and the neglected yet still bravely garden of the little house in holland street it would be pleasant to spend one s last days and draw one s last breath there said to himself when the sum of endeavour is complete when the last cable has been sent the last column of figures balanced and when the are closed and one s work being fairly finished one is free to sit still and listen not fearfully but with curiosity for the footsteps of death and the secrets he has in his keeping the far horizon and there he paused for the dusty land and pale dense sky even the rusty white of the great range of cloud slowly slowly climbing high heaven even the light dresses of passing women and children went suddenly black indistinct and confused to his sight so that he seemed to be falling through some depth of dark and space while the dust thick stifling clinging fell with him him with a horror of of crushing yet dead weight then out of the darkness out of the dust in dusty veil and dusty coat the lady of the dust herself came towards him bringing consolation and help chapter you are coming round dear man you really look better what you wanted was a sensible christian meal for i tell you you were most uncommonly done and it was a near whether i should get you home here without having to call on the for assistance don t go and worry now you were superb as usual with enough personal dignity to supply a whole and have some left over for washing day into the bargain you should give lessons in the art of majestic not that you did thank goodness but you came precious near it yes i mean it i mean it dear man nodded her head at him leaned across the comer of the table and patted his arm with the utmost friendliness i want to you into being more careful there are plenty of people one could jolly well spare but you re not among them so lay that to heart or i shan t have an easy moment and then as to personal dignity if you will excuse my entering into details of costume in that grey top hat grey frock coat et et you looked more fit for the royal than for common on a august sunday the eyed you with awe don t be offended there s a dear you can t help being very smart and very beautiful and you t to want to help it even if you could since it gives me so much pleasure your tailor s a but how he must love you must be ready to dress you free of cost	32
for the simple joy of fitting on the little dinner had been excellent the clear soup hot and the ninety two extra dry chilled to a and so with the rest of the glass silver s the far horizon china were set forth upon the fine white under the glow of scarlet shaded candles the double doors connecting the small drawing room and stood open this combined with the fact that lights were limited to the dinner table giving an agreeable effect of coolness and of space while as arrayed in a crisp black muslin gown the and of it painted with shaded crimson roses and bronze green leaves st john to her guest to and rallied him her eyes were dark and luminous and her voice rich in soft caressing tones never had she appeared more engaging more natural and human never stronger yet more tenderly gay yielded himself up gladly gratefully to the charm of the woman and to the comfort of his surroundings temperate in all things he was temperate in enjoyment yet he was touched he was happy life was very sweet to him in this hour of relief from physical distress of renewed friendship and of pretty material circumstance it was such a mercy i had a decent meal to offer you went on often the department is a bit on sunday in well in these days of the cleaned slate but you see of the twentieth century theatre was to tell me this afternoon what decision he had come to about the engagement i have been to get he is an appalling german jew and one part sweet mixture of the chosen and self chosen people he never was pretty and increasing years have not rendered his appearance more but he s the manager going on either side of the atlantic and he doesn t go back on his word once given as too many of them do well he was to let me know and to tell the truth beloved lunatic i was rather keen about this engagement i knew if he did not give it me i should be a little and should stand in su the par horizon need of support and consolation while if he did t should be rather and should want to the event so i ordered a good dinner to be ready in either case laughed gently queer thing the artist she said with its instinct of falling back on creature comforts whatever happens good luck or bad luck it always eats and they gave you the engagement inquired nodded her head in assent yes dear man gave it me he d have been a fool if he hadn t for he knows who i am and what training had and then has made things easy he s a thundering good friend is and in view of late events once i had told him to go i wouldn t of course take a penny of s i had no conscience about letting be useful he was lovely about it i shall only draw a salary for the first six months until i have proved myself what i want is my opportunity and money matters being made easy helped materially both the chosen and self chosen people have a wonderfully keen eye to the bless their little hearts and she paused leaning her elbows on the table and looking sideways at her head thrown back i am dreadfully glad to have you here to night she went on because you see it s a turning point i have pretty well climbed the ridge and reached the the streams have all started running in the other direction towards the dear old work and worry the envy hatred malice and all and all the fun too and good and ambition and joy of the theatre can you understand i at once and it for it s a terribly mixed business already i keep on seeing the rows of white faces rising tier above tier up to the the far horizon roof which turn you sick and give you cold all down your when you first come on and then i go hot with the fight against their or opposition the glorious fight to conquer and hold an audience and bend its emotions and its sympathies as the wind the meadow grass to one s will stretched out her hand across the comer of the table again laying it upon hand her eyes danced with excitement yet her voice shook and the words came but dearly beloved i have your blessing on this new departure haven t i she asked after all it s you just simply you that sends me back to an honest life and to my profession so i should like to have your blessing that and your prayers can you doubt that you have them answered and his voice too shook somewhat now and always dearest of friends for a little minute sat looking full at him he looking full at her then with a sort of rush she rose to her feet come along this won t do she said sentiment strictly it s not wholesome for you after the nasty turn you had on common and it s not particularly wholesome for me either though for quite other reasons moreover it s hot in here so see dear man you re not going just yet i to the bell inn stables for a private to be on hand about for you meanwhile you re to take it easy and rest it is but five steps upstairs and that won t tire you come up into the cool and have your coffee on the balcony and so it came about that followed st john upstairs she moving rapidly in a way followed her into a where a subtle sweetness of root met him	32
great a deuce of a hurry to satisfy that curiosity dear man put in you must contrive to exercise patience for a little while yet please always remembering that it is entirely superfluous to run to catch a train which is bound not to start until you are on board of it and then too you see well there s me after all and i want you face grew keen as he looked at her through that whiteness of moonlight i am glad of that he said very quietly because you are to me dear friend what no other human being has ever yet been the thing that could happen to me save loss of faith would be that you should cease to want me i only pray if it is not self seeking that you may continue to want me as long as i live but your religion she asked a point of jealousy her my religion sin whether of body or mind of the eternal spiritual proportion by any placing of the creature before the creator in a man s action or in his heart but my religion love and it since only through loving can we fulfil the highest possibility of our nature which is to grow into the likeness of almighty god you believe that asked again i do more said i know it then both fell silent having reached the place where words hinder rather help thought and as it hap the far horizon just then the stillness was sensibly broken up and the magic of the night upon by the passing of a couple of h in the road below loaded up with from a day s at court the tired trotted the wheels whispered hoarsely in the dust and voices mingled somewhat in the singing of a then popular sing the soldiers of the queen hearing all of which as the refrain died away up the great road the compelling drama and pathos of life as the multitude lives it without ideas without any conscious nobility of purpose yet with a certain and clumsy heroism took st john by the throat those who stand aside from that drama alike the common joys and common sorrows of it have need so it seemed to her to account for and justify themselves lest they become suspect therefore she looked at intently hesitated a moment and then spoke still i don t understand you in your determined of attitude tell me if you are not afraid of love why have you never married she said and he to an extent that which inspired her question smiled at her somewhat proudly as he answered be under no dear friend i am a perfectly normal piece of flesh and blood with a man s normal passions and his natural craving for wife and child home family and the like but during my mother s lifetime i was bound to other service than that of marriage but in years since her death asked there is a time for everything as the preacher a due and proper time which must be observed if life is to be a reasoned progress not a mere stumbling from the weakness of childhood to the of old the far horizon age and can anything be more at with that wise teaching than the spectacle of in a man of well over fifty permitted herself a lively all the same you have sacrificed yourself as usual she said not so very greatly perhaps replied with a humorous expression for i have always been very and have asked very much i am fastidious my tastes are far beyond my means my desires out of all reasonable relation to my station and my merits and it should be remembered that my circle of acquaintances has been a very limited one until quite recently i do not wish to appear more or than i actually am i had my ideal it happened that i failed to it and i am very impatient of compromise in matters of intimate and purely personal import in respect of them i hold i have an right to consult my own tastes it has always been easier to me to go without than to accept a in point of fact no woman was good enough poor brutes mused a little with averted face how cheap they d all feel i ve not forgotten the and withered leaf if they knew how they all fell short she added suddenly she looked round at her eyes were as stars but her lips trembled bless me but you ve original methods of conveying information it s lucky for me i ve a steady head so so it comes to this i reign all alone she said yes dear friend save for my love for my mother such as the throne is or ever has been you reign alone answered quietly the far horizon rested her elbows upon her knees dropped her face into her hands and sat thus bowed together in the whiteness of the moonlight ah dear she murmured presently i ve got my answer it s better and worse than i expected all the same i m content that s to say the best of me is content thank you a thousand times thrice beloved and very most exceedingly one she said then for a while both were silent wrapped about and resting in the magic of the summer night when roused herself at last to speak it was in a different key matter of fact look here dear man do you in the least how extremely far gone you were when i arrived to you on common this evening because i tell you plainly i didn t in the very least like it in my opinion it is high time you gave up dragging that barking	32
brothers barking cart i shall give up doing so very soon replied just now i am acting as manager sir is at and the other partners are out of town i like that lazy animals said but the situation is in process of itself has practically itself already thanks to you in part no doubt there was a disposition to panic which rendered it exceedingly difficult to get accurate and definite information at first however i arrived at the necessary with patience and and was able to draw out a clear detailed statement this proved so far satisfactory that messrs hills co and s bank have considered themselves justified in undertaking to barking brothers until business in south africa has resumed its ordinary course the far horizon u then the elderly are saved yes i believe practically they are saved said and therefore as soon as sir has finished his cure and returns i shall retire rose clapping her hands together with irritation sir s cure be hanged she cried what do i care about his old liver or his or anything else let him pay the price of steadily over eating himself for more than half a century i ve no use for him what i have a use for is you dear man more than ever now don t you see her voice softened became caressing after our recent little explanation and you shan t kill yourself i won t have it i won t allow it therefore be reasonable my good dear put away your of self or keep it exclusively for my benefit write and tell the barking man to hurry up with his liver and his tell him you re being to death dragging his rotten old cart and that he s just got to come home and set you free and get between the shafts and do the dragging and himself ah there s the you must go i d no notion it was so late and so it came about that once more followed the lady of the dust into the faintly scented where fantastic brightness of and moonlight the polished of the dark furniture the green silk and the dimly ceiling and walls his instinct was to pass on as quickly as might be to the secure commonplace of the landing without but half way across the room at the foot of the low and brass st john stopped and turned swiftly his passage with extended arms stay a minute for probably we shall never meet in this poor little house again best beloved one she said it is too far out i must move into town puts the the far horizon play into next week and i must live near the theatre and then too well you know since i ve made up my mind it s best to clean the slate even in respect of one s dwelling place memories stick stick like a and they raise emotions of a slightly disturbing character sometimes i am sure of myself and yet i know it s safest to make a clean sweep of whatever reminds me of all the forbidden dear damned lot i regret nothing don t imagine that i m keen on my work the artist after all is the strongest thing in me i m quite happy now i have made up my mind my no e is in the air i can look creation in the face without an i can respect myself and i m grateful to for taking me on and to for the creature s palm for me still still you can imagine can t you that take it all round it s not precisely a young woman s christian association blooming party for me just at present dashed her hand across her eyes half laughing half sobbing ah love me love me in your own way the clean way that s all i ask all that i want only love me always he said she laid her hands on shoulders and threw back her head and he holding her bending down kissed her white face soft heavy hair over red lips her tragic and eyes which looking on the evil and measuring the very actual immediate delights of it still had courage in the end to reject it and choose the good kissed them reverently gravely proudly with the and chivalry of perfect friendship ah that s better i m better bless you don t be afraid i ll play fair to the finish only keep well quit that rotten old bank now go dear man go said chapter during the past six weeks events had galloped to it appeared that changes were in course of in ms he neither hailed nor but met them with a patience to them clearly in all their bearings would have been to add to the sense of fatigue from which he too constantly suffered more than sufficient to each day was the labour thereof so he looked beyond to the greater repose and freedom which as he trusted lay ahead upon the morning immediately in question he had closed his work at the bank sir s had been characteristic his clothes it is true still hung loosely upon him his library chair and extensive writing appeared a world too big for he was and had become an old man yet though signs of thus outwardly declared themselves in spirit he had regained tone and returned to his former high estate along with the revival of financial security had come a revival of an to patronage in manner and in speech he had ceased to be humble and human self righteous self complacency again loudly announcing itself so you propose to retire you ask to be relieved of your duties my good friend he asked of who had requested the favour	32
of an interview in his private room let us then congratulate ourselves upon the fact that i have returned from my upon the continent with so far health that i feel equal to meeting the of my position and am not consequently compelled out of a sense s s the far horizon of duty either to myself or to my to offer any objection to your retirement before we part i should however wish to place it clearly on record that my confidence both in the of my own judgment and in our capacity as to meet any strain put upon our resources was not this no one can i think fail to admit our house from this period of trial with the hall mark of public sympathy and esteem upon it and in this connection it is instructive to note the working of the law of compensation this war for example which to the ordinary mind might have appeared an evil since it threatened to our position among the leading of the capital of the world has in the event served not only to our position but to the of that and self seeking member of our firm my unhappy nephew and afford us legitimate excuse for his removal we appeared to touch on disaster but by that very means we have been enabled to rid ourselves of a still this must remain a painful subject sir became pensive fixing his gaze the while upon the portrait the wall over against him to an acute observer the said portrait had always been now it had become so a merciless of the old gentleman whom it represented and to whom it bore much the same resemblance as a soaring fully bears to that same object with half the gas let out of it in a condition of and semi a painful subject he repeated nobly i refrain from upon it and pass to other matters as to the part you yourself have borne in the history of our recent anxieties i feel i cannot do less than tender you the thanks of myself and my co partners i do not disguise from you that a tendency existed to my the far horizon t action in you to your business methods and question your ability to march with the times but these objections proved i am happy to think the faith i in you has been justified and i may tell you in confidence that should the occasion for doing so arise my will in future have as little hesitation in calling upon your services as i should have myself the speaker paused as for applause and who had remained standing during this prolonged no suggestion having been made on the present occasion that he should be seated proceeded to acknowledge the peculiar compliment just paid him with somewhat courtesy your words are extremely sir he remarked calmly the gentleman addressed regarded him sharply for a moment as though doubtful of the exact purport of his words then suspicion of covert sarcasm being clearly sir spoke again in his largest platform manner although the tones of his voice like his person were of the fulness of their former and it has ever been my effort to reward merit by encouragement he replied and were testimony to the wisdom of my practice in this particular needed i should point i candidly tell you my good friend to the excellent results of my recent demand upon your and he leaned sideways in his chair assuming the posture of the portrait conscious of having really said a very handsome thing indeed to his ex head clerk for he added i sincerely in the worth of example it is hardly too much to assert that a generous and employer eventually the employed with a at of his own superior qualities the far horizon again he paused but truth to tell had not only grown very weary of discourse and but somewhat impatient also he had hoped better things of the man after the nasty shaking fortune had recently given him consequently he was disappointed for it was very effectually borne in upon him that only absence of feathers makes for grace in a goose once the of the foolish bird covered it and that loudly to the old tune hence in the interests of christian charity he agreed with himself to cut short the interview lest anger should get the better of i think we have now discussed all questions calling for your personal attention sir he said and all documents and correspondence relating to affairs during your absence have been placed in your hands if therefore you have nothing further to ask me i need not any longer upon your valuable time with that after a brief pause he moved towards the door but the other man half rising from his chair called after him your attention for one moment that matter of a salary i supposed i had made my terms perfectly clear sir remarked coldly no doubt in the first instance but should you have your decision and should you think the you enjoy an insufficient i am to make you the offer in addition of a fixed salary for the past six months listening to which and awkward recognition of his own rather dealings mr temper began to rise his jaw to grow rigid and his eyes alight i am not in the habit of changing my mind sir he said i proposed to make you a free gift of my time the far horizon and such experience as i may possess nothing has occurred to alter or that intention there are circumstances into which i do not choose to enter which would render it extremely distasteful to me to accept anything over and above my from yourself or from any member of your family or firm here sir who had been	32
standing down half empty like into his chair again he eyed sharply doubtful of the exact purport of his speech but again suspicion of covert sarcasm still more of covert rebuke being to him quite inconceivable he rejoined with a condescension which he could not but feel was altogether enough enough my good friend that is sufficient i will detain you no longer but will merely add that i commend your while the sentiments which dictate your refusal these it is easy to interpret they shall not be forgotten since they constitute a very suitable acknowledgment of the advantages and benefits which have to you during you long association with my partners and myself later westward upon the meditated in a spirit of humorous pity upon the above conversation he was very glad he had not lost his temper eyes blinded by self worship an hide these things too have their uses in time very practical uses which it would be silly to why then be angry the truly wise man as told himself with a somewhat mournful smile to leave such time wise fools as sir barking to almighty god for because if it can be said without the almighty alone has wit enough to deal with them and for his comfort on lower he reminded himself that though the house of barking might show him scant gratitude and attribute its financial the far horizon tion to its own inherent virtue this was not the opinion held by the manager of s bank and certain members of hills co had congratulated personally upon his admirable conduct of affairs during the crisis and assured him of the high respect they had conceived for his judgment his and business in this there was satisfaction of a silent but deep seated sort satisfaction of pride since he had accomplished that which he had set forth to accomplish satisfaction of honour through and with that satisfaction he bade himself rest content while turning his thoughts to other and more subjects and in this connection it was inevitable that a former westward upon a should occur to him with its strange record of likeness and in circumstance and outlook then as now somewhat in mind and in health he had closed a period of labour and faced new conditions new habits freedom and leisure but now on matters of vital because of eternal importance his mind was at rest loneliness and on coming old age had ceased to him the ship of his individual fate no longer drifted or risked danger of but steadily towards the promise of a secure and lovely the voyage might be long or short at this moment supposed himself indifferent in the matter since he believed not but through the of a great faith that the end was certain and meditating just now upon that gracious conviction while the red painted half empty onward down a sense of the unusual of things immediate and visible took hold on him for to day the monstrous mother london town wore a pensive and delicate aspect the tender melancholy of the far horizon early autumn was upon her she looking and even youthful as does a penitent from the soil of past by and tears no doubt she would sin again and herself for the melting moods of a great city are transient yet for the moment she showed very meek and mild the atmosphere was clear with the exquisite which follows abundant and welcome rain after a spell of heat and the trees somewhat in foliage were distinct with infinite of golden and tints as of metal against their black branches and the endless vista of grey and red buildings finely yet without up into a thin sad blue sky with long drawn and islands low and of pale luminous cloud upon the grey the bright coloured dress of a woman green or pink took on a peculiar value here and there amid the of darkly clad and in the traffic too the white of a van or rather and of the stood away from the sombre hues of the mass of the air as met it he occupying the seat on the right immediately behind that of the driver was soft yet with a perceptible freshness of moisture in it a cool wistful wind seeming to hail from very far the wings of it laden less with hopeful promise than with rare gentle yet penetrating regrets so that even while the refreshment of it was moved in spirit with impressions of impending as though it spoke to him of things finished laid aside not wholly without sorrow and so far as outward seeming went forgot involuntarily his eyes filled with tears then he reproached himself of what had he to complain the will must indeed be weak the spiritual vision clouded if these vague voices of nature could so disturb s the far horizon the serenity of the soul thus he reasoned with himself almost sternly but just then the flaming rose scarlet bill on the knife board of a passing attracted his attention along with the announcement in big letters which it set forth to night the twentieth century theatre opened its winter season with a new piece by that admirable but all too indolent and and in it st john played the leading lady s part chapter opposite st mary s church mr lighted down from the his eyes were still dazzled by those flaming bills was handsomely the knife board of every second displayed them now he came to look his thought turned in quickened interest towards the lady of the dust and all that the said stood for in her case he had seen her a few days ago after and she had warned him off being present to night it s all going like hot cakes dear man she had	32
said gaily still as you love me don t come i should be more nervous of you than ninety dozen critics i shall want you badly all the same don t doubt that and i shall play to you all the while though you re not there but don t you understand if i actually saw you it might come between me and my part i shouldn t be sure who i really was and that would make me as as a sick cat you shall know i ll wire to you directly the show s over but i d best have my first round quite alone with the public and then a first night is always a bit not quite fair on the play or the company or the audience either for that matter a play s the same as a ship if there s any real art in it it needs time to find itself so just wait like a lamb till we ve all shaken into place and i m quite at home in the saddle and in truth had plenty to occupy his time and attention at this particular juncture of s at the twentieth century theatre for to morrow would close his connection with lodge as to day had closed his connection with messrs barking the far horizon brothers barking the mind in hours of fatigue when vitality is low and the power of consequently deficient has a tendency to work in so to speak one strain of thought another hence it was that contemplation of those gaudy and of their bearing upon s fortunes failed to the of which had come to and somewhat him as he looked upon the pensive face of london penitent by the breath of the wistful far autumn wind involuntarily and notwithstanding his of them he continued to question those and the clinging melancholy of them asking whether they bore relation merely to the two not wholly unwelcome above indicated or whether the induced by them did not find its source in some sentiment some of approaching change far more intimate and profound than of employment or alteration of dwelling place then as he walked on up church street another of thought presented itself for he could not but call to mind how many hundred times he had trodden that pavement before close against the close packed traffic the high on right hand the row of modest shop fronts on the left on his way home to the little house in holland street once more that house was home to him he would cross its familiar threshold to day as master yet how differently to of old how steep the hill was how languid and spent he became in ascending it slowly deliberately instead of with light footed energy and indifference and this made him ask himself what if these of of impending of had indeed a very special and definite significance being sent to him as of the approach of a common yet to each individual being unique and altogether tremendous change what if that the far horizon haunting curiosity of the concerning which he had spoken with st john amid the white magic of the moonlight during the enchanted hour of his and her friendship was to be satisfied very soon drew himself up to his full height fatigue and bodily weakness alike forgotten and stood for a little space at the turn into holland street hat in hand facing the chill wind and looking away into the fine perspective of sky by and islands of pale luminous cloud calmly yet with the sharp amazement inevitable when things taken for granted and accepted throughout a lifetime suddenly advance into the immediate becoming actual imperative he asked himself was death so very near then at the church of the just above the high roofs and slender iron of which the of the intervening houses a bell as the priest in giving the elevated the sacred host and that note at once austere and plaintive striking across the hoarse murmur and of the streets was very grateful to for it assured him of this at least that when for him the supreme hour did indeed strike and he was called upon to go forth alone as every soul must to meet the impenetrable mystery which the close of the earthly chapter he would not go forth but fortified made ready in so far as readiness for so an ordeal is possible by the rites of holy church te in te non in he quoted half aloud and then could not forbear to smile gravely and somewhat sadly the deep pathos of the fact that the majestic hymn of praise and the far horizon by the use of throughout centuries to the of highest triumph still ends with a sob of shrinking of entreaty and very pain meditating upon which and upon much implied by it not only of sorrow but of consolation for is not afraid to understand moved onward but so closely do things absurd and trivial things august and of profound significance in daily he was speedily aroused from meditation and his attention claimed by example of quite another order of pathos to that suggested by the concluding verses of the te some little way ahead a brown painted furniture van was backed against the from the cave like interior of it white men bore a miscellaneous collection of goods among others a battered grey with flowing mane and tail across the yard wide strip of garden and in at the front door of a small old fashioned house bass were strewn upon the pavement sheets of packing paper down the before the wind while standing in the midst of the litter watching the process of with perplexed and even agitated interest was a figure large of	32
short of limb where the lines of beauty demand if not at least a refined of surface the latin unlike the saxon does not consider it necessary as soon as is past to his heart or failing successful performance of that heroic operation strictly to limit the of it to his legitimate or otherwise hence felt no shame that the sight of his old or of his old school fellow now unhappily from and suspicious of him should provoke in him a great tenderness upon the battered rocking horse his heart the far horizon t rode away to the dear sheltered happiness of childhood while towards his former school fellow it went forth in for it appeared to him that for one who had so lately held converse with approaching death it would be a very scandal of light minded to resentment against any fellow creature in near prospect of the eternal judgment private and judgment can surely afford to declare a universal in respect of personal and injuries therefore after but a moment s hesitation he went on laid his hand upon george s shoulder and called him affectionately by name the latter cried and stood staring well to be sure you did surprise me to think of meeting you just by accident to day like this he grew furiously red gladness and embarrassment struggling within him he strove to be faithful to the of and prejudices which he his convictions for here was the representative of the accursed thing enemy of truth of patriotism of marriage of senseless but alas how he loved that representative how he honoured his intelligence admired his person his companionship beholding once again george rejoiced as at the finding of lost treasure hence perplexed yet with the innocent half shy ecstasy of a girl looking upon her recovered lover he gazed up into mr face i give you my word i was never more taken in my life he protested as it happened i was just thinking about old times observing that some family is moving into your former house but i had no notion of meeting you positively i am unable to grasp the fact i have not a word to say to you because i require to the far horizon say so much i know there is a great deal which needs explanation on my part and then your calling me by my name too i declare it went right through me as a voice from the grave might put aside explanations replied you are not going to quarrel with me any more let that suffice no i cannot quarrel with you any more i am sure i don t know whether it is or not but i cannot do it regardless of observation he pulled out a handkerchief and his face if it is i must just let it go he said quite i cannot help myself i give you my word i have held out as long as i could this appeal to as against himself appeared to him abundantly unaffected and i cannot but believe you will find the consequences of renewed intercourse with me less than you suppose he answered smiling that is what the wife says the other man stated she has round completely in her opinion has the wife i do not understand why except that mrs and miss and she seem to to have fallen out the workings of females minds are very difficult to follow ven after years of marriage you know opposition to one of their own sex will make them warmly opinions you supposed were just those which they most strongly condemned she has taken a very high tone for some time past about the lodge ladies has the wife and when i came in the evening of her last at home day i found her sadly upset at having heard from one of them that you were about to leave she implied i was to blame whereas i can say my conduct throughout has been largely influenced by the the far horizon fear of her feelings the speaker looked helplessly at mr of course we do not expect the same in speech from females we require of ourselves still such are rather i cannot be otherwise than very grateful to mrs for my cause you see replied this confused and gentle being struggling with the of friendship religious prejudice and feminine methods and was wholly moving circumstances have arisen which have made me decide to give up my rooms at lodge to night is the last upon which i shall occupy them but i do not wish mrs to be under any regarding my hostess and her companion i have nothing to complain of during my long residence they have treated me with courtesy and consideration i wish them nothing but good still the time has come i feel for leaving lodge here the worthy george s imagination indulged in wild flights visions of a hideous and rugged cell of the sort known exclusively to and of a beautiful woman in rose red skirts and a costly overcoat presented themselves to him in amazing of course i have all right to question you as to your plans he said hurriedly and humbly i quite that i believed i was acting on principle in keeping away from you all the more because it pained me terribly to do so i believed i was being consistent now i begin to fear i was only obstinate and cowardly your kindness of manner has completely me i see how superior you are in liberality to myself and so it cuts me to the quick more than ever to part from you fo the far horizon why should we part asked but you are going away the wife told me she heard you were leaving london altogether whether to i hardly like to mention the	32
supposition to join some brotherhood or or to be married she did not know mr shook his head smiling sweetly and bravely oh no no my dear fellow he answered rumour must have been rather busy with my name i fear i am about equally ill fitted for and for married life the day of splendid whether of religion or of love is over for me and i shall die as i have lived a bachelor and a nor shall i cease to be your neighbour for i am only returning here he pointed to the open door in at which white men carried that miscellaneous collection of furniture to the little old holland street house lately i have had a great craving upon me to be at home again alone save for one or two precious with leisure to read and to think and in as far as my poor mental powers permit to become a humble student of the awe inspiring philosophy things natural and supernatural of which the catholic church is the her its her ceremonies and the appointed of its secret truths expression was exalted his speech penetrated by enthusiasm it would be profitable and happy he said before the final of accounts to be a little better in this wonderful and living wisdom and george stood watching him bewildered agitated full of doubt and inquiry ah it is all beyond me quite beyond me he exclaimed presently mistaken or not i see you are in touch with thoughts altogether outside my experience and comprehension i supposed could only be held by and superstitious persons i see i was wrong the far horizon i ask your pardon i see i quite it then his manner changed quick perception and consequent distress seizing him ah but you are ill that is the meaning of it all you are ill now i come to observe you i see how thin and drawn your face im how shall i ever forgive myself for not finding that out sooner i have differed from you and blamed you i have and thought bitterly of you and avoided you i have even been envious hearing how successfully you carried through affairs this anxious time at the bank i have been a mean spirited individual no i can never forgive myself i have found you again only to lose you you are in bad health you have been suffering and i never thought to inquire about that i never knew it but made effort to comfort him not even to fight the fatigue and weakness which as he could not but own daily increased on him if only for the sake of this faithful and simple perhaps the sands are running rather low ho said but that does not greatly matter the conditions in process of alteration now that i am free of my city work the strain is practically over with care and quiet the sands that remain in the glass may run very slowly i have a peaceful time in prospect here in my old home when i left here eight years ago i could not make up my mind to part with any of our family so i all the contents of the house save those which i took to furnish my rooms at lodge now these half forgotten possessions see the light once more this in itself should constitute a staying of the running sands a putting back of the hands of the clock then i have two good servants to care for me i am fortunate in that and your friendship is restored to me i should be s the far horizon ungrateful if i did not live on for a while to enjoy all this kindly circumstance so do not grieve there are many after dinner pipes to be smoked many talks to be talked yet come into the house and see it as you used to know it when we both were young surely it is a good omen that you my earliest friend should be my first visitor when i come home chapter de was not drunk but he had been drinking persistently as his custom was in times of mental excitement in the hope of keeping up courage and irritable nerves the series of moods usually on such recourse to followed one another with clock work regularity he was alternately elated moral to the point of tears the first of his long promised play had but very ill notwithstanding large advertisement and free the second had even worse disposed persons slipping out between the acts had been careful not to return less disposed ones had remained to or hiss failure had been written in capital letters across the whole performance and in the estimation of every one save the unhappy author himself the play had perished in the very act of birth but of this tragic termination to so many extravagant hopes was still ignorant as he entered the sitting room at lodge that same night a little after half past ten o clock he had dined in the old house in holland street served by the german who some weeks previously hearing of his intended departure had announced his intention of himself had given mrs warning and in moving terms and three languages implored employment of declaring that the other gentlemen resident at lodge were no class their utterly unworthy of his powers of brushing and folding s the far horizon stayed on in holland street until late the charm and gentleness of old associations the sight of familiar objects the gladness of restored friendship with george working upon him to he was tranquil in spirit serene with the calm twilight serenity of the strong who have learned the secret of and who while all glad and gracious have themselves to resignation and in the affairs of this world do neither greatly fear	32
nor greatly hope and it was in this spirit he had made his way back to lodge and entered the square sitting room but the door closed he paused aware of some sinister influence some unknown yet repulsive presence the room was nearly dark the gas being lowered to a pin point on either side the moved across to turn it up and in so doing stumbled over an unexpected obstacle de smith who had been uneasily in the one remaining sat upright with an oath what are you at you swine he shouted then as the light shone forth he made an effort to recover himself it s hardly necessary to announce your advent by kicking me mr he said thickly and without attempting to rise from his seat not but that there is an in that graceful form of introduction only a kick from the benevolent patron who professed himself so disposed towards me was required to make up the sum of outrage which has been my portion to day have you seen the theatrical in the evening papers with trembling hands he spread out a newspaper upon his knees see the way that dirty who succeeded me upon the daily has me and my play to cut bits of live flesh out of me and them in and washed down my wounds with the of compassion and good advice that is the style of recognition a really the far horizon first class work of art fit to rank with the with and and or for there are qualities of all these very masters in my writing gets from the present day press as i have told you all along the critics and hate me because they fear me i have never spared them i have exposed them and their ignorance and want of in print they know i spoke the truth their hatred is witness to my they have been nursing their for years now with one consent they pour it forth it is a vile plot and conspiracy they were sworn to swamp me so they formed a ring they did not care what they spent so long as they succeeded in crushing me every one has been bought miserably bought this is the only conceivable explanation of the reception my play has met with they got at the members of my company my actors played better at first better at yesterday and to day they have played like a row of wooden of ed of rot stricken they missed their and forgot their lines or pretended to do so and then had the infernal impertinence to and blast them i heard them i could have screamed i tried to stop them and the stage manager swore at me in the wings and the scene laughed it was a hideous nightmare the audience laughed the sound of it is in my ears now and it me for it was not natural laughter it was not spontaneous how could it be so it was simply part of this conspiracy to ruin me it was hired mockery bought and paid for the mockery of the mockery of grinning he crushed the newspaper together with both hands flung it across the room and broke into hysterical weeping for my play is a he it is a the far horizon work of genius no other man living could have written it yet it is damned by a public and press while i know and they know they must know the fact is self evident that it is great nothing less than great during this stood immovable facing the speaker but looking down not at him rigid in attitude silent any attempt to stem the torrent of the wretched man s speech would have been futile judged it kindest just to wait letting passion tear him till by force of its own violence it had worn itself out then but not till them it might be to still the exhibition was a very painful one putting a heavy strain upon the spectator for be a fellow creature never so in nature and in habit never so by vanity and self love it cannot be otherwise than hideous to see him upon the rack and that de was very actually upon the rack a rack well deserved may be and of his own but which his every joint to the agony of nevertheless there could be no manner of doubt coming as conclusion to the long day to the peaceful evening the thought of the lady of the dust moreover and her fortunes so eminently and presently just now in the balance in his mind the whole situation was horrible to but s mood changed his tears ceasing as as they had begun he ceased to and passed his hands across his blood shot eyes drew himself up in his chair began to even to i forget myself and forget you too mr which is he said for you are about the last person from whom i could expect or should desire to receive sympathy persons of my world scholars and and persons of your world money can in the nature of things have very little the far horizon in common there is a great gulf fixed between them i beg your pardon for having so far forgotten myself as to that fact and talked on subjects incomprehensible to you what follows however will be more in your line i imagine and it is this which has made me come here to night you that your has turned out an unfortunate one you have lost lost your money i was not wholly unprepared for that answered his temper was beginning to rise with drink by failure hardly for his words or actions still the man s tone was rather too offensive for endurance i had made full provision for such	32
a i accept the loss pray do not let it trouble you oh you accept it do you you were prepared for it broke in you can afford to throw way a cool three hundred pounds the expenses will amount to that at least in the bulk how very agreeable for you your late operations in the city must have been profitable i was not aware until now that we had the honour of a among us at lodge but let me tell you this extremely superior tone does not please me mr it smells of insult i warn you you had better be a little careful even a miserable persecuted like myself can make it unpleasant for those who insult him i must request you to remember that i am a gentleman by birth and that i have the feelings of my class where my personal honour is concerned do you suppose i do not know perfectly well that the benevolent attitude you have seen fit to assume towards me has been a blind from first to last and that every penny you have advanced me until now as well as the three hundred pounds the loss of which you so beg me not to let trouble me is hush money yes hush the far horizon money i repeat the price of my silence regarding your with my wife my wife who herself we will introduce no woman s name into this conversation if you please interrupted sternly the limit of things had been passed his face was white and keen as a sword the weight of years and of failing health had vanished burned up by fierce disgust and anger as is mist by the sun heat he was young in bearing careless of consequence or of danger as some century finely bred fighting man face to face with his enemy and who given honourable opportunity he would kill or be killed by without faintest scruple or remorse and of this temper of mind his aspect was so eloquent that de with liquor though he was seeing him was seized with panic he scrambled to his feet flung himself behind the chair clinging to the back of it for support don t look at me like that you spanish devil he you me you me my brain is you re drawing the life out of me i shall go mad if you come a step nearer i ll make a scandal i ll call for help ah in heaven who s that only the entering in hand and leaving the door wide open behind her upon the landing with out and in comic attitudes stood at attention a for you sir is the boy to wait she inquired in a stifled voice she could hardly keep a straight face as she reported downstairs subsequently that ridiculous was so full of his jokes tore open the yellow envelope and held the telegraph form to the light glorious luck happy as a queen come to supper after performance to morrow love the far horizon his face softened no answer he said and turned to speak some word of mercy to wretched de but the latter had out at the open door while mr in an of humour at the departing effectually covered his retreat by cake walking with very high knee action the length of the landing playing appropriate dance music the while upon an imaginary in the shape of s new handled walking stick for some time heard shuffling footsteps moving to and fro in the room overhead then threw himself heavily upon his bed the wire and again twice unbroken silence followed and breathed more easily hoping the miserable being slept for him there was no sleep his body was too tired his mind too vividly and painfully awake he lay down it is true since he did not care to remain in the or occupy the chair in which de had sat but throughout the night he stared at the darkness and heard the hours strike at sunset the wind had dropped dead in the small hours it began to rise and before dawn to to another quarter softly at first and then with richer the tree greeted its mysterious comrade singing of far distant times and places and of the of nature as against the fitful life of man that singing soothed and him assuring him that in the hands of the almighty are all things small and great past present and to come there is neither haste nor nor accident nor in the divine plan but that plan is large beyond the possibility of human intellect to grasp or comprehend therefore humble faith is also highest wisdom the far horizon as the dawn quickened into day drew aside the curtain and looked out behind the dark branches where they cleared the and met the open sky thrown wide upward to the was the rose scarlet of sunrise holding as it seemed to him at once the splendour of battle and the peace of crowned achievement and was it but a pretty conceit or a truth of happiest import the colour of certain bills and the colour of a certain woman s name chapter the narrow lane running back at right angles to the great was filled with light and covered in with gloom low hanging and impenetrable the high blank buildings on either side of it looked like the perpendicular walls of a the black roof they apparently supported being as solid and substantial as themselves the effect thereby produced was suspect and prison like as of a space walled in and closed from open air and day outside the stage entrance of the twentieth century theatre a small crowd had collected and formed up in two parallel lines across the pavement to the against which a smart single and some half a dozen four and were drawn up	32
just then turned into the comparative peace of place it became possible to speak softly there was a death in the house last night he went on that of a person with whom i have been rather closely associated he died under circumstances demanding of a distressing character no one save myself was qualified or perhaps willing to assume the responsibility of calling in the authorities glanced at his companion conscious that while he spoke her attitude and humour had altered considerably she was motionless he saw her dark against the the far horizon square light of window glass her mouth was slightly open as with intensity of attention well well what then she said the man had just a heavy reverse he had all his hopes all his future upon a single venture it proved a failure he could not accept the fact and believed himself the victim of gross injustice and of conspiracy do you believe it too no answered i have an immense pity for him as who would not still i am compelled to believe that failure came from within rather than from without he his own powers held up her hand wait half a minute she said in an oddly harsh voice leaning forward she put down the front glass and called to the coachman don t go to drive on never mind where so long as you keep to empty streets drive on and on do you hear till i tell you to stop she put the window up again and settled herself back in her place dragging the from off her head and her throat she looked full at mr her face showing ghostly white against the dark of the carriage her eyes were wide with question and with fear which was also in some strange way hope now you can speak dear friend she said quite steadily i shall be glad to hear the whole of it though it is an ugly story the man was miserable and he is dead and the circumstances of his death point to what suicide in reply told her how that morning the servants failing to get any response to their knocking the upper part of the house being moreover pervaded by a sickening smell of gas help had been called in and de s door being forced open he had been found lying the far horizon fully clothed and cold upon his bed an empty of and an empty glass on the table beside him both gas turned full on though not alight at the top of place the coachman took his way first the outer ring of s park and then making the gradually ascending slope of the road the detached houses on either side standing back in their walled gardens were mostly blind only here and there behind drawn curtains a window glowed telling of intimate drama gallant or mournful within the wide grey were deserted the place quiet save for the occasional heavy tread of a passing policeman on beat and the trot of the horse and the lady of the dust was quiet likewise looking straight before her sitting upright her hands clasped in her lap the shifting lights and shadows playing over her face and her bare neck causing her to appear and indefinite as a figure in a dream yet a strange energy possessed her and from her so that the atmosphere about her was electric oppressive to as with a brooding of storm her very was weighed with meaning which his imagination and even his powers of and self control opposite cottage station where the main road forks a string of market drowsy backed by a pale green wall of glistening nodding above their slow moving passed with a of brass mounted harness and grind of wheels this roused and the storm broke she said do you at all know what you ve just told me means to me i have never known positively until now but it was impossible that i should not have entertained suspicions did he you know who i mean ever speak of me the far horizon i think said he came very near doing so more than once but i put a stop to the conversation you frightened him rejoined i know one could do that it was a last resource a hateful one is there anything so difficult to forgive as being driven to be cruel one was bound to be cruel in self defence or one would have been stifled utterly degraded by self contempt to death not only in respect of money but of she threw up her hands with a gesture at once fierce and despairing oh the weak the weak she cried of how many crimes they are the authors crimes more particularly abominable when the weak one is the man and woman poor brute is strong she settled herself sideways in the comer of the carriage turning her face once more full upon her companion look here she said i don t want to myself what i ve done i ve done i don t pretend it s pretty or innocent or that i haven t jolly well got to pay the price of it though i think a good deal has been paid by now but it seems to me my real crime was in marrying him rather than in leaving him it was a crime against love love which alone if you ve any real sense of the inherent of things makes marriage otherwise than an outrage upon a woman s pride and her virtue but then one doesn t know all that when one s barely out of one s and you see like a fool i took the first comer out of just that people t see how awfully hard hit i was by his people interfering and	32
preventing my marrying the poor dear boy who gave me this spread out the end of her i ve told you about him stage people are simple in some ways you know they live in such a world of and that they lose their sense of fact or s the far horizon rather they never develop it they re awfully easily taken in words go a tremendous long way with them and de could talk he was specially on the subject of himself he made be believe he was rather wonderful and i wanted to believe he was wonderful i wanted to believe he was all the in creation rolled into one all the more i wanted to believe it because i wasn t one scrap in love with him beat with one hand almost roughly on mr arm do you see do you see do you see she repeated do you understand i want you so badly to and he answered her gently and gravely do not be afraid dear friend i see with your eyes i feel with your heart as far as one human being can enter into and share the experience of another i do understand but the nuisance is she went on the comers of her mouth taking a wicked twist you know so very much more about a man after you ve married him other people are inclined to forget that sometimes is hideous at close quarters it comes out in a thousand ways in mean little and absurd which would never have entered into one s head i don t want to go into all that it s better forgot only they piled up and up till the shadow of them shut out the sunshine and i got so bored so madly and bored you see i had tried to believe in him at first in self defence i had done so and stood by him and done my very best to put him through but when i began to understand that there was nothing to stand by or put through that his talent was not talent at all but merely a vain man s longing to possess talent well the situation became pretty bad i tried to be civil i tried to hold my tongue indeed i did but to be and grumbled at and far horizon expected to work so as to give him leisure and means for the development of gifts which didn t exist it wasn t good enough put up her hands and pushed the masses of her hair from her forehead and all the while the shifting lights and shadows played over her white face and bare neck and the horse trotted on past closed shops and windows farther out of london and into the night he didn t do anything which the world calls vicious she continued presently a great had come into the tones of her voice he was faithful to me as the world counts simply because he didn t care for women except for with sentimental who thought him an eighth wonder of the world and over and pitied him la la the mere thought of it makes me sick but he was too much in love with himself to be capable of even an animal passion for anybody else and he made a great point of his virtue i heard a lot about it oh a lot for a minute or two sat silent then she turned to mr smiling as those smile who refuse submission to some cruel pain i wasn t bom bad dear man she said and i held out longer than most women in my profession would where morals are easy and it s lightly come and lightly go in respect of lovers and love but one fine day i packed up my traps and cleared out he d been for years and some little thing he said or did i really forget exactly what raised in me and i thought i d jolly well give him something to about i knew perfectly well he wouldn t divorce me he wanted me too much at the end of a string to torment and to get money from when times were bad not that i cared for a divorce i consider it the invention out for setting wrongs right i have too great a respect for marriage which the far horizon ought if it means anything to mean and children and a clean wholesome start in life for the second generation when a woman breaks away and crosses the lines she only makes bad worse in my opinion by the respectability of a marriage while her husband is still alive let s be honest any way if sin we must again she paused looking backward in thought seeing and hearing things which for the honour of others it was kindest not to repeat the carriage moved slowly the horse its pace in climbing the last steep piece of hill which leads to the pond on heath and now it s over said letting her hands drop in her lap done with the poor wretched thing s dead has killed himself that is a fitting conclusion he was always his own worst enemy well as far as i am concerned let him rest in peace amen responded so let him rest shall not the judge of all the world do right counting his merits as well as his making all just excuses for his and wrong doings knowing as we can never know exactly how far he was and was not for his own and for others sins and now dear friend as you have said this long misery is over and done with whatever remains of practical business you can leave safely to me his memory shall be as far as foresight and sympathy can	32
shield it and your name need not appear the lady of the dust took his hand and held it i don t know she said why all this should all come upon you for a very simple reason he answered what did you tell me yourself you stand first and that is true but it may be remarked in passing that there are limits the far horizon to the passive obedience of even the best trained of those of s coachman had been reached at the top of the hill he drew up vigorously determined to drive no farther into the wilderness without renewed and very distinct information as to why and where he went perceiving which opened the carriage door and stepped out the night is fine and dry he said let us walk a little and then let us drive home you have your work to morrow or rather to day and you must have a reasonable amount of rest first the stream of your life has been arrested diverted from its natural channel but it still runs strong and clear yet you have genius real not imagined so you must husband your energies come and walk let the air soothe and calm you and then leaving all the past in almighty god s safe keeping go home and rest here the high road stretches along the ridge of the hill a giant the broken of the open heath falling away sharply to left and right it was the sky was covered and the atmosphere though not at this height was thick as with smoke so that the road with its long avenue of set lamps in the extreme distance to faintest sparks was as a pale bridge thrown across the void of black space all save the road itself the lamps and seats and broken fringe of grass the raised of it was and vague peopled by shapes dark against darkness such as the eye itself fearfully produces in straining to penetrate obscurity the effect was one of intense of divorce from humanity and the works and ways of it so present and overpowering it might well seem that reaching the far end of that pale bridge the would part company with the things of time altogether and pass into another state of being the far horizon and this so worked upon that some fifty yards along the her black and silver skirts gathered ankle high about her she stopped drawing very close to and laying her hand upon his arm listen to the silence she said look at the i don t quite like it even with you it s too suggestive of death death with no sure hope of life beyond it i am quite good now quite sane and reasonable i have put aside all bitterness i ll never say another hard word of him or in as far as i can think a hard thought then turning suddenly she gave a cry perceiving that east and south all london lay below them too indefinite enormous a city of the plains unseen in detail but indicated through the gloom as a vast semi circle of fire stretched out both arms letting her splendid trail in the dust ah how i love it how i love it she cried let us go back dear man for it belongs to me and i belong to it in the name of my art i must try conclusions with it i must play to it and conquer it and and possess it since i am free at last i am free chapter s manner though gracious was lofty she had indeed lately looked upon crowned heads and the glory of them seemed somehow to have rubbed off on her yes she said i came up for the queen s funeral lady felt it was a thing i ought not to miss and i agreed with her it was inconvenient to leave home because i had a number of engagements still i felt i might regret it afterwards if i did not see it and then of course lady was so kind the year before last when i had so very much to worry me that i feel i owe it to her to stay with her whenever she asks me to do so where did you see the procession from well on the whole i thought it better to remain at home mrs confessed though was most pressing i should go with him you are slender and that makes a great deal of difference in going about but i find crowds and excitement very trying and then it must all have been very affecting and solemn i doubted if i could witness it without giving way too much and troubling others it is to feel you are the pleasure of those that are with you and i wanted poor to enjoy himself as much as he could in that case it was certainly better to remain at home rejoined i have my feelings very much under control even when i was quite a child that used to be said of me it used to has a more impetuous nature mrs observed the day of domestic was happily passed the far horizon she had come into her own again consequently she was disposed to be slightly sitting here upon her own sofa in her own drawing room even with i wonder if she has i mean i wonder whether really has a more impetuous nature the latter rejoined or whether she is only more wanting in self control i often think people get credit for strong feelings when it is only that they make no effort to control themselves and that is unfair i never have been able to see why it was considered so creditable to have strong feelings they usually give a lot of inconvenience to other people	32
i am not sure that it is not self indulgent to have strong feelings we had excellent places just opposite the marble arch of course lady has a great deal of interest and we saw everything in some ways i think as a sight the procession was but i am glad i went you can never tell whether an is worth seeing or not until you have seen it and so i certainly might have regretted if i had not gone still i think you were quite wise in not going if you were likely to be upset and then as you say it must be unpleasant getting about if one is very stout of course i cannot really enter into that i take after mamma s family they are always slender but the often grow stout george of course has and i should not be surprised if did when she is older but then and i are entirely different in almost everything i suppose you have heard of our dear being appointed to the new of mrs remarked the or non of the family figure was beginning tp get upon her nerves oh dear yes of course i have answered with raised eyebrows and a expression of countenance not that it will make very much differ the far horizon ence to me i suppose i am so little at home now but naturally people hearing we knew the came to us for information about them i don t think anybody had ever heard of dr at and so they were very glad to learn anything we could tell them of course it is a very great rise for dr though he will only be a bishop still he must be very much flattered after merely having a parish of this kind is very pleased at the appointment she wrote to dr immediately and has had a number of letters from him i was quite willing she should write but she told him how popular his appointment was in and i thought that was going rather far because has no real means of knowing whether it is popular or not she could only know that she thought she liked it herself and had praised him among her friends and i wonder whether she is right i mean i wonder whether she really will like it of course has been very prominent and has had everything her own way with most of the s wives in i think that has been rather bad for and given her an undue idea of her own importance now naturally mrs will be the head of everything and the s wives will go for advice to her i do not see how can help that and then mrs is said to be a very good public speaker i am perfectly certain will dislike that for i always observe that people who speak a great deal themselves like never get on well with other good she moved a little throwing back the fronts of her black jacket her complimentary mourning was correct and the black silk tie at her throat of course i may be mistaken she added but if you ask me i fancy you will find that and mrs will not remain friends for very long the far horizon i am distressed to hear you express such an opinion mrs returned the tone of mingled patronage and possession in which her guest spoke of her own two particular sacred and her highly she wished she had not introduced the subject of the when the object in view is a truly good one she added with some severity i should suppose all right meaning people would strive to sink petty and i should quite it would prove so in s case of course she would not give mrs s speaking well as her reason if they did not remain on friendly terms returned but then people so very seldom give their real reasons for what they do surely you must have observed that i think they are generally very willing to deceive themselves a good deal i am afraid it is so with too many and with some who would be the last to own it when applied to themselves then the wife determined by a piece of daring to carry the war into the enemy s country and that reminds me she said i suppose you have heard that mr has left s green i do not the least know what right you have to suppose anything of the kind the lady addressed replied with a haste and far from you must have very odd ideas of the people i meet either at lady s or at if you imagine i am likely to hear anything about mr from them if i had not met him here of course i should never have heard of him at all and if i had never heard of him i should have been spared a great deal still after all that has occurred i can quiet see that mr might find it better to leave s green the far horizon miss if you please ma am this from the house in accordance with established precedent should have risen from the place of honour upon the sofa making room for the but she defied precedent acknowledging the said with the of bows she sat tight her hostess however proved equal to the occasion dear me miss she began i am sure you are quite the stranger take that chair will you not and how is mrs the numbers i trust filling up again at lodge mr and myself did truly in mrs s trouble in the autumn such a terrible occurrence to have in your house of course very for a time to all prospects and i shall always believe it was the great exertions he made then that broke	32
down poor mr health yes indeed miss i regret to say he does remain very mr sees him almost daily he has run round to holland street now has but i expect him back any minute we were just speaking of mr were we not and i was about to tell miss what a sweet pretty house he has you have seen it often no doubt miss but here arose with much dignity and retired in the direction of the window pray do not think about me she said over her shoulder or let me interrupt your and your friend s conversation i am going to see if the carriage is here lady said she might be able to send it for me she could not be sure but she might and i told her i would be on the watch as she objects to the horses being kept standing in this weather but pray do not think about me until it comes i can quite well amuse myself holding aside the lace curtain she looked out upon the far horizon the green grass of snow lay in patches while the bare branches of the and shuddered in the harsh blast the prospect was far from and surveyed it with a eye really s behaviour to me is most extraordinary she said to herself i had to mark my displeasure for poor george s sake she ought not to be allowed to go too far she has grown so very self last year her manner was much better i suppose she and have made it up again people who are not really ladies like are always so very much when they are depressed i wonder what has happened to make george make it up with her and then she fell very furiously to listening we did talk it over did and myself the great was saying for i do not deny at the time of our trouble a certain gentleman came out very well he may have had his reasons but i will not go into that mrs i am all for giving everybody his due but felt when he left it would be better the connection should cease as far as visiting went should mr call here dear she said to me i should not refuse to see him but after what has passed and situated as i am i cannot be too careful and calling on a bachelor living privately with whom your name has been at all associated must invite comment throughout all she said my conscience tells me i have done my duty and in that i must find my reward very affecting was it not yes the other lady admitted and natural goodness of heart getting the better alike of resentment and i always have maintained there were many sterling qualities in mrs so there are the sweet pet responded warmly the far horizon and i sometimes question mrs whether a certain gentleman now that he has cut himself adrift from her may not be beginning to find that out and wish he had been less stand and stony not that it would be any use now for if he did not appreciate there are other and younger gentlemen not a thousand miles from here who do i am not at liberty to speak more plainly at present as the poor young fellow is very shy about his secret a long attachment and some might think it rather to s position to entertain it but tell which way the wind blows and a little bird seems to to me mrs that if did come to the point why miss shook her mane and laid her finger on her lip in an arch and playful manner but before her hostess could rally sufficiently from the stupor into which this announcement plunged her to make suitable a fine voice and large presence invaded the room how d ye do mrs i come but not i met with your good husband in the street just now and he encouraged me to look in on you good day to you miss all is well i trust with our excellent friend mrs ah and here is miss an unexpected piece of good fortune promptly had emerged from her self imposed exile and it was with an air of assured that she greeted the clergyman mrs heard from your kind sister only this morning he continued full of active as usual mrs she that we should quarter ourselves upon you and her for a few days miss while we are seeking a temporary residence she the far horizon kindly gives us the names of several houses which she considers worth inspection here by an flank movement rapidly executed managed to possess herself once again of the seat of honour upon the sofa thereby a thin but impenetrable barrier between her hostess and the latter s own particular the bishop you have enough room i do not crowd you she remarked then turning sideways so as to present an expanse of neatly clad back and shoulder to her outraged relative she continued i wonder which dr i mean i wonder which houses has recommended of course there is the but nobody has lived in it for ages and ages it is in a very low neighbourhood close to the canal and on the road i should think it was dreadfully damp and and there is old mrs s in park that is well situated and the grounds are rather nice but the reception rooms are poor i always think was fond of mrs i cannot say i ever cared for her myself but there is a tower to it of course ah we hardly need towers yet miss a suffering bishop you recall the well worn joke such as myself must not to anything approaching castles or palaces but	32
be content with a very modest place of residence here his unhappy hostess sitting quite near the edge of the sofa round the barrier but that is only a matter of time dr she said surely there is but one voice all round the green and through the parish generally that this is but the first step for you and that it will lead on though i am far from wishing to hasten the death of the present to the the far horizon hardly that hardly that he rejoined with becoming modesty yet the speech was not to him out of the mouth of he said to himself leaning back in his chair and in imagination the outline of an apron and well cut black while visions of and floated before him hardly that this is little more than an still though it is a to leave my dear old congregation here in this wonderful london of ours i cannot refuse the call to a wider sphere of usefulness my views as a are well known i have never even though it might have been advantageous to me to do so attempted any concealment no truly put in still and i am sure must bear witness you have always been most nobly i trust so he returned i have never disguised the fact that i take my stand upon the settlement therefore i cannot but think it a most hopeful sign of the times that i should receive this call tp the ah here is you find us deep in matters i only hope i am not your ladies patience too heavily by talking on such serious subjects in itself that grand old the late dr a positively figure has left a sound tradition but i hear your good sister the rumour miss that there is a strong party at i shall deal very with persons of that persuasion my conviction is that we must suit our teaching to the spirit of this modem world of ours personally i am willing if necessary to sacrifice very much so called to our worthy brethren while i shall lose no opportunity of cutting at the roots of those the far horizon tendencies which are so and active in the very heart of our dear old national church while the great drum like voice was thus rolling and george had shaken hands with but there was none of the accustomed respectful enthusiasm in his greeting he wore a and dejected air for once he looked upon that pearl of with a lack lustre and indifferent eye i wonder what can have happened to george the lady in question said to herself in high displeasure i think his manner is really very odd nearly as odd as s i wish i had not come but then if i had not come i should have had no opportunity of showing what intimate terms and i are upon with the and i think it is right she should know oh that detestable miss is going what a dreadfully vulgar purple she has on and her hair is so unpleasant it always looks damp and shows the marks of the comb i wonder why hair of that particular colour always does look damp here she bowed without rising i shall simply george and not speak to him i think that will be sufficiently marked but i shall stay as long as dr does i don t for one moment believe really intended to send the carriage so i will just wait and go when he goes i think i owe it to myself to show george and that they cannot drive me away against my will however much they may wish to do so having come to which amiable decision turned her mind and conversation to questions of house hunting in the subject however began to pall before long upon her companion dr changed his position more than once his replies became vague and while his attention evidently strayed to the far horizon the conversation taking place at the other end of the sofa i fear you did not find mr very bright then to day the wife was inquiring in her tones george shook his head sadly no my dear i am sorry to say not i have been rather broken up i will tell you all later the clergyman had risen ah yes he said i remember meeting a person of that name here once eh one of our unfortunately he proved to be a his appearance pleased me and i proposed to call on him and then in the press of my many duties the matter was forgotten had risen likewise a spot of colour burned on either of her cheeks her eyes snapped she carried her small head high her presence asserted itself quite forcibly her skirts at that moment she was young and very pretty an elegant spirited of eighteen rather than a and alas of close upon fifty oh really i think it was just as well you did not call dr she cried i do not think it would have been in the least suitable of course i may be wrong but i do not think you would have found anything to like in mr there was so much that was never really explained about him you know you acknowledged that yourself at one time but now you and george seem to have gone round again completely one cannot help knowing he associated with such very odd people and then the way in which he turned roman catholic all of a sudden really was disgraceful dr s cold watchful glance on to the speaker then travelled to the two other members of the little company in sharp inquiry george s the far horizon innocent countenance bore an expression of entreaty of	32
stillness this alert tranquillity had been more or less sensible to all those who entered the house offering an contrast to the rush and of london without but to day the impression was no longer an and fugitive one as heretofore it was constant and complete those spiritual being as it would seem in full possession so that the hours appeared to move reluctantly and as though a and economy even in prevailing repose lest any remaining moment and the message of it should be overlooked and lost it was characteristic of that learning in as far as the doctors could it the exact conditions of his physical state he should refuse all experiment however humane in intention or plausible in theory for he had no sympathy with the modem and worship of physical life which is willing to sacrifice the and of it to its possible courteously but plainly he bade his depart the body though an excellent servant is a contemptible master and proposed that while his soul continued to it it should as always before be kept very much in its place it must remain obedient not daring to in its present hour of failure and an interest and consideration to which in its full usefulness and vigour it had not presumed to therefore held calmly on his way seeing the circle of his occupations pleasures and and yet maintaining not only his serenity of mind but his accustomed self respecting outward re the far horizon of bearing and habit to meet death with a gracious well dressed and standing upright is rightly considered a very fine art reflecting much credit upon the successful professor of it and it was thus that on the day in question mr sat waiting in the quaint shaped of the old house in holland street himself the centre of that peopled stillness that alert tranquillity which so strangely and sensibly filled it looking out of the low window he could see the shadow of the houses shrink and the light in the little garden below as the sun travelled westward looking into the room itself the many familiar objects and rich sober colours of it quickened by a flickering of fire light were pleasant to his sense the images which passed before him whether actually visible or not he hardly knew appeared beautiful words and phrases which occurred to him were beautiful likewise but all were seen and heard as through some softly dazzling medium which while the charm of them produced a delicate confusion leaving him uncertain whether he really slept or woke more than once not without effort he roused himself but only to slip back again into the same state of fair yet gently dis vision at last the sound of opening in the underneath and of a voice touched with laughter reached him there you take exercise catch birds improve your figures cried clapping her hands as she stood at the head of the flight of iron steps which with her foot she shot the toy into the sunny garden below the little creatures their freedom forgetful for once of their languid airs away the far horizon and in the fashion about the grass and flower beds the window closed again and there followed a sound of voices inter on s part low and continuous on that of mrs the housekeeper then a pause so prolonged that who had rallied all his energy and prepared to rise and to go forward to meet his guest sank away once more into which neither actually sleeps or wakes when he came fully to himself was sitting on the low window seat close beside him her back was to the light and his sight was somewhat clouded so that at first he failed to see her clearly but he knew that her mood had changed and her laughter departed through the sympathy of her touch she holding his hand as it lay along the arm of the chair he would have spoken but she stopped him no dear man don t hurry she said i know already has just told me now downstairs that you received the last this morning that s why i didn t come up sooner i couldn t see you directly somehow i had well i had to get my second wind dearly beloved so to speak you see it s such a heavenly day that i couldn t help feeling happier about you i had persuaded myself those doctors were a pack of old whose wisdom had in a wild mistake and that given time and summer weather you would be better again you know you have had and downs lots of times before and that then when the theatre and i have my holiday i d carry you off somewhere anywhere back to your own fierce passionate spain perhaps and nurse and and care for you till living grew so pretty a business you really wouldn t have the conscience to quit s voice was sweet with caressing tones sympathetic in quality as her lingering touch the far horizon haven t you perhaps been a little premature after all she said has it really and truly come to that t you have put off those last grim ceremonies a trifle longer and let them wait they are not grim dearest friend but full of strong consolation answered smiling he began to see her face more clearly her expression was tragic a world of anguish in it for all the restraint of her manner and playful of her speech nor in any case he added can they hasten the event i m not altogether sure of that declared i could not quite trust myself as to what the day might bring forth continued in point of fact i have gained strength as it has gone on and so it seemed wisest and most fitting to ask for the performance of	32
those sacred rites while i was still of sound mind and ready in my perception of that in which i was taking part you have suffered said nothing the nights are somewhat wearisome since i cannot lie down in ordinary fashion to rest but i sit here or wander through the quiet kindly house enough and i am well cared for have no fear as to that is a faithful creature she nursed my mother at the last and her presence is grateful to me for association s sake straightened himself up there there he said do not be too sad the road is not such a very hard one to tread the last few months have been the happiest i remember since my childhood any anxieties i felt concerning you are set at rest you are famous and will be more famous yet and i know i shall live in your remembrance while you live it is no slight thing after all for a man to have been loved so well the far horizon by the two women whom he loved and for the rest dearest friend as one draws near to the edge of the great shadow which we call death one begins to trust more and fuss less looking to the next step only so that one may take it neither with faltering nor with haste ah cried that s all very well for you but where do i come in i lose you smiled lifting his shoulders slightly and raising his hands yes he said it seems that sorrow here on earth is always sooner or later the of love why i know not but so it is as the most sacred and august of all examples only let us be thankful you and i that to us this parting and the inevitable pain of it comes while love is still in its full strength having endured nothing unworthy no shame or or the more bitter the the finer the memory and the more desirable the meeting which lies ahead however far distant in time it may be and in of condition yes dear man yes i dare say no doubt answered only i can t rise to these philosophic heights i m right here don t you see my feet well on the floor planted in brutal commonplace i shall want you just simply i shall want you and you won t be there and i shall be most cut throat horribly lonely and sad but looking at you still i don t believe it i won t believe it i shall keep you a long while yet she leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek now i must go she said if i m to get any dinner before the theatre i would have liked to stay and put my poor little on so as to give her a chance she s a nice little girl not half stupid and really keen to learn and to work but i can t i m in honour bound to appear to night you see it s our second century the the far horizon first one we could not observe because it came at the end of january just in the general so there s an awful to do and to night and i don t know what all also a rather extra special audience it would be little too bad if i played them f but she added rising when it s over i shall come back yes i will i will i tell you don t flatter yourself you can prevent me beloved lunatic for you jolly well can t i shall come back directly the performance is over and watch with you through the bad hours till the dawn had risen too he crossed the room going to the door and holding it open for her then stand ing on the little landing he watched her as she went down the narrow crooked stairs and so doing it came to him with a movement of and of satisfied pride how very fully in the past six months the lady of the dust had and fulfilled all the finer promise of her complex nature just as her figure had retaining its admirable proportions and while gaining in distinction and dignity her mind had likewise her splendid was no longer that of naughty dare devil audacity but of secure position and recognised success indeed she had grown into a somewhat imperial creature for whom the world and rightly is very willing to make place at the bottom of the flight paused looking up and kissing her hand till to night she cried now i go to herd those two small miseries w o and take most precious care of yourself until i come back dear man good bye and keep you till to night mr crossed the drawing room glad at heart erect and stately as in the fulness of health for a minute or so he stood looking out into the garden at the stone the far horizon basin full to the lip in which the relieved of the presence of the toy washed with much fluttering of wings and at the flowers beginning to close their delicate blossoms as the sun declined towards its setting in the gold and grey of the west in the recovered stillness those same spiritual rare apprehensions exquisite memories mysterious invitations once again obtained possession coming forth passing lightly to and fro filling all the place in aspect and sentiment they were all having gone from out them they telling of fair things only of human relations unbroken by treachery or self seeking by lust telling too of endeavour faithfully to travel the road which leads to the far horizon touched by the glory of the light but presently became aware that he was very very	32
and it is i presume not an unnatural desire on my part that such should when reading my books at least have the advantage of reading them as they were originally written with regard to the present story which i trust may help to rouse public attention to a evil which is gradually spreading over all the european continent i believe most intelligent americans who have visited paris will read it with more or less anxious interest it was i think a distinguished american who quite recently wrote a long and practical account of mischief wrought by the poison whose dire effects on one individual i have attempted to and if one or two more leaders among think special preface ix ers and would raise their voices to aid in this fatal brain degradation and bringing it well before the consideration of those who are the heads of authority in france it might be checked in its destructive progress and with a little earnest and decisive work be stamped out altogether as a disease is stamped out by perfect in this hope i have written in this spirit i trust it may be received london october note the unhappy hero of the following is presented to english readers not as an example of what is tragic and uncommon but simply as a very ordinary type of a large and ever increasing class men such as are to be met with every day in paris and not only in paris but in every part of the continent where the curse which forms the subject of this story has an sort of sway the of the modern french mind is well known and universally admitted even by the french themselves the open heart and of the whole modern french school of thought is if a crime of more than usual cold blooded is committed it generally dates from paris or near it if a book or a picture is produced that is the author or artist is in nine cases out of ten discovered to be a j frenchman the shop windows and of paris are of themselves sufficient witnesses of the na taste in art and literature a national taste for vice and vulgarity which cannot be too sincerely and there are no doubt many causes for the low standard xii note of moral responsibility and fine feeling ed by the of to day but i do not hesitate to say that one of those causes is undoubtedly the reckless which all classes rich and poor alike every one knows that in paris the men have certain hours set apart for the indulgence of this fatal as as have their hours for prayer and in a very short time the love of the hideous poison so closely to their blood and system that it becomes an absolute necessity of existence the effects of its rapid working on the human brain are beyond all imagination horrible and and no can the terrific reality of the evil if any of my readers are disposed to doubt the possibility of the incidents in my story or to the details exaggerated let such make due inquiries of any leading member of the french medical faculty as to the actual meaning of and the measured statement of the physician will seem than the wildest tragedy moreover it is not as if this dreadful frenzy affected a few individuals merely it has crept into the brain of france as a nation and there perpetual mischief and from france it has spread and is still spreading over the entire continent of europe it must also be remembered that in the many french and which have recently sprung up in london is always to be obtained at its customary low price french habits french fashions french books french pictures are particularly favoured by the english and who can that french drinking shall t note xiii not also become a la mode in britain particularly at a period when our medical men are bound to admit that the love of is fast almost a with hundreds of english women in the present story i have as i say selected a merely ordinary type there are of course infinitely worse examples who have not even the shadow of a love disappointment to excuse them for their all i ask of my readers and critics is that they will kindly refrain from setting down my hero s opinions on men and things to me personally as they were unwise enough to do in the case of a previous novel of mine entitled i when an author a character he is not of necessity that character himself it would have been somewhat unfair to for example to have endowed him when a living man with the extraordinary ideas and outrageous principles of his artistic creation i have nothing whatever to do with the wretched beyond the of him in his own necessarily lurid colours while for the description of the low class in paris i am in a great measure indebted to a very english who by his dress was evidently of some religious persuasion and whom i overheard talking to a younger man on board a steamer going from to it was evidently the worthy creature s first trip abroad he had visited the french capital and he detailed to his friend a very individual certain of his most lively experiences there i sitting close by in a corner unobserved listened with a xi v y note a good deal of surprise as well as amusement to his enthusiastic y of the can can as he had seen it danced in some peculiar haunt of questionable entertainment and i took calm note thereof for literary use hereafter the most delicate feelings can hardly be ruffled by an honest and pious s and as i have included these	33
in my story i beg to tender my thanks to the unknown individual who so unconsciously furnished me with a glowing description of what i have never seen and never wish to see for the rest my drama is a true phase of the modern life of paris one scene out of the countless that take place every day and everywhere in these our present times there is no necessity to invent the need never torture his brain for stories either of adventure or horror life itself as it is lived among ourselves in all countries is so amazing swift varied wonderful terrible ghastly beautiful dreadful and withal so wildly inconsistent and that desires to write has only to closely and patiently observe men and women as they are not as they seem and then take pen in hand and write the truth lake september les de paris du vice qui nt la et le de r v and the name of the star is called worm wood and the third part of the waters became and many men died of the waters because they were made bitter revelation viii et le de et la des en et un grand d revelation viii testament l silence silence it is the hour of the deepest hush of night the invisible clouds of sleep brood over the brilliant city sleep what is it forgetfulness a sweet of rest aye it must be so if i remember rightly but i cannot be quite sure for it seems a century since i slept well but what of that does any one sleep well nowadays save children and hard worked of the soil we who think oh the and of this perpetual thought we have no space or time wherein to slumber between the small hours of midnight and morning we rest on our pillows for mere sake and and dream but we do not sleep let me consider what am i doing here so late why am i not at home why do i stand alone on this bridge gazing down into the cold sparkling water of the water that to my mind a glittering glass screen through which i see faces peering up at me white and aghast with a frozen wonder how they stare how they smile all those drowned women and some are beautiful all are mournful i am not sorry for them no but i am sure they must have died with half their un i spoken to look so wildly even in death is it my f or do tlie want something of me i feel impelled towards them they draw me downwards by a deadly fascination i must go on or else with a violent effort i tear myself away and leaving the bridge i wander slowly homeward the city sleeps did i say oh no paris is not so clean of conscience or so pure of heart that its inhabitants should compose themselves to rest simply because it is midnight there are hosts of people about and stirring rich for instance whose names are on the lists of honour and la can be met at every turn abroad like beasts in search of prey there are the painted and who draw their silken skirts scornfully aside from any chance of contact with the soiled and ragged garments worn by the wretched and starving members of the same deplorable and every now and again the flashing of lamps in a passing carriage containing some princess of the the of the fact that however soundly virtue may slumber vice is awake and but what am i that i should talk of vice or virtue what business has a wreck cast on the shores of ruin to concern itself with the distant sailing of the gaudy ships bound for the same disastrous end how mj brain i the hot my tired feet and the round white moon looks at me from the sky like the foolish ghost of herself in a dream street after street i pass scarcely conscious of sight or sense i hardly know whither i am bound and it is by mere mechanical instinct alone that i finally reach my destination home at last i recognize the dim and dirty the miserable lodging house in which of all the wretched rooms it holds the is the garret i call mine that gaunt cat is always on the always tearing some horrible she has found with claws and teeth yet savage as hunger has made her she is afraid of me and bounds stealthily aside and away as i cross the threshold two men mj drunken landlord and his no less drunken brother are quarrelling furiously in the passage i shrink past them unobserved and make my way up the dark staircase to my narrow den where on entering i lock myself in eager to be alone alone alone always alone i approach the window and fling it wide open i rest my arms on the sill and look out at the vast deep star heaven they were cruel to me to night at the particularly that young curly haired student who is he and what is he i hate him i know not why except that he reminds me of one who is dead do not drink that he said gravely touching the glass i held it will drive you mad some day drive me mad good very good that is what a great many people have told me all who is mad and who is sane it is not easy to decide the world has various ways of insanity in different individuals the genius who has grand ideas and fancies he can realize them is mad the priest who like saint sacrifices himself for others is mad the hero who like the english at his post instead of running away	33
patriotism and to speak frankly i would rather drown like a dog in the than undergo the troublesome of war i was not always so ent i confess i came to it by degrees as others have done and as others are doing who live as i live i tell you there are hundreds of men in paris to day who are quite as on the of national honour or disgrace as i am who thanks to the pale green draught we drain in our night after night with zest and never craving have nigh forgotten their country s bitter defeat or if they have not forgotten have certainly ceased to care true they talk we all talk of taking the and just as children of their toy castles and tin soldiers but we are not in earnest no no i not we we are wise in our generation we life is so worthless that we grudge making any sort of exertion to it and it is probable that if the enemy were at our very doors we should scarcely stir a finger to attack do the know this i wonder very likely and knowing it bide their time but let them come why not one authority is as good as another to me at any rate for i have no prejudices and no principles the whole wide earth is the same to me a mere grave to bury nations in well i have done many strange things in my day and what i choose to do now is perhaps the strangest of all to write the history of my life and thought to strip my soul naked as it were to the wind of the world s contempt world s contempt a the world can have no more contempt for me than i have contempt for the world dear people of paris you want do you not in art in literature in everything you and dancing on the edge of your own for the time is coming fast when france will no more be accounted a nation you want to look at the worms and poisonous that attend your own and decay you want life of all poetical that you may see it as it truly is f well so you shall as far as i am concerned i will hide nothing from you i will tear out the very of my being and lay them on your modern table nay i will even assist you in the work of the mental like you i hate all and sublime ideal things we need them as little or as much as we need god perhaps it is not often that you chance upon a human subject who is entirely a creature in whose nerves you can thrust j our steel hooks of without his uttering so much as a smothered sob of pain a being hard as flint as and totally to past present or future misery yet i am such an one perchance you ma find me a strange even an interesting study i consider me well i my heart has turned to stone my brain to fire i am conscious of no emotion whatever save an all devouring dreadful curiosity curiosity to know dark things forbidden to all but things that society afraid of its own wickedness hastily covers up and hides from the light of day feebly pretending they have no existence things that make weak souls shudder and cry and w with their god in useless prayer these are the things i love the things i drag out from the obscure comers and recesses of life and examine and upon till i have learnt from them all they can teach me but i never know enough search as i may into the details of our complex being there is always something that escapes me some link i lose some clue that i fancy might explain much that seems incomprehensible i suppose others have missed this little something also and that may be the reason why they have found it necessary to invent a god but enough i am here to confess myself not as a conscience stricken penitent to a priest but as a man may confess himself to his let human nature judge me i am too proud to make appeal to an already i have passed judgment on myself what can you say for or against me o world that will alter or strengthen my own self wrought condemnation and doom i have lived fast what then is it not the way to die quickly il it is a familiar business to me this taking up of the pen and writing down of thought long ago when i was quite a young man i used to and stray articles for the paris papers and gain a few extra thereby once too i wrote a novel very high flown in style and full of romantic sentiment it was about a girl all innocence and a man all who were interrupted in the progress of their by the usual sort of villain so useful to the authors of i saw the book for sale at a stall near the the other day and should probably have bought it for mere idle curiosity s sake but that it cost two and i could not spare the money i stood and looked at it instead thinking how droll it was that i should ever have written it and little by little i began to remember what i had been like at that time the portrait of myself emerged out of the grey mist that always more or less my vision and i saw my face as it had appeared in youth clear dark eyed and smiling such a face as may be seen more frequently in or southern italy than	33
in the streets of paris a face that many were enough to call handsome and that assuredly y none would have been deemed positively ill looking there was a promising intelligence i believe in my a certain earnestness and animation that led my over sanguine relatives and friends to expect wonders of me a few expressing their firm and foolish conviction that i should be a great man some day great i i laugh to think of it i can see my own features as i write in a cracked and mirror opposite i note the dim and sunken eyes the skin the hair a reflection truly i might be sixty from my looks yet i am barely forty hard living well no not what the practised would understand by that term i do not frequent places of amusement i am not the boon companion of dancers and i am too poor for that sort of inasmuch as i can seldom afford to dine yet i might have been rich i might have been respectable i might even have been famous imagine it for i know i once had a few of the swift lightning called genius in me and that my thoughts were not precisely like those of men and women but chance was against me chance or fate both terms are let none talk to me of opposing one s self to fate that is simply impossible fight as we may we cannot alter an evil destiny or reverse a lucky one resist temptation cry the very good but suppose you cannot resist suppose you see no object whatever in making resistance for example point out to me if you can what use it would be to any one living that i should reform my ways not a soul would care i should starve on just as i starve now only without any sort of comfort i should seek help work and find none and i should perish in the end just as surely and as as i shall perish now we know how the honest poor are treated in this best of worlds pushed to the wall and trampled upon to make room for the rich to ride by we also know what the much of rewards of virtue are the thanks and reluctant praise of a few obscure individuals who make haste to forget you as soon as ou are dead think you that such reward is worth the trouble of winning in the present advanced condition of things it is really all one whether we are virtuous or vicious for who cares very much about morality in this age morality has always seemed to me such an term i asked my father to define it once and he answered me thus morality is a full and sensible recognition of the of one s being and a steadfast obedience to the laws of god and one s country exactly but how does this definition work when by the merest chance you discover that you have no actual and that it does not matter in the least what becomes of you again that the laws of god and country are drawn up after much violent dispute and petty by a few human individuals nearly if not quite as capricious and unreasonable as yourself what of morality then does it not resolve itself into a like the creed the churches live by a i say to such fair seeming shows of good in a world which is evil to its very core let us know ourselves truly for what we are let us not deceive our minds with of what we cannot be we are mere animals we shall never be angels neither here nor hereafter as for me i have done with love friendship ambition fame in past days it is true i set some store by these airy these visions but now now they count to me as naught i possess a dearer joy more real more lasting than they all would j ou learn what thing it is that holds me wretched as i seem to life what link my frail body and soul together and why with no friends and no fortune i still contrive to beat back death as long as possible would you know the sin craving of my blood the craving that burns in me more fiercely than hunger in a starving beast of the one desire to gratify which i would desperately dare and defy all men listen then a bitter sweet like the last kiss on the lips of a discarded mistress is the secret charm of my existence green as the moon s light on a forest pool it in my glass eagerly i it and as i drink i dream not of foolish things no not of dull saints and smooth in heaven and wearisome maids but of glittering in a dance of hell flashing torrents and dazzling mountain peaks of storm and terror of lightning and rain of horses galloping of flags flying of armies marching of haste and uproar and confusion and death aye even at i have heard the trumpets on the field of battle and the shout ia i la echoing wildly in my ears and i have deep in the blood of our enemies and back from their grasp ah fool that i am what i again i torture myself with absurd did i not but lately say i loved france no longer france i do i not love thee not now oh not now let my words be accepted concerning thee not now but later on when this heavy weight is lifted from m heart when this hot is in my brain when the bonds of living are cut asunder and i wander released a shadow among shades then it may be i shall find	33
place obstacles in the way of our intercourse because and as he was he understood the practical side of life as well if not better than any shrewd republican going he knew that my father was rich and that i was his only heir and he laid his plans accordingly he was like all french fathers yet why should i french fathers so particularly english fathers are the same all fathers of all nations nowadays look to the practical utility advantages of marriage for their children and quite right too one cannot live on air of sentiment de was not a shy girl but by this i do not mean it to be in the least imagined that she was bold on the contrary she had merely that quick brightness and which is the happy of so many none of whom think it necessary to practise or assume the chilly not and which makes the young english such a tame and tiresome companion to men of sense and humour she was soon perfectly at her ease with me and became prettily and confidential telling me stories of her life at describing the loveliness of the scenery on lake and drawing word portraits of her teachers and with a and point that brought them at once before the mind s eye as though they were actually present we sat together for some time on a window seat from which we could command a charming little glimpse of the de for m de would not live far away from this his favorite in all and talked of things particularly of life in paris and the that were foretold for the approaching winter season balls theatres all such as these this of the looked forward to with singular vivacity and it was only after she had sweetly about fashion and society for several minutes that she suddenly turned upon me with a brilliant penetrating glance of her dark blue eyes a glance such as i afterwards found out was common to her but which then startled me as much as an unexpected flash of lightning might have done and said and you what are you going to do how do you amuse yourself i work ah yes you are in your father s business i am his partner you have difficult things to think about you labour the day i laughed she looked so compassionate no not all the day but for several hours of it we are you know and the taking charge of other people s money is a very serious business oh that i can quite imagine but you must rest sometimes you must visit your friends and be gay is it not so assuredly but perhaps i do not take my rest precisely like other people i read a great deal and i write also occasionally books she exclaimed her lovely eyes opening wide with eager interest you write books i have written one or two i admitted modestly oh do tell me the titles of them she entreated i shall be so interested i i read every story i can get hold of especially love stories you know i love stories i always cry over them and here our conversation was abruptly broken off madame la de a dignified dame clad in richest black silk with diamonds gleaming here and there upon her handsome person sailed up to us from a remote corner of the room where she had no doubt been watching us with the observation of the match making matron and said my child the de desires the honour of taking you in to supper will have the to escort your cousin my niece st and thereupon she presented me to a pale serious looking girl who merely acknowledged my formal salute by the slightest perceptible bend of her head and whom i scarcely glanced at so great was my to see the fascinating carried off on the arm of de a battered beau of sixty as a bear and wrinkled as old i suppose my vexation was distinctly visible in my face for madame de smiled a little as she saw me march past her into the supper room without to say a word to my pale partner whom i considered at the moment positively ugly to my comfort however i found seated next to me at table and i made amends for my previous disappointment by conversing with her all the time to the complete and discomfiture of old de not that he really cared i think seeing he was so entirely absorbed in eating we talked of books and pictures i sought and obtained the permission to send her two of my own literary productions the two which i myself judged as my best efforts one a critical study of alfred de the other the high flown sentimental novel before mentioned which at that time had only just been published i spoke to her of the great in the musical world of the of of of the child then down from the of music to the lower level of the art i described to her the various qualities of talent displayed by the several actors and who were among the most popular of the passing hour and so we on happily engrossed with one another and forgetful of all else as for the pale cousin whose name i afterwards learned was i never gave her a second thought she sat on the other side of me and that was all i knew of her then but afterwards no matter she is dead quite dead and i only dream i see her the hours fled by on golden wings and before that evening ended before i pressed her two small white hands in my own at parting i felt that i loved de loved her as i should never love any other	33
woman an overwhelming passion seized me i was no longer master of my own destiny was my fate what was her fascination how was it that she a girl fresh from school a mere baby in thought fond of bon and foolish trifles should suddenly my soul by surprise and and it utterly i cannot tell put the question to the and who explain everything and they will answer you she was beautiful that i can positively affirm for i have studied every detail of her loveliness as few could have done and i suppose her beauty me men never fall in love at first with a woman s mind only with her body they may learn to admire the mind afterwards if it prove worth admiration but it is always a secondary thing this may be called a rough truth but it is true for all that who a woman of intellect by choice no one and if some unhappy man does it by accident he generally regrets it a stupid beauty is the most comfortable sort of housekeeper going believe me she will be strict with the children the servants and make herself look as ornamental as she can till age and fat render ornament superfluous but a woman of genius with that strange subtle attraction about her which is yet not actual beauty she is the person to be avoided if you would have peace if you would escape reproach if you would the fixed and melancholy of a pair of eyes haunting you in the night eyes such i see always always and wonder at eyes full of tears will those tears never fall large soft serious eyes like those of s pale cousin iii may as well speak of this woman se st before i go on any further i say this woman i could never call her a girl though she was young enough only twenty but she was so pale and quiet and so concentrated within the mystic circle of her own thoughts that she never seemed to me like others of her sex and age at first i took a strong dislike to her she had such fair bright hair and i hated golden haired women i suppose this was because writers poets especially have sung their praises of golden hair till the world is wearied and also because so many females of the have their coarse to such hideous straw tints in order to be in accordance with the prevailing fashion and sentiment however the abundant locks of were in their way of a hue a singularly pale gold brightening here and there into of close to the smooth of her neck where they grew in soft small curls like the delicate under a young bird s wing i often caught myself staring at these little warm rings of sun color on the whiteness of her skin when she sat in a window comer apart from myself and reading some great volume of history or poetry entirely absorbed and apparently unconscious of our presence her uncle told me she was a wonderful scholar that she had in her head and all the poets in her heart i remember i thought at the time that he was her gifts out of mere affectionate for i never quite believed in woman s real for learn ing i could quite understand a certain surface brilliancy of in the female mind but i would never admit that such knowledge went deep enough to last i was mistaken of course since then i have realized that a woman s genius if great and true equals and often that of the most gifted man i used however to look upon st with a certain condescension only allowing her in my opinion to be about one degree in advance beyond the ordinary feminine intelligence i had as i said a vague dislike to her which was not lessened when after reading my novel the novel i was so proud of having written she smiled at the woes of my sentimental heroine and told me very gently that i did not yet understand women not understand women i i a bom and bred of five and twenty i absurd now adored my book she read and it many times and i gave her much more credit for good taste in literature than the pale who was forever over and i could not understand s almost passionate reverence for this quiet sad eyed cousin of hers never were two creatures more utterly opposed to each other in character and sentiment but strange to say love for seemed the one really serious part of s nature while s affection for her though not so openly displayed was evidently strong and deeply rooted st was poor so i understood her parents resided in some obscure town in y and had hard work to keep a decent roof above their heads for which reason the de had undertaken the care of this eldest girl of her brother s family promising to do her best for her and if possible to marry her well but showed no inclination for marriage she was dull and in the company of men and m seemed bored by their conversation rather than pleased nevertheless she possessed her own fascination what it was i never could see not then a fascination sufficient to win the devoted attachment of both her aunt and uncle to whom she became a positive necessity in the household i soon found out that nothing was done without being first consulted that in any domestic difficulty or everybody washed their hands of trouble and transferred it to that when her uncle to gratify his extreme love of fresh air and exercise into the every morning at six o clock she rode with him on a spirited mare that the	33
i would not wish to blame my good sister for the world but i think i think she has been a little hasty in this matter she has given me no chance of refusal not that i could have refused her but i might have arranged better had more time been given me however i suppose i must do my utmost for the boy here he broke off and rubbed his nose what is he like this nephew of yours i put in suddenly have you any idea truly not much he replied thoughtfully i never saw him but once and then he was only three years old a fine child if i remember rightly if one is to believe in his mother s description of him but that of course cannot be done he is an intellectual marvel a positive of good looks and wisdom combined there never was such a j bom into this planet before according to her account poor dear soul ah i good mothers are all alike god has made their hearts the tenderest in the world my father sighed a little i knew he was thinking of the dead of his fair lost love with whom had perished all mother s tenderness for me at any rate he rose knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it b then looked round with a smile at the still perplexed and musing cure come mon he said cheerfully i know what you want as well as possible you want me to go around with you and help smooth this affair over with your old is it not so speak truly ah mon ami cried poor m rising from his chair in an if you would but do me this favour she will listen to you she has the admiration for you and she will understand reason from your lips you really will accompany me ah what it is to have so excellent a friend i shall owe you a thousand obligations for this kindness there will no longer be any difficulty and i shall be once more at ease but you are sure it is no trouble while he thus spoke my father had stepped into the hall and put on his coat and hat and he now stood equipped for walking his form and refined rather melancholy face offering a great contrast to the round figure and plump clean shaven countenance of the d little cure he said we will start before it grows any later and take madame by surprise she is in love with me that old of thine i warn thee that she has designs upon me she will need one of thy after mass next sunday for i will so her with compliments on her house management and on the excellent way in which she will certainly purpose attending to thy nephew that she will almost believe herself to be young and once more he laughed so did the cure and they prepared to leave the house together i accompanied them to the street door and on the threshold my father turned round to me saying amuse well art thou going to see the pretty this evening the hot colour to my brows but i made a pretence of indifference and answered in the negative ah well one night more or less in the week will not make much difference to thy feelings or to hers see what a bright moon thou play with real scenery is there no balcony to thy s window and with this sort of mingled with laughter the two elderly gentlemen descended the steps and crossing the road arm in arm were soon lost to sight in an opposite avenue of trees i stayed a minute or two at the open door looking after them and puffing slowly at my half finished they knew they guessed my love for it was probable every one knew or guessed it i might as well speak openly and at once to the de why not to morrow yes to morrow i i resolved i would do so and to morrow then ah god i should be free to clasp my darling in my arms to tell her how i had thought of her every minute of the day and night how i adored her how i worshipped her i should be allowed to kiss those soft sweet lips and touch those lovely curls of loose brown hair she would be mine to me the very thought made me tremble with my own eagerness and ecstasy and to calm myself i went abruptly indoors and began to busy my brain with certain financial calculations and reports which demanded the attention and while i was thus engaged softly whistling a tune as i worked for pure lightness of heart the moon high up like a great the room in which i sat with strange ghostly beams of silver and green one green ray falling right across the paper on which i was and shining with such a conspicuous brilliancy that it almost the brightness of the lit lamp over my head i stopped writing to look at it it with a liquid pale radiance like the lustre of an or the colour of it moved away after a while and i went on with my work but i well remember the weird almost loveliness of the skies that night the weather was so calm and clear when my father came back in about an hour s time after having been triumphantly successful as between the cure and his old he remarked to me as we went upstairs to our the unexpected nephew of m will have fine weather for his journey excellent i agreed stifling a for i was rather sleepy by the way what is the unexpected nephew s name l i stopped on the stairs a strange name surely it sounds strange	33
yes but is an old name so tells me is certainly not so common as yet they are very nearly alike true and i said no more but i thought several times at odd waking moments during the night of that name and wondered what sort of being he was that bore it he was studying to be a priest so it was not likely that i should see much of him however a curious sense of irritation grew up in me that this fellow from should be coming to paris at all i disliked him already even while admitting to myself that such a dislike was altogether foolish and unreasonable and the name haunted me then even as it haunts me now only then it suggested nothing save a faint inexplicable sense of aversion but now it is written before me in letters of fire it at me from every clear blank space of wall it writes itself beneath my feet on the ground and above me in the heavens i never lose the accursed sight of it i never shall never never until i die iv the next day i carried out my previous night s resolution to ask the de for his daughter s hand in marriage as i expected i was met with entire favour and when i left the old s library after about an hour s satisfactory conversation i had his full parental permission to go straightway to and tell her of my passion how my heart beat how my galloped as i stepped swiftly along the corridor in search of my soul s idol she usually sat with her cousin in a small on the garden and she was generally at home at this early hour of the afternoon but for once i could not find her where was she i wondered perhaps in the large drawing room though she seldom went there that apartment being only used occasionally for the reception of visitors however i turned in that direction and was just crossing the passage when i was brought to an abrupt stand still by the sound of music such music as might have been played by to charm his lost bride out of hell i listened amazed and it was a that such wild melody some one was playing it with so much and fire and feeling that it seemed as though every throbbing note were a burning thing alive with wings to carry it to and fro in the air for ever i pushed open the door of the drawing room suddenly and stared at its solitary why it was that pale and quiet st who stood there her bow lifted her features with enthusiasm her bright hair ruffled and her large eyes i what a face what an attitude she was actually beautiful this woman and i had never perceived it before when she saw me she started then in a moment regained her self possession laid down her bow and still holding the advanced a little you want she asked slightly smiling she will be down directly she is upstairs changing her dress she and my aunt have just returned from a drive in the they found it very cold i looked at her feeling stupid and tongue tied i wanted to say something about her marvellous playing but at the moment could find no words her eyes met mine steadily the faint smile still lurking in their clear depths and after a brief pause she spoke again i was and placing the against her slim white throat she ran her fingers up and down the strings i seldom have the chance of a couple of hours all to myself but this afternoon i managed to escape from the drive my aunt went to call at the house of m in order to leave her card for his nephew who has just arrived i was considerably surprised at this and very quickly found voice to surely madame la has been almost too courteous in this regard i said the young man is a perfect stranger the mere son of a farmer in pardon interrupted he is already highly distinguished for learning and and a special letter of introduction and recommendation concerning him came by last night s post for my uncle from the prior of st s at the prior is one of my uncle s dearest and oldest friends thus you see it is quite en that this l should receive his first welcome from the house of de again she ran her delicate fingers up and down the strings of her and again that unreasonable sense of irritation which had possessed me during the past night possessed me now all things seemed to together to make this fellow actually one of our intimate circle will be long do you think i asked rather i am anxious to see her i have her f s permission to speak to her in private what a curious change passed over her face as i said these words she evidently guessed my errand and there was something in her expression that was and difficult to she looked startled sorry vaguely troubled and i wondered why presently laying down her she came towards me and touched my arm gently almost do not be in a hurry she said very earnestly i think indeed i am sure i know what you are going to say to but give her time to think plenty of time she is so very young she scarcely knows her own mind oh do not be angry with me indeed i speak for the best i have lived with my cousin so long in truth i have seldom been away from her when she went to her finishing school in three years ago but before that we were both educated at the of the together i know her nature thoroughly	33
she is sweet she is good she is a little angel of beauty but she does not understand what love is she cannot even the passing emotions of her own heart you must be very patient with her give her time to be quite sure of herself for now she is not sure she cannot be sure her voice thrilled with quite a plaintive and her strange eyes which i now noticed were a sort of grey een like the tint pf the ea before a storm filled with tears but i was extremely angry angry with her for speaking to me at all on the subject of my it was none of her business she had her doubts this pale serious cold woman as to the possibility of s having any real love for me that was evident well she should find out her mistake she should soon see how fondly and truly my darling returned my passion i said you are exceedingly good to concern yourself so deeply with the question of your cousin s happiness i am grateful to you i assure you as grateful perhaps as even she herself can be but at present i think the matter is best left in my hands you may be quite certain that i shall urge nothing upon de that will be in any way distressing to her my sole desire being to make her life so far as i am able one of perfect felicity as for the comprehension of love i think that comes instinctively to all women of age surely you yourself and i spoke in a more cannot be ignorant of its meaning if you loved any one you would not require much time to think about it yes indeed i should she replied slowly i should need time to with my own heart to ask it if all this panting passion this restless fever would last whether it were but a fancy of the moment a dream of the hour or the never to be fire of love indeed love in its perfect strength and fidelity love absolutely unselfish pure and i should need time to know myself and my lover and to feel that our two spirits into one as as the two notes in this perfect and taking up her she drew the bow across the string s a sweet and solemn sound organ like in tone floated through the room with such a that the very air seemed to around me in faint yet soothing echoes what a strange creature she was i thought and a quick sigh escaped my lips unconsciously i did not know you played the i began hastily and with a touch of embarrassment and she smiled but that is not surprising you do not know and it is probable you never will know anything at all about me i am a very uninteresting person it is not worth anyone s while to study me listen and she held up her finger as a clear voice rang through the house a lively strain from one of the popular at the time there is she is coming this way one word more m and she turned swiftly upon me with an air of almost imperial dignity if you are modest and wise you will remember what i have said to you if you are conceited and foolish you will forget au and before i had time to answer her she had vanished taking her with her and leaving me in a state of mingled perplexity and vague annoyance however as i have before stated i never paid much attention to st or attached any great importance to her opinions and on this occasion i soon dismissed her from my mind for in another minute an ethereal vision clad in soft pink and white with a curly dark head and a pair of laughing deep blue eyes appeared at the open door of the room and herself entering stretched out both her hands in gay greeting bon how long have you been here making love to ah i know how very bad you are what you come to see me only me oh yes that is a very pretty way to excuse yourself then why was crying as she passed me you have vexed her and i shall not forgive you for i love her dearly crying i stammered in amazement st why she was as bright as possible just now she has been playing her yes she plays it only when she is sad and nodded her head never when she is happy so that i know something is not well with her and who am i to blame for it it must be your fault i shall blame you me i stared helplessly then smiled for i at once perceived she was only and i watched her with my heart beating quick hammer strokes as she sank lazily down in a near the fire and held out her little hands to the warmth of the red glow we have been driving in the mamma and i and it was so cold she said with a delicate of her pretty figure was wise to remain at home only she missed seeing from engrossed as i was with my own thoughts and the contemplation of her beauty for i was wondering how i should begin my declaration of love this last sentence of hers impressed me do you mean the nephew of m i inquired with no doubt a touch of annoyance in my accents which she woman like was quick to notice yes truly i do mean the nephew of m she replied a little sparkle of malicious mirth lighting up her lovely eyes he has arrived he is a savage from a forest philosopher very wise very serious very good ah so good he	33
might strive to convey into the of some ideal of patience and wisdom i like every one else at the house of the de that night found myself attracted against my will by the graceful and refined courtesy of this son of a farmer this mere provincial whose face and figure would have done honour to the most brilliant aristocratic assemblage the former instinctive aversion i had felt with regard to him subsided for the time being and i listened as attentively as any one at table whenever his voice melodious as a bell in with our conversation i was perfectly happy myself for in a few brief words simple and suited to the occasion the de had announced to all present the news of his daughter s engagement to me when he did so i glanced quickly at st but though she looked even paler usual she gave no sign either of surprise or pleasure my father had then in his turn proposed the health of the which was drunk with readiness by all except who never touched wine he for this lack of hon and was about to raise a glass of water to his lips in order to join in the toast when spoke across the table in swift eager accents do not drink my cousin s health in water m she said it is unlucky and your wishes may prove fatal to them both he smiled and at once set down the glass you are superstitious i he replied gently bending his handsome head towards her but i will not try to combat your feeling i will content myself with a silent prayer in my heart for your cousin s happiness a prayer which though it may not find expression in words is none the less sincere his voice was so serious and soft and full of emotion that it left an impression of gravity upon us that vague subdued sensation that comes across the mind when the little bell rings at mass and the people kneel before the host and then i saw the meditative eyes of rest upon the stranger with a searching earnestness in their depths a look that seemed to be silently of a desire to know more of his character life and aims the dinner went on and we were all conversing more or less merrily on various matters when she quite suddenly asked him the question are you going to be a priest l he turned his dark picturesque face in her direction i hope so god willing as my uncle will tell you i have studied solely for the yes that may be returned a faint colour creeping through the soft of her cheeks but pardon me you seem also to have d many things not necessary to religion for instance now i exclaimed the de good what art thou going to out of thy stores of wisdom you must understand m l and he turned to the person he addressed my niece is a great student of the and is well in the literature of many nations so that she often puts me to shame by her knowledge of the strange and wonderful works done by men of genius in this world for the benefit of the ignorant excuse her therefore if she on your ground of learning i have often told her that she studies like a man l bowed courteously and looked towards with renewed interest i am proud to have the honour of being addressed by one who has the air of a and is no doubt the possessor of more than s admirable qualities he said you were observing that i seem to have studied things not altogether necessary to religion in what way do you consider this proved met his gaze very i heard you speaking with my uncle some minutes age of science she answered of modem science in particular and its various wonderful discoveries now do you not find something in that branch of study which much of the doctrine of the church much that seems to it yes he returned quietly but which if pursued far enough would i am fully persuaded strengthen our belief instead of it i am not afraid of science my faith is here he raised his magnificent eyes with the expression of a saint and again we felt that embarrassed gravity stealing over us as if we were in church instead of at dinner m good hearted man was profoundly touched well said mon he said with tender seriousness when the good god has once drawn our hearts to the love of his holy service it matters little what the learning or the philosophy of the world can teach us the world and the things of the world are always on the surface but the faith of a servant of the church is deep in the soul he nodded liis head several times with pious then into smiles added not that even i can boast of such strong faith as my old after all she has a favourite saint st francis of she has made a for his image which she keeps in her sleeping chamber and whenever she wishes to obtain any special favour she sticks a pin in the with the most absolute belief that the saint noticing that pin will straightway remember what he has to do for her without any further we laughed i say we but did not laugh it is very touching and very he said that quaint faith of the lower classes concerning special i have been ble to see anything ridiculous in the superstition which is bom of ignorance as well blame an innocent child for believing in the pretty fancies taken from fairy tales as at the poor peasant for trusting that one or other of the saints will have a special care of his or field of com i love the	33
ignorant they are our flock our little ones whom we are to guide and t if all were wise in the world there would be no necessity for churches or priests i put in hastily my father frowned and i at once perceived i had ruffled the devout feelings of the de who nevertheless remembering that i was the excellent match he had just secured for his daughter refrained from allowing any angry observation to escape him l however looked straight at me and as his brilliant eyes flashed on mine the aversion had felt for him before i ever saw him sprang up afresh in my mind is of the new school of france he inquired with the faintest little curl of mockery dividing his delicate lips he possibly as so many do the principles of and republican the blood rushed to my face his manner me and i should have answered him with a good deal of heat and impatience had i not felt a soft little hand suddenly steal into mine and press my fingers it was s hand she was a timid creature and she dreaded any sort of argument lest it might lead to high words and general but whatever i might have said was by m who addressed his nephew gently yet with a touch of severity too oi mon i he said using the old term of is a young man like thee and in all probability he is no more certain of his principles than thou art it takes a long while to a man s sense of right and honour into a fixed guiding rule for life those who are in the flash of their impetuous youth may be or when they arrive at mature manhood those who are when they first commence their career may become devout servants of heaven before they have reached the middle of their course patience for all and prejudice for none otherwise we as followers of christ lay ourselves open to just blame you are boys both you and as boys you must be judged by your elders till time and experience give you the right to be considered as men this little was evidently very satisfactory to both my father and the de bowed respectfully as he always did whenever his uncle spoke to him and the conversation again drifted into more or less channels when the ladies left the dinner table for the drawing room crossed over and took s seat next to mine i must ask you to pardon me he said softly under cover of a discussion on which was being carried on by the other gentlemen i feel that i spoke to you rudely and roughly and i am quite ashamed will you forget it and be friends he extended his hand there was a soft caressing grace about him that was fascinating his beautiful countenance was like that of a pleading angel his eyes bright with warmth and sympathy i could do no less than take his hand in my own and assure him of my esteem and though my words were brief and scarcely enthusiastic he seemed quite satisfied how lovely she is he then said in the same confidential tone leaning back in his chair and smiling a little how like a fairy dream it is impossible to imagine a more creature i looked at him surprised i had got the very foolish idea into my head that the of religion never perceived a woman s beauty you mean i began i mean your lovely de ah you are indeed to be congratulated she is like some fair saint in a where the light falls through rose coloured windows her eyes have so pure a radiance in them an innocence such as is seen in the eyes of birds she would into the mind of inspired thought she is the model of what we might imagine our lady to have been before the you are more likely to be a poet than a priest i said amazed and vaguely vexed at his enthusiasm he smiled mon ami religion is poetry poetry is religion the worship of beauty is as holy a service as the worship of the beauty creating divinity there is a great deal of harm done to the church by the are too fond of sack cloth and ashes and prayer they should look out upon the mirror of the world and see life reflected there in all its varying dark and brilliant colours then raising their thoughts to heaven they should appeal for grace to understand these wonders and explain them to the less enlightened multitude the duty of a priest is to my thinking to preach of happiness and hope not sorrow and death if ever i become an ordained servant of christ here he raised his eyes devoutly and made almost the sign of the cross i shall make it my province to preach joy i shall speak of the flowers the birds and trees of the stars and their inexhaustible of the eat rivers and greater of the of life of everything that is fair and gracious and suggestive of promise would you take the beauty of woman as a text for example i asked why not he answered calmly the beauty of woman is one of the gifts of god to our eyes it is not to be rejected or deemed i should love to preach of beautiful women they are the of beautiful souls not always i said and with a slight scorn for his ignorance you have not lived in paris m there are lovely women at the and also at other places not to the ears of a student of religion women delicate as and as flowers who possess not a of character and who have been veritable of vice from their earliest years a sudden interest flashed	33
made no difficulty about it but consented at once without the least hesitation accompanied her on the piano being careful to subdue her part of the performance to a delicate softness so that we might hear to its full splendour of tone and utmost of silver sound the marvellous music this strange pale golden haired woman flung out on the air in such wild of passion that our very hearts beat faster as we listened while she played she was in herself a fit study for an artist she stood within the arched of a window where the fall of the close drawn rose silken curtains provided a background for her figure clad in a plain straight white gown with a flower to relieve its classical severity her rounded arm had a snowy gleam like that of marble contrasted with the hue of her to and fro with grace and exquisite precision swept that bow with the ease and lightness of a willow branch waving in the wind and yet with a force and that were absolutely astonishing in a grand pleading notes came quivering to us from the sensitive fibre of the fourth string delicate flew over our heads like fine foam bells breaking from a wave of tune we caught faint whispers of the sweetest spiritual prayers and aspirations we listened to the airy dancing of winged on golden floors of melody we heard the rustle of the s brown wings against cool green leaves followed by a torrent of full song and when the player finally ceased with a rich seemed to divide the air like the harmonious roll of a dividing we broke into a spontaneous round of enthusiastic applause i sprang up from where i had been sitting in a silent ecstasy of attention and poured out the praise which being and was not mere flattery she heard me and smiled a strange little wistful smile so you love music she said does it teach you anything i wonder teach me anything i echoed are you proposing looked round from the piano with a expression on her lovely features that is one of s funny ideas she declared music teaches so she sa s all sorts of things not only beautiful but terrible now can see nothing terrible in music bent over her swiftly and kissed her curls no because you have never thought of anything sad even so may it always be of course sorrow is expressed in said who almost unobserved had joined our little group near the window and now stood leaning one arm on the pi ao regarding as he spoke sorrow and joy alternately but when sorrow and joy into darker and more tragic colours i doubt whether music can absolute horror or remorse a tragedy in sound seems to me almost impossible yet language is sound replied even as music is and music is often able to go on with a story when language breaks off and fails you would have your mind turned to a tragic key m l well then listen there is no greater tragedy than the ever one of love and death and this is a sad legend of both do not play ma i will be an independent this time we all gazed at her in vague admiration as she took up her once more and began to play a delicate more like the rippling of a brook than the sound of a instrument the thread of melody seemed to wander in and out through of moss and and all at once while we were still drinking in these notes she ceased abruptly and still holding the in position aloud in a voice harmonious as music itself de d a ut si au strange de f e ou d des f range this exquisite poem entitled l here quoted in full was written by one charles a french poet whose distinctly great abilities were never encouraged or recognized in his lifetime young still and full of promise he died quite recently in paris surrounded by the very circumstances of suffering poverty and the grass has scarcely had time to grow long or rank enough over his grave when it has the critics of his country will possibly take up his here the bow moved upwards and a wild tune that seemed born of high mountains and dense forests floated softly through the room and above it the player s voice still rose and ne pas de rival ou en sur son car pour de la e s e au il e the music changed to a shuddering minor key and a sobbing wail broke from the strings l la si fort au pour un ii un de et caresses un pour tes un long and here we distinctly heard the solemn beat of a funeral march the pathetic minor melody ii fit i de there was a half pause then all suddenly echoed upon our ears like the passionate exclamations of an almost despair book le de and call the attention of france to his perished genius at present he is only very slightly remembered by a set of playful verses entitled le written merely for the amusement of children and yet the exists a poem almost as beautiful and weird as s dame allowing for the difference of languages un qui sur un de cr ii d a r car sons la et le charm fit sa fortune d la et i au de il y pour k la le oh the unutterable sadness the wailing melancholy of that wandering wild tears filled s eyes she clasped her little hands in her lap and looked at her cousin in awe and wonder and i saw colour come and go with the excess of emotion the mingled music and poetry aroused in him for all his quiet continued au son du fun lis k mi voyage	33
it that should not he will show you some of the fine sights of paris and make the time spin by pleasantly come and see us whenever ou like our uncle knows that my house is as free to him as his own with these and various other friendly expressions we went each on our several ways the cure and his nephew going to the left m father and i continuing the road straight we lit our cigars and walked for some minutes without speaking then my father broke silence a remarkably handsome fellow that l he said so for a priest it is fortunate that his lady will not be able to see him very distinctly through the else who knows what might happen he has a wonderful gift of eloquence too dost thou like him no i replied frankly and at once i cannot say i do m v father looked surprised but why impossible to tell man he is fascinating he is agreeable he is brilliant but there is something in him that i tut tut and my father took my arm good now thou art an engaged man thou must put thy prejudices in thy pocket thou art too much like me in thy suspicion of all priest craft remember this beautiful is not a priest yet and i would not mind that he never will be if he has been trained for the what else is he fit for i asked rather what else he is fit for anything a a a writer of astonishing books he has genius and genius is like the greek it can take all manner of forms and be great in any one of them aye and my father nodded his head take my word for it there is something in this young man that is altogether exceptional and remarkable he is one of the world s inspired and to my notion he is more likely to aid in over turning than to place himself in its ranks as a of defence i murmured something unintelligible by way of reply my s praise of the stranger was not so very pleasing to me that i should wish to encourage him in its continuance we soon reached our own door and bidding each other good night retired at once to rest but all through my sleep i was haunted by fragments of the music played by st c r and scraps of the verses she had at one time between midnight and morning i i saw her standing in my room in a white garment she fixed her eyes on mine and as i looked her lips parted and she said and i thought she meant that was dead struggling to escape from the horror of this impression i cried no no she lives she is mine and making a violent effort i fancied i had awakened when lo the curtain at my window seemed to move slowly and stealthily back and the beautiful calm face of stared full at me by the moon again i started and cried out and this time awoke myself thoroughly i sprang out of bed and dashed back the window i threw open the closed shutters the night was one of sparkling frosty splendour the stars in their glorious millions above my head there was not a sound not a living soul to be seen i returned to my tossed and tumbled couch with a smile at my own absurd visionary fancies and in my heart st and her weird for having them up in my usually clear and balanced brain vii on the far horizon of my line of life there shines a waving ever gleam of brightness i know it to be the reflection of my glad days and sweet memories and when i shut my eyes close and send my thoughts backward i am almost able to count those little dazzling points of sunshine sparkling through the gloom that now my soul but though brilliant they were brief brief as the few stray flashes of lightning that cross the skies on a hot summer s evening my inward vision to look at them let them be swallowed up in blackness i say and let me never more remember that once i was happy for remembrance is very bitter and very useless as well to play out one s part bravely in the world i have said one should have no conscience but it is far more necessary to have no memory are there any poor souls wearing on towards the grave and performing the daily routine of life without either heart or zest in living let such look back to the time when the world opened out before their inexperienced gaze like a brilliant of fair fortune wherein they fancied they might win the prize and then they will understand the meaning of spiritual torture i then will the mind be stretched on a rack of thought then will the futile tears fill the tired eyes then will the passionate craving for death become more and more death and utter blessed forgetfulness ah if one could only be sure that we do forget when we die but that is just what i for one cannot count upon the uncertainty fills me with horror i dare not allow myself to dwell upon the idea that perhaps i may sink from the dull shores of life into a ocean of eternal remembrance i dare not else i should indeed be mad more mad than i am now for even now i am haunted by faces i would fain forget by voices by pleading eyes by pray ing hands and anon by rigid forms dead and white as marble with the awful frozen smile of death s unutterable secret carved on their stiff set lips and yet they are but the of my own brain i ought to know that by this time	33
leave just now indeed i can quite understand it i replied quickly for i entirely in such a grief which to me would have been but let us hope you will not be absent long i hope not i fervently hope not she murmured her voice trembling a little but m you will not let be too much alone you will visit her every day and see her as often as possible i smiled you may rely upon that i answered do not be afraid for i called her now as the others did i am not likely to neglect her no of course not she said in the same low nervous accents yet she is not quite herself just now i fancy a little morbid perhaps and she often sheds tears for for nothing you know and i think she gives way to too much religion oh you laugh for i had been unable to resist a smile at this suggestion of my little darling s excess of devotion i knew the reason i thought she was praying for me but i do not think it is natural in one so young and i would give anything to be able to stay with her and watch over her a little instead of going to she used not to be so over particular about her religious duties and now she never early mass she is up and out of doors while i am yet asleep and she is quite cross if we try to keep her away from and it is not necessary for her to attend m s church always do you think so she looked full at me but i could perceive no of meaning in her words to my mind everything did or chose to do was perfection she is fond of good old i replied we re all of him and if you ask m frankly think i would rather she went to his church than to any other you are over anxious the news of your mother s illness has quite you don t be nervous is the idol of our hearts we shall all take extra care of her while you are absent i hope you will take extra care she said with strange almost passionate earnestness i pray to my god you will her words impressed me very for the moment what an uncomfortable creature she was i thought with her great flashing grey green eyes and pale classic features on which the light of a burning inward genius sent a weird glow just then came back so she broke off her conversation with me abruptly and on the following morning she had gone some few days after her departure i the subject of this too much religion to my so you go to mass every morning like a good little girl i said merrily twisting one of her rich brown curls round my finger as i spoke she started how did you know that told me before she went away why you don t mind my knowing it do you it is right of you and very proper but doesn t it make you get up too early no i never sleep much after daybreak she answered her face flushing a little like the awake at sunrise i said well i must reform and be good too shall i meet you at church to morrow for instance if you wish she replied quietly she was so very serious about it that i did not like to pursue the question further some of her parents scruples were no doubt her thought and i had no inclination to offend them by any undue levity religion is becoming to a woman a beautiful girl praying is the only idea the world can give of what god s angels may be the morrow came and i did not go to church as i had intended having myself but in the course of the day i happened to m and to him i mentioned s regular attendance at his early mass the good man s brow clouded and he looked exceedingly puzzled that is strange i very strange he remarked i must be getting very short sighted or else the dear child must keep very much in the background of the church for i never see her except on s when she comes with her father and mother early mass you say there are several the first one is at six o clock when my nephew me as the next at seven when i have the usual attendant to help me for at that time goes for a long walk he is accustomed to a great deal of exercise in and he does not get enough of it here it must be at seven that the pretty one slips in to pray she would hardly come earlier ah well it is easy for my old eyes to miss her then for my sacred duties take up all my attention she is a good child a sweet and virtuous one thou be very proud of her and am i not so i responded i should love her and be proud of her even do not be shocked mon even if she never went to mass at he shook his head with much pious severity at this audacious declaration but could not quite repress a kindly smile all the same then we shook hands cordially and parted the next day i did manage to rouse myself in for the seven o clock mass and i arrived at the little church in a state of excitement thinking what a surprise my appearance would be to to my intense disappointment however she was not there there were very few people present two or three market women and an old widow in the deepest mourning being the most conspicuous members of the congregation	33
the love that for a brief while it i say i loved and in proportion to the sincerity of that love i afterwards measured the intensity of my hate i a brilliant may had begun in paris the foliage was all in its beauty of pale green leaf the were bright with flowers and the gay city looked its loveliest my father was still ed by his affairs in england but i knew he would not remain away much longer now as he was anxious to relieve me of some of the more cares of business before the time for my marriage came too close at hand st was also expected back daily her mother had recovered and she had therefore nothing to detain her any longer in told me this news and i noticed that she did not seem at all over enthusiastic concerning her cousin s return like a fool i flattered myself that this was because i had now become the first in her affections and that as a perfectly natural consequence the once adored was bound to occupy a lower and vastly inferior place i was full of my own joy my own triumph and i was blind to anything else but these true i did remark on one or two occasions during my visits to her that my was sometimes not quite so brilliant as usual that there was a certain and ethereal delicacy about her features that was suggestive of hidden suffering that her deep blue eyes seemed larger than the used to be larger darker and more intense in their of expression that now and then her lips quivered when i kissed her and that there were moments when she appeared to be on the verge tears put i attributed all these signs of subdued ro emotion to the nervous excitement a young girl would feel at the swift approach of her marriage day i knew she wa exceedingly sensitive and for this reason i rather looked forward to the return of as i felt certain that she with her womanly tact quiet wa s and strong tenderness for would by her very presence in the house do much to soothe my little s highly strung and over wrought condition and would also take a great deal of the fatigue of preparation for the wedding off her hands still i did not really think very deeply about it any and i was rather taken by surprise one afternoon when on calling to leave some flowers for en the servant begged me to enter and wait in the drawing room for a few minutes as the de had expressed a particular wish to see me alone on a matter of importance i crossed the familiar threshold i remember that day with a strange dull sensation at my heart and as the doors of the great were thrown open for me a shiver seized me as though it were winter instead of spring the room looked bare and blank in spite of its rich furniture and no came in to greet me and i stood hat in hand leaning against the edge of the grand piano gazing through the window and wondering foolishly to myself why the gardener usually so neat had left a heap of the past winter s dead leaves in one corner of the outside gravel path there they were an ugly brown pile of them and every now and then the light may wind fluttered them blowing two or three off to whirl like dark against the clear blue sky i was still meditating on this trifle and comparing those swept up of decay with the cluster of rich red roses i had just brought for my and which i had laid carefully down on a side table near me when the door was opened softly and closed again with equal care and the de approached she looked worn and anxious and there was a puzzled pain and sorrow in her eyes that filled me with alarm i caught my breath is she ill i faltered i knew not what she is not well began the co gently then paused my heart beat violently it is something dangerous you have sent for a physician you here my attempted self control gave and i exclaimed let me see her i must i madame i have the right to see her why do you hinder me the laid her hand on my arm in a manner and smiled a little be tranquil there is nothing serious the matter to day it is true she is not well she has been weeping violently re such tears and the mother s voice quivered slightly as she spoke i have asked her a hundred times the cause of her distress and she me it is nothing always nothing but i think there must be some reason she who is generally so bright and happy would scarcely weep so long and without cause and this is why i wished to speak to you mon to ask ou is the love between j ou both as great as ever i stared at her amazed what a silly woman she was i thought to make such an odd and altogether unnecessary inquiry most mt is madame i replied with emphatic earnestness it is even greater on ni part and of her tenderness i have never had a moment s occasion to doubt that she sheds tears at all is of itself distressing news to me but nevertheless it is true that girls will often weep for nothing especially when they are a little over strung and excited as may be at the time she with a very natural regret for which i should be the last to blame her that ver soon she will have to leave her home and your care the change from	33
to marriage is a very serious one and being sensitive she has perhaps thought more about it than we imagine here i paused embarrassed and concerned for i saw two big drops roll down the mother s cheeks and in the folds of her rich silk robe yes it may be that she said in low tremulous accents i have thought so myself yet every now and then i have had the idea a very foolish one no doubt that perhaps the child is secretly unhappy but if you assure me that all is well between j ou then i must be mistaken pardon my anxiety and she extended her hand which i took and kissed respectfully we have all had too much to do while our dear has been away and here she smiled more readily it is possible we are all morbid in consequence at any rate next time you are alone with will you ask her to confide in you if indeed there is anything her usually sweet and serene nature some mere trifle may have put her out a trifle exaggerated by her fancy which we knowing of may be able to set right instantly and surely that would be well the generally dignified and rather austere looking lady was quite softened into by her eager and tender maternal solicitude and i admired her for it kissing her hand again i promised to do as she asked but cannot i see to day i inquired no it is better not she answered t the poor little thing is quite worn out with crying she is exhausted and is now upon lier bed asleep i will give her those roses when she wakes they are for her are they not i assented and brought them to her she took them and bade me au to morrow come and see she said i will tell her to expect thee we will prepare a pretty the k in the little morning room and thou wilt be able to discover the cause of her trouble if there is any trouble i rejoined half smiling true if there is if there is not then thou must tell her she is a foolish little girl and us all without reason a carefully carrying the roses i had brought she left the room with a kindly nod of farewell and i went home to get through some work i was bound to finish before the next morning i found awaiting me and i hailed his presence with a sense of relief for my own thoughts harassed me and just to my mind i told him all about and her tears he moved away to the window while i was speaking we were in my father s library and looked out at the trees in front of the house as he had deliberately turned his back to me i took his action as a sign of are you listening asked with some listening with both ears and with the very spirit of attention he replied changing his attitude abruptly and me what the devil would you have me do i almost out of my chair so startled was i at this sort of language from his lips meeting my surprised gaze he laughed aloud a ringing laugh which though clear seemed to me to have a touch of in it don t look so i said the devil m and why should i not say it the devil is as important a personage as the creator in our perpetual the world the flesh and the devil three good things three positively tempting things no three enemies that we have to with and at the throats of till we get them down under our feet and kill them aye even if we kill ourselves in the struggle the world the flesh and the devil mon i i wonder which is the strongest of the three i could not answer him for a moment i was so completely taken by his strange manner the soft grey light of the deepening dusk fell on his face mingling with the warmer glow of the shaded lamp above our heads and i saw to my wonder and concern that he looked as if he were some physical sufferings that there were dark lines under his eyes and that there was a brilliant flush on his cheeks which seemed to me to fever do ou know you are talking very oddly i said at last watching him narrowly you are not yourself at all what s the matter are you ill ma foil not i i am well mon ami well and in cheerful spirits don t you see that i am don t you see that i am almost too for for a priests listen and approaching me he laid his two hands on my shoulders such burning hands i felt more than ever certain that he must be going to have some feverish i have a secret and i will confide it to you it is this paris is making a fool of me i have got the city s madness into my veins i am learning to love light and colour and gay music and song and dance and the wildly beautiful eyes of women eyes that are blue and passionate and pleading and that make one s heart ache for and unutterable joys you stare at me amazed but is there anything so wonderful in the fact that i young strong and full of life should all at once feel myself turning to the i have been trained to adopt do you know can you imagine what it is to be a	33
priest to on things that human sight can never see and human ears never hear to shut out utterly from the sweet ways of the less devout existence to one s entire body and soul to a vast invisible that never speaks that never answers that gives no sign of either refusal or acquiescence to the most passionate prayers to resign a thousand actual joys for the far off dream of heaven to sternly put away the touch of loving lips the clasp of loving hands to cut all natural affections down at one blow as a cuts a of corn to become a human tomb for one s own soul to die to the world and to live for god but the world is here and god is where his words touched me most i understood or i thought i understood his condition of mind and i certainly could not deem it unnatural a man such as he was not only in the earl prime of life but gifted with rare intellectual ability far above the ordinary needs must wake up at one time or another to the fact that the of priest was at its best but a melancholy and limited career so this was what troubled him this was the that secretly fretted his soul and gave this touch of to his behaviour i hastened to s with him and taking his hands from my shoulders pressed them cordially in my own mon if these are your real feelings on the subject i said earnestly why not make a frank con of them not only to me but to everybody concerned your uncle for instance is far too sensible and broad minded a man to wish to persuade you into the church against your true inclinations and if paris has as you say worked a change in you depend upon it it is all for the best you are destined for greater things than the of old doctrines to people who in these days of advanced thought will no matter how eloquent you are never believe half of what you say shake off your and be a free man shape your own future with such splendid as yours it needs must be a fair and prosperous one he looked at me steadily and smiled you are very kind he said softly as kind and good a fellow as ever i have met i wish i wish to god i had your of conscience i was a little puzzled at this remark had he been low company and himself with the painted in the common dancing of paris and was he himself with scruples born of his strict education and religious discipline whatever the reason it was evident he was very ill at ease y as though making a resolved end of his mental perplexity he exclaimed what nonsense i have been talking it is a foolish frenzy that has seized me nothing i must be a priest i look it so people say my mother has set her heart upon it my father his eternal welfare on my the prior of st s at has written of me to the holy father as one of the most promising of the church all this preparation must not go for naught mon ami if i know myself to be a what then there are many like me what should i do with a conscience these words pained me infinitely you are indeed much changed i said rather reproachfully i cannot bear to hear you talk in this reckless fashion priest or no priest be faithful to whatever principles you finally take up if you can believe in nothing why then believe in nothing to the end if on the contrary you elect to fasten your faith to something then win the respect of every one as our good does by clinging to that something till death your hold of it no matter what a man does he should at least be consistent if you feel you cannot fulfil the calling of a priest you ought to die rather than become one he murmured he had thrown himself back in a chair and closed his eyes that is easy his voice had a touch of deep pathos in it and my heart ached for him there could be no doubt that he was suffering greatly some acute had him on the rack and perhaps he did not tell me all or even half his i drew up my own chair to the table where a large bundle of financial reports awaited my attention i was quite accustomed to have him often sitting in the same room with me while i worked so that his presence did not disturb me in the least and i paid no heed to him for several minutes all at once though mj head was bent down over my writing i became instinctively aware that he was looking intently at me and lifting my gaze to meet his was exceedingly sorry to see what a strange expression of positive agony there was in his beautiful dark eyes es that were formerly so serene and as to be almost i laid down my pen and surveyed him anxiously mon ami i said gently there is some thing else on your mind more than this feeling about the you have not told me everything i he frowned what else should there be to tell he answered with a certain quick then in accents he added my dear don t you know a man may have a thousand all mingled together in such confusion that he may be absolutely unable to or distinguish them	33
separately that is my case i cannot tell you plainly what is the matter with me for i know myself miserable for nothing then i laughed away again just like my little it must be in the air this malady there was a pause during which the clock seemed to with an almost then spoke is she indeed miserable do you think he asked in accents so hoarse and tremulous that i scarcely recognized them as his she that bright child of joy the little vi as i have sometimes called her oh my ood i this last exclamation broke from him like a groan of actual torture and seeing him cover his face with his hands i sprang to his side in haste and alarm ou are ill i know you are you must either stay here the night with me or let me walk home with you are not fit to be alone he drew away his hands from his eyes and looked at me very strangely you are right i am not fit to be alone only the straight minded and pure of heart are fit for solitude there being no solitude anywhere no solitude for every inch of space is occupied by some eyed of life and none can tell how or by whom our most secret deeds are watched and to be alone simply means to be confronted with god s invisible silent cloud of witnesses and j ou say truly i am not fit thus to be alone he rose from his chair and stood up resting one hand on my arm all the same he continued forcing a faint smile i will not bore you any longer with my present dismal humour do not bestow another thought on me mon ami i am going no positively i cannot allow you to come home with me i am not ill i assure you i am only miserable the malady of misery may be as ou say in the air he laughed and i watched him with increasing concern and wonder really i do believe there are strange influences in the air sometimes like seeds of plants blown b the wind to places where thej may best take root and so the unseen yet living of hatred or love joy or sorrow may be for all we know in the seemingly clear ready to sink sooner or later into the human hearts prepared to receive and them it is a wonderful universe and wonderful things come of it he paused again and then held out his hand forgive my good night i good night i answered feeling somewhat myself by his utter but i wish you would let me accompany you part of the on the contrary you will oblige me mon by sticking to your work and allowing me to home in my own fashion i want to think out a difficult and i must be by myself to do it he walked across the room i following him and had nearly reached the door when he turned sharply round and confronted me supposing i had greatly and could you forgive me i stared at him astonished you f greatly and nonsense one might as well expect sin from the he broke into a laugh forced harsh and bitter upon my word j ou flatter me if i am like the arch angel then has deserted heaven for hell quite recently but you do not answer my question could j ou forgive me his brilliant eyes seemed to my soul and i hesitated before replying for strange to say the old inexplicable sense of distrust and aversion rose up in me anew and seemed not only to throw a sudden cloud over his beauty but also in part to my friendly sympathy i do not think i have a malicious nature i said at last doubtfully and i have never borne any one a lasting grudge that i can remember i do not profess particularly christian principles either because like many of countrymen of to day i rather to the doctrines of a new universal religion springing solely out of human social unity but i think i could forgive everything except except what he asked eagerly deliberate deceit i answered wilful al of trust with honor this sort of thing i do not fancy i could ever pardon and suppose i deceived you in a great and important matter persisted still looking at me i met his gaze and spoke out the blunt truth as i then felt it frankly i should never you he laughed again rather this time and once more shook hands well said i honour you for the sturdy courage of your opinions never put up with deceit a spoken lie is bad enough but a acted lie is worse and yet alas i what a false world we live in how full of the most gracefully performed lying the pity of it is that when truth is spoken no one can be got to believe it you know the pretty song which says tf t la r un beau oddly enough the least of poetry always reminds me of that clever st she returns to paris soon i suppose she is expected every day i replied glad of a more commonplace turn to the conversation she may be home to morrow indeed i shall be glad to see her again so shall i i agreed emphatically will soon recover her good spirits in her cousin s company no doubt no doubt and he looked and thoughtful then with a sudden start he exclaimed my good i forgot your marriage takes place almost immediately does it not at the beginning of next month i answered smiling he seized me by both hands	33
ah le qui and his eyes flashed radiance into mine i am ashamed positively ashamed to have darkened your threshold with the shadow of mj self in an ill humour a thousand i will go home and get to bed with to morrow s sun i shall probably rise a wiser and more cheerful man think no more of my we all at fate now and then au ami and may your dreams be rose lit with the glory of love and the face of with a bright more dazzling than usual by contrast with his previous gloom he left me and i watched him from the street door as he strode swiftly across the road and turned in the direction of his uncle s residence his behaviour was certainly strange for one who was usually the very of serenity and reserve i was puzzled by it and could not make him out at all however after a little with myself i came to the conclusion that matters were truly as he had said that paris had unsettled him and that he was beginning to have serious doubts as to whether after all it was his true to be a priest i mj self had doubted it ever since i had come to know him intimately he was too fond of science and philosophy too clever too handsome and too young to resign all life s splendid opportunities for the service of a narrow and religion i could thoroughly understand the difficulty in which he was placed and i wished him well out of bondage into the liberty of the free that night i was busy at my work up to the small hours of the morning and when i did get to bed at last my slumber was not very refreshing i continued my task of adding up figures throughout my dreams without ever arriving at any precise conclusion i tried in the usual futile visionary way to come to some result of all these and anxious calculations but in vain the refused to clear itself up in any sort of fashion and me all night long though now and then it dispersed itself out of numbers into words and became a monotonous refrain of the lines la r un beau i ix on the following afternoon between four and five o clock i went to see as i had promised her mother i would a promise i myself was only too eager to fulfil remembering her extreme fondness for flowers i bought a basket of lilies of the valley at the establishment of a famous noted for his exquisite taste in designs it was tied with of white and pink ribbon and the delicate blossoms loved hy christ of old were softly shaded over by the fine of the prettiest known the dainty maiden hair armed with this fragrant of love i entered the little morning room where the a was already prepared and found awaiting me looking a perfect fairy vision of youthful grace mirth and loveliness she sprang forward to greet me she took the lilies from my hands and kissed them she threw her arms round my neck and thanked me with the same child like rapture and enthusiasm that had distinguished her on the night i first met her when she had talked so about the i held her in my close embrace and studied her features with all a lover s passionate scrutiny but t could discover no traces of tears in her eyes no touch of pallid grief upon her rose flushed cheeks her smiles were radiant as a june morning and i inwardly rejoiced to find her so full of her old sparkling animation and vivacity drawing a comfortable chair up to the table she made me sit down while she prepared the tea and i watched s her with almost dazzled eyes of love and admiration as she flitted about the room like a on wings i was told that you were ill yesterday i said presently that you were crying that you were unhappy was that true she looked up oh yes quite true she answered with a droll little gesture of self disdain so many tears i almost floated away on an ocean of them so many dreadful and ugly sobs i am sure i have a red nose still is it not so and kneeling down beside me she raised her fair face to mine in inquiry kissing her i told her she had never looked which was true whereupon she sprang up and lam glad i am pretty still she said then all at once a darkness crossed her brows like the shadow of a cloud how horrible it would be to grow ugly to get worn and thin and old with great black rings like spectacles round the eyes to lose all the out of one s hair and to be so weary so weary that the feet will hardly bear one along ah i saw a woman like that the other day she sat on one of the seats in the quite quite alone with no one to pity her her eyes said despair despair always despair and my heart ached for her but you must not think about these things my darling i said taking her hand and drawing her towards me there are many such sad sights in paris and in all large cities but you must not dwell upon them and as for getting m i laughed you need have no fear of that ou are growing more beautiful day you think so she with a that is well i am pleased for i wish to be beautiful wo you are beautiful i re	33
asserted emphatically not as beautiful as i should like to be she murmured there are some people even men who are possessed of beauty that can never be matched that is quite unique like the beauty of the greek heroes and then it is indeed wonderful she paused then rousing herself with a slight start she went on more gaily come we will have tea we will be like the good people in england we will hot stuff and talk a little scandal between the that is the proper way now there is your cup here is mine whom shall we abuse i laughed she looked so pretty and mischievous wait a little i said you have not told me yet why you cried so much yesterday you admit that you did cry well what was the reason she shrugged her shoulders qui salt i i cannot tell it was pleasant it did me good pleasant to cry i pleasant she answered something was in mj heart you know something strange like a bird that wished to sing and fly far far away but it was and so it fluttered and fluttered a little and me but when the tears came it was quite still and now it remains quite still i do not think it will try to sing or to fly any more there was a quaint touch of pathos in these words that moved me uneasily i put down my as yet cup of tea and stretched out my hand come here she came i sat her like a little child on my knee and looked earnestly into her face tell me my darling i said with tender serious ness is there anything that is troubling you have you some that you conceal from every one and if so may i not be your surely you can trust me you know how truly and i love you you know that i would do anything in the world for you you might set me any task however difficult and i would somehow manage to perform it my whole life is yours my dearest will you not confide your to me if you have and let me not only share them but lift the burden of them altogether from your mind which ought to be as bright and as a sky she met my searching gaze openly her breathing was a little quicker than usual but she gave no other sign of i have no she said in a low tremulous voice none at least that i can give words to i think perhaps i am a little tired i have missed is that your trouble and i smiled but what will you do without when you are married i i do not know she faltered timidly i shall have you then i kissed her and you are very very kind to me and i promise you what i asked eagerly she hesitated a moment then went on i promise you i will tell you if i get sad again yes i will tell you thing and you will be good and gentle with me and comfort me will you not indeed i will my darling my angel i said fondly caressing her pretty hair who should console you in any sorrow if not i i shall be quite jealous of if she is to have the largest share of your confidence but she will not have it interrupted quite suddenly i could never tell her any dreadful trouble i laughed let us hope j ou will never know what any dread ful trouble is i rejoined earnestly but why could you not tell she mused a little before replying then said speaking slowly and thoughtfully because she is so great and grand and far above me in everything ah you smile as if you did not believe me but you do not know her is divine her goodness seems to me quite i have caught her sometimes at her ers and it is beautiful to see her face looking as pure and sweet as an angel s and her lovely closed eyelids just like shut up shells and she has such long lashes longer than mine she reminds me of a picture that used to hang in one of the at the of the it was crowned with thorns and lilies and she is so very very good in every way that i know i should never have courage to tell her if if i had been wicked here she lowered her eyes and a hot blush wavered across her face but you have not been wicked child i i exclaimed still somewhat puzzled by her manner you could not be wicked if you tried you think not she returned softly raising her eyes again to mine and i observed that she was now as pale as she had a minute before been flushed dear you are so fond of me and always kind i am very very grateful down she laid her head against my breast for a second then springing up again pushed back her rich curls and remonstrated with mo for not drinking my tea it is cold now i will pour you out some more she said the action to the word don t let us talk of disagreeable things of my crying and all that nonsense it was very stupid of me to cry you must forget it for to day i am quite well and merry and oh do let us be happy while we can whereupon she seated herself opposite to me and began away just in her old bright fashion of all	33
sorts of things of her parents of the extra dainty luxuries had recently added to her and with feminine tact she managed to draw together such an inexhaustible number of brilliant trifles in her conversation that charmed by her vivacity i ceased to remember that she could ever have been sad even for an hour but before i left her i was made miserable again by a very circumstance just when i was about to say good bye for the excess of my work would not allow me to stay with her longer i alluded once more to her past depression and said you are such a bright fairy now that i think you must try and put our friend in better spirits when next you see him he seems in a very melancholy frame of mind oddly enough j when you were so sad he was with me giving utterance to the most sentiments in fact i thought he was ill was about to fasten a flower in my coat but here she dropped it and stooped down on the floor to find it so i continued that i was for going home with him to see that he got there all right but he assured me it was only a ma de fancy he doesn t want to be a priest after all here found the fallen blossom she was searching for and began to pin it in my button hole with such shaking fingers that i became alarmed why you are shivering mj darling are you cold a little she murmured i i the sentence died on her lips and with a helpless swaying movement she fell in a sudden at my feet wild with fright i caught her up in my arms and rang the bell furiously the de came hurrying in and in obedience to her rapid instructions i laid my pretty little one down on a sofa and looked on in rigid anxiety while her mother bathed her hands and forehead with de she has fainted like this once before said the in a low tone do not be alarmed she will be all right in a minute or two did you ask her what i told you i nodded in the affirmative i could not take my eyes off the lovely little face that lay so pale and quiet on the sofa pillows near me and did she say anything nothing i answered with a sigh nothing except that she was quite well and quite happy and that she had no grief whatever and she promised that if ever she felt sad again she would come to me and tell me everything a look of evident relief brightened the mother s watchful face and she smiled that is well she said gently i am glad she promised that as for this little i attach no importance to it young and over girls often faint in this foolish little way there she is better see she is looking at j ou and indeed the sweet blue eyes that were heaven s own light to my soul had opened and were fixed wistfully upon me eagerly i bent over her couch is that you she faintly inquired for all answer i kissed her thank you she said with a pretty plain now you will g o away will you not and let take care of me my head but that is nothing i shall be quite well again soon she smiled and the warm colour came back to her cheeks au kiss me once more it comforts me to think how good and true and kind you are with what tenderness i pressed my lips to hers heaven only knows i little imagined it was the last time i should ever touch that sweet mouth with the passionate sign of love s dearest she closed her eyes again then and the told me in a soft that she would now in all probability fall asleep and slumber away her temporary weakness so making my whispered to the gentle and patiently absorbed mother i stole on tip toe from the room and in another minute or two had left the house once out in the open air however i became a prey to the most extraordinary and violent anxiety everything to my mind looked suddenly with gloom i knew not why certainly the sun had set and the dusk was deepening but the closing in of the evening shadows did not as a rule affect my spirits with such a sense of i walked home mechanically brooding on s fainting fit and it more and more in my thoughts till it assumed the proportion of an ominous symptom of approaching death i worked myself up into such a morbid condition of mind that the very trees covered with their young green and bursting merely suggested the trees in that were also looking g ay because it was spring regardless of the dead in the ground below them and occupied with my miserable i nearly ran up ag who was coming in an opposite tion he looked like the ghost of a fair greek god i thought so wan and wild eyed yet beautiful was he he caught my hands eagerly where are you going you look as if you were stumbling along in a dream i forced a smile i dare say i do i feel like it i is very ill she fainted at my feet today r he turned sharply round as though he suddenly perceived some one he knew then hurriedly i thought i saw my old he said a friend and of mine to whom for my soul s sake i give many an odd sou de fainted you say oh but that is not a very	33
alarming s i considered that he treated the case with undue and told him so rather he laughed a little mon i will not encourage you in your morbid humour any more than you encouraged me last night in mine you are like all lovers inclined to every trifling affecting the well being of the person loved if i loved if i could love i suppose i should be the same but i have the hollow heart of a perpetual mon ami and he laughed again so i can be merry and wise both together and out of my mirth which is great and my which is even greater i would advise you not to dwell with such melancholy on the slight of your to faint is nothing many a school girl at en r y mass and the teachers think it of very little import but i was too full of my own view of the matter to r ten j m minute i persisted th dear child fell in a dead and i had just been speaking to her about you about me and he bit his lips hard mon what an uninteresting subject of conversation i had been telling her i went on that you seemed to be ill last night ill and sad and i had even suggested that she out of her own brightness should try to put you in better spirits the next time she saw you really you are horribly today for he had seized my hand shaken it and was actually rushing off a thousand mon he said in quick rather hoarse accents i am bound on an errand of charity i must fulfil it it is getting late and i have very little time au i i will see you later on and away he went walking at an rapid rate and for the moment i was quite hurt at the entire want of he had shown with regard to s illness but i presently came to the conclusion that of course he could not be expected to feel as i felt about it and i resumed the nursing of m y own dismal mood in till i reached home where the work i had to do in part distracted me from my thoughts no one interrupted me did not come later on as he had said and i saw him no more that night towards bed time i got a from my father announcing that he would return home on the next day but one this news was some slight consolation to me as with his arrival i knew i should be released from many duties at the bank and so have more time to spend in s company yet nevertheless i remained in the same state of mental mingled with a certain vague and superstitious for when i went up to my bedroom and looked out at the skies before shutting the shutters i saw a dense black rain cloud creeping up from the western horizon and i at once took it as an ill omen to my own fortunes i watched it darkening the heavens slowly and out the stars and as i heard the wind beginning to moan softly among the near branches i murmured to myself almost les et les je un coin these lines worried me i could not imagine how they had managed to fix themselves in my i put them down to and her but all the same they made me wretched shivering with the chill the approaching storm was already sending through the air i closed my window went to bed and slept soundly peacefully and i remember it thus particularly because it was the last time i experienced the blessing of sleep the last the very last time i say i have not slept at all since then i have only dreamed x with the morrow s daybreak came a complete change in the weather a change that was infinitely dismal and dreary the bright sunshine that had been like god s best blessing on the world for the past two weeks disappeared as though it had never shone and rain fell in torrents a wild wind blew round and round the city in sweeping tearing off the delicate young leaves from their parent branches and making pitiful of all the sweet scented gaily coloured spring blossoms it was a miserable morning but in spite of wind and rain i started rather earlier than usual for the bank as my father having now signified the next day as the one of his certain return i was anxious he should and everything in the most absolute order on his arrival and thus be assured of my value not only as a good son but also as a thoroughly partner we were all up to our ears in work that day a great deal of extra business came in and the hours flew on so rapidly that it was past six o in the afternoon before i was released from my office bondage and even then i still had a good many matters to attend to when i got back to my own house i had no leisure to call at the de though i longed to know how was but i did not fret myself so greatly about that now as previously knowing that by the next noon my father would have arrived and that i should then have n y time very much more at my own disposal the rain still continued pouring fiercely very few people were abroad in the streets and though i took the part of the way home the few steps that remained between that vehicle and my own	33
door were sufficient to me through as soon as i got in i changed my clothes had my solitary dinner and ordered a small wood fire to be lit in the library whither i presently repaired with m papers and account books and was soon so busily engrossed that i almost forgot the storm that was raging without save in the intervals of work when i heard the rain beat in at the windows and the trees groan as they and swayed backwards and forwards in the increasing fury of the gale from the antique time piece that stood on an equally antique just behind me nine o clock struck with a loud and brazen and as it ceased i laid down my pen for a moment and listened to the deepening of the savage elements what a night i i thought a night for to stalk abroad and to ride through the air on how dull it is one must smoke to keep the damp away and i opened my cigar case i was just about to strike a light when i fancied i heard something like a faint very faint attempt to ring door bell i listened the same sound was repeated it was much too feeble to attract the attention of the servants below and as the library windows on the street and as i could by drawing aside the curtain a little generally see might ascend our steps i peeped out at first i could perceive nothing the night was so wet and dark but presently i discerned a slight shadowy figure huddled against the door as though itself from the pitiless rain some poor starving soul i who perhaps does not know where to turn in all paris for bread j ll see who it is w and acting on the impulse that moved me to be charitable to any unhappy creature in such a i crossed the passage softly and opened the door wide as i did so the figure started back in apparent fear it was a veiled woman and through the veil i felt her e es looking at me what is it i asked as gently as i could what do you want for all answer two hands were stretched towards me in wild appeal and a sobbing voice cried my god r seized by a mortal terror and with a effort as though i were dragging forth some drowning creature from the sea i caught her in my arms and almost lifted her across the threshold how i supported her whether i carried her or led her i never knew my senses were all in a whirl and i realized nothing distinctly till i had reached the library once more and placed her a shuddering drooping little creature in the arm chair i had but just near the fire then my dazed brain itself and i flung myself at her feet in an agony of alarm and suspense i whispered what is this why have you come here in such a storm of rain and wind tool and i took up the end of her dress and wrung it in my hands you are wet through my darling you frighten me are you ill has one been unkind to you she lifted her head and put back the close veil she wore and i uttered a cry at the pale misery on her fair fair young face no one has been unkind she said in a faint plaintive voice like the voice of one weakened by long suffering and i am not ill i want to speak to you i promised you that if i was very sad and troubled i would tell you everything and you said you would be gentle with me and would comfort me you remember now i have come to tell you something that must be told and to night is my only chance for they have gone papa and mamma to the theatre and i am all alone they wanted me to go with them but i begged them to leave me at home i felt that i must see you quite by yourself and tell you yes tell you everything a long shivering sigh escaped her lips and frozen to the very soul by a dim fear that i could not i rose from m kneeling position at her side and stood stiffly upright at first my only thought was for her a young girl coming alone to the house of her lover at night in a city like paris exposed herself or unconsciously to the and it was with this idea that i was chiefly occupied as i looked at her crouching form in the chair beside me i hastily considered the only possible risk she at present incurred namely that of being seen by our servants and made the subject of their idle gossip and i determined to this at any rate my little one i said gravely whatever it is you wish to tell me could you not have waited till i came to see you in the usual way you ought not to have flown hither so little bird you expose yourself to scandal scandal she echoed looking at me with a feverish light in her blue eyes it cannot say more evil of me than i deserve and i could not wait i have waited already far too long a great fell on my heart at these words my very lips grew cold and a tremor ran through me but nevertheless i resolved to carry out the notion i had of keeping this flight of hers a profound secret lor stay here i said as calmly as i could for the shaking dread that possessed me try to	33
get warm i will bring ou some wine take that wet cloak off and be quite quiet i will return immediately she looked after me with a sort of as i left her but i dared not meet her eyes there was an expression in them that terrified me i went as in a dream to the dining room got some wine and a glass carefully turned out the lights and then proceeded to the head of the stairs and called our man servant m tell them all down there that they can go to bed you can do the same i shall want nothing more tonight have locked the street door and the lamps are out in the dining room my father will be home to morrow so you will all have to be up early call me about seven do you hear m good night responded and i listened while he repeated my orders to the other servants i waited yet a few minutes and presently heard them preparing to ascend their own private to the top of the house where they each had their several rooms they were hard workers and were always glad of extra rest they would soon be sound asleep thank heaven they need know nothing satisfied that so far all was safe i stepped noiselessly back to the and entering closed and locked the door was sitting exactly in the same position her wet cloak still clinging round her her veil back her hands clasped and her eyes fixed on the red embers of the fire approaching i without a word loosened her cloak and took it off and hung it on the back of two chairs to dry i removed the little rain soaked hat from her tumbled curls and pouring out a glass of wine held it to her lips with a firm hand enough though god knows my heart was beating as though it would burst its prison drink this i said come you must drink it you are as cold as ice when you have taken it i will listen to to whatever you wish to say she obeyed me mechanically and managed to swallow half the contents of the glass then she put it away from her with a faint gesture of aversion i cannot drink it she faltered it seems to me i set it aside and looked at her waiting for her next words but no words came she fixed her large soft eyes upon me with the wistful entreaty of a hunted then suddenly the tears up into them and over and covering her face she broke into piteous and passionate sobbing every nerve in my body seemed to be and tortured by the sound i could not bear to see her in such grief and kneeling down beside her once more i put my arms round her and pressed her pretty head against mj breast but i did not kiss her some strange instinct held me back from that do not cry do not cry i implored rocking her to and fro as if she were a little tired child do not my darling it breaks my heart tell me what is the matter you are not afraid of me man are you hush hush to see you in such quite me it me do try to be calm you are quite safe with me no one will come near us no one knows you are here and i will take you home myself as soon as you are more tranquil there now you shall speak to me as long as you like shall tell me everything everything except that yo x do not love me any more with a faint exclamation and a sudden movement she loosened my arms from her waist and drew herself apart oh poor but that is just what i must tell you she sobbed oh forgive me forgive i have done you great wrong i have deceived you but oh do not be cruel to me though i am so cruel to you do not be cruel i cannot bear it will kill me i ought to have told you long ago but i was a coward i was afraid i am afraid still but i dare not hide the truth from you you must know everything i i do not love you i have never loved you as you ought to be loved i never knew the meaning of love till now till now what did these words imply i gazed at her in dumb blank amazement my brain seemed frozen i could not think i could not speak i only knew in a sort of dim indistinct way that she had removed herself from my embrace and that perhaps perhaps it was under the circumstances embarrassing to her to see me kneeling at her feet in such devout fashion when when she no longer loved me she no longer loved me i could not realize it and still less could i realize that she never had loved i got up slowly and stood beside her resting one arm on the my limbs shook and my head swam round and yet through all my bewilderment i was still conscious of her misery conscious of her tear spoilt eyes her white face and quivering lips and of the unutterable despair that made even her youthful features look drawn and old and out of very pity for her woe aspect i tried to master the sudden shock of unexpected wretch u that overwhelmed my soul i tried to speak my voice seemed gone and	33
it was only after one or two efforts that i managed to regain command of language this is strange news i i then said in hoarse unsteady accents very strange news you no longer love you have never loved me you never knew the meaning of love till now now pardon me if i do not understand i am no doubt dull of comprehension but such words from your lips sound terrible to me unreal impossible i must have been dreaming all this while for for you have seemed to love till now as you say till now she sprang from her chair and confronted me her hands extended as though in an agony of oh there is my worst sin she there is the treachery to you of which i have been guilty i have seemed to love you yes and it was wicked of me wicked but i have been blind and desperate and mad and i could see no way out of the evil i have brought upon myself no way but this to tell you all before it is too late to throw myself at your feet so and she flung herself wildly down before me to to you as i would pray to god to ask you to pardon me to have mercy upon me and above all other things to generously break the tie between lis to break it now at once and to let me feel that at least i am no longer your trust or your future by my fault of love for one who has grown dearer to me than you could ever be dearer than life itself dearer than honour dearer than my own sou s safety dearer than god she spoke with an almost intensity of passion and i looked at her where she crouched on th ground looked at her in a dull sick this child this playful pretty with time and the ill things of time was transformed from a mere charming gracefully frivolous girl she had developed into a wild tragedy queen and the change had been effected by what love love for what or whom not for not for me no for some one else who was that some one else this question asserted itself in my thoughts as the chief thing to be answered the vital poison of the whole bitter draught the final that was to complete the murder as i considered it a new and awful instinct rose up within me the thirst for revenge that in the soul of every man and beast the silently concentrated fury of the tiger that has lain so long in waiting for its prey that its brute patience is exhausted and involuntarily i clenched my hands and bit my lips hard in the sudden and eagerness that possessed me to know the name of my rival again i looked down on s slight shuddering figure and became conscious that she ought not to kneel there as a to me and stooping a little i held out my hand which she caught and kissed ah heaven how i trembled at that caressing touch rise i said trying to keep my voice steady rise do not be afraid i i think i understand i shall realize it all better presently perhaps you have never quite known how i have loved you with what passionate our with what tenderness and what you say to me now is a shock a cruel blow that will and ray whole life but one man s pain does not matter much does it come rise i beg of you and let me strive to get some clearer knowledge of this sad and unexpected change in your feelings you do not love me so j ou tell me and you never have love n f y u wn to having played the part o ing me but now you ask me to break the solemn tie between us because you love some one else have i understood you thus far correctly she had sunk back ag ain in the chair near the fire and her pale lips whispered a faint affirmative i waited a minute then i asked and who who is that some one else oh why should you know she exclaimed the tears filling her eyes again why should you even wish to know it is not needful it would only add to your cannot tell you i will not i laughed a low laugh of exceeding bitterness the notion of her keeping such a secret from me amused me in a vague dull way in my present humour i felt that i could have not only earth but heaven and hell together for that one name which would henceforth be to me the most hateful in the whole world but i forced myself to be gentle with her i even tried to persuade myself into the idea that she was perhaps a mere transient foolish into the tragic height of a serious love affair and i was under the influence of this impression when i spoke again listen you must not play with me any longer if you have played with me i can endure no more of it i must know who it is that has my place in affections do not try to conceal it from me it will only be doing an injury to yourself and to him is it some one you have met lately and is your love for him a mere sudden of fancy because if so let me	33
tell you it is not likely to last and so great and deep is my tenderness for you dear that i could even find it in my heart to have patience with this cruel caprice of your n s to have e to tb extent waiting till it passes as pass it i no love of lasting value was ever kindled with such suddenness as this fancy of ours had the famous lovers of not died they must have quarrelled your words your manner all spring from impulse not conviction and should be you yes actually your better nature if i were to hastily yield to your strange request and end the engagement between us wh should i end it for a wandering fitful that will no doubt die of itself as rapidly as it came into being no our contract is too solemn and too binding to be broken for a mere girlish whim but it must be broken she cried springing to her feet and me with a pale majesty of despair that moved me to vague awe it must be broken if i die to break it whim caprice do i look as if i were led by a can you not will you not understand me oh god i thought you were more merciful i have looked upon you as my only friend i knew you were the very soul of generosity and i have clung to the thought of your tenderness as my only chance of rescue i cannot i dare not tell them at home i am even afraid to meet oh only you can shield me from disgrace you can release me if you will and give me the chance of freedom in which to my fault y ou can you can do everything for me you can save me by one generous act our engagement and say to all the world that it is by our own mutual desire oh surely you can understand now j ou will not force me to confess all my shame all my shame those two words and the air grew suddenly black around me black p s then bright red rings swam before my eyes and i caught at something i know not what to save myself from falling a cold dew broke out on my brow and hands and i struggled for breath in deep panting conscious of nothing for the moment that she was there and that her wild eyes were fixed in wide upon me presently i heard her voice as in a dream cry out do not look like that oh god forgive me what have i done what have i done slowly the black mists cleared from my sight and i seemed to back to a sense of being what have you done i muttered hoarsely what have you done nothing but this ou have fallen from virtue to and you have killed me that is all that is what you have done that at last i understand at last she broke into a piteous sobbing but her tears had ceased to move me i sprang to her side i seized her arm now now quick i said the furious passion in my voice it to rough discord quick i can wait no longer the name the name of your she raised her eyes full of speechless alarm her lips moved but no sound issued from them there was a in my throat my heart leaped to and fro in my breast like a savage bird in a cage the wrath that possessed me was so strong and terrible that it made me for the moment a veritable madman oh speak i cried my grasp on her arm frail false fallen woman speak or i shall murder you the name the name half with the her terror she vainly strove to herself from my hold her head drooped on her bosom her eyes closed in the very languor of fear and her answering whisper stole on my strained sense of hearing like the last sigh of the dying i burst into wild laughter and flung her from mc with a gesture of fierce disdain the saint the angel the would be priest the man with the face divine detestable accursed liar smiling devil priest or no priest he should cross swords with me and thereby a great mystery presently not a church mystery but a god mystery the mystery of death he should die i swore if i in fair fight could kill him my friend the good fellow i had actually he he had made of the wrecked thing she was ah heaven a wild impulse seized me to rush out of the house and find him wherever he might be to drag him from the very church altar if he dared to such a place b his presence and make him then and there answer with his life for the evil he had done my face must have expressed my raging thoughts for suddenly a vision crossed my dazed and aching the figure of grown stately terrible imperial as any ruined queen you shall not harm him she said in low thrilling tones of suppressed passion and fear you shall not touch a hair of his head to do him wrong i will prevent you ii i would give my life to shield him from a moment s pain and you dare j ou dare to think of him oh yes i read you through and	33
through you have reason i know to be cruel and you may kill me it you like but not him not told you that i love him love him i him i have sacrificed everything for his sake could i sacrifice more than every thing i would do it i would bum in hell for ever could be sure that he was safe and happy in heaven she looked at me her eyes full of a mournful exaltation her breath coming and going rapidly between her parted lips i met her glance with an amazed scorn and hurled the bitter truth like of ice upon the heat of her impetuous oh spare me your i cried and spare yourself some of shame do not boast of your as though it were virtue do not forth your criminal pa as though it were a glory i heaven and hell of which you talk so lightly may be positive and awful facts after all and not mere names to swear by and to one or the other of them our lover shall go be assured and that speedily he shall die for his treachery he shall die i say if the sword of honour can rid the world of so and a liar xl as i uttered these words sternly and a change passed over her face she seemed for the moment to grow rigid with the sudden excess of her fear then she threw herself once more on her knees at my feet have a little mercy she implored think of my deep m utter humiliation is it so much that i ask of you after all to break an engagement with a wretched sinful girl who has proved herself unworthy of you oh for god s sake set me free and we will go away from paris i and far far away to some distant land where we shall be forgotten where the memory of us need trouble you no more listen to your noble nature and generous heart even as i have done he believes that you will have pity upon us both we loved each other from the first could we help that love could we help it i told you i never knew what love was till now and that is true i was so young i never thought i should know such desperate joy such terrible misery such madness such such despair it seems that i have fallen into some great river that carries me along with it against my will i know not where i have deceived you i know and i pray yo pardon for that deceit but oh be pitiful be pitiful it cannot hurt you to be generous if you ever loved me try to forgive me now i looked down upon her in silence there was a in my brows a cold chill at my he rt she seemed removed from me by distance she the once innocent child the pretty graceful all sweetness and purity what was she now nothing but the toy of no more she had entered the melancholy ranks of the ruined even she de only daughter of one of the in france i shuddered and an involuntary groan escaped my lips clasping her hands she raised them to me in fresh entreaty you will be gentle you will have mercy the of my nerves relaxed the moisture of tears blinded my eyes and i gave vent to a long and bitter sigh give me time i answered give me time you ask much of me and i have never like your lover played the part of saint or angel i am nothing but a man with all a man s passions roused to their sense of wrong do not expect from me more than man s strength is capable of and i have loved you my god how i have loved you far far more than you ever guessed i my love was set upon you i would not have wronged you by so much as one thought you were to me more sacred than the virgin s statue in her golden nook at you were my god s light on earth my lily of heaven my queen my life my eternity my all and my voice trembled more and more as she hid her face in her hands and wept alas you cannot realize what you have done not yet you cannot in the blindness of your passion see how the world will slowly close upon you like a dark prison wherein to in tears and pain your sin you do not yet comprehend how the kindly faces you have known from childhood will turn from you in grief and scorn how friends will shrink from and avoid you and how desolate your days will be too desolate for even your s love to cheer for love that begins in crime ends in destruction its evil on the heads of those that have yielded to its tempting a ad thinking of this i can pity you pity you more aye a thousand times more than i should pity you if you were dead i i would rather you had died unhappy child than lived to be she made no reply but still covered her face and still wept on and my nerves i bent down and raised her by gentle force from the ground the clock struck eleven as i did so she had been two hours with me it was full time she should return as quickly	33
me if you will god make you kind to me and with a faint sobbing sigh she waved her hand feebly in farewell and entering the great gates glided round among the trees of the garden and like a flitting phantom disappeared left alone i stood on the pavement like one in a dazed dream the icy rain beat upon me the wild gale tore at me and i was not clearly conscious of either or wind once i stared up at the black sky where the clouds were chasing each other in heaps of rapid and dark confusion and in that one glance the lightning truth seemed to flash upon me with more deadly than ever the truth that for me the world was at an end i life and the joys and hopes and that make life desirable all these were over there was nothing left for me to do but to drag on in sick and dull monotony the mechanical business of the daily routine of waking eating drinking sleeping a mere preservation of existence when existence had for ever lost its charm i was roused from my condition by the noise of wheels and looking up saw the de carriage coming he and his wife were returning from the theatre and in case they should perceive me outside their house where i still lingered i strode swiftly away neither knowing nor caring in which direction i bent my steps presently i found mj self on the familiar route of the the trees there were tossing their branches wildly and groaning at the pitiless destruction upon their tender spring by the cruel blast and weary in body and mind i sat down on one of the more sheltered seats utterly regardless of the fact that i was wet through and shivering and tried to come to some sort of understanding with myself concerning the disaster that had befallen me and as i thought one by one of the various dreams of ecstasy bright moments and love days that had lately been mine i am not ashamed to say that i shed tears a man may weep when he is alone surely i and i wept for the bitterest loss the human soul can ever know the loss of love and the loss of good faith in the honour of men and women the slow drops that blinded my sight were hot as fire they burned my eyes as they forth and my throat ached with the pain of them but in a certain measure they helped to clear and calm my brain the storm of worm wood wrath and sorrow in my mind itself by degrees and i was able to realize not only the extent of my own grief but also that of the unhappy girl whom over and over again i had sworn i would die to serve poor poor how ill she looked how pale how sad poor little child for she was not much more than a child and thinking of her youth her and her unutterable misery my heart softened more and more towards her she loved loved her they were both young both beautiful and they had not been strong enough to resist the attraction of each other s they had they had fallen they were ashamed they repented they sought my pardon and i should i withhold it or should i like a brave man make light of my own wrong my own and heap coals of upon their heads by my free forgiveness my aid to help them out of the evil plight into which they had wandered i asked myself this question many times i now understood the strange of on that night when he had asked me whether i could forgive him if he had greatly i his conscience had tormented him all through he had surely suffered as well as i pressing one hand hard over my eyes and choking back those foolish tears of mine i strove to consider the whole wretched story from the most merciful point of view possible bo my nature i had been brought up under my father s care on lines of broad thought strict honour and practical not philosophy his chief idea of living nobly being this to do good always when good could be done and when not at any rate to refrain from doing evil if i believed in these at all now surely was the time to act upon them i could never win back s love that had been stolen or else had gone of its own free will to my rival but i had it in my power to make her happy and respected once more how nothing was easier in the first place i would go to the good and tell him all the truth in confidence i would ask him to see that the of marriage was performed at once between his nephew and secretly i would aid the wedded lovers with money should they require it to leave paris immediately and when once their departure was safely assured i would break the whole thing to the de and accept whatever wrath he choose to display on my own devoted head thus i should win s eternal gratitude her parents would in time become reconciled to their change of a son in law and all would be well i on y i would be the lasting sufferer i but should not a true man be ready and willing to sacrifice himself if by so doing he can render the one woman he loves in all the world happy still on the other hand there was the more natural plan of	33
vengeance one word to s father and she would be and disgraced beyond recall i could then challenge and do my best to kill him in which effort i should most probably succeed and so bring misery on poor old and his simple folk in i could do all this and yet after all was done i myself should be as wretched as ever i i thought and thought i pondered till my brows ached the good and the evil side of my nature fought desperately together while my consciousness like a separate watchful person apart seemed totally unable to decide which would win it was a sore contest the struggle of the elements around me was not more fierce than the struggle in my own tormented soul but through all the plaintive voice of whom i still loved alas rang in my ears with that last sobbing cry pity me god make you kind to me till gradually very gradually i won the mastery over my darker passions won it with a sense of warm triumph such as none can understand save him that has been tempted and has steadily overcome temptation i resolved that i would save from the consequences of her rash blind error and so at any rate be at peace with the eternal witness of heaven and my own conscience this i decided finally and to pursue my plan for the re establishment of the honour and safety of the woman who trusted me the very first thing the next day and i would say nothing to any one not even to my father till my work of forgiveness and help was carried out and completed beyond recall here let me pause do you understand you you are that read these pages do you thoroughly understand my meaning if not let me impress it upon you plainly once and for all for i would not have the wits me at this of time i had absolutely made up my mind mark you to do my best for her who had played me false absolutely and for i loved her in spite of her treachery i cared to be remembered in her prayers i who in the hot of my adoration for her beauty had declared that i would die for her was now willing to carry out that vow to die to crush all my own and desires for her sake that all might be well with her in days present and to come remember i was willing and not only willing but ready not because i seek pity from you do i ask it world s pity is a weak thing that none but need i only want justice aye if it be but the mere glimmering justice of your comprehension g ive me enough of it to grasp this one fact namely that on the night of the bitterest suffering of my life the night on which i learned my own i had prepared myself to forgive the unhappy child who had wronged me as freely as entirely as i then hoped before god to be in my turn forgiven i m i do not know how long i sat on that seat in the with the rain beating down upon me the desperate conflict i had had with my own self had rendered me insensible to the flight of time so was i with outward cold and inward misery so utterly blind to all external surroundings that i was as startled as though a pistol shot had been fired close to me when a hand fell on my shoulder and a harsh half laughing voice by all the gods and as a caught rat in a housekeeper s what the devil are you doing here at this time of night mon f you with at your command and good luck its honey dew persistently on your selected fortunate head what may be your object in thus with the elements and striving to match them groan for groan for by my faith i can hardly believe that this soaked and dripping bundle of good clothes spoilt is actually yourself i looked up forced a smile and held out my hand i recognized the speaker indeed he was too remarkable a character in his way to be for an instant mistaken all paris knew a poor wretch of an artist who painted pictures that were too extraordinary and for any respectable to buy and who out a bare living by his sketches in black and white of all the noted e and in the city his clad in its and garb was familiar to every of the and in truth it was eccentric enough to attract the most casual stranger s attention his pinched and legs were covered with the possible trousers which by frequent turning up to make the best of the worn ends had now become so short for him that they left almost a quarter of a yard of red exposed to view his thin jacket the only one he had for both winter and summer was tightly across his chest to conceal the lack of the long ago waistcoat a collar with very large soiled ends round his throat relieved by a brilliant strip of red flannel which served as tie he kept his hair long in strict to true artistic tradition and on these half grey always disordered locks he wore a very battered hat of the shape which had been many times over to hide its antique and which he took the greatest pains to set on one side to suggest as he once explained indifference to the world and gay carelessness as to the world s opinions unlucky devil	33
i had always pitied him from my heart and many a twenty piece of mine had found its way into his pocket a cruel fate had bestowed on him genius without common sense and the perfectly natural result of such an was that he starved he was full of good and even fine ideas there were times when he seemed to sparkle all over with felicity of wit and poetry of expression many men liked him and not only liked him but strove to assist him without ever succeeding in their charitable for was one of creation s neither money nor advice ev r him one give him the commission to paint a picture and be would produce a canvas too big for anything but a cathedral and on that canvas he would the personages themselves in such a frail manner that the intending withdrew his patronage in shuddering haste and alarm and fled without leaving so much as the of a behind thus the poor fellow w as always unfortunate and when taken to task and told that his ill luck was entirely his own fault he would assume an air of the most bewilderment you me he would say you really me i am not to blame if these people who want to buy pictures have no taste i cannot paint dutch the waiting to be on the table the fat old woman cutting for the pot the gentleman with a perpetual cold in his head who over a to warm his aged nose while a dog and two gazed up at his wrinkled hands this is not in my line i can only produce grand art classical subjects in her brazen tower and the of with or the triumphs of i cannot descend to the level of ordinary vulgar minds let me be poor let me starve but let me keep my artistic conscience a grateful posterity may recognize what this frivolous age such was the man who now stood before me like a gaunt in the rain his dull peering eyes brightening into a faint interest as he fixed them on mine his face the surprise and curiosity at meeting me out there at night and in such weather and i could not at once master my voice sufficiently to answer him he waited one or two minutes and then clapped me again on the shoulder have you lost your speech or your or your courage or what you look ill will you take my arm there was a friendly solicitude about him that touched me another time i might have hesitated to be seen with such an figure as he was he whose mock tragic manner and style of walk had been and at by all the little of paris but the hour was late and i felt so utterly wretched so thrown out as it were from all sympathy so destitute of all hope that i was glad of even this forlorn s company and i therefore took his proffered arm an arm the very bone of which i could feel sharply through the thin worn sleeve i am rather out of my usual line i then said striving to make light of my condition sitting out in the rain on a dreary night like this is certainly not amusing but when one is in trouble trouble ah exclaimed lifting his disengaged hand it and shaking it at the frowning sky with a defiant air trouble is the fishing net of the amiable deity up yonder whom none of us can see and whom few of us want to know down it drops that big black net out of the clouds quite unexpectedly and we are all dragged into it struggling and for dear life just like the helpless fish we ourselves delight to catch and kill and cook and we are all little gods down here each in our own way and the great one above if there is one can only be an enlarged pattern of our for according to the bible he made us in his own image and so you are caught mon ami that is bad but let me not forget to mention that there are a few large holes in the net through which those that have gold about them can easily slip and escape f i poor he like all hungry folk imagined money to be a cure for every evil my good fellow i said gently there are some that can follow and to the very death even among his bags of i begin to think poverty is one of the least of human misfortunes absolutely you are right declared with an air of triumph it is a sort of thing you so soon get accustomed to it sits upon one like an old coat you cease to desire a dinner if you never have it it is quite extraordinary how the suits itself to circumstances and puts up with a cigar at twenty instead of a for one the is actually not missed and what a number of remarkable cases we have had shown to us lately in the field of science of men existing for a long period of time without any nourishment save water i have been deeply interested in that subject i believe in the system thoroughly i have tried it for my own amusement of course yes i have tried it for several days together i find it answers very well it is apt to make one feel quite light upon one s feet almost in fact and ready to fly as if one were most curious and charming my heart smote me the man was starving and my purse as full i pressed	33
his meagre arm more closely and for the time forgot my own sorrows in consideration for his needs let us go and sup somewhere i said hastily any place near at hand will do a basin of hot soup will take off the chill of this i am positively wet through you are mon ami that is a lamentable fact rejoined and apart from the condition of those excellent clothes of yours which are ruined i regret to observe you will most likely wake up to morrow with a violent cold and a cold is not becoming it spoils the face of even a pretty woman so that if you really believe the hot soup will be to you as far as i am concerned i find the cold water nourishment singularly agreeable why i will escort you to a very decent where you can procure a really superb superb i assure you i have often the of it en i and his steps unconsciously out of the mere natural impulse of the craving he could not quite repress he walked with me out of the and across the place de la thence over one of the bridges the and so on till we reached a dingy little building in a side street over which in faded paint was inscribed grand pour le the glass doors were shut and draped with red curtains through which the interior lights flung a comfortable glow on the and pointed to this with the most fervent admiration what a charm there is about the colour red he exclaimed it is so suggestive of warmth and brilliancy it is positively fascinating and in my great picture of chasing i should be almost tempted to use folds of red were it not for the strict necessity of keeping the figures but the idea of a god fills me with horror as well paint adam and eve adorned with fig leaves before the fall that is what a contemporary of mine has just done ha ha before the fall excellent ah very amusing opening the doors he beckoned me to follow i did so half mechanically my only idea for the moment being that he should get a good meal for once i knew that i myself would not be able to taste anything there were only two or three people in the place a solitary waiter whom i had perceived his hair carefully in the background came forward to receive instructions and cleared a table for us in a rather retired comer where we at once sat down i then ordered soup and whatever else was ready to be had hot and while lifted his hat and placed it on a convenient nail above him using so much precaution in this action that i suppose he feared it might come to pieces in his hands then running his fingers through his locks he rested his elbows comfortably on the table and surveyed me he said i feel as if there were a new bond between us i always liked you as you know but you were removed from me by an immense gulf of difference this difference being that you were never in trouble and i as you must be aware always was and s am but do not imagine that it is pleasant to me to see you fish like on the hon s sharp hook of calamity au it infinitely me but still if anything can make men brothers it is surely a joint in woe all the same and he lowered his voice a little i am sincerely sorry to find you so cast down i i made a mute sign of gratitude he was looking at me intently his beard the while nothing wrong he hinted delicately after a pause my good nothing i am glad of he rejoined for naturally i could be no sort of service to you in any question of cash a money difficulty always appeals to me in i but for any private vexation of a purely and yet excessively nature i think i forced a smile indeed he nodded gravely and his eyes dilated with a certain peculiar bright that i and others had often noticed in them whenever the mad painter as he was sometimes called was about to be more than usually eloquent for the heart s wide wounds which for the grief of a lost love which can never be regained he said slowly and for the sting of remorse and the of conscience for all these and more than these i can find a remedy for the poison of memory i can provide an a blessed that the wronged spirit into total forgetfulness of its injury and opens before the mind a fresh and wondrous field of vision where are found glories that the world knows nothing of and for the enjoyment of which a man might be well content to starve and suffer and sacrifice everything even love his harsh voice had grown musical a faint smile rested on his thin pale lips and i gazed at him in vague surprise and curiosity what are you about now i asked half what magic thus your enthusiasm he made no answer as just then the supper arrived and rousing himself quickly as from a reverie his eyes lost their light and all his interest became in the food before him poor fellow how he ate reluctance yet lingering over every morsel how he the waiter for not bringing him a how he complained of the wine being and how thoroughly he enjoyed playing the part of a fastidious and fine gentleman my share in the was a mere pretence and he perceived this though he refrained from	33
any comment upon my behaviour while the meal was yet in progress but as soon as it was ended and he was smoking the i had offered him he leaned across the table and addressed me once more in a low confidential tone you have eaten nothing i sighed impatiently man have no appetite yet you are wet through you shiver i shrugged my shoulders i you will not even smoke to oblige you i will and i opened my case of and lit one forthwith hoping by this to satisfy his anxiety on my behalf but he rose suddenly saying no word to me and crossing over to where the waiter stood talked with him very earnestly and emphatically for a minute or two then he returned leisurely to his seat opposite me and i looked at him what have you been ordering a no what then oh nothing only i echoed do you like that stuff his eyes opened wide and flashed a strangely piercing glance at me like it i love it i and you i have never tasted it never tasted it exclaimed you a born and bred have never tasted i smiled at his excitement never i have seen others it often but i have not liked the look of it somehow a repulsive colour to me that green he laughed a trifle nervously and his hand trembled but he gave no immediate reply for at that moment the waiter placed b of the drink in question on the table together with the usual supply of water and carefully preparing and stirring the mixture filled the glasses to the brim and pushed one across to me i made a faint sign of he laughed again in apparent amusement at my hesitation by and and all the dear old heathen who are such remarkably convenient to take one s oath upon he said i hope you will not compel me to consider you a fool what an idea that is of yours green i think of melted instead there beside you you have the most marvellous cordial in all the world drink and you will find your sorrows yourself transformed even if no better result be obtained than escaping from the chill you have incurred in this night s heavy that is surely something life without i cannot imagine it for me it would be impossible i should hang drown or shoot myself into out of sheer rage at the continued cruelty and injustice of the world but with this divine of i can defy misfortune and laugh at poverty as though these were the merest f come to your health mon brave drink with me he raised his glass glimmering in the light his words his manner fascinated me and a curious thrill ran through my veins there was something in his expression too as though the skeleton of the man had become suddenly visible beneath its covering as though death had for a moment peered through the veil of life i fixed mj eyes on the pale green liquid whose praises he thus sang had it indeed such a potent charm would it still the dull aching at my heart the throbbing in my temples the sick weariness and contempt of living that had laid hold upon me like a fever since i knew was no longer my own would it give me a brief from the inner fret of thought it might and slowly lifting the glass to my lips i tasted it it was very bitter and and i made a face of disgust as i set it down the watchful touched my arm again he whispered eagerly with a strange smile once again it is like vengeance bitter at first but sweet at last mon if ou were not as i see you are a prey to affliction i would not offer you the knowledge of this sure consolation for he that is not sad needs no comfort but supposing i only guess of course supposing your mind to be by the ever present memory of some wrong some injury some treachery even some love why then i fail to see why you should continue to suffer when the remedy for all such suffering is here and he the contents of his own glass with an air of almost inspired ecstasy i looked at him an odd sensation was in my blood as though it had been suddenly touched by an inward fire you mean to tell me i said that which i have heard spoken of as the curse of paris is a cure for all human ills that it will not only ward off physical cold from the body but keep out haunting trouble from the mind mon ami you such a thing is not possible if it could mad passion if it could kill love if it could make of my heart a stone instead of a tortured substance there forgive me i am talking at random of i know not what i have been cruelly betrayed and i wish to god i could forget my my words had broken from me involuntarily and he heard them with an attentive expression of amiable half melancholy solicitude but in reply he pointed to the glass beside me drink he said drink well why not i could see no earthly reason for hesitating over such a trifle i would taste the again i thought if only to satisfy my companion and i at once did so heavens it was now delicious to my exquisitely fine and delicate as and in my amazement i swallowed half the readily conscious of a new and delightful sense of warmth and comfort	33
my whole system i felt that observed me intently and meeting his gaze i smiled you are quite right i told him the second trial is the test of it is excellent and without taking any more thought as to what i was doing i finished the entire draught re lit my which had gone out and began to smoke while re filled my glass now you will soon be a man again he exclaimed to the devil with all the of life say i you are too well off in this world s goods mon to allow yourself to be seriously worried about anything and i am truly glad i have persuaded ou to try my favourite remedy for the of fortune because i like you moreover to speak frankly i owe you several excellent dinners the one of tonight being particularly welcome in spite of what i said in favour of the cold water nourishment and the only good i can possibly do you in return for your many acts of friendship is to introduce you to the a glass of taken is sufficient to cause temporary delirium fairy with the green eyes as this exquisite has been termed it is a charming fairy one wave of the and sorrow is conveniently i let him run on i myself was too comfortable to speak i watched the smoke of ray curling up to the ceiling in little dusky wreaths they seemed to take of colour as they twisted round and round and melted away a period of sudden and complete repose had been granted to me i had ceased to think of of l or of any one incident of my life or surroundings all my interest was in those rising and disappearing smoky rings i drank more with increasing satisfaction and previous to it i had been faint and cold and shivering now i was thoroughly warm agreeably languid and a trifle sleepy i heard talking to me now and then there were moments when he seemed to become energetic in his of something or somebody but his voice sounded far off like a voice in a dream and i paid very little heed to him only nodding occasionally whenever he appeared to expect an answer i was in that condition of mind common to certain phases of when the is apt to think he is thinking though really no distinctly thought is possible to his and brain yet i understood well enough what said about love he got on that subject heaven knows how and launched against it an shower of what a fool a man is he exclaimed to let himself be made a slave for life all for the sake of a pretty face that in time is bound to grow old and ugly love is only a hot impulse of the blood and like any other fever can be cooled and kept down easily if one tries it is a starving sort of too does not get fat on it love both soul and body but hate on the contrary i must confess that for my own part i have no sympathy with a lover but i e a good to hate well is the most manly of attributes for there is so much in the world that merits so little that is worthy of love as for women we begin our by believing them to be angels but we soon find out what painted smiling they all are at heart at least all i have ever met i swear to you i have never known a good woman i sighed gently and smiled and you he demanded eagerly a vision of a pure pale proud face set like a classic in a frame of golden hair and lightened into life by the steady brilliancy of two calm star splendid eyes flashed suddenly across my mind almost against my will and i replied half one woman i know both fair and wise and also i think good you laughed with a touch of in his manner you only think you do not fear yes i say fear fear her man ami if she is truly good for as sure as death the time will come when she will shame ou there is no man pure enough to look upon the face of an innocent woman and not know himself to be at heart a villain i smiled again what foolish fancies the fellow had to be sure he on more or less while i sank deeper and deeper into a of indolent reverie i was roused at last however by the respectful appeals of the tired who mildly suggested that we should now take our leave as it was past midnight and they were desirous of closing the i got up paid the reckoning tipped our yawning attendant handsomely and walked or rather out of the place arm in arm with my companion who as soon as he found himself in the open street exposed once more to the furious rain which poured down as incessantly as ever fell to the elements in the most terms he exclaimed what abominable weather to the constitution of a gentleman only rats cats and should be abroad on such a night and yet i i the painter in france with any genius am actually compelled to walk home what vile injustice you are more fortunate god or the gods will permit you to drive the is at your service for one twenty the de place for two fifty which will you choose though the hour is so late that it is possible the brave may not be even when called and he to the edge of the and looked up and	33
down the nearly deserted street i watching him curiously the while an odd calmness possessed me some previously active motion in my brain seemed suddenly stopped and i was vaguely interested in trifles for instance there was a little pool in a hollow of the pavement at my feet and i found myself counting the big that into it with the force of small falling pebbles then a certain change in the face of excited my attention his es were so brilliant that for the moment their lustre gave him a sort of haggard dare devil beauty that though wild and starved and faded was yet strangely picturesque i studied him coldly for a little space then moved close up to him and slipped a twenty piece into his hand his fingers closed on it instantly drive home yourself mon if you can get a carriage i said as for me i shall walk let the rich man while the beggar rides laughed his gold coin without remark he would have considered any expression of gratitude in the worst possible taste that is exactly what all the disappointed folk here below expect to do after death to ride in and six round heaven and look down at their enemies walking the miles in hell what a truly christian hope is it not and so you will positively invite another so then will i i can change my clothes when i get home unfortunate devil he had no clothes to change i knew that well enough his road lay in an entirely different direction from mine so i bade him good night you are a different man now are you not he said as he shook hands the green fairy has cured you of your mind s was my mind i indifferently wondering as i spoke why the lately incessant in my brain was now so stunned and still i forget but i suppose it was anyhow whatever was the matter with me i am now quite myself again he laughed wildly good i am glad of that i as for me i am never myself i am always somebody else droll is it not the fact is and he lowered his voice to a confidential whisper i have had a singular experience in my life altogether rare and remarkable i have killed myself and attended my own funeral yes truly candles priests black well fed long horses la no of el au understand my corpse was in an open l have a curious objection to shut up open to the night it lay with the stars staring down upon it it had a young face then and one might easily believe that it had also had fine eyes i chose white for the wreath just over the heart they are charming flowers full of delicately suggestive do you not find and the long procession to the grave was followed by the weeping crowds of paris dead they cried our the of france oh it was a rare sight man ami never was there such grief in a land before i wept myself for sympathy with my countrymen i drew aside till all the flowers had been thrown into the open grave for i was the you must remember i waited till the wai deserted and in darkness and then i made haste to bury myself the earth over my dead j ck se and fast it well and treading it down the of france there he lay i thought and there he might remain so far as i was concerned he was only a genius and as such was no earthly use to anybody good bye and good i said as i hurried away from that and became from henceforth somebody else and do you know i infinitely prefer to be somebody else it is so much less troublesome these strange sentences off his lips with impetuous rapidity his voice had a strained piteous pathos in it mingled with scorn and the intense light in his eyes deepened to a sort of fiery fury from which i involuntarily his of mad painter never seemed so entirely suited to him as now but mad or not mad he was quick enough to perceive the instinctive shrinking movement and laughing again he again shook my hai c lifted his battered hat with an excessive and breaking into the most worm wood h flown expressions of french courtesy bade me once more farewell watched him walking along in his customary half half tragic style till he had disappeared round a corner like a fantastic vanishing in a nightmare and then then as though a flash of blinding fire had crossed my sight it suddenly became clear to my mind what he had done for me as i realized it i could have shouted aloud in the semi delirium of feverish that burnt my brain that subtle clinging to my that creeping drop by drop through my veins i knew what it was at last the first of another life the slow but sure of a strange and deadly bitterness into my blood which once absorbed must and would cling to me for ever i had heard the name used sometimes contemptuously sometimes it meant oh so much and like charity covered such a multitude of sins on what a fine hair s breadth of chance or opportunity one s destiny hangs after all to think of that miserable being an instrument of fate seemed absurd a starved and a mere fool and yet yet my casual meeting with him had been fore doomed it had given the devil time to do good	33
work to virtue in a breath and up vice from the dead ashes to turn a feeling heart to stone and to make of a man a i xiii i went home that night not to sleep but to dream to dream with eyes wide open and senses conscious i knew i was in my own room and on my own bed i could almost count the little of light in the pale glow flung by the flickering against the wall and ceiling i could hear the muffled of the clock in my f s chamber next to mine but though these every day impressions were distinct and fully i was still away from them all far far away in a shadowy land of strange surprises and miraculous events a land where beauty and terror ecstasy and horror divided the time between them i was a prey to the most singular sensations that curious stillness in my brain which i had previously felt without being able to had given place to a busy swift motion like the beat of a rapid and by degrees as this something swung to and fro its seemed to enter into and possess every part of my body my heart bounded to the same quick time my nerves my blood hurled itself so to speak through my veins like a torrent and i lay staring at the white ceiling above me and vaguely wondering at all the sights i saw and the scenes in which i as a sort of personality took active part without stirring here for instance was a field of scarlet i walked among them the strong of their fragile leaves they blazed vividly against the sky and nodded to and fro in the languid u wind and between their brilliant clusters lay the dead i bodies of men with ghastly wounds in their hearts and fragments of swords and guns in their hands while round about them were strewn torn flags and broken a battle has been lately fought i mused as i passed this is what some folks call the field of honour and might has gotten the victory over right as it ever does and as it ever will and the wave and the birds sing and th men who have given their lives for truth and loyalty s sake lie here to in the earth forgotten and so the world on from day to day and hour to hour and yet people of a god of justice what next in the moving of vision what next the sound of a sweet song sung at midnight and lo the moon is there full round and warm grand grey towers and palaces rise about me on all sides and out on that yellow glittering water rests one solitary black as a floating yet holding light she that fair in white robes with bosom bare to the moon rays she with her wicked laughing eyes and jewel is she not beautiful wanton enough for at least one hour s joy hark she sings and the tremulous richness of her in accord with her voice across the bright dividing wave mon les du vent d t un de i charm par des roses de mai sur les du men aim i listen in dumb when all at once the moon a loud clap of thunder through earth and heaven the lightning t and i am alone in darkness and in storm alone yet not alone for there gliding before me in phantom shape i see her thin garments wet her dark locks and dripping her blue eyes fixed and but yet she smiles i a strange sad smile she waves her hand and passes strive to follow but some imperative force holds me back i can only look after her and wonder why those drops of moisture cling so heavily to her gown and hair she good now i am at peace again i can watch to my content those little leaping that sparkle round me in wreaths of exquisitely brilliant green can think no sooner did this idea of thought force itself upon me than it became an urgent and necessity and i strove to steady that whirling wheel in my brain and compass it to some fixed end but it was like a perpetually shaken always forming itself into a new pattern before one had time to resolve the first though this was odd and in a manner it did not distress me at all i patiently endeavoured to set my wits in order with that peculiar pleasure many persons find in arranging a scientific puzzle and by degrees arrived at a clear understanding with myself and gained a full comprehension of my own intentions and now my intelligent perception became as exact and as it had been before and confused found i had acquired new force new logic new views of principle and i was able to turn over quite quietly in my mind de yes was the word there was no other and for her sin she had not the shadow of an excuse and was a liar and traitor he justly the punishment due to such what a fool i had been to entertain for a moment the idea of forgiveness i what a piece of wretched it would be on my part to actually put up with my own and aid to make my happy such an act might suit the of a saint but it would not suit ine i was no saint i was a deeply wronged man and was i to have no for my	33
wrong the more i dwelt upon this sense of deadly injury the more my inward resentment asserted itself and gathered strength and i laughed aloud as i remembered what a soft hearted i had been before before i had learned the wisdom of oh wonderful it had given me courage ferocity stern resolve justice and the silly plan i had previously devised for the benefit of the two miserable who had made so light of my love and honour was now completely altered and reversed glorious what is it the poet sings le on se un son en true enough son en why not all things are possible to it can accomplish more marvellous deeds than its of it can kindness kill all gentle emotions and rouse in a man the spirit of a beast of prey the furious passions of a savage with the of a visionary wake together at its touch and he who it deeply and often becomes a brute poet a god a thing for angels to wonder at and devils to rejoice in and such an one am i who is there living that can make me regret a single evil deed i have committed or prove to me at all satisfactorily that my deeds are evil no one has for his friend and boon companion has made an end of conscience and for this blessing at should thank the dreadful unseen gods and while we are about it let us not forget to thank the fine science of to day for we have learnt beyond a doubt have we not that we are merely physical of being that we have nothing purely spiritual or god born in us and thus this conscience that is so much talked about is nothing after all but a particular balance or condition of the grey brain matter moreover it is in our own power to alter that balance to reverse that condition and this once done shall we not be more at peace knowing the times to be evil why should we weary ourselves with striving after imaginary good the mind that high thought and plans of lofty action is deemed more or less it is exalted foolishly imaginative so say the of the world who with bitter words and chill satire make a jest of their best poets and their noblest men come then o ye great of the better life come sweet singers of divine things in come ye passionate who strive to break open the gates of heaven with purest sound i come teachers and all re set the wrong and silly balance of your brains reverse the inner dial of your lives as i have done steep your fine feelings in the pale green fire that the soul and make of yourselves the languid yet ferocious brutes of paris whose ferocity born of poison yet leaves them slaves the night of vision past i arose from my bed i back as it were out of a devil s and faced god s morning it was the day of my father s expected return from england and i surveyed myself curiously in the mirror to see if there was anything strange or unsettled in my looks no my own reflection showed me ing but a rather pale countenance and brilliant eyes i dressed with more than usually care and while i took my early coffee wrote the following lines to i know all to your treachery there can he hut one answer i give you to day to make your to morrow at whatever time and place i shall choose of which i will inform you through my seconds you will meet me unless as is you are coward as well as liar i sealed this and with it in my hand forth to the house of the cure m the day was chill and cloudy but the rain had entirely ceased and the lately boisterous wind had sunk to a mere cold breeze i walked leisurely my mind was so thoroughly made up as to my course of action that i felt no more excitement about the matter the only thing that amused me now and then and forced a laugh from me as i went was the remembrance of that absurd idea i had indulged in on the previous night namely that of actually the vile injury done to me and myself to make the parties happy that would be playing christianity with a vengeance what a ridiculous notion it now seemed and yet i had felt so earnestly about it then that i had even shed tears to think of s wretchedness well it was a weakness and it was past and i arrived at m s abode in a perfectly placid and settled humour the good cure owned one of those small houses with gardens which in paris or near it are getting every year a cottage like habitation with a moss green set entirely round it and two neatly trimmed flower beds the grass in front i knocked at the door and old opened it her sharp black es surveyed me with complete astonishment at first she was evidently cross about something or other for her smile was not encouraging wi m she observed setting her arms what can one do for you at this early hour in the morning not eight o clock yet and m is at mass service and his breakfast is not yet prepared and what should be do with visitors before noon all this and with impatience tut you must not look upon me as a visitor i said quietly my errand is soon done this and i held out my	33
sealed up challenge is for m for m she exclaimed with a toss of her head and a quivering of her nostrils which always rising temper best send it after him then i he is not here any longer he is gone gone i echoed gone gone yes and why should he not go if you please she inquired j have had enough of him he is as difficult to please as an english and he has no more heart than a bad i have been as kind to him as his own mother could have been and yet away he went last night without a thank you for my trouble he left ten on my table what is ten when one wants a kind word and m is for the loss of his company like a cat for a drowned i was so confounded by this unexpected turn to affairs that for a moment i knew not what to say where has he gone i asked presently in a faint unsteady voice back to of course where else should such a pretty babe be wanted his father has met with a dangerous accident a horse kicked him i believe anyhow he is thought to be dying and the precious was for in haste and as i tell you he left last night without a word or a look or a to me me who have worked for him and waited upon him like a slave ah the wicked ingratitude of the young to the old i looked at her in vague surprise she was always more or less but there was evidently something deeper than mere in her present humour you are cross i said endeavouring to smile yes i am cross and she stamped her foot then all at once tears up in her hard old eyes i am cross and sorry both together he was a it was pleasant to see him smile and he had pretty ways both for his uncle and for me that is when he remembered me which truly was not often but then it was enough so long as he was in the house and though he would do strange things such as taking those long walks in the by himself for no earthly reason that i could see still one could look at him now and then and think of the days when one was young and she stamped her foot again and rubbed away her tears with her coarse apron i am an old fool and he is i dare say a in spite of all his prayers and i laughed rather i did he pray did he fast i inquired with a touch of sarcastic amusement round upon me quite indignantly did he pray did he fast why what else was he made for she snapped out he was always praying and he ate enough for a bird no more he would kneel before his so long that i used to fancy i heard the rustle of the blessed virgin s robes about the house for if his would not bring her to take care of us all then i wonder what would f and once ah truly where would he have been if i had not looked after him i found him in a faint in the church itself he had been walking in the as usual and had come back to pray without touching a morsel of food but what else could you expect he was a great big innocent the holy saints were the same i shrugged my shoulders do you know that there are several ways of fighting the devils out of a man i said and starvation is one yet even then it sometimes happens that the devils still get the upper hand can you tell me whether m is coming back to paris no i cannot she retorted it is certain that he is gone and that i have work to do and that if you want more news of him you had better speak to m le cure i have no time to stand talking here any longer bon and i raised my hat to her bon m she returned and try not to be jealous of young men whom god has made better looking than yourself and with a bang she shut the door upon me i laughed and sauntered slowly away old woman she t o withered and wan and had also felt the influence of accursed beauty so much so as to be actually over his careless to say good bye to her i and she became rude to me directly she saw that i was to his value what women were i thought caught by a charming smile a pair of fine eyes and a graceful form caught and to folly and worse than folly all for a man s outward bearing positively when one comes to think of it with all our intellectual progress we are little better than the beasts in love physical perfection generally us far more than mental as the tiger paces round his mate attracted by her form her skin and eyes so we court and the woman whose body seems to us the fairest so women in their turn cast eyes at him whose strength seems the best comparison to their weakness of course there are exceptions to the rule but so rarely do they occur that they are among the world s not realities and we want realities now do we not no foolish over of true and ugly facts well one very true and very ugly fact is in human history namely that this merely physical	33
attraction between man and woman is of the continuance and nearly always turns to absolute we are punished when we admire one another s beauty to the of all mental or intelligent considerations punished in a thousand frightful ways ways which have truly a of hell it is perhaps unjust that the punishment should fall so heavily but fall it does without question unless unless one is an then neither crime nor punishment matter one to the soul that has thus been rendered to both i had plenty of food for reflection as i w away from the cure s house and to give myself time to think quietly i entered the which was close by and up and down there for more than an hour had left paris did know of this i wondered i tore up the i had written him and flung the little of paper far and wide into the air should i follow him to his home in i was not at all inclined for the trouble of the journey old s allusion to those long walks he used to take had opened my eyes to the manner in which he and must have arranged their the nervous of st had evidently been only too well founded under pretence of attending mass at m s church had really gone to meet her lover while he after assisting his uncle at the first had hastened off to keep the at whatever part of the they had secretly appointed and so the had been cleverly carried on in the early morning hours without awakening any suspicion of wrong in whose simple belief in woman s virtue and man s honour had been thus deliberately outraged other meetings elsewhere too might easily have been arranged have a thousand cunning ways of keeping up their lies what we had all been what blind good natured trusting fools for i felt certain that even though she might have had her private fears of s and l s never imagined her cousin would have fallen so far as she had fallen now i meditated on the whole position for awhile and finally returned home the result of my solitary reverie itself into the following letter to de i hear this morning that m has left paris has he made his departure known to you or signified in any way his future intentions if not i presume that his return to will be for good in which case i may possibly i do not say certainly endeavour to forget our painful interview of last night to make the best of the terrible position you are in and also for the sake of those to whom your honour i dear you will do well at any rate for the present to keep silence and allow the arrangements for our marriage to proceed as time some new course of action may suggest itself to me but till either definite news is heard from m or i can see my way to an alteration of the contract settled and agreed upon by our respective families you will serve every one concerned best by allowing things to remain as they are my respectful i wrote this but why did i really intend to endeavour to forget her crime certainly not what then did i mean what did i propose to do cannot tell you i i had or seemed to have an motive lurking in the background of my thoughts but what that motive was i could not explain even to myself some force outside of me apparently controlled my movements i was a passive slave to some unseen but imperative master of my will there is such a thing as remember the influence of one mind acting upon and commanding the other even at a distance but there is something stronger even than and that is the suggestions it offers are and no opposing effort will break its bonds and it had placed an idea a conception of revenge somewhere in my brain but whatever the plan was it did not declare itself in bold form as yet it was a fiery of fancies from which i could obtain no settled fact but i was satisfied that i meant something something that would i supposed itself into action in due time and for that time i was languidly content to wait d xiv about a couple of hours after i had written my letter i called at the de house and delivered it in person to s own maid i bade this girl tell her mistress that i waited for an answer and presently the answer came a little blotted note closely sealed i cannot will not believe he has gone i it ran without a word to me it would be too cruel i what shall i do i am desolate and helpless but i trust you and as you wish it i will say nothing though to keep silence breaks my heart nothing until you give me leave to speak this was all but it satisfied me i read it standing on the with the de watching me somewhat curiously smiling i inquired how is this morning not very well she has a severe headache and has not slept i feigned a proper anxiety i am exceedingly sorry pray convey to her the expression of my deep solicitude by the way have you any news of oh out she returns to morrow afternoon with this information i retired and straightway proceeded to the du to meet my father w he arrived punctual to time and greeted me with the utmost affection h la france he exclaimed as he alighted on the platform	33
and clasped me hy both hands what a joy it is to be out of gloomy england it is the month of may as we all know and yet i have only seen the sun three times since i left paris but thou art pale mon fits f thou hast worked too hard not at all i assured him the little has been cruel i laughed cruel she is an angel of sweetness i too kind too virtuous and too true for such a worthless fellow as i my father gave me a quick puzzled glance you speak with a strange in your voice he said anxiously is there anything wrong i tried to be as much like my old self as possible and took his arm affectionately nothing mon nothing all is well i have lost a friend that is all the admirable has gone back to what a pity and my father looked quite concerned about it he had become thy favourite comrade tool when did he go last night only and suddenly and i detailed the news of the morning as received from my father shook his head ah well then he will have to be a priest after all i suppose i such a brilliant young man should have chosen a different career i had hoped paris would have changed him you are as fascinated with him as everybody else i said laughing somewhat nervously my father laughed too well he is a fascinating he admitted i am quite sorry for the ladies old and young who may need to have recourse to his spiritual counsels by my faith so am i i rejoined emphatically in a half which my father just then busy with his luggage did not hear all that day was one of comparatively empty leisure but though i had both chance and opportunity i did not venture to visit old came in at dinner time the forlorn expression of his countenance how greatly he missed his nephew though he brightened up a little in my father s company i watched him thinking of the secret i held yet saying nothing who would have thought he complained that the boy could have become so dear to me and to also she is what a warning it is against setting too much store by the ties of earthly affection it is altogether very unfortunate for now i suppose his parents will hardly bear him out of their sight for months you see mon ami and his kind old eyes as he spoke he is such a beautiful and gentle soul that one considers him more an angel than a human being he is unlike everybody else yet all the same i think paris scarcely agreed with him there was an odd restlessness about his manner of late and a certain bitterness of speech that did not well become his nature and once indeed we had together a very melancholy discussion which if i had not handled it with the care might have led to his indulgence in a deadly sin impossible i ejaculated with a slight smile sin and are apart true very true responded the gentle old man and i thank god for it yet without ii w errors there are spiritual which must be avoided and one of these was inclined to fall a prey to namely despair despair of god s mercy ah this is terrible presumption and we find it so in the holy roman he put strange and awful questions to me at that time such as this whether i believed god really cared how we lived or what good or evil we committed such a frightful idea a positive tempting of divine justice it quite alarmed me i assure you and you answered what i vaguely interested why mon i answered as my faith and duty taught me he replied with mild i told him that god certainly did care or else he would not have placed in the inner consciousness of every human being such a distinct comprehension right and wrong but pardon me it is not always distinct i interposed it is frequently very doubtful and uncertain if it were more plainly defined right action would perhaps be easier not so declared gently because the unfortunate fact is that though men have this distinct feeling of the difference between right and wrong they invariably choose the wrong the reason being that right is the hardest road wrong the easiest then one would argue wrong to be natural and right t i said and also that it is useless to oppose nature the cure s eyes opened wide at this remark and my father shook his head at me do not thou be a he said kindly one can argue any and but right is god s compass to the end of all worlds i made no reply thought i had begun to know the meaning of this god s compass it was nothing but the small delicately poised balance of the brain which could by man s own wish and will be as easily set wrong as right after dinner i left the two elderly gentlemen over their wine and slipped out for a sudden craving possessed me a craving the nature of which i perfectly understood though i had neither strength nor desire to resist it the action of can no more be opposed than the action of once absorbed into the blood a and constant irritation is kept up throughout the system an irritation which can only be and by fresh draughts of the poison this was the sort of nervous restlessness that shook me now and as it was a fine night i made my way down to the where i entered one	33
of the best and most brilliant and at once ordered the that my very soul seemed what a sense of expectation quivered in my veins as i prepared the mixture whose influence pushed wide the gates of with what a lingering ecstasy i to the two full glasses of it enough let me tell you to unsteady a far more slow and stolid brain than mine the sensations which followed were both and mentally than on the previous evening and when i at last left the and walked home at about midnight my way was with the strangest for example there was no moon and clouds were still hanging in the skies enough to obscure all the stars yet as i sauntered leisurely up the es a bright green planet suddenly swung into dusky space and its lustre full upon my path its dazzling beams com surrounded me and made the wet leaves of the trees overhead shine like jewels and i watched the burning spreading about me in the fashion of a wide watery rim knowing all the time that it was but an image of my fancy the secret so sought for by philosophers and j had found it even i i was as a god in the power i had obtained to create and enjoy the of my own fertile brain for truly this is all that even high can do namely to command worlds to be borne by the action of his thought and again to bid them die by an effort of his will the huge force of all time and all space can be no more than an endless and immense imagination and one spark of this imagination is perhaps the only divine thing we have in our mortal composition though of course like reason it can easily be to false and criminal ends but we of paris care nothing as to whether our thoughts run in wholesome or morbid channels so long as self indulgence is my thoughts for instance were poisoned but i was satisfied with their poisonous tendency and i was in no wise disconcerted or dismayed when on reaching home and ascending the steps i found the door draped with solemn black as if for a funeral and saw written across it in pale yet la quietly i put out my hand and made as though i would touch these seemingly substantial they rolled away like rolling smoke the dismal inscription vanished and all was clear again entering i found my father sitting up for me art late i he said as i came towards w him et smiling good as he spoke thou hast been at the de not to night i answered carelessly i have only walked to the and back a new sort of amusement for thee is it not thou art not likely to become a and he clapped me kindly on the shoulder as we ascended the stairs together to our respective but no thou hast worked too well and to have such a suggestion made to thee even in jest i am well pleased with thee mon i know how difficult thy duties have been during my absence and how admirably thou hast fulfilled them i received his praise without remark and he continued for the next week take holiday and for the week after that again i then comes thy marriage and i will strive to do without thee for a full two months where wilt thou spend thy de f where in paradise of course i i answered with a forced smile my father laughed brushed his bearded lips against my cheek an old french custom of his whenever he felt particularly affectionate and we parted for the night what a sound sleep that good man would have i thought as i watched him turn into his room and saluted him respectfully in response to his last cheerful nod and glance he would not see what saw when i entered my own chamber i was there asleep she lay on my couch her head resting on my pillows her lips parted in a sweet drowsy smile while over her whole fair form fell a veil of green like mist hanging above the lakes and mountains in a noon ah gentle soul image of child like innocence and there she was reflected on the mirror of my brain as purely and faithfully as she had been cherished in my thoughts for and many a day i i stood silently looking on for a space at the beautiful phantom of my lost idol looking as gravely as sadly and as as i would have looked at the dead then extending my hands slowly as a might do i attempted to touch that delicate figure and lo it melted into bed was once more smooth bare and empty of even the of delight i threw myself down upon it fatigued in body and mind yet not so closing my aching eyes i wandered away into a cloudy realm of confused and fantastic vision and dreaming fancied that i slept xv that same week st returned from and two days after her arrival in paris my father and i were invited to dine with the de our good friend the cure being also of the party i was amused at the whole affair it went off so well and there were two such admirable actors at table namely myself and trust a woman to every one in the art of i she was a mere brilliant of dazzling mirth and from the beginning of the dinner to its end it was only pretence i knew but who would have thought she could have pretended so well now and then i was smitten with a sudden at	33
do think so she responded swiftly brave girl true friend but it is hardly fair to expect the discretion of age and experience from one who is almost a child and such a beautiful child too is all impulse she is sensitive sometimes she takes sudden fancies and sudden and as i told you once before she hardly understands herself here she broke off and caught her breath while her e es dealt on me in a vague fear why do you look at me so strangely m she faltered nervously what is it i laughed coldly what is it why nothing ma what should there be it is you who seem to have vague ideas of something which you do not express and it is i who should ask what is it she still breathed quickly and suddenly laid her hand on my arm you too are changed she said tell me truly do you still love can you doubt it and i smiled i love her madly and i spoke the truth the passion i felt for the little frail thing whom i could see from where i stood flitting about the garden among the flowers was indeed no sane mind would have ever indulged in such a tumult of mingled desire and hatred as burned in mine i am going to her i added more seeing that seemed alarmed as well as uneasy i shall ask her for one of those roses she is as a d i moved away then paused a moment your trip to has done ou good you are looking what a lightning glance she gave me it swept over me like the death flash of a storm i i stopped rooted to the ground as it were by the sudden spiritual of her beauty why did my send such through my frame what force was there in the air that held us twain man and woman spell bound for a moment gazing at each other wildly as though on the brink of some strange destiny in that one brief space of time all life seemed waiting in suspense and had i yielded tp tbe fiery impulse that possessed me then i should have clasped that fair woman in my arms and called her love salvation hope rescue i should have told her all given her my very soul to keep and so i might have missed but it was a mere passing madness i could not account for it then and can hardly account for it now but whatever shock it was that thus by impulse shook our nerves it moved us both with strong and singular agitation for fled from my sight as though pursued by some spirit and i after a couple of minutes pause recovered my composure and stepping out into the garden there joined she looked up at me as i approached her face wore an expression of extreme weariness how long is this to last she murmured how long must i play this terrible part of seeming to be what i am not i am so tired of it oh god so tired i walked silently by her side round among the shadows of some tall trees to a spot where we were out of the observation of any one who might be looking from the house windows have you heard from your lover i then asked coldly her head drooped no do you think it that you will hear she sighed i believe in him she said if my belief is vain then god help me i studied her fair and delicate features she was lovely in her grief than in her joy i thought a broken angel in a ruined shrine but her beauty left me cold as ice as had the fancies of my brain and in obedience to its i answered her that is what all say when confronted a with the disastrous consequences of crime god help me but god s assistance is not always to be relied upon it frequently fails as in cases of the necessity the beggar says god help me yet continues to beg on the suffering cry god help us and still they starve and weep the dying man in his agony god help me i and his are not softened a whit and ou poor little thing are like the rest of us trusting to a divine rescue that is frequently too late in coming if indeed it ever comes at all she gave a languid gesture of then god is cruel she said wearily and yet he made these and she held out the roses she had lately plucked and made a of but as she did so the fairest bud suddenly and fell in a shower of pale pink leaves upon the ground yes he made them made them to perish for which strange and unaccountable end he has seemingly made all things even you and me i responded taking her cold passive hand in mine as the fall so beauty dies so hope passes so fidelity proves naught i has deserted you she shivered but made no reply what will you do i went on what way is there left for you to escape how will you shame from those parents whose pride is in ou think as yet they know nothing but when thej do know what then her blue eyes fixed es upon the roses in her hands her lips moved and she murmured faintly i can die i was silent she could die this little fair thing for whom life had scarcely begun certainly she could die we all have that	33
universal remedy and there was no power on earth that could prevent her if she chose from deliberately shutting out the world for ever from her sight and finding peace in death s acceptable darkness yes she could die even she i i what a fate i said at last how terrible to realize it to think that you yo x for whom nothing seemed too good too happy or too bright should be at this pass of dire misfortune and all through the black base treachery of a liar a traitor a cowardly villain stop she exclaimed in a low fierce voice that startled me you shall not blame him in my hearing i have told you i can die but i shall die loving him him to the end oh the love of a desperately loving woman can thing under the sun equal its strength its its marvellous this fragile wronged deserted ruined still clung to the memory of her with such constancy that she not having yet seen full nineteen years of existence could calmly contemplate death for his sake ah god why could she not have loved me thus tenderly i looked at her and she met my gaze with an almost challenge of mingled sorrow and pride you are brave i said brave to brave to the limits of despair but pray compose yourself and listen to me i am more cautious perhaps more practical in the of events than you can be of course it is well nigh impossible to calculate the social result of our unhappy position towards each other should we decide to make the whole affair public but in the me i want you to understand that your secret is safe in my hands the honour of the de is not yet given over to the dog s of scandal i paused and a tremor ran through her frame she knew as i knew that her sin was one that her father proud of his and glories would never forgive and never forget you gave me credit once for i continued and the most generous thing i could do would be to still take you as my wife and shield your name from under cover of mine for your parents sake this would be best and kindest but for me not so well i doubt much whether i could ever reconcile myself to such a course of action it is therefore sincerely to be hoped that m l will find it consistent with his honour and i laid a sarcastic emphasis on this word to write and inform you of his intentions before the day appointed for your marriage with me comes much closer at hand as you must be aware there is only a space of about ten days between then and now she looked up at me in entreaty and must i still keep silence she asked really that is entirely as you please i returned i shall not speak as yet but if you choose to make full confession to your parents or to your cousin that is a different matter no doubt such frankness on your part would greatly the whole disastrous affair but this must be left to your own discretion i and i smiled slightly i knew she was of far too shrinking and nervous a temperament to brave her father s fierce wrath her mother s despair and the wondering horror and reproach of all her friends and relatives so long as there remained the least chance of escape from such a terrible if wrote to her if sent for her she would of course fly to join him and leave everything to be discovered ne when she had gone but if on the contrary he kept silence and made no sign why there was nothing to be done but to wait to wait as i before said on my will i offered her my arm to escort her back to the house she accepted it mechanically and together we returned to the drawing room was there reading aloud from a newspaper an account of the triumphs of a celebrated whose name had recently become a sort of musical to the ardent and and her eyes sparkled with animation as looking up from the journal she told us she had been invited to meet this same brilliant star at a neighbour s house the next evening her aunt smiled at her enthusiasm and the de remarked thou ask him to try thy it is not every who possesses a real is it a asked with some interest my eyes on who for once avoided my direct gaze s she replied yes it is an and has been in my mother s family for more than a hundred years but no one among us ever played it till i suddenly took a fancy to try my skill upon it there is rather a sad legend attached to it too ah now we shall have you at your best said my father smiling you will of course tell us this legend if you wish and moving to the further end of the room opened her case and took out the instrument but you must look at it carefully first through the f holes you will see the sign manual of and also something else there are several other words can you make them out we gathered round her and each in turn examined the interior of the and finally managed to the following je v ma de ma y beneath these lines was a of two letters in a wreath of laurel and as we handed back the instrument to its fair owner our eyes inquired the meaning of the motto this	33
belonged so the story goes said softly to one who in his time was considered the greatest in the world his name no one knows his is there but cannot as you see be distinctly the legend however is that he loved a great lady of the court of france and that she showed him many for a little while till suddenly out of some cruel and unaccountable caprice she deserted him and would never receive him or even look upon his face again by despair he himself and these lines inscribed inside the are written in his own blood it is supposed that he took the instrument apart to write the device within it as according to one account it is said to have been found seemingly broken by the side of his dead body if this be true then skilled hands must have put it together again for here it is as you see and with a strange pathos in its tone or so i fancy a pathos that it would be difficult to equal listen and she drew the bow across the g string slowly while we involuntarily held our breath it was such a weird wild full and solemn sound something like the long grave organ note drawn forth by the wind from the close knit branches of old trees je such had been the last prayer of its long ago dead master and truly its x in had not ceased to be convincing the had been careless of love and capricious as beautiful women so oft n are but still the passionate tones of her lover s instrument bore faithful witness to her beauty s conquering charm we were all in expectation that would play something but in this we were doomed to disappointment for she quietly put the back in its case and locked it in spite of her aunt s affectionate entreaty that she would favour us with one little i am not in the humour aunt she said simply and there was a weary look in her eyes and i should not play well besides and she smiled a little you must remember that there is a grand just now in paris and the very consciousness of his presence in this city seems actually to my efforts a vague irritation stirred me that she should attach so much importance to the arrival of a mere professional star in the art of playing do you know the man i asked abruptly not personally she replied as i told you i am to meet him to morrow evening but i have heard him that is enough i shrugged my shoulders you are enthusiastic i remarked i thought you were a veritable always calm always cold she looked at me with a strange deepening brilliancy in her eyes cold she faltered i i was near her as she spoke and our glances met once more that curious thrill ran through me once more that inexplicable shock seemed to us both but it passed as it had passed before and just then m came up to us with some ordinary remark that scattered our thoughts into all sorts of different and commonplace directions the evening ended to all appearances as satisfactorily as it had our elders evidently had no shadow of suspicion that anything was wrong and when i parted from it was with a carefully studied assumption of that lover like reluctance to say farewell which once had been too real to need as she murmured good night gave me her hand i held it a moment in my own then kissed it with grave courtesy what could have possessed me then i wonder that i should have felt such a keen sense of delight as i saw the colour rush over her fair pale cheeks like a sudden glow of sunset on i suppose it must have been the consciousness of the growing devil within me the devil that had already begun to preach away conscience and make a of principle and that in a short time was destined to become so strong that whatever there was of true manhood in me would be utterly by its power the devil bom of i the fair brave whose fidelity to the soul it upon like that of its twin sister never till death i every hour of every day its hold on my brain grew closer firmer and more absolute till i ceased to feel even so much as a passing throb of and with my eyes open to the abyss of darkness before me voluntarily drifted slowly yet steadily down time went on and yet no si from l one letter only from his mother to the cure thanking him for all the care and kindness he had shown to et saint and stating that this same saint was in excellent health and admirably with his religious studies was all the news we received now and then i thought i would go to and seek him out and fight him to the death there but after a little i always dismissed the idea it was better i decided to wait on for had written to him twice and i naturally imagined that his answer to the desperate appeals of the girl he had betrayed would be a swift and unexpected return to paris unless indeed he should prove himself to be altogether a man beneath even a beggar s contempt meantime all the arrangements for my marriage with went smoothly on without any interference from either of the principal parties concerned it was settled that the should take place first in the grand of the de before a large and brilliant assemblage of friends and guests the religious ceremony was to follow afterwards in the pretty little church of which m was	33
the genius the invitations had all been sent out one going to in due and i languidly amused wondered how he would take it as j for me i was now quite resolved on my own plan of action my brain had it in the wanderings of many nights and though the plot was devilish to me in my condition it seemed just why should not the wicked be punished for their wickedness h i writ the theory for did not david a man after god s own heart pray that his enemies ht be consumed as with fire and utterly destroyed dear good gentle christian friends you who love your and read them with attention i beg you will study inspired pages thereof again and yet again before you dare to utterly me who am our fellow mortal consider the pious joy with which you j ourselves look forward to seeing those particular persons whom you specially in hell for all eternity while you sweet clean souls walk placidly the golden pavement of heaven it is possible nay more than probable that you will be disappointed in these sublime still you can nurse the generous hope while here below only do not turn round and condemn me because i also in the spirit of david desired to see my enemies confounded and put to shame in this life had i no patience you may ask to wait till after death no because after death is a shadowy circumstance one cannot be certain what will happen and the present wise age does well to seize its opportunities for good or for evil while it can here and now in the short interval that had yet to before the day of my intended a curious change worked itself in me a change of which i was conscious i can only explain it by saying that my brain seemed dead a stony weight lay behind my temples cold and hard and heavy i shall perhaps make myself understood better if i my sensations thus namely that when my brain was in its former normal condition before the had penetrated to its every cell it was like a of sensitive or which when touched by memory sentiment affection or any feeling whatsoever would instantly respond in quick of eager and easy comprehension now it seemed as if all those had snapped in some strange way leaving in their place a steel of images a hard bright substance on which emotion simply flashed and passed without producing any actual yet certain plans of action seemed to be part of this steel pressure plans which though they appeared in a manner precise still lacked entire and not the least remarkable phase of my was this that good or what call good presented itself to me as not only distinctly unnatural but wholly absurd in brief the best and expression can give to my condition of mind for the benefit of those medical who have perhaps not thoroughly comprehended the swift and marvellous influence of the green of paris on the human nerves and blood is that my former ideas and habits of life were completely and absolutely reversed we are told that the composition of the brain is a certain grey matter in which countless shifting work the wheels of thought and sensation in the healthy subject they work and in order but and this is to be remembered a touch will set them wrong a severe blow on the outside case or skull may and often does upset their delicate balance what think you then of a creeping fire which by degrees them into hot confused masses and almost changes their very nature aye this is so and neither gods nor angels can prevent it give me the fairest youth that ever a mother s heart let him be hero saint poet whatever you will let me make of him an and from hero he shall change to coward from saint to from poet to brute you doubt me come then to paris study our present generation and children of and then why then give glory to the english i for he was a wise man in his time though in his ability to look back he perhaps lost the power to foresee he traced or thought he could trace man s ascent from the monkey but he could not calculate man s descent to the monkey again he did not study the closely enough for that if he had he would most assuredly have added a volume of for the future to his famous of the past curious and significant too among my other sensations was the dull aversion i had taken to the always fair though now sorrowful face of the girl in her secret wretchedness annoyed me there were moments when i hated her and again there were times when i loved her loved her yes but not in a way that good women would care to be loved moreover st had come to possess an almost weird fascination for me yet i saw very little of her for a new interest had suddenly entered her life the great whom she had been so eager to meet had heard her play and had been so enchanted either with her or the valuable she owned that he had volunteered for art s sake to give her a lesson every day during the brief time he remained in paris after some little hesitation and an anxious consultation with her aunt as to the propriety of this arrangement the offer was accepted and she was straightway drawn into an artistic and musical circle which was considerably divided from ours i never had a chance of either seeing or hearing the	33
brilliant whose triumphs were in every one s mouth i only knew that he was not old that some people considered him handsome and that he was entirely devoted to his art but no more personal news than this could i obtain concerning him too was singularly on the subject only her wonderful grey green eyes used to shine with a strange fire whenever he was mentioned and this vaguely vexed me however i was not given much opportunity to brood on the matter as the famous star very soon took his departure and beyond the fact that played more than ever i almost forgot in the rush of more pressing events that he had crossed the even tenor of her existence three days before my intended marriage only three days i received to my utter amazement a letter from el it began abruptly thus i understand that you know thing therefore you will realize that no explanation can make me more of a villain than i acknowledge myself to be i cannot marry i was ordained a priest of holy church circumstances have my fate in opposition to my will and i can only throw myself upon your mercy and ask you not to visit my crime on the head of the poor child i have wronged i cannot write to her i dare not i am weak natured and afraid of woman s grief the only wa left to me for the of the evil i have done is through a life of hard and er this i have chosen you all to pardon me and to think of me as one dead a fierce oath broke from me as i this in my hand villain ordained a priest sheltered in the pale of the church vowed to perpetual and what was worse still from the call of a if i could have seen him at that moment before me i would have sprung at him like a wild beast thrown him on the ground and trampled upon his fair false face till not a of its was left i for some minutes i gave way to this impotent mad fury then gradually myself smoothed out the letter and read it through again the of fate round the unfortunate had grown more and more entangled for now supposing the whole truth were told she would be in a worse than ever since unless her lover chose to leave the as rapidly as he had entered it marriage was impossible true enough her only rescue lay with me true that if i chose to accept cast off light o love as my wife no one need be any the wiser save only myself and the unhappy girl whose miserable secret was in my hands but i resented the position which appeared thus forced upon me and in this i think i was no worse than any other man might have been under similar circumstances combined however with my natural resentment there was another and more cruel feeling an longing to make understand thoroughly the of her sin for at present she seemed to me to have merely the sentiment of the french heroine who after herself her parents and dealing misery all round scruples not to boast of her as a wonderful virtue to the special of heaven it was in this particular phase of her character that she had grown hateful to me while her physical beauty remained what it always had been in my eyes exquisitely to the senses and yet with all my busy brooding on the one subject i cannot say i ever came to any definitely settled plan what i did do in the long run was the wild suggestion of a moment worked out by one hot flash from the burning glance of the green fairy in whose embrace i had my soul away for many nights and days i considered deeply as to whether i should show the letter i had received from to or not better wait i thought and see how the tide of events turned there was yet time let her cling to her false hope a little longer that frail sheet anchor would all too soon be torn from her feeble hold and so the dull minutes rounded into hours hours that passed in the usual way some slow some rapidly according to the mood in which they were met and disposed of and the eve of my marriage came all seemed well i played my part played hers i called at the de and found everything in the bustle of active preparation the dining room was being decorated with flowers large and occupied almost every available space in the entrance hall and on my inquiring for my i was shown by the smiling excited maid servant into the morning room where after a few minutes entered she looked very pale but ty calm and came straight up to with a strange in her deep blue eyes you have not heard from she said at once in a low but earnestly inquiring tone i and i shrugged my shoulders as though in amazement at the absurdity of such a question no i suppose he would not write to you she murmured sadly then he must be ill or dead strange of woman s faith she could not would not believe he had deserted her she resumed with a curious air of grave formality it seems you really intend to me ii i it seems so truly i returned she looked at me listen she said i know why you do it for my father s sake and for the sake of good m to save honour and prevent scandal you do it for this	33
and i i do not know whether to thank you or curse you for your she paused trembling with the excess of her emotion then continued but understand me i will never live with you i will never owe to you so much as a crust of bread i will go on with this ceremony of marriage as you seem for the sake of others to think it best but afterwards afterwards i will go away to die somewhere by myself where i shall trouble no one and where not even dear good will be able to find me disgraced i will bear the solitude of disgrace ruined i will abide by my ruin i i studied her features with a cold scrutiny that made her cheeks flush and her limbs tremble though her eyes remained quietly fixed on mine you have made your plans i see i said but i i also have plans you say you will go away to die not so you mean you will go in search of your lover has it ever struck you that he may not want you men are like children when their women s are broken they care for them no longer so far things have gone on smoothly in our two families and by we have fought off scandal but i must ask you to remember that once bestow my name upon you you will owe me obedience if i make you my wife the past must be blotted out for ever and i shall expect from you a wife s duty i smiled as i spoke for i saw her shrink and shiver away from me as though an icy wind had touched her with its breath how can the past be blotted out for ever she faltered when here she paused suddenly and drew herself erect when i came to you and told you all that night i placed my fate in your hands i asked you to break your engagement with me and you made excuse and delay j ou would not nor would you let me speak you told me you would act for the best and i trusted everything to you i thought j ou would spare me i believed that you would be generous and pitiful but you have changed you have changed so greatly that i scarcely know you except that i am sure you do not wish me well there is something cruel in your eyes something fatal in your smile tell me w do you marry me she regarded me with a touch of fear as she put the question pardon but you anticipate calmly i have not married you yet to morrow she began springing to her side i grasped her suddenly by the arm i felt a strange fire in my veins one of those of heat and fury which were growing frequent with me of late to morrow has not come i said in low fierce accents wait till it does what do you take me for silly child do you think you can play with a man s heart as yon have played with mine and meet with no punishment do you think you can wreck a whole life and not be for such wanton cruelty i have it is true your name from up till now with yourself alone and me rests the horrible secret of your shame but wait wait you are not married to me yet and if you have enough courage for the task you can still escape proclaim your own to your parents to your pure and cousin to night break their hearts shake down their high faith in you to the dust of but before doing so mark you it would be as well to ask m for the latest news of his admirable nephew her eyes dilated with terror and she repeated the words after me like a dull child learning some difficult lesson ask m for the latest news of his nephew and her very lips turned white as she spoke the latest news of you know it then and she turned upon me with a gesture of imperial authority tell me what it is how dare you withhold it tell me instantly for if he is ill i must go to him if he is dead i must die i laughed savagely he is dead to ot i said but otherwise he is alive and well and at this very moment he is probably at his holy prayers he has entered the and by that simple act has escaped both my sword and your embraces she gave a smothered cry staggered and seemed about to fall i caught her on my arm and she leaned against me struggling for breath a priest she gasped oh no not after all his promises it is not it cannot be true ask the cure i said he no doubt has the news by this time he is a good man not used like his nephew to the telling of lies she put away my supporting arm gently yet decidedly and pressing one hand against her heart looked me full in the eyes how do you know this she asked why should you of all people in the world be the first to tell it to me i read her suspicions and returned her glance with one of the utmost scorn you distrust my word i well perhaps you will accept your lover s own for the information here it is pray read it for j and be satisfied and drawing from mj pocket the letter i had received i unfolded it and spread	33
it open on the table before her with a sharp exclamation she snatched it up and quickly its every word then oh strange nature of woman she covered it with passionate kisses and tears q ood bye she sobbed softly good bye my love my dearest one good bye turning to me she said while the drops still rained through her lashes may i keep this letter i shrugged my shoulders her filled me with certainly if you choose it is my death warrant she went on quietly trying to steady her quivering lips and it is signed by the dearest hand in the world to me oh i shall die quite bravely now there will be nothing to regret even as there is nothing to hope but you are very cruel to me you are not like your old kind self at all i am so poor and slight and miserable a thing i cannot understand how it can be worth your while to judge me so harshly never it does not matter i shall not trouble you long i have been very wicked yes i know that and you you wish me to be punished well then does it not please you to know that my heart is broken my heart my heart and covering her face with her hands she suddenly turned and fled from the room i heard the door close behind her and i thought myself alone every nerve in my body with the suppressed excitement of my mind and leaning one hand against my hot brows i pressed my fingers over my eyes to try and shut out the pale green light that now and then flashed before them when a touch on my shoulder startled me i looked up st stood beside me pale and grave as a and i stared at her m vague amazement what is the matter m she inquired i forced a laugh matter truly nothing nothing she echoed why then was in tears she passed me just now without a word but i heard her sobbing i met her questioning gaze a lover s quarrel i said lightly have you never heard of such things a frown darkened the of her classic brows a quarrel on the eve of marriage she coldly it seems unnatural and unlikely you are deceiving me m i smiled possibly i answered but what would you i fancy we were bom into the world all of us for the singular purpose of deceiving each other her eyes filled with a vague fear and surprise what do you mean she faltered nervously do not ask me and advancing a step or two i caught her shrinking hand and held it in my clasp i cannot tell you what i mean i do not know myself there are certain phases of feeling and passion are there not which storm the soul at times we are shaken but we cannot explain the shock even to our do not speak to me do not look at your eyes would draw out the secret of a madman misery ask your own heart if there are not strange and complex emotions within it as in mine which have never been uttered and never will be uttered i if we could only speak frankly we men and women at certain moments when the better part of us is my god if we could only dare to be ourselves who knows the world might be happier with this outburst the drift of which i myself scarcely understood i hurriedly kissed the hand i held released it and left her how she looked i know not something and wild in my blood warned me against another chance meeting of her eyes with mine i should have caught her to my breast and frightened her with the passion of my embrace and yet did i love her i cannot tell i think not it was only the attraction of her personality that overpowered my senses when i was once away from her and outside in the open air my emotion passed just as a that has been brought on by the powerful perfume of tropical lilies will pass in the breath of a cool wind i walked rapidly homeward thinking as i went of the morrow and wondering what it would bring forth either de would be mine or she would not it all seemed to rest on the mere turn of a hair for in my condition of brain nothing in the whole world appeared decided because the of death was always present i calmly considered and balanced the probability that now knowing the part her lover had chosen to play might kill herself it is the common way out of a with many or i might die that would be droll and unexpected too for i felt life s blood beating very strong in me and i had now something to live for i considered with a good deal of self con the admirable cunning with which i had managed to keep the secret of my growing from my father and every one connected with me true some stray remarks had been made once or twice on a change in my looks but this was chiefly set down to and my father had occasionally remonstrated with me against a quick impatience of temper which i frequently displayed and which was new to my disposition but with his usual g ood nature he had found plenty of excuses for me in the contemplation of all the business i had successfully got through during his absence in england the alteration in me was really almost to only i myself knew how complete and permanent it was that	33
night the night before my wedding day i drank deeply and long of my favourite glass after glass i prepared and drained each one off with and ever appetite i drank till the solid walls of my own room when at last i found myself there appeared to me like transparent glass shot through with flame surrounded on all sides by beautiful hideous devilish i to my couch in a sort of waking conscious of strange sounds everywhere like the of brazen bells and the silver of the trumpets of war conscious too of a singular double sensation namely as though myself were divided into two persons who opposed each other in a deadly combat in which neither could possibly obtain even the merest shadow victory it was a night of both horror and ecstasy the beginning of many more such nights and though i was hurried to and fro like a leaf on a storm wind among crowding ghosts open smiling and i was perfectly content with the march of my own brain and i quite forgot as i always wish to that there are fools in the world for whom heart has no charms and who therefore still like children and of god and conscience xvii my marriage morning i it broke out of the east with the sweetest forget me not radiance of blue over all the tranquil sky i rose early i was aware of a violent throbbing in my temples and now and then i was seized with a remarkable sensation as though some great force were so to speak being hurled through me compelling me to do strange deeds without clearly their nature i took a long walk before breakfast but though the air and motion did me some amount of good i nevertheless found myself totally unable to resist certain impulses that came over me as for instance to laugh aloud when i thought of that white half naked witch who had been my chief companion in the flying of the past wild night how swiftly she had led me into the forgotten of the dead and how her mere look and sign had to lift the covers of old and expose to view the within the that for all their lack of vision had yet seemed to stare upon us while we their helpless desolation oh she was a brave phantom that witch of mine i and one thing she had done had pleased me right well we had flown through the dark she and i on green wings and finding on our way a church door standing open we had entered in there we had seen silver lamps steadily burning there we had heard the organ forth strange and there we had discovered a priest kneeling on the altar steps with wondrous uke face to the shining host above him el we had shrieked loudly in his ears my comrade and i die and die i was echoed back to us in a thunder of many voices while as the chorus smote the air lo the host vanished from sight the altar into dust there was no more sign of salvation hope or rescue for that criminal there who dared to kneel and pray there was nothing nothing but the yawning blackness of an open grave how my fair witch laughed as she pointed to that dull deep hole in the ground how i kissed her on the ripe red lips for the of her ul suggestion how i with her fiery gold hair and how we fled off again more swiftly than the wind through scenes yet not so haunting to the memory my glorious fairy she was nearly always with me now in different shapes arrayed in different hues but always as a part of me her whispers continually in mj brain and i never failed to listen and on this particular morning the morning of my intended marriage she was as close to me as my very blood she clung to me and i made no effort as i had no desire to shake her off ten o clock was the hour fixed for the ceremony in order that ample time might be given to allow the religious one to take place before noon just as we were about to start for the scene of the my father who had been watching me attentively suddenly said art thou well i looked full at him and laughed perfectly well mon why ask such a question your eyes look feverish he answered and i have noticed that your hand shakes if you were not my son i should say you had been drinking i bit my lips then forced a smile i but cannot you allow for a little unusual excitement on one s wedding day his countenance cleared and he laid one hand affectionately on my shoulder of course still to be quite honest with you i must say i have lately observed an alteration in your looks and manner that does not well for your health however no doubt a change of air will do you good a month in is a cure for almost any man i laughed again it had been settled for us by our friends that we were to pass our my bride and i by the shores of the blue romantic lakes that loved and sang of i had never seen the splendour of the snow mountains i have never yet seen them and it is very certain now that i never shall i i avoided any further converse with my father and was glad that so little time was left us for the chance of a di punctual to the hour appointed we drove to the	33
de residence and found the outside of the house lined and blocked with carriages the guests were arriving in we entered the grand drawing room it was exquisitely adorned with palms and flowers and for one dazed moment i saw nothing but a whirl of bright faces and magnificent tied with floating ends of white and coloured ribbon people seized my hand and shook it warmly i heard myself congratulated and managed to a few formal replies presently i came face to face with the all clad in pink all ready for the church ceremony which to them as women was of course the most interesting part of the performance and in the centre of this group stood st looking strangely pale and grave whether it was the pink colour of her robe or the brilliant tint of the superb roses she carried i could not then decide but certain it was that i had never seen her so wan and wistful eyed and as i gravely saluted her i wondered whether she knew anything whether in a sudden fit of desperate e had told her all an odd fierce merriment beg an to take hold of me i smiled as i pressed her extended hand you are looking lovely as usual i said in a low tone for indeed her fair and spiritual beauty exercised over me a spell of mingled fear and fascination but are you not somewhat fatigued her eyes rested steadily on mine no she replied calmly i am only a little anxious about to me she seems very ill i feigned the deepest concern indeed i trust she swept out of the group of and beckoned me to follow her apart i did so something terrible has happened i am sure of it she said with passionate emphasis spoke so strangely yesterday and she has wept all night oh why why will you not tell me what it is he child is afraid of you afraid of me i i exclaimed raising my eyebrows in amazement really i cannot understand she made a movement of impatience and laid her of flowers lightly against her lips hush we cannot speak now it is too late but if you any w or cruelty to well god may forgive you but i will not her eyes flashed a positive menace she looked like in that moment of wrath and my admiring glance must have told her as much for the colour her cheeks to a deeper hue than that of the s red roses in her hand but that she resented my look was evident for she turned from me with a g of dislike and disdain and as i noted her proud step and mien a sudden ferocity possessed me a curse i thought on all such haughty beautiful women who dare to wound with a glance and with a smile let them learn to suffer as they make men suffer nothing less will bring down their or impress upon their natures the value of humility i walked with a firm step up to the table where the authorities were already seated with their books and pens and gaily shook hands with all i personally knew m was of course not present his part of the business was to be at the church where no doubt he was even now waiting the de stood near me there were tears in her eyes and she like her niece looked pale and anxious while in her smile as she saluted me affectionately there was something almost appealing the count himself had left the room naturally all present knew his errand there was a hush of expectation the bright eyes of the lovely and fashionable women assembled were turned eagerly towards the door it opened and entered in full attire leaning on her father s arm white as a as marble she seemed to be walking in her sleep her eyes fixed on she looked neither to the right nor to the left she returned none of the gay greetings of her friends who from her in evident amazement at her strange once or twice only a thin shadowy smile parted her lips and she bowed mechanically as though the action were the result of a carefully learned lesson on she came and i heard whispered observations on her deadly but i was too busy with my own to heed au ht else i w is enraged what business had she this fair frail helpless looking girl to come to me as though she were a white being led up to have its tender throat how dare she pose before me like a statue of grief with that look of unutterable despair frozen on her face aye how dare she knowing herself so vile thus invite one of those irresistible sudden rushes of impulse stronger than myself seized me i felt the blood in my ears and burning at my finger tips i was in the grasp of a force more potent than fire to destroy and without actually quite what i meant to do or to say i waited waited till the stately de proud parent reached me where i stood waited till he by a gracefully courteous gesture appeared to present me with my bride then the devil in me broke loose and had its way then yielding to its subtle suggestions i tasted my revenge i had the satisfaction of seeing the haughty old and tremble like a leaf in the wind as he met my coldly scornful gaze and the mockery of my smile drawing myself stiffly erect just as he came within an arm s length of me i made a distinct and decided movement	33
of then raising my voice so that it might be heard by all present i said slowly and with studied politeness m le de i am sincerely sorry to give you pain but truth is truth and must sometimes be told no matter how disagreeable in the presence therefore of these our relatives friends and guests permit me to return your daughter to your paternal care i refuse to marry her for one moment there was stillness the old count turned a ghastly white and seemed moved not at all then my father s clear voice rang through th i hushed room sharply art thou mad i looked at him calmly au i am quite sane i assure you mon i repeat i utterly decline the honour of de hand in marriage that is all another dead silence not a person in the room stirred and all eyes were fixed upon me one seemed stricken with alarm and amazement save herself who like a veiled image might have been carved in stone for any sign of life she gave suddenly one of the authorities turned round from the table on which the books of lay prepared he was an old man of and severe manner and he regarded me sternly as he said upon what grounds does propose to break his word to de he should state his reasons as publicly as he has chosen to state his i looked at the count his face was flushed and he breathed heavily i saw him nervously press his passive daughter s arm closer to his side yes i on what grounds he demanded thickly and truly it is a question that needs answering i on what grounds i felt rather than saw the instinctive movement o the whole brilliant assemblage of guests towards me every one was bending forward to listen i caught a glimpse of the pale face of st and just then raised her sorrowful blue eyes and fixed them upon me with a world of silent reproach in their grief darkened depths but what cared i for her looks i was mad and i in my madness what mattered anything to me save the clutch of the at my throat the devil that compelled me to fling away every thought of gentle ness every merciful and impulse to the winds of hell on what grounds i echoed bitterly simply shame is this not enough must i speak still more plainly then take all the truth at once i cannot accept as my wife the cast off mistress li the blow had fallen at last and with crushing effect oh vile accusation cried the count shaking his daughter from his arm speak is this true she stood and feebly raised her hands clasping them together as though in prayer a strange wild smile crossed her pale lips such a smile as is sometimes seen on the faces of the dying but in her eyes beautiful passionate dark blue eyes the fatal confession of her misery was written no one looking upon her then could have doubted her guilt for an instant in a single upward despairing glance she admitted everything her lips moved but not a sound issued from them then all silently as snow slips in a weight from the bending branch of a tree she fell prone hke a broken flower a tremulous murmur of compassion through the room but nevertheless every one hung back from that insensible form aye every one for the de had in her chair and it was more il to minister to her the wife and respectable matron than to the wretched child whose disgrace had been thus publicly proclaimed every one hung back did i say no not for while i stood gazing at the scene savagely satisfied at the i had wrought st sprung forward like an enraged her whole form quivering with wrath and sorrow and flinging herself on her knees beside her unconscious cousin lifted her partially from the ground and held her to her breast with passionate tenderness i she cried flashing her indignant eyes full upon me while the scornful word from her lips me as with a coward i cruel vile coward shame upon you shame oh what a fine boast of honour you can make now to think you have cast down this poor little life in the dust and it for ever a woman s life too a life that is powerless to do more than suffer the wrongs inflicted upon it by the wanton wickedness of men look at me darling look at who loves thee who will never thee leave her to me she exclaimed almost as one of the younger trembling and tearful timidly came forward to her assistance leave her desert her as every one will now she is broken hearted it is the way of the world why do you wait here and her contemptuous glance fell so upon me that for the moment i was awed and the hot frenzy of my brain seemed to grow suddenly you have done your pre meditated work go you have had vengeance for your wrong enjoy it had you been a true man you might have your wrath on the chief actor in this tragedy the murderer not the victim she paused white and breathless then seeming to summon all her forces together she continued passionately may your wickedness on your own head may the ruin you have brought on others come down with ten fold violence upon yourself oh may god punish you he must he will if heaven holds any justice she paused again panting excitedly and one of the lady guests here touched her on the shoulder	33
be be calm calm she echoed with a wild gesture how can i be calm when may be dead dead and he he has killed oh my little my pretty one and breaking into sobs and tears she kissed the cousin s cold hands and death like face again and again now to me all this disorder and excitement presented itself merely as a curious scene quite in fact like a set from a romantic opera i could have laughed aloud after the fashion of the when she was shown the police illustrations of her own crime and even as it was i smiled i noticed several people looking at me in amazed disgust but what did i care for that the merest of truth always society meanwhile the assemblage had broken up in entire confusion every one was departing silently and almost as if by the authorities had taken solemn and leave of the de who sat rigidly erect in an arm chair making no response whatever to anything that was said to him some one had been despatched with a message to the cure m to inform him that the ceremony was broken off the had been assisted to her apartment servants were now lifting the insensible figure of from the ground and amid it all i stood quietly looking on vaguely amused at the whole performance it entertained me in a sort of dim fashion to observe that i was now generally avoided by those who had previously been eager to claim acquaintance with me the departing guests made me no salutation and i appeared to be held in sudden and singular what a droll world i thought always about morality and yet when a man makes a bold stand for morality and declares he will not marry a who is the victim of an he is looked upon as a heartless wretch and cruel such a thing should be done quite quietly and privately whispers society indeed i why how are the interests of morality to be served by such matters up among the exalted few i was still musing on this and on human generally when my father touched me on the arm come away from this house of he said sternly come away your presence here now is nothing but an insult how fierce the fine old man looked to be sure it occurred to me as being rather odd that he should seem so indignant but i followed him mechanically we were just about to leave the house when a servant ran after us with a card which she put into my hands departing instantly again without a word a challenge i thought who was there in all that fashionable crowd of men that would care to draw a sword in s honour no one truly for the card simply bore the name of the de with the following words written across it in pencil i request that will call upon me to morrow before noon i thrust it in my pocket and walked after my father who had preceded me and who was now waiting impatiently for me outside the great of the count s residence keeping his head carefully turned away from the gaze of the various owners of the departing carriages in order that he might not be compelled to recognize them or talk with them of what had just taken place when i joined him he marched on stiffly and in perfect silence till we were well out of sight of everybody then he turned round upon me and gave vent to a short sharp oath his eyes glittering and his lips trembling you have behaved like a villain i would not have believed that my son could have been capable of such a coward s vengeance i looked at him and shrugged my shoulders you are excited mon what have i done save speak the truth and as the brave english say shame the devil the truth the truth said my father passionately j it the truth and if it is could it not have been told in a less brutal fashion you have acted like a not like a man if be a vile and that poor child his ruined victim could you not have dealt with him and have spared her f god i would as soon the neck of a bird that trusted me as add any extra weight to the sorrows of an already broken hearted woman gallant old he meant what he said i knew and i i had been wont to share his sentiments not so very long ago but i said nothing in response to his outburst i merely the fragment of a tune under my breath my doing so causing him to stare at me in indignant surprise i suppose it is true he broke forth again it is not a malicious up lie as i heard of it first from the lips of the lady concerned in it i have no reason to doubt its accuracy i murmured coldly then you have known of it for some time i bent my head then why not have spoken he cried why not have told why not have done everything anything y rather than proclaim the fact of the poor miserable little disgrace to all the world why above all did you not challenge i was prepared to do so when he suddenly left for i rejoined and once there he u knew how to give my justice the slip he has entered the by heaven so he has and my father struck his walking stick heavily on the miserable young i i am glad i interrupted smiling slightly that you at last send the current of your wrath in the right direction it is rather unjust	33

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