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Therapy hurts, no therapy hurts too | I really don't see any future. I only suffer, I can't do this anymore. I have never feel that alone, I'm wasting the energy to live, because live hurts a lot. I really want to live to not make my partner suffer more, but everyminute is more horrible than the minute before. | 2 |
I really want to die, just don’t know how | Seriously I can’t bear this anymore. It’s all futile. The only reason that I’m still here is because I don’t know how to kill myself and I’m a coward that can’t bear pain.
Not sure which sleeping pills are the best for suicide.
I guess the best way would be to die at home but I really don’t know how | 3 |
I just want to leave and get it done with | I just want to die. And it feels so wild to say that. But that’s just how it is. Tired of waking up and having the sad out way my happiness. Feels like there is no end in sight. | 1 |
What's the point... | I don't see how living is supposed to be great I don't see the point of life. I feel my life is meaningless to myself but to others they say I'm a "blessing" and I wish I wasn't. Family and friends want me around but I don't want to be here. It's hard being an adult and i want out already because I can already see that it isn't worth it even though people say that being my age (21) isn't that bad. But I beg to differ. I don't want to be here.
I wish that my mom would've aborted me when she had the chance to because life isn't worth it to me. I don't see the point of "living" when I don't want to put in the energy to live or be alive and yet I'm fucking here. Call me lazy I don't care it's not like I want to do anything with my life anyway. I may be depressed but so be it.
I want to die but each time I try I can't do it I want someone else to do it. Quick and easy like shooting my head and I won't feel a thing which would be great for me but not the people that love me. I want death and if there is a God I only wish he didn't put me here. I feel like I absolute garbage every single day I wake up wishing I die in my sleep. I would trade my life for a person that didn't have a enough time to live a good life for mine in a heartbeat.
I don't know what I want to do with my life and I even went to school and flunked last semester. I went to school because it felt highly suggested that I go and now I'm unhappy which shouldn't matter as long as I pass right? Anyway if I still feel the same way after this next semester I'll commit suicide and hopefully succeed. | 1 |
I don't want to die, but I want to kill myself for the attention | except I hide it. I want attention so bad but I actively hide anything that would get that. only one person knows I'm suicidal really, and while I don't want to do anything to hurt them, there's an unrivaled happiness/satisfaction I get to knowing they're upset and worried about me. I often fantasize that I could do something dramatic, be on the edge of death, and have my parents find me and care about me. but in reality I hope they don't even find out I cut myself.
I haven't really figured out if I actually want to die though, it's all just parasuicidal I suppose. I want to take lethal actions, enough to make people concerned, but I don't fully know if I want those actions to kill me. though more and more lately I find myself thinking I'd rather be dead than deal with anything in my life, I can't cope with the concept adulthood it seems.
any 'attempt' I've done has very little chance of killing me and that's intentional, but I find myself getting more and more drawn and obsessed with the idea of pushing that boundary juuust a little further, then maybe I'll have earned the right to attention and for people to be concerned about me. I promised my friend I wouldn't try anything for the time being, but all these potential plans to attempt are constantly on my mind and it's driving me nuts.
I just want to be damaged enough that people will cry for me, pay attention to me, I'm sure there's other ways to get that but dying sounds appealing too... | 8 |
I'm not sure I can keep going | Title I hate my life shitty parents shitty living situation no friends no girlfriend no one who cares except one person who i can't even see they have been trying to help and I don't want to do it because of them but it becoming to muchI can't afford help nor would my parent help I'm underage I want to do it but I'm so fucking scared I don't want to let down the person I am talking to down but witch they are the only reason I'm alive now they are the only one who's shown care for me but it's to fucking hard I don't know if I can I'm not sure if my methods would actually kill me but I want to do it I don't want to let them down but I really don't want to live anymore idk what to do | 1 |
It's so sad being in the backseat, watching me destroy my own life | I'm breaking everything down and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't take care of myself anymore, I can't maintain relationships with the ones I love. I'm failing school. I'm failing work. I'm a fucking failure, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm better off gone. | 1 |
I want to sleep and never wake up | I don’t want to die, because I don’t want those around me to be in pain. I don’t want to cause anyone else the hurt that has been afflicting me all throughout my entire life, to be the cause of someone’s depression;
But I am so alone. My life is slowly losing meaning as I continue living, I am graduating next year and I’ve never felt more desolate. I wish my suicide attempt 2 years ago worked because I can’t do this anymore, I’ve become too empathetic to try again no matter how terrible I’m feeling.
I don’t want to live life. I don’t want to eat, or get a job or buy a house, I don’t want to put effort into anything. I want to lay in bed all day every day and sleep, I am tired of having responsibilities.
I’m tired of disappointing people with who I have become. I’m tired of explaining my scars to people. I’m scared of being alone and yet everyone leaves me. I’ve hurt so many of my friends and family members, I’ve hurt myself. I don’t feel like this world can offer anything to me any longer, I don’t feel like I can offer it anything either no matter how much someone can try to convince me. I live in a society where my identity needs to be hidden or else I have a large chance of being murdered or assaulted and I don’t want to live like this.
I don’t want to be trans, and I don’t want to die, but I’m starting to feel like the only way to not disappoint anyone anymore with my identity is to no longer be alive. I have people who love me but I don’t feel loved, I feel like a burden. | 44 |
I’m done. | I’m living till the 27th so I can go hang out with my mom and then I’m done. I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m soooo done | 2 |
It never ends. | “The time will pass anyways.” Is what I keep saying to myself. It’s not working anymore. Therapy neither. Nothing! If it wasn’t for my kid I wouldn’t be here anymore. My husband does not understand me, I don’t feel loved or cherished, my family doesn’t know how to deal with me. I don’t have friends anymore. Going out of my house to work every day is a never ending pain. And what’s worse is I’m so fucking privileged for living life the way I’m able to live: roof over my head, food on my plate, a job, I feel like shit because I can’t be grateful. But this never ending cycle of depression is beating my ass. Never attempted but I think about doing it at least 30 times a day now. I don’t go out to the world anymore, is like I’m not here, like I’m not a part of this stupid shit show. I keep watching everybody playing their part but I simply can’t do what I need to do to be like them. Giving up seems like the easiest and painless way out to me. Sometimes I wish it could happen by accident, I fall down the stairs, a car while I cross the street. Just so my kid don’t think of me as a weak fucking loser after im gone. Every time I think I’m finally going to be happy something bad happens to me! And I’m so fucking poor im exhausted of having to fight for dimes hustling my life away and living penniless with no comfort. I hate this. | 2 |
I don't care what you have to say if you're already on the other side of the metaphorical fence. | Someone trying to convince me to keep living and who has never been suicidal themselves or used to be suicidal but is in active recovery or whatever feels incredibly patronizing and makes me scoff. Like, sue me for being skeptical. Especially if so-and-so was depressed for only a year or two and they think they've got it all figured out and that there's hope for me, too...
Don't pretend you know what it's like. You look back on your experience and you have already forgotten the full scope of that pain. It's what our memories do because, well, why would we want to remember all that? So you're in no place to talk. Forget it if you're a cop or a doctor or somebody who legally has to save my life.
It reminds me of the marketing schtick, "You wouldn't hire an a to do b...so why would you hire a c to do d?" But there lies the conundrum, because if we can't get ourselves out of this mess, how the hell can we hope to convince others who are struggling to live?
Man. This is really a shit hand to be dealt for half of one's life. | 1 |
I ‘practice’ strangling myself every night | Maybe it’s a form of self harm. I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll die. I don’t mind. | 4 |
Hiring someone to do it. | I wish you could hire someone, like a hitman but on yourself. | 4 |
I don’t know why I’m sad | It’s annoying when I can’t even know why I’m sad at all. I guess if I try to not think about it it’ll go away. | 1 |
I don’t know what I feel | I’m not exactly happy or extremely depressed but from time to time I do think of ending my life and if given a choice for a painless fast way out I’d take it in a heartbeat.
I find myself planning my funerals sometimes or how to kms and I feel okay with it, not much sadness but more of a calm calculated plan of events.
Am I the only one? | 1 |
I’m not even allowed an ounce of happiness | After 2 months of pure depression where I failed to feel an ounce of happiness after a very very VERY hard breakup, I started getting close with a friend of a friend. And the moment I mention things are going nice and being around her makes me happy I’m immediately shut down and told to stop pursuing. I’m not pursuing shit I’m trying to have some fun being cute with a new person, she’s really cute and sure I’d love if something happened but that’s just not realistic so just let me have my fun and she’s enjoying me being around too. So why the fuck can’t I just feel the tiniest tiniest tiniest bit of nice and comfy false hope and an ounce of happiness? Is it too much for them do they just want me to be fucking miserable all the time?? I noticed I don’t think about suicide around her compared to all the fucking time when I’m not around her and even that is undeserved apparently. They’ll all fucking understand when I’m finally 6ft under and they wish they had said some thing different or more realistically they’ll never fucking know how they’re making me feel. Even tho I keep telling em I don’t got much more time left. | 2 |
Get to know me? | If anyone else that’s explorative and likes being nosey wants to get to know a new person, I’m open. I’m very close to losing it all so I think this is my last ditch effort to find someone to stay around for. | 6 |
[ Removed by Reddit ] | [ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the [content policy](/help/contentpolicy). ] | 0 |
I’ll maybe be in a traffic accident | Been suffering from some work problems lately, dying seems like a good idea | 1 |
My mind is constantly nagging for me to do it | Hey guys. I just wanna preface this by saying that I'm confident I won't ever pull the trigger (ha get it), largely because the amount of widespread pain that would cause to all my loved ones would be inconceivably enormous (and I suspect my little sister would follow me if I did), and I have SO much more out of life that I want to do and experience, I'm only 23 so my glory years are still ahead of me.
That being said, the urge/impulse/thought to commit suicide is a constant burden I bear. I estimate that it comes up in my mind ~100 times a day, ever day, with only small breaks occasionally. It's annoying at best, terrifying at worst. I wish I could just NOT have suicidal ideas come to mind but any time I face a negative view of myself (which is all too often) it's my perpetual immediate response. It ranges from mentally offing myself in my imagination to a repeated string of something along the lines of "I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die..."
I just want this to end man. I just want to be at peace with myself. I want to stop hating myself and start appreciating the truly fantabulous person that I am. How does one forgive themselves for unforgivable thoughts and feelings? | 2 |
Why should I suffer | Why should I have to continue to suffer? I've been through so much and I've tried so hard to fix myself, to "get better", I've been on every drug out there, done therapies, let people electrocute my brain I was so desperate.
I am so tired of suffering.
I am tired of bandaids and "it gets better".
Nothing is going to fix me. I was doomed from day one. | 3 |
I’m starting to feel like I should’ve jumped | Update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/14wdsny/i_almost_jumped_off_a_bridge_last_night_theres/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
There have been moment throughout the day where I’ve felt disconnected from the rest of my family in a way I’ve never felt. Everything hurts more consistently, and I hate my be lost more than I used to. Worst part is today I got the best sleep I’ve had in a while and I just feel worst. These moments make my mind immediately go to “you should’ve jumped”. I feel like such a burden. I feel like a monster. I’m not going to kill myself at my grandparents’ house, but I wish I could stop living. I wish I could just be openly trans and not lose all my confidence when I talk to my parents. I don’t know why, they are amazing parents and I know in the end they will support me, but I’ve talked to them before and they just don’t believe me. Im so sorry | 2 |
Lol | i really want to kill myself right now. but i'm going to order a pizza instead | 2 |
Woke up crying | Woke up crying and screaming. Physical and mental pain. Whatever way out i try to find, it proved worthless. To whom to pray anymore? Everything points to the one final decison | 6 |
Extreme Depression, Anxiety, Fear, and Nihilism | All the time. I wish I still believed in G-d. At age 19, my brain had developed to the point to where an extremely terrifying thought entered my mind: how do I know for sure that G-d exists? I've never seen Him, so how do I know? Since then, I've become Agnostic.
Since I'm genetically built to always be extremely unhappy, I must end my life. The problem - my mother. She refuses to die, so I am stuck having to help her in her old age. She is too healthy at age 73. She lives the life of a 40 year old woman. She will probably live to age 85. I asked my mother if she would like to join me in a duo-suicide, but she told me that she enjoys life too much and wants to remain alive for as long as possible. Oh well. I am going to have to just kill myself anyway, and my mother will just have to learn to deal with it. | 1 |
Yeah | This is probably going to sound cryptic because I don't want to mention what happened by name. But I let my parents know about two months ago what happened to me as a child. Not all the details, just generally what happened. And for the first time I said out loud that is what I was thinking about when I attempted to hang myself a few years ago. That was the biggest thing on my mind at that moment even though general life stress pushed me to do it, not my past.
I think I want to tell my story to someone, but I don't know who. I have this fear that a therapist will make me feel worse about it overall, because I've had that experience before. I also don't know how to control myself physically or mentally when I address what happened. The last time I did I showed clear signs of a PTSD meltdown. It was so surreal to witness myself acting like I was a child again. I've done it before but didn't realize that was what was happening until now... it's not a good look. I do talk to a psychologist, I've known him for 10 years and he's helped me so much. But I also never told him about this until recently. The kid in me thinks he will be disgusted with me if he knows the details. That's why I haven't told anyone else in my life despite it happening over 20 years ago.
I think there's things that are honestly too dark to talk about, even with a professional. That is one of those things. I know he's a psychologist, but he is not a specialist in that kind of trauma. My mom is a social worker/mental health educator herself, and teaches people like him and other mental health professionals how to cope with the worst things they see and hear in their careers in order to keep doing what they're doing. It does bother them, and I don't want to contribute to what deeply bothers a person just trying to help me.
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Edit: Whoever sent the "Reddit cares" bot shit, thanks, unironically. You made me chuckle | 6 |
I wouldn't mind if the world ended right fckng now | Let the world just end ,who really wants to continue experiencing this misery anyway | 20 |
i’m going to kill myself | my ex boyfriend is (probably) suing me. his lawyer is famous and very expensive and very well connected and he will succeed. he’s suing me because i talked publicly about him raping me. a lot of people believed me but a lot of people didn’t. he raped me. we were laying in bed together and he started to touch me and i told him no and shoved his hands away then he touched me again and i said no again then he put his fingers inside of me and held me down against the bed with his whole body weight on top of me. he is bigger than me and stronger. he kept touching me and i didn’t hurt him. i tried to push him away. i kept crying and begging him to stop. that wasn’t enough for him. that wasn’t enough punishment for him. now he wants to parade me like i am a liar. i don’t have proof of what he did to me. but it’s in my head all the time. how he held me there. he did it many times.
once i met his friend and he accused me of wanting to cheat on him when all i did was talk to his friend after he took off his shirt because the room was too hot. then when we were alone my ex boyfriend pushed me into the wall and held me there with his forearm at my neck and put his hand in my pants. he kept touching me. he asked me if i wanted his friend to touch me like that and i told him no and i begged him to stop. no one will believe me. no one will believe me and it happened to me and i want to die. i just want to die so badly. i don’t want to have to prove what he did. i just want to be able to say it out loud without being brought to be humiliated in some court room in front of strangers and in front of him. i don’t have enough money to fight back against him. i’m 21 years old. i don’t have a job. he moved me away from all my family so i couldn’t leave. he called me a stupid bitch every day. he screamed at me and shoved me and hit me. he threw me into furniture. he broke his phone throwing it at my head. i want it to end. i want him to leave me alone but he won’t. i want him to stop but he won’t. i want him to leave me alone. i want him to leave me alone. i am going to kill myself. i am so stupid for not leaving him the first time he pushed me around. for not leaving the first time he raped me. i am so stupid i don’t deserve to live so i am going to die | 120 |
No, I'm not grateful for my life. *vent* | This is more of a vent than anything. Please don't make me feel bad by expressing what a crybaby I sound like in this post. Getting my feelings out just really help me...and that's what I'm doing.
I want to preface this by first saying, I love my friends and family and pets dearly. I also have things that I enjoy, video games, the ocean, books...
However...people have asked me when I've discussed my suicidal thoughts with them, if I would trade all of the good things in my life to have never been born. My answer is yes. Absolutely. Maybe there is something deeply wrong with me, but I know my feelings of love are 100% real. I have BPD so I feel that love intensely. But I also have major depression. The combination of severe sadness and chronic emptiness from both disorders makes existing a, quite frankly, horrible existence.
I'm bitter over the fact that I was born without my consent and I have to live without my consent. I have to "push through cuz it'll get better." I've heard that my whole life, and things have gotten worse. I think that I should have the autonomy to end my life in a way that doesn't involve me illegally overdosing or buying a gun. I've never once felt like I should be here. I have moments of happiness sure...but in spite of the good times, I would choose to die rather live. | 2 |
No life and no future | (27M) I have never had a friend in my life. Everyone around me tries to use me like a cattle to suck my soul out. I went through a traumatic event, I forgot most of my life, and all the skills I learned along the way. So for 3 years I have been struggling to even be happy.
I can't go back to college because I cannot afford it, and I have had problems with learning ever since this traumatic event happened.
I can't even flirt with a woman anymore because who wants to be with a merchandiser that doesn't have any life skills anymore? I am incapable of raising children, therefore I am not even considerable for a relationship. Then I will be 30, and I will be worth nothing. I can't afford college.
I am stuck being a merchandiser at a dead end job where everyone looks down on me, and they don't even care about what happened to me. My coworkers are not my friends, and they're all grown ass men who gossip like 14 year old girls.
Every day is a struggle to even stay sane. I always have these feelings of dread that never go away, and when they do go away, they come back. It isn't depression either, it's like I have a hole in my head with low brain activity that just does not stop. I can feel it every day and I cannot stop it. I exercise, I read books, I try to do something fun, and there is nothing that changes the way I feel.
I would see a therapist but I cannot afford one, and the insurance my company offers, is $250 a month + the $40 copay it would take to visit a therapist so it would be over $300 just to effectively see a therapist. | 4 |
If you’re semi-despondent and nearing breakdown because the most important person in your life uses you as an emotional crutch and you can’t take another day of talking someone down from suicide, clap your hands | 👏 👏 | 3 |
I wish I had someone for me to hug | null | 221 |
Suicide a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem | I wish those words were true the pain I am in the last 5 years of my life have not gone away. I have seen countless doctors and people to help me with no results. The love of my life left me and the reason to keep going is gone. I was asked by a therapist to fill out a form of reasons to keep going and I had nothing to put. I went to the hospital and was cleared to leave. While being honest with them completely they don’t think I should be there anymore. If the hospital system has given up it’s my time to go I am ready to go into the void. I can’t be with her in this life so in the next life I will be with her. | 3 |
i’m so helpless and alone i want to kms | i know it. everyone hates me. everyone is gonna leave me. i’m going to be left alone with no one to understand me. i’m so afraid. i can’t live like this anymore. my mind is constantly racing, its like i’m in survival mode constantly. my past haunts me, i think i should end my life. im never enough, im nothing, im horrible, im stupid, i burden people, i upset them, i’m the worst to exist in this world, no matter what i do ill never be enough. | 2 |
Not sure if I want to do it today | Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I’ve been suffering from psychotic bipolar disorder the past years and I’m only 21 years old. My sex drive is gone and going to die a virgin. My family doesn’t understand. My head hurts I can even concentrate on anything anymore | 1 |
Yeah, I'm gonna just go ahead and do it. | I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being jerked around. | 2 |
I just need company. Please someone talk to me. I feel alone and I think maybe I’m going crazy | I’ve been suicidal for years. I’m 19 now, and have been suicidal probably since I was 11 or 12. I thought it would get better but it’s worse
I have OCD and it’s been getting bad. Like extremely bad. And sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I think I may be delusional. I deal with religious OCD and I’m scared shitless all the time of my higher powers. It’s exhausting
I really just want it to stop. I feel so fucking alone. I hate everything about myself. I don’t feel deserving of love or any sort of help from my friends and partner. I just want to be dead
I feel disgusting about everything about myself. And I feel so fucking alone. I just want someone to talk to. I can’t handle this anymore | 1 |
I feel like my life is devolving to nothing (17F) | Sorry, but this is gonna be really long and it's basically just gonna be a rant with never-ending run-on sentences, no structure just word vomit.
I have no idea what's happening. This year has gotten my mental health messed up, although I have gone through worse I feel like I've reached a point of nothingness. For reference, when I was growing up I was the only person of colour in my entire school and community, because of the way I looked I was bullied heavily at school. My middle school experience is still what haunts me today, and I will always consider it the worst thing that happened to me. Even now, memories from the past keep arising, in fact, this year I was diagnosed with PTSD after having repeated flashbacks of the time my bullies locked me in a locker for hours and covered up the spaces in hopes I would suffocate (I'm also claustrophobic now, so isn't that great). Why this is relevant because, during my last term at school, my PTSD had been getting worse, I couldn't sleep, I would wake up constantly in cold sweats from nightmares and most of all I would have manic episodes and panic attacks. It was really hard to find help since I go to boarding school and although I love my school, it just felt like no one could understand what was happening to me. I was even too scared to go to my family because when I went to them when the original situation was going on in middle school, I had once screamed at my parents saying I wish I was never Asian and their response was to kill myself if I hated being Chinese so much. (this led to suicidal thoughts during that time but thankfully I secretly got a therapist (no one in my family knows about this because they don't believe in mental health) who helped me out of that dark place).
Not only was my past catching up to me, my present is scaring me. on top of the PTSD, I've been having panic attacks and depressive episodes because I feel so under pressure. I'm applying to university this year; the stress has never been this bad. My academics have never scared me in the past but this year I started the IB program at my boarding school and also I applied a year early meaning that I'm the youngest (and dumbest) person in my school. I've been trying to keep up with school but it's been so hard. I've been studying so much but it still feels like no matter how hard I try it will never work. The worst amount of stress has been coming from my family. My mom went to the best university in China while my sister graduated from Harvard just a few years ago. The pressure to fit in with my family has been constant. And even though the familial pressure has always been present it has never been this bad. All I've ever wanted was to fit in with my family, being taller and tanner (against Chinese beauty standards) than my entire family has made me feel like an outcast enough but on top of that I am so much dumber. After my final exams this year, I ended with a 39/45 in the IB and cried. I have never had such a bad panic attack. although the grade seems good to most people, my family has never been more mad. My sister called me to tell me that there was no reason I shouldn't have gotten a 45, my mom told me she had given up on me, and my dad told me that I would never be the daughter he wanted. They all want me to go to an Ivy but as of right now, my grade isn't even high enough to apply. Not only that, my SAT score is bad and it just feels like no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough.
All these thoughts and panic attacks even brought back my episodic illness, paroxysmal hemicrania, which is basically a headache that feels like someone is stabbing you repeatedly in the head. When I used to get them the pain was so bad that I would temporarily go blind and deaf on one side of my head. at school, I started having to go to the emergency room but because there is no cure, I would just be prescribed a ton f pain killers even including morphine pills (I don't take them tho because I'm struggling enough, I don't need a drug addiction on top of that and I know myself too well).
To pile on top of the already horrendous amount of stress, my "friend" who I'll admit is quite toxic, tried to kill herself. I know this sounds bad to shit on her because I understand her state of well-being is not great, but this year she had dragged so many people down, from threatening to kill herself if her boyfriend broke up with her to breaking into my room to take things to use our friendship. Even though our relationship was super toxic (which is why I ended it), I still care about her safety. During my final exam, I was pulled out of school because she had tried to kill herself and she asked specifically for me. That image will never leave my mind; it brought out my past self. I feel so exhausted from calling her parents to calling the school to keep tabs on her to calling hotlines to help her to be constantly in fear that she's on the verge of ending it all. It's just too much. Even though I set boundaries, I can't take this all.
With all that is going on/has gone on in my life, I just can't deal with it. Everything is horrible and even though I love my life most of the time, I'm just so tired. I feel burnt out. I genuinely love and value my life and I am so grateful for it, especially knowing that many of my friends at school have gone through worse things like war, but I can't help but feel no motivation to continue surviving. Even with all the good times it just feels like things keep piling up and I can't escape. Recently, I've lost the motivation to do anything. I don't sleep because I can't, I don't eat because I have no motivation to do so and even today the thing that set me off was the fact that I have ten fucking cavities because I had no motivation to before basic human tasks like flossing and the only thing that kept me awake from the long study hours and lack of sleep during exam season was energy drinks.
My family has already given up on me and yelled at me repeatedly about being tired of me. My biggest wish since I was little was to make them proud, and I know that will never happen. My past keeps haunting me, my physical health is declining and relies on painkillers. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like my life is a never-ending shit show and this is just the surface. There's just so much and I can't fucking deal with it. I don't want to die because I value my life a lot and the people I'm around even in hard times but it's just too much. I don't know what's happening and I just want this spiral to be over. I want the "nothing" to be over. | 5 |
My depression is back yipeee | Just to be clear im currently 17 years old. After a long year, with full of depression, my life started to get better, and most of my problems just disappeared. I started to enjoy that, im alive. Recently, a lot of my problems came back, and new ones appeared. Im depresses asf most of the times. Last year i had a huge issue, i wasnt able to talk about my problems, or it was just really hard and it happened too rarely. Now its happening again. I cant talk about my problems with my friends. Theyre everything to me. My family is kind of falling apart. Some of my friends are much more important to me than a lot of my relatives. But i just cant talk with them about whats happening with me again. I think they dont even know smth bad is going on in my life. And maybe they doesn't even care about it. Maybe thats why its much harder for me to talk about things like this. I dont know what to do. I cant go to therapy, i cant talk about anything to my parents, so its kind if impossible. Im thinking about suicide, again. A lot. Too much. I just cant focus on things most of the time. My thoughts doesnt let me. So yeah. No one is going to read this shit, no ones going to say about this shit. Im just another random asshole crying here on a subreddit | 2 |
I can't even cry | I'm so dead inside. I don't know how someone as weak, loathable and incompetent as I could exist. If only everyone else was dead. Then I'd be free. I wouldn't have to spend hours strategising ways to fit in. I wouldn't have to hold in my anger and fail all the same. I wouldn't have to get glared at for being different. I wish they'd all die and disappear. | 1 |
I'm a genuine burden | I'd like to believe my boyfriend when he says I'm not, but my mom, my only support since I was 12, has been giving mixed signals lately and it's taken a horrible toll.
My mental illnesses forced me to drop out of uni and out of any form of future livable income and turned me into a leech living off my parents' occasional sympathy,
My friends all slowly abandoned me because I'm difficult to deal with and I've had nobody to call a friend in theee years,
I keep guilt-tripping my boyfriend into being the support I should've gotten from different people over the years,
My current job not only threatens my physical health due to continuous hours under the sun which prompt me to get sick or even faint, but also if I do get sick and have to leave I don't get paid not a single hour I've been there as proven last month,
My family is entirely unstructrured for a number of serious issues and they spend whole days screaming at each other and/or at me, etc.
I've wanted to die since I was bullied and later taken advantage of but now that I'm medicated for all my mental illnesses derived and inherited I realise I can't use my story to not admit on being a useless bratty excuse of a human. I'm terrified of hurting myself, I just wish I could sleep and never wake up again.
My boyfriend can do better, I know he can. | 5 |
Nobody understands me | I don’t have any friends, don’t have a girflfriend, don’t have a therapist. I have no one that I can talk to about literally anything. Some year or two ago my parents came into my room while I was crying and asked why. I explained that it was about my looks. They weren’t helpful at all, first they gaslit me by saying It was all in my head, then they made me feel guilty about it. They said that If I am calling myself ugly then I am also by extention calling them ugly since I have their genes. People on here have also done this by saying I’m not ugly egen though they don’t even know what I look like. It feels horrible that people gaslight me and tell me it’s wrong to feel depressed about my appearence. I have already decided to kill myself and it will be mostly because of my looks. I wish that someone would acknowledge what I’m going through without gaslighting me. It just makes me feel more alone than I already am. | 1 |
Everything's getting too much | I've been suicidal on and off for the past few weeks, but the self harming and cutting is getting worse.
I just can't stop cutting myself and in worried I'm getting closer and closer to the bottom of my wrists. | 1 |
Should I tell my family I’m going to commit suicide? | I think maybe telling my family what I’m going to do will ease the pain and let them spend more intentional and meaningful time with me until the end. I’ve heard that cancer is a less painful process for the family because they have more time to settle into the idea that they’re going to lose their loved one.
My family loves me a lot, and I don’t want to hurt them, but I HAVE to do this. Is it a good idea to tell them in advance? Will it be kinder that way?
I was thinking I could give them a timeframe of like 4-6 months so they don’t know when to hospitalize me. Should I pretend I have a serious illness and my time is limited instead? I’m 19, and on my parents’ insurance, so maybe they’d be able to find out I’m making it up. I don’t really know that much about how these things work in the USA.
Any advice would be appreciated! | 1 |
I can’t take this shit anymore | I hate my life so much. I’m being forced to go to an engineering school to take 4 chemistry classes, plus other classes that I KNOW I can’t handle and if I drop out I risk being the biggest disappointment on the face of the earth. I’m not an engineer. I don’t wanna be an engineer and I’m going to a school that everyone around me insisted that I go to that I don’t even want to do. I feel trapped and feel like I can’t escape to do something I actually want to do. And I feel like there is no other way out rather than dying but I’m terrified of how my fam’s gonna react if i attempt suicide again. I hate that I can’t dictate my own life whatsoever and I feel like there’s no point in living now because im just gonna be miserable af anyway. | 2 |
I don’t know what to think of this. It will forever be stuck in my mind and it hurts | I’ve (F17) been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for about three years now, after years of bad self esteem and body image during my early childhood. A few months ago I was at my lowest point mentally. I was binging and purging almost every day and self harming every day. Seeing myself in the mirror made me want to slit my veins open and tear my eyes out. I fantasised a lot about suicide and I’ve written a few letters that I keep hidden, letters that were supposed to be for my family after I died. I’d made plans just in case, in case it became too much I had detailed plans. One day after hours and hours and days and weeks and months of feeling like this I decided fuck it and might as well. I swallowed a bunch of antidepressants and other pills. But i feel like I purposefully went for the ones that weren’t too fatal just in case I changed my mind or had a second thought. It didn’t work anyways. After twenty minutes sitting there with the pills in my stomach while crying, I made myself vomit everything back up in the toilet. Since then I’m doing better mentally (not physically yet) but this day stays stuck in my mind I can’t get it out. The horrible feelings of emptiness and the feeling of seeing those pills in the toilet bowl while sobbing and knowing I was a failure. I don’t even feel like I count as having struggled since it’s not like I went for a deadly pill, just a bunch of random antidepressants. I wish I could just forget. But I can’t. I can’t move on and that day and period of my life feels stuck on repeat in my brain. I don’t know what to do. | 2 |
I almost died | I was testing how hard it would be to hang myself… made a simple noose, threw the end over the door and I passed out in what must have been just a few seconds. I woke up desperately trying to loosen the noose, vaguely aware of what just happened. It felt so surreal… if I had actually tied the other end to the door knob, I would not be here right now. Grateful I wasn’t seriously injured but also pleasantly surprised at just how easy it would be for me to take my life whenever I want. | 1 |
I'm dying this month. | To anyone reading this, I'll be killing myself this month.
It sucks that nothing ever worked out for me and no one supported me but, such is life I suppose.
I'll be having my neck run over by a train for anyone curious, I already have the location and time planned just hope I can actually die from it.
Not dying and any consequences that my follow from my failed unaliving is why I held out for so long but fuck it, I dont care anymore, at this point I've fully accepted it and feel relieved.
Hope someone can relate to this. | 1 |
Help me dealing with my depression friend in discord . | So it begun with one day i was on discord and out of nowhere There's a girl that loses her grand that make her really into depression she talk about how much she missed him etc. and she begun to break down into deeper of the deeper depression once she threat me with picture of herself jumping of second floor of the building That's really scared the shit out of me since i am having depression too i tried to cheer her up no matter how many time still no sign of better she still trying to kill herself And I cant leave her becuase she threating me to stay with her I was turned into some stort of sick fuck I have to stay almost 2 day to check up on her for a months now I really needed help to get out of this | 1 |
Trip to Vegas | Experience of life with no friends, no love. I went to Vegas because I wanted to kill myself. Incidentally watched Leaving Las Vegas before buying tickets. Also, my father kind of lit a spark of curiosity about traveling in me. Lastly, i had a hypotheses that if I had money and was free then life would be fun. So i wanted to test it out. It was supposed to be a demo of such life. It wasn’t fun. Neither did I have unlimited money, but it didn’t seem fun even with $1200 spent on a weekend trip. I was socially anxious, uncomfortable, the only word exchanges i had were with taxi drivers, hotel check-in boys and waiters. There was also silent nodding at the poker table. I lost $180 by slow-playing pocket aces. I wanted to extract value, but guy got straight on a river. If you don’t know how to talk to people, create fun around you, excite others, then no amount of money is going to make life worthwhile.
Remember that moronic prophecy you are told as a kid, about friendship being the most important part of life? When you are at playground with your friends this seems stupid, like: “fuck of with your wisdom aight? I’m having fun, can’t you see?” My social development got stuck at that stage, where everything was simple. This prophecy fulfilled itself. The most important part of life is missing.
Treating depression with medication didn’t help, i feel more alive without it. My best friend who happens to be a girl and we happen to have had a romantic relationship is going through the same shit. She is also deeply unsatisfied with herself. I’m afraid i played some part in it. The antidepressant medication doesn’t help her. I’m afraid for her. She asked me not to talk to her for a few days because she needs to collect her thoughts.
My other friend is a guy I met in high school, he was two grades above me. We did lots of drugs together while i was in school. It was not a healthy relationship. Deranged brotherhood. Now we are better of.
I talk to them both online only, because i moved to another country. There is no one else. Mom is mom, dad is dad, love them very much, not friends tho. You know.
So what am i left with now? What are the options? Probably plenty, i just can’t see.
What an evil joke life is
What a deceptive part of life comfort zone is
What a dumb joke i am
I’m back from vegas and alive, venting? I would think so if last 5 years of my life were not venting. I think it all was a preparation for the final departure. And i’m finally close to take of time. Prepared. Am becoming more and more convinced in that lately
Well, what are we thinking boys? | 1 |
need help asap | need someone to talk to please | 1 |
I really need someone's perspective, PLEASE | Hello everyone, I am 17 and I feel like my mind will burst into a thousand pieces. I have been going through something (I really don't know what to think of this) since February I guess. I'm sorry for this long message. First off I am extremely confused with my emotions. **I don't know if I have a mental health issue or if this is just something random.** I know I am a teenager and can have emotional disturbance due to hormones and this might be a part of that but that just confuses me more. See this is also how I overthink.
I have literally tried everything, I have confided in my friends - They have consoled me, supported me, and everything but I just can't seem to believe them. I feel so guilty when I share things with them, it just isn't working out. I also feel like I'm making a big issue out of things.
I've also talked to my parents and family members. I haven't been able to explain them properly or as consistently but I have tried but they dont understand the depth of what it is, how could they, I can't explain it to them or even myself.
I also went to a therapist once, but she just took 5 minutes and did the two-week mental health assessment and said that I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like I couldn't explain my thoughts and emotions to her properly. I really dont know.
It has formed kind of like a wavy pattern. For a few days it's so bad, to the extent of suicidal ideation even but then I start getting better and think that ok that was nothing just me overthinking but it comes back. Even worse at times. But in times when it's not there I do have good moments. This is so hard. I feel sad half of the time and I dont even know whyyy. I can't focus on work but then I wonder if I'm just using this as an excuse for my laziness. I have exams coming up and I'm so scared. | 5 |
i tried to choke myself | i'm 16 and i tried to choke myself today. it has just been too much atp and i couldn't take it anymore. even tho i wasn't intending to kill myself, at the moment it really felt like i was and it made me cry my eyes out. i've calmed down a bit now but i'm so scared of myself, i can't trust myself being alone. i'm scared out of my mind. i can't talk to anyone irl abt this, i'd just worry them, and i really needed to vent this out. | 4 |
I wish I could kill myself right now | I feel stuck because of the things I love around here. But I know there will come a time when I give them all away. When I am sure they are in a safe place, I won’t have second thoughts then. I’ll be free. Free fall into a black hole and never to wake up. | 3 |
Didn’t realise it was over until it was too late | I’m alone and have no purpose. Anywhere I’ve went I’ve been able to get on with people but never made any actual friends since I was in school/college. Most people already have a life outside of work and once you no longer work together, you end up not hearing from them again.
I have no friends and never even had a girlfriend at almost 30. I have almost no life experience and have little to talk about and people can sense it. I’ve always been very quiet and reserved so never made close connections with people and although I was fine at first, I’ve realised it’s usually too late by the time you’re an adult to build a social circle. Now walking around town as people are out doing things together or being at work listening to what people are getting up to with their partners and friends I’ve realised how much I’ve shut myself out of.
My life at this point just consists of lying in bed all day watching a tv series since I’ve been laid off from my job. Work at least gave me a reason to get up in the morning and actually looked forward to it as I liked some of the people I worked with. Now, I don’t even see the point in looking for another job. I’ve got close to enough money to put down a deposit for a house if I were to buy but the truth is I only have it as I’ve got nothing to spend money on outside the essentials.
In short, I don’t see the point in continuing another 50 years, give or take, just existing for no reason. I probably wouldn’t even be here now if it wasn’t for my parents still being alive. I’d been telling myself if I was going to end it that I’d wait until my parents were gone at least but even now while they’re still here I’m seriously thinking about it.
There is nothing to look forward to in my life. If I was to die tomorrow, I’d have not a single person outside of family that would even come to the funeral. I just don’t see the point in carrying on. | 3 |
Is it really that bad suicide? Im really considering it. I don't feel like my life matters to anyone rather than my boyfriend and my brother. Im so fucking lost. | Im going to use this as my method of journaling. But only once. I The degree that i was doing was horrible for me. I was about to commit suicide a couple times. My life recently has been a complete mess and i feel like im loosing it completely. I can't do this anymore. Im going to try though. But I don't think it's possible. My mom is not speaking to me knowing that i have this kind of thoughts, and she makes my life imposible. I can't do this no more. | 1 |
I don’t think I’m gonna bounce back this time | I’m just too broken. I’m too far gone down the path of being someone I don’t want to be. I try to do better but I just keep hurting people I love with my toxic habits, and I’m finally at the point where no one wants to be around me. NO ONE. I have no family, no friends, and my partner, the one person in my life who has given me endless chances, is done. I’m alone. And I don’t think anyone else should have to deal with me.
I’m not even sad or scared about the idea of ending it. I’m just numb. I have enough pills to do it. Why am I hesitating? Because I hope that someone will give me another chance? I don’t deserve one. I’m a liar and a manipulator and I don’t even know I’m doing it until I’ve hurt someone and they tell me what I did. People like me don’t deserve happiness, and without happiness, I have nothing to live for. My ex has turned my son against me. My parents don’t care if I live or die (they haven’t contacted me in 2.5 years) and I’ve lost every friend I ever had by being trans (I was from a really conservative background).
I think… I think it’s time. I’ve put it off enough. I’m done. | 1 |
Nothing will change the fact that I’m a damaged, sick, insignificant, uncaring individual with no intent to continue living. | I’m under the impression that nothing will change me or improve me, I’m broken. I will always be the person that I am, a toxic, autistic, passive-aggressive person who will never be able to form relationships. I feel like I have no desire to do anything at all, I just simply “don’t mind” doing things, because in theory it’s “better than doing nothing”.
I feel like I have no personality or unique quirks, I am simply robotic and emotionless most of the day, with a sprinkle of depression. I do feel things sometimes, when something is unexpectedly funny, I laugh, when something is unexpectedly interesting, I get intrigued. Though I feel it takes much more for me to get to that point.
Me caring about something is a big feat in my mind, even my mother says that I’m “never excited about anything”, most of the time I just don’t have the motivation to even get up from the couch, let alone having a passion or hobby that you absolutely adore. Every hobby or profession I’ve tried I’ve just gotten sick of. I often ask myself “if you don’t care about life, then why do you live?” And this is a question I battle myself on everyday.
One day i will give in and end it but I guess I think why not at least give the mental health system another try before I do anything final. Maybe some magical medication will somehow fix me and make me want to live. That’s the only thing keeping me here at this point. | 1 |
I am on the edge. | My life is getting worse and worse and i am on the edge of ending it. Words cant describe how i feel. I wish i was never born | 10 |
I want to torture myself before I die | There must've been a reason that I turned out like this, how cruel the world has been to me. Whatever it was I deserve it
I can't do it yet but god does it sound nice | 1 |
I have an insatiable desire to fire a bullet right inside my brain | Anger issues, overthinking, anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts all gone. | 2 |
Worth more De@d than alive | It's not that I necessarily want to die....I just don't want to be alive anymore. I just had another surgery last week. I'm so sick of the them. Chronic pain is my bestie. Surgeries lined up for years. When does quality of life out way quantity? Idk. I'm just over it. The bills are just ....too high. I have just over a dollar in my bank account right now. Short-term disability still has not gone through. Long story short no f****** money once again.
The surgery I had last week.....is technically my first failed suicide attempt. I found out I am factor viii deficient just before the surgery. I was gonna take aspirin but then thought they might test and find it (negating the life insurance policy) so I loaded up on ginger and tumeric instead. It didn't work obviously.
I had everything (I could think of ready). All my passwords were written down for important accounts. Went through and deleted risky pics so my kids wouldn't find them later. Connected with those I needed to pre- surgery. Made sure life ins policy was squared away and accessible. Shit like that. Put as much as I could in a notebook before the surgery. Didn't think I was going to come out, and here I am. My family needs that money to survive rn.
I know how horrible it all sounds. I know I'm an awful person for everything I just typed. For how I feel. For how I live. For wanting to give up. Every. Single. Day. And usually with a smile on my face, functioning around those I love in order to not bring them down and my misery. I just don't know how much longer I can "function" in this.
Everything I read and everybody I talk to says to try to find something greater than yourself or greater than your job or a purpose... This is what makes you happy?
But what is my purpose? Aside from being a burden on literally every single person that is in my life rn? Everyone. I used to take care of everyone, and now they all find themselves taking care of me. Physically but almost always emotionally and mentally. I used to be the person that people would turn to during times of trauma and crisis.... And now it is me that turns to what few people are left.
I know I need to go ask for help.... I won't be able to hold down this job much longer and I feel as though I have a limited time to use this life insurance policy. I get it. I get what I just said and the horrificness of it. I'm acutely aware of everything that I am saying and the irrationality of it.
I'm also afraid that if I ask for help I'm going to lose even more people that are close to me again. Which I know I get it, it won't matter if I'm alive and the people that love me won't leave blah blah blah blah...... I'm just tired of all of it I'm tired of the cycle I'm tired ...I'm just so f****** tired.
Idk how much longer I can do this. How much longer I can keep pretending I'm okay | 1 |
I'm feel like shit... Am I relapsing? | For context; Been off the antidepressants for months now, maybe half a year? I knew I needed a dosage/prescription change, but I couldn't afford going to the doctor and it didn't feel safe to continue with what I had so I stopped. Also stopped birth control a few months ago. Originally started taking it for hormone and period balancing cuz I would pass out every first day of my period with how strong it was, I'd be bedridden for an entire day.
Just started taking birth control lately after finally being able to restock again and now I feel like utter shit. I had big downs without both anti depressants and pills but I managed to get myself up this past month but now that I'm starting again all of the feelings and symptoms are coming full blast... God, I don't know if I'm relapsing and I'm so terrified that that might be the case. I feel so shit | 3 |
Did I mess up by going on my brother's laptop, finding a suicide note, and calling 911? | So my brother has been acting weird the past few weeks. Not sleeping, gaining weight, not bathing, etc. I thought it was because of a break up but apparently he lost his job too. Things seemed to be getting better, he finally started showering and shaving and seemed way more relaxed. But my parents and I noticed that he's been selling or giving away a lot of his stuff. He's the kind of person who is a bit of a packrat, a step below a hoarder. But he doesn't collect useless junk, he collects a lot of things like limited edition books, comics, dvds, merch, etc. He keeps them all in boxes in the closet and stacked against the wall in his room. My family jokes that it's a big fire hazard. He says it's good to have and that they'll "go for a lot on ebay someday". But now he's been selling some of it, and mostly donating tons of boxes to Goodwill. We ask him about it, but he kinda laughs it off and says it's good to finally clean his room. He also has been full of energy lately, and constantly going out and running errands. I didn't like any of this, so 2 days ago I asked him if he was good, but again he laughed it off and told me everything is going to be okay. And then later that night he gave me a box of his clothes, including an expensive leather jacket that our uncle (his godfather) gifted him.
Sorry for the long backstory. But as you can imagine, I really felt like something was wrong. So yesterday, while he was out, I went on his laptop (he uses the same password for everything) and I went through the search history. And I found a bunch of searches like "how much does a funeral cost" or "how much does a cremation cost without a funeral". There were also a lot of searches like "which is the fastest/quickest way to die". And THEN....on his google docs, I found a typed up suicide note. Pages long. Portions of it were letters to each member of the family and his friends, but it was mostly incomplete or a rough draft. I don't want to go into much detail, but I'll just say he feels like life has no meaning and feels like a waste of a human being and just wants to either "reset things" or stop existing altogether. It's like he doesn't even want to go to heaven. I couldn't find an actual reason why. No mention of the ex or losing his job either.
So the first thing I thought to do was tell my parents. They said they will talk to him when he comes home, but I didn't think that was enough. Our parents are very hands off and don't like to interfere much. I told them that I'm worried he's going pretend that he's fine and then do something to himself. But they still act like it's not that big of a deal. I call my brother and ask when he's coming home. He said in about 30 minutes. So I call 9-1-1 right after. They immediately send an officer and an ambulance (and a fire truck for some reason) and I tell them what I found. My brother comes home around this time and the officer talks to him and my brother gets really defensive and upset. The officer starts tensing his body language, which my parents notice right away. So my mom gets really upset and begs my brother to not fight back and just go to the ER and do what they say. My brother starts crying at this point and they take him in the ambulance. My mom follows in her car while my dad stays behind. He is PISSED at me, saying I just made things so much worse.
So I find out later from my mom that my brother kept denying he was going to kill himself, but the triage nurse still decided to call psych and keep him for like 2-3 days because he apparently didn't convince her that he wasn't suicidal. My mom told me that all the stuff he was writing was just his way of dealing with his depression and that I shouldn't have looked at it in the first place. And he was selling and giving away stuff because he wanted the money to move out and that he had way too much stuff he didn't want anymore.
In my gut, I don't buy it. I do believe he was going to hurt himself. And part of me feels like I rather that he gets help while in the hospital, even if he hates me. But my parents are practically ready to disown me. This all happened yesterday evening and I've been up all night feeling like crap. My mom also told me that he was supposed to have a big job interview today but now he's going to miss it. My dad shouted at me that this will be on his record for life and will affect his future. (and he's not the angry type, so I know he is really mad). My brother also said he never wants to see my face again and my dad kinda said the same thing so I've been hiding up in my room. My mom is more understanding, but she's siding with my brother and says I overreacted. So yeah. That's the situation. Did I screw up big time? What could I have done differently? | 6 |
Things don't seem to be real anymore | I'm not sure why everything feels like I'm watching a film these days. It seems like all my actions, memories and thoughts are not mine, that they're someone or... something else's. I don't know how to describe it very well, but it just feels like nothing around me exists. I know its there but... in a sense that I don't know of I'm seeing it with my own eyes someone else's | 3 |
Life sucks | It sucks when you’ve been feeling good for a week or two – going out, working, trying to live your best life – then it hits you one day. Fuck I’m still wanting to end it all. I’ve pushed it aside and I was trying to forget the thoughts, but today, it’s shouting at me.
I just wish I have someone I could talk to or just someone to stay with me even without talking. Just be there when I want to kill myself.
MY LIFE IS A FUCKING CIRCUS.
I’M JUST TIRED OF IT. | 3 |
I feel stuck, I don't think life will get better | TW: suicidal thoughts
I didn't think I'd live this long. I had a goal to make it to my high school graduation. I just wanted my family to be proud of me. I wanted them to see how hard I was trying. A part of me also hoped I would feel better by that point. That maybe I would enjoy life enough to want to continue for as long as possible.
It happened. I graduated. But it didn't feel like much of anything. It felt okay. I felt good for a bit but then the realization that I had no clue what to do next hit me like a ton of bricks. I had already applied to college since that's what everyone around me had done. But I tried to tell my family that I didn't want to go. I tried to convince them that I didn't know what to major in or didn't know what I wanted to do. But they told me that it was important. That if I didn't go to college right after I graduated high school, that I'd never go.
The summer between graduation and college, I was an anxious and depressed mess. I slept for long periods of time, only getting up to go to work. I barely ate or went out. It's not like I had any friends anyway. But whatever, I went to college. And I didn't really like it. I majored in something general and I knew I hated it. But what could I do? I tried taking classes that interested me. But just because it interested me doesn't mean it was the right career choice. I debated and switched between majors often. But I ended up giving up and just settling. I even found a major that I'd prefer and applied for it but was rejected. I took it as a sign.
In college, I struggled with keeping friends. I've always struggled with that. But it felt worse here. I've heard from my older siblings and even strangers that college is where you find your tribe. But that just wasn't happening for me. I dated a little, went to social events, tried to keep the friends I made. But it kept falling apart.
And now, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. That I'm just going with no direction or aim. I don't even have a desire to end things. I don't really want anything anymore except to finally be content. I just want to be at peace. I'm in therapy, on antidepressants, and overall I'm trying so hard. And it still feels like I'm at a dead end. I keep trying and I have no clue for what. Right now, I don't feel any other emotions except disappointment. | 1 |
I feel ashamed, I failed | As I described the situation I'm in on a previous post, I chose to abandon a lawsuit against my former employers. After three years of fighting, I was relieved that I had finally won. But then, when I heard later they appealed, I was crushed, too tired and wouldn't get back on that set. I can't go any further. So there, I just quit. So yes, that's it.
I feel like a coward, ashamed to be powerless over a middle-sized corporation
that wanted to appeal just bc they could.
That story is a big trigger for me. I feel so useless and weak. How can I even value my own need of justice after that ?
How can I even value myself after failing so much ? | 1 |
Why can’t I die? | My relatives slandered me and lied about me and caused so many people to hate me… my life is ruined…. I don’t wanna be here anymore or anything….. I’m tired fed up and suffering from over a million things wrong with me… they laugh and snicker in my face about I’ll never have anything……. Or anyone…………., I’m fucking tired. | 1 |
my life feels cursed | does anyone else’s life feel this way? because it’s like whenever i get a happy opportunity it turns to shit. it’s like the universe isn’t happy unless i’m not. i haven’t felt real happiness in YEARS and i don’t even know who the real me is anymore. like i always get to jealous of the ppl who are happy and have a lot of money. boy, i can’t wait to end my life eventually. and honestly at this point, i don’t even give a fuck what happens to me. it is what it is now. goodbye life, you’ve let me down. | 33 |
i ruined my life | i cant even fucking think anymore im already half dead because i got fucking addicted to benadryl and killed my entire brain
i used to be so smart and that was all i had and i let my childhood ruin me
i was safe and i had so much going for me that ive never had vefore and i fuckjng ruined it i dont know what yo do i feel like i cant function
ive been binge smoking weed for so long too my dad hates me and he doesnt care and i dont blame him
i feel like hes lying to me about everything i dont know what to do
ive been spiraling for weeks because jm coming to reality with my life and i just cant do it anymore
i cant even get a job because nobody can make eye contact with me and now that i lnow i cant learn i just cant live like this knowing all im doing is leeching and being a burden to my dad
ive been living in a fake reality for so long because i couldnt cope with what my life is really like
i dont know what to do anymore
im leaving sometime tomorrow morning i dont plan to kill myself immediately but i plan to run around in the wilderness or something idfk ive been inside for like 8 months because i feel so fucked up and dysfunctional and i dont know how to heal
i keep thinking about rereading flowers for algernon but i dont know if i could do it knowing what i know now about my life
i cant tell if im in psychosis or im coming to terms with reality nobody will tell me anything i just dont care anymore | 1 |
I almost jumped off a bridge last night. There’s some stuff I need to get off my chest. | For some context, I’m a 16 y/o closeted trans girl. The last few days I was home alone bc family was out of town.
I don’t know what came over me. My day had been relatively good. My bf came over, and it was great. I went to work feeling awesome. But over the course of my shift, my thoughts became cloudy and eventually it came together that tonight was the night to kill myself. I thought the best choice was a bridge about 30 minutes away from my house, since I heard someone jumped about 6 months ago on that bridge, it seemed effective and painless. When I got home I scrawled down a note to my parents and left it on the kitchen counter, while sending an “i love you guys” text to a gc with most of my friends. While I walked there, my thoughts got cloudier, and then I reached the bridge. I’m not sure what stopped me. Maybe it was the height, maybe it was the realization of what I was doing. But I kinda just stood over the ledge for 30 minutes, looking at the sky, and asking “why me?”. I don’t know how to feel about the event. I’m still processing everything. But I’m sort of glad I’m still here.
Edit: to clarify, I’ve had these thoughts for a while, it’s just that it was such a drastic mood swing. | 32 |
a confession | I think it started when I first moved here I had been depressed before in my life but I never actually understood what it's like to fantasize about death and be afraid of living and waking up
I came to a new school it was another tribal school I'm not native but I've grown up and been around many native tribes my life this one was different though
It was terrifying being there
Guys would openly say they're planning to molest and rape me, that they wanted orgy's with me and their cousins, and they'd get reported but nothing would happen
I would hide in the bathrooms during all school hours
I would feel uncomfortable only to be followed in by the guys in my class
They would go in and tell me they want to molest me in the bathroom stalls and to be quiet but I wouldn't open the stalls and they would leave
At the time, I had a boyfriend so I didn't want anything to do with the guys there I had tried making friends with a few just as a did with the girls
I went to go to the park with them with another girl friend but she had to go momentarily
At that point he said he wanted to show me something behind a large building and when going behind it he pushed me to the wall and took advantage of me
He raped me that night without protection I thought I was pregnant for months and he had told people at school I was but luckily I wasn't
After a while of hiding every day in the bathroom stalls and having uncomfortable experiences I would start to regularly throw up in the bathrooms
There was a time I was walking home and it had just gotten to be sunset where another classmate had taken advantage of me he had not raped me but several parts of my body were bleeding
On top of throwing up I had gotten a medical issue because of this
I guess in some cases your mental health can be so bad that it affects your physical health
I was diagnosed with a chronic illness where it felt like I was dying I couldn't walk its getting better now but it will never fully go away
My two psychologists told me it was most likely because of my mental state
The two boys were never disciplined, they were reported but the tribe didn't care
Many reports of sexual assault and harassment were made (probably over 50) but nothing happened
I needed to tell someone about this
Knowing nothing will ever happen I'm scared to leave the house Incase I ever see them again
I'm not in school and switched but I still throw up at my new school and still have my illness
I want to die I haven't felt good ever since the start of the school year
I wish something could be done to them I have thought of genuine homicide but I never would actually do it
I just want to leave the town I'm in I want to live normal again life is terrifying | 6 |
Losing hope | I'm just getting tired and sick of existing now. I look to the future and it just seems empty and alone carrying around hurt and pain day in day out. This time last year I had it all, I was happy, engaged and had a future to look forward to. Now that's all gone because I'm an idiot and I threw it all away. The ex has moved on, she seems happy with just fill me with grief, self hate and shame. Met a girl this week had a great weekend with her then got the you're a nice guy but there is no spark speech, awesome.
Just hate getting through the day being me, I hate myself, can't forgive myself, just want to close my eyes and it all be done. | 2 |
unstable | I feel like i’m fucking up my life with every decision I make, I’m terrible and I feel ashamed compared to my peers- they seem happier, more successful and overall in a better state.
Whenever I convince myself things are looking up for me, I get a momentary boost of serotonin. But it quickly disappears as I realise how fucked up I am. Sometimes I wish there’s a pill that can make me feel optimistic forever, a pill that can pull me out of the depressive moods I so often find myself sinking into. Or maybe I just simply hope that my life will end soon. Everyday I silently wish to be killed in a car accident, or by an illness, and I know how messed up this is because there are lots of innocent and good people in the world losing their lives to these, and yet I’m hoping it can happen to me.
The funny thing is I worked my ass off to buy a pc, but now that I have the money, I can’t get myself to purchase the parts and put it together. Because what’s the point if I see no reason to live? It’s just only gonna go to waste.
If you’re reading my ramble of a rant, sorry for wasting your time and I hope you have a wonderful day/night ahead | 6 |
I feel suicidal when I don't have a boyfriend | Can someone please convince me being single is normal and not a valid reason to die?
Info: 23F | 3 |
Just found out i failed | Failed my school year. As stupid as it sounds I was always that one dumbass in the class that somehow by sheer luck did well once in their life and managed to get into their dream engineering course.
But I failed the semester and I am repeating the year now. Just got the reminder that I will always be a fool. Now I have to wait 6 months before retaking the semester that I know I will fail. And I’ve been feeling down and unable to get out of bed. I had many near-death experiences and I unfortunately constantly made it out alive somehow. If I’m unlucky in every other department… then I want my luck to run out because I know I will never have the guts to do it myself if I still keep on being useless being that can’t even do something right.
I will never amount to anything in my life. And I’ve come to accept it. | 5 |
It’s hard to see a point in continuing on | Life is full of pain and it’s jsut not worth it | 4 |
Don’t wanna live like this. | Call me lazy but I don’t want to do anything anymore, ever. I’m only staying around for other people who consider me selfish, lazy, and a burden. I’m the problem child at only fifteen years of age. I have a whole journal I was supposed to be updating my life in but it’s full of suicide letters. I have no friends that genuinely care about me. I’m done. | 1 |
Shooting myself tomorrow. | Nothing but a worthless piece of meat. I've never really considered myself a full human since no one treats me as one.
Why do people treat eachother with such cruelty? You see it everywhere. "That's life" why? Why does that have to be life? Isn't the reason humans became so advanced is so we wouldn't have to be like that.
I'm just so tired. My entire body is sore right now. My arms and back are purple from the bruises. I want to sleep forever. I yearn for death. I wish I had someone to talk to, or someone to hug me. you may not care how I feel. And I understand, im just another worthless soul. This will all be over tomorrow. Hopefully if I can pull the trigger. My existence will no longer be on this planet.
Please treat people kinder. Please. I beg you. Especially if they're looking less then happy. Please just talk to them or something. Please. | 23 |
i love music so much. | When I die want chemtrails over the country club (the lana del rey song) to play at my funeral.
it's so peaceful and sad at the same time. it fills my head with peace and i look around at the people i love and i don't feel sad i'm not important to them anymore. i just appreciate how beautiful their love for eachother is.
i think i want that song because it spreads in the air like i want to. i love travelling. i love feeling free. i have bpd, i don't think i'll ever know what it is to love without being in pain. i don't want to be alive.
i feel like nobody believes me. i dont want people to be worried so it's better that way, but i don't want people to be shocked.
i didn't expect to make it to 18, so i guess i'm on borrowed time anyway. | 3 |
I want to die | I don't think anyone could help me so don't waste your time.
I'm just asking if someone know a way to end it with less pain as possible.
Thanks for your replies. | 5 |
Rot away | I just want to give up. I'm too scared to kill myself because it might go wrong and I'll still be alive. I was able to cut for the first time and draw blood and it looked cool. I feel like I'm incapable of change and everything is my fault. Like I'm too fucked up to do anything now. I'm unbearable, just straight up a burden. I want to rot away. I want to sleep and never wake up. Any suggestions on a quick painless death? I'd love to die in my sleep. How can you get a cardiac arrest? I have no life of my own. | 1 |
Everything is so hard. | I don’t wanna live anymore. Simple as that | 3 |
it always gets better, but it always gets worse | im in this constant state of inactivity. i cant find the motivation to talk to anyone or participate in my old interests. its been over a year and idk where id even start. im not particularly a good person either, i know everyone makes bad choices but i keep making them. i dont know it its on purpose or this is me on default. i dont know who i am, i know i have a lot of time to figure out but it feels very tedious. ive been struggling since i was 10 and im 19 now. my mental health just continues to get worse. recently diagnosed with epilepsy. i cant even do some things i used to enjoy. i cant help but think its some sort of karma. i dont know how to be a good partner, and everyday im just isolated and i barely speak. i feel like theres no point in me even having vocal chords. eating a normal amount and being active still makes me fat, ive barely been eating to lose weight and its the only thing in my life i feel like has a goal im working towards, sometimes im so hungry but i remind myself how horrible i would feel even if i gained 3 more pounds. i have no sense of style anymore, i find myself no longer caring about the cool stuff in my room or clothes, its been like this a good while, its kind of scary. the only thing keeping me from dying is being scared and i know it wont be like that forever | 7 |
Severe chronic illness has pushed me into an unlivable state | I have ME/CFS from chronic tonsillitis.
For years it was mild until I was convinced to try and cure it with excercise. Now I am bedbound and my life is hell. I have been this way 2.5 years with no treatment and no recovery or improvement in sight.
Before this happened i had alcoholism, mental health issues and autism and cptsd from being bullied and abused my entire youth and repeatedly assaulted in early adulthood. So it made sense that perhaps my fatigue was linked to that. So I tried to treat it with excercise, building routine etc.
Turns out it wasn't, ME is physiological and excercise was like throwing fuel on the fire. Now I can't cook for myself or manage the stairs or play music or write. I can't have a social life. I lie in bed listening to audiobooks and watch small chunks of dull TV shows. I can't really read much anymore. My life is ruined and I'm too weak to even kill myself reliably.
I had so much potential, even with mild ME I could have been content but I destroyed myself because of bad advice and now there is nothing left. I want to die but I am scared I'll fail and end up in hospital and get even sicker.
Edit: Forgot to mention that I have OCD and now I lie in bed with all of my mistakes and failures and missed opportunities going round and round in my head constantly. Attempting to treat my physical health symptoms as psychological has made it impossible to address my mental health symptoms and worsened them considerably | 3 |
I think this is it | Multiple attempts. Always staying quite about it. No one knows I'm gonna kill myself. They think I'm happy But I'm really not. Things with my dad aren't going well. One of my friends has a pretty tragic disease and my grandpa on my mums side is dying to asbestos poisoning along with old age and dementia. Lost someone who meant the world to me because she started doing drugs. Lost a shit ton of friends because of what someone said. I can't take it anymore. Everyday is the same. I'm over it. I want help but I can't find any | 3 |
It always comes back | the feeling of wanting to die, wanting it to end, it always comes back. It never ends. | 26 |
Accidental ending | I wish I would die but not by suicide. I don’t want to cause it but I want it to happen. As in, I hope I get hit by a bus while walking down the street, or my pharmacy fills my Rx with the wrong meds and I don’t wake up, or a bad auto crash that ends it instantly. That way my family is taken care of financially and my kids don’t have have to know that it was my wish. | 3 |
Constantly getting tired of trying | I’ve never been one to make friends easily or have much at all. I thought I was getting better. I take my meds, see my therapist every week and yet I’m still the same way I’ve been for years.
I try to be nice…I don’t bother anyone and keep to myself. I don’t know if that’s the issue, that I’m quiet and that makes people think I’m an easy target. I always end up looking the fool.
I have to actively try to be friendly, it doesn’t come naturally to me. It doesn’t usually work and I’m so tired of it. It makes me feel worthless and a complete waste of time. But no one cares. I have never been important to anyone or made an impact on anyone’s life. No one would ever check on me so I know I’ll just always suffer alone. | 2 |
Preciso de ajuda pois não sinto que consiga lidar com a situação. | Olá, eu sou irmã de um homem incrível que esta manhã tentou cometer suicídio.
Eu vivo com o meu mais velho irmão há quase 5 meses e a nossa relação é provavelmente a mais saudável da família toda .Meus pais imigraram este ano e como só me falta um ano para acabar o secundário e a nossa relação familiar é uma merda ,o meu irmão decidiu assumir o papel de meu pai definitivamente e pediu para eu ficar com ele por ele e por o meu futuro.
Devido a problemas na sua vida pessoal e o ambiente a qual estivemos expostos durante anos ,o meu irmão encontrou se num buraco muito negro na qual a única solução ao ver dele foi se matar . Nada que eu já não tivesse á espera mas fui apanhada desprevenida .
Ele está bem , está consciente e a caminho do hospital de S.Joao para ver um psiquiatra e eu preciso de ajuda porque eu não sei como ajudá-lo e o que fazer para lidar e ajudá-lo a lidar com os problemas dele .
Se me poderem acontecelhar todos os comentários ajudam muito. | 1 |
Insomnia makes me want to kill myself. | Been awake for 6 days straight, sleeping pills don't work | 1 |
2nd attempt | I pulled myself out of the car that was filled with carbon monoxide. I found a secluded area. Burned some charcoal and put them in my car once they turned gray. I felt dizzy, lightheaded, heart raced, and weak. I drove home tired. Slept for 4 hours as soon as I got home. Now, I still have a headache and feel weak. Idk why I am posting here. I am very sad. I am unemployed, divorced 32F. No motivation for anything. I want to try again but I am scared of getting caught or maybe I secretly want to live. Who knows. | 28 |
I feel comforted here | i usually come here after i have a bad day at work, a mental breakdown, or overwhelming urge to jump into the train tracks. thank u for ur comforting words. today was a bad day at work, and im so tired. I wish I had killed myself at 16 like I promised. But also i have a concert i got tickets to at the end of the year. after that. goodbye | 2 |
I need to be sedated to stop my suicidal thoughts | It’s a very long story but I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a few weeks now. I have a plan in case the situation doesn’t go well. I can’t go to the hospital because I’m on vacation. I just need to be sedated for a week. I can’t take this pain anymore. None of my medication or coping skills are working. I’m on vacation for fuck sake and I can’t even relax. | 2 |
I hate it | when will it be over??? | 1 |
I'm done now | I am so done now. I tried to stay strong but because of my husbands parents, the number ones in OUR private life, everything ,our entire life is done. We are going for a divorce , he doesn't feel his parents are WRONG. THEY do not give a sht about him or our life or our time or me... I'm very sick. My husband reached his limits too. But they do not care. My husband rather takes the divorce than to tell his parents to GET A LIFE!
I was played already very very badly in my past. And now again. I'm used and played. I am the stupidest person in this world in their eyes. They are kicking me in the ground while they played me like this. But yeah. Nobody cares. I'm the bad one because I asked for divorce. He doesn't even try to make things better. For him only his parents are saints. And do not ever let them be mad or offended !!!! No way! He rather takes our divorce. I am done. I do not have anyone except my dog and even he is ill. I'm left on the ground with lots of loans. They played me, used me, and left me on the ground and they made sure they gave the last kick.
Thanks. Thank to them for the divorce, for everything. I'm done and I'm just going to disappear from this world. | 1 |
Made up my mind | Want to try a death concoction in a few days | 3 |
I dont know how much longer i can last | I think my life is over bad thing on top of bad thing #1 me and my dad have to move in 2 months #2 he finds out im smoking at 17 #3 i run away with gf she brakes up with me #4 my grate grandma dies #5 today i hear my dad talking to himself saying that im better off dead that i ruined his life that i make everything harder all of this in 2 weeks i cant take it i think im going to hang myself in 4 to 5 months | 1 |
Things are slipping again | Is there anybody that wants to talk? Keep me from being alone with myself today.. | 3 |
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