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Death loneliness (alone) hopelessness, suicidal ideation (friendship) | Im rly lost in this life, been for yrs. Always been? I gave up long time ago, but my body still here, my mind still tormented
Im exhausted angry fed up numb?
Yet i guess i have my moments?
I am very much alone, exept for 1 fam member.
Im very new to this reddit idk anyth?? Lately ive only read randomly ab similar feelings i have , to not feel alone. Idk if I do this right.
Reason im here
There is no one
I am alone
Am I the only one w these emotions?
Seeking someone who'd understand me
To feel less alone?
I am certain im alone, or
The others like me - left this life already
I fcking adore death
Dont get me wrong , i used to romantantize death a whole lot
Thats gone.
Now i still feel the rush
Idk the word to describe it but I imagine it'll be like a drug like that feeling.
Like , death would actually make me feel something. At the same time, iknow death's not pretty.
I feel like I smetimes seek sth extreme, atleast in my mind. Like, i think ab sex alot, i think thats bc I feel nothing or nothing good? To seek sth fun?? Or mybe feel sth good??
I have to say..
At the same time, i enjoy this feeling. Its like. Depression is warmth. I am not alone, though loneliness come to visit. I am truly alone amongst all these ppl
But depression nvr leaves me. He hurts me alot tho, at times.
Depression used to not only take
But it also gave me sth
No matter how strange it sounds -
I
Actually
Think..
Som ppl understands that.
I think
Im pretty normal
But
At the same time ,
I have these strange thoughts as u can see.
I kind of enjoy the pain
But want my life to end.
Conclusion
If Im not alone carrying this
Feeling this
Maybe
If I Even
Had a close friend
Feeling the same
Idk
Only emptying my mind i guess
Tho i feel like theres no place for my thoughts
Alexandra.
(Idk where to post this ,sorry.) | 1 |
in a month i plan to kill myself | hello, i don’t know if anybody will see this or if anyone will say anything but maybe even just writing this will help.
I will be going into my sophomore year of college as a student athlete. Last year was brutal, for the first half of the year my eating disorder was worse than it had ever been, when i came back home for christmas break my parents and family were terrified by how “small” i was. The second half of the year softball was really getting into full swing and so was school, my mental health took a sudden turn for the worse one day when i suddenly started to resent my childhood best friend/roommate. She didn’t really do anything wrong but i was just hurt. This led me to isolate and the rest of the year was kind of just miserable. My self image became terrible and i started self harming again and more than ever.
I thought coming home for the summer would be a nice breath of air and would be the fix to the mental issues i was having but i was very wrong. I have only been getting worse. I still self harm on the daily. Nothing is interesting to me. I just lay in bed and nap most days. I feel pathetic and like I have no purpose.
I have never been in a relationship. I had a situation ship that was going amazing then he started dating someone so that was a big slap in the face. The fact that i’m 19 and no one has ever looked at me romantic makes me think there is something wrong and I will be like this forever and that i don’t deserve love and will never be loved.
Going on with the idea of never being loved. My friend ships don’t feel very deep. I have one really good friend but i feel like there would be many other people she would choose before me if she could. It’s only convenient for us to hang out because we’re close.
I suck at being a friend so i won’t be surprised if she ends up just leaving me. Without her i have no one. She has been a big part of my life for the past few year that when i see my family they often ask about her before even acknowledging me and how i’m doing. This just makes me feel like no one cares about me.
Every older person is in agony, your body breaks down and you’re in pain. Why do i want to be here one day, i’ve had enough pain im done with it all.
I’ve been debating if i should transfer schools to a school where i could live at home and commute. Two of the only things i enjoy are my dog and my barista job sometimes both of which i could still have if i transferred.
I have no idea what i want to do with my life so that doesn’t make my decision easier by picking a school for academic purposes. If i transferred i would be done with softball which is what i feel like im ready for but i’m also tied to it because it’s a huge part of my identity and the only thing people are proud of me for.
This decision is really really tough for me because i don’t want to do something i regret. Ending it seems like the best option so i don’t have to decide. I don’t have much time to make a decision but I told myself if i had to go back and deal with all the stress and toxicity of softball i was going to try to OD the night before move in so that even if it doesn’t work i probably won’t have to go or can delay going at least.
I just feel hopeless and like i will never achieve anything great nor do i deserve it. I dont think i’m supposed to be here. | 1 |
I don’t want to be like this | I hate being the way I am. I live with my boyfriend and in the last couple of days his friends and family kept showing up unannounced and I couldn’t deal today and made a scene. And now my boyfriend went away until tomorrow and I just - I want to be normal, I want to not freak out about people in my space and I don’t want to think about killing myself.
It isn’t because of the fight with my boyfriend, it’s because I’m such a freak and life just hurts so fucking much. I try to hang on and I wouldn’t- I really wouldn’t do this to him or my friends and his family but I wish I could just disappear.
All I do is make trouble for people. | 1 |
The only reason I am alive is because the building I work in ground + 8 stories. | So it seems that if the building is over 10 stories high then the chances of survival are slim. I obviously don’t want to live - survive a fall, at that - who knows what I end up with paralysis or broken bones or loss of limbs. No I don’t think so. Not today. | 5 |
Why doesn't he just... | finish the job? I reunited with the only one in this fucked up world who ever made me feel loved. He has murdered me in every way but physical. I'm hoping that before this monster that stole my angel away from me hightails it to the west coast he comes back here and finishes the job. Unfortunately I have several weeks if not moths to wait. I would do the job myself but I'm too cowardly. I did however learn that you can produce quite large gashes on your arm with nothing more than a razor blade taken out of a dollar store disposable razor. | 1 |
pointless | literally it is completely pointless. it is pointless to resist. there is literally nothing i can do. bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. i no longer even acknowledge what my own happiness is. it is unimportant to me. especially given i am a fucking awful person. all i see is the endless list of problems that i face, as my mental health goes lower and lower. that’s all life is. | 0 |
Last post I am sorry goodbye | I will no longer be in anyone life anymore. I don’t deserve to live. No one cares stop giving me advice and live. No things do not get better. Apparently I am crazy and ugly no one on the internet knows about being in a relationship requires communication and your time to make it work.
I am tried of pleasing others just to get my heartbroken. Tired of going to school to get a dead end job where I can’t survive on the income.
To whoever is reading this it’s not your fault it’s me. I am no longer to cope how expensive things are. Tonight everything thing is going to be over. I can’t do this anymore I am at my limit. I am sorry to people who know me I am a failure and I just want to be free.
Once again I am sorry I will leave a note saying that I didn’t suffer and please give my items away to people who need it.
Goodbye I’ll see everyone in the next life I’ll watch over anyone who cares | 17 |
I wish i could die i really do | It gets so haha not even painful just taxing. Ive been the same person since age 5. Ive never grown or changed. I complete a full metamorphic every few months but i can never keep it going. My mother says im more than a late bloomer. She says im a never starter. And i wish she was wrong. I wish i wasn’t like this. I wish i knew who i was and i wish i could be one person. But I always end up a million people who ultimately all turn into the dog or clown archetype. I know no one hates me. I know people are genuinely and naturally kind. Ite a me problem. Im so unsettling as a person. Im such a rug to walk over that people get disgusted. Its natural to want to throw up when you ser a dirty maggot infested carpet. I wish I desperately wish i could stick to one thing and really do it. But as i am, i know i wont eveer even be able to kill myself. My mother must have committed some grave sin to be shackled to a worthless dog like me. I wish shed killed me all those times she tried when my memory was in its infancy cause i know i know ill never do it. Im too positive. Too optimistic. Too hopeful. God nothing is worse than false Hope nothing. Please i dont even know why im writing this ive just got nowhere else to go i detached completely from everyone, i blocked my therapist, and my psychiatrist thinks theres no helping me, and i cant burden my mother please she’s already suffered so much for me. I just pray i can find some kind fo meds that will turn me into a zombie. Everyone says thats the worse but i wish i so desperately wish to turn into a shell of myself so i never do this shit again. If i cant find those meds, ill die. Ill beg allah and beg and beg like i did when i was a child and i know he’ll answer so please i pray i die before the next summer. I pray to be lost to history. Not a victory or a blithe upon it. But a very forgotten oddity. | 1 |
Dear mom and dad | I'm sorry that I've stopped going outside. I'm sorry that I'm failing all my classes, I know that it costed a lot of money to get me here and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I get so mad at you guys for coming into my room, I'm sorry that I don't even look at you guys anymore, I'm sorry that I don't come out of my room to talk to you guys, I'm sorry that you were crying that night. You thought no one heard you, but I heard you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if everytime you guys come into my room, it smells. I'm sorry that I've stopped talkign to you guys entirely. I'm sorry I don't eat your meals that you leave by my door, I know how much it hurts you yet I still do it. I'm sorry that I've stopped showering and I'm sorry that I don't care about my hygiene anymore. I'm sorry that you're hurting dad, I know you need my help but I just can't anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I'm sleeping so much because it's the closest thing to death, I'm sorry I lost all my motivation. I'm sorry I fell this low. Don't be upset at anyone, it wasn't her fault. Blame it all on me for how i'm acting.
​
​
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I'm sorry
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​ | 8 |
hi | Well I don't know what to put here. When I come to make a post I just forget the entire essay I had created In my head
It's just a culmination of like 100 things. One thing will upset me which leads to me thinking about every other negative thing at once
I'm not a good person I don't think. I'm a bad person who does good things on occasion
Overall I don't really enjoy being online. I'm too sensitive. When I get notifications after saying something I've conditioned myself to avoid checking them because I'm afraid. "Canceling" Is huge nowadays too
I like to share my thoughts on stuff but that comes with the drawback of people trying to argue just for the sake of arguing or generally being trashy
I despise rude people but sometimes I'm not that much better myself It feels, so every time I make an observation on a trait I think Is negative on someone I just think I'm projecting myself. I don't really know what to do
I feel alone but at the same time, I'm putting It on myself In a way. I like having friends but don't have the energy to commit to every person so I probably end up coming across as neglectful. I want to care but the reality Is that I don't(???). I wish people could know when I was thinking about them. I *think* about people I care about or know a lot but ultimately It feels like everyone would be better off without me In their life as I'm going to end up disappointing them or making them hate me, so unless they want to speak to me first It's whatever. If they're not talking to me they're probably talking to someone who cares more and that's great. So I don't know
I broke someone's trust but was forgiven. I'm glad to have been forgiven but I don't feel like I deserve It, either. I'd rather die than risk the possibility of messing up again. I should and want to hurt myself over what I did. Whenever I'm reminded ( spoiler: I ruminate 24/7 so that's every day ). I don't understand why I should forgive myself If I don't know If I'm being truthful when I apologized. What If I mess up again. I don't want to but I don't In feel control of myself sometimes
I want to be good. I don't know how to just be good. I do anything and I feel like a liar. Everything Is "I don't know" or "I feel...", If It's crucial then I'm not ever gonna be certain or have a meaningful opinion
I'm an evil Incarnate, carried by my few hobbies. Sometimes I draw things for people and I keep a wiki up to date. etc. But I'm far from the Ideal version of myself. Sometimes I feel selfish. When I do something "good" there's always a catch ( like that one Monk episode ). Do I help people because I like to help or because helping makes me feel better about myself? At that point Isn't It just a self serving thing? I constantly feel the need to do things for people so that I feel like I'm being a good person ( doesn't mean I actually will ). So that I don't feel like I'm owing people things because If they expect something significant from me It's gonna stress me out
I'm just trying to be honest about how I view myself right now and It's at the cost of making people see me as a monster. Like, I know I am, but I don't want to be, you know?
I'm still waiting for my opportunity to see a psychiatrist or something, so for the time being, I just live through the torment. I tell myself I don't really want to change because I'm not doing anything *to* change. But on the other hand what can I really do either? From my perspective, the best way to change myself Is to simply not exist | 3 |
I feel like I’m going to end my life tonight | I have ptsd and don’t know how to cope anymore, the flashbacks are torture | 6 |
Taking 60mg of clonazepam | I’m just tired of life, I have a successful business, I’ve struggled with drug abuse all my life, but I’m in a program and that isn’t even the issue. I have a business in Europe and I would prefer to live in the US (I have dual citizenship) but leaving the business is an insane financial decision, I have partners, I hate them… I hate my family , I would have to move back to the states and start from nothing just grinding out a job . I just turned 31 and besides having children I feel like I’ve get everything life has had to offer so I’m gonna buy 2g of 4cmc and do half gram rails and if that doesn’t kill me im taking 60mg of clonazepam and whatever alprazolam and buprenorphine I have left.
Over the last few years the only think that’s keep me from jumping out of my 12th story downtown balcony is so it doesn’t hurt my living family members. Im over it today, I’ll be dead I don’t care how they feel.
Maybe it’s a tad more of a cry for help because if I really wanted to end it I would jump but I don’t have the balls. I overdosed once and it was just a calm sleep until I woke up in the hospital. I’m checking into that calm sleep forever…. Not before having a hell of a night tho on some fire mephedrone | 1 |
i think my brain is broken | I am completely hopeless, i genuinely don’t see myself ever being happy. i’ve tried many different medications, multiple therapists, talking with close ones, nothing helps. i have no dreams or passions or goals. i’ve lost all my motivation for past hobbies. the few things that do make me feel somewhat happy for a short while make me feel worse when they’re over. i have never experienced an ounce of self love. i just don’t know what to do anymore. any advice i’ve ever been given or any words of encouragement have never changed my mindset. and at this point i’ve just lost the motivation to do anything about it anymore. i’ve tried for years to fix this but it’s only ever gotten worse. this is just the way my brain is wired i guess. i don’t really want to die, im only 19, but i just don’t see the point of staying when everyday is miserable. i hate being such a negative person but i just don’t have the capability to be positive apparently. everyday i just seem to wait for that one piece of advice that’s going to totally change my outlook on life but it has yet to come. | 5 |
I'm tired of feeling miserable | It been a year i think about killing myself at least once per week
I have no job and no money and the government insurance who suppose to help people keep taking me money i don't have
I'm 24 and i'm stuck at parent home who is in the middle of nowhere so i have no job opportunity close and cant move anywhere because landlord ask for proof of having a work.
So i'm just stuck
Stopping to live will solve all my problems. No more "friends" who are never available and don't care about me. No more dysphoria i cant solve due to lack of income. No more depressing new every time i open the social media. Every time i go outside i check where i can put a rope for hand myself. I succed to stop self harming. But if i inflige myself phisical pain the mentally one will calm down for a bit
I want to die, to be hit my a train, to do a overdose or even to shot myself in the brain if i found any firearm. But i want the pain to stop | 4 |
Help. Someone please help. | I’ve made an unforgivable mistake. My minds telling me to kill myself but i can’t bring myself to but I can’t live this way anymore.
I just can’t anymore. | 3 |
Eye openaning | So tonight u was very close to killing myself im currently sitting In the hospital waiting for my wife to pick me up. I had my best friend over he didn't pick up on my feelings my wife didn't I reached out to so many people. I told an aquatance that I was thinking about starting my car in the garage. I fellasleep in my car in the garage and woke up to the police in my garage she called 911 on my and I appreciate a aquatence looking out for me sorry for bad spelling and punctuation. I'm hopefully on the road to a full recovery | 5 |
Everyone promises things will get better, but things only get worse | Whenever I open up about my problems, people tell me that everything will turn out fine in the end,
that no problem lasts forever, so I shouldn't give up. What a bunch of liars. My life has been a downward spiral
into hell for a long, long time, and each passing year brings more trouble for me to deal with. Every single morning
I wake up cursing the day I was born and loathing the whole world for letting me live like this. How do people have the
guts to lie so blatantly to my face? How dare they tell me that things will get better? They don't know me, they don't
know the pain I go through every single fucking day. Maybe things did get better for you after you broke your arm,
after you were sad about failing an exam, or after a breakup, but not when every second of existence is torture.
Everything I loved has been taken from me. EVERYTHING. I don't want to keep suffering because of an abstract, unreachable
future in which I'm happy. That's just not realistic. People only say things get better because they weren't as broken as me
in the first place or because that is the polite answer. But they're lying. They're lying and they don't care, because
as soon as I'm out of their sight they can sigh in relief and forget about the depressed prick who kills the mood.
I'm so different to regular people I may as well be from a different species. It's like there's a barrier between
us and our worlds. And my world is full of pain, missed opportunities, and feelings they'll never understand.
Things will not get better for me, not until I'm six feet under. I just lack the stomach to cut open my veins or throw myself off a building. I want to be gone forever, but swiftly, painlessly. Peace, at last. | 26 |
Making the decision to die by hanging. | Please note that I'm not asking for people to encourage me. My actions are entirely my responsibility. I'm just finding dealing with these awful feelings very stressful and lonely. I have pretty much nobody to talk to in my life, and it would mean the world to me to know that somebody out there read this and could just say hi or something. I'm not sure why I even posted this here, or mentioned suicide. I guess I just feel quite desperate. I'm so sorry. | 7 |
Thinking of killing myself if I fail my exams | I even thought about it in the middle of an exam. Like what If I just jumped out of the window right now? Long story short I’m currently taking a resit because I failed over one mark last year. I might pass this year and I feel a little confident but there’s still a chance I don’t. I’d be robbed of a future since I’m already smart on the field I’m thinking of doing but idk, there won’t be a single chance if I don’t pass these exams. I’m thinking of just leaving home and walking until I pass out or whatever happens to me. | 2 |
I think I’m gonna kill myself one of these days through paracetamol overdose. | null | 2 |
I don’t want to be here | My family has abused me sexually and physically and emotionally my whole life. I’m just wondering if it’s all my fault. I just found out my ex of 7 years was cheating on me. My brother beat me because he relapsed on meth. My shitty retail job bullies me. What is honestly the point of anything if I’m genuinely broken enough to be abused this extent. | 4 |
i did nothing wrong so why do i get punished? | I dont get it, i dont want to get it, i want to die
this planet is horrific and it disgusts me
when i die people (if anybody) are gonna blame it on "mental illness" and not just that the world is fucked beyond repair
or maybe our planet was doomed to fail from the beginning
not that any of this matters anyway, when im dead ill be dead so i physically wont be able to perceive what happens after
i cut myself and hit myself so often now and i dont want to do this anymore i want out
​
joke of a planet | 85 |
I'm just exhausted | when I was 6-8 I lost a lot of close family members and the big fancy house I grew up in because my dad couldn't afford it. So we moved into a small house and proceeded to effectively trash it because my dad would start projects and then stop halfway through and then start another one. im now fourteen And now we might get kicked out of the house. and on top of that in November of last year I started to question my gender identity. And I just don't know what to do anymore I feel so trapped. not to mention the stress of school and need of getting perfect grades and doing better than last time and just everything. now I'm thinking about suicide which I know isn't the right thing to do but it feels like it my only option at this point. | 2 |
Paracetamol ibuprofen mixed | I just counted all the grams we have in the fridge, it resulted in 10 grams paracetamol + 12 grams ibuprofen. Will this be enough to kill an underweight man? I mean, I know it's a painful way to die, just read it online and all that stuff, but I also read that 10g of paracetamol alone could kill an adult man, so me, being 22+ lbs underweight, would I die if I take all the ibuprofen and paracetamol I said before? | 2 |
im so close to ending it. | (I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 11).When i was 12 years old in 2021. i had the best relationship i could ask for. i dont remember much but i loved that girl deeply. and when we had gone on a few dates and kissed once or twice. i asked to become her bf and she said no. i reacted emotionally which led her to tell her friends and for 4 months i consistintly got bullied and hated by maybe 20 people. they had even followed me back to my apartment and attempted to kill me with knives. all of those girls were sent to a year in juvy by the hk court. this gave me the impression for months that nobody cared about me. so it led to go to the roof of my building and spend an hour contemplating to take a forward step. it was honestly the most i had cried in my life. the second time was maybe a month later when i slit my wrist. i realised i didnt want to die so i healed the wound. those thoughts never escape me.
i had only a few minor difficulties with those thoughts from jan 2022 - sep 2022. when i moved from hk to london, on the first day this piece of shit emotional douchebag started to spread a rumor that i was a neo nazi to all the hyper liberal girls. not only that he also spreaded rumors that i was a part of andrew tates university. i had no clue who he was because it takes things longer to reach hk. so until the beggining of 2023 i was hated by so many people because of that one ass hole. he had told this girl when they were 12 he wanted to tie her up and have sex with her. along with many more horrible things. so i think he was spreading lies to get the girls off his back. in the beggining of 2023 i saw a girl from my class in a diner in switzerland on a ski trip. we started to text about things after seeing eachother and whatnot. but then we started to talk more often with each other and her opening up.
when we both got back to london she started to text me goodmorning and goodnight. just those little things. i then developed a crush on her but whenever i tried to talk to her she acted all nervous and like she didnt want to talk to me. when my friend who is this girls ex told me to ghost her because it felt like she hated me. when i told her i didnt like her as a person she blocked me. it made the months from febuary to june horrible. i had to walk past her everyday and have loud conversations with people she said she hated. it didnt make sense and i was just thinking about her all the time. a week before school ended, she texted me a week before school ended if we could become friends again. i said yes because i also opened up about how bad my mental health has been. she said she would always be there for me.
about a week ago she invited me to her house to hangout. after maybe an hour of talking about people and random things, she started to cuddle next to me and moved my hand from her leg to her ass. after hugging for a bit she got up and kissed me on the cheek. she then started to make out with me and telling me she loves me. after maybe 30 mins of kissing, she said she was not the relationship type person. which made me a bit sad but we countinued to kiss and even going to the kitchen to make out. she came over to my house the next day to makeout as well. i thought everything was going well until she started to leave me on delivered for hours at a time. i then asked if she could hangout a few days ago and she said she didnt want to see me anymore.
I just feel that somebody who cared about me and would always be there for me has vanished now. she said she would always be there for me and now the only person who i thougthh cared about me acts like i dont exist. from the rumors hardly anybody cares about me and would honestly want me dead anyway. i dont know where to turn from here because the tunnel i have been going through is just getting darker and darker. i cant go on literaly 0 people care about me now. sure i have friends who i talk to at school but they are ass holes to me all the time for no reason and they wouldnt care about this anyway. as a guy everybody expects me to be fine. but im not. ever. i dont want to leave this earth at 14. but it seems like the only way to end this suffering. | 1 |
I had pretty crazy chest pains last night. | Dead center, about six inches back. Came in waves, but at one point it was sync'd with my heart beat. Every time it beat, I felt pain. Lasted for like two minutes.
Pretty sure it's something serious. Not sure if I'll do anything about it. Maybe this is my way out? | 1 |
Crossroad | I don't even know where to start...
Unemployed atm, debt, etc, "mortal" people problems...
I am afraid of what I might do to myself in future, I just wanna punish myself and get done with it.
Now listen to this stupid hypocrite.
I don't wanna kms before my parents die so they dont get hurt but in my head its ok for my 5 brothers to be hurt or whatever the outcome for them will be.
I really don't wanna talk to anyone about my problems or some stuff anymore because they all say the same thing and they are absolutely right.
I moved from my country to Norway for a year and it was a lot easier than here back home. After a year I got back home and judt like that blew all my money away and now im in debt and cant get to Norway to maybe fix my self like last time(it worked until i got back).
I am simply just an idiot walking on this planet stealing air from people who deserve it.
This is how I see myself for 6 years now, I tried everything I just lack discipline, self esteem, etc.
I'll never get that back even though I don't remember ever having it.
Because all of this I, myself put me under so much stress willingly that its uncontrolable anymore.
I don't want someone telling me that im worth it or somethinf, screw that because i am not.
I am a fucking evil manipulator of my parents, friends, brother.
I preach about peace and love, meanwhile im dancing with the devil willingly everyday.
This is not a post for me to get help, I've already decided my faith but guys and girls please speak to people before you make life changing decissions, even though you know you'll do it and it is a - or + for you, still speak to someone so you can see a bigger picture.
Saying this my time to speak to someone has passed as I made my decission and even this post makes me super hypocritical.
Just wanted to share my toughts with the app knowing others can read it and comment, so yeah...
Hope you lads and galls have a good one and enjoy every moment, be it bad or a good one!
D | 1 |
it feels like a turning point for me soon | i've applied for a job and i'm waiting to hear back from it. to be honest, if i get rejected, i think that really might be it for me. i'm 18 years old and i'm expected to grow up and start working, but i'm still an immature manchild who will never contribute anything to society.
i'm insanely lazy, i like staying in my comfort zone, and i like not working. there's no hope for people like me who want to stay a leech instead of improving my life. i'm stupid, insanely so, i didn't even graduate primary school and i don't even want to try to make the attempt to catch up on my lost education. applying to this job was my one last attempt to break free, it's my one final reach for a possible better future.
it's the only job within walking distance that's hiring that will take someone as useless as me. i can't drive. nobody in my family can drive me except for my piece of shit father and my brother who likes to hold the kindness he offers me over my head later on. with my credentials and lack of experience in basically anything ever, it's a long shot finding anyone else that would take me - not to mention that like i said, i'm painfully stupid and slow. who would want to hire someone as stupid, socially inept, and inexperienced as me, whose only method of transportation would be a bus with a schedule that limits my hours?
it feels like there's no hope for lazy people like me who do nothing but live a cozy life lounging around and leeching off others without even wanting to be better. i can't bear the thought of my sister having to cry over my death, but i can't bear leeching off of her and her kindness forever either. aren't people like me better off dead? i'm a burden to everyone around me. nobody likes a manchild.
i hope i get this job. i really, really hope i do. there's nothing left for me if i don't.
​ | 1 |
i am trying to overdose for days now but i never bring myself to hit the lethal dose | and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for the fact I sunk so low down the ladder that I now rely on essentially doomscrolling on the internet just to have a slight background comfort in the fact i am "not alone". i have absolutely nobody to talk to. everyone who ever talked to me was fake and did not actually give even a slightest care. I should not be allowed to live but I can't do it myself because of the stupid inborn self preservation instinct that only brings me more suffering. should i continue trying this until my liver gives up or should i do a balcony toss thats the one question that always screams in my head for weeks now. it's always the same, every day i wake up and think about ending my own life almost every other moment. everything remotely nice or positive my brain immidiately shuts down with something negative or downright horrible and it doesnt even allow me to enjoy anything
seriously what fucking gives at this point.
what should i do | 5 |
Dying today | Taking a bunch of pills and alcohol now, and then jumping off building as well. I’ve already decided, nothing can convince me not to, I feel like I need to escape because people are just so fucking suffocating, people tell me “you’re not allowed to die”. I have a right to die, I want to die and I’m going to. I’m tired and I’m angry. That’s all I guess. | 166 |
The pain is really bad. | I really am just not meant to exist. | 3 |
there's nothing left anymore. | i can't find the right words for this.
i just need to get this out. i don't know how to tell this to anybody. my therapist blocked me a year ago, i think she didn't believe me that i am clean. i'm clean from sh since two years now. i can't bring myself to trust any therapist nor person anymore. she was my first and last therapist.
everyday has been so hard, i'm so scared of relapsing. i'm so close. the last few months i've been getting worse. my thoughts are keeping me awake at night, i'm so sleep deprived. i lost interest in every single one of my hobbies. i got worse in the things i used to be good at. i just want to make my parents notice me, i want them to love me, but they don't care. they only see my failings. nobody sees me, nobody wants me around. the only thing people around me can do is use advantage of me, "expose" me for my sh and my trauma. i never thought i'd make it to the age i am right now.
i always look for the problem in myself. i know i'm not the greatest person but i try to help where i can. only for people to use me. but of course i can't say anything, i never say anything. i wish i could stand up for myself. it has always been like this. but if i don't do what they want me to do, they'll be spreading rumors again. i just want to be accepted by my surroundings. why am i like this ? i just wish i could die. i need to. i can't bear all of this anymore.
i'm not looking for pity here, i just needed to finally get this out. write it down.
sorry for my english. | 4 |
Off my chest and tonight its rock and roll | Ill start off by saying suicide is no laughing matter, having a good support structure and talking to someone who wont try to "fix" things.
For me though i want to get things off my chest before I go because noone else where listens. I think its because my Birthday is coming up and a year ago I lost everything (by my own hands so theres noone to blame). Maybe its because ive been masking everything for so long its just built up over time.
I survived my suicide attempt last augusy and i swore to myself id never pull that shit again but here i go again being just thay little bit selfish. In general id say things in life are okay, quite good even but i cant bring myself to spend another day conversing with my own mind.
I might go through a rebirth, who knows, if i do I hope i can live a life where im happy and understood.
Id be able to deal with the emotional side if it was sharp burst of pain but its more like a dull ache, just there. This is a line i never throught id say but im sick of living a life where I have other people but they dont have me, where I have to play a character, mask how i feel because people will just will make it about how it will make them feel.
Im starting to rant so ill just finish it off here. I dont feel sad about it, i feel relieved, maybe because i vented or maybe because i have a sense that the weight on my chest will go away with me.
Thanks for reading ❤️ | 3 |
Times running out. | Got to a point in my life where I just don't want to live anymore. I've really tried to heal. Various medications, different forms of therapy and counseling, reaching out to people and talking. Doing new things to try and put some form of happiness in my life. Spending more time with my kids and quiting drinking and taking coke. Nothing has worked. I've just continued to spiral down to this point.
4 years ago on the 28th July my little brother killed himself. Our parents were always busy working so it was mainly me that brought him up. We were so close and continued that way right up until the end. I'd tried to help him as best as I could and failed. From that point all the happiness in my world disappeared and the grief has just consumed me. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and complex grief disorder and I've struggled since. It's really like I've just become stuck whilst the world's moved on without me.
I know exactly when and how I'm doing it. Just got a few loose ends to tie up first as weird as it sounds I couldn't forgive myself if I went without doing them.
Don't know if this is a goodbye or I just wanted to hear someone hear my story. | 3 |
Can’t stop thinking about suicide | null | 4 |
i'm overthinking everything and it's ruining my life | nobody is letting me get any help either.
i cant stop overthinking, even small insignificant stuff that doesn't matter gives me a lot of trouble and i cant take it anymore.
suicide is literally my only option i cannot take it anymore. | 5 |
Almost there | This past weekend was my birthday and I almost died from overconsumption of alcohol. I have struggled with binge drinking since highschool. I don’t remember much of anything from the night, but I remember briefly hearing people saying my name but not being able to respond or move or open my eyes because I wasn’t even inside my own body. The rest of the night was nothing. Not blackness, just straight up nothing. And it was peaceful. I didn’t exist.
It would have been awful for everyone who was there, but I truly wish that I had just died that night. A part of me keeps thinking about the combination of drinks and possible additions that I could use to take it over the limit in the future, but knowing that I woke up makes me not want to try. I feel worse than ever now, and I don’t want to get even lower. I feel like the possibility of survival is always there and I’m scared in general. But that was such a freeing feeling. A nothing feeling. Like I had never even been alive in the first place. I guess you can’t even consider it a feeling since I wasn’t capable of experiencing a feeling… but I wish I had stayed there, wherever that was. | 1 |
I wanna die in a war | I wanna die in a war (preferably a holy war) fighting alongside my comrades and getting hit by a bullet in the stomach. I don’t wanna kill myself, I wanna kill myself.
No hanging, no self-inflicted gunshot wound, just war. | 1 |
Just make sure you want this for yourself | Just make sure you want this for yourself and not for anyone else.
Don’t think about others’ feelings or what they might think.
Don’t think about how your mom, dad, lover, or kids might feel after you die.
Because you can’t control what happens after you die.
But you can only do it once, and there’s no turning back from it.
So be damn sure that you want it. Take all the time you need to make sure you damn for sure want it.
You only get one chance with this one. Don’t screw it up.
Personally, I’m taking my time to create a bucket list of things I want to do/places I want to go, and to get my affairs in order first.
Don’t go out in a fiery blaze based on your emotions at the moment, because those emotions may not last. But if they do last, be smart about it.
Have a nice life, I wish you all the world. ❤️ | 11 |
Is the urge to jump out of a driving car normal? | i could have the best day and the urge would happen | 1 |
please don't go please don't go | please don't go please don't go please don't go I'll change I want to change please don't go I'll be better for you I'll try my best please don't go this isn't happening please let me do better this isn't okay I'm not okay please stay with me don't go don't go don't go please I love you I'll do better I promise it hurts please stop | 5 |
I'm fucking terrified of myself. | I've been dealing with very frequent mood swings lately and while the ups are like "Why was I ever worried in the first place?", the downs are very bad.
Yesterday I even wrote a fucking suicide note.
Im currently not that down but I had a panic attack over it.
What if it gets bad enough and I actually kill myself? | 3 |
not pure ocd but it doesn't matter which one or which one | I've been in severe obsessive-compulsive disorder for 4 months and nobody here in my country really knows about it. I've been suffering every day for 4-5 months, immensely
I just don't tolerate medication at all, I'm too sensitive, my therapist hardly has time
I'm just waiting for a place in a clinic where they also have no idea about my obsessive-compulsive disorder
I can't sleep properly at night I never completely rest even when I'm asleep I can't eat anymore I just cry and can't stop it broke me I've never felt so suicidal in my life as I do right now I can't stand it anymore I can't live my life anymore because I'm constantly feeling extremely bad I feel so alone with my feelings and thoughts I'm afraid that I'm so far that I have to consider this brain operation for obsessive-compulsive disorders it scares me even more and it pulls me down even more extremely i really have no hope anymore because it is not getting better quite the opposite every second of my life is hell with this disease it is really killing me i have never suffered like this
That's not supposed to be self-pity either, but I've really never felt so bad in my life
I really don't know what to do anymore
I also really have physical pain from my obsessive compulsive disorder | 1 |
I'm getting older | In 5 months I'll be 25... twenty fucking five.. I've wasted my entire youth.. what the fuck have I done???! My life has been worthless from start to finish I've never been happy. Holy shit I wasted my life!!! I hope i die before my birthday | 27 |
Why do I even try anymore | I've been crying my self to sleep for the last year and I dont think I can take this much longer im only 26m but I have gone threw so much I dont want to remember any more...Im truly alone 😔 idk why im even trying anymore...I might just do it tonight not like anyone would care anyway | 3 |
Need to talk | I'm 16, male. I thought I made it out. Out of the constant pain. Out of constant judgement. Out of all this shit. But nope.
As a brave man once said.
Ah shit, here we go again.
Let me give you a quick recap. I have a bigger brother, from the day I learned how to speak, he always taunted me. Then we kind of made up, but it ruined my childhood. I grew up way too fast. I realized that when I went to 1st grade. I started talking about memes and how they're so funny, they were looking at me like I was crazy, they didn't know what those were.
That continued through 1-3 grade when they grew up enough to finally understand what I was talking about.
I went to a private school that didn't teach me shit. I don't even know how many continents there are, I don't know the capitals of so many countries.
My memory is so bad I don't remember my last holidays.
I can't count all the months in the year, I can tell you the first and the last one. I don't know the order of the ones in the middle.
My favourite artist is dead since 2018.
My brother now is a pussy ass bitch. He turns his back on everyone over the smallest things. I don't wanna talk about him.
I look like someone smashed me in the face with a sledgehammer.
I have long hair that I'm really insecure about. But I don't look good in anything else so I can't change it.
I have acne and im skinny as hell, I can't do 1 pushup. Forget about a pull-up.
I have 0 confidence, everytime I was walking through the school halls someone would look at me and laugh.
I have friends but they don't care about me, so they aren't really friends.
I thought I had a girlfriend at one point. HAHA nope, she just used my for my last savings I had.
I, I, I just... Can't do this shit no more.
I could list out so many more things.
If someone actually read this, thanks. Any kind of support would help.
(I found some vodka in my dad's drawer, I'm drinking it now to calm down the tears. So sorry if my responses after you see this post could be incoherent) | 9 |
Can i talk with someone? | Tried this earlier but only got clever jokes as response by fuckers who are already dead in my mind... | 1 |
Отец алкоголик | Мне 13 лет, мой отец пьет каждый день, срывается на мне, кричит на меня матом, ломает мои вещи, но при этом не приносит мне физические повреждения, когда я стараюсь с ним обсудить, то что ему нужно прекращать пить, он начинает меня материть и прекращает слушать, он потерял работу из-за алкоголизма, что делать? | 1 |
I don’t really know what else to do | I just want and need to die | 3 |
More than 20 abusers and I wanna fucking kill this whole planet and myself | The human race needs to be wiped out.
I’m sick and tired.
I can’t kill my abusers or I’m a bad person and a “murderer” I fucking hate it here. What kind of stupid ass laws are those??!
Fuck all people.
I’m too kind and too loyal and too fucking good to everyone AND FUCK THEM IM DONE WITH HUMANS I NEVER WANNA BE ON THIS PLANET EVER AGAIN.
Yeah yeah God, I get it, I get what life’s about! I get what you want from us! I get where we came from! I get the whole “have no fear” thing! I get it! I get it God! But I. Just. Don’t. Care.
I want to leave. Where is my doorway out, God?
Fuck you all with my middle finger in the air. | 14 |
Is it over for me | Got caught smoking pot and have been failing school since elementary. I am 15 now and have nothing going for me and I can’t learn anything. Posted on the true off my chest sub about my situation but at this point. Do I keep going or should I just end it? I’ve been scared of it too because I don’t want to go to hell. | 2 |
I don't wanna liv | I have nothing that makes fun
My boyfriend Broke up with me (I think I was obsessive and he just lose the will to visit me or give me attention because i was stressful)
I'm so fucking lonely
My mother has a stubborn child as a man
she ignores me and works all day
I don't have friends
And I miss My boyfriend
I'm scared of the New school after summer
And I have no will to liv
Give me one real reason why I should keep going | 2 |
I can't do it anymore maybe taking meds | I just want to sleeeep and never wake up. Sleep is so fucking great but the moment I wake up everything starts again, my stress levels are higher than before sleeping and I am fucked more than before. Well maybe next time I won't wake up who knows. Does anyone have experiences with sleeping pills? | 1 |
Don’t Want To Live | I feel there is no point. I can never get any peace. I don’t want to be here anymore. I need this all to end now. I am so fucking angry. I need drugs to take me away. I can’t do it anymore. Please release me from this pain. I would do anything to run away. This is the worst pain I have ever felt and it’s not even physical. I feel that is the worst part. My mind has gone through so much pain and stress it’s hard to live anymore. Therapy isn’t working for me. I need to escape this life. Why can’t I be happy? | 2 |
About to kms with cyanide | Wish me luck | 3 |
I'm in a really dark place and I only have myself to blame | Few years ago I ended a really good relationship. We were a great match, perfect even, but I was deeply unhappy. I thought it's because of the life we had and the relationship itself but I do know now that I myself and my depression were the source of that pain.
I left. I run, to be honest. I've put up the brave face. The initial phase came with some validation as my partner didn't take it well and said some really hurtful things... So I tied not to look back.
They've just announced their engagement, with a baby on the way. And only now it hit me, like a ton of black bricks of despair. I don't understand why with such a clarity after years of not dwelling on it. We had everything that mattered and I ruined it. Threw it away. It's gone now, there's no second chance and it's all my fault. I feel ... so bad and the regret is eating me alive and the pain is almost physical. And I know I have the same exact thoughts my partner had, years ago, I recognise the words that pop in my head. I know what they went through because now I feel it too and they were right. And its all my fault. I can barely comperhend how can someone mess up this badly.
I tried looking for happiness, only to find that anhedonia tricked me into thinking I was unhappy in the first place. Relationships didn't work out.
I've contemplated suicide for years, but I always felt like I can't do it to my mom. That I will wait until she's gone. But the last few days it feels like I may not be able to live up to that promise. I go to sleep every night praying I do not wake up.
​
​ | 2 |
Fuck It | I was 1 month clean from sh but after a string of breakdowns I'm mentally done. Fuck my arms, fuck me. I'm going to fucking try and get help 1 last God damn time. If no one cares then they can't say shit abt me or my fucking body | 4 |
i need someone to listen to me. im tired | i’m extremely tired. i guess i’m just writing this to get my thoughts out there because i feel like nobody is going to listen to me and it’s better then keeping everything bottled up. I have no one exact to vent to, so i’ll just shout into the void. I expect nothing in return, nor do i expect really anybody to pay attention to this.
i live a very lackluster life, i have normal hobbies: drawing, music, instruments, you name it, i’ve probably done it at least once in my life. people on the outside might see me as a fun-ish person that’s extremely introverted… but im extremely unstable and you really only get to learn that if we’re extremely close, but even then, im finicky on venting to close friends because i have a fear of losing them from my behavior.
i suffer from BPD, anxiety, depression and other illnesses, and all of these together is making me feel like i’m absolutely nothing. i go from these high boughts of happiness, to absolute lows, and tonight is one of those lows where i just want to roll up in a ball and cry my eyes out.
i’ve spent the entirety of today with distractions to keep negative thoughts away, like hanging out with a close friend. but now i’m really facing everything im feeling all at once and it’s really overwhelming. i can’t distract myself anymore, im too fucking tired and it’s all just crashing down on me at once.
i don’t want to be alive, i feel like there is no point in even living anymore. i just feel like a failure of a man and sometimes i just wish i was never here. i have a history of self esteem issues and self harm, but i’ve been self harm free for awhile and i’m proud of myself, but i always feel like im at the edge of relapse no matter what i do. i feel like a disappointment of a person, causing dissatisfaction everywhere that i go. i feel like half of a person that doesn’t deserve anything, let alone love and support. i sometimes feel like i should just roll over and die and nobody would care at all.
Borderline Personality Disorder tonight is kicking my ass and is making me feel worthless. i know it’s not my partners fault, but black and white thinking has me thinking she’s completely evil and out to get me because she doesn’t have energy to deal with me right now. its making me feel like such a burden onto her and I genuinely think she would be so much happier if I was just dead. i know she wouldn’t want that, but i can’t help but feel that strong emotion of just wanting to roll over, take all my pills and just die. i feel absolutely insane because she doesn’t want to give me attention or help because she’s also not okay, and i’m taking that information and getting even more depressed and suicidal.
I don’t want to be alive, I just don’t want to exist. I’m in one of those loops where I want to be dead, but do i REALLY want to be dead? my snake will miss me and, itd be too expensive if i were to die… so now what? “Now what?” is the question i’m constantly stuck at. I’m not happy living (and not because of my BPD tonight, the clusterfuck of all my other illnesses), it’s too stressful … but I’m also happy living because it’s not stressful. im in a constant loop of mania and depression and idfk what to do anymore because it drains me mentally.
I can’t tell if this whole thing is BPD-induced paranoia that will be gone by the time i’m showed the slightest amount of love or genuine feelings that i’m feeling right now. im gonna have to end this because the length of this is making my phone laggy.
thanks for listening | 3 |
Rejection broke me | Last year I applied for this high end private school that all of my relatives attended. My parents were so excited for me to go there, deep down I knew I was going to get rejected. My grades had been horrid. I had little hope.
Opening acceptance letters was not fun. I obviously got rejected. It still really hurt tho. I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was small. I saw the obvious disappointment in my family’s eyes when I told them. “How does it feel to be a fucking pathetic failure?” I thought to myself. It was also many other stress factors that made me just want to die. I’m done of always being looked down on. I was going to a school I didn’t even want to go to. I’m sorry if this sounds pathetic, I’m just so done. The guy I hate is even going to this school. Why can’t I just disappear at this point. | 6 |
I’m tired of everything | I’m tired of living in a world that doesn’t want me or people like me to exist in it, or they want me to exist just to be a punchline for a sick joke. I’m tired of waking up to bad news. I’m tired of seeing horrible people being replaced with someone worse. I’m tired of being ignored and left behind by people I love and care about. I’m at the end of my rope and it’s tempting to just let myself hang from it. Might be too dramatic to say, but I just don’t have it in me to keep going. And yet I still want to. Mostly because I don’t want to put anyone through that pain and grief. And for any new games coming out soon (haha). But other than that, I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what I’m going to do after I graduate. I don’t know if my dream job will still be around, and if it is, I don’t know if anyone would want me for it even though all I do is bend over backwards for it. It’s getting harder to exist, and all I want to do is live. | 3 |
Today it happens. Flip a coin, There's a 50/50 chance im finally killing myself | I will be calling my mom to finally bring her the news that I failed university. My mom absolutely despises me, hates me. I don't know what I did wrong to her but being born is appereantly enough for her to hate me, she wants me dead she's told me plenty of times to kill myself. Too much personal stuff happened plus me being hospitalized and I've failed uni now. I've been keeping it a secret for a while now because I'm so scared of what she will do. Today I'm calling her because she's not home. Depending on how she reacts to it, I might be able to stretch my life out a bit more like I've been able to do before, or I'm just killing myself today. It all depends on her now. I want to kill myself so bad but I try to stay here for the very few people that actually do care about me, I just don't know if I can make it past today. I'm scared to death of my own mother and nobody believes me, nobody wants to help me. I've tried so hard to get help everywhere but nobody believes me | 2 |
Hell or high water | I woke up this morning with the clearest mind yet. This ends now. I was always afraid of hanging but found a way to get the belt to lodge in my door just the right way. Yesterday was the umpteenth birthday alone, and I’m recently homeless. No support system. My best friend gave up on me because I wasn’t recovering from COVID isolation fast enough - and I get boundaries, especially around dark shit, it’s why I’ve held it in my whole life and only ever talk to therapists, but when you haven’t had anyone to speak to for four years it’s hard to keep it in. And things kept happening. Got into the Ivy of my dreams after losing my childhood to having to work to keep my mom supported after a stroke. graduated right back into the poverty I was trying to escape and don’t have any connections to that life anymore. Like tasting a whole different, easier form of life and getting it yanked away from you. Icing on the cake was losing my savings the past two months while I flit from airbnbs due to losing my apartment. There’s quite literally nothing and no one left. Spent my birthday huddled over trying not to move so I wouldn’t get hungry, cause I didn’t have cash for food. Tomorrow my storage unit will shut down from nonpayment and my last remaining material items will disappear. Nothing left.
Whatever.
I just really want my best friend to know how much I loved him, and I’m sorry for giving him enough darkness to scare him off. I don’t think I’ve ever cherished anyone that much in my life. Didn’t grow up with friends and family, have always been in it on my own. He made me feel like there was someone who would be there, come hell or high water. The gag is I did so much therapy during the first half of COVID to prevent this and the isolation just kept going on. Almost comically couldn’t get to see him before I went, and I hate our last face to face conversation.
I’m not logging back on anymore. Happy birthday to me I guess. Finally free. | 1 |
I don't know how much I can do this anymore. | My father is the main stressor, he's controlling narstistic and disrespectful a liar and a drug addict he's mentally ill he has no money to pay the internet bill so it went off.
He's been out of work for 20 years, I have searched rat poison on google I don't want to harm him or hurt him.
I expects me to use my savings to pay for the internet bill, I told him I don't have £175 he expected me to have that amount in my account he went on a angry rant.
I have £360 in a cash isa I can't access it, because I lost the login information.
I can't move out, because he is the appointee of the claim he preys on innocent people and hurts people. | 1 |
I'm a monster, and monsters need to be put down. | I did alot of terrible stuff when I was a teenager, I wasn't a good person at all. And I know everyone will be like "oh, I stole candy as a kid. I understand"
No, I did horrible things. Unforgivable things..
And I deserve to die because of them, I don't deserve happiness when I fucked up as badly as I did.. my death will bring peace to those I wronged and it'll prevent me from hurting anyone else.. | 3 |
Begins and Ends with A. Part 2. | It's been a week since I tried to drive back to the place I first tried to commit suicide. I didn't really realize I was heading there until I passed by the nuclear titties... IYKYK.
​
This is the second time I've done this in a year. Almost a year to be exact. I started to write in my journal again and same thing...almost a year since the last time I tried to commit suicide the same way, same place, because I thought someone actually gave a fuck about me...
They all think the same, I can hear them all... he's doing it for attention...he's trying to manipulate you...what they don't know is I've been trying to end my life since I was 13. Going to war didn't even solve that want to no longer exist. It just made my continued existence even more difficult... I've had 2 attempts with a firearm...pulled the trigger and everything...no bang, just a click, twice. First time was with a shotgun because I wanted to paint the walls, because I wanted to finally be taken seriously...heard...seen...
I haven't tried cutting since I was a teenager. I guess I ended up replacing the cutting with tattoos. Each one being a story of the failed attempt at my life.
I know you know what I did. I know what you did. All I wanted was to see if you really learned your lesson like you said you did and approach me with empathy instead of being petty. Trying to test you to see if you were capable of doing so was definitely a mistake on my part, and I was ready to come forward with everything if you could just show me the changed behavior.
"Ending your life because of someone is never the right answer. You have more to live for..." What no one understands is its not because of someone, it's because of what I've done to those people, what I've done to family, what I've done to myself, what my parents have done to me, what others have done to me...
It wasn't always about you. My suicidal thoughts and attempts were always a combination of everything. You were only one small part of the larger picture. I opened up to you about a lot of things, and there were still some things I couldn't tell you. I couldn't trust you, it didn't feel safe to tell you yet.
I always found myself being able to forgive you, because you are still learning. I've existed longer than you have, and I just wanted to guide you away from everything that I learned the hard way. I don't want you to experience the same grief, agony, guilt, shame that I've felt. Saving you was in turned saving myself, a bit at a time. Even still after all this I still love you, and yet, you never loved me back and maybe never will. | 1 |
How do i tell my parents I need to go back to the hospital | I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words but I'm having alot of thoughts about dying. I hated being in the hospital but I also hate what I'm feeling right now. I relapsed into self harm last night because my sensitive ass can't react to certain things like a normal person. I also start my new job today but don't even feel mentally prepared. If I tell my dad I need to go back to the hospital, but I think he's gonna be mad. I don't wanna stress them out, I hate feeling like a burden. | 1 |
I think I may change my mind | I am a student (Female 17)......i was born and brought up in the same house throughout my life..i have a joint Indian family. it's very chaotic and toxic. Basically every member hate someone or the other, and that shit impacted me heavily.....
I am the youngest daughter of my parents. I have an academically overachieving sister who is no wonder my parents fav. Don't think I am making this shit up bcz of my insecurity. My mother literally told me this on several occasions that I was a disgrace to the fam, and she doesn't understandshow I am her child and that, my sister is her fav kid.
As u can assume i don't hv the best relationship with my mom. Although we pretend to the outside world that we are fine, in reality she doesn't even know my fav colour.
i have changed 3 scls throughout my life and from scl (no. 2) I was bullied a lot. I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL... Throughout the heavy bullying phase i made myself a promise no matter how bad shit hurts I will not kill myself. I complained to the teachers only to get victim blamed and the bullying getting worse.i stopped resisting, accepted my fate.One of the bully's elder sister (also another bully of our scl, two yr senior than us )committed suicide. It was the first time I saw someone i knew die from committing suicide. But now the promise I made, made me feel good about myself for some reason and that willingness to keep it grew stronger...i am in 12th now...past few weeks my life has changed for the worse, full of drama and now I am suffering from severe depression and thinking of quitting my life. My mom knew about my bullies and she NEVER did anything about it except telling me to ignore them.....
Today we had an argument over something, I kept quiet throughout the whole conversation and she was the one shouting her lungs out. But during her yelling session she told me "you deserved to get bullied, you deserved every piece of shit that ever happened to u". That stung. THAT SHIT HURTS.
I LEFT THE ROOM AND WHILE I AM WRITING THIS MY HANDS ARE STILL shaking and tears are still rolling. I can't cry out loud because that's what Indian family are like. That will make me an entitled, misbehaving, attention seeking crybaby. At this point I am not sure if i should stick to my promise I made to my younger self of never ending my life, no matter how worse life gets. I am tired of everything, i just want peace. If i disappear will she finally be satisfied? | 1 |
I'm feeling so tired of being alive | I can't stand it anymore
I wish I could just die already, peacefully in my sleep. I don't wanna go to university I don't wanna work. I don't wanna see my parents I don't wanna go back to my house I don't wanna see the guy I was having a thing with anymore I don't wanna see my friends. I can't stand being alone. I'm so fucking tired of everything. | 5 |
I just want to be okay | I'm about to turn 25 and I hate my life. My parents care about me, but I didn't consent to existence. Every time I open up to them, they make it about themselves and how they would feel if I killed myself. It just makes me feel guilty for having these feelings at all, so now I have noone to talk to except my therapist. I don't want to be here anymore, but i feel like I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. I'm in therapy and on medication, but I feel like it does nothing, and every day just passes by without notice. There's nothing for me in this life, and I'm slowly becoming an alcoholic to deal with it, which is... not good. I wish someone would murder me or I would get into a fatal car accident or something so that my parents don't have to bear the shame of having a kid so weak that he killed himself. I don't even know why I'm posting. I'm drunk and having a terrible day. | 3 |
Not suicidal. Need help with a friend who might be. | For a bit of background information, I (15m) got sat next to a kid (15 trans but unidentified and uses he/they pronouns) in my term 2 chemistry class. They IMMEDIATELY struck up conversation with me and within a few weeks declared us friends. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was 5 and have absolutely no social skills so i was completely blindsided by this. Not really sure what i was supposed to do and not wanting to seem rude, I gave him my discord when he asked for it (I don't have or want a phone) and we began talking outside of school too. At first they seemed cool and my mum was really happy that i had finally made a friend. We're the same age, both play competitive football, both have adhd, live only 20 minutes apart by bus, and he didn't seem AT ALL put off by me being the weird autistic kid so i was thrilled to finally have someone my own age to talk to.
He disclosed to me quite early that he has generalised anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and trauma (unspecified so I didn't push because I don't think it's any of my business) and has also spent time doing inpatient treatment for mental health issues, which didn't bother me because we all have our things right? I also tried to learn as much as i could about transgender people so i could try and support them without being offensive because while knowing that this was a thing, I never experienced it first hand and I didn't want to screw it up.
Now, 6 months later, we hang out at the park together to play football, I've been to his house to hang out, met his parents and siblings, they've met my mum, and they now consider me to be their best mate. I don't really know how it works but I suppose he's mine too. Most of the time I really enjoy hanging out and they genuinely seem like a decent person.
Now to the problem. Within a few days of us hanging out outside of school they started sending me messages saying things like "im so sick of this maybe I'll be better off dead", "i hate myself and i wish i was dead", "im really depressed right now and i kinda want to kill myself", "im so dysphoric and i want to die" and so on. I was deeply concerned the first 4 or 5 times and would stay on a voice call often until 2 in the morning so i could make sure they were okay mostly just listening and reassuring that i didn't think he was crazy, a burden, broken, etc.
Usually the conversation would continue in the same pattern of:
Him: Threat of suicide or self-harm.
Me: Asking how serious it is and if he needed me to call for emergency support.
Him: denial and reassurance that it's not that bad.
Me: confirmation that they're not in any acute danger.
Him: more reassurance followed by emotional vent about the current situation.
Me: listening without judgment.
Both of us: moving on to something else once he's done venting but staying on the line until they give the all clear that he's feeling better now and no longer wanting to die.
Hanging up.
I have suggested more professional help multiple times but he doesn't like any therapists and immediately shuts that idea down, often annoyed with me so i stopped pushing, but the calls just keep coming.
I don't want to be that guy but it's often over something i wouldn't consider a big deal either. I want to make it clear that i have never said this to their face and have no plans to. I don't think it will help having me saying "It's really not a big deal, dude. Get over it. " but I'm not exactly sure what would help.
The thing that's making me finally post this though is because no matter what I say, no matter what the situation is, he never stops saying it and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
I feel guilty saying this but it's reached a point that when he calls I no longer feel scared just worn out. Almost like a "well, i guess we're doing this again" feeling, but again, I have never said this to him for fear of making it worse and i still join the call every single time. I'm no longer scared that he's in danger because after 30+ times where they never actually attempt something or make it seem like they're planning to, it's become rather hard to still take seriously.
It seems like it's being exaggerated and blown out of proportion to the point where his solution to every single problem, no matter how small, is suicide.
It's exhausting having someone i do genuinely care about message me 4-5 times a week saying they want to die, with me (a 15 year old with no life experience and no clue how to respond) as their main source of support.
I know that these types of comments can often be disguised calls for help but i just don't know how to tell if it is or how i could even get him the help that they need and this is getting really tiring.
Im not trying to say "oh woe is me for having to deal with this" i am truly concerned and i do genuinely want to help i just don't know what that help is and calling me at 11pm doesn't seem to be actually fixing anything long term.
So if anyone has ANY advice as to how i should move forward it would be GREATLY appreciated.
I want the best for my friend and i feel bad that he's in this position but i dont know how much longer i can go on being the only source of support when it's clearly not making a difference.
It's the same thing over, and over, and over and I'm not sure where i should draw the line.
Any advice? | 9 |
I decided the last day of my life |
I’m posting this on a throw away for obvious reasons, but July 25th will be the last day I will be alive. It’s the day I graduate from GED classes and the same day that I will be taking my own life.
I have fucked up, hurt, and have done horrible things to people that I cannot live with anymore. I regret everything I’ve done to people who I loved, especially to someone who I loved so much but ended up driving them away because of my stupid actions
I feel relief and ecstatic that soon this will all be over, I can’t hurt anyone anymore nor can anyone hurt me. All I’ve ever done was hurt people, friends, family, lovers, you name it. I’ve tried to change and have failed many times over.
I will love and miss everyone I connected and grew a bond with. For basic information, I’m 20, practically physically disabled, and the great company of US of A has fucked me over more times than I can count. Being a diabetic and call you know I’d expect them to give me the medicine that saves my life for free but fuck me right?
My back is permanently damaged due to herniated discs and I live in constant pain, but fuck me right?
I’m done, I’m done trying and I’m done caring.
So long friends, I hope y’all have a good one. | 2 |
Stuck | I’ve been wanting to die almost my whole life i can remember being the closet trying to hang myself and cursing out god.. at 10. I can’t remember a time where i felt normal. I know I’ll never feel 100% normal. There’s something in me that makes me feel empty no matter what i do to fill that void it never works, I’ve tried all options from good to bad. I don’t believe In god anymore nothing feels real, every day just seems to morph into one, years are passing by fast and I’m not keeping up, i feel left back in 2012. I’m too pussy to kill myself now, so i have to accept what my life has become. I’ve really tried to better my life. The feeling never goes away. I should’ve been dead multiple times but I’m still here it’s like torture. I don’t deserve to be here but innocent babies die. I want to die but I’m forced to be here when people who want to live are taken out. Life makes no sense. I hope it doesn’t last much longer. | 2 |
I really messed up today and I know it’s my fault | I (18F) really messed up today. I still live with my parents and I can’t drive so I still rely on them to bring me to hang out with my friends. Today, I asked them to bring me to hang out with my best friend when in reality they were bringing me to hang out with an ex I recently reconnected with and am now friends with. My parents absolutely despise him for breaking my heart, especially my dad who does not forgive or forget anything. Ever. I really didn’t want this to blow up which is why I lied. They ended up finding out and now I’m in a lot of trouble and I feel like they hate me. I know I am 100% responsible for my actions and that I fully deserve for them to hate me.
I get panic attacks quite frequently but I think this is the worst one I’ve ever had. I’m sobbing, hyperventilating, light headed, and feel sick to my stomach. And it’s not helping that my parents are treating me like I’m being over dramatic and that I’m staging this to make them feel bad. I’m also having really bad intrusive thoughts. Suicide is never something I thought about before but right now I’m thinking about it. This is not the first time my parents have gotten this mad at me and sometimes I really wonder how much easier their life would be without me here. This thought is absolutely terrifying me and is making my panic attack worse. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning but I’m really terrified right now and need to get this off my chest somewhere. | 3 |
I wasn’t planning on making it past 14-15, now I’m turning 17 next month | I don’t know how to feel about it. Some parts of me are happy to be alive but some parts are angry I’m alive too. There’s so much good and bad stuff that happened to me since then, So much stuff shouldn’t of happened and so much stuff should’ve. I think it’s too late now to kill myself, my niece is almost 3 and even tho she most likely wouldn’t remember me when she grow up, but she remembers me now and will miss me. (Sorry if this is written poorly, I’m high, tired, and on mobile) | 2 |
Bought Roundup. | I think i might drink the bottle. I keep it next to my bed, hoping for the best. I've never had any freinds, I'm probably going to fail middle school, my parents are catching on to my behavior and are asking why I stopped talking. And I had to confess to my dad about the scar on my arm. I used to be the brilliant honors student, but now my emotions have made me the dumbest in school. | 3 |
Thinking out loud | Just dumping some thoughts while I’m very not sober and need somewhere for this to go. Thank god for autocorrect.
I don’t know where to start it’s just that I’m so fully rock solid sure I’ll kill myself someday. And I know how and made sure it will be successful. And that decision brightnmy peace but the thing I don’t know is when and that stresses me out. I’d love to do it tonight. Should I just do it tonight ?
I worry about a couple things. My best friends, my mom, my sister, and would my therapist get in trouble? Will the audit her and see if she was supposed to do something else? I bajar to write a letter that she is not responsible but I don’t know if it’s get to the write place or if it would work.
I think it’s good that dogs have short memories so Abby won’t be sad. I wish humans would feel the same | 2 |
Those who survived suicide by hanging do you recall how did it feel when doing that? | I heard, that you pass out after few seconds but also heard, that you are dying in the agony and your head feels like its about to explode.
I am just curious how does it really feel, or was it different for different people?
If you don't mind sharing of course. | 1 |
What’s the point of continuing to live if I just get mental and physical diseases later | I haven’t taken good care of myself for a lot of my life so why should i keep living if I’m just going to develop diseases later in life that will hurt me | 2 |
How do I make sure the people closest to me don’t get as hurt? | Title speaks for itself. I have a few months to save up some money so my roommate doesn’t need to worry about the extra rent. But how do I make things emotionally easier for those close to me? | 2 |
Therapy hurts | I really suspect of having did/osdd. But I 100% know that I have dissociative disphoria.
Sometimes the therapy hurts, I have this dissociative disorder because my brain doesn't want to be hurt by reality. Sometimes I wish I could stay living like that, but know is impossible to think that without therapy I could work. But therapy really hurts and I barely have any strong goals for it.
I don't know if I can survive the therapy, I don't know if oneday I will be okay, I don't know if oneday I will be able to be happy. | 1 |
who up feeling deeply unlovable | I mean yeah I have friends who treasure me and stuff. but I’ve never had a partner. every talking stage I’ve had ends up falling in love after things end. I don’t get what I’m doing wrong. it’s like there’s something so unlovable about me that no one finds me worth it. they tell me that this is untrue, that they’re just not good enough. so why don’t they get better for me? why don’t they actually want to love me?
everytime i get close, it’s like they stop seeing me for who I am. they stop looking at me and see someone else. I’ll remember their favorite things and they won’t remember mine. but of course, they’ll remember the next person’s. I’m not enough. I’m never going to be enough.
I hate seeing so many people, especially younger couples. like am I so awful that no one will stick with me? I know my life is unstable but they stick with each other thru everything. why won’t anyone do the same for me? I ask everyone what’s so wrong with me that no one loves me but they just tell me I’m unlucky. it’s like I’m really not meant to be loved in this life. do you think that if I die now, in my next one maybe I’ll be luckier? | 8 |
Motivation | Wish I had motivation to do it. Failed so many times. Humans are merciless. Animals are merciless. Human life is a mistake. Birth is evil. Death is the only mercy.
Wish I could just die. | 2 |
I was trying | I've been trying to just through the next 2 years of my life and go to college so I can atleast try again with more freedom and I could also be away from my family. I don't know if it'll make me happy but, I figured I'd try.
That being said I don't know if I can anymore. Everything's been feeling worse and worse for me and I don't want to deal with it. I really don't have any reason to live besides the hope that something gets better. I don't have any friends or family (that doesn't hate me) either so I don't have anyone else to live for either.
I haven't in so long but, I've been self harming again and it makes me feel so much worse about myself than I already do I hate myself more than anyone else ever could hate me I just wish I wasn't such a pussy so I could finally just finish myself off. | 4 |
my mom just admitted she tried to kill herself last summer | CW: description of suicide attempt
So last night my mom was drinking and during a heated argument with me and my dad last night she admitted that last summer she turned her car on in the garage and woke up puking. Her intent was seemingly to end her life. I brought it up to her this morning and she walked it back by saying that she didn't wake up puking, just woke up coughing. I said that it didn't matter and that most people who do that don't wake at all, and she was so lucky she woke up. I told her I would much rather call an ambulance for her than go to a funeral, and that if she ended her life I would never feel whole again as a person. Every happy moment I would experience from then on would be in spite of that fact that she was gone.
Im terrified that she's gonna become suicidal again and not tell anyone. I'm so terrified and I don't know what to do. She didn't tell anyone that night. And I don't even think she went to the hospital. | 2 |
It's so cold | Not physically but on the inside. Every night I feel so cold, alone, and hollow. I'm caring less and less about everything. I have no more hope for anything anymore. I'm so ready to give up. So damn ready. | 3 |
I’m getting tired | I’m tired of my 12 an hour job. I’m tired of not being able to have sex anymore due to intimacy issues. I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of everything being so expensive. I’m tired of feeling like a loser. I’m tired of not feeling like I’m good at anything. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve fallen behind. I’m tired of not having more than one close friend. I’m so tired of being so stressed out that my hair is going grey. I’m just tired…
I don’t think I’ve gained the balls to kill myself, but I’m getting more and more afraid of the day that may come. I’m not even sure if anyone outside my immediate family would be sad.
I can’t pay for therapy and my family wants me to pay them back for whatever money could be thrown my way to pay for things.
I’m just losing strength now everyone. I’m getting tired. | 2 |
In the bath | This morning I’ve been trying to drown myself in the bath. Yesterday I called every helpline and they were all busy. Finally managed to get on a text based one who tried to help me a bit. I had a big panic attack/meltdown yesterday and I told them I didn’t want to exist anymore. I don’t actually want to take my life as I don’t want to hurt my family. I wish I never existed instead. But this morning the bath was so calming and warm and I wanted to drown so all my pain and overwhelm would be gone. I blindfolded myself and tipped face down into the bath. But try as I might, I failed. I kept needing to come up to cry. I could see visions of tall buildings all around me like I was looking up at them. I tried to meditate into the vision in the hopes it would relieve me of my earthly woes but it didn’t. I failed. I also felt bad to leave my life in a mess for my family so I might pack things up and leave them my passwords and things so next time there is less to worry about. Might put everything in a storage unit and move out of my place. Then see to it. | 1 |
I just want to be okay & happy | I did everything by the book & what my parents asked from me. I went to college & got my degree, I got a corporate job, etc. I can’t afford to live on my own, I hate my job, idk what I’m doing with my life. I’m processing the painful experiences of SAs, I’m processing everything I’ve gone through as an adult. The trauma started at 18 & now I’m 27. I’m trying everyday to keep afloat, and when I open up about my depression I’m “a drama queen.” Everyone including my own parents make me a witness to their arguments, make me keep their secrets & want me to be their rock. What about me? When is someone my rock? There’s a lot going on or that has happened since I turned 18, it’s been difficult. I just can’t shake these suicidal thoughts for long. They always come back. | 2 |
Kind of peaceful | It’s nice knowing one day we will cease to exist and nothing will matter, it’s calming knowing one day it’ll all be over. | 6 |
He doesn't know. | I told my dad I wasn't in a great mood today. The response I got was something along the lines of: "neither am I, I have a lot on my plate" and then he just starts listing off every responsibility he has rn, and asks what could possibly be wrong for me
He doesn't know a thing. He doesn't know...*anything*. I didn't tell him, obviously, but- that still really hurt, to be honest. Because if I did tell him the truth, he would never believe me. He was this close to getting it out of me but even if he did it would've just gotten brushed off | 3 |
I dont understand people | I give so much kindness only to be met with hate.
Ive been bullied since primary school I came to detest humans.
I dont have a single friend.
Peoples actions dont make sense to me.
I just want to die. | 10 |
. | You don't like myself and I know that all it would take was one really bad day | 1 |
I need to kill myself so i can be in peace | Everyday for the past four years, i only thought about killing myself and how peaceful it would be for me and my family if i just disappear. I’m fucking stuck in football and i hate this fucking sport. i hate how my parents discard any of my emotions since “i quit everything”. i was fucking 12. i’m sorry that i wasn’t a millionaire when i was 12 but i can’t do this for my parents happiness anymore. i love my girlfriend to death but i think she would find someone better and more on. i wrote my note and everything but doing it is much harder than it looks. i tried overdosing, i can’t hang myself because nothing is strong enough to. please just end my suffering please | 3 |
I just want to end this utterly dogshit life. | I just want to commit suicide and end this utterly dogshit life so I don't have to suffer in this fucking useless and dogshit life anymore. 16 1/2 years in and I can't anymore. Life is always, at any fucking time against me. | 46 |
I said I love you to a bunch of my friends and family now I can go 16F | I couldn’t say it to everyone I care about because I don’t want to raise suspicion. I’m trying to say it as much as possible to people. I think tonight is going to be the night I do it. I feel bad for those I haven’t been able to contact but I think now is the perfect time to do it and I’m honestly really calm right now. It’s not like a split second thing. I’ve been having problems since I was 8 years old and suicidal since 11 years old. I’ve tried everything you’re supposed to and even not supposed to nothing helps. I’m very weak right now because I am sick all the time and have a virus on top of that. So hopefully since I’m really weak from my health conditions and the virus it’ll be easy to get this over with | 6 |
Good night | good night | 4 |
i need someone to vent to | I’m the therapist friend, I have always been. I have this “aura” that makes people comfortable enough to tell me their problems, inner thoughts they never told anyone before. even if i’m basically a stranger to them.
So that’s what I do, I listen. I’m a listener.
My best friend is not okay, like actually not okay right now.
My only other friend is also not okay.
My therapist dismissed me when i told them about my ED.
My parents always gaslight me when i open up.
I can’t talk to anyone, i can’t bother my friends with my stupid problems when they’re not okay because that would be selfish.
However i REALLY need someone to listen to me for once, and it’s not like my friends wouldn’t listen if i opened up but i just can’t. Because what if I say too much and give them something else to worry about? they have their stuff going on already.
I don’t know how much more i can take, the voices are getting stronger and louder and ignoring them is becoming harder and harder every day. Killing my self would be extremely selfish of me since if I die my friends will feel worse, I recognise that.
I don’t wanna die, i just wanna get close enough to dying people will get worried and listen to me. isn’t that horrible? | 1 |
Rant | Feel free to ignore this might be incoherent.
I could spend days talking to no one but people at work and I could just lay on my floor for hours and let my dishes go moldy for days and no one would notice but me. I try so hard to make myself feel good but it’s all useless my life is fucking sad and pathetic anyways. I have no fucking friends and nothing to look forward. I’ve tried leaning into enjoying my own company and I do like being by myself but I hate being lonely and there’s only so much I can do on my own until it starts to feel pathetic. I don’t even know why I’m here. Everything makes me anxious even melting ice cream apparently.
I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I want to be happy so bad but it doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards. I feel like this might be karma for how shitty I’ve been in the past, and maybe I deserve to feel this way. Even good moments are fleeting. I don’t know if I can maintain a healthy relationship with anyone at this point because I’m so fucked up. | 3 |
I'm a lost cause and everything i try to do fails again and again and again and i have no path towards the future | I slowly and slowly lose more hope. Since last year i sent more then 90 FUCKING CVS and not only did more than half of them employers did not fucking answer the rest always answered with "teehee our minimum wage, part time retail job is only for people with 5 years of experience and optionnaly 2 diplomas uwu" ?????????
Applied to an illustration school, where in my portfolio i put you know FUCKING ILLUSTRATIONS?????? (+plus one tear jerker painting about my disorder) just for it to be rejected because the ILLUSTRATION SCHOOL didn't like the ILLUSTRATIONS and prefer the "waaaaah waaaaah 😭😭😭 i'm handicaped" painting. They deadass said "they wished they saw more "personal pieces" like the one painting about my struggles" ????????? Fuck them??? Fuck them right????? If i had balls i'd come and give them a permanent handicap, just so they know what it's really like. Alas i'm a coward.
And now, i finally aced a job interview just to be called back today to be told that they found someone with more experience than me??????? 2 days after my birthday!! Birthday surprise 😍😍😍😍😍
And i love my friends and sister, but seeing them succeeding academically or professionally while i'm stuck with the little money i have, having to fucking freeload off my parents is crushing. I wish i didn't have a retarded ass brain, i wish i was smart enough for studies, i wish i wasn't apparently born with a negative thousand karma???? I'm a loser and a lost cause and whatever i try to do, it fails again and again and most of the time it's because of something out of my grasp. It's been more than one year that's it's like that and i can't deal with the stress and uncertainty anymore. Even before that it was other types of problems. I never had a moment of respite and stability and certainty for at least the past 4 years.
I legit think i'm gonna take all my remaining xanax and gulp it down with wine. If i die cool, if i live i'll get to be in a mental hospital half braindead and daydreaming for the rest of my life. I already took 7 xanax but my mind is going at 500 km/h while my body feels like mush and heavier than ever. | 4 |
I really want to die | I am a failure my whole life. I have so much debt, failed expectations, becoming homeless in couple weeks. I feel like if I could somehow find a gun, I would just shoot myself in the head. I don't feel like living anymore. Please help me die. | 3 |
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