title
stringlengths 1
300
| content
stringlengths 1
39k
⌀ | score
int64 0
6.38k
|
|---|---|---|
i can’t do this anymore. | i’m just done. i hate myself and everyone. i’m never going to get better and all i wanna do is down all these pills and finish it off with a bottle of everclear and just let myself be taken. everyone walks all over me constantly and just expects me to be okay with it. i’m so fucking compulsive and i hate myself for it. i’m utter trash and worthless. i finally got my insurance to cover ketamine trials for my trd and as soon as that happens there’s a nation shortage and i’m being postponed indefinitely. i’m moving back in with my abusive bpd mom and my dad bc i can’t take care of myself i’ve gotten so bad. i fail at everything. i’m a terrible son, brother, boyfriend, student, you name it and i fucking suck at it. i have no desire to be alive at all and depression has taken any sort of joy out of my life. i’m always on edge and nothing other than a fucking benzo helps and even then it doesn’t really help all that much. i’m undeserving of love and everyone makes sure i know it. i feel entirely alone in every way. | 1 |
vent ig | i just want to be loved why my parents wont love me why i am like this why i have bpd why my mom doesnt love me why she doesn't even if i did EVERYTHING i could to make her love me why my dad is only screaming why he isn't validating my feelings why i have parents like that why i cant just be dead why i cant just move out of my house why cant i just be alone just why | 3 |
I just turned 25 today. | I’m trying really hard to do better and be better, I’m just exhausted. | 3 |
Feeling of being unwanted since birth | I don’t want anything telling me “it’s gonna be okay” “hold in there”
My life started off with my parent taking me off life support, multiple times.. obviously I’m here and they went to prison for a while..
got into drugs at 12, knowingly have had depression for 12 years and as of about 4 years ago been managing it better..
I’m not gonna harm myself, I just need to vent
I’ve got a tumor on my thyroid that’s been enlarging over the last year.. I recently stopped taking my antidepressants bc of financial reasons (for MDD, ptsd, drug addiction) and I’ve always known when my defendant gets older. Im gonna kill myself.. I don’t wanna live in pain, I don’t wanna continue to fake being happy, I don’t wanna have to be subject to taking a pill to make myself happy and when I can’t afford it… all the feelings come back 100x harder..
People WANTING to live to an old age has confused me since I had a concept of age… the losses, the heart break, the pain you’ll deal with… not worth it to me… what is worth it right now tho is showing my kid I’m gonna try my best | 2 |
I give up | Suicide is a privilege to me. I even get to choose how I die. | 3 |
i think its over for me | im 17 now staying in my grandmas couch because my mom kicked me out over something i didnt do, thats nothing compared to the rest of my life. at least i have somewhere to stay but the pain is back and more unbearable than ever, i think its over. i just have to plan it out and itll be over, ill be fine and resting. i just wish something would happen to me instead of killing myself so people wont call me selfish once im gone but i wont be here so, ill let myself go now, ill take all the drugs i want and hopefully itll kill me before my actual attempt. i cant believe i got this far. im so sad all the time, and i think its just time to do what ive been meant to do since i was born | 1 |
It’s been a long time since I felt suicidal, but today is a bad mental health day | null | 1 |
I don't wish for suicide | I realised after lots and lots of suicidial thoughts that i couldn't attempt anything, because I kknow I am loved. I just wish i never existed. or for my disappearance to not matter to anyone.
​
I am not living for me, I'm living for my friends or my family or anyoe actually.
I don't know whether I will bear this kind of life (for the rest of my days) or not. | 2 |
idk what the fuck i’m supposed to do… | when the idea of killing myself is so scary, but the idea of continuing on in this life is just as scary. every month i tell myself i’m not gonna live to see the next month but i always do. i can’t keep living like this but i don’t have the guts to kill myself.
i don’t want to die but i know it’s the only option i have to escape everything. i don’t have a choice.
i can’t get out i’m fucking trapped. why does suicide have to be so fucking violent i wish it could just be lights out and that’s it. everyone says “be strong” but i wish i was strong enough to do what needs to be done to get out of here.
help | 1 |
bf said I make him miserable and he’s all I have | My boyfriend said I make him miserable a few months ago and I live with this sentence stuck in my head 24/7. I experienced horrific abuse for 18 years by my parents and I finally left and a year later someone is saying I make them miserable. I always knew my abuse was my fault, I shouldn’t have been the way I was all my life, then I wouldn’t have been sexually assaulted and beat and locked in a house for 18 years. This is all my fault and I don’t make anyone happy so why am I alive? I was kicked out at 18 because when I tried to run away a few months earlier I almost got myself trafficked, I escaped the man’s house but I got ridiculed for this until I left my parents house. They don’t care about me and I don’t know what I did to make my own parents not care about me. I only have my boyfriend and I don’t even see the point of sticking around if I make his miserable. My only friend I talk to says my boyfriend doesn’t treat me right and I shouldn’t listen to him but it’s so hard. why has no one wanted me for 19 years. why is it so easy for everyone to hurt me. The only rational thing I have to do is end it because I don’t have a home to go to | 6 |
i just want to die | it’s far too much i just CANNOT handle it anymore. i just pray that i’ll die in my sleep it is so unfuckingbearable. problems after problems after problems. anxiety after anxiety after anxiety. one step forward but three steps back. and i have absolutely no enjoyment in my life at all. its just fucked over from top to bottom. | 13 |
I’m so fucking done with life | I come here often ish to vent about the same things bc whenever I remember how shit my life is I get so mad at EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
I don’t have friends anymore bc I’m depressed and can be toxic ig. I hate myself. I hate that I’m the reason I lost my friends. Like it would be easier if I could just blame them. It would be easier being mad at someone else. BUT IM MAD AT MYSELF AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I had such good gaming friends and I fucked over myself and now I’m so lonely.
Even if I try making friends nothing will happen bc I’m so shit at making friends. I have to get lucky. Like I did earlier this year AND I WENT AND MESSED IT ALL UP BY BEING FUCKING STUPID FUCK ME.
Every day I just wish to die and I know I will do it soon. Fucking shitty life | 2 |
I'm done! | Im leaving.. I am telling here so someone should know I tried. But everything hurts! | 5 |
This..will be my 3rd attempt. | So, it's happening again. (2nd time posting)
I, unfortunately survived 2 huge (I had few minor attempts as well but I don't consider it) attempts (overdosing) and ended up on the ER and sent to a psych ward few months ago. I semi-recovered and tried to crawl back to society but due to the damage I've caused on myself, it is way harder than before. My family can't support me since they are having hard time on the financial issues due to the aftermath of COVID. I hate being a burden to anyone and I'm already being one just living like this. I'm 34 and turning 35 this coming October. Had a job, working in an insurance company and before that, I use to be a manager in a Sushi Restaurant for years. I've always had depression since my bestfriend past away when I was only in middle school and started to become worse when my favorite aunt and my dad pass away. Drugs were my only thing that eased me away but addiction got me really bad. Candies and snow +alcohol was top tier on my early 20s. When I turned 26 I started abusing xanax by getting prescribed due to my mental-illness, like depression and bipolar issues. Well, it got worse. My attempts were to overdose with these pills saved up & taking at least 300mgs with alcohol. I was found by my family and was sent to ER. Like I said before I've done this twice and failed. Now I'm more of a failure and a loser who even failed his own death lol. I don't feel like getting too much details about my troubled past and child hood since it ain't going to change anything. Done therapy, didn't work at all. This time, I'm pretty sure I will succeed. I just need to get my hands on the blues or something stronger or equal to end my stupid life. Can anyone recommend me some pills that I can overdose with? I've done with ritalin and xanax before but survived. I'm currently prescribed mirtazapine for sleeping issues. Can this work if I mix with alcohol and some other stuff? If yes, how many mgs should I take?. I just want to end everything. Especially, don't want to end up in the hospital because it's fucking torture being in there. They treat you differently if you are wearing that "green gown" as a patient.
​
Please let me know if anyone has information about mirtazapine. Google search about it doesn't really tell how many so I don't care what the after effect is and I know what happens. Also, telegram group link would be nice too. | 1 |
im watching my entire life change and it fucking hurts. | i dont usually post on here, much less shit like this but im so fucking sick of keeping it in
the catalyst was me leaving my ex in may. 2 weeks later i left the best job position ive had for a shitty one because someone made an off color joke. I should've stayed and fought for my right to be comfortable in that job. now im in a job im absolutely horrible at and being physically ill with sadness and grief and anxiety just makes me worse. I made the stupid fucking mistakes of not only trying to stay friends with said ex but also rebounded with someone too soon after. i was frustrated and pent up and hoping i could have more of a relationship with the guy i rebounded with but since i was scared and hurting i kept my distance and took things slow. we met up 2 whole times and then this guy decides its a good idea to tell me that his life was better during the period he and i werent speaking (because i was in a relationship). says that shit to me the day after i have the worst argument i had ever had with my ex. he knew, too. The situation with my ex is a whole other level of painful. we got in an argument sparked by something small and it got escalated way farther than it ever fucking needed to. i could tell that things were going to get bad and tried leave twice. TWICE. he stopped me both times. the second time was by getting on the hood of the fucking car. my stupid brainwashed ass listened to him when he said to go inside his apartment so we could have a conversation with his mom as the mediator. well, that conversation was him screaming at me blaming me for everything and berating me. i kept trying to tell him to let me go home and that i couldnt handle this shit right now and he kept cutting me off. finally i was like dude im fucking struggling right now and i was gonna tell him ive been thinking about suicide because i dont want to be here anymore but before i could finish anything
he said "everyone is struggling all the time, get the fuck over it."
this is a man i cared for for 3 years.
he lived with me for 3 years. we shared food. i paid his fucking rent. if not all, part of it. i took him to the doctor over and over while he ignored what he was told because he thought they were wrong for one reason or another, usually malpractice. i did everything for him short of wiping his ass. i took care of his cat \*so fucking much better than him\* that i got to keep him when i kicked his ass out.
anyways. i headed for the door, literally speechless for the first time in my fucking life. he screamed "YEA, LEAVE!" i just said fuck you without looking at him and left the apartment quickly. he came out behind me and when i heard him start walking towards me i just yelled "i swear to fuck if you follow me-" without turning around. he probably remembered at that moment that i carry pepper gel and chasing me a-fucking-gain might hurt this time, he stopped. i got in my car and went home. blocked him and his mom everywhere.
6 hours fucking later his mother shows up at my house because she doesnt know where he is. my dad told her "not our problem. he shows up here, hes getting sent away and we'll notify you we saw him."
2 hours after that a fucking cop calls me. hes been reported missing. when did we talk last, do i know where he could have gone, blah, blah. i told him what i could to help which honestly wasnt much because he didnt take his phone with him and i know fuckall about his friends. i didnt hear anything until like 24 hours after the fight even happened. he went home on his own in the middle of the night. he was less than half a mile from home the whole time. im baffled how he wasnt seen.
i shouldve gone no contact when i kicked him out. im so mad at myself for being blind to his abuse and manipulation for 7 years. he used me like everyone else. the fact that i keep getting used over and over makes me want to give up. im so fucking angry. im sad. im paranoid. i cant sleep and im struggling at work, im so tired all the time and i feel like i have the fucking flu every day. i want to all to stop already :( | 2 |
No more options | I'm lost for options and I have fell through the cracks.
I lost my job for standing up for underpaid employees, didnt mind that as I thorght fine I have integrity that's fine.
I'm skilled and professional, I'll find something else...
I havent, I'm either over qualified or just "pipped to the post" so no tangible feedback and after 43 Nos and a shit ton of bills to pay as a single person I am now out of options.
I'm UK based with an IVA so no loan options.
No money from Universal Credit, which would have been 600 for bills of 1200, I've ran out of options and time, this is due to taking shifts in a newsagents which provides some money, not enough to cover bills but too much for UC.(800)
I have nowhere to turn to, I've tried everywhere, charities, council, support groups nobody can help me, I genuinely feel like I've slipped through a crack and no support is available.
Homelessness with nothing, or silence from it all? | 2 |
i’m broken and i’m tired | i just don’t wanna fight anymore. i know i have privilege. i know people love me. but i don’t love me and i’m suffering. my ex broke up with me and i know i can find better but i’m just so tired of being hurt i just want to end it all. i don’t wanna keep fighting and growing. i’m so tired. i want to escape. | 3 |
I'm tired of dealing with my life I want to take it the problem is I'm still 16. | I've been depressed for a long time never remembered smiling or being happy since I was like what 5 years old, in case you wanna know I live with s crappy family they hate me only keeps me locked up in my room never letting me go out I've always noticed their distain and disgust for me I don't know why they hate me so much, they don't celebrate my birthdays I don't even know if they know I exist at this point they never acknowledge my existence they blame me for every single bad thing that happened in their life, well I was 10 years old when they said that I was actually a mistake I wasn't actually meant to be born and I'm not supposed to be living today cause by all means an angel must have been protecting me or smthng cause when I was born I was on the edge of death due to a tumor and by some miracle by surgery I lived in the subsequent years until I was 12 years old I've encountered several near death experiences the scars surround my body, and honestly I'm starting to hate myself and everything I do every single thing about me is just so boring.. I'm a introverted kid I don't have friends and a family as now they abandoned me my father's with another family my sisters and brother have left to make families of their own and my mother doesn't come home that often I don't have food here and I often go hungry not eating for several days luckily I have water, in case your asking why not ask the neighbours we don't have neighbours we live in a place about 3 miles away from the nearest resident I'm a sickly kid often get sick once or twice a week I have to take care of myself and by the rare chance my mom comes home I have to beg for food and some money for those who ask how I posted this well there's a cell tower near our area and I'm using a phone I got on a occasion given to me by a relative now (deceased) it's pretty lonely here I've never had any friends and the sunlight doesn't usually get here the only comfort I have is staring at my screen all day my rooms a dark place with a dimly lit light bulb I live in the basement if you may ask, yes I still go to school I usually try and get someone u know to pick me up and when I go to school I get made fun of I get bullied often being gossiped about people don't usually take a liking to me I don't show emotion I can't it will hurt I know it my life isn't worth living anymore nobody cares and nobody will miss me for the matter I still wanted to feel what love is it's all I ask but I'm tired of living like this and I guess I'll update you guys if I'm still well alive and well. | 5 |
So everyone thinks it for a while | Suicide gets romanticized. Every teenager goes through the faze. What happens when your a grown adult and it seems like a legitimate option? I live in New Jersey with my fiancé and her family. Been here about 7 years. All my family is down south. Mom passed away two years ago- the glue that held shit together. I’m with a girl I always thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. Been together 11 years. She came with me to visit my dying mother. At the time shit was good. We left and she died. And since my relationship has been in the shitter. My fiancé is all I have. My father and sisters banded together when my mom died. They all love and care about me but my partner has always caused shit with my family. I’ve gone through hell and back with my partner. We’ve both done things we shouldn’t have. But as I get older and more isolated up north I’m getting more hateful. I want to be around family but I’m trapped. In my mind it’s either things get better or I’m just gonna leave this realm. Too much to share but I’m in a spot. I’ve been in this spot for years but ending myself has recently become a real option. Easy option on my family and myself. I’m sure nobody will condone killing yourself. But personally I don’t have the balls to leave this relationship or situation. And I never built a life outside It so I’m sure it wouldn’t be a huge deal. I see my dad and sisters every couple years if I’m lucky. They want me to leave my partner and go home. But this has been my life for 7 years living together and 12 in a relationship. If I left and went back home I’m sure I’d be happy. But we split for a month or two when I was young and i spiraled from depression. This shit this embarrassing to put online. But I’m desperate and I can’t talk to my family. | 1 |
Pls talk to me | Awake at 3am had to call in to work I’m too embarrassed to show up. Having an anxiety attack I’m in so much pain someone help :/ | 15 |
Everyone's right !! I'm a big disappointed not to mention cursed !!! | I don't feel anything, that everything's coming to an end
This is the most relaxed feeling ever i got after 3 years. No more fake smiles, no more worrying, I'm even relaxed that i lost this. But i tried, tried my level best and beyond. Improved a lot, and still the big blackhole is keep deepening in my heart.
I'm not angry to my father for being so arrogant, abusive after drinking, seeing me as a disappointment, ghosting me for years while treating my sister like a princess(atleast he did that) , funny i can't even remember one incident in this whole 25yrs where i feel loved and safe by my dad.
I'm not angry to the bullies in my boarding school, who ends up making my nose broken and permanently funny, which made my dad even more disappointed in me. He don't know i escaped from him to the boarding school at the age of 10.
I'm totally not mad on my mom, she actually tried to motivate me, love me, but couldn't keep a safe home environment, but that's okay i guess. It's been a year I'm away from her, not talking but i believe she'll be safe and peaceful with her daughter.
I loved my sister too much, actually i lost my complete control over life when she started ghosting me in the home for 2 years, and all three of these people where in the house ghosting me during the whole COVID thing. It's okay, i already got experience on being alone from my boarding school.
I left home a year before, stayed in a room, worked a bit to pay rent, studied after 5 months i got job as an intern. After 4 months i got relieved from my work (it was a startup) now it's been 6 months without job, no contacts, no dreams nothing. It's gonna be a silence now.
Some takeaway from my life is, I'm a very bad, incompetent, disappointment though i always wish good for everyone else and was a good friend to whomever i met, i honestly don't know where it all went wrong.
I'm not apt for the human race, i shouldn't even born in the first place, I'm cursed. Just an unlucky kid in the third world country.
I'm really thankful to food that gave me temporary happiness , Coldplay whose songs and live concerts just extended my life for 1 year ( nothing can 'fix me' now ) football, liverpool my club, always motivated me, hardcore porn...but I'm really helpless that these temperory things ain't working anymore.
I'll ran out of money day after tommorow, i couldn't find a job, i tried so hard sending thousands of applications, emails attending interviews, even qualifying interviews but couldn't close it. Now after deciding I'm gonna end everything I'm not feeling anything, no tension, no fear, no happiness. It's like a freefall to the swimming pool, just letting it go. I really hope no one should go through the things that i did, I'm very sad that i failed in life.
I think all of the people who hurted me this badly have a point to do that and whoever helped me feel better where just sympathetic, anyway doesn't matter anything, people are dieing everyday, accidentally as well, and people are committing suicide everyday, this is my cue to leave | 2 |
There's no point in living past 22 | I'm 22 years old, male. I have been lonely and friendless my entire life. I never had sex, not once, and I do not know what a genuine healthy relationship looks like, romantic or otherwise. My parents are Bosnian Serb immigrants who refused to let me participate in society at every opportunity because they didn't want me to become "naturalized" and lose my Serbian identity.
Every time I wanted to invite a friend over who wasn't Serbian they'd come up with an excuse and tell them rudely to leave.
Whenever I wanted to sign up for a team or club they didn't let me because they didn't want to pay the fees associated with them or drive me to practices because it would eat up their free time. I remember crying to my swim coach in high school because I knew they'd never pay the $200 fee to join.
No one ever wanted to understand. Even when it was obvious that my parents were arguing and that dad was hitting mom, no one did anything. They just saw me as a broken toy, and no one wanted to play with me. They just ignored me and moved onto the friends that they had more to leech off of, and when I did have something going for me they'd just put me down even further to boost their own egos.
All I could do was look at all the other families around me and see how they loved each other and spent time with each other. I openly saw that I didn't know how to love or be loved, I didn't know what it felt like to have a real friend like me for who I was, and that I only knew how to study and work 24/7.
I feel like my life isn't my own, and that my parents are trying to take ownership of it themselves. I feel like I'll never be able to make up for 22 years of abuse.
I wasn't even supposed to be born. I'm only here because my mother lied about being on her period. My father never cared about me being born. He only continued staring at the computer screen when my mom mentioned me kicking in her tummy. While she was pregnant she received a phone call from some who're asking if my dad was going to fuck her or not.
And when I was 4 he beat her multiple times.
When I was 10 he was put on court for sexual harassment in his work place. He begged and cried at my mom to not leave him and she didn't. When I was 15 my dad beat her and almost smashed her skull open with a chair. He left for 6 months and came back when my mom let him for my sake of having a 2 parent household.
And these two constantly complain to me and use me as their emotional therapist. They use me like I'm their parent, and not the other way around. My mom's been doing it since I was 5.
And for years now I've been alone in my room working to get an electrical engineering degree, all alone, completely banking on my one dream to save me. But what's the fucking point? If society's been throwing me away like trash until now, why would people want to be friends with me now that they have work responsibilities, are getting married and starting families, and will have to soon deal with they're bodies physically deteriorating due to age. They won't. Women won't notice me when they can always get someone who's 10x richer and better looking than me.
Let's just face it, I haven't lived a single day as my own person. I might as well kill myself. I hate my life and humanity for being so cruel to me, and not giving me what most others are naturally given just for being themselves. I wish that I not only die painlessly and unconsciously, but for this entire human race to burn, or get killed in a labor/concentration camp.
Fuck my life, I have nothing to live for, I want to kill myself and make the human race extinct. | 6 |
I finally accepted I am the issue 28F, my 33M ex was correct, I am toxic, I am the issue. | I can finally leave the world in peace, knowing with all the trauma I had, it becomes each time worse, I feel like I will never heal in life, I have lived all these years knowing I tried hard, it never went away.
All I wanted in life was love, but instead got hate, all I wanted was to help people, knowing I could not I gave up, its too much for me. | 2 |
I want to die and i dont know why anymore | my life feels so emty and meaningless, its like i didnt even know i was alrady dead :(
i lost my will to do anything really, i dont even atempt ks anymore cose im to tired | 8 |
I just can’t | I’ve tried to kill myself and failed, tried to manifest my death- nothing has worked. I just feel so misunderstood and unappreciated by people around me, it has to end | 4 |
I wish I could, but I'm not brave enough | I was just abandoned by my long time partner, now facing divorce and life as a single dad. I want to be around for my son, and I will do my best, but lately I am not even sure if I can keep going. She'll move on and have a nice life and new family, and I wish her well, but I don't see how I will ever rebuild my life. The best I will likely be able to do is have a small run-down apartment if I am lucky, with a room for my son and I, and just to keep going with my dead-end job. Rather than struggling on existing for no real reason, only to be a pitiful story, as someone who was discarded - I think I'd rather not be here. I'm just not brave enough to end it. | 5 |
It’s gonna be tonight | Honestly I’m just fed up. I’m getting accused of a crime I didn’t commit I just got out of jail yesterday and the judge told me if I keep “harassing my old roomate I could get a felony that’s a minimum 10 years in prison. I can’t stop contacting him because I’m not the person doing it. I have court on Friday that nobody cares enough to take me to it’s 25 miles away. I have no job because I don’t live in a walking kind of city it would be 5 miles to the nearest job. My mental health is in shambles and I have no friends. I tell people I’m suicidal or I feel like this and that and they either fall back or just don’t care. I ran out of meds and I can’t afford more. My mom and my aunt would die for my sister but when it comes to me it’s like make him figure it out hisself. It will be tonight. I’m gonna find a bridge and jump off into traffic. I just want someone to know so I can pretend like there are people who care. I won’t tell anyone it’s not like they care. I just hope everyone here finds peace and happiness as those seem to allude me at every turn. Goodbye and hopefully this post keeps my legacy alive for even a few minutes that would be nice. | 1 |
I am suicidal because I have to either live as the most inferior or escape via suicide | I report content and users on social media platforms but the platforms never prevent the users and or content that I report from returning. I seek mental health help and suicidal thoughts help but I keep getting triggered both on social media and even away from social media. I know that some will just say get off of social media but I still have stress anyway. I don't get taken seriously and social media allowing offensive and false content even though it is clearly what it seems and even though I have reported it proves that I'm the most inferior person. I am most inferior because I have always lacked a full support system and because I can't avoid stress and manage stress like others can. I have to commit suicide or continue to live as the most inferior person who gets easily triggered by certain words or certain future events like doctor appointments for example. Also I get triggered by killer posts that feature killer cliches and privileged and rich and successful people confirming my death by forcing the fast stupid life to prevent ourselves from not living life to the fullest and bragging about having a hard path to success but they don't realize that people who are like me the most inferior will never be rich and will able to avoid and manage stress and will have live as most inferior or escape via suicide even if we work hard and smart. | 3 |
The thoughts never stop, even when I'm okay. | I don't know when the feelings will ever go away of suicidal ideation. When I was around 5-6, the constant partying in my environment was terrifying and while my parents partied my mother still managed to be somewhat religious. I knew religion was bullshit even then and it led me to realize I didn't even want to be alive. I was also SA around that time which certainly didn't help. I am now 30 and a mother which means the world to me, I am financially alright and have friends/family, but even on my best days those feelings lurk in the background. The slightest thing can feel so off-putting as I've only begun healing from childhood in the past year or two, so I'm hoping there is stil hope that it won't be so constant and haunting. I can be so happy, watching my amazing kids play outside on a sunny day and feel content in the moment only for a burning in the background basically telling me it won't last and I won't make it long-term. It isn't in words, but feelings. I don't hear, "this is fake and you know you only are a burden to everyone/theyd be better without you" but it's just a feeling. Not sure if any of you can relate to that? I am terrified this will always be my brain no matter what I've tried to rewire it. I won't give up yet, and I'll suffer if I have to until the kids are older but I want them to see me beat this and come out okay on the other side. They know I'm not happy a lot, but they also see me work really hard trying to do better by doing therapy, taking vitamins, eating healthy/drinking water, doing yoga, writing/drawing, taking walks etc. (when I can which I force myself to a few times a week when I'm not in a slump) &I always communicate with them age appropriately why I think I have my issues and what I'm currently doing to try and keep myself afloat. I remind them I'm also just a person and not only a mom and I had a bad childhood so to the best of their abilities they can somewhat understand. I hate that they have to have me as a mom but I had my son at 17 and my daughter at 24, and didn't truly understand how complex my issues were/that they would last so long. I just feel guilty I brought them into this mess, not that I'd ever not want them. They're my world but I do feel immense guilt. I'm trying so hard but I'm terrified it'll still get me in the end. I also lost my father not even 5yrs ago from addiction complications and I dont speak to my addict mother for 2+ yrs now. Somedays it's just all so painful I feel I will disintegrate into nothing or just float out of my body. I needed to vent this morning and get this out of my head. It just ruminates more days than not, through-out my days. Thanks for reading if anyone does I guess.
Addendum: My diagnosis is CPTSD w/panic disorder, Inattentive ADHD w traits of high-functioning autism, but also OCD so symptoms overlap a lot between my disorders, anorexia (comes and goes), and PMDD flare-ups which is a severe hormonal issue I've recently learned about at women's health, increasing my symptoms during the luteal phase of my period which apparently is more common for women w ADHD. So at least I'm learning that a week like this week I'll have worse distorted thinking and dysmorphia. It doesn't really make it much easier yet as I've just figured that one out. | 6 |
I miss my friends too much… | So I had a sort of vacation with my friends, which was pretty much the 4 of us together for 3 days. Those 3 days were literally the best days of my entire life. Then I just couldn’t believe it was over. We all got home, I went to play LoL with one of them, it was pretty fun (mostly). Then they soon left, and I was all alone. I got bored of the game, and then it all came. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Then out of nowhere, I burst out crying. I cried for a few minutes, then grabbed a knife, and started rapidly cutting my arm. My adrenaline ran out and I cried more. I just couldn’t imagine another day without them. Then i went back to cutting. I cut my legs, i carved “kill me” into my hand, and I even attempted to kill myself, trying to cut the side of my neck. Now I’m sitting here, my whole body is burning and shaking, I’m looking for advice, or anything that keeps me going.. | 2 |
I am only getting worse and I'm thinking about suicide more and more | I don't think anyone will be reading this because this is long and probably boring but I need someone to listen to me, I will probably delete this later on because I get embarassed but... whatever. I don't even know here to start. I became deeply depressed once teeange years started. I have always been an atypical boy during childhood, I always felt different, especially from other boys because I am hypersesntive, I couldn't connect with a lot of people, I was often alone and I felt more mature, emotionally intelligent than my peers... I never felt truly like a child, I was too aware of everything you know. I was also effeminated, I had maneurisms and everything, I was theatrical. I got bullied and picked on by other boys for being that way, during my whole childhood and early teenage years.
Once teenage years hit, I truly understood how much I was different from other men, how much I was different from humans in general, honestly. I always felt out of place, wherever I was. I always felt alone, to this day I still do! It doesn't matter who I'm talking to, I never feel a connection with others. I always prefered to be alone for that reason. I don't even feel human, I often wish I could have not been born, I don't think I was meant for this world, truly. Anyways, I "discovered" I was gay, or so I thought, when teenage years hit. It explained things I guess... But I was always ashamed of this thing and the fact that I am simply not masculine in my nature. I always tried to hide how I was, how I acted, everything. I hate(d) everything about me. I escaped the hard reality with video games as soon as I can remember, as soon as 6/7 years old I believe. I played day long for so many years, it kept me away from reality and I am glad I could do this because I think I would have killed myself long time ago otherwise, it kept me from a lot of hard realisations that my teenage self couldn't have gone through.
As soon as I discovered my sexuality, I was not the same anymore, I thought I couldn't be a man because of that and the fact I was effeminate, I thought I was supposed to have been born as a woman because these behaviors weren't normal. I have held those beliefs for... so long and I still do. I was suddently seeing every feminine aspects of myself and tried to suppress them because I couldn't be like that, I just could not. I thought my light hair color was too feminine, I thought my hips, thights and butt were womanly, I thought I was acting "gay" and had to stop it. I wanted to look like other boys because I felt so different... I tried to change my sexuality when I couldn't be "gay", so I tried to jerk off to women a lot of time, I really tried, but that never work, obviously, so I just repressed all that. But I hated myself for that, I masturbated in private to men but it was my little dirty secret if you know what I mean. Anyways, I have always felt disconnected from sexuality at the end of the day. In the last few years, I started to think that I might be asexual even... I think that I just wanted to be like, not that I was really thinking I could be like this. I kinda created a persona, an alter ego of a person that isn't me over the years and that made me so so so depressed and anxious. I was cold, distant, hated my natural self, I just tried to be different at all cost, I couldn't show my feminity, my sexuality, my atypicality.
But, now, what really deteriorated my mental health so suddenly is an event that happend a year ago, almost. I was feeling extremely anxious during the last few days and I was scrolling through Tik Tok, looking at videos endlessly, trying to escape my reality once again. Then, I saw a Tik Tok showing a beautiful women and a thought appeared asking me if I was a woman, if I wanted to be a woman. I tried really hard to stop thinking about it but I just couldn't, the next hours were the worst I have never experienced, I was in a deep distress, I had so many anxiety attacks and had intrusive thoughts about castration, self harming, things like that. I really wanted to kill myself but I just can't do that at the end of the day. My brain couldn't shut up, I couldn't stop questionning myself if I was a woman. I hopped on Google and did so many reasearchs, because I couldn't understand why this thought appeared. I never asked myself that, it was so sudden and distressing. I rapidly pinpointed that there was something called "Trans OCD", an OCD theme that led someone to obssess over their gender identity. I just decided to start seeing a therapist. I saw her for 8 months I believe. She did not really helped me but I grew up so much during that time because I started journaling and everything. So much things happened, but at least, she made me realise I had difficulty being just myself, which I thought was not the case, but it definitely is. I tried different antidepressants and the thoughts decreased over time.
However, as I said, that therapist did not really helped me. I had so many realisations this year, I am unpacking the trauma and it is very hard but necessary. So I decided to stop seeing her for a new one, more suited for me I believe. I also decided to switch antidepressant for another one because my preivous one made me feel like a damn robot, I felt nothing at all. As soon as I stopped taking the previous med, the thoughts came back (this is like 2 weeks ago). It was really bad this time, as bad as the first time, violent thoughts like castration, I am sometimes scared to pick scissors or knives because I get the "urge" to do something that I would regret. Of course I started a new antidepressant, apparently suited for OCD, but it just isn't working enough yet, it only has been 2 weeks and I am only at the smallest dose yet. So I am suffering a lot. But this time it feels different. I feel like I am might be truly trans after all. I am so unhappy with myself... I hate myself, I don't want to live as a man like I am, I am too ashamed of being who I am. I just know I do have a problem with my gender, my expression, I have adopted a fake persona for so long but I just can't accept that I like feminity and that I am not masculine. I hate being masculine. I tried to be muscled, to be manly, but I am NOT like that. I am artistic, sensitive, I want to try a more feminine expression, but I am deathly scared and ashamed of that.
I have always thought there is only one way to be a man or a woman. As I said, I always thought I should have been born as a woman because of the way that I am... not really from a desire to be a woman, but because... I can't be a man like that. I don't like being seen as a "man", I want to be seen as who I am, I don't want people to think that I am a masculine man, I want people to see me and knows that I am different, but I can't do that, this is embarassing. My situation is rather complex... I still believe this is an OCD, but there is a true gender crisis that I have always repressed. But the OCD is very strong and I don't know anymore if I am a man... I just keep questionning myself about a lot of things, like my body parts (genitalia mainly), I have a deep discomfort with myself, I don't like the way I look anymore... I just don't know if I have gender dysphoria finally. Maybe it's just that, maybe it's not OCD. I have talked about what I am living to, obivously my therapist and my doctor and both seems to think it is obssessive thoughts. But what make my situation complex is that... I am not a manly man. I don't know anymore what I am. I just know I am not content with the persona I have created for so long and it makes me feel so stuck in my life. But I don't know what I want to look like, if I want to be a man or a woman, I don't fucking know anything anymore and I just keep thinking about killing myself because... I don't seen any issues. Of course my therapist has to be on vacation right now... while I'm at my worst. I'm just so tired of this doubt, this questionning about who I am that makes me feel like I'm stuck. I can't got out anymore because I don't want people to see me. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel disconnected from who I am. I just feel like all of what I'm going through right now could be gender dysphoria and I don't know if this is OCD... I'm just completely stuck. Can OCD really make me feel suddently uncomfortable with my appearance ? I don't know. Maybe. But this could be that I'm trans... or not. IDK.
There is so much I didn't say... there is so much I want to say but I'm going to stop there, it's enough, it's already too long. I hope someone is going to read this... I just feel so alone. Thanks. | 2 |
How do I approach my partner about made plans? | I don't want to hurt them but I've made up my mind. I know it'll be cruel to them but it's also cruel to ask me to live another several decades in failing health and poverty and I'll just drag them down with me to the streets anyways because I can't work and that's all that keeps u off the streets. We're long distance and though it's been years they'll be better off, literally, This isn't the depression speaking. It's just cruel and inhumane to force me to be alive if im gonna be in poverty and stressed so bad my hair falls out and my skin peels off. | 1 |
Why me... | null | 1 |
i wanna die | i’ve always knew i would do this someday it could be today but idk | 2 |
Feeling suicidal, but don't want to hurt my family | Dear fellow Reddit members,
I hope this post finds you well.
I post this in order to hear some advice on how to better deal with the situation I've been going for a long time now.
For the past 5 years, life has been quite tough, with a lot of work, studies, realtionships falling apart. I work hard, I workout, I have some friends. but the feeling of lost hope and meaninglessness keeps on growing. I think it stems from the fact that I expected life to sometimes show up some reward for your efforts in conducting a decent life.
I feel some meaninglessness because I think I did not manage to make the best career choices, have had a hard time finding a partner, and feel that many things I do everyday are just struggle.
I have contemplated suicide, but since started taking Zoloft 100 mg, these feelings have come under control. Sometimes I still think about it, I even searched the most safe/guaranteed methods, but one thing I can get over is the pain I would leave beind.
My parents and brother invested so much of their time and love to help me, that I feel sad and shame to even consider this, specially since I do not have it so bad as many people. But I just feel this inside me, and it knocks on my head a lot of times. Also, has a catholic, I wish I was able to cope with this better, but as I say, life seems like a desert at this point.
I feel that I won't be able to make it in the long run. The pressure and workload are overwhelming, the sadness and emptyness as well. If I eventually end my life, would there be any way to do it that would not cause immense pain to my relatives? | 2 |
i keep thinking of ending it all | the person who spent the most time with me just left and now im left more lonely. Sometimes i feel this gaping hole, a void growing within me and its unsettling. It feels like my chest is hollow and there is this intense distress that comes with it. I dont want to deal with it anymore. I feel emotions so intensely and its tiring. I want to numb it fast and i used to using self harm but i cant anymore because i promised not to. There is no other way left other than just ending it all. Sometimes i scream and sometimes ill cry but none of that works and just leaves me more miserable. I feel more alone and dizzy. When it gets dark i realize that i have to wake up and go through all this again. I dont want to wake up with nothing to look forward to and i dont want to live a life where i just feel empty all the time. I have nothing to look forward, no one i want to talk to and there's really no reason for me to live. i live for the sake of it, because im afraid of dying, and because im scared of what everyone else will think of me. I have the means to die, i have enough pills that might put me in a critical condition but i dont if i should do this. Everyone told me it will get better and i know it will but i cant bear to live without this person in my life. they were everything to me, they were the only person i could understand and relate to. Someone who brought me alive when i talked to them. And now i lost them and myself. I cant remember myself anymore, my face, my hobbies, my friends and my life. There is no point in living if it is like this. I wish i could go back and live those days in a loop. Do all the things i wanted to with them and just end it. But i cant and now im left contemplating an empty suicide. | 5 |
Got fired from 2 jobs and walked out of the other two so far this year so why shouldn't I do it? | Told myself I'd try my best to find stable income from a job long enough to save up for a car by next summer but I keep fucking up and I feel myself slipping again back into my old ways all I can think of is pulling the trigger I even walked to the park the other night to do it but couldn't I'm tired I just wanna sleep and escape this nightmare but part of me still has this sense of hope that I can achieve my goals I feel stuck I don't know what to do | 1 |
I'm tired | The soul that I barely believe in the existence of is dying. I hugged both my parents yesterday and felt complete and utter disconnection. We're strangers to each other now, I look at them and see the children they once were. I hugged them and I felt nothing, if I felt anything it was unease. At this point I'm just waiting for that final crack, once I disconnect myself from my younger siblings suffering in the house with them, I'm gone. I won't worry about my little sister feeling abandoned because it's not me running from her, I'm not a hero. I convinced myself for years that I was supposed to be their savior but how can I be that for them when I can't even save myself? I've worked so hard to get where I am, barely getting by, I should've died the first time so I wouldn't have the time to regret it now. I want to die, I want to be gone, I need it. Yet there's something inside that I can't quite wrap my head around, maybe it's the fear of dying alone like my nan did in a house fire. I almost feel like I just want to get close to the end and then recover but the ugly truth is I know how it would actually end. I'd be bleeding out and feel it coming and instead of getting help, I'd close my eyes, I imagine it as a final comfort, terrifying up until the very end but then quiet. I just want to let go. But there's that annoying other in my head that I want to choke out and squash and spit on for making this decision a fucking court case me vs me. The jury wants to let go, I want to let go. The judge has already condemned me but that fucking victim, that kid standing there in the middle of the room says no. And nothing more. No explanation, It's just delaying the inevitable. | 2 |
This will be my last day on Earth, God willing | I have been suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts my entire life. I am at my first job at this moment, but I texted my boss at my other job after this and told him that I can't make it in today and I'll come in on Friday instead. Hopefully I will be dead by then.
I have no friends, no family who will help me. My psychiatrist ignores my pleas for stronger/different medication and I think it's because he doesn't think I'm serious, doesn't think I'll really do it. I've had therapists my entire adult life, but they're only some help sometimes. I have constant financial problems because I've never had a real job, and I don't know how to live in this world at this point. I've suffered with substance abuse issues that have put me in the hospital, I have been raped and sexually abused since childhood. I just want my suffering to end.
I am worried about my boyfriend because I know that he loves me and he might not ever recover from my death, but I just want him to know that this is what's best for me, and that I will never stop loving him even after I'm gone. I want to be near him in my last days, but he's across the country and I will not be able to see him until late August, and which point I will have probably taken my own life.
I have this romantic idea of wearing my heaviest shoes, filling my pockets with weights, and walking into the ocean like Virginia Woolf since I live on the coast and the ocean is the only place I feel safe and at peace. What's more likely, though, is that I'll hang myself when I get home from work in a couple hours (I only work part time). I am sorry to everyone I have hurt and I hope that you will forgive me. | 3 |
No one these days cares about us | We're all seen as a lost cause, all this 'mental health awareness' shit and as soon as they come across someone that's suicidal they don't care. Thes helplines everyone tells us to talk to just read from a fucking script as if it's going to magically cure all our problems, 'reach out for help' everyone says until they've been through the same situation - then they would know how fucked up it actually is. We're all just looked down upon as disposable, no one cares about us - I should just kill myself now, got a bunch of paracetamol on me | 81 |
Is it ever possible to be entirely happy in life? | I believe happiness is very temporary in life. Only the sadness sticks with us forever. We just get used to living with all the stress and sadness. No matter how much money we have. No matter how much people care about us there will always be negative energy related to them.
For example, you have a lot of money? the more you have the more stress of managing it. You have a lot of people who cares about you? Guess what they will leave this world one day and that adds more to the sadness.
My point is the amount of happiness we get from life can never compete with the amount of sadness we endure. | 1 |
My life is falling apart | My life is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with loneliness v and transphobia with my parents. I just lost my job due to my own stupid decision and my best friend has abandoned me. I can't afford therapy and I'm running out of options. I'm spiraling out of control and I don't see any end in sight. I don't think I'll make it to my next birthday. | 2 |
I’m not sure if I attempted | Hello everyone. On Monday I had a psychiatrist appointment which brought up a lot of my problems and I could feel a suicidal episode coming on. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I ran out of the room. Out of nowhere there was so many people around me. I somehow managed to exit the building and ran in front of an oncoming car. I’m not sure if I had the intention of killing myself but in that moment I’m scared that I did. And that’s the closest I have ever gotten to it. I’ve thought about it so many times and self harmed etc. but this was different. I had to escape. I couldn’t take it any more. I think I might have attempted suicide and I don’t know how to process it. It’s all a big blur and I’m just looking for some support from people who have been through the same thing? I really don’t want to trigger anyone or give anyone any ideas. I just need some help from people who might understand
Thank you for reading x | 4 |
Mother. | I am a 15 year old trans boy. Ive wanted to kill myself since i was 10. And you know whos fault it is? My mom. Sometimes she was there, sure. But she was never there when she was the problem. She always, ALWAYS had to be right.
"You said im the reason you started drinking again." Apparently it was 'taken out of context.'
"You said you didnt want to come back and be a mom because of me." Argument 1. She never said that. Argument 2? Youll never guess. Apparently it was taken out of context.
All the things. Mocking my screaming sobs at the age of 11. Reminding me constantly of how selfish i am.
I was a KID. Just a kid.
So was my brother. Remember when you and dad cancelled his birthday when he was 7 because he wasnt behaving? No? Well i do. Im sure you'll just say that never happened, wont you? I wont even bother bringing it up.
But you'll never believe me. Because i cant remember things well now, i obviously cant remember what happened when i was younger. Thats what youd say.
You always have to get the last word. You always have to be the victim. You told me ive been traumatizing and abusing you for years. You know how they say, "when people say bad things about you, theyre actually talking about themself"? Yeah. Thats you.
I know you had a fucked up childhood. But that does NOT mean that you get to give me one too, and say its not as bad as yours so i have no room to talk.
So, disrespectfully,
Fuck you. You ruined me. Sure, dad did too. But this is about you, like how youve always wanted it to be. | 1 |
goodbye world! | this was a nice place to live) | 2 |
My friend left after I opened up to her | Im a 16 year old guy, and I opened up to one of my close friends about how I've gotten better with Suicide and my mental health, I opened up about my past where I had depression, ED, and still currently suffer from anxiety, and minor depression. When I told her she told me I was faking it and got really mad, and she muted Mr online and cussed me out, and I really just don't know what to do. | 39 |
Rewinding time | I wish I could rewind my life back to February of this year. Or even a little earlier actually. None of this would have happened. I wouldn't be in this predicament. I want to find something in this house I can overdose on. Maybe down several bottles at the same time. I feel constant guilt, pain and anxiety 24/7. It doesn't go away. This is truly horrific. And the worst part is that this isn't me as a person. All I want to do is chain-smoke cigarettes and lay down on a bed. I can't do this. I won't do this. I need to give up. I need to give up. | 1 |
I’ve never screamed and cried so hard | I’m a 30 year old man with a wife and three beautiful children. Recently about 3 weeks ago my wife told me she’s not in love with me anymore and doesn’t see me attractive.
I took this to heart and hit the gym and eating better and going into a calorie deficit.
But this morning on my way back from the gym I pulled over on the side of the road and started screaming and yelling as loud as I could. I cried like a child. I beat the hell out of my steering wheel. All these emotions I’ve never had to face before are being thrown at me.
I want my kids to be happy. I want my wife to be happy. I no longer care if I’m happy. I need my marriage to work for the kids and me. I can’t have us apart. I’m losing it. I’ve always had a level head, but I feel so lost. I feel like I’m in a dark hole trying to claw my way out to no end. | 307 |
There's nothing left I can hope for, not iran, not the world | hey, I'm from Iran, where I have to watch everyone suffer everyday, I'm at risk of getting arrested and killed any moment and the stress of that is getting overwhelming, people say "consider getting outa there" but I can't cause of how broke we all are now and it won't solve my problem either, every where I look I see bad things happening, I see people suffering, and the people who are not suffering just ignore them just like they ignored us
and I've always been bullied and mocked by everyone, all of my friends turned on me both irl and online, even my girlfriend wouldn't wanna be with me, she dumped me after I told her I can't spend much time talking to her cause I have to take care my sick mom, she went ahead and called me an "Iranian terrorist", all i fucking did was trying to help her cause she had a hard life and that's what I got out of it, it all makes me feel like a total failure
I've had two suicide attempts in the past year, one cause my country men were getting killed by the government and couldn't take the stress, and one cause my country men whom I tried to do my best to help in the past six months all turned on me and bullied me cause I'm an LGBT+ ally, they all forgot all the work I did for them, all the time we spent, some animals are more loyal than human "friends"
there are cuts all over my hands cause I had a panic attack and punched the bathroom mirror
I been suffering for the most part of the last 4 years, I keep having breakdowns, I beat people, I scream at everyone and can't stop it, and been having nightmares most nights, I did all the things therapists told me to do, I take pills everyday and nothing seems to fucking help
the only reason I'm alive is cause my family would rather see me suffer everyday than to watch me die | 5 |
Okay tonight is the night | Well I gave myself some days to think about all of this
I even made a post to see if some of you guys could convince me, if I forgot something
But I apparently no
So well that’s it
In 2 hours it will be midnight at my place, and that will be the perfect time to end everything
I suffered too much, so I’ll try to have the fastest death possible, I’m not stupid
Well see you all in hell guys | 1 |
Im losing control again. Im scared that I’m going to hurt myself going manic. Talk to me please | Someone help calm me down please I’m hurting and I’m not thinking clearly. I don’t want ti go back to the hospital so please don’t suggest that. | 5 |
Im going to hang myself at the airport | I have no one, nobody left to turn too. Im homeless, mentally broken, I've been abandoned by every single person. My family rejects me because I was never their biological child to begin with, everyone else just sees me as some fucked up, overly emotional person. I feel everything, so much, and people tell me to stop feeling everything so deeply and it makes me angry because i fucking can't. They tell me keep staying alive, keep living for more heartbreak, for more loneliness, with the knowledge that the only people who ever could've loved you are dead and gone. I just wanted one person to love me, to see my heart, to appreciate how much I care. I only ever wanted one person. I just wish one person would care and not abandon me after saying they wouldn't. EVERYBODY ABANDONS ME EVERYBODY BETRAYS ME IM SICK SICK SICK SICK OF IT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE ME DYING DOESNT MEAN A FUCKING THING WHEN IT AFFECTS NO ONE IM TYPING ALL THIS SHIT OUT TO NO ONE IM SITTING ALONE ALL ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE LIVING LIKE THIS EVERYDAY ALL ALONE I CANT TAKE IT | 79 |
Losing the battle | I lost the battle to these thoughts about a month ago I'd say, and now I'm just getting things out the way and provoking myself into further pain so I have motivation to overcome my fear of death. But in the meantime, how do you cope with the fact that you "lost"? How do you cope with the fact that if only things had been different in a couple places you would be able to live happily? | 1 |
i feel like the more you think about it life seems more and more useless | null | 2 |
I feel like no matter what I do, I'm never doing good enough | Title.
I've entered a full time career. I'm working on battling my addictions; haven't drank or smoked in nearly a week. That's so pathetic to type because that should be the baseline. I'm trying to learn to deal with the reality that my mother is dying. I'm trying to keep myself active and social. I'm trying. I swear I'm trying.
And I feel so bad... because I'm never happy. I'm trying my best. I swear... | 3 |
Virtue Signaling | I'm just tired of hearing people say, you need help.... yes I do.... and I'm looking desperately for it are you willing to give it.. no... your just kicking when I'm down.... unless your willing to be there for me.... stfu, you telling me how much of a mess I am is just turning the screws | 9 |
Which is worst? Never finding a loved one or finding one dead? | null | 1 |
I want to die everyday. I need mental help. I'm scared one day I'll go through with it. | I've been having this trouble for too long. I don't feel like life will get any easier. I feel like I'm just a waste of space. My life is a endless cycle of disaster. I'm tired and try so hard, but it's never good enough for anything or anyone. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. That's my dream. I feel so stuck here. I'm losing more now than ever. I just want the pain to stop now. | 2 |
Im so tired | null | 1 |
i plan to commit after i see my ldr boyfriend next | i love him so much and i dont want to leave him this way but i am just so done with everything. a month or so ago i was wanting to go and stay with him for the holidays so he could see me for the last time but things didnt work out and i had to scrap my plan. im likely going to see him in september for our anniversary, and i still have the same plan. | 3 |
Im so depressed i just have to laugh | its just all so stupid to me. maybe if i order takeout i wont want to kill myself anymore (for today at least) and thats just so funny to me. That im seriously thinking of killing myself currently except for the fact that i want some mcdonalds hahahaha | 5 |
If I don't see the meaning to stay here and continue to suffer, I'm leaving by 18th... | null | 0 |
Time is dragging on | I made a post before hand saying I was going to kms in September. I’m still going to do that, but I feel like I’m wasting good time now. I haven’t slept in like three months now, I am so delirious. I feel like the few friends I have really hate me and don’t enjoy speaking to me, and I dont want to keep living if I don’t have any friends whatsoever, I’ve done that before and tried to kms. Waiting to kms feels a bit silly but it’s whatever, maybe I’ll change my mind in September. | 2 |
(Not in immediate danger) I think I am ready to give up. | I am not an immediate danger to myself.
I am not a danger in any way to others.
I will slowly acquire the necessary material and build the equipment I need to kill myself painlessly in the next 4-5 months.
I am unable to accept life as it is. I can't deal with pain. I can't make the right decisions even when I know it's going to be better for me.
I believe the world is fundamentally a horrible place. There is no doubt that we are alive in the absolute best time to be alive in the history of humanity. Yet the amount of suffering and pain has only increased with the advent of industrial animal farming. We can't ignore this. I can not coexist with this suffering. The world is messy and fuzzy. I do not believe in the existence of an absolute morality. The only morality I have is that we must do our best to minimize the total suffering in this world. I am an antinatalist; I am angry at my parents because they brought me to this world without my consent. I try not to show them that, because I don't believe that they would have created me if they were exposed to the ideas that I was exposed on the internet. It is very likely that I would also make kids if I was unable to access all the philosophy stuff that I read online. Yet, I still get angry at them from time to time.
I have a painful condition. It's not a serious condition, and it's probably not even that painful for other people who have this condition. But I am very scared of pain, and going through all the flare ups caused by this condition only reinforced this aversion. I can't handle pain. I can't handle uncomfortable situations in general.
I failed college. My family spent a lot of money for me to get a good education. I can't tell them the truth because I am ashamed of myself. If I were to tell them the truth then I would feel even more ashamed, because even if they didn't say anything, I would know that they think I am lazy and weak. I am lazy and weak, I know that. I don't want others to know.
I don't want anything. I am transgender. I used to be really passionate about some technical topics, which was also what I was hoping to get my degree in. I made my parents buy me a whole lot of technical tools and materials. If the old me had the tools and the materials I have, he would think that he died and went to heaven. Now they all just sit there collecting dust. I also don't see the point in transitioning. I have no desires. I don't want friends. I don't like playing video games. Everything feels unreal. Everything feels fake. I feel like I am living in some kind of dream. The world lacks the substance that gives it emotional depth. My emotions feel fake. The world feels abnormal and alien. I look in the mirror and I can't recognize myself. Nothing makes any sense. It's all just bizarre and weird.
I am not particularly talented. I used to be curious and I guess that's why I did fine in school. Nowadays even the stuff that I used to be passionate about feels hollow.
I don't make the right decisions even when I know they are the right decisions and they are better for me. In a way, I choose to suffer. It doesn't make any sense, I have no idea why I make the wrong choices.
I try and brush my teeth. I tried to make it into a habit more than 200 times. It never works. Everything I try to build eventually collapses. Everything breaks apart. I break apart. I can't put the pieces back together.
I can't stop thinking about the times that I hurt other people. Even now I am hurting my family by lying to them. I know that telling them the truth would actually be better for me, but I can't prioritize long term and more significant rewards over short term fixes.
I tried therapy several times. I am seeing a therapist right now as well. I have tried all kinds of different antidepressants. I am currently on two antidepressants. They aren't working.
I choose my own suffering. I don't know how not to choose it. It's obvious that I can't just not choose to suffer, because I would have done it by now.
I believe I was raised as a sheltered kid. I am spoiled and lazy. I have no willpower. I have proven these to myself time and time again. I don't understand why my therapist can't see this. I mean I guess she would be bad at her job if she did agree with me but yeah. I am just a lazy pig. I really am a terrible person. I am hurting my parents by lying to them. I am betraying their trust. I have betrayed them before.
This is also why I can not be in a relationship with other people. I get envious easily. I get angry easily and for all the wrong reasons. I am selfish and can't think of others before myself. I can't make sacrifices, not for others and not even for myself. I know I would be a terrible partner. I should not be loved. I act and think like a spoiled baby.
I don't see any reason to prolong my suffering. I talk about this stuff, and more, with my therapist. I have another session coming next week. I will give it one more shot. I don't expect anything from it, because therapy takes a long time and nobody can solve all these problems in one session. But, I am done. This is it. I see no reason to keep going when all that it brings to me and to the people is more suffering.
I will slowly acquire the necessary equipment I need to kill myself painlessly. I know enough about the technical topics that I used to be passionate about to be able to design something that can kill me with minimal suffering. It's going to take a while but I don't think I have any reason to keep living. There is no hope. | 1 |
Ever feel suddenly suicidal? | I read the news about a Hair Salon in Michigan denying service the Transgender people and that made instantly suicidal, I already Hate myself enough for being trans but having that hate and contempt possibly to be expressed to me and people like me for simply talking to them, looking at them at the eyes, or just wanting their business makes me want to kill myself.
I already feel like I’m probably going to be raped when I’m older if I so much as dare express my queerness in public, I don’t think I’ll even live to be 30, I’ll probably just get punished for being transgender and just die so who cares really. | 0 |
Poverty and death | Unpopular opinion: death is better than poverty
Why keep going on? Why try at all. Nothing gets better. Mostly rich people say that suicide is so wrong to commit, why? Because you want the poor to continue suffering to make you more money? Fuck society, I can't wait till it's all over. | 28 |
My girlfriend has a plan to kill herself | She recently told me and I'm freaking out. She's 15, I'm 16, her parents aren't understanding of her problems and if I tell her parents then she'll hate me. I have no idea what to do so I'm being completely honest here. I'm aware she has depression, her parents don't let her take medication, she doesn't like talking to people about it, and she said she's tried everything. Can someone please help please | 1 |
I wnat to die | Im alone agai n drunk nobody cares at all i wish i was abortd i want to hang nyself
I WANT TO HNAG MYSELF I WANTT O DIE | 1 |
I wish there was an easier way out | I want to die but I want it to be quick and painless. I wish I could just go to the doctor and have them put me to sleep permanently. The only other way is to get a gun, but I would need a permit and a gun is expensive. I can't even afford my own suicide | 93 |
No one understands that my life is over | 23f. Ugly. No friends. Never had a partner. Have no direction in my life. Im alone constantly, I have no one to hang out with or talk to. No man or woman will look my way.
I'm past the age where it's acceptable to have no relationship experince. I lost my virginity last year and that the most I've done. No one will want an ugly, inexperienced loser for a girlfriend. Finding a girl to date is next to impossible, finding a man is like competing with every girl that are much prettier than me.
My life is over. Nothing will change. Do people really expect me to have friends or get into a relationship? Not to mention, if I get into a same sex relationship I'll basically be hated and disowned by my whole family. I dont matter. I'm always the last choice. My life is DONE. There is no going up from here. Just loneliness and misery.
I wish assisted suicide was an option. I'm too pussy to kill myself. But I eventually will once I get more courage. I'm trying to be happy being completely alone, and in some ways I am. But its not the same as being *completely* alone. | 2 |
Someone talk to me, I think I'm going insane. | I'm sick, psychically and mentally. I'm anemic. I'm having heart issues. I'm withdrawing from substance use. my boyfriend is in the hospital. I can't deal with all this. I can't stop thinking about just ending everything. it's such a easy solution. I have no happy days. no rest days. I wake up and suffer every day, either from sickness, from my bpd or my shitty living condition. idk why I'm even positing this. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I'm seeing things on the corners of my eyes. I'm done. I can't take this anymore. if someone could help me.. just talk to Me.. I feel crazy rn | 9 |
I’m really seeing no other options right now | Aside from trying to take a completely apathetic approach to life. But I keep thinking about ways to do it with the stuff that I have, how painful it would be, would it work, etc etc. I don’t know any other way to end the pain and I really really really don’t want to fucking be here and deal with this feeling anymore. I’m a sad worthless person and always will be. I just want to be dead and done with feelings. | 12 |
Is suicide ok if you cant pay your bills and will be homeless soon? | My last post was disabled I don't know why I just need to know if it's ok. | 4 |
Whoops | I have moved from thinking that people will be so shocked and sad and be like, "But he always seemed so normal, I never saw this coming" to thinking they'll be like, "Oh yeah I've seen it coming for years." Kind of a funny realization, kind of sad to think that everyone always knew. | 1 |
I wanna end it all | No one will ever love me. I won’t ever be good enough so why do I keep trying. I’m an ugly worthless piece of shit. I’ve never even had a boyfriend and I’m mentally ill. I’m also infertile and I can never have a child even though I’ve always wanted a baby. | 11 |
Is there any hope for me? | I am a 15 year old boy.I was always bullied also never really had friends.Like there were some people liking me but I was you know,the last option.Even now it's the same.People usually don't care about me,also they litterally enjoy my pain.I have really low social iq but decent technical iq.I love coding/cracking stuff.I don't even beleive in god. If there was one,he wouldn't make good people weak and evcil people strong.Is there any way for me to not suffer?I will also go to pyschiatry for probably being bipolar. Thanks. | 3 |
I seriously didn't want it to come to this. I'm better off dead. | Made an account just for this. I can't believe I'm writing this. I want to kill myself. I don't want to be alive anymore. Either I kill myself right here and now, or I live a life of pure misery and agony. I don't know how many of you will read this, but consider this my suicide note of sorts. Some people get a terrible hand, while mine is probably one of the worst imaginable. I know you cannot help me in any way, I just felt like I needed to vent. No one understands me except for my closest friend. When I kill myself, everyone's gonna be crying their eyes out, not even knowing why I did it.
17M, 165cm (5'5) tall, and horrendously ugly, my entire life has been miserable. Constant ridicule and disrespect since middle school until now. I've been called every name in the book. I live in the Balkans. Balkan kids can go fuck themselves. All my life, I've been taught to be helpful, kind, and considerate. At school, I've always been timid and shy, which made me a bigger target. People make jokes at my expense and talk behind my back. My dad is a heavy alcoholic and cannot control himself. Does not beat me but does stupid shit all the time. One time he accidentally broke my laptop by collapsing onto it while drunk. We almost didn't have enough to cover the costs because we are below-middle class. I have breathing problems and an allergy to smoke, particularly cigarette smoke. Despite this, my mom doesn't care and continues to smoke in my presence, which causes me to cough and gasp for air hysterically. When this happens, she doesn't give a shit and simply stares at my misfortune. A few months ago, I choked like this severely while drinking water, and I almost passed out, she didn't even bother leaving her seat to fucking come and help me, she just stared at me like an animal. When I was younger, she kept traumatizing me and emotionally abusing me. Her anger is more controlled now after finding the appropriate medication, but she denies ever abusing me or anything like that.
"Reaching out" doesn't fucking work. No one fucking gives a shit. I kept telling my family that I am suicidal, only for them to completely disregard me and tell me that suicide is only for "cowards" and the "mentally ill". Told me to stop rambling about nonsense and just get over it.
Everything I've written up until this point is tolerable. Here's the main reason I'm writing this post - Ever since I was around 13–14, I've been dealing with a severe chronic variant of the condition Restless Leg Syndrome. It developed slowly over a few months, and then it became a daily occurrence. It became very bad very quickly. I was literally just lying in bed when suddenly I got this severe cramp-like feeling (later discovered RLS), and it's been like that up until this point. I cannot describe the feeling. Just google it. It's like boiling water/bubbly soda going through your veins instead of blood. Sensation in the calf region. Despite not having any visible symptoms, this is a real physical condition and not just "in your head". I have the rare daytime variant or whatever. This condition characterises with symptoms occurring exclusively during the night, but a certain amount of people report the sensation being 24/7, just like me. For three fucking years. Three fucking years I've been living this miserable existence. I do not wish this upon anyone. I'd rather be dead. Three fucking years I've been getting shit sleep due to this, I can never properly relax, it's always there. It cannot be cured. My parents do not believe in the existence of this condition, despite numerous research and studies. The local GPs don't either. My entire country is known to have the most ignorant and stupid people in the entirety of Europe, pretty sure you can guess which one it is. It took us a decent amount of time to find a professional, but even then, there was nothing he could do. I've tried everything. Exercise, creams, warm baths, stretches—nothing. Nothing fucking helps. Medical tests say that everything in my body is in a healthy amount. No medicine helped. No supplement helped. I had multiple x-rays and tests done by a phlebologist, they say I'm healthy. This condition is 100% real and not just in my head. I can even see my calves pulsating oddly, as if they have been enlarged somehow. Even if it's treatable, there are no licensed professionals around here to deal with it. The doctors here are some of the most self-righteous people you'll ever meet, and they absolutely do not care about helping you. I appreciated the efforts of those who did, but I'm still fucked. I am so fucked. At this point, the only "treatments" are dopamine agonists and opioids, both of which cause addiction and severe side effects. I live a healthy lifestyle, I don't smoke or drink at all. Now I will have to become like a zombie. There are no alternative solutions, atleast not currently, and I doubt there will be. I have the choice to either take my own life or live the rest of my life on opioids. My life is over. I will never be able to function properly again. I'm losing so much sleep, it's unreal. This is by far the most horrible thing to ever happen to me, and I do not know if I have the willpower to go through a lifetime of suffering. I wish I was born normal. This is the equivalent of letting a sick animal suffer instead of putting it out of its misery. It does not get better. Don't tell me that it will get better. There's nothing to live for anymore, nothing to keep me going. This is not a "temporary problem". The problem in this case is permanent.
The only reason I'm still alive right now is because of the gun laws over here. If there was a handgun in front of me, I'd shoot myself on the spot without a second thought. In other words, I don't have the means to do it. I do not particularly care about the consequences that my death will have upon other people, the same way they don't care about me. Life will go on, with or without me. | 35 |
I want somebody to stab me so bad. | I've tired suicide but i'm an actual fucking pussy, I can't do it, I couldn't do it. That's why i want to die "heroically" by getting fucking murdered. I dont care anymore, I just want to fucking kill myself, I want to die so badly. Man this sucks, I was such a good kid too. I've tired self harm, hanging, and a lot of shit. Fucking lies all of them, if you want to kill yourself put a bullet to your goddamn head or at least kill me like that. The world is so beautiful yet fucking dull, I hate this place and I hate the people in here.
I'm so pathetic writing this, "only the internet understands me" cringe ass shit but its true. I want to write a suicide note and purposely leave it in the open for my family to see it and when they come in my room, they'll see me fucking dead on the floor, that is my greatest wish. | 2 |
I’m struggling to find a purpose to my existence. I want to wither away in peace. | 28m I’m struggling to find a purpose to my existence; my future seems bleak.
I genuinely don’t find any enjoyment in my current life circumstances, nor do I in life in general.
I’m tired of living within my own thoughts. Tired of the self sabatoging internal dialogue.
It feels as if life has been extremely unfair to me. Despite my every effort to achieve, my goals still seem elusive.
Everything I’ve passionately invested myself into has been for nothing or only offers transient victories.
My life is defined by a past of neglect, abuse, and bullying and has rooted in me a pessimistic outlook towards people and myself.
I don’t have any friendships and I find it difficult to cultivate relationships. I simply cannot relate to anyone.
I understand that I am different, however, I simply can’t stand the disgusting and superficial behaviors people project.
I am absencent of any real family connection. Those that I do have I despise, especially my parents for their neglect and overall character.
Im tormented by my poor mental health. It has caused me to hurt those who I love and cherish. I’ve destroyed two meaningful 5 year relationships, and I can no longer cope with this burden.
I’m simply tired of living with the pains I’ve Inflicted to those I loved. I cannot cope with the pain and abuse I’ve inflicted.
I can’t stand being sober. I constantly seek to numb myself, only to find myself in a deeper hole.
The isolation of being an only child has led me to a deep sense of loneliness and has had a significant negative impact on my mental health.
I have no self worth, the only thing keeping my alive is the abusive tendency to appease my parents.
I despise them for this. I shouldn’t have to be responsible for their happiness and well being something they don’t seem to reciprocate.
I shouldn’t care that I’m an only child and all their “efforts” as they claim were for me. I asked for none of this. Im tired.
I already have a plan. I just want to wither away In peace. | 1 |
I had to fill out a questionnaire and now my doctor will know I'm suicidal | Although I have never attempted suicide, I have had suicidal thoughts and used to do self harm. I know I probably won't get sent away to a mental hospital since I don't actively try to commit suicide, but I'm still scared.
​
I don't really want to talk about it with my doctor. She's not a bad person or anything, I just have a hard time talking about stuff like this irl because it's hard for me to get the words out. I can type it out, but I can't speak it that well.
​
I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm just kind of scared of what might happen. I've always been scared of getting real help, mostly because I'm afraid they'll assume the wrong thing or not believe me. (By real help I mean professional help like therapy, etc)
​
I just want an idea of what to expect. | 1 |
I wanna die and I feel like there's no turning back. | I wanna die and I feel like there's no turning back.
Hi, everyone. Even if I've seen plenty of reddit post in my life, I feel awkward to come here and write this out. I dont even know how to start. I feel like no matter how many time I open up about this, no one will never understand me. Like the title says, I(23f) feel like dying and its beciming less and less scary. I'm gonna be 24 in a few days and I only feel pain from it. I dont think I was meant to live in this world. How can i possibly turn 24 without this certitude that it's not gonna get worse. I dont think I've remember a birthday where I was actually happy or feeling wanted. I share my birthday with my twin sister and every year for the past 10 years, my birthday was big celebration for everyone. Until this year, I've always been sharing this celebration with my friends and family. It's sound lovely right? For me, this is a pain. When you have to share all your life with someone else. Always being called "the twin" and never being seen as your own individual. I dont remember a birthday where I didnt felt left out or like a burden, it was never my birthday, it was my sister birthday and by obligation, I had to be there.
It's been 10 months that I went no contact with my family. My family hates me, at least, I dont think my family would have care about me if it wasn't for the fact that that I was the one cleaning after everyone's mess. I can't help but blame how I feel on them. I just want my feeling to be aknowledge, I just want to be understood. I just want peace, i want to disappear. I dont think I felt loved in my life. Deep down I know, I'm the only one who would give myself a chance but its hard to do so when you've never felt supported in your life. I've been outcasted and shunned by my family everytime I have tried to feel accepted or perceived as my own individual. I've been living my life for others for those past 24 years. I've been neglected to the point where I feel like I'm a waste of space, a waste of life. The only things that I remember in this life is abuse, neglect and sorrow. My body hurt from being alive. I feel so selfish because people always made me feel like my needs were selfish. Im probably acting up again, and being dramatic like most my family thinks of me. Im the villain, Im the one doing too much, Im being manipulative. Those past 10 months just showed me how actually lonely i was. I just hate how I dont think I had a life on my own and now that I have no obligation at all, I wanna die. The closer we get from the 14th (my bday) the closer, I know its better if I die. People are gonna expect that Ill be there but I dont think I could go. I saw my sister yesterday and I broke down while most of my friends were having fun. Im the party pooper, and deep down I know they only wanna be around because they feel bad. My sister is not ready to talk to me and deep down i know that im not ready too. I think I wanted to solve that problem with her because, i was scared that people are gonna have to choose between us. I know she deserve a better life than me. I have talk to certains friends that I wanted to die, I think they worry about me. I dont know, for me I feel like they dont want me to die because its gonna be messy. Its so tempting because i feel like its the only thing that Ill be doing for ME, selfishly without any care of the world. It would be my birthday gift for myself. All those people around me are all gonna be free from the burden of my emotions, my problem and I will too. Im a mess and I dont even think this post makes sense. The more we get close to my bday, the more I get flashback from my life. Ive done nothing for myself. I can only remember how my parents reacted when i got sexually abused, when I was humiliated by my older sister, hated by my twin sister and how every small actions that I took made my parents hit me, verbally abuse me. I remember when my dad throw me down the stairs and trapped me in the basement because of a small mistake. I remember when everytime i wanted to read, draw or watch tv, I was insulted, my stuff were destroyed as a result. I remember how they humiliated me just because I told them how I didnt want to help them at their store anymore. Its funny how I dont remember a moment where I was actually happy and fulfilled. All my life, was filled with hatred toward me. My soul is broken. I am a mess. I dont need help I just want to breath without it to hurt.
I thought that moving out was gonna help me, cutting contact was gonna help me. The only thing i got from them, is a message from my mom telling me to stop punishing her because my other siblings needed more help then me. Its frustracting to alwaysa fight for love, a love that i never had access to. Yet I know that dying is not a solution its sound so tempting. Its a way to secretly tell them to care about me. My family will choose anytime else over me and my friends would prefer to only have my twin sister. I might be wrong but thats how I feel. Anyway i dont think this post is really gonna make a difference.
Thank u and Im sorry. | 3 |
Should I tell my friend how much I want to die? | All I do all day is lay in bed and think about how miserable my life is. At this point, I just want to give up entirely. I am debating whether I should tell my friend. If I do tell them, I feel like it would just add needless stress to their life. They already have so much to worry about. However, I do want to tell someone about how I feel. I am conflicted. I don't really trust anyone with my emotions. Are there any alternatives to "venting" that don't require talking to another person? | 3 |
I just need to write it somewhere | I need to write this so I want to write it here, where no one knows me. Because I don't want people I know to worry. I just need to put it on words that maybe will float out here and maybe reach a person. It doesn't feel the same if I just think it or say it to myself. I suppose that's very selfish and egotistical.
I want so often to go away forever in nothingness. Today again, as I have before, I think about the way I want to do it. What stops me is that I love my parents and can't hurt them. Today though, it feels so much more urgent to do it. I musn't because I can't do that to them. But it would be the most wonderful thing to do.
For so many months now I haven't been a real human. I'm a body and a mind that doesn't work. I remember what it was like to think of new things and create things I liked. I remember when I could make myself happy in ways that aren't sick and unhealthy. I'm a hideous body that exists now, like a barely animate flesh pile.
My head is full of hatred and anger or it's full of nothing or full of vain hopes i know to be vain. I don't want to exist for the moments when I can feel happy anymore because I know they're not worth it now. They don't outweigh this, or make it worthwhile. They're as worthless as the rest of it.
I don't want to see the people i love being so sick and in pain anymore. I don't want to see the One I'm in love with anymore. I don't want to hear that One act like nothing I ever did happened or that they did happened. I don't want to worry about them anymore. I don't want to see animals and bugs dying. I don't want to see cities. I don't want to see the loveliest fields and know they're dying. I don't want to be there when the world dies, and know that we're all gone soon. I don't want to question why we don't all goa way forever right now. It's too late to save anything. Maybe that belief in the better world beyond that i have had for so long wasn't real. I want it to be real, despite all the pain it causes me, despite how it means people i love might not even be there, but maybe it was never real. How are you even meant to know what is real anymore. No one really knows. If the smartest people on the planet can't agree, then how do i know. I spent so many years trying to figure it out. But what can i ever know? I'm not a scientist or a historian or a psychologist. I can't ever really know if god is real. I'm not smart enough and I'm not even sure one way or the other makes it easier. Stasis from unknowing. Unknowing what to do in case I pick the wrong one, but how can I ever knwo the right one? I'm not smart, and I have access to hundreds of sources of conflicting evidence and information, which in itself might be fake, or wrong, our outdated, and why should i continue to wait eternally for an answer that i can never know.
i wish no one had ever known me so i could slip away without eyes seeing me, how can i do anything without the answer. what if i'm doing something wrong. people do things to change the world but there's no such thing, so manybe it doesn't matter. why would i change anything anyway. i'm a body. i just want so much for a planet where the living things don't suffer and people don't kill bugs, or ravage lands, where peop,le can just exist. a lovely world where humans never talked or moved. i wish someone would come and put me to sleep so it didn't hurt my parents, because that's how cowardly i am. i really do love all these people in my life, i love them so much i can feel the bile filling my lungs up just thinking about hurting them, but i never said i was good. i'm selifhs and a coward any maybe i should just do it at last. i know i won't but how good it would be to leave at last. i think a lot about this part in a movie i saw once, with piano music and a street full of people, just all these heads bobbing about, and i think about standing in that street knowing my end is there. i would give anything to stand in that street and hear that lovely music and then just end | 1 |
A hardy fuck you to obsessive compulsive disorder... | I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore or where to start. It's always painful living with it no matter what happens. No one's gonna read this shit but I'll post it anyways. There's situations where i don't even know how a normal person would respond or feel. I feel like no one else in the vicinity relates to this shit because its such an alien way of perceiving things. Fuck this. | 30 |
Being trans | Why does it matter what I choose to do when I don’t force or promote my lifestyle. I have boys and promote god and meditation. Love not hate I think I’m ready to kill myself to go see god and have a chat. I need to hear from him and I hope I never have to come back here for their sakes. Humans are horrible including me I’m not bias | 0 |
Once it’s over, I’m done with everything | I had nothing before, I will have nothing after. I am completely empty. There is a void inside of me and I’m fucking tired of it | 1 |
I guess a post here is adequate | I feel like shit just posting here; feeling like my short little vent is so deserving of viewing I just have to post pathetic. I just feel so upset that I am who I am and I won't be able to change that. There are a lot of posts on here concerning one's appearance and it's similar here, but a bit expanded. I genuinely can't see how anything about who I am as a person is worth living, loving, caring or even taking into consideration. I have to live and die with knowledge that I was born to be pathetic and mediocre at best and a downright failure at worst. It becomes apparent with each passing day and night that I really don't have to live with it, though; I can just skip it and die with it. | 1 |
Need meds that'll kill me | I need some accessible meds that will kill me. Anybody know any drugs, so I can kill myself with no pain?
I really need this guys, so please don't try to convince me not to do it. | 3 |
CHOP MY HAND | I feel like wanna chop my hand and bleed to death. At least i will pass out faster that way. Once i do, its a guarantee die. Better option than OD, hang myself which probably ill bail out after 1 minute trying, jumping well i probably will just get broken ribs or watever. . Ive got no more desire to live..... This idea just came to me recently oh well | 1 |
Lol My life | Its gonna be really hot outside so I'm trying to cool down my house before it gets hot again. Im trying to make a cross breeze so im sitting there opening windows and adjusting fans. Im in my bathing suit rn, because im hot and also having a manic episode... And im sitting there in the open window, trying to feel if the crossbreeze is working and a van drives by and all of a sudden im super self aware.
What kind of freaky ass neighbor am i? 😂 I'm in my bathing suit, t posing in the window at 330 am. This is just another example of why i dont belong in society. | 2 |
i dont think anyone is here for me | everyone else also needs help
i cant even help them in a slightest
i dont think anyone would find it worth it to acknowledge my existence, but that is such a selfish thought
why even bother doing anything | 2 |
Feeling past numb and care. Broke, dumped, and worthless. Why do I wake up everyday and go through the motions? I just want it to stop. | null | 3 |
What happens if I tell my therapist I think about ending it every single day? | I don't want to go inpatient. I can't do that right now. I don't currently have a date/plan but I know exactly how. It's all I think about and I'm getting closer each day. I've talked to the crisis line but they haven't really been any help. I don't feel like I'm a danger to myself today but at the same time I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shit keeps piling up and it feels like it's only a matter of time before it spills over. | 1 |
Having a bad reaction to medication - please help me through it | Got put on buproprion (Wellbutrin). They upped me to 300 two weeks ago and I started feeling progressively worse. I started to feel as bad as I did before any medication (I’m on 5 😃). My brain feels like it’s going to explode and overheats and fritzes out whenever I have any strong emotions at all - like it tries to censor my brain and shut it down with overheating. I don’t want to be around anybody at all right now. I’ve been snapping at my partner so I’ve been trying to keep away from him the past few days and left for work an hour early today.
I honestly want to fucking die and have a compulsion to self harm. I just want the fuck out.
I told my psych about all of this two days ago and he didn’t address any of it at all. He wants me to stay on and added another med (buspar)! So fuck me I guess.
I really want to unalive. | 1 |
I want to shoot myself. | I’m 24 M, and a practicing lawyer in Pakistan. I don’t have a job at any law firm (I left a few months ago because the pay was $100 a month) and since then I’ve been struggling to keep up with expenses, since I don’t have a lot of work. I’m in terrible debt to individuals because of horrible business decisions, and a fraud I got scammed in recently. I got married last year to a girl i absolutely love. We live with my mother (58) who is also divorced and relies on me for the rent and utilities. I can’t afford financially much longer. I sold my phone a few days ago just to pay the rent for this month and I’m shit scared as to what I will do next month.
To top it all off, I found out through my wife’s phone and then later questioning her that she in fact slept with my first cousin in 2018 when she got black out drunk apparently. This has ruined me to the core and is the straw that breaks the camels back. I can’t look at her the same way. I am disgusted by her especially so because I specifically asked her before we got married if she’s had anything with any one I know of. Now I’m the idiot that married the girl every one had a go with. Any way, I don’t know what to do ahead. I don’t know if my relationship with my wife (which was my last motivator) will ever normalize again, and I don’t know how my bleak $4 in bank account finances will prosper, especially when the electricity company has already sent me a disconnection notice and my landlord is expecting the next month’s rent soon.
I was born out of poverty, molested as a child, remained in relative poverty facing evictions as a child of a single mom with terrible mental health issues, and I may as well die with the cycle almost completing itself. I am religious, but I question even my faith now. I don’t know why god would let all this happen, in fact, I don’t know if god is even managing this all.
Sorry for the long post. I can’t talk anywhere else or to any one else. Thanks for reading. Bye | 11 |
I tried to hang myself today. | Every time I got close to passing out I would have a burst of adrenaline and stand up, almost involuntarily. Just felt like I needed to tell somebody. Survival instinct is a bitch. | 17 |
Unlucky in life and death | Let me preface this by saying I’ve never had much luck in life. I was born into a family that treated me like a puppet, and abused me for many years physically, verbally, and made an unsafe environment to open up to anyone about my issues.
But it seems that I can’t have anything good. Anytime something moderately okay happens, or a day feels too good, some massive awful thing happens. I hate it. The universe doesn’t want me to be happy. It won’t let me be happy. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do to, the universe smacks me down while everyone around me prospers.
I spent years of my life dedicated to helping others because it’s the right thing to do, and because it made me feel worth something for once. But of course that wouldn’t be good either as people started taking advantage of my willingness to help.
I’ve been unlucky in life. I nearly died once, although I wish I had now. I have to live a life without happiness and love, and also have to worry about it getting worse since I’m not straight. Nowhere is really safe. I’ve attempted before, although it never succeeded, which is why I said unlucky in death. I can’t even off myself properly, it’s pathetic. I hate this. I hate being alive. I hate having to live just so the universe can keep kicking me while I’m down. | 1 |
Is it possible to survive Beachy Head jump? | I’m just curious if jumping from Beachy Head is definitely instant death or if anybody has actually survived the fall? My biggest fear is surviving but being brain damaged or destroying every bone in my body and being unable to move for the rest of my life | 1 |
what a worthless piece of shit i am... | null | 1 |
i started drinking a lot again | i ignore everyone and im really angry without a real reason. when im at home i just cry all day and when i do go out i get drunk. theres no real options for me, i have no future | 1 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.