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the thoughts won’t stop | i’m afraid i’m one bad day away from actually ending my life too. suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind in the past but not like this.
lately i find myself actually toying with the idea and exploring different ways to do it in my head. i find myself standing by my house window and looking down and imagining myself falling over (there are a lot of high rise buildings where i’m from). it scares the shit outta me that one day i just might | 2 |
Dude I wanna try but life keeps proving me right | Nobody gives a fuck its lonley cold and fucking stupid ive tried being optimistic for years but it proved my points over and over people and life is shit all I can hope for and all I want is my glock too not fail at this point.
-Thanks to anyone who reads this I dont have a plan im very impullsive this may be my last post. | 2 |
I Don't know What the Truth is | I'm extremely suicidal. I let people abuse and use me. I let people love bomb me and treat me like dust.
I feel extremely horrible.
​ | 1 |
consciousness is terrifying | i do not and have never wanted to be here. i feel so stuck because i’ve wanted to commit suicide for so long but i’m just scared. and even if i do successfully kill myself i don’t know what happens then. i fear i’ll still be stuck somehow. regardless i really just want a quick death but it seems impossible without a firearm. | 1 |
any psychological tricks to kill myself without fear | i really want to jump out from a building but always my natural instincts kick in
i am a coward and would love to know how do i just do it with no fear
i do not want any help all the help i need lays in me killing myself | 1 |
My 10 year old | I hope this is ok to post.
My 10 year old has been bullied and has been talking about suicide.
At 10 years old, she has to be on antidepressants.
In a month and a half, I’ve had to take her to the hospital. We see her doctor tomorrow to see if we can change her medication and she’s in therapy.
I’m scared for her. I love her so much. She’s my first born. She made me the mom I needed to be and she saved my life.
I had to send my son to his dads house because he doesn’t need to witness this at 3 and it absolutely broke my heart.
I just need positive thoughts and to let it off my chest because I’m on my own and terrified.
Thank you for reading. | 8 |
If I kill myself does my family have to pay off my new car? | I got a new used car a month ago. I put paid the down payment myself, and it's wholly under my name. I was going to ask my mom to co-sign but I didn't, but since I'm a dependent, if I killed myself would my family have to pay it off? | 1 |
I wish my parents would pass so I could die too | The image of our house once full of laughter standing empty makes me immensly sad. But the pain never stops and I'm not sure how long I can hold on. I only care about my parents who'd never recover after my death. Everyone else has their own family and friends who will fill the empty spot in their hearts, but my parents only have me, I'm their only daughter. I'd be easier if I had a sibling so they'd have a child remaining to take care of them once they are old. There are so many happy moments, despite the pain, we sit together at the dinner table and laugh and joke around, I love them so much. But I'm tortured every day by a chronic illness that might never get better and I'm so profoundly tired. | 3 |
Oxy & Buvidal | If I’m monthly buvidal 128mg and take 800mg oxy will I overdose?
I had my monthly injection today.
Any advice? | 1 |
I dont even know | Sorry for the mass cursing in advance
M 15 coming up to 16. I dont even know why i'm suicidal, fucks sake. I'm too pussy to kill myself but I can't stand being alive. I have so many opportunities to make my life better, but all I do is push them away. I'm not fucking normal, every bit of me is considering "nuerodivergent" or whatever shit you want to call it but I don't care. Does anyone really care? No. All I have is my mum, and as selfish as it is I never see the point in mentioning other people in YOUR suicide. "Oh, think about the people that'll miss you" so fucking what, boohoo everyone dies and why is it always about everyone fucking else. I'm tired of being used and thrown away like some fucking toy, nobody takes me seriously and I cant help myself because all I do is push people away.
I wake up everyday and instantly regret it. I hate myself with absolute certainty and I just want to run away. I have several suicide plans if I ever get the balls to do it, i'm just fed up and tired of this mediocre life i'm given. | 1 |
I miss you | I miss you. I miss whenever you said “i love you”. I miss whenever you cared for me. I miss your morning texts. I miss how you were obsessed about me. I miss your calls everyday. I miss how you always called me “perfect”. I miss your smile. I miss hearing your voice. I miss how you were so interested about my life. I miss how you were so nice to me. I miss how you used to say how smart I was. I miss the moments we spent together. I miss watching anime with you. I miss playing games with you. I miss your cheerfulness. I miss how you listened to me. I miss our never ending conversations. Even though it’s been a couple of months now, I still… miss you. | 6 |
Psychiatric drugs ruined my life | If I only knew all my emotions were valid. If I only knew I didn't have to take any of that poison.. And I lived numb, emotionless for years and years... That was not a life, I was frozen, unavailable, perceived as suspicious because of lack of emotions.. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for wasting my youth in that way. My brain is destroyed by the insane amount of antipsychotics, benzos and antidepressants I used to take, thinking there was something wrong with me, when in reality it was all a normal response my mind had to life... | 3 |
It never works. im still alive. | tried via pill overdose and honestly i am surprised im alive. but digestive wise ive turned into shrek. great more hospital bills... I hate being bipolar. | 1 |
I decided at 20 that if things don’t get better and stay better by the time I’m 30 I’d kill myself. I’m now 22 and things have only gotten worse. | null | 2 |
Horrible, selfish person | I just want to vent my life away. Today is a very special day for those closest to me and I don't want to ruin it.
I'm going to get therapy soon so I'll be getting some help so I won't be like some kind of ball and chain for people.
I feel alone. I've been trying to work on myself for a long time. Some days are great and other days, it makes me want to go back to my old self. I feel like killing myself again. I'm afraid of change. I don't know who I'm going to be at the end of it all. Hence why I feel alone, I'm fighting this war all on my own and I feel very naked and vulnerable as a result.
I have horrible hallucinations and voices that tell me to go kill myself. I have violent and sexual intrusive thoughts that makes me wanna isolate myself and die. I have schizophrenia even if I don't look like I do. I also have DID and maybe PTSD.
I think I talked about this before, but basically I'm scared of myself. I want to die or be abandoned by everyone that I know. People reach out to me but I'm scared. I don't want to be taken to a hospital (been there too many times) and I don't want to scare people away because of my thoughts.
I just want somebody to listen. I want to be able to say what I want to say without the fear of being judged. And of course, I want to improve on myself. But the only way for me to do that is to talk about it.
It's been really hard trying to deal with myself. And keep it all inside at the same time. I'm bursting at the seams again, but I don't mind dying. I tested my plan not too long ago and now I'm thinking about it again.
I get lost in my own thoughts and I'm aware of this, so I try to do other things. But it leads me into thinking like a narcissist sometimes. I want attention. I don't want to be famous but I want to be heard. I draw but I don't usually express my feelings as much as I would like. I feel left out even though I'm not. I know people give me a lot of attention. I'm 27 years old, I'm an adult. I understand that I only make up a tiny portion of people's live, but sometimes I get a little upset (nothing horrible. just in my head) whenever I'm not involved.
I'm gonna try and work on some art but I don't want to do it for attention. I'm trying to remember that art is about expressing my feelings. But now I struggle with very selfish thoughts. "Who cares about them", "I'm better", "they're ugly" etc etc. I sometimes feel like I'm in competition with others when I'm really not.
This is just me compensating for everything that I told you here. I'm working on it, it's just... Why am I like this?
This is why I want to die. Things were so different when I was a kid. Now I'm older and I have all of these problems and I don't want to step on anybody's toes and nobody understands my issues and... So on.
Well anyway, I just wanted to talk about it. The gist of everything at least.
Thank you. I've finally been able to cry after not having done that in a while. | 1 |
Thanks for the help | A harsh childhood, deep poverty, lack of an education+employment and a lack of human contact is a bit too much for me, so I've decided to leave. Found some climbing rope at a garage sale a month ago, couldn't afford anything more serious. See you guys on the other side | 1 |
I’m literally the biggest a-hole in the face of the planet and need to die | I literally need to die so sooooooooo badly but I don’t know how to do it. I’m apparently the biggest degenerate and a leach. Im terrible at school but am being forced to go to college anyway. I’m retarded. Im ugly. Im socially awkward. Im terrible at everything. Nothing interests me in life. Im being gaslit every single day. People force suicidal people like me to be alive when WE NEED TO DIE. I NEED to die. Please someone tell me the least painful way to kill yourself. I REALLY NEED this. I’ll do anything. | 1 |
I was abused and no one believes me | I got choked and hit repeatedly by my brother a few years ago. I remember it vividly. He wouldn't let me talk without cutting me of and threatening to kill me. He would start arguments with me at the dinner table and rile me up so that my parents would lock me up. He would then go to my room and punish me for being rude.
I don't wanna live with all these memories I hate him but I hate my parents more for not believing me.
I wanna die so badly, I feel so mad and frustrated because my brotger has "changed" so no one believed what he did. He still verbally abuses me when no one is home. I'm too scared to be around him, I'm scared he'll hit me again so I just lock myself up. I just wanna die, why do I have to be stuck in this house. | 2 |
goodbye everyone | I'm gonna livestream my suicide later on today you'll see it soon, to everyone who reads this please downvote this post because it will encourage me even more to kill myself. seriously I want you all to downvote my post that's my final wish and there's nothing else I have to say other than goodbye everyone. | 1 |
I've been thinking | After making a recent venting post on r/lonely and receiving a PM from RedditCare, I have been thinking, why am I actually still alive? Why am I still going trough with living in spite of being in severe mental and sometimes physical pain from my loneliness? And the answer is fear, fear of dying, fear of fucking dying is what it's keeping me in this stupid fucking world, even though I know very well that things will only get worse and no one is going to help me and I cannot do a single thing about it. Please can someone just send an assassin in my house and just kill me? I don't want to live anymore, I am 100%, 1000% serious about this, I just don't want to live anymore, I tried everything for my loneliness to be better, nothing has worked. Please someone just kill me already, this is just about my only option left | 1 |
i have no escape please reach out | i have 0 escape right now and it’s making me miserable i hate living so much and i can always give people really good advice when it comes to this stuff but i can never take it for myself and it’s making me extremely miserable i don’t know how to get out of this depression anymore it feels like i’m drowning in it and i just want to feel compassion from another person i want to know that other people might feel the way i do i just rlly need someone right now and i have no one, my boyfriend gets upset at me when i describe my depression and tells me i’m doing it to myself or accuses me of not taking my meds and my parents get mad at me or frustrated saying i have all the support in the world and idk what to do | 1 |
i think it’s time | i finally think it’s time everything is showing me i should and when i think about leaving i feel so at peace like euphoric almost | 1 |
I think I very accidentally helped unalive my mom and truly disappointed her in the process. | I am struggling really hard. I have a huge family, but no one to turn to regarding this. I'm literally sobbing as I type. I don't want to be alive anymore.
Let me preface this by saying my mom never wanted to be on life support and she never wanted her children to make end-of-life decisions for her. She died without a will, and also without any advanced directives or a medical power of attorney. It all fell on my shoulders.
On Easter my mom had an episode where she couldn't breathe. She was taken to the hospital and they fixed her up and sent her home. This happened 3 more times. The fourth time that she went in she tried to stay and fight for answers.
I think it's important to add that I was kind of angry with my mom around the time she died because of something that happened 15 years ago for which she never apologized. It was a very big deal, but had been swept under the rug (where it should have stayed) because she was my only remaining parent.
Anyway, when she decided to stay to fight for answers they did a test. I got there early that morning and spent some time with her. She went down for the test and was saying creepy things. For instance, she asked if the basement (where she was taken for her test) was where the morgue was, because she wanted to know where she'd be going next. My mom got through the test okay. My mom went back to her room where she was able to get herself from the transport bed back to her own bed. Once she did that I left to get her favorite meal. I came back, we ate and she told me some jokes. My mom was the funniest person I knew.
After she got through eating she asked me to get a nurse because she couldn't breathe. I got the nurse. The nurse came in and thought my mom was having a panic attack and medicated her accordingly for the panic attack she thought she was having. As it turns out my mom was going into cardiogenic shock. My mom was yelling that the medication didn't work and I thought she needed to give it more time. I kept coaching her on breathing, but I was really worked up watching this happen and I kept yelling "smell the roses, blow out the candle!"
She yelled for me to get someone else. I kept going to the nurse. The nurse said she called the doctor, but nothing more could be done. I ended up standing in the hallway for what seemed like an eternity waiting for someone to come. I know I didn't go get someone every time she asked me to, as I legitimately thought they were working on getting help to her - or that she was just having a panic attack. I feel the awfulest for procrastinating getting help during this time.
They finally called in the emergency response people at the hospital. They said they might have to intubate her, but they were trying to stabilize her first. I knew she didn't want to be intubated and I also knew I wasn't supposed to have to make this decision. I panicked. I called my brother and my aunt who both said intubation was her best option at living. My brother has overdosed twice and each time ended up intubated and lived to tell about it.
Every single day for a week I spent the day with her. I didn't often go into her room, but I was in the waiting room. I was going to be there to see her through this awful predicament that I put her in.
My mom was intubated on a Saturday and the next Friday the doctors decided to give her a life-saving procedure. My mom had previously declined this procedure as they'd have to stop her heart and she was fearful. They did the procedure. It went swimmingly. They didn't expect to remove more than 20-30% of the blockage but the procedure was so successful they removed it all.
Afterward we thought for sure we were going to get to wake her up and tell her all about this whole week and how she made it on and off of life support and had the procedure she was scared of. We thought she was going to have a new lease on life. They told us that Friday night to go home and get some rest and expect to see her awake and off of life support the next day. We were so happy.
I didn't even open my eyes on Saturday morning before I got a phone call that her status had changed. They wanted me to sign a DNR. I refused so my brother did it while I started drinking heavily. That night my mom passed away. I have been trying to find her at the bottom of every bottle I can get my hands on since.
I watched my mom suffocate and if it weren't for me and my apathy she'd probably still be alive. I'm only 37, no parents and no kids. I don't want to participate in this anymore. There's no reason. It hurts my heart too much to think that she might still be here if I had done things differently. I can't believe I have so much further in my life to walk without her and I'll never hear her laugh again. I fucking can't. I pick up the phone to call her multiple times per day and then realize that maybe she'd still be here if it weren't for the things I did.
I don't even know why I'm typing here, but I'm devastated. | 1 |
Cant handle it anymore | I want to apologize for my bad english beforehand.
Well I dont know what to say but life is kinda meaningless and i'm thinking about ending it for years now. It's the first thought that pops up when i wake up and I have to think about it the whole day (and night). Im just too scared to fuck it up and end with some kind of permanent damage, unable to try it again.
I feel like I tried everything to fight depression but at the end of the day nothing works and these feelings are just too much for me man. I dont even know why it has been so hard the past days but its driving me insane and I cant handle it anymore.
I hope everyone else is doing as good as they can.
Peace | 1 |
Need to talk. Having ideations | Hi, wanna talk? My head is going crazy and i would like to talk to someone.
Tell me about your day or your pets, whatever you want is fine.
Thanks in advance. | 2 |
im 15 and i get thoughts about it and i dont wanna talk about them to people | i feel like ill just be looked at differently i dont know why im sad but i feel like im not doing enough and when i do things im doing too much, i just want to know why and if anyone else has similar experiences | 16 |
I have a plan to kill myself | My life has been awful. I’ve had enough of it. Every day feels like a grind. No coping skills help me and no one is able to help me with my problems. I’m going to kill myself as soon as I get home from vacation. What should I overdose on to have a peaceful death? | 2 |
Lost | I am planning to be dead by the start of august I just don’t want to live anymore I don’t really want to die but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel I keep going back and forth on weather I want to keep living or not but recently my hatred of living has gotten stronger then my fear of dying I feel so lost and alone is have people family I don’t want to worry them by telling them my feelings and getting put in some hospital I feel so bad about that I wish people didn’t care about me so I could die alone and not hurt anyone | 1 |
Venting | I 32M met my soon to be ex wife 31F in college, we have been together for a little over 12 years and married for close to 9. We have a son who just turned 8. Over the years our relationship has been good but like everyone's has been rocky at times. I have had my moments as a husband where I failed but have always been faithful to her. In this same time I have worked through 2 instances of her cheating to learn to love her again to keep the family together (Stupid I know). Especially last year when she was deployed and had an emotional affair while I was home working a full time job while taking care of the kid, house, and 3 pets. Since last year, my PTSD, depression, and anxiety have sky rocketed. Survived stage 4 cancer once and have multiple surgeries plus chronic pain for the past 5 years. I continued to work through my issues but last week she asked for a divorce because "She doesn't love me like a wife should and that our hobbies and interests are too different." I am destroyed. All the work I have done with my therapist is gone, I worked all these years to be supportive and try my best to be the husband and father they both deserve. Now I feel nothing. I have a plan and will go through it eventually ( they will be taken care of for a while luckily) but I am at peace with my decision. She has already talked about meeting you people and stuff while I am here absolutely broken and a shell of what I once was.
Venting over and I hope whatever demons and issues everyone else is facing can be overcome but I can't fight mine anymore | 1 |
Heartbroken | I spent my entire childhood and teenage years waiting to leave that shitty fucking town. I avoided friendships, conversations and relationships on purpose. Just so they couldn’t rope me back in.
It’s was pretty lonely and not fun. But they were all assholes who liked to fuck with me a lot.
Even when traveling somehow they knew where to be. Or even when I went to local places like the mall, or the golf course.
College was the big inflection point. Either it was worth it, or it wasn’t. It wasn’t. It’s never going to get better, and my experience there was as strong of a confirmation signal as I could ask for.
I’m just going to go ahead and shoot myself at some point. Maybe I can get an elective surgery first and grab some pain killers.
I’ll leave my credentials in the note. | 1 |
I need advice to help my friend | Friend advice
I just got back from a trip to see my friend (21) where we ended up taking mushrooms. After a while we left the group and me and my friend walked around town at night alone. He told me he hates being alive, he doesn’t enjoy anything, doesn’t want to keeping fighting to live all the time and that he wants to die. He kept saying to his core he felt like there was something wrong with him and nothing will ever make him happy. He said he’s felt like he doesn’t belong here and that I’m the first person he’s told. It got really intense to the point he asked if I wanted to just end it with him because of how fucked this world is (I had admitted to him that I dealt with thoughts of suicide my whole life but I am on a good track right now). I talked to him all night and talked him down but I had to go home earlier today. He asked me not to tell his brother or mom but I’m really scared he’s gonna do something that I wouldn’t be able to get there in time. He needs help desperately but doesn’t want to end up in a hospital full of drugs. Should I tell our other close friend who lives near to him? Should I tell his brother? Mom? | 1 |
07/13/2023 | My father beat me. He hit me with a broom stick (it was a solid wood about 1 1/2 inch thick) in my head, my face my arm basically anywhere he could reach. He also used his hands to slap me in the face and punch me. I just stood there taking it all. My jaws hurt along with my teeth rn and my arm that he hit with the broom stick hurts too. I can't sleep because of the pain. I'm feeling like the most useless thing in the world right now. My suicidal thoughts are coming back. I want to die.
I wrote this to remember what happened. This happened many times already only now i decided to write it down. | 1 |
Driving to work. Paying for parking. Lunch break. Work. Leaving. Only two things were on my mind all day. 1: her. 2: blowing my brains clean out of my fucking head. | null | 1 |
i feel obligated to destroy myself until i die. | for all the pain and trauma i put the people i love through. for all the years and time and effort people have wasted on me. i’ve hurt others then have the audacity to call myself lovable and empathetic. i’m sadistic and apathetic towards those who trust me, i’m not safe to be with. i deserve to die. i deserve to be in pain. | 4 |
Love is fake, and life sucks. | Me and my now ex gf broke up a week ago. We were together for almost 3 years. 3 months till our anniversary. I wanted to marry her. It's been really fucking hard trying to cope, she just kept leaving me on read without giving me any closure. My mind naturally assumes the worst, so I was really worried about them while also hoping that they weren't already replacing me.
Today we met up, and had an adult discussion about it. It made me feel so much worse.
Apparently she had been cheating on me AND she was already looking for people to date. Apparently she got "several people's numbers." Now it's none of my business what they're doing with other people but holy SHIT could you have not fucking waited just a LITTLE??? IT'S BEEN A FUCKING WEEK!!! It hit me like a truck like how can you go from "loving me" to instantly fucking moving on. It's like I meant nothing to them. And they said that flirting with people was "fun" to them. Even while we were together. "They were just words" well if they were just words why couldn't you resist??? She KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT THESE THINGS. I am in a tornado of emotions and I don't care what happens to me anymore. I just want to watch the world burn and hopefully I'll meet my end soon.
Why do all of my relationships turn out like this | 42 |
idk how to do it | I’m just so tired of everything. I keep disappointing everyone..
And there’s no places near me like bridges and stuff where I could do it :// | 1 |
I don't wanna feel like this anymore | I don't wanna feel period, life was going so well weeks ago and I had to fuck it all up yet again, this will be the last time I fuck it up, I am so close to doing it but I don't know the method. I'm thinking something to do with a sharp object perhaps. Either way I plan for it to work. I having to tell people about how I feel but at this point I'm running out of options. Please help me. | 1 |
Right back where I started | Sometimes I have hard days, but this morning I woke up and just started actively planning my suicide again. Something I haven't done in years. It's been a long, long time since I've actually felt alive or enjoyed anything. I don't even hurt anymore emotionally, I'm just kinda dead inside. I just needed to write this down to help me calm down | 4 |
I hate life | I wish I had never existed. Every time I think my life is getting better it crashes down harder. There is only one reason I'm not dead, because I have no one that would take care of my dogs and cat. I'm trans in a place where I have no protections and most of the people hate people like me, I'm drowning because I can't pay my bills, and I don't even have enough time off to enjoy anything about life. My mental health is crashing, 99% of people won't even acknowledge me as the person I am because I'm too fucking poor to get surgeries and hormones so I can pass. | 1 |
Friend advice | I just got back from a trip to see my friend (21) where we ended up taking mushrooms. After a while we left the group and me and my friend walked around town at night alone. He told me he hates being alive, he doesn’t enjoy anything, doesn’t want to keeping fighting to live all the time and that he wants to die. He kept saying to his core he felt like there was something wrong with him and nothing will ever make him happy. He said he’s felt like he doesn’t belong here and that I’m the first person he’s told. It got really intense to the point he asked if I wanted to just end it with him because of how fucked this world is (I had admitted to him that I dealt with thoughts of suicide my whole life but I am on a good track right now). I talked to him all night and talked him down but I had to go home earlier today. He asked me not to tell his brother or mom but I’m really scared he’s gonna do something that I wouldn’t be able to get there in time. He needs help desperately but doesn’t want to end up in a hospital full of drugs. Should I tell our other close friend who lives near to him? Should I tell his brother? Mom? | 1 |
Thinking of buying a gun from online and ending it.... | It's not fair. I didn't choose to be born. I'm a a messed up person with intense intrusive thoughts and my mental health is fucked up. My brother keeps smoking weed in his room and my parents can't even fucking tell him to stop because they are scared. I don't want to be here, I'm having anxiety of what happens after death like reincarnating back here......
I'm Canadian so I can't pick up a gun from a local store but I just want to order one online illegally and end it.... I don't know wtf to do anymore, I don't want to work a job and suffer from my health issues and live in my household. I'm getting health anxiety and I'm scared of that stupid bullshit Law of Attraction.... I don't wanna be here.
I just want to be in a paradise afterlife kind of thing (not a Biblical Heaven) where I'm in a city like Paris and making music all day. I don't want to be here
Some please respond, it'll make my day and it may persuade me to stay :( | 18 |
My life is a mistake. I'm tired of being alone. I'll kill myself next month if nothing changes. | null | 1 |
I'm ending my life in 2.5 months | Ever since my Grandma passed away I've been living with my Aunt and ever since I've moved in with her my depression has subsided and I've never been happier in my life, but she is about to lose her house and I probably will no longer be able to live with her, and there is no way I can stand to be without her so I am ending my life once her house is gone and we are forced to leave. | 1 |
What can I do? | Hello. I don't know if this is important enough to post here, but I hope it is ok. In fear of sounding ungrateful since a lot probably has it worse than me, and for those I feel sorry. Thank you for reading this. I hope you are feeling well. Sorry for the long post. I try to keep it as short as possible.
I am a 25 yo male. I have a nice (step)-family (my biological family wasn’t that nice to say the least). I have plenty of friends, even close ones. I study at a bachelor-degree, workout several times a week, eat healthy, drink from time to time (with friends), love-life is somewhat fulfilling, I have money and is okay good-looking. So basically: everything is great on paper… but I feel terrible (as many of you probably can relate to). The reason everything goes that well is also because I chose some years ago that as long as I don’t kill myself I might as well not make it worse for myself living - because I used to drink, smoke weed and so on (even though it takes all my energy and commitment - I know it is not easy and I’m probably mostly just lucky). I suffer mental scars from my upbringing with a lot of psychological violence from my parents which has made me paranoid schizophrenic. The doctors thought it was bipolar, then manic-depression, then C-PTSD and so on… but due to a psychosis 2 years ago I was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. I am pretty stable now due to good medicine (the 8th medicine I have tried, but thank God that this works for me). - the worst is mostly the “negative symptoms”, meaning that I feel numb all the time, and when I finally feel something it is often just sadness - like I honestly feel joy for 2 seconds in a year (which is pretty much for me since I have been depressed since I was about 14 I think). I can laugh but I it is the same experience as feeling something through a thick glove. I feel like something snapped when I was about 15 - it’s like I starred into deep hopelessness and I can’t un-see that. Figuratively it feels like my one leg is stuck in quick-sand pulling me towards death, and I can’t pull my leg back.
Anyways I think about killing myself several times a week and I have even planned it and written my farewell-letter. Plenty of times I wanted to do it but I didn’t want to hurt my step-family and my close friends who has saved (or prolonged) my life with their love, so that is basically what has kept me from killing myself several times I think. But I just keep coping, doing all the “right things” (mostly) and holding on and suppressing the eagerness to slit my wrist and dump me with a rock in the ocean (so that people won’t find my body in order to not traumatise anyone). I have been to a therapist 24 times and have been in a treatment for schizophrenia for 2 years. I try to believe in God but it doesn’t take away “the void”. I feel like I will commit suicide sooner or later because this life for me is so exhausting, I can’t keep it up and I’ve been feeling like that for 10 years. (And if I want to commit suicide I need to do it before getting kids at least.)
Does anyone have a suggestion on what to do or how to make life enjoyable enough so that I don’t need to kill myself?Please know that everything I've written is true and I mean it.
I haven't posted this for attention. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I will pray for you tonight. | 1 |
I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. I will kill myself today, because NOBODY wants to help or even TALK with me. (Trigger Warning) | **Been trying to post here on** r/SuicideWatch, **but that got removed. So I tried using** r/mentalhealth **and** r/AskReddit, **but they also remove my posts, telling me I can't post suicidal stuff there, telling me to post here on** r/SuicideWatch **which I already tried. First my post got removed by the mods and had to wait 2 days for the mods to approve my post. When it DID get approved, I was COMPLETELY ignored. I got nothing out of posting that, because nobody bothered to read it.**
**So guess I'll have to try AGAIN... asking for help on Reddit for the 7th time...**
I am so sick of **EVERYTHING**. My life couldn't have turned out **ANY** worse than this.It's horrible. I can't take it anymore. And no matter **HOW HARD** I try, there is **NO HELP** to get...
I have been banned from getting professional help, just because I missed some meetings with a psychologist I didn't like at all(he didn't care about me at all, and was very indirectly mean). Because I didn't meet up, they threw me out and banned me.
I have tried to ask them if I can get help again, but they are just denying it now. So professional help isn't an option, as long as I'm in my country. I have no friends or anyone in my life to talk with anymore, either.
So what, then? I'm trying to use the internet and go on subreddits.
But up until this post, all my posts on Reddit regarding me being suicidal, etc. gets ignored and removed... It makes me feel like nobody in the world cares, and that everyone seeing my posts about suicide simply makes them go "how annoying. just shut the fuck up."
Guess there's no "help" available after all, huh? Or is it that drug addicts like me "don't deserve" to live and get any help? Even though I have always been as nice towards everyone I can.
Very well then. **IF NOBODY IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD IS WILLING TO HELP ME...** I will figure out a method of suicide that is painless. A suicide where neither my "survival instincts" nor anyone else can stop me.
Some additional details:
**(TRIGGER WARNING: talking about a near-suicide attempt):** I was so close yesterday to jump from the 4th floor(closer than I've ever been able to before) by forcing myself at the edge. If only I had let go, or accidentally lost my grip, I would have fallen. My father saw me and dragged me back in.
My life literally could not have turned out any worse. I dropped out of school, lost all my friends, got addicted to hard drugs(primarily heroin, which I've been addicted to for 5 years now), my girlfriend of 4 years broke up recently, leading to me having nobody at all anymore.
My entire family shames me because they think I'm only addicted to frickin' weed when it's heroin, xanax, alcohol AND weed. The only people who knows the truth are my parents.
But what help can my parents provide? The fact that I'm suicidal, isn't being taken seriously at all. My father was the one who saw me at the edge of the balcony yesterday, and just grabbed me back in, not mentioning it again, not to me nor my mother(who does not even know that it happened). My father has always claimed that he knows me better than I know myself and that I "love life too much to commit suicide", apparently.
**Nothing improves and nothing is getting better. I have nobody to talk with. I have no friends or support. I am being denied professional help for the stupidest reason.**
**My mental health is completely shattered. I never feel happy or joy anymore. At this rate, I'll soon lose my legs or even die within a few years ANYWAY. Because of my IV heroin addiction.**
**Even if I quit heroin TODAY, I still have a high chance of getting complications that could kill me later on.**
**So WHY should I stay alive and suffer like this, with everything only getting EVEN WORSE? Especially when it's nearly guaranteed that I'm going to slowly die anyway, within a few years?** | 1 |
I really need help with this shit. Ive already made plans to off myself at the end of summer, but still really want help in trying to move away from actually doing this. | I keep fantasizing about stabbing myself. I just hope if I do go through that I'll be in the ICU or some shit. | 1 |
i quit | i’m 18 years old with nothing and no way out. this is the only way i will be free from all of this shit. i have truly nothing left and i feel like i’m screaming and no one can hear me. they’ll be better off without me anyway, all i have done is destroy everyone’s lives since i was born, and i couldn’t apologize enough for it. all i do is fuck everything up. i don’t even know if i want to die, but i want to be free, and if death is what will bring me that freedom, so be it.
i probably won’t actually go through with this. i always back out right at the last second. i can’t even get my own death right. i need time to think i don’t know
i don’t know anything at all. if you can hear me, please tell me. | 2 |
I fucking hate my life so much I just want to fucking end it | I’m a depressed, autistic male in his 20’s. I lie in bed all day and never leave the house. Nothing brings me joy. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I just want to be alone. I feel like an alien amongst my own family. They seemed to have given up on me. They don’t speak to me, let alone acknowledge me. Fuck them. Fuck my parents for bringing me into this miserable world. Fuck my brother for being an abusive, pretentious bitch. My family will never understand my pain. I’m sick of being treated like shit by the world. Maybe I deserve it. I’m a worthless, fat loser. I just want to drink myself to death. Nothing matters anyway. I’ll probably end up in Hell, and I don’t even care. Life is suffering. Why should I suffer? Why not just fucking end it? | 27 |
I’m trying so hard | I am hurting so bad on the inside. Nothing helps. The past week and a half or so all I have had in my head constantly is to kill myself. I’m trying so hard not to act on my thoughts and I’m proud of myself for not doing anything but I truly don’t know how much more I can take. Each day is so exhausting and nothing is getting better. I feel so lonely. Even when I go out and do things and surround myself by people I feel so internally alone. I feel like everyone who is in my life would be a lot better if I were not in it anymore. I truly am a waste of space like the absolute biggest ever. I’m so fucking annoying. Tbh I don’t even think anybody would be that upset besides a few of my family members. And then when I think of that it makes me hurt even more. Jesus is the only thing getting me through life these days and now my head is just going to if I kill myself id be with Him. I don’t know how people can just live everyday happy and enjoying life. I want to live and be happy but no matter how hard I try I am always pushed back into suicidal thoughts. The past few months I thought I was going to die not by suicide and that scared me but I still had fleeting thoughts. I think I have been keeping everything this year bottled in and it hasn’t helped. I just don’t understand how there are some people who are again just so happy and then there are others who have a subreddit designated to them. To have a normal working brain would be so amazing and my heart truly goes out to anyone feeling this way. I hope we all find true happiness soon. | 2 |
I dont know what to do | I tried to kill myself about 2 weeks ago. Overdosed and was hospitalized. I was hooked up to an iv for like 5 days and apparently almost killed my liver. Anyway they made me go to a mental hospital after that and started me on new meds and shit and I even made a couple friends for the first time in months. Anyway now that I'm out I'm still abusing drugs and feeling depressed and I think it's only a matter of time before I attempt again. I tried to hang myself in the hospital but one of the techs found me before it was too late. I dont have any life plans and I feel like my existence doesn't matter. I don't think the hospital helped and if anything it made some things worse because I'll never see the girls I made friends with in there again and I cant really make friends well. They approached me after all. I tired to get my life back on track and I went to an amusement park with a group of old friends but the whole time every ride was boring and I just felt left out of the group because I'm too awkward to I initiate any conversations. | 1 |
Getting cheated on way too much..I’m just gonna end it now. Let this be my note. | She just keeps cheating on me. Finding someone new. I look at her and I see how cold and beautiful she looks. She couldn’t feel a thing for me I swear. She claims she does care and does love me but turns around and destroys me abuses me neglects me and hurts me. Every guy she meets she somehow winds up liking and enjoying way better than me. I’ve been going through this 4 and a half years. I treat her so good but maybe that’s the problem because it allows her to take advantage of me. She just constantly cheats and cheats and cheats and lies and lies and lies and lies!!!!!
I tried to kill myself the other night but I just threw up all the pills. I think it’s time this time to end it for real. I don’t care anymore man I really don’t.
Either ways today is the today I’ve had enough. All the abuse physically and mentally. All the broken bones and broken hearts and jail visits and dead family members. I’ve had enough because I would rather join them wherever they are. I’m going to put all my stuff in my room as a gift to my family and leave a note telling them how much I love them and how much I’ve done for them and wish them luck in their incredibly bright futures. I’m going to leave one for her also so she can understand what she’s done to me and hopefully she can find someone who loves her better than I can.
I’m going to sit on the train tracks near my house. I’ve been up there before and even if the train tries to stop it won’t stop in time or I can surprise jump in from the bushes. If I pussy out I will drive to the city to drop myself from the top of a building. Thank you and have a good one. | 1 |
End of an 8 year marraige. | I find myself here often, just wondering what the point is anymore. I built a life with a woman whom I thought was the love of my life and she had an affair and left me. I was always supportive, kind and loving for all of her pursuits and dreams. Our sex life was great, we were always good to one another, no red flags just a lot of trust. I had encouraged her to quit her day job to pursue a business in her field of historic building preservation. I was earning enough money to cover our day to day bills and ultimately saw that her job was getting in the way of her dreams. She was hesitant because of obvious financially security that comes from a steady job, but nevertheless I believed in her and encouraged her to finally make the jump and work for herself. She’s been doing really well getting regular contracts and work while I worked my job holding down the house. Fast forward to present day after about 2 years of this arrangement and she falls for someone else and jumps ship within a month. It all happened so fast and I just feel so used and discarded. I left my career and my home and moved back to my hometown (5 hours away) after she said she didn’t want to be together anymore. I had built my life around supporting her dream because I just loved her whole heartedly and truly believed in her. I’m just lost now without her and have regular thoughts about ending my life. She lost her finically security from me but seems to have moved right along mean while I’m just falling apart. There’s goals and hobbies but they all seem so meaningless without her maybe I’m better off dead. | 14 |
Nothing makes sense anymore | I'm just make another plan, I'm gonna write all the letters again, I'm gonna find a quiet place, It have to be quick, I have a month, If I don't do it by then I'm just gonna be a problem like I am now
Just one more problem to deal with | 1 |
I don't see much of a point | I'm 16 and I struggle to see a point in continuing to live much longer. It's not that I think that I have a particularly bad life and I'm also not that sad alot of the time but I can't find a reason to stay living. Everytime I check things like news or check up on political discourse everything seems to get worse. The 2 things that really keep me from wanting to kill myself are that the lives of my little brothers would probably become significantly worse if my parents were bad at dealing with the grief. I also don't like the idea of wasting my Life because my grades are pretty good and I want to become an engineer. I've worked a lot to get into programs for that and keep my grades up and I don't want that all to be in vain. But at the end I also don't want to live in a world that's going to become hell because of 90 year old politicians that have no stakes to stop current problems. I don't want to be in a country that's regressing to where it was 100 years ago. My plan at the moment is to wait until I'm around 19 then get a simple setup where I inhale a certain large amount of nitrogen through a breathing mask over some time. As far as I know that death is pretty much guaranteed and not all too painful when I have the right dosage and it's also not hard to get the material. I don't know what I expect from posting here, I guess I just want to see if anyone here understands what I mean because I obviously can't tell anyone I actually know and to rant a little. | 1 |
Want to die | Nothing gets better, nothing ever changes. | 1 |
Killing myself tomorrow | Early morning prolly
Im like actually the worst guy on the planet right now. I dont even feel bad, like Im proud of myself for being such a bad guy. I cheated on n abused my ex n shes in therapy now for it. I have a great family n half of them Ive pushed to going full no contact with my ass. Still some of them wanna try n help me n shit, n theyre saying I can get better. I DONT WANNA GET BETTER. Thats why I gotta kill myself. All day everyday I just act like an asshole n it gets worse every day. Most of my friends have blocked me cuz they cant deal with me anymore. N im STILL proud of myself. I cant get enough of being a terrible person.
The last straw was at work on Monday. I punched a coworker n broke his nose. Hes an old fuckin man, n he didnt even do anything wrong. I started it by being a dick to him, n punched him when he stood up for himself.
I still have ppl telling me I deserve to live when I tell them about my shit. Think theyd still say that if THEIR nose was the broken one?
Ive made up my mind. Itll be the last bad thing I do. | 0 |
I tried to kill myself and now my fiance is mad at me |
Title basically. Posting here because no other subreddit will let me.
A few days ago I attempted and obviously I scared the shit out of my fiance. He's been very concerned about me but also distant. I sent him a message earlier basically saying that I'm sorry and I know he's sad and scared and probably mad but he needs to be taking care of himself because he isn't. He didn't deny being mad. I understand that and I deserve it. I broke him. If he broke up with me I'd understand.
I don't know what to do to help him recover. I don't know how to help myself. The ER sent me home knowing I attempted and still had a plan. I don't know where to go from here. I wish I had completed, at least then he would only have to go through this once. I still wanna kill myself but I can't completely destroy him so I'm just going to suffer. | 1 |
I just see no future for me that does not include suicide at some point. | At 26 this is just how I feel. I don’t like life. I’m incredibly insecure in myself, I have no confidence, barely any real friends, no social life, no joy.
I come home and play video games. I would like a partner but I know it won’t solve the problems I have with myself. It’s always going to be an issue. I feel seriously mentally ill. Some days I’m planning for my future other days I’m thinking of suicide.
The only thing I know is that these thoughts will never go away. They keep coming back and back. They will never go away. | 59 |
Feeling alone and unloved | Growing up I was very shy, introverted, and extremely lonely. I didn’t have very many friends or ever dated in high school. This along with probably some other issues has caused me to have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my life as a whole that were only challenged when I had my first relationship. My ex made me happy and feel somewhat normal, but it was long distance and the gap wasn’t closing so she had to move on. This absolutely crushed me and validated every negative thought I’ve had about myself. Since then I’ve realized how obsessed I became with her because I relied on her for my happiness, and that hasn’t changed even long after realizing that any love she may have had for me was totally gone. I don’t have any friends or family who show me any kind of love. At this point I’m starting to feel like I could try dating again and I feel like I can get over her, I mostly am, it’s just the feelings of love and validation and just feeling like a real person that I really miss but I think if I was loved by someone else I could move on from my ex completely or close to it. Problem is with all of my mental issues and baggage, I feel like I shouldn’t be dating. Besides who would want to be with someone dealing with a lifetime of loneliness and self hatred? I feel so awful all the time because I feel like I’m someone with a lot of love to give but nobody but an exception of one person who doesn’t talk to me anymore has ever wanted to give me any love. It’s taking a massive toll on my mental health but I just don’t know what to do. I know I need to work on myself and try to better my mental health if I want a partner, I guess I’m just worried the depression will kill me before I’m able to make those changes. I’m afraid that even if I do change I still won’t be loved. Nothing has ever made me want to kill myself more than this feeling of not being loved. I want to fix myself but the longer I take to fix, which even though I’ve been in therapy is still going to take awhile, I just don’t see this ending well. I’m already struggling with suicidal thoughts every day and this is probably nothing for most people. I get I’m weak. I just wish there was a way out. I wish I could be normal and worthy of love. | 1 |
Why wait until I hit rock bottom | I know it will never get better. I don’t have anybody, and I never will. I don’t leave my room because I know they have systems in place to pick right up where they left off.
It’s institutionalization disguised as freedom. They preselect people and paths and pretend like it’s my choice to make - when all the factors are preselected.
I hate them. I will never forgive them. They pumped toxic shit into my life, and expected gratitude.
I don’t enjoy life, might as well go out while I have my health and some cash.
So fucking disheartening making it through so many people ducking with me every year (including teachers and middle aged adults) then moving 14 hrs hours driving away from home to run into the same type of people connected to the same people again. That’s why I’m killing myself.
Because these people fucked with me every year. Then they let me know they will never leave me alone. They will also never tell me the truth.
Too much time has passed and too much of my life has been wasted. I’m not willing to overlook the last 6 years. After I turned 18 I should have been in the clear.
I’m done, and I hate all of you.
You’re the reason I didn’t do anything that involved other people, and you’re the reason I didn’t leave my house.
Again. I fucking hate all of you.
Shit fucking town. | 5 |
Another day, another complete let down | Unsurprisingly, a well deserved harassment complaint I put in against my neighbour has gone no where. The police spoke to her about her behaviour (practically stalking me & being utterly insufferable underneath me in response to even so little as my taps being turned on, stupid unhinged Karen type shit) and she denied everything, obviously.
They claimed she had "good reason" for sitting outside my window, watching me for long periods over 10mins in her car (I assume she told them something along the lines of "oh I just had to take a phone call!"...repeatedly) And that despite me having evidence of her sat in her car, via CCTV and my phone, pulling stupid faces at me through the window and being provocative and gross for over 10mins, that because I don't have a witness to it, or audio evidence of her then telling other people rancid lies about me immediately after, that they closed the case. Even suggested that me having CCTV installed after she kept repeatedly doing this, is making me feel worse, so I could just take it down if it's having an 'effect on me'. Fucking complete and utter joke. It's there to get evidence and act as a deterrent, it being there is not even vaguely what's causing upset. Not that it matters because they literally don't care even with evidence.
So basically they've just green lit her behaviour and she's still continuing, and completely okay to do so. I'm not surprised because let's face it, no matter where you are in the world police are shit but this really is the final straw.
They do less than nothing to protect people until they're physically assulted/murdered, then they only get a slap on the wrist. It's fucking abhorrent and unjust and half the time they don't care about things significantly worse than this either.
It's just another load of shit I have to deal with, and will continue to deal with daily until I fucking kill myself. Everyday I sit here like, maybe there will be something that will change my mind? Maybe something will deter me, but no, just more to confirm that it is infact the correct choice.
I honestly am so fucking glad this is the last few months I'll be here because this world is completely fucked. It's full of disgusting, henious, self centred people/bullies.
I'm so fucking done. | 1 |
I lost my job, my gf in the same week. and probably my apartment. I'm out of options. Having really bad thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore. | I'm really out of options now....
My gf left me. She claimed I was lying and two faced because I was telling people things that she didn't want other to know. I wasn't and she didn't believe me. I said people start rumors all the time. She didn't believe me. That hurt because I felt like I lost her trust and hurt her somehow. I don't like hurting people, especially when it's the ones I love...
She wanted space.
next day I had a manic episode at work and had a big breakdown in front of the entire staff. I know freaked her out when she heard and overwhelmed her. She said we needed space a few weeks ago and it was officially over Friday. I've been drinking before work every day for 2 week s because being at work was giving me anxiety.
Also rumors where stared at work about me and her since some of my co workers are mutual friends with my now ex.
The higher ups have noticed how I've been acting different at work. Not myself . Depressed and a total wreck most of the time.
My manager saw my open alcohol bottle in my backpack. Was fired on the spot. I also had it slightly on my breath.
Got fired and now my ex is looking at me like I'm crazy.
I was a supervisor at a retail company, worked there for 5 years. Always on time, super dependable.
Things got bad when I found out my sister is in prison for having drugs on her. This was a month ago. She's my big sister, my best friend and is a homeless drugg addict now. My mom is living out of her car trying to support my little brother. I live on my own in a studio apartment.
I felt an intense amount of depression knowing I am nowhere near where I want to be in life. I want to help my sister and little brother do good in life. I got depressed because I can't do anything for them because I'm just a stupid retail supervisor.
I was supposed to be the good one. The one who made it in life.
I brought that bad negative energy into my relationship and at work.
The general manager told me my performance has been going down for a month. That's around the time I got the bad news about my sister. Also that's when things became rocky in my relationship.
I overwhelmed my ex with my anxiety and depression. She said she needed space and we should talk less for the moment. I did not handle it well...
For the past few weeks I've been doing pain killers until I pass out from taking too many at once. I go into work intoxicated because I don't want the anxiety of being in a place where everyone is looking at me different and crazy. Everyone noticed I wasn't myself. There's people who look up to me there and I let them down.
Got fired Tuesday. Gf said it's officially over and now I'm jobless with a termination under my resume. 5 years of building my reputation. And now because I was too weak to handle my emotions like a man, it's all gone. I'm 29.
My employer still wrote me a letter of recommendation, and said he'll check on me every two weeks to see if I'm okay.
They know how I am. A team leader who everyone can work with and was always super dependable.
They're just concerned for my well-being at all his point..
They even said this isn't me and once I'm back to 100% I'll be able to return maybe.
They even said they'll do a separation, not a termination. Idk if they just said that or not.
I broke down in tears Tuesday night after I left the building from being fired. I got fired in the middle of my shift.
i was still drunk from when I started in the afternoon. I went to the liquor store, continued to drink until about 11pm.
I went to the highest parking garage in town , drunk out of my mind. I was gonna jump, but the fall probably wouldn't have killed me.
I passed out in the the parking garage staircase. Crying alone.
Non of my friends are responding to me because I've been manically texting everyone for the past week. They all are tired of me at this point and think I've gone completely crazy.
Maybe I have.
I have enough to pay rent, but it leaves me with $300 and I have other bills I cannot pay now.
I'm alone. And I'm not sure where I'll be in the next few weeks.
I built my entire life in this new town for 8 years just to have it crashing down in a few weeks.
I feel like I'm out of options. I wish I wasn't weak. I wish I listened to her when she kept telling me I'm doing the best I can.. looking back it was probably all in my head, she tried to tell me I think. Everyone said I was doing fine..
now everyone knows I'm crazy and are laughing at me..
My reputation is gone, my friends are gone and I'm left to do nothing but probably be homeless. Id rather not exist. I don't want to live with this humiliating shame and pathetic thing I call my life..
I just don't want to feel bad anymore.... | 3 |
How long am I supposed to wait until it gets "better"? | I have been waiting for 25 years, for 25 years i have been alive, and just when it think maybe, just maybe there is some light at the end of this tunnel, i realize the light was only more darkness, and more pain.
There almost seems to be a fetish, a desire to see suicidal people suffer more and more and more...why? Just because! No solutions given, no changed world, not even a dirge they offer. No, nothing, not one bit.
How long am I supposed to wait then? Another 10 years? 20 years? 50 years? How much longer until eventually the pain is just too much? Or is it, perhaps, that people cannot justify the pain, so instead they ignore it, or cannot see it. Like a man being burned alive, screaming in raw visceral torment, beyond comprehension, only for people to say "it gets better! "The flames are only temporary" "third degree burns are normal"
This gun that I want to buy...can end it all. It is a guarantee. Words are powerless, no strength, when it comes to reality. It is easier to die than for the system to admit how messed up it all is, drowning in my own blood and excrement, as if I am worse than trash. Yet, you lie to me and say I have value, while stepping over me? Mocking me? Disgusted at me?
Madness...and it is said I am insane. I have had enough. | 2 |
I think I’m done | I think I’m done living. It’s been years of endless therapy, hospital visits and medications. I’m starting to think that my mental illnesses are treatment resistant and that I’ll be like this forever. I don’t want that. I refuse to live like this any longer. I will be killing myself. Can I have one last chat with someone before I do? I need to get stuff off my chest. I need to feel relieved. | 3 |
I have given up on life, but I can’t bring myself to commit suicide | I (21m) have struggled with depression since I’m around 17 years old. I had some suicidal thoughts back then, but seeing back it was basically nothing compared to now. I started seeing a psychologist immediately and was still living with my parents so things weren’t as bad, I felt hopeful, like I was gonna get over it. After turning 18 (I don’t even remember if that was my age since I’ve felt numb about time these years) I had to leave the country because of legal issues, I was denied residency because I was majority of age while the rest of my family got accepted. The day I left, I hugged my family as we cried and left with my father to the airport. It was a low blow for me, but I still had hopes that I will be again with my family and that things will be back to normal. When I reached the airport I hugged my dad and he cried as he hugged me, my father has always been a tough guy, the type that doesn’t cry or at least he rarely shows it to me, I can imagine that he was feeling impotent about this situation, he fought really hard to get us to live all together yet his firstborn was about to leave the country not out of his own will. I said my goodbyes to him and left. I went to a different country and stayed with a friend of mine, my best friend that was also denied residency in the same country as me. It was only the two of us and his brother (which we don’t like but isn’t relevant for this story) and sometimes his mother, which was like an aunt to me, she would visit to check on us and sometimes would stay for the night as she worked as a maid for an old woman and could only stay with us on special occasions. During the first years I was feeling like shit, but I was functional. I had to re-do school because they wouldn’t accept my grades from the other country since it was in another language, this same thing happened when I tried to go to school there aswell, so I had to re-do Secundary school 3 times (the other two were much quicker as I already knew a fair amount of things from all the classes except history and languages obviously) except this one was secondary-school for adults, since I was already 18. The people in my class were mainly middle aged men and women, they weren’t bad people or unlikable in any a particular way, but the age gap made it hard for me to become friends with them, although I was always respectful to them. While I was re-doing secundary school I also did some calisthenics along with my best friend, eventually got into gym and would spend my free time playing videogames or reading. During those years I was still seeing my psychologist by online sessions. Even with my depression I was still able to do these things, there were days were I wanted to skip school and gym badly, but never gave into the idea as I knew I needed to keep my mind distracted in order not to lose it. A few years passed by and I graduated secondary school for the third time and I would begin high school soon. I gotta say that looking back at those time I realize that I didn’t have it as bad, I didn’t have any friends (besides the one I live with) or girlfriends, but at least the guy in my head was taking it easy on me. I was talking daily with my family and weekly with my psychologist, following almost every advice she gave me. After some time I finally started high-school, and since I was 19 at the time, I also had to go to high-school for adults. This was a new experience to me, even tho most of my friends from my country had already graduated high-school and my friends from the country I was denied residency had started a year earlier than me. The first weeks were for introduction and presentations, then we started seeing lessons, i did some school works and exams, wasn’t doing the best but it could have been worse. A few months pass by and I started to arrive late, I couldn’t focus at studying and wasn’t sleeping properly and after a few weeks of this, one day I decided not to go and let the bed win. I first skipped one day, then 2, then a week, until one day I decided to stop going. I let my thoughts win but I still had hope that I will go back in the right track. I decided to focus on the gym while I waited to for around the time when schools will accept students again (English is not my first language so I don’t know the name of that period) since I was kicked for skipping class. A few months pass by and I try once more, but I was once again skipping classes. I couldn’t sleep at all at nights and found myself still awake 1 hour before my alarm clock rings. At that moment I begin losing hope. I stopped doing my online sessions with my psychologist, I slowly stopped going to the gym, I started to call my family less often until I stopped calling them at all, I would only answer their calls but recently that has started to become less and less too, they don’t know the truth about my state of mind and how much of a failure I am. I started to isolate myself in my room, not even bothering to eat or shower sometimes. I started to avoid my best friend and whenever I couldn’t (since we live together) and had to talk to him, I wouldn’t even look at him in the eye. We’ve reached the present, I’m writing this in my room. I think almost everyday about ending my own life, but I won’t do it. I’ve made a deal with myself, I will finish reading some mangas I said I would finish, some of those are still ongoing and don’t seem to be ending any time soon. I won’t do it until I read their ending, but I feel miserable everyday of my life. I don’t wish to cause my family pain, and that’s another reason why I haven’t done it. Every day I wake up and I hope I died in some way. I started to do things that would kill me in the long run, like eating trash food or whenever I actually shower, I would shower with cold water, and stay in until I start shaking from how cold I am, hoping I’d catch a cold one day and die in my bed (I know I could just probably lick the floor something and get sick quicker, but I also do the cold water in some form of self harm and also I don’t want to puke because I licked the floor). I truly don’t think it gets better and all I’m doing is prolonging the inevitable. | 14 |
I can't do it | I'm losing hope thick and fast, I was made redundant from my job (I hated it, but it paid really good) now I'm struggling to even get interviews for jobs paying half the salary I was on before. I've put on weight, I hate how I look, my life is falling apart, my parents are approaching end stages of their own lives. I really need to step myself into gear and fix everything but all I want to do is rot in bed. I can't keep fighting. I'm 33, I'll never be young and beautiful again and now I don't even have a job. I'm such a failure. | 1 |
Everything can be going for you, yet it won't ever be enough. | Yeah, so. Everything that's in the title.
I worry about almost nothing. I live with a loving and very supportive family, and have a lot of very worthwhile goals lined up. I have a lot of things I'm interested in and love to do. I'm still young and there's nothing in my way.
And yet.
You know that feeling when you've been awake for a really, \*really\* long time? I feel like I've been up all night, every day, my entire life. No amount of sleep or lifestyle change is enough. Lately, not even the worst of my vices (binging) alleviates the numbness, so I've stopped doing that. I guess that's one upside.
It's really bad today. | 6 |
No self control | Failing a ton of college classes, sleeping during the day and awake during the night talking with friends who don't even like me all that much. Heartbroken from someone I didn't even date. Didn't get any internships. Giving myself medical problems because I lack self control. On my phone for 8 hours a day. No money for therapy or a potential adhd diagnoses. Wasting my parents money. I hate myself. | 1 |
I feel alone | Past three years have been pretty rough on both mental and physical health of mine. And now for almost a year I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts.
Everything just feels pointless.Nobody loves me and nobody cares about me.
Feel like my family hates me.I was favorite child until 4 years ago when I decided that I’m the one who is controlling my life and that I will do whatever I want with it.They started hating me because I am not fulfilling their wishes of what college should I go to or what job should I do etc.They started hating me because I’m not fulfilling the ideas and plans that they created in their minds for my future.They started hating me for being myself and not some robot who will do whatever they say.
Since not doing what they want me to do I have been through constant insulting every single day like I’m nothing like I’m not a human being like I’m not part of their family like I don’t deserve nothing.This psychological torture really got me even deeper in this suicidal spiral.
And it was certainly not helpful with my anxiety and depression.Everything just got worse.
Having no real friends.Was a part of a lot of friend groups where everyone loved me but was that one group friend that is not invited to anything and that is not important.There are three persons that I call my friends but it really doesn’t feel like they are.I rarely see them,and rarely chat on social media with them.And lately they have been getting on my nerve because I don’t think that they are good people.One is homophobic,one is intellectually on a teenagers level and I don’t want to be the mom friend who fixes everyone problems it’s draining,and the third one is a good person but we live in different cities we can’t really see each other often.I don’t feel love from them.I don’t feel love from everybody.
It certainly isn’t helpful being gay in homophobic country and surroundings.I can’t find love even with a partner because I don’t even know how to find boyfriend where I live. Also having problem with thinking that nobody wants to date me because I’m struggling with loosing weight and my body is not good looking.I’m jumping from one eating disorder to another one and constantly loosing weight then gaining it back.It’s just not healthy.
Have no job and don’t want to find one because my anxiety and depression make me really scared and unmotivated to do or to look for a job.
Surprisingly I have good opinion about myself.I really think that I’m smart,intelligent,have a beautiful face,funny,entertaining,talented and creative.But all those thing feel worthless when I’m not loved and can’t find love even in people that I love.
I’m sitting in my house most of the time,I’m alone most of the time,everyone is judging me,nobody is loving me.It just kills me every day little by little and don’t know how long I will last like this.
I have so many creative and good ideas in my mind that I want to release into the real world but my motivation is not existing and I just sit here wasting my time.
I’m constantly sad.Hopefully one day it will get better if it’s not to late and I end this journey of mine.Didn’t think that all of this would happen at being only 20,it’s hard. | 2 |
I lost my bf and I can't anymore | He was really everything i had left i am just a 16 years old girl, I can't anymore i wanna die | 0 |
I am going to take my own life today. | I have no job no future, I live in a small village or town with no jobs prospects, have 0.00 in my account.
I don't like where I live or where I am in my life, I think sucide is easier I do want a career it's not possible to have a job or a career where I am there is no bus.
I have never had a girlfreind, there is no dating that happens here in the town I'm 25 now.
​ | 1 |
22f please help me live | Hi, I'm (22f) suffering from multiple chronic conditions, PTSD, and idealising suicide.
I have lived with chronic pain since I turned 13, it stems from an untreatable, degenerative disorder that isn't taken seriously by the NHS. I first prepared to unalive myself at 14 when I was at my first lowest point.
When I was 16 I was SA'd and Rpd by the son of a senior sergeant at my local police force. Here I started my ED's and SH.
I tried to end it all again during my first and second year's at university but the police got involved and I was given psychiatric help.
When I was 21 I drank myself into A&E with kidney failure but survived.
I graduated with a geochemical masters degree June 2022 and I've had a hell of a year wherein I started a PhD in London, got SA'd again, faced misogyny from my supervisor and eventually packed up and came home.
I've been waiting for the paperwork for an entry level job I have been offered to be finalised, but this is my second month since confirming my place that I'm still unemployed.
I recently had a biopsy on my esophagus and two surgeries on my foot, so I can't walk/ do much of anything and I don't know if I have cancer or not.
My parents can't talk to me, my dad's suffering from Alzheimer's and my mother's an alcoholic. My younger sister is leaving home for an amazing job opportunity and I don't ever like to burden her with my issues bc she doesn't deserve that.
I find myself wondering why tf I'm still here. I am fairly pretty and intelligent but I have no friends and have been disowned by a lot of my family. Please can someone lend a kind word or literally anything that I can cling onto to stop myself from doing something drastic (again)? I'm normally unemotional and dissociated from life but rn my heart feels like its skewered on a red hot poker and I'm crying for the first time in years.
Please tell me what I should do | 23 |
This is awful, I don't want to be in this place anymore. | I want to leave. Whether it be permanent or temporary, I want to get out of this place. I don't want to be in my skin any more. Every moment of peace ends eventually. Does pain end though? Is this my statis quo? All I know is stress. All I know is unfulfillment. When will this brain recognize peace and fulfillment as the statis quo? Are things going downhill or uphill? Is peace powered by ignorance and cognitive dissonance? I've lied to myself plenty of times. Is hope even a thing? Is it just a placebo? Should I live just to experience the next short-lived high? Do I have anything to confront? Should I buy some kratom to temporarily leave this headspace?
Do I want to connect to people? Who do I even want to connect with? There's something in me that wants to, I think. When I do it, it doesn't feel like much at all. There's a lot of "social games" people play. I don't have hobbies or interests that I strongly connect with. It all feels so weak and superficial. I'm tired of lying and saying I like this and that when "like" barely means a thing. Who would want to talk to a flat, boring guy with weak interests and no ambitions anyway? I think I care about music and drawing and stuff when I have the energy, but to an extent, it's all there to distract my sad, empty self. Can't those things just be there to bring me normal joy without the "escapism" element?
Sometimes I wonder if there could be a way to scientifically prove that I'm better off dead. Without the intervention of emotional bias from myself or strangers of course. Sometimes the bouts of pain outweigh the bouts of peace far too heavily. I wish I could have these kinds of answers. People are very emotional. They want what they want. If postponing a suffering person's death makes them happy, they'll fight for it. Some people are genuinely helpful, and I promise I'm not trying to gaslight the kind souls who know how to help in specific contexts. But to continue on what I was saying, I think the Right To Die concept/movement is great in my opinion. It takes a more scientific approach to suffering without our emotional biases and magical thinking about life/death. I guess all of this is beside the main point. I'm just full of confusion and want to be done here. | 2 |
I'm really tired. My life before the war was terrible and now it's unbearable. | I thought that the war will quickly end and my life will improve, but the war lasts more than a year and will not end soon, and my life is getting worse, no girlfriend, no friends, no money, no health, nothing to live for.I am tired I just should not be a coward and must die. | 2 |
Relapse, Regret and Self-Loathing | I've been meaning to make this post for awhile now. This post will be fairly long so please bear with me. I'll try not too make it too boring. For anyone who actually reads this whole pitiful venting rant of mine, I can say I am deeply grateful for that. Firstly, I just want to say I have been lurking this subreddit for awhile now and even though I tend to be a selfish prick by nature I really feel for you guys and your awful plight.
I commend you guys for making it this far through the nightmare of existence, especially since some of your situations are objectively much worse than mine. I know it doesn't mean anything but I really hope that somehow we can all find some semblance of peace in this merciless chaos even if it's just for awhile before we make the final decision to exit stage left.
A short introduction to me- I am a 34 year old male and I'm a total loser and failure by every possible metric. I have bipolar depression type II and take lithium for it. It seemed to be working decently for awhile and helped me to remain relatively emotionally balanced but now the lithium does next to nothing. I also have problems with insomnia and I am medicated for that as well. I also have thyroid disease which I take pills for too. I feel like it's already over for me if I have to swallow this amount of pills every morning just to trudge through my dreary life like an unmotivated apathetic zombie. My mind feels mutilated beyond repair. I don't see anyway to change this.
I have a phobia of driving so I don't have a drivers license. I work wage slave jobs and can only seem to hold them down for around four months at a time before I get fired for failure to show up due to mental breakdowns and general psychological turmoil. I failed at going to college for the same reason. I tried joining the army when I was younger and was passionate about the idea of being and infantry soldier but I was rejected due to being psychologically unfit. I also have quite a few slash scars on my body from razor-blades so that didn't help. "Psychologically Unfit" Oh boy how correct they were on that assessment. I am psychologically unfit for life, a genetic aberration.
I like to daydream about achieving something noteworthy and having my family and ex-girlfriend praise me and be proud of me for once but I know that is such a massive cope and impossibility. I am a pitiful and pathetic creature and I'm surprised I can even tie my shoes correctly. I have zero talents and skills. I am a maladaptive daydreamer who always has my head in the clouds. I guess that's my way of dealing with my grim depressing reality.
I've never liked myself and have always found the idea of liking myself totally alien and unfathomable. I was bullied a lot as a kid and my self-esteem has always been in the toilet. When I hit my twenties I began to battle my insecurities and make some type of name for myself. I got really into pumping iron and bodybuilding and developed a decent muscular physique. I am also into gothic-industrial music, death metal music and such and my appearance and wardrobe has reflected that fact for most of my life.
I embraced being an outcast freak and adopted a "hyper-masculine hardcore prince of darkness" type of persona for myself. This was partially a way to try to earn respect and acceptance within the subculture and also to ward away all the people who want to disparage and belittle me. My own way of fighting back against a world I felt had shunned me.
The fact that there are actually some people out there in the world who think I am some tough and dangerous dude is wildly amusing to me. In reality I am the type of guy who sits alone in his room at night listening to The Cure and Depeche Mode while crying and writing sad poetry in my journal. I'm just overcompensating for being such a sad and scared little boy who wants to crawl back into his mothers womb. I'm sure many see right through my crumbling facade though.
I got heavy into drinking and became an alcoholic and then developed a crystal meth habit. I was an addict for two years and was thrown into rehab by my parents. I got and stayed clean for two months before relapsing for another few months. After that I managed to stay clean and sober for two and a half years without so much as touching a single cigarette or beer but then slowly my self-destructive and hedonistic instincts overwhelmed me again and I started downing bottles of vodka after work.
One weekend I ended up running into someone at a motel who had crystal meth and I caved and smoked with them in a motel room like the total lunatic and idiot I am. That threw me back into the meat-grinder of insanity and self-destruction. I began smoking a lot of meth again and would show up to work after not having slept for 72 hours and I would do manual labor while hallucinating.
The fact that I would willingly poison myself like this and put myself through this heinous hell yet again is proof that I am consumed by a deep-rooted self-hatred and self-loathing. I don't know how I haven't learned my lesson from my past of addiction and all it's agony. I am too much of a coward to just go ahead and commit suicide so I do it slowly through substance abuse. Hopefully one of these days I will somehow work up the courage to just shoot myself in the head and be over with it once and for all. It's doubtful but a man can dream I suppose.
I am high right now as I type this post. Even tweakers don't like tweakers. That was the last of my supply and I'm going to attempt to get and stay clean again but this shit is so brutally hard. I am completely wracked with shame, guilt and regret for my inexcusable actions. I'm a bad person and my wonderful parents deserved a better son and not to be cursed with a burden and wretched fool like me for a child. It's not fair to them at all. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through this again. I'm so alone.
I feel like I will be thrown into rehab or some mental institution soon and treated like a contemptible invalid if I can't get a grip on things and I really don't want that. God I miss my ex-girlfriend so much. I felt so alive in her presence. She made me smile and laugh. Made me feel human for once in my life. I want to try to live long enough just to see her again even if its just once.
I'm desperate in my brokenness and I don't know what to do anymore. I keep falling down, falling down back to the same miserable and desolate chasm and I feel too weak and weary to climb back up again.
I fear the future. | 1 |
I’m sick of myself and there’s no point in anything anymore. | I just don’t want to be here anymore. | 2 |
I don't feel human anymore | I'm doing the worst I think I ever have.
I haven't gotten out of bed in three days. I'm moving next week, so I need to pack, I just can't manage it. I put in my two weeks notice at work without finding a replacement. I've been eating so little that I've lost 25 lbs over the last month or so. I have officially distanced myself so that I don't have any friends or family anymore. I'm not upset at them. I did this to myself on purpose. My fingers are all peeled and bleeding from picking the skin away. My hair is matted. I have bruises from where I hit myself when I am awake, and I rotate melatonin/alcohol/kava/benadryl to stay asleep as much as possible. I know if I don't, I'll hurt myself.
I am currently on antidepressants. I have told my family that I'm suicidal. Flat out. They don't care. Or maybe they don't know what to do? I don't know. I just don't know. I'm going to sleep after this again, I just don't get what the point of being alive is anymore. Sleeping is the closest I can be to death. It's the only time I feel better. I just want to be left alone. I just want to rot.
I grew up getting abused and I worked hard to go to college and get the degree and the relationship and the job. I did that. I'm 24 and I made more than my parents combined. Its not worth it though. I hate the act of being alive just as much. It's like I'm not a person and I've spent all this time trying to act like one. If I should do what makes me happy for once, that would be never waking up again. | 1 |
Goodbye | Goodbye Laura. Thanks for the great memories, I hope I can forget them soon. I want to be somebody else | 2 |
Once I find a good method , I'm done | null | 14 |
I’m scared | I’m just so tired, I’ve been trying so hard to get better. I’m even medicated, yet I feel so sad all the time and it’s making me crazy. I had an argument with my brother and mom, I went to my room and took 9-10 of my anti depressants. It’s barely any, Idk if its even a suicide attempt when I didn’t take more. I felt nothing, I took them calmly not feeling a thing. Now I’m crying, scared, not wanting to die. I went from suicidal to fearing death. I don’t wanna go to sleep, I feel like I’ll wake up dead. | 1 |
Why do I crave death so badly | null | 2 |
I’m losing it! Idk what to do | Hey sorry for this weird post but idk where else to speak.. I’m basically stuck inside my own mind.. i wanna scream but i cant. My mental health is getting worse and despite taking a lot of medicine… nothing seems to help me now. Im going to end it all please idk what to do | 2 |
Should I do it | Im already self conscious about everything and have social anxiety. Im in an emotional abusive relationship. It makes me want to just quit life. | 2 |
I want to die without anyone knowing. | I want to off myself. But I don't want anyone knowing that I did it. I don't want people to find my body. My plan is to quit my job and burn all my ids and documents so I'm unable to be identified. But I'm stuck as to how to go about doing it. I don't want to my remains to be traced back to my family. I will square away all my debt. And try going ofgrid. I just want to dissappear so no one will know that I'm dead. | 5 |
I HAVE NO HOPE | WHY ME
WHY ALWAYS ME | 2 |
Tonight | Well I've just gone and fucked it up with the only person who cares about me. I'm killing myself tonight by sneaking out of the house and trying to find a tree I can tie this rope to and that can carry my body weight which shouldn't be hard as I'm not that heavy. I'm sorry for existing. | 2 |
I feel so selfish | I genuinely believe if I died there would be a good amount of people who would be sad, even if briefly, but I’m finding it hard to care. My boyfriend is asleep holding me as I write this and all I can think about is dying. I hate myself so fucking much and if I stay alive I’m just gonna hurt him with how much I constantly let him down, probably more than if I died. I hate myself for thinking like this but I can’t stop. I don’t offer the world anything of value, I’m a parasite to everyone who has the displeasure of knowing me. Im too fucking spineless to even kill myself but I wish I could just fucking get it over with | 3 |
Help me. | I'm too young to move out, if I could, I would. I'm not allowed to have social media, including reddit, so I'm on a account I just made and that I'm probably going to delete after this. I also might be on the wrong sub, but I dont know where else I can post. Right now my dads been staying away from him in airbnbs, hotels, and anything to stay away from us. My moms been stressed about it and taking it out on me and my siblings, but me the most of everyone, since everyone does that to me. I've been feeling more suicidal with every day. I have mental breakdowns every night and I consider kms every night. I'm constantly told how I'm worthless and shit and how nobody likes me from my entire family. I don't know what to do anymore. Somebody please help me. There is nobody in my life I can talk to. | 3 |
hi friends | I am NOT meaning any suicide attempts in this post. I need my community advice, please 🫂
its been a while i did not check in here, i was trying to do my best with my CPTSD, depression and suicidal thoughts.
to work hard, to build meaningful connections, to create a fututre plan, to find a better medication, better doctor
the true is
I'm so tired of it.
don't i deserve to let myself to just give up? and just live life as it is..
not to fight against it, not to struggle with trying to be normal and live happy. maybe I never will again
I think doing something radical in life might be it.
Like buying one way ticket to the foreign country, volunteering for food and shelter at the monastery etc.
Maybe there is should be some specific healing place on Earth? I've got nothing to loose, to not to try.
Any thoughts, ideas, recommendations are welcome. What would you do? | 3 |
Why am I still Sad about my Life | I stopped going to school, I stopped being unhealthy I exercise more now, and I'm happy about how my friends are all graduating. But why am I still sad, am I sad about how I feel like im useless, or am I just done with life, I'm so tired of being looked at like a freak. Everyone around me are so damn happy. and why can't I have that, why is it so easy for other people to be happy. Why cant I do normal things like others. Why am I still alive. Being alone is so suffocating I yearn for others to notice me, I want to have friends again, why am I like this, why do people not like me, if anyone's reading this Don't reach out, I'm to far out, I'm to far gone, just please if you have friends that are struggling help them, watch for signs, like if they keep leaving you on read and making up excuses like I had a chore to do without giving specifics, and if they just don't answer ur calls, and they give you and excuse that they had plans. just please keep checking up on them. I'm losing time, my time here is almost at its end, I did a lot, I played all of my favorite games I spent extra time with my family. I am happy, I'm ready, and yes i know this sounds crazy but, there is no way I'm going to get better. This is a life I don't want to keep living. And it's not my family that i want to leave, i just cant keep living like i need to see the next day, that's not living that's just surviving. Also anyone who's reading this, can you do me a favor? I'm planning on ending it at the end of august, so when its exactly august 31, 11:50, can you look up to the stars and say my name, Mico. | 1 |
I wish I was actually brave enough to end it | I'm tired. I don't like myself or being alive. Even though nothing is really wrong with my life. I never liked myself and I am tired but I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself. I also don't want to traumatize my loved ones. So I'm just waiting to die. | 6 |
Wish things were different | Long story short I'm halfway drunk currently, hours after finding out the love of my life, the mother of my children, my ex... Has found happiness in another guy. "He's not like you, he makes me happy, he doesn't get mad like you".... It's been 8 months since we split. We have 2 kids ages 4 and 2.5.... All I wanted was to somehow someway have another chance and find happiness with her again. Struggling the entire time cause of the situation, she found another man.... I feel numb, I feel alone, I'm nervous and anxious to reach out to anyone. I literally drink my life away every night hoping that God will take me in my sleep. I don't wanna die because of my kids, but it is so fucking hard to continue on in a life that feels worthless. I've said to her before that she'll find another man better than me, better father than me... And the time has come. And I really can't explain how I feel right now. I wanna cry but I can't. I feel numb after and just wish everything was over | 3 |
Question | How lethal is it to down a bottle of bromazepam with vodka and is there any long term damage in case of survival? | 1 |
My therapist said something I think might help some of us | I've got a new job. Hang on, don't celebrate just yet.
I've used to be a clerk at my city's council chaimbers: worked dor 6 moths as an intern (second undergrad at the time), then another 3 months as a "hired" one. Keep in mind that "nominated" people earn 3x what a "hired" does. I've trained 3 generations of "nominateds", plus 2 bosses.
One beautiful autumn morning, the most important councilman told his secretary to call me into his office and fire me. The excuse: the actual chaimbers' building needed a new guard bc of 3 chandeliers worth at least 15 grand each. There were a bunch of guardmen doing nothing.
A couple of weeks later, the first boss I've trained called me aside and told me the real reason (as a "nominated", she knew some internal gossip I was not privy to), saying big boss did not like that in that one meeting I didn't even remember anymore I got into the meeting room 2 steps behind him. That got me pissed.
1 month of unemployment, and I'm an apathetic wreck. Had 3 cats die on my hands this year, by either disease or accidents, so you can see my state of mind.
Got a new job a few weeks ago as an English teacher to 3 elementary schools. The hours are very demanding: I wake up at 4h30am, get the bus at 5h30am, class from 7am to 5pm, then another commute of around 2h, depending on traffic.
Last week I didn't go to work on Wednesday. The minute I put my foot at the street, I had a violent panic attack. Managed to get an emergency meeting with my therapist and told her not all of that, but that I was having suicidal ideation. That's when she said: "Maybe you don't want to die, but to take control of your life, which has changed a lot in little time."
So I think that maybe - JUST MAYBE - some of us need to take control, not just desperate measures.
Lots of love. | 2 |
So tired | So tired
of the endless loop of life,
I just want to sleep all the time,
I feel so selfish which makes me want to disappear more. | 8 |
My female family member committed suicide attempt help | A female family member of mine attempted to do suicide. I am at Peshawar. Please tell me someone how can I help her as she used a sharp Razer blade to cut her wrist and the wounds are visible help please help. | 0 |
I'm not feeling it today | I feel deflated today, I'm really not feeling it. Everyone would be furious of I off myself. I wanna go back in time and get life right this time. | 1 |
I am struggling | I feel as if everything is falling apart and I have no idea what to do, I don't understand what's happening, I don't wanna understand what's happening I just want peace and fucking quiet is all, at this point I'm willing to do anything to achieve that, I am a selfish person who has ruined people's lives, folks like me just simply do not deserve a second chance at life, I do not have anyone at least in the real word who would be saddened or shocked by the news of my passing, the people that would have? All driven away because of my actions. I should be in an actual prison right now, that would be much better than this theoretical prison which I plan to escape from soon. | 1 |
I’m so easy to break | I pretend I’m tough and strong. I’m not. I’m just angry and snappy. But still weak. Apply pressure and I’ll crumble. I’ll fold like the bitch I am. I’ve always been weak. Always sought and longed for safety and respect. And for whatever reason could never truly own up to what a sad sack weakling I am. Not for long anyway. I hate feeling so pathetic… | 1 |
For my cunt of a mother | Dear heinous bitch, I’m going to fucking kill myself so hopefully you realize how horrible you are. You’re selfish and cruel and I want to fucking punch you. You’ve abused me my whole life and you fucking suck. There’s a reason no one fucking likes you and I’m about to show you I don’t like you either. See you in hell, cunt. | 4 |
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