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I might end it all | Im 18f. I feel so numb as I’m writing this. It’s so hard to move my hands and I can’t see. My eyes are just overflowing with tears. I’ve been so depressed the last past days.I was going to attempt the other day. I didn’t and I don’t know why. I don’t want to live. I’m only living for others. I like being happy but I don’t care if I am anymore. I’ve been in and out of hospitals one long term that lasted 2half months. I’ve had a horrible life and I know I will never recover.I cut myself. My arms have bad scars.I was 3 months clean and I started cutting again. I can’t go to a hospital because I’ve been traumatized by them. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My parents don’t like hearing about it obviously.I’ve tried therapy and coping and distracting. I can’t do online anymore cause my last online therapist said I can’t do it since I have a threat of self harm and that someone should be in the room with me.My parents have tried hard.I have no one except some few online friends. I have no real life friends. I’m ugly,I’m unlovable,I’m not funny,I’m too sensitive,I’m a burden. No matter how many times people tell me I’m good I’m pretty I’m funny. I know their lying.I’ve realized how alone I will be when I’m older. I never got a normal life.I never had a real childhood.My bio mom doesn’t love me so how can anyone else. I’ve been groomed,Sa,Abused,abandoned,lied to. So many people have been telling me to kill myself. I want to die so bad. I have no help. I have no one. I dropped out of highschool because no matter who I reached out for help they never did. I told my parents,principles,teachers,my case manager.I was just told I’m not trying hard enough. When I dropped out I was pressured into a job at a fast food and people yelled out stuff about my arm. A coworker was being overly flirty with me.I’m being threatened to get kicked out if I don’t find a job. I plan to end it if I do get kicked it out. Same if my parents die.I’ll have nothing. It already feels like my life is very dull. No one loves me and I’m too crazy for anyone to even be around. I just want it to all go away. I’m in so much pain but I’m not at the same time. | 8 |
I fucked my life up, and I struggle to find any way to make it better other than this. | (Tw for self harm, suicide, sexual assault, and abuse) Years ago I (22FtM, 19 at the time) ran away from home to live with internet friends and dropped out of college. I was heavily medicated (which to my psychotic mind was sedation to keep me complacent) and being emotionally abused by my grandfather.
I ran away with internet friends I didn’t know. At the time, the lack of food, reliable clean water, and money felt like freedom to me. But I wasn’t well. I was tired, unshowered, and sick. I flunked out of all my classes. A man a few years my senior and I got together and he took me back home to live with some non-abusive relatives, and I soon got pregnant. Me and this ex (called S throughout here) got along in the first couple months, but grew sexually manipulative and coercive. I couldn’t actually recognize the behavior on my own. I had my child, and his behavior got worse until it reached a peak I could never have expected, and I got a restraining order. Because of everything that had happened, or maybe because if there’s a god, he’s cackling at me, I struggle to bond with my child like I’m cursed. I’ve tried so many times.
No one in my family believed me. And I guess that makes sense- I was mentally ill and, from what I’ve heard from other family members, some kind of mentally delayed.
I tried to end my own life one night, and an online friend reached out. He gave me options, convinced me to put my weapons down.
I wasn’t allowed to bring my daughter when I fled the state and that doesn’t exactly surprise me. I was threatened with legal action by all of my family members.
Since that point, I did have a good life for a while. I visited my family irregularly. I lived with the man who talked me down that night, and I was so in love with him.
But I’m a fucking idiot. And I ruined that for myself too. I regret every moment of ruining it, moving back home, and sitting in my basement all day.
I’ve tried having a job. I’ve tried “getting back out there” but almost every single day I try to end my own life. I’ll cut, drink, do drugs, smoke, and recently I even tried hanging myself. I thought certainly that would do it, but I can’t even tie a knot right.
My one saving Grace was my internet friends. I lost quite a bit of them last night, though.
I think the 26th is a good day to put the breaks on this train-wreck. I just don’t know if I should be at peace or not. It’s been weeks and the thoughts won’t stop. | 5 |
already dead | Normies don’t realize that people who are alive can have no hope at all, four years and years and years. Some people don’t experience laughter, happiness, love or really any positive emotion at all. The he quality of life between humans is so large it’s incomprehensible. Life is simply not fair. Some peoples bodies are still alive but their spirit it totally dead. Shells of their former selves. Life can do that to you in so many ways. Fuck this place | 4 |
Life is ridiculous. Just a string of inescapable bullshit and I want it to end. | null | 15 |
Im not even sad | I just dont feel anything. There is nothing in life to look forward to. I wish I could give my life to a terminally ill child or something. It seems like such a waste to just shoot myself and be done with it. But I hate being alive, and I hate having to wake up everyday for nothing. | 18 |
i’m gonna be gone soon | i normally don’t vent like this so forgive me, but i honestly cannot do this anymore. my thoughts are consuming me everyday and there’s no way out. i’ve tried just about everything that was supposed to help and none of it does. not the constant new medications that get thrown at me without my consent, not the talk therapy, not the trauma therapy, and not the 12 psych admissions that i’ve had in the past three years. none of it. i beg and plead for the people around me to help me and they don’t take me seriously. i have such a high acuity that none of the psych hospitals in my state will take me anymore for fear of liability and i don’t see a reason to keep living if there’s no resources. i’ve self harmed since 11 and i’ve smoked weed for the past three years and those are the only two things that have helped at all. i’ve smoked so much that my tolerance is astronomically high so at this point i just get a bit buzzed but the thoughts are still very much there whereas before, i could smoke and get distracted by other things which would help. the cutting has always helped but my family makes fun of me for it because it’s usually pretty severe. i was diagnosed with a pain disorder when i was 12 as a result of a venomous snake bite and that has completely destroyed my quality of life. i can’t walk normally which makes everyday tasks very difficult and i’ve just resorted to staying in my bed 24/7. i was also sexually abused for a number of years which has made me use unsafe sex as a coping mechanism. i get excited for the attention but then after it’s all over i realize i’m just getting used for my body which then leads to the cutting. it’s a never ending cycle. anyways, i’m gonna say my goodbyes and start preparing tonight. i’ve had enough. if you read all of this i want to say thank you, and i hope that anyone who is struggling finds the courage to keep fighting and persevere in the way that i wish i could. | 3 |
lol | i keep forgetting that even if i do get over my depression and don’t kms, im still gonna die anyway! it’s inevitable and i fucking forget that. tryin so hard to not end my life when it’s bound to happen so what’s the poooint? i don’t feel like going through this struggle for decades more like seriously what’s the point? like fuck u if you’re gonna call me selfish. committing suicide will be the only time i put myself first for once. been a people pleaser my whole life. i hate this world . it’s gone to utter shit, everyone sucks and greed is ruining everything. my sister was right , im too weak for this world. i lost myself a long time ago | 3 |
Time doesn’t heal all wounds | Idk what to do anymore, I lost everything, I had a beautiful gf who had a great career and her family loved me and I ruined it. It’s now been 4 years and I’m still not over it. Gained 70 pounds and I haven’t left my couch since COVID and haven’t been able to hold down a job. I became a gambling and just eat all day. I’m in Debt, I’m fat, and i can’t stop thinking about what I lost every second of the day for 4 years now. | 12 |
Is there a point in trying if you know you'll never be happy? | I dread everyday and feel nothing but anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.
What's the point in trying if nothing makes me happy? | 4 |
Finally ready! 😃 | I'm finally ready and have a plan to kill myself! Im so happy this is the happiest I've been in years because I know I will finally have peace... fuck all the people trying to make me stay and suffer I'm jumping goodbye 👋 | 2 |
Just don’t see a reason to keep going | I’m nowhere near having the courage to actually go and end myself, but I genuinely cannot find a good reason to keep up this farce of a life anymore. Nothing is looking up for me. I’ve burned pretty much every bridge that was sent my way. It feels I’m done already and the suicide itself is just a formality at this point
and yeah chances are i’ll still be around suffering for a while but i hope to god at some point i grow a pair and shoot myself | 2 |
I would really appreciate if someone talked to me rn.. | It's kind of rough these days and I feel I can't breathe.
I do have people around me but I don't feel heard and it's okay they are preoccupied with their own lives.
But sometimes I wish I was heard | 2 |
i hope i get cancer and die | i would kill myself but i dont have the balls to. i would rather die to a disease or something. | 14 |
god damn | i need a large amount of mental help and have nowhere to go and i really wish i felt like cutting myself so i could just do it and get it over with and feel better but godddddd DAMMMMMMMMMMN
give coping tips please | 3 |
Peace out | Wasn't really a fun ride. A lot more downs than ups. But I was riding this roller coaster alone, and its to late to turn back now. I felt like I didn't deserve happiness. I felt like I was always alone. I never really was happy, I'm not sure why. Never got to go to therapy for help. Honestly no ones going to remember me, I didn't do anything crazy. It just feel weird, like finally committing to it. Lived a short life, never got to go to law school, never checked anything off my bucket list 16 pathetic years. But I cant go on like this, so to the 3 people that see this peace out. | 3 |
So, I have a gun now. | It's not that I grew up with guns as taboo. In fact my grandfather on my dad's side did little else throughout his life than collect an impressive gun collection containing hundreds of individual firearms and his made his own ammo. The whole nine yards. But until recently I have never personally owned a gun. I always thought about it but put off the purchase. Now that I have two, a pocket pistol for work in 380, and a 9mm that I feel like is the perfect fit for my hand. I look at the guns and think about how it will most likely be the machine that kills me. I've held them to my head trying to figure out the most effective angle to assure death and not just mutilation. There is a call of the void that is so tempting when I hold them. I'm just done with the pointlessness of life. Everything I wanted for myself and every thing and everyone I cared about either thinks of me as a fuck up not worth anything, or just forgotten about my existence. I just know that I could have done better than this. I feel so shitty, I'm the black sheep of my family and I am so just over it. I'm only holding on at this point for my dog. | 5 |
I know it's cliche, but I really wish I was never born | Don't want to deal with life's many difficulties, regrets, nostalgic feelings, fears and anxiety. | 21 |
It's officially over | I don't know why I ever entertained this delusion of there being a chance of me turning out alright. Lol. No thanks. None of this pain is worth it. I give up for the final time. I'm gonna go get some patches to OD on like last time. And unlike my dumbass last time I'll do it somewhere seculded so I don't get discovered. Peace. | 3 |
I hate being a woman so much | I'm not here to compare who has it worse. The gender war bullshit is exhausting.
In my specific situation, I was built for something that would literally be a nightmare situation for me (childbirth) and am basically drowning myself trying to fight my body to do the things I actually want to do. I want to be strong, but not just "strong for a girl." I do martial arts, but I don't want to be "good for a girl." Guys treat me like a delicate dainty flower then go crazy on each other. I want that. I want it so bad I can't stand it. For once I want to know what it feels like to be the top dog because I worked hard and put the effort in to be strong and skilled, but instead I get to sit on the sidelines and watch as beginners function at a higher level just because they're men.
I hate feeling like a fucking piece of meat and a prey animal that can't go out at alone at night lest I get targeted for being a fucking woman. I hate being constantly warned "Don't go there, don't do that alone, don't be out after dark, don't put any stickers on your car that signify you're a woman because you'll be targeted." I hate it. I hate it so fucking much I want to die. And when I say something I get bullshit like "Oh, well women are more flexible than men teehee!" Miss me with that bullshit, it doesn't matter.
I care about strength. I want power. And simply because I was born a fucking pathetic woman, born to bleed every month for not producing a baby I'll never fucking have, I can't have it. Born to be hit on by men decades older than me because their perverted asses see me as a piece of meat for them to lust after. Born to be told all my life that one day I'll find a big strong man to serve. Born to constantly be on the look out because women are just fucking prey animals. Born to constantly try to better myself and get stronger while simultaneously hating my stupid biology for making me so pathetically weak.
I can barely look at my stupid feminine body. I have to wear something tight over my chest 24/7 and I'm saving up to get my breasts chopped off once and for all but it'll be a year at least. I have to look away every time I get naked. I'm sick every day from this shit. I feel so fucking ashamed to be a stupid fucking woman. I feel so ashamed as I unwrap my pink sparkly pads and shove pieces of cotton up my vagina to forget about the fact that I'm bleeding for a few hours. I feel so fucking ashamed when people sigh because they're teamed up with a woman. I feel so fucking ashamed when I think I'm making a male friend only for them to turn around and try to kiss me and make me realize that they only ever wanted to fuck me. I'm so fucking ashamed to exist in this body.
Being alive feels like an indignity. | 23 |
Not sure if I will ever be able to find employment with my disability | Never had work experience, can't get WFH job. Hyper sensitive to noise, and more noise can permanently ruin my ear. Most audiologists and ENTs have barely even heard of noxacusis before, and I can't even get an actual diagnosis. What happens if I can never find stable employment? I will probably just end up homeless.
The only reason I haven't shot myself yet is because my parents would probably become extremely depressed and lose meaning in their life. I'm beginning to care less and less and I just want to get it over and done with.
I hope every politician who is against disability rights and support end sup severely disabled and crippled themselves. | 4 |
I want to live. (Tw for a lot of stuff, and i really appreciate you if you actually ready all of it). |
I want to live. Every moment through my entire life I’ve had to deal with something either traumatic or somewhere near it. When I was around the age of 6 I learned what meth was and that my mother and step father had both been doing it at the time. At the age of 7 my mom came home blackout drunk and threatened to kill me because of how much she regretted me. That night I had to take my, I believe to be at the time, 6 month old brother and run with him out of the house to my grandparents in fear that she was going to kill us. By age 8 we had moved to another state and my mother took whatever anger she had out on me whether that was physically or just emotionally. Age 9 was my first attempt, I had taken a handful of whatever pills were in my cabinet, I was unaware that I would wake up sick, alone, and throwing up in the bathtub in the middle of the night. I thought at least someone would’ve found me by then and saved me because I wanted to live. Age 10, I realized that none of my family was a safe place. My grandma constantly commented on by body and how I was chubby. My ED began. My memories between age 11-13 have completely slipped my mind. The biggest things I can remember is that I started smoking weed, drinking, and tried Xanax a few times. I had a bf at I think 12 and he had wanted to have sex. I said I wanted to wait till I was older. After months of convincing and ignoring me when I said no, I caved. I hate to admit how much sex I was having as a 12 yr old and I wish had the voice and boundary’s to enforce my no. Age 14, I had to run away for the first time and that was the first time I trusted getting into a strangers car, thank god it was a social worker and not some physco. She gave me her card for whenever I felt ready, but I never gave her a call. I regret that. Age 15, 8th grade year i heavily got into the use of adderall and Xanax, i don’t remember much but I partied and probably almost died over a dozen times. Freshmen year was filled with worthless boys, drugs, and attempts. At the end of that year I had fallen head over heals for my now ex that I still deeply am in love with. I had lost him because his parents went through his phone and found out about my drug problems. This was the first and I swear last time I will ever loose someone because of my addictions and i later went to rehab ( 2 MONTHS CLEAN) We still have contact to this day but it hurts. A bit after we had broke up I had to run away again and that lead me to living with my biological father in another state. Today at 15 years old I sat in my fathers closet with his 9 mm loaded and pointed at my temple. I sat there for 20 minutes shaking. I finally talked myself into putting the gun away. When I had finally realized what I did and came down from my initial freak out, I started to freak out again because I was terrified of myself. I want to live but I feel as if my unconscious mind has met its own breaking point. I’ve attempted many times before but the gravity of this scared me much more because there wasn’t a possibility of surviving a gunshot to the head but there was always the possibility to be saved when overdosing. Im terrified of myself. I want to live. | 2 |
I wish people didn’t care about me. | That’s a lie, I love my friends with every piece of my heart and soul and seeing how much they care about me and enjoy my company makes me happy, like genuinely happy.
But at the same time I wish they’d ghost me and leave me forever. Why? Because then I wouldn’t have to feel bad about killing myself.
See, how could I ever commit if I know how much it’ll hurt them? How could I ever do that to them? I don’t want them to have to bury their friend, we’re only in highschool.
They’re the only ones keeping me relatively sane, life sucks but knowing i can spend time with them and wake up to their texts…Man. I’m tired of being miserable but me dying would only make them feel as miserable, and why would i ever want that?
I guess I’ll just have to suck it up until things get better, if they ever even do.
I like to think they will and one day I’ll thank myself for not giving up, cause life will feel good, i won’t feel like i’m drowning anymore. I’ll make new memories with my loved ones and I’ll look back to these dark times with a smile cause I’ll know they made me stronger.
Wouldn’t that be nice? | 18 |
Should I just end it | I was walking home from school, a guy pulls next to me on the sidewalk, lowers his window, calls me “slenderman” (I’m very skinny), and drives off laughing. I walk past normally, people lower their windows and laugh and say things as they drive by; I can’t even hear what they say half the time, but I know they are laughing AT me. I get called ‘stick’ and scrawny at school by 12 year old children, I am bullied by 12 year old children. Every second of the day I wonder when the next bully will appear to call me something. I am in constant fear of being attacked or mocked. I don’t want to leave my house if I don’t need to, because I am scared of what people think of me, what I am wearing. I ignore my friends text messages asking me to go out to parties, I am always “too busy”. I don’t have a job at 18, I am scared that the uniform will be short sleeve, or I will look stupid and helpless, or that everyone will look at me. I wear puffy clothes and lots of layers to hide my arms and legs. I do the same in summer; I’d rather be mocked for wearing a jacket in summer than for being skinny. I love winter especially for this reason. I tense up, I leave even, when my friends mention sports or the gym, because what if they ask me about it?
This is the point my life has reached. What is the point of living if no one cares to look beyond my looks? Why does no one care about my feelings or who I really am?
How can I go to University if people are like this? How can I do anything at all if fear binds me?
You’ll just say that this is life and that I need to conquer fears to live it, but I can’t do that. I can’t fucking do it. I have no hope to try, I have no reason to persevere, no reason to live.
I don’t know what to do in the future, I don’t have hobbies. I thought I liked art, but I suck at it and can’t be bothered trying to get better. I thought I liked writing, but of course that job is underpaid and I’d probably suck at it anyway. I don’t like doing anything but sitting down in my sorrows and whining and complaining to strangers online about my shitty life, a life that isn’t even as shit as others reading it. How can you even sympathise with me? Do you even care? Are you even reading this? Will you just give a standard answer to every depressed kid who winds up here? The same cookie cutter response that everyone gets: you’ll be fine, don’t worry? Well I am not fine, I am worried.
I have wanted to end it since I was 14, maybe 15, and the reasons to do it just stack up each year, they never get better and I never remove one. It seems the only thing holding me together is my own will to beat the education system: ‘I NEED to finish high school and university, maybe then I will be better’ is what I say to myself.
I scroll through this long script of words looking for typos or incorrect things, as if that matters or as if you’ll care anyway. I smile as I write this, I don’t even feel sad or empty, I am not crying, I am writing this without thought and without intent. Maybe this means I am just faking it all. Maybe I tell strangers online my issues because no one else will listen. Maybe I like the anonymity, maybe the persona of being depressed , the support people write in the comment fuels me. Maybe I like sympathy from others. Maybe I like the feeling of being supported because no one does it unless I beg and whine for it. I am like a dog on the streets, faking a limp to get food. Why is this my life? Why am I suddenly self aware of my forgery of identity. Surely I can’t be faking this, because how can I care this much? Why do I care at all about myself?
I have a family, my own younger brother bullies me too. My mum loves me I think, she says it often, I feel guilty and I struggle to say it back. How could I ever love someone if I don’t love myself? Am I a shit person? I dream about my death, how my family would react, I want them to cry. I want people to remember me and go to my funeral and cry. But I don’t want to die do I? Maybe I just want to live in a world where people can walk around on the sidewalk and just walk, and not fear being yelled at, not fear anything at all. | 2 |
My cat saved my life | I've had severe ideation for several weeks. I have a plan - everything set to go. This morning as I was gathering my bag to leave, my cat sat on top of it. She hasn't left my side all day. I have severe ptsd and lost my business because of it. (PTSD is result of the business/job). I want to go. Then, after procrastinating for an hour, my phone rang for a job interview. For now, the ideation has stopped. | 21 |
This is it I guess. | Hi there,
I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel so figured this is the place to come. Been on the phone to Samaritans this morning but they don't seem to understand.
I have fucked up bad, my landlord is coming for 2 months rent that I don't have. I gambled my last 2 weekly paychecks trying to get that money back and I didn't. I have lied to everyone and now it seems like the only way out of this shit is suicide.
I don't know what to do. Someone please help me. | 1 |
Help | I’ve been contemplating ending it all because I’m honestly not happy and I haven’t been genuinely happy since, I can’t even remember when. When things feel like they are just about to get better they just get worse. I grew up in an abusive household, mentality, sexually, physically. Whatever people go through worse. I basically got married hoping I’d get out of the situation I was in with my family since my abuser was still in that household. Everything was great until I had to ruin it all with waking up from a religious cult. There are times I wish I could go back and be oblivious and believe everything again because being out of a cult and losing the one person I could talk to about almost anything due to shunning from the cult is something I don’t wish on anyone. Even though I married him to leave a horrible situation, and even if he wasn’t the best person to me, we could’ve had a decent life. He’ll soon be filing for divorce, I had asked him not to a while back until I could get my life together since I had been in a severe depression for at least 6 months and had no money saved up incase an emergency. He had really good insurance since he works at a school district. Once we are divorced I will no longer qualify for free therapy and adhd medications. I know I’ll end up losing my job and my debt will stack up. I moved back into my parents home. Where I have to see my abuser daily and I can’t even look at him or be around him without wanting to cry or hang myself. My mom isn’t able to work due to her arthritis. My dad was out on disability due to his hands being crushed at work and not being able to use them anymore. I signed up for a trade school for something that would eventually pay well… but that’s if I even graduate and without therapy and meds no way I’ll be able to focus and pass those classes. Me and my dad have my car under both of us, that’s the only debt I have that if I die would be left under him to pay. I’m thinking of going to the bank to refinance and put the car only under me so if I do it, the debt will hopefully die with me. I really have tried everything to keep going and to find hope. To wait just a little longer because things may someday get better. This miserable life that I’ve had and continue to have is so unbearable, I know others have it worse. I’m sorry | 1 |
I hate everything | I fucking hate this system where you’re forced to go to work no matter what. You don’t even have time to fucking grieve or process your emotions. Everyday you go to work being forced to listen to some nobody and making them earn shit ton of money while we all suffer from inflation and debt. What is the point of life ? There is no point in it if capitalism continues to thrive. So many people are stuck working their shitty jobs that further deteriorates their mental and physical health | 1 |
I can’t go on. | It’s been 5 weeks since my wife kicked me out. I was not a good husband all of the time but the majority I was. Also a good Dad to my 14 and 12 year olds. My problem was drink. I kicked it into touch about a year ago but fell off the wagon 5 weeks ago and she now says she will never get back with me. She has told everyone. I have lost my friends so have nothing apart from my mum and dad and they are old so they should be enjoying the life not looking after a 40 year old. My wife has changed the locks and I am only aloud to go in my house if she is not there. The kids are a mess. I leave her alone for a few days and then I get the same message. “Just leave us aloe we are never getting back together”I love them all so much! I went to the rope swing in our local park and got the rope around me and then bottled it. I am a coward. I am not had a drink since 5 weeks. Anyone else battling something similar. | 1 |
Non-stop Terror | I've had wave after wave of panic attack all day every day this week, and many weeks beyond that. It's treatment resistant, as is my bipolar and PTSD. I also have narcolepsy with cataplexy and some other shit.
I'm so dissociated and my boyfriend is just tired of me and caregiving.
It's really hard to live for the people you love, completely debilitated. They get compassion fatigue and you're just alone day after day going through what would be unimaginable to them.
I'll keep living for them, though I look forward to dying every day. | 5 |
Killing myself seems like the only option after losing what felt like my purpose. | I know this might sound stupid to a lot of people but my boyfriend broke up with me in the most traumatic way in May. I thought he was going to be the one I spent my life with. I have BPD for context so I get severely attached to people, even when not meaning to. Ever since May I’ve been spiralling. Under eating, smoking far too much, drinking the pain away. I’ve lost around 25kg in the past two months and every time I wake up I throw up from my anxiety, ruining my already fucked up teeth even more. I also lost my former best friend by my own volition as she was incredibly toxic for me but I just feel like I’ve lost so much in the life that I finally felt happy with. I’m about to enter my last year of university after dropping out already once and I don’t know if I even have the strength to finish my course. I’m about to be in debt due to not moving into a house I was contracted to move in with my former best friend with and I’ll be paying for it, regardless of never even living in it. I just feel like a failure. An absolute failure of a human being. I just want to reach out to my ex because he’s the only one that was able to truly help me when I’m like this, but he prides himself in ‘burning bridges’ and never looking back. I just need someone to talk too. Anyone. I feel utterly devastated and alone. Thank you for reading this if you got this far. | 1 |
Most of the people on here need a kick up the ass - I need death | I got a detached retina nine months ago. I went blind in my eye overnight. Now since surgery I can't see properly and have constant double vision, I see horrible squiggly lines where I should see straight lines. Every time I open my eyes I'm reminded I have loser vision. Every time I open my eyes I want to die. I've had it with the medical profession and their cloaked language and gaslighting and being made to feel I'm being put on trial for seeking a second opinion.
I had mild depression before my eye problem and I now realise what utter bullshit it was and what utter bullshit most depression is. If you have physical health you have everything, if you don't have it you have nothing. Most of the people on here are self pitying idiots. Threatening to take your own life because you're 17 and you were dumped, wake the fuck up and realise you have zero frame of reference for life.
Physical health is everything. Almost everything anyway. I have sympathy for people who have their physical health but are coming from a war zone, or people who have been grotesquely abused throughout their childhood. The rest of you who are suicidal, feck off.
Visual impairment as a reasonably young person with no prospect of improvement, seeing literal monsters, distorted faces, distorted everything, is a life ender. I'm sick of people telling me I have anything to live for when I see squiggles the whole time, when everything I loved to do has been taken away from me, when I'm constantly fighting myself about the concept of staying alive or dying.
I'm so fucking angry with myself, with life, with everybody else. All I do now is research suicides. Throwing myself under a train is my preferred method. I've been on trains five or six times in the last couple of months and every time I'm on one I take note of where the train is going fastest. Last Sunday morning here in Ireland there was a story about a young woman who was a primary school teacher, a beautiful girl with a good family and a partner, she threw herself under a train. I'm so angry with her, yet I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat. Last November a 14 year old girl in a middle class town who was superb at sport and at her studies went down to the rail line at 6:30am on a November Tuesday morning and threw herself under a train. I've researched every other rail suicide in my country I can find. I'd trade places with any of them a heartbeat.
All I do now is rake over the coals of my loser life. I'm 43 and everything is gone because I'm visually impaired. I wouldn't be visually impaired had I sought medical attention when I got warning signs. But I didn't. My whole life has been a mistake.
Fuck me, fuck you, fuck the medical profession, fuck everybody, fuck life.
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​ | 1 |
I’ve had Xanax,Pregabalin weed and alcohol. Today might be my last | I’ve had enough. I’m in serious debt, severely addicted to opiates. Lost my dad to suicide last week. He jumped out of the window. I blame myself for it. I found out half an hour ago I owe £600 in tax which will be deducted in my next pay leaving me with nothing. Don’t have money to fly over to see my dad and pay for his funeral. This life ain’t for me. Ive accepted this now. I HAD ENOUGH. I’ve had a large amount of Xanax and Pregabalin and I’m now gonna chug a 4 pack of beer cause I don’t care anymore. | 1 |
I feel lost | Been having suicidal thoughts lately but i think i d never be able to go through with it because of the pain i would cause to my close ones and also my dog wouldn't understand where i would have disappeared.
Today tho, i decided to tell my mom about how i feel, and she started shouting at me and telling me that i am such a stupid kid and that only stupid people would do that.
I think i ll never open up again to anyone because of this.
Whatever... I ll just deal with the loneliness and pain alone | 1 |
Planning to kill myself again | I think that I'm garbage. I do not enjoy life anymore, every thing seems boring, nothing excites me anymore, I don't like to talk, I don't like to eat. Every relation is not true it is based on some social behaviour After 26 years of living in this world I do not think that live is worth living. My last close call was 2 years ago I was sitting with the rope around my neck but decided not to do it. I think this time will be succesfull just need to leave my GF and then go missing not to worry anyone. I AM very happy about this. | 6 |
Is there anyone I can talk to? | Title | 1 |
I genuinely just want to end my life | Never in a million years did I ever think I would make a post like this nor feel this way. Like has been pretty hard for me (19F). I’m turning 20 august 7th. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like my family hates me. They always make jokes or say rude things but it gets brushed off as sibling behavior. It genuinely hurts my feelings and last night was the closest i’ve ever been to committing. I messed things up with my boyfriend, i’ll admit i flirted with someone else while he was going through hard timed because I was lonely, it hurt him and I regret it so much. I have just moved back home after deciding to go to a community college for a year and commute to give myself the space to get my mental health together. My room is in a terrible condition. I don’t know I just feel like a failure. I had a talk with my mom last night that made me realize some of the things i do have been upsetting people and I had no idea. I just feel like i’m genuinely on the brink and have no one to talk to about it. Especially my boyfriend it’s bad timing it just feels like it’ll seem like i’m trying to guilt trip him since he’s still upset with me. I’m not entirely sure what I want to accomplish by posting this but I figured why not. I have had alot of hardships in my past that have led to suffer from ocd and ptsd. I should probably get help but I feel like giving up. | 1 |
I wish people wouldn’t lie | I understand that not everyone wants to deal with the mentally ill. I just wish people wouldn’t pretend that love isn’t very much conditional or pretend that they care when they don’t.
Everyone is a mental health advocate until they have to deal with someone who isn’t just sad or worried, and someone who won’t be cured by a few nice words. Once any actual effort is required, most people leave. Once people realise that they can’t get quick gratification from having cheered someone up with a few words, then they leave.
If you don’t want to support people who are mentally ill then that’s fine. It’s your choice. Just don’t call yourself a mental health advocate, don’t say that mental health is your passion and don’t tell someone you care while being passive-aggressive and resentful towards them.
It just hurts even more when one realises that it’s fake. | 63 |
Okay I decided 2 weeks from now | IT got worse. Only dark thoughts come through me. I'm gonna do it soon. I got few messages from you guys and I don't want anyone to suffer I wish you all the best. I was able to block dark thoughts for two years but now all I think is suicide again. | 1 |
I want to die (Need advice on swift ways to kill myself) | Hey y’all. Really want to kill myself. I’m tired of this world. I just don’t want it to be horribly painful. Thinking of just jumping form a really high building or just going somewhere isolated and lying down and decaying with the earth. I assumed I would just pass out before anything horrible happens. Let me know if any of you have any better suggestions. It’s a shame because I do have people that love me and will miss me😢 I wish no one cared about me or else this would be way easier and not make feel so guilty. Such a drag. | 1 |
Nobody would notice until my body starts to smell | I could take all my meds and slit my throat in my room. Nobody would call or notice for a long time. I’m such a dramatic, crazy mess that my family (who I live with) would assume I just wasn’t home. They don’t open my door. They hate me. My partner who doesn’t like me most of the time would assume I finally moved on. My job would assume I quit. I don’t have a single friend. I’m too off putting. I will never be anybody’s priority. My presence bothers people so much. I don’t wanna do this anymore | 4 |
Give Me One Reason To Believe Things’ll Get Better | At my breaking point for the third time this week. I don’t know why it’s so hard today. Why it’s so hard everyday.
I work retail and as housekeeping at a hospital. Having bad back pain today. Got yelled at by a nurse for not cleaning to her standards. Having the most terrible, intrusive thought to drink one of the chemicals on my cleaning cart and just fucking end it but I know it’ll just create more problems than it’s worth. They’ll just take me to the psych ward and I’ll be forever known as the person who drank chemicals in the middle of their shift and probably lose my job over it too. Because I know I wouldn’t be fucking lucky enough to die.
There just seems to be no point anymore. To anything. I’m fucking miserable. I hate my jobs. I hate my friends. My fiancee doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. Cares more about his own problems and keeps coming up with more of them to have. Can’t blame him because I don’t like me either.
I’m just so fucking tired. So. Fucking. Tired. | 42 |
Pissed off im not dead yet | I am one of the most highly considerable candidates for suicide ever. I’ve been thinking about suicide almost everyday for a decade in my 25 year life.
Enough is enough
I’m looking at the mirror, I see uglyness. Garbage ness, someone who should be dead. Someone of no worth and value
I will make fucking sure I die. No more of this stupid ass bullshit. I’m developing anger issues for being alive now | 1 |
I may end it soon. | I think I’m going to end my life soon. I’ve been thinking about it for over 5 years I’ve attempted over 10 times and nobody noticed so I doubt anyone would notice if I succeeded. I feel so alone I don’t have friends anymore I lost them because of my mental issues and I feel so bad about everything. I can’t talk to my family because they don’t care and every time I do it gets thrown up in my face. I keep begging my mom to put me back in counseling and she refuses because it’s to much of a burden on her. I’m about to graduate high school and after idk what I’m doing with my life because I will 100% have no one. So I think I’m going to end it. It would do the world a favor because I wouldn’t be here to bother people with my problems and hallucinations and stuff. I have most of it planned out | 1 |
I hate myself | I'm too lazy to do anything. There are times I'll spend a week without brushing teeth. I can't get myself to do the hws from my university so I'm really considering dropping out. It feels like everything is against me. My psychiatrist suspects I might have schizophrenia, to top it off. I hate myself so much. I can't stop myself from self isolating from my friends. My friends don't deserve a trash like me. I just wanna spend the whole day in bed.
Can anyone relate? | 19 |
It doesn’t get better, I’ve felt this way my whole life | I’ve dealt with depression my whole life. I didn’t have a happy childhood. I was just as miserable then as I am now. I tried to hang myself for the first time when I was 15 and everyday I wish I succeeded. I can’t imagine not feeling this way because I always have. I’ve always been this way and I always will. That’s why I have to kill myself. | 4 |
I feel like I should just end it now before life gets any worse | I don’t know where to start, I just feel unlovable. My dating life is nonexistent, everybody I know has had all these romantic experiences with people and I have to hear about them. I’ve had nothing.
I was close once though, I was talking to this girl and we both really liked eachother, then one day she just broke it off with me. That amplified my suffering, it went from just something that was frustrating that I thought would improve to who I am now. I cry almost daily, all I can think about is how she could’ve been it and now she’s gone
I go out with friends, I have a job, I try not to tell myself negative things, I try to stay busy, I’m still miserable. I want therapy but my mom is an unmotherly asshole that thinks I’m overdramatic and that it’s because I look at my phone. One time I mentioned suicide to her and she said it sounded like I was blackmailing her
People tell me “it gets better after highschool!” (I’m 17), but I’ve seen plenty of cases where it just didn’t. I don’t want to wind up like that, but I never get what I want in life, so I feel doomed. It’s comforting to know that I can just end it, it’s scary too, but I know it’s for the best. Hopefully my mom is who finds me, so she can at least finally understand. | 2 |
i took 11000mg of paracetamol | i took like 22 500mg tablets about 9 hours ago then went to sleep, woke up feeling really sick and ended up throwing up, i feel a bit better but what will happen to me? | 1 |
Is my suicide note good? | So before i show off the note, i would like to point out that im not showing it off for attention, however i want to know if its a good last note to my family and friends. I would also like to point out that im not planning anything until mid august. Heres the note:
The time has finally come. On and off for years, i have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation. Only recently was it discovered that i am bipolar, the type of bipolar that deals with more depression then manic episodes. I tried everything: therapy, tons of different types of medications, talking to loved ones, everything. However even IF a certain method of healing worked, it doesn’t ever stick. I constantly have to deal with my brain letting me know im a shitty, and ugly person, both inside and out. I have to deal with thoughts wondering who actually enjoys being around me and who secretly despises me, but doesn’t say anything because they know i will go into a suicidal frenzy. I have to deal with the fact that i will never be loved romantically or find any new friends, hell ill probably lose the current friends i have now, all because of of the fact i am not only incredibly ugly, but also very bipolar. Besides those two things, I am a huge fucking idiot. I always forget things, have horrible hearing, and am very clumsy. I have hurt the friends and family i love with all my heart by getting easily annoyed with them for no reason, they never actually did anything wrong. For some reason, i have always been fascinated with being in love (romantically). I try to be kind and polite, i try to make myself look better by doing my hair, putting on cologne and dressing up nicely, i try everything to be loveable. But because of what i assume to be my looks, nobody has ever seen me in a romantic way. Call me pathetic all you want, i just want to be LOVED. But apparently thats impossible for me. Even IF i wasn’t ugly, my bipolar would be the other thing that keeps me single. I tried so hard to get better, but it never works. Since im a man, im expected to “suck it up” and live life acting fake and acting like nothing is wrong, and i fucking refuse to live that way. MEN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE VULNERABLE JUST AS MUCH AS WOMEN. But the majority of these fucking idiots walking the planet think men who have mental problems are “weak”. Even people i thought i could trust stabbed me in the back by telling me i was not a man for being vulnerable and for being bipolar. I can’t trust anybody anymore (maybe besides close family, i have always been able to trust them). The way mentally ill men are treated NEEDS TO CHANGE. We deserve love just as much as anyone else. Living as a bipolar person is absolute torture. I can be having a good day, then something bad happens and it takes 5 seconds for me to become very suicidal and at risk. I literally can’t deal with my own head, and there’s no cure, and every type of treatment i have tried never works. With all of these things combined together, from being unlovable, to being ugly, to being hated, to being a man with a mental illness, and having to live with constant thoughts of suicide and pain, i can’t do it anymore. I tried to hold on, but there is no hope for me. I was doomed to fail life from the start.
To my family and a very, VERY select few of friends from throughout my life: I love every single one of you. Yall were the ones that made life worth living, you were the lights in my life. *close family*, all of my other family, and some of my friends, yall deserve nothing but happiness and success in life. Im so sorry it has to end this way, but i just can’t live like this anymore. I tried to hang on to dear life for yall, but the ledge of life was too tiring to hold on to. Im sorry. I love yall
To those who have hurt me: fuck you. I already had to deal with constant bullshit in my head, and you had to come along and remind me how shit the human race is. I hope those of you who hurt me get fucked over, you honestly deserve it. I know im far from perfect, but at least im willing to admit it, and im making myself pay for being stupid. But yall think your the good ones. Go to hell.
When i die, the world won’t stop spinning, people will continue on as normal. I don’t know if my suicide will hurt anyone but if it does, im sorry. However, everything will be ok in the end. Just know i’m no longer suffering.
Before i go, i just want to say my final wish: please, please let people know that mental illnesses affect men too, and that us mentally ill people (including men) need all the love and support from our loved ones. We will greatly appreciate it! MENS MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS TOO!!!
I love yall to the moon and back | 3 |
My boyfriend is the only thing keeping me here | My luck is awful. I try so hard but nothing works out. I’m trying to finish college but I feel like I’m so stupid and I make no progress. My only real parent is very sick. I wrecked my car trying to avoid hitting a cat. My best and only friend my cat went missing a month ago. I just wanna die. I wanna go out to the woods and lay down. I’m so tired. If I wasn’t in a relationship and I knew it would destroy him I’d of already ended my life. I wish my cat would come home, I wish I could finish my degree, I wish I had more time with my dad. I wish I didn’t exist to feel like this | 1 |
I pretty much have no hopes of recovery, but I want to help others. | I pretty much don't care about myself anymore, but if anyone wants a hand.
I'm here. | 2 |
Never thought I'd live this long | I'm 30 but only have had the same life experiences of a kid in elementary school... I fucking can't do it anymore, seeing everyone grow and flourish while I just stagnate and rot alive. It is unbearably painful. | 2 |
i can talk to anyone (dont mind my name) im not a therapist but if a can try changing your decission im all here for it | null | 5 |
I have no reason to stay | I'm young. I'm only 34 and have my whole life ahead of me. My oldest turns five in October. My youngest is due literally any day now. My manuscript is still under review to be published. I just got married last week.
But I'm about done.
My oldest could stay with her dad. She has more fun with him anyway and has been right awful towards me recently. I know she's upset that I'm very pregnant and can't play with her like I used to or find energy to do much of anything. I've been doing my best, but it's clear that my best isn't good enough. And I know that.
I'd obviously wait until my youngest is born. Then my husband can either give her up for adoption or choose to raise her. I don't know which he'd choose and I don't really care. She won't remember me. It's probably better that way.
My husband would be fine. He says he'd be lost without me, but he'd be fine. He has a good job, the house, the roommate to help with bills, the dogs, my car. I provide nothing around the house. Especially now, with being so pregnant and unable to function.
I just don't see the point anymore. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. And that's it.
My mom and stepdad are narcissists. I just found out in October that the dad who raised me isn't my biological father. My bio father is a narcissist too. So is my oldest's dad. I just lost all of my friends after realizing they don't give a crap about me, despite our two decades of friendship. The neighbor across the street who I thought could be the new best friend only likes be when she needs something.
If my manuscript gets rejected, I'd never try again. The process is too long and arduous. My art is slightly fun but I'm not good enough to get any real joy.
I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I didn't sign up for this shit. Just one problem after another after another. Never ending. No happiness. Nothing to look forward to.
I'm not depressed. I'm just done. I'm tired. I'm over it. I don't have any energy left to fight. To try. I just don't see the point. It's just a struggle, every day. And why would I keep doing it when I know it's just going to be another struggle, day in and day out?
I just don't want to do it anymore. | 2 |
If I were really honest... | I would stop being such a coward. I would buy that revolver. I would point it at just the right spot --
I dislike this existence. I dislike my mind that blows other people away but torments me. I dislike the facade I have to put up while others keep insisting I should take it down.
I'm tired of the "it's OK to be yourself" despite being myself is what set my career back 15 years. I'm tired of the partners who realize they can't beat the lows and highs. I'm tired of the teaming masses who can't or won't see the big picture.
I've had enough. If one more person tells me, "You're still here because you're brave/strong/etc" I might explode. | 1 |
Looking for similar friends | So I (18M) think I'm at the worst point of my life, I have given up on everything. But i do believe in a higher power and for some reason I feel like he knows that he failed me and thus I'll be leaving this body soon, i don't think I'm brave enough to take a huge step knowing that I'm religious enough to believe suicide is a sin and that my parents will be very hurt but this is why I feel that I'll naturally go soon, maybe in my sleep or maybe something else. I have barely a few days left but still i have something heavy in my heart, i would like to connect with someone with similar experiences so that i can dispell my loneliness
I would like to drown myself in mindless media though. I have always done this when I needed an escape, which is why i prefer those works with world buildings and all
Also preferably a girl/gay guy who's around my age(16-25) | 1 |
Out of body | I’ve had an out of body experience and it’s the best feeling that I’ve ever experienced and I want the feeling to last forever | 1 |
Never gonna be enough and I’m tired of responsibilities and the desperation for money and success. | Survival mode for more than a decade and I just want to die now. | 6 |
Someone talk to me | Anxiety attack is awful rn I can barely breathe
Pls help me | 3 |
Box cutter doesn't work | I've (24 F) been doing research on arteries that can cause instantaneous death, I have my top five and tried to cut through the one with a box cutter but I'm not applying enough pressure. I'm so desperate that I'm considering to pay someone in kind with crystal to get it done (I'm not a drug user but what more can I do). Hanging and overdosing on pills hasn't worked in the past. My family practically encouraged me to do it by saying that it won't make a difference. I genuiley cannot take it anymore. I cut all my friends off and the one person I can talk to has turned their back on me because I'm not fighting hard enough. I've been in my room for a few days and all I hear is my family talking about shit I didn't do. Constantly proving my innocence is exhausting. All I do is fight through life, I'm exhausted. Perhaps suffocating to death will work. | 11 |
Job on earth is done | I don't know if this belongs here, but it's more about my dad.
Background on him is that he's had health issues for a long time, which include heart disease and diabetes. This has caused him to have issues with his legs due to circulation issues and neuropathy. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't really have feeling in his lower legs. We all know what his future looks like.
He recently texted me that his job on earth is done. He has raised his kids, who are doing well raising their own kids. I told him that we all still need him.
I've never thought he could be the kind of person to take his own life, but his statement bothers me. Am I reading too much into it, or is this a call for help I should be addressing?
Thank you in advance for your help. | 2 |
Next week | null | 1 |
Why can’t I bring myself to finally, officially end my life? I think I will every time. | I keep telling myself “this is it”, and keep standing with the knife or the bottle of pills in my hand, or after having tied the rope to the tree, or after having self harmed so badly I feel like I can’t feel anything. And yet, I can’t do that final step.
I’ve made several posts here that I’ll be killing myself, and each time I’m thoroughly convinced I will. Each time I try and really think I’ll do it, I always make notes and set aside all the belongings I wanted to give people. I get the supplies and I stand there.
And I can’t do it.
I want to die so badly. I don’t know how to get past my own stupid block. I hate living. Somebody kill me please. | 1 |
no drive to do anything at all | i feel like everything i do in terms of attempting to pursue my "interests" or hobbies is so forced and i eventually just give up. i like art but for years now i haven't had the brain to actually do it aside from sketching on my homework at school. i see people creating or even just enjoying things, like books and music, and it frustrates me so much that that sort of passion doesn't come naturally to me anymore (if it ever even did, which it may have when i was in elementary or early middle school...) and that this stupid disease has just about stripped me of everything that makes a human worthy of life and existence. nothing seems to help the anhedonia go away. i think i'm just supposed to be this way (lol that rhymed). even when i do try to actually sit down and start or work on a piece on my own time, for own self, it's complete and utter shit and i'm even more empty inside. my theory is that i decided i was going to off myself at some point when i was in 8th grade and i've had this weird mental block ever since, where i act like i'm already lifeless and gone. "i'm going to die, so why bother?" ugh. that's all i can say to that and to myself. it even seems to interfere with my therapy to some extent—when it's not social anxiety/avoidance that stops me from going out in the world or being useful and interesting, it's just my complete and seemingly unfixable lack of motivation to be a person. i don't know. it's just like my time on Earth is up and has been up for a while, but i'm yet to leave because my crazy brain keeps on clinging desperately to things and possibilities to keep me here... or, right now, it's more that i can't die now because i would be putting my mom through this kind of thing for a second time and she would be all alone and i can at least say that i'm above doing that to someone... currently, at least. but i'm overstaying my welcome as a living person more and more as time passes and it feels bad and i hate it and i don't wish this on anyone but i think i'm posting this here for some reassurance that i'm not the only person with no passions to make me valuable and apparently no will to do anything ever. i'm also awful at words to put the cherry on top of it all. i want to scream | 1 |
Made too many mistakes | I’ve made so many mistakes in life I won’t list them here to keep it short and simple. I’ve lied and cheated on my ex wife and now new spouse I’m a father but I feel so distant from my children even though I work 2 jobs to support them and most of my debt is only 8 Months away from being free but I’m tired of it. Don’t feel strong enough to continue. I just wish I could not feel so lonely and unwanted. My spouse loves me I’m sure and so do the kids but idk how to feel that. I just feel like everyone and everything is going to leave me… so I’d rather leave first. I don’t encourage anyone to take their life. There’s always a reason to live on and fight for another day. But I’m tired… I’m tired of being me and what I feel is a failure. I hope someone reading this can find something inspirational on here and use it to go on and be strong. Unfortunately I think I’m just not there and I don’t know how to find my way back. I hope you all find the happiness and peace you all deserve. | 5 |
Why |
Everything around me feels as if there going wrong because of me. my mom broke up with her bf and he threatened to shoot us the next time he sees us my mom's screams for help and for him to stop as he hit her I wanted to call police but he said he'll shoot everybody if we did I did nothing but listen and cover my sisters ears thoughts of what I should do, what am I suppose to do, I don't want to deal with this, what do I do. Hearing my mom start yelling shoot me if im so horrible and kill me do it already has set my mind into a hole. Why must I be useless I can't deal with this im useless for not doing anything I stayed in my room comforting my sister was that right? I dont think it was. I need to live for the sake of my family yet i do nothing ill just get a simple job and give my money to my family ill quit school i cant die because my mom will too my sister will be left behind. I want to die but i cant. no one to talk to about this so I just went here. | 1 |
Getting rid of myself tomorrow. | Can't wait to destroy this fucking worthless body. Full of scars and injuries it's fucking pointless. And very ugly. So ugly. I wonder how people can even bare to look at me sometimes. I'm too tired tonight, yet another reason I'm so worthless but I'll do it tomorrow. I can't wait. No more pain or having to be on this hell. | 2 |
i really need help and dont know where to look for it | im of the edge of ending this all but i dont want to. recently i broke up with my girlfriend and it was our decision, we are still in love but is was the best for us. i cant get over it i gain like 40kg we were together for almost 5 years and i have nothing literally no friends, my family is not supportive and i dont know where to seek help. how can i build myself back? my english is not perfect but i hope you can understand it. any help would be appreciated thanks | 4 |
Please | My dream is to be loved. I want a decent house, with a wrap around porch, walk in closet, some cats and someone to love and love me back.
On June 28th I attempted suicide.
I've been depressed for years. It got the worst late June/July of 2022 when my mom chose my abusive dad over me. I considered summer 2022 to be the lowest point in my life.
I just ended my freshman year in college at a school across the country from my home state. I didn't even have any friends from highschool.
I made what I thought were good friends in college. I even got into a relationship with the man I love on Valentines day of this year. I thought that maybe I finally found my family. My happiness.
On June 28th my boyfriend broke up with me. After a week of me being unstable and crying and hysterical. A week of me being even more deeply depressed because I was attempting to change antidepressants in hopes to mitigate the sexual side effects that my boyfriend didn't like.
He said it was because he didn't set proper boundaries and felt that frustrations built up and it was too late. He said it because he had a lot on his mind. He said it was because he didn't want to miss out on important things. He said it was because he fell out of love. He said it was because he loved me too much to continue to treat me horribly. He said he'd been thinking about if for two months.
When I asked him why even that very morning he lied and said he loved me and kissed my goodbye. He said he didn't want me to get suspicious. But then he said he didn't lie. But then he said he did. Then he said he didn't know.
We're both on campus over summer. Out of our friend group which is mostly male, only 3 of us are on campus currently. Me my bf and another guy.
We have separate dorm rooms but me and my bf were living in one room together since mid May. He cried when he broke up. Said it wasn't my fault. Said it was too late. Threw me away without trying. Admitted to not trying or wanting to. He said what spurred it on was my birthday, July 5.
I'd told him around this time marked the anniversary of the lowest point in my life and how happy I was that I had him with me. I asked him to make me feel special and loved and happy for my birthday. Apparently I asked too much.
I tried to OD on my prescription meds. I obviously failed. My boyfriend was the one who called 911. I was put in the psych ward. Only my closest female friend texted me and checked up on me while I was there, after and up until now.
The friend on campus went to a parade that day. He knew I would be broken up with that day. To this day he hasn't even asked my how I'm doing. He knows is attempted but simply doesn't care. Barely acknowledges me when he sees me. Not surprised. My fault for being friends with mostly men. I knew their loyalties lied with each other. Even if I knew them first.
I have no one. Everyone but my one friend who I mentioned failed me.
All I had was my bf. I didn't think I was living for him. In hindsight I didn't want to live before him, but atleast when I was with him I didn't want to die. Living wasn't that hard. After the breakup the fact that I have nothing came crashing down.
I come from an abusive low income family. I have no friends near me. I don't even have to will to live. I have no one near me that love me. I don't feel love and that's all I need.
I've attempted several times since that day. My bf always stopped me. Faked getting back together with me a couple times just to take it back the next day. Lied and lied and lied just to lie about it or truth less than 24hours later idk anymore.
I've given up on myself. I've hurt him and myself too much. It isn't fair to him. Or me. Maybe 12hrs ago he got back together with me. Probably another lie so I dont try to die again. But this time I told him. That if I find out it's another lie I'll kill myself on the spot. I don't think I've meant anything more in my life. I have nothing. Idk if I can fight long enough to even attempt to be happy in the relationship.
I want to be in this relationship but he obviously doesn't even if he says he loves me and just doesn't want to hurt me. I don't belive him. Even my own mother threw me away. He did too and it took me two weeks to convince him to give me another chance.
I'm so angry. A sick part hopes he hurts as much as I do. I don't want to live yet he forces me to. Then tells me not to live for him. But even as he continues to kick me while I'm down I love him. Even if he says he feels like I don't because I'm putting him through this and holding my life over his head I love him.
It's just that no one loves me not even me.
Please. Someone. I wanna be loved. Unconditionally loved without a time limit. I want to feel it. I don't want to die. But I have to. Because it's too painful. And no one loves me. | 1 |
too late | i don't have anywhere else to put any of these thoughts.
i don't want to think these thoughts.
i'm tired.
the specifics of my situation doesn't really seem to matter to my overall mental health.
the plan i've had from the beginning still seems like the best option.
i'm not enjoying life. it's hard for me to justify living. | 23 |
im bringing people down | last 6 friends that told me they didnt like me anymore (all at the same time) told me its because im being annoying when i ask for advice. i always ask if i can talk about anything before talking to them i thought I was being cautious but i guess it wasn't enough. im really tired and i wanna be alone forever and the thoughts are just always there, im not really sure what to do anymore | 1 |
Fear of death | Does anyone know how best to overcome the fear of death? Then please write it to me. Thank you very much! | 1 |
I don't wanna wake up tomorrow | Just sitting up in bed, nauseous, can't sleep. Thinking about past trauma, and the fact that my life will never be what it was before my disabilities became all-encompassing. Mourning my past self. I'm a financial and emotional burden on my husband and family, but I don't feel capable of working through life like "normal" people. I can't think straight or focus, I feel like I have brain fog all the time. I'm terrified of my anxiety, always dreading the feeling of panic, so much that I make it happen by thinking too much about it. My life is controlled by my mental and physical illness. Yet I'm just supposed to get through it and afford to live like everyone else. I wish I was different. I'm so tired.
I'm not suicidal. Been there done that, wouldn't hurt my people like that. Just wish I could finally be at rest and free of all this. Not really looking for any advice or anything, just felt compelled to vent somewhere and this seemed an appropriate place. Thanks. | 1 |
The cops humiliating and mocking me pushed me into a bad place | I twas a dumb situation that spiral out of control. My life has been falling apart of years. Things have been rough for years and I'm at my breaking point daily.
This evening someone towed my car, and then refused to give me info on how to contact the tow company, and we had an argument. I walked away while she shouted at me and threw slurs at me.
A half hour later a police suv drove up onto the side walk at high speed and almost hit me. 3 heavily armed cops in flak jackets and detained me.
They had to let me go because I didn't do anything, aparent the woman lied or something because she was angry about the argument. So then the cops decided to mock and humiliate me on the street in front of hundreds of people.
I'm not in a good place. I have a lot going on in life. I was on the verge of tears. The cops mocked me and shouted inusts at me while I sat on the ground and tried not to cry. When I was close to years they mocked me, saying, I was acting like a stupid child and grow the fuck up.
The humiliation pushed me over the edge. I drove out of town and tried to end it, but I couldn't do it.
I had a nervous break down. I'm not okay. I don't want to go on anymore. | 1 |
I need love | null | 6 |
Feeling alone - need someone to talk to | Going through a rough breakup. Processing how I will continue without her. Nothing feels sacred, I have no more faith. I just want to feel numb. Last attempt was 6 months ago, using beta blockers.
She said "you might as well attempt suicide on vitamins".
Made me want to do it in spite of her for a while. Suicide hotline d/c's on me or doesn't help.
If I contacted my primary therapist rn he'd probably call police and I just really want someone to talk to. Wishing my depression wasn't drug-resistant. Feels like a cancer that expands its lungs whenever it feels like it. | 2 |
I think this will be my last week. | It's been years since I came to this sub. I was doing good better. I recently got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. We spent every day together. She has bad BPD and other past traumas. I learned how to deal for her and gave everything for her. But we decided to be friends because I couldn't take the arguing over work anymore. We work directly together and the changes were making us fight. She kept saying she was alone and on her own and I didn't want to keep hearing that. We were doing OK as friends at first it had it's rough patches. But then when things seemed like it'd all be ok and good someone at work said something false and she believed it didn't even give me a chance to talk. She said very hateful and hurtful things.
For the past month I've been hating myself and just depressed and hurt she would believe them and say awful things to me.
It really got to me but I kept trying to talk to her and make it all better but no matter what she didn't give me a chance. Finally this week she told me she wasn't going to buy into my manipulation and to leave her and her new relationship alone. That I never knew her and she's finally happy.
So I said goodbye the worst part is I will be working with her all weekend angry and hurt.
I'm 32 and alone now I don't have family my best friend of 15 years left me last year and now a woman I loved and gave everything too hates me and things the worst of me when I didn't do anything.
The pain is just too much and I think I'll go next week. I'll work my weekend shift and then that'll be it. I've made piece with it I can't take this anymore. I was doing so good here. I moved states away to get away from all the bad that was in my life before but this time that option isn't readily available. And because of how awful this last month has been I'm just gonna go. I think I'll only say goodbye to her and that'll be it. Not to hurt her or anything just to give her a peaceful life. She will get what she wants I'll be gone but itll be for the best. It's not only because of her it's been a lifetime of things that have added up. | 1 |
What do i do if i live in a 3rd world country, in a literal fucking desert, and can't afford therapy ? | In advance sorry for problem dumping here.
I am really lost on what to do in this situation, and as far as i am concerned my situation is "normal" where i live, i don't even know what my problem is, i am generally depressed porn addicted socially awkward, and anxious. my family is poor and most therapists are incompetent and don't even have a degree for it and keep spouting religious bullshit as a "cure" for any mental problem.
Even the small hope that i had as a child to immigrate to somewhere better got shattered by how shitty everything is rn, our currency is declining and i can't even start saving up money because my mental health issues, and also because you need to be lucky to even get a job, even a minimum wage one, and even if i got one i will have to save money until i'm at least 35-40 to even think about traveling immigrating, oh and also the cycle of i need therapy to get up and get a job to get money, and i need money for a therapist, and i have to find a good one that isn't completely delusional.
I literally have nothing to live for except internet shows and memes ... etc, i always feel worthless and that i am a lost cause, and my family isn't helping with, and this society isn't helping but encouraging abuse through generational trauma, hitting your child and setting a literal horror movie like setting for him at age 9 is the norm, i just don't know what to do man. | 5 |
Everything about me is pathetic, disgusting, and retarded | there‘s a disconnect in my mind and what people say, any words of affirmation don’t reach me anymore not even the tiniest bit of validation or comfort or anything, just anger and pain. Music’s probably one of the only things that makes me feel something sometimes. I’m begging for someone to tell me something that’ll make me feel something other than anger because I’m so sick of being angry all the time But I know nothing will reach me until I’m standing next to a railway about to die. I said I was angry all the time when I was 8 and that hasn’t changed in 7 years, I‘ve had probably up to a few hours where I haven’t been angry in my life. I have so much trauma from my parents and school and I’ve always gaslit myself about my trauma because most of the Time I don’t remember anything, and my mum has the attitude of “most kids wouldn’t have that much trauma over being hit once so your just naturally sensitive“ and it makes me wanna squish my head with my hands until I pass out. People terrify me, people terrify me so much, so so much. I’ve tried to beat it into myself that I‘m a boy, a real boy, for a year and it’s only 1 year but I can’t take this much self hatred. I use to cry myself to sleep and wake up crying about how much I want to be a cis girl. I wanted that so much but I’ve forced myself to live as a girl and I know I’ll only die quicker that way. i just wanted someone to look me in the eye, tell me I’m a real boy and that it doesn’t matter what my body looks like but that wouldn’t make me feel it, my head would still want me dead because I’m trans. Listening to ツユ songs is one of the only reasons I’m alive. I’m suicidal over the fact that people call different types of autism presentation ‘female’ and it gives me dysphoria. It’s pathetic because it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter because it’s helping more women get diagnosed but I’m too horrible of a person to care enough. I’ve scratched myself bloody thinking about it and it’s just pathetic because I’m suicidal over people getting better I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate myself so much I want to die I want to die. My head doesn’t hurt enough, my eyes feel dry. I feel ‘too autistic’, ‘too suicidal’, ‘too disinterested’, ‘too interested’, just too much of anything I’m too retarded for this world. I’ve cut slurs into my skin and I wish they would have stayed so I would never forget how awful I am. I’m not sexual enough for this world, I’m not enough of anything for this world in any sense. My hands are tired from scratching myself, I’m always itchy absolutely everywhere and it never stops. Every sound hurts. I’m dysphoric over everything. I just want to escape to a different part of this world, one where I don’t feel itchy and like my head’s bean hit with a hammer constantly, one where things feel comfortable and my body looks right and I can be who I am and I’ll feel okay with that, one with someone who I can relate to and I’ll have a friend but that’ll never happen. It’s like I’m running towards a door I can vaguely see but once I reach it I’ll rush in but then there’s no floor and I’ll keep falling for all eternity being cut up with spikes until all my limbs are off only that would be much nicer than the life I’m living. I just want something someone could say to me to make me feel something, or for someone to talk me out of suicide but with care in their voice not panic and for them to stay after I‘m not immediately suicidal or I‘ll keep going to the same bridge for them to come but they’ll stop coming because people never stay no matter how much more suicidal I get. 14 years is too much of this hell, I can’t take this much of my head telling me I deserve to suffer all the pain in the world for existing as who I am.
I tried . | 1 |
The universe doesn’t want me anymore | The universe could literally not make it any more clear to me
I’ve really had time to think about this, but it’s just so obvious to me that the universe just does NOT want me in it anymore. My dad dies of cancer when I’m 16 which gave me ptsd and severe depression, my best friend and only person I truly trusted committed suicide last year, I’ve had to prevent my mom from taking her own life several times, all while she invalidates my feelings and experiences. I literally suck at almost every single thing I do (I’ve played hockey all my life and dedicated so much time and effort into it yet I’ve never been good at it, joined the military and I get reprimanded quite often, I go to school but struggle to really learn and pay attention) Most of my “friends” and nearly everyone around me either makes fun of me for sleeping all the time or they just straight up tell me to kill myself. The first person I fell in love with and thought I truly had, told me that they just pretended to like me the whole time and then abandoned me after that, leaving me in the most severe depressive state I’ve ever experienced. Therapy doesn’t work, medications don’t work, exercise doesn’t work (thanks body dysmorphia). I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was happy, the last time I wasn’t fucking exhausted for no reason, the last time I actually woke up and was looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it and begging to go back to sleep. Fuck this shit, I’m out, lmao. | 1 |
I want to have the stuff "just in case" | I keep searching for what I want because I just want it to be an option if I can't take it anymore. I feel like I would have done it the other night if I had the means on hand.
I know I couldn't tell anyone and it just feels like once I have what I need the end will soon follow. | 1 |
give me one reason why I shouldn't hang myself | .
. | 3 |
My girlfriend left over 6 months ago and everyday I've cried myself to sleep I can't take it anymore. | null | 1 |
I’m supposed to me turning 26 in two months, but I don’t think I’ll make it | When I was 14 I made a death pact with myself that if I wasn’t happy with life or the idea of my future by 18 I would end things. I’m 25 now and still very unhappy and exhausted. I’ve done what I could to heal myself and my inner child of my traumatic dealings as an adolescent but its become increasingly difficult to do because I’m simultaneously trying to take care of little me and adult me in a world that’s so hard to live in.
I feel like I’ve done everything you’re told to do to ensure success in adulthood. I’ve always worked hard, made good grades,graduated from college, found a decent job after and even then none of its been enough. My mind is swamped with anxiety on how to get myself through the next week, month, year of life. There’s always something in the way of me being able to just simply take care of myself and that’s all I want so badly. Never mind the traumas of my childhood I battle mentally every single day with being able to take care of myself financially. Ive always been afraid of losing what little i have been able to sustain for myself and my worst fear what I worked so hard to avoid is happening now.
I was laid off last month, coming up on my last check, my car just broke down and rents so high I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it for another month and to me not being able to take care of myself is a sign I should follow up with my plan to end things. I’m unhappy with the current outcome of my life and I’m having a hard time seeing my way out. if I am unable to provide stability for myself I have nothing else to offer to myself in this life. This wasn’t my reason before but as an adult my happiness has been tied to my ability to sustain myself and I feel like I’ve failed the little girl in me longing for happiness, stability and safety. | 4 |
Suicidal ideation | They only way I can sleep is by imagining being dead and reminding myself I will forget everyone and everything when I die, and I will definitely die one day and stop existing. I feel better knowing that I can end my life any day with a rope and some gravity. | 1 |
can barely take this anymore, just tired of it | For context there are more than one of us in here, there are four. Our names are zeltik, vex, mako, and felspring.
Vex has been doing everything he can to hurt mako for months now. Everything from insulting her, to hounding her to self harm and forcing it when we don't, to constantly saying anything he can to cause a negitive reaction from her.
Recently he's been shoving things into our head to try and hurt her. (Trying to switch what we're thinking about or a word in a sentence we're saying always at the worst possible moment then laughing when it hurts mako)
Mako is constantly crying now and is to the point she wants to die because of vex. Zeltik is constantly fighting him so he doesn't take control from us so he can't do anything or hurt us physically (he has twice and we have no clue what happens when he does or how long passes)
I (felspring) am just tired, when we figured out that we are all in here mako was the one mostly at the front, I had to take over when mako started to not be able to tell what was vex's manipations and what actually happened. I haven't had a chance to rest from this since I had to take over from her. From when we first wake up we have to constantly fight vex every day.
I know that suicide isn't the answer but at this point I wouldn't mind. When we try to find out why vex is doing this all he says is that it's fun to hurt us and to let him take control but none of us trust him to stop or not try to bury us.
I keep saying we need help and to tell someone but mako is scared of what will happen and vex constantly hampers us when we try. | 2 |
I’m Exhausted | I have nothing. I’m currently homeless and barely getting by crashing on a friends living room floor. My dad is dead, my mom is abusive, my brother is hours away. My friends are as supportive as they can be. My so called “situationship/it’s complicated” is just flat out ignoring me. I feel like an absolute burden on everyone around me. I’m tired of complaining and I just honestly don’t want to be here anymore. Not like it would make much of a difference with how my life is now. I hate that I’m so unimportant. I think at this point I’d just be doing everyone a favor. I just want to rip out of my own skin and cry, and hurt myself. I really just wanna inflict as much pain as possible. I hate living. I don’t wanna be here anymore. | 1 |
I will do it tonight | Well, been living my life, putting the work, it was all good, until today someone who i owe money to, called me to tell me that the payment date is moved to the next monday ( it was next month), called all my friends can’t find help, so decided that its my last reason. | 2 |
Devalued | I’m not good enough for anyone in any capacity. Not family, not friends, and especially not romantically.
I am I fucking lovable.
I hate that no one returns the value I place on them.
Fuck everyone.
And I’m sorry everyone. Just in case.
I’m done. | 1 |
I finally reached my limit | I don’t know why im writing this, maybe just to feel like i told someone how i felt right at the very last days of my life.
Life has never been enjoyable or happy for me, i know so many others have it worse but i do wonder sometimes just how worse can life get for myself?
I feel like time just stopped moving 5 years ago and ever since things are just gray, nothing happy lasts long and my depression just got worse every year. I did try therapy but sadly it didn’t work, i wish from the bottom of my heart that someone could have saved me but its not as easy as that isn’t it?
I sincerely hope things get better for you, the one reading this. Thank you for taking some time to read my post i pray we both get to know happiness one day or in our next life.
Goodbye
L | 6 |
why does it take so little to push me over the edge? | My grandma is letting me stay with her and I pay minimal rent. She sent me a text that we need to have a “serious talk” because she asked me to empty the dishwasher, I did so, but I didn’t fill it back up. I have ADHD so social cues don’t come as naturally to me as most. I apologized for the misunderstanding but I haven’t been able to stop crying for an hour straight.
I want to kill myself. I don’t understand why something this small makes my entire sense of self come crashing down. I feel so worthless. I know she wouldn’t kick me out over something this small but I feel like such a burden. I feel like I would be better off dead than freeloading off someone’s generosity. I want to disappear. | 1 |
It’s easier everyday. | The loneliness compounds day by day. What’s the point anymore. I used to think I would be fine being alone. Now I try to talk to people, show interest. Then I hear them talk about doing things over the weekend when I wasn’t invited. I can’t just invite myself. Maybe they just don’t know I really want to go. Maybe they don’t care. First thing I do when I get home is drink whiskey. I know it’s risky with mental illness, maybe I want that. Everyday I think about suicide. I used to recoil at the thought, it was intrusive, you’re not sad. Now I welcome it, I almost fantasize about it. The only thing keeping me going is imagining my family and friends reactions if I were to commit suicide. I imagine them sad and that makes me sad. But it helps me hold on. It should pass right? It should get better right? I’m only 24, I have my whole life ahead of me right? Why has my life been so horrible? My childhood was so much sadness and anger. I’m in a good situation. Why don’t I feel better? I’m still scared to die, but how long till I’m not? | 3 |
I feel so embarrassed and guilty to be suicidal | Well so I typed out a really long post but it got ate. Lol.
The short of it is I don't have a reason. I have a good life, but still fantasize about dying (more often via suicide lately). Everyday I wish I'd receive a terminal diagnosis. 6 more months. It'd be such a relief. and not my fault.
It's so embarrassing to feel like this. I wish feeling grateful was enough. I just feel guilty.
I've seen some bad stuff and some good stuff and it's been enough. I've seen enough. I'm ready to give my body back to the earth and live through her.
I can't bc it'd destroy my parents, and be hard on my friends. But it's such a.. Burden to think about living the rest of my life. Go through this day after day. I'm in my early 20s so I presumably have a while to go. I got hit by a car like 2 years ago and I don't know how to bet on the future anymore. Tomorrow is never guaranteed,but I have to worry about all this bullshit like credit and bills and trying to save for retirement. I don't want to.
All of my suffering is my fault. I'm tired of taking care of me. I can't talk to anyone about it. If I got institutionalized I'd definitely kms. I've talked other ppl down and can't put anyone else through that stress. I now know you can't save anyone. You have to save yourself. So I'd just put this futile shadow over someone's head that I might do something. I can't live like that.
I'm lucky they care but I wish they'd get it. That I could just be done. I'm so dramatic lol | 7 |
I think I'm gonna go the Hitler rout and use cyanide | I might do an extraction of a certain seed.
​
I just need a luger to make the ritual complete.
no ~~homo~~ nazi | 1 |
Why can’t I just do it already | I almost did it. I almost hanged myself. I started wheezing but at the last moment I stood up and started breathing again. I’m shaking all over and I’m so scared. But I just want to get it done. | 3 |
I’m sick of life | Id like to think I got the chance to have a better life than anyone in my family but sadly that’s not the case. Financially I am a mess to the point that I can’t even pay my bills even though I have a job. I’ve moved out of my Dads almost a year now to a new city and my friends have joined me. As soon as I moved my friends moved on from me and have left me alone and my own family doesn’t even check up on me. I don’t know how to improve my life, believe me I’ve tried. There’s no hope for me especially in a capitalist society where we have to work hard for barely any money and every job that actually pays is too good to be true, I have a death day planned and so far I’m sticking to it. | 1 |
I’m a nanny and the guilt of leaving my boss without care is destroying me | I’ve been dealing with suicidal ideation for 8 years, I’ve been hospitalized twice.
I was SA’d on Monday and it has pushed me to finally make a plan. Everything is in order except my work. I’m a nanny, I take care of 3 great kids. I love my boss and the kids. They’ve been a huge source of happiness for me but it’s getting to be too much to keep trying.
They are leaving the country and I think I’m going to do it then. Idk if I should write in my suicide note to please not tell them the truth, or to give them a couple days before getting back to know. They will have help, and be okay. But my boss has dealt with something like this before and it hurts me knowing I would be doing it again to her. I’m not sure if the kids will fully understand. I hope they don’t. | 1 |
I hate how my death is the only thing that I can think about. | It’s always there. Not always in the back of my mind, a decent amount of the time I’m actively thinking about it.
no one knows this, and if my friend sees this (if you’re reading this you know that it’s you) I’m so sorry that you had to find out this way. Well, I tried to kill myself a couple months ago. I had planned out what I wanted to do, but an opportunity presented itself and I took it. I tied a rope around my neck until I passed out. I didn’t tie it tight enough and I ended up surviving.Afterwards, I felt so guilty. i felt horrible that, if it had worked, my parents would come into my room and find me dead. My friends wouldn’t know until I didn’t show up to school.
but i can’t help but keep thinking about it. I think about going into a hotel and slitting my throat. I think about jumping off the breakwall at the beach, the waves pounding me into the rocks until I died. Opening the car door on the highway.
i can never sleep. I stay up until 4am, my head full of so many regrets. I can only ever fall asleep thinking about my death. That or my future. Ironic, eh?
i just hate it. I’m too young to feel like this. | 1 |
I hate that I'm still alive | I cut my wrist multiple times I don't want to be here WHY am i still here i just want all of this to be over. I'm good for nothing like my parents say. I want to stop living with the fear of my dad hitting me to take out his anger on me. I'm so tired man i just want all of this to be over. Why can't i be normal like everyone else. | 2 |
I tried to save my boyfriend and failed…… | I(M21) met a (M27) man and fell in love with him. He opened up to me about his story of abuse at home.
He is in a super religious household with parents that beat him, talk down to him, take his money, and so much worse. He couldn’t even care for himself or feed himself because of them. He was even homeless for years and lived under a bridge because his family abandoned him for weed.
I of course started to help him out whenever he needed anything and I’d be his shoulder to cry on. I couldn’t even see him but maybe for an hour every so often because of how much his family controlled him. He didn’t even have a license or GED
My love grew I wanted us to be together I wanted to help him. He’d come to me with scars and so much from what he goes through.
I started working to get him out. I worked extra hard…. I did everything I could. I got him a phone because his phone was from 2016 and off…. I got resources and help from places around me
He said I was being too forceful and this should’ve been my sign to run. I couldn’t take seeing him suffer though…..
I knew this was a bad situation and tried to leave early on but he’d threaten to hurt himself if I abandoned him…..
I worked to get us an apartment and I finally got it. He’d finally be safe and cared for I thought
His family found out about me after they took his phone. They texted me and called me all sorts of horrible things and they know what’s “best” for him
They took him to church, therapy, they promised him things like a house and more. I could see what this was, they wanted me out the picture and they wanted control.
They told him it was either me or them. They’d kick him out if there was even a hint of me around.
He picked them. He still wanted to keep me around though.
I was so hurt…..
He couldn’t comprehend why I wouldn’t be okay with him being there.
We fought for a week straight and then he tells me he’s not gay….that I am a problem and guilting him to feel bad because he didn’t tell me to do the things I did. He told me I was emotional and out of character and that I must be on drugs.
He just wanted to vent and someone to listen to him. I told him nobody that cares would hear his story and do nothing. I’m the first real person he has in his life so maybe he’s not used to it….
He told me his family is more important…….that I gave him the love he never had at home and I just filled that void.
He doesn’t want to let me leave. He will guilt me into staying by making me feel bad for abandoning him…
I feel so betrayed and so hurt….
The pain was so unbearable….I didn’t want to be alone again…. I did so much for him…..I tried to self delete…..
Why did I do all this?
Why would he stay? I don’t understand…..
Then I realized he didn’t know anything about me xD…he didn’t know my age, my birthday, the basics……he forgot because it was all about him
When I’d complain about wanting him to try for me he’d gaslight me into thinking I was the problem……he’d tell me he did more because he gave me a 10,000 watch(that was fake obviously) and that he’s the one that sacrificed the most…..
TL//DR: Fought to save boyfriend from abusive family and he picks them over me. I’m so hurt it’s unbearable….. | 8 |
my life. |
I truly believe even as a kid I knew life wasn’t really for me, growing up I never really thought about having a future, as my life goes on it just keeps getting worse, tragedy after tragedy. My dad died when I was 5 years old, growing up with just my mum and my sister. My mum did her best. When I was 12 my mum had a stroke. Changing her as a person, at this point my sister had already moved out. Went from being a child to having to grow up overnight. Had to care for my mum, who had completely changed as A person, basically a stranger. I did good. But I think it just drained the life outta me. Managed to pass school, and care for my mum. It’s been 5 years, my mum is wel enough to work again. She thanks me every day and says she couldn’t have done it without me. I want to end my life so badly, but my mum has been through so much i couldn't do this to her.
Now here I am 17 stripped of having a childhood. Hating everything about my life. So numb to everything. Wish it would end. I can’t do this much longe. | 1 |
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