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I've been getting professional help for 1/4 of my life and still am in agony. | I'm 19. I've attended different therapists for 4.5 years. I've been on meds for 3. Some professionals that I've attended just kind of gave up on me when I told them I'm not feeling better after a ton of sessions and their work put in. I've tried different kinds of therapists, been prescribed 15-20 different meds and nothing seems to help at all. I have to choke down 12 big pills every day just to be able to get out of bed and still feel like absolute shit. I can't keep being this financial and mental burden to my parents. I have no one and nothing to live for and it been this way almost my entire life.
| 6 |
i will no longer take my meds anymore bc i will drive myself crazy to the point i kill myself but not even hint any emotions in real life | im done i cant sleep ievery time i screw up at something i just wanna kill myself or torture myself to death it doesnt even have to be something major for example if i pour just a little bit of lets say coke on floor only thing i can think of at that moment is to smash the fucking bottle to the ground and slit my wrists with it. but recently i have this weird chill-kinda
feeling wehere it suppresses my unwanted feelings.
Im done with life i dont want hallucinations or that weird feeling. fucking OCD is going to kill me and im all for it | 1 |
Guys how does alcohol affect you when already feeling down | I’m considering drinking vodka to help ease the self harm | 1 |
Do personal interests & sex drive eventually come back after a deep depressive state is over? 24 M | I’ve been depressed & lost for about 2 years, there’s many questions I can’t seem to find answers to. I’ve lost total interest in my previous hobbies & past sexual desires, do these things eventually come back? Any help is appreciated, thank you! | 2 |
Idk what to do | Me and my ex broke up after 2 years the only thing to stop the pain is drinking I just sit in bed I’m so lonely I don’t wanna be alone | 2 |
I can't do it anymore | I'm useless and i don't want anything. | 1 |
I wrote my note tonight. | I wrote my note tonight. I just cannot take another day. In the note, told my parents I love them both so much, but that I’ve tried so hard for so long, and I just cannot do it anymore.
I told them to please know that they were as perfect of parents as they could ever possibly have been, and to please not feel guilt because there is NOTHING they could have done to prevent this. I told them it was MY problem, and they didn’t do anything wrong.
I tried, but but I was beyond help. I will always love you. | 96 |
really been on the edge of just ending it today. | sorry to post on here again i’m sure y’all have heard enough of my annoying ass. i just don’t see a way forwards at all. i’m gonna feel like this all the time and people treat me like shit until they know i’m suicidal and then they change. why can’t people just accept and like me for me? there’s so much wrong with me i understand that but it’s not like anyone is perfect ya know? idk. i feel extremely alone in the fact that i can’t even find any sort of treatments that help or anything. all i am to others is just a placeholder | 2 |
Feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my back | A huge component of my depression has been my lack of money. I am on SSI and the money gets deposited into my mom's account at my request, since I have the tendency to impulse buy things in order to get a crumb of serotonin. I thought for the longest time that the monthly disability money wasn't even enough to cover rent. But just yesterday I learned that I get almost double my rent and have about 7000 dollars. And like I said in the title, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. | 6 |
I’m so pissed. | I hate it when people say they care. You don’t. You clearly don’t. You very clearly fucking don’t. The same people who “want you to stay” are always the exact ones giving you the finger every single day. Any time someone reaches out - it’s always about what they can do for you immediately and then back to their lives. While you’re just there….still having to deal with it all. Alone. You’d think, “Well, they’ll at least check in with me every so often so see I’m okay.”
No one even fucking does that.
You want me to be here so I can sad and miserable every day of my life? You want someone that you hardly EVER talk to and wouldn’t even realize was gone until they had been dead for a while?
No. Go to hell.
… | 1 |
does it ever get better | i’ve been depressed for maybe about 8 years. i’m 21 now. can’t take care of myself it’s so hard. i have good things in my life but they somehow mean nothing. i’m gaining a lot of weight bc of an eating disorder but idk what to do. i still want to die a lot | 1 |
I never fit in with people | I'm just too much I guess. social media is an emotional rollercoaster sometimes. my moods are too affected by whether people like me or not. and that gives me ups and downs. I need to find other things to do.
edit: I'm just weird I guess. I'm eclectic | 1 |
I feel like the most hideous person on the planet | And maybe it’s just another depressive episode getting to me, but I really think it’s true.
I can’t think of one positive physical attribute I have. There’s nothing attractive about me. I look deformed and hideous. I can’t imagine why anyone would ever be attracted to me. Sometimes I look at pictures of myself and just cry, because how is it possible that I can be THAT ugly?
I disgust myself. I don’t want to bother dating. I really wish I could change every part of my appearance. | 1 |
Constant nightmares | Every single night i keep having nightmares and it’s getting exhausting. I don’t know how to stop them | 1 |
Life is boring and I hate who I am | I just hate how my life is and how I am. I am a socially awkward introvert who struggles way too much with communication with people. I try my best to talk to people but it always feels like im saying the wrong things or I either don't know what to say or run out of things to say to people. I hate it, im 21 years old it shouldn't be that hard at this point in my life. Sometimes I will be talking to someone and my face will just go red because I feel awkward and look even more stupid. Its hard for me to believe that only 5 years ago I was actually 50 times worse than I am now. But im still terrible and I don't want to spend my entire life in the background. I have had two jobs that involve a lot of talking to people and social interactions just to try and improve this but even though its been 4 years, I still am far below everyone elses ability.
I hate the way I look, I get told all the time I look about 16 or 17 years old as if its meant to be a compliment when I have been driving 2 years and can drink I don't understand why would I appreciate that comment? I used to have a super scruffy beard for a few years just to try and reduce those comments but eventually I cut it down to stubble and tried experimenting with my looks. I can't even get a good hair cut because I have a double crown I'll show a hair dresser a picture or give them some guidelines and it will always end up with roughly the same basic hair cut every time because they say it won't work with my hair.
I want a girlfriend but why would any girl care about a socially awkward guy who doesn't even look that good? My entire life I've never found anyone attractive, not during school, not during any of my three jobs. I've seen people walking by and had minor interactions with people such as customers when I worked at a supermarket that I liked but that's it. The only people who I know had a crush on me were both guys and im not gay as well as a girl all the way back when I was in year 7. If I hate how am I, why would anyone else like it? Because I look terrible in every photo, I can't even setup a profile on any sort of dating app. Also most people on there go on about pickup lines and things that don't even matter instead of just trying to have a normal conversation from what I have seen and heard from a friend of mine.
None of this is helped by the fact that I am having some medical problems at the moment and have been back and fourth talking to the doctors about some things. Having a test done in a few months that checks for cancer so that's fun.
Unluckily or luckily (Idk depends how you see it) I am super afraid of dying despite feeling like crap so even though I feel terrible I could never reach that point. This is just my life I guess. My friend suggested a therapist but I don't want to be told a way to put up for all this rubbish, I want a solution. | 3 |
Feeling alone in a foreign land | I am a master's student living and studying in Germany. I moved here 3 years ago for better professional opportunities. So far, its been paying out and life on the surface seems to be going in the right trajectory but still feel unsatisfied and lonely. Being in a foreign land with no family nearby and a huge language barrier makes me feel like dropping everything and going back. Maybe many of you are experiencing the same situtation. Share your expereinces and advice. | 3 |
Im depressed for apparently no reason. | Ive gone through some traumatic things in my life, death of a parent, substance abuse issues, etc., but i feel ive moved on from all of that.
My life just feels meaningless now no matter what i do. I had been following a productive life plan that left my life feeling meaningful and nice, i would get 10k steps a day, not overeat, write 1000 words a day, read a lot of books, and explore a lot.
one day i just started slowly losing motivation for all of that stuff, not feeling the same satisfaction i usually would for completing my goals, so i first dropped reading, then i stopped writing, then i stopped getting 10k steps a day, and then i became kinda loose with my diet. I kept trying to complete my goals but i didnt feel anything good from doing so anymore, they felt pointless so i stopped doing them.
I still try to follow healthy habit everyday that are supposed to elevate mood. I spend a lot of time just soaking up sun everyday, I do ice plunges, go out and do fun things, but they just dont help that much. i would say they help like 10%, but i still feel empty and feel life is meaningless.
i dont really have any reason to be depressed, from an objective standpoint my life is the best its been in so long: Ive lost 53 pounds, made great progress with sobriety, etc, but somehow i was still much happier than this during the objective worst parts of my life, like when i was grieving the loss of my parent and drinking alcohol and smoking weed everyday.
It makes me think if im just drawn to find happiness in a self destructive, impulsive lifestyle, because i just feel so extremely bored and empty everyday, the only thing that kinda fixes it is doing crazy things like breaking random stuff, spending a lot of money, or using substances, but i cant do the last part anymore because im trying very hard to be sober.
I can just barely find joy in anything anymore, and if i do its very short lived and doesnt last that long. | 2 |
I cannot imagine a future in which im happy | I've been living for others since i was around 10. I've done things i didnt want to, said things i didn't mean, lost friends i wish i hadn't or more importantly kept friends i wish i hadn't.
I know nothing is going to change, because i'm a fucking coward and i cannot handle change for the life of me. Id rather suffer than have things in my life change so cause and effect i guess.
In no aspect of my life am i a normal person. I can't handle all the expectations i've for years pretended to be anymore.
It's getting so much harder to live than its supposed to. | 225 |
Everyone stops talking to me when I’m struggling | I know I’m difficult to be around, I know I say and do the wrong things all the damn time.
I know I am at heart, a horrible person who does not deserve to be alive, but despite that, I try so hard to be what other people need, and the moment I need someone, they stop replying or walk away.
I was called pathetic and told I always victimise myself by my own father today. I think he’s right and it only further confirms my thoughts that I should not be here. | 3 |
My life is good, but... | I'll be honest, I love attention. I need it, I breathe it. I love it when people ask me how I'm doing, how I live, how I feel. Maybe because I had the most terrible moment in my life, I was left completely alone in the swamp of events and did not know how to get out of it. I had no hope, I still remember that period with horror and fear, in the hope that this will never happen again. Then I really realized how helpless I was.
Now I'm doing better... I have friends, a loved one, and a job and hobbies... but I'm so afraid that I'll be alone again.... I don't want to feel like this ever...
And most importantly, I realize that my life is good, I have everything that an average person needs to be happy, but this feeling of loneliness, longing and despair comes back again and again and I don’t know how to kick it out forever.
Maybe I still lack love for myself, who knows... | 3 |
Hi Reddit guys | I’m here recently. I want to tell you a little about my situation.. I quarreled with my parents, I live in another country that I just don’t like, you know? I recently had an accident, I'm in the hospital with a bad leg, well..a busy life though. tell me what do you do when you feel bad? what cheers you up? | 1 |
it's getting bad again | I knew I was risking it overextending myself in my work and hoping for more support from people in my personal life to help me feel positive but this burnout I'm dealing with has just really made all my fatigue, feelings of failure, and lack of motivation really just leading me to want to give up trying. I just don't care anymore. I mean, I do care, but at the same time I'm just tired. Nothing feels like it's worth it and I'm tired of this cycle. Today's a day I just wish I'd give up. I can already feel any motivation I had towards tomorrow disappearing and I care just enough to tell people I'm fine. | 1 |
I'm done | I'm sick and tired of living this life, nothing ever pans out for me. I lost my job and lost out on the girl of my dreams along with a load of other things. They say things get better but they really don't they just get worse. I have nothing left to live for at this point just slowly rotting away in my room. In a few days from now I'm gonna write a suicide note and leave it for my mum and do something I should have done a long time ago and take my own life. I'd never thought I'd write something like this but here I am. | 1 |
How do I know if I’m depressed again? | Hi guys! So… I had a depression at 16, i cured that one and later at 19 I fell into depression again. I was free of that one at 21. Now I’m 23, and my mom has noticed that I might be falling into depression again. There are days where I just feel dead and want to die. The other day I cried hysterically on my drive to work, and I didn’t have a reason I could pin point, my libido as vanished, and I have organising tasks at home to do that I can’t bring myself to do.
I have ibs and the flare ups are aggressive, its not under control, I keep getting sick, I just had severe urticaria… I’m always sick. It seems I can’t get a fucking break. I was supposed to be happy… my boyfriend is living with me, I have a stable job, I have a car, good relationship with my mom and my dad… its really hard to deal with my stepdad… but I manage. I moved to this country almost 2y ago, the pay is good, the weather is what I like… I don’t know… I need to vent… I’m lonely, I have no friends or acquaintances here, only my boyfriend and family. I feel that I’m falling in a dark whole… any advice? Sorry for the rant. | 1 |
How to build up self-confidence without founding it on accomplishments? | Q: How to build up self-confidence without founding it on accomplishments?
I believe my depression stems from a lack of self worth. I've lived my entire life thinking about grades and academic achievements for the most part, and so now that I've arrived in a university setting, I've found that I'm performing way worse than the people around me-- like failing classes and not doing homework type of performing worse. This has caused my confidence to crumble and I hate myself in so many ways (hating appearance, feeling like I have no passion, etc.).
But I want to learn how to build up my confidence again, and this time, without the basis of accomplishments. Like I want to learn how to fail classes and not have it tear away at my entire conscience. I don't really want my happiness to be founded on finding my passions or doing well in classes, even though I technically should be working on that. **I want to learn that, even if I have no passion, I still deserve to live and be happy.** Any advice? | 1 |
When will things ever get better | I got diagnosed with bpd a few years ago and everyday is such a struggle, especially lately I’ve never felt so lonely and like there’s a huge hole that will never be full, I just drink or get high to numb these feelings, I don’t even feel like I’m here, not even sh can take the pain away.. i don’t know what to do anymore I feel like a waste of space and everything is pointless | 1 |
A shallow guy | Just one of the numerous struggles I have. I for the life of me can't relate to 99% of people irl and online. Having to introduce myself is such an issue to me. Like what do you say? My name is X I am 22 years old and then what? Hobbies? Activities? Nada.
I don't have much going on for me and I don't know how did I reach such state. I do remember wasting time on videogames instead of socializing with ppl years ago. I seriously now can't have an interaction with someone without it being awkward as hell. I also don't seem to be heard and have to either repeat myself with a louder voice or just save face and shut up. My face legit defaults to looking like someone who had their cereal stolen in the morning. I keep being told to not be sad. I was the quite kid in school except that I really didn't have anything going on for me or was remotely interesting by any means.
I was such a sensitive kid. I don't remember what happened exactly but I remember that some things happened. Nothing major though. It is just that I would get affected by it twice as much given how sensitive I was. My parents were overprotective so I had a lot of time home. Of course I would go for videogames. No wonder. I was yelled at, beaten and abused like any other kid my age back then. It wasn't that bad it is just that I was really that sensitive. I grew to not have an opinion or at least keep it to myself. I grew to fear being in charge and taking intiative which I really dread and despise. I grew to be such a people pleaser who would go above and beyong just to get a smile or a thank you or any fkin social karma from others. I feel inferior to others and grew to have and everlasting self hate that I just can't resolve. I don't stand hearing my own voice so I'm quite most of the time. I absolutely hate my laughter. I have a hyena laugh plus I hate to let myself have pleasure or joy.
Every single time I look into the mirror I just get fascinated by my look. Every. Single. Time.
Not saying that I am handsome or anything but rather keep getting astonished by how did I grow up to become this. And when???????
I can't find purpose and am of no significance. It is all pitiful. Being all sad and pathetic for strangers online. I am not suicidal at all. I just feel numb and tired. I want to get out of this shit. FUCK. | 1 |
Can depression sometimes make you incredibly apathetic/unemotional for short periods of time? | I've been depressed for many years, but recently I've found that I'll be intensely depressed and upset for a few days at a time and then I'll suddenly be unemotional and unable to access any of the depressive feelings I had in the days before. It's almost like a switch is turned off in my brain and all of my feelings are gone and inaccessible. I always cycle back to being depressed and emotional after a few days, but is this apathetic interim some sort of coping or defense mechanism from my brain? I just don't understand it. | 1 |
Eventually I will switch off the life button | One of my first memories is finding a knife on the floor and fantasizing about killing myself. I picked it up and pressed the blade against my skin across different parts of my body, wondering how much it would hurt to pierce through. I put the knife back down but the thoughts never went away.
When I was 18 and in my last year of high school, we did an oral presentation about where we saw ourselves at age 24. I told the class I would be in a cemetery, since I would be dead. The class laughed and chalked it up to Gabriel not being serious about anything again, but I was sincere. The truth is that I haven’t wanted to live for most of my life, that living to the age of 24 seemed unbearable, that I have spent most of my twenties wanting medically-assisted suicide as an option so that I wouldn’t have to hide. Now I’m 26 and somehow still here, but I can’t say anything has gotten better. I think about dying every day. I think about how there’s nothing else I want. This has been a consistent part of who I am for as long as I can remember.
I wish I could give my position to someone else who would be grateful for what I have; I’m sure there’s someone who could do something with it. But I decline to be the one to step up and fix what is in need of repair. I reserve my right to end my life on my terms and with dignity when the moment comes that I deem correct.
I regret the pain that this will cause to the people I love. But the truth is that none of you are worth living for.
| 1 |
Losing discipline on depression/anxiety meds | I’ve been taking 2 medications Aripiprazole 5mg and venlafaxine 225 mg for 2-3 months but I’ve noticed all my discipline is gone. I no longer feel the need to say no to myself or make myself do things (cleaning/walking dogs work out etc) my motivation is also gone. Anyone else experience this ? If so what steps did you take to gain that motivation back? | 1 |
I've been escaping my despair, but now developing anxiety that something bad may happen. | So recently the past 2 months I've been able to maintain a healthy showering schedule once a day and I've been brushing my teeth I've been eating cleaner and healthy. I finally feel like my life is getting back on track after 2 years of feeling like I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Now that I feel like everything is going really well I can't stop randomly thinking that something bad may happen to me or to just something around me and it's starting to give me anxiety and I start thinking about it for a bit and then I forget about it. And I have never really had like an actual anxiety of something or a thought like that in a while and I feel like it is coming from me actually escaping depression and actually living in the moment and thinking and breathing for myself in a long time. I start to think about I could die the next day or I could die whenever and I am getting a heart racing thoughts and I am actually happy and really feel like I am progressing now but these random thoughts pop into my mind randomly when I am just thinking to myself.
Sorry I just needed to share this off of my chest | 1 |
Venting because I suck at relationships | My LDR partner came to visit me last week, it had been 4 months since the last time I saw them and before that it had been 3 years since we last seen each other - due to traveling restrictions and a break up. I don't think we will ever get rid of the distance, the reason we don't progress is because of me. Because of my mental health. I hate using trauma and PTSD as an excuse for things, I should be a better partner and I do try to be a good partner but I fail, I fail at being a functional human being most days. They're the only stable thing in my life, yet I continue to mess things up. I hate being in a long distance relationship, relationships give me anxiety period, but I do it for them because I want them. I genuinely do believe they're my person. I feel so incredibly selfish for prolonging the relationship, my mental health has been failing the last 8 months and I know I've been terrible and hard to be with him. My partner won't progress our relationship because we aren't stable, but I am the reason we aren't stable. I'm not good enough for them, I never have been. I feel bad for getting upset with them about not moving forward but why do I? I'm the issue. I'm the root. I mess up everything. I'm so selfish for staying. It's a circle | 1 |
sometimes i feel so unimportant | i feel like nobody really cares about me tbh. it's gotten to the point where i've just completely stopped calling all of my "friends" for extensive periods of time just to see if they would even bother to message me or check up on me to no avail. it's always me who has to call people just to see if they're hanging out or something. there's been multiple times where i've asked them if there gonna do anything and they always say "i'm probably just gonna stay home today" or something along those lines just to see them all on social media hanging out later on in the day without me. i don't get it. is it just me? am i that much of a nuisance? i just feel so irrelevant. might be overthinking it haha. i feel like i could just die or disappear from the world and none of my "friends" would even care haha. fuck it though | 1 |
Is anyone else feeling like this? | This feeling started around 8th grade and just stayed. I'm currently in high school and I'm really struggling right now. My grades are fine but I know I have the potential to do so much better cause when I try, I see the marks and results. I'm also in IB in a pretty challenging high school, so I have even more pressure. I'm just so tired and numb all the time. I've been having brain fog for so long and I'm having a hard time with my memory. Sometimes it feels like my brain? is cloudy and almost pushing my head? It's really strange to describe. I have supportive parents and friends, but it still doesn't feel enough. I just feel so empty inside. Even as a kid, I felt like a pushover and it's still happening now. I'm really insecure and I just have no motivation to try anymore. I don't necessarily want to d!e but I've been thinking about my future and it just seems so bland and bleak. Even if I had a steady \*ideal\* life, the idea is still so boring to me. I don't know what to do in the future. My parents want me to do comp sci, but I don't know if I want to do it anymore. I'm not bad at it, but I'm also not a genius hacker or something. I overbook myself with classes but I don't actually listen to the actual online lectures which I feel terrible about since my parents are spending money on it. I feel like I put on a false identity with them because they don't believe in depression as an actual condition. I've tried telling them before but they just blamed it on puberty, which might be true, but it's been affecting my personal life for years now. I honestly have no other explanations for the way I'm feeling. I'm just so so tired. I just feel so behind everyone and I honestly feel like shit. I feel ungrateful, but I just can't help the way I feel. I've tried sleeping pills but chickened out and didnt go through with it. Ig that means I don't wanna end it yet but every moment I'm awake I just feel empty. idk at this point | 1 |
Anyone feel the same? | I’ve been depressed my whole life, not sure if I am or I’m just a stubborn one doesn’t want to change. I tried, alot of days I felt so powerful & positive, but sometime the negative thought came out of no where and the cycle repeat. Each time I fall so deep and it’s like I feel numb, and back of my head telling me I need to do something crazy to feel something, be sad, be negative, start an argument, find something to pick a fight on… and when it get worst I cry myself till tired and Im back to normal. But it never stop until I’m reach the extreme. It does feel like an addictive behavior and I feel ugly. And whenever someone tell me to control my emotion and grow up I feel defensive and I fall deeper. I don’t know why I’m like this I do wish I’m normal like other ppls. My mom tell me to stop pushing ppls away from my life, everytime i hear someone say so I cry and get so defensive like if you care why would you leave me alone when things get hard. Like I keep testing ppls to see if they really care because that’s what i would do, stick around no matter what. But I kind of realized no one have that kind of patience with me, I always felt alone and unheard. Everyone i met tell me I’m different and weird both good way & bad while I myself feel so normal, the instant they say so I get discomfort, question myself & feel like i failed in some sort of way. My childhood, the way i grow up, my life decisions, how i choose to live nothing is normal to this society. I’m living like an alien in this planet earth. And I feel society want all the fake emotion rather than real one. I can’t get angry, cannot express my negative thought, always have to be happy, positive, it just so tired sometimes having to fake it. I just want everything to end but so much responsibility and I know it’s wrong so I keep going. But it feels so hard sometime I can’t breath. Tmr i might feel what the hell is depression im so happy bubbly so many thing to live for, next day I can be a whole different person, sad, dark thought, unhappy, no way out. Am I crazy? | 1 |
It's Getting Bad Again | I have chronic depression it's usually pretty bad but there is a baseline of about of - 1 week or so. Then I can think again and have some knowledge.
I'm studying this certification and no matter how much I pound into my head this thing I still can't make a lot of progress. I know people say oh it takes time. But I've been doing this for a month straight. Just 1 section. Whereas people study and pass the whole test in a month.
I'm just so dumb right now. I want to die. Some relief. Kill me. | 1 |
Aimless again | For a while, stepping in as a father figure for my nieces provided a sense of purpose and feeling loved. My brother and his family are the only reason I moved up here, and the only people I know. I don't make friends easily, for reasons I'll probably get into
But recently, my brother has turned a new leaf and has been patient and understanding in his interactions with his kids, and less of a bully. I find myself not having to be the emotional support and role model they used to need. My relationship with my sister-in-law is complicated, but on the day-to-day, we get along fine. She's really the only person I hung out with up here, which was fine with me, since I got to spend time with the kids.
Around the same time, my sister-in-law had a friend move into town who also has kids. They hang out all the time, now. Even when they do invite me, I'd rather not go. She's nice enough, but I have social anxieties, and don't care for bring around new people who I have to filter myself around.
I have few interests, and I have strong opinions about those interests. I love story, and I hang around people who like Big Bang Theory and had no problem with the end of Game of Thrones. There's no one in my life that analyzes stories for their themes in a way that I find intellectually simulating. No one around me seems to value creativity or storytelling. I constantly find myself having to bite my tongue so that I don't annoy people, or shit all over things they like. I find the current state of our media landscape abysmal.
So as I find myself becoming less relevant to my nieces' lives, I find myself becoming aimless again. | 1 |
i’m scared of what my sport is doing to me. | i doubt anyone will take the time to read, it’s 5:52 am pst and i’m about to board my flight back to my home state. However, my mental health has hit rock bottom I believe.
I’m an collegiate athlete F(21). More specifically, a track and field athlete. I can say that I am probably fairly good? A little above average? I’ve been running since I was little so this sport has been the only thing I’ve ever known in my entire life. Never had a job. I mean, the regular sob story of an athlete that sacrificed a lot and what not to get where I am etc etc. But it’s been hard… harder than I can ever imagine and sometimes wish I’ve never done this.
Comparing yourself to someone is really the worst thing someone could ever do but it’s so hard not to especially in sports. I just came off of a season that I’m not sure how to describe it. It started off…bad? I cried a lot. Lots of tears and confusion mainly because my season prior started off great but ultimately ended with me getting covid and it affecting my breathing terribly. We didn’t know this at the time because when I got tested, it showed up negative so it is just a guess but my breathing randomly was truly awful. Back to my current season, I never realized that it was still affecting me terribly so fall training was actually the worst.
Outdoors… well, it started off better. I felt like myself again and I was thriving. I was running nationally ranked times for the first time ever and thought that this could be my turn around. Except now, I got injured at the worst time possible. So I got denied another year to go to nationals. It sucked bad because of how my outdoor season was going… I imagined myself on the podium with a trophy at hand. I watched all my peers from my school and a couple friends that has scattered all across the country from their school thrive and live a dream that I so badly want.
I’ve always known that my mental was bad yet I tried so hard to prepare. I meditated, I read books on mental strengthening, I journaled, I tried eating and sleeping even better than before. I had mental race plans to talk to myself before each race. I even see a psychologist very often because of terrible race anxiety as well (he’s out of town on vacation currently which is why I turned to this platform).I’ve tried extremely hard to overcome “the voices telling you to quit” lol.
Since my outdoor season was once amazing, my time still qualified me for USATF where I could potentially make the USA team and run for my country. That’s where I currently am… or well currently leaving now to catch my flight. And I’m sad. I have no one to vent to like this and it’s killing me because I’ve been crying everyday since my injury happened 2 months ago. I’ve tried hard to train through the pain and bounce back and redeem myself from not making nationals but actually ran a time I haven’t ran since high school…. Im watching all my friends and a teammate of mine advance and it hurts so much especially knowing my potential but I‘be become so weak minded and I’ve been even more weak minded every since the injury. To be denied last year and this year once again hurt.
I have one more year left. My fifth year actually, thanks to covid yet I’m scared. I feel like i’ve lost all motivation to do anything. If it wasn’t for covid, this is actually how my collegiate career could have ended. The worst way possible. I could also say that these past two years, track has really negatively affected my life despite how good I was doing. I mentioned before that I had race anxiety. It’s really bad however I’d still perform well on most occasions. But I hate that feeling. I feel like i’m forcing myself to be okay when it’s literally been feeling like a chore to eat, drink, warmup, and etc.
I hope no athlete reads this because it does sound like i’m complaining and just weak at this point. Because maybe I am making excuses? Not sure but I feel terrible because it’s kind of like I’m just in the stage of why me? The feeling of rejection is really taking a toll on me. Everyone around me is living their dream and I’m going back home for another year with nothing but regret and doubt. And I’m so sad. So sad because even before I was popping off for a moment, I couldn’t even enjoy it. I had a hard time celebrating my accomplishments and I still do. I don’t know how to stop feeling like i’ve let everybody down, myself included— that I’ve worked so hard to receive minimal rewards.
I’ve always wondered about athletes who get hurt and have an epic comebacks. How were those few months of the injury mentally? How did you get through these awful roadblocks that makes you want to quit so badly even if you love the sport so dearly? Because I’m struggling. Bad. I don’t think I’ll quit yet every year I’ve been feeling nothing but depression when it comes to this sport and wonder if I can mentally and emotionally handle another year of this.
I’m trying hard to believe that it’s just not my time and that my time will come soon but I feel like time is slowly ticking. I have one more year to try and achieve all that I can and I’m afraid that I will lose myself trying to do so. Track is all I’ve ever known since I was like 6. I don’t know anything else and I’m not experienced in anything else. I feel like if I quit, that I might not adjust well to… well… a regular life? They emphasized so much on how athletes out of college struggle so much after they are done and what not and it scares me.
I don’t want to quit yet this sport is eating me out alive to the point that even if I was doing well I wasn’t happy but not doing good would send me into a horrific spiral (which actually is one reason why I ended my relationship because I was so sad yet so track focused I didn’t think I could handle it/that it was fair for my partner to constantly deal with my emotions and declining mental health).
This is quite the summed up version of how I’ve been feeling. All the cryings in the shower, the rehab, the loss of appetite and interest to do absolutely anything is really consuming me. I am now leaving USATF with another failed attempt of trying to achieve that dream of mine.
I won’t quit track but I’m so scared of what it is doing to me. | 1 |
I can't be happy anymore | Recently i was abandoned by my parents in different country and i don't know what to do (i live here but i can't find properly work). sometimes o want to disappear | 1 |
Just want to cry | I do | 1 |
Left Low and Dry | Well, I don’t know how to go about this, I don’t even know how to process my emotions in this current moment, but anyway my girlfriend of more than 3 years broke up with me last night, the reason being she “wanted to be free” and “have freedom” and apparently that can’t be done with me even if I’m more than willing to give her time to herself so basically there’s nothing I could say or do about it, 3 years down the drain… I’ve always been more than willing to fix any issue that presented itself, I’ve always wanted to make things work not even just with her but with everyone I’ve been friends or girlfriend with but after everyone you’ve ever had any kind of friendship or more abandons you, then you start to think that it’s hopeless to keep trying… I don’t have anyone or anyone else to spend time with, which is why I’m making this post. Hopefully this doesn’t come across as me having a pity party or something but this is just a day that I hoped would never come and I tried everything I could… I hoped I’d never be alone again… feel free to message, maybe we can even become friends, but probably not considering… | 1 |
I don't know what to do anymore | I feel so stuck. All I do when I am not at work is playing games on my phone or watching tv. I feel miserable, I can hardly make myself do anything productive. I hate my job and taking the steps to find something else feels impossible. Going back to school, making a portfolio, applying to jobs, it all feels so out of my reach and I cannot physically make myself do anything. I am so unhappy and I so badly want to do these things but my body just won't move. I sit and play games and feel even worse about myself. My sister is in nursing school and I see how hard she works and it could never be me. I never really applied myself in school and all I can think about is how much I could have done or how better off I would be now if I had pushed myself before. I hate myself and I feel like such a loser and I don't know how to change anything. | 2 |
Contemplating suicide | Literally everything feels hopeless I don’t have anyone really in my corner everyone i have just judges my mental health and everything I do to try to make things better just doesn’t work I literally am just at a breaking point where I feel like there’s no possibility of anything getting better everyone just seems to have such a better life then me | 2 |
What’s the point? | Why should we keep living if we are going to die anyway? Why should we continue to live in this world when after we die you wouldn’t even remember any of it? No matter how happy or long you live for, it all has the same destination. There’s no point. | 2 |
I never loved myself | I have always done so much for everyone around me. I always make sure everyone I know is the happiest they can be. I will do anything for others. I've helped strangers. People have told me I'm the nicest person they've ever met. I took up cooking because my ex partner didn't know how to cook and was eating like garbage, now I am known by pretty much everyone I know for being a great cook (I actually use spices). Why can't I do the same to myself? What stops me from making myself feel as good as I make others feel? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I hate myself so much? Why have I had constant thoughts about suicide since 5 years old?
My depression has gotten so terrible recently. all of my relationships are gone. I broke up with my partner. I have no friends. I don't talk to anybody. I can only think about killing myself. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it tomorrow. I just hate... everything. I'm in so much pain | 2 |
i wish i didn’t exist. | at least that way i can’t leave my family without closure. i’m so tired of feeling this way | 2 |
It all seems so pointless | I'm always tired just trying to exist and I don't even want to. All I seem to do is go to work and come home and do nothing because I'm too tired from work. Doing anything else costs money, which I don't have unless I sell my labour. My body aches and my mind is constantly battling itself. I want to be in love and experience life through someone else's eyes but I can't find anyone who feels the same way about me because there isn't much to love. I used to have talent but I never have the motivation to practice anymore and now other people have surpassed me. My job is the only thing I'm good at and I can't even find the passion for that so I don't make the effort. People say they care but they're never really there for me when I need them the most. I want to stop existing but I don't want to kill myself. I hate that everything is monetized and your worth in this fucked society is determined by how much of your precious time on this planet you're willing to sell to some fucking cunt with no moral compass who is perfectly happy to exploit others for their own personal gain, then have the absolute cheek to pretend that they work just as hard. Fuck this. | 2 |
Literally don’t know anymore | I’m so sad and I just feel so alone I feel like I have no one in my corner or anyone who understands me I literally just most of the time wanna give up | 2 |
How to stop venting? | I’ve realized that I have a problem with venting to people both when they’ve offered to listen to me talk about my problems and when they haven’t. I’ve been trying to stop altogether for a while now but I can’t seem to prevent myself from occasionally letting things out when I feel comfortable/vulnerable. I was on a good month long streak of not letting anything out (at least while sober), but I ended up failing today and I want to make that the last time it happens. Is there anything I can try to do to keep it from happening other than just sort of biting my tongue per se? Any help is appreciated, also don’t tell me to just let myself vent. | 1 |
Giving up - losing the will to live | Hi... so as the title says I really am having way to many issues to even live or even do anything haven't really slept to the point where there's bags in my eyes I'm 19 btw...
My head hurts with constant headaches, constant rage blackouts total of 5 within the last 2 months. Heartaches that feel ghostly physical. Having the good case of delusions l, hallucinations well essentially shit that even my religious friend is... well figuring out how to help.
Im so lonely. Lost all my friends because of my own self-destructive self pity shit 10 years later after losing my grandparents... (my mom and dad weren't great parents they were not abusive they just... their marriage was just flat out rushed so they never gotten along) and here I am no friends, no grandparents to tell me how to get through this, a shitty mom that I just really want nothing to associate her with, and a dad whose burnt out to the point where I'm usually silent in the house or just make talking short enough.
Sadly my depression has gotten to the point where even my precious dog really doesn't know how to approach me especially I usually have a total of mood swings every 2 hours... 10 minutes for recent ones. Sadly I'm just giving up cause there's no point in doing this... living life when there's no point everything feels stale and shit. I don't even have enough motivation to find work or get out of bed in general boarding up my room in the dark just wondering if I was good enough for anybody...
And it just ends up the same thing and the same voice. "I was never good enough. So why am I here." I mean I haven't thought of killing myself at all I'm just at the point to where it's just vest to do nothing but be in the dark room til something changes
Even if it's small | 1 |
No one will remember me | I'm typing this as i can't contain my angst anymore... i'm used to feel lonely, but as i grow it gets more painful.
Why does it have to be like this?? Why am i so miserable?
I went through school, uni, 4 years of taking dance classes, now work, and i haven't met a single person who cares to know me outside of those places..
I hate my days off, i spend them lying in my bed trying to hold my tears because no one wants to see me.
What is wrong with me?
It's so hard to go through life without anyone noticing you. I have only one friend since my childhood, and she never makes time to see me and i feel like i'm always a bother.
I feel like no one feels anything about me, not interest or anything.
It hurts just to stay alive | 1 |
Help me | I don't feel alive any more. I just want to die but I can't bring myself to do it. What's the least painless way to commit suicide | 1 |
I dont want to die. But living doesn't really feel beneficial to anyone anymore. | I guess some background since I have nothing to lose and if you all judge me you'll just be in line behind me.
I'm in the army and I've probably had depression most of my life and trying to stay undiagnosed for fear it would have ruined my chances for a career and opportunities.
I'm also married and that is now probably the reason why I'm on here today. When the war in Ukraine kicked off to full escalation I was with a unit that got slung over there after already completing a deployment. So you can imagine that was pretty stressful and hard on families.
Well when over there I ended up talking to an old acquaintance that I had talked to when in Europe before getting serious with my now wife. When over there, in a moment of weakness I ended up talking to her again and talking to her in a way that was inappropriate for a married man. She reached out and told my wife and I have been coming to terms with my flaws and trying to fix things ever since.
That was well over a year ago and I feel like no matter what I do it will not get better. My wife seems to find things that make her unhappy and fairly or unfairly levels them at me. And I catch myself more and more wondering why I don't just..dissappear. Just make myself gone and my wife gets 500,000 dollars and no longer has to be reminded of me again. Because whether it's the house, the dogs, the neighborhood or anything else it's always just not good enough and it's my fault. My fault cause I'm in the army. My fault cause I was unfaithful. My fault cause maybe I dont work hard enough or prioritize her enough. And honestly I don't blame her.
But today, 2 days before I have to leave for a 2 month training she brings up the whole infidelity again and makes me run through the whole thing again and levels at me for being duplicitous for not being more open with the details when it happened. And I can't be mad at her about that. I wasn't fully honest when confronted and been working on why I did what I did and doing all the things I'm supposed to try and fix trust without destroying my well being in the process.
But maybe that's it. A whole relationship just boiled down to one mistake. Every moment of support and love and sacrifice just swept away by a secret sorrow of loneliness, and fear of pending death, and feeling I was hated by my spouse for abandoning her because I had to deploy.
And so now I feel that there's no coming back. My wife will never trust me again and I can't fix it and nothing I do will be enough. And maybe this is where we just get a divorce but that's the thing, I LOVE MY WIFE. I didn't wanna get married, never planned on it but she filled my heart with such magic and love and belonging that I wanted to make a future with her. And now all I can think is that the best thing I can do is find some easy way to leave the world and give her half a million dollars to make her life easier.
Anyways, sorry that was long. | 1 |
What do i do about the guilt? | I keep pushing my friends away. Not responding to people i used to text 24/7, never picking up the phone, flaking on plans last second, i feel like a fucking terrible friend. i just let myself rot in bed all day, constantly tired but barely ever awake. the guilt of this is making all of it worse, amplifying the actions that put me in this mindset in the first place. its a endless cycle of thinking i hit rock bottom until the next day comes and i get lower. I’m starting to feel like i dont deserve the people in my life, and im even losing love for them. How could they, stable and compassionate people, love a selfish low life like me? it just doesnt make sense. I dont trust them to trust me and i DEFINITELY dont trust them to love me. all im gonna do is disappoint | 1 |
tired again | I hate how my self-confidence is so fucking low
I am losing the only person I have .... which is me
I am so alone | 2 |
I feel useless and not wanted | I have a belief
You know how in nature like animals are left behind or get eaten for being useless, Like either babies or young animals, and then some are left behind for not being a good choice for mating. Well, I feel like in the human species, i'm a useless female and no one will ever choose me as a mate, my appearance, personality, baggage, trauma, I feel no good.
I'm a last resort and barely that.
Im hanging on the human clearance rack
I make a horrible daughter, granddaughter, cousin as well.
I feel like No man will ever look at me or love me enough and feel the instinctual need to protect me and provide for me. I am not feminine or small enough to look like a female who needs it. I don't want to by myself. I want to be loved and treated like a lady and feel protected and wanted and loved. I can't see someone ever loving me enough to get on one knee and ask me to be their wife. I feel so useless. I cannot go on with this female human experience. It did not go the way little kid haley thought it would. | 1 |
Why am I not happy? | I never thought I would think about not being around and plan about it. It's scary. I feel like a burden, it's stopping me from opening up to anyone. I can't even tell my girlfriend about my thoughts cause I'm scared she'll think I'm trying to make excuses to take up her time, and like not take me seriously or something. Everyone has shit to deal with, then why am I the only one who feels like this? I feel so stuck in this thought loop of planning and trying to stop myself from taking any actions. I have a major exam coming up and I don't seem to be even slightly bothered about it. I can feel myself deteriorating in every way possible. I have been worse state, but at least my will to live kept me going. The will to live is going away so fast. It's hard to even accept the reality of me questioning my own existence. I have the habit of reminding myself to be grateful everyday, but it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Can't remember the last time I was actually happy. I think I've been having panic attacks for two weeks constantly now, even distractions aren't working anymore. I wake up and my heart starts rushing, i start sweating and hyperventilating in just a few minutes. It's so hard to keep it together in front of people. I just want this pain to end somehow, but I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING THE PAIN. There should be a reason behind this but I can't find it. | 2 |
I miss being happy | Two months ago I was relatively happy, my mom was out of the psychiatric hospital, I was in a relationship with someone I liked (still like) very much, was in a job I liked, my life was fine.
I've always had problems with depression and self-steem, but things were fine. In the last month my relationship ended things with me, although it wasn't that bad since he was sincere and very nice and we are still very good friends it hurts like hell. I decided to move cities since I was very sad and my contract with my job was ending soon and I wasn't able to get another one yet. It wasn't 100% certain I would move, but then my mom tried to kill herself for the second time this year and had to be hospitalized again. Last time it was in January, I had just turned 18, but that time I wasn't alone, I had my relationship. This time I would be alone. I can't bear being alone and sad so I decided to come to my father's city since I have my sisters here, but i'm regretting profoundly.
I miss my old life, I don't have any friends here, I don't have my ex, the city I used to live was beautiful, this city only has buildings. And on top of all of that, my apartment isn't finished so I'm staying at my sister's house and i'm so frustrated, I can't stand being away from home for too long so this feels like torture.
I want desperately to go back to my life. Sorry for the long vent | 2 |
I don’t know what to do | I know I keep bragging I’m sorry but where tf can I go, pathologists take so long to get an appointment, I’m thinking I should actually kill myself, so many people told me to kms and I have a big nose and I’m ugly, and I don’t want to hear “you’re not ugly” I don’t wanna hear that fucking sugarcoating lie, IM FUCKING UGLY, yes I care about what other people think and I can’t help it, no one in my fucking life NO ONE FLIRTED WITH ME, I NEVER BEEN IN REAL RELATIONSHIPS, everyone fucking uses me and manipulate it and I seek that fucking validation but I don’t get it since I’m fucking ugly worthless piece of FUCKING GARBAGE!!!!
I don’t know what to do anymore I cut my whole wrists there’s no where else to cut, I started cutting my leg and it doesn’t feel as good as cutting your wrist, I abused benzodiazepines and it helped until today I got a fucking crash and I had a panic attack! WHICH I NEVER GET A PANIC ATTACK, I took too much benzodiazepines and zolpidem and I think it’s time to stop so now I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO COPE WITH MY SHIT, I cant cut, I cant abuse drugs, NOTHING THERES FUCKING NOTHING!!, all I want is a guy that makes me feel validated and wanted and worthy FUCK | 0 |
I never know whether it's my ADHD, depression, or anxiety that causes the most impairment. | ADHD went undiagnosed until January of this year (although I've been taking medication for it since October 2018), so comparing myself to neurotypical people is a daily habit that I'm trying to break. It's very difficult. Executive functioning hasn't been very good all my life and I just thought it was laziness. So ADHD impacted my ability to do well both academically and socially. I have always felt less than my neurotypical peers and have constant FOMO. Nowadays, I can't focus on anything, I'm not passionate about anything, and I don't get pleasure out of anything. I'm on Vyvanse 30mg and although it helps the avolition, it makes the anxiety worse, which can hurt my productivity. My mind always immediately jumps to ADHD, but I can never tell. | 2 |
Everyday I go to sleep I hope I do t wake up the next morning. (21M) | Everything I have ever cared about has either died, abandoned me, or took advantage of me. I hate life and there is nothing good about it. I hope I die tomorrow, and I will probably feel the same way the next day. | 3 |
i can let go of people easily, but i still miss and dread living without them | why do i seem to have the ability to get rid of anyone so easily, the moment i realize they can hurt me? i used to not be able to let go of people, worrying about how lonely i’ll become or how life will be without them no matter how they hurt me, but with time i got to the habit of extreme coldness and carelessness if i understand that they can even touch my emotions the wrong way.
but i still miss them, a lot. i dont go back for them, i cut everything off all at once without making a fuss about it, or telling them why, i just leave and believe it’s for the best, but i still think about and miss them, but i find that no matter how badly i want them, i never go back | 2 |
Feeling void of anything | I don’t think I’ve felt peace since I was 15. In 22 now. I got pregnant when I was 16 and as you can imagine, my whole life flipped. It was my fault yes but at the same time, I was raised in a community that did not teach safe sex. They just said don’t do it. It felt the same as having a beer or smoking a joint. I don’t have an identity. I don’t know who I am. I want so badly to spend my days alone and sleep and rot in my bed. I work every single day and I get one day off in the week. I live with my parents, who don’t respect me as my kids mom. They let the dogs poop and pee in the house and I have to clean it most of the time because they won’t. I’m terrible with money because nobody ever showed me how to handle it. I have nothing. I pay for my car, my phone, etc and that’s not a problem. But I have no money. I have nothing for me. The money I do have goes to my kid. And then I get bitched at for not having money.
This is how I’m feeling for the last few months. I feel completely void. Of anything. I just saw my long distance boyfriend for the first time in a while yesterday and I was happy, but that numb, empty feeling stayed. I feel awful. I want to die but I don’t want to commit suicide. I just want to sleep. The anxiety of going to work for the whole week makes me want to vomit. I fucking hate my life. I really just hate me. | 2 |
Hey, im relapsing substantially, any tips to get me through the night? | So, I just ended a 3 year strak without serious suicide thoughts, and am now doing my best to not cut my arm open (no serious cuts, maybe dangerous, but not life threatening).
Any Tipps for coping/ ignoring my own thoughts? | 2 |
Did you get out of depression and how was that for you? | Very depressed and can’t feel anything/no joy and also too confused and anxious to even think straight (only thinking about my past/not having ground under my feet). Did someone have this and get out of thie? | 2 |
im really in a bad place feel so pathetic | im thinking all day long about the girl i left 3 years ago... i had almoust a year i could fix it mybe half a year but i fuck it up,, i was mentally eall and i literlly lost evrithing ,, im alredy 35 soon and its feel my life going backwards,, i dont know whay not giving up ///
someone hear was obsesed after so long?
at the begining i was at denile soo its came after long time... | 3 |
The reasons i didn't commit suicide are gone | It's now been almost 4 months since my dog and my cat died, just two days apart and that has been killing me. My cat was my age (18) and my dog was three years younger. I promised myself that i would kill myself if either my pets died before i moved out or if anything would happen to my parents. These two scenarios would be the last straw. And here i am dogless, catless, my parents are devorced so i'm also virtually motherless as i'm living with my dad and my mom lives in another city. It feels like a sick joke by fate, that excactly these two things happened. I can't keep living like this but for some reason i haven't killed myself yet. | 3 |
I don’t know but I feel like I might have a mood disorder that has been undiagnosed for more than 15 years. | Hello, hope you all are doing well. My name is Obinna, and I reside in Nigeria. I am a 33-year-old fellow. For the past month, I have been having low energy, difficulty concentrating, and finding it hard to remember things. The trigger (in my opinion) was the registration for my GRE exam since I want to enroll in a data science master's program next year in the US. I started noticing these symptoms the exact day after the registration. This is confusing because I have been studying for my GRE for months. I have been doing great on my practice tests and it was the confidence that moved me to register for the actual exam. Therefore, I don’t understand why I am exactly feeling lethargic and all. It is weird because for the previous 3-4 months before the onset of the lethargy, I have had a normal or even better mood. I was treated for depression during my undergraduate days, and I actually had to leave medical school because the various mood episodes interfered with my studies. I remember having the same motley of symptoms during the last 4-6 weeks leading up to my second-year medical school exams. It was surprising when my former classmates heard that I was leaving medical school because up until that period, I had been doing well with my studies. I never failed an exam and was even doing great in anatomy. I changed to economics and finished from it but even while in school, I still noticed that I had periods of high and low moods. I finished with a good grade though I feel that I would have done better if I wasn’t having these episodes. I just feel compelled to ask other people for their opinions because sometimes I wonder if I would have done far better in life had my situation been taken a closer look at. I am ok at where I am career-wise and financially, but I feel like I am destined for greater things. Nigeria and Africa as a whole, are not big on mental health. I remember when I was in medical school and told my parents that I was depressed, my dad didn’t believe there was anything like depression. He was like why would you be depressed when you have all your needs taken care of? My mother was a bit more understanding because she once had post-partum depression but still, it was not like the mental health thing was taken seriously. I also feel like the periodic episodes later led to some other health issues. I also suffered and currently suffer from anxiety. I have been on anti-hypertensives for 5 years now and do take medication for chronic back pain. I analyze data for a living, hence the reason I want to do the master’s program, but I feel like these periodic episodes are not allowing me to achieve greater things. Any ideas? I want to look for a psychiatrist over here within the next few weeks, but I am not exactly hopeful that they will be helpful. Doctors most times over here dismiss things like this out of hand. | 1 |
I've been feeling empty for years and I'm tired | **Hi**, I'm 27 years old, I've had depression since adolescence (from what I remember at least) and I also believe I've had Dysthymia for about 2 years
Every day that passes I can't find stimuli to do anything, I just feel NOTHING and boredom for everything.
I don't know why I feel this way, I have no reason, I had a good childhood (as a child I was very sociable, even too much to the point of being annoying, now I get bored immediately regardless)
I've never lacked for anything in life, maybe a little bit of money, in my teens I could hardly go out with school friends and spend money on a drink or an ice cream for example, but somehow I was happy to be there and be able to talk and create a discussion.
I'm not the type to want too many things, I'm content with what I have, and even though I now have a job and I can finally afford what I want, I hardly look for new things, I accumulate money them for the future, I accumulate without knowing if I'll ever want to do anything with them important.
I found a job thanks to my father, and by the end of the year I don't know if they will renew my permanent contract (among other things, I thought that with work something in me could improve but absolutely nothing, even if I'm able to buy the things I've wanted for a long time)
I've never been in a relationship and never had sex, I don't care at all and it's the least of my problems, I doubt I'll try it in the future, for what then? I have nothing to offer emotionally, I will die alone and that's okay with me, if I make it alive to 50 it's a miracle for me.
Now nothing interests me and I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't think due to social anxiety but I just can't think of anything as I try to talk about ANYTHING, total blank, I don't know how people do it.
I have no health problems (that I know of at least), I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, I don't do drugs, I don't play sports (years ago I often rode my bike around the city), I don't... I don't know I don't do anything of harmful.
Recently I've been avoiding coffee or tea (not that I drank a lot before, 1 coffee/tea every 2-3-7 days) to see if something changes in my way of thinking or physically, I haven't done any research, maybe it's just stupid but i'm doing it anyway.
I have very monotonous days on the PC, I watch a lot of videos on youtube, I only have 2 friends and they are often busy doing something else.
I live with my mother and I'm pretty sure if she hadn't been with me by now I'd have already committed suicide (I've had suicidal thoughts but only a few years ago, it hardly comes to mind now, luckily?)
This last month I've been trying to do different things than usual, even reluctantly.
I practically never leave the house except to buy something to eat, recently completely at random, I go out, take a few steps and sit on a bench, watching people/cars go by for no reason, I observe.
To see what other people are doing, and they talk, talk, talk, smile, joke and I never know what to think, also because I usually think of absolute blackness, nothingness with some blurry spots... or random stuff.
I like being alone, I don't feel the need to talk to other people, sometimes it's fine for me but I get bored immediately if I don't do something.
At least a few years ago I was able to enjoy video games on the PC and I spent many hours playing many different games but now that I have a job time is not what it used to be and I get pissed easily.
I can't bear this feeling of boredom for everything anymore, I tried to make a list about myself.
As a personality I feel like an extrovert introvert (MBTI Test) of the ISFP or ISFJ type
**I suffer from**:Depression (For years, I believe from adolescence in 2th grade)
Depression - Dysthymia (2 years)
Emotional Numbness
Impostor syndrome (usually).
Attention deficit forever. (I would like to do an analysis and find out if I really suffer from it and what kind)
**MAYBE** I suffer from: Anhedonia
**Problems I have**:
I am not able to have a healthy and sincere laugh (I pretend to laugh, I don't remember how to do it spontaneously).
Non-existent self-esteem.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.
I hate the way I am.
I repress emotions usually (Not always at work apparently).
I'm a pessimist.
If I see someone crying in a movie/anime or in person I easily cry (not always but it's common)
Sometimes I have a messy bedroom (I rarely put it right but I clean it every now and then with a brush).
I'm stupid and I already understood it from adolescence (at school I had a special teacher in elementary/middle school)
Sometimes I get irritated easily.
By car I get pissed off easily if I go slowly, especially in slow-moving traffic.
**I liked**:
Watching sci-fi horror movies (Occasionally a few times).
Videos on youtube (Often).
Playing on PC. (which I used to love but now almost always... mhe)
Sometimes I listen to music (almost always, indeed always Metal)
**I am afraid of**:
Me, I try to always stay calm and polite but I have no idea what I could do if I get really angry, I've never gotten this angry much.
​
In short, here I am, I just want to slap myself and punch the wall for what I'm doing with my life and yet I continue to do nothing, except this attempt to list my problems and try to get out of the comfort zone (leaving observing randomly or recently rent a go kart for racing...)
​
Do you feel like this too? | 3 |
Lost Hope I Know I'm worthless | I won't say too much about myself, except for this the past decade i have always felt never good enough, always lacking in something. My romantic partners reminded me of this as well, as many cheated, monkey branched or treated me like i was/am trash. I've lost a lot of friends over this time, many become busy the others just apathetic/demoralized and not caring.
I dont know what I can do, i am losing motivation to live/fight. Why fight and do better when nothing i do is ever good enough for them. I can fight for a very well paying career and I did, it's easy and clear cut, as well as hitting the gym/rock climbing and getting fit. But a part of just cannot go on being so fucking lonely and knowing that no matter what i do there are better men out there than i, and its not as much of if as much as when she will leave for that better option.
I've watched so many of my friends create families, get married while i spent my time in Uni and then working 80 hours a week to get into the position im in now. But now that i am there, its still not enough.
Looking for some hope reddit, throw me a bone please. Also please dont throw the insult INCEL or anything like that, its disgusting and honestly im sick of hearing it. I can get with women, the problem is keeping them around as they get BORED or something idk
| 1 |
Lost a friend... | I've always been a sensitive person and one of them who trust their friends the most and treat them like own family, irrespective of anything!
So, here it comes like this - I met someone over a social site last year in Summer and we became good friends..(I like knowing people from all over the world and have encountered many beautiful people till now).. A few days ago I got to realize that I'm gaining feelings for him, maybe it was just infatuation..(I don't know).. so, confessed it to him since we were good friends and he used to be a listener of mine! I even told him not to worry about anything, it would take me a few days to be normal again! He seemed to be alright but some of his actions towards me were weird.. still, I didn't give that attention. But today, all of a sudden he told that he doesn't want to stay connected to people he met online! I felt numb and my heart started hurting so bady, loss of appetite...
I tried to talk to him at my best, but he didn't listen and stayed strict to his point of views!
Losing someone is okay right? But how to deal with it when the rejection and coldness come from good friends?
And guess what? None of my friends is there to listen to me today.. I texted other friends but maybe they're also busy with their lives!
I still don't understand what this universe wants to teach me!
So, I've come here if anybody listens to me...! | 2 |
I'm scared of future | I'm so scared of future. Every second. I'm scared that I will be scolded. I'm scared if I take one decision of my own it might ruin my life. I am scared to be happy. If I be happy. It might come back to me making me more sad. I'm so scared. Everyday my future is going dark and dark. I want to live. I don't wanna die. This feeling killes me every second. | 3 |
please help | hi. i’m a 16yr old girl that grew up in canada but now is living in korea. i can speak korean but it’s not that good. i can’t make any friends, or form any kind of relationship. everyone asks me, why? you can speak korean of course you can make friends! no. i can’t describe it but I am so lonley right now. it’s been over four years. i have depression anxiety bpd and more. i dropped out of school since my best friend who spoke english betrayed me and my teacher who i thought was like a father to me that never existed, deleted the evidence. my actual dad abused me until i ran out with my mom who’s not the perfect person but she’s fine. i am really really getting tired. being able to communicate but not being able to have any friends is starting to get me. i sometimes go on random chatting sites just to feel something or just when i feel like i would die, i go there. but these days, it’s been getting worse. i don’t get any sleep, and the more i talk to people on the sites the more i get depressed. oh and all the kids that are my age are having fun, dating and going out but i am literally just here. here in my room. i really really can’t do this. i might be sent to a psych ward soon. i have such intense muscle pain everywhere on my body that i get bruises from trying to massage them. please help me. what do I do? i can’t even drink my troubles away because i’m 16. i don’t know what to do. i feel like i would self harm again but I don’t want that, please help | 3 |
why can’t i do the things i love | there are so many things i want to do. so many hobbies and activities i plan on doing and love to do but i can’t bring myself to doing anything besides playing video games and watching tv. i am alway trying so hard to not let myself think about anything, and so it scares me to do something that doesn’t completely take me out of my reality. all day at work i’ll think about coming home and making art or playing an instrument or going for a walk, but when i get home it’s like i go on autopilot. sit at my computer and stay there until bed. i really really want to do the things that i know i love to do, and it feels so ridiculous that i can’t do them. i am forcing myself to rot in my office chair and it feels so awful to know i can only blame myself for it. i am the reason i am unhappy and lonely and letting the time just slip away. it seems like such an easy solution, to just start doing those things, so why can’t i do it? what the hell is wrong with me? | 2 |
I think i've hit the rock bottom | Losing my friends slowly because i suck at communication. I really tried. I went outside, i worked out, i ate healthy. But right now i just don't feel any physical capacity to get up even. Hard to think. Anxiety every morning and all day long is fucking unbearable. Sleep is fucked. Feeling literally intoxicated, even though I don't do drugs. I am happy right now because I decided to skip the shower and just crash and fall asleep at 9 o'clock and don't text or call anyone. I don't want to live but i am too afraid to die also. | 1 |
paranoia | anyone ever feel paranoid about others i just get paranoid about people having tinted windows on cars and people with big fancy trucks like they are all that or better than everyone with a car i just dont understand anything in life i guess | 2 |
Im so lost right now | Hi everyone, first time posting here so please be gentle with me. Im a 27 year old having depression cycles after I lost my job 6 months back. Basically the story is, first job I had I loved everyone around me but I could not handle the workload given and the second job straight up "fired" for being incompetent. I am a degree holder but I cannot seem to find a job. I thought life would be easier as everyone would say that having a degree will land you more jobs. But I feel like that is not true at all. I had been jobless for 5 months after first job and now 6 months and counting. Im here to seek advise as Im already having suicidal thoughts and panicking as I have bills to pay and marriage to prepare but no money to begin with. What can I do to make my situation better and I know that suicide doesnt help me in life? | 2 |
It’s hitting really hard again. | Each morning I wake up with a sinking feeling in my chest. I go back and forth between wanting to cry all the time and feeling nothing. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot and I recently slipped up and cut myself. The anxiety is eating at me, it feels like I’m about to implode on myself. I just want to make it through this week. I have a trip at the end of this week planned for me and my boyfriend and I’m hoping the change in scenery will helped, but I’m not completely confident in that. | 4 |
Increasing motivation? | I’ve suffered with this disease since my early teens, but it only gets intense when bad life events happen. I recently have found it so hard to do things I would usually be excited to do. Working on my project cars, going out with friends, and most importantly, the gym. My career depends on my strength and fitness, the gym is my favorite place to be. It’s not that I don’t want to do any of these things, the best way I can describe it is lethargy taking over. I’m giving Busbar a shot, currently about 3 weeks in. Does anyone have ideas on how I can overcome this? | 3 |
friendships | I have some friends, but I don't feel like I can tell them anything. I'm always alone in my mind, and when I feel empty, I'm looking for people I can dm on my phone, but I can't find a single soul.
If I find someone I love that much and tell them about my feelings, I'm not sure if they even care or if they just get annoyed.
It's really just an endless circle of pointless friendships (in my mind), and I feel like I need to find someone I love more than myself. | 3 |
I wanna kms so bad but im too much of a coward to do it | I don't have anything I want to live for. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm thinking about the hassle my parents would go through after my death.
But im so tired i just wanna sleep and never wake up. | 6 |
It bothers me just as much as it has since it began, but I can’t cry anymore | I’m not god. I don’t know how I ended up here. When I started feeling this way, I used to be so sad and distraught. I thought something was wrong and if I tried hard enough, I could fix whatever was happening. It was like an overnight switch. I feel like I have some sort of disability or brain damage, but maybe I’m depressed. After eight months of feeling this way, I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again. I used to miss my old self so much, but with the passing of days, I’ve forgotten more and more of what I liked about myself and how I used to feel. I just took a nap after a good workout this morning and I woke up and remembered how my thoughts would immediately skip and cheer at the dawning of a new wakeful period and what the day might hold for me. Today I just woke up groggy to a ceiling and world I hate. I don’t think much anymore. It seems like nothing crosses my mind. I didn’t think that was possible, but apparently it is. | 4 |
Nobody actually cares. | I made a reddit just so i could anonymously post because nobody wants to actually hear about your problems.
I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember, going on for years at a time thinking about it everyday.. I haven't been however in quite awhile .. but not anymore. I'm extremely introvert and I don't ever spent time with people. My sister tried to set me up with one of her co workers.. and in my classic fashion I set up a date, and came up with an excuse I couldn't show up because of the human interaction, and the fact i have trust issues. But she kept on it, and eventually we went on a date. I had, a GREAT time. We got along fantastic, have similar interests and she acted as though she was deeply infatuated. We ended up kissing at the end of the night, and it got very hot and we ended up hooking up.. for the next few days she texted me consistently how much she likes me, misses me and wants to see me again. The time for the 2nd date comes and she ghosts me for 2 days .. comes back with an excuse . This happened 4 or 5 times. I told her I was over it and that i had issues with past relationships. She talked me into going on another date.. we had a great time again. Had dinner, watched fireworks and cuddled until about midnight when I took her home. Again, she was texting me calling me handsome telling me she liked me... and ghosted me again. So I told her I want a partner not games..she said she was sorry and wanted to make it up. So I agreed to see her again...and, ghosted. Now she says she doesn't have time to date . She played me so hard, I completely opened up and let myself be vulnerable and she walked over me like I was trash, she wasted hours and hours of my time wating for her to show up for a date..I feel like this was my kast try.. I can't deal with this again.. I'm weak. I'm broken. If it wasn't for my daughter I would've been dead years ago. I'm not sure if I can hold on any longer just for her sake. I'm in pain everyday, I hope an accident happens and I die. I think about turning my .45 on myself everyday or running off the road on my motorcycle at 200mph. My friends have all betrayed me, my relationships have always used me and left me heartlessly...should I really stay on this planet if I can never be happy? What's the point? | 1 |
Shattered and Lost: A Journey through Heartache |
Hey there, everyone. I'm going through a really tough time right now, and honestly, I'm feeling pretty lost and broken. These past few weeks have been a never-ending series of disasters that have left me feeling completely drained.
It all started off okay. I got promoted to a supervisor position at work, and things seemed to be looking up. I was in the middle of a training program, and everything was going smoothly. But then, out of nowhere, my girlfriend, who also worked with me, suddenly stopped talking to me. I couldn't shake the feeling that she had moved on to someone else, and it hit me hard. She didn't even bother giving me an explanation or a heads-up. It felt like a betrayal, you know?
I tried my best to focus on work and push through the stress. I thought that enduring those challenges would make me stronger and help me launch my online business dreams. But life had other plans. I ended up losing my wallet, and with it, all my bank cards that were essential for starting my business online. It was a massive setback, and it felt like my dreams were slipping away.
To add insult to injury, I found out yesterday that my promotion wasn't what it seemed. Turns out, I'm still stuck in the same job title, just with the added responsibilities of a supervisor in therapy, but without the official recognition. It was a complete shock. At that moment, I tried to shrug it off, thinking, "Screw it, I'll find a new job and move on." But today, I'm overwhelmed by a sense of failure and disappointment. It feels like setback after setback, and I can't catch a break.
I can't even remember the last time I genuinely felt happy. It's been so long. This feeling of emptiness has consumed me, and I'm questioning the purpose of it all. I've had thoughts of doing something irreversible, something that would end my pain. The only thing that has kept me from going down that dark path is my mother. She means everything to me, and I can't bear the thought of hurting her.
This darkness came out of nowhere, catching me off guard. I guess it's the accumulation of suppressed emotions over the years. See, when I'm around other people, I try to keep a calm and collected facade. But when I'm alone, it's a different story. I'm overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions, and it's tough not having anyone in my life I can truly call a friend, someone who will listen and offer genuine support. That's why I'm reaching out to all of you here, hoping that someone can offer some guidance or simply lend an empathetic ear.
I want to express my deepest gratitude for taking the time to read this and for any support you can provide. Your kindness could mean the world to me in this shattered state. 🙏💔 | 1 |
Becoming an invisible spectator? | I’m at a point in my life where it seems like everything I worked to build up for myself is crashing down. I’ve always tried to achieve things, succeed, and compete, but I can’t keep up anymore or I’ll go insane. All the effort on things that I don’t really want to do doesn’t help with my mental state, I’ve been in a depressive rut for years.
I heard sometimes you have to just let go. But I’m so scared that if I don’t try an prove my worth all the time that I’ll simply disappear and spectate everyone else, invisible where no one knows my name. In life I never really mattered to my parents or the others around me, I was quiet and weird and everyone else was simply too busy (not their faults at all). It’s made me want to make something of myself and try to achieve so I can be seen and heard. But life is so competitive and I get really scared I’ll disappear if I let go of needless competition(I know I’m an annoying person).
It’s at the point where I wish I could just disappear completely. I just feel like I’m not good enough to live a fulfilling life and I’m always scared someone will take my visibility away from me and I’ll fade away.
I know I don’t sound like a kind person but I try to always do what’s right. But I’m only an insecurity ridden human so I’ll never be perfect. Someone like me probably does deserve to disappear. But if I do, will I be able to come back better? I feel like I’m too weak to do so.
Just a rant, maybe someone relates but I don’t have anyone to talk to and I needed to speak this nonsense out.
TLDR: I’m so insecure with myself that I’m scared to let go of needlessly trying to prove myself because I might lose my identity/personhood, forced to be an invisible spectator in everyone else’s life. | 3 |
New wiki on how to avoid accidentally encouraging suicide, and how to spot covert incitement | We've been seeing a worrying increase in pro-suicide content showing up here and, and also going unreported. This undermines our purpose here, so we wanted to highlight and clarify our guidelines about both direct and indirect incitement of suicide.
We've created a wiki that covers these issues. We hope this will be helpful to anyone who's wondering whether something's okay here and which responses to report. It explains in detail why *any* validation of suicidal intent, even an "innocent" message like "if you're 100% committed, I'll just wish you peace" is likely to increase people's pain, and why it's important to report even subtle pro-suicide comments. The full text of the wiki's current version is below, and it is maintained at [/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement).
We deeply appreciate everyone who gives responsive, empathetic, non-judgemental support to our OPs, and we particularly thank everyone who's already been reporting incitement in all forms.
Please report any post or comment that encourages suicide (or that breaks any of the other guidelines in the sidebar) to the moderators, either by clicking the "report" button or by [sending us a modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FSuicideWatch) with a link. We deal with all guideline violations that are reported to us as soon as we can, but we can't read everything so community reports are essential. If you get a PM that breaks the guidelines, please report it both [to the reddit sitewide admins](http://www.reddit.com/report) and to us in modmail.
Thanks to all the great citizens of the community who help flag problem content and behaviour for us.
******
***[/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement)***
*******
###Summary###
**It's important to respect and understand people's experiences and emotions. It's never necessary, helpful, or kind to support suicidal intent. There are some common misconceptions (discussed below) about suicidal people and how to help them that can cause well-meaning people to inadvertently incite suicide. There are also people online who incite suicide on purpose, often while pretending to be sympathetic and helpful.**
###Validate Feelings and Experiences, Not Self-Destructive Intentions###
We're here to offer support, not judgement. That means accepting, with the best understanding we can offer, whatever emotions people express. Suicidal people are suffering, and we're here to try to ease that by providing support and caring. The most reliable way we know to de-escalate someone at risk is to give them the experience of feeling understood. That means not judging whether they should be feeling the way they are, or telling them what to do or not do.
But there's an important line to draw here. There's a crucial difference between empathizing with feelings and responding non-judgmentally to suicidal thoughts, and in any way endorsing, encouraging, or validating suicidal intentions or hopeless beliefs. **It's both possible and important to convey understanding and compassion for someone's suicidal thoughts without putting your finger on the scale of their decision.**
Anything that condones suicide, even passively, *encourages* suicide. It isn't supportive and does not help. It also violates reddit's sitewide rules as well as our guidelines. Explicitly inciting suicide online is a criminal offense in most jurisdictions.
Do not treat any OP's post as meaning that will definitely die by suicide and can't change their minds or be helped. Anyone who's able to read the comments here still has a chance to choose whether or not to try to keep living, even if they've also been experiencing intense thoughts of suicide, made a suicide plan, or started carrying it out.
In [the most useful empirical model we have](https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2009/06/sci-brief), the desire to die by suicide primarily comes from two interpersonal factors; alienation and a sense of being a burden or having nothing to offer. These factors usually lead to a profound feeling of being unwelcome in the world.
**So, any acceptance or reinforcement of suicidal intent, even something "innocent" like "I hope you find peace", is actually a form of covert shunning that validates a person's sense that they're unwelcome in the world. It will usually add to their pain even if kindly meant and gently worded.**
###How to Avoid Validating Suicidal Intent###
Keep the following in mind when offering support to anyone at risk for suicide.
* **People who say they don't want help usually can feel better if they get support that doesn't invalidate their emotions.** Unfortunately, [many popular "good" responses are actually counterproductive](https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2015/03/03/what-not-to-say/). In particular, many friends and family tend to rely exclusively on trying to convince the suicidal person that "it's not so bad", and this is usually experienced as "I don't understand what you're going through and I'm not going to try". People who've had "help" that made them feel worse don't want any more of the same. It doesn't mean that someone who actually knows how to be supportive can't give them any comfort.
* **Most people who are suicidal want to end their** ***pain,*** **not their lives.** It's almost never true that death is the only way to end these people's suffering. Of course there are exceptional situations, and we certainly acknowledge that, for some people, the right help can be difficult to find. But preventing someone's suicide doesn't mean prolonging their suffering if we do it by giving them real comfort and understanding.
* ***An unfixable problem doesn't mean that a good life will never be possible***. We don't have to fix or change anything to help someone feel better. It's important to keep in mind that the correlation between our outer circumstances and our inner experience is weaker and less direct than commonly assumed. For every kind of difficult life situation, you will find some people who lapse into suicidal despair, and others who cope amazingly well, and a whole spectrum in between. A key difference is how much inner resilience the person has at the time. This can depend on many personal and situational factors. But when there's not enough, interpersonal support can both compensate for its absence and help rebuild it. We go into more depth on the "it gets better" issue in [this PSA Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/25igd7/whats_wrong_with_it_gets_better_what_if_it_doesnt/) which is always linked from our sidebar (community info on mobile) guidelines.
* **There are** ***always*** **more choices than brutally forcing someone to stay alive or passively letting them end their lives**.
To avoid accidentally breaking the anti-incitement rule, don't say or try to imply that acting on suicidal thoughts is a good idea, or that someone can't turn back or is already dead. Do whatever you can to help them feel cared for and welcome, at least in this little corner of the world. [Our talking tips](http://redd.it/igh87) offer more detailed guidance.
###Look Out for Deliberate Incitement. It May Come in Disguise.###
Often comments that subtly encourage suicidal intent actually come from suicide fetishists and voyeurs ([unfortunately this is a real and disturbing phenomenon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Francis_Melchert-Dinkel)). People like this *are* out there and the anonymous nature of reddit makes us particularly attractive to them.
They will typically try to scratch their psychological "itch" by saying things that push people closer to the edge. They often do this by exploiting the myths that we debunked in the bullet points above. Specifically you might see people doing the following:
* Encouraging the false belief that the only way suicidal people can end their pain is by dying. **There are** ***always*** **more and better choices than "brutally forcing someone to stay alive" or helping (actively or passively) them to end their lives**.
* Creating an artificial and toxic sense of "solidarity" by linking their encouragement of suicide to empathy. They will represent themselves as the only one who really understand the suicidal person, while either directly or indirectly encouraging their self-loathing emotions and self-destructive impulses. **Since most people in suicidal crisis are in desperate need to empathy and understanding, this is a particularly dangerous form of manipulation.**
Many suicide inciters are adept at putting a benevolent spin on their activities while actually luring people away from sources of real help. A couple of key points to keep in mind:
* **Skilled suicide intervention -- peer or professional -- is based on empathic responsiveness to the person's feelings that reduces their suffering in the moment.** Contrary to pop-culture myths, it does **not** involve persuasion ("Don't do it!"), cheerleading ("You've got this!") or meaningless false promises ("Trust me, it gets better!"), or invalidation ("Let me show you how things aren't as bad as you think!"). Anyone who leads others to expect these kinds of toxic responses, or any other response that prolongs their pain, from expert help may be covertly pro-suicide. (Of course, people sometimes do have bad experience when seeking mental-health treatment, and it's fine to vent about those, but processing our own disappointment and frustration is entirely different from trying to destroy someone else's hope of getting help.)
* **Choices made by competent responders are always informed by the understanding that breaching someone's trust is traumatic and must be avoided if possible.** Any kind of involuntary intervention is an **extremely unlikely** outcome when someone consults a clinician or calls a hotline. (Confidentiality is addressed in more detail in [our Hotlines FAQ post](http://redd.it/1c7ntr)). The goal is always to provide all help with the client's full knowledge and informed consent. We know that no individual or system is perfect. Mistakes that lead to bad experiences do sometimes happen to vulnerable people, and we have enormous sympathy for them. But anyone who suggests that this is the norm might be trying to scare people away from the help they need.
Please [let us know discreetly](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FSuicideWatch) if you see anyone exhibiting these or similar behaviours. We don't recommend trying to engage with them directly. | 1,781 |
Please remember that NO ACTIVISM of any kind is ever allowed here. No matter what day it is. | Activism, i.e. advocating or fundraising for social change or raising awareness of social issues (and suicide is, inescapably, a social issue) is absolutely against the rules here at all times.
Please understand that we're all for smart, strategic mental-health and suicide-prevention activism. It's essential to fight against stigma, misinformation, and discrimination, and to fight for research, treatment, accommodation, acceptance, and understanding. Most of us, one way or another, are mental-health activists IRL.
But activism just doesn't work in a dedicated support space that serves a vulnerable population. We used to allow it but the evidence that it was undermining our primary purpose became overwhelming. We do regret the need for this rule, but the need is inescapable.
Our population is all too well aware of the issues and causes that need support and largely not in a position to take action, so besides the fact that activism is often salt in our community's wounds, it's a waste of the activists' time.
**tl;dr** Any fundraising, awareness raising, petitions, calls for participation, or any post that's about any cause or issue (rather than a request for personal support) is not allowed here. Please report everything of the nature that you see. | 712 |
I feel like the kindest most honest people are on here | The most loving, kind and honest people I’ve met are the first to go, last to finish. We’re all suicidal bc the world is a shit sad place. | 171 |
I absolutely hate it when people say "you are not alone" | It is the most dismissive platitude ever. First of all, yes I am alone. I am incapable of connecting with other human beings on any sort of rewarding or comforting level. No one else can live my dismal life and occupy my tortured mind for me, therefore I am alone.
Also, the fact that there are downtrodden legions of other despondent people out there in the world who are seriously contemplating ending their own lives doesn't somehow uplift my spirits it makes me feel infinitely worse. I know I'm not the "only one who feels this way" and that is even more depressing. | 321 |
Ever feel so bad you can’t even fake smile or happy anymore | Sometimes in life we gotta go thru the motion and force/fake something there
Imagine a stranger strikes up a convo with you. An employee asking you about something. You working your job and you gotta be cool. Typical you reply/talk bright spirited to an extent. A showing that your life is going okay
But I can’t even do that anymore. I can’t fake a smile, energy or any happiness even for a tiny bit in a needed moment.
A stranger talks to me and I sound absolutely lifeless. Not masking the fact I’m depressed as hell. Crazy part is I care that I do but can’t do anything about it
It’s that bad for me. I have no energy, no care. I’m practically fucking dead and ready to go if I don’t get better anytime soon. | 6 |
I am going to be homeless. Why should I continue living? | I am living in a hotel. I had an apartment lined up to move into on the 22nd.
I needed to pay first month's rent as well as all the fees. I had an emergency and had to use all the money I saved up.
Applied for a loan. Denied no matter where I apply and constant email spam now. Because of the hotel i cannot make the $2.5k I need to pay for end of this month, next month, fees, deposits.
No family to live with. nobody wants me. Work from home, so I would lose my job. Asthma, messed up spine, would not survive homeless.
Can't afford to stay here after the 22nd, so I will lose everything.
Tell me why should I live? Why should I suffer if i'm just going to die on the street anyway? I screwed up my life entirely. No kids, no wife, nobody wants me. What life do I have left?
​ | 48 |
why suicide is considered selfishness, because to make a person suffer for the sake of the peace and happiness of others is even more selfish. | null | 5 |
Light at the end | Where I live Euthanasia is legal. I've been interested for years. But it's not easy to get into for just depression, it's usually for more painful physical conditions that can't be cured.
That said, there's precedent so it's not impossible. And after going to therapy for a while and mentioning it a few times it's starting to become a real option. And I'm genuinely surprised but also glad they respect that I'm just done with this live.
Sure beats having to do it myself. Riskier, scarier and probably more painful than what they can offer | 6 |
going to be gone in less than an hour. | he fell in love with someone else that quick. Im all alone now. I don't want to see him with someone else but I also want him to be happy. I have a lot of backup plans if I fail. nothing will change my mind. nobody can save/fix me. I took a lot of ibuprofen so when I try to hang myself hopefully it doesn't hurt much. | 41 |
I hate my parents | I hate them for giving me trauma that makes me feel this way. I hate feeling suicidal. I hate being alive. I hate it all and I just wish I enjoyed things and loved life but I honestly don't. I resent my parents because they are horrible people and I never had a chance at being happy
I am so emotionlly fucked up because of the things they did to me and i dont see any other solution than suidce . Its easier to remove myself because I can't bring myself to remove them from my life, and when i've tried they just show up unannounced. I feel like im trapped in an abusive relationship with and I honestly don't know what else to do. They are my parents. | 8 |
Listen | I posted here 3 years ago. I was fresh off of a breakup, a devastating breakup and was considering suicide because the emotional pain was so great that it was physically painful. I was flooded with comments that were telling me it will get better with time and I will feel better. Here I am, I am 3 years later in a much better spot. I listened to those random commenters, am I a million times happier? No, but I am WAY happier than I was at that time. Please just give time a chance to work it’s magic. | 9 |
I keep telling myself I'm gonna do it and when I try I stop | I'm such a fucking pussy. Life is hard and I can't fucking deal with this shit anymore so I go into the bathroom grab a blade and just hold it. I stare at it and wonder why can't I fucking slit my wrists already and bleed to death. Why am I so fucking scared? I want to die but I'm so fucking scared on what's on the other side. Am I even gonna go to heaven? Am I gonna burn in hell? Which layer am I even going to? Is there nothing? Am I just gonna be stuck in a void forever just because I decided to kill myself? What's gonna happen if I do survive? What if I survive my attempt and my family gets mad at me. What if they have to waste money on me because of my attempt. What do I even tell my friends they don't know I feel this way??? Why am I such a pussy? Why can't I just do it? It's easy!! I just slit my wrists and bleed out but I can't, I can't even cut myself because I'm too fucking scared of everyone finding out and getting shunned. I wish I can die and nothing changes. I wish someone would tell me it's gonna be okay. Why can't someone I love tell me that? | 49 |
life is pointless | I have a chronic, degenerative illness, multiple slcerosis, it's getting worse day by day, and I don't want to live and watch my body slowly loose its function.
I'm 26 and I feel like my life has always been disappointing, always something to suffer about.
I've had my highs when I started uni, and now, about to get the bachelor, I feel like nothing will matter anymore after. What do I get a job for? Can I create a life and family with my body getting worse and worse? What is the point of that?
I'm starting to wonder what is the porpouse of life. And I think that there is none. We just exist, because.
And if we die we wont remember anything because we wont be anything anymore. The only thing stopping me are my parents and friends, they would suffer. But they will die anyway one day, so does it really matter?
If life is a journey, why mine has to be so fucked up?
It doesn't have to.
I don't want to hear any "you will win" or "you are not alone" comments, because, as I said, this shit has no meaning at all. I just wanted to share my point of view. And I will talk about this to my psychologist, don't worry.
The point is that it is not that big of a deal, we will all be gone 100 years from now, and no one will remember us so does it really matter? | 3 |
I can't take it anymore | I can't do it anymore my parents hate me and I'm gonna get kicked out tomorrow I have no friends I have been cutting myself for a week straight I don't have any money I'm just done I'm planning on doing it tomorrow when I leave and I'll never survive out on the streets anyway. | 3 |
I got caught. |
I am so utterly devastated and horrified right now.
I stole my dad's gun so I could do it. Right before dinner I took it and put it in my closet so I could do it once everyone went to bed.
Why did today have to be the day he checked the drawer where it is.
He was looking for it and the whole household was like where did it go and I was shaking I was so scared I didn't know what to do.
Then I just acted like I found it upstairs and gave it.
He came to my room later and he said: "I know it was you, so tell me why you did it"
My heart dropped. I'm so scared. He kept just talking very calmly and I love him so much he said if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone I'll get you a therapist but you have to talk now. He said he was already worried about me because I was too quiet about my feelings and too happy-go-lucky. (He has mentioned this before and those convos make me so sad)
I don't know what to do now. He left for a moment said okay let's pray and then have some cola and talk okay.
I don't know what to say.
I don't wanna live on.
Why did I have to fuck this up so bad.
I'm tired I'm so tired I don't wanna live.
I don't even know why I want to die I don't know what to tell him.
He's about to come back to my room to talk to me and I don't know what to do.
I've never told anyone about the things that go in my head. I can't even understand it myself.
I'm so scared.
Lord, if you exist and you're listening.
Why aren't you as merciful as they say? | 21 |
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