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"Garbage baby" (That's what a receptionist called me) I have a condition that has been mentally draining me for years... | To sum it up, one of the receptionists at this physical therapy place that I go to kept making references to my body odor because I had a bad flare-up today, but this was towards the end of my session when all of the other clients were gone and the staff was mainly chilling and having some sort of relax time, I guess. My last exercise involved me pulling a resistance cord on a wall 30 times in front of me and then to the side of me 30 times. I was nervous because I smelled like food that I didn't even freaking eat. I smelled like I had some bad fast food; I just didn't smell great. When I initially got there, I didn't really smell bad. I sat in the waiting area for a couple hours. In the midst, I ate two blueberry biscuits and drank some water, and eventually it started, but not right away because people still sat near me. I also have a tendency to sweat really bad sometimes, which can make the odor worse. But most of the staff were next to me off to side near the beds and one of the receptionists (there are two normally at the front both normally are nice to me) this one in particular kept making garbage baby references like that "that baby must've been left in/near the garbage" & she kept repeating the word "garbage baby" which I know she was reffering to me & my psy therapist was on her laptop but I know she may've been listening but one of the staff women was asking the woman why she kept talking mess about me and as I was done with my exercises and I walked past her to leave she said "garbage baby" louder so I could hear and then the staff there said bye to me they are kind but her behavior shocked me because she has never really said anything mean to me before but she did look at me annoyed at times when I looked in her direction this has happened another time but I just try to ignore her because i'm exercising most of the time when she has come out into the main exercise space. I think she did it because she knows I may not be coming back due to me possibly switching to somewhere else and insurance things, but I have to go back tomorrow (Friday) because I have to see the psy therapist for a screening. I don't think reporting her would do any good if I didn't come back anyway. Also, no one else really said anything other than this one staff member. Me and her have gotten to have nice chats with each other, and I've opened up to her about the bullying that I received when I was in school but not about my B.O. issues. I also told my psy therapist that I may have TMAU (she didn't know what it meant, but she said she's never smelled me). I know at times I'm fine, and then other times I'm not. I left the establishment feeling defeated, and I was wearing my shades most of the time while I was walking home to avoid direct eye contact with people. I was also watching cars pass me while I stood on the sidewalk and I was trying not to purposely slam my body into one of them. I feel so hated, bruh. I literally don't bother people, and if you talk to me, I'm kind, but people always come for me like I did something to them. I'm so used to people harassing me over this dumb condition or over my appearance. I AM SO OVER IT!!!! I've smelled like feces, fish, ammonia, garbage, food and weed. I'm just tired of it all.
P.S. I'm also trans (FTM), so I get weird stares sometimes when I go in there from other clients. (I'm semi-passing; I'm still waiting for more changes, but my voice still sounds questionable, and I'm waiting for that to deepen more.) Luckily, they are an LGBTQ+ friendly place, but there is still all the hate going around for people like me. I have to fight B.O. and transphobia from certain strangers. I'm on Lexapro now (for depression and anxiety). I'm glad I didn't react to her comments, but yeah, I'm just over this world, but I keep pushing anyway. Sorry for this being long, but thanks if you read it all.
(I try hard every day to stay alive, yall; this shit is rough.) (I keep lying to my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts because I don't want to go back to any hospitals because the people who work there don't care for real, so yup, either I do it, someone else does it or I die from something else I still wanna give myself some more time but my life ain't much of shit anyway i'm makin efforts to live but w/ this condition it makes life so much more difficult) | 2 |
I spent 2 nights at the psych ward last week | And it only made things worse. I'm struggling not to self harm, and if I had the money for it, I'd get some rope. Only reason I'm fighting is the fact my grandma depends on me for help. | 3 |
I have to take a stand | I'm so suicidal. The thoughts of death doesn't even scare me anymore and I only wish that I could do without all the messy aftermath. But, that being said, I may check in with the ER again. I've been there twice but it's better than killing myself I suppose. | 3 |
Planning to commit within a week or so, just wanna ask some people what their thoughts are on some questions I have. | I guess the first is that i probably will leave a suicide note. I wanna clarify my reasons for committing and ensure that friends and family know that they’re actions had nothing to do with it and how much I appreciate them, stuff like that. I wanna know if doing something like this is actually worse? Would leaving last words somehow hurt them more? I already know that I’ll most likely hurt them for the rest of their lives and I’ll never forgive myself for that but the note is supposed to be my stupid attempt at maybe lessening that damage i suppose. I planed on recording the message on my phone, video most likely, and leaving a hand written note next to it with my password and where the message is for them to find it.
Next is what’s a good way to die i suppose? Stupid question but I guess a better way is how could I die fast? I don’t have access to a loaded gun and can’t afford one which sucks so I’m not sure. Overdosing and cutting are supposedly ineffective so I’m not trying those. Hanging idk where I’d hang myself and it’s apparently painful and slow and I’d rather not do that I guess. I’ve thought of jumping off a bridge but there’s not any around where I live honestly, and idk what it would be like if my family had no body to bury. What’s a decent way i suppose? | 1 |
I'm not killing myself because of the guilt I'd feel | I wanted life to end since 11 and I thought I hated it and even made a public song of suicide at 13 and posted it online. One of my classmates reported me to the teachers saying they were concerned and my mom brought it up. Now as I grew older I hate life even more. I don't want to end it yet as theirs one last chain keeping me from doing it, my mom but once that ends what was the point or even the point right now? I just want it all to end I talk to myself like I'm crazy... 😮💨 | 1 |
I am afraid of myself. | I am afraid I will kill myself.
I dont really want to die, but then I have so many moments where I want to kill myself. I realise what I am doing after and it terrifies me.
These moments are getting more and more recently and I get closer and closer to actually doing it. Last time it got far enough for me to actually prepare everything, but then I "woke up".
I am genuinely afraid of myself. | 2 |
Don't wanna be 30 and miserable | I'll turn 29 soon then next year 30
I just can't accept this brutal truth can't believe this ugly shit is me this miserable life is mine
I literally have nothing time goes by and nothing change, god knows how hard I try yet nothing change, still miserable no friends no financial stability no lover no loving family no talents nothing I enjoy no one cares about me I'm only wasting my time in this 8 hours job only to pay bills I don't get to afford anything nice I want I don't get time to myself. I'm exhausted.
I keep pushing the days but really nothing change I should have killed myself last year. I'm planning for today when I'm off job but I don't know there's this tiny bit of hesitation. Like bitch why not? Enough suffering enough humiliation. Just wish me luck please
I need to do it. | 21 |
i just want to go away | my mind is hell | 2 |
A message to my younger self | To my younger self;
I’m so sorry the hate that filled your childhood spilled out into your adulthood. You didn’t deserve any of it.
I’m so sorry that your head filled up with their hateful words. I hope you know that you weren’t ugly or fat.
I’m so sorry that so many adults failed you. Not just the ones in your life, but the ones who participated in the abuse. They as adults should have known better. They should have tried to stop it, not join in.
I want you to know how proud I am of you. At just twelve years old, you took on the worst of humanity. Despite every day being filled with you receiving hateful messages and comments, you kept going.
You deserved so much better. You deserved love and happiness.
I hope that as you continue your life, you continue to be kind to others, even though you were very rarely shown any kindness yourself. Please remember; making people happy feels good. It is amazing to see their faces light up.
Please stay strong. | 1 |
Make it stop please someone | Double dose
Wishing to overdose
If I disassociate at least I won’t be in so much pain
The emotional anguish is unlike anything I can describe and yet it’s completely invisible. Silent and deadly
I’m being over dramatic. Over sensitive.
What would happen if I triple dosed? Can’t be any worse than this. I don’t want to die I just want the pain to stop and I don’t know how to do that | 9 |
What do I do? | Everything on my mind is getting harder to handle and I cant take it anymore. Everyday it's the same things over and over. I always think about my abusive childhood and what it's done to me, and how I won't be normal becuz of it, my sexuality and religious trauma, how ppl have hurt me, my fails, my food/self harm/weed addiction, bedbugs and my scars/bites from them, and everytime I finally have an up in my life it's quickly taken away and I get struck back down and feeling even worse and suicidal (I have a whole mental list of times this happened and I'm tired of it) When I was younger this stuff (not weed) effected me but it wasn't constant. As I'm getting older I noticed its really taking a toll on me and it's only going downhill. Everyday and what feels like every hour I think about this and it always leads to me wanting to commit.
I tell myself I won't for my family and I don't want to go to Hell but what if one day I just snap and do it. I saw a gorevideo of a mom finding her daughter and her screams will never leave my mind. I don't want to do that to my family, I cant. And I want to be with them in heaven hopefully. Please I need advice.
I tried to get better and went to a therapist nov 2022, but got put into a psych ward. Stayed there for a week and started taking the meds even tho Im scared to and anything I could to help myself in there. Get out and find that I thought I went to a psychologist and not a therapist, get sent a referral to a place, life happens of course, the cars broke down so don't have a ride to first appt., try to set up ways to get to the appts. Never works out of course. And so I miss every single one. They refer me to a diff place. To add I use all my refills and try to get more pharmacist says I need a therapist to confirm or sum, don't have one yet so I can't get a refill. Stop meds and have a really bad week and start hurting myself again. Car gets fixed so I set up a new appt. but I have to reschedule, moms working, and everytime I reschedule the appointment. She's single and we only have one car. I keep missing appts. so they tell me to go to a website to find someone. I go to website and a lot of the places don't take my insurance. I email places becuz I don't have service and all of them email back saying I have to call to set up an appointment :) Get a thing in the mail saying my insurance is terminated, of courseeee. I believe in "signs" and I think this is a sign to not take meds or talk to someone. Those the two things that I don't feel comfortable with anyway. I know I need help, I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of talking to someone in person, scared of taking meds, and what if I try again just for it to fail I don't think I can handle another failure. Idk what to do or how to help myself. Please help, anything will. | 1 |
It's really sickening how much i hate my life I'll probably end it b4 my birthday | null | 2 |
29 with autism and completely lonely (long post) | well, basically i slowly isolate myself to the point i have no friends and barely interact witj my family. Since i dont work i cant afford any kind of medication for my anxiety and various healt problems and all this is starting to break me since im just here trying my best not to break and stay optimistic that il figure out a way out of this somehow .. But im tuening 30 in some weeks and honestly thats the final call for me, i been isolated for 14 years and i just cant anymore,, Theres no helping hand, nothing, when youre a man no one cares for your suffering, youre just another statistic, a number .. i really wanted to live, i have a lot of wild dreams that will rot with me . | 1 |
I feel crowded but so alone | I just want someone to hang onto so I can just cry. Im scared of myself. I am so scared.
I have school next month but I’m scheduling appts for cavities to be filled
I thought I was finally getting my shit together but I get with “your mom is going to die in 10 years or less” from my cousin
Im the only one who doesn’t know
My mom has hardly showed me affection
She has always been sick
She never went out of her way to love me I have to beg
I hate her so much but I am just starting my life while she is already ending
I don’t want to be here anymore
She hardly ever sees me
She tells me to shut up when I cry in front of her so I can’t tell her how I want to die
I have been wanting to kill myself since 5th grade
Im in my second year of college
I want to be hugged bc I never loved
I feel so stupid. I just wanted love from her and she kept running away from me
What’s wrong with me
I don’t want her gone, I rather die first than see her dead | 1 |
I can’t find a job and can’t work | I can’t find a job and even if I could I don’t think my anxiety or depression would let me. Every job available is something I can’t do. Why shouldn’t I kill myself? | 2 |
the cord fucking broke | SO I TRIED HANGING MYSELF AND THE CORD BROKEEE IM SO ANGRY literally why me?!? how hard is it to die already like I’ve tried pretty much everything and I’m still alive!!! I don’t want to be alive anymore oh my god im gonna have to find a sharp knife and just stab myself at this point | 145 |
I want to be good enough for someone. | null | 1 |
help i dont know what to do | I’ve seriously had enough of everything in this life. My ex and I were talking trying to resolve things. He became suicidal and now he’s out in a forest. He’s blocked me everywhere and isn’t accepting any help to get him home. One moment he says he called a friend and will stay with him. An hour later he said his battery will die and he needs help. It’s like this every week. I want to OD and be free of thjs suffering. I suffer already from chronic depression and suicidal thoughts and he’s keeping me checked constantly in this cycle of not accepting help and asking for help. I’m so overwhelmed I want to down pills. I’ve OD’ed so many times before Im scared my liver is already so damaged I feel like I’m responsible for everything. He makes me feel all the burden I don’t know what to do I’m suffocating I’m alone I’m sat somewhere only three nights ago I was in the same situation wanting to kill myself. I can’t do this I’m trapped everywhere I want to go I want to disappear | 2 |
First time in months feeling like I actually wanna brain myself. | The past couple of weeks have been rough. Money hasn’t been good and it doesn’t help that I only get paid every two weeks. I have been growing more and more disappointed in this world and it’s lack of care and hope for any type of good future. I’m tired of having friends and people who love me, yet feeling utterly alone in this world.
I can’t remember the last time I was happy for a long period of time. Seems like it’s just bullshit after bullshit with my life. I am already working on improving myself and it’s doing absolutely nothing to help.
I have already been sent to the mental prison facility (commonly known as a psych ward) twice and the last time did nothing to help me improve, aside from putting me on meds that made things slightly better.
The more I listen and the more I look at things, I don’t care for my family, my parents can be unhinged at times and my relatives aren’t good people to be around. I am tired of their existence in my life.
I’ve been thinking for a long time now, that I don’t really have any purpose in this world other than to absorb blows from bullshit people and politicians and companies. Every day feels like a mistake and like I should have been dead a long time ago. Maybe it’s my destiny to die by my own hands instead of natural causes. Maybe I was just born defective or this is some gods way of punishing me for not being a stillborn like I should have been. | 2 |
The thoughts | My heart hurts. I feel so crave. So soft. So broken. I laid in bed crying and shaking. Last time I tried was a month ago. I just keep thinking of wrapping a belt around my neck | 1 |
Good life, but... | I have a good life by all appearances. I run a fairly successful videogame development company. I have a wife (albeit not a great marriage but whatever it's amicable at least), and two kids that I love very much.
But the stress of work is becoming too much to bear. Although things are ok, some projects are not going well. I may have to lay people off, or I may end up losing projects altogether.
Almost every day I yearn desperately for death. I just cannot fathom facing another day. Intellectually I know it'll probably be fine, mostly. And yet...I feel so horrible about myself I just want to die before the next meeting with bad news. I bear the anxiety of 40 people and internalize their mistakes and failings, since ultimately it's all my fault for hiring them. It's a horrible collective pain to bear.
I'm on two different medications for depression and anxiety but it doesn't seem to help. I'm seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist; it doesn't help. I just drink obsessively so that at least moment to moment I can succumb to some form of oblivion, desperately hoping that tomorrow never comes.
If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a father I would absolutely kill myself in the fastest way possible. Even so, I still might...I know intellectually it'll be bad for my kids (my sister committed suicide too) but...I don't know how I can face even one more day of disappointment. I'm sitting here quite drunk and just somehow hoping my house burns down or something so my family and I are all released from the pain of existence.
Not sure what I expect of this post honestly. I'm just desperately wishing there was some hope for tomorrow. As it is I'm just surrounded by beer and whiskey and hoping tomorrow never comes... | 1 |
OCD and psychosomatic symptoms | i cant do this anymore... | 1 |
I think I might have ruined my entire future in the last 3 months. I don’t see a point in going on | Hey everyone. I (18M) have made some really dumb decisions.
Over the last 2 years I’ve been in a really, really bad state mentally. Lonely and hating myself. So when I turned 18, I got desperate for attention and love. So I started to post in risqué subreddits and ask for….yeah. One of them I even talked about a slightly taboo fetish that I have. Anyway, I got contacted by some people and talked to them for a month. One of them ended up being a romance scammer and tried to leak my nudes. The other one and I got along pretty well. However, I got to the point that I trusted him enough to send normal pictures of myself, and tell him my name, where I’m going to college, my tinder account, etc. I want to be a politician when I grow up so I can actually make a difference. And now I’m terrified these pictures and convos will come back to haunt me and ruin my life in the future. I’ve already committed self harm recently, and I’ve generally been feeling suicidal for the last few days. I don’t even know what to do anymore. And suicide feels like the best option. | 5 |
See you on the other side. | null | 1 |
My dad says I’ll thank him for making me go into school but at this rate he won’t get a thank you because I’ll kill myself before he can get it, if he keeps making me go into school. |
I’m suicidal already with anxiety and actually been sick, I have an infection (from an ingrown toenail) and feel like shit and it’s one day at Friday which I’m going in next week. I need time alone for god sake, not in school or with him. I’ve got taken of my mother and now live with him. There’s no privacy, no alone time because he lives on a boat. I cannot take this anymore. | 2 |
I feel suicidal because this unnecessary doctor's appointment gives me uncontrollable stress | I have already received my results for my stress test on the same day and they said everything is normal but I'm being forced to go for results. I think this is just for money and now I'm stressed and won't be able to enjoy a stress free day because I have to waste time going somewhere that I don't need to go. I want to know if anyone think I should cancel this or if it is better to just go and see what results the doctor reveal. I can't catch a break from stress because of this doctor trying to make money off of me when I have already received my results. I have said before that for me stress is unavoidable and unmanageable and this is an example of that. | 2 |
It would be a shitty life if I continued anyways… | My 16th birthday was yesterday. Today was shitty. Tomorrow will be shitty. Next year will be shitty. My cowardly ass say I’m going to kill myself but I end up failing or sleeping on the thought. But it will happen. Fuck my family. Death is better than bondage. Last time I attempted, my 11 year old brother caught me and snitched on me. I’m an atheist. This will probably be my first and last post. | 1 |
I'm never enough | It's got to the point where I'm tired of trying and failing. Everything's just too difficult and right now my life only revolves around studying because I don't want to disappoint the people who brought me to the world and gave me home and food.
I keep studying for exams for hours 8-10 each day. It gives me tons of stress. I bite the skin of my fingers off just to feel a bit better. It gives me pain and I love to do that whenever I get an exercise done wrong.
Whenever I fail, I just automatically think about how my parents are successful, rich and hard working and I on the other hand will straight up become a nobody and fail miserably at life. I tried all different things like trying to enjoy studying and so on, but even the things I like - if I fail them I feel the same as when I'm failing at studying.
All I want is to do something other than studying or work, but I won't allow myself to. Every minute I am not studying I feel scared that I will fail exams and not get into a good university and everyone including my family will make me a laughing stock. They say "yeah dw ur getting into a good uni cuz u work hard" but if I fail they'll be so disappointed in me and angry that I would rather die than see them cry and be in pain because of me.
I end up wasting a ton of time on sobbing and panic attacks. I really did try changing my attitude but I'm never able to calm it down. I was telling myself that I got to be more positive and so on but sometimes the anger and sadness is too much and I harm myself again and again and I also cry over the books.
It's been like ages since I last did something fun. Now I'm unable to have fun because as I said, I just feel immense stress whenever I am not studying.
To make matters worse, I can't ever seem to be able to focus for more than idk, 10-15 seconds at a time? After those few seconds I get random thoughts and lose the track of what I was reading/solving. And it doesn't ever improve even with all that studying I did (people said focus is like a muscle).
Well I am bound to be a failure. No matter what I do I can't change. I haven't always thought like that. When I started studying for the exams I thought that with hard work I'd change. But nothing good really happened for months. No improvement, even in terms of exams preparation. No improvement in me as a human being either.
What makes matters worse is the fact that I stopped procrastinating because the dream I was studying for was the real thing. But now I see I'm not smart enough.
I could drag this on and see myself fail miserably on the exam day but I can just end myself now and stop being a living disappointment to everyone around me. I'm done getting berated for my low academic performance, lack of friends and lack of skills.
I'm going to use the last day to torture myself physically using hot sharp objects, cig burns or boiling water. I hate myself so much and I hate my life. I made up my mind to hang myself and finally get peace and free myself from the madness I got into. | 2 |
Can I talk to someone? | I'm going through some shit right now and I just can't even anymore. | 3 |
Suicidal due to chronic pain | Anyone feel it’s more understandable to be suicidal if you’re just in so much pain and discomfort each day and not just mentally suicidal? Feel there’s a difference . What do you guys think? | 1 |
how to tell authority i really do not feel okay, and sucked it up for a long time!!!! | i realize my mistakes but i was in pain this whole time. not enjoying life | 1 |
I feel so trapped | I've posted here before but there's an issue I've never mentioned. I believe I have some deep mental health issues. And I'm not trying to self diagnose, but this is a genuine problem in my life.
I'm constantly day dreaming to an unhealthy degree. I can never get work done because I'm either constantly distracted or so far deep in my headspace that I forget it even exists. I can never be in the moment because I am constantly thinking. I get uncomfortable by everything: my clothes don't feel right, my hands are clean enough, I'm not talking right. My mood is constantly shifting and it just feels like I can never catch a break. I'm constantly self harming to either numb my already existing pain or because I'm so frustrated.
The worst part of all of this is that I can't do anything about it. If I tell my parents they'll say I'm lying for attention, or that I'm weak. I have no one to go to as my friends kinda suck at the moment. I'm really just waiting until the day I can finally gain some agency over my life. Until then, I'm stuck feeling and being inadequate because of something I can't control. | 1 |
I need help | Is there anyone to talk to? | 1 |
i disgust myself | i’ve always thought i was ugly, but lately i absolutely repulse myself. when i look at myself i burst into tears, every fucking time. i don’t want to be around anyone or keep going. i never want anyone to have to see me. im trans and i’ve always been skinny but since starting testosterone i’ve gained 20 pounds and im trying so hard not to relapse into anorexia. im fucking awful to look at. id genuinely rather die than have to keep living in this disgusting body that no one could ever possibly love. i really can’t do it anymore. it sucks because if it was just my mental health, or something i could fix, maybe things could get better, but i’ve been in therapy for 3 years, am now medicated for bipolar and ptsd, am getting all kinds of help and i still absolutely fucking disgust myself to a degree i can’t even express with words, and it will never change. i can’t live with myself. | 1 |
Don't really expect a response at this point. Just please choose KINDNESS over CRUELTY when responding. Real tired of being treated as lesser. | If you bully you bully the pain will be gone with death anyways.
Have been told to end it so many times for being different, being disabled, speaking up, asking for help, becoming functionally nonverbal, wanting friends. So much bullying for referring to self in third person. No longer feel safe anywhere public on the internet, not even in places that are supposed to be safe.
Am autistic (with a lot of comorbidities including adhd dysgraphia, hypermobility, and more), and a survivor/victim of horrible abuses from both strangers/acquaintances and family/"friends". Went from a "smart" individual who could talk to a nonverbal individual who is "unintelligent" after a previous failed attempt directly after something really really bad happened and the only human Chara thought would be there blamed instead of supported.
Stuff has only gotten worse. Dusty, (elderly chinchilla) the only one who has ever accepted Chara at the very worst (including meltdowns) passed away on Monday. He was the only one who actually knew the best parts and the worst parts and cared about Chara, and loved Chara. He was the only real reason to get up in the morning. Now he's gone, there feels like nothing left.
Am in constant physical pain, have a disproportionate chest area (and am not allowed to get surgery to have it reduced or removed), combined with scoliosis and hypermobility. The back pain is barely bearable, and wind up unable to do anything but lay there at the end of the day because it hurts so badly. Have had to deal with it since Chara was thirteen. Also get heart pains frequently. Stress induced heart problems; was a healthy weight up until a few weeks ago, heart problems have been going on for years. Have extreme trauma too and there doesn't seem to be any recovery for it. Can't even put it into words after being blamed for it multiple times. Wasn't asking for anything just wanted to save tadpoles from a drying up puddle. Constant flashbacks. Nightmares. Certain words trigger them it's so bad.
Rights are being taken away by the government, guardianship was filed, won't even get to vote in next election. Can't move out. Nobody listened when Chara was verbal, nobody cares at all now who can do anything.
Have tried repeatedly to end it. Overdosing (apparently overdosing intentionally is very hard to do with over the counter headache meds; found that out later), hanging (hook broke) bleeding out (thick skin, dull blade, very sensitive to pain) jumping (third floor balcony wasn't high enough, didn't even break a bone despite the fifty fifty odds) eating rosary peas (seem to be completely immune to them) and other poisonous stuff. Have suffered brain damage from the hanging attempt. Have difficulty with words despite previously being good at them. Hands randomly start shaking so badly most can't read a word typed if autocorrect is turned off, can no longer catch lizards or hold bugs out of fear of hurting them. Am not able mask as well as before. Not able to do a lot of things Chara was previously capable of.
Hanging seems to be the most lethal option available after doing some research. But can't help but worry about more consequences if another attempt fails. How much worse can it get? Being unable to move? Less capable of communicating or understanding? Become someone else? Being someone else might not be so bad honestly. If Chara gone then it can't hurt anymore, you know? Regardless of if replaced or dead.
Am just really tired of fighting. Nobody really loves Chara or wants Chara to stay. Nobody really trully cares. Was set up for failure being born into a family that was expecting a nondisabled male and got a disabled female baby instead. Have spent years being harmed. Aba "therapy" is something Chara still get forced to go to. They get to hit you there and lock you up in a straight jacket in isolation with painful sounds for hours and all sorts of awful things that should be illegal to do to anyone since its illegal to do to prisoners and treated as abuse if done to "normal" kids. But they get paid to do it to autistic kids. Was in elementary school when first started going. Am nineteen now. And still having to go. When does it end?
It's not like Chara gonna live past thirty five with Chara heart problems and everything even if Chara don't kill self. And even if Chara don't kill self, am more likely than most to get murdered. Significantly so. And there are lots of monsters around here. Monsters who don't care if you say no. Am literally more likely to get cancer for crying out loud. Basically more likely to die of everything.
So what's the point? Honestly, what point is there to keep going? What future is possible for someone like Chara in this ableist world that wants Chara dead in Chara circumstances?
Chara don't even know what Chara want anymore. Everything hurts and is scary and not fair. Dead ended. No way out. No reason to try.
Chara just don't know. But can't turn back now cause ocd. Sorry for bothering Chara guess. | 1 |
I want my brain taken out and squished | I hate existing. Nothing is ok and I can't describe it. I'm stuck. I can't sit in silence because my brain is too loud. Everything is so vivid and I hate myself so much. I'm tired of this shit. I'm just wanting to disappear, I just wanna go | 7 |
I think I’m near the end now :) | I just don’t think this world is for me. I’m getting tired. I just don’t think I can hold on much more. I’m sick of waiting for things to get better. I’ve tried so many things to make me happy and nothing works anymore. I just don’t understand how I used to be so happy and now it’s just nothing. I’ve done everything I can, but maybe I’m just not worthy of happiness or love. I’ve given every last little piece of myself to other people, and always tried my hardest no matter the circumstances to be the best person I could for the people around me, and to be there when they needed someone, and I was always there for them, even when I wasn’t there for myself. But nobody has ever been there for me apart from myself. I just want to be loved and appreciated. I just wanted someone to care. And you know what, I’ve tried to love myself, and be there for myself but I just don’t have anything in me anymore, I’ve given all my love away and left none for myself, and I think it’s too late now. I’ve already bought what I need to go to sleep forever. I just need to wait for the final part to arrive tomorrow. I just need to build up the courage to actually put myself to sleep forever. Hopefully everything will be quick and painless. I just think this place is too cruel for me, and I truly think this is the best thing I can do for myself. This probably won’t be my last message here, but incase it is I just want to say I love you all. :) | 1 |
fulfilling obligations | I think I'm defective. I can't feel my emotions (especially the good ones) like I used to. I have considered rationalizing life and death using philosophy but it doesn't help. I have dieted and exercised for a year. It helped at first but that stopped working. I have many friends now too. After all this struggling for three years, I am still suicidal. How much more can I do? I can't feel my emotions like I used to. I simply can't be happy even though I am "sucessful" academically and physically. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because it would hurt the people I care about. It just seems rude to leave my siblings without a brother, leave my mom without a son, to leave my friends without their friend, etc. I have a role to fill. I can't just give up. Despite this, I don't get much spiritual satisfaction from these relationships. I'm just a zombie and a slave hoping that I could somehow add meaning to my life by filling my role. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy their company and like the people I surround myself with. But I just don't think I'm meant to live in this world. Living's not my thing. Should i just do it? | 1 |
There's a hole in my soul | I never thought my first reddit post would be me trying to find a reason to not give up.
I (20F) feel so lost and hopeless. When I first tell people that, older generations tell me I have just started life, and how I don't know what struggle is. Yet I feel like I've gone through hell in back in just 20 years. My childhood is a story on its own. \*\*TW\*\* With the p\*dos/inc\*st and all my siblings being victims of it. My oldest brother is the worst being possible. My other 3 siblings moved out one by one leaving me behind with our mentally broken parents. Anyone important always seemed to leave.
The first person who told me they loved me other than my parents was my cousin who told me we were meant to be together when I was only 6. It stopped when I turned 13 and blocked him on all social media and moved away. Since i was 13, my mom always told me on how I was good for nothing and I should just die already. I've attempted suicide many times, but I was always scared. I downed 2 bottles of painkillers when I was 13, and yet I was so scared and I told my English teacher. I remember being at the hospital bed and my mom just glaring at me. My dad was sad, but my dad is no saint. He follows my mom around and agrees with her. I was always a lazy shit to my mom, nothing I ever did really mad her proud. I tried my best in school, but it simply wasn't enough. She always tells me to die and how much better her life would be without me. Junior year, my mom packed her things and left my dad and I. She ghosted us, and I would cry missing her. A couple months would pass, she would come back, and then I wished she never did. The 4th sibling (7 years older, I'm the 5th), came back to live with us and he's the black sheep of the family. He had everything the worst. Him and I always had the short end of the stick, him even more. My brother has attempted suicide many times and he's my hero. It amazes me on how he's alive even though my parents tried killing him and kicking him down. It was more our mom, but my dad never backed us up.
All while my real life is happening, I would reach online on games like IMVU. Though when you're young on the internet, you meet the same monsters. Getting groomed and belittled and encouraged to commit as if you aren't so young. Though part of it feels like it's my fault for trying to find a life that didn't exist online.
My senior year, I planned on moving out for college to be at a dorm, but life doesn't seem to want me to succeed. Covid hit and what started with a long spring break ended with a drive-thru diploma pick up. My mom believes I never graduated since I didn't walk to the stage. I was trapped. I never learned how to drive because parents felt if I learned right at 16, I would run away from them. Which was true. I didn't have money for college since my parents didn't want to fund it for me. I went to a community college because there was an act where graduating high school students get two years free. Full time student, 5 classes, but I failed my sociology class and didn't get the benefits anymore. My FAFSA claimed my dad made too much money, yet we were in unimaginable debt. I decided to start working for school, but when that happened my mom left us, again. She always left and I always for some stupid reason missed her. Since my mom left, my uncle moved in and he's a piece of work too. My dads brother takes advantage of my dad and never helped out, but my dad is too kind for his own good and lets himself get walked all over. I guess I understand where I get that from too.
When I started my first job at 18, all my checks really went to bills. I have great friends who took me out and had trips with but I still had this emptiness in me. Until I was 19 and met someone who changed my whole perspective in life. He was 2 years older and I met him on another game. He was one of the top 300 and well I wish I never met this person. He was always there for me for the entire 2022 and I had goals. This person made me see these goals and want to help me achieve them. I never thought they'd leave, I was so happy. I ignored all my past and I just wanted to be there for this person. This person who made me feel like I was everything, I wanted to make him feel that way too. I ended up moving out with friends at 20, and life was genuinely goings so great. But again, life isn't on my side. He left recently and had his own goals to achieve and didn't really want me there on his side to do those. I begged, pleaded, any other similar words but no. I felt as if I lost my one motivation. Going to work, retail, is so dreadful. I felt as if all my happiness is gone. Though I know scars heal, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of waking up and crying. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my chest. My friend told me I love too easily/too much. I feel like everyone leaves. I don't feel human anymore, I can't play games to ease my mind, I cant draw, I can't do anything anymore. No show, no anime, no nothing can clear my mind. I've tried drinking/getting high, but it just reminds me of everything 100x more. I hate being told I can't love until I love myself. I love how I look, I try to do positive affirmations but it's my trauma that just makes me burst.
I'm really not sure what to do. I feel alone when I shouldn't. I hang out with my friends, but this hole inside me is getting bigger and bigger. I sit on the couch with them and yet I dissociate. I think of everything. My mind is constantly screaming and crying. I lost myself, I lost my personality. I hug all my plushies, I try to do so many things. I'm so stuck and lost. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of begging people to not leave. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I feel as if I did this all to myself, I must've not worked hard enough. I just don't know what to do. | 1 |
going to hospital aaaaaaaaaaaa | im supposed to go inpatient for my depression next week hopefully thatll help. its literally so hard to stay safe until then though. i dont think staying in the hospital will make me better tbh but its kind of the last thing im willing to try, and at least insurance is paying for it. existing feels like im being crushed rn, and sleeping to avoid being awake doesnt even help anymore because i have really disturbing nightmares every night now probably bc of my medication. aaaaaa i just hate switching meds around and trying new things to fix me, ive seen a bunch of doctors over the years that ive been suicidal and its so exhausting. i know im lucky that i have access to help, so i feel guilty that im taking up the space and im not even cured. i just want to be done with it all so badly and stop being a waste of space, i can imagine how relieving dying would be and it comforts me. ive written most of my letters for my death but i cant bring myself to finish them. i think im just scared. i want to die but im just a coward. i should probably stop talking into the void here and just do it, but idk i guess it feels cathartic to vent. anyways, idk if ill still be here in a few months. this is gonna sound so dumb but it got so so much worse after i got broken up with like over a month ago. i hate my ex so much hes a really mean person and in the end i think the way he did it and the things he said are gonna be what kills me, even though it was a while ago. also my uncle died like a few weeks ago so i didnt really process what happened, because obviously someone DYING is more important than a breakup. i wasnt really thaaaat close to him but hes definitely the closest person to me to die. it made me feel more urgent about killing myself because i dont want to wait around for everyone i love to either leave me or die. i cant take one more sad thing. im sad, everyone around me is sad and grieving, i cant keep living to see the people i love suffer AND have to deal with being alive. every moment is torture. im just trying to stay alive until i go inpatient. ill be turning 18 this month, wish me luck on getting there. | 1 |
maybe this time it works | i just took around 2600 mg of seroquel... idk if it'll work but it's all i had. i'm tired of everything and stressing over everything. i have a pretty good life, but theres alwaysbthat pit deep inside of me that's nothing but sadness and loneliness.. depression is a bitch and i've been fighting it since i was 11... my 19th birthday is in tthree days... life just feels really shitty right now.. i sent a few i love yous to people and im just gonna wait this out. i feel my body getting tired | 1 |
Where can I get euthanized? | I am a 24 year old hopeless man. I have been dealing with ED since I was 19 after a rough masturbation session.
Unfortunately there is no fix to my condition, and women certainly do not want to be with me since my condition is awful.
My dreams of having children one day and feeling loved are destroyed.
I have no motivation to do anything anymore and I certainly do not want a penile prosthesis.
After a lot of thought about this, I would like to go out by euthanasia.
My question is how do I go about it?
Thanks in advance | 2 |
When will it end? | So fucking sick of life kicking my ass any and every chance it gets, despite my effort to be a decent person. Some people are just dealt a shitty hand, and have to suffer more than others will ever know…
Ripped my wrist open vertically (directly over my pulse) with a razor blade a few months ago, and needless to say it didn’t get the job done.. After mutilating my arm, and not even hitting the artery I couldn’t continue with the process.. I contemplated sitting in the tub and and just going to work but I couldn’t do any more.
I guess I will be doomed to this hell of an existence day in, and out until my time is up. | 1 |
I have nothing | About 6 months ago I lost everything, all my friends and practically everything that made me happy. I lost it all over a girl, and a lot of words I should not have said to my closest friend. I thought I was starting to do better, but I am not. I have been having suicidal thoughts recently and I don't know what to do anymore. Everything just feels like it's too much. I have no friends and I have nothing to motivate me. All my family lives far away, and I can't talk to anyone I used to, and it doesn't help that I have a hard time trusting new people. I don't know how much longer I can do this, but i'll make the most of it and spend it trying to make something of myself. If I fail, well then at least I tried. | 1 |
Kill me please I can't do it myself. | Probably getting buried in other people's posts but thats cool.
Why does noone understand my signs and take me seriously?
I was at the doctor today. She asked how my mood is in grades. One being best, six being the worst.
I joked and said seven and then switched to five.
Not because I am halfway okay, I just don't want to say "the worst" anymore because it keeps getting fucking worse.
She said looking at me she doesn't believe I feel that bad because I am laughing. Yes thanks that is apparently how I cope I am like suicidal af, but thanks.
Like, 7 was honest haha. I wish my attempt in March would have worked. I wish. I wish I would have kept hanging in that damn rope. And I wish gun control wouldn't exist. I wish someone did not tell me today that it is so east to kill yourself. Tell me how! What is the foolproof method that I can do at home? What? I can't even hang myself here cause there is nothing at the ceiling I could do it from and I know you can THERE IS MY METHOD COMING at like doorknobs and stuff but I saved myself from that. Give me a gun and I will show you how serious I am. I can't do this anymore. | 4 |
i don't know what to do again | I took enough acetaminophen (paracetamol) to guarantee my death, i hope. I know that it will not be a quick end and it will be painful, but I'm okay with that if at least everything ends after. I can endure it for some time. So I am basically on a timer right now, I have about 2 days more or less until something happens. I don't know what to do in this span of time. I had some good friends that don't really want to talk to me anymore, really really good friends. I'd want to at least make up with them before I go. I don't really know if it's possible. I don't know what to do. | 6 |
I struggle to hold a job. I am also a schizophrenic | Holding down a job has been hard and now I have such short experiences at jobs my resume looks unhireable.
I don't want to sattle my parents with my student debt.
Not sure what to do. | 12 |
Is this enough | I have 7 painkillers and two diazepam is this enough | 0 |
This isn’t a suicide note. | I would never describe myself as suicidal but I have always felt it should be a human right to be able to decide whether or not to exist. I certainly didn’t ask to be born. Why when I google how to end my life without suffering, the first answer to pop up is an anti-suicide hotline?
I’m struggling with what feels like a universal belief that ending one’s own life is wrong. But what if I’m of sound mind, body, and spirit and I want to make a thoughtful choice to bow out?
I’m tired. Working to eat. Eating to work another day. I don’t even have a job right now. Begging for a job to start the cycle again… I believe I’m ready to be done.
I’m not depressed. I’m healthy. I have a loving partner and hobbies. I derive joy from my friends, nature, my cats, my plants, food, music and dancing. I know I am loved.
I care about the people in my life. I don’t want to hurt them so how do I tell them that I’m ready?
Where are these thoughts understood, shared, respected?
It just seems to me like we should get a choice. Every argument I’ve heard against this concept feels selfish. I don’t feel crazy. I’m starting to feel… calm? Sure? Like everyone else has lost it.
I just clicked the rules button above. Am I even allowed to post this? | 1 |
Still here | It’s so hard, but I’m here still | 2 |
i know i’ll kill myself one day | f19. i’m fat and unlovable. i’ve been depressed since i was 12. bullied my entire life. never been loved by another person, constantly rejected. i am so deeply ill with eating disorders and depression and anxiety. been in therapy more than half my life and on a concoction of meds i can’t care enough to take consistently. i don’t want to die right now. like i couldn’t do it. but i know i will kill myself someday. i told myself just make it to 30 and reevaluate. but it’s been so long. so much time being sad. i don’t think i’ll make it to 30. maybe 25. but my patience is waning and i can feel it. it’s comforting to know i can kill myself, on that day when it’s finally too much and i give in. oh well. i’ve had this feeling for years. i just don’t know how much longer i can take. | 1 |
Is there a way that if it fails I will still have good health | I don’t want to live with other side effects and shit if it fails | 1 |
I want to do it but a logical reason won't allow me | the reason is we all born without our permission and approval, then there is a possibility that after death we will be born again in another body, maybe in much worse conditions. So I'm afraid of the risk that everything won't shut down forever | 3 |
I’m loosing the battle | I don’t know how long I can fight this urge.
I’m 40 years old and 2 months ago had a surprise heart attack and really wish it finished me off. This life has been nothing but a struggle. I’ve just had enough of fighting and battling my demons. I’ve always felt like I never belonged here. I know if I take all my heart meds that’s it the job will be done.
I’m a expat living in Canada and have no family around, I do have a 5 year old and I’m so scared he’s gonna end up like me. | 4 |
I was in the kitchen and suddenly I had the urge to pick the knife up and sh (17F) | It was so overwhelming. I felt like crying and my heart rate was out of the window. I really don't know what to do. I'm so fucked up. I feel so lonely. I literally have no one to go to. I feel so helpless. | 6 |
:/ not feeling it | Feeling real down as of late. My brain keeps telling me that offing myself is the only option. Logically, I know this is not true. Everything in this world only seems to get worse. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of living out of guilt for what it would be like for my family without me. The truth is I dont want to do this anymore. I'm tired of hurt, I'm tired of constant L's. No matter what I always seem to fall back in this hole of despair and self harm. All I want to do is go away forever. The only time I've felt true relief from this is when I'm on the brink of death. Fuck being human I dont want to do this anymore. | 1 |
I told my best friend |
Everything (with her consent) because she told me “I could tell her anything”.
I had a full breakdown in-front of my oldest best friend who I’ve known for 6 years and trusted.
I was trying to bottle up my emotions for god knows how long and had an entire meltdown over text.
I know it wasn’t right to tell my friend and burden her with the responsibility of comforting me, but I didn’t really want her to do anything like some sort of therapist.
I told her everything, she responded occasionally every 20 minutes with “you need to get help” and at most one line after I typed out many paragraphs.
I’ve always helped her with her problems, I’ve always comforted her no matter what without fail and told her how irreplaceable she was.
She didn’t even care about me, it made me feel like shit.
I just needed someone to talk to, a friend to tell me that I mattered to them, that I mattered to someone, that at-least someone cared about me. I’m planning on ending it all on my birthday in August. | 1 |
Dead mom, vulture family, no hope. | My mom died. My family took everything including my half of her life insurance policy that was suppose to help stabilize my housing situation. Drug addicted brother even stole her ashes and the urn I paid for. Nobody cares and nobody will do anything about it. I’ve begged even. There is no hope. I don’t care much about anything anymore. What’s the point? It all gets taken away if you even get anything good out of life in the first place.
I’m glad I’ve saved up the scripts I have, it’ll be a nice slumber tonight. | 1 |
Can’t get over stuff | I just can’t. I think about things over and over and over and over again until I feel like i am crazy and I start thinking about these moments with every single detail in every damn minute. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done. I fought hard enough. Opened many accounts dedicated to getting better, feeling better. I don’t. I never will. | 2 |
im so stressed and scared | i have been traumatized by sa. it wasnt on me though but my girlfriend and i had to see person who did it for 2 years almost everyday. better yet got cheated on also. i got a girlfriend now but im so traumatized that i cant stand her being alone by some dudes because im scared to death that theyre going to hurt her. i dont care if she cheats or leaves me, i just want her to be safe. i think about doing it tonight but im unsure. i just cant stand it anymore. | 2 |
Should I just do it? | I know that the whole point of this sub is to convince people not to, but just listen to my story first before you go blindly making assumptions.
I am a trans woman (17) (still in the closet, I was born a man for anyone who is confused) currently living in Florida, and I am losing pretty much everything. My parents were complete abusive pieces of shit to me all throughout my childhood, and now all of the sudden they are being fake nice to me, despite being the reason I was committed just a few weeks ago. I have no more friends because they all were transphobic shitheads that I had to dump for my sanity's sake, and my partner now lives hundreds of miles away and I can hardly ever see him. I am struggling to find any job at all, and the jobs that I want to do (trades, being low voltage electrician) are filled with super macho man assholes who verbally abuse anyone who is inexperienced (or so I've been told) I either stay in this house, and kill myself because of my parents and loneliness, or move away to the (supposedly) safe haven that is Minnesota, and kill myself there when my savings run out. I have no more options, and I'm just waiting to keel over and die at this point. I hate my family. I have no friends. I am so incredibly lonely as a trans woman and I cannot find a single person around who even thinks like me. My only friend is my boyfriend who lives hundreds of miles away and I can never see him. I hate my fucking life. I have been raped and abused throughout all of it and I just want it to fucking end. I hate this world. | 1 |
Is it ok to feel like this | 16m have had an ok life but it’s not like most peoples I lost my mom to a heart attack right in front of me at the age of 4 but people thought I wouldn’t have remembered but I do I remember everything about it every last detail my dads face going pal as he does first aid the pare medicines doing there best but it didn’t work and not long after maybe like 3 years later my grandad died who I was very close to for the majority of my life and the last two years I have been feeling real sad wishing my life was a dream I turned to drinking at 12 i know u might not believe that but that’s a separate story but I can’t remember what happened but I tried to kill my self twice that night and ended up taking something that took me to hospital and I really didn’t mind if I was to die right then and there and recently I keep getting flashbacks to the night my mom died I am a believer of men not crying but last night I had a breakdown but I didn’t let anybody know I acutely was thinking about just ending my life then and there but to the point is it normal to feel like that | 1 |
Hanging won't help | I don't want sympathy. I just want out. Can someone help with a sure method? | 1 |
I'm ready to go | I am so sick of the pain now it has been so long since I have felt happy. Nobody will ever want me I have a crap paying job with no qualifications so I Will never be able to move out my house alone I just want it all to go away and not have to worry about these problems anymore and the only way for that to happen is to end my life but I am scared of the pain | 2 |
2 dirty sprites down with 2mg of Xanax, about to smoke this lean blunt and take some shots and I think it will be done | Pray I don’t wake up in a hospital and be stuck with homeless crackheads for another week.
My life has led me to this point. I love you all hopefully see some good spirits next time. Or not, I don’t care | 3 |
How to ignore the intrusive thoughts that life doesn’t matter ? | Look we all know that life sucks okay, it’s stressful, taking care of one’s self takes a lot of work and mental capacity, we only get momentary distractions to ignore the troubles around us, but we are here and we can’t kill ourselves, we have friends and family who would be heartbroken and devastated by the news
But how do you simply ignore all of it and keep going on ? I have so much stuff that I need to fix about myself and I don’t even know where or how to start, I hate the course that my life is taking me in, I’m already going to therapy and taking a lot of medication and nothing seems to help me
Becoming the man that I want to be seems as impossible as flying without a plane, I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to have so many stuff to fix, I wanted a proper preparation for life that I didn’t get….I just want to be happy and enjoy the time that I have…. | 6 |
I'm just really tired of it all | Idk, my mental health has never been great but this isn't it. I'm just tired of it all. Myself, my family, my work, even stuff I uses to enjoy.
I don't feel good and I haven't felt good in a while. I just don't know how long I can keep going. I don't have the energy to deal with any of it. I'm losing the energy to wake up un the morning, to talk to friend, to even eat.... I don't really feel hungry for anything, most of the time I'm just chewing it and I just don't even want to swallow it. How can someone who is barely doing anything in he's life doesn't have the will and energy to eat. I don't want to feel this way but I don't think that I can stop. Yes I know stuff won't magically get better. I know that you need to start doing something for it to chance but I just don't have it in me anymore. I rather just count my days then at this point. I don't think I have much time left. It's not like I haven't got help, that I haven't tried. The help the world gets isn't what is needed. You do this program, you do that program, you go talk to this person and that person, and if that doesn't work.... well you're just going to suck it up. Idk I'm just ranting about it but I just can't do it anymore. It's just a matter of time at this rate... | 1 |
I’m not doing good | Every day is worse than the last. I’m barely holding on these days. I’m so down on myself. I have no one. I wish I had friends. It’s too late at this point for me. It will all be over soon. I know it. | 1 |
I plan on ending it on my birthday | I turn 20 at the end of next month. No friends, not close with family other than mother, and insecurities/comparison to other people have gotten the best of me. I get jealous seeing people my age (or around it) laughing with their friends doing fun stuff, late night drives, summer activities, etc. I kept having faith, but I am now convinced that this life may not be for me.
I was always shy and reserved growing up, but I was never the disrespectful type. After graduating high school, I developed my politeness and friendliness towards people who I meet. I would always say “hi, how are you?” To people just to let them know that I’m not some creep and that I’m just trying to be friendly. But I guess I’m not him. I’m seen as a disease that people just want to avoid.
I was made fun of (for reasons that I am too embarrassed to say here) since 6th grade. It got bad to the point where I would skip class just so that I wouldn’t be a laughing stock. I’d sit in the back of the cafeteria at lunch or even worse in the bathroom (yes I know). I got cut off by the “friends” I thought I had and as of now, the last person I considered my actual friend was back when I was 10. But to no surprise, almost every good thing in my life never lasts long and he ended up moving at the end of the school year and I never saw him again.
I have found a new job and at this point I don’t care if I make friends or not. I am used to being an outcast anyway. And besides it’s not like I’ll be here for long either. Sometimes I wish God didn’t make me dangerously unattractive. I wish my mother decided not to have a second child. It has gotten bad to the point where ASMR Roleplays are the only thing distracting me from my sad emotional reality. It’s whatever. I hope everyone that read this lives a life full of joy and tears of happiness, as it seems my life has been the opposite of that | 1 |
I can’t help him | I can’t help my mentally ill partner anymore. I am exhausted. He won’t seek a doctor/therapist. I see him so unwell. He demands I help him. I don’t have the know how. The emotional toll is too heavy. I can’t leave him. I love him. He needs the help I can’t give but won’t seek it out. Im who he takes it out on. I must carry this. Im too weak. I want to die. | 1 |
Begins and Ends with A. Part 3. | Finally met with my therapist today after 3 weeks of not being able to see her. Finally got told today that she thinks I am dealing with adult ADHD. No surprise there. I figured that's been part of my life issues.
I also finally had that meeting from over 6 months ago with the psychiatrist. I'm getting put on 2 different anti-depressants. One stimulating one for the morning, and a sedating one for the evening. Fun. Wanted to prescribe me Wellbutrin but thinks it might be too much to start with so I'm starting with 25mg of Sertraline in the morning and 25mg of Trazadone in the evening.
I'm still on the fence about taking these but I feel like I need them for now, until I can start taking care of myself better. I hope you are too. I haven't been able to sleep because I'm always worried about if you were taking care of yourself and in turn I focused too much on making sure you were ok instead of making sure I was ok too.
I guess I was meant to take that time next month out in nature to myself, so that's what I will do. You're still welcome to come join me if you want, although I don't think you will ever reach out to me again.
I've packed up all of your things and I still can't bring myself to drop it off to you. I feel like if I do, I wont ever look back again. I don't want to lose you but I think I have already for a while now. I was looking at the polaroid's the other night and seeing the improvement of your physical health from then to now, made me happy for a moment. I wish I could still be around to see you improve further.. | 1 |
I don't want to have a future anymore. | It all started with my father passing away when I was 18, my mom left when I was 13. I've basically been a secondary parent for my brothers, constantly taking care of them in my mothers place. Since my dads passing, I've been living with other family members who barely even like me. I've always been online a lot, had a good amount of friends IRL who I would play with online.
A year after my dad passed away, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me, which had a very big mental shock to me considering my dad and my girlfriend were the 2 people I was always looking to be around. We were best friends, we did so many things together. I enjoyed it so much. Then, my friends all blocked me. Everyone who I was playing games with, talking to etc. After that, it all came crashing down on me. Every single day I would spend my time just crying and wanting to die. I've had issues before with wanting to be alive but that was mostly just "What would happen if I wasn't alive".
After those moments, it became a "I don't want to be alive anymore". But, I decided to stick around, find work and find more friends. For the next 2 years I've been on and off with people romantically or so I thought but I never actually felt happy. Fast forward to about 10 months ago. I found someone who I genuinely clicked with, online though. We liked the same anime, we had the same ambitions, loved the same games. We shared our lives together and it was the first time since everything else that I felt wanted, loved, enjoyed, and who I also really loved, enjoyed, and appreciated to be around with. Although, everything changed when she found someone else. When we started dating and she removed him, she didn't want to block him because she admitted to liking him. We continue dating and eventually she tells me that he tried messaging her again, and later tells me Goodbye and blocks me on everything. I've been chasing her for so long, doing whatever it takes to win her over.
I am extra stuck now. It's been every day but I want to meet my Dad who passed away. I've almost attempted to before but I couldn't go through with it. I just couldn't get that push forward. But now, I really feel like I am comfortable with it. I feel like I'm ready to go ahead with it. I'm tired of waking up, I'm tired of thinking about death every day, thinking about how little I've done with my life. The amount of regrets I still have. My birthday party is coming up, I'm going to attend but after that I want to find time to enjoy peace. | 1 |
Was 2 attempts not enough? | Why am I feeling this way again, why do I feel hopeless again, and why does the absence of your presence cause such intense hurt.
Why do these thoughts randomly flutter every now and again, if you've seen my last post you'd know im grateful for life, yet these thoughts still come around, here and again, I treasure the past so much and its crippling to know I have to continue on without certain cherished individuals that I grew to love so much, heart break and abandonment is difficult, some days I can conquer the world, other days I feel as if the world stomps and crushes me. | 1 |
I don’t think my problems are fixable. I’m doomed why not just end it now? | Ever since I was sexually assaulted I get turned on randomly and by random things and tend to think very sexually aggressive thoughts at times. My sexual problems have caused me to have to walk out of workplaces once people suspect something so I can’t keep a job. No therapist believes an assault happened. I’m going to a new one in August but I don’t expect a change. The way I’ve treated people throughout my life has also just (unintentionally, and also an insecurity of mine) been so poor that it just causes trouble at work. I can’t keep a job, therapy hasn’t helped, I’m not even a decent human being. Why shouldn’t I kill myself? | 1 |
Am I considered suicidal? | I don't think I am directly but I do occasionally have suicidal thoughts but I know I'll never do it just because I can't do that to the people I love and I'm just not capable of it. The thing is is if I was in an accident, I would want it to be fatal. If a car hit me, I wouldn't fear for my life. If I contracted some deadly disease I wouldn't say anything and let it kill me. Sometimes I just hope a stray bullet finds its way to me and ends it but the probability of that one is slim. Everytime I drive to school I just keep thinking maybe I'll get into an accident and it'll all be over. Everytime I feel like somethings wrong, I keep thinking maybe this is finally it and I won't say anything to anybody. I have been depressed for the past few weeks and I've been trying to get better but I'm just tired and overwhelmed by everything. | 1 |
im gonna kill myself rn | i plan on hanging myself from my room and hopefully that plan works out cause i got a really nice cord with me that will do the trick! anyways i hope everyone has a good life and take care of yourself.. life wasn’t meant for me anyways so yeah lol bye | 63 |
Maybe if I killer myself, people will understand how important is yo treat others with respect | I'm fucking tired of being constantly emotional abused by people. As if I don't have feelings on my own. They just keep tresting me like I'm garbage or I have the plague.
So maybe when I follow through, people will finally understand how fucking bad they are.
I'm done dealing with people.
edit: I meant killed, not killer. I'm just too upset right now. | 1 |
i feel hopeless | my 4 year relationship ended that started when i was 17, he was my everything and i was ready to spend forever together. i feel like a terrible person but my life has been so hard and the one person i thought loved me just disappeared out of my life, i don’t know how to keep going. he was my motivation and now i just feel like i’m drowning with all the other awful things going on. i can’t start over and i don’t care to, if i just go then i don’t have to try anymore. it’s not like it would matter to anyone anyway | 2 |
I think it may be it for me by the end of the year | I have suffered so much mentally emotionally spiritually and physically. I have tried different schools, different jobs, tried to form close relationships, dealt with language deprivation, been excluded from groups, dating, failed relationships, can’t keep up with anything. Lost someone I truly love and feeling extreme loneliness and depression. Tried medicine and it doesn’t work. I am taking these few months to gather things up and give them away and leaving items to people to take so it’s not stealing for them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be loved and wanted. I want to believe it, feeling it that it’s true and not just told that. I am using these months to spend my last days with my loved ones and my work. Saying good byes. | 9 |
I should just do it | I'm tired of writing long winded posts. I don't know why I haven't done it yet, but I will and I'm sorry. | 2 |
I cant even get a job in mcdonalds | Im 19 wasting away unsure about everything in my life. I cant even find a job despite having decent grades and some experience. I have had so many job rejections in the past month Im at the point now where i know its easier just to unalive myself. I feel horrible with myself and the person i am. If nothing improves in the next 2 months ill say bye bye | 2 |
I want my life to end | Fuck everyone. | 2 |
Why is everyone and everything so loud? | People are so loud, why does every single person around me criticise me so much? Why does the look at their eyes tell me I am and will always be inferior? I know I deserve it happening to me, but I just wish things weren't this way. | 1 |
No space for me anywhere the world. Some people were simply not meant to be here | null | 78 |
Can someone talk with me for 5minutes | null | 1 |
i’ll be dead by the end of the month | i can’t pay my bills and the debt is becoming insurmountable. i can’t keep doing this all by myself. everyday my situation gets worse and i lose more and more motivation to change anything. i already prepped the mixture, i just need to build the confidence to drink it. i just wish someone would bill me so i wouldn’t have to do it. | 2 |
im going to end it right now | i messaged her asking if she cared about or even missed me she said no. its just been 4 days and shes over me. thats it theres no point in living. im going to end everything. i have 60 pills of paracetamol. i dont care anymore about what everyone else thinks.ive always wanted to die and this just ruined me. im done. someone help | 7 |
Prospect of living scares me | After spending the majority of this past year depressed, isolating myself and destroying my health in a miserable job, my bestfriend and I started planning what was meant to be the trip of a lifetime earlier this year, around April, and ever since it just seems like my life and subsequent mental health has been on this absurd downward spiral ever since. This was supposed to be an adventure to boost our mental healths after us both having really rough years, but its genuinely just a nightmare now. To say I'm in over my head with this trip and everything surrounding it would be the understatement of a lifetime, my best friend and I have so little organised and we leave in 6 days. This whole trip was supposed to be a dream holiday spanning multiple countries I've always wanted to visit, but now I'm on the verge of complete mental collapse every second of every day. It seems like everyday that passes the urge to end my life grows ever stronger.
I have sunk the majority of my savings into the trip, I went into it knowing I would have to but I didnt realise just how insufficient my savings were until I was already in too deep - it's made me resent my bestfriend, who Im travelling with, because he travels the world a lot and is in a much better financial situation than I am, and my brain keeps telling me how he should've told me realistically how much I needed saved. At this rate I'm going to owe him a lot of money and the thought of that makes me physically ill.
And to top it all off, my beloved cat passed away very unexpectedly and traumatically at the start of May this year and I've been consumed by my grief ever since. I know everyone says this about their pets, but my cat and I truly shared a very special bond, he saved my life multiple times so his death ruined me. We got a kitten soon after he died, my mum has basically told me it was to keep my grief from killing me but now I'm consumed by guilt alongside this grief. Guilt over 'replacing' our cat who passed, guilt over loving our new kitten so much, and guilt over the stress the kitten is causing my mum.
I'm at this point where I'm just petrified of even the near future, to say I'm not coping would be the understatement of the century. While I know how serious a decision it would be to end my life, I'm genuinely just don't think I can do this anymore, every other option scares me so more. | 7 |
Just caught myself googling how much weight a ceiling fan can hold | I knew I was slipping into the thoughts again, but now they're around every day.
Turns out it depends on the fan, some can and some can't. Older ones in older houses *probably* but I'm on the chubby side so who knows. I don't want to end up living and breaking the fucking ceiling for the landlord to sue me over, so I feel like that option is out. At least, tying to the rope there.
But the cieling in the basement is too low, there would barely be any drop before my feet skirt the floor. So thats not one either.
At this point it feels like it keeps inevitably getting closer, I'm still not 100% sure if I'll do it but having it all planned is weirdly comforting. I even picked a date, it's the same day next month as my previous attempt years ago. Night of my birthday. The sound part of my mind wants me to stick it out till then on the chance things improve. The other part is saying to give it another week maximum to get my affairs in order, and then just get it over with.
I guess we'll find out, I'll probably make another post when the time is closer | 2 |
For me, I go 0 to 100 | That’s the scary part. I could be totally fine and then something triggers to me and I’m ready to end it. I’m afraid I’m one bad day away from going through with it.
My life seems meaningless. Too many things happened today.
I was rejected from a job that I applied to.
My professor threatened to give me a zero because I didn’t fully scan my room during an exam.
The guy I was talking to randomly told me he wasn’t interested.
A business opportunity fell through.
What’s the point of living when you are broke, lonely, and bad luck always seems to find you? | 35 |
just my thoughts | I've posted on here a couple of times and I've got to admit things have gotten better but the feeling that no one would care if I just wasn't here is still something I often feel. It feels like there isn't much for me, almost like I've got nothing I can achieve and I've through my life with nothing achieved or anything to really be proud of. I think of these things daily and it's becoming overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do to help. | 1 |
In probably 30 minutes I will suicide | Everything is ready hope I will succeed but I may think about that I should not give up yet I hate that bullshit I will edit this if I survive (probably it's gonna be this shitty scenario)
Edit:for now I live | 1 |
Maybe tonight? | I know it‘ll sound stupid to most of yall but I feel without hope. I finished my college finals and met a girl who seemed to be perfect. She left living her life the best.
Meanwhile I sit here crying over and my depression is currently becoming worse and worse, so that the peak is coming closer and closer.
I‘m also sick of them all saying there plenty of fish in the sea.
I just wanted to be fckn loved once and instead I got shettered again.
Additionally Idk what will happen next in my life since I just graduated.
Left without perspective and hope I‘m gonna end by crashing my car into a tree or just an overdose of medical stuff tonight.
Fuck it | 1 |
I'm done I'm taking rat poison tomorrow. | I can't live with him anymore, I'm done I'm unemployed 25 no job no future sucide is the easier choice here I can't do it anymore I'm done.
I don't need therapy, I'm not traumatised I have no monthly income I live in a place where there's no job prospects. | 2 |
I wanna be dead already. | I don't wanna have to suffer for the rest of my life. There's no way for me to EVER have a happy life. There's no solution for my problems other than death. I hate my life. I love myself but I hate this world. I haven't felt genuine happiness in years. I have a few happy memories (all from my early childhood) but they just make me even sadder when I think about them. I only love 1 person in the whole world but there's no way for me to contact him, and he wouldn't even like the real me. Not even my hobbies bring me happiness. I hate going outside. All I do is just rot in my room scrolling on social media, and it doesn't even make me happy, just.. neutral. I know everyone always says "You're not alone!!" to a suicidal person, but I actually am. I don't have friends. I despise my family. I can't stand my classmates. I have felt this way for a very, very long time and frankly it's starting to get annoying. When I share something like.. an opinion that I have or my thoughts about others for example, people just call me edgy and that I'm "trying to be cool". Nobody ever takes my thoughts seriously. This world just isn't for me. I can't wait to finally kill myself. | 1 |
I may kill myself before the end of the year | I'm trying to hang on but it's so hard. More and more I think about dying and how freeing it is. I just want the torment to end. I have some things I want to see through this year but once that's done I am seriously contemplating going through with my plans around the holidays. I don't see any other way out of my pain and misery and the future looks even bleaker. | 2 |
im losing this battle. | i have been getting horrible bug bites all over my body because of the pools of blood on my mattress. my last 3 suicide attempts failed. despite how hard ive tried im still alive. i need to use a different method
does anyone know how to keep the bugs away? they are attracted to the blood but im not gonna just stop cutting seeing as how i need it to fall asleep.
i really just want one reason to keep going. a hug or kiss or fucking something . my self pity has turned to self hatred. i dont know what to do. does anyone feel the same? i just need to talk to someone who has gone through similar pain. | 2 |
I can;t stop crying | null | 1 |
Its like living through hell | So this might not seem a big issue to many but for me its like waking up daily and spending the whole day in thousands of headaches. I am burried under debt and i see no way out... my business is also highly burdened with debt and there seems to be no way out. House is mortgaged...no gold left...even selling th house wont help us totally. I am 24*7 worried about the future of my family and what is going to happen if our business stops And we have no source . | 3 |
I'm autistic and 15 and wanting to kill myself | Idk man I don't fuck with this world fr I'm stressed so fucking much everything has been going downhill and this isn't the first time I've been suicidal it's what got me tested for autism and adhd (both diagnosed adhd is combined) idk is it normal to be feeling how I am at my age or am I looking for attention subconsciously I don't want attention but I keep getting caught when I try cause I have no privacy | 1 |
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