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Advice needed | Never planned on posting on Reddit, usually just use it to browse. I've been scrolling through this subreddit for a while trying to find the best way to painlessly end it and how to stop being a coward and get it over with. I'm losing all hope for myself. Every time I get better it just ends up getting worse again. I need to talk to my parents about therapy or medication but I'm scared and maybe it's not even worth it. I think that maybe I'm just not meant to be here, that I'm just a waste of space. I'm young and have already done so much shit I don't think I can ever forgive myself for and I just don't see a future for myself. I hurt everyone around me and can't keep anyone around, they just end up hating me. I don't know how to change to be better and I lose everyone. I just don't know what I should do. Should I try to get better or should I just give in and end it, and if so what's the least painful and quickest way to do so? For anyone who read through this, thank you. Also sorry for this being a jumbled rant, it's late and I'm tired. | 1 |
28(m) hate my appearance so much it makes me want to die - I don't think i will ever have a partner again. | I hate my appearance so much it makes me sick, I've has this issue since 17/18 when I first noticed my receding hair. I am so grotesque and short and to top it off I've finally reached the stage where I can no longer fight my thinning hair and had to shave it off.
I don't know what to do I can't bare living anymore. I can't take how ugly I am, which makes me fear I will never find a partner. I just want to kill myself because I feel like that is the only way to end this torture which is crippling me. I don't know what to do I've tried therapy but all they say is that looks aren't as important as I think and people care about other qualities but I just don't believe it. No matter how many times people tell me otherwise looks seem like the be all end all in the quality of life and I lost the genetic lottery hard. | 61 |
Would it be fair to my English teacher if I asked him to help me decide when to kill myself? | I know I have to kill myself when I 'become an adult', because I am not fit to be one, but I don't really know when that actually happens. I'm in America, so the age of majority is 18 here, but people are typically still in school for several months after they hit the age of majority. My English teacher is very intelligent and cares a lot about adolescent mental development and stuff, so I want to ask him if he thinks that people become adults when they turn 18 or when they graduate from high-school, because I genuinely don't know if I will be an 'adult' or still just a teenager when I am 18 but in 12th grade. He wouldn't have any idea that he was technically involved with my death, nor would I leave a note to him or anyone else at school, but I'm still worried that he might put two and two together. He's a wonderful man and I wouldn't want him to think that it's his fault or anything, especially since most adults are really weird about suicide. My 18th birthday is this October and I graduate in May 2024 so it's not like this is an urgent thing, nor can I even talk to him until school starts in September, but I'd still like to get my plans together. Thank you for reading.
I also don't want any of your opinions on when someone 'becomes an adult'. None of you are as smart as he is, and I don't value the opinion of strangers like I would value his. I just want to know if you think he would blame himself or not. | 2 |
Not much to say | I want to kill myself but not in any way, I want to die while sleeping, I don’t want to struggle or feel pain even in the last moment.
I’ve given so many chances and waited for too long.
Even though my parents and I never agreed I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for all that they’ve done for me, and I kept myself going for their sake, but I wonder for how long can I keep pushing myself? I’m just burden to them and those around me.
All those I know or once knew had find a way in their lives and moved on, and yet here I’m still the same.
Life is nothing but a constant pressure, pressure to be successful, to be beautiful, to be financially stable.
I’m nothing I’m no one.
I just want to be free from everything I want stop exiting and stop feeling. | 1 |
Drunk now | I think I'm going to take my son on a special trip he'll never forget, and when Monday comes around and I'm all alone I'm going to either slice my throat or hang myself | 2 |
I've fucking fucked up my life and I'm thinking about ending it | Hello. It's funny that just a couple of weeks ago I didn't even think about suicide or finishing myself off. However, here's my story: I am 23 yo male who has been suffering from hypochondriasis my whole life. And recently I had a terrible crisis during which I went to another city to spend 800 USD on PET/CT without any real reason. What is worse, they found nothing during the examination and decided to check my head-neck area twice. So I have basically just got lots of radiation exposure for nothing, especially to my head, as it has been scanned three times: whole-body, brain CT, and head-neck area. And right after that, I started feeling bad, a couple of moles on my head became itchy and started growing, I got terrible headaches and I am constantly feeling nauseous, especially when I move. It's fucking terrible because I had a perfect life with my beloved wife, a good job and a whole lot of things to live for. Now I went for a couple of MRI scans and other medical examinations, and there are a lot of things that aren't great, there's definitely something going on with my body. I am afraid that I got a brain tumor (or possibly three, actually, as per MRI) and that I have caused a terrible slow death to myself. I can't accept the consequences of my actions and I don't want to suffer such a terrible death, as glioblastoma is one of my primary fears ever. I am constantly thinking about ending my life before I'm completely incapacitated and miserable. I really want to live on, I want to continue my family life, but I'm afraid that I have ruined everything myself and I can't accept it. I want to go back to my home country, buy some corvalol (prescription-free drops with about 18mg of phenobarbital) and finish this suffering. I can't bear the idea of not being able to move without feeling sick, of having headaches every day or being the reason for my own terrible demise. I just want a fast, painless ending. | 1 |
I want to kill myself right now, but if I do it RIGHT NOW, it will be worse, so I have to wait for a slightly better time (there is no good time for suicide, but I hope you get the idea). | How can I distract myself so I can wait a little longer? | 3 |
I don’t why anymore. I don’t know why people shouldn’t kill themselves if they want to do so. | This world is shitty. If they wanna escape, it’s their decision. Why do people try to dissuade them from committing suicide? Especially the ones that tell you they have no one in this world. Why? What’s the problem with letting them be finally free? | 11 |
I'm going to try to kill myself | I'm going to wrap a cord around my bed and see if I hang. Be back if I fail.
I couldn't go through with it | 3 |
why do people try and stop me from killing myself | i'm going to die one day anyway, so what's the point making myself go through all of this suffering instead of just ending it now? i don't want to live anymore, i don't see my life ever getting any better, i am so insanely insecure, anxious and depressed. i don't have any self-esteem at all, i think the worst of myself.
i don't see a future for myself, or atleast a future where i am alive or happy. so why not end it? | 3 |
Why are we masochists in trying to stay alive? | I've been suicidal since I was around the tender age of 13-14, I had plans to kill myself at 18 and was supposed by police. Now I am just here. Having quit university twice because I can't handle it, having ran away and lied my way through therapy because the therapist did not give a flying fuck about anything that I said. Not taking the meds because they don't help either and just make me a zombie. Every day I have some physical pain and have tons of anxiety regarding my situation. Getting a good job that won't drive me insane is nearly impossible for me without a degree, I am not from a rich family so it's not like I can just ask. I've lost all my friends and the only one I had remaining has a new life in a different country, which I accept and I am rooting for everything good for her but now I am alone, through and through. I don't talk with a living soul and I don't use social media because people here are extra weird and aggressive so I would rather not. I know my life has zero prospects and yet I am still here... just rotting away. If I knew I could still hang around as a spectator I would kill myself in a heartbeat.
I know this seems like a pity party, because everyone fucking says that because it's so great being a 21 year old male with no job, no degree, no frieneds, no relationship... I'm tired of everything and I give myself motivators to stay alive that just end up making me wanna die even more. | 3 |
I wish I hadn't born | I was trusted, supported morally and financially, and no one demanded I pay back all that was given to me. But I had to help my family at least show my appreciation in their hard times, but I didn't do what I was supposed to do despite having everything I could wish to succeed. I'm ashamed of who I became and who I could be if I were a little bit purposeful in my life and didn't avoid challenges. Since my graduation, I've procrastinated and been depressed while thinking about why I didn't achieve something after graduation. Then again, instead of changing myself, I'm missing the past and depressed about why I didn't apply for a master's, didn't finish my course, didn't get the job I wanted, wasted opportunities and time, and so on. I am depressed due to an unsuccessful career, personal life, etc. while being a smart, educated, and good looking man. And all I needed to do was do something every day consistently. I am supported and trusted by my family. I had the highest grades after graduating with my bachelor's degree, and everyone expected me to succeed at everything. But I am thinking only about the past, my mind can't be clear, and it kills me. I couldn't keep my promises, and by the year, everything was getting harder and less meaningful. Indeed, instead of writing this post, I could do something. I don't want to get into details, but If I kill myself, it would be equal to killing my lovely family (parent and siblings). If I change myself, it will solve most of the problems. Although I had to do it at least 7 years ago, it is difficult not to think about how I ruined my life by doing nothing and how it also affected the lives of my lovely family. I don't seek for advice as I know I just need stop overthinking about past. I just wanted write that if I can't change my mindset then I wish I hadn't been born. | 2 |
How do I stop wanting to kill myself? | I think I've been doing better lately but the thought is constantly there in the back of my mind. And some nights maybe after a particularly stressful day it's all I can think about and nothing I try to do to distract myself gets it to go away. Is there any way to stop it? Or a good way to distract myself? I'd appreciate some advice. | 2 |
If you take the time to read, thank you | What am I missing? There's something, I just cannot seem to understand or grasp what that one thing is. I often times find myself alone, just thinking about it. What is it that I am missing? Through every walk of life, I have been a bystander, looking upon others as they go through life like everyone else. It's as if I don't even exist at all; I am just here, without a purpose.
What does it mean to exist? To think? To be alive?
I truly believe my whole purpose of being born is dread. I have never had anything go my way in my entire life. I've never had a true friend. I've never been in love. I've never found financial success. I've never been smart or gotten good grades. I'm definitely not attractive. I've never done anything above average in my whole life. What is wrong with me? I've never experienced anything that defines what it means to be human. I've never experienced the highs of success, never touched the thought of having a purpose.
In my 19 years of life, I still cannot figure out what I am missing.
In my early stages of life, every moment was nothing more than an awkward misunderstanding. Every person I attempted to befriend either laughed it off, told me I was annoying or boring, or just completely ignored me all together. I would just watch from the background, as everyone in grade school and on made lifelong friends, had their first true love, and made lifelong memories that they will tell their children and grandchildren about. I truly wanted to know what it was like, but quickly realized that those things weren't meant for me. It is not like I didn't try either. I would try to talk to people, try to smooth talk the girls, tried to be one of the "guys", but all of these fruitless situations ended the same. Dread.
Moving up through the years of my life, into late middle school and early high school, I still hadn't experienced what it means to be human. I still wishfully watched others around me grow into real people. I watched as everyone found their respective niche, whether it was striving to get into a good college, pursuing a dream in sports, or even just making an honest living. I never fit into any of those groups. I got horrible grades, didn't dream of being remotely successful in any athletics, or even attempt to stand out. My daily life didn't include anything interesting. I snuck by, barely getting the grades to graduate, despite trying my hardest. My high school days ended the same as any other. Dread.
All of these events were utterly pointless in the first place. The day after I graduated, I moved across the country. Not that it mattered though, I hadn't learned anything in my 18 years of life up to that point. I took up a job with a real estate brokerage, after being threatened by my parents to be kicked out, if I didn't pay rent. They were disappointed in me, that I hadn't gotten into a college. They always compared me to my older brother, who, in their own words "got all of the intelligence in the family". He attends Harvard for his law degree, and I can see why they would be disappointed in my lack of academic success.
I've given this job my all, in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I could find a purpose, even if it was in a pointless job such as this. My efforts were futile. All I have done in this job is disappoint. I try my hardest, I really do, but it seems that I am just intelligently inadequate to succeed in any job. It is becoming more and more apparent to me as the days go by, lacking success, that this job, just like anything I have put effort into, will have the same conclusion. Dread.
All this to say, I am considering suicide. Yes, considering. There's one thing keeping me from doing so.
The one thing I cannot figure out yet.
I've had the ability to decipher what my life will end up being. I will never amount to anything, nor will I ever produce anything meaningful from my worthless existence. There is just an unexplainable thirst inside of me to experience what it means to be human. I long for the feeling of love, friendship, and pride, but I just cannot quench my thirst. This thirst is what continues to keep me living every day, but for some reason, deep down, I am unsure if I will ever know. If this is what I am destined for, then I do not want to waste time chasing a dream that will never happen.
I will come to a conclusion in the near future, for I do not know whether I am meant to exist or not. The question that circles my mind every day is this:
Even with my thirst to know what it means to exist, I've never experienced those things, so does that mean that I exist at all? | 17 |
Life is meaningless | I have no friends; my girlfriend and me have an argument and it is possible that she will leave me
No one supports me; everyone thinks im ugly and too sensitive
I wish I could end my life already. | 1 |
Contempleteing. Help! | null | 3 |
Evermore. | I use to feel normal and my normal was feeling god damn awful but that was ok. That was normal. It was normal for you to not want to get up, it was normal for you to cry on the playground, it was normal to be watched by countless unseen eyes. And I lived my life like this for so god damn long. Till I broke and submitted my life to the void yet I failed. So then I got diagnosed and given meds and it hit like a damn truck. Just the slightest feeling of not being down, empty, husked and just feeling ok was amazing.
A permeant fix to a temporary problem.
My problem isn't temporary it is my reality.
A permeant fix to a permeant problem makes simply the most sense. | 2 |
saturday | i bought the poison i’m going to use. i’m not going to say what it is because i don’t want to give anyone ideas, but it should knock me out in about 15 minutes. i’ve booked the hotel i’m going to do it in on saturday. i feel bad for the hotel staff but i don’t want my parents to find me. i’ve written most of my notes to people and i cried so much.
everything feels so surreal right now but i’m kinda at peace idk. there’s just no other option. i’ve lived an okay life i guess. i’m kind of scared of the afterlife if there is any, and im hoping there isnt. | 7 |
I was fine for days | I thought my feelings on things were getting better but they keep coming back, I feel like happiness isn't in the realm of possibility. I don't see the point of fighting if this is all its gonna come back to. | 1 |
Advice | In my real life I feel like I have to make face to everyone, so I decided to post this anonymously. I run a family business and it’s kind of struggling. We the owners have ceased paying ourselves a reasonable amount so that we don’t have to fire anyone. The last 3 years have been such a drag. Honor compels me to continue. My parents have invested a lot in me. The other day I was contemplating giving up on life but my business partner sounded so stressed I felt that I owed him my continued resolve.
Every day feels like I’m waking up next to a corpse. Often times I will put in a 12 hour shift basically voluntarily. I’ve salaried myself at some stupid small number. It’s not as if there’s no profit it’s just that I have so many dumb debts and you know rent is expensive.
A part of this and I’ll never really tell anyone this is that I don’t feel like I associate at all with the world. Somehow my business partner has so many friends and a revolving door of girlfriends with very little money while I’m basically alone. I don’t really know why they even care about money because happiness seems to find them so easily regardless. Every time I talk to someone I feel like I’m miles away and my words and their are muffled through some sort of fog- like some sort of song that the whole rest of humanity understands and I just can’t seem to find it.
In a lot of ways I just thought that if I had a number in my bank account that would at least mean my life is that valuable since I can’t really understand why I would respect myself otherwise. I just feel like I work kinda hard and I sacrifice always just to have an abysmal bank account to show for it. For the last year or two I selectively bought food for this month or that because I just want to be rich so that I can feel like my life had something at all to show for.
I have far to much pride to complain anywhere else. Besides I don’t really have a social life with how introverted I am and a workaholic in every other aspect in order to avoid actually thinking about things or stressing about a social ability which I feel completely devoid of.
I have essentially no motivation besides my honor at this point. I thought I knew love here and there. A couple of rejections and all and a growing distance from everyone because I’m just to tired to try any more and it’s too stressful and too sad to me to think of how boring I feel I am to everyone. I thought money might make me kind of interesting.
I’m not really suicidal but I feel kind of unhappy and I just don’t have much hope right now. I wonder if anyone else has felt pretty down and how they got over it and if you’ve felt hopeless how you kicked it.
Anyway i appreciate if someone read this and I hope you have a nice day. | 2 |
Chronic pain and disability are becoming too hard to deal with | I had to go out to the pool to keep from killing myself. The active suicidal feelings will disappear but then I’m stuck with feeling chronically (passive) suicidal. I’m just so tired and I’m in pain nearly constantly. There’s not a thing I can do that won’t cause me pain. I need a job but I can’t stand or sit long enough to do anything. There are days when even laying down hurts terribly. And there’s not really anything I can do. Pain medicine doesn’t help much. It helps some days enough that I can walk around for a couple hours. I can’t stand for more than 30 minutes at a time and I can’t bend down very many times before my back gets too weak and painful that I can’t do it anymore. All this is not even including the emotional part of what’s fueling this. My mom and step dad have always made me feel like I didn’t matter much. Especially when compared to my younger sister. I’ve moved out and at first my mom called often and now I’m lucky if I get a text from her. And when I do it’s usually her asking me to do something for her. I used to be able to handle it enough but then my dad passed last year. He made me feel like I mattered and was cared for. Now he’s gone and I have no one. Everyone also forgot that the three year anniversary of me not hurting myself passed last week. I struggled with hurting myself for around around a decade. I hurt myself for almost half my life. It’s really been calling to me lately. I’m kinda tempted to check myself in somewhere but it just seems pointless. I’ve wanted to die for 13 years. Some days are better than others but with my dad being gone it just doesn’t feel like anything is worth it. I don’t have any friends either. Haven’t in a while. I also can’t drive and can’t afford Uber so I spend most of my time just in my dark apartment either on the internet or asleep. I’m never not tired though. I just want it to be over with. I want to be gone. I don’t want to keep fighting a useless battle. I’ve lost most of my will to live at this point. My snake keeps me going somewhat but she’s all I got and I know she’d have a good home to go to where she’ll be loved. I just want to rest. Forever. | 3 |
nothing in me anymore | i seriously can't do this life thing anymore.
existing for the sake of existing is not a life.
calling it quits at nearly 49 still sounds like the plan. | 2 |
Everything is just so fucking expensive, I work longer hours but now don't have time to unwind or even enjoy life anymore... | work from 7:30am to evening, and just seems like I can't do anything with the money I earn besides pay bills, buy groceries and rent an apartment. I just don't have the energy anymore to do anything or,money is still too tight.
I came home after a long day today and just broke down crying realizing how little time to myself I have until tomorrow is another day of work. I got a huge bill today and was told people living in our complex had an extreme rent increase too, so most likely we will also have that.
I am struggling and don't know how to cope anymore. | 97 |
i’m on the verge of suicide | everyday is a fucking struggle nobody not even my boyfriend understands how i feel ever my therapist is running out of coping skills to give me i just really feel like i’m meant to die | 3 |
want to kill myself so bad but have to take care of my mom with cancer. why couldn't i have gotten it instead of her? | null | 3 |
Medication doesn’t do Jack shit for depression | This is my (16f) third round of antidepressants. I’ve been on antidepressants for around 1-2 years and I don’t even give a single fuck about whether they work or not. They don’t.
I was on anxiety medications for about 10 months before I started antidepressants
The first lot of antidepressants I was on made me so incredibly nauseous and unwell, I was throwing up almost daily and struggling a lot. I was on those meds for around 5 months
The second round of meds I was on them for 7-8 months and they didn’t make me sick. I had very few side affects and while I do think they helped they also just made me numb.
Rather than being anxious and depressed I simply just stopped caring. I don’t give a single shit about myself or what happens to me. If I walk across the road and get hit by a car good! I barely even check anymore. I have to hold someone’s hand or a nearby object so I don’t intentionally step infront of a car!! Why do I even bother?! I want to die. I want to die so so badly.
The meds I’m on now I’ve only just started and I have to admit that I’ve noticed some changes in my mood.
I still want to die and I still struggle with self harm which has and is only getting worse and worse. I think I hit a nerve?? I can’t feel part of my arm around where I cut. Hell the blade doesn’t even hurt me anymore. It’s just like cutting through paper.
Anyway this medication is making me angry. I feel agitated and mad at every little thing for absolutely no reason. I’m not typically an angry person but for whatever reason I feel so much rage and all I want to do is scream and claw at my skin because of how angry I am at myself for who I am. How I act. I’m stupid and ugly and I just don’t care anymore!!! Why should I have to suffer so that others are happy? I simply just want to die. I’ve attempted 5 times and hey ho I’m still here it didn’t work! Im that fucking stupid that I couldn’t even kill myself properly.
I don’t know what the point of this post was. I just wanted to rant and vent I guess. I could go on and on but I’m tired and have wounds to attend to so 👋 hope everyone’s having a better time than I am lol. | 34 |
i really wish people would stop telling me it gets better | because it doesn't.
it really doesn't.
and it never will. | 5 |
i wish i had the courage to go trough with it | I've never felt lonelier in my life. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. this past month has been awful. I sleep my days away hoping to escape reality. I feel like a waste of skin and space. I want to die, but I'm not brave enough to go through with it. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. at the end of the day, there's always someone better than you. and everyone around me has found that someone. I haven't talked to anyone about this, simply because I know they don't care. I'm trying to find reasons to stay alive, but I can't find any. I think some of us are meant to die early. everytime I see my knife drawer, I have to convince myself not to hurt myself with it. I really don't think I'm meant to live a long life. I just don't want to wake up again | 2 |
I can’t even distract myself, all I can think is kms, I am consumed by suicidal thoughts and my head hurts like hell | I can’t make them stop. I can’t make those thoughts go away! I don’t know what’s happening to me rn. I just want to end it, end it all. | 3 |
I guess this is it | I tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same monotonous and unfulfilling day over and over again. So I’m going to get drunk, drive down a backroad, and crash my car 100+ mph into a tree, without a seatbelt. My car is from 1993 so I’m fairly certain the singular airbag in the whole car will do little to stop this from killing me. I just feel bad for the first responders who have to clean me up. | 1 |
It's over, I am gonna disappear | I just lost everything. I lost the money that my parents gave to pay for my education, it's a really big amount. I am a failure and I want my parents to stop suffering, I want to stop causing pain to my family.
I haven't eaten for 3 days and tomorrow I am gonna stop drinking water. My plan is to die by dehydration. I love my family but I can't stand giving them constant pain.
I'm sorry. | 1 |
I'm making a plan on how I'm going to kill myself. and I hope to be gone this week. | I've got everything in place what how I'm going to go, where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do on the day.
I Don't want to go, and I've tried my best to find a way in my life that I would be happy. but it's just not there. I'll never be happy with the life I live, no matter what I do. so I give up, and I finally can't wait to be free. | 6 |
Suicidal | Have had suicidal thoughts for a few months now since I lost every single penny I had saved to my severe gambling addiction. Now that I also lost my girlfriend things only escalated. | 3 |
How did it come to this | Never in my wildest dreams I thought that I would be here. Past few months life’s really hellish it feels like it’s tough to breath each and every day. Due to circumstances my stress and anxiety levels keep on rising. I previously discarded the idea of suicide but the past few days I’ve been thinking of it more and more. Previously I thought worst comes to worst I thought I’ll commit a non lethal crime (rob a bank or attempt at least) and than spend the rest of my life in prison till I die. But for whatever reason I truly am thinking about committing suicide. I ordered the rope from Amazon yesterday and it comes in tomorrow but now I got another idea to use zip ties which I have lying around, for whatever reason I am more inclined on using the rope. | 4 |
tried hanging myself with a winter scarf | I was going to hang myself with a scarf cus i was so desperate because my relatives and friends are talking shit about me. I know im not supposed to care but I cant help it theyre bothering me so bad. I tied the scarf to my neck and I was fucking panicking when i stepped off the stool chair, all I could hear was the inside of my throat breathing so loud and I was starting to black out really fast in like 3 seconds but i couldnt do it so it so i took it off. once u do it u feel like the things that were bothering are not as bad as suffocating yourself so this was a fail. I might try another time. | 1 |
no job 25 no girlfriend no marriage and miserable I think suicide is the way. | I don't like where I live, I live in a small town I can't afford basic things to live I can't afford toothpaste.
I think suicide is the way, there's alot of drug use in the area I do have autism I don't want to end up homeless.
​ | 3 |
help | a year ago, i cut myself with a penknife. i had carved ‘NO’ on the underside of my left palm. my parents had been pretty alarmed, as they should(i was 11 then). then, i just wanted to see blood. now, i just want to kill myself. i will have my big exam later this year, and everyone’s been really anxious and i feel so stressed. please help me. | 1 |
1 | I am going to end it I just don’t know how. I am not a good person. Idk if it’s what I’ve been thru or when it happened but holy shit I am a horrible person. I can’t even get into half of it here. I deserve to die. In a twisted way I feel me being so horrible is how I’ve even survived. But that’s not good is it. I feel nothing and when I do it’s sadness or anger. Enough is enough I try and keep distance from everyone around me but It’s no good. I will end it soon. I want to set up a nice amount of money to leave behind, so my family can be sad but not poor, and then I’ll end it. Just quick just a deep breathe and every ounce of pain will be gone I dream of it. | 2 |
Please help | I'm 23, with a bachelors degree in engineering. I fucked up my final exams because of a bad breakup, can't find a job, masters applications are getting rejected, less and less drive and will every damn day. I just wanted to help people. Now I don't even think I want to help myself. I don't know what to do, where to go. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. | 5 |
Hate being alive | I deserve to be dead. All I do is fuck up every good thing in my life, and hurt people unintentionally. I’m a horrible person and I can’t take it anymore. I’m ugly, disgusting, annoying, a burden, especially to my parents and anyone I care about. My parents don’t want to be around me, my dad who I’m closest too even said to another woman that he should’ve stayed with her. The thought of all this hurts so bad, I either self-harm or smoke away my feelings so I can’t think or feel negatively for a while. But it never lasts of course. The only way I can stop it completely is by dying. I know I’ll die by suicide, I refuse to die any other way, I need the control and to die happily knowing I did everyone a favour, and that the pain will end. I am so close to finding a tall building (where no one is, I wouldn’t want to traumatize anyone) and jumping off. Once I jump I won’t be able to take it back, and it would be over quick. I need to sleep but my mind won’t shut up, I wish I could. | 1 |
Everything is so fucked up, why even bother? | If you're not well-off you might as well give up. We're just cogs in a system rigged against us. I'm 34, broke, alone, and just fuxmcking miserable. There's no end in sight.
Being alive is expensive and hopeless. I'm useless.
The only thing that makes sense is me not being here anymore. | 8 |
fuck guys im spiraling out of control | i take 20mg of lexapro because my depression hurts so much. ive pushed everybody away from my life and i dont have anybody or anyone. i just have my dog but i feel like such a damn loser and failure.
it feels like the world is so much better without me. i hate this feeling so bad. i hate feeling like
im constantly drowning. im so scared and anxious every single day. i just feel like im always suffering. im so scared | 2 |
Just want to see the stars one last time. | On Monday on the day of the new moon I'm going to shoot myself in the head. I wish I could overdose on morphine but not really an easy thing to get. I'm going to go up into the mountains, drink a bunch of wine, eat some snacks, write my suicide note, and look at the stars one last time. I feel like this is the niche I play in life. I don't know I just wanted to write this somewhere so I am not completely lost to time. | 3 |
There’s no one left to say goodbye to.. | So here’s a worthless reddit post. I acquired the means to leave this life recently. There was a moment of peace just having that. I waited some time, trying to really consider this life and my options. But I really do believe this is how it was always going to end. I’ve been suicidal for years.
It’s been years of pain, suffering, loss, financial hardship, and isolation. Years of this with no improvement no matter what I’ve tried. It never got better, it never will, and I’m tired.
I have no friends, I haven’t for years now. I’m estranged from most family. I can go for days without speaking to a soul. No one knows me. The only work I had involved no socializing. The most interaction I get at times is giving a food order to a fucking drive-thru worker. I don’t interact online. This very post is some of the most online interacting/reaching out/bullshit I will have done in a long time.
I see that I’m the problem, a worthless freak, loser that deserves this. I feel like I’m losing my mind more and more and more. My mind is so loud even when it’s so quiet. I just need the suffering to end. The void calls.
There’s no one left to say goodbye to so I turned to here to just feel something I guess. So, goodbye. | 2 |
Feeling really depressed | Unfortunately tonight was a extremely bad night for me. My wife and I got into a huge argument. The argument being that my wife told me to cut my family out of my life or she'll divorce me. My mom is a toxic person, I'll admit it. Even though she is toxic she has helped my wife out whenever my wife needed it. My wife and mom got into a fight about my mom getting into our business too much. So we decided that I greatly reduce how much I talk to my mom. We even left her out of the wedding. That included leaving my sisters out. I had no one from my side at the wedding because of this. We agreed I can keep limited contact. My sisters 9th birthday recently came up and my wife wouldn't let me say happy birthday to my sister because it included talking to my mom. It was really hard for me. Tonight my mom texted me just saying she loves me. My wife went completely cold and wouldn't talk or touch me. She told me I had to pick right there my family or my wife. I argued back because we had agreed on this. She then asked for a divorce and we've been fighting since. Someone please give me some advice. | 1 |
I've pushed away everyone close to me by being a fucking idiot and I have nothing left keeping me here | I've never really made a post like this before but I'm really scared and I have no one to turn to. My girlfriend broke up with me and my best friend has stopped talking to me since then. Everyone else I've tried to talk to has ignored me or killed the conversation before it started. I'm stuck just spiralling telling myself how much no one cares about me, how I ruin every relationship I start, how everyone would be better off without me here. I really need to talk to someone. | 3 |
It never stops | I am struggling. The thought of ending my life constantly running through my head, that things will never get better… that somehow I am a complete failure. That I don’t deserve to live. Last night I emailed my psychiatrist who I was seeing for ketamine infusions and told her all about my struggles. She responded to me with the suggestion that I go to the hospital. Going to the hospital has never been beneficial to me and I have always felt it to be a very traumatic experience. After I received her response I also finally got a response saying that I would be receiving my job offer within the next 24hours. I still don’t know what I will be earning, even if it’s a living wage. But I do know that I at least have a bit more hope than the day before. If I can just white knuckle it until I get insurance reinstated then I can go back to working on the things that need working on. Though I still have the thoughts… it’s safe to say that I will see my 37th birthday in a few days. | 1 |
Over it | I just simply don't give a fuck anymore. Bye | 2 |
Idk anymore lol | A rant (sorry everyone).
I just need to say that in my 22 years of existence 13 of them have been horrendous and honestly I see no reason to keep pushing anymore. At 9 I had my first panic attack and my depression started (either from being raped or watching my mum get beat by a total POS ex). Then at 12 I developed severe agoraphobia which made me lose my childhood and still suffer from it to this day. I've never experienced love nor do I think I deserve it because I'm just horrendous physically and mentally. Everytime I try to get help from my family it feels like they act distant as if they want me gone aswell, I understand because I am just a big burden on people's lives. Right now i'm not feeling any emotion and logically suicide is just a good way to be at peace and out of everyone's way, no-ones gonna miss my dumbass anyway. Only problem I have is everytime I pick up the knife I'm just scared of the pain, coward in life and death I guess | 3 |
Why now? | I can't fucking do it. Each time. Not sharp enough, couldn't go through with it, couldn't jump, couldn't pull the damn trigger or even look down the barrel. Why? Each one of my , laced with some action to try to get help but none ever came. My whole life. All my actions. No one ever helped. But now I'm actively trying to end it. Why? Why would someone just appear and help?Why am I the one to be helped? Why can't I do it anymore? | 1 |
Vincent | "Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy, linen land
Now, I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand
Now, I understand, what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you
Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now, I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will"
\- 'Vincent', Don McLean (1971)
​
I love this song so much. | 7 |
Hate it | I'm not trying to diminish anybody else's struggles on here and i know everybody is fighting their own demons.
But I see people ralijf about leaving behind their children and it's hard because my biggest motive if you like for wanting end things is that I will never have my own kids.
I left a 7 year relationship for fear she didn't want kids, it may not have been true, hindsight makes me think it was my own shit sabotaging things but now I face the reality of knocking 40, single with no chance of a family on the cards. Always thought I'd be a good dad but now that isn't going to happen it's like what's the fucking point | 2 |
Someone please respond | Can someone please read my previous post and talk me off the ledge. The guilt grows by the minute and I’m getting closer to doing something I can’t take back | 2 |
Not numb, but empty... Why? | I feel empty... But not numb, I Just feel like I'm not feeling anything... I feel like I'm not here...
Idk what to say
I feel something
The feeling I feel Just doesn't exist...
I feel like I want to SH Just to feel something that I can understand... So I can feel at all...
I litterally Just SH a couple minutes ago, went and got some water, the cuts still sting, and I want to again already...
I don't know why I feel this way, I Just feel like I don't belong... Just in general...
Idk where I don't belong, I Just don't
I'm confused and Sad but I don't feel confused and Sad...
Do I belong in this body? Do I belong in this life? Do I belong in this time?
Do I belong at all?
I don't get it...
Why don't I feel anything?
Are feelings actually connected to your physical body or brain? Like... I'm Sad, but I don't feel sad
I'm tired but I'm not sleepy... I want to rest but I can't... Is that the same?
I feel lost
That's what I feel
I feel alone...
I feel so alone...
I feel so very alone...
Even though I am not...
Why? | 3 |
I really can’t take pain anymore | My life this past few months has been miserable and its all my fault. I have no friends and I lost my girlfriend because of my stupidity. If I tell my parents what I feel they’ll disregard it and say more damaging things to me.
I really need therapy but I don’t have money and every therapy facilities I l know needs a parent information and contact details.I don’t have someone to talk to and I just want to get a handgun and shoot myself.
I really can’t anymore everything is too much the only things that gives me a reason to live are my dogs.
I’ve experienced a lot of mental breakdown these past few days, drinking whiskey and vaping somewhat helped me (I’ve never did this thingsback then).
This world is shit and im beginning to end myself | 1 |
I think I could have died if I had just waited long enough. | The blood started squirting out at some point, and I'm pretty sure I hit a vein. If I just kept lying there and waited and let it bleed, maybe I could have died, maybe.
But I'm a coward. I couldn't stop thinking about how it would feel like, and at some point I got up, put on some bandages and went to the ER.
I was so close and yet I didn't dare to actually go through with it. This could have been all over at this point, and I'm so tired of trying over and over again.
Idk who else to tell this. Thanks for reading. | 13 |
En serio quiero morir y rápido antes que todo se vaya mas a la mierda | Últimamente todo me ha estado jugando en contra, y se que es por mis propias acciones del pasado y se que actué mal en ese tiempo y no justifico para nada lo que hice, pero ahora solamente pienso en el suicidio como una forma de terminar con eso, una forma de no seguir con la misma mierda todos los días. El año pasado tuve problemas con adicciones, y por un suceso traumático lo deje de hacer por un tiempo, el problema es que volví a usarlas y hace poco las volví a dejar por mi novia, la decepcione muchísimo por eso y por otra cosa que prefiero no mencionar, todos los días me arrepiento mas y mas de haberla decepcionado de esa forma, no se equivoquen, nunca le he sido infiel y nunca le haría eso pero le oculte muchas cosas y ahora me esta pasando factura. Aparte todos mis amigos se fueron y ya ni siquiera puedo hablar con ellos. Todo me esta cayendo encima y en serio tengo mucho tiempo pensando si hacerlo con una botella y unas cuantas pastillas en una semana. Por favor en serio solamente quiero terminar con todo esto de una vez porque ya no encuentro una forma para poder arreglarlo o poder hacer que ella se sienta mejor, la amo con todas mis fuerzas pero sinceramente no se que hacer para que eso pueda ir a mejor | 2 |
I want it to be painless | Occasionally, I think about ending it all. I don't think about it everyday because some days are better than others. But I know that if I wanted to do it; I want to go painlessly. | 2 |
I’m so tired. And I really don’t know what to do! Part 3 | Now regarding money issues. Let me tell you how I see life. I believe in levels. Yes i do believe some people are better then others and some people are on a higher level then some others. So regarding my situation, I was born into a, let’s say, Level C family. But I’m forced to live the life of a Level F for example. Like I don’t mind having friends who are maybe poorer/richer, smarter/not-smarter, shorter/taller…etc. But I do believe that when it’s time for me to spoil ME and make ME happy, I deserve to do it the same was someone on Level C would. I’ve been stuck with my Iphone XRbfor years now, with lagging issues and a broken screen. I don’t want the brand new iPhone every year, but i would appreciate changing it every 4-5 years at least. I have friends who buy the new iPhone yearly. Some others go on trips every weekend to do shopping. Some go to celebrate a friend’s birthday in another country and come back the same day. And I’m stuck here in an uber/ with my dad to go to uni and back. Can’t even afford a card. Well I can but my uncle thinks it’s funny to steal everyone’s inheritance.
Now, in terms of other family members, I have a cousin who has a dog, knows a muslim can’t pray for 40 DAYS if a dog touched him. Yet she tries forcing him into me and although she knows I’m scared of dogs, her and her “funny” mom “my aunt”, use him to scare me and make him run after me until I’m out of breath. They both know to damn well I can’t run cause I’m fat and I was diagnosed with heart issues. My grandma doesn’t even know my name, and only remembers it cause i have the same name as my grandad. Regarding my mom’s family, we barely see any of them. We only see my uncle and his wife and their daughter who’s 4 years older then me. His youngest is in Armenia, and then going to Ohio probably. And his oldest is in Qatar. The issue with them is that, my uncle’s wife USED to treat me like a son of hers, but in the recent years she’s been treating me like someone who’s killed her entire family. It’s like she’d rather die then me going to visit, and whenever I’m talking she’s always trying to stop me or make me look like i said something wrong. Her youngest was my best friend, but clearly he now hates me for some reason. I’ve invited him at least 20-30 times since last summer when he’s visiting on vacation to come swim at our house, and his response is always the same “ soon inshallah, I’m busy today “. The oldest tho was like a brother to me, but he also has been treating me like shit recently. Last week actually, him,his fiancé and her family, and his family ofc were invited over to our house. I sat next to him, and while they were there for like 4-5 hours he never talked to me but once. And whenever I tried talking to him or anything he either acted like he wasn’t listening or like he’s checking his phone.
Now in terms of college. University was the only place I felt safe because of the friends I made. But unfortunately nothing lasts forever. According to my “best friend”, I talk like a 12 year old GIRL. And i even found out that he usually screenshots my stories and sends them to our other friends and they make fun of me. And here’s me thinking we were brothers for life. Other friends of mine also are doing the same thing probably, cause whenever we talk they make fun of me and everything. So yeahh….
I know this is toooo long, but i really had to let this out, or else I don’t know what I would’ve done to myself. Suicidal thoughts are still running through my mind tbh, but I’ll try doing something to force forget it or sth. If anyone is interested on checking on me, i can post an update tomorrow or something if i didn’t end up offing myself.
Yours Sincerely, D | 1 |
I’m so tired. And I really don’t know what to do! Part 2 | Regarding family situation, I don’t think i was the luckiest. In terms of close family: My dad, mom, and younger brother. I was the most forgotten and always neglected and talked to like I was an outlaw or an outside who never belonged there; Or at least that’s how I felt. My brother is 4 years younger then me, and for some reason he’s everyone’s favorite from my family. Even our extended family prefers him over me. Since we were kids, if I did wrong, i would get punished; However, if my brother did something wrong, I get punished as well, because I should’ve taught him better. Whatever he does, he’s constantly rewarded, either words or gifts. Why did i say words? Cause in my whole lifetime, not a SINGLE SOUL ever gave me a compliment or said something nice to/about me. Never received a “I’m so proud of u son” or “you are a great achievement of ours son”. Nothing at all. While my brother gets it for doing nothing. Like he could fix the internet by unplugging and plugging the cable again, and he’d receive so many compliments from everyone. But if i end up finding the cure for cancer, save someone’s life, and become the richest man alive, my parents will find a way to ruin the day for me. Their mist basic was is comparing me to anyone else; Especially my cousins. If I get a “B” on exam, they’ll be like, “ why not a B+”… I went through a lot of things in my life, and someone on tiktok said that writing daily notes in a book would help someone alot emotionally and mentally, so I did just that. In one of the pages, I was sharing my experience about my suicidal thoughts i was having, and I LITERALLY DID IT once, and what happened to me and everything. Years later my parents found about the book and they read it. What was the first thing to tell me when I woke up? “ You do know committing suicide is Haram in Islam, you’ll end up in hell. Is that what you want?” They never asked about what i did it or how was i feeling at the moment. And since then life has been as shit tbh.
Now regarding my extended family. It’s too messed up and it’s a bit hard for me to explain it. So I’ll do it in the best way possible. As a start, I need you all to know that my grandpa died in 2006, and logically, his sons and daughters including my dad should inherit him. But my 2nd oldest uncle decided to steal all the money. So he made my aunt sign a paper that says she’s willing to give all her will to him. So now her inheritance is his. Why only my aunt tho? Because my uncle is married to a Lebanese woman. And here in Lebanon, Palestinians can’t really own things like businesses,houses…etc. So basically everything my grandad had were forced into her acc. And now she literally has everyone’s money and not given it back since my grandad died. The family got divided into two parts then, some who enslaved themselves for my uncle and his wife so they can get money from time to time, and the other side that cut relationship with everyone else until the money is back. My dad was part of the second group/side. And him and my uncle hat each other. And this has been going on for years now, and my life is getting even more miserable tbh. I was promised I’ll go study abroad after finishing school, but when I did, i had to stay here, cause my dad couldn’t really afford it, my uncle wasn’t going to pay, and my mom told my dad she’d leave the house if he lets me go. Cause she was scared I’ll go on the “wrong path” after I make it to Europe. And that she will miss me a lot and can’t lose me at a young age. So i had to stay here. | 1 |
I’m so tired. And I really don’t know what to do! PART 1 | To start things off, I’m a 20 year old Palestinian kid, lived my whole life in Lebanon due to the issues happening in my country. That’s another story tho. Keep in mind for mater that I’m PALESTINIAN and MUSLIM.
To start things off, i was born on October 9, 2002; And since then my life was nothing but a crazy downhill ride. In general, I feel like the most excited people were to see me was a few seconds before I was born! After that no one seems to care about me. Matter of fact, as a kid I used to go to bed sad, then cry myself to sleep, cause I thought I was a ghost and everything happening to me is just an imagination. Why is that? Cause I was always hated on, bullied, disrespected, and most importantly forgotten.
My school years weren’t easy! I had a different accent then everyone else in school. Since all Arabs speak Arabic but in different dialects, so mine was different then the Lebanese dialect. So my friends and some teachers did quite the job in bullying me whenever I talked. What hurts even more is that some of my “close” friends would always start it. As I grew older, and after everything I went through, I decided to never use my dialect ever again. So I basically buried my true self inside of me just to please the rest of the world. My dialect wasn’t the only issue I suffered from. I was a fat kid growing up. Fatter then expected and for my age, I was looking like a moving hot air ballon in ground. So my “friends” did their best to bully me and hurt my feelings. This kept happening until grade 10, where it suddenly stopped. Until I found out they’d already been part of a WhatsApp group for years now, and they bully me there, and say the most heartbreaking things to ever be said/written. | 1 |
Feeling suicidal , why keep going? | Chronically I’ll with multiple illnesses why live? | 1 |
I don’t know | I’m in college. I live on my own. But I’m broke. I don’t have life direction, and I push everyone away. I’ve been made aware that my actions are erratic and embarrassing. I can’t slow my mind down and it’s starting to drive me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in mental pain ever since middle school and I’m 24 now. I try not to talk to family about it but when I do they don’t understand, and friends will one up me to make their situation harder than mine. It’s not that my life is worse than anyone else’s, it’s that everything wrong with me is mentally getting worse. I’m getting these waves of poor impulse control. I drink everyday when no one’s around. I rarely leave my bed, I take pills to sleep and pills to stay awake. Every guy I’ve started something with has cut me out and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. My dad won’t speak to me anymore, my brother looks at me like I’ve gone insane, and my mom only calls to ask if I’ve taken my meds. All these signs make me feel like everyone would be better off without me. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m most afraid of when I’m off these medications, I can barely function or form sentences correctly, and my anxiety gets so bad I shake and slur my words. I can’t hold a job. I wish everything would end. I was in the psych ward for 3 days and it made things much worse. I’m completely alone. I don’t want to burden anyone around be because they’ve dealt with me so long it’s almost the norm for them. | 1 |
Tomorrow | I’m done | 1 |
I almost did it today | I'm a father and next week I'll be 30 years old.
I lost my job and because of my heart defects I can't just work in a factory. I have applied for hundreds of jobs and not got a single call back.
I live in a small town and my ex and her boyfriend pushed me to the point because of my lack of money, depression and a few other things that while my daughter was out with her aunt I almost put my car and me off in the marina dock in town...
The only thing that stopped me was my daughter calling me and saying she missed me.
I have been denied food stamps and disability and i have no family other than my sister and grandma who talks to me anymore... I have no friends and the only one I truly have is my daughter.
Sometimes I feel my ex and her boyfriend would make better parents than me and I truly feel she would be better without me in her life anymore.
I have such bad medical debt, food is overpriced, I have no job because the store shut down, was denied unemployment, denied assistance, have no friends, looking at an eviction in 2 months because rent was jacked up 500 bucks, and my ex and her bf screamed at me when after a fight I said Im sorry for existing.... If things don't get better I really don't think I'll last much longer on this planet | 2 |
On the way out… | I know the end is near. I don’t know when but I don’t plan to make it to 2024.
I don’t believe in God anymore but I still believe any kind of hell would be better than trudging on in this current world. That is unless my life dramatically improves within 3 or so months.(Unlikely. No job. No friends. No future)
It was nice knowing some of you and I hope all of you are able to find purpose or at least peace.
Farewell | 5 |
Someone talk with me | What do I do ab these awful anxiety attacks, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I just want to be at peace :/ | 5 |
The thoughts are back | I'm not going to do it, but man the fucking thoughts are enough to kill me. I feel like a lot of the time I'm not really here, like not really existing just trying to survive. I get that to survive you have to exist in the first place but I can't remember the time I lived without bad thoughts taking complete control of my brain. I just want it to stop.
I'm trying so hard to get better and the thoughts of hurting myself come in harder every time I move past it and feel it again. It's so much easier to go back into it then to get better and I get that it's always going to be like that but it's fucking brutal.
Idk maybe if I had of tried sooner it would have been easier but I've only just realised what I've got to do now, why is it that the people who care for us most can't see what's going on and offer support? I know nobody can fix this shit but me, but nobody told me that.
I just hate the fact that I finally get hope and then I'm right back into this shit and can't take it. Cut me a fucking break please.
(Sorry for all the swearing but it kind of helps). | 2 |
Countdown to my end... | I've essentially finalised my decision. I won't make it past early September.
I'm a little apprehensive, but nothing compares to the trauma and suffering I've had to and continue to endure.
I accept we will all die sooner or later anyway, some just have the privilege of living a much longer and fulfilling life.
Maybe if I posted a selfie, my resume and talents, some would be dismayed and shocked, but I like my privacy online. What a waste, life is truly unfair. | 2 |
Dead within 14 days | It's okay.
I understand this place.
>!I'm just a slut for the amusement of femdom bdsm mistresses.!<
>!If my value in this world is placed on my nude body instead of my intellectual capacity, and all the work that went into it, then I'd rather die. !<
I could work 12 hours a day and it's still economically unviable. This place is ruined.
My life is a waste whether or not I live or die.
I have an idea of how I'll do it. If one part doesn't work, there's a fail-safe.
Dead very soon. | 0 |
So depressed - | I don’t know what to say, my life just never has developed into anything substantial. I’m nearly 45, working two jobs I could have gotten when I was 21 and with no skills. I’ve worked my butt off at many jobs over the years, but no good opportunities for advancement have come up. I was in a small car accident 6 years ago, that had big consequences. I got concussed in 3 places, got nerve damage that my body interprets as constant pain, tried therapy, meds, time… nothing has really helped. This accident gave me PTSD and I’m particularly triggered by the sounds of my children playing loudly. I was once the primary care giver for my children, but now I can’t stand being around my kids, or the way I act towards them.. I get so upset and yell at them when they’re just being kids. It hurts to know I’m probably affecting them negatively. I’ve never felt quite right since by dad passed away on my birthday nearly 20 years ago, I never really dealt with my feelings with that whole thing as he wasn’t a good guy and eventually blew up and was a jerk and my fiancé at the time left me… I deserved it, I was cruel, I drank and drugged for a while to self medicate… it distracted me for a while… but things just feel dismal again. Lately my kids are just at each other all day every day and my PTSD is completely at wits end. I’ve been a high functioning sex addict all my life, but now middle aged, things aren’t quite working the same, I’m not enjoying myself, I don’t feel close to my wife and she’s no longer interested in sex or helping me relieve stress in that manner. It was one of my few outlets that helped me just reset and relax.
So yeah, this is super long and a lot, but all in all, my life just feels like a mess, I feel unimportant, insubstantial, unloved, ugly, and have been hating the father and husband I am. I put on a show and try to act normal the best I can and fool my kids and my family. I just suffer all the time and don’t really see any ways out. I’ve been contemplating offing myself for some time… I don’t want to feel this way. I just feel trapped and there’s no chance at happiness for me. I’m so exhausted mentally … I’ve been in a really dark place and have tried to come back, but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards… | 1 |
I think I'm a zoophile | I've had this problem before, before I thought I was a pedophile, I still sometimes think I am, and I'm so scared of it that looking at children scares me.
I think I'm a zoophile, I used to watch furry porn, I know it's weird but I just liked the humanoid look and funky colors, but one of them was of a pokemon but it wasn't humanoid, and I still watched it, more than once and I feel so ashamed and disgusted, I'm terrified I'm gonna hurt my pets, I don't feel anything for them but I'm still terrified, I checked to see for a reaction looking at pictures of dogs and I think I felt something, I am terrified I am a zoophile, I know the pedophile one was fake because now I'm terrified of children, but this one may be true because of what I saw, I'm terrified, I don't wanna hurt an animal, it's starting all over again, I feel like I need to kill myself so I won't hurt anything or anyone, I feel like a danger to others | 1 |
Will I ever feel better? | I am 19 & I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since I can remember. I am not depressed, but I feel so drawn to just end it all. I tried first when I was 11 & then again at 16, & have been thinking to myself that I just wish I was never born since I was 3 or 4 years old. I’ve tried many different therapists & I honestly just feel like I want to get past this lifetime. I am so bored all the time, I know so well that there are great things to see & do in this world & I am grateful all the time for the beautiful things I see day to day, but I just feel so homesick for the way things were before I was born. It feels as though suicide was the only fail safe programmed into my mind. I can’t cope, when I do the feeling comes back, triggered by absolutely nothing specific at all. I can’t talk to people about this because it pains me so much to worry the people who love me, I talk to my therapist about it now but even then it feels so clinical, when I just want someone to understand what’s happening to me. | 1 |
I hate my brain | When I FINALLY find the ability to solve or manage a problem that has been the center of my suicidal ideation, my brain just picks a new one. It’s so disheartening to have to come to terms with the fact that the issue is ME. The problem is my brain. No matter how hard I try to fix something plaguing my mind, my brain will always just move onto a different topic to be the focus of my suicidal thoughts. I hate that this is never going to go away and that I’m going to have to struggle with these thoughts for the rest of my life. It’s exhausting. | 1 |
Each day I live it’s like hoping that I’m dead yesterday | I tried, all my life I’ve tried but never did good enough job it’s almost like I’m worst to people around me like each day it gets exponentially worst. I can not do this anymore. Longer I live more evil I become, more suffering I have to endure and all this for nothing. I have everything but also I don’t have anything. All that mattered was my dad and I killed him leading rest of my family to where they are now. I gave up, I can’t try anymore. Nothing I want to say nothing I want to do nothing I want to think. Wish there is easier way to do this, nothing seems effective and pain less. | 2 |
i fantasize about death | i just want to vent and not have my feelings or experiences invalidated, please. i’m tired of my ED, breaking up with the only person who loved me even though we were right for each other i miss how much i meant to them and they to me. i’ve been depressed for +5 years without anything working. i have so much trauma and anxiety in the world and other issues that make it really hard for me to get a new job and get a therapist. i dream of being dead because i can be free of it all. please don’t give advice, i just needed to rant about how overwhelming it is and i have no one else to talk to because sometimes they invalidate me (not on purpose) and i seriously can’t take it anymore. not going to act on anything don’t worry | 2 |
I desperately need your help | I am 23 F. I have a son that is almost 14 months old, he is the light of my life. My husband and I have been dating since 18. I come from a long history of alcoholics, drug users, and very unstable people. I was raised by parents that I know loved me, but I feel like they destroyed me. I feel like they destroyed my ability to be normal, to experience joy, to not be confused as to whether I’m actually a good person or not. When I allow myself to be overcome by these feelings, I’m snappy with everyone around me, I cut people out of my life, and I never leave my home. I’ve tried various hobbies, but I feel like my husband and my previous son deserve far more than I am ever capable of being. I have been suicidal off and on for the last two years, and now more than ever it seems like it needs to happen. The biggest reason that I stay is that I’m terrified of ruining my baby’s life by leaving this way.
So, my question to you all is this:
For those who have lost a loved one to suicide at a very young age, how did it impact your life?
Edit: I cannot convey seriously enough how severely I feel that I am ruining the quality of their lives. | 2 |
Crying at work | I’m currently crying at work. I really can’t take this anymore. I think today once I get home there’s a high probability this’ll be the day. | 13 |
Communication Issue | To preface all this, I have suicidal thoughts all day every day about several things. Fear of the future, not being smart enough, not being capable, no identity or personality, and especially a lack in being able to communicate/converse with others.
Think of when you’re in conversation with people and you usually respond almost immediately with words of any kind. I can’t do that. People have this ability to just talk about anything and move from one topic to the next. I can’t figure out why it is that I can’t just join in and say words. It’s not that I’m afraid to say something or think that what I’ll say won’t be valued. My mind is literally blank, I do not have words to say in the first place. Does that make sense? Does anyone else have this issue? I feel like I don’t know anything and it’s been making me feel inferior. It makes me feel like I don’t have an identity or personality, because it seems like identity/personality evokes natural responses from people in conversation. I can’t even talk with my friends anymore, let alone other people. Any advice or help? | 1 |
I must be really annoying | I've been depressed most of my life. I tried to cut myself as a cry for help when I was 12 and it first started and my dad screamed at me about how if I really wanted to die I'd try harder. After that I kept trying to overdose with pills, like 7 times throughout middle school and high school and a couple times since then. Nobody really cared and eventually I stopped bothering with pills since evidently that doesn't work.
Now I'm 24 and don't work. I have to be supported by my dad. I'm a lesbian and I've never dated. I don't really have any friends. Don't have a drivers license. I do part time college but I don't anticipate I'll ever actually graduate and achieve anything. I feel like shit all the time mentally and physically. I'm constantly bitching and moaning about about my feelings or my migraines. If I was straight I'd at least be able to find a guy and I wouldn't be so alone.I'm repulsed by penises and I feel pain whenever I'm aroused, (presumably on account of the molestation that occurred when I was young ), but it's tempting to let a guy have sex with me just so I won't be so alone. The loneliness is the worst thing. The only reasons I haven't attempted suicide again is cause now I have a couple dogs who need me and because I don't have a gun.
It must be so annoying to know me. All I ever talk about is how much I hate being alive. There's no pre-depression state for me to get back to. It's my whole personality now. In my last suicide note, all I wrote was "I don't know what I could say to explain this that I haven't been saying for the last decade." All I do is whine about how shitty my life is. I don't even do anything. I spend most days at home in bed. Yet I'm always complaining. No wonder no one likes me. | 5 |
I'm thinking of doing it again | I'm so alone. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of being told how selfish I am. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of shit for reacting to something I find offensive. I'm tired to make an effort only to be pushed back down. I try to talk to people but everyone ignores me, being busy with their lives and all. I think I'll do it this Saturday. There's no point in trying anymore.
I invite you to help me plan my last few hours. I plan to go away from home and do it in a remote location. Maybe I'll go hiking somewhere beautiful. Do you have any fun idea to do before my final hike? I'm thinking of getting an ice cream. What else? | 2 |
I just want to go to sleep for a while. | I'm not ready to die, but I need a break from the relentless pain. I wish you could just voluntarily put yourself in a coma. | 130 |
God I want the pain to stop. It’s been 41 years of this shit and it’s only gotten worse despite my efforts. | I just feel so blunted, so worn down, and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me.
I’ve sought help for most of my life and I’ve been fortunate enough to have access to all kinds of great people and mental health resources, as well as medications, and I still feel like I’m unable to make a shift to a more empowered, happy existence.
I feel useless and seem to suck at most things I try. The things I used to think I wanted don’t seem to inspire or excite me at all anymore. I pursued stand up comedy for a short while after years of dreaming and even though it went well I just didn’t care about it and found it tiresome. I never really had other dreams and I’ve just been forced to “gut it out” through jobs I hate. Now I’m unemployed again after a stint in a new industry that led me to a breakdown a month ago.
I’m back at square one trying to find work and having to sell myself as a viable candidate even though I feel like hiding in a home and dying all the time. I feel so useless and weak and like the world is just going to eat me up.
Now I’m getting older and it’s harder to convince myself that things will work out.
The days are so miserable. I wake up and instantly wish I hadn’t. I get through the day by doing what I have to (Chores, gym, recovery meetings) but it all feels heavy and I’m never happy with the result. I seem to lack the ability to “kick ass” and give 110%. I hey so bored, frustrated, and am full of anxiety the whole time I’m going through the motions and so the results I get are always sub par.
I don’t enjoy life, I feel afraid of people, I loathe being awake and having to do things. Everything feels like a chore. No amount of love from other people seems to make a dent in the misery.
I think about it ending it constantly but know I’m too afraid to go through with it. So I’m just trapped in this mediocre miserable existence.
Time to try to nap so I can check out for a while. | 2 |
im tired | m tired. im sick of everything. my bfs five seconds away from leaving me. says i have to get my shit together. idk how to do that so guess im fucked. he’s gonna leave and block me if i don’t get better, as i was informed. so js waiting for that to happen. im gonna try to be better but i’m fucking hopeless and useless so i probably won’t be good enough anyway. the futures looking pretty bleak. i don’t think i’ll make it to august tbh. that’s how it’s looking. i don’t feel bad anymore. i mean, he’s gonna block me on everything, and he’s the only one who’s gonna miss me but he’s not even gonna know so. oh well. who cares anymore right? yeah. im tired. i wanna be gone. hopefully i will be soon🤞 | 1 |
18 | 18 was going to be the age I never got to. I always said to by myself:”By the age of 18, you will have done great things! And start a whole new chapter!” But when I finally got to 18, I had absolutely no idea what i was doing or going to do with my life. Now I’m 24, still here. I actually wanted to be gone by 18, I hated life and gave myself such high expectations. Now I’m just surviving some days, and actually living other. So keep going, life does get better. After 7 years of not knowing I was in the middle of a depression for al those years, I know how negative life looks. I started to look at little beautiful things: the sun, a pretty flower, a butterfly, sound and smell of the rain, people smiling… Try it 1 step at a time and don’t care at how others see you, because in 100 years nobody will care if you did or didn’t do something. So don’t give AF. | 2 |
Help I’m alone and can’t find anyone to talk me down. | I am about to lose another job. I’ve been trying so hard but I keep getting sick. I’m constantly in pain and no one can figure out why. I feel like a waste of air. I just don’t want to feel so useless anymore. I’m so tired. I’m frustrated. I don’t know what to do. | 2 |
New account here struggling pretty hard | I 23 F just started just started therapy for the first time after struggling with mental health issues really all of my life. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and have no one to turn to, everyone around me says if I need to talk they’ll be there but it’s all BS because when push comes to shove and I have that blade to my skin who’s there to talk me down beside myself? No one. My mental health caused me to have a breakdown at work and impulsively quit my job that I dreaded more than anyone can understand and I realize I fucked up by leaving to abruptly, so I try to pull myself together as best I can and do whatever I can to get money to make ends meet, yet I apply and apply and apply and no one wants me which makes me spiral further. After a therapy session today I took my therapist’s advice and approached my 25 M spouse about what issue I’ve been most recently facing and what does that get me? Besides having to lock myself away in the bathroom while I have a panic attack to try to get away from my husbands hateful words towards me, I get nothing. I stayed silent in the bathroom while my husband yelled at me from the other side of the door about how much I fucked him over by leaving my job due to my mental health crisis and then to be left at home alone with no one to turn to for support. I have suicidal thoughts often but today as soon as he left for the first time in my life I grabbed a razor and went to town on myself. God I feel so alone and it pisses me off to tell someone how lonely and desperate I am only to be met with screams because my so called husband and life partner took my voicing my current mental health concerns as an ‘attack’ so instead of comforting his wife in need I’m left only being verbally abused and made to feel intentionally worse about the problems that he knows have been plaguing me for months. I’ve never been as close to finally wanting to call it lights out for myself as I have today. Contemplating currently wether or not he should be finding me alive tonight when he gets home. | 2 |
Life ripped from me | I'm worthless I have no skills I lived with my grandmother till I was 23 till she died doing nothing but playing video games from dusk till dawn. My grandmother passes and I go live with my uncle and his wife. It's hard at first adjusting to my new life but it eventually gets better for me i get along with my aunt more and more. We have 2 small dogs and get another puppy who is the most precious thing in my life. I get put on medication for my anxiety and depression. Me and my uncles wife start to get close physically and emotionally she is even attracted to me having wrong thoughts about me while my uncle is pushed out so one day she decides to bring her family into it for advice and they pressure them to kick me out so with no prep time I pack what I can and get shipped 3 states away to Florida with a friend. I have no life skills no phone number no car no drivers license no money no idea how the world works,my family and my precious dogs who were my only reason to live were ripped from my life for no reason that's my fault like yeah I'm 23 but I might as well be 15 still I can't go back and I can't find a job so it's only a matter of time till my friend boots me to the curb in a strange place I don't know. I've already cut my arms bad,I cant eat or sleep. I dont know how I can kill myself or if i even have the courage to do it but everyday i wake up without my dogs and family i am so much closer to attempting something I'm just so tired none of my family wants anything to do with me the only ones who did were my grandmother and uncle but once its inconvenient for him and my aunt its fuck me time like I still need medical help I'm afraid to go outside I just want to fuckinf die I don't care how but some of my friends would be a little sad but I know my family might care once I'm dead but maybe they should have listened to me | 1 |
I'm having this thoughts again | It's been a while since I felt this bad, last year I moved to another country just to change my whole life in order to escape those thoughts that were pushing me down. But from a couple of weeks ago I started to have them again, my life changed, but they're still there. I'm afraid they keep inside of me, or even worse, they increase and make my life miserable. I've been thinking about ending all this shit quickly | 1 |
It feels destined | Sometimes it feels like things in my life guide me to take my own life. That I keep going because things got better and then things happen… and now they’re bad again. Like life is telling me that it’s in my stars or something…it’s eerie and fucking depressing either way as well as exhausting | 1 |
Giving up home on getting better... | I am at a point in my life where I have given up hope. I have been in therapy for over ten years now and I am still struggling just as much in adulthood as I was as a child. I have tried many different medications, treatment programs, therapy methods, etc. and none seem to help bring me long term happiness. I have been able to see the joy of life many times, but none of them have ever lasted long enough to make me completely believe that life is worth it. I don't know how much longer I can be here. I am completely hopeless and exhausted. | 2 |
I hate how I am coward | I sometimes wonder if I'll do it all at once or be a coward for the rest of my life or if someone here will stop me yet again. I sometimes don't know anymore. I think I'm just a coward for not having enough courage to kms. I know a good plan but I'm hesitating...🤦 | 1 |
My best friend died and it's my fault. | I never had the energy to write everything that has happened to me but I'll try this time. Sorry for any grammar errors, english is not my native language.
tw for rape mentions, suicide, self harm and things like that.
So, when i was a little child i had this best friend. Her name was Sara and we did everything together, we liked to spend time playing. But one day she left the country - her parents were divorced, until then ahe lived with her father, but then she moved to UK with her mother and her stepdad. We kept talking even though we were in different continents. Years passed.
One day she told me that when she lived in my country, with her dad, she was constantly raped. I really didn't knew what to say, but i assured her that I'd stay by her side. She and her mother reported her dad and i was there when they were fighting to put in jail. But the thing is that nothing happened.
Since she was a child, she used to self harm. And i knew that even before she left the country - I was a child and didn't really knew how i could help, what ended up in me not even reacting when she had a relapse.
I think i was 11 (she already had left the country) when i started self harming too, not because of her, but it was on that age that u started feeling really depressed. I did it in school and one day some kids even saw it but i tried hiding. Continuing with Sara, we talked online. At some point, i don't know how or when, she started to get kinda... strange? She was having some bad thoughts about not only hurting herself but also hurting other people. She talked to me for hours about how she was planning to kill someone on her school - And i know, it may sound like she just wanted to look scary or something but like that, but i knew her. I knew how she was. She was so mature and i know she wasn't kidding when she said all of those things.
At some point she was even threatening to end her own life if i stopped talking to her, she was smoking, drinking, still self harming. She was 12. Only 12.
When i finally decided to stop talking to her, i thought that everything would be alright, soon she was going to start high school, she had friends, her mom was a nice woman. I blocked her and never came back.
Months passed and i had already forgotten about it. but one day my mom enters my room screaming. She was saying that Sara had died.
I wasn't able to react at first, my brain couldn't process what i was hearing and it took like three entire days for me to understand that she had passed away. On these three days i barely said anything, all the noises were muffled and the time was passing so slowly. At first, i didn't knew it was suicide, but after research on what happened, i understood that it was really suicide. Didn't took me more than five minutes to know it was my fault. She was dead and it was my fault.
Just one year later i opened up to my therapist about this thing that happened, but i really don't think it helped me much. She just said things like "oh but you were just a child" or "she was toxic" as if it made me any less of a monster. My parents and i never really talked about this. I mean, we talked about her death, but never about how i felt about all of that. But i think that even they blame me. I was her best friend and i could have helped, i could have done anything, everything, i could have helped, i could have comforted her. But i didn't. I left when she needed me the most.
Even years after her death, i still blame myself. Now I'm in high school and she's not. I really want to end my life but there's reasons that always make me have to do it later, years from now - One of them is that if living make me suffer, then I'll make myself pay for everything I've done to her. I'll stay alive being an addicted to self harm and drugs, alcoholic. I want to be so fucked up that at some point all i did to Sara will be forgiven.
That's it for now. It's not everything, but it's a slice of all that i have to say. Thanks to anyone who has read until here. Thank you. | 12 |
Im starting to hate school and myself | Im 19f and I’m about to transfer to uni next month but I’m so stressed out. I just finished two semesters at a state college and went through 4 accelerated classes. Im burnt out and I need a break. On top of that I have to worry about paying for college and a dorm, and I just found out I’ll have to take some of my hardest classes my first semester. I don’t know what to do. And now I think I may have to change my major bc I’m afraid I’ll end up with a bunch of loans and a low paying job. My mothers been screaming at me for months about college and how I’m lazy and my dads telling me I need to just push through. But I seriously don’t want to. All that doesn’t even add up to the stress of my family. This all sounds so stupid but I’m suffocating. I cant breathe and I just wanna Gts and not have to worry about money, school and parents I’m so so so tired and I hate myself for not being smarter and more driven | 1 |
am i a bad person? | i took this summer to look back at my life and try to get better, and yet the more i go through it the more i realize i am the problem for everyone around me. ive been awful and been trying to fix myself for years and nothing ever works. the only thought left is that everyone would be better off without me. ive struggled with my mental health for so long that its only made my life worse and i fear there is no coming back from what my life has become. | 6 |
How to combat/ soothe suicidal ideation? | Hey guys,
this is another desperate attempt from me to get peer support in my struggles against suicidal ideation.
For context: I have had some history with very active and concrete suicidal thoughts, starting at a young age. Got very close to ending it 4 years ago. Until some weeks ago, I’ve been
mostly free of these thinking patterns.
I don’t know how, but I’m more or less back in that hole again. Lately , I’ve felt like a burden to those I love. I am nothing, never was anything and I will never be anything of value. I’m slowly self-destructing and making my friends watch as I just can’t seem to accept any help. I’m not in therapy or anything. Because taking that step feels impossible. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting any better soon. So, just maybe… people would be better off if I just disappeared.
I wouldn’t describe myself as actively suicidal yet. And I need to keep it that way… last nights have been completely overwhelming and I had to invest all my energy into fighting my thoughts,
Maybe this is a dumb request but can anybody recommend a way or an activity/ ritual that has helped them at least temporarily soothe their suicide thoughts?
Thank you so much already | 2 |
Kill1ng myself to escape this abusive home? |
I spent the past month observing their sleep schedule.
6 hours.
6 hours of alone time is all I have.
What method of su1cide can I use to make sure I di3 in under 6 hours? , I don't care if it's painful.
I don't care if I end up regretting the excruciating pain, My only goal is to d1e.
I can't escape them, And I don't think I will ever be able to.
Living is painful, I just want some peace. | 3 |
I’d give so much to do it without it affecting my family | I’ve wanted to commit suicide for several years now. Attempted about 7 years ago.
At the time I was glad I had received help, but now I wish I hadn’t. Now that I’ve survived it, I saw how it affected the people around me first hand.
I just want to do it and not care. I don’t want them to care. I want business to go on as usual. I want to erase myself from this existence, Ive never felt like I was meant to be here in the first place.
My food aversions make it impossible to eat vegetables, I’m a girl who grows a beard, can’t keep my weight down without starving myself, a brain injury has made the things I enjoy like working out and going to amusement parks painful and terrible, my autism makes every social interaction with someone I don’t know feel like a dreaded chore, my lack of ambition is so bad I can’t even conceptualize what would make me happy, I am physically incapable of making friends, let alone keeping them.
I know it’s a short list, but dealing with it everyday day in and day out. I feel like a terrible burden to the people around me, especially my boyfriend who has to deal with my and my mix of emotions. I know how I would do it, I know how to do it painlessly, exactly how I want it, and I can’t. It’s like being stuck in a locked room, knowing the key is hanging on the other side of the wall and not being able to reach it. Some days I don’t think about it, but days like these past few are just cruel reminders that I have to stay on earth and lead a miserable life for everyone else’s sake. It drives me insane. | 1 |
I’m tired | I’m stuck in the perpetual loop of my head. I can’t find a better living situation. I want to move by the beginning of the month but it seems imposssnle. I’ve been looking for five months. I feel like my brain is eating itself, like my stomach is eating itself. I’m on the verge of psychosis. My bones are shaking inside of me, even sleeping isn’t restful. I don’t want to be alone. I’m alone all the time. I’m angry and irritable and I’m losing all my hope. People wonder why I use negative coping skills and it’s because I have to relive my traumas every day where I’m living. It’s killing me. I’m eating myself. It hurts. My stomach hurts. I’m sorry this sounds sad | 1 |
I have a perfectly good life but can't stop thinking about suicide what is wrong with me. | im 17 f and have a good life, I have 3 or so friends who are really good to me,i work out every week and often go out + no health issues etc but despite this I cannot stop thinking about suicide,its on my mind like 90% of the time, previously I've been really fucked up and had other issues ontop of depression like not eating sleeping and generally losing control of everything but even now (abt 1 year on from this) when I've changed everything and gotten a so called healthy lifestyle my thoughts haven't changed but im just better at hiding how I actually feel. (for context I've already tried committing 3 times and have SH'd since I was around 12) I genuinely don't know what to do, every time I feel ok I just revert back to hating myself and wanting to die,ive felt like this since I was 8 and so many people have gone through a lot worse than me so why do feel like this for no reason. | 3 |
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