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Is a dimly or brightly lit room better for mental health?
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Is there any scientific evidence for which is better? I am home most of the time because I am disabled and part of my disabilities is my anxiety so I want whatever lighting is shown to be the best for mental health to be the kind of lighting I have in my bedroom (which is the room I'm in everyday all day).
| 2 |
Any ideas on some things you can do to be kind to yourself?
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My therapist wants me to do three things a day to show myself kindness but I can't think of anything. Money is an issue so its not like i can buy myself something nice, I'm on a super strict diet so i can't have any little treats. I just don't know what other things would be?
| 1 |
Need help finding support
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This is harder than I thought but I know its what's best.
I'll try and keep it short as I'm already pretty ashamed to be posting this.
I've been back and forth with my psych over this for a bit and he thinks it's what I need right now pending other appointments and support routes.
So long story short.. I'm 25F in the Australia/NZ area. Battled with some nasty trauma and been diagnosed as Bipolar and with PTSD. My support circle is little to non existing.. and with that comes my request for a bit of support from people (maybe day to day.. or some semi regular check-ins) just to help me process and heal the best I can. I feel like I'm at a bit of a dead end with no hope or end in sight
Thank you if you take the time to read this.
| 2 |
my mum hates me.
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this sounds rlly childish and immature but i’m 16, and my mum literally avoids speaking to me , for example today i went into the living room and made small convo, she told me to go away and to leave her alone cuz i’m so annoying and just give her a headache all the time, she also mentioned she wishes i would never speak to her again. I really love my mum, i get up early just so i can sit with her longer but she’s not even bothered by my company, in-fact she hates it. Even when i don’t speak she tells me to leave her alone ,but she’ll speak to my brothers, i don’t understand what’s wrong with me.
| 5 |
I just need someone to tell me they love me.
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I haven't heard it in so long. No kind of "I love you" "I care about you" "how are you feeling" no hugs, no warm smiles, nothing. It just feels so lonely. I don't even care if it's fake. I just need someone to tell me to my face they love or care about me. Or someone to hug me or ask about my day. Or just listen to me instead of interrupting me/continue talking to someone else instead like I mean nothing. It truly makes me believe that I AM nothing. I don't remember the last time I've heard someone say something like that, or just have any genuine interaction with me. Do you know how fucking lonely I feel all the time? I can't stand it anymore. My best friends stopped talking to me, my pet who kept me busy is gone, my family doesn't interact with each other, never were close, and I have nothing left. I'm just waiting for the next day to come. If someone just smiled at me genuinely, I think it would make me cry. I can't do this anymore. It's insane how much I want someone to do something so simple. And it's insane how something so simple is so important to me.
| 5 |
Closest friends all just recently had kids and I know this probably means we’re not going to see each other anymore
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So my closest friends, all who stood at my wedding, all have kids now. The last one’s wife just had their daughter. My wife and I never wanted kids, nor do we want them now. And now I feel like within a few months everything has changed and it sucks. I’m happy for them, because they wanted kids, but now everything is entirely different with us.
Our group chats have turned into nothing but them talking about kids. That’s their entire identity now. I feel like I’ve just lost my 3 closest friends and it’s making me incredibly depressed.
Am I wrong to think this way?
| 0 |
Are these intrusive thoughts?
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Let's say someone has thoughts about "bad" things (e.g. murder) very often, likes having them and doesn't feel guilty because of it, but still wouldn't do anything like that because of the law... are they intrusive thoughts or just thoughts? And could they get sent to some mental institution because of thoughts like these? (I hope I worded this post well enough)
| 1 |
I'm not totally sure how to keep going.
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Its been quite a long time since I've felt the need to do this but I've got no better outlet at this time. I've been struggling on and off for so long now but it feels like I'm climbing a hill that keeps getting taller. I've delt with so much pain in the past and I've grown as a result but it all just keeps getting harder and harder and I can't help but feel that its all going to collapse sooner or later.
I wasted my first year of university doing basically nothing and only got a 2,1 despite how hard I worked. I made one friend and that's only because he lived in my flat and was on my course. That's it. I didn't go to any events or really join any societies, I was sad and angry almost the entire time I was there. If this carries on, I won't get the first I need (luckily the first year doesn't count towards my final grade) and my field is too saturated for me to go anywhere without one. Uni is honestly my idea of hell, its essentially just expectations, both social and academic, non-stop. Seeing other people looking fullfilled and happy only made things worse because I felt like it was all just my fault. I should add here I don't think that life should be easy and I also don't believe that this is anyone's fault but mine, and I'll innevitably keep going but eventually I won't be able to anymore. All I can see for myself in the 2nd year is failure, angry proffessors explaining why I'm terrible, loneliness and disappointment. I will try to make things better but it won't ever be enough, espcially when I don't get a tutor like everyone else and because this year will count for 25%.
I've also had some serious health anxiety over the past year, being so scared I'm going to die out of the blue for no reason and lose everything, which I appreciate means I think deep down I have things to live for and I do, I know that I just know I've got to put in way more than I think I can to achieve any of it. This anxiety wasn't made better by the looming impacts of climate change and the non-negligible threat of an actual nuclear war in the near future, which I think is understandable.
On top of University, I've been learning to drive for 2 years now, failed my first test last summer and I'm trying again now but realistically I won't pass and that'll be even more of my parents money wasted on there useless child who's will to live is deteriorating. Driving is just another thing I'm simply terrible at, like most things people my age are proud of/enjoy doing. I'm awful at everything that's considered fun or impressive and I despise myself for it. I was born a complete loser and a waste of space and I'll probably die that way too. Even my (very lovely) gf makes fun of me for stuff like being slow doing things or not being good at stuff. She'd be better off with someone else anyway. I'll likely lose her after 2 years together in the autumn when she's goes off to medschool, but that's good for her so I can only think its right, in all honesty. I don't want it to happen I just know it will, I'm not a good enough boyfriend to make it work out properly.
In the time I have left with her, I can't even do nice things with/for her because my job only just covers the rent for my house for next year, so I can't spend any money for a long time unless I do a lot of overtime, which it looks like I'll have to. I work 3 days a week, starting at 4am and finishing at 8am at my local supermarket. Its not a bad job but it means I can't do a lot of things with my friends in the evening because I need to go to bed early, which isn't helping my emotions much. I also won't be able to afford any kind of therapy to process any of this due to afformentioned low income (the hourly rate is good but its not enough hours atm). This summer has been too much already for me, which really shows how useless I am when it comes to dealing with change or new things. I haven't done enough studying so far either, which I really need to do so I can get closer to being on the same level as my peers who all seem much more capable than me and I just feel like after all my work over my entire life, and everything I've done, I still can't even call myself good at anything. I just don't know some stuff, and I apparently really need to, but its so hard when there's so much and I don't know where to start.
I've been hitting myself a lot recently, usually when I'm playing video games, which I appreciate is a stupid and childish behaviour but its all I can do to let out the pain I feel when I make stupid mistakes or fail. It gets worse when my friends talk about how much fun they're having in this game or that game and I just look at myself and see nothing worth even mentioning. I'm just not like other people. I've always struggled with having friends and knowing how to keep them and talk to them properly. Everyone looks at me like I'm stupid or I don't understand anything about normal life, and I just don't notice subtext most of the time. Its so hard for me to know how to be sometimes, I just feel alone, y'know.
I owe far too much to too many people and I've got nothing I can give them back, or will be able to give them back for a very long time. A lot of what I've been given isn't things I strictly needed or asked for, in some cases I've directly asked not to be given things or help but here we are and now I've got this weight over me of everything I can't give back but need to. I do like to think I don't take much for granted in life, and I'm very grateful for most of what I have, but that just makes it hurt more when I realise how little I've done with it compared to a lot of people I know who are living life much more than I am. I've always found it hard to take opportunities when I have them because I'll assume I'll just fail anyway and then that'll be more pain and difficulty for me. I've been told by a lot of people that this is a bad outlook, but what's the alternative? Constant disappointment and failure? And that just doesn't seem worth it to me.
Ultimately, the worst parts of me are just staying the same and I'm suffering more and more for it as time goes on. I'm going to lose a great deal more and its a question of how much more I can fail and get angry and hurt myself physically and emotionally before I start properly wanting it all to just stop and that's when I think I'll do something wrong.
I'm sorry.
| 1 |
How do you deal with your own anxiety?
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Hey guys, i have social anxiety. Its usually not that bad, sometimes i can handle it well. It always depends on days. Some days i feel confident and some days i feel anxious all the time i dont know why.
But today i tried to face my fear. Today i knew i felt anxious so i forced myself to go out to a cafe. But sometimes i dont know what to do against it when im feeling nervous and anxious. I ordered a drink and while i order i felt very nervous. Sweaty hands, watery eyes, and when im feeling nervous i keep looking around.
I just wonder what do you guys do, or how did you guys manage your anxiety?
It really ruins my life and it holding me back from doing things i like. I want to work at a cafe but right now i dont think im ready yet.
| 1 |
Looking For Info About Your Experiences (Meds)
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Okay so I'm starting medication today for my depression and anxiety for the first time ever.
The woman I spoke to gave me a run down on some possible symptoms but I'd also like to know what other people have gone through with it-
I know everyone is different but this is huge and I'm doing this basically alone. For reference, I'm 18F and have had mental health problems for years now but I only got help now because I could do it myself.
If anyone else is willing to share their experience with Lx/other antidepressants, I'd really appreciate the other takes. It's 6am (I stayed up all night again) and I've been excited but also nervous so points of view from other humans would be really awesome.
| 1 |
The state of my life
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It could be my fatigue speaking but i do feel particularly embittered these days...
So this'll be a long and i guess rambling post, signifying nothing. You're warned.
As always things never go my way, and its starting to wear me down...
I am an almost 33 years old italian guy who suffers from Ocd and Social anxiety by too much time to count (and i guess i'm still a bit depressed too, even if in a not too heavy form now ).
Since a couple of months ago with my therapist we decided to suspend my 9 years long therapy, since we both thought i made significant progress in terms of indipendence (finally started almost living on my own in another city and being more separated from my parents) and self-management in general. I happily accepted the proposition cause i thought it was in some ways one of the only real achievements i got in my whole life...
Btw things were never truly good before and neither after...
I'm trying my best but things never go my way, especially in my deepesr need: finding a girlfriend.
In April of this year i started using dating apps, since having no social life or the means to create one i had no other way to interact with girls...
The resulta have been mostly catastrophic as predictable... i cannot forget the first meeting i got with a girl, a foreign one, that gave me an appointment (not caring about the weather conditions, so we found ourselves under the rain), then after like 30 minutes, when we were moving to a certain location to truly begin our date, she gets a call from her sister who lived in her native country and says she has to immediately return home to talk to her... given that after that day she started saying that she was too busy with college in that period to meet again (he usual thing girls say when they don't wanna see you again) i concluded that that call must've been fake too...
Btw that first failure got me so frustrated that convinced me to lose my virginity with a prostitute.
That made me feel better and less bitter towards girls for some days, given that the woman was very kind with me and the event made me feel a little better about myself, but it obbiously didn't last too long... Soon the frustration for the difficulty in finding a girl i could actually interact with and have a satisfying contact grew again, and convinced me to try with new prostitutes again... and that made things even worse since i discovered that not all prostitutes are kind and patient, but most of them are ass*oles who don't care a bit about their clients and aren't shy of showing irritability and to ridicule you if you are clumsy and inexperienced with sex...
Since then i only had another good encounter but i don't think i'll ever return to do it, since in the best case scenario i'd only be treated like a little kid to be cuddled and have pity of, without ever learning something useful that would make me more confident about sex...
Btw in these months the results of my notable time and energies spent on chatting and trying to meet girls on dating apps have been: 90%
ghostings (really, its maddeming that i almost got used to it... talk about male privilege...), 5% of possible interesting girls with whom i'm still trying to meet after weeks from the first contact, 4% of humiliating encounters with girls who revealed themselves to be way more ugly (and dumb) than in online interactions, one of wich even had the balls of saying to my face first thing she spoke that "she was shocked at how young i looked and we couldn't go out togheter cause people there knew her there"... and 1% (meaning one) interesting encounters with an impressive woman who clearly isn't interested in having a relationship with me... but at least i found a woman i was truly interested in in all my life i guess...
I'm pretty tired of having to pity for girls' attentions, to pray to have two or three answers to my messages per day, hoping that i'd manage to build a real contact with them with the limited time they give me and meet them irl before they inevitably ghost me... This is the most i deserve i guess.
Thinking that all my life i couldn't get anything good for myself, and the only glimpses i had of the satisfaction that normal people experience effortlessly every day i got by paying 50 or 100 euros for half an hour, i really ponder what i did wrong to be punished with such a terrible existence...
I'try so hard in every field and yet nothing truly positive ever comes out from my efforts... my moving out of my parents home made me feel more independent but still didn't give me a social life... the only friends i have i met online, and we meet only a couple of times a year, but in these days i'm feeling to start caring for them less and less, since i am starting to feel that maybe they don't really care about me as much as i thought...
I started doing a voluntarly internship (i'm a psychologist), but even if i found a good environment in the hospital ward i'm working in and its useful to feel like i'm doing something useful and it helps me not feeling depressed being at home doing nothing, i still don't get any true satisfaction out of it, and i only try not to be scolded bt my tutor for messing things (it happened the other week and obviously it humiliated me to no end). In general i don't know i'll ever be able to work in this field, given that i still couldn't find any true motivation or satisfaction in it... hope starting a specialization the next year will help... i would like to work with children butbin all these years i could study them only in theory, and i'm stuck with dealing with bratty teenagers that annoy me to no end...
I even got the confirmation that no matter how much i struggle, i simply cannot interact with people... even if i put a lot of efforts into it i simply cannot go over the surface level with people, mostly because i cannot talk about myself not to embarass me, i say something wrong or that its interpreted in a wrong way or i cannot avoid signalling how weird or different i am to them...
Even with my ocd, i made some progress over the years but i still cannot overcome the bulk of it and probably never will... the fact that i gain almost none satisfaction in getting a little better in mybfight against it obviously doesn't help either...
Recently i started doing some "avoidances" just cause i couldn't stand the idiocy of that circus anymore, i hope it will help...
Its like if i do domething wrong i give myself hell, if i do good nothing has truly happened. Thats how my parents raised me i guess...
I tried to increase my self esteem by reading some book on the issue, like "the six pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Branden, wich i liked a lot and i suggest to anyone, but while i got very enthisiastic in the immediate moments after i read it after a while it became clear that like many things i understood in therapy the notions i got only remained on the surface, on the rational level, and could never change my most deep, inner self, that i fear will continue to despise me for all eternity... even if i don't totally hate me since i wouldn't try so hard to make myself happier if that was the case and i would've surrender to my suicidal toughts long ago, i still fear i will never truly like or respect myself...
My family i can't even stand anymore in this period... they are good people and always tried to do the best for me but i don't feel i can even talk to them anymore... my father only says idiotic jokes, while my mom keeps bugging me, trying to butt in my affairs costantly and keeps demeanimg me and treating me like a child... the sad thing is that she doesn't even do it consciously, so its pointless trying to argue or getting mad at her... more and more i wish to have a reason not to return home during weekends.... The only one i truly like is my little nephew, but he'll surely start despicing me too when he'll become a middle schooler and such... his parents i don't even consider, since i never existed for my brother and so the same appliea to his wife... its funny, i made an experiment the other day, i tried not to greet hik when i saw him after my return from Rome and he didn't greet me too. A total ghost lol.
What even is the purpose of struggling in such a meaningless existence? The saddest thing i think is that even if i'm pushing myself so hard the results are more or less the same of when i was totally passive when the bulk of my ocd symptoms started 11 years ago or when i just isolated myself instead of trying to fight my social anxiety growing up: absolutely nothing. Talk about Sysiphus' folly...
If i don't deserve to know how it feels to love and be loved by someone, if i don't deserve to know how it feels to have a social life or have friends i can meet whenever i want, if i cannot know how it feels to feel gratified or satisfied by anything, why am i even alive or i was born for? Sometimes i think an accident or something like that would more easily solve this mess for me...
Btw, sorry if i irritated or annoyed you (i know that americans and the like are very emotional and aggressive towards male who lament their sentimental deprivation), the nonsense has ended.
| 1 |
Self conscious
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I'm always paranoid about what other people think about me. Take everything so personally and overthink a lot about my social interactions end of everyday. Always blaming myself why I was so awkward. Worry about my look.
Ive got beautiful wife and kids. We run a business. I work out and train boxing 5 times a week. Everything going nice except my paranoia.
Could you give me some suggestions about how I completely stop thinking about those stuff forever.
| 2 |
I (M26) need help, my sister (F28) is going crazy and i don t know what to do
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just to put in context...i moved from my mother country, Tunisia, and away from my family 7 months ago. me and my wife had a child and we decided to live together in her city in Germany.
so i left my sister alone with the parents, and even though she tries to show me that everything is fine, i know that me having a family and leaving the country touches her a lot. through out my stay here i made sure to call them everyday and to get news, knowing that they go through hard times because my mother lost her job.
Today i called like everyday, and sudenly i feel like my mother hides something from me and runs everywhere in the house, i could see my sister walking behind her and talking random things, i asked what happens my mother started to cry straight away and my sister started to talk me. she says randon things, she thinks that i am in tunisia and keeps repeating that we have to see each other the next day in RafRaf, a village where we used to go a lot when we were kids with the parents in summer.
she keeps repeating it, with so much honnesty and tells me that she wants to dance there while our father plays music. she had been through hard times with her studies and everything in life, she was depressed.
please help, tell me what is it, what we should do, i don t trust psychological establishements in tunisia, a friend of mine got worse after going through them.
| 1 |
medication resistance for insomnia
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I have cycled through tens of medications in the past 3 years
prozac,trazadone,Seroquel,melatonin,ambien,doxepin,lexapro,lamotrigine,guanfacine,abilify
the whole nine yards,i have already found the medication that effectively helps my moods but half of my medications have been for sleep,ambien was the ONLY thing that ever put me to sleep but my insurance never covered it because i am a minor and the price just kept going up and up it got to $175 dollars at one point but i dont know what to do,i am trying to schedule a sleep study but theyre months out so what do i do in the meantime ,i feel like i’ve exhausted all options, even the facebook mom approach of reading a book and shit like that,i just hate that i have no energy and theres nothing i can do about it,its progressively getting worse,i went from having trouble staying asleep to now not being able to sleep until my body is literally beginning to lose function,my body will be EXHAUSTED but my brain just goes and goes i wanna rip my hair out
| 3 |
Some of my habits in high school might have contributed to my ocd/intrusive thoughts
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What I’m about to tell you some parts of this is really not a sob story because I’m sure you have heard this from different people plenty of times. See my middle school and high school are on the same piece of land so between middle school and high school and middle I was going to school with mostly the same group of people for a really long time and I’ll start with middle school in middle school I was made fun for my looks they picked on me about how big my lips are how big my forehead was how big my teeth were and where my hairline had stopped on my head. I would always wear cornrows that exposed the length of my forehead back in middle school . And I could never get a girl to like me there was this one girl who I thought did but she was just playing with my emotions and pretending. And this one time back in middle school we were riding the bus home and a group of kids were sitting behind me and girl said that she knows this girl that would like to talk to me and me being the stupid gullible guy I was and in an excited high pitched voice I said “really!?” With a big smile and then the girl said never mind I was just joking and then everyone started laughing at me Now high school . See when I got to high school not much had changed except for my hair I forgot to mention that the bullying had got so bad that they made me hate my hair that I had and so I ended up cutting it . So back to high school when I got there not much had changed I was still getting picked on about my looks especially when I was wearing a new hairstyle in high school I was rocking a low cut but I had cowlicks on each temple of head and people in my grade would tease me about it. In high school everyone had their boyfriends and girlfriends and crushes that they talked to and formed relationships with but not me i was lonely started to hate myself ya know. Later on In high school in my 10th and 11th grade year I took it upon myself to start talking to the younger girls that was a grade or two lower than me and during my 10th and 11th grade year more so my 11th grade year my looks started to change I began to grow facial hair and so I began to talk to younger girls and I actually became successful and in no way shape or form was I manipulating these girls there was some genuine attraction and the crazy part about this is that later on I actually did ended up hitting it off with someone in my grade during high school so I thought see she had claimed she liked me until she showed me her true colors she had ended up cheating on me in one of the worst ways possible my little cousin who was a freshman at that time came up to my table that day at lunch and told me that my so called girlfriend was getting fucked by some other girl inside the trailers that was next to the main school building and after that immediately broke up with her , so after a few weeks of sadness i started back talking to the younger girls and what’s funny while I was doing that some of the people in my grade who were also some of the people that would pick on me about my looks we’re laughing at me and judging me for liking the younger girls and I responded by saying “you guys don’t even find me attractive so why do you even care ? “ but anyways I now look back at high school as a 21 year old guy and a part of me feels guilty and bad because I talked to the younger girls and as a result of me doing that I have developed these unwanted thoughts , feelings and attractions. Please don’t take this the wrong way I’m definitely attracted to people my age and I’m also attracted to people older than me but I’m 21 years old and I still find 16 to 18 year old girls attractive but I don’t like it at all because I know it’s creepy I feel like I was creating bad habits by talking and starting relationships with those younger girls in high school i just wanted to experience what everyone else was experiencing and now I feel bad I feel like a real creep ya know but what are y’all’s opinions?
| 1 |
Feeling as lonely as ever
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I am so lonely, I feel like I have no friends and no one who cares about me, I just try to keep being nice but nothing seems to work, I feel like I don’t deserve any love because I am just a fucking load on everyone’s back, I truly am trying my best but I don’t know why nobody loves me or even cares about me
| 2 |
I kinda hurt myself
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So I’ve been going through a tough time which has led me to suicidal thoughts I’m too much a chicken to do that btw. But anyway it’s like 2:30 and I’m like hey let’s hurt ourselves. So I went over to the knives in our house (I’m 13) and I start using these not even sharp knives so then I use regular knives and I don’t do to much damage until I start bleeding. I was too scared to go hard and I didn’t even to make myself bleed and now I’m worrying what if someone sees it and questions me. I’m really scared and I’m also wondering that if I’m doing this for attention I don’t think I am tho.
| 2 |
I think I'm in love with my DM and I don't know what to do
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So for context I got out of a really bad domestically abusive relationship roughly 1yr and a half ago, and had been with this dnd group for maybe 3 months 4 months?
When I kicked him out of my house, and I liked the DM back then too while I was still with the abusive person but I didn't pay attention to it, I set out some feelers about 3 weeks maybe a month after the breakup to see if the DM would be down for a relationship.
He told me that he wouldn't date anyone in the dnd group in case something went wrong because he values the dnd group highly, I saw that as him setting a boundary so I backed off and tried to let go of those feelings but they've always been there just alot more subtly and I started believing I just liked him as a person but..
After meeting with him 1 on 1 recently I started thinking that I might actually be inlove with him, I have had difficulty recognising love unless I'm 1 on 1 with the person since I was young but since I've been meeting up with him it feels like love..
And I came to the realisation that I've just been suppressing these feelings for a little over a year now, and the more I meet up with him 1 on 1 the more I realise I love him.. alot.. and in a different way than I've ever loved anyone before.. well aside from my ex girlfriend anyway.. it, it isn't fading at all if anything, the more I see him the more I wanna be near him.
The more I wanna spend time with him, hear him laugh, see him, see him smile haha I even think he's cute when he's upset and/or frustrated but when he is upset I always want to do anything I can to make things easier for him, to help him be happy again.
I love his banter and the back and forth we have, I feel like we get along really well and we have really good chemistry, but I don't know how he feels.. and I don't know if I should tell him all this.
I think I still need some time to grow out of the bad triggers I have from my past relationship and to heal more, but I spent 6 months doing nothing but dnd and healing and after doing that I've reached a point where I can be happy again and I want to love again.. but I'm also scared.
If I tell him, even if I say I won't try to pursue him due to the boundary, is that crossing it anyway? And what if he completely rejects me? It's been so long since I've felt this way, will I break again? Will I be okay if he doesn't want me?
But worse will I be okay if he gets a girlfriend without ever knowing my feelings, I'm really scared of that.. cause if I don't tell him and he gets with someone else, I'll feel like I never gave it a chance and I feel I'd regret that alot..
I'm seeing him tomorrow morning, it will be the last time I see him 1 on 1 for I don't know how long.. should I tell him? Or should I push these feelings down again.. I didn't even realise because of how dense I can be to my own feelings, that I felt this way.. what if I push them down and another year later I realise I still love him?
Last time I put out feelers he distanced himself from me, though I understand why now (due to the boundary). If I tell him, even if I say I won't pursue him due to it and he doesn't want to be with me, will it ruin the friendship we've built? Will he distance himself from me? Will I be able to handle that?
I'm sad and scared and I don't know what to do, if you have any experience with situations like this please help me decide in the comments, do I tell him or not tell him?
| 0 |
Existential Problem
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Hi. I am 23 years old (m). I'm a legal assistant in a law firm. At first, I really love my job. But then, I started feeling frustrated because of the treatment that I get from my boss. There are times that I am super anxious and pressured. Sometimes, during at work,I feel this certain disappointment inside me. I am actually surprised because I never thought I would feel this emptiness. I'm a good student in college. I have good friends. But I began questioning things around me. I started looking things differently and it makes me disappointed with everything in my life. I don't how could I get-out from this feeling.
| 1 |
TW!! i tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago in front of my mom as a genuine cry for help and i just got into a bunch of trouble, got called mean names, and was left to bleed and cry on the floor of the kitchen. i'm doing a little better now but im still struggling
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just venting
| 4 |
Came into work in a good mood and then for absolutely no reason found myself nearly crying
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Is there such a thing as having too much of a positive swing in your brain that it makes negatives come crashing out once it's faded? I can't explain why I've just near enough had a breakdown.
| 1 |
Confused about boundaries
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I'm trying to set some boundaries with my mother. For example, I want her to stop cleaning my house (currently, there is a reason why she has a key), stop criticizing my partner, stop tracking me (she wants me to call/write her every day when I come back home, otherwise she is worried about my safety).
However, she does not accept the idea of healthy boundaries. She says I'm trying to change her and do not accept her as she is, says I'm trying to teach her how to live her life.
This is where I get confused. She is right, isn't she? I do want her to behave differently towards me, so I do want her to change. In some sense, that means I don't respect HER boundaries? I get so confused and stressed.
Logically, I understand that the reason I'm so weird, emotional and stuck around the concept of my own boundaries is the way I was raised by my mother.
Are there some practical tips to feel more secure and stable while setting boundaries? I need to feel I'm doing the right thing for myself.
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How do you cope with never feeling like your enough?
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I can’t help but feel like I’m never enough for those around me, especially when it comes to friendships. I put a lot of energy into maintaining friendships but it feels like that is not reciprocated towards me. I don’t like to make my problems other people’s but I just need some advice on how to improve my self worth so I’m not a rain cloud all the time.
| 2 |
Mom mental illness
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My mom has developed some sort of mental illness since 2019 I believe it’s psychosis or schizophrenia as she’s having hallucinations and delusions but the lady won’t go to doctor to get diagnosed …she don’t believe anything is wrong with her.
Her illness is that she is heavily into the tarot spiritual world and does tarot on YouTube. But believe everyone against her family even her own father and me her own daughter. She believes we’re plotting to kill her. She believe her deceased mom is talking to her and her ancestors. Idk if it’s weed she smoking that making her develop stories in her head or what.
Couple of weeks ago she had punched me in the face and couple weeks after she threw food/drink at me. I had called the police and then the mobile mental health team came ( NYC-Brooklyn) they took her to hospital and she came back home even more hate towards me and her father.
Currently right now she’s home with us but doesn’t want to talk to me or her dad. And she locked her door think we gonna kill her. My thing is that how can you help someone who doesn’t want help? I know she has this illness but how much can one pets take. Plus her dad has blood pressure issues and too much stress on him. Plus I’m dealing with my own MH I have anxiety, stutter problems, and unemployed.
| 2 |
I hate being alive.
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I hate being alive. My partner just broke up with me after writing me poems and saying how mich he loved me. It wasn't because he didn't love me, he said it's to work in himself but I just... It still hurts. I was really having a good day today as well, I went to the beach. On the ride home though he texted me it so the rest of the ride was bad. This is also my 2nd break up in a span of a few months. I broke up with my ex not too long ago before getting with him... I guess it's pretty stupid but I didn't it because I loved him and because I thought we'd last for MORE THAN A MONTH. I even hung out with his friendgroup but had to leave it because I'm just so tired and fucking embarrassed. I can't just pretend like this is nothing. I already was holding onto threads. I've been very depressed and even s*icidal recently and now this. I don't blame him entirely, he's so sweet and still loves me (at least he says) but I wish he just thought about working in himself before going into a relationship with me especially after all I already went through. I feel so betrayed and alone. No one is here to talk to me daily anymore... I guess that's my fault but it still sucks. I don't think I'm ever going to truly believe that someone who tells me they love me ever again especially after this. I know this might be a life lesson but I'm tired and whats the point if I could end up dead anyways. I just wanted the person I loved to be with me.... I already had so many fucking things to be sad about and this just adds in to the plate. I am sick and TIRED of being alive right now. I want help and can't get it. No one can help me anymore but myself and I don't think I'm strong enough.
| 2 |
Why does Tylenol help me sleep?
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Everytime I take two Tylonel I'm out like a light. Without it it takes me hours to fall asleep most nights.
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My little sister (9) isn’t reacting to her grandmother’s death. Is she alright?
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My little sister’s grandmother (my step grandmother) unexpectedly passed away on the 5th, yet she hasn’t shown any emotions to this information. She wasn’t incredibly close to her, yet she did see her about everyday after school and played games with her for hours at a time.
Today we went to her visitation, and my little sister didn’t cry or seem upset. She actually got irritated at the service, kept asking to go home, and got frustrated with us when we told her no. After we got home, she laid back with her video games and relaxed, like nothing was wrong. Whenever we have serious talks about her grandmother, she seems super insensitive and has a lack of respect, simply barging in and talking over us with any topic currently on her mind. If we ignore her to continue our serious conversation, she’ll either yell at us or stomp off angry that we’re not acknowledging her.
Is something wrong with her? I understand kids don’t fully conceptualize death, yet this seems baffling to me. She seems to have zero empathy or respect towards the situation, which is a little concerning.
| 2 |
Diagnosis fear
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So, for months now I've been struggling to get into therapy, see a psyche, etc. and I finally did it! I got accepted into this financial aid mental health program and my quality of life is slowly improving. Tomorrow, I have my first ever consult and I'm absolutely terrified.
For context, my problems lie within everything feeling surreal, and the dudes from the mandela catalog are always "following" me. It's obviously not real, but I'll still scared shitless every day, every hour, every minute, of my life. My biggest fear is getting sent off to a ward because if this. It's so strong I don't even want to be honest during my consult. Does anyone also suffer from this? How did a consult go for you?
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I feel worse with my homophobia
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Yeah. It's not the first time, your homophobic fella is here. From the moment I refused therapy, it only got worse for me. At the time I wrote the first post here, I was free from self-harm for six months. Just yesterday, these six months were interrupted. I was looking for answers to my hatred in Google again, and nowhere did I find ways to treat people like me. Everyone was saying to avoid people like me again. That is, they gave only a solution for the other side, for the victim. I still think that the idea of forcibly changing yourself is really stupid. But still, how can I cure my hatred? I don't want to live hating myself anymore. I do not know what needs to be done for this. After looking at the prices of therapy again, I realized that I could not afford more than three or four sessions. I think even if I sign up, there will be no result in those sessions for which I have enough money. I wrote to some community helping LGBT people, but I was insulted there and told to go to a mental hospital for treatment. If they knew that in my country they would be treated not by measure, but on the contrary by them.
What should I do now? Should I just continue to hurt myself so that I would stop treating people badly? maybe this will help?
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Did my moms yelling really effect me or am i just whining?
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Im a teen, and my mom would yell at me when i was younger (she stopped and has changed sense then (i was around 8/9 when she stopped)) because she was always exhausted, and her depression caused anger more than sadness. I want to know if it really damaged me or if i’m doing something wrong. I can’t remember much because i dissociate, but i’ll list a few times it happened:
(side note she doesn’t yell because she is mad at me (for the majority) she yells because she is exhausted and i would spend my time in the living room, waiting for my parents to come home)
1. I was about 6 or 7(1st/second grade), we had a mildly grumpy cat Penelope, who would scratch, and loved climbing. I was waiting for my mom and dad to come home from work to tuck me into bed, so it was about 7-8 PM. My mom comes home pissed, walking into the kitchen and putting her work things down in a huff, beginning to do the dishes. I stand about 5 feet back silent as she does, so i can wait for her to calm down for bedtime. She begins to raise her voice, found from muttering to yelling. I think my dad is upstairs, my older sister (8-ish years older) is sitting in a chair in the living room close by, looking at the TV or her phone. My mom finishes the dishes and spots penelope on the table. she picks her up and plops her on the floor, upset that she was on the table. I am standing somewhat behind the table. This happens a second time, with penelope getting more chased off of the table than taken off of it. She hops up a third time. My mom begins to yell about the damn cat getting its dirty paws on our dinner table. In a fit of rage she picked her up and whipped her off of the table, throwing her across the table towards the living room, where i was standing. she didn’t see me because she was too annoyed at the trash being full, the sink full of dirty dishes, and the cat on the table. Penelope flies towards me, and uses her instincts to try and slow herself down, so she grabs onto the nearest object in her path. my stomach. I begin to cry, my mom apologizes and bandages me up, and that’s that.
2. Im sitting on our couch, watching cartoon network, again waiting for mom to come home. She comes home to see the living room messy, the dishes dirty, and the trash full. She isn’t only ticked off because of that, i also know that the people at her job treat her like shit, so she is tired. she is always tired. She begins to yell at me, how she shouldn’t have to come home from a long days work to have to clean up all of our messes, and that she doesn’t ask much from us. accept her message wasnt for me. i was in 1st grade. i couldn’t take care of the house. but i was the one she saw first, while everyone else what in their rooms. She would swear a bit, but not much. Then she would calm down a bit and head for bed. And i would have her tuck me in like nothing happened.
3. I was even younger in this one, maybe five. Mom was upset because of work, like always, made me and my older sibling (only a four year age gap this time) ramen noodles, and sent us up to play in our room. As we were playing i coughed up some noodles onto the carpet, so we called our mom up to help. She gave we the vacuum (which i was too small to use so she had to do it for me anyways) and began to yell. It was all about how it’s going to be so hard to clean out of the carpet, and she was tired, and it’s going to be so hard to clean, ect. This goes on until it is cleaned up and she leaves our room.
i would like to point out, she never meant to hurt me into the first one if it wasn’t clear, and didn’t now that her yelling effected me. Part of the reason i think that her yelling created deeper wounds is because whenever she gets even slightly mad, i panic, like im about to die or something, even though everything is fine.
Also im not mad at my mom, she had kind of a shitty childhood, so she did her best.
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Tried texting 988 but I chickened out after two messages from the counselor.
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It's currently 2am and I'm trying to prevent my depression from escalating.
Last week around this time, I had a hard time keeping the bad thoughts at bay. During that time, I had to fight my inner self and thankfully due to crying a lot, I fell asleep.
I talked to my therapist about what happened and had told me to reach 988 if ever it happens again. Since my therapist will be away until next week, I had to talk to someone about what I'm thinking to keep my bad thoughts away. I don't really have a strong support system in my life and would constantly rely on professionals.
I understand that sometimes mental health professionals or volunteers help people based on what's in their books. Mental disorders like depression can't really go away after getting help. People learn from therapy and try to make things better. In such situations like having bad thoughts, the goal is to deescalate such feelings and ensure that the patient is safe.
When I get help, I get reminded that I'm only reaching out to temporarily reduce my depression. However, after that my depressive episode, the thoughts will probably come back again.
Tonight, I decided to try 988 to find comfort. I thought it was much better texting rather than calling cause I really get anxious speaking to people on phone. It took my a few minutes to do a little survey and the counselor came in a few seconds after I pressed submit. My hands were shaking as the counselor asked about how can they support me. I told them it was my first time using 988 and they replied the same question they asked from their first message. I started to type words to express them what I'm feeling but I erased them and exit the website.
I got scared.
Maybe because I have the thought that the counselor wouldn't give me the right words and instead would trigger me more. I knew they wanted to help and get to know my situation more to see what they're working on. I don't know, I was probably expecting a soft response after my first message? perhaps something like.. thank you for reaching out? However, I'm really thankful they are there to help people. I think I should wait until my therapist is back. Until then, I'll probably try to fight my way out of my own thoughts.
I can't really rate my experience since I ended the chat early. Maybe in the future I'll try to reach out to them again.
| 1 |
suffering mentally is so unexplainable
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i feel like explaining what it’s like to suffer with mental illness is not doable. i mean, i can explain what i experience, but i feel like i can’t ever explain it to anyone who can truly relate and it feels so isolating
| 8 |
Scared to death of doctors.
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I haven't been to a doctor in 23 years and I am scared to death to go to one. I know something is different with me, but I have never cared for myself enough to do anything about it. But now that I am older, things are becoming worse, unmanageable even. I have an appointment to see a doctor in three weeks....but I am terrified. I am not even sure what I am scared of, but it's horrifying and paralyzing.
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Am i just overreacting or is twitching at bad memories a thing that can happen?
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Sometimes i get a little angry and say "come on, I didn't deserve that" or want to twitch and do if im alone. I also sometimes go quiet or get sad when being in conversations but not in an "I actually can't talk" way
probably a symptom of trauma in general im guessing.
| 6 |
Lost a friend...
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I've always been a sensitive person and one of them who trust their friends the most and treat them like own family, irrespective of anything!
So, here it comes like this - I met someone over a social site last year in Summer and we became good friends..(I like knowing people from all over the world and have encountered many beautiful people till now).. A few days ago I got to realize that I'm gaining feelings for him, maybe it was just infatuation..(I don't know).. so, confessed it to him since we were good friends and he used to be a listener of mine! I even told him not to worry about anything, it would take me a few days to be normal again! He seemed to be alright but some of his actions towards me were weird.. still, I didn't give that attention. But today, all of a sudden he told that he doesn't want to stay connected to people he met online! I felt numb and my heart started hurting so bady, loss of appetite...
I tried to talk to him at my best, but he didn't listen and stayed strict to his point of views!
Losing someone is okay right? But how to deal with it when the rejection and coldness come from good friends?
And guess what? None of my friends is there to listen to me today.. I texted other friends but maybe they're also busy with their lives!
I still don't understand what this universe wants to teach me!
So, I've come here if anybody listens to me...!
| 10 |
I need help to reach out to my family
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I’ve been trying to tell my family about my depression and mental health problems but can’t seem to be able to get into a situation where I can talk about it, I have family members I live with that I don’t want involved or want/can to talk to. How do I get someone’s attention individually or talk in private, I don’t have any privacy in this house and want to talk in peace.
Im open to DMs and advice as well
| 1 |
It's over.
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I feel weak. I am physically and mentally tired. A soreness that persists no matter what is done. I feel like I'm drowning. Abandoned at sea. Left to the waves as they unceasingly crash over head. I cannot see land nor the ship that I was once on. I swim and swim desperately trying to keep my head above water just for one more breath. But I am tired. Soon I will not have the energy to keep on swimming. There is no rescue coming. Sometimes I wonder to myself, if it would be best to let the water take me. Stop fighting the inevitable. But I hold on. I hope for rescue. Why? Human nature I guess. But I am oh so tired.
| 2 |
My job is killing me, I desperately need to escape
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I made a bald decision to move away from my family, and migrate to another country half way across the world. I’m 19 and I did this all alone. The first job I was offered here was a job in labour. I’ve been stuck in this job for 6 months now and I really hate it, I dread my evenings thinking about how I have to go in the next day and I’ve been calling in “sick” a lot recently because I can’t handle it. I want to quit, and do something easier like cashiering, as it was my previous job and I won’t have to wake up at 5:30 every morning for it, but I’m struggling to land any job interviews.
I’ve been considering using up my savings to quit my job and have time off while hopefully landing another job in time before I have to go back to my old one. I have about $10,000 in savings but I was planning on saving it towards something bigger for my future. I used to have a side hustle in music production and I was making good money from it in school but then I stopped due to my depression, ideally I want to peruse that as a career, but finding a better job for my mental health is a necessary step for me to take. What do I do? Should I risk quitting?
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Teenage Long Distance Relationship
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So, wherte do I start? My problem is that I (18M) been in a toxic long distance relationship. We texted for 1 years, in that 1 years we’ve met twice. Our first meeting was when we were at a party, she came to my country and we’ve been already texting for months. After the party we got together, when she flew back to her country I did not see her for another 4 months. We were video chatting every day, and if not then she became hysterical and manipulated me. My average phone screen time was about 10 hours a day. We both had time, especially her. After she finished her school she was basically free for the rest of the day. After not seeing her for 4 months, I got enough and travelled 1000+ kms for 18 hours by bus for her. We were at her mom’s place, her mom was very cute and she loved me and I loved her(not in a romantic way). I was there for 9 days, at the 4th day I found out she was talking to a lot of guys the whole time. Especially one. They were all from my country, she doesn’t like boys from her country, didn’t even talk to one. At this point I was heartbroken, I sobbed, I travelled 1000kms for this. After this we’ve been together for another ~2 months and I broke up with her through phone. It’s been five months now. It’s crazy how you can love someone just from seeing her every day through a screen. I feel like this has changed me, but I can’t tell if it’s in a good way. Most of the time good, my style became better and I saw a little bit of the world. I enjoyed it, but I became super sensitive to a lot of small, meaningless things. I was always a sensitive type of person, but now it’s a lot. Whenever I think about this story or something just reminded me of her my heart breaks and I feel like my anger is coming out and I act really weird, I never cried once because of this, just when it happened. I feel like I didn’t get proper closure and I am a weirdo. What can I do?
| 4 |
Advice for someone conflicted
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tw: suicidal shit, etc.
Recently got back from uni, it’s so good to see my parents and my girlfriend. The weather is beautiful atm over here. During my days, I’ve been absolutely in love with being alive. I’ve read, walked, learned, savoured serene moments; all the real romantic life shit.
I tried hanging myself 18 months (ish) ago, since then I’ve been ever on the up. First year of uni did a number on me but I haven’t rly met someone who hasn’t felt the same way, at least a little. Generally, though, I’ve indulged more than ever in the world around me and it’s been so wonderful, really.
Now I’m absolutely infatuated with being alive, with thinking and BEING, at least during most daylight hours. Like clockwork, 22:30 hits and it’s a panic attack: I love life, and like the self-indulgent pervert I am I love myself, too. But this perspective of mine is limited, so limited. Not to write more than necessary, the existential crisis always leads to smoking and suicidal ideation.
I mean, it’s peaceful on my own terms. More peaceful than being subject to all of this. I get to choose it, and suddenly - as soon as it’s MY choice - eternity doing nothing seems like complete bliss. But these people, beautiful souls that I would so viscerally damage by slipping away is I think the only reason that 3am ‘mood swings’ (?) haven’t turned into what happened last time I was like this.
Whats happening to me? Theres no coherent narrative to my emotions whatsoever. As a being, Id at least like to make sense to myself. Any advice from anyone who’s felt similar before?
edit: this is a pretty recent thing
| 2 |
Why am i almost on the verge of a breakdown/i have one when my vape dies/is almost dead?
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Btw. Im underage by a month so my mom buys them for me but when she cant i always spiral and idk why…
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What could be my father's "problem"?
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What could be my father's "problem"?
I don't mean to sound rude in the title, but english isn't my first language. I apologize for my limited knowledge of it.
So I don't know if this is the right place to ask or if I'm using the right flair, please tell me if I'm not.
So as long as I can remember, my dad had this weird habit to randomly speak in an unknown foreign language. I always asked him what he was saying, and he always replied "I don't know"
I don't understand it at all, and don't recognize the language. Growing up, I realized he really doesn't know what he is saying. Could this be some kind of tic? If no, what it is? I think it's important to mention that he has ADHD too.
Please tell me if you know anything about what could this be, because (even tho it doesn't affect our life in any negative way) it's a little worrying. Is asked my and his mother, and they both said he didnt do anything similar as a child.
Thank you for everyone for reading this!
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I can't deal with storms
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Too scary I need help please I need any relief
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I wish this fictional character I created was real
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It's starting to make me sad sometimes :/ Even when I dated someone for the first time I was just wishing I was with the fictional character and not him sometimes. I feel like if he were real life would be a lot better
| 1 |
Brain done gone silly :/
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I (m19) have recently gotten this feeling of a very mild headache but I can’t focus on anything and I feel like my brains in autopilot, usually I have a lot of thoughts in my head and now it’s absolutely silent. I don’t even think to talk it just comes out now. It’s very hard to remember what I was just doing a minute ago and it’s even harder to do things I used to be able to with no issues, like for example at work today I had to re make something 3 times because I kept messing up. This is more of a rant than anything I guess but it would be really cool if someone could maybe give me a hint of what’s going on so I can get help. Thank you
| 1 |
My life is falling apart and every-time I try to fix it, it gets worse lol
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I feel like I'm losing it if I'm being honest. I'm constantly being undermined by what I'm doing or saying necessarily, but by life itself. I feel like I'm losing all of my relationships, and for some reason, every time I try to make it up, plan stuff, or continue talking to a relationship that's falling apart, I'm pushed away. I can't take it anymore. My chest hurt's constantly, and I feel so lost and unheard. I'm always talking and nobody is listening. I almost lost both of my jobs (yes, i work two jobs-not getting me by tho) in the space of two weeks. The first event was not my fault but it felt like it was, and I had such bad anxiety about it that my boss had to call me to make sure I was alright, and to reassure me that I was not fired (because they don't have anyone to replace me), and the second event entailed me mixing up my works days and due to that, I was late to work (my fault entirely, this was the third time it's happened and I didn't want to argue about it in case I lost that job). I'm not happy at either of them anymore. I feel like an outcast due to making simple mistakes, and people are treating me like I've commited a crime. I'm going through a bad time mentally just now and it doesnt seem like anyone notices or cares. I really cant go through this alone. I will not survive much longer if i am alone. I spent more than my wage on drink yesterday and it didnt make me any happier and honestly im still in shock over how much i spent. Its not like me at all. I'm really tight when it comes to money. It was so out of my personality to spend that much and i feel shit because of it. i feel so alone
| 3 |
I need a therapist pls
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someone I just need to talk too
| 1 |
What can I do to make this 2 hr move finally at 30 yrs old?
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What are some things those of us that are around 30 do to jumpstart our lives? I'm really leaning towards moving before the years over. I just want out of my parents home for the first time of my life, I want my own freedom. I feel trying yo stay here and save will just keep me stuck here for many more years. I'm feeling it's time to just "GO!!" Ya feel me?
1 have this feeling inside me now that's telling me it's time to go.
Also, rock hill included int eh metropolitan area, what are the best or, what is the best town around Charlotte to live in, or make a new move to?
| 3 |
No tears left today
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I talk so soft because if you raised your voice I couldn’t help but look at you like I look at my dad, so for once just speak kindly to me. I can’t handle the sight of myself. Theres no way to fix the problem, the way I look. I hate my nose. I hate my eyes, constantly sunken with black bags I hide with my hat or my hair. I hate my face. I love my tears. I hate my hair most days. I hate my teeth, permanently fucked up. I can’t wait to have everything be ok for once. The heartbreak feeling drowns me again with fear of the way I might feel. God I need therapy.
| 1 |
Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems
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Keep fighting. Things can get better. Depression comes with tunnel vision, you’re not experiencing clear happiness, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Everything you feel is temporary, there is an end. Keep fighting. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.
Edit: I am 18 years old suffering depression, there is a lot of other young people with depression, for whom the possibility of getting better is what safes them now. I dont care if I cant promise things will get better, I am not promising you anything, but reminding you things can get better. All the people coming at me are all extremely stuck in a tunnel vision, depression might not feel temporary to you, but depression is temporary for a lot of people, especially young people whit a whole life ahead of them.
| 21 |
Is it normal that I hate when people touch my stuff?
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**This is a question/venting post.**
My cousin just stayed at my house for the weekend and while he was here he touched **EVERYTHING**. I have no idea why, but I've always felt a lot of anger whenever someone touched my things without permission or at least handled them with care, so you can imagine how irritated I felt on the inside when this dude was spreading open my game cases 180°, when he was mashing buttons on my PS5 controllers, pressing random keys on my mechanical keyboard and fidgeting with the mouse wheel.
It made me specially angry when he talked about how much it bothers him seeing people spread open books really wide, the same way he spread open my game cases. But I had to hold it in so as to not make a scene.
My brother has asked to borrow my computer a few times and everytime he smashes every key with all the might his fingers can muster. Every keystroke is loud. Everytime I get something new he wants to touch it. New headphones? He wants to try them on. New computer mouse? He wants to hold it. You get the idea.
A friend of mine pokes fun at how I keep every manga volume I own in the plastic bag it came in and how that makes my shelf look ugly. Another one of my friends looked at me weird because I avoid creasing the absolute hell out of my sneakers (Normal walking creases are fine, it's the creasing and wear you get for squating and kneeling that I can't stand).
I try not to touch other people's things unless necessary, so why is everyone else so comfortable touching my stuff and getting all pissy when I ask them not to? Why do they poke fun at me for taking care of my things? Am I in the wrong? Am I being **too cautious**?
| 3 |
What personality disorder would cause a person to be angry or disdainful or cold toward someone for being sick?
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Same question as title. What personality disorder would tend to cause someone to become either angry, annoyed, or cold or disdainful to someone for being sick?
For example in Dec 2019, I got very very sick. I ran 103 fever and my O2 was low. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest such that I could barely walk unassisted. My then girlfriend got so angry at me, so vicious and cold as if I had chosen to feel so ill. Anytime in general I got sick she would get this way as if I was bothering her or annoying her by being physically ill.
She would also get snappy when her grandma would be forgetful and be rude and annoyed. She also had little to no sympathy for her mother who was bipolar. In each case it was almost like the person had somehow personally affronted her by being unwell. .
| 1 |
My boyfriends uncle triggered my PTSD
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Content warning for child abuse, pedophilia and sexual abuse/comments
So quick backstory. I was online and offline groomed by a pedophile from when I was 13 till I was 18. I'm 19 now.
I'm still sad that I lost my teenage years to a pedophile but I'm trying to move on and enjoy life, but we are reaching the time of the year when I was able to cut everything off with him so I'm feeling naturally more down and anxious.
Now, yesterday, I went to meet my boyfriends dad's family side and he warned me about one of his uncles and that if he made me uncomfortable or anything like that to tell him, since he usually makes a lot of innapropriate comments about people that he doesn't even know.
So I ended up meeting the family (and that uncle) and everything was going well until we started drinking. That uncle asked me if I wanted Amêndoa Amarga (it's a portugusse drink) and I said yes. He immediately said that if I wanted it, I had to shake my ass for it.
I immediately felt like the world around me had collapsed, like the floor had fell from underneath me. Everyone was around but no one said anything. I felt, and still feel, dirty and like the young girl that needed some adult to get her out of the situation I was. I felt completely lost.
I started having a pstd episode with everything coming back, everything that I tried to forget during this year.
My boyfriend ended up calming me down and told me to not listen to the comments they could say (only his parents know what happened to me, his family doesn't).
I still feel completely helpless, his comments don't leave my head and everything that happened is playing in repeat.
| 21 |
Dissociation
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I've been feeling dissociated the entire day. I haven't felt like this in so long that I'm not even sure what to do. I went outside to try to focus my mind, but it didn't help. Can anyone offer advice about what they do when they're feeling this way?
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Anyone else feel lost and confused despite being satisfied with life?
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Like wtf am I doing. Who am I.
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General SA talk sort of
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Ive been SA’d multiple times throughout middle school, and even before that (child on child) and am still a teen, and sometimes i still feel the need to just gut myself. Not in a “i want to die” way, but like in a “everything inside me is gross i need to purge myself from existence” way, and im not sure how to cope with it. i still have to see some of the people during school, and i don’t know what to do, because i feel like i need to just cleanse my entire body. i feel dirty.
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Am I supposed to be feeling this way?
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I’m in my teen years and over time I’ve realized how much of a horrible person my father is. I’m adopted and my mother has told me about my real parents and I’m glad I was adopted. My biological parents were druggies and my biological dad killed himself a little while after I was born. ANYWAYS I was adopted at birth and a couple years after I was adopted my adoptive parents divorced. They told me when I was younger that they didn’t get along..but my mom told me about 2 years ago my dad cheated on her. All my life I kinda knew my dad was a cheater. About a year ago my dad took me and my sister to the fair and we ran into one of my friends. She was there with her brother and mom. We decided we would ride rides together and hang. As the night went on I noticed my dad acting odd..I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy my night. Fast forward to the end. We said our goodbyes and departed, while me and my dad were in his truck he said something in the lines of “Her mom was nice. I got her number in case y’all want to hang out.” When he said that I knew that he was going to try something with her mom. A few months later I was talking with a group of friends and talking about mental health. Somehow the fair thing was brought up and I was saying how I thought he said something to her mom. My friend then told me that he tried to get with her. I broke down crying immediately. My friend said she should’ve never said anything. I didn’t want to be right about my dad. Later on I told my stepmom about it and my dad said he was just trying to be nice. He is a bullshitter I hate him.
Do I have the right to be mad?
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i need online friends.
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i never leave my house bc im so damn anxious. im almost 17, im a girl and i struggle w mental health.
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Is this normal behaviour?
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I have been depressed for some time now, and it has Inpacted my studying. In 7th grade I had a particularly tough period.I was under a lot of stress because of the upcoming exams, but couldn't bother to study because of the aforementioned depression. So one night , I was stressing a lot. So much so that I started crying, and loudly so.My mom bursted through the door and asked me why I was crying. I was hesitant bu at last I told her.She the proceeded to start yelling at me saying that I should have studied and screaming at me.I couldn't forget this, I just wanna know.Was I in the wrong ?
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I don’t know how to get help
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I know I need help I have an Ed and many other illnesses, I self harm and have suicidal thoughts often, I’m just mentally sick and I’m declining but I feel so stuck like nothing I do will fix this and I’m sure some of it is environmental and a lot is just trauma but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been considering going back to therapy but it didn’t help before so I feel helpless, open to any suggestions (specific therapy’s, things to help myself, etc.)
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I want to amputate my legs, I don't have BIID.
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Hi there. I'm struggling with some severe thoughts of self-harm. I want to cut off my legs by myself, I want it to hurt. I don't WANT them gone, but I do at the same time. I often have thoughts of me being severely disfigured, such as having my brain splattered across the concreate after being hit by a semi. I have drawings I've made of it happening. I had a drawing in a journal where it was me burned and scalping myself, pulling out chunks of my hair. I have another where I'm playing with my intestines. It's not sexual, it's not because I want to die, to be honest, I don't know why I want it to happen.
Anyways, that's all.
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How to overcome “mental plateau”?
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Hi everyone,
Over the past few months, I have made amazing progress in my mental health. I started taking the right meds and I have way less anxiety and adhd symptoms now; however, I now feel stuck in my progress. I am a lot better, but I still drink a lot (an unhealthy coping skill I developed at the peak of my anxiety). I don’t workout and I feel like the only thing holding me together is my meds. How can I cultivate behaviors that actually improve my mental health?
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Is it really possible to heal from trauma?
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Just depressing thinking about me having to live with these events in my head for the rest of my life. And yes I’m going to therapy and am working on myself but some days that’s All that’s on my mind
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Feeing like I’m overreacting by being upset/bothered (tw: possible sa)
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So, I’ve been talking to this guy for a little bit and we’ve seen eachother twice, both times we’ve had sex. This is the first time I’ve been sexual with a guy (identified as a lesbian for a while but since my ex came out as trans during our relationship and I wanted to explore myself after breaking up I thought I’d try it) and I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual (not sure if I’m biromantic but idk) but that’s not really important to this story. The first two times we had sex we didn’t use a condom, but that was partially my fault as the first time was heat of the moment and the second I was half asleep and didn’t really think about it (still consented) and me not caring these times is kinda why I’m wondering if I’m just overreacting here. When I was over today I knew sex was going to happen, it’d essentially been planned, but he told me he was going to put a condom on so he could finish inside me and he did, except he took it off before he finished (he said the condom was making him soft, idk how believable this is I have no guy friends to ask) and didn’t tell me until after, I didn’t know how to react so I acted like i didn’t really hear him and kept trying to act normal, I stayed for a couple hours after just watching tv and had supper but he kept talking about future sex plans and kink plans and getting touchy and while this didn’t usually bother me at all I get kinda off and so while I was supposed to spend the night I made up an excuse about having a quiz I forgot about and went home. I have sexual trauma so maybe I’m just triggered and overreacting but idk. Am I?
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I have never experienced anger.
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I know this is a long shot, but I've asked a therapist about this and google, both to no avail.
Basically, I do not experience anger, and I never have. I do have existing mental health conditions (autism, ADHD, depression, and anxiety), but this has never particularly been something that's ever changed. I'm mentally healthy with my medication, and I still do not experience anger. I never experienced anger from day one, even as a little kid, and that's remained unchanging. I understand that apathy is a condition that exists, but I do, to my knowledge, have, experience, and express all of the other feelings.
I do not have repressed or suppressed anger, nor do I have difficulty recognizing or expressing anger. It just doesn't exist in me. I'm actually relatively good at expressing anger. Even if I do not experienced the emotion, I do find it helpful in certain circumstances to act in such a way which comes across as angry. It took some time to learn how to express an emotion I do not feel, and prior to having learned how to I was a bit sad that I was not able to have the sort of power that comes with it, but now that I can, I have no such worries.
I currently quite enjoy not feeling anger at all. I think it probably makes things easier for me, since I'm already not the greatest at social interactions. It's made me very good at mediating conflict which is find especially helpful. Even so, I do somewhat feel like I'm missing something, as emotions tend to be regarded as a vital aspect to being human.
More than anything though, I'm intensely curious if there's a name for my experience and/or if anyone else can relate. I doubt I'm the only person in the world who completely lacks an emotion(s), but I've never once heard of someone else with the same experience.
Does anyone have any answers or similar stories?
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Self Worth
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When I was young as long as I can remember my dad has had anxiety and ocd. He projected his frustrations on me a lot when I was a kid when it wasn't necessary. I know some where life lessons and those made me disciplined and a hard worker im really grateful for that. But the unnecessary times im now realizing I took all those times to heart and thought it was my fault. I've been having self worth issues ever since at 25M. Im terrified of making mistakes and I overthink every aspect of life. It has screwed up every relationship I've had with women and friends. Any advise would be appreciated!
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Why do I feel so disconnected from my childhood?
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For clarification, I'm still a minor- like mid teens. And I've experienced dissociation frequently since like age two. But I've noticed that my memories feel like they're not mine- not only that, but thinking about my childhood and the 'stranger' that lived it makes me extremely panicked and nauseous. I know that dissociation is tied to trauma, but...I have no trauma from my childhood. At least not that I can remember. Any memories up until fourth grade feel so insanely wrong in my mind. I haven't received any diagnosis for things related to this, though I have anxiety and severe depression, as well as a history of anorexia. My therapist and I are trying to figure this out but I'm genuinely so disoriented right now.
Thank you to anyone who read this far, have a lovely day :\]
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why do i hate and fear love so much while also craving it? every time someone shows love to me i get mad idk how to do explain it
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i’m not sure if this is a stupid question
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How do i cope with growing up?
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My birthday is approaching and i’ve had a hard time looking forward to it. I’m only 19 years old but for the last few birthdays they’ve left me feeling more depressed than joyful. It’s not like i don’t have a great support system around me i do, it’s more that i’m having a hard time accepting that i’m getting older, gaining more responsibility, and losing more and more of what makes me a “kid.” Any advice?
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Are you silently struggling?
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The advice I’d give to somebody that’s silently struggling is: You don’t have to live that way. You don’t have to struggle in silence. You can be un-silent. You can live well with a mental health condition, as long as you open up to somebody about it, because it’s really important you share your experience with people so that you can get the help that you need.
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Friend is struggling with mental health, does not want help, and it's straining our friendship. What should I do?
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I've been friends with this person for a few years now, and have always tried to be there for them and support them. Essentially it's been a few years of watching them make poor decisions and talk in length about their poor mental state and I fully understand a lot of where they're coming from, but the way they've been treating me recently has been remarkably poor. I understand being frustrated and not being cheerful all the time, especially when struggling with depression and anxiety, but I'm beginning to wonder if our friendship is going to last if things continue like this. So here's some context:
They have been unemployed for most of this time, only able to keep jobs for a few months at most, usually quitting bc "the job was BS and I can get a better one anyway," and turning down several job offers because they "didn't pay enough" (despite me suggesting that some money is better than no money). But money is not an issue for me when it comes to friends, and I am more than willing to pay for things when going out if any of my friends cannot afford what we're doing.
They've bounced around from place to place, living with friends or relatives, and there is always some reason why living there sucks. Sometimes it's reasonable to me, other times...less so. Usually it's that the people/person he is living with (the person letting them live there) is "annoying" or "doesn't respect my space" and they always talk about "one day when I have my own place..." but on account of the whole job thing, doesn't seem like that will be happening anytime soon.
They're very negative about everything. I often joke that they "hate fun" because there's very few things they're even willing to do. I usually feel like I'm dragging them to go do something I want to do, even if they insist that I'm not, purely because of their attitude before, during, and after. I hate feeling like I made them do something or that they're only just tolerating something because I'm paying. They generally insist that they're just not in a good mood but are having a good time.
I feel as if this friend's depression is so bad that it's deeply inhibiting their ability to operate on a daily basis, and this is a big reason for the job and housing struggles, and I've been there, and getting diagnosed with depression, getting medication, and going to therapy was a major turning point in my life. I have tried suggesting therapy and/or medication, hoping they would at least try one or the other, but they usually brush it off or say they might look into it (and never do). I don't want to be pushy, I don't want to act like I know what is best for them, but I simply do not know how much longer I can be this close to them. Every conversation lately feels like I'm talking to a wall. They are always in a bad mood. Even small talk ruins the mood because I'll ask how their day was or what they did and it's "slept most of the day, played COD, whatever" etc. I feel like this is a very one-sided friendship these days, and that I'm not getting any support or care that should be mutual in friendships, and I don't even think they realize it's happening.
I don't know what to do anymore. It's beginning to really wear on me after these few years, and I feel kind of selfish for feeling that way, but I also know this friendship will not last if this continues. What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I care about this person a lot, but I simply...don't know what to do anymore.
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Intrusive "memories"
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For years now I've searched but found nothing. I get these flashes of a city that seems to have its own consistencies. It's like deju vu, but not. It happens, at any time. It's a place I've known before. Or place I will be, I don't know and that scares me.
I don't know if it's a dissociative disorder. I have almost no control of it. I can explain it in more details if needed.
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just cut myself
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can't even tell anyone my parents will just force me into the mental hospital again like last time i don't get it why do i even do this i just black out sometimes and only realize afterwards what i did its only good that i don't disassociate like this often i just snap sometimes taking pain killers drinking cutting
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My memory is really bad I don't know where to ask this but
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So my memory can be really bad I don't know if its just with instructions but anyway I was asked to put a wash load on today and I forgot I was given 2 jobs 2 do and I forgot both times my dad said it wasn't my memory and that I was just being lazy but i genuenly forgot its really stress full being that they are just brushing it off and I think my memory might be getting worse I don't know what to do so if someone could explain or help clarify things that would be appreciated
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Just called the hotline… they hung up
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As I was explaining how long I was depressed they said they had another call, put me on hold them hung up.
I can’t do this anymore
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What's your experience quitting antidepressants?
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My partner (25F) has been on antidepressants for roughly 8 months and has recently started lowering the dosage on advise of her psychiatrist.
During these 8 months the effects of the antidepressants have been a rollercoaster for her.
One issue is weight; in the beginning she was at her lowest mentally and didn't eat much, so she lost +-15kg. But the past few months, as she's been doing better mentally, she's gained 20+kg and can't stop feeling hungry. During this period of rapid weight gain, after noticing it, she started working out every day and eating very carefully to combat it, but it did not help.
Furthermore, the previous time she lowered the dosage she got dizzy spells, nauseousness, headaches and fever like symptoms without the fever.
Her main questions are:
- does the hunger ever stop? Does it change when quitting the antidepressants?
- have others had issues with weight gain? And did that change when you quit?
- are the side effects of quitting long lasting and what are your personal experiences with it?
I'm posting this on behalf of my partner, so responses and especially extra info requests can be delayed.
Thank you in advance.
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Why do I not like my birthday?
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Growing up I had birthdays every year at Jollibee, we had games and lots of fun. I’m 24 today and I just feel like as I get older I just don’t even want to think about my birthday. I appreciate the gifts and my family gathering to celebrate me but a part of me just finds it cringey. Whenever its other people’s birthdays I’m always happy to be there, happy to celebrate them. Is everyone like this as they get older??
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Help with my autistic cousin
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Apologizes this will be long.
Okay so me (22F) and my cousin (23F) have been pretty close our whole lives. While she obviously deals with mental health issues she's not actually diagnosed with anything because she "doesn't have the ability to schedule an appointment" and her mom refuses to do it for her (my cousin asked her too but she refused- her mother has her own mental health issues and is medicated). But she heavily identifies as autistic and believes she is and so does most of the family.
However the past couple years (right after our very loved grandma passed - my cousin did NOT take it well) she started treated me very poorly. I was too annoying or too bubbly or just too much, it really hurt to hear her say these things about me but I tried to smile through it and be forgiving as I know she's dealing with a lot.
But one night she invited herself randomly to an outing I was going to with friends (literally she called and asked what I was doing that night and when I told her she literally said great what time are we going) . I was a bit nervous about it because she can freak out in social situations but she really wanted to come so I went ahead and told her she could come. Well we went to dinner in the area first and she just randomly freaked out at the restaurant and insisted I take her back to her car that was all the way at my house. The issue with that is that in order to drive all the way back home and all the way back in the area I would miss like 1-2 hours with my friends. So I offered to pay for her to get a Lyft but she refused citing her "anxiety" and freaked out till I gave in. I ended up missing the whole party and my cousin decided to ghost me for a literal year and a half (and I desperately tried to reach out to talk because I still don't even know what I did wrong)
Well she finally was ready to "give me a second chance" (again not sure what I did wrong to need another chance) around thanksgiving. However I was still really hurt and honestly scared of what she'd do or say to me so I kept her at arms length. However we kinda fell into our old flow and it really felt like we were good and she was doing better so I let my guard down. I even got her some cool as Shit for Christmas (I keep folders of stuff I see that I think my loved ones will like so I had a lot of stuff for her) that she loved and it was a special night because it felt like we really were friends again and I really thought we were good.
However recently I went to our mutual friends house cause I left something important at her house (medicinal weed that I use for mental health and chronic pain- shattered my clavicle, surgery fixed most of it but the chronic pain and nerve damage keeps me aggressively up at night) however she told me my cousin insisted on taking it and said she'd see me sooner (which me and my friend thought was really weird as like 90 percent of the time we meet at her house and I even said I was gonna pick my stuff up after work, I also had multiple things to pick up and my cousin only took the weed)
Well thanks to too much heavy lifting at work and having an early morning the next day I was pretty nervous about getting any sleep. And since they both live in the same area I wasn't tripping just texted her that I'd love to come by to get my stuff. After like 20 minutes I called twice after an hour I tried calling two more times. I finally texted her saying "I'm really not tryna blow you up sorry lol. Just wanted that stuff before I left but no biggieeeee"
Well 24 hours went by and I finally texted her one more time just saying "Ok now I'm getting worried are you okay???? " which she responded with "I was not over at friends last night for multiple reasons, some of which friend knew about. I did not appreciate the various calls and texts, I was trying to sleep off a headache at the time. If I don’t respond to you it’s for a reason and you have to wait until I feel able to reply properly. I understand I have stuff you want, I’ll give it to you when I see you next or when we are both free and agreeable to meet up sometime."
I apologized and thanked her for communicating while also expressing my own feelings (I'm trying to be better about standing up for myself) because friend has said she had no idea why cousin mentioned her as she hadn't even talked to her in days. I will admit I was emotional and ranted to much but I had multiple people proof read because I knew I was emotional and they all said it was okay just wordy. I didn't say anything disrespectful or rude and mostly just apologized and tried to talk about what was "wrong" in her eyes. She said paragraphs felt like accusations and like I was trying to make her understand something which really confused me because I thought that's what a conversation was about? It ended with her calling it a disaster and saying she wanted the conversation to end. I didn't respond to that and just left it alone.
Now over the past couple of days everyone's been telling me what she said. Friend said initially cousin said her older brother coming back home "reset her mental health" and I didn't do anything but just was there when she was angry. Then a day later just came over to friends to talk a bunch of shit about me. And said she was the type of person "to not give the same energy to people after they do her dirty" (still don't know what I did that was dirty) and she knew I was gonna do this shit again. My mom also told me that cousin has dropped out of all the family shit because I'll be there and that cousin said she'll always love me but she's tried and can't have me in her life anymore.
Now our friend doesn't want to be friends with her. Even though I've begged her to ignore what's going on because I know if my cousin loses her (me, friend and then A are my cousins only friends, which is obviously fine but I don't want her to loose too many people.) she'll freak out and won't come out of her room for another year (apparently this is what she was mostly doing whilst not talking to me). I'm mostly confused and don't really understand what happened. I mean she's acting like I slept with her boyfriend or outed a big secret or just did something so awful causing her to permanently cut me out.
We literally called each other sisters and I really love and care about her. But I just can't keep putting myself through this. I can tell she's a lot better from the first time she cut me off but this really emotionally hurts me and it legitimately affects my life for multiple days cause im too sad to do a lot of stuff. Im trying really hard to not blame myself but I feel crazy and like I've done something horrible and should be ashamed. Should I have ignored her for a while till I was calm enough to just say okay sorry? Should I have asked her questions? Could I have said something better? Should I say anything else or just let it go? I was so anxious about sleep that night but did I inappropriately push those feelings on her?
Not sure if anyone made it this far but thank you for reading and for any input.
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Depression and weight gain
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For so long I have used exercise to balance my brain chemistry and it really helps soothe my anxiety/depression. I struggle with binge eating when im depressed. When i have the momentum of the gym it really helps keep my binge eating minimal. I LOVE working out. It makes me feel so good and it is honestly one of my greatest joys in life. I suffered an ankle injury 3 months ago, and i had to give up all lower body except walking. And recently and old injury in my neck flared up. Im afraid to work out and afraid of my own body. I have been working through the resentment of not being able to do what i love. I have been so depressed its hard to make it into work, and my bingeing is very frequent. I am trying not to shame myself for what i need to do to cope. Im in therapy, i finally got into a solid stretching routine, and i am in physical therapy. I am trying to love my body the way it is and be gentle to avoid the shame that exasperates the binge issue. But this is just where im at right now. Im sleeping all the time and im embarrassed for people to see my usually "fit" body with extra chub on it. I dont want my self worth to be linked to a number on a scale but i also miss the feeling if being proud of my body. I am going to keep working hard in PT and try to find smaller exercises that work for me. I hope i can gain some momentum soon and that the lessons i learn in this time will serve me in the future so that i wont get injured so often.
Anybody have experience, advice, words of encouragment?
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I don’t hate women anymore.
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I’m a mid 20s disabled man. While I’m not totally blind and have no issues reading or seeing things close to me, my vision drops off significantly at medium-to-long distances. After about 50 feet away, I’m functionally blind and can only make out blurry shapes, even with the correction given by my specially crafted contact lenses. I’m disqualified from getting a driver’s license as a result and the condition which causes my visual impairment is untreatable.
I learned lots of strategies as a child to adjust for my visual impairment, so I’ve had a fairly normal life. I spent a year of my college career living in a developing country to study the local language, and I’ve been accepted into one of the most prestigious graduate school programs in the world in my field to continue cultural study and research. I’ve been able to make some friends throughout my life who like for being an ambitious, energetic and generally affable person and don’t care about my disability.
The only aspect of life that my disability has prevented me from experiencing is dating. It probably doesn’t surprise you to know that I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. The fact of the matter is that women just aren’t capable of feeling romantic attraction towards a man with a disability, no matter how much anyone wishes this wasn’t the case. From women’s prospective my disability is my entire existence and I’m defective and have no value as a result.
I used to hate women, a lot. I thought that women completely disregarding every aspect of who I am as a person since I’m disabled was extremely cruel. I still do think that and I’m certainly not looking forward to having to spend my entire life alone, but I don’t blame women for how they think about me. With the other aspects of my life I’ve succeeded because there’s strategies and adjustments that all parties can make to ensure my success. Romantic attraction, however, is a natural feeling which can’t be adjusted for. Women can’t just ignore my disability, because it would be something they’d need to deal with every day if they were my partner, and I can’t blame women for thinking that’s far too big of a burden.
I’ve learned not to be angry at women or myself for not being able to date, because women reject me for an entirely practical and impersonal reason. Women don’t think that I’m uninteresting or violent or unintelligent or anything like that, all they see is my disability.
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Remembering concerning dreams I had as a child.
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TW for possible csa and self harm.
So for context, these dreams occurred between the ages of 4-5ish. I distinctly remember waking up after being sexually violated in the dreams. There was never a clear perpetrator, instead i was being abused by a shadowy/blurry adult man. I could only hear his voice. After having experienced these dreams, I was panicky and distraught until I eventually forgot about them. Fast forward to recently, well over 10 years later, and I’ve remembered about the dreams and have felt physically ill since. Despite the dreams, I have zero memory of any sexual abuse as a child.
As a child, I did show a lot of signs of being sexually abused. I wouldn’t let anyone touch me, and would flail around and hurt others/myself if I was uncomfortable. I would never speak unless spoken to, and I would spend my time as isolated as possible. This behaviour obviously raised some red flags, yet I would deny any inappropriate contact any time I was asked, which went on for years. I went on to be evaluated for learning disorders and developmental disorders, which I have none of. As far as I know, I am neurotypical.
As an adult, I suffer from what I would consider severe sexual dysfunction. I have never been able to have piv sex or use a tampon. Any attempt makes me have a breakdown and often spirals into self harm episodes. I can barely even think about my problem without it causing distress. I believe I have vaginismus, but I can’t bring myself to see a gyno to get a diagnoses. I was not raised in a sexually repressive environment, so I know my upbringing is probably not to blame here.
Sorry for the long post and awkward formatting, I just want to get this off my chest and get some support from people who may have similar experiences to me. Thank you :)
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I’m having suicidal thoughts for the first time of my life
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I’ve never thought about suicide and here I am today.
In 2021, I lose my job and left my gf on dyed being cheating on. I’m depressed, locked in my 15m2 appartement, without breathing any fresh air for six months, no sun light. I eat like shit, I sleep like shit. But everything is alright because I game all day and night. I meet people online. And in particular this girl.
She lives abroad, at 500km from me. We get close pretty quickly. She’s depressive but meeting me somehow make her more solar and happy. Same for me. Fast forward six months later, we meet one time. Then a second time and I decide to stay with her, in Germany. Her parents welcome me in their home, without asking no money. I find a job there, which is where her mom works, in a hospital, house cleaning basically. I learn the language every day at work, I’m happy to have a chance to be happy again. But I feel stuck really quick. I’m homesick, my gf doesn’t have a job, I can’t feel home because I’m at her parents’s and I just want to build something concrete with this girl. So my mind is basically running from waking to bed time. Cleaning beds is an automatism so the brain has all the time to think. I have my apartment in France which I still pay the bills for. I make an estimation with a moving society and it’d cost me roughly 1.500euros to move all my stuffs from France to Germany. I can afford it pretty easily after a month or two of work (I earned 1400/month, but I had to pay my bills in France, I left pretty roughly without being sure to find a job abroad I couldn’t afford to lose everything). My gf understands quickly that I’m suffocating and she starts to see for some apartments. I got upset because I didn’t want to leave alone there. I wanted to live with her, alone in a new country with no mark, doing the papers alone etc was scaring me. But she had no job, not really looking for it, not really wanting to sacrificing anything until she starts her apprenticeship a year later. So I just get stuck in my head again, ruminating all day. Then, the inevitable happened. Panic attacks. At work. One. I told myself it’s alright, I have these from time to time, I won’t die. Two. Three. Then a week later, I have one or two every single day until that day when I end up to the emergency block of the hospital. Doctor gives me pills that I’ll never take, and one week off. A week later, I don’t feel good and doctor gives a second week off. I got freaking angry to my gf and I told her if I was like this, it was her fault. We have a fight, she’s kinda paralyzed and I had a deep convo made of clumsy German understanding with a 50-60 yo co-worker who told me it’s best for me to just leave and turn the page. I don’t want to hear it because I love this girl and even though she doesn’t real efforts, I believe time can do the job after all. I blame myself, then her, then myself, then her. Again and again. My gf’s mom said I was crazy after she saw me having a panic attack, so I isolate myself. Skip every meal to reduce my interactions with her to a minimum. The third week I want to force myself to go to work again, but I spend a horrible night having panic attacks, palpitations etc. I cried a good hour in my gf’s arms, saying everything I had on my heart, confessing all the struggles, the failures and all the destruction I inflicted to myself since I turned 18. This is when I understood this love story was gonna be yet another failure in my life. I stay in Germany for 3 months, without a job (the mom basically said it was useless for me to come the third week so I got fired without any letter or call). I game all day and barely go outside. I don’t talk much to my gf. I finally leave in December 24th. When I arrive in France I’m feeling a bit better but I predicted at the train station by seeing my gf crying it was the last time I’d see her. I cried alone in the train. At this time, we were still talking and trying to keep our relationship on float. But I dive deep into my demons and game all day, eat like shit, sleep like shit. I postpone every doctor appointment etc. My gf obtains her driving license. Then from this day she switched her behavior toward me. Distant, and mean. I remember this time being in a call, I click on FaceTime and she keeps declining the request without saying anything and when I force her to tell me why she keeps declining, she says « I just don’t want ! ». I start to live with a ball in my chest, all day, all night. I tried many times to tell her if she wanted to blame me for what happened in Germany, it was okay but I needed to have a convo about it so things can be worked out. As we always did. But she keeps being mute. And I keep doing monologues about how I feel unhappy in this relationship, I don’t feel loved, wanted or anything. And then one day, on May 2023, she just dumps me. With crude words. She said I am toxic and manipulative. She posts a story on Instagram with this newest friend showing a cake on which is written « out of toxic relationship everywhere on it » and many insults aimed at me. Why am I designated as manipulative all of a sudden ? Did I talk too much ? Was I expecting too much from her when I was seeking for comfort and reassurance and she took her distance ? Why did I support her in the darkness if she just leaves me in the tunnel alone at the end ? She basically turned to a girl who built all her world around me and only me, to having her world completely turned toward a friend. And it wasn’t because of me, she just decided to not go out and wait for me to come back from work and all. She had no irl friends because she never met anyone since she had me but I never controlled that. Like she couldn’t have multiple people around her at the same time. I don’t know how to explain and I feel like this text is already messy enough. Since this day, I got crazy. I sleep even more like shit, I barely eat, I barely sleep. I kept myself away from alcohol because of money issues but I keep thinking about suicide. I surprised myself wanting to jump under a train on my way back home after a weekend with my parents. I looked for many ways to end it all since two months and I don’t get any better. My friends proposed me to leave my apartment once and for all to come and start a flatsharing in their school town. But I can’t get myself to do any effort for it. I would prefer to die or be with this girl again. All the beginning of this text was to say : I had rough times when I was 10-18 and even after. But never thought of suicide. But damn, I keep crying randomly some days. I’m lazy for everything, I don’t cook good things like I used to. I just game and talk to my online friends like nothing was happening and then when the console goes off.. I’m just alone with sad thoughts. She’s haunting my nights, my showers, my lonely and shitty dinners. I thought about many ways to take my life away. My parents don’t ask about me, my friends are really involved into doing this flatsharing to get me out of all of this but I would be better dead than anywhere else on earth. I’ll end this text here since it’s already a huge mess and there’s a high chance people don’t understand because of chronological issues and lack of details.
| 2 |
Lonliness...
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I have felt extremely lonely, sad, and low for some time now. I am a working person with a full-time job, I earn well, and I have a lot of responsibilities in life, like taking care of my mother and father financially because I am the sole member who supports my family financially right now.
I have been single for how many years now.. I don't even remember. I never found love, or love never found me after my last breakup 7-8 years ago. I feel a blank space in my life for a partner who loves me and gives me some affection in life, which I have none of.
I am trying to find a life partner by following the arranged marriage path, but I don't have much help in that from my parents or family. They don't care about it, I guess, or if they do, maybe they just don't show it enough to me. I don't even know if my father even knows my age, it is a tiresome and hard process to find someone to get married.
I feel like I am just giving to the world and not getting anything back, not even emotions. I just feel extremely sad and unloved right now as tears drop from my eyes while I am writing this. Have you ever felt unloved? And you think that you have no one in life to show some care and affection...
I try to keep myself sane by following some spiritual practices, whatever I can, and trying to be positive, but it's really hard to keep going like this. I lie to myself that I don't need a life partner or a friend in my life, but in truth, I do want one; I cry for one; I am desperate to find one; I don't even have someone to hug.
Even though sometimes I am with my "friends," I still feel lonely and cry for some affection and appreciation.
People never do anything to show their appreciation, but when you ask them why you never show me any appreciation, they just say, "Oh, we appreciate you a lot; you just don't know." What's the point of feeling something for someone when you never express it in your actions? I feel the same for my parents and family, as even though they say something, I don't see it in their actions.
I feel like a piece of meat that the world keeps taking a bite from.
I just wish I had someone to share my heart completely, see their heart, and become my best friend with that person. I would never feel lonely again because I would know that that person was there with me in every aspect of my life. I wish I had someone to give them all my love and never let them get hurt, i wish i had a partner with me whom i can hug and noy let go as long as i want..
I am just writing my heart out. Please don't mind. Just delete this post if it does not follow the rules, or whatever.
| 3 |
A realization I had
|
I wasn't sure where else to post this, but I was having a moment of suddenly feeling sad and just alone. Plus I finally asked my parents about going to a party out of town I was invited to by a long time mutual friend I never really had the opportunity to get closer to but is super nice. It got shot down of course because my parents are old school Asian and a bit helicopter-y.
I just feel like I felt growing up again, that the world and everyone I knew is moving around me and I don't get to. I was reading some stuff about over protective or controlling parents and the affect and of course everyone mentioned lying (I've gotten by by half truthing when need be, so I don't feel too bad and also get to live in little ways) but then someone mentioned anxiety and I realized holy f*ck I have that.
If my parents let me drive somewhere to do an errand, I feel literally guilty and unable to go anywhere else that I didn't mention. Like if I said I'm going to the grocery down the street, I feel literally unable to also pit stop at the 7-11 across the street. I think i have a fear of things and people being stripped away from me. I've had friends and such leave me out of nowhere, and even though my mom recently told me nothing would ever cause her to throw me into the streets, I honestly didn't feel that way. I felt like there was a line, that if I crossed it or they found out, they would either cage me up or throw me out. And I'd rather be out than in with their, and especially my dad's, anger. And they delayed me learning to drive, and driving in my own. I'm great at driving, but Im not really going out whenever and wherever. But I fear the privilege of driving will be taken if I do something "wrong". I wish I didn't feel these ways, and I wish I didn't have the traumas I do(or have to experience the things that caused them), sometimes I wish I could've had a more happy and normal home life/parental relationship, because sometimes I feel so sad and stunted from the way they treat me. They just think saying nice affirmations after years of the lack thereof will just undo it all.
| 1 |
How to not worry about what other are thinking about of me?
|
I feel like I am a people pleaser, I am actually very nice to everyone and I keep trying to make everyone around me feel good and comfortable whatever the situation is.
I always try to avoid making someone upset with me and I never consider myself during it and it sucks.
Any ideas what can I do to fix this?
| 1 |
I'm too sensitive
|
As the title implies, I'm too sensitive to anything. I have severe mood swings, and i get agitated really easily. I get over excited and ruin a lot of things. I also end up making people around me uncomfortable when I get excited, which then later makes me really depressed and suicidal. I try to cut people off after that. I have absolutely no control over my mouth and my actions. I hate being like this. I'm also very socially awkward and often avoid people cause I feel like I will make them uncomfortable. I don't really understand my own emotions. I don't know if I'm happy, or if I'm sad, or if I'm angry. I can easily understand other people's emotions, but my own emotions are difficult to understand.
I really need some advice to help me overcome this. I can't go to a psychiatrist currently and internet is probably the only place I can seek any help.
| 1 |
How do I tell a psychiatrist that I want to kill myself without ending up in a ward? Do I tell it to him even?
|
The conditions in an Azerbaijani ward would only make it worse for me.
| 12 |
Book/ Guide for Exposure Therapy?
|
Book/ Guide for Exposure Therapy?
Recommend me a book/guide for Exposure Therapy
Hi , I am doing Exposure Therapy like going out of my comfort zone (asociality and social anxiety) but I would love to read and have a guide with exercises for Exposure therapy.
I still need to work on how to talk with strangers and being social , going on travels alone , fear of failure , fear of driving / getting a driving license, commitment /plans and many others stuff it would be too much to try it down.
Thanks everyone
| 1 |
How should I tell my dad about my mental health issues?
|
For my whole life I’ve had a bad relationship with my dad. For the past two years I have been going to therapy to talk about my relationship with my dad, anxiety and body dysmorphia. However for the past few weeks I have been avoiding phone calls with my dad so that I don’t have to see him, because he can be emotionally abusive sometimes and he has made comments about my body in the past of which made new insecurities or current ones even worse. Today he sent me a message saying that he has been worried about me and is wonder why I haven’t answered any of his calls. Even my mom has had trouble understanding my issues, so I figure it would be even worse to talk about with my dad. How do I tell him without him feeling like it is his fault or cause an argument?
| 1 |
Depressed after Severe broken ankle
|
Early March I broke both my ankle and fibula in a nasty car incidents in which I technically got ran over, resulting in a major operation, having pins and plates on both side of my ankle.
This incident was a mix of my actions as well as an unfortunate stroke of bad luck, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Regardless, this has severely impacted my life and I’ve been struggling with my mental health a lot.
The accident impacted my final year at university leading to me miss a large portion of my final year as well as, stopping me from participating in sports such as mixed martial arts, mountain biking, weightlifting and more.
However, that isn’t the part that is causing me the majority of my depression. The main contributing factor is the thoughts of the impact that this accident is going to have upon the rest of my life.
I love sports, fitness and being active and now I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to reach the level of skills that I wanted to originally reach or, if I’ll be able to do my favourite sports at all.
I constantly find myself worrying about the long term implications of this accident and it’s filling me with an overwhelming thought that I’ll never be the same.
I’m writing this post hoping for some advice to stay positive as I am currently hiding my emotions well to my family but it is eating me up on the inside.
If anyone who has experienced a potentially life altering accident similar to mine and struggled with the consequences, id appreciate any advice on how to have a positive mindset moving forward.
| 1 |
Can’t attend dream school
|
So I was admitted to a masters program that I’ve worked all my undergrad career for. They got back to me on financial aid a month after they were supposed to (didn’t get any), and now I have until Friday to submit proof of financial ability (which I won’t). The department refused to grant me a deferral. World is falling apart :)
| 1 |
I wanna know what's wrong with me
|
I happen to like girls a lot, even when i have a crush I still give some attention to other girls, I'm 18, I'm always trying my best to stop this habit, even when i like a girl, I always try my best of the best to not think or look at any girl but it happens naturally, its hard to control, so I started to stop caring about girls and look out for myself more, its summer break now and I'm very okay with not texting female friends I used to talk to a lot while we had school and i really feel good and thought that behaviour might have gone away... until i went to a party (I'm socially anxious but I'm okay with this I've been like this my whole life and i faced some light problems) and I started looking at girls and almost built feelings for a girl, I was trying my best to look away but my eyes look at girls naturally and be searching for them, and i be trying my best to stop this until i was tired and went home, can someone please explain what this condition is and what should I do now on this summer break?
| 1 |
Binge emotionally eating
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How do i stop binge /emotional eating? I try to eat healthier and do smaller plates but noe i have 9 cavities asa results and im fatter bc i keep bingig on sweets n donoughts i can eat 4 bigs one in a day. Idk what to do anymore. My mom does it too whom i live with when she stress it trigger me.f27 she dont respect boundaries btw and this vise has been an issue my whole life
| 1 |
I just lost someone very important to me
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I can’t stop crying, I have no one around me, I need a shoulder to cry and who will help me, please someone..
| 1 |
How do y’all deal with impostor syndrome?
|
For context, writing and recording music has been my life and my main method of communicating for about 10 years now. I always say I do it for myself and if other people like it, then that’s great! But after all this time, I still feel like I’m just cosplaying as a “talented” musician (people tell me that I am, even if I don’t feel like it) and after having crapitalism and narratives around “marketability” forcefully shoved down my throat for so long, I feel like a total failure.
How do you deal with these thoughts?
| 1 |
Very overwhelmed right now.
|
I haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of days. I thought I was doing better, but my emotions have all come crashing down on me. There’s a pit in my chest and it’s just getting deeper and stronger. I’ve recently slipped up and cut my self, but my mom called while I was doing so, so I stop and now I feel extremely guilty. I keep thinking about killing myself, but I have my partner, family, friends and pets to keep living for. I feel awful for having these thoughts when I know they all care about me. I can’t stop crying and my sinking feeling won’t go away. I’m tired of this cycle of feeling better, than wanting to kill myself. Even when I’m feeling ok I worry the terrible feelings will come back and I should just kill my self before it gets worse again. Why am I like this? I’m getting so tired.
| 1 |
Don’t want to live anymore. Just want a small meteorite to impact me in the head.
|
Can’t stand having these negative thoughts and ruining everyone’s lives. Just want to die suddenly; without any harm to anyone else. Also not suicidal. Just sick of the life I have.
| 2 |
I can't get over the fact that I'm still hurting over the unexpected passing of my dad..
|
It's been two years and I've been feeling depressed since the unexpected passing of my dad.. My boyfriend tries to help but it isn't enough. Should I seek help from a therapist? It's been affecting me physically and mentally and I do not know how can I overcome this.. I want to be happy again... This is top much for me .. can I overcome this?!
| 1 |
How to stop idolizing and obsessing over people?
|
Sometimes i admire people. A friend, a celebrity, a fictional character, a person in my enviroment. Anyone. If i decide in my mind that they are “the one” that is best (imo) i unwillingly idolize them and get very down. I try with everything in me to be like them. Or get liked by them if they are around me. Anything i might say feels like it might be below their standarts so i dont know what to do and what to say and get trapped inside my own mind. Any good ideas to make me like myself above everyone that i can feel like they should try to be like me instead?
| 0 |
Anyone else ever had a sudden “oh no” epiphany?
|
Disclaimer: I have not been formally diagnosed with anything but will definitely be pursuing this issue.
In recent years I’ve taken a big interest in mental health issues, their behaviors, etc.
I was wondering if anyone else has ever happened to stumble across symptoms and behaviors and reached enlightenment. I’ve had a little too many moments where I was like “wow! I do that!…wait”. I usually just giggle about it to myself but have any of you been exploring and suddenly realized you should probably seek help?
| 1 |
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