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I felt like dying so I wrote a little story (if self harm triggers you, don’t read this!)
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I actually had a little panic attack in the middle, but I decided to keep that part in 😅
Should I just end it?
When she was falling asleep her thoughts were a labyrinth. An abyss she willingly fell into and only when embraced by darkness and nightmares did she try to force herself to climb out of it. But they wanted to be heard. They kept coming back again and again, pulling her down and refusing to let her sleep. They blamed her, cajoled her, humiliated her and she believed them every single word. No matter how much she rolled in her bed, twitched, what expressions she made, there was no getting rid of them. It took her longer to fall asleep than ever before and she blamed the warmth in her room.
She was waking up early but was the last one to get out of her bed. It took her long hours to manage to get up. And sometimes that weight on her arms, legs and chest was just too heavy for her. She blamed her laziness.
Some days were better than others. She would be able to smile and be considerate of other’s feelings. Sometimes she even managed to do the things that made her happy. At worse days she wasn’t able to lie, deceive others into thinking she was okay. She didn’t have the strength to disguise her true feelings and she hurt the people around her. She didn’t say the things she wanted to say, she spoke so softly that others barely understood her and she smiled very weakly or not at all.
She didn’t eat much. She couldn’t. Sometimes because she didn't have the strength to heat up her food or because she felt sick just thinking about eating. Sometimes because she didn't think she deserved it. Maybe it became her way of punishing herself.
She fought exhaustion as long as she could but ended up back in her bad anyway. Sometimes only few hours after she’s gotten out of it. Her body was so heavy, her mind so tired. She felt the weight of the world crushing her.
She hated the way they looked at her. With worry, uncertainty and maybe with a little bit of condemnation. She hated the way she had to pretend, the way they kept tiptoeing around her. How they looked for any sign that she had hurt herself. How it wasn't enough to suggest how she felt, when she didn't have the strength to do any of their requests. She had to completely open up, when she didn’t want to, tell them everything and hurt them and herself again. How they didn't understand her, but demanded that she confide in them. How they asked her how they could help her and she had no idea.
Why was it so unbearable for her to have somebody watching over her? Why did she hate it so much, when somebody tried to help, when they were worried about her? Why did she want to run away from there so badly? Why did she hate praise, reassurance and hugs so much? She had no idea.
She felt sick. Her chest hurt, the pressure building up, her body unable to stay at one place for a moment as if gripped from the back by icy talons. Her hands were shanking, fingers making one mistake after another andaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghvzjvwdchkbwefhkewckhbwhckbwdhkcbwhdkcbhdkwcbhhkdwbckhwdbfhkdwbckhwbckhdwbckhewbcukewbcciu3bcewiuddbeiwubdueiqddbukeqdbukeqbdukeqbdukqevcukqevcukeqvcukeqvdkueqvdukeqvdukeqvdukqevkzcveqkzdvqezkdvzqekdvuqkedvukeqvdukqedgukqebdkueqbdukeqgdukeqgdkuqevckuqebdkuqgedukqevdukqbedkuqbedkuqebdukqebdukeqbdukeqbdukqebdkuq3bdkuqebdukqebdukqebdukqebcukwdbcj´xavcjlasbcjkwsvcouewbcuowebcuowdbcuoewbculwdbvjkdwbvukdabciladbculadbjkadcnkˇdcwnklcsaNlx. l adMlvaepmave je dankˇceqlniXsMLXlmadmn ˇkCn
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She looked at her leg and was comforted by the sight of scars and red cuts. This time they were little, superficial, perfectly symmetrical. The pain was now only mild, pinching, but soothing. She could cover pages and pages if she were to express everything they meant to her, every reason why she did it and how she didn’t know any of it. She didn’t know. But at the same time she knew thousands of reasons why.
She could relieve the pressure that was constantly eating away at her from the inside. She could feel in control. She could express all that pain, punish her self, scream for help she didn’t want. For a minute she could deal with a problem that was real and not just in her head. Stop the bleeding. Make sure the blood doesn’t stain the carpet, check if the wound isn’t too deep, pray that she doesn’t need stitches.
And then clean, scrub, make everything look like nothing had happened. Figure ways to hide it, find excuses for why she doesn’t wear shorts, why she doesn’t want to go swimming. Lie that she doesn’t do it anymore.
Because they can’t know, she can’t hurt them this much again. It would be better if she just disappeared.
| 2 |
Does a child have to care about their parents in order for them to care about you?
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I said to my parents that I feel like they don’t care about me, and my dad just said “Well, do you care about me?”. 😧❓
| 1 |
Can OCD make you fall in love with someone you wouldn't have been interested in otherwise?
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There's a girl I've really liked for a while, we've been friends for years but usually when I tell her the way I feel about her she dismisses it and says that it can't be true because it's just my mental illness.
I guess I doubt if I actually do love her (although that doubt is probably also OCD too).
So can OCD give you fake feelings about someone or does it just amplify the feelings you already have?
| 7 |
anxiety and restlessness
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Does anyone else get extremely anxious when they sit around for long peroids of time?
If i don't have caffine and nicotine and em able to workout I get extreme anxiety and can't think straight or do anything i enjoy anyone know how to help with this?
​
I was in a psych unit for 14 days and started hitting walls and biting my lip and almost attacked a guard( I know this is extreme) because i couldn't just be there with no caffine or exercise. Is there anything that can help with this?
I currently have a psychatrist and have tried 20 different anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants. Tried ativan, but it just made me tired and unable to focus and didn't help with my restlessness
| 1 |
Need mental health advice PLEASE (m21 autism)
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i am not sure what to do about my mental health. for some background, i do have autism, although i am undiagnosed due to the many many difficulties ive faced trying to get mental health assistance in my state. also, i have a dependency on marijuana (i have been cutting back and have a plan for weaning myself off to avoid withdrawal symptoms, but it does affect my day-to-day life still). i live with my fiancée (f21) and our animals.
i have been struggling with depression and anxiety ever since ive been a teenager, but recently i have been feeling especially bad. i don’t know why exactly, as it has always been difficult for me to understand my emotions. nothing in particular that i can think of has happened to make my mental health decline, but i have been spiraling heavily. i get stuck in a loop in my head whenever i make a mistake; making the mistake makes me anxious because i feel like a disappointment. but being anxious makes it to where i cannot think. so then i end up making more mistakes. and then i get more anxious, etc, etc. i feel like i am a failure most of the time because i can’t do simple everyday tasks correctly and efficiently like a normal person, because i have autism which makes it to where i misinterpret instructions frequently, not to mention the marijuana usage is negatively affecting my memory and my ability to think. i constantly feel like im fighting an uphill battle to do even the most basic tasks (i.e. making a phone call, driving, grocery shopping, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, etc) and it doesn’t ever seem to get easier. my fiancée tries to support me, but we are in a very difficult situation and she needs help, help that i feel like im unable to provide. she encourages me to try my best, but it feels like so often that my best is not good enough, as i seem to be incompetent at basically everything that would be helpful. she has been frustrated with me recently due to the decline in my mental health and my subsequent decline in performance in all aspects of our lives.
i believe i also have something called a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) profile of autism that’s inhibiting my ability to do anything. i struggle greatly with doing the basic things that are expected of everyone; for example, i don’t brush my teeth or shower as often as i should, i hate going to work and doing any kind of job, i rarely clean up anything even when it’s horribly messy, etc. i can not pinpoint the reason as to why this may be; i feel like i want to be able to do these things, or at least want to want to, but i end up procrastinating until it’s too late. i am not sure if i procrastinate from anxiety because i think i can’t do these things or because im burnt out from doing the chores i already do. i think it depends on the task in question as to how i react to it, but generally i end up not doing the things i need to. and, even worse, if my fiancée wants something from me, chances are i will put it off until it’s too late. i feel like a major disappointment and failure because of this and i am not sure what to do about it because i can’t even pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me.
i could probably go on forever about how each individual aspect of my mental illnesses ruin my life, but i mainly just want advice on these topics. i understand that therapy is important, but waitlists are booked out at least 6 months, so i will be without mental health assistance until then. in the meantime is there anything that i can or should be doing to improve myself? im really just looking for advice because im desperate to get out of this horrible rut im in. ive just about given up hope for myself, but i don’t want to just give up. i want there to be some way for me to improve myself.
| 1 |
Desperately Looking for Psychologist Assistance
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Greetings,
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I am a 24 year old male from Qatar.
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I am in dire need of help. I am seeking a psychologist who can provide me urgent emotional and behavioral aid.
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Since my childhood, I have had a persistent problem with chronic lying and dissembling. This issue arose from my overprotective parents, who would become vocally and verbally abusive at the slightest deviation from their expectations. Although I understand that their intentions were to protect and shelter me, their behavior led to a period of isolation, during which I struggled with stuttering, social anxiety, and stress-induced nausea.
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Now growing up and realizing these things, I have a paralyzing fear of my family and I keep trying to overcome it but I cannot seem to. I get very nauseated and even think of methods of self-harm. In fact, I have had two suicide attempts in the past, even a nightmare that caused me to be gravely hurt physically due to my panic attacks.
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In 2016, I met my significant other online, and our friendship eventually blossomed into a romantic relationship. With his guidance and support, I have made some progress in overcoming a few of my previous shortcomings. However, my personality trait of lying whenever I am afraid, nervous, or worried has been a persistent problem, which I have failed to address despite numerous chances given by my partner. I was afraid of confessing my lies to him, fearing that he would break up with me. This fear led to a cycle of lying and attempting to cover up my lies with yet another lie. Recently, my partner finally figured out I was lying to him, and with much effort and difficult conversation, I confessed to him. Although it was an emotional conversation, he has been incredibly supportive.
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The problem is, however, is this crippling fear of my family remains to this day. I cannot seem to be able to break through this barrier, even when I really want to do something. Even to this day I get very negative thoughts of self-harm, despite not wanting to walk down that path.
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I am in desperate need for a psychologist who is open-minded to me being part of the LGBTQ community and can assist me in bettering myself. I am determined to change my negative behavior and seek professional help. I am told to try to overcome my fear despite the incredible stress and nausea, but I cannot seem to do that. I do not know how to explain why and I am hoping a mental health expert can explain this.
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Please help. I am incredibly, incredibly stressed.
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I apologize for the lack of formatting.
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Thank you in advance.
| 1 |
I Don't Know How to Keep Going
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Possible tw just bc I'm absolutely beyond my breaking point, but nothing graphic here.
For the last month I've (23f) been in a shelter with my fiance (28m) for our safety. If you're curious I have posts on my profile explaining why. What's important here is that the crimes leading to us leaving our place took my finally well managed PTSD and shook it like a snow globe. After stalking, harassment, threats on our lives and 2 break ins I can't even flush the toilet after I pee without jumping from the noise.
We thought it'd be maybe a week in the shelter until our new apt was ready, but it's been over a month now. By 3 weeks into the shelter I reached the point that all the chaos just turned me into a puddle of tears every couple days. I'd have to run away and reset for a day before I could handle it again.
Last week we were put in a hotel, but that's kind of made things even worse. The area the shelter was in was like of like a hub for many extremely useful resources that we relied on. Hot meals, medical clinic, computers, place to safely charge your phone, social workers, and a kennel holding our cats until we move. We were also within walking distance of the support center that we attend for group/individual therapy, psych meds, case managers, laundry and showers. That's where I'd go to calm down when the shelter got to be too much.
The hotel is a 2 mile walk each way from everything. Now we walk 8 miles minimum every day just to take care of the cats in the morning and at night. We get maybe one meal a day bc it's so hot that we try to go when it's dark out. Like we'll wake up at 5am for the first trip and wait until the sun sets to go again, but the meals are at 10am/1pm/5pm. This week I got sun poisoning because I wanted breakfast which kept me in the sun for too long. The day after that I was attacked by a random woman who beat me with her umbrella until I bruised literally out of nowhere and in broad daylight. My fiance won't complain, but he looks for day labor so prob walks double what I do. I can see how much pain he's in that he tries to hide. And he has epilepsy so being out like this really isn't good for him.
I lost my sh*t the other day from just being sick and tired of always being hot, hungry and thirsty. I couldn't stop crying as I walked to the hotel so I thought c'mon just one person will notice and check if I'm okay. But people just kept going which made me feel stupid and invisible. My fiance thought I'd been hurt by the time I got back. No I just felt like I'm not even a real person who matters anymore. I won't even get into how you're treated by the people there meant to help you.
I'm just so lost and I don't know how to keep pushing through this. I'm trying my hardest, but this is the most difficult experience of my life. More and more issues just keep coming which is why I'm making this post. I have a job lined up for when we move, but I do online work in the meantime. I was earning through referrals for a new app which I spent the last two days working on. My account was valid, id fully verified and I followed all the rules. I was supposed to get paid by tomorrow the latest and today I woke up to an email that I violated their terms so they took the money back and closed my account. No actual violation was listed and the email they provided to contact bounced back as not a real address.
I'm so angry and not just bc I worked hard on that. But bc I can't even get the small satisfaction of emailing this company to tell them how they took away food money from a homeless couple trying to do everything they can just to survive right now. I honestly no longer believe that a single person cares about us or that I deserve help. Every bone in my body is telling me to just run away and give up. Like I just want to leave in the middle of the night and never come back. I'm sorry this was so long, but I'm just done and needed to get it out.
| 1 |
Intrusive thoughts
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I think my mom is evil and wants to kill me and I need to get rid of her
Don’t worry I’m not hurting anyone
| 1 |
I think using MATLAB's has exacerbated my mental health issues.
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I dont have much to say but hey nmt preprocessing sucks ass.
| 1 |
How can i get over a girl who ghosted me?
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I won't give a ton of details, to keep it a bit short.
I used to talk to this girl I knew from school. Amazing woman. We got to know each other, and we confessed to each other. But around 2 months ago she suddenly ghosted me and unfriended me on all social media platforms we knew each other on. I'm not sure what I did but to hurt her because she never let me know why. I can't stop thinking about her. Every day it's the same thoughts, and same feeling of emptiness. Anyone got any tips to get over her?
| 2 |
My father isn't feeling well
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I don't know how to help my father. He is completely sure that someone is spying on him and taking money from him. It came to a point where he thinks that even his friends are betraying him. When he tells me these things I don't really know what to say, I'm afraid he would think I'm betraying him if I tell him to seek help. Please give me any advice on how to make him understand that he's suffering from delusions.
| 1 |
15 yr old w depression and anxiety
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I feel like my life has just started and I want it to end already… for loads of you thinking I’m being ‘cringe’ and I don’t rlly suffer, just hear me out. I’m 15 years old and I am a boy. I bottle my emotions up as I don’t want to embarrass myself, I can smile and laugh throughout the day however when I am alone in my room at night I feel numb and sad. I go to a private school and i am not very smart, I am there for my sporting abilities. My school and family put an unbelievable amount of pressure on me and im struggling to keep expectations. I feel as if I am a failure. Yesterday I was out with my friends and we were drinking and smoking, when I got in the car with my mum my emotions came out. I cried in the car and told her everything, she doesn’t listen to me. She says it’s hormones. Little does she know I vomit multiple times a week due to my anxiety. My anxiety has created feelings I didn’t know I could feel. I feel broken and I just need somebody to talk to.
| 1 |
How to navigate a needy and depressive friend?
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Not even a close friend. I (41M) knew her husband through work and I don't even see him much, maybe twice since Covid. She has major mental health issues including a suicide attempt and was signed off work last year. She has two kids.
I met her for coffee once (her husband's idea) and she wanted to turn it into a day-long drinking session (I don't drink).
To say she overshares in an understatement, and there's nothing wrong with that per se, but I've found it draining and awkward for some time now. I think because I struggle with depression and sometimes overshare myself, people tend to latch on to me.
For example of how it gets too much, I told her I miss hugging in relationships (I've been single for a while) and she suggested we me up and hug (!!!) She also suggested going for a swim together. She's always texting me and wanting to hang out and I just cannot give that to her.
For added context, I have a very overbearing mother and whenever someone gets like this with me I'm perhaps reminded of that and want to run away.
I feel bad because obviously she is struggling. I'm not sure what I'm asking here exactly - "how do I get her off my back?" seems too callous. Any general tips on how I should handle this situation?
| 1 |
Therapy (Week 3)
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Third week/third session at my new therapist.
Still waiting and wondering what will be discussed today. Also have my first med check in years. Curious what they’ll do medication wise for me and how that journey will be.
| 1 |
I feel terrible for asking this
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But I just want to know what others might think might be the reason for this?
Long story short my dad is a child molester and back when we were kids he molested all my sisters but not me, but I cant help but wonder why? I feel like such a self centered cunt to even wonder or contemplate why, I should just be grateful that I didnt have to experience something so horrific and its not that i want to have experienced it, I just wonder why was I left out? i cant help but feel like its because i was always the most hideous out of all of my sisters (my sisters let me know too by telling me i’m the ugliest, even strangers call me ugly and former friends)
I feel shit for typing this and want to die. I cant believe what an awful person I have become to even post this what the fuck
| 5 |
Hi I am doing fine
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I told my aunt about my situation.. I realized it was religion that sets me off and I try to avoid talking about it. I have stopped self harming and I try not to automatically do it when I feel a ounce of panicky.
| 2 |
Need some advice regarding... what's happening to me.
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Hey, I'm 30M (and this account is a burner account, for soon obvious reasons), and need some advice regarding my mental health. (Also, sorry for my bad english.)
2 years ago, in covid-19 times, I found out that I got arrhythmia (Ventricular extrasystoles, don't know how to translate that correctly) and I got it in a rough time- I was drinking a lot, gained a lot weight from working from home, and I was with a girl who had prescribed anti depressants and didn't take them (we broke up after 2-3 months after i found out), and my work was extra stressful (I work in cybersecurity/IT). At that time, I also had a lot of anxiety that my current organization will go bankrupt, and it felt that I was literally used in that job, but i was still afraid that I wouldn't get a job anywhere else. But after I left my ex, I also switched jobs and went to work with one of my friends.
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After I left the organization, I went to cardiologist, e.c. but didn't go to therapist or psychologist, I kind of felt fine, I still could function after leaving my previous job, and I felt happy, I even got together with my current girlfriend.
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But, lately, at least in this year, it starts to feel like I need an actual help. I'm still on heart medication, I still drink alcohol a lot (but started to cut back), and in last months there has been some problems, like- problems sleeping, trying to sleep but waking up because you can't breathe or you just forget how to breathe, I've starting to loose any interest in my hobbies and I am getting a lot slower in my work (sometimes I just don't do it, or I just finish my work in 1-2 hours and call it 3 days work), I always panic and think if I've locked the door (and go check it 3 times), I still triple/quadruple check if everything is correct. I'm getting anxious that my relationship with girlfriend will deteriorate soon (from her words, i'm starting to be less interested in anything, just nodding, saying "uh-uh" but I'm not invested in the conversation. I do love her, but I just don't see when this happens) and also I'm now afraid of my job, because how lazy I got, and I sitll think that getting a job for me will be problematic, if I'll be this lazy. even in my 30th birthday I just sat alone, without my girlfriend, drank some beers, played some games and went to sleep.
TL;DR:
I'm just starting to think I need a professional help (perhaps even medication, for... anxiety, because it might be one of the reasons why i got arythmia?). And I Just want to understand- should I go to psychotherapist, or a psychiatrist, or exorcist? I know that I need help, but I don't understand, where to start, where to go, where to ask questions. I don't like to talk about these topics, because it's still stigmatized and the only medicine is to "drink it away", but it ain't helping.
| 1 |
Is it possible that my sense of smell is much stronger than the average because of trauma?
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This only relates to cigarettes, I am able to smell one from far away. For example, when my mom smokes on the balcony, there's a bedroom and a long hallway separating us from my room, I sense it and when I go check she is really smoking. And my door is aways closed, too! I don't smell it perfectly but its more of a sensation I feel for 1 second; I suppose it is because cigarettes have played a big (negative) role in my childhood, but I wanted to know if there was scientific proof of this being an actual phenomenon. Or if any of you relates, that's fine too.
| 1 |
I’m jealous of my husband.
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TLDR; My husband (29m) and I (28f) have been together/married 9 years. He’s awesome. Which is the problem. He’s just a happy, laid-back, positive guy. And I am the opposite. Im anxious, on all sorts of meds, and assume the worst. Opposite attract, right?
This past weekend just slapped me in the face with how different we are. We were at the lake house with some people we knew and some we didn’t. Husband immediately makes friends with everyone. They go fishing, he fixed something on one of their trucks, they’re all BFFs now. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to cry at how I look in my bathing suit, overthinking every single thing I say and getting mad when I say weird shit or do something i think people think is odd. It’s exhausting. Literally, I’m always getting headaches and trying to stay awake because I think I wear myself out from constant critiquing. But on the last day I finally broke down and cried (no one saw) because they were all wanting to get on a float as a group and I was dreading it. I was so sleepy, knew all I would do is compare myself to everyone else, and feel like a loser. Then I start to worry my husband is embarrassed that his wife is the weirdo not joining in (he’s never once actually made me think that he feels that way, he’s very understanding but it’s not the same coming from someone who’s never felt like that). But sometimes I can’t help and be bitter and jealous of how easy things are for him. I also feel like I hold him back from doing things because I’m always clinging to him or asking him to not leave me alone with people which makes me feel so shitty for depending on someone so much. As we’ve gotten older, I honestly feel like my social anxiety has gotten worse and the fact I’m always sleepy. It’s become a personality trait at this point, but not a fun one. So I make us miss out on things because I can’t make myself get up and get out of the house. Then that internal battle of “be the tired loser who stays in on the Fourth of July” vs “force myself to go out and probably think about all the awkward things I did and said the rest of the night”.
But my main concern right now is not taking it out on my husband. There’s a reason I and everyone else love him. All his wonderful traits just make me realize how few I have and I don’t want to become bitter towards him for just being who he is. It’s not his fault I suck.
| 1 |
Why do I always under react
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Whenever something really good or something really exciting happens I just don’t really care. Something really good happens to me? I pretend to be happy because I noticed that it makes people happy when you react happily about something good like them giving you a gift or smth. Whenever I receive affection I cringe like every time someone tells me they appreciate me or sends me a whole essay saying nice things about me I just cringe and it makes me feel bad that I can’t appreciate them (which I do try to show them a lot) but deep inside it just feels fake or not genuine and it makes me feel so bad. It’s been so long since I’ve felt genuinely connected to someone and it makes me feel like a really shit person but not really cause for some reason I just don’t care?? I don’t remember when this started but I do remember that I’ve always been somewhat detached or different I think. But I remember I did care for some people back then and I don’t know how or why that’s not the case anymore and ik I sound like a total piece of dirt but I can’t control it and I don’t know if I hate it or not because on one hand it’s good that I don’t form connections because people always does some type of stuff to hurt you and on the other it just feels a little wrong.
| 3 |
Does anyone else find doing the dishes overwhelming?
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I've never been diagnosed with anything, but for my whole life I've noticed I absolutely hate touching dirty dishes. It's even worse when I accidentally touch some food that was left on them. This doesn't happen when I need to take the dishes back out;, I'm completely fine with clean dishes. For the past year I started wearing gloves while doing the dishes, but my family finds it weird so I only do it when I'm alone.
Whenever I have to put the dishes in, I try to not touch them as much as I can, holding them with two fingers like its a dead rat. Then I grit my teeth for the whole thing and breathe heavily through my nose as I fight the urge to curl up into a ball and cry lol. Ten times worse if the dishes have a bad smell.
My mom says I'm dramatic so I wanted to know if shes right and this is just a me thing or anyone else also experiencing it?
| 1 |
Please, I really need someone's perspective, anyone
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Hello everyone, I am 17 and I feel like my mind will burst into a thousand peices. I have been going through something (I really don't know what to think of this) since February I guess. I'm sorry for this long message. First off I am extremely confused with my emotions. **I don't know if I have a mental health issue or if this is just something random.** I know I am a teenager and can have emotional disturbance due to hormones and this might be a part of that but that just confuses me more. See this is also how I overthink.
I have literally tried everything, I have confided in my friends - They have consoled me, supported me, and everything but I just can't seem to believe them. I feel so guilty when I share things with them, it just isn't working out. I also feel like I'm making a big issue out of things.
I've also talked to my parents and family members. I haven't been able to explain them properly or as consistently but I have tried but they dont understand the depth of what it is, how could they, I can't explain it to them or even myself.
I also went to a therapist once, but she just took 5 minutes and did the two-week mental health assessment and said that I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like I couldn't explain my thoughts and emotions to her properly. I really dont know.
It has formed kind of like a wavy pattern. For a few days it's so bad, to the extent of suicidal ideation even but then I start getting better and think that ok that was nothing just me overthinking but it comes back. Even worse at times. But in times when it's not there I do have good moments. This is so hard. I feel sad half of the time and I dont even know whyyy. I can't focus on work but then I wonder if I'm just using this as an excuse for my laziness. I have exams coming up and I'm so scared.
| 1 |
OCD - How do you guys deal with repetitive, potentially harmful compulsions?
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I want to hear someone's opinions or experiences. I've been diagnosed with OCD a few years back and the therapist said that based on my childhood, I've had it since I was a young kid. I don't have the stereotypical clean-freak type of symptoms. Very often, I have the urge to "fix" things or parts of my body, because they just feel wrong, foreign. That's one of the reasons I'm wearing glasses, as I've strained my eye muscles so much, they became weaker and thus, my vision suffered. Now I'm facing another problem. I have back pains, and I started exercising and that helps, but my spine feels wrong, my ribs feel off. They feel like foreign objects that also cause me pain. I can't stop trying to fix it, crack my bones, but I'm just making everything worse. Anyone has any advice on how to deal with this?
Just to add, I am taking medication but started lowering doses following my doctor's guidance. Recently I've endured an enormous amount of stress, and I do tend to have worse reactions when I'm like that. I just can't seem to find any ways to make this a bit easier. I know there is no real cure for ocd, but I know at least it can be treated to an extent.
| 1 |
Am i the wrong one here?
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I don't really know what's happening to me but I'm starting to question my own thoughts slightly...why do I feel like everybody is against me meaning they don't care about how I am and what I do and the condition I'm in...all i have is me ...I have to help myself even though I feel like dying....
When I was 18 I went to a couple of psychiatrists and one prescribed me with vortidif 10 mg and the other gave sertaline and said this is just like paracetamol...I knew what I had to do but i didn't have any energy to do them...so these pills would give me the motivation positivity and energy ...but the side effects were too much...they made me nauseous all the time...and after a while ever though I was taking the pills they didn't help me ...I still felt like shit...so I stopped....
And all this started during COVID ...as i was alone in my room all the times...I started to think how i was ill treated when I was young..my relatives would say bad about my mom I was around 8-11 yrs old when this all happened...so innately as a kid I would go n say to my mom and these people started calling me as gossip girl and they kind of kept me away when they were talking...they used to make fun of my nose they say it's big like a box etc...my childhood was shitty...when I say to my dad he wouldn't take all this seriously he would just ask me to brush it off...but I was a kid who didn't know how to do all this...i became so quite...i didn't trust anyone, i spoke so little...I didn't know how to stand up for myself at that time noone else did for me too
I'm 19 yrs old now...but when I think about my childhood and how they treated me n everything...I don't feel like going to get together with my relatives...what should I do...
Am I being wrong here ...pls share your opinions I'm struggling a lot🥺
| 1 |
should i tell my therapist about suicidal thoughts and s/h?
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i am just starting therapy and i know it’s early on to think this but i’m trying to decide if it’s a good idea or not. i wanna be open and honest about everything but i don’t want to get sent to a hospital because i know i don’t need it. i have 0 plans to actually do it and i do not want to. it happens when im in a certain head space, if something around me happened to trigger it because i get rlly intense emotions, or if i feel like my life’s not going anywhere.
i also wanna know if it’s a good idea to tell her that i have problems with urges to s/h. i have done it and still do from time to time when i’m in a rlly bad place or if i get into these certain head spaces. i have a lot of problems managing emotions and they can get very intense and it’s all i can think about during these times.
| 2 |
Do you have to do a physical for telepsychiatry?
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I had heard that a lot of psychiatrist do a physical to get a baseline of your blood pressure, weight, and temperature, but since that can’t be done over telepsychiatry how exactly does that work?
| 1 |
Should I Study After Highschool?
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Hi. A little about me. I'm 15 and I am diagnosed with GAD, OCD and Bipolar. I'm in the middle of maybe geting a ADHD diagnosis. I don't think I will be able to study for 5 years at university to become a therapist, I truly don't. So should I settle for a job right after high school? I'm not looking for some "I belive in you" I'm looking for a genuine awnser, couse I don't wanna waste my money and then drop out.
| 1 |
it feels easier to be sad than to be happy
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is it bad that i feel it’s just easier to be sad than to be happy? i don’t understand myself to be honest
| 1 |
20M, Never been in love;
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Never nearly been in a position that I see any one would love me or will be my partner. In the start i was fine with it and considered my self UNLOVEABLE happily but now I realise that this has made me arrogant, full of hatred and not caring about any relationship(friendship,all others).
| 3 |
I don’t even have energy to write a note
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I found that writing notes as if I was about to commit suicide is helpful for me. Tonight I fought with my parent, and she says she gives up on me. I have too. I have 33 Benadryl, some hydroxizine and some prozac. Idk if it would kill me in fact I don’t think it would. So I want to write a note. But I’m too tired. I have no one to talk to. My mom is reaching out to anyone I would want to stay with and telling them not to let me. My therapist literally told me to run away.
| 5 |
saw a psychiatrist for the first time and didn't like it
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so my mental health has recently been awful and one panic attack led to me opening up to my parents about everything which led them to finding me a psychiatrist, but i didn't find it super helpful.
my psychiatrist just sounded so uninterested and unfriendly. she spent most of the time telling me that it was my phone and that i should just use it less (which i get since she asked me what i did everyday and i told her that i don't do much but use my gadgets) but her advice just felt so.. incomplete to me? she didn't even tell me or my mom my diagnosis until my mom asked (she told my mom i had depression and anxiety). aside from the advice i didn't find super helpful (she told me to find new hobbies after i told her it was hard to get myself to be interested in anything anymore, told me to sleep earlier, etc..) she only gave me medicine for anxiety, but nothing at all for my depression. just blamed it on my phone. she said she had lots of patients like me who just needed to get off their phone. i ended up crying and feeling even worse after. it's my first time seeing a psychiatrist and i just wanted to vent and idk ask if this is normal? ive been searching around too, and from what ive read it might be because im looking for a therapist, but even though that might be more suitable for me, i just didn't like my psychiatrist's advice and prescription either
edit: just wanted to add as well that i expected her to ask way more about me but she just focused so much on me being on my phone too much. she focused more on what i did (or don't do) rather than how i feel
| 1 |
idk what I should do
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Social anxiety is screwing me up and I'm becoming as if mute. It's hard to talk. What should I do?
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I feel like such a failure
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Hey all, this is my first post on this subreddit just because I am all out of options and really need some help atm.
For the past year I haven’t shaken the feelings that I have been a massive failure. I’m a 20 year old dude, and I haven’t progressed anywhere in work in the past few years and I am aiming down the barrel of failing a one year online course for a certificate disability because I was lazy and too burnt out to attempt some tasks for it. I can’t help but get the feeling that since I left high school about 3 years ago that I have made nothing just mistakes and despite having a girlfriend and family that believe in me, I’m getting nowhere in life and just letting everyone down and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to disappoint everyone and make them feel like they have to prop me up. I don’t want to be a failure. What do I do? I feel like I’m all out of options for the moment. Please help because I feel like I’m at the end of my rope and idk what else to do. I feel alone in all of this and don’t know how much more I can do. I hate this so much
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I don’t know how much longer I can take this
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It’s so annoying having to deal with insomnia/sleep anxiety along with DPDR which has messed with my perception of time making it feel faster which has worsened my sleep anxiety as I’m constantly wondering how many hours I have left to sleep and I often struggle to even try and sleep cause when I try to close my eyes I just feel like the time is going to go so fast. Having anxiety about this makes me feel like a stupid idiot but it really is affecting my every day life I haven’t been to the gym in a week because of it and no matter how hard I try I can’t take my mind of sleep and how long I have left before I have to sleep. I’m just dumping all this on here because I really could use some advice or even reassurance that I’m not alone and that someone else is experiencing this thing because I’ve been searching all over the place and haven’t really found anything that really relates with me
| 1 |
Realizing I’m a bit fucked up
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Ok so I’m not used to this type of thing but I’m finally realizing at f21 yrs that my parents, while they love me and did their best with what they knew, kinda failed me for life. I feel extreme guilt bc I don’t hate them honestly I had a great childhood not too permissive or strict but I had no STRUCTURE. I never realized how detrimental structure is for a child. I begged hard enough and got a phone 2 yrs earlier than my older sister. Ate what I wanted. They were very protective and a bit paranoid over my safety. To where I couldn’t ride my bike past the house or be without a babysitter until I was 14. Granted I still did a few things here and there like lie about where I was bc I just wanted to have some fun. I think I’ve developed some sort of covert narcissism. I never did my own laundry till 20. Always asked for advice. I’ve basically been a toddler with a few adult instincts and being with my partner that way has taken a toll on him. I mean life is just a struggle when u have no life skills ya know.Remapping ur brain sucks. Cleaning up other people’s work sucks. But I gotta do it. I guess this was a rant and maybe a pat on the shoulder for others sharing my struggle. Thanks for reading. Peace
| 5 |
just need advice
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how do you do it? i recently just moved away from my parents house. i’ve always struggled with depression and moving away definitely lifted up my spirits for a little bit. but this morning i got some bills in the mail, and i cannot afford them. well i can afford them, i’ll just be left with basically no money at all. i have a job interview in a few days and the wait is killing me. i have been sat here thinking about how this will be my life forever, worrying about money and bills and taxes and fees, and then even more that doesn’t have to do with money so i genuinely wonder how does one make it through life with these pressures. i’ve always said to myself i’m not a suicidal person, but the last week to week and a half random thoughts like these have been appearing and it’s scary, i don’t know if i can handle the pressure. please give advice
| 1 |
If you need someone to talk to <3
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Hi everyone,
I hope you’re doing okay. My name is Ace (23M), and I’ve struggled with mental health issues for most of my life. Fortunately, I’m in a much better place now. I never really opened up to anyone, including my family or friends, about my struggles because I didn’t want to feel like a burden or judged. Now that I’m doing better, I would like to provide support to others who may be going through similar experiences. I know how difficult it can be to face all these challenges alone. If you need someone to talk to/vent to, please feel free to reach out via DM or Discord; my contact information is available on my profile.
Warm regards,
Ace (:
| 6 |
Mental health in America is so sad.
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I get off work at 5 and have a therapy appointment at 6. It's not worth it to drive Home then turn around and drive back. So I get to my appointment 45 minutes early and sit in the parking lot
In that time I've seen 6 people walk out of the office and walk across the street and get in their car that's parked in a different parking lot. I can only assume it's because they are ashamed to be at the therapist. It's just sad
| 11 |
TW: Weird or overthinking?
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My aunt, I’m in my late 20s said to let her know if I ever went to come over but why? What is there to do 😕
| 1 |
Self-love/positive subreddits
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Can anyone recommend some subreddits that are about self love, confidence, positive affirmations, etc?
I'm starting to wonder if following multiple mental health based subreddits is actually having a further negative effect on me, as every time I open reddit I'm just reading negative posts.
If anyone can recommend what I can follow to try and help change my mindset that would be great!
| 3 |
How do I get over the sh I did a while ago?
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TW: sh (if title didn't give it away).
The remnants aren't super obvious at all- not pigmented and very thin, just a bit raised.
Problem is, some of them are in visible places, and it really bothers me. I feel like I didn't really earn them, so it's not like a "oh, you're so brave for dealing with that" type of thing. I did it off and on for a few years, and I was in bad company at the time. Not that serious.
I'm really looking forward to continuing my new chapter, but I get really down sometimes when I realise they're visible. I think you'd have to look to see them, but it bothers me that strangers (and even my parents- my mum knew) can see my vulnerability.
Any ideas on how to cope with this/ make them less visible still? Not sure if there's any way to get rid of the bumps, but since they're not too bumpy, I'd take any advice about serums or things to try.
I've been really down about it, and it seems a shame to suffer twice, having already done that bit (with the obvious evidence).
| 1 |
I relapsed with self harm
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It was nothing serious, just a minor cut but I feel like I fell down that pit again
| 3 |
My mom hates me
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Let me start off with an apology for the long explanation. I’m stressed that my mom’s gonna hate me forever. Four years ago I took over the mortgage and ownership of the family house after my grandma needed to go into assisted living. We had the agreement that if the house ever sold that I would be reimbursed for the amount that I had put into it, my mom is severely disabled, multiple back disabilities, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, etc. The house originally was bought by my grandma so that my mom and her children(me and my siblings) wouldn’t end up homeless. I put over $50,000 into the house since I took over and have got myself into debt trying to keep my head above water as I am taking care of everything from bills to assisting my disabled mother. We are now selling the house and my mom was going to get over $230,000 to help her restart her life and deal with it what she will so that she can live comfortably. I will be getting the $50,000 that I’ve put into it however, She’s now accusing me of wanting more than I should and because she can’t find a house to be fully paid off for $230,000 that all I care about is moving on with my life and it doesn’t matter to me if she ends up homeless because she can’t fully pay off the house. My mom also has bipolar disorder and PTSD. When she’s thinking rationally, she is a lovely woman. However, when she has an episode, she is not rational, and does not see things in any kind of realistic manner. She has packed her bags and left and has said she wants nothing to do with me or my grandma and would rather die on the street than accept any help from me or her. I love her I’ve always been there for her and I don’t know what to do. I want to start my life with my soon to be wife but this has me very messed up and feeling hurt.
| 2 |
I don’t like happiness.
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I was diagnosed with depression a while ago and rarely feel happiness, but when I do I don’t like how it feels. It feels like I don’t have any control over what I say or do. I went to a school counselor and nurse for answers but they dismissed it as if I was joking or something.
[(My counselor said my “happiness” part of my brain had given up on life..)]
This has been going on for 2 years now and I’ve given up on even trying to like things anymore at this point and just accepted that I don’t wanna be happy.
Nowadays I mostly only feel apathy and sadness.
If anyone has an answer to why I feel like this please let me know cause no way this is normal
(From Sweden btw)
| 9 |
It's too late for me to redeem myself and I might just die off the natural way making it less tragic
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Part 1
I feel as people don't believe me and I feel like others out there have the same and honestly, I rely on negativity as I am more used to it. Yeah, yeah I am a prick for thinking about, hurting myself and ignore my family so yeah. Either way when I was at the mental hospital, I had to hide my anger and sadness.
truth be told, I was talking for a while with patients in the reception area but, I didn't really want to be near people and honestly, when I was waiting, I was in a room isolating myself thinking about punching myself until I left left arm a mark do purple and red that it looks like it burns and I dented my jaw pushing my palms karate style on both sides next to my chin. also, my face also got marked to so yeah.
Either Way, I gave no rats ass and worse at the end and start of being in the mental hospital no one really understood how close I was to holding or strangling a roommate hostage and I was forced to endure social anxiety and even being near people and staff disgusted me and I was not positive but, I played along as the mental health system doesn't care if I am depressed or angry or even both so yeah I never cared to be positive at all and I played along and acted safe as the mental hospital wasn't a real help. So I was released with mood stabilizers and whatever.
So I am not really the one who knows my meds but, my mom.
Either way, let's focus on the present day, as I am done and fuck it no method works and I rather not take antidepressants as that is too pathetic and I rather not rely on them anyways.
Either way, if anyone reading this finds this, I might be in jail or in the mental hospital or going on with my day still hating my existence and everyone's as I am tired of living or dead or nonliving organisms in this world that I'd should've not been born.
so yeah fuck it am I really crossing the line by saying fuck you and fuck me and fuck it all.
Either way I need to go on with my day and continue abusing my body with overworking it or over drinking energy drinks and probably the typical self punching and self slitting and self burning. Bye~
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Part 2
Honestly, I am not a nice person and honestly the way my toddler life and child life and pre teen life and teen hood to legal adult age which already passed and I am nineteen and on February 12 I'll be 20.
Either way as I was a toddler most of my teachers assumed my severe autism backthen was violence and stuff and I am not comfortable explaining the fucked up shit and normal shit so yeah that was until, fifth grade and then things got normal. But, I forgot to mention my mom took my brother's ADHD pills and used it as a drug probably the equivalent to cocaine and some shit.
Either way she did act too much less strict and even not much interaction and still had a roof over my head and honestly she was traumatized in her past and I rather not say as I have some respect for my mom.
Either way, she always hit me threatened to give me and my brother away and even slept but, hey she was still my mom and she cared but, she started to act weird and barricade the front door and hallucinate probably from the lack of sleep and ADHD pills addiction. So I will skip that as I am already pissed with her and drugs and my family.
So yeah when I was about eighteen, I found some games that are adult stuff and you know. So I did play those and some of it kinda turned me more bitter and depressed and yes I do inflict trauma on myself and I try to not do so but, it is tempting and shit.
Okay, now when I played that adult stuff games on my phone one made me lose trust and I never confessed it to my uncle when I had a panic attack on 2022 new years as I was drunk and partying and oblivious women were hitting on me and when my uncle said it I had a panic attack thinking stranger danger.
Let's skip a the rest of 2022 as that was the same self inflicted trauma or hatred and negativity or both to satisfy my mentality and anxiety along with to block my predicament on relying on negativity which I was in denial for as I saw it as the norm and abuse is normal and physical harm and threats and even, lack of independence and being controlled and gaslit and yelled at.
It makes me feel more at home that I can't think of anyway to adapt to the new life I have and the past I'd had but, I only thought dismiss my depression and bitterness and my emotions and go on with my day like non of it exists.
or respond and be paranoid and panic and think too much about what's going to happen and not be able to handle my day or night well.
So yeah even when I got medical stuff happen to me it stressed me as I used to have a job and it made me stressed to the point where I was paranoid that I would get sick or mentally ill or worse injured with a cast or wheel chair.
So yeah I thought maybe I could pretend it doesn't exist and abuse myself by ignoring my doctor's orders and therapist or mom who is now clean and good no longer on the drugs which was when I was at seventeen years of age.
Either way, I am saying during 2022 I was working and I had to deal with a boomer and he was a bigot and sexist and worse he has a wife and he flirts with women. But, he did harass my brother and I was in denial thinking it's normal and yes it was a toxic work environment.
somewhere around summer I had a surgery which was a hydrocele and I was mentally and emotionally anxious and depressed and I was typically feeling this sense of bloodlust and hatred along with frustration that I couldn't work without having a stupid medical leave and worse of all is therapy which is pointless to me.
and let's skip to November as that was the worse month finally was thinking of suicide is self harm and I was in bed but, I panicked and told my mom I need to be hospitalized and she agreed.
Worse part was when I was out I still felt depressed and worse some anger too from how fucked up reception staff are to patients waiting to be sent up stairs to the "ward" and yeah that is the simple term for troubled people which probably suits better and yes staff are pieces of fucking shit in the waiting room and I saw a dude get treated like shit and also the dude was a piece of shit but, the staff escalated it by responding back with sarcasm and insults and typically being what I call scum in a interrogation room.
So when I am out I feel unsafe to go back to work as I wasn't on my feet so yeah I hate myself and even now I hate myself.
So December, I go back to self harm and punching and hating myself and avoiding others and only hating all living and dead things in this world becoming bitter of never working as a janitor at a base again as I was in a fucking mental hospital and when I was out which was overnight, I quit my job not even given time to be back on my feet. So December goes normal and I punch my face in the shower and my arms and gut.
So time passes and I play ignorant not caring about what I do and honestly, when I went to therapy with a new therapist, this therapist saved my life and honestly I was in the ward again but, a different one and again I was anti people person still being nice enough to blend in to make talk with the patients like me in the waiting room and I still was pissed with myself and honestly I did wall push ups and muttered shit about my deadbeat father and wanting to hurt someone.
And obviously, I needed to be in a another room to punch myself and stay the fuck away from others and honestly, one staff dude thought I was fucking faking it and I wanted to follow that fucker home to reconsider those words and he is a egocentric employee if anything he was scared of me and I didn't want to hurt him or anyone even, though I wanted to hurt him and everyone whenever the opportunity hit.
So when I threatened him that I follow him home and I looked serious at the time, he instead replies with, "are you threatening me? You want to go to jail and be behind bars."
I stayed silent still looking him in the eye and I didn't give a rats ass as he fucked with me and used another patient to fuck with me and pretend to neglect the patient. Either way that Also makes my blood boil now.
So when I am in the unit I go to my room and pace and even isolate myself from the unit for my sakes but, I cried myself telling myself I failed in life and I failed my family and everything.
Either way the staff didn't care and probably if they did they couldn't do much and honestly, I didn't mind the staff in the unit.
Though a patient driven me nuts and I wanted to strangle him in his sleep.
So instead I made compromise to hurt myself in my room with bashing myself in the wall and window and even, punching myself.
So yeah I gave no shits along with being in the seclusion room as honestly, I didn't care anymore. Time passed and I made a friend and I kinda turned not depressed and was discharged.
Later it is January, 2023 and I am already thinking about, disturbing thoughts that I laugh about like playing music in the background while giving a person a autopsy while they are alive making sure to sing funky town and yes I know it is funny how dead people are displayed as sculptures.
So yeah I have disturbing thoughts and worse disturbing drawings and I sleep and dream of killing people and being abused and killed and yes I do rip and tear at animals and hell hounds and dogs and humans and anything I see in my dreams.
So yeah I think about, violence and I try to find more reasons not to trust people at all.
Now today I woke up from your everyday bloody dream which is normal standards. I get up and pace for a bit and then I punch myself and slit myself and yeah I have a boo boo so what.
So yeah I think self harm exists and I think I need help and honestly I will not get help as it brings more problems. but, what do you people think I should do if I am tired of all things?
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Part 3
Okay I still haven't learned my lesson with self harm and I consider myself to be not depressed but, hey fuck it I don't need to follow the damn medical requirements to diagnose me with that sad or crazy shit.
So if anyone who works in mental health see's this post will have to know that I failed them and they didn't fail me so yeah it is the coin flipped and I have bashed my skull too many times I barely count as I sometimes blackout and things go white for a few seconds and I go on with my day.
Either way I am not sure if anyone knows how many kids I encouraged to misbehave and misguide them to do bad in life.
And I do gaslight kids but, I do screw with couples or anyone when playing online to the point where I am doing good at making them look like assholes in the server.
Though I do make lots of jokes and mainly they are rape jokes, army jokes, monkey jokes, sex jokes, pedo jokes, tragedy jokes, movie jokes, name jokes, gender jokes, space jokes, Texas jokes, seizure jokes, emasculation jokes and ECT.
Worse part is I draw lots of gore and lots of porn and lots of alcoholic comics that probably shouldn't be allowed on television or on anything in general.
I also think that self harm is the solution to all my problems if I have no job and nothing in my life and probably and rarely I might harm someone.
So yeah I am a positive guy unless I have nothing to lose which for now I do not.
So that narrows what type of person I am and yes I am nineteen and once I am twenty one years old, I will start over drinking and having energy drinks at the same time and probably vape and yeah I live in the united states so I will wait but, yeah that is the type of person I am.
Nice but, not nice.
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Part 4
Okay days ago, I was the typical depressed guy who self hates myself in dozens of ways that I pushed away the support and help because, I don't have a job and I am typically living with my mom and shit and yeah I am nineteen years of age and honestly, I want to move out so I can die off and somehow abandon my family.
and sadly I am diagnosed with autism, ADHD, bipolar, Schitzoaffective, anxiety, turrets, PTSD from abuse and probably stupidity on my side as I grew up to the present day which I now do as self induced and yeah I had a history of self harm and rare circumstances of suicide attempts in my highschool days.
Now to the present day and I am here just typing and finishing well, poking myself with my switch blade which my mom didn't confiscate.
So I am glad to say I stopped punching myself and yeah yeah I am working on no longer poking myself with my switchblade and I know what you guys are gonna say I need help or therapy or I am crazy or I am bluffing or I need to get my crap together.
So yeah funny part I do go to therapy and I am being straight up with the truth which I feel like I need to give to prove a point that I am being honest about it and I don't need help and honestly, I don't think no ward wants to help me and instead they always fail to understand that I am very patient with them and when I am out I am more depressed or angry to the point where I am self harming myself to solve my problems so yeah screw them as they don't care about patients with anxiety and I rather not go back in a million years!!!
So I guess we narrow down what I am and yes I am crazy on my opinion.
So yeah currently, I am going to therapy and I do hope I get my job so yeah I am getting myself away from negativity and I will make a another post soon if I get employed and I need to get my therapy going at 2:30 at noon and it is currently, 10:10 in the morning. So I need to get ready and probably slack off or clean a bit.
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Part 5
Okay I should say that I had more severe depression on early November and early December 2022.
and I was not doing good as the first time I was thrown back to the general population and prescribed with anti depressants on early November. Problem was that I had social anxiety and lots of fear of questioning my life and if I should've been born and ECT.
I didn't really trust anyone and one day on early December I told my therapist and I still am thankful my therapist helped me evaluate myself and it gave me a little bit of a reason to trust others.
But, as I was in the reception area of the ward, I talked to keep my dark thoughts and emotions away and urges to self harm or harm the patients like me in the reception area or staff.
But, I talked and flexed and tried to keep myself from having an anxiety attack or an emotional breakdown which honestly, I learned to bottle it up. to like the typical Mexican family tradition and crap.
So I tried to hide in the restroom away from the staff and patients as I felt like I might have an anxiety attack.
So a staff says for me to get out of the restroom as others got to use it and I comply.
still concealing my anxiety as I am in the hallway of the reception area but, I see someone leave the mini room and I immediately go in to avoid the patients in the reception area and I sit for hours until, I am punching myself and staring at people from the window until, I see a red button with a red light.
I am hesitant at first and I test if it does anything and when I hear nothing and nothing happens for a tense few amount of minutes.
I leave it on until, a staff checks on me and I assume it's just the staff checking on me so I press it again and then they tell me to stop pushing that red button and I say, "it does nothing and I don't hear anything."
The staff dude named, "dickhead" says, "it triggers an alarm in our room and you know this and you noticed the staff tell you not to do so." I reply in shock and guilt, "I didn't -" dickhead cuts me off and says, "stop lying your clearly intelligent."
So I sigh and now anxious I push other buttons in the reception area until dickhead says, "stop touching!"
I sigh in sadness and anxiety and I keep pushing the nonfunctional buttons and again he says, "don't touch that! and don't touch anything and there will be problems!"
I smirk in annoyance and clearly touch the button again and I chuckle at my smartness until, dickhead says, "don't touch anything and keep your hands to yourself!" I reply with a smirk, "oh yeah~ you mean put my hands down my pants~"
dickhead says, with frustration, "no! In your pockets unless you want problems!"
I say smirking, "oh I see~ I should put my hands in my pockets~!"
Dickhead in defeat flees back to the nurses station and I start singing pumped up kicks and yes I muttered some disturbing stuff to keep myself from hurting others or myself some more even though, I don't have a room to hide in.
So hours later and dickhead seemly neglected a patient but, it was just dickhead joking around and honestly, I respond mainly mad at dickhead more than anyone and I yelled at him and I threatened to get his license plate and find his house and even follow him home and kill him and I even, called him ignorant for assuming I am faking it.
and I stand as far away from dickhead until, I am in the unit. The rest of the the night when I was in the unit I waited until, morning to isolate myself and have an emotional breakdown and yes the first day was shit and I skipped my meals and I avoided the patients and staff.
Either way, days pass and my depression mellows down and I typically bash my head on the sink and I abuse the heck out of the staff and call them out for not keeping their word on certain patients that misbehave shouldn't have a smoke break.
So yeah I was accused of racism by a random patient and I barely interacted with any patients or staff unless I am passing by or in group therapy and I don't even talk to them or attack them. And I clearly feel bad for the patients and hate them but, I think the only patients I got along with actually had stuff in common like me and my brother who is a weeb or otaku or the nerd guy who has lots of interesting backstories about his experiences at wards and working at GameStop.
So yeah let's get to the part where I am have those few patients that actually were a bigger help than the staff and no offense on staff and yeah one became my friend and we have each others back so. Let's skip the ward part as I explained enough.
Okay present day I am still doing a good job on failing but, today I am finally able to get my shit fixed and I am gonna do some job applications on the Texas workforce program tomorrow and I have therapy today and I am finally able to mellow down and I might just need help with my past and my regrets and hatred along with bitterness.
So yeah I am currently here texting again from my previous post and it is 1:12 in the afternoon and I have therapy at 2:30 at the afternoon.
So yeah I am sure I have a lot of learning to do with myself and I hope I can give more of my progress and surprisingly even, agrees that I should continue therapy and get the help I need and I will get the help required as I know that I am typically, stalling the darkness in me while hoping the lights don't die out before my darker self takes over.
And obviously, I am finally learning to embrace the negativity and now I must embrace my positive self which is the person who wants to make people happy, laugh and even, comfort others and spend time whenever no one else can and even give gifts.
Yeah, I may have strayed away from my old positive wholesome self but, I think I have a chance and now I can redeem myself and make a better person than my previous self who flew to high to the sun and became that negative person.
And now I feel like I have found hope and I will get a job and I will continue realizing that what I wrote might have brought me back to my feet and I am back and have spread my wings like a Phoenix.
So I guess I will get my job and I hope to tell you guys and gals if I am able to succeed on my goals. And yes I do regret my actions and I will not forget and remind myself of what I have done and continue with my life and live life and do what satisfies me.
______________________________________________________________
Part 6
My darkest thoughts and regrets
The present year recaps since, late February and currently July, 11, 2023.
It is 4:32 am and I came back from a walk and honestly, I might spew some shit outta my ass so sorry for the random rants.
Okay, I was let go and it was late June and honestly, I didn't care as I didn't like working with big group of people and only a small group of people.
I have his my anxiety and took deep breaths since, my therapist lost hope in me and I wanted to no longer live the life I wanted.
So instead I came up with a plan to slowly await my fate as a homeless person and let nature do it's course to put me outta my misery by making myself the most hated person in this planet.
I still live with my mom and she seems to notice my mental health deteriorating and ironically I hid that sadness and pain I had even, since a previous post of kicking myself out of my mom's house which made her concerned.
Now I'm starting to regret my decision as I know my mom seems concerned and yet, I push people away slowly decreasing the care as I type and honestly I don't give rats ass about my life anymore but, what I am doing is being an aware asshole and pushing people away from me.
Luckily I slept and isolated myself and kept my room dirty as a reminder of what a fucking loser I am.
No I am sure to y'all that you people think I'm faking it but wait till I finally disappear as I never got the luxuries of redemption and it's too late for me.
I'll never do good in life except be there for you all to taunt or ignore or never approve of me and yet, I am not able to think but, I am able to plan a vandalistic vendetta against the United States mental health system and health system after all these years of not helping me.
I'm sending myself to a mental hospital tomorrow and pretty sure you doctor's are going to have hell once I enter as I'll destroy those walls and put graffiti you fucking bastards.
I will be sure to make everyone suffer what I suffered and destroy and even, emotionally and mentally and physically abuse them the way my family and I use to do to each to bring a poetic message to the mental health facility.
Hope you take it and know I'm finally broken as I am going to destroy and even walk out scott free like I've once done and honestly, I'll be sure to come back and vandalize more mental health facilities including sabotage the security so next time you will have no way to defend yourself from diseases and even future incidents like fires or active shooters or even worse a very dangerous patient who has nothing to lose.
Better know I held back a lot of self restraint and now I am going to show you a real crazy person in full person as you will know true pain and bitterness and I am no person who holds back so I'll be sure to cause biological warfare with food and fecal matter and even puke itself so better try me bastards.
Now those dark thoughts are gone I'll explain that I need help. And I am no longer sane or out the same but, in sane zone.
______________________________________________________________
Part 7
It's too late
I am too bitter so I guess I'll blind myself and apply for disability and probably lie to myself some more.
I'm finally okay and better and I guess it isn't too late to redeem myself it's okay now and I might make it outta this.
I hope.
It's finally time for me to be honest and clean about it all, I was never happy and only wanted to make my family happy and tell them I'm okay but it never came as I was blinded with the lies of money and favors and kindness and even their approval.
I am thought too myself, "It never came.. I didn't remember it all... I might be aware but I am not sure anymore...."
But, I guess it was fate itself that brought me here to realize I don't have a purpose in life but, only to be another jester or lapdog to reach people's expectations and I guess I'm just not as shy or entitled anymore but, just hollow.
Now I should think about what I have become and reflect if I was in control or was I just mindlessly a screaming puppet mindlessly and yet aware not to do anything would make me better.
Nothing is real to me anymore and I guess I'll probably eat and sleep as usual since it's too late for me.
| 1 |
Wtf is wrong with me
|
Okay so this might be really stupid but for sometime I am having trouble showering. I mean mean not like a phobia or anything. I am not scared of the shower itself but it's more like... It's complicated? For a little background I have thalassophobia. In other words I am scared of the ocean and sea creatures. Like whale, shark etc. Whenever I'll go for a shower these images like of a whale, or a huge wave or the Bermuda triangle will swim in my head and they really feel real so like I cannot stand under the shower and have to move away. It sometimes gets so bad that I will have to go without a shower or have a panic attack in the shower. Today, while showering I almost cried and had a panic attack and I had to get out quickly. And all these because I saw a picture of a whale yesterday. I mean am I going crazy or something? Is it some kind of a weird effect of a phobia? Does this have a name even?
| 1 |
Why would I do anything for attention?
|
I feel weird posting this, but I don't really have anyone to go to besides here sadly.
Basically, I'd do anything for attention. I'd think about things I'd do and how I'd do it, even if it means harming myself. I never really act on them as I usually just get too embarrassed/self aware too. But the reoccuring thought of "if that was me, would i get attention?" Of whatever I'm reading or watching depending on what's happening. Anything helps!
| 7 |
I have an online friend who self harms. How can I stop them from doing that?
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She is my only friend. I can't imagine myself losing her. I really love her so much. I really want to help her. Please suggest me how I should comfort her and stop her from doing sh.
| 5 |
I hate when people call me irrational for wanting to die.
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I've been this way for 3 years now. Have I been irrational for 3 years? I've been depressed ever since I was 10. This world just isn't made for me and I seriously don't think that's gonna change.
| 1 |
I was told I should be alone
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I dated someone with BPD. I was and still am in love with her. However, her life got busy with work and personal things that allowed less and less time for me. I found this extremely difficult to handle. I struggle with abandonment issues which result in me leaving people before they leave me because if I can control the situation in my mind that's better. However in the long run I end up hurting myself.
I wasn't strong enough for her, I'm still in love with her but like someone else because they give me their time. They reassure me.
I know that's not fair to my ex because she has her own things to work through. I was then told that I should be alone and work on myself. I find that to be a fair statement. I love love and if I find someone I like and it works out, it's east for me to fall in love. But she believes for the sake of the girl I like, I should be alone with my thoughts. That's the thing tho, im alone with my thoughts every single day. I moved across the country and I don't have any close friends or family here.
Is it possible to still be working on yourself and be with someone? Am I being unrealistic?
Also, I am diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD so those are underlying factors as well. I take meds and see a psychiatrist every 3 months.
I guess I really take into consideration what other people think of me and let it eat away at me.
| 1 |
Does anyone know where I need to go to get my 14 year old help
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My 14 year old has struggled with mental health for a long time now. I dont want to get into details privacy. We were just at the children's hospital tonight and they wouldnt admit but basically threatened to be sent to the juvenile jail instead. Since when did asking for help get you sent to jail??? I'm at the end of my rope here. Everything I try and everywhere we go no one will help. I'm gonna lose my child if something doesn't happen soon. Any ideas or suggestions please I'm literally begging for help in any way.
| 5 |
Why do I always end up in charge?
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I’ve realized a pattern throughout my life where I always end up as a leader or the person in charge of a project, even when I don’t really want that responsibility.
In high school I’d often end up doing group projects on my own, to the point that I sometimes offered to just avoid joining a group altogether and do all the work alone from the get-go. College was better, people were more collaborative, but I still often felt like the de facto leader and decision-maker even when I tried to avoid it.
In my last job, I ended up as some sort of pseudo-HR role, diffusing situations, helping with hiring decisions, filing tax shit for my boss, big changes, etc. None of these things were my job *at all*, like not even remotely close.
Now I’m starting a new business with two colleagues and again it seems like all the organizing, planning, everything is falling on me. I’m doing all the paperwork, I’m doing all the phone calls, I’m buying all the furniture, or at best I’m making to-do lists for the other two and praying they actually get shit done.
It’s so annoying and I can’t tell what the root of this is - am I just a stage 4 people pleaser? FWIW I’m not a perfectionist by any means, I’ve never been a controlling type, and in my off time I just like to sit on my ass playing single player video games or going on hikes - I don’t consider myself a particularly motivated person at all.
I’d just love some advice or direction. Being pseudo-boss all the time is burning me out.
| 2 |
Is this a common problem?
|
Yo everyone
Had this problem for a while now, kind of driving me insane and i feel like a potential “diagnosis” (if you will) could help me feel a little less lost.
People have told me before it could be OCD, but i’m not knowledgeable on OCD and would like some more possible explanations.
So when i say OCD it’s not the cliché “this must be straight in this position e.t.c.” That people claim OCD to be. (If this IS what OCD actually is then it mustn’t be that).
Now to my problem. Basically, i’ll think of something i want to do. Literally anything, let’s say for instance i think “wow i’d like to get good at boxing and see what it’s like”. Then this “magical” thought will pop into my head which sort of doesn’t allow me to try boxing?
This is the hard part to explain. It’s this constant thought that for some reason, would prevent me from doing something enjoyable or that i’d like to become good at. It’s not like it’s saying “no you’re not good enough” but more rather just “No”?
I believe this pattern of “intrusive thought” is similar to OCD? It’s definitely an irrational thought i can’t combat. I aak myself everyday “what are you, an idiot? You’re letting this random ass thought stop you from doing this?” and i rationalise how ridiculous it is, but it still, always wins over me.
It’s really fucken strange, usually the thought will “dissipate” after a few days, only to be replaced by a new one.
So in essence, i always have a recurring thought that takes up all my time and energy, which fucken sucks because i’m in school doing well but it prevents me from studying half of the time because i’m thinking (moreso combatting) about it.
Just as another example, let’s say I got a brand new video game and saw a character i really wanted to get good at, my brain would probably go “No you can’t”, and i wouldn’t, but i do not know the fuck why.
Sorry if it sounds like a clusterfuck, i just can’t see myself having to deal with this forever.
Thank you.
| 1 |
I just want to go over my social situation.
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I am never able to talk to girls or ask for their number or anything because I'm afraid it'll make it too obvious I like them and I dont want to be seen as weird. Are they supposed to know I like them? I've always heard about people just asking for some random persons number. Is that even normal?! Thats so foreign to me! I'm really young, so it isn't a huge problem, but I'm afraid if it persists later into my life, it'll get bad.
I'm not doing awesome socially. I have several friends, most of which dont know me well, a couple of which are genuinely great, and a few who are just bad. I used to be bullied in elementary school, although not anymore. I've always been good at staying calm with them. Because of the couple terrible friends I have, people, especially the ones who used to bully me, group me in with them and assume I'm like them.
To one of those bad friends, I am his only friend. He's not self aware of how bad he is, he's a little selfish, and very annoying. I feel like it would be best for \*\*me\*\* to cut him off, but I could never do that. I think he just needs some help. I dont think I'm great for help, but as I said, I'm his only friend. I am the only one to help him. He's from a small town, and he moved to my city several months ago. He seems to come from a lower income background, and I'm pretty sure his mom and dad both have to work. Also, just by the looks of it, his parents seem a tad bit neglectful, but I'm not sure about that. I just want him to be happy and better.
| 1 |
I don't know
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I think there's something wrong.
So, I don't care.
That's it. Anything, I don't care.
So many horrible things have happened to me in life, and I don't care.
Even when I was young, 7 to 8ish.
Pets die and shit, I didn't care.
I don't feel sad or happy about anything.
I fake these emotions in public.
But in reality, there is nothing.
I want to find ways to fix this but, I don't know what to do.
| 1 |
Something is very wrong with me and I am afraid.
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I know what I am about to say is going to get me a lot of comments that might break me. They might be what I need to hear. I am waiting for an open bed at a facility, there just is no room to get help. I’ve contacted a psychiatrist and have an appointment in two weeks.
As long as I can remember, something has been off about me. I really truly don’t ever remember feeling happy. But I also remember very little. I remember some things from school but starting in like 7th grade.
I am a compulsive liar. And I don’t know why I am still a compulsive liar now. Growing up I lied to all of my friends about having a boyfriend. I’d lie about my parents being rich and taking us places, and I would change the way things happened when telling stories to make it funnier. I was overweight and my mom started obsessing about it. She made me diet, workout, eat different food than my brothers, she’d say really horrible things about how I looked, I just felt lonely, all my friends had gotten boyfriends so I started making friends in chat rooms but with catfish pictures. I spent literally years pretending to be somebody else.
I have always had these tantrums, out of nowhere. My mood just CHANGES and I SNAP. I break things, punch myself in the head, hit people, and say the most horrible things to them. It’s 0-100 so so fast it’s like a blackout for me, when it’s happening.
I started self harming, using drugs, alcohol, nicotine in 7th grade.
I have been bulimic for 10 years.
When a guy gives me any attention, I become obsessed with them immediately.
At 17 I became addicted to heroin. I spent years in and out of rehab and jail.
I make impulse decisions that are so crazy and sometimes it doesn’t feel like it was me that did it. I’ll have random moments of clarity- like now, where I’m just like what the fuck is happening, what did I do? I don’t even remember half of it.
I was sober for six years. But it did not stop the real issues. The explosive anger, the lying, impulse decisions, the mood swings, no matter what, I just have a darkness.
I relapsed recently, no idea why, I don’t remember. I have been scamming people online for money. I break down during moments of clarity. I shoot up cocaine for hours and hours. Everyday.
I will suddenly stop, feel really motivated to get my life together , and do so much stuff for like two days and then one day I wake up and I’m so fucking depressed and empty and tired.
I’m also very manipulative. I am so good at it that it almost never mfails. If it does I throw a fucking tantrum until the person just gives in .
But then I have this sweet side. The real me. The person I want to be and am supposed to be. I’m funny, I love jokes and laughing. I’m kind, I’d do anything for you. I like video games and concerts. Love being outdoors walking my dog. I take care of myself, eat right, shower, brush my hair. I cry when I see a stray cat because the thought of even an animal suffering or feeling alone breaks my heart. But then the darkness creeps in and I change.
This is way harder to organize and explain than I thought it would be. Did anyone is reading this, do you have any idea why I am like this? Why am I such a bad person? I don’t want to be. It’s like one half of me is just terrible, no remorse, I can’t see into the future so consequences don’t even cross my mind. And then the other half of me is so sad that the other half is that terrible and I live with guilt and shame so big and strong and overwhelming.
Is there any hope for me? Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? Anything at all will help, please.
Lately I’ve been feeling like out of body. Like maybe I’m not real? Or I’m dead? I don’t know. I am afraid though. Really afraid.
| 1 |
Starting to snap
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I (23m) don't really know where to start. I've been in this relationship for just under 4 years. Nearly all of it has been toxic. I've always been a problem to her. nothing I say is ever right, and there can never be enough effort to satisfy her. I get yelled at and called stupid, and so many other things. I used to fight back and argue but for the most part I just take it now because I don't have the energy anymore. Today, I yelled back and because of that, I was again reminded that I'm not good enough and she said she doesn't like me.
I know the obvious choice is to leave. I don't know why it's so difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can do this or how to leave. She doesn't love me, and at this point I'm just being used.
My self confidence is taking a hit, but I also feel like I'm just becoming indifferent to everything around me. I'm starting a new job in August, and I don't know if I can deal with this while working full time.
I've been hanging out with friends a lot more often and working out at the gym to keep my mind off things.
Thanks for reading, just wanted to get it out I guess
| 2 |
I’m in my early 20s and feel so useless
|
My life feels like a joke seriously
My family is losing our apartment
I have a brother
Feel like it’s my fault because I can’t help as much right now I just wish I could do more
My family doesn’t understand a lot that goes on in their life and I’m really realizing it now they needed me when I was gone now it’s to late now my brother has to go through exactly what I went through I’ve had 4 life changing moments and I fumbled each one so quick I blame myself for not being in a better position I blame my attitude towards myself for the position I’m in right now I blame my lack of perseverance I’m such a all talk kinda guy and I swear I’m so creative I understand how the world works and for sum reason I think about how if I did certain stuff in the past how better off I would be but at the same time idc about the past I honestly care about the present I want to change my life for the better I just feel like I’m missing something
| 2 |
Anyone else feel they’re cursed to be unloved?
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I feel I need to put this somewhere, I feel like it’s a pretty uncommon thing, and I know it’s not just a feeling. I don’t want to feel like it’s uncommon anymore, I need to know there’s others with this.
Im the youngest of my family by a significant age gap to my siblings, my dad never showed much interest in me. My brother hurt me when I was a kid, my mum called social services and the police, and from then I was no longer her son, I was a victim. My dad cared so little that he was mad that my mum did anything about it.
I don’t see my dad now, or my brother, I’m supporting my mum and her mental health, I’ve never been a son to her, we’re two traumatised people that support each other.
I lost everyone in a sense, I lost my mum in a way, my dad, and my brother.
It’s just a pattern now, I can’t maintain friendships, I met a girl fairly recently and I thought she liked me, but now I’m pretty sure she doesn’t, it’s like I’m cursed to never build genuine connections with people because I never had that as a kid.
When people ask me about her now, I act like it’s all fine because it’s embarrassing that I keep putting my all into people that just aren’t interested in me.
Am I just destined to be alone? Idk if it’s me, maybe I unconsciously put out signals and push people away, or whether other people are just fucked up psychopaths that are unable to love.
| 3 |
Is intentionally putting pressure on your ears a mental health issue?
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[I'm sorry if this is the wrong sub to ask this. I've tried googling it but couldn't find anything.]
Ever since childhood, I've been, for lack of a better word, "pressurising" my ears. Think "doing the opposite of popping my ears to get rid of the pressure" to get an idea. I do this frequently, pretty much whenever I notice that the pressure is gone. The reason I started doing it was that I realised having pressure on the ears dampens the volume of what you're hearing, and since I'm _very_ sensitive to noise, it's granted me some relief. I always knew it was odd behaviour, but tbh, I never really thought much of it (I've always been a weirdo, so I'm kinda used to myself doing weird things), but now I'm wondering if other people do it, too (maybe there's even a term for it? Like onychophagia for nailbiting, though I'm pretty sure it's way less common than that), so I could maybe get some tips on how to stop doing it, because I'm struggling with breaking the habit.
About me, in case that's relevant: 34F, diagnosed with ADHD-C
previous consultation for possible Asperger's (no result; when I was tested, I had just passed the age threshold within which diagnosis was possible in my country at that time, according to the letter I got afterwards from the clinic)
| 1 |
How to cope with the future of someone.
|
I’m 15, I’ve had a rough time recently. I’ve never had a father figure in my life. It’s always been me my mom my grandma and grandpa. My grandpa has always been really easy going, he understood if I didn’t wanna do sports. Never corrected me or micro managed me. He used to let me drive his truck and stuff out in a field when I was 7 or 8. He’s been like my dad and father my moms always struggled had to pick up three jobs, and they’ve helped her. Recently my family had a big blow up, cause friction between my grandparents and mom, but they still continue to help her even though she doesn’t appreciate it. I don’t see my mom much being she’s kind of moved on with her life which is a big change because we were always so close I could go to anything with her about stuff. And now she’s gone a lot I have to do a lot of the house chores, and my grandpas health has never been guaranteed has had to take close to 15 pills a day for years now. Bad heart kidneys, etc. he recently got diagnosed with dementia, and the sad part is that I can see him getting older. He’s loosing weight, can’t remember as well. Recently can’t drive, and it’s really hard to I guess accept. This man had done so much for me there hadn’t been a month in my whole life where I haven’t seen him. I see him everyday, he would move jobs so he could pick me up after school. And it’s just hard to embrace, and deal with the pressure lately. It makes me have not necessitate suicidal, but very negative thoughts on what I wanna do in life.
| 1 |
My friends jealousy over his partner has gone from bad to worse. How can I help?
|
He has recently been saying that whenever his partner speaks to another person or about another person he gets insanely jealous and upset. He wasn’t always like this. It was usually the occasional friend that he wouldn’t want him to speak to things like that, but recently him and his partner were playing a game and someone who had helped his partner out won so his partner got excited and started doing a dance next to the person. He got very very upset at that, and began to look up this persons name and find out where they live, how old they are, etc. On another note he as also said to me that if his partner left him he would “track him down and slice him open.” This is extremely concerning to me. He came to me about all of this and how he knew it was a problem and he seems willing to fix it. I know that behind his jealousy lies a much deeper problem. Maybe some unresolved trauma or something like that. I’ve tried making him come to terms with his trauma, but it hasn’t really helped. At least I don’t think it’s helped. He said “if I let my partner be friends with people i don’t want them to be friends with, I’ll be in mental agony, but if I don’t let them be friends with those people I’m avoiding my problems which leads me to more mental agony.” I really have no clue how to help him or what to tell him. Please advice!!!!
| 1 |
Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, Borderline, Narcissist, or others?
|
Hello, I understand that I would need to go in and see a psychologist. I would just like to have some ideas of what is going on with me because it is unbearable and exhausting. Here's some background:
-Im a 21 year old female, college student
-I was diagnosed by a general nurse practitioner with anxiety and depression, not by any mental health professional
-My father was formally diagnosed with bipolar depression
-I lack empathy for others
-Super irritable and on edge everyday
-Overeat when upset
-Scared to talk to people that I'm familiar with
-Whenever I feel joy/happy it's overwhelming and I suddenly become drained and have this energetic crash
-I have panic attacks once in a while
-I cry over small things (I e., People not doing what I want) and often (nearly everyday)
-It feels like my mind always finds a way to be hurt and angry
-I am paranoid of people judging me or that they are completely out to get me
-One minute I feel very prideful and the next I feel extremely hopeless and worthless
-I get tension headaches and tense legs
-I self harmed in high school (not anymore)
-I was labeled "crazy" in highschool by many people and others I didn't know (I cried in class often and couldn't figure out how to stop..still can't)
-Ive been on 4 antidepressants and none have worked (Paxil, trintellix, venlafaxine, buproprion)..my current bf noticed I seemed more irritable on them
-I forget things easily
-Supposedly, I was molested at 3 years old by a relative..I had a vague dream about this once and my mom confirmed this event happening
-In HS, I was touched without consent by an ex boyfriend at the time..also another person secretly recorded me, zoomed in on my butt, and posted it on tik tok (someone else brought this to my attention)
-I struggle to maintain hygiene and I'm always tired
-I feel even more miserable going outside
-Im very careless/accident prone/spend money carelessly (no other risky behaviors)
-Past mistakes or future excitements keep me up at night
| 1 |
my step grandma thinks because of my suicide attempt I'm h0micidal. now I'm homeless at 18.
|
this happened around April, but I've been needing to vent and every therapist around me has a long waiting list.
I want to preface this by saying this woman is not yet legally related to me at all but mom is engaged to her son and we all (used to) live together.
to understand this you all have to understand that my mom is long standing victim of abuse and in short worded terms has absolutely no back bone.
this woman, my step grandma whom i'll call Karen, because that's what she is, is a complete and utter control freak. My father is a narcissist and I'd go as far to say that she may as well be one too. Not to say all narcissists are terrible people, but when some of them have a position of authority over someone they deem weaker, things don't usually end up well.
I'm a long standing victim of child abuse, neglect, child SA, and more. I have ptsd, severe depression, social anxiety was nearly diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 13 in my first PMIC, and have possibly undiagnosed autism and/or adhd.
now, my mom started dating her boyfriend in about 2019, my memory is terrible so I'm not exactly sure but it was just shortly before the pandemic. we moved in with Karen after I had only meet her a handful of times and spent only one weekend at her house (with my mom and her fiancé). Her fiancé was originally supposed to move in with us, I'm not sure what exactly changed but step grandma apparently needed someone to take care of her even though she did literally everything by herself at the time. I've learned to try and be civil and hold back my emotions, this is not the first time my mom has moved in to another person's house, in fact it's the third time that I can remember that didn't involve actually getting married to someone.
anyways, I semi got along with step grandma at first, but I quickly realized dispite her claiming to be a "progressive democrate" she, as a white woman, said the n word right in front of me. Of course I was outraged by this but of course the response was "she was raised like that she doesn't know any better". on top of this, although I haven't heard her say the n word since, she uses the r slur constantly whenever she wants to insult someone's intelligence.
another major disagreement I had with her was her stance on how it was a trans person responsibility to tell people they were trans or they would basically "suffer the consequences" I was a barely out trans guy at this time (ftm) and I still have hardly done anything to change how I'm perceived irl due to things like this.
anyways, our first major disagreement happened after I couldn't handle her anymore and I ran away at 16. when I got back I stayed for only about a week before having a major breakdown, not being allowed time to calm down or being allowed to shut my door because it was "her house" I was then kicked out for the first time to go live with my father whom I had not seen in about six years. by now the year is 2020.
so, I'm not going into detail of my time there but it ended with a DV case involving a gun and several minors just last september/october. my step mom tried to support me, I was 18 at the time and it was not legally required for the police to return me to my mom. my stepmom however has 6 kids of her own, many who are also special needs, and she couldn't handle all the stress. Karen finally agreed to let me return, I guess almost being killed was enough for her to forgive me.
in March, my stepmom passed away from kidney failure. at this point I had not been in therapy since before the DV case. I still had a psychiatrist, but that changed too when he got offered a different job. my state is one of the lowest ranks in all the US for mental health care so you can imagine the wait lists are quite long.
so, in May my baby sister was born. we share an 18 year age gap and my mother almost lost the baby several times, most of her pregnancies have had complications and she's pushing her mid/late 30s now. Only a week after she was born things came to a boil for me and I OD'd at around 11 pm (this is important later) even after texting a suicide hotline, calling probably would have been more affective but i did not have my own room, i didnt want to worry anyone, and on top of that I hate phone calls.
At 4 am I was surprisingly awoken to my mom and her fiancé having to feed the baby, and feeling the full weight of what I had done and thinking of my family, I got the courage to tell my mom. Obviously she was distraught but I couldn't help but get the feeling she was also upset with me, probably just my nerves though because when we got to the hospital she was genuinely crying and worried.
my mom's fiance then told me that he saw me like his own kid, which meant a lot to me, both because of him using non-gendered terms and because I've hardly had a good father figure. after my admission my mom visited me a grand whopping total of 1 times minus her initial driving me there. I'm not too upset about it because she did have a barely week old baby but it did hurt especially when she had promised me to visit again the next day.
anyways, when I had finally convinced all the doctors and psychiatrists I was okay (keep in mind I was not on the psych ward of the hospital) they released me. My mom was not the one that picked me up but my actual bio grandma.
when we got there my mom was not downstairs and my stepgrandma proceeded to ask me if I was there to pack my bags. When I didn't understand she began tearing into my grandma asking her how she could be so immature and r worded. I went upstairs then, now informed I was supposed to be spending the week with my grandma.
The reason my grandma didn't tell me was because my mom said she would. Anyways I went upstairs and was haphazardly packing my bags, trying to grab anything of value because I did not want to come back.
my mom came out of her room to go downstairs to the bathroom and I asked her how she could let stepgrandma talk to her mother like that, her response was "it's her house she can do what she wants". she then went downstairs and mockingly told stepgrandma what I had said, causing her to come up and yell at me.
some of the main things she mentioned was "there's no way you could have taken that many pills at 11 pm and still been alive, you did it when you heard your sister because you're jealous." I was excited as hell for that baby and that baby naturally gravitated towards me, I have never shown aggression towards any of my siblings, not even my younger stepsister who was extremely jealous and hateful towards me.
she then went to say she was afraid I would kill all of them. I will admit I had anger management issues when I was younger, but my anger hardly ever was physically directed at others, and the few times it was I beat myself up even more afterwards. I am not a physically violent person.
anyways I went to stay with my grandma for a week, a week turned into two weeks and then three, I was debating placing myself into residential treatment but thankfully did not. eventually they just said they didn't want me back.
now I was lucky and unlike most people I had a person from DHS who was already actively trying to get me placed into transitional living since 2022.
luckily I am now accepted into a place and won't be homeless for much longer, but I still have many things that worry me, especially since my six year old half sister has been placed back into my father's care but that's another story.
I just needed to really write out and process my feelings and thought this would be a nice place to do that. This has all been piling up since 2019.
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Am I developing an eating disorder?
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I have started eating less, I feel uncomfortable eating or just swallowing my own spit sometimes, I feel incredibly fat and I look at myself in the mirror just to feel disgusted by myself, even though I’m 20 BMI, which is considered “normal”. It all just gets worse and worse and I start thinking about it more often.
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I want to die but i feel scared to do it.
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I want to kill myself so much my life just keeps getting worse and worse. Yet whenever i stare down the disinfectant I just feel too scared to do it. I don’t see it as strength but others do? It doesn’t make any sense.
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Can pregabalin cause hallucinations?
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So for the past few days everyday i have been experiencing hearing that someone is in my house or is talking bad stuff about me, today I heard that my father came home was talking to my cat and is walking up and down the stairs also opening and closing doors but no one was home. I'm taking pregabalin since the begging of this year. I struggle with hallucinations and hearing things since 2020 my ex gave me something and made me really paranoid and it fucked up my head pretty badly. I'm on 50mg of chloroprotixen since 2021 but it havent been helping much now. My doctor is thinking i may have bipolar if that helps with anything. Any ideas why is it the way it is?
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Depression? Or is my mood telling me I'm in the wrong situation?
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Constant low mood and constantly low energy. Been on meds (SSRIs) for years, in and out of bad and good therapy.
But I keep saying that because I don't want to expend effort in starting a business or making millions. I'd rather make an effort in making things around me simpler, more efficient and easy.
Can't tell if the depression is real - is my mood telling me that I simply don't agree with traditional adulting, the rate-race and typical goals like money - or am I telling myself that I don't agree with those goals because it's so hard to achieve them given low energy levels.
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Accepting Life as Constant Work
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hi,
i struggle with anxiety and depression but have been doing really well lately, and am in a lot of therapy. i’m just genuinely curious how people cope with life. what are the secrets to accepting that life is constant work? how do you decide it’s worth it to keep going? i feel like i see other people being content with their lives and content with the fact that they’re going to work office jobs for 30 more years and “live for the weekend”…. and i want to be like them, but i don’t know how. if this is all life has to offer, it’s pretty disappointing to me.
i want to be content with life and accept it for what it is — hard work. but it’s a struggle for me and i’m curious what other people’s secrets are, if any of you have cracked the code to contentment
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Is it even possible to fully heal from your trauma? If you have, can i hear your stories?
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Hi i’m young and i have a lot of very serious trauma mainly centered in my childhood. I’m not comfortable disclosing all of it but please understand i am a survivor of abuse and neglect. Even though i am much older now these thoughts still plague me basically everyday. I can’t go a single day without it crossing my mind honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and have been on all sorts of medication and sometimes i feel like i won’t ever heal from my past. Is it even possible to heal? If you have recovered from your trauma can i please hear your stories? Thank you :)
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WTF? Intrusive thoughts 😣
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IDK I have anxiety and OCD and stopped taking my SSRI a week or 2 ago and I had a fear of getting hit by a car as I was walking home and had a really weird image of dying and getting crushed under a car WTF 😢😔
Is this just anxiety or something
Then I had a thought “what if I got hit by a car” but that’s ridiculous….? Surely I would know
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Im 20 and feel lost and depressed
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I don’t know what or who i am anymore i have no motivation to do anything because nothing matters and the more i think about life the less i want to be here i feel like i used to be very happy and loved others but then i went through some things and opened my eyes to real life and truly no one ever cared about me it was just an illusion that they made to keep me around and make me do stuff i don’t know why i can’t think happy thoughts anymore all i think of is fantasies and the worst things im exhausted i need help.
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Went to a psychiatrist and confirmed my depression.
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So I’ve never gone to a mental health professional before but went to a psychiatrist today and turns out it’s easy to get confirmation of whether you have depression(and anxiety) or not.
I talked about wanting an evaluation so I could be sure and not constantly second guess if I’m just making it up and he was just like, “Yeah you have depression and anxiety” like telling me the sky is blue LMAO.
Surprised it’s this easy I thought there’d be tests or some shit.
When I started cutting myself I figured there’s probably something wrong but the confirmation is still nice.
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I am lost. Please respond.
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my whole life I have always been an outsider. I have never had a friend for longer than a year. I have never had good skills. And when I get diagnosed with autism I thought I had figured it out. but now when look at spaces like these I just realize how different I am. I know ist not masking because I can't take it off. There is a version of me unmasked that has been hidden from me and for good reason. I'm an anomaly, I have no personality type, no specific gender and I don't even fit in with our community. I was an accident, I was not supposed to be here. I have only caused suffering for those around me. Im a BAD person. I have no empathy. The person I relate to the most ( my biological dad ) is currently in a psych ward. I failed my parents, I'm a bad sibling. I'm an anomaly. I wasn't supposed to be born. I have always been cursed. But fuck, I'm only 14. I don't want to ruin my parent's life. It's like I'm being blackmailed by the universe to stay alive. because if I didn't, I will ruin my parents fucking lives. But shit. This sucks. Im fucking broken and no amount of therapy can fix me. i just need a response, a diagnosis, even somoen telling me to off myself i dont care. I dont belong. I am outside of human.
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My bfs best friend is a trigger for me. How can I fix this?
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So a bit about the situation. My boyfriend, his friend, and I were all part of the same friend group in college. We were all close but my boyfriend and his friend were roommates most years and were especially close.
We started dating and shit quickly got bad. Now, for some additional context, everyone in this friend group is pretty mentally ill and I’m no exception. Right about the start of the relationship, I had to leave for a semester of medical leave. I didn’t have any friends back home and he was the only one of my college friends to make a serious effort to keep in touch. So I’m already feeling a bit out of step with the group.
Near the beginning of the semester, I lose someone to suicide. A day later, my boyfriends best friend is making suicide jokes and I told them not to, and then had to leave.
Several days after that, they made jokes about me being inadequate bc I probably have autism (they do too but still stung).
I stop hanging out with the group as much and hang out more one on one with my boyfriend. They get jealous as he isn’t hanging out with them as much and confront him. He tries to explain that I’m not feeling comfortable, they say that they don’t want to censor themselves and if I don’t want to talk about these things maybe I should find other friends.
Every time I try and hang out with the group after that, they make little comments emphasizing how my boyfriend is theirs and I’m getting in the way. These ranged from telling me that they didn’t want to share him to trying to trip me at his birthday party bc they were jealous. I didn’t do much about these because I didn’t want to play into the narrative of competition. I’m not a jealous person and I was fully supportive of their friendship.
Eventually they got in a fight with the group about something stupid and I realized that they expected to be treated in a way that they would never treat me. So we had it out, they said they weren’t in a stable place to talk about it and so I let it go. Having lost someone recently I wasn’t going to push it and lose someone again.
We stop speaking. The group stays friends with them for the most part. I stop going to as many group events. My mental health takes a sharp dive as I also realize that while I am enjoying my relationship I have a significant amount of relationship trauma from an unfortunate encounter with a cousin. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this because I feel so separated from them. The incident was something that none of my family really talked about, although they knew and I began to resent myself for not doing more to stop it or to assert myself afterwards. This also played into the situation with the friend, as I felt like everything was being completely pushed under the rug again.
The semester went poorly for me and things were never resolved. Now, I am doing much better but I’ve noticed that they are now a trigger for my mental health. I feel bad for this as though they were shitty, this, I feel, is mainly because the situation tied them to both my relationship trauma and the recent loss I had. It’s also something I need to get over as my boyfriend is 90% of their support system and their mental and physical health is on a steep decline, not to mention the rest of my friends are still close. I don’t know a way to safely separate myself without losing those relationships so I need to figure out how to get over this. Any tips?
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I’m really struggling to find a psychiatrist and I feel like I’m getting worse by the day.
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possible Tw?
Please bare with me, I’m in a really bad and possibly delusional state right now and I don’t know if anything I’m saying makes sense to anyone but me.
I think I’ve been dissociating for weeks, I’m not sure how long exactly because i can’t tell my days apart anymore. Like I feel I can’t remember much from the past week and I can’t tell where it stops and it ends. I started freaking out tonight and my boyfriend tried talking to me but I guess I snapped at him without realizing it and then I started hitting myself, and the whole time this happening I just felt completely disconnected with the situation I was creating. I felt confused and scared like something was really wrong but at the same time like my body was on autopilot while my brain was freaking out. UGH and now I’m debating posting this at all because I don’t know if I’m describing it right but i really don’t know how to describe it any better. All I know is that it was really fucking scary and if my boyfriend wasn’t there to restrain me I think I might have done something really bad without meaning to. I’m at a point right now where I know I need help but getting it feel completely unachievable. I’ve tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I can’t get an appointment for months. I am truly scared by how much worse this could get. If anyone has any resources or advice for getting help it would be greatly appreciated.
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How can I not feel weak?
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like as the title says, I just want to know what I can do, to not feel weak mentally and emotionally.
What's the reason? My Ex. not in a bad way where shes manipulating or anything like that no no, its the LITERAL fact that shes my ex and can be with whoever she Likes. That's My Kryptonite, but I dont want it to be.
I dont want to live a life pitying myself so much that it ruins my days, or spend my time obsession over it. she's moving on with her life, I want to do that exactly too.
but every time I get a faint memory of her, my body just goes weak and I just want to lay in bed and do nothing but feel like shit. Its exhausting and takes too much time. What can I do? distract myself?
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Relationship help? Interaction between a BPD with new PTSD and myself with long-term CPTSD
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I have a partner (I'll call J for this post) with BPD. J had an incident happen recently and now we suspect has PTSD too they are on the waiting list for therapy for both PTSD and BPD. I have CPTSD and have since early childhood although I'm mostly under control now and the last traumatic event was over 5 years ago although I would not be considered fully healed. For extra context we're both AuADHD too and I'm chronically ill physically.
When we met, a year ago, J was really compassionate and caring, comforting and there for me and me for them, in particular a thing that was highlighted is we both shared the same love language, to be touched, for hugs and comfort and everything. Several months through our relationship J rejected being loved at all, expressing they'd "always been like this" but would hate being told anything good about themselves even if it was literally just a case of me saying that I personally find their appearance attractive. Always talking about how they wanted to love someone but not be loved in return. As far as I know there was nothing to trigger this change and it happened independently from their usual bpd shifts.
Anyway, recently was brought up that the PTSD thing of J's might come between us and if we couldn't find a solution they feel we'd be better off apart, in fact, J is currently making an ongoing decision on whether they want to invest in *trying* with our relationship or not.
I suggested me looking at ways to help them as I've already been through the self help journey with my cptsd. They agreed. Most recently in our convos they explained they didn't want to do anything along the lines of ptsd workbooks or self therapy bits because they would end up associating me with the ptsd and that would drive us apart.
BUT (aside from things we're already doing) the only options on literally every medical site for a loved one is to either help them with techniques which J doesn't want OR and I quote "reassure the loved one that you are there for them/support and say you're here to help/make sure they know how much you care...." the list goes on. J rejects all of that, calling it "stupid saccharin self-love sugary happy-happy stuff".
I don't understand how one can go from saying that they love and care to just constant rejection. There's been parts when J said they stuck around because they didn't want to hurt me not because they wanted to/that they only intended to help me get to a stable point in life then were going to get me to leave and stuff like that and then parts when they said that wasn't true idk the truth anymore. They still claim they loved me in the beginning and don't know what changed... They said a few days ago that they're making a decision about the future and we might continue but even talking to them today they reject the *concept* of me showing any sort of love and don't seem to understand that hurts me at all. They don't seem to recognise in the past that "loving me" but not allowing me to love in return hurts.
The reasoning behind this is they're an exception to every rule and are inherently wrong as a human so they feel gross having anything good said about them because they don't deserve it and to change that would be "twisting the fabric of the universe" and that's how its been since childhood. The last bit I don't understand because I said good things in the beginning when I met them and they didn't reject it then. And they still insist they can make things better whilst holding that belief, not understanding how it hurts me no matter what I say to explain.
Anyone got any advice? I'm just......down. I've tried and tried and I can't do anything. Worth mentioning that they've rejected therapists for saying anything good about them so it's a real problem (that didn't show up when I first met them???) I can't get them to see they can't get the results or the fixes they want in life without doing something about it.
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Another post about a hatred towards siblings.
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I hate my siblings right now.
They are my family and I know that they help out, but I absolutely **HATE** the way they always talk down to me, gang up on me because I did something stupid, and do not pull their punches when they make jokes about anything. Everyone else seems really nice to me but **THEM**, they always misread me, they must have a reason to get angry at me. I swear, I feel like they do that because they love the ego boost that it gives them whenever they yell at/insult an autistic individual (diagnosed with that by the way). Why not spit on me and call me a waste of space why don't you?
I am so angry with them, I sometimes consider just blowing up on them because they always make me anxious to even go out with them **ANYWHERE**! Any time my mom even mentions going over to my sister's house, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me that something bad is going to happen if I go there. I'm going to fuck up and they are going to scream at me/embarrass me in front of my family and friends. This would happen quite often and I honestly feel as though I don't want to be involved with them, especially when they have treated me like this for my whole life... I've watched them grow up and even walked my older sister down the aisle, but that hasn't changed the way they treat me...
I am aware that I am socially inept sometimes, I say sometimes because people IRL say that I am not, but... When I am with them, I feel powerless, useless, and just inadequate. It brings me pain and anger whenever I think about them, they way have dealt with my ignorance on certain matters, vouching to instead make a mockery of me rather of helping me out like a normal person. I find that I can be self-reliant despite my disability, but sometimes you can only go so far before you begin to curl back up into a ball and into your happy place. I am just at my wit's end and I just need to let this out before I go insane or worse...
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I'm so lonely lol.
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I'm so lonely. My partner broke up with me. I lost him and his friends who I hung out with and now I don't have any notifications on my phone and no one to talk to. I'm devastated and so lonely. I'm sick of this and just want to die. I asked my mom if I could be checked in a psych ward and of course she didn't say yes. I'm on vacation right now and she said we'll talk about it when I come back but the last time I asked for thearpy she kinda ignored it and yelled at me :( I'm just tired and people only care when it's too late. I don't want to die but unless I get help I'm going to do something I regret. Must I hurt myself in order to go?? Is that what it will take??
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Is checking your self into the hospital worth it?
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I have been having a horrible mental health episode. I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't want to die, I lost my job because my mental health was effecting my performance, my boyfriend admits he doesn't know how to help me, I have been self harming again and just keep getting worse and worse. To top it all off I have been experiencing severe vertigo. I have a therapy intake appoint in 8 days but it's just and intake, and I already know all the coping skill they are gonna give me. I need help NOW. I looked into the mental wards in the area and they all have horrid reviews and I have state insurance and I'm so scared going in is only gonna result in me coming out worse. I had two stays in the psych ward as a teen and the adult psych ward scares me so much.
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i feel like if others arnt happy i dont deserve to be happy
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i can’t seem to find an answer anywhere on google or other places but why do i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy if others arnt like there are other people suffering as equal to more than me so i feel like as long as there’s others who suffer i don’t deserve to be happy. -i am not saying people suffering brings me down and it’s there fault
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i’m scared for my girlfriend
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I (14F) am extremely sacred for my girlfriend (14F). she’s very unhealthy, and refuses to take care of herself. i try my hardest to get her to care for herself and her body but she never listens to me. she has a really bad heart condition where her heart can stop at any given time. she also has ptsd, schizophrenia, depersonalization, severe depression, anxiety, and experiences suicidal thoughts. sometimes due to her heart, she has trouble breathing and moving. about an hour ago, she texted me saying she was freaking out, because she couldn’t breathe or move, i told her to drink some water if she can, focus on her breathing, take deep breaths, sing a song to call her down, and everything i could think of. at 10:27 pm i sent her “please keep me updated on if you’re safe”. she hasn’t responded to that yet. it’s now 11:36 pm. i’m freaking out hoping she’s ok. she’s everything to me i can’t lose her.
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How do you make your therapist care about you?
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Lately I've been questioning whether my therapist *really* cares about my progress.
It seems like he doesn't take the issues I bring up very seriously. The sessions don't reflect my internal state at all. On the inside I'm screaming in pain, while the sessions are incredibly calm.
How do I let them know that I'm in huge distress and need more intensive help?
I've been having thoughts like telling him I plan on doing really bad things, just so that he takes my case more seriously and really starts thinking about how to help me.
But seriously, what leverage do I have here? He doesn't have to care about me doing bad stuff because it wouldn't be his fault. And h doesn't have to care about my life because I'm just one of his many clients.
Is there something I can say to really get my case into his mind and make him go "okay, this is really bad, let's solve this asap."?
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Unable to deal with loss and guilt
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I caused my pets death due to overdose of a medication I gave. I usually check everytime any new med. I dont know how that lapse happened. She was our dearest family member. She was more like my daughter than a dog.I feel so horrible and angry at myself and also at the vet for not warning and prescribing when it wasnt necessary. Such a big loss. Unable to cope with the fact that her death came by my hands.
Also thinking, how some people in power through their decisions cause death of so many people and still continue to live without an ounce of guilt.
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My emotions feel dull and I'm not sure what to do.
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I'm not quite sure how to put it. It's not that I don't feel emotions, but it's more like I can't feel genuine feelings. I feel happy, but I don't feel joy. I feel sad, but not to any point of tears. I feel feelings like I would in the moment, but they feel sort of muffled or lack luster. My friend told me a joke today and it was funny, and I knew and thought it was funny, but I didn't laugh. It just didn't feel like enough to laugh. I can't remember the last time I felt that 'genuine' joy. I've been out of the country over the summer visiting Paris. I've dreamed to go to the top of the Eiffel tower for years, saved enough money over the past year of working, and finally got to the top. It just felt like a cool experience. Just sort of meh. I wanted to feel happy at this once in a lifetime event, and I didn't. It wasn't 'exciting', and I haven't felt that in a while. I'm not sure what to do and where to go from here. There have been so many times that I wanted to actually feel something, but it all just seems sort of dull and gray. Not in a depressing way, but just that it is well, 'meh'. I am planning on possibly getting in touch with a therapist, for this and for other reasons, but is that the right way to go about this? Is there anything else I should try/do?
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Fuck the summer! Fuck the long sunny days!
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For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated summer. For as long as I’ve dealt with anxiety, summer has exasperated my symptoms and given me terrible insomnia. The long, sunny days make it impossible for me to get enough sleep. When it’s so sunny out, it feels like the sunlight is assaulting me and filling me with a nervous agitation. And the worse part of it is the expectation thatIm supposed to love summer. Everyone is always talking about how sunny weather and long days are so great. When I disagree and bring up that it’s hard on me they act as if I’m joking. “Isn’t it such a great day today? There’ll be 18 hours of sunshine!” — “No! These long days fuck up my sleep like nothing else and leave me extremely agitated.”
TL;DR - The long sunny days of summer, fuck up my sleep and mental health.
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How to get good at crying?
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So, I've struggled with severe panic disorder for 10+ years now and I think it's largely due to my inability to cry. I mean I can cry and I do cry, but like once a year. And always due to a piece of fiction, never real life events. And even then it's like 10 seconds of tearing up and a runny nose and POOF - gone. Like it never happened. This obviously is not optimal for my panic ridden body and mind. At this point I wish there was a crying pill I could take just to clean out my emotions.
How can I pick up the hobby of crying? Any tips? I would love to be able to cry because of a real life event some day. If I could I would cry every day and all day. I'm tired of being called a sociopath.
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I cant cry
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I’ve seen a couple posts with the same problem but I wanted to make my own.
Recently i’ve had some events where I feel like I should have cried, leaving my long distance girlfriend- knowing I wont see her for months, TV shows where my favourite character dies or theres a super touching scene, general unhappiness within my life or someone in my extended family dying.
It’s a real problem, I want to cry when I leave my girlfriend to show her that I care but I can’t, I try so hard. On our last night together we had an argument and she had been giving me the silent treatment for hours and we went to bed. At 2am she came down to me and fell into my arms and just burst into tears. She didn’t want me to leave. I just couldn’t cry.
I dont think there’s anything wrong with me. I dont have depression, I do bottle up my emotions because they always cause issues, but I dont think that I have enough bad emotional events for it to have any effect on me. If I had to guess it would be my mentality, and maybe a bit of autism lol. Whenever i’m sad my mind always somewhat shouts at me ‘there’s people way worse off, you have no right to be sad’ or ‘its really not that bad is it’, eg ‘oh no im not gonna see my girlfriend for ages… but i mean i am still going see her again so whats the issue’
Im not really looking for solutions, i just wanted to vent, thank you if you read and I hope it wasn’t too boring.
it would be nice to just let it all out
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I watch movies that trigger my ptsd and ocd constantly
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For some reason I watch extreamly dark movies things like taboos sexual assault sexual molestation bad things people go through I just watched Dolores Claiborne on purpose and I’m flooded with anxiety fear and I feel deeply traumatized does anyone else do this ? Anyone know what it means? I’m really scared right now I shouldn’t of watched that
| 1 |
Can’t focus, ADHD?
|
I quit nicotine and I have had a rough ride of anxiety and a depression and I have nailed it down to my main culprit. I can’t think or focus. Nicotine clearly helped with that and there’s studies on it. I do have some other things that certainly do factor into my anxiety but I feel it in my gut that this is the thing that really upsets me. Sometimes I can’t focus so bad that I feel derealized and then I get anxious (really anxious) that I’ll never feel better again and then depressed. I am feeling better and force myself to get up and out and do a routine everyday but I seriously just cannot focus and it’s like a weird sensation in my head where I easily daydream or feel like I’m in a dream.
I am nearing up 3 months of no nicotine and would say that the majority of people are not feeling the same symptoms as I do still. I was just wondering if anyone else has a similar experience or uncovering of their adhd because I’m starting to notice that I do fall under a lot of the symptoms of it now that I don’t have a stimulant helping me focus.
About me: I am staying active and eat healthy and plenty. I exercise and get out as much as I can get myself to. I seriously was so depressed and anxious for a bit there that I thought I would have to be admitted somewhere but instead I have stuck it out and I’m starting to really figure out what’s wrong with me. I would love to answer any other questions too to help with the input y’all may have.
| 7 |
did anyone else have extremely bad socialization as a child/teen? how does it affect you now?
|
Crossposted to r/mentalillness
So this will probably be a long read as a lot of this I haven’t discussed in full with anybody. Bits and pieces yes, but rarely have I ever fully explained the full picture of how I feel regarding this, so this is more than anything an attempt to see if others have been in similar situations, and how they’re coping as an adult. There will be a tldr at the end for anyone that just needs a gist.
So I (24f) had a relatively normal childhood. I was a bit of a shy kid at first, but when I was in elementary school I came out of that shell a bit. I definitely had a few friends, some petty elementary school drama, but really nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for a child that age. After my second grade year (the same year my younger brother was born), my parents pulled me out of school to be homeschooled (political reasons, granted things are way worse these days but at the time their defense was simply that they were “keeping me from liberal ideals”).
For the first couple years, things weren’t too bad as I was a kid and excited not to have to wake up early for school every day, and I still went to things like Girl Scouts and educational camps, and still had a couple friends from my time in school. However, when I was 11 we moved to another county and things began to get pretty downhill from there.
Books bought by my mom were the main thing teaching me for school, but around the age of 12-13 she began to have troubles helping me because she herself didn’t know/remember the material. On top of this, homeschool regulations in my state are AWFUL and they pass you into the next grade as long as you didn’t get worse from the year previously. So around 7-8th grade is the time I stopped “schooling” altogether (however I was later blamed for not “doing it myself” or “having the initiative”), also because no one ever bought or helped me buy the math books for any high school grades. (At that point, math and English were the only things required to be tested so those are the only subjects I was “learning”. I’ve never had a science/history class other than watching documentaries or learning through life experience)
This was also around the time that I fell out of contact with many of my friends I had left from school, as they obviously had other friends and a life inside of school that I couldn’t relate to because I didn’t know anything about it. So from the age of about 12 onwards, I had no friends and zero interaction with other people aside from my family (which I’ll detail their own problems next paragraph), and people on the internet who I had made friends with. I really had no contact with people to learn how to be….a person. My dad used to go to a local gas station almost every day after work so he could bring me and get me outside of the house for a few minutes at a time. I had no car as a teenager, nor did I have my license until I was 18 because I didn’t have a school driving class, so I literally spent about 80-90% of my life from 12-18 at/inside my house.
My home life wasn’t ideal either, as I had many issues with my family. Between me finding out both of my parents had made suicide attempts, my parents clearly separated (my mom slept in the living room for most of my teenage years) but still living together, arguing constantly, there was no escape. My dad was depressed, my mom was EXTREMELY depressed (although it usually came out towards us in anger), and a stay at home mom so there truly was no escaping her (we have a better relationship now). On top of this, between dishes and animals and everything else, the house was truly a health hazard, so that’s the type of environment I grew used to over time.
Because of these issues, I’ve had an extremely hard time with adult life. I didn’t have much of an education past 7th grade or so, nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to learn new things because I never learned how to learn, if that makes sense. I struggle with the idea of being perceived as a person since I don’t feel like one. I struggle heavily to connect with others as I always feel like an outsider. I never learned how people interact with each other in society, other than the interactions I had with family, which obviously wasn’t the best environment.
Because of these as well, I struggle with many mental health problems (all undiagnosed) but according to diagnostic criteria, I align the most with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and an EXTREME case of adhd
With that being said, if you’ve had a similar situation or know someone who has, here are some questions:
-how do you cope with adulthood? Do you feel like you’ve been successful with integrating into society?
-if not, what are some ways in which you struggle?
-do you feel there’s a disparity in the way you see yourself vs the way people around you perceive you? In what ways?
-what are some ways you bettered your situation once you were an adult? What helped you feel more alike to/accepted by your peers?
And the long awaited tldr:
-extremely uneducated due to home life
-extremely neglected due to home life
-no interaction with other people other than family
-feeling a clear disconnect between myself/other people
If anyone has stories about their own lives, I’d be more than happy to hear as well, because I don’t know any other people with similar situations to my own. It would be great to talk about/build a support system without judgement.
| 3 |
Worst part of being autistic is the loneliness
|
I'm in my late twenties. I can't keep a relationship. I can barely even keep a friendship. After awhile, people just get tired of me. And I'm tired of working on myself, trying to improve.
| 142 |
I think my parents has lost it
|
Hi I'm a 15 year old girl and I have parents are 36 and 37 and I never had the best relationship with my parents like my dad sa and rape me when I was younger and it stop I never know why he did but u was happy it did I never told my mom this because I didn't want to break up my family and he will tell to not tell anyone and I always got scared of thinking about it so I kind of if this makes sense I kind of blocked the memory out and I was cutting myself and calling me words that my mom would call me and we will get to that later but then I just thinking of the past and that memory came in to my head and I got scared about so I never said anything about it and my mom has be very much like a sadist and a narcissist like if things didn't go her way she would be pissed and would use anything to get her way and my mom would love to embarrass me to make herself feel better and I was slut shamed a lot when I was a kid and I never knew what to do about and I was getting bullied at school So I never had a safe place and plus my mom would do drugs too and she and I get it pot isn't bad but it's still affected how she rise us and she preferred it over us any day and one day after a cop came into the school to talk about why not to use drugs and I found some stuff he was talking about in my parents house I told a friend and she told me to talk to counselor and so I did and my mom after I came out of school and went to the car she started bawling her eyes out and kissing me out for snitching and she made me lie to child services And I was in the fifth grade when this happened sorry if I'm missing some of those details this is my first post by the way too and I have siblings too that I forgot to mention a little bit I should have too but my siblings never really gotta believe the way I did and they actually only targeted me and it was really really weird and I came out and saying that I kinda want to be a boy My mom said no you better not but when my brother did she support him which I shouldn't be petty over but I am and We had to move to Missouri and because my dad couldn't stand living in where we lived at the time it was a State right by Because my Grandma died and she died because my aunt and Uncle which pissed me off when I figured out which they had lied to me for years in which they even lied to me over a dog one time there was just a lot of stuff that they had done in the past but 1 thing that I can always say that affecting me because I have always dealt with mental health problems was in Missouri my mom told me when I was dealing with my health problems and she found a notebook of me talking about it she's been in my face and slap me And say go ahead go do it and my dad haven't even pulled her off and I was scared and crying and she destroyed my room and broke everything and so I was there with broken stuff all around me an hour later she came in and said hey you wanna go to Walmart like what the fuck and If some words are misspelled I am using speech to text because I'm just so nervous and anxious I can't really type this out But today was very very off and I knew my family had money issues my parents would pacifically tell me the application I always gotten nervous with money and that's just one of my things I always got nervous with money but I guess my dad haven't got paid in 3 weeks and I was scared because we have to pay bills and my mom is looking at me very very creepily and just saying some weird stuff And they are supposed to be going to the Beyoncé concert and a baseball game in Illinois and no one can babysit basically me and my siblings and my dad said something that makes me feel very odd and weird and my mom looked at me with a weird smile and she's been looking at me like she's got to attack me but my dad said well why don't we just kill her like my Grandma because my Grandma can I baby sit us and she lives 2 hours away And it was like a lie excuse that she was giving to us and my parents were mad and I just very nervous about what's going on and sorry that this is long and if you guys need any questions or update I will talk about it
| 5 |
I dont know who to talk to anymore
|
im 20 about to turn 21 and married . In this marriage ive done nothing right even when I rip myself apart about it and try to fix it I dont know how to tell my wife that this isnt gonna work for me anymore I tried to make it work for a year since we got married even before we got married but Im back in the same spot as I was. Im afraid of my mind my thoughts that im gonna be part of that 80% of men that do it. Im gonna hold on for as long as I can but I cant stay with her if I always end at this low she deserves better ive been ignoring her being rude and all round fucked up to her but Its time to let her for the better right.
| 1 |
The world is depressing and sad
|
Poverty, rapists, thugs, murderers, suicide, addiction, and we’re supposed to pretend everything is okay
| 12 |
Irritability
|
I feel like the anger side of anxiety and depression doesn’t get talked about as much.
Mine got worse after the breakup I went through. I’ve noticed I lose my patience with stuff more often, feeling myself get annoyed and angry at nothing, and just general grumpiness.
This happens when I’m at work, when something is bugging me (for example, today my mouth is numb because I went to the dentist), or when I feel lonely.
I really don’t enjoy feeling like Oscar the grouch.
| 3 |
Anxiety or Worse?
|
Hello I am (21) & have type 1. For a while I been feeling
shortness of breath,
weird tingling sensations on my
head, my heart dropping to my stomach. It's really hard
to explain but this happens everyday & when I went to
the doctor a few months ago my blood test was find.
Maybe it was testing for only diabete related things I'm
not sure.
I was also thinking this could be severe anxiety because
I've been matching symptoms similar to it for years and
still haven't been diagnosed. I'm kinda afraid to get on
medicine because I tried to do that for ADHD and felt
like a total zombie. I was antisocial and never ate. I
guess what I'm asking is what should I do & what
doctor would I even go to for a anxiety diagnosis.
| 1 |
How can I support my girlfriend with an ED?
|
I have been with my girlfriend a little under a year. I have learnt a lot about her and her triggers etc, I have researched into the ED and have learnt some ways I can support her. I was hoping people could give me some insight into their experiences with them, and ways that they found helpful to support or be supported so that I can better support her through her recovery.
Thank-you in advance.
| 2 |
feeling very down but don’t want to overwhelm my bf
|
i (16) feel down, are more sensitive and cry a lot more than my boyfriend (17) and it’s really a struggle for me. i was in a bad place last year and are much better now. but, those emotions have not left me completely. i have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and he is amazing in every way. but, he never knows how to comfort me when im feeling sad. at all. when he’s sad (which is rare, he only cries when someone genuinely dies) i talk him through it and try to be supportive and give him advice when he wants it but as soon as it’s me, the subject changes and i have to act like i’m fine. like, no i’m not fine, because when i’m sad it’s so overwhelming it’s like i have a gaping hole in my chest and i’m hypersensitive to comments and stuff so it’s hard. or, he’ll ask me why i’m sad and talk about it for 30 seconds before ending with an “oh well”. i tell him when im sad but i don’t want him to see me like some crybaby who he has to constantly comfort because i get sad over less serious things than him. he should be there for me - he’s my boyfriend, but i know firsthand it’s also draining to give constant reassurance. i’m not sure what i should do. i don’t want to resent him for not being there for me when i really need someone, especially if he doesn’t know how it’s hurting me, but i also don’t want to scare him off by being so needy. i know i need to communicate but i don’t know how. i really love him and i want things to last.
any advice at all would be appreciated
| 1 |
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