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Which river runs past Balmoral Castle in Scotland?	Balmoral Castle and Ballater \| Cairngorms-Park.com Balmoral Castle, Ballater, Royal Deeside Balmoral Castle is a large estate house situated in a area of Cairngorms National Park, Scotland, known as Royal Deeside. The Balmoral estate was purchased by Queen Victoria's consort Prince Albert, and Balmoral Castle remains a favourite summer royal residence. The Balmoral Estate and Castle covers about 20,000 hectares of heather clad mountains, ancient Caledonian woodland, lochs and of course the beautiful salmon river , the River Dee. Three thousand hectares are forested and 222 hectares are arable or pasture, with 100 Highland cattle, and The Queen's Highland, Fell and Haflinger ponies. It provides for and works with the local community. The Royal Family employs around 50 full-time and 50-100 part-time staff to maintain the estate and look after the animals. The part-time staff are used particularly when the Queen makes her annual visit. Farming is difficult because of the nature of the ground and the climate, there are seven Munros (mountains over 914.4m/3,000 ft) and most of the land lies over 300 m above sea level. At present about 100 hectares are farmed in hand and 75 hectares let to neighbouring farmers. Over the past 150 years careful stewardship of Balmoral by the owners, The Royal Family, has preserved the wildlife, scenery and architecture which is available for all generations to enjoy. In her journals Queen Victoria described Balmoral and its Castle as her paradise in the Highlands - we hope you will feel the same way about Balmoral and Balmoral Castle once you have visited this most special place in the heart of the Cairngorms National Park. The grounds, gardens and exhibitions at Balmoral are closed to the Public during August, September and early October as the Royal Family are in residence. However winter guided tours will be available during late October, November and early December. The Balmoral Castle cafe also offers some tasty, reasonably priced lunches. A great day out for everyone! For more information on Ballater and Royal Deeside check out our Ballater village page . Below are just some of the amazing sites and sounds that can be found at Balmoral Castle and Estate, Royal Deeside in the Cairngorms National Park. Hover over the picture to find out more... Opening Times Balmoral Castle - Usual Opening Hours - check web site for more detail. The grounds, gardens and exhibitions at Balmoral are closed to the Public during August, September and early October as the Royal Family are in residence. However winter guided tours are available during late October, November and early December. The grounds, gardens and exhibitions will be open on a daily basis from 1st April until 31st July. You will need a whole day for a full experience of the Balmoral Castle and Estate. Location Balmoral Castle - Balmoral is situated in a secluded location on the south bank of the River Dee, mid way between Ballater and Braemar. Crathie Church is situated nearby and parking is available in the Regional Car Parks by the Tourist Information Centre. The nearest railway station and airport are located in Aberdeen, which is approximately 50 miles east of Balmoral. A bus service operates between Aberdeen and Braemar. From Aberdeen: Travel straight out the A93 towards Braemar and approximately nine miles west of Ballater you will come to Crathie. On your right hand side is Crathie Church and on your left hand side is the regional car park and the tourist information centre. From Edinburgh or Glasgow: Take a route to Perth. Then take the A93 over the Spittal of Glenshee to Braemar. Approximately ten miles east of Braemar you will come to Crathie. You will see the regional car park and tourist information on the right hand side.	River Dee
A moa was what type of creature?	Visiting Scotland » MAXX-M Promo Visiting Scotland Scotland is famous the world over for its beauty, its friendly welcome and the excellent golf and whisky. I was in awe the moment I landed at Aberdeen Airport, at first I would like to stay in Aberdeen before I am strolling around the countryside, but my guide suggested me to stay in country house so that I can experience Scotland with the locals. The route through the Scottish pastoral showed finest agricultural land in the country. My guide explained that the trail I am taking from Aberdeen to Edinburg offers only a piece of whole beauty of Scotland hinterland. Kincardine Estate is a traditional country estate, which is also the Laird’s family home and acknowledged as one of Scotland’s finest Victorian Castles. Kincardine sits in 3,000 acres of beautiful country estate overlooking the spectacular scenery in the heart of Royal Deeside in Aberdeenshire. The estate carries out a wide range of activities besides farming, forestry, fishing and shooting. The owner stresses that Kincardine try to maintain the atmosphere of a private family home, not a hotel. It does need a minimum number to make a house party concept work though and they are only accepting bookings from groups of six or more. When I realised that I was welcome as the only one family’s guest, I know how lucky I am. My stay in Kincardine Castle enriched my experience about Scottish people. The family inform me that my journey to Edinburg will pass Balmoral Castle. I drive down the villages passing through the legendary Dee River to Balmoral. It lies the magnificent valley of the River Dee. Rising high in the Cairngorm Mountains and running east to its mouth at Aberdeen the river flows through some of Scotland’s finest scenery. Midway, in the shadow of Lochnagar mountain, lies Balmoral Castle, holiday home of the British Royal family. The existence of the Estate was first recorded in the 1480’s, but it only became a royal residence in 1852 when Queen Victoria and her husband, Prince Albert visited the Scottish Highlands, where they fell in love with the scenery and people and decided to buy a home there for private holiday periods. Over the past 150 years careful stewardship by the owners, The Royal Family, has preserved the wildlife, scenery and architecture which is available for all generations to enjoy. In her journals Queen Victoria described Balmoral as “my dear paradise in the Highlands” – we hope you will feel the same way about Balmoral once you have visited this most special place. I went to Hamilton and Inches. Speechless. That is my comment when one asked about this beautiful city. Entering the city, passing through the well preserved antique stone walled buildings just put me in the twilight of time when this city firstly built as capital of Scotland Kingdom. Hamilton & Inches, Silversmiths By Appointment to Her Majesty The Queen, is Scotland’s leading jeweller and silversmith, independently owned and highly individual. The company has run its own silver workshops, almost the last of their kind, in the heart of Edinburgh since 1866. The Hamilton & Inches craftsmen will fashion a silver collar set with a half-carat diamond for each decanter, as well as a John Walker & Sons Royal Warrant, entwined JW&S monogram and a numbered seal to adorn the crystal. The Britannia silver, chosen for its purity, will bear the Diamond Jubilee hallmark. With streets steeped in history and a thriving cultural scene, the City of Edinburgh offers the perfect balance between all things traditional and contemporary. The city combines the medieval Old Town, the Georgian New Town and award winning modern architecture. Explore Edinburgh at my own leisure; I see views that make for perfect picture postcards, mysterious winding streets, elegant terraces and an abundance of shops, bars and restaurants. Edinburgh is a compact city – most of the sights and major tourist attractions are within the Old Town and New Town and are no further than a 15 minute walk apart. Walking along elegant or atmospheric streets is one of the pleasures of the city. There are however, a number of hills to be navigated; for example from Princes Street, up The Mound towards Edinburgh Castle requires some significant legwork, but it’s worth it for the views en route. Royal Miles leading to Edinburgh Castle is the city most active street in the city, where not only souvenirs shops and best scenery but also historical spots indulge your eyes. Edinburgh’s close proximity to England, and its multicultural, sophisticated population set it apart. Its vibrant pub and club scene, its college population combined with the ever-growing Edinburgh International Festival and action packed list of cultural events, make this a city that is truly cosmopolitan and renowned world-wide. A place that hard to forget. Text and photos by Max Kalff Related articles:	i don't know
Hafnia was the Latin name for which Danish city?	Hafnia Law Firm / Hafnia Advokatfirma › About Search About Having studied maritime law at the Scandinavian Institute of Maritime law in Oslo in 1973, Peter Schaumburg-Müller initially worked as a young lawyer and claims handler with Danish Shipowners Defence Association and Skuld P&I Club before establishing his own marine law firm in 1981 in association with 4 non marine law firms under the name Denlaw, originally the answer back of Peter’s telex machine! The firm took a new direction when at the end of 2008 Mathias Steinø took employment with Peter and consolidated the existence of a genuine maritime practice. It was soon a reality that Mathias with his obvious skills added expansion to the firm and should become partner. The idea emerged that Copenhagen with its comprehensive shipping activities was ready for a dedicated shipping law firm. It was however clear that the firm needed to stand alone in new premises and with a new name. In January 2010 we all agreed to launch the first specialised maritime law firm under the name HAFNIA LAW FIRM and in the new premises of Oestergade 22 in the center of the city of Copenhagen. The name HAFNIA being latin for Copenhagen, the Harbour of Merchants. The firm was further developped as Alex Laudrup joined us in March 2011. Alex also started at Danish Shipowners Defence Association and Skuld in the early seventies. In 1982 he became the managing director of another defence club and worked also as a maritime lawyer. Alex later joined the full scale law firm Gorrissen Federspiel where he became partner and subsequently head of the maritime and trandsport department. Apart from being a busy lawyer, Alex is an experienced litigator and arbitrator and former president of the Danish Maritime Law Association (CMI), Denmark. Profile HAFNIA LAW FIRM builds on the concept of specialisation and is the consequence of a development that has also been seen abroad where maritime and transport departments of larger firms establish specialised firms with their own identity. In this day and age the professional client and not least his general counsellor realises the different branches of law and will readily seek specialist assistance. HAFNIA LAW FIRM specialises in shipping matters, be it by air, land, sea or a combination and we service the industries relative to transport like owners and cargo interests, insurance companies, banks, yards, repairshops and trade houses; from the manufacturer or distributor to the retailer. We service the broker, the agent, the warehouse keeper and suppliers of goods and generally provide services to the shipping industry. We also assist our clients in company matters. Our services range from the contract formation to the dispute resolution. Other legal issues HAFNIA LAW FIRM’s raison d'etre is to provide legal advice in those fields in which we are expert. Clients may sometimes require legal assistance beyond the borders of our specialist services. We have built up extensive contacts over many years with other lawyers who have great expertise in virtually any field of law in which our clients might require help in both domestic and international matters. If clients seek our help in any such area, we can and will advise on a transparent and unbiased basis exactly where they will best get the help they need at the best price. If the matter in question is one which also involves our field of expertise we shall be delighted to advise as part of a team and all of us have experience in working as part of multi-disciplinary teams. Our vast experience and many connections have often proved effective and made it possible to solve the problems at an early stage. -oOo- HAFNIA LAW FIRM is a partnership. You can find contact details of all partners and associates under "people". We are authorised by the Ministry of Justice and are members of the Danish Bar and Law Society ("Advokatsamfundet"). Danish attorneys are subject to mandatory professional liability insurance. Our firm carries professional liability insurance with the first class insurers Codan Forsikring A/S. Given the nature of our work we have an insurance which is substantially in excess of mandatory requirements with a limit of liability of DKK 200 million. From case to case, we make use of general terms and conditions. In such cases we will forward our terms to the client. We only use choice of law and jurisdiction clauses if a case is handled pursuant to our general terms and conditions. HAFNIA LAW FIRM / Nyhavn 69 / 1051 København K / T +45 3334 3900 / F +45 3336 3920 / E [email protected]	Copenhagen
Who did Venus Williams defeat in the 2000 Ladies Singles Finals at Wimbledon?	Sneaker-Zimmer.de \| Naked x Asics Gel-Lyte V ”Hafnia“ – Copenhagen’s finest (for girls) Sneaker-Zimmer.de \| Naked x Asics Gel-Lyte V ”Hafnia“ – Copenhagen’s finest (for girls) 15100 Naked x Asics Gel-Lyte V ”Hafnia“ – Copenhagen’s finest (for girls) 07 Aug Share The growing popularity of wearing sneakers among women is evident – not only here in Germany. It rather seems to be a global phenomenon as you can spot girls and women of very different ages wearing sporty shoes in every major city nowadays. When it comes to fashion and style, we have to admit that our Scandinavian neighbours are in the lead (by miles). During our trip to Copenhagen last summer we saw perfectly dressed women (and also men) everywhere. But Copenhagen is not only a fashion style hotspot, it’s also the home of Naked . Since 2004 Naked has been clearly focused on ”supplying girls with sneakers“. It’s their signature and DNA. As a female sneaker store with two shops in the heart of Copenhagen they are already well established in the European sneaker community. But I dare to predict that Naked’s reputation will rise massively in the coming months. I am wearing one of the reasons for this while writing this text. It’s a stunningly beautiful, tri-coloured Gel-Lyte V called ”Hafnia“ which is – believe it or not – the first ever women’s only Asics collaboration. Sorry Guys! The ”Hafnia“ (which is the ancient Latin word for CPH) is Naked’s stylish tribute to their city and homebase. The colour scheme with its eye catching use of coral and mint reflects the different parts of the city from the waterfronts with their fresh breeze and the distinctive copper plated rooftops that can be found all around Copenhagen. Naked refer to the dark grey camo part around the tongue and on the insoles as ”rain camo“. It works quite well as a contrast to the more colourful parts. I especially like the white speckles on the Tiger stripes even though I’m not quite sure if there is also a story behind this detail (a subtle hint with regard to the colder winter days perhaps?). In any case the speckles add some nice texture to the shoe, which comes with two extra lace choices in mint and coral. That said, I actually prefer the black option. The upper consists of nubuck, neoprene and shiny nylon around the toebox. Naked’s commitment to details is also apparent in choices like the 3M part on the heel, the partially transparent outsole and the special box by Krate available to the first 100 customers. I am honestly grateful to be a small part of Naked’s campaign around the ”Hafnia“, which stands out as a success not only compared to other women’s releases. The hugely popular Gel-Lyte V silhouette looks more than fresh with this Danish makeover. What else could I recommend? If you visit Copenhagen, you can’t leave without checking out Naked’s sneaker heritage. The ”Hafnia“ will see its global release on August 15th. E.	i don't know
Which two actors play the fire-fighting McCaffrey brothers in the 1991 film ‘Backdraft’?	Backdraft Reviews & Ratings - IMDb IMDb 54 out of 63 people found the following review useful: Excellent portrayal of actual events from Seattle, Washington 10 January 2004 Ron Howard did a wonderful job of bringing some of the real-life problems that firefighters face everyday in Backdraft. I'm kind of tired of hearing the Monday morning quarterbacks on this site trying to talk about how bad it was and that it wasn't realistic, etc. Take it from a REAL firefighter who has lost brothers in REAL fires and has lived through a REAL backdraft, it's NOT all fun and games, and it's far from glamourous. This movie did an excellent job capturing some of the emotions that flow through every firehouse in America today, particularly after 9/11, we are a brotherhood in which the "I go---we go" mentality is a very REAL concept that most of us live by everyday. And the corruption part of the story, well that's Hollywood for ya, if it doesn't have death, destruction, and corruption...then it doesn't sell very well. Yes there are corrupt politicians and it wouldn't surprise me if things like that did happen, but it's far from commonplace and was just to enhance the film and give you a person to "hate" in the film (JT Walsh, God rest his soul). So I give it 4 out of 4 stars, very realistic, well directed, EXCELLENT acting on Kurt Russell and Robert DiNiro's parts, and can't wait til I find it on DVD to buy it. Was the above review useful to you? 36 out of 42 people found the following review useful: Blockbuster Movie from Hawaii 27 October 2002 This is one of Ron Howard's better films. Much of the filming was done on location in Chicago. Acting was excellent. Especially by Kurt Russell and William Baldwin. I have heard a lot of negatives about this movie, but I still feel it is worth a 9 at least. Steven and Brian McCaffery's dad (also a fireman) was killed in a fire in 1971. Brian was just a youngster, and along for the ride with his dad when he was killed. Twenty years later, Brian has become a fireman after failing at other pursuits. Steven is a lieutenant with the Chicago Fire Department. Steven does not think Brian can cut the mustard as a fireman, and Brian is out to prove himself. It makes for a great sibling rivalry. On top of this, an arsonist is setting fires, and the arson investigator, Donald Rimgale (Robert DeNero) does not have a clue as to who it is. Rimgale is pressured by an egotistical alderman (J.T. Walsh) who wants to be mayor. Brian has his problems working with Steven, and finally gives up, and accepts a job working with Rimgale. They find the links between all the fires, but Brian finds out more. (who the arsonist is). The climactic scene in chemical warehouse is great! I was told by someone that the funeral scene was overdone. I don't think so...I have seen funerals for firemen and they look exactly like what you see in the movie...Universal Studios in Hollywood had a Backdraft set on their lot some years back (which I visited), and it gives you a chance to see what these actors really faced...This is without a doubt one of my favorite movies, and Ron Howard deserves his share of kudos for an excellent directing job Was the above review useful to you? 32 out of 35 people found the following review useful: Howard's film is solid, better than you think from Milpitas, California 8 August 2005 Ron Howard's action/thriller about two brothers (Baldwin and Russell), who have some differences but need to work together to find out whose causing recent arson fires in their district. THe film is done well, good acting for the most part, brilliant direction, and a decent screenplay. I thought William Baldwin started out the first couple scenes with a bit of a constant smirk on his face, but his acting seemed to improve (or maybe grow on me), he gave a satisfying performance. Meanwhile Russell was solid as well as his older brother who is an old-fashioned bitter fireman who takes too many risks. The female performances were rather average, Jennifer Jason Leigh was decent as Jennifer a girl who helps Brian (Baldwin). Rebecca DeMornay is not so great as Steven (Russel)'s ex-wife. Robert DeNiro was great in his role as a fire department detective trying to solve the case. J.T. Walsh was also decent in his role, which was similar but expanded in F. Gary Gray's THe Negotiator. The best performance of the film came from Scott Glenn who was great as a firefighter known as "Axe". I haven't seen Ladder49, so this is my favorite firefighter movie as of now. The script had some problems, as it didn't flow well, but the actors managed to save it although i was particularly upset with one dialogue between jennifer jason leigh and william baldwin which seemed like a complete rip-off of the scene where Michael Corleone and Kay see each other again after Michael is back from Sicily in Godfather part 1. But for the most part the script was average, not bad, but saved by brilliant direction, solid acting and great action. The music was done very well and suited the film, props to Hans Zimmer for yet another great score. The cinematography was also very good, especially in the fire scenes, good job by Mikael Salomon. 8/10 Was the above review useful to you? 24 out of 28 people found the following review useful: burn baby, burn from Portland, Oregon, USA 8 May 2006 It's weird to think that when I went to see "Home Alone" in the theaters, "Backdraft" was advertised right before the movie came on. The whole thing is a little grimmer than we usually expect from Ron Howard. It focuses on mutually hostile brothers Stephen (Kurt Russell) and Brian McCaffrey (William Baldwin), both firefighters in Chicago having to put aside their differences to fight an arson outbreak. True, it doesn't really sound like much of a plot, but Howard knows how to keep everything going. Stephen is the sort of guy with a bad attitude whom you can't help but respect. Brian mainly shows that there was once a time when Alec Baldwin's brothers could act. As for the climax, that is really something that is likely to shock you royally. But don't get me wrong. This is a good movie. Maybe not any kind of masterpiece, but worth seeing nevertheless. Above all, it's not a disaster movie (the less said about "The Towering Inferno" the better). Also starring Robert DeNiro, Donald Sutherland, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Scott Glenn, Rebecca DeMornay and J.T. Walsh. Was the above review useful to you? 19 out of 24 people found the following review useful: A teary eyed romantic picture...for the guys. from Thornhill, Ontario, Canada 18 January 1999 Backdraft, proves once again, that Ron Howard is one of Hollywood's major contenders. This time around he explores fire through technical wizardry. The movie itself is a tad bit overdone, story wise, but the effects are absolutely astonishing. And the acting, by mostly everyone is fabulous. It takes a lot to outdo Robert De Niro, but Kurt Russell manages to do so, especially in the end sequence. And even better, William Baldwin shows he can act. Rating = 8 of 10 21 November 2005 * This review may contain spoilers * "Backdraft" is one of those movies that stays on your mind after you've seen it. It is just so amazingly shot, and the story takes you in. When I first saw this movie, maybe five years ago, I thought the fire sequences were extremely realistic, and I still do. I thought that Ron Howard did an excellent job directing this film, and the cast was superb. The story is about two feuding brothers, Stephen and Brian McCaffrey, both of who are part of the Chicago Fire Department. The story covers the reason behind the McCaffrey's feud, the hardships and adventures of a firefighter's life, and the consequences of the phenomenon known as a "backdraft". Someone is also murdering people and covering their deaths with this phenomenon. The McCaffrey's discover that they have to work together to solve this unsolvable mystery. I thought that Kurt Russel was perfect as Stephen McCaffrey, because he provided the toughness and grit necessary for the role. And William Baldwin was perfect as Brian, the McCaffrey brother who is still searching for his place in the world, and trying to fit into the role that both his father once played and that his brother Stephen is now playing. Scott Glenn is also perfectly cast as Axe. The film perfectly shows the life of a fireman- the hardships, the pains and the glory. It also shows that two people can put aside their differences for the greater good. I strongly recommend Backdraft to everyone. It is a very powerful movie. Was the above review useful to you? 13 out of 16 people found the following review useful: Backdraft A Movie Definitely Worth Watching from United States 5 June 2009 Backdraft is a movie definitely worth watching from famous director Ron Howard who continues to show his skill as a filmmaker with this one. Kurt Russell, William Baldwin, Scott Glenn, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Rebecca De Mornay, and Robert De Niro are great in the movie bringing to life these believable characters we see on the screen. The rest of the cast are admirable in their small roles including J.T. Walsh, Jason Gedrick, and Donald Sutherland. Its better to watch this movie without knowing too much about it because if you do than you're going to be in for a heck of a movie experience. The film tells story of two brothers (Russell and Baldwin) in the fire department whose bond is tested as mysterious murders begin to occur by a dangerous arsonist on the loose. Backdraft is an excellent story about fire fighters with realistic action for the most part, suspense, some humor, and a little romance that make for an enjoyable movie to watch. The film did seem to drag a little near the end but its one flaw so the good more than outweighs the bad. If you're looking for an entertaining movie to watch that's worth your time and money then see Backdraft. You can't go wrong with this film. It's definitely one of Ron Howards best movies on par with Apollo 13 and A Beautitful Mind. It's really that good. Was the above review useful to you? 14 out of 18 people found the following review useful: Thin story, but diffucult to dislike. from United States 14 May 2004 I have seen this movie many times noe, and I can understand that many people slam this film for being corny and unrealistic. And they are right, it is corny, but it is acted and directed with conviction, that it is hard for me not to like it. The core of the movie the story of 2 feuding firefighter brothers played by Kurt Russell and Adam Baldwin. This part of the story may be cliched, but the 2 actors do a good job in their roles, especially Russell, he plays the elder brother, trying to protect his screwup younger brother from the dangers of firefighting. The other parts are less successful, there is a subplot involving the wife of Russell's wife inabilty to deal with his risk taking in his job, Rebecca DeMornay does what she can with a small role. The other subplot of the story is the one that doesn't work, it involves the murders of financial experts hire by a city alderman to close down firestations for financial gain. This part of the story should have been scrapped, it just chops up screen time and is never compelling. That leaves the action scenes, they are spectacular. The fire scenes keep you on the edge of your seat. The special effects are great, but even though the script is corny the actors made me care enough for what was happening to them. It is directed by Ron Howard, who usually is more successful in the human side of the story, he seems to have spent more time on the technical side of the story than the human side. Too bad, even though I like this film, it misses greatness due to a weak script. Grade: B from Canada 9 February 2001 When you watch this movie, you'll never look at fire the same way again. In 'Backdraft', fire is portrayed as a vicious animal that breathes and devours. The story revolves around an arson investigation in the city of Chicago where a sibling rivalry is flaring as well between Brian and Stephen McCaffrey. You'll be blown away by Industrial Light & Magic's special effects and Hans Zimmer's dramatic score. Ron Howard put together an incredible, thrill-ride movie with action, drama and romance all rolled in. Do not miss this movie and don't turn your back on a fire, it knows when to strike. Was the above review useful to you? 9 out of 12 people found the following review useful: Enjoyable Contemporary Cowboy Classic from .: Fiendish Writings in the Dark :. 22 March 2007 This work features some great, entertaining and witty banter by Kurt Russell, the hot dog firefighter, willing to risk it all for the people of his city. Okay, maybe that was a little overstated, but it's still accurate. I like this movie at least as well as the first couple of Lethal Weapon movies. When there's action, it's awesome; when there's witty repartee, it's witty; and when there's drama, it's dramatic. The performances here are top notch, and the plot is intriguing, holding your attention throughout. Hats off to the Cowboys! Ron Howard's direction is inspired, the effects are awesome, and the performances are legendary. I was nothing, if not entertained. It rates an 8.8/10 from... the Fiend :.	kurt russell and william baldwin
Omar Suleiman was the Vice President of which African country?	Backdraft - Buy, Rent, and Watch Movies & TV on Flixster Variety Staff Variety Visually, pic often is exhilarating, but it's shapeless and dragged down by corny, melodramatic characters and situations. Janet Maslin New York Times The spectacular fire sequences, which must have been hellish to film, are powerfully enveloping on screen, thanks especially to the eerie effect of the title. David N. Butterworth rec.arts.movies.reviews Ron Howard's film is one of smoke-eaters, crispers, and torches... and it bestows a renewed respect on a profession all too often taken for granted. Jonathan Rosenbaum Chicago Reader Visually speaking, the film does pretty well with fire-as-spectacle, less well with everything else (Howard tends to trot out fuzzy-toned Spielbergian backlighting on any pretext). Good film. Good story. Almost good acting (I'm looking at you, Kurt Russell.) Alex roy Backdraft is a near flawless action drama film. A terrific film directed by Ron Howard, Backdraft is THE firefighter film to watch. Fuck Ladder 49, this is the… More Backdraft is a near flawless action drama film. A terrific film directed by Ron Howard, Backdraft is THE firefighter film to watch. Fuck Ladder 49, this is the film to watch. The film boast equal amounts of drama and action to create a memorable film, and with a terrific cast to support this film, it truly makes Backdraft a remarkable film from Ron Howard. The special effects are amazing and The fire in this film is the real deal, it's no CGI. and it adds an atmosphere of reality to the film. The fire itself can be considered a character. Backdraft is a brilliantly directed and told film, and for me it's one of Ron Howards best films. Kurt Russell and William Baldwin play the rival McCaffrey brothers. They constantly butt heads in the film. Backdraft comprises a terrific cast including Donald Sutherland in a brief but a very memorable role as Pyromaniac Ronald Bartel. Sutherland's performance is chilling, and for the brief minutes he's on screen, he truly steals the show from bigger actors such as Robert DeNiro. The film steadily builds it's suspense as a deadly arsonist targets city officials. Ron Howard never gives into the mystery, and he effectively builds the story to an explosive action packed climax. Of all the films that Ron Howard has made, this is one of my favorite films and like I've said, this is also one of his best. The cast deliver something powerful on screen and the story is action packed with lots of drama, which adds a lot more to the initial storyline. The film doesn't suffer from overbearing cliches such as Ladder 49 tried to do. Instead Backdraft shows you exactly what it must be like to step into the shoes of a fireman. Firemen themselves have said that this is a pretty good portrait at what they do, despite of course for the fact that the film is fictional. Backdraft doesn't dwell on sentimental cliches to try to coax an audience in spilling buckets of tears when someone dies on screen. Backdraft does have drama, but it doesn't overdue it, and with a good mix of action, Backdraft is more than just a film that you should watch. This is a monumental film that delivers something great on screen. No bad cliches, just terrific action and drama mixed with great acting make this a definite must see film. Lenny Muggsy Update: My previous review of this socketed balls, watch out for xxxtreme flames and check dat door for heat. Good cast, Robert De Niro fighting fires is a… More Update: My previous review of this socketed balls, watch out for xxxtreme flames and check dat door for heat. Good cast, Robert De Niro fighting fires is a funny site. Kurt Russell is great in these type of roles. familiar stranger Thought to check it out as it was by Ron Howard, but now I wish I'd better not done that. Melvin White Lt. Steven McCaffrey: Look at him... That's my brother god damnit.ï¿½ "Silently behind a door, it waits." Backdraft was a pretty big… More Lt. Steven McCaffrey: Look at him... That's my brother god damnit.ï¿½ "Silently behind a door, it waits." Backdraft was a pretty big disappointment for me. The fire scenes were pretty cool, but they weren't enough to make up for everything that was wrong with the film. A great cast is wasted on terrible dialogue and by the numbers filmmaking from Ron Howard. Everything about the firefighters and the story is cliche and everything that occurs is predictable. Nothing in the film is at all original, and we pretty much end up watching the same movie we have seen countless times, except this time it is about firefighters.ï¿½ I have trouble grasping how this movie doesn't work. I love the subject, I love the cast, and I even like Ron Howard. Sure he always goes for sentimentality, which is on full display here, but he also has a way of making entertaining and exciting movies. The problem with Backdraft is that it is only exciting when we are in a burning building. Outside of that, it is dull and too unoriginal. The brothers relationship has been done so many times, and Backdraft adds nothing new to the formula. Two brothers who don't get along, but work together, get over there differences through their job and a tragedy.ï¿½ This story had potential. Two firefighter brothers are working together while an arsonist is running wild in Chicago. If the movie wasn't so dumb it could work, but every time Howard had the chance to take the story somewhere new, he instead chose to keep it in familiar territory. The result is a lackluster film, be it with some cool effects, that doesn't give any insight into firefighters, brothers, or human beings at all. When I want to get my firefighter kicks, I'll stick with rewatching episodes of Rescue Me. Dan Schultz While definitely cliched and predictable in a sense, still an undeniably entertaining thriller with some of the most exhilarating fire sequences recorded in a… More While definitely cliched and predictable in a sense, still an undeniably entertaining thriller with some of the most exhilarating fire sequences recorded in a film. Solid performances from most of the cast never hurt either, even if the ending is a little far-fetched. KJ Proulx I thought that Backdraft considers all of the consequences of firefighters, and concludes this gripping story just barely! Lady D'arbanville Not as good as I remember this film being, but I think that might be due to the special effects, they seemed so great at the time, but we've come a long… More Not as good as I remember this film being, but I think that might be due to the special effects, they seemed so great at the time, but we've come a long way since. VERDICT: Worth watching if it comes on tv Jens S. This firefighter adventure about two brothers and their unit, fighting their personal struggles and what turns out to be a murder series offers some excellent… More This firefighter adventure about two brothers and their unit, fighting their personal struggles and what turns out to be a murder series offers some excellent pyro action in pretty impressive scenes. Excellent actors like DeNiro and Sutherland also manage to make the investigation parts fun, even if the solution to the case is a bit silly. It's built into such an impressively fiery showdown that you easily forget about that, though. Here, director Ron Howard is in his true element, stylizing the fire as a living, breathing villain. Those scenes make this a pretty impressive adventure with some minor flaws in the more every day sequences. Of course the American firefighters are depicted as the heroes of our time with the help of a bombastic Hans Zimmer soundtrack, slow motion and all that jazz. Chris Weber I don't know what it is exactly, but something about this movie just makes me really love it. The cast is good, the performances are decent, the effects… More I don't know what it is exactly, but something about this movie just makes me really love it. The cast is good, the performances are decent, the effects are awesome, and the story is pretty good. Maybe I'm just fascinated by the portrayal of fireman and the firefighting culture. Jason Owens "Backdraft" is a movie about two brothers (Kurt Russell & William Baldwin) who's father got killed trying to fight a fire a few years… More "Backdraft" is a movie about two brothers (Kurt Russell & William Baldwin) who's father got killed trying to fight a fire a few years earlier. They end up being on the same firefighting team and they don't have the best relationship in the world. They must try to quit fighting over who's in charge or something bad might happen. After I watched "Backdraft," I thought it was a good movie, but it wasn't quite as good as I was expecting it to be. It has good special effects with the fires and especially the backdrafts. Kurt Russell and the rest of the actors also do a good job in the movie. If you like movies about being a hero with a little bit of conflict between family in it, you'll probably like "Backdraft." It'll keep you interested while you watch it. NOTE: That was my Amazon review from the year 2000. I remember this used to be about the only movie you heard anything about for a long time around the time of its release, and I thought I'd love it cause I like the actors, and I like Ron Howard movies, but I really didn't enjoy it that much. Candy Rose	i don't know
Ergasiomania is the obsessive need to do what?	Obsessive Thoughts: a Common Anxiety Symptom Anxiety Signs SHARE Obsessive Thoughts: a Common Anxiety Symptom Persistent and negative thoughts are one of the most common signs of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety makes it nearly impossible to stop focusing on things that you don't want to focus on. These thoughts are rarely positive, often related to either your fears or your emotions, and in many cases the existence of the thought causes further anxiety and often leads to more obsessions. Obsessive thoughts are the hallmark of obsessive compulsive disorder, but there are types of "obsessive" thoughts that are present in a variety of anxiety disorders that won't necessarily cause a diagnosis of OCD. Below, we'll look at examples of these obsessive thoughts and how they affect you. Are You Struggling with Obessive Thoughts? If you have been struggling with obsessive thoughts, you may have anxiety. Take our free anxiety test to learn your anxiety score, how it compares to others, and what you can do to stop these obsessive thoughts and treat it. Start the anxiety test here . All Types of Anxiety Can Lead to Obsessive Thoughts The idea of "obsession" is that you cannot focus on anything other than a specific issue (or a few issues), and no matter how hard you try you cannot distract yourself. Many people have these thoughts without anxiety disorders. For example, your first crush back in high school probably became an obsessive thought, since their affection was all you could think about. But when these thoughts are negative or cause you anxiety/stress, then it's highly likely you have an anxiety disorder. Take my free 7 minute anxiety test and learn more about anxiety disorders and their treatments. Obsessions from OCD Obsessive thoughts are required for someone to be diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. These obsessive thoughts are often violent, sexual, or fearful in nature. The thought may change depending on the situation (more on that in a moment), but once they've entered your mind, you'll often do anything you can to shake it. Some examples of obsessive thoughts include: Fear of getting sick. Thinking about hurting a loved one or stranger. Focusing on some type of aggressive sexual act (with someone you know or strangers). Need for organization or symmetry. Worry over little things (did I lock the door, etc.). Notice that some of these are obviously far more negative than others. There are those that have unwanted fantasies about murder or rape, while others may simply constantly fear they haven't turned off the stove. But one thing they all have in common is that they cause significant distress, and once the thought enters a person's mind, it becomes impossible to shake without some type of action. That's what causes compulsions. Compulsions are the action that the person completes in order to reduce this obsessive thought. When the person fears germs, they may need to wash their hands. When the person fears the door being closed, they may need to lock in 3 or more times to stop that fear. Those that fear something violent or sexual may develop any habit that appears to cause the thought to decrease. It's crucial to remember that anxiety genuinely causes these negative thoughts and negative thinking. The way that anxiety alters your brain chemistry makes it very hard to focus on the positives or the future, and so it's not your fault that you can't distract yourself from these thoughts or that you're having them at all. The More You Try To Stop Them Numerous scientific studies have shown that trying too hard to "not" think about something actually causes you to think about it more than if you tried to think about it. That's because the brain keeps reminding you of the thought in order to remind you not to think about it. It's a strange way the brain works that makes it very hard for someone that wants to end their obsessive thoughts to actually stop it. That's a serious problem for those that deal with obsessive thoughts from OCD. If they experience too much shame or fear over these thoughts they'll try not to have them, and this will cause them to have the thoughts even more. Obsessive Thoughts in Other Anxiety Disorders It's also possible to develop types of obsessive thoughts with other anxiety disorders as well. Generally these will not quite be as severe or overwhelming as the thoughts in OCD, and you're unlikely to develop compulsions as a result, but there are often some similarities between both anxiety disorders. Your psychologist will be the one to diagnose which problem you have. Some examples of how these thoughts work include: Panic Disorder Those with panic disorder and panic attacks may develop hypochondria or health phobias, worried that something is wrong with their health. They may also fear the panic attacks to such a degree that it is all they think about. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - Those with PTSD often find themselves obsessing over the trauma they experienced, or the belief that the trauma will occur again. Phobias Those with very severe phobias may start to think about the object of that fear more and more with everything they do. For example, checking your clothes for spiders and having someone look through your house regularly may be a phobia obsession. Social Phobia Those with social phobia may think about embarrassing themselves in social situations. In some cases it may be a thought of something that happened, while in others it may be worse-case-scenario thinking. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) - GAD is a disorder that causes numerous worries. It's possible that some of these worries persist. For example, worrying that your son/daughter is in danger after they go off to college may be a sign of GAD, and also an obsessive thought. So while generally an obsessive thought is considered a problem for those with OCD, it is something that can affect those with nearly any type of anxiety disorder in some way. Fight Your Anxiety Learn how to control your anxiety and your negative thoughts with my free anxiety test . Take the test now to learn more. How to Stop Obsessive Thoughts You need to take a holistic approach to your anxiety. Don't just try to target the obsessive thoughts. Try to target your anxiety as a whole in order to properly address the way it affects you and cope with future stresses. However, you can also try the following: Stop Shaming Yourself First and foremost, you need to learn to accept your thoughts for what they are: a symptom of your anxiety. You need to stop shaming yourself, and stop feeling like you need to push these thoughts away. Acceptance is crucial. These thoughts are not in your control, and not something you should expect to control. Learn to accept that they're a natural part of the disorder, and that when you cure your disorder you'll have fewer of the thoughts. This is obviously very hard for people, but you need to find a way. Your thoughts are what they are - they may cause you to do silly or "irrational" things, but so what? Who cares if you check a lock three times or wash your hands multiple times a day? Who cares if you occasionally think about unusually sexual or fearful things? Yes, it's something you'll need to cure, but while they're occurring, it's much like being sick with a cold. You don't get mad at yourself for sneezing, so you shouldn't try to fight your thoughts or see them as a bad part of your personality while you're still dealing with your disorder. Write Out Persistent Thoughts Sometimes you'll have a thought that isn't so much obsessive as it is persistent. In some cases, these can bother you enough that you start to worry they'll become obsessive thoughts. Try writing those thoughts out in some type of journal or diary. Your mind has a tendency to focus on persistent thoughts less often when it knows they're being kept in a permanent place. Get Used to the Anxiety One of the hardest parts for those living with obsessive thoughts is the idea that they should just live with the anxiety. But learning to be okay with the anxiety is actually an effective treatment. Part of this will come from acceptance, as mentioned above. But a big part of it is simply learning to let yourself worry. Compulsions have a tendency to provide too quick a solution to the obsessions, causing you to avoid actually dealing with the anxiety. But if you fight the compulsions as best you can and let yourself be as anxious as possible for a while, you'll often find that the obsessions cause a bit less fear, because you know nothing will come of it. This often needs to be completed in the presence of a therapist, that will teach you the tricks necessary to stop trying to solve your obsessive thoughts and simply let them be obsessive, but allowing yourself to feel the anxiety of the obsessive thoughts can help. Cause Your Own Anxiety Finally, another thing you can try with the approval of your therapist is the idea of causing the anxiety yourself - in other words, purposely think about the thing that causes you that much distress. The idea behind this is behavioral habituation. If you stop fighting the thought and start experiencing it as often as possible on purpose, the thought will eventually become less stressful (and possibly even boring). If it's something you can do, like get your hands dirty, keep your door unlocked, purposefully disorganize your apartment, etc., then you do it so that you get used to what the anxiety feels like and learn to fear the anxiety less. If it's something that you simply think to yourself, like violent thoughts, then try to have the violent thoughts on purpose until you accept that they have no meaning and allow yourself to find them less irritating. It's often best to do these in the presence of a professional, because this type of technique may not be right for everyone. Nevertheless, it's been shown that the more you accept the anxieties, the easier they may be to handle. Not All Obsessive Thoughts Are An Anxiety Disorder One of the reasons that OCD and other anxiety disorders are so misunderstood is because many people claim that they have OCD or obsessive thoughts when they do not. You'll hear numerous celebrities, for example, that say that they have OCD because they like their fork a certain way or they dislike when they get dirty. Millions of people have these issues but do not otherwise have an anxiety disorder. For your obsessive thoughts or compulsions to be part of an anxiety disorder they need to happen frequently; to such a degree that they drastically impact a person's quality of life. If you have the occasional unusually obsessive thought or even a small compulsion or two that otherwise has little to no impact on your wellbeing, chances are you do not have OCD. But if your obsessions are causing you significant distress, then it's very likely that you have anxiety. The Overall Solution to Obsessive Thoughts No matter what you do at home in your spare time, you will still need to address your anxiety directly. Remember, your disorder causes obsessive thoughts, so the only way to truly stop these thoughts is to stop the disorder. Take my 7 minute anxiety test if you haven't already. It'll give you an idea of whether or not you're suffering from anxiety, how severe your anxiety is compared to the rest of the population, and what you can do to treat it. The Relationship Between Multiple Sclerosis and Anxiety How To Discontinue Taking Anxiety Medications How To Avoid Feeling Anxiety When You Wake Up Stress Medications - What Medicines Deal With Stress? Can Anxiety Cause Blindness? How Anxiety Causes Trouble Swallowing How Anxiety Creates Double Vision More... Need help with anxiety? Then take our scientifically based anxiety test - completely free (takes no more than 7 minutes). After completing it, you will find out whether your anxiety is within "normal range," which parts are out of balance and, most importantly, how to proceed with beating your symptoms. It is made specifically for anxiety sufferers, please make use of it.	Work
In Greek mythology, who was the beautiful youth loved by Aphrodite?	When Normal Love Becomes Obsessive Love - Obsessive Relationships By Paula Derrow Jan 20, 2014 When Kim Berlin fell in love for the first time, she fell hard. "He was the first person I'd been with sexually," says Berlin, who was a college freshman at the time. Maybe it was because she was new to dating, but she admits, "I was crazy, crazy obsessive." For one thing, she had a hard time accepting that her new guy had ever been with anyone else. "I was consumed with his high school girlfriend — a redhead," Berlin recalls. "I literally started following redheads down the street to see what they had that I didn't." It didn't help that her guy seemed to get off on making her jealous. "Once, he casually mentioned that he was 'haunted' by his ex," a remark that left Berlin constantly worried that she would lose him. For a while, he even kept the redhead's photo on his desk. When it disappeared, instead of feeling relieved, Berlin waited until he was out of town, then tore through piles of his boxes until she unearthed the hated image, just so she could stare at it. "The only time I felt at peace was when he was napping next to me in bed," she says. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Ah, obsessive love. Lena Dunham's Hannah felt it for the elusive Adam during the first season of Girls. Anastasia felt it for Fifty Shades' tortured-but-hot Grey. And if you've ever truly been head over heels, you've felt it too: the butterflies before you see your crush, the wrenching anxiety as you wait for his text, the over-the-top elation when you get it, the two hours spent analyzing his message ("What does he mean by 'BRB'?"), the inability to think about anything else.… While it sounds kind of crazy (and indeed, we wouldn't recommend following strangers down the street if you don't want to get arrested), in some ways this kind of behavior is totally normal. "I would say that if you don't experience some degree of obsessive thinking as a relationship takes hold, you're not truly in love," says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, in New Jersey. Blame it on evolution: Once we find someone we believe is right for us, we're literally driven to pursue that person. That's the way the brain is built. Wired to Obsess "In the early stages of love, you're pretty much drunk on dopamine — the brain chemical linked with feelings of ecstasy, cravings, even addiction," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington at Seattle and coauthor of The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples. Brain-imaging studies by Fisher and her research team found that when smitten people look at a photo of their beloved, activity sparks up in a tiny area of the midbrain known as the ventral tegmental area, bathing your synapses with druglike waves of feel-good dopamine. "It's the brain's reward system — the purpose is to create wanting, craving, and focused energy," Fisher explains. Scarily, it's the exact same circuit that gets triggered in cocaine addicts. "Once it's activated, it leaves you highly motivated to get what you're after, whether it's drugs or a person," says Fisher. "We've proven that romantic love can be just as powerful as an addiction. I know someone who, after her boyfriend dumped her, took 10 years to get over it. Once we get it into our head that someone would be a good life partner, the brain is very well built to turn a person into a doormat." Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Fisher's MRI studies also suggest that when someone is crazy in love, the insular cortex, a brain region associated with anxiety, lights up like a Christmas tree. Which is why, when your crush's texts stop coming ("He said he would BRB!"), you immediately worry that someone has broken into his place and killed him. Or that he's with another girl. Because what else could it be? Then there's the roiling mix of hormones that make you sexually hungry for the object of your obsession. For Jordan Katz, 25, the chemistry was instantaneous when she met an older media magnate in an L.A. club. His age (35) and success were a potent combination, and she was instantly attracted. "That night, he took me to his place, and I basically stayed there for a week, just the two of us. My friends were freaking out," Katz recalls. That set the tone for their relationship. "He'd pick me up, and we'd go back to his place and have sex," Katz says. "Then he'd leave me in the apartment and go out — he said I looked too young for him to take out in public—and I'd happily cook him dinner. It didn't matter how he treated me. He was all I wanted." "When you start to feel a little bit in love, your testosterone activity increases and everything about the person becomes sexually attractive," explains Fisher. It also works the other way around: If you fall into bed with a stranger, "hormones are released — oxytocin and vasopressin — that can boost your feelings of attachment," she says. Contrary to urban legend, what matters most in terms of initial sexual attraction isn't the chemicals known as pheromones (in other animals, pheromones are detected by a heightened sense of smell and tend to drive mating behavior). In humans, sexual desire is driven by something Fisher calls the brain's love map: that list of things you subconsciously look for in a mate, whether it's success, accent, body type, or whatever gets you going. Although studies suggest hormones play a role in why we're drawn to certain people (for instance, some research suggests women feel hornier — and are more alluring to men—during ovulation), "desire has more to do with what we're looking for and how that person responds to us than it does any mix of odors or hormones," Schwartz says. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Chemistry aside, this can't-eat-or-sleep phase of love eventually shifts into the I-can-see-his-faults phase. "We still find dopamine-related craving activity in the brains of newlyweds who've been together for several years," says Fisher. "But typically, the hysterical obsession dissipates after a year or so." If it didn't, no one would get anything done. Or we'd all end up dead, like Romeo and Juliet. Not good for the survival of the species. When Normal Love Turns Crazy For some people, though, this crazy-making love doesn't dissipate. Instead, it persists even when a guy breaks his promises…or rarely drops by…or accidentally texts a photo of another woman's boobs. What's crazier is that on-again, off-again attention can actually fuel obsessive love, even in an otherwise levelheaded woman. That's what happened when Steph, 26, met a guy named Jason right before she was about to move to Spain for a long-awaited chance to teach English there. "I fell in love with him instantly. We were inseparable, and we talked about moving in together when I got back," she recalls. Steph even proposed calling off her dream trip. "He was very against that," Steph says, "under the guise of being supportive." So off she went. "I wrote him love e-mails every day, sent him videos of my life there. No reply." (Or, as they say in Spain, nada.) Yet she didn't doubt his love for a second, not when he started sounding "distant and weird" on the phone…or when he failed to pick up at all. Then during an infrequent call, he dumped her with no explanation. Instead of writing him off as a jerk, Steph got on the next plane home, sobbing through the entire intercontinental flight. "I went straight to his apartment, knocking and sobbing until his brother opened the door. He told me Jason hadn't been into our relationship for a while. That should have been clear to me by then." This dogged determination is a common result when one partner plays hard to get. "The biggest reason a healthy, normal infatuation fails to mature and instead shifts into an unhealthy obsession is when someone gives you just enough attention and encouragement to fuel your feelings but not enough for you to feel sure of him," says Schwartz. "It's the 'yes, I will; no, I won't' pattern that makes sane people go totally nuts." In other words, when you get only occasional little hits of that love drug, the cravings just get stronger. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Are You the Obsessive Type? Sometimes, though, a bad case of obsessive love can take hold with virtually no encouragement. "Often, people get 'hooked on the look'—they're attracted to someone because he's hot or a bad boy, and they ignore warning signs that the person might not be right for them…or even interested in them," says psychotherapist John D. Moore, PhD, author of Confusing Love With Obsession. "I met this guy at a college party and slept with him that night," says Ann, a communications strategist in Atlanta. "I refused to be a one-night stand, so I did everything in my power to make it happen again." She got a copy of his class schedule from a friend who worked in the registrar's office, and "I planted my ass in his path for months," she says. "I hung around the language lab even though I didn't take a language class. I cased the bar where he played darts. I walked past his home at least three times a day, a home that was located at the top of a steep hill—in rain, snow, it didn't matter — just to get a glimpse of the guy." Perhaps not surprisingly, her efforts didn't amount to much: "He turned into a one-year stand — the guy I sometimes had sex with." Most of us have been guilty of committing at least one or two drive-bys or walk-bys, as Moore calls them, not to mention stalking the object of our obsession on Facebook and Instagram. But psychologists believe certain personality types are particularly vulnerable to falling into these all-consuming patterns. People who grew up in homes with alcoholism or who don't have nurturing parents may be prone to forming what experts call anxious or avoidant attachment styles — becoming clingy or pursuing guys who are never quite available. "With an anxious attacher, if a guy doesn't call, she'll assume it's her fault. She doesn't feel whole when she's not with him," explains Arthur Aron, a social psychologist at Stony Brook University, in New York. "Avoidant attachers tend to be happy even when their feelings aren't fully requited, because they get the excitement of the back-and-forth without actual commitment." Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Kim Berlin stuck things out with her college beau for four years, partly because of the drama. "We had a very heated sexual relationship, as well as giant screaming fights on the street. We'd break up and get back together. One time, I jumped out of a moving car because I was so pissed at him." If all this doesn't sound like a very good relationship foundation (never mind life-threatening), it isn't. "When you get overly intense too fast, it's inevitable that what you fear most will happen — the person you love will be scared away," warns Schwartz. How to Break the Cycle Not coincidentally, the cure for obsessive love is the same one recommended to any other addict: Gather your support network around you, and drop the obsession cold turkey. First, though, you have to recognize your own behavior: Do you go from 0 to 60 really quickly? Does a crush become your whole world almost immediately, despite warning signs that he may not be good for you? (If you're not sure, take a look at the checklist at left.) "Once you see your patterns," says Moore, "you have an opportunity to create positive change." The next step: Quit the object of your obsession — no easing out, no residual sleepovers. An all-or-nothing approach is crucial to breaking the addiction. "Every time you Google him, you're getting a little hit of dopamine, and your cravings only get stronger," says Fisher. De-Friend him, unfollow him, block him, delete his texts from your phone — the whole deal. Then vow not to contact him and that you won't respond if he contacts you. "It helps to have friends hold you accountable," says Schwartz. "Tell them that you're not allowed to mention his name in their presence, and make them hold you to it." If you can't sleep or get work done or you're miserable for weeks on end, Moore recommends seeing a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. "The goal with CBT is to replace irrational thoughts — that you must be with someone to feel complete — with a healthier view of love," he explains. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below For Berlin, her tumultuous relationship ended when she discovered her boyfriend had done the thing she feared most: slept with his redheaded ex. Disgusted, Berlin started hanging out with nicer guys, including a work buddy who was the opposite of the cheater. "Ethan wasn't on my romantic radar at all," she admits. "But I was very much myself with him, and our friendship caught fire." It wasn't dramatic. There were no screaming fights or leaps from moving vehicles. "I wasn't afraid of losing him — and I fell for that sense of comfort and intimacy," Berlin says. So much so, that after dating for a year and a half, the two got married. "In every other relationship, I never fully felt that I had the person," she says. "But with Ethan, things felt solid, stable, and true. I never recognized that as love before, but now I know it's the real deal." Photo Credit: Joel Barhamand	i don't know
Who became the first female muslim cabinet minister in the British government?	UK minister resigns over ‘morally indefensible’ Gaza policy — RT UK Trends Israel-Gaza strikes Tags UK , Israel She told her Twitter followers that she was leaving with "deep regret". She was previously chairman of the Conservative Party. Lady Warsi became the first female Muslim cabinet minister when David Cameron took office in 2010. She was demoted from the cabinet to a middle-ranking FCO post in 2012 and became minister for faith and communities at the same time. She tweeted on Tuesday morning: "With deep regret I have this morning written to the Prime Minister & tendered my resignation. I can no longer support Govt policy on #Gaza." With deep regret I have this morning written to the Prime Minister & tendered my resignation. I can no longer support Govt policy on #Gaza — Sayeeda Warsi (@SayeedaWarsi) August 5, 2014 She grew up in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire, as one of five daughters of Pakistani immigrants. After studying at Leeds University she later worked for the Crown Prosecution Service before setting up her own legal practice. In her resignation later she said the government's current stance on Gaza is "morally indefensible, is not in Britain's national interest and will have a long term effect on our reputation internationally and domestically". Lady Warsi also claimed there is "great unease" in the Foreign Office over "the way recent decisions are being made". A Downing Street spokesman said: "The PM regrets that Baroness Warsi has decided to stand down and is grateful for the excellent work that she has done both as a minister and in opposition. "Our policy has always been consistently clear - the situation in Gaza is intolerable and we've urged both sides to agree to an immediate and unconditional ceasefire." Chancellor George Osborne, however, called the resignation "disappointing and frankly unnecessary". Speaking on LBC Radio, London Mayor Boris Johnson, said he had "great respect" for Lady Warsi, and hoped "she will be back as soon as possible." — RT UK (@RTTV_UK) August 5, 2014 Israel launched Operation Protective Edge on 8 July, which to date has killed 1,800 Palestinians and 67 Israelis causing outcry across the globe. Lady Warsi had called for action on Gaza via Twitter before her resignation. On 21 July, she Tweeted: "The killing of innocent civilians must stop. Need immediate ceasefire in #Gaza. Leadership required on both sides to stop this suffering." The killing of innocent civilians must stop. Need immediate ceasefire in #Gaza . Leadership required on both sides to stop this suffering — Sayeeda Warsi (@SayeedaWarsi) July 21, 2014 Three days later she added: "Can people stop trying to justify the killing of children. Whatever our politics there can never be justification, surely only regret #Gaza." Can people stop trying to justify the killing of children. Whatever our politics there can never be justification, surely only regret #Gaza — Sayeeda Warsi (@SayeedaWarsi) July 24, 2014 In her first interview since her resignation, Lady Warsi told the Huffington Post: "The British government can only play a constructive role in solving the Middle East crisis if it is an honest broker, and at the moment I do not think it is." "As the minister for the International Criminal Court, I’ve spent the last two and a half years helping to promote, support and fund the ICC. I felt I could not reconcile this with our continued pressure on the Palestinian leadership not to turn to the ICC to seek justice." The British Foriegn Office is 'urgently investigating' claims that a British aid worker has been killed in Gaza , according to reports from British media. British Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond called the rising death toll caused by the Gaza offensive “intolerable” and called for a long-term humanitarian ceasefire on both sides. He added that “a broad swathe” of British public opinion felt “deeply disturbed by what it is seeing on its television screens coming out of Gaza.”	Sayeeda Warsi, Baroness Warsi
The Cerrado is a tropical savanna ecoregion in which South American country?	New British Government includes First Muslim Woman Minister - MuslimMatters.orgMuslimMatters.org New British Government includes First Muslim Woman Minister Source: CNN (CNN) — Chalk up another “first” for the new British government. Not only does it have the youngest prime minister in almost 200 years and the first peacetime coalition government in nearly 70, it has the first Muslim woman to be a full member of the Cabinet. She’s Sayeeda Warsi, a Conservative who was named minister without portfolio. It’s not immediately clear what her responsibilities will be, a spokesman for the government said. In opposition, she was the Conservatives’ point person on “community cohesion and social action.” Not yet 40 years old, she’s also just been appointed chairman of the Conservative Party. Like this? Get more of our great articles. Warsi was also the politician the party put forward to take on far-right politician Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, last year. She clashed with Griffin and mainstream politicians on “Question Time,” the BBC’s flagship political discussion program, in October. She blasted him as a “thoroughly, thoroughly deceptive man” who “demonizes Islam, just as he demonizes Christianity.” “Mr. Griffin here preaches extremism in the name of Christianity and brings that faith into disrepute as well,” she said. Having stood up to the white far right in London, she came under attack a month later by protesters who threw eggs at her in the town of Luton, north of London. Press reports at the time said the protesters accused her of not being a proper Muslim and of supporting the death of Muslims in Afghanistan. She was hit by two eggs but not hurt, the Daily Telegraph newspaper reported. On her Web site, she names her proudest political achievement as securing the release of a British teacher from jail in Sudan when the woman was accused of insulting religion. Gillian Gibbons had been accused of allowing her students to name a teddy bear “Muhammad.” Warsi and Lord Nazir Ahmed flew in to negotiate her release. A trained lawyer from Dewsbury in northeast England, Warsi also lists herself as a campaigner on racial justice, forced marriages and prison conditions. She did not immediately respond to attempts to contact her. May 14, 2010 at 12:22 PM I had the pleasure of sitting with Baronness Warsi two years ago when I went to England with the Foreign Office. She seemed like a really nice lady and someone committed to integrating ethnicities from South Asia and the Muslim population in general. One of her goals was to de-ghettoize the Muslim population and provide easier access to education and government. I’m pretty positive she’ll bring a faith-based approach to her work with the government for the betterment of all insha’Allah. May Allah make it easy on her and provide her with good judgement and foresight. May 15, 2010 at 1:26 PM Warsi is a great role model for why Muslim should NOT join western political party’s. Prior to her appointment to the Shadow Cabinet, Warsi, a qualified solicitor who had set up her own specialist practice George Warsi Solicitors in Dewsbury, spoke openly about the need to engage a wider spectrum of Muslim opinion including so called ‘extremist’ voices. “We must start engaging with, not agreeing with, the radical groups who we have said in the past are complete nutters,” she said in 2005. Warsi criticised the idea that pressure should be placed upon British Muslims to root out extremists within their midst, commenting that “when you say this is something that the Muslim community needs to weed out, or deal with, that is a very dangerous step to take.” She once wrote: “if terrorism is the use of violence against civilians, then where does that leave us in Iraq?” Also, regarding Kashmir, she said, “We have a community in Britain, a Pakistani and Kashmiri community, who holds a very, very strong view about Kashmir and the scope of freedom-fighting in Kashmir. It would concern me if… the definition of terrorism was to cover maybe (the) legitimate freedom-fight in Kashmir.” [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article718181.ece] [http://www.melaniephillips.com/diary/?p=1571] Warsi was also accused of disributing leaflets in Muslims areas during her 2005 election campaign to court the Muslim vote. These leaflets which have reportedly redistributed by former counciller Mr Scott, read: “Labour has scrapped Section 28, which was introduced by the Conservatives to stop schools promoting alternative sexual lifestyles such as homosexuality to children as young as seven years old. “Labour reduced the age of consent for homosexuality from 18 to 16, allowing schoolchildren to be propositioned for homosexual relationships.” http://www.pinknews.co.uk/news/articles/2005-4917.html HOWEVER after her appointment to the shadow cabinet everything CHANGED! In an interview with The Guardian,after her appointment to the shadow cabinet Warsi said: “I look back at lots of my election leaflets and think, ‘God â€“ why did I phrase it like that? What was I on?'” she told the paper. http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2007/jul/11/race.conservatives After her appointment Shadow Minister Warsi has even gone on to say that people who back the British National Party (BNP), may even have a point;”They have some very legitimate views. People who say ‘we are concerned about crime and justice in our communities â€“ we are concerned about immigration in our communities'”. http://www.pickledpolitics.com/archives/1417 Furthermore On 22 October 2009 Baroness Warsi represented the Conservatives on a controversial edition of Question Time marking the first ever appearance of Nick Griffin leader of the BNP.[12] During that broadcast she strongly criticised the BNP, and when directly asked whether she was in favour of civil partnerships, replied “I think that people who want to be in a relationship together, in the form of a civil partnership, absolutely have the right to do that.” Source: Question Time, 22 October 2009 Sayeeda Warsi typical example of those who tred the failed path of political participation in westminister and is an example of how one has to conform to the secular norms to get ahead at the expense of their values and principles. The reality of the road of political participation in wesminister is the quickest way for Muslims to LOOSE their Islamic voice. May 16, 2010 at 12:33 PM Salaams syeeda warsi epitomises the compromises Muslims have to make to their deen in order to climb the greasy ladder. Appearing on Question Time with BNP leader Nick Griffin last year, she said that gay people “absolutely have the right” to have civil partnerships. The following is a question and answer session with syeeda warsi taken from the independent newpaperÂ http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/profiles/you-ask-the-questions-sayeeda-warsi-tory-spokesperson-for-community-cohesion-459556.html Do you disapprove of sex before marriage? Syeeda warsi’s answer “Individuals are free to live by their own moral codes.” Do you find the tone of the debate over Muslim integration profoundly depressing and faintly racist? Syeeda warsi’s answer “People are coming at cohesion, and not just Muslim integration, from a tabloid perspective. For example Sharia law and whether it should be used in this country is often badly misrepresented. But Sharia law is not about chopping off hands. Muslim women should not be at the behest of unscrupulous Sharia councils; they should have the same protection as non-Muslim women. People should also think about the language they are using, terms used can create misunderstanding and have a negative impact on community cohesion.” How do we engage with the angry young men on the streets and prevent them turning to extremist and terror groups? Syeeda warsi’s answer “We need to inspire people to feel part of Britain, so we need to explain its institutions and democratic process. We need to explain to people that there is room for dissent, by lobbying Parliament, signing petitions, demonstrating in the streets or even living in a shack outside Parliament. What we need to make clear is that we don’t do bombs. We have learnt from Northern Ireland that progress can be made if you get people round the table talking.” “You appeared upset by the Government’s repeal of Section 28 and the lowering of the age of consent for gay people. How can someone so anti-gay be a leading figure in the cuddly Cameron Conservatives? Syeeda warsi’s answer “I am not anti-gay, I am a strong defender of civil liberties. I have strong views on sex education, whether heterosexual or homosexual, and believe parental choice takes precedent. It should be the parents’ decision whether their child receives sex education at school. Personally I believe the parent is the best person to educate their child on this issue.Britain’s got the highest number of teenage pregnancies in Europe, this doesn’t suggest to me our current approach is working.” Integrate is a synonym for assimilate. It’s about secularising the Muslim community. So yes you can be a Muslim and edge up in the cabinet but those societal views of Islam have to be stripped away. Here is what jack straw said about westernising the Muslims in Europe. “Together with the leaders of the Muslim community we must do more to counter the influence of fundamentalists over disenchanted Muslim youth. Democrats, for example, can never accept that religious injunctions take precedence over temporal laws to do so would threaten the very basis of democratic society. Quite simply this is a central tenet of democratic political practice.” June 5, 2010 at 10:57 PM Relevant ayah Ø£ÙŽÙÙŽØ±ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙŠÙ’ØªÙŽ Ù…ÙŽÙ†Ù Ø§ØªÙ‘ÙŽØ®ÙŽØ°ÙŽ Ø¥ÙÙ„ÙŽÙ‡ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ù‡ÙŽÙˆÙŽØ§Ù‡Ù ÙˆÙŽØ£ÙŽØ¶ÙŽÙ„Ù‘ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ø§Ù„Ù„Ù‘ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ø¹ÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙ‰ Ø¹ÙÙ„Ù’Ù…Ù ÙˆÙŽØ®ÙŽØªÙŽÙ…ÙŽ Ø¹ÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙ‰ Ø³ÙŽÙ…Ù’Ø¹ÙÙ‡Ù ÙˆÙŽÙ‚ÙŽÙ„Ù’Ø¨ÙÙ‡Ù ÙˆÙŽØ¬ÙŽØ¹ÙŽÙ„ÙŽ Ø¹ÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙ‰ Ø¨ÙŽØµÙŽØ±ÙÙ‡Ù ØºÙØ´ÙŽØ§ÙˆÙŽØ©Ù‹ ÙÙŽÙ…ÙŽÙ† ÙŠÙŽÙ‡Ù’Ø¯ÙÙŠÙ‡Ù Ù…ÙÙ† Ø¨ÙŽØ¹Ù’Ø¯Ù Ø§Ù„Ù„Ù‘ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ø£ÙŽÙÙŽÙ„ÙŽØ§ ØªÙŽØ°ÙŽÙƒÙ‘ÙŽØ±ÙÙˆÙ†ÙŽ Ø³ÙˆØ±Ø© Ø§Ù„Ø¬Ø§Ø«ÙŠØ© – Ù„ÙŽÙƒÙŽ ÙÙŽØ§Ø¹Ù’Ù„ÙŽÙ…Ù’ Ø£ÙŽÙ†Ù‘ÙŽÙ…ÙŽØ§ ÙŠÙŽØªÙ‘ÙŽØ¨ÙØ¹ÙÙˆÙ†ÙŽ Ø£ÙŽÙ‡Ù’ÙˆÙŽØ§Ø¡Ù‡ÙÙ…Ù’ ÙˆÙŽÙ…ÙŽÙ†Ù’ Ø£ÙŽØ¶ÙŽÙ„Ù‘Ù Ù…ÙÙ…Ù‘ÙŽÙ†Ù Ø§ØªÙ‘ÙŽØ¨ÙŽØ¹ÙŽ Ù‡ÙŽÙˆÙŽØ§Ù‡Ù Ø¨ÙØºÙŽÙŠÙ’Ø±Ù Ù‡ÙØ¯Ù‹Ù‰ Ù…Ù‘ÙÙ†ÙŽ Ø§Ù„Ù„Ù‘ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ø¥ÙÙ†Ù‘ÙŽ Ø§Ù„Ù„Ù‘ÙŽÙ‡ÙŽ Ù„ÙŽØ§ ÙŠÙŽÙ‡Ù’Ø¯ÙÙŠ Ø§Ù„Ù’Ù‚ÙŽÙˆÙ’Ù…ÙŽ Ø§Ù„Ø¸Ù‘ÙŽØ§Ù„ÙÙ…ÙÙŠÙ†ÙŽ Ø³ÙˆØ±Ø© Ø§Ù„Ù‚ØµØµ Ø£ÙŽØ±ÙŽØ£ÙŽÙŠÙ’ØªÙŽ Ù…ÙŽÙ†Ù Ø§ØªÙ‘ÙŽØ®ÙŽØ°ÙŽ Ø¥ÙÙ„ÙŽÙ‡ÙŽÙ‡Ù Ù‡ÙŽÙˆÙŽØ§Ù‡Ù Ø£ÙŽÙÙŽØ£ÙŽÙ†ØªÙŽ ØªÙŽÙƒÙÙˆÙ†Ù Ø¹ÙŽÙ„ÙŽÙŠÙ’Ù‡Ù ÙˆÙŽÙƒÙÙŠÙ„Ù‹Ø§ Ø³ÙˆØ±Ø© Ø§Ù„ÙØ±Ù‚Ø§Ù† June 15, 2010 at 9:45 AM Salaam Syeda Warsi was appointed the first Muslim cabinet member. She was not the elected member. Indian High Commissioner was the first to welcome and congratulated her. The reason is that there is no difference between the mentality of a Hindu and an English. She is the “show boy” of the British Establishment. She is going to be used against the interests of the Muslim community by the British Establishment. She welcomed the introduction of English tests for immigrants from the sub-continent. After entering Britain, they could easily learn English in local accents, wherever they live. She will prove to be the foot and mouth disease of the Pakistani and Muslim communities in the future. She is the product of British education system which makes a man stupid, according to Lord Bartend Russell. She is unable to enjoy the beauty of Arabic/Urdu literature and poetry, I guess. She is just an economic slave of the British society and a British citizen. Iftikhar Ahmad March 25, 2011 at 11:06 PM Why all this bad mouthing of another believer? There seem to be many double standards in the supposedly “muslim/Islamic world” It makes me wonder how many muslim men are responsible for her having the views she has about society in the UK. How many Muslim “educators” inadvertently had an off-putting effect on her? What drove her to choose the current path she is on, which clearly raises several conflicts of interest, judging by the way she answered guardedly and defensively, afterall isn’t a muslim allowed even to reject shahadah if they fear for their life? What if a person fears for their life but (with modern media) also fears the backlash if such words of (supposedly) disbelief, result also in death… such that it leaves the believer in utter confusion..unable to make a decision in their own favour.. perhaps without having any 2nd chances? A true believer is fearless to what people say and think, as people are often in error and more judgemental of others than their own selves, fearing only the almighty and hoping for the merciful one of all mercies to relent and show compassion, and a way out of adversity and tribulation. May this be a lesson to us all. Much of these comments are wasteful idle chat. I hope Allah perfects us in our faith, and redeems us from our own carnal nature.	i don't know
The Yom Kippur War, or October War, took place during which year?	Yom Kippur War - Facts & Summary - HISTORY.com Google 1973 Yom Kippur War: Background Israel’s stunning victory in the Six-Day War of 1967 left the Jewish nation in control of territory four times its previous size. Egypt lost the 23,500-square-mile Sinai Peninsula and the Gaza Strip, Jordan lost the West Bank and East Jerusalem, and Syria lost the strategic Golan Heights. When Anwar el-Sadat (1918-81) became president of Egypt in 1970, he found himself leader of an economically troubled nation that could ill afford to continue its endless crusade against Israel. He wanted to make peace and thereby achieve stability and recovery of the Sinai, but after Israel’s 1967 victory it was unlikely that Israel’s peace terms would be favorable to Egypt. So Sadat conceived of a daring plan to attack Israel again, which, even if unsuccessful, might convince the Israelis that peace with Egypt was necessary. Did You Know? On October 6, 1981, Anwar Sadat was assassinated by Muslim extremists in Cairo while viewing a military parade commemorating the anniversary of Egypt’s crossing of the Suez Canal at the start of the Yom Kippur War. In 1972, Sadat expelled 20,000 Soviet advisers from Egypt and opened new diplomatic channels with Washington , D.C., which, as Israel’s key ally, would be an essential mediator in any future peace talks. He formed a new alliance with Syria, and a concerted attack on Israel was planned. Yom Kippur War: October 1973 When the fourth Arab-Israeli war began on October 6, 1973, many of Israel’s soldiers were away from their posts observing Yom Kippur (or Day of Atonement), and the Arab armies made impressive advances with their up-to-date Soviet weaponry. Iraqi forces soon joined the war, and Syria received support from Jordan. After several days, Israel was fully mobilized, and the Israel Defense Forces began beating back the Arab gains at a heavy cost to soldiers and equipment. A U.S. airlift of arms aided Israel’s cause, but President Richard Nixon (1913-94) delayed the emergency military aid for a week as a tacit signal of U.S. sympathy for Egypt. On October 25, an Egyptian-Israeli cease-fire was secured by the United Nations. Yom Kippur War: Aftermath Israel’s victory came at the cost of heavy casualties, and Israelis criticized the government’s lack of preparedness. In April 1974, the nation’s prime minister, Golda Meir (1898-1978), stepped down. Although Egypt had again suffered military defeat at the hands of its Jewish neighbor, the initial Egyptian successes greatly enhanced Sadat’s prestige in the Middle East and gave him an opportunity to seek peace. In 1974, the first of two Egyptian-Israeli disengagement agreements providing for the return of portions of the Sinai to Egypt were signed, and in 1979 Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin (1913-92) signed the first peace agreement between Israel and one of its Arab neighbors. In 1982, Israel fulfilled the 1979 peace treaty by returning the last segment of the Sinai Peninsula to Egypt. For Syria, the Yom Kippur War was a disaster. The unexpected Egyptian-Israeli cease-fire exposed Syria to military defeat, and Israel seized even more territory in the Golan Heights. In 1979, Syria voted with other Arab states to expel Egypt from the Arab League. Tags	1973
An antipyretic drug reduces what in humans?	\| Politics , US & Canada , Egypt , Iraq , Israel An Israeli armoured column on its way into Syria during the October War between Israel and Egypt and Syria [Getty Images] Shortly after midnight on October 5, 1973, the telephone rang in the London home of Dubi Asherov, an Israeli case officer handling an Egyptian spy referred to as ‘The Source’. It was ‘The Source’ and his message was simple: “I need to meet the boss, urgently.” Asherov called Tel Aviv to wake his superior, Zvi Zamir, the director of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad. Within just a few hours, Zamir was on his way to the British capital, where he met ‘The Source’ in a Mossad safe house. The information he heard there was astonishing – but what made it all the more important was the identity of the man delivering it. “Ashraf Marwan was one of the best spies in espionage history,” explains Ahron Bregman from the department of war studies at King’s College, London. “He was the perfect spy. He was not only clever and very, very efficient but he was also very close to the information. He was a relative of [Gamal Abdul] Nasser [the Egyptian president from 1956 until 1970] and he was the right hand man of President [Anwar] Sadat [who ruled Egypt from 1970 until 1981].” So, when Marwan told Zamir that the following day at 6pm Egypt and Syria would launch an attack on Israel, there was every reason to believe him. But was this a genuine leak from the very centre of Egyptian power or was ‘The Source’ delivering information that was designed to deceive? All-out war On the morning of October 6, 1973, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the Israeli cabinet met in an emergency session. It decided on the immediate mobilisation of reservists and devised a defence plan, codenamed ‘Dovecote’, which would be triggered two hours before the start of the battle. At 2pm, 6,220 Egyptian air force jets crossed the Suez Canal, heading for Sinai, while Syrian jets simultaneously began a massive aerial strike on Israeli positions in the Golan Heights. The two countries had launched an all-out war against Israel – and they had done it four hours earlier than ‘The Source’ had led the Israelis to believe they would. Their aim: to liberate the Sinai Peninsula and the Golan Heights - territories occupied by Israel six years earlier during the Six Day War. Despite earlier intelligence warnings of an upcoming Arab attack, the head of Aman, Israel’s military intelligence, General Eli Zeira, was convinced there was nothing to worry about. As a result, Israel was completely unprepared. Its regular army was outnumbered and its reservists were not yet in place. While Sadat’s close relationship with the Soviets guaranteed a supply of military hardware, the Israelis knew that he had been unable to obtain the latest generation of attack weapons and that without them their military might outweighed that of Egypt. But, ever since the humiliation of the Six Day War, Egyptians had longed to see their country fight back. “There was a devastating feeling of crisis and defeat then,” explains Egyptian author and journalist Gamal El-Ghitani. And while the Egyptian people agitated for war, the most powerful constituency of all, Egypt’s army, was also desperate to show that it could take on – and defeat – the enemy it faced across the Suez Canal every day. A point to prove Aware that his country’s weapons were dated and that it lacked the ability to liberate the Sinai in its entirety in a military operation, just four months after taking power, Sadat had offered the Israelis a peace deal if they would withdraw from Sinai. Golda Meir, the then Israeli prime minister, rebuffed the offer. So, left to contemplate a war, Sadat found an ally. Syrian President Hafez al-Assad had come to power through a coup d’etat in 1970, and he too had a point to prove to his people. Hisham Jaber, the director of the Middle East Studies Centre in Beirut, explains: “Hafez al-Assad was the defence minister during the 1967 defeat, and was held mainly accountable …. So, since al-Assad came to power in Syria, he started to absolve himself of the 1967 defeat, and to prepare the Syrian army for the next battle.” In a series of meetings throughout 1973, Sadat and Assad refined their war plan, giving it the codename ‘Badr’ after the Prophet Mohammed’s first victorious battle. Crossing the Suez Canal Syria began concentrating its troops in the Golan, while Egypt did the same on the Suez Canal. But, having responded to a similar build-up five months earlier only to find that the Egyptians had gone no further than the edge of the Canal, Israeli military intelligence was determined not to make the same costly mistake. “In a document that Aman published at noon … [on] October 5, it was a perfect description of the Egyptian army [getting] ready to go to war,” says Israeli military historian Uri Bar-Joseph. “The bottom line was we nevertheless believed that there was no change in the Egyptian estimate regarding the balance of forces with the IDF, and therefore the likelihood for war is low.” Within minutes of the first aerial attacks, a massive artillery barrage began. Under the cover of artillery fire, the first wave of Egyptian ground troops crossed the Canal – 4,000 men in 720 rafts. With the war already half an hour old, ‘Dovecote’ was rushed into action. But, by 5pm, 45 Egyptian infantry battalions had crossed the Canal. ‘Dovecote’ had failed. By sunrise on day two, the war appeared to have been an unequivocal success for Egypt’s armed forces; 100,000 men, more than 1,000 tanks and over 10,000 other vehicles had crossed the Suez Canal with only minimal losses. An advantage lost On the Golan front, three Syrian infantry divisions crossed the 1967 ceasefire line known as the Purple Line. And, two hours into the war, the Syrians gained their first significant victory when they captured ‘Israel’s Eye’ – a key Israeli vantage point 2,000m above sea level on top of Mount Hermon. The Syrians were overtaken by enthusiasm during the first two days, thinking they can overpower Israel. Hisham Jaber, the director of the Middle East Studies Centre in Beirut By nightfall on October 6, pushing through unguarded holes in the Israeli line, Syrian tanks entered central Golan. But by midnight, with the Syrians having made major gains, the order came to stop the advance and to regroup for another assault in the morning. Before them, the roads stretching down to the Jordan Valley and the heart of Israel lay undefended. Just a few kilometres to the east, on the edge of the Golan, were positions which, had they been taken, would have been virtually impregnable. But al-Assad controlled the Syrian army with an iron grip and no one was allowed to deviate from his original plan. Within hours, almost a quarter of a million Israeli reservists were mobilised. The Syrians had calculated that it would take the Israeli reserves 24 hours to reach Golan. But, the first tanks were there by midnight - just 15 hours after they had been mobilised. Shortly after dawn, ignoring the fact that the Israelis had successfully mobilised to meet them, the Syrians launched their planned tank assault. Their main target was Nafakh, the Israeli advanced command centre and the strategic crossroads that controls the Golan. The Israeli forces managed to stop the Syrians but paid a high price in soldiers and tanks. By the end of day four, in a place in northern Golan that became known as the ‘Valley of Tears’, the Israelis had destroyed hundreds of Syrian tanks. “The Syrians were overtaken by enthusiasm during the first two days, thinking they can overpower Israel. That means taking over the Golan, and approaching occupied Palestine. They thought they could end the war,” explains Jaber. “But they overstretched themselves, and suffered huge losses of tanks during those first three days.” On the defensive In Sinai, however, the Egyptians had used their success on day one to secure defensive bridgeheads, and were subsequently prepared for the inevitable Israeli counterattack when it began on October 8. Yosri Omara from the Egyptian 2nd Infantry Division recalls: “We received orders to fire. We fired at them with every weapon we had …. It was a massacre … in the true meaning of the word …. The Egyptian RPG soldiers were moving like birds, like birds jumping from one tree to another. They would hide behind a ramp till the tank was 50m away and within range, then they fired at it. They would knock that one out then move on to the next tank.” For the first time in its 25-year history, Israel was on the defensive. And, as the first week of the conflict concluded, it suffered another serious blow. On October 13, in front of the world’s media, the last of Israel’s Bar-Lev line of fortresses along the eastern coast of the Suez Canal surrendered to the 43rd battalion of Egyptian commandos. “I couldn’t believe my eyes, seeing the Israeli soldiers waving the white flag, and humiliated,” says Hamdy El-Shorbagy from the Egyptian 43rd Commando Battalion. The streets of Cairo filled with Egyptians reveling in their military’s triumphs and the first liberation of land occupied by Israel in the Six Day War provoked an enthusiastic response across the Arab world. But in less than 24 hours, Israel had mobilised two armoured divisions, which soon turned the Syrian advance into a retreat. The Israelis advanced, capturing territory deep inside Syria. Two different wars Eight months earlier Sadat and Assad had forged the plan to launch a war against Israel on two fronts. But it now seemed that the two presidents had entirely different concepts of the war they had planned together. “Assad told me that from the moment of his seizure of power, his ambition, his dream, was to avenge the defeat of 1967 when Syria had lost the Golan to Israel and when Assad himself was the defence minister,” says Patrick Seale, a British journalist and Hafez al-Assad biographer. “So I think he felt it as a personal responsibility for the recovery of the land. Assad saw the war, which he was planning, as a war of liberation.” Sadat, on the other hand, had sought a limited war to focus the minds of the world’s superpowers, and to jump-start the stalled peace process. A week into it, Sadat’s personal target had already been surpassed, and a swift victory appeared to be in sight. So when, on October 13, the British ambassador to Egypt delivered an offer to broker a UN ceasefire resolution, which he said the Israelis were prepared to accept based on the current positions, seduced by success, Sadat refused. He would, he stated, only accept a ceasefire if Israel withdrew from the whole of Sinai. “Things were going very well for Sadat,” explains Abraham Rabinovich, the author of The Yom Kippur War. “He didn’t want to stop the war. Something dramatic had to be done to persuade him to agree to a ceasefire; maybe even to get him to request a ceasefire, and the only thing that could work was [the] crossing of the Canal. That might scare him enough.” On the morning of October 14, the Egyptian armour moved east. But the Israelis were waiting in pre-prepared positions and, within the first few minutes of battle, the Egyptians suffered significant casualties. By midday, 250 tanks had been lost and the Egyptian general command ordered all advancing forces to retreat. On the Syrian front, the Israelis had suffered heavy losses, but achieved significant gains - advancing to within 35km of Damascus, and occupying new territories to bring to the bargaining table. They were now able to turn their attention south to the Egyptians. The plan to cross the Suez Canal had been finalised and given the name ‘Stouthearted Men’. But first they would have to take on the southern flank of the Egyptian 2nd army, which stood in the way of an Israeli advance. The Battle of Chinese Farm The ensuing fight would centre around an Egyptian agricultural development on which work had begun in the early 1960s with the help of Japanese experts. When they had occupied the area during the Six Day War, the Israelis had mistaken the Japanese writing on irrigation equipment for Chinese. The farm had now been recaptured by the Egyptians but at dusk on October 15, Israeli tanks started their assault on the ‘Chinese Farm’. By the morning of October 16, 15 rafts had reached the Canal and begun ferrying Israeli tanks to the west. The crossing went almost unnoticed by the Egyptians and, later that same morning, in his first public appearance since the war started, Sadat led a victory parade through the streets of Cairo. Egyptian reports about the Israeli crossing were confusing and underestimated the scale of the problem. It was only when the Israeli forces in the west went on the offensive that the Egyptians realised their enemy was already in their backyard. The Egyptians suffered heavy losses. After two days of heavy fighting over the Chinese Farm, the remnants of the brigade that had blocked the road to the Canal retreated - but only after making the Israelis pay a steep price. “Yes, [it was a] painful victory, very painful, mainly because of the dead and the wounded,” remembers Uri Dan, an Israeli war correspondent. “In one night of the crossing of the Canal, we lost some 400 people. Tanks were fighting, some of them we saw in broad daylight later, one barrel against another, like two sword combatants in medieval time[s]. But, here they were tanks, both of them destroyed, maybe most of the people in … them dead. The valley of death next day, along the Canal was terrible, but we were on the other side of the Canal.” On October 18, the Israeli high command decided to capitalise on the successful crossing, building their presence on the western bank of the Canal to three armoured divisions. One division would move north to surround the Egyptian 2nd army and capture the city of Ismailia. The other two divisions would move south to encircle the Egyptian 3rd army and capture the city of Suez. Soon after, Sadat summoned the Soviet ambassador to Egypt and told him that he was ready to accept a ceasefire. This time, however, it was the Israelis who had no interest. “We can say that Israel had a greater interest in the ceasefire not kicking in right at that moment because it still had work to do – still territory it wants to capture,” explains Rabinovich. Global implications Two weeks into the war, and with the opposing forces locked in a stalemate, Henry Kissinger, the US secretary of state, arrived in Moscow. His goal was to agree a UN ceasefire acceptable to Egypt’s Soviet allies. On October 22, the UN Security Council adopted Resolution 338, calling for a ceasefire. The fighting was due to stop at 6.52pm Middle Eastern time. But as morning broke on October 23, Israelis forces went into action as normal. By the end of the day they had bypassed Suez City and reached the port of Adabia. The Egyptian 3rd army, dug in on the eastern side of the Canal, was surrounded by Israeli troops on every side – 35,000 men were cut off from their bases. On October 23, the Security Council reconvened to confirm the ceasefire - issuing Resolution 339 and directing that UN observers be dispatched to the front. This new ceasefire was scheduled to go into effect at 7am the following day. But, once again, Israel broke it. “Their main target was a big city, the conquering of a big city, either Ismailia or Suez. A city with a big name,” explains El-Ghitani. “They were fighting more of a media battle, but at the same time, they wanted to achieve a bigger political goal.” The battle for Suez Until the Six Day War, Suez was a flourishing industrial city and port. But after 1967, the city found itself on the frontline between Egypt and Israeli-occupied Sinai. A target for Israeli attacks, it was soon reduced to rubble. A quarter of a million people were evacuated leaving the city virtually abandoned. Just 5,000 people remained to manage the infrastructure and man the remaining factories. Early on October 24, just as the new ceasefire was scheduled to start, Israeli tanks and troops moved into the semi-deserted city. But they soon encountered resistance from a small militia. By the time they were driven from the city, 80 Israeli soldiers were dead and 120 wounded. On the same day, an alarming message reached Washington: the Soviets were considering taking unilateral action to impose the ceasefire. With Richard Nixon, the US president, submerged in the ‘Watergate Scandal’, it was left to Henry Kissinger, the US secretary of state, to handle the crisis. He decided to respond to the Soviet threat with a show of force. The US armed forces state of alert was raised to the highest level in peacetime. Walter J Boyne, the author of The Two O'Clock War says: “The question of the US versus [the] Soviet Union always boils down to mutual annihilation: we could’ve killed everybody in the Soviet Union, they could’ve killed everybody in the US, and the rest of the world would’ve gone. It was an absolutely insane situation. The thing that saved it was that each side knew that if a war occurred the leaders themselves would get killed. So when you know you are going to get killed in a war, not just some poor peasant soldier is going to get killed, you make different decisions about starting a war.” The next day, diplomacy prevailed, the Soviets stepped back and the alert was defused. But for a full 24 hours, the world had stood on the brink of a war between two nuclear superpowers. Meanwhile, the UN Security Council issued Resolution 340 – its third in less than four days. Fighting on alone As the balance shifted in favour of Israel, other Arab countries sent troops in support of Syria and Egypt. The Syrian front was strengthened by the arrival of expeditionary forces from Iraq, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. The plan was to use this cocktail of Arab forces to drive the Israelis out of the pocket they had occupied in the Syrian mainland. The date of the attack was set for October 23. But it would never happen, because Egypt’s Sadat had accepted a UN ceasefire that would take effect that evening. Al-Assad now faced the prospect of fighting on alone, so the Syrians, too, bowed to the inevitable. But one major open sore remained for Tel Aviv. The Israeli listening post on top of Mount Hermon had been captured by Syrian paratroopers on the first day of war. With Israel now in the ascendant, on October 23, the Golani Brigade attacked. They suffered heavy losses but secured their prize. I definitely don’t think that there are any winners in war. There'll be someone who loses more, someone who loses less, but there are no winners in wars, and that’s something which has stayed with me since 1973. Yoram Dori, 600th Israeli Reserve Armoured Brigade On the Suez front, 35,000 Egyptian troops remained in a perilous position, cut off from their supply line. But the Israelis were also facing a major problem. For the first time in the history of the Arab-Israeli conflict, Egypt was holding a large number of Israeli prisoners of war - 230 in total. In Israel, demonstrators took to the streets, accusing Golda Meir’s government of not doing enough to bring the captured soldiers home. On October 28, Israeli and Egyptian military leaders met to negotiate a ceasefire. It was the first meeting between military representatives of the two countries in 25 years. But the negotiations quickly became strained as skirmishes continued in the confusion of the battlefield. Shuttle diplomacy Meanwhile the effects of this war began to be felt globally. Arab oil-producing countries had formulated a plan to use the price of oil to pressure Western supporters of Israel. By mid-October several of the biggest producers had unilaterally raised prices by nearly 20 percent. On Tuesday, November 6, Kissinger, flew in to Cairo for his first ever meeting with Sadat. Four days later, an initial agreement was signed guaranteeing daily convoys of non-military supplies to the city of Suez and the besieged Egyptian 3rd army. Four days later, prisoners from both sides were exchanged. As the New Year arrived, Kissinger returned to the region to hammer out the next step in his grand plan for Egyptian-Israeli disengagement. On January 11, 1974, he arrived in the southern Egyptian city of Aswan to meet Sadat. The next day, he left for Tel Aviv. Both sides accepted a disengagement agreement and a new term had entered the lexicon of international politics – shuttle diplomacy. On January 18, 1974, General Mohamed El-Gamassy, the Egyptian chief of staff, and General David Elazar, his Israeli counterpart, signed an agreement that was the first in a chain that would lead to total Israeli withdrawal from Sinai in April 1982. “The greatness of that war, the October war, was that it had [an] impact not only on the political, military and security level, but on the Israeli citizen himself, in accepting the idea that I can leave the land I occupy to feel more secure,” says Mansour Abdul Wahab, an Egyptian political analyst. But as Israel’s troops celebrated their withdrawal, the mood back home was different. “Israel lost 2,600 men – killed. Per capita, this is three times the death rate of the Americans in Vietnam over 10 years. This Israel suffered in three weeks,” explains Rabinovich. A Commission of Investigation headed by the president of the Israeli Supreme Court placed the blame firmly on Israel’s military. It cleared Meir and Moshe Dayan, the country’s defence minister, but the Israeli public was not appeased. Demonstrations broke out and, nine days after the commission published its report, Meir resigned. Meanwhile, the Israelis were still occupying a salient deep inside Syria, not far from the capital Damascus. So, in May 1974, Kissinger set out on his second round of shuttle diplomacy, this time between Damascus and Tel Aviv. After almost a month of hard talking, the US secretary of state managed to secure a second breakthrough in the region when, on May 28, Israel approved a disengagement agreement with Syria. It was signed in Geneva on June 5, bringing the War in October to an official end after 243 days of fighting. Yoram Dori from the 600th Israeli Reserve Armoured Brigade says: “I definitely don’t think that there are any winners in war. There’ll be someone who loses more, someone who loses less, but there are no winners in wars, and that’s something which has stayed with me since 1973.” Source: Al Jazeera	i don't know
In the novel ‘Jane Eyre’ by Charlotte Bronte, what is the name of Mr Rochester’s home?	SparkNotes: Jane Eyre: Character List Character List Plot Overview Analysis of Major Characters Jane Eyre - The protagonist and narrator of the novel, Jane is an intelligent, honest, plain-featured young girl forced to contend with oppression, inequality, and hardship. Although she meets with a series of individuals who threaten her autonomy, Jane repeatedly succeeds at asserting herself and maintains her principles of justice, human dignity, and morality. She also values intellectual and emotional fulfillment. Her strong belief in gender and social equality challenges the Victorian prejudices against women and the poor. Read an in-depth analysis of Jane Eyre. Edward Rochester - Jane’s employer and the master of Thornfield, Rochester is a wealthy, passionate man with a dark secret that provides much of the novel’s suspense. Rochester is unconventional, ready to set aside polite manners, propriety, and consideration of social class in order to interact with Jane frankly and directly. He is rash and impetuous and has spent much of his adult life roaming about Europe in an attempt to avoid the consequences of his youthful indiscretions. His problems are partly the result of his own recklessness, but he is a sympathetic figure because he has suffered for so long as a result of his early marriage to Bertha. Read an in-depth analysis of Edward Rochester. St. John Rivers - Along with his sisters, Mary and Diana, St. John (pronounced “Sinjin”) serves as Jane’s benefactor after she runs away from Thornfield, giving her food and shelter. The minister at Morton, St. John is cold, reserved, and often controlling in his interactions with others. Because he is entirely alienated from his feelings and devoted solely to an austere ambition, St. John serves as a foil to Edward Rochester. Read an in-depth analysis of St. John Rivers. Mrs. Reed - Mrs. Reed is Jane’s cruel aunt, who raises her at Gateshead Hall until Jane is sent away to school at age ten. Later in her life, Jane attempts reconciliation with her aunt, but the old woman continues to resent her because her husband had always loved Jane more than his own children. Bessie Lee - The maid at Gateshead, Bessie is the only figure in Jane’s childhood who regularly treats her kindly, telling her stories and singing her songs. Bessie later marries Robert Leaven, the Reeds’ coachman. Mr. Lloyd - Mr. Lloyd is the Reeds’ apothecary, who suggests that Jane be sent away to school. Always kind to Jane, Mr. Lloyd writes a letter to Miss Temple confirming Jane’s story about her childhood and clearing Jane of Mrs. Reed’s charge that she is a liar. Georgiana Reed - Georgiana Reed is Jane’s cousin and one of Mrs. Reed’s two daughters. The beautiful Georgiana treats Jane cruelly when they are children, but later in their lives she befriends her cousin and confides in her. Georgiana attempts to elope with a man named Lord Edwin Vere, but her sister, Eliza, alerts Mrs. Reed of the arrangement and sabotages the plan. After Mrs. Reed dies, Georgiana marries a wealthy man. Eliza Reed - Eliza Reed is Jane’s cousin and one of Mrs. Reed’s two daughters (along with her sister, Georgiana). Not as beautiful as her sister, Eliza devotes herself somewhat self-righteously to the church and eventually goes to a convent in France where she becomes the Mother Superior. John Reed - John Reed is Jane’s cousin, Mrs. Reed’s son, and brother to Eliza and Georgiana. John treats Jane with appalling cruelty during their childhood and later falls into a life of drinking and gambling. John commits suicide midway through the novel when his mother ceases to pay his debts for him. Helen Burns - Helen Burns is Jane’s close friend at the Lowood School. She endures her miserable life there with a passive dignity that Jane cannot understand. Helen dies of consumption in Jane’s arms. Read an in-depth analysis of Helen Burns. Mr. Brocklehurst - The cruel, hypocritical master of the Lowood School, Mr. Brocklehurst preaches a doctrine of privation, while stealing from the school to support his luxurious lifestyle. After a typhus epidemic sweeps Lowood, Brocklehurst’s shifty and dishonest practices are brought to light and he is publicly discredited. Maria Temple - Maria Temple is a kind teacher at Lowood, who treats Jane and Helen with respect and compassion. Along with Bessie Lee, she serves as one of Jane’s first positive female role models. Miss Temple helps clear Jane of Mrs. Reed’s accusations against her. Miss Scatcherd - Jane’s sour and vicious teacher at Lowood, Miss Scatcherd behaves with particular cruelty toward Helen. Alice Fairfax - Alice Fairfax is the housekeeper at Thornfield Hall. She is the first to tell Jane that the mysterious laughter often heard echoing through the halls is, in fact, the laughter of Grace Poole—a lie that Rochester himself often repeats. Bertha Mason - Rochester’s clandestine wife, Bertha Mason is a formerly beautiful and wealthy Creole woman who has become insane, violent, and bestial. She lives locked in a secret room on the third story of Thornfield and is guarded by Grace Poole, whose occasional bouts of inebriation sometimes enable Bertha to escape. Bertha eventually burns down Thornfield, plunging to her death in the flames. Grace Poole - Grace Poole is Bertha Mason’s keeper at Thornfield, whose drunken carelessness frequently allows Bertha to escape. When Jane first arrives at Thornfield, Mrs. Fairfax attributes to Grace all evidence of Bertha’s misdeeds. Adèle Varens - Jane’s pupil at Thornfield, Adèle Varens is a lively though somewhat spoiled child from France. Rochester brought her to Thornfield after her mother, Celine, abandoned her. Although Celine was once Rochester’s mistress, he does not believe himself to be Adèle’s father. Celine Varens - Celine Varens is a French opera dancer with whom Rochester once had an affair. Although Rochester does not believe Celine’s claims that he fathered her daughter Adèle, he nonetheless brought the girl to England when Celine abandoned her. Rochester had broken off his relationship with Celine after learning that Celine was unfaithful to him and interested only in his money. Sophie - Sophie is Adèle’s French nurse at Thornfield. Richard Mason - Richard Mason is Bertha’s brother. During a visit to Thornfield, he is injured by his mad sister. After learning of Rochester’s intent to marry Jane, Mason arrives with the solicitor Briggs in order to thwart the wedding and reveal the truth of Rochester’s prior marriage. Mr. Briggs - John Eyre’s attorney, Mr. Briggs helps Richard Mason prevent Jane’s wedding to Rochester when he learns of the existence of Bertha Mason, Rochester’s wife. After John Eyre’s death, Briggs searches for Jane in order to give her her inheritance. Blanche Ingram - Blanche Ingram is a beautiful socialite who despises Jane and hopes to marry Rochester for his money. Diana Rivers - Diana Rivers is Jane’s cousin, and the sister of St. John and Mary. Diana is a kind and intelligent person, and she urges Jane not to go to India with St. John. She serves as a model for Jane of an intellectually gifted and independent woman. Mary Rivers - Mary Rivers is Jane’s cousin, the sister of St. John and Diana. Mary is a kind and intelligent young woman who is forced to work as a governess after her father loses his fortune. Like her sister, she serves as a model for Jane of an independent woman who is also able to maintain close relationships with others and a sense of meaning in her life. Rosamond Oliver - Rosamond is the beautiful daughter of Mr. Oliver, Morton’s wealthiest inhabitant. Rosamond gives money to the school in Morton where Jane works. Although she is in love with St. John, she becomes engaged to the wealthy Mr. Granby. John Eyre - John Eyre is Jane’s uncle, who leaves her his vast fortune of 20,000 pounds. Uncle Reed - Uncle Reed is Mrs. Reed’s late husband. In her childhood, Jane believes that she feels the presence of his ghost. Because he was always fond of Jane and her mother (his sister), Uncle Reed made his wife promise that she would raise Jane as her own child. It is a promise that Mrs. Reed does not keep.	Thornfield Hall
On a mobile phone keypad, the letters ‘MNO’ are on which number button?	Mr. Edward Rochester in Jane Eyre (Click the character infographic to download.) Mr. Rochester is stern-featured, heavy-browed, craggy-faced, rude, abrupt, horny, twice Jane’s age, always on the edge of violence, likes to order people around, keeps his wife locked in the attic, and teases Jane on at least one occasion until she cries. Here’s the crazy part: that’s why he’s so awesome. He may be fantastically ugly. He may be kind of a jerk. But he’s real! Well, okay, he’s not real. He’s a character in Jane Eyre. But you know what we’re talking about; he’s a genuine-seeming character, not some stuck-up, pompous, handsome young man who smoothly says all the proper things and doesn’t have any personality of his own. This novel isn’t about proper behavior; it’s about passion. Tale as Old as Time Rochester is sort of like the Beast half of a "Beauty and the Beast" story. (Forget for a minute that Jane’s no beauty.) He’s even got a sort of shaggy mane of hair that makes him look beast-ish, and at the end of the novel, when he’s locked himself away at Ferndean to wallow in his own self-pity, he’s described as "some wronged and fettered wild beast or bird, dangerous to approach in his sullen woe" (3.11.9). Of course, if Rochester is the Beast, then Jane will have to do something to tame him. Instead of subduing him once and for all, she develops little ways of manipulating him—making him irritated when he’s horny so that he curses her instead of hitting on her, for example, when they’re engaged for the first time: In other people’s presence I was, as formerly, deferential and quiet; any other line of conduct being uncalled for: it was only in the evening conferences I thus thwarted and afflicted him. He continued to send for me punctually the moment the clock struck seven; though when I appeared before him now, he had no such honeyed terms as "love" and "darling" on his lips: the best words at my service were "provoking puppet," "malicious elf," "sprite," "changeling," &c. For caresses, too, I now got grimaces; for a pressure of the hand, a pinch on the arm; for a kiss on the cheek, a severe tweak of the ear. It was all right: at present I decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender. […] Meantime, Mr. Rochester affirmed I was wearing him to skin and bone, and threatened awful vengeance for my present conduct at some period fast coming. I laughed in my sleeve at his menaces. "I can keep you in reasonable check now," I reflected; "and I don’t doubt to be able to do it hereafter: if one expedient loses its virtue, another must be devised." Yet after all my task was not an easy one; often I would rather have pleased than teased him. (2.9.171-172) There’s more danger than anything else in these strange evening dates. At points the reader is just a little bit nervous that Rochester’s a bit too wild or a bit too incapable of restraining his desires. We’re admittedly a little afraid for what might happen to Jane at some of those moments when he wildly clasps her to him. Perhaps that’s one reason Rochester gets compared in the novel to Bluebeard, the mythical nobleman who gets into a marry-and-murder cycle with one wife after another. There’s also a hint of the Arabian Nights here—in those tales, there's a woman named Scheherazade who has to keep coming up with stories to tell the king so he doesn’t behead her in the morning, like he did to his previous 3,000 wives. It’s pretty similar to the way Jane has to keep coming up with ways to tease Rochester and draw out his interest from day to day so that he doesn’t… what? Lose interest in her? Lose control and ravish or even rape her? Both of these seem possible at different points in the novel, though Rochester will later claim that he could never have harmed Jane. We’re not saying this is a healthy relationship... but Jane and Rochester seem to like it. They’re are always playing with the power dynamic between them: Jane likes to call Rochester her "master" and to "serve" him, but it’s also clear that she’s stronger—emotionally and ethically—than he is, and that he (this Beast + Bluebeard + Persian King dude) desperately needs her. Morals? Ethics? I Have Some of those Around Here Somewhere. Check Under the Sofa Cushions. Rochester likes to make excuses for himself: he’s not a bad person by nature, he was just in a really bad situation with this whole Bertha thing, what could he do but lock her in the attic and sleep his way across Europe, huh? And what’s he supposed to do now that he can’t get a divorce—just take care of his wife for the rest of her life, considering that he’s got all her money anyway and that he shipped her across the Atlantic away from any friends or family who might have helped her? As if! Bigamy is clearly the only reasonable option, right? Jane’s different from all the previous women in Rochester’s life because she won’t let him get away with that kind of bogus logic. Rochester’s long, sophisticated (read: BS) explanations of why his particular situation requires a new and different sort of morality don’t convince Jane at all: [Mr. Rochester:] "[S]ince happiness is irrevocably denied me, I have a right to get pleasure out of life: and I will get it, cost what it may." [Jane:] "Then you will degenerate still more, sir." "Possibly: yet why should I, if I can get sweet, fresh pleasure? And I may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor." "It will sting—it will taste bitter, sir." "How do you know?—you never tried it. […] I scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error. I believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation: it was very genial, very soothing—I know that. Here it comes again! It is no devil, I assure you; or if it be, it has put on the robes of an angel of light. I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart." (1.14.65-71) Rochester makes two assumptions about ethics here that are different from Jane’s: 1) that something must be right and good just because it’s pleasant, and 2) that moral principles are not absolute and unchanging, but relative to one’s situation. Jane doesn’t know what he’s thinking at this point, but we do: that it couldn’t be wrong for him to get romantically involved with her, because he doesn’t really have any existing romance in his life and dating Jane would be great. Jane may not be convinced, but perhaps the reader is, just a little bit. We’re always willing to overlook some of Rochester’s more glaring flaws in order to indulge the passion he and Jane share. That’s one of the strange things about Jane Eyre being a novel with a moralistic side: although Jane always draws a line in the sand and upholds her principles, even the ethically strict Victorian reader might start to see why Rochester’s claims for moral relativity make some sense. After all, he did really get shafted by his father and brother when he was young and they tricked him into marrying Bertha. Blinded By Love (and a House Fire) It’s not surprising that Rochester is injured in the fire that destroys Thornfield Hall, but perhaps it is a little strange that one of his injuries is blindness. With one eye gouged out and the other inflamed, Rochester is uglier than ever, and now he can’t see. We’d like to be able to say that he can see—he "sees the error of his ways"—and that's sort of true. At least, Rochester claims that he gets it: I did wrong: I would have sullied my innocent flower—breathed guilt on its purity: the Omnipotent snatched it from me. [...] Divine justice pursued its course; disasters came thick on me: I was forced to pass through the valley of the shadow of death. His chastisements are mighty; and one smote me which has humbled me for ever. You know I was proud of my strength: but what is it now, when I must give it over to foreign guidance, as a child does its weakness? Of late, Jane—only—only of late—I began to see and acknowledge the hand of God in my doom. I began to experience remorse, repentance; the wish for reconcilement to my Maker. I began sometimes to pray: very brief prayers they were, but very sincere. (3.11.248) What Rochester seems to understand is that his attempt at bigamy would have negatively impacted Jane ("sullied my innocent flower"). He doesn't think that it negatively impacts him in a moral sense, but at least it’s a start. In literature, there’s more to blindness than meets the eye. (Sorry for that one; we couldn’t resist.) You may know the legend of Odin, the king of the Norse gods, who traded one of his eyes in exchange for wisdom. Or maybe you know about Tiresias , a Greek prophet who supposedly became blind but gained "inner sight." What we’re trying to say is that there’s a long mythological and literary tradition of exchanging physical sight for metaphorical sight, and Rochester’s blindness alludes to that tradition. It’s not a perfect parallel, though; Rochester seems more depressed than enlightened. So what does it mean that Rochester gets his sense of sight back two years after he marries Jane? Perhaps whatever wisdom he gained while dealing with their bad breakup disappears, too, and he goes back to feeling entitled to pleasure and happiness. Perhaps it just means that we need to have miracles at the end of a romance in order to really feel like we’re getting that classic happy ending.	i don't know
The Bank of England was established during the reign of which British monarch?	BBC - History - British History in depth: The Glorious Revolution Print this page Fear of Catholic tyranny The Glorious Revolution of 1688-1689 replaced the reigning king, James II, with the joint monarchy of his protestant daughter Mary and her Dutch husband, William of Orange. It was the keystone of the Whig (those opposed to a Catholic succession) history of Britain. According to the Whig account, the events of the revolution were bloodless and the revolution settlement established the supremacy of parliament over the crown, setting Britain on the path towards constitutional monarchy and parliamentary democracy. But it ignores the extent to which the events of 1688 constituted a foreign invasion of England by another European power, the Dutch Republic. Although bloodshed in England was limited, the revolution was only secured in Ireland and Scotland by force and with much loss of life. England would become merely a satellite state, under the control of an all-powerful Catholic monarch. Moreover, the British causes of the revolution were as much religious as political. Indeed, the immediate constitutional impact of the revolution settlement was minimal. Nonetheless, over the course of the reign of William III (1689-1702) society underwent significant and long-lasting changes. To understand why James II’s most powerful subjects eventually rose up in revolt against him we need to understand the deep-seated fear of 'popery' in Stuart England. 'Popery' meant more than just a fear or hatred of Catholics and the Catholic church. It reflected a widely-held belief in an elaborate conspiracy theory, that Catholics were actively plotting the overthrow of church and state. In their place would be established a Catholic tyranny, with England becoming merely a satellite state, under the control of an all-powerful Catholic monarch, (in the era of the Glorious Revolution, identified with Louis XIV of France). This conspiracy theory was given credibility by the existence of some genuine catholic subterfuge, most notably the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. A new crisis of ‘popery and arbitrary government' erupted in the late 1670s. Public anxieties were raised by the issue of the royal succession. Charles II fathered no legitimate offspring. This meant that the crown would pass to his brother, James, Duke of York, whose conversion to Catholicism had become public knowledge in 1673. Public concern about the succession reached fever pitch in the years 1678-1681. The so-called ‘exclusion crisis’ was provoked by allegations made by Titus Oates, a former Jesuit novice, of a popish plot to assassinate Charles II and place his brother on the throne. The fantastical plot was given credibility by the mysterious death of Sir Edmund Bury Godfrey, the magistrate who first investigated Oates’ claims. Whig politicians within parliament, led by the earl of Shaftesbury, promoted exclusion bills which would have prevented James from succeeding to the throne. But the radical tactics deployed by the king’s opponents, including mass petitions and demonstrations, gradually alienated some initial supporters of exclusion. Charles’s hand was strengthened further by an agreement with France reached in March 1681, by which the king received £385,000 over three years. With this financial support, and with public opinion turning against his critics, Charles was able to dissolve parliament on 28 March 1681. Top Rebellion and revolt James II © James II’s authority appeared to be secure when he succeeded to the throne in February 1685. The king’s initial promises to defend the existing government in church and state reassured many of those worried by his personal faith. James was well-off financially, with a tax revenue over £1,200,000. The manipulation of borough charters in the last years of Charles II’s reign ensured that James’ first parliament was dominated by loyal Tories. Parliament also voted James considerable emergency sums to suppress the rebellion raised by Charles II’s eldest illegitimate son, the duke of Monmouth in June 1685. James’ army of professional soldiers easily crushed the 3,000 to 4,000 rebels who joined Monmouth’s cause. Initial support for the king ebbed away as it became clear that he wished to secure not only freedom of worship for Catholics, but also the removal of the Test and Corporation Acts so that they could occupy public office. Unease at the king’s appointment of Catholic officers to the army forced him to prorogue parliament on 20 November 1685. In April 1687, James issued a declaration of indulgence, suspending penal laws against Catholics. James then attempted to secure his religious objectives through the use of his prerogative powers. The test case of Godden vs Hales (1686) established James’ right to suspend the provisions of the Test Acts, thereby allowing the king to appoint a number of Catholic peers to his Privy Council. In April 1687, James issued a declaration of indulgence, suspending penal laws against Catholics and granting toleration to some Protestant dissenters. In the summer of 1687, James formally dissolved his parliament and began canvassing officials across the country regarding their support for the formal repeal of the Test Acts. The information was used to begin a purge of corporations, aimed at producing a pliable parliament which would agree to the king’s wishes. These measures met with increasing opposition from the Anglican-Tory establishment. In July, members of Magdalen College, Oxford were stripped of their fellowships for refusing to appoint the king’s choice, Samuel Parker, a bishop who supported the repeal of the Test Acts, as their college president. In May of 1688, seven leading bishops, including William Sancroft, Archbishop of Canterbury, refused to follow the order to read the king’s second declaration of indulgence from their pulpits. James responded by having them arrested for seditious libel and taken to the Tower of London. Their acquittal at trial was met with widespread public rejoicing. Top Dutch invasion The Anglican campaign against James II’s religious policies went no further than passive resistance. But a number of English peers including the earls of Danby and Halifax, and Henry Compton, Bishop of London, went further, making contact with the Dutch leader, William of Orange. Two factors moved James II’s opponents to urge William to intervene militarily. Firstly, after years of trying, James’ Catholic second wife finally fell pregnant. The birth of a healthy male heir, James Edward Stuart, on 10 June 1688, dashed hopes that the crown would soon pass to James’s protestant daughter Mary. Secondly, William’s co-conspirators believed that the parliament James planned to summon in the autumn would repeal the Test Acts. William’s main reason for interfering in English affairs was pragmatic – to bring England into his war against France. The grave danger posed to the Protestant succession and the Anglican establishment led seven peers to write to William on 30 June 1688, pledging their support to the prince if he brought a force into England against James. William had already begun making military preparations for an invasion of England before this letter was sent. Indeed, the letter itself mainly served a propaganda purpose, to allow the prince of Orange to present his intervention as a mercy mission. In fact, William’s main reason for interfering in English affairs was essentially pragmatic – he wished to bring England into his war against Louis XIV’s France and a free parliament was seen as more likely to support this. The forces that the prince of Orange amassed for his invasion were vast, the flotilla consisting of 43 men-of-war, four light frigates and 10 fireships protecting over 400 flyboats capable of carrying 21,000 soldiers. All in all, it was an armada four times the size of that launched by the Spanish in 1588. Top Revolution Aided by the so-called ‘Protestant wind’ which prevented James’ navy from intercepting the Dutch fleet, William landed at Torbay, Devon, on 5 November 1688, the exact timing of his landfall neatly fitting with the anniversary of another celebrated moment when the nation was delivered from popery. James had made military preparations for the defence of England over the summer and autumn of 1688 and his army encamped on Hounslow Heath was, at about 25,000 men, numerically larger than the force brought over by William. For the first time since the 1640s, England was faced with the prospect of civil war. News of the prince’s arrival had sparked off waves of anti-Catholic rioting in towns and cities across England. The civil unrest convinced James to leave London and bring out his forces to meet the invading army in a pitched battle. James made his first attempt to escape, but was captured by Kent fishermen near Sheerness. But the Orangist conspiracy against James had been maturing for years and had infiltrated James’ own army, with the king’s nephew, Lord Cornbury, one of the first to defect to William. At this point, James’ health also deserted him. He was frequently debilitated by heavy nosebleeds. Having reached Salisbury on 19 November with the intention of resisting William’s advance, James had by the 23 November resolved to retreat back to London. The desertions continued, with the defection of John Churchill, later Duke of Marlborough, and James’ son-in-law, the Prince of Denmark on 24 November. The final betrayal came on the king’s return to his capital on the 26 November when he discovered that his daughter, Princess Anne had also absconded to join the Orangist side. James now announced that he was willing to agree to William’s main demand - to call a ‘free’ parliament. However, the king was now convinced that his own life was in danger and was making preparations to flee the country. Meanwhile, William’s advance upon the capital had met with some resistance - a bloody skirmish at Reading on 7 December with over 50 killed. On 11 December, in the wake of renewed anti-Catholic rioting in London, James made his first attempt to escape, but was captured by Kent fishermen near Sheerness. The king’s capture was an inconvenience for William, who was now looked upon as the only individual capable of restoring order to the country, and on 23 December, with the prince’s connivance, James successfully fled the country. The ‘convention parliament’, made up of members from Charles II’s last parliament, convened on 22 January 1689. After considerable pressure from William himself, parliament agreed that he would rule as joint monarch with Mary, rather than act merely as her consort, and on 13 February William and Mary formally accepted the throne. Before they were offered the crown, William and Mary were presented with a document called the Declaration of Rights, later enshrined in law as the Bill of Rights, which affirmed a number of constitutional principles, such as the illegality of prerogative suspending and dispensing powers, the prohibition of taxation without parliamentary consent and the need for regular parliaments. In reality, the Bill of Rights placed few real restrictions on the crown. It was not until 1694 that the call for regular parliaments was backed up by the Triennial Act. Pressure from William also ensured the passage in May 1689 of the Toleration Act, granting many Protestant groups, but not Catholics, freedom of worship. This toleration was, however, considerably more limited than that envisaged by James II. Top Consequences If we take the revolution to encompass the whole of William III’s reign, it certainly imposed limitations on royal authority. Parliament gained powers over taxation, over the royal succession, over appointments and over the right of the crown to wage war independently, concessions that William thought were a price worth paying in return for parliament’s financial support for his war against France. William’s wars profoundly changed the British state. Their massive cost led not only to growth of modern financial institutions – most notably the Bank of England founded in 1694 – but also to greater scrutiny of crown expenditure through parliamentary committees of accounts. The bureaucracy required to harvest all this money grew exponentially too. In Ireland and Scotland, the settlements were extremely politically and religiously divisive. The revolution’s legacy might be seen as negative in other ways. In Ireland and Scotland, the revolution was militarily contested and its settlements extremely politically and religiously divisive. For example, Irish Protestants disregarded the generous peace terms of the Treaty of Limerick (3 October 1691) and established a monopoly over land-ownership and political power. The revolution also failed to limit the power of parliaments and created no body of protected constitutional law. Therefore the Septennial Act of 1716 was able to effectively undermine the terms of the 1694 Triennial Act, ushering in the lengthy rule of a Whig oligarchy. The revolution also fostered the growth of slavery by ending the Royal African Company’s monopoly on the trade in 1698. For the non-white inhabitants of the British Atlantic empire, the Glorious Revolution represented not the broadening of freedom but the expansion of servitude. William III by T Claydon (Longman, 2002) Revolution: The Great Crisis of the British Monarchy by T Harris (Allen Lane, 2006) The Anglo-Dutch Moment: Essays on the Glorious Revolution and its World Impact by J Israel ed. (Cambridge University Press, 2003) The Glorious Revolution by J Miller (Longman, 2nd edn., 1999) The Glorious Revolution: A Brief History with Documents by SC A Pincus (St. Martin’s Press, 2005) England in the 1690s by C Rose (Blackwell, 1999) James II by WA Speck (Longman, 2002) The Glorious Revolution: 1688 and Britain’s Fight for Liberty by E Vallance (Little, Brown and Co, 2006) Top About the author Dr Edward Vallance is Lecturer in Early Modern British History at the University of Liverpool. He works on seventeenth-century British political and religious history and is the author of Revolutionary England and the National Covenant: State Oaths, Protestantism and the Political Nation, 1553-1682 (Boydell, 2005) and The Glorious Revolution: 1688 and Britain's Fight for Liberty (Little, Brown and Co, 2006). He is currently writing a history of English radicalism from Magna Carta to the present day.	William III
Which fraternal organisation has a square and compasses, with or without a letter ‘G’, as its logo?	Timeline of the Kings & Queens of England There have been 66 monarchs of England and Britain spread over a period of 1500 years. SAXON KINGS EGBERT 827 - 839 Egbert (Ecgherht) was the first monarch to establish a stable and extensive rule over all of Anglo-Saxon England. After returning from exile at the court of Charlemagne in 802, he regained his kingdom of Wessex. Following his conquest of Mercia in 827, he controlled all of England south of the Humber. After further victories in Northumberland and North Wales, he is recognised by the title Bretwalda ( Anglo-Saxon , "ruler of the British". A year before he died aged almost 70, he defeated a combined force of Danes and Cornish at Hingston Down in Cornwall. He is buried at Winchester in Hampshire. AETHELWULF 839-856 King of Wessex , son of Egbert and father of Alfred the Great. In 851 Aethelwulf defeated a Danish army at the battle of Oakley while his eldest son Althelstan fought and beat the Danes at sea off the coast of Kent , in what is believed to be the first naval battle. A highly religous man, Athelwulf travelled to Rome with his son Alfred to see the Pope in 855. AETHELBALD 856 - 860 The eldest son of Aethelwulf, Æthelbald was born around 834. He was crowned at Kingston-upon-Thames in southwest London, after forcing his father to abdicate upon his return from pilgrimage to Rome. Following his fathers death in 858, he married his widowed stepmother Judith, but under pressure from the church the marriage was annulled after only a year. He is buried at Sherbourne Abbey in Dorset . AETHELBERT 860 - 866 Became king following the death of his brother Æthelbald. Like his brother and his father, Aethelbert (pictured to the right) was crowned at Kingston-Upon-Thames. Shortly after his succession a Danish army landed and sacked Winchester before being defeated by the Saxons. In 865 the Viking Great Heathen Army landed in East Anglia and swept across England. He is buried at Sherborne Abbey. AETHELRED I 866 - 871 Aethelred succeeded his brother Aethelbert. His reign was one long struggle with the Danes who had occupied York in 866, establishing the Viking kingdom of Yorvik . When the Danish Army moved south Wessex itself was threatened, and so together with his brother Alfred, they fought several battles with the Vikings at Reading, Ashdown and Basing. Aethelred suffered serious injuries during the next major battle at Meretun in Hampshire; he died of his wounds shortly after at Witchampton in Dorset, where he was buried. ALFRED THE GREAT 871 - 899 - son of AETHELWULF Born at Wantage in Berkshire around 849, Alfred was well educated and is said to have visited Rome on two occasions. He had proven himself to be a strong leader in many battles, and as a wise ruler managed to secure five uneasy years of peace with the Danes, before they attacked Wessex again in 877. Alfred was forced to retreat to a small island in the Somerset Levels and it was from here that he masterminded his comeback, perhaps ' burning the cakes ' as a consequence. With major victories at Edington, Rochester and London, Alfred established Saxon Christian rule over first Wessex, and then on to most of England. To secure his hard won boundaries Alfred founded a permanent army and an embryonic Royal Navy. To secure his place in history, he began the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles. EDWARD (The Elder) 899 - 924 Succeeded his father Alfred the Great. Edward retook southeast England and the Midlands from the Danes. Following the the death of his sister Aethelflaed of Mercia , Edward unites the kingdoms of Wessex and Mercia. In 923, the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles record that the Scottish King Constantine II recognises Edward as "father and lord". The following year, Edward is killed in a battle against the Welsh near Chester . His body is returned to Winchester for burial. ATHELSTAN 924 - 939 Son of Edward the Elder, Athelstan extended the boundaries of his kingdom at the Battle of Brunanburh in 937. In what is said to be one of the bloodiest battles ever fought on British soil, Athelstan defeated a combined army of Scots, Celts, Danes and Vikings, claiming the title of King of all Britain. The battle saw for the first time individual Anglo-Saxon kingdoms being brought together to create a single and unified England. Athelstan is buried in Malmesbury, Wiltshire . EDMUND 939 - 946 Succeeded his half-bother Athelastan as king at the tender age of 18, having already fought alongside him at the Batlle of Brunanburh two years earlier. He re-established Anglo-Saxon control over northern England, which had fallen back under Scandanavian rule following the death of Athelstan. Aged just 25, and whilst celebrating the feast of Augustine, Edmund was stabbed by a robber in his royal hall at Pucklechurch near Bath . His two sons, Eadwig and Edgar, were perhaps considered too young to become kings. EADRED 946 - 955 The son of Edward the Elder by his third marriage to Eadgifu, Eadred succeeded his brother Edmund following his premature death. He followed in the family tradition of defeating Norsemen, expelling the last Scandanavian King of York, Eric Bloodaxe, in 954. A deeply religious man, Eadred suffered a serious stomach ailment that would eventually prove fatal. Eadred died in his early 30s, unmarried and without an heir, at Frome in Somerset. He is buried in Winchester. EADWIG 955 - 959 The eldest son of Edmund I, Eadwig was about 16 when he was crowned king at Kingston-upon-Thames in southeast London. Legend has it that his coronation had to be delayed to allow Bishop Dunstan to prise Eadwig from his bed, and from between the arms of his "strumpet" and the strumpets' mother. Perhaps unimpressed by the interruption, Eadwig had Dunstan exiled to France. Eadwig died in Gloucester when he was just 20, the circumstances of his death are not recorded. EDGAR 959 - 975 The youngest son of Edmund I, Edgar had been in dispute with his brother concerning succession to the throne for some years. Following Eadwig's mysterious death, Edgar immediately recalled Dunstan from exile, making him Archbishop of Canterbury as well as his personal advisor. Following his carefully planned (by Dunstan) coronation in Bath in 973, Edgar marched his army to Chester, to be met by six kings of Britain. The kings, including the King of Scots, King of Strathclyde and various princes of Wales , are said to have signalled their allegience to Edgar by rowing him in his state barge accross the River Dee. EDWARD THE MARTYR 975 - 978 Eldest son of Edgar, Edward was crowned king when aged just 12. Although supported by Archbishop Dunstan, his claim to the throne was contested by supporters of his much younger half-brother Aethelred. The resulting dispute between rival factions within the church and nobility almost led to civil war in England. Edward's short reign ended when he was murdered at Corfe Castle by followers of Aethelred, after just two and half years as king. The title 'martyr' was a consequence of him being seen as a victim of his stepmother's ambitions for her own son Aethelred. AETHELRED II THE UNREADY 978 - 1016 Aethelred was unable to organise resistance against the Danes, earning him the nickname 'unready', or 'badly advised'. He became king aged about 10, but fled to Normandy in 1013 when Sweyn Forkbeard, King of the Danes invaded England. Sweyn was pronounced King of England on Christmas Day 1013 and made his capital at Gainsborough, Lincolnshire. He died just 5 weeks later. Aethelred returned in 1014 after Sweyn's death. The remainder of Aethelred's reign was one of a constant state of war with Sweyn's son Canute. EDMUND II IRONSIDE 1016 - 1016 The son of Aethelred II, Edmund had led the resistance to Canute's invasion of England since 1015. Following the death of his father, he was chosen king by the good folk of London. The Witan (the king's council) however elected Canute. Following his defeat at the Battle of Assandun, Aethelred made a pact with Canute to divide the kingdom between them. Edmund died later that year, probably assassinated. CANUTE (CNUT THE GREAT) THE DANE 1016 - 1035 Canute became king of all England following the death of Edmund II. The son of Sweyn Forkbeard, he ruled well and gained favour with his English subjects by sending most of his army back to Denmark. In 1017, Canute married Emma of Normandy, the widow of Aethelred II and divided England into the four earldoms of East Anglia, Mercia, Northumbria and Wessex. Perhaps inspired by his pilgrimage to Rome in 1027, legend has it that he wanted to demonstrate to his subjects that as a king he was not a god, he ordered the tide not to come in, knowing this would fail. HAROLD I 1035 - 1040 Also known as Harold Harefoot, in recognition of his speed and skill as a hunter. Harold was the illegitimate son of Canute, he claimed the English crown on the death of his father whilst his half-brother Harthacanute, the rightful heir, was in Denmark fighting to protect his Danish kingdom. Harold died three years into his reign, just weeks before Harthacanute was due to invade England with an army of Danes. He was buried in Westminster Abbey before Harthacanute had his body dug up, beheaded, and thrown into the Thames. His bits were later gathered and re-buried at St. Clement Danes in London. HARTHACANUTE 1040 - 1042 The son of Cnut the Great and Emma of Normandy, Harthacanute sailed to England with his mother, accompanied by a fleet of 62 warships, and was immediately accepted as king. Perhaps to appease his mother, the year before he died Harthacanute invited his half-brother Edward, Emma's son from her first marriage to Aethelred the Unready, back from exile in Normandy. Harthacanute died at a wedding whilst toasting the health of the bride; he was aged just 24 and was the last Danish king to rule England EDWARD THE CONFESSOR 1042-1066 Following the death of Harthacanute, Edward restored the rule of the House of Wessex to the English throne. A deeply pious and religious man, he presided over the rebuilding of Westminster Abbey, leaving much of the running of the country to Earl Godwin and his son Harold. Edward died childless, eight days after the building work on Westminster Abbey had finished. With no natural successor, England was faced with a power struggle for control of the throne. HAROLD II 1066 Despite having no royal bloodline, Harold Godwin was elected king by the Witan (a council of high ranking nobles and religious leaders), following the death of Edward the Confessor. The election result failed to meet with the approval of one William, Duke of Normandy, who claimed that his relative Edward had promised the throne to him several years earlier. Harold defeated an invading Norwegian army at the Battle of Stamford Bridge in Yorkshire, then marched south to confront William of Normandy who had landed his forces in Sussex. The death of Harold at the Battle Of Hastings meant the end of the English Anglo-Saxon kings and the beginning of the Normans. NORMAN KINGS WILLIAM I (The Conqueror) 1066- 1087 Also known as William the Bastard (but not normally to his face!), he was the illigitimate son of Robert the Devil, whom he succeeded as Duke of Normandy in 1035. William came to England from Normandy, claiming that his second cousin Edward the Confessor had promised him the throne, and defeated Harold II at the Battle of Hastings on 14th October 1066. In 1085 the Domesday Survey was begun and all of England was recorded, so William knew exactly what his new kingdom contained and how much tax he could raise in order to fund his armies. William died at Rouen after a fall from his horse whilst beseiging the French city of Nantes. He is buried at Caen. WILLIAM II (Rufus) 1087- 1100 William was not a popular king, given to extravagance and cruelty. He never married and was killed in the New Forest by a stray arrow whilst out hunting, maybe accidentally, or possibly shot deliberately on the instructions of his younger brother Henry. Walter Tyrrell, one of the hunting party, was blamed for the deed. The Rufus Stone in The New Forest, Hampshire , marks the spot where he fell. HENRY I 1100-1135 Henry Beauclerc was the fourth and youngest son of William I. Well educated, he founded a zoo at Woodstock in Oxfordshire to study animals. He was called the 'Lion of Justice' as he gave England good laws, even if the punishments were ferocious. His two sons were drowned in the White Ship so his daughter Matilda was made his successor. She was married to Geoffrey Plantagenet. When Henry died of food poisoning, the Council considered a woman unfit to rule and so offered the throne to Stephen, a grandson of William I. STEPHEN 1135-1154 Stephen was a very weak king and the whole country was almost destroyed by the constant raids by the Scots and the Welsh. During Stephen's reign the Norman barons wielded great power, extorting money and looting town and country. A decade of civil war known as The Anarchy ensued when Matilda invaded from Anjou in 1139. A compromise was eventually decided, under the terms of the Treaty of Westminster Matilda's son Henry Plantagenet would succeed to the throne when Stephen died. HENRY II 1154-1189 Henry of Anjou was a strong king. A brilliant soldier, he extended his French lands until he ruled most of France. He laid the foundation of the English Jury System and raised new taxes (scutage) from the landholders to pay for a militia force. Henry is mostly remembered for his quarrel with Thomas A Becket, and Becket's subsequent murder in Canterbury Cathedral on 29th December 1170. His sons turned against him, even his favourite John. RICHARD I (The Lionheart) 1189 - 1199 Richard was the third son of Henry II. By the age of 16, he was leading his own army putting down rebellions in France. Although crowned King of England, Richard spent all but 6 months of his reign abroad, preferring to use the taxes from his kingdom to fund his various armies and military ventures. He was the leading Christian commander during the Third Crusade. On his way back from Palestine, Richard was captured and held for ransom. The amount paid for his safe return almost bankrupt the country. Richard died from an arrow-wound, far from the kingdom that he so rarely visited. He had no children. JOHN 1199 -1216 John Lackland was the fourth child of Henry II. Short and fat, he was jealous of his dashing brother Richard I whom he succeeded. He was cruel, self-indulgent, selfish and avaricious, and the raising of punitive taxes united all the elements of society, clerical and lay, against him. The Pope excommunicated him. On 15th June 1215 at Runnymede the barons compelled John to sign Magna Carta , the Great Charter, which reinstated the rights of all his subjects. John died - from over-eating - a fugitive from all his enemies. He has been termed "the worst English king". HENRY III 1216 -1272 Henry was 9 years old when he became king. Brought up by priests he became devoted to church, art and learning. He was a weak man, dominated by churchmen and easily influenced by his wife's French relations. In 1264 Henry was captured during the rebellion of barons led by Simon de Montfort and was forced to set up a 'Parlement' at Westminster, the start of the House of Commons. Henry was the greatest of all patrons of medieval architecture and ordered the rebuilding of Westminster Abbey in the Gothic style. Monarchs of England and Wales EDWARD I 1272 - 1307 Edward Longshanks was a statesman, lawyer and soldier. He formed the Model Parliament in 1295, bringing the knights, clergy and nobility, as well as the Lords and Commons together for the first time. Aiming at a united Britain, he defeated the Welsh chieftains and created his eldest son Prince of Wales. He was known as the 'Hammer of the Scots' for his victories in Scotland and brought the famous coronation stone from Scone to Westminster. When his first wife Eleanor died, he escorted her body from Grantham in Lincolnshire to Westminster, setting up Eleanor Crosses at every resting place. He died on the way to fight Robert Bruce . EDWARD II 1307 - deposed 1327 Edward was a weak and incompetent king. He had many 'favourites', Piers Gaveston being the most notorious. He was beaten by the Scots at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314. Edward was deposed and held captive in Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire. His wife joined her lover Mortimer in deposing him: by their orders he was murdered in Berkley Castle - as legend has it, by having a red-hot poker thrust up his anus! His beautiful tomb in Gloucester Cathedral was erected by his son, Edward III. EDWARD III 1327 - 1377 Son of Edward II, he reigned for 50 years. His ambition to conquer Scotland and France plunged England into the Hundred Years War, beginning in 1338. The two great victories at Crecy and Poitiers made Edward and his son, the Black Prince, the most renowned warriors in Europe, however the war was very expensive. The outbreak of bubonic plague, the 'Black Death' in 1348-1350 killed half the population of England. RICHARD II 1377 - deposed 1399 The son of the Black Prince, Richard was extravagant, unjust and faithless. In 1381 came the Peasants Revolt , led by Wat Tyler. The rebellion was put down with great severity. The sudden death of his first wife Anne of Bohemia completely unbalanced Richard and his extravagance, acts of revenge and tyranny turned his subjects against him. In 1399 Henry of Lancaster returned from exile and deposed Richard, becoming elected King Henry IV. Richard was murdered, probably by starvation, in Pontefract Castle in 1400. HOUSE OF LANCASTER HENRY IV 1399 - 1413 The son of John of Gaunt (third son of Edward III), Henry returned from exile in France to reclaim his estates previously seized by Richard II; he was accepted as king by Parliament. Henry spent most of his 13 year reign defending himself against plots, rebellions and assassination attempts. In Wales Owen Glendower declared himself Prince of Wales and led a national uprising against English rule. Back in England, Henry had great difficulty in maintaining the support of both the clery and Pariament and between 1403-08 the Percy family lauched a series of rebellions against him. Henry, the first Lancastrian king, died exhausted, probably of leprosy, at the age of 45. HENRY V 1413 - 1422 The son of Henry IV, he was a pious, stern and skilful soldier. Henry had honed his fine soldiering skills putting down the many rebellions launched against his father and had been knighted when aged just 12. He pleased his nobles by renewing the war with France in 1415. In the face of tremendous odds he beat the French at the Battle of Agincourt , losing just 400 of his own soldiers with more than 6,000 Frenchmen killed. On a second expedition Henry captured Rouen, was recognised as the next King of France and married Catherine, the daughter of the lunatic French king. Henry died of dysentery whilst campaigning in France and before he could succeed to the French throne, leaving his 10-month old son as King of England and France. HENRY VI 1422 - deposed 1461 Beginning of the Wars of the Roses Gentle and retiring, he came to the throne as a baby and inherited a losing war with France, the Hundred Years War finally ending in 1453 with the loss of all French lands except for Calais. The king had an attack of mental illness that was hereditary in his mother's family in 1454 and Richard Duke of York was made Protector of the Realm. The House of York challenged Henry VI's right to the throne and England was plunged into civil war. The Battle of St Albans in 1455 was won by the Yorkists. Henry was restored to the throne briefly in 1470. Henry's son, Edward, Prince of Wales was killed at the Battle of Tewkesbury one day before Henry was murdered in the Tower of London in 1471. Henry founded both Eton College and King's College, Cambridge, and every year the Provosts of Eton and King's College lay roses and lilies on the altar which now stands where he died. EDWARD IV 1461- 1483 He was the son of Richard Duke of York and Cicely Neville, and not a popular king. His morals were poor (he had many mistresses and had at least one illegitimate son) and even his contemporaries disapproved of him. Edward had his rebellious brother George, Duke of Clarence, murdered in 1478 on a charge of treason. During his reign the first printing press was established in Westminster by William Caxton. Edward died suddenly in 1483 leaving two sons aged 12 and 9, and five daughters. EDWARD V 1483 - 1483 Edward was actually born in Westminster Abbey, were his mother Elizabeth Woodville had sought sanctuary from Lancastrians during the Wars of the Roses. The eldest son of Edward IV, he succeeded to the throne at the tender age of 13 and reigned for only two months, the shortest-lived monarch in English history. He and his brother Richard were murdered in the Tower of London - it is said on the orders of his uncle Richard Duke of Gloucester. Richard (III) declared The Princes in the Tower illegitimate and named himself rightful heir to the crown. RICHARD III 1483 - 1485 End of the Wars of the Roses Brother of Edward IV. The ruthless extinction of all those who opposed him and the alleged murders of his nephews made his rule very unpopular. In 1485 Henry Richmond, descendant of John of Gaunt, father of Henry IV, landed in west Wales, gathering forces as he marched into England. At the Battle of Bosworth Field in Leicestershire he defeated and killed Richard in what was to be the last important battle in the Wars of the Roses. Archaeological investigations at a car park in Leicester during 2012 revealed a skeleton which was thought to have been that of Richard III, and this was confirmed on the 4th February 2013. His body was re-interred at Leicester Cathedral on 22nd March 2015. THE TUDORS HENRY VII 1485 - 1509 When Richard III fell at the Battle of Bosworth, his crown was picked up and placed on the head of Henry Tudor. He married Elizabeth of York and so united the two warring houses, York and Lancaster. He was a skilful politician but avaricious. The material wealth of the country increased greatly. During Henry's reign playing cards were invented and the portrait of his wife Elizabeth has appeared eight times on every pack of cards for nearly 500 years. HENRY VIII 1509 - 1547 The best known fact about Henry VIII is that he had six wives! Most school children learn the following rhyme to help them remember the fate of each wife: "Divorced, Beheaded, Died: Divorced, Beheaded, Survived". His first wife was Catherine of Aragon, his brothers widow, whom he later divorced to marry Anne Boleyn. This divorce caused the split from Rome and Henry declared himself the head of the Church Of England. The Dissolution of the Monasteries began in 1536, and the money gained from this helped Henry to bring about an effective Navy. In an effort to have a son, Henry married four further wives, but only one son was born, to Jane Seymour. Henry had two daughters both to become rulers of England - Mary, daughter of Catherine of Aragon, and Elizabeth, daughter of Anne Boleyn. EDWARD VI 1547 - 1553 The son of Henry VIII and Jane Seymour, Edward was a sickly boy; it is thought he suffered from tuberculosis. Edward succeeded his father at the age of 9, the government being carried on by a Council of Regency with his uncle, Duke of Somerset, styled Protector. Even though his reign was short, many men made their mark. Cranmer wrote the Book of Common Prayer and the uniformity of worship helped turn England into a Protestant State. After Edward's death there was a dispute over the succession. As Mary was Catholic, Lady Jane Grey was named as the next in line to the throne. She was proclaimed Queen but Mary entered London with her supporters and Jane was taken to the Tower. She reigned for only 9 days. She was executed in 1554, aged 17. MARY I (Bloody Mary) 1553 - 1558 Daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon. A devout Catholic, she married Philip of Spain. Mary attempted to enforce the wholesale conversion of England to Catholicism. She carried this out with the utmost severity. The Protestant bishops, Latimer, Ridley and Archbishop Cranmer were among those burnt at the stake. The place, in Broad Street Oxford, is marked by a bronze cross. The country was plunged into a bitter blood bath, which is why she is remembered as Bloody Mary. She died in 1558 at Lambeth Palace in London. ELIZABETH I 1558-1603 The daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, Elizabeth was a remarkable woman, noted for her learning and wisdom. From first to last she was popular with the people and had a genius for the selection of capable advisors. Drake , Raleigh, Hawkins, the Cecils, Essex and many many more made England respected and feared. The Spanish Armada was decisively defeated in 1588 and Raleigh's first Virginian colony was founded. The execution of Mary Queen of Scots marred what was a glorious time in English history. Shakespeare was also at the height of his popularity. Elizabeth never married. THE STUARTS JAMES I and VI of Scotland 1603 -1625 James was the son of Mary Queen of Scots and Lord Darnley. He was the first king to rule over Scotland and England . James was more of a scholar than a man of action. In 1605 the Gunpowder Plot was hatched: Guy Fawkes and his Catholic friends tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament, but were captured before they could do so. James's reign saw the publication of the Authorised Version of the Bible , though this caused problems with the Puritans and their attitude towards the established church. In 1620 the Pilgrim Fathers sailed for America in their ship The Mayflower. CHARLES 1 1625 - 1649 English Civil War The son of James I and Anne of Denmark, Charles believed that he ruled by Divine Right. He encountered difficulties with Parliament from the beginning, and this led to the outbreak of the English Civil War in 1642. The war lasted four years and following the defeat of Charles's Royalist forces by the New Model Army, led by Oliver Cromwell , Charles was captured and imprisoned. The House of Commons tried Charles for treason against England and when found guilty he was condemned to death. His death warrant states that he was beheaded on Tuesday 30 January 1649. Following this the British monarchy was abolished and a republic called the Commonwealth of England was declared. OLIVER CROMWELL , Lord Protector 1653 - 1658 Cromwell was born at Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire in 1599, the son of a small landowner. He entered Parliament in 1629 and became active in events leading to the Civil War. A leading Puritan figure, he raised cavalry forces and organised the New Model Army, which he led to victory over the Royalists at the Battle of Naseby in 1645. Failing to gain agreement on constitutional change in government with Charles I, Cromwell was a member of a 'Special Commission' that tried and condemned the king to death in 1649. Cromwell declared Britain a republic 'The Commonwealth' and he went on to become its Lord Protector. Cromwell went on to crush the Irish clans and the Scots loyal to Charles II between 1649 and 1651. In 1653 he finally expelled the corrupt English parliament and with the agreement of army leaders became Lord Protector (King in all but name) RICHARD CROMWELL, Lord Protector 1658 - 1659 Richard was the third son of Oliver Cromwell, he was appointed the second ruling Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland, serving for just nine months. Unlike his father, Richard lacked military experience and as such failed to gain respect or support from his New Model Army. Richard was eventually 'persuaded' to resign from his position as Lord Protector and exiled himself to France until 1680, when he returned to England. THE RESTORATION CHARLES II 1660 - 1685 Son of Charles I, also known as the Merry Monarch. After the collapse of the Protectorate following the death of Oliver Cromwell and the flight of Richard Cromwell to France, the Army and Parliament asked Charles to take the throne. Although very popular he was a weak king and his foreign policy was inept. He had 13 known mistresses, one of whom was Nell Gwyn . He fathered numerous illegitimate children but no heir to the throne. The Great Plague in 1665 and the Great Fire of London in 1666 took place during his reign. Many new buildings were built at this time. St. Paul's Cathedral was built by Sir Christopher Wren and also many churches still to be seen today. JAMES II and VII of Scotland 1685 - 1688 The second surviving son of Charles I and younger brother of Charles II. James had been exiled following the Civil War and served in both the French and Spanish Army. Although James converted to Catholicism in 1670, his two daughters were raised as Protestants. James became very unpopular because of his persecution of the Protestant clergy and was generally hated by the people. Following the Monmouth uprising (Monmouth was an illegitimate son of Charles II and a Protestant) and the Bloody Assizes of Judge Jeffries, Parliament asked the Dutch prince, William of Orange to take the throne. William was married to Mary, James II's Protestant daughter. William landed in England and James fled to France where he died in exile in 1701. WILLIAM III 1689 - 1702 and MARY II 1689 - 1694 On the 5 November 1688, William of Orange sailed his fleet of over 450 ships, unopposed by the Royal Navy, into Torbay harbour and landed his troops in Devon . Gathering local support, he marched his army, now 20,000 strong, on to London in The Glorious Revolution. Many of James II's army had defected to support William, as well as James's other daughter Anne. William and Mary were to reign jointly, and William was to have the Crown for life after Mary died in 1694. James plotted to regain the throne and in 1689 landed in Ireland. William defeated James at the Battle of the Boyne and James fled again to France, as guest of Louis XIV. ANNE 1702 - 1714 Anne was the second daughter of James II. She had 17 pregnancies but only one child survived - William, who died of smallpox aged just 11. A staunch, high church Protestant, Anne was 37 years old when she succeeded to the throne. Anne was a close friend of Sarah Churchill, the Duchess of Marlborough. Sarah's husband the Duke of Marlborough commanded the English Army in the War of Spanish Succession, winning a series of major battles with the French and gaining the country an influence never before attained in Europe. It was during Anne's reign that the United Kingdom of Great Britain was created by the Union of England and Scotland. After Anne's death the succession went to the nearest Protestant relative of the Stuart line. This was Sophia, daughter of Elizabeth of Bohemia, James I 's only daughter, but she died a few weeks before Anne and so the throne succeeded to her son George. THE HANOVARIANS GEORGE I 1714 -1727 Son of Sophia and the Elector of Hanover, great-grandson of James I. The 54 year old George arrived in England able to speak only a few words of English with his 18 cooks and 2 mistresses in tow. George never learned English, so the conduct of national policy was left to the government of the time with Sir Robert Walpole becoming Britain's first Prime Minister . In 1715 the Jacobites (followers of James Stuart, son of James II) attempted to supplant George, but the attempt failed. George spent little time in England - he preferred his beloved Hanover, although he was implicated in the South Sea Bubble financial scandal of 1720. GEORGE II 1727 - 1760 Only son of George I. He was more English than his father, but still relied on Sir Robert Walpole to run the country. George was the last English king to lead his army into battle at Dettingen in 1743. In 1745 the Jacobites tried once again to restore a Stuart to the throne. Prince Charles Edward Stuart, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' . landed in Scotland. He was routed at Culloden Moor by the army under the Duke of Cumberland, known as 'Butcher' Cumberland. Bonnie Prince Charlie escaped to France with the help of Flora MacDonald , and finally died a drunkard's death in Rome. GEORGE III 1760 - 1820 He was a grandson of George II and the first English-born and English-speaking monarch since Queen Anne. His reign was one of elegance and the age of some of the greatest names in English literature - Jane Austen , Byron, Shelley, Keats and Wordsworth. It was also the time of great statesmen like Pitt and Fox and great captains like Wellington and Nelson . in 1773 the 'Boston Tea Party' was the first sign of the troubles that were to come in America. The American Colonies proclaimed their independence on July 4th 1776. George was well meaning but suffered from a mental illness due to intermittent porphyria and eventually became blind and insane. His son ruled as Prince Regent after 1811 until George's death. GEORGE IV 1820 - 1830 Known as the 'First Gentleman of Europe'. He had a love of art and architecture but his private life was a mess, to put it mildly! He married twice, once in 1785 to Mrs. Fitzherbert, secretly as she was a Catholic, and then in 1795 to Caroline of Brunswick . Mrs. Fitzherbert remained the love of his life. Caroline and George had one daughter, Charlotte in 1796 but she died in 1817. George was considered a great wit, but was also a buffoon and his death was hailed with relief! WILLIAM IV 1830 - 1837 Known as the 'Sailor King' (for 10 years the young Prince William, brother of George IV, served in the Royal Navy), he was the third son of George III. Before his accession he lived with a Mrs. Jordan, an actress, by whom he had ten children. When Princess Charlotte died, he had to marry in order to secure the succession. He married Adelaide of Saxe-Coburg in 1818. He had two daughters but they did not live. He hated pomp and wanted to dispense with the Coronation. The people loved him because of his lack of pretension. During his reign Britain abolished slavery in the colonies in 1833. The Reform Act was passed in 1832, this extended the franchise to the middle-classes on a basis of property qualifications. VICTORIA 1837 - 1901 Victoria was the only child of Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg and Edward Duke of Kent, fourth son of George III. The throne Victoria inherited was weak and unpopular. Her Hanovarian uncles had been treated with irreverence. In 1840 she married her cousin Albert of Saxe-Coburg. Albert exerted tremendous influence over the Queen and until his death was virtual ruler of the country. He was a pillar of respectability and left two legacies to the UK, the Christmas Tree and the Great Exhibition of 1851. With the money from the Exhibition several institutions were developed, the Victoria and Albert Museum , the Science Museum, Imperial College and the Royal Albert Hall. The Queen withdrew from public life after the death of Albert in 1861 until her Golden Jubilee in 1887. Her reign saw the British Empire double in size and in 1876 the Queen became Empress of India, the 'Jewel in the Crown'. When Victoria died in 1901, the British Empire and British world power had reached their highest point. She had nine children, 40 grand-children and 37 great-grandchildren, scattered all over Europe. EDWARD VII 1901 - 1910 A much loved king, the opposite of his dour father. He loved horse-racing, gambling and women! This Edwardian Age was one of elegance. Edward had all the social graces and many sporting interests, yachting and horse-racing - his horse Minoru won the Derby in 1909. Edward married the beautiful Alexandra of Denmark in 1863 and they had six children. The eldest, Edward Duke of Clarence, died in 1892 just before he was to marry Princess Mary of Teck. When Edward died in 1910 it is said that Queen Alexandra brought his current mistress Mrs. Keppel to his bedside to take her farewell. His best known mistress was Lillie Langtry, the 'Jersey Lily' Name changed in 1917 GEORGE V 1910 - 1936 George had not expected to be king, but when his elder brother died he became the heir-apparent. He had joined the Navy as a cadet in 1877 and loved the sea. He was a bluff, hearty man with a 'quarter-deck' manner. In 1893 he married Princess Mary of Teck, his dead brother's fiancee. His years on the throne were difficult; the First World War in 1914 - 1918 and the troubles in Ireland which lead to the creation of the Irish Free State were considerable problems. In 1932 he began the royal broadcasts on Christmas Day and in 1935 he celebrated his Silver Jubilee. His latter years were overshadowed by his concern about the Prince of Wales and his infatuation with Mrs. Simpson. EDWARD VIII June 1936 - abdicated December 1936 Edward was the most popular Prince of Wales Britain has ever had. Consequently when he renounced the throne to marry Mrs. Wallis Simpson the country found it almost impossible to believe. The people as a whole knew nothing about Mrs. Simpson until early in December 1936. Mrs. Simpson was an American, a divorcee and had two husbands still living. This was unacceptable to the Church, as Edward had stated that he wanted her to be crowned with him at the Coronation which was to take place the following May. Edward abdicated in favour of his brother and took the title, Duke of Windsor. He went to live abroad. GEORGE VI 1936 - 1952 George was a shy and nervous man with a very bad stutter , the exact opposite of his brother the Duke of Windsor, but he had inherited the steady virtues of his father George V. He was very popular and well loved by the British people. The prestige of the throne was low when he became king but his wife Elizabeth and his mother Queen Mary were outstanding in their support of him. The Second World War started in 1939 and throughout the King and Queen set an example of courage and fortitude. They remained at Buckingham Palace for the duration of the war in spite of the bombing. The Palace was bombed more than once. The two Princesses, Elizabeth and Margaret, spent the war years at Windsor Castle . George was in close touch with the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill throughout the war and both had to be dissuaded from landing with the troops in Normandy on D-Day ! The post-war years of his reign were ones of great social change and saw the start of the National Health Service. The whole country flocked to the Festival of Britain held in London in 1951, 100 years after the Great Exhibition during Victoria's reign. ELIZABETH II 1952 - Elizabeth Alexandra Mary, or ‘Lilbet’ to close family, was born in London on 21 April 1926. Like her parents, Elizabeth was heavily involved in the war effort during the Second World War, serving in the women's branch of the British Army known as the Auxiliary Territorial Service, training as a driver and mechanic. Elizabeth and her sister Margaret anonymously joined the crowded streets of London on VE Day to celebrate the end of the war. She married her cousin Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, and they had four children: Charles, Anne, Andrew and Edward. When her father George VI died, Elizabeth became Queen of seven Commonwealth countries: the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Pakistan, and Ceylon (now known as Sri Lanka). Elizabeth’s coronation in 1953 was the first to be televised, serving to increase popularity in the medium and doubling television license numbers in the UK. The huge popularity of the royal wedding in 2011 between the Queen’s grandson, Prince William and the commoner Kate Middleton, now the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, reflected the high profile of the British Monarchy at home and abroad. 2012 was also an important year for the royal family, as the nation celebrated the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, her 60th year as Queen. On 9th September 2015, Elizabeth became Britain's longest serving monarch, ruling longer than her great-great grandmother Queen Victoria who reigned for 63 years and 216 days. Congratulations Ma'am; God Save the Queen! If you enjoyed this article, you might also like... Kings and Queens of Wessex - Wessex, also known as the Kingdom of the West Saxons, was a large and extremely influential Anglo-Saxon kingdom from 519 to 927AD. In this article, we take a look at the Kings and Queens that ruled over the kingdom for almost half a millennium. Kings and Queens of Scotland - Covering the period from 1005 - 1603 Kings and Queens of Mercia - Mercia was one of the great seven Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of England, alongside East Anglia, Essex, Kent, Northumbria Sussex and Wessex. Based around its capital of Tamworth, Mercia went through rapid expansion throughout the 6th and 7th centuries to be one of the ‘big three’ kingdoms of England along with Northumbria and Wessex.	i don't know
How many hoops are in a game of association croquet?	How to play croquet (including rules) How to play croquet Downloadable version Download a brief printable version of the Official Rules of Garden and Golf Croquet rules. - 4 pages. (print on one A4 sheet in colour, actual size, 2 sided) Download the printable version on how to play croquet (includes rules).- 26 pages. The US Croquet Association has created a different edition of the game which uses nine wickets in a double diamond formation. These can be downloaded at: http://www.croquetamerica.com/croquet/rules/ninewicket/index.php A brief history of croquet A game in which balls were knocked round a course of hoops was played in medieval France. A variation of the game known as "Paille Maille" was played in a field near St James Palace in the sixteenth century, which later became known as Pall Mall. The modern game appears to have started in England in the 1850s and quickly became popular. The Wimbledon All England Croquet Club was founded in 1868 and the National Championships were held there for a number of years until the croquet lawns were transformed into the tennis courts of today. This probably accounts for the fact that the size of a tennis court is exactly half that of a croquet lawn. Croquet was, and still is, one of a few outdoor sports in which ladies can compete on an equal footing with men. Today Croquet is played all over the World with international tournaments being held annually in several countries. Variants of the game are also played in Egypt and Japan. It is encouraging that an increasing number of young players are participating in the game at all levels. In the USA, three forms of the game are played, International Association Croquet, American Six Wicket Croquet and American Nine Wicket Croquet. All of these may use the same lawns and equipment except that Nine Wicket Croquet requires 9 hoops, known as wickets, and two pegs, or stakes. Golf Croquet, which is a greatly simplified version of Association Croquet, is also played in many countries, and has a large following. The purpose of this booklet is to help beginners to learn the basic techniques and rules of the four variations of the game. Association croquet The court A full size croquet lawn measures 35 yards (32m.) by 28 yards (26.6m.). The boundary may be marked by corner pegs and/or flags. An imaginary YARD LINE extends round the perimeter one yard in from the boundary. The four outer hoops are positioned seven yards in from the side and end lines. The CENTRE PEG is placed in the centre of the lawn, with the remaining two hoops seven yards from it on either side along the centre line. Imaginary BAULK LINES extend along the yard lines from corner 1 and corner lll to the centre. Play starts from either baulk line. The course and direction of play is shown on the diagram. Smaller courts may be used, and for home croquet even lawns with some fixed obstructions can make for interesting and challenging games. Equipment Centre Peg. 1 1/2 inches in diameter and 18 inches above the ground. A small removable dowel may be inserted in the top to take clips. Hoops (6). Internal diameter 3 3/4 inches, height 12 inches above ground and painted white. The first hoop (No. 1) has a blue top, and the last hoop (the Rover) has a red top. Balls.(4) Coloured Blue, black, red and yellow. Diameter 3 5/8 inches. Weight 1 lb. Clips. (4). Colored the same as the balls. They are placed on the hoops or peg to indicate the next point for each ball: on the top of the hoop for the first six hoops and on the side for the last six. Clips are important items of equipment. All the players should be able to see at a glance which hoops their, and their competitors', balls are going for next. So it is essential that each time a hoop is run the appropriate clip should be moved to the next hoop. When a player is making a break he may carry his clip with him until his turn ends, when he should immediately put it on his next hoop. Mallets. Must have parallel and identical end-faces made of wood or any other nonmetallic material. There is no restriction on dimensions, size or weight. The average weight is about 3 lbs. The head may be cylindrical or square in cross section and may vary in length from about 8 inches up to 12 inches according to individual preference. The shaft may be made of wood, metal, plastic or fibreglass. The length is usually about 36 inches but this may be altered depending on players heights, individual styles and preferences. Mallets can be made to order and delivered door to door worldwide within a few days by contacting Wood Mallets Ltd. Competition mallet A brief outline of the game Croquet can be played by two or four players. The object of the game is to hit your ball(s) through the course of six hoops in the right sequence in each direction and finish by hitting them against the centre peg. The side which completes the course first with both balls wins. Each side has two balls, blue and black versus red and yellow. In singles play each player has two balls. In doubles the partners on each side must each play only their own ball. The game starts with all four balls being played on to the court in the first four turns from anywhere along either baulk line. Turns alternate throughout the game. Either, but only one, of the side's balls may be used in a turn. Initially a turn is only one stroke, unless in that stroke the striker's ball scores it's next hoop, or hits another ball. When a hoop is scored the striker has a CONTINUATION stroke. When another ball is hit the striker has made a ROQUET on that ball and is entitled to a further stroke. This stroke, the CROQUET stroke, is made after moving and placing the striker's ball in contact with the roqueted ball. In the croquet stroke the striker must move or shake the croqueted ball. If the croquet stroke is made without committing 7 a foul stroke or causing the turn to end by sending a ball off the lawn (see below), the striker is then entitled to a CONTINUATION stroke.The turn ends if, in the croquet stroke, the croqueted ball is sent off the court, or the striker's ball is sent off without first making another roquet or scoring a hoop point for itself. Note however that if the striker's ball goes off the court after running a hoop the turn does not end. The ball is placed on the yard line and the striker plays his continuation shot. Similarly, when a ball is roqueted off the court it is replaced on the yard line and the croquet shot is played. (It doesn't matter if the striker's ball goes off the court because when it hits the other ball it becomes "in hand"). During a turn the striker may roquet, and take croquet from, each ball once, unless his ball scores another hoop, when he may make a further roquet and croquet on each ball. Thus a "break" may continue for a number of strokes. CONTINUATION STROKES are not cumulative. Thus a striker who: Scores a hoop and makes a roquet in the same stroke, immediately takes croquet. Makes a roquet in a croquet stroke immediately takes croquet. Scores a hoop for his striker's ball in a croquet stroke, plays only one continuation stroke. Scores two hoops for his striker's ball in one stroke, plays only one continuation stroke. BALL IN HAND. A ball that has to be moved :- When it has made a roquet. When it is off the court or in the yard line area. It is to be placed before the next stroke on the yard line at the point where it left the court. However only at the end of the turn does the striker's ball in the yard line area become "in hand". FOUL STROKES or FAULTS: A foul occurs if the striker :- Touches the head of the mallet with the hand or causes the mallet to strike the ball by dropping, or throwing, or kicking , or hitting the mallet. Rests the shaft of the mallet or a hand or arm on the ground. Rests the shaft of the mallet or a hand or arm directly connected with the stroke against any part of the legs or feet. Strikes the ball with any part of the mallet other than the end face (An accidental misshit is not a fault unless the stroke requires special care because of the proximity of a hoop, the peg, or another ball.) Pulls or pushes his ball so that it changes course once initial contact has been made. Hits the ball twice or more in one shot. (Such a multiple hit is not a fault if it is caused by making a roquet, pegging out the strikerï¿½s ball, or interference by another ball pegged out in the stroke.) Moves or shakes a ball at rest by hitting a hoop or the peg with the mallet or any part of the body or clothes. Crushes the striker's ball into a hoop or the peg (unless the striker's ball is pegged out in the stroke) when still in contact with the mallet. (crush stroke). Touches any other ball, other than the striker's ball, with the mallet. Touches any ball with any part of the body or clothes. Plays a croquet stroke which fails to move or shake the croqueted ball. Plays a stroke that is likely to cause and does cause substantial damage to the court by the mallet. Penalty After making a fault the striker's turn ends and no point is scored in that stroke counts. The adversary is entitled to choose either to replace the balls where they were before the fault, or to leave them where they came to rest at the end of the foul stroke. The grip should feel comfortable and natural. The three types commonly used are: Standard grip The upper hand grips the shaft near the top with the knuckles pointing forward. The lower hand supports the back of the shaft with the thumb down. The space between the hands is a matter of comfort, but it is usually better to have them close together. Solomon grip Both hands grasp the top of the shaft with the knuckles in front and the thumbs uppermost. The hands are nearly always very close together. This grip allows a big back swing. Irish grip Both the upper and lower hands grip the shaft with the palms either behind or to the side. The grip is usually lower down the shaft than with the other styles. Stance Center style The mallet is swung between the legs and the feet are placed parallel to the line of the swing so that the body is square to this line. This is the most popular playing stance. The strokes The roquet To a large extent success depends upon being able to roquet another ball accurately. If you hit it you get two more shots, the croquet shot on the roqueted ball and a continuation shot as well. It is well worth taking trouble to achieve this accuracy. Stand back from your ball along the extension of the line joining your ball and the ball to be roqueted. Then walk forward, "stalking" your ball and keeping your eye on the aiming point. This helps to get your feet and body correctly aligned with the direction of the stroke. When you arrive at the ball swing the mallet smoothly and easily from the shoulders, keeping your eyes fixed on your ball. Don't look up until after the ball has been struck. The most common reason for missing a roquet is lifting the head prematurely. The cut rush Initially you may be pleased enough just to hit the roqueted ball at all. You will soon discover the benefit of being able to send that ball some distance in the direction you want it to go in order to make your subsequent croquet shot easier. This is called a RUSH, and should only be attempted if the target ball is quite close, not more than a couple of feet to start with. Because the target ball is quite close it is easy to take your eye off your own ball to look at the target ball, with disastrous 11 results. Some players stand back an inch or two from their own ball when playing a rush to avoid the tendency to strike down on the ball and cause it to jump, possibly even over the target ball. If the target ball is roqueted off centre it will go off at a tangent. This is a CUT RUSH. If you want to rush it to the right aim slightly to the left of centre and vice versa. The take off This stroke is used when you want to send your own ball some distance, leaving the croqueted ball almost where it was. Place your ball in contact with the roqueted ball at right angles to the direction in which you want your ball to travel. It is permissible to lie your mallet on the ground with the handle pointing exactly where you want your ball to go and the head just touching the two balls. This will indicate the direction in which your ball will go. When playing this stroke be careful to aim your mallet slightly in towards the roqueted ball so that it moves after impact. If it doesn't move or at least shake it is a fault and your turn ends. Note that aiming slightly in towards the roqueted ball will not alter the direction in which your own ball will travel, which will still be at right angles to a line joining the centres of the two balls. Because the croqueted ball hardly moves, gauging the strength of the shot is almost the same as for a single ball shot. The drive In the Drive shot two balls are placed in line in contact and the rear ball is struck along the lines of the centres and with a normal follow-through. The croqueted ball will travel about four or five times further than the striker's ball. Knowledge of this ratio is important as it affects all straight croquet strokes. The ratio can be decreased by standing a little closer to the ball, and increased by standing slightly further back. The stop shot The Stop Shot is used when you want to send the croqueted ball much further than your own ball. Stand a little further back from the ball than in a normal shot thus raising the front face of the mallet a little. On the forward swing of the mallet the heel must be grounded at the moment of impact to ensure that there is no follow-through. Be careful not to ground the mallet too soon and stop the mallet before it strikes the ball. This is nevertheless counted as a stroke and if the croqueted ball didn't move your turn ends! Some players don't attempt to ground their mallet, but instead relax their grip on the mallet at the moment of impact thus reducing the chance of the miss-hit described above. With practice it is quite possible to send the forward ball eight to ten times further that the rear ball. The roll shot This is the opposite of the Stop Shot and is the most difficult shot to play accurately, particularly for elderly players as it requires bending quite steeply from the waist and the knee and retaining a good balance at the same time. This shot is used when the striker's ball has to travel as far or even further than the croqueted ball. To achieve this stand well forward over the balls with the left foot abreast the front ball and the right foot withdrawn (for a right-handed player) keeping the weight mostly on the front foot. Lower the grip with both hands until the lower one is near the mallet head but not touching it (a fault). In this position the mallet should be at an angle of about 45 degrees when it strikes the ball. Try and sweep the balls forward with plenty of follow through rather than striking them. Generally the further forward you stand and the lower your hands the further the back ball will travel. Split shots When playing a croquet shot you will generally want the two balls to go in different directions. To do this line up the two balls in the direction you want the croqueted ball to travel. It will go along this line regardless of the direction in which you send the striker's ball. Next determine which direction you want your striker's ball to go. Now split the angle between these two directions. This is the line along which to swing your mallet. It can be helpful to point your mallet along the line you want your ball to travel when splitting the angle. Remember to follow through straight along the line of 14 the split, and avoid the temptation to allow your mallet to curve away in the direction you want your ball to go. Split shots can be played as stop shots, standard shots, half rolls or roll shots depending upon the relative distances you want the two balls to travel. Jump shots These are occasionally used in desperate situations when a player wants to jump over a ball in the hoop, or to run a hoop at a sharp angle. The shot imparts a considerable spin to the ball, which with a bit of luck will help to get the ball through the hoop. Stand well over the ball and strike downwards at an angle of about 45 degrees holding the mallet well down the handle. It isn't an easy shot but quite fun to try and very satisfying if it comes off. Be careful not to damage the lawn as this is a fault. Cannons When two or more balls have to be placed in contact on the yard line or in the corner, one of which is the roqueted ball, the striker has to take croquet from the roqueted ball while it also is in contact with the third ball. In the same stroke as the croquet shot the striker's ball is also deemed to have roqueted the other ball in contact. The striker's ball is then "in hand" and must croquet the other ball. Positioning the balls for a cannons to achieve a desired outcome is complicated. Advice should be sought from an experienced player. Angled hoop The hoop shot has to be very accurate as there is only 1/16 of an inch clearance on either side of the ball. Compare this with a roquet shot, in which the aim can be three inches out on either side and still strike the target ball! It follows that great care should be taken in stalking the ball. Swing the mallet smoothly and gently and follow through. This will impart forward spin to the ball and this spin will help it through the hoop even if the aim is a little "off". When a hoop shot has to be made from an angle, aim to just miss the near upright so that the ball bounces off the far upright through the hoop. If it touches the near upright it will almost invariably stick in the hoop. Do not try and force the ball through the hoop by hitting hard and hoping for the best. A ball has run the hoop when it has come to rest in a position where it cannot be touched by a straight edge placed across the playing side i.e. the side that the ball enters the hoop. Margin of error Roquet shot The start The game starts with the toss of a coin (or mallet), the winner having the choice of playing first or second, the loser having the choice of balls. The first four turns are used to play all four balls onto the court from any point on either baulk line. Don't be tempted to try and run the first hoop from the baulk line. You are most unlikely to succeed, and even if you do there will be small chance of making a break. On the other hand if you fail and bounce off the hoop you present your opponent with an easy target and a good chance to make a break. A commonly used start is for the first player to send his ball off the court on the east boundary in the vicinity of hoop No 4. His opponent then lays a tice to a point on the west boundary near enough to entice his opponent to shoot at it and miss. The first player now has the choice of either hitting at the tice or joining up with his partner ball on the east boundary, and possibly roqueting it. If he misses, his opponent should shoot hard at his first ball so that if he misses his ball will end up near corner ll as he won't want to leave both his balls in the vicinity of hoop No 1 for his opponent. Breaks A Break is the process of running more than one hoop in a single turn. If you can utilise all four balls in a four ball break it is relatively easy to maintain the break and run several hoops in one turn. The essence of making a break is to position a ball close to your next hoop (the pilot ball) and another ball (the pioneer ball) as close as possible to the following hoop in order. After running the hoop with the help of your pilot ball you must send it to the next hoop but one to become the new pioneer ball, while the former pioneer ball becomes the new pilot ball. The fourth ball should be positioned somewhere near the centre peg and is called the pivot ball. By using the pivot ball you make the other shots in the break easier to play. Let us suppose that your Blue ball is on the boundary about 10 yards from your hoop, No I. The Red ball, called here the pilot ball, is perhaps five yards from your ball, near the hoop. The Yellow ball is somewhere near hoop No II and will serve as the pioneer ball. The Black ball is somewhere near the centre and is the pivot ball. Roquet Red with your Blue ball and in the process rush it a short way towards the hoop (No I). Now you croquet Red with a split croquet shot, sending it two or three yards beyond the hoop and your own ball, hopefully, ends up a foot or two in front of the hoop. Run the hoop gently with your continuation shot so that Blue ends up a yard or so the other side of the hoop near Red. You must now send Red to act as the new pioneer ball at hoop No III with your next roquet and croquet shots. Ideally your roquet shot will rush Red to somewhere near the black pivot ball so that you have a relatively easy croquet shot to send Red accurately to hoop No III and Blue to stop near Black. You now roquet Black gently and then take off from it to Yellow with your croquet shot. You can now roquet and croquet Yellow (which is now the pilot) to put Blue a yard or so in front of hoop No II, and run the hoop. To keep the break going you must now roquet and croquet Yellow up to hoop No IV to become the new pioneer, at the same time sending the Blue ball to the pivot Black. Roquet and take off from Black to Red, which is now the pilot at hoop No III. You have now established a four ball break. You have your pilot at the next hoop, and the pioneer at the hoop after that. So each time you run a hoop you send the former pilot to become the 17 pioneer at the next hoop but one, with the assistance of the pivot near the centre to make your roquet and croquet shots easier. Provided you can maintain this sequence and place the pioneer ball reasonably close to it's hoop, you should be able to keep the break going for several hoops. All the strokes used in the break are fairly easy ones. If you fail to position the pioneer accurately you may be able to send the pivot to act as pioneer in it's stead. Expert players frequently make a break of twelve points in a single turn. Four ball break Tactics Once you have hit a roquet and are the in-player you have the advantage, which you should try and retain at the end of your turn. Basically this involves making it as difficult as possible for your opponent to make a roquet and as easy as possible for you to make your next hoop in your next turn. Obviously it is wise to leave your opponent's balls widely separated from each other and from your balls, which should be close enough to enable you to roquet them at the start of your next turn. If, however, you have left your opponent's balls within roqueting distance of each other, don't join up with your partner ball, as this will give him two balls to play instead of one. Rather send it to the opposite boundary or a corner where it will be difficult for your opponent to use. To a large extent your tactics will depend upon your confidence in your ability to roquet accurately and your assessment of your opponent's accuracy. At the start of a turn you may find that your opponent's balls are laid up near each other while your two balls are well separated. If you hit at your partner ball and miss your opponent will gain the innings, and the closer your balls are to each other the easier it will be for your opponent to make use of them. If you can take a shot at one of your opponent's balls which will leave it well clear if it misses, that may be your best option. When making a break try and keep all the balls ahead of your next hoop. If you leave one behind it will be difficult to carry on with the break. If your opponent is well positioned to make a break try and leave your ball in a safe position in a corner behind the last hoop he made. If your two balls are going for different hoops try and leave one of your opponent's balls at each of them so that if he moves one you will still have a pilot ball at the other. Similarly, don't leave your opponent's balls by their partner's hoop, as this gives them a pilot for that hoop. Rather leave them each by their own hoop so that they won't have a pilot. Try and "wire" you opponent's balls from each other or from your balls. But beware, if you wire a ball so effectively that it doesn't have a clear shot at any other ball it is entitled to a lift and can be lifted and played from either of the baulk lines at the start of it's next turn. A ball lying within the jaws of a hoop, for instance, is wired from the other balls if the opponent was responsible for it's position. When laying up at the end of your turn try and position your balls by a boundary but not so close to each other as to present a double target. This will discourage your opponent from hitting at them. Don't be too cautious. If your opponent has left a ball close to your next hoop and you have a 50% chance of hitting it, it often pays off to "have a go". Finishing As you approach the end of the game it is a wise precaution not to run your forward ball through the last (rover) hoop while your backward ball still has several hoops to make. Otherwise if your turn should end you run the risk of having your ball pegged out by your opponent's rover ball. You would then have only one ball to play against your opponent's two and even if you are several hoops in front you could easily lose the game. The ideal situation is to peel both balls through the rover hoop together and then peg them out together. Bisques Croquet Associations and clubs have a handicapping system which takes the form of bisques, or extra turns which are allowed to weaker players. They range from -5 for top players to 20 for beginners. A bisque is simply an extra turn which may be taken at the end of any turn at any time in the game and must be played with the same ball as was used in the previous turn. In informal home croquet youngsters and beginners can be encouraged by awarding them a generous allowance of bisques which might help them to keep up with more experienced players. Three and six player croquet A popular version of the Association game may be played by three or six players using six balls. Each side has two balls, blue and black, red and yellow and green and brown. The order of play is blue, red, green, black, yellow, brown. Although there are six balls on the court a player may only play four of the balls in a turn, and at the start of the turn must nominate which pair of his opponent's balls he is playing in addition to his own. For example the player playing blue and black may nominate 20 either red and yellow or green and brown for that turn, and may only play those two balls in addition to his own in that turn. If, during the course of a turn, a player roquets one of the balls he hasn't nominated his turn ends and the balls are replaced in their original positions. If, however, in the croquet shot an unnominated ball is hit it is treated as an obstruction on the court, the same as a hoop or the peg, the balls remain where they stopped and the player plays his continuation shot. In all other respects the game is the same as four ball croquet. Golf croquet Golf croquet is played on the same court as in Association croquet, and may be played as either doubles or singles. The balls are always played in the sequence blue, red, black and yellow. Each turn consists of one stroke only, and there are no roquet or croquet shots, and no continuation shots. The hoops are run in the same sequence as in Association croquet, except that after running the last hoop (the rover), if the scores are even the final point is scored by contesting hoop No 3 again, and not the centre peg. The game ends as soon as one side scores a majority of the points to be made. (In this case 7). At the start of the game all balls are played from the yard line at corner lV towards hoop No 1. All the balls contest the hoop and the side which first runs the hoop scores the point. When that hoop has been scored, all the balls go on to contest the next hoop in order. During a stroke the striker's ball may run the hoop and score a hoop point or may cause another ball to run the hoop, in which case that ball scores the point. If a ball runs two hoops in order in one turn both points are scored. A striker may hit his ball to the next hoop beyond the one being contested, but no more than halfway between the two hoops. If it goes beyond that point it must be returned to the halfway point when the hoop is scored. Under World Croquet Federation rules a ball may be "jumped" over a hoop or another ball as long as in the stroke the mallet doesn't damage the court. Note however that under the U.S.C.A. rules jump shots are not allowed. American six wicket croquet This form of croquet is commonly played in the United States. In most respects it is similar to Association croquet, but there are a few important differences. The court The court layout and direction of play is the same as in Association croquet, except that there is no baulk line or yard line. If a ball goes out of play it is replaced nine inches from the boundary directly in from where it went out of bounds. The start Instead of starting from either baulk line, each ball plays the first shot from the starting area, which is a mallet's length directly in front of wicket No 1. Players don't have the option of playing with either of their balls, which must be played in the sequence of colors shown on the stake, i.e. blue, red, black, yellow. A ball that has not scored the No 1 wicket has only one shot per turn and is "dead" on all balls that have scored the wicket. A ball that has scored the No 1 wicket may not block the shot of, or hamper the swing of any ball that has not scored the wicket. Neither may a ball that has not scored the wicket block the shot of one which has made it. If either occurs the blocking ball is lifted and replaced after the shot. A ball that has not scored the No 1 wicket may hit any other ball that has not scored the wicket but no roquet is made and the turn ends unless the striker's ball scores the wicket. A ball that scores the No 1 wicket gets a continuation shot but is "dead" on all balls that have not scored the wicket. Bonus strokes Roquet, croquet and continuation strokes, which are called Bonus strokes, are the same as in Association croquet, but with, again, some important differences. In a roquet shot if the roqueted ball goes off the court the turn ends. When a roquet is made if the striker ball hits an additional ball, other than the roqueted ball, that ball is replaced in it's former position. The striker takes croquet from the first ball hit If a ball scores a wicket and then in the same shot hits another ball it is not a roquet, both balls remain where they lie, and the striker takes a continuation shot. If, after scoring a wicket, a ball goes off the court, the turn ends. Dead and alive When a striker roquets a ball his ball becomes "dead" on that ball and he may not roquet it again until after scoring a wicket. When a wicket is scored that ball becomes "alive" on all the other balls and may roquet them again. If a striker ball hits a ball it is "dead" on, the balls are replaced to their former positions and the turn ends. When each ball of both sides scores it's "one back" wicket (No 7) the opposing side has the option of clearing the deadness from one of it's balls. It must declare which ball it is clearing before the next turn. It is essential that at every stage of the game players should be able to keep track of which balls are "alive" and which are "dead". "Deadness boards" are used for this purpose and these must be kept up to date at every turn. Rover balls A ball that has scored all 12 wickets becomes a Rover ball. A rover may roquet each other ball only once per turn. A rover that is dead on at least two balls can clear itself of deadness by shooting through, or being roqueted or croqueted through, any wicket in either direction. A rover remains temporarily dead (last dead) on the last ball it roqueted until after it roquets another ball. Only a rover ball may stake out another rover. Faults These are generally the same as in Association croquet. Time limit In tournaments time limits may be imposed. Players are allowed a maximum of 45 seconds in which to play each shot. If the ball has not been struck at the end of this time the turn is over. Merion Cricket Club - Haverford, Pennsylvania - site of the 1998 USCA American Rules National Championships. Nine wicket croquet The standard court measures 100 feet by 50 feet and the wickets are placed in a double diamond pattern as shown in the diagram. The size may be reduced to fit available space, but the distance between the Starting/Turning stake and the adjacent wickets should be not less than 6 feet. The game may be played by any number of players from 2 to 6 with 4 or 6 balls. In the four ball game the order of play is blue, red, black, yellow. In the six ball game the order is blue, red, green, black, yellow, brown. The sequence of running the wickets is shown on the diagram. The Start, turns and bonus strokes are the same as in American Six Wicket Croquet except that after roqueting a ball a player has four options: He may take the two bonus strokes from where his ball has come to rest. He may place his ball one mallet's headï¿½s length away from the other ball in any direction and then take his two bonus strokes. He may place his ball in contact with the roqueted ball as in a normal croquet shot and take croquet, followed by a continuation shot. He may place his ball in contact with the roqueted ball, and place his foot on his own ball and strike it so as to send the other ball some distance while his own ball remains where it is. He then has a continuation shot. There is an imaginary "yard line" one mallet's length from the boundary as in Association croquet. Balls that are sent off the court are replaced on the yard line and the turn continues. There is no penalty for going out of bounds. Playing the game with "deadness" as in Six Wicket" croquet is optional. A Rover ball may be staked out by any other ball at any point in the game, not just by another rover ball. Nine wicket court	six
The 17th Century ‘Meal Tub Plot’ was against which future king of England?	United States Croquet Association — Rules Figure 1: Court Setup The Court A backyard croquet court doesn't have to be a perfectly manicured lawn, but short grass provides the best playing surface. If you have room, the official full-size court is a rectangle, 100 feet long by 50 feet wide. For backyard play you can adjust the size and shape of the court to fit the available space. Use string or chalk to mark definite boundaries if you choose, or just mark the corners with flags or stakes. The Wickets and Stakes The nine wickets and two stakes are arranged in a double-diamond pattern as shown in the diagram. If you are playing on a smaller court, the distances shown should be scaled down in proportion to the length and width of the court. The wickets should be firmly planted in the ground, and the width of the wickets should be uniform throughout the court. The Balls For a two- or four-player, two-sided game, you need four balls. The colors usually used are blue, red, black, and yellow. One side (with one or two players) plays with blue and black, and the other with red and yellow. For a six-player team game, you need six balls. In team play, one side plays blue, black, and green, and the other side plays red, yellow, and orange. In "one-ball" games, you need one ball per player. The Mallets Each player uses a mallet. Only the striking (end) face may be used to strike a ball, unless the players have agreed to allow the use of "side" shots or other shot-making variations. Optional Accessories You can use colored clips or clothespins to mark the next wicket your ball must go through. The clip is picked up when a wicket is scored, then placed on the ball's next wicket at the end of the turn. You can use string or "chalk" to mark boundaries of the court, or just designate "off the grass" as a boundary. Object of the game The object of the game is to advance your ball through the course scoring points for each wicket and stake in the correct order and direction. The winner is the first side to score 14 wicket points and 2 stake points for each of its balls. In a timed game if the time expires, the team with the most points at the end of the time period wins. The players take turns, and only one plays at a time. At the beginning of a turn the player (called the "striker") has one shot. After that shot the turn ends, unless a bonus shot is earned by scoring a wicket or stake or by hitting another ball. The turn ends when the player has no more bonus shots to play or has finished the course by scoring the finishing stake. The striker may directly hit with the mallet only the ball he or she is playing in that turn (the "striker ball"). A has not started to score the wicket. B has started to score the wicket. C has not scored the wicket. D has scored the wicket. Scoring Wicket and Stake Points Each ball can score wicket and stake points for its side only by going through a wicket or hitting a stake in the proper order and direction. Going through a wicket out of order or in the wrong direction is not counted as a point gained or lost. A ball caused to score its wicket or stake during another ball’s turn earns the point for its side, but no bonus shot is earned as a result. A ball scores a wicket point only if it comes to rest clear of the playing side of the wicket. If a ball passes through a wicket but rolls back, it has not scored the wicket. If a ball travels backwards through its wicket to get position, it must be clear of the non-playing side to then score the wicket in the correct direction. Because wickets can be loose in the ground, it’s best not to run the side if the mallet head up or down either plane of the wicket. It’s always better to use your judgement sighting by eye. Bonus shots The striker earns one bonus shot if the striker ball scores a wicket or hits the turning stake. The striker earns two bonus shots if the striker ball hits another ball (a "roquet"). You are “dead” on a ball for extra shots until you clear your next wicket or on the start of your next turn whichever comes first. Â However, the maximum number of bonus shots earned by a striker is two; there is never a time when a striker is allowed three shots. (See the "Exceptions" section below for examples.) If two bonus shots are scored by striking another ball, the first of these two shots may be taken in any of four ways: From a mallet-head distance or less away from the ball that was hit ("taking a mallet-head"). From a position in contact with the ball that was hit, with the striker ball held steady by the striker's foot or hand (a "foot shot" or "hand shot"). From a position in contact with the ball that was hit, with the striker ball not held by foot or hand (a "croquet shot"). From where the striker ball stopped after the roquet. (If a boundary is in use and the striker ball went out of bounds, the ball should be measured in one mallet length from where it crossed the boundary). The second bonus shot after a roquet is an ordinary shot played from where the striker ball came to rest, called a "continuation shot". Bonus shots may not be accumulated. Upon earning a bonus shot by scoring a wicket, hitting the turning stake, or roqueting another ball, any bonus shot previously earned is forfeited. For example, if a ball roquets a ball and in that same stroke the striker ball hits another ball, the second ball hit is not a roquet and remains where it comes to rest (with no deadness incurred on that ball). EXCEPTIONS: Two extra shots are earned when the striker ball scores two wickets in one shot. If the ball also hits the turning stake after scoring two wickets, two strokes are earned, not three. Conversely, if the striker ball scores the seventh wicket and hits the turning stake in the same shot, it earns two shots. After the striker ball roquets another ball, it does not earn any extra shots for hitting it again in the same turn before scoring the next wicket in order. However, there is no penalty for hitting the ball again. Wicket and Roquet When the striker ball scores a wicket and then in the same shot hits another ball, only the wicket counts and the striker has earned only the one extra shot for scoring the wicket. The striker may then roquet any ball to earn two extra shots. When the striker ball roquets another ball and then goes through a wicket, the wicket has not been scored but the striker earns two extra shots for the roquet. The Boundaries If boundaries are established, whenever more than half of a ball (50%+) crosses the inside edge of a boundary, it is “Out of Bounds” and should be brought inbounds and placed one mallet length (or 36 inches) into the court. If players are using mallets of different lengths, agree to a common distance you'll measure in during the game. The ball should be placed 90 degrees inbounds and perpendicular to the line and not diagonally from the line. (Exception: When the striker ball has just roqueted (hit) another ball, the striker may choose to place it in contact with or up to a mallet-head from the ball that was roqueted.) All balls are also immediately brought in a mallet length from the boundary when they are less than that distance from the boundary, except for the striker's ball when the striker has an extra shot. If more than one ball crosses the boundary on the same spot, the striker may measure any ball inbounds first and then place the other(s) up to a mallet-head's length away from it on either side. Rover Balls After a ball scores all of the wickets in the course, its player may choose to keep it in the game as a "rover" to help advance that side's remaining ball(s) and to prevent the opposing side from advancing. During this ball's turn, it may hit any other ball only once per turn, gaining extra shots accordingly, but it does not earn any extra shots or wicket points for running a wicket. Any player may put a rover out of the game by causing it to hit the finishing stake. The rover's side earns the point for the stake, and the order of play continues without the staked-out ball. Time Limited Game If time does not permit a game to be played to the stake, a time limit may be set beforehand. A kitchen timer works well to alert players to the end of the time limit. When the time limit is reached the game is over. Â This is known as "sudden stop". If the score is tied in the "sudden stop" format, the ball closest to its contested wicket gets an extra point for the win. Challenging Optional Rules All players in the game must consent to these optional rules before the start of the game. Any combination of options (none to all) may be chosen. National or American Croquet Options Option 1. Using Deadness. Deadness occurs after a roquet is made and the striker is unable to score his/her wicket. The consequences are that the striker is not allowed to roquet the ball(s) again until scoring the wicket. Once the wicket is scored, the striker becomes 'alive' and is able to roquet the ball(s) again. If a striker roquets a ball he/she is dead on, all balls are replaced to their positions before the shot, and the turn is over. Deadness carries over from turn to turn. Option 1a. Special relief of deadness. A side may clear one of its balls of deadness when the opponent makes the first wicket after the turning stake (the 8th wicket) so long as that side is behind in points (not tied) at the end of the opponent’s turn. Option 1b. Clearing Deadness. A side may clear one of its balls of deadness when the opponent makes the first wicket after the turning stake (the 8th wicket) regardless of score at the end of the opponent’s turn. Option 2. Out of Bounds Play. A) A ball is considered out-of-bounds if it is more than halfway over the boundary line which is considered to be the inside edge of the boundary marking. If a striker sends any ball(s) out-of-bounds as the result of their shot, all balls shall be measured in 9” from the spot where they crossed the boundary line and the turn ends. The only exceptions to this are when the striker’s ball crosses the boundary line as the result of a roquet (where it is then lifted and placed either in contact or up to 9” from the roqueted ball) or a striker ball directly hits (not a cannon) any other ball out of bounds after it has roqueted a ball (any such ball is marked in and the striker takes croquet from the roqueted ball). Additionally, any ball coming to rest within 9” of the boundary shall be marked in 9” prior to the next shot unless it is the striker ball and it has any remaining shots. Any balls within the 9” at the end of a turn shall be marked in 9” inches. A mallet head is normally 9” in length. Longer heads should have a 9” mark on it for the placing of balls. B) If Option 1 is in effect and the striker roquets a ball out-of-bounds, the turn is over and the out-of-bounds ball is marked in 9". However, no deadness is incurred. Option 3. Starting Deadness. May be used in conjunction with Option 1 regarding deadness.Â No extra shots are earned by hitting another ball until both the striker ball and the ball to be roqueted have cleared a designated wicket(typically #1, #2, or #3).Â A ball “not in the game” may have a ball(s) “in the game” marked and lifted for a shot â and vice versa. Balls “out” of the game are dead on balls “in” the game- and visa versa. Option 4. Wired. If an opponent causes the striker ball to be blocked by a wicket or stake (wired) when the striker wishes to shoot at a ball it is alive on, the striker may move his/her ball a mallet head’s length or up to 9 inches in any direction from its wired position to enable a possible open shot on that ball. The striker is not obligated to shoot at a ball from this new position and may take any shot he/she wishes. This optional rule does not apply if the striker’s side placed the striker ball in its current position, only if the opponent placed it there. If moving the ball 9 inches in any direction does not present an open shot, the striker may move the striker's ball a greater distance (but no greater distance than needed) to create an open shot but must do so without shortening the distance between the ball they were wired from and the original position of the striker's ball. Additionally, they must shoot at the ball they are now open on. Option 5. Blocked at a Wicket by a Dead Ball. If an opponent causes a ball to be blocked from scoring its wicket by a dead ball(s) for two consecutive turns, the blocked ball becomes alive on the blocking ball(s). The opponent must be responsible for the block, not the side claiming a block. A block must be confirmed by the blocking side in order to be counted as a block, in order to avoid disputes. In addition, the proposed wicket shot that is claimed to be blocked must be possible to make to count as a block. Option 6. Rover Play A rover may hit all balls once per turn; however, once the rover is dead on a ball(s), it must go through any wicket in any direction to clear its deadness on that ball(s). The rover does not get an additional (bonus) shot after going through this clearing wicket. If the rover goes through any wicket in any direction while dead on one or more balls (intentionally or not), the turn is over regardless of any additional shots remaining. Once a clearing wicket is made, the rover is alive on all balls in its next turn and may hit them in any order. Option 7. Poison A poison ball is one that has scored all the wickets but hasn't hit the finishing stake. A poison ball may hit any opponent ball and have it removed from the game. Conversely, if an opponent ball hits a poison ball, the poison ball is removed from the game. If a poison ball fully passes through any wicket in any direction, it is removed from the game. A poison ball does not earn bonus shots for hitting other balls. Option 8. Over Time Play When a timed match has expired, each ball gets a last turn. If a ball has played its last stroke of the turn and is still rolling on the court when time expires, it will get another turn. If the losing side has played its last turns, the winning side may not play its last turn (aka last ball/last turn may not play). If the score is tied after the "last turn" round, the ball closest to its contested wicket gets an extra point for the win. Â A tournament director may choose to use multiple last turns rounds (ideally, no more than two rounds). Option 9. Ball in Hand From where the striker ball stopped after the roquet. If the striker picks up the striker ball, way #4 is no longer available and the striker must proceed with ways #1, #2 or #3 for taking the first bonus shot. Option 10. Non-Sequence Order of Play On the opening turn the sequence is blue/red/black/yellow, after the opening turn a player may choose to play either of their balls on each turn. Various Sets of 9 Wicket Backyard Rules Used In North America Norwich OptionsÂ (recommended you play options 21- 25 as a set) Option 21. Non-Sequence Order of Play On the opening turn the sequence is blue/red/black/yellow, after the opening turn a player may choose to play either of their balls on each turn. Option 22. Deadness A player’s ball is alive on all other balls at the start of every turn.Â IIf a player hits a ball they are dead on, the turn is over and all balls are returned to the original positons. Option 23. Out of Bounds Â A ball is out of bounds if it touches the boundary line.Â If a player hits their ball or another ball out of bounds, the turn is over and all balls come back in perpendicular 9 inches from the boundary line. Option 24. Lift When a player hits the turning stake, the opponent on their next turn may choose to pick up one of their balls and play it a mallet head (9 inches) from the turning stake or from the center wicket. Option 25. Timed Game All games are timed for 1 hour with sudden stop when the clock expires and there are no extra turns. If the score is tied in the "sudden stop" format, the ball closest to its contested wicket gets an extra point for the win. Claremont Options Option 31. Â Hand Roquet The Ball Known as sending, the Claremont rules now prohibit footing the ball, but allow placing ones hand on the ball in the same fashion. If in so doing, the striker loses control of his ball, he is penalized by losing the rest of his turn. Option 32. Wicketed Ball When a ball, while proceeding in the direction of play, stops halfway through it object wicket, it is considered a wicketed ball. The wicketed ball may be the player’s ball or a ball that has been propelled to the wicketed position by another player. If it is the player’s ball, the player loses the rest of his turn, a Minor Penalty. If the wicketed position has resulted from the play of another player, there is no penalty; all balls remain in the same position achieved by the play and play continues. If, in the ensuing play, another player strokes his ball into the wicketed ball, he loses the rest of his turn and his next turn, a Major Penalty. This other player may, however, displace the wicketed ball without penalty, either forward or backward, by hitting another ball with his ball, hand-holding his ball against the ball which has been hit and driving it against the wicketed ball. He might achieve the same result with a split-shot. A situation calling for such a play would be rare, however. On his next turn, the player of the wicketed ball has three options; (a) He may stroke his ball forward, thereby, making the wicket, but his turn stops there unless by his stroke he has make another wicket or hit another ball, in which case, he receives the usual additional stroke(s). (b) He may stroke his ball backward. From the position thus attained he could, on his following turn, proceed through his wicket and get the usual stroke for so doing; or he might, on his backward stroke, achieve a hit on another ball and get the usual two additional strokes. (c) Finally, he might consider it the best strategy to take a tap for a stroke. Option 33. Deadness. When a player’s ball hits a ball on which it is dead, the player loses the rest of his turn and all of his next turn. A player’s ball is cleared of its deadness on all balls at the beginning of a new turn or upon gaining a wicket. Option 34. Rover Ball A partner becomes a rover when he has completed the course, with the exception of hitting the home stake. He continues to take his turn and can now devote his efforts to helping his partner. As no wickets are left for him to make, the deadness rule limits him to one hit a turn on the other three balls. . All the other balls are allowed to play off the rover and even send him through remaining wickets ( some players leave at least one wicket to make it harder for opponents to stake him out of the game) and into the stake removing him from the game. Â Option 35. Shot Time Limits Players should be reasonable in the amount of time taken to analyze a situation and take the next shot; one minute, 60 seconds, is considered the normal amount of time necessary. In tournament play, the referee will use his judgement and take whatever steps are necessary to keep the game moving along. Frequently Asked Questions Q: "At the start of the game, is it better to go first or last?" A: Generally, it's better to go last, because the more balls in front of you, the more options you have in playing your ball. So, unlike other games, it is not polite to insist that the other team/player goes first. Q: "Is there any particular way that I must hold the mallet and hit the ball?" A: No, except that you cannot "push" the balls, i.e., you keep swinging so that your mallet is really pushing the ball forward. However, it is advisable to use a traditional swing, where you swing the mallet in a straight line between your legs, as opposed to from the side like golf. Q: "Do I have to go through the wickets in any particular order?" A: Yes, you must follow the double-diamond pattern and go through the wickets in order of their numbers, i.e., wicket 1, then 2, then 3, etc. (See Diagram) Q: "Can I really use my hand or foot to hold my ball while hitting it and knocking another ball away?" A: Yes, if you have hit that other ball and have scored bonus shots. You may place your ball right next to that other ball and do so. This is called either a "hand roquet" or a "foot roquet." If the striker ball comes loose from the foot or hand after hitting it there is no penalty and you can simply play the striker ball from where it comes to rest. Q: "If I send a ball over the boundary, is there a penalty?" A: No (unless you use Option 2), sending a ball out of bounds does not end your turn. When a ball goes out of bounds, it is replaced a mallet length (or, on a small court, a mallet-head) in from the boundary, and if the striker has another shot, the turn continues. Q: "If my ball hits another ball and then goes through its next wicket, what happens next?" A: If your ball hits another ball, you immediately earn two extra shots (unless you have hit that ball in that turn since making your last wicket). In this situation, the wicket doesn't count, and you must take the extra shots earned. Q: "If my ball goes through a wicket and then hits another ball on the same shot, what happens next?" A: In this case, you have earned one extra shot for the wicket, but the roquet on the other ball is ignored. You may choose to hit that ball again on the continuation shot to earn two extra shots, but you aren't required to do so. Q: "Don't I get 3 bonus shots if my ball hits another ball and goes through a wicket on the same shot?" A: No. Bonus shots are not accumulated. One shot either results in one more bonus shot or two, depending on the shot. One shot can never result in 3 bonus shots. Q: "What happens when, after receiving two bonus shots, my first bonus shot clears a wicket? Do I still have 2 bonus shots or just 1?" A: You have one shot left, in that you lose your second bonus shot from the prior roquet, but you still have one stroke left for scoring the wicket. Q: "If my ball is hit through a wicket by an opponent, do I get credit for scoring that wicket?" A: Yes. You get credit for that wicket and you can move on to the next wicket. When it is your turn to shoot next, you still have only one shot from where your ball ended up. Q: "When is a ball through a wicket?" A: See the diagram and discussion in the "Scoring Wicket and Stake Points" section above. Q: "What happens if I miss my ball entirely on a shot?" A: It counts as a shot, and if you had only one shot when you missed, your turn ends. Q: "What happens when someone plays out of turn? Is there a penalty?" A: No, but once the out-of-turn play is discovered, you must replace the ball that last played out of turn and have the correct ball play. (See the out of turn rule in the main section for an example). Q: "Is there a rule that says you are 'dead' on a ball you've hit (not allowed to hit it) until you make your next wicket?" A: Yes, see Option 1. In the regular version of backyard croquet, however, there is no carryover of "deadness" from one turn to the next (unless using Option 1) and no penalty or reward for hitting a ball more than once between wickets. Once you hit a ball and earn the two extra shots for the roquet, you cannot earn any extra shots for hitting it again until you either a) make your next wicket or b) finish your turn. Playing with carryover deadness is optional in nine-wicket croquet but is very much a part of the American six-wicket game played in clubs and tournaments. The tournament rules available from the USCA cover the details of this and other aspects of advanced play.	i don't know
The ram represents which sign of the Zodiac?	Aries Sun Sign - Zodiac Signs - Article by Astrology.com Aries Sun Sign - Zodiac Signs by Astrology.com November 20, 2009 03:22 PM EST Share Share Share Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and that's pretty much how those born under this sign see themselves: first. Aries are the leaders of the pack, first in line to get things going. Whether or not everything gets done is another question altogether, for an Aries prefers to initiate rather than to complete. Do you have a project needing a kick-start? Call an Aries, by all means. The leadership displayed by Aries is most impressive, so don't be surprised if they can rally the troops against seemingly insurmountable odds -- they have that kind of personal magnetism. An Aries won't shy away from new ground, either. Those born under this sign are often called the pioneers of the zodiac, and it's their fearless trek into the unknown that often wins the day. Aries is a bundle of energy and dynamism, kind of like a Pied Piper, leading people along with its charm and charisma. The dawning of a new day -- and all of its possibilities -- is pure bliss to an Aries. The symbol of Aries is the Ram, and that's both good and bad news. Impulsive Aries might be tempted to ram their ideas down everyone's throats without even bothering to ask if they want to know. It's these times when you may wish Aries' symbol were a more subdued creature, more lamb than ram perhaps. You're not likely to convince the Ram to soften up; these folks are blunt and to the point. Along with those qualities comes the sheer force of the Aries nature, a force that can actually accomplish a great deal. Much of Aries' drive to compete and to win comes from its Cardinal Quality. Cardinal Signs love to get things going, and Aries exemplifies this even better than Cancer, Libra or Capricorn. Aries is ruled by Mars. Taking a peek at Roman mythology, we find that Mars was the God of War. Our man Mars was unafraid to do battle, and much the same can be said for Aries. These folks are bold, aggressive and courageous. They can summon up the inner strength required to take on most anyone, and they'll probably win. Aries do not lack energy or vitality, and they can stay in the game longer than most anyone else. Now that's a winning edge. Rams are also, for the most part, independent and well aware of their own interests in a given situation. This sometimes myopic view may not be for everyone, but it does help Aries get things going. Further, their competitive natures ensure that they will play the game with zeal and vigor. At times, their approach may be construed as arrogant and domineering, but it takes a lot of focus to be a leader (or so an Aries would say). Sadly, Aries won't usually be around for the final victory (defeat? never). These folks will more than likely have bolted to the next project before the first one is done. The element associated with Aries is Fire. Think action, enthusiasm and a burning desire to play the game. Aries love physicality, so they won't sit on the sidelines for long, if at all. They'll jump into the fray full force and will contribute much in the process. Talk about eager beavers! Sure, some of their decisions may later prove to have been hasty, but you'll never find an Aries who regretted taking a shot. Making things happen is what it's all about to these folks. Aries are also unafraid of stepping onto new terrain. The challenge inherent in taking on the unknown is heaven on Earth for Rams. Sure, they may appear arrogant when they take on the world, but they'll be quick to tell you it's the only way to go. While a common Aries refrain might well be 'me first,' there's no point in arguing with them since, in their minds, they are first. Is this unbridled ego? Maybe, but that might be what it takes to blaze a new trail. Oh, and on the subject of arguing, it's the Ram who will have the last word, so save your breath. Aries plays as hard as they work. These folks are happiest in a spirited soccer match or engaging in the martial arts. In the game of love, the Ram's ardor is unquestioned, although Aries can also be playful and romantic with their mate. With Aries ruling the head, face and brain, those born under this sign need to be on the lookout for headaches and are well-served to take the occasional deep breath. The Ram's color is bright red, a sure sign of the fire that breathes within. The great strength of the Aries-born is in their initiative, courage and determination. These folks love to get things going and are fearless along the way. Their dynamism and competitive spirit add considerably to any of their endeavors. Sponsored Link	Aries
What does a cordwainer make?	Zodiac Symbols and their Meanings \| Guides \| Astrology Zodiac Symbols and their Meanings Category: Guides Tagged under Is the symbol for your sun sign a puzzle? These zodiac symbols are more than just a handy form of shorthand. Like an icon, they tell us a bigger story - representing the essence of your sign, and its place in the zodiac. Astrologers use these zodiac symbols to identify sun signs, or the sign a planet is passing through at a particular time. And once you’re tuned in to them you’ll see them everywhere – perhaps even tattooed onto a bare shoulder….. So what does your zodiac symbol mean? Ruling Planet: Mars Symbol: The Ram. The glyph shows the horns of the ram – an aggressive, adventurous and indefatigable animal. The energy and assertive, feisty qualities of the ram are always associated with the sun sign Aries. Another interpretation of the glyph is that it shows the eyebrows and nose of a human face. Aries rules the head, and is traditionally thought to be a headstrong sign – acting first and thinking about it later on. This is the first sign of the zodiac, and like a child is ever ready to start anew and set off on adventures. TAURUS Element: Earth Ruling Planet: Venus Symbol: The Bull. The Chaldeans, Ancient Egyptians and the Greeks are all associated with the mythology of the bull-king, and much bull symbolism is found in these ancient cultures. This glyph denotes the round face and upwardly curving horns of the bull – a magnificent animal that is hard, if not impossible, to budge; possessive about its space; dangerous when roused; but can be lazy, slow moving, and sensual. Taureans can be very concerned with material security, and acquiring wealth – becoming possessive about possessions and cautious about change. GEMINI Element: Air Ruling Planet: Mercury Symbol: The Twins. The sign of the Twins is symbolised by two upright ‘I’’s, rather like the Roman numeral II. Gemini is a dual sign, traditionally representing all forms of duality – such as light and dark, positive and negative, quiet and talkative. Traditionally, the Geminian character is versatile and communicative but prone to rapid changes of mood and fluctuating energy levels. Those close to Geminis often feel as though they are living or working with at least two different people. CANCER Element: Water Ruling Planet: The Moon Symbol: The Crab. Two circles with tails represent either a woman’s breasts, or alternatively, the crab with its powerful, curving claws. The breasts symbolise motherhood and nourishment – key Cancerian concerns, while the crab symbol suggests the sidelong approach and incredible tenacity associated with this sign - and its symbolic creature. The crab’s hard shell protects its vulnerable interior too. Cancerians are usually very emotionally self-protective and butter-soft within. LEO Element: Fire Ruling Planet: The Sun Symbol: The Lion. A curving line represents the lion’s mane, the symbolic animal belonging to this sunny, summer sign. Some important Leo characteristics are feline in nature – the proud, graceful bearing; the need for rest followed by intense activity; the sensual love of pleasure and playful qualities. The lion’s roar, too, can be easily imagined when an angry Leo finally lets off steam. VIRGO Element: Earth Ruling Planet: Mercury Symbol: The Virgin. The Virgin of Virgo is the only female figure in the Zodiac, the other single human figure being the male Water Bearer of Aquarius. The maiden, or virgin, usually holds a ripe ear of wheat, linking her with ancient goddesses such as Roman Ceres and the Greek earth goddess Demeter. The coiled ‘M’ of this glyph is said to represent the intestines, a part of the body ruled by Virgo, or the ovaries, vagina and uterus. Virgo is traditionally linked with health, hygiene, and all forms of service and healing. Virgos are often most concerned with diet, and suffer from nervous indigestion when upset or worried. LIBRA Element: Air Ruling Planet: Venus Symbol: The Scales. Libra is the only zodiac sign represented by an inanimate object, the scales of balance and harmony. The Sun begins to travel through the sign of Libra at the autumn equinox in late September, when the day and night are of equal length. Libra is concerned with justice, and the scales of justice in which evidence is weighed. Libra’s reputation for indecisiveness stems from their desire to evaluate everything so that they can make a perfectly balanced judgement. SCORPIO Element: Water Ruling Planets: Mars and Pluto Symbols: The Scorpion and The Eagle. The ‘M’ like glyph with an arrowed tail is said to represent the scorpion and its deadly sting. Intense and brooding, Scorpios do have a certain reputation for revenge and retribution – the ‘sting in the tail’ is considered part of their character. The Eagle represents the higher nature of Scorpio - concerned with transformation and rebirth through ecstatic sexual love, plus the ability to make a conscious decision to rise far above jealousy, resentment and poisonous, destructive urges. SAGITTARIUS Element: Fire Ruling Planet: Jupiter Symbol: A centaur (half man, half horse) with a bow and arrow. The glyph shows an arrow, or occasionally a bow and arrow. The mythic centaur has the upper body of a man, and the legs and lower body of a horse – ever restless and eager to gallop off in search of new horizons, like many people born under this sign. The arrows represent ambitions, dreams and hopes being shot into the air towards some mystical target. Sagittarius is often a philosophical character, able to see paradox and duality because they are an essential part of the Sagittarian personality. CAPRICORN Element: Earth Ruling Planet: Saturn Symbol: The Sea Goat, a mythical creature with the upper body of a goat and the tail of a fish. The ‘V’ shaped glyph is said to represent the goat’s horned head, with the curling, sinuous fish’s tail behind. There are a number of sea gods in ancient myth, ruling over the mysterious unconscious realms of the ocean. When the goat climbs up onto the land, it brings spiritual wisdom to the practical tasks and need to build, symbolised by the earth. Capricorn is an ambitious sign, but able (in its highest expression) to understand that simply satisfying the individual ego is never truly fulfilling. AQUARIUS Element: Air Ruling Planets: Saturn and Uranus Symbol: The Water Bearer is pictured as a man holding a large jar or vessel, from which water pours out onto the land. The glyph is two wavy, zig-zag lines, representing the water (also an Ancient Egyptian hieroglyph), or alternatively the electricity associated with Aquarius’ second planetary ruler, Uranus. Aquarius is an airy, intellectual sign, thinking, talking and analysing everything. They can be emotionally detached, but have strong feelings about justice and human rights. The water pouring from the jar symbolises communication – the endless pouring out of mental energy and original ideas which often typifies an Aquarian personality. PISCES Element: Water Ruling Planets: Jupiter and Neptune Symbol: The Two Fishes, joined together, but swimming in opposite directions. Another dual sign, like Gemini, the two fishes of Pisces represent the lifelong battle of the Piscean nature. One fish swims towards the soulful, mystical oceans, intent upon sacrificing itself for the good of others, or for some spiritual or political belief. The other swims towards self-fulfilment, and achieving personal goals. Piscean intuition, symbolised by the waters in which the fishes swim, is what makes it possible for them to sense the whole picture and balance their inner struggle. Learning how to trust and develop their intuition is especially important for this complex, sensitive sign.	i don't know
In British politics, who was described as ‘The Chingford Skinhead’?	Simon Hoggart's sketch: Chingford skinhead, Prince of Darkness, smiley old gent \| Politics \| The Guardian Simon Hoggart's sketch Iain Duncan Smith campaigning in Chingford and Woodford Green with his precessor Lord Tebbit. Photograph: Sean Smith Monday 2 May 2005 05.46 EDT First published on Monday 2 May 2005 05.46 EDT Share on Messenger Close The Prince of Darkness arrived back in Chingford. For one of Satan's most senior satraps, he looked surprisingly amiable: white haired and smiling, like a department store Santa who's decided to lose weight during the off-season. He is still in pain from the Brighton bomb in 1984, but he concentrates his energies on his wife, Margaret, who will always be in a wheelchair. "I'm trying to get a platform fitted to the back, so I can ride postilion for her." But I always thought Norman Tebbit's image as a snarling polecat - the "Chingford skinhead" as somebody called him - was largely defensive. "It's not me you don't like," he seemed to be saying, "it's this image I've constructed." And indeed, in this seat which he represented until 1992 when Iain Duncan Smith took over, he seems to be liked and even loved. Mothers ushered their children to be photographed with him, though he can't resist the occasional snarl. Putting his arms round three children while their mother fiddles with the camera, he says: "Course, if I were a schoolteacher, I'd be nicked for having my hands on them." It's true that some people veered away as we approached, though the only harsh words came from a Labour canvasser: "I remember you from years ago. Oh mah gawd!" said with the air of one who has accidentally bitten into a toad sandwich. Tebbit was touring the constituency with Duncan Smith, who's defending a safe majority. It's a lower middle-class area, which elsewhere would have gone Labour in the landslides. North-east London stayed loyal to the Tories, possibly because these are aspirational people, glad to get out of the slums. The Kray family are buried in the cemetery, to the annoyance of residents, since they didn't live here. But like many East Enders, they presumably felt that Chingford was a nice place to end up. The northern part of the seat was the last place Churchill represented; Lawrence of Arabia had a sort of holiday hut here. Immigration is an issue, but mainly they mean British people in social housing. A woman approaches IDS and says it's a pity he was prime minister for such a short time. "Hold that thought!" he replies cheerily. Meanwhile, Tebbit is on to Europe; a very good thing in some ways, he thinks, bringing free trade and lower pollution. We do need to get our fisheries back, and control over our borders. But the bureaucracy ..."They've been debating for two years who to put on a carton of yoghurt." Even immigrants seem to like him. He chats to Mladen Jovcic, who came here from Serbia after the war. "He's as British as I am!" says Tebbit slapping him on the back, though to be fair Mr Jovcic is a Tory councillor. But other new arrivals get the glad hand too. A shy black girl is glad the Tories have opposed the clauses against religious defamation. ("She'll be an evangelical Christian," says Duncan Smith. "They're fighting the Muslims for Afro-Caribbean members and are afraid the new law might stop them.") Two Muslims are grateful for Tebbit's opposition to the anti-terrorism bill, or at least the "bang up the lot" clauses. "I thought we had that sorted 1,000 years ago," he says. He can't even bring himself to be very rude about Tony Blair. "I don't think he's a liar, just a fantasist. He says whatever he likes, and then he believes it." Someone says that there ought to be more like him in British politics, and he agrees. "I'm having myself cloned, so there'll be 650 of me in the House of Commons ." I decide not to hold that thought.	Norman Tebbit
‘Mehefin’ is Welsh for which month of the year?	The Socialist Way: Return of the Chingford Skinhead (Part 1) Thursday, 17 June 2010 Return of the Chingford Skinhead (Part 1) Continuing on the theme of unemployment, not that this continues a medley with a happy beat about it, well at lest not for those of us on the receiving-end of a dole cheque and battling to get by on it’s pigeon-toed pittance. I consider that many on the so-called left, (which is a definition that I do not like using to describe my own politics, being an unadulterated socialist) positively do not grasped the frostiness, the reality that is a life spent not so much on the dole, but the experience of having to make do with very little and then somehow find a way through it all, of course it’s very much harder today in this new age of austerity. Not so much then a case of self-deprivation (refraining from worldly pleasures) but rather the instance of denial being inflicted, and no prize-winners in holding first place in a contest for approximating; authoritatively inflicted as a recurring nightmare that is geared to and tailor-made to meet the imperatives of capitalism. Bizarre and yet not comical how a word such as ‘austerity’ lies dormant and then its groan is heard everywhere, like a rickettsial attack it immediacy pokes its method through the world as governments start deficit reduction, the next stage of holding up and maintaining the system that runs, ruins and dominates all our lives. Two years ago throughout the world the banking system almost collapsed at the hands of that barefaced gaggle of evildoers, who stuck in their collected thumbs and pulled out a fat plum and said what good boys are we, while millions lost homes, and the lives of many broken and lost for ever, such unimaginable and rarely unreported real human tragedies lie stunned and strewed like dead bodies on a battlefield. The real anguish is that this is allowed to happen without any really effective opposition from those who say they are of the left, and for years now I’ve seen and observed them play in the dirt with a flavour of the month, the Internet is a wash with this ludicrousness, the real problem to all our collected troubles is the capitalist system, It is as it has always been, an affront to every man, woman and child that adorns the world with their very presence, but who are still denied and fleeced of so much. Remember Norman Tebbit: Oh sorry, let’s give him his proper title the ‘Chingford Skinhead’, and whilst we do remember, which is not as hard, as he often makes the news with his dogmatic, odious and grandiloquent views; but let’s just recall that this was not only the man that told the working class to get on your bike when he said: “I grew up in the '30s with an unemployed father. He didn't riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he kept looking 'til he found it.” Now Tebbit said and did many things whilst he was a loyal member of the Thatcher crew of buccaneers, robbing and plundering the lives of the generation that I suppose, I belong too. I’ve raised Norman from the departed in this post because when he retired from his Chingford seat he was replaced and succeeded by Iain Duncan Smith, who was said to be Tebbit’s protégé, in fact Tebbit said of Smith: “"If you think I'm right-wing, you should meet this guy". Now of course for those of us in the UK Iain Duncan Smith will be best recollected as the failed and conked out, right wing leader of the Conservatives’ from some years back, a short stay (12 September 2001 to 6 November 2003) and leaving by way of losing a vote of confidence amongst his parliamentary party, something which Cameron has moved to avoid by commanding changes recently brought about to weaken the powerful 1922 committee and the part that it plays in ether electing or bringing down leaders such as Thatcher. Anyhow, what matters is the significance that Iain Duncan Smith, has taken up office in the coalition and heading the Department for Work and Pensions, as its Secretary of State, and if we keep that in mind we can now see that the Tebbit protégé has indeed become the recipient of the ‘Chingford Skinhead’s’ bother-boots. Tebbit was both Employment Secretary (In 2001 the employment functions were split off this and transferred to the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions) and Trade and Industry Secretary (now The Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills with the incumbent: Vince Cable in the Chair) under Thatcher, these were two separate departments which Tebbit left his mark on, that changed probably to the detriment and degradation of us all, the way our everyday lives have paned out in and under modern capitalism. When Iain Duncan Smith, was forced to relinquish the leadership of the Tory party; he set-about basically reinventing himself politically, being appointed chairman for the Centre for Social Justice, which has been described as a centre-right think tank that works with small charities in its aim of finding innovative policies for tackling poverty, this is obviously a joke that attempts to give this Tory and his party a cloak that covers and conceals there real contempt for working people, acting as the apologist while placing blame and onuses on the shoulders of poor people. Well whatever else one could say about Iain Duncan Smith or IDS as he likes to be known, it worked, not just winning new respect in his own party but amongst some members of the Labour Party such as the great Frank Field, who was given the role of "poverty czar" in David Cameron's coalition government, but more about him latter. So for now, I think I’ve set the seen and the partial background to the unemployment crises that is about to unfold here in the UK. In my second part, I will take a closer look at who is doing what at Works and Pensions, what may be in store for claimants? And how do we build an effective campaign nationally, and what form should it take? Posted by	i don't know
What type of creature is a quelea?	Red-billed Quelea (Birds) In Depth Tutorials and Information Red-billed Quelea (Birds) Quelea quelea KEY FEATURES African relative of the sparrow, the quelea feeds and breeds in vast colonies over a million strong Descending on cultivated crops to feed, these huge flocks can devastate farmland Although vigorously persecuted as a pest, it has survived everything that people can throw at it WHERE IN THE WORLD! Ranges across open grassland south of the Sahara, through East Africa and into southern Africa; absent from North Africa and equatorial forests Lifecycle There is almost no such thing as a single red-billed quelea. The flock travels, feeds, roosts and breeds together in one of nature’s most remarkable examples of community. HABITAT A Birds of a feather… sometimes called the “avian locust,” the quelea flocks over arable land and watering holes. The quelea ranges in vast flocks over the grasslands and savannahs of sub-Saharan Africa. It’s at home anywhere there are seeds to eat and trees to provide roosts. It can be found over a vast area of the continent. Although these conditions exclude the dense, equatorial forest belt and semidesert, such as found on the Horn of Africa, the quelea is flexible enough to thrive in humid swampland and dry, acacia-dotted savannah. With large habitat areas being turned over to agriculture, the quelea is being forced to spend more time on arable land. One tree occupied by breeding queleas had 6,000 nests. The total population of the red-billed quelea is estimated at one billion. A feeding quelea’s crop can become so distended, its contents can be identified through the stretched skin. One quelea flock had more than 80 million birds. BREEDING The red-billed quelea breeds in dense colonies. Thousands of pairs rear their young in trees thick with nests. With the onset of the breeding season, the male, in his bright mating plumage, begins building a roughly spherical nest. When half-constructed, he stops work and starts advertising his skills and charms. If a female likes the look of him and his nest, they mate, and he completes the structure. Both parents feed the brood insects and succulent larvae — a diet that ensures a rich supply of protein and vitamins for the fast-developing young. At 2 weeks old, the young are fledged and ready to leave the nest; two weeks after that they are independent. BEHAVIOR Compulsively social, the quelea lives in flocks that can have tens of millions of individuals and darken the sky like a pall of smoke. Wheeling and swirling, the flock-moves together in perfect synchrony like a shoal of fish, billowing across the landscape with a roar of wingbeats. A flock feeding on the ground becomes a sea of tiny, feathered bodies. Early in the morning, the flock sets out to find food, settling down to feed before it gets too hot. After a midday break in the shade, the birds feed again, and then retreat to roost in trees at dusk. A flock may travel 36 miles or more in a day, moving to new sites several times if food is not plentiful. The quelea does not always live in vast numbers everywhere. Where food is scarce, flocks are much smaller. One in a million A tightly packed flock is a good defense against hawks and other aerial predators. A Show house Nest-building is vital to the quelea’s mating display. CONSERVATION Humans have attacked queleas with guns, poisons and even flamethrowers without significant results. However, widespread use of pesticides may be causing real damage. FOOD & FEEDING For thousands of years, these seed-eating birds have exploited the wild grasslands in much the same way as herds of grazing mammals. They descend on a verdant area in huge numbers, eat their fill and then move on. Today, much wild grassland has been cultivated for cereal crops, irresistible pickings for a quelea flock. The quelea’s stout bill is perfect for cracking husks. Worked by strong muscles, its mandible can easily crush tough grass seeds and make light work of softer; cultivated grasses. A visit from a flock of queleas can spell disaster for an African cereal farmer: A FINE FEAST Gathering for dinner… A vast flock of red-billed queleas sweeps across the land. A tasty crop of ripe grain attracts them. Places please… Each of the million or more birds has a hearty appetite. It hops from stem to stem, stripping the seedheads. Clean sweep… Within a few hours, the crop is ravaged and worthless to the farmer. The flock swirls away. Washing it down Returning to their roost, the birds stop off for water, some swooping down to collect it on the wing. PROFILE Red-billed Quelea The red-billed quelea looks innocent enough on its own, but in a flock a million strong, it is one of the most feared creatures in Africa. CREATURE COMPARISONS One of the quelea’s more colorful relatives is the golden palm weaver (Ploceus bojeri), an elegant, sparrow-sized bird that is common on Kenya’s Indian Ocean coastline. Here it feeds in small parties among the palm trees and shrubs near the shore, flitting through the foliage in search of berries and other fruit. Like the red-billed quelea, and-most other weavers, the male builds an elaborate, suspended nest from woven grasses and attracts a mate, using a spectacular display of plumage. VITAL STATISTICS	Bird
The island of Feurteventura lies in which body of water?	Smallest Bird, Largest Bird, Fastest Bird, Slowest Bird \| Birds of a Feather B&B Birds of a Feather B&B We had a wonderful time! The dogs were great. We will certainly come again! - Kim & John Beautiful... great experience and hospitality ! - Karen 'Thank you for the nice stay. We enjoyed our short trip to Vancouver Island and now know a fine place to stay for our next trip to... - Andrea & Sven Thanks so much, your B&B was much more than advertized. We chose the right place for our last night in B.C. The 5km run to Royal... - Sarah My recent stay at Birds of a Feather was a great experience. As a new student to Royal Roads University I found the location to the... - Dianne Appleby We thoroughly enjoyed our stay. Everything from the views, our room, the comfort, the company, and Dieter's generous hospitality was... - Sonia We had an amazing time here on the island for our honeymoon! This room was perfect! It was our first experience at a B&B, and... - Ryan & Christine Holst This place is magical!! I loved eveything from the wildlife and the scenery to the full moon that took my breath away!! Thank you... - Diane Todosychuk Lovely place to stay! Dieter gave us the best advice about how to spend our limited time here. We are in awe of the beauty of the... - Patricia Bender & Judy Kelly Thank you for welcoming us into your home, everything absolutely perfect - not often I am left speecless but.... WOW! We have found... - Helena & Ray Farmer Smallest Bird, Largest Bird, Fastest Bird, Slowest Bird Best Price Guarantee Smallest Bird Male bee hummingbirds (mellisuga helenae), which live in Cuba, weigh 0.056 ounces and are 2.75 inches in length. The bill and tail account for half of this length. Smallest Bird of Prey The black-legged falconet ( Micrphierax fringlius ) of southeast Asia and the white-fronted or Bornean falconet ( M. latifrons ) of northwestern Borneo both have an average length of 5.5-6 inches, including a 2 inch tail, and weigh approximately 1.25 ounces. Smallest Parrot [contributed by Harold Armitage, Wild Macaws Wild Macaws] The Pygmy parrots of Papua and nearby islands. Genus Micropsitta. There's six different sorts - Yellow-capped, Buff-faced, Finsch's, Geelvink, Meek's, Red-breasted - all around 3" long (8cm). Thought to eat lichens and mosses but not much is known about their lifestyles. Fastest Swimming Bird Gentoo Penguin found on the Antarctic Islands can swim 40 km per hour. Large populations are found at South Georgia, Falkland Islands, and Iles Kerguelen although their breeding distribution is circumpolar. An orange bill and a white stroke behind its eye distinguish the black and white gentoos from the smaller adelie and chinstrap species. Long stiff tail feathers stick out behind as they walk, often cocked up in the water, no other penguin has such a prominent tail. They breed in winter at the more northerly sub-Antarctic islands, laying two eggs as early as July. Can dive over 300' though most prey dives are shallower. Most dives last only half a minute. Largest Carnivorous Bird (contribution by Christoph Kulmann) Titanis Walleri. This bird is known from the early Pleistocene (Ice Age) of Florida. It is the last known member of the family Phorusrhacidae, a group of large, flightless birds which evolved in South America. This creature had an estimated body height of 3 meters (if it stood fully erect, and 2.5 meters in more normal situations). Titanis really had arms instead of wings. Tallest Flying Birdscrane The largest cranes (family Gruidae) can be almost 6 ft. 6 in. tall. Heaviest Flying Birds The Kori Bustard or paauw (Ardeotis Kori) of northeast and southern Africa and the great bustard (Otis tarda) of Europe and Asia weigh about 40-42 pounds. There is a report of a 46 lb. 4 oz. male great bustard shot in northeastern China. It was too heavy to fly. Heaviest Birds of Prey Andean condors (Vultur gryphus) are the heaviest species of bird of prey. Males weigh 20-27 pounds and have a wingspan of at least 10 feet. A male California condor (Gymnogyps californianus) preserved in the California Academy of Sciences is reported to weigh 31 pounds. It is rare for the species to exceed 23 pounds in weight. Heaviest Parrot Flightless Kakapo around 7lbs in weight; New Zealand [contributed by Harold Armitage, Wild Macaws Wild Macaws] SinbadA flightless nocturnal bird, which was described by early European settlers as " the most wonderful bird on Earth, " the Kakapo parrot was once endemic throughout New Zealand. Today only 50 birds remain, some of which live on Little Barrier Island (Hauturu) as part of a Department of Conservation endangered species recovery programme. The name "Kakapo" is Polynesian (Maori) for "parrot of the night." Moss green, like Kakapo "Suzanne's" foster brood, Codfish Island, 2002. Photo by Don Merton/DOC.the foliage of the native trees and grasses in which it evolved, funny and cuddly, with a wonderful spicy fragrance, this unique bird has small wings, useless for flight but handy to steer with when you're jumping down a bank, and a rudimentary keel in its sternum. It browses forest trees, ferns, herbs, moss and lichen and grinds its food between a powerful lower mandible and a grooved pad in the upper mandible, a method of mastication which is thought to be unique. Longest Feathers The phoenix fowl or Yokohama chicken (a strain of the red junglefowl Gallus is bred in Japan for ornamental purposes. A rooster with a 34 ft. 9.5 in. Tail covert was reported in 1972. Longest Bills The bill of the Australian pelican (Pelicanus conspicillatus) is 13-18.5 inches long. The longest beak in relation to body length is that of the sword- billed hummingbird ( Ensifera ) of the Andes. At 4 inches, the beak is longer than the bird’s body (excluding the tail). Only Nostrils on tip of Beak The Kiwi is the only bird with nostrils at the tip of its beak. Whereas other birds hunt by sight or by hearing, the national bird of New Zealand uses its beaky nostrils to sniff out food at night. Although the Kiwi is roughly the same size as a chicken, it lays an egg which is 10 times larger than a hen's. It also has wings but cannot fly. Biggest Eyes The ostrich has the largest eyes of any land animal. Each eye can be up to 2 inches in diameter. Largest Field of Vision The eyes of the woodcock are set so far back in its head that it has a 360 degree field of vision, enabling it see all round and even over the top of its head Best Talker The African Grey Parrot has been called "the perfect mix of brains and beauty" (Bird Talk, Aug. 92) and the "cadillac of parrots" (Bird Talk Sept. 93). Much of the notoriety of this species stems from the phenomenal gift of speech members exhibit. While many parrots learn some words or phrases, many cases have been documented of African Greys learning multiple lines of songs, prayers, or plays. The Guinness Book of World Records lists the best talking parrot or parrot like bird as a African Grey named Prudle. Prudle was captured near Jinja, Uganda in 1958 and when "he" retired from public life in 1977 had a vocabulary of nearly 1000 words. Many owners have been surprised (and sometimes shocked) when their Grey learned a new word or phrase after hearing it only a few times. One of our favorite stories in this respect was one related by a priest that had a pet Grey. While hanging some pictures in his office, the priest hit his hand with a hammer. He let out a stream of obscenities that his Grey learned (from this one occurrence according to the priest). The priest's embarrassment was compounded by the other aspect of greys gift for mimicking, that is they often sound exactly like the person that spoke the words or phrase. [contributed by Harold Armitage, Wild Macaws Wild Macaws] Most Airborne Bird The sooty tern (Sterna fuscata) leaves its nesting grounds as a youngster and remains aloft for 3-10 years, settling on water from time to time. It returns to land to breed as an adult. Longest Flight A common tern (Sterna hirundo) that was banded in June 1996 in Finland was recaptured alive 16,250 miles away at Rotamah Island, Victoria, Australia in January 1997. It had traveled at a rate of 125 miles a day. Slowest-Flying Birds The American woodcock (Scolopax minor) and the Eurasian woodcock (S. Rusticola) have both been timed lying at 5 mph with out stalling during courtship displays. Slowest Wing beat The slowest wing beats recorded during true level flight averaged one per second. They were by several species of the New World vulture ( family Cathartidea) Largest Wingspan The wandering albatross (Diomedea exulans) has the largest wingspan of any living bird. As a result, it is an expert glider and it is capable of remaining in the air without beating its wings for several hours at a time. The largest known specimen was an extremely old male with and 11 ft. 11 in. wingspan. It was caught in the Tasman Sea in September 1965. It has also been known to sleep while it flies! Largest Ever Wingspan The South American teratoron ( Argentavis magnificens), which existed 6-8 million years ago, had an estimated wingspan of 25 feet. Parrot with largest Wingspan Hyacinth Macaw, around 1100 mm - Brazil [contributed by Harold Armitage, Wild Macaws Wild Macaws] The Hyacinth macaw is the most majestic of all parrots. Although the Hyacinth Macaw and Green Wing Macaw are both commonly referred to as the "gentle giant" of the macaw species. The Hyacinths are truly the "dream bird" of all bird lovers. The Hyacinth macaw can attain the total length of up to 42 inches and have a beak pressure that can easily disassemble a welded wrought iron cage bar by bar in a very short time. In spite of their tremendous strength, this is one of the most laid back and easy-going of all of the macaws. Fastest Flying Bird The peregrine falcon (Falco peregrinus) is the fastest living creature, reaching speeds of at least 124 mph and possibly as much as 168 mph when swooping from great heights during territorial displays or while catching pry birds in midair. Fastest Wing beat The horned sungem (Heliactin cornuta), a hummingbird from South America, beats its wings up and down 90 times a second. Flying Backwards While hummingbirds are probably the champions of backwards flight they are by no means the only birds that can fly in this way. When two herons or egrets fight, periodically one of them caught at a disadvantage in the dispute will flutter backward. Occasionally warblers fluttering at the tip of a branch as they pick off insects will flutter backward when they overshoot some flying insect. It is probable that any bird which uses fluttering flight can move backward when pressed to do so. Fastest Land Bird Despite its bulk, the ostrich can run at speeds of up to 45 mph if necessary. Highest-Flying Birds A Ruppell’s vulture (gyps rueppellii) collided with a commercial aircraft over Abidjan, Ivory Coast, at an altitude of 37,000 feet in November 1973. The impact damaged one of the aircraft’s engines, but the plane landed safely. The species is rarely seen above 20,000 feet. In 1967, about 30 whooper swans (Cygnus were spotted at an altitude of just over 27,000 feet by an airline pilot over the Western Isles, UK. They were flying from Iceland to Loch Foyle on the Northern Ireland/republic Ireland border. Their altitude was confirmed by air traffic control. Longest Stride The stride of an ostrich may exceed 23 feet in length when the bird is sprinting. Highest G-Force Borne The beak of the red-headed woodpecker (Melanerpes erythrocephalus) hits the bark of a tree with an impact of velocity of 13 mph, subjection the bird’s brain to a deceleration of approximately 10 g when its head snaps back. Other woodpeckers may experience and even higher g-force. Most Food Consumed Hummingbirds (family Trochilidon) requires at least half their own body weight in food (mainly nectar and tiny insects) every single day. With the possible exception of shrews, they have the highest metabolic rate of any known animal. Strangest Diet An ostrich living at the London Zoo, England was found to have swallowed an alarm clock, a roll of film, a handkerchief, a 3-foot long piece of rope, a cycle valve , a pencil, three gloves, a collar stud, a Belgian franc, four halfpennies and two farthings. Longest Fast The male emperor penguin (Aptenodytes forsteri) spends several months without feeding on the frozen wastes of the Antarctic sea ice. It travels overland from the sea to the breeding colony, courts the female, incubates the egg for 62-67 days, waits for the female to return and travels back to the open sea, going without food for up to 134 days. Largest Prey The wild animal known to have been killed and carried away by a bird was a 15 pound male red howler monkey killed by a harpy eagle (Harpia harpyja) in Manu National Park, Peru in 1990. The harpy eagle is considered the world’s most powerful bird of prey, although it weighs only 20 pounds. An incredible video of a Golden Eagle taking a small Mountain sheep or goat and carrying it off to it's nest. www.youtube.com/watch?v=4irYqe5yjcE The largest documented prey taken by a Philippine eagle is a 14 kg (30.8 lbs) Philippine deer Cervus at a nest studied by Kennedy in 1985. also on records; a mature female monkey taken and carrying it in one foot in Cagayan; and a large python. The African crowned eagle is Africa's most powerful and ferocious eagle in terms of the weight and nature of prey taken. Mammalian prey, especially duikers, may weigh up to 34 kg (75 lbs) and still be preyed on by these eagles. Sharpest Vision The peregrine falcon (Falco peregrinus) is believed to be able to spot a pigeon from a distance of more than 5 miles under ideal conditions. Biggest Nest The incubation mounds built by the mallee fowl (Leipoa ocellata) of Australia are up to 15 feet tall and 35 feet wide. A nest site is estimated to weigh 330 tons. A 9 ft. 6 in. Wide 20 foot deep nest was built by a pair of bald eagles ( Haliaeetus leucocephalus), and possibly by their successors, close to St Petersburg, Florida. When examined in 1963, the nest was estimated to weigh in excess of 2.2 tons. Smallest Nests The vervian hummingbird ( Mellisuga minima) builds a nest about half the size of a walnut shell. The deeper but narrower nest of the bee hummingbird (M. Helenae) is thimble sized. Smallest Egg The smallest known bird’s egg were tow vervain hummingbird (Mellisuga minima) eggs less than 39/100 inch long. They weighed 0.365 g. (0.0128 oz.) And 0.375 g (0.0132 oz.) Biggest Eggs (contribution by Christoph Kulmann) The extinct giant elephant bird (Aephornis maximus) - picture below under heaviest birds - laid 1 foot long eggs with a lElephant Bird egg compared to chicken eggliquid capacity of 2.25 gallons- the equivalent of seven ostrich eggs and more than 12,000 humming bird eggs. When early Arabian and Indian explorers started returning from their journeys along the coast of Africa with stories of gigantic birds many times the size of a man, they brought evidence...huge eggs, up to three feet in circumference. They were the eggs of a bird that would later come to be known as the Elephant Bird, or Vouron Patra (Aepyornis maximus). The eggs that the Elephant Bird laid were larger than the largest dinosaur eggs, and, in fact, they were as large as a structurally functional egg could possibly be...the largest single cells to have ever existed on Earth. The ostrich egg is 6-8 inches long. 4-6 inches in diameter and weighs 2 lb. 3 oz. - 3 lb.14 oz.. It is equal in volume to 24 chicken eggs. The shell is 3/50 inch thick but can support eh weight of an adult human. The largest on record was laid in 1988 by a two year old northern/southern hybrid (Struthio c. camelus x s. c. australis) at the Kibbutz Ha’on collective farm, Israel. Ti weighted 5 lb. 2 oz. Heaviest Bird Ever Alive - 2 candidates (contribution by Christoph Kulmann) Elephant BirdThe Elephant Bird (shown above under biggest eggs) is thought to have been the inspiration for the Roc (or Ruhk) made famous in the stories of Sinbad and the accounts of Marco Polo. While Aepyornis was by no means as large and terrible as the elephant-eating Roc, it WAS one of the largest birds that ever lived. The flightless bird grew to around ten or eleven feet tall, and is estimated to have weighed up to 1100 pounds. By comparison, a BIG Ostrich will go eight feet and 300 pounds. The home of the Elephant Bird was the island of Madagascar, off the eastern coast of Africa. The island was first populated by African and Indonesian peoples that are thought to have arrived around the time of Christ, about 2000 years ago. They were, in turn, visited by Muslim traders from East Africa and the Comoro Islands in the ninth century. The first Europeans to visit the island were the Portuguese in 1500, but Europeans didn't really establish a foothold on the island until the French settled there beginning in 1642. The Elephant Bird was probably still around at that time but it had already become very rare. One of the only contemporary European accounts of the bird was written by the first French Governor of Madagascar, Étienne de Flacourt, who wrote, in 1658, "vouropatra - a large bird which haunts the Ampatres and lays eggs like the ostriches; so that the people of these places may not take it, it seeks the most lonely places." The natives' histories of the Elephant Bird, however, rarely describe it as an aggressive bird, and more often portray it as a shy, peaceful giant. Most likely the Vouron Patra was driven to extinction by people raiding their nests. The eggs and egg shells were both very important items to the tribal Malagasy, who used them for food and all kinds of stuff. The fossil record shows that maximus was not the only species of Aepyornis that ever lived. It is thought that between three and seven different types of Elephant Bird have lived since the Pleistocene although only one, the smaller Aepyornis mullerornis is thought to have survived into historic times along with the Elephant Bird. Only the giant is known to have co-existed with humans, and by 1700, it too was gone. Only the largest of the New Zealand Moas were taller, some reaching thirteen feet, but they weren't as massively built. Moa were large flightless birds that went extinct in the late 1700's or early 1800's. These huge, bulky birds lived in lowland forests on the islands of New Zealand. The word moa comes from the Maori language, in which the plural of moa is moa (we are using that convention). The oldest-known moa fossils date from 2.4 million years ago. The last of the moa (the smaller species) lived on the South Island of New Zealand until the 1700's. On its native New Zealand, there were no large mammals to prey on the moa or its eggs; its only predators large birds, like the Haast eagle (which is now extinct). When the Maori people moved to New Zealand over 1,000 years ago, they destroyed much of the moa's lowland forest habitat and introduced mammals, including dogs and rats. These mammals ate the moa's eggs. The Maori people also hunted and ate the moa. These forces probably contributed to the extinction of the moa. The moa had a large body, a small head, a long neck, short, thick legs, and a large beak. There were 11 species of moa. The largest was almost 11.5 feet (3.5 m) tall and weighed perhaps 700 pounds (320 kg); the smallest of the moa were turkey-sized. The moa's nest was located on the ground (leaving the eggs vulnerable to predators). The moa was an herbivore (plant-eater); it ate fruit and some plant material (like leaves). These birds swallowed stones (which went into gizzard) that helped digest the food. Classification: Kingdom Animalia (animals), phylum Chordata, subphylum Vertebrata (vertebrates), class Aves (birds), order Dinornithiformes, family Anomalopterygidae (the lesser moa) and family Dinornithidae (the greater moa). There were 11 (or possibly 13) different species of moa, including Dinornis, the biggest moa and the biggest bird that ever lived. In ancient Australia, until 50,000 years ago, there was a group of birds called the Dromornithids. By far the largest of them was "Dromornis stirtoni", a massive creature that stood 3 meters tall and must have weighed more than half a ton. They disappeared rather abruptly, and there is still much debate about the reasons. But the Australians seem to have kept a memory of these giant birds. In some legends, there is a creature called "mihirung", and most likely this means a dromornithid bird. Smelliest Bird The south American hoatzin (Opisthocomus hoazin) has an odor similar to cow manure. Colombians call it pava hedionda ("stinking pheasant"). The cause of the smell is believed to be a combination of its diet of green leaves and its specialized digestive system, which involves a kind of foregut fermentation. Large Flocks Flamingoes, with their long necks and legs, have a height range of 3-5 feet and are the biggest bird to form large flocks. Of the four species, the lesser flamingo (Phoeniconaias minor) of eastern and southern Africa has been seen in flocks of several million birds, particularly in the Great Lakes of eastern Africa. Biggest Bird The largest and strongest living bird is the North African ostrich (Struthio camelus . Males can be up to 9 feet tall and weigh 345 pounds, and when fully grown the have one of the most advanced immune systems of any animal. South Africa was the first country to see the commercial potential of ostrich products - the creature are prized not only for their large soft white feathers and their meat but also for their skins, which are made into the strongest commercially available leather in the world. Ostrich farming is believed to have begun in the Karoo and Eastern Cape c. 1863. By 1910 there were more than 20,000 domesticated ostriches in the country, and by 1913 ostrich feathers were the fourth most important south African export product. Demand began to dry up soon afterwards, but there was an ostrich revival in the 1920's when farmers started to produce biltong ( dry strips of ostrich meat) commercially. Biggest Seabird (contribution by Jacob Casson) The Northern Royal Albatross (Diomedea epomophora sanfordi) with a wing span 3 metres, flight speed up to 115 km/h. 80% of life spent at sea. White body, black on backs of wings. Feeds on surface shoaling fish and squid. Male and female equal share in rearing chick, raising one chick every two years. Mature at six years, live about 45 years. Mate in October, one egg laid in November, incubation 79 days. Chick guarded for first six weeks, young depart late September. Biggest Cockatoo Sub-species Proboscigar Aterimus Goliath. The weight of the female Palm Cockatoo is between 500-950 grams, and the males weigh between 540-1100 grams. Both females and males height range from 49-68 centimeters. The wings are about 35.1 centimeters, the tail about 23.8 centimeters, the bill about 9.1 centimeters, and the tarsus about 3.5 centimeters. These Palm Cockatoos are very large birds. They are the largest of all parrots. The scientific name is derived from both Greek and Latin. Proboscis is Greek for nose, gero is Greek for carry, and atterimus is Latin for black. Most Palm Cockatoos are dark gray and black with a cheek-patch of bare red skin . The cheek skin color may change according to their level of stress, it may change pink or beige if it is stressed, or if it is excited it will turn yellow. Palm Cockatoos have a very strong mandible, which they use for cracking nuts. Most Abundant Bird The red- billed quelea (Quelea quelea) of Africa has an estimated adult breeding population of 1.5 billion. The slaughter of at least 200 million of them each year has no impact on this number. Rarest Bird With 168 birds on the list of the world's most critically endangered creatures--and many of them from remote, inhospitable places--researchers cannot say for sure which species is the rarest. But that dubious distinction may belong to the po'ouli (pronounced "poh-oh-U-lee"). This Hawaiian honeycreeper, whose name means "black-faced," survives only in a few hundred acres of nearly impenetrable rain forest on the windward side of Maui's Haleakala Crater. At last count, the known po'ouli population was six. And with time running out, experts are scrambling to find a way to save the species from extinction. Rarest Parrot Spix's Macaw. Endemic to one small area of northeastern Brazil, in a habitat known as the "caatinga" (an arid region of flat savanna scrubland interspersed with seasonal creeks and gallery forests), the Spix's Macaw was considered to be extinct in the wild 10 years ago. Despite concerted efforts of the Brazilian government and an international committee whose members include the aviculturists that hold this endangered species, government officials, conservationists and ornithologists the last one died in 2001. The conservation of this species is now dependent on the success of the captive-breeding and field program. The global captive population has grown significantly from a low of 11 known birds to 60 (54 of which are captive-hatched); new holders are participating in the program, the field research program has collected valuable data on the natural history of this species and the ecology of the region, a strong community outreach program is in place, habitat protection and restoration projects are ongoing, and basic research on psittacine reintroduction techniques has been successfully completed. [contributed by Harold Armitage, Wild Macaws Wild Macaws] Bossiest Bird The kea ( Nestor notabilis) from New Zealand is the only bird known to have a society in which the higher status individuals force others to work for them. Most Unusual Birds The home of the Great Indian Hornbill is a prison. When the female is ready to lay her eggs, she hides in a hole in a tree. The male then seals up the hole, leaving her just a narrow slit through which he passes her food. The female stays in there until the chicks are a few months old, when she breaks out and helps the male with feeding duties. The Secretary Bird may have long legs but it can't run. Instead it hops along the African scrublandin search of its staple diet of snakes and lizards. The bird gets its name from the 20 black crest feathers behind its ears which are reminiscent of the old quill pens once favored by secretaries. The Quetzal from central America has such a long tail (up to 3 feet) that it can't take off from a branch in the normal way without ripping its tail to shreds. So instead it launches itself backwards into space like a parachutist leaving an aircraft. The Quetzal nests in hollow trees but has to reverse into the hole. Once inside, it curls up its tail over its head and out of the hole. The Male Bower-Bird from Australia attracts a female by building an elaborate love bower. After building a little hut out of twigs, he decorates it with flowers and colorful objects such as feathers, fruit, shells, and pebbles or sometimes glass and paper if the nest is near civilization. One particular species (the Atlas Bower-Bird) actually paints the walls by dipping bark or leaves into the blue or dark-green saliva he secretes. The entire bower-building procedure can take months and the bird will often change the decorations until he is happy with them. When finally satisfied, he performs a love dance outside the bower, sometimes offering the female a pretty item from his collection. The Young Hoatzin of the Amazon forests has claws on its wings to help it clamber through the dense undergrowth. The bird is a throwback to the prehistoric archeopteryx, which also had three claws on each wing. The Little Tailorbird uses its sharp beak to pierce holes along the edges of two leaves. It then constructs a nest by neatly stitching the leaves together with pieces of grass. What advantage do many birds gain by flying in V-formation? As a bird flap its wings it disturbs the air and leaves whirling eddies behind. Some gregarious species take advantage of the upward sections of these whirls and each bird in the V-formation stations itself at the correct place so the inner wing obtains support from the wake of the bird immediately ahead. Thus every bird in the flock except the leader saves energy by using the V-formation type of flight.	i don't know
Douglas, Fraser and Noble are all which type of tree?	Types of Christmas Trees at our farm \| McFee's Christmas Tree Farm McFee's Christmas Tree Farm Our Trees Grand Fir Grand Fir Christmas trees have a vibrant emerald green needle with a silvery underside. The silver underside of Grand Fir needles have two lines of stomatal bloom which reflect light creating a sparkling display. The glossy Grand Fir needles fan out in a single plane on either side of the branch giving the tree an elegant appearance. While similar in appearance to Balsam Fir from the Eastern United States, which historically did not perform well, Western Grand Fir seed sources come from northern Idaho. These seed sources have dramatically improved needle retention and in home performance during the Christmas season. Noble Fir The Noble Fir grows slowly into a Christmas tree with great spacing between it’s strong branches which is the perfect combination for those with many heavy or large ornaments. Their needles are deep green and a little prickly to the touch. Nobles are also known for their excellent needle retention making it a great choice for those who enjoy their Christmas tree all December long. Douglas Fir The Douglas Fir is your classic, traditional Christmas tree that has been the favourite since the 1920′s. It has soft, dark green needles and branches that are closely bunched which release a mellow fragrance. Ensure your Douglas Fir has a constant supply of water for good needle retention. Fraser Fir The Fraser Fir is quite similar to the Noble fir with great spacing and strong branches for ornaments. Frasers have excellent needle retention as well. The most noticeable difference between the Noble and the Fraser fir is how the Fraser’s strong branches are turned upward. Their needles are silvery-green and soft making it a delight to decorate.	Fir
A Rockhopper is what type of bird?	Keeping Your Christmas Tree Healthy for the Long Haul Keeping Your Christmas Tree Healthy for the Long Haul December 3, 2014 by Ahmed Hassan Leave a Comment The folks over at the Today Show asked me to stop by and do a segment on Christmas trees with them. So earlier yesterday, I joined Al Roker and Natalie Morales on the outside studio plaza to educate the masses on different types of Christmas trees and the best way to keep them looking healthy throughout the holiday season. Three types of Christmas trees used for my segment on the Today Show (pictured in photo background). Douglas, Fraser, and Noble Fir (l to r). To begin with, let me just say that there are many types of trees that are used for Christmas trees depending on where you might live. Today we only focused on what I’ll call the big three during our 4 minute Today Show segment. These are the Douglas Fir, Fraser Fir, and Noble Fir evergreen varieties. Douglas Fir There are a few differences worth mentioning between each type of tree. For starters, the Douglas Fir is the most popular because quite frankly, it’s the cheapest. I mentioned on the segment that back here in Sacramento, we commonly use this type of tree for construction lumber because it is so plentiful and grows relatively fast. As such, it makes for a cheap Christmas tree during the Holidays as well. That’s why many families choose this common evergreen. It’s a great way to get a live tree without breaking the bank. Fraser Fir Second, the Fraser Fir has been rated as America’s favorite Christmas tree year after year. Part of this reason lies in the fact that the leaves are somewhat two-tone with their blue green color, and they also give off a fantastic scent! Also, their limbs are much sturdier than the Douglas Fir, making them the perfect appendages for holding all of those ornaments, garland, and lights. Noble Fir Finally, we have the Noble Fir. This is one of those grand statement piece trees. Nice full branches that are evenly spread out, an aroma that makes you feel like you’re in the forest, and available in any type of size you need, these are majestic trees for sure. In fact, the one pictured below is the tree that they will be lighting in Rockefeller Center tonight. While it looks a lot like a large Noble Fir, it’s actually a Norway Spruce. This majestic Norway Spruce will serve as the Christmas Tree for Rockefeller Center this year Maintaining Your Tree Regardless of which variety of tree you choose, there is one thing you need to do in order to get the most out of your cut specimen during the holiday season. When you take your tree home, make a fresh cut towards the bottom of the trunk just before you place it into your already, water filled, tree stand. Be sure to not put too much, since it’ll over flow. You can always top off the tree stand with water once you’ve got the tree straightened out to your liking. Keeping the fresh cut moist so it takes up water will ensure that the sap does not run to the bottom of the tree trunk and seal it off. This can happen really quick, that’s why I suggest you cut the tree just before you place it in your tree stand rather than at the tree lot. Many Christmas tree farms will offer to cut trees on site, however, don’t do it. Just kindly thank them and make this final cut when you get home; that will be sufficient. Your tree will continue to take up water, just like cut flowers do. Ideally it should last for the entire month of December or at least until until the last Ho, ho, ho is heard and many memories are made; since that’s what it’s all really about right? 😉 Christmas trees are about tradition. For the last 5 years or so, we at the Hassan household have used a wonderful fake Christmas tree. It came with lights and it spun. I say that as past tense because it no longer spins and half of the lights no longer work. Oh, and it’s a hand me down. Tiffanie’s sister Angelique had it for a year or two prior. Have I mentioned that I’m frugal? I’m also a “Green Industry” pro and a believer in recycle/reuse. As such, I haven’t been willing to toss this tree into the landfill. My kids, however, were vocal this year and asked if we could get a real live (actually, cut down and dead they just don’t know it) Christmas tree next year. Something about my son Julian wanting to cut down his own tree and them all wanting the smell of Christmas, aka the smell of juniper or pine, in our house. I did, of course, invite them to go outside and cut some of the green juniper to bring in and decorate with. That’s when my daughter Faith rolled her eye’s and exclaimed, “Dad!” I just smiled like a dad who knows that in spite of what makes good, financial sense… I need to encourage the exploration of my lil one’s dreams. After all: Who am I to stand in the way of Julian being a lumberjack on my dime? Who am I to limit the essence of that beautiful fresh cut pine smell throughout my home each year? Who am I to think about sustainability and being frugal over the dreams and aspirations of these young Hassan’s? Come January 1st I’ll take on the task of figuring out just how complicated it will be to recycle the metal framed tree that used to spin and light up. I imagine I’ll need wire cutters and a whole lotta patience. I will likely get lil to no help from momma and the kids, but then again… that’s why they call me Daddy. Follow Celebrity Landscaper Ahmed Hassan on Facebook and Twitter !	i don't know
Braeburn is a variety of which type of fruit?	Washington Apple Commission Honeycrisp Crisp and Distinctly Sweet The Honeycrisp apple’s name says it all! Pleasantly crisp, sweet and juicy, this popular apple features a beautiful bright red skin mottled with pale green. Its complex flavor is subtly tart, and is a versatile ingredient for recipes ranging from sweet to savory. As a snack, Honeycrisp apples burst with juice with every bite, and they are also a delicious addition to salads, pies, sauces, and baked goods. Uses: snacking, salads, baking, beverages, pies, sauce History:	Apple
‘Cuneiform’ relates to which shape?	A Visual Guide to Apples \| Epicurious.com \| Epicurious.com A Visual Guide to Apples A guide to help you keep track of which ones are tart, sweet, thin-skinned, and pie-friendly Text by Esther Sung; photos by Chris Astley share print W hile there are thousands of different apples in the world, we've rounded up 11 that represent the diversity found in today's marketplace. Some, like Red and Golden Delicious, are tried-and-true favorites in the United States; others such as Cameo and Fuji are relative newcomers to the apple scene. The fruit has been evolving for centuries: "Modern" apples have been cultivated for qualities such as shape, taste, and high production yield, but also for their resistance to pests and disease. In 1892, there were about 735 different varieties; now fewer than 50 are mass-grown. Because of renewed interest in older—and sometimes regional—varieties, "heirlooms" such as Northern Spy, Gravenstein, Canadian Strawberry, and Newtown Pippin can be found at farmers' markets or local orchards. To grow your own apples, visit the local garden nursery or purchase the trees from online purveyors such as Trees of Antiquity , Fedco Trees , and Century Farm Orchards . For recipes using Jonagold apples, click here › Cameo Characteristics: Although this apple was discovered in Washington State in 1987, it's quickly grown in popularity. Juicy, crisp, and sweet with just a touch of tart, the Cameo is thought to come from both the Red and the Yellow Delicious. That explains its shape as well as the somewhat striated look of its red-and-yellow skin, which is thicker than the Golden Delicious but thinner than the Red. Try substituting Cameos for Goldens in baking and cooking recipes. This variety is especially delicious when eaten raw. Empire Characteristics: A cross between McIntosh and Red Delicious, the Empire was developed by researchers at the New York State Agricultural Experiment Station in 1966. It is generally quite round, with a skin that's bright red with hints of green. The interior is crisp and creamy white. The Empire is firmer than the McIntosh, so it makes for a good cooking apple. For recipes using Empire apples, click here › McIntosh Characteristics: This apple is the least firm of all the ones rounded up in this illustrated guide. The soft flesh can be described as "creamy" or "mealy," which makes this variety a good candidate for eating raw or for apple sauce or apple butter , but not necessarily for baking. If you bake with McIntoshes, use a thickener to keep the apples from becoming too mushy. For recipes using McIntosh apples, click here › Golden Delicious Characteristics: This all-purpose apple may share part of its name with the Red Delicious, but the two are not related. Golden Delicious apples are a bright, cheery-looking yellow with a relatively soft texture, although not as soft to the touch as a McIntosh or a Cortland. Thin-skinned, the Golden Delicious doesn't store well (it can bruise and shrivel), so try to use it as soon as possible. This apple is ideal for pies, salads, sauces, and freezing. For recipes using Golden Delicious apples, click here › Fuji Characteristics: Created by Japanese growers in the 1930s, the Fuji apple's popularity grew in the U.S. during the 1980s and it has quickly become one of the most popular in the country. It's a large crisp apple—a relative of the Red Delicious—with an intense sweetness that makes this an ideal candidate for eating raw. Try adding Fujis to salads and slaws that require very little to no cooking to keep their consistency. For recipes using Fuji apples, click here › Cortland Characteristics: It's understandable if you confuse this apple with the McIntosh. Both are on the squat side, with creamy white interiors and sweet-and-tart flavors. The Cortland is a relatively soft apple, although not quite as soft as the McIntosh. And unlike the McIntosh, the Cortland functions as an all-purpose apple, which means you can bake it, cook it, or eat it raw. For recipes using Cortland apples, click here › Red Delicious Characteristics: This is the most popular apple variety in the U.S. It's top heavy and has a creamy white interior. While juicy, the Red Delicious is a soft apple and won't cook well, so it's best to eat them raw. They're also ideal snacks for the lunchbox. For recipes using Red Delicious apples, click here › Gala Characteristics: Taller than it is wide, the gala's shape is similar to that of the Golden and Red Delicious apples. It has a pleasantly mild, sweet taste, crisp texture, and a beautiful light-red sheen with bright-yellow undertones. Like Fujis, Galas are easy to eat uncooked thanks to their thin skin and overall sweetness, making them an ideal fruit for kids. They're also good for cooking. For recipes using Gala apples, click here › Granny Smith Characteristics: You can't miss this apple, originally from Australia, with its bright-green skin, hard feel, crisp bite, and extremely tart taste. When it's really ripe, the green skin usually has a touch of rosy red. While some savor the tartness, others prefer to cook it, which sweetens it up. It is an ideal complement to savory foods such as onions and salty foods like cheese. On an aesthetic note: The green skin provides a great visual element to any dish. For recipes using Granny Smith apples, click here › Braeburn Characteristics: Originating from New Zealand, this apple has a skin that's muted red with golden-yellow undertones and tinges of faint green. It produces a firm, crisp bite and offers a pleasing balance between sweet and tart. Firm to the touch, Braeburns are good for baking as well as eating just as they are.	i don't know
In humans, hirsutism is an overabundance of what?	Hirsutism \| University of Maryland Medical Center Loss of feminine body shape Signs of masculinity, deepening voice, male pattern baldness, enlarged clitoris, enlarged shoulder muscles If hirsutism is caused by Cushing syndrome, signs and symptoms can include: Obesity, especially around the middle section High blood pressure (hypertension) Thinning skin Causes About half of women with hirsutism have high levels of male sex hormones, called androgens. Those high levels can be caused by: Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which may also cause infertility Tumors on the adrenal glands or ovaries Cushing syndrome Medications that can cause hair growth, such as phenytoin (Dilantin), minoxidil (Rogaine), diazoxide (Proglycem), and cyclosporine Anabolic steroids Danazol (Danocrine), used to treat endometriosis Sometimes, women with hirsutism may have normal levels of male hormones. If there is no underlying condition, doctors may not be able to determine what causes hirsutism. Risk Factors The following factors may increase your risk of hirsutism: Genetics, some conditions that cause hirsutism may be inherited. Race and ethnicity, women of European, Middle Eastern, and South Asian ancestry are more likely to develop the condition Diagnosis Your doctor will examine you and take a medical history. You may be asked about your menstrual cycle, what medications you take, and your family history. Your doctor will check you for hair growth and also may do a pelvic examination to check for tumors or cysts on the ovaries. After doing the physical exam, your doctor may order one of the following tests: Blood tests, may show high androgen levels Imaging tests, including CT scan, MRI, pelvic ultrasound, used to find cysts or tumors on the ovaries or adrenal glands Preventive Care Preventing hirsutism depends on the cause. For women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), for example, losing weight through diet and exercise may help. Studies suggest that obese women with PCOS may be less likely to develop hirsutism if they eat a low-calorie diet. Treatment Treatment for hirsutism depends on whether there is an underlying cause, and how severe the hair growth is. For example, if medications are making it worse, you can ask your doctor if you can switch medications. A tumor on the ovaries or adrenal glands can be removed surgically. Overweight women with hirsutism may want to lose weight so their bodies will make less testosterone. If your doctor cannot find a cause, you can try a combination of self care and hair-removal techniques. Psychological support may also help because hirsutism is often a frustrating and embarrassing condition. Lifestyle Being overweight may contribute to hirsutism. Eating a balanced diet and getting enough exercise can help control weight. Medications The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved any medications to treat hirsutism. However, some drugs may lower androgen production and reduce hair growth. It can take 6 months or longer for the medications to produce noticeable changes in hair growth. They must be taken long term to keep symptoms under control. These medications include: Birth control pills. Some birth control pills can lower the amount of androgens your body makes. Spironolactone (Aldactone) blocks androgen from being used in the body Eflorinithine (Vaniqa) is a prescription cream for unwanted facial hair. It slows new hair growth but does not get rid of existing hair. Hair comes back if you stop using the cream. Surgery and Other Procedures If a tumor on the ovaries or adrenal glands is causing hirsutism, you may need surgery to remove it. Laser therapy can remove unwanted hair for some women. The laser destroys hair follicles and stops hair from growing. You will need several sessions to reduce hair growth in specific areas, and you may need touch-ups afterward. Laser therapy works best on women with dark hair and light skin. Nutrition and Dietary Supplements Ask your health care provider how to use complementary and alternative therapies (CAM) in your overall treatment plan. Always tell your provider about the herbs and supplements you are using or considering using. These nutritional tips may help women stay at a good weight, which may help lower androgens in the body: Eat antioxidant foods, including fruits (such as blueberries, cherries, and tomatoes) and vegetables (such as squash and bell peppers). Avoid refined foods, such as white breads, pastas, and especially sugar. Eat fewer red meats and more lean meats, cold-water fish, tofu (soy, if no allergy), or beans for protein. Use healthy oils in foods, such as olive oil or vegetable oil. Reduce or eliminate trans fat, found in commercially-baked goods, such as cookies, crackers, cakes, French fries, onion rings, donuts, processed foods, and some margarines. Avoid alcohol and tobacco. Drink 6 to 8 glasses of filtered water daily. Exercise at least 30 minutes daily, 5 days a week. Herbs Herbs may strengthen and tone the body's systems. As with any therapy, you should work with your health care provider before starting treatment. You may use herbs as dried extracts (capsules, powders, or teas), glycerites (glycerine extracts), or tinctures (alcohol extracts). Unless otherwise indicated, you should make teas with 1 tsp. herb per cup of hot water. Steep covered 5 to 10 minutes for leaf or flowers, and 10 to 20 minutes for roots. These herbs are sometimes suggested to treat hirsutism, but most have not been studied by scientists. Always talk to your doctor before taking any herb that can affect hormones. DO NOT take these supplements if you are pregnant or breast feeding, or planning to become pregnant. Women who have a history of breast, uterine, or ovarian cancer, or other hormone-related conditions, should not take these supplements except under their doctor's supervision. Saw palmetto (Serenoa repens) has anti-androgenic effects, meaning it lowers levels of male hormones in the body. It is sometimes suggested for treating PCOS, although there is no scientific evidence whether it works or not. Saw palmetto may increase the risk of bleeding. If you have a history of hormone-sensitive illness or take hormone medications, including birth control, ask your doctor before taking saw palmetto. If you take blood thinners such as warfarin (Coumadin), clopidogrel (Plavix), or aspirin, or hormone medications, ask your doctor before taking saw palmetto. Chaste tree (Vitex agnus castus) standardized extract also has anti-androgenic effects. If you have a history of hormone-sensitve illness or take hormone medications, including birth control, ask your doctor before taking chaste tree. Chaste tree can interfere with some antipsychotic drugs as well as some Parkinson medicines. Black cohosh (Actaea racemosa) is another herb with anti-androgenic effects. DO NOT take black cohosh if you have liver disease. If you have a history of hormone-sensitive illness or take hormone medications, including birth control, ask your doctor before taking black cohosh. Black cohosh may increase the risk of blood clots, so DO NOT take it if you have a clotting disorder. Spearmint tea (Mentha spicata), 1 cup, 2 times per day. A preliminary study found that women with hirsutism who drank spearmint tea had less free testosterone (a male hormone) in their blood. The researchers thought the tea might reduce symptoms of mild hirsutism. Another study found that spearmint tea lowered androgen levels in women who had PCOS. Lavender and tea tree oils may reduce mild hirsuitism without a known cause. One preliminary study found that applying lavender and tea tree oils locally on the skin could improve the condition. These oils are for topical use only. Acupuncture One small study of women with hirsutism found that acupuncture reduced both hair density and hair length. It also reduced levels of the male hormone testosterone. More research is needed. Other Considerations Pregnancy If you are pregnant, you should not take medications, herbs, or supplements that change hormone levels. Talk to your doctor if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or plan to become pregnant. Pregnant women may notice more hair growth during the third trimester, especially on the face, arms and legs, and breasts. This is normal and is not a sign of hirsutism. Prognosis and Complications Treating the underlying cause of hirsutism can improve your symptoms. Long-term medication may slow hair growth, but it usually will not get rid of existing hair on the face and body. Some cosmetic techniques, laser hair removal and waxing, can reduce unwanted hair. Women who are embarrassed by their condition might consider seeing a trained counselor. Supporting Research Akdogan M, Tamer MN, Cure E, et al. Effect of spearmint (Mentha spicata Labiatae) teas on androgen levels in women with hirsutism. Phytother Res. 2007 May;21(5):444-7. Atmaca M, Kumru S, Tezcan E. Fluoxetine versus Vitex agnus castus extract in the treatment of premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Human Psychopharmacol. 2003;18(3):191-5. Bode D, Seehusen DA, Baird D. Hirsutism in women. Am Fam Physician. 2012 Feb 15;85(4):373-80. Review. Domino FJ, ed. Griffith's 5 Minute Clinical Consult. Baltimore, MD: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, Inc.; 2007. Ekback MP, Lindberg M, Benzein E, Arestedt K. Health-related quality of life, depression and anxiety correlate with the degree of hirsutism. Dermatology. 2013;227(3):278-84. Fauci AS, Braunwald E, Hauser SL, et al, eds. Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine. 17th ed. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill; 2008. Franks S. The investigation and management of hirsutism. J Fam Plann Reprod Health Care. 2012 Jul;38(3):182-6. doi: 10.1136/jfprhc-2011-100175. Goldman L, Ausiello DA, et al, eds. Goldman's Cecil Medicine. 23rd ed. Philadelphia, PA: Elsevier Saunders; 2007. Grant P. Spearmint herbal tea has significant anti-androgen effects in polycystic ovarian syndrome. A randomized controlled trial. Phytother Res. 2010 Feb;24(2):186-8. Larsen PR, Kronenberg HM, et al. Williams Textbook of Endocrinology. 11th ed. Philadelphia, PA: Elsevier Saunders; 2008. Liepa GU, Sengupta A, Karsies D. Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and other androgen excess-related conditions: can changes in dietary intake make a difference? Nutr Clin Pract. 2008 Feb;23(1):63-71. Review. Middlekauff HR, Yu JL, Kui K. Acupuncture effects on reflex responses to mental stress in humans. Am J Physiol Regulat Integrat Comp Physiol. 2001;280:R1462-R1468. Oner G, Muderris II. Efficacy of omega-3 in the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome. J Obstet Gynaecol. 2013;33(3):289-91. Panidis D, Tziomalos K, Papadakis E, et al. The clinical significance and primary determinants of hirsuitism in patients with polycystic ovary syndrome. Eur J Endocrinol. 2013;168(6):871-7. Somani N, Turvy D. Hirsutism: an evidence-based treatment update. Am J Clin Dermatol. 2014;15(3):247-66. Tirabassi G, Giovannini L, Paggi F, et al. Possible efficacy of Lavender and Tea tree oils in the treatment of young women affected by mild idiopathic hirsuitism. J Endocrinol Invest. 2013;36(1):50-4. Wuttke W, Gorkow C, Seidlova-Wuttke D. Effects of black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosa) on bone turnover, vaginal mucosa, and various blood parameters in postmenopausal women: a double-blind, placebo-controlled, and conjugated estrogens-controlled study. Menopause. 2006;13(2):185-96. Wuttke W, Jarry H, Christoffel V, Spengler B, Seidlove-Wuttke D. Chaste tree (Vitex agnus-castus) -- pharmacology and clinical indications. Phytomedicine. 2003;10(4):348-57. Yoon JH, Baek SJ. Molecular targets of dietary polyphenols with anti-inflammatory properties. Yonsei Med J. 2005;46(5):585-96. Alternative Names	Hair
Porphyrophobia is the irrational fear of which colour?	Symptoms and causes - Hirsutism - Mayo Clinic Symptoms and causes Hirsutism Hirsutism is excess hair most often noticeable around a woman's mouth and chin. Hirsutism is stiff and dark body hair, appearing on the body where women don't commonly have hair — primarily the face, chest and back. What's considered excessive can vary depending on ethnicity and culture. When excessively high androgen levels cause hirsutism, other signs might develop over time, a process called virilization. Signs of virilization might include: Deepening voice Enlargement of the clitoris Causes At puberty, a girl's ovaries begin to produce a mix of female and male sex hormones, causing hair to grow in the armpits and pubic area. Hirsutism can occur if the mix becomes unbalanced with too high a proportion of male sex hormones (androgens). Hirsutism can be caused by: Polycystic ovary syndrome. This most common cause of hirsutism is caused by an imbalance of sex hormones that can result in irregular periods, obesity, infertility and sometimes multiple cysts on your ovaries. Cushing's syndrome. This occurs when your body is exposed to high levels of the hormone cortisol. It can develop from your adrenal glands making too much cortisol or from taking medications such as prednisone over a long period. Congenital adrenal hyperplasia. This inherited condition is characterized by abnormal production of steroid hormones, including cortisol and androgen, by your adrenal glands. Tumors. Rarely, an androgen-secreting tumor in the ovaries or adrenal glands can cause hirsutism. Medications. Some medications can cause hirsutism. These include danazol, which is used to treat women with endometriosis; systemic corticosteroids and fluoxetine (Prozac) for depression. Sometimes, hirsutism can occur with no identifiable cause. This happens more frequently in certain populations, such as in women of Mediterranean, Middle Eastern and South Asian ancestry. Risk factors Several factors can influence your likelihood of developing hirsutism, including: Family history. Several conditions that cause hirsutism, including congenital adrenal hyperplasia and polycystic ovary syndrome, run in families. Ancestry. Women of Mediterranean, Middle Eastern and South Asian ancestry are more likely to develop hirsutism with no identifiable cause than are other women. Obesity. Being obese causes increased androgen production, which can worsen hirsutism. Complications Hirsutism can be emotionally distressing. Some women feel self-conscious about having unwanted body hair. Some develop depression. Also, although hirsutism doesn't cause physical complications, the underlying cause of a hormonal imbalance can. If you have hirsutism and irregular periods, you might have polycystic ovary syndrome, which can inhibit fertility. Women who take certain medications to treat hirsutism should avoid pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects.	i don't know
What is the 17th letter of the Greek alphabet?	What is the 17th letter of the Greek alphabet? - Quora Quora The seventeenth letter of the Greek alphabet is rho. Upper-Case: [math] P [/math] Written Jun 28, 2016 I know about salmonella. That’s why I don’t eat my chicken raw. This question makes no sense. Knowing about salmonella just makes you handle and prepare the chicken correctly. It wouldn’t make any reasonable person stop eating it. Abhijeet Borkar , PhD in Physics (Astrophysics) This example of a levitation trick is very well done. I don't know if there are other ways to do this, but this picture below gives sort of an X-ray view into the most common way. The "levitating" person is actually sitting on a platform (1) that's attached to a steel (or some other strong metal) post (2), which is granted balance and stability by a large, metal base (3). It's a cool trick, and ... Bob Cooke , Special Agent in Charge (ret) CA Dept of Justice, Bureau of Narcotic Enforcement Just once and it still haunts me to this day. I was on duty and in the police station. I was very young in service and you were expected to do more than your fair share, a call came in from the front desk. I can't recall the exact circumstances but a female had attended and for whatever reason, her details were checked on the police national computer (PNC). It showed that she was a failed asylum...	Rho
Bezique is a card game for how many players?	Greek alphabet - definition of Greek alphabet by The Free Dictionary Greek alphabet - definition of Greek alphabet by The Free Dictionary http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Greek+alphabet Also found in: Thesaurus , Medical , Wikipedia . ThesaurusAntonymsRelated WordsSynonymsLegend: Greek alphabet - the alphabet used by ancient Greeks alphabet - a character set that includes letters and is used to write a language alpha - the 1st letter of the Greek alphabet beta - the 2nd letter of the Greek alphabet gamma - the 3rd letter of the Greek alphabet delta - the 4th letter of the Greek alphabet epsilon - the 5th letter of the Greek alphabet zeta - the 6th letter of the Greek alphabet eta - the 7th letter of the Greek alphabet theta - the 8th letter of the Greek alphabet iota - the 9th letter of the Greek alphabet kappa - the 10th letter of the Greek alphabet lambda - the 11th letter of the Greek alphabet mu - the 12th letter of the Greek alphabet nu - the 13th letter of the Greek alphabet xi - the 14th letter of the Greek alphabet omicron - the 15th letter of the Greek alphabet pi - the 16th letter of the Greek alphabet rho - the 17th letter of the Greek alphabet sigma - the 18th letter of the Greek alphabet tau - the 19th letter of the Greek alphabet upsilon - the 20th letter of the Greek alphabet phi - the 21st letter of the Greek alphabet khi , chi - the 22nd letter of the Greek alphabet psi - the 23rd letter of the Greek alphabet omega - the last (24th) letter of the Greek alphabet Translations	i don't know
Which singer was born Gloria Fowles in September 1948?	Gloria Gaynor - Biography - IMDb Gloria Gaynor Jump to: Overview (3) \| Mini Bio (1) \| Spouse (1) \| Trivia (8) Overview (3) First Lady of Disco Mini Bio (1) Gloria Gaynor was born on September 7, 1949 in Newark, New Jersey, USA as Gloria Fowles. She was previously married to Linwood Simon. Spouse (1) Trivia (8) Singer Her hit single, I Will Survive, has been not only been a disco-themed song frequently played in nightclubs; it has been played frequently for various causes (e.g. benefits for AIDS, or in Gay/Lesbian gatherings). Her 1979 #1 hit "I Will Survive" was awarded the first and only Grammy Award for Best Disco Recording in 1980 (the category was discontinued upon disco's fall into disrepair). Her 1979 disco hit, "I Will Survive", was named the #1 song on VH1's 100 Greatest Dance Songs, while "Never Can Say Goodbye" landed at #51. Song "I Never Knew" with remixes by Hex Hector reached #1 on the Billboard Dance Music/Club Play chart (2002) Song "Just Keep Thinking About You" with remixes by Jonathan Peters and Almighty reached #1 on the Billboard Dance Music/Club Play chart (2001) Gloria Gaynor Day was held in the City of Newark on November 7, 2008. Green Brook, New Jersey [December 2008] See also	Gloria Gaynor
Donatien Alphonse Francois were the first names of which French aristocrat, born in 1740?	Gloria Gaynor — Listen for free on Spotify Gloria Gaynor Play on Spotify Perhaps second only to Donna Summer , Gloria Gaynor has become one of the best-known female disco artists from the '70s due to the ongoing success of her monster 1979 hit (and subsequent "woman's anthem"), "I Will Survive." Born Gloria Fowles on September 7, 1949, in Newark, NJ, the singer (who began going by Gloria Gaynor by the early '70s), first sang as part of the obscure R&B outfit the Soul Satisfiers before being discovered by MGM Records head honcho Mike Curb (eventual leader of the Curb label and Lieutenant Governor of California), who decided to sign the singer to his label after several auditions. Gaynor began issuing albums on a regular basis beginning in 1975 and with her 1976 release Never Can Say Goodbye, the singer became one of the first-ever dance artists to issue an album aimed primarily for club use (there were no breaks between the songs, as one track would automatically segue into the next), a method used to this day by DJs and certain dance artists. Although Gaynor enjoyed a few moderate hits, it wasn't until the release of 1979's aforementioned disco gem "I Will Survive" that Gaynor racked up her first true smash hit. The song was awarded the first and only Grammy Award for Best Disco Recording in 1980 (the category was discontinued upon disco's fall from favor shortly afterward) and although Gaynor was unable to follow up "I Will Survive" with another sizeable hit, the track subsequently took on a life of its own. It remains popular in dance clubs and has appeared on countless movie soundtracks and dance/disco compilations. Gaynor continues to issue albums and play shows (especially in Europe) and during the late '90s issued an autobiography (also titled I Will Survive), as well as appearing for a two-week run on Broadway's hit musical Smokey Joe's Café. ~ Greg Prato, Rovi Read More Show less	i don't know
A Skipjack is which type of fish?	Tuna Species Guide Tuna Species Guide Please select the required species from this list: Katsuwonus pelamis Other Languages: Netherlands: Gestreept tonijn, Spain: Listado, Barrilete, Italy: Palometta, Denmark: Bugstribet bonit, Germany: Echter Bonito, Portugal: Palamida, France: Listao, Japan: Katsuo, Indonesia: Cakalang, Papua New Guinea: Tjakalang, China: Then chien, Philippines: Gulyasan, Characteristics: Skipjack Tuna can be distinguished by the presence of four to seven dark, longitudinal stripes on their bellies. Their dark blue backs are accentuated by a clearly defined area of green above the pectoral fin, which fades away towards the middle of the body. They have silvery flanks and bellies, and short fins. These subheadings do not cover the Atlantic or belted bonitos (Sarda sarda), which have oblique bands on their backs. Common Size: Size 110 cm, Weight 30 kg, Age 15 years Biggest Angled Fish: 20 kg - Mexico 1996 by Brian Evan Maturity: 1 year and around 2 kg Female: 42-50 cm 73% Western Pacific Ocean (63% WCPO, 8% SPO, 3% NPO) 7% Eastern Pacific Ocean Mostly purse seining, some pole & line (8%) Share of all Tuna Caught 2012: About 46% - 2,776,833 M/T Main Processing Nations: Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, Ecuador, Ghana, Colombia, Ivory Coast, Senegal, Samoa, Spain, Italy, Papua New Guinea, Seychelles, Vietnam Flags of Main Fleets: Taiwan, US, China, Japan, Indonesia, Spain Life Cycle: About 3 to 4 years Major Markets: Europe, United States, Arab World, Japan Popular Product Forms: Canned (90%), Pouched, Dried (Katsuobushi), Fillet (Tataki) Skipjack is the most popular tuna for consumption. It prefers to swim in the upper mixed layers of the ocean waters and is mostly found between 45o N and 40o S. It is highly migratory and can be found all over the world within tropical waters. Large schools sometimes mix with small yellowfin. Normally dolphins do not swim together with small skipjack, which almost makes it a guaranteed dolphin-safe species. Skipjacks also mature around 1 year of age, a characteristic which promotes rapid turnover in skipjack populations. Product characteristics: The meat of the skipjack is darker of color, sometimes even slightly pinkish. It has a relatively tender texture and has somewhat more of a fishy taste than other tuna species. The small size of the fish gives small loins and chunks, making it excellent for canned tuna chunks. Future Supply: In the Western and Central Pacific Ocean (WCPO), the biomass of skipjack tuna is very large and estimated to exceed that of the other three main tuna species combined. It is assumed that skipjack in the WCPO is a separate population (for stock assessment and management purposes) to the Eastern Pacific stock. Skipjack is clearly a species that is difficult to overfish because of its highly active reproductive behavior. Local overfishing has been noted, however it should not be harmful to the spawning stock as a whole. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Raw frozen loins + steaks Yellowfin is the second tuna species is terms of volume and popularity. They are found between 45oN and 40oS. They cover enormous distances around the globe and all stocks mingle. It is a big fish which can swim at very high speed. This may be one of the reasons why in some areas, dolphins and large full-grown yellowfin swim together. Through extensive measures and the creation of monitoring programs, the by-catch of dolphins has now become insignificant in relation to its natural mortality and was below 500 dolphins on a global basis. Product Characteristics: In cooked form the yellowfin meat tends to have a very light yellow/brown color. The structure of the meat is firm and the taste is mild. If the fish gets larger then 10-15 kgs the meat tends to become slightly darker and fairly dryer. The large size of the yellowfin makes it well fit for solid packaging in cans. Future Supply: The stock of Eastern Pacific Ocean has increased in spawning biomass in response to decreasing fishing mortality. There are no indications of the Western Central Pacific Ocean stock to be in an overfished state because the spawning biomass is above MSY level. The stock in the Indian Ocean is in a healthy state. The spawning biomass is uncertain in the Atlantic Ocean stock because of two assessment models that have different results; one increasing and one decreasing. The general concern with yellowfin is that due to increased catches of baby yellowfin on FAD’s, the stocks might suffer in the long term. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Product Characteristics: Due to its white colored meat albacore is also called "the chicken of the sea". As canned product it is quite popular in the States, where it is marketed as "White Tuna". The meat has a dry texture and the taste comes close to that of chicken meat. In Spain Atlantic Albacore is especially popular in jars with olive oil and sold as “Bonito Del Norte”. Future Supply: The stock of Albacore in the Northern Pacific isn’t overfished. There are also no indications that the stock in the Southern Pacific is overfished either. In the Northern Atlantic Ocean there is no clear evidence of a sustained increase in biomass or a stable one. In the Southern Atlantic Ocean there are indications of the Albacore being in an overfished state. The situation in the Mediterranean is unknown. There are indications in the Indian Ocean that if overfishing continues the stock size is expected to go below the limit. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Fresh Fillets (sashimi) Bigeye tuna swim at greater depths than Skipjack and Yellowfin, therefore having more fat to insulate them from cold water. This makes them especially attractive for the Japanese sashimi market. Product Characteristics: The meat turns light gray and somewhat darkish after cooking or grilling. Its color makes it less fit for canning. The color and taste of big fish is almost similar to that of beef. In S-America baby bigeye are sometimes used for canning; this is still marketed as light meat. Future Supply: There are no indications that the stock of the Eastern Pacific Ocean is expected to fall below limit in a few years. In the Western Central Pacific Ocean the stock has been subjected to overfishing for over one decade, but hasn’t become higher than the average recruitment levels in recent years. In the Indian Ocean it shows no indication of being in an overfished state. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Canned Bonito is a species associated with the tuna family, but cannot be marketed as Tuna in many countries. Bonito is quite popular as a fried fish with olive oil, especially in the Mediterranean region. Due to its small size and firm dark meat it is well fit for this purpose. The species is mostly fished in coastal water by small local vessels. The catches tend to be quite seasonal. Product characteristics: The bonito meat has a firm texture and a darkish color. However, small / young bonito can also have quite a light color close to that of skipjack. This is one of the reasons why it is sometimes used as a cheaper substitute of skipjack tuna, especially for canning purposes. The bonito has a moderate fat content. Future Supply: Due to the fact that bonito are caught by relatively small vessels and in several local regions, also as by-catch, it is quite hard to determine what the supply will be or is. Catching volumes in the Black Sea and Mediterranean have been decreasing during the last decade. The catches in the Gulf of Thailand, along the Birmese Coast, and South China Sea supply the canned tuna industry. The size of the fish tends to become smaller. The supply is irregular and quite limited. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) (Sashimi) Northern Bluefin tuna makes extensive migrations. It is the slowest growing tuna species, which can reach an age of 20 years or more, which explains its size. Bluefin is extremely popular in Japan for sashimi, due to its large size, color, texture and its high fat content. Its quality in combination with its rarity makes it the most expensive tuna species. Future Supply: The Northern Bluefin is certainly a tuna species under threat. Its slow growth, in combination with the over-exploitation of the stocks has caused authorities to implement catching quota in the Eastern Atlantic. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Fresh (Sashimi), super frozen Southern Bluefin are large, fast swimmers and a pelagic fish. It’s considered the ultimate delicatessen of the tuna family in Japan. For Bluefin sashimi (raw tuna fillets) the Japanese are willing to pay extremely high prices, due its size, color, high fat content, texture and taste. The high price is caused by the fact that this tuna species is very hard to get. Very few markets can compete with the prices that Japanese buyers are willing to pay. Future Supply: The Southern Bluefin tuna is the most overexploited tuna species. The stocks are heavily depleted. Japan, Australia and New Zealand have imposed restrictions on the catching of this tuna species. This situation has triggered actions by several environmental groups such as WWF and Greenpeace. Many initiatives around the world have been taken to ranch wild caught bluefin tuna into captivity, In Croatia, Spain, Morocco, Australia and Japan. This industry will continue to grow, but due to the slow growth of the big-eye and the high costs involved, it cannot fulfill the demand for bluefin in any way. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC) Fresh Tongol is mostly popular for canning purposes. It is a very seasonal fish caught mostly by small vessels in the waters along the Malay and Burmese coast. There are also local catches around the Indonesian archipelago. Product characteristics: The meat is quite tender and has an almost white color. It doesn't have a lot of taste. It is more appreciated as a canned product than the somewhat drier albacore meat. Future Supply: There is limited data available on the volume of the catch and the status of the current stocks. One reason is that Tongol is mainly caught by small local vessels, which makes monitoring difficult. The general feeling is that tongol catches are close to – at or already over their MSY. This is due to decreases in the sizes of landed fish. Availability tends to be very seasonal and mainly restricted to Indonesia and Thailand. There is a general lack of information and data with all major tuna Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMO’s) on Tongol tuna. Management: Taking into account that tuna is a highly migratory species, how are tuna stocks being managed? The Regional Fisheries Management Organizations (RFMOs) are the bodies responsible for the management of tuna populations; they monitor the activity within fishing countries in the region, setting catch limits in those areas. Tuna RFMOs are also responsible for regulating the fishing fleets and controlling the health of stocks. Currently, these are the active tuna RFMOs in the world: Commission for the Conservation of Southern Bluefin Tuna (CCSBT) Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission (IATTC) International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) Indian Ocean Tuna Commission (IOTC) Western and Central Pacific Fisheries Commission (WCPFC)	Tuna
Who is the Greek God of wine?	Skipjack Tuna \| Species \| WWF Skipjack Tuna Skipjack Tuna Skipjack are the smallest and most abundant of the major commercial tuna species. They have a streamlined body that is mostly without scales. Their backs are dark purple-blue and their lower sides and bellies are silver with four to six dark bands. Skipjack can live as long as 8-10 years. They are found mainly in the tropical areas of the Atlantic, Indian and Pacific Oceans, with the greatest abundance seen near the equator. Skipjack usually swim near the surface at night and can dive up to 850 feet during the day. Large schools of adult skipjack tuna often mix with juvenile yellowfin and bigeye tuna. Why they matter Skipjack are commercially important as the main species of canned tuna. Although tuna do provide food and livelihoods for people, they are more than just seafood. Tuna are a top predator in the marine food chain, maintaining a balance in the ocean environment. Threats Skipjack tuna are abundant throughout their range and populations appear healthy. However, bycatch is a serious issue. Since juvenile yellowfin and bigeye tuna often school with adult skipjack, they are caught by purse seine vessels that target skipjack. The skipjack tuna, while quite resilient, could easily slip into a vulnerable state due to overfishing if improperly managed. What WWF is doing Tuna are integral parts of the entire marine ecosystem and our goal is for populations to be healthy and well-managed. We partner with governments and regional fisheries management organizations to advocate for stricter plans to recover depleted tuna stocks, combat pirate fishing and reduce bycatch. WWF works with other organizations and the fishing industry to transform tuna fishing into a sustainable business, particularly through certification of tuna fisheries by the Marine Stewardship Council (MSC). WWF helps ensure that tuna are harvested responsibly and sustainably managed through work with the International Seafood Sustainability Foundation (ISSF). We encourage retailers to source from fisheries that are MSC-certified and work to raise consumer awareness about sustainably caught tuna.	i don't know
What is the title of the only film for which actor John Wayne won an Oscar?	John Wayne wins Best Actor Oscar - Apr 07, 1970 - HISTORY.com John Wayne wins Best Actor Oscar Share this: John Wayne wins Best Actor Oscar Author John Wayne wins Best Actor Oscar URL Publisher A+E Networks On this day in 1970, the legendary actor John Wayne wins his first–and only–acting Academy Award, for his star turn in the director Henry Hathaway’s Western True Grit. Wayne appeared in some 150 movies over the course of his long and storied career. He established his tough, rugged, uniquely American screen persona most vividly in the many acclaimed films he made for the directors John Ford and Howard Hawks from the late 1940s into the early 1960s. He earned his first Oscar nomination, in the Best Actor category, for Sands of Iwo Jima (1949). The Alamo (1960), which Wayne produced, directed and starred in, earned a Best Picture nomination. Wayne’s Oscar for True Grit at the 42nd annual Academy Awards in 1970 was generally considered to be a largely sentimental win, and a long-overdue reward for one of Hollywood’s most enduring performers. The Academy had failed to even nominate Wayne for any of his most celebrated performances, in films such as Stagecoach (1939), Red River (1948), The Quiet Man (1952), The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) and especially Ford’s The Searchers (1956), considered by many to be the greatest Western ever made. In True Grit, Wayne played a drunken, foul-tempered but endearing U.S. marshal named Rooster Cogburn, who becomes an unlikely hero when he helps a young girl avenge the murder of her father. He would reprise the role in the film’s sequel, Rooster Cogburn (1975), opposite Katharine Hepburn. Nominated for seven Oscars at the 42nd annual awards ceremony that night, John Schlesinger’s gritty urban drama Midnight Cowboy won in the Best Picture, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay categories. The film’s stars, Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman, were both nominated in the Best Actor category but lost out to Wayne. Richard Burton (as King Henry VIII in Anne of the Thousand Days) and Peter O’Toole (as the beloved schoolmaster Arthur Chipping in Goodbye, Mr. Chips) rounded out the category. It was the fourth of what would be eight career nominations (and no wins) for O’Toole. In 1964, Wayne battled lung cancer, undergoing surgery to remove his entire left lung. He went public with news of his illness in hopes of convincing people to remain vigilant about cancer. In his last movie, The Shootist (1976), Wayne portrayed an aging gunfighter dying of cancer. Three years later, the great actor himself succumbed to stomach cancer at the age of 72 on June 11, 1979. Related Videos	True Grit
Who designed the Luftwaffe’s Bf-109 fighter plane?	John Wayne Wins Best Actor: 1970 Oscars - YouTube John Wayne Wins Best Actor: 1970 Oscars Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Uploaded on Jul 1, 2009 John Wayne winning the Best Actor Oscar® for his performance in "True Grit" - 42nd Annual Academy Awards® in 1970. Presented by Barbra Streisand. Category	i don't know
Which metal is obtained from the ore cinnabar?	Cinnabar A mineral is a naturally occuring, homogeneous, solid with a crystalline atomic structure. Crystallinity implies that a mineral has a definite and limited range of composition, and that the composition is expressible as a chemical formula. Some definitions of minerals give them as inorganic materials, however both diamonds and graphite are considered minerals, and both are primarily comprised of carbon, which would make them organic. So this leads me, as an engineer, to believe that mineralogists do not have a good, precise definition of a mineral, but rather a loose definition. The definition above, is the most inclusive and would include all substances currently described as minerals. The key items that make something a mineral are occurring naturally, and the definite crystal structure, that is expressible as a chemical formula. Rocks that do not meet this criteria are referred to as amorphis - not having a definite structure or expressible as a chemical formula. Some elements that occur naturally and are minerals are arsenic, bismuth, platinum, gold, silver, copper, and sulphur. THE DEFINITION OF ORGANIC: Organic chemistry is the study of those substances containing carbon in combination with hydrogen (H), and a few other non metals, namely oxygen (O), nitrogen (N), sulfur (S) and the halogens (F2, Cl2, Br2, and I2). This specemin of Cinnabar Ore is from Nevada. The white crystals are probably Dolomite. Crystal forms of cinnabar are relatively rare. This is the more common ore of cinnabar, also from nevada. Cinnabar is a major ore for the production of Mercury. Historically, it has been mined as far back as early Roman times, for mercury. Cinnabar contains as much as 86% Mercury. Mercury is the only common metal that is liquid at room temperature. It occurs either as native metal or in cinnabar, corderoite, livingstonite, and other minerals. Mercury has uniform volumetric thermal expansion, good electrical conductivity, and easily forms amalgams with almost all common metals except iron. Most mercury is used for the manufacture of industrial chemicals and for electrical and electronic applications.* *Source - USGS Mercury Production Cinnabar, a Mercury Sulfide, is the principal mineral of mercury. These minerals occur in veins, wide dissemination of irregular, sporadic mineralization without any pattern. Mercury is easy to recover from Cinnabar. Ore is crushed to typically 1" to 2" in size then sent to a kiln. Simply heating the ore in a kiln to 1,100 Deg. F, all of the mercury will vaporize into the kiln (mercury vaporizes at 675 deg F). The kiln vapors then must be condensed, by cooling, to recover the mercury, which becomes liquid at temperatures below 675 deg F and freezes solid at 2.8 Deg. F. Some free mercury in the ore can be recovered on Deister wet gravity concentration tables, also. Typical minerals found with cinnabar include silica, calcite, pyrite, marcasite and bitumen. These minerals often comprise the waste material in a mercury mine.	Mercury
Who played Richard Hillman in the British tv soap ‘Coronation Street’?	Cinnabar CinnabarBy Mark Chevenka, editor ACRN Cinnabar separating genuine lacquer from plastic Mention "cinnabar" and different persons very often think of very different meanings. Although many loosely associate the word with Asian arts and antiques, few can offer a precise definition. In its original form, cinnabar is crystallized red mercuric sulphide (HgS), the main ore bearing mercury. Cinnabar has been used for thousands of years as a coloring agent because of its intense red-orange color. It is obtained naturally by grinding ore into a fine powder then mixing the powder into dyes, paints and other finishes such as lacquer. It can also be manufactured by treating a mixture of liquid mercury and sulfur with potassium hydroxide. Cinnabar is the primary pigment in colors commonly referred to as vermillion and Chinese red. Over the years, Western collectors gradually began referring to any reddish-orange colored lacquer as "cinnabar." Today you hear or read of items described as "cinnabar snuff bottles" or "cinnabar vases." Technically, those pieces are carved cinnabar-colored lacquer snuff bottles and vases. Cinnabar is the color; lacquer is the material from which the objects are carved. Lacquer–plain or carved–comes in many colors other than cinnabar including black, green, purple and others. Development of lacquer The use of lacquer was developed in China about 3000-2500 BC. Over the centuries the techniques of working with lacquer spread to other Asian countries including Japan and Korea. Organic lacquer is formed from a natural resin. The most common source is the sap of the so-called lacquer or lac tree (Toxicodendron vernicifluum), which grows in central and eastern Asia. Once removed from the tree, the sap hardens when exposed to air. Some of the first uses of lacquer were to make clay vessels watertight and as a preservative for wood. Eventually coloring agents–like cinnabar–were added and lacquer begin to be used for decorative effects including carving. Here are the basic steps in producing carved lacquer. First, a rough form of the final shape is prepared to receive the lacquer. Lacquer can be applied to wood, metal, porcelain, paper, fabric or a wire frame. The material forming the basic shape is smoothed, polished and often treated with special materials to help the lacquer stick. Next, thin layers of lacquer are applied over the basic form. Each layer must harden before applying the next. Eventually the layers are thick enough to carve. Depth of carving averages about one-eighth to one-quarter of an inch. Some carved lacquer has layers of more than one color (Fig. 3). Carved lacquer from classical periods in Japan and China, 500-1700 AD, can have as many as 200-300 separate layers. Workshop records from those early periods speak of large pieces that took years to prepare and up to several years to carve. New pieces of genuine carved cinnabar lacquer in this article (Figs. 2-3) have an estimated 50-100 layers. Reddish-orange carved lacquer, or cinnabar, has been widely exported to the West for over three hundred years. Cinnabar continues to be made today in China. It is a popular souvenir for tourists visiting Asia as well as being imported by gift wholesalers worldwide. Inexpensive cinnabar lookalikes in plastic have also been widely offered in catalogs by the decorating trade and reproduction wholesalers. The problem for collectors is that all these pieces–antique examples, currently produced genuine lacquer, and many imitations made over many years–are all in today's market. Buyers need to know the proper way to determine whether a piece they examine is genuine carved lacquer or a molded copy. Separating carved lacquer from imitations Genuine carved lacquer virtually always shows some sign of the multiple layers from which it was created. The best place to look is at gradually tapering cuts. If you look at these cuts with a 10X loupe you will generally see a grain-like pattern of concentric rings (Fig. 5). Rings or grain are not generally visible on right angle cuts and may not appear at all on very finely carved pieces made before ca. 1900. Regardless of age, though, virtually all carved pieces show at least some evidence of tool marks produced by carving. The most obvious clues to molding or casting are tell-tale production marks associated with plastic and other synthetic materials. Typical signs would include mold seams, pits from broken air bubbles (Fig. 7) and swirls within the material. Bases of many molded pieces often have what appear to be saw marks (Fig. 11) never found on genuine lacquer. Molded pieces also tend to lack the detail found in carved pieces but this may not be obvious unless you have experience. Before modern plastics, the most common way to reproduce carved lacquer was to first make molds of genuine pieces. These molds were then used to make plaster copies. The copies were then painted with thick reddish-orange paint and sold as carved cinnabar. Slightly better reproductions were made by coating the plaster with a single layer of lacquer as a top coating. Another pre-1940 imitation was a type of red putty that was pressed in molds. This material was heat sensitive and often softens and blurs details. A test of last resort is to drag a cotton swab moistened with fingernail polish remover across a suspected piece. Genuine lacquer will discolor the swab (Fig. 6); plastic is not affected. Use this test with extreme CAUTION–polish remover is highly flammable. It can also dull the original finish on genuine lacquer. Test hidden areas only and immediately clean the tested area with mild soap and rinse thoroughly. Never use heated pins to test for lacquer. Many plastics as well as some lacquers emit toxic gasses or ignite when heated. The best test is to use your loupe and look for tool marks which indicate hand carving. Is it old? To many buyers, the age of cinnabar carved lacquer is not as important as the quality of workmanship. This art form has remained essentially unchanged for centuries and some pieces carved today are very high quality. Then again, many pieces from the 19th and early 20th century made for the tourist trade are very poor quality. Quality is usually defined by the amount and quality of detailed carving, number of layers of lacquer and condition. Generally, pieces permanently marked China, or Made in China, date from ca. 1890s-1930s. Cinnabar being carved today usually has no permanent mark. Museum quality pieces are just that–in a museum and not at your local flea market or on eBay. And don't get excited over Chinese characters on a piece. Most of those marks were applied to impress Western tourists and are on more reproductions than genuine pieces. Fig. 1 Learn to separate genuine lacquer from copies and reproductions. Fig. 2 Carved cinnabar colored lacquer double-gourd 6½″ vase, lacquer over brass. Interior of vase and outside surface of base in blue enamel. Made new in China, $45, no permanent mark. See base in Fig. 12 Fig. 3 Carved lacquer over brass 8″ vase. Black top layer over cinnabar red bottom layer. Made new in China, $64. Interior and base in blue enamel. See base in Fig. 12 Fig. 4 Detail of carving on two-layered vase shown in Fig. 3 Black top layer over red background. Top layer is about one-eighth of an inch deep. Fig. 5 A 10X view of layers as exposed in a cut in genuine cinnabar carved lacquer. Deep tapering cuts made parallel to the surface usually reveal this grain-like pattern of concentric rings. Fig. 6 Genuine lacquer will discolor a cotton swab moistened with fingernail polish remover. This test should be used as a last resort; original surfaces may be dulled. Fig. 7 Broken air bubbles are common in synthetic materials. Mold seams and surface swirls are also clues to cast pieces. Fig. 8 A 1975 listing for "Simulated cinnabar" in a catalog of reproductions. All of molded plastic, $2.50 each. Fig. 9 Not all cinnabar imitations are vases and snuff bottles. This 5″ statue in red plastic copies an original made of carved lacquer. A set of three different statues retails for $19.95. Fig. 10 Note that this new figure rests on a molded base. The base and figure are cast as one piece. When bases and figures are cast as a single piece, it is almost a certain sign of a reproduction. Fig. 11 Many plastic imitations of cinnabar have saw-like tool marks on the bases. Such marks are never found on genuine carved lacquer. Actual size is 2″ across. Fig. 12 Base of new but genuine carved cinnabar lacquer vases from Figs. 2-3. Brass body shows through in the rim. Base covered in blue enamel. The only mark is removable Made in China paper label. Fig. 13 Hand painted China in enamel on enamel base, ca. 1900-1930s. Actual width of lettering 1½″. Fig. 14 Hand painted CHINA on enamel base, ca. 1910-1930s. Fig. 15 Made in China or stamped directly into the brass, ca. 1900-1930s.	i don't know
Giacomo Agostini was seven times world champion between 1966 and 1972 in which sport?	Motorcycle History: Giacomo Agostini’s World Championship \| RideApart Tweet Each week RideApart looks back to highlight key milestones in motorcycling history from innovations to significant model introductions to racing successes and, of course, some of the disastrous things we’d rather forget. This week it’s Italian racing legend Giacomo Agostini's World Championship debut. It’s 50 years ago this year that arguably the world’s greatest Grand Prix motorcycle racer Giacomo Agostini took part in his debut World Championship race on a 250cc Moto Morini in Spain. He failed to score any points that first season but in the years that followed, Ago (as he’s known to his fans) went on to become the most successful rider of all time. Over a 13-year career (from 1963-1977) this Italian rider won 122 Grand Prix in both the 350cc and 500cc categories (even today he is still ahead of Valentino Rossi) plus 15 World Championship motorcycle titles. Of those he won 68 races and eight titles in the top 500cc class with the remainder in the 350cc class. Agostini began his career as a factory rider for Italian manufacturer Moto Morini and won the national 350cc title in his second year of racing in 1964. Agostini’s performance caught the attention of Count Domenico Agusta – then owner of the MV Agusta factory – who signed Agostini and Englishman Mike Hailwood for the 1965 350cc World Championship. It turned out to be a season-long battle between Agostini and Honda’s Brian Redman with the Italian just missing out on the title in the Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka when his Agusta developed a mechanical problem. The following season, in 1965, Hailwood left the Agusta team for Honda, leaving Agostini as the top rider for the Agusta factory and racing in both 500cc and 350cc World Championships. It was that 1966 season where Agostini started to dominate motorcycle racing. He went on to win seven consecutive 500cc Grand Prix titles (1967-1972) and seven 350cc titles (1968-1974). In those years the Isle of Man featured as a round of both World Championships and Agostini won both classes of the TT 10 times. In 1972, he announced he would never race at the Isle of Man again as his close friend and fellow Italian rider Gilberto Parlotti had been killed that year and Agostini felt the circuit had become far too dangerous for Grand Prix racing. In 1974, Agostini made the surprise move from Agusta to Yamaha winning the Daytona 200 in the 500cc class but was hampered by technical problems. He did though continue to win on a Yamaha in the 350cc category taking the world title that year. For 1975 he won the 500cc Grand Prix title for Yamaha, which marked the first time ever that a two-stroke motorcycle won the top World Championship class. His penultimate season in 1976 saw Agostini riding both Yamaha and Agusta bikes in the 500cc championship (try doing that today) but with limited success. He retired at the end of the 1977 season finishing sixth in the 500cc World Championship standings as well as competing in 750cc endurance races for Yamaha. After retiring he tried his hand at car racing running his own team and competing in a national Formula One Championship. Agostini returned to bike racing in 1982 running the Yamaha Grand Prix team and oversaw the careers of Eddie Lawson and Kenny Roberts. In the early 1990’s he even ran the Cagiva works motorcycle team. Agostini still works as an ambassador for Yamaha but no longer competes. Today Giacomo Agostini’s astonishing record of 186 starts, 122 wins, 159 podiums, 9 pole positions and 117 fastest laps has yet to be beaten. Related Links:	Motorcycling
What is the first name of Goldfinger in the 1964 James Bond film ‘Goldfinger’?	Giacomo Agostini \| MotoVue Leave a reply With Christmas 2016 upon us here are two books which any motorcycle racing enthusiast would like to find under the Christmas tree. They say a picture paints a thousand words and these two photo-autobiographies “GIACOMO AGOSTINI A LIFE IN PICTURES” and “JOHN SURTEES MY INCREDIBLE LIFE ON TWO WHEELS AND FOUR” certainly do that. Both are primarily photographic accounts of the lives of these two motor racing giants, beautifully presented on high quality glossy paper as hardback coffee table size publications. Agostini’s book is co-authored by Italian Mario Donnino , a long serving reporter for well known motorsport magazine Autosprint, Donino’s almost poetic narrative is combined with quotes provided by Agostini that reveal his highly competitive nature and a search for perfection in his racing. This is hardly surprising for a man who has won eight 500cc (MotoGp) and seven 350cc World Championships accumulating along the way 122 Grand Prix victories. It is the photographs however, most of which are from Agostini’s own collection, that enrich this book so much, allowing the reader to look back in time to the late 1950’s and mid 1970”s, to an era considered to be “Golden” in the sport of Grand Prix motorcycle racing and sometimes also deadly to its participants. The photographs, such as the MV Agusta mechanics working in the factory workshop, and those of Giacomo socialising with his racing rivals are priceless. Highly recommended. John Surtees’ book is co-authored by well known journalist Mike Nicks who has contributed to specialist magazines such as MCN, Classic Bike among many others. The format is very similar to Agostini’s tome with the photographs accompanied by Surtee’s own description that gives an intimate voice to the book. Surtees of course is the only man to ever win both the 500cc (MotoGp) World Championship (four times) and the F1 World Championship with Ferrari in 1964. Surtees also won the inaugural CAN-AM series in 1966 and later became an F1 car constructor in 1970 with his cars winning the European Formula 2 title with Mike Hailwood in 1972. But these are just headlines of a long and enduring career and this book reveals so much more. Highly recommended. Royalties from “JOHN SURTEES MY INCREDIBLE LIFE ON TWO WHEELS AND FOUR” go to the Henry Surtees Foundation which was set up to honour the memory of John’s son Henry, who was killed in a freak accident at Brands Hatch in 2009. The above books are available from the Book Depository. Review by Geoff Dawes (C) 2016 Leave a reply Dani Pedrosa and Marc Marquez pose with the 1966 Honda RC181 and the 2016 RC213V at Motegi in Japan. It was perhaps fitting that Marc Marquez collected his third MotoGp World Championship at Honda’s own circuit at Motegi in Japan, as 2016 celebrates 50 years since Honda first entered the premier class of Grand Prix motorcycle racing. What is also appropriate is the fact that Marquez achieved this on the recalcitrant 2016 RC213V. Although an improvement over the 2015 edition, a change to the new Michelin control tyres as well as the new control software, tossed in even more variables for the Repsol Honda team to equate. But the key this year to Marquez’s success has been his determination to finish every race and has shown the kind of maturity, at just 23 years of age, that no doubt is worrying to his rivals. Honda’s first foray into the 500cc (MotoGp) class with the RC181, coincidentally suffered handling issues as well. Honda’s weapon of choice to enter the 500cc war. Honda of course were the first Japanese motorcycle manufacturer to enter into the Grands Prix in 1959 at the Isle of Man TT in the 125cc category. After considerable success in the lower capacity classes Honda then took the plunge by entering a 500cc machine in the premier class for 1966. Although rumours in the paddock suggested that like the multi-cylinder four-strokes Honda had produced in the smaller capacity classes, the 500cc machine could potentially have a six-cylinder or even a V-8 power plant. However it was a more conventional transverse air-cooled four-cylinder engine, with twin overhead camshafts and four-valves per cylinder, that fronted the grid. The RC181 boasted a very competitive 85hp at 12,000rpm and weighed in at 154kg using the engine as a stressed member. It was entrusted to Rhodesian, Jim Redman, Honda’s six times world champion (two 250cc and four 350cc class titles) to take on the might of MV Agusta and the talents of its rising star Giacomo Agostini . Honda used the engine as a stressed member for the chassis of the RC181. Redman took the RC181 to a stunning victory on debut at the German Grand Prix at Hockenheim and followed that up with a win at the next round in Holland at the Dutch TT. Honda had also enticed its former 250cc World Champion, Mike Hailwood, back to the fold, and although his priority was to be the 250cc and 350cc categories, Hailwood rode the new machine for the first time in Holland and was leading the race when a false neutral caused him to crash. Nonetheless it appeared MV Agusta’s monopoly on the class was about to end. The RC181 though flattered to deceive and Redman crashed in atrocious conditions during the next round at Spa in Belgium. He badly broke his arm and promptly retired from racing, leaving Hailwood to try and retrieve the championship challenge. Although Hailwood notched up three wins in Czechoslovakia, Ulster and the Isle of Man and a second place in Finland, mechanical problems at the other four rounds handed the riders title to Agostini and the new three cylinder MV Agusta. Honda was left with the consolation of winning the manufacturers trophy with a motorcycle that Hailwood could only describe the handling as, “Bloody awful!” Hailwood’s Honda wore the number 1 plate in 1966 after winning the 500cc crown for MV Agusta in 1965. Both Honda and Hailwood returned for the 1967 season with an updated RC181. The off-season saw the Honda now developing a healthy 93bhp at 12,650rpm with its weight reduced 13kg to 141kg with the extensive use of magnesium in the engine. Mike had flown to Japan during the off-season to test the 1967 machines and was horrified to discover the promised new chassis for the RC181 was non-existent and demanded to take an engine back to England to have a chassis built in Europe that might solve the severe handling problems. The Japanese though refused to let Hailwood race the new chassis in the Grands Prix, but instead “beefed up” the existing RC181 frame which used the engine as a stressed member. Mike did enter the HRS (Hailwood Racing Special) at some non-championship races and even practiced on it for the first Gran Prix of the season at Hockenheim but reverted to the factory RC181 for the race and was leading when the crankshaft broke handing Agostini the win. Hailwood (left) and “Ago”on the starting grid as they prepare to do battle. The next race was the TT at the Isle Of Man, a race that became one of the all time classics in Grand Prix racing history. During the course of their titanic struggle the lead swapped back and forth for five of the six laps of the 37.5mile course (60.3km) until the chain broke on Agostini’s MV. Hailwood cruised to victory and had set a new outright lap record of 108.77mph (175kph), which stood for almost a decade. The next weekend Agostini and the improving MV outpaced Hailwood and the Honda at Spa in Belgium, and at the Sachsenring in East Germany, gearbox problems forced Mike to retire with Agostini claiming victory. The Brno circuit in Czechoslovakia was next with Hailwood finishing 17.8 seconds ahead of his nemesis on the MV Agusta triple. But a fall at Imatra in Finland on a soaked track shifted momentum once more to Agostini. The roles were reversed again at the Dundrod circuit in Ulster with ‘Ago” retiring and Hailwood winning. The whole season now pivoted on the penultimate race of the season at the Nations Grand Prix in MV Agusta’s own backyard at Monza in Italy. At last it looked like Honda would achieve their ambition as Hailwood led Agostini by 16 seconds with three laps to go only to have a certain victory stolen from him by a gearbox that became stuck in top gear. Agostini flashed by to win by 13.2 seconds and take the title a second year in a row. Although Hailwood won again at the final round at Mosport in Canada, beating “Ago” home by a massive 37.7 seconds it was of no avail. Both riders had accumulated five wins apiece but “Ago” took the title due to three second place finishes to Hailwood’s two. There was no consolation prize for Honda either as MV Agusta also took home the manufacturers title. Hailwood chases “Ago” at the Dutch TT in 1967. Honda withdrew from the Grands Prix at the end of the 1967, but this was just a prelude of what was to come. The Japanese company returned to the premier class of Grand Prix motorcycle racing in 1979 with the ill-fated NR500 four-stroke racer and won the first of their many rider’s titles in 1983 with Freddie Spencer and the NS500 two-stroke. Those frustrating seasons of 1966 and 1967 for Honda, must now seem a lifetime away. As this is written, the Japanese manufacturer has now accrued a staggering 279 race victories and 39 riders and constructors World Championships. Words Geoff Dawes © 2016.Images courtesy of Honda and http://www.formulamoto.es . YouTube Video courtesy of Pathe. Leave a reply Valentino Rossi about to claim pole position at Jerez. The recent return to form by Valentino Rossi since re-joining his former team at Yamaha has been quite extraordinary. After two seasons in the wilderness with Ducati (2012-2013) and a change of crew chief from Jeremy Burgess to fellow Italian Silvan Galbusera, Rossi is back once more to his winning ways. A single win and four third place podiums helped Valentino clinch fourth place in the 2014 MotoGp World Championship, which by anyone’s standards was a great achievement. The momentum continued into the 2015 season with four wins and Rossi finishing off the podium only three times to take second place in the championship by a mere 5 points, in what became a contentious world title win for Jorge Lorenzo. What makes Rossi’s performance even more remarkable is his age. Valentino turned 37 years old earlier this year showing his hunger for victory and love of the sport has not waned. Yamaha must think so as they have agreed to a two-year extension of Rossi’s contract keeping him with the factory team until 2018. Nonetheless Rossi’s renewed competitiveness has swung the spotlight of public attention once more onto the subject of who is the greatest of all time (G.O.A.T.) in the sport of Grand Prix motorcycle racing. Giacomo Agostini on his way to winning German GP at the Nurburgring. There are of course the cold facts that statistics tend to present. The great Giacomo Agostini is still the most prolific Grand Prix winner with 122 wins to his credit while Rossi is still chipping away on 114 with the potential to equal or beat this record. Agostini has also won 8 MotoGp (formerly 500cc) world titles to Rossi’s 7 so far. “Ago” has also won 7 350cc world championships giving him a total of 15 world titles to Valentino’s 9 (a 125cc title in 1997 and 250cc title in 1999 with Aprillia). Agostini has also won 10 Isle of Mann TT’s, the only non-British rider to do so. Rossi though has won world titles in three capacity classes to ‘”Ago’s” two. Detractors of Agostini’s accomplishments like to point out that during his domination of the Grand Prix that he had superior multi-cylinder four-stroke machinery of the MV Agusta factory team at his disposal with mainly outdated British four-stroke singles to contend with. That is to a degree is true but ‘Ago” still had to deal with the likes of Mike Hailwood, Jim Redman and Phil Read as either teammates or factory supported Honda riders along the way as well as the ever improving Japanese two-strokes that were gaining traction in both the 350cc and 500cc class during his career. And indeed it was Agostini in 1974 that won the first MotoGp (500cc) riders title on a four-cylinder two-stroke; a first also for Yamaha and Japan. Interestingly it was Rossi that won the last two-stroke World Championship and the first for the new 990cc four-strokes with Honda in 2001 and 2002. Both “Ago” and Valentino have similarly won championships in the premier class with two different manufacturers and are part of an elite group of five that has done so in the sixty-seven year history of the championship. The others are Geoff Duke, Eddie Lawson and Casey Stoner. Five times World Champion Geoff Duke on the Gilera. It should also be pointed out that Giacomo’s 122 Grand Prix wins were accrued over thirteen years from 186 starts, while Rossi has been in the Grand Prix for twenty years and accumulated his 114 (as this is written) wins from 341 starts. Another relevant point is the danger factor. Grand Prix motorcycle racing has always been a hazardous sport and even this year the paddock grieved another fatality when Luis Salom suffered a fatal crash in free practice for the Moto2 race in Catalunya. But during Agostini’s career in the 1960’s and early 1970’s fatalities were commonplace and many of the circuits were considered deadly. Suprisingly “Ago” was quoted as saying that his favourite tracks were the Isle of Man TT, the old Nurburgring, the old Spa, Opitja and the old Brno circuit, the five most deadly tracks in Grand Prix motorcycle racing history. Remember to, that it was during this period that the “pudding basin” helmet was considered standard “safety equipment”. Greatness though is not necessarily statistics but perhaps the perception of the groups of fans who love the sport and have lived through different eras. Take Geoff Duke for example, a six time World Champion (two 350cc and four 500cc titles) during the sports infancy in the 1950’s, notching up a number of firsts. He was the first man to win two titles (350cc and 500cc) in the same season (1951), the first to win 3 consecutive 500cc titles (1953, 1954 and 1955) and also the first to win MotoGp (500c) titles with two different manufacturers (Norton and Gilera). And what of John Surtees? Surtees won the premier 500cc Grand Prix crown on four occasions (1956, 1958, 1959 and 1960) and the 350cc G.P. title on three occasions (1958, 1959 and 1960) for a total of seven championships on two wheels, before he clinched the Formula One car title at the last race in Mexico in 1964, the only person ever to win the premier class on two wheels and four. Surtees rides his MV Augusta to victory at the Isle of Man. But to many Mike Hailwood remains a true icon of grand prix motorcycle racing. Equal to Rossi with 9 world championships in three different classes (three 250cc, two 350cc and four 500cc) during a nine-year career with 76 wins from 152 starts in the late 1950’s and 1960’s that included 14 Isle of Man TT victories. Remarkably after an 11-year break from motorcycle racing Hailwood returned to the Island and won the F1 TT in 1978 and the Senior TT in 1979. The list goes on with names like Phil Read. A 7 times world champion in three classes (the 125cc in 1968, the 250cc in 1964, 65, 68 and 1971, and the 500cc 1973 and 1974) he accumulated 52 wins from 152 starts, again during the hazardous days of the 1960’s and 1970’s. But if dominance was the criteria for being a G.O.A.T. then one needs to look no further than Mick Doohan. During a 10-year career between 1989 and 1999, Doohan won 54 500cc Grand Prix and achieved 95 podiums from 137 starts with five consecutive World Championships (equaled only by Rossi). In 1997 Doohan amassed an amazing 12 wins and 2 second places from 15 races. This has only been surpassed by the youngest rider to win a MotoGP World Championship, Marq Marquez, with 13 wins, but from 18 races, on the way to his second World title in 2014. Add to this the fact that Doohan’s superiority occurred after he had sustained debilitating injuries to his left leg during practice for the Dutch TT at Assen during what should had been a dominant season and a convincing first world title. So indeed the argument for the greatest of all time will continue between fans and journalists alike, on the Internet, in pubs and at racetracks around the world, revealing the genuine passion we all have for what is the greatest of all motorsports. Leave a reply Left to right: Masahiko Nakajima President of Yamaha Motor Racing, Phil Read and Marco Riva General Manager of Yamaha Motor Racing. Saturday the 13th of September represented a significant milestone for Yamaha Factory Racing. Exactly fifty years had passed since the Iwata based company attained its first world championship with the two-stroke 250cc RD56 when English motorcycle legend Phil Read won the Nations Grand Prix at Monza. Read was on hand at the Misano World Circuit Marco Simoncelli to present Masahiko Nakajima (President of Yamaha Motor Racing) and Marco Riva (General Manager of Yamaha Motor Racing) with his original 1964 F.I.M. World Championship certificate. The certificate will now take pride of place at Yamaha’s Hall Of Fame in Japan. A copy of the certificate has been made that will be signed by all those present to mark the occasion and in return will be presented to Read. Phil Read went on to win a total of eight world titles across four classes, 125GP, 250GP, 500GP and TTF1. His career is littered with impressive achievements, including eight IOM TT race wins, 121 Grand Prix podiums and four 250cc world titles which has only ever been equaled by Max Biaggi. Alongside Mike Hailwood and fellow Yamaha icon Valentino Rossi, Phil is one of only three riders to have won road-racing world championships in three or more classes. Read receives the trophies and takes the 1964 250cc World Championship. Read was quoted as saying, “This special evening to celebrate my bringing Yamaha’s first world title to them after 50 years is like coming home to the happy team, the reception has been fantastic, it’s overwhelming for me to see I get this recognition. I’m lucky to be here after fifty years of racing! It’s also thrilling to be here in Misano with Jorge on pole and Valentino so close on the front row too. It’s a little different now, from 1964; I came to Monza with two factory 250 Yamaha RD56s in the back of my car with one English mechanic and a Japanese mechanic who came over for the race in Monza. I think we had our carburettor settings written on a postcard! I still feel as much part of the Yamaha family today as I did then, and feel privileged to have started a run of world championship success that has continued to this day.” Marco Riva, Yamaha Motor Racing, General Manager responded, “Our success with the RD56 wrote a page in motorcycle history. It was very competitive for many years and is still in my opinion the best race bike. Our aim has always been to have the rider at the centre of our racing project, Phil and other Yamaha icons such as Giacomo Agostini, Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo are all still the most important factor. We are the only manufacturer that raced from the beginning of the world championship to now, we’ve never stopped and this is something very special. We are honoured to have Phil here with us to celebrate this anniversary. He is an icon in motorcycle racing, fourth in the all-time world rankings with eight world titles. We hold riders such as Phil in a special place in our hearts over these years for allowing us to win these titles together.” Yamaha followed Japanese rivals Honda and Suzuki into the World Championship Motorcycle Road Racing Grands Prix in 1961. Since the inception of the F.I.M. World Championship Grands Prix in 1949, Yamaha has won 38 manufacturers titles and 37 riders titles that cover 125cc, 250cc, 350cc, 500cc and MotoGp. Words Geoff Dawes © 2014. Images courtesy Movistar Yamaha Factory Racing. Leave a reply When American Kenny Roberts invaded the European Grands Prix in 1978, the two times AMA Grand National Champion left an indelible mark on the World Championship. Not only did Roberts become the first American to win a 500cc world title (the first of three), he also brought to Europe an American dirt track style of racing that would change the face of the sport forever. Not only that, Roberts was also instrumental in improving paddock conditions, safety and appearance money after ruffling the FIM and establishment’s feathers by proposing a breakaway “World Series” to compete with the Grands Prix. The quiet achiever Steve Baker. It’s therefore somewhat understandable that when the question of who was the first American to win a 500cc Grand Prix, it’s assumed it was Kenny. In fact it was a fellow Californian, Pat Hennen. Hennen started racing in the 500cc World Championship in 1976 for Suzuki GB, and won his and America’s first 500cc Grand Prix in Finland that year. He also finished a creditable third in the Championship. Hennen performed the same feat the following year, this time winning British Grand Prix and placing third again in the Championship. In 1978 Hennen won in Spain but suffered a severe race crash at the Isle of Man TT, which ended his career. So who was the first American to win an FIM road racing World Championship? Ditto, again it’s assumed to be Roberts. It was, however, a diminutive, unassuming, and quietly spoken character by the name of Steve Baker. Born on the 5th of September 1952 in Bellingham, Washington State, Baker, like so many of the American World Champions that followed, started out a dirt tracker. At age 11 he would spend hours riding the many dirt trails around his hometown and at 16 began to race on short track and the TT dirt tracks of the Pacific Northwest. By the early 1970’s Steve had become one of the top-ranked novices, and junior TT riders in America. Baker was by now racing in events up and down the west coast of the United States and Canada. Baker at work on Yamaha Canada TZ750. Steve then turned his hand to road racing, mainly in Canada, competing in as many as five classes during a typical weekend. It wasn’t long before Baker had a hat trick of Canadian road racing titles to his name in the 500cc expert class, taking the number one plate in 1974, 1975 and 1976. 1976 was a good year for Baker who also took out the 250cc and unlimited expert class as well. Baker had begun racing professionally in 1973 with sponsorship from Yamaha Canada’s Trevor Deeley, with Bob Work as his tuner. Baker’s debut in his first AMA national was at the 1973 Daytona 200 in which he finished 28th. It was not until September that year that Baker showed his true potential with a creditable 2nd place to former 250cc World Champion Kel Carruthers at Talladega in Alabama. Unfortunately it was at the same circuit the following year that Baker crashed and broke his leg, leaving him sidelined for the rest of the year. Bakers comeback ride was at Daytona in 1975 and it netted him a commendable 2nd place to Gene Romero. But it was in 1976 that Baker’s star really shone. Now one of only five riders to receive a “works” OW31 TZ750 Yamaha, it proved to be an awe-inspiring combination. Baker qualified 2nd to Kenny Roberts at the season opening Daytona 200, but during the race suffered mechanical problems after holding down third place. Disappointment turned to success at the next two FIM Formula 750 Prize events in Venezuela and at Imola in Italy with Baker winning both of the 200 mile races. Baker on the grid at Imola alongside future factory teammate Johnny Cecotto. On the home front he recorded his first AMA national victory at the Loudon Classic in June and backed it up with a win in the 250cc race. Baker repeated this at Laguna Seca again winning both the national and 250cc race. 1976 was also Baker’s debut in the Trans-Atlantic Match Races, a series that pitted a team of America’s best riders against seasoned English racers on circuits in the UK. Baker won four of the six races finishing second and fourth in the other two and was top points scorer of the series. This was against riders of the calibre of Kenny Roberts, Barry Sheene and former world champion Phil Read. Baker followed this up later that year with a win in the prestigious Race of the Year at Mallory Park beating the likes of 500cc World Champion Barry Sheene and multiple World Champion Giacomo Agostini amongst others. For 1977 the FIM Formula 750 Prize had been granted full World Championship status with the season starting Daytona 200 as the opening round. Baker by now had been drafted into the official Yamaha factory squad to contest not only the new 750cc World Championship, but the 500cc World Championship as well alongside Johnny Ceccotto while Giacomo Agostini was provided with “works” machinery through the Italian Yamaha importer. Baker leads Roberts both on the OW31. Finally everything seemed to come together for Baker at Daytona, qualifying on pole position and winning the race. Baker also clinched the double by winning the International Lightweight 250cc race. The F750 World Championship consisted of eleven rounds most of which (unlike the Grands Prix) consisted of two heats. Six of the circuits Baker had raced on before and with the mighty OW31 at his disposal he was able to win five of the rounds, coming second in three and third in two. Baker never finished off the podium in the 10 rounds he contested. His nearest rival Frenchman Christian Sarron was 76 points behind. America, at last, had its first FIM road racing World Champion. Diminutive Baker manhandles the OW31 through the infield. But it was the 500cc World Championship that Yamaha was most eager to capture. The Japanese company had first entered the blue riband 500cc class in 1973 with 1972 250cc World Champion Jarno Saarinen. Unfortunately Saarinen was killed in the 250cc race at Monza while leading the point’s table in the 500cc class. Yamaha withdrew for the rest of the season but returned in 1974 with the great Giacomo Agostini. Agostini went on to win the title for Yamaha in 1975 giving them and Japan their first 500cc World Championship. But in 1976 rival Japanese manufacturer Suzuki with the talented Barry Sheene had taken the title away. Yamaha were required to save face. In 1977 the 500cc GP’s were also contested over eleven rounds, but many of the circuits were new to Baker. Steve was reported to have said in a recent interview that he was “overwhelmed by Europe” when contesting the championship. Not only were there new circuits to learn there was also the question of racing in the rain, something that did not occur in the United States. On top of that there was the culture shock of living outside of the states. Then of course there were the street circuits, which were part of the Grand Prix calendar. Spa in Belguim, Imatra in Finland, Brno in Czechoslovakia and Opitijia in Yugoslavia all could prove deadly and finding the right place to make up time or take calculated risks could only come from experience. Let’s not forget that 1977 saw the British Grand Prix on the mainland for the first time (at Silverstone) after the top riders of the day vetoed that most deadly of all road courses, the Isle of Man TT. Even the closed circuits at that time could not be considered “safe” by today’s standards and fatalities regularly took place. Yamaha 50th anniversary wallpaper of Formula 750 World Champion Steve Baker. It was with this backdrop that Baker contested the championship, taking on seasoned campaigners like World Champion Sheene and a flotilla of “works” or factory supported RG500 Suzuki’s, not to mention his own teammate Ceccotto and Agostini on the other factory Yamaha YZR500 0W35’s. At the end of a tough season, Baker finished in a creditable second place to World Champion Barry Sheene. He had scored second place three times, third place three times, fourth once and fifth once. The second round of the 500cc Championship had been boycotted in Austria at the Salzburgring after an accident in the 350cc race that saw one rider killed and several others badly injured, including Baker’s teammate Johnny Ceccoto, who broke his arm. In the other two races that made up the series in Finland and Czechoslovakia Baker suffered mechanical problems which blunted his final points tally, 80 to Sheene’s 107. Always fast. With such a performance in his rookie year, a factory contract for 1978 might have been expected. The only thing that Baker hadn’t achieved was winning a 500cc Grand Prix. Unfortunately Yamaha top brass witnessed a domestic bust up between Baker and his fiancé Bonnie with his sister and Bob Work at the Dutch TT in Assen. This seemed to seal Steve’s fate and a contract was not forthcoming. The Gallina team signed Baker for the following season on a private Suzuki RG500, but against the factory machinery he could only achieve seventh in the championship, his best result a third place podium in Venezuela. Baker also competed in the F750 World Championship for the Gallina team on a production Yamaha TZ750E although he was “allowed” to ride Yamaha Canada’s factory OW31 in North America. Daytona was no longer part of the F750 World Championship in 1978, although it was still the most important road race in America. Baker suffered a DNF through mechanical failure while in second place chasing Kenny Roberts. The season turned out to be one of mechanical failures and risky strategy for Baker, desperate to try and compete with the “works” machines. To cap of a disastrous season, at the last round at Mosport in Canada, Baker was involved in another riders fatal practice crash. Baker escaped with a badly broken arm and leg. Steve finished sixth in the Championship with his best results being two second places at Imola and Laguna Seca and a third place at Paul Ricard. The following season, in 1979, Baker was set to race in the MCN/Superbike championship in the UK riding a Yamaha TZ750F for Sid Griffiths. At the second round of the series, at Brands Hatch, Baker crashed entering Paddock Hill bend and sustained similar injuries to his Mosport crash of the previous year. Bakers privateer Gallina TZ750E. Steve Baker left the sport without having the chance to fully fulfill his enormous potential and returned home to open a Yamaha dealership in his hometown of Bellingham, which he runs to this day. Often overlooked as America’s first World Champion, Baker holds no grudges, and there is no bitterness, only a modest gratitude to have been able to enjoy the experience. In recent years Baker has ridden for the Yamaha Classic Racing Team at numerous classic events around Europe, jogging peoples memories while attracting new fans, and reminding us all of the very special the talent that is, Steve Baker. Leave a reply It was not that long ago that the very thought of MotoGp without Valentino Rossi was almost heresy. Although Rossi’s eventual retirement was an inevitable reality, there was some consternation about the future popularity of the sport and its existence as a saleable commodity without him. Rossi’s ability to engage such a wide demographic of fans, from children to retiree’s has given Grand Prix motorcycle racing the kind of exposure that other forms of motorsport would dearly love to have had. His post race antics, charm and humility, coupled to an amazing ability to push a Grand Prix racing motorcycle to the very limit, using racecraft so ruthless it enabled him to regularly outwit his many opponents is legendary. Rossi on his 2001 Championship winning NSR500 two-stroke. Rossi is arguably the greatest rider of all time, having won a record 80 MotoGp’s compared to the 68 of the great Giacomo Agostini. But next month, on February 16th Valentino will celebrate his 35th birthday, and after three years with only one win, Rossi has given himself six races before he decides whether he will continue in MotoGp in 2015. That sixth race will be his “home” Grand Prix at Mugello a race he has won a record seven times. The surprise sacking of longtime crew chief, Jeremy Burgess, at the 2013 season ending race in Valencia, sent shock waves through the paddock. As Burgess pointed out at a pre-race press conference “I’ve read many sports biographies and quite often the top sportsman in the latter part of his career will have a change of caddy or a change of coach and this is what we’re working on. We worked on fixing the problem for four years and this is part of that fix and this is the next step to try and get Valentino back on top.” But is there more to Valentino’s lack of form since his last championship in 2009? Valentino on the 990cc RC211V Honda 5 cylinder four-stroke. Burgess has also mentioned the “survival gene” that kicks in when a rider reaches their thirties and can erode a competitor’s ability to push to the absolute limits on a Grand Prix motorcycle. Micheal Scott, a longtime Grand Prix journalist and the editor of the authoritative annual Motocourse, had previously noted in his column, that during his long career Rossi had always possessed that bit of luck which saved him from serious injury when involved in a practice or race crash. That was not the case however in 2010. Rossi suffered a pre-season Motocross accident that badly affected his right shoulder and was not rectified until after the season had finished. But more tellingly a practice crash at Mugello, a circuit that Rossi had so much success on, bit back, giving the Italian a broken leg and for the first a time in his career caused him to miss not just one race, but three. Was the magic waning? Rossi after winning the 2010 Malaysian GP aboard his beloved 800cc four-stroke Yamaha YZR-M1. Dealing with a recalcitrant Ducati in 2011 and 2012 did little to admonish the growing number of doubters that believed Rossi’s star was on the decline. Perhaps more tragically though was the effect that Valentino’s innocent involvement in Marco Simoncelli’s fatal accident in Malaysia may have had. I for one cannot comprehend how difficult it must have been for Valentino to deal with. The most reassuring thing about Rossi though is his love of racing and commitment to the sport. As the owner of a new Team Sky- VR46 Moto3 team, which he formed in a bid to help cultivate young Italian talent for the Grand Prix, there is no doubt that Rossi’s presence and star quality will thankfully be around the paddock for many years to come. 2 Replies Before the start of the 1973 500cc Grand Prix season the all-conquering MV Agusta team held a crushing stranglehold on the premier class. The monopoly had lasted for 17 year, winning the championship 16 times, the last seven in the hands of the great Giacomo Agostini. Even the might of the Honda factory with the talents of Mike Hailwood had failed to take the title away. Newcombe in full flight at the Dutch T.T. at Assen. In 1973 it was Yamaha who decided to take up the challenge and try to become the first Japanese factory to win the blue riband class. Yamaha’s line up was a formidable one utilising the talents of their 250cc world champion, rising Finnish star Jarno Saarinen, aboard the factory’s latest weapon; an across the frame 500cc four-cylinder two-stroke. His team-mate was respected Japanese test rider, Hideo Kanaya. The Italians though, proved they were not about to rest on their laurels by hurriedly building a new four-stroke 500 based on their compact 350 four. Three times 250cc World Champion, Englishman Phil Read, was drafted into the team to ride it alongside Ago on his tried and proven triple. But incredibly it became an unknown New Zealander, riding a home built special with an engine from a marine outboard motor, that was to be MV Agusta’s greatest threat. Kim Newcombe was born in Nelson on New Zealand’s South Island, but was brought up in Auckland where he served an apprenticeship as a motorcycle mechanic. Like many great riders of the modern Grand Prix era, Kim’s early racing career was on dirt tracks. His passion in particular was motorcycle scrambling (Motocross)), even riding his Greeves scrambler to meetings when a lift wasn’t available. Phil Read leads Newcombe at the 1973 Czehoslavakian Grand Prix. In May 1962 he was rewarded with a second place in the New Zealand Scramble Championship, which he followed up later that year with another second place in the North Island 250cc Championship. After such encouraging results, Kim and his wife Janeen, decided to sell the Greeves and move to Australia in 1963 for what would become a five-year stay. Newcombe initially spent time in Brisbane where he raced in both scrambles and speedway. Kim and Janeen then moved to Melbourne, and after putting in some good rides on a home-built special (an outdated Greeves with a BSA gearbox), he received sponsorship from Bob Beanam of Modak Motorcycles in the form of a 400cc Maico. Beanam also sponsored another rider by the name of Rod Tingate, and it was this pair that debuted the first Maico moto-cross bikes in Australia. However, Newcombe first came across the remarkable German Konig outboard motor while he was working for Bob Jackson Marine in Melbourne. The Konig proved to be almost unbeatable in its class of hydroplane racing, and in 1965 Kim won two Victorian Outboard Championships using the impressive two-stroke engine. In effect it was these two West German products that would have such a profound influence on Newcombe’s future. Kim and the Konig lead Read on the MV Agusta at the Swedish Grand Prix in 1973. Having succumbed to the lure of racing Moto-cross in Europe, Kim arranged a job as a mechanic with Maico’s experimental department in Germany. But the position was not available until March 1969, and as Newcombe and his wife were to arrive in Europe some eight months earlier something else had to be found. A phone call to Dieter Konig in Berlin secured Kim a job in the Konig factories experimental department, and it was here that the idea of putting the 500cc flat-four two-stroke engine into a motorcycle racing chassis jelled. Kim found that Dieter Konig was convinced his two-stroke engines could be as successful in Grand Prix motorcycle racing as they were in hydroplane racing and Newcombe was given the resources and encouraged to develop a Grand Prix racer. But it was a German rider named Wolf Braun who had initially showed an interest in racing a Konig, fitting the outboard motor, mated to a Norton gearbox and clutch, in a modified BSA chassis and then giving the hybrid machine it’s first race. But minor injuries and a lack of funds prevented Braun from continuing development of the Konig and the complete bike was left at the factory. Although Kim was keen to prove his ideas about making the Konig into a competitive Grand Prix racer he had not really considered racing it himself. But towards the end of 1969 Kim decided to race the Konig. In September, after obtaining a West German national racing licence, Newcombe entered his first road race at the Avus autobahn circuit near Berlin and won! The following season saw a completely new chassis – and Aussie Grand Prix rider John Dodds on the bike. Again it was relatively short lived; as a privateer Dodds could not afford to help develop and race a completely new machine. Newcombe would again have to ride the Konig himself. Kim on the Konig at the Dutch T.T. at Assen 1973. Kim had qualified for an international racing licence for the 1972 season after winning five junior races the previous year. His first international race was at Mettet in Belgium, but it was his performance in the selected Grands Prix which followed that showed Kim and the Konig’s true potential, their best results coming from two third places at the East and West German Grand?s Prix. The mongrel motorcycle was proving very competitive, with enough power to pass Pagani’s MV on the straights. Before the ’73 Grand Prix season had started Kim suffered several broken vertebrae in his neck due to a race crash at Hongelo in Holland. This called for a trip to London to see a Harley Street specialist and Newcombe used the opportunity to attend the annual motorcycle show. The main purpose of this was to visit Colin Seeley with reference to making a batch of frames for Konig which Kim had designed himself. By chance he ran into his old friend and former team-mate from Australia, Rod Tingate, who was working for Seeley. Tingate was on the verge of leaving Seeley to have a shot at racing in the European Grands Prix. Rod became an integral part of Newcombe’s team, racing his Yamaha TR3 when he could get a start, but mainly helping to maintain and develop the Konig. The first race of the season was the French GP at the Paul Ricard circuit in the south of France. The new Yamaha 500 in the hands of Jarno Saarinen dominated the event, easily beating home Phil Read on his MV, with Kanaya’s Yamaha coming in third. Considering Newcombe was developing a new machine, learning a new circuit and progressing as a rider, fifth place in the race was creditable performance. Agostini however, had fallen while trying to stay with Saarinen. Yamaha took a one-two win in the freezing rain at the next round, the Austrian GP in Salzburg. Again Saarinen dominated, taking the win, while both Ago and Read failed to finish, leaving Kim to pick up a fine third place some 30 seconds in arrears. On the Podium with Agostini (2) Read (1) and Kim (3) at Swedish G.P. at Anderstorp. In the heat at the West German GP at Hockenhiem, Saarinen broke the lap record, but unfortunately also his chain. Agostini’s MV again failed leaving Read to take the win. It was a difficult race for Kim who in front of his “home crowd” had mechanical problems and did not finish. The next race was at Monza in Italy. It was a Grand Prix meeting that became one of the darkest days in motorcycle sport. During the 350 race Walter Villa’s Benelli had broken an oil line, dumping engine oil onto the exhaust system and track. The Benelli was not black flagged by the organisers, but Villa came into the pits on the second to last lap on his own initiative, only to be sent out again by his mechanics so he could claim fifth spot in the race. The 250 race was started without an oil warning and there were no oil flags being shown around the track by the organiser’s to indicate the danger. As the leading bunch hurtled at 210kph into the first corner, the Curva Grande, Renzo Pasolini’s bike went down taking Saarinen with him and sending Kanaya into the hay bales. The group that was closely following smashed into the debris bringing down another twelve riders. Fire broke out among the hay bales and wrecked bikes causing smoke to obscure the accident. There was also no sign of any flag marshals to warn the riders who were on their second lap. John Dodds somehow managed to avoid the carnage, and began running down the track waving his arms to warn the other riders. Dieter Braun was leading the race and it was only the sight of Dodds that saved him from entering the smoke at around 233kph. Sadly both Pasolini and Saarinen were killed. The 500 race was cancelled, and as a mark of respect Yamaha withdrew for the rest of the season. With the TT at the Isle of Man being boycotted by all of the top GP riders for safety reasons, the next race was the Yugoslavian Grand Prix on the dangerous street circuit at the Adriatic seaside resort of Opatija. The question of track safety again came into play when MV Agusta decided to boycott this race meeting as well. Newcombe made the most of the situation by winning the event in fine style, coming home over a minute ahead of second place man Steve Ellis and taking the lead in the Championship by four points. Kim at work in 1973. The Grand Prix circus then moved on for the Dutch TT at Circuit van Drenthe Assen. Kim was now beginning to experience the pressure of leading the championship in his first full season of GP racing. This showed in practise, causing an uncharacteristic crash on the technically difficult Dutch circuit, and a long night for Kim and Rod to repair the Konig. But on race day, in front of the massive crowd, Kim managed to recover from a poor start and claw his way back through the field to come home in a fighting second place. Agostini, after setting the fastest lap for the race, was out once more with a faulty gear selector. Read again showed his class by taking first place and closing the gap to Newcombe to only one point. Next was Belgium and the Grand Prix at Spa-Francorchamps, another fast road circuit. Agostini finally broke his duck by winning the race and setting an average lap speed of 206.8kmh, ahead of team-mate Read. Newcombe was holding a safe third place when his waterpump drive broke allowing expatriate Aussie Jack Findlay, on the improving TR500 Suzuki, past on the final lap. Newcombe was now three points in arrears as they travelled once more behind the Iron Curtain to the Brno circuit for the Czechoslovakian GP. Phil Read made a good start and led for half race distance with Ago in tow. Kim was again in third but his engine was only firing on three cylinders. With only a few laps to go Bruno Kneubler caught up with him, and as they tussled out of the final corner the Konig cut in on all four cylinders spitting Newcombe off! Agostini, however, had managed to get the better of Read, and notched up his second successive win. Newcombe leads Read at the Swedish Grand Prix. Kim could see his chance at the Championship title slipping away as the Konig team moved on to Scandinavia and the Swedish GP at Anderstorp. If there had been any doubt about Newcombe’s riding ability this race proved his worth. Newcombe took the lead for the first ten laps by pushing the Konig to its limit, using extreme angles of lean through the corners to stay ahead, until he grounded the gear lever which knocked the Konig into neutral and almost sent him spearing off the track. Read was through in a flash to eventually beat Ago by half a second, with Kim in third place. The Finnish Grand Prix at Imatra was almost disastrous for Newcombe. The bumpy tree-lined circuit was made worse by dirt and damp leaves on the track, causing several excursions up the escape roads with the Konig scrambling for traction in the turns and under brakes. At one point Kim fell as low as eighth, but managed to work his way up to fourth at the flag. Agostini had won again, with Read’s second place making him unbeatable in the championship. There was a break before the final Grand Prix of the season in Spain, the next major meeting being the August 12th “British Grand Prix” international meeting at Silverstone. Kim had ridden the Konig in England for the first time at Brands Hatch the week before, but poor weather had put a dampener on the meeting, and Kim had no intentions of extending himself while in England. Bad luck followed Newcombe to Silverstone as he was unable to race the preferred 500cc Konig when in practise it broke a big-end bearing cage. This left the Super Konig, a 680cc version of the bike for racing against the Formula 750 machines in the 1000cc class. The 680 was more difficult to ride being brutally powerful. Kim on the 680cc Konig chases Peter Williams on the Norton F750 racer at Silverstone. All the big names were at Silverstone for the 1000cc event. Paul Smart (Kawasaki 750), Barry Sheene (Suzuki 750), Phil Read (MV), Agostini (MV), Gary Nixon (Kawasaki 750), Yvon Du Hamel (Kawasaki 750), Dave Croxford (Norton 750), and Peter Williams (Norton 750) amongst others. But for six laps Newcombe on a hybrid home-built racer proved embarrassingly fast for the factory racers. Smart gradually pegged back the Konig, and as they swept into Stowe corner Kim’s brakes appeared to fade, causing him to run wide and eventually crash. Newcombe and the Konig slid for a distance before smashing into an unprotected brick wall. Although his injuries appeared superficial, Kim had suffered severe head trauma similar to that of Suzuki’s Kevin Magee’s at Laguna Seca. Unfortunately the modern medical techniques that saved Kevin’s life were unavailable to Newcombe. Three days later Kim succumbed to his injuries in a Northampton Hospital. As usual Newcombe had walked the circuit before practice began, and was involved in a four hour meeting with race organisers over concerns about safety. It’s ironic that the next day an identical accident occurred at the same corner, yet the rider was able to walk away, thanks to hay bales belatedly being placed there. Posthumously second in the 1973 500cc World Championship, Kim Newcombe’s achievement should not be overlooked. Taking on the might of the unbeatable MV Agusta team with what amounted to a home-built special on a shoestring budget, and in his first full season of Grand Prix racing, deserves much more than that. Konig Technical File The success of the Konig flat-four two-stroke boxer engine design is quite unique in the history of the 500cc Grand Prix class. Similar layouts were tried later in the mid seventies, however, Helmet Fath’s more advanced two-stroke design was never as successful in the Grands Prix, and MV Augusta’s boxer four-stroke was never raced. Kim and the Konig in the paddock at the Swedish Grand Prix. Note the Norton gearbox casing and the belt drive to the water pump and rotary disc valve. The water-cooled unit sat transversely across the frame with two cylinders pointing forward and the other two rear ward. The two right hand cylinders fired together while the left hand pair repeated the process 180 degrees later. Basically like two flat-twins sharing a common crankcase and a single crankshaft. The crankcase itself was split into two separate pumping changers for each pair of opposed cylinders – a necessity for two-stroke breathing. This enabled the use of a single large rotary disc valve on top of the crankcase for inlet timing, with a single inlet port for each pair of opposed cylinders. The disc valve was driven by a toothed belt from the timing end of the crankshaft, and appeared somewhat fragile, as it had to run through rollers and make a ninety degree turn. Even the expansion chambers were shared – originally an agricultural looking single “canister” chamber with the front and rear pairs of cylinders siamesed into it. This was later replaced with two conventional looking expansion chambers – one for each pair of front and rear cylinders. Carburation varied from two East German BVF carburetors, to a twin-choke 38mm downdraught Solex, and finally a pair of American 42mm Tillotsons. The engine ran on petroil at an old fashioned 16:1, although this was later changed to 20:1 using a vegetable oil. All the internal components were qualify West German products, with the crankshaft being a pressed up five piece affair made by Hoeckle. It rested on three main bearings – utilizing a double ball on the timing end and two separate ball races on the primary side, with split-type caged rollers for the middle main bearing. Caged roller bearings were also used for the connecting rod’s big-end, while the little-end used crowded needle rollers and shims on the piston pin to centralize the conrod. The pistons themselves were forged high silicone Mahle items with a single chromed ring. Bore and stroke was a classic ‘stroker 54x54mm although this was said to have changed during development to 50x56mm. The ignition system was provided by a conventional battery, twin coil and dual points set-up, run off the right-hand end of the crank. The main weaknesses with adapting a design originally intended for power boating was the lack of an in-unit clutch/transmission and getting enough water through a cooling system that was built for a limitless supply of cold sea water. The clutch/gearbox problem was overcome by running a toothed Westinghouse chain off the left-hand side of the crankshaft (hence the reasoning to mount the engine across the frame), to a clutch and a Norton gearbox casing fitted with a Schaftleitner six-speed gear cluster. The cooling problem was never solved completely, and the engine did not like to get any hotter than 60 degrees. A cast-finned sump was fitted underneath the engine to act as a reservoir for five litres of coolant that passed through a large radiator. Newcombe experimented with slots in the fairing, which yielded some success, but just in case the Konig was never warmed up before a race so it could be taken to the starting line cold. Kim hard at work on the Konig at Spa in Belguim. In it’s final 1973 form the Konig had a chassis designed by Kim that used Ceriani front forks and drum brakes with Girling rear shocks. By this time the engine was pumping out 85bhp at 9,800rpm (at the crankshaft) with the 680cc version giving 90bhp to 9,500rpm. With a weight of only 139kg the 500 was good for around 265kph! Konig made eight bikes in kit form (less wheels and front forks), and for about the same price as a TZ350 Yamaha a privateer could buy a potentially competitive 500cc or 680cc racer. With Kim’s demise though, interest with the solo racer diminished. The factory did however help Rolf Steinhausen and passenger Josef Huber in the sidecar championship, for which they were rewarded with a Konig engine winning both the 1975 and 1976 Sidecar World Championship. Words Geoff Dawes (C) 1991. Photograph’s Mick Wollett, Jan Heese, Robyn’s Liege and Volker Rausch. Published 1993 Bike Australia, Classic Racer (UK) and Extra Editon Motorcyclist (Japan).	i don't know
Which heavyweight boxer won a gold medal in the 1964 Olympic Games?	Cassius CLAY - Olympic Boxing \| United States of America Olympic Games 1960 More than any other sportsman in history, Muhammad Ali transcended his sport to reach out to people as a role model and hero. Rome 1960 As Cassius Clay, Ali travelled to the 1960 Rome Games to compete in the light heavyweight division. Despite being only 18, he won all four of his fights easily. In the final he defeated three-time European champion Zbigniew Pietrzykowski to win the gold medal. Vietnam War Clay turned professional and won the heavyweight World Championship for the first time in 1964, beating Sonny Liston in a legendary fight. Over the next four years he defended his title nine times, converted to Islam and changed his name to Muhammad Ali. However, he was stripped of his title in 1967, when he refused to be drafted into the US army, citing religious and personal beliefs. He did not fight again for three and a half years. Thriller in Manila Ali regained his title in 1974 by knocking out George Foreman in a fight staged in the present-day Democratic Republic of Congo, (formerly Zaire) known as “the Rumble in the Jungle”. In 1975 he beat Joe Frazier in “the Thriller in Manila”. He eventually retired from boxing in 1981 with a professional record of 56 wins and 5 losses. Great honour In 1996, Ali was chosen to light the flame during the Opening Ceremony of the Atlanta Olympic Games. He has devoted much of his life to humanitarian affairs. In 1998 Ali was honoured with the United Nations Messenger of Peace award. Muhammad Ali passed away on June 3, 2016.	Joe Frazier
Cosmo Smallpiece was a character played by which English comedian?	The true Olympic boxing heavyweights - AIBA AIBA The true Olympic boxing heavyweights August 2, 2016 The history of the Olympic heavyweight (91kg) boxing category has been one of the most interesting in the 112-years of the competition. Argentina was the first country to dominate, winning three golds in the four editions between 1928 and 1948, but in the 1960s, it was an American duo that truly held court. Joe Frazier was a hard-working 20 year-old when the Tokyo 1964 Games came around, unhappily edged out of the US team by Buster Mathis. Nevertheless, Frazier travelled to Tokyo and got his break when Mathis was unable to compete, and would fully take advantage of his opportunity. Neither of his first two bouts went beyond the second round, and with the confidence of two big TKOs under his belt, the imposing Russian Vadim Yemelyanov was then brushed aside in the semi-final. The final against Germany’s Hans Huber was a tighter affair, but the gold medal launched a glittering career that included a famous rivalry with the great Muhammad Ali and the 1968 Olympic heavyweight gold medallist George Forman. Two Cuban boxers will forever be associated with the Olympic heavyweight title, however: Teofilo Stevenson and Felix Savon. Of the eight editions held between 1972 and 2000, the Cuban pair won six, as Stevenson went on an incredible 11-year undefeated run that brought gold in Munich in 1972, Montreal in 1976 and Moscow in 1980. Twelve years later, Felix Savon won the first of his three gold medals in Barcelona, with both athletes joining Hungarian legend Laszlo Papp as the only boxers ever to have won three Olympic titles. Savon’s nephew, Erislandy, will be hoping to follow in his Uncle’s footsteps as he represents Cuba at Rio 2016.	i don't know
Vladimir and Estragon are characters from which Samuel Beckett play?	SparkNotes: Waiting for Godot: Characters Waiting for Godot Summary Act I: Introduction & Pozzo and Lucky's Entrance Vladimir - One of the two main characters of the play. Estragon calls him Didi, and the boy addresses him as Mr. Albert. He seems to be the more responsible and mature of the two main characters. Estragon - The second of the two main characters. Vladimir calls him Gogo. He seems weak and helpless, always looking for Vladimir's protection. He also has a poor memory, as Vladimir has to remind him in the second act of the events that happened the previous night. Pozzo - He passes by the spot where Vladimir and Estragon are waiting and provides a diversion. In the second act, he is blind and does not remember meeting Vladimir and Estragon the night before. Lucky - Pozzo's slave, who carries Pozzo's bags and stool. In Act I, he entertains by dancing and thinking. However, in Act II, he is dumb. Boy - He appears at the end of each act to inform Vladimir that Godot will not be coming that night. In the second act, he insists that he was not there the previous night. Godot - The man for whom Vladimir and Estragon wait unendingly. Godot never appears in the play. His name and character are often thought to refer to God. More Help	Waiting for Godot
In humans, what is the name of the fibrous protein found in the outer layer of the skin and is a major constituent of hair and nails?	British Literature Wiki - Waiting for Godot Waiting for Godot Still from the Theatre Royal Haymarket's 2009 production of Waiting for Godot "Nothing to be done."--Estragon "They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more."--Pozzo "At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on."--Vladimir "I can't go on like this."--Estragon "That's what you think."--Vladimir Abstract Beckett translated the text of Waiting for Godot from French to English himself. When he did this, he included the subtitle, “A tragicomedy.” This portmanteau suggests that the play blends elements of tragedy and comedy together. At first, this definition seems somewhat impossible. How can something be both tragic and humorous at the same time? This paper analyzes specific themes throughout the play in an attempt to demonstrate just how accurate Beckett's description is. More specifically, it asserts that this tragicomic quality appears most often in the moments where the characters feel as if they lack control over death, time, Godot (standing in for the unrealized), and the self. Background Information Waiting for Godot is the most well-known play from the Theatre of the Absurd movement. It was written by Samuel Beckett and performed for the first time in Paris on January 5th, 1953. At its premier, the play shocked its audience as it presented a new type of theatre which used very unconventional methods. In fact, it is said to have nearly caused riots across Western Europe (Esslin 2). Godot's debut in the United States took place at San Quentin penitentiary in 1957. Unlike European audiences, the prisoners were able to identify with the play, primarily because they understood the concept of waiting (Esslin 19). Eventually, Waiting for Godot received the recognition it deserved and took its place as a classic of modern theatre. This anecdote is an excellent preface to reading or seeing Waiting for Godot because it prepares the audience to abandon any preconceptions they may have about theatre in order to better understand the piece. Death Most human beings adopt a passive stance and see themselves as powerless in the face of death. This is true to a certain extent--one cannot conquer death when it comes. Yet, there is still some amount of control one can exert over when he or she will die. This control lies in the ability of human beings to commit suicide. Vladimir and Estragon occasionally express this desire to take their own lives. In Act One, they debate hanging themselves from a tree but are afraid that the first will break the branch, thus leaving the other alive and on his own (Beckett 1.12-13). At first, the scene appears to be only tragic. The basic human instinct is survival, so when one not only lacks this instinct, but also seeks a means to directly counteract it--it invokes feelings of despair and regret from those witnessing it. Essentially, the act of suicide is tragic because the act itself takes away one's humanity. However, when they make their decision to refrain it becomes morbidly humorous: VLADIMIR: Well? What do we do? ESTRAGON: Don't let's do anything. It's safer (Beckett 1.13). What makes this scene humorous is that at surface, Estragon's response seems cowardly and illogical. When a person dies, he or she no longer exists in the world. Therefore, worldly concerns, like safety, become irrelevant. Initially, the audience finds Estragon's inability to make this differentiation laughable. Looking beneath the surface, however, we can see that his response is not pure nonsense. Vladimir and Estragon feel that they must continue living because death and the separation that it risks are too dangerous, or rather, obscure. Fearing a loss of the familiar, life is "safer." Clearly they fear the possible separation that could occur if the tree branch breaks. However there is more. They realize that while committing suicide may grant them temporary control over life, the state of being dead will throw them into a condition of helplessness once more. Therefore, Vladimir and Estragon feel as if they lack control in life and in death. The way in which this sentiment is conveyed is tragicomic due to its ability to speak to the audience on two different levels. Time Whereas death can be controlled to a certain extent, time is something which no one can exert any control over. Our attempts to organize time and to control its speed are mere illusions--time has no schedule, and it continues on despite our regulations. This does not mean, however, that our own perception of time cannot be altered. If one is busy, time appears to go by quickly; if one is idle, it goes by slowly. In Waiting for Godot, the tragic element (in regards to time) is that Vladimir and Estragon are idle. They spend the entire play waiting around for another man. Anyone who has spent a long amount of time waiting on another person knows how torturous it can be. The comedic relief is in their attempts to occupy themselves: VLADIMIR: What about trying them. ESTRAGON: I've tried everything. VLADIMIR: No, I mean the boots. ESTRAGON: Would that be a good thing? VLADIMIR: It'd pass the time (Beckett 2.78). These lines are humorous because their attempts to "pass the time," or to alter their own perception of time, are not very successful. Trying on a pair of boots can take no more than a few minutes, and is therefore, not going to occupy the pair for very long. They will soon have to find yet another way to entertain themselves. Essentially, Vladimir and Estragon are slaves to time in their constant state of waiting. It is tragic because they are no longer free to live their lives on their own terms. The pair recognize their own enslavement and rather than attempting to fight it (by walking away), they choose to operate within its frame by filling up the space with meaningless, yet humorous, activity. Godot (The Unrealized) Without diving too deeply into the debate over just what "Godot" stands for Reference - double click to edit , one can safely assert that despite his ambiguous identity, he functions as "the unrealized." Essentially, he is that thing for which we are all waiting, but have not yet received. By presenting this notion as a character, Beckett directly confronts Vladimir and Estragon with their own "unrealized." And furthermore, by never allowing Godot to appear onstage, Beckett brings yet another tragic element to the play. Neither Vladimir nor Estragon has any control over when Godot will appear; they are waiting helplessly at the mercy of another. Yet Godot's continual absence in the play suggests that he will never actually come and confronts the audience with the possibility that our pair is waiting in vain. Even if one does not care for the characters, he or she can sense their own similar condition in life and lament for themselves. Nevertheless, Beckett seems to be aware how heavy such an acknowledgement is, and so, he infuses their waiting with bits of subtle comedy: ESTRAGON: Let's go. ESTRAGON: Why not? VLADIMIR: We're waiting for Godot (Beckett 1.8). If most people were to spend entire days waiting for someone else, they would most likely remember that they were doing so. Moreover, they would probably be infuriated that the person had not yet come. Therefore, it is slightly amusing that Estragon frequently forgets that they are waiting for Godot. He appears to be undaunted by their difficult position, which gives the audience a lighter, more carefree, perspective in terms of "the unrealized." Essentially, it is almost as if Beckett is poking fun at the human condition. He is saying that we are powerless by way that we must wait, but if we do not focus on this fact, life is livable (shown by Estragon's suggestion that they stop waiting.) The Self Whereas death, time, and the unrealized, are all external forces that act without one's consent, the self is an internal thing that typically acts under one's consent. Vladimir and Estragon, however, frequently feel that they lack control over themselves. While self-control often refers to restraining oneself, it can also refer to one's ability to motivate him/herself. It is in the latter sense, that these characters lack self- control. They frequently express the desire to do a particular thing, but are unable to make themselves do it. These instances are almost always tragicomic. Relationships In the relationship between Vladimir and Estragon, this inability of the two to control themselves is particularly obvious. Each frequently expresses a desire to leave the other: ESTRAGON: I'm going. (He does not move) (Beckett 1.6). Ironically, Estragon says one thing and does another. It is the contradiction between the spoken word and the stage directions that provides the humor. (He expresses the desire to leave but lacks the control over himself to actually do so.) There seems to be a disconnect here between mind and body which is further emphasized when they try to discern why they never leave each other: ESTRAGON: You see, you feel worse when I'm with you. I feel better alone too. VLADIMIR: (vexed) Then why do you always come crawling back? ESTRAGON: I don't know (Beckett 2.115). The tragedy of their relationship is that they would be better off without each other. They are happier alone, but continue their relationship without knowing why. Most can relate to this sentiment, and furthermore, to how painful it is to see the better option and to choose the worst. Vladimir and Estragon state that they do not know why they do not control themselves; however, it seems to be a matter of familiarity. As human beings, we typically flock towards things that we know because our instinct is to be afraid of unfamiliar things. This is why Vladimir and Estragon remain together and precisely why they are not able to exert control over themselves. Habit The word "habit" suggests a forgetfulness of the self. When the mind is not conscious of itself, the body defaults to a series of routines that are familiar and do not require mental concentration. Essentially, habits are indicative of a loss of self-control. Vladimir and Estragon's established habits, which propel a large portion of the play in terms of action, are tragic and comedic at the same time. Vladimir frequently fiddles with his hat and Estragon with his boots: VLADIMIR: (He takes off his hat, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, puts it on again.)....(He takes off his hat again, peers inside it.) Funny. (He knocks on the crown as though to dislodge a foreign body, peers into it again, puts it on again.) Nothing to be done. (Estragon with a supreme effort succeeds in pulling off his boot. He peers inside it, feels about inside it, turns it upside down, shakes it, looks on the ground to see if anything has fallen out, finds nothing, feels inside it again, staring sightlessly before him) (Beckett 1.4). The routine is reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin's silent films, in which the humor comes solely from the actions of the actors and not from the dialogue (Esslin 335). It is humorous that they keep checking within their hats and boots as if something might be inside of them. The fact that they never actually find anything within these garments, is the tragic aspect of the scene. They are, in a sense, slaves to their own fruitless habits. Essentially, their lack of self-control sentences them to an existence which produces nothing valuable. All of these moments where Vladimir and Estragon lack self-control are comedic because one should be able to make himself or herself do something, especially when the tasks are as simple as those which the characters propose. At the same time, they are tragic solely because the characters honestly feel that they have no control over themselves: VLADIMIR: Nothing you can do about it. ESTRAGON: No use struggling. VLADIMIR: One is what one is. ESTRAGON: No use wriggling. VLADIMIR: The essential doesn't change (Beckett 1.17). They talk almost as if they operate outside of themselves--that they are not present in their own bodies--and therefore, have no control. Furthermore, with these lines, they admit that they are resigned to this lack of control because they feel it is useless to try--things will not change. Conclusion Essentially, Vladimir and Estragon cannot control neither themselves nor the outside forces that act upon them. This fact is tragic because one wonders why he/she should continue living in a world which renders him/her as completely and utterly powerless. This question is at the heart of absurdist theory and inspires the absurd notion that man's existence is without purpose. When one cannot control anything, it seems as if nothing one says or does can have any effect on the world. Essentially, the world becomes an isolated entity and our presence in it meaningless. (See the Theatre of the Absurd page for a more in-depth discussion of these theories.) Vladimir and Estragon's attempts to continue living despite this truth are the doorways for humor within Waiting for Godot. They give movement to the heavy, hard-hitting themes of the play. Thus, Vladimir and Estragon's powerless existence is simultaneously tragic and comedic. ==	i don't know
What is the capital of Hungary?	What is the Capital of Hungary? - Capital-of.com Dates of religious and Civil holidays around the world. www.when-is.com Capital of Hungary The Capital City of Hungary (officially named Republic of Hungary) is the city of Budapest. The population of Budapest in the year 2007 was 1,696,128 (2,451,418 in the metropolitan area). Hungary is a Hungarian speaking country that does not border with any sea. Additional Information	Budapest
The Jack Adams Award is a prize given to a team coach in which sport?	Hungary: Maps, History, Geography, Government, Culture, Facts, Guide & Travel/Holidays/Cities Languages: Magyar (Hungarian) 84.6%, other 16.4% Ethnicity/race: Hungarian 92.3%, Roma 1.9%, other or unknown 5.8% (2001) Religions: Roman Catholic 37.2%, Calvinist 11.6%, Lutheran 2.2%, Greek Catholic 1.8%, other 1.9%, none 18.2%, unspecified 27.2% (2011 est.) National Holiday: Saint Stephen's Day, August 20 Literacy rate: 99% (2011 est.) Economic summary: GDP/PPP (2013 est.): $196.6 billion; per capita $19,800 Real growth rate: 0.2%. Inflation: 1.9%. Unemployment: 10.5%. Arable land: 47.24%. Agriculture: wheat, corn, sunflower seed, potatoes, sugar beets; pigs, cattle, poultry, dairy products. Labor force: 4.263 million; agriculture 7.1%, industry 29.7%, services 63.2% (2010). Industries: mining, metallurgy, construction materials, processed foods, textiles, chemicals (especially pharmaceuticals), motor vehicles. Natural resources: bauxite, coal, natural gas, fertile soils, arable land. Exports: $92.98 billion (2013 est.): machinery and equipment 53.5%, other manufactures 31.2%, food products 8.7%, raw materials 3.4%, fuels and electricity 3.9% (2012). Imports: $89.52 billion (2013 est.): machinery and equipment 45.4%, other manufactures 34.3%, fuels and electricity 12.6%, food products 5.3%, raw materials 2.5% (2012). Major trading partners: Germany, Austria, France, Italy, UK, Romania, Poland, Russia, Netherlands, China, Slovakia (2012). Communications: Telephones: main lines in use: 2.96 million (2012); mobile cellular: 11.58 million (2012). Broadcast media: mixed system of state-supported public service broadcast media and private broadcasters; the 3 publicly-owned TV channels and the 2 main privately-owned TV stations are the major national broadcasters; a large number of special interest channels; highly developed market for satellite and cable TV services with about two-thirds of viewers utilizing their services; 3 state-supported public-service radio networks and 2 major national commercial stations; a large number of local stations including commercial, public service, nonprofit, and community radio stations; digital transition postponed to the end of 2014 (2007). Internet hosts: 3.145 million (2012). Internet users: 6.176 million (2009). Transportation: Railways: total: 8,057 km (2009). Roadways: total: 199,567 km; paved: 76,075 km (including 911 km of expressways); unpaved: 123,492 km (2010). Waterways: 1,622 km (most on Danube River) (2011). Ports and harbors: Budapest, Dunaujvaros, Gyor-Gonyu, Csepel, Baja, Mohacs. Airports: 41 (2013). International disputes: bilateral government, legal, technical and economic working group negotiations continue in 2006 with Slovakia over Hungary's failure to complete its portion of the Gabcikovo-Nagymaros hydroelectric dam project along the Danube; as a member state that forms part of the EU's external border, Hungary has implemented the strict Schengen border rules. Hundreds of Migrants Held in Hungary During Crisis of 2015 Geography This central European country is the size of Indiana. Most of Hungary is a fertile, rolling plain lying east of the Danube River and drained by the Danube and Tisza rivers. In the extreme northwest is the Little Hungarian Plain. South of that area is Lake Balaton (250 sq mi; 648 sq km). Government Parliamentary democracy. History By 14 B.C. , western Hungary was part of the Roman Empire's provinces of Pannonia and Dacia. The area east of the Danube was never part of the Roman Empire and was largely occupied by various Germanic and Asiatic peoples. In 896 all of Hungary was invaded by the Magyars, who founded a kingdom. Christianity was accepted during the reign of Stephen I (St. Stephen), 977–1038. A devastating invasion by the Mongols killed half of Hungary's population in 1241. The peak of Hungary's great period of medieval power came during the reign of Louis I the Great (1342–1382), whose dominions touched the Baltic, Black, and Mediterranean seas. War with the Turks broke out in 1389, and for more than 100 years the Turks advanced through the Balkans. When the Turks smashed a Hungarian army in 1526, western and northern Hungary accepted Hapsburg rule to escape Turkish occupation. Transylvania became independent under Hungarian princes. Intermittent war with the Turks was waged until a peace treaty was signed in 1699.	i don't know
Which US author said ‘ Habit is not to be thrown out of the window, but it is to be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time’?	How To Change a Habit and Make It Stick How To Change a Habit and Make It Stick How To Change a Habit and Make It Stick By Tweet on Twitter "A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time." – Mark Twain If you want to change a habit and make it stick, this post has the keys (and just in time for New Years resolutions.) While the saying may go, “where there’s a will there’s a way,” I find it’s way more effective to bet on techniques that work, or at least improve your chances for success. When it comes to change, stack the deck in your favor. Steps to Change a Habit Here are the key steps for making your change happen: Step 1. Start with a Compelling Why Step 2. Catch Yourself in the Habit Step 3. Choose Your New Response Step 1. Start with a Compelling "Why" Why do you need to change to this new behavior? If you don’t feel you need to, you aren’t going to do it. Meaningful change happens out of purpose or pain, not convenience. To bottom line it, if it’s not compelling, you won’t change. You need a strong, emotionally compelling reason to make the change. Are you doing it for yourself? Are you doing it for your kids? Find the reason that gives you the most inner strength. You’re going to need this during your trying times and your moments of choice. Change doesn’t have to take forever. Remember Ebenezer Scrooge — it was a life-changing event for him and it happened over night. The real key here though is having something to move towards or change to. It’ tough to just move away from a pattern. Instead, have a replacement pattern that you want to implement. Step 2. Catch Yourself in the Habit There are events in your day that trigger your habit. For example, maybe it’s every time you feel stressed, you reach for your habit to comfort you. It might just be part of your routine. For example, maybe you’ve baked it into your morning routine or when you come home at night. Make sure you identify these triggers and events up front, so you recognize them when they happen. What’s important is to know when it happens, so you can catch yourself. Catch yourself in the moment, and pause. It’s these moments that you’re going to introduce your chance to choose your new response. These are your choice points. Step 3. Choose Your New Response As Nike says, "Just do it." Implement your replacement pattern. This is where it counts. The key thing here is that you’re choosing your new response. This is where your compelling "Why" kicks in. If it doesn’t invoke enough emotion for you, then it’s not compelling enough. The key here is to make your new habit, feel good. You can do that by linking it to good feelings, such as playing your favorite song. You can also think the thoughts that serve you, such as "why" you’re making the change. You can also focus on "how" you’re making the change. Either way, you engage your mind and emotions to support you. It’s a tag team. Create Glide Paths to Make It Stick Another thing you can do here is create a glide-path for yourself. Make it easy to fall into your new success pattern. Structure your success, whether it’s visual cues or just making it easy to choose your new pattern. Do this planning up front; don’t try to figure this out on the fly while you’re in the thick of things. Flex Your Attitude of Gratitude One other key here is to reward your behavior along the way. Flex your attitude of gratitude and thank yourself for choosing your new pattern in your moment of choice. Rewarding your behavior along the way versus promising yourself some reward after the fact is the key to results. This will also reinforce linking it to good feelings. Example of Changing a Habit A simple example of putting this into action comes from a friend who used it on a habit of regular late-night snacking. Step 1: Why – genuinely wants to lose the extra weight, in particular for an upcoming reunion. Step 2: Catch Yourself in the Habit – snacking would typically be while watching movies, so starting a movie was the time to be watchful. Step 3: Choose Your New Response – they like edamame, which is much healthier, so have that ready when the movie starts (this is a Glide Path). Step 4: Gratitude – thank yourself for choosing the right behavior, connect it to a healthier slimmer self. Don’t try to "will" your way through it or suffer through it. The real key is knowing that you move from intellectual to emotional to physical. Once physical the new habit is firmly in place and the old one is gone for good.	Mark Twain
The UK’s first mobile phone call, in 1985, was across which network?	Habits Quotes Habits Quotes Watch your words, for they become actions . Watch your actions, for they become habits . Watch your habits, for they become character . Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. - Anonymous Correcting bad habits cannot be done by forbidding or punishment. - Robert Baden-Powell (the founder of scouting) Successful people are simply those with successful habits. - Brian Tracy You are defined by your habits - choose well. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie Please sign up for my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email using the form below. Thank You, Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email. Your E-Mail Address: Your Name: To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you. Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way. The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. - Samuel Johnson Whenever you are angry, be assured that it is not only a present evil, but that you have increased a habit. - Epictetus and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. - Mark Twain Who has fully realized that history is not contained in thick books but lives in our very blood? - Carl Jung Recognize that "suffering is optional," and develop daily habits that support living a joyful and productive life. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie You will always have habits - things you do regularly and without conscious thought - but you do have the ability to CHOOSE your habits. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie Habits are cobwebs at first, cables at last. - Chinese proverb We first make our habits, then our habits make us. - John Dryden Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of. - Proverb It is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them. - Benjamin Franklin Habits age men before their time. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. - Albert Einstein Before you can forgive others, you must be a person whose forgiveness matters. Before you can have gratitude for your life, you must believe that your life has value. Before your choices have value, you must feel that you yourself have value. Before you can dream a great dream for your future, you have to believe that your future matters. Before you can build positive habits of resolve and commitment, before you can begin to live into the Japanese proverb, "Fall seven times, stand up eight," you must believe that your life matters. Before you can celebrate your life, you must Honor it. And, before you can feel unity with, and Honor toward, Spirit and all creation, you must Honor yourself to feel worthy of that unity. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. - Mark Twain Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. - Albert Einstein During his training, a baseball player strives to make each swing better than the last. The repetition of a faulty swing would be worse than useless. It would ingrain bad habits. The same is true of emotional responses. If we allow ourselves to continue to have the same angry responses, we just entrench our anger habit. But if we strive - through consciousness, visualization, and coaching - to moderate our anger response, over time, we can train ourselves to respond to events as we choose - without anger. You can't magically be free from anger tomorrow, but you can put yourself on your own training program that will reduce the frequency and intensity of your anger response day by day, year by year. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie The awareness that health is dependent upon habits that we control makes us the first generation in history that to a large extent determines its own destiny. - Jimmy Carter Man is descended from a hairy, tailed quadruped, probably arboreal in its habits. - Charles Darwin It's not your salary that makes you rich, it's your spending habits. I think that you can fall into bad habits with comedy... It's a tightrope to stay true to the character, true to the irony, and allow the irony to happen. - Ben Kingsley An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. - W. Somerset Maugham The demands of the present must stand above the political habits of the past. - Matt Blunt I do have odd habits. I check under my bed every night for the bogeyman. That's just a little thing, though. - Tori Spelling Television is like the invention of indoor plumbing. It didn't change people's habits. It just kept them inside the house. - Alfred Hitchcock In the power of fixing the attention lies the most precious of the intellectual habits. - Robert Hall Out of my discomforts, which were small enough, grew one thing for which I have all my life been grateful, the formation of fixed habits of work. - Elizabeth Stuart Phelps You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'. - Wayne Dyer Poetry is one of the few nasty childhood habits I've managed to grow out of. - Tom Holt Long-lasting change that will help you create new habits and actions requires an inside-out approach, as well as two very important tools: the mirror and time. You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. - Dennis Miller I wouldn't say I've changed my mind. I changed some of my natural habits, some of my natural character. - Kurt Masur In all works on Natural History, we constantly find details of the marvellous adaptation of animals to their food, their habits, and the localities in which they are found. - Alfred Russel Wallace There are no good or bad habits. All habits are, by definition, bad. - Jose Bergamin Old habits are strong and jealous. - Dorothea Brande Achieve success in any area of life by identifying the optimum strategies and repeating them until they become habits. - Charles J. Givens My bad habits aren't my title. My strengths and my talent are my title. - Layne Staley Not managing your time and making excuses are two bad habits. Don't put them both together by claiming you "don't have the time". - Bo Bennett Vices are often habits rather than passions. - Antoine Rivarol Things start out as hopes and end up as habits. - Lillian Hellman I had never done any theater in high school, which actually worked to my benefit. I didn't develop any bad habits. - David James Elliott Habits are safer than rules; you don't have to watch them. And you don't have to keep them either. They keep you. Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive. - Edith Wharton The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger. - W. Somerset Maugham Your behavior is based on your beliefs, and what you do and say, over and over again, helps develop your habits. There is a great reform required in the education and habits of females. - Ezra Cornell I never for a day gave up listening to the songs of our birds, or watching their peculiar habits, or delineating them in the best way I could. - John James Audubon We tend to connect bad food and bad habits with romance and sex. - Marilu Henner Play reaches the habits most needed for intellectual growth. - Bruno Bettelheim I find it difficult to believe that words have no meaning in themselves, hard as I try. Habits of a lifetime are not lightly thrown aside. - Stuart Chase Throughout history, it took centuries for the habits of one culture to materially affect another. Now, that which becomes popular in one country can sweep through others within months. - Dee Hock Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconcious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character. - Stephen Covey You've got to get good habits of working hard so that when that play comes up during the regular season that you're able to complete it and do it the right way. - Al Kaline Our character is not so much the product of race and heredity as of those circumstances by which nature forms our habits, by which we are nurtured and live. - Marcus Tullius Cicero Try and vary your methods as you will, your tastes, your habits, your attitude of mind, and your soul is revealed by your actions. - Agatha Christie It is to be observed that every case of war averted is a gain in general, for it helps to form a habit of peace, and community habits long continued become standards of conduct. - Elihu Root Where evil habits are once settled, they are more easily broken than mended. - Marcus Fabius Quintilian Habits in writing as in life are only useful if they are broken as soon as they cease to be advantageous. - W. Somerset Maugham Habits are the daughters of action, but then they nurse their mother, and produce daughters after her image, but far more beautiful and prosperous. - Jeremy Taylor Moral habits, induced by public practices, are far quicker in making their way into men's private lives, than the failings and faults of individuals are in infecting the city at large. - Plutarch Fortunately, the Canadian people in all their habits, are essentially a temperate people. - William Lyon Mackenzie King We see and hear and otherwise experience very largely as we do because the language habits of our community predispose certain choices of interpretation. - Edward Sapir Expelled from individual consciousness by the rush of change, history finds its revenge by stamping the collective unconsciousness with habits and values. - Arthur M. Schlesinger Wise living consists perhaps less in acquiring good habits than in acquiring as few habits as possible. - Eric Hoffer Thank you for visiting: Habits Quotes. Please sign up on the form below to receive my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email. Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email. Your E-Mail Address: Your Name: To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you. Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way. You can also browse my large collection of Inspirational Quotes . May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie	i don't know
Which two countries joined the European Union on 1st January 2007?	European Union Countries European Union Countries European Union Countries Romania and Bulgaria New EU Members as of January 1, 2007 The European Union flag has a blue field, with 12 five-pointed gold stars arranged in a circle, representing the union of the peoples of Europe; the number of stars is fixed. Source: CIA World Factbook, 2007	romania and bulgaria
On which side of the road do motorists drive in Japan?	BBC NEWS \| Europe \| Romania and Bulgaria join the EU Romania and Bulgaria join the EU Officials celebrated as the EU flag was raised in Bucharest Huge celebrations have been held in Romania and Bulgaria to mark their accession to the European Union, 17 years after the fall of Communism. Tens of thousands attended concerts in the two capitals, Bucharest and Sofia. The Romanian president said EU entry was an "enormous chance for future generations", while Bulgaria's leader said it was a "heavenly moment". Their accession means the EU now has 27 members and half a billion people, and stretches as far east as the Black Sea. The day we are welcoming - 1 January 2007 - will undoubtedly find its place among the most important dates in our national history Georgi Parvanov Q&A: EU enlargement "It was hard, but we arrived at the end of the road. It is the road of our future. It is the road of our joy," Romanian President Traian Basescu said, as thousands of revellers cheered. "We arrived in Europe. Welcome to Europe," Mr Basescu said on stage in University Square, where he was joined by EU Enlargement Commissioner Olli Rehn and government ministers. Foreign ministers of Germany, Denmark, Austria and Hungary, who were also attending, wished Romanian citizens a happy new year. Earlier, the EU flag was raised outside the government headquarters in Bucharest to the European anthem, Beethoven's Ode to Joy. Watch the EU map grow In Sofia, a pyramid of light illuminated the sky, with rays emanating from the city's Orthodox cathedral, its Armenian church, a synagogue, a mosque and another church. Thousands of people in Battenberg Square cheered as midnight struck. Fireworks lit the sky over the building where the Communist Party once held its headquarters. In an emotional address to the nation, Bulgarian President Georgi Parvanov called the country's EU entry a "heavenly moment". "The day we are welcoming - 1 January 2007 - will undoubtedly find its place among the most important dates in our national history," he said. "But let's make it clear, our future success as a nation depends not on European funds and resources, but on our own work." 'Falling enthusiasm' The accession of the two new countries comes amid falling enthusiasm in Europe for the bloc's continuing expansion. A recent Eurobarometer poll suggested only 41% of people in the 15 states that were part of the EU before 2004 supported further enlargement. The two new countries will now be subject to strict monitoring, to ensure they make more progress in the fight against corruption and organised crime. They face export bans on certain foods, and Bulgaria has been warned that 55 of its aircraft could be grounded unless they reach EU safety standards. Analysts say there is a risk that EU aid will be mis-spent, or just not taken up because the countries' institutions are too disorganised. There are also fears that the countries' economies will fail to compete with the rest of the EU's once trade barriers come down. Immigration fears Both Bulgaria and Romania are much poorer than the rest of the EU, with GDP per capita of about 33% of the EU average, compared with 50% in Poland. Romania: Key facts Some Western European member states fear a flood of new immigrants, but officials in both countries say most of those who wanted to work abroad have already left. Most of the 15 older EU member states have put in place restrictions on the free movement of workers from the two new members - though Finland and Sweden are two exceptions. Also on 1 January, Slovenia became the first of the 10 states which joined the EU in 2004 to adopt the European currency, the euro. The existing Slovenian currency, the tolar will remain in dual use with the euro for 14 days. Germany also takes over from Finland for six months as the country holding the presidency of the European Union.	i don't know
Boo, Randall Boggs and Celia Mae are all characters in which 2001 animated film?	Boo \| Disney Magic Kingdoms Wiki \| Fandom powered by Wikia About Mary Gibbs, better known as Boo, is the tritagonist in Disney/Pixar's 2001 animated film, Monsters, Inc. Boo is a three-year-old toddler who is curious and naive. She can speak, but has a baby, gibberish vocabulary. The only actual words she says in the film are "Boo!", "Kitty!" and "Mike Wazowski!". Boo is unafraid of any monster except Randall, the scarer assigned to her door. She believes Sulley is a large cat and refers to him as "Kitty". The book based on the film gives Boo's "real" name as Mary Gibbs, the name of her voice actress. In the film, one of Boo's drawings is covered with the name "Mary". Interactions	Monsters, Inc.
Who wrote the 1855 epic poem ‘The Song of Hiawatha’?	Monsters, Inc. \| Voice Acting Wiki \| Fandom powered by Wikia Share Monsters, Inc. is a 2001 American computer-animated comedy film and the fourth feature-length film produced by Pixar. It was directed by Pete Docter, co-directed by Lee Unkrich and David Silverman, and written by Jill Culton, Peter Docter, Ralph Eggleston, Dan Gerson, Jeff Pidgeon, Rhett Reese, Jonathan Roberts, and Andrew Stanton. The film was released to theatres by Walt Disney Pictures in the United States on November 2, 2001, in Australia on December 26, 2001, and in the United Kingdom on February 8, 2002. It was a commercial and critical success, grossing over $525,366,597 worldwide. Review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes also reported extremely positive reviews with a 95% approval rating. Nearly 12 years after the film's release, Monsters, Inc. was released in 3D on January 18, 2013, while a prequel, Monsters University , was released a few months later in June 21, 2013. Contents	i don't know
Who played King Louis XIV of France and his twin brother Philippe in the 1977 film ‘The Man in the Iron Mask’?	The Man in the Iron Mask (TV Movie 1977) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. Error The Man in the Iron Mask ( 1977 ) 1h 40min The story of Louis XIV of France and his attempts to keep his identical twin brother Philippe imprisoned away from sight and knowledge of the public, and Philippe's rescue by the aging ... See full summary » Director: William Bast (screenplay), Alexandre Dumas père (based on the novel by) (as Alexandre Dumas) Stars: Famous Directors: From Sundance to Prominence From Christopher Nolan to Quentin Tarantino and every Coen brother in between, many of today's most popular directors got their start at the Sundance Film Festival . Here's a list of some of the biggest names to go from Sundance to Hollywood prominence. a list of 164 titles created 25 Nov 2011 a list of 22 titles created 20 Sep 2012 a list of 23 titles created 15 Feb 2015 a list of 372 titles created 11 Sep 2015 a list of 247 titles created 3 weeks ago Title: The Man in the Iron Mask (TV Movie 1977) 6.8/10 Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. Nominated for 2 Primetime Emmys. See more awards » Photos A young officer, falsely imprisoned by his jealous "friends," escapes and uses a hidden treasure to exact his revenge. Director: David Greene An English navigator becomes both pawn and player in the deadly political games in feudal Japan. Director: Jerry London It's 1649: Mazarin hires the impoverished D'Artagnan to find the other musketeers: Cromwell has overthrown the English king, so Mazarin fears revolt, particularly from the popular Beaufort.... See full summary » Director: Richard Lester A young swordsman comes to Paris and faces villains, romance, adventure and intrigue with three Musketeer friends. Director: Richard Lester The Four Musketeers defend the queen and her dressmaker from Cardinal Richelieu and Milady de Winter. Director: Richard Lester A English navigator becomes both a player and pawn in the complex political games in feudal Japan. Stars: Richard Chamberlain, Toshirô Mifune, Yôko Shimada The Bourne Identity (TV Mini-Series 1988) Action \| Adventure \| Drama A 1988 television adaptation of Robert Ludlum's thriller. An injured, unconscious man (Richard Chamberlain) washes ashore in a small French town. As he recovers, it becomes quite clear, someone is trying to kill him. Jaclyn Smith co-stars. Stars: Richard Chamberlain, Jaclyn Smith, Anthony Quayle Despotic King Louis XIV discovers he has a twin brother who has grown up under the tutelage of his foster father, the patriotic musketeer D'Artagnan. Director: James Whale A lad jousting with his tutor is kidnaped and carried to the Bastille where his head is locked in an iron mask. Jump ten years: Musketeers return from war in Morocco to find Paris starving ... See full summary » Director: William Richert Civil War has just finished, but things in the country aren't much better, especially in the South. Stars: Philip Casnoff, Kyle Chandler, Cathy Lee Crosby The Thorn Birds (TV Mini-Series 1983) Drama This mini series covers 60 years in the lives of the Cleary family, brought from New Zealand to Australia to run their aunt Mary Carson's ranch. The story centers on their daughter, Meggie,... See full summary » Stars: Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward, Christopher Plummer The trials of the Henry and Jastrow families in the early years of World War II. Stars: Robert Mitchum, Ali MacGraw, Jan-Michael Vincent Edit Storyline The story of Louis XIV of France and his attempts to keep his identical twin brother Philippe imprisoned away from sight and knowledge of the public, and Philippe's rescue by the aging Musketeers, led by D'Artagnan. Written by Jim Beaver <[email protected]> The Classic Adventure of Heroism, Betrayal and Triumph. Genres: 17 January 1977 (USA) See more » Also Known As: El hombre en la mascara de hierro See more » Filming Locations: Did You Know? Trivia Though made for television, this feature film was released theatrically in a number of territories around the world including Denmark, Hungary, East Germany and West Germany. See more » Goofs Phillipe identifies Cardinal Mazarin as his father's first prime minister. Louis XIII had at least one previous prime minister, Cardinal Richelieu. See more » Quotes (Edinburgh, United Kingdom) – See all my reviews I'm not usually drawn to French historical/3 Musketeer films but I switched over to a movie channel today and this had just started so I thought I would give it a go. Within minutes I was captivated by the wonderful acting and the deviously intricate plot. Richard Chamberlain is, here, a revelation. Nothing less. He excels in both of the very different roles he has to play. His depiction of King Louis XIV is quite mesmerising. The scene in which he arrogantly dances a ballet for his court is extraordinary. And, towards the end (I am trying not to spoil) Chamberlain - this time playing the other twin - is involved in another great dance moment, when he dances at a ball with the Queen and they have a private conversation as they dance, which is so well-written and performed that it will have you grinning with delight. Patrick McGoohan, Ian Holm, Ralph Richardson and the rest of the cast are also on top form. The sumptuous direction is equally superb. Unfortunately, as it was a TV movie, the quality of the sound and video tape has suffered a little over the years, and I suspect this may be the reason why it has not been shown so often. But the deterioration in the visual quality is overcome by the brilliance of the acting and direction, which really do shine through the primitive technology to make for a truly memorable film experience. I felt, watching some of this film, as if I was watching an opera. But if you don't like opera - don't let that put you off! It's the grandness of the story and the unashamedness of the acting/direction that I'm talking about. It is very rare that film-makers just throw caution to the winds and allow themselves to 'go for it' like this. Just watch it and you will know what I mean. 14 of 14 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes	Richard Chamberlain
Who was the first British reigning monarch to visit Australia?	Louis XIV \| Royal Family Wiki \| Fandom powered by Wikia Template:House of Bourbon(France) Louis XIV (Louis-Dieudonné) ( September 5 , 1638 – September 1 , 1715 ) ruled as King of France and of Navarre from May 14 1643 until his death just prior to his seventy-seventh birthday. He acceded to the throne a few months before his fifth birthday, but did not assume actual personal control of the government until the death of his First Minister ("premier ministre"), Jules Cardinal Mazarin , in 1661. Louis XIV, known as The Sun King (in French Le Roi Soleil) or as Louis the Great (in French Louis le Grand, or simply Le Grand Monarque, "the Great Monarch"), ruled France for seventy-two years—the longest reign of any French or other major European monarch. Louis XIV increased the power and influence of France in Europe, fighting three major wars —the Franco-Dutch War , the War of the League of Augsburg , and the War of the Spanish Succession —and two minor conflicts—the War of Devolution , and the War of the Reunions . Under his reign, France achieved not only political and military pre-eminence, but also cultural dominance with various cultural figures such as Molière , Racine , Boileau , La Fontaine , Lully , Rigaud , Le Brun and Le Nôtre . These cultural achievements contributed to the prestige of France, its people, its language and its king. One of France's greatest kings, Louis XIV worked successfully to create an absolutist and centralized state. Louis XIV became the archetype of an absolute monarch . The phrase "L'État, c'est moi" ("I am the State") is frequently attributed to him, though this is considered by historians to be a historical inaccuracy and is more likely to have been conceived by political opponents as a way of confirming the stereotypical view of the absolutism he represented. Quite contrary to that apocryphal quote, Louis XIV is actually reported to have said on his death bed: "Je m'en vais, mais l'État demeurera toujours." ("I am going away, but the State will always remain"). Contents Edit On his birth at the royal Château de Saint-Germain-en-Laye in 1638, his parents, Louis XIII of France and Anne of Austria , who had been childless for twenty-three years, regarded him as a divine gift; hence he was christened "Louis-Dieudonné" ("Dieudonné" meaning "God-given"); he also received the titles premier fils de France ("First Son of France") as well as the more traditional title Dauphin . Through Louis XIV's veins ran the blood of many of Europe's royal Houses. His paternal grandparents were Henri IV of France and Marie de' Medici , who were French and Italian respectively; while both his maternal grandparents were Habsburgs , Philip III of Spain and Margaret of Austria . In this manner, he counted as his ancestors various historical figures like Charles Quint and Frederick Barbarossa , both Holy Roman Emperors . He also found himself descended from the founder of the Rurik dynasty , Rurik the Viking , Charles I "le Téméraire", Duc de Bourgogne , the poet Charles, Duc d'Orléans , and Giovanni de' Medici , last of the great Condottieri . Most importantly, he traced his paternal lineage in unbroken male succession from Saint Louis, King of France . Louis XIII and Anne had a second child, Philippe d'Anjou (soon to be Philippe I, Duc d'Orléans ) in 1640. Louis XIII, however, did not trust in his wife's ability to govern France upon his demise. Thus he decreed that a regency council, of which Anne would be head, should rule in his son's name during his minority; this would have diminished the Queen Mother's power. Nevertheless, when Louis XIII died and his young son, Louis XIV, acceded on May 14 , 1643 , Anne had her husband's will annulled in the Parlement, did away with the Council and became sole Regent . She entrusted power to her chief minister, the Italian -born Cardinal Mazarin , who was despised in most French political circles because of his alien non-French background (although he had already become a naturalised French subject). File:Europe map 1648.PNG The Thirty Years' War , which had commenced in the previous reign, ended in 1648 with the Peace of Westphalia , made up of the Treaties of Münster and Osnabrück, the work of Cardinal Mazarin . This Peace ensured Dutch independence from Spain and the independence of the German princes in the Empire. It marked the apogee of Swedish power and influence in German and European affairs. However, it was France who had the most to gain in the Peace. Austria ceded to France all Habsburg lands and claims in Alsace, and the petty German states eager to remove themselves from Habsburg domination placed themselves under French protection, leading to the further dissolution of Imperial power. The Peace of Westphalia humiliated Habsburg ambitions in the Holy Roman Empire and Europe and laid rest to the idea of the Empire having secular dominion over the entire Christendom. File:Louis xiv 8 years old.jpg Just as the Thirty Years' War ended, a French civil war, known as the Fronde , which effectively curbed the French ability to make good the advantages gained in the Peace of Westphalia, commenced. Cardinal Mazarin continued the policies of centralization pursued by his predecessor, Armand Jean du Plessis, Cardinal Richelieu , seeking to augment the power of the Crown at the expense of the nobility. In 1648, he sought to levy a tax on the members of the Parlement , a court whose judges comprised mostly nobles or high clergymen. The members of the Parlement not only refused to comply, but also ordered all of Cardinal Mazarin's earlier financial edicts burned. When Cardinal Mazarin arrested certain members of the Parlement, Paris erupted in rioting and insurrection. A mob of angry Parisians broke into the royal palace and demanded to see their king. Led into the royal bedchamber, they gazed upon Louis XIV, who was feigning sleep, and quietly departed. Prompted by the possible danger to the royal family and the monarchy, Anne fled Paris with the king and his courtiers. Shortly thereafter, the signing of the Peace of Westphalia allowed the French army under Louis II de Bourbon, Prince de Condé to return to the aid of Louis XIV and of his royal court. By January 1649, the Prince de Condé had started besieging rebellious Paris; the subsequent Peace of Rueil temporarily ended the conflict. After the first Fronde (Fronde Parlementaire) ended, the second Fronde, that of the princes, began in 1650. Nobles of all ranks, from princes of the Blood Royal and cousins of the king, like Gaston Jean-Baptiste, Duc d'Orléans , his daughter, Anne-Marie-Louise d'Orléans, Duchesse de Montpensier , Louis II de Bourbon, Prince de Condé , Armand de Bourbon-Condé, Prince de Conti , and Anne-Geneviève de Bourbon-Condé, Duchesse de Longueville ; to nobles of legitimated royal descent, like Henri II d'Orléans, Duc de Longueville , and François de Vendôme, Duc de Beaufort ; and nobles of ancient families, like François VI, Duc de La Rochefoucauld , Frédéric-Maurice de La Tour d'Auvergne, Duc de Bouillon , his brother, Henri de La Tour d'Auvergne, Vicomte de Turenne , and Marie de Rohan-Montbazon, Duchesse de Chevreuse , participated in the rebellion against royal rule. Even the clergy was represented by Jean François Paul de Gondi, Cardinal de Retz . The result of these tumultuous times, when the Queen Mother reputedly sold her jewels to feed her children, was a king filled with a permanent distrust for the nobility and the mob. End of war and personal reign Edit War with Spain , however, continued. The French received aid in this military effort from England , then governed by Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell . The Anglo-French alliance achieved victory in 1658 with the Battle of the Dunes . The subsequent Treaty of the Pyrenees , signed in 1659, fixed the border between France and Spain at the Pyrenees ; according to its terms, Spain ceded various provinces and towns to France in the Spanish Netherlands and Roussillon. The treaty signalled a change in the Balance of Power with the decline of Spain and the rise of France. By the abovementioned treaty, Louis XIV became engaged to marry the daughter of Philip IV of Spain , Maria Theresa (Marie-Thérèse d'Autriche). They were married on June 9 , 1660 ; under the terms of the marriage contract, upon and in return for the full payment of a large dowry (50,000 gold écus ), to be paid in three installments, Maria Theresa would find herself satisfied and agree to renounce all claims to the Spanish Monarchy and its territories. The dowry, however, was left unpaid since Spain was bankrupt, thus theoretically rendering the renunciation null and void. File:Louis XIV wedding.jpg The French treasury, after a long war, stood close to bankruptcy when Louis XIV assumed, upon the death of his Premier Ministre, personal control of the reins of government in 1661. Louis XIV, after having eliminated Nicolas Fouquet and abolished his position of Surintendant des Finances , appointed Jean-Baptiste Colbert as Contrôleur-Général des Finances in 1665. While it is true that Fouquet had committed no other financial indiscretions which Mazarin had committed before him or Colbert would after and that he had, during the war with Spain and the Fronde, effectively performed his duties as Surintendant des Finances and had been a loyal supporter of the king, his growing ambition, that is to take the place of Richelieu and Mazarin as Premier Ministre, was such that Louis had to rid himself of him if he was to rule alone. The commencement of Louis' personal reign was marked by a series of administrative and fiscal reforms. Colbert reduced the national debt through more efficient taxation. His principal means of taxation included the aides , the douanes , the gabelle , and the taille . The aides and douanes were customs duties, the gabelle a tax on salt, and the taille a tax on land. While Colbert did not abolish the historic tax exemption enjoyed by the nobility and clergy, he did improve the methods of tax collection then in use. He also had wide-ranging plans to strengthen France through commerce and trade. His administration ordained new industries and encouraged manufacturers and inventors, such as the Lyons silk manufactures and the Manufacture des Gobelins , which produced and still produces tapestries. He also brought professional manufacturers and artisans from all over Europe, such as glassmakers from Murano , or ironworkers from Sweden or ship-builders from the United Provinces . In this manner, he sought to decrease French dependence on foreign imported goods while increasing French exports and hence to decrease the flow of gold and silver out of France. Colbert also made improvements to the navy to increase French naval prestige and to gain control of the high seas in times of war and of peace, improvements to the merchant marine to remove, at least partially, control of French commerce from Dutch hands, and improvements to the highways and the waterways of France which decreased the costs and time of transporting goods around the kingdom. Outside of France, Colbert supported and encouraged the development of colonies in the Americas, Africa and Asia not only to provide markets for French exports, but also to provide resources for French industries. He ranks as one of the fathers of the school of thought regarding trade and economics known as mercantilism — in fact, France calls "mercantilism" Colbertisme, and his policies effectively increased French State revenue for the king. File:Louis XIV Coin.jpg While Colbert, his family, clients and allies at Court, focussed on the economy and maritime matters, another faction at Court, with Michel Le Tellier and his son François-Michel Le Tellier, Marquis de Louvois at its head, turned their attention to matters military. By creating these two opposing factions, Louis XIV sought to play them off against one another and thus create a sense of checks-and-balances ensuring that no one group would attain such power and influence at Court as to destabilize his reign. Le Tellier and Louvois had an important role to play in the government, curbing the spirit of independence of the nobility at Court and in the army. Gone were the days when army generals, without regard to the bigger political and diplomatic picture, protracted war at the frontier and disobeyed orders coming from the capital, while quarrelling and bickering with each other over rank and status. Gone too were the days when positions of seniority and rank in the army were the sole possession of the old aristocracy. Louvois, in particular, pledged himself to modernizing the army, organizing it into a new professional, disciplined and well-trained force out of the old; he sought to contrive and direct campaigns and devoted himself to providing for the soldiers' material well-being and morale, and he did so admirably. Like Colbert and Louis XIV, Louvois was exceedingly hardworking. Louvois was one of the greatest of the rare class of great war ministers, comparable to Lazare Carnot . File:Louis-xiv-lebrunl.jpg Louis also instituted various legal reforms. The major legal code, both civil and criminal, formulated by Louis XIV, the Code Louis, or the ordonnances sur la réformation de la justice civile et criminelle, also played a large part in France's legal history as it was the basis for Napoleon I's Code Napoléon, which is itself the basis for the modern French legal codes. It sought to provide France with a single system of law where there were two, customary law in the north and Roman law in the south. The Code forestier sought to control and oversee the forestry industry in France, protecting forests from destruction. The Code Noir granted sanction to slavery (though it did extend a measure of humanity to the practice such as prohibiting the separation of families), but no person could disown a slave in the French colonies unless he were a member of the Roman Catholic Church, and a Catholic priest had to baptise each slave. The Sun King proved an incredibly generous spender, dispensing large sums of money to finance the royal court . He brought the Académie Française under his patronage, and became its "Protector". He also operated as a patron of the arts, funding literary and cultural figures such as Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (or "Molière"), Charles Le Brun , and Jean-Baptiste Lully . It was under his reign and patronage that Classical French literature flourished with such writers as Molière , who mastered the art of comic satire and whose works still have a major impact on modern French literature and culture, Jean Racine , whose stylistic elegance is considered exceptional in its harmony, simplicity and poetry, or Jean de La Fontaine , the most famous French fabulist whose works are to this day learnt by generations of French students. The visual arts also found in Louis XIV the ultimate patron for he funded and commissioned various artists, such as Charles Le Brun , Pierre Mignard , Antoine Coysevox , André Le Nôtre and Hyacinthe Rigaud whose works became famed throughout Europe. In music, composers and musicians like Jean-Baptiste Lully , Jacques Champion de Chambonnières and François Couperin occupied the scene. Lully introduced opera to France and founded French Opera and, with Molière , popularized the Comédie-Ballet, while Couperin's famous book L'Art de toucher le clavecin greatly influenced Bach , Strauss and Maurice Ravel . File:Louvre Kolonnaden.JPG Louis XIV ordered the construction of the military complex known as the Hôtel des Invalides to provide a home for officers and soldiers who had served him loyally in the army, but whom either injury or age had rendered infirm. While methods of pharmaceuticals at the time were quite elementary, the Hôtel des Invalides pioneered new treatments frequently and set a new standard for the rather barbarous hospice treatment styles of the period. Louis XIV considered its construction one of the greatest achievements of his reign, which, along with the Chateau de Versailles , is one of the largest and most extravagant monuments in Europe, extolling a king and his country. He also improved the Palais du Louvre , as well as many other royal residences. Originally, when planning additions to the Louvre, Louis XIV had hired Gian Lorenzo Bernini as architect. However, his plans for the Louvre would have called for the destruction of much of the existing structure, replacing it with a most awkward-looking Italian summer villa in the centre of Paris. In his place, Louis chose the French architect Claude Perrault , whose work on the "Perrault Wing" of the Louvre is widely-celebrated. Against a shadowed void, and with pavilions at either end, the simplicity of the ground-floor basement is set off by the rhythmically paired Corinthian columns and crowned by a distinctly non-French classical roof. Through the centre rose a pedimented triumphal arch entrance. Perrault's restrained classicizing baroque Louvre would provide a model for grand edifices throughout Europe and America for ages. File:Anne& marie.jpg After Louis XIV's father-in-law and uncle, Philip IV of Spain , died in 1665, Philip IV's son (by his second wife) became Charles II of Spain . Louis XIV claimed that Brabant , a territory in the Low Countries ruled by the King of Spain, had "devolved" to his wife, Marie-Thérèse, Charles II's elder half-sister by their father's first marriage. He argued that the custom of Brabant required that a child should not suffer from his or her father's remarriage, hence having precedence in inheritance over children of the second or subsequent marriages. Louis personally participated in the campaigns of the ensuing War of Devolution , which broke out in 1667. Problems internal to the Republic of the Seven United Provinces (the Netherlands) aided Louis XIV's designs on the Low Countries. The most prominent political figure in the United Provinces at the time, Johan de Witt , Grand Pensionary , feared the ambition of the young William III, Prince of Orange , who in seeking to seize control might thus deprive De Witt of supreme power in the Republic and restore the House of Orange to the influence it had hitherto enjoyed until the death of William II, Prince of Orange . Therefore, with the United Provinces in internal conflict between supporters of De Witt and those of William of Orange, the "States faction" and the "Orange faction" respectively, and with England preoccupied in the Second Anglo-Dutch War with the Dutch, who were being supported, in accordance with the terms of the treaties signed between them, by their ally, Louis XIV, France easily conquered both Flanders and Franche-Comté . Shocked by the rapidity of French successes and fearful of the future, the United Provinces turned on their former friends and put aside their differences with England and, when joined by Sweden , formed a Triple Alliance in 1668. Faced with the threat of the spread of war and having signed a secret treaty partitioning the Spanish succession with the Emperor, the other major claimant, Louis XIV agreed to make peace. Under the terms of the Treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle (1668), France retained Flanders, including the great fortress of Lille , but returned Franche-Comté to Spain. File:Louis le Grand; Harnas.jpg The Triple Alliance did not last very long. In 1670, Charles II, lured by French bribes and pensions, signed the secret Treaty of Dover , entering into an alliance with France; the two kingdoms, along with certain Rhineland German princes, declared war on the United Provinces in 1672, sparking off the Franco-Dutch War . The rapid invasion and occupation of most of the Netherlands precipitated a coup, which toppled De Witt and allowed William III, Prince of Orange, to seize power. William III entered into an alliance with Spain, the Emperor and the rest of the Empire; and a treaty of peace with England was signed in 1674, the result of which was England's withdrawal from the war and the marriage between William III, Prince of Orange, and the Princess Mary , niece of the English King Charles II . Facing a possible Imperial advance on his flank while in the Low Countries in that year, Louis XIV ordered his army to withdraw to more defensible positions. Despite these diplomatic and military reverses, the war continued with brilliant French victories against the overwhelming forces of the opposing coalition. In a matter of weeks in 1674, the Spanish territory of Franche Comté fell to the French armies under the eyes of the king; while the Prince de Condé defeated a much larger combined army, with Austrian, Spanish and Dutch contingents, under the Prince of Orange, preventing them from descending on Paris. In the winter of 1674-1675, the outnumbered Vicomte de Turenne, through a most daring and brilliant of campaigns, inflicted defeat upon the Imperial armies under Montecuccoli, drove them out of Alsace and back across the Rhine, and recovered the province for Louis XIV. Through a series of feints, marches and counter-marches towards the end of the war, Louis XIV led his army to besiege and capture Ghent, an action which dissuaded Charles II and his English Parliament from declaring war upon France and which allowed him, in a very superior position, to force the allies to the negotiating table. After six years, Europe was exhausted by war, and peace negotiations commenced, being accomplished in 1678 with the Treaty of Nijmegen . While Louis XIV returned all captured Dutch territory, he gained more towns and associated lands in the Spanish Netherlands and retained Franche-Comté, which had been captured by Louis and his army in a matter of weeks. As he was in a position to make demands which were much more exorbitant, Louis' actions were celebrated as evidence of his virtues of moderation in victory. File:Geromeconde.jpg The Treaty of Nijmegen further increased France's influence in Europe, but did not satisfy Louis XIV. The King dismissed his foreign minister, Simon Arnauld, marquis de Pomponne , in 1679, as he was viewed as having compromised too much with the allies and for being too much of a pacifist. Louis XIV also kept up his army, but instead of pursuing his claims through purely military action, he utilised judicial processes to accomplish further territorial aggrandizement. Thanks to the ambiguous nature of treaties of the time, Louis was able to claim that the territories ceded to him in previous treaties ought to be ceded along with all their dependencies and lands which had formerly belonged to them, but had separated over the years, as had in fact been stipulated in the peace treaties. French Chambers of Reunion were appointed to ascertain which territories formally belonged to France; the French troops later occupied them. The annexation of these lesser territories was designed to give France a more defensible frontier, the "pré carré" suggested by Vauban . Louis sought to gain cities such as Luxembourg, for its strategic offensive and defensive position on the frontier, as well as Casale, which would give him access to the Po River valley in the heart of Northern Italy. Louis also desired to gain Strasbourg , an important strategic outpost through which various Imperial armies had in the previous wars crossed over the Rhine to invade France. Strasbourg was a part of Alsace , but had not been ceded with the rest of Habsburg-ruled Alsace in the Peace of Westphalia . It was nonetheless occupied by the French in 1681 under Louis' new legal pretext, and, along with other occupied territories, such as Luxembourg and Casale, was ceded to France for a period of twenty years by the Truce of Ratisbon. Height of power in the 1680s File:Portrait louis xiv.jpg By the early 1680s, Louis XIV had greatly augmented his and France's influence and power in Europe and the world. Louis XIV's most famous minister, Jean-Baptiste Colbert , who died in 1683, exercised a tremendous influence on the royal treasury and coffers — the royal revenue had tripled under his supervision. The princes of Europe began to imitate France and Louis XIV in everything from taste in art, food and fashion to political systems; many even took to taking official mistresses simply because it was done at Versailles. Outside Europe, French colonies abroad were multiplying in the Americas , Asia and Africa , while diplomatic relations had been initiated with countries as far afield as Siam, India and Persia. For example, the explorer René Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle claimed and named, in 1682, the basin of the Mississippi River in North America "Louisiane" in honour of Louis XIV (Both the Louisiana Territory and the State of Louisiana in the United States formed part of Louisiane), while French Jesuits and missionaries could be seen at the Manchu Court in China . In France too, Louis XIV sought to and succeeded in establishing and increasing the influence and central authority of the King of France at the expense of the Church and the nobles. Louis sought to reinforce traditional Gallicanism , a doctrine limiting the authority of the Pope in France. He convened an assembly of clergymen (Assemblée du Clergé) in November 1681. Before it was dissolved in June 1682, it had agreed to the Declaration of the Clergy of France . The power of the King of France was increased in contrast to the power of the Pope, which was reduced. The Pope was not allowed to send papal legates to France without the king's consent; such legates as could enter France, furthermore, required further approval before they could exercise their power. Bishops were not to leave France without the royal approbation; no government officials could be excommunicated for acts committed in pursuance of their duties; and no appeal could be made to the Pope without the approval of the king. The king was allowed to enact ecclesiastical laws, and all regulations made by the Pope were deemed invalid in France without the assent of the monarch. The Declaration, however, was not accepted by the Pope for obvious reasons. File:LudwikXIV monumentAtVersaillesEntry.jpg Louis also achieved immense control over the Second Estate, that is of the nobility, in France by essentially attaching much of the higher nobility to his orbit at his palace at Versailles, requiring them to spend the majority of the year under his close watch instead of in their own local communities and power-bases plotting rebellion and insurrection. It was only in this way were they able to gain pensions and privileges necessary to their rank. He entertained his permanent visitors with extravagant parties and other distractions, which were significant factors contributing to Louis' power and control over his hitherto unruly nobility. Thus, Louis was continuing the work of the Cardinals Richelieu and Mazarin. He, as a result of the experiences derived from the Fronde, believed that his power would prevail only if he filled the high executive offices with commoners, or at least members of the relatively newer aristocracy (the "noblesse de robe"), because, he believed, while he could reduce a commoner to a nonentity by simply dismissing him, he could not destroy the influence of a great nobleman of ancient lineage as easily. Thus Louis XIV forced the older aristocracy to serve him ceremonially as courtiers, whilst he appointed commoners or newer nobles as ministers and regional intendants. As courtiers, the power of the great nobles grew ever weaker. The diminution of the power of the high aristocracy could be witnessed in the lack of such rebellions as the Fronde after Louis XIV. In fact, the victory of the Crown over the nobles finally achieved under Louis XIV ensured that the Fronde was the last major civil war to plague France until the Revolution and the Napoleonic Age. File:VersaillesCourHonneur.jpg Louis XIV had the Château of Versailles outside Paris, originally a hunting lodge built by his father, converted into a spectacular royal palace in a series of four major and distinct building campaigns. By the end of the third building campaign, the Château had taken on most of the appearance that it retains to this day, except for the Royal Chapel in the last decade of the reign. He officially moved there, along with the royal court, on May 6 , 1682 . Louis had several reasons for creating such a symbol of extravagant opulence and stately grandeur, and for shifting the seat of the monarch. The assertion that he did so because he hated Paris, however, is flawed as he did not cease to embellish his capital with glorious monuments while improving and developing it. Versailles served as a dazzling and awe-inspiring setting for state affairs and for the reception of foreign dignitaries, where the attention was not shared with the capital and the people, but was assumed solely by the person of the king. Court life centered on magnificence; courtiers lived lives of expensive luxury, dressed with suitable magnificence and constantly attended balls, dinners, performances, and celebrations. Thus, many noblemen had perforce either to give up all influence, or to depend entirely on the king for grants and subsidies. Instead of exercising power and potentially creating trouble, the nobles vied for the honour of dining at the king's table or the privilege of carrying a candlestick as the king retired to his bedroom. File:Doge of genoa.jpg By 1685, Louis XIV stood at the apogee of his power. One of France's chief rivals, the Holy Roman Empire , was occupied in fighting the Ottoman Empire in the War of the Holy League , which began in 1683 and lasted till 1699. The Ottoman Grand Vizier had almost captured Vienna , but at the last moment King John III Sobieski of Poland led an army of Polish, German and Austrian forces to final victory at the Battle of Vienna in 1683. In the meantime, Louis XIV, by the Truce of Ratisbon, had acquired control of several territories, including Luxembourg and Strasbourg , which covered the frontier and protected France from foreign invasion. After repelling the Ottoman attack on Vienna, the Holy Roman Empire was no longer in grave imminent danger from the Turks, but the Emperor nevertheless did not attempt to regain the territories annexed by Louis XIV, but rather acquiesced to the fait accompli of the Truce. After having his city bombarded by the French in 1685 from the sea as punishment for having supported the Spanish and having granted them use of Genoese ships in the Franco-Dutch War, the Doge of Genoa travelled to Versailles where he was received amidst courtly magnificence and made his apologies and peace to Louis XIV. Louis XIV's Queen, Marie-Thérèse, died in 1683. He remarked on her demise that that was the only one occasion in which she had caused him anguish. Although he was said to have performed his marital duties every night, he had not remained utterly faithful to her for long after their union in 1660: his mistresses included Louise de la Valliere, Duchesse de Vaujours , Françoise-Athénaïs de Rochechouart de Mortemart, Marquise de Montespan , and Marie-Angelique de Scoraille, Duchesse de Fontanges . As a result, he produced many illegitimate children, later intermarrying them into families of the highest pedigree, even into branches of the Royal family itself. Many scions of these resultant illegitimate royal cadet branches would go on to claim positions of power and influence in the next century. He proved, however, more faithful to his second wife, Françoise d'Aubigné, Marquise de Maintenon . The marriage between Louis XIV and Madame de Maintenon, which probably occurred in late 1685, was secret and morganatic , and would last to his death. File:Madame de Maintenant.jpg Madame de Maintenon, once a Protestant, had converted to Roman Catholicism. It was once believed that she vigorously promoted the persecution of the Protestants, and that she urged Louis XIV to revoke the Edict of Nantes (1598), which granted a degree of religious freedom to the Huguenots (the members of the Protestant Reformed Church ). However, this view of her participation is now being questioned. Louis XIV himself supported such a plan; he believed, along with the rest of Europe, Catholic or Protestant, that, in order to achieve national unity, he had to first achieve a religiously unified nation—specifically a Catholic one in his case. This was enshrined in the principle of "cuius regio, eius religio", which defined religious policy throughout Europe since its establishment, by the Peace of Augsburg, in 1555. He had already begun the persecution of the Huguenots by quartering soldiers in their homes, though it was theoretically within his feudal rights, and hence legal, to do so with any of his subjects. Louis continued his attempt to achieve a religiously united France by issuing an Edict in March 1685. The Edict affected the French colonies, and expelled all Jews from them. The public practice of any religion except Roman Catholicism became prohibited. In October 1685, Louis XIV issued the Edict of Fontainebleau , revoking that of Nantes, on the pretext that the near-extinction of Protestantism and Protestants in France made any edict granting them privileges redundant. The new edict banished from the realm any Protestant minister who refused to convert to Roman Catholicism. Protestant schools and institutions were banned. Children born into Protestant families were to be forcibly baptised by Roman Catholic priests, and Protestant places of worship were demolished. The Edict precluded individuals from publicly practising or exercising the religion, but not from merely believing in it. The Edict provided "liberty is granted to the said persons of the Pretended Reformed Religion [Protestantism] ... on condition of not engaging in the exercise of the said religion, or of meeting under pretext of prayers or religious services." Although the Edict formally denied Huguenots permission to leave France, about 200,000 of them left in any case, taking with them their skills in commerce and trade. The Edict proved economically damaging though not ruinous; and while Sébastien Le Prestre, Seigneur de Vauban , one of Louis XIV's most influential generals, publicly condemned the measure, its proclamation was widely celebrated throughout France. The League of Augsburg Edit The wider political and diplomatic result of the revocation of the Edict of Nantes, however, was to provoke increased anti-French sentiment in Protestant countries. In 1686, both Catholic and Protestant rulers joined in the League of Augsburg , ostensibly a defensive pact to protect the Rhine, but really designed as an offensive alliance against France. The coalition included the Holy Roman Emperor and several of the German states that formed part of the Empire — most notably the Palatinate , Bavaria , and Brandenburg . The United Provinces, Spain and Sweden also adhered to the League. Louis XIV sent his troops into the Palatinate in 1688 after the ultimatum to the German princes to ratify the Truce of Ratisbon and confirm his possession of annexed territories, as well as to recognise his sister-in-law's claims, expired. Ostensibly, the army had the task of supporting the claims of Louis XIV's sister-in-law, Charlotte-Elizabeth, Duchesse d'Orléans , to the Palatinate. (The Duchesse d'Orléans's nephew had died in 1685, and the comital Crown had gone, not to her, but to the junior Neuburg branch of the family.) The invasion had the actual aim, however, of applying diplomatic pressure and forcing the Palatinate to leave the League of Augsburg, and thus weakening it. Louis XIV's activities united the German princes behind the Holy Roman Emperor. Louis had expected that England, under the Catholic James II , would remain neutral. In 1688, however, the " Glorious Revolution " resulted in the deposition of James II and his replacement by his daughter, Mary II of England , who ruled jointly with her husband, William III of England (Prince of Orange). As William III had developed an enmity against Louis XIV during the Dutch War, he pushed England into the League of Augsburg, which then became known as the Grand Alliance . File:Equestrian portrait louis xiv 1692.jpg The campaigns of the War of the Grand Alliance (1688–1697) generally proceeded favorably for France. The forces of the Holy Roman Emperor proved ineffective, as many Imperial troops still concentrated on fighting the Ottoman Empire and the Germans generally took to the field much later than the French. Thus France could accumulate a string of victories from Flanders in the north, to the Rhine valley in the east, to Italy and Spain in the south, as well as on the high seas and in the colonies. Louis XIV aided James II in his attempt to regain the British crown, but the Stuart king was unsuccessful, losing his last stronghold in Ireland a year after the Battle of the Boyne in 1690. Williamite England could then devote more of her funds and troops to the war on the continent. Nonetheless, despite the size of the opposing coalition, which encompassed most of Europe, French forces in Flanders under the famous pupil of the Great Condé , François Henri de Montmorency-Bouteville, duc de Piney (called the Duc de Luxembourg), crushed the allied armies at the Battle of Fleurus in the same year as the Battle of the Boyne, as well as at the Battle of Steenkerque (1692) and the Battle of Neerwinden (1693). Under the personal supervision of Louis XIV, the French army captured Mons in 1691 and the hitherto impregnable fortress of Namur in 1692;thus, with the capture of Charleroi by Luxembourg in 1693 after his victory at Neerwinden, France gained the advanced defensive line of the Sambre. At the battles of Marsaglia and Staffarde , France was victorious over the allied forces under Victor Amadeus, Duke of Savoy , overrunning his dominion and reducing the territory under his effective command to the area around Turin. In the southeast, along the Pyrenees, the Battle of the Ter opened Catalonia to French invasion. The French naval victory at the Battle of Beachy Head in 1690, however, was offset by the Anglo-Dutch naval victory at the Battles of Barfleur and La Hougue in 1692; but neither side was able to entirely defeat the opposing navy. The war continued for four more years, until the Duke of Savoy signed a separate peace and subsequent alliance with France in 1696, undertaking to join with French arms in a capture of the Milanese and allowing French armies in Italy to reinforce others; one of these reinforced armies, that of Spain, captured Barcelona. File:Marshal luxembourg.jpg The War of the Grand Alliance eventually ended with the Treaty of Ryswick in 1697. Louis XIV surrendered Luxembourg and all other "Réunion" territories he had seized since the end of the Dutch War in 1679, but retained Strasbourg , assuring the Rhine as the border between France and the Empire. He also gained de jure recognition of his hitherto de facto possession of Haiti , as well as the return of Pondicherry and Acadia . Louis also undertook to recognise William III and Mary II as Joint Sovereigns of Great Britain and Ireland, and assured them that he would no longer assist James II; at the same time he renounced intervention in the electorate of Cologne and claims to the Palatinate in return for financial compensation. Spain recovered Catalonia and the many territories lost, both in this war and the previous one (War of the Reunions), in the Low Countries. Louis XIV returned Lorraine to her duke, but on terms which allowed French passage at any time and which severely restricted the Duke's political manoeuvrability. The Dutch were allowed to garrison forts in the Spanish Netherlands, the "Barrier", to protect themselves against possible French aggression. The generous terms of the treaty were seen as concessions to Spain designed to foster pro-French sentiment, which would eventually lead Charles II, King of Spain to declare Philippe, Duc d'Anjou (Louis' grandson) his heir. Moreover, despite such seemingly disadvantageous terms in the Treaty of Ryswick , French influence was still at such a height in all of Europe that Louis XIV could offer his cousin, François Louis, Prince de Conti , the Polish Crown, duly have him elected by the Sejm and proclaimed as King of Poland by the Polish primate, Michał Radziejowski. However, Conti's own tardiness in proceeding to Poland claiming the throne allowed his rival, Augustus II the Strong, Elector of Saxony to seize the throne and have himself crowned king. The Spanish Succession File:Europa 1700 en.jpg The great matter of the succession to the Spanish Monarchy dominated European foreign affairs following the Peace of Ryswick. The Spanish King Charles II , severely incapacitated, could not father an heir. The Spanish inheritance offered a much sought-after prize for Charles II ruled not only Spain, but also Naples , Sicily , the Milanese , the Spanish Netherlands and a vast colonial empire —in all, twenty-two different realms. France and Austria were the main claimants to the throne, both of which had close family ties to the Spanish royal family. Philippe, Duc d'Anjou (later Philip V of Spain), the French claimant, was the great-grandson of the eldest daughter of Philip III of Spain , Anne of Austria, and the grandson of the eldest daughter of Philip IV of Spain , Marie-Thérèse of Austria. The only bar to inheritance lay with their renunciation to the throne, which in the case of Marie-Thérèse, however, was legally null and void as other terms of the treaty had not been fulfilled by Spain. Charles, Archduke of Austria (later Holy Roman Emperor), and younger son of Leopold I by his third marriage (with Elenor of Neuburg), claimed the throne through his paternal grandmother, who was the youngest daughter of Philip III; this claim was not, however, tainted by any renunciation. Purely on the basis of the laws of primogeniture, however, France had the best claims since they were derived from the eldest daughters. Many European powers feared that if either France or the Holy Roman Empire came to control Spain, the balance of power in Europe would be threatened. Thus, William III, King of Great Britain and Ireland and Stadholder of the Netherlands, preferred another candidate, the Bavarian Prince Joseph Ferdinand , who was the grandson of Leopold I, Holy Roman Emperor through his first wife Margaret Theresa of Spain , younger daughter of Philip IV. Under the terms of the First Partition Treaty, it was agreed that the Bavarian prince would inherit Spain, with the territories in Italy and the Low Countries being divided between the Houses of France and Austria. Spain, however, had not been consulted, and vehemently resisted the dismemberment of its empire. The Spanish royal court insisted on maintaining the entirety of the Spanish Empire . When the Treaty became known to Charles II in 1698, he settled on Joseph Ferdinand as his sole heir, assigning to him the entire Spanish inheritance. File:Felipe V; Rey de España.jpg The entire issue opened up again when smallpox claimed the Bavarian prince six months later. The Spanish royal court was intent on keeping the vast Spanish Empire united under one head, and acknowledged that such a goal could be accomplished only by selecting a member either of the House of France, or of Austria. Charles II, under pressure from his German wife, chose the House of Austria, settling on the Emperor's younger son, the Archduke Charles . Ignoring the decision of the Spanish, Louis XIV and William III signed a second treaty, allowing the Archduke Charles to take Spain, the Low Countries and the Spanish colonies, whilst Louis XIV's eldest son and heir, Louis de France, Dauphin de Viennois would inherit the territories in Italy, with a mind to exchange them for Savoy or Lorraine. In 1700, as he lay upon his deathbed, Charles II unexpectedly interfered in the affair. He sought to prevent Spain from uniting with either France or the Holy Roman Empire, but, based on his past experience of French superiority in arms, considered France as more capable of preserving the empire in its entirety. The whole of the Spanish inheritance was thus to be offered to the Dauphin's younger son, Philippe, Duc d'Anjou , failing which it would be offered to the Dauphin's third son, Charles, Duc de Berry , and thereafter to the Archduke Charles. If all these princes refused the Crown, it would be offered to the House of Savoy, distantly related to the Spanish royal family. File:Louis le Grand; Rigaud Hyacinthe.jpg Louis XIV thus faced a difficult choice: he could have agreed to a partition and to possible peace in Europe, or he could have accepted the whole Spanish inheritance but alienated the other European nations. Louis XIV originally assured William III that he would fulfil the terms of their previous treaty and partition the Spanish dominions. Later on, however, Jean-Baptiste Colbert, Marquis de Torcy (nephew of Jean-Baptiste Colbert) advised Louis XIV that even if France accepted a portion of the Spanish inheritance, a war with the Holy Roman Empire would almost certainly ensue; and William III had made it very clear he would not assist France in a war to obtain the territories granted her by the Partition Treaties. Louis XIV agreed that if a war occurred in any event, it would be more profitable to accept the whole of the Spanish inheritance. Consequently, when Charles II died on November 1 , 1700, Philippe, Duc d'Anjou became Philip V, King of Spain. Louis XIV's opponents reluctantly accepted Philip V as King of Spain. Louis XIV, however, acted too precipitately. In 1701, he transferred the " Asiento ", a permit to sell slaves to the Spanish colonies, to France, with potentially damaging consequences for British trade. Moreover, Louis XIV ceased to acknowledge William III as King of Great Britain and Ireland upon the death of James II, instead acclaiming James II's son and proper heir, James Francis Edward Stuart (the "Old Pretender"), King. Furthermore, Louis XIV sent forces into the Spanish Netherlands to secure its loyalty to Philip V and to garrison the Spanish forts, which had long been garrisoned by Dutch troops as part of the "Barrier" protecting the United Provinces from potential French aggression. Consequently, an alliance was formed between Great Britain, the United Provinces, the Holy Roman Empire and most German states. Bavaria , Portugal and Savoy were allied with Louis XIV and Philip V. The subsequent War of the Spanish Succession continued for most of the remainder of Louis XIV's reign. It began with Imperial aggression even before war was officially declared. France had some initial success, nearly capturing Vienna, but the victory of Marlborough and Eugene of Savoy at the Battle of Blenheim ( 13 August 1704 ), as well as other reverses such as the Battle of Ramillies , the Battle of Turin and the Battle of Oudenarde coupled with famine and mounting debt forced her into a defensive posture. Bavaria was flung out of the war after her conquest following the Battle of Blenheim, and Portugal and Savoy subsequently defected to the opposite side. The war proved costly for Louis XIV; by 1709, he was grievously weakened and was willing to sue for peace at nearly any cost, even to return all lands and territories ceded to him in his reign and to return to the frontiers of the Peace of Westphalia, signed more than sixty years prior. Nonetheless, the terms dictated by the allies were so harsh, including demands that he attack his own grandson alone to force the latter to accept the humiliating peace terms, that war continued. Whilst it became clear that France could not retain the entire Spanish inheritance, it also seemed clear that its opponents could not overthrow Philip V in Spain after the definitive Franco-Spanish victory of the Battle of Almansa , and those of Villaviciosa and Brihuega , which drove the allies out of the central Spanish provinces. File:Philippe Buache Carte de France divisee suivant les quatres departements de Messieurs les secretaires dEtat 07710637.jpg The death of Joseph I, Holy Roman Emperor and elder son of Leopold I made the prospect of an empire as large as that of Charles V being ruled by the Archduke Charles dangerously possible. This was, to Great Britain, as undesirable as a union of France and Spain. Thus, preliminaries were signed between Great Britain and France in the pursuit of peace. Louis XIV and Philip V eventually made peace with Great Britain and the United Provinces in 1713 with the Treaty of Utrecht . Peace with the Holy Roman Empire came with the Treaty of Baden in 1714. The general settlement recognised Philip V as King of Spain and ruler of the Spanish colonies in the Americas. Spain's territory in the Low Countries and Italy were partitioned between Austria and Savoy, while Gibraltar and Minorca were retained by Great Britain. Louis XIV, furthermore, agreed to end his support for the Old Pretender's claims to the throne of Great Britain. France was also obliged to cede the colonies and possessions of Newfoundland , Rupert's Land and Acadia , while retaining Île-Saint-Jean (now Prince Edward Island ) and Île Royale (now Cape Breton Island ), in the Americas to Great Britain; however, most of those continental territories lost in the devastating defeats in the Low Countries were returned to her, despite Allied persistence and pressure to the contrary, and she also received further territories to which she had a claim such as the principality of Orange , as well as the Ubaye Valley , which covered the passes through the Alps from Italy. Death Edit Louis XIV died on September 1, 1715 of gangrene , a few days before his seventy-seventh birthday. His body lies in the Saint Denis Basilica in Saint Denis, a suburb of Paris. He had reigned for 72 years, making his the longest reign in the recorded history of Europe. Almost all of Louis XIV's legitimate children died during childhood. The only one to survive to adulthood, his eldest son, Louis, Dauphin de Viennois , known as "Le Grand Dauphin" predeceased Louis XIV in 1711, leaving three children. The eldest of these children, Louis, Duc de Bourgogne , died in 1712, soon to be followed by Bourgogne's eldest son, Louis, Duc de Bretagne . Thus Louis XIV's five-year-old great-grandson Louis, Duc d'Anjou, the younger son of the Duc de Bourgogne, and Dauphin upon the death of his grandfather, father and elder brother, succeeded to the throne and was to reign as Louis XV of France . File:Nicolas de Largillière 003.jpg Louis XIV sought to restrict the power of his nephew, Philip II, Duc d'Orléans , who as closest surviving legitimate relative in France would become Regent for the prospective Louis XV. Louis XIV instead preferred to transfer some power to his illegitimate son by Madame de Montespan, Louis-Auguste de Bourbon, Duc du Maine and created a regency council like that established by Louis XIII in anticipation of Louis XIV's own minority. Louis XIV's will provided that the Duc du Maine would act as the guardian of Louis XV, superintendent of the young king's education and Commander of the Royal Guards. The Duc d'Orléans, however, ensured the annulment of Louis XIV's will in Parlement, bribing the Parlementaires to do so with the return of their privileges which Louis XIV had so tirelessly abolished. The Duc du Maine was stripped of the title Prince du Sang Royal (Prince of the Blood Royal), which had been given him and his brother, Louis-Alexandre de Bourbon, Comte de Toulouse , by the king (This act has been viewed by some as the king's attempt to break the constitution of ancien régime France, that is to say, the customary laws of the kingdom. On the other hand, it is also possible that this was simply the case of a dying man giving in to his wife and son), and of the command of the Royal Guards, but retained his position as superintendent, while the Duc d'Orléans ruled as sole Regent. Toulouse, by remaining aloof from these court intrigues, managed to retain his privileges, unlike his brother. Conclusion Edit Louis XIV placed a member of the House of France on the throne of Spain, effectively ending the centuries-old threat and menace that had arisen from that quarter of Europe since the days of Charles V . The House of Bourbon retained the Crown of Spain for the remainder of the eighteenth century, but experienced overthrow and restoration several times after 1808. None the less, to this day, the Spanish monarch is descended from Louis XIV. His numerous wars and extravagant palaces and châteaux effectively bankrupted the State (though it must also be said that France was able to recover in a matter of years), forcing him to levy higher taxes on the peasants and incurring large State debts from various financiers as the nobility and clergy had exemption from paying these taxes and contributing to public funds. Yet, it must be emphasized that it was the State and not the country which was impoverished. The wealth and prosperity of France, as a whole, could be noted in the writings of the social and political thinker and commentator Montesquieu in his satirical epistolary novel , Lettres Persans . While the work mocks and ridicules French political, cultural and social life, it also portrays and describes the wealth, elegance and opulence of France between the end of the War of the Spanish Succession and Louis XIV's death. File:France 1552 to 1798-en.png On the whole, nevertheless, Louis XIV placed France in the predominant and preeminent position in Europe, giving her ten new provinces and an overseas empire, as well as cultural and linguistic influence all over Europe. Even with several great European alliances opposing him, he continued to triumph and to increase French territory, power and influence. As a result of these military victories as well as cultural accomplishments, Europe would admire France and her culture, food, way-of-life, etc.; the French language would become the lingua franca for the entire European elite as faraway as Romanov Russia; various German princelings would seek to copy his mode of life and living to their great expense. Europe of the Enlightenment would look to Louis XIV's reign as an example of enlightened rule and strive to emulate him in all things as much as possible. However, the Duc de Saint-Simon, who did not like Louis XIV as he had not been given what he thought was his due, offered the following assessment: "There was nothing he liked so much as flattery, or, to put it more plainly, adulation; the coarser and clumsier it was, the more he relished it ... His vanity, which was perpetually nourished–for even preachers used to praise him to his face from the pulpit–was the cause of the aggrandisement of his Ministers." None the less, even the German philosopher Leibniz, who was a Protestant, could call him "one of the greatest kings that ever was". For his vigorous promotion of French national greatness, Louis XIV became known as the "Sun King" or "The Great Monarch". Voltaire , the apostle of the Enlightenment, compared him to Augustus and called his reign an "eternally memorable age", dubbing "the Age of Louis XIV" "Le Grand Siècle" (the "Great Century"). Depictions of Louis XIV in fiction Edit Louis XIV features in the d'Artagnan Romances by Alexandre Dumas . The plot of the last of the three Romances, The Vicomte de Bragelonne , involves a fictional twin brother of Louis XIV who tries to displace the King. In The Man in the Iron Mask , a 1929 movie based on The Vicomte de Bragelonne, William Blakewell portrayed Louis XIV and his twin. Louis Hayward played the twins in a 1939 remake, Richard Chamberlain portrayed them in 1977, and Leonardo DiCaprio did the same in a 1998 remake. The Moon and the Sun, a 1997 Nebula Award -winning science fiction novel by Vonda N. McIntyre , is set in the court of Louis XIV in the late 17th century. Louis XIV is a relatively major character in the Baroque Cycle trilogy by Neal Stephenson . Style and arms Edit Louis XIV had the formal style: "Louis XIV, par la grâce de Dieu, roi de France et de Navarre", or "Louis XIV, by the Grace of God, King of France and of Navarre". He bore the arms Azure three fleurs-de-lis Or (for France) impaling Gules on a chain in cross saltire and orle Or an emerald Proper (for Navarre). Depictions in entertainment "La Prise de Pouvoir par Louis XIV," 1966 TV movie, directed by Roberto Rossellini The Beatles song Sun King represents Louis XIV. Louis XIV is also the name of a rock band . Portrayed by Richard Chamberlain in the 1977 television movie The Man in the Iron Mask. David Stewart of the Eurythmics dressed as Louis XIV in the video to There Must Be an Angel in 1985. " Le Roi Soleil ", a musical about the life of Louis XIV starring Emmanuel Moire , debuted in 2005. Louis XIV is also a board game (source: http://www.boardgamegeek.com/game/13642 ). Ancestry	i don't know
In cookery, what is the mixture of fat (usually butter) and flour called, used in making sauces?	Flour Cooking Guide - How To Cooking Tips - RecipeTips.com Flour Used as a Thickening Agent Flour is one of the most often used thickening agents when cooking foods such as sauces, gravies, soups, stews, and gumbos. Two thickening agents prepared with flour - a roux and a beurre manié - are among the most popular methods for using flour as a thickener. A roux is a flour and fat combination that is cooked before it is used as a thickener, and beurre manié is a flour and fat paste that is not cooked before it is used. Preparing a Roux Roux is a thickening agent made from cooked flour and fat and is used to thicken sauces, gravies, and soups. It is cooked to varying degrees to create a white, yellow, or brown, depending on how long the mixture is cooked and how it will be used. The roux can be used immediately when preparing sauces or soups or it can be cooled, wrapped, and stored in the refrigerator for later use. All-purpose flour is most commonly used for a roux. It has moderate levels of starch and protein, so the thickening power is also moderate. (The more starch content of the flour, the more thickening power.) It is important to remember that different types of flour have different starch to protein ratios and therefore have different degrees of thickening power. Flour with a high starch content, such as cake flour, has more thickening power than flour with a high protein and low starch content, such as bread flour. Clarified butter is the most common type of fat used by professionals when making a roux, especially when preparing a delicate white sauce. When using clarified butter, the resulting sauce is smoother. Whole butter is also commonly used, but the sauce may require skimming during preparation to remove impurities that float to the surface. Other fats, such as oils or even pork fat, are occasionally used for a roux, especially for heavier brown sauces, soups, stews, and gumbos. The accepted standard for the quantities of flour and fat to use for a roux is a ratio of 6 parts flour to 4 parts fat by weight. The quantity of liquid that will be added to the roux must also be considered when preparing the roux as well as the desired thickness of the resulting sauce, gravy, or soup. Use the following as a guide for preparing a roux: For every cup of liquid that will be added to the roux, add: Thin Sauce = 1 tablespoon of flour Medium Sauce = 1½ tablespoons of flour Thick Sauce = 2 tablespoons of flour Using above figures as a guide, 2 cups of a medium thickness sauce would require 3 tablespoons of flour and using the 6 to 4 ratio of flour to fat, 2 tablespoons fat would be required. Preparing a Roux for a Velouté Sauce Although easy to make, a roux must be made correctly in order to successfully prepare many types of sauces. Overcooking or undercooking the roux will affect the flavor of the final dish, therefore it is important to use a heavy-bottomed saucepan so that heat is conducted evenly. It also prevents the roux form burning, which would ruin the flavor of the sauce or soup. Described below are the steps necessary for preparing a roux used in a velouté sauce. Ingredients required: White or black pepper to taste Heat 2 cups of chicken stock in a saucepan until very hot, but not boiling. In another saucepan (a heavy-bottomed pan works the best), melt 2 tablespoons butter over moderate heat. Add 3 tablespoons of all-purpose flour. While stirring for 2 to 3 minutes, the mixture should bubble and foam and the color should gradually darken the longer the roux cooks. A light yellow to golden yellow color is typical of a roux that will be used for most types of sauces. It is important that the flour not burn, but it should be cooked thoroughly so that the resulting sauce will not attain a pasty, floury flavor. After the roux has reached the correct doneness, remove the pan from the heat to allow the roux to cool slightly. After the short cooling period, pour 2 cups of stock into the pan (chicken stock is used here for a chicken flavored velouté sauce). Return the pan to moderate heat and vigorously whisk the liquid into the roux. Reduce the heat to a low simmer and continue stirring until the sauce becomes smooth. When the sauce is ready to serve, stir in 2 tablespoons cream and season with salt and pepper to taste. Depending on the type of stock used, the velouté sauce can be used as an accompaniment for meat, poultry, fish, or vegetables. Preparing Beurre Manié A beurre manié is a paste prepared with equal quantities of flour and butter that are kneaded together. It is used as a thickener that can be stirred into a hot sauce or soup. Unlike a roux in which the flour and butter are cooked first before adding hot liquid to create a sauce, beurre manié is not cooked first and is added to the sauce or soup at the end of the cooking time in order to adjust the thickness. The beurre manié is added in small increments to the sauce or soup so that it can be well incorporated before adding more to achieve the desired consistency. Described below are the steps used to prepare beurre manié. Measure equal quantities of flour and butter and place them in a bowl. Stir the ingredients to blend well using a small spatula, spoon, or fork or use your fingers to knead the flour and butter into a smooth paste. Using Beurre Manié as a Thickener When preparing a sauce or gravy, drop small quantities of the beurre manié into the pan to thicken. It is best to use a teaspoon to add the beurre manié in small increments. Vigorously whisk the beurre manié into the hot liquid until it is well incorporated. Continue adding one teaspoonful at a time until the sauce or gravy is thickened to the desired consistency. Note: Unused beurre manié can be stored in a covered dish or jar for up to two weeks in the refrigerator. Frying Flour is often used as a coating for foods that are fried. Pieces of meat, poultry, and fish are often pan-fried with a flour coating. If properly fried, flour-coated food develops a crisp, flavorful crust, and an interior that is tender and juicy. Chicken pieces are among the most popular foods that are coated or dredged in flour before pan-frying. When pan-frying, a heavy skillet with deep sides is generally used. The chicken pieces can be coated with plain flour or with flour that has been combined with other dry ingredients and seasonings, such as crumbs, salt, herbs, and spices. After the chicken pieces are coated with the flour, they should be placed on a rack to dry, which may require 20 to 30 minutes. Allowing the pieces to dry will provide for more even browning of the chicken. After the chicken has dried, heat 5 or 6 tablespoons of oil in a heavy skillet over medium-high heat until the oil is very hot, but not smoking. Place the chicken pieces skin side down in the hot oil, one piece at a time. Leave enough space between the pieces so that the pan does not become too crowded, which will allow the pieces to cook and brown more evenly. Lower the heat to medium. Continue to cook over medium heat, turning until all sides are golden brown and the meat is thoroughly cooked. To check for doneness, cut through the thickest part of the chicken to make sure the meat is opaque throughout. (To ensure that the chicken has reached the proper doneness, it is best to use a meat thermometer, which should read 170°F in the breast meat and 180°F in the other pieces.) As the pieces finish cooking, they should be removed from the pan and placed on a paper towel to allow the grease to drain before serving. Deep-Frying Deep-frying, also known as deep-fat frying, is a process of immersing food in a pan containing hot oil, which cooks the food quickly, producing a crispy surface covering a tender and moist interior. For the best results as well as for ease in handling, it is best to use small pieces of meat, fish, poultry, or vegetables. Foods are often covered with flour and seasonings before deep-frying, which provides a crispy, brown crust on the food. Any cooking oil can be used for deep-frying provided it does not smoke or burn at temperatures that may reach as high as 375°F. Oil low in saturated fat is best to use because the food will absorb a small quantity of oil during the cooking process. Checking the Temperature of the Oil A temperature between 350°F and 375°F is an ideal range for deep-frying. The correct temperature can be determined with the use of a candy thermometer. Another method that can be used is to place a cube of bread into the oil and if it browns in 45 to 50 seconds, the oil is at the correct temperature. Deep-Frying Flour Coated Foods The pieces of food (such as the onion rings shown) should be dried with paper towels prior to coating with flour. The food should be as dry as possible before it enters the hot oil. The food can be floured and seasoned while the oil is heating. Usually enough moisture remains (after drying) for the flour to stick to the food. Some foods, such as onion rings, are often dipped in batter after being dredged in flour. Insert a few pieces of the floured food into the hot oil using a tongs or metal spatula, being careful to not overcrowd the pieces. After the food enters the hot oil, the temperature of the oil may drop slightly, so it may be necessary to increase the heat for a short time to return the oil to the proper temperature. Turn the food so that both sides brown evenly. The cooking time will vary depending on the size of the food pieces being cooked. When the pieces are golden brown remove them from the oil and place them on a paper towel to allow the grease to drain. Check for doneness by cutting open one of the pieces. Important Safety Considerations Deep-frying is a safe process for cooking food if the proper equipment is used and common safety rules are followed: A wire basket may be used to hold the food so that it can be safely lowered and raised in the hot oil. Any utensils and equipment that come into contact with the hot oil must be thoroughly dried first. Moisture on the utensils will cause splattering, which can be dangerous. The hot oil should not be left unattended and children and pets should NEVER be allowed near the cooking area. A fire extinguisher and heavy potholders should always be within reach. After the cooking is completed, the oil should not be transferred to another container or disposed of until it has completely cooled. It is extremely dangerous to pour the hot oil from the cooking vessel. Baking Flour is often the main ingredient in thousands of baked items, such as bread. A standard white bread loaf is one of the easiest of the basic breads to prepare. For the inexperienced home cook, preparing basic white bread is a good way to gain confidence in bread making and for becoming familiar with the characteristics of flour when it is combined with other ingredients to form bread dough. The greatest portion of the ingredients consists of all-purpose or bread flour and the other ingredients are simply yeast, salt, and water. A variety of white breads can be made with these same basic ingredients. The differences in taste and texture of various white breads using the same four ingredients, depends on the ratio of the flour to the other ingredients, the kneading and rising time, how the dough is baked, and so on. Preparing Basic White Bread Mixing Begin by blending 2 teaspoons of active dry yeast into a half cup of warm water (95º to 115ºF). Allow it to sit for 5 or 6 minutes or until the yeast begins to bubble and foam. While the yeast is activating, combine 3½ cups all-purpose or bread flour and 1½ teaspoons of salt. After mixing the flour and salt on a flat work surface, create a well in the center of the dry ingredients and then pour the yeast liquid into the center of the well. Slowly stir the liquid, picking up some of the flour from the inside walls of the well. Continue drawing in flour until a paste forms. Then add water in small increments and continue drawing in the flour. No more than one cup of water should be necessary. When about a third of the flour remains on the sides of the well, pull the remaining flour into the center and quickly incorporate it into the dough. Add small quantities of water to the dough if it is too dry. Kneading Begin the kneading process by folding the dough in half. Using the heel of your hand, press firmly on the dough while pushing the dough away from you. Excessive force is not necessary because the dough will gradually become easier to work the longer it is kneaded, which warms and stretches the gluten. Fold the dough back towards you and repeat the kneading process. Turn the dough a little each time as you continue to knead it. If the dough is sticky, sprinkle it with a small quantity of flour during the kneading process. A pastry scraper can be used to remove any pieces of dough that may stick to the work surface while kneading. Rising and Punching Continue kneading until the dough is smooth and elastic, which usually occurs in about 10 minutes. Place the dough into a lightly oiled bowl, cover it with a damp kitchen towel or a oiled plastic wrap, and allow it to rest for 2 hours or until the dough has doubled in size. Punch down the dough and allow it to rest for 5 to 10 minutes. Shaping and Proofing If baking the bread on a baking sheet, place the dough directly on the greased sheet and shape it into a round or rectangular form. Proof the dough until it is about double in size, which requires 30 to 45 minutes. Baking Bake in a preheated, 425ºF oven for 40 to 45 minutes. Check the bread for doneness by tapping on the bottom: A hollow sound indicates that the bread is done, while a dull sound indicates an underdone loaf. Remove the bread from the loaf pan or baking sheet and cool on a wire rack to prevent the bottom from becoming soggy. Pan Preparation Flour is also used in baking as a means to prevent foods from sticking to bakeware. A baking pan is usually greased with butter or shortening and then it is dusted with flour before the dough or batter is added to the pan.	Roux
Who was the captain of Brazil’s national football team when they won the 1970 FIFA World Cup?	Cooking Terms : The Reluctant Gourmet A-D – E-I – J-M – N-Q – R-U – V-Z Here are some cooking terms that you will find in every cookbook but may not be familiar with: Arborio rice : A short-grain, stubby type of rice originally from Italy and named after a town in the Po Valley. With a higher startch content than most of rices, properly cooked Arborio rice is creamy but firm and chewy. All Purpose Flour : A blend of high and low protein flours. The manufacturers blend the flour so that there is enough gluten in it to make a reasonable (often excellent) loaf of bread but not so much that you will end up with a chewy birthday cake. This is why they call it “all purpose:” it is good to use in a variety of baked goods. Al dente (al-Den-tay) : In Italian the phrase means “to the tooth”and is a term used to describe the correct degree of doneness when cooking pasta and vegetables. The food should have a slight resistance when biting into it, but should not be soft or overdone or have a hard center. For a great explanation of how al dente pasta should feel and taste, I direct you to read my friend Lola’s explanation. Lola is a wonderful home cook from Italy and knows what she is talking about. Her description of al dente is at the end of my post for Pasta e Fagioli . Bard : To tie some type of fat (bacon or fatback) around what you are cooking to prevent it from drying out while roasting. Often used with fowl or extremely lean meats, barding bastes the meat while it is cooking, thus keeping it moist. Baste : To spoon, brush, or squirt a liquid ( meat drippings, stock, barbecue sauce, melted butter) on food while it cooks to prevent drying out and to add flavor Braise (BRAYZ) : A cooking method where meat or vegetables are first browned in butter and/or oil, then cooked in a covered pot in a small about of cooking liquid at low heat for a long period of time. This slow cooking process both tenderizes the food by breaking down their fibers and creates a full flavored dish. Check out my article on Braising and then my recipe for ossobuco for a delicious example of this cooking method. Bouquet garni : a little bundle of herbs, tied together or placed together in in a piece of cheesecloth, used to enhance the flavor of a soup or stew. The classic combination of herbs is parsley, thyme, and bay leaf, but I like to add different herbs that I think will go with dish. Broth : Basically the same thing as stock , a flavorful liquid prepared by simmering meat, poultry, fish or vegetables in water with some added herbs. This liquid can then be used for making soups, sauces, braises or by itself. Home cooks were more likely to see the term broth where professionals use the word “stock”. Not to be confusing, but some people use the term bouillon. Be sure to check out my post about the difference between chicken stock and chicken broth . Cabbage : comes from the French word caboche, a colloquial term for head. The most common cabbage is the tight leafed compact head that ranges in color from white to red although there are many other types of cabbage varying in size in shape worth trying. Cabbage can be cooked or eaten raw as in cole slaw. When buying, look for heads that appear heavier than their size with crisp leaves. The cabbage family also includes kale, broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts. Cannellini bean (kan-eh-LEE-nee) : A large white Italian kidney bean that’s great in soups and stews. Canola oil : The market name for rapeseed. As the most popular oil in Canada, the name was changed to protect the innocent. Now popular in the US because it only contains about 6% of saturated fat. Also it contains more mono saturated fat than any oil other than olive oil as well as Omega-3 fatty acids… thought to help lower cholesterol. It doesn’t have much of a taste and should be used for cooking (high smoking point) and salad dressings. Caper : not to be confused with “a playful skipping movement” but the edible flower buds of the caper bush that’s usually salted and pickled and are popular in Mediterranean cuisine. Capers come in different sizes including the most know, non-pareils (up to 7mm), surfines (7–8 mm), capucines (8–9 mm), capotes (9–11 mm), fines (11–13 mm), and grusas (14+ mm). See my recipe for Spaghetti with Tomato Caper Sauce Recipe Chiffonade : Is the French term for a particular knife cut where herbs and leafy greens are cut into thin strips. Cole slaw : Coming from the Dutch term, koolsla, which means “cool cabbage”, it’s a salad made with shredded cabbage mixed with mayonnaise as well as a variety of other ingredients. Check out my dad’s cole slaw recipe for to see what he puts into his. Cut in : When a solid fat such as butter is mixed with a dry ingredient like flour until they form into small particles. I would use a food processor fitted with a metal blade and just pulse it. You can also use your trusty fingers to do the job. Dashi : a type of soup or stock fundamental to Japanese cooking made with kelp and fermented bonito tuna flakes. Demi-glace (DEHM-ee glahs) A rich brown sauce made from reduced veal and beef stock that is used to make classic sauces. This is the stuff that gives those sauces you are served at fancy restaurants that velvety texture and sheen. For more information about demi-glace . Dredge (DREHJ) : When you lightly coat food to be pan fried or sautéed typically with flour, cornmeal, or breadcrumbs. Check out my recipe for Sole Meuniére . Filé Powder – (FEE-lay, fih-LAY) : Made from the dried leaves of the sassafras tree and ground into a powder, Filé is thought to have come from the Choctaw indians of Louisiana and is an important seasoning for Gumbo. Fond : the brown carmelized bits of “stuff” left in the pan after you saute meat or fish. It’s the stuff you make great sauces from…sort of a base. Fondue : From the French word for “melt”, the term could refer to food cooked in a communal pot at the table or to finely chopped veggies that have been slowly cooked to a pulp and used as a garnish. Gazpacho : – a tomato-based veggie soup that is a great summer time recipe when you have fresh vegetables readily available in the kitchen. Here’s a great gazpacho recipe Glace : A stock that has been reduced to a syrupy consistency and used to add flavor and color to a sauce. Great Northern Beans : Grown in the Midwest, this large white bean looks like a Lima bean and has a wonderful delicate flavor. Goes great in Winter Polish Peasant Sausage & Bean Stew . Gremolada (greh moh Lah dah) : An Italian garnish consisting of minced garlic, parsley, lemon rind, and sometimes shredded basil. It is most often used in garnishing osso buco. Gratinéed : means “with a browned crust of bread crumbs and grated cheese.” You may have heard of gratin potatoes or gratinéed tomatoes. Gumbo (GUHM-boh) : A thick stew-like dish associated with Creole cooking down in Louisiana. It typically has ingredients including okra, tomatoes, onions and some protein like crab, shrimp, sausage or chicken. The name gumbo comes from a derivation of the African word for okra, one of the principal ingredients. Check out my recipe for Gumbo . Hoisin sauce : a thick, dark pungent sauce used in Chinese cooking as a glaze, dipping sauce or added to stir-fries. Also called Chinese plum sauce, the name hoisin comes from the Chinese word for seafood. Hoisin sauce varies depending on where in China you live. Ingredients may include soy, garlic and red chilies. Hominy : An early gift from the American Indians, hominy is dried corn kernels which have had the hulls and germ removed either mechanically or chemically. For our Posole , we purchased canned hominy, but you can also buy it dried. Do you remember in the movie My Cousin Vinny when they talk about grits? Well they were talking about ground dried hominy. Ice : I’m not talking about frozen water ice but instead the act of drizzling a baked good (cake, cupcakes, etc) with a thin layer of frosting. You know it more commonly as icing. Jelly roll : Oh yeah, a delicious dessert prepared by spreading a thin layer of filling like jelly on a thin layer of sponge cake and then rolled up into the shape of a log. Kimchi (KIHM-chee) : is a very spicy condiment that is extremely pungent that is served at most Korean meals. Made from fermented vegetables like turnips and cabbage that have been pickled. In Korea they are then jarred, buried in the ground and dug up when needed. If you like it HOT, you’ll like kimchi. Knead : To mix and work dough into a pliable mass either manually or with a mixer/food processor. When done by hand, you press the dough with the heels of your hands, fold in half, give a quarter turn, and repeat until smooth and elastic. Ladyfinger : Shaped like a fat finger, it is a delicate sponge cake that is used for making desserts like Tiramisu and Charlottes. You can usually purchase them in bakeries, supermarkets, or specialty markets. Leavening : the addition–through biological, chemical or mechanical means–of gases to a dough or batter which causes it to raise and lighten during mixing and/or baking. Mangoes : A fruit (they have a pit) that are fleshy and have a light-orange ripened skin color. A typical mango is around three to five inches in length and weighs approximately one pound. Maître d’ (MAY-truhDEE) : Short for maître d’hôtel and is translated literally as master of the hotel is the headwaiter who is in charge of assigning people to their tables in a restaurant. Part of their responsibilities may also include making sure the staff waiters are doing their jobs, training, handling complaints and working as a liaison between the front of the house and the kitchen. Mesclun (MEHS-kluhn) : A combination of fancy, young salad greens once hard to find but now popular and available pre washed in the produce section of your supermarket in the Bag O Salad section. The mix usually contains a combination of arugula, dandelion, frisee, mizuma, oak leaf, radicchio and sorrel. Meuniére (muhn-YAIR) : A fancy French name for “miller’s wife” and refers to the cooking technique used. In this case, fish is seasoned with salt and pepper and then dredged with flour and sautéed in butter. Check out my recipe for Sole Meuniére Mirepoix (mihr-PWAH) : A mixture of diced carrots, onions, celery and herbs that has been sautéed in butter or oil and used to season soups and stews. Sometimes mirepoix will contain diced prosciutto or ham to enhance flavor. mise en place (MEEZ ahn plahs) : This technique is IMPORTANT and one that’s hardest to get novice cooks to stick with. It’s a French term for having all your ingredients prepped and ready to go before starting you start cooking. That means everything is cleaned, peeled, chopped, diced, measured out, whatever’s necessary to get the ingredients ready prior to preparing your dish. Many of us, me included, start cooking and prepping at the same time. A big NO NO. Try to get into the habit of mis en place. Too read more about mise en place Mongolian Hot Pot : A sort of Chinese fondue, this giant communal pot contains a simmering stock where diners cook a variety of raw, thinly sliced meats and vegetables. A reader asked if I knew where to buy one….any ideas? Nap : To completely cover food with a light coating of sauce so that it forms a thin, even layer. orzo (OHR-zoh) : in Italian means barley, but it is really a pasta that is shaped like rice. I like to substitute it for rice in salads like my Seafood Orzo Salad but it is also great in soups. Ossobuco (AW-soh BOO-koh) : in Italian means bone with a hole and that’s where this dish derives it’s name. The hole is filled with marrow and some consider it a delicacy while others shy away from it. This Italian dish is made with gelatinous veal shanks that are braised with fresh vegetables and rich stock. This dish comes from Milan in Italy’s northern region of Lombardy. The area is known for dairy farming with veal being a natural by-product. Ossobuco is simple and delicious meal that is often served with Gremolada. Panko : Japanese breadcrumbs – See my post on panko bread crumbs Pappardelle : from the Italian city of Bologna, this long ribbon pasta measures from 6 – 10 inches long and anywhere from 1/2″ to 1″ wide and is great with hardy sauces because of it’s larger surface. It’s usually homemade but is starting to show up more and more in gourmet stores and supermarkets. If your local gourmet store doesn’t carry it, ask them. They are usually accommodating. Pesto (PEH stoh) : An uncooked sauce that can also be used as condiment from Genoa, Italy and usually contains fresh basil, garlic, pine nuts, Parmesan cheese and olive oil although I’ve made it with arugula, sun dried tomatoes, and cilantro. I make mine with a food processor, but it is often made by hand with a mortar and pestle. Pincho or Pintxo (Basque): means “thorn” or “spike” in Spanish and is a small snack, similar to a tapas, typically enjoyed in bars and restaurants in northern Spain. Rather than a small plate of food like a tapas, it is typically one serving held together on a toothpick. Read more about my experiences eating pincho in San Sebastian . Pine nuts : also called pignoli or Italian nut, pine nuts come from, you guessed it, pine trees. The nut is extracted from the cone usually with heat and is highly labor intensive thus expensive. they have a high fat content and should be stored in airtight containers in your refrigerator. They have a wonderful flavor especially when toasted. Pistou (pees-TOO) : the French version of Italy’s pesto without the pine nuts or parsley. Pomme de terre : Translated from French, it means “apple of the earth”, but refers to the potato. Usually seen as pommmes frites or French Fries. Posole : (poh-SOH-leh) : a traditional Mexican dish from the pacific coast region of Jalisco. A thick soup that’s usually made with pork, hominy , garlic, onion, chili peppers, cilantro, and broth. Check out Huntley Dent’s recipe for posole . Pope’s Nose : The stubby tail that protrudes from dressed chicken, turkey, and other fowl that my dad always served me at Thanksgiving. puree n. : Any food that is mashed to a thick, smooth consistency. puree v. the action of mashing a food until it has a thick, smooth consistency usually done by a blender or food processor . Rennet : a natural enzyme obtained from the stomach of young cows that is used to curdle milk when making cheese. Resting : removing meat or poultry from heat before reaching ideal internal temperatures to allow the redistribution of juices in the meat. This helps keep the meat retain its juices, evens out temperature and doneness and easier to carve. Roux : A mixture of flour and fat that is cooked over low heat and used to thicken soups and sauces. There are three types of roux…white, blond, and brown. White and blond roux are both made with butter and used in cream sauces while brown roux can be made with either butter or the drippings from what you are cooking and is used for darker soups and sauces. Sachet : A sachet is a small bag made out of cloth or cheesecloth that is filled with various herbs and spices and used to add flavor to soup, stews, stocks and sauces. The combination of herbs and spices can vary depending on what you are cooking but typically include bay leaves, peppercorns, parsley and thyme. Fresh herbs and spices are better but dried will do nicely if you don’t have access to fresh. You can use kitchen string (I have a roll of kite string in our kitchen) to tie the bundle together or even tie the four corners to themselves. I have even seen these nifty disposable cloth bags you can buy at kitchen supply stores. Saffron : An extremely expensive yellow-orange spice made from the stigmas of purple crocus. Think about this, each crocus produces only three stigmas which are hand picked and dried. It takes 14,000 of these tiny stigmas to produce an ounce of saffron. When buying choose the whole threads over the powder form and store in an air tight container in a cool dark place . Saffron is used for flavoring but was once used for medicinal purposes as well as dying clothes. Self-rising flour : is one of the first “baking mixes.” Rather than having to measure out all purpose flour, baking powder and salt separately, a cook can just measure the self rising flour–everything else is already in there. Score : To make shallow cuts into the surface of foods such as fish, meat, or chicken breasts to aid in the absorption of a marinade, to help tenderize, and/or to decorate. Scoville scale: Think of this scale as a way to measure hotness of peppers in heat units called Scovilles. It basically measures the capsaicin concentration which gives peppers their hotness. It is named after its founder Wilbur Scoville who devised the Scovilled Organolepitic test back in 1912. Simmer : To cook food in liquid gently over low heat. You should see tiny bubbles just breaking the surface of the liquid. Smoking point : The point when a fat such as butter or oil smokes and lets off an acrid odor. Not good since this odor can get into what you are cooking and give it a bad flavor. Butter smokes at 350° F, vegetable oil at 445° F, lard at 365°-400°F , olive oil at about 375° F. Stir-Fry : a high-heat cooking method often associated with Chinese cooking where ingredients are cooked in a small amount of hot oil while constantly being stirred. Stir-frys are often prepared in a cooking vessel called a wok but it you can stir fry in a frying pan. To lean more about this great Stir-Fry technique … Stock : also called broth or bouillon, a flavorful liquid made by gently cooking meat, chicken or fish (with bones) in water and used for making sauces, soups, glaces and can be used for braising or poaching. I have read that in order for this liquid to be called stock, it must be made with bones therefore there is no such thing as vegetable stock. Not so sure this is true but sounds interesting. I have also read that the term comes from professional chefs keeping this important liquid ingredient “in stock” until they need it to cook with. Sweat : To cook slowly over low heat in butter, usually covered, without browning. See my article on How to Sweat Vegetables Tapenade (ta pen AHD) : a thick paste made from capers, anchovies, olives, olive oil, lemon juice, and seasonings. This delicious condiment originated in France’s Provence region. Toad-in-the-hole : A British dish consisting of a Yorkshire Pudding batter and cooked link sausages. When baked, the batter puffs up around the sausages giving the appearance of “toads in the hole” Tomato concasse : fresh ripe tomatoes that have been peeled, seeded and coarsely chopped. Umami : One of the five basic tastes often referred to as savoriness with a “long lasting, mouthwatering and coating sensation over the tongue.” Vinegar : There are all kinds of vinegar because you can make it from all sorts of ingredients including grapes, apples, grains and more. It is a byproduct of fermentation creating a sour tasting liquid. Wok Hay : a Chinese (Cantonese) phrase describing the special flavor and aroma associated with a perfect stir-fry. If properly done, a stir-fry achieves “the breath (hay) of a wok” and is considered authentic. Worcestershire sauce : Developed in India by the British, this dark, spicy sauce got its name from the city where it was first bottled…Worcester, England. Used to season meats, gravies, and soups, the recipe includes soy sauce, onions, molasses, lime, anchovies, vinegar, garlic, tamarind, as well as other spices. Read all about it at Worcestershire Sauce . Who Is The Reluctant Gourmet? I'm a work-at-home dad who enjoys cooking, learning everything I can about the culinary world and sharing it with you. To learn more about me... Read More Get Social With Me Classic Demi Glace Recipe What is Demi Glace? I am a huge fan of demi-glace for preparing classic sauces like mushroom or peppercorn sauce but I have to warn you, it is a huge process to make classic demi glace at home. It is not for the faint of heart but well worth the effort – at least once. […] Penne Pasta with Roasted Tomatoes and Fresh Mozzarella How to Make a Delicious Pasta Meal with Roasted Tomatoes & Fresh Mozzarella In our house we typically have a weekly “What’s On Hand” meal where my wife and I find ingredients in the refrigerator and pantry that need to be used sooner than later and prepare a pasta dish, stir-fry or Mexican fajita. This […] Pan Roasting Technique Pan Roasting—the Chef’s Secret Cooking Technique One of my favorite cooking techniques not talked about in most cookbooks If I could teach you just one chef’s technique that will help you save time in the kitchen and deliver a thick cut of meat to the table with a perfect sear and juicy medium-rare throughout, it […]	i don't know
Lake Geneva (or Lake Leman) lies in which two countries?	Lake Geneva travel guide - Wikitravel 11 Get out For other places with the same name, see Lake Geneva (disambiguation) . Lake Geneva, known in French as Lac Léman, is one of the largest lakes in western Europe. It lies on the course of the Rhone river on the frontier between France and Switzerland . Aside from the city and canton of Geneva most destinations in the Lake Geneva region are in either the Swiss canton of Vaud or the French department of Haute Savoie . For its part Vaud is the largest canton in the French speaking part of Switzerland, and the third largest in the country as a whole. The geography is varied, with the Jura mountains in the north, a hilly plain in the center and in the southwest the Alps. The main attractions of the region are the cities and towns surrounding the lake, the opportunities for skiing and hiking in both mountain ranges, and of course the lake itself. Talk[ edit ] The shores of Lake Geneva are entirely French speaking, though you will also hear Swiss German, Italian, and English. In Geneva and Lausanne, it is not uncommon for people around you to be having conversations in four different languages. By air[ edit ] The only airport in this region is in Geneva (Genève-Cointrin). It is smaller than the airport in Zürich , but very heavily internationally connected due to the UN's presence in Geneva. You can also easily fly into Zürich and catch an express train south. By train[ edit ] The TGV from France and the Cisalpino from Italy stop in Geneva, Lausanne, Vevey, and Montreux. From Germany or Austria you will have to change in Basel or Zürich. Get around[ edit ] Most towns on Lake Geneva are served by the boats of the Compagnie Génerale de navigation (CGN) . As well as modern boats, CGN operates five heritage paddle steamers build at the beginning of the 20th century. On some routes, boats are the fastest mean of transport (between Lausanne and Evian, for example). On most other routes though, boats are much slower than trains, but they often offer more scenic views. Private boat tours and transfers from Geneva to any port on the lake is by Léman Transfers. Groups of up to 6 passengers can be privately chauffeured around the lake. - Léman Transfers .	france and switzerland
Decompression Sickness in SCUBA divers is more commonly known by what name?	Cruise on Lake Leman · Lomography 2010-08-05 1 4 Share Tweet If you want to feel the wind on your face and feel the relaxing mist of the sea, go to Switzerland and have a look see at Lake Geneva. Cruising on the lake is a very nice way to enjoy the beautiful landscapes of Lake Leman which is one of the biggest lakes in Europe. Lake Geneva (named lac Léman in French) is the largest lake in Western Europe. It lies between France and Switzerland. The southern shore belongs to France. The lake is 70 km long, and is skirted by vineyards and beautiful sun-drenched towns (many with shore side castles) on the Swiss side, and dominated by the French Alps on the south side. There are many options ranging from simple cross-lake passenger ferries in Geneva to longer sightseeing trips ans dinner cruises departing from various lake-side towns, including Geneva, Nyon, Yvoire, Evian, Lausanne, Vevey and Montreux. The largest number of departures is from Geneva on the southwestern point of the lake while cruises also operate regularly from towns on the opposite end of the lake such as Montreux, Vevey, and Lausanne. I experimented two boats : first, I took the CGN ferry from Evian-les-bains to Lausanne. The trip lasts about half an hour. I took a few pics with my Diana Mini. In Lausanne, I photographed a beautiful Belle Epoque paddle steamer from 1927, named The Rhône. I didn’t take it because it goes from Lausanne to Vevey, and I hadn’t enough time. I had to go back to Geneva and had two choices: either the train, or by the boat. There is only one boat per day from Lausanne to Geneva. The boat is much longer (3 hours) than the train (30 minutes), but she offers more scenic views.	i don't know
In the US, Black Friday occurs during which month of the year?	What Is Black Friday: Sales Statistics and Trends By Kimberly Amadeo Updated November 24, 2016 Black Friday is November 25, 2016, the day after Thanksgiving. It's traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year. It kicks off the critical holiday season. The holiday shopping season is crucial for the economy because around 30 percent of annual retail sales occur between Black Friday and Christmas . For some retailers, such as jewelers, it's even higher -- nearly 40 percent. Black Friday Sales Statistics On Black Friday itself, 74.2 million shopped in 2015. The NRF annual survey said that 99.8 million people would shop. That is the lowest level of Black Friday participation since 2011. Only 87 million shopped in 2014, 92 million in 2013, 89 million in 2012 and 85 million in 2011. Nearly 35 million people shopped on Thanksgiving Day. That's more than 25.6 million who went out in 2014. It's still less than the 45 million who shopped in 2013, but on par with the 35 million in 2012. (Source: " Thanksgiving Weekend Shopping Brings Crowds ," National Retail Federation, November 29, 2015. " 2015 Thanksgiving Sales Projections ", November 20, 2015. " November 2014 Survey ." National Retail Federation. "Americans Gobbled Up Thanksgiving Weekend Deals," National Retail Federation, December 1, 2013.) The number of people shopping over the three-day Black Friday weekend was lower, too. Only 135.7 million said they'd go out, less than the 140.1 million who said they would in 2014. Spending is down, too. Here's the breakout. Black Friday Weekend Shopping Statistics Year 3.6% Keep in mind the NRF's estimate is usually overly optimistic. In 2015, it predicted $630.5 billion, but only $626.1 billion was sold. For that reason, it's likely that 2016 sales will increase less than the forecast. (Source: " National Retail Federation Forecasts Holiday Sales to Increase 3.6% ," National Retail Federation, October 4, 2016. "Retail Holiday Sales Increase 3 Percent," National Retail Federation, January 15, 2016.) Sales at some department stores fell. For example, Macy's sales fell 4.7 percent at existing stores in November and December. Macy's blamed the weather. More than 80 percent of the decline was in coats, hats, and other cold-weather clothing. Temperatures across the nation were unusually warm due to climate change. Retail analysts pointed to competition from lower-priced online and discount stores. (Source: "Macy's to Slash Costs as Sales Sharply Decline," The Wall Street Journal, January 7, 2016.) Why Are Sales Down? What's caused the softening in retail sales? Shoppers are turning away from their previous love affair with credit card debt . Instead, families are more likely to use the money they saved or layaway. That means 41.9 percent use debit cards, 24 percent use cash, and 2.3 percent pay by check. Only 31.8 percent whip out the plastic to pay for holiday shopping. Instead of using credit cards, families take advantage of low-interest rate loans to buy durable goods, like washing machines, televisions, and automobiles. For more, see Average Consumer Debt Statistics . Many families are still concerned about the health of the economy. The government shutdown in 2013 and recurrent debt crises created an air of uncertainty for consumers and businesses alike. Companies hesitated to create full-time, good-paying jobs. Consumers won't spend without the assurance of steady incomes. Shift to Thrift The recession created a permanent shift to thrift in retail trends. That's not just a search for the lowest price, but also an interest in finding the best value for the price. The 2014 Black Friday survey showed the same. Nearly half (47.1 percent) said they looked in advertising circulars for the best deals, 35 percent signed up for retailer's emails, 20.2 percent paid attention to TV commercials, and 21.3 percent relied on word of mouth. Smartphones and tablets are used much more than in the past to find the bargains. Less than half (45.4 percent) of those who own smartphones, and just about two-thirds (47.4 percent) of those who own tablets, use them to purchase products online. Gif tcards are becoming more popular. Eighteen percent of holiday shoppers use gift cards. Almost half of people received a gift card on Christmas morning. That's because people are more likely to ask for gift cards than clothing, DVDs, or jewelry. (Source: " Gift Card Statistics ," CardCash.com, November 24, 2016.) Black Friday Hiring The NRF reported that stores would hire between 640,000 and 690,000 seasonal workers. That's down from the 700,000 workers they said they'd hire in 2015, and the 713,780 they did hire in 2014. That's much less than the 764,750 workers hired in 2013. At least it's not as bad as the 263,820 workers hired in 2008. For more, see Holiday Employment . Holiday FAQ	November
How many numbered boxes are there at the beginning of a game of UK tv’s ‘Deal or No Deal’?	The History of Black Friday Get Black Friday 2017 Deal Alerts! Get Deals × Check Your Email Now. Verify Your Email to receive Today's Best Deals! Check your other inbox just in case! :) You have been unsubscribed from future email notifications. Black Friday History For millions of people Black Friday is the time to do some serious Christmas shopping --even before the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone! Black Friday is the Friday after Thanksgiving, and it's one of the major shopping days of the year in the United States -falling anywhere between November 23 and 29. While it's not recognized as an official US holiday, many employees have the day off -except those working in retail. The term “Black Friday” was coined in the 1960s to mark the kickoff to the Christmas shopping season. “Black” refers to stores moving from the “red” to the “black,” back when accounting records were kept by hand, and red ink indicated a loss, and black a profit. Ever since the start of the modern Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1924, the Friday after Thanksgiving has been known as the unofficial start to a bustling holiday shopping season. In the 1960's, police in Philadelphia griped about the congested streets, clogged with motorists and pedestrians, calling it “Black Friday.” In a non-retail sense, it also describes a financial crisis of 1869: a stock market catastrophe set off by gold spectators who tried and failed to corner the gold market, causing the market to collapse and stocks to plummet. Why did it become so popular? As retailers began to realize they could draw big crowds by discounting prices, Black Friday became the day to shop, even better than those last minute Christmas sales. Some retailers put their items up for sale on the morning of Thanksgiving, or email online specials to consumers days or weeks before the actual event. The most shopped for items are electronics and popular toys, as these may be the most drastically discounted. However, prices are slashed on everything from home furnishings to apparel. Black Friday is a long day, with many retailers opening up at 5 am or even earlier to hordes of people waiting anxiously outside the windows. There are numerous doorbuster deals and loss leaders – prices so low the store may not make a profit - to entice shoppers. Most large retailers post their Black Friday ad scans, coupons and offers online beforehand to give consumers time to find out about sales and plan their purchases. Other companies take a different approach, waiting until the last possible moment to release their Black Friday ads , hoping to create a buzz and keep customers eagerly checking back for an announcement. More and more, consumers are choosing to shop online, not wanting to wait outside in the early morning chill with a crush of other shoppers or battle over the last most-wanted item. Often, many people show up for a small number of limited-time "door-buster" deals, such as large flat-screen televisions or laptops for a few hundred dollars. Since these coveted items sell out quickly, quite a few shoppers leave the store empty handed. The benefit of online shopping is that you will know right away if the MP3 player you want is out of stock, and can easily find another one without having to travel from store to store. Also, many online retailers have pre-Black Friday or special Thanksgiving sales, so you may not even have to wait until the big day to save. So, there you have it - the Black Friday history behind the best shopping day of the year!	i don't know
A cottage pie is traditionally made with with meat?	Proper English Cottage Pie Recipe - Allrecipes.com Caroline C 10/7/2004 I'm English, and apart from the addition of the pie crust (which I omitted), this is pretty authentic. Like others, I used a little ketchup instead of tomato paste. Also, I used Bisto Gravy Gra... AUSSIEAMERICAN 1/12/2011 Being from Australia, cottage pie is a favourite when it comes to comfort food for the family. Overall, this recipe is pretty close to the orignial. Defeinitely omit the cinnamon. Not sure why y... ESTEPHAN 2/9/2007 This was very good, but not earth-shaking. I agree with other reviewers on several points: (1) Though cinnamon can add a nice element with red meat, here it comes through too strongly; cut back... SylvrFlwr 7/30/2007 I made this will slighly over a pound of ground beef and 4 large russet potatos. I absolutely NEEDED a 9 by 13 inch casserole dish! It would have certainly boiled over in a pie dish or an 8 by... shewilbo 6/21/2006 The pie was very good. My husband enjoys English dishes and I expected something like the "shepherd's pie" that was served in the school cafeteria many years ago. For a hamburger meal, it had ... SAMMARTI 3/13/2003 This is a good basic recipe, but be prepared to make some changes. I did not have "Italian seasonings" so I just added a couple pinches garlic powder, basil and oregano. Also red pepper flakes a... ginny005 8/12/2011 I am English and this recipe seems to be pretty authentic. However, cinnamon would not be used in an English dish like this. I have noticed a couple of reviewers mention a pie crust and it not... TRISHDELISH 11/19/2002 Dennis the Menice really loved this recipe. I made a few changes though. I didn't have any fresh parsley laying around so I used about 1 Tbsp dried parsley. I ran to the store to get tomato p... vicki 4/1/2010 people please read carefully. It says put into a pie plate not into a pie crust. otherwise the other comments and suggestions are worthwhile	Ground beef
In the game of Monopoly, what is the name of the character on the board who is locked behind bars?	Cottage pie \| BBC Good Food BBC Good Food Recipes Not sure what to cook? We’ve pulled together our most popular recipes, our latest additions and our editor’s picks, so there’s sure to be something tempting for you to try. Prep: 35 mins Cook: 1 hr, 50 mins Easy This great-value family favourite freezes beautifully and is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser Share: Probably the most widely-used oil in cooking, olive oil is pressed from fresh olives. It's… 1¼kg beef mince 2 onions , finely chopped The carrot, with its distinctive bright orange colour, is one of the most versatile root… 3 celery sticks, chopped A collection of long, thick, juicy stalks around a central, tender heart, celery ranges in… 2 garlic clove, finely chopped 3 tbsp plain flour large glass red wine (optional) 850ml beef stock This popular herb grows in Europe, especially the Mediterranean, and is a member of the mint… 2 bay leaves Milk mill-k One of the most widely used ingredients, milk is often referred to as a complete food. While cow… Butter is made when lactic-acid producing bacteria are added to cream and churned to make an… 200g strong cheddar , grated Once cheddar was 'Cheddar', a large, hard-pressed barrel of cheese made by a particular… freshly grated nutmeg Method Heat 1 tbsp oil in a large saucepan and fry the mince until browned – you may need to do this in batches. Set aside as it browns. Put the rest of the oil into the pan, add the vegetables and cook on a gentle heat until soft, about 20 mins. Add the garlic, flour and tomato purée, increase the heat and cook for a few mins, then return the beef to the pan. Pour over the wine, if using, and boil to reduce it slightly before adding the stock, Worcestershire sauce and herbs. Bring to a simmer and cook, uncovered, for 45 mins. By this time the gravy should be thick and coating the meat. Check after about 30 mins – if a lot of liquid remains, increase the heat slightly to reduce the gravy a little. Season well, then discard the bay leaves and thyme stalks. Meanwhile, make the mash. In a large saucepan, cover the potatoes in salted cold water, bring to the boil and simmer until tender. Drain well, then allow to steam-dry for a few mins. Mash well with the milk, butter, and three-quarters of the cheese, then season with the nutmeg and some salt and pepper. Spoon meat into 2 ovenproof dishes. Pipe or spoon on the mash to cover. Sprinkle on the remaining cheese. If eating straight away, heat oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 7 and cook for 25-30 mins, or until the topping is golden. Or follow the steps (below) to freeze. Recipe from Good Food magazine, October 2010 Tip Our top tips To get really smooth, creamy mash, use a potato ricer or sieve. To stop the mash sinking into the filling, allow the meat to cool before topping with the mashed potato. Freeze in individual ovenproof dishes for an easy meal for one. For a really crisp, golden topping, flash under the grill for a few mins before serving. Tip If you want to use a slow cooker... Brown your mince in batches then tip into your slow cooker and stir in the vegetables, flour, purée, wine, stock, Worcestershire sauce and herbs with some seasoning. Cover and cook on High for 4-5 hours. Make the mash following step 2, above, and then oven cook to finish according to step 3. Tip Foolproof freezing Make sure the pie is completely cold, then cover it well with cling film and freeze. Always freeze the pie on the day that you make it. Defrost in the fridge overnight, then cook as per the recipe. Alternatively, to cook from frozen, heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4, cover with foil and cook for 1½ hrs. Increase oven to 220C/200C fan/gas 7, uncover and cook for 20 mins more, until golden and bubbling.	i don't know
The ‘Autobots’ and the ‘Decepticons’ are the main factions of which toy line?	Decepticon \| Article about Decepticon by The Free Dictionary Decepticon \| Article about Decepticon by The Free Dictionary http://encyclopedia2.thefreedictionary.com/Decepticon Decepticons (pop culture) The Transformers-Decepticons toy line and resulting media franchise represents one of the first successful examples of Japanese superheroes and supervillains adopted for an American audience. Transformers are intelligent robots (or large humanoids) with the capability to transform themselves, usually into inanimate objects (such as a fighter jet, car, or tank) or animals. The premise of the franchise relies on the age-old struggle between good and evil, with two main factions warring for control of their home planet, Cybertron. The heroic Autobots (called Cybertrons in the Japanese version) are led by Optimus Prime, and their opponents, the militaristic and brutal Decepticons (Destrons in the Japanese version), are led by Megatron. Megatron was responsible for beginning the Cybertronian Civil War, in which he exterminated Autobots by the millions and earned his claim to fame as the galaxy's most ruthless leader. Other potential world dominators have tried to usurp Megatron's power, including Astrotrain and Blitzwing, Shockwave, and Galvatron, a Decepticon created from Megatron himself. Hasbro began the toy line in 1984, which combined the Japanese toy company Takara's successful Diaclone and Micro Change toylines into a new brand for U.S. consumers. The basic backstory of the toy line and subsequent comic books and cartoons were developed by Marvel Comics writers Jim Shooter and Dennis O'Neil. Marvel published several series during the 1980s, even producing a four-issue miniseries, G.I. Joe and the Transformers in 1986, followed by later releases from the company in the 1990s. The animated TV series Transformers (1984–1987), created to support the toy franchise, focused on battle after battle as the domineering Decepticons attempted to destroy peace within the galaxy. Subsequent spin-offs, such as Beast Wars: Transformers (1996–1999), Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2001), and Transformers: Cybertron (2005) continued into the 1990s and 2000s. Capitalizing on these shows' high-action content and popularity, the now-defunct Dreamwave Studios published several Transformers comics between 2002 and 2004. A live-action Transformers movie boasts Dream- Works producer Steven Spielberg at the helm. With no less than four writers involved in the project at various points, fans eagerly await leaks regarding the film's development. In mid-2005 writer Alex Kurtzman acknowledged the challenge of developing a the storyline: “It's a movie franchise based on a toy line, so the first question you have to ask yourself is, ‘Well, what's the movie?'” In anticipation of the success of the film, IDW Publishing began publishing its line of Transformers comics in October 2005, led by the creative team of comics scribe Simon Furman and artist E. J. Su.	Transformers
What is the name of the male, well-muscled, blond, swimming trunk wearing, gel-filled rubber action figure, first introduced in 1976 by Kenner?	Super eggs with Transformers, nymphs and dinosaurs \| Optimus Prime, Decepticons and Autobots - YouTube Super eggs with Transformers, nymphs and dinosaurs \| Optimus Prime, Decepticons and Autobots Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Published on Aug 3, 2016 Transformers is a 2007 American science fiction action film based on the Transformers toy line. It is the first installment of the live-action Transformers film series. It stars Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky, a teenager who gets caught up in a war between the heroic Autobots and the villainous Decepticons, two factions of alien robots who can disguise themselves by transforming into everyday machinery, primarily vehicles. The Autobots intend to use the AllSpark, the object that created their robotic race, in an attempt to rebuild Cybertron and end the war while the Decepticons desire control of the AllSpark with the intention of using it to build an army by giving life to the machines of Earth. Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, and Jon Voight also star while voice actors Peter Cullen and Hugo Weaving voice Optimus Prime and Megatron respectively. Category	i don't know
The construction toy ‘Lego’ was originally designed in which European country?	LEGO Toy Bricks First Introduced (1958) LEGO Toy Bricks First Introduced LEGO Toy Bricks First Introduced LEGO Toy Bricks. ©2004 The LEGO Group 20th Century History Expert By Jennifer Rosenberg LEGO Toy Bricks First Introduced (1958): The company that makes the famous, little, plastic, interlocking bricks known as LEGO started as a small shop in Billund, Denmark. Established in 1932 by master carpenter Ole Kirk Christiansen who was aided by his 12-year-old son Godtfred Kirk Christiansen, the company made wooden toys, stepladders, and ironing boards. It wasn't until two years later that the business took the name of LEGO, which came from the Danish words "LEg GOdt," meaning "play well." Over the next several years, the company grew exponentially. From just a handful of employees in the early years, LEGO had grown to 50 employees by 1948. The product line had grown as well, with the addition of a LEGO duck, clothes hangers, a Numskull Jack on the goat, a plastic ball for babies, and some wooden blocks. In 1947, the company made a huge purchase that was to transform the company and lead it to world fame. In that year, LEGO bought a plastic injection-molding machine, which could mass produce plastic toys. continue reading below our video 10 Best Universities in the United States By 1949, this machine was producing about 200 different kinds of toys, including Automatic Binding Bricks, a plastic fish, and a plastic sailor. The Automatic Binding Bricks were the predecessor of the LEGO toys of today. In 1953, the Automatic Binding Bricks were renamed LEGO Bricks and in 1958, these bricks underwent a slight change in their design, which transformed them into the LEGO Bricks we know today. Also in 1958, Ole Kirk Christiansen passed away and his son Godtfred became head of the LEGO company. By the early 1960s, LEGO had gone international, with sales in Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, France, Belgium, Germany, and even Lebanon. Over the following decade, more countries started to sell LEGO toys, including the United States in 1973. In 1964, for the first time, consumers could buy LEGO sets, which included all the parts and instructions to build a particular model. LEGO later introduced themed lines of LEGO, including town (1978), castle (1978), space (1979), pirates (1989), Western (1996), Star Wars (1999), and Harry Potter (2001). For over half a century, these small, little, plastic bricks have sparked the imagination of children around the world and LEGO remain one of the world's most popular toys.	Denmark
Which Denys Fisher geometric, plastic drawing toy produces mathematical curves of the variety technically known as hypotrochoids and epitrochoids?	Who invented legos? - Who Invented? Who Invented? / TOYS AND GAMES / Who invented legos? Who invented legos? by 2016 Revision Leave a Comment It was in 1932, Ole Kirk Christiansen and his son Godtfred Kirk invented Lego. Ole Kirk was a carpenter by profession, this he started in 1916. He belonged to village Billund, Denmark and made stepladders, ironing board and wooden toys. It was in Denmark that the company was established. When the country was going through depression Ole Kirk shifted to the manufacturing of toys and this decision marked his life. He made piggy banks and animal toys for the kids. Christiansen gave his company the name “Legos” in 1932. Lego is formed from the Danish words “Leg GODt” which means “play well”. Lego started its first plastic toys in 1947 and purchased a machine in 1949 which they called Automatic Binding Bricks. The Lego toys came to the market in 1955 and were originally designed in red and white plastic. Kirk always believed in maintaining the quality of the products. His son took over as the junior managing director of the company. In 1958 the company got its patent. Now the company is looked after by the grandson of Ole Kirk. The first set manufactured by the company that was a big success was a Town Plan, a teaching aid for teaching children traffic safety. Many more such kits were introduced for helping children learn. Statistics say that children can find a variety of more than 3000 Lego assortments in around 75 different colors. Around the globe 400 million kids and adults have played with Lego bricks and company has manufactured 400 billion bricks approximately. The company still continues to bring new ideas to the market. If you found this page useful then please share it « Previous	i don't know
Which line of dolls, created by American art student Xavier Roberts in 1978, was originally called ‘Little People’?	Cabbage Patch Kids \| Walk Memory Lane Cabbage Patch Kids 1980s , Babyland General Hospital , Cabbage Patch Kids , Coleco , dolls , Fad , Toys , Xavier Roberts Cabbage Patch Kids (originally Coleco, 1982-1988) This line of dolls were created by American art student Xavier Roberts in 1978 and called “Little People.” The original Cabbage Patch Kids were made of all cloth and sold at local craft shows. Later, they were sold at Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia. These dolls then went on to become one of the biggest fads of the 1980s and one of the biggest doll franchises. Roger Schlaifer changed the dolls to “Cabbage Patch Kids” when he bought the worldwide licensing rights. In 1982, Schlaifer and his wife Susanne created the backstory for the dolls where each “child” were born in the cabbage patch. Coleco began mass production in 1982. Coleco gave the dolls large, round vinyl (hard plastic) heads and fabric bodies. The dolls were produced in a Gloversville, New York factory until the company went bankrupt in 1989. Hasbro, Mattel, Toys’R’Us and Play Along took turns producing the Cabbage Patch Kids. As of right now, the dolls are produced by Wicked Cool Tools. Cabbage Patch Kids have never been out of production since 1982, though they aren’t remotely as popular now. Cabbage Patch Kids weren’t just dolls, they had books, movies/TV series, board games, albums. You name it, the Cabbage Patch Kids were all over it. They were everywhere in the 80s! Share this:	Cabbage Patch Kids
Which executive toy, named after an English physicist and mathematician, demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy via a series of swinging spheres?	The History of Cabbage Patch Kids \| Cabbage Patch Kids, Cleveland, GA 1976 Early soft-sculpture: “Face in a Hat” As a 21 year old art student, Xavier Roberts rediscovers “needle molding” a German technique for fabric sculpture from the early 1800s. Combining his interest in sculpture with the quilting skills passed down from his mother, Xavier creates his first soft-sculptures. 1977 While working his way through school as manager of the Unicoi Craft Shop in Helen, Georgia, Xavier develops the marketing concept of adoptable Little People® with birth certificates. 1978 Dexter wins a first place ribbon for sculpture at the Osceola Art Show. Xavier begins delivering his hand made Little People Originals and exhibiting them at arts and crafts shows in the southeast. He finds that many parents are happy to pay the $40.00 “adoption fee” for one of his hand signed Little People Originals. Xavier wins a first place ribbon for sculpture with “Dexter” at the Osceola Art Show in Kissimmee, Florida. Returning home to Georgia, he organizes five school friends and incorporates Original Appalachian Artworks, Inc. Xavier and his friends renovate the L.G. Neal Clinic, a turn of the century medical facility in Cleveland, Georgia, opening “BabyLand General® Hospital” to the public. 1981 Atlanta Weekly Magazine The growing success of Xavier’s hand made Little People Originals is documented by Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, The Atlanta Weekly, and many others. There are reports that earlier editions are re-adopting for as much as 100 times their initial adoption fee. 1982 Original Appalachian Artworks, Inc. signs a long term licensing agreement allowing a major toy manufacturer to produce a Toy replica of Xavier’s hand made soft sculpture Originals. These Toy versions are recognizable by their smaller size, vinyl head and adoption fees usually under $30.00. At the same time, the name Little People® is changed to the “Cabbage Patch Kids®” which is used for both the Toys and the hand made Originals. 1983 Newsweek By the end of the year almost 3 million of the Cabbage Patch Kids Toys have been adopted but demand has not been met. The Cabbage Patch Kids Toys go on record as the most successful new doll introduction in the history of the toy industry. In December, they are featured on the cover of Newsweek. 1985 The Cabbage Patch Kids join the Young Astronaut Program and “Christopher Xavier” becomes the first Cabbage Patch Kid to journey into outer space as a passenger on the U.S. Space Shuttle. 1990 With 65 million Cabbage Patch Kids Toys adopted to date, their continuing popularity places the Cabbage Patch Kids Brand among the top 10 best selling of the year. Meanwhile the hand made Originals, with adoption fees of $190.00 and up, remain popular with collectors. 1992 The Cabbage Patch Kids are honored by being named the first official mascot of the U.S. Olympic Team. They travel with the athletes to Barcelona for the games and many stay behind as “Friends For Life” with patients of a local children’s hospital. 1995 The Cabbage Patch Kids are once again honored to be named the official mascot of the 1996 U.S. Olympic Team for the summer games in Atlanta. That same year Mildred, one of the earliest Little People readopts for $20,000. 1996 For the first time ever, limited numbers of hand made Original Cabbage Patch Kids U.S. Team mascots are offered for adoption at fees of $275.00 each. These Originals represent 12 different Olympic Sports. 1999 A nationwide public vote selects Cabbage Patch Kids as one of 15 stamps commemorating the 1980s in the U.S. Postal Service’s Celebrate The Century stamp program. 2000 The Cabbage Patch Kids stamp goes on sale in January of 2000. 2001 2001 Cabbage Patch Kids are now delivered in the Toys ‘R Us flagship store on Times Square. The introduction of an exclusive line of Cabbage Patch Kids coincides with the launch of the new 110,000 square-foot store. 2002 A minute after midnight on January 1, Cabbage Patch Kid twins were born at Toys ‘R Us Times Square. Bonnie Ellen and Geoffrey Wallace in honor of Geoffrey the Giraffe, Toys ‘R Us Mascot, weighed in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces and 18 inches in length. Nine-year-old Hallie Kate Eisenberg adopted the twins, then took the official Oath of Adoption. The child actor has starred in nine movies including “The Insider” (1999) with Al Pacino and “Bicentennial Man” (1999) with Robin Williams. The National Roll Out for TRU ‘Kids is held on July 27th at the Toys ‘R Us in Alpharetta, Ga. Every Cabbage Patch Kid in the store is adopted in less than 15 minutes. BabyLand General Hospital ends the year in third place in the Travel Channel’s Top 10 Toylands across the nation. 2003 BabyLand General Hospital celebrates 25 years of delivering babies. Collector enthusiasm heightens with the introduction of an exclusive Spring Event baby. Adopting for $325, one little ‘Kid was re-adopted a few months later on eBay for more than double her original fee. At the request of the Georgia Department of Industry, Trade and Tourism, Cabbage Patch Kids became little ambassadors at the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) Open House in Brussels, Belgium, which showcased a Holiday in the South. Logan Michael, wearing a cadet’s parade dress uniform, escorted his sister Lauren Grace to this event. Xavier Roberts closes the year serving as Grand Marshal of the Festival of Trees parade in Atlanta. He holds his first public Signing Party in 15 years in Georgia. The Cabbage Patch delivered a Festival of Trees Exclusive to help raise funds for the Children’s Health Care of Atlanta. The nine-day event drew 150,000 people. 2004 July – A new line of 16″ Cabbage Patch Kids reminiscent of those introduced in ’83 debuts in Australia in a reproduction of the “magical” Cabbage Patch. The Cabbage Patch Kids are welcomed into the open arms of thousands of kids and are very successful at retail. August 2 – The 16″ Cabbage Patch Kids, delivered by new licensee, Play Along Inc., are available throughout the United States and the United Kingdom. The ‘Kids are the same size and price as their predecessors introduced in ’83. The New Generation of Cabbage Patch Kids are an immediate hit at retail. August 18 – Crowds gather for the Cabbage Patch Kids Family Reunion at the largest mall in the country, the Mall of America in Minneapolis, Minn. Host Xavier Roberts greets thousands of new Cabbage Patch Kids parents. September – Word is out that there are one-of-a-kind Celebrity Cabbage Patch Kids being delivered by Play Along. The Ellen DeGeneres ‘Kid meets her namesake during the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”. The star puts her ‘Kid on eBay and raised more than $15,000 for the American Red Cross and Noah’s Wish. Matt, Katie, Al and Anne Celebrity Cabbage Patch Kids make their debut on the Today Show and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson ‘Kids are seen in People Magazine. November – Adding a bit of levity to this year’s election campaign between George Bush and John Kerry, The Bush and Kerry Cabbage Patch Kids appear on Inside Edition with Deborah Norville. The pair are put on eBay and raise more than $2,000 for American Red Cross. The Bush Cabbage Patch Kid joins the Ellen DeGeneres Cabbage Patch Kid as a passenger aboard the Ansari X Prize Wild Fire spaceship. Cabbage Patch Kids make many of the major television stations lists as one of the hottest toy of the Holiday Season. Over 40 licensees have signed on to create Cabbage Patch Kids products. December – Demand grows as Cabbage Patch Kids hit all of the must have lists for the 2004 Holiday Season including Toy Wishes Magazine, National Retail Federation, KOL (Kids on Line, a division of AOL), Wal Mart, Yahoo, Toys ‘R Us and KB Toys Top Five Weekly Holiday Countdown List. Parenting Magazine adds their stamp of approval putting Cabbage Patch Kids in their Toy Hall of Fame. 2005 January – The Toy Industry Association (TIA) selected the Cabbage Patch Kids brand as a finalist in the 2005 Toy Of The Year (T.O.T.Y.) Award in the Property of the Year category. The 16-inch Cabbage Patch Kids manufactured by OAA licensee, Play Along Toys, division of JAKKS Pacific, Inc., was also a finalist in the Girl Toy of the Year category. T.O.T.Y. — The industry’s version of the Oscars — gives toy manufacturers the recognition they deserve for producing best selling product according to Tom Conley, President of the TI. Summer – Cabbage Patch Kids costumed characters go on tour with Radio Disney. They made 71 appearances throughout the United States. They also made appearances in the United Kingdom and Canada. Cabbage Patch Kids have been involved in more than 100 events and shows around the world in 2005. On Labor Day in September, licensee Play Along Inc. introduces Cabbage Patch Kids Babies. They are a hit in the United States as well as internationally. Cabbage Patch Kids first video game, Where’s My Pony, was first introduced with more to follow. “Who’s in the House” a production especially written for Cabbage Patch Kids begins touring this year. After the live performances, the costumed characters have Meet and Greets with the Audience. The Cabbage Patch Kids end the year teaming together with the Red Cross and raised almost $25,000 for the may Hurricane Victims of 2005. 2006 ‘Kids are on the move: The Cabbage Patch Kids join Radio Disney for another Feelin’ Groovy Tour across the United States. Newborns join the Play Along line of Cabbage Patch Kids. The twelve inch babies are heartily welcomed into the family. September – Plans to build a new home for the Cabbage Patch Kids are announced. The essence of the BabyLand experience will be captured and enhanced by the new facility, which will be built in the hometown of Cabbage Patch Kid creator, Xavier Roberts. 2007 Groundbreaking – On Thursday, May 3, creator of the Cabbage Patch Kids® Xavier Roberts reached a new milestone with the official groundbreaking for a new “BabyLand General® Hospital”, home of the world famous Cabbage Patch Kids. Construction of a 70,000 square foot building on 96 acres will begin immediately with anticipated completion in time to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of the Cabbage Patch Kids licensing program in 2008. The new structure will include retail space, offices, a historical archive of the Cabbage Patch Kids as well as the Southern Appalachian region, a meeting and conference facility, warehouse and offices as well as be recognized as the “home place” to 115 million Cabbage Patch Kids and their adoptive parents worldwide. A Star is Born … – Cabbage favorite Ben Winkler was adopted in the early 80s and was the “apple of his mother’s eye.” Times got difficult as he grew older until he discovered Geico. He’s winning dance competitions and getting quite a fan following. Could there be more in store for him… Stay tuned. Heading into the Holiday Season, Cabbage Patch Kids Lil Sprouts are on Toys ‘R Us Top 12 Stocking Stuffer List. The 25th Anniversary Celebration Baby debuts on QVC. The baby, which licks an ice cream cone, is so popular that they are all adopted in record time.	i don't know
How many circles, on which players have to put their hand or foot, are on the mat in a game of ‘Twister’?	3 Ways to Play Twister - wikiHow Setting Up the Game 1 Make sure that you have 2 or 3 players. You will also need one person to serve as the referee, spinning the needle and calling out hand and foot positions. If you have more than four people at your Twister party, you may need to rotate out players, each round, so that everyone gets a change to twist. Consider setting up "stations" with separate games so that the non-players have something to do. 2 Pick your playing field. Choose a spacious, flat, and well-lit area: a living room floor, a deck, or a patio. Make sure that you have enough space to accommodate flailing limbs, wacky poses, and falling players. You can play Twister indoors or outdoors. Take weather conditions into account--a bit of rain can quickly turn the Twister mat into a mini-Slip'N Slide. 3 Unfold the mat and spread it out on the floor. Make sure that the surface is reasonably flat. The face-up side of the mat should be white, covered in red, yellow, blue, and green spots--24 spots in all. Smooth out the wrinkles. The Twister mat will likely slide around and bunch up over the course of the game--this is normal. Consider using shoes, books, or other small, dense objects to hold the corners of the mat in place. [1] This is especially important if you are playing outside, where the wind may blow the edges of the mat mid-game. Avoid using objects with sharp edges, like bricks. 4 Assemble the Twister spinner. This is a square board with "left foot", "right foot", "left hand", and "right hand" in its corners. Press the center of the black spinning needle into the hole in the center of the board. You should be able to spin the black needle cleanly, without friction, such that it makes several revolutions around the spinner board. The needle should stop, eventually, pointing into one of the (left/right foot/hand) corners. If this particular Twister set has been used before, the spinner may already be assembled. If it spins, then you're good to go. 5 Dress comfortably. Wear loose, flexible clothing that will allow you to stretch. You don't want to rip your pants in the middle of a party! Loose shorts, yoga pants, or sweatpants are great. Wear something breathable. Take off any heavy jackets or stiff layers before you play. Extra layers will constrict your movement, and extended stretching may tear your clothes. If you have long hair, consider putting your hair up with a hair-tie or a headband before you play. If your hair falls into your eyes while you are bending over, it may impede your playing. 6 Take off your shoes, even if you're outside. All players should remove their shoes before stepping onto the Twister mat. This will keep the mat clean and reduce the risk of stepping on other players' toes. Socks are fine. Bare feet are fine. 7 Limber up . If you aren't used to contorting your body into unnatural positions, consider stretching before you play Twister. If you loosen up your muscles before you play, you will be able to hold poses longer--and boost your chances of winning! Bend forward, keeping your legs straight, and reach for your toes. Hold the position for at least ten seconds. Twist your torso slowly to the right, as far as you can go, then slowly to the left. Hold each pose for at least ten seconds. Method Playing the Game 1 Choose one person to serve as the referee. The referee will spin the spinner, call out the moves, and supervise the game. Remember to switch off so that everyone gets a chance to play. Some players may prefer to spend more time on the mat, while others may be content to sit back and call the shots. If you only have two people--not enough for two players and a referee--you can play without a spinner. On each "spin", count to three: one player calls out the color and the other player calls out the body part. Alternate who calls what. 2 Step onto the mat. Remember to remove your shoes. The referee should keep off the mat. For two players: Players should face each other from opposite ends of the mat, near the word "Twister". Place one foot on the yellow circle and the other foot on the blue circle closest to your end of the mat. Your opponent does the same on his or her end. For three players: Two players face each other on opposite ends of the mat, near the word "Twister". Each player places one foot on the yellow circle and the other foot on the blue circle closest to his or her end of the mat. The third player faces the center from the red-circle side of the mat, placing one foot on each of the two middle red circles. [2] 3 Spin the needle. The referee spins the needle, and then calls out the color and body part on which the needle lands. All players must obey this direction. For example: "Right foot, green!" or "Left hand, blue!" 4 Place your right/left hand/foot (whichever has been called by the referee) on a vacant dot of the called color. All players must move the same body part to the same color at the same time. [3] For example: say you are standing with your right foot on a blue spot and your left foot on a yellow spot, and the referee calls out, "Right hand, red!" You must bend down to your right, keeping your feet where they are, and touch one of the red circles with your right hand. Do not move any body part until the spinner says so. You may lift a limb, briefly, to allow another limb to pass by, but you must immediately place it back upon the circle from which it came. [4] If you are already touching a color with the limb that has been called, you must move your limb to another circle of the same color. No two players can touch the same spot at the same time--so make your moves wisely! If two players do reach for the same circle, the referee must decide who got there first. 5 Try not to fall. If a player falls, or lets an knee or an elbow touch the mat, he or she is eliminated from the round. The last player standing wins the round. Players should only ever touch the mat with their hands and feet. Remember to switch roles each round so that the referee gets a turn on the mat. Consider making a rule: the first person to fall has to be the referee next round! Method Winning the Game 1 Stay balanced. You want to be the last one standing. When you touch a circle, do not over-reach; you never know how long you will have to wait before moving a given body part, so make sure that you are comfortable in your pose. Keep your legs planted firmly, if possible, and do not spread them too widely. Stay close to your center of mass. Do not lean too far in any direction; make your movements close to your torso, and assess your balance before you definitively place your hand onto a spot. 2 Crowd your opponent toward the edge of the mat. When you place your hand or foot on a color, choose the circle that is closest to your opponent. Over time, this will reduce the number of circles that he can easily reach. Be careful not to physically push another player off the mat. Use the space that your body takes up to block your opponent's own movements. 3 Let your opponents defeat themselves. If you can take up a lot of space, retain your balance, and outlast the other players, you may be able to keep the game going until everyone else loses their balance. Be patient, be a good sport, and have fun. Twister doesn't need to be about winning--it can be a great opportunity to laugh at yourself! Community Q&A How do I make my own Twister mat? wikiHow Contributor You could get a white towel and fabric paint it, or you could also print out or use some colored pieces of paper and cut them out and glue them onto the towel.	24
What is the name of the perpetual murder victim in the English version of ‘Cleudo’?	3 Ways to Play Twister - wikiHow Setting Up the Game 1 Make sure that you have 2 or 3 players. You will also need one person to serve as the referee, spinning the needle and calling out hand and foot positions. If you have more than four people at your Twister party, you may need to rotate out players, each round, so that everyone gets a change to twist. Consider setting up "stations" with separate games so that the non-players have something to do. 2 Pick your playing field. Choose a spacious, flat, and well-lit area: a living room floor, a deck, or a patio. Make sure that you have enough space to accommodate flailing limbs, wacky poses, and falling players. You can play Twister indoors or outdoors. Take weather conditions into account--a bit of rain can quickly turn the Twister mat into a mini-Slip'N Slide. 3 Unfold the mat and spread it out on the floor. Make sure that the surface is reasonably flat. The face-up side of the mat should be white, covered in red, yellow, blue, and green spots--24 spots in all. Smooth out the wrinkles. The Twister mat will likely slide around and bunch up over the course of the game--this is normal. Consider using shoes, books, or other small, dense objects to hold the corners of the mat in place. [1] This is especially important if you are playing outside, where the wind may blow the edges of the mat mid-game. Avoid using objects with sharp edges, like bricks. 4 Assemble the Twister spinner. This is a square board with "left foot", "right foot", "left hand", and "right hand" in its corners. Press the center of the black spinning needle into the hole in the center of the board. You should be able to spin the black needle cleanly, without friction, such that it makes several revolutions around the spinner board. The needle should stop, eventually, pointing into one of the (left/right foot/hand) corners. If this particular Twister set has been used before, the spinner may already be assembled. If it spins, then you're good to go. 5 Dress comfortably. Wear loose, flexible clothing that will allow you to stretch. You don't want to rip your pants in the middle of a party! Loose shorts, yoga pants, or sweatpants are great. Wear something breathable. Take off any heavy jackets or stiff layers before you play. Extra layers will constrict your movement, and extended stretching may tear your clothes. If you have long hair, consider putting your hair up with a hair-tie or a headband before you play. If your hair falls into your eyes while you are bending over, it may impede your playing. 6 Take off your shoes, even if you're outside. All players should remove their shoes before stepping onto the Twister mat. This will keep the mat clean and reduce the risk of stepping on other players' toes. Socks are fine. Bare feet are fine. 7 Limber up . If you aren't used to contorting your body into unnatural positions, consider stretching before you play Twister. If you loosen up your muscles before you play, you will be able to hold poses longer--and boost your chances of winning! Bend forward, keeping your legs straight, and reach for your toes. Hold the position for at least ten seconds. Twist your torso slowly to the right, as far as you can go, then slowly to the left. Hold each pose for at least ten seconds. Method Playing the Game 1 Choose one person to serve as the referee. The referee will spin the spinner, call out the moves, and supervise the game. Remember to switch off so that everyone gets a chance to play. Some players may prefer to spend more time on the mat, while others may be content to sit back and call the shots. If you only have two people--not enough for two players and a referee--you can play without a spinner. On each "spin", count to three: one player calls out the color and the other player calls out the body part. Alternate who calls what. 2 Step onto the mat. Remember to remove your shoes. The referee should keep off the mat. For two players: Players should face each other from opposite ends of the mat, near the word "Twister". Place one foot on the yellow circle and the other foot on the blue circle closest to your end of the mat. Your opponent does the same on his or her end. For three players: Two players face each other on opposite ends of the mat, near the word "Twister". Each player places one foot on the yellow circle and the other foot on the blue circle closest to his or her end of the mat. The third player faces the center from the red-circle side of the mat, placing one foot on each of the two middle red circles. [2] 3 Spin the needle. The referee spins the needle, and then calls out the color and body part on which the needle lands. All players must obey this direction. For example: "Right foot, green!" or "Left hand, blue!" 4 Place your right/left hand/foot (whichever has been called by the referee) on a vacant dot of the called color. All players must move the same body part to the same color at the same time. [3] For example: say you are standing with your right foot on a blue spot and your left foot on a yellow spot, and the referee calls out, "Right hand, red!" You must bend down to your right, keeping your feet where they are, and touch one of the red circles with your right hand. Do not move any body part until the spinner says so. You may lift a limb, briefly, to allow another limb to pass by, but you must immediately place it back upon the circle from which it came. [4] If you are already touching a color with the limb that has been called, you must move your limb to another circle of the same color. No two players can touch the same spot at the same time--so make your moves wisely! If two players do reach for the same circle, the referee must decide who got there first. 5 Try not to fall. If a player falls, or lets an knee or an elbow touch the mat, he or she is eliminated from the round. The last player standing wins the round. Players should only ever touch the mat with their hands and feet. Remember to switch roles each round so that the referee gets a turn on the mat. Consider making a rule: the first person to fall has to be the referee next round! Method Winning the Game 1 Stay balanced. You want to be the last one standing. When you touch a circle, do not over-reach; you never know how long you will have to wait before moving a given body part, so make sure that you are comfortable in your pose. Keep your legs planted firmly, if possible, and do not spread them too widely. Stay close to your center of mass. Do not lean too far in any direction; make your movements close to your torso, and assess your balance before you definitively place your hand onto a spot. 2 Crowd your opponent toward the edge of the mat. When you place your hand or foot on a color, choose the circle that is closest to your opponent. Over time, this will reduce the number of circles that he can easily reach. Be careful not to physically push another player off the mat. Use the space that your body takes up to block your opponent's own movements. 3 Let your opponents defeat themselves. If you can take up a lot of space, retain your balance, and outlast the other players, you may be able to keep the game going until everyone else loses their balance. Be patient, be a good sport, and have fun. Twister doesn't need to be about winning--it can be a great opportunity to laugh at yourself! Community Q&A How do I make my own Twister mat? wikiHow Contributor You could get a white towel and fabric paint it, or you could also print out or use some colored pieces of paper and cut them out and glue them onto the towel.	i don't know
What is the name of the British board game which has Treasure Island in the centre of the board, upon which is placed realistic looking treasure, such as diamonds, rubies and pearls?	WG.HTM - BOARD GAMES AND JIGSAW PUZZLE WORLD.HTML WG.HTM BOARD GAME AND JIGSAW PUZZLE WORLD WADDINGTON'S BOARD GAME ARCHIVE -WADDINGTONS Descriptions and reviews of Waddington's Board games, list of equipment found in Waddington's Board Games and board game query and help sections. This also includes Waddington’s House of Games and John Waddington. Hit Counter Not a very high number but sadly we had to replace our old counter when it has reached 163,000. WADDINGTON'S Advertising material inserted into game boxes c1960 If you wish to contact us use the links below Site last updated 13th January, 2017 Teachers Pet added. November/ December, 2015 link list to games all checked and working, also new images added October 2015 Request for solution to Perfect Square, Card game Bobs Yr Uncle , more images added. More details on Frankenstein's Fingers. March/April, 2015 Comments from the inventor of Golfwinks, Whoops Whoops2, later game added. 27th November, 2014 Cat and Mouse, added. 18th August, 2014 Monopoly money denominations examined. 2nd October, 2013, Lassoo, and Frankenstein's Fingers added. Since April, 1999, we detailed and added another WADDINGTON'S game to this archive each month. This process was competed in December 2001 and since then we have continued to improve the site. Early in 2005 we decided to alter the format of the site so that the games listed are in date of production order. You can use the links to find out what is available for a particular game but if you are generally looking at the site it seems more logical to place the games in the order that they were produced. You then get a better feel as to how games have developed over the years. The descriptions of each game will enable you to check if you have the correct contents for each game or enable you to search for new games and be able to check the contents prior to purchase. Waddington's games are no longer in production the company was bought out by toy Giant Hasbro about 1997. Some of Waddington's Games continued to be produced by Gibsons Games. Waddington’s also had a French partner called Miro Company who published most of Waddington's games in France. In 1961 Waddington’s took a 20% share in Miro's capital (together with another of Waddington's partners, Parker). They withdrew in 1969.We cannot advise you where to purchase particular games (but see links at end), most of those listed below have been out of production for many years. On line auctions do have games for sale or will accept games for sale, other than that we can only suggest charity shops or car boot sales. We will though add a request to our query corner if it will help. We can assist you with the rules for most of the games mentioned. We have also received a number of queries/requests for help with games/parts for games and rules, PLEASE have a look at QUERY/HELP CORNER . MANY CONTACTS WOULD LIKE COPIES OF RULES FOR GAMES WE DO NOT POSSESS. If you have rules for a particular game please check the link for the individual game. Conserving your game? Need spare parts? Perhaps our TIPS might help WADDINGTON'S games so far described or referred to are Ulcers, Vampire Game, Village of Fear, Darkworld, Whoops, Whoops2, Whot , Wizard, Word of Mouth, The Yuppie Game , and Z Cars So what is next? Well as you will see there are still games with little or no description/contents. We will also try to add photographs of each game over time. We do though now have a copy of the Canadian version of Kimbo so we will see if there are any differences. We also want to do more on Escape From Atlantis, some more info on Top Trumps and possibly Land of the Dinosaurs, so keep on coming back to us! The number of queries we are receiving for various games is also increasing and we will continue to post details as received. Often what we do to the site is prompted by your queries suggestions etc. WADDINGTON’S GAME ARCHIVE IN APPROXIMATE DATE OF PRODUCTION ORDER PLAYING CARDS Playing cards are almost certainly the first games product Waddington’s produced. A contact has sets of Waddington's Playing Cards with backs showing Black Grouse and also Snipe. She asks when they were produced and are there any other packs with different birds? Also "I have a pack of possibly 1930's Waddington's Patience miniature playing cards. They are unused and the pack of cards inside the box are still in their plastic wrapper. Their original price is marked on the box at 3 shillings and 4 pence. Can you give us any indication of their value or a link to a website that will tell us this information? " Card sets being advertised in 1978 were XVII Century French, French Revolution and Napoleonic reproduction, a Shakespearian pack originally designed in 1930’s, English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh Emblem packs, twin pack of Victorian photographer Frank Sutcliffe. For more information on Playing Cards try http://www.wopc.co.uk/waddingtons/index.html WADDINGTON'S LEXICON © ? "The Wonder Game". "The new card game of skill, laughter and interest" The game was launched in 1933, packaged in a tuck box, at 1/9d per pack. Initial sales were nil, and so the game was repackaged at 2/6d and sales boomed, up to 1000 packs per week. Our set is in an orange box with maroon lettering REGD. NO. 52991 and is 1950’s/1960’s. The box contains a pack of 51 cards of different alphabet letters with a score no and a Lexicon Master card, a red covered rule book and a thicker light blue covered book of "New Games to be played with Lexicon Cards". Any number of players can play but two packs are needed for five players or more. The dealer is selected by dealing one card to each player with the player holding the highest numbered card being the first dealer and then the deal rotates. Ten cards are dealt to each player and the remained placed face down with the top card exposed and placed alongside. The player on the left of the dealer commences he can a) form one complete word and place it face up on the table, b) discard one card and take either the exposed card or a blind card, the disposed card is place on top of the exposed pile c) insert a card or cards to any one word previously laid down, d) exchange a card or cards with letters from his own hand with any word on the table provided the word left is complete. The aim is to get rid of your cards as quickly as possible and the first player to do so ends the round. The remaining players count up the number scores of the cards they still hold. Players reaching 100 are eliminated until one player wins. The master represents any letter but scores 15 against you if you are left holding it. Very like the cards game "rummy" played with word cards instead of standard playing cards. Not our favourite game by any means but give it a go if you like word games, would rate Scrabble more highly. Another contact describes the game as "ATOZED, WADDINGTONS. It is red and gold and is about 1930s." Another contact asks “I have some lexicon cards which come in a small blue case shaped as a book the reg number is 52991. The rule book is red and the cards are dark blue. I wondered if you could date them for me please.” Can anyone assist. Also another contact with the reg number 529991 can anyone date that set please. WADDINGTON'S PIT © 1904 Patented in Great Britain and U.S. Patent, March 22. 1904 For two to seven players, from 5 years to 100, card game with seven sets of nine cards plus one bull and one bear card. Some sets may only have six sets of cards So much fun from just a pack of cards! A great game to be played with three to seven people, the larger the group the better. In some ways an adult game, best enjoyed when you have all had a glass of alcohol. The original set was manufactured by PARKER BROTHERS, Incorporated SALEM, MASS., U.S.A.. Andrew's Grandfather took a set with him when he fought in the First World War. Waddington’s produced later editions. The fronts of the cards are almost identical in both sets but at least three different back designs are known. The game is based on the American Corn Exchange. Each set consists of nine cards of wheat, corn, barley etc, which vary from wheat at 100 points downwards. The idea is that you trade cards to obtain a set on nine of a particular commodity known as a corner and score the point value of that set. The cards are dealt and then trading begins players can trade groups of cards of two, three or four etc. of the same. You shout this out and someone else will swap with you. The frenzy continues until one person has a corner of nine cards. Quick wits are required and often changing your mind about which set to collect can be the key to success. There is also an optional Bull card which counts as a bonus if you hold it with a corner or a penalty if you are holding it without a corner. The Bear card is always a penalty to who ever is left with it and is traded with a group of matching commodity cards as soon as possible. Pit is very easy to play but never loses it's appeal, A more modern set is "Pit" - Complete with all cards and the rules. The back of the cards are orange with pictures of 'wheat?' on them. The fronts are light blue/green with black and white traders. 1964 cat no.31101 " from Darren Mclean WADDINGTON'S MONOPOLY © 1935 by Parker Bros Inc. For two to six players, from 7 to 8 years upwards. We have played this game on many occasions since childhood. If you have never played it, it consists of landing on property which you buy and then when others land on it charge rent to that person depending on how much money you have improved the site with houses and later hotels. There are chance cards, railway stations and utilities that pay fixed rents and you can mortgage your properties to pay rent, go to jail or if really unlucky go bankrupt. Monopoly brings out the best and worst aspects of people characters. The game can last an unpredictable amount of time. Monopoly is probably the best known board game ever though each household probably plays to it's own slightly different rules! It is likely to be the most common proprietary board game to be found in the average household. It has been calculated that over 250 million people have played the game and that Waddington’s have sold 15 million sets in Britain and since 1935 Parker Brothers have sold over 90 million sets. An American, Charles Darrow, created monopoly in the early 1930’s. The original game had street names taken from Atlantic City where Charles spent his summer holidays. His game pleased his friends and he was being asked to make one or two sets a day or six sets at $2.50 each per day once the boards had been contracted out to a local printer. Parker Brothers were initially luke warm towards the game worried by the unpredictable length of time each game can take and felt that the mortgages and rent rules too complicated. However, by Christmas 1934 Charles had produced 20,000 sets that year and Parker Brothers began paying Darrow royalties for the game and were soon producing 20,000 sets a week. One description of the game we had from the U.S.A. mentions "Board Walk and Park Place in a blue colour. Set includes all game pieces, Community Chest and Chance cards, money (printed one side), houses and hotels, and dice. The label on the board reads "NUMBER 8" [no idea what this means] and has Parker Brothers, Inc. signature printed on it. Two patent numbers are shown, along with the copyright date of 1935 [not necessarily date of production]. There wasn't a box with the game when I purchased it at a sale." Waddington’s had only produced playing cards and Lexicon prior to 1935 but had sent one to Parkers. John Waddington Ltd. were licensed to manufacture the game. The rules were not altered but the street names and currency were anglicised and stations replaced railroads. The first edition with a board separate from the box, metal hat, thimble, ship, car, iron and boot tokens and cost 7/6d (37.5p). A contact Valerie Lilley reports that her “First Edition” set has a board with more than one fold, which fits, into the box. The wartime edition had card tokens with a wooden base with a rocking horse replacing the thimble. The £100 note is black and made of really rough cheap paper, the property cards are perforated and has a spinner instead of dice. (E. Burrell). Our set has card tokens including the rocking horse with the wooden base. The money though is all coloured. Not exactly sure how much money of each denomination a set should contain. The rules state you receive 1x£500, 6x£100, 4x£50, 3x£20, 10x£10, 7x£5 and 5x£1, total £1,500. Our set contains 10x£500, 40x£100, 26x£50, 20x£20, 63x£10, 48x£5 and 35x£1. This totals £11,335. Six players require £9,000 and the rules state if a seventh player is playing he has to wait until the first six receive their money and he has to receive what ever denominations are left which implies that the quantity of money provided is less than that required to give the seventh player the same denominations. The minimum quantity of money for a set to be workably complete would therefore be 6x£500, 36x£100, 24x£50, 18x£20, 60x£10, 42x£5 and 30x£1 plus £1,500 of any denomination for the seventh player total £10,500. Our set has £2,335 left after the six players have received their money - 4x£500, 4X£100, 2x£50, 2x£20, 3x£10, 6x£5 and 5x£1 so well enough for the seventh player to have £1,500. Our set may though not have the original amount of money supplied or maybe it varied anyway so long as it was above the workable minimum possibly our set may have had 4x£50, 2x£10, 2x£5 missing giving a total of £11,565. I would be interested to hear what your set contains. Later I think the quantity of money supplied was altered and the 1985 Anniversary set has a different make up of denominations. We have seen a 1936 Deluxe set. This was a quality set, and weighs 2.2kg. It has a gold box. The Board and money have the PAT.APP.FOR.No.3796-36 number, which probably dates the set to 1936. The station cards are LNER. Cards are the 16 Community chest, and 16 Chance cards. The 2 dice and 6 metal playing pieces are Car, Ship, Hat, Shoe, Iron,and Thimble. There are 32 Houses and 12 Hotels. They are made of a solid Plastic type material and the hotels are marked GRAND HOTEL. The set comes with 2 sets of instructions A Gold wartime edition was also produced with perforated cards costing 21/- (£1.05). Later a deluxe set was produced costing 42/- (£2.10) with superior tokens, flock lined trays and gold edged game cards and the board in an integrated box. Later ordinary editions also appeared in an integrated box at 7/6d, 10/6 and 21/-. Little changed until 1972 when the money was printed on both sides, the tokens were enlarged by 50%, title deeds cards and dice enlarged and the Community Chest and Chance cards given rounded corners. Andrea Green has a set "The set consists of 2 x boards which are not in the box, they have bright yellow backgrounds but the rest is as normal. The pieces are made of metal but are thin coloured pieces including: a grey motorcycle with rider, a red car (which looks like a rolls Royce), a dark green tank, a yellow bull dozer type thing, a gold sailing ship and a blue train. The houses and hotels are made of wood and are green and red. It is all in a small box approximately 10 inches by 6 inches. It is made by John Waddington Ltd (London & Leeds). The whole set is in immaculate condition still containing the checkers ticket. I would be very grateful if you could give me some information on the set, how old it is and it's present day value." See below. Sounds like this set?” I remember being very surprised when I played monopoly at a friend's house and the background to the board was green - ours was yellow! Since I have often told others about the different playing pieces we had but no-one I have ever spoken to has ever seen them. My brother owned the set and it was given to him in the 1950s but he doesn't remember if it was new then or one that was passed on. The motorcyclist looked 1940s and the blue train was a Mallard. The money was, we think, printed on one side only. Our guess would be that the set was 40s or 50s. Hope this helps." Mandi Garrie. Steve Pollard writes “I have a old Monopoly 1950-60's Waddington’s green box.. The hotels and houses are made of onyx type with small windows in the hotels with the word HOTEL written above windows.. I think this was a Deluxe set ???? The box is very heavy and has the Waddington’s Monopoly title in small letters in the top left hand corner.. Can you shed any light..?? Similarly Alex Rarity comments “The box is like a pinkish snakeskin pattern and the back of the board is the same. The players pieces are unusual as well they are a globe, a horses head, a typewriter, a basket of flowers with gems encrusted in it, a boot also encrusted with gems and a telephone with gems.” Any idea when this set was produced. This sounds like the 30th Anniversary Edition with a spangled foil box and jewel encrusted tokens – thanks Fitch Karin Mcguire comments that in the 1960s, her family had a version with conventional London streets and colours but the counters were very different from those used today. The counter were; blue (Mallard) locomotive, red car, yellow tractor, grey motorcycle, bronze sailing ship and green tank all in painted metal. The hotels and houses were coloured red and green made from wood. Does anyone know anything about this edition or have a copy? These were trademark sets produced between 1950 and 1959 – thanks Fitch Image of a luxury version from publicity material from the mid 1970's supplied by Colin White A luxury 50th Anniversary set was also produced in 1985. The rules state you receive 2x£500, 4x£100, 1x£50, 1x£20, 2x£10, 1x£5 and 5x£1. The set contain 15x£500, 40X£100, 15x£50, 15x£20, 20x£10, 15x£5 and 30x£1. Many sets with varying street names from all over the world exist as do junior and travel versions. Another contact also give details of a game which He "believes is a unique one off, it is one of the local additions Newcastle & Gateshead which was produced c1995. His particular set has a spelling mistake on it the board itself and the other 49 produced for Newcastle Council were returned and destroyed," Another contact comments” I smiled when I read about your correspondent who thought he had a "unique" set of Newcastle and Gateshead Monopoly. I would be amazed if the 50 sets that he says went to the Council were the only 50 sets printed. Surely Hasbro do longer print runs that that?! Second reason for smiling is that there is also a Glasgow set with a street name spelt wrong. These appear with tedious regularity on Ebay, marked as "RARE". Personally I cannot see that a spelling mistake on what is already a game with pretty limited appeal is really that interesting, but that is of course just my humble opinion :) By the way, there was a fascinating Monopoly site at For those who are really interested in the various official and unofficial editions.” but sadly I think the owner has passed way as the site it not searchable. BOBS YR UNCLE © 1935 This game was specially designed by Frank H. Simpson for John Waddington Ltd. in 1935. There are 54 cards in the pack: 48 Nursery Rhymes (8 sets, 6 cards to a set, each with a line of the rhyme), the Rhymes are: Humpty Dumpty, Little Miss Muffet, Jack & Jill, Little Bo-Peep, Old King Cole, Little Jack Horner, Hey-Diddle-Diddle, Old Mother Hubbard. 3 Uncle cards: Uncle Bob, Uncle Joe & Uncle George and 3 “Nigger Boy" cards. Rules: BOBS Y'R UNCLE, A NEW CARD GAME The laws of Bobs y'r Uncle are divided into six sections:- 1. Description of the pack. 2. The Deal 3. The Object of the Game. 4. The Play-with stack. 6. The Scoring. DESCRIPTION OF THE PACK There are 54 cards in the pack, of which 48 are Nursery Rhymes, 3 Uncle cards and 3 Nigger Boy cards. THE DEAL Deal the cards singly in a clockwise manner until each player has 6 cards. Place the remainder of the pack face downwards in the centre of the table, to form the stack. Each player examines the cards which have been dealt to him. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME The object of the game is to `declare'. A player may declare (a) when he has played every card out of his hand; or (b) collected all three Uncle cards in his hand; or (c) collected all 3 Nigger Boy cards in his hand. THE PLAY-WITH STACK The player on the dealer's left must play out of his hand a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme. This card is placed face up on the table in good view of all the players. If the player has not a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme he cannot play and must take a card from the top of the stack. This concludes the player's turn. The second player may either play a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme or continue with the next line of the rhyme played by the first player. If he is unable to do either of these actions, he must take the top card from the stack. A player must play a card to the table if he has a card that will go. So the play proceeds, each player playing in turn, building up any of the nursery rhymes or taking a card from the stack if he cannot play in proper sequence. If a player declares before the stack in the centre is used the deal is ended; if not, play continues with the players drawing from the stack until it has been used up. Then the play continues with the following alterations. THE PLAY-When all cards on stack have been taken. When a player has played a card to the table or is unable to play a card to the table, he must display the backs of the cards in his hand to the player on his left and say, Bobs Y'r Uncle. The addressed player must take one of the cards offered. If the addressed player has already taken his turn because the proceding player forgot to offer his cards and did not say Bobs Y'r Uncled, the addressed player must refuse to take one of the cards offered. Example The play has proceeded until the stack in the centre has been used and it is not Molly's turn to play. Her hand consists of two cards - All the King's Horses, Eating his Christmas Pie. Molly plays the card All the King's Horses to the table and immediately turns to Bill on her left and says Bobs y'r Uncle offering the card left in her hand. Bill has to take the card and Molly says, I Declare. If Molly had forgotten to say Bobs Y'r Uncle before Bill had played his card, Bill must refuse to accept the card offered. SCORING A game consists of four deals. A deal is concluded when any one of the players says I Declare, as explained. At the conclusion of each deal the numerical value of the cards left in each player's hand is totalled up and placed on a score sheet against the name of each particular player. The score of the player who declared is Nil irrespective of the number of cards he may hold. THE WINNER OF THE GAME IS THE PLAYER WITH THE LOWEST TOTAL SCORE AT THE END OF THE FOUR DEALS. Bye-Rules 1. A player playing a wrong card must take the card back into his hand and forfeit his turn. 2. Only one card may be played in one turn. 3 A player with all three Uncle cards or all three Nigger Boy cards may say I declare immediately after his turn. If, however, the player on his left has played before he discovers the three cards in his hand he must wait until his turn to play before saying I Declare. 4. A player must play a card if he has a card that will go. If it is proved that a player passed when he had a card in his hand that could have been played, that player is fined 20 points. The game was reissued in 1963 with a different box design. WADDINGTON’S CARLETTE “Monte Carlo in the home”. A casino type gambling game. Produced from the 1930’s. Contents include a board, playing cards, croupier’s rake and dice with cup. Thanks Gordon Peel. WADDINGTON'S STARLUK Produced in or around 1938. Andrew Hartland says he has never come across it or been able to find anything else out about it. It is a game with cards relating to the Signs of the Zodiac. Can you assist? A copy of the rules received thanks James Lloyd-Williams. A contact comments “invented before the war by my Grandfather, Ernest H Taylor who sold the rights to Waddingtons. “ Tanis Whitfield, grand-daughter of Ernest H Taylor. GHQ GHQ is a game based on the First World War and the board represents the battlefield of Europe. Probably produced in 1920's a contact would like any further details? Another contact states” I have a first world war game by Waddington’s called GHQ. I can't find any references to it anywhere and wonder if you have heard of it or know where I might get it valued.” Another contact comments “ My copy is certainly from the Second World war as all the German pieces have swastikas on them. It seems to me that this edition must date from before the fall of France so places it in early 1940. Do you think that this is an updated version of an earlier game, or is the information that it was a First World War game incorrect?” As you can see the set we have seen is based on the Second World War. Another contact has a Second World War Version and would like a copy of the rules if you can assist. WADDINGTON'S TOTOPOLY For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by dice and by a combination of dice and cards in the race part of the game. One of Waddington's earliest games, with a name designed to cash in on the popularity of Monopoly. Bob Elton has a set dated 1939. "These Earlier sets can be found where the board does come separately, all the other bits in a smaller box. One feature is that the horses stand up in cardboard slots, and can be seen in a line through a cut-out in the box lid (when shut)". {From Ralph Allin}. "An earlier copy of the game (pre 1961) exists with the board and small separate box that you described. However, the individual horses are wooden not metal or plastic (to be more precise they are card in a wooden base) but still arranged in the box in a line standing up." {From Dave Paylor}Jason May tells us he has a 1939 Deluxe Edition of the game (see image) and that it cost 21/- rather than the 7/- standard edition. He wonders if anyone else has a similar copy and what percentage of the games produced were Deluxe. In the 1960’s together with "Risk" Totopoly was the top price game of the range at 27/6. Game was still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50 and according to Games and Puzzles was given a fresh look at that time. Our 1961 set is contained all in one box with the board in thinish card made up of three double-side leaves. Quite a lot of equipment was provided for the money. There are 12 cast metal horses (later sets have plastic ones), a pack of businesses/horses cards, two packs of horse training cards, veterinary report (chance) cards, a large wad of money, betting card slips and a betting totalisor pad, owners club cards and five different race advantage cards. Two people can play quite happily but can't really bet on the horses so the game works best with three or more players. The idea of the game is that one of the two boards is the training ring. The cards for the horses and the businesses that help to train them are dealt. This is a crucial part of the game as you have to decide which cards to keep and which to offer for auction. No player can own both the training stables, run more than three horses in the race and it has to be borne in mind that the black have the best, and the red, yellow and blue horses have a better chance of winning in that order. Two dice are used and during a circuit horses aim to gain colour cards that can be used to advantage in the race and avoid white disadvantage cards. Other cards can be kept that enable you to avoid perils that can befall you during training and in the race. Money plays no part in the training provided you have some income from a business sufficient to pay your bills and pay to have the horse entered in the race. Before the race you have the chance to bet on any horse or horses you wish and you have an idea how well a horse has been trained. One fault we have always felt with the game is that money is irrelevant and the winner of the race is the winner of the game irrespective of how much money any player may have. The prize money for the race comes from the money paid for businesses and entrance fees. One half goes to the winner and one quarter to the second and third. We tend to feel a more interesting game is the player who has the most money as it improves the strategic opportunities to bet and or get a place in the race. The race track is on the other leaves of the board. The race takes a bit of getting used to, one dice is used. Each player nominates one of his horses which can utilise the best of a players throws. Players have to move their horses and then abide by what the length they have moved to specifies. If the length is a colour then the horse gains an advantage if it is the same colour or can throw in a white disadvantage card. If the colour differs a player can gain an advantage by playing the colour card of the horse. After abiding by the first length landed upon the move ENDS. Strategy is which horse to move when and gaining position. Horses can only move lanes if they are three clear lengths in front of the following horse. Certain lengths can eliminate the horse due to a broken rein etc unless you have the appropriate exemption card. An exact throw is required to finish. Totopoly is a good family entertainment game with a good combination of luck and judgement. A contact would like a copy of this game. Another contact is also looking for an old Totopoly board for 1950's? metal horses, set small Waddington's set. WADDINGTON'S SORRY ©:COPYRIGHT 1951, 1963 and 1969, For two to four players, from c6 years, movement by cards. Contents: A Board, four sets of four "Kimbo" type movement tokens and a pack of 44 cards, four of each denomination 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 and 12 and four master "Sorry" cards. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £2.99. A pre Waddington’s version This popular and much reprinted game is basically a children's game. An excellent game if played at the right age. It is basically ludo adapted into a board and card game. Each player has to try to move his tokens from his start to his home by moving them round the board. The various cards are played one at a time at each persons turn. Some cards start a man on the circuit, others allow moves of so many squares and the Sorry Card enables you to take one of your pieces from the start and replace one of your opponents pieces to the start. Like ludo there is a safety zone near the home and home must be reached by an exact move. If a token lands where another is placed it returns that token to the start. There are also slider areas on the circuit where if you land at the start of the slide you push back to the start any tokens on the slide. The game can also be played as a partnership so two older players can play with their siblings. Not a game for the adult player but a wonderful first game for a child to start on the path to gaming. Different sets of this game will exist, ours is the 1969 version with the board and pieces contained in the one box with a plastic tray and the rules printed on the packing cardboard. Andy Hartland tells us that the game predates Waddington’s and exists in a version with a separate board and pieces box dating from the 1920’s or even the 1900’s. Image from Alan and Henri. WADDINGTON'S 64 MILESTONES, THE GAME OF LIFE©: COPYRIGHT 1938 "An original Table Card Game played with an original Series of Cards, An Original Type and lay-out of Board and Original Rules and Methods." U.K. patent applied for May 16th 1938. No.15879/38. For 4 to 12 players movement by dice. Contents. The game is contained in a large 22X15 inches (540X360 CM) box. It contains a board with 2 folding leaves on thick card. Pack of 72 cards, one dice, five pairs of small coloured wooden discs which each have a corresponding plug in wooden token piece. There are also five larger discs with two plug holes in each of the colours. There is also a further small disc with a plug which represents "Aunt Lucy." Two sets of rules are provided. Players have to traverse 64 squares with represent the Milestones of Life from birth to retirement. The life is subdivided into eight stages. Players play as partners and sit at alternate seats round the board. If an odd player is playing he or she is "Aunt Lucy". All the card are dealt out -16 each to 4 players, 12 to six players, 9 to eight players, to 8 players 7 cards each to six players and 8 to the two other players, and 6 cards to 12 players. If Aunt Lucy is playing some players will have one more card than others. Partners then assist each other with advice and exchange of cards through the game but throw the dice and move separately until one partner has reached milestone 42 and the other has passed milestone 31 when then join forces on the larger disc and move forward as one. The cards represent the 64 milestones on the board (less the 6 plus and minus milestones) and 14 wishing bone cards which can be used in lieu of the 7 essential points in the journey but cannot be used for The stork (1) birth, Bank Manager (58) or home (64). Whoever holds Milestone No. 1 card The Stork throws the dice first. If a six is thrown this takes that player to the first "Essential Point" the Doctor. If that player or his partner has the Doctor (6) card he can then take a second throw. If neither has this card he is allowed to ask any one other player once for this. To assist the deduction the Essential point cards are coloured differently and players have to show the backs of their cards. If he asks the correct player he takes the card and has his second throw but if he fails the turn passes to the next player. If a player throws a lesser number an ordinary milestone is landed on. Again if he or his partner holds the card or if he can ask correctly (more difficult as there are more of this type of card) he can throw again but he cannot move beyond the next essential point. If he has or can obtain the essential point card he can then use the balance of his throw. Players cannot move from essential point squares without the appropriate card they can use a wishbone card instead (but not if they have asked for the card in that turn) but they can only be used once and then surrendered. If a players turn ends on a plus point the player moves forward and throws again or a on a minus point where you move back and the turn ends. Once on player reaches Milestone 42- Marriage provided his partner has reached milestone 31 Degree they are married and both players occupy Milestone 42 on the combined disc. Partners then move forward as one unit. On approaching Home Milestone 64 the final finishing and winning move cannot take place until a) an exact throw can be made to home, b) the partners have Essential Milestone card 58 The Banker and c) have the Essential Point card 64 "Home Sweet Home". We have not played this game ourselves so are not sure how good it is. Personally we think it may only be an average but not a great game. If you have played it please let us know what you think. The principle skill lies is players remembering which player holds the cards they need to make the next move; a bit like Cluedo. The more people that can play probably the better the game is. It is probably best suited to an even number as if not one player has to be Aunt Lucy. The game is well made and presented. We are not sure how long it remained in production is may have been a pre-war release that didn’t make it after the Second World War. The game is supposed to last about 90 minutes but the rules offer an extended version where you make two circuits. Contact comments “I have played this game many times, and can confirm with 8+ players who all had a bit to drink that it is a great game although 90 minutes playing time would be very short (more like 3-4 hours) put basically it is a social game, that shouldn't be taken seriously.” Another contact however, puts the game into it’s true context. “I used to play during the war when I was around 8 years old, and it was a real winner with my family (I still have all the cards!) The reason for its popularity at the time was the hope for better things that the war was depriving us of. The Milestones are nearly all occasions where something you long for occurs. I hope that gives another feeling about the game. All the best.” Trevor Hunt. “Invented before the war by my Grandfather, Ernest H Taylor who sold the rights to Waddingtons. I used to play the game with my family, a limited edition in a faux crocodile skin box. I believe there were 3 of this edition produced. According to my Grandfather he created the game for his two daughters Joan and Vivienne, as he was fed up with board games ending in arguments and tears.“ Tanis Whitfield, grand-daughter of Ernest H Taylor. WADDINGTON'S CLUEDO ©: COPYRIGHT 1948, 1965 AND 1972 One of Wadding ton’s most well known games and must be in the top ten of their best selling games, "Clued is "The Great Detective Game". It starts with a crime and works up to a climax. You have to find out who dun nit; where it was done; how it was done, eliminate suspects and pin-point the weapon. As in real life it takes both luck and skill to find the answer." For two to six players from 8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Playing board of "Tudor Close" a nine room manor house with connecting passageways, six tokens representing persons in the house, six metal/rope murder weapons,("the older sets have more substantial pieces, a lead pipe made of real lead, the dagger is painted black with red paint on the blade, the candle stick is chunky, the spanner is a steel colour and the rope is a white string instead of a gold colour"-Paul Johnson), pack of 21 Cards - six of the house persons, six of the weapons and nine room cards, pad of detective note cards, Envelope for murder cards and one dice. Our edition is a relative late 1975 one and the contents are all in one box which has a plastic tray. Many editions will have been produced of this game and early ones have the board separate from the contents box. The 1st edition had purely black and white print on the reverse of the cards and on the box and game board labels. The Second edition differs by the red fingerprint included under the magnifier on the playing cards, game board and box labels. It has wooden type “Kimbo” style pieces and metal weapons. The game Cluedo was invented by Anthony Ernest Pratt, a retired solicitor’s clerk from Birmingham, UK. He came up with the idea in 1944 and approached Waddington’swith view to manufacture. Patent GB586817 UK was issued 1947. Details of the patent are as follows. 586,817. Board games. PRATT, A. E. Dec. 1, 1944, No. 24000. [Class 132 (ii)] A board game comprises a board 1 divided into areas representing rooms of a house connected by small squares, each room having at least one doorway 14 arranged so that no two doorways directly face each other along any single column or row of squares, ten differently coloured movable pieces representing persons, nine tokens each representing a weapon, and a pack of cards having three suits, one suit containing nine cards which correspond with nine of the rooms, another containing ten cards corresponding with the ten persons and the third suit having nine cards corresponding with the nine weapons. Counters may also be provided. The object of the game is to identify a hidden combination of three cards, one from each suit, as a result of information accumulated during play. After some delays caused by post-war shortages, Waddington’s launched the game in 1949. Parker Brothers brought it out in the USA the same year under the name ‘Clue’. The USA edition featured a suspect name change- Mr. Green rather than Rev. Green. It was thought inconceivable that a man of the cloth could be involved in murder. As far as we are aware this game has always been made in an edition based on an English country house with it's very English house guests. To play the murder envelope is filled with one weapon card, one room card and one person card. These cards are chosen in secret as they form the solution to the crime. The weapons are distributed amongst the rooms and the player tokens are placed on their set starting positions. The remaining cards are then shuffled and dealt one each in turn to the players. Players then take turns to move, by dice in straight lines, their chosen house guest to a room of their choice. Once in a room the player can then make an accusation to the player on his left by naming the room they are located in and any other person or weapon. The player on the left must show one of the cards named to that player only. If he cannot show any of the three cards the next player on the left must then show a card if he has one or not and so on. In this way each player will be able to eliminate rooms, persons and weapons from his detective notes from the cards he was dealt and those he is shown by other players. When a player is satisfied that he has deduced who, where and how he can make his one chance at making an accusation. The player then looks at the murder cards and either shows them and wins the game or replaces them having made a false accusation and withdraws and takes no further part in the game except for answering suggestions. There is a good mixture of luck and skill in this game but we don't perhaps regard the game as an outstanding one as much as other people might. It is though a good family fun game and it is not difficult to learn how to play it. The key to the game is carefully recording the information you uncover and finding the correct room as soon as possible. To assist you there are secret passages linking corner rooms diagonal from each other. Although you cannot enter and leave a room in the same turn you can sometimes reach a certain room quicker by entering a room at the end of one turn and leaving it at the other side at the start of the next. You can only make a suggestion from the room you are actually in, any weapons or persons can be called to that room. You can of course bluff and name a card you actually hold in your hand. You may for example not want to call the piece of another player to the room that you are in, particularly if it is possible that that could be the murder room. Spare parts and a board are needed by a contact if you can help go to PARTS . Also a copy of the rules for Junior Cluedo are needed by a contact. See also Cluedo Super Sleuth, and Super Cluedo Challenge, WADDINGTON'S RICH UNCLE FROM THE UNITED STATES. This was originally produced in 1949 and then again for a few years in the 1950's. There is another photo of the game on http://freespace.virgin.net/hidden.valley/richuncle-open.jpg It is described in the sales literature as “A thrilling and entertaining family game. Rich Uncle Pennybags owns the “Daily Bugle” and most of the town. In the course of the game some cleaver player will make his ten thousand grow to fifty thousand. “ The game is better than the sales description suggests it might be. –from Andrew Hartland. WADDINGTON'S SCOOP!©: COPYRIGHT "A Game by the makers of Monopoly." U.K. patent No. 27029/53. Scoop! Trade Mark Regd No. 731718. The patent indicates this game was first invented in 1953. Our copy of the game is in a 10.5" x 8.25" box (27cmX21cm) with a yellow lid and green edges, probably the same sort of box as used for jigsaws. The game is for 4 players, played using cards and a decision making telephone. Contents. Four newspaper layouts consisting of the newspaper page (The Times, Daily Mail, News Chronicle and Daily Sketch) divided up into areas where the newspaper copy is placed. Attached to each page is a green paper area to the left where items in progress are stored and a green area to the right where the money is stored. Pack of 54 cards of 10 "photographer, 7 "general reporter", 7 "star reporter", 4 each of "space salesman", "artist", and "advertiser's approval, 5 "crime reporter" 10 "telephone" and 3 "Scoop!". one cardboard telephone mechanism, newspaper copy cards consisting of 18 Advertiser's announcements from real life advertisers, 8 general stories, 8 crime stories, 8 star stories and 8 triple star stories. Wad of about 100 "Fleet Street Cheque Bank £100 credit bank notes. A set of rules. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £3.45. At the start you are given a newspaper pro forma and 25 credit notes. The idea of the game is to be the first to fill your newspaper proforma with two general stories, two crime stories, two adverts, and one triple star story plus two single star stories or a second triple star stories. This is achieved by drawing a card each turn. The adverts need cards for artist, space salesman and advertisers approval. The stories all need a photographer card, a telephone card and the appropriate reporter card. Cards can also be put into your type matter flap which enables you to buy one or two cards for £100 each so that you can have up to seven cards in your possession. To get the story on the page you then play the cards and dial the telephone number on the card using the telephone card mechanism. This has a ratchet system, which generates a different answer to your call on each occasion. The answers are :- Triple star status given, excellent - other players pay you £200, press - at your discretion you can instruct every paper to go to press and count up, syndicated - each player gives you £500., OK - passed, not passed - scrap it, libellous - cannot use it and no good - editor wants to see you. The Scoop Cards are used to make up sets by taking cards from your own hand or the abeyance flap of yourself or another player. To obtain an advertisement you need a Space Salesman, Artist and Advertiser’s Approval cards.. The game ends when a player fills his proforma. The value of each item on the page and cash in hand is then added up and the person with the most money wins. This game has a great fun value and a pleasant game to play. In today’s terms the stories and adverts are interesting and give a great sense of nostalgia. The game is largely luck but not entirely. 5 player and 6 player versions are also known to exist, (for 6 players mail, telegraph, times, express, chronicle, sketch) these command a premium of about 50% and 100% respectively over the value of the 4 player game but it may depend on the edition. Confirmation of the nature of different editions, the game play details would be appreciated. Thanks to the Allbones we now have and a copy of the rules for the five player game and thanks to David Rayner a copy of the four player game. The only difference in the rules is that it can “be played by two-four players” and there are four newspaper blanks not five. Is the six player game rules just the same variation? – probably. WADDINGTON'S ASTRON ©:COPYRIGHT c1954/1955, Until c2000 we had not heard of this game, Adam Armstrong contacted us looking for the game or information about the game board and number of cards in the game. He had one as a teenager and enjoyed many hours of space flight long before the sophisticated computer fantasy world came into being. Peter Simmonds has since sent him a copy of the rules and also enabled Adam to obtain a copy via E-Bay. Peter has since kindly sent us some images and comments "As you can see, it isn't a 'board' game in the conventional sense, but more of a hollow box with a couple of wooden dowlings at either end, a film of plastic with a grid on which sits a top of the 'board' which is a scroll (also with a grid) which is moved on by the dowlings. The game is played with 6 metal space ships, controlled not by a dice, but by cards. Players are dealt 5 cards each. The goal is to land on numbered space stations. First person to land on one gets 5 points, second 4, third 3 and all others 2 points. You don't have to land on them all, but obviously, the more you land on, the more points at the end. After every player has taken a turn, the 'board' is moved on one position. There are many obstacles in the way to avoid, and since some cards can move the board on rather than move the ships, it is possible to send an opponent into a comet or some such other space hazard. It really is a peach of a game to play." Astron is a unique game in many ways. The board had a plastic grid, and the "Space scape" moves one square every turn. This gave a relative forward motion, which had to be taken into account by the players piloting space ships from Earth to hopefully land on Saturn after landing on the Moon and Mars on the way. Several space stations are placed strategically on the way, in addition to a fatal comet. Two to six players can take part in the mission. Manoeuvring is accomplished through manoeuvre cards giving forward, backward and sideway motion. These cards are dealt randomly five to each player. A "Cosmic upheaval" card can cause the map to move out of turn sequence, sending an opponent into a comet or the rings of Saturn. It can also cause the player using this "wild card" to land himself on a space station. I had one as a teenager and enjoyed many hours of space flight long before the sophisticated computer fantasy world came into being. from Alison Ball There are 55 in the pack that I have. They tell you how to move – there are: Sideways 1 2 3 4 or 5 (only one) spaces Forwards 1 2 3 spaces Backwards 1 2 spaces Homing device 2 cards where you can move one space diagonally in any direction. Finally the family favourite – Cosmic upheaval of either one (2 cards) or 2 (1 card) spaces. This allows you to move the board one or two spaces on which can obliterate anyone who is close to a comet or Saturn’s rings!! from Peter Simmons " originally made by Waddington’s circa 1955. This is the first time I have come across anybody else being aware of its existence, although an American was trying to sell one on embay made by Parker Brothers. In his description, he claims a magazine in the 1980's valued it at $500. Needless to say the reserve wasn't met. " He has now kindly supplied a copy of the rules via the person who made the original request for information. A contact would aso like to know how many playing cards there are in the set for this game and what they depict if you can assist. The rules for this Crossword card game have been kindly provided by T. Albertsson. WADDINGTON'S BUCCANEER ©:COPYRIGHT 1958 This game must be earlier than this as the 1958 set is all in one box. The game dates from the 1940's and was invented by Cecil Whitehouse and Mr. Bull. For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by own decision with cards. Another popular well played game from Andrew's childhood where you sail a ship seeking treasure and try to return to your home port with it before someone waylays you.. The game also stands up fairly well in adulthood if your in the mood for a fun game with people who don't play many games or are not looking for something too intellectual. The earliest edition had a separate box and a cloth playing board. Anthony Gilbert also states "When I was a child, I played with a game at my grandfather's house. The board was rolled up (maybe cloth backed) in a tube, like a real map case. The rest of the pieces were in a small, rectangular box. The ships had sails - we had lost the masts, and had to use matchsticks. The gold was metal (but not gold, unfortunately)." Dick Bell who has a copy of this version has kindly sent some images. Later the cloth board was replaced by a card one. Peter Clinch has confirmed this. "The board on that one was thick card, as is the board in the edition I have now (large box, 6 player version)". A slightly later edition appears to be with the box predominantly black in colour with pirates being depicted on the front. This box has the copyright date of 1958 and is thought to be earlier than the turquoise and red box.. from John Sweeting who would like some confirmation of the date of this version. Our edition from the 1960's has the board and pieces in the one turquoise and mainly red box with a white stripe and a single pirate surrounded in yellow. (as per picture publicity above) It cost 25/6. It has a thinnish card playing board, pack of chance 28 chance cards, pack of crew cards with crew are 10 each of black and red 1, 11 each of black and red 2 (also report of sets with 12 of each) and four each of black and red 3., 1 plastic tray representing treasure island, six plastic ships and pieces of treasure in 5 different varieties. (A contact wants spare treasure or ideas to replicate if you can help go to PARTS ), The idea of the game is to sail from your home port and collect pieces of treasure and take it back to your home port to a total value of 20 points. Ships move by crew cards with 1, 2 or 3 crew on them. Treasure is obtained by sailing to the treasure island and taking a chance card. It can also be obtained by trading crew for treasure at any port, including your opponents. If you have three pieces of treasure of the same type it can be put into a safety zone and can't be traded. The third way of obtaining treasure is to attack another ship. The crew cards are black or red and the difference is the fighting value. The ship with the higher fighting value can demand all treasure on board or 2 crew cards of the losers choice. Luck comes from the chance cards and the skill from getting a good fighting value, getting treasure you can secure at your home port and thinking about where to move. The game is perfectly OK with 2 players but is better with more. A four player edition was published in 1971. Mike Taylor also kindly send us a copy of the rules for a 1976 version of this version of the game. It differs from the original in a number of respects. 1. The board is made up from four sections which interlock around treasure island. 2. The game is for four players with the ports of Bombay and Bristol removed and the one of the two trading ports relocated from adjacent to Flat Island to adjacent to Pirate Island. 3. The ships are more sophisticated having separate mast and sails but there is one less of each type of treasure. 4. Instead of safety zones adjacent to the home ports plastic treasure chests are provided which have card covers and sit outside the board edge. 5. The rules are very similar except that each player only receives five crew cards at the start rather than six and you can no longer attack a ship on the coast of treasure island. Also Clive Wills states "there seem to be two different types of cards in the 1975 game. One of the sets that I have (the spare ones) are a "matt" older fashioned finish, and the other set is glossier and more modern. Also, the pearls changed slightly between the two sets. " Image of 4 player game from mid 1970's publicity literature from Colin White. With up to four players we think the playability of the game will be similar to the original. It is fairer having a trading port on each side of the board. The best possible games though are those, which involve five or six players. A 1983 version for 2-4 players also exists. It has 6 ports, London, Venice, Genoa, Amsterdam, Marseilles, and Cadiz. It seems to be the same as the 1976 version with 5 different sorts of treasure each with 5 pieces. There are 16 “1” buccaneer cards, 8 red and 8 black, 14 “2” buccaneer cards, 7 red and 7 black and 6 “3” buccaneer cards 3 red and 3 black. We have 28 chance cards with 4 plastic treasure chests with covers. Information and images, thanks Andy Murdoch. Australian version of "BUCCANEER" from Wendy and Harry Taylor On The Cover: Copyright 1970 John Waddington Ltd Leeds England. Another Murfett Game "An Exciting Game of Piracy on The High Seas For 2 - 4 Players 8 Years And Upward". It has A Pirate on the left hand side and two pictures and a map in the background Inside The Lid: Contents: Playing Board,4 Ships, 4 Sails and masts, 5 diamonds, 5 rubies, 5 pearls, 5 gold bars, 5 rum barrels, pack of crew and chance cards. Also inside the Lid: Copyright 1971 (Which is a Contradiction to the Cover date of 1970) John Waddington Ltd., Patrick Green, Woodlesford, Leeds LS26 8HG, England. 28 Chance Cards Nos. 1 to 28 - crew Cards The covers of the Chance Cards are Black and White The covers of the Crew Cards and Green and White WADDINGTON’S ESCALADO ©? Escalado is the classic horse racing game. This action packed family game offers two game play options. For a quick game, choose a horse for a single race, for the full Escalado experience, try to accumulate the most money during a 6 race meeting. Escalado is just like the thrills and excitement of a real horse race. Simply set up the game, turn the handle and cheer the horses down the track! We are not sure when Waddington’s produced their version but the game is much older. We think it was originally produced by Chad Valley 1940’s? or even earlier with cast metal horses and wooden pegs to delay/tumble them. A simple but exciting game. A contact would like a copy of the rules. WADDINGTON'S CAREERS ©:COPYRIGHT 1957 "Careers is Waddington’s game of 'How to make money and influence people'. It's a race to succeed. Each player goes after his secret ambitions for money fame or happiness. With eight different careers to choose from, the prizes are high. Be a famous film star, the first man on the moon, or the head of government. You'll find the way to the top is far from smooth, there are risks to be taken, scandals arise, and taxes must be paid. But at the end there's room at the top for the lucky winner." For two to six players from 8 years, movement by dice and cards. Contents, Two leaf thick card folding Playing board, six Kimbo type tokens, pack of 25 experience Cards, pack of 27 opportunity cards, 1 pad of score sheets, two dice, and a pack of play money in six denominations. Still on sale in 1977 cost £4.50. Each player is given a score sheet, token, £1,000 note and a starting salary of £1,000. On the score sheet each player secretly writes down his own personal success formula, which is made up of 60 points. £1,000 equals 1 point and there are also fame and happiness points. The first player to equal or exceed his success formula wins. You can win concentrating on just money or happiness etc alone but your best chance is to include some of each type of point. I personally prefer more happiness that fame or money but then you can suddenly strike it rich as well. Choosing what you think is the best formula is the key to the game. You can also give yourself a tough formula is you find you are winning too easily! Two dice are used on the outside of the board. If you land on a white square you may enter that career on your next turn. Each career has entry requirements, the more desirable the career the higher the requirements and some require experience of other careers or university. If you land on a yellow square you draw an opportunity knocks card. These allow you to move to the career mentioned immediately or on a subsequent turn. Some cards are special "free entry" cards. Landing on pink squares or a corner square means you have to follow the instructions. You can land yourself in hospital, the park bench or square where you can buy fame or happiness for hard cash or pay taxes. If you land on a square occupied by another player that player is bumped straight to the park bench unless he bargains a card or a fee. If you enter a career you use one dice. Each career square offers bonuses or penalties. You complete a career when you land back on the outside track. You then gain experience of that career which gives you free entry if you want to enter that career again. You also gain an experience card (2 or three on subsequent visits). These experience cards allow you to plan your moves as you can use one to move instead of throwing the dice which can be VERY useful if you want to land on a particular square. Each time you pass payday on the outer board you collect your annual salary which increases or decreases as you pass through careers, even better is to receive double salary for landing on the square. If you have been through one career three times you can "retire" to the Bermuda Vacation square. There you gain happiness on throws of 7 or less. If you are in hospital or on the park bench you can only leave if you pay half your salary or throw 5 or less (hospital) or spend half your cash or throw 7, 11 or a double (park bench), you can't escape by using cards etc.. Our set is early 1960's and the board is contained in a big box. The cost was 25/6. Earlier sets exist with the board separate from the box. We have played this game many times and Andrew played it numerous times as a child. Some may dismiss it as a game with little strategy and too much "throw the dice and react to the square you land on". Careers is we feel more than that, it's a real fun game and there is strategy in what you choose for your success formula and how quickly you can then achieve it. Some careers are better than others for success. Go to sea or farm for happiness, politics and Hollywood are good for fame. Big business and prospecting are good for increasing your bank balance. The moon expedition is the greatest risk but the greatest rewards. Money can seem easy to acquire and can buy fame or happiness but there are plenty of square to spend large amounts of it as well. What you try and when is key and also how you use your experience cards. The games are of reasonable length but always reach a conclusion. For a fairly pleasant games evening it is highly recommended. WADDINGTON’S CONTACK DOMINO GAME. © ? The Game Contains: 36 Triangular Numbered Pieces, The Instructions Booklet, Cardboard Insert. A contact would like a copy of the rules for this game please. Later reissued as a budget Target Series game in 1966. WADDINGTON’S SKUDO © ? "The Exciting Chase Game For All the Family." For 2-4 players probably dating from the 1960’s. Have not played it but is a ludo or Downfall variant. This Great Family Game is Similar to Ludo,But Has Additional Features. The Object is to Move Your 4 Playing Pieces Completely Around the Board Before Entering Home. The Game Board Has 4 Revolving Discs on the Board,Which Alter the Routes Available Around the Board - This Can Help or Hinder Players as They Attempt to Get Home. Throw a Six and Revolve a Disc. Fun Family Game. Contents 16 Men ( Four Each in Four Colours). 1 Dice. Copy of rules received, thanks Marge Wilson. A further edition was produced in 1970 with Kimbo style counters. WADDINGTON’S TEST MATCH ©: COPYRIGHT ? Gerald has kindly sent us some details of this game which we reproduce below. Bowling. The control (?) on the right is the bowler. The dial can be moved into 7 positions. Position 1 for the first ball of the over, 2 for the second etc. This controls a circular dial and in the window a picture appears identifying the type of ball bowled; such as "leg break, bouncer, etc or even No Ball". the seventh position was used for the seventh or greater no of balls in the over. Batsman. the left hand dial worked in the same way but this time each position represents the type of ball received and in the window appeared the result, and could be the number of runs scored (0-6), or if a wicket is taken. the dials top centre maintain the score. It’s a game of cricket with the bowler bowling a ball (6 or more per over, as in the real game), and the batsman trying to score runs off each ball. I had hours of fun with this in the sixties, and even found out how to cheat.... A very simple game to play and manufacture. The controls turned a circular "toothed" card. WADDINGTONS Z CARS CIRCA 1960 2-4 PLAYERS aged7+ OBJECT OF THE GAME Move your piece from the corner starting square to the Police HQ. in the centre of the board. Players move by throw of the dice and must follow the instructions printed on the square landed on. At a road junction, you may choose which road to take but not return along the road driven. The game is won when a car reaches Police Headquarters by an exact throw of the dice. CONTENTS 1 x playing board, 4 x police car playing pieces, 1 x dice, set of rules printed on inside box The game re-lives the nostalgia of the series. The rules are printed on the inner box packaging with information about the TV program … "Most of the credit for the success of the Z Cars series on BBC television, must go to its two scriptwriters, Troy Kennedy-Martin and Allan Prior. They are both individual and different personalities but they work together to produce a programme which combines exciting drama with a down-to-earth reality. It is hard to see where Troy Kennedy-Martin has learned the factual background to the Z Cars series, for he spent most of his life outside England, and has never lived in Liverpool. He was born in Scotland, educated in Dublin, where he specialised in American studies. He was sent to Cyprus with the Gordon Highlanders in 1956 and at present lives in France. He flies from France every week to deal with the Z Cars production. In addition to Z Cars, he has contributed to the Somerset Maughan series and has written a very successful TV play Incident at echo six. Also his book Beat on a damask drum won him a coveted Times book club award. Allan Prior was born in Newcastle where he assimilated the background which gives authenticity to the Z Cars script. He now lives in St. Albans with his wife and two children. He is a good swimmer, plays badminton, and is a valued member of his local cricket club. Like his partner, Allan Prior is also a novelist and his Man at the door sold in gratifyingly large numbers. Among his previous TV successes he counts, Young affair, Starr and company and a series starring Wilfred Pickles called Yorky. He has also written a documentary on Sir John Barbirolli and has contributed to Coronation Street, Top secret and Inner circle.” WADDINGTON'S GO ©:COPYRIGHT 1961, The International Travel Game (not to be confused with Go the Japanese strategy game with points and black and white stones) For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A Board, six pairs of "Kimbo type" movement tokens. wads of currency for eleven different currency areas, wad of £200 Traveller's cheques, sets of 36 luck and risk cards, set of 32 Souvenir cards, two pads of travel ticket forms, a chart showing international fares, two rule books and one dice. The object of the game is to plan a journey to visit a number of principal cities of the world, starting from London and purchase souvenirs in these cities and be the first player to return to London with the agreed number of souvenirs. The number of souvenirs required determines the length of the game. Travel can be made by Air, sea rail or road. Each player uses one token on the outside of the board to exchange money into local currency to purchase tickets for the appropriate ticket office or from Thomas Cook. the other token is then used on the inner board to make the journey. You need an exact throw or an appropriate Luck Card to complete a journey. Luck cards can be picked up on the outer board and risk cards on the inner board. Andrew liked this game as a teenager as he was interested in transport and Geography and the playing equipment is very pretty. As a game it is not one of Waddington's best efforts. There is little interaction between the players and most of the play depends on luck. Provided you ensure you change enough of the right currency to buy the tickets and souvenirs; much depends on your throw of the dice and how lucky you are with the luck and risk cards. There are though only two souvenir cards for each city so you have to make sure you travel to cities that still have souvenirs available. The travellers cheques are superfluous and are not mentioned in the rules and we soon tired of completing travel tickets so they are really of little use either. Other touches are a casino to game your money and customs squares to relieve you of one of your souvenirs or some of that local currency you were hoping to buy your next travel ticket! Sharon & Richard comment “We have a cardboard board which folds up and sits in the lid box (it is printed on the back with a design very similar to that on the front of the box)” We are not 100% sure but we think that this was included in the Gibson’s version of the game and they have a Gibson’s version which takes a rigid board which folds in two as usual. They also mention that Gibson’s later issued a later Travel Go with a board, which has four pieces which slot together like a jigsaw. They can also offer a set of parts for this game except the tokens and the board. WADDINGTON'S KIMBO ©:COPYRIGHT 1961 "Kimbo (Waddington's game of fences) is a dynamic and original fast paced game for two to four players. Kimbo involves not only the movement of playing pieces but also "fences". Because of these "fences" and their effect, no two games are alike. Here is a game that is completely different, the outcome is always excitingly uncertain to the very end." For two to four players from 8 years, movement by dice. Our copy cost 21/- and is illustrated in the advert above. The game was priced at the bottom of the range. Contents, Playing board of extra thick card to allow for slots to be punched into the sides of the playing squares, four sets of four Kimbo plastic tokens as shown in the illustration, four sets of six plastic fences and two dice. The game was also produced by Parker Brothers Inc ©:COPYRIGHT 1960 and was invented by Robert S. Maggee a ball bearing manufacturer. Parkers quickly sold 60,000 sets and was their best seller for Christmas 1960 but it didn’t last long after that. The game has some similarities to Ludo. There are four starting area with two exits in each of the corners and a central home area with four entrances. Each player puts one of his playing pieces in each of the corners and places his fences in a set pyramid formation on the part of the board in front of him. Players can then move a fence of his own colour and place it in any vacant slot and then roll the dice. The player can move one piece the full throw or use the throw of one die for one piece and the other for a second piece. Pieces must not move diagonally and must move in one horizontal or vertical direction. If a fence is reached the piece has to make a 90 degree turn left or right and continue. If a player rolls a double he can use his throw to jump a piece next to a fence over that fence. Whenever a player lands by exact count on a space occupied by an opponents piece the player returns that piece to any of the starting corners. The first player to get all four of his pieces into the home space by exact count wins the game. As a child Andrew was not impressed by this game looking at it in the shop window. Games like Buccaneer and Careers looked much more exciting than the rather bland cover of this abstract game! Sonia and I have though played it many times in later life. It is simple to play yet it depends as much on placing the fences to best effect as the luck of the dice. It is best with four people and a good game to play with others at, say Christmas, as it is not difficult to learn how to play. We may be wrong but we don't think this was one of Waddington's more successful games and as in the United States was probably produced for only a limited time. WADDINGTON'S RISK! ©:COPYRIGHT , U. K. Patent No. 765037 One of Waddington's most well known and long lasting games and must be in the top ten of their best selling games. The game has seen a revival in recent years with fans among the younger professionals such as the founder of Eidos the U. K. Games manufacturer. The game has now also been recreated as a computer game. "Risk! is Waddington's game of strategy that embraces Continents, spans Oceans and involves a talent for planning and tactics as well as skill and luck. An unusual and dynamic game, the sweeping dramatic moves of many pieces make the play vital and thrilling. Risk is undoubtedly a great game." For three to six players from 8 years, movement by individual decision. This game will have been produced in a number of editions. Our copy is the one illustrated in the advert above. The game was priced at the top of the range at 27/6. Contents, Playing board of thinnish card of the world divided up into 6 continents, sub-divided into 42 territories, six sets of wooden playing pieces comprising 70 one army cubes and several bead shaped pieces representing ten armies, pack of 44 Cards plus one title card which is not used in the play, 3 red dice and two white dice. The title card and the two cards with three armies shown on the card are removed and the remainder of the cards which all depict a territory are dealt. Each player then puts an army on each of the territories he has been dealt. All cards are then returned and all the cards plus the two three army cards are reshuffled and placed face down. On each of a players turns he receives one extra army for each three territories he occupies with a minimum of three. In addition for each compete continent that he occupies he gains additional armies depending on the size of the continent. These armies can be placed all on one territory or among several but as you can only attack adjacent territories it is best to deploy on those. You are not forced to attack but you can attack any adjacent territory occupied by an opponent. An attacker must have a least one more army than the number of red dice he throws. e.g. two armies, throw one dice, three armies one or two dice and four or more armies he can throw one, two or the maximum three dice. The defending player will then throw one dice if he has only one army on the territory or two if he has more than that. The conflict is resolved by comparing the throws. If the attackers highest dice if greater that the defenders highest the defender removes one of his armies. If the defenders dice is equal to or higher than that of the attacker the attacker has to remove one of his attacking armies (i.e. the defender has the odds in his favour). This process is then repeated for the next highest dice. The attacker can continue to attack any adjacent territory provided he has at least two armies. He may attack any adjacent territory in any combination provided the number of dice he is using is stated and which territory is being attacked. When an attacker has caused the last army to be removed from a territory he must immediately move into that territory at least as many armies as the number of dice thrown plus any additional armies from the same territory provided one army is left. When the player cannot or does not wish to make any further attacks he can make one free move from one country he occupies to another provided one army remains in all territories. If a player has captured at least one territory he can take a card which are valuable but he receives no card if he has not captured a territory. These cards depict either horsemen, cannons or foot soldiers and also two joker cards depicting one of each. These cards can be made up into sets of three of the same type of forces, or one of each kind or two the same plus one joker. On his turn the player can cash in a set of cards for additional armies. He does not have to do this until he has five cards at the start of a turn. Each set cashed in is worth more than the last. The first set is worth 4, the second 6, the sixth 15 and the eighth 25 armies for example. The aim of attacking is to gain territories and more importantly to eliminate an opponent. If he does he gains all the cards that player holds and must cash in more sets until he has four or less cards. Andrew has played Risk on a number of occasions. He rates it as a good game and whatever he says it is very popular it is though by no means his favourite game. It has the advantage of being easy to learn how to play but you do need at least three people and the more the better. There is also the problem that players drop out before the game ends. Perhaps too much depends on the throw of the dice. No matter how many armies you have if you luck is out you won't succeed in occupying new territories. Having said that strategy and tactics are also very much part of the game. It is essential to gain a card each time and sometimes the same territory passes hands several times as adjacent players seek to gain a card without committing much effort. Try to build up a position or strength, isolated forces all over the place will be eliminated. Try to occupy a whole continent and then try to make sure you don't lose any of the territories. Conversely if you can break a players hold on a continent it will weaken him more than any other territory. If planning a major attack think out carefully the order to take the territories you want to occupy. A large army needs to finish in a good defensive position next to an opponent not next to your other forces. Games are often won by a strategic gamble on when to cash that set in and whether you can eliminate an opponent who will yield cards enabling you to place more armies on the board to possibly then eliminate the remaining player and win the game. Well worth a try if you like aggressive military games, but make sure your friends don't end up taking their loss out on you, things can get very tense at Risk, Waddington's didn't call it that for nothing! WADDINGTON'S RAILROADER ©:COPYRIGHT 1963 A race in the wild west, to pioneer the first railroad from Junction City to Buffalo Creek - using scale model track and trains. All the thrills of the romantic West-smoke signals, ambushes, outlaws, train-robbers, floods and landslides. And all the time a struggle to delay your opponents by placing dynamite on their tracks." For two to four players from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Large playing board with holes punched in four comparable routes, 104 sections of track - 72 straights, 16 left-hand curves and 16 right-hand curves, four plastic trains comprising engine, coach and caboose, pack of 24 Chance Cards, 20 red cubed boxes of dynamite, four green cubed line clear markers and two dice. In a turn players throw one dice to lay one to three lengths of track (4-12 spaces) or throw two dice to move the train forward on track already built but if you run out of track you are derailed and have to move seven spaces back. If you land on a red hazard space you take a chance card. If you land on a blue river space you can place dynamite on a rivals track. This means that that player has to move at half speed until he reaches it or if dynamite is placed immediately in front of an engine the engine moves back four spaces. If you land on an ambush square you are delayed until the engine runs light from the previous garrison post. The game was a top price range one at 27/6 and it's best feature is the artwork on the box and the quality of the track and trains etc. The game itself is little more that the classic race game livened up by the equipment. There is only one possible route for the track and limited scope for strategy. It was though an exciting game to play for a young Andrew keen on railways! WADDINGTON'S LASSOO © 1963 Join Armand Denis on Safari. Armand Denis a Belgian wildlife photographer together with his second wife Michaela made many BBC wildlife programmes in the late 1950's and early 1960's. A magnetic hoopla game using 3 magnetic rings. You throw the rings to go over the spots on the board to catch the animals. Various animals are depicted which you have to "lassoo" to add to your zoo. To win you have to lasso 4 Monkeys, 2 Antelopes, 2 Zebras, 2 Lions, 2 Giraffes, 2 Snakes, 1 Rhino and 1 Elephant. The game contains an uncut print-out sheet of the animals. Thanks to Eric from France for images and Brian Fisher for the animal details. MILLE LE NORMAND'S From Rod Oakley -Pack of cards Published by John Waddington Ltd. From Thierry Depaulis -This is a very classic French fortune-telling pack -- not a "Tarot" pack! -- invented in 1845 and marketed by Grimaud, the main French card manufacturer from c.1890 on. In 1963 Waddington’s took a significant share in Grimaud's capital, before drawing back in 1969. Therefore I think these cards, most probably made in France, were sold in Britain between 1963 and 1969. WADDINGTON'S BATTLE OF THE LITTLE BIG HORN ©:COPYRIGHT 1964, "In 1876 was fought one of the epic battles of North-West American history this game attempts to enable you to re-live this historic battle planning your own strategy." For two players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A heavy single sided Board made of three sections, hand painted plastic models comprising 3 mounted Indian Chiefs, 3 mounted tomahawk Indians, six Indians with rifles, General Custer, two officers, six men and the regimental flag, and two dice. The object of the game is to play out the battle and try to reverse the course of history. Andrew has played this game once back in the early sixties. He remembers he wasn't too impressed with the game. The pieces and board are lovely but the game probably doesn't live up to expectations. We don't think the game was manufactured for many years. “The game itself is very simplistic, not demanding at all; minimum tactical awareness is needed, and its far too reliant on luck to repay repeated playing. This, coupled with the fact that the plastic figures it came with could be used outside of the game (and hence lost) meant that a complete set soon became an extremely rare item” Nick Cooper. An Indian is needed by a contact if you can help contact us. If you have or want spare parts see TIPS WADDINGTONS BONANZA RUMMY GAME © 1964 Basically a familiar card game packaged as a TV related item WADDINGTON'S SPY RING ©:COPYRIGHT 1965 "Players take the part of spies in the diplomatic quarter of Bludt, in Espiona. To be a successful spy you must be aware of everything that goes on around you. Is the embassy you want to enter unguarded? Can you move your contact man so to frustrate a rival's plan? - or catch him in a prohibited area? Can someone pop up unexpectedly from one of the underground tunnels and claim one of your secrets? All the time you must keep an eye on the code words-never a dull moment." For two to four players from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Playing board, four plastic spies, four plastic contact men, four wireless aerials, sixteen plastic tokens (four red, four blue, four green, four yellow), pack of 40 Secret Cards (if you can help go to PARTS , and one dice. One of Waddington's better games with a blend of chance and skill and a game that doesn't require much rule book reading to be able to start to play. The game doesn't take too long to play and will reach a conclusion. The board consists of 16 embassies on which the secret tokens are shuffled and placed face down, one on each embassy. The roads which link the embassies have a prohibited area outside them, with blue spotting areas next to the prohibited area. Certain road squares have manhole covers and the roads are divided by uncross able areas of trees. The aim of the game is to collect secret cards. Each card has two letters on it which can be used to make up the word "fish" in different languages. The more cards used to make a word the more points that word is worth and the player that can make the best words plus one point for each card is the winner. To gain secret cards you throw the dice and move to an embassy. You can then examine the token and if it is your colour you can claim two secret cards. If not you place the token back face down on any empty embassy safe. It is therefore important to remember which tokens you have examined and which tokens other players have replaced might be your colour. You can also claim a secret card from another spy if you can move to an adjacent road square or move to a blue square and spot a spy who has move onto a red prohibited area trying to enter an embassy. Spies can also move from one manhole cover to any other for one single space move. If you throw one it is a mixed blessing. Firstly you have to put your aerial on and contact your con man. The con man can a) look at the token if he has been placed inside an embassy and claim secret cards, b) move his con man to another embassy or outside an embassy so he can spot another spy or c) move a rivals con man to another position. The down side of throwing one is that you then have to throw again. You then have to try to move to hide, you can move to safety inside an embassy but you can't look at the token. In their turn other spies can then spot you an claim a secret card if they or their con man can view you uninterrupted by trees or buildings. Which secret card you claim can be important as you try to make up your own code words and/or try to spoil other players words. The game continues until a) all secret tokens have been claimed, b) a player has claimed all his four tokens and can make any two code words (the Chinese and Japanese characters count as a word in their own right). The player has to declare which two words he is making and then has to enter one of the embassies involved in his next turn assuming that other players are unable to steal a secret card from him before his next turn. The winner though is still the player who can score the most points. A good game, you have to remember the tokens, move your spies an con men to best effect and fathom out how to make those code words. In 1977 the game was updated and reissued costing £4.99. The game was simplified somewhat to increase the appeal to younger players. The sixteen secret tokens were altered to show “formula”, “atom”, “circuit” and “microfilm” instead of the colours. Decoders and decoder cards which assemble to form a holder for up to five code secret tokens were also included. Also a second dice added. The secret cards and radio aerials appear though to have been abandoned. If a player throws a double he can use his bodyguard to return any spy to it’s starting position and can gain a secret token if he can correctly guess the type it is. WADDINGTON'S FORMULA 1 ©:COPYRIGHT ? For two to six players, movement by own decision We have had many happy hours playing this game invented by John Howart and Trevor Jones. The concept of the game is very clever, as the dice are not used for moving the cars in any way but merely for deciding penalties. Each 20 m.p.h represents one section of track and speed can be increased by up to 60 m.p.h. per turn. Corners are marked with the maximum recommended speed. If you take the corner beyond that speed you then throw the dice to see if you incur penalties. The risk of escaping without penalty is higher if you exceed by +40 m.p.h than +20 m.p.h.. The penalties are wear to the tyres or brakes or you can spin off all together which occurs in any event if you are +60 m.p.h.. You then have to start at zero speed next move. You can brake by 20 m.p.h. without penalty but braking more than that incurs higher penalties of brake and tyre wear. If you are baulked by other cars preventing you from moving you can incur large amounts of wear. If your tyres lose their tread completely you have to keep to safety speeds and if your brakes are worn you must spin off if you need to brake by more than 20 m.p.h. Each lap you can stop at the pits to fit new brakes and tyres but you have to take a card, which often delays you. You also receive five tactic cards at the start of the game, which can be played to advantage during the game. Two players should drive two cars each. The game is the usual Waddington's combination of skill and luck with players having to decide how fast to risk taking each corner and making sure they are not baulked. Contents Race playing area -Ours is in medium card in one piece folded into 4 sections. The penalty chart is on the first and third sections. Later sets (copyrighted 1973) the board is 2 Piece, each folded in half, same track layout (AFAIK) but no labels for the corners or anything, just some tacky photos. 2 pile markers in the middle for the pit & tactic cards, quite thick card. 6 dash boards, 6 plastic racing cars, 2 dice, 15 orange pit cards and 30 green tactic cards. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £4.95. Two box designs are known. There is an artwork version with one single car and a laurel wreath motif and a photographic version with more than one car. the penalty chart is No. on dice --------- Safety speed ---------- Penalty 2 3/3 4/4 or 12 +20 +40 No penalty 3 or 11 +20 +40 Spin off do not alter gauges (except speed) 4,5 or 8 +20 +40 Tyre wear 1 6 0r 10 - - - - - - + 40 Tyre wear 1 7 or 9 +40 Tyre wear 1, brake wear 1 A contact would like a copy of this game. WADDINGTON'S MINE A MILLION ©:COPYRIGHT 1965 (also produced as THE BUSINESS GAME) For two to six players, movement by dice. Equipment Board of two joined leaves, 12 mine derricks (2 of each of 6 colours), 6 lorries, 5 barges, 2 ships, 90 pyramids (15 of each of 6 colours), 24 cubes (4 of each of 6 colours), 26 production cards, 6 Canal Co. Title Deeds, 2 production debit cards, 1 dice, sterling and dollar currency. Andrew had great delight when this game arrived by post as an early Christmas treat. I had saved up for it myself and had obtained it by mail order through an offer with the Nabisco breakfast cereal "Shreddies". As far as I remember it cost 17/6 (75p) instead of the normal 21/6 (£1.07.5p). It is a great game for up to six players and works well with 2 players operating two mines and with three, four or six players. It is not so good with five as the competition factor on one side of the board is uneven with the other. It is one of my top ten favourite games as I love transport games. Each player operates an ore producing mine. The ore then has to be transported initially by lorries and also later by barges to the coastal warehouse. All transport has to be hired and there is always less transport available than required favouring those who are prepared to take a risk on achieving a quick journey without mishap. For example there are only 5 barges and always one less than the numbers of players to encourage competition and load sharing. You can also force other players to pay you for taking their ore to make up a barge load as all barges have to travel fully laden. Much depends on how long a journey takes. New ore can only be obtained by throwing a 1 or a six which also triggers the playing of a production card which can be favourable or not. Later on in the game barges and ships are used to transport ore out to sea to foreign ports to sell to gradually earn the Million Dollars needed to win the game. The Game was later retitled "The Business Game" and was later made under licence by Gibsons Games. DON’T MISS THE BOAT Copyright 1965 Parker Bros. Inc. Copyright 1966 John Waddington Ltd., Makers of “Monopoly”, Regd. Trade Mark A contact “would love to play it with my own children but can’t remember how. Can you help with instructions please?” WADDINGTON’S TABLE SOCCER © 1965 2 Players. The game consists of a cardboard pitch with two teams of plastic men on flat sturdy bases. The ball is a tiddlywinks counter. Each player sets out the team to his liking and the play is for the ball to be flipped to another player in the same team. Each player can then move two men into better positions and possession goes to the nearest player. Plastic goals are provided at each end. . Not played it. Cost £2.00. Copy of the rules received - thanks Ian Sayles. WADDINGTON'S CAT AND MOUSE © 1965 A simple and Fun Children's Game for 2 - 4 Players. Ages 4 Upwards. The Board consists of a Grid of Squares with mice printed on them in different directions. If you land on a square with your mouse, you turn it as Indicated and make your next move in that direction. Some squares are holes and if your mouse lands there it falls down into the box which has a cat printed on it. The last player who has a mouse left wins. Contents 1 Playing Board. 6 Mice in Four Colours. 1 Dice. One set of Rules. WADDINGTON’S CRIB-BOX © ? We have a board game called "Crib-Box" based on cribbage. The stock no. is 302. The game has a board and cards. Rules now received, thanks Alan and Henri. WADDINGTON’S CLICK© 1967 Complete with rules, 4 full original crayons for marking the score, 5 original dice, 4 laminated marker cards. I have yet to play it but it looks very similar to Yahtzee. The box is the same size as "Pit". from Darren Mclean. 2-4 players The object of the game is to secure the highest score with eleven turns.You may throw the dice three times at your turn.On each throw you put aside the dice you need for your combination.Very similar to yahtzee. Copy of the rules received thaks Andrew Kelly. BATTLESHIPS 1965 stock no. 308 - Travel version? 1965 stock no. 323. Pat no.890171 Again, the box is the same size as "Pit" and "Click" Inside there are the rules and approximately 30 original "maps" to mark down where your own fleet and your opponents fleets are. There is also an inner section which has on it various diagrams illustrating the different shapes of the pieces (both land and sea). from Darren Mclean WADDINGTON’S CAMELOT ©: COPYRIGHT TRADE MARK REG. No. 513204 “A fascinating game for 2 players. Command a small medieval army of knights and men and attack your enemies’ castle. A quick moving game of attack and defence, skilful but easy to learn. The playing pieces are realistic models of knights on horseback and men at arms.” For players age 8 upwards. Contents - Two leaf thick card folding Playing board, two sets of plastic pieces in red and white consisting of ten men and four knights. Our set is all enclosed in a lidded box but it may exist as an earlier version with a separate board. The pieces are placed on set starting places with the four knights placed at the ends of the two rows of pieces on each side. The game is won by the player who can move two of his pieces onto the Starred Squares representing the enemy castle at the opponent’s end of the board. The game can also be won if one player eliminates the other. Pieces can move one square in any direction onto a vacant square. A piece can also jump in any direction over any piece in an adjoining square provided there is a vacant space beyond it in a direct line. An enemy piece jumped over is immediately removed. Like draughts the piece is then obliged to jump over any further enemy piece that it can jump over. A piece can also “canter” i.e. jump over a friendly piece and may then jump over further friendly pieces. The knights can also move by means of a knight’s charge. He can canter over a friendly piece and then jumps over and remove an opponents piece. We had thought that this game was first produced in the late 1950’s but Andy Harland thinks is was 1966 or by 1970. Andrew saw one in a shop in that year and it is not listed in the c1960 sales leaflet. Andrew was not attracted to buy the game, it looked just like a glorified draughts and other games seemed more exciting. He seems to remember the set the local shop had was on the shelf for a long time! We have not played this game so it may be more pleasing to play that it first appears. The artwork on the box is quite attractive. WADDINGTON’S SLAM © 1967 WADDINGTON'S TENNIS GAME AND BADMINTON ©1966. Made by Waddington's 1966. Suitable for ONE, 2, 3, and 4 Players. Contents are 4 Tennis (badminton)Rackets, 4 shuttlecocks or (Feathers) With metal nibs at the ends, And 2 Cardboard nets these push together to make one large net through the middle of the green, 1 large Green paper court, As it is difficult to follow the movement of a ball in miniature tennis, both tennis and Badminton games are played using a Badminton Feather (Shuttle cock). Basically you are to smooth out the Green Court, decide who will serve first, you have markers, The game is basically like playing tennis or badminton, the rackets have small legs at the hand end of the racket so you are able to flick the racket up and serve or bat. WADDINGTON’S STEEPLECHASE A simple travel horse racing game c1966. WADDINGTON’S PITSTOP A mini travel version variant of Formula 1 c1966 WADDINGTON’S THUNDERBIRDS c1966 Contents, board, cards, T1-T4, 9 red pyramid Hood alarm markers. Contact has the game with the figure of "The Hood" missing. Can you help, also a copy of the rules would be appreciated? WADDINGTON’S CAPTAIN SCARLET © 1967 Rules from Nick Cooper description to follow. WADDINGTON’S WHOOPS © 1967 Game thought to date from 1967 (Pete Simmonds) “It is mainly for children, I think, although the theme - using mothers with prams and babies to stop taxis getting around - is a bit non-child friendly”. From Sharon Hall . Rules now received thanks Tim Allen. WADDINGTON’S WHOOPS © ? A different children's game for children 4+. 2-4 Players. Date of production unknown. WADDINGTON’S JEKYLL AND HIDE ©? Rules from Nick Cooper description to follow. WADDINGTON’S BOOBYTRAP © 1967 This is a wooden framed game of skill and a little luck. As described on the box- "new spring-bar game, for action packed thrills" The idea is to take out the discs that are caught in the booby trap with out causing the spring-bar to "SNAP" Each player takes one disc out each turn and whoever ends up with the most points after all penalties have been accounted for, is the winner. Copy of rules appreciated if you have a set. This is a wooden framed game of skill and a little luck. As described on the box- "new spring-bar game, for action packed thrills" The idea is to take out the discs that are caught in the booby trap with out causing the spring-bar to "SNAP" Each player takes one disc out each turn and whoever ends up with the most points after all penalties have been accounted for, is the winner. Copy of rules appreciated if you have a set. WADDINGTON’S BLAST-OFF © 1969 A contact asks "Have you any information of the above, i.e. “A game of modern space exploration and technology”, for 1 to 4 players. Copyright 1969 by John Waddington Ltd Stock No.407 " “Blast-Off". We have an original 1969 copy of this game so we should be able to answer any questions. It was made, as I recall, not long after the moon landing (if it ever took place...) and was not one of their most popular games. There isn't much skill involved, mainly chance, although is plays smoothly and the board looks good. Overall, it is absorbing.” From Graham Ward. WADDINGTON'S AIR CHARTER ©:COPYRIGHT 1970. Game for two to four players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A Board, four plane movement tokens, four fuel gauges, wad of currency in six different denominations, sets of plastic pyramids representing cargo - 30 (approx) white and five each of red, blue, green yellow and purple, sets of 20 incident and 20 freight cards, two rule books and one dice. The object of the game is to convey freight by aeroplane to small airports in Australasia and S. E. Asia and make the highest profit. Each player has a demand freight card to fulfil of conveying goods or the white pyramids, which represent special foodstuffs to a particular airport. Fuel is paid for and expended by dice throw. When an airport is reached there is a circling zone as an exact throw is needed to enter a runway. If you are unlucky and run out of fuel you have to pay £500 for an emergency landing which is back at home base if you are between airports or on the airport parking strip if you are within the circling area. One of the great advantages of the game is that it can be played at this simple but interesting level or played at the full level. In the full game players compete to transport the same cargo demand and pay other players for fuel taken from their airport. The white pyramids are foodstuffs which as well as being used for specific demands can be conveyed between the larger airports but for a set amount of money. In the full game when you throw 1 or 6 you also take an incident card, which gives various advantages and control over certain airports etc. In the full game you can even take the cargo off someone else’s plane if your plane is leaving first. We both rate this game very highly it is an absorbing game with a good blend of skill and strategy and has a time span limited to the number of freight cards. WADDINGTON’S ONE TWO MANY COPYRIGHT 1970’S A young persons build and balance game WADDINGTON’S EXPLORATION ©: COPYRIGHT 1970 We only have an incomplete version of the Waddington’s Game “An exciting Adventure Game on land, sea and underwater for 2-4 players. Recapture the thrills of man’s great achievements. Prepare and mount your own expedition – Mountaineering, Diving, Sailing and Archaeology” Designed by James C. Spiring B.Sc. Apart from the fact that it can only be played by 4 players the board and box artwork is identical to the original version of the game ©: COPYRIGHT 1967 by Spiring Enterprises Limited, Dorking Surrey. The original box is shorter than the standard Waddington’s box. We have a complete copy of this game and the description is based on this. Ages 8/9-adult. The game consists of two land expeditions – Mountaineering and Archaeology; and two sea expeditions Sailing and Diving. In the first part of the game the player has to obtain personnel members and equipment belonging to one expedition. When ready the player may start the second part of the game and travel from his base to his main objective and then back to base. He also has the choice of visiting lesser objectives and he may have to overcome hazards. The choice of objectives and the route taken are determined by the skilful play and use of personnel members and equipment. The winner is the person with the most money at the end of the game rather than the first to complete an expedition. Contents in a cardboard box – One game board with a single fold, one pack of 3 personnel members and 1 shop card for each expedition (16 cards total), one pack of 4 items of equipment for each expedition (16 cards total), one pack of 14 Exploration Club Cards, one pack of money in three denominations (50, 100 and 500), 1 dice, 1 special Diradice and 5 plastic playing pieces (the type is particular to this game and have a thicker base tapering to a rounded cone. The Waddington’s version also has this type of piece) and two set of instructions. Players receive personnel cards – 4 for 2 or 3 players, 3 for 4 players and 2 for 5 players. Each player receives £1,500 and players then use the outer edge of the board to make preparations. Players use an ordinary dice and move the exact number unless if a 6 is thrown the player can choose any number. When a player lands on one of the expedition squares he may buy one item of equipment but must show a personnel member card for that expedition. Payment is made to the player who has the shop card for that expedition or into the prize fund. Only two items of equipment can be bought for each personnel member card. Equipment can be bought for more than one expedition if he holds the appropriate cards. Equipment of two expeditions cannot be used during the second part of the game. The only point of buying such equipment is either for resale or if the player is not sure which expedition to undertake. When a player moves onto a corner take a personnel card square he may take the top card from the pack and (except for 5 player games where three cards may be held) return any card to the bottom of the pack. Any equipment obtained by using the unwanted personnel member must be offered for sale but he may charge and extra £50 per item. On his turn a player can also exchange one item of equipment with another player with an appropriate cash adjustment. Personnel cards cannot be exchanged between players. Exploration Club squares involve taking a chance card. A player can begin his expedition when he has two items of equipment and two personnel members for the same expedition (subsequent players are allowed to start with less). He must reach the preparation start square by moving along the outer track. When on base a player must offer unwanted equipment for sale at £50 more than was paid or return to equipment stack without any repayment. All unwanted personnel cards except shop cards must also be returned. The second part of the game is the Expedition. Expeditions- Each players cards are on show when he commences. Land expeditions cannot go onto the sea or lakes and sea expeditions cannot go onto land squares except to reach the objectives. Each expedition has a major objective (ie large cash payment for reaching it) and 2 or 3 lesser objectives (ie worth much less). Only one personnel member can claim the large cash payment for reaching it so in a five player game one player still has to reach a major objective but will not receive the payment so this is probably why Waddington’s decided to reduce the number of players to four in their later version. The board has land and river squares and sea and lake squares. Each square is then either plain or has an equipment symbol on it, which can only be entered if that player has the right equipment card. Additionally some squares are hazard squares enclosed by a dotted line and the three hazards can only be entered if the player holds the appropriate personnel card. Movement in the second part of the game is by a special diradice. One face is one move in a straight line, one face is one move in any direction, one face is one or two moves diagonally, one face is one or two moves horizontally and the other two faces allow one move in any direction and then one move horizontally or diagonally similar to the knights move in chess. Players then have to reach their main objective and return to base. They can also visit lesser objectives and gain additional payments. Bonuses are paid for returning home first second and third and the first person home also receives any money paid into the prize fund. The artwork etc on the game is attractive and the idea is good but we do not feel this is one of the great board games. It is a better game with four players than with two or three. The main problem is that there is insufficient opportunity for players to interrelate and compete with each other. The first stage of the game is quite good with the scramble to obtain the right personnel and equipment and who will choose which expedition and who has the shops to collect money from other players etc. The Exploration club chance cards should not be neglected as they increase the element of uncertainty in the game and they can be avoided otherwise. We would even go as far as saying each player should have to take one at the start. The decision when to start your expedition is also important. The first player to complete his expedition stands a good chance of winning as he claims at least twice the bonus of subsequent players and also claims the prize money. So you have to decide whether to wait until you have more equipment and personnel or make a start. You must though have two persons and two equipment cards. The second part of the game is what lets it down as effectively with each player making a different expedition they are playing on their own and the diradice also takes some getting used to. You can’t really impede your opponent at this stage but you do have to decide whether to just go for the main objective and get home first or try to visit lesser objectives as well and still win by having the most money. Overall there are better games that this one. WADDINGTON’S CUBE FUSION © 1970 “I have purchased "cube-fusion" by Waddington’s. It is in a grey box the same size as "monopoly & the formula 1" It consists of about 8 plastic boxes with a red & green balls inside & I think its some form of 3d noughts & crosses with a twist.. Is it rare & how long did they make it for? Cube Fusion is basically 3 dimensional noughts and cross (or Tic Tac Toe as our colonial friends refer to it). Despite aggressive marketing, the game wasn't a best seller - most people looked at the box and the price, and decided they wouldn't pay that for what appeared to be noughts and crosses! I believe it was withdrawn within 3-4 years of production. A complete set is therefore a rare and a comparatively valuable item on the games market, subject to condition; I've seen versions on sale on the Net for up to £35. thanks N. Cooper The Modular Strategy Game consisting of 12 pairs of cubes fused together with a coloured ball in each - green and red in colour. When a move is made it is also a move for the opponent. Leaflet with 6 different games included. Copy of the rules of the six variations of the game available in word format. please. WADDINGTON'S MINDBENDER PERFECT SQUARE (C) 1970 A game where you convert 12 shapes into a square. A contact would like the solution as offered on the rules. Can you assist please? WADDINGTON'S MINDBENDER COLOURED SQUARE (C) 1971 WADDINGTON’S 4000 A.D. AN INTERSTELLAR CONFLICT GAME ©: COPYRIGHT 1971 board, 1972 rules and box. “4000 A.D. is a unique game of strategy set two thousand years in the future, when men have spread to the planets of other stars hundreds of light –years from the earth. An interstellar conflict between worlds is its subject. The concept of star travel by hyper-space is the basis of its unique playing character. 4000 A.D. is pure strategy of movement, with no chance element.” Two to four players may play independently, four players can play are two sets of allies. Contents: Thick card Playing board in two pieces each with a folding hinge, star ships in four colours with 44 tiny plastic pieces representing 1 ship and 8 larger plastic pieces representing 5 ships. In our set the larger pieces have a circular disc base with a small stick joined to a cylinder with a rounded end looking like an ice-lolly or a rounded fir tree. Our smaller pieces are tiny circular discs with a stalk joined to a small sphere.8 Hyper-Space Warps each with one red and one yellow marker. Two sets of rules, one in French and one in English and a strategy book in English and French. Four clear Perspex snap shut boxes, each large enough to hold all the pieces of one colour. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50. The board consists of the "Star Field" i.e. an area of space, which contains various stars and surrounding this area are the Hyper-Space Paths. Each star on the Star Field has a name and a letter showing the sector that the star is located in. The star field is divided into 12 areas 4 long and three wide but there is also another comparable 4 long by three wide area underneath that. This means that there are 24 cubic areas of space on the board in total. The stars are either brighter yellow and located in the upper areas of cubic space or red lower stars located in the lower areas of cubic space. The cubic space areas are called A yellow to L Yellow in the upper area and A red to L red in the lower area. This means that cubic area A yellow is directly above area A red etc. The stars as well as being yellow in the upper sector and red in the lower are also of four types. Stars with a circle have a human population and stars with a cross have raw materials. Stars with both symbols have both population and materials and stars with neither symbol have strategic value only. Stars with material gain production each second turn which are used to produce new star ships. Each player starts with 15 single ships, which are place around one of the stars that are designated as home stars. For two players you have 30 ships and two stars. Each player has two Hyper-Space warps which are used to make journeys on the Hyper-Space paths. In a players turn he can move as many ships as he wishes to another star using one warp only. He places the ships on a warp using a peg to indicate the sector the journey started from These paths/warps only indicate where the journey commenced from and the number of turns the ships have been travelling in space. In the same turn a ship can move from one star to another in the same sector of cubic space or remain on the path for a further turn. In subsequent turns any warps on the path can remain in space and be moved a further space forward or land on a star the appropriate distance from its origin. One departure can also be made provided one of the two players warps is available and provided they are not engaged in battle any or all of the ships that have arrived on a star can also depart that turn together with any ships that were already on that star prior to that turn. When a warp arrives at a planet that is occupied by an enemy a battle takes place. The larger fleet always wins and the losing players ships are lost. It is also possible to plan journeys so that two warps arrive in the same turn having made journeys of different lengths. If the forces and equal the attacking player is not allowed to land but may land at another star in the same sector of cubic space. Stars are occupied by any player who lands a ship there and continues to occupy it with one ship. Each second turn is a production turn and each player takes his production at the beginning of his own turn before making his moves. Players receive one new ship on their home star for each pair he can make of a circle (population) and a + (materials) on the stars he occupies, including his home star. If the home star is lost but the player is not eliminated he cannot produce new ships. You win the game when the player or alliance captures both home stars of the enemy, the game is over once the second home star has been captured. We have played this game on a number of occasions and thoroughly recommend it. Somehow though Sonia usually wins. This game is suitable for older children and adults only. There is no luck element in the game and as battles are total elimination. The strategy guide gives plenty of information about how to play successfully. The most successful attacks are where you can use multiple fleets from different stars, but as you can make only one departure each turn they have to be different distances from the destination. If faced with a large attack it is often a good idea to just leave one star ship at the star. The attacking player then has to decide to tie up his forces on attacking a star with only one ship at it and it he decides not to then you can still draw resources form that star. You have to balance colonisation of stars to gain resources with attacking other stars to eliminate forces. You will have to play the Game and develop your own stratifies though often the unpredictable move is the successful one. Jesse Jackson also tells of a 1974 version of the game made in the U.S.A., he is looking for a copy and a set of the larger ships used in the game. “The 1974 version has only English rules and title but the inner box has dark brown, plastic, shaped recesses for the boxes and, I believe, the warp sleds. 1974 was the date of the newer version I had as a teenager and the one with the "altered ships." The "ships" were four-sided, tapering to a point on one end and with a square section in the rear separated from the ship body by a slight notch all around so as to seem as fins. Like the other pieces, these came in two sizes and were the same colour for each player. They were easier to manipulate as the smaller pieces, the single ships, were the same length as the larger pieces and therefore easier to see and move. An image of these ships can be seen at http://www.gamepile.com/game18.html This may help solve the mystery: An American catalogue department store carried the game briefly and it was there my parents found the variant version and bought it for me in 1974. I believe it was Montgomery Ward though it could have been Sears or J.C. Penny's. I have yet to see the "American" marketed version once on e-Bay and haven't sought out the department stores or old catalogues. In the end, I am happy with my games and may stop searching for the bomb variant. My second copy of the bi-lingual game is dated 1977. It has a burgundy backed board with black plastic wells to seat the round clear plastic boxes for ships and pegs but the sleds are loose in larger, rectangular wells. The ships are identical to the 1972 version. The box is more reddish-purple than the 1972 version and is the same colour I remember my 1974 version having. In case people didn't understand what sort of game they were buying before, one that requires brains, projection and spatial (3-D) thinking, the newer version is described on the box as "An interstellar conflict game based on the concept of star travel by hyperspace for 2-4 players." [For those who like Star Trek but not necessarily Einstein's theories, oh heck, it's a game, have some fun!] From someone who loves this game and has never lost, here's an anecdote: We used an Eisenhower silver dollar to keep track of production turns. There are many cool coins out there but that one is so large it was a natural. One lives in my game as its sole purpose for existence.” SUBBEUTEO Subbeuteo seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth, could you please review the game in your section on Waddington’s games and try and find links to sites that sell the game and its accessories, my stuff is getting rather tatty. Andrew played this football game in his youth but knows little about the details or history. Tim Synge replies "Subbuteo went through its heyday in the 1970s and 1980s under Waddington’s, with approx 800 different football team strips being produced and a range of box sets from club right up to world cup, often with half a dozen different sets in the range. Over the years, Waddington’s also produced rugby and cricket sets which were sold in reasonable numbers and some other more esoteric games including snooker and angling. Subbuteo was sold out to Hasbro in the mid-nineties and, as so often, the range was cut drastically with only a few world cup sides and English premiership teams being available. The huge range of accessories was also cut right back. I believe that Hasbro now have an exclusive deal with Toys'R'Us in the UK, so that is where the limited range is now sold. A rumour was spread around a couple of years ago that Subbuteo production would cease. This may have been a marketing ploy akin to the recent Beanie Babies stories, but the game gained a reprieve and there is a small range of new sets and teams in the shops this year. The huge numbers of sets and teams sold in the seventies and eighties mean that there is a lot of second-hand Subbuteo equipment around, although the nature of the game means that players are easily broken. Subbuteo appears regularly on ebay, with prices fluctuating quite substantially - there are also a number of internet dealers such as www.subbuteoworld.co.uk - one of the more polished sites. It is also apparently frequently found at car boot sales. The older boxed sets, such as the 1974 World Cup set, can fetch £50 to £100 and mint condition 1970s teams ("heavyweights" - there have been a number of different figure styles) may fetch £5 to £30 depending on the rarity of the team. (Brazil, for example, is much commoner than, say, Partick Thistle.) For many people, the most desirable item is a huge "Munich" box set, sold briefly in the early seventies and prices of several hundred pounds are bandied about on chat sites, although there is little evidence of actual transactions taking place to support this! Some collectors go for the pre-1970s celluloid figures rather than the various plastic ranges - again condition and completeness vary considerably. The Subbuteo world site has some useful information and history. " TOP TRUMPS Top Trumps were set of picture card whist type games printed by Waddington’s game during the 1970s /80s. Some more information to follow but also give www.footballtoptrumps.co.uk a try, a site run by Justin Campbell. WADDINGTON'S CAMPAIGN©: COPYRIGHT 1971 "An exciting strategy game in which each player can become a Napoleon or a Wellington leading his army across Europe. Famous battles can be refought and alliances can be made and broken with this compelling game of military and political strategy." Stock No.417 Game suitable for older children (say 10 upwards) and adults. Two to four players. Contents: Playing board made up of three sections of thick card joined together, each leaf 9.5"X19.25" (24.5X49 cm). Four sets of army pieces in red, white, blue and light green, comprising 1 General, 9 infantry and 9 cavalry units. 6 sets of 4 town cards of different colours, 4 alliance cards, 2 dice, 6 page rule book and a 4 page "The Years of Napoleon" guide. Still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50. The game does not correspond with a particular battle but is inspired by the Napoleonic wars and the game can be won either by the outright defeat of your opponent or (more likely) by acquiring towns controlling large areas of territory. The board is a representation of Europe and western Russia and is divided into six areas of roughly equal size representing France, Prussia, Russia, Austria, Italy and Spain. Each country has four provincial towns and five of the countries used as starting countries also have a capital city. Parts of the board, particularly the central area have areas of impenetrable mountains, forests and sea which restricts the movement of the troops. The game can be played in an introductory version and then with additional rules as a standard game. Depending on the number of players each player selects a county or if two players two countries but France and Prussia cannot be used at the same time. The two dice are always thrown together and are only used to move the pieces and are never used to determine the outcome of the attack. The throw can be used all on one piece or many pieces. The full throw does not have to be used. The pieces are placed in a set format on the country selected with the General on the capital square and four infantry and four cavalry. Each player has the five town cards of his own country. The pieces move in set ways. The General moves one square in any direction. When it attacks it has a value of one and when defending a value of two. The General is the only piece that can capture a town by simply moving onto it. Cavalry has to move two squares at a time and must move horizontally or vertically never diagonally. Infantry move one square and only diagonally. Pieces cannot pass through opposing lines unless there is a clear gap of at least one square. Infantry and Generals can pass between adjacent units of their own side. A piece is attacked and taken and removed from the board when superior pieces (two for Infantry and Cavalry and three for a General) are positioned on adjacent squares (not moved to the opponents position). Also pieces can only attack along a line in which they are allowed to move. Only one piece can be attacked in a turn and the player has to say which piece he is attacking before the move is made. You have to think carefully about which pieces you are using with each other. You will find that it is important to bear in mind that infantry pieces start on adjacent squares and can never move to a adjacent horizontal square and can only move diagonally. The same applies to cavalry it cannot move to an adjacent horizontal square. Therefore to be able to attack an opponent you either need two cavalry pieces that can move to the same square, two infantry pieces that can move to the same square or an infantry piece and a cavalry that can move to adjacent squares. The General can move to any square and can therefore be used to attack with any other piece. If you have just infantry and cavalry you can find out frustratingly that you have two pieces that cannot be used together. It is also good strategy to try to capture pieces that can attack together. If a General is captured he has to move back to his starting position and has to miss a turn but he may not be attacked again until after this second turn. Consequently you try to avoid having your General captured at all costs. When a General captures a town the corresponding town card is claimed from the other player. A capital can only be captured after the provincial towns have been captured. Where more than two players are playing you can agree to ally with another player and exchange alliance cards. An ally cannot cross into his ally's territory without his consent. Alliances can though be broken simply by breaking the alliance during one turn and then attacking the next turn giving the former ally one turn to re-deploy. The game is won if the player captures all his opponents capitals or captures 8 towns of any colour but not including the 4 in his own country. You also win if your opponents General is left with no troops. The rules for the standard game have additional rules as follows: Towns are red towns or yellow towns, when a player captures a red town at the end of the turn he claims the town card and the piece shown on the town and places this piece adjacent to the town. The player who lost the town also has to remove the piece of the same type that is closest to that town. In the standard game a piece being attacked is supported by any other pieces adjacent to it. Therefore a closely grouped force can be very difficult to attack as you need to attack a piece with two other pieces and have one piece able to attack and neutralise any adjacent pieces. The standard game also makes it even move important not to let your General be captured as it has to return to an enlistment area with all his troops. He can though recruit some additional troops depending on the number of red town cards he holds to compensate for the fact that all his red towns will be venerable. The player then has to mobilise his troops by using the next few turns to move on to the capital city area. Campaign is basically a pure strategy game. It you are in a position to attack a piece you will take it. However, there is some luck depending on how high a movement throw you have. Sonia and I have enjoyed many games of Campaign but have not played it with more that two players. It does though work well with two. It can though be frustrating if your attack force becomes incompatible but you really need to use the General in attacks for the maximum effect. However, it is quite a disaster if you let your General be captured. The game can take a couple of hours to play and is usually resolved by a player obtaining the required number of towns. Sometimes the game can also be frustrating as it is difficult to retain towns and you can have the situation of a General taking a chance and moving quickly from red town to red town with another piece retaking towns. The box, cards and board are very colourful the pieces fairly abstract. A revised artwork edition was introduced in 1974.	Buccaneer
How many wooden blocks are in a traditional game of ‘Jenga’?	WG.HTM - BOARD GAMES AND JIGSAW PUZZLE WORLD.HTML WG.HTM BOARD GAME AND JIGSAW PUZZLE WORLD WADDINGTON'S BOARD GAME ARCHIVE -WADDINGTONS Descriptions and reviews of Waddington's Board games, list of equipment found in Waddington's Board Games and board game query and help sections. This also includes Waddington’s House of Games and John Waddington. Hit Counter Not a very high number but sadly we had to replace our old counter when it has reached 163,000. WADDINGTON'S Advertising material inserted into game boxes c1960 If you wish to contact us use the links below Site last updated 13th January, 2017 Teachers Pet added. November/ December, 2015 link list to games all checked and working, also new images added October 2015 Request for solution to Perfect Square, Card game Bobs Yr Uncle , more images added. More details on Frankenstein's Fingers. March/April, 2015 Comments from the inventor of Golfwinks, Whoops Whoops2, later game added. 27th November, 2014 Cat and Mouse, added. 18th August, 2014 Monopoly money denominations examined. 2nd October, 2013, Lassoo, and Frankenstein's Fingers added. Since April, 1999, we detailed and added another WADDINGTON'S game to this archive each month. This process was competed in December 2001 and since then we have continued to improve the site. Early in 2005 we decided to alter the format of the site so that the games listed are in date of production order. You can use the links to find out what is available for a particular game but if you are generally looking at the site it seems more logical to place the games in the order that they were produced. You then get a better feel as to how games have developed over the years. The descriptions of each game will enable you to check if you have the correct contents for each game or enable you to search for new games and be able to check the contents prior to purchase. Waddington's games are no longer in production the company was bought out by toy Giant Hasbro about 1997. Some of Waddington's Games continued to be produced by Gibsons Games. Waddington’s also had a French partner called Miro Company who published most of Waddington's games in France. In 1961 Waddington’s took a 20% share in Miro's capital (together with another of Waddington's partners, Parker). They withdrew in 1969.We cannot advise you where to purchase particular games (but see links at end), most of those listed below have been out of production for many years. On line auctions do have games for sale or will accept games for sale, other than that we can only suggest charity shops or car boot sales. We will though add a request to our query corner if it will help. We can assist you with the rules for most of the games mentioned. We have also received a number of queries/requests for help with games/parts for games and rules, PLEASE have a look at QUERY/HELP CORNER . MANY CONTACTS WOULD LIKE COPIES OF RULES FOR GAMES WE DO NOT POSSESS. If you have rules for a particular game please check the link for the individual game. Conserving your game? Need spare parts? Perhaps our TIPS might help WADDINGTON'S games so far described or referred to are Ulcers, Vampire Game, Village of Fear, Darkworld, Whoops, Whoops2, Whot , Wizard, Word of Mouth, The Yuppie Game , and Z Cars So what is next? Well as you will see there are still games with little or no description/contents. We will also try to add photographs of each game over time. We do though now have a copy of the Canadian version of Kimbo so we will see if there are any differences. We also want to do more on Escape From Atlantis, some more info on Top Trumps and possibly Land of the Dinosaurs, so keep on coming back to us! The number of queries we are receiving for various games is also increasing and we will continue to post details as received. Often what we do to the site is prompted by your queries suggestions etc. WADDINGTON’S GAME ARCHIVE IN APPROXIMATE DATE OF PRODUCTION ORDER PLAYING CARDS Playing cards are almost certainly the first games product Waddington’s produced. A contact has sets of Waddington's Playing Cards with backs showing Black Grouse and also Snipe. She asks when they were produced and are there any other packs with different birds? Also "I have a pack of possibly 1930's Waddington's Patience miniature playing cards. They are unused and the pack of cards inside the box are still in their plastic wrapper. Their original price is marked on the box at 3 shillings and 4 pence. Can you give us any indication of their value or a link to a website that will tell us this information? " Card sets being advertised in 1978 were XVII Century French, French Revolution and Napoleonic reproduction, a Shakespearian pack originally designed in 1930’s, English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh Emblem packs, twin pack of Victorian photographer Frank Sutcliffe. For more information on Playing Cards try http://www.wopc.co.uk/waddingtons/index.html WADDINGTON'S LEXICON © ? "The Wonder Game". "The new card game of skill, laughter and interest" The game was launched in 1933, packaged in a tuck box, at 1/9d per pack. Initial sales were nil, and so the game was repackaged at 2/6d and sales boomed, up to 1000 packs per week. Our set is in an orange box with maroon lettering REGD. NO. 52991 and is 1950’s/1960’s. The box contains a pack of 51 cards of different alphabet letters with a score no and a Lexicon Master card, a red covered rule book and a thicker light blue covered book of "New Games to be played with Lexicon Cards". Any number of players can play but two packs are needed for five players or more. The dealer is selected by dealing one card to each player with the player holding the highest numbered card being the first dealer and then the deal rotates. Ten cards are dealt to each player and the remained placed face down with the top card exposed and placed alongside. The player on the left of the dealer commences he can a) form one complete word and place it face up on the table, b) discard one card and take either the exposed card or a blind card, the disposed card is place on top of the exposed pile c) insert a card or cards to any one word previously laid down, d) exchange a card or cards with letters from his own hand with any word on the table provided the word left is complete. The aim is to get rid of your cards as quickly as possible and the first player to do so ends the round. The remaining players count up the number scores of the cards they still hold. Players reaching 100 are eliminated until one player wins. The master represents any letter but scores 15 against you if you are left holding it. Very like the cards game "rummy" played with word cards instead of standard playing cards. Not our favourite game by any means but give it a go if you like word games, would rate Scrabble more highly. Another contact describes the game as "ATOZED, WADDINGTONS. It is red and gold and is about 1930s." Another contact asks “I have some lexicon cards which come in a small blue case shaped as a book the reg number is 52991. The rule book is red and the cards are dark blue. I wondered if you could date them for me please.” Can anyone assist. Also another contact with the reg number 529991 can anyone date that set please. WADDINGTON'S PIT © 1904 Patented in Great Britain and U.S. Patent, March 22. 1904 For two to seven players, from 5 years to 100, card game with seven sets of nine cards plus one bull and one bear card. Some sets may only have six sets of cards So much fun from just a pack of cards! A great game to be played with three to seven people, the larger the group the better. In some ways an adult game, best enjoyed when you have all had a glass of alcohol. The original set was manufactured by PARKER BROTHERS, Incorporated SALEM, MASS., U.S.A.. Andrew's Grandfather took a set with him when he fought in the First World War. Waddington’s produced later editions. The fronts of the cards are almost identical in both sets but at least three different back designs are known. The game is based on the American Corn Exchange. Each set consists of nine cards of wheat, corn, barley etc, which vary from wheat at 100 points downwards. The idea is that you trade cards to obtain a set on nine of a particular commodity known as a corner and score the point value of that set. The cards are dealt and then trading begins players can trade groups of cards of two, three or four etc. of the same. You shout this out and someone else will swap with you. The frenzy continues until one person has a corner of nine cards. Quick wits are required and often changing your mind about which set to collect can be the key to success. There is also an optional Bull card which counts as a bonus if you hold it with a corner or a penalty if you are holding it without a corner. The Bear card is always a penalty to who ever is left with it and is traded with a group of matching commodity cards as soon as possible. Pit is very easy to play but never loses it's appeal, A more modern set is "Pit" - Complete with all cards and the rules. The back of the cards are orange with pictures of 'wheat?' on them. The fronts are light blue/green with black and white traders. 1964 cat no.31101 " from Darren Mclean WADDINGTON'S MONOPOLY © 1935 by Parker Bros Inc. For two to six players, from 7 to 8 years upwards. We have played this game on many occasions since childhood. If you have never played it, it consists of landing on property which you buy and then when others land on it charge rent to that person depending on how much money you have improved the site with houses and later hotels. There are chance cards, railway stations and utilities that pay fixed rents and you can mortgage your properties to pay rent, go to jail or if really unlucky go bankrupt. Monopoly brings out the best and worst aspects of people characters. The game can last an unpredictable amount of time. Monopoly is probably the best known board game ever though each household probably plays to it's own slightly different rules! It is likely to be the most common proprietary board game to be found in the average household. It has been calculated that over 250 million people have played the game and that Waddington’s have sold 15 million sets in Britain and since 1935 Parker Brothers have sold over 90 million sets. An American, Charles Darrow, created monopoly in the early 1930’s. The original game had street names taken from Atlantic City where Charles spent his summer holidays. His game pleased his friends and he was being asked to make one or two sets a day or six sets at $2.50 each per day once the boards had been contracted out to a local printer. Parker Brothers were initially luke warm towards the game worried by the unpredictable length of time each game can take and felt that the mortgages and rent rules too complicated. However, by Christmas 1934 Charles had produced 20,000 sets that year and Parker Brothers began paying Darrow royalties for the game and were soon producing 20,000 sets a week. One description of the game we had from the U.S.A. mentions "Board Walk and Park Place in a blue colour. Set includes all game pieces, Community Chest and Chance cards, money (printed one side), houses and hotels, and dice. The label on the board reads "NUMBER 8" [no idea what this means] and has Parker Brothers, Inc. signature printed on it. Two patent numbers are shown, along with the copyright date of 1935 [not necessarily date of production]. There wasn't a box with the game when I purchased it at a sale." Waddington’s had only produced playing cards and Lexicon prior to 1935 but had sent one to Parkers. John Waddington Ltd. were licensed to manufacture the game. The rules were not altered but the street names and currency were anglicised and stations replaced railroads. The first edition with a board separate from the box, metal hat, thimble, ship, car, iron and boot tokens and cost 7/6d (37.5p). A contact Valerie Lilley reports that her “First Edition” set has a board with more than one fold, which fits, into the box. The wartime edition had card tokens with a wooden base with a rocking horse replacing the thimble. The £100 note is black and made of really rough cheap paper, the property cards are perforated and has a spinner instead of dice. (E. Burrell). Our set has card tokens including the rocking horse with the wooden base. The money though is all coloured. Not exactly sure how much money of each denomination a set should contain. The rules state you receive 1x£500, 6x£100, 4x£50, 3x£20, 10x£10, 7x£5 and 5x£1, total £1,500. Our set contains 10x£500, 40x£100, 26x£50, 20x£20, 63x£10, 48x£5 and 35x£1. This totals £11,335. Six players require £9,000 and the rules state if a seventh player is playing he has to wait until the first six receive their money and he has to receive what ever denominations are left which implies that the quantity of money provided is less than that required to give the seventh player the same denominations. The minimum quantity of money for a set to be workably complete would therefore be 6x£500, 36x£100, 24x£50, 18x£20, 60x£10, 42x£5 and 30x£1 plus £1,500 of any denomination for the seventh player total £10,500. Our set has £2,335 left after the six players have received their money - 4x£500, 4X£100, 2x£50, 2x£20, 3x£10, 6x£5 and 5x£1 so well enough for the seventh player to have £1,500. Our set may though not have the original amount of money supplied or maybe it varied anyway so long as it was above the workable minimum possibly our set may have had 4x£50, 2x£10, 2x£5 missing giving a total of £11,565. I would be interested to hear what your set contains. Later I think the quantity of money supplied was altered and the 1985 Anniversary set has a different make up of denominations. We have seen a 1936 Deluxe set. This was a quality set, and weighs 2.2kg. It has a gold box. The Board and money have the PAT.APP.FOR.No.3796-36 number, which probably dates the set to 1936. The station cards are LNER. Cards are the 16 Community chest, and 16 Chance cards. The 2 dice and 6 metal playing pieces are Car, Ship, Hat, Shoe, Iron,and Thimble. There are 32 Houses and 12 Hotels. They are made of a solid Plastic type material and the hotels are marked GRAND HOTEL. The set comes with 2 sets of instructions A Gold wartime edition was also produced with perforated cards costing 21/- (£1.05). Later a deluxe set was produced costing 42/- (£2.10) with superior tokens, flock lined trays and gold edged game cards and the board in an integrated box. Later ordinary editions also appeared in an integrated box at 7/6d, 10/6 and 21/-. Little changed until 1972 when the money was printed on both sides, the tokens were enlarged by 50%, title deeds cards and dice enlarged and the Community Chest and Chance cards given rounded corners. Andrea Green has a set "The set consists of 2 x boards which are not in the box, they have bright yellow backgrounds but the rest is as normal. The pieces are made of metal but are thin coloured pieces including: a grey motorcycle with rider, a red car (which looks like a rolls Royce), a dark green tank, a yellow bull dozer type thing, a gold sailing ship and a blue train. The houses and hotels are made of wood and are green and red. It is all in a small box approximately 10 inches by 6 inches. It is made by John Waddington Ltd (London & Leeds). The whole set is in immaculate condition still containing the checkers ticket. I would be very grateful if you could give me some information on the set, how old it is and it's present day value." See below. Sounds like this set?” I remember being very surprised when I played monopoly at a friend's house and the background to the board was green - ours was yellow! Since I have often told others about the different playing pieces we had but no-one I have ever spoken to has ever seen them. My brother owned the set and it was given to him in the 1950s but he doesn't remember if it was new then or one that was passed on. The motorcyclist looked 1940s and the blue train was a Mallard. The money was, we think, printed on one side only. Our guess would be that the set was 40s or 50s. Hope this helps." Mandi Garrie. Steve Pollard writes “I have a old Monopoly 1950-60's Waddington’s green box.. The hotels and houses are made of onyx type with small windows in the hotels with the word HOTEL written above windows.. I think this was a Deluxe set ???? The box is very heavy and has the Waddington’s Monopoly title in small letters in the top left hand corner.. Can you shed any light..?? Similarly Alex Rarity comments “The box is like a pinkish snakeskin pattern and the back of the board is the same. The players pieces are unusual as well they are a globe, a horses head, a typewriter, a basket of flowers with gems encrusted in it, a boot also encrusted with gems and a telephone with gems.” Any idea when this set was produced. This sounds like the 30th Anniversary Edition with a spangled foil box and jewel encrusted tokens – thanks Fitch Karin Mcguire comments that in the 1960s, her family had a version with conventional London streets and colours but the counters were very different from those used today. The counter were; blue (Mallard) locomotive, red car, yellow tractor, grey motorcycle, bronze sailing ship and green tank all in painted metal. The hotels and houses were coloured red and green made from wood. Does anyone know anything about this edition or have a copy? These were trademark sets produced between 1950 and 1959 – thanks Fitch Image of a luxury version from publicity material from the mid 1970's supplied by Colin White A luxury 50th Anniversary set was also produced in 1985. The rules state you receive 2x£500, 4x£100, 1x£50, 1x£20, 2x£10, 1x£5 and 5x£1. The set contain 15x£500, 40X£100, 15x£50, 15x£20, 20x£10, 15x£5 and 30x£1. Many sets with varying street names from all over the world exist as do junior and travel versions. Another contact also give details of a game which He "believes is a unique one off, it is one of the local additions Newcastle & Gateshead which was produced c1995. His particular set has a spelling mistake on it the board itself and the other 49 produced for Newcastle Council were returned and destroyed," Another contact comments” I smiled when I read about your correspondent who thought he had a "unique" set of Newcastle and Gateshead Monopoly. I would be amazed if the 50 sets that he says went to the Council were the only 50 sets printed. Surely Hasbro do longer print runs that that?! Second reason for smiling is that there is also a Glasgow set with a street name spelt wrong. These appear with tedious regularity on Ebay, marked as "RARE". Personally I cannot see that a spelling mistake on what is already a game with pretty limited appeal is really that interesting, but that is of course just my humble opinion :) By the way, there was a fascinating Monopoly site at For those who are really interested in the various official and unofficial editions.” but sadly I think the owner has passed way as the site it not searchable. BOBS YR UNCLE © 1935 This game was specially designed by Frank H. Simpson for John Waddington Ltd. in 1935. There are 54 cards in the pack: 48 Nursery Rhymes (8 sets, 6 cards to a set, each with a line of the rhyme), the Rhymes are: Humpty Dumpty, Little Miss Muffet, Jack & Jill, Little Bo-Peep, Old King Cole, Little Jack Horner, Hey-Diddle-Diddle, Old Mother Hubbard. 3 Uncle cards: Uncle Bob, Uncle Joe & Uncle George and 3 “Nigger Boy" cards. Rules: BOBS Y'R UNCLE, A NEW CARD GAME The laws of Bobs y'r Uncle are divided into six sections:- 1. Description of the pack. 2. The Deal 3. The Object of the Game. 4. The Play-with stack. 6. The Scoring. DESCRIPTION OF THE PACK There are 54 cards in the pack, of which 48 are Nursery Rhymes, 3 Uncle cards and 3 Nigger Boy cards. THE DEAL Deal the cards singly in a clockwise manner until each player has 6 cards. Place the remainder of the pack face downwards in the centre of the table, to form the stack. Each player examines the cards which have been dealt to him. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME The object of the game is to `declare'. A player may declare (a) when he has played every card out of his hand; or (b) collected all three Uncle cards in his hand; or (c) collected all 3 Nigger Boy cards in his hand. THE PLAY-WITH STACK The player on the dealer's left must play out of his hand a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme. This card is placed face up on the table in good view of all the players. If the player has not a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme he cannot play and must take a card from the top of the stack. This concludes the player's turn. The second player may either play a card representing the first line of a nursery rhyme or continue with the next line of the rhyme played by the first player. If he is unable to do either of these actions, he must take the top card from the stack. A player must play a card to the table if he has a card that will go. So the play proceeds, each player playing in turn, building up any of the nursery rhymes or taking a card from the stack if he cannot play in proper sequence. If a player declares before the stack in the centre is used the deal is ended; if not, play continues with the players drawing from the stack until it has been used up. Then the play continues with the following alterations. THE PLAY-When all cards on stack have been taken. When a player has played a card to the table or is unable to play a card to the table, he must display the backs of the cards in his hand to the player on his left and say, Bobs Y'r Uncle. The addressed player must take one of the cards offered. If the addressed player has already taken his turn because the proceding player forgot to offer his cards and did not say Bobs Y'r Uncled, the addressed player must refuse to take one of the cards offered. Example The play has proceeded until the stack in the centre has been used and it is not Molly's turn to play. Her hand consists of two cards - All the King's Horses, Eating his Christmas Pie. Molly plays the card All the King's Horses to the table and immediately turns to Bill on her left and says Bobs y'r Uncle offering the card left in her hand. Bill has to take the card and Molly says, I Declare. If Molly had forgotten to say Bobs Y'r Uncle before Bill had played his card, Bill must refuse to accept the card offered. SCORING A game consists of four deals. A deal is concluded when any one of the players says I Declare, as explained. At the conclusion of each deal the numerical value of the cards left in each player's hand is totalled up and placed on a score sheet against the name of each particular player. The score of the player who declared is Nil irrespective of the number of cards he may hold. THE WINNER OF THE GAME IS THE PLAYER WITH THE LOWEST TOTAL SCORE AT THE END OF THE FOUR DEALS. Bye-Rules 1. A player playing a wrong card must take the card back into his hand and forfeit his turn. 2. Only one card may be played in one turn. 3 A player with all three Uncle cards or all three Nigger Boy cards may say I declare immediately after his turn. If, however, the player on his left has played before he discovers the three cards in his hand he must wait until his turn to play before saying I Declare. 4. A player must play a card if he has a card that will go. If it is proved that a player passed when he had a card in his hand that could have been played, that player is fined 20 points. The game was reissued in 1963 with a different box design. WADDINGTON’S CARLETTE “Monte Carlo in the home”. A casino type gambling game. Produced from the 1930’s. Contents include a board, playing cards, croupier’s rake and dice with cup. Thanks Gordon Peel. WADDINGTON'S STARLUK Produced in or around 1938. Andrew Hartland says he has never come across it or been able to find anything else out about it. It is a game with cards relating to the Signs of the Zodiac. Can you assist? A copy of the rules received thanks James Lloyd-Williams. A contact comments “invented before the war by my Grandfather, Ernest H Taylor who sold the rights to Waddingtons. “ Tanis Whitfield, grand-daughter of Ernest H Taylor. GHQ GHQ is a game based on the First World War and the board represents the battlefield of Europe. Probably produced in 1920's a contact would like any further details? Another contact states” I have a first world war game by Waddington’s called GHQ. I can't find any references to it anywhere and wonder if you have heard of it or know where I might get it valued.” Another contact comments “ My copy is certainly from the Second World war as all the German pieces have swastikas on them. It seems to me that this edition must date from before the fall of France so places it in early 1940. Do you think that this is an updated version of an earlier game, or is the information that it was a First World War game incorrect?” As you can see the set we have seen is based on the Second World War. Another contact has a Second World War Version and would like a copy of the rules if you can assist. WADDINGTON'S TOTOPOLY For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by dice and by a combination of dice and cards in the race part of the game. One of Waddington's earliest games, with a name designed to cash in on the popularity of Monopoly. Bob Elton has a set dated 1939. "These Earlier sets can be found where the board does come separately, all the other bits in a smaller box. One feature is that the horses stand up in cardboard slots, and can be seen in a line through a cut-out in the box lid (when shut)". {From Ralph Allin}. "An earlier copy of the game (pre 1961) exists with the board and small separate box that you described. However, the individual horses are wooden not metal or plastic (to be more precise they are card in a wooden base) but still arranged in the box in a line standing up." {From Dave Paylor}Jason May tells us he has a 1939 Deluxe Edition of the game (see image) and that it cost 21/- rather than the 7/- standard edition. He wonders if anyone else has a similar copy and what percentage of the games produced were Deluxe. In the 1960’s together with "Risk" Totopoly was the top price game of the range at 27/6. Game was still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50 and according to Games and Puzzles was given a fresh look at that time. Our 1961 set is contained all in one box with the board in thinish card made up of three double-side leaves. Quite a lot of equipment was provided for the money. There are 12 cast metal horses (later sets have plastic ones), a pack of businesses/horses cards, two packs of horse training cards, veterinary report (chance) cards, a large wad of money, betting card slips and a betting totalisor pad, owners club cards and five different race advantage cards. Two people can play quite happily but can't really bet on the horses so the game works best with three or more players. The idea of the game is that one of the two boards is the training ring. The cards for the horses and the businesses that help to train them are dealt. This is a crucial part of the game as you have to decide which cards to keep and which to offer for auction. No player can own both the training stables, run more than three horses in the race and it has to be borne in mind that the black have the best, and the red, yellow and blue horses have a better chance of winning in that order. Two dice are used and during a circuit horses aim to gain colour cards that can be used to advantage in the race and avoid white disadvantage cards. Other cards can be kept that enable you to avoid perils that can befall you during training and in the race. Money plays no part in the training provided you have some income from a business sufficient to pay your bills and pay to have the horse entered in the race. Before the race you have the chance to bet on any horse or horses you wish and you have an idea how well a horse has been trained. One fault we have always felt with the game is that money is irrelevant and the winner of the race is the winner of the game irrespective of how much money any player may have. The prize money for the race comes from the money paid for businesses and entrance fees. One half goes to the winner and one quarter to the second and third. We tend to feel a more interesting game is the player who has the most money as it improves the strategic opportunities to bet and or get a place in the race. The race track is on the other leaves of the board. The race takes a bit of getting used to, one dice is used. Each player nominates one of his horses which can utilise the best of a players throws. Players have to move their horses and then abide by what the length they have moved to specifies. If the length is a colour then the horse gains an advantage if it is the same colour or can throw in a white disadvantage card. If the colour differs a player can gain an advantage by playing the colour card of the horse. After abiding by the first length landed upon the move ENDS. Strategy is which horse to move when and gaining position. Horses can only move lanes if they are three clear lengths in front of the following horse. Certain lengths can eliminate the horse due to a broken rein etc unless you have the appropriate exemption card. An exact throw is required to finish. Totopoly is a good family entertainment game with a good combination of luck and judgement. A contact would like a copy of this game. Another contact is also looking for an old Totopoly board for 1950's? metal horses, set small Waddington's set. WADDINGTON'S SORRY ©:COPYRIGHT 1951, 1963 and 1969, For two to four players, from c6 years, movement by cards. Contents: A Board, four sets of four "Kimbo" type movement tokens and a pack of 44 cards, four of each denomination 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 and 12 and four master "Sorry" cards. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £2.99. A pre Waddington’s version This popular and much reprinted game is basically a children's game. An excellent game if played at the right age. It is basically ludo adapted into a board and card game. Each player has to try to move his tokens from his start to his home by moving them round the board. The various cards are played one at a time at each persons turn. Some cards start a man on the circuit, others allow moves of so many squares and the Sorry Card enables you to take one of your pieces from the start and replace one of your opponents pieces to the start. Like ludo there is a safety zone near the home and home must be reached by an exact move. If a token lands where another is placed it returns that token to the start. There are also slider areas on the circuit where if you land at the start of the slide you push back to the start any tokens on the slide. The game can also be played as a partnership so two older players can play with their siblings. Not a game for the adult player but a wonderful first game for a child to start on the path to gaming. Different sets of this game will exist, ours is the 1969 version with the board and pieces contained in the one box with a plastic tray and the rules printed on the packing cardboard. Andy Hartland tells us that the game predates Waddington’s and exists in a version with a separate board and pieces box dating from the 1920’s or even the 1900’s. Image from Alan and Henri. WADDINGTON'S 64 MILESTONES, THE GAME OF LIFE©: COPYRIGHT 1938 "An original Table Card Game played with an original Series of Cards, An Original Type and lay-out of Board and Original Rules and Methods." U.K. patent applied for May 16th 1938. No.15879/38. For 4 to 12 players movement by dice. Contents. The game is contained in a large 22X15 inches (540X360 CM) box. It contains a board with 2 folding leaves on thick card. Pack of 72 cards, one dice, five pairs of small coloured wooden discs which each have a corresponding plug in wooden token piece. There are also five larger discs with two plug holes in each of the colours. There is also a further small disc with a plug which represents "Aunt Lucy." Two sets of rules are provided. Players have to traverse 64 squares with represent the Milestones of Life from birth to retirement. The life is subdivided into eight stages. Players play as partners and sit at alternate seats round the board. If an odd player is playing he or she is "Aunt Lucy". All the card are dealt out -16 each to 4 players, 12 to six players, 9 to eight players, to 8 players 7 cards each to six players and 8 to the two other players, and 6 cards to 12 players. If Aunt Lucy is playing some players will have one more card than others. Partners then assist each other with advice and exchange of cards through the game but throw the dice and move separately until one partner has reached milestone 42 and the other has passed milestone 31 when then join forces on the larger disc and move forward as one. The cards represent the 64 milestones on the board (less the 6 plus and minus milestones) and 14 wishing bone cards which can be used in lieu of the 7 essential points in the journey but cannot be used for The stork (1) birth, Bank Manager (58) or home (64). Whoever holds Milestone No. 1 card The Stork throws the dice first. If a six is thrown this takes that player to the first "Essential Point" the Doctor. If that player or his partner has the Doctor (6) card he can then take a second throw. If neither has this card he is allowed to ask any one other player once for this. To assist the deduction the Essential point cards are coloured differently and players have to show the backs of their cards. If he asks the correct player he takes the card and has his second throw but if he fails the turn passes to the next player. If a player throws a lesser number an ordinary milestone is landed on. Again if he or his partner holds the card or if he can ask correctly (more difficult as there are more of this type of card) he can throw again but he cannot move beyond the next essential point. If he has or can obtain the essential point card he can then use the balance of his throw. Players cannot move from essential point squares without the appropriate card they can use a wishbone card instead (but not if they have asked for the card in that turn) but they can only be used once and then surrendered. If a players turn ends on a plus point the player moves forward and throws again or a on a minus point where you move back and the turn ends. Once on player reaches Milestone 42- Marriage provided his partner has reached milestone 31 Degree they are married and both players occupy Milestone 42 on the combined disc. Partners then move forward as one unit. On approaching Home Milestone 64 the final finishing and winning move cannot take place until a) an exact throw can be made to home, b) the partners have Essential Milestone card 58 The Banker and c) have the Essential Point card 64 "Home Sweet Home". We have not played this game ourselves so are not sure how good it is. Personally we think it may only be an average but not a great game. If you have played it please let us know what you think. The principle skill lies is players remembering which player holds the cards they need to make the next move; a bit like Cluedo. The more people that can play probably the better the game is. It is probably best suited to an even number as if not one player has to be Aunt Lucy. The game is well made and presented. We are not sure how long it remained in production is may have been a pre-war release that didn’t make it after the Second World War. The game is supposed to last about 90 minutes but the rules offer an extended version where you make two circuits. Contact comments “I have played this game many times, and can confirm with 8+ players who all had a bit to drink that it is a great game although 90 minutes playing time would be very short (more like 3-4 hours) put basically it is a social game, that shouldn't be taken seriously.” Another contact however, puts the game into it’s true context. “I used to play during the war when I was around 8 years old, and it was a real winner with my family (I still have all the cards!) The reason for its popularity at the time was the hope for better things that the war was depriving us of. The Milestones are nearly all occasions where something you long for occurs. I hope that gives another feeling about the game. All the best.” Trevor Hunt. “Invented before the war by my Grandfather, Ernest H Taylor who sold the rights to Waddingtons. I used to play the game with my family, a limited edition in a faux crocodile skin box. I believe there were 3 of this edition produced. According to my Grandfather he created the game for his two daughters Joan and Vivienne, as he was fed up with board games ending in arguments and tears.“ Tanis Whitfield, grand-daughter of Ernest H Taylor. WADDINGTON'S CLUEDO ©: COPYRIGHT 1948, 1965 AND 1972 One of Wadding ton’s most well known games and must be in the top ten of their best selling games, "Clued is "The Great Detective Game". It starts with a crime and works up to a climax. You have to find out who dun nit; where it was done; how it was done, eliminate suspects and pin-point the weapon. As in real life it takes both luck and skill to find the answer." For two to six players from 8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Playing board of "Tudor Close" a nine room manor house with connecting passageways, six tokens representing persons in the house, six metal/rope murder weapons,("the older sets have more substantial pieces, a lead pipe made of real lead, the dagger is painted black with red paint on the blade, the candle stick is chunky, the spanner is a steel colour and the rope is a white string instead of a gold colour"-Paul Johnson), pack of 21 Cards - six of the house persons, six of the weapons and nine room cards, pad of detective note cards, Envelope for murder cards and one dice. Our edition is a relative late 1975 one and the contents are all in one box which has a plastic tray. Many editions will have been produced of this game and early ones have the board separate from the contents box. The 1st edition had purely black and white print on the reverse of the cards and on the box and game board labels. The Second edition differs by the red fingerprint included under the magnifier on the playing cards, game board and box labels. It has wooden type “Kimbo” style pieces and metal weapons. The game Cluedo was invented by Anthony Ernest Pratt, a retired solicitor’s clerk from Birmingham, UK. He came up with the idea in 1944 and approached Waddington’swith view to manufacture. Patent GB586817 UK was issued 1947. Details of the patent are as follows. 586,817. Board games. PRATT, A. E. Dec. 1, 1944, No. 24000. [Class 132 (ii)] A board game comprises a board 1 divided into areas representing rooms of a house connected by small squares, each room having at least one doorway 14 arranged so that no two doorways directly face each other along any single column or row of squares, ten differently coloured movable pieces representing persons, nine tokens each representing a weapon, and a pack of cards having three suits, one suit containing nine cards which correspond with nine of the rooms, another containing ten cards corresponding with the ten persons and the third suit having nine cards corresponding with the nine weapons. Counters may also be provided. The object of the game is to identify a hidden combination of three cards, one from each suit, as a result of information accumulated during play. After some delays caused by post-war shortages, Waddington’s launched the game in 1949. Parker Brothers brought it out in the USA the same year under the name ‘Clue’. The USA edition featured a suspect name change- Mr. Green rather than Rev. Green. It was thought inconceivable that a man of the cloth could be involved in murder. As far as we are aware this game has always been made in an edition based on an English country house with it's very English house guests. To play the murder envelope is filled with one weapon card, one room card and one person card. These cards are chosen in secret as they form the solution to the crime. The weapons are distributed amongst the rooms and the player tokens are placed on their set starting positions. The remaining cards are then shuffled and dealt one each in turn to the players. Players then take turns to move, by dice in straight lines, their chosen house guest to a room of their choice. Once in a room the player can then make an accusation to the player on his left by naming the room they are located in and any other person or weapon. The player on the left must show one of the cards named to that player only. If he cannot show any of the three cards the next player on the left must then show a card if he has one or not and so on. In this way each player will be able to eliminate rooms, persons and weapons from his detective notes from the cards he was dealt and those he is shown by other players. When a player is satisfied that he has deduced who, where and how he can make his one chance at making an accusation. The player then looks at the murder cards and either shows them and wins the game or replaces them having made a false accusation and withdraws and takes no further part in the game except for answering suggestions. There is a good mixture of luck and skill in this game but we don't perhaps regard the game as an outstanding one as much as other people might. It is though a good family fun game and it is not difficult to learn how to play it. The key to the game is carefully recording the information you uncover and finding the correct room as soon as possible. To assist you there are secret passages linking corner rooms diagonal from each other. Although you cannot enter and leave a room in the same turn you can sometimes reach a certain room quicker by entering a room at the end of one turn and leaving it at the other side at the start of the next. You can only make a suggestion from the room you are actually in, any weapons or persons can be called to that room. You can of course bluff and name a card you actually hold in your hand. You may for example not want to call the piece of another player to the room that you are in, particularly if it is possible that that could be the murder room. Spare parts and a board are needed by a contact if you can help go to PARTS . Also a copy of the rules for Junior Cluedo are needed by a contact. See also Cluedo Super Sleuth, and Super Cluedo Challenge, WADDINGTON'S RICH UNCLE FROM THE UNITED STATES. This was originally produced in 1949 and then again for a few years in the 1950's. There is another photo of the game on http://freespace.virgin.net/hidden.valley/richuncle-open.jpg It is described in the sales literature as “A thrilling and entertaining family game. Rich Uncle Pennybags owns the “Daily Bugle” and most of the town. In the course of the game some cleaver player will make his ten thousand grow to fifty thousand. “ The game is better than the sales description suggests it might be. –from Andrew Hartland. WADDINGTON'S SCOOP!©: COPYRIGHT "A Game by the makers of Monopoly." U.K. patent No. 27029/53. Scoop! Trade Mark Regd No. 731718. The patent indicates this game was first invented in 1953. Our copy of the game is in a 10.5" x 8.25" box (27cmX21cm) with a yellow lid and green edges, probably the same sort of box as used for jigsaws. The game is for 4 players, played using cards and a decision making telephone. Contents. Four newspaper layouts consisting of the newspaper page (The Times, Daily Mail, News Chronicle and Daily Sketch) divided up into areas where the newspaper copy is placed. Attached to each page is a green paper area to the left where items in progress are stored and a green area to the right where the money is stored. Pack of 54 cards of 10 "photographer, 7 "general reporter", 7 "star reporter", 4 each of "space salesman", "artist", and "advertiser's approval, 5 "crime reporter" 10 "telephone" and 3 "Scoop!". one cardboard telephone mechanism, newspaper copy cards consisting of 18 Advertiser's announcements from real life advertisers, 8 general stories, 8 crime stories, 8 star stories and 8 triple star stories. Wad of about 100 "Fleet Street Cheque Bank £100 credit bank notes. A set of rules. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £3.45. At the start you are given a newspaper pro forma and 25 credit notes. The idea of the game is to be the first to fill your newspaper proforma with two general stories, two crime stories, two adverts, and one triple star story plus two single star stories or a second triple star stories. This is achieved by drawing a card each turn. The adverts need cards for artist, space salesman and advertisers approval. The stories all need a photographer card, a telephone card and the appropriate reporter card. Cards can also be put into your type matter flap which enables you to buy one or two cards for £100 each so that you can have up to seven cards in your possession. To get the story on the page you then play the cards and dial the telephone number on the card using the telephone card mechanism. This has a ratchet system, which generates a different answer to your call on each occasion. The answers are :- Triple star status given, excellent - other players pay you £200, press - at your discretion you can instruct every paper to go to press and count up, syndicated - each player gives you £500., OK - passed, not passed - scrap it, libellous - cannot use it and no good - editor wants to see you. The Scoop Cards are used to make up sets by taking cards from your own hand or the abeyance flap of yourself or another player. To obtain an advertisement you need a Space Salesman, Artist and Advertiser’s Approval cards.. The game ends when a player fills his proforma. The value of each item on the page and cash in hand is then added up and the person with the most money wins. This game has a great fun value and a pleasant game to play. In today’s terms the stories and adverts are interesting and give a great sense of nostalgia. The game is largely luck but not entirely. 5 player and 6 player versions are also known to exist, (for 6 players mail, telegraph, times, express, chronicle, sketch) these command a premium of about 50% and 100% respectively over the value of the 4 player game but it may depend on the edition. Confirmation of the nature of different editions, the game play details would be appreciated. Thanks to the Allbones we now have and a copy of the rules for the five player game and thanks to David Rayner a copy of the four player game. The only difference in the rules is that it can “be played by two-four players” and there are four newspaper blanks not five. Is the six player game rules just the same variation? – probably. WADDINGTON'S ASTRON ©:COPYRIGHT c1954/1955, Until c2000 we had not heard of this game, Adam Armstrong contacted us looking for the game or information about the game board and number of cards in the game. He had one as a teenager and enjoyed many hours of space flight long before the sophisticated computer fantasy world came into being. Peter Simmonds has since sent him a copy of the rules and also enabled Adam to obtain a copy via E-Bay. Peter has since kindly sent us some images and comments "As you can see, it isn't a 'board' game in the conventional sense, but more of a hollow box with a couple of wooden dowlings at either end, a film of plastic with a grid on which sits a top of the 'board' which is a scroll (also with a grid) which is moved on by the dowlings. The game is played with 6 metal space ships, controlled not by a dice, but by cards. Players are dealt 5 cards each. The goal is to land on numbered space stations. First person to land on one gets 5 points, second 4, third 3 and all others 2 points. You don't have to land on them all, but obviously, the more you land on, the more points at the end. After every player has taken a turn, the 'board' is moved on one position. There are many obstacles in the way to avoid, and since some cards can move the board on rather than move the ships, it is possible to send an opponent into a comet or some such other space hazard. It really is a peach of a game to play." Astron is a unique game in many ways. The board had a plastic grid, and the "Space scape" moves one square every turn. This gave a relative forward motion, which had to be taken into account by the players piloting space ships from Earth to hopefully land on Saturn after landing on the Moon and Mars on the way. Several space stations are placed strategically on the way, in addition to a fatal comet. Two to six players can take part in the mission. Manoeuvring is accomplished through manoeuvre cards giving forward, backward and sideway motion. These cards are dealt randomly five to each player. A "Cosmic upheaval" card can cause the map to move out of turn sequence, sending an opponent into a comet or the rings of Saturn. It can also cause the player using this "wild card" to land himself on a space station. I had one as a teenager and enjoyed many hours of space flight long before the sophisticated computer fantasy world came into being. from Alison Ball There are 55 in the pack that I have. They tell you how to move – there are: Sideways 1 2 3 4 or 5 (only one) spaces Forwards 1 2 3 spaces Backwards 1 2 spaces Homing device 2 cards where you can move one space diagonally in any direction. Finally the family favourite – Cosmic upheaval of either one (2 cards) or 2 (1 card) spaces. This allows you to move the board one or two spaces on which can obliterate anyone who is close to a comet or Saturn’s rings!! from Peter Simmons " originally made by Waddington’s circa 1955. This is the first time I have come across anybody else being aware of its existence, although an American was trying to sell one on embay made by Parker Brothers. In his description, he claims a magazine in the 1980's valued it at $500. Needless to say the reserve wasn't met. " He has now kindly supplied a copy of the rules via the person who made the original request for information. A contact would aso like to know how many playing cards there are in the set for this game and what they depict if you can assist. The rules for this Crossword card game have been kindly provided by T. Albertsson. WADDINGTON'S BUCCANEER ©:COPYRIGHT 1958 This game must be earlier than this as the 1958 set is all in one box. The game dates from the 1940's and was invented by Cecil Whitehouse and Mr. Bull. For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by own decision with cards. Another popular well played game from Andrew's childhood where you sail a ship seeking treasure and try to return to your home port with it before someone waylays you.. The game also stands up fairly well in adulthood if your in the mood for a fun game with people who don't play many games or are not looking for something too intellectual. The earliest edition had a separate box and a cloth playing board. Anthony Gilbert also states "When I was a child, I played with a game at my grandfather's house. The board was rolled up (maybe cloth backed) in a tube, like a real map case. The rest of the pieces were in a small, rectangular box. The ships had sails - we had lost the masts, and had to use matchsticks. The gold was metal (but not gold, unfortunately)." Dick Bell who has a copy of this version has kindly sent some images. Later the cloth board was replaced by a card one. Peter Clinch has confirmed this. "The board on that one was thick card, as is the board in the edition I have now (large box, 6 player version)". A slightly later edition appears to be with the box predominantly black in colour with pirates being depicted on the front. This box has the copyright date of 1958 and is thought to be earlier than the turquoise and red box.. from John Sweeting who would like some confirmation of the date of this version. Our edition from the 1960's has the board and pieces in the one turquoise and mainly red box with a white stripe and a single pirate surrounded in yellow. (as per picture publicity above) It cost 25/6. It has a thinnish card playing board, pack of chance 28 chance cards, pack of crew cards with crew are 10 each of black and red 1, 11 each of black and red 2 (also report of sets with 12 of each) and four each of black and red 3., 1 plastic tray representing treasure island, six plastic ships and pieces of treasure in 5 different varieties. (A contact wants spare treasure or ideas to replicate if you can help go to PARTS ), The idea of the game is to sail from your home port and collect pieces of treasure and take it back to your home port to a total value of 20 points. Ships move by crew cards with 1, 2 or 3 crew on them. Treasure is obtained by sailing to the treasure island and taking a chance card. It can also be obtained by trading crew for treasure at any port, including your opponents. If you have three pieces of treasure of the same type it can be put into a safety zone and can't be traded. The third way of obtaining treasure is to attack another ship. The crew cards are black or red and the difference is the fighting value. The ship with the higher fighting value can demand all treasure on board or 2 crew cards of the losers choice. Luck comes from the chance cards and the skill from getting a good fighting value, getting treasure you can secure at your home port and thinking about where to move. The game is perfectly OK with 2 players but is better with more. A four player edition was published in 1971. Mike Taylor also kindly send us a copy of the rules for a 1976 version of this version of the game. It differs from the original in a number of respects. 1. The board is made up from four sections which interlock around treasure island. 2. The game is for four players with the ports of Bombay and Bristol removed and the one of the two trading ports relocated from adjacent to Flat Island to adjacent to Pirate Island. 3. The ships are more sophisticated having separate mast and sails but there is one less of each type of treasure. 4. Instead of safety zones adjacent to the home ports plastic treasure chests are provided which have card covers and sit outside the board edge. 5. The rules are very similar except that each player only receives five crew cards at the start rather than six and you can no longer attack a ship on the coast of treasure island. Also Clive Wills states "there seem to be two different types of cards in the 1975 game. One of the sets that I have (the spare ones) are a "matt" older fashioned finish, and the other set is glossier and more modern. Also, the pearls changed slightly between the two sets. " Image of 4 player game from mid 1970's publicity literature from Colin White. With up to four players we think the playability of the game will be similar to the original. It is fairer having a trading port on each side of the board. The best possible games though are those, which involve five or six players. A 1983 version for 2-4 players also exists. It has 6 ports, London, Venice, Genoa, Amsterdam, Marseilles, and Cadiz. It seems to be the same as the 1976 version with 5 different sorts of treasure each with 5 pieces. There are 16 “1” buccaneer cards, 8 red and 8 black, 14 “2” buccaneer cards, 7 red and 7 black and 6 “3” buccaneer cards 3 red and 3 black. We have 28 chance cards with 4 plastic treasure chests with covers. Information and images, thanks Andy Murdoch. Australian version of "BUCCANEER" from Wendy and Harry Taylor On The Cover: Copyright 1970 John Waddington Ltd Leeds England. Another Murfett Game "An Exciting Game of Piracy on The High Seas For 2 - 4 Players 8 Years And Upward". It has A Pirate on the left hand side and two pictures and a map in the background Inside The Lid: Contents: Playing Board,4 Ships, 4 Sails and masts, 5 diamonds, 5 rubies, 5 pearls, 5 gold bars, 5 rum barrels, pack of crew and chance cards. Also inside the Lid: Copyright 1971 (Which is a Contradiction to the Cover date of 1970) John Waddington Ltd., Patrick Green, Woodlesford, Leeds LS26 8HG, England. 28 Chance Cards Nos. 1 to 28 - crew Cards The covers of the Chance Cards are Black and White The covers of the Crew Cards and Green and White WADDINGTON’S ESCALADO ©? Escalado is the classic horse racing game. This action packed family game offers two game play options. For a quick game, choose a horse for a single race, for the full Escalado experience, try to accumulate the most money during a 6 race meeting. Escalado is just like the thrills and excitement of a real horse race. Simply set up the game, turn the handle and cheer the horses down the track! We are not sure when Waddington’s produced their version but the game is much older. We think it was originally produced by Chad Valley 1940’s? or even earlier with cast metal horses and wooden pegs to delay/tumble them. A simple but exciting game. A contact would like a copy of the rules. WADDINGTON'S CAREERS ©:COPYRIGHT 1957 "Careers is Waddington’s game of 'How to make money and influence people'. It's a race to succeed. Each player goes after his secret ambitions for money fame or happiness. With eight different careers to choose from, the prizes are high. Be a famous film star, the first man on the moon, or the head of government. You'll find the way to the top is far from smooth, there are risks to be taken, scandals arise, and taxes must be paid. But at the end there's room at the top for the lucky winner." For two to six players from 8 years, movement by dice and cards. Contents, Two leaf thick card folding Playing board, six Kimbo type tokens, pack of 25 experience Cards, pack of 27 opportunity cards, 1 pad of score sheets, two dice, and a pack of play money in six denominations. Still on sale in 1977 cost £4.50. Each player is given a score sheet, token, £1,000 note and a starting salary of £1,000. On the score sheet each player secretly writes down his own personal success formula, which is made up of 60 points. £1,000 equals 1 point and there are also fame and happiness points. The first player to equal or exceed his success formula wins. You can win concentrating on just money or happiness etc alone but your best chance is to include some of each type of point. I personally prefer more happiness that fame or money but then you can suddenly strike it rich as well. Choosing what you think is the best formula is the key to the game. You can also give yourself a tough formula is you find you are winning too easily! Two dice are used on the outside of the board. If you land on a white square you may enter that career on your next turn. Each career has entry requirements, the more desirable the career the higher the requirements and some require experience of other careers or university. If you land on a yellow square you draw an opportunity knocks card. These allow you to move to the career mentioned immediately or on a subsequent turn. Some cards are special "free entry" cards. Landing on pink squares or a corner square means you have to follow the instructions. You can land yourself in hospital, the park bench or square where you can buy fame or happiness for hard cash or pay taxes. If you land on a square occupied by another player that player is bumped straight to the park bench unless he bargains a card or a fee. If you enter a career you use one dice. Each career square offers bonuses or penalties. You complete a career when you land back on the outside track. You then gain experience of that career which gives you free entry if you want to enter that career again. You also gain an experience card (2 or three on subsequent visits). These experience cards allow you to plan your moves as you can use one to move instead of throwing the dice which can be VERY useful if you want to land on a particular square. Each time you pass payday on the outer board you collect your annual salary which increases or decreases as you pass through careers, even better is to receive double salary for landing on the square. If you have been through one career three times you can "retire" to the Bermuda Vacation square. There you gain happiness on throws of 7 or less. If you are in hospital or on the park bench you can only leave if you pay half your salary or throw 5 or less (hospital) or spend half your cash or throw 7, 11 or a double (park bench), you can't escape by using cards etc.. Our set is early 1960's and the board is contained in a big box. The cost was 25/6. Earlier sets exist with the board separate from the box. We have played this game many times and Andrew played it numerous times as a child. Some may dismiss it as a game with little strategy and too much "throw the dice and react to the square you land on". Careers is we feel more than that, it's a real fun game and there is strategy in what you choose for your success formula and how quickly you can then achieve it. Some careers are better than others for success. Go to sea or farm for happiness, politics and Hollywood are good for fame. Big business and prospecting are good for increasing your bank balance. The moon expedition is the greatest risk but the greatest rewards. Money can seem easy to acquire and can buy fame or happiness but there are plenty of square to spend large amounts of it as well. What you try and when is key and also how you use your experience cards. The games are of reasonable length but always reach a conclusion. For a fairly pleasant games evening it is highly recommended. WADDINGTON’S CONTACK DOMINO GAME. © ? The Game Contains: 36 Triangular Numbered Pieces, The Instructions Booklet, Cardboard Insert. A contact would like a copy of the rules for this game please. Later reissued as a budget Target Series game in 1966. WADDINGTON’S SKUDO © ? "The Exciting Chase Game For All the Family." For 2-4 players probably dating from the 1960’s. Have not played it but is a ludo or Downfall variant. This Great Family Game is Similar to Ludo,But Has Additional Features. The Object is to Move Your 4 Playing Pieces Completely Around the Board Before Entering Home. The Game Board Has 4 Revolving Discs on the Board,Which Alter the Routes Available Around the Board - This Can Help or Hinder Players as They Attempt to Get Home. Throw a Six and Revolve a Disc. Fun Family Game. Contents 16 Men ( Four Each in Four Colours). 1 Dice. Copy of rules received, thanks Marge Wilson. A further edition was produced in 1970 with Kimbo style counters. WADDINGTON’S TEST MATCH ©: COPYRIGHT ? Gerald has kindly sent us some details of this game which we reproduce below. Bowling. The control (?) on the right is the bowler. The dial can be moved into 7 positions. Position 1 for the first ball of the over, 2 for the second etc. This controls a circular dial and in the window a picture appears identifying the type of ball bowled; such as "leg break, bouncer, etc or even No Ball". the seventh position was used for the seventh or greater no of balls in the over. Batsman. the left hand dial worked in the same way but this time each position represents the type of ball received and in the window appeared the result, and could be the number of runs scored (0-6), or if a wicket is taken. the dials top centre maintain the score. It’s a game of cricket with the bowler bowling a ball (6 or more per over, as in the real game), and the batsman trying to score runs off each ball. I had hours of fun with this in the sixties, and even found out how to cheat.... A very simple game to play and manufacture. The controls turned a circular "toothed" card. WADDINGTONS Z CARS CIRCA 1960 2-4 PLAYERS aged7+ OBJECT OF THE GAME Move your piece from the corner starting square to the Police HQ. in the centre of the board. Players move by throw of the dice and must follow the instructions printed on the square landed on. At a road junction, you may choose which road to take but not return along the road driven. The game is won when a car reaches Police Headquarters by an exact throw of the dice. CONTENTS 1 x playing board, 4 x police car playing pieces, 1 x dice, set of rules printed on inside box The game re-lives the nostalgia of the series. The rules are printed on the inner box packaging with information about the TV program … "Most of the credit for the success of the Z Cars series on BBC television, must go to its two scriptwriters, Troy Kennedy-Martin and Allan Prior. They are both individual and different personalities but they work together to produce a programme which combines exciting drama with a down-to-earth reality. It is hard to see where Troy Kennedy-Martin has learned the factual background to the Z Cars series, for he spent most of his life outside England, and has never lived in Liverpool. He was born in Scotland, educated in Dublin, where he specialised in American studies. He was sent to Cyprus with the Gordon Highlanders in 1956 and at present lives in France. He flies from France every week to deal with the Z Cars production. In addition to Z Cars, he has contributed to the Somerset Maughan series and has written a very successful TV play Incident at echo six. Also his book Beat on a damask drum won him a coveted Times book club award. Allan Prior was born in Newcastle where he assimilated the background which gives authenticity to the Z Cars script. He now lives in St. Albans with his wife and two children. He is a good swimmer, plays badminton, and is a valued member of his local cricket club. Like his partner, Allan Prior is also a novelist and his Man at the door sold in gratifyingly large numbers. Among his previous TV successes he counts, Young affair, Starr and company and a series starring Wilfred Pickles called Yorky. He has also written a documentary on Sir John Barbirolli and has contributed to Coronation Street, Top secret and Inner circle.” WADDINGTON'S GO ©:COPYRIGHT 1961, The International Travel Game (not to be confused with Go the Japanese strategy game with points and black and white stones) For two to six players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A Board, six pairs of "Kimbo type" movement tokens. wads of currency for eleven different currency areas, wad of £200 Traveller's cheques, sets of 36 luck and risk cards, set of 32 Souvenir cards, two pads of travel ticket forms, a chart showing international fares, two rule books and one dice. The object of the game is to plan a journey to visit a number of principal cities of the world, starting from London and purchase souvenirs in these cities and be the first player to return to London with the agreed number of souvenirs. The number of souvenirs required determines the length of the game. Travel can be made by Air, sea rail or road. Each player uses one token on the outside of the board to exchange money into local currency to purchase tickets for the appropriate ticket office or from Thomas Cook. the other token is then used on the inner board to make the journey. You need an exact throw or an appropriate Luck Card to complete a journey. Luck cards can be picked up on the outer board and risk cards on the inner board. Andrew liked this game as a teenager as he was interested in transport and Geography and the playing equipment is very pretty. As a game it is not one of Waddington's best efforts. There is little interaction between the players and most of the play depends on luck. Provided you ensure you change enough of the right currency to buy the tickets and souvenirs; much depends on your throw of the dice and how lucky you are with the luck and risk cards. There are though only two souvenir cards for each city so you have to make sure you travel to cities that still have souvenirs available. The travellers cheques are superfluous and are not mentioned in the rules and we soon tired of completing travel tickets so they are really of little use either. Other touches are a casino to game your money and customs squares to relieve you of one of your souvenirs or some of that local currency you were hoping to buy your next travel ticket! Sharon & Richard comment “We have a cardboard board which folds up and sits in the lid box (it is printed on the back with a design very similar to that on the front of the box)” We are not 100% sure but we think that this was included in the Gibson’s version of the game and they have a Gibson’s version which takes a rigid board which folds in two as usual. They also mention that Gibson’s later issued a later Travel Go with a board, which has four pieces which slot together like a jigsaw. They can also offer a set of parts for this game except the tokens and the board. WADDINGTON'S KIMBO ©:COPYRIGHT 1961 "Kimbo (Waddington's game of fences) is a dynamic and original fast paced game for two to four players. Kimbo involves not only the movement of playing pieces but also "fences". Because of these "fences" and their effect, no two games are alike. Here is a game that is completely different, the outcome is always excitingly uncertain to the very end." For two to four players from 8 years, movement by dice. Our copy cost 21/- and is illustrated in the advert above. The game was priced at the bottom of the range. Contents, Playing board of extra thick card to allow for slots to be punched into the sides of the playing squares, four sets of four Kimbo plastic tokens as shown in the illustration, four sets of six plastic fences and two dice. The game was also produced by Parker Brothers Inc ©:COPYRIGHT 1960 and was invented by Robert S. Maggee a ball bearing manufacturer. Parkers quickly sold 60,000 sets and was their best seller for Christmas 1960 but it didn’t last long after that. The game has some similarities to Ludo. There are four starting area with two exits in each of the corners and a central home area with four entrances. Each player puts one of his playing pieces in each of the corners and places his fences in a set pyramid formation on the part of the board in front of him. Players can then move a fence of his own colour and place it in any vacant slot and then roll the dice. The player can move one piece the full throw or use the throw of one die for one piece and the other for a second piece. Pieces must not move diagonally and must move in one horizontal or vertical direction. If a fence is reached the piece has to make a 90 degree turn left or right and continue. If a player rolls a double he can use his throw to jump a piece next to a fence over that fence. Whenever a player lands by exact count on a space occupied by an opponents piece the player returns that piece to any of the starting corners. The first player to get all four of his pieces into the home space by exact count wins the game. As a child Andrew was not impressed by this game looking at it in the shop window. Games like Buccaneer and Careers looked much more exciting than the rather bland cover of this abstract game! Sonia and I have though played it many times in later life. It is simple to play yet it depends as much on placing the fences to best effect as the luck of the dice. It is best with four people and a good game to play with others at, say Christmas, as it is not difficult to learn how to play. We may be wrong but we don't think this was one of Waddington's more successful games and as in the United States was probably produced for only a limited time. WADDINGTON'S RISK! ©:COPYRIGHT , U. K. Patent No. 765037 One of Waddington's most well known and long lasting games and must be in the top ten of their best selling games. The game has seen a revival in recent years with fans among the younger professionals such as the founder of Eidos the U. K. Games manufacturer. The game has now also been recreated as a computer game. "Risk! is Waddington's game of strategy that embraces Continents, spans Oceans and involves a talent for planning and tactics as well as skill and luck. An unusual and dynamic game, the sweeping dramatic moves of many pieces make the play vital and thrilling. Risk is undoubtedly a great game." For three to six players from 8 years, movement by individual decision. This game will have been produced in a number of editions. Our copy is the one illustrated in the advert above. The game was priced at the top of the range at 27/6. Contents, Playing board of thinnish card of the world divided up into 6 continents, sub-divided into 42 territories, six sets of wooden playing pieces comprising 70 one army cubes and several bead shaped pieces representing ten armies, pack of 44 Cards plus one title card which is not used in the play, 3 red dice and two white dice. The title card and the two cards with three armies shown on the card are removed and the remainder of the cards which all depict a territory are dealt. Each player then puts an army on each of the territories he has been dealt. All cards are then returned and all the cards plus the two three army cards are reshuffled and placed face down. On each of a players turns he receives one extra army for each three territories he occupies with a minimum of three. In addition for each compete continent that he occupies he gains additional armies depending on the size of the continent. These armies can be placed all on one territory or among several but as you can only attack adjacent territories it is best to deploy on those. You are not forced to attack but you can attack any adjacent territory occupied by an opponent. An attacker must have a least one more army than the number of red dice he throws. e.g. two armies, throw one dice, three armies one or two dice and four or more armies he can throw one, two or the maximum three dice. The defending player will then throw one dice if he has only one army on the territory or two if he has more than that. The conflict is resolved by comparing the throws. If the attackers highest dice if greater that the defenders highest the defender removes one of his armies. If the defenders dice is equal to or higher than that of the attacker the attacker has to remove one of his attacking armies (i.e. the defender has the odds in his favour). This process is then repeated for the next highest dice. The attacker can continue to attack any adjacent territory provided he has at least two armies. He may attack any adjacent territory in any combination provided the number of dice he is using is stated and which territory is being attacked. When an attacker has caused the last army to be removed from a territory he must immediately move into that territory at least as many armies as the number of dice thrown plus any additional armies from the same territory provided one army is left. When the player cannot or does not wish to make any further attacks he can make one free move from one country he occupies to another provided one army remains in all territories. If a player has captured at least one territory he can take a card which are valuable but he receives no card if he has not captured a territory. These cards depict either horsemen, cannons or foot soldiers and also two joker cards depicting one of each. These cards can be made up into sets of three of the same type of forces, or one of each kind or two the same plus one joker. On his turn the player can cash in a set of cards for additional armies. He does not have to do this until he has five cards at the start of a turn. Each set cashed in is worth more than the last. The first set is worth 4, the second 6, the sixth 15 and the eighth 25 armies for example. The aim of attacking is to gain territories and more importantly to eliminate an opponent. If he does he gains all the cards that player holds and must cash in more sets until he has four or less cards. Andrew has played Risk on a number of occasions. He rates it as a good game and whatever he says it is very popular it is though by no means his favourite game. It has the advantage of being easy to learn how to play but you do need at least three people and the more the better. There is also the problem that players drop out before the game ends. Perhaps too much depends on the throw of the dice. No matter how many armies you have if you luck is out you won't succeed in occupying new territories. Having said that strategy and tactics are also very much part of the game. It is essential to gain a card each time and sometimes the same territory passes hands several times as adjacent players seek to gain a card without committing much effort. Try to build up a position or strength, isolated forces all over the place will be eliminated. Try to occupy a whole continent and then try to make sure you don't lose any of the territories. Conversely if you can break a players hold on a continent it will weaken him more than any other territory. If planning a major attack think out carefully the order to take the territories you want to occupy. A large army needs to finish in a good defensive position next to an opponent not next to your other forces. Games are often won by a strategic gamble on when to cash that set in and whether you can eliminate an opponent who will yield cards enabling you to place more armies on the board to possibly then eliminate the remaining player and win the game. Well worth a try if you like aggressive military games, but make sure your friends don't end up taking their loss out on you, things can get very tense at Risk, Waddington's didn't call it that for nothing! WADDINGTON'S RAILROADER ©:COPYRIGHT 1963 A race in the wild west, to pioneer the first railroad from Junction City to Buffalo Creek - using scale model track and trains. All the thrills of the romantic West-smoke signals, ambushes, outlaws, train-robbers, floods and landslides. And all the time a struggle to delay your opponents by placing dynamite on their tracks." For two to four players from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Large playing board with holes punched in four comparable routes, 104 sections of track - 72 straights, 16 left-hand curves and 16 right-hand curves, four plastic trains comprising engine, coach and caboose, pack of 24 Chance Cards, 20 red cubed boxes of dynamite, four green cubed line clear markers and two dice. In a turn players throw one dice to lay one to three lengths of track (4-12 spaces) or throw two dice to move the train forward on track already built but if you run out of track you are derailed and have to move seven spaces back. If you land on a red hazard space you take a chance card. If you land on a blue river space you can place dynamite on a rivals track. This means that that player has to move at half speed until he reaches it or if dynamite is placed immediately in front of an engine the engine moves back four spaces. If you land on an ambush square you are delayed until the engine runs light from the previous garrison post. The game was a top price range one at 27/6 and it's best feature is the artwork on the box and the quality of the track and trains etc. The game itself is little more that the classic race game livened up by the equipment. There is only one possible route for the track and limited scope for strategy. It was though an exciting game to play for a young Andrew keen on railways! WADDINGTON'S LASSOO © 1963 Join Armand Denis on Safari. Armand Denis a Belgian wildlife photographer together with his second wife Michaela made many BBC wildlife programmes in the late 1950's and early 1960's. A magnetic hoopla game using 3 magnetic rings. You throw the rings to go over the spots on the board to catch the animals. Various animals are depicted which you have to "lassoo" to add to your zoo. To win you have to lasso 4 Monkeys, 2 Antelopes, 2 Zebras, 2 Lions, 2 Giraffes, 2 Snakes, 1 Rhino and 1 Elephant. The game contains an uncut print-out sheet of the animals. Thanks to Eric from France for images and Brian Fisher for the animal details. MILLE LE NORMAND'S From Rod Oakley -Pack of cards Published by John Waddington Ltd. From Thierry Depaulis -This is a very classic French fortune-telling pack -- not a "Tarot" pack! -- invented in 1845 and marketed by Grimaud, the main French card manufacturer from c.1890 on. In 1963 Waddington’s took a significant share in Grimaud's capital, before drawing back in 1969. Therefore I think these cards, most probably made in France, were sold in Britain between 1963 and 1969. WADDINGTON'S BATTLE OF THE LITTLE BIG HORN ©:COPYRIGHT 1964, "In 1876 was fought one of the epic battles of North-West American history this game attempts to enable you to re-live this historic battle planning your own strategy." For two players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A heavy single sided Board made of three sections, hand painted plastic models comprising 3 mounted Indian Chiefs, 3 mounted tomahawk Indians, six Indians with rifles, General Custer, two officers, six men and the regimental flag, and two dice. The object of the game is to play out the battle and try to reverse the course of history. Andrew has played this game once back in the early sixties. He remembers he wasn't too impressed with the game. The pieces and board are lovely but the game probably doesn't live up to expectations. We don't think the game was manufactured for many years. “The game itself is very simplistic, not demanding at all; minimum tactical awareness is needed, and its far too reliant on luck to repay repeated playing. This, coupled with the fact that the plastic figures it came with could be used outside of the game (and hence lost) meant that a complete set soon became an extremely rare item” Nick Cooper. An Indian is needed by a contact if you can help contact us. If you have or want spare parts see TIPS WADDINGTONS BONANZA RUMMY GAME © 1964 Basically a familiar card game packaged as a TV related item WADDINGTON'S SPY RING ©:COPYRIGHT 1965 "Players take the part of spies in the diplomatic quarter of Bludt, in Espiona. To be a successful spy you must be aware of everything that goes on around you. Is the embassy you want to enter unguarded? Can you move your contact man so to frustrate a rival's plan? - or catch him in a prohibited area? Can someone pop up unexpectedly from one of the underground tunnels and claim one of your secrets? All the time you must keep an eye on the code words-never a dull moment." For two to four players from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents, Playing board, four plastic spies, four plastic contact men, four wireless aerials, sixteen plastic tokens (four red, four blue, four green, four yellow), pack of 40 Secret Cards (if you can help go to PARTS , and one dice. One of Waddington's better games with a blend of chance and skill and a game that doesn't require much rule book reading to be able to start to play. The game doesn't take too long to play and will reach a conclusion. The board consists of 16 embassies on which the secret tokens are shuffled and placed face down, one on each embassy. The roads which link the embassies have a prohibited area outside them, with blue spotting areas next to the prohibited area. Certain road squares have manhole covers and the roads are divided by uncross able areas of trees. The aim of the game is to collect secret cards. Each card has two letters on it which can be used to make up the word "fish" in different languages. The more cards used to make a word the more points that word is worth and the player that can make the best words plus one point for each card is the winner. To gain secret cards you throw the dice and move to an embassy. You can then examine the token and if it is your colour you can claim two secret cards. If not you place the token back face down on any empty embassy safe. It is therefore important to remember which tokens you have examined and which tokens other players have replaced might be your colour. You can also claim a secret card from another spy if you can move to an adjacent road square or move to a blue square and spot a spy who has move onto a red prohibited area trying to enter an embassy. Spies can also move from one manhole cover to any other for one single space move. If you throw one it is a mixed blessing. Firstly you have to put your aerial on and contact your con man. The con man can a) look at the token if he has been placed inside an embassy and claim secret cards, b) move his con man to another embassy or outside an embassy so he can spot another spy or c) move a rivals con man to another position. The down side of throwing one is that you then have to throw again. You then have to try to move to hide, you can move to safety inside an embassy but you can't look at the token. In their turn other spies can then spot you an claim a secret card if they or their con man can view you uninterrupted by trees or buildings. Which secret card you claim can be important as you try to make up your own code words and/or try to spoil other players words. The game continues until a) all secret tokens have been claimed, b) a player has claimed all his four tokens and can make any two code words (the Chinese and Japanese characters count as a word in their own right). The player has to declare which two words he is making and then has to enter one of the embassies involved in his next turn assuming that other players are unable to steal a secret card from him before his next turn. The winner though is still the player who can score the most points. A good game, you have to remember the tokens, move your spies an con men to best effect and fathom out how to make those code words. In 1977 the game was updated and reissued costing £4.99. The game was simplified somewhat to increase the appeal to younger players. The sixteen secret tokens were altered to show “formula”, “atom”, “circuit” and “microfilm” instead of the colours. Decoders and decoder cards which assemble to form a holder for up to five code secret tokens were also included. Also a second dice added. The secret cards and radio aerials appear though to have been abandoned. If a player throws a double he can use his bodyguard to return any spy to it’s starting position and can gain a secret token if he can correctly guess the type it is. WADDINGTON'S FORMULA 1 ©:COPYRIGHT ? For two to six players, movement by own decision We have had many happy hours playing this game invented by John Howart and Trevor Jones. The concept of the game is very clever, as the dice are not used for moving the cars in any way but merely for deciding penalties. Each 20 m.p.h represents one section of track and speed can be increased by up to 60 m.p.h. per turn. Corners are marked with the maximum recommended speed. If you take the corner beyond that speed you then throw the dice to see if you incur penalties. The risk of escaping without penalty is higher if you exceed by +40 m.p.h than +20 m.p.h.. The penalties are wear to the tyres or brakes or you can spin off all together which occurs in any event if you are +60 m.p.h.. You then have to start at zero speed next move. You can brake by 20 m.p.h. without penalty but braking more than that incurs higher penalties of brake and tyre wear. If you are baulked by other cars preventing you from moving you can incur large amounts of wear. If your tyres lose their tread completely you have to keep to safety speeds and if your brakes are worn you must spin off if you need to brake by more than 20 m.p.h. Each lap you can stop at the pits to fit new brakes and tyres but you have to take a card, which often delays you. You also receive five tactic cards at the start of the game, which can be played to advantage during the game. Two players should drive two cars each. The game is the usual Waddington's combination of skill and luck with players having to decide how fast to risk taking each corner and making sure they are not baulked. Contents Race playing area -Ours is in medium card in one piece folded into 4 sections. The penalty chart is on the first and third sections. Later sets (copyrighted 1973) the board is 2 Piece, each folded in half, same track layout (AFAIK) but no labels for the corners or anything, just some tacky photos. 2 pile markers in the middle for the pit & tactic cards, quite thick card. 6 dash boards, 6 plastic racing cars, 2 dice, 15 orange pit cards and 30 green tactic cards. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £4.95. Two box designs are known. There is an artwork version with one single car and a laurel wreath motif and a photographic version with more than one car. the penalty chart is No. on dice --------- Safety speed ---------- Penalty 2 3/3 4/4 or 12 +20 +40 No penalty 3 or 11 +20 +40 Spin off do not alter gauges (except speed) 4,5 or 8 +20 +40 Tyre wear 1 6 0r 10 - - - - - - + 40 Tyre wear 1 7 or 9 +40 Tyre wear 1, brake wear 1 A contact would like a copy of this game. WADDINGTON'S MINE A MILLION ©:COPYRIGHT 1965 (also produced as THE BUSINESS GAME) For two to six players, movement by dice. Equipment Board of two joined leaves, 12 mine derricks (2 of each of 6 colours), 6 lorries, 5 barges, 2 ships, 90 pyramids (15 of each of 6 colours), 24 cubes (4 of each of 6 colours), 26 production cards, 6 Canal Co. Title Deeds, 2 production debit cards, 1 dice, sterling and dollar currency. Andrew had great delight when this game arrived by post as an early Christmas treat. I had saved up for it myself and had obtained it by mail order through an offer with the Nabisco breakfast cereal "Shreddies". As far as I remember it cost 17/6 (75p) instead of the normal 21/6 (£1.07.5p). It is a great game for up to six players and works well with 2 players operating two mines and with three, four or six players. It is not so good with five as the competition factor on one side of the board is uneven with the other. It is one of my top ten favourite games as I love transport games. Each player operates an ore producing mine. The ore then has to be transported initially by lorries and also later by barges to the coastal warehouse. All transport has to be hired and there is always less transport available than required favouring those who are prepared to take a risk on achieving a quick journey without mishap. For example there are only 5 barges and always one less than the numbers of players to encourage competition and load sharing. You can also force other players to pay you for taking their ore to make up a barge load as all barges have to travel fully laden. Much depends on how long a journey takes. New ore can only be obtained by throwing a 1 or a six which also triggers the playing of a production card which can be favourable or not. Later on in the game barges and ships are used to transport ore out to sea to foreign ports to sell to gradually earn the Million Dollars needed to win the game. The Game was later retitled "The Business Game" and was later made under licence by Gibsons Games. DON’T MISS THE BOAT Copyright 1965 Parker Bros. Inc. Copyright 1966 John Waddington Ltd., Makers of “Monopoly”, Regd. Trade Mark A contact “would love to play it with my own children but can’t remember how. Can you help with instructions please?” WADDINGTON’S TABLE SOCCER © 1965 2 Players. The game consists of a cardboard pitch with two teams of plastic men on flat sturdy bases. The ball is a tiddlywinks counter. Each player sets out the team to his liking and the play is for the ball to be flipped to another player in the same team. Each player can then move two men into better positions and possession goes to the nearest player. Plastic goals are provided at each end. . Not played it. Cost £2.00. Copy of the rules received - thanks Ian Sayles. WADDINGTON'S CAT AND MOUSE © 1965 A simple and Fun Children's Game for 2 - 4 Players. Ages 4 Upwards. The Board consists of a Grid of Squares with mice printed on them in different directions. If you land on a square with your mouse, you turn it as Indicated and make your next move in that direction. Some squares are holes and if your mouse lands there it falls down into the box which has a cat printed on it. The last player who has a mouse left wins. Contents 1 Playing Board. 6 Mice in Four Colours. 1 Dice. One set of Rules. WADDINGTON’S CRIB-BOX © ? We have a board game called "Crib-Box" based on cribbage. The stock no. is 302. The game has a board and cards. Rules now received, thanks Alan and Henri. WADDINGTON’S CLICK© 1967 Complete with rules, 4 full original crayons for marking the score, 5 original dice, 4 laminated marker cards. I have yet to play it but it looks very similar to Yahtzee. The box is the same size as "Pit". from Darren Mclean. 2-4 players The object of the game is to secure the highest score with eleven turns.You may throw the dice three times at your turn.On each throw you put aside the dice you need for your combination.Very similar to yahtzee. Copy of the rules received thaks Andrew Kelly. BATTLESHIPS 1965 stock no. 308 - Travel version? 1965 stock no. 323. Pat no.890171 Again, the box is the same size as "Pit" and "Click" Inside there are the rules and approximately 30 original "maps" to mark down where your own fleet and your opponents fleets are. There is also an inner section which has on it various diagrams illustrating the different shapes of the pieces (both land and sea). from Darren Mclean WADDINGTON’S CAMELOT ©: COPYRIGHT TRADE MARK REG. No. 513204 “A fascinating game for 2 players. Command a small medieval army of knights and men and attack your enemies’ castle. A quick moving game of attack and defence, skilful but easy to learn. The playing pieces are realistic models of knights on horseback and men at arms.” For players age 8 upwards. Contents - Two leaf thick card folding Playing board, two sets of plastic pieces in red and white consisting of ten men and four knights. Our set is all enclosed in a lidded box but it may exist as an earlier version with a separate board. The pieces are placed on set starting places with the four knights placed at the ends of the two rows of pieces on each side. The game is won by the player who can move two of his pieces onto the Starred Squares representing the enemy castle at the opponent’s end of the board. The game can also be won if one player eliminates the other. Pieces can move one square in any direction onto a vacant square. A piece can also jump in any direction over any piece in an adjoining square provided there is a vacant space beyond it in a direct line. An enemy piece jumped over is immediately removed. Like draughts the piece is then obliged to jump over any further enemy piece that it can jump over. A piece can also “canter” i.e. jump over a friendly piece and may then jump over further friendly pieces. The knights can also move by means of a knight’s charge. He can canter over a friendly piece and then jumps over and remove an opponents piece. We had thought that this game was first produced in the late 1950’s but Andy Harland thinks is was 1966 or by 1970. Andrew saw one in a shop in that year and it is not listed in the c1960 sales leaflet. Andrew was not attracted to buy the game, it looked just like a glorified draughts and other games seemed more exciting. He seems to remember the set the local shop had was on the shelf for a long time! We have not played this game so it may be more pleasing to play that it first appears. The artwork on the box is quite attractive. WADDINGTON’S SLAM © 1967 WADDINGTON'S TENNIS GAME AND BADMINTON ©1966. Made by Waddington's 1966. Suitable for ONE, 2, 3, and 4 Players. Contents are 4 Tennis (badminton)Rackets, 4 shuttlecocks or (Feathers) With metal nibs at the ends, And 2 Cardboard nets these push together to make one large net through the middle of the green, 1 large Green paper court, As it is difficult to follow the movement of a ball in miniature tennis, both tennis and Badminton games are played using a Badminton Feather (Shuttle cock). Basically you are to smooth out the Green Court, decide who will serve first, you have markers, The game is basically like playing tennis or badminton, the rackets have small legs at the hand end of the racket so you are able to flick the racket up and serve or bat. WADDINGTON’S STEEPLECHASE A simple travel horse racing game c1966. WADDINGTON’S PITSTOP A mini travel version variant of Formula 1 c1966 WADDINGTON’S THUNDERBIRDS c1966 Contents, board, cards, T1-T4, 9 red pyramid Hood alarm markers. Contact has the game with the figure of "The Hood" missing. Can you help, also a copy of the rules would be appreciated? WADDINGTON’S CAPTAIN SCARLET © 1967 Rules from Nick Cooper description to follow. WADDINGTON’S WHOOPS © 1967 Game thought to date from 1967 (Pete Simmonds) “It is mainly for children, I think, although the theme - using mothers with prams and babies to stop taxis getting around - is a bit non-child friendly”. From Sharon Hall . Rules now received thanks Tim Allen. WADDINGTON’S WHOOPS © ? A different children's game for children 4+. 2-4 Players. Date of production unknown. WADDINGTON’S JEKYLL AND HIDE ©? Rules from Nick Cooper description to follow. WADDINGTON’S BOOBYTRAP © 1967 This is a wooden framed game of skill and a little luck. As described on the box- "new spring-bar game, for action packed thrills" The idea is to take out the discs that are caught in the booby trap with out causing the spring-bar to "SNAP" Each player takes one disc out each turn and whoever ends up with the most points after all penalties have been accounted for, is the winner. Copy of rules appreciated if you have a set. This is a wooden framed game of skill and a little luck. As described on the box- "new spring-bar game, for action packed thrills" The idea is to take out the discs that are caught in the booby trap with out causing the spring-bar to "SNAP" Each player takes one disc out each turn and whoever ends up with the most points after all penalties have been accounted for, is the winner. Copy of rules appreciated if you have a set. WADDINGTON’S BLAST-OFF © 1969 A contact asks "Have you any information of the above, i.e. “A game of modern space exploration and technology”, for 1 to 4 players. Copyright 1969 by John Waddington Ltd Stock No.407 " “Blast-Off". We have an original 1969 copy of this game so we should be able to answer any questions. It was made, as I recall, not long after the moon landing (if it ever took place...) and was not one of their most popular games. There isn't much skill involved, mainly chance, although is plays smoothly and the board looks good. Overall, it is absorbing.” From Graham Ward. WADDINGTON'S AIR CHARTER ©:COPYRIGHT 1970. Game for two to four players, from c8 years, movement by dice. Contents: A Board, four plane movement tokens, four fuel gauges, wad of currency in six different denominations, sets of plastic pyramids representing cargo - 30 (approx) white and five each of red, blue, green yellow and purple, sets of 20 incident and 20 freight cards, two rule books and one dice. The object of the game is to convey freight by aeroplane to small airports in Australasia and S. E. Asia and make the highest profit. Each player has a demand freight card to fulfil of conveying goods or the white pyramids, which represent special foodstuffs to a particular airport. Fuel is paid for and expended by dice throw. When an airport is reached there is a circling zone as an exact throw is needed to enter a runway. If you are unlucky and run out of fuel you have to pay £500 for an emergency landing which is back at home base if you are between airports or on the airport parking strip if you are within the circling area. One of the great advantages of the game is that it can be played at this simple but interesting level or played at the full level. In the full game players compete to transport the same cargo demand and pay other players for fuel taken from their airport. The white pyramids are foodstuffs which as well as being used for specific demands can be conveyed between the larger airports but for a set amount of money. In the full game when you throw 1 or 6 you also take an incident card, which gives various advantages and control over certain airports etc. In the full game you can even take the cargo off someone else’s plane if your plane is leaving first. We both rate this game very highly it is an absorbing game with a good blend of skill and strategy and has a time span limited to the number of freight cards. WADDINGTON’S ONE TWO MANY COPYRIGHT 1970’S A young persons build and balance game WADDINGTON’S EXPLORATION ©: COPYRIGHT 1970 We only have an incomplete version of the Waddington’s Game “An exciting Adventure Game on land, sea and underwater for 2-4 players. Recapture the thrills of man’s great achievements. Prepare and mount your own expedition – Mountaineering, Diving, Sailing and Archaeology” Designed by James C. Spiring B.Sc. Apart from the fact that it can only be played by 4 players the board and box artwork is identical to the original version of the game ©: COPYRIGHT 1967 by Spiring Enterprises Limited, Dorking Surrey. The original box is shorter than the standard Waddington’s box. We have a complete copy of this game and the description is based on this. Ages 8/9-adult. The game consists of two land expeditions – Mountaineering and Archaeology; and two sea expeditions Sailing and Diving. In the first part of the game the player has to obtain personnel members and equipment belonging to one expedition. When ready the player may start the second part of the game and travel from his base to his main objective and then back to base. He also has the choice of visiting lesser objectives and he may have to overcome hazards. The choice of objectives and the route taken are determined by the skilful play and use of personnel members and equipment. The winner is the person with the most money at the end of the game rather than the first to complete an expedition. Contents in a cardboard box – One game board with a single fold, one pack of 3 personnel members and 1 shop card for each expedition (16 cards total), one pack of 4 items of equipment for each expedition (16 cards total), one pack of 14 Exploration Club Cards, one pack of money in three denominations (50, 100 and 500), 1 dice, 1 special Diradice and 5 plastic playing pieces (the type is particular to this game and have a thicker base tapering to a rounded cone. The Waddington’s version also has this type of piece) and two set of instructions. Players receive personnel cards – 4 for 2 or 3 players, 3 for 4 players and 2 for 5 players. Each player receives £1,500 and players then use the outer edge of the board to make preparations. Players use an ordinary dice and move the exact number unless if a 6 is thrown the player can choose any number. When a player lands on one of the expedition squares he may buy one item of equipment but must show a personnel member card for that expedition. Payment is made to the player who has the shop card for that expedition or into the prize fund. Only two items of equipment can be bought for each personnel member card. Equipment can be bought for more than one expedition if he holds the appropriate cards. Equipment of two expeditions cannot be used during the second part of the game. The only point of buying such equipment is either for resale or if the player is not sure which expedition to undertake. When a player moves onto a corner take a personnel card square he may take the top card from the pack and (except for 5 player games where three cards may be held) return any card to the bottom of the pack. Any equipment obtained by using the unwanted personnel member must be offered for sale but he may charge and extra £50 per item. On his turn a player can also exchange one item of equipment with another player with an appropriate cash adjustment. Personnel cards cannot be exchanged between players. Exploration Club squares involve taking a chance card. A player can begin his expedition when he has two items of equipment and two personnel members for the same expedition (subsequent players are allowed to start with less). He must reach the preparation start square by moving along the outer track. When on base a player must offer unwanted equipment for sale at £50 more than was paid or return to equipment stack without any repayment. All unwanted personnel cards except shop cards must also be returned. The second part of the game is the Expedition. Expeditions- Each players cards are on show when he commences. Land expeditions cannot go onto the sea or lakes and sea expeditions cannot go onto land squares except to reach the objectives. Each expedition has a major objective (ie large cash payment for reaching it) and 2 or 3 lesser objectives (ie worth much less). Only one personnel member can claim the large cash payment for reaching it so in a five player game one player still has to reach a major objective but will not receive the payment so this is probably why Waddington’s decided to reduce the number of players to four in their later version. The board has land and river squares and sea and lake squares. Each square is then either plain or has an equipment symbol on it, which can only be entered if that player has the right equipment card. Additionally some squares are hazard squares enclosed by a dotted line and the three hazards can only be entered if the player holds the appropriate personnel card. Movement in the second part of the game is by a special diradice. One face is one move in a straight line, one face is one move in any direction, one face is one or two moves diagonally, one face is one or two moves horizontally and the other two faces allow one move in any direction and then one move horizontally or diagonally similar to the knights move in chess. Players then have to reach their main objective and return to base. They can also visit lesser objectives and gain additional payments. Bonuses are paid for returning home first second and third and the first person home also receives any money paid into the prize fund. The artwork etc on the game is attractive and the idea is good but we do not feel this is one of the great board games. It is a better game with four players than with two or three. The main problem is that there is insufficient opportunity for players to interrelate and compete with each other. The first stage of the game is quite good with the scramble to obtain the right personnel and equipment and who will choose which expedition and who has the shops to collect money from other players etc. The Exploration club chance cards should not be neglected as they increase the element of uncertainty in the game and they can be avoided otherwise. We would even go as far as saying each player should have to take one at the start. The decision when to start your expedition is also important. The first player to complete his expedition stands a good chance of winning as he claims at least twice the bonus of subsequent players and also claims the prize money. So you have to decide whether to wait until you have more equipment and personnel or make a start. You must though have two persons and two equipment cards. The second part of the game is what lets it down as effectively with each player making a different expedition they are playing on their own and the diradice also takes some getting used to. You can’t really impede your opponent at this stage but you do have to decide whether to just go for the main objective and get home first or try to visit lesser objectives as well and still win by having the most money. Overall there are better games that this one. WADDINGTON’S CUBE FUSION © 1970 “I have purchased "cube-fusion" by Waddington’s. It is in a grey box the same size as "monopoly & the formula 1" It consists of about 8 plastic boxes with a red & green balls inside & I think its some form of 3d noughts & crosses with a twist.. Is it rare & how long did they make it for? Cube Fusion is basically 3 dimensional noughts and cross (or Tic Tac Toe as our colonial friends refer to it). Despite aggressive marketing, the game wasn't a best seller - most people looked at the box and the price, and decided they wouldn't pay that for what appeared to be noughts and crosses! I believe it was withdrawn within 3-4 years of production. A complete set is therefore a rare and a comparatively valuable item on the games market, subject to condition; I've seen versions on sale on the Net for up to £35. thanks N. Cooper The Modular Strategy Game consisting of 12 pairs of cubes fused together with a coloured ball in each - green and red in colour. When a move is made it is also a move for the opponent. Leaflet with 6 different games included. Copy of the rules of the six variations of the game available in word format. please. WADDINGTON'S MINDBENDER PERFECT SQUARE (C) 1970 A game where you convert 12 shapes into a square. A contact would like the solution as offered on the rules. Can you assist please? WADDINGTON'S MINDBENDER COLOURED SQUARE (C) 1971 WADDINGTON’S 4000 A.D. AN INTERSTELLAR CONFLICT GAME ©: COPYRIGHT 1971 board, 1972 rules and box. “4000 A.D. is a unique game of strategy set two thousand years in the future, when men have spread to the planets of other stars hundreds of light –years from the earth. An interstellar conflict between worlds is its subject. The concept of star travel by hyper-space is the basis of its unique playing character. 4000 A.D. is pure strategy of movement, with no chance element.” Two to four players may play independently, four players can play are two sets of allies. Contents: Thick card Playing board in two pieces each with a folding hinge, star ships in four colours with 44 tiny plastic pieces representing 1 ship and 8 larger plastic pieces representing 5 ships. In our set the larger pieces have a circular disc base with a small stick joined to a cylinder with a rounded end looking like an ice-lolly or a rounded fir tree. Our smaller pieces are tiny circular discs with a stalk joined to a small sphere.8 Hyper-Space Warps each with one red and one yellow marker. Two sets of rules, one in French and one in English and a strategy book in English and French. Four clear Perspex snap shut boxes, each large enough to hold all the pieces of one colour. Game still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50. The board consists of the "Star Field" i.e. an area of space, which contains various stars and surrounding this area are the Hyper-Space Paths. Each star on the Star Field has a name and a letter showing the sector that the star is located in. The star field is divided into 12 areas 4 long and three wide but there is also another comparable 4 long by three wide area underneath that. This means that there are 24 cubic areas of space on the board in total. The stars are either brighter yellow and located in the upper areas of cubic space or red lower stars located in the lower areas of cubic space. The cubic space areas are called A yellow to L Yellow in the upper area and A red to L red in the lower area. This means that cubic area A yellow is directly above area A red etc. The stars as well as being yellow in the upper sector and red in the lower are also of four types. Stars with a circle have a human population and stars with a cross have raw materials. Stars with both symbols have both population and materials and stars with neither symbol have strategic value only. Stars with material gain production each second turn which are used to produce new star ships. Each player starts with 15 single ships, which are place around one of the stars that are designated as home stars. For two players you have 30 ships and two stars. Each player has two Hyper-Space warps which are used to make journeys on the Hyper-Space paths. In a players turn he can move as many ships as he wishes to another star using one warp only. He places the ships on a warp using a peg to indicate the sector the journey started from These paths/warps only indicate where the journey commenced from and the number of turns the ships have been travelling in space. In the same turn a ship can move from one star to another in the same sector of cubic space or remain on the path for a further turn. In subsequent turns any warps on the path can remain in space and be moved a further space forward or land on a star the appropriate distance from its origin. One departure can also be made provided one of the two players warps is available and provided they are not engaged in battle any or all of the ships that have arrived on a star can also depart that turn together with any ships that were already on that star prior to that turn. When a warp arrives at a planet that is occupied by an enemy a battle takes place. The larger fleet always wins and the losing players ships are lost. It is also possible to plan journeys so that two warps arrive in the same turn having made journeys of different lengths. If the forces and equal the attacking player is not allowed to land but may land at another star in the same sector of cubic space. Stars are occupied by any player who lands a ship there and continues to occupy it with one ship. Each second turn is a production turn and each player takes his production at the beginning of his own turn before making his moves. Players receive one new ship on their home star for each pair he can make of a circle (population) and a + (materials) on the stars he occupies, including his home star. If the home star is lost but the player is not eliminated he cannot produce new ships. You win the game when the player or alliance captures both home stars of the enemy, the game is over once the second home star has been captured. We have played this game on a number of occasions and thoroughly recommend it. Somehow though Sonia usually wins. This game is suitable for older children and adults only. There is no luck element in the game and as battles are total elimination. The strategy guide gives plenty of information about how to play successfully. The most successful attacks are where you can use multiple fleets from different stars, but as you can make only one departure each turn they have to be different distances from the destination. If faced with a large attack it is often a good idea to just leave one star ship at the star. The attacking player then has to decide to tie up his forces on attacking a star with only one ship at it and it he decides not to then you can still draw resources form that star. You have to balance colonisation of stars to gain resources with attacking other stars to eliminate forces. You will have to play the Game and develop your own stratifies though often the unpredictable move is the successful one. Jesse Jackson also tells of a 1974 version of the game made in the U.S.A., he is looking for a copy and a set of the larger ships used in the game. “The 1974 version has only English rules and title but the inner box has dark brown, plastic, shaped recesses for the boxes and, I believe, the warp sleds. 1974 was the date of the newer version I had as a teenager and the one with the "altered ships." The "ships" were four-sided, tapering to a point on one end and with a square section in the rear separated from the ship body by a slight notch all around so as to seem as fins. Like the other pieces, these came in two sizes and were the same colour for each player. They were easier to manipulate as the smaller pieces, the single ships, were the same length as the larger pieces and therefore easier to see and move. An image of these ships can be seen at http://www.gamepile.com/game18.html This may help solve the mystery: An American catalogue department store carried the game briefly and it was there my parents found the variant version and bought it for me in 1974. I believe it was Montgomery Ward though it could have been Sears or J.C. Penny's. I have yet to see the "American" marketed version once on e-Bay and haven't sought out the department stores or old catalogues. In the end, I am happy with my games and may stop searching for the bomb variant. My second copy of the bi-lingual game is dated 1977. It has a burgundy backed board with black plastic wells to seat the round clear plastic boxes for ships and pegs but the sleds are loose in larger, rectangular wells. The ships are identical to the 1972 version. The box is more reddish-purple than the 1972 version and is the same colour I remember my 1974 version having. In case people didn't understand what sort of game they were buying before, one that requires brains, projection and spatial (3-D) thinking, the newer version is described on the box as "An interstellar conflict game based on the concept of star travel by hyperspace for 2-4 players." [For those who like Star Trek but not necessarily Einstein's theories, oh heck, it's a game, have some fun!] From someone who loves this game and has never lost, here's an anecdote: We used an Eisenhower silver dollar to keep track of production turns. There are many cool coins out there but that one is so large it was a natural. One lives in my game as its sole purpose for existence.” SUBBEUTEO Subbeuteo seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth, could you please review the game in your section on Waddington’s games and try and find links to sites that sell the game and its accessories, my stuff is getting rather tatty. Andrew played this football game in his youth but knows little about the details or history. Tim Synge replies "Subbuteo went through its heyday in the 1970s and 1980s under Waddington’s, with approx 800 different football team strips being produced and a range of box sets from club right up to world cup, often with half a dozen different sets in the range. Over the years, Waddington’s also produced rugby and cricket sets which were sold in reasonable numbers and some other more esoteric games including snooker and angling. Subbuteo was sold out to Hasbro in the mid-nineties and, as so often, the range was cut drastically with only a few world cup sides and English premiership teams being available. The huge range of accessories was also cut right back. I believe that Hasbro now have an exclusive deal with Toys'R'Us in the UK, so that is where the limited range is now sold. A rumour was spread around a couple of years ago that Subbuteo production would cease. This may have been a marketing ploy akin to the recent Beanie Babies stories, but the game gained a reprieve and there is a small range of new sets and teams in the shops this year. The huge numbers of sets and teams sold in the seventies and eighties mean that there is a lot of second-hand Subbuteo equipment around, although the nature of the game means that players are easily broken. Subbuteo appears regularly on ebay, with prices fluctuating quite substantially - there are also a number of internet dealers such as www.subbuteoworld.co.uk - one of the more polished sites. It is also apparently frequently found at car boot sales. The older boxed sets, such as the 1974 World Cup set, can fetch £50 to £100 and mint condition 1970s teams ("heavyweights" - there have been a number of different figure styles) may fetch £5 to £30 depending on the rarity of the team. (Brazil, for example, is much commoner than, say, Partick Thistle.) For many people, the most desirable item is a huge "Munich" box set, sold briefly in the early seventies and prices of several hundred pounds are bandied about on chat sites, although there is little evidence of actual transactions taking place to support this! Some collectors go for the pre-1970s celluloid figures rather than the various plastic ranges - again condition and completeness vary considerably. The Subbuteo world site has some useful information and history. " TOP TRUMPS Top Trumps were set of picture card whist type games printed by Waddington’s game during the 1970s /80s. Some more information to follow but also give www.footballtoptrumps.co.uk a try, a site run by Justin Campbell. WADDINGTON'S CAMPAIGN©: COPYRIGHT 1971 "An exciting strategy game in which each player can become a Napoleon or a Wellington leading his army across Europe. Famous battles can be refought and alliances can be made and broken with this compelling game of military and political strategy." Stock No.417 Game suitable for older children (say 10 upwards) and adults. Two to four players. Contents: Playing board made up of three sections of thick card joined together, each leaf 9.5"X19.25" (24.5X49 cm). Four sets of army pieces in red, white, blue and light green, comprising 1 General, 9 infantry and 9 cavalry units. 6 sets of 4 town cards of different colours, 4 alliance cards, 2 dice, 6 page rule book and a 4 page "The Years of Napoleon" guide. Still on sale in 1977 cost £5.50. The game does not correspond with a particular battle but is inspired by the Napoleonic wars and the game can be won either by the outright defeat of your opponent or (more likely) by acquiring towns controlling large areas of territory. The board is a representation of Europe and western Russia and is divided into six areas of roughly equal size representing France, Prussia, Russia, Austria, Italy and Spain. Each country has four provincial towns and five of the countries used as starting countries also have a capital city. Parts of the board, particularly the central area have areas of impenetrable mountains, forests and sea which restricts the movement of the troops. The game can be played in an introductory version and then with additional rules as a standard game. Depending on the number of players each player selects a county or if two players two countries but France and Prussia cannot be used at the same time. The two dice are always thrown together and are only used to move the pieces and are never used to determine the outcome of the attack. The throw can be used all on one piece or many pieces. The full throw does not have to be used. The pieces are placed in a set format on the country selected with the General on the capital square and four infantry and four cavalry. Each player has the five town cards of his own country. The pieces move in set ways. The General moves one square in any direction. When it attacks it has a value of one and when defending a value of two. The General is the only piece that can capture a town by simply moving onto it. Cavalry has to move two squares at a time and must move horizontally or vertically never diagonally. Infantry move one square and only diagonally. Pieces cannot pass through opposing lines unless there is a clear gap of at least one square. Infantry and Generals can pass between adjacent units of their own side. A piece is attacked and taken and removed from the board when superior pieces (two for Infantry and Cavalry and three for a General) are positioned on adjacent squares (not moved to the opponents position). Also pieces can only attack along a line in which they are allowed to move. Only one piece can be attacked in a turn and the player has to say which piece he is attacking before the move is made. You have to think carefully about which pieces you are using with each other. You will find that it is important to bear in mind that infantry pieces start on adjacent squares and can never move to a adjacent horizontal square and can only move diagonally. The same applies to cavalry it cannot move to an adjacent horizontal square. Therefore to be able to attack an opponent you either need two cavalry pieces that can move to the same square, two infantry pieces that can move to the same square or an infantry piece and a cavalry that can move to adjacent squares. The General can move to any square and can therefore be used to attack with any other piece. If you have just infantry and cavalry you can find out frustratingly that you have two pieces that cannot be used together. It is also good strategy to try to capture pieces that can attack together. If a General is captured he has to move back to his starting position and has to miss a turn but he may not be attacked again until after this second turn. Consequently you try to avoid having your General captured at all costs. When a General captures a town the corresponding town card is claimed from the other player. A capital can only be captured after the provincial towns have been captured. Where more than two players are playing you can agree to ally with another player and exchange alliance cards. An ally cannot cross into his ally's territory without his consent. Alliances can though be broken simply by breaking the alliance during one turn and then attacking the next turn giving the former ally one turn to re-deploy. The game is won if the player captures all his opponents capitals or captures 8 towns of any colour but not including the 4 in his own country. You also win if your opponents General is left with no troops. The rules for the standard game have additional rules as follows: Towns are red towns or yellow towns, when a player captures a red town at the end of the turn he claims the town card and the piece shown on the town and places this piece adjacent to the town. The player who lost the town also has to remove the piece of the same type that is closest to that town. In the standard game a piece being attacked is supported by any other pieces adjacent to it. Therefore a closely grouped force can be very difficult to attack as you need to attack a piece with two other pieces and have one piece able to attack and neutralise any adjacent pieces. The standard game also makes it even move important not to let your General be captured as it has to return to an enlistment area with all his troops. He can though recruit some additional troops depending on the number of red town cards he holds to compensate for the fact that all his red towns will be venerable. The player then has to mobilise his troops by using the next few turns to move on to the capital city area. Campaign is basically a pure strategy game. It you are in a position to attack a piece you will take it. However, there is some luck depending on how high a movement throw you have. Sonia and I have enjoyed many games of Campaign but have not played it with more that two players. It does though work well with two. It can though be frustrating if your attack force becomes incompatible but you really need to use the General in attacks for the maximum effect. However, it is quite a disaster if you let your General be captured. The game can take a couple of hours to play and is usually resolved by a player obtaining the required number of towns. Sometimes the game can also be frustrating as it is difficult to retain towns and you can have the situation of a General taking a chance and moving quickly from red town to red town with another piece retaking towns. The box, cards and board are very colourful the pieces fairly abstract. A revised artwork edition was introduced in 1974.	i don't know
What is the name of the 1995 film about a supernatural board game, starring Robin Williams and Kirsten Dunst?	Jumanji (1995) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. Error When two kids find and play a magical board game, they release a man trapped for decades in it and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game. Director: From $9.99 (SD) on Amazon Video ON TV a list of 28 titles created 07 Mar 2011 a list of 25 titles created 06 Oct 2013 a list of 38 titles created 27 Jul 2014 a list of 22 titles created 02 Sep 2014 a list of 42 titles created 17 Feb 2015 Search for " Jumanji " on Amazon.com Connect with IMDb Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. 4 wins & 9 nominations. See more awards » Videos After a bitter divorce, an actor disguises himself as a female housekeeper to spend time with his children held in custody by his former wife. Director: Chris Columbus When Captain Hook kidnaps his children, an adult Peter Pan must return to Neverland and reclaim his youthful spirit in order to challenge his old enemy. Director: Steven Spielberg A newly recruited night security guard at the Museum of Natural History discovers that an ancient curse causes the animals and exhibits on display to come to life and wreak havoc. Director: Shawn Levy A martial arts master agrees to teach karate to a bullied teenager. Director: John G. Avildsen One year after Kevin was left home alone and had to defeat a pair of bumbling burglars, he accidentally finds himself in New York City, and the same criminals are not far behind. Director: Chris Columbus The scientist father of a teenage girl and boy accidentally shrinks his and two other neighborhood teens to the size of insects. Now the teens must fight diminutive dangers as the father searches for them. Director: Joe Johnston A troubled child summons the courage to help a friendly alien escape Earth and return to his home world. Director: Steven Spielberg A young boy wins a tour through the most magnificent chocolate factory in the world, led by the world's most unusual candy maker. Director: Tim Burton Four kids travel through a wardrobe to the land of Narnia and learn of their destiny to free it with the guidance of a mystical lion. Director: Andrew Adamson Story of a wonderful little girl, who happens to be a genius, and her wonderful teacher vs. the worst parents ever and the worst school principal imaginable. Director: Danny DeVito An 8-year old troublemaker must protect his home from a pair of burglars when he is accidentally left home alone by his family during Christmas vacation. Director: Chris Columbus Two young brothers are drawn into an intergalactic adventure when their house is hurled through the depths of space by the magical board game they are playing. Director: Jon Favreau Edit Storyline After being trapped in a jungle board game for 26 years, a Man-Child wins his release from the game. But, no sooner has he arrived that he is forced to play again, and this time sets the creatures of the jungle loose on the city. Now it is up to him to stop them. Written by Joshua Davis <[email protected]> It's a jungle in there! See more » Genres: Rated PG for menacing fantasy action and some mild language \| See all certifications » Parents Guide: 15 December 1995 (USA) See more » Also Known As: 104 min Sound Mix: Dolby Digital (Dolby Digital 5.1) (5.1 Surround Sound) (L-R)\| Dolby SR (Dolby 5.1) (5.1 Surround Sound) (L-R)\| SDDS (8 channels) (5.1 Surround Sound) (L-R)\| 3 Channel Stereo (5.1 Surround Sound) (L-R) Color: Did You Know? Trivia The song that Alan (Robin Williams) sings while shaving in the bathroom is the theme to Gilligan's Island (1964). See more » Goofs At different points during the movie after Alan is released from Jumanji his knowledge/awareness of the fact that Judy & Peter have started playing the game changes. First after examining his bedroom after 26 years, Judy & Peter walk in and Alan asks them who rolled a 5 or an 8? To which Judy tells him that Peter did. So obviously Alan is aware at this point in the film that the kids have found the game Jumanji and have played it to the point where they had finally released him. Later, he is still fully aware that Judy & Peter have played the game because before the mosquito tries to attack them in the car, Alan asks them "What came out of the game before me?" Then when it comes down to the moment where it looks like it's only going to be Judy, Peter & Alan playing the game, with Alan acting only as an observer and Judy's piece won't move after rolling the dice 2 times; Alan observes the game board and notices that 2 of the pieces belong to Judy & Peter and then asks "Who are the other pieces?" FIRST QUESTION: How does he not remember playing the game 26 years ago? Since it was him playing the game/rolling the dice & reading the clue that got him sucked into the board game in the first place. Yet, right after remembering that the elephant piece was his, he says to Judy & Peter that "You're playing the game I started playing in 1969". Well, Of course they are, Alan. That's how the kids got you out of the game in the first place. Then only after Judy tries handing him the dice so he can take his turn, does Alan suddenly remember who the other game piece belongs to, yet just a minute ago in the film he questioned who the 2 other pieces belonged to (His/Sarah's) Just seems like one minute he remembers the clue he read before being sucked into the game, but yet forgets his own game piece being the elephant and Sarah being the other piece aside from Judy's & Peter's. And it also seems like one minute he knows & is aware that Judy & Peter have started playing the game thus the reason why he (Alan) is now finally released from the game after 26 years, but yet is so shocked & surprised when he realizes (after remembering his elephant game piece) that Judy & Peter have started playing the game that he started in 1969. See more » Quotes Alan Parrish, 1969 : [angry] I guess I'm not ready for Cliffside then! Samuel Alan Parrish : [at the door, shouts] We're taking you there next Sunday! And I don't want to hear another word about it! Alan Parrish, 1969 : You won't! I'm never talking to you again! [Sam slams the door behind him as Alan tears up the brochure in anger] There are no opening credits other than the title. See more » Connections Courtesy of Chrysalis Records, a division of EMI Under license from CEMA Special Markets (Tunbridge Wells, England) – See all my reviews In 1969, in a small town in New Hampshire, a twelve-year-old boy named Alan Parrish finds a Victorian-era board game called "Jumanji", and starts to play it with his friend Sarah. What the children do not realise, however, is that the game has strange, mysterious powers, and when Alan's token lands on a particular square he is suddenly sucked into the game. Unsurprisingly traumatised by the disappearance of her friend, Sarah runs out of the house shrieking, leaving the game unfinished. Twenty-six years later two more children, Peter and Judy, orphaned by the death of their parents in a car crash, move into the former Parrish family home with their Aunt Nora. They find the old Jumanji set and start playing the game; when Peter rolls a five Alan suddenly reappears, now a grown man. He explains to them that he has been trapped inside the game for the last twenty-six years and that they must now finish the game which he and Sarah started. This, however, is easier said than done. Not only must the children find Sarah and persuade her to take part, they must also cope with the magical effects of the game. Each roll of the dice results in strange happenings in keeping with the game's jungle adventure theme; animals such as lions, monkeys, elephants and rhinoceroses suddenly materialise and proceed to wreak havoc in the town. Just as deadly is a white hunter named Van Pelt who will take pot-shots at anything that moves, animal or human. The big-name star in this film is Robin Williams, although it also features a young Kirsten Dunst, later to become a big name herself. This isn't Williams' best role- I generally prefer him in his more serious films like "Dead Poet's Society" or "Good Morning, Vietnam"- but it's a lot better than many of his comedies, which can descend into either silliness or sentimentality. This is the sort of family film that offers something to entertain the adults as well as the children, and has some underlying serious themes. The main theme is that of courage and of confronting one's fears; the horrors unleashed by the game can (if one is in a particularly serious, analytic frame of mind) be seen as symbolic of the problems that the characters need to overcome. Although (or perhaps because) he is from a wealthy, privileged family, the young Alan is a shy, lonely boy who finds it difficult to make friends and who is neglected by his cold, distant parents. Nevertheless, he does win his father's approval when he finds the courage to stand up to a gang of bullies who have been tormenting him. There is doubtless some Freudian significance in the fact that Alan's father and the murderous Van Pelt are played by the same actor. Children, of course, could not care less about Freudian symbolism and are generally allergic to underlying serious themes. When I was a child the one thing that would kill a book or a film stone dead for me was the suspicion that it was being used by the adult world to preach some morally improving message to me. (C.S. Lewis was a particular bête noire of mine after an intellectually precocious classmate, who even at the age of nine cherished the long-term ambition to become Archbishop of Canterbury, pointed out to me the Christian allegory behind the "Narnia" stories). Fortunately, any moralising in "Jumanji" is fairly light, and I suspect that children will simply see it as an exciting adventure story, even if the final twist in the tale involves the intellectually difficult concept of "alternative timelines". The special effects used to create the scenes of the rampaging animals seem to have aroused some excitement when the film first came out, although thirteen years on they have a rather retro, nineties feel to them. (And from the point of view of today's techno-literate youngsters the 1990s probably seem only slightly less technologically backward than the 1890s). 7/10 7 of 8 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes	Jumanji
A score of 4 is for which part of the body in a game of ‘Beetle’?	Kirsten Dunst (Actress) - Pics, Videos, Dating, & News Kirsten Dunst Female Born Apr 30, 1982 Kirsten Caroline Dunst is an American actress, singer and model. She made her film debut in Oedipus Wrecks, a short film directed by Woody Allen for the anthology New York Stories (1989). At the age of 12, Dunst gained widespread recognition playing the role of vampire Claudia in Interview with the Vampire (1994), a performance for which she was nominated for a Golden Globe Award for Best Supporting Actress. The same year she appeared in Little Women, to further acclaim.… Read More related links The Wild And Sometimes Frightening World Of âPunkâdâ Huffington Post - 3 days ago ' \n Serena Williams almost started to cry as she drove the Ford SUV through traffic at speeds approaching 100 miles per hour. \n Her voice shook as she spoke. It was easy to understand why. 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Simpsonâ with 22 noms.Â \n Yes, tonight is the night when all your favorite shows and stars will battle it out live from the Microsoft Theater in Downtown Los Angeles. Though we are fairly certain âGoTâ will dominate in the Outstanding Drama catego... Learn about the memorable moments in the evolution of Kirsten Dunst. CHILDHOOD 1982 Birth Born on April 30, 1982. TEENAGE Show Less In 1993, her parents separated, and she subsequently moved with her mother and brother to Los Angeles, California, where she attended Laurel Hall School in North Hollywood and Notre Dame High School. In 1993, Dunst guest-starred on the science fiction drama Star Trek: The Next Generation in the season seven episode titled "Dark Page" as Hedril. Show Less The breakthrough role in Dunst's career came in 1994 in the romantic horror film Interview with the Vampire with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, based on Anne Rice's novel, in which she played Claudia, the child vampire who is a surrogate daughter to Cruise and Pitt's characters. … Read More The film received ambivalent reviews, but many film critics complimented Dunst's performance. Roger Ebert commented that Dunst's creation of the child vampire Claudia was one of the "creepier" aspects of the film, and mentioned her ability to convey the impression of great age inside apparent youth.<br /><br /> Todd McCarthy in Variety noted that Dunst was "just right" for the family. The film featured a scene in which Dunst shared her first on-screen kiss with Pitt, who was nineteen years older than her.<br /><br /> In an interview with Interview magazine, she revealed, while questioned about her kissing scene with Pitt, that kissing him had made her feel uncomfortable: "I thought it was gross, that Brad had cooties. I mean, I was 10." Her performance earned her the MTV Movie Award for Best Breakthrough Performance, the Saturn Award for Best Young Actress, and her first Golden Globe Award nomination. Read Less Later in 1994, Dunst co-starred in the drama film Little Women opposite Winona Ryder and Claire Danes. … Read More The film received favorable reviews. Critic Janet Maslin of The New York Times wrote that the film was the greatest adaptation of the novel and remarked on Dunst's performance, "The perfect contrast to take-charge Jo comes from Kirsten Dunst's scene-stealing Amy, whose vanity and twinkling mischief make so much more sense coming from an 11-year-old vixen than they did from grown-up Joan Bennett in 1933. Ms. Dunst, also scarily effective as the baby bloodsucker of Interview With the Vampire, is a little vamp with a big future." Read Less Show Less In 1995, her mother filed for divorce. … Read More After graduating from Notre Dame in 2000, Dunst continued the acting career that she had begun. As a teenager, she found it difficult to deal with her rising fame, and for a period she blamed her mother for pushing her into acting as a child. However, she later expressed that her mother "always had the best intentions". When asked if she had any regrets about the way she spent her childhood, Dunst said: "Well, it's not a natural way to grow up, but it's the way I grew up and I wouldn't change it. I have my stuff to work out... I don't think anybody can sit around and say, 'My life is more screwed up than yours.' Everybody has their issues."<br /><br /> Dunst began her career when she was three years old as a child fashion model in television commercials. She was signed with Ford Models and Elite Model Management. Read Less In 1995, Dunst co-starred in the fantasy adventure film Jumanji, loosely based on Chris Van Allsburg's 1981 book of the same name. … Read More The story is about a supernatural and ominous board game which makes animals and other jungle hazards appear upon each roll of the dice. She was part of an ensemble cast that included Robin Williams, Bonnie Hunt and David Alan Grier. The movie grossed $262 million worldwide. That year, and again in 2002, she was named one of People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People. Read Less 1996 14 Years Old From 1996 to 1997, Dunst had a recurring role in the third season of the NBC medical drama ER. … Read More She played Charlie Chiemingo, a child prostitute taken under the guidance of the pediatrician Dr. Doug Ross, played by George Clooney. Read Less Show Less For her work, she won the Best Actress Silver OmbÃº category award at the 2002 Mar del Plata Film Festival. In 2002, Dunst co-starred opposite Tobey Maguire in the superhero film Spider-Man, the most financially successful film of her career to date. … Read More She played Mary Jane Watson, the best friend and love interest of Peter Parker (Maguire). The film was directed by Sam Raimi. Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly remarked on Dunst's ability to "lend even the smallest line a tickle of flirtatious music." In the Los Angeles Times review, critic Kenneth Turan noted that Dunst and Maguire made a real connection on screen, concluding that their relationship "involved audiences to an extent rarely seen in films." Spider-Man was a commercial and critical success. The movie grossed $114 million during its opening weekend in North America and went on to earn $822 million worldwide.<br /><br /> Following the success of Spider-Man, Dunst co-starred in Ed Solomon's drama film Levity (2003). That same year she co-starred opposite Julia Roberts, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Julia Stiles in the drama film Mona Lisa Smile (2003). The film generated mostly negative reviews, with Manohla Dargis of the Los Angeles Times describing it as "smug and reductive." She co-starred opposite Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, and Tom Wilkinson in Michel Gondry's science fiction romantic drama Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) as Mary Svevo. The latter film received very positive reviews, with Entertainment Weekly describing Dunst's subplot as "nifty and clever." The movie grossed $72 million worldwide. Read Less Show Less Nonetheless, with a total worldwide gross of $891 million, it stands as the most commercially successful film in the series and Dunst's highest-grossing film to the end of 2008. … Read More Having initially signed on for three Spider-Man films, she revealed that she would do a fourth, but only if Raimi and Maguire also returned. In January 2010, it was announced that the fourth film was cancelled and that the Spider-Man film series would be restarted, and therefore dropping Dunst, Maguire, and Raimi from the franchise. Read Less In 2008, Dunst co-starred opposite Simon Pegg in the comedy film How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, an adaptation of the memoir of the same name by former Vanity Fair contributing editor Toby Young. Four years later, she supported Democrat Barack Obama for the 2008 presidential election. … Read More Dunst revealed that she supported Obama "from the beginning" of the presidential campaign. In support of this, she directed and narrated a documentary entitled Why Tuesday, explaining the United States tradition of voting on Tuesdays. Dunst explained that Tuesday is "not a holiday, and the United States is one of the lowest democratic countries in voter turnout." She felt it important to "influence people in a positive way" to vote on November 4, 2008.<br /><br /> She works with the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, for which she helped design and promote a necklace whose sales proceeds went to the Foundation. She worked in breast cancer awareness, participating in the Stand Up to Cancer telethon in September 2008 to raise funds for cancer research. On December 5, 2009, she participated in the TeletÃ³n in Mexico, to raise funds for cancer treatment and children's rehabilitation. Read Less 2010 28 Years Old Dunst made her screenwriting and directorial debut with the short film Bastard which premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival in 2010, and was later featured at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival. … Read More Dunst co-starred opposite Ryan Gosling in the mystery drama All Good Things (2010), based on a true story as the wife of Gosling's character from a run-down neighborhood who goes missing. The feature received reasonable reviews, and earned $640,000 worldwide. Dunst co-starred with Brian Geraghty in Carlos CuarÃ³n's short film The Second Bakery Attack, an adaptation of Haruki Murakami's short story of the same name. Read Less	i don't know
What is the name of the electronic game which has four coloured buttons, which light up in random order, each producing it’s own tune when pressed, or activated by the device?	Zero Punctuation - Wikiquote Zero Punctuation Zero Punctuation is a series of video game reviews done by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw , originally on YouTube, and later for The Escapist Magazine . Contents Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff [ edit ] Nariko then turns to some...thing sitting vacantly nearby, wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a Kiss fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, "We may need you to play twing-twang." My first thought when I heard that was, "I am so going to quote that out of context," but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I'd consider buying the full game just to see what "twing-twang" is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus (yeah, I went there). Part of me feels that, from an artistic standpoint, there may be some merit in RE5 because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving; and forcing the player to do something that they find distasteful as well as frightening is a rather groundbreaking method of doing that. But then again, this is Resident Evil, the series that brought us "squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon"; and if there’s anything sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it’s probably a total accident. [1] Psychonauts [ edit ] One of the themes running though Schafer's humor is the juxtaposition of a mundane situation in a bizarre or fantastical setting (see: Grim Fandango), and Psychonauts continues this tradition by being set in a summer camp for psychics. The story follows the adventures of Raz, a child acrobat who, in deference to tradition, runs away from home to escape the circus rather than join it, and whose natural psychic talent allows him to insinuate himself into the camp without paying tuition fees. Shortly however, karma bites him in the ass when he finds himself embroiled in a sinister plot and having to explore strange ethereal worlds based on the subconscious minds of those around him. It's all kind of like if Tim Burton knocked up David Lynch in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and he did meth right up until the birth. [listing the good points of the game] Firstly, it's something original in an industry that seems to be built on ripping off everyone else. Secondly, it's genuinely funny, while most video games attempting humor are like unanesthetized bowel surgery. Thirdly, every single character is well-defined with their own quirks and personalities, even the tiny, unimportant bit part players that get less screen time than Christopher Lee in the last Lord of the Rings film . And lastly, it's fun. Remember that? Fun? What we used to have before gaming felt like a second job? [2] Console Rundown [ edit ] With the current generation of consoles, we've reached or nearly reached the point where graphics aren't going to get much better, so we can all stop rushing to top the last generation's technology and concentrate on making some games with actual depth. Except of course that the console wars are all ultimately futile because the best game ever, Fantasy World Dizzy for the Commodore 64, has already been made. Or maybe all of gaming is pointless, just toying with the gravel on the side of the big road of life. But hey, at least there's violence and tits! [3] BioShock [ edit ] Bioshock is billed as a spiritual successor to System Shock 2 and I'm sure System Shock 2 will be very proud of it's normal-mapped, Phong-shaded bastard child because it takes after its daddy almost to the degree of George Bush. And I know what you're going to say: "Yahtzee, you charismatic stallion: What kind of complaint is that? System Shock 2 was brilliant, and any game that's in any way like it should be equally good." But that's the thing: It isn't like System Shock 2, it is System Shock 2. Oh sure, it looks different and it differs in the fine detailing and the character names are changed and shit. But once you strip all that out, the bad guy might as well just be SHODAN with a waistcoat and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. But there are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then. [4] Tomb Raider Anniversary [ edit ] The combat's also been upgraded for modern times, and by that I mean they've chucked in the tired old God of War/Simon Says button mashing sequences which every action game has to have now by law. And someone on the design team (you know who you are) thought it would be a great idea to have the player constantly press R1 to fire repeatedly rather than just hold it down. But the R1 button is not positioned for comfortable mashing and when you go up against enemies who can take ten million bullets before dying (like say, for example, most of them) then your fingers cramp up like you're playing Guitar Hero but without the nebbish rock star fantasy. [helping game publishers find ideas] Here's one: A genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS. [5] Manhunt [ edit ] Let's get something straight, all right, third-person action game developers? Left analog stick for movement; right analog stick to rotate camera around player. How is it that, when you see something that works perfectly well, you immediately decide to try and improve it and cock the whole thing up? In Manhunt, the right analog stick changes to the first person camera, which may seem reasonable in theory, but it means that, when you're hiding and trying to see a nearby guard patrolling behind you, you nudge the stick and end up staring at a brick wall. And half the time when you've finally wrestled the camera into the right angle, you'll see the guard has patrolled right up to you and has now shived you in the bollocks. But I seriously don't know whose side to be on when it comes to the debate of whether games like Manhunt mess with the heads of underaged, impressionable thickies. There's a very clear certification indicating that twelve-year-olds aren't supposed to be playing it, but there's no denying that they play it anyway because no one other than twelve-year-olds are into this sort of thing. Gushing breathlessly about garrote wire decapitation and baseball bat cranial explosion is a good way to win friends in middle school; but around the office water cooler, it's a good way to lose them. [6] Peggle [ edit ] What I can say about it is that I started playing it around noon and emerged from my room sometime later to find that the authorities had declared me legally dead. If the whole "casual gaming" thing has slipped you by, then allow me hold your face under the putrescent waters of knowledge. At some point in the recent past, someone noticed that simple Flash-based 2D colour-matching games like Bejeweled were making, frankly, embarrassing amounts of dosh; and the reason for this is that, as time has gone by, bored housewives stuck at home have all independently decided that shagging the TV repairman is no longer appropriate and have turned to video games to amuse themselves instead. In summary it's okay, I guess. I preferred Bookworm Adventures, but then I'm one of those hopeless mutants who genuinely enjoys playing Scrabble. That's it. That's about as far as I can review Peggle because that's the entire extent of the game. I don't know what Pop Cap's mission statement is, but I'm betting that it's something along the lines of, "Use pretty sparkly lights, encouraging sound effects, and as few gameplay elements as possible to make the gaming equivalent of premium crack cocaine." And it seems to be working for them because they are now worth umpteen millions. Millions! They exclusively make cheapo 2D games! What the hell do they spend all that money on? Ice cream? [7] Halo 3 [ edit ] The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my arse until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound, cross-eyed hobbit and you’re armed with the BFG 9000. But really, I don't know what I hope to achieve with all this. Halo 3's already more popular than God and nothing I can say is going to stop Microsoft making enough money to buy Switzerland and reinforce the notion that all gamers want is brightly colored dross with the depth of a spoon. So if in the future we all find ourselves playing "Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure" in what moments we can spare between toiling in the Microsoft overmind's off-world mining complex, then I want you to know that I fucking called it. [8] Tabula Rasa [ edit ] Tabula Rasa is a Latin term meaning "blank slate" and generally refers to the school of thought stating that humans are born with no inherent programming. For example, Richard Garriot is an utterly demented game designer who wears a crown and insists that people call him Lord British. But was he born with the galloping crazies, or was it a lack of appropriate social contact that caused him to descend permanently into an insane fantasy world? Talking about removing grind from MMOs is all very well until you think about it, because grind is the only thing that keeps people playing MMOs for so long and removing it would be like removing the crazy from Richard Garriot. Besides, every MMO so far has grind right up the bum and it doesn't seem to stop people playing them. Some people just like that sort of thing, I guess. Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad. [9] The Orange Box [ edit ] (On Half-Life 2: Episode Two ) Episode 2 does suffer a little from being the middle child. There's no real beginning and no real end, so the story tends to meander around and it's difficult to shake the feeling that we're just killing time before the next episode wraps it all up. A new character is brought in without warning and everyone acts like we've always known him. It's actually quite perplexing. Valve have done a great job making us empathize with all the major NPCs so far, so being introduced to a new one at this late stage is like coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the family dinner table and you're the only one who seems to notice. (On Team Fortress 2 ) ...For all its insubstantiality, it's incredibly well-balanced now. There's a role for everyone regardless of what sort of game you like. The Heavy for uncomplicated damage-soaking thickies; The Spy for your backstabbing stealth game dirtbag; and The Sniper for people who like point-and-click adventure games. Although, admittedly, the only puzzle is, "Use gun on man." (On Portal ) ...If you're a regular viewer, you'll understand how insane these words feel coming out of my mouth, but I can't think of any criticism for it. I'm serious! This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece! I went in expecting a slew of interesting portal-based puzzles and that's exactly what I got, but what I wasn't expecting was some of the funniest pitch-black humor I've ever heard in a game. Okay, it's only two to three hours long, but that's a good length for it - it means it doesn't outstay its welcome and it narrows the gap between you and the balls-tighteningly fantastic ending. Absolutely sub lime from start to finish, and I will jam forks into my eyes if I ever use those words to describe anything else ever again! Yeah, I know it's not very funny to love a game, but fuck you! Portal's great, and if you don't think so you must be stupid! [10] Super Paper Mario [ edit ] During the second chapter, Mario is required to work and earn money to pay for some of the mindless vandalism that comes naturally to action RPG players. And the best way to do this is to press "right" to run around in a giant hamster wheel for -- no joke -- somewhere around a quarter of an hour. That's if you're thick. If you're smart (like me), you weigh down the D-pad with one of your roommate's figurines and go off to amuse yourself. That's right. You have to amuse yourself while playing a game -- a game being something ostensibly designed to amuse. And if the player is doing this, then something has clearly gone wrong. [11] MOH Airborne [ edit ] The Medal of Honor series has been going on since 1999, meaning that it has officially been going on longer than the actual second World War did. And if you put together all the games, films, and TV shows that have depicted it, the Normandy landings alone probably lasted somewhere within the region of six months. So why does the US have such a fascination about a time that everyone else would rather just forget about and move on? Well, probably because that was the last war in which they did any good, when they had a clear win over an unambiguously evil villain who posed a genuine threat -- rather than any of these wishy-washy recent wars where they just run in, stomp all over a developing nation, and run out again declaring victory around the time the population have to start eating their own dead. As evil as the real Nazis were, it seems they weren't evil enough for the developers, and so the accuracy's a little bit skewed against them. And then it's skewed a little bit more. And then it's put in a thumbscrew until it resembles a slinky. I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure there wasn't an elite branch of stormtroopers who wore gas masks, wielded miniguns, and could take three sniper bullets to the forehead before they died. And I'm also pretty sure the Nazis didn't have a gigantic armored concrete tower that can only be described as a doom fortress. [11] Zelda Phantom Hourglass [ edit ] A world without Nintendo would be a far bleaker one than this, and yet there's something about them I find incredibly infuriating. They've got roughly enough money to buy Earth and all the heavens, and a fanbase so devoted and rabid that they could release a game about a sewage-encrusted rapist and it would still sell like billy-oh. And while they sit in this position that many game developers worldwide with slews of new and interesting game concepts would happily hack off their wedding tackle to occupy, all they do is constantly remake the same games! Okay, so sometimes you've got an ocarina , and sometimes you're in a boat , and sometimes you're a werewolf having repulsive erotica drawn about you by people on DeviantArt ; but pick any one of the ninety billion Zelda games there have been so far and odds are good you'll always be the same bloody guy saving the same bloody girl with the same bloody boomerang. For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoe-horning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about (which, I remind you, is what handhelds are for) would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation. [12] Clive Barker's Jericho [ edit ] The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again! Maybe some of this could be forgiven if the seven main characters weren't all completely unlikeable. There's so much black leather on display, it's like someone took the goth clique from a small town high school, pinned them down in front of a 24-hour Rambo marathon, then smacked them brutally around the head with a baseball bat made out of frozen stupid. [13] F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate [ edit ] Every now and again, F.E.A.R. remembers that it wants to be a horror game, too, and makes the lights flicker or throws down a random bloodstain like there's someone with the world's most copious nosebleed about fifty yards ahead of you. But I have to admit, when the game does descend into sheer balls-to-the-wall mindfuckery for a few minutes, it's the only time the experience really comes alive for me. I'm running down a corridor when the lights come down and then I'm in another different corridor, only now there's a blurry filter on my vision and I can hear what sounds like a moose being strangled in a tin bath. Awesome! I open a door and it vanishes into nothing and now there's a door on the ceiling. Sweet! There's a corpse at the end of the hall but as I get closer it jumps up and yells at me like everything's my fault. Finally I'm having a good time! Then everything simmers down and you return to boring predictable normality, wishing you were back in the nightmare. I guess if you're a huge fan of F.E.A.R., and I mean huge, like, if you play it twice a day and you have Jason Hall's face stenciled onto your toilet seat, and if you've got a love of repetitive tactical combat that borders on the fetishistic, and if you really badly need to know what happens next to the faceless characterless protagonist of the ongoing storyline, then I heartily recommend Perseus Mandate. Maybe you can play it while you hang around the labyrinth with Theseus, because you're obviously a nonexistent creature of myth. [14] Assassin's Creed [ edit ] Another good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians, and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds. Those wacky, fun-loving lepers have this hilarious tendency to shove you with all their retard strength and send you flying ye olde mosh-pit style, which I feel makes me well within my rights to lamp them one; but then everyone turns against you because apparently it's not as funny when you do it. And then there are the beggar women who will latch on to you like a lamprey eel and constantly run in front of you whining for coins in a manner scientifically designed to get on my tits. Then I give them a gentle, discouraging knuckle sandwich , and they run off yelling like I'm the asshole. It hits particularly close to home for me, because this is pretty much how all my relationships turn out. First you have to walk all the way down from your home base at the top of a fucking mountain at the start of every fucking mission. Then you have to make your way through the target city (pausing occasionally to nut the lepers Glaswegian-style). Then you're forced to do a few errands around the place which are basically the same three side quests over and over again. And when you do finally get to stab someone up, it's all bookended by long wordy unskipable cutscenes. Even after the stabbing, you have to sit through a prolonged conversation with the victim. You'd think having a spike shoved in to the throat would impede one's ability to soliloquize, but you just can't shut these twatmouths up! [15] Guitar Hero III [ edit ] Don't believe the lie of Guitar Hero Three. It's actually the fourth title in the series, the third being Rock the 80's, which I haven't played, but the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end out of my ass, and floss myself to death. Then I got to the last venue and the last group of songs on hard mode and came to a screeching halt because they are fucking impossible. NO. STOP. Do not reach for your e-mail client; I do not want to hear about how you five-starred "Blood Rain" on Expert, because if you did, you are a fucking freak, a freak with either three arms or a trained pet spider working the buttons for you! [16] Mass Effect [ edit ] People often say to me, "Yahtzee, you callipygian superman: How can you, a game writer yourself, complain about a game having too much dialogue?" I would reply, "For the same reason that a hairdresser is entitled to complain when someone fills their car with shampoo." Mass Effect is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it. [17] Super Mario Galaxy [ edit ] But don't be fooled; this is your standard fill-in-the-blanks framework. Mario's hateful emotionally retarded ball-and-chain has been kidnapped again, but before you can do the rescue you have to collect a whole bunch of stars - and it is always stars for some utterly arbitrary reason. And in the end, Mario succeeds in rescuing the needy bitch who once again fails to put out, although frankly I've given up expecting any kind of actual human intelligent reaction from that clueless bint. Initially, Mario Galaxy gets an easy ride because it has to be inevitably compared to Mario Sunshine, the last "proper" Mario game (disregarding all that spin-off bullshit). And you could transplant the head of Joseph Goebbels on to the body of a praying mantis and it would still compare favorably to Mario Sunshine. [18] Silent Hill Origins [ edit ] ...You have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. Time's up. That's what I thought. There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate . To me, the Silent Hill series is over. And if Silent Hill 5 convinces me otherwise, then I will remove three of my own vertebrae, curl my spine back, and eat my own arse. [19] Crysis [ edit ] Of course, with amazing graphics comes the inhumane treatment of processors. Crysis is apparently designed for some kind of hypothetical future computer from space. I played it on a brand new gaming PC resembling the monolith from 2001 , constructed from magical obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth. And it still chugged when things got busy. ...There is one section towards the end where you're forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and... well, imagine that you'd just woken from a 20-year-coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopotami. That's what controlling this section is like. And they expect you to enter dogfights in this thing. That's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your elbows. [20] The Witcher [ edit ] There's your inventory screen, your character screen, your alchemy screen, your glossary, your quests, your map, you have to switch between combat mode and stand-around-picking-your-nose-while-enemies-carve-you-like-turducken mode. And once you're in combat mode, do you fight in strong, fast, or group style? And if you'll be wanting to mix potions, then I hope you've gone through the necessary eight week correspondence course. If disliking this sort of shit makes me stupid, then call me "Retard McSpackypants". But I'd rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind. As I progressed through the starting village a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless drudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a mumorpuger! A single-player mumorpuger with no Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse, but a mumopurger nonetheless. [21] Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles [ edit ] Part of Resident Evil's charm is that it still takes itself seriously, despite having the most atrociously written story and dialogue of any product of human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one too many clotheslines to the head and decided he could act. It's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. "I have a bad feeling about this," announces Jill Valentine after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced. "Where did all these webs come from?" wonders Chris Redfield aloud whilst staring directly at a giant spider. And then there's the recurring series baddie and backstabbing enthusiast Albert Wesker, whose every line of dialog is solid gold because he sounds like Lloyd Grossman with throat cancer. [22] Call of Duty 4 [ edit ] [with disdainful sarcasm throughout] Never let it be said that I'm an impressionable twenty-something-gaming-media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth; so for the most part I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it is simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs (which was the case with Call of Duty 4). This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker and brace yourself for a shock because it deserves the praise it gets. ...Mostly. I was surprised because I have this presumption about "serieses" like Call of Duty and Medal of Honor being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism time-locked Bill-Murray-style somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand and scoffing apple pie with the other. Call of Duty 4, conversely,is set in the present day which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turns out to be right on the money it's executed in a very compelling way. The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country that tactfully goes unnamed (undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a water slide park by the time time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchly between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The U.S. Marines posted in "Unspecifiedistan" whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the ends of their massive erections while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like cockney weasels. These changes in perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective however you have to apply them and to balance the unentertaining seriousness of this sentence: "Boingo boingo whoopsy knickers." What I like about Call of Duty 4 is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white "My Country 'Tis of Thee" jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the U.S. Marines act with short-sighted self-righteousness convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them screwing the pooch so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream. [23] All you need to know is this. There are two kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago. And Call of Duty 4 is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like - well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane and land anus-first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral! [24] SimCity Societies [ edit ] It's an idea that many people seem to latch on to that, if we were created by some kind of god, then obviously he did it because he loves us so huggy-muggy-much. Never are the holes in this theory more obvious than while playing god games: because it seems that when you place most people in the position of a god and give them responsibility over many tiny lesser beings, then their attitude towards them is usually less about beloved children and more about target practice. I set out to make a brutal authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like Thought Police Headquarters, and all the venues were propaganda theatres, and most of the gormless fuckers were still content or elated. Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started! [25] Yahtzee Goes to GDC [ edit ] All games are about realizing a fantasy, whether it be the fantasy of being a courageous war hero, or the fantasy of being a future space adventurer, or, in the case of some Japanese games, the fantasy of possessing eight prehensile dicks. [26] Uncharted: Drake's Fortune [ edit ] Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys: a stream of assorted blacks; Asians; and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like "the bad guy dies." You play Nathan "Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon" Drake as he scavenger-hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome, initially hostile blonde love interest, and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a T-shirt saying, "I will die or turn evil." I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is; it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous games. Even the story has been nicked bodily from at least five adventure movies that I can think of -- seven if you let me count all the Indiana Jones films. [27] Devil May Cry 4 [ edit ] ...It would be fair to say there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them but, thanks to Capcom, I don't have to - now I can just point to Devil May Cry 4 and say, "Pretty much that." Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some spectacle-adjusting model railroad enthusiast who cannot function without absolute realism at all times. Leaping eight times your own height, swinging swords the size of small cars around, and deflecting bullets with other bullets are all fine with me as long as it's entertaining. I'll even accept that getting a seven-foot katana jammed through your torso is totally survivable, if a bit homoerotic. A game starts widdling on my chips, however, when it populates itself with smug self-satisfied dick-spurts and starts neglecting gameplay because it's too busy letting them swagger invincibly about until I want to flatten their androgynous faces with a kayak paddle! But the lone shiny gold star I stick on for the combat is almost immediately torn off for some truly obnoxious level design. Jumping puzzles? Fine. Timed jumping puzzles? Fair enough. Timed jumping puzzles with fixed cameras? Now we've dropped into the ocean of shittiness. But then they hit us with a timed jumping puzzle with a fixed camera where enemies spawn in every time you fail. And now the ocean of shittiness has closed in over our heads with no rescue boat in sight. [28] Burnout Paradise [ edit ] People often ask me, "Yahtzee, you herculean exemplar: You have so much to say about what makes a bad game , but what is your measure of a good game ?" Well, actually, no one's ever asked me that. Mostly they ask retarded questions like when am I going to review 20-year-old Nintendo games like everyone and their dog . But it's the kind of question I'd like to be asked, so I'm going to answer it. One of my measures of a good game is one that teaches me something. Burnout Paradise, for example, teaches me that if Princess Diana honestly couldn't survive a trivial little crash like that, then the girl must have been made out of wafers. (discussing the game's open world:) My point is, that the reason why racing games traditionally feature closed circuit tracks is that the fun in a street racing game comes from driving really fast and breaking things. That's a winning formula. Then you throw map reading skills into it and it's the metaphorical shot of Baileys, overpowering all the other flavors. [29] Turok [ edit ] I'm actually rather glad that a really, unequivocally bad FPS has been shat out in front of me because there are a lot of problems with first-person shooters these days and Turok plays like an itemized list of them. So rather than do what I usually do (i.e. crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises), let's instead use Turok as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first-person shooters keep persistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them. Then maybe I can persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom. When you consider that the original Turok games were about a time-traveling red Indian, this new installment has had to really work hard to rip off Aliens . They had to lock the established setting and storyline in a wardrobe and throw it off a cliff. They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good. And that's sort of admirable, I guess, in a retarded kind of way. Most of these problems with modern FPSes can be explained with four words: "Let's be like Halo." But I remember a time when FPSes didn't all march in step behind that inexplicably popular festival of mediocrity, when FPSes weren't all about soldiers or space marines, when they could be about undead cowboys , or backwoods pig-rapists , or wise-cracking misogynistic wankers . I remember a time when FPSes had a sense of humor about themselves and could have colours other than gunmetal gray and dogshit brown. I remember titles like Exhumed and Chasm and Witchhaven II — though on reflection, I'd rather forget about them. [30] Zack and Wiki [ edit ] Long ago in the mists of time, when main characters didn't need to have biceps bigger then their faces and when bump mapping was just something cartographers did to their wives, there lived adventure games. This shy, thoughtful tribe was known for its great story telling tradition and ruled the great PC gaming plains for many years before mysteriously dying out around the onset of the Quake era. Some blame the aggressive expansion of neighboring first-person shooter tribes; but personally I think it's more to do with the fact that most of them were shit . [31] Army of Two [ edit ] We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses who make tons more money and like it rough from men with hairy bums — NO! Bad Yahtzee! I meant to say: and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except that it's you giving out the candy, and the candy is bullets. Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated hold-out position that I gave him a boostie up to as part of a cunning higher ground strategy. But since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse. But since there was now no one to give me a boostie up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal. It's repetitive and broken and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play Gears of War with one hand and Splinter Cell with the other, then you don't need to play Army of Two. And make sure you film it because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there. [32] No More Heroes [ edit ] [ Suda 51 's] last game was killer7 , and let's get one thing straight: I fucking loved killer7! There we were, living our gray, predictable lives, playing our gray, predictable games when along came killer7 in a technicolour dream coat, leaving slightly perplexed joy in the wake of its huge motorbike, showing exactly what could be done when you flaunt [sic] all established convention and just start exploring what can really be done with gaming as an art form. I still don't know how to classify it: puzzle, action/adventure, rail shooter... well, whatever it was, it was a preciously unique amusing cartoon whale in an ocean of second-hand bong water. Now we have No More Heroes, a Grand Theft Auto clone. "Shine on you crazy diamond," said Yahtzee, his voice thick like sarcastic Marmite . So, I'll say the same thing about No More Heroes that I say about Killer 7, Earthbound, and Branston pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston pickle onto No More Heroes, possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome! [33] Condemned 2: Bloodshot [ edit ] There's a final boss sequence in Condemned 1 in which you run through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth with a serial killer in hot pursuit. It's really intense and genuinely terrifying, and part of what makes it so effective is that it takes place in a normal house, exactly like, oh say for example, YOURS! Right down to the psychotic serial killer who lives under your bed and is standing behind you right now but don't look because that'll really piss him off! Condemned 2, by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the Combine would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. I wish I was fucking kidding. [34] Super Smash Bros. Brawl [ edit ] As I've said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it'll take is a few more Virtual Boys and they'll wank the whole company away! Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the fuck is Marth , and why is unlocking him considered a reward? Oh and thanks, Nintendo, for putting in a character from Mother 3 , a game you're never going to fucking release outside Japan despite the fact I can fucking guarantee that more people would play it than Mario Kart Eleventy Billion: The Next Generation! [35] God of War: Chains of Olympus [ edit ] Chains of Olympus is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the God of War series, a bunch of games that combine an, at best, loose understanding of Greek mythology with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between excessive and completely off its tits. [36] Around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it "The 'Fuck You' Button." Mailbag Showdown[ edit ] It’s true, I didn’t like Brawl before I even started playing; but then the same is true of every game, object, animal and human being I encounter these days. Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it’s been a lot easier to just assume everything’s shit until it can prove itself otherwise. I like to call it the "Guantanamo Bay" approach to reviewing. [37] Grand Theft Auto IV [ edit ] About a million years ago, a company called DMA Design created Grand Theft Auto and discovered that the combination of controversy, wacky humor, and vehicular homicide was a lucrative one indeed. So they made a whole bunch of sequels, threw some TVs out of some hotel windows, and changed their name to "Rockstar" , in a slightly over-compensatory effort to make us forget that they made Lemmings. Not that there was anything wrong with Lemmings, at least not until the franchise was rigorously milked to it's last sour lumpy dribbles. Once you inevitably grow tired of the sandbox mayhem and start on the mission paths, you'll find that GTA4 is initially about as fast-paced as a Jacob Bronowski documentary playing at half speed. The first hundredweight of missions are virtually all tutorials, which highlights the inherent problem with incorporating so many different gameplay elements that you need to spend half the game explaining the bloody things! You have to learn how to drive cars, how to drive trucks, how to drive geese, how to use your phone, TV, internet, how to fist fight, how to gunfight, how to shoot from cover, how to shoot from the back of a giant tyrannosaurus... [38] Painkiller [ edit ] The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine-gun, rocket-launcher, overpowered-exotic-thing-that-you-never get-ammo-for-and-only-use-in-boss-fights-anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie Braindead. (That's Dead-Alive if you're American and fat.) As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; it shoots shurikens and lightning! It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire. So that's Painkiller, more proof that the best way blow off steam is to blow off someone's natches. [39] The World Ends With You [ edit ] A major thing that turns me off JRPGs, and a lot of games in general , is when I don't feel that I, as a player, am contributing anything to the story. All I ever seem to do is wheel the characters from one whingy boring dialogue to the next. Events are driven by their actions, not mine. All I am is a little angry id who takes over for the combat, spending the rest of the time jumping up and down in the back of the main character's mind yanking on nerve endings, trying to make him stop acting like a pillock. What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs the story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought-iron fence made of tigers. Is TWEWY a good J-RPG? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm on the edge of a frightening world I don't understand, treading water on the surface of a deep, deep lake full of weird-smelling creatures with completely alien concepts of fun and a tolerance for boredom to rival the Man in the Iron Mask. [40] Oblivion [ edit ] You know me; I'm a twitchy, instant-gratification kind of gamer. The sort who isn't happy unless there's a gun the size of a motorbike in his hands and a severed alien willy bouncing off the front of his space helmet. But every now and again, the planets will align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a J-RPG, God no; it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ. But a western RPG, something with goblins and swords and men in loin clothes going on about wenches. In Oblivion, you start off in a dungeon in the imperial palace. You're never told what crime you committed; I guess you're supposed to fill in that blank for yourself. So I choose to believe I was in there for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter at the same time while playing a rock guitar solo on the desecrated corpse of God. Anyway, then the Emperor showed up (played by Captain Picard ) and I have to say I liked him a lot. He was the only character who actually seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG. He took one look at me, noticed the camera floating behind my head and said, "Oh, bugger. You're the protagonist; guess I have to die now." And die he did. For a game that is obviously trying so hard, Oblivion is one of the least immersive RPGs I've ever played. The world map is huge, granted. If you intend to walk from one end to the other, you'd better pack a few sandwiches. But frankly, take one good look around the moment you first emerge blinking into the daylight and you've pretty much seen everything. It's like they took 200 square yards of medieval English countryside, added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. [41] Haze [ edit ] I think it's safe to say that very few people were madly trampling babies underfoot to grab Haze on launch day - I know whatever atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first-person shooter about space marines. "Whoop-de-fucking-doo," I thought. "I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate." But then up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a cornetto every time I pass a 7-11. "Shame on you, Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw!" spake he. "Have you forgotten Call of Duty 4 already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you're no better than those dipshits who never played Mass Effect but condemned it as some kind of child-corrupting boobstravaganza ." The overall message of Haze's story is that WAR IS BAD! And that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with "whiz bang shooty fun" strikes me as trying to have one's cake and eat it -- a phrase I never really understood, I mean I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There's not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you're a stripper... Sorry, lost my train of thought. If you have a liking for Halo, a crippling fear of trying new things, and a desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast, then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then, you might as well buy Haze, you mad bastard. Metal Gear Solid 4 [ edit ] I'm going to recount as much of the story as I can before my brain starts to hurt: Solid Snake is a cloned mercenary who is suffering from premature aging due to a planned obsolescence scheme worthy of Microsoft. He lives with his support character (and "best friend") Otacon, and the two of them have adopted a child together. (That oozing sound you just heard was made by all the world's homoerotic fan fiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk.) Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother , who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of - OH CHRIST, I can't go on; this shit is bananas! Play the games themselves if you want to know what's going on, although I can't guarantee that that will be enough - to truly get into the mindset of Hideo Kojima , you'll have to do something pretty drastic, probably involving experimental brain surgery and a complete X-Files box set. Somebody once said that a politician is a person who can talk for hours and never actually say anything. If that's true, Hideo Kojima could run for government and be emperor of the universe by mid-afternoon. Webcomics [ edit ] Drama is the mortar that holds the webcomic community together, and there are so many wonderful ways to create it. Make absolutely no effort to improve your horrible drawing style, act like a prick at a convention, respond to constructive criticism with hostility, and just generally behave like the kind of monstrous egotist that blossom like mushrooms in the darkened trough of shit that is the Internet. [44] Lego Indiana Jones [ edit ] I've been ignoring the whole Lego-LucasArts coalition so far, partly because, as you'll recall from my Psychonauts review, LucasArts is run by douchebags, but mainly because it sounds utterly retarded on paper. I mean, once you accept Lego Star Wars , where does it end? Playmobil Battlestar Galactica? Duplo Firefly? Meccano Dune? Yeah, I'm done milking that joke. I guess at first I've-- Wait! I've got another one! Stickle Bricks Babylon 5? ...Sorry. There's this undercurrent of parody about the whole experience which I find rather cathartic. I guess it's because we're taking a film series which prided itself in unexpectedly traumatizing me as a child and totally emasculating it, like if there were a puppet show version of The Ring . [45] Alone in the Dark [ edit ] I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark, what with it apparently being the latest in a long line of "worst games evaar" and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondents' families judging by the way they tearfully e-mail me requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well, I thought, "Fuck those bereaved bastards who think I'm some kind of sweary ninja for hire. I'm gonna play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it." A few days have passed since then, and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes even the majority can be totally, totally right. What's tragic is that the Good Ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game without a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidentally landed at the Cock-Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution, which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad. "Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself. [46] Age of Conan [ edit ] Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate mumorpugers . I hate what they do to people, turning them into nocturnal blobs of flesh and Cheetos that communicate entirely in mouth-breathing; and I hate when I look back on my time with a mumorpuger and realize that I just flushed away months of my life that I could have spent writing a bestselling book, or raising a child, or pounding nails into my face. But I have had fun with mumorpugers at the time, or rather a mumorpuger , and since comparison is going to be inevitable, let's just get the fucker over with: Age of Conan is not World of Warcraft. Some people might say, "Ooh, maybe it's not trying to be," but those people are going to Hell for lying because all MMOs are trying to be World of Warcraft: same controls, same terminology, same arduous blocks of motherfucking grind, same interfaces right down to the quest-givers with big golden exclamations marks growing out of their heads like they just spotted Solid Snake shuffling through the undergrowth. There's nothing wrong with being a small part of something bigger than yourself. That's how an MMO should work -- solidarity, teamwork, joining forty friends to go stomp on a night elf's face. Age of Conan makes the same mistake as the school system by telling everyone that they're special, thus turning them into entitled twatdonkeys. The E3 Trailer Park [ edit ] I'd like to clarify that somewhere in the flinty pits of my petrified heart I'm open to the possibility of all these games potentially being fun (except for Final Fantasy 13 obviously). But my intention is not to troll for once but to argue that it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. After all, if the game's good, great! But if it's bad you've lost nothing, plus you get the satisfaction of knowing you're cleverer than fanboys, which is right up there with winning a beauty contest against Steve Buscemi but still, it's a good overall rule: never let yourself get excited by trailers, unless it's the one for the new Watchmen movie. Oh yes, I can never get enough big glowing blue men with their celestial lads hanging out! [48] Ninja Gaiden 2 [ edit ] But frankly, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among Japanese games , Ninja Gaiden II is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that Metal Gear Solid bullshit of cutscene dialogues that could fill a modest paperback. None of that Devil May Cry cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that Zelda ... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going Yah! [49] Prince of Persia Retrospective [ edit ] Between them, the three Sands of Time games have the ingredients of probably the best game ever, and I don't say that lightly. The first game still very resolutely sits in my top five games of all time , but it could have been better. Like a variant of the uncanny valley effect , the closer a game gets to Portal perfection, the more glaring the flaws become, and their attempts to correct those flaws in the sequels were akin to removing flecks of dirt from a birthday cake with a shovel. But we live and learn, so let's move on and hope the new Prince of Persia will be as good as Sands of Time. And that my ass will sprout wings and fly me into space! [50] Soul Calibur IV [ edit ] I don't really understand fighting games. I don't hate them, but I've never frosted my pants over any of them, either. I just don't get them. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: "What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants ." But if you want to relieve stress, you take a herbal bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost ninety dollars at your local electronics retailer. There's got to be more to it than that. Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual. All you need is a picture of the "throw" button and a big arrow pointing to it. [51] Braid [ edit ] And do you know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public — especially you, Adrian! (That probably isn't your name but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.) Ye unwashed masses who ensure massive profits for the same old cookie-cutter sequels because anything that isn't safe and familiar makes you dive for your security blanket! And since you spent all Daddy's money on a next-generation console you won't even give the time of day to anything that doesn't have environment-mapped reflective surfaces and you're more interested in buying Master Chief novelty condoms than actual gameplay innovation ! In fact, I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Piss off! Close the browser and fuck off back to Gears of War ! Has he gone? Good, I hate that guy! [52] Eve Online [ edit ] The unspoken goal of exploration is to make the entire planet completely boring. Life was at its most interesting back when we still thought grass huts were a bit hoity-toity and when there could have been dragons made of raisin bread over the next hill for all we knew. Nowadays, everything's mapped out. We've even spent enough time on the moon and the very bottom of the ocean to know that: firstly, there aren't any dragons there either; and secondly, we're definitely not in a hurry to go back and double-check. Now it's only the depths of space that remain unexplored and unboring, plenty of gray area where any number of interstellar sparkle dragons could be hiding. Eve Online does the impossible by making deep space boring, and demonstrates the best way to do that is to let nerds colonize it. [53] Too Human [ edit ] I have to admit, though, the story is to be congratulated for taking the fiery, thunderous personalities of the Norse gods and somehow turning them into a bunch of boring, self-righteous, robotic twats with all the warmth and emotion of a glass of water. So you'll die. You'll die a lot. And by Christ does the game want you to know it. A valkyrie who is clearly in no fucking hurry slowly flies down, picks up your corpse, and ascends gently back into heaven as if to say, "There there, baby, it doesn't matter that you're a ten-thumbed cripple who literally can't fight to save their lives; let's get you tucked into beddy-byes." Then you respawn fifty feet away with no penalties, scratching your head in bewilderment. And this happens every time you die! You can't skip it! No one could look at this and think, "Yep, this will never get old!" The only remaining explanation is that this is some kind of test - maybe if anyone defends this on a forum, they automatically get added to the government depopulation list because their minds are clearly deviant and must be purged! [54] Spore [ edit ] If there's one thing history has taught us (besides not to piss off people called Genghis, or put lead in your water pipes), it's that if you're going to make something incredibly good that becomes frighteningly popular, make sure it's the last thing you ever make in your entire life. Because otherwise you get to spend the rest of your creative career struggling under the weight of high expectations and bricks. You also get to design your own buildings and vehicles further down the line; so if all you're after is some kind of 3D art program for eight-year-olds, Spore is definitely for you. If you're holding out for an actual game, then you get to eat shit. But never mind; you can always design a creature that looks like a huge cock and imagine it pounding you in the arse. [55] XBLA Double Bill [ edit ] (On Bionic Commando Rearmed ) But the question this all raises is whether a remake should just blithely parrot the gameplay mechanics of the original, or take the opportunity to improve upon them with our enlightened future space technology? Well the second one obviously, you thick berk. There's nothing inherently sacred about game design from the olden days. They're just old, and wrinkly, and fat, and no one but the utterly depraved wants to sleep with them. (On Castle Crashers ) While the little big-headed characters are fun to look at, in big fights with lots of similarly sized chaps, it's easy to lose sight of the one you're controlling. And this becomes doubly unfair in big boss fights when the big boss's main strategy is to conceal your character's location behind their mountainous flab. At least in Golden Axe you could play as the amazon lady and navigate by her unfeasible boobies. This is like watching midget identical twins wrestling and trying to remember which one you put money on. Nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything — the stupid, diminutive cunts — and you weren't any different. Games, or should I say the potential for games, has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, winding twenty-somethings of the future, they'll be declaring that Halo 3 was miles better than a game of Interstellar Bum Pirates on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both Zelda: Twilight Princess and Super Mario Sunshine before I played Ocarina of Time and Mario 64, and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way! Drink down that burn sauce, fatboy! Also, I think Hitler was right! [56] Mercenaries 2 [ edit ] There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when Ivy from Soulcalibur 's pants ride up, and which are perfectly natural for growing young men. I mean the thought that goes, "But I might need it later" — the niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a giant robot crab on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab just around the corner. No game illustrates this phenomenon better than Mercenaries 2 or, as I like to call it, "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes." Actually this is something I've been meaning to bring up, miss: Why does the C.E.O. of our private military company have to do all the missions personally with no backup except for an Irish chopper pilot who abandons his mission when the enemy chuck anything larger than a scone at him? Actually, working alone might be for the best. The A.I. is so thick, it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion, I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny! [57] Star Wars: The Force Unleashed [ edit ] Apparently the plot is supposed to tie the Star Wars prequel trilogy to the original series, which raises the obvious question: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING? It's like tying your breakfast to a plague rat. The grubby fingerprints of George Lucas are all over the story in that none of the characters are in the slightest bit relatable. That, however, could be because of the Wii graphics limitations making them all look like Gerry Anderson puppets of stroke victims. The Force Unleashed on the Wii did not endear itself to me. I don't blame the developers , and I'm not just saying that because they're based in this city and might kill me. I blame the Wii for being tightfisted with its hardware upgrades ; I blame myself for failing to research the different versions ; I blame Michael Atkinson , the attorney general of South Australia, for quite a few unrelated things ; but most of all I blame George Lucas, that hirsute chinless git, pummeling his own franchises with such ham-handedness you could put a piece of bread around each of his mitts and call them BLTs! [58] S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky [ edit ] I don’t think I would do very well in a real-world combat scenario. I hate being shouted at and I can’t run very fast while wearing a backpack the size of a cow. Before I would willingly enter a gunfight, the enemy are going to have to strap big glowing red arrows to their heads and promise to stand next to windows, loudly vocalizing every thought that crosses their minds. And by the time my comrades have persuaded them to do that, I’ll have remembered that I’m a massive coward and legged it. You know how in most FPSs you're some kind of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take an entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whipped crème and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going in to this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up. The player can't survive more than a measly handful of bullets ripping through their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the cornflakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them. [59] Silent Hill Homecoming [ edit ] The trademark sense of isolation is another point the game misses like a champ, when you are given a spunky female sidekick. This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about. It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. Maybe if the original creators of something don't want to continue it then you should listen to them, because otherwise you're only making it to please the fans. And why would you want to do anything for fans? I mean, I'm a Silent Hill fan and I've just spent the whole review whining like a broken motor. Fans are clingy, complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices, the happier you'll be for it. [60] Saints Row 2 [ edit ] It just struck me that whenever there's a sandbox crime game, it's always the same gangs: Italians, Yakuza, or street gangsters. You're always either going on about respect, honor, or wearing your belt around your thighs. Y'know what there needs to be? A sandbox crime game where you play a Batman villain! You run around doing dastardly crime equipped with freeze rays and jetpacks, completing story missions that lead up to you building a giant brightly colored doomsday machine shaped like a top hat or something. Then Batman comes along and beats you up because you forgot to strap him into your overly-elaborate, slow-moving death trap, then you mysteriously evade capture in order to come back and do it all again next week. Sadly mankind has yet to recognize my genius, which is incidentally the title I have mind for this project. Saints Row 2 shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are dickheads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. If you try to stop them doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does Saints Row 2 not stop you, but it keeps score. [61] Dead Space [ edit ] Just for once, I'd like to see a spaceship in a horror game that actually seems like it might have been a nice place to live. You know, tasteful light fittings, elegant laquered wood panels, or at the very least, throw a fucking carpet down now and again. At least that way, it would almost be a surprise when it gets invaded by a horde of flesh-eating mutants. Frankly, if you paint your spaceship gunmetal-gray and fit it with about half as many flickery-ass fluorescent lights as are necessary, then you might as well rename it the USS Kill Beast Buffet! I've heard people praise how scary it is, but really all it does is startle, and that's not difficult. I was startled when a possum jumped into my window; that doesn't make it the marsupial answer to Stanley Kubrick! [62] Fable 2 [ edit ] The first thing you're gonna need is money. Questing doesn't pay as well as it used to, so you have to get a job. I guess I missed the short story where Conan the Barbarian took up bartending but-- No! Bad Yahtzee! Life simulator! Life simulator! Adjust expectations! Okay then. You know how in The Sims you could get a job as a mailroom clerk? You remember how you had to go into the office every single in-game day and play a little mini-game where you fling envelopes into pigeon holes? Of course not! Because it would have been really fucking boring! Then you have the option of marrying someone, although why you'd want to is a question the game skillfully avoids. Everyone has the same voices and endlessly repeated dialogue lines, so you'll run into nine clones of your beloved down any given street and none of them will get their tits out when you're bonking them. These are just a few of the excellent reasons why I grew bored after around twelve minutes of happy marriage and decided it was time to murder my entire family. This was the point when I discovered you can't kill children, of course. So much for total freedom, eh? What, so it's all right for someone else to shoot me in the face and throw me off a building when I'm a kid; but the moment I try to spread the love, then ooh, suddenly we're getting off message? And while we're on the subject, why can't I marry my dog? [63] Fallout 3 [ edit ] If I had Liam Neeson's phone number, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd nervously call him up and blurt out something about how Darkman was all right before slamming the receiver down and running away. But hypothetically, if I wasn't an idiot and talked him into doing voices for my video game, I'd have him voice a character named Captain Dynamite, who has the face of Frank Zappa and nuclear missiles instead of legs. He'd fly around the player in a magic space buggy for the entire course of the game sprinkling rose petals and friendship. What I'm saying is I'd make the most of the talent. Bethesda seems to be in the habit of hiring the biggest name voice actors they can find, and having their character drop off the face of the earth before you've even picked a class. They did it to Captain Picard in Oblivion and now they've done it to Oskar Schindler in Fallout 3. Games have spent the last twenty years ingraining into me the instinct that being the stalwart hero of the land basically overrules society's petty ownership laws. Rather an objectivist philosophy on reflection, but I'll be buggered before I unlearn that for one fucking game! [64] Guitar Hero World Tour [ edit ] The first problem we ran into was that no one wanted to sing! This is less a problem with World Tour specifically, and more an inherent problem with the original concept , and possibly with the people I hang around with. You see, people who like pretend guitar are introverted nerds who picture themselves as the aloof, crazy-skilled lead guitarist whose hands rattle away at the strings like nervous little crabs while he stares into the middle distance pretending to have forgotten he's holding it. Whereas people who like pretend singing are either screechy center-of-attention types or a normal person who has rendered themselves massively drunk and stumbled upon a jukebox full of 80s power ballads . [65] Mirror's Edge [ edit ] For most people, a demo for Mirror's Edge colored their expectations a shimmering gold, only to realize once they bought the full game that they had been seeing the light reflecting off a stream of piss. And yeah, maybe it would be realistic for all that white scenery combined with bright sunlight to bleed together into a big blinding blob, but it doesn't help you avoid dropping off a building for the umpteen bazillionth time. "Oh," says Mirror's Edge, here manifesting as a designer with a bicycle pump embedded in his skull. "Well, since that's your problem, I guess I'll just set half the game in linear claustrophobic tunnels that undermine the very concept of free running, and then fill them with excessive bloom anyway!" So he did. And then he ate his own shoes. So, essentially flawed concept, dodgy detection, indecisive design, muddy story, unlikeable characters, shocking brevity: put them all together and you get essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity! And of course Mirror's Edge. [66] Left 4 Dead [ edit ] It's my observation that zombies are second only to ninjas, pirates, and monkeys in the list of things that nerds like and need to shut the fuck up about. They watch movies about them, they dress up like them and wander around irritating commuters in major cities; and it seems every time a hot new engine comes out, some craven optimist will try to make a zombie mod for it, post up one gun model and a piece of concept art before the level designer remembers he's only worked in Lego and the whole thing falls apart. I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs. ...The repetition is eased by the so-called "AI Director" -- an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows, who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the points when you need it, and a billion zombies whenever he's bored (which is all the time). Anthropomorphizing the system was probably a shrewd idea, because when cocks rocket skyward, everyone likes having someone to blame who can't defend themselves. I saw someone pray to the AI Director once; this is probably how cults get started! [67] Sonic Unleashed [ edit ] Sonic the Hedgehog is sort of a rock star of the video gaming industry. He fronted a succession of extremely popular titles , made enough money to buy St. Paul's Cathedral and grind it into a fine snortable powder, hung around with a lot of suspiciously effeminate young boys , abused a number of forbidden substances , spiraled downward as inevitably as Al-Qaeda Airways, weathered a few very embarrassing attempts to regrab the spotlight, and now his shows are attended only by people's dads, who can only shake their heads in despair at the unshaven drug-addled spaz on stage whose pathetic spurts of activity masquerading as entertainment only serve to highlight both his and his audience's mutual decline into inexorable piss-dribbling old age. All he needs to do now is hang himself on a doorknob while having a wank! It's a fairly safe assumption that anyone who ever had any actual talent at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company to an invading force of leprous retards who create design documents by flicking fountain pens at a pile of shredded paper. This isn't the game for you if you like jumping right into the action. Come to think of it, this isn't the game for you even if you don't! I'm not sure what kind of person could consider this the game for them, but they probably live in a cave and subsist on raw fish! Prince of Persia [ edit ] The Prince of Persia series as it stands can best be equated to a man who owns a goose that once, when the conditions were exactly right and after being fed a particular kind of food, laid a golden egg . He then spent the next few years experimenting with the goose's bedding and vitamin intake hoping to recreate the ideal conditions, and after nothing more than a couple of bronze and silver eggs plopped out he went the scientific route of chopping it into fritters looking for the secret. And after that didn't work he hastily stitched it back together, dressed it up in glittery fabric and attached some googly eyes. And that's the new Prince of Persia, an appealingly gaudy appearance that fails to disguise the fact that the old bird is dead inside. To utterly misquote Benjamin Franklin, "He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither." [69] Awards for 2008 [ edit ] The Turd in a Chocolate Box Award for Surprising Poor Quality: Grand Theft Auto IV Mirror's Edge was a hot contender for this award, until I remembered that the game's badness didn't come as any surprise to me because it was by EA, and I am apparently more skilled in pattern recognition than most. So the award goes to none other than Grand Theft Auto IV, which decided that the best way to bring in specialty madcap sandbox fun into the new console generation was to dip the graphics in filthy dishwater, construct all the vehicles from depleted uranium, and break up the gameplay every five minutes to make you wheel your fat cousin to places and shovel burgers into his gob. Congratulations go out to all at Rockstar, as soon as someone wakes them up. [70] Tomb Raider: Underworld [ edit ] Tomb Raider Underworld's story goes as follows. Lara's looking for her mum, who is dead, only she isn't really; she's just stuck in the afterlife, so maybe she is dead, I dunno. And there's this evil lady who blows up Lara's house because... er... I guess she really doesn't want Lara to find her mum. The story follows on from Tomb Raider: Legend , which I haven't played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered: Absolutely bloody no one! Especially not myself. [71] Far Cry 2 [ edit ] You see, for sandbox gameplay to work, you need a deeply varied world that calls for exploration (a la Saints Row 2 ) and/or some kind of clear ultimate goal hovering overhead (a la Assassin's Creed ). Far Cry 2 has neither. Its approach is to plunk us without instruction in the middle of nowhere and knock off for lunch. It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild, only for it bewilderedly sit on a daisy for several hours before a predator comes along and bites its entire body off. [72] Gears of War 2 [ edit ] ...This is a game for big manly men with pecs like paving slabs. Anyone who shows any emotion besides grim determination or detached gallows humor is going to either die or get his balls kicked so hard that they blast out of his ears. Other ways to tempt fate in this universe include wearing a helmet, not having a sense of humor, and basically being anyone but the kind of person who'd replace their genitals with a minigun if they thought they could get away with it and found something else they could piss out of! It's worth remembering that sometimes popular things are popular for a reason -- because they're good, or because Will Smith is in it. [73] Little Big Planet [ edit ] I feel there's a fundamental difference of philosophy between me and the developers of LittleBigPlanet. They believe that every single person is an extra-special god-child with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower; and I believe that every single person is a tosser, and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried under garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers, all of which the moderators hastily delete along with anything that looks at them funny. [74] Thief: The Dark Project [ edit ] So it was left to Thief to have strange and deviant thoughts like, "What if there was a first-person game where you were trying to achieve something other than genocide, where even one or two measly deaths would have the game slap your hands away from the controls and yell, 'What the fuck?'" And thus was born the stealth-em-up. Not that a reasonable person could profitably ogle the guards and civilians in Thief. This was still early days of full 3D, so they all looked and moved like badly made origami polio victims. But there was nothing more impishly entertaining than hiding in a shadow listening to a pair of thicko guards discuss nose picking strategies. Then when they heard your stifled giggling, there was nothing more tense than standing stock-still with breath caught as the aforesaid thickoes peered searchingly into the shadows, so close you could practically see their polygonal nostril hairs quivering, as you pray to a god you never believed in that they'll turn around and facilitate a nice swift bop across the bonce. [75] Skate 2 [ edit ] The main character is a faceless, voiceless, nameless jerk who is incarcerated in a prison whose entire inmate population consists of skaters and whose friends instantly assume they'll want to start skating again once he gets out -- which you can't refuse because you can't fucking speak! -- lending credence to the theory that, rather than being heaven for skaters, this is some kind of hell for people who call skaters masochistic twats. I dunno; I can see how Skate 2 would be fun and satisfying for someone who knew what the hell they were doing, but the path to becoming that sort of someone is so arduous and frustrating you're more likely to just yell, "Fuck it!" and go back to Rockband. Maybe today will be the day I finally complete Green Hills and High Tides [sic] on expert. Personally, I felt more sympathetic for the police than the skaters in this game no matter how often they were depicted as power-tripping authoritarian toolbags diabolically infringing upon our personal right to fling ourselves at top speed down a busy pavement and knock somebody's mum into the path of a Fiat Bravo! [76] Fear 2 [ edit ] And of course there's F.E.A.R.'s ongoing pretensions to being horror games. Amusingly there are several occasions when a scary set piece will rely upon you looking in a certain direction at a certain time, which in many cases you won't be. So, while a ghostly vision farts about off-screen, the soundtrack will give a sudden violin shriek while you stare at a menacing window sill. Now I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine a world where sequels are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we'd miss out on genuinely good sequels like Thief 2 or Half-Life 2 , but I think that's a small price to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no franchises , so there'd be less fandom, so all the nerds will go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases. And best of all, endings would have to have some fucking closure! Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous "to be continued" bullshit, when you have no idea if you'll even make a sequel , will be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for recurring themes and metaphors , and remakes will carry the death penalty! [77] Spiderman: Web of Shadows [ edit ] I know that Spiderman's flaws and humanity are central to his character -- great responsibility, Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy, clone saga, derpy derpy doo -- but I'm sure there's a way to bring that across without making him a whiny little bitch! I don't know who they got to do the voice but he badly needs to make his balls drop, with pliers if necessary. Web of Shadows makes the high-speed web-slinging stay in mopping the floors while the combat goes out to beat up faggots. And combats are never going to be unique again. Fists, chains, ropes with spikes on the end, guns, swords, guns that are also swords - these are all roads well traveled. If I want to hurt people I'll play God of War , or prowl the homeless shelters with a knife and garrote wire, but if I want to swing around on webs very fast I'll play Spider-Man! [78] House of the Dead: Overkill [ edit ] House of the Dead as a series has long been the butt of jokes for its atrocious stories, disastrous translation and calamitous voice acting; but at the same time it's also got a history of canny self-parody. House of the Dead 2 was re-released as a surprisingly hilarious typing tutor in which the guns were replaced by magical keyboards that blew off zombie limbs and heads with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs, and which I heartily recommend to anyone who feels that zombie massacres need not be precluded from the development of secretarial skills. [79] 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand [ edit ] You know what? A society where anyone can make jokes about anyone else and everyone laughs is a truly tolerant society. Political-correctness-charged censorship only serves to engender resentment and distance between social groups . Besides, gangster rappers don't need defending, they've got guns for that! All the other characters talk and act like they're in a rejected Indiana Jones plot; eloquently soliloquizing their motivations while 50 Cent swaggers about slurring thick urban dialect, sticking out like a sausage roll in a soufflé. But if this were deliberate, it would imply some level of sophistication on the part of the writer, which I can't accept. If it were an Indiana Jones plot, it'd be one dictated by a Phantom Menace era George Lucas to a secretary who doesn't speak English. Remove your presumptions and we find ourselves playing a game about an extremely rich man, who wears two hats for no adequate reason, destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself -- presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is. [80] Resident Evil 5 [ edit ] (on the game's inventory system) And here's the really fun part: If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space, too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor! It's all such a fucking unintuitive nuisance, and whoever came up with it should be sent to a special hell where he has to pack shopping for crotchety old women! ...Or perhaps just punched in the stomach. But let’s close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that’s been hanging around like a bad smell. RE5 actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. And then... Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. Oh, dears! Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one really shouldn't worry about this sort of thing unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. Capcom aren't bad people, they're just idiots. [81] Halo Wars [ edit ] The story so far: I'm embarking upon an occasional quest to play games belonging to genres I've never really gotten into; a campaign I thoroughly expect to wholeheartedly regret the next time a big JRPG comes out, but mostly due to my excremental boredom with the procession of identical powered-armor space marines that clog up mainstream action gaming like so much hyper-masculine mildew. As part of this venture I've been playing Halo Wars, which may come across as a curious choice because it's a game about identical powered-armor space marines — GYAAARGH! The business of selecting units is also a right ass, and that may sound like a small complaint, but small things can lead to big problems, like a tiny piece of broken glass lodged in a urinary tract. Games that evolved in PC waters have trouble adapting to a non-mouse controlled environment and RTS is no exception. Lacking click-and-drag, all you can do is select one prick, select one prick and all his prick friends standing within a fixed diameter, select all the pricks on the current screen, or call a great big all-map prick hoedown. So if you just want to, say, select all your flying pricks for a strategic insertion, then you're going to have a bit of prick trouble beyond the might of any soothing cream. [About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after a timer ran out] "We lost contact!" went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words "WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS." appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their Battle Royale collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves ? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? Absolutely bloody no one! Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole fucking mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT! Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars [ edit ] The DS meanwhile is not a turd (and good thing, too, with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kinda does its own thing, It does it well, but GTA is from a different world. Chinatown Wars is therefore the bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers from two warring families, tragically shot dead while trying to elope by a hired gun (played in this drama by myself), too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed. It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults. Stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality — all the foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius. [83] MadWorld [ edit ] There really needs to be a name for this sub-genre, so I'm going to make one up: spectacle fighters - games in which most of the standard baddies are about as effectual as a panda's love spuds, and the emphasis is less on them being challenges to get past and more on them being squirty punching bags to be dispatched in the most spectacular ways. Devil May Cry , Viewtiful Joe , God Hand and arguably Manhunt are the foamy-mouthed horses that already populate this rowdy stable. [84] Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X. [ edit ] Now I'm no expert on this (or indeed, anything except dick analogies) but I do know that modern military jets are very fucking fast things. By the time you see one it's already over there, so combat in such a thing would usually amount to pressing a button and watching something half a mile behind you burst into flames, and that's not just idle fact it's cold hard speculation. But real life makes not for entertainment, so for this game we're all just going to dogfight in jets like it's nineteen-forty-fucking-five, okay? The PMC point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. But then! They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? [85] Siren Blood Curse [ edit ] Survival horror is what I might call my "pet" genre, a pet I keep in the tool shed and feed broken glass, and in my awards for last year I accused everything that claimed survival horror status of being nothing but a parade of action games where some of the enemies jump very suddenly out of cupboards. But some viewers took issue with that: "What about Siren Blood Curse?" they cried. "While you were blindly clinging to the hope that the new developers would recover Silent Hill from the dustbin with the baked beans and fish heads cleaned off, the PS3 was enjoying a true original survival horror game full of all that Japanese-style horror you hold in such high esteem, watashi wa baka gaijin, etc. etc." So, all right, I guess I'm going to have to put my hands up to that one. Yes, there was at least one survival horror game last year - it's just that it was rubbish. That's the other major problem I have: When you play Siren, you do things it's way. It has that adventure game problem of every challenge having one and only one solution. "You will step in line, motherfucker, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off back to your sandbox." [86] The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena [ edit ] My theory is that Dark Athena consists of two mission packs that were inexpertly mashed together, after it became clear that the second one was too short and too shit. It's in this chapter that we're introduced to the "spider turret", a small wall-mounted enemy that is very hard to spot and which can knock off all your health in two hits from two continents away -- an enemy which can only have been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of sixteenth century puritans working to eliminate the very concept of fun. Riddick in Pitch Black had some personality, a sense of humor, actual flaws and ambiguous morals — you know, like what us tiresome human beings have. But now he's just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growl threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that are supposed to make him sound like a warrior poet but more give the impression that he has fortune cookie papers glued to the inside of his goggles! [87] Valkyria Chronicles [ edit ] Work has been put into giving every soldier a distinct face, personality, and one-line back story, which is probably just intended to make us give a shit, but was really useful in helping me remember the useless fatheads. There was this one guy, a sniper, looked like he was suffering from reverse aging and he just felt his testicles being absorbed into his body, seemed to hit maybe one out of every ten shots, and every time I brought him along, the enemy would always aim for him first. It was uncanny. It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull sucked every passing bullet right into his face. Valkyria Chronicles helped me come to two distressing realizations about myself -- firstly, that I might technically be a Nazi sympathizer; and secondly, that turn-based strategy is something I might be able to get into. Here and there in battle, I caught myself getting slightly entertained. but Valkyria Chronicles messes itself around too much. Aside from the action being outnumbered five to one by cutscenes and muddy menu-driven micromanagement motherfuckery, enemies should not be able to shoot you when it's not their fucking turn! It's like an opponent in chess flicking elastic bands at your pawns while you're trying to think. [88] Velvet Assassin [ edit ] So it's a third person stealth game with a Splinter-Cell-crossed-with-Hitman-crossed-with-Schindler's-List sort of feel, with a dash of Thief's atmosphere and a sprinkling of Metal Gear Solid's confused vaguely anti-war bullshit message. I have a special little black hole in my cold obsidian heart for stealth gameplay, but it's like owning a tiger. It's very impressive if you know how to look after it, but if you don't you're going to be cleaning massive dollops of your former children off of the kitchen floor. Instant game-overs the moment the guards so much as smell your farts are an example of bad stealth. And while Velvet Assassin does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, you have a bad haircut, so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen hyperbolillionth time. One thing's for sure: This definitely wasn't an American production because, if it was, it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violet watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and Valkyria Chronicles, what's with all the World War Two games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service? [89] Duke Nukem Forever [ edit ] My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on fourteen DVDs, but I'd expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display, and a good thing too. I mean, hypothetically, if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super-game and had merely been jerking off for twelve years, then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys, but there are also investors (who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people) who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they've never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining than a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people who still genuinely believe that something half-decent could come out of this rigmarole would say, "That's tragic." NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC! If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that is not tragic, that is how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by Social Services. But anyway, the point was, I'm just glad I don't live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I'd better stop here, because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we'd go pony trekking under the sea. [90] Bionic Commando [ edit ] The bionic commando, a character so lasting and dynamic that I completely forgot his name, is on death row for... being a bionic commando apparently. But then a group of radical bionics nuke a city to make everyone realize what harmless and level-headed people they are, so the government give our hero his arm back and send him in, but they call him up every five minutes to call him a tosser so at least they're not hypocrites. Also, there's a subplot concerning his missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is officially the most retarded thing I've heard since I called the walrus hotline! Whatever, I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch - I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit! [91] inFamous [ edit ] In my FEAR 2 review I made the point that government supersoldier projects are a flawed premise because any death machine with free will will inevitably notice that there's something iffy about taking orders from cabals of aging generals when they could beat bears to death from across the room using only their prostates. If superpowers are to be had handing them out to random passers-by seems as good a system as any, because then we could all ask ourselves whether we'd use the gift to help people or blow up the entire world. Of course I would ask why we can't have more options. Can't I just help people as a day job and destroy the world on the weekends? Or maybe I'd just fuck the whole complicated business and go back to working at Wal-Mart, using my powers to jump-start the little carts the fatties ride around on. Anyway, everyone knows that a really evil person would take the good options to create a facade of benevolence while slowly building their power base and public confidence until, just when you least expect it... BAM! Off-world slavery. And even then the Republicans would probably still vote for them. [92] The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre [ edit ] Project Natal! I know they pronounced it "Nat-ahl", but I'm going to keep calling it "Nay-tal" because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a dead-eyed CG ten-year-old while Peter Molyneux stands in the background gushing about it. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one "unwinds" by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. [93] Sonic All-Stars Racing! First thought: "Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need a car?" Second thought: "Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?" Prototype [ edit ] Prototype still wins, though, because a sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly like emo Peter Pan. I'd say it was, "Made of win," but if I did I'd have to strangle myself. Again, zapping people in the balls is really the only schadenfreude to be had in inFamous, and Prototype absolutely skull-fucks it in the dicking around event: Eat an old man, take his appearance, run all they way up the tallest building, then elbow-drop two hundred stories directly onto his confused and frightened wife. Then sneak up behind two soldiers and eat one without his friend noticing, then when the two of you get back to base, accuse your friend of being you in disguise. Then when all the other soldiers are distracted shooting him, EAT THEM, TOO! [94] The Sims 3 [ edit ] Truly, my objection comes because what I am is a critic of games, not a critic of computer programs that you just fuck around in! This may sound a little bit hysterical but The Sims is probably the most evil game in the world. It's not the Manhunt kind of evil that convinces children to put each others' heads in plastic bags - that's pussy evil. It's not even the World of Warcraft type of evil that turns millions of people into mindless zombies, doomed to walk the earth devouring pizza and Cheetos. No, The Sims is evil out of a sense of underlying wrongness. Despite physical appearance every character feels the same, a facade of wholesomeness stretched over a dead empty interior, a hive-like community of beings who make an effort to imitate human behavior but don't quite grasp the subtleties. And you just know that if you peel their skin back you'll find reptilian scales or a black chitinous exoskeleton. [95] Ghostbusters: The Video Game [ edit ] People or properties more commonly associated with famous movies , books , birthday card messages, etc, decide to grace the video game industry with their presence and everyone's all like, "Ooh, show us how it's done great sensei, because we've honestly just been guessing up to now!" It belies not only the endless disrespect video games recieve, but also gaming's collective self-esteem problem. If something worked as a movie, then that qualifies it to work as a sequence of amusing lights and sounds that hold the average scumbag's jaw slacked for around two hours. Whereas a video game has to stand up to about ten hours of unpleaseable nerds like me turning over every rock looking for stuff to complain about. My point is, asking a filmmaker to make a game is like asking a sausage maker to suck off a pig. You can sort of see the logical connection there, but it's a completely different skillset and the effort will just leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. [96] Overlord 2 [ edit ] Overlord 2 plonks you in the usual generic fantasy world and into the big Renaissance Faire booties of some guy who at least subscribes to the same magazines as Lord Sauron , and your task is to use an army of giggling imp minions to... Actually that's a good point; what the fuck are we doing here? Taking over the world, probably, not that they ever tell you that. I guess once you put your big spiky helmet on over your glowing eyes and raised an army of demons to do your bidding, you can't exactly go back to business school. Also, is there a specific imp who has died and for whom you had a particular fondness? No there isn't, you fucking liar, they're all identical! But just in case there is (if you're the kind of person who assigns personalities to their dining room chairs), then you can resurrect specific ones for a small price, you weirdo. You see, the imps fail to endear themselves to me, which could be because they control like ass! A fat one to be precise, sitting on a pair of stilts with roller skates on the end. You see, while it is true that people enjoy being a dick in games, it stops being fun when the game actually wants you to be a dick. It's less about dickishness itself and more about defying the rules. That's why it's more fun to be a dick in, say, Half Life 2 because the game is desperately trying to make you out as the hero even while you're jumping on someone's head throwing broken bottles into people's eyes. [97] Red Faction Guerrilla [ edit ] After that a load of boring plot happened, and I was let into the real game and still brimming with Viking rage , my first instinct was to see what effect Mjöllnir would have on the nearest human being. For the first blow they just told me to stop arsing around, and on the second their spine snapped neatly in half. Hah! Teach him to tell me what to do. But then a little message came up saying that my morale had gone down. No, it fucking hadn't, Red Faction Guerrilla! Now get out of the way so I can break all your stuff! [98] Wii Sports Resort [ edit ] Wii Sports Resort is mostly functional and you could probably have a lot of fun playing it with friends or some children you intend to molest. But I oppose it because I see what it represents: a dead end. Your motion sensor could have full 1:1 control and incorporate a twenty-two function Swiss Army knife, but that won't change the fact that without physical feedback, motion controls are unimmersive! In the long run, they can only hope to sucker in casual gamers with teaspoon-shallow minigames like Wii Sports, the gaming equivalent of the cartoon cinemas used to play before the film. I say stop buying the Wii, fuck Project Natal up the arse, and maybe this whole motion sensor trend can fuck off and make room for the next innovation. Like cyberspace! Or a controller made of fruit! [99] Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood [ edit ] At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges; and as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot! They could even have had three-way co-op, let the third guy play as "Wee-um". Press X to hide, press triangle to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants. [100] The Conduit [ edit ] I read in the gaming journals that The Conduit uses special technology that makes it look as good as games on the PS3 and Xbox. Then I waited a few minutes for the punchline, but apparently they were serious! To put it charitably, the game is fucking ugly! This isn't even because of the Wii. I've seen better-looking Wii games and even Gamecube games - this is more on the level of a PS2 that someone's trodden on. I can't remember the last time I saw a game depict a skyline by painting one on a wall and erecting it a few feet away from the window. That's shit I'd expect from a Tex Murphy game, and Christ, this is turning into a good review for obscure references , isn't it? The sole element The Conduit can claim as a unique gameplay mechanic is a glorified flashlight that reveals invisible locking mechanisms, essentially doing nothing but an extra phase to the "press button, open door" routine. Don't worry if you're not keen on scavenger hunts, though, because the presence of a nearby invisible thing is helpfully indicated by the soundtrack going, "BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!" while you're still trying to clear the room of those fucking insidious scuttlefuck spawners. "BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!" And then when you think you've cleared the room and put your weapon away to shut the fucking thing up; Lo and behold! There was another monster spawner on the ceiling you couldn't see because you can't look up! [101] Silent Hill 2 [ edit ] You see, Silent Hill 2 isn't just a game I think is good. Silent Hill 2 is the game I replay every now and again to remind myself that, for all the shiny brown/quick time event/RPG element/space marines, gaming is still worth defending. If I were Batman, Silent Hill 2 would be my murdered parents, if you see what I mean. Silent Hill 2 is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in symbolism , the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of Pyramid Head (in his first appearance before he totally sold out) an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin. [102] 2.5D Hoedown [ edit ] 'Splosion Man puts me in mind of N+ crossed with Portal , and then crossed with Portal a few more times until very little of N+ remained. It's set in a futuristic laboratory like the one in Portal, but it doesn't get suspicious until you find your first cake. There's one on every level you can get for extra points, which is obviously way better than Portal which just had the one, and even that one was of questionable status. And you remember how Portal memorably featured a jaunty song with quirky lyrics? 'Splosion Man has three. I appreciate that you have to do whatever it takes to stand out in the indie market, but 'Splosion Man really is trying too hard, like an insecure man who goes to work in bright green trousers so the people will pay attention to him, if only for long enough to tell him to change his stupid green trousers. [103] Tales of Monkey Island [ edit ] Monkey Island was part of my childhood. I had the first two on my Amiga - don't suppose you embryos would remember those times when a game like Monkey Island 2 came on twelve floppy disks and playing it was like operating an old-fashioned switchboard? The first two games are still timelessly imaginative, sparkling, and very very funny, and therefore have no place in this review. The problem with the later installments is the usual one that occurs when a series has been in cryogenics for a few years in that the new developers are almost always fans who, in their eagerness to show "respect" for their beloved franchise, prefer to lavish it in tongue baths in place of any significant evolution. In the second episode of Tales of Monkey Island, a character whistles a snatch of music from Monkey Island 2, which might have been kind of cool if he had not then said, "GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT MUSIC'S FROM, HMM?! HMM?! Wink-wink! Slurp-slurp! Tongue bath!" I'm reminded of a cat showing affection to its owner by gobbing a dead bird onto his rug. [104] Wolfenstein [ edit ] You know what future historians will say about us, right? There were two very different games within the same twenty-year period, both called Wolfenstein and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the first. From this we conclude that the people of the early 21st century were taking the piss! It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the genre , but Wolfenstein (the new one that is) subscribes to so many of the cliches of current generation action games that it's like The Spy Who Loved Me of FPSs. It's so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That's why I've decided to review it... in limerick form! In the tumultuous time before D-day / There once was man named BJ / With chocolate box hair / And a face like a bear / And a jacket he picked up on E-bay. Your gun is of course your best friend / On which you must always depend / When you get into fights / You can look down the sights / And bullets come out of the end. [105] Batman Arkham Asylum [ edit ] I had my doubts about Arkham Asylum because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when you're Batman, a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit - and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit - but I just love that bit in The Dark Knight when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from The Departed, until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye. Also, it's amazing how I only really care about auto-run after it's been taken away. If I fail to hold down "X" every single time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his ass. I thought we perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it half way to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for... I dunno, the "bat spank?" [106] Beatles Rock Band and Guitar Hero 5 [ edit ] Rhythm games are a bit of an indictment of our generation, aren't they? Why yes, I would like to clarify that position! We've never had a decent war to give us any sense of mutual achievement or confidence, so we place anyone with the slightest talent or notoriety on ridiculous pedestals and tell ourselves we could never reach them because we're just so shit! And then Rock Band and Guitar Hero say, "Yes! You are shit! Real guitar's not in your league; all the shit will come off your shitty fingers and clog up the fretboard! But never mind; here's something that isn't much like playing real guitar but kind of looks like it, and that's the best you could hope for, isn't it, you empty, hopeless turd?!" Let me ask you something, Guitar Hero: Do you really want to create a generation surfing across mediocrity on a wave of plinky-plonky plastic? And when the fuck are you going to license Stairway to Heaven? [107] Darkest of Days [ edit ] When you're dealing with time travel it's important to establish whose rules are in play. Is this 12 Monkeys rules where you can't change shit? Or Back to the Future rules where you can change shit but the time line is kind of easygoing about it? Or Terminator rules where you can change shit, but then maybe you can't change shit, and then you make a God-awful TV series and Christian Bale yells at someone? [108] Scribblenauts [ edit ] I feel sorry for people who are god, and I shouldn't because that's like feeling sorry for Paris Hilton. Don't ask how I got into this situation but, on one level, I had a truck hanging Italian Job -style over a lava pit with a star embedded in an ice block sitting on the end. I had an ice pick and all I had to do was carefully move along the truck, smash the ice and get the star. Even if I fell into the lava, if I had the star, I'd still win, with an agonizing, flesh-vaporizing victory dance. But as I tapped on the block to break it, it shifted slightly and I clicked the background. And fuck! it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do that! He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a clown when he grew up. I'd call him a fucking drunken spastic, but apparently those words don't exist. If I were feeling charitable, I'd liken it to having infinite amounts of Lego and only being allowed to access ten blocks of it at a time. But it's not even that. It's more like no-clipping through Doom 3 with all the lights turned up; all the content with no structure or entertainment value; not so much a game as a developer showing off. Congratulations guys , you've proved that you have a fuck-load of free time and a dictionary. Come back when you've looked up what "fun" means. [109] Wet [ edit ] There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon. The main character is Rubi, a tomboy-ish assassin who's about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim; and this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a fifteen-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is Russ Meyer and you built an entire film-making career around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. That's MY thing! [110] Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story [ edit ] I don't have a problem with aiming games at kids, although I do despise kids. Seriously, I don't think you quite grasp how much I loathe children. Given three wishes, I'll ask for a puppy, a decent chip sandwich and for every child-bearing womb on the planet to pop out and fly away like a cheery parade of greasy red balloons. But while kids are pretty fucking stupid - I mean, even with all the crayons in the world, they still can't draw a fucking house - that doesn't mean you can't try to challenge them. When I was a kid, we played games where you had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you! Kids today get their hands held so hard their fingers turn white and drop off! [111] Brütal Legend [ edit ] It's difficult to put down in words my opinion of Tim Schaffer but, basically, if I had access to a doomsday machine, I'd reduce the entire population of the world to me, Tim Schaffer, and maybe a woman (if she promised to wear a Tim Schaffer mask). I ask you now: How many more genres have to be sacrificed to the sandbox monster before we remember the importance of specialization? We've already lost the RPGs, the racers, the shooters, the brawlers, the bakers, the candlestick makers - all stouped together into games of all trades, masters of none. And now we're losing real-time strategy; where does it end? Will I one day be refused the straight-line block in Tetris until I've journeyed to the Sargoth Plains and recovered the fifty sacred horse-bollocks? [112] Washington D.C. [ edit ] Yeah, that raises the question: If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation? If you got, like, Siamese twins... who share the same, like, downstairs parts, and one of them consents and the other one doesn't... is it rape? I mean, if the other one consents? It's like a... it's a timeshare vagina. [113] Uncharted 2: Among Thieves [ edit ] [Uncharted: Drake's Fortune] wasn't awful, but it had fewer original thoughts than the BBC program planning department. It had one ball from Gears of War in its mouth and another from Tomb Raider and was sucking for all it's might. The plot was removed by cesarean section from an Indiana Jones movie so sloppily that doctors were unable to save any of the relatable characters or coherent motivations; and also took a lead from the Dan Brown school of puzzles. i.e. present the viewer some ancient riddle, then immediately solve it for them because if they were smart they wouldn't be watching this piss. Like a supermodel who was considered ugly because she wears a baggy sweater, Drake is generically handsome beneath the strategically-placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble; supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded, gibbon-armed-flailing jumping technique; and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacement in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria - although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game, he has now moved on to non-American whites. [114] Dragon Age: Origins [ edit ] Dragon Age calls itself a "Dark Fantasy". It's rather cute, really, like a D&D nerd getting his ear pierced because he fancies the goth girl who works at Starbucks. Dragon Age isn't Dark Fantasy, nor is it Light Grey, Avocado, or Caffeine-Free Fantasy -- it's just straight Fantasy Classic; it's a straight-line Tetris block wiping out four big, fat rows of demand for traditional single-player RPGs. Its got elves, dwarves, dragons, it's got a title screen depicting a sword sticking out of the ground, and the world map looks like a fire-breathing coffee drinker's been sick on it. We're talking 100% commitment here, where every individual element could be taken out of context and every single one could make your girlfriend legitimately call you a sad bastard. I remember hearing somewhere that Dragon Age contained nine novels worth of text, which didn't really sell it to me. Who the fuck sits down to read nine novels at once, if they don't live in the fucking Bastille?! So about seventy five percent of your playtime is spent making rather creepy loving eye contact with NPCs as they talk about the weather, the political situation, and the small group of ogres who are standing behind you and who will stove in your head with lead pipes literally the very instant this conversation ends, all in the same placid tone of voice, even when you're freshly battled and your body is spotted with blood splatters like a menstruating leper, which makes everyone in the world seem a little bit mental. [115] Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 [ edit ] "Unimpressed by our controversy , are you?" says Infinity Ward . "Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!" Remember how, in my HAWX review , I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, MW2 skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe. At the point when I was ramping a snowmobile over a sixty foot abyss, I realized that all pretense of realism had been savagely dropped and they had opted to write some demented and confusing James Bond story where James Bond gets murdered half an hour in to be replaced by a bloke called, "Bames Jond." [116] Assassin's Creed 2 [ edit ] Being European, there's an old saying I'm quite fond of: In Heaven, the food is Italian, the police are British, the platformers are French , the shooters are Croatian , and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation . In Hell, the food is British, the shooters are Canadian , and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers. About the only important things Italy ever did were the Renaissance and murdering Jesus - deicide and a whole bunch of painters running around being gay. But it's in that gay painty period of history that we find the setting of Assassin's Creed 2, or to use its other name, "Ubisoft's 20-hour Assassin's Creed 1 Repentance." Yes! Someone at Ubisoft thankfully started taking practicality pills, and Ezio can actually run at full pelt down a street without guards getting suspicious, because this is Renaissance Italy, where it's more suspicious to not dress and act like a complete bell-end. Also thank fuck there's a fast travel system now, and you don't have to take lengthy horse journeys between every fucking mission. Unless you want to. Like if you've got a lady friend 'round and you want to hypnotize her with the sight of a horse's ass bobbing up and down for half an hour. [117] Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros Wii [ edit ] Nintendo's Mario team really don't seem to have any ambition besides subsisting on bits of crust they can scrape from the pimply underbelly of nostalgia, lest anything as dangerous as a new idea appear in their brains and give them a fucking seizure! But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, "This shit will not fly!" [118] Demon's Souls [ edit ] Eventually though I got through the first dingy castle full of jerks and found the first demon, which was a giant slow-moving cowpat. Probably fitting for the very first tier but I was starting to think the game was making fun of me. Anyway, some helpful prior player advised me via the medium of floor to use fire-based weapons, so I opened the menu to put some fire on my sword, whereupon I was cowpatted to death because opening the menu doesn't pause the game. "Pause?!" it seemed to say. "What kind of faggot are you? I don't care if you need to answer the phone, real gamers have no friends!" [119] Holiday 2009[ edit ] Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas! Haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday! ... (That's summer holiday, by the way. Hope that Northern Hemisphere weather is workin' out for ya.) [120] Saboteur [ edit ] I think I've realized the problem with World War II games: It's that everyone already knows how they're going to end! A load of fascists with hard-ons for sausages and hanging big red banners on everything take over continental Europe, spread themselves over too many fronts like a single-cunted hooker filling in for her triple-cunted friend, Hitler kills himself just in time for some Russians to come and laugh at his mono-bollock, and an entire sub-genre of alternate history fiction is born. Paris is one of those old European cities where the roads have been built up over the centuries from the ancient dirt tracks where some proto-Frenchman long ago left a sickly goat out in the sun to create the very first disgusting cheese. So that leaves us with a lot of narrow, twisty roads inhabited by lots of nuns, poodles, and strolling lovers in the brief moments before they all get tangled up in your wheel arches. I've honestly lost count of all the ways I've killed Nazis in my life as a gamer. I've killed them in linear first- and third-person , sandbox first- and third-person, I've shot their planes down in flight sims , I've invaded their installations in RTSes , and in the Indiana Jones adventure games , I've point-and-clicked their lights out. Now The Saboteur has let me beat the Nazis in a go-kart race, so all I have to do now to have the full collection is smack a Nazi to death with a Guitar Hero controller! [121] Awards for 2009 [ edit ] The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die: Michael Atkinson After Super Mario Bros. Wii was just an NES Mario game with four times the bullshit, I was tempted to give this award to Mario, but frankly, it's a little too obvious, and complaining about Mario's undying nature is like using a shield and claymore to take on a speeding train. So instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson, a South Australian attorney general who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation and the world every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old fuck. [122] Torchlight [ edit ] I have a lot of respect for the fantasy peasant village economic model. It seems like those guys have got a good scam going on. First you accidentally build your settlement within easy walking distance of the local gnoll encampment or dragon cave or directly on top of a gateway to Hell, then all you have to do is build a big fat checkpoint in the village square and keep giving birth to potential kidnap victims, and your storekeeper, your blacksmith, your tailor and your innkeeper, they'll all be set for fucking life! Okay, someone's pretty daughter gets dragged off by kobolds every other night, but hey, you've cornered the lucrative adventurer market. Just buy another one! I bet this is why NPCs in RPG peasant villages never move from a single spot directly in front of their place of business; if they move, all the adventurer money in their pockets will pull their trousers down. Presumably, they pay a helper gnome to come along every morning to shovel breakfast cereal into their mouths. [123] Darksiders [ edit ] Here are the combos you will need to know to master Darksiders: The Chump Chop (square), The Double Chump Chop (square, square), and The Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha (square, square, square). War has absolutely no personality; he's a great big brick that gets in fights, going about things with an air of cold, angsty dispassion. He doesn't seem to give a toss about anything he does, so why should I? And what right does War have to be angsty about his life? He's fucking War! He's never had to queue up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer; he just breaks things! If I were War, and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling; I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!" [124] Bayonetta [ edit ] I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of sages and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a Harry Potter scarf who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old Pac-Man storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH! [125] Dark Void [ edit ] After two years of this, I thought I was immune to being disappointed by games. Whoops, that's my entire opinion on Dark Void given away in one sentence, isn't it? But stick with me, there's more to this! It's not that I went into Dark Void thinking it would be good, because I don't go into any games thinking they'll be good. If I have to search through a dumpster for a lost wedding ring, I could try to convince myself that the dumpster will be full of cakes and freshly-picked flowers, but I'll only be fooling myself. Dark Void is a dumpster that appeared to be full of rusty dog food tins, but once I got in I realized they were actually delicious novelty cakes made to look like rusty dog food tins. But then once I started eating them, I discovered that the icing was made from wallpaper paste and cyanide, and that's why I feel it let me down. I wonder if the Geneva Convention covers torturing metaphors? [126] Borderlands [ edit ] Alright! Fine! For fuck's sake! I'll review Borderlands if it'll make you shut up! Except it won't, will it? We both know nothing can do that short of surgically removing your fucking jaw. And even then you can still drool down my ear. I suppose this is geared to the mumorpuger crowd, who are well known for putting up with all the samey grind in the world if it means they get experience points and fancy weapons with blue names at the end of it. I've had a great idea for a game these people would love. It comes with a special USB glove peripheral and you get one experience point for each time you punch yourself in the face! And it might be true that it becomes tolerable if you do it with some friends around, but so is dying of bowel cancer. And that way they might even feel obliged to take you sky diving! [127] Mass Effect 2 [ edit ] The writing's solid, but then Bioware don't score points for that anymore. Birds fly, fish swim, Michael Attkinson molests dogs, and Bioware games have good writing. But when the characters deliver the dialogue, they always come down with the "Bioware face" -- that uncanny valley-esque look of oddness because the voices and the physical movements are created separately. You can almost see them going over their stage directions in their heads: "Hello, Commander Shepard (wave hand). I heard you might show up today (nod head). How about those freaky aliens, eh (shake fist, grr grr, slightly racist undercurrent)?" So Mass Effect 2 is very well-written and epic and immersive and all that, but gameplay-wise, it's still flailing around like a neurotic twenty-something checkout girl trying to find the right combination of hats and dresses. They discarded the ugly yellow sunhat of vehicle sections, and tried on the frumpy brown frock of resource mining and it's still not quite working. For Mass Effect 3 - and I know there will be a Mass Effect 3 because the loading screens rather unsubtly remind you to hang onto your save games - they should try bringing back the planet surface exploration, but let you navigate the terrain with jetpacks! And populate it with giant wolves that shoot lasers out of their mouths! If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play EVE Online! [128] Dante's Inferno [ edit ] The Divine Comedy really does paint God as a little bit, "Two choir boys short of a molestation racket," if all that Old Testament business didn't already tip you off. "Hey!" says God, "I've made it so it feels really really good to stick certain body parts together and jiggle them around, and hard-wired your brain to want to do it pretty much twenty-four/seven between the ages of thirteen and seventy. But if you actually do it without a special permission slip from the church, then I'm going to light you on fire! And that's just in purgatory. If you also didn't spend every Sunday reminding me what a level-headed and, if I may say so, strikingly handsome fellow I am, then I'm also going to staple your cock shut and feed you to a wolf." You have one set of upgrades for holy experience and one for unholy . "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" you might say. "Moral choice system, hmmm?" "Well, not really," I would reply. "More a violent option or equally violent but better spirited option." "And I suppose," you would continue, "that since holy points are slightly harder to get that holy upgrades would be slightly better, and that it all might be leading toward some alternative ending scenario where too many damnations land you a big, fat, steaming two-bedroom apartment made of poo and sawblades on the Ninth Circle ?" "No," say I. "I presume that was the original intention, but I guess they used up the ending cinematic budget rendering Dante's hairy bum (spoiler alert) and the upgrade tracks are pretty much equivocal." "So what's the point of having two separate experience levels?" you ask. "Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night," I say. "Why is that?" you ask. "It beats the fuck out of me!" [129] BioShock 2 [ edit ] So the wallpaper paste-squirting bean counters from 2K asked themselves what was a popular aspect of BioShock 1 we could focus on in the sequel in order to wring as many pennies as we can out of the property, and someone said "The Big Daddies of course! I think you should get to play as one." "What?" said someone else. "Those haunting monstrous things that trudge around as if they can barely support their own weight? Those tragic figures reduced to single-function robots with no trace of humanity left that seem to embody the downfall of the city as a whole? That's a stupid fucking idea, it'd be like a sequel to Half-Life where you get to play as a gun turret." [130] Aliens vs. Predator [ edit ] This is Aliens vs. Predator, though, so there are Predators too, who show up now and then to a chorus of "What the fuck was that?" from nearby human NPCs. And I'm waiting for someone to reply, "It's a fucking Predator , you moron; the human race has only encountered them like fifty times. Did no one document anything? Didn't at least one survivor put an entry on his fucking LiveJournal ? Or did we use up all the data storage media recording all these fucking audio logs?" It's not even that scary because, current generation graphics being what they are, the Aliens all have this wet glisten effect that make them easy to spot, like they're adorned with Christmas lights. That's when they even bother to show up. There's a fine line between atmospheric pacing and just having fuck all happen. Half an hour in, I'd gone to three or four empty control rooms to press magic plot continuation buttons, and was starting to wonder if the Aliens hadn't gone to the wrong address or something. The side quest is to collect audio logs, and they're all the usual suspects: Passive-aggressive man who complains about how the guys running the place are all evil and stupid, hysterical man in a cupboard who gets abruptly cut off by grisly noises, and that one very credulous fellow who starts worshiping the aliens as gods, and who will probably end up deliberately sucking on a face hugger, nature's communion wafer. [131] Heavy Rain [ edit ] Heavy Rain is the spiritual sequel to Fahrenheit (aka Indigo Prophecy, aka Baron Von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure) and is presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Now, say what you like about Fahrenheit - thank you, I think I will; it was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally halfway through, but say what you like about Fahrenheit - at least stuff happened in it! Game starts: BOOM - you stabbed a bloke, you've got thirty seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. Meanwhile, Heavy Rain starts: You wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while, your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you stab your kids with a knife! (Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen.) Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch and the entire fucking apple tree! [132] Battlefield Bad Company 2 [ edit ] With the Battlefield series being so snipe-happy, gameplay becomes akin to crouching behind a desk trying to read a Where's Wally book from the house across the street. And every time you raise your head to look at it for longer than two seconds, you're savaged by a flock of vampire bats. And occasionally you fail to notice that the truckasaurus has chewed a perfectly square-shaped hole in the wall of your house that has permitted the ingress of a raging panther. Perhaps "Realistic Shooter" isn't the right term for games like Bad Company 2. In a truly realistic shooter, you'd get shot once, then laid up for six months before the hospital you're in gets blown up by an IED and you're forced to crawl to safety with half a leg missing before getting shot by twitchy border patrolmen. All of which is preceded by about six months of doing push-ups with a load of sweaty people you're not allowed to make love to. A better name for the Modern Warfare thing would be: Deranged Paranoid Power Fantasy For Right-Wing Shut-ins Who Would Blow Their Own Nuts Off The Moment They Were Handed An Actual Firearm And Probably Already Have Done...shooter. [133] Final Fantasy XIII [ edit ] It seems we're already assembling the usual Final Fantasy character archetype pick 'n mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and of course the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context. It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something. Some people have told me that FF13 gets good about twenty hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for twenty hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display - lots of garish colour and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. I played Final Fantasy XIII because I am an unbiased critic (shut up I am!) and I must give everything a chance to surprise me. After five hours, the only thing that surprised me was how I managed that much without chewing off my own face! [134] God of War III [ edit ] I've always liked Kratos , although I suspect he wouldn't like me because I'm alive. In a medium saturated with generic, dark-haired, clear-skinned, hypocritically violent, self-righteous white boys assigned the role of hero by virtue of being the handsomest guy in the plot - usually voiced by Nolan North - it's nice to play an admittedly ugly hate-ridden fuck with no heroic qualities and who crushes people's skulls against jagged rocks as a form of greeting. I'd like to see Nathan Drake get locked in a room with Kratos, see how far smug wisecracks get him when his head is getting sandwiched between a concrete floor and a foot that kicks so much ass that it permanently smells of farts. [136] Red Steel 2 [ edit ] I've got to admit, this is probably the best motion-control combat I've seen on the Wii. Of course, it still isn't very good. It's like being the best at jerking off to your sister in the shower, you only won because no one else entered and you probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. Now it must be said, Nintendo really don't think much of you. The fact that they actually released Wii Music rather than, say, murdered the creator and burned all his writing speaks well enough to that. Not only does Red Steel 2 insist upon making you play a tutorial for every single new move you learn, but it won't be satisfied until you can demonstrate it five or six times! And it shows a little video of a non-threatening attractive young white person doing the motions in case you jammed a sensor bar up your nose and forgot what words mean. [137] Just Cause 2 [ edit ] How To Be a Video Games Journalist, Lesson 37: Using Game Titles for Puns and Cutting Swiftian Jibes. A game name like Just Cause is absolute gold for the reviewer since it can mean both "a just cause", a righteous agenda, or the phrase "just because", a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior. The opportunity for puns is obvious. Why would you steal a passenger jet and fly it directly up the bum hole of a sunbathing prostitute? Just cause! Praise and large quantities of gamer pussy will swiftly follow. However, this pun is so obvious that every game journalist and their cat and their cat's squeaky toy will have used it, so you may have to post-modernly draw attention to that fact at the start of your review so everyone assumes you're using the joke ironically. Remember, the ironic gamer pussy is just as soft and lovely as the regular kind. Next week on How To Be a Video Games Journalist: Digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ball-point pen. Just Cause 2 is a game for fucking around. You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up. So the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. [138] Silent Hill: Shattered Memories [ edit ] The unique feature of the game is that it psychologically profiles you as you play, altering itself to fuck with your head better, which I was dubious about. Who you are in a game is a very different person to who you are in real life, a sort of high-functioning autistic you probably wouldn't want to leave your children with. If I go into a ladies lavatory for example, in real life it would be to sniff the seats for some illicit sexual thrill, but in a game it's because I want to make sure someone didn't leave first-aid kits in the cistern. At the end of the game, you also get a little analysis of your personality that I'm not convinced is not just a random selection of newspaper horoscopes. After my first playthrough it declared I was, "Fastidiously clean and tidy," which is true, that when there are three garbage bags in the kitchen waiting to be taken down to the bins, I can't rest until they've been diligently ignored; "Family oriented," with explains why I live twelve thousand miles away from anyone remotely related to me and never write; and, "Possibly crap in bed." ...Moving on. [139] Splinter Cell: Conviction [ edit ] Speaking as a foreigner, who the fuck would want to take over the United States? It'd be like trying to keep a giant, diseased ape in your apartment that eats money and suffers from life threatening obesity and constant diarrhea but viciously savages you every time you try to give it free health care. Here is a brief list of things that these professional soldiers, guards and career mercenaries have never been trained not to do: stand facing each other and jabber about how much they hate democracy and apple pie and the smiles on little babies' faces instead of guarding the fucking room; give away their position every five paces by screaming out personal insults at the professional killer they can't see but know for a fact is in the room currently training his sights at their big flapping potty mouths; after catching a glimpse of said professional killer unload every clip they have in the spot where he used to be with their backs to about twelve different entry points; and walk around in circles repeatedly checking for the professional killer in the same square yard of floor space, loudly announcing their discoveries with each revolution. Of course none of this eclipses the stupidity of going up against Sam Fisher in the first place, when he's the one who got most of the solitary brain cell that everyone had to share. [140] Nier [ edit ] ...I must say, it's gratifying to see that the game is named after the sound I make when asked to describe it. "Neeeeyyaaar" is in actuality the name of the main character, the guy on the box who looks a bit like Emmett Brown wearing his underpants on his face. I only found this out later though because, before the game tells you his name, it asks you if you can come up with a better one. And thus began the adventures of "Twattycake," defender of the innocent. You know how in some RPGs you start off in your lovely idyllic green-grass home village where smiling neighbors bid you how-do-you-do and which is virtually guaranteed to get Hiroshima-fied before the second act? Well, Nier is like that but never quite gets as far as the second bit. Frankly I wish it would. Here we have a stalwart fighter who, in between fighting cosmic death beasts from beyond the veil of time and space, has to repeatedly run back home to water his melons, spend quality time with his child and see if anyone needs him to run down the shops to buy them a healing potion and a Mars Bar. It's one of those games that seeks to challenge the notion that gamers need to get a life by attempting to simulate one. [141] Dead to Rights: Retribution [ edit ] In case you never played the first game , here's a Dead to Rights Recap: BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! WOOF! It's the kind of over-the-top balls-to-the-teeth action that I honestly can't tell if it's being deliberately camp or if it was written by a paranoid NRA member shaking off a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers. You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for answers, and he's letting his gun do the talking, and his gun only knows one very loud word! [142] Monster Hunter Tri [ edit ] Actually, speaking of the title, we should probably drop the word "Monster" as well since you usually just kill blameless wildlife that only attacks because you're invading its territory or you just pushed a sharpened stick down the ear of its favorite child. But I guess calling it "Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of..." Oh fuck it, let's just call it "YOU BASTARD!" [143] Alan Wake [ edit ] The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. It's just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. It's like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when he's around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop. But I suppose there are lots of horror stories that wouldn't exist at all if people never made bad decisions in them, and Alan Wake is certainly all about bad decisions; bad combat, bad narration, good atmosphere. Picture an elegantly decorated house through which soft classical music plays and occasionally an obese man in a Halloween mask charges through it swinging a football rattle and screaming at the top of his voice. He's weirdly fascinating for the first few laps, but then he pulls down your curtains and shits on a doily. [144] Red Dead Redemption [ edit ] You know Rockstar , you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. When I said that all the cars in GTA IV handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out The Lost and Damned which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats, and the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple-somersault head injury fairy. "Alright then," said Rockstar. "Here's The Ballad of Gay Tony , where every other mission is helicopter-based." But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side. "Alright then motherfucker!" said Rockstar. "Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorized vehicles at all! Are you happy now?!" To which I reply, "My horse appears to be lodged in a wall!" It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side. It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle -- or, more appropriately, drunk! And when your character is drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint, fired into their face with a shotgun. [145] Alpha Protocol [ edit ] ...What's important is that, however you play him, Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour. The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes - a professional by-the-book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blew off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its nether hole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a high-brow film critic archly dismissing the latest superhero blockbuster as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal. [146] Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands [ edit ] Overall, there's just something terribly cynical about Forgotten Sands that makes me uneasy. It's all so by-the-numbers - when the large bull-like enemy was introduced, I instantly paused the game and announced, "This enemy will charge at me but, if I dodge out of the way at the last second, it will run into a wall and stun itself." Then I unpaused the game and thus were proven my powers of clarivoyance. It seems like, if you've completed a trilogy and, lest we forget, rebooted the fucking thing, going back to mine the last game you were sure was good just isn't very classy, like stealing leftovers from the bins outside an upmarket restaurant and serving them to your dinner guests. Plus it was brought out to capitalize on a film , and films are a load of old cobblers. See, Roger Ebert , that's what it feels like! [147] E3 2010 [ edit ] Let me make my position clear - gaming should be about games, not about controllers. Controllers as they stand are a perfectly adequate conduit for connecting man to machine by way of thumbs. It doesn't matter if A Tale of Two Cities is printed on the side of a horse, or if every other word is in Greek, what matters is that Sydney Carton sacrifices himself for Charles Darnay at the end (spoiler alert). Delude yourself all you like with videos of happy families in pastel-coloured shirts spending quality time with bouncy-castle simulators, but in the long term people want to play games the same way they want to read books or watch TV: slouched on the settee with a big bag of Malteasers. How on earth do you think forcing them to do a sit-up every now and again is going to revolutionize entertainment? [148] No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle [ edit ] No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle has finally gotten past the border patrol of the PAL territories and having played through it I can confidently state that there is absolutely no worry of Suda 51 getting more mature. At some point between Nomeroes 1 and Nomeroes 2, someone introduced him to the concept of jiggle physics and thus has begun a friendship to last a lifetime. The fact that all the women in the game wear fetish outfits and are either in love with you or have to be bloodily murdered with your giant throbbing sci-fi memorabilia does feel a little bit backward. I wouldn't usually have a problem, but I thought I'd express disapproval so I don't get stabbed by Rebecca Mayes . [149] Super Mario Galaxy 2 [ edit ] Okay, so Bowser kidnapping the princess is sort of traditional, like hanging drawing and quartering. And when Mario Galaxy 1 did it, I figured, "Well, fair enough, they're introducing the concept to all the new audience of casual gamer shitheads that the Wii suckered in -- each of which I am prepared to personally seal away in some kind of medieval oubliette -- but whatever, we play the cards we're dealt." But Mario Galaxy 2 doesn't have that excuse. It seems reasonable to me that the chief audience for Galaxy 2 is people who played Galaxy 1, but the game seems to assume you didn't, or at least it sincerely hopes you didn't. Mario himself seems confused on the Wii menu: "Super Mario Galaxiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" he shrieks, omitting the incremental digit. I guess the fanbase will get the franchise it deserves, but is this really all you want? Yes, there are games I like, games I love, do I want to play a new installment of the same thing every few years? NO! The fastest way to spoil your pleasures is to make them routine. Variety is the spice of life and status quo is the starch. The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity, or to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, The Simpsons has been running for 21 seasons and hasn't been good since the fifth. I would rather see things evolve, and before any defenders of motion controllers get in touch, evolve in ways that aren't stupid! [150] Singularity [ edit ] Let's face it: Real history is boring. It's just a load of idiots eating too much of a cow and killing each other over which nostril Christ was breathing out of on the cross. So I can understand the appeal of alternate history fiction. Imagine if the Persians had won the Battle of Salamis , the present day would be almost completely the same! Or if King John had signed the Magna Carta while wearing bunny ears! The possibilities are endless! So why in the name of bollock burgers do we keep coming back to the same alternate history where the Cold War escalated!? ...Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire . If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that -- someone left a note. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around "Big Hank". Stripped of its rather pointless gimmick, Singularity is a game that can't decide if it wants to be Bioshock, Half life, or Timeshift, and is inferior to all three. Bioshock is probably the game it was sitting directly behind in the exam room; with audio logs and the RPG elements and E99 instead of ADAM as all-porpouse plot dietary fiber. It's even got those cute 50's public information cartoons that Bioshock ripped off from Fallout . It's like a magnificent human centipede stretching though gaming history. [151] Crackdown 2 [ edit ] I've got nothing against multiplayer as a concept, but you shouldn't try to make it carry a game because there are logistical problems. Me and my friends have enough trouble splitting the bill after pizza, and navigating labyrinths of lobbies and servers is rarely worth the effort when everyone would rather just stick Guitar Hero on. And joining random online gaming is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play Scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum! [152] DeathSpank & Limbo [ edit ] The final question I suppose is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronize the arts now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of Limbo. But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy-brand kind of entertainment, then order out for a barbecue Meat Lover's with a two-liter Coke and try DeathSpank. Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something bland and unchallenging , then why not try eating a dick. [153] Shadow of the Colossus [ edit ] Shadow of the Colossus is usually filed under "action-adventure" like everything else that's hard to classify, but really it defies genre. The gameplay is divided between adventuring alone through the silent wilderness and the sixteen tussles with monsters so large you could hollow out their carcasses and repurpose them as low-income housing. In the former, everything is peaceful and contemplative with no combat and no puzzling besides navigating the occasional mountain that sits obliviously between you and your destination like a fat guy at a cinema. And in the latter, everything is noisy and intense like you're playing Hungry Hungry Hippos backstage at a Dragonforce gig. It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. [154] Split/Second: Velocity [ edit ] Which brings me to Split Second: Velocity, or rather Split Stroke Second, 'cause that's how it's written . So what the fuck does that mean, Disney Interactive Studios, Split or Second? Do we have to pick one? Or does the game alternate being themed around standard units of time measurement and serving suggestions for bananas? Anyway, it's an extreme racing game... you do know the hyphen is the horizontal one right? Look down, it's right next to the zero. I know it's hard to focus when Mickey Mouse is badgering you for results, but honestly! [155] Transformers: War for Cybertron [ edit ] What I don't get is why people are so protective of Transformers when literally the only reason it existed was not to enrich or inspire you but to sell you gimmicky toys. Hey, fanboys! Transformers only loved you as long as you had limited control of your parents disposable income. It's like you were all hooked up to milking machines, but instead of complaining you all painted you milking machines different colors and put stickers on them and argued over whose milking machine was best! But I suppose these days the entire entertainment industry regards most individuals as nothing more than a bit consuming mouth wearing designer jeans full of money so, what the fuck? Transformers: War for Cybertron gather around and consume away, you big jeans wearing mouth cattle things. People will say I didn't like the game because I don't care about Transformers - well, the point is this was the game's chance to make me care about Transformers and it cocked it up! Tie-in games in the past have been good enough on their own merits to make me interested in the subject matter. All I'm seeing here is a bunch of tumble dryers bumping into each other under overblown disco lighting! [156] Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days [ edit ] ...Reflect on what huge masochists the developers of Kane and Lynch must be, famously having gotten Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot for not realizing that the Gamespot Super-Sellout Saver advertising package included a free happy ending on the review table. Solidarity therefore was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review Kane and Lynch 1, with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of "couldn't be arsed." But now Kane and Lynch 2 is out, I sincerely hope the publishers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time because, if they do, there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or to put that another way, Kane and Lynch 2 is worse than deep-fried tampons! [157] Mafia II [ edit ] Why does society insist on demonizing organized crime ? We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a nobbing but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me? I'm not sure why Mafia 2 and indeed Mafia 1 felt they needed to be open world because they're both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions, and largely the only activity available between missions is schlepping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job, to which I would say, "Piss off!" This is a game. Games are fun. I want to knob prostitutes while singing songs from Bugsy Malone, and say "Fugged abahd it" without irony! [158] Metroid: Other M [ edit ] Of the many expressionless drones robo-Samus excretes from her mouth pipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed. [in an expressionless drone:] "From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something." Oh, yes, and there's this murder mystery plot set up early on. Six different members of a military squad are introduced and established with names and slightly anemic personalities. But then it transpires that there's a traitor among them, picking them off. You even have a boss fight with him, his face cunningly concealed by camera angles and bits of scenery. So, do you want to know who the traitor turns out to be? ...So the fuck would I, because the game kind of forgets about this whole subplot and hopes you do, too. "Hey, wasn't there some intrigue from the first half of the game we were supposed to be resolving, Metroid Story Writer A?" "Doesn't ring a bell, Metroid Story Writer B. Now let's make Samus' suit fall off again so everyone can see her bum." On an educated guess though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache. [159] Amnesia: The Dark Descent [ edit ] You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First there's the kind where you're in dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going, "Abloogy woogy woo!" That would be your Doom 3 . Then there's the kind where the guy in a spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's gonna go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't wanna turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye! That would be your Silent Hill 2 . And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes, "Abloogy woogy woo," while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room, before walking slowly over to you, plucking a violin, and then slapping you in the face with a T-bone steak. That would be your Dead Space . It's quite a while before you even glimpse a monster, and let me just transcribe my thought process at the time: "Dum-de-dum, well, this isn't very scary. Oh, look! Physics. I can throw chairs around like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-a-rama. Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here, either; I'll just go back and... Whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? AAGGH, RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP, OH PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!!" [160] Halo: Reach [ edit ] ...Everyone in this prequel seems to be fully aware of their ultimately doomed status, too. No one's particularly surprised when the Covenant do show up (with incidentally all human characters immediately being totally familiar with the operation of Covenant weapons and vehicles; you'd almost think they'd just built this game off the engine of a previous one or something), and the story is focused on a small commando unit whose members spend the entire game having a prolonged "Who can have the noblest death?" competition. Oh come on, this isn't a spoiler! They wouldn't characterize this many NPCs if they weren't going to pick them off like After Eight mints. The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain , what the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit hot? [161] Dead Rising 2 [ edit ] What I like about it is that it's a true watercooler game, and I'm not talking about all that Facebook game bollocks where you can boast to all your friends because you stuck a radish up an imaginary cow's arse. You get together with your other Dead Rising 2-playing mates and you can discuss for hours what combos you found, boss-fighting tactics, and where to find the chainsaws and mankinis. Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover similar tastes in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [162] Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions [ edit ] Shattered Dimensions plays like marketing material for Marvel Comics' range of alternate Spider-Man continuities . You see, every now and again, some writer at Marvel's creativity-fueled dream factory gets bored of repeatedly typing the words, "Spider-Man punches the villain in the face," and transfers the characters to a different setting or time period, so they can instead type, "Spider-Man punches the villain in the face... in space!" [163] Castlevania: Lords of Shadow [ edit ] Normally I spend the first paragraph of these little tonsil exercise sessions leading into things with some rambling spiel of only borderline relevance , like maybe in this case wondering aloud if one could improve every Castlevania game by replacing Dracula with "The Count from Sesame Street" -- although probably not Symphony of The Night, because you'd have to rename Alucard to, "Teerts emases morf tnuoc eth [sic]." Stop me if you've heard this one before: beefy bloke with poor coping skills gets a big nark on after something kills his wife and takes it out on mythological creatures, with a weapon on the end of a chain that can do light attacks and heavy attacks. But before I can bring down my well-used 'Like God Of War But' stamp like the terrible hammer of judgment that it is, the game dodges my swing and goes "Wait! Here's something original! Every now and again you have to have thrilling boss fights with monsters so big you have to ledge-climb all over their bodies, pausing to hold on when they try to thrash you around like a little murderous nipple tassel, and chip away at their health by picking at glowing weak spots." "Say," I reply, "Another word for 'giant monster' is colossus , isn't it?" "I know what you're thinking," retorts Castlevania Lords of Shadow of the Colossus, "but we're not like that game at all! That game had sixteen colossi and we've got three! That's a completely different number!" ..."So where do you want this 'Like God of War But' stamp?" I ask after an embarrassed cough. "On my face, please." [164] Enslaved: Odyssey to the West [ edit ] If you said to me, "Sci-fi reimagining of another culture's mythology mostly concerned with robots," I would immediately think, Too Human! and punch you in the bollocks for reminding me of it . But wait! There's a new sheriff in sci-fi reimagined mythology town! Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, a post-apocalyptic action-adventure inspired by the classical Chinese epic called Journey To The West , in which the monkey king is replaced by a sweaty white guy with neck muscles like mating dolphins. Hopefully this will keep us going until someone makes Space-Pilot Jesus Christ vs. Mecha-Pontius, but don't delude yourselves - Enslaved isn't inspired by Journey To The West, is it? That is something I find considerably difficult to swallow, because the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. [165] Fallout: New Vegas [ edit ] And then I made it! I stepped out into the glittering lights of the city, the towering buildings noisy monoliths to the sheer potential of... why the fuck can't I move? The game froze up! I mean, my life froze up! I mean, all that radioactive toilet water must have given me some kind of paralysing... oh, bollocks to this. Roleplaying in Fallout 3 is difficult enough with the interface and the terrifying fixed eye-contact conversations without it bugging out as well. And it'll take more than having to stop for a sandwich and a piss every now and again to make Fallout 3 more immersive. Maybe if you ground it into powder and dissolved it in a swimming pool, but it would probably only turn the water brown. [166] Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II [ edit ] You've got to feel sorry for Star Wars fans in this day and age - when you're not mocking them or kicking them down flights of stairs, I mean. They haven't exactly rolled a double-six in the great game of life to begin with, and now the one thing that has made their existence marginally less wretched is crumbling before their very eyes like old pastry in a dishwasher. Between movies, games, books, and tea towels, the shit of Star Wars now vastly outweighs the good, which consists of the first two movies and arguably Knights of the Old Republic . Not that they'll ever admit that. It's quite entertaining to watch the level of denial die-hard Star Wars fans operate on as they try to convince you that the romance in Attack of the Clones was totally believable. To say Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had chemistry in that film is like saying that a chair stacked on another chair is a sizzlingly erotic love scene. So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify The Force Unleashed II, because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the Schindler's List Easy-Bake Oven. So: Here are all the ways you can kill people in this game, like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex. You can hit them with the lightsaber if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force-push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, then throw whatever mess remains at their mates. And you can Jedi mind-trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is incidentally hilarious. And yet, none of the enemies seem the least bit afraid of you. It's like they all went to the wrong briefing by mistake and, somewhere in the universe, a platoon of terrified SWAT officers with riot shields and machine guns are facing off against a single confused ewok. [167] Call of Duty: Black Ops [ edit ] Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!" So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: Call of Duty Black Ops, another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, "PHWOARR, eh?" And there are many moments when I just want to yell, "Time out!" and demand someone explain what the fuck's going on before another thing explodes. Because the thing about all the Call of Duty games I've played lately is that they all seem to be hooked up to I.V. drips full of Pop Rocks. Black Ops just can't calm the fuck down. If five seconds ever pass without a gunshot or an explosion, then it's probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit. The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you 'round the back of the head every five seconds: "GO THERE! KEEP RUNNING! TAKE COVER! NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT! THERE! SHOOT THAT GUY! NOT HIM; HE'S ON YOUR SIDE! CAN'T YOU TELL? HE'S WEARING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HAT! QUICK! PICK UP THAT GRENADE AND THROW IT BACK! I DON'T KNOW, OVER THERE SOMEWHERE! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner, that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!" You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode, and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. [168] iPhone Games [ edit ] Completing the iPhone game chart top 3 at time of writing is Fruit Ninja by Halfbrick Studios. This is about as simple as games get, there isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing. You're not exacting revenge on limbless pigs or feeding your pet bitch lizard : you're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and fuck fruit! Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. [169] Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood [ edit ] My understanding was that Asscreed as a series was about exploring various historical settings with future Desmond as a framing device. But as much as I like Ezio, my concern after two games is that we're getting bogged down with our spaghetti-scoffing friend. I hate to say it, but maybe it's time for the inevitable game entirely about future Desmond. He's still got the personality of a damp fish (which might explain what his fish-lipped girlfriend sees in him) but the other characters in the Scooby gang are actually quite appealing, especially the snarky sarcastic misanthropic British man. He really rubs me up the right way. Can't think why! [170] Splatterhouse [ edit ] Once you're mentally tuned into the Caligula mindset, the gore swiftly starts to feel repetitive and unsatisfying. One of the posters I saw for this game bore the tagline "He'll rip your head off." This is at least accurate, but it would be even more so if it were followed by the words "...and that's all he'll fucking do." In classic Wad of Gore fashion, you can grab weakened enemies to do finishing moves, and most of them just involve pulling off the closest thing it has to a head. How about a little creativity my man? That one fellow you killed by shoving your hand up his arse and pulling his rectum out was original, or at least it was before you did it fifty fucking times. That's it? Absolutely nothing between Rick and the mask gets resolved. So it might as well have just been playing classic FM into Rick's ear the whole time for all the point the foreshadowing had! It and a momentously disappointing boss fight reek of yet another game rushing things towards the end as the deadline loomed. Seems there's an obvious way to avoid this: Make the intro first, the ending second, then everything in between. That way, if anything feels rushed or cut down, it'll be one of the bits in the middle no one cares about, while the ending is what people will remember. [171] Epic Mickey [ edit ] You know, as a child, I used to have a phobia of theme park mascots. Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake (the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes). The point is, I hadn't gotten over this problem by the time I got taken to Disneyland, and the day became a tense and fearful avoidance game at the first sign of oversized cranium - culminating in paroxysms of torment when the parade rolled around. The grins! A sea of grins! Staring. Judging. Winnie the Pooh doing some foul, perverted windmill dance with his exposed forearms. No, Goofy, I don't want to taste Herman's special milk! There's this one vintage Mickey Mouse comic in which he breaks up with Minnie and spends the rest of the comic attempting suicide. I swear this is true , and it was way edgier than this! Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers was edgier than this! Fucking Kingdom Hearts was edgier than this, if only because of the usual JRPG pedophilia subtext. Two child abuse jokes and we've barely started; that never bodes well! [172] Top 5 of 2010 [ edit ] But to the yin must come the yang, to the cream must come the cheese, to the giddy high of new love must come irritable bowel syndrome. The worst game of the year, a game less substantial than a fart in an lift but no less unpleasant for those caught in its wafting cage, a game that killed its franchise so thoroughly that the only acceptable sequel would be a box containing nothing but an apology letter and some chocolates. I refer of course... to Halo: Reach. BURN! Had you going for a second there, didn't I - actually it's Fable 3 . BURNED again! No, seriously now - a game I found literally as headache-inducingly unpleasant as impacted wisdom teeth surgery in the middle of a rave. Step forward, Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days. Step onto your first place podium, and then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. [173] World of Warcraft: Cataclysm [ edit ] I asked someone who raids "Why do you raid?" "To get the best items," they said. "What do you use the best items for?" I asked, to which they could only answer "To raid with!" But it's not about items, is it? You don't honestly care if your new crystal nethersword is going to clash with your elite boss-clogs, it's about the numbers! You want the items with the best numbers so you can use your numbers to decrease the enemy numbers until your numbers are the best in the land, and all the other guilds flock to regard your numbers with jealous awe! And before you argue that lots of games are about numbers when you get down to it, no one ever ruined their lives to get 100 percent items in Super Metroid! [174] Fable 3 [ edit ] I think I've realized what I don't like about Fable: it's essentially fascist. Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing out-of-touch mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it Dirty Dancing. [175] Minecraft [ edit ] This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. "See those trees?" it would begin by saying. "Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the exploding bush monsters go away." It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge. [176] A Shadow's Tale [ edit ] One late game mechanic is magic archways that let you temporarily turn back into a physical object, but I'd noticed several of those archways on various levels before you acquire this power. Oh, you're going to make me backtrack aren't you, you little bastard? Sure enough, after however many samey boring levels it took to get to the top of the tower, I then had to go back through some samey boring tedious levels to gather some items to open up another set of samey boring tedious interminable levels, which I thought would be the end but then some more samey boring tedious interminable prosaic levels started up, and even reading this sentence is becoming samey, boring, tedious, interminable, prosaic and when does this fucking game end?! There are many ways to analyze a game, but uttering that sentence aloud never shines a positive light. [177] Dead Space 2 [ edit ] Now if I were a paranoid man (which I'm not, whatever people have been saying about me), I'd say Dead Space has started deliberately trying to provoke me. The very first thing that happens in Dead Space 2 is a bloke turning into a Necromorph, fully illuminated and literally six inches away from your face, then it grabs you by the lapels and screams at you while his eyes pop out. This is the horror equivalent of a small child banging its head on a wall so you pay it attention. "HEY LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU SCARED YET?! WHAT IF ALL THE SKIN ROLLED OFF MY FACE, ARE YOU SCARED NOW?! AAAAAAHHH!! DOING THIS REALLY HURTS ACTUALLY!! AAAAAAHHH!! I CURRENTLY REPRESENT A THREAT IN AN EXTREMELY UNSPECIFIC WAY!! AAAAAAHHH!!" [178] DC Universe Online [ edit ] Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives , whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time (no they don't say how, put your arm down!) and brings a warning to two rodeo clowns and a prostitute . Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave. [179] Mindjack [ edit ] Cover-based shooting is a little dry and overdone, even if it's perfectly executed, and the only way to perfectly execute Mindjack would be with a lethal injection. Once you've persuaded little Jimmy Meathead to take cover rather than perform roly-polys in front of the chosen wall, he has a terrible habit of firing into it, and at one point I couldn't see where I was shooting because the ammo counter on the side of the gun was in the way. Can't see the killing for my gun; how philosophical. [180] Two Worlds II [ edit ] As is fairly typical of western RPGs , once you actually start playing, the establishing plot gets swiftly dog-piled under a labyrinth of side quests and intermediary objectives. And within a matter of hours I paused to reflect while escorting an old man into the sewer to make a trade with some underground organization on behalf of a crime lord so he'll eventually tell me about some tower that the orcs seemed really keen for me to visit, and realized that I'd completely forgotten how any of it related to the overarching possessed-princess/dark-lord motivation that I still don't get what was going on there! This is always the part of western RPGs I have difficulty with because I always lose the sense of flow. After a few quests and a particularly financially ruinous trip to the armor shop, I find myself floating around a peasant village dressed like a dandy cutlery drawer with no smegma-chugging idea of what to do next! [181] Bulletstorm [ edit ] Thank Christ for companies like Epic , for games like Gears of War , that popularized fat space marines trundling between chest-high walls like they're in wheelchairs. But in 2004, a company called People Can Fly shirked modern trends to create Painkiller , a fast, frantic and shamingly fun evocation of the bygone age and one of my favorite shooters of all time . "Wow!" said Epic. "You really showed us how it's done, People Can Fly. Why don't you step over here for a second? Come on, don't be shy, we're not going to hurt you... NOW! DROP THE NET! HIT THEM WITH STICKS! Phew, nipped that one in the bud!" So now that People Can Fly have been roundly whipped into line , they and Epic Games can bring you Bulletstorm, a game about fat space marines. [182] Killzone 3 [ edit ] Pardon me for being detestably predicable, but I'm now going to complain about how all the bad guys in Killzone are British. Because someone should get pissed off about this, and it might as well be me. I stood up for the Russians when I reviewed all those cold war fantasist wank games , and I don't even know any Russians! I'm fine with that thing where the big villain is a posh British guy, because let's face it, cooing at rainbows sounds evil when you do it in a posh British accent. It's only when you make all the evil soldiers cockneys that you enter the prejudice parade. Cockney doesn't sound evil! It sounds honest and cheeky-chips loveable! You couldn't picture Dick Van Dyke hiding in the bushes in a park, popping children's balloons with a blowpipe! You might say I'm making too much of a fuss, but someone on the dev team at some point said to themselves, "We have a race whose every individual member is so morally bankrupt that players will feel perfectly justified in splattering them painfully against the scenery. Now how do we bring that across in a sort of vocal short hand"? And the most bitter pill to swallow is that they look like Nazis. We helped defeat the Nazis! Maybe we won't next time, America. Maybe after China buys you and puts you all to work in the sweat shops and you crawl to Europe for help, we'll go; "Hmm, well, we would but apparently we're evil, so, hands tied." Anyway, let it never be said that I'm some ignorant Loom -smashing Luddite, because I started playing Killzone 3 not only with the PlayStation Move controls but also with the 3D option on my new massive 3D TV that I bought with all my ad revenue money (much obliged, Internet!) The motion controls didn't last ten minutes. After calibrating (Calibrating, fuck! Starting a game these days is like starting up a fucking cruise liner), the aim was wavery and difficult, I didn't know where they'd moved all the buttons to, and my big red glowing controller was reflecting in the screen and giving people hilarious clown noses! So, after getting sniped silly for a while, that went out the window and I took up a nice sensible SIXAXIS which didn't stop the game from throwing in motion-controlled turny switches whenever it could get away with it. The 3D held out a bit longer - yeah, things in the foreground were getting all prominent and shit but everything from the middle distance on looked like a big flat matte backdrop like the game was taking place in a puppet theater. After a while I turned it off and suddenly I was astounded by the detail in a nearby wood texture now that I wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. Things ten feet away stopped popping in all the time and my dog came back to life! So fuck modern technology right in its cutting edge! Ow! [183] Kirby's Epic Yarn [ edit ] Obviously the game starts about as challenging as a polystyrene prison, but over time it remembers its heritage and gains a few teeth. A Meta Knight boss fight in particular - and I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby. [184] Dragon Age II [ edit ] Before a subtitle can be thought up we need to determine exactly what Dragon Age II is about. Much like the first one , it's all about the representative messages, and can't go five minutes without someone being really heavy-handedly racist against mages, elves, dwarves, goldfish et cetera, which is why I find it somewhat ironic that you're only allowed to play as a human this time around. When the first game let you pick from an entire Burger King Kids' Club of races and backstories, here you're always a human with the surname "Hawke," so to compensate for the lack of choice other characters can actually address you by name. Whoop di fuckin' do . And I'd just like to point out that this is quite a long game, so being a male character with the first name Ethan is going to stop being funny very fast. [185] Pokemon White [ edit ] In an alternative world in which the school system is regarded with universal contempt, children are encouraged to roam the wildnerness siccing wild animals on every motherfucker who crosses their field of vision. You know in the intro to Syndicate Wars where the lad who lives in the dystopian nightmare city has this chip in his head that makes him think he's living in picturesque small town America? I like to think the protagonists of Pokemon all have the same chips and in reality are exploring various murky basements with a sack full of rats and mangy attack dogs. [186] Yakuza 4 [ edit ] The amount of modern Japanese culture that gets worked in makes me wonder if it's not actually aimed at foreign tourists. The equivalent would be a British game in which you play a Bobby in ol' London town, healing up by eating fish 'n' chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles. [187] Crysis 2 [ edit ] An aspect of the plot I actually liked is that Alcatraz is basically a collection of broken bones and ruptured organs held together with spit, and the suit is acting as some combination iron lung and wheelchair and is the only reason he's still upright, and nowhere is this more apparent than when you've run out of suit power in the middle of a pitched battle, and are trying to waddle behind a bit of wall like you've just caced your pants. It's refreshing to see an unstoppable action protagonist who also comes across as vulnerable and tragic. Nathan Drake could perch his rectum on the top of a flagpole and wisecrack all the way down to the floor, and he still wouldn't be an ounce as sympathetic as a silent protagonist who has essentially been reduced to a load of beef stew in an thermos flask. [188] Nintendo 3DS [ edit ] So with motion controls on the way out - my theory is that if I keep saying that it will become more and more true - Nintendo needed to get started on next week's wage packet. The interesting thing about Nintendo is that they're kind of like Nicolas Cage in that they don't do middle ground, they're either doing really well or shitting a hole straight through the bed. When they get bored of making solid Mario platformers and attracting a strong user base, they create consoles that make your eyes explode and license Team Ninja to make Metroid games . 3D may be an utterly pointless gimmick that adds about as much to games as putting glittery rainbow stickers on the cover , but will the 3DS be what changes all that? Well, sort of, in that now the glittery rainbow sticker is in a small wooden box and you have to look at it through a hole. [189] Portal 2 [ edit ] Portal is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in. It's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people. In the time since then and the release of Portal 2, you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for Portal 1: it's got the worst fucking fans in the world. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinion with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word "cake," and the good thing in question can never be the same again. This is technically known as the "Knights Who Say Ni" Effect. Fortunately, I eventually found where all the actual puzzles were hiding; they're in the co-op campaign which I played through with one of my fat friends. With the addition of two extra portals to play around with, the puzzles are bigger and better and satisfying to solve through teamwork. If you need to swiftly make friends with someone, like a future father-in law or armed burglar, then you couldn't find a better ice breaker. I just don't think it has any replay value whatsoever. If you played it again with another fat friend, you'd just get sick of lugging the ball and chain around and they'd resent you for not letting them figure shit out on their own. So, make doubly sure that your armed burglar isn't an avid PC gamer. [190] Castlevania: Symphony of the Night [ edit ] Visually, Symphony of the Night is dense as all shit , but then it was on the PS1 . With the advent of CDs for console gaming, games suddenly had lots of disc space to spread their elbows out, and a lot of developers used that to have FMVs up the butt or make games in that hideous first-generation 3D that looked like origami modeling with used toilet paper. But Symphony of the Night stuck to 2D and completely tarted itself up, and it's still niceer to look at than the many incarnations of Captain Greybrown Loadsofbloom . [191] Mortal Kombat [ edit ] I am frankly flabbergasted that a game like Mortal Kombat can seriously be considered relevant in this day and age, at a time when fighting games are thought to have humiliated themselves if they don't show up with their roster filling at least two school buses, Mortal Kombat should by rights have been kneecapped for showing up with only seven playable fighters, two of which being the same guy wearing different coloured jumpers. And while fully-rendered graphics might be a little overkill for a 2D fighter, using photo cutouts of people in costumes has got to be the most ghetto-fucking solution short of cutting out pencil doodles on the sides of milk cartons. And what I understand least of all is why everyone is saying this game is a new release when Wikipedia quite clearly states that it came out in August 1992...oh, do you know what I've done? I've got Mortal Kombat, the 2011 release, confused with Mortal Kombat, the game from 20 years ago with the same exact name ! Do you see how confusing this gets?! [192] Brink [ edit ] Incidentally I'd like to invite fans of Brink to take a shot every time I mention Team Fortress 2 - hopefully by the end of this video you won't feel so poorly disposed towards me. You know how Team Fortress 2 (take a shot) introduced optional hats and unlockables that did nothing but mess with perfectly good visual design like a bunch of jelly beans sprinkled on a wedding cake? Well, Bethesda saw this and cried, "Valve will never outdo us when it comes to making bad decisions! Fully customizable outfits for everyone! You won't even be able to fucking see the wedding cake behind the jelly beans!" You want to know the ironic thing, though? Even with this feature, every character looks exactly the bloody same. That's failing to a new level. That's like standing on a rake and the end of the rake has a grenade taped to it. [193] L.A. Noire [ edit ] Mind you, it's not exactly a brain-melter to deduce whether someone's lying or not. This is the inherent problem when you tell your mo-cap actor, "Look like you're lying , and I know you're acting and therefore lying all the time, so this time exaggerate it," so of course they're going to spin their eyes like fruit machines and shift around like someone's trying to work an ant farm up their bum. The much-touted realistic facial animation is indeed very impressive and you can often clearly recognize the real-world actor who did the mo-cap, such as TV's Greg Grunberg ! But while the faces are very realistic and well-animated, somewhat less attention has been afforded to the bodies, with the usual game problem of weird-looking joints and cardboard clothes. So a rather eerie effect is created, and some characters look like Gerry Anderson finally snapped and started taping the decapitated heads of jobbing TV actors to his Captain Scarlet puppets. [194] The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings [ edit ] Amongst the 700 subcategories of inventory items you can gather like a bum with a shopping trolley are mutagens and weapon upgrades. But if you ask how you're supposed to equip them then you're committing a social faux pas again. Why do I even have an inventory screen if double-clicking on every single item makes the game slap you across the wrist and say "No, we do that from a different screen! No we won't tell you which one! And put on a fucking tie! Where were you raised, Azeroth ?!" [195] Hunted: The Demon's Forge [ edit ] The first boss fight is the most disheartening moment. Through a lengthy network of caves and dungeons (some sections of which were so fucking murky I literally ended up resorting to casting fireball everywhere just so I could see where the fuck I was going), I was buoyed by the ongoing promise of a boss fight with a giant spider that kept appearing over the horizon like the bedroom eyes of a courtesan peering coquettishly over her fan. Although it very clearly only had four legs, so I don't know why everyone kept calling it a spider. For tedious multitudes of chambers the game went "Ooh, it could be in the very next room! I guess you'll only find out if you keep going, won't you?" And then finally the giant spider found a window in its meeting schedule and chased me through a big cave for a bit before I lobbed two bombs at it and dropped a rock on its head. "Exciting!" said I, "Can I fight it now? What do you mean it's dead? What, we're just gonna move on?" I felt like I'd queued for hours to get on a roller coaster that went down one dip and then dropped you off at the gift shop. [196] Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) [ edit ] The interesting thing about Forever is that you can practically cut it in half and see the entire fourteen years of shooter evolution it's tried to keep up with, like the rings in a tree stump. It starts off campy and colorful in a SiN / Blood II: The Chosen kind of way, then it moves into the dark, sweaty unpleasant Doom 3 / Prey / Quake IV period when you go into the alien hive (and incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of The Human Centipede into the middle of Mallrats ). And by the last mission Duke has finally embraced the FPSs of today , meaning you run around a grey/brown industrial area for a while and then get a shit ending. [197] Infamous 2 [ edit ] Ya' know, it's easy to let obnoxious socialites like Duke Nukem: Forever prance about grabbing headlines, but do we stop to appreciate all the non-squeaky wheels who just work efficiently, without needing development cycles longer than the average natural lifespan of a Saint Bernard ? Everyone longs to catch the eye of that ditzy straight line block in Tetris, but no one stops to thank the workaday T-shaped block for it's diligent and efficient service. I know inFAMOUS is kind of stuck with the whole moral choice thing since the game's pretty much named after it, but no fairy godmothers have showed up since the first game to wave her wand and have it start making sense. Look, if you have two equally viable, equally difficult solutions to a problem - say, humanely suffocating your costly vegetative wife with a pillow or digging through to her femoral arteries with a cheese grater - than the evil option (which if you're having trouble keeping up is the second one) is just irrational! And you can't relate to a character whose actions don't make any fucking sense! Surely the evil option is supposed to be the more convenient but riskier one that would appeal to someone weak-willed. You could spend a lot of time and effort sprucing yourself up and trolling the bars to find someone to romance and settle down with, or you can just fuck a cow and risk angry farmers with paparazzi connections. That's a moral choice. [198] Alice: Madness Returns [ edit ] When video games have forged the new utopian society Bill and Ted-style, eventually there's going to be a war over whether to sanctify or demonize the bloke who figured out you could make cinematics by zooming in really close on the concept art... Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there! Who remembers American McGee? He was a bloke who worked on Doom and got a free ride, just like everyone else who worked on Doom. I think the bloke who made the tea for the Doom team got to make his own game. His name was John Romero-- No! Even the trademark creepy imagery seems a bit phoned in and a bit over-reliant on creepy dolls. Yes, a porcelain doll's head with no hair or eyeballs is a creepy thing, but after the five hundred millionth one they kind of get devalued in the global creep economy, falling below sweaty Uncle Dan and the feeling of another person's bum warmth on your toilet seat. [199] Shadows of the Damned [ edit ] ...For a game that seems to have set out with the plan to bring three big names together and wait for the explosion, none of the three amigos brought their A-game. Akira Yamaoka randomly smashing at his banjo strings suited the disquieting surreality of Silent Hill , but not so much a quirky action/horror game that seems to be mouthing along to a squealing heavy metal soundtrack that it doesn't have. On the gameplay side, where was the Shinji Mikami who once made a game where dozing off for one second led to you getting your head chainsawed off by a mad Spaniard? And while enough of the disposable income of the alternative crowd glimmered invitingly in the eyes of publishers for the game to be marketed with the tagline, "A Suda51 Trip," for all Shadows of the Damned's demon skull nobstitutions, this is probably the most grounded Suda51's ever been. Killer7 was a trip; this is more like a bank holiday day out to go watch someone throw horse giblets at a lingerie shop. [200] FEAR 3 [ edit ] You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your clever douchebag sequel name , it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud, as in Sesevenen and indeed Fthreear. Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell Thief 4's logo is playing at . When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an "E" with a "4?" If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times then our daughters will all be shagging Communists by this time next year. [201] The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D [ edit ] I remember Twilight Princess being too easy because it was compensating for the Wiimote being as friendly as an attack dog that's been trained to administer Chinese burns. Then again, I've been trained by all the more recent Zelda games that have really just been building on Ocarina of Time, so playing Ocarina of Time now is like a surgeon re-training as a fishmonger. I know that you should look to the side missions to replace that rat scrotum you call a coin purse, but 1998 audiences didn't. Is it fair to say that later Zelda games had better gameplay and characters with actual arcs and more personality than a lungfish in a moist bath towel, when Ocarina of Time was the template from which all those games arose? Probably not. But if you ask me, Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot. What with N64 technology being emulatable only on dried leaves and bits of old twig , Nintendo were this close to having an entire generation who might never even have known Ocarina of Time existed, and Skyward Sword might have blown their minds. [202] Call of Juarez: The Cartel [ edit ] But the AI don't go after collectibles; they usually just stand there staring at you with gormless uncomprehending eyes. They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section, if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The AI will pile into the back seat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth. And as I said, they can't aim for shit. But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes, "You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know." THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH! [203] Bastion and From Dust [ edit ] So enough with these iron-sight examination simulators, I'm going where the worlds are bleak and the heads are large for my third XBLA double bill! And with characteristic convenience, the XBLA has recently chundered up two games that both approach the theme of world-building from vastly different directions. Perhaps this speaks to some larger trend within society today, or a prevailing desire on the part of indie designers to recreate the entire world into one where you can charge more than fifteen bucks for your game design degree course work. [204] Catherine [ edit ] Video games seem to be a little bit frightened of relationships, in a curious reflection of their predominantly male and sweaty customer base. Oh, there are plenty of games that depict the commencement of a relationship, generally as a consequence of Party A rescuing Party B from a giant fire-breathing lizard thing or an evil general or their own virginity depending on the genre. Very few games are about a relationship that's already going on except when one half of it exists solely to get murdered at one point so that the other half can seek revenge without someone constantly asking them how they think jumping over turtles, shooting mercenaries, or fucking each other all day in the butt is going to bring in enough money to raise a family. Well, now the balance is being restored by Catherine, a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese? ...It'd be fair to call Catherine a story-driven game. And I guess the biggest problem I have with the story is that Vincent is such a fucking tool! Catherine (that's psycho Catherine, not frumpy Katherine) basically bullies him into getting seduced by her; yeah, maybe her running around in a net curtain might have helped, but still. And if the dude could take five seconds to just explain things rather than stammer out more lies while sweating like James Murdoch at a government hearing, then he could probably sort everything out! But no, he just accepts guilt and whines about it incessantly to his mates, every single one of whom would be well within their rights to powerbomb his face into the nearest bollard. I think this is an anime thing, where they like their protagonists angsty and ineffectual and given to wanking off over unconscious women. I watched an anime once; dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst! I wouldn't mind, but he missed! [205] Red Faction Armageddon [ edit ] The title was the first telltale heart murmur. "Armageddon" is one of those words from the subtitle bucket, like "Chronicles" or "Resurrection," a word you stick on the end of your sequel name to communicate the fact that you have less creativity than a pencil sharpener. Red Faction Armageddon is the final game of a trilogy that started with Red Faction Guerrilla (don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once). You play Darius Mason, the grandson of Alec Mason from Guerrilla, who is engaged in conflict with an evil cult leader who was apparently defeated once before by Darius' dad. And everything indicates to me that Darius' dad's actions were the events of a second intervening game that wasn't actually made. In which case, what frightens me is that someone at THQ looked at Darius and Darius' dad and decided that Darius was the more interesting one! Mason Sr. must have been a geography teacher who defeated the cultists by diligently doing his taxes at them! [206] Deus Ex [ edit ] The year is 2000 the shooter was riding PC gaming like a trusted pony (a pony that you occasionally had to slap or replace with a completely different better pony, but trusted nonetheless). With Half Life ,Thief and System Shock 2 first person games have been steadily raising the bar, then a company called Ion Storm made Daikatana and made the bar tunnel right into the ground beyond the wit of spelunker. But then at the same time Ion Storm brought out Deus Ex which is widely considered the greatest PC game of all time. That may sound like incongruous behavior for a developer but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledging Ion Storm was split into it's good half and it's evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas that made Daikatana and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables. And the good half was Ion Storm Austin which made Deus Ex and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of all the good little boys and girls. Having deliberately avoided any exposure to Human Revolution up to the time of writing, I sincerely hope to be dining on these words with tartar sauce by the time this video goes out, but I don't see how these days you can have a game with anything near as much depth and complexity as Deus Ex 1! And before all you people who liked The Witcher 2 start pounding your keyboards so hard that it starts snowing Cheeto dust, I meant the kind of complexity that I like! A plot where people can reference philosophy and G.K. Chesterton in really, really bad accents! And that has intuitive inventory sorting, and a health system where you can get all your arms and legs blown off and have to slither over to a health station using only your lips! [207] Deus Ex: Human Revolution [ edit ] I don't know how many more times I have to say this, but I guess at least once: a boss fight is not just a random enemy who's eaten three times as many protein bars as everybody else! A boss fight is supposed to be a final exam for everything we've learned up to that point! Ideally, Human Revolution would have given the option of gunning the boss down, also maybe hacking some turrets to fight for you, or sneaking away up into the rafters to drop pianos on their head - but no, all you can do is shoot them. And considering I was going for the non-lethal pussy run, my tranq rifle and stun gun were a fat lot of good against a bloke who appeared to be occupying the same space as a combine harvester armed with a gun that shoots exploding furniture that kills you in two hits, so I basically had to quicksave every time I successfully made it to the other side of the room before my internal organs did! [208] Driver: San Francisco [ edit ] Switching instantly to any car anywhere is the main gameplay gimmick that's woven nicely into the storyline. John Tanner, cut as he is from the generic white bread wise-cracky douche hero template, starts getting pretty likable when he has the Groundhog Day revelation that he can now live life without consequence, immediately possessing a driving student and speeding through the oncoming lane just to make the dick instructor mess his corduroys. Serve and Protect, ladies and gentlemen! [209] Dead Island [ edit ] One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It'll be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an avalanche of zombie games, movies, and reinterpretations of classic literature. I'll call it, "ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING ZOMBIES ALREADY!" Honestly, at this point, you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam , you'll have to make papier-mache zombie facsimiles just to get through the day! Except, let's face it, however you might imagine zombie apocalypses giving you a new lease on life, we all know most of you would start talking suicide pacts if the Internet went down for more than a week. [210] Resistance 3 [ edit ] So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics and regenerating health. Wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, Resistance 3 does not have regenerating health! Holy bum-nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at once... I can carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a freeze ray and a lightning rod and a thing I like to call "The Jimi Hendrix Experience" because it makes people puke themselves to death. They're quite fun to use, and there are no cover mechanics because the game assumes you can strategically use a wall without having to rub yourself on it and give it kisses. Erm... Sony , are you all right? I'm not complaining or anything but I'm kind of feeling how the Greeks might have felt if the Trojans had just surrendered before the wooden horse was finished. [211] Gears of War 3 [ edit ] Now, before any of you Gears of War fans rush off to humiliate yourselves in the comments section by posting something along the lines of, "What did you expect, Gears of War is about chainsaw bayonet vasectomies, plot and character is for girls and people with sensibly proportioned necks," I'd like to preemptively tell you to fuck off, and here's why. If I had said that Gears of War 3's plot was a spellbinding emotional roller coaster from start to finish, none of you motherfucking fanboys would be saying the plot doesn't matter. You'd trumpet that from the fucking rooftops until someone asked you to leave. [212] Hard Reset [ edit ] It's true the game does the Painkiller thing, making multitudes of monsters to mob you mercilessly, but as with the environments they forgot the whole variety thing, and you only ever seem to fight two kinds of aggressive Roomba and a few palette-swapped wheelie bins. There's really no way of saying this without giving ammunition to conservative anti-game campaigners, but there isn't as much fun to be had in shooting robots as there is in shooting organic lifeforms. When I fire a rocket into a cluster of charging monsters, I like to know that the cleanup will have to be done with a mop rather than a broom! It's hard to explain, but surely we can all agree that the lawnmower scene from Braindead just wouldn't have been as memorable if it had been taking place in the audio/visual department of Harvey Norman's . [213] Rage [ edit ] Call me a cynic (please, it's my only sense of identity), but when some resistance movement shows up demanding I dress up in a sheep costume and jump through some hoops making suggestive baa-ing noises before they'll let me fight the evil government who I have yet to actually fucking see, there's only one organization I feel I'm being oppressed by here! Especially when they all seem content to sit around in the base eating pancakes while I'm sent off alone to slaughter saucepan-wearing bandits du jour. [214] Kinect [ edit ] First of all, I tried out Child of Eden , the polygon murder spree from the creators of polygon-murder-spree Rez , essentially a rail shooter about the internet being under attack by an amassed army of forgotten screen savers. Certainly a spectacular display, but even a cosmic dance with a hundred large-breasted space fish loses something when you have to replay it for the third time because you weren't clear on what you were supposed to be doing. Yeah, I know, game, "Use my left hand to shoot down the purple projectiles before they hit me." Now in what specific way did you envision me using my left hand, 'cause that could mean anything from waving it to sticking a bowling pin up a gorilla's ass. Eventually I figured out that "use" meant, "Do the same thing you do with the right hand to use your normal weapon, but keep your right hand pinned to your side because I might think you're trying to strangle me and go in to a panic." And even then, the usual delay motion sensors have before registering your action led to several frustrating game-overs. And every now and again, the game would pause itself right as it was getting excited, because it assumes that any ambiguity of motion on your part means that you have suddenly been abducted by space monsters. But doing panicky improvised t'ai chi to amuse graph paper is not gaming. It's more like therapy for geometry-phobics. [215] Male voice Only on Kinect for Xbox 360 2010-2013. Batman: Arkham City [ edit ] Arkham City isn't getting out of here without a recommendation, but it's worth remembering that when you go straight sandbox you lose control of a certain amount of structure. A word of warning: if you're like me - handsome, talented and secretly longing for death - you'll want to finish the main story first and do the side missions in post-ending fuckabouts, because you need all the gadgets to find all the secrets. And then like me, you'll end up flapping back and forth like a confused magpie at the aluminum foil tennis championships trying to trigger the side missions that your quest log says you haven't found yet. And like me, you'll eventually look it up and discover that some but not all of the side missions get locked off if you don't finish them by the story end. And then like me, you'll probably make a noise that's somewhere between a sigh and a gnash, and then like me you'll say "How does that make any donkey-boffing sense?!" And like me you'll maybe jump up and down a few times, and like me you should probably stop padding this video out. [216] Battlefield 3 [ edit ] Battlefield 3 was built on the Frostbite 2 engine - I know this for a fact because it can't go five minutes without banging on about it. This is a game that isn't trying to sell an engaging experience or even the military lifestyle, it's trying to sell destruction physics and the lighting engine. This becomes clear around the second time a building collapses with the camera angled in such a way as if to say "You may now appreciate this. A minimum level of appreciation is required to continue." [217] Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception [ edit ] The game opens in London, with Drake walking off cobbled streets into an English pub with a motherfucking red phone box out the front where every single member of the clientèle looks like Grant Mitchell from EastEnders . Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. In one of the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the developers flat-out admit that they think up the spectacular set pieces first and then come up with the plot around them. And by Christ does it show, because these games are getting as formulaic as a Scooby-Doo episode. Who wants to bet the lost treasure at the end will turn out to have been deliberately lost because there's some negative effect surrounding it that the bad guys want to weaponize? And that Drake will pull off the main villain's face and it'll turn out to be old man Withers! [218] Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 [ edit ] The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?! Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President - you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children. [219] The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim [ edit ] Nitpicking is unhelpful, however, and I'm in the kind of mood that I'm prepared to overlook a lot of flaws in Skyrim, which is good, because there are a lot of flaws in Skyrim. But I'll applaud it if it means we can have less games that treat me like a child stuck in a pipe, Games Industry. I will applaud it as hard as you like. I will slap at my palms until my future children suffer masturbation guilt. No I don't know what I'm on about; go away. [220] Saints Row: The Third [ edit ] Now, the first Saints Row game was comparatively straight. It wasn't exactly Homicide: Life on the Street, but you weren't going to climb aboard any rocket-powered jet-bikes either. Saints Row 2 leaned wackier, with a slightly unhealthy fascination with spraying poo at things other people would rather you didn't spray poo at, but was still somewhat grounded in reality at least. Saints Row: The Third drinks wackazade from a clown shoe. This is a trilogy progression we academics call, " Evil Dead Syndrome ," and I'm not sure I like it. The funny parts of Saints Row 2 shone all the brighter alongside its more po-faced aspects - it's when you're wearing full lucha libre gear, thwacking at zombies with a big floppy dildo as part of the everyday routine that it starts to feel less special. [221] Assassin's Creed: Revelations [ edit ] The cynic is an isolationist beast but can always recognize one of their own , and the Assassin's Creed series is getting very cynical. I like the games but I feel my like is being exploited for coin, and at the risk of devaluing one of my favorite words, it's now faffing about like it's never faffed before and the faffing is getting out of hand. All of this bullshit - the Championship Manager human resources management games, the Templants vs. Zomsassins - all of this is just more and more layers of flaky pastry between me and the succulent meat of the Assassin's Creed Cornish pasty: one bloke in a bedsheet hopping about on the rooftops, carefully planning a stealthy guerrilla assault, to surgically strike like a thumbtack in a McChicken sandwich! [222] The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword [ edit ] Speaking of Wind Waker , spiritually Skyward Sword feels quite reminiscent of it, except you're exploring an ocean of clouds rather than the more traditional ocean of water. But if the surface world is supposed to be so completely covered in clouds that you and your ivory tower friends aren't even sure it exists, then why when you're exploring the surface world is it always a bright sunny day? I found a plot hole! Nurse! So obviously Zelda ends up in an embuggerance, and Link has to pick up a magic sword and sort her out. This time the magic sword comes free with a standard-issue support character, who deserves special mention because, besides a twitchy enraged badger that points out important quest items by breaking wind at them, I cannot imagine a worse assistant. Her big thing is spurious rigour; she can't just say, "Go in the room and stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot," it's always, "There is a 70 percent chance that you must stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot." She sounds like a fucking laundry detergent commercial! First you "prove your worth" for the Master Sword, then you "prove your worth" for the three Sacred Flames, and then "prove your worth" a few more times for the Song of the Hero. If I were Link, I'd throw the sword down and yell: "Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?! I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes." [223] Serious Sam 3: BFE [ edit ] For the uninitiated, Sam Stone is a nineties action-hero graduate from the Duke Nukem correspondence course with some kind of unclear role in the military, and who started showing up to work one day in a customized t-shirt and jeans. And no one wanted to complain in case he blew cigar smoke in their face, or shagged their mums. [224] Top 5 of 2011 [ edit ] Interestingly enough, the crown of greasy brambles and throne of compacted garbage to be awarded to the worst game of 2011 are in this case two crowns and perhaps some kind of chaise lounge affair, because I can't decide which creepy, masturbatory, lead you by the nose, flimsily justified violence upon vastly inferior enemies, open-quotes "realistic" shooter with a 3 on the end I despise the most: Battlefield 3 or Modern Warfare 3 . I don't hate them because they're poorly made or fail in what they set out to do, I hate them for what they represent . Modern Borefare and Twattlefield not only show that people should stop making realistic shooters , but also make a convincing case that people should stop existing generally and perhaps we should save time, form a big circle and on an agreed signal all cap the person to the right. Oh, Happy New Year by the way. [225] Sonic Generations [ edit ] ...It turned out Generations only updates one classic level per game. Green Hill Zone from Sonic 1 , Chemical Plant Zone from Sonic 2 , et cetera, and this led inexorably to a brain-scouring moment when I was faced with a level based on part of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 ! I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something good. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about Sonic 2006. Nobody liked Sonic 2006. If you think you did, you're wrong. It's like saying you enjoyed listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce. I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just wrong. And yet here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it, "misplaced conceit," but I'm not so I'll call it, "frothing bug-eyed self-delusion." [226] Star Wars: The Old Republic [ edit ] Every time I play a MMORPG I have a moment of self-realization at some point when I say, "What the fuck am I doing?" and go back to being a productive member of society. In some games it comes earlier than others, but to Old Republic's credit, it did take a while. It was right after my character got the Schmillenium Schmalcon back, and the game universe opened up. My heart leaped when the space battles were introduced, but they're basically just pseudo rail shooters, in the Nova Storm or Microcosm style, and aren't much more than a gimmick. What really made me lose interest was that, in emphasizing the story, the game unwittingly sealed its downfall, because once my smuggler had reclaimed the Thousand-Year Albatross, he suddenly didn't have a story anymore. Some hideously contrived development about a pirate treasure was yanked from a butt-hole lubricated with desperate sweat, but all I could think was, "Why the hell would I want a treasure?! I've got 25 grand in the bank gathering dust because the stores don't sell anything worth shit, and I peel all my equipment off dead tosspots! At least provide a beautiful princess for me to put my cocksure leg over. I spent a lot of cold lonely nights in the captain's bunk with my right hand and some racy holograms, thinking, 'So this is why they called him Han Solo'!" [227] Amy [ edit ] Using the word, "Escort," to describe core gameplay is like using the words, "Bloody and viscous," to describe a urine sample, but Amy pulls her weight by having the power to heal you, create cones of silence, and telekinetically blast things aside. Obviously. I'd have been rather put out if she didn't. In horror circles, small mute autistic girls are second in power only to Jason Voorhees listening to people fucking. [228] Resident Evil: Revelations [ edit ] I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best. Sometimes my character nimbly sidestep a blow, and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual which said to, "Use the analog stick as you're about to be hit." "Use it," eh? Thanks. Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? "Step 1: Use your hands. Step 2: Also maybe some pliers." [229] Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning [ edit ] I've called Kingdoms of Amalur a lot of things - "Single-Player World of Warcraft," "Fable With a Shriveled Willy" - but I think I've found the soundest comparison: it's "Baby's First Skyrim!" Pretty much the same gameplay features with substantially less complexity and with boring, claustrophobic environments, or at least that's what I thought. When I took a moment to stop and take a good look around me, I realized that the environments were actually quite expansive, epic, and artfully designed. It just didn't feel that way because the camera is angled slightly downward, so at any given moment of gameplay 60 to 70 percent of the screen was taken up by the floor texture. If I'd been in charge of designing ceilings in this game, I'd be out for fucking blood right about now. Just goes to show how the smalles tweak of a core feature can have ruinous consequences, like prodding a tiger's bollock. [230] NeverDead [ edit ] The best constructive criticism I could offer would be to travel back in time to the first gameplay planning meeting with a large Hessian bag and some day-laborers with cricket bats. "Hey!" said one developer looking up from his Lego set, "If our character's immortal, then there's not going to be much challenge, is there? Why don't we put in another character he has to escort..." And that's as far as he gets before disappearing into the Hessian bag, and his pig-like squeals are drowned out by the grunts and thwacks of the day-laborers at work. "And," says another developer sticking whiteboard markers up his nose, "Let's constantly put some monsters around that can instantly game-over you if they suck in your disembodied head, but you can avoid it by completing a quicktime even..." "Get in the fucking sack!" "You know what I hate?" interjects a third developer emerging from underneath his pillow fort, "Using nice convenient button presses for sword attacks when we could be rattling the right analog stick back and forth and up and down like a clumsy teenage boy's first time at third base." "Thank you for sharing," I would say. "You know what I hate? You not being in this fuckin' sack right now!" [231] Syndicate [ edit ] Mostly though, the agenda I sympathize with the least is the publishers. What is the point of slapping a 90s tactical shooter 's name recognition on a generic modern shooter if most people who like generic modern shooters won't remember the name, and the people who do remember the name will want to set your office on fire? You won't endear yourself offering to rape my mum for fifty bucks! [232] Yakuza: Dead Souls [ edit ] To stop beating about the bicycle, the shooting controls are a load of piss. If you go into aim mode -- that's the second aim mode; for some reason there are two aim modes, one slightly less aim-y than the other, so why the fuck would you bother? -- then the camera angle switches to where your character is facing, rather than the character turning to face the camera angle, like how the regular boring well-designed shooters work; and I wish I had a sewing needle for every time I got teeth marks in my mauve blazer while intimidating a wall two feet to the right of the guy I was trying to aim at, because I'm going to shove them all under my fingernails. Also, when you're not aiming, you use the right analog stick to look around. But that's what it's good at; it's like a faithful hound trained to fetch the grouse and nothing else. That's why in most shooters, when you go into aiming mode, you continue using the right analog stick to adjust your aim, because you're still looking at things, but now in an edgy, masculine kind of way. Yakuza is of an innovative mindset, however, so adjusting your aim in aiming mode is done with the left analog stick. Why the scrambled eggs on fucktoast would anyone do that? [233] Ninja Gaiden 3 [ edit ] It's like the series feels like it's lost so much identity from cutting out the leather-clad titty monsters that it's grabbing scrips and scraps from anything that it thinks people seem to like these days, trying to find a new niche before it throws up its hands, gives up, explodes all over the bedspread, and you spend the last few moments fighting a giant city-destroying naked woman clutching a broadsword. Well, good try, Team Ninja , you almost held out! [234] Silent Hill: Downpour [ edit ] So it's got the right survival horror combat and the right survival horror exploration, all Silent Hill: Downpour needs now to earn a great big fat tick at the bottom of the page is to be scary! ... Oh. This always ends up being the sticking point, doesn't it. Fear being a purely emotional response, it's difficult to say precisely why something is or isn't scary, but as I said earlier the essence of it lies in subtlety. And because I know that word disappeared from the vocabularies of triple-A game developers some time ago, no it is not the name of a small village in Derbyshire. [235] Kid Icarus: Uprising [ edit ] In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things – I'm the guy who went 50 miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house – but I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it, rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor. Okay then, now that's covered, here's Kid Icarus, a shit game for twats. [236] Prototype 2 [ edit ] Games like this and Skyrim and Just Cause 2 really are the sort of thing triple-A development should be making all the time, because it really is the only thing they do best anymore. They badly need to understand why they should stop piling all their resources into designing glorious skyboxes and elaborate set pieces and other things that fall solely under the category of "looking at stuff," when you cannot possibly compare "looking at stuff" to "blowing up stuff," "running to the top of stuff" and "skiing back down stuff with two still bloody scalps attached to the soles of your shoes." [237] Risen 2: Dark Waters [ edit ] Things are operating on a sort of Pirates of the Caribbean level, where there's a bunch of all-powerful god-like entities threatening generic destruction all over the place, and a loose coalition of bad-smelling toothless seafarers have to stop them by acquiring four cans of spray-on all-powerful godlike entity repellant. Well, four magical treasures, but basically that's the gist of it. It really is strongly reminiscent of the plot writing in the later Pirates of the Caribbean films , in that there is no problem in the world that doesn't have some convenient bullshit magical artifact kicking around somewhere, specifically designed to deal with it. Either the Ancient Ones didn't feel like they were doing their jobs properly if they didn't enchant every last fucking thing in their trophy cabinets, or someone's making shit up as they go along! [238] Diablo III [ edit ] You know, if any game company is likely to be secretly headed by a James Bond villain, it's Blizzard, because all their games put me into a fucking hypnotic trance, and levelling starts to carry this mindlessly addictive quality into which they could easily insert some subliminal instruction to raid the nearest plutonium storage facility. Ultimately I confess I still don't get the appeal of dungeon crawlers. Seems like I could recreate the essential experience by opening Microsoft Excel, scrolling down ten thousand pages with the down cursor key, and then typing, "THE MOST SPLENDID TROUSERS OF THEM ALL!" What I really don't get is the appeal of randomly-generated dungeons. Surely that could only possibly pay off during a second playthrough when/if the player realises that this small handful of barren rooms manaically copy-pasted and then arbitrarily stapled together seems to have been arbitrarily stapled together slightly different to before. If a book randomly rearranged its chapters with every read, then every chapter would have the characters doing fuck-all, because the plot wouldn't make sense otherwise. So the end result will always be a fucking boring book. It's not just missing the forest for the trees - it's missing the forest for the trees in another completely different forest. [239] Lollipop Chainsaw [ edit ] What with Juliette being built like a collection of sofa cushions strategically nailed to a lamp post and her fondness for skirts the length of an information pamphlet on feminist theory, one could reasonably take this as yet more proof of the rampant objectification of females in the media . But the more I considered it, the more I regarded Lollipop Chainsaw as comparatively progressive, and isn't that a depressing thought. Juliette is always in control of the situation, has a healthy devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the players should feel motivated to protect her from rapists. ( Seriously, that's pretty fucked. ) But importantly at the same time, it's never suggested that she is something women should aspire to be, either: her bubble-headed obliviousness is constantly played for laughs and there's a strong undercurrent of psychological damage as she chainsaws up her former schoolmates while remaining as innocently upbeat as a cruise ship entertainer teaching a pensioners how to line dance. It's almost a parody of the standard improbably skilled impractically dressed pouting hotties of video gaming, but then again, I'll say the same thing I said about Bayonetta : just because you're being ironically fetishistic doesn't mean people aren't gonna jerk off to it. [240] Quantum Conundrum [ edit ] So the puzzles are driven by a handheld device called a Portal G... Oh, wait. Actually a sort of power glove thing that allows you to shift between four alternate dimensions (read screen filters) that alter the physical properties of the objects around you. It's kind of like a glove-mounted cocktail dispenser, except that it alters the physical properties of things other than your own legs. There's the Piña Colada dimension where everything is light and fruity; the Black Russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife; the Absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning; and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. [241] Spec Ops: The Line [ edit ] In some ways, it's a rather grim exploration of the relationship between player and player-character. Are we really in control of Captain Walker, or do we merely represent the last vestige of self-awareness in his increasingly damaged mind as he railroads us into committing atrocities, and our distrust and fear of him grows in parallel to that of the men in his command as he weakly tries to rationalize to both them and us until we feel as disconnected from him as the rest of reality and... (weary sigh) Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell? Those were good days... [242] Walking Dead [ edit ] ...If you're thinking of having a go at making your own [point-and-click adventure game], here's my hot tip: First, think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat down from a tree. Then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand. Then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way you'd solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, maybe hiding a spider under the sunshades in Old Man Withersteen's car, so that he crashes it into the tree trunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the Moon. "Why?!" Because adventure game developers can't cum unless they're picturing the frustrated tears of people who used to trust them. Actually, that could just be me. [243] Inversion [ edit ] Cover shooting is fine if it serves the game; if it's the glue connecting the actual interesting bits of the model aeroplane. But when the interesting bits only exist to serve the cover shooting, then you're grinding up the model aeroplane components to help beef up the glue. You give us mastery over one of the fundamental forces in the universe and then suggest we just use it to make it slightly easier to shoot things behind cover? Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a Green Lantern ring. You'd probably just use it to conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun. Couldn't we use our gravity powers to, y'know, fly?! [244] Half-Life [ edit ] I close now, reassured that Half-Life is indeed still good. Perhaps one could partly blame it for some of today's shooter problems, like aggressive linearity and cut-scenes , but that was just dipshits aping something popular without grasping the subtleties. You can't blame Watchmen for all of the comics in the '90s being about angsty people shooting blood out of tit-mounted pouch guns... and pouch-mounted gun tits. [245] Wreckateer and Deadlight [ edit ] [Deadlight] is a game that looks like someone at Castle XBLA who I imagine resembles J. Jonah Jameson said "Where are the indie-spirited unrelentingly grim platformers?! Take this checklist and find me a game with more tics than a mangy dog!" It's like something that the XBLA spontaneously generated one day when it had enough titles rubbing together. So it's a linear silhouette platformer like Limbo that controls kind of Shadow Complexy with the merest hint of 'Splosion Man and a story channeling I Am Alive narrated by a bloke with a voice like he smokes entire rolled-up carpets . Oh yes, and it's set in a zombie apocalypse, which is the point that the Indie-O-Meter starts ringing bells and emitting confetti. [246] Darksiders 2 [ edit ] ...I was surprised to see a 20 hour play time on the save file, because it had felt a fuck-load longer than that. It's that most tedious of game plots where you have precisely one goal, that never wavers or updates in any way, and they fill the time by putting a fucking parking barrier every fifty paces that you can't move past until you've gotten three of something from the local dungeon. And it's always three of something! In fact, more than once I'd be asked to find three of something in exchange for one of another set of three things I was already looking for! It's not just padded, it's fractally padded! [247] Borderlands 2 [ edit ] Anyway, we return to to the planet Pandora, or, to give it its full name, the planet Pandora – no-not-that-one – with four vault hunters of varying skillsets different superficially from the four vault hunters of the previous game, but not in any practical sense. And after the vault that drove the first game's plot was revealed to be short on treasure and long on tentacles, it turns out that there's actually more than one legendary treasure vault on Pandora-no-not-that-one, some of which actually do have treasure in. So that means that everyone in the game gets to keep calling you Vault Hunter. Phew. Thought we'd have to change our stationery. But now your quest is to end the tyrannical regime of one Handsome Jack, who lured you out to Pandora-no-not-that-one and then tried to kill you because he hates vault hunters, oh no wait actually he wants to manipulate vault hunters, but then why would he try to kill you? Oh, stop thinking about it and kill some more Jasons, Mr. Picky-Pants. [248] Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition [ edit ] After I declared Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare as The Twin Bollock Lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I just don't like shooters. Oh you ignorant little bastards! Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wii-motes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies. You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits-about-you, rocket-jumping, last scrap of health, toodly fuckpies organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is not riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by other people's gunfire. [249] Assassin's Creed 3 [ edit ] The sandbox map gets absolutely bukakke'd with collectibles and side-quests, but what's it all in aid of, Assassin's Creed 3? "Well, at your home base, there's this ongoing thing where Connor enlists specific craftsmen to recreate his own personal theme park version of Little House on the Prairie ." So? "You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items, and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft." Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa? "You sell the sofa for money!" Ok, now I am a millionaire East Coast sofa baron. What do I DO with the money? "Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions." Well, that's something, I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me? "More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!" Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people? "What is it with you and stabbing people?" What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?! Don't be Farmville, Assassin's Creed, be Assassin's Creed. We've already got a Farmville, it's called Farmville. [250] Halo 4 [ edit ] I feel sorry for 343 Industries, the company Microsoft brought in to do Halo because the company champagne fountain needed refilling and Bungie escaped from the basement. It's always awkward replacing someone everyone's gotten used to, isn't it? This must be what it's like for new popes. "Oh, sorry, the old pope always preferred golden syrup in his porridge. No, it's alright, the old pope and me had this little understanding - I'd fuck altar boys and he'd hush it up!" Still, you can't say 343 aren't grateful for the opportunity. Funny how Halo 4 was released on election day, as part of some sinister Republican conspiracy to make people who write game FAQs stay at home. 'cause at the start and end of the game, there's a little personal message from the new developers that has much of the acceptance speech about it. "Ooh, thank you so much for accepting us, o handsome and wonderful consumer! We promise not to completely diddle Halo over a doghouse, slurp-slurp, fawn-fawn!" It's just a fucking aging shooter franchise, 343 Industries, you're not the fucking UN Secretary General. Stop trying to altar-boy me! [251] Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 [ edit ] People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the First World are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet, and Modern Warfare games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone's jealous of you. It's like when white dudes complain about being victims of racism 'cause all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock. Just to underline it, the villain is behind an organization of the world's underclasses, so you can add the poor to the growing list of peoples the audience of Black Ops 2 feels threatened by. But perhaps I shouldn't dwell on the politics. The occasionally sympathetic portrayal of the villain and that whole chapter where you're called upon to defend a repulsively-decadent future city for rich people does show a degree of self-awareness on 'Blops 2's part. I honestly can't be arsed to speculate what level of irony we may or may not be operating on, so let's just judge it by the gameplay: It's boring and stupid! Give it a miss! Fuck, that could've saved a bit of time! [252] Hitman: Absolution [ edit ] If you're unfamiliar with standard Hitman gameplay, they're basically adventure games for the impatient. Missions take place in open-ended environments, and you can either engineer an accidental-seeming death with obscure inventory puzzles, or you can just stove their head in with a brick 'cause you've got shit to do! [253] Far Cry 3 [ edit ] One time, I was carefully scouting an enemy base and had just about decided on the best angle of attack when a fucking tiger lolloped into the base and fucking cleared it out with strategic maulings! What a right wally Mr. Pussycat has made me look like, but it's the sort of thing that'd never fucking happen in Call of Duty, isn't it? Not unless Mr. Pussycat was a programmed setpiece with ties to Al-Qaeda. [254] ZombiU [ edit ] So, I got myself a Wii U, and as with many Nintendo products these days, the startup process feels like you're joining a cult. With the constant music that one might hear in the elevators of a methadone clinic and the crowd of Miis staring up at you as if to say, "Come and join us! The master will be home soon!" and I had to mute the fucking TV during the update process, 'cause that repeating "widdly-wee" noise felt like it was implanting hypnotic suggestions. With a drill. Here's a fun drinking game I devised for the Wii U - take a shot every time the little controller screen is doing something that couldn't have just been put on the TV screen without sacrificing anything. It's the best drinking game, because afterwards, you can legally drive home! [255] Top 5 of 2012 [ edit ] Yes it's confirmed, "Warfighter" is actually a word used by the actual military, but I don't see how that makes it any less dumb! Or Medal of Honor: Warfighter any less obnoxious, incoherent, and boring. In the year I started referring to schizophrenic, overly linear modern military shooters as 'spunkgargleweewee' with the good taste and maturity you've come to expect, I felt it would be remiss of me not to represent the genre here - a genre I would've been tempted to now to put alongside one-on-one fighters , real-time-strategy and train simulators as shit that's just not for me and not worth opinionating on. If it weren't for... Spec Ops: The Line ! And thanks a fucking bunch, Yager Development, `cause now I have to keep playing modern military shooters just in case they turn out to be the most exciting thing to happen in video game narrative for fucking years! [256] Paper Mario: Sticker Star [ edit ] I am very fond of the Paper Mario series, not just for being fun games, but for being my secret weapon. I say the Final Fantasy games are now essentially the same as glueing kaleidoscopes to your eyes and spending twenty hours in the queue at a Brazilian sex-change clinic, and then, say, a dolphin or a stoat materialises behind me and goes, "BWAAA, you just don't like RPGs!" Or I point out that, ever since Galaxy , the entire Mario franchise has just been rolling back and forth on the floor of a public bathroom trying to catch spiders in it's mouth, and I get, "BWAAA, you just don't like Nintendo! Mario games! Or fun!" But then I can go, "Have I mentioned how much I like the Paper Mario series? They're RPGs that are also Mario games developed by Nintendo and are FUN! Eat your devastated argument on a crusty bap, Flipper! WHOPAH!" and then I dance in the rain at their exploded head. Or rather, that's how it used to go. More recently, they then get to say, "So does this mean you really like Paper Mario: Sticker Star on the 3DS?" at which point I have to fall upon my secondary masterstroke, which is to smash a bottle over their head and run away. [257] Black Knight Sword and Hotline Miami [ edit ] ...an informative, if grammatically iffy title, 'cause it's about a knight in black armour who uses a sword. If only other games were willing to wear its colours so prominently in the title - it'd certainly make cataloguing them a lot easier. Like, " Orange Nerd Crowbar ", or " Brown Sweaty Racism ", or " Red Dead Revolv- " oh wait. [258] Anarchy Reigns [ edit ] I've had the same conversation n times this week. "I've been playing Anarchy Reigns!" I'd say to a friend or favoured bartender. "Never heard of it," they'd say, to which I'd reply, "You know, I've had this exact same conversation n-1 times this week." There's, "flying under the radar," but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, Anarchy Reigns isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway. All I knew was that it's by Sega, and the name is possibly intended to be ironic, because Anarchy refers to a situation in which nobody's reigning shit. It's like calling your game Dog Meows, or Margaret Thatcher Cares. But anyway, it turns out that Anarchy Reigns is a sequel to Madworld of sorts, except that it's not on the Wii, and it's not a spectacle fighter, and it's not in cel-shaded black and white. So yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty big "of sorts", isn't it? The one connecting element is the main character Jack 'cause, you know, there's such a fucking shortage of grizzled, macho badasses voiced by Steve Blum in gaming that we have to start recycling them now. And then they say, "Are you buying a fucking drink or what?" [259] DmC: Devil May Cry [ edit ] So the first controversy is that Dante, the cocky, swaggering, well dressed man in a bleached moptop has been supplanted by Dante, the cocky, swaggering nine-year-old who throws on the first wife-beater and dressing gown that he could be persuaded to peel off the kitchen floor, with short dark hair, no less! Why don't you just come over here and put your cock through the middle of my Devil May Cry PS2 disc, Ninja Theory? Seriously though, I suppose if you're messing with canon, it's better to go forward with confidence and rip off the waxing strip all at once than to ask if we're okay with it for every uprooted pube. But what we could do without was that one scene near the start, where a mop contrivedly falls onto Dante's head and he stares at himself in the mirror for just long enough for it to not be funny, before smirkingly dismissing the look. There's going forward with confidence, and then there's a developer whipping the tip of my nose with its big, pleased-with-itself stiffy. Not that I think the original quippery doucebag Dante is sacrosanct; I thought he was an absolute knobend. But all you need to do is establish that new Dante is an equally big knobend and then we can all move on! [260] The Cave [ edit ] The Cave is an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with the Double Fine adventure game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house . A different Double Fine adventure game, this one written and designed by Ron Gilbert, he of the superlative Secret of Monkey Island and of course Maniac Mansion , the adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven, but that's enough nostalgia. The Cave is an all new adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven. What a fat lot of good the last twenty five years must have been! Oh, but Ron knows when I'm just being facetious for comic effect. [261] Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch [ edit ] At times, Wrath of the White Privilege pleasantly evokes the old 16 bit JRPGs I can actually tolerate, like Earthbound or Final Fantasy VI with its actually coherent plot and random monsters occasionally smart enough to scarper if you're over-leveled, but the actual combat sucks a fat one. I find I'm more tolerant of turn based combat than I used to be because it is nice for a game to constantly pause itself in case you happen to be playing it while fighting a panther, and of course real time combat would be chocolate smeared all over a consenting biscuit. But it's these hideous hybrid systems that modern JRPGs tend to have that piss in my radiators, 'cause you end up with the worst qualities of both. We find ourselves having to cycle through an option menu while simultaneously running around avoiding the hits, and I've got this lovely big controller here just covered in buttons, any one of which could be a dedicated 'defend' command. But no, I must instead wrestle my way to the 'defend' option in the half second it takes for the enemy to brew up another devastating fart. [262] Dead Space 3 [ edit ] You know what? I fucking give up. I give up just like the bloke who said, "Hey, EA, let's make a horror game," at the start of all this must have given up. He was still around for Dead Space 2 saying, "Look! I made a crayon drawing with blood on it! Maybe you could leave it lying around somewhere in between all the ridiculous action sequences." But now at the time of Dead Space 3, that man has resigned, or been eaten, or maybe the parasitic brain worms that control EA's upper management got to him as well. "Yes, of course Dead Space should be an action shooter; more people buy those. Heaven forbid that we actually provide for an underserved niche or hold out for sleeper sales. It's not like we make the kind of money that could support an occasional risky investment with any actual integrity. Why should we stick our necks into the scary outlying territories when we could be tucked up all safe and warm in the comfortable grey dough of mediocrity that is EA's usual output? What's that? You're getting hungry? Okay, I'll just put some cat food down my ear. Yes, I know you like the chunky kind." Another new feature is weapon crafting, which is part of EA's big scheme to get in on all that sweet FarmVille micro-payment action by letting you pay for more craftable resources. "Did you love blowing real money on flooding everyone's Facebook pages with news on your imaginary cows? Well, you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort and thus cheapen any sense of achievement!" I might be more indignant if I thought this would actually work! The scheme seems to be to walk into a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor and say, "I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put some money in there, then you know, the option's open." And if anyone actually does put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have had financial independence in the first place. "Tension? What's that? The thing that comes before elevension?" [263] Aliens: Colonial Marines [ edit ] So, Colonial Marines is pretty much a wash. But without meaning to absolve the developers , they get all the blame for this fucking trainwreck as soon as they figure out how to divvy it up. What gets me are the Aliens fans who have been declaring it the final betrayal. Have you seen literally anything Alien-related post Aliens the film ? Your sweetums has been putting it about for decades, guys. The betrayal ship has sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spice! [264] Crysis 3 [ edit ] Maybe I just don't have the genius brain for some good old hard sci-fi, the kind of hard sci-fi where the most significant new addition is a bow and arrow. Yeah, that's some real hard fucking sci-fi right there! It really illustrates how desperate they were to find a new feature to trumpet - the amount of fuss that gets made about a fucking piece of string tied to a bendy stick. First it features prominently on the box art, and then it's introduced in the first mission with what sounds like a conversation from the fucking shopping channel. "Gosh, I just love exterminating my fellow man with the most advanced projectile weaponry in existence, but sometimes I think that if I could pick the bullets out of the ruined bodies of my victims, put them back into my guns and use them again, then I'd just be so much more productive! But there's no way I can do that, is there?" "Well, Prophet, have you tried 'Bow And Arrow'?" "Bow and Arrow, you say?" "Yes! Not only does Bow And Arrow allow ammo recovery, but it's also silent, can be fired without de-cloaking, and does about twelve times the damage of a bullet for some reason!" "Gosh, Psycho! Bow And Arrow sounds so convenient it almost makes you wonder why they were completely supplanted by guns fucking centuries ago!" [265] Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance [ edit ] Sometimes, I think the Metal Gear franchise is like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show . It's this loud, wacky dipshit in dire need of an editor who lives in a little world of his own surrounded by people reassuring him that, no, Metal Gear Solid 4 was totally a touching, emotional character drama, especially when the funny man did a big poo in his pants! And every now and again, someone tries to parachute in wearing a t-shirt saying, "EVERYONE'S TAKING THE PISS," but gets swiftly bundled out of sight by a dog walker and a Sony executive. [266] Tomb Raider [ edit ] Lara Croft manages to convince a small team of ethnically-diverse archaeologists who all seem to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are unwillingly made part of someone else's character development, to investigate a mysterious island where they find a storm preventing them from leaving and a mad cult of bearded castaways who have for years been using inflated shopping bags tied to sticks as substitutes for female companionship. So all the pieces are in place for Lara Croft to get the absolute shit kicked out of her for ten hours. Oh, I see! When Lara Croft gets beaten up, we're supposed to admire her strength and character, but when the same thing happens to Nathan Drake , we're supposed to point and laugh? Why do you hate men so much, games industry? Nah, obviously that was sarcasm, because Nathan Drake has never been the subject of a controversial attempted rape scene. Although if you miss the quick-time event to fight off the attempted rapist (Which I did, because the timing is really annoying on those things), then it turns out he only wanted to throttle her to death! Phew, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to misjudge these hairy cultist murderers! [267] SimCity [ edit ] So tell me, little finger puppet, assuming that multiplayer elements are about as enticing to me as the sight of a dog sniffing another dog's bum (an easy thing to assume, because they are), are there any new features SimCity can offer me? "Well there's a poo map!" (beat) I beg your pardon? "We've got a special map that lets you see all the poo forming in big piles under people's houses! Then you build an outlet pipe and watch all the poo speed away on a wee-wee one-way system!" (beat) Fucking SOLD! [268] BioShock: Infinite [ edit ] Comparisons to BioShock are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic (or however that phrase goes,) and under that light Infinite falls kinda short. What's disappointing is that the villain is basically just a racist nutter who wants to blow up the world. I listen to him frothing about how his carpet made of black people should be grateful he hasn't trod in any dog shit lately, and he becomes hard to take seriously. The truly great villain is one who talks sense; Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap. It is, however, hairy space hopper levels of pretentious. It comes and goes in and out of its own butt the whole way through, but the ending is the point of maximum own butt penetration. It wallows in a bit of abstract meta-narrative - wanky wanky word word - that doesn't really serve the essential plot points, and I found myself thinking: "If this ends with us meeting God and God looks like Ken Levine , then I'm gonna fucking punch someone." But you know what? If it isn't boring and gives us something to talk about then it can't be bad. And Infinite isn't bad, it's good, perhaps even great. You see, sometimes it's kinda nice to be up somebody's butt if it's cozy and warm and they've put some interesting conversation pieces up there. [269] Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon [ edit ] I think I see how the Nintendo flowchart works. Question 1: Are you an entirely original property? If yes, sod off. Question Two: Has your franchise gone unacknowledged for a long time? Or are you Pokémon ? If yes, welcome aboard the uncomfortably sharp edges of the good ship 3DS! Hope your audience likes having sore palms! (Masturbation joke in there somewhere!) [270] Next Gen Buyer's Guide [ edit ] So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played: Where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a Magus of the Vineyard from Magic The Gathering . [271] Fuse [ edit ] There's something slightly surreal about playing a game single-player when it's obviously designed for co-op. It's like getting through an average day with your wallet, phone and keys tied around the necks of three dogs who hang back and stare at you gormlessly while you clear out the room, at which point they all run over to the door to the next room waggling their tails in anticipation of walkies. Although one way the single-player gets spiced up a bit is that you can switch between the four characters, Clive Barker's Jericho -style - Ew, I just thought about Clive Barker's Jericho! Thanks a lot, Fuse. [272] E3 2013 [ edit ] The author wishes it to be known that the bulk of this video was written before the Microsoft DRM backtrack , and he now thinks that games exclusive to Xbox One are no more tainted by original sin than those exclusive to other consoles. He regrets now having to fall back on less popular arguments against next-gen consoles such as their blind insistence on empty spectacle above all else to make triple-A development all the more elitist and prohibitively expensive, the systematic erasure of console gaming history one generation at a time, the flagrantly anti-consumer culture of artificial exclusivity that has created a world in which games are expected to support consoles in which artwork exists to serve a medium on which artwork is presented, as if the words of a great novel exist to serve paper, or a great film exists to serve a piece of wall onto which it has been projected, and so on, and so on, and so on... [274] Animal Crossing: New Leaf [ edit ] It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss-up on the beach with all your pals? No. The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. Oh, thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, goose woman; doesn't go with my place but it would just look perfect at the PAWN SHOP! Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on its multicoloured- DON'T CARE, PAWN SHOP! Give me my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob! [275] Ride to Hell: Retribution [ edit ] Ride to Hell is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big-boy pants going, "I'm a real game now!" Of course you are, Ride to Hell. And that's why I think everyone should buy it, just to fuck with some heads! This could be our Plan 9 from Outer Space ! We should have mass screenings of it, get everyone to dress up, put upside down pedal bins on their heads and then beat their wives! [276] Dark [ edit ] I'm pleased to report that I've done at least one review for every letter of the alphabet ! Thank Christ for XCOM ! But if there's one letter that's over-represented, it's D. And that's because roughly 100 percent of game titles starts with the word "Dark", as in Souls , Void , -siders , -ness and -est of Days . So the subject of today's review gets refreshingly to the nub of the matter. Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off. Pity the actual game is cajun-cooked walrus dribble, but never mind. They could always patch things up with a sequel which would logically be named "dead", as in Rising , Island , Space and -pool ! Every vampire story has different rules, of course. In the Dark universe for example, the super-secret weakness of vampires is bullets! And cunningly, the security guards of the world all carry guns, having figured out that your Achilles heel is any kind of physical damage whatsoever! So Dark is strictly a stealth game. Such is the aversion to bullets that Eric cannot carry a gun himself. So do the maths here, sonny: Melee-only attacks, plus large numbers of enemies with guns, plus large open environments with limited cover, equals: It's a shame you have such an aversion to bullets, Eric mate, because a lot of them are going to be trying to make friends with you! And your one attack can be blocked by aware enemies, so if you get spotted sneaking up on a dude, the action becomes a rather humiliating game of Patty-cake. I wanted Eric to go back to the club after the first mission and say, "Are you sure I'm a vampire and not just a Goth with a personal trainer?" Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun? [277] Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs [ edit ] Quite a few game-play features have been stripped out, starting with the Sanity Meter, which was probably smart. I don't like when a game tries to tell you how you feel – "You are scared, this number says you are scared, pull a scared face" – when it could just be, y'know, scaring me without trying to keep score. It's like when a game introduces a lone female character who you talk to for five minutes and then it says, "You love this person, go rescue her." [279] Grand Theft Auto V [ edit ] There's nothing that excites me that I can point to and call the defining moment. It's just a whole load of people doing stuff, which I admit is a fairly weak argument. World War II was just "a whole load of people doing stuff," but at least getting your leg blown off gives you something for the next letter home: "Dear Mum: Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well, I've managed to redress the balance somewhat. P.S. Fucking hell!! Aaaahhhhh!!!" [280] The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD [ edit ] I can only imagine the panic in Nintendo 's HD remake department when they were given this job: "It still looks fine! What can HD possibly add? Make the GUI smaller so we can fill even more of the screen with featureless blue ocean?" ...It's good! Because it's Wind Waker and Wind Waker was good! That's about the final word. Except for this one: "Mingegurgle!" [281] Call of Duty: Ghosts [ edit ] The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions! [South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, orbital fucking missile weapon!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second! Just for fun, I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut at the start who immediately dies, one helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happened, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. "Dammit, the black guy died!" they seemed to say. "Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!" [282] Dead Rising 3 [ edit ] Hey, Capcom villains, zombie viruses do not make good superweapons! What's easier to occupy: a city full of people shopping and mowing the lawn, or a city full of murderers with a bite-transmittable virus and no ambition in life except to bite things?! I should mention there are combo vehicles now, and I'm not so proud that I can't admit that plowing through uncountable hordes of the undead in a motorbike steamroller didn't make me titter like a schoolgirl riding a bicycle with a knobbly saddle. [284] Super Mario 3D World [ edit ] I played a bit of it co-op, but cooperative it is not; it's more competitive than fucking Bushido Blade . All possible enjoyment was replaced by stress and bitterness because, at the end of the level, whoever got the most points is given a fucking crown, and with that largesse on the table camaraderie was only the first thing to drop off the map as we both tried to sprint ahead, snatching up coins. And once one person touches the flag at the end the other has a deadline the length of an average pull-out procedure before the level ends and the players who made it are showered with confetti and accolades, while everyone else harbors the kind of seething resentment usually reserved for Palestinians and bridesmaids. [285] Killzone: Shadow Fall [ edit ] ...In future, if I review a game on the X-Bone or the Piss-Poor , every time I say something in the slightest bit positive, I want you to mentally append the phrase, "...but it doesn't justify forcing us to buy a clunky new console with no backwards compatibility." I've banged that drum with my raging hate stiffy so many times I figure it can go without saying. [287] Broken Age [ edit ] Maybe I should judge it by its own merits and stop dragging in comparisons to older games. Maybe. But the game was fucking funded on nostalgia for those older games. It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did. Then why did you charge so much for his spunk?! [288] Dark Souls [ edit ] Now, I never reviewed Dark Souls because other titles were out and my play time was limited, and every time I sat down to it, it was like walking into a dark shed full of rakes, immediately treading on one and getting blatted in the face. Other people with more time on their hands started telling me it was the greatest thing since tummy rubs. So I'd go back in the shed thinking, "Well maybe there was just the one rake," before blat in the face again. So I left it for a while, but this week with plenty of free time in my schedule, I thought to myself, "Last chance; I'll just keep tanking the rakes and maybe I'll somehow become really psychotically into being rake-faced just in time to be prepared for the sequel." And I'll be blatted in the face with a rake if that isn't kinda what happened. [289] Strider [ edit ] It's always a good sign when, by the end, you're actively seeking out difficult fights because the last time you cleared a room with minimal hits using a combination of slashes, kunais , and generic ninja flip-outs, you felt like your bollocks sprouted pins and turned into little grenades (if male). Otherwise, your clitoris extended six feet and flew the American flag. [290] Thief [ edit ] ...Thief is a reboot of a series in which a bloke steals money from people with too much disposable income because he doesn't feel like putting any effort into working for a living, so it's good to see the creators of this new one taking that particular attitude on board, if nothing else. I wondered if it might be better to assess it by its own merits rather than how it differs from the originals, but on the other hand that's like wondering whether to use a fish slicer or a butterfly net to get shit out of the trifle. ...If you asked old Garrett why he stole, he'd answer "Because I need to pay rent and it's the only thing I'm good at. So shut up and let go of your wallet." New Garrett would, and indeed does, give the answer "Because it's what I do." No, Garrett, it's what you're currently doing. Hey, Yahtzee, why are you kicking new Garrett in the stomach? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M CURRENTLY DOING! [291] Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 [ edit ] It is a nice idea to be able to play Dracula. I look forward to the game that allows us to do so, rather than the shirtless, mopey pantywaist presented for us here. Despite constant lip service to him being the Prince of Darkness, all the creatures of Darkness are trying to kill him as well. Dracula does not tussle with the groundlings, like a terrier at the bear baiting; Dracula does not do mandatory stealth sections; Dracula does not fetch quest! Dracula is the guy at the far end of an army of minions, slouched on a throne, tossing expensive wine glasses aside 'cause he couldn't give two licks of a used tampon for whoever has to shampoo the carpet! [292] Titanfall [ edit ] Well, this may surprise you, but I've been making more of an effort to do the multiplayer thing lately, partly for therapeutic reasons. Dark Souls helped; that game feels like it's trying to wean you on to social interaction. First you find someone's note advising you to be wary of fatty, then you hire stalwart fellows to help you out with the boss fight (none of whom have headset mics so close to their mouths that you feel like their every utterance is trying to beat your ears to death with racial epithets). The turning point came when I was invaded, but the attacker bowed upon seeing me, a gesture of recognition to mark a duel between equals. "You know what?" I thought, "Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of people all the time." So while he was bowing, I ran up and stuck my halberd up his ass. "MAYBE IT'S PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ME!!" [294] The Amazing Spider-Man 2 [ edit ] It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favourite nancy boys prancing about in leotards. And lest we think Sony's generosity ends with Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Film, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without being reminded of Amazing Spider-Man 2 if you don't want to. You can wake up in the morning and go from Amazing Spider-Man 2 Toothbrush to Amazing Spider-Man 2 Happy Meal to Amazing Spider-Man 2 Nitrogen Asphyxiation Chamber. There's just one tiny little stumbling block in the whole system and that's the fact Amazing Spider-Man 2 is absolute wank, by most accounts. But I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly speaking need all those schools, do they? In all honesty, I haven't seen the film, but that's good. That means however absolute the wank situation, it can't possibly taint my view of Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game. So here goes... Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game is absolute wank. D'oh! Better luck next time. [296] Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure [ edit ] Tesla Effect is a brand new, successfully Kickstarted Tex Murphy adventure, boldly bringing its signature FMV style to an age of HD. Although it does mean that a little lighthearted, niche adventure game ends up clocking up 12 sodding gigabytes of space. But what else besides HD video could do justice to every line that Chris Jones' face has acquired since he last played Tex Murphy in 1998? Sorry, that was needlessly cruel. We can't help how we age, nor, indeed, can game mechanics. [297] Wolfenstein: The New Order [ edit ] One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. "Hey, this guy's a Nazi; would you like to drown him in his own piss?" the game might ask. "Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss," we might reply. But despite that, New Order puts the effort into making hating Nazis feel fresh again. One of the first things we do is watch a soldier shoot a room full of hospital patients before we stab him right up the lebensraum, and the principal villains only need to smile and play card games to become infinitely hateable. [298] Murdered: Soul Suspect [ edit ] ...The story is competent as murder mystery goes: You're wrong-footed by obvious suspects; events recontextualize as the facts unfold; and some people get murdered in it, which I always think is crucial to the genre. And the supernatural elements throw a few curve balls, but at least remain internally consistent, unlike the fact that a man who wears a fedora and vest somehow managed to convince someone to marry him without choking on their own vomit during the vows. [An imp holds up a publicity photo of Yahtzee, which depicts him wearing a fedora and a vest] ... Well I never said I wasn't a hypocrite! [299] Tomodachi Life [ edit ] If a game like, say The Witcher , wants to have a relationship system but slap the player's knuckles whenever they reach for the sausage-platter, then fair enough. Even in branching fiction, the creator is entitled to declare some things to be out of character. Tomodachi Life, meanwhile, encourages you to populate it with the Miis of real-life friends and family, and to disallow same-sex relationships in it is to tacitly deny that they exist in reality. Or at least to assume that no gay person or friend of a gay person could possibly be playing it, 'cause they're all off playing their special gay games for gay people that come in pink boxes adorned with chest-hair. Let's not dismiss the relationship system, for it is one of the few ways we are granted agency. When someone wants to make a friend or take a friendship to the next level, they must request your approval, like you're the stern, overseeing patriarch of a Jonestown -style death-cult. Maybe you'll want to seize the opportunity to finally enforce your will and make your community completely racially segregated to appease Lady Hitler. But personally, I just allowed whatever, except when a love triangle arose between two strapping, young fellows and an obese, elderly woman, which I swiftly put a stop to. I'd given these character enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turning them into granny-fiddlers, too. [300] Shovel Knight [ edit ] If genealogy is your thing, Shovel Knight lies at the bottom of a family tree more rampantly incestuous than the fucking Lannisters , combining DNA from Super Mario 3 , Zelda 2 , Castlevania , DuckTales , and a big, eager, sticky mouthful of Mega Man . It's like the fucking Captain Planet of NES games: "By your powers combined, I will now bleep like someone doing squeaky farts in a tin elevator." Five minutes ago, a bloke the size of a pregnant bus jumped down and hit me with a metal windsurfing sail that he seems to think is a sword, and that didn't even take off a whole health point. Now I'm being splattered across four dimensions 'cause my elbow brushed against the stucco ceiling. I'm a trifle miffed! [301] Earthbound [ edit ] It's a quirky game above all else. You name your character - standard JRPG practice - but you also have to name his favourite food that appears in dialogue a whole bunch. And if your first instinct is not to enter something along the lines of "cock" then you simply do not possess a soul. You use baseball bats and frying pans as weapons and fight animated STOP signs and hippies, so the 'quirky random humour' thing runs along the surface like baked beans sliding down a clown's face. But there's a dark surrealism running under it as well, as indicated by a soundtrack that alternates between fun, jaunty melodies and weird electronic ambiènce, like someone left a theremin in Buffalo Bill's house. [302] Transistor [ edit ] When I said the game is, "hack and slash," it might be better described as, 10 HACK; 20 SLASH; 30 GOTO 10. You're given numerous "functions" that can either be assigned to a button as an attack, or assigned to an already-assigned attack as a modifier, or assigned to a passive slot as a buff. That probably needs clarifying, so let's say you have a function called Tits (bracket, close brackets), assign it to the X button, and pressing that button will launch a pair of big sweaty baps that will smash a single enemy's head around like a chickpea in a ball pit. Or: You can assign SoapyWank (brackets, close brackets) to the X button and then modify it with Tits(), so that an enemy hit by SoapyWank() will suffer the additional effect of soapy tit wank. OR: Assign Tits() to the passive buff slot to give your character higher defense against incoming mammary-based damage. And like a big lovely pair of sweaty baps, this also took me a while to get my head around. [303] E.T. [ edit ] Atari were of a mind that giving game designers credit for the games made about as much sense as crediting the office carpet or venetian blinds, and a bunch of designers disagreed and split off to form Activision . Essentially, this blew the starting whistle for 3rd-party development, flooding the market with badly-made, derivative garbage by inexperienced companies. The enormous letdown of such a hugely anticipated game as E.T. merely caused the scales to fall from the eyes of the buying public: "Hey! All these overpriced, bleep-y games with pixels the size of Post-It notes are actually kinda shit!" Yeah, seems obvious to us, but cut them some slack. It was the '80s; they still thought Bananarama was good. [304] Firefall [ edit ] Firefall has a plot. And frankly, after a bunch of hours playing, that's all I'm prepared to state with certainty. From what I remember, Earth's fucked. A dice was rolled on the usual "Fuck the Earth" table and on this occasion it landed on, "Big Asteroid." But wait! Firefall plays its "Roll Again" card with a +1 modifier and the Earth gets fucked a second time when the dice lands on, "Misuse of Miracle Element." Slow down, intro cinematic; I'm still mentally digesting the first round of fucking! Thankfully, neither fucking is the kind that means we don't get to fly cool spaceships or wear glowing armor, so we boldly step into this bleak arena now the backstory's been hurled at us like a fucking custard pie. [305] Sacred 3 [ edit ] You know, what pisses me off is that all the things I'm good at are things that everyone assumes they could do if they tried. Playing the bassoon or fluffing a walrus people respect, 'cause there's a specialist skill goes into those, but writing? "Pah! I learnt that in school! Fucking aced it! They made me start doing it all in joined-up letters just to give everyone else a chance! And that, Mr. Croshaw, is why I felt my background in production made me qualified to rewrite all the story copy you did for us to be more like a recent popular film." "Well, you know what I say to that, Mr. Producer? Fifty dollars an hour, please." Blimey, I wonder how people with integrity get through life? [306] Risen 3: Titan Lords‎ [ edit ] Risen may have more skills than the size of its world can support, distributing them rather unevenly among a dense population of same-y NPCs. And the necessity of having to converse with every single one of the dreary fuckwits to determine the quests they can give and the skills they can teach gives Risen a little bit too much trough and not enough peak. It's all rather monotone -- converse with one white dude with brown hair and a regional British accent, conversed with them all. Even the first three recruitable crew members are all white dudes with brown hair and regional British accents. I'm not asking for the Mass Effect thing, where they're all different species: one human, one goblin, one pistol shrimp. Nor am I asking for achingly politically correct diversity until it resembles fucking Sesame Street . Just more ways to tell the fuckers apart would be nice! [307] Daikatana‎ [ edit ] As negative press grew and grew concerning nepotism and mass resignations , and magazine ads informed a restless gaming public that they were John Romero's cellmate and he'd claimed the top bunk (as it were), outright hostility was brewing. At this point, the universe takes two paths: One in which Romero spearheads a bold artistic movement in game design as a misunderstood genius, burdened with the egotism that often strikes the auteur; or Romero is forever lambasted as a boob, so massive that even the most determined baby would struggle to get its gob around it. And which universe we ended up with hinged on one thing: Daikatana not being a pile of execrable garbage. Better luck next time, universe. [308] Lichdom: Battlemage [ edit ] Oh, for fuck's sake! Why didn't they just call it, "Battlemage?" That's a really fucking good title -- punchy, memorable, gets the point across. I'd call my dog, "Battlemage!" Fuck it; I'd call my kid "Battlemage" (the playground beatings would be very character building)! Best of all, you feel like you can say it in conversation without having to prize the words through your teeth, like a stubborn Werther's Original . Our story starts with a literal moustache-twirling villain walking into your house, weeing on your carpet and licking all the doorknobs, and then walking out while everyone laughs at your stupid, sad face. Whereupon a mysterious man in a hood grants you the power to shoot fire out of your hands and tells you to go nuts. I suppose if you're making a fantasy game, there is no fantasy like power fantasy. [309] The Sims 4 [ edit ] So presumably, you know what The Sims is by this point: It's the best possible argument against the existence of a benevolent interventionist god, in which you direct small groups of dollhouse residents until they cease to amuse, then burn their lives to the ground and laugh at their betrayed tears. But before you start assembling your psychotic single white female-esque campaign of torment, do bear in mind that there isn't any swimming in Sims 4. So you can no longer lure them into the pool and delete the ladder, which was so iconic to the series, they might as well have removed the green diamond thing. What The Sims is is a consumerist middle class fantasy about walling yourself off from the real world and reducing all measurement of human development and personal success to one's possessions -- your dragon's hoard of crass, suburban decadence. And in that game of Top Trumps, the swimming pool is a kingly crown. It's always the first thing on my progress list when I play The Sims, after a second toilet and a TV bigger than my left bumcheek. I suppose it might be shallow to pick apart every individual detail that has been cut down, and a broader perspective might appreciate the formula being streamlined a bit. But on the other hand, it's the fucking Sims! It's the poster boy for shallowness. It's about smooth-skinned Stepford Wives competing to have the nicest wallpaper, as they willfully ignore the emaciated children sucking on a rat's armpit for nourishment, somewhere outside the pastel walls of their gated community. And to start removing the flatscreen tellies and power showers of gameplay features shows more blatant misunderstanding of its audience than the Black-And-White Minstrels tour of the South African prison system. [310] The Evil Within [ edit ] It plays like somebody said, "Hey, make a horror game!" And somebody else said, "Okay, what about?" "I've just told you, about horror." "No, I mean, what happens in it? What's the context? What are the major themes you want to work with?" "Horror, horror, and horror! Jesus Christ, just do it! Why are you so difficult to work with?" And so the result is this undisciplined mishmash of horror set pieces and imagery barely justified by a toilet-tissue-flimsy plot, populated entirely by stock characters. [311] Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare [ edit ] CODAW starts off on the right foot when we're introduced to our hero taking off his helmet to reveal that he's a white dude with awful facial hair. We then turn to his best friend who takes off his helmet to reveal that he's the exact same, identical white dude with awful facial hair. Then they start talking about their dads because it's always dads, isn't it? There are no mothers in Call of Duty's world. Soldiers are birthed fully formed from the tail pipes of their father's restored Cadillacs. Our friend, who's identical to ourselves, dies in a very heroic and insecure way, and at the funeral, we are introduced to his father, Kevin Spacey, who is the only white guy in the plot who doesn't have atrocious facial hair which I suppose means that he's the baddie. I'd spoiler that since he doesn't properly villain it up until a ways in the game, but come on! It's Kevin Spacey; of course he's the villain. He's got two faces: smart arsed and recently punched for being a smart arse. Kevin Spacey essentially becomes a G.I. Joe villain. The usual anomalously well-organized terrorist strike cripples most of the world, so Kevin Spacey rolls in, takes the credit for ending terrorism, and becomes the most powerful corporation on Earth. And then, having essentially conquered the world with money and minimal force, Kevin Spacey decides his next course of action will be to invade the United States. Yeah, this is where I sort of lose his train of logic. I mean, he practically runs the world already at that point; but I guess conquest just doesn't feel like conquest 'till you've stuck a flag in someone else's shit. And he openly announces his intentions to take over the world in a speech at the United Nations, after which the world turns against him and I want to know what the fuck he was expecting would happen after he stopped talking - pyjama party? [312] Far Cry 4 [ edit ] Where Brody became a killing machine out of desperate survival need and enough drugs to occupy Amy Winehouse for one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ghale only does it essentially because somebody told him to and he didn't want to make a fuss. He's just a dope who does nothing but agree with the last thing he heard. And everyone around him seems to realize it, you can tell from the way characters give him mission briefings. Every single time they make some token instructing noises, give him a little encouraging smack on the bum and close the door in his face and go back to the TV. Ajay's story eventually leads to his parent's dark secret that explains why the villain has an interest in him. But since Ajay reacts to the revelation like a St. Bernard being told he can't have another biscuit, my first thought was "Any chance we could play as your parents instead? They sound more interesting than you." The main plot thread concerns the resistance being torn between two leaders, one old-fashioned and moralistic, and the other extreme but pragmatic, and you have to decide which one to support. They both have good points, it was a somewhat interesting dilemma and I put quite a bit of thought into my decisions. But what I wanted was some sodding payoff. And at the end of it all, you install you preferred dictator and they go "Cheers, for that", smack on the bum, close door in face. This must be what it's like to be the American secretary of state. And then you trudge up main villain's house and they're all like "Don't look at me, my ending's completely anticlimactic as well." Riding elephants is one of those things I didn't realize I wanted until I had it. It's just fun to stampede into a ring of soldiers or, indeed, wolves and go "What's up motherfuckers? The elephant in the room is that you're all fucking dead." [313] Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric [ edit ] The plot opens with Sonic et al., running fast and fighting Dr. Eggrobotmannik. Blimey, that's a bold stride in a new direction! No wonder we needed a fucking reboot! In short order, Sonic frees an evil snake monster from the past who claims that it was Sonic himself who imprisoned him a thousand years ago. And so the plot starts making time travel noises as Sonic is transported back to do the thing he already did. You might reasonably think at this point that we're setting up a Zelda-esque mechanic wherein we hop back and forth between two different time periods throughout the game, and you'd be all wrong and a bag of chips! We go back in time, imprison the poor bastard, and come straight back. It's never brought up again and we're not even a quarter of the way through the game! No, I know what it is. It's an endurance test. You see how much of the dialogue you can listen to before you slice you own ears off with a paper guillotine. Or perhaps just turn the volume down, you spaz. "Getting sniffy about random quips not meeting your comedy standards again, are we Yahtzee?" (Referring to Sunset Overdrive ) I would be if they were quips. They seem more like matter-of-fact running commentary. "Bounce pad!" announces Sonic as he touches a bounce pad. "It's bounce pad time!" he adds. "I'm bouncing off something with pad-like characteristics!" he clarifies. And when it's not that, it's the game weakly attempting to praise itself. "This is amsoewe[sic]!" cries a sprinting character as they face-plant into another rock. "This place looks amazing!" they say, taking in the boxy buildings worthy of a pre-analogue sticks PS1 game. But saying something isn't enough to make it true, unless you say something like, "Sega are attracting derision, the massive wankers!" And when the dialoge isn't awful quips or self-aggrandizement, it's just treating the player like an absolute cretin. (As Sonic Boom) "That wall looks breakable. I noticed you haven't broken it in the 2.7 seconds since I last mentioned that. That's cool. I'll check again in 2.8 seconds." What makes you think I'm this stupid, Sonic Boom? "You bought me." Touché. [314] Talos Principle [ edit ] You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of The Prisoner . [315] Dying Light [ edit ] This ostensibly new IP plays a lot like Dead Island, I thought, before noticing that it comes to us from the same developer as Dead Island, which confused me for a bit 'cause I assumed they were working on Dead Island 2, currently represented by a pre-rendered trailer that, as always, tells us as much about the game as it does about freshwater fly fishing. But apparently that's being developed by Yager, creators of Spec Ops: The Line, a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and violence while getting a lovely suntan. But I digress. Dying Light is a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and OH, GOD, EVERYTHING'S SPIRALIING IN ON ITSELF! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME? JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MY OWN BUTTOCKS! [316] The Order: 1886 [ edit ] In fact, The Order seems to be making eye-contact with Ryse: Son of Rome, as they both stare forlornly out through the fences of their respective death-camps. They are the stuff of the "spunkgargleweewee"-modern-shooter behind the thin disguise of an alternative setting; a "funkmarbleteehee" if you will. In fact, the moment that crossed my mind, I realized that the plot of The Order is point-for-point identical to the plot of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare: We are "Sir Galahad"; a veteran, loyal member of the Order with the face of Al Swearengen from Deadwood and the vocabulary of a shaved bear, pledged to defend the land from evil terrorists -- I mean, werewolves -- but then finds himself having to fight off a civilian resistance, and in situations like this, you can put money down right fucking now on his high-tech, authoritarian big-boys club proving corrupt and him switching sides to a resistance movement surprisingly accepting of a dude who murdered two-hundred of their mates that morning. In the run-up to release, I'd gotten the idea that The Odor: 1886 was a four-player co-op shooter -- going again by the teaser and the four characters on the box-art, arranged with equal prominence. I wonder if that might once have been the intention because, of the three characters on the box besides Galahad, none of them are still participating in the plot by the final level, as if in the original first draft they were supposed to have been tagging along with you. Although having said that, the main villain is also no longer participating in the plot at the end. To go back to the Advanced Warfare comparison: It's like if Kevin Spacey just flat out hadn't appeared in the final mission and the final boss fight was instead with Kevin Spacey's pet Staffordshire Terrier, with Kevin Spacey mockingly saluting from a hang-gilder with 'Sequel Hook' written on it. [317] Battlefield Hardline [ edit ] As for the actual plot, well, why don't you fill in the blanks yourself? You're a cop on the blank, you get blanked for a blank you didn't commit, and now you're out for blank and to clear your blank. The new modern shooter is officially the old detective thriller with gradual shift to heist movie in the second half. What confuses me, though, is that, even after you've been wrongly accused and are on the run, you can still arrest people. In fact, when the evil private cops show up to arrest you, you can arrest them back! What organisation is going to come around and pick those guys up?! The criminal police from Opposite Land who give talks to high-school kids on how drugs are really great and everyone should take them? [318] Mortal Kombat X [ edit ] I'm surprised by how many original characters are introduced in MKX. There's even a gay one, apparently, and it's not the one dressed as a cowboy (which I call a fucking missed opportunity ). "Original" might be a poor choice of words, actually; one of the new characters is blatantly Master Blaster from Mad Max 3 , and most of the rest are the younger offspring, cousins, and catamite love slaves of the returning old farts. I remember saying about MK9 that it was written like a subpar superhero comic trying to earn a tax rebate on red ink, and that comparison's only getting stronger now that everyone's got a fucking teenage sidekick! The trademark extreme violence feels rather incongruous combined with this whole Muppet Babies concept: You can play the story campaign and watch Johnny Cage complain to his ex-wife, Sonya Blade, that she never makes time for their daughter any more, and then you can go into one of the non-story modes and watch Johnny Cage snap his daughter in half lengthways like a giant Kit Kat. [319] Splatoon [ edit ] So what other online content is there? "Other online content?" said Splatoon, bemused. "We've got a whole two maps! You can wear different shirts that no one besides you will ever notice or care about! What more you do want?" Two maps?! "No, of course not just two maps! We wouldn't be much of a multiplayer-focused game with only two maps, would we? We've actually got five maps, thank you very much. But we artifically restrict you to two and change them every few hours." Okay. Why? "What's with all the fucking questions?! You see anyone else complaining?" said Splatoon, pointing to the many player avatars standing around the lobby like Village of the Damned with Miiverse posts floating over their head saying things like: [in a droning monotone] "This is the best game ever," and, "Hooray for Splatoon," and, "My connection died again. Whoops, I mean: I love Nintendo," and, "Thanks to Nintendo and to local gaming retailer for bringing me this great game." That was a real message I actually saw. How many checks do you think that guy is cashing? [320] Batman: Arkham Knight [ edit ] The problem with super-hero movies is that they only have three plots: Villain endangers hero's loved one; hero faces villain who is dark reflection of themselves, villain threatens to cover a city in gas that will make everyone as petty as they are. Arkham Knight goes through all three, multiple times, with varying degrees of disconnect and all messily layering over each other like an orgy in a poorly-made lasagna. [322] Everybody's Gone To The Rapture [ edit ] I suppose my first major problem with the story is that I assumed I was crawling through the village on my overloaded mobility scooter to discover the nature of the mysterious event that happened to it. It's rather swiftly established that everyone got disappeared by space magic; but after completing the game, I still didn't have any explanation better than, "Everyone got disappeared by space magic." Which raised the obvious question of what the hell we have been learning for the last three hours! Well, we know that scientist-guy is a complete douche-balloon because his mom is the Lord High Empress of The Busybody Cattlecunts, and we witnessed a bunch of other interpersonal conflicts that all ended rather anti-climatically when — you guessed it — everyone got disappeared by space magic. But you know what? Everybody Wants to Rule the World was never intended to be traditional story-telling: What with events playing out for us in essentially random order. So now — as well as being glued to the side of a gazelle — the book's being chewed up by the honey badger riding on the gazelle's back. Maybe, rather than a linear mystery to be unlocked by the end, I should see it as immersing myself in the larger world of the characters. The problem with that is: I don't like any of the characters and I'd sooner immerse myself in a vat of cold Marmite! I think I'm supposed to sympathise with the American scientist lady, because this is rural England and the locals read the words "American scientist lady" the same way they read the words "Venusian ballerina crab". But she's hardly meeting them half-way; treating them like idiots and reacting hypersensitively to their blissful ignorance, like a cat that shares a litterbox with a hedgehog. [323] Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain [ edit ] ...Konami recently decided they're going to take everything they've built over the years as a game developer, arrange it nicely in front of them, and then pick up a big hammer and smash and smash and smash and smash and smash. "Sorry we had to cancel Silent Hills, but we kind of lost our interest in it around the same time we lost our fucking miiiiiinds! Here, have a pachinko machine instead. We like pachinko machines, 'cause it's nice to have something around that has some fucking balls. Also, fuck off, Hideo Kojima; you're too reliably bankable for our liking. We'd much rather stick our feet up our arse and bounce down the stairs making burbling noises with our lips! Brblbblbblbb!" Although Phantom Pain doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, 'cause Hideo Kojima's name is all over it, to a frankly quite psychotic degree. Christ knows why every individual mission has to have its own credit sequence unless Hideo's worried we've all got short-term memory loss. I know you're the director, Hideo; there's a mentally damaged woman over there with her tits hanging out, of course it's by you! [324] Until Dawn [ edit ] I have a soft spot for the slasher movie. Not that they're ever anything above god-awful. I mean; calling Friday the 13th "art" is like calling a face full of crusted shit "cosmetic surgery". But I like them because there's something very essentially cathartic about watching a bunch of complete twats get completely twatted. When the parade of out-of-work actors in their mid-to-late twenties pretending to be carefree teenagers with unfeasibly easy access to expensive holiday real estate seem to find no end of amusement in jumping out at each other ten million times across the first hour as the soundtrack shrieks like Sharon Stone just recrossed her legs in front of the violinists, Jason Voorhees is acting out the growing desires of the audience as he starts slitting them up like Christmas presents with good dentistry. Until Dawn is an interactive story of the David Cage school pushed through the filter of slasher movie, with the promise being that, if we make all the right decisions, perhaps we can keep all the out-of-work twenty-something actors alive. I don't think you were paying attention, Until Dawn! I will have made the right decisions if every single one of those gurgleburgs ends up upholstering the soft furnishings in Leatherface's man cave! [Until Dawn] also owes something to Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, in that it tries to psychologically evaluate you to an extent, albeit with considerably less subtlety. At one point, a character brazenly asks, "Say, which three of these things do you find scariest?" And lo and behold; the three you pick will show up later! That seems like an easy system to game: "No, really! I'm terrified of Magners Cider, Jaffa Cakes, and handjobs!" [325] SOMA [ edit ] SOMA feels like a decent, melancholy sci-fi mystery story living next door to a sci-fi horror B movie whose dog keeps escaping and jumping in our swimming pool (what a little bastard), and you can really feel the game struggling to mesh the two, right up until the end when it blows a little raspberry and gives up trying. On the way to the final area, to conclude the Simon story, a new character literally appears from nowhere, pops his head around the door, and says: "Sorry to interrupt, player, but before you tie up the main plot, could we borrow you for five minutes to tie up the shitty monster plot as well?" So you follow him into a little room, press one button labeled, "Resolve Shitty Monster Plot," and then get on with what you were doing. I'm only slightly exaggerating! So I suppose if Antoine de Saint-Exupéry were here, he'd ask, "Would SOMA be improved if they took out the monster stealthing altogether and got by with exploration, puzzles, and environmental hazards? Also, didn't I die in 1944?" Well, I'd say so, Antoine, but if they took out the scary monsters, what else are the streamers and Let's Players supposed to obnoxiously overreact to? "AAAHHH! IT'S SO EXISTENTIAL!" [326] Assassin's Creed Syndicate [ edit ] I once described the Assassin's Creed series as a line graph and here's how it continues: From the point that Unity was at, draw a perfectly horizontal line. We've jumped 60 years and about 250 miles, but we haven't budged a fucking inch. I wouldn't say Syndicate is the worst Sassy Credo, but it might well be the laziest. Lazily written, certainly. We play as twins, Jacob and Evie Frye, one of them is brash and reckless and direct-combat-oriented, the other is smart and measured and more suited to stealth. I'll leave you to guess which one's the boy and which one's the girl, but here's a hint: Try to think like the laziest writer in the fucking universe. Remember how Leonardo was a major character in Screedo 2, and the friendship between him and Ezio was actually firmly established? Well, the sideburns muscled that out, too, 'cause every meeting with a historical figure in Syndicate plays like something from a fucking kids' TV series: "Hello, I'm the famous Charles Dickens." "Hello, the famous Charles Dickens; we're stand-ins for the audience." "Hello, stand-ins. I guess that means I can inexplicably enlist you to solve my problems." "What problems, the famous Charles Dickens?" "It's all these random thugs stopping me from finishing the famous books I write. If only there was someone around here who could brutally stab them all to death for me." Mind you, I said we haven't moved anywhere since Unity, but at least Unity tried to play a bit with the idea of Assassins and Templars not being a totally uncomplicated good-versus-evil situation; whereas in Syndicate, the best and only argument for opposing the main villain is: "Fucking look at the guy! He's like someone drew a Snidely Whiplash moustache onto a picture of Joseph Goebbels!" [327] Halo 5: Guardians [ edit ] Turns out Cortana's big dramatic death scene in the last game wasn't for realisies, but one could kinda predict that from the mere fact that there is a Halo 5 at all. It doesn't take a giant space-protractor to calculate that Master Chief and Cortana are the only marketable faces of the franchise; which is not even because they're good or interesting characters. It's only because Mr. Chuffy is the protagonist and Cortana flaps her big blue knockers about like a gelatin dessert on a merry-go-round. The funny thing is, even in-universe, everyone seems to realize that Mr. Chuffy and his little blue titty-monster are the only characters of any importance. So when Mr. Chuffy reports having a weird dream about Cortana being alive and calling him to distant planet, not a single person so much as hazards the possibility that it was just a dream and maybe he'll forget all about if they buy him a new wank-doll for Christmas. No, they're all like, "Ooh, this is serious! We better go to that planet, then!" The action is split between the four Spartans trying to hunt down Mr. Chuffy and Mr. Chuffy himself, who also has three finger puppets with him for no better reason than because his bits needs to be four player co-op as well. Any potential that might have been here for some kind of tense or dramatic character interplay is lost by the fact that Halo continues to seem like it was written by a castrated slug. The crime for which Mr. Chuffy is being hunted is so completely fucking weak that the two parties can barley summon the effort to be cross at each other when they do meet. Two of them have a token punch-up about midway through that has more the air of two blind people trying to politely get past each other in a crowded restaurant. It might have helped if it had been playable! But Halo 5's attitude seems to be that nothing ruins an action sequence faster than players. The game opens with the four members of the B-Team having a huge spectacular punch-up in a war zone, at which point I went, "HOLY, WOW! Look at that! The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caladonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don't know fighting other people I don't know for reasons unexplained could be as interesting." After all, I know the backstory for that stain. It was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched Free Willy for the first time. [328] Fallout 4 [ edit ] Bethesda RPGs are always deeply explorative, but never immersive. They make for some great screenshots, but the moment it has to start living and animating, you find it full of blank-eyed computer programs who struggle to navigate a six-lane highway without a carelessly-placed dog turd making their path-finding bugger up, and who have a weird habit of mysteriously vanishing in front of doors, which the doors always find so surprising that they momentarily forget how doors are supposed to work. [329] Devil's Third [ edit ] The quickest possible description for [Devil's Third] would be, "Poor Man's Metal Gear Solid," and I mean really poor; like the kind of Metal Gear Solid that was brewed from ketchup packets in a prison toilet. You know how Hideo Kojima's approach to including real world politics and history in his games is to read the first line of the Wikipedia page and then get bored and set a whale on fire? Devil's Third somehow does even less, and seems to have gotten its understanding of the world from what could be barked at it through the door-hatch as it was passed its morning bowl of gruel. How's this for -- let's charitably call it -- misguided: The main character is an inmate in Guantanamo Bay, which in this reality is an underground prison by way of Beyond Thunderdome populated exclusively by white, American Metallica enthusiasts. Anyway. I should probably tell you what genre of game Devil's Third is. Well, you can't pin it down as simply as that, as it drunkenly meanders between several different rooms of the Gameplay House like it just got in from a bender and can't remember where it left its kebab. It's a hack-n-slash, shooter, military, horror, character drama, bad fashion-sense simulator making the classic mistake that a bit of everything creates some kind of sumptuous buffet, when here in the real world one does not put cola cubes, live bait, and Mini Babybels in the same pick 'n' mix bag. Clearly, not enough of us gave our lives in the trenches of Ride to Hell: Retribution for everyone to learn that a brawler and a shooter don't get along in the same space. [330] The Witness & Bombshell [ edit ] The Witness is a new game by Jonathan Blow. Ironically, it sucks! Mneh-eh-eh-eh-obnoxious-laugh! "Awww, the mean ol' puzzles hurt Yahtzee-Boo-Boo's fragile little gamey-brainy-wain. Perhaps you'd be more suited to the kind of puzzle where you only draw straight lines connecting a shotgun barrel to a foreign insurgent's left testicle." HEY! Twat-Finder General! I solved the puzzles. I just wasn't having fun doing so. I completed the whole island, turned on all the laser beams, opened up the mountain to what I suspect was the final climactic area, and then the game threw fifteen more line-drawing puzzles at my face, and, frankly, fuck that! "Congratulations on getting through that bowl of dog food, player. Here's your reward: another helping of dog food." "Hey, Yahtzee," said Steam towards the end of the week. "Do you remember that announcement trailer you saw a while back for a game called Bombshell?" "I do indeed! It was one of the worst trailers I've ever seen. I think they made it by gluing poser models together with cold spunk!" "Oh... well, the game's out now." "Peachy-fucking-KEEN!" Gravity Rush [ edit ] I did hear the game was alright, but I wasn't gonna buy a fuckin' PS Vita to play it. That'd be like adopting an incontinent chimpanzee 'cause you fancy the lady who comes 'round to change his nappies. Thankfully, a remastered version of Gravity Rush came out last week for the PS 4, which I very much appreciate, because I'm sick of all this "mad people" privilege in modern society; they get all these exclusive games, they hog all the fun medications, and there seems to be a whole bunch of them running for president at the moment. [332] XCOM 2 [ edit ] Twenty years have passed since the last game, the Earth has come under the control of an oppressive alien regime fronted by a dorky human collaborator, and when the silent protagonist gets released from suspended animation the resistance can finally get started. Because no one was willing to get off their ass and defend themselves without the presence of this one gormless mute. But enough about the plot of Half-Life 2; let's talk about XCOM 2 instead. [333] Firewatch & Layers of Fear [ edit ] As for Layers of Fear, like P.T. , it's not much more than a showcase of spooky set pieces. But P.T. never claimed to be a complete game! Makes me think of Evil Within : you try to make an entire game out of a delusional nightmare sequence, and it gets boring 'cause it never lets up, and the nightmare becomes the norm. Bid us to sit down and pull the chair away as we do so, but don't keep doing it; do it once, then apologize, let us sit for a while, wait 'til we're calm, then throw spiders at our face and burn the house down! [334] Far Cry Primal [ edit ] You're in the wrong place if you're looking for an engaging plot, or indeed any plot. You might think the shit I described so far constitutes a plot, but you’d be wrong. The killer sabertooth tiger that sparks off the adventure we kill later on as one of the big hunt missions without even much prominence. I ousted both the rival tribes, who, I'll just reiterate, we aren't given much reason to oppose except that they'd also quite like to survive the winter. But the game still didn't end! This is the game that Ubisoft's sandboxes have been tacitly threatening to turn into for quite some time now: One where all sense of structural progress is kept as vague as possible for want of turning the game into a platform for a series of disconnected events and repetitive challenges, I suspect because it's easier for the inevitable fucking DLC to slot into like a bloodstained erection. But you know what, I'm with you, Ubisoft. Who needs some uppity creative trying to dictate to me how to experience their creation? I mean, where did the creators of Breaking Bad get off telling me I should watch season one before season two?! Oh, because I quote "won't understand what's going on?" You don't know me! And who does this Shakespeare motherfucker think he is, putting the pages in numbered order?! I am the master of my domain, I choose to shuffle them all up and read the text from right to left! [335] Tom Clancy's The Division [ edit ] Whenever a new Tom Clancy game comes out, I always have to double-check his Wikipedia page to make sure he's still dead. He's prolific for a corpse! We are a member of a secret government agency called "The Division", that consists of agents secretly inserted throughout the general population for... no particular reason, now being activated to go into ruined Manhattan and jolly well sort it out! 'Cause it turns out, Wayne LaPierre was right all along: the only thing that can stop a bad roving pack of murderous thugs is a good roving pack of murderous thugs. So let me see if I've got this straight, the corpse of Tom Clancy: We're a member of the secret police under no official scrutiny or accountability, and our job is to go into an area of civil unrest and murder dissenting citizens without trial, and it's not set in Stalinist Russia? "Now we can take these back to the people!" said my earpiece friend after a supply recovering mission. Sorry, which people were those again? Presumably not the people in whose corpses I now stand knee-deep? Oh right, you meant the "real" people; the ones that bowed and scraped when the government assassination squad showed up. See, the premise would have worked perfectly well if we'd just been some random citizen doing our bit to take back the city, Charles Bronson style, baby! The only thing the secret police thing adds is to make us less relatable and give hard-ons to the paranoid authoritarian lot, who want to believe that the government will finally sort out those intimidating young people who stand around outside their house talking loudly. If you ask me, the overt RPG mechanics make the game even more frighteningly tone-deaf. I mean, there are moments when certain characters beam down from Planet Sensible and call out the whole "unaccountable secret police" thing, and the game does present it like he's making a valid point. But then the cutscene ends and we go straight back to "Oh boy, time to fight some Level 20 disenfranchised citizens! Watch out for the elite enemies, they get more health from being extra disenfranchised!" The tone's all over the place. One moment you find an audio log of someone using the mummified corpses of their children to get the campfire started, the next you're talking to one of those wacky section commanders who all have a single hilarious personality quirk, like they keep talking about their TV career or how they used to work at the zoo jerking off polar bears. It's a big fat indicator that the game had nine different writers who spent the whole dev cycle locked in different toilet cubicles. [336] Uncharted 4: A Thief's End [ edit ] Uncharted 4 is very decisively the final game in the series about exploring marvelous lost cities in many exotic international locations, while controlling an insufferable, murdering pillock whose dialogue is ten percent smug quips and ninety percent exertion noises. And Uncharted 4 has concluded that the insufferable pillock is the part we're invested in. I feel this is making the same mistake as the new Tomb Raiders, trying to focus on the protagonist of the adventure story rather than the adventuring part. Claim to be invested in Laura Croft's character all you like, but you know you'd rather watch her outrunning an avalanche than talking earnestly about her commitment issues. I mean, strip the adventure out of Uncharted 4 and it's just "People With No Idea How to Communicate With Each Other: The Game"! I know that's kinda the point when Nathan Drake creates a rift with his wife, by not telling her he is going on an adventure, but towards the end when they are together again and are having a big reconnecting scene, these people who've been married for years still can't fucking communicate! All they do is quip and talk into their shoes; it makes me fucking cringe! I want to step in, shove them aside, and do the dialogue myself with sock puppets. If you dropped a Shakespearian character into the Uncharted universe, they would stand out like a neon-pink Johnny in a cucumber patch: Come join me now/ ye gentles all/ and crouch behind/ yon chest-high wall! I can't get up [Uncharted 4]'s ass too much, 'cause I know this is the kind of game I miss when I'm having to play shit like The Division and other games that one should be very strongly advised not to play prior to operating heavy machinery. I couldn't call Uncharted "boring", but it has now done all it can do, in which case: well done for ending it. And that's pretty conclusively ended, 'cause it's got the kind of epilogue you can't roll back from without a time machine or, more realistically, a particularly exorbitant check from Sony. [337] Mirror's Edge Catalyst [ edit ] The evil corporations are brewing an evil corporate scheme, and we can only hope that it's a scheme that can foiled by doing parkour at it. Yes, Mirror's Edge is a First Person Parkour-Em-Up, and the plot runs into the recurring issue that there are only so many situations that running somewhere very fast can assist with. The game's missions have many varied story reasons behind them, but in practical terms most of them are completed by running up to the right computer and mashing our hand on the screen. There's a memorable mission when Faith is working with the Resistance as they set out to kidnap some evil corporate type, a fairly significant development that drives most of what remains of the plot. But since at no point in the process of kidnapping someone does parkour become necessary, the whole thing takes place off-screen with Faith tasked to instead, open-quotes, "clear the path" by — you guessed it! — following a parkour path to a series of computers and mashing her hand on each screen. You get to listen to the kidnapping through your earpiece, as you gaze heavenwards and dream about what it would be to be the main character of this story. [338] Inside and Shadow of The Beast [ edit ] ...For a moment this week, the spirit of Summer of Arcade returned when the Xbone coughed up a spiritual successor to Limbo, the depressed self-harming beach babe of the 2010 frolics. So let's take a look inside... Er, sorry, I meant to say: Let's take a look at Inside. And that's going straight on to my list of game titles that are needlessly awkward to Google, alongside Fuse and Wet and Dead or Alive Xtreme 3, which is very awkward to Google if your girlfriend ever looks at your search history. Inside opens with a small child lost in a dark forest, and you are given the implied instruction to keep moving right until something tells you to stop. Nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, of course, but one could be forgiven for thinking at first glance that Playdead Studios have merely slapped a sporty red top on to the protagonist of Limbo and left it at that. It's an atmospheric puzzle/platformer of the child-lost-in-scary-world genre that remains even after all these years the fast track to indie acclaim. You have a "jump" button, and a "pull things" button, and you will die like a Game of Thrones supporting actor demanding a salary increase. But while the similarity to Limbo remains stark, things feel a little different when you start getting chased by dogs and scary men with flashlights, and we discover there's slightly more of a plot going on inside... I mean in Ins... Oh, fuck it! I'm just going to call it "Thatcher's Britain" from now on, all right? ...So it's a perfectly sound idea to try the recipe again with maybe one less cup of diarrhea and one more cup of God of War. And so, in Shadow of The Beast, we are the titular beast who resembles a purple dude wearing a Pokémon on his head. We were created as a living weapon by an evil sorcerer, we break free of their control, and proceed to murder our way through the sorcerer's minions to take up our list of grievances with the big baddie. So far, so good. Or rather, so far so God. Of War. Where the game tries to evoke the game that inspired it is in the combat, which is very much in the spirit of, "Keep pressing the 'punch' button." Enemies approach in single file from in front and back, and most of them can be instant-killed with one hit. What's the word for this strange feeling inside me, this cozy feeling of warmth and familiarity, that makes me feel like I'm in precisely the place where I'm most comfortable? Oh! I remember: Hatred. I hate this combat system. [339] The Technomancer [ edit ] Once the graduation's over, Zach starts work as a peace officer working with the evil ruling authority. So while I was at that point about as engaged as a dad chaperoning his daughter to a One Direction concert, I figured I was obliged to at least play as far as the bit where we get framed and the sinister authority turns against us, which anyone with the majority of their brain still inside their skull could see coming. Any game in which you start as a member of a sinister authority who interacts with poor people and suspiciously attractive revolutionaries will almost certainly contrive you to be no longer a member of the sinister authority before the second act, with the exception of modern warfare shooters, where you usually stay in the sinister authority and French-kiss assault rifles for six hours. [340] I Am Setsuna [ edit ] I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to one of the user-defined tags that was attached to this game on Steam: "Story Rich." I take slight issue with it, because you don't get "Story Rich" just from mugging Final Fantasy X in an alley-way and nicking their wallet; Final Fantasy X itself is only story rich in Zimbabwean Dollars. Thankfully, I Am Setsuna only nicks the pilgrimage plot-device and not the rest of Final Fantasy X's plot, and the player character, as far as I know, isn't a ghost-footballer from the future. Which brings me to the second user tag I want to bring up: "Female Protagonist", an outright stinking lie because the player character is a mercenary who becomes Setsuna's guardian. Setsuna's the important one, yes, and you can rearrange the party to put Setsuna in the vanguard if you feel you need a human shield, but it's still the mercenary whose dialogue we choose, when we make the recurring vital decision between agreeing with Setsuna or slightly sarcastically agreeing with Setsuna. Perhaps there's an argument to be made that the playable character needn't necessarily be the protagonist of the story, but if I'm honest I don't want Setsuna to be the protagonist because she's wetter than a fishing trip to Seattle. Setsuna's so fucking sweet and forgiving she gives me ice cream headache, but there's a point where we go beyond naively trusting into the realms of mental handicap; when she insists on you joining her party the only thing she knows about you is that you're a hired killer, specifically hired to kill her. "Oh player-san, I feel so comfortable around your upraised dagger and coppery stench of blood money." I made myself laugh again by imagining Setsuna meeting a rabid grizzly bear. "Oh, I just know there's goodness in your heart, Mr. Tufty." RAWR! MAUL! MAUL! [341] Deus Ex: Mankind Divided [ edit ] In the aftermath of the climax of the previous game, when someone drove all the mechanically augmented humans kill-crazy by doing the equivalent of posting an honest review of the new Ghostbusters on the Internet, humanity is reeling from the attack and the augmented humans are regarded with fear and suspicion on the off-chance that something might flip the crazy murderer switch again at any moment. So welcome to Episode 2 of the Clumsiest Racism Analogy in All of Speculative Fiction. You can't split humanity into augmented and not-augmented because having oven-hobs instead of nipples is not a trait unique to specific families (unless babies are having their legs snapped off as they emerge from the womb and replaced with shelf brackets) to say nothing of the fact that you can't make the "few bad apples" argument if literally every augmented person went off their hydraulic cyber-trolleys and a certain amount of fear might be justified if no one knows that the insane murderer switch isn't still lying around somewhere for some family dog to accidentally trip while rubbing his ass on the carpet. Hey, remember how in the original Deus Ex augmented humans were a pretty small minority and no one made much of a fuss about them because hey, turns out a bloke with JCBs lodged in his armpits is a useful thing to have in peace-keeping force or when some furniture needs assembling and that most of the conflict in the setting of that game was rooted in the divide between rich and poor and insidious population control orchestrated by corporate interests and the media? "Oh, no! Such themes would be completely irrelevant in the current climate, especially since triple-A game publishers haven't finished paying all the installments on their nuclear-equipped supervillain bunker on the moon. Let's just make it all about the people putting sandwich toasters in their kneecaps." [342] Metroid Prime: Federation Force [ edit ] Who the fuck turns to the 3DS for their online multiplayer-focused games?! I'd nominate a more suitable platform, but my list basically starts with "All of them!" I have formulated a theory. From the things we hear in the missing briefings about how Samus Aran has been running around offscreen being the best at everything, Federation Force feels like The Darkness II-style co-op campaign running in parallel to the plot of the main single player campaign that isn't actually there. So maybe there was an actual Metroid Prime 3DS game being developed at some point that had the shitty multiplayer mode that must exist as part of the game industry's pact with Satan, but resources ran thin and something had to be cut out, so they cut the single player campaign because the crazy-pills salesman came around that morning giving out free samples. And then someone said, "Wait, people will be annoyed about this decision." And their boss popped another crazy pill and said, "You're right! We'd better put in a soccer mini-game to mollify them. After all, the kind of fanboys who wasted their tender years learning to speedrun Metroid on the slim promise of pixel tittie are also notoriously keen on team sports." [343] Mafia III [ edit ] ...The game opens with a very Assassin's Creed-esque disclaimer to the effect of: "A lot of people are going to be saying very horrible racist things in this game, but please understand we had to put all that in to accurately bring the era to life. And when you think about it, not putting it in would've been even more racist. Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way: Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, coon, coon, spic!" I get that the 60's Deep South literally was more cartoonishly bigoted than a 2016 presidential candidate, but having granted themselves the all-clear to say the "N-Word", I suspect that the writer started slightly getting off on doing so. I'm not one to judge; I'm going to say the word "retard" right now for literally no reason. But don't get all hand-wringingly sanctimonious about it when your game also contains Italian gangsters with tommy-guns who talk like they're never more than three wise-cracks away from bursting into a song from Bugsy Malone! By the end of the game, I was struggling to remember why we were supposed to hate the main bad guy. He killed about 0.01% of the people we've killed and had been running a bunch of naughty crime rackets (which we've proceeded to take over and not change in any way), but he also had an overarching, sinister, diabolical scheme! ...To set up a legitimate business, leave the criminal life behind, and create a future for his children. Oh, hang on, he does say "nigger" once or twice. Well, okay then, say no more: Let's drive his harmless, old ass to suicide to show how much more enlightened we are these days! [345] Battlefield 1 [ edit ] World War I was a conflict without clear heroes or villains; just millions upon millions of young men being sent to tragic, pointless deaths in the name of nothing but an international game of political bum-bouncing, so there'll need to be a thoughtful, more morally complex approach to the storytelling. "What was that?" cries Battlefield 1 again. "Sorry, we were busy making a story campaign about rugged, English-speaking fancy-boys squinting heroically into the middle distance as they mow down dastardly, jabbering Krauts by the hundreds!" I wouldn't harp, but there's this whole bit in the introduction where an American and a German soldier lock gaze over a field strewn with bodies, and both lower their weapons in recognition of their inner humanity that can never be erased by a system that sees them as naught but expendable cogs; and then, five minutes later, it's back to "Phwor! Massacring expendable cogs sure is fun, 'eh lads?!" Even if you're playing as the German side of the multiplayer, the bloke on the briefing menu talks with zat very smug and efil German foice, ve vill punish zese stoopid Amerikan Kowboys for ze Glory of ze Kaiser! Mmmmmm... [346] Let It Die [ edit ] Let It Die kicks off with a skateboarding grim reaper wearing funky sunglasses, which is an image that leaps straight off the front cover of The Complete Dullard's Guide to Creativity. See, it's a traditionally grim thing acting in a lively and light-hearted way. That's almost as clever as putting a hat on a dog. "Shit on a midget mince biscuit! A dog in a hat?! DOGS DON'T WEAR HATS! I hope the government are keeping a watchful eye on this dangerous subversive." [The game] assigns more than one commands to some buttons like it's passive-aggressively trying to get them married. You throw your current inventory item by touching the track pad and eat it by touching the trackpad in a subtly different way. And I'm sure you can imagine there's very little overlap between "Things you want to throw at people" and "Things you want to eat"; the list starts and ends with "custard pies", and there aren't a whole lot of custard pies in the Tower of Barbs. You also cycle your inventory by touching the trackpad in a third subtly different way. Blimey, this is like trying to seduce your lady friend in a darkened cinema, and discovering that all along you were fingering her bacon sandwich. After my best character died and had no continues, I needed to pay in-game money to resurrect him instead, for you see, permadeath is only a thing that poor people have to worry about. But to make that money I had to grind with my second best avatar. But but his stats were lower and I got him killed as well. So I had to grind up with my third best to bring him back so I could continue grinding up to bring my best one back. And that's when I knew I had to get out before I got caught in an inescapable vortex of failure. I learned that lesson from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Dead Rising 4 [ edit ] The first thing you need to know, is that Dead Rising 4 doesn't have a fixed time limit or mission deadlines; you, know, the thing that every Dead Rising has and what makes them interesting, and is as much a part of Dead Rising as the sense of betrayal is part of getting kicked in the balls by your beloved horse! What it does have is linear sequences of missions that will still be waiting for you, even if you sit down in the mud outside and make daisy-chains for elven hours. You, know, the way every bloody sandbox game works. Dead Rising has taken the part of innovation that entails doing the shit that everyone else does; which is innovative in the same sense a grey goo scenario is innovative. "Oh, wow! My legs has been harvested by a ravenous, unstoppable nano-swarm! This will add an intriguing new twist to the upcoming line-dancing tournament!" I shouldn't have to explain that time limits were there to add a unique challenge! Yes, it could occasionally get in the way of trying on hilarious BBQ aprons and tricycling down the escalator, but isn't that cathartic fun all the more satisfying when we know we have parcelled our time to allow for a quick BBQ apron session in between making progress and not just cocking about? Now, doing nothing but comparing Dead Rising 4 to its predecessors would be a stubborn, cheerless and counterproductive to do; so let's keep doing it! Hey, remember how the boss-fights with psychos used to be elaborate and interesting with colourful characters and unique attacks? Well, instead of that, now you fight generic dudes in silly outfits with slightly longer health bars. Another wonderful "innovation" to the format! "Oh, look, the grey goo has eaten my arms now as well! What a perfect opportunity to learn how to balance things on my nose!" Alright, fine! Dead Rising 4 introduces a couple of new mechanics: you can equip powered armour in order to continue doing the same zombie-splattering you've been doing all along, except with slightly more defence. And there are stealth mechanics now, and — holy shit — I just thought of another word that doesn't belong anywhere near Dead Rising! Stealth is for characters that isn't carrying around three dynamite crossbows and a giant, acid-spewing hammer, thank you very much! To me, stealth mode was just a "walk obnoxiously slowly" button that I only ever pressed because I forgot that it wasn't the sprint.	Simon
What is the title of the 1971 film in which Clint Eastwood plays DJ Dave Garver?	Zero Punctuation - Wikiquote Zero Punctuation Zero Punctuation is a series of video game reviews done by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw , originally on YouTube, and later for The Escapist Magazine . Contents Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff [ edit ] Nariko then turns to some...thing sitting vacantly nearby, wearing cat ears and makeup apparently applied by a Kiss fan with Parkinson's disease, and relays to it her intention to slit up evil dudes. She then adds, with a totally straight face, "We may need you to play twing-twang." My first thought when I heard that was, "I am so going to quote that out of context," but on reflection it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context either. If the developers were hoping I'd consider buying the full game just to see what "twing-twang" is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus (yeah, I went there). Part of me feels that, from an artistic standpoint, there may be some merit in RE5 because the point of a horror game is to be unnerving; and forcing the player to do something that they find distasteful as well as frightening is a rather groundbreaking method of doing that. But then again, this is Resident Evil, the series that brought us "squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon"; and if there’s anything sophisticated in an idea of theirs, it’s probably a total accident. [1] Psychonauts [ edit ] One of the themes running though Schafer's humor is the juxtaposition of a mundane situation in a bizarre or fantastical setting (see: Grim Fandango), and Psychonauts continues this tradition by being set in a summer camp for psychics. The story follows the adventures of Raz, a child acrobat who, in deference to tradition, runs away from home to escape the circus rather than join it, and whose natural psychic talent allows him to insinuate himself into the camp without paying tuition fees. Shortly however, karma bites him in the ass when he finds himself embroiled in a sinister plot and having to explore strange ethereal worlds based on the subconscious minds of those around him. It's all kind of like if Tim Burton knocked up David Lynch in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and he did meth right up until the birth. [listing the good points of the game] Firstly, it's something original in an industry that seems to be built on ripping off everyone else. Secondly, it's genuinely funny, while most video games attempting humor are like unanesthetized bowel surgery. Thirdly, every single character is well-defined with their own quirks and personalities, even the tiny, unimportant bit part players that get less screen time than Christopher Lee in the last Lord of the Rings film . And lastly, it's fun. Remember that? Fun? What we used to have before gaming felt like a second job? [2] Console Rundown [ edit ] With the current generation of consoles, we've reached or nearly reached the point where graphics aren't going to get much better, so we can all stop rushing to top the last generation's technology and concentrate on making some games with actual depth. Except of course that the console wars are all ultimately futile because the best game ever, Fantasy World Dizzy for the Commodore 64, has already been made. Or maybe all of gaming is pointless, just toying with the gravel on the side of the big road of life. But hey, at least there's violence and tits! [3] BioShock [ edit ] Bioshock is billed as a spiritual successor to System Shock 2 and I'm sure System Shock 2 will be very proud of it's normal-mapped, Phong-shaded bastard child because it takes after its daddy almost to the degree of George Bush. And I know what you're going to say: "Yahtzee, you charismatic stallion: What kind of complaint is that? System Shock 2 was brilliant, and any game that's in any way like it should be equally good." But that's the thing: It isn't like System Shock 2, it is System Shock 2. Oh sure, it looks different and it differs in the fine detailing and the character names are changed and shit. But once you strip all that out, the bad guy might as well just be SHODAN with a waistcoat and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. But there are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or baby-eating. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then. [4] Tomb Raider Anniversary [ edit ] The combat's also been upgraded for modern times, and by that I mean they've chucked in the tired old God of War/Simon Says button mashing sequences which every action game has to have now by law. And someone on the design team (you know who you are) thought it would be a great idea to have the player constantly press R1 to fire repeatedly rather than just hold it down. But the R1 button is not positioned for comfortable mashing and when you go up against enemies who can take ten million bullets before dying (like say, for example, most of them) then your fingers cramp up like you're playing Guitar Hero but without the nebbish rock star fantasy. [helping game publishers find ideas] Here's one: A genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS. [5] Manhunt [ edit ] Let's get something straight, all right, third-person action game developers? Left analog stick for movement; right analog stick to rotate camera around player. How is it that, when you see something that works perfectly well, you immediately decide to try and improve it and cock the whole thing up? In Manhunt, the right analog stick changes to the first person camera, which may seem reasonable in theory, but it means that, when you're hiding and trying to see a nearby guard patrolling behind you, you nudge the stick and end up staring at a brick wall. And half the time when you've finally wrestled the camera into the right angle, you'll see the guard has patrolled right up to you and has now shived you in the bollocks. But I seriously don't know whose side to be on when it comes to the debate of whether games like Manhunt mess with the heads of underaged, impressionable thickies. There's a very clear certification indicating that twelve-year-olds aren't supposed to be playing it, but there's no denying that they play it anyway because no one other than twelve-year-olds are into this sort of thing. Gushing breathlessly about garrote wire decapitation and baseball bat cranial explosion is a good way to win friends in middle school; but around the office water cooler, it's a good way to lose them. [6] Peggle [ edit ] What I can say about it is that I started playing it around noon and emerged from my room sometime later to find that the authorities had declared me legally dead. If the whole "casual gaming" thing has slipped you by, then allow me hold your face under the putrescent waters of knowledge. At some point in the recent past, someone noticed that simple Flash-based 2D colour-matching games like Bejeweled were making, frankly, embarrassing amounts of dosh; and the reason for this is that, as time has gone by, bored housewives stuck at home have all independently decided that shagging the TV repairman is no longer appropriate and have turned to video games to amuse themselves instead. In summary it's okay, I guess. I preferred Bookworm Adventures, but then I'm one of those hopeless mutants who genuinely enjoys playing Scrabble. That's it. That's about as far as I can review Peggle because that's the entire extent of the game. I don't know what Pop Cap's mission statement is, but I'm betting that it's something along the lines of, "Use pretty sparkly lights, encouraging sound effects, and as few gameplay elements as possible to make the gaming equivalent of premium crack cocaine." And it seems to be working for them because they are now worth umpteen millions. Millions! They exclusively make cheapo 2D games! What the hell do they spend all that money on? Ice cream? [7] Halo 3 [ edit ] The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my arse until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound, cross-eyed hobbit and you’re armed with the BFG 9000. But really, I don't know what I hope to achieve with all this. Halo 3's already more popular than God and nothing I can say is going to stop Microsoft making enough money to buy Switzerland and reinforce the notion that all gamers want is brightly colored dross with the depth of a spoon. So if in the future we all find ourselves playing "Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure" in what moments we can spare between toiling in the Microsoft overmind's off-world mining complex, then I want you to know that I fucking called it. [8] Tabula Rasa [ edit ] Tabula Rasa is a Latin term meaning "blank slate" and generally refers to the school of thought stating that humans are born with no inherent programming. For example, Richard Garriot is an utterly demented game designer who wears a crown and insists that people call him Lord British. But was he born with the galloping crazies, or was it a lack of appropriate social contact that caused him to descend permanently into an insane fantasy world? Talking about removing grind from MMOs is all very well until you think about it, because grind is the only thing that keeps people playing MMOs for so long and removing it would be like removing the crazy from Richard Garriot. Besides, every MMO so far has grind right up the bum and it doesn't seem to stop people playing them. Some people just like that sort of thing, I guess. Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad. [9] The Orange Box [ edit ] (On Half-Life 2: Episode Two ) Episode 2 does suffer a little from being the middle child. There's no real beginning and no real end, so the story tends to meander around and it's difficult to shake the feeling that we're just killing time before the next episode wraps it all up. A new character is brought in without warning and everyone acts like we've always known him. It's actually quite perplexing. Valve have done a great job making us empathize with all the major NPCs so far, so being introduced to a new one at this late stage is like coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the family dinner table and you're the only one who seems to notice. (On Team Fortress 2 ) ...For all its insubstantiality, it's incredibly well-balanced now. There's a role for everyone regardless of what sort of game you like. The Heavy for uncomplicated damage-soaking thickies; The Spy for your backstabbing stealth game dirtbag; and The Sniper for people who like point-and-click adventure games. Although, admittedly, the only puzzle is, "Use gun on man." (On Portal ) ...If you're a regular viewer, you'll understand how insane these words feel coming out of my mouth, but I can't think of any criticism for it. I'm serious! This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece! I went in expecting a slew of interesting portal-based puzzles and that's exactly what I got, but what I wasn't expecting was some of the funniest pitch-black humor I've ever heard in a game. Okay, it's only two to three hours long, but that's a good length for it - it means it doesn't outstay its welcome and it narrows the gap between you and the balls-tighteningly fantastic ending. Absolutely sub lime from start to finish, and I will jam forks into my eyes if I ever use those words to describe anything else ever again! Yeah, I know it's not very funny to love a game, but fuck you! Portal's great, and if you don't think so you must be stupid! [10] Super Paper Mario [ edit ] During the second chapter, Mario is required to work and earn money to pay for some of the mindless vandalism that comes naturally to action RPG players. And the best way to do this is to press "right" to run around in a giant hamster wheel for -- no joke -- somewhere around a quarter of an hour. That's if you're thick. If you're smart (like me), you weigh down the D-pad with one of your roommate's figurines and go off to amuse yourself. That's right. You have to amuse yourself while playing a game -- a game being something ostensibly designed to amuse. And if the player is doing this, then something has clearly gone wrong. [11] MOH Airborne [ edit ] The Medal of Honor series has been going on since 1999, meaning that it has officially been going on longer than the actual second World War did. And if you put together all the games, films, and TV shows that have depicted it, the Normandy landings alone probably lasted somewhere within the region of six months. So why does the US have such a fascination about a time that everyone else would rather just forget about and move on? Well, probably because that was the last war in which they did any good, when they had a clear win over an unambiguously evil villain who posed a genuine threat -- rather than any of these wishy-washy recent wars where they just run in, stomp all over a developing nation, and run out again declaring victory around the time the population have to start eating their own dead. As evil as the real Nazis were, it seems they weren't evil enough for the developers, and so the accuracy's a little bit skewed against them. And then it's skewed a little bit more. And then it's put in a thumbscrew until it resembles a slinky. I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure there wasn't an elite branch of stormtroopers who wore gas masks, wielded miniguns, and could take three sniper bullets to the forehead before they died. And I'm also pretty sure the Nazis didn't have a gigantic armored concrete tower that can only be described as a doom fortress. [11] Zelda Phantom Hourglass [ edit ] A world without Nintendo would be a far bleaker one than this, and yet there's something about them I find incredibly infuriating. They've got roughly enough money to buy Earth and all the heavens, and a fanbase so devoted and rabid that they could release a game about a sewage-encrusted rapist and it would still sell like billy-oh. And while they sit in this position that many game developers worldwide with slews of new and interesting game concepts would happily hack off their wedding tackle to occupy, all they do is constantly remake the same games! Okay, so sometimes you've got an ocarina , and sometimes you're in a boat , and sometimes you're a werewolf having repulsive erotica drawn about you by people on DeviantArt ; but pick any one of the ninety billion Zelda games there have been so far and odds are good you'll always be the same bloody guy saving the same bloody girl with the same bloody boomerang. For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoe-horning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about (which, I remind you, is what handhelds are for) would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation. [12] Clive Barker's Jericho [ edit ] The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. Excuuuuuuse me, Jericho, for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again! Maybe some of this could be forgiven if the seven main characters weren't all completely unlikeable. There's so much black leather on display, it's like someone took the goth clique from a small town high school, pinned them down in front of a 24-hour Rambo marathon, then smacked them brutally around the head with a baseball bat made out of frozen stupid. [13] F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate [ edit ] Every now and again, F.E.A.R. remembers that it wants to be a horror game, too, and makes the lights flicker or throws down a random bloodstain like there's someone with the world's most copious nosebleed about fifty yards ahead of you. But I have to admit, when the game does descend into sheer balls-to-the-wall mindfuckery for a few minutes, it's the only time the experience really comes alive for me. I'm running down a corridor when the lights come down and then I'm in another different corridor, only now there's a blurry filter on my vision and I can hear what sounds like a moose being strangled in a tin bath. Awesome! I open a door and it vanishes into nothing and now there's a door on the ceiling. Sweet! There's a corpse at the end of the hall but as I get closer it jumps up and yells at me like everything's my fault. Finally I'm having a good time! Then everything simmers down and you return to boring predictable normality, wishing you were back in the nightmare. I guess if you're a huge fan of F.E.A.R., and I mean huge, like, if you play it twice a day and you have Jason Hall's face stenciled onto your toilet seat, and if you've got a love of repetitive tactical combat that borders on the fetishistic, and if you really badly need to know what happens next to the faceless characterless protagonist of the ongoing storyline, then I heartily recommend Perseus Mandate. Maybe you can play it while you hang around the labyrinth with Theseus, because you're obviously a nonexistent creature of myth. [14] Assassin's Creed [ edit ] Another good way to blow your cover is to randomly stab innocent civilians, and trust me when I say that forcing yourself not to do so is a lot harder than it sounds. Those wacky, fun-loving lepers have this hilarious tendency to shove you with all their retard strength and send you flying ye olde mosh-pit style, which I feel makes me well within my rights to lamp them one; but then everyone turns against you because apparently it's not as funny when you do it. And then there are the beggar women who will latch on to you like a lamprey eel and constantly run in front of you whining for coins in a manner scientifically designed to get on my tits. Then I give them a gentle, discouraging knuckle sandwich , and they run off yelling like I'm the asshole. It hits particularly close to home for me, because this is pretty much how all my relationships turn out. First you have to walk all the way down from your home base at the top of a fucking mountain at the start of every fucking mission. Then you have to make your way through the target city (pausing occasionally to nut the lepers Glaswegian-style). Then you're forced to do a few errands around the place which are basically the same three side quests over and over again. And when you do finally get to stab someone up, it's all bookended by long wordy unskipable cutscenes. Even after the stabbing, you have to sit through a prolonged conversation with the victim. You'd think having a spike shoved in to the throat would impede one's ability to soliloquize, but you just can't shut these twatmouths up! [15] Guitar Hero III [ edit ] Don't believe the lie of Guitar Hero Three. It's actually the fourth title in the series, the third being Rock the 80's, which I haven't played, but the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end out of my ass, and floss myself to death. Then I got to the last venue and the last group of songs on hard mode and came to a screeching halt because they are fucking impossible. NO. STOP. Do not reach for your e-mail client; I do not want to hear about how you five-starred "Blood Rain" on Expert, because if you did, you are a fucking freak, a freak with either three arms or a trained pet spider working the buttons for you! [16] Mass Effect [ edit ] People often say to me, "Yahtzee, you callipygian superman: How can you, a game writer yourself, complain about a game having too much dialogue?" I would reply, "For the same reason that a hairdresser is entitled to complain when someone fills their car with shampoo." Mass Effect is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it. [17] Super Mario Galaxy [ edit ] But don't be fooled; this is your standard fill-in-the-blanks framework. Mario's hateful emotionally retarded ball-and-chain has been kidnapped again, but before you can do the rescue you have to collect a whole bunch of stars - and it is always stars for some utterly arbitrary reason. And in the end, Mario succeeds in rescuing the needy bitch who once again fails to put out, although frankly I've given up expecting any kind of actual human intelligent reaction from that clueless bint. Initially, Mario Galaxy gets an easy ride because it has to be inevitably compared to Mario Sunshine, the last "proper" Mario game (disregarding all that spin-off bullshit). And you could transplant the head of Joseph Goebbels on to the body of a praying mantis and it would still compare favorably to Mario Sunshine. [18] Silent Hill Origins [ edit ] ...You have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. Time's up. That's what I thought. There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate . To me, the Silent Hill series is over. And if Silent Hill 5 convinces me otherwise, then I will remove three of my own vertebrae, curl my spine back, and eat my own arse. [19] Crysis [ edit ] Of course, with amazing graphics comes the inhumane treatment of processors. Crysis is apparently designed for some kind of hypothetical future computer from space. I played it on a brand new gaming PC resembling the monolith from 2001 , constructed from magical obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth. And it still chugged when things got busy. ...There is one section towards the end where you're forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and... well, imagine that you'd just woken from a 20-year-coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopotami. That's what controlling this section is like. And they expect you to enter dogfights in this thing. That's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your elbows. [20] The Witcher [ edit ] There's your inventory screen, your character screen, your alchemy screen, your glossary, your quests, your map, you have to switch between combat mode and stand-around-picking-your-nose-while-enemies-carve-you-like-turducken mode. And once you're in combat mode, do you fight in strong, fast, or group style? And if you'll be wanting to mix potions, then I hope you've gone through the necessary eight week correspondence course. If disliking this sort of shit makes me stupid, then call me "Retard McSpackypants". But I'd rather be stupid and having fun than bored out of my huge genius mind. As I progressed through the starting village a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless drudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a mumorpuger! A single-player mumorpuger with no Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse, but a mumopurger nonetheless. [21] Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles [ edit ] Part of Resident Evil's charm is that it still takes itself seriously, despite having the most atrociously written story and dialogue of any product of human endeavor since Hulk Hogan took one too many clotheslines to the head and decided he could act. It's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. "I have a bad feeling about this," announces Jill Valentine after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced. "Where did all these webs come from?" wonders Chris Redfield aloud whilst staring directly at a giant spider. And then there's the recurring series baddie and backstabbing enthusiast Albert Wesker, whose every line of dialog is solid gold because he sounds like Lloyd Grossman with throat cancer. [22] Call of Duty 4 [ edit ] [with disdainful sarcasm throughout] Never let it be said that I'm an impressionable twenty-something-gaming-media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth; so for the most part I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it is simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs (which was the case with Call of Duty 4). This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker and brace yourself for a shock because it deserves the praise it gets. ...Mostly. I was surprised because I have this presumption about "serieses" like Call of Duty and Medal of Honor being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism time-locked Bill-Murray-style somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand and scoffing apple pie with the other. Call of Duty 4, conversely,is set in the present day which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turns out to be right on the money it's executed in a very compelling way. The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country that tactfully goes unnamed (undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a water slide park by the time time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchly between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The U.S. Marines posted in "Unspecifiedistan" whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the ends of their massive erections while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like cockney weasels. These changes in perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective however you have to apply them and to balance the unentertaining seriousness of this sentence: "Boingo boingo whoopsy knickers." What I like about Call of Duty 4 is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white "My Country 'Tis of Thee" jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the U.S. Marines act with short-sighted self-righteousness convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them screwing the pooch so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream. [23] All you need to know is this. There are two kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago. And Call of Duty 4 is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like - well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane and land anus-first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral! [24] SimCity Societies [ edit ] It's an idea that many people seem to latch on to that, if we were created by some kind of god, then obviously he did it because he loves us so huggy-muggy-much. Never are the holes in this theory more obvious than while playing god games: because it seems that when you place most people in the position of a god and give them responsibility over many tiny lesser beings, then their attitude towards them is usually less about beloved children and more about target practice. I set out to make a brutal authoritarian dictatorship because it makes my balls feel big. So all my workplaces were things like Thought Police Headquarters, and all the venues were propaganda theatres, and most of the gormless fuckers were still content or elated. Christ, this must be how Nazi Germany started! [25] Yahtzee Goes to GDC [ edit ] All games are about realizing a fantasy, whether it be the fantasy of being a courageous war hero, or the fantasy of being a future space adventurer, or, in the case of some Japanese games, the fantasy of possessing eight prehensile dicks. [26] Uncharted: Drake's Fortune [ edit ] Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys: a stream of assorted blacks; Asians; and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like "the bad guy dies." You play Nathan "Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon" Drake as he scavenger-hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome, initially hostile blonde love interest, and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a T-shirt saying, "I will die or turn evil." I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is; it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous games. Even the story has been nicked bodily from at least five adventure movies that I can think of -- seven if you let me count all the Indiana Jones films. [27] Devil May Cry 4 [ edit ] ...It would be fair to say there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them but, thanks to Capcom, I don't have to - now I can just point to Devil May Cry 4 and say, "Pretty much that." Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some spectacle-adjusting model railroad enthusiast who cannot function without absolute realism at all times. Leaping eight times your own height, swinging swords the size of small cars around, and deflecting bullets with other bullets are all fine with me as long as it's entertaining. I'll even accept that getting a seven-foot katana jammed through your torso is totally survivable, if a bit homoerotic. A game starts widdling on my chips, however, when it populates itself with smug self-satisfied dick-spurts and starts neglecting gameplay because it's too busy letting them swagger invincibly about until I want to flatten their androgynous faces with a kayak paddle! But the lone shiny gold star I stick on for the combat is almost immediately torn off for some truly obnoxious level design. Jumping puzzles? Fine. Timed jumping puzzles? Fair enough. Timed jumping puzzles with fixed cameras? Now we've dropped into the ocean of shittiness. But then they hit us with a timed jumping puzzle with a fixed camera where enemies spawn in every time you fail. And now the ocean of shittiness has closed in over our heads with no rescue boat in sight. [28] Burnout Paradise [ edit ] People often ask me, "Yahtzee, you herculean exemplar: You have so much to say about what makes a bad game , but what is your measure of a good game ?" Well, actually, no one's ever asked me that. Mostly they ask retarded questions like when am I going to review 20-year-old Nintendo games like everyone and their dog . But it's the kind of question I'd like to be asked, so I'm going to answer it. One of my measures of a good game is one that teaches me something. Burnout Paradise, for example, teaches me that if Princess Diana honestly couldn't survive a trivial little crash like that, then the girl must have been made out of wafers. (discussing the game's open world:) My point is, that the reason why racing games traditionally feature closed circuit tracks is that the fun in a street racing game comes from driving really fast and breaking things. That's a winning formula. Then you throw map reading skills into it and it's the metaphorical shot of Baileys, overpowering all the other flavors. [29] Turok [ edit ] I'm actually rather glad that a really, unequivocally bad FPS has been shat out in front of me because there are a lot of problems with first-person shooters these days and Turok plays like an itemized list of them. So rather than do what I usually do (i.e. crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises), let's instead use Turok as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first-person shooters keep persistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them. Then maybe I can persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom. When you consider that the original Turok games were about a time-traveling red Indian, this new installment has had to really work hard to rip off Aliens . They had to lock the established setting and storyline in a wardrobe and throw it off a cliff. They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good. And that's sort of admirable, I guess, in a retarded kind of way. Most of these problems with modern FPSes can be explained with four words: "Let's be like Halo." But I remember a time when FPSes didn't all march in step behind that inexplicably popular festival of mediocrity, when FPSes weren't all about soldiers or space marines, when they could be about undead cowboys , or backwoods pig-rapists , or wise-cracking misogynistic wankers . I remember a time when FPSes had a sense of humor about themselves and could have colours other than gunmetal gray and dogshit brown. I remember titles like Exhumed and Chasm and Witchhaven II — though on reflection, I'd rather forget about them. [30] Zack and Wiki [ edit ] Long ago in the mists of time, when main characters didn't need to have biceps bigger then their faces and when bump mapping was just something cartographers did to their wives, there lived adventure games. This shy, thoughtful tribe was known for its great story telling tradition and ruled the great PC gaming plains for many years before mysteriously dying out around the onset of the Quake era. Some blame the aggressive expansion of neighboring first-person shooter tribes; but personally I think it's more to do with the fact that most of them were shit . [31] Army of Two [ edit ] We're quickly and frequently reminded that the military is shit and so is everyone in it, while mercenaries are unstoppable immortal badasses who make tons more money and like it rough from men with hairy bums — NO! Bad Yahtzee! I meant to say: and you get to wear funky skull masks like it's Halloween every day, except that it's you giving out the candy, and the candy is bullets. Having grown tired of my AI partner's insect-filled brain, I tried playing co-op split-screen with a friend. In one shootout sequence, there was an elevated hold-out position that I gave him a boostie up to as part of a cunning higher ground strategy. But since my friend had trouble understanding that enemy bullets were something to be avoided, he was taken down. When this happens, you basically can't move or get up until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your arse. But since there was now no one to give me a boostie up to where he was, all I could do was hop impotently up and down like a skull-faced bunny until his bad case of idiocy proved terminal. It's repetitive and broken and nothing you haven't seen before. If you can play Gears of War with one hand and Splinter Cell with the other, then you don't need to play Army of Two. And make sure you film it because that's a pretty impressive talent you have there. [32] No More Heroes [ edit ] [ Suda 51 's] last game was killer7 , and let's get one thing straight: I fucking loved killer7! There we were, living our gray, predictable lives, playing our gray, predictable games when along came killer7 in a technicolour dream coat, leaving slightly perplexed joy in the wake of its huge motorbike, showing exactly what could be done when you flaunt [sic] all established convention and just start exploring what can really be done with gaming as an art form. I still don't know how to classify it: puzzle, action/adventure, rail shooter... well, whatever it was, it was a preciously unique amusing cartoon whale in an ocean of second-hand bong water. Now we have No More Heroes, a Grand Theft Auto clone. "Shine on you crazy diamond," said Yahtzee, his voice thick like sarcastic Marmite . So, I'll say the same thing about No More Heroes that I say about Killer 7, Earthbound, and Branston pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston pickle onto No More Heroes, possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome! [33] Condemned 2: Bloodshot [ edit ] There's a final boss sequence in Condemned 1 in which you run through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth with a serial killer in hot pursuit. It's really intense and genuinely terrifying, and part of what makes it so effective is that it takes place in a normal house, exactly like, oh say for example, YOURS! Right down to the psychotic serial killer who lives under your bed and is standing behind you right now but don't look because that'll really piss him off! Condemned 2, by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the Combine would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. I wish I was fucking kidding. [34] Super Smash Bros. Brawl [ edit ] As I've said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it'll take is a few more Virtual Boys and they'll wank the whole company away! Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the fuck is Marth , and why is unlocking him considered a reward? Oh and thanks, Nintendo, for putting in a character from Mother 3 , a game you're never going to fucking release outside Japan despite the fact I can fucking guarantee that more people would play it than Mario Kart Eleventy Billion: The Next Generation! [35] God of War: Chains of Olympus [ edit ] Chains of Olympus is a PSP-exclusive prequel installment in the God of War series, a bunch of games that combine an, at best, loose understanding of Greek mythology with a level of violence that hovers somewhere between excessive and completely off its tits. [36] Around weaker enemies there's really no reason to use anything other than the instant-kill grab attack, or as I like to call it "The 'Fuck You' Button." Mailbag Showdown[ edit ] It’s true, I didn’t like Brawl before I even started playing; but then the same is true of every game, object, animal and human being I encounter these days. Since the Internet is almost diametrically opposed to the notion of quality control, in recent years it’s been a lot easier to just assume everything’s shit until it can prove itself otherwise. I like to call it the "Guantanamo Bay" approach to reviewing. [37] Grand Theft Auto IV [ edit ] About a million years ago, a company called DMA Design created Grand Theft Auto and discovered that the combination of controversy, wacky humor, and vehicular homicide was a lucrative one indeed. So they made a whole bunch of sequels, threw some TVs out of some hotel windows, and changed their name to "Rockstar" , in a slightly over-compensatory effort to make us forget that they made Lemmings. Not that there was anything wrong with Lemmings, at least not until the franchise was rigorously milked to it's last sour lumpy dribbles. Once you inevitably grow tired of the sandbox mayhem and start on the mission paths, you'll find that GTA4 is initially about as fast-paced as a Jacob Bronowski documentary playing at half speed. The first hundredweight of missions are virtually all tutorials, which highlights the inherent problem with incorporating so many different gameplay elements that you need to spend half the game explaining the bloody things! You have to learn how to drive cars, how to drive trucks, how to drive geese, how to use your phone, TV, internet, how to fist fight, how to gunfight, how to shoot from cover, how to shoot from the back of a giant tyrannosaurus... [38] Painkiller [ edit ] The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine-gun, rocket-launcher, overpowered-exotic-thing-that-you-never get-ammo-for-and-only-use-in-boss-fights-anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie Braindead. (That's Dead-Alive if you're American and fat.) As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; it shoots shurikens and lightning! It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire. So that's Painkiller, more proof that the best way blow off steam is to blow off someone's natches. [39] The World Ends With You [ edit ] A major thing that turns me off JRPGs, and a lot of games in general , is when I don't feel that I, as a player, am contributing anything to the story. All I ever seem to do is wheel the characters from one whingy boring dialogue to the next. Events are driven by their actions, not mine. All I am is a little angry id who takes over for the combat, spending the rest of the time jumping up and down in the back of the main character's mind yanking on nerve endings, trying to make him stop acting like a pillock. What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs the story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought-iron fence made of tigers. Is TWEWY a good J-RPG? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm on the edge of a frightening world I don't understand, treading water on the surface of a deep, deep lake full of weird-smelling creatures with completely alien concepts of fun and a tolerance for boredom to rival the Man in the Iron Mask. [40] Oblivion [ edit ] You know me; I'm a twitchy, instant-gratification kind of gamer. The sort who isn't happy unless there's a gun the size of a motorbike in his hands and a severed alien willy bouncing off the front of his space helmet. But every now and again, the planets will align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a J-RPG, God no; it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ. But a western RPG, something with goblins and swords and men in loin clothes going on about wenches. In Oblivion, you start off in a dungeon in the imperial palace. You're never told what crime you committed; I guess you're supposed to fill in that blank for yourself. So I choose to believe I was in there for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter at the same time while playing a rock guitar solo on the desecrated corpse of God. Anyway, then the Emperor showed up (played by Captain Picard ) and I have to say I liked him a lot. He was the only character who actually seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG. He took one look at me, noticed the camera floating behind my head and said, "Oh, bugger. You're the protagonist; guess I have to die now." And die he did. For a game that is obviously trying so hard, Oblivion is one of the least immersive RPGs I've ever played. The world map is huge, granted. If you intend to walk from one end to the other, you'd better pack a few sandwiches. But frankly, take one good look around the moment you first emerge blinking into the daylight and you've pretty much seen everything. It's like they took 200 square yards of medieval English countryside, added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. [41] Haze [ edit ] I think it's safe to say that very few people were madly trampling babies underfoot to grab Haze on launch day - I know whatever atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first-person shooter about space marines. "Whoop-de-fucking-doo," I thought. "I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate." But then up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a cornetto every time I pass a 7-11. "Shame on you, Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw!" spake he. "Have you forgotten Call of Duty 4 already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you're no better than those dipshits who never played Mass Effect but condemned it as some kind of child-corrupting boobstravaganza ." The overall message of Haze's story is that WAR IS BAD! And that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with "whiz bang shooty fun" strikes me as trying to have one's cake and eat it -- a phrase I never really understood, I mean I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There's not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you're a stripper... Sorry, lost my train of thought. If you have a liking for Halo, a crippling fear of trying new things, and a desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast, then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then, you might as well buy Haze, you mad bastard. Metal Gear Solid 4 [ edit ] I'm going to recount as much of the story as I can before my brain starts to hurt: Solid Snake is a cloned mercenary who is suffering from premature aging due to a planned obsolescence scheme worthy of Microsoft. He lives with his support character (and "best friend") Otacon, and the two of them have adopted a child together. (That oozing sound you just heard was made by all the world's homoerotic fan fiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk.) Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother , who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of - OH CHRIST, I can't go on; this shit is bananas! Play the games themselves if you want to know what's going on, although I can't guarantee that that will be enough - to truly get into the mindset of Hideo Kojima , you'll have to do something pretty drastic, probably involving experimental brain surgery and a complete X-Files box set. Somebody once said that a politician is a person who can talk for hours and never actually say anything. If that's true, Hideo Kojima could run for government and be emperor of the universe by mid-afternoon. Webcomics [ edit ] Drama is the mortar that holds the webcomic community together, and there are so many wonderful ways to create it. Make absolutely no effort to improve your horrible drawing style, act like a prick at a convention, respond to constructive criticism with hostility, and just generally behave like the kind of monstrous egotist that blossom like mushrooms in the darkened trough of shit that is the Internet. [44] Lego Indiana Jones [ edit ] I've been ignoring the whole Lego-LucasArts coalition so far, partly because, as you'll recall from my Psychonauts review, LucasArts is run by douchebags, but mainly because it sounds utterly retarded on paper. I mean, once you accept Lego Star Wars , where does it end? Playmobil Battlestar Galactica? Duplo Firefly? Meccano Dune? Yeah, I'm done milking that joke. I guess at first I've-- Wait! I've got another one! Stickle Bricks Babylon 5? ...Sorry. There's this undercurrent of parody about the whole experience which I find rather cathartic. I guess it's because we're taking a film series which prided itself in unexpectedly traumatizing me as a child and totally emasculating it, like if there were a puppet show version of The Ring . [45] Alone in the Dark [ edit ] I make a policy of never reading other people's reviews because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I'm increasingly certain that I'm the only person on earth whose brain works properly. But it's been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark, what with it apparently being the latest in a long line of "worst games evaar" and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondents' families judging by the way they tearfully e-mail me requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well, I thought, "Fuck those bereaved bastards who think I'm some kind of sweary ninja for hire. I'm gonna play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it." A few days have passed since then, and you may be surprised to learn that sometimes even the majority can be totally, totally right. What's tragic is that the Good Ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game without a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidentally landed at the Cock-Up Peninsula. It's full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution, which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I'm going to call Terry and Gonad. "Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself. [46] Age of Conan [ edit ] Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate mumorpugers . I hate what they do to people, turning them into nocturnal blobs of flesh and Cheetos that communicate entirely in mouth-breathing; and I hate when I look back on my time with a mumorpuger and realize that I just flushed away months of my life that I could have spent writing a bestselling book, or raising a child, or pounding nails into my face. But I have had fun with mumorpugers at the time, or rather a mumorpuger , and since comparison is going to be inevitable, let's just get the fucker over with: Age of Conan is not World of Warcraft. Some people might say, "Ooh, maybe it's not trying to be," but those people are going to Hell for lying because all MMOs are trying to be World of Warcraft: same controls, same terminology, same arduous blocks of motherfucking grind, same interfaces right down to the quest-givers with big golden exclamations marks growing out of their heads like they just spotted Solid Snake shuffling through the undergrowth. There's nothing wrong with being a small part of something bigger than yourself. That's how an MMO should work -- solidarity, teamwork, joining forty friends to go stomp on a night elf's face. Age of Conan makes the same mistake as the school system by telling everyone that they're special, thus turning them into entitled twatdonkeys. The E3 Trailer Park [ edit ] I'd like to clarify that somewhere in the flinty pits of my petrified heart I'm open to the possibility of all these games potentially being fun (except for Final Fantasy 13 obviously). But my intention is not to troll for once but to argue that it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. After all, if the game's good, great! But if it's bad you've lost nothing, plus you get the satisfaction of knowing you're cleverer than fanboys, which is right up there with winning a beauty contest against Steve Buscemi but still, it's a good overall rule: never let yourself get excited by trailers, unless it's the one for the new Watchmen movie. Oh yes, I can never get enough big glowing blue men with their celestial lads hanging out! [48] Ninja Gaiden 2 [ edit ] But frankly, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among Japanese games , Ninja Gaiden II is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that Metal Gear Solid bullshit of cutscene dialogues that could fill a modest paperback. None of that Devil May Cry cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that Zelda ... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going Yah! [49] Prince of Persia Retrospective [ edit ] Between them, the three Sands of Time games have the ingredients of probably the best game ever, and I don't say that lightly. The first game still very resolutely sits in my top five games of all time , but it could have been better. Like a variant of the uncanny valley effect , the closer a game gets to Portal perfection, the more glaring the flaws become, and their attempts to correct those flaws in the sequels were akin to removing flecks of dirt from a birthday cake with a shovel. But we live and learn, so let's move on and hope the new Prince of Persia will be as good as Sands of Time. And that my ass will sprout wings and fly me into space! [50] Soul Calibur IV [ edit ] I don't really understand fighting games. I don't hate them, but I've never frosted my pants over any of them, either. I just don't get them. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: "What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants ." But if you want to relieve stress, you take a herbal bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost ninety dollars at your local electronics retailer. There's got to be more to it than that. Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual. All you need is a picture of the "throw" button and a big arrow pointing to it. [51] Braid [ edit ] And do you know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public — especially you, Adrian! (That probably isn't your name but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world.) Ye unwashed masses who ensure massive profits for the same old cookie-cutter sequels because anything that isn't safe and familiar makes you dive for your security blanket! And since you spent all Daddy's money on a next-generation console you won't even give the time of day to anything that doesn't have environment-mapped reflective surfaces and you're more interested in buying Master Chief novelty condoms than actual gameplay innovation ! In fact, I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Piss off! Close the browser and fuck off back to Gears of War ! Has he gone? Good, I hate that guy! [52] Eve Online [ edit ] The unspoken goal of exploration is to make the entire planet completely boring. Life was at its most interesting back when we still thought grass huts were a bit hoity-toity and when there could have been dragons made of raisin bread over the next hill for all we knew. Nowadays, everything's mapped out. We've even spent enough time on the moon and the very bottom of the ocean to know that: firstly, there aren't any dragons there either; and secondly, we're definitely not in a hurry to go back and double-check. Now it's only the depths of space that remain unexplored and unboring, plenty of gray area where any number of interstellar sparkle dragons could be hiding. Eve Online does the impossible by making deep space boring, and demonstrates the best way to do that is to let nerds colonize it. [53] Too Human [ edit ] I have to admit, though, the story is to be congratulated for taking the fiery, thunderous personalities of the Norse gods and somehow turning them into a bunch of boring, self-righteous, robotic twats with all the warmth and emotion of a glass of water. So you'll die. You'll die a lot. And by Christ does the game want you to know it. A valkyrie who is clearly in no fucking hurry slowly flies down, picks up your corpse, and ascends gently back into heaven as if to say, "There there, baby, it doesn't matter that you're a ten-thumbed cripple who literally can't fight to save their lives; let's get you tucked into beddy-byes." Then you respawn fifty feet away with no penalties, scratching your head in bewilderment. And this happens every time you die! You can't skip it! No one could look at this and think, "Yep, this will never get old!" The only remaining explanation is that this is some kind of test - maybe if anyone defends this on a forum, they automatically get added to the government depopulation list because their minds are clearly deviant and must be purged! [54] Spore [ edit ] If there's one thing history has taught us (besides not to piss off people called Genghis, or put lead in your water pipes), it's that if you're going to make something incredibly good that becomes frighteningly popular, make sure it's the last thing you ever make in your entire life. Because otherwise you get to spend the rest of your creative career struggling under the weight of high expectations and bricks. You also get to design your own buildings and vehicles further down the line; so if all you're after is some kind of 3D art program for eight-year-olds, Spore is definitely for you. If you're holding out for an actual game, then you get to eat shit. But never mind; you can always design a creature that looks like a huge cock and imagine it pounding you in the arse. [55] XBLA Double Bill [ edit ] (On Bionic Commando Rearmed ) But the question this all raises is whether a remake should just blithely parrot the gameplay mechanics of the original, or take the opportunity to improve upon them with our enlightened future space technology? Well the second one obviously, you thick berk. There's nothing inherently sacred about game design from the olden days. They're just old, and wrinkly, and fat, and no one but the utterly depraved wants to sleep with them. (On Castle Crashers ) While the little big-headed characters are fun to look at, in big fights with lots of similarly sized chaps, it's easy to lose sight of the one you're controlling. And this becomes doubly unfair in big boss fights when the big boss's main strategy is to conceal your character's location behind their mountainous flab. At least in Golden Axe you could play as the amazon lady and navigate by her unfeasible boobies. This is like watching midget identical twins wrestling and trying to remember which one you put money on. Nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything — the stupid, diminutive cunts — and you weren't any different. Games, or should I say the potential for games, has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, winding twenty-somethings of the future, they'll be declaring that Halo 3 was miles better than a game of Interstellar Bum Pirates on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both Zelda: Twilight Princess and Super Mario Sunshine before I played Ocarina of Time and Mario 64, and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way! Drink down that burn sauce, fatboy! Also, I think Hitler was right! [56] Mercenaries 2 [ edit ] There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when Ivy from Soulcalibur 's pants ride up, and which are perfectly natural for growing young men. I mean the thought that goes, "But I might need it later" — the niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a giant robot crab on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab just around the corner. No game illustrates this phenomenon better than Mercenaries 2 or, as I like to call it, "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes." Actually this is something I've been meaning to bring up, miss: Why does the C.E.O. of our private military company have to do all the missions personally with no backup except for an Irish chopper pilot who abandons his mission when the enemy chuck anything larger than a scone at him? Actually, working alone might be for the best. The A.I. is so thick, it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion, I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny! [57] Star Wars: The Force Unleashed [ edit ] Apparently the plot is supposed to tie the Star Wars prequel trilogy to the original series, which raises the obvious question: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING? It's like tying your breakfast to a plague rat. The grubby fingerprints of George Lucas are all over the story in that none of the characters are in the slightest bit relatable. That, however, could be because of the Wii graphics limitations making them all look like Gerry Anderson puppets of stroke victims. The Force Unleashed on the Wii did not endear itself to me. I don't blame the developers , and I'm not just saying that because they're based in this city and might kill me. I blame the Wii for being tightfisted with its hardware upgrades ; I blame myself for failing to research the different versions ; I blame Michael Atkinson , the attorney general of South Australia, for quite a few unrelated things ; but most of all I blame George Lucas, that hirsute chinless git, pummeling his own franchises with such ham-handedness you could put a piece of bread around each of his mitts and call them BLTs! [58] S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky [ edit ] I don’t think I would do very well in a real-world combat scenario. I hate being shouted at and I can’t run very fast while wearing a backpack the size of a cow. Before I would willingly enter a gunfight, the enemy are going to have to strap big glowing red arrows to their heads and promise to stand next to windows, loudly vocalizing every thought that crosses their minds. And by the time my comrades have persuaded them to do that, I’ll have remembered that I’m a massive coward and legged it. You know how in most FPSs you're some kind of hybrid of man and refrigerator who can take an entire munitions dump to the face while the enemy all have armor made of whipped crème and skulls made of cake? Well it seems going in to this game everyone got their character sheets mixed up. The player can't survive more than a measly handful of bullets ripping through their flesh while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the cornflakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them. [59] Silent Hill Homecoming [ edit ] The trademark sense of isolation is another point the game misses like a champ, when you are given a spunky female sidekick. This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition. We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about. It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. Maybe if the original creators of something don't want to continue it then you should listen to them, because otherwise you're only making it to please the fans. And why would you want to do anything for fans? I mean, I'm a Silent Hill fan and I've just spent the whole review whining like a broken motor. Fans are clingy, complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices, the happier you'll be for it. [60] Saints Row 2 [ edit ] It just struck me that whenever there's a sandbox crime game, it's always the same gangs: Italians, Yakuza, or street gangsters. You're always either going on about respect, honor, or wearing your belt around your thighs. Y'know what there needs to be? A sandbox crime game where you play a Batman villain! You run around doing dastardly crime equipped with freeze rays and jetpacks, completing story missions that lead up to you building a giant brightly colored doomsday machine shaped like a top hat or something. Then Batman comes along and beats you up because you forgot to strap him into your overly-elaborate, slow-moving death trap, then you mysteriously evade capture in order to come back and do it all again next week. Sadly mankind has yet to recognize my genius, which is incidentally the title I have mind for this project. Saints Row 2 shows a much better understanding of its audience: it is fully aware that most gamers are dickheads and if you give them any kind of freedom, their first instinct will be to abuse it. If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible heights and hurl themselves out onto an old lady. And if you give them customizable outfits, their first instinct will be to take off their clothes and run around the streets hip thrusting in the faces of old ladies. If you try to stop them doing all this, they'll hate you for it. Not only does Saints Row 2 not stop you, but it keeps score. [61] Dead Space [ edit ] Just for once, I'd like to see a spaceship in a horror game that actually seems like it might have been a nice place to live. You know, tasteful light fittings, elegant laquered wood panels, or at the very least, throw a fucking carpet down now and again. At least that way, it would almost be a surprise when it gets invaded by a horde of flesh-eating mutants. Frankly, if you paint your spaceship gunmetal-gray and fit it with about half as many flickery-ass fluorescent lights as are necessary, then you might as well rename it the USS Kill Beast Buffet! I've heard people praise how scary it is, but really all it does is startle, and that's not difficult. I was startled when a possum jumped into my window; that doesn't make it the marsupial answer to Stanley Kubrick! [62] Fable 2 [ edit ] The first thing you're gonna need is money. Questing doesn't pay as well as it used to, so you have to get a job. I guess I missed the short story where Conan the Barbarian took up bartending but-- No! Bad Yahtzee! Life simulator! Life simulator! Adjust expectations! Okay then. You know how in The Sims you could get a job as a mailroom clerk? You remember how you had to go into the office every single in-game day and play a little mini-game where you fling envelopes into pigeon holes? Of course not! Because it would have been really fucking boring! Then you have the option of marrying someone, although why you'd want to is a question the game skillfully avoids. Everyone has the same voices and endlessly repeated dialogue lines, so you'll run into nine clones of your beloved down any given street and none of them will get their tits out when you're bonking them. These are just a few of the excellent reasons why I grew bored after around twelve minutes of happy marriage and decided it was time to murder my entire family. This was the point when I discovered you can't kill children, of course. So much for total freedom, eh? What, so it's all right for someone else to shoot me in the face and throw me off a building when I'm a kid; but the moment I try to spread the love, then ooh, suddenly we're getting off message? And while we're on the subject, why can't I marry my dog? [63] Fallout 3 [ edit ] If I had Liam Neeson's phone number, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd nervously call him up and blurt out something about how Darkman was all right before slamming the receiver down and running away. But hypothetically, if I wasn't an idiot and talked him into doing voices for my video game, I'd have him voice a character named Captain Dynamite, who has the face of Frank Zappa and nuclear missiles instead of legs. He'd fly around the player in a magic space buggy for the entire course of the game sprinkling rose petals and friendship. What I'm saying is I'd make the most of the talent. Bethesda seems to be in the habit of hiring the biggest name voice actors they can find, and having their character drop off the face of the earth before you've even picked a class. They did it to Captain Picard in Oblivion and now they've done it to Oskar Schindler in Fallout 3. Games have spent the last twenty years ingraining into me the instinct that being the stalwart hero of the land basically overrules society's petty ownership laws. Rather an objectivist philosophy on reflection, but I'll be buggered before I unlearn that for one fucking game! [64] Guitar Hero World Tour [ edit ] The first problem we ran into was that no one wanted to sing! This is less a problem with World Tour specifically, and more an inherent problem with the original concept , and possibly with the people I hang around with. You see, people who like pretend guitar are introverted nerds who picture themselves as the aloof, crazy-skilled lead guitarist whose hands rattle away at the strings like nervous little crabs while he stares into the middle distance pretending to have forgotten he's holding it. Whereas people who like pretend singing are either screechy center-of-attention types or a normal person who has rendered themselves massively drunk and stumbled upon a jukebox full of 80s power ballads . [65] Mirror's Edge [ edit ] For most people, a demo for Mirror's Edge colored their expectations a shimmering gold, only to realize once they bought the full game that they had been seeing the light reflecting off a stream of piss. And yeah, maybe it would be realistic for all that white scenery combined with bright sunlight to bleed together into a big blinding blob, but it doesn't help you avoid dropping off a building for the umpteen bazillionth time. "Oh," says Mirror's Edge, here manifesting as a designer with a bicycle pump embedded in his skull. "Well, since that's your problem, I guess I'll just set half the game in linear claustrophobic tunnels that undermine the very concept of free running, and then fill them with excessive bloom anyway!" So he did. And then he ate his own shoes. So, essentially flawed concept, dodgy detection, indecisive design, muddy story, unlikeable characters, shocking brevity: put them all together and you get essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity! And of course Mirror's Edge. [66] Left 4 Dead [ edit ] It's my observation that zombies are second only to ninjas, pirates, and monkeys in the list of things that nerds like and need to shut the fuck up about. They watch movies about them, they dress up like them and wander around irritating commuters in major cities; and it seems every time a hot new engine comes out, some craven optimist will try to make a zombie mod for it, post up one gun model and a piece of concept art before the level designer remembers he's only worked in Lego and the whole thing falls apart. I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs. ...The repetition is eased by the so-called "AI Director" -- an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows, who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the points when you need it, and a billion zombies whenever he's bored (which is all the time). Anthropomorphizing the system was probably a shrewd idea, because when cocks rocket skyward, everyone likes having someone to blame who can't defend themselves. I saw someone pray to the AI Director once; this is probably how cults get started! [67] Sonic Unleashed [ edit ] Sonic the Hedgehog is sort of a rock star of the video gaming industry. He fronted a succession of extremely popular titles , made enough money to buy St. Paul's Cathedral and grind it into a fine snortable powder, hung around with a lot of suspiciously effeminate young boys , abused a number of forbidden substances , spiraled downward as inevitably as Al-Qaeda Airways, weathered a few very embarrassing attempts to regrab the spotlight, and now his shows are attended only by people's dads, who can only shake their heads in despair at the unshaven drug-addled spaz on stage whose pathetic spurts of activity masquerading as entertainment only serve to highlight both his and his audience's mutual decline into inexorable piss-dribbling old age. All he needs to do now is hang himself on a doorknob while having a wank! It's a fairly safe assumption that anyone who ever had any actual talent at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company to an invading force of leprous retards who create design documents by flicking fountain pens at a pile of shredded paper. This isn't the game for you if you like jumping right into the action. Come to think of it, this isn't the game for you even if you don't! I'm not sure what kind of person could consider this the game for them, but they probably live in a cave and subsist on raw fish! Prince of Persia [ edit ] The Prince of Persia series as it stands can best be equated to a man who owns a goose that once, when the conditions were exactly right and after being fed a particular kind of food, laid a golden egg . He then spent the next few years experimenting with the goose's bedding and vitamin intake hoping to recreate the ideal conditions, and after nothing more than a couple of bronze and silver eggs plopped out he went the scientific route of chopping it into fritters looking for the secret. And after that didn't work he hastily stitched it back together, dressed it up in glittery fabric and attached some googly eyes. And that's the new Prince of Persia, an appealingly gaudy appearance that fails to disguise the fact that the old bird is dead inside. To utterly misquote Benjamin Franklin, "He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither." [69] Awards for 2008 [ edit ] The Turd in a Chocolate Box Award for Surprising Poor Quality: Grand Theft Auto IV Mirror's Edge was a hot contender for this award, until I remembered that the game's badness didn't come as any surprise to me because it was by EA, and I am apparently more skilled in pattern recognition than most. So the award goes to none other than Grand Theft Auto IV, which decided that the best way to bring in specialty madcap sandbox fun into the new console generation was to dip the graphics in filthy dishwater, construct all the vehicles from depleted uranium, and break up the gameplay every five minutes to make you wheel your fat cousin to places and shovel burgers into his gob. Congratulations go out to all at Rockstar, as soon as someone wakes them up. [70] Tomb Raider: Underworld [ edit ] Tomb Raider Underworld's story goes as follows. Lara's looking for her mum, who is dead, only she isn't really; she's just stuck in the afterlife, so maybe she is dead, I dunno. And there's this evil lady who blows up Lara's house because... er... I guess she really doesn't want Lara to find her mum. The story follows on from Tomb Raider: Legend , which I haven't played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered: Absolutely bloody no one! Especially not myself. [71] Far Cry 2 [ edit ] You see, for sandbox gameplay to work, you need a deeply varied world that calls for exploration (a la Saints Row 2 ) and/or some kind of clear ultimate goal hovering overhead (a la Assassin's Creed ). Far Cry 2 has neither. Its approach is to plunk us without instruction in the middle of nowhere and knock off for lunch. It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild, only for it bewilderedly sit on a daisy for several hours before a predator comes along and bites its entire body off. [72] Gears of War 2 [ edit ] ...This is a game for big manly men with pecs like paving slabs. Anyone who shows any emotion besides grim determination or detached gallows humor is going to either die or get his balls kicked so hard that they blast out of his ears. Other ways to tempt fate in this universe include wearing a helmet, not having a sense of humor, and basically being anyone but the kind of person who'd replace their genitals with a minigun if they thought they could get away with it and found something else they could piss out of! It's worth remembering that sometimes popular things are popular for a reason -- because they're good, or because Will Smith is in it. [73] Little Big Planet [ edit ] I feel there's a fundamental difference of philosophy between me and the developers of LittleBigPlanet. They believe that every single person is an extra-special god-child with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower; and I believe that every single person is a tosser, and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried under garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers, all of which the moderators hastily delete along with anything that looks at them funny. [74] Thief: The Dark Project [ edit ] So it was left to Thief to have strange and deviant thoughts like, "What if there was a first-person game where you were trying to achieve something other than genocide, where even one or two measly deaths would have the game slap your hands away from the controls and yell, 'What the fuck?'" And thus was born the stealth-em-up. Not that a reasonable person could profitably ogle the guards and civilians in Thief. This was still early days of full 3D, so they all looked and moved like badly made origami polio victims. But there was nothing more impishly entertaining than hiding in a shadow listening to a pair of thicko guards discuss nose picking strategies. Then when they heard your stifled giggling, there was nothing more tense than standing stock-still with breath caught as the aforesaid thickoes peered searchingly into the shadows, so close you could practically see their polygonal nostril hairs quivering, as you pray to a god you never believed in that they'll turn around and facilitate a nice swift bop across the bonce. [75] Skate 2 [ edit ] The main character is a faceless, voiceless, nameless jerk who is incarcerated in a prison whose entire inmate population consists of skaters and whose friends instantly assume they'll want to start skating again once he gets out -- which you can't refuse because you can't fucking speak! -- lending credence to the theory that, rather than being heaven for skaters, this is some kind of hell for people who call skaters masochistic twats. I dunno; I can see how Skate 2 would be fun and satisfying for someone who knew what the hell they were doing, but the path to becoming that sort of someone is so arduous and frustrating you're more likely to just yell, "Fuck it!" and go back to Rockband. Maybe today will be the day I finally complete Green Hills and High Tides [sic] on expert. Personally, I felt more sympathetic for the police than the skaters in this game no matter how often they were depicted as power-tripping authoritarian toolbags diabolically infringing upon our personal right to fling ourselves at top speed down a busy pavement and knock somebody's mum into the path of a Fiat Bravo! [76] Fear 2 [ edit ] And of course there's F.E.A.R.'s ongoing pretensions to being horror games. Amusingly there are several occasions when a scary set piece will rely upon you looking in a certain direction at a certain time, which in many cases you won't be. So, while a ghostly vision farts about off-screen, the soundtrack will give a sudden violin shriek while you stare at a menacing window sill. Now I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine a world where sequels are banned. Would this not be a beautiful place? Sure, we'd miss out on genuinely good sequels like Thief 2 or Half-Life 2 , but I think that's a small price to pay. Every story would have to be fresh, so the writers would have to work extra hard to make the characters relateable. With no sequels there are no franchises , so there'd be less fandom, so all the nerds will go off and become doctors and scientists and rid the world of all known diseases. And best of all, endings would have to have some fucking closure! Under this regime, ending the game with ambiguous "to be continued" bullshit, when you have no idea if you'll even make a sequel , will be punishable with prison time! Cautions will be issued for recurring themes and metaphors , and remakes will carry the death penalty! [77] Spiderman: Web of Shadows [ edit ] I know that Spiderman's flaws and humanity are central to his character -- great responsibility, Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy, clone saga, derpy derpy doo -- but I'm sure there's a way to bring that across without making him a whiny little bitch! I don't know who they got to do the voice but he badly needs to make his balls drop, with pliers if necessary. Web of Shadows makes the high-speed web-slinging stay in mopping the floors while the combat goes out to beat up faggots. And combats are never going to be unique again. Fists, chains, ropes with spikes on the end, guns, swords, guns that are also swords - these are all roads well traveled. If I want to hurt people I'll play God of War , or prowl the homeless shelters with a knife and garrote wire, but if I want to swing around on webs very fast I'll play Spider-Man! [78] House of the Dead: Overkill [ edit ] House of the Dead as a series has long been the butt of jokes for its atrocious stories, disastrous translation and calamitous voice acting; but at the same time it's also got a history of canny self-parody. House of the Dead 2 was re-released as a surprisingly hilarious typing tutor in which the guns were replaced by magical keyboards that blew off zombie limbs and heads with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs, and which I heartily recommend to anyone who feels that zombie massacres need not be precluded from the development of secretarial skills. [79] 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand [ edit ] You know what? A society where anyone can make jokes about anyone else and everyone laughs is a truly tolerant society. Political-correctness-charged censorship only serves to engender resentment and distance between social groups . Besides, gangster rappers don't need defending, they've got guns for that! All the other characters talk and act like they're in a rejected Indiana Jones plot; eloquently soliloquizing their motivations while 50 Cent swaggers about slurring thick urban dialect, sticking out like a sausage roll in a soufflé. But if this were deliberate, it would imply some level of sophistication on the part of the writer, which I can't accept. If it were an Indiana Jones plot, it'd be one dictated by a Phantom Menace era George Lucas to a secretary who doesn't speak English. Remove your presumptions and we find ourselves playing a game about an extremely rich man, who wears two hats for no adequate reason, destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself -- presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is. [80] Resident Evil 5 [ edit ] (on the game's inventory system) And here's the really fun part: If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space, too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor! It's all such a fucking unintuitive nuisance, and whoever came up with it should be sent to a special hell where he has to pack shopping for crotchety old women! ...Or perhaps just punched in the stomach. But let’s close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that’s been hanging around like a bad smell. RE5 actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. And then... Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. Oh, dears! Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one really shouldn't worry about this sort of thing unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. Capcom aren't bad people, they're just idiots. [81] Halo Wars [ edit ] The story so far: I'm embarking upon an occasional quest to play games belonging to genres I've never really gotten into; a campaign I thoroughly expect to wholeheartedly regret the next time a big JRPG comes out, but mostly due to my excremental boredom with the procession of identical powered-armor space marines that clog up mainstream action gaming like so much hyper-masculine mildew. As part of this venture I've been playing Halo Wars, which may come across as a curious choice because it's a game about identical powered-armor space marines — GYAAARGH! The business of selecting units is also a right ass, and that may sound like a small complaint, but small things can lead to big problems, like a tiny piece of broken glass lodged in a urinary tract. Games that evolved in PC waters have trouble adapting to a non-mouse controlled environment and RTS is no exception. Lacking click-and-drag, all you can do is select one prick, select one prick and all his prick friends standing within a fixed diameter, select all the pricks on the current screen, or call a great big all-map prick hoedown. So if you just want to, say, select all your flying pricks for a strategic insertion, then you're going to have a bit of prick trouble beyond the might of any soothing cream. [About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after a timer ran out] "We lost contact!" went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words "WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS." appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their Battle Royale collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves ? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? Absolutely bloody no one! Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole fucking mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT! Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars [ edit ] The DS meanwhile is not a turd (and good thing, too, with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kinda does its own thing, It does it well, but GTA is from a different world. Chinatown Wars is therefore the bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers from two warring families, tragically shot dead while trying to elope by a hired gun (played in this drama by myself), too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed. It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults. Stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality — all the foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius. [83] MadWorld [ edit ] There really needs to be a name for this sub-genre, so I'm going to make one up: spectacle fighters - games in which most of the standard baddies are about as effectual as a panda's love spuds, and the emphasis is less on them being challenges to get past and more on them being squirty punching bags to be dispatched in the most spectacular ways. Devil May Cry , Viewtiful Joe , God Hand and arguably Manhunt are the foamy-mouthed horses that already populate this rowdy stable. [84] Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X. [ edit ] Now I'm no expert on this (or indeed, anything except dick analogies) but I do know that modern military jets are very fucking fast things. By the time you see one it's already over there, so combat in such a thing would usually amount to pressing a button and watching something half a mile behind you burst into flames, and that's not just idle fact it's cold hard speculation. But real life makes not for entertainment, so for this game we're all just going to dogfight in jets like it's nineteen-forty-fucking-five, okay? The PMC point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. But then! They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? Scaramanga? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? [85] Siren Blood Curse [ edit ] Survival horror is what I might call my "pet" genre, a pet I keep in the tool shed and feed broken glass, and in my awards for last year I accused everything that claimed survival horror status of being nothing but a parade of action games where some of the enemies jump very suddenly out of cupboards. But some viewers took issue with that: "What about Siren Blood Curse?" they cried. "While you were blindly clinging to the hope that the new developers would recover Silent Hill from the dustbin with the baked beans and fish heads cleaned off, the PS3 was enjoying a true original survival horror game full of all that Japanese-style horror you hold in such high esteem, watashi wa baka gaijin, etc. etc." So, all right, I guess I'm going to have to put my hands up to that one. Yes, there was at least one survival horror game last year - it's just that it was rubbish. That's the other major problem I have: When you play Siren, you do things it's way. It has that adventure game problem of every challenge having one and only one solution. "You will step in line, motherfucker, and if you don't like it, you can fuck off back to your sandbox." [86] The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena [ edit ] My theory is that Dark Athena consists of two mission packs that were inexpertly mashed together, after it became clear that the second one was too short and too shit. It's in this chapter that we're introduced to the "spider turret", a small wall-mounted enemy that is very hard to spot and which can knock off all your health in two hits from two continents away -- an enemy which can only have been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of sixteenth century puritans working to eliminate the very concept of fun. Riddick in Pitch Black had some personality, a sense of humor, actual flaws and ambiguous morals — you know, like what us tiresome human beings have. But now he's just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growl threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that are supposed to make him sound like a warrior poet but more give the impression that he has fortune cookie papers glued to the inside of his goggles! [87] Valkyria Chronicles [ edit ] Work has been put into giving every soldier a distinct face, personality, and one-line back story, which is probably just intended to make us give a shit, but was really useful in helping me remember the useless fatheads. There was this one guy, a sniper, looked like he was suffering from reverse aging and he just felt his testicles being absorbed into his body, seemed to hit maybe one out of every ten shots, and every time I brought him along, the enemy would always aim for him first. It was uncanny. It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull sucked every passing bullet right into his face. Valkyria Chronicles helped me come to two distressing realizations about myself -- firstly, that I might technically be a Nazi sympathizer; and secondly, that turn-based strategy is something I might be able to get into. Here and there in battle, I caught myself getting slightly entertained. but Valkyria Chronicles messes itself around too much. Aside from the action being outnumbered five to one by cutscenes and muddy menu-driven micromanagement motherfuckery, enemies should not be able to shoot you when it's not their fucking turn! It's like an opponent in chess flicking elastic bands at your pawns while you're trying to think. [88] Velvet Assassin [ edit ] So it's a third person stealth game with a Splinter-Cell-crossed-with-Hitman-crossed-with-Schindler's-List sort of feel, with a dash of Thief's atmosphere and a sprinkling of Metal Gear Solid's confused vaguely anti-war bullshit message. I have a special little black hole in my cold obsidian heart for stealth gameplay, but it's like owning a tiger. It's very impressive if you know how to look after it, but if you don't you're going to be cleaning massive dollops of your former children off of the kitchen floor. Instant game-overs the moment the guards so much as smell your farts are an example of bad stealth. And while Velvet Assassin does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, you have a bad haircut, so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the sixteen hyperbolillionth time. One thing's for sure: This definitely wasn't an American production because, if it was, it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violet watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and Valkyria Chronicles, what's with all the World War Two games being developed by the Axis forces? What is this, community service? [89] Duke Nukem Forever [ edit ] My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on fourteen DVDs, but I'd expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display, and a good thing too. I mean, hypothetically, if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super-game and had merely been jerking off for twelve years, then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys, but there are also investors (who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people) who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they've never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining than a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people who still genuinely believe that something half-decent could come out of this rigmarole would say, "That's tragic." NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC! If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that is not tragic, that is how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by Social Services. But anyway, the point was, I'm just glad I don't live in a world where such scenarios exist. Now I'd better stop here, because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we'd go pony trekking under the sea. [90] Bionic Commando [ edit ] The bionic commando, a character so lasting and dynamic that I completely forgot his name, is on death row for... being a bionic commando apparently. But then a group of radical bionics nuke a city to make everyone realize what harmless and level-headed people they are, so the government give our hero his arm back and send him in, but they call him up every five minutes to call him a tosser so at least they're not hypocrites. Also, there's a subplot concerning his missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is officially the most retarded thing I've heard since I called the walrus hotline! Whatever, I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch - I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit! [91] inFamous [ edit ] In my FEAR 2 review I made the point that government supersoldier projects are a flawed premise because any death machine with free will will inevitably notice that there's something iffy about taking orders from cabals of aging generals when they could beat bears to death from across the room using only their prostates. If superpowers are to be had handing them out to random passers-by seems as good a system as any, because then we could all ask ourselves whether we'd use the gift to help people or blow up the entire world. Of course I would ask why we can't have more options. Can't I just help people as a day job and destroy the world on the weekends? Or maybe I'd just fuck the whole complicated business and go back to working at Wal-Mart, using my powers to jump-start the little carts the fatties ride around on. Anyway, everyone knows that a really evil person would take the good options to create a facade of benevolence while slowly building their power base and public confidence until, just when you least expect it... BAM! Off-world slavery. And even then the Republicans would probably still vote for them. [92] The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre [ edit ] Project Natal! I know they pronounced it "Nat-ahl", but I'm going to keep calling it "Nay-tal" because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a dead-eyed CG ten-year-old while Peter Molyneux stands in the background gushing about it. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one "unwinds" by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. [93] Sonic All-Stars Racing! First thought: "Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need a car?" Second thought: "Why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?" Prototype [ edit ] Prototype still wins, though, because a sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly like emo Peter Pan. I'd say it was, "Made of win," but if I did I'd have to strangle myself. Again, zapping people in the balls is really the only schadenfreude to be had in inFamous, and Prototype absolutely skull-fucks it in the dicking around event: Eat an old man, take his appearance, run all they way up the tallest building, then elbow-drop two hundred stories directly onto his confused and frightened wife. Then sneak up behind two soldiers and eat one without his friend noticing, then when the two of you get back to base, accuse your friend of being you in disguise. Then when all the other soldiers are distracted shooting him, EAT THEM, TOO! [94] The Sims 3 [ edit ] Truly, my objection comes because what I am is a critic of games, not a critic of computer programs that you just fuck around in! This may sound a little bit hysterical but The Sims is probably the most evil game in the world. It's not the Manhunt kind of evil that convinces children to put each others' heads in plastic bags - that's pussy evil. It's not even the World of Warcraft type of evil that turns millions of people into mindless zombies, doomed to walk the earth devouring pizza and Cheetos. No, The Sims is evil out of a sense of underlying wrongness. Despite physical appearance every character feels the same, a facade of wholesomeness stretched over a dead empty interior, a hive-like community of beings who make an effort to imitate human behavior but don't quite grasp the subtleties. And you just know that if you peel their skin back you'll find reptilian scales or a black chitinous exoskeleton. [95] Ghostbusters: The Video Game [ edit ] People or properties more commonly associated with famous movies , books , birthday card messages, etc, decide to grace the video game industry with their presence and everyone's all like, "Ooh, show us how it's done great sensei, because we've honestly just been guessing up to now!" It belies not only the endless disrespect video games recieve, but also gaming's collective self-esteem problem. If something worked as a movie, then that qualifies it to work as a sequence of amusing lights and sounds that hold the average scumbag's jaw slacked for around two hours. Whereas a video game has to stand up to about ten hours of unpleaseable nerds like me turning over every rock looking for stuff to complain about. My point is, asking a filmmaker to make a game is like asking a sausage maker to suck off a pig. You can sort of see the logical connection there, but it's a completely different skillset and the effort will just leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. [96] Overlord 2 [ edit ] Overlord 2 plonks you in the usual generic fantasy world and into the big Renaissance Faire booties of some guy who at least subscribes to the same magazines as Lord Sauron , and your task is to use an army of giggling imp minions to... Actually that's a good point; what the fuck are we doing here? Taking over the world, probably, not that they ever tell you that. I guess once you put your big spiky helmet on over your glowing eyes and raised an army of demons to do your bidding, you can't exactly go back to business school. Also, is there a specific imp who has died and for whom you had a particular fondness? No there isn't, you fucking liar, they're all identical! But just in case there is (if you're the kind of person who assigns personalities to their dining room chairs), then you can resurrect specific ones for a small price, you weirdo. You see, the imps fail to endear themselves to me, which could be because they control like ass! A fat one to be precise, sitting on a pair of stilts with roller skates on the end. You see, while it is true that people enjoy being a dick in games, it stops being fun when the game actually wants you to be a dick. It's less about dickishness itself and more about defying the rules. That's why it's more fun to be a dick in, say, Half Life 2 because the game is desperately trying to make you out as the hero even while you're jumping on someone's head throwing broken bottles into people's eyes. [97] Red Faction Guerrilla [ edit ] After that a load of boring plot happened, and I was let into the real game and still brimming with Viking rage , my first instinct was to see what effect Mjöllnir would have on the nearest human being. For the first blow they just told me to stop arsing around, and on the second their spine snapped neatly in half. Hah! Teach him to tell me what to do. But then a little message came up saying that my morale had gone down. No, it fucking hadn't, Red Faction Guerrilla! Now get out of the way so I can break all your stuff! [98] Wii Sports Resort [ edit ] Wii Sports Resort is mostly functional and you could probably have a lot of fun playing it with friends or some children you intend to molest. But I oppose it because I see what it represents: a dead end. Your motion sensor could have full 1:1 control and incorporate a twenty-two function Swiss Army knife, but that won't change the fact that without physical feedback, motion controls are unimmersive! In the long run, they can only hope to sucker in casual gamers with teaspoon-shallow minigames like Wii Sports, the gaming equivalent of the cartoon cinemas used to play before the film. I say stop buying the Wii, fuck Project Natal up the arse, and maybe this whole motion sensor trend can fuck off and make room for the next innovation. Like cyberspace! Or a controller made of fruit! [99] Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood [ edit ] At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges; and as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot! They could even have had three-way co-op, let the third guy play as "Wee-um". Press X to hide, press triangle to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants. [100] The Conduit [ edit ] I read in the gaming journals that The Conduit uses special technology that makes it look as good as games on the PS3 and Xbox. Then I waited a few minutes for the punchline, but apparently they were serious! To put it charitably, the game is fucking ugly! This isn't even because of the Wii. I've seen better-looking Wii games and even Gamecube games - this is more on the level of a PS2 that someone's trodden on. I can't remember the last time I saw a game depict a skyline by painting one on a wall and erecting it a few feet away from the window. That's shit I'd expect from a Tex Murphy game, and Christ, this is turning into a good review for obscure references , isn't it? The sole element The Conduit can claim as a unique gameplay mechanic is a glorified flashlight that reveals invisible locking mechanisms, essentially doing nothing but an extra phase to the "press button, open door" routine. Don't worry if you're not keen on scavenger hunts, though, because the presence of a nearby invisible thing is helpfully indicated by the soundtrack going, "BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!" while you're still trying to clear the room of those fucking insidious scuttlefuck spawners. "BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP BDEEP!" And then when you think you've cleared the room and put your weapon away to shut the fucking thing up; Lo and behold! There was another monster spawner on the ceiling you couldn't see because you can't look up! [101] Silent Hill 2 [ edit ] You see, Silent Hill 2 isn't just a game I think is good. Silent Hill 2 is the game I replay every now and again to remind myself that, for all the shiny brown/quick time event/RPG element/space marines, gaming is still worth defending. If I were Batman, Silent Hill 2 would be my murdered parents, if you see what I mean. Silent Hill 2 is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in symbolism , the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of Pyramid Head (in his first appearance before he totally sold out) an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin. [102] 2.5D Hoedown [ edit ] 'Splosion Man puts me in mind of N+ crossed with Portal , and then crossed with Portal a few more times until very little of N+ remained. It's set in a futuristic laboratory like the one in Portal, but it doesn't get suspicious until you find your first cake. There's one on every level you can get for extra points, which is obviously way better than Portal which just had the one, and even that one was of questionable status. And you remember how Portal memorably featured a jaunty song with quirky lyrics? 'Splosion Man has three. I appreciate that you have to do whatever it takes to stand out in the indie market, but 'Splosion Man really is trying too hard, like an insecure man who goes to work in bright green trousers so the people will pay attention to him, if only for long enough to tell him to change his stupid green trousers. [103] Tales of Monkey Island [ edit ] Monkey Island was part of my childhood. I had the first two on my Amiga - don't suppose you embryos would remember those times when a game like Monkey Island 2 came on twelve floppy disks and playing it was like operating an old-fashioned switchboard? The first two games are still timelessly imaginative, sparkling, and very very funny, and therefore have no place in this review. The problem with the later installments is the usual one that occurs when a series has been in cryogenics for a few years in that the new developers are almost always fans who, in their eagerness to show "respect" for their beloved franchise, prefer to lavish it in tongue baths in place of any significant evolution. In the second episode of Tales of Monkey Island, a character whistles a snatch of music from Monkey Island 2, which might have been kind of cool if he had not then said, "GEE I WONDER WHERE THAT MUSIC'S FROM, HMM?! HMM?! Wink-wink! Slurp-slurp! Tongue bath!" I'm reminded of a cat showing affection to its owner by gobbing a dead bird onto his rug. [104] Wolfenstein [ edit ] You know what future historians will say about us, right? There were two very different games within the same twenty-year period, both called Wolfenstein and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the first. From this we conclude that the people of the early 21st century were taking the piss! It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the genre , but Wolfenstein (the new one that is) subscribes to so many of the cliches of current generation action games that it's like The Spy Who Loved Me of FPSs. It's so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That's why I've decided to review it... in limerick form! In the tumultuous time before D-day / There once was man named BJ / With chocolate box hair / And a face like a bear / And a jacket he picked up on E-bay. Your gun is of course your best friend / On which you must always depend / When you get into fights / You can look down the sights / And bullets come out of the end. [105] Batman Arkham Asylum [ edit ] I had my doubts about Arkham Asylum because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when you're Batman, a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit - and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit - but I just love that bit in The Dark Knight when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from The Departed, until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye. Also, it's amazing how I only really care about auto-run after it's been taken away. If I fail to hold down "X" every single time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his ass. I thought we perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it half way to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for... I dunno, the "bat spank?" [106] Beatles Rock Band and Guitar Hero 5 [ edit ] Rhythm games are a bit of an indictment of our generation, aren't they? Why yes, I would like to clarify that position! We've never had a decent war to give us any sense of mutual achievement or confidence, so we place anyone with the slightest talent or notoriety on ridiculous pedestals and tell ourselves we could never reach them because we're just so shit! And then Rock Band and Guitar Hero say, "Yes! You are shit! Real guitar's not in your league; all the shit will come off your shitty fingers and clog up the fretboard! But never mind; here's something that isn't much like playing real guitar but kind of looks like it, and that's the best you could hope for, isn't it, you empty, hopeless turd?!" Let me ask you something, Guitar Hero: Do you really want to create a generation surfing across mediocrity on a wave of plinky-plonky plastic? And when the fuck are you going to license Stairway to Heaven? [107] Darkest of Days [ edit ] When you're dealing with time travel it's important to establish whose rules are in play. Is this 12 Monkeys rules where you can't change shit? Or Back to the Future rules where you can change shit but the time line is kind of easygoing about it? Or Terminator rules where you can change shit, but then maybe you can't change shit, and then you make a God-awful TV series and Christian Bale yells at someone? [108] Scribblenauts [ edit ] I feel sorry for people who are god, and I shouldn't because that's like feeling sorry for Paris Hilton. Don't ask how I got into this situation but, on one level, I had a truck hanging Italian Job -style over a lava pit with a star embedded in an ice block sitting on the end. I had an ice pick and all I had to do was carefully move along the truck, smash the ice and get the star. Even if I fell into the lava, if I had the star, I'd still win, with an agonizing, flesh-vaporizing victory dance. But as I tapped on the block to break it, it shifted slightly and I clicked the background. And fuck! it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do that! He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a clown when he grew up. I'd call him a fucking drunken spastic, but apparently those words don't exist. If I were feeling charitable, I'd liken it to having infinite amounts of Lego and only being allowed to access ten blocks of it at a time. But it's not even that. It's more like no-clipping through Doom 3 with all the lights turned up; all the content with no structure or entertainment value; not so much a game as a developer showing off. Congratulations guys , you've proved that you have a fuck-load of free time and a dictionary. Come back when you've looked up what "fun" means. [109] Wet [ edit ] There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon. The main character is Rubi, a tomboy-ish assassin who's about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim; and this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a fifteen-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is Russ Meyer and you built an entire film-making career around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. That's MY thing! [110] Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story [ edit ] I don't have a problem with aiming games at kids, although I do despise kids. Seriously, I don't think you quite grasp how much I loathe children. Given three wishes, I'll ask for a puppy, a decent chip sandwich and for every child-bearing womb on the planet to pop out and fly away like a cheery parade of greasy red balloons. But while kids are pretty fucking stupid - I mean, even with all the crayons in the world, they still can't draw a fucking house - that doesn't mean you can't try to challenge them. When I was a kid, we played games where you had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you! Kids today get their hands held so hard their fingers turn white and drop off! [111] Brütal Legend [ edit ] It's difficult to put down in words my opinion of Tim Schaffer but, basically, if I had access to a doomsday machine, I'd reduce the entire population of the world to me, Tim Schaffer, and maybe a woman (if she promised to wear a Tim Schaffer mask). I ask you now: How many more genres have to be sacrificed to the sandbox monster before we remember the importance of specialization? We've already lost the RPGs, the racers, the shooters, the brawlers, the bakers, the candlestick makers - all stouped together into games of all trades, masters of none. And now we're losing real-time strategy; where does it end? Will I one day be refused the straight-line block in Tetris until I've journeyed to the Sargoth Plains and recovered the fifty sacred horse-bollocks? [112] Washington D.C. [ edit ] Yeah, that raises the question: If you have sex with a clone of yourself, is that incest or masturbation? If you got, like, Siamese twins... who share the same, like, downstairs parts, and one of them consents and the other one doesn't... is it rape? I mean, if the other one consents? It's like a... it's a timeshare vagina. [113] Uncharted 2: Among Thieves [ edit ] [Uncharted: Drake's Fortune] wasn't awful, but it had fewer original thoughts than the BBC program planning department. It had one ball from Gears of War in its mouth and another from Tomb Raider and was sucking for all it's might. The plot was removed by cesarean section from an Indiana Jones movie so sloppily that doctors were unable to save any of the relatable characters or coherent motivations; and also took a lead from the Dan Brown school of puzzles. i.e. present the viewer some ancient riddle, then immediately solve it for them because if they were smart they wouldn't be watching this piss. Like a supermodel who was considered ugly because she wears a baggy sweater, Drake is generically handsome beneath the strategically-placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble; supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded, gibbon-armed-flailing jumping technique; and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacement in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria - although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game, he has now moved on to non-American whites. [114] Dragon Age: Origins [ edit ] Dragon Age calls itself a "Dark Fantasy". It's rather cute, really, like a D&D nerd getting his ear pierced because he fancies the goth girl who works at Starbucks. Dragon Age isn't Dark Fantasy, nor is it Light Grey, Avocado, or Caffeine-Free Fantasy -- it's just straight Fantasy Classic; it's a straight-line Tetris block wiping out four big, fat rows of demand for traditional single-player RPGs. Its got elves, dwarves, dragons, it's got a title screen depicting a sword sticking out of the ground, and the world map looks like a fire-breathing coffee drinker's been sick on it. We're talking 100% commitment here, where every individual element could be taken out of context and every single one could make your girlfriend legitimately call you a sad bastard. I remember hearing somewhere that Dragon Age contained nine novels worth of text, which didn't really sell it to me. Who the fuck sits down to read nine novels at once, if they don't live in the fucking Bastille?! So about seventy five percent of your playtime is spent making rather creepy loving eye contact with NPCs as they talk about the weather, the political situation, and the small group of ogres who are standing behind you and who will stove in your head with lead pipes literally the very instant this conversation ends, all in the same placid tone of voice, even when you're freshly battled and your body is spotted with blood splatters like a menstruating leper, which makes everyone in the world seem a little bit mental. [115] Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 [ edit ] "Unimpressed by our controversy , are you?" says Infinity Ward . "Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!" Remember how, in my HAWX review , I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, MW2 skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe. At the point when I was ramping a snowmobile over a sixty foot abyss, I realized that all pretense of realism had been savagely dropped and they had opted to write some demented and confusing James Bond story where James Bond gets murdered half an hour in to be replaced by a bloke called, "Bames Jond." [116] Assassin's Creed 2 [ edit ] Being European, there's an old saying I'm quite fond of: In Heaven, the food is Italian, the police are British, the platformers are French , the shooters are Croatian , and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation . In Hell, the food is British, the shooters are Canadian , and I forget the rest, but basically the gist of the saying is that Italians are all tossers. About the only important things Italy ever did were the Renaissance and murdering Jesus - deicide and a whole bunch of painters running around being gay. But it's in that gay painty period of history that we find the setting of Assassin's Creed 2, or to use its other name, "Ubisoft's 20-hour Assassin's Creed 1 Repentance." Yes! Someone at Ubisoft thankfully started taking practicality pills, and Ezio can actually run at full pelt down a street without guards getting suspicious, because this is Renaissance Italy, where it's more suspicious to not dress and act like a complete bell-end. Also thank fuck there's a fast travel system now, and you don't have to take lengthy horse journeys between every fucking mission. Unless you want to. Like if you've got a lady friend 'round and you want to hypnotize her with the sight of a horse's ass bobbing up and down for half an hour. [117] Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros Wii [ edit ] Nintendo's Mario team really don't seem to have any ambition besides subsisting on bits of crust they can scrape from the pimply underbelly of nostalgia, lest anything as dangerous as a new idea appear in their brains and give them a fucking seizure! But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, "This shit will not fly!" [118] Demon's Souls [ edit ] Eventually though I got through the first dingy castle full of jerks and found the first demon, which was a giant slow-moving cowpat. Probably fitting for the very first tier but I was starting to think the game was making fun of me. Anyway, some helpful prior player advised me via the medium of floor to use fire-based weapons, so I opened the menu to put some fire on my sword, whereupon I was cowpatted to death because opening the menu doesn't pause the game. "Pause?!" it seemed to say. "What kind of faggot are you? I don't care if you need to answer the phone, real gamers have no friends!" [119] Holiday 2009[ edit ] Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas! Haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday! ... (That's summer holiday, by the way. Hope that Northern Hemisphere weather is workin' out for ya.) [120] Saboteur [ edit ] I think I've realized the problem with World War II games: It's that everyone already knows how they're going to end! A load of fascists with hard-ons for sausages and hanging big red banners on everything take over continental Europe, spread themselves over too many fronts like a single-cunted hooker filling in for her triple-cunted friend, Hitler kills himself just in time for some Russians to come and laugh at his mono-bollock, and an entire sub-genre of alternate history fiction is born. Paris is one of those old European cities where the roads have been built up over the centuries from the ancient dirt tracks where some proto-Frenchman long ago left a sickly goat out in the sun to create the very first disgusting cheese. So that leaves us with a lot of narrow, twisty roads inhabited by lots of nuns, poodles, and strolling lovers in the brief moments before they all get tangled up in your wheel arches. I've honestly lost count of all the ways I've killed Nazis in my life as a gamer. I've killed them in linear first- and third-person , sandbox first- and third-person, I've shot their planes down in flight sims , I've invaded their installations in RTSes , and in the Indiana Jones adventure games , I've point-and-clicked their lights out. Now The Saboteur has let me beat the Nazis in a go-kart race, so all I have to do now to have the full collection is smack a Nazi to death with a Guitar Hero controller! [121] Awards for 2009 [ edit ] The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die: Michael Atkinson After Super Mario Bros. Wii was just an NES Mario game with four times the bullshit, I was tempted to give this award to Mario, but frankly, it's a little too obvious, and complaining about Mario's undying nature is like using a shield and claymore to take on a speeding train. So instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson, a South Australian attorney general who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation and the world every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old fuck. [122] Torchlight [ edit ] I have a lot of respect for the fantasy peasant village economic model. It seems like those guys have got a good scam going on. First you accidentally build your settlement within easy walking distance of the local gnoll encampment or dragon cave or directly on top of a gateway to Hell, then all you have to do is build a big fat checkpoint in the village square and keep giving birth to potential kidnap victims, and your storekeeper, your blacksmith, your tailor and your innkeeper, they'll all be set for fucking life! Okay, someone's pretty daughter gets dragged off by kobolds every other night, but hey, you've cornered the lucrative adventurer market. Just buy another one! I bet this is why NPCs in RPG peasant villages never move from a single spot directly in front of their place of business; if they move, all the adventurer money in their pockets will pull their trousers down. Presumably, they pay a helper gnome to come along every morning to shovel breakfast cereal into their mouths. [123] Darksiders [ edit ] Here are the combos you will need to know to master Darksiders: The Chump Chop (square), The Double Chump Chop (square, square), and The Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha (square, square, square). War has absolutely no personality; he's a great big brick that gets in fights, going about things with an air of cold, angsty dispassion. He doesn't seem to give a toss about anything he does, so why should I? And what right does War have to be angsty about his life? He's fucking War! He's never had to queue up at the job center or pine after ex-girlfriends who left him for a surfer; he just breaks things! If I were War, and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling; I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!" [124] Bayonetta [ edit ] I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of sages and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a Harry Potter scarf who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old Pac-Man storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH! [125] Dark Void [ edit ] After two years of this, I thought I was immune to being disappointed by games. Whoops, that's my entire opinion on Dark Void given away in one sentence, isn't it? But stick with me, there's more to this! It's not that I went into Dark Void thinking it would be good, because I don't go into any games thinking they'll be good. If I have to search through a dumpster for a lost wedding ring, I could try to convince myself that the dumpster will be full of cakes and freshly-picked flowers, but I'll only be fooling myself. Dark Void is a dumpster that appeared to be full of rusty dog food tins, but once I got in I realized they were actually delicious novelty cakes made to look like rusty dog food tins. But then once I started eating them, I discovered that the icing was made from wallpaper paste and cyanide, and that's why I feel it let me down. I wonder if the Geneva Convention covers torturing metaphors? [126] Borderlands [ edit ] Alright! Fine! For fuck's sake! I'll review Borderlands if it'll make you shut up! Except it won't, will it? We both know nothing can do that short of surgically removing your fucking jaw. And even then you can still drool down my ear. I suppose this is geared to the mumorpuger crowd, who are well known for putting up with all the samey grind in the world if it means they get experience points and fancy weapons with blue names at the end of it. I've had a great idea for a game these people would love. It comes with a special USB glove peripheral and you get one experience point for each time you punch yourself in the face! And it might be true that it becomes tolerable if you do it with some friends around, but so is dying of bowel cancer. And that way they might even feel obliged to take you sky diving! [127] Mass Effect 2 [ edit ] The writing's solid, but then Bioware don't score points for that anymore. Birds fly, fish swim, Michael Attkinson molests dogs, and Bioware games have good writing. But when the characters deliver the dialogue, they always come down with the "Bioware face" -- that uncanny valley-esque look of oddness because the voices and the physical movements are created separately. You can almost see them going over their stage directions in their heads: "Hello, Commander Shepard (wave hand). I heard you might show up today (nod head). How about those freaky aliens, eh (shake fist, grr grr, slightly racist undercurrent)?" So Mass Effect 2 is very well-written and epic and immersive and all that, but gameplay-wise, it's still flailing around like a neurotic twenty-something checkout girl trying to find the right combination of hats and dresses. They discarded the ugly yellow sunhat of vehicle sections, and tried on the frumpy brown frock of resource mining and it's still not quite working. For Mass Effect 3 - and I know there will be a Mass Effect 3 because the loading screens rather unsubtly remind you to hang onto your save games - they should try bringing back the planet surface exploration, but let you navigate the terrain with jetpacks! And populate it with giant wolves that shoot lasers out of their mouths! If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play EVE Online! [128] Dante's Inferno [ edit ] The Divine Comedy really does paint God as a little bit, "Two choir boys short of a molestation racket," if all that Old Testament business didn't already tip you off. "Hey!" says God, "I've made it so it feels really really good to stick certain body parts together and jiggle them around, and hard-wired your brain to want to do it pretty much twenty-four/seven between the ages of thirteen and seventy. But if you actually do it without a special permission slip from the church, then I'm going to light you on fire! And that's just in purgatory. If you also didn't spend every Sunday reminding me what a level-headed and, if I may say so, strikingly handsome fellow I am, then I'm also going to staple your cock shut and feed you to a wolf." You have one set of upgrades for holy experience and one for unholy . "Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" you might say. "Moral choice system, hmmm?" "Well, not really," I would reply. "More a violent option or equally violent but better spirited option." "And I suppose," you would continue, "that since holy points are slightly harder to get that holy upgrades would be slightly better, and that it all might be leading toward some alternative ending scenario where too many damnations land you a big, fat, steaming two-bedroom apartment made of poo and sawblades on the Ninth Circle ?" "No," say I. "I presume that was the original intention, but I guess they used up the ending cinematic budget rendering Dante's hairy bum (spoiler alert) and the upgrade tracks are pretty much equivocal." "So what's the point of having two separate experience levels?" you ask. "Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night," I say. "Why is that?" you ask. "It beats the fuck out of me!" [129] BioShock 2 [ edit ] So the wallpaper paste-squirting bean counters from 2K asked themselves what was a popular aspect of BioShock 1 we could focus on in the sequel in order to wring as many pennies as we can out of the property, and someone said "The Big Daddies of course! I think you should get to play as one." "What?" said someone else. "Those haunting monstrous things that trudge around as if they can barely support their own weight? Those tragic figures reduced to single-function robots with no trace of humanity left that seem to embody the downfall of the city as a whole? That's a stupid fucking idea, it'd be like a sequel to Half-Life where you get to play as a gun turret." [130] Aliens vs. Predator [ edit ] This is Aliens vs. Predator, though, so there are Predators too, who show up now and then to a chorus of "What the fuck was that?" from nearby human NPCs. And I'm waiting for someone to reply, "It's a fucking Predator , you moron; the human race has only encountered them like fifty times. Did no one document anything? Didn't at least one survivor put an entry on his fucking LiveJournal ? Or did we use up all the data storage media recording all these fucking audio logs?" It's not even that scary because, current generation graphics being what they are, the Aliens all have this wet glisten effect that make them easy to spot, like they're adorned with Christmas lights. That's when they even bother to show up. There's a fine line between atmospheric pacing and just having fuck all happen. Half an hour in, I'd gone to three or four empty control rooms to press magic plot continuation buttons, and was starting to wonder if the Aliens hadn't gone to the wrong address or something. The side quest is to collect audio logs, and they're all the usual suspects: Passive-aggressive man who complains about how the guys running the place are all evil and stupid, hysterical man in a cupboard who gets abruptly cut off by grisly noises, and that one very credulous fellow who starts worshiping the aliens as gods, and who will probably end up deliberately sucking on a face hugger, nature's communion wafer. [131] Heavy Rain [ edit ] Heavy Rain is the spiritual sequel to Fahrenheit (aka Indigo Prophecy, aka Baron Von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure) and is presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Now, say what you like about Fahrenheit - thank you, I think I will; it was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally halfway through, but say what you like about Fahrenheit - at least stuff happened in it! Game starts: BOOM - you stabbed a bloke, you've got thirty seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. Meanwhile, Heavy Rain starts: You wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while, your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you stab your kids with a knife! (Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen.) Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch and the entire fucking apple tree! [132] Battlefield Bad Company 2 [ edit ] With the Battlefield series being so snipe-happy, gameplay becomes akin to crouching behind a desk trying to read a Where's Wally book from the house across the street. And every time you raise your head to look at it for longer than two seconds, you're savaged by a flock of vampire bats. And occasionally you fail to notice that the truckasaurus has chewed a perfectly square-shaped hole in the wall of your house that has permitted the ingress of a raging panther. Perhaps "Realistic Shooter" isn't the right term for games like Bad Company 2. In a truly realistic shooter, you'd get shot once, then laid up for six months before the hospital you're in gets blown up by an IED and you're forced to crawl to safety with half a leg missing before getting shot by twitchy border patrolmen. All of which is preceded by about six months of doing push-ups with a load of sweaty people you're not allowed to make love to. A better name for the Modern Warfare thing would be: Deranged Paranoid Power Fantasy For Right-Wing Shut-ins Who Would Blow Their Own Nuts Off The Moment They Were Handed An Actual Firearm And Probably Already Have Done...shooter. [133] Final Fantasy XIII [ edit ] It seems we're already assembling the usual Final Fantasy character archetype pick 'n mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and of course the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context. It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something. Some people have told me that FF13 gets good about twenty hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for twenty hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display - lots of garish colour and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. I played Final Fantasy XIII because I am an unbiased critic (shut up I am!) and I must give everything a chance to surprise me. After five hours, the only thing that surprised me was how I managed that much without chewing off my own face! [134] God of War III [ edit ] I've always liked Kratos , although I suspect he wouldn't like me because I'm alive. In a medium saturated with generic, dark-haired, clear-skinned, hypocritically violent, self-righteous white boys assigned the role of hero by virtue of being the handsomest guy in the plot - usually voiced by Nolan North - it's nice to play an admittedly ugly hate-ridden fuck with no heroic qualities and who crushes people's skulls against jagged rocks as a form of greeting. I'd like to see Nathan Drake get locked in a room with Kratos, see how far smug wisecracks get him when his head is getting sandwiched between a concrete floor and a foot that kicks so much ass that it permanently smells of farts. [136] Red Steel 2 [ edit ] I've got to admit, this is probably the best motion-control combat I've seen on the Wii. Of course, it still isn't very good. It's like being the best at jerking off to your sister in the shower, you only won because no one else entered and you probably shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. Now it must be said, Nintendo really don't think much of you. The fact that they actually released Wii Music rather than, say, murdered the creator and burned all his writing speaks well enough to that. Not only does Red Steel 2 insist upon making you play a tutorial for every single new move you learn, but it won't be satisfied until you can demonstrate it five or six times! And it shows a little video of a non-threatening attractive young white person doing the motions in case you jammed a sensor bar up your nose and forgot what words mean. [137] Just Cause 2 [ edit ] How To Be a Video Games Journalist, Lesson 37: Using Game Titles for Puns and Cutting Swiftian Jibes. A game name like Just Cause is absolute gold for the reviewer since it can mean both "a just cause", a righteous agenda, or the phrase "just because", a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior. The opportunity for puns is obvious. Why would you steal a passenger jet and fly it directly up the bum hole of a sunbathing prostitute? Just cause! Praise and large quantities of gamer pussy will swiftly follow. However, this pun is so obvious that every game journalist and their cat and their cat's squeaky toy will have used it, so you may have to post-modernly draw attention to that fact at the start of your review so everyone assumes you're using the joke ironically. Remember, the ironic gamer pussy is just as soft and lovely as the regular kind. Next week on How To Be a Video Games Journalist: Digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ball-point pen. Just Cause 2 is a game for fucking around. You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up. So the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. [138] Silent Hill: Shattered Memories [ edit ] The unique feature of the game is that it psychologically profiles you as you play, altering itself to fuck with your head better, which I was dubious about. Who you are in a game is a very different person to who you are in real life, a sort of high-functioning autistic you probably wouldn't want to leave your children with. If I go into a ladies lavatory for example, in real life it would be to sniff the seats for some illicit sexual thrill, but in a game it's because I want to make sure someone didn't leave first-aid kits in the cistern. At the end of the game, you also get a little analysis of your personality that I'm not convinced is not just a random selection of newspaper horoscopes. After my first playthrough it declared I was, "Fastidiously clean and tidy," which is true, that when there are three garbage bags in the kitchen waiting to be taken down to the bins, I can't rest until they've been diligently ignored; "Family oriented," with explains why I live twelve thousand miles away from anyone remotely related to me and never write; and, "Possibly crap in bed." ...Moving on. [139] Splinter Cell: Conviction [ edit ] Speaking as a foreigner, who the fuck would want to take over the United States? It'd be like trying to keep a giant, diseased ape in your apartment that eats money and suffers from life threatening obesity and constant diarrhea but viciously savages you every time you try to give it free health care. Here is a brief list of things that these professional soldiers, guards and career mercenaries have never been trained not to do: stand facing each other and jabber about how much they hate democracy and apple pie and the smiles on little babies' faces instead of guarding the fucking room; give away their position every five paces by screaming out personal insults at the professional killer they can't see but know for a fact is in the room currently training his sights at their big flapping potty mouths; after catching a glimpse of said professional killer unload every clip they have in the spot where he used to be with their backs to about twelve different entry points; and walk around in circles repeatedly checking for the professional killer in the same square yard of floor space, loudly announcing their discoveries with each revolution. Of course none of this eclipses the stupidity of going up against Sam Fisher in the first place, when he's the one who got most of the solitary brain cell that everyone had to share. [140] Nier [ edit ] ...I must say, it's gratifying to see that the game is named after the sound I make when asked to describe it. "Neeeeyyaaar" is in actuality the name of the main character, the guy on the box who looks a bit like Emmett Brown wearing his underpants on his face. I only found this out later though because, before the game tells you his name, it asks you if you can come up with a better one. And thus began the adventures of "Twattycake," defender of the innocent. You know how in some RPGs you start off in your lovely idyllic green-grass home village where smiling neighbors bid you how-do-you-do and which is virtually guaranteed to get Hiroshima-fied before the second act? Well, Nier is like that but never quite gets as far as the second bit. Frankly I wish it would. Here we have a stalwart fighter who, in between fighting cosmic death beasts from beyond the veil of time and space, has to repeatedly run back home to water his melons, spend quality time with his child and see if anyone needs him to run down the shops to buy them a healing potion and a Mars Bar. It's one of those games that seeks to challenge the notion that gamers need to get a life by attempting to simulate one. [141] Dead to Rights: Retribution [ edit ] In case you never played the first game , here's a Dead to Rights Recap: BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! BANG! PUNCH! WOOF! It's the kind of over-the-top balls-to-the-teeth action that I honestly can't tell if it's being deliberately camp or if it was written by a paranoid NRA member shaking off a debilitating addiction to horse tranquilizers. You play the preposterously named Jack Slate, a cop so close to the edge he has to wear a safety harness who surgically implants rare steaks into his muscles and who missed a golden opportunity when he chose policing rather than opening a roofing business. Someone murdered his father, so he's out searching for answers, and he's letting his gun do the talking, and his gun only knows one very loud word! [142] Monster Hunter Tri [ edit ] Actually, speaking of the title, we should probably drop the word "Monster" as well since you usually just kill blameless wildlife that only attacks because you're invading its territory or you just pushed a sharpened stick down the ear of its favorite child. But I guess calling it "Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of..." Oh fuck it, let's just call it "YOU BASTARD!" [143] Alan Wake [ edit ] The environments do a good job of building atmosphere with eldritch light illuminating the mist that coils around the trees, flickering shadows making an innocent mulberry bush momentarily look like a round-shouldered murderer with an axe and a massive erection. It's just that the game is fully aware that it does dark spooky forests best but little else, so every half hour it has to contrive a new reason for Alan to be lost in a spooky forest at night. It's like a crime drama about a detective who can only concentrate when he's around pastry, so every week the crime has to conveniently take place in a bakery or within walking distance of a pie shop. But I suppose there are lots of horror stories that wouldn't exist at all if people never made bad decisions in them, and Alan Wake is certainly all about bad decisions; bad combat, bad narration, good atmosphere. Picture an elegantly decorated house through which soft classical music plays and occasionally an obese man in a Halloween mask charges through it swinging a football rattle and screaming at the top of his voice. He's weirdly fascinating for the first few laps, but then he pulls down your curtains and shits on a doily. [144] Red Dead Redemption [ edit ] You know Rockstar , you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. When I said that all the cars in GTA IV handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out The Lost and Damned which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats, and the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple-somersault head injury fairy. "Alright then," said Rockstar. "Here's The Ballad of Gay Tony , where every other mission is helicopter-based." But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side. "Alright then motherfucker!" said Rockstar. "Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorized vehicles at all! Are you happy now?!" To which I reply, "My horse appears to be lodged in a wall!" It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side. It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle -- or, more appropriately, drunk! And when your character is drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint, fired into their face with a shotgun. [145] Alpha Protocol [ edit ] ...What's important is that, however you play him, Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour. The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes - a professional by-the-book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blew off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its nether hole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a high-brow film critic archly dismissing the latest superhero blockbuster as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal. [146] Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands [ edit ] Overall, there's just something terribly cynical about Forgotten Sands that makes me uneasy. It's all so by-the-numbers - when the large bull-like enemy was introduced, I instantly paused the game and announced, "This enemy will charge at me but, if I dodge out of the way at the last second, it will run into a wall and stun itself." Then I unpaused the game and thus were proven my powers of clarivoyance. It seems like, if you've completed a trilogy and, lest we forget, rebooted the fucking thing, going back to mine the last game you were sure was good just isn't very classy, like stealing leftovers from the bins outside an upmarket restaurant and serving them to your dinner guests. Plus it was brought out to capitalize on a film , and films are a load of old cobblers. See, Roger Ebert , that's what it feels like! [147] E3 2010 [ edit ] Let me make my position clear - gaming should be about games, not about controllers. Controllers as they stand are a perfectly adequate conduit for connecting man to machine by way of thumbs. It doesn't matter if A Tale of Two Cities is printed on the side of a horse, or if every other word is in Greek, what matters is that Sydney Carton sacrifices himself for Charles Darnay at the end (spoiler alert). Delude yourself all you like with videos of happy families in pastel-coloured shirts spending quality time with bouncy-castle simulators, but in the long term people want to play games the same way they want to read books or watch TV: slouched on the settee with a big bag of Malteasers. How on earth do you think forcing them to do a sit-up every now and again is going to revolutionize entertainment? [148] No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle [ edit ] No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle has finally gotten past the border patrol of the PAL territories and having played through it I can confidently state that there is absolutely no worry of Suda 51 getting more mature. At some point between Nomeroes 1 and Nomeroes 2, someone introduced him to the concept of jiggle physics and thus has begun a friendship to last a lifetime. The fact that all the women in the game wear fetish outfits and are either in love with you or have to be bloodily murdered with your giant throbbing sci-fi memorabilia does feel a little bit backward. I wouldn't usually have a problem, but I thought I'd express disapproval so I don't get stabbed by Rebecca Mayes . [149] Super Mario Galaxy 2 [ edit ] Okay, so Bowser kidnapping the princess is sort of traditional, like hanging drawing and quartering. And when Mario Galaxy 1 did it, I figured, "Well, fair enough, they're introducing the concept to all the new audience of casual gamer shitheads that the Wii suckered in -- each of which I am prepared to personally seal away in some kind of medieval oubliette -- but whatever, we play the cards we're dealt." But Mario Galaxy 2 doesn't have that excuse. It seems reasonable to me that the chief audience for Galaxy 2 is people who played Galaxy 1, but the game seems to assume you didn't, or at least it sincerely hopes you didn't. Mario himself seems confused on the Wii menu: "Super Mario Galaxiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" he shrieks, omitting the incremental digit. I guess the fanbase will get the franchise it deserves, but is this really all you want? Yes, there are games I like, games I love, do I want to play a new installment of the same thing every few years? NO! The fastest way to spoil your pleasures is to make them routine. Variety is the spice of life and status quo is the starch. The star that shines brightest is all the more glorious for its brevity, or to bring this metaphor down to a broader cultural level, The Simpsons has been running for 21 seasons and hasn't been good since the fifth. I would rather see things evolve, and before any defenders of motion controllers get in touch, evolve in ways that aren't stupid! [150] Singularity [ edit ] Let's face it: Real history is boring. It's just a load of idiots eating too much of a cow and killing each other over which nostril Christ was breathing out of on the cross. So I can understand the appeal of alternate history fiction. Imagine if the Persians had won the Battle of Salamis , the present day would be almost completely the same! Or if King John had signed the Magna Carta while wearing bunny ears! The possibilities are endless! So why in the name of bollock burgers do we keep coming back to the same alternate history where the Cold War escalated!? ...Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire . If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, they do explain that -- someone left a note. Now I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around "Big Hank". Stripped of its rather pointless gimmick, Singularity is a game that can't decide if it wants to be Bioshock, Half life, or Timeshift, and is inferior to all three. Bioshock is probably the game it was sitting directly behind in the exam room; with audio logs and the RPG elements and E99 instead of ADAM as all-porpouse plot dietary fiber. It's even got those cute 50's public information cartoons that Bioshock ripped off from Fallout . It's like a magnificent human centipede stretching though gaming history. [151] Crackdown 2 [ edit ] I've got nothing against multiplayer as a concept, but you shouldn't try to make it carry a game because there are logistical problems. Me and my friends have enough trouble splitting the bill after pizza, and navigating labyrinths of lobbies and servers is rarely worth the effort when everyone would rather just stick Guitar Hero on. And joining random online gaming is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play Scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum! [152] DeathSpank & Limbo [ edit ] The final question I suppose is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronize the arts now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of Limbo. But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy-brand kind of entertainment, then order out for a barbecue Meat Lover's with a two-liter Coke and try DeathSpank. Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something bland and unchallenging , then why not try eating a dick. [153] Shadow of the Colossus [ edit ] Shadow of the Colossus is usually filed under "action-adventure" like everything else that's hard to classify, but really it defies genre. The gameplay is divided between adventuring alone through the silent wilderness and the sixteen tussles with monsters so large you could hollow out their carcasses and repurpose them as low-income housing. In the former, everything is peaceful and contemplative with no combat and no puzzling besides navigating the occasional mountain that sits obliviously between you and your destination like a fat guy at a cinema. And in the latter, everything is noisy and intense like you're playing Hungry Hungry Hippos backstage at a Dragonforce gig. It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. [154] Split/Second: Velocity [ edit ] Which brings me to Split Second: Velocity, or rather Split Stroke Second, 'cause that's how it's written . So what the fuck does that mean, Disney Interactive Studios, Split or Second? Do we have to pick one? Or does the game alternate being themed around standard units of time measurement and serving suggestions for bananas? Anyway, it's an extreme racing game... you do know the hyphen is the horizontal one right? Look down, it's right next to the zero. I know it's hard to focus when Mickey Mouse is badgering you for results, but honestly! [155] Transformers: War for Cybertron [ edit ] What I don't get is why people are so protective of Transformers when literally the only reason it existed was not to enrich or inspire you but to sell you gimmicky toys. Hey, fanboys! Transformers only loved you as long as you had limited control of your parents disposable income. It's like you were all hooked up to milking machines, but instead of complaining you all painted you milking machines different colors and put stickers on them and argued over whose milking machine was best! But I suppose these days the entire entertainment industry regards most individuals as nothing more than a bit consuming mouth wearing designer jeans full of money so, what the fuck? Transformers: War for Cybertron gather around and consume away, you big jeans wearing mouth cattle things. People will say I didn't like the game because I don't care about Transformers - well, the point is this was the game's chance to make me care about Transformers and it cocked it up! Tie-in games in the past have been good enough on their own merits to make me interested in the subject matter. All I'm seeing here is a bunch of tumble dryers bumping into each other under overblown disco lighting! [156] Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days [ edit ] ...Reflect on what huge masochists the developers of Kane and Lynch must be, famously having gotten Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot for not realizing that the Gamespot Super-Sellout Saver advertising package included a free happy ending on the review table. Solidarity therefore was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review Kane and Lynch 1, with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of "couldn't be arsed." But now Kane and Lynch 2 is out, I sincerely hope the publishers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time because, if they do, there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or to put that another way, Kane and Lynch 2 is worse than deep-fried tampons! [157] Mafia II [ edit ] Why does society insist on demonizing organized crime ? We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a nobbing but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me? I'm not sure why Mafia 2 and indeed Mafia 1 felt they needed to be open world because they're both heavily story-based linear sequences of missions, and largely the only activity available between missions is schlepping to the next one through the same dull scenery. People have suggested to me that this is to build an atmosphere of realism and highlight that life in organized crime was really just a sobering routine day job, to which I would say, "Piss off!" This is a game. Games are fun. I want to knob prostitutes while singing songs from Bugsy Malone, and say "Fugged abahd it" without irony! [158] Metroid: Other M [ edit ] Of the many expressionless drones robo-Samus excretes from her mouth pipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed. [in an expressionless drone:] "From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something." Oh, yes, and there's this murder mystery plot set up early on. Six different members of a military squad are introduced and established with names and slightly anemic personalities. But then it transpires that there's a traitor among them, picking them off. You even have a boss fight with him, his face cunningly concealed by camera angles and bits of scenery. So, do you want to know who the traitor turns out to be? ...So the fuck would I, because the game kind of forgets about this whole subplot and hopes you do, too. "Hey, wasn't there some intrigue from the first half of the game we were supposed to be resolving, Metroid Story Writer A?" "Doesn't ring a bell, Metroid Story Writer B. Now let's make Samus' suit fall off again so everyone can see her bum." On an educated guess though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache. [159] Amnesia: The Dark Descent [ edit ] You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First there's the kind where you're in dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going, "Abloogy woogy woo!" That would be your Doom 3 . Then there's the kind where the guy in a spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's gonna go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't wanna turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye! That would be your Silent Hill 2 . And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes, "Abloogy woogy woo," while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room, before walking slowly over to you, plucking a violin, and then slapping you in the face with a T-bone steak. That would be your Dead Space . It's quite a while before you even glimpse a monster, and let me just transcribe my thought process at the time: "Dum-de-dum, well, this isn't very scary. Oh, look! Physics. I can throw chairs around like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-a-rama. Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here, either; I'll just go back and... Whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? AAGGH, RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP, OH PISSING BLIMEY, THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!!" [160] Halo: Reach [ edit ] ...Everyone in this prequel seems to be fully aware of their ultimately doomed status, too. No one's particularly surprised when the Covenant do show up (with incidentally all human characters immediately being totally familiar with the operation of Covenant weapons and vehicles; you'd almost think they'd just built this game off the engine of a previous one or something), and the story is focused on a small commando unit whose members spend the entire game having a prolonged "Who can have the noblest death?" competition. Oh come on, this isn't a spoiler! They wouldn't characterize this many NPCs if they weren't going to pick them off like After Eight mints. The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain , what the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit hot? [161] Dead Rising 2 [ edit ] What I like about it is that it's a true watercooler game, and I'm not talking about all that Facebook game bollocks where you can boast to all your friends because you stuck a radish up an imaginary cow's arse. You get together with your other Dead Rising 2-playing mates and you can discuss for hours what combos you found, boss-fighting tactics, and where to find the chainsaws and mankinis. Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover similar tastes in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. [162] Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions [ edit ] Shattered Dimensions plays like marketing material for Marvel Comics' range of alternate Spider-Man continuities . You see, every now and again, some writer at Marvel's creativity-fueled dream factory gets bored of repeatedly typing the words, "Spider-Man punches the villain in the face," and transfers the characters to a different setting or time period, so they can instead type, "Spider-Man punches the villain in the face... in space!" [163] Castlevania: Lords of Shadow [ edit ] Normally I spend the first paragraph of these little tonsil exercise sessions leading into things with some rambling spiel of only borderline relevance , like maybe in this case wondering aloud if one could improve every Castlevania game by replacing Dracula with "The Count from Sesame Street" -- although probably not Symphony of The Night, because you'd have to rename Alucard to, "Teerts emases morf tnuoc eth [sic]." Stop me if you've heard this one before: beefy bloke with poor coping skills gets a big nark on after something kills his wife and takes it out on mythological creatures, with a weapon on the end of a chain that can do light attacks and heavy attacks. But before I can bring down my well-used 'Like God Of War But' stamp like the terrible hammer of judgment that it is, the game dodges my swing and goes "Wait! Here's something original! Every now and again you have to have thrilling boss fights with monsters so big you have to ledge-climb all over their bodies, pausing to hold on when they try to thrash you around like a little murderous nipple tassel, and chip away at their health by picking at glowing weak spots." "Say," I reply, "Another word for 'giant monster' is colossus , isn't it?" "I know what you're thinking," retorts Castlevania Lords of Shadow of the Colossus, "but we're not like that game at all! That game had sixteen colossi and we've got three! That's a completely different number!" ..."So where do you want this 'Like God of War But' stamp?" I ask after an embarrassed cough. "On my face, please." [164] Enslaved: Odyssey to the West [ edit ] If you said to me, "Sci-fi reimagining of another culture's mythology mostly concerned with robots," I would immediately think, Too Human! and punch you in the bollocks for reminding me of it . But wait! There's a new sheriff in sci-fi reimagined mythology town! Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, a post-apocalyptic action-adventure inspired by the classical Chinese epic called Journey To The West , in which the monkey king is replaced by a sweaty white guy with neck muscles like mating dolphins. Hopefully this will keep us going until someone makes Space-Pilot Jesus Christ vs. Mecha-Pontius, but don't delude yourselves - Enslaved isn't inspired by Journey To The West, is it? That is something I find considerably difficult to swallow, because the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. [165] Fallout: New Vegas [ edit ] And then I made it! I stepped out into the glittering lights of the city, the towering buildings noisy monoliths to the sheer potential of... why the fuck can't I move? The game froze up! I mean, my life froze up! I mean, all that radioactive toilet water must have given me some kind of paralysing... oh, bollocks to this. Roleplaying in Fallout 3 is difficult enough with the interface and the terrifying fixed eye-contact conversations without it bugging out as well. And it'll take more than having to stop for a sandwich and a piss every now and again to make Fallout 3 more immersive. Maybe if you ground it into powder and dissolved it in a swimming pool, but it would probably only turn the water brown. [166] Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II [ edit ] You've got to feel sorry for Star Wars fans in this day and age - when you're not mocking them or kicking them down flights of stairs, I mean. They haven't exactly rolled a double-six in the great game of life to begin with, and now the one thing that has made their existence marginally less wretched is crumbling before their very eyes like old pastry in a dishwasher. Between movies, games, books, and tea towels, the shit of Star Wars now vastly outweighs the good, which consists of the first two movies and arguably Knights of the Old Republic . Not that they'll ever admit that. It's quite entertaining to watch the level of denial die-hard Star Wars fans operate on as they try to convince you that the romance in Attack of the Clones was totally believable. To say Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had chemistry in that film is like saying that a chair stacked on another chair is a sizzlingly erotic love scene. So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify The Force Unleashed II, because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the Schindler's List Easy-Bake Oven. So: Here are all the ways you can kill people in this game, like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex. You can hit them with the lightsaber if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; you can throw your lightsaber at them; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force-push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, then throw whatever mess remains at their mates. And you can Jedi mind-trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is incidentally hilarious. And yet, none of the enemies seem the least bit afraid of you. It's like they all went to the wrong briefing by mistake and, somewhere in the universe, a platoon of terrified SWAT officers with riot shields and machine guns are facing off against a single confused ewok. [167] Call of Duty: Black Ops [ edit ] Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!" So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: Call of Duty Black Ops, another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, "PHWOARR, eh?" And there are many moments when I just want to yell, "Time out!" and demand someone explain what the fuck's going on before another thing explodes. Because the thing about all the Call of Duty games I've played lately is that they all seem to be hooked up to I.V. drips full of Pop Rocks. Black Ops just can't calm the fuck down. If five seconds ever pass without a gunshot or an explosion, then it's probably because you just passed out from an epileptic fit. The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you 'round the back of the head every five seconds: "GO THERE! KEEP RUNNING! TAKE COVER! NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT! THERE! SHOOT THAT GUY! NOT HIM; HE'S ON YOUR SIDE! CAN'T YOU TELL? HE'S WEARING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HAT! QUICK! PICK UP THAT GRENADE AND THROW IT BACK! I DON'T KNOW, OVER THERE SOMEWHERE! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner, that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!" You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode, and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. [168] iPhone Games [ edit ] Completing the iPhone game chart top 3 at time of writing is Fruit Ninja by Halfbrick Studios. This is about as simple as games get, there isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing. You're not exacting revenge on limbless pigs or feeding your pet bitch lizard : you're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and fuck fruit! Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. [169] Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood [ edit ] My understanding was that Asscreed as a series was about exploring various historical settings with future Desmond as a framing device. But as much as I like Ezio, my concern after two games is that we're getting bogged down with our spaghetti-scoffing friend. I hate to say it, but maybe it's time for the inevitable game entirely about future Desmond. He's still got the personality of a damp fish (which might explain what his fish-lipped girlfriend sees in him) but the other characters in the Scooby gang are actually quite appealing, especially the snarky sarcastic misanthropic British man. He really rubs me up the right way. Can't think why! [170] Splatterhouse [ edit ] Once you're mentally tuned into the Caligula mindset, the gore swiftly starts to feel repetitive and unsatisfying. One of the posters I saw for this game bore the tagline "He'll rip your head off." This is at least accurate, but it would be even more so if it were followed by the words "...and that's all he'll fucking do." In classic Wad of Gore fashion, you can grab weakened enemies to do finishing moves, and most of them just involve pulling off the closest thing it has to a head. How about a little creativity my man? That one fellow you killed by shoving your hand up his arse and pulling his rectum out was original, or at least it was before you did it fifty fucking times. That's it? Absolutely nothing between Rick and the mask gets resolved. So it might as well have just been playing classic FM into Rick's ear the whole time for all the point the foreshadowing had! It and a momentously disappointing boss fight reek of yet another game rushing things towards the end as the deadline loomed. Seems there's an obvious way to avoid this: Make the intro first, the ending second, then everything in between. That way, if anything feels rushed or cut down, it'll be one of the bits in the middle no one cares about, while the ending is what people will remember. [171] Epic Mickey [ edit ] You know, as a child, I used to have a phobia of theme park mascots. Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake (the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes). The point is, I hadn't gotten over this problem by the time I got taken to Disneyland, and the day became a tense and fearful avoidance game at the first sign of oversized cranium - culminating in paroxysms of torment when the parade rolled around. The grins! A sea of grins! Staring. Judging. Winnie the Pooh doing some foul, perverted windmill dance with his exposed forearms. No, Goofy, I don't want to taste Herman's special milk! There's this one vintage Mickey Mouse comic in which he breaks up with Minnie and spends the rest of the comic attempting suicide. I swear this is true , and it was way edgier than this! Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers was edgier than this! Fucking Kingdom Hearts was edgier than this, if only because of the usual JRPG pedophilia subtext. Two child abuse jokes and we've barely started; that never bodes well! [172] Top 5 of 2010 [ edit ] But to the yin must come the yang, to the cream must come the cheese, to the giddy high of new love must come irritable bowel syndrome. The worst game of the year, a game less substantial than a fart in an lift but no less unpleasant for those caught in its wafting cage, a game that killed its franchise so thoroughly that the only acceptable sequel would be a box containing nothing but an apology letter and some chocolates. I refer of course... to Halo: Reach. BURN! Had you going for a second there, didn't I - actually it's Fable 3 . BURNED again! No, seriously now - a game I found literally as headache-inducingly unpleasant as impacted wisdom teeth surgery in the middle of a rave. Step forward, Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days. Step onto your first place podium, and then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. [173] World of Warcraft: Cataclysm [ edit ] I asked someone who raids "Why do you raid?" "To get the best items," they said. "What do you use the best items for?" I asked, to which they could only answer "To raid with!" But it's not about items, is it? You don't honestly care if your new crystal nethersword is going to clash with your elite boss-clogs, it's about the numbers! You want the items with the best numbers so you can use your numbers to decrease the enemy numbers until your numbers are the best in the land, and all the other guilds flock to regard your numbers with jealous awe! And before you argue that lots of games are about numbers when you get down to it, no one ever ruined their lives to get 100 percent items in Super Metroid! [174] Fable 3 [ edit ] I think I've realized what I don't like about Fable: it's essentially fascist. Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing out-of-touch mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog! And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it Dirty Dancing. [175] Minecraft [ edit ] This is one game where there's officially no shame in looking up the FAQ. A tutorial wouldn't go amiss. "See those trees?" it would begin by saying. "Chop them down with the flat of your hand. Now make a workbench. Now make a pickaxe. Mine some stone and make a better pickaxe. Now find some coal. If Lady Luck consents to smile, you'll find some in a wall somewhere - no, I don't know how you were supposed to figure all this out. And while your workbench is open make a shovel, because the sun's going down and now you're going to dig a big hole and cry in it until the exploding bush monsters go away." It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge. [176] A Shadow's Tale [ edit ] One late game mechanic is magic archways that let you temporarily turn back into a physical object, but I'd noticed several of those archways on various levels before you acquire this power. Oh, you're going to make me backtrack aren't you, you little bastard? Sure enough, after however many samey boring levels it took to get to the top of the tower, I then had to go back through some samey boring tedious levels to gather some items to open up another set of samey boring tedious interminable levels, which I thought would be the end but then some more samey boring tedious interminable prosaic levels started up, and even reading this sentence is becoming samey, boring, tedious, interminable, prosaic and when does this fucking game end?! There are many ways to analyze a game, but uttering that sentence aloud never shines a positive light. [177] Dead Space 2 [ edit ] Now if I were a paranoid man (which I'm not, whatever people have been saying about me), I'd say Dead Space has started deliberately trying to provoke me. The very first thing that happens in Dead Space 2 is a bloke turning into a Necromorph, fully illuminated and literally six inches away from your face, then it grabs you by the lapels and screams at you while his eyes pop out. This is the horror equivalent of a small child banging its head on a wall so you pay it attention. "HEY LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU SCARED YET?! WHAT IF ALL THE SKIN ROLLED OFF MY FACE, ARE YOU SCARED NOW?! AAAAAAHHH!! DOING THIS REALLY HURTS ACTUALLY!! AAAAAAHHH!! I CURRENTLY REPRESENT A THREAT IN AN EXTREMELY UNSPECIFIC WAY!! AAAAAAHHH!!" [178] DC Universe Online [ edit ] Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives , whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time (no they don't say how, put your arm down!) and brings a warning to two rodeo clowns and a prostitute . Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave. [179] Mindjack [ edit ] Cover-based shooting is a little dry and overdone, even if it's perfectly executed, and the only way to perfectly execute Mindjack would be with a lethal injection. Once you've persuaded little Jimmy Meathead to take cover rather than perform roly-polys in front of the chosen wall, he has a terrible habit of firing into it, and at one point I couldn't see where I was shooting because the ammo counter on the side of the gun was in the way. Can't see the killing for my gun; how philosophical. [180] Two Worlds II [ edit ] As is fairly typical of western RPGs , once you actually start playing, the establishing plot gets swiftly dog-piled under a labyrinth of side quests and intermediary objectives. And within a matter of hours I paused to reflect while escorting an old man into the sewer to make a trade with some underground organization on behalf of a crime lord so he'll eventually tell me about some tower that the orcs seemed really keen for me to visit, and realized that I'd completely forgotten how any of it related to the overarching possessed-princess/dark-lord motivation that I still don't get what was going on there! This is always the part of western RPGs I have difficulty with because I always lose the sense of flow. After a few quests and a particularly financially ruinous trip to the armor shop, I find myself floating around a peasant village dressed like a dandy cutlery drawer with no smegma-chugging idea of what to do next! [181] Bulletstorm [ edit ] Thank Christ for companies like Epic , for games like Gears of War , that popularized fat space marines trundling between chest-high walls like they're in wheelchairs. But in 2004, a company called People Can Fly shirked modern trends to create Painkiller , a fast, frantic and shamingly fun evocation of the bygone age and one of my favorite shooters of all time . "Wow!" said Epic. "You really showed us how it's done, People Can Fly. Why don't you step over here for a second? Come on, don't be shy, we're not going to hurt you... NOW! DROP THE NET! HIT THEM WITH STICKS! Phew, nipped that one in the bud!" So now that People Can Fly have been roundly whipped into line , they and Epic Games can bring you Bulletstorm, a game about fat space marines. [182] Killzone 3 [ edit ] Pardon me for being detestably predicable, but I'm now going to complain about how all the bad guys in Killzone are British. Because someone should get pissed off about this, and it might as well be me. I stood up for the Russians when I reviewed all those cold war fantasist wank games , and I don't even know any Russians! I'm fine with that thing where the big villain is a posh British guy, because let's face it, cooing at rainbows sounds evil when you do it in a posh British accent. It's only when you make all the evil soldiers cockneys that you enter the prejudice parade. Cockney doesn't sound evil! It sounds honest and cheeky-chips loveable! You couldn't picture Dick Van Dyke hiding in the bushes in a park, popping children's balloons with a blowpipe! You might say I'm making too much of a fuss, but someone on the dev team at some point said to themselves, "We have a race whose every individual member is so morally bankrupt that players will feel perfectly justified in splattering them painfully against the scenery. Now how do we bring that across in a sort of vocal short hand"? And the most bitter pill to swallow is that they look like Nazis. We helped defeat the Nazis! Maybe we won't next time, America. Maybe after China buys you and puts you all to work in the sweat shops and you crawl to Europe for help, we'll go; "Hmm, well, we would but apparently we're evil, so, hands tied." Anyway, let it never be said that I'm some ignorant Loom -smashing Luddite, because I started playing Killzone 3 not only with the PlayStation Move controls but also with the 3D option on my new massive 3D TV that I bought with all my ad revenue money (much obliged, Internet!) The motion controls didn't last ten minutes. After calibrating (Calibrating, fuck! Starting a game these days is like starting up a fucking cruise liner), the aim was wavery and difficult, I didn't know where they'd moved all the buttons to, and my big red glowing controller was reflecting in the screen and giving people hilarious clown noses! So, after getting sniped silly for a while, that went out the window and I took up a nice sensible SIXAXIS which didn't stop the game from throwing in motion-controlled turny switches whenever it could get away with it. The 3D held out a bit longer - yeah, things in the foreground were getting all prominent and shit but everything from the middle distance on looked like a big flat matte backdrop like the game was taking place in a puppet theater. After a while I turned it off and suddenly I was astounded by the detail in a nearby wood texture now that I wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. Things ten feet away stopped popping in all the time and my dog came back to life! So fuck modern technology right in its cutting edge! Ow! [183] Kirby's Epic Yarn [ edit ] Obviously the game starts about as challenging as a polystyrene prison, but over time it remembers its heritage and gains a few teeth. A Meta Knight boss fight in particular - and I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby. [184] Dragon Age II [ edit ] Before a subtitle can be thought up we need to determine exactly what Dragon Age II is about. Much like the first one , it's all about the representative messages, and can't go five minutes without someone being really heavy-handedly racist against mages, elves, dwarves, goldfish et cetera, which is why I find it somewhat ironic that you're only allowed to play as a human this time around. When the first game let you pick from an entire Burger King Kids' Club of races and backstories, here you're always a human with the surname "Hawke," so to compensate for the lack of choice other characters can actually address you by name. Whoop di fuckin' do . And I'd just like to point out that this is quite a long game, so being a male character with the first name Ethan is going to stop being funny very fast. [185] Pokemon White [ edit ] In an alternative world in which the school system is regarded with universal contempt, children are encouraged to roam the wildnerness siccing wild animals on every motherfucker who crosses their field of vision. You know in the intro to Syndicate Wars where the lad who lives in the dystopian nightmare city has this chip in his head that makes him think he's living in picturesque small town America? I like to think the protagonists of Pokemon all have the same chips and in reality are exploring various murky basements with a sack full of rats and mangy attack dogs. [186] Yakuza 4 [ edit ] The amount of modern Japanese culture that gets worked in makes me wonder if it's not actually aimed at foreign tourists. The equivalent would be a British game in which you play a Bobby in ol' London town, healing up by eating fish 'n' chips and using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles. [187] Crysis 2 [ edit ] An aspect of the plot I actually liked is that Alcatraz is basically a collection of broken bones and ruptured organs held together with spit, and the suit is acting as some combination iron lung and wheelchair and is the only reason he's still upright, and nowhere is this more apparent than when you've run out of suit power in the middle of a pitched battle, and are trying to waddle behind a bit of wall like you've just caced your pants. It's refreshing to see an unstoppable action protagonist who also comes across as vulnerable and tragic. Nathan Drake could perch his rectum on the top of a flagpole and wisecrack all the way down to the floor, and he still wouldn't be an ounce as sympathetic as a silent protagonist who has essentially been reduced to a load of beef stew in an thermos flask. [188] Nintendo 3DS [ edit ] So with motion controls on the way out - my theory is that if I keep saying that it will become more and more true - Nintendo needed to get started on next week's wage packet. The interesting thing about Nintendo is that they're kind of like Nicolas Cage in that they don't do middle ground, they're either doing really well or shitting a hole straight through the bed. When they get bored of making solid Mario platformers and attracting a strong user base, they create consoles that make your eyes explode and license Team Ninja to make Metroid games . 3D may be an utterly pointless gimmick that adds about as much to games as putting glittery rainbow stickers on the cover , but will the 3DS be what changes all that? Well, sort of, in that now the glittery rainbow sticker is in a small wooden box and you have to look at it through a hole. [189] Portal 2 [ edit ] Portal is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in. It's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people. In the time since then and the release of Portal 2, you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for Portal 1: it's got the worst fucking fans in the world. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinion with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word "cake," and the good thing in question can never be the same again. This is technically known as the "Knights Who Say Ni" Effect. Fortunately, I eventually found where all the actual puzzles were hiding; they're in the co-op campaign which I played through with one of my fat friends. With the addition of two extra portals to play around with, the puzzles are bigger and better and satisfying to solve through teamwork. If you need to swiftly make friends with someone, like a future father-in law or armed burglar, then you couldn't find a better ice breaker. I just don't think it has any replay value whatsoever. If you played it again with another fat friend, you'd just get sick of lugging the ball and chain around and they'd resent you for not letting them figure shit out on their own. So, make doubly sure that your armed burglar isn't an avid PC gamer. [190] Castlevania: Symphony of the Night [ edit ] Visually, Symphony of the Night is dense as all shit , but then it was on the PS1 . With the advent of CDs for console gaming, games suddenly had lots of disc space to spread their elbows out, and a lot of developers used that to have FMVs up the butt or make games in that hideous first-generation 3D that looked like origami modeling with used toilet paper. But Symphony of the Night stuck to 2D and completely tarted itself up, and it's still niceer to look at than the many incarnations of Captain Greybrown Loadsofbloom . [191] Mortal Kombat [ edit ] I am frankly flabbergasted that a game like Mortal Kombat can seriously be considered relevant in this day and age, at a time when fighting games are thought to have humiliated themselves if they don't show up with their roster filling at least two school buses, Mortal Kombat should by rights have been kneecapped for showing up with only seven playable fighters, two of which being the same guy wearing different coloured jumpers. And while fully-rendered graphics might be a little overkill for a 2D fighter, using photo cutouts of people in costumes has got to be the most ghetto-fucking solution short of cutting out pencil doodles on the sides of milk cartons. And what I understand least of all is why everyone is saying this game is a new release when Wikipedia quite clearly states that it came out in August 1992...oh, do you know what I've done? I've got Mortal Kombat, the 2011 release, confused with Mortal Kombat, the game from 20 years ago with the same exact name ! Do you see how confusing this gets?! [192] Brink [ edit ] Incidentally I'd like to invite fans of Brink to take a shot every time I mention Team Fortress 2 - hopefully by the end of this video you won't feel so poorly disposed towards me. You know how Team Fortress 2 (take a shot) introduced optional hats and unlockables that did nothing but mess with perfectly good visual design like a bunch of jelly beans sprinkled on a wedding cake? Well, Bethesda saw this and cried, "Valve will never outdo us when it comes to making bad decisions! Fully customizable outfits for everyone! You won't even be able to fucking see the wedding cake behind the jelly beans!" You want to know the ironic thing, though? Even with this feature, every character looks exactly the bloody same. That's failing to a new level. That's like standing on a rake and the end of the rake has a grenade taped to it. [193] L.A. Noire [ edit ] Mind you, it's not exactly a brain-melter to deduce whether someone's lying or not. This is the inherent problem when you tell your mo-cap actor, "Look like you're lying , and I know you're acting and therefore lying all the time, so this time exaggerate it," so of course they're going to spin their eyes like fruit machines and shift around like someone's trying to work an ant farm up their bum. The much-touted realistic facial animation is indeed very impressive and you can often clearly recognize the real-world actor who did the mo-cap, such as TV's Greg Grunberg ! But while the faces are very realistic and well-animated, somewhat less attention has been afforded to the bodies, with the usual game problem of weird-looking joints and cardboard clothes. So a rather eerie effect is created, and some characters look like Gerry Anderson finally snapped and started taping the decapitated heads of jobbing TV actors to his Captain Scarlet puppets. [194] The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings [ edit ] Amongst the 700 subcategories of inventory items you can gather like a bum with a shopping trolley are mutagens and weapon upgrades. But if you ask how you're supposed to equip them then you're committing a social faux pas again. Why do I even have an inventory screen if double-clicking on every single item makes the game slap you across the wrist and say "No, we do that from a different screen! No we won't tell you which one! And put on a fucking tie! Where were you raised, Azeroth ?!" [195] Hunted: The Demon's Forge [ edit ] The first boss fight is the most disheartening moment. Through a lengthy network of caves and dungeons (some sections of which were so fucking murky I literally ended up resorting to casting fireball everywhere just so I could see where the fuck I was going), I was buoyed by the ongoing promise of a boss fight with a giant spider that kept appearing over the horizon like the bedroom eyes of a courtesan peering coquettishly over her fan. Although it very clearly only had four legs, so I don't know why everyone kept calling it a spider. For tedious multitudes of chambers the game went "Ooh, it could be in the very next room! I guess you'll only find out if you keep going, won't you?" And then finally the giant spider found a window in its meeting schedule and chased me through a big cave for a bit before I lobbed two bombs at it and dropped a rock on its head. "Exciting!" said I, "Can I fight it now? What do you mean it's dead? What, we're just gonna move on?" I felt like I'd queued for hours to get on a roller coaster that went down one dip and then dropped you off at the gift shop. [196] Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) [ edit ] The interesting thing about Forever is that you can practically cut it in half and see the entire fourteen years of shooter evolution it's tried to keep up with, like the rings in a tree stump. It starts off campy and colorful in a SiN / Blood II: The Chosen kind of way, then it moves into the dark, sweaty unpleasant Doom 3 / Prey / Quake IV period when you go into the alien hive (and incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of The Human Centipede into the middle of Mallrats ). And by the last mission Duke has finally embraced the FPSs of today , meaning you run around a grey/brown industrial area for a while and then get a shit ending. [197] Infamous 2 [ edit ] Ya' know, it's easy to let obnoxious socialites like Duke Nukem: Forever prance about grabbing headlines, but do we stop to appreciate all the non-squeaky wheels who just work efficiently, without needing development cycles longer than the average natural lifespan of a Saint Bernard ? Everyone longs to catch the eye of that ditzy straight line block in Tetris, but no one stops to thank the workaday T-shaped block for it's diligent and efficient service. I know inFAMOUS is kind of stuck with the whole moral choice thing since the game's pretty much named after it, but no fairy godmothers have showed up since the first game to wave her wand and have it start making sense. Look, if you have two equally viable, equally difficult solutions to a problem - say, humanely suffocating your costly vegetative wife with a pillow or digging through to her femoral arteries with a cheese grater - than the evil option (which if you're having trouble keeping up is the second one) is just irrational! And you can't relate to a character whose actions don't make any fucking sense! Surely the evil option is supposed to be the more convenient but riskier one that would appeal to someone weak-willed. You could spend a lot of time and effort sprucing yourself up and trolling the bars to find someone to romance and settle down with, or you can just fuck a cow and risk angry farmers with paparazzi connections. That's a moral choice. [198] Alice: Madness Returns [ edit ] When video games have forged the new utopian society Bill and Ted-style, eventually there's going to be a war over whether to sanctify or demonize the bloke who figured out you could make cinematics by zooming in really close on the concept art... Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there! Who remembers American McGee? He was a bloke who worked on Doom and got a free ride, just like everyone else who worked on Doom. I think the bloke who made the tea for the Doom team got to make his own game. His name was John Romero-- No! Even the trademark creepy imagery seems a bit phoned in and a bit over-reliant on creepy dolls. Yes, a porcelain doll's head with no hair or eyeballs is a creepy thing, but after the five hundred millionth one they kind of get devalued in the global creep economy, falling below sweaty Uncle Dan and the feeling of another person's bum warmth on your toilet seat. [199] Shadows of the Damned [ edit ] ...For a game that seems to have set out with the plan to bring three big names together and wait for the explosion, none of the three amigos brought their A-game. Akira Yamaoka randomly smashing at his banjo strings suited the disquieting surreality of Silent Hill , but not so much a quirky action/horror game that seems to be mouthing along to a squealing heavy metal soundtrack that it doesn't have. On the gameplay side, where was the Shinji Mikami who once made a game where dozing off for one second led to you getting your head chainsawed off by a mad Spaniard? And while enough of the disposable income of the alternative crowd glimmered invitingly in the eyes of publishers for the game to be marketed with the tagline, "A Suda51 Trip," for all Shadows of the Damned's demon skull nobstitutions, this is probably the most grounded Suda51's ever been. Killer7 was a trip; this is more like a bank holiday day out to go watch someone throw horse giblets at a lingerie shop. [200] FEAR 3 [ edit ] You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your clever douchebag sequel name , it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud, as in Sesevenen and indeed Fthreear. Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell Thief 4's logo is playing at . When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an "E" with a "4?" If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times then our daughters will all be shagging Communists by this time next year. [201] The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D [ edit ] I remember Twilight Princess being too easy because it was compensating for the Wiimote being as friendly as an attack dog that's been trained to administer Chinese burns. Then again, I've been trained by all the more recent Zelda games that have really just been building on Ocarina of Time, so playing Ocarina of Time now is like a surgeon re-training as a fishmonger. I know that you should look to the side missions to replace that rat scrotum you call a coin purse, but 1998 audiences didn't. Is it fair to say that later Zelda games had better gameplay and characters with actual arcs and more personality than a lungfish in a moist bath towel, when Ocarina of Time was the template from which all those games arose? Probably not. But if you ask me, Nintendo has shot themselves in the foot. What with N64 technology being emulatable only on dried leaves and bits of old twig , Nintendo were this close to having an entire generation who might never even have known Ocarina of Time existed, and Skyward Sword might have blown their minds. [202] Call of Juarez: The Cartel [ edit ] But the AI don't go after collectibles; they usually just stand there staring at you with gormless uncomprehending eyes. They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section, if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The AI will pile into the back seat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth. And as I said, they can't aim for shit. But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes, "You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know." THERE IS NO MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH! [203] Bastion and From Dust [ edit ] So enough with these iron-sight examination simulators, I'm going where the worlds are bleak and the heads are large for my third XBLA double bill! And with characteristic convenience, the XBLA has recently chundered up two games that both approach the theme of world-building from vastly different directions. Perhaps this speaks to some larger trend within society today, or a prevailing desire on the part of indie designers to recreate the entire world into one where you can charge more than fifteen bucks for your game design degree course work. [204] Catherine [ edit ] Video games seem to be a little bit frightened of relationships, in a curious reflection of their predominantly male and sweaty customer base. Oh, there are plenty of games that depict the commencement of a relationship, generally as a consequence of Party A rescuing Party B from a giant fire-breathing lizard thing or an evil general or their own virginity depending on the genre. Very few games are about a relationship that's already going on except when one half of it exists solely to get murdered at one point so that the other half can seek revenge without someone constantly asking them how they think jumping over turtles, shooting mercenaries, or fucking each other all day in the butt is going to bring in enough money to raise a family. Well, now the balance is being restored by Catherine, a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese? ...It'd be fair to call Catherine a story-driven game. And I guess the biggest problem I have with the story is that Vincent is such a fucking tool! Catherine (that's psycho Catherine, not frumpy Katherine) basically bullies him into getting seduced by her; yeah, maybe her running around in a net curtain might have helped, but still. And if the dude could take five seconds to just explain things rather than stammer out more lies while sweating like James Murdoch at a government hearing, then he could probably sort everything out! But no, he just accepts guilt and whines about it incessantly to his mates, every single one of whom would be well within their rights to powerbomb his face into the nearest bollard. I think this is an anime thing, where they like their protagonists angsty and ineffectual and given to wanking off over unconscious women. I watched an anime once; dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst! I wouldn't mind, but he missed! [205] Red Faction Armageddon [ edit ] The title was the first telltale heart murmur. "Armageddon" is one of those words from the subtitle bucket, like "Chronicles" or "Resurrection," a word you stick on the end of your sequel name to communicate the fact that you have less creativity than a pencil sharpener. Red Faction Armageddon is the final game of a trilogy that started with Red Faction Guerrilla (don't worry, you didn't just turn over two pages at once). You play Darius Mason, the grandson of Alec Mason from Guerrilla, who is engaged in conflict with an evil cult leader who was apparently defeated once before by Darius' dad. And everything indicates to me that Darius' dad's actions were the events of a second intervening game that wasn't actually made. In which case, what frightens me is that someone at THQ looked at Darius and Darius' dad and decided that Darius was the more interesting one! Mason Sr. must have been a geography teacher who defeated the cultists by diligently doing his taxes at them! [206] Deus Ex [ edit ] The year is 2000 the shooter was riding PC gaming like a trusted pony (a pony that you occasionally had to slap or replace with a completely different better pony, but trusted nonetheless). With Half Life ,Thief and System Shock 2 first person games have been steadily raising the bar, then a company called Ion Storm made Daikatana and made the bar tunnel right into the ground beyond the wit of spelunker. But then at the same time Ion Storm brought out Deus Ex which is widely considered the greatest PC game of all time. That may sound like incongruous behavior for a developer but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledging Ion Storm was split into it's good half and it's evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas that made Daikatana and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables. And the good half was Ion Storm Austin which made Deus Ex and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of all the good little boys and girls. Having deliberately avoided any exposure to Human Revolution up to the time of writing, I sincerely hope to be dining on these words with tartar sauce by the time this video goes out, but I don't see how these days you can have a game with anything near as much depth and complexity as Deus Ex 1! And before all you people who liked The Witcher 2 start pounding your keyboards so hard that it starts snowing Cheeto dust, I meant the kind of complexity that I like! A plot where people can reference philosophy and G.K. Chesterton in really, really bad accents! And that has intuitive inventory sorting, and a health system where you can get all your arms and legs blown off and have to slither over to a health station using only your lips! [207] Deus Ex: Human Revolution [ edit ] I don't know how many more times I have to say this, but I guess at least once: a boss fight is not just a random enemy who's eaten three times as many protein bars as everybody else! A boss fight is supposed to be a final exam for everything we've learned up to that point! Ideally, Human Revolution would have given the option of gunning the boss down, also maybe hacking some turrets to fight for you, or sneaking away up into the rafters to drop pianos on their head - but no, all you can do is shoot them. And considering I was going for the non-lethal pussy run, my tranq rifle and stun gun were a fat lot of good against a bloke who appeared to be occupying the same space as a combine harvester armed with a gun that shoots exploding furniture that kills you in two hits, so I basically had to quicksave every time I successfully made it to the other side of the room before my internal organs did! [208] Driver: San Francisco [ edit ] Switching instantly to any car anywhere is the main gameplay gimmick that's woven nicely into the storyline. John Tanner, cut as he is from the generic white bread wise-cracky douche hero template, starts getting pretty likable when he has the Groundhog Day revelation that he can now live life without consequence, immediately possessing a driving student and speeding through the oncoming lane just to make the dick instructor mess his corduroys. Serve and Protect, ladies and gentlemen! [209] Dead Island [ edit ] One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It'll be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an avalanche of zombie games, movies, and reinterpretations of classic literature. I'll call it, "ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING ZOMBIES ALREADY!" Honestly, at this point, you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam , you'll have to make papier-mache zombie facsimiles just to get through the day! Except, let's face it, however you might imagine zombie apocalypses giving you a new lease on life, we all know most of you would start talking suicide pacts if the Internet went down for more than a week. [210] Resistance 3 [ edit ] So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics and regenerating health. Wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, Resistance 3 does not have regenerating health! Holy bum-nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at once... I can carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a freeze ray and a lightning rod and a thing I like to call "The Jimi Hendrix Experience" because it makes people puke themselves to death. They're quite fun to use, and there are no cover mechanics because the game assumes you can strategically use a wall without having to rub yourself on it and give it kisses. Erm... Sony , are you all right? I'm not complaining or anything but I'm kind of feeling how the Greeks might have felt if the Trojans had just surrendered before the wooden horse was finished. [211] Gears of War 3 [ edit ] Now, before any of you Gears of War fans rush off to humiliate yourselves in the comments section by posting something along the lines of, "What did you expect, Gears of War is about chainsaw bayonet vasectomies, plot and character is for girls and people with sensibly proportioned necks," I'd like to preemptively tell you to fuck off, and here's why. If I had said that Gears of War 3's plot was a spellbinding emotional roller coaster from start to finish, none of you motherfucking fanboys would be saying the plot doesn't matter. You'd trumpet that from the fucking rooftops until someone asked you to leave. [212] Hard Reset [ edit ] It's true the game does the Painkiller thing, making multitudes of monsters to mob you mercilessly, but as with the environments they forgot the whole variety thing, and you only ever seem to fight two kinds of aggressive Roomba and a few palette-swapped wheelie bins. There's really no way of saying this without giving ammunition to conservative anti-game campaigners, but there isn't as much fun to be had in shooting robots as there is in shooting organic lifeforms. When I fire a rocket into a cluster of charging monsters, I like to know that the cleanup will have to be done with a mop rather than a broom! It's hard to explain, but surely we can all agree that the lawnmower scene from Braindead just wouldn't have been as memorable if it had been taking place in the audio/visual department of Harvey Norman's . [213] Rage [ edit ] Call me a cynic (please, it's my only sense of identity), but when some resistance movement shows up demanding I dress up in a sheep costume and jump through some hoops making suggestive baa-ing noises before they'll let me fight the evil government who I have yet to actually fucking see, there's only one organization I feel I'm being oppressed by here! Especially when they all seem content to sit around in the base eating pancakes while I'm sent off alone to slaughter saucepan-wearing bandits du jour. [214] Kinect [ edit ] First of all, I tried out Child of Eden , the polygon murder spree from the creators of polygon-murder-spree Rez , essentially a rail shooter about the internet being under attack by an amassed army of forgotten screen savers. Certainly a spectacular display, but even a cosmic dance with a hundred large-breasted space fish loses something when you have to replay it for the third time because you weren't clear on what you were supposed to be doing. Yeah, I know, game, "Use my left hand to shoot down the purple projectiles before they hit me." Now in what specific way did you envision me using my left hand, 'cause that could mean anything from waving it to sticking a bowling pin up a gorilla's ass. Eventually I figured out that "use" meant, "Do the same thing you do with the right hand to use your normal weapon, but keep your right hand pinned to your side because I might think you're trying to strangle me and go in to a panic." And even then, the usual delay motion sensors have before registering your action led to several frustrating game-overs. And every now and again, the game would pause itself right as it was getting excited, because it assumes that any ambiguity of motion on your part means that you have suddenly been abducted by space monsters. But doing panicky improvised t'ai chi to amuse graph paper is not gaming. It's more like therapy for geometry-phobics. [215] Male voice Only on Kinect for Xbox 360 2010-2013. Batman: Arkham City [ edit ] Arkham City isn't getting out of here without a recommendation, but it's worth remembering that when you go straight sandbox you lose control of a certain amount of structure. A word of warning: if you're like me - handsome, talented and secretly longing for death - you'll want to finish the main story first and do the side missions in post-ending fuckabouts, because you need all the gadgets to find all the secrets. And then like me, you'll end up flapping back and forth like a confused magpie at the aluminum foil tennis championships trying to trigger the side missions that your quest log says you haven't found yet. And like me, you'll eventually look it up and discover that some but not all of the side missions get locked off if you don't finish them by the story end. And then like me, you'll probably make a noise that's somewhere between a sigh and a gnash, and then like me you'll say "How does that make any donkey-boffing sense?!" And like me you'll maybe jump up and down a few times, and like me you should probably stop padding this video out. [216] Battlefield 3 [ edit ] Battlefield 3 was built on the Frostbite 2 engine - I know this for a fact because it can't go five minutes without banging on about it. This is a game that isn't trying to sell an engaging experience or even the military lifestyle, it's trying to sell destruction physics and the lighting engine. This becomes clear around the second time a building collapses with the camera angled in such a way as if to say "You may now appreciate this. A minimum level of appreciation is required to continue." [217] Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception [ edit ] The game opens in London, with Drake walking off cobbled streets into an English pub with a motherfucking red phone box out the front where every single member of the clientèle looks like Grant Mitchell from EastEnders . Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. In one of the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the developers flat-out admit that they think up the spectacular set pieces first and then come up with the plot around them. And by Christ does it show, because these games are getting as formulaic as a Scooby-Doo episode. Who wants to bet the lost treasure at the end will turn out to have been deliberately lost because there's some negative effect surrounding it that the bad guys want to weaponize? And that Drake will pull off the main villain's face and it'll turn out to be old man Withers! [218] Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 [ edit ] The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?! Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President - you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children. [219] The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim [ edit ] Nitpicking is unhelpful, however, and I'm in the kind of mood that I'm prepared to overlook a lot of flaws in Skyrim, which is good, because there are a lot of flaws in Skyrim. But I'll applaud it if it means we can have less games that treat me like a child stuck in a pipe, Games Industry. I will applaud it as hard as you like. I will slap at my palms until my future children suffer masturbation guilt. No I don't know what I'm on about; go away. [220] Saints Row: The Third [ edit ] Now, the first Saints Row game was comparatively straight. It wasn't exactly Homicide: Life on the Street, but you weren't going to climb aboard any rocket-powered jet-bikes either. Saints Row 2 leaned wackier, with a slightly unhealthy fascination with spraying poo at things other people would rather you didn't spray poo at, but was still somewhat grounded in reality at least. Saints Row: The Third drinks wackazade from a clown shoe. This is a trilogy progression we academics call, " Evil Dead Syndrome ," and I'm not sure I like it. The funny parts of Saints Row 2 shone all the brighter alongside its more po-faced aspects - it's when you're wearing full lucha libre gear, thwacking at zombies with a big floppy dildo as part of the everyday routine that it starts to feel less special. [221] Assassin's Creed: Revelations [ edit ] The cynic is an isolationist beast but can always recognize one of their own , and the Assassin's Creed series is getting very cynical. I like the games but I feel my like is being exploited for coin, and at the risk of devaluing one of my favorite words, it's now faffing about like it's never faffed before and the faffing is getting out of hand. All of this bullshit - the Championship Manager human resources management games, the Templants vs. Zomsassins - all of this is just more and more layers of flaky pastry between me and the succulent meat of the Assassin's Creed Cornish pasty: one bloke in a bedsheet hopping about on the rooftops, carefully planning a stealthy guerrilla assault, to surgically strike like a thumbtack in a McChicken sandwich! [222] The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword [ edit ] Speaking of Wind Waker , spiritually Skyward Sword feels quite reminiscent of it, except you're exploring an ocean of clouds rather than the more traditional ocean of water. But if the surface world is supposed to be so completely covered in clouds that you and your ivory tower friends aren't even sure it exists, then why when you're exploring the surface world is it always a bright sunny day? I found a plot hole! Nurse! So obviously Zelda ends up in an embuggerance, and Link has to pick up a magic sword and sort her out. This time the magic sword comes free with a standard-issue support character, who deserves special mention because, besides a twitchy enraged badger that points out important quest items by breaking wind at them, I cannot imagine a worse assistant. Her big thing is spurious rigour; she can't just say, "Go in the room and stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot," it's always, "There is a 70 percent chance that you must stab the big lad in the obvious glowing weak spot." She sounds like a fucking laundry detergent commercial! First you "prove your worth" for the Master Sword, then you "prove your worth" for the three Sacred Flames, and then "prove your worth" a few more times for the Song of the Hero. If I were Link, I'd throw the sword down and yell: "Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?! I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes." [223] Serious Sam 3: BFE [ edit ] For the uninitiated, Sam Stone is a nineties action-hero graduate from the Duke Nukem correspondence course with some kind of unclear role in the military, and who started showing up to work one day in a customized t-shirt and jeans. And no one wanted to complain in case he blew cigar smoke in their face, or shagged their mums. [224] Top 5 of 2011 [ edit ] Interestingly enough, the crown of greasy brambles and throne of compacted garbage to be awarded to the worst game of 2011 are in this case two crowns and perhaps some kind of chaise lounge affair, because I can't decide which creepy, masturbatory, lead you by the nose, flimsily justified violence upon vastly inferior enemies, open-quotes "realistic" shooter with a 3 on the end I despise the most: Battlefield 3 or Modern Warfare 3 . I don't hate them because they're poorly made or fail in what they set out to do, I hate them for what they represent . Modern Borefare and Twattlefield not only show that people should stop making realistic shooters , but also make a convincing case that people should stop existing generally and perhaps we should save time, form a big circle and on an agreed signal all cap the person to the right. Oh, Happy New Year by the way. [225] Sonic Generations [ edit ] ...It turned out Generations only updates one classic level per game. Green Hill Zone from Sonic 1 , Chemical Plant Zone from Sonic 2 , et cetera, and this led inexorably to a brain-scouring moment when I was faced with a level based on part of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 ! I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something good. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about Sonic 2006. Nobody liked Sonic 2006. If you think you did, you're wrong. It's like saying you enjoyed listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce. I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just wrong. And yet here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it, "misplaced conceit," but I'm not so I'll call it, "frothing bug-eyed self-delusion." [226] Star Wars: The Old Republic [ edit ] Every time I play a MMORPG I have a moment of self-realization at some point when I say, "What the fuck am I doing?" and go back to being a productive member of society. In some games it comes earlier than others, but to Old Republic's credit, it did take a while. It was right after my character got the Schmillenium Schmalcon back, and the game universe opened up. My heart leaped when the space battles were introduced, but they're basically just pseudo rail shooters, in the Nova Storm or Microcosm style, and aren't much more than a gimmick. What really made me lose interest was that, in emphasizing the story, the game unwittingly sealed its downfall, because once my smuggler had reclaimed the Thousand-Year Albatross, he suddenly didn't have a story anymore. Some hideously contrived development about a pirate treasure was yanked from a butt-hole lubricated with desperate sweat, but all I could think was, "Why the hell would I want a treasure?! I've got 25 grand in the bank gathering dust because the stores don't sell anything worth shit, and I peel all my equipment off dead tosspots! At least provide a beautiful princess for me to put my cocksure leg over. I spent a lot of cold lonely nights in the captain's bunk with my right hand and some racy holograms, thinking, 'So this is why they called him Han Solo'!" [227] Amy [ edit ] Using the word, "Escort," to describe core gameplay is like using the words, "Bloody and viscous," to describe a urine sample, but Amy pulls her weight by having the power to heal you, create cones of silence, and telekinetically blast things aside. Obviously. I'd have been rather put out if she didn't. In horror circles, small mute autistic girls are second in power only to Jason Voorhees listening to people fucking. [228] Resident Evil: Revelations [ edit ] I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best. Sometimes my character nimbly sidestep a blow, and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual which said to, "Use the analog stick as you're about to be hit." "Use it," eh? Thanks. Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? "Step 1: Use your hands. Step 2: Also maybe some pliers." [229] Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning [ edit ] I've called Kingdoms of Amalur a lot of things - "Single-Player World of Warcraft," "Fable With a Shriveled Willy" - but I think I've found the soundest comparison: it's "Baby's First Skyrim!" Pretty much the same gameplay features with substantially less complexity and with boring, claustrophobic environments, or at least that's what I thought. When I took a moment to stop and take a good look around me, I realized that the environments were actually quite expansive, epic, and artfully designed. It just didn't feel that way because the camera is angled slightly downward, so at any given moment of gameplay 60 to 70 percent of the screen was taken up by the floor texture. If I'd been in charge of designing ceilings in this game, I'd be out for fucking blood right about now. Just goes to show how the smalles tweak of a core feature can have ruinous consequences, like prodding a tiger's bollock. [230] NeverDead [ edit ] The best constructive criticism I could offer would be to travel back in time to the first gameplay planning meeting with a large Hessian bag and some day-laborers with cricket bats. "Hey!" said one developer looking up from his Lego set, "If our character's immortal, then there's not going to be much challenge, is there? Why don't we put in another character he has to escort..." And that's as far as he gets before disappearing into the Hessian bag, and his pig-like squeals are drowned out by the grunts and thwacks of the day-laborers at work. "And," says another developer sticking whiteboard markers up his nose, "Let's constantly put some monsters around that can instantly game-over you if they suck in your disembodied head, but you can avoid it by completing a quicktime even..." "Get in the fucking sack!" "You know what I hate?" interjects a third developer emerging from underneath his pillow fort, "Using nice convenient button presses for sword attacks when we could be rattling the right analog stick back and forth and up and down like a clumsy teenage boy's first time at third base." "Thank you for sharing," I would say. "You know what I hate? You not being in this fuckin' sack right now!" [231] Syndicate [ edit ] Mostly though, the agenda I sympathize with the least is the publishers. What is the point of slapping a 90s tactical shooter 's name recognition on a generic modern shooter if most people who like generic modern shooters won't remember the name, and the people who do remember the name will want to set your office on fire? You won't endear yourself offering to rape my mum for fifty bucks! [232] Yakuza: Dead Souls [ edit ] To stop beating about the bicycle, the shooting controls are a load of piss. If you go into aim mode -- that's the second aim mode; for some reason there are two aim modes, one slightly less aim-y than the other, so why the fuck would you bother? -- then the camera angle switches to where your character is facing, rather than the character turning to face the camera angle, like how the regular boring well-designed shooters work; and I wish I had a sewing needle for every time I got teeth marks in my mauve blazer while intimidating a wall two feet to the right of the guy I was trying to aim at, because I'm going to shove them all under my fingernails. Also, when you're not aiming, you use the right analog stick to look around. But that's what it's good at; it's like a faithful hound trained to fetch the grouse and nothing else. That's why in most shooters, when you go into aiming mode, you continue using the right analog stick to adjust your aim, because you're still looking at things, but now in an edgy, masculine kind of way. Yakuza is of an innovative mindset, however, so adjusting your aim in aiming mode is done with the left analog stick. Why the scrambled eggs on fucktoast would anyone do that? [233] Ninja Gaiden 3 [ edit ] It's like the series feels like it's lost so much identity from cutting out the leather-clad titty monsters that it's grabbing scrips and scraps from anything that it thinks people seem to like these days, trying to find a new niche before it throws up its hands, gives up, explodes all over the bedspread, and you spend the last few moments fighting a giant city-destroying naked woman clutching a broadsword. Well, good try, Team Ninja , you almost held out! [234] Silent Hill: Downpour [ edit ] So it's got the right survival horror combat and the right survival horror exploration, all Silent Hill: Downpour needs now to earn a great big fat tick at the bottom of the page is to be scary! ... Oh. This always ends up being the sticking point, doesn't it. Fear being a purely emotional response, it's difficult to say precisely why something is or isn't scary, but as I said earlier the essence of it lies in subtlety. And because I know that word disappeared from the vocabularies of triple-A game developers some time ago, no it is not the name of a small village in Derbyshire. [235] Kid Icarus: Uprising [ edit ] In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things – I'm the guy who went 50 miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house – but I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it, rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor. Okay then, now that's covered, here's Kid Icarus, a shit game for twats. [236] Prototype 2 [ edit ] Games like this and Skyrim and Just Cause 2 really are the sort of thing triple-A development should be making all the time, because it really is the only thing they do best anymore. They badly need to understand why they should stop piling all their resources into designing glorious skyboxes and elaborate set pieces and other things that fall solely under the category of "looking at stuff," when you cannot possibly compare "looking at stuff" to "blowing up stuff," "running to the top of stuff" and "skiing back down stuff with two still bloody scalps attached to the soles of your shoes." [237] Risen 2: Dark Waters [ edit ] Things are operating on a sort of Pirates of the Caribbean level, where there's a bunch of all-powerful god-like entities threatening generic destruction all over the place, and a loose coalition of bad-smelling toothless seafarers have to stop them by acquiring four cans of spray-on all-powerful godlike entity repellant. Well, four magical treasures, but basically that's the gist of it. It really is strongly reminiscent of the plot writing in the later Pirates of the Caribbean films , in that there is no problem in the world that doesn't have some convenient bullshit magical artifact kicking around somewhere, specifically designed to deal with it. Either the Ancient Ones didn't feel like they were doing their jobs properly if they didn't enchant every last fucking thing in their trophy cabinets, or someone's making shit up as they go along! [238] Diablo III [ edit ] You know, if any game company is likely to be secretly headed by a James Bond villain, it's Blizzard, because all their games put me into a fucking hypnotic trance, and levelling starts to carry this mindlessly addictive quality into which they could easily insert some subliminal instruction to raid the nearest plutonium storage facility. Ultimately I confess I still don't get the appeal of dungeon crawlers. Seems like I could recreate the essential experience by opening Microsoft Excel, scrolling down ten thousand pages with the down cursor key, and then typing, "THE MOST SPLENDID TROUSERS OF THEM ALL!" What I really don't get is the appeal of randomly-generated dungeons. Surely that could only possibly pay off during a second playthrough when/if the player realises that this small handful of barren rooms manaically copy-pasted and then arbitrarily stapled together seems to have been arbitrarily stapled together slightly different to before. If a book randomly rearranged its chapters with every read, then every chapter would have the characters doing fuck-all, because the plot wouldn't make sense otherwise. So the end result will always be a fucking boring book. It's not just missing the forest for the trees - it's missing the forest for the trees in another completely different forest. [239] Lollipop Chainsaw [ edit ] What with Juliette being built like a collection of sofa cushions strategically nailed to a lamp post and her fondness for skirts the length of an information pamphlet on feminist theory, one could reasonably take this as yet more proof of the rampant objectification of females in the media . But the more I considered it, the more I regarded Lollipop Chainsaw as comparatively progressive, and isn't that a depressing thought. Juliette is always in control of the situation, has a healthy devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the players should feel motivated to protect her from rapists. ( Seriously, that's pretty fucked. ) But importantly at the same time, it's never suggested that she is something women should aspire to be, either: her bubble-headed obliviousness is constantly played for laughs and there's a strong undercurrent of psychological damage as she chainsaws up her former schoolmates while remaining as innocently upbeat as a cruise ship entertainer teaching a pensioners how to line dance. It's almost a parody of the standard improbably skilled impractically dressed pouting hotties of video gaming, but then again, I'll say the same thing I said about Bayonetta : just because you're being ironically fetishistic doesn't mean people aren't gonna jerk off to it. [240] Quantum Conundrum [ edit ] So the puzzles are driven by a handheld device called a Portal G... Oh, wait. Actually a sort of power glove thing that allows you to shift between four alternate dimensions (read screen filters) that alter the physical properties of the objects around you. It's kind of like a glove-mounted cocktail dispenser, except that it alters the physical properties of things other than your own legs. There's the Piña Colada dimension where everything is light and fruity; the Black Russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife; the Absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning; and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. [241] Spec Ops: The Line [ edit ] In some ways, it's a rather grim exploration of the relationship between player and player-character. Are we really in control of Captain Walker, or do we merely represent the last vestige of self-awareness in his increasingly damaged mind as he railroads us into committing atrocities, and our distrust and fear of him grows in parallel to that of the men in his command as he weakly tries to rationalize to both them and us until we feel as disconnected from him as the rest of reality and... (weary sigh) Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell? Those were good days... [242] Walking Dead [ edit ] ...If you're thinking of having a go at making your own [point-and-click adventure game], here's my hot tip: First, think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat down from a tree. Then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand. Then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way you'd solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, maybe hiding a spider under the sunshades in Old Man Withersteen's car, so that he crashes it into the tree trunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the Moon. "Why?!" Because adventure game developers can't cum unless they're picturing the frustrated tears of people who used to trust them. Actually, that could just be me. [243] Inversion [ edit ] Cover shooting is fine if it serves the game; if it's the glue connecting the actual interesting bits of the model aeroplane. But when the interesting bits only exist to serve the cover shooting, then you're grinding up the model aeroplane components to help beef up the glue. You give us mastery over one of the fundamental forces in the universe and then suggest we just use it to make it slightly easier to shoot things behind cover? Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a Green Lantern ring. You'd probably just use it to conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun. Couldn't we use our gravity powers to, y'know, fly?! [244] Half-Life [ edit ] I close now, reassured that Half-Life is indeed still good. Perhaps one could partly blame it for some of today's shooter problems, like aggressive linearity and cut-scenes , but that was just dipshits aping something popular without grasping the subtleties. You can't blame Watchmen for all of the comics in the '90s being about angsty people shooting blood out of tit-mounted pouch guns... and pouch-mounted gun tits. [245] Wreckateer and Deadlight [ edit ] [Deadlight] is a game that looks like someone at Castle XBLA who I imagine resembles J. Jonah Jameson said "Where are the indie-spirited unrelentingly grim platformers?! Take this checklist and find me a game with more tics than a mangy dog!" It's like something that the XBLA spontaneously generated one day when it had enough titles rubbing together. So it's a linear silhouette platformer like Limbo that controls kind of Shadow Complexy with the merest hint of 'Splosion Man and a story channeling I Am Alive narrated by a bloke with a voice like he smokes entire rolled-up carpets . Oh yes, and it's set in a zombie apocalypse, which is the point that the Indie-O-Meter starts ringing bells and emitting confetti. [246] Darksiders 2 [ edit ] ...I was surprised to see a 20 hour play time on the save file, because it had felt a fuck-load longer than that. It's that most tedious of game plots where you have precisely one goal, that never wavers or updates in any way, and they fill the time by putting a fucking parking barrier every fifty paces that you can't move past until you've gotten three of something from the local dungeon. And it's always three of something! In fact, more than once I'd be asked to find three of something in exchange for one of another set of three things I was already looking for! It's not just padded, it's fractally padded! [247] Borderlands 2 [ edit ] Anyway, we return to to the planet Pandora, or, to give it its full name, the planet Pandora – no-not-that-one – with four vault hunters of varying skillsets different superficially from the four vault hunters of the previous game, but not in any practical sense. And after the vault that drove the first game's plot was revealed to be short on treasure and long on tentacles, it turns out that there's actually more than one legendary treasure vault on Pandora-no-not-that-one, some of which actually do have treasure in. So that means that everyone in the game gets to keep calling you Vault Hunter. Phew. Thought we'd have to change our stationery. But now your quest is to end the tyrannical regime of one Handsome Jack, who lured you out to Pandora-no-not-that-one and then tried to kill you because he hates vault hunters, oh no wait actually he wants to manipulate vault hunters, but then why would he try to kill you? Oh, stop thinking about it and kill some more Jasons, Mr. Picky-Pants. [248] Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition [ edit ] After I declared Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare as The Twin Bollock Lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I just don't like shooters. Oh you ignorant little bastards! Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wii-motes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating murderer-come-latelies. You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits-about-you, rocket-jumping, last scrap of health, toodly fuckpies organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is not riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by other people's gunfire. [249] Assassin's Creed 3 [ edit ] The sandbox map gets absolutely bukakke'd with collectibles and side-quests, but what's it all in aid of, Assassin's Creed 3? "Well, at your home base, there's this ongoing thing where Connor enlists specific craftsmen to recreate his own personal theme park version of Little House on the Prairie ." So? "You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items, and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft." Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa? "You sell the sofa for money!" Ok, now I am a millionaire East Coast sofa baron. What do I DO with the money? "Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions." Well, that's something, I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me? "More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!" Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people? "What is it with you and stabbing people?" What is it with you and NOT stabbing people?! Don't be Farmville, Assassin's Creed, be Assassin's Creed. We've already got a Farmville, it's called Farmville. [250] Halo 4 [ edit ] I feel sorry for 343 Industries, the company Microsoft brought in to do Halo because the company champagne fountain needed refilling and Bungie escaped from the basement. It's always awkward replacing someone everyone's gotten used to, isn't it? This must be what it's like for new popes. "Oh, sorry, the old pope always preferred golden syrup in his porridge. No, it's alright, the old pope and me had this little understanding - I'd fuck altar boys and he'd hush it up!" Still, you can't say 343 aren't grateful for the opportunity. Funny how Halo 4 was released on election day, as part of some sinister Republican conspiracy to make people who write game FAQs stay at home. 'cause at the start and end of the game, there's a little personal message from the new developers that has much of the acceptance speech about it. "Ooh, thank you so much for accepting us, o handsome and wonderful consumer! We promise not to completely diddle Halo over a doghouse, slurp-slurp, fawn-fawn!" It's just a fucking aging shooter franchise, 343 Industries, you're not the fucking UN Secretary General. Stop trying to altar-boy me! [251] Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 [ edit ] People fortunate enough to have randomly been born white in the First World are the most privileged motherfuckers on this unequal fucking planet, and Modern Warfare games are basically those people complaining about how tough life can be when everyone's jealous of you. It's like when white dudes complain about being victims of racism 'cause all the people they used to enslave are making fun of them. Or when Christians cry about being persecuted because the government wants to recognize that men can be into the cock. Just to underline it, the villain is behind an organization of the world's underclasses, so you can add the poor to the growing list of peoples the audience of Black Ops 2 feels threatened by. But perhaps I shouldn't dwell on the politics. The occasionally sympathetic portrayal of the villain and that whole chapter where you're called upon to defend a repulsively-decadent future city for rich people does show a degree of self-awareness on 'Blops 2's part. I honestly can't be arsed to speculate what level of irony we may or may not be operating on, so let's just judge it by the gameplay: It's boring and stupid! Give it a miss! Fuck, that could've saved a bit of time! [252] Hitman: Absolution [ edit ] If you're unfamiliar with standard Hitman gameplay, they're basically adventure games for the impatient. Missions take place in open-ended environments, and you can either engineer an accidental-seeming death with obscure inventory puzzles, or you can just stove their head in with a brick 'cause you've got shit to do! [253] Far Cry 3 [ edit ] One time, I was carefully scouting an enemy base and had just about decided on the best angle of attack when a fucking tiger lolloped into the base and fucking cleared it out with strategic maulings! What a right wally Mr. Pussycat has made me look like, but it's the sort of thing that'd never fucking happen in Call of Duty, isn't it? Not unless Mr. Pussycat was a programmed setpiece with ties to Al-Qaeda. [254] ZombiU [ edit ] So, I got myself a Wii U, and as with many Nintendo products these days, the startup process feels like you're joining a cult. With the constant music that one might hear in the elevators of a methadone clinic and the crowd of Miis staring up at you as if to say, "Come and join us! The master will be home soon!" and I had to mute the fucking TV during the update process, 'cause that repeating "widdly-wee" noise felt like it was implanting hypnotic suggestions. With a drill. Here's a fun drinking game I devised for the Wii U - take a shot every time the little controller screen is doing something that couldn't have just been put on the TV screen without sacrificing anything. It's the best drinking game, because afterwards, you can legally drive home! [255] Top 5 of 2012 [ edit ] Yes it's confirmed, "Warfighter" is actually a word used by the actual military, but I don't see how that makes it any less dumb! Or Medal of Honor: Warfighter any less obnoxious, incoherent, and boring. In the year I started referring to schizophrenic, overly linear modern military shooters as 'spunkgargleweewee' with the good taste and maturity you've come to expect, I felt it would be remiss of me not to represent the genre here - a genre I would've been tempted to now to put alongside one-on-one fighters , real-time-strategy and train simulators as shit that's just not for me and not worth opinionating on. If it weren't for... Spec Ops: The Line ! And thanks a fucking bunch, Yager Development, `cause now I have to keep playing modern military shooters just in case they turn out to be the most exciting thing to happen in video game narrative for fucking years! [256] Paper Mario: Sticker Star [ edit ] I am very fond of the Paper Mario series, not just for being fun games, but for being my secret weapon. I say the Final Fantasy games are now essentially the same as glueing kaleidoscopes to your eyes and spending twenty hours in the queue at a Brazilian sex-change clinic, and then, say, a dolphin or a stoat materialises behind me and goes, "BWAAA, you just don't like RPGs!" Or I point out that, ever since Galaxy , the entire Mario franchise has just been rolling back and forth on the floor of a public bathroom trying to catch spiders in it's mouth, and I get, "BWAAA, you just don't like Nintendo! Mario games! Or fun!" But then I can go, "Have I mentioned how much I like the Paper Mario series? They're RPGs that are also Mario games developed by Nintendo and are FUN! Eat your devastated argument on a crusty bap, Flipper! WHOPAH!" and then I dance in the rain at their exploded head. Or rather, that's how it used to go. More recently, they then get to say, "So does this mean you really like Paper Mario: Sticker Star on the 3DS?" at which point I have to fall upon my secondary masterstroke, which is to smash a bottle over their head and run away. [257] Black Knight Sword and Hotline Miami [ edit ] ...an informative, if grammatically iffy title, 'cause it's about a knight in black armour who uses a sword. If only other games were willing to wear its colours so prominently in the title - it'd certainly make cataloguing them a lot easier. Like, " Orange Nerd Crowbar ", or " Brown Sweaty Racism ", or " Red Dead Revolv- " oh wait. [258] Anarchy Reigns [ edit ] I've had the same conversation n times this week. "I've been playing Anarchy Reigns!" I'd say to a friend or favoured bartender. "Never heard of it," they'd say, to which I'd reply, "You know, I've had this exact same conversation n-1 times this week." There's, "flying under the radar," but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, Anarchy Reigns isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway. All I knew was that it's by Sega, and the name is possibly intended to be ironic, because Anarchy refers to a situation in which nobody's reigning shit. It's like calling your game Dog Meows, or Margaret Thatcher Cares. But anyway, it turns out that Anarchy Reigns is a sequel to Madworld of sorts, except that it's not on the Wii, and it's not a spectacle fighter, and it's not in cel-shaded black and white. So yeah, this is starting to sound like a pretty big "of sorts", isn't it? The one connecting element is the main character Jack 'cause, you know, there's such a fucking shortage of grizzled, macho badasses voiced by Steve Blum in gaming that we have to start recycling them now. And then they say, "Are you buying a fucking drink or what?" [259] DmC: Devil May Cry [ edit ] So the first controversy is that Dante, the cocky, swaggering, well dressed man in a bleached moptop has been supplanted by Dante, the cocky, swaggering nine-year-old who throws on the first wife-beater and dressing gown that he could be persuaded to peel off the kitchen floor, with short dark hair, no less! Why don't you just come over here and put your cock through the middle of my Devil May Cry PS2 disc, Ninja Theory? Seriously though, I suppose if you're messing with canon, it's better to go forward with confidence and rip off the waxing strip all at once than to ask if we're okay with it for every uprooted pube. But what we could do without was that one scene near the start, where a mop contrivedly falls onto Dante's head and he stares at himself in the mirror for just long enough for it to not be funny, before smirkingly dismissing the look. There's going forward with confidence, and then there's a developer whipping the tip of my nose with its big, pleased-with-itself stiffy. Not that I think the original quippery doucebag Dante is sacrosanct; I thought he was an absolute knobend. But all you need to do is establish that new Dante is an equally big knobend and then we can all move on! [260] The Cave [ edit ] The Cave is an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with the Double Fine adventure game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house . A different Double Fine adventure game, this one written and designed by Ron Gilbert, he of the superlative Secret of Monkey Island and of course Maniac Mansion , the adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven, but that's enough nostalgia. The Cave is an all new adventure game in which you control three protagonists from a starting pool of seven. What a fat lot of good the last twenty five years must have been! Oh, but Ron knows when I'm just being facetious for comic effect. [261] Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch [ edit ] At times, Wrath of the White Privilege pleasantly evokes the old 16 bit JRPGs I can actually tolerate, like Earthbound or Final Fantasy VI with its actually coherent plot and random monsters occasionally smart enough to scarper if you're over-leveled, but the actual combat sucks a fat one. I find I'm more tolerant of turn based combat than I used to be because it is nice for a game to constantly pause itself in case you happen to be playing it while fighting a panther, and of course real time combat would be chocolate smeared all over a consenting biscuit. But it's these hideous hybrid systems that modern JRPGs tend to have that piss in my radiators, 'cause you end up with the worst qualities of both. We find ourselves having to cycle through an option menu while simultaneously running around avoiding the hits, and I've got this lovely big controller here just covered in buttons, any one of which could be a dedicated 'defend' command. But no, I must instead wrestle my way to the 'defend' option in the half second it takes for the enemy to brew up another devastating fart. [262] Dead Space 3 [ edit ] You know what? I fucking give up. I give up just like the bloke who said, "Hey, EA, let's make a horror game," at the start of all this must have given up. He was still around for Dead Space 2 saying, "Look! I made a crayon drawing with blood on it! Maybe you could leave it lying around somewhere in between all the ridiculous action sequences." But now at the time of Dead Space 3, that man has resigned, or been eaten, or maybe the parasitic brain worms that control EA's upper management got to him as well. "Yes, of course Dead Space should be an action shooter; more people buy those. Heaven forbid that we actually provide for an underserved niche or hold out for sleeper sales. It's not like we make the kind of money that could support an occasional risky investment with any actual integrity. Why should we stick our necks into the scary outlying territories when we could be tucked up all safe and warm in the comfortable grey dough of mediocrity that is EA's usual output? What's that? You're getting hungry? Okay, I'll just put some cat food down my ear. Yes, I know you like the chunky kind." Another new feature is weapon crafting, which is part of EA's big scheme to get in on all that sweet FarmVille micro-payment action by letting you pay for more craftable resources. "Did you love blowing real money on flooding everyone's Facebook pages with news on your imaginary cows? Well, you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort and thus cheapen any sense of achievement!" I might be more indignant if I thought this would actually work! The scheme seems to be to walk into a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor and say, "I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put some money in there, then you know, the option's open." And if anyone actually does put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have had financial independence in the first place. "Tension? What's that? The thing that comes before elevension?" [263] Aliens: Colonial Marines [ edit ] So, Colonial Marines is pretty much a wash. But without meaning to absolve the developers , they get all the blame for this fucking trainwreck as soon as they figure out how to divvy it up. What gets me are the Aliens fans who have been declaring it the final betrayal. Have you seen literally anything Alien-related post Aliens the film ? Your sweetums has been putting it about for decades, guys. The betrayal ship has sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spice! [264] Crysis 3 [ edit ] Maybe I just don't have the genius brain for some good old hard sci-fi, the kind of hard sci-fi where the most significant new addition is a bow and arrow. Yeah, that's some real hard fucking sci-fi right there! It really illustrates how desperate they were to find a new feature to trumpet - the amount of fuss that gets made about a fucking piece of string tied to a bendy stick. First it features prominently on the box art, and then it's introduced in the first mission with what sounds like a conversation from the fucking shopping channel. "Gosh, I just love exterminating my fellow man with the most advanced projectile weaponry in existence, but sometimes I think that if I could pick the bullets out of the ruined bodies of my victims, put them back into my guns and use them again, then I'd just be so much more productive! But there's no way I can do that, is there?" "Well, Prophet, have you tried 'Bow And Arrow'?" "Bow and Arrow, you say?" "Yes! Not only does Bow And Arrow allow ammo recovery, but it's also silent, can be fired without de-cloaking, and does about twelve times the damage of a bullet for some reason!" "Gosh, Psycho! Bow And Arrow sounds so convenient it almost makes you wonder why they were completely supplanted by guns fucking centuries ago!" [265] Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance [ edit ] Sometimes, I think the Metal Gear franchise is like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show . It's this loud, wacky dipshit in dire need of an editor who lives in a little world of his own surrounded by people reassuring him that, no, Metal Gear Solid 4 was totally a touching, emotional character drama, especially when the funny man did a big poo in his pants! And every now and again, someone tries to parachute in wearing a t-shirt saying, "EVERYONE'S TAKING THE PISS," but gets swiftly bundled out of sight by a dog walker and a Sony executive. [266] Tomb Raider [ edit ] Lara Croft manages to convince a small team of ethnically-diverse archaeologists who all seem to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are unwillingly made part of someone else's character development, to investigate a mysterious island where they find a storm preventing them from leaving and a mad cult of bearded castaways who have for years been using inflated shopping bags tied to sticks as substitutes for female companionship. So all the pieces are in place for Lara Croft to get the absolute shit kicked out of her for ten hours. Oh, I see! When Lara Croft gets beaten up, we're supposed to admire her strength and character, but when the same thing happens to Nathan Drake , we're supposed to point and laugh? Why do you hate men so much, games industry? Nah, obviously that was sarcasm, because Nathan Drake has never been the subject of a controversial attempted rape scene. Although if you miss the quick-time event to fight off the attempted rapist (Which I did, because the timing is really annoying on those things), then it turns out he only wanted to throttle her to death! Phew, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to misjudge these hairy cultist murderers! [267] SimCity [ edit ] So tell me, little finger puppet, assuming that multiplayer elements are about as enticing to me as the sight of a dog sniffing another dog's bum (an easy thing to assume, because they are), are there any new features SimCity can offer me? "Well there's a poo map!" (beat) I beg your pardon? "We've got a special map that lets you see all the poo forming in big piles under people's houses! Then you build an outlet pipe and watch all the poo speed away on a wee-wee one-way system!" (beat) Fucking SOLD! [268] BioShock: Infinite [ edit ] Comparisons to BioShock are as inevitable as a bear shitting on a Catholic (or however that phrase goes,) and under that light Infinite falls kinda short. What's disappointing is that the villain is basically just a racist nutter who wants to blow up the world. I listen to him frothing about how his carpet made of black people should be grateful he hasn't trod in any dog shit lately, and he becomes hard to take seriously. The truly great villain is one who talks sense; Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap. It is, however, hairy space hopper levels of pretentious. It comes and goes in and out of its own butt the whole way through, but the ending is the point of maximum own butt penetration. It wallows in a bit of abstract meta-narrative - wanky wanky word word - that doesn't really serve the essential plot points, and I found myself thinking: "If this ends with us meeting God and God looks like Ken Levine , then I'm gonna fucking punch someone." But you know what? If it isn't boring and gives us something to talk about then it can't be bad. And Infinite isn't bad, it's good, perhaps even great. You see, sometimes it's kinda nice to be up somebody's butt if it's cozy and warm and they've put some interesting conversation pieces up there. [269] Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon [ edit ] I think I see how the Nintendo flowchart works. Question 1: Are you an entirely original property? If yes, sod off. Question Two: Has your franchise gone unacknowledged for a long time? Or are you Pokémon ? If yes, welcome aboard the uncomfortably sharp edges of the good ship 3DS! Hope your audience likes having sore palms! (Masturbation joke in there somewhere!) [270] Next Gen Buyer's Guide [ edit ] So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played: Where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a Magus of the Vineyard from Magic The Gathering . [271] Fuse [ edit ] There's something slightly surreal about playing a game single-player when it's obviously designed for co-op. It's like getting through an average day with your wallet, phone and keys tied around the necks of three dogs who hang back and stare at you gormlessly while you clear out the room, at which point they all run over to the door to the next room waggling their tails in anticipation of walkies. Although one way the single-player gets spiced up a bit is that you can switch between the four characters, Clive Barker's Jericho -style - Ew, I just thought about Clive Barker's Jericho! Thanks a lot, Fuse. [272] E3 2013 [ edit ] The author wishes it to be known that the bulk of this video was written before the Microsoft DRM backtrack , and he now thinks that games exclusive to Xbox One are no more tainted by original sin than those exclusive to other consoles. He regrets now having to fall back on less popular arguments against next-gen consoles such as their blind insistence on empty spectacle above all else to make triple-A development all the more elitist and prohibitively expensive, the systematic erasure of console gaming history one generation at a time, the flagrantly anti-consumer culture of artificial exclusivity that has created a world in which games are expected to support consoles in which artwork exists to serve a medium on which artwork is presented, as if the words of a great novel exist to serve paper, or a great film exists to serve a piece of wall onto which it has been projected, and so on, and so on, and so on... [274] Animal Crossing: New Leaf [ edit ] It's a very bleak experience. A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss-up on the beach with all your pals? No. The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. Oh, thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, goose woman; doesn't go with my place but it would just look perfect at the PAWN SHOP! Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on its multicoloured- DON'T CARE, PAWN SHOP! Give me my bells, I'm in deep to the raccoon mob! [275] Ride to Hell: Retribution [ edit ] Ride to Hell is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big-boy pants going, "I'm a real game now!" Of course you are, Ride to Hell. And that's why I think everyone should buy it, just to fuck with some heads! This could be our Plan 9 from Outer Space ! We should have mass screenings of it, get everyone to dress up, put upside down pedal bins on their heads and then beat their wives! [276] Dark [ edit ] I'm pleased to report that I've done at least one review for every letter of the alphabet ! Thank Christ for XCOM ! But if there's one letter that's over-represented, it's D. And that's because roughly 100 percent of game titles starts with the word "Dark", as in Souls , Void , -siders , -ness and -est of Days . So the subject of today's review gets refreshingly to the nub of the matter. Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off. Pity the actual game is cajun-cooked walrus dribble, but never mind. They could always patch things up with a sequel which would logically be named "dead", as in Rising , Island , Space and -pool ! Every vampire story has different rules, of course. In the Dark universe for example, the super-secret weakness of vampires is bullets! And cunningly, the security guards of the world all carry guns, having figured out that your Achilles heel is any kind of physical damage whatsoever! So Dark is strictly a stealth game. Such is the aversion to bullets that Eric cannot carry a gun himself. So do the maths here, sonny: Melee-only attacks, plus large numbers of enemies with guns, plus large open environments with limited cover, equals: It's a shame you have such an aversion to bullets, Eric mate, because a lot of them are going to be trying to make friends with you! And your one attack can be blocked by aware enemies, so if you get spotted sneaking up on a dude, the action becomes a rather humiliating game of Patty-cake. I wanted Eric to go back to the club after the first mission and say, "Are you sure I'm a vampire and not just a Goth with a personal trainer?" Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a man with a gun? [277] Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs [ edit ] Quite a few game-play features have been stripped out, starting with the Sanity Meter, which was probably smart. I don't like when a game tries to tell you how you feel – "You are scared, this number says you are scared, pull a scared face" – when it could just be, y'know, scaring me without trying to keep score. It's like when a game introduces a lone female character who you talk to for five minutes and then it says, "You love this person, go rescue her." [279] Grand Theft Auto V [ edit ] There's nothing that excites me that I can point to and call the defining moment. It's just a whole load of people doing stuff, which I admit is a fairly weak argument. World War II was just "a whole load of people doing stuff," but at least getting your leg blown off gives you something for the next letter home: "Dear Mum: Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well, I've managed to redress the balance somewhat. P.S. Fucking hell!! Aaaahhhhh!!!" [280] The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD [ edit ] I can only imagine the panic in Nintendo 's HD remake department when they were given this job: "It still looks fine! What can HD possibly add? Make the GUI smaller so we can fill even more of the screen with featureless blue ocean?" ...It's good! Because it's Wind Waker and Wind Waker was good! That's about the final word. Except for this one: "Mingegurgle!" [281] Call of Duty: Ghosts [ edit ] The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions! [South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, orbital fucking missile weapon!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second! Just for fun, I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut at the start who immediately dies, one helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit who immediately dies. And, frankly, when that happened, the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot. "Dammit, the black guy died!" they seemed to say. "Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!" [282] Dead Rising 3 [ edit ] Hey, Capcom villains, zombie viruses do not make good superweapons! What's easier to occupy: a city full of people shopping and mowing the lawn, or a city full of murderers with a bite-transmittable virus and no ambition in life except to bite things?! I should mention there are combo vehicles now, and I'm not so proud that I can't admit that plowing through uncountable hordes of the undead in a motorbike steamroller didn't make me titter like a schoolgirl riding a bicycle with a knobbly saddle. [284] Super Mario 3D World [ edit ] I played a bit of it co-op, but cooperative it is not; it's more competitive than fucking Bushido Blade . All possible enjoyment was replaced by stress and bitterness because, at the end of the level, whoever got the most points is given a fucking crown, and with that largesse on the table camaraderie was only the first thing to drop off the map as we both tried to sprint ahead, snatching up coins. And once one person touches the flag at the end the other has a deadline the length of an average pull-out procedure before the level ends and the players who made it are showered with confetti and accolades, while everyone else harbors the kind of seething resentment usually reserved for Palestinians and bridesmaids. [285] Killzone: Shadow Fall [ edit ] ...In future, if I review a game on the X-Bone or the Piss-Poor , every time I say something in the slightest bit positive, I want you to mentally append the phrase, "...but it doesn't justify forcing us to buy a clunky new console with no backwards compatibility." I've banged that drum with my raging hate stiffy so many times I figure it can go without saying. [287] Broken Age [ edit ] Maybe I should judge it by its own merits and stop dragging in comparisons to older games. Maybe. But the game was fucking funded on nostalgia for those older games. It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did. Then why did you charge so much for his spunk?! [288] Dark Souls [ edit ] Now, I never reviewed Dark Souls because other titles were out and my play time was limited, and every time I sat down to it, it was like walking into a dark shed full of rakes, immediately treading on one and getting blatted in the face. Other people with more time on their hands started telling me it was the greatest thing since tummy rubs. So I'd go back in the shed thinking, "Well maybe there was just the one rake," before blat in the face again. So I left it for a while, but this week with plenty of free time in my schedule, I thought to myself, "Last chance; I'll just keep tanking the rakes and maybe I'll somehow become really psychotically into being rake-faced just in time to be prepared for the sequel." And I'll be blatted in the face with a rake if that isn't kinda what happened. [289] Strider [ edit ] It's always a good sign when, by the end, you're actively seeking out difficult fights because the last time you cleared a room with minimal hits using a combination of slashes, kunais , and generic ninja flip-outs, you felt like your bollocks sprouted pins and turned into little grenades (if male). Otherwise, your clitoris extended six feet and flew the American flag. [290] Thief [ edit ] ...Thief is a reboot of a series in which a bloke steals money from people with too much disposable income because he doesn't feel like putting any effort into working for a living, so it's good to see the creators of this new one taking that particular attitude on board, if nothing else. I wondered if it might be better to assess it by its own merits rather than how it differs from the originals, but on the other hand that's like wondering whether to use a fish slicer or a butterfly net to get shit out of the trifle. ...If you asked old Garrett why he stole, he'd answer "Because I need to pay rent and it's the only thing I'm good at. So shut up and let go of your wallet." New Garrett would, and indeed does, give the answer "Because it's what I do." No, Garrett, it's what you're currently doing. Hey, Yahtzee, why are you kicking new Garrett in the stomach? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M CURRENTLY DOING! [291] Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 [ edit ] It is a nice idea to be able to play Dracula. I look forward to the game that allows us to do so, rather than the shirtless, mopey pantywaist presented for us here. Despite constant lip service to him being the Prince of Darkness, all the creatures of Darkness are trying to kill him as well. Dracula does not tussle with the groundlings, like a terrier at the bear baiting; Dracula does not do mandatory stealth sections; Dracula does not fetch quest! Dracula is the guy at the far end of an army of minions, slouched on a throne, tossing expensive wine glasses aside 'cause he couldn't give two licks of a used tampon for whoever has to shampoo the carpet! [292] Titanfall [ edit ] Well, this may surprise you, but I've been making more of an effort to do the multiplayer thing lately, partly for therapeutic reasons. Dark Souls helped; that game feels like it's trying to wean you on to social interaction. First you find someone's note advising you to be wary of fatty, then you hire stalwart fellows to help you out with the boss fight (none of whom have headset mics so close to their mouths that you feel like their every utterance is trying to beat your ears to death with racial epithets). The turning point came when I was invaded, but the attacker bowed upon seeing me, a gesture of recognition to mark a duel between equals. "You know what?" I thought, "Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of people all the time." So while he was bowing, I ran up and stuck my halberd up his ass. "MAYBE IT'S PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ME!!" [294] The Amazing Spider-Man 2 [ edit ] It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favourite nancy boys prancing about in leotards. And lest we think Sony's generosity ends with Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Film, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without being reminded of Amazing Spider-Man 2 if you don't want to. You can wake up in the morning and go from Amazing Spider-Man 2 Toothbrush to Amazing Spider-Man 2 Happy Meal to Amazing Spider-Man 2 Nitrogen Asphyxiation Chamber. There's just one tiny little stumbling block in the whole system and that's the fact Amazing Spider-Man 2 is absolute wank, by most accounts. But I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly speaking need all those schools, do they? In all honesty, I haven't seen the film, but that's good. That means however absolute the wank situation, it can't possibly taint my view of Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game. So here goes... Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game is absolute wank. D'oh! Better luck next time. [296] Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure [ edit ] Tesla Effect is a brand new, successfully Kickstarted Tex Murphy adventure, boldly bringing its signature FMV style to an age of HD. Although it does mean that a little lighthearted, niche adventure game ends up clocking up 12 sodding gigabytes of space. But what else besides HD video could do justice to every line that Chris Jones' face has acquired since he last played Tex Murphy in 1998? Sorry, that was needlessly cruel. We can't help how we age, nor, indeed, can game mechanics. [297] Wolfenstein: The New Order [ edit ] One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. "Hey, this guy's a Nazi; would you like to drown him in his own piss?" the game might ask. "Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss," we might reply. But despite that, New Order puts the effort into making hating Nazis feel fresh again. One of the first things we do is watch a soldier shoot a room full of hospital patients before we stab him right up the lebensraum, and the principal villains only need to smile and play card games to become infinitely hateable. [298] Murdered: Soul Suspect [ edit ] ...The story is competent as murder mystery goes: You're wrong-footed by obvious suspects; events recontextualize as the facts unfold; and some people get murdered in it, which I always think is crucial to the genre. And the supernatural elements throw a few curve balls, but at least remain internally consistent, unlike the fact that a man who wears a fedora and vest somehow managed to convince someone to marry him without choking on their own vomit during the vows. [An imp holds up a publicity photo of Yahtzee, which depicts him wearing a fedora and a vest] ... Well I never said I wasn't a hypocrite! [299] Tomodachi Life [ edit ] If a game like, say The Witcher , wants to have a relationship system but slap the player's knuckles whenever they reach for the sausage-platter, then fair enough. Even in branching fiction, the creator is entitled to declare some things to be out of character. Tomodachi Life, meanwhile, encourages you to populate it with the Miis of real-life friends and family, and to disallow same-sex relationships in it is to tacitly deny that they exist in reality. Or at least to assume that no gay person or friend of a gay person could possibly be playing it, 'cause they're all off playing their special gay games for gay people that come in pink boxes adorned with chest-hair. Let's not dismiss the relationship system, for it is one of the few ways we are granted agency. When someone wants to make a friend or take a friendship to the next level, they must request your approval, like you're the stern, overseeing patriarch of a Jonestown -style death-cult. Maybe you'll want to seize the opportunity to finally enforce your will and make your community completely racially segregated to appease Lady Hitler. But personally, I just allowed whatever, except when a love triangle arose between two strapping, young fellows and an obese, elderly woman, which I swiftly put a stop to. I'd given these character enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turning them into granny-fiddlers, too. [300] Shovel Knight [ edit ] If genealogy is your thing, Shovel Knight lies at the bottom of a family tree more rampantly incestuous than the fucking Lannisters , combining DNA from Super Mario 3 , Zelda 2 , Castlevania , DuckTales , and a big, eager, sticky mouthful of Mega Man . It's like the fucking Captain Planet of NES games: "By your powers combined, I will now bleep like someone doing squeaky farts in a tin elevator." Five minutes ago, a bloke the size of a pregnant bus jumped down and hit me with a metal windsurfing sail that he seems to think is a sword, and that didn't even take off a whole health point. Now I'm being splattered across four dimensions 'cause my elbow brushed against the stucco ceiling. I'm a trifle miffed! [301] Earthbound [ edit ] It's a quirky game above all else. You name your character - standard JRPG practice - but you also have to name his favourite food that appears in dialogue a whole bunch. And if your first instinct is not to enter something along the lines of "cock" then you simply do not possess a soul. You use baseball bats and frying pans as weapons and fight animated STOP signs and hippies, so the 'quirky random humour' thing runs along the surface like baked beans sliding down a clown's face. But there's a dark surrealism running under it as well, as indicated by a soundtrack that alternates between fun, jaunty melodies and weird electronic ambiènce, like someone left a theremin in Buffalo Bill's house. [302] Transistor [ edit ] When I said the game is, "hack and slash," it might be better described as, 10 HACK; 20 SLASH; 30 GOTO 10. You're given numerous "functions" that can either be assigned to a button as an attack, or assigned to an already-assigned attack as a modifier, or assigned to a passive slot as a buff. That probably needs clarifying, so let's say you have a function called Tits (bracket, close brackets), assign it to the X button, and pressing that button will launch a pair of big sweaty baps that will smash a single enemy's head around like a chickpea in a ball pit. Or: You can assign SoapyWank (brackets, close brackets) to the X button and then modify it with Tits(), so that an enemy hit by SoapyWank() will suffer the additional effect of soapy tit wank. OR: Assign Tits() to the passive buff slot to give your character higher defense against incoming mammary-based damage. And like a big lovely pair of sweaty baps, this also took me a while to get my head around. [303] E.T. [ edit ] Atari were of a mind that giving game designers credit for the games made about as much sense as crediting the office carpet or venetian blinds, and a bunch of designers disagreed and split off to form Activision . Essentially, this blew the starting whistle for 3rd-party development, flooding the market with badly-made, derivative garbage by inexperienced companies. The enormous letdown of such a hugely anticipated game as E.T. merely caused the scales to fall from the eyes of the buying public: "Hey! All these overpriced, bleep-y games with pixels the size of Post-It notes are actually kinda shit!" Yeah, seems obvious to us, but cut them some slack. It was the '80s; they still thought Bananarama was good. [304] Firefall [ edit ] Firefall has a plot. And frankly, after a bunch of hours playing, that's all I'm prepared to state with certainty. From what I remember, Earth's fucked. A dice was rolled on the usual "Fuck the Earth" table and on this occasion it landed on, "Big Asteroid." But wait! Firefall plays its "Roll Again" card with a +1 modifier and the Earth gets fucked a second time when the dice lands on, "Misuse of Miracle Element." Slow down, intro cinematic; I'm still mentally digesting the first round of fucking! Thankfully, neither fucking is the kind that means we don't get to fly cool spaceships or wear glowing armor, so we boldly step into this bleak arena now the backstory's been hurled at us like a fucking custard pie. [305] Sacred 3 [ edit ] You know, what pisses me off is that all the things I'm good at are things that everyone assumes they could do if they tried. Playing the bassoon or fluffing a walrus people respect, 'cause there's a specialist skill goes into those, but writing? "Pah! I learnt that in school! Fucking aced it! They made me start doing it all in joined-up letters just to give everyone else a chance! And that, Mr. Croshaw, is why I felt my background in production made me qualified to rewrite all the story copy you did for us to be more like a recent popular film." "Well, you know what I say to that, Mr. Producer? Fifty dollars an hour, please." Blimey, I wonder how people with integrity get through life? [306] Risen 3: Titan Lords‎ [ edit ] Risen may have more skills than the size of its world can support, distributing them rather unevenly among a dense population of same-y NPCs. And the necessity of having to converse with every single one of the dreary fuckwits to determine the quests they can give and the skills they can teach gives Risen a little bit too much trough and not enough peak. It's all rather monotone -- converse with one white dude with brown hair and a regional British accent, conversed with them all. Even the first three recruitable crew members are all white dudes with brown hair and regional British accents. I'm not asking for the Mass Effect thing, where they're all different species: one human, one goblin, one pistol shrimp. Nor am I asking for achingly politically correct diversity until it resembles fucking Sesame Street . Just more ways to tell the fuckers apart would be nice! [307] Daikatana‎ [ edit ] As negative press grew and grew concerning nepotism and mass resignations , and magazine ads informed a restless gaming public that they were John Romero's cellmate and he'd claimed the top bunk (as it were), outright hostility was brewing. At this point, the universe takes two paths: One in which Romero spearheads a bold artistic movement in game design as a misunderstood genius, burdened with the egotism that often strikes the auteur; or Romero is forever lambasted as a boob, so massive that even the most determined baby would struggle to get its gob around it. And which universe we ended up with hinged on one thing: Daikatana not being a pile of execrable garbage. Better luck next time, universe. [308] Lichdom: Battlemage [ edit ] Oh, for fuck's sake! Why didn't they just call it, "Battlemage?" That's a really fucking good title -- punchy, memorable, gets the point across. I'd call my dog, "Battlemage!" Fuck it; I'd call my kid "Battlemage" (the playground beatings would be very character building)! Best of all, you feel like you can say it in conversation without having to prize the words through your teeth, like a stubborn Werther's Original . Our story starts with a literal moustache-twirling villain walking into your house, weeing on your carpet and licking all the doorknobs, and then walking out while everyone laughs at your stupid, sad face. Whereupon a mysterious man in a hood grants you the power to shoot fire out of your hands and tells you to go nuts. I suppose if you're making a fantasy game, there is no fantasy like power fantasy. [309] The Sims 4 [ edit ] So presumably, you know what The Sims is by this point: It's the best possible argument against the existence of a benevolent interventionist god, in which you direct small groups of dollhouse residents until they cease to amuse, then burn their lives to the ground and laugh at their betrayed tears. But before you start assembling your psychotic single white female-esque campaign of torment, do bear in mind that there isn't any swimming in Sims 4. So you can no longer lure them into the pool and delete the ladder, which was so iconic to the series, they might as well have removed the green diamond thing. What The Sims is is a consumerist middle class fantasy about walling yourself off from the real world and reducing all measurement of human development and personal success to one's possessions -- your dragon's hoard of crass, suburban decadence. And in that game of Top Trumps, the swimming pool is a kingly crown. It's always the first thing on my progress list when I play The Sims, after a second toilet and a TV bigger than my left bumcheek. I suppose it might be shallow to pick apart every individual detail that has been cut down, and a broader perspective might appreciate the formula being streamlined a bit. But on the other hand, it's the fucking Sims! It's the poster boy for shallowness. It's about smooth-skinned Stepford Wives competing to have the nicest wallpaper, as they willfully ignore the emaciated children sucking on a rat's armpit for nourishment, somewhere outside the pastel walls of their gated community. And to start removing the flatscreen tellies and power showers of gameplay features shows more blatant misunderstanding of its audience than the Black-And-White Minstrels tour of the South African prison system. [310] The Evil Within [ edit ] It plays like somebody said, "Hey, make a horror game!" And somebody else said, "Okay, what about?" "I've just told you, about horror." "No, I mean, what happens in it? What's the context? What are the major themes you want to work with?" "Horror, horror, and horror! Jesus Christ, just do it! Why are you so difficult to work with?" And so the result is this undisciplined mishmash of horror set pieces and imagery barely justified by a toilet-tissue-flimsy plot, populated entirely by stock characters. [311] Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare [ edit ] CODAW starts off on the right foot when we're introduced to our hero taking off his helmet to reveal that he's a white dude with awful facial hair. We then turn to his best friend who takes off his helmet to reveal that he's the exact same, identical white dude with awful facial hair. Then they start talking about their dads because it's always dads, isn't it? There are no mothers in Call of Duty's world. Soldiers are birthed fully formed from the tail pipes of their father's restored Cadillacs. Our friend, who's identical to ourselves, dies in a very heroic and insecure way, and at the funeral, we are introduced to his father, Kevin Spacey, who is the only white guy in the plot who doesn't have atrocious facial hair which I suppose means that he's the baddie. I'd spoiler that since he doesn't properly villain it up until a ways in the game, but come on! It's Kevin Spacey; of course he's the villain. He's got two faces: smart arsed and recently punched for being a smart arse. Kevin Spacey essentially becomes a G.I. Joe villain. The usual anomalously well-organized terrorist strike cripples most of the world, so Kevin Spacey rolls in, takes the credit for ending terrorism, and becomes the most powerful corporation on Earth. And then, having essentially conquered the world with money and minimal force, Kevin Spacey decides his next course of action will be to invade the United States. Yeah, this is where I sort of lose his train of logic. I mean, he practically runs the world already at that point; but I guess conquest just doesn't feel like conquest 'till you've stuck a flag in someone else's shit. And he openly announces his intentions to take over the world in a speech at the United Nations, after which the world turns against him and I want to know what the fuck he was expecting would happen after he stopped talking - pyjama party? [312] Far Cry 4 [ edit ] Where Brody became a killing machine out of desperate survival need and enough drugs to occupy Amy Winehouse for one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ghale only does it essentially because somebody told him to and he didn't want to make a fuss. He's just a dope who does nothing but agree with the last thing he heard. And everyone around him seems to realize it, you can tell from the way characters give him mission briefings. Every single time they make some token instructing noises, give him a little encouraging smack on the bum and close the door in his face and go back to the TV. Ajay's story eventually leads to his parent's dark secret that explains why the villain has an interest in him. But since Ajay reacts to the revelation like a St. Bernard being told he can't have another biscuit, my first thought was "Any chance we could play as your parents instead? They sound more interesting than you." The main plot thread concerns the resistance being torn between two leaders, one old-fashioned and moralistic, and the other extreme but pragmatic, and you have to decide which one to support. They both have good points, it was a somewhat interesting dilemma and I put quite a bit of thought into my decisions. But what I wanted was some sodding payoff. And at the end of it all, you install you preferred dictator and they go "Cheers, for that", smack on the bum, close door in face. This must be what it's like to be the American secretary of state. And then you trudge up main villain's house and they're all like "Don't look at me, my ending's completely anticlimactic as well." Riding elephants is one of those things I didn't realize I wanted until I had it. It's just fun to stampede into a ring of soldiers or, indeed, wolves and go "What's up motherfuckers? The elephant in the room is that you're all fucking dead." [313] Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric [ edit ] The plot opens with Sonic et al., running fast and fighting Dr. Eggrobotmannik. Blimey, that's a bold stride in a new direction! No wonder we needed a fucking reboot! In short order, Sonic frees an evil snake monster from the past who claims that it was Sonic himself who imprisoned him a thousand years ago. And so the plot starts making time travel noises as Sonic is transported back to do the thing he already did. You might reasonably think at this point that we're setting up a Zelda-esque mechanic wherein we hop back and forth between two different time periods throughout the game, and you'd be all wrong and a bag of chips! We go back in time, imprison the poor bastard, and come straight back. It's never brought up again and we're not even a quarter of the way through the game! No, I know what it is. It's an endurance test. You see how much of the dialogue you can listen to before you slice you own ears off with a paper guillotine. Or perhaps just turn the volume down, you spaz. "Getting sniffy about random quips not meeting your comedy standards again, are we Yahtzee?" (Referring to Sunset Overdrive ) I would be if they were quips. They seem more like matter-of-fact running commentary. "Bounce pad!" announces Sonic as he touches a bounce pad. "It's bounce pad time!" he adds. "I'm bouncing off something with pad-like characteristics!" he clarifies. And when it's not that, it's the game weakly attempting to praise itself. "This is amsoewe[sic]!" cries a sprinting character as they face-plant into another rock. "This place looks amazing!" they say, taking in the boxy buildings worthy of a pre-analogue sticks PS1 game. But saying something isn't enough to make it true, unless you say something like, "Sega are attracting derision, the massive wankers!" And when the dialoge isn't awful quips or self-aggrandizement, it's just treating the player like an absolute cretin. (As Sonic Boom) "That wall looks breakable. I noticed you haven't broken it in the 2.7 seconds since I last mentioned that. That's cool. I'll check again in 2.8 seconds." What makes you think I'm this stupid, Sonic Boom? "You bought me." Touché. [314] Talos Principle [ edit ] You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of The Prisoner . [315] Dying Light [ edit ] This ostensibly new IP plays a lot like Dead Island, I thought, before noticing that it comes to us from the same developer as Dead Island, which confused me for a bit 'cause I assumed they were working on Dead Island 2, currently represented by a pre-rendered trailer that, as always, tells us as much about the game as it does about freshwater fly fishing. But apparently that's being developed by Yager, creators of Spec Ops: The Line, a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and violence while getting a lovely suntan. But I digress. Dying Light is a game about an American agent being inserted into a middle eastern city on an innocuous fetch quest and confronting death, horror, and OH, GOD, EVERYTHING'S SPIRALIING IN ON ITSELF! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME? JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MY OWN BUTTOCKS! [316] The Order: 1886 [ edit ] In fact, The Order seems to be making eye-contact with Ryse: Son of Rome, as they both stare forlornly out through the fences of their respective death-camps. They are the stuff of the "spunkgargleweewee"-modern-shooter behind the thin disguise of an alternative setting; a "funkmarbleteehee" if you will. In fact, the moment that crossed my mind, I realized that the plot of The Order is point-for-point identical to the plot of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare: We are "Sir Galahad"; a veteran, loyal member of the Order with the face of Al Swearengen from Deadwood and the vocabulary of a shaved bear, pledged to defend the land from evil terrorists -- I mean, werewolves -- but then finds himself having to fight off a civilian resistance, and in situations like this, you can put money down right fucking now on his high-tech, authoritarian big-boys club proving corrupt and him switching sides to a resistance movement surprisingly accepting of a dude who murdered two-hundred of their mates that morning. In the run-up to release, I'd gotten the idea that The Odor: 1886 was a four-player co-op shooter -- going again by the teaser and the four characters on the box-art, arranged with equal prominence. I wonder if that might once have been the intention because, of the three characters on the box besides Galahad, none of them are still participating in the plot by the final level, as if in the original first draft they were supposed to have been tagging along with you. Although having said that, the main villain is also no longer participating in the plot at the end. To go back to the Advanced Warfare comparison: It's like if Kevin Spacey just flat out hadn't appeared in the final mission and the final boss fight was instead with Kevin Spacey's pet Staffordshire Terrier, with Kevin Spacey mockingly saluting from a hang-gilder with 'Sequel Hook' written on it. [317] Battlefield Hardline [ edit ] As for the actual plot, well, why don't you fill in the blanks yourself? You're a cop on the blank, you get blanked for a blank you didn't commit, and now you're out for blank and to clear your blank. The new modern shooter is officially the old detective thriller with gradual shift to heist movie in the second half. What confuses me, though, is that, even after you've been wrongly accused and are on the run, you can still arrest people. In fact, when the evil private cops show up to arrest you, you can arrest them back! What organisation is going to come around and pick those guys up?! The criminal police from Opposite Land who give talks to high-school kids on how drugs are really great and everyone should take them? [318] Mortal Kombat X [ edit ] I'm surprised by how many original characters are introduced in MKX. There's even a gay one, apparently, and it's not the one dressed as a cowboy (which I call a fucking missed opportunity ). "Original" might be a poor choice of words, actually; one of the new characters is blatantly Master Blaster from Mad Max 3 , and most of the rest are the younger offspring, cousins, and catamite love slaves of the returning old farts. I remember saying about MK9 that it was written like a subpar superhero comic trying to earn a tax rebate on red ink, and that comparison's only getting stronger now that everyone's got a fucking teenage sidekick! The trademark extreme violence feels rather incongruous combined with this whole Muppet Babies concept: You can play the story campaign and watch Johnny Cage complain to his ex-wife, Sonya Blade, that she never makes time for their daughter any more, and then you can go into one of the non-story modes and watch Johnny Cage snap his daughter in half lengthways like a giant Kit Kat. [319] Splatoon [ edit ] So what other online content is there? "Other online content?" said Splatoon, bemused. "We've got a whole two maps! You can wear different shirts that no one besides you will ever notice or care about! What more you do want?" Two maps?! "No, of course not just two maps! We wouldn't be much of a multiplayer-focused game with only two maps, would we? We've actually got five maps, thank you very much. But we artifically restrict you to two and change them every few hours." Okay. Why? "What's with all the fucking questions?! You see anyone else complaining?" said Splatoon, pointing to the many player avatars standing around the lobby like Village of the Damned with Miiverse posts floating over their head saying things like: [in a droning monotone] "This is the best game ever," and, "Hooray for Splatoon," and, "My connection died again. Whoops, I mean: I love Nintendo," and, "Thanks to Nintendo and to local gaming retailer for bringing me this great game." That was a real message I actually saw. How many checks do you think that guy is cashing? [320] Batman: Arkham Knight [ edit ] The problem with super-hero movies is that they only have three plots: Villain endangers hero's loved one; hero faces villain who is dark reflection of themselves, villain threatens to cover a city in gas that will make everyone as petty as they are. Arkham Knight goes through all three, multiple times, with varying degrees of disconnect and all messily layering over each other like an orgy in a poorly-made lasagna. [322] Everybody's Gone To The Rapture [ edit ] I suppose my first major problem with the story is that I assumed I was crawling through the village on my overloaded mobility scooter to discover the nature of the mysterious event that happened to it. It's rather swiftly established that everyone got disappeared by space magic; but after completing the game, I still didn't have any explanation better than, "Everyone got disappeared by space magic." Which raised the obvious question of what the hell we have been learning for the last three hours! Well, we know that scientist-guy is a complete douche-balloon because his mom is the Lord High Empress of The Busybody Cattlecunts, and we witnessed a bunch of other interpersonal conflicts that all ended rather anti-climatically when — you guessed it — everyone got disappeared by space magic. But you know what? Everybody Wants to Rule the World was never intended to be traditional story-telling: What with events playing out for us in essentially random order. So now — as well as being glued to the side of a gazelle — the book's being chewed up by the honey badger riding on the gazelle's back. Maybe, rather than a linear mystery to be unlocked by the end, I should see it as immersing myself in the larger world of the characters. The problem with that is: I don't like any of the characters and I'd sooner immerse myself in a vat of cold Marmite! I think I'm supposed to sympathise with the American scientist lady, because this is rural England and the locals read the words "American scientist lady" the same way they read the words "Venusian ballerina crab". But she's hardly meeting them half-way; treating them like idiots and reacting hypersensitively to their blissful ignorance, like a cat that shares a litterbox with a hedgehog. [323] Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain [ edit ] ...Konami recently decided they're going to take everything they've built over the years as a game developer, arrange it nicely in front of them, and then pick up a big hammer and smash and smash and smash and smash and smash. "Sorry we had to cancel Silent Hills, but we kind of lost our interest in it around the same time we lost our fucking miiiiiinds! Here, have a pachinko machine instead. We like pachinko machines, 'cause it's nice to have something around that has some fucking balls. Also, fuck off, Hideo Kojima; you're too reliably bankable for our liking. We'd much rather stick our feet up our arse and bounce down the stairs making burbling noises with our lips! Brblbblbblbb!" Although Phantom Pain doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, 'cause Hideo Kojima's name is all over it, to a frankly quite psychotic degree. Christ knows why every individual mission has to have its own credit sequence unless Hideo's worried we've all got short-term memory loss. I know you're the director, Hideo; there's a mentally damaged woman over there with her tits hanging out, of course it's by you! [324] Until Dawn [ edit ] I have a soft spot for the slasher movie. Not that they're ever anything above god-awful. I mean; calling Friday the 13th "art" is like calling a face full of crusted shit "cosmetic surgery". But I like them because there's something very essentially cathartic about watching a bunch of complete twats get completely twatted. When the parade of out-of-work actors in their mid-to-late twenties pretending to be carefree teenagers with unfeasibly easy access to expensive holiday real estate seem to find no end of amusement in jumping out at each other ten million times across the first hour as the soundtrack shrieks like Sharon Stone just recrossed her legs in front of the violinists, Jason Voorhees is acting out the growing desires of the audience as he starts slitting them up like Christmas presents with good dentistry. Until Dawn is an interactive story of the David Cage school pushed through the filter of slasher movie, with the promise being that, if we make all the right decisions, perhaps we can keep all the out-of-work twenty-something actors alive. I don't think you were paying attention, Until Dawn! I will have made the right decisions if every single one of those gurgleburgs ends up upholstering the soft furnishings in Leatherface's man cave! [Until Dawn] also owes something to Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, in that it tries to psychologically evaluate you to an extent, albeit with considerably less subtlety. At one point, a character brazenly asks, "Say, which three of these things do you find scariest?" And lo and behold; the three you pick will show up later! That seems like an easy system to game: "No, really! I'm terrified of Magners Cider, Jaffa Cakes, and handjobs!" [325] SOMA [ edit ] SOMA feels like a decent, melancholy sci-fi mystery story living next door to a sci-fi horror B movie whose dog keeps escaping and jumping in our swimming pool (what a little bastard), and you can really feel the game struggling to mesh the two, right up until the end when it blows a little raspberry and gives up trying. On the way to the final area, to conclude the Simon story, a new character literally appears from nowhere, pops his head around the door, and says: "Sorry to interrupt, player, but before you tie up the main plot, could we borrow you for five minutes to tie up the shitty monster plot as well?" So you follow him into a little room, press one button labeled, "Resolve Shitty Monster Plot," and then get on with what you were doing. I'm only slightly exaggerating! So I suppose if Antoine de Saint-Exupéry were here, he'd ask, "Would SOMA be improved if they took out the monster stealthing altogether and got by with exploration, puzzles, and environmental hazards? Also, didn't I die in 1944?" Well, I'd say so, Antoine, but if they took out the scary monsters, what else are the streamers and Let's Players supposed to obnoxiously overreact to? "AAAHHH! IT'S SO EXISTENTIAL!" [326] Assassin's Creed Syndicate [ edit ] I once described the Assassin's Creed series as a line graph and here's how it continues: From the point that Unity was at, draw a perfectly horizontal line. We've jumped 60 years and about 250 miles, but we haven't budged a fucking inch. I wouldn't say Syndicate is the worst Sassy Credo, but it might well be the laziest. Lazily written, certainly. We play as twins, Jacob and Evie Frye, one of them is brash and reckless and direct-combat-oriented, the other is smart and measured and more suited to stealth. I'll leave you to guess which one's the boy and which one's the girl, but here's a hint: Try to think like the laziest writer in the fucking universe. Remember how Leonardo was a major character in Screedo 2, and the friendship between him and Ezio was actually firmly established? Well, the sideburns muscled that out, too, 'cause every meeting with a historical figure in Syndicate plays like something from a fucking kids' TV series: "Hello, I'm the famous Charles Dickens." "Hello, the famous Charles Dickens; we're stand-ins for the audience." "Hello, stand-ins. I guess that means I can inexplicably enlist you to solve my problems." "What problems, the famous Charles Dickens?" "It's all these random thugs stopping me from finishing the famous books I write. If only there was someone around here who could brutally stab them all to death for me." Mind you, I said we haven't moved anywhere since Unity, but at least Unity tried to play a bit with the idea of Assassins and Templars not being a totally uncomplicated good-versus-evil situation; whereas in Syndicate, the best and only argument for opposing the main villain is: "Fucking look at the guy! He's like someone drew a Snidely Whiplash moustache onto a picture of Joseph Goebbels!" [327] Halo 5: Guardians [ edit ] Turns out Cortana's big dramatic death scene in the last game wasn't for realisies, but one could kinda predict that from the mere fact that there is a Halo 5 at all. It doesn't take a giant space-protractor to calculate that Master Chief and Cortana are the only marketable faces of the franchise; which is not even because they're good or interesting characters. It's only because Mr. Chuffy is the protagonist and Cortana flaps her big blue knockers about like a gelatin dessert on a merry-go-round. The funny thing is, even in-universe, everyone seems to realize that Mr. Chuffy and his little blue titty-monster are the only characters of any importance. So when Mr. Chuffy reports having a weird dream about Cortana being alive and calling him to distant planet, not a single person so much as hazards the possibility that it was just a dream and maybe he'll forget all about if they buy him a new wank-doll for Christmas. No, they're all like, "Ooh, this is serious! We better go to that planet, then!" The action is split between the four Spartans trying to hunt down Mr. Chuffy and Mr. Chuffy himself, who also has three finger puppets with him for no better reason than because his bits needs to be four player co-op as well. Any potential that might have been here for some kind of tense or dramatic character interplay is lost by the fact that Halo continues to seem like it was written by a castrated slug. The crime for which Mr. Chuffy is being hunted is so completely fucking weak that the two parties can barley summon the effort to be cross at each other when they do meet. Two of them have a token punch-up about midway through that has more the air of two blind people trying to politely get past each other in a crowded restaurant. It might have helped if it had been playable! But Halo 5's attitude seems to be that nothing ruins an action sequence faster than players. The game opens with the four members of the B-Team having a huge spectacular punch-up in a war zone, at which point I went, "HOLY, WOW! Look at that! The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caladonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don't know fighting other people I don't know for reasons unexplained could be as interesting." After all, I know the backstory for that stain. It was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched Free Willy for the first time. [328] Fallout 4 [ edit ] Bethesda RPGs are always deeply explorative, but never immersive. They make for some great screenshots, but the moment it has to start living and animating, you find it full of blank-eyed computer programs who struggle to navigate a six-lane highway without a carelessly-placed dog turd making their path-finding bugger up, and who have a weird habit of mysteriously vanishing in front of doors, which the doors always find so surprising that they momentarily forget how doors are supposed to work. [329] Devil's Third [ edit ] The quickest possible description for [Devil's Third] would be, "Poor Man's Metal Gear Solid," and I mean really poor; like the kind of Metal Gear Solid that was brewed from ketchup packets in a prison toilet. You know how Hideo Kojima's approach to including real world politics and history in his games is to read the first line of the Wikipedia page and then get bored and set a whale on fire? Devil's Third somehow does even less, and seems to have gotten its understanding of the world from what could be barked at it through the door-hatch as it was passed its morning bowl of gruel. How's this for -- let's charitably call it -- misguided: The main character is an inmate in Guantanamo Bay, which in this reality is an underground prison by way of Beyond Thunderdome populated exclusively by white, American Metallica enthusiasts. Anyway. I should probably tell you what genre of game Devil's Third is. Well, you can't pin it down as simply as that, as it drunkenly meanders between several different rooms of the Gameplay House like it just got in from a bender and can't remember where it left its kebab. It's a hack-n-slash, shooter, military, horror, character drama, bad fashion-sense simulator making the classic mistake that a bit of everything creates some kind of sumptuous buffet, when here in the real world one does not put cola cubes, live bait, and Mini Babybels in the same pick 'n' mix bag. Clearly, not enough of us gave our lives in the trenches of Ride to Hell: Retribution for everyone to learn that a brawler and a shooter don't get along in the same space. [330] The Witness & Bombshell [ edit ] The Witness is a new game by Jonathan Blow. Ironically, it sucks! Mneh-eh-eh-eh-obnoxious-laugh! "Awww, the mean ol' puzzles hurt Yahtzee-Boo-Boo's fragile little gamey-brainy-wain. Perhaps you'd be more suited to the kind of puzzle where you only draw straight lines connecting a shotgun barrel to a foreign insurgent's left testicle." HEY! Twat-Finder General! I solved the puzzles. I just wasn't having fun doing so. I completed the whole island, turned on all the laser beams, opened up the mountain to what I suspect was the final climactic area, and then the game threw fifteen more line-drawing puzzles at my face, and, frankly, fuck that! "Congratulations on getting through that bowl of dog food, player. Here's your reward: another helping of dog food." "Hey, Yahtzee," said Steam towards the end of the week. "Do you remember that announcement trailer you saw a while back for a game called Bombshell?" "I do indeed! It was one of the worst trailers I've ever seen. I think they made it by gluing poser models together with cold spunk!" "Oh... well, the game's out now." "Peachy-fucking-KEEN!" Gravity Rush [ edit ] I did hear the game was alright, but I wasn't gonna buy a fuckin' PS Vita to play it. That'd be like adopting an incontinent chimpanzee 'cause you fancy the lady who comes 'round to change his nappies. Thankfully, a remastered version of Gravity Rush came out last week for the PS 4, which I very much appreciate, because I'm sick of all this "mad people" privilege in modern society; they get all these exclusive games, they hog all the fun medications, and there seems to be a whole bunch of them running for president at the moment. [332] XCOM 2 [ edit ] Twenty years have passed since the last game, the Earth has come under the control of an oppressive alien regime fronted by a dorky human collaborator, and when the silent protagonist gets released from suspended animation the resistance can finally get started. Because no one was willing to get off their ass and defend themselves without the presence of this one gormless mute. But enough about the plot of Half-Life 2; let's talk about XCOM 2 instead. [333] Firewatch & Layers of Fear [ edit ] As for Layers of Fear, like P.T. , it's not much more than a showcase of spooky set pieces. But P.T. never claimed to be a complete game! Makes me think of Evil Within : you try to make an entire game out of a delusional nightmare sequence, and it gets boring 'cause it never lets up, and the nightmare becomes the norm. Bid us to sit down and pull the chair away as we do so, but don't keep doing it; do it once, then apologize, let us sit for a while, wait 'til we're calm, then throw spiders at our face and burn the house down! [334] Far Cry Primal [ edit ] You're in the wrong place if you're looking for an engaging plot, or indeed any plot. You might think the shit I described so far constitutes a plot, but you’d be wrong. The killer sabertooth tiger that sparks off the adventure we kill later on as one of the big hunt missions without even much prominence. I ousted both the rival tribes, who, I'll just reiterate, we aren't given much reason to oppose except that they'd also quite like to survive the winter. But the game still didn't end! This is the game that Ubisoft's sandboxes have been tacitly threatening to turn into for quite some time now: One where all sense of structural progress is kept as vague as possible for want of turning the game into a platform for a series of disconnected events and repetitive challenges, I suspect because it's easier for the inevitable fucking DLC to slot into like a bloodstained erection. But you know what, I'm with you, Ubisoft. Who needs some uppity creative trying to dictate to me how to experience their creation? I mean, where did the creators of Breaking Bad get off telling me I should watch season one before season two?! Oh, because I quote "won't understand what's going on?" You don't know me! And who does this Shakespeare motherfucker think he is, putting the pages in numbered order?! I am the master of my domain, I choose to shuffle them all up and read the text from right to left! [335] Tom Clancy's The Division [ edit ] Whenever a new Tom Clancy game comes out, I always have to double-check his Wikipedia page to make sure he's still dead. He's prolific for a corpse! We are a member of a secret government agency called "The Division", that consists of agents secretly inserted throughout the general population for... no particular reason, now being activated to go into ruined Manhattan and jolly well sort it out! 'Cause it turns out, Wayne LaPierre was right all along: the only thing that can stop a bad roving pack of murderous thugs is a good roving pack of murderous thugs. So let me see if I've got this straight, the corpse of Tom Clancy: We're a member of the secret police under no official scrutiny or accountability, and our job is to go into an area of civil unrest and murder dissenting citizens without trial, and it's not set in Stalinist Russia? "Now we can take these back to the people!" said my earpiece friend after a supply recovering mission. Sorry, which people were those again? Presumably not the people in whose corpses I now stand knee-deep? Oh right, you meant the "real" people; the ones that bowed and scraped when the government assassination squad showed up. See, the premise would have worked perfectly well if we'd just been some random citizen doing our bit to take back the city, Charles Bronson style, baby! The only thing the secret police thing adds is to make us less relatable and give hard-ons to the paranoid authoritarian lot, who want to believe that the government will finally sort out those intimidating young people who stand around outside their house talking loudly. If you ask me, the overt RPG mechanics make the game even more frighteningly tone-deaf. I mean, there are moments when certain characters beam down from Planet Sensible and call out the whole "unaccountable secret police" thing, and the game does present it like he's making a valid point. But then the cutscene ends and we go straight back to "Oh boy, time to fight some Level 20 disenfranchised citizens! Watch out for the elite enemies, they get more health from being extra disenfranchised!" The tone's all over the place. One moment you find an audio log of someone using the mummified corpses of their children to get the campfire started, the next you're talking to one of those wacky section commanders who all have a single hilarious personality quirk, like they keep talking about their TV career or how they used to work at the zoo jerking off polar bears. It's a big fat indicator that the game had nine different writers who spent the whole dev cycle locked in different toilet cubicles. [336] Uncharted 4: A Thief's End [ edit ] Uncharted 4 is very decisively the final game in the series about exploring marvelous lost cities in many exotic international locations, while controlling an insufferable, murdering pillock whose dialogue is ten percent smug quips and ninety percent exertion noises. And Uncharted 4 has concluded that the insufferable pillock is the part we're invested in. I feel this is making the same mistake as the new Tomb Raiders, trying to focus on the protagonist of the adventure story rather than the adventuring part. Claim to be invested in Laura Croft's character all you like, but you know you'd rather watch her outrunning an avalanche than talking earnestly about her commitment issues. I mean, strip the adventure out of Uncharted 4 and it's just "People With No Idea How to Communicate With Each Other: The Game"! I know that's kinda the point when Nathan Drake creates a rift with his wife, by not telling her he is going on an adventure, but towards the end when they are together again and are having a big reconnecting scene, these people who've been married for years still can't fucking communicate! All they do is quip and talk into their shoes; it makes me fucking cringe! I want to step in, shove them aside, and do the dialogue myself with sock puppets. If you dropped a Shakespearian character into the Uncharted universe, they would stand out like a neon-pink Johnny in a cucumber patch: Come join me now/ ye gentles all/ and crouch behind/ yon chest-high wall! I can't get up [Uncharted 4]'s ass too much, 'cause I know this is the kind of game I miss when I'm having to play shit like The Division and other games that one should be very strongly advised not to play prior to operating heavy machinery. I couldn't call Uncharted "boring", but it has now done all it can do, in which case: well done for ending it. And that's pretty conclusively ended, 'cause it's got the kind of epilogue you can't roll back from without a time machine or, more realistically, a particularly exorbitant check from Sony. [337] Mirror's Edge Catalyst [ edit ] The evil corporations are brewing an evil corporate scheme, and we can only hope that it's a scheme that can foiled by doing parkour at it. Yes, Mirror's Edge is a First Person Parkour-Em-Up, and the plot runs into the recurring issue that there are only so many situations that running somewhere very fast can assist with. The game's missions have many varied story reasons behind them, but in practical terms most of them are completed by running up to the right computer and mashing our hand on the screen. There's a memorable mission when Faith is working with the Resistance as they set out to kidnap some evil corporate type, a fairly significant development that drives most of what remains of the plot. But since at no point in the process of kidnapping someone does parkour become necessary, the whole thing takes place off-screen with Faith tasked to instead, open-quotes, "clear the path" by — you guessed it! — following a parkour path to a series of computers and mashing her hand on each screen. You get to listen to the kidnapping through your earpiece, as you gaze heavenwards and dream about what it would be to be the main character of this story. [338] Inside and Shadow of The Beast [ edit ] ...For a moment this week, the spirit of Summer of Arcade returned when the Xbone coughed up a spiritual successor to Limbo, the depressed self-harming beach babe of the 2010 frolics. So let's take a look inside... Er, sorry, I meant to say: Let's take a look at Inside. And that's going straight on to my list of game titles that are needlessly awkward to Google, alongside Fuse and Wet and Dead or Alive Xtreme 3, which is very awkward to Google if your girlfriend ever looks at your search history. Inside opens with a small child lost in a dark forest, and you are given the implied instruction to keep moving right until something tells you to stop. Nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, of course, but one could be forgiven for thinking at first glance that Playdead Studios have merely slapped a sporty red top on to the protagonist of Limbo and left it at that. It's an atmospheric puzzle/platformer of the child-lost-in-scary-world genre that remains even after all these years the fast track to indie acclaim. You have a "jump" button, and a "pull things" button, and you will die like a Game of Thrones supporting actor demanding a salary increase. But while the similarity to Limbo remains stark, things feel a little different when you start getting chased by dogs and scary men with flashlights, and we discover there's slightly more of a plot going on inside... I mean in Ins... Oh, fuck it! I'm just going to call it "Thatcher's Britain" from now on, all right? ...So it's a perfectly sound idea to try the recipe again with maybe one less cup of diarrhea and one more cup of God of War. And so, in Shadow of The Beast, we are the titular beast who resembles a purple dude wearing a Pokémon on his head. We were created as a living weapon by an evil sorcerer, we break free of their control, and proceed to murder our way through the sorcerer's minions to take up our list of grievances with the big baddie. So far, so good. Or rather, so far so God. Of War. Where the game tries to evoke the game that inspired it is in the combat, which is very much in the spirit of, "Keep pressing the 'punch' button." Enemies approach in single file from in front and back, and most of them can be instant-killed with one hit. What's the word for this strange feeling inside me, this cozy feeling of warmth and familiarity, that makes me feel like I'm in precisely the place where I'm most comfortable? Oh! I remember: Hatred. I hate this combat system. [339] The Technomancer [ edit ] Once the graduation's over, Zach starts work as a peace officer working with the evil ruling authority. So while I was at that point about as engaged as a dad chaperoning his daughter to a One Direction concert, I figured I was obliged to at least play as far as the bit where we get framed and the sinister authority turns against us, which anyone with the majority of their brain still inside their skull could see coming. Any game in which you start as a member of a sinister authority who interacts with poor people and suspiciously attractive revolutionaries will almost certainly contrive you to be no longer a member of the sinister authority before the second act, with the exception of modern warfare shooters, where you usually stay in the sinister authority and French-kiss assault rifles for six hours. [340] I Am Setsuna [ edit ] I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to one of the user-defined tags that was attached to this game on Steam: "Story Rich." I take slight issue with it, because you don't get "Story Rich" just from mugging Final Fantasy X in an alley-way and nicking their wallet; Final Fantasy X itself is only story rich in Zimbabwean Dollars. Thankfully, I Am Setsuna only nicks the pilgrimage plot-device and not the rest of Final Fantasy X's plot, and the player character, as far as I know, isn't a ghost-footballer from the future. Which brings me to the second user tag I want to bring up: "Female Protagonist", an outright stinking lie because the player character is a mercenary who becomes Setsuna's guardian. Setsuna's the important one, yes, and you can rearrange the party to put Setsuna in the vanguard if you feel you need a human shield, but it's still the mercenary whose dialogue we choose, when we make the recurring vital decision between agreeing with Setsuna or slightly sarcastically agreeing with Setsuna. Perhaps there's an argument to be made that the playable character needn't necessarily be the protagonist of the story, but if I'm honest I don't want Setsuna to be the protagonist because she's wetter than a fishing trip to Seattle. Setsuna's so fucking sweet and forgiving she gives me ice cream headache, but there's a point where we go beyond naively trusting into the realms of mental handicap; when she insists on you joining her party the only thing she knows about you is that you're a hired killer, specifically hired to kill her. "Oh player-san, I feel so comfortable around your upraised dagger and coppery stench of blood money." I made myself laugh again by imagining Setsuna meeting a rabid grizzly bear. "Oh, I just know there's goodness in your heart, Mr. Tufty." RAWR! MAUL! MAUL! [341] Deus Ex: Mankind Divided [ edit ] In the aftermath of the climax of the previous game, when someone drove all the mechanically augmented humans kill-crazy by doing the equivalent of posting an honest review of the new Ghostbusters on the Internet, humanity is reeling from the attack and the augmented humans are regarded with fear and suspicion on the off-chance that something might flip the crazy murderer switch again at any moment. So welcome to Episode 2 of the Clumsiest Racism Analogy in All of Speculative Fiction. You can't split humanity into augmented and not-augmented because having oven-hobs instead of nipples is not a trait unique to specific families (unless babies are having their legs snapped off as they emerge from the womb and replaced with shelf brackets) to say nothing of the fact that you can't make the "few bad apples" argument if literally every augmented person went off their hydraulic cyber-trolleys and a certain amount of fear might be justified if no one knows that the insane murderer switch isn't still lying around somewhere for some family dog to accidentally trip while rubbing his ass on the carpet. Hey, remember how in the original Deus Ex augmented humans were a pretty small minority and no one made much of a fuss about them because hey, turns out a bloke with JCBs lodged in his armpits is a useful thing to have in peace-keeping force or when some furniture needs assembling and that most of the conflict in the setting of that game was rooted in the divide between rich and poor and insidious population control orchestrated by corporate interests and the media? "Oh, no! Such themes would be completely irrelevant in the current climate, especially since triple-A game publishers haven't finished paying all the installments on their nuclear-equipped supervillain bunker on the moon. Let's just make it all about the people putting sandwich toasters in their kneecaps." [342] Metroid Prime: Federation Force [ edit ] Who the fuck turns to the 3DS for their online multiplayer-focused games?! I'd nominate a more suitable platform, but my list basically starts with "All of them!" I have formulated a theory. From the things we hear in the missing briefings about how Samus Aran has been running around offscreen being the best at everything, Federation Force feels like The Darkness II-style co-op campaign running in parallel to the plot of the main single player campaign that isn't actually there. So maybe there was an actual Metroid Prime 3DS game being developed at some point that had the shitty multiplayer mode that must exist as part of the game industry's pact with Satan, but resources ran thin and something had to be cut out, so they cut the single player campaign because the crazy-pills salesman came around that morning giving out free samples. And then someone said, "Wait, people will be annoyed about this decision." And their boss popped another crazy pill and said, "You're right! We'd better put in a soccer mini-game to mollify them. After all, the kind of fanboys who wasted their tender years learning to speedrun Metroid on the slim promise of pixel tittie are also notoriously keen on team sports." [343] Mafia III [ edit ] ...The game opens with a very Assassin's Creed-esque disclaimer to the effect of: "A lot of people are going to be saying very horrible racist things in this game, but please understand we had to put all that in to accurately bring the era to life. And when you think about it, not putting it in would've been even more racist. Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way: Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, coon, coon, spic!" I get that the 60's Deep South literally was more cartoonishly bigoted than a 2016 presidential candidate, but having granted themselves the all-clear to say the "N-Word", I suspect that the writer started slightly getting off on doing so. I'm not one to judge; I'm going to say the word "retard" right now for literally no reason. But don't get all hand-wringingly sanctimonious about it when your game also contains Italian gangsters with tommy-guns who talk like they're never more than three wise-cracks away from bursting into a song from Bugsy Malone! By the end of the game, I was struggling to remember why we were supposed to hate the main bad guy. He killed about 0.01% of the people we've killed and had been running a bunch of naughty crime rackets (which we've proceeded to take over and not change in any way), but he also had an overarching, sinister, diabolical scheme! ...To set up a legitimate business, leave the criminal life behind, and create a future for his children. Oh, hang on, he does say "nigger" once or twice. Well, okay then, say no more: Let's drive his harmless, old ass to suicide to show how much more enlightened we are these days! [345] Battlefield 1 [ edit ] World War I was a conflict without clear heroes or villains; just millions upon millions of young men being sent to tragic, pointless deaths in the name of nothing but an international game of political bum-bouncing, so there'll need to be a thoughtful, more morally complex approach to the storytelling. "What was that?" cries Battlefield 1 again. "Sorry, we were busy making a story campaign about rugged, English-speaking fancy-boys squinting heroically into the middle distance as they mow down dastardly, jabbering Krauts by the hundreds!" I wouldn't harp, but there's this whole bit in the introduction where an American and a German soldier lock gaze over a field strewn with bodies, and both lower their weapons in recognition of their inner humanity that can never be erased by a system that sees them as naught but expendable cogs; and then, five minutes later, it's back to "Phwor! Massacring expendable cogs sure is fun, 'eh lads?!" Even if you're playing as the German side of the multiplayer, the bloke on the briefing menu talks with zat very smug and efil German foice, ve vill punish zese stoopid Amerikan Kowboys for ze Glory of ze Kaiser! Mmmmmm... [346] Let It Die [ edit ] Let It Die kicks off with a skateboarding grim reaper wearing funky sunglasses, which is an image that leaps straight off the front cover of The Complete Dullard's Guide to Creativity. See, it's a traditionally grim thing acting in a lively and light-hearted way. That's almost as clever as putting a hat on a dog. "Shit on a midget mince biscuit! A dog in a hat?! DOGS DON'T WEAR HATS! I hope the government are keeping a watchful eye on this dangerous subversive." [The game] assigns more than one commands to some buttons like it's passive-aggressively trying to get them married. You throw your current inventory item by touching the track pad and eat it by touching the trackpad in a subtly different way. And I'm sure you can imagine there's very little overlap between "Things you want to throw at people" and "Things you want to eat"; the list starts and ends with "custard pies", and there aren't a whole lot of custard pies in the Tower of Barbs. You also cycle your inventory by touching the trackpad in a third subtly different way. Blimey, this is like trying to seduce your lady friend in a darkened cinema, and discovering that all along you were fingering her bacon sandwich. After my best character died and had no continues, I needed to pay in-game money to resurrect him instead, for you see, permadeath is only a thing that poor people have to worry about. But to make that money I had to grind with my second best avatar. But but his stats were lower and I got him killed as well. So I had to grind up with my third best to bring him back so I could continue grinding up to bring my best one back. And that's when I knew I had to get out before I got caught in an inescapable vortex of failure. I learned that lesson from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Dead Rising 4 [ edit ] The first thing you need to know, is that Dead Rising 4 doesn't have a fixed time limit or mission deadlines; you, know, the thing that every Dead Rising has and what makes them interesting, and is as much a part of Dead Rising as the sense of betrayal is part of getting kicked in the balls by your beloved horse! What it does have is linear sequences of missions that will still be waiting for you, even if you sit down in the mud outside and make daisy-chains for elven hours. You, know, the way every bloody sandbox game works. Dead Rising has taken the part of innovation that entails doing the shit that everyone else does; which is innovative in the same sense a grey goo scenario is innovative. "Oh, wow! My legs has been harvested by a ravenous, unstoppable nano-swarm! This will add an intriguing new twist to the upcoming line-dancing tournament!" I shouldn't have to explain that time limits were there to add a unique challenge! Yes, it could occasionally get in the way of trying on hilarious BBQ aprons and tricycling down the escalator, but isn't that cathartic fun all the more satisfying when we know we have parcelled our time to allow for a quick BBQ apron session in between making progress and not just cocking about? Now, doing nothing but comparing Dead Rising 4 to its predecessors would be a stubborn, cheerless and counterproductive to do; so let's keep doing it! Hey, remember how the boss-fights with psychos used to be elaborate and interesting with colourful characters and unique attacks? Well, instead of that, now you fight generic dudes in silly outfits with slightly longer health bars. Another wonderful "innovation" to the format! "Oh, look, the grey goo has eaten my arms now as well! What a perfect opportunity to learn how to balance things on my nose!" Alright, fine! Dead Rising 4 introduces a couple of new mechanics: you can equip powered armour in order to continue doing the same zombie-splattering you've been doing all along, except with slightly more defence. And there are stealth mechanics now, and — holy shit — I just thought of another word that doesn't belong anywhere near Dead Rising! Stealth is for characters that isn't carrying around three dynamite crossbows and a giant, acid-spewing hammer, thank you very much! To me, stealth mode was just a "walk obnoxiously slowly" button that I only ever pressed because I forgot that it wasn't the sprint.	i don't know
Who wrote the poem ‘Funeral Blues’ (Stop All the Clocks)?	W. H. Auden, "Stop all the clocks . . ." Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone W. H. Auden Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.	W. H. Auden
Phan Xi Pang is the highest mountain in which country?	Analysis of 'Stop All The Clocks' by W. H. Auden - GCSE English - Marked by Teachers.com Analysis of 'Stop All The Clocks' by W. H. Auden Extracts from this document... Introduction Daniel Lawson 9BXAPP 4 ? Poetry AnalysisTuesday 17th April 2012 ?Stop all the clocks?, also known as ?Funeral Blues?, is a poem by the Anglo-American poet, Wystan Hugh Auden, more commonly known as W.H. Auden. Although the poem may seem as though it was written as a result of a personal loss of the poet, he actually originally wrote it for a play he co-wrote with Christopher Isherwood, ?The Ascent of F6?. It was to be a satiric, parody for a politician?s eulogy, however is now more commonly known as a result of it being accurate to relate to people who truly grieve. The version of the poem used in the play was a 5-stanza version, although the current version is only 4 stanzas long. It is famous for being used in the film, ?Four Weddings and a Funeral?. Even though W.H. Auden did not write the poem as a result of a loss he had experienced himself, he did have a loved one who was a man, as he was homosexual, although he was also married to a woman during his lifetime. Loss is an extremely popular topic for stories, poems, movies and many other forms of entertainment. Sometimes, loss can be an extremely boring topic, especially due to its frequent usage, however W. H. Auden represents loss in an extremely passionate way through empathy in this poem. ...read more. Middle The ?moaning? could also be linked with the events occurring at the funeral service; the sadness and lamenting of the mourners. The aeroplanes mentioned on line 5, on the next line are, ?Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead?. The verb ?scribbling? may have been used intentionally to differ from normally writing it to ?scribbling? on the sky, possibly because the people are so distraught they cannot control themselves enough to write neatly. When written in the sky, it is available for everyone to see the distressing news. Capitalisation of the words ?He Is Dead? could be significant in indicating that the person was of similar authority to a deity. More symbolism for the elaborate funeral procession include ??crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves/Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves?. These are not generally apparent at a funeral; however in this instance, incorporating them into the funeral procession emphasises the poet?s requirement for public mourning. The traffic policemen would not normally be invited to the funeral, or even take any notice of the passing, but this reinforces how tragic his death is to the world. These couple of lines also illustrate the rhyme scheme used throughout the poem, which is AABB. This rhyme scheme creates a steady beat, a rhythm which sets the poem?s pace quite slow, appropriate for the depressing and melancholy mood that the poet wants the reader to experience. ...read more. Conclusion The final line of the poem really sums up the poet?s feelings in the stage of depression. ?For nothing now can ever come to any good.? The death of the man has caused such extreme devastation for the poet that he can no longer see any good in the world and has resorted to extreme pessimism. This emphasise the melancholy tone present throughout the entire poem, along with the finality of live and purpose, similar to the death of his lover. The main ratiocination of this poem of this poem is that it uses various techniques to establish a connection between pet and reader so the reader can easily empathise with the poet in his time of grieving. Not only does the reader feel the pain that the poet is going through from his vivid imagery, but he can respect him for the difficult period of life he is going through. In my opinion, loss affects everyone differently and everybody has experiences of loss, no matter how small of big the loss was, or how much devastation it caused. I think this poem is very successful in conveying how an extremely big loss can affect a person, especially informing people who haven?t experienced loss on such a large scale themselves. Particularly as W. H. Auden hadn?t actually lost anyone himself, he is evidently extremely intelligent for being capable of pulling off such a mammoth task. ...read more. The above preview is unformatted text This student written piece of work is one of many that can be found in our GCSE Other Poets section. Found what you're looking for? Start learning 29% faster today 150,000+ documents available	i don't know
Red Connors is the sidekick of which fictional Wild West hero?	Hopalong Cassidy (TV Series 1952–1954) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. Error Hopalong and his horse Topper catch bad guys with Red Connors for comic relief. Stars: Soon after Hoppy and Red arrive where the murderous outlaws operate with impunity and precision in lawless Canyon City to help sheriff Barnett the mark of the vigilante, 3-7-77, starts to appear at ... 8.3 When Ted Gray is attacked by Martinez for lying about receipt of mortgage money, his uncle Ollie states he will foreclose and then Ollie is found murdered with several pieces of clear evidence ... 8.0 An Indian agent asks Hoppy to help persuade an Indian chief to reveal the location where crude oil can be found on the land's surface. The country will be opened to settlement and unless the tribe ... 7.8 a list of 39 titles created 19 Feb 2014 a list of 35 titles created 22 Feb 2014 a list of 112 titles created 23 Oct 2015 a list of 90 titles created 11 months ago a list of 500 titles created 7 months ago Search for " Hopalong Cassidy " on Amazon.com Connect with IMDb Title: Hopalong Cassidy (1952–1954) 7.9/10 Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. The adventures of the masked hero and his Native American partner. Stars: Jay Silverheels, Clayton Moore, John Hart The Double R Ranch featured "The King of the Cowboys" Roy, his "Smartest Horse in the Movies" Trigger, "Queen of the West" Dale, her horse Buttermilk, their dog Bullet, and even Pat's jeep, Nellybelle. Stars: Dale Evans, Roy Rogers, Trigger The Cisco Kid and his English-mangling sidekick Pancho travel the old west in the grand tradition of the Lone Ranger, righting wrongs and fighting injustice wherever they find it. Stars: Duncan Renaldo, Leo Carrillo, Troy Melton Marshal Matt Dillon keeps the peace in the rough and tumble Dodge City. Stars: James Arness, Milburn Stone, Amanda Blake Neighbor Blanche Morton frequently joins Gracie in escapades which annoy hubby Harry and provide George with an opportunity to offer a humorous soliloquy. Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Bea Benaderet The submarine Seaview is commissioned to investigate the mysteries of the seas. Usually it finds more problems than answers... Stars: Richard Basehart, David Hedison, Robert Dowdell A Civil War veteran with a sawed-off rifle as a holstered weapon makes a living as a bounty hunter in the Wild West of the 1870s. Stars: Steve McQueen, Wright King, Olan Soule Marshal Earp keeps the law, first in Kansas and later in Arizona, using his over-sized pistols and a variety of sidekicks. Most of the saga is based loosely on fact, with historical badguys... See full summary » Stars: Hugh O'Brian, Jimmy Noel, Ethan Laidlaw Frontier hero Daniel Boone conducts surveys and expeditions around Boonesborough, running into both friendly and hostile Indians, just before and during the Revolutionary War. Stars: Fess Parker, Patricia Blair, Darby Hinton Stories of the journeys of a wagon train as it leaves post-Civil War Missouri on its way to California through the plains, deserts and Rocky Mountains. The first treks were led by gruff, ... See full summary » Stars: Frank McGrath, Terry Wilson, Robert Horton Two scientists with a secret time travel project find themselves trapped in the time stream and appearing in notable periods of history. Stars: James Darren, Robert Colbert, Whit Bissell Mike Nelson is a Scuba Diver in the days when it was still very new. He works alone and the plot was always mostly carried through his voice over narrations. These gave the show a flavor of... See full summary » Stars: Lloyd Bridges, Ken Drake, Courtney Brown Mono (Western Electric Sound System) Color: Did You Know? Trivia William Boyd insisted on speaking grammatical English during this series, because he knew so many children would be watching and wanted to set a good example. See more » Connections Correction on Hoppy revival on television 12 April 2009 \| by mike-newton30 (United States) – See all my reviews One of your bloggers makes the comment that the Hopalong Cassidy films began running on television as early as 1945. Obviously they haven't done their research because (1) television sets were not put on the market for public use until 1947 and Boyd did not begin running his films until mid summer of 1948. Boyd was still making theatrical pictures in 1944, and then went on tour with Cole Brothers Circus for two seasons until 1946, when he began producing his own series for United Artists. These films co-starred Andy Clyde and Rand Brooks. When the series ended, Boyd hocked everything he had to gain the rights to Hopalong Cassidy. His old movies began running on NBC in June, 1948. The statement that Hoppy movies were being seen on television originally came from a video documentary on early television cowboys, featuring Will "Sugarfoot" Hutchins. 7 of 9 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes	Hopalong Cassidy
On a standard dartboard, what number lies between 2 and 10?	Cowboy Codes Of The West Cowboy Codes Of The West Cowboy Codes Of The West Gene Autry's Code of Honor A cowboy never takes unfair advantage - even of an enemy. A cowboy never betrays a trust. He never goes back on his word. A cowboy always tells the truth. A cowboy is kind and gentle to small children, old folks, and animals. A cowboy is free from racial and religious intolerances. A cowboy is always helpful when someone is in trouble. A cowboy is always a good worker. A cowboy respects womanhood, his parents and his nation's laws. A cowboy is clean about his person in thought, word, and deed. A cowboy is a Patriot. Many of us grew up absorbing the Code of the West from our matinee cowboys, such as Gene Autry, Hopalong Cassidy, Wild Bill Hickok, The Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers, and The Texas Rangers. Sometimes, they even spelled it out for us, so return with us now to those days of yesteryear and listen to our cowboy heroes' codes, creeds, oaths, prayers, and rules. Gene Autry rode off into the sunset in his final Hollywood picture, Last of the Pony Ride (1953). During his entire film career, the cowboy star remained in first or second place at the box office until he retired from motion pictures in 1953. He had made nearly 100 movies, basically playing himself-an American cowboy hero, a tough gentleman who possessed tremendous common sense, kind to women and a good friend - which audiences loved. Gene Autry was the recipient of hundreds of honors and awards. Autry turned to the small screen and had his own television show, "The Gene Autry Show" (CBS, 1950-'56). With its emphasis on the work ethic and patriotism, the Cowboy Code adequately captures the seemingly-benign, though unapologetically sexist values animating the juvenile westerns of America's Cold-War culture. But "Thou Shall Not Kill" is noticeably missing from Autry's Ten Commandments - and this omission would later come to be the source of much public concern. Based on his beliefs and personal integrity, he established the "Cowboy Code of Ethics" for viewers. Gene Autry helped to establish the "Cowboy Code of Honor" that incorporated many noble behaviors. Autry retired from show business in 1964, having made almost 100 films up to 1955 and over 600 records. He was elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1969 and to the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame in 1970. After retiring, he invested widely and in real estate, radio, and television, including the purchase from dying Republic Pictures the rights for films he had made for the company. In 1952, Autry bought the old Monogram Ranch in Placerita Canyon (Newhall-Santa Clarita, California,) and renamed it Melody Ranch. Numerous "B" Westerns and TV shows were shot there during Autry's ownership, including the initial years of Gunsmoke with James Arness. The world mourned when the legendary cowboy passed away in 1998. The Lone Ranger Creed I believe that to have a friend, a man must be one. That all men are created equal and that everyone has within himself the power to make this a better world. That God put the firewood there, but that every man must gather and light it himself. In being prepared physically, mentally, and morally to fight when necessary for that which is right. That a man should make the most of what equipment he has. That "this government, of the people, by the people, and for the people," shall live always. That men should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. That sooner or later...somewhere...somehow...we must settle with the world and make payment for what we have taken. That all things change, but the truth, and the truth alone lives on forever. I believe in my Creator, my country, my fellow man. In every incarnation of the character to date, the Lone Ranger has conducted himself by a strict moral code. This code was written by the shows original writer Fran Striker at the inception of the character. He first appeared in 1933 in a radio show conceived either by WXYZ (Detroit) radio station owner George W. Trendle, or by Fran Striker. The character was originally believed to be inspired by Texas Ranger Captain John R. Hughes, to whom the book "The Lone Star Ranger" by Zane Grey was dedicated in 1915. The radio series proved to be a hit and spawned a series of books (largely written by Striker), an equally popular television show that ran from 1949 to 1957, comic books, and several movies. A much more well known and influential adaptation of the Lone Ranger was the (1949-1957) television series starring Clayton Moore (though with John Hart as the Lone Ranger from 1952-1954) and Jay Silverheels as Tonto. The live-action TV series initially featured Gerald Mohr as the episode narrator. He was also narrator for seven episodes of the radio series in 1949, 1950 and 1952. Fred Foy served as both narrator and announcer of the radio series from 1948 to its finish, and became announcer of the TV version when story narration was dropped there. Actors Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels, taking their positions as role models to children very seriously, also tried their best to live by this creed. Moore often was quoted as saying he had "fallen in love with the Lone Ranger character" and strove in his personal life to take The Lone Ranger Creed to heart. This, coupled with his very public fight to retain the right to wear the mask, ultimately elevated him in the public's eyes to an American folk icon. In keeping with the nature of the Ranger character, Moore chose to always protect the Ranger's identity and therefore is probably the only actor, or one of very few to have achieved his level of fame, whose face is largely unknown to the public. His full face was never shown in the TV series, although occasionally he would don a disguise and affect an accent, revealing the upper half of his face in the process. However, there is no shortage of photos of Moore unmasked, including many in his autobiography. His many fans though could easily identify him by his instantly recognizable voice. The Lone Ranger was a TV show that aired for eight seasons, from 1949 to 1957, and starred Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger and Jay Silverheels as Tonto. Only five of the eight seasons had new episodes. It was the ABC television network's first big hit of the early 1950s. Moore's tenure as the Ranger is probably the best-known treatment of the franchise. Moore was replaced in the third season by John Hart, but he returned for the final two seasons. The fifth and final season was the only one shot in color. A total of 221 episodes were made. Hopalong Cassidy's Creed The highest badge of honor a person can wear is honesty. Be truthful at all times. Your parents are the best friends you have. Listen to them and obey their instructions. If you want to be respected, you must respect others. Show good manners in every way. Only through hard work and study can you succeed. Don't be lazy. Your good deeds always come to light. So don't boast or be a show-off. If you waste time or money today, you will regret it tomorrow. Practice thrift in all ways. Many animals are good and loyal companions. Be friendly and kind to them. A strong, healthy body is a precious gift. Be neat and clean. Our country's laws are made for your protection. Observe them carefully. Children in many foreign lands are less fortunate than you. Be glad and proud you are an American. On June 24, 1949, Hoppy became the first network Western television series, airing on NBC. At first NBC fashioned the shows out of the films after paying Boyd, who owned the TV rights to his films, a quarter-million dollars for them. The footage later shot for the TV series starred Boyd, with Edgar Buchanan as his sidekick "Red Connors" and numerous tie-ins. The theme music for the TV show was written by veteran songwriters Nacio Herb Brown (music) and L. Wolfe Gilbert (lyrics). The show ranked number 7 in the 1949 Nielsen ratings. William Boyd gave generously to children's charities and it wasn't unusual to see him, resplendent on his Hoppy regalia, unexpectedly appear in a children's hospital, making his way through the wards. During personal appearances, he was Hopalong Cassidy in the flesh and not William Boyd in costume. The two had become so synonymous that when Boyd died in 1972, a number of obituaries actually identified the departed as Hopalong Cassidy. To the public, and to Boyd, the two men were one. Legend has it that William Boyd hated kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. His own son had died of pneumonia in the early 20s and he had mourned the boy for years. As Hoppy, Boyd dedicated his life to children, even writing "Hopalong Cassidy's Creed for American Boys and Girls". The Hopalong Cassidy films became a network broadcast over NBC, and early Sunday evenings became 'Hoppy night'. For the 1952-53 and 1953-54 seasons, there were 52 half-hour Hoppy adventures. A dozen were created (condensed) from the later United Artists films with Andy Clyde and Rand Brooks. And 40 brand new half hour shows were lensed and featured Edgar Buchanan as 'Red Connors'. The end result of all this air time was that Boyd and the Hoppy character were more popular than ever. In addition to TV, Boyd did circuses, rodeos, personal appearance tours, hospital visits, et al. He was on the covers of magazines such as Life, Look and TV Guide. As to William Boyd the man, he had gone through a personal transformation and re-awakening. A few years prior to his passing, Boyd had cancer surgery. On June 5, 1937, he and actress Grace Bradley tied the knot, and the result was a happy pairing that continued through Boyd's death in 1972 of heart problems and parkinson's disease. Over the years, William Lawrence Boyd --- and his version of the Hopalong Cassidy character --- blended together to became one and the same. The parents and kiddies of the time loved him. And through personal appearances and such, Boyd returned that love and adoration --- you could see it in his face and smile and hear it when he belted out one of his great laughs. Many kids who grew up in the late 1940s and early 1950s owe some of their personal values and beliefs to William Boyd. That's his greatest accomplishment. Roy Rogers Riders Club Rules Be neat and clean. Protect the weak and help them. Be brave, but never take chances. Study hard and learn all you can. Be kind to animals and care for them. Eat all your food and never waste any. Love God and go to Sunday School regularly. Always respect our flag and our country. Roy Rogers Prayer Lord, I reckon I'm not much just by myself, I fail to do a lot of things I ought to do. But Lord, when trails are steep and passes high, Help me ride it straight the whole way through. And when in the falling dusk I get that final call, I do not care how many flowers they send, Above all else, the happiest trail would be For YOU to say to me, "Let's ride, My Friend" I belong to that generation that remembers Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Roy and Dale's famous theme song, which Dale wrote and they sang as a duet to sign off their television show, was Happy trails to you, Until we meet again... As a kid I was well exposed not only to their music and movies, but to their philosophy. Kids like me actually joined the Roy Rogers Riders Club and we lived by these rules. During the 1950s, there were no more beloved heroes than Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. They were role models for millions of children throughout the world. He stood for everything that was good. Rogers and Evans were also well known as advocates for adoption and as founders and operators of children's charities. They adopted several children. Both were outspoken Christians. In Apple Valley, California, where they made their home, numerous streets and highways as well as civic buildings have been named after them in recognition of their efforts on behalf of homeless and handicapped children. In June 1933 met Grace Arline Wilkins at a Roswell, New Mexico radio station. They were married in Roswell, New Mexico on June 11, 1936 after having corresponded since their first meeting. In 1941, the couple adopted a girl, Cheryl Darlene. Two years later, Arline bore daughter Linda Lou. She bore Roy Jr. ("Dusty") in 1946, but died of complications from the birth a few days later, on November 3. Rogers had met Dale Evans in 1944 when they were cast in a film together. They fell in love soon after Arline's death and Rogers proposed to her during a rodeo at Chicago Stadium. They married on New Year's Eve in 1947 at the Flying L Ranch in Davis, Oklahoma, where they had filmed Home in Oklahoma a few months earlier. Rogers was an active Freemason and a Shriner, and was noted for his support of their charities. When Rogers died of congestive heart failure on July 6, 1998, he was residing in Apple Valley, California. He was buried at Sunset Hills Memorial Park in Apple Valley, as was his wife, Dale Evans, three years later. "Deputy Ranger" Oath Live Cleanly. Have Faith in God. When asked how many Texas Rangers should be sent to quell a problem the traditional rule and motto of the service was "One Riot, One Ranger." This was not done out of a sense of frugality, but rather the statement proclaimed that the Texas Ranger was so good and in control that it only took one duly authorized Ranger to get the job done. A number of TV programs featured Texas Ranger characters including Tales Of The Texas Ranger CBS-ABC 1955-59 starring Willard Parker and Harry Lauter; Texas John Slaughter ABC 1958-61 starring Tom Tyron; Trackdown CBS 1957-59 starring Robert Culp; Laredo NBC 1965-67 starring Neville Brand, Peter Brown, William Smith, and Philip Carey; and Walker, Texas Ranger CBS 1993-2001 starring Chuck Norris. Originally airing on NBC Radio from 1950 to 1952 and later on CBS Television from 1955 to 1958. The radio shows were reenactments of actual Texas Ranger cases. The television version was produced and also directed for several episodes by Stacy Keach, Sr. It was sponsored for part of its run by Wheaties cereal. Captain Manuel T. "Lone Wolf" Gonzaullas, who was said to have killed thirty-one men during his 30-year career as a Texas Ranger, was the consultant for the television series, as he had been for the earlier radio series. The television version was filmed by Screen Gems. In the television version, Willard Parker assumed the role of Jace Pearson and had a regular partner, Ranger Clay Morgan, who had been an occasional character on the radio show. Morgan was portrayed in the television version by Harry Lauter. During the opening and closing credits of the television series, the actors march toward the camera as an off-screen men's chorus sings the theme song, "These Are Tales of Texas Rangers", to the tune of "The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You" and "I've Been Working on the Railroad". The radio series used contemporary cases and modern detective methods to solve crimes; it was a procedural drama, in many ways Jack Webb's Dragnet with a western flavor. The television version had some episodes set in the 1950s. Other episodes were set in the 19th century in a traditional western genre. In each case, Parker and Lauter were involved with chases and shoot-outs. The code was developed for TV viewers, especially the kids watching, on how to be a better person. Deputy Marshal's Code of Conduct I will be brave, but never careless. I will obey my parents. They DO know best. I will be neat and clean at all times. I will be polite and courteous. I will protect the weak and help them. I will study hard. I will be kind to animals and care for them. I will respect my flag and my country. I will attend my place of worship regularly. The Adventures of Wild Bill Hickok was a western action series about a U.S. Marshall and his 300 pound sidekick who brought bad guys to justice in the old west. The TV show was nominated for "Best Western or Adventure Series" in 1955. Guy Madison (1922-1996) will be forever linked to “Wild Bill Hickok”, the smash hit TV series that ran in syndication from April 15, 1951, to May 16, 1958, for 113 half hour episodes. (It was also seen later on CBS and ABC in reruns.) Madison signed on to be TV’s “Wild Bill Hickok” just when juvenile westerns with Roy, Gene, Hoppy and Cisco were proliferating on the airwaves. Guy struck gold, Hickok not only restored Guy’s popularity, it brought him a whole new television audience. As Wild Bill, Guy wore a fanciful, fringed buckskin shirt, a reverse draw brace of six-guns, rode an Appaloosa (Buckshot) and had overweight Andy Devine (1905-1977) as his gravel-voiced sidekick Jingles P. Jones (“Hey Wild Bill—Wait for me!”). Jingles would always introduce him as "The bravest, strongest, fightingest U.S. Marshall in the whole west! This was pure shoot-‘em-up fiction “Wild Bill Hickok” never attempted to bring any historical reality to the series. The series, executive produced by William F. Broidy (1915-1959) through Monogram/Allied Artists facilities, began in b/w, switched to color after four seasons (61 episodes), then back to b/w for season six (Ep. #75-87). Season seven in 1956 (#88-100) was in color again. After a one year layoff in production (reruns of the first 100 filled the air), another 13 color episodes were produced in 1958 by new owner Screen Gems. Simultaneously, Guy and Andy appeared as Wild Bill Hickok and Jingles on Mutual Radio from May ‘51-December ‘54 and again from February ‘55-February ‘56. At one point their show was on three times a week for Kellogg Cereals. The Wild Bill Hickok Deputy Marshal's Code of Conduct were the kinds of codes often drawn up to impress and influence the behavior of boys who become enamored of the cowboy ideal (or at least used to). It's an ideal akin to the noble qualities of the "perfect, gentle knight," the kind of man who "loved truth and honor, freedom and courtesy" as described by the great English poet Geoffrey Chaucer in his Canterbury Tales. George Walker Bush was born July 6, 1946 and grew up absorbing these codes. Maybe that's why he's called a cowboy. You don't have to have been born in cowboy country to understand and practice its code.	i don't know
What relation was German-born British painter Lucian Freud to Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud?	Lucian Freud - definition of Lucian Freud by The Free Dictionary Lucian Freud - definition of Lucian Freud by The Free Dictionary http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Lucian+Freud Austrian-born British psychoanalyst noted for her application of psychoanalysis to child therapy. Freud , Sigmund 1856-1939. Austrian physician and founder of psychoanalysis who theorized that the symptoms of hysterical patients represent forgotten and unresolved infantile psychosexual conflicts. His psychoanalytic theories, which initially met with hostility, profoundly influenced 20th-century thought. Freud (frɔɪd) n 1. (Biography) Anna. 1895–1982, Austrian psychiatrist: daughter of Sigmund Freud and pioneer of child psychoanalysis 2. (Biography) Sir Clement. 1924–2009, British broadcaster, writer, politician, and chef; best known as a panellist on the radio game show Just a Minute; grandson of Sigmund Freud 3. (Biography) Lucian. 1922–2011, British painter, esp of nudes and portraits; grandson of Sigmund Freud 4. (Biography) Sigmund (ˈziːkmʊnt). 1856–1939, Austrian psychiatrist; originator of psychoanalysis, based on free association of ideas and analysis of dreams. He stressed the importance of infantile sexuality in later development, evolving the concept of the Oedipus complex. His works include The Interpretation of Dreams (1900) and The Ego and the Id (1923) Freud	Grandchild
Saqqara is an ancient burial site in which country?	Freud \| Define Freud at Dictionary.com Freud [froid; German froit] /frɔɪd; German frɔɪt/ Spell Anna, 1895–1982, British psychoanalyst, born in Austria (daughter of Sigmund Freud). 2. Lucian, 1932–2011, British painter, born in Germany; grandson of Sigmund Freud. 3. Sigmund [sig-muh nd;; German zeekh-moo nt] /ˈsɪg mənd;; German ˈzix mʊnt/ (Show IPA), 1856–1939, Austrian neurologist: founder of psychoanalysis. Related forms Examples from the Web for Freud Expand Contemporary Examples Freud said he had never thought about having so many children—when asked by Greig “Did you want children?” British Dictionary definitions for Freud Expand Anna. 1895–1982, Austrian psychiatrist: daughter of Sigmund Freud and pioneer of child psychoanalysis 2. Sir Clement. 1924–2009, British broadcaster, writer, politician, and chef; best known as a panellist on the radio game show Just a Minute; grandson of Sigmund Freud 3. Lucian. 1922–2011, British painter, esp of nudes and portraits; grandson of Sigmund Freud 4. Sigmund (ˈziːkmʊnt). 1856–1939, Austrian psychiatrist; originator of psychoanalysis, based on free association of ideas and analysis of dreams. He stressed the importance of infantile sexuality in later development, evolving the concept of the Oedipus complex. His works include The Interpretation of Dreams (1900) and The Ego and the Id (1923) Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 2012 Digital Edition © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2012	i don't know
What is the medical term for the condition in which one or both of the testes fail to descend from the abdomen to the scrotum?	Undescended testicles \| definition of Undescended testicles by Medical dictionary Undescended testicles \| definition of Undescended testicles by Medical dictionary http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Undescended+testicles cryptorchidism [krip-tor´kid-izm] failure of one or both of the testes to descend into the scrotum. As the unborn male child develops, the testes first appear in the abdomen at about the level of the kidneys. They develop at this site, and in approximately the seventh month of fetal life start to descend to the upper part of the groin. From there they move into the inguinal canal and then, normally, into the scrotum. In its descent, a testis may sometimes be halted in the abdomen or within the canal, becoming an undescended testis. An improperly developed testis may never leave the abdomen, and it may not produce the hormones that induce secondary sex characters. A testis lodged in the canal may well produce these secondary sex characters, but cannot produce spermatozoa. Cases in which both testes fail to descend are uncommon; usually only one is involved and the other produces sufficient numbers of spermatozoa. Treatment. Often the undescended testis can be brought down into the scrotum by medical treatment with the gonadotropic hormone, and for physical and psychologic reasons this method is preferred. Frequently, however, surgery (called orchiopexy ) is required. This operation is not particularly serious and is usually successful. It is best performed before the patient is 5 to 7 years old, since operating at a later age may involve more risk to the cells that produce spermatozoa. In cryptorchidism, the testis is not in the scrotum, but may be found in the inguinal canal or in the abdominal cavity. From Damjanov, 2000. cryp·tor·chi·dism [kriptôr′kidiz′əm] Etymology: Gk, kryptos, hidden, orchis, testis a developmental defect in which one or both testicles fail to descend into the scrotum and are retained in the abdomen or inguinal canal. The testes normally migrate into the scrotal sac at birth, but normal testicular descent depends on timely and synchronous development of other embryonic structures. If spontaneous descent does not occur by the age of 1 year, hormonal injections may be given. If injections are unsuccessful, orchiopexy is usually performed before age 3. Also called cryptorchid testis , cryptorchis, undescended testis . Cryptorchidism cryptorchidism Undescended testicles A condition in which one or both testicles fail to move from the abdomen, where they develop before birth, into the scrotum; cryptorchidism uncorrected in early childhood is linked to azoospermia and ↑ testicular CA. Cf Anorchia . cryp·tor·chism	Cryptorchidism
Which English model was married to musicians George Harrison and Eric Clapton?	Male Infertility and Testicular Temperature \| Chron.com Male Infertility and Testicular Temperature Male Infertility and Testicular Temperature by Joanne Marie When testicular temperature is too high for long periods, it can affect fertility. Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images [Male Infertility] \| Male Infertility & Testicular Torsions Although you might think infertility in a couple is usually a problem in the female partner, about 1 in 3 cases are due to infertility caused only by a problem in the man. Normal sperm production requires the scrotum to have a slightly lower temperature than the rest of the body. When 1 of several possible conditions raises the temperature, it can increase a man's risk of becoming infertile. Temperature The fetal testis develops in the abdomen, but eventually moves into the scrotum, where it is normally located at birth. Scrotal temperature is about 2 degrees Fahrenheit lower than in the rest of the body. This temperature in required for the process of sperm development, or spermatogenesis, to proceed normally. The testicular blood supply is also specialized to help maintain a lower scrotal temperature. Although blood in the testicular artery is at normal body temperature when it enters the scrotum, a complex system of veins that carries cooler blood back from the testis to the heart surrounds this artery. This venous system, called the pampiniform plexus, cools the arterial blood before it reaches the testis, helping ensure the organ stays at the proper temperature. Several problems can arise that may raise the scrotal temperature and interfere with a man's fertility. Cryptorchidism A condition called cryptorchidism occurs in 3 to 9 percent of full-term baby boys. In this disorder, 1 or both testes fail to descend into the scrotum and remain in the abdomen or inguinal canal at birth. If this condition remains uncorrected, the affected testis is too warm and fails to produce sperm at puberty. If the condition affects both testes, sperm count is greatly reduced. When only 1 testis has the problem, the remaining testis compensates and produces extra sperm, which might keep a man's sperm count at or near normal. Usually, a doctor corrects cryptorchidism surgically, with a small scrotal incision through which he attaches the testis to the scrotum. This is usually done within the first year of life, often before the baby is 6 months old. When corrected early, a small percentage of men still have fertility problems, although the reasons for this are complex and not fully understood. About 90 percent of men born with 1 cryptorchid testis who have the condition corrected have normal fertility, according to a study published in August 2008 in "Swiss Medical Weekly." Varicocele A condition called varicocele is another heat-related disorder that can interfere with a man's fertility. Varicocele appears in about 15 percent of men and is the cause of infertility in up to 40 percent of men who have problems fathering a child. The disorder arises when scrotal veins carrying cooler blood from the testis become dilated and their flow is impaired. This interferes with their cooling function and causes temperature in the scrotum to rise. Over time, the higher temperature can lower sperm production in 1 or both testes, reducing a man's sperm count and decreasing his fertility. The cause of varicocele is varied and not fully understood, but may involve abnormalities in venous valves that might allow blood to build up and dilate the veins. Obstruction or abnormally high pressure in 1 of the veins might also cause varicocele. The disorder can appear at any time, but is more common during puberty and more likely on the left side due to anatomical differences in the left veins. Treatments include laparoscopic surgery and procedures to improve blood flow, and often restore fertility if the problem is successfully resolved. Other Problems Any other situation that raises the temperature of a man's testis for a long period of time might affect his sperm count and cause infertility. Wearing tight or heavy clothing that insulates the scrotal area can raise scrotal temperature by 1 or 2 degrees Fahrenheit, which could lower sperm count over time, although this has not been proven conclusively in research studies. Taking long, hot baths or using a sauna might also raise testicular temperature after about 10 minutes of exposure to heat, which could also lower sperm output if this happens regularly. A study published in October 2012 in "Spermatogenesis" suggests obesity and a large belly might cause increased testicular temperature and contribute to decreased sperm counts and infertility. This possibility is somewhat controversial and needs confirmation in additional, carefully controlled studies	i don't know
A sallet, part of Medieval armour, was worn on which part of the body?	Medieval Armour Armour Mail, or chainmail, made of interlocking iron rings, which may be riveted or welded shut is believed to have been invented in Eastern Europe about 500 BC. Gradually, small additional plates or discs of iron were added to the mail to protect vulnerable areas. Hardened leather and splinted construction were used for arm and leg pieces. A coat of plates was developed, an armour made of large plates sewn inside a textile or leather coat. Early plate in Italy, and elsewhere in the 13th15th century were made of iron. Iron armour could be carburised or case hardened to give a surface of harder steel. Plate armour became cheaper than mail by the 15th century as it required less labour and labour had become much more expensive after the Black Death, though it did require larger furnaces to produce larger blooms. Mail continued to be used to protect those joints which could not be adequately protected by plate, such as the armpit, crook of the elbow and groin. Another advantage of plate was that a lance rest could be fitted to the breast plate. The small skull cap evolved into a bigger true helmet, the bascinet, as it was lengthened downward to protect the back of the neck and the sides of the head. Additionally, several new forms of fully enclosed helmets were introduced in the late 1300s. Probably the most recognised style of armour in the World became the plate armour associated with the knights of the European Late Middle Ages, but continuing to the early 17th century Age of Enlightenment in all European countries. By about 1400 the full harness of plate armour had been developed in armouries of Lombardy. Heavy cavalry dominated the battlefield for centuries in part because of their armour. In the early 15th century, advances in weaponry allowed infantry to defeat armoured knights on the battlefield. The quality of the metal used in armour deteriorated as armies became bigger and armour was made thicker, necessitating breeding of larger cavalry horses. If during the 1415th centuries armour seldom weighed more than 15kgs, than by the late 16th century it weighed 25 kg. The increasing weight and thickness of late 16th century armour therefore gave substantial resistance. In the early years of low velocity firearms, full suits of armour, or breast plates stopped bullets fired from a modest distance. Crossbow bolts would seldom penetrate good plate, nor would any bullet unless fired from close range. In effect, rather than making plate armour obsolete, the use of firearms stimulated the development of plate armour into its later stages. For most of that period, it allowed horsemen to fight while being the targets of defending arquebuseers without being easily killed. Full suits of armour were worn by generals and princely commanders right up to the second decade of the 18th century. It was the only way they could be mounted and survey the overall battlefield with safety from distant musket fire. The horse was afforded protection from lances and infantry weapons by steel plate barding. This gave the horse protection and enhanced the visual impression of a mounted knight. Late in the era, elaborate barding was used in parade armour. Gradually starting in the mid 16th century, one plate element after another was discarded to save weight for foot soldiers. Back and breast plates continued to be used throughout the entire period of the 18th century and through Napoleonic times, in many European (heavy) cavalry units, until the early 20th century. From their introduction, muskets could pierce plate armour, so cavalry had to be far more mindful of the fire. Though the age of the knight was over, armour continued to be used in many capacities. Soldiers in the American Civil War bought iron and steel vests from peddlers (both sides had considered but rejected body armour for standard issue). The effectiveness of the vests varied widely- some successfully deflected bullets and saved lives but others were poorly made and resulted in tragedy for the soldiers. In any case the vests were abandoned by many soldiers due to their weight on long marches as well as the stigma they got for being cowards from their fellow troops. At the start of World War I, thousands of the French Cuirassiers rode out to engage the German Cavalry who likewise used helmets and armour. Chain Mail Mail or chain mail is a type of armour consisting of small metal rings linked together in a pattern to form a mesh. The word chainmail is of relatively recent coinage, having been in use only since the 1700s; prior to this it was referred to simply as mail. The word itself refers to the armour material, not the garment made from it. A shirt made from mail is a hauberk if knee-length, haubergeon if mid-thigh length, and byrnie if waist-length. Mail leggings are called chausses, mail hoods coif and mail mittens mitons. A mail collar hanging from a helmet is camail or aventail. A mail collar worn strapped around the neck was called a pixane or standard. In the Dark Ages chain mail was often referred to as "ring maille" to distinguish it from other types of mail, such as lamellar and splinted mail. In the Middle Ages scale mail died out, but chain mail remained, and people called it "maille" or "mayle." As with heraldry, the language of armour is French, and chain mail is no exception. The word maille comes from the French, meaning mesh or net. The use of mail was prominent throughout the Dark Ages, High Middle Ages and Renaissance, and reached its apex in Europe, in terms of coverage, during the 13th century, when mail covered the whole body. By the 14th century, plate armour was commonly used to supplement mail. Eventually mail was supplanted by plate for the most part. However, mail was still widely used by many soldiers as well as brigandines and padded jacks. These three types of armour made up the bulk of the equipment used by soldiers with mail being the most expensive. It was quite often more expensive than plate armour. A mail shirt interwoven between two layers of fabric is called jazzeraint, and can be worn as protective clothing. Mail construction is mentioned in the Quran as knowledge that God gave to David. It was We Who taught him the making of coats of mail for your benefit, to guard you from each other's violence: will ye then be grateful? (21:80 Yusuf Ali's translation). Mail armour provided an effective defence against slashing blows by an edged weapon and penetration by thrusting and piercing weapons; in fact The Royal Armoury at Leeds concluded that "... it is almost impossible to penetrate using any conventional medieval weapon..." Generally speaking, mail's resistance to weapons is determined by four factors: linkage type (riveted, butted, or welded), material used (iron versus bronze or steel), Weave density (a tighter weave needs a thinner weapon to surpass), and ring thickness (generally ranging from 16 to 12 gauge in most examples). Mail, if a warrior could afford it, could provide a significant advantage to him when combined with competent fighting techniques. However, a good sword blow arriving in exactly perpendicular angle to surface could cut through the links; when the mail was not riveted, a well placed thrust from a spear or thin sword could penetrate, and a poleaxe or halberd blow could break through the armour. Special arrows, known as bodkins, were later made that were able to penetrate light mail through the loops of the chain. Some evidence indicates that during armoured combat the intention was to actually get around the armour rather than through it—according to a study of skeletons found in Visby, Sweden, a majority of the skeletons showed wounds on less well protected legs. The flexibility of mail meant that a blow would often injure the wearer, potentially causing serious bruising or fractures, and it was a poor defence against head trauma. Mail-clad warriors typically wore separate rigid, helms over their mail coifs for head protection. Likewise, blunt weapons such as maces and warhammers could harm the wearer by their impact without penetrating the armour; usually a soft armour, such as gambeson, was worn under the hauberk. Mail, however, had importance in that it reduced the risk of cuts and infection that could often be life threatening to a soldier. Several patterns of linking the rings together have been known since ancient times, with the most common being the 4-to-1 pattern (where each ring is linked with four others). In Europe, the 4-to-1 pattern was completely dominant. Historically, in Europe, from the pre-Roman period on, the rings composing a piece of mail would be riveted closed to reduce the chance of the rings splitting open when subjected to a thrusting attack or a hit by an arrow. King's Mail Up until the 14th century European mail was made of alternating rows of both riveted rings and solid rings. After that it was almost all made from riveted rings only. Both would have been made using wrought iron. Some later pieces were made of wrought steel with an appreciable carbon content that allowed the piece to be heat treated. Wire for the riveted rings was formed by either of two methods. One was to hammer out wrought iron into plates and cut or slit the plates. These thin pieces were then pulled through a draw-plate repeatedly until the desired diameter was achieved. Waterwheel powered drawing mills are pictured in several period manuscripts. Another method was to simply forge down an iron billet into a rod and then proceed to draw it out into wire. The solid links would have been made by punching from a sheet. Hauberk or Haubergeon ? to 14th C. The hauberk is typically a type of mail armour constructed of loops of metal woven into a tunic or shirt. The sleeves sometimes only went to the elbow, but often were full arm length, with some covering the hands with a supple glove leather face on the palm of the hand, or even full mail gloves. It was usually thigh or knee length, with a split in the front and back to the crotch so the wearer could ride a horse. It sometimes incorporated a hood, or coif. The term Haubergeon ("little hauberk") refers to a shorter variant with partial sleeves, but the terms are often used interchangeably. Slits to accommodate horseback-riding are often incorporated below the waist. Most are put on over the head. Hauberk can also refer to a similar garment of scale armour. The earliest extant example was found in Ciumeşti in modern Romania and is dated to the 4th-5th centuries BC. Roman armies adopted similar technology after encountering it. Mail armour spread throughout the Mediterranean Basin with the expansion of the Romans. It was quickly adopted by virtually every iron-using culture in the world, with the exception of the Chinese. The Chinese used it rarely, despite being heavily exposed to it from other cultures. The short-hemmed, short-sleeved hauberk may have originated from the medieval Islamic world. The Bayeux Tapestry illustrates Norman soldiers wearing a knee-length version of the hauberk, with three-quarter length sleeves and a split from hem to crotch. Such armour was expensive — both in materials (iron wire) and time/skill required to manufacture it — so common foot soldiers rarely were so equipped. In Europe, use of mail hauberks continued up through the 14th century, when plate armour began to supplant it. Pixane A mail collar. It is a circle with a hole for the neck to fit through. It covers the shoulders, breast and upper back. Mail that protects areas not covered by plate. Mail hose, either knee-high or cover the whole leg. Mail is still used as protective clothing by butchers, woodcarvers, police and Scuba divers and as decoration on some military uniforms. Mail coif Plate Armour Plate armour, which protected the chest and the lower limbs, was used by the ancient Greeks and Romans, but it fell into disuse after the collapse of the Roman Empire because of the cost and work involved in producing a lorica segmentata or comparable plate armour. Single plates of metal armour were again used from the late 13th century on, to protect joints and shins, and these were worn over a mail hauberk. By the end of the 14th century, larger and complete full plates of armour had been developed. During the early 1500s the helmet and neckguard design was reformed to produce the so-called Nürnberg armour, many of them masterpieces of workmanship and design. European leaders in armouring techniques were northern Italians and southern Germans. This led to the styles of Milanese from Milan, and Gothic from the Holy Roman Empire. England produced armour in Greenwich and they both developed their own unique style. Maximilian style armour immediately followed this, in the early 16th century. Maximilian armour was typically denoted by fluting and decorative etching, as opposed to the plainer finish on 15th century white armour. This era also saw the use of Close helms, as opposed to the 15th century style sallets and barbutes Turkey also made wide use of plate armour but incorporated large amounts of mail into their armour, which was widely used by shock troops such as the Janissary Corps. In the rest of the world, though, the general trend was towards mail, scale, or lamellar armour Full plate armour was expensive to produce and remained therefore restricted to the upper strata of society; lavishly decorated suits of armour remained the fashion with 18th century nobles and generals long after they had ceased to be militarily useful on the battlefield due to the advent of powerful muskets. Reduced plate armour, typically consisting of a breastplate, a burgonet, morion or cabasset and gauntlets, however, also became popular among 16th century mercenaries and there are many references to so-called munition armour being ordered for infantrymen at a fraction of the cost of full plate armour. This mass-produced armour was often heavier and made of lower quality metal than knight armour. From the 15th century on, armour specifically designed for jousting (rather than for battle) and parade armour also became popular. Many of the latter were decorated with biblical or mythological motifs. Armour was not confined to the Middle Ages, and in fact was widely used by most armies until the end of the 17th century for both foot and mounted troops. It was only the development of powerful rifled firearms which made all but the finest and heaviest armour obsolete. The increasing power and availability of firearms and the nature of large, state-supported infantry led to more portions of plate armour being cast off in favour of cheaper, more mobile troops. Leg protection was the first part to go, replaced by tall leather boots. By the early part of the 18th century, only field marshals, commanders and royalty remained in full armour on the battlefield as they were tempting targets for musket fire. Cavalry units, especially cuirassiers, continued to use front and back plates that could protect them from distanced fire and either helmets or "secrets", a steel protection they wore under a floppy hat. Other armour was hidden under decorative uniforms. The cavalry armour of Napoleon, and the French, German, and British empires (heavy cavalry known as cuirassiers) were actively used through the 19th century right up to the first year of World War I, when French cuirassiers went to meet the enemy in armour outside of Paris. Plate armour could have consisted of a helmet, a gorget (or bevor), pauldrons (or spaulders), couters, vambraces, gauntlets, a cuirass (back and breastplate) with a fauld, tassets and a culet, a mail skirt, cuisses, poleyns, greaves, and sabatons. While it looks heavy, a full plate armour set could be as light as only 20 kg (45 pounds) if well made of tempered steel. This is less than the weight of modern combat gear of an infantry soldier (usually 25 to 35 kg), and the weight is more evenly distributed. The weight was so well spread over the body that a fit man could run, or jump into his saddle. Modern re-enactment activity has proven it is even possible to swim in armour, though it is difficult. It is possible for a fit and trained man in armour to run after and catch an unarmoured archer, as witnessed in re-enactment combat. The notion that it was necessary to lift a fully armed knight onto his horse with the help of pulleys is a myth originating in Victorian times. Even knights in heavy jousting armour were not winched onto their horses. This type of "sporting" armour was meant only for ceremonial lancing matches and its design was deliberately made extremely thick to protect the wearer from severe accidents, such as the one which caused the death of King Henry II of France. Tournament armour is always heavier, clumsier and more protective than combat armour. Combat armour is a compromise between protection and mobility, while tournament armour stresses protection on cost of mobility. Plate armour was virtually sword-proof. It also protects the wearer well against spear or pike thrusts and provides decent defence against blunt trauma. The evolution of plate armour also triggered developments in the design of offensive weapons. While this armour was effective against cuts or blows, their weak points could be exploited by long tapered swords or other weapons designed for the purpose, such as poleaxes and halberds. The effect of arrows and bolts is still a point of contention in regards to plate armour. Some argue that longbows and/or crossbows could regularly pierce plate armour and some contend that they could do so only rarely. Fluted plate was not only decorations, but also reinforced the plate against bending under slashing or blunt impact. This offsets against the fact that flutes could sometimes catch piercing blows. In armoured techniques taught in the German school of swordsmanship, the attacker concentrates on these "weak spots", resulting in a fighting style very different from unarmored sword-fighting. Because of this weakness most warriors wore a mail shirt (haubergeon or hauberk) beneath their plate armour (or coat-of-plates). Later, full mail shirts were replaced with mail patches, called goussets, sewn onto a gambeson or arming jacket. Further protection for plate armour was the use of small round plates called besagews that covered the armpit area and couters and poleyns with "wings" to protect the inside of the joint. The evolution of the 14th century plate armour also triggered the development of various polearms. They were designed to deliver a strong impact and concentrate energy on a small area and cause damage through the plate. Maces, war hammers and the hammer-heads of pollaxes (poleaxes) were used to inflict blunt trauma through armour. Tournament Helm made of steel, possibly English, c 1500, for tournaments fought on foot. The evolution of head armour from the Dark Age Spangel Helm to the seventeenth century Helmets Helmets, or helms, are one of the best known artefacts from the middle ages. They have never fallen out of use but have evolved not only for military use, but for many other spheres of live where there is a danger of head injury - mines, horse and motor cycle riding, building sites and so on. The medieval version - or rather upwards of a dozen medieval versions - are also preserved in coats of arms where they form an essential part of the crest. Indeed crests were originally bird-like crests on the helmet. Mantling or lambrequin is drapery tied to the helmet above the shield. It forms a backdrop for the shield. It is a depiction of the protective cloth covering (often of linen) worn by knights from their helmets to stave off the elements, and, secondarily, to decrease the effects of sword-blows against the helmet in battle, from which it is usually shown tattered or cut to shreds as if damaged in combat, though the edges of most are simply decorated at the emblazoner's discretion. Spangenhelm & Nasal Helmet The nasal helmet is a type of combat helmet used from the Early Middle Ages until the High Middle Ages. The nasal helmet was a form of helmet with a domed or raised centre, usually formed around a basic skull-cap design, with a single protruding strip that extended down over the nose to provide additional facial protection. The helmet appeared throughout Europe late in the 9th century, and became the predominant form of head protection, replacing the previous pudding-bowl design, and the Vendel-style spectical helm. One of the earliest versions of the nasal helm is the Vasgaard Helmet. The Bayeux Tapestry features many such helmets, it being the most popular form of protection at the time. The helmet began to lose popularity at the end of the 12th century to helmets that provided more facial protection, and although the nasal helm lost popularity amongst the higher classes of knights and men-at-arms, they were still seen amongst archers to whom a wide field of vision was crucial. The helmet can also be viewed throughout the Maciejowski Bible as a minority item for cavalrymen, giving the impression that it had become uncommon (though not unknown) by the mid-thirteenth century. Nasal helmets have been found of both one-piece and Spangenhelm construction, with the later period helmets being made of a single, smooth raised dome to allow weapons to glance off with ease. The Spangenhelm was a popular European war combat helmet design of the Early Middle Ages. The name is of German origin. Spangen refers to the metal strips that form the framework for the helmet and could be translated as clips. The strips connect three to six steel or bronze plates. The frame takes a conical design that curves with the shape of the head and culminates in a point. The front of the helmet may include a nose protector (a nasal). Older spangenhelms often include cheek flaps made from metal or leather. Spangenhelms may incorporate mail as neck protection, thus forming a partial aventail. Some spangenhelms include eye protection in a shape that resembles modern eyeglass frames. Other spangenhelms include a full face mask. The spangenhelm originated in Central Asia and Ancient Persia, arriving in Europe by way of what is now southern Russia and Ukraine, spread by nomadic Iranian tribes such as the Scythians and Sarmatians who lived among the the Eursian steppes. By the 6th century it was the most common helmet design in Europe and in popular use throughout the Middle East. It remained in use at least as late as the 9th century. The spangenhelm was an effective protection that was relatively easy to produce. Weakness of the design were its partial head protection and its jointed construction. It was replaced by similarly shaped helmets made with one-piece skulls (nasal helms), kettle hats and eventually the Great helm or casque. Spangenhelm Great Helm The great helm or heaume, also called pot helm, bucket helm and barrel helm, of the High Middle Ages arose in the late twelfth century in the context of the crusades and remained in use until the fourteenth century. They were used by knights and heavy infantry in most European armies between about 1220 to 1540 AD. In its simplest form, the great helm was a flat-topped cylinder of steel that completely covered the head and had only very small openings for the eyes and mouth. Later designs gained more of a curved design, particularly on the top, to deflect or lessen the impact of blows. The style is sometimes referred to as a 'crusader helmet', but also as a 'pot helm', and a later variant with a more conical top is known as a 'sugarloaf helm'. In Spanish they are called yelmo de Zaragoza, referring to Saragossa where they were introduced for the first time in the Iberian peninsula. Although the great helm offered greater protection than previous helmets, such as the nasal helm and spangenhelm, it limited the wearer's vision to some extent, and provided poor ventilation. A knight might wear the close-fitting steel skull cap known as a cervelliere, or its later development the bascinet beneath the great helm. A great helm may have also an attached mail collar, or camail, to protect the wearer's neck, throat, and shoulders. The bascinet evolved from its early skull cap form to supersede the great helm for combat. The great helm fell into disuse during the 15th century, however it was used commonly in tournaments where a version of the great helm, the a frog-mouthed tilting helm, evolved. Great Helm Frog-mouthed great helm - commonly in tournaments during the 15th century. This is a modern reproduction Bascinet The earliest versions of the bascinet, at the beginning of the 14th century, had no visors, and were worn underneath larger "great helms." After the initial clash of lances, the great helm was often discarded during fierce hand-to-hand combat, as it impeded breathing and vision. Thus, having a smaller helmet underneath was a real advantage. Small "nasals" were developed to protect the nose and part of the face after the great helm was discarded. By the middle of the 14th century, most knights discarded the great helm altogether in favour of a fully visored bascinet. The visor was often conical, giving the appearance of a muzzle or a beak. They were sometimes called "dog faced" (medievally known as a hounskull) or "pig faced" (a common modern term). The early versions sometimes had a neck defence of mail called a camail or aventail, while later versions (at the end of the 14th century) often protected the neck with a separate but attached plate assembly, the gorget. The aventail was attached to a leather band, which was in turn attached to the lower border of the bascinet by a series of staples called vervelles. Holes in the leather band were passed over the vervelles, and a waxed cord was passed through the holes in the vervelles to secure it. The helmet also had a series of small holes around the bottom edge of the helmet and the face hole. These holes were used to sew a padded liner inside the helmet. The liner was made of linen or a linen blend cloth stuffed with wool or horsehair. The top of the liner was a series of lobes which were gathered by a cord to adjust how high the helmet rode on the wearer's head. While no known chin straps were used, the bascinet was often prevented from being lifted off the wearer's head by tying or strapping the camail to the surcoat or armour. The bascinet, both with and without a visor (visors were often removable for better visibility and ventilation), was the most common helmet worn in Europe during the latter portions of the 14th and early 15th century, including during the Hundred Years' War. Contemporary illustrations show nearly every knight and man-at-arms wearing one of a few variants of the basic hounskull helmet. The basic design was intended to direct blows from weapons downward and away from the skull and face of the wearer. Over the course of the late 1300s to early 1400s, the bascinet evolved from a shorter form with a shorter point (or no point at all) to its more pointed formsome so severe as to have a vertical back. In Germany a more bulbous version also appeared in the beginning of the 15th century. During the first half of the 15th century, more plates were added to protect the throat better, producing a form called the "great bascinet". Both the portion covering the skull and the hinged visor over the face became less angular and more rounded, until by the mid- to late 1400s, the great bascinet had evolved into the armet. Two styles of attaching the visor existed. The "klappvisor" was a single hinge at the front of the forehead that was commonly seen in Germany. The side-pivot mount used two pivots on the side of the helmet, which connected to the visor with hinges to compensate for the lack of parallelism in the pivots. The side-pivot system was commonly seen in Italian armours. Some seasoned knights often wore their bascinets without visors for better visibility and breathing during hand-to-hand combat, and to avoid heat exhaustion. An aventail or camail is a flexible curtain of chainmail on a helmet, that extends to cover the neck and shoulders. The mail could be attached to the helm by threading a leather cord through brass rings at the edge of the helm. Aventails were most commonly seen on bascinets in the 14th century and served as a replacement for a chainmail coif. Some aventails were decorated with edging in brass or bronze links, or dagged edges. By the late 15th century, the Aventail had replaced the chainmail coif completely. Only those who were poor or who were collectors of the sort had a chainmail coif. Aventails were typically attached to the helmet via small staples known as vervelles. Pig Faced Bascinet Sallet The sallet (also called salade and schaller) was a war helmet that replaced the bascinet in northern Europe and Hungary during the mid-15th century. Some sallets were close fitting except at the back of the head where they extended and formed a pointed tail. Some Italian ones followed the shape of the neck, and had an additional plate riveted on. Many sallets were worn with an extended, padded, gorget called a bevor that protected the wearer's jaw. Some sallet versions have occularia in the form of a slit in a visor, some have this slit in the front of the helm, or even in the brim. Most sallets needed no breathing holes, as there was a natural gap where it overlapped the bevor near the wearer's mouth. Some Italian sallets had a "bellows visor" with breaths cut into the visor. This helmet design contrasted with the barbute which was popular in Italy at the same time. Unlike the sallet, the barbute itself protected the jaw and neck. So whereas the gorget or bevor were important counterparts to the sallet, they were usually absent in barbutes. Barbutes did not pivot. Sallets did not share the barbute's resemblance to classical Greek or Roman artefacts. One characteristic that distinguishes early sallets from late sallets is the length of the helmet tail, which became more pronounced toward the end of the century. Some helmets are of intermediate design, incorporating elements of both the barbute and the sallet. In the early 16th century this evolved into the burgonet. A bevor is a piece of plate armour designed to protect the neck. A bevor can be made of a single solid piece or multiple articulated lamés around the neck and chin. The bevor was typically worn in conjunction with a sallet, and later with a burgonet, in a form known as a falling buffe. In both cases the two pieces of armour combined to provide protection for the whole of the head and neck. A gorget was a steel or leather collar also designed to protect the throat. It was a feature of older types of armour and intended to protect against swords and other non-projectile weapons. Later, particularly from the 18th century onwards, the gorget became primarily ornamental, serving only as a symbolic accessory on military uniforms. Sallet Barbute A barbute is a visorless war helmet of fifteenth century Italian design, often with distinctive "T" shaped or "Y" shaped opening for the eyes and mouth. The barbute resembles classical Greek helmets and may have been influenced by a renewed interest in ancient artefacts. Barbute Close Helm The close helm was a military helmet worn by knights and other combatants in the late medieval and early renaissance era. It carried a visor that pivoted up and fully enclosed the head and neck area, unlike earlier helms such as the Sallet and Barbute, which sometimes may have left the wearer more exposed, or needed a bevor to be added to protect the chin and neck. The close helm is a helm which is very similar to an armet, but has a different method of opening. While an armet has two cheekpieces, a close helm instead has a kind of bevor, which is attached in the same way to pivots as its visor. The close helmet most probably evolved from a number of different helmets, from the armet, the Italian bellows-visored sallets and possibly hinged Great Bascinets. As a type of helm, they largely appeared in the later 15th century, though there are earlier examples. The close helm was used in battle, but was also popular in tournaments, where sometimes the visor would be less solid, and instead have bars which would still offer protection but allow more visibility. Close helms for jousting were heavier, weighing up to 12 pounds, while the helms for normal combat were lighter, often around 8 pounds. The bevor/visor of an armet is split in the middle, with the two halves hinged at the cheek, opening outwards to expose the face of the wearer. The bevor of a 'true' close helm opens by swinging upwards; it is in one piece and shares the pivot point with the visor. The close helm often had a catch to hold the visor down. Both forms of helm may have had a round plate at the back of the helm, a protective rondel, the purpose of which is not truly known, but it is suspected that it protected strapping. Close Helm Aventail or Camail Detachable mail hung from a helmet to protect the neck and shoulders, often worn with bassinets. Bevor Worn with a sallet to cover the jaw and throat (extending somewhat down the sternum). May also cover the back of the neck if worn with a bassinet rather than a sallet. May be solid or made of lamés. Sometimes worn with a gorget. Gorget Steel collar to protect the neck and cover the neck opening in a complete cuirass. Quite unlike a modern shirt collar in that as well as covering the front and back of the neck it also covers part of the clavicles and sternum and a like area on the back. Brigandine 12th to 16th C. A brigandine, a form of body armour, is a cloth garment, generally canvas or leather, lined with small oblong steel plates riveted to the fabric. The form of the brigandine is essentially the same as the civilian doublet, though it is commonly sleeveless. Depictions of brigandine armour with sleeves are known. Many brigandines appear to have had larger, 'L-shaped' plates over the lungs.Rivets, or nails, attaching the plates to the fabric are often decorated, being gilt or of latten and often embossed with a design. The brigandine was commonly worn over a gambeson and mail shirt and it was not long before this form of protection was commonly used by soldiers ranging in rank from archers to knights. It was most commonly used by Men-at-arms. Men-at-arms wore a brigandine, along with plate arm and leg protection, as well as a helmet. Even with the gambeson and the mail shirt, a wearer was not as protected as when wearing plate, which was typically more expensive. The brigandine filled this gap well. The Brigandine was simple enough in design for a soldier to make and repair his own armour without needing the high skill of an armorer. Originally the term "brigand" referred to a foot soldier. A brigandine was simply a type of armour worn by a foot soldier. It had nothing to do with its alleged ability to be concealed by bandits. In fact, brigandines were highly fashionable and were ostentatiously displayed by wealthy aristocrats both in European and in Asian courts. Cuirass 14th C. A C cuirass (French cuirasse) is a piece of armour formed of a single or multiple pieces of metal or other rigid material, which covers the front of the wearer's torso. In a suit of armour this piece was generally connected to a back piece and cuirass could refer to the complete torso protecting armour. The muscularity of the ideal male torso was standardised in Hellenistic and Roman times, and ossified as the heroic cuirass (in French the cuirass esthétique). Sometimes further embellished with symbolic representation in relief.. As parts of the military equipment of classic antiquity, cuirasses and corslets of bronze, and at later periods also of iron or some other rigid substance, were habitually in use. While some special kind of secondary protection for the breast had been worn in earlier times by the men-at-arms in addition to their mail hauberks and their cotes armed with splints and studs, it was not till the 14th century that a regular body-defence of plate can be said to have become an established component of medieval armour. As the fourteenth century advanced, the cuirass came into general use, in connection with plate defences for the limbs, until, at the close of the century, the long familiar inter-linked mail is no longer visible in knightly figures, except in the camail of the bascinet and at the edge of the hauberk. The almost universal usage throughout this century was that the cuirass was worn covered. Thus, the globose form of the breast-armour of the Black Prince, in his effigy in Canterbury Cathedral, 1376, intimates that a cuirass as well as a hauberk is to be considered to have been covered by the royalty-emblazoned jupon of the prince. The cuirass worn in the 14th century was always made of sufficient length to rest on the hips; otherwise, if not thus supported, it must have been suspended from the shoulders, in which case it would have interfered with the action of the wearer. Early in the 15th century, the panoply of plate, including the cuirass, began to be worn without any surcoat; but in the concluding quarter of the century the short surcoat, with full short sleeves, known as the tabard, was in general use over the armour. At the same time as the surcoat fell into disuse, small plates of various forms and sizes were attached to the armour in front of the shoulders, to defend the otherwise vulnerable points where the plate defences of the upper-arms and the cuirass left a gap on each side. Limb armour was not always made in symmetrical pairs, the plate for the right or sword-arm often being smaller and lighter than its companion. About the middle of the century, instead of being formed of a single plate, the breastplate of the cuirass was made in two parts, the lower adjusted to overlap the upper, and contrived by means of a strap or sliding rivet to give flexibility to this defence. In the second half of the 15th century the cuirass occasionally was superseded by the brigandine jacket, a defence formed of textile fabric, generally of rich material, lined throughout with overlapping scales (resembling the earlier imbricated form) of metal, which were attached to the jacket by rivets, having their heads, like studs, visible on the outside. In the 16th century, when occasionally, and by personages of exalted rank, splendid surcoats were worn over the armour, the cuirassits breastpiece during the first half of the century, globular in form was constantly reinforced by strong additional plates attached to it by rivets or screws. About 1550 the breast-piece of the cuirass was characterised by a vertical central ridge, called the tapul, having near its centre a projecting point; this projection, somewhat later, was brought lower down, and eventually the profile of the plate, the projection having been carried to its base, assumed the singular form which led to this fashion of the cuirass being distinguished as the peascod cuirass. Corslets provided with both breast and back pieces were worn by foot-soldiers in the 17th century, while mounted soldiers were equipped in heavier and stronger cuirasses; and these defences continued in use after the other pieces of armour, one by one, had gradually been laid aside. Their use, however, never altogether ceased, and in modern armies mounted cuirassiers, armed as in earlier days with breast and back plates, have in some degree emulated the martial splendour of the body armour of the era of medieval chivalry. Plackard Extra layer of armour to cover the belly. Faulds Faulds are a piece of plate armour worn below a breastplate to protect the waist and hips. They take the form of bands of metal surrounding both legs, potentially surrounding the entire hips in a form similar to a skirt. Culet Small, horizontal lamés that protect the small of the back or the buttocks, attached to a backplate or cuirass. Cowter The couter is the defense for the elbow in a piece of plate armour. Initially just a curved piece of metal, as plate armour progressed the couter became an articulated joint. Spaulder Spaulders are armoured plates worn on the upper arms and shoulders in a suit of plate armour. Developed during the Middle Ages, the use of spaulders declined during the Renaissance along with the use of plate armour. Unlike pauldrons, spaulders do not cover the arm holes when worn with a cuirass. Instead, the gaps may be covered by besagews or simply left bare, exposing the mail beneath. Pauldron 15th C. A pauldron (sometimes spelled pouldron or powldron) is a component of plate armour, which evolved from spaulders in the 15th century. like spaulders, pauldrons cover the shoulder area. Pauldrons tend to be larger than spaulders, covering the armpit, and sometimes parts of the back and chest. A pauldron typically consists of a single large dome-shaped piece to cover the shoulder (the "cop") with multiple lamés attached to it to defend the arm and upper shoulder. On armour designed for mounted combat, whether in the tournament or the field, the pauldrons would usually be asymmetrical, with one pauldron sporting a cut-away to make room for a lance rest. Gardbrace Extra plate that covers the front of the shoulder, worn over top of a pauldron. Rerebrace or Brassart or Upper Cannon (of Vambrace) Plate that covers the section of upper arm from elbow to area covered by shoulder armour. Besagew Circular plate that covers the armpit, typically worn with spaulders. Vambrace or Lower Cannon (of Vambrace) 14th C. Forearm guard. May be solid metal or splints of metal attached to a leather backing. Developed in antiquity but named in the 14th C. Vambrace may also sometimes refer to parts of armour that together cover the lower and upper arms. Guard of vambrace An additional layer of armour that goes over cowter, in which case it is proper to speak of the lower cannon of the vambrace which is the forearm guard, and the upper cannon of vambrace which is the rerebrace. Mail hose, either knee-high or cover the whole leg. Poleyn 13th C. Plate that covers the knee, appeared early in the transition from mail to plate, later articulated to connect with the cuisses and schynbald or greave. Often with fins or rondel to cover gaps. Schynbald Used in antiquity, lost but later reintroduced in 13th C. used till 15th C. Plate that covered only the shins, not the whole lower leg.. Greave Covers the lower leg, front and back, made from a variety of materials, but later most often plate. Cuisse Plate that cover the thighs, made of various materials depending upon period. Sabaton or Solleret Covers the foot, often mail or plate. Tasset or Tuille Bands hanging from faulds or breastplate to protect the upper legs. Right Thigh and Knee Defense (Cuisse and Poleyn) for the Armour of Sir John Scudamore (1541 or 15421623). Lamé Band of steel plate, put together severally so that several bands can articulate on various areas like around the thighs, shoulders or waist. Such pieces are named for the number of bands, for instance, a fauld of four lamé. Padded cloth worn under a harness. Rondel Any circular plate. Roundels protecting various areas may have particular names, such as a besagew protecting the shoulder joint. Horses Horses in the Middle Ages were rarely differentiated by breed, but rather by use. This led them to be described, for example, as "chargers" (war horses), "palfreys" (riding horses), cart horses or packhorses. Reference is also given to their place of origin, such as "Spanish horses," but whether this referred to one breed or several is unknown. Significant technological advances in equestrian equipment, often introduced from other cultures, allowed for significant changes in both warfare and agriculture. In particular, improved designs for the solid-treed saddle as well as the arrival of the stirrup, horseshoe and horse collar were significant advances in medieval society. During the decline of the Roman Empire and the Early Middle Ages, much of the quality breeding stock developed during the classical period was lost due to uncontrolled breeding and had to be built up again over the following centuries. In the west, this may have been due in part to the reliance of the British and Scandinavians on infantry-based warfare, where horses were only used for riding and pursuit. The Spanish also retained many quality horses, in part due to the historic reputation of the region as a horse-breeding land, and partially due to the cultural influences related to the Islamic conquest of the Iberian peninsula between the 8th and 15th centuries. The origins of the medieval war horse are obscure, although it is believed they had some Barb and Arabian blood, through the Spanish Jennet, a forerunner to the modern Friesian and Andalusian horse. It is also possible that other sources of oriental bloodstock came from what was called the Nisaean breed (possibly akin to the Turkoman horse) from Iran and Anatolia, another type of oriental horse brought back from the Crusades. "Spanish" horses, whatever their breeding, were the most expensive. It is also hard to trace what happened to the bloodlines of destriers when this type seems to disappear from record during the seventeenth century. Many modern draft breeds claim some link to the medieval "great horse," with some historians considering breeds such as the Percheron, Belgian and Suffolk Punch likely descendants of the destrier. Other historians discount this theory, since the historical record suggests the medieval warhorse was quite a different 'type' to the modern draught horse Such a theory would suggest the war horses were crossed once again with "cold blooded" work horses, since war horses, and the destrier in particular, were renowned for their hot-blooded nature. One of the best-known of the medieval horses was the destrier, renowned and admired for its capabilities in war. It was well trained, and was required to be strong, fast and agile. A fourteenth century writer described them as "tall and majestic and with great strength". In contemporary sources, the destrier was frequently referred to as the "great horse" because of its size and reputation. Being a subjective term, it gives no firm information about its actual height or weight, but since the average horse of the time was 12 to 14 hands (48 to 56 inches (120 to 140 cm)), thus a "great horse" by medieval standards might appear small to our modern eyes. The destrier was highly prized by knights and men-at-arms, but was actually not very common, and appears to have been most suited to the joust. Coursers were generally preferred for hard battle as they were light, fast and strong. They were valuable, but not as costly as the destrier. They were also used frequently for hunting. A more general-purpose horse was the rouncey (also rounsey), which could be kept as a riding horse or trained for war. It was commonly used by squires, men-at-arms or poorer knights. A wealthy knight would keep rounceys for his retinue. Sometimes the expected nature of warfare dictated the choice of horse; when a summons to war was sent out in England, in 1327, it expressly requested rounceys, for swift pursuit, rather than destriers. Rounceys were sometimes used as pack horses. The well-bred palfrey, which could equal a destrier in price, was popular with nobles and highly-ranked knights for riding, hunting and ceremonial use. Ambling was a desirable trait in a palfrey, as the smooth gait allowed the rider to cover long distances quickly in relative comfort. Other horse types included the jennet, a small horse first bred in Spain from Barb and Arabian bloodstock Their quiet and dependable nature, as well as size, made them popular as riding horses for ladies; however, they were also used as cavalry horses by the Spanish. The hobby was a lightweight horse, about 13 to 14 hands (52 to 56 inches (130 to 140 cm)), developed in Ireland from Spanish or Libyan (Barb) bloodstock. This type of quick and agile horse was popular for skirmishing, and was often ridden by light cavalry known as Hobelars. Hobbies were used successfully by both sides during the Wars of Scottish Independence, with Edward I of England trying to gain advantage by preventing Irish exports of the horses to Scotland. Robert Bruce employed the hobby for his guerilla warfare and mounted raids, covering 60 to 70 miles (97 to 110 km) a day. While light cavalry had been used in warfare for many centuries, the medieval era saw the rise of heavy cavalry, particularly the European knight. Historians are uncertain when the use of heavy cavalry in the form of mounted shock troops first occurred, but the technique had become widespread by the mid 12th Century. The heavy cavalry charge itself was not a common occurrence in warfare. Pitched battles were avoided, if at all possible, with most offensive warfare in the early Middle Ages taking the form of sieges, or swift mounted raids called chevauchées, with the warriors lightly armed on swift horses and their heavy war horses safely in the stable. Pitched battles were sometimes unavoidable, but were rarely fought on land suitable for heavy cavalry. While mounted riders remained effective for initial attacks, by the fourteenth century, it was common for knights to dismount to fight. Horses were sent to the rear, and kept ready for pursuit. By the Late Middle Ages (approx 1300-1550), large battles became more common, probably because of the success of infantry tactics and changes in weaponry. Because such tactics left the knight unmounted, the role of the war horse also changed. By the 17th century, the medieval charger had become a thing of the past, replaced by lighter, unarmoured horses. Throughout the period, light horse, or prickers, were used for scouting and reconnaissance; they also provided a defensive screen for marching armies. Large teams of draught horses, or oxen, were used for pulling the heavy early cannon. Other horses pulled wagons and carried supplies for the armies. Tournaments and hastiludes began in the eleventh century as both a sport and to provide training for battle. Usually taking the form of a melee, the participants used the horses, armour and weapons of war. The sport of jousting grew out of the tournament and, by the fifteenth century, the art of tilting became quite sophisticated. In the process, the pageantry and specialisation became less warlike, perhaps because of the knight's changing role in war. Horses were specially bred for the joust, and heavier armour developed. This did not necessarily lead to significantly larger horses. Interpreters at the Royal Armouries, Leeds, have re-created the joust, using specially bred horses and replica armour. Their horses are 15-16 hands high (60 to 64 inches (150 to 160 cm)), and approximately 1,100 pounds (500 kg), and perform well in the joust. The most well known horse of the medieval era of Europe is the destrier, known for carrying knights into war. However, most knights and mounted men-at-arms rode smaller horses known as coursers and rounceys. (A generic name often used to describe medieval war horses is charger, which appears interchangeable with the other terms). In Spain, the jennet was used as a light cavalry horse. Stallions were often used as war horses in Europe due to their natural aggression and hot-blooded tendencies. A thirteenth century work describes destriers "biting and kicking" on the battlefield, and, in the heat of battle, war horses were often seen fighting each other. However, the use of mares by European warriors cannot be discounted from literary references. Mares were the preferred war horse of the Moors, the Islamic invaders who attacked various European nations from A.D. 700 through the 15th Century. War horses were more expensive than normal riding horses, and destriers the most prized, but figures vary greatly from source to source. Destriers are given a values ranging from seven times the price of an ordinary horse to 700 times. The Bohemian king Wenzel II rode a horse "valued at one thousand marks" in 1298. At the other extreme, a 1265 French ordinance ruled that a squire could not spend more than twenty marks on a rouncey. Knights were expected to have at least one war horse (as well as riding horses and packhorses), with some records from the later Middle Ages showing knights bringing twenty-four horses on campaign. Five horses was perhaps the standard. There is dispute in medievalist circles over the size of the war horse, with some notable historians claiming a size of 17 to 18 hands (68 to 72 inches (170 to 180 cm)), as large as a modern Shire horse. However, there are practical reasons for dispute over size. Analysis of existing horse armour located in the Royal Armouries indicates the equipment was originally worn by horses of 15 to 16 hands (60 to 64 inches (150 to 160 cm)), or about the size and build of a modern field hunter or ordinary riding horse. Research undertaken at the Museum of London, using literary, pictorial and archaeological sources, supports military horses of 14-15 hands (56 to 60 inches (140 to 150 cm)), distinguished from a riding horse by its strength and skill, rather than its size. This average does not seem to vary greatly across the medieval period. Horses appear to have been selectively bred for increased size from the ninth and tenth centuries, and by the eleventh century the average warhorse was probably 14.2 to 15 hh (58 to 60 inches (150 to 150 cm)), a size verified by studies of Norman horseshoes as well as the depictions of horses on the Bayeux Tapestry. Analysis of horse transports suggests thirteenth century destriers were a stocky build, and no more than 15-15.2 hands (60 to 62 inches (150 to 160 cm)).Three centuries later, war-horses were not significantly bigger; the Royal Armouries used a 15.2 hand (62 inches (160 cm)) Lithuanian Heavy Draught mare as a model for the statues displaying various fifteenth-sixteenth century horse armours, as her body shape was an excellent fit. Perhaps one reason for the pervasive belief that the medieval war horse had to be of draught horse type is the assumption, still held by many, that medieval armour was heavy. In fact, even the heaviest tournament armour (for knights) weighed little more than 90 pounds (41 kg), and field (war) armour 40 to 70 pounds (18 to 32 kg); barding, or horse armour, more common in tournaments than war, rarely weighed more than 70 pounds (32 kg). For horses, Cuir bouilli (a type of hardened leather), and padded caparisons would have been more common, and probably as effective. Allowing for the weight of the rider and other equipment, horses can carry approximately 30% of their weight; thus such loads could certainly be carried by a heavy riding horse in the 1,200 to 1,300 pounds (540 to 590 kg) range, and a draught horse was not needed. Although a large horse is not required to carry an armoured knight, it is held by some historians that a large horse was desirable to increase the power of a lance strike. Practical experiments by re-enactors have suggested that the rider's weight and strength is of more relevance than the size of the mount, and that little of the horse's weight is translated to the lance. Further evidence for a 14-16 hand (56 to 64 inches (140 to 160 cm)) war horse is that it was a matter of pride to a knight to be able to vault onto his horse in full armour, without touching the stirrup. This arose not from vanity, but necessity: if unhorsed during battle, a knight would remain vulnerable if unable to mount by himself. In reality a wounded or weary knight might find it difficult, and rely on a vigilant squire to assist him. Incidentally, a knight's armour served in his favour in any fall. With his long hair twisted on his head to form a springy padding under his padded-linen hood, and his helm placed on top, he had head protection not dissimilar to a modern bicycle or equestrian helmet. Because of the necessity to ride long distances over uncertain roads, smooth-gaited horses were preferred, and most ordinary riding horses were of greater value if they could do one of the smooth but ground-covering four-beat gaits collectively known as an amble rather than the more jarring trot. The speed of travel varied greatly. Large retinues could be slowed by the presence of slow-paced carts and litters, or by servants and attendants on foot, and could rarely cover more than fifteen to twenty miles a day. Small mounted companies might travel 30 miles a day. However, there were exceptions: stopping only for a change of horses midway, Richard II of England once managed the 70 miles between Daventry and Westminster in a night. The development of equestrian technology proceeded at a similar pace as the development of horse breeding and utilisation. The changes in warfare during the Early Middle Ages to heavy cavalry both precipitated and relied on the arrival of the stirrup, solid-treed saddle, and horseshoe from other cultures. The development of the nailed horseshoe enabled longer, faster journeys on horseback, particularly in the wetter lands in northern Europe, and were useful for campaigns on varied terrains. By providing protection and support, nailed horse shoes also improved the efficiency of draught horse teams. Though the Romans had developed an iron "hipposandal" that resembled a hoof boot, there is much debate over the actual origins of the nailed horseshoe, though it does appear to be of European origin. There is little evidence of nailed-on shoes prior to AD 500 or 600, though there is speculation that the Celtic Gauls were the first to nail on metal horseshoes. The earliest clear written record of iron horseshoes is a reference to "crescent figured irons and their nails" in a list of cavalry equipment from AD 910. Additional archaeological evidence suggests they were used in Siberia during the 9th and 10th centuries, and had spread to Byzantium soon afterward; by the 11th century, horseshoes were commonly used in Europe. By the time the Crusades began in 1096, horseshoes were widespread and frequently mentioned in various written sources. The saddle with a solid tree provided a bearing surface to protect the horse from the weight of the rider. The Romans are credited with the invention of the solid-treed saddle, possibly as early as the first century BC, and it was widespread by the 2nd century AD Early medieval saddles resembled the Roman "four-horn" saddle, and were used without stirrups. The development of the solid saddle tree was significant; it raised the rider above the horse's back, and distributed the rider's weight, reducing the pounds per square inch carried on any one part of the horse's back, thus greatly increasing the comfort of the horse and prolonging its useful life. Horses could carry more weight when distributed across a solid saddle tree. It also allowed a more built up seat to give the rider greater security in the saddle. From the twelfth century, on the high war-saddle became more common, providing protection as well as added security. The built up cantle of a solid-treed saddle enabled horsemen to use lance more effectively. Beneath the saddle, caparisons or saddle cloths were sometimes worn; these could be decorated or embroidered with heraldic colours and arms. War horses could be equipped with additional covers, blankets and armour collectively referred to as barding; this could be for decorative or protective purposes. Early forms of horse armour, usually restricted to tournaments, comprised padded leather pieces, covered by a trapper (a decorated cloth), which was not particularly heavy. Mail and plate armour was also occasionally used; there are literary references to horse armour (an "iron blanket") starting in the late twelfth century. The solid tree allowed for effective use of the stirrup. The stirrup was developed in China and in widespread use there by 477 AD. By the 7th century, primarily due to invaders from Central Asia, such as the Avars, stirrups arrived in Europe, and European riders had adopted them by the 8th century. Among other advantages, stirrups provided greater balance and support to the rider, which allowed the knight to use a sword more efficiently without falling, especially against infantry. The increased use of the stirrup from the eighth century on aided the warrior's stability and security in the saddle when fighting. A theory known as The Great Stirrup Controversy argues that the advantages in warfare that stemmed from use of the stirrup led to the birth of feudalism itself. Other scholars, however, dispute this assertion, suggesting that stirrups provided little advantage in shock warfare, being useful primarily for allowing a rider to lean farther to the left and right on the saddle while fighting, and simply reduce the risk of falling off. Therefore, it is argued, they are not the reason for the switch from infantry to cavalry in Medieval militaries, nor the reason for the emergence of Feudalism. There was a variety of headgear used to control horses, predominantly bridles with assorted designs of bits. Many of the bits used during the Middle Ages resemble the bradoon, snaffle bit and curb bit that are still in common use today. However, they often were decorated to a greater degree: the bit rings or shanks were frequently covered with large, ornamental "bosses" Some designs were also more extreme and severe than those used today. The curb bit was known during the classical period, but was not generally used during the Middle Ages until the mid-14th century. Some styles of snaffle bit used during the Middle Ages had the lower cheek extended, in the manner of the modern half-cheek or full cheek snaffle. Until the late 13th century, bridles generally had a single pair of reins; after this period it became more common for knights to use two sets of reins, similar to that of the modern double bridle, and often at least one set was decorated. Spurs were commonly used throughout the period, especially by knights, with whom they were regularly associated. A young man was said to have "won his spurs" when he achieved knighthood. Wealthy knights and riders frequently wore decorated and filigreed spurs. Attached to the rider's heel by straps, spurs could be used both to encourage horses to quickly move forward or to direct lateral movement. Early spurs had a short shanks or "neck", placing the rowel relatively close to the rider's heel; further developments in the spur shape lengthened the neck, making it easier to touch the horse with less leg movement on the part of the rider. A significant development which increased the importance and use of horses in harness, particularly for ploughing and other farm work, was the horse collar. The horse collar was invented in China during the 5th century, arrived in Europe during the 9th century, and became widespread throughout Europe by the 12th century. It allowed horses to pull greater weight than they could when hitched to a vehicle by means of yokes or breastcollars used in earlier times. The yoke was designed for oxen and not suited to the anatomy of horses, it required horses to pull with their shoulders rather than using the power of their hindquarters. Harnessed in such a manner, horse teams could pull no more than 500 kg. The breastplate-style harness that had flat straps across the neck and chest of the animal, while useful for pulling light vehicles, was of little use for heavy work. These straps pressed against the horse's sterno-cephalicus muscle and trachea, which restricted breathing and reduced the pulling power of the horse. Two horses harnessed with a breastcollar harness were limited to pulling a combined total of about 1,100 pounds (500 kg). In contrast, the horse collar rested on horses' shoulders and did not impede breathing. It allowed a horse to use its full strength, by pushing forward with its hindquarters into the collar rather than to pull with its shoulders. With the horse collar, a horse could provide a work effort of 50% more foot-pounds per second than an ox, because it could move at a greater speed, as well as having generally greater endurance and the ability to work more hours in a day. A single horse with a more efficient collar harness could draw a weight of about 1,500 pounds (680 kg). A further improvement was managed by altering the arrangement of the teams; by hitching horses one behind the other, rather than side by side, weight could be distributed more evenly, and pulling power increased. This increase in horse power is demonstrated in the building accounts of Troyes, which show carters hauling stone from quarries 50 miles (80 km) distant; the carts weighed, on average, 5,500 pounds (2,500 kg), on which 5,500 pounds (2,500 kg) of stone was regularly loaded, sometimes increasing to 8,600 pounds (3,900 kg) – a significant increase from Roman-era loads. The elite horseman of the Middle Ages was the knight. Generally raised from the middle and upper classes, the knight was trained from childhood in the arts of war and management of the horse. In most languages, the term for knight reflects his status as a horseman: the French chevalier, Spanish caballero and German Ritter. The French word for horse-mastery – chevalerie – gave its name to the highest concept of knighthood: chivalry. A large number of trades and positions arose to ensure the appropriate management and care of horses. In great households, the marshal was responsible for all aspects relating to horses: the care and management of all horses from the chargers to the pack horses, as well as all travel logistics. The position of marshal (literally "horse servant") was a high one in court circles and the king's marshal (such as the Earl Marshal in England) was also responsible for managing many military matters. Also present within the great households was the constable (or "count of the stable"), who was responsible for protection and the maintenance of order within the household and commanding the military component and, with marshals, might organise hastiludes and other chivalrous events. Within lower social groupings, the 'marshal' acted as a farrier. The highly-skilled marshal made and fitted horseshoes, cared for the hoof, and provided general veterinary care for horses; throughout the Middle Ages, a distinction was drawn between the marshal and the blacksmith, whose work was more limited. Most medieval women rode astride. While an early chair-like side-saddle with handles and a footrest was available by the 13th century and allowed women of the nobility to ride while wearing elaborate gowns, they were not universally adopted during the Middle Ages. This was largely due to the insecure seat they offered, which necessitated a smooth-gaited horse being led by another handler. The side-saddle did not become practical for everyday riding until the 16th century development of the pommel horn that allowed a woman to hook her leg around the saddle and hence use the reins to control her own horse. Even then, side-saddle riding remained a precarious activity until the invention of the second, "leaping horn" in the 19th century. It was not unknown for women to ride war horses, and take their part in warfare. Joan of Arc is probably the most famous female warrior of the medieval period, but there were others, including the Empress Matilda who, armoured and mounted, led an army against her cousin Stephen of Blois, and Stephen's wife Matilda of Boulogne in the 12th Century. The fifteenth-century writer Christine de Pizan advised aristocratic ladies that they must "know the laws of arms and all things pertaining to warfare, ever prepared to command her men if there is need of it."	Head
Banana cut, Dingle and Swingman are terms used in which sport?	Medieval Helmets, Renaissance Helmets and Medieval Helms from Dark Knight Armoury French Celtic Helm AH-6099 The Celts were a diverse and varied group of tribes that once occupied much of iron-age Europe. This French Celtic Helm is named partially for its origins, and partially because it is modeled after a Celtic helmet unearthed in France. Price: $139.00 German Closed Bellows Helmet AB2993 Armor only improved as time went by, and that was especially true for helmets. This German Closed Bellows Helmet replicates a 17th century armor that would have been the favorite of many warriors, thanks to its protective strength. Price: $112.00 German Gothic Sallet Helmet With Bevor DS-1725 As art experienced a new style known as gothic, so too did armor. This German Gothic Sallet Helmet with Bevor is a view of how armor took on the gothic styles of the time, creating appealing armor that was also protective to wear. Price: $395.00 German Sallet Helm ED8103 This helm has the popular gothic styling so favored by the German armourers of the late 1400s. Wonderful examples still exist today in museum and castle collections including the Tower of London in England. Price: $150.10 German Visored Sallet Helmet AH-3822B The sallet was a common helmet after their rise during the 15th century, and for good reason. Helms like this German Visored Sallet Helmet were rather protective, while also lacking the drawbacks of many earlier great helmets. Price: $149.00 Gold Engraved Spanish Round Morion Helm by Marto MA-924S The Gold Engraved Spanish Round Morion Helmet by Marto is a full size reproduction of a 16th century helmet. The helmet provided protection for the head and featured a rounded profile, semispherical crest, and a crescent shaped brim. Price: $395.00 Golden Knight Helmet ZS-910899 The Golden Knight Helmet is from around the 16th century. This beautiful museum quality, late 16th century replica is full sized and ready to wear. The Golden Knight Helmet is hand made of high carbon steel and fully wearable. Price: $131.90 Gothic Sallet Helmet - Dark Metal Finish MCI-2422 One look at the Gothic Sallet Helmet - Dark Metal Finish, and it is easy to see why the sallet was one of the more common helmets of the Middle Ages. Not only is this helmet protective, but also visually pleasing as well. Price: $140.00 Gothic Sallet Helmet - Steel Finish MCI-2421 Create a suit of armour befitting a German knight from the 15th century by including the Gothic Sallet Helmet. The descendent of the Italian bascinet, this war helmet became the preferred choice of armour for over a hundred years. Price: $130.00 Gothic Sallet Helmet With Bevor DS-1735 A lords armor was often adorned with detailing, while a foot soldiers armor was a bit more unadorned. That does not make it any less effective, and that point is proved when it comes to this Gothic Sallet Helmet with Bevor. Price: $395.00 Great Fighting Bascinet Helmet AB2971 Complying with SCA regulations, this Great Bascinet will provide full head protection for the re-enactor or fighter. The hinged visor is removable and the helm is fitted with attachment points for an aventail (see our AB2735 Aventail). Price: $229.00 Great Helmet AB0395 Used in the 13th Century, barrel helms were a necessity for men at arms. They provided the most coverage for the weight. The barrel helm was typically worn over mail, and originally only had the ocularium opening or eye slots. Price: $209.00 Great Helmet AH-3829N This Great Helmet is modeled after an actual archaeological find that was named the Pembridge Helmet. Crusaders, in particular, favored this style of helmet, and one like it were used from the 12th century to the 14th century. Price: $117.00 Houndskull Bascinet Helm AB2969 By the middle of the 14th century, many knights had discarded the previously favored great helms in favor of the then-modern bascinet helmet, as defenses like this Houndskull Bascinet Helm proved to be far more protective in battle. Price: $235.00 Houndskull Bascinet Helmet AB0423 The Bascinet is the most common form of helmet used in the middle ages. Originally developed to be worn under the great helm or barrel helm, the bascinet eventually evolved to include a retractable visor. Price: $229.00 Imperial Secret Helmet MCI-3094 A flashy helmet might impress your opponent in battle, but there are times when something more subtle is needed. The Imperial Secret Helmet makes the ideal choice for those moments with its sturdy yet unobtrusive design. Price: $51.00 Jaw Bone Visor Helmet AB0451 Visors were a late addition to medieval helmet. They came at a time when warriors had to chose between protection or better visibility. The visor changed that, allowing a man-at-arms could raise the visor to see the field. Price: $209.00 Kaldor Darkened Helmet MY100225 Call for your trusted henchman, and gather the dark troops. The land is yours for the taking. Set yourself as the cruel dictator of this kingdom. Let all fear your tyrannical image with the Kaldor Darkened Helmet upon your head. Price: $165.00 Kaldor Steel Helmet MY100224 Gather your trusted knights and arm your mighty soldiers. The kingdom must be safe from the cruel overlord. Show the strength of your leadership and reclaim your land with your proud head enclosed in the Kaldor Steel Helmet. Price: $143.00 Kettle Hat Helmet AH-6311 The typical Kettle Hat Helmet is shaped like a hat. Surprisingly, this design is quite effective, as it was favored throughout all of medieval Europe for quite some time, serving as excellent protection to all infantry who wore it. Price: $81.00 Kettle Hat Helmet MCI-3032 Grab your sword and shield, and step into rank as you prepare for battle with the Kettle Hat Helmet. This stunning replica helmet can be a great addition to any costume that requires an authentic and distinctive medieval style. Price: $101.00 Kings Crown Medieval Great Helm AH-3852 During the Crusades, the great helm was very much the pinnacle of design for a knights helmet. As such, even kings would have worn it! This Kings Crown Medieval Great Helm is one to suit his royal highness in virtually every way. Price: $158.00 Klappvisier Bascinet Helmet AB0427 The Bascinet is the most common form of helmet used in the middle ages. Originally developed to be worn under the great helm or barrel helm, the bascinet eventually evolved to include a retractable visor. Price: $205.00 Knight Helmet AH-3827 Knights, being both career soldiers and nobility, often had access to the best equipment of their age, so it makes sense that a Knight Helmet would be an impressive, protective piece of armor that shielded the head from all angles. Price: $104.00 Knights Bascinet ED8140 The Knights Bascinet is a classic full size helm of the 17th century. The round top design deflects blows minimizing a direct strike in battle. The fine visor of the helm is functional, and the helmet is made of 18 gauge steel. Price: $218.50 Knights Close Helmet ZS-910900 The Knights Close Helmet is from around the 16th century. In the legends of knights in shining armor, the gallant knights wore helmets styled as this! The Knights Close Helmet is hand made of high carbon steel and fully wearable. Price: $99.50 Knights Cross Sugar Loaf Helm AH-6929 The sugar loaf helm is one of the most iconic pieces of Crusades era armor, and it was one of the most popular among warriors of the High Middle Ages. This Knights Cross Sugar Loaf Helm will be a great addition to your knightly look. Price: $293.00 Knights Helmet AH-3831N The great helm was great for a number of reasons, but none as important as the level of protection it provided to the wearer. This Knights Helmet is a classic example of a medieval great helm that kept its wearer safe behind steel. Price: $140.00 Knights Templar Helm ED2504 Styled after an original helm of the Knights Templar, the Holy Order who fought in the Crusades. Great for SCA combat, this helm is not a lightweight. Each is handmade from 14 gauge steel. With padding, it is perfect for battle. Price: $207.10 Lobster-Tailed Pot Helmet AH-6785 The Lobster-Tailed Pot Helmet was one of the few European helmets that had a distinctively Oriental origin, being derived from an Ottoman Turkish helm of similar design. It was adopted by much of Europe throughout the 17th century. Price: $108.00 Loxley Helmet With Stand 882523 Medieval Collectibles is proud to offer this officially licensed replica of the Loxley Helmet, complete with stand, seen in the epic action-adventure motion picture Robin Hood from Universal Pictures and director Ridley Scott. Price: $349.00 Maciejowski Helm 300498 Thought to have been created in the 13th century, the Maciejowski Bible includes 46 folios of medieval pictures conveying Hebrew scripture. This Maciejowski Helm is a stunning Crusader helm designed in honor of this historic work. Price: $195.00 Magnus Visor Steel Helmet MY100231 The peaceful kingdom faces ruin once again. Another dragon terrorizes the townsfolk. Duty calls the gallant knight to face the monstrous beast. Face your fierce opponent while wisely cloaked within the Magnus Visor Steel Helmet. Price: $132.00 Masked Norman Helmet AH-3883 The usual Norman helm is similar to a spangenhelm, featuring a skull-cap and a nasal guard. That design is expanded on in this Masked Norman Helmet, featuring not a straight nasal guard, but instead, a full face mask for protection! Price: $135.00 Maximillian Helm AB1364 This Maximillian Helm is characterized by the fluted visor, popularized during the reign of the Emperor Maximilian. This style of armet remained in vogue until the mid-16th Century. The visor hinges up and the side plates hinge out. Price: $179.00 Medieval Bascinet with Face Plate AH-6916 First recorded in use in 1281, the bascinet saw use for nearly 170 years before its decline, and even then, it was a favorite by warriors in tournaments. This Medieval Bascinet with Face Plate demonstrates why it is such a great helm. Price: $223.00 Medieval Bascinet with Wire Mask AH-6916G First recorded in use in 1281, the bascinet saw use for nearly 170 years before its decline, and even then, it was a favorite by warriors in tournaments. This Medieval Bascinet with Wire Mask demonstrates why it is such a great helm. Price: $223.00 Medieval Battle Bascinet MHR-H0996MB The Medieval Battle Bascinet offers its wearer a historic take on head protection. This 12 gauge steel helmet features a slightly pointed, sugar loaf shape and a hinged visor, a common style of head protection for knights of old. Price: $150.00 Medieval Kettle Hat AB3949 Simple and sturdy are good words to use when you are describing this Medieval Kettle Hat. In fact, it is the simplicity of this helmet that makes it so popular, as the kettle hat saw use well beyond the medieval period and its helmets. Price: $175.00 Medieval Norman Helm with Aventail ZS-901128 Once the common helmet of the day, the Norman helmet protected not just foot soldiers but also lords and kings as well. This Medieval Norman Helmet with Aventail certainly has all the details necessary to be made for a noble or a king. Price: $73.50 Medieval Sporting Great Helm AH-6921 There is a certain appeal to historical European martial arts, one that continues even to this day. For the avid practitioner, good protection is a must. This Medieval Sporting Great Helm offers both good protection and an iconic look. Price: $225.00 Montefortino Celtic Helmet AH-6318N The Montefortino Celtic Helmet is designed off a helmet that was found in a Celtic burial site in Montefortino, Italy. The helm has a simple yet effective design that was favored by Celts, and later, the Romans. Price: $158.00 Morion Helmet 300451 Designed and introduced in the middle of the 16th Century, the Morion Helmet is an iconic part of the classic conquistador look. Beyond that, it is also a highly protective helmet that serves well in keeping the wearers noggin safe. Price: $185.00 Norman Helmet with Aventail AB1676 Your typical Norman helm might have been quite protective, but there were ways to improve it design. The Norman Helmet with Aventail is a classic helmet at its finest, with the added defenses of a mail aventail thrown in for good measure. Price: $145.00 Norman Nasal Helmet AB1500 At first glance, a helm like this Norman Nasal Helmet might appear to be similar to a spangenhelm, but the two are actually quite different, with the primary differences coming from how the two helms were constructed. Price: $79.00 Norman Spangenhelm AB1468 The spangehelm was popular throughout the medieval era, and for good reason, as it was a simple yet effective helmet that any warrior would wear into battle, and that is no different when it comes to this Norman Spangenhelm helmet. Price: $95.00 Norman Spangenhelm 300455 The quintessential medieval helmet, the Norman Spangenhelm will complete almost any medieval soldier look with its open face and nose guard, and with its tough black lining its no chore to wear either. Price: $185.00 North Italian Barbute Helmet AH-3843 Born of 15th Century Italian ingenuity, the barbute is something of an enigma. As a helmet, its design is effective, as shown by this North Italian Barbute Helmet, yet historically, it was favored heavily in Italy yet no-where else. Price: $144.00 North Italian Sallet Helmet AH-3822C The sallet was a common enough helmet after their rise during the 15th century, and for good reason. Helms like this Northern Italian Sallet Helmet were rather protective, while also lacking the drawbacks of many earlier great helmets. Price: $149.00 Olmbutz Helm AB0439 The Olmbutz Helmet is so named not because of a design, but rather because of where it was found in the Czech Republic. This helmet dates back to the 11th century and is a rather simple yet effective piece of protection. Price: $145.00 Open Faced Burgonet Helm AH-6781 As armor evolved, so too did helmets, which eternally moved towards a blend of lightness and protection. This Open Faced Burgonet Helm, and historical pieces like it, was the renaissance solution to a helmet that was light and effective. Price: $143.00 Ornate Medieval Horseman Helm ZS-901130 This Ornate Medieval Horseman Helm would have made any rider noticeable in battle, as it features gleaming detail and fine engravings, enough so make this helmet a kingly piece to own and enjoy as decoration in your own castle or home. Price: $69.00 Over Wearer Great Helmet AH-3829L There are a number of reasons as to why the great helm earned its name, although the least of which is probably because this Over Wearer Great Helmet made the wearer look like a great, powerful, and intimidating warrior or knight. Price: $153.00 Pig Face Bassinet Helmet AH-3810 The bassinet was a helmet that came to use around the beginning of the 14th century. Originally, they had no visors, but eventually, the helmet evolved into this Pig Faced Bassinet, which was favored by warriors of all ranks. Price: $158.00 Pikemans Peaked Morion Helm AH-A031H Many would associate this Pikemans Peaked Morion Helm with the Spaniards and their Conquistadors, but the truth is that it was a style of helmet that was favored all across Europe, by many different warriors from many different nations. Price: $90.00 Pot Helmet With Visor AB3351 This Pot Helmet, built to comply with SCA regulations, is both aesthetically appealing and highly functional. The Pot Helmet is crafted in 14 gauge steel with its great cross overlaid in brass. Price: $219.00 Ready For Battle Helmet - Steel MCI-2434 If you are heading into battle, you had best have a helmet. Why? Because your head is your most important part! Even if you are short on cash, you can still get a good helmet in this Ready for Battle Helmet - Steel. Price: $48.00 Reinforced Medieval Kettle Helm AH-3880 Around 1011, England produced what would become one of the most lasting helmets of the Medieval Era. This Reinforced Medieval Kettle Helm is a type of helmet that was favored by foot soldiers and infantry throughout and beyond the age. Price: $122.00 Relief Engraved Spanish Horse Helm by Marto MA-902-2S This Relief Engraved Spanish Horse Helmet by Marto is a reproduction of helmets used by mounted knights during the reign of Charles V and Philip II, which, today, are a part of the collection of the Real Armeria (Royal Armory) in Madrid. Price: $1,400.00 Royal Over Bearer Great Helm AH-6109 A unique aspect of the great helm was that its size allowed for it to be worn over a light helmet. This Royal Over Bearer Great Helm is one such example of helm that, historically, might have been worn with a secondary helm underneath. Price: $117.00 Sallet Helmet AB2731 The sallet or salade was popular across much of Europe throughout the second half of the 15th century. This reconstruction features a moveable visor (introduced late in the period to improve visibility). Price: $239.00	i don't know
In the game of Scrabble, the ‘M’ tile is worth how many points?	Keeping Score in Scrabble - Letter Tiles and Point Values How to Keep Score in Scrabble Keeping Score in Scrabble Knowing how to keep score in Scrabble is simple, but it’s also important. Each letter in Scrabble has its own value, while certain points on a Scrabble board are worth more points than others. Finally, there are a few special circumstances where Scrabble scoring differs than in other points of the game. Scrabble Letter Tiles – Point Values Below is a table showing the point values of each tile in Scrabble. I’ll include a table to show how many of each letter exists in a standard Scrabble game, as well. When you play one of these letter tiles on the Scrabble board, you get the point value indicated on the letter tile. Scrabble Point Distribution A – E – I – O – - U – L – N – R – S – T = 1 point D – G = 2 points B – C – M – P = 3 points F – H – W – Y – V = 4 points K = 5 points J – X = 8 points Q – Z = 10 points The following table shows how many of each letters there are in a standard game of Scrabble. In all, there are 100 tiles to play in any given Scrabble game. Scrabble Letter Distribution 1: J – K – X – Q – Z 2: B – C – F – H – M – P – W – Y – V – Blank Tiles 3: G 4: D – L – S – U 6: N – R – T 10: E Double and Triple Scores When any of the letters of a word you place on the board covers a double or triple score, apply that modifier to your word score. If it’s a double or triple letter score, only modify the score for the letter on that tile. If it’s a double or triple word score, add up the score for all the tiles and then multiply the amount by the modifier. If you happen to cross two or more modifiers with your word, apply all of them. If you cross a triple letter score and a double word score, then multiple the triple score letter by x3 and then multiple the whole word score by x2. If you happen to cross two word multipliers, then remember to multiple the word score by both values. In this way, scores can reach large numbers. There is a limiting factor to the scores made by these tiles, though. That’s because, once used, these tiles can’t be reused for the purposes of multipliers. Reusing Double and Triple Scores After a double-word or triple-word score has been used and figured, that space will not be worth a double- or triple-word score again in the game. The same goes for double-letter and triple-letter scores. For example, imagine that a letter tile saying double-word score, like the one you play off of at the beginning of the game, is “activated” at the beginning of the game. Whoever plays off that tile first gets a double-word score. But the next player who builds a word off that same letter does not get a double-word score. This rule is there for several purposes, but it keeps people from simply beating opponents by playing an -s or -ed or -ing at the end of words on the board. You can still do so, but you won’t score as many points (or more) if the original word played involved double- or triple-word scoring. 50 Point Bonus If at any time, you use all 7 tiles in your rack one on play, you get an automatic 50 point bonus. This does not apply in the endgame scenario when you have less than 7 letters on your rack, of course. Final Scores in Scrabble Who “goes out” also has a big affect on the score. Eventually, the letter tiles will run out. When this happens, you will have a dwindling number of letter tiles on your rack. When this happens, the first person to get rid of all the letters on their rack on their turn “goes out”. The scoring is not yet finished, though. Every player with letters should add up the point values of those letters. These players should subtract that letter amount from their score. Once this is done, the point value for all those letters should also be added up collectively and added to the score of the person who “went out” or got rid of all their letter tiles first. In this way, the winner of a Scrabble game is often determined by who goes out first. This can be forgotten or only half-applied with new Scrabble players, so knowing how to score correctly in Scrabble is important.	three
Which film won the Oscar for Best Picture at the 2011 Academy Awards?	Scrabble Rules - How to Play Scrabble - Official SCRABBLE Rules Scrabble Rules Links to Scrabble rules and Scrabble official game instructions. Two to four players play in any game of Scrabble. The object of Scrabble is to score more points than one's opponent. A player collects points by placing words on the game board. Each letter has a different point value, so the strategy becomes to play words with high scoring letter combinations. The Scrabble Board A Scrabble game board is made of up cells in a square grid. The Scrabble board is 15 cells wide by 15 cells high. The Scrabble tiles fit within these cells one to a cell. Scrabble Tiles Scrabble is played with exactly 100 tiles. 98 of these tiles contain letters on them, while there are 2 blank tiles. These blank tiles add a wildcard aspect to Scrabble. The blanks substitute for any letter in the alphabet. Once played, a blank tile remains for the remainder of the game the letter for which it was substituted when first played. Various letters have different point values, depending on the rarity of the letter and the difficulty in playing it. Blank tiles have no point value. Tile Values Here are the point values for each letter in Scrabble. 0 Points - Blank tile. 1 Point - A, E, I, L, N, O, R, S, T and U. 2 Points - D and G. 3 Points - B, C, M and P. 4 Points - F, H, V, W and Y. 5 Points - K. 8 Points - J and X. 10 Points - Q and Z. Extra Point Values Some squares on the Scrabble board represent multipliers. If a tile is placed on this square, then the tile's value is multiplied by a factor or either 2x or 3x. Certain tiles multiply the point value of an entire word and not simply the tile on that space. Double Letter Scores - Light blue cells are found isolated on the board. When a tile is placed on this space, that tile's point value is multiplied by two. Triple Letter Score - This is a dark blue cell on the Scrabble. The tile placed on this square has its points multiplied by three. Double Word Score - Light red cells are found running diagonally towards the four corners of the board. When a player plays a word on one of these squares, the point value of the entire word is multiplied by two. Triple Word Score - This is a dark red square on the Scrabble board. These are found on the four sides of the board equidistant from the four corners of the board. When a word is played using this square, then the points for the word are multiplied by three. One Single Use - Note that extra point squares are only usable once. If one player plays a word using this cells, then the next time that space is used to make a word, the point value is not multiplied. Starting the Game Without looking into the tile bag, each of the Scrabble players takes one tile out of the tile bag. Whichever player has the letter closest to the beginning of the alphabet goes first. A blank tile is considered better than an "A". These tiles are placed into the bag once more. Starting the game, each player begins their turn by drawing seven tiles apiece from the bag. The player can do one of three things on a turn. The player can place a word, exchange tiles or pass. Most of the time, the player will take the option of playing a word. Exchanging tiles allows a player to replace anywhere between one and all of the tiles on the player's rack. If this option is taken, the player cannot do anything else that hand. Therefore, a tile exchange cannot be performed on a turn when the player places a word on the board. A player may pass at any time. If all player's pass twice in a row, then the game ends. The First Word Score A player begins the game by placing a word on the star square at the center of the board. This star acts as a double word score. The star cell does not act as a double word score for subsequent players playing off the center square. Play continues in a clockwise direction around the Scrabble board. Replacing Scrabble Tiles When a player places tiles on the Scrabble board, that player draws new tiles from the tile bag, adding until that player's number of tiles equals seven. The player must not look at the tiles when choosing new ones. Tile selection is usually done by holding the bag above the eye line, then reaching into the bag to add tiles one by one. The Fifty Point Bonus When a player is able to place all seven tiles from the tile rack on the board at the same time, that player receives a 50 point bonus. In end game scenarios, when the players hold less than the standard seven tiles, a player does not get the 50 point bonus for using all the tiles on the rack. The End of a Scrabble Game When all of the tiles have been taken from the bag and one player has used all of the tiles on their rack, then the game ends. Tallying Scrabble Scores Once the game has ended, each player counts the points on the tiles left remaining in their rack. Each player has that number deducted from their final score. The player who ended the game and who therefore has no more tiles remaining is given an added bonus. Add the total of all points of all remaining players with tiles left on their racks. This number is added to the final score of the player who is "out" of tiles. The Scrabble player with the highest score after all final scores are tallied wins. Accepted Scrabble Words Players may place any word which can be found in a standard English language dictionary. Official Scrabble dictionaries also can be found in bookstores and online. Types of words which cannot be used are abbreviations, prefixes and suffixes. Words that require a hyphen or an apostrophe cannot be played. Words that are spelled with a capital letter cannot be used. Generally speaking in an English-language game of Scrabble, foreign words cannot be placed on the Scrabble board. If those words appear in a standard English dictionary, then the word is allowable. This is because the word is spoken often enough by native English-speakers that it has become a part of the English language. See also:	i don't know
A ‘Scouser’ is a native of which English city?	Scouser - definition of Scouser by The Free Dictionary Scouser - definition of Scouser by The Free Dictionary http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Scouser a. often Scous·er (skou′sər) A native or resident of Liverpool, England. b. often Scouse The dialect of English spoken in Liverpool. Liverpool - a large city in northwestern England; its port is the country's major outlet for industrial exports English person - a native or inhabitant of England Translations Scouser n (Brit inf) → Liverpooler(in) m(f) Want to thank TFD for its existence? Tell a friend about us , add a link to this page, or visit the webmaster's page for free fun content . Link to this page: scouse References in periodicals archive ? The other Scouser abroad that I must tell you about went to America in 1997 with PS2,000 and a suitcase he bought at a car boot sale. Heard the one about...? It's time for a laugh again Bet365 - number of red cards in Merseyside derby: 2-5 none, 11-4 one, 6 two or more; S Gerrard/P Neville specials: 5-6 either player booked, 9 either player sent off; number of Premier League red cards this weekend: 2 two, three or more, 9-4 one, 5 none; Scouser (Gerrard, Carragher,	Liverpool
The volcanic rock Kimberlite is best known for sometimes containing which gemstone?	Liverpool sayings: Top 26 things only Scousers say - a guide to the Scouse dictionary - Liverpool Echo Liverpool sayings: Top 26 things only Scousers say - a guide to the Scouse dictionary Here's a list of popular Liverpool or Scouse sayings - feel free to add your own Share Liverpool sayings: Top 26 things only Scousers say Share Get daily updates directly to your inbox + Subscribe Could not subscribe, try again laterInvalid Email Liverpool is well known for it's Scouse language and popular sayings. We asked Echo readers for their favourites - here's a selection. Have we missed any? Let us know in the comments. 1. Non Scouser - a person from Runcorn, Wirral, Southport, St Helens etc; specifically from provincial town outside of Liverpool. Scouse saying - Wool, woolyback. Usage: 'That's proper Wool behaviour, like.' 2. Generic proclamation of positivity Scouse saying - Go 'ed, is right, nice one, boss, well in, sound, belter, made up. Usage: 'Go 'ed, lad, get us an ale in, nice one.' 3. Generic proclamation of negativity Scouse saying - devoed, bitter, gutted, eeeeeeeee! Usage: 'Lost a tenner down the alehouse, proper devoed, lad.' 4. Fake - not true or real. Meant to look real or genuine but not real or genuine Scouse saying Jarg, blag, plazzy - sometimes applied when referring to knock-off goods from a spurious source. Usage: 'Got these jarg sunnies (see 18) down the alehouse off this dodgy auld fella (see 5).' See also - plazzy Scousers - anyone from the Wirral, Kirkby etc. 5. Man - An adult male human Scouse saying - Lad, la, lid, sconner, fella, kidda, auld fella, our kid, mate, arlarse (not to be confused with arlarse - meaning out of order). Usage: 'Alright, lad, you goin the game (football) later, with your auld fella?' 6. Woman - An adult female human Scouse saying: bird, queen, me ma', mam, me nan, me gran. Usage: 'I'm taking me bird out later for some scran (see 17).' 7. Busy - sustaining much activity: a busy morning; a busy street. Scouse saying: chocka, chocka block, rammed. Usage: 'Went down The Asda (see 19) earlier with me bird, proper gutted it was chocka - took us ages to get served, gutted.' 8. Avoid - to stay away from or prevent the occurrence of Scouse saying: swerve. Usage: 'No fella, swerve The Asda, me mate told us it's chocka.' 9. Generic term to add on to any given word. Scouse saying - like. 10. Cigarettes - a small roll of paper that is filled with cut tobacco and smoked Scouse saying: ciggy, bifter Usage: 'Hey fella, gotta ciggy?' 11. Beer - A fermented alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and flavored with hops. Scouse saying: ale, bevvie, a few scoops, jar. Usage: 'Get the ale in lad, I'm dying for a bevvie.' 12. Off-licence - a shop that sells alcoholic beverages and cigarettes for consumption off the premises. Scouse saying: offie Usage: 'Just going down the offie, like, for some ale and ciggies, you want anything, fella?' 13. Impoverished - poverty-stricken, without money Scouse saying: skint, brassic. Usage: 'Staying in mate, devoed, I'm proper skint.' 14. Old fashioned - of a kind that is no longer in style. Scouse saying: antwacky Usage: 'Our kid's clobber (see 22) is proper antwacky.' 15. Generic insult Scouse saying: Divvy, beaut, meff, blert, whopper, weapon, quilt, soft lad, muppet. Usage: 'Seen this proper divvy, like, selling jarg bifters.' 16. Shoes - a durable covering for the human foot. Scouse saying: trabs, trainees, webbs. Usage: 'Got these boss new trabs off me ma' for Christmas.' 17. Food - any nourishing substance eaten or drunk to sustain life, provide energy, promote growth, etc. Scouse saying: scran. Usage: 'Off to me ma's for tea - she does proper boss scran, y'know.' See also: evening meal is popularly referred to as 'tea' and first meal of the day 'brekkie' 18. Spectacles / sunglasses - lenses for correcting faulty vision/glasses with tinted lenses to protect the eyes from the sun's glare Scouse saying: bins, giggs, sunnies, shades Usage: 'Got these jarg shades off this wool, they're a bit antwacky but I was skint, like.' 19. Asda - popular supermarket chain Scouse saying: The Asda Usage: 'Going down The Asda with me bird for some scran.' 20. About - almost nearly; used to indicate that a number, amount, time, etc - is not exact or certain Scouse saying: abar Usage: 'Devoed lad, I've only got abar four bifters left, like.' 21. Cold - having a very low temperature Scouse saying: baltic, freezin'. Usage: 'Devoed, girl, I left me coat at home and it was proper baltic. Must've been abar minus 40.' 22. Clothes - articles of dress; wearing apparel; garments Scouse saying: clobber, threads. Usage: 'Tell you what, la, I really need new clobber but I'm proper skint.' 23. Generic term to give grief Scouse saying: Down the banks, doing my head in, wrecking my head. Usage: 'This beaut was doing my head in so I gave him down the banks, like.' 24. Hospital - An institution that provides medical, surgical, or psychiatric care and treatment for the sick or the injured. Scouse saying: The ozzy Usage: 'Going down the ozzy, mate, think I've broken me finger.' 25. To conclude prematurely. Scouse saying: sack off, jibbed, spewed Usage: 'Me mate sacked his bird off - she was doing his head in.' 26. Ice lolly - an ice cream or water ice on a stick. Scouse saying: Lolly ice. Usage: 'Going down the shop to get a lolly ice, lad.' Like us on Facebook	i don't know
Perkin, Posie and Pootle were characters in which children’s tv programme?	Little Gems - The Flumps Little Gems Click above for the end theme music (highly compressed 518Kb zipped Wav to 1.1Mb decompressed) The Flumps This is a real blast from the past and was a strange one as it never made it to prime time BBC television at 15:55 onwards. For some reason it was always on at around 13:30-13:45 weekly on BBC1 or BBC2. The end credits show a David Yates Ltd. copyright of 1976 so it was probably first shown on TV around that year or 1977 as my Radiotimes magazines from that era have it listed as. Surprisingly, there were only 13 episodes made, a bit like Mr. Benn really, when it seems there were many more. This superb little series was created & written by Julie Holder and narrated by the talented Gay Soper. Gays Soper's wonderful voice, especially when singing the little songs brings back very vivid memories of this series. Each episode lasted in excess of 13+ minutes and centred around the Flump family. The Flumps were small ball shaped puppets filmed using a stop motion camera. The family was headed by Father Flump who was very clever and often invented things. Mother Flump spent most of her time tidying and did the cooking and often read to the young Flumps, stories from the big book. Perkin Flump was the eldest of the children and often wore a yellow and blue hat. Posie was the only girl and she always wore a bright blue ribbon on her head. Pootle was the youngest member of the Flump family, he often got things confused and he sometimes wore a white hat. Grandfather Flump was the oldest Flump and spent most of his time either in the garden playing with the younger Flumps or playing his Flumpet (musical instrument). If Grandfather was not doing any of the above then he would sometimes be found sitting in the comfy chair reading his paper or sleeping under it as was often the case. He always woke up for tea though, especially if Mother Flump had been baking. Each episode also contained a story or pictures from Mother Flumps big book. The lack of detailed movement with their eyes was more than made up for with the delicate movements and action of their hands. They certainly don't make them like this anymore. Characters	The Flumps
Logan International Airport serves which US city?	Bod (TV Series 1975– ) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. Error The adventures of a little boy called Bod, who lives in a town with his friends Aunt Flo, P.C. Copper, Frank the Postman and Farmer Barleymow. Each episode also featured Alberto Frog and his Amazing Animal Band. Stars: a list of 238 titles created 08 Feb 2012 a list of 75 titles created 02 May 2012 a list of 30 titles created 23 Nov 2012 a list of 699 titles created 09 Aug 2014 a list of 83 titles created 10 May 2015 Search for " Bod " on Amazon.com Connect with IMDb Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. When Jamie shines his Magic Torch on the floor of his bedroom a hole appears, leading Jamie and Wordsworth the sheepdog to the psychedelic fantasy world of Cuckooland. Stars: Brian Trueman, Kate Murray-Henderson Charming finger puppet series with Yoffy (Jones) telling stories featuring Fingermouse, Scampi, Gulliver the Seagull, and other animal characters. Stars: Rick Jones Popular British children's animation series, repeated almost constantly since 1971. Mr Benn is the ordinary, bowler-hatted office worker who lives in the ordinary suburban street of Festive... See full summary » Stars: Ray Brooks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 7.6/10 X A sequel, of sorts, to Camberwick Green but set in the larger, nearby town of Trumpton. Each episode opens with the town hall clock and ends with the fire brigade band playing. Every show tells the story of one of the townsfolk. Stars: Brian Cant The Flumps (TV Series 1976) Animation \| Family The adventures of a family of cute, furry creatures - The Flumps. Grandpa Flump, Ma and Pa Flump, their eldest son Perkin, daughter Posie and youngest son Pootle. Each episode contains fun songs and a story from the 'Big Book'. Stars: Gay Soper Harold and Ethel Meaker live in South Ealing and run 'Rentaghost' where they rent ghosts out to the public. Over the years many ghosts came and went but the main Rentaghost crew consisted ... See full summary » Stars: Michael Staniforth, Edward Brayshaw, Anthony Jackson Children's puppet programme featuring music and stories. Stars: Geoffrey Hayes, Roy Skelton, Stanley Bates A melancholic children's animation from the 'Smallfilms' team of Postgate and Firmin. Bagpuss and his friends are toys in a turn of the century shop for 'found things'. When young Emily ... See full summary » Stars: Oliver Postgate, Sandra Kerr, John Faulkner Children's animation from the 'Smallfilms' team of Postgate and Firmin. In the 'top, left hand corner of Wales' runs an archaic railway line staffed by such characters as Jones the Steam ... See full summary » Stars: Olwen Griffiths, Anthony Jackson, Oliver Postgate The true story of Sherwood Forest is finally revealed: Robin was a cowardly tailor from Kensington, and Marian was the brains behind the Merry Men. With her ruthless band of freedom ... See full summary » Stars: Kate Lonergan, Adam Morris, Danny John-Jules 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 8.5/10 X A team of 6 contestants play a series of physical, mental, skill and mystery games across 4 themed zones gaining as many crystals as possible which determine how many seconds they get as they attempt to win a prize inside the Crystal Dome. Stars: Richard O'Brien, Edward Tudor-Pole, Sandra Caron Button Moon (TV Series 1980) Family Mr Spoon and his family live on Junk Planet. He travels in his baked bean tin spaceship across blanket sky to Button Moon. There he meets many strange characters and watches stories unfold on other planets using his telescope. Stars: Robin Parkinson Edit Storyline A fondly remembered British children's animated show. Bod is a curious little boy who lives in a small town. Bod has four friends who live nearby and in most editions of the show he meets up with all of them at some point. Bod's friends are Aunt Flo - a little old lady. Frank - the local postman. P.C. Copper - the local policeman and Farmer Barleymow - a local farmer. Each character has their own signature tune. The group have some very small scale adventures often with some moral to them and frequently quite surreal. Every edition of the show originally featured a segment entitled Alberto Frog and his Amazing Animal Band, but a number of these segments are now thought lost. The main story is narrated by John Le Mesurier of Dad's Army fame. Written by Mark_a_Wood <[email protected]> 10 October 1975 (UK) See more » Company Credits (Birmingham, England) – See all my reviews This was a strange programme, with basic animation but nevertheless there was something about Bod that kept me amused as a kid. "Here comes Bod" the narrator would say, we'd hear a cheeky sounding theme tune played on a piccolo and see a boy with a bald head and an evil face wearing a yellow dress walking towards us! Yes really!! Bod also had 4 friends: Aunt Flo, Frank the Postman, Farmer Barleymow and PC Copper (each had their own theme tune - courtesy of Derek Griffiths)every episode they would do something like go to the Park, the Beach etc. Then at the end we saw them walking away into the distance hearing that mischievous sounding piccolo again. BUT!! At the end of some episodes we were treated to a story about a frog called Alberto who had an animal band, basically whatever the problem was the frog would get his band to play some music......and the problem was solved and frog was always rewarded with a milkshake. Finally we had a song and a game of snap before the end credits. All of this sounds insane, but I recently bought this on DVD and was relieved to find out that I am not mad and didn't dream any of this up. Also I enjoyed seeing it again after all this time and I can honestly say my slightly mocking tones are nothing but affectionate. 20 of 20 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes	i don't know
What type of animal is a karakul?	Breeds of Livestock - Karakul Sheep — Breeds of Livestock, Department of Animal Science Breeds of Livestock, Department of Animal Science Breeds of Livestock - Karakul Sheep Breeds of Livestock - Karakul Sheep Karakul Also Known By: Karakul'skaya (Russian), Astrakhan, Bukhara , Karagül (Turkey) The Karakul may be the oldest breed of domesticated sheep. Archeological evidence indicates the existence of the Persian lambskin as early as 1400 B.C. and carvings of a distinct Karakul type have been found on ancient Babylonian temples. Although known as the "fur" sheep, the Karakul provided more than the beautifully patterned silky pelts of the young lambs. They were also a source of milk, meat, tallow, and wool, a strong fiber that was felted into fabric or woven into carpeting. The Karakul is native to Central Asia and is named after a village called Karakul which lies in the valley of the Amu Darja River in the former emirate of Bokhara, West Turkestan. This region is one of high altitude with scant desert vegetation and a limited water supply. A hard life imparted to the breed a hardiness and ability to thrive under adverse conditions, which is distinctive of the Karakul sheep to this day. Karakuls were introduced.to the U.S. between 1908 and 1929 for pelt production. Very few animals were obtained. U.S. breeders, in their eagerness to produce a large quantity of pelts, introduced other breeds into the bloodlines. This produced pelts of inferior quality and eventually the industry and the flocks were dispersed. Even in their native regions, the demand for furs resulted in a crossing and intermingling of native fat-tailed sheep so that the native flocks exhibit wide variations in type and color. This lack of uniformity is apparent. Body and fleece types vary even in those Karakuls capable of producing lambs of high quality fur. With a growing interest in the fiber arts in the United States, there has been an increased interest in the Karakul sheep. It is a specialty breed that is finding its niche as part of the cottage industry. The fleece is seen in a variety of natural colors. In its native region the colors are called by the following names; Arabi (black), Guligas (pink-roan), Kambar (brown), Shirazi (grey) and Sur (agouti). Occationally individuals are white or pied. This is partially due to its multiple uses: fur, fleece, and meat, along with the qualities of hardiness and adaptability. Today there are small farm flocks scattered throughout the U.S. Characteristics of the Karakul The harsh conditions under which they evolved has given them strong and lasting teeth, a key to their longevity. They are resistant to internal parasites and foot rot. While they respond to good feed and care, they are excellent foragers and will go through a season of scant food or graze marginal land in which ordinary sheep would not survive. Karakuls withstand extremes of either hot or cold but they should have access to dry cover and be kept out of marshy pastures. Karakuls breed out of season, making it possible for three lamb crops in two years. Single lambs are the rule, although twins are born occasionally. The ewes are very protective and attentive mothers, resulting in a high lamb survival rate. The Karakuls posses a strong flocking instinct and can be run either on open range or in fenced pastures. They do not herd well; they are likely to scatter or fight a dog trying to herd them. The Karakuls differ radically in conformation from many other breeds. They are of the fat broadtailed type of sheep. In their large tail is stored fat, a source of nourishment, similar in function to the camel's hump. The narrow appendage below this fat sack is often recurved, giving an S shape. Karakuls are medium-size sheep. The rams will weigh between 175-225 pounds and the ewes range from 100-150 pounds. They stand tall, with a long, narrow body. The top line is highest at the loin with the rump long and sloping, blending into a low set broadtail. The head is long and narrow, slightly indented between the eyes and often exhibiting a Roman type nose. The long ears are always pointing downward and slightly forward and vary from a long U shape to small V shape, or may be entirely absent. The long neck is carried semi-erect. The legs are medium to long, and light in bone. Rams can be polled or horned; horns vary from short to large outwardly curved spirals. Ewes are generally hornless. Wattles are not unusual. The Karakul is distinguished by its colored fleece, which is due to a dominate black gene. Most lambs are born coal black with lustrous wavy curls, with the face, ears, and legs usually showing smooth, sleek hair. As the lamb grows, the curls opens and loses its pattern and the color generally begins to turn brownish or bluish gray, getting grayer with age. Other colors include a wide range of shades; silver blues grays, golden tans, reddish browns, white with flecks of other colors include a wide range of shades; silver blues, grays, golden tans, reddish browns, white with flecks of other colors and occasionally pure white. Many adults have a double coat, a fine down undercoat, covered by a coat of guard hair. The best have a fleece as glossy as their lamb coat. But there is a great variability in the fleece type of both coats, from "horse tail" coarse to silky soft. The Karakul produces a lightweight, high-volume, strong fiber fleece that, at its best is long and lustrous, usually with no crimp. Considered long-stapled (average 6" to 12" per year), the fleece lacks a high grease content. It is easily spun, with little preparation. It produces a superior carpet yam, is often used for rugs and saddle blankets, outer garments and wall-hangings, and has an excellent felting ability. It is the wool from which the art of felting evolved. The American Karakul Sheep Registry The American Karakul Sheep Registry is a roster of the U.S. Karakuls to the degree that it is supported by the Karakul breeders. As an organization it has evolved from the Karakul Fur Sheep Registry founded in the 1930's and is now recognized as the national registry for the breed. It is open to all breeders of quality Karakuls. Its purposes are to provide a recording service, to work towards a high standard of quality in the Karakuls and to promote and thereby preserve the breed in the U.S. The Karakul is considered a rare breed in the U.S. and most likely will remain so; current population is estimated at 1300 animals. Large flocks are still to be found outside the U.S. especially in Central Asia and South Africa. All current U.S. stock is descended from the original importation and the importation of new bloodlines is restricted by government regulations. The goal is to upgrade the current stock with selective breeding, to a Karakul of pure type. References:	Sheep
Who developed bifocal spectacles in 1784?	Karakul (Astrakhan, Bukhara, Persian Lamb) \| The Spinning Loft The Spinning Loft S-Z Karakul (Astrakhan, Bukhara, Persian Lamb) The Karakul may be the oldest breed of domesticated sheep. Archeological evidence indicates the existence of the Persian lambskin as early as 1400 B.C. and carvings of a distinct Karakul type have been found on ancient Babylonian temples. Native to the plains of Central Asia, Karakuls differ radically in conformation from most other American breeds. They are of the fat broad tailed type of sheep. In their large tail is stored fat, a source of nourishment, similar in function to the camel’s hump. In Central Asia and South Africa , large flocks of Karakuls are still raised for pelt production from very young lambs. The skins of baby lambs with their tightly curled wool are used in the “Persian lamb” fur trade. Karakuls were introduced to the United States between 1908 and 1929. They are a specialty breed in the U.S. Their fleeces, long and colorful, are prized by hand spinners. Karakul wool is the wool upon which the art of felting evolved. The Karakul classified as a “rare” breed by the American Livestock Breeds Conservancy. Breed categories: double-coated, fat-tailed, rare Distribution: Worldwide The Karakul sheep is a type of fat-tailed sheep, very common to the African and Asian continents, but considered a rare breed in the US and Canada. The Karakul has some unique qualities. It has a dominant black gene, so a very high percentage of these sheep are born black. A desert animal (originally) that stores fat in its tail for nourishment in lean times, it is very hardy and adaptable. The pelts of the Karakul lambs are historically referred to as “Persian lamb” or “Broadtail”. This pelt is a lustrous coat of intricately patterned curls. They were legendary trade items on the ancient Silk Road of China, and were used extensively in America (for the first part of the 1900s) as a fabric for coats, jackets, and hats. For these reasons, the Karakul is often known as the “Fur Sheep”. Their devoted shepherds love their exotic carriage, intelligence, hardiness, common-sense instincts, beauty, and independence. And of course, their rich history, which is unparalleled by any other breed of sheep! History of the Karakul The Karakul is possibly the oldest breed of domesticated sheep. Archeological evidence indicates the existence of the Persian lambskins as early as 1400 B.C., and carvings of a distinct Karakul type have been found in ancient Babylonian temples. Although known as the “fur sheep”, the Karakul provided more than beautifully patterned silky pelts for its owner. These sheep also were a source of milk, meat, tallow, and fiber. The wool of the adult Karakul (a very strong fiber) was felted or spun into fabric for garments, footwear, carpets, and yurts, among other uses. The Karakul is native to Central Asia and is named after a village called Karakul. Karakul lies in the valley of the Amu Darja River in the former emirate of Bokhara, West Turkestan. This region is now known as Uzbekistan. It is one of high altitude, with scant desert vegetation and a limited water supply. This made for a difficult life, which imparted to the breed a hardiness and an ability to thrive under adverse conditions. This is distinctive of the modern Karakul. Karakuls were first introduced to the United States between 1908 and 1929. Pelt production was the goal, but very few animals were obtained. It was of course necessary to cross them with other breeds to obtain the quantity of pelts required by the fledgling industry. The first cross produced quality fur pelts, but there was an inadequate number of purebreds to guarantee the success of the industry. Eventually the flocks were dispersed, and many of the original rams were lost. The introduction of other breeds into the bloodlines has resulted in wide variations in body type and fleece characteristics. This lack of uniformity is apparent also in the native flocks. It is interesting, however, that the true Karakul traits that are so unique to the breed continue to persist even though other breeds have been introduced. This has left us with a type of sheep having a rather wide definition, but it cannot be argued that the characteristics which Karakuls have in common with each other are distinctive and make them quite different from any other sheep breed found in the US today. Characteristics of the Karakul Karakuls are medium-sized sheep, but they differ radically in conformation from many other breeds. They are considered a fat-tailed (or broad-tailed) sheep, but theirs is not always an extreme version of such. We see a great variation in the size of the tail among individual sheep. Karakuls, like most sheep, are born with a long tail. The upper half contains a sack which begins to fill up with fat as soon as the animal is born. This section of the tail has fleece on the outside and smooth skin on the underside. The lower half of the tail is an appendage that is covered with fleece/hair. They can point straight down, or, as some do, curve back up (similar to an “S”). Some breeders leave the entire tail intact, while others choose to dock the lower portion. The upper half is never removed, however, as its purpose is nutrient storage (similar in function to a camel’s hump). The Karakul ram can weigh between 175-225 pounds (80-100 kg), while the ewes range from 100-150 pounds (45-70 kg). They stand tall, with a long, narrow body. The top line is highest at the loin, with the rump long and sloping, blending into a low-set tail. The head is long and narrow, slightly indented between the eyes, and often exhibiting a Roman-type nose. The ears are usually long, but can range from large to tiny, and can even be absent. They typically point downward and slightly forward. The long neck is carried semi-erect. The legs are medium to long and often light in bone. Rams can be polled or horned; horns vary from short to large outwardly curved spirals. Ewes are generally hornless, but not necessarily. Wattles can also be found on some individuals. The Karakul is distinguished by its colored fleece, which is due to a dominant black gene. Most lambs are born coal black with lustrous wavy curls, with the face, ears, and legs usually showing smooth, sleek hair. As the lamb matures, the curls open and lose their pattern, and eventually the color will evolve as well. This usually occurs within the first year, and the resultant color can be almost anything: silver blue, gray, golden tan, reddish brown, white with flecks of other colors, and occasionally pure white. The most common, however, is a simple brown or bluish gray, with the gray increasing as the animal ages. Many adults (in the US) have a double coat: a fine “down” undercoat covered by a coat of guard hair. Many will have a fleece as glossy as their lamb coat. There is great variability in the fleece types of both coats, ranging from “horse-tail” coarse to silky soft. The adult fleece is a light-weight, high-volume, strong fiber fleece that (at its best) is long and lustrous, usually with no crimp. Classified as long-stapled (average is 6-12 inches per year), the fleece lacks a high grease content. It is easily spun with little preparation, and produces a superior carpet yarn that is often used for rugs, saddle blankets, and outer garments. It also has excellent felting ability. Karakuls, while desert sheep, are adaptable to various climates. The harsh conditions under which they evolved has given them strong and lasting teeth, a key to their longevity. They are resistant to internal parasites as well. Their hooves are sound, being susceptible to foot rot only if restricted to wet marshy ground. While they respond to good feed and care, they are excellent foragers and can graze marginal land or survive a season of scant food which might kill ordinary sheep. They withstand extremes of either hot or cold, but they do seem to appreciate the choice of dry cover. Karakuls also breed out of season, making it possible for three lamb crops every two years. Single lambs are the rule, although twins are not uncommon. The ewes are very protective and attentive mothers. This, combined with easy lambing due to the long, narrow heads and slender shoulders of the lambs, results in a higher-than-average lamb survival rate. Karakuls possess a strong flocking instinct, and can be run on open range as well as in fenced pastures. When faced with danger, they will join together in a circle with the lambs in the middle. They do not herd well, however; herding dogs find them a great frustration. Shop For:	i don't know
Myelitis is the inflammation of which part of the human body?	Transverse Myelitis Fact Sheet \| National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke Where can I get more information? What is transverse myelitis? Transverse myelitis is a neurological disorder caused by inflammation across both sides of one level, or segment, of the spinal cord. The term myelitis refers to inflammation of the spinal cord; transverse simply describes the position of the inflammation, that is, across the width of the spinal cord. Attacks of inflammation can damage or destroy myelin, the fatty insulating substance that covers nerve cell fibers. This damage causes nervous system scars that interrupt communications between the nerves in the spinal cord and the rest of the body. Symptoms of transverse myelitis include a loss of spinal cord function over several hours to several weeks. What usually begins as a sudden onset of lower back pain, muscle weakness, or abnormal sensations in the toes and feet can rapidly progress to more severe symptoms, including paralysis, urinary retention, and loss of bowel control. Although some patients recover from transverse myelitis with minor or no residual problems, others suffer permanent impairments that affect their ability to perform ordinary tasks of daily living. Most patients will have only one episode of transverse myelitis; a small percentage may have a recurrence. The segment of the spinal cord at which the damage occurs determines which parts of the body are affected. Nerves in the cervical (neck) region control signals to the neck, arms, hands, and muscles of breathing (the diaphragm). Nerves in the thoracic (upper back) region relay signals to the torso and some parts of the arms. Nerves at the lumbar (mid-back) level control signals to the hips and legs. Finally, sacral nerves, located within the lowest segment of the spinal cord, relay signals to the groin, toes, and some parts of the legs. Damage at one segment will affect function at that segment and segments below it. In patients with transverse myelitis, demyelination usually occurs at the thoracic level, causing problems with leg movement and bowel and bladder control, which require signals from the lower segments of the spinal cord. Who gets transverse myelitis? Transverse myelitis occurs in adults and children, in both genders, and in all races. No familial predisposition is apparent. A peak in incidence rates (the number of new cases per year) appears to occur between 10 and 19 years and 30 and 39 years. Although only a few studies have examined incidence rates, it is estimated that about 1,400 new cases of transverse myelitis are diagnosed each year in the United States, and approximately 33,000 Americans have some type of disability resulting from the disorder. What causes transverse myelitis? Researchers are uncertain of the exact causes of transverse myelitis. The inflammation that causes such extensive damage to nerve fibers of the spinal cord may result from viral infections or abnormal immune reactions. Transverse myelitis also may occur as a complication of syphilis, measles, Lyme disease, and some vaccinations, including those for chickenpox and rabies. Cases in which a cause cannot be identified are called idiopathic. Transverse myelitis often develops following viral infections. Infectious agents suspected of causing transverse myelitis include varicella zoster (the virus that causes chickenpox and shingles), herpes simplex, cytomegalovirus, Epstein-Barr, influenza, echovirus, human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), hepatitis A, and rubella. Bacterial skin infections, middle-ear infections (otitis media), and Mycoplasma pneumoniae (bacterial pneumonia) have also been associated with the condition. In post-infectious cases of transverse myelitis, immune system mechanisms, rather than active viral or bacterial infections, appear to play an important role in causing damage to spinal nerves. Although researchers have not yet identified the precise mechanisms of spinal cord injury in these cases, stimulation of the immune system in response to infection indicates that an autoimmune reaction may be responsible. In autoimmune diseases, the immune system, which normally protects the body from foreign organisms, mistakenly attacks the body’s own tissue, causing inflammation and, in some cases, damage to myelin within the spinal cord. Because some affected individuals also have autoimmune diseases such as systemic lupus erythematosus, Sjogren’s syndrome, and sarcoidosis, some scientists suggest that transverse myelitis may also be an autoimmune disorder. In addition, some cancers may trigger an abnormal immune response that may lead to transverse myelitis. In some people, transverse myeltis represents the first symptom of an underlying demyelinating disease of the central nervous system such as multiple sclerosis (MS) or neuromyelitis optica (NMO). A form of transverse myelitis known as "partial" myelitis--because it affects only a portion of the cross-sectional area of the spinal cord--is more characteristic of MS. Neuromyelitis optica typically causes both transverse myelitis and optic neuritis (inflammation of the optic nerve that results in visual loss), but not necessarily at the same time. All patients with transverse myelitis should be evaluated for MS or NMO because patients with these diagnoses may require different treatments, especially therapies to prevent future attacks. What are the symptoms of transverse myelitis? Transverse myelitis may be either acute (developing over hours to several days) or subacute (usually developing over 1 to 4 weeks). Initial symptoms usually include localized lower back pain, sudden paresthesias (abnormal sensations such as burning, tickling, pricking, or tingling) in the legs, sensory loss, and paraparesis (partial paralysis of the legs). Paraparesis may progress to paraplegia (paralysis of the legs and lower part of the trunk). Urinary bladder and bowel dysfunction is common. Many patients also report experiencing muscle spasms, a general feeling of discomfort, headache, fever, and loss of appetite. Depending on which segment of the spinal cord is involved, some patients may experience respiratory problems as well. From this wide array of symptoms, four classic features of transverse myelitis emerge: (1) weakness of the legs and arms, (2) pain, (3) sensory alteration, and (4) bowel and bladder dysfunction. Most patients will experience weakness of varying degrees in their legs; some also experience it in their arms. Initially, people with transverse myelitis may notice that they are stumbling or dragging one foot or that their legs seem heavier than normal. Coordination of hand and arm movements, as well as arm and hand strength may also be compromised. Progression of the disease leads to full paralysis of the legs, requiring the patient to use a wheelchair. Pain is the primary presenting symptom of transverse myelitis in approximately one-third to one-half of all patients. The pain may be localized in the lower back or may consist of sharp, shooting sensations that radiate down the legs or arms or around the torso. Patients who experience sensory disturbances often use terms such as numbness, tingling, coldness, or burning to describe their symptoms. Up to 80 percent of those with transverse myelitis report areas of heightened sensitivity to touch, such that clothing or a light touch with a finger causes significant discomfort or pain (a condition called allodynia). Many also experience heightened sensitivity to changes in temperature or to extreme heat or cold. Bladder and bowel problems may involve increased frequency of the urge to urinate or have bowel movements, incontinence, difficulty voiding, the sensation of incomplete evacuation, and constipation. Over the course of the disease, the majority of people with transverse myelitis will experience one or several of these symptoms. How is transverse myelitis diagnosed? Physicians diagnose transverse myelitis by taking a medical history and performing a thorough neurological examination. Because it is often difficult to distinguish between a patient with an idiopathic form of transverse myelitis and one who has an underlying condition, physicians must first eliminate potentially treatable causes of the condition. when a spinal cord problem is suspected, physicians seek first to rule out structural lesions (damaged or abnormally functioning areas) that could cause spinal cord compression or otherwise affects its function. Such potential lesions include tumors, herniated or slipped discs, stenosis (narrowing of the canal that holds the spinal cord), abscesses, and abnormal collections of blood vessels. To rule out such lesions and check for inflammation of the spinal cord, patients often undergomagnetic resonance imaging (MRI), a procedure that provides a picture of the brain and spinal cord. The spinal cord MRI will almost always confirm the presence of a lesion within the spinal cord, whereas the brain MRI may provide clues to other underlying causes, especially MS. If an MRI is not possible (for example, if the patient has a pacemaker), physicians may consider other diagnostic tests such as computed tomography (CT) of the spine with or without myelography, which involves injecting a dye into the sac that surrounds the spinal cord. The patient is then tilted up and down to let the dye flow around and outline the spinal cord while X-rays are taken. Blood tests may be performed to rule out various disorders such as systemic lupus erythematosus, HIV infection, vitamin B12 deficiency, and many others A blood test for NMO, called NMO-IgG, is also necessary. In some patients with transverse myelitis, the cerebrospinal fluid that bathes the spinal cord and brain contains more protein than usual and an increased number of leukocytes (white blood cells). A spinal tap may be performed to obtain fluid to study these factors, exclude infections, and to look for markers of diseases such as MS. If none of these tests suggests a specific cause, the patient is presumed to have idiopathic transverse myelitis. How is transverse myelitis treated? As with many disorders of the spinal cord, no effective cure currently exists for people with transverse myelitis. Treatments are designed to reduce spinal cord inflammation and manage and alleviate symptoms.. Physicians often prescribe anti-inflammatory corticosteroid therapy soon after the diagnosis is made in order to decrease inflammation and hopefully improve the chances and speed of neurological recovery. Although no clinical trials have investigated whether corticosteroids alter the course of transverse myelitis, these drugs often are prescribed to reduce immune system activity because of the suspected autoimmune mechanisms involved in the disorder. Corticosteroid medications that might be prescribed may include intravenous methylprednisone or dexamethasone (usually for about 5 days; in some cases, oral prednisone is used for a period of time afterwards). In severe cases that do not appear to respond to corticosteroid treatment, other therapies such as plasma exchange or drug therapies may be used to try to salvage neurological function. General painkillers may be prescribed for any pain the patient may have. And bed rest is often recommended during the initial days and weeks after onset of the disorder. Following initial therapy, the most critical part of the treatment for this disorder consists of keeping the patient’s body functioning while hoping for either complete or partial spontaneous recovery of the nervous system. This may require placing the patient on a respirator in the uncommon scenario where breathing is significantly affected. Patients are most often treated in a hospital or in a rehabilitation facility where a specialized medical team can prevent or treat problems that afflict paralyzed patients. Often, even before recovery begins, caregivers may be instructed to move patients’ limbs manually to help keep the muscles flexible and strong, and to reduce the likelihood of pressure sores developing in immobilized areas. Later, if patients begin to recover limb control, physical therapy begins to help improve muscle strength, coordination, and range of motion. What therapies are available to help patients left with permanent physical disabilities? Many forms of long-term rehabilitative therapy are available for people who have permanent disabilities resulting from transverse myelitis. Medical social workers, often affiliated with local hospitals or outpatient clinics, are the best sources for information about treatment programs and other resources that exist in a community. Rehabilitative therapy teaches people strategies for carrying out activities in new ways in order to overcome, circumvent, or compensate for permanent disabilities. Rehabilitation as yet cannot reverse the physical damage resulting from transverse myelitis or other forms of spinal cord injury. But it can help people, even those with severe paralysis, become as functionally independent as possible and thereby attain the best possible quality of life. Commonly experienced permanent neurological deficits resulting from transverse myelitis include severe weakness,spasticity (painful muscle stiffness or contractions), or paralysis; incontinence; and chronic pain. Such deficits can substantially interfere with a person’s ability to carry out everyday activities such as bathing, dressing, and performing household tasks. People living with permanent disability may feel a range of emotions, from fear and sadness to frustration and anger. Such feelings are natural responses, but they can sometimes jeopardize health and potential for functional recovery. Those with permanent disabilities frequently experience clinical depression. Fortunately, depression is treatable, due to the development of a wide range of medications that can be used with psychotherapeutic treatment. Today, most rehabilitation programs attempt to address the emotional dimensions along with the physical problems resulting from permanent disability. Patients typically consult with a range of rehabilitation specialists, who may include physiatrists (physicians specializing in physical medicine and rehabilitation), physical therapists, occupational therapists, vocational therapists, and mental health care professionals. Physical Therapy: Physiatrists and physical therapists treat disabilities that result from motor and sensory impairments. Their aim is to help patients increase their strength and endurance, improve coordination, reduce spasticity and muscle wasting in paralyzed limbs, and regain greater control over bladder and bowel function through various exercises. Physiatrists and physical therapists teach paralyzed patients techniques for using assistive devices such as wheelchairs, canes, or braces as effectively as possible. Paralyzed patients also learn ways to avoid developing painful pressure sores on immobilized parts of the body, which may lead to increased pain or systemic infection. In addition, physiatrists and physical therapists are involved in pain management. A wide variety of drugs now exist that can alleviate the pain that results from spinal cord injuries such as those caused by transverse myelitis. These include nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs such as ibuprofen or naproxen; antidepressant drugs such as amitryptyline (tricyclic) and sertraline (a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor); muscle relaxants such as baclofen or tizanidine, and anticonvulsant drugs such as gabapentin, pregabalin, and carbamazepine. Occupational Therapy: Occupational therapists help individuals learn new ways to maintain or rebuild their independence by participating in meaningful, self-directed, goal-oriented, everyday tasks (occupations) such as bathing and dressing. They teach people how to function at the lightest level possible, by developing compensatory strategies, suggesting changes in their homes to improve safety (such as installing grab bars in bathrooms), changing obstacles in their environment that interfere with normal activity, and instructing on how to use assistive devices. Vocational Therapy: In addition to acquainting people with their rights as defined under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 and helping people develop and promote work skills, vocational therapists identify potential employers, assist in job searches, and act as mediators between employees and employers to secure reasonable workplace accommodations. What is the prognosis? Recovery from transverse myelitis usually begins within 2 to 12 weeks of the onset of symptoms and may continue for up to 2 years (and in some cases longer). However, if there is no improvement within the first 3 to 6 months, complete recovery is unlikely (although incomplete recovery can still occur, which underlines the significant need for aggressive physical therapy and rehabilitation). Historic data, not controlling for more aggressive therapy, shows about one-third of people affected with transverse myelitis experience good or full recovery from their symptoms; they regain the ability to walk normally and experience minimal urinary or bowel effects and paresthesias. Another one-third experience only fair recovery and are left with significant deficits such as spastic gait, sensory dysfunction, and prominent urinary urgency or incontinence. The remaining one-third experience no recovery at all, remaining wheelchair-bound or bedridden with marked dependence on others for basic functions of daily living. Unfortunately, making predictions about individual cases is difficult. Aggressive acute treatment and physical therapy have been shown to improve outcomes. However, research has shown that a rapid onset of symptoms generally results in poorer recovery outcomes. The majority of people with this disorder experience only one episode although in rare cases recurrent or relapsing transverse myelitis does occur. Some patients recover completely, then experience a relapse. Others begin to recover, then suffer worsening of symptoms before recovery continues. In all cases of transverse myelitis, physicians will evaluate possible underlying causes such as MS. NMO, or systemic lupus erythematosus since most people with these underlying conditions can experience a relapse and should be treated with preventative therapies. The purpose of such therapies is to reduce the chance of future relapses. What research is being done? Within the Federal Government, the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS), one of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), has primary responsibility for conducting and supporting research on spinal cord disorders and demyelinating diseases such as transverse myelitis. The NINDS conducts research in its laboratories at the NIH and also supports studies through grants to major medical institutions across the country. NINDS researchers seek to clarify the role of the immune system in the pathogenesis of demyelination in autoimmune diseases or disorders. Other work focuses on strategies to repair demyelinated spinal cords including approaches using cell transplantation. The knowledge gained from such research should lead to a greater knowledge of the mechanisms responsible for demyelination in transverse myelitis and may ultimately provide a means to prevent and treat this disorder. The NINDS also funds researchers who are using animal models of spinal cord injury to study strategies for replacement or regeneration of spinal cord nerve cells. The ultimate goals of these studies are to encourage the same regeneration in humans and to restore function to paralyzed patients. Scientists are also developing neural prostheses to help patients with spinal cord damage compensate for lost function. These sophisticated electrical and mechanical devices connect with the nervous system to supplement or replace lost motor and sensory function. Neural prostheses for spinal cord injured patients are being tested in humans. Where can I get more information? For more information on neurological disorders or research programs funded by the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, contact the Institute's Brain Resources and Information Network (BRAIN) at: BRAIN Office of Communications and Public Liaison National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke National Institutes of Health Bethesda, MD 20892 NINDS health-related material is provided for information purposes only and does not necessarily represent endorsement by or an official position of the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke or any other Federal agency. Advice on the treatment or care of an individual patient should be obtained through consultation with a physician who has examined that patient or is familiar with that patient's medical history. All NINDS-prepared information is in the public domain and may be freely copied. Credit to the NINDS or the NIH is appreciated.	Spinal cord
In the 1994 film ‘Speed’ starring Keanu Reeves, what speed must the bus not fall below?	What is transverse myelitis (TM)? - Brain & Nervous System Disorders - Sharecare Brain & Nervous System Disorders A Honor Society of Nursing (STTI) answered Transverse myelitis (TM) is a neurological disorder caused by inflammation across both sides of one level, or segment, of the spinal cord. The term myelitis refers to inflammation of the spinal cord; transverse simply describes the position of the inflammation, that is, across the width of the spinal cord. Attacks of inflammation can damage or destroy myelin, the fatty insulating substance that covers nerve cell fibers. This damage causes nervous system scars that interrupt communications between the nerves in the spinal cord and the rest of the body. Symptoms of TM include a loss of spinal cord function over several hours to several weeks. What usually begins as a sudden onset of lower back pain, muscle weakness, or abnormal sensations in the toes and feet can rapidly progress to more severe symptoms, including paralysis, urinary retention, and loss of bowel control. Although some patients recover from TM with minor or no residual problems, others suffer permanent impairments that affect their ability to perform ordinary tasks of daily living. Most patients will have only one episode of TM; a small percentage may have a recurrence. The segment of the spinal cord at which the damage occurs determines which parts of the body are affected. Nerves in the cervical (neck) region control signals to the neck, arms, hands, and muscles of breathing (the diaphragm). Nerves in the thoracic (upper back) region relay signals to the torso and some parts of the arms. Nerves at the lumbar (mid-back) level control signals to the hips and legs. Finally, sacral nerves, located within the lowest segment of the spinal cord, relay signals to the groin, toes, and some parts of the legs. Damage at one segment will affect functions at that segment and the segments below it. In patients with TM, demyelination usually occurs at the thoracic level, causing problems with leg movement and bowel and bladder control, which require signals from the lower segments of the spinal cord. This answer is based on source information from National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.	i don't know
Which British singer released a 1972 album entitled ‘Blondes Have More Fun’?	The Rod Stewart Picture Pages I Don't Want to Talk About It Background: “Elvis was the king. No doubt about it. People like myself, Mick Jagger and all the others only followed in his footsteps.” Rod Stewart British singer and songwriter Rod Stewart began his music career with the groups Jimmy Powell and the Five Dimensions, The Hoochie Coochie Men, Shotgun Express, The Jeff Beck Group and Faces before raising to fame as a soloist thanks to the 1971 platinum album “Every Picture Tells a Story,” which was a No. 1 album in the United Kingdom and United States. He continued to produce hit albums throughout the 1970s with “Never A Dull Moment” (1972), “Smiler” (1974), “Atlantic Crossing” (1975), “A Night On The Town” (1976) and “Blondes Have More Fun” (1978), which became his last U.S. chart topping release in 26 years. Stewart enjoyed varied success during 1980s and 1990s and experienced a rebirth in the 2000s by singing pop standards from the “Great American Songbook.” He won his first Grammy Award for “Stardust: The Great American Songbook 3” (2004), his third album of Pop standards. The album also marked his first U.S. No. 1 hit release after “Blondes Have More Fun.” He had another chart topper with “Still The Same... Great Rock Classics Of Our Time” (2006). During his long tenure in the industry, Stewart has produced a number of hit singles, including “Maggie May,” ”Reason to Believe” (1971), “You Wear It Well” (1972), “Sailing” (1975), “Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright)” (1976), “I Don't Want to Talk About It,” “The First Cut Is the Deepest” (1977), “Do Ya Think I'm Sexy” (1978) and “Baby Jane” (1983). In the music industry since 1964, Steward was inducted into the Hollywood Walk of Fame on October 11, 2005, for his contribution to music. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994 and the U.K. Music Hall of Fame in 2006. He was also awarded CBE in 2007. Rod the Mod Childhood and Family: Roderick David Stewart, professionally known as Rod Stewart, was born on January 10, 1945, in Highgate, London, England, to a Scottish father, Robert Joseph Stewart, and an English mother, Elsie Stewart. His father was a master builder and after he retired ran a news agent shop. The Stewart family lived over the shop. The youngest of five siblings, Rod has two brothers (Bob and Don) and two sisters (Mary and Peggy). All of his siblings were born while the family lived in Scotland years before they moved to Highgate. Rod was educated at Highgate Primary School and the William Grimshaw Secondary Modern School in Hornsey. Growing up in a family of soccer lovers, he became an avid fan of Arsenal F.C. and excelled in the sport. He served as the captain of the soccer team at his school and also played for Middlesex Schoolboys. It was his family who introduced him to music when they became a fan of singer Al Jolson. Rod developed a love for rock and roll after he listened to Little Richard's hit “The Girl Can't Help It” (1956) and attended a concert of Bill Haley & His Comets. He got his first guitar at age 14 and joined his first group a year later. Rod quit school at age 15 and worked as a silk screen printer. At the urging of his father, he pursued professional soccer and became an apprentice with the Brentford F.C., in 1961. He soon grew bored, decided to leave the team and turned his attention toward music. On April 6, 1979, Rod married actress and former model Alana Hamilton Stewart (born Alana Kaye Collins on May 18, 1945), the ex-wife of actor George Hamilton. They welcomed a daughter named Kimberly Stewart on August 21, 1979, and a son, Sean Stewart, on September 1, 1980, before divorcing in 1980. He then married actress/model Rachel Hunter (born on September 9, 1969) on December 15, 1990. The couple has two children, Renée Stewart (born on June 1, 1992) and Liam McAlister Stewart (born on September 4, 1994). Rod and his second wife became estranged in 1999 and divorced on November 2, 2006. He married model Penny Lancaster (born on March 15, 1971) on June 16, 2007. They have one son together, Alastair Wallace Stewart (born on November 27, 2005 in London). Rod also has two more daughters, Sarah Thubron Streeter (born in 1964, raised by adoptive parents) and Ruby Stewart (born in 1987) from previous relationships. Rod is known by the nicknames Rod the Mod and Phyllis. Stardust Career: After having a series of odd jobs, Rod Stewart auditioned with legendary record producer Joe Meek in 1961, but the audition was unsuccessful. The next year, he played the harmonica for folk singer Wizz Jones who brought their act to Brighton, Paris and Barcelona. His journey ended in 1963 when Stewart was deported from Spain. During 1962, he also briefly joined The Ray Davies Quartet (later known as The Kinks) as their lead singer before fronting his own group, Rod Stewart & The Moontrekkers. The group, however, only had a short life. Back to London, Stewart made his professional debut in October 1963 when he was recruited as a harmonica player and temporary vocalist for the Birmingham based rhythm and blues group The Dimensions. After the group changed their name to Jimmy Powell and the Five Dimensions, with Jimmy Powell taking over lead vocals, Stewart was demoted to harmonica player. Tensions between the two later led to Stewart's departure from the group. He next joined the Hoochie Coochie Men and made his recording debut (without label credit) on “Up Above My Head” in 1964. Later that same year, he signed to Decca Records as a soloist and recorded his first solo single in September 1964. His single, “Good Morning Little Schoolgirl,” was released in October 1964. After leaving The Hoochie Coochie Men, Stewart performed as a soloist during the late 1964 and early 1965, during which time he was occasionally supported by the band The Soul Agents. He scored a deal with EMI's Columbia label and released the single “The Day Will Come” and his remake of Sam Cooke's “Shake” in November 1965 and April 1966, respectively. In May 1966, Stewart joined Shotgun Express as a co-vocalist with Beryl Marsden. The group released one unsuccessful single in October before splitting up. He then joined the rock band The Jeff Beck Group, which was formed by former Yardbirds guitarist Jeff Beck in 1967, as their vocalist. He recorded two studio albums with the group (“Truth,” 1968) and “Beck-Ola,” 1969) before his exit in 1969. He was then reunited with former The Jeff Beck Group guitarist Ronnie Wood in the rock group Faces in 1969, which was founded by members of the Small Faces after the departure of their vocalist Steve Marriott. He would record four albums and tour extensively with the group until 1975, when they disbanded. Simultaneously, Stewart's solo career began to take off. His first solo album, “An Old Raincoat Won't Ever Let You Down,” was released in November 1969 in the U.S. by Mercury Records and February 1970 in the U.K. by Vertigo Records. Known in the U.S. as “The Rod Stewart Album,” the album peaked at No. 139 on the Billboard 200 and went gold in Canada. Following the release of Faces' first album, “First Step” (March 1970), Stewart launched his sophomore effort, “Gasoline Alley,” on June 1970. The album rose to No. 27 on the Billboard 200 and also charted in the U.K. at No. 62. It became his first platinum release in Canada. The album spawned one single with a remake of The Valentinos 1964 song “It's All Over Now,” which charted at No. 126. Stewart returned to Faces for their second album, “Long Player,” which was released in March 1971. Later that same year, he scored his first No.1 hit album with “Every Picture Tells a Story,” which he produced. Released in the U.S. in May 1971, the album, a mix of rock, country, blues, soul, and folk, became a chart topper in the U.S., the U.K. and Australia. The single “Maggie May,” which was co-written by Stewart, rose to No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and stayed in the position for five weeks. It also went to No. 1 on the U.K. Singles chart and No, 11 in Germany. His version of Tim Hardin's “Reason to Believe,” released as a double A-side with “Maggie May,” rose to No.1 in the U.K. and No. 62 in the U.S. The album scored an additional Billboard Hot 100 hit with the cover single “(I Know) I'm Losing You,” which went to No. 24 on the chart. The third album of Faces, “A Nod Is as Good as a Wink... to a Blind Horse,” followed in November 1971. In July 1972, Stewart released the studio album “Never a Dull Moment,” which peaked at No. 1 in the U.K. and No. 2 in the U.S. It contained three U.K. Top 10 singles with “You Wear It Well” (#1, #13 US), “Angel” (#4, #40 US) and “What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)” (#4). The album eventually earned gold certification in the U.S. The following year, Stewart and Faces launched their fourth and final album, “Ooh La La,” and in August 1973, he released his first compilation album, “Sing It Again Rod,” which went to No. 1 on the U.K. Albums chart and No.31 in the Billboard 200. The album went gold in the U.S. and platinum in Canada. After the live album “Coast to Coast: Overture and Beginners” (credited to Rod Stewart/Faces, January 10, 1974), Stewart released the album “Smiler” in October 1974. It was a No. 1 hit album in the U.K. and made the Top 20 in the U.S. (#13). The singles “Farewell” and “Mine for Me” were also hits. The follow up album, “Atlantic Crossing,” was released on August 15, 1975, under Warner Bros. Records and produced by Tom Dowd. The album peaked at No. 1 on the U.K. Albums chart and No. 9 on the Billboard 200. It went gold in the U.S. and 4X platinum in Canada. The single “Sailing” stayed at No. 1 on the U.K. Singles chart for four weeks in September 1975, but was a minor hit in the U.S. (#58 Billboard Hot 100) despite the singer's huge popularity in the country. The next single, “This Old Heart of Mine” (1976), rose to No. 4 in the U.K. and No. 83 in the U.S. He had another U.K. No.1 hit single with Crazy Horse's song “I Don't Want to Talk About It” (released as a double A-side with “The First Cut Is the Deepest” in 1977). Stewart released the compilation album “The Best of Rod Stewart” in April 1976. The album went to No. 18 in the U.K. and No. 90 on the Billboard 200 and was eventually certified gold in the U.S. His career gained a significant boost in America later that same year with the release of the album “A Night on the Town,” again produced by Dowd. Another U.K. No. 1 hit album, it went to No.2 on the Billboard 200 and received double multi platinum certification in the U.S. The album spawned the popular singles “Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright)” (#1 US, #5 UK), “The Killing of Georgie (Part I and II)” (#30 US, #5 UK) and “The First Cut Is the Deepest” (#21 US, #1 UK). In November 1977, he launched the eight studio album “Foot Loose & Fancy Free,” which rose to No. 2 in the U.S. and No. 3 in the U.K. Thanks to the successful singles “You're in My Heart (The Final Acclaim)” (#3 UK, #4 US), “Hot Legs” (#5 UK, #28 US) and “I Was Only Joking” (#5 UK, #22 US), the album earned triple multi platinum in the U.S. The ninth album, “Blondes Have More Fun,” followed a year later on November 24, 1978. The album went to No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and gave the singer another triple multi platinum release in the U.S. The single “Da Ya Think I'm Sexy” was a hit in the United States and United Kingdom. Stewart closed out the decade by releasing the album “Greatest Hits, Vol.1” on October 12, 1979, which was a No.1 hit in the U.K. and a Top 30 hit in the U.S. (#22). It was certified triple multi platinum in the U.S. During the 1980s, Stewart recorded six studio albums, one live album, 1982's “Absolutely Live,” and one compilation album, 1989's “Storyteller - The Complete Anthology: 1964-1990.” The tenth album, “Foolish Behaviour,” was released on November 21, 1980, and peaked at No. 4 in the U.K. and No. 12 on the U.S. charts. It was certified platinum in the U.K. and U.S. and produced the popular single “Passion.” “Tonight I'm Yours” followed on November 6, 1981. It charted at No. 11 on the Billboard 200 and No. 8 in the U.K. and spawned three charted singles with the title track “Tonight I'm Yours (Don't Hurt Me),” “Young Turks” and the cover song “Young.” The album also contained the U.S. rock hits “Jealous” (#44) and “Tora, Tora, Tora (Out with the Boys)” (#38). After “Body Wishes” (June 10, 1983), which produced the U.K. No. 1 hit singles “Baby Jane” “Camouflage” (1984) and “Every Beat Of My Heart” (1986), the singer launched the studio album “Out Of Order” on May 23, 1988. The album made the top 20 in the U.K. and U.S. and was certified double multi platinum in the U.S. It featured the hit singles “Lost In You” (#12 US), “Forever Young” (#12 US), “My Heart Can't Tell You No” (#4 US) and “Crazy About Her” (#11 US). On March 25, 1991, Stewart released the album “Vagabond Heart,” which rose to No. 2 on the U.K. Albums chart and No. 10 in the U.S. It yielded five singles with “It Takes Two” (1990, #5 UK), “Rhythm of My Heart” (#5 US), “The Motown Song” (#10 US), a cover for Robbie Robertson's song “Broken Arrow” (#20 US) and “Rebel Heart” (#17 US Rock chart). The album went platinum in the U.S. Stewart, however, did not resurface with an album of new material until four years later with “A Spanner In The Works,” which was released on May 29, 1995. It went to No.4 in the U.K. and No. 35 on the U.S. Albums chart and was certified gold in the U.S. The album produced five singles, including “Leave Virginia Alone” (#52 US), “You're the Star” (#19 UK), “Lady Luck” (#56 UK) and “Purple Heather” (#16 UK). The album “When We Were the New Boys” followed on June 1, 1998. In the U.K., the album rose to No. 2 and went gold, but only peaked at No. 44 in the U.S. It featured three singles with the title track “When We Were the New Boys” (#75 Germany), “Rocks” (#55 UK) and “Ooh La La” (#16 UK and #39 US). 1990s also saw Stewart release the live album “Unplugged...and Seated” (1993), which rose to No. 2 in the U.S. and U.K. and earned triple multi platinum certification in the U.S. He also released the compilation albums “Downtown Train - Selections from the Storyteller Anthology” (1990, #20 US) and the platinum album “If We Fall In Love Tonight” (1996, #19 US). The album “Human” was launched on March 21, 2001, and marked his first and only release with Atlantic Records. Produced by Bob Dickins, the album peaked at No. 50 on the Billboard 200 and No. 9 in the U.K. It produced the singles “Run Back Into Your Arms,” “I Can't Deny It” and “Don't Come Around Here.” “I Can't Deny It” rose to No. 26 on the U.K. Singles chart and No. 18 on the Billboard Adult Contemporary chart. The follow up album, “It Had To Be You: The Great American Songbook,” Stewart's first album of pop standards, was released on October 22, 2002, under J Records. It went to No. 4 on the Billboard 200 and No. 8 on the U.K. Albums chart and triple multi platinum in the U.S. The album produced two US Adult Contemporary hits with the songs “These Foolish Things” (#13) and “They Can't Take That Away from Me” (#27). On October 14, 2003, he launched his next album of Pop standards, “As Time Goes By: The Great American Songbook 2,” which peaked at No. 2 and was certified double multi platinum in the U.S. It generated two singles with “Time After Time” and “Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered” (with Cher). Stewart launched “Stardust: The Great American Songbook 3” on October 19, 2004. The album rocketed to No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and No. 3 in the U.K., where it received platinum certification. The album won Stewart a Grammy in 2005 for Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album. It featured the popular duet songs “What a Wonderful World” (with Stevie Wonder), “Blue Moon” (with Eric Clapton) and “Baby, It's Cold Outside” (with Dolly Parton). In October 2005, Stewart released the fourth album of Pop standards, “Thanks for the Memory: The Great American Songbook, Volume IV,” which rose to No. 2 in the U.S. and No. 3 in the U.K. It scored the Adult Contemporary hit singles “I've Got a Crush on You” (with Diana Ross) and “I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm.” “Still The Same... Great Rock Classics Of Our Time” followed in October 2006. Produced by John Shanks and Clive Davis, the album debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and peaked at No. 4 in the U.K. It spawned two hit singles with “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” and “Fooled Around and Fell in Love.” In October 2009, Stewart released the album “Soulbook,” which went to No. 4 in the U.S. and No. 9 in the U.K. In the new millennium, Stewart released “The Story So Far - The Very Best Of Rod Stewart” (2001), “The Complete American Songbook” (2007) and “The Rod Stewart Sessions 1971-1998” (2009). Awards: Grammy: Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album, “Stardust ... The Great American Songbook Volume III,” 2005 World Music: Diamond Award, 2001	Rod Stewart
In which part of the human body would you find the obturator muscles?	Rod Stewart Discography at Discogs Roderick David Stewart Profile: British singer, born January 10, 1945 in London, England. In addition to his successful solo career, he has also been a member of successful high-profile rock groups the Jeff Beck Group and the Faces . Inducted into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in 1994 (Performer). Sites:	i don't know

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