jamesliu23/simpsons · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 7 697
Patty! Selma! We're home.
I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me.
Marge, I need to speak with you alone.
Oh and that sauce, Barney. I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself! No Barney, that's just my sister-in-law.
I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier. Please, Marge! Help me find a man before it's too late.
Well... I'll try.
Homer? Do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowler's Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin?
Remember? Who could forget?
Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor...
...to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
But that was just an idle promise.
Not to me.
I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma.
Find a husband? Which one's Selma again?
She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she didn't like to be... you know, touched.
It's Patty who chose the life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
But Marge...
Homer, you will find her a man.
All right.
And not just any man.
Oh, gee. Tai Kwon Do.
He should be honest... and caring... and well off... and handsome...
Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do?
Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when!
That will do.
What's this stuff for?
It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and as a preservative in fast foods. It's also quite a potent herbicide.
What's a herbicide?
It kills grass.
Excellent.
Must find man. Must find man. Must find man.
Boy, a good man really is hard to find.
Gentlemen, according to my sources you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so and you will be suspended.
Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats!
One seafood burrito, Apu.
I am loathe to interrupt your meditation. But the time has come for money to change hands.
Say what they will about our cafeteria, I-I still think they're the best Tater Tots money can buy.
Wait a minute... that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll!
Sweet Lord it is!
SIMPSON!!!
Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters in the field, that you would be caught.
Maybe it was one of the other Barts, Sir.
There are no other Barts!
The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty board of education out of retirement.
Call your father immediately.
Hello, is Homer there?
Homer who?
Homer Sexual.
Just a minute, let me check. Homer Sexual. Come on, come on. One of you guys must be Homer Sexual!
Why you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
You'll do what, young man?
Wait a minute. Who is this?
I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?
Oh, sorry Principal Skinner. It must be a bad connection. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
What is it this time?
I'm afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willie's award-winning play field. If it's all right with you, Bart will repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labor, re-sodding the field manually, seed by seed.
But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
Only to my job.
But if you weren't married to your job, you'd tend to go for a girl, right?
Well, of course. These pants come off at night just like everyone else's. But tell me, why all the questions?
Oh, no reason, really. I was just wondering if you know, you'd like to come over to my house for dinner. A payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school.
Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. I'd be delighted!
Excellent.
Good evening, Principal Skinner and welcome to our home.
Well thank you, Bart. I only hope that for the next few hours you and I can leave our differences in the schoolyard.
Fine. Now just get inside already.
He's here.
Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and shake your money-maker.
I'm too nervous, you do it.
No, you do it.
No, you do it.
No, you do it.
No, you do it.
Now, Simpson. I-I had a discomforting thought on the way over here. This dinner wouldn't be a master plan of yours to set me up with some unmarried relation? Because I can assure you that...
I... ah... muh... Be still my foolish heart.
Heh heh heh. Here we go. Boy meets beast. Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely and available sister, Selma.
Sel-ma.
Hey, Baldilocks, I'm Patty.
Wha...?
Pat-ty.
So Patty, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.
Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot and they've got horseflies over there the size of your fist.
Marvelous. Just marvelous.
Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her.
Oh, yes. I've heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents Advisory Board has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants Part 5 tomorrow night. Would you be interested in joining me?
Well... I don't really think...
She'd be delighted.
I'm going to cancel.
No, you're not.
We already have plans for tomorrow night.
I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
Patty, your first date in twenty-five years is a little more important than playing hearts with Mother.
I tried to repel him, I really did.
A pack of Lady Laramie Hundreds, please.
God knows it could have easily been me. Easily. Laramie Hi-Tars. Hard pack. And I don't have all day.
Here you go. Smoke them in good health. And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?
No. All right, five.
Stupid - Principal - Skinner. No - sense - of - humor.
Save your strength, lad. There's a whole field for to resod yet.

Patty! Selma! We're home.

I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me.

Marge, I need to speak with you alone.

Oh and that sauce, Barney. I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself! No Barney, that's just my sister-in-law.

I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier. Please, Marge! Help me find a man before it's too late.

Well... I'll try.

Homer? Do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowler's Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin?

Remember? Who could forget?

Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor...

...to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.

But that was just an idle promise.

Not to me.

I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma.

Find a husband? Which one's Selma again?

She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she didn't like to be... you know, touched.

It's Patty who chose the life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

But Marge...

Homer, you will find her a man.

All right.

And not just any man.

Oh, gee. Tai Kwon Do.

He should be honest... and caring... and well off... and handsome...

Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do?

Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when!

That will do.

What's this stuff for?

It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and as a preservative in fast foods. It's also quite a potent herbicide.

What's a herbicide?

It kills grass.

Excellent.

Must find man. Must find man. Must find man.

Boy, a good man really is hard to find.

Gentlemen, according to my sources you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so and you will be suspended.

Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats!

One seafood burrito, Apu.

I am loathe to interrupt your meditation. But the time has come for money to change hands.

Say what they will about our cafeteria, I-I still think they're the best Tater Tots money can buy.

Wait a minute... that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll!

Sweet Lord it is!

SIMPSON!!!

Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters in the field, that you would be caught.

Maybe it was one of the other Barts, Sir.

There are no other Barts!

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty board of education out of retirement.

Call your father immediately.

Hello, is Homer there?

Homer who?

Homer Sexual.

Just a minute, let me check. Homer Sexual. Come on, come on. One of you guys must be Homer Sexual!

Why you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

You'll do what, young man?

Wait a minute. Who is this?

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?

Oh, sorry Principal Skinner. It must be a bad connection. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

What is it this time?

I'm afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willie's award-winning play field. If it's all right with you, Bart will repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labor, re-sodding the field manually, seed by seed.

But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?

Only to my job.

But if you weren't married to your job, you'd tend to go for a girl, right?

Well, of course. These pants come off at night just like everyone else's. But tell me, why all the questions?

Oh, no reason, really. I was just wondering if you know, you'd like to come over to my house for dinner. A payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school.

Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. I'd be delighted!

Excellent.

Good evening, Principal Skinner and welcome to our home.

Well thank you, Bart. I only hope that for the next few hours you and I can leave our differences in the schoolyard.

Fine. Now just get inside already.

He's here.

Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and shake your money-maker.

I'm too nervous, you do it.

No, you do it.

Now, Simpson. I-I had a discomforting thought on the way over here. This dinner wouldn't be a master plan of yours to set me up with some unmarried relation? Because I can assure you that...

I... ah... muh... Be still my foolish heart.

Heh heh heh. Here we go. Boy meets beast. Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely and available sister, Selma.

Sel-ma.

Hey, Baldilocks, I'm Patty.

Wha...?

Pat-ty.

So Patty, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.

Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot and they've got horseflies over there the size of your fist.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her.

Oh, yes. I've heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents Advisory Board has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants Part 5 tomorrow night. Would you be interested in joining me?

Well... I don't really think...

She'd be delighted.

I'm going to cancel.

No, you're not.

We already have plans for tomorrow night.

I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.

Patty, your first date in twenty-five years is a little more important than playing hearts with Mother.

I tried to repel him, I really did.

A pack of Lady Laramie Hundreds, please.

God knows it could have easily been me. Easily. Laramie Hi-Tars. Hard pack. And I don't have all day.

Here you go. Smoke them in good health. And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?

No. All right, five.

Stupid - Principal - Skinner. No - sense - of - humor.

Save your strength, lad. There's a whole field for to resod yet.