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Am I being hypercritical or is my partner not respecting my boundaries?
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sexover30
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zt9ye4
| 7 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.67 | true |
OP, this is a nearly unreadable mass of text. Can we PLEASE have some paragraphs?
You need to edit this and break it up into shorter chunks. Each paragraph should be limited to 1-4 sentences and no more than 8 lines of text. Then put **two** returns at the end of each paragraph. It should look like there is a blank line between paragraphs, but the extra lines will disappear when you save.
If you don't edit it, you will get a lot fewer responses. Most people will decide that it's just not worth it to wade through a big solid block of text. What you're doing is asking us for help, but making it really hard for us to help you.
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I'll go at it from a very broad vantage point: it's your body he is touching, so he should always respect the way you want to be touched. If one specific way is causing you lots of weird sensations he should stop it immediately. I had a somewhat similar story, my ex used to mindlessly stroke my hand/thigh and it was always very irritating to me. Like I knew he wasn't doing it so that I felt something, it was a self soothing thing for him to do that involved my body parts. I used to either gently put my hand over it to remind him I didn't like it or call out "dead hand please", i.e. "hold my hand but don't stroke it". Whatever is your problem with fast touching it is valid, and if you gave him an option to do things differently, then he should stick with it. You may need to work on rebounding from it if he does that accidentally (but honestly it's a good feedback loop for him too, when I do x, she recoils and sexy mood is over), albeit it's not a very sustainable one either. So both of you have some work to do. The other option is kind of a reminder word or a catch phrase. You two are working on it together and everyone will screw up. Accept it not as something he does intentionally, but rather a slip up.
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Can we talk about the UTIs? I’m the lower libido half in my relationship and pain from a UTI tied to sex would make me pretty averse to jumping into anything. Esp w a partner that I suspected was mostly self-focused (the raging hormones 20s sex makes me think that).
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I can’t handle soft touch. Like it makes my skin crawl and triggers me. So I had to explain that to my husband and he respected that boundary. When he forgets, which happens sometimes, but rarely, I remind him right away “that feels too soft.” And with that feedback he changes the type of touch so it’s more firm.
If your partner knows this and still isn’t respecting your boundary on how they touch YOUR body. That’s a big red flag.
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Its pretty basic concept. Ask or listen to what your partner likes and doesnt like. Give clear instructions. And he should be listening and following as best as possible. Good sex cums from good communication. Part of good communication is the ability to listen and interpret, then do what your partner is asking.
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How do you create more balance with sex?
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sexover30
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zsp10v
| 75 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.87 | true |
I think you should be cautious on this path you’re taking.
If she has a low libido, and she’s having sex with you to appease and keep you happy, but not for herself, then your words will feel like a gut punch to her. What she will hear is that sex she’s sacrificing herself to have is not enough, and that you just want more. Having unwanted sex creates aversion that will grow.
Let me be clear, you can’t make her, and she can’t make herself, desire to have more sex with you through a conversation. So be careful in your discussions.
Instead, work on finding out what triggers her arousal, and what causes her to apply the breaks. What behaviors might you have that might be a turn off? (Begging, pleading, sulking, being a jerk, etc)
I myself find sex as stress relief when I’m stressed. My wife needs to be stress free to find a quiet place within herself to be present in sex.
Go on, have open conversations with your partner, find out what’s going on their mind and life. What stresses them out? Just don’t have conversations with demands or expectations, those will never work out long term, even if gets you sex now.
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Not everyone is wired in a way that makes it easy to be creative and thoughtful with respect to bedroom adventures. For some, being asked to plan new things to do is intimidating, stressful or just impossible. It can be like asking someone who isn't into dirty talk to engage in dirty talk - They might make the effort, but it's not easy, it's not going to be frequent, and its not going to be very good.
Sometimes it's a matter of establishing roles and participation expectations - one person planning the sex stuff with the other person enthusiastically putting on the costumes and memorizing the scripts :) - while the reverse might be true for other areas of life like one person planning the couples social calendar, while the other person just has to dress up and show up.
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My husband has never expressed that he wants more of XYZ unless it's something we already do and he knows I like it as much as him. It never feels overwhelming or pressuring or what have you when he does this.
We also have a very playful dynamic and that can actually help lighten our conversations around sex and what I want. For example, one time my husband was joking around with me about our sex life being so robust and he mentioned something in particular he learned that people do in the BDSM community sometimes. It sparked my curiosity, but instead of coming right out and saying "I want to do this and see if we like it," I just told him "I dare you to buy that and see what happens \*wink\*." He did and it ended up being a great time for us both. It's now part of our rotating sexual adventures.
I think being more playful and making it flirtatious has helped me *a lot* in asking for what I want and being open to doing new things with my husband. I don't feel like I'm having to be so direct 24/7 but it's fun and it can be sexy to be so flirty about it. I feel like it doesn't come across as demanding or placing a lot of expectations/pressure around my desires. It also helps me feel out where he's at.
It doesn't make sex feel heavy or too serious when I can approach it like this, which keeps a lot of the intrigue, fun, and spark alive for me personally. And I think my husband likes this too.
For reference, we've been together nearly 14 years and married for going on 4 - and our sex life has grown tremendously because I found ways to ask for what I want that don't make me feel awkward or demanding or like I'm putting a lot of pressure on my husband, which makes me less inhibited to self advocate.
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You can’t really make her care about something she doesn’t care about. I learned this the hard way.
You have different desires when it comes to sex. You can either keep asking for what you want, or stop asking. You can stay, or leave. But you can’t make her think sexual exploration is worth her time. You can’t make her think it’s fun to pamper you sexually. She either already does, or she doesn’t.
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This is the mental load issue, but about sex.
Tell her that you'd like her to plan an evening that you are along on the ride for.
And make sure your life together allows her to have the mental energy to do so.
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Best way to truly show appreciation for a partner fulfilling a sexual fantasy of yours?
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sexover30
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zoufz3
| 11 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.87 | true |
You can't leave us hanging, so what did she do?
I suppose the "fairest" would be to fulfill a fantasy of hers. Or maybe just a massage/ spa appointment
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Reciprocate by fulfilling a sexual fantasy of hers. If she doesn't really have any or isn't comfortable sharing, just give her a night of sex that's all about her.
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Tell her! How much it meant to you, how it made you feel. Maybe tell her outside the bedroom so she knows you are sincere.
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You won’t find an Emily Post standard on etiquette here. Why don’t you ask your wife what she would like?
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Start with words and then reinforce your words with actions both in and out of the bedroom
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Is society sex shaming women?
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sexover30
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zg01j3
| 54 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.69 | true |
Maybe she just doesn’t care about wearing lingerie or using toys?
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First, keep one thing to keep in mind: most forums are echo chambers. You are going to meet alot of women on this subreddit that like sex alot because, well, it's a subreddit about sex. So, its not necessarily a good baseline for general female experiences, but its also not a bad spot to realize that there MAY be an issue with how women and sex relate to each other socially. Anyway, to the question:
As a woman, I feel like I have been lucky to have had very sex positive experiences with very sex positive people (men and women). Since a teen, I have always been around people who were interested in good sex, communicating, varying sexual stimuli, etc. Also, I have always had a high libedo naturally, could have sex multiple times a day, if possible. So, some women are "built" different, is one point.
However, I was in a relationship one time with someone who made me feel horrible about my sexual past and it killed my libedo. Like, I still had my natural desire, but the drive to have sex was literally dead because this dude thought anything but missionary was terrible. I also hung out with his friends spouse's and they also hated intimacy in any form. One lady referred to interacting with her husband as "night shift", implying how much labor went into being with him. I wasn't with him for more than a few months, but what I learned was my environment highly affected not my desire, but my responsiveness to sex. If you are constantly being fed that sex is only for people in their 20s, honeymooners, etc, than you're not really going to be searching for good sex after those points.
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r/DeadBedrooms is useful if the only thing you want to do is to rant about your situation or to leave. If you're trying to make things work, don't even think about asking for advice there.
The historical issues that women face re: sexuality are very complex. There are some basic biological reasons, like women being the ones to end up pregnant from sex (and reliable birth control is a very recent innovation), so there is evolutionary reason for women to be more cautious in general. Then there is patriarchal culture and certain religions which view sex as something that women do for their husband, and denigrates the woman who has sex for her own gain. And then there is the half-biological/half-cultural fact that "default" sex (i.e. PIV) is generally much less pleasurable for women than for men - when done right, sex can be incredibly amazing for women, but it takes effort, time, learning, and generally a departure from penis-centric sex.
Of course, things are changing. We have reliable birth control, so sex is no longer a necessarily risky proposition for women. Cultural views on female pleasure are changing. Vibrators were invented. Sex-positive communities and blogs are flourishing. Betty Dodson made her whole life's career out of educating women about their pleasure. I believe things have already changed significantly, and will continue to change.
Personally, I initiate sex about 50% of the time and buy most of our sex toys. I'm also usually the one to suggest something new - although I will say for my husband that he's usually happy to try when I do suggest something new... he isn't usually the one to suggest it, but that's because he's not a "sex nerd", for lack of a better word. Sex is something he enjoys, but he doesn't generally post on sex subreddits or read up stuff online or join sex discussions. I also usually get about 10 orgasms to his 1... so that might affect motivation, perhaps? I dunno.
However, I am in my 30s. In my parents' generation, I believe patriarchal attitudes towards sex are alive and well.
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I don't associate with sex negative people for long, if at all, so my view is skewed. I grew up with that message of "Sex is a chore" and I thought that was silly, so I worked to challenge that conditioning. My close friends are all in a similar place.
Ask yourself who benefits by the idea that women don't like sex and why. Also look at the unrealistic expectations of how sex "should" go that we're fed. I had some douchcanoe accuse me of being frigid because I didn't orgasm the first (only) time we had sex. Dude had watched far too much porn.
Also ask yourself how pleasure plays a role. If sex isn't fun, or hurts, WHY would anyone want to do it? If someone has been conditioned to feel shame, why would they want to challenge that?
Sex requires intimacy and intimacy requires vulnerability, which in turn requires safety.
Personally, as a woman, I feel much better being female in this day and age as compared to most others I've studied in history. I have far more options and rights to find what brings me pleasure.
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How about her needs, desires and pleasure? From your post it sounds that all sex life is about pleasing you. I personally don't see anything fun if I am not getting nothing in return. That is absolute mood killer. Sadly, many men think that woman is supposed to be a giver in bedroom and that meeting man's needs is the best thing ever.
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Sex in public primer?
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sexover30
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zelh4b
| 8 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.69 | true |
What do you mean by "sex in public"? Because there are several important gradations and a lot of people lump them all together.
1. In a theoretically public place, but with no one around and an extremely small chance of being observed.
2. Like #1, but with a substantially larger chance of discovery.
3. In a place like a sex club or hedonism resort where other people will see you, but you know it's acceptable behavior and no one is going to call the cops on you.
4. In a public place where sex is not permitted and people are going to see you and potentially be offended.
I would strongly recommend against #2 and #4 unless the idea of being on the sex offenders list is something you crave. No one has the right to rope unconsenting strangers into their fantasies. Stick with #1 and #3, and be very careful about #1.
I personally enjoy having sex outdoors, but only in locations that are *very* private. The kind of places where even if some random hiker stumbled on us, they would feel like they were intruding. I don't have any urge toward exhibitionism, but if I did, there are sex clubs for that.
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Yeah this is a tough one bc it’s important to consider any potential bystander’s ability to consent to seeing you have sex.
It may be worth checking out sec clubs or parties in your area. Some will have private rooms you can go into, in addition to areas for more public sex around other people. You could feel out what works for you there.
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Swingers clubs are great places to have sex in public where people want to watch as well. My ex husband and I did that. We didn't swing at all just had sex there.
Just thought of hiking. Go off trail and find a private spot. I've done this too
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We tend to prefer places that have very few passers by but not zero. A secluded part of a park, top of a mountain, etc.
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I have had sex in public places with several partners. These days this is confined to our house, our back yard and sometimes in the car.
My best advice to you for having sex in a public place is to check it out beforehand. Are there any CCTV cameras, children, sensor lighting? These days, you want to avoid a crowd because everyone has a camera in their phone. Plan a quick escape route if you are spotted. For example, a doorway with a locked door is a trap. Avoid dressing rooms and washrooms. Will you have sex in broad daylight or in the dark?
Some of the best places I have had public sex was in a car, in a bus, in a canoe, in a building stairwell, in an office at work, in a dark alley, in a coast closet, under a semi-trailer, in a cemetery, in a wood, on a roof, in a tent, and our favourite; a hotel balcony. This last one is risky, but it depends on where it is located and the time of day. We have had some amazing sex on balconies...
Consider have sex in the same room with another couple. It depends on what you want, but I don't suggest a place where you will likely get caught.
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Skin irritation after sex w a new partner. Any treatment ideas?
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sexover30
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zegg5f
| 2 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.63 | true |
Wash with warm water and sensitive soap after sex. My ex would get itchy after sex due to lube. So he had to wash himself every time we had intercourse.
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water-based lube.
| null | null | null |
Fantasies during sex question?
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sexover30
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zd3kcx
| 22 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.84 | true |
I can only speak for myself but personally I only bring out the fantasies when I’m trying to get off, which doesn’t happen when I’m having PIV sex. During PIV sex when my husband is fucking me, that’s all I’m thinking about and I’m enjoying the ride.
But afterwards (or before, whatever) it takes toys and work for me to get off and fantasies help make it happen. I often think about getting gangbanged or used at a glory hole by several men in a row or something. I don’t think about anyone specific except my husband is usually one of them.
Here’s the important stuff. I don’t want to pursue this fantasy in real life. Even if I got divorced I don’t think I’d be willing to it for a handful of other reasons. Fantasies are pleasurable because they’re safe. There’s a book called My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday which talks about why women have fantasies if they’re in happy relationships, and all kinds of other situations. Not everyone fantasizes but for those of us who do, it’s not usually due to a shortcoming of our partner. I believe you can download a free version of the book from Internet Archive.
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Hm. I fantasize pretty much every time I have partnered sex w my SO. Fantasies do a lot for my arousal. Every once in a while I take the time to have orgasms from only fantasizing. They are amazing.
For me, the best way I can describe it is that it’s like an added sensation almost.
If you are a person who likes to be kissed while having penetrative sex, you may kind of crave kissing while having partnered sex. And when your partner brings their lips on yours there’s a “ahhhhh, yes” kind of feeling. Similar w the fantasy part for me.
Or if you’ve ever had someone who is really good at doing many amazing things to your body all at once- the guy who can suck your clit while flicking it with his tongue and rocking his whole face against you gently and using one hand to stroke inside your pussy while using the other to finger your ass. Any two would feel great but it’s like a wonderful avalanche of sensation and yes-yes-yes! for the other things to be added on top. Similar w fantasy for me. Makes everything… more.
It’s not about wanting some other person in bed instead of my SO. At least that’s not what it means for me.
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I don't have any specific person I fantasize about during sex with my husband - I actually have a large "spank bank" I pull from during, most commonly of my husband and I, especially if I'm really aroused and it adds to the moment.
If I ever do think about someone else during sex with my husband, it's never one particular person or someone I know or a person I think is even really sexually attractive and would like to imagine. It's usually me pulling from a particularly good porn moment I watched and enjoyed. Recalling the man's pleasure and fun. It's never about the person or wanting to imagine *them,* if that makes sense.
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Hey! I think I’m similar to OP. While I have a really active imagination and fantasize a lot when Im solo, when I’m with my partner I try to be focused on him and our shared session. Not just for his benefit but for mine. 12 years in we both still deserve to feel that desire and be present in the moment.
That said, minds do wander. I’ve even occasionally thought about non-sexual things during PIV. During oral if I’m ever having a hard time focusing I bring it back to my partner—maybe run my hands through his hair to solidify the reality of his tongue working me and connect it back to him. If I’m having a hard time cumming I’ll usually think about how much I want to cum for him and how much he also wants me to cum in that moment.
Even if it’s an external fantasy that caused me to initiate a session with my partner, once I’m in it it’s just me and him. I realize that my approach is a bit wholesome, but as others have pointed out it’s subjective. It would be interesting to see my partners answer though, I wouldn’t be terribly offended if his mind was elsewhere during some sessions.
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My wife and I have started talking about fantasies together during sex occasionally and it has led to some fantastic sex. It started 2 ways:
1) Having sex on a few occasions in front of windows where there was thrill and the possibility, however remote, of being seen.
2) Sneaking out of a holiday house where we were staying with extended family for to go skinny dipping in the pool on a hot night.
Of course in the pool we started to get intimate, which we had never really had the chance to do in a pool to ourselves. With her legs around my waist, we stated talking about other times we had gone skinny dipping or been naked in public (streaking, etc.) in our younger days. This led to talking about other times and people with who we had gotten intimate in a pool.
We ended up back in bed that night, and both that night and the next night, we had some of our hottest sex ever talking about past partners, our early sexcapades, being seen having sex, and what it might be like to see each other having sex with other people. These themes have come up a few times since and every time the sex has been mindblowing. For her in particular, words and mental imagery are a huge turn-on, so she has orgasmed more from this than almost any other time.
With the exception of the window sex this all remains in the realm of fantasy and is a source of arousal for both of us. As for an actual desire, we have discussed and there is a little bit there, but not enough that we have acted upon it. I also wouldn't say this is the norm for us...it sometimes just comes up in conversation or is triggered by a TV show, song, place, etc.
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Having a difficult time expressing fantasies to partner? Or am I being gaslit?
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sexover30
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z2d39s
| 126 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
You are expressing your wants and needs perfectly. He is trying to bully you into things you’re not interested in. He is taking advantage of you and your kindness or your history. If you met him today as a single woman, would you even give this man a second date?
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>He will demand that I tell him what kind of videos to put on. If I give him a basic "genre" or something, he will literally stop and say "No. Not good enough. You're not being vulnerable enough." I don't know how to be MORE vulnerable or really what he means by that. I ask him to clarify, and I get told that I clam up and shut down when kinky talk starts. That I don't push myself beyond my boundaries.
Oh no, this is not okay at all. Boundaries are there to protect you. No one should push themselves beyond their boundaries and it's very concerning and disturbing that he wants you to do this.
>Our financial lives are struggling right now (he isnt working full time, but I am & supoorting both of us. Luckily we dont have kids) and I feel like I am not getting my emotional support needs met from him. He says that I don't do anything to make our sexual or social lives better. I mentally can't seem to do any of that because I am exhausted from working so much & makingnsure everything else in our life has been figured out. He says that's ridiculous and that I am just CHOOSING not to put him first.
This man does not sound like a good or safe life partner. Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like this?
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Sounds like he's being really unkind to you and projecting his own insecurities on to you. He calls you a passenger in the relationship, but from what you've written it sounds like in reality, you are at the helm of everything--carrying the two of you financially, being the one who is supposed to generate the kink and sexuality, being in charge of improving your social lives--while he is the one who is being the passenger. He's making you responsible and not taking any initiative himself. He's the problem! In this kind of environment there is no trust and no emotional safety--of course you can't be vulnerable and open when there is so much pressure and you are constantly being criticized. Intimacy and free sexual expression can't grow in a space like this.
Therapy is a great idea, but it sounds like he can't admit that he's got a major issue within himself that he needs to work on. If he won't go, could you go on your own? That could help you get clarity about whether this is a healthy situation for you to continue to stay in. Whatever you decide, you can trust your intuition that his assessment of the situation is not based in reality and that this is not on you. I'm sorry you're getting such unkind treatment.
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You’ve stated that you’re not getting your emotional needs met, you’re financially supporting him, you’re constantly scared, he’s refusing to go to therapy and he says you’re solely responsible for ruining things.
This does not sound like a healthy partnership that you’re getting support from.
These are not signs that he’s investing in improving your relationship.
If I was in your position, I would be very quickly looking to distance myself from this person and relationship.
From what you’ve written, I think you owe it to yourself to consider what life might be like with a partner that meets your emotional needs, shares responsibilities including finances and taking care of each other, comforts you, actively invests in your relationship including listening and going to counseling, and takes responsibility for their mistakes.
You deserve it. ❤️
Best of luck.
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Please reconsider this relationship. It's getting out of hand. I also see abuse here, massive guilt-tripping. Please don't do anything you don't want to do.
If you are open to it, get a good therapist for yourself (!)
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When and how would you approach your partner about porn habits as your sex life changes?
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sexover30
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yqrp7u
| 105 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.92 | true |
We're going to nominally approve this but as a reminder, anti-porn ideologies ("no fap" for example) run counter to our sub's rules and posts espousing those ideologies will be removed as such.
To be clear, there are plenty of other ways to discuss the pros/cons of porn use.
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I’d start by checking in with each other about the mental health stuff you mentioned in passing. Whatever’s going on there may cause him to seek out that dopamine hit or distraction. Sometimes porn can be a shortcut to feeling better in the moment, but obviously not a great longterm coping strategy.
(Edit: Should add, I say this as someone who’s fine with porn when used healthily! But to me, the amount of time he’s putting towards it suggests that he’s looking for a distraction for whatever reason.)
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Porn addiction can definitely become a problem and if you suspect it, there’s no reason not to bring it up since it can affect you both, and you are in a relationship built on trust. Just have the conversation and don’t point fingers. It’s you against the problem, if a problem exists, which is what you’re interested in finding out.
I think a lot of comments you are receiving are ignoring the possible detrimental effects of porn and the effects it can have. Your issues may lie elsewhere, but maybe this is a part of it.
Moderate usage is not a problem usually, but heavy usage could be! Talk about it and see.
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There is really no reason to ask about his masturbation or porn viewing habits unless you're asking to participate in the viewing and wanking sessions yourself. Not because the conversation itself is an intrusion; rather because treating this as a problem or an investigation is likely to make him defensive, raise issues about how you came to view his internet history, make him feel inadequate if you bring up reduced sexual interactions, and otherwise make things less sexy between you two.
Instead of having a conversation about what you **don't** want (less porn, less wanking), I'd suggest just having a conversation about what you **do** want (to feel desirable, to have more sexy times, and for both of you to feel sexually gratified and fulfilled). Ask him if there are things he'd like to try, ask him if there are things he wants to do differently, ask if there is anything you can do to make for more or better sexy times, and tell him what you would like.
Keeping the romance alive requires effort and imagination from both partners. If attraction wanes - it is healthier and more effective to treat that as a mutual challenge than as a unilateral problem.
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I think the question here is why you feel like this needs to be a point of conversation.
Do you, for example, think that his porn use is problematic? Usually, if it's not about an inherent moral objection to pornography, what people find problematic about it is if porn becomes a *distraction* from basic life stuff, i.e. "taking care of your shit." That doesn't sound like what's happening here.
It seems to me you think your partner is lying to you about how often he masturbates...which he very well may be because he's embarrassed to admit it. But if he's not being entirely truthful here...does it really matter? After all, you could confront him about this and say "so you're watching all this porn but not jerking off?" but I'm trying to figure out what the goal of that would be.
Lastly, it's always best to caution people from correlating porn consumption with partnered sex frequency. Porn is easy to scapegoat if the frequency of sex goes into decline but what too many people overlook is that masturbation and partnered sex aren't interchangeable with one another since *they fulfill different needs*.
In other words, if your concern is over the falling frequency of sex, then make that the point of the discussion. If you think that the porn use is problematic, make that the point of discussion. But suggesting that A is the result of B is often a leap in assumptions or trying to turn a correlation into causality.
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How to help my partner with her confidence
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sexover30
|
wrohcd
| 28 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.93 | true |
BEFORE YOU DO THE PHOTO SHOOT. You need to make sure she feels comfortable with that. If she feels self-conscious about her body around you, I imagine it’s probably just as bad—if not worse—with someone she doesn’t know.
I suggest maybe starting slow. My partner has been having body confidence issues recently and I’ve been in the same boat. This is what has been working for us.
A while back, she was complaining about not having bras that fit. One day, while she was out of the house, I got her exact measurements. I went online and ordered her a few bras. *I also fully utilized customer service support.* I didn’t want to run into the issue of the items I bought her being too big or too small. Most places I contacted were very helpful.
I got a few practical and comfortable ones and then I got her some sexier ones. I asked her if she would model them for me. She was fine with the every day bras. The sexier ones she was a little shy about. I explained what I liked about them, why I liked them. I explained how *she* made the bra look good. I **did not** say that the bra made her look better. That insinuates that she needed something to look better. Focus on *the person* not the item.
**This is where positive reinforcement is key**. Your partner does not feel sexy. Let them know how sexy you think they are.
This is, I believe, more of a kink than a suggestion. But look up body worship. Consider emphasizing her body and how each part is something you find beautiful and sexual. Explain it. Nurture it. Feed her confidence with intimacy.
In my situation, it started with bras and underwear. I’ve since bought her lingerie and bondage gear. And make it fun. “I saw this and thought of you.” “I can imagine *insert sex act* with *whatever you want.*” And, most importantly, communicate. If you want to try new stuff out, *express yourself.* Involve her.
Sex is supposed to be fun. **What you are doing** is a great start and I really think you are doing well with how you explained it. Confidence and body confidence is a hard thing to deal with it (for men and women). Having a supportive partner—like yourself—is a great help.
But, *please*, make sure your partner is comfortable enough to do a boudoir session before buying her one. Might be too much pressure and anxiety—which is never fun.
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Playful comments about how cute she looks, etc., are great -- but also don't underestimate the impact of a time-stopping heartfelt compliment. Sprinkle your casual flirty jokes with a moment every so often where you stop her dead in her tracks in the middle of the kitchen, get serious, take her face in your hands, and tell her explicitly how beautiful she is and how lucky you feel. Those moments absolutely melt me, and I replay those words in my head over and over and over.
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Honestly, I identify with your wife here.
Something that's helpful to me (ymmv) is actual honesty. Like overblowing the compliments (no other women are attractive, you're a perfect 10, you're hotter than ___famous hot person___) make me feel like every compliment is fake. When Mr. Nomad is honest with me ("that model is pretty hot," "I like your hair like this" "you look really pretty today") I am more inclined to believe him than if he said something like "I think you're super attractive 100% of the time, even when you look like you got hit by a truck, super hot, every moment of every day" because objectively that can't be true.
Also, erections are like lie detectors. Unfortunately not reliable lie detectors as we age, but it's nice when he says I look good and has the tent to prove it.
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I began to accept that my husband liked the way I looked when he started viewing porn that had characteristics similar to mine.
Middled aged redheaded mom porn is a thing he is doing now.
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My wife and I deal with the same - and in fact I find her hotter now than when we first met 15 years ago. Kids changed everything about her body, in a good way I think. She was super toned and now she has this pouch of belly that is impossible for her to get rid of and I utterly love it. When I’m going down on her I really find myself lovingly grabbing it and I’ve explained to her that I love it, but she’s still self conscious about it.
One day we were making out and I started with her hair (now with gray streaks) and moved my down to her feet describing in detail what I love about every part of her that is different than when we met. That helped her a lot.
It’s hard man, but keep it up.
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Have you ever caught people having sex in public? What did you think? Is it mostly fine or always wrong?
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sexover30
|
wfa4hy
| 176 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.91 | true |
Gentle reminder: people are absolutely welcome to have this spirited debate but as always: **be excellent to one another.** Don't ad hominem attack one another just because you disagree with them. We will delete entire comment threads if people can't follow our most basic rule.
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The most compelling argument I've heard around the ethics of public sex is that, at its most "public," you're roping bystanders into your sex life without their consent. While not identical to flashing someone — there's more plausible denial with public sex I suppose — it's somewhere in the general ballpark: you're getting off on making other people notice something that's inherently deviant (in the literal sense of "deviating from the norm").
As I'm sure people are already thinking "doesn't this get kind of blurry?" and of course it is. I think most people would agree that having sex on a public bus is "not cool" whereas having sex in a car parked in an empty lot isn't likely to upset people.
But sex in the park or a beach or off a popular hiking trail? It's harder to say and there's not going to be a definitive consensus around whether or not you're forcing non-consenting strangers to become part of you getting your rocks off.
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I'm of the consent mindset: people out in the world are not consenting to be part of your sex life (e.g. to stumbling across people fucking). There are places where you can do that with a consenting audience.
I'll also add, if you're tucked away in a tent or even in a car, I'm personally not going to be pressed about it. But if you've parked yourself in a spot where it's more than likely you're going to be seen (because you want to be seen), you're being a douche.
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While it wouldn’t bother me—I can see it being problematic for other people (or even a kid walking into that).
I try to go with the idea that it’s ok to have kinks, just don’t put your kink on a complete stranger.
I remember one time I was out in public and—again, perfectly fine—there was a couple that was in a sub/dom relationship. The woman was pretty scantily clad and had a bone gag in. Her partner led her through the store on a leash. Whatever. What was *not* cool was the family with 3 little kids walking into that. Sex store. Whatever. Store open to the general public where you knowingly might run into kids or people not into it? Not cool.
I have run into people having sex. Not a problem for me. But be cautious of your surroundings and considerate to others.
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It all comes down to consent. The people having sex may have consented, but if those who encounter them didn't then it's not completely ethical. The particular circumstances and motivations of everyone involved determine how unethical it is.
If the location is public but provides a reasonable expectation of privacy (eg: camping/hiking in a remote location) that's very different than somewhere with a higher likelihood of being caught by a random person (public park, hiking in a popular location). And of course it’s all good if you’re somewhere that includes a default consent to seeing public sex (eg: swinger resort).
Likewise, it's one thing to get caught up in the moment and have sex somewhere risky despite the possibility of being seen, a different thing do it there specifically because you want the thrill of the risk of being caught, and a significantly different thing if you are actively hoping to cause people to see you. The first is inconsiderate, the second is somewhere in the middle, and the last is an intentional consent violation.
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Question about vibrators
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sexover30
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wfb0nr
| 9 |
Question
| true | true | 0.77 | true |
Every female is different. Sit back and let her use the vibrator on herself with you. Let her close her eyes and really focus on the sensations. Don't get involved, just watch her respond to placement.
Vibrators absolutely suck (for me) if used without a slippery wet surface and already being turned on. It is much better after a first orgasm than right off the bat. Also, more is not usually better (for me). The speeds should be adjusted low and worked up until it hits the right frequency for her. I find that too high of settings is uncomfortable in a variety of ways. Also, more patterns is not better (for me). Generally you find something that works and stick to it.
Not all women like toys. She might be one. That's okay too.
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Here at our place, the toys and vibes and stuff don't even come out of the drawer unless/ until there's been a lot of foreplay/ oral/ etc for her. The stimulation is just too much too early and so it's not what she likes. BUT- when it's time to wrap up/ go over the edge, that's when they come out.
I'm pretty sure my wife's not super unique in that, so that's my one bit of advice. Just don't START with the thing, do a lot of warmup first. I'll also point out that my wife is one of those that can't seem to get there without the stimulation provided by a vibrator- it's been EXCEEDINGLY RARE without in our 20+yrs together- so it could just be that your wife doesn't need it, and if she doesn't need it, why worry? So keep that in mind, too.
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I don't enjoy them on my bare skin or directly on my clit at all, ick!! I always use my Magic Wand with underwear on and I actually put it on either side of my vulva and not directly on my clit ever ever. In fact, I'm pretty sensitive to direct clit stim from tongues and fingers too. I like the smooth skin right above my clit licked. 🤷♀️
My recommendation would be for her to play with it alone, maybe even by herself without you there, first and get really comfortable with it and good at getting herself off or at least pleasuring herself some with it before handing it over to you.
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Don't use a vibrator on her unless she wants to.
If you use it, this time don't put it under her clitoral hood.
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You guys are killin it, first of all. You're clearly very honest and open with each other, and the resulting sex, despite your claimed lack of experience, sounds like it's really great.
My wife and I use vibrators a fair amount. None of them have ever send her "straight to an orgasm", but if it did I certainly wouldn't want to throw it away LOL.
Some thoughts about rhythms to answer your question specifically.
* We use vibrators most when she's on her period. She loves going down on me, so those sessions are mostly making out, cuddling, oral for me and she uses it on herself. That's a theme with our vibrator use as it's progressed; we just find that it tends to work better when she does it. The intensity makes going to the "wrong spot" a big risk that could throw her out of an approaching orgasm, and it doesn't bother either of us, so that's the route.
* Outside of her period, I'll bring out the toys if I can feel that she's particularly stressed and clenched up. We got a massage table, and so in those instances, I'll usually massage her and move to using a toy after a lot of time, and get that first orgasm out before we slip into our more normal rhythms (e.g. traded oral, then a rotation between me going down on her and PIV, switching to her going down on me after a few orgasms, finishing either in PIV or while she uses mouth/hands.) This is really the only time I will use the toys on her, and I usually go with a big one like the Hitachi Magic Wand, as more surface area coverage makes specific spots less important.
* The other scenario that toys will come out is when we've had sex for awhile, she's had at least one orgasm, and we still have a lot of energy left and she's wants to go after one or two more. In those cases, she'll grab her little "clit sucker" type toy and use it on herself either in doggystyle or while going down on me. This seems to align with your uses.
So that's how they come into play for us! I really enjoy incorporating them. Just last night she had an orgasm while using the little toy on herself, and I just held her super tight through it, rubbing and kissing and stuff, and I find those times to be super intimate and intense. I like going down on her and have seen no association between toy use and difficulty getting her off myself, and being able to experience her orgasm from other angles and while focusing on other parts of her body is just really fun for me.
Good luck!
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Sex on the first date? Yes or No?
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sexover30
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wd2ei9
| 63 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.81 | true |
I don’t see any harm in it. My husband wanted to have sex on our first date but I was on my period and didn’t feel like dealing with that for our first time together, but we sexted pretty heavily leading up to our second date and had sex then. I absolutely would have had sex on the first date if my period hadn’t been happening.
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Dating is not like an old board game where the rules are printed on the lid of the box. It depends on the people involved and how things play out. If this guy ticks your boxes, including great sex, go with it and see where it takes you.
It's a bit late to be asking about first date sex anyway, isn't it?
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I don't know anyone who strictly sticks to "no sex on the first date." but hormones from sex can make it hard to make grounded decisions about people.
I jokingly refer to sex on first dates as being a mind control trick, and mileage will vary, haha.
re whether people choose to be or not be in relationships cuz of it: people will always just do what they want and are capable of. some people will make an excuse like "it's cuz we did/didn't have sex" or something, but mature people will take responsibility, like by telling you some variation of "I don't want a relationship."
good luck! dating apps are so much fun imo but likr everything, moderation or it'll get out of control.
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I slept with my partner the night I met him. We are still rocking and rolling. We both value sex in the relationship so it was nice to set that precedent early on. Nothing more disappointing than going on multiple dates with someone and anticipating a good time only to find that the bedroom chemistry just isn't there. It's a compatibility test and the way he treats you in the bedroom will show a lot about his ego or lack of. No shame in feeling good, power to you.
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Relationships grow out all kinds of encounters. There are absolutely no hard rules to how they're supposed to go.
Also: anyone who doesn't want to date you long-term just b/c you slept together on the first date? That person is a piece of s--- and they've done you a favor to reveal themselves as such before you get too invested.
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As a pleasure seeker is it possible to prevent the pain that comes after sex/love?
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sexover30
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vuk58t
| 20 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.8 | true |
Don’t have an answer for you, but just wanted to commiserate. Every long or semi-long term partner I’ve had has pulled back sexually after the new relationship phase, *even when the sex had gotten much better*. I’m sure I’m affected too but my brain just seems to be different. I want sex even more after bonding than I do before. Would be great to have some strategies for navigating that.
Regarding the pleasure of accomplishment - that’s a really interesting idea. I’ve thought about the idea of doing a weekly sex plan, kind of like planning meals in advance. So you don’t just set a time, you choose “recipes”. Tuesday evening is doggystyle over the arm of the couch. Wednesday is oral with a timer, whoever orgasms fastest wins, try to break the record. Sunday afternoon is anal in the sex swing, whatever. Trying stuff. So you have specific things to accomplish in a session, and you can try to get better at them over time.
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You can't control how you feel, but you can control your actions, and that's for superior. As you move along in life, you try different things out in how you act towards other people, and more importantly how you let other people treat you. Someone who is totally into you for a few weeks can be a great thing to have. Not every relationship is going to be the one, so you have to be willing to take your chances, and trust in yourself. Your gut will give you good feedback if you just listen to it.
Don't overthink it with chemicals. Look at the things you can control and free yourself from worrying about the things you can't control. It's tough but worth your time.
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There’s no way to hack your brain chemistry into not feeling emotional pain.
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Do you get sub drop? This is when your dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin gets all spent and afterwards you need extra comfort, chocolate and care because you feel emotionally drained and kinda empty, almost depressed but just not feeling yourself.
Also, do you feel better in about 1-2 days? If so research subdrop in BDSM communities. It’s really common. I get it.
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>One clue, pleasure from effort ( eg. As in the pleasure derived from a workout or a job well done) delivers a secondary dopamine spike which lasts longer than a primary spike( pleasure derived from pure hedonism/ eating chocolate/ sex/ romantic love) So the question is, how can I make my sex/pleasure experiences into something that takes effort?
I think you may be referring to Solomon's opponent process theory. This theory proposes that the mind/body has mechanisms to restore homeostasis following any emotional event. It has been used to explain drug addiction as well as other behaviours.
When you experience an emotion (the A process) the mind/body brings online an opposite emotion (the B process). The B process is slower and longer lasting than the A process, so it persists after the A process terminates. In the case of something pleasurable, like sex or drug use, the B process is craving, hangover, or come-down. In the case of something unpleasant, like the pain/discomfort of a hard workout, the B process is relief or euphoria (aka runner's high).
To work with this, you might deliberately choose to have more uncomfortable experiences to offset the pleasurable ones. Hard physical workouts are a relatively healthy way to do this.
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Will a sex therapist help?
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sexover30
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vpxpx6
| 86 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.98 | true |
not a sex therapist, but am a marriage therapist. couples work can help people gain self-awareness which can result in small incremental changes, but the reality is you likely are who you are. sex has a performative aspect and you can always learn new things...but you shouldn't set yourself up to fail by placing an expectation on you or your wife for huge changes.
Counseling might not be a bad idea though, because in long-term monogamy the bedroom is often the stage where underlying dynamics play out, i.e. it might not just be about the sex or be about the sex at all
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I think a sex therapist would/could be helpful. A sex therapist might be able to interpret what your wife is saying, and then explain it to you in a more meaningful/understandable way.
I found sex therapist on aasect.org. I wouldn't worry too much about location, as a lot of people just do it over zoom.
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OP: you might want to look at this thread too: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/vppcd4/respecting_boundaries_vs_couples_therapy_arent/
It's not identical to your situation but there's some parallels in there that might be useful.
Personally, I don't think a sex therapist can "train" you to be more "forceful" or whatever. That's not what they do and it's important that neither you nor your wife look for a therapist with the wrong idea in mind.
I think the question here is whether *you* want to be learn to be more dominant or not? Are you doing this just to make your partner happy? Would you feel like you're compromising your integrity to do this?
If you genuinely interested in learning something new — because you actually *want to* — that's one thing. If this is about forcing yourself to do something you're not comfortable with simply to appease some one else, a decent therapist will tell you "don't do that."
Regardless, I just don't think you're looking for a sex therapist. I think you should look for a personal therapist (sex friendly of course) who can help you figure out what you want, for yourself, rather than feeling forced by your partner to transform yourself in ways that you're not comfortable with.
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>Would a sex therapist help either me or us figure this out?
Yes, a sex therapist could potentially be very helpful. A good sex therapist will help you and your wife explore the meanings that you put on sex and what it means to be sexually satisfied/dissatisfied. Most sex therapists are also couples therapists, so they may want to put sex on hold while addressing any more important issues in your relationship. When it comes to sex, they are likely to suggest exercises such as sensate focus or the three minute game that will allow the two of you to try out different types of touch, learn what you do and don't like, increase mindfulness, and decrease performance anxiety.
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Echo being forceful in bed isn't something a sex therapist would help with although I imagine there is someone out there teaching a class in it (just not an actual sex therapist). I would ask, what is the barrier to you being more forceful in bed "in a way that she is looking for?" Do you not know what she is actually asking for because she hasn't been clear? Are you just not comfortable doing it? If she can't tell you, do you have access to porn or erotica you know she has enjoyed? That might give you a clue.
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How to explore kink together
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sexover30
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vmnrb8
| 58 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.91 | true |
If it’s more psychological for her, then it’s probably going to be more about the things you say and a persona that you play. I’m similar in that the draw for me isn’t the physical pain so much as the psychological fucked-upness of it all. Is that kind of where she’s coming from?
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Then you need references. Start looking at porn and erotica and dissect it. What do you like? What do you not like? What is interesting, but you're not ready to try? That should help you narrow it down.
By psychological, does she mean she wants discipline and to be seduced into sex? Sensory overwhelm or extreme sensation? Play with her fears and worries? Super naughty talk? Mental gymnastics in order to "earn" sex or certain funishments/punishments?
Basically you need to try stuff and work together to get feedback. Start small, see how you both feel, pause, shift a little more. Any indication that it's not happily reciprocated by both of you, stop. Neutral is also a stop. rinse and repeat until you have a better idea of what works and what doesn't.
Remember that it's highly specific. This sort of stuff gets into what makes a person tick. What might be easy and obvious to one might leave another a quivering pile of terror. What might be vanilla to you, could be the most fucked up thing I'd ever consider. (Misjudging that and holding people to the same standard is a great way to get people hurt.)
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I don’t like any of these answers. Before surfing for porn and heading to the sex toy shop, educate yourselves on what is and isn’t BDSM. Spend some time on forums, maybe read a book or two? (Back in the day, “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” was often recommended, but there might be better/newer options now) There’s plenty of play in the realm of what y’all are looking for, but a LOT of “BDSM” porn is just abusive and much too hard core to be a very good point of reference, at least, in my opinion. You can also look for a local munch to talk with other people in the kink community, but I understand that can be a little too public for some people. Mostly, you need to have extremely clear, specific, honest communication around boundaries, fears, turn ons, limits. I suspect it’s the power play that intrigues both of you, the trust and vulnerability that goes along with this sort of stuff. Because you’re very new to it, be patient in building your vocabulary and developing the proper language to really understand each other. It can be a great way to grow closer, but it can also be damaging if you aren’t mindful. Visit some forums and read some books before diving in headlong.
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My new partner and I started a shared blog thing where we both post things that turn us on (porn videos, images, Reddit posts) then we discuss/try things later on. It’s been super hot but low pressure.
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Is there any porn or erotica that's been inspirational to her? Something that you could read/watch together? Do either of you have fantasies that you can share with each other? Stuff that you're be reluctant to share, even? It wasn't until I was able to acknowledge and push past my own sexual shape that we were able to take things to the next level.
We have found that over the years we've been exploring D/s is that we had to make it our own. For my wife, the appeal lies largely giving up control. For a while she doesn't have to think doesn't have to make any decisions, doesn't even have to move. She can completely let go, in a way that life doesn't normally allow for her.
On our first go round, we tried doing the very classical BDSM thing with punishments, and strict rules. It wasn't for us. What we have now, which is working incredibly well for us,is something based on love, support, and praise. We used to think that was doing it "wrong", for some damned reason.
Our play has resulted in a degree of trust that allows me to literally hypnotize her, and her giving me that trust means more than I can say. Important thing is to be aware of the pitfalls. Look up sub drop be ready for it, and have a plan.
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Should I be so concerned with the lack of noise my man produces during pleasure together?
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sexover30
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vmhjfy
| 73 |
Question
| true | true | 0.87 | true |
I learned to make noise in my 50s. It took my partner encouraging me, continuing to encourage me, lots and lots of trust, time, patience and practice. It can be a learned skill. Now I moan a lot. It’s fun and it makes my partner happy.
So don’t give up. Be patient and loving. Model and encourage. And strive for baby steps. 😁
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Just chiming in to say it's normal and not necessarily related to enjoyment. I've worked on being more vocal and it gets my wife more into it as well. It was awkward at first but becomes natural.
From the other side, she was always very vocal until we had kids. She started being quiet since we kept them in the next room and, interestingly, it reduced the quality of sex not just for me but for her too. We solved the "kids can hear" problem but that didn't completely fix things until I started to be vocal. She said me making noise made it easier for her to feel comfortable doing it again.
I would just frame it positively. Say, "I think it's hot when you make noise to let me know when you feel good" or a sexier version you think of.
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I would put money on it not having anything to do with what you are doing, but more him being in the habit of getting himself off quietly and maybe some embarrassment.
Positive reinforcement is a good thing in this case. At some point when you're not actually having sex, let him know how much it turns you on when he moans or makes sounds while you bone.
You could also take the opportunity to ask if there's anything he wants to do differently or try out that yall haven't done, and you could do the same.
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I’m fairly quiet but really enjoy myself so I wouldn’t worry. I’ve had quiet and noisy partners, people are just different.
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Many religions demonize masturbation so as a young man you need to hide and be quiet. That can follow you into adulthood.
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Best shower for sex?
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sexover30
|
vlj5rw
| 27 |
Question
| true | true | 0.82 | true |
A simple question but not one we’ve fielded before. Approved to post.
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Rain shower shower head, a bench, and some very secure bars.
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I enjoy shower sex as well. My comment would be a shower that can trap the heat in so you’re both warm. I prefer actual shower pans as they’re flatter than using a tub to shower in and have sex. Grippy floors are much safer too.
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We are both 6’+ so for us it’s not the shower head but the space to move.
Big area, warm tiles, bench seat if you can swing it…
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I’d suggest some good strong grab bars to keep safe
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General advice on one-sided non-monogamy?
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sexover30
|
v8d780
| 122 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.91 | true |
I have to say, this is one of the better posts/posters we’ve received in a while. The fact that OP created a summary edit is above and beyond.
And despite a pretty small handful of low effort and un-excellent comments we had to remove, I feel like most of the community here was thoughtful and helpful in their advice. Bravo!
We’re going to lock this for now but if OP ever wants to make a follow-up post down the road, I’m sure people would like to know how things have gone with this experiment.
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> I should say, we trust each other completely and I'm 100% convinced that this is something she's OK with, she's not playing games, and we can handle whatever comes of it.
The thing that I would consider is this. In a lot of situations like this, people believe that they will be OK with something but after it happens it turns out that they were wrong. So I would adjust your expectations here and not say you are 100% convinced it's something she's OK with and rather say you are 100% convinced that she believes she's OK with it.
It's a subtle change but important when it comes to setting your own expectations.
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take it slow and really consider if your "needs" are going to be filled by casual physical encounters, or if you actually need to have a fulfilling sex life with your partner. Casual sex may not be a solution for your dead bedroom, you really need to soul search on that before getting involved in this.
consider realistically the logistics of how you're planning on finding partners, how much time you're going to spend searching for them and spending time with them, and how that's going to fit into your current life. How are you going to feel and deal with the frequent rejection that a 40 year old dude in a relationship is going to face on the dating market?
there's a confidence I'm reading in this post ("100% convinced", "we can handle what comes of it" etc) that is concerning because you haven't even thought it through or had serious discussions with her about specifics.
Someone recommended /r/NonMonogamy but /r/openmarriage might be better suited. NM subreddit is basically a poly sub and is going to chew you alive if you dare mention "rules"
Good luck!
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Do you have a budget for sex workers? If this is really, truly just about sex and sowing wild oats, then paying a sex worker is the easiest option with the least risk to your life as you know it.
If that option isn’t feasible to you, I recommend lurking (not posting) on r/nonmonogamy. Just spend a while reading the posts and especially the replies. It will give you a good sense of all the things you and your wife likely haven’t considered. Such as - married or highly partnered men looking for women have a more difficult time finding potential partners. The things that you had to offer when you were young and dating for a monogamous relationship - such as the relationship escalator - are not on the table for new partners. So think honestly about what you do have to offer, and proceed accordingly. Know that the ENM dating pool is much, much smaller than the regular monogamous dating pool.
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As someone in this sort of relationship, I will say it's doable and although a lot of relationships aren't capable of handling nonmonogamy, some definitely are. The fact that your partner is the one who suggested this is the biggest green flag here, though it's far from easy.
This may sound mundane, but I would say the biggest difficulty is logistics, to be honest. Transitioning to a non-monogamous relationship is a larger lifestyle change than just having sex with other people, because you have to manage your life differently in order to make it happen. Your social life will have to change a lot to accommodate this, and that will mean higher costs in terms of money and your time.
You'll need to put yourself out there, which might mean you aren't home as much anymore. Less time to help with your child, for instance, but also just less intimacy time with your partner (assuming that this is something she still needs, and I'm not talking about sex here). How 'out' about your other relationships are you going to be? Is it going to be too expensive to go out on dates? How does your partner feel about you potentially getting a communicable disease? Are you able to host your other partners sometimes?
There are a lot of specifics to think about and you and your partner will need to hash out clear boundaries, which is much easier than it sounds, and it's going to stir up a lot of emotions no matter how you slice it. I highly recommend seeking a nonmonogamy-friendly therapist, if you find your current one to be judgmental (many people don't even realize how judgmental they are about these things). Therapists that advertise as queer-friendly or AASECT certified are often better bets because they have experience with alternative lifestyles off the relationship escalator. And you will also want to cultivate some friendships so that you can talk about this stuff outside of a clinical setting too, if possible. You'll have a lot of feelings to process. Just some things to think about.
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Is a satisfying sex life possible after a hysterectomy?
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sexover30
|
v2glm4
| 116 |
Question
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
Yes! It's been 7 years since my full hysterectomy, I'm on HRT and having the best sex of my life!
I did have a few complications and full healing seemed to take forever, but once I did, we were able to resume all normal sexual activities. For a while there we just had to be extremely careful, but now there are no restrictions.
My husband says it feels amazing and I agree with him!
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Yep!! I had mine in February this year and everything’s back to normal! I’m mid forties, too much bleeding (fibroids) and not a candidate for an ablation (adenomyosis).
Waited 5 weeks until we tried “just the tip” 😂. Had my six week follow up, everything was 100% healed and I asked my doctor explicitly these questions! Are large dildos ok cause if not I could retire one of them? Is rough ok? Is rough fingering ok? She laughed and said yes everything is perfectly healed and you can do everything you were doing before!
So we’ve done it all and 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻. I thought I’d be nervous the first time we went full on but I was so horny and into it that it never crossed my mind to be nervous.
My first 2-3 orgasms by myself (clitoral) were probably 50-70% of what they were prior to surgery but after those few times I am back at 100% and feel no difference! I am going to be honest and say I was worried about that!! With my partner it was back to normal immediately (G-spot/PIV orgasms).
BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!!!! Dooooooo iiiiiiittttttt!
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3 years post hysterectomy, and I'm having the best sex of my life. I opted to keep my cervix, but I don't think that makes much of a difference. I did notice a difference in how orgasm felt, but it's like the difference between silk and velvet - sure, they're different. But both still pretty nice. I also had mine (also at 34!) due to periods so heavy that I was severely anemic.
It was the best choice that I've ever made, despite the long recovery. Sometimes I walk by the tampon aisle in the grocery store and tear up a little with relief that I'm not dealing with that anymore. I hope it's the same for you.
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Is there a reason to need the cervix removed, if it is done to treat your periods? From what I've read, that's the main component of a hysterectomy that could cause issues with sensation during sex, or with having rough sex. The uterus is unlikely to affect your pleasure during sex or your ability to have it.
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Would you get a second opinion about your options?
There is evidence that the cervix is intrinsic to orgasmic response and even desire. It has three separate sets of nerves that send signals to our brains - pelvic, vagus, and hypogastric.
Sex will of course be possible, and without pain I am sure it will be more pleasurable. But arm yourself with all the knowledge you can find and advocate for yourself.
I may sound negative, but I have a friend who could never orgasm again after a LEEP. She said everything feels muted.
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Are we traumatizing our kids? (UPDATE)
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sexover30
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uvyx1k
| 205 |
Update
| true | true | 0.91 | true |
That sounds really healthy and age appropriate to me. Your son is 16, and I’m sure he’s masturbating by now. A 12 year old, is still young, and right at that stage where the awkwardness and insecurities are probably peaking.
I grew up in a conservative, Catholic, home, and sex was never acknowledged, or talked about, besides the sin & shame and religious aspects. To me, silence is far more traumatizing than discussions and awareness.
I encourage both you, and your wife, to open the door for questions privately. I don’t think the “speech mode” is useful, but a simple statement in private like;
“Hey, when I was your age, I didn’t have the internet, and sex was a lot more mysterious to me growing up. I recognize that you can basically Google any questions you have, but I want you to know you can always ask me directly for my input as well. I won’t judge you, I’m here to love & support you. And, if you don’t feel comfortable asking me, I can take you to a doctor, or ask another trusted family member to speak to you in private. Sound good? Any questions?”
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It wasn’t that many generations ago when families lived in one room dwellings with multiple kids.
I’m not saying anyone should have sex in front of their kids, but normalizing sex in a marriage shouldn’t be controversial at all. We still have far too much puritan influence in our culture.
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What screws kids up is not discussing sex with their parents.
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It never hurts to directly ask them if they mind or not. Me and my sister would hear my mother occasionally and we didn't like it at all. It's hard to casually read a book knowing what's happening on the floor above you.
I guess people coming from closed and prude parents imagine that openness about sex is great, but openness doesn't go without certain boundaries and these may vary from child to child/person to person.
Normalizing and discussing sex is important, I do fully agree, but I don't think hearing your parents have sex really adds to that. Sure it's your house etc, but you brought your children in it so you should ask about and respect their boundaries as much as possible I think.
Oh and I definitely don't think you're traumatizing them, but it couldn't hurt to explicitly ask them if it makes them uncomfortable instead of assuming it doesn't because they don't say it themselves.
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Noise machines help. They aren’t perfect but they do work wonders
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How do you let your partner know you are in the mood ahead of time without saying it?
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sexover30
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ur7po5
| 49 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.94 | true |
If my wife is wearing shorts to bed she’s getting wrecked. If she wears pants to bed we just cuddle. I never really realized it was about her being chased. When we were younger and she’d wear tiny shorts to bed or just a t-shirt I would say something like, “you really going to walk by me like that and expect me to just crawl in bed and go to sleep?” After years of random tiny shorts to bed I realized it was her signal. It’s worked for us for a long time.
Good luck with whatever works for you all.
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My partner has a candle that literally says when This candle is lit it’s time for dick
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I've heard of people doing a bracelet/ particular piece of jewellery as a signal. Or something (a scarf?) draped over the headboard could work too. Or wearing a particular color that day or to bed. Lots of options!
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I will literally text an eggplant emoji. lol
No need to recreate the wheel 💅🏽✨
And if I’m super down I’ll text it like 10 times in a row 😅
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I've been asking, in my most formal voice, for an appointment (a dick appointment)
Sometimes there's no appointments til tomorrow, sometimes there's appointments for tonight, sometimes he accepts walk-ins
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How to get partner to actually do foreplay?
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sexover30
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upya0x
| 115 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.92 | true |
He doesn't appreciate you. He needs to want to give you coreplay without transactional expectation of bj or sex. I've been with a selfish man, many of us have and the resentment begins to cloud everything until you reset your obligations to put your needs first. Ugh, 40min bj with nothing for you, that's so sad you put up with that.
Is he selfish in other areas such as with equality in housework stuff and your children?
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Why are you trying to have another baby with this guy right now when he is a shitty partner?
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that doesn’t sound like sex. it sounds like he’s using you to masturbate.
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20-40 min BJ and then PIV damn girl you working overtime!!
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Eyes went wide and immediately scrolled the comments before I could read the rest of the post when it said 20-40 min BJs. Holy
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how do I appreciate my wife's body?
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sexover30
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ue89l6
| 104 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.86 | true |
I know this isn't the answer you're looking for but ask her. Communication is key. Whether it's in the moment and you're asking if she likes what you're doing or ask ahead of time. What's the most thing that you can do to turn her on? Where does she like to be touched? How hard? Feather touching? Massaging? Been with my spouse 16 years and I only learned a couple years ago that she likes feather touching all over her body. I wish I would have known before because all it takes is a couple minutes of that and she is wet and ready.
Remember that all women are different and even some of the recommendations in here might not fit for your wife so be sure to ask for feedback in the moment to make sure it's working.
Are also some online quizzes you can take and check out each other's results to learn more about each other
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Get a massage table and learn how to give her a fantastic full-body sensual massage!
+ [Sensate Focus and Sensual/Erotic Massage](https://www.reddit.com/r/tantricsex/comments/eu08if/lingam\_and\_yoni\_massage/ffkluvm/)
Long, long ago, we slipped into a dead bedroom, and this is a big part of what fixed it and made sex great for both of us.
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Okay so 40F here, married 10 yrs. For me foreplay starts in the mind. Build the anticipation through the day. Kiss her, touch her, tell her what you want to do to her later. Eye contact during, taking your time, making sure distractions are put to rest. Use toys if you have them. Does she like lingerie? Make sure it’s comfortable, otherwise for me it kills the mood.
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Not a lady but figured I would chime in considering my wife is actually in the process of a health and diet transformation and her body shape is starting to come through and it has her feeling so great about herself lately.
I daily reassure her body is a divine treasure to me. I like to sit on the edge of the bed and bring her to me and embrace her and take her in. It makes her feel so sexy and good about herself. Ill take note because she will play with my hair as a response that shes happy and feeling good about the situation and she knows Im a sucker for some fingers through the hair.
I like to remind my wife daily through SnapChat which we use as our way of dirty fun adult play and conversation just how beautiful she is to me.
I love seeing how shes feeling herself lately and it comes with many benefits to me too especially sex because shes just so much more confident and turned on and shes able to really get into it with me which I needed. Before we spent so much wasted time not connecting because of issues of how she saw herself until she decided to take her health into her own hands.
We now have a gym membership together and I can't wait for the road ahead because we are both going to be healthier and happier as a couple. Shes actually inspiring me to get off my ass.
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Late thirties wife, married 10 years here. For me, appreciating my body is about you, the husband, showing me your passion...like sensual, savoring, with enthusiasm and healthy dose of assertiveness/dominance, that you find me incredibly delicious and want to kiss/massage/explore my curves, hips, breasts, butt, stomach, low back. Like you're more than happy to take sweet time enjoying each part.
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How to enjoy 69 more?
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sexover30
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udd2q1
| 26 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.85 | true |
>I have a hard time splitting my focus between giving and receiving
This is really common; a lot of people have difficulty with trying to manage the position *simultaneously*.
So what can you do? *Take turns* while staying in the position.
In other words, let's say you're on top and he's focusing on you. In that moment, be present with how it feels for you. If you feel like some kind of reciprocation, you can always stroke or fondle him but allow yourself to be the focus of attention for a little bit.
Then switch: ask him to ease up off what he's doing while you increase your focus on him. You can still encourage him to touch you, smell you, maybe make the occasional lick, but bottom line, what you're trying to remove is the "oral Olympic competition" that too often, people trying out 69 assume you're supposed to do (i.e. both of you going all-out, at the same time).
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Incorporate toys/wands/vibrators? I love the push and pull to please and be pleased at the same time. I think my partner does to. Maybe we don't 69 often enough 🤔
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Try lying on your back with your head hanging just over the edge of the bed. From there he can stand in front of your face and lean over to reach you.
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Have you ever tried it with him on top? That's my personal favorite. 🤤
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The best 69s I’ve had were with my current partner, and we were lying side by side (in a true 69 shape). No one on top / bottom. I’m not a huge 69 fan either - I can’t enjoy the receiving as much and don’t do as good a job with the giving - but with this position, I can sort of look down and see my partner, and my nose isn’t right in her butt either (not that I have a problem with that lol)
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How can I suggest trying something new?
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sexover30
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tdhrhu
| 13 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.81 | true |
“Hey I’ve been kind of curious about xyz, would you want to explore xyz with me?”
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If you're willing to try it, maybe bring it up like it's your idea that it's something you would like to try to ease him into it. I always think honesty is the best policy. But I'm sure if you made it seem like it was your idea he might be like yeah let's try it. 🤷
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I might say something like:
Hey Eponine,
I've heard some women like to bite their man's nipples. Is that something you'd ever like to try with me? If you want to, I'll do it.
Or if i want to be a little more direct because *I* like the idea too:
Hey Eponine,
I've heard some women like to bite their man's nipples. I think you'd like it. (Sheepish look) I might too. Wanna give it a shot?
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I would surprise him with your new found openness to the act but not the act itself initially. Leave sometime to discuss the idea, for both of you two to really warm up to the idea. The anticipation of knowing something new is coming is half the fun sometimes
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There are things in porn that excite and we want to do it irl… and there are things that leave us anxious and emotionally depressed but mesmerized and that we don’t want to do irl.
YMMV
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What does being kinky mean to you?
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sexover30
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tcpk1u
| 33 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.88 | true |
I have a slightly different take on this.
Does it “feel” kinky to you? If so, then yes. :)
For me, it’s not about specific sex acts. My kink is just being in a headspace with someone where it feels like we’re doing something naughty, no one else knows about it and it’s like we’ve got our own little secret.
Having said all that, getting a very hard slap in the face just as I’m about to climax is just the hottest thing to me. I think by most people’s standards that would be kinky?
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I would put most of those in the kink bucket
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Genuinely sounds like you're fucking my mate. He is indeed a kinky fucker.
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I think kinky is a very subjective term honestly. It depends who you ask. 🙂 For some anything outside of missionary PIV can be considered adventurous and "kinky". Sounds like you guys are having fun!
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I always recommend the app Kindu for helping you and your partner meet halfway when discussing what you both desire. You only see the kinks that you both agree on.
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My partner is annoyed because I don't want to spend my childfree half day off having sex. Is It wrong of me ?
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sexover30
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ta3evx
| 150 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.85 | true |
I have a slightly different take than the other commenters so far, who seem to think that your husband is selfish and entitled. I assume that these are not personality traits of his (after all, you do love this man, right?), but that they are him reacting poorly in response to legitimate feelings that he's having.
I've been listening to the book "So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex" by Ian Kerner. He talks a lot about mismatches in sexual scripts and communication about what is really wanted.
In your case, I think it's totally reasonable for you to want to have some time to yourself! That Wednesday morning time is Maelle85 Time and you are right to be defensive of that.
With that said, it sounds like your husband craves a nice, long, unhurried sexual encounter. He's asking for it at a time that doesn't work for you, but is that something you'd like to share with him? He may be feeling frustrated and unwanted (and acting like an asshole. The feelings are ok, the reaction is not.) because you don't want to engage in the kind of sex he wants at a time that feels to him like one of the only free moments in the week.
You don't say anything about this, but am I right in thinking that you have very limited Maelle85 Time elsewhere in the week? Am I also right in thinking that you and your husband do not have the prolonged, intimate sex that he wants to have very often? If yes and yes, make time for it!
If Wednesday morning is really the only time that might work for the two of you to have that intimate time, here's a suggestion to start from. First off, each of you should have some time during the week where your partner is spending a few hours of one on one time with your kid, out of the house. Maybe they go to the library, or on a hike, or to the trampoline park, or to the museum. It can be a regular thing.
Second, make time and space to have the sex you want to have. If that means that once or twice a month you use a couple hours of your Wednesday morning to get hot and heavy with each other, awesome. If it means sending the kiddo to stay with their grandparents for the weekend or hiring a babysitter on a Friday evening so the two of you can get a hotel room together, also great. The point is that the sex shouldn't feel like a chore - it's an opportunity to have some adult fun! Make time for yourself first, but also carve out time to be a couple.
Good luck! You got this 🙂
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I’m joining the conversation as someone who was with my ex-wife for a little longer than you. Almost all of it DB, and I was the HL partner.
I’m very sympathetic for your desire to have some down/alone time without the kids. It’s hard having little ones, and parents need time to recharge. And do chores. Your needs on this front are normal, healthy, reasonable.
I also sympathize with your partner, though I’ll admit I’m projecting my own experience in based in the background you provided in some of your comments. When my partner shut down basically all my attempts at intimacy, I started to hyper focus on moments where I though I could persuade her - through various forms of pressure. I regret doing it, now. But at the time I was desperate for connection and initimacy and it seemed like the only way.
In my case, we never resolved these tensions and divorced. Turns out we are so much happier, and better parents, apart than we could have been together. But hopefully for the two of you, you can reach some sort of compromise, win-win solution. Where you each give some and receive some in return. It can be very hard to find that sweet spot.
I wish my partner and I had tried a sex therapist early in our DB. That’s the only thing I can think of that could have altered the course of our slow painful decline.
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I am curious if you have sex in the evening after the kids are in bed. Do you avoid having sex when the kids are home? I mean, if you never have sex when the kids are home, it's natural that he would want to use kid-free time for sex.
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> my partner is an absolute asshole in the morning
He could start by fixing that. Maybe then you'd want to have sex with him...
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100% of this problem could be fixed by him (or you) even slightly attempting to be romantic. Your dude wants uninterrupted, lengthy, relaxed sexual encounters. So how far has he looked into arranging a nice date night for you both with an overnight babysitter? All the chocolate strawberries or wine or whatever you want, nice sensual massage, new silk undies for everyone, a nice air BNB so it's a new and exciting environment, and it's uninterrupted time where you both can feel needed and enjoy each others bodies. You need time to do yoga and read and you shouldn't sacrifice that to placate him if you're not in the mood. But you also sound like your alternative to not having sex the days he wants is just not having sex? No offence but no wonder you had a dead bedroom. The thought process behind all this is awful.
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Any advice on how to make yourself want to have sex with your partner more?
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sexover30
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t2xr2p
| 153 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
One thing that we did, that helps, is to stop waiting to be in the mood. Don't have sex because you are in the mood. Have sex because Wednesdays and Saturdays are your sex nights, and sex is important for your marriage and husband's well-being. There's a very good chance that once you get started, you'll get into it. Quite often, neither one of us is 'in the mood' five minutes before sex. We finish our cups of tea and say, 'well, better get on with it'. Twenty minutes later we've both had a great time and are flush with a bubble of orgasm-induced attraction.
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I have a few tips.
1.) Read “Come As You Are” it really opened my eyes and I learned a lot.
2.) Romance novels. Sometimes reading about sex can create that sexual energy. There is a sub dedicated to this. Or porn. I watch porn sometimes. Female friendly is a good place to start if you are new.
3.) Weed, specifically Sativa, it will make sex out of this world!
4.) If you do like to just “do it yourself” sometimes doing it while watching each other is really hot and intimate. It’s one of my favorite things to do!
5.) You need your own time away. Go to the gym, coffee dates with friends, date nights.
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I personally don't ascribe to the "have you had your hormones checked?" school of libido problem solving but if I don't say it, someone else will so let's just get that out of the way: sure, go get your hormones checked. (Odds are, they'll be normal).
What's missing from your post is what may have changed from:
>I used to love dressing up or giving him surprise BJ’s
to
>but I’m just not feeling it now.
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This is pretty common for women in long term relationships. Instead of being spontaneously aroused, you are now more likely "responsively aroused". Meaning instead of thinking about sex and desiring sex randomly, your desire starts when the action starts. This is because women's desire usually drives from a story being played out. Once the build up & excitement of the relationship becomes "happily ever after", the story is over and the drive isn't there as much, if at all. Do you find that you do get into it & aroused when the foreplay and sex is actually happening? Then this pertains to you. If this is the case, you should keep having sex! Don't let the relationship dry up. Things u can do to help- read erotica, watch porn if you're into that, take baths, put on oils, don't masturbate much because it's easier, keep that desire building!
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> I prefer to just take care of myself to be honest.
Masturbate but without going all the way to orgasm. Then you'll be more readily turned on later. So whatever kind of routine you have for taking care of yourself, try that but without completing.
Or play with yourself, and then once you're really turned on, then go grab him to go at it. That way you're definitely aroused and ready to go, vs. a situation where you decide to have sex with him, but then when you get in bed and you're not feeling it and it's not fun or hard to get aroused.
Instead, don't tell him about it, so there's no pressure, go take a relaxing bath or get some alone time, play with yourself, and if you get fully aroused and ready to go...Time to go get him. If it doesn't happen and you can't get fully aroused, no big deal, just keep going about your day, he has no idea, and there's no pressure on you to have to do it right now.
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What are the pros and cons of 3some with a couple vs not with one?
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sexover30
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skatey
| 5 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.73 | true |
Don't let anyone talk you into this. Personally, I'm a fan, my wife and I have done numerous 3some and other group activities. What makes it fun is having all the players actually wanting to be there and have fun. I'd never want a 3some with someone that was there for me and just tolerating my wife being there also.
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During my twenties and thirties I was polyamorous. I had threesomes and foursomes, in different combinations with FWB's and a live-GF. The foursome was with another couple. All these experiences were fun and enlightening.
One has to put jealousy aside and not analyze things too much. You will only know if you are comfortable when you try, and it may not work out the first time, but keep trying until you either feel comfortable with it, and if you don't, move on to something else.
Presently I am in a triad with my wife and our GF. This has been going on since 2015 as friends and now we live together in the same house. Life is not all about sex, but it helps to separate the sex from other things. Living together is one thing, just seeing each other for threesomes is another.
All successful relationships are built on trust, friendship, respect, consent, and above all, open communication. If the chemistry is right you can look forward to a lot of fun and pleasant experiences. If a couple is involved, they likely will remain a couple, no matter how many partners they have.
Don't overthink this, just jump in and see if you swim!
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In answer to your query, I’ve been in plenty of three, four and more somes over many years and I can say that when it’s couples that are involved, the sex is considerably better because there is a trust factor. It gets even better when it’s the same couples over time.
Situations where people don’t know each other tend to be a lot like one night stands where the sex can be hit or miss but more often is just meh.
All of the above said, I think you should trust your gut on this. And if I read you correctly, you’re not on board. Perhaps it’s time to find another FWB. You found him before, didn’t you?
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Have you met/talked to her? Maybe a convo with all three involved will put your mind at ease
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> I just have a bad feeling about a threesome with a couple where the guy used to be my sex buddy for a while
So after all he wasnt just a sex buddy, right??
I think you have feelings for him which is ok.
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I like watching the sex videos my wife and I make. Are there issues with this?
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sexover30
|
sf0ha6
| 81 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.79 | true |
It sounds like both of you have some sexual anxiety and are overly stressed about stuff that is normal. It's normal for women to touch themselves to cum during PIV and makes the orgasms feel more intense. Why are hands-free orgasms a goal?
Some men have trouble cumming during sex, especially when having sex as frequently as you do. This is also normal and nothing to worry about. It's normal to fantasise during sex, especially when close to orgasm.
I think you'd both enjoy sex more if you just accepted the way you do it, instead of worrying that you should be doing it differently.
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What's the point of making them if you're not going to watch and enjoy them?
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Consider this: when you were thirteen years old, probably all you wanted and could think about was the naked female form.
You couldn’t ***wait*** to see a naked woman in all three of our spacial dimensions (I.e. not a magazine or television screen). You probably desired little to nothing more than to touch a boob.
Remember that. Recall that feeling. Then try looking at her through the eyes of your younger self. Live in the moment.
Ain’t nothing wrong — that I know as a dumbass — with looking at porn of your wife. It’s healthier than looking at mainstream porn. But, try living in the moment and just enjoy her like you would if you were a 13-year-old kid looking at her for the first time.
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Hey there, professional sex coach here. Congrats on the new family member!
It's pretty common for the stress of a baby to impact erection and orgasm. Did these issues exist before the baby? If so, have they gotten worse since?
It does sound like you've developed a habit of leaning on the videos as a sort of mental assist for arousal. This is a habit that can be un-learned, fortunately. Try cutting back on using the videos, and if you can pair it with a couple weeks of no masturbation. This can help re-train your brain to also find the acts you've filmed arousing, not just recording and watching them.
You also may want to find a way to reassure your wife that she is, indeed, sexy and inspires desire all on her own. Eight months into baby life can be a really hard time to feel sexy!
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Most women don' t cum from PIV alone.
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How to make my partner feel wanted when I don’t feel it?
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sexover30
|
s3nswl
| 76 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.91 | true |
This isn't just about what he wants, but what you want. OF COURSE you're not going to be in the mood if your needs aren't even being acknowledged.
Time is long overdue to have a sit down conversation about what revs each of your motors and what turns them off. It's not about attacking each other for what has happened, but what you both can do better. How is he about conversations like this? Does he gets flooded and overwhelmed? If so, you might need some additional assistance, either from a therapist or articles on how to communicate better. If he's able to listen without freaking out, then something like "You know what would be really sexy for me? If we did [insert thing]" as a start would be good. But I don't get the feeling either of you are ready for that.
So listen to each other. Really listen and figure out what makes you each feel desired. You sound like you need to be admired. That's great, I need that too. But I told my partner that, and he's happy to oblige by ogling me when he gets the chance. What does your boyfriend need? If you can't answer that, start there.
Also, this has to be something you both work on together. Just one of you propping this relationship up will cause resentment, unhappiness and eventual failure.
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You need space and time to desire each other and not just one or both of you having orgasms.
4-5x a week directly from sleep gives you no time for foreplay, aftercare or - heck, the way you two do it, there’s not even any eye contact or kissing.
I think you’re both craving intimacy and the desire of the other. I really would tell him you want a sex hiatus and to focus on all the other aspects that come before PIV. Make a plan to get in bed once or twice a week and just talk and play, naked, and no penetrative sex. It could lead to a lot of honest conversations about what you want and fun sexual exploration.
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Having sex with someone who's not into it isn't lovemaking. It's masturbating with someone else's body.
Getting better at faking is not going to work. No amount of feigned enthusiasm is going to mask the fatigue and annoyance you feel from being woken up.
The correct course of action is to make lovemaking better for you even if that means reducing frequency. If it's lost on him that waking you up for sex doesn't result in fulfilling experiences then you probably shouldn't be with him.
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Someone I know had sex taken off the table due to a physical issue with his partner. It brought to light sex was the only place they connected.
I realize this isn't what you're asking but a more important question for you to ponder is what kind of relationship you have with this man beyond his nighttime sex urges. I think you'll find the underlying reason why you struggle to initiate. Is this the kind of "fulfilling" relationship that you're going to choose for yourself?
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Dang not only does he use you as a human flashlight he wakes you up to do it? You need to think about how long you’ll be up to accommodating him like that. And why you are concerned with his needs and not your own.
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Chronic Pain & Trauma Healing?
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sexover30
|
s2kli5
| 26 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.9 | true |
[deleted]
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[deleted]
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What issues are you having?
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Is sex painful for your partner? Is your partner unable to get sexually aroused due to pain?
| null |
Advice for talking about sex / past partners with a man who has some insecurities?
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sexover30
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s1u1zs
| 26 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.87 | true |
Oh brother. For this to be a problem for a 41 year-old guy is Not Great and also maybe part of the reason he's not with someone his own age. You gotta nip that misogynistic Eeyore shit in the bud. Pussyfooting (as it were) around the subject doesn't work, so you've got to give it to him with both barrels so he knows you're not just sparing his feelings or being nice.
"Jimothy, do you have a problem with my vagina or do you just think I'm a liar? Because to me it sounds like it has to be one or the other and neither of them is okay with me.
If you can't handle the idea that I've been with other people, say so, but implying I've been stretched out is both wildly inaccurate and wildly insulting and it's going to stop right now. You can feel how you want about your own body, but don't put your insecurities on me.
More importantly, if you can't believe me when I say I'm very satisfied with the sex we're having, then you don't think I'm a truthful person and if that's the case we need to revisit what that means to our relationship, because I can't stop you from hurting your own feelings, but I can stop you from hurting mine."
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As /u/Perfect_Judge has said, these sort of comments and issues coming from a 41 year old man is concerning, but it sounds like something in his past has caused him to feel inadequate. Possibly a comment from a girlfriend, or locker room comparisons, or he simply watches too much porn with big dicks in it - that would also explain his fixation on his girl being “stretched out” by another man. Equally he may feel insecure because you’re almost 10 years younger than him and your exes, presumably, are also comparatively filled with youthful vigour and he worries about his performance. Is he mature and grown-up in every other aspect of his life and your relationship?
Either way, you have handled this magnificently and maturely: you have gently reassured him in the most positive terms. This insecurity is *his* issue and one which only *he* can address. You have done your part in reassuring him - continue to do so if and when he mentions it again. Hopefully in time he will learn to accept what you say and get over his insecurity. But if he keeps on fixating on it and bringing it up, and this starts to becomes a wider issue (i.e. him worrying that your exes lasted longer or made you orgasm more or were into kinkier things) you may have a problem on your hands.
Hopefully this is a minor thing caused by a previous relationship which he can overcome with the help of your reassurance. But if he cannot, and if it starts to become a real issue, remember that this is still a very new relationship. Dating is about assessing long-term compatibility, and it is possible that you have discovered something which makes you incompatible. Good luck.
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To be quite honest, I am a bit perplexed at a 41 year old man being stuck on a vagina getting "stretched out" from sex. The lack of what I consider to be basic knowledge, is worrisome.
If I were you, I'd tell him straightforwardly, and as tactfully as possible, that this type of conversation is unproductive. There's really no need to discuss past partners. He doesn't want to hear it and cannot handle it.
He can either accept that you have a sexual past, as you accept his, or he can't and you move on. I am sympathetic to people having insecurities, but to be blunt -- this is going to harm your relationship eventually.
You can't keep telling him how satisfied you are with his dick and your sex life and have him be convinced of your vagina being "stretched out" by bigger dicks and being inconsolable about it. That will wear you down.
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You are right that this isn't about you. This is his problem to solve and therapy is a good start. It is encouraging that he's willing to work on his issue. I come at this from the pov of someone with OCD and retroactive jealousy. You may want to explore that a little to see if any of it fits. In short, talking about the past benefits no one. Therapy is key. Medication may also help.
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If I were you, I would avoid talking about other partners with him. Focus on the relationship between the two of you, and leave past partners in the past.
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How to explore sex in marriage with my wife?
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sexover30
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rm8cgv
| 24 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.81 | true |
It's really hard to offer sound advice here because of all generalities in your post. So, I'll just say that discussing your desires with you wife shouldn't be a scary thing. You are now married to each other, that's a level of commitment that neither of you have had previously, so hopefully there is some comfort in that. If you express a desire to explore something that might be slightly out of her boundaries, maybe she'd be willing to offer a slightly different version that's she's comfortable with.
Honesty is always the best policy, you don't want to end up resenting each other somewhere down the road for things left unsaid. Good luck.
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There are fetish quizzes you can take online as a couple. You will only know about the things you both would like to try. Mojoupgrade.com being the most known I think.
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Check out an app called spicer. Start slow. Maybe just flirty texts. Communicate without blaming or whining.
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Try and download sex game see if that spice up
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Some consider porn cheating and some do not. It would allow you to explore your fantasies without anyone else.
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Can’t finish with new partner
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sexover30
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rjxjri
| 73 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.93 | true |
Gotta adjust the independent variable just to uhhh be sure what’s causal
But seriously give it some time. Traumatic or problematic relationships can really fuck with the sensual mind
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Sounds to me like it's a psychological hang up. You probably just need to go with the flow until you're more relaxed with her. Maybe focus on making sure she has a good time, and not worry about whether you get off. My guess is it won't be very long before your problem corrects itself.
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Yep, all of the above. And remember that sex in 40+ can be a little different and if possible, focus less on the "finish" and enjoy the amazing ride.
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I just went through this. It’s normal. Jerk off less. Watch less porn. Visit your doctor for a viagra prescription. Be patient with yourself and give it time. Everything will work itself out.
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Happened to me after an 11 year marriage. Took a few weeks of trying. Luckily, the lady I was with was very understanding.
Once it finally happened, WOAH!
My point is that others have been there and, from my point of view, it's normal. Just relax and don't put pressure on yourself. It'll happen.
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"That's Gross!" How to Cope When Your Partner Is Deeply Disgusted by Normal Sexual Activities
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sexover30
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ko5jtn
| 449 |
Article
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
Thank you for this. It really rings true for me. I plan to review all of your links. Please add saliva to the list of taboo secretions.
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What do you think is going on when a partner goes from: (with a twinkle in their eye) "you're so naughty" to "eww gross!" to the same act over the course of a relationship?
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Your missing a key opponent here which is trauma. There is other reasons people feel disgust. Say your partner has an aversion to giving oral because of childhood sexual abuse.
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This was a great read, thanks!
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Great read but I have an example that does not quite fit the theory. Liver. I grew up in a family that loves liver, yet there is no possible way I could swallow even the best prepared liver while under threat of execution without vomiting. Just the thought brings up a gag reflex. While I do think that everyone else should feel the same, and that those who like liver are somehow wrong so that part fits.
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Wife asked whether I fantasize about other women. Told her the truth. Didn't go well.
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sexover30
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krrnam
| 369 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
Marriage counselIng.
Fantasizing about other folks is pretty universal. You're married, not dead.
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Well that was a rookie mistake on both sides.
She shouldn't ask questions she's not ready to have answered and you're the dummy who didn't have an exit strategy to get out of an obvious trap before you went in.
I'm going to guess since you married at 20, neither of you had much time to sow your wild oats. Nothing to be done about that now, but when both of you have calmed down, you're going to have to have an honest talk.
>Buttercup, you know you're the girl for me. I'm sorry I made you feel like I don't desire you. You drive me crazy and always have. Just yesterday when you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ \[insert something innocuous she was doing, like bending over to pet the dog\] I looked at your ass and thought "my god, she's got a great ass. I would hit that like a screen door in a hurricane."
>
>I'm a human \[do NOT say "man" here, you want to find common ground, not play some boys-will-be-boys trope\] with hormones, of course fantasies pop in my mind. It doesn't mean I want to act on them.
>
>I thought I could tell you that because you'd know they don't mean anything and that you're the only one for me. I'm sorry that it made you feel insecure. The only reason I told you is because I know I can be honest with you and I thought you knew that you've been my number one fantasy since I was 18. \[yes, I know this is probably a lie, but it's a courtesy she'd extend to you, too, so go with it\].
​
So now you know to be extra thoughtful when those questions come up. A lot of it is coming from her insecurity and possibly her fear of missing out on other sexual experiences and guilt about it. Now's not the time to ask that, but just try to do damage control while being honest and kind. And for the love of all that's holy, take care of your woman sexually and emotionally.
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[deleted]
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I would not ask my husband this because I do not want to know the answer! He is awesome to me and what he fantasizes about is none of my business unless he wants it to be.
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[deleted]
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"What Keeps Passion Alive?" – A Study of the Correlates of Sustained Sexual Satisfaction in Long-Term Relationships
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sexover30
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gw9syk
| 313 |
Article
| true | true | 0.99 | true |
I am surprised to learn there was not one area where men reported improvement in satisfaction compared to the first six months.
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This is both very interesting and slightly depressing reading, thank you!
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> Most people said sex had gotten less passionate and less satisfying since the first six months, but among the people who were the most sexually satisfied, women were much more likely than men to say that sex had gotten substantially *better* over time. In fact, a significant minority of women experienced a substantial improvement in sexual satisfaction compared with the first six months, and that was enough to raise the average for women as a whole for certain key items.
This is why I always say that a woman should take advantage of the NRE period to be a bit sexually selfish and insist on having sex that is satisfying for her. The trouble is that women tend to be willing and even eager to have unpleasurable sex during NRE, because they're just happy that to be able to make him happy. But once the novelty wears off, that kind of one-sided sex quickly turns into a chore, at around the same time that the novelty is wearing off for him as well, such that he becomes less attentive and willing to listen and learn.
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One variable I would like to see addressed here is to what degree is the relationship sexually open to outside influences, and to what degree does each partner know about them? For example do one or both partners watch porn or read erotic literature? Do they go to burlesque shows? Do one or both partners have other sexual partners?
I think that for *some* partners, the adrenaline high of novel sexual experience remains important, despite the fact that the oxytocin high of sexual bonding can be powerful. Long term monogamy makes that novelty increasingly difficult to find, but that doesn't mean that partners who value novelty want to abandon the relationship. It puts them in a very difficult place. Allowing for something truly novel can be relationship-affirming *for some*.
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Tldr of the tldr?
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Is it bad to want to feel desired (as a man)?
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sexover30
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fnzecv
| 275 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
Of course men should be desired, and you deserve more than starfish sex.
I tell my guy every time I see him how sexy I think he is. And I don’t “put up” with sex, I am enthusiastic. There is better out there.
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It's an issue that I struggled with myself. Even got married telling myself that it was perfectly fine to have a partner who merely accepted having sex. Spoiler alert - it wasn't fine.
There are women out there who will desire you, who will initiate sex, who will make it perfectly clear that there's nothing they'd rather be doing than having sex with you here in that moment. And it is a world of difference between "yeah okay, sure I guess" and "fuck me RIGHT NOW!" And once you find it, it'll be difficult if not impossible to go back.
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Everyone, regardless of gender, wants to feel wanted and deserves to be with someone who expresses that to them openly and frequently. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t express that sucks. It makes you feel unattractive, even if you know you aren’t. It sucks having people outside of your relationship compliment you or tell you how attractive/sexy you are but not hear it from the only person you want to hear it from. It sucks. And you shouldn’t feel a certain way about needing that. We all should get it from our SO, but some people just don’t know how. And it sucks. So no, don’t feel bad about wanting it.
You could always try the old “does it make you feel nice when I compliment you or tell you how attractive you are to me? Sometimes it would be nice to know that you feel the same way about me” approach. But that doesn’t always work either. But could be worth a shot.
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There's no should. There's just how you feel.
It's absolutely fine and good to want to be desired.
This is very common for men (not that that makes your feelings any more or less valid).
(This is the shitty side \*we\* get - where women get constantly treated like sex objects and evaluated on their desirability, men can get made to feel like we never do, and shouldn't).
Be aware - There can be \*so\* many factors impacting whether our partners feel or express sexual desire. Can be about their libido, our relationship, work stress, their upbringing and social expectations, and so much more. Working on it and working it out in your relationship is srs bsns, that might be best with professional assistance. But start with this - it's absolutely reasonable for you to want to feel wanted.
ONE IMPORTANT CAVEAT - a thing we men are often raised to do is confuse desire for any connection as a desire for sex. It might be worth taking a good look at whether you might be doing this and unawarely putting pressure on your partner or missing not-explicitly-sexual approaches.
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My observations from my life.
If there is a lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability in the relationship, it translates to lack of heat in sex. I think this is WAY bigger than men might realize.
Emotional intimacy would include being able to really say what you’re thinking and feel- even the scary stuff. Not shutting down and brushing things under the rug to keep the peace. Good indicators would be do you have occasional disagreements that you can work out together. And do you have real laughter and play together.
Also, do you make your partner feel desired? There’s such a different energy in “I’m so horny, I’d love to have sex.” Vs. “Baby I want you, come here and let me put my mouth on you.” Do you make it about your need for sex, or your desire for your partner?
Do you make sure to make it fun for her? You have to give what you want to receive. Maker her feel desired for who she is. Pay attention to her body language. If she’s not into it, you shouldn’t be either. Make sure she has an orgasm most of the time. And realize 70% of women do not cum from penetration alone.
And if you started out with passionate sex that fizzled out. I would challenge you both to not have sex together that isn’t enthusiastic on both sides. And work on emotional intimacy. Talk about what happened to the passion and desire.
We love our men and we all have heard that men have a “need” in a different way than women, so often times we’ll lay back and “have sex” that we’re not really into. If it’s very occasional- okay. But if it’s become regular I’m going to say it’s a mistake on both sides. It makes a woman feel like a hole for her man to meet his needs. It builds a slow disinterest in sex, if not outright resentment. And it makes the man feel undesired and unloved by having sex with a willing but unenthusiastic partner.
I lived this. It ended my marriage. My husband thought I hated sex, or that I was actually a lesbian (I’m Bi). I tried to tell him how I felt, but he couldn’t receive it. He was not willing to hold off on sex and rebuild our relationship.
Now I’m in an amazingly passionate relationship- sex is always fun and I always get off. I crave my boyfriend and he knows it. I want him all the time because he makes me feel amazing. He really loves my body and lets it show, he gets off on getting me off, which just makes me want to please him in return. There’s never pressure to have unwanted sex, but it’s also SO good that I never want to turn it down.
Anyhow- it’s something close to my heart. So I maybe wrote too much. But if I can help anyone I would love that.
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Is why I want sex wrong?
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sexover30
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pu1rdo
| 274 |
Question
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
This is a a fantastic post, OP, beautifully written, and some of the replies are spot on.
I'm HL though I don't have your fortune of a loving and long relationship. I discovered Attachment Theory and I'm an over-giving fearful avoidant needing validation through sex because I avoid vulnerability and my needs for emotional intimacy and connection are met, or more like briefly shrouded, through sex. That's why for me it isn't satisfying enough because, well, it's just sex, not emotional attunement outside of the act. Does that strike any chords with you? Your post sounded to me that you are emotionally mature and literate so it might be you need more affection and meaningful depth from your wife. On the other hand it could be that like a lot of men you feel closest to her through physical intimacy.
Your wife sounds lovely btw. She probably has a responsive desire rather than the spontaneous desire type you wish she had for you, and to desire you for you.
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I’m in a shockingly similar place with my wife (married 10yrs, together 20) though I think that I have moved a bit beyond where you’re at mentally, so maybe I can help.
I liken a couples sex life to owning an old exotic sports car. If you’re willing to put in the time and effort, it can be an enjoyable and rewarding experience. If you don’t put in the effort, it will quickly become a broken down piece of scrap metal that makes you sad every time you look at it or think about it.
In my marriage, I’ve become the de facto mechanic. It’s not that my wife doesn’t have similar desires, it’s just that I’ve quietly taken on the role of ensuring our sex life stays healthy. If I were to stop putting in the effort that I do, it’s not that she would be fine with it. She would absolutely not be content with having an unhealthy sex life or dead bedroom scenario. Though she hasn’t said these exact words, 20 years together means I know that she relys on my libido to ensure we stay in a good place.
I’m ok with this. It’s taken some time, but I’ve accepted my role. I’ve accepted that it means that I’m usually the one to initiate. I’ve accepted that I will get turned down far more than I turn her down. I’ve accepted that I’m the one to initiate the random moments of affection.
Once I moved passed my need for validation through sex, I was able to simply accept my role in our sex life. And that’s what it is. If you’re like me, then it’s not that you’re being selfish, you’re simply doing your part to ensure that yours and her sex life stays healthy. It’s the same as you being the one to fix the plumbing or change the lightbulbs. In a partnership, each partner has a role to play. If your wife is like mine, I’m sure there’s things she takes the lead on, even if it means you both enjoy the fruits of her effort.
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I'm going to whisper it here because you mentioned in a reply to someone you're bad at receiving and asking for what you need = fearful avoidant traits. We are over-givers and I discovered that trait amounts to control and hoping to receive (not about just sex) at least sometimes. Which is why we're hurt when our loved ones don't recognise how much we give. My ex was selfish. He would phrase a question "do you want me to do anything for you?" and I'd freeze up thinking oh crap, he doesn't want to do anything so I can't ask him. I realised I craved him to instead rephrase that to "I really want to ___" but he never did, not once in 3 years. So I went without because I couldn't ask him. It wasn't just about sex - even a cup of tea or his turn to drive or buy lunch, if only he'd phrased it from "do you want" instead to "I'm going to ___" or "its my turn to___". Sigh. Google Thais Gibson's vid The Fearful Avoidant And Sex.
Edit don't know how italics appeared
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So, I was involved in that other thread you mentioned, and you’ve asked some really great questions here and seem very open to hearing different views. That’s a credit to you. You seem like a good guy. You care about your wife and your kid, you think about things, you want things to be better. That’s great and I genuinely commend you for it.
I will say that you’ve got it pretty good. Check out /r/deadbedrooms if you want to see how bad some people have it. Like you, I’m a guy in my late 30s with a 4 year old kid (plus another under 1) and my wife and I aren’t at 2-3 times a week like you are. Maybe 1-2 times a week, maybe less. But that’s still a hell of a lot better than some. We’re lucky, you and I, in comparison.
But I do understand what you mean about wanting *more*, about it never being *enough*. Even after my wife and I have sex, and she tells me it was great, I say: *”Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready for round two.”* I’m mostly kidding, partly not. But to her it seems like I’m never satisfied.
It’s like that post from /u/myexsparamour I linked in the other thread, the one you’ve linked here. You need to examine what sex is to you. Is it just the physical, emotional, loving connection between you and your partner? Something fun and playful and enjoyable you do together? Or is it a yardstick by which you measure how desirable you are, how attractive, sexy, loveable, worthwhile?
This is the agony of it all: it is a balancing act. You should need and want your partner, but not so much that you couldn’t live without them. The person she was attracted to at the start of your relationship was an independent, confident, self-assured guy, not someone who needed sex and intimacy to validate their worth. You need to be that guy again.
And as for understanding your wife better, I would recommend you read *Come As You Are*. The theory is that some people (mostly men) have ‘spontaneous desire’, i.e. they’re horny all the time, whereas some people (mostly women) have ‘responsive desire’, i.e. they get just as horny but only in response to a stimulus. So once you get going, your wife is totally into it and enjoys herself. But she’s unlikely to spontaneously express her desire or start something. It’s just how it is sometimes.
In summary, what you’re experiencing and feeling is totally normal. It is what happens when you have been with someone a long time and reach our stage of life. But I’ll say it again: you have a wife you love that you have sex with 2-3 times a week. That’s a pretty good place to be. The key now is to find a way to be happy with that.
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[deleted]
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Are we traumatizing our kids?
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sexover30
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p7g188
| 232 |
Question
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
As a teenager my bedroom was next to my parents' room. I heard them having sex two or three times a week. Frankly, I didn't mind, and I was just glad for them that they seemed to still be enjoying each other's company after many years of marriage.
The only time I was a bit freaked out was when I went out for a bike ride with some friends one Saturday afternoon; I'd forgotten my water bottle, so rather than carrying on the ride and getting dangerously dehydrated, I came back home to pick it up. I went into the kitchen to fill my water bottle, only to find mother sitting on the kitchen counter wearing a red silk kimono and my father standing there buck-naked. I apologised, filled my bottle up from the bathroom sink, and got out of there. We never spoke of it again.
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We have sex nightly. Our teenager knows. Sometimes she gives us shit about it. We all have a good laugh.
When she has friends spend the night, they sleep in the play room (furthest room away from the master) and she specifically requests that we take the night off (jokingly).
I think modeling a healthy, loving, physically intimate relationship between two loving individuals is great parenting.
As my husband says, “I refuse to do the walk of shame in our own house.” 🤣
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What I’ve always heard, and believe, is that it’s healthy for kids to know their parents love each other and that they have a fun physical relationship.
I think it starts becoming a problem when they can hear what kind of sex your having. For example, it’s fine if they know you have sex, it’s traumatizing if they know daddy likes being pegged and mommy’s into being choked.
Your kids are old enough to know what sex is and that people in loving adult relationships have sex. Do they know y’all are getting it on every night? Who knows, but I think as long as your conscious of keeping it down you should be fine.
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As much as I HATED hearing my parents as a teenager I did also know it was normal. They didn't try to be loud or anything. Certain sounds travel. I did give my parents a hard time occasionally like when my siblings and I returned from a weekend at the grandparents and I found a condom wrapper on the entertainment center. Lol
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Better fucking than fighting.
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Sex is great, but sometimes it's the cuddles afterwards that are better. Agree?
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sexover30
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9o8epz
| 210 | null | true | true | 0.89 | true |
Yes, the pillow talk too. When you’re laying in bed and talking about random things but laughing and cuddling together completely and totally happy. ☺️
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[deleted]
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Mmmm, my guy always tells me the cuddles are my favourite part. But the cuddles wouldn't be so amazing if the sex beforehand hadn't been so incredible. Fantastic sex leads to amazing cuddles.
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I love sex, but it feels incomplete for me without the after snuggles. It can't be great sex if there are no snuggles after. Pillow talk is also very hot, the stuff between rounds. Even if it's casual. The only time I'm not interested is if the guy is...boring? Not very good in bed to begin with? I dunno. But that's not going anywhere, obviously. And usually that indicates I probably shouldn't have slept with him in the first place. If we can't have good after sex time, I made a mistake in judgment.
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Love this. Every partner I’ve ever had has either hated non-sexual touch or withheld cuddling because they didn’t want me getting attached. Idk why but I started to assume everyone was like that.
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I've kept track of all of my sexual encounters (married) for three years. Here's the data!
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sexover30
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elezht
| 206 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.9 | true |
I've been keeping track for a little over a year, using the Nice App, on iOS. I don't really track orgasms though, so those numbers will be off.
I'm 40, wife is 34. 2 kids at home
[Nice App](https://imgur.com/a/pg7peZZ)
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r/dataisbeautiful
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I started tracking 2 and half yrs ago. My number per month is about the same.
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Your 2020 statistics suck, man
(I wouldn’t have ever imagined anyone tracking this, let alone sharing it. I clearly haven’t lived enough 😂)
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Good for you buddy! We dont have kids and havent sex in 3 months so at least someone is getting some!
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No underwear under dress for date?
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sexover30
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oclflu
| 192 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
My wife won't tell me right away. She'll put the underwear in her purse. When I walk around to open the door for her, she'll turn and give me a peek. Even after 15yrs together, it's HOT! Gets me every time.
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I suggest not telling him for sure until you're getting into/out of the car. Make him hold the door and give him a peek.
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My favorite is when she takes my hand and let’s my fingers discover that she’s not wearing underwear. It’s easy to do in the car if his arm is long enough to reach over to you.
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Here’s an idea, OP.
Wear what you’d like, without any underwear on.
Bring along a pair a sexy panties/thong in your purse/panties.
Find a way to slip the panties to him at sometime during the date. You could hold it in your hand, then slip it to him while holding his hand. Or pull it out of your purse and lay it on his lap while having drinks.
It’s just a strong clue that they aren’t on you.
Happy Teasing, OP!
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My wife take them off when we are into the night. She’ll head to the bathroom and return to discreetly hand me her panties.
Gets me every time.
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Is lack of cuddling and non-sexual intimacy as well as foreplay a deal breaker for you?
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sexover30
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ja7uff
| 172 |
Question
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
Yes, affection, attention, and intimacy are very important to most relationships. Felling wanted and appreciated in a relationship are important too. I miss all of that.
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[deleted]
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My ex was not affectionate at all (and had little interest in sex more than the occasional five minute romp). Some people are just like that. My mom is also not a traditionally affectionate person. I’m actually just now in the first relationship I’ve been in that involves a lot of affection and it’s taken some time to acclimate to it (but I’ve found it rather enjoyable). Now I don’t know if I would like a relationship without it
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>He is unwilling to change. Is this common?
No, it's not common in my experience. Just about every man I've had sex with was just as into cuddling and foreplay as sex, at least since I was in my early 20s.
Was he always like this, or did he stop wanting to cuddle when your relationship ran into trouble?
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My wife and I (40+) have been together for nearly 20 years. While we have always had a great sex life, for much of our relationship, I failed miserably at cuddling and establishing a physical conection outside of sex - except maybe grabbing or smacking her butt. While I was saying a lot of the right things - how much I loved her, how beautiful she was, etc - I failed to realize that wasn't her love language. What she really needed from me was my attention, my presence, and my physical touch outside of sex. It came really close to breaking our relationship. Eventually, due to some major relationship stressors, I realized how much I had failed at showing her how much I loved her in a way she would understand. Now, I sleep through much of the night with my arms wrapped around her. We hold hands or I touch her arm while watching TV. Sometimes, I lay my head on her or pull her onto my lap to hold her. Admittedly, I had to consciously make myself do those things early on, but eventually it became natural. Now, I crave that form of affection too. People can change - even in their 40s.
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Am I weird for liking/wanting distracted sex?
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sexover30
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du391m
| 174 |
Question
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
[deleted]
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[/r/BorednIgnored](https://www.reddit.com/r/BorednIgnored/top/?t=all)
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Sometimes a kink is just a kink. I wouldn't read too much into it.
What I see at play here is the desire for your partner to want to use you for sex, to be lustful for her own sake and not yours. This is quite a common thing. In your variation, she's just being efficient in doing a few things at once - and you're still getting something also.
Yes, there's times where I'd love it if she just enjoyed herself without feeling the need to acknowledge me. In my case, its because I feel that she's normally only doing it just to make sure I'm happy or feels some kind of pity because we haven't done it in a while. I don't want to feel like just another chore she needs to check off her list.
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Yes, you are weird. Also, everyone is weird.
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There is no weird in my book If you and your wife like it , go for it
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What is a kink you were worried about admitting to your SO?
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sexover30
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bntbry
| 175 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
Honestly, the thing I'm most worried about admitting is my compete *lack* of kinks. I hate that I have to feel self-conscious about being so "vanilla."
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MFM threesome is the kink I was afraid to admit to. To me, that just seems like it would be a huge turn-off to many men. But my partner gently encouraged me to open up about it, and then we had some of the most fun of my life role-playing it with a couple of suction-cup dildos. Hottest thing ever. He is fucking amazing and it honestly seemed like he enjoyed it as much as I did.
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I used to be reticent about it (spanking) but as I got older it bothered me less. I'll mention it as soon as sex is mentioned. Hell, even my close friends know it, one of them even introducing me to an acquaintance with "This is grrlbitesdog, she's into spanking, just like you."
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Facesitting. I love to be smothered... And preferably BEFORE she takes a shower. I don't want her to be "dirty" if you know what I mean, but a little bit of sweat never hurt anyone. LOL.
Seriously, something about the smell is so raw and sexual to me. And I found it hard to admit that at first.
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I would like to share that I want to be pegged by my wife but have not shared it.
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How do I have Casual sex? looking for advice on how to go about this.
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sexover30
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jh7ixo
| 163 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.92 | true |
I would definitely meet first. Treat it like a first date for coffee or a couple of drinks. I would not just go to someone’s house. Hell, I’m a 41M large man and I won’t go to someone’s home before meeting them.
Tell the person via chat or a phone call what you are looking for. Saying something like “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”.
Do you know what you want out of a FWB situation? Casual fun dates followed by sex? Purely sexual encounters? Mixture of the two? How often? You host or they do? Think through how you see your ideal situation working and then communicate that.
Don’t expect every guy to be down, but I bet most will.
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just treat your match like a normal date. and if there's physical attraction, go home with him/her. I wouldn't state that you're looking for a FWB right off the bat. attracts the wrong kind of people.
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The most important thing is that you know what you want out of this arrangement and that you are able to have mature conversations with potential partners about the arrangement. Work out the awkward stuff up front and decide how things are gonna go! Are you staying after or not? How's that chemistry feel? Work out boundaries (anal is off the table, oral is a big deal, etc).
Personally I always meet someone for no sex first. In public. Get a feel for chemistry. You can politely decline and walk away if it doesn't feel right.
Own your inexperiences. Use the time to learn more about what you like!
Get tested before you head out so that you can have an honest conversation about your sexual health, and you are educated enough to have a discussion about sexual health with potential partners. Require very recent test results before any play.
Respect yourself, know yourself, and have fun exploring!
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I agree with most of what's already been said- meet first in public, you don't have to rush it, get a feel for the type of person before you get naked. But I'd add: anyone who isnt okay with letting you get comfortable with who they are before you get naked- isnt gonna be fun in bed anyway.
I did the casual thing in my 20s and it can be just what you need to round out an otherwise full life. BUT- the guys who were just looking to get their dick wet were not ever any good. Likely because if they're not interested in a repeat performance why would they try? I found my best experiences were with people who were good people, people I would be friends with in another setting who just had the same wants as me. And I found people who became FWB essentially for a time.
It's always better to play with a partner who knows your body, so even casual sex gets better when you're playing with the same friends over and over. That isnt a relationship. I looked at it the same way I view getting my car's oil changed- necessary service. Mutually beneficial. But I want to be confident that my mechanic will get the job done.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want/need. And that includes whatever situation is right for you. End of the day- if you play by someone else's rules you'll likely end up not having casual sex because the effort isnt worth it.
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Condoms - always. If a guy tries to talk you into not using them, get up and leave immediately.
Absolutely meet in public!!! They may have used someone else’s photos. You might grab a coffee and hear them be casually racist or something else that’s horrific. You can’t sleep with that! And for a million other reasons, meet in public. They may have a funny smell or you just don’t feel it. That can be easily handled in public vs a stranger’s apartment.
You want to get a gut feel for them. Is this someone who is going to respect your boundaries if you say no to something they want in bed.
You might want to consider waiting until a second date or public meeting. If a guy can’t be bothered to meet you twice for coffee or a beer, how considerate of a lover is he going to be?
You’re very insecure. Another reason you need to vet. You need to find someone that you can be comfortable with in bed. To get comfortable, you have to communicate and be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, you have to have some kind of connection.
It might sound like I’m talking about a relationship. I’m not. Good FWBs take communication too!
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"Romance" in the context of a blowjob?
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sexover30
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ngod0w
| 168 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
holding his hand, looking up, going slow, kissing his body, etc. I think grabbing his hand while you're going down is the sweetest move.
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There are so many different kinds of blowjobs.
There’s the - I’m on my period but let me help him out real quick even though I want to watch Netflix.
Or the aggressive little slut who is bobbing up and down while his hand is pushing her head.
There’s the two minute, sloppy, a little drunk, pre-sex foreplay.
There’s the guy you just started dating who is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy but expects a blow job, so you feel obligated.
And then there’s the blowjob that I love to replay in my mind.... the guy was about to put the condom on and I stopped him to suck him a bit. And he got so into it that I spent the next 20 minutes enjoying every bit of him, his groans, the way he would gently push my hair from my face to get a better view, the way we’d lock eyes and time would stand still for a moment. Like I knew I had his full, undivided attention and I felt like I was his. That’s the closest to romance with a beej I’ve gotten but I’d say it counts.
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My BF likes to hold hands while I give him blowjobs — he says it’s more intimate. I think it’s sweet.
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Conversely, why wouldn't it be romantic?
Seriously, there's quite a bit of trust for someone to be down there in a place that's not protected very well and is fairly delicate. I mean, sure, it could be viewed as duty sex for some people. For others, it's just...fuck, I love being down here. Your scent. Your taste. My God, you're amazing and I love every part of you.
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Penis in mouth is just one small part of a blowjob, IMO
Licking, caressing, playing with the balls, inner thighs, all the sensitive areas. That is romantic. To show your partner that you have studied them and know where their sensitive areas are and that you want to stimulate them everywhere to give the most pleasure.
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Blunt force trauma incident. Will I ever be the same again?
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sexover30
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l5xe0y
| 162 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.94 | true |
If any urologist literally laughed at a medical condition, you need to focus your anger on reporting those assholes to your local medical board. Seriously. Not cool.
Found a prescription page with a lot of good information. Holy heck, 10% of men have this? Even more reason to report those asshats to the board.
NSFW warning, penis diagrams:
https://peyronies-disease.xiaflex.com/patient/penile-curvature-peyronies-disease/?gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIja7o8f677gIVjwytBh0BagmTEAAYASAAEgLxtfD_BwE#cause
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[deleted]
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> He tells me I have Peyronie’s but what’s unusual is that my case was caused from blunt force trauma, whereas it’s usually a genetic thing that people are born with
the (German) wikipedia page says that the most probable cause is micro trauma (of Tunica albuginea) so exactly what you had. Its treatment section is also a bit more extensive than the english one so you might wanna run that through deepl. Maybe change your Urologist again. Finding the right medical treatment is a gamble...
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This doesn’t help with the immediate issue, but I wonder if prostate massage might be something that you could incorporate into your sexual life now. Although you could still have some pain from the erection, with the stimulation not being on your penis, I wonder if it might be bearable?
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Hey man, sorry to hear about your fella.
I wanted to ask though, was it her clenching that actually caused all this? Or did it aggravate something from the past?
My partner does it and its awesome, but i dont feel like she has the strength to actually hurt me..is she just not that strong in that sense or what? Im sorry i cant help you with any advice bit perhaps you can save other blokes from a squished dick
Best of luck to you cobber and i hope you're back on track in no time !
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Do you communicate everything with your partner?
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sexover30
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kxhm3h
| 150 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.98 | true |
It's considered a fairly standard cliche that women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved. This may not apply to every person in every situation, but I am surprised she reacted the way she did here.
Is she not attracted to you because of your weight, or is it simply that you crush her when you're on top? If it's the latter, there are plenty of other positions that won't put your weight on her. There are also lots of non-PIV ways to have sex. If it's the former, than that's a whole separate discussion.
For your own health, you should definitely try to lose some weight. But her support will make that process a lot easier. If she loves you, this should be pretty easy to understand.
I don't think you did anything wrong here. Being honest is better than bottling it up and building resentment (assuming you weren't being a jerk about how you expressed it). Hopefully, she will get over her hurt feelings and you can have a discussion about the way forward.
Good luck!
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I don’t think there was anything wrong with sharing that with her, and that in fact it was the right thing to do. It may make her feel bad, but it’s just a fact that for you - and many others - sex can help you to feel connected. And she asked.
If I might make a suggestion, you guys could sit down and make a list of things that make you feel loved/connected (such as looking at your love languages, if you want). Taking lots of small steps through the day to make you both feel connected can be helpful, and might both lead to more sex and/or make you feel more loved despite not having as much sex as you want. Just a quick thing we picked up in therapy for similar issues that was helpful (for free!).
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>Recently my partner noticed that I wasn't well emotionally and asked what was going on. I let her know that making love helpd me feel loved.
There's nothing wrong with communicating your needs and situation. You said something profoundly true and it's good for her to hear those things *even if she can't address them at any given moment*. The fact that she reacted as strongly as she did means she heard you.
>I love my partner and don't want to make her cry like I did recently.
Sometimes people cry. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it gives you an opportunity to validate her feelings, as you did, and cement the bonds of emotional intimacy. Also, tears are a literal painkiller so they may be helpful to her.
It sounds like you're going through a difficult time as a team, as you note, which, in a world where things are very hard sometimes, is the best case scenario.
It sounds like you're an unusually gifted communicator. I don't think you should shut that down.
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I don't think there was anything wrong with being honest. Not sure exactly why she took that so personally either. If anything I'd be more hurt by what she said to you. Regardless, I'd try to get on the same page about how often you'd both like to have sex and see if her max is at your min. Otherwise one of you (most likely you), is going to be left feeling unloved. That could end up being a major incompatibility. Signed, someone who's been there.
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Sounds like she cares about how you feel and it broke her heart to hear. To me this sounds like a pretty solid partner who loves you. When you love someone, you can be crushed when you hear they are hurting. She didn’t know how severely you’re hurting. Work with her, this is a good one.
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Should I be honest about fantasies that don't include my husband?
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sexover30
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czzg5i
| 150 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.94 | true |
Some people ONLY fantasize about things they actually aspire to do or wish they could do in reality. A portion of those people will interpret your fantasies as things you want to do, even if you clearly state otherwise. It just doesn't make sense to them that some people get off to ideas that don't necessarily represent real life desires. So I would first ask him if his interest in your fantasies is more about knowing your real life DESIRES or about just getting to know your mind and the ideas you find sexually stimulating, regardless of whether you ever want to do those things in real life.
Of course, you aren't at all obligated to share your fantasies if you don't want to, but it would help to know why he's asking.
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Everyone is being way too black and white.
I think you should talk to him first. Set expectations. "Would you want to know if the fantasies were things I wouldn't consider doing in real life? Would you want to know if I fantasied about others?" Even better "are there things you don't want to know?"
Sometimes it's hard to know what information would make us feel insecure or not be great to know. But, it's best to try to find that line before it's accidentally crossed.
This could be great, it could be difficult. I wouldn't listen to the responses I read saying you definitely should or shouldn't.
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Depends :) I always take the worst true instead of sweetest lie. My wife is absolutely closed regarding sex life. She won't tell me NOTHING unless asked directly, and once we made mojo upgrade test i know her answers are not fully honest (or she lied in test).
​
Anyway, since fantasies are about faceless man, i wouldn't worry so much. And still, these are just fantasies, not all of them should be fulfilled, right?
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You know your husband better than any of us.
What’s your gut reaction? Listen to your intuition.
Sadly, it sounds like your husband may react negatively. And that’s sad!
Nowhere does it say our base attraction to others ends when we marry or date.
And sharing fantasies - involving others - is hot AF.
But it may be too much for your husband.
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Yes, you should. I went through the same thing recently. Wife either has nothing to say or shuts down for one reason or another. The thing that turned me on about it was the idea of learning something about her I didn't know. Something new and exciting. Thought it could bring us closer and spice things up. Personally, I expect it to be fantasies involving others. Tried for a while and it went nowhere so I gave up
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Am I weird for wanting my boyfriend to feel comfortable enough to masturbate/watch porn while I’m in the room?
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sexover30
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9uu66i
| 155 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
You are not wierd at all, as a matter of fact, I think you are a very open-minded, sex-positive young woman. Keep it up! Your BF seems to be more uncomfortable about his sexual needs than you are!
Do not feel bad about him masturbating to porn. Men need thier secret place to do things alone. And no, it is not abnormal at all for a man to masturbate in front of you. I do this often with my partners as do they. I will occasionally masturbate to my wife and cum on her body. We also masturbate each other and it is a form of foreplay for us. We see it as having fun. We also like to watch porn and read erotica to each other. As long as there is consent and no pressure, all is good with sex.
You have confronted him on something he was hiding, so you will need to leave him some time to accept that. Try to maintain a normal communication about all things between you, sexual or otherwise. Show him it does not upset you and express your love for him, that it is okay and you accept him just as he is. To do otherwise will pull your couple apart.
​
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I think you would be in the minority of women who want to hang out and be present while their partner watches porn or masturbates. That, I would say, is different than Mutual Masturbation which is more common. The difference is one is a sex act where both are doing something together and the other is "hey babe I'm gonna watch some hot chicks take it in the butt while I crank one out."
That isn't to say it's bad or wrong, and I've done it before and it was a somewhat weird, but fine, experience. I kind of want to do it again someday.
I think though that masturbation is often a very personal activity. He could have been concerned about any number of things; the porn we like can make us really self conscious, for example. And here, you've sort of given him a mixed message.
You were a little hurt by his porn viewing / masturbation, but asked him to do it in front of you. That can feel kind of like a setup I think. So keep that in mind. If you want to get there, you'll need to talk a lot about it, and preferably not in a situation where either of you starts out feeling vulnerable (like you both did in this situation, you feeling slightly rejected, and him feeling judged/privacy invaded).
I don't think it's selfish for how you feel though.
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Well my wife will drop whatever she’s doing to watch me! Sometimes she joins other times she just stands back and watches. I guess I’m also not very shy lol
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I can't speak for this man, but my husband doesn't want to masturbate in front of me and I dont want to masturbate in front of him. Once in a while, sure, make it a mutual sex act. But a lot of the time I masturbate because I want to "scratch the itch" and not have to have it feel like a performance. If there is another person there, I have to try to look sexy, and masturbate in ways they will like, not just what gets me off. If throws everything off for me.
This could be because I masturbate in what I feel is an "unusual" way, which makes me self conscious about it. Maybe he feels the same. While I get that you want to be there for him, he is a sexual person without you and should be allowed to have private sexual time without having to feel like he is performing for you. Maybe you don't feel that way about masturbating in front of him, which is great. But I think it is important to think of things from his perspective and ultimately respect his boundaries.
If this makes you feel badly, then maybe the two of you arent a good match. There are other people out there that may feel the same as you and want you involved in every sex act. However, I suspect most men will want at least some solo time, without you. If you live together, this time may be while you are awake. As long as it isnt negatively affecting your sex life, it's ok for him to want some solo time.
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You're not wrong for being interested in it, and he's not wrong for not being interested in it.
Masturbation is a weird thing, that often comes with a lot of internalised pressure to be secretive.
I can, and have masturbated in front of my wife - but it is a weird feeling, and not one that I'm super comfortable with. I still enjoy and look forward to solo sessions, regardless of how much excellent sex we have.
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Cuddling in bed?
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sexover30
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jkysr4
| 152 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
We cuddle every night usually. I usually start out as big spoon and eventually flip over and am little spoon. We also cuddle when we watch movies and sometimes when we lay in bed and read. We are both cuddly people.
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My wife and I always go to bed together. If one of us isn't tired, we'll just watch TV while the other falls asleep. And yes, we always cuddle up for a while. We've been married over 14 years and this is just something we've always done. At the end of an especially tough day, it's feels good to have someone just hold you and let you know that no matter what, they're going to be there for you when it's over. Sometimes cuddling lasts for 5 minutes, sometimes it lasts for an hour but we do it every night.
As far as the morning goes, I'm an early riser and I know that she wouldn't me wanting to wake her up at 5:30, although she doesn't mind at all if I just quietly wrap myself around her for a while.
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[deleted]
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We cuddle all the time. After sexy time last night cuddled tight and she passed out and I went downstairs to chill and get tired. I get back to bed around 2:00am and lay down and she spooned me I think automatically or in her sleep. Woke up and cuddled her and then she cuddled me and gave me a morning back scratch. We have been together for 19 years and it has been like this the whole time.
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My wife and are both anti-cuddle. Maybe 1-2 a month we may have a pre-bone cuddle, but otherwise we don’t really partake.
We are also at a stressful point of our life with two very young children and high stress jobs so our personal space is valuable. To each their own, I reckon.
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What are some strategies for talking to my partner about our sex life?
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sexover30
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pt60tn
| 144 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.93 | true |
Other users have given good advice on talking to her. I want to offer my perspective on the 'sex before bed' thing, as this might be the issue. I (F30s) rarely feel like sex at the end of the day after I've had dinner and drinks. That is something my partner (M30s) and I have realized, so instead we pretty much always have sex earlier in the day (early evening usually) when the flirting is happening and we have more energy. This is especially true on special occasions when you might feel pretty bloated after a filling meal. I think this is advice that Dan Savage often gives: have sex BEFORE you go out for dinner.
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I’ve written a similar comment on another post before, but something that helps me out a lot could also help your wife understand how you’re feeling. I like when my husband mentions the connection that comes with sex. Maybe say something along the lines of “I miss the feeling of connecting with you during sex. Can we make love tonight? I want to show you just how much you mean to me.”
For me, it makes the sex more meaningful and that’s what gets my wheels turning. It’s not about the orgasm, it’s about being close with your partner. That being said, if this is a common issue, you should definitely bring it up. You have every right to voice how you’re feeling about your sex life, without condescending, hurtful words of course.
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>My gut feeling is to avoid bringing this up because I feel like I only think about sex. As much as I feel hurt, it seems like talking about it will only make her feel pressured to have sex which is not my goal.
You say your goal is not to make her feel pressured to have sex. What is your goal for this conversation? I think it is really important to think about why you want to talk to her about this incident and what you hope to accomplish.
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Do you ever give her pleasure without expectation of reciprocation?
My least favourite time is bedtime. It feels like another expected chore and I am unlikely to orgasm so it's a duty would resent. I need non-sexual touch for affection not as a prelude to just on his timescale.
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When having difficult conversations in a relationship, about anything, I like to turn to the examples in "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson to understand how to have an honest and vulnerable conversation about something tricky.
For you the night ended with no boning and that was bad, but maybe for her it was good that it ended that way. Maybe she was having some other issues or something. Maybe she was enjoying flirting without it needing to lead to the bedroom, it's called appreciating your partner and sometimes in longer relationships people forget that they need to show appreciation as well as sexual attraction outside of times when they are horny.
Another tip for talking about feelings:
"I want to talk to you about last night. (State your intention to discuss a specific event)
I think we both had a great time flirting all day. (Your impression of what went well)
When we went to bed, I was thinking we would have sex. (Your expectations, stated without judgement)
We didn't, and the story I'm telling myself (this is the key phrase because it puts your mental model on you, not the other person) is that you aren't interested in me sexually anymore (or whatever your underlying insecurity is beyond not getting to bone, since everyone has different reasons for or not wanting to / being able to bone sometimes, and you could always just masturbate if you really needed the sexual release).
Can we talk about what you were thinking when we went to bed, and how you felt the night went? I want to understand where my expectations and reality diverged. (You saying that it is not her problem that you wanted to fuck and she didn't, but rather that you want to understand how to read her desires better, or understand her mental state better in the future. She may have desired to cuddle with you, and that might have been a perfect night in her mind, so approach it as understanding your vs her mindset)."
So yes, talk about it. It is something you are stressed about and your spouse is the one person on the planet you should be able to talk to about anything. But talk about it as a "I'd like to learn about your desires and expectations and mindset" thing not a "why don't you ever want to let me put my dick into you anymore" thing.
👍
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Anyone else have regrets or feel like they missed out?
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sexover30
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o74ltk
| 143 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.9 | true |
Sorry for the wall of text, but I have a lot to say about this topic. TL;DR at the bottom.
Like some others here, I (36M) married my high school sweetheart when we were in our early 20s. Our 13 year anniversary is next week, and we've been together 19 years total.
Our sex life was not great for a long time, for a lot of reasons. These included old faves like hormonal birth control killing her desire and natural post-partum and/or breastfeeding-related downturns when our kids were babies, but also my own very toxic behavior regarding sex, all wrapped in a package of general unhappiness due to financial stress and living in a place that was a very bad fit for us. We fought constantly, fucked rarely, and reached the brink of divorce several times.
Throughout these dark years, I constantly felt like I missed out. It seemed like everyone was having better, more frequent, and more exploratory sex with more enthusiastic partners than I was, and I was bitter as fuck about it. I resented missing out on casual sex in college, in my 20s, on Tinder (which didn't exist until my late 20s/early 30s), you name it.
Things started to gradually improve as our kids grew out of infancy and breastfeeding and as our financial situation improved, but I still felt like I sold myself tragically short by dating my wife throughout college and then marrying her so young (I was 23). I resented her for not being slutty and exploratory with me in bed, for not sending me nudes, etc., etc. Worst of all, I convinced myself that this problem was all on her and that I was doing nothing wrong. I was an ideal husband, after all, because I'm an involved dad, make a good living, do chores around the house, and am decently attractive. What woman wouldn't want to send me nudes and then twist herself into a pretzel for me every night, right?
NOPE, WRONG. It frightens me sometimes how close I came to absolutely wrecking not only my own life, but my wife's and my kids' lives as well. Turns out that constantly badgering my wife about sex and accusing her of not loving me and not being attracted to me, plus insisting that she (like all women, duh) has a secret slutty side that would come out if she hooked up with someone else but that she won't share with me, is *not* the way to foster the feelings of intimacy and trust that *do* lead *some* women to explore their freaky side with to a partner.
Things finally got better for us when we got out of our hometown and moved to a different state. I'd been dying to move away since I was a teenager and I think my wife was worried that it would end in divorce if she didn't agree to the move (I did not threaten her with that or anything else, though we did have some arguments about it before she agreed to go). The change of scenery brought with it a fresh perspective on a lot of things, but especially on our marriage. Turns out she was unhappy in our old state as well, but didn't realize it until she experienced living somewhere else. We stuck together and cooperated to improve our shared life, and it has paid dividends of happiness that I could never have imagined before.
My wife is my best friend and favorite person in the entire world, we're ride or die. We have been together for more of our lives than not. We grew up together, we've traveled the world together, we've experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows that life has to offer, together. Always together. She is an integral, absolutely elemental, part of my identity. I literally wouldn't be me without her. So yeah, I may have missed out on banging some random girls in college or as a single twentysomething, but if I had done those things instead, I would've missed out on the closest, most fulfilling, most loving relationship in my life. I mean, sure, I could've potentially met and married her later in life in some kind of alternate universe, but even then we would've been completely different people when we started. You can't really have it both ways, and I'm beyond happy with my choice. Took me long enough...
TL;DR: Forget about the other side of the fence: the grass is greenest where you water it.
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I think that it's easy to take what you have for granted.
Part of me wishes that I went on a drug fueled world tour of raving and fucking until I had screwed someone from every single continent/country/culture in every possible way before settling down with my wife, who I started dating in my early 20s.
Then when I'm honest with myself I realize that I didn't actually like the other women I dated very much on a personal level. So this concocted idea in my head of sex with a variety of different people would likely have been a fairly emotionally shallow experience mostly for the sole purpose of sexual gratification and petting my own ego.
I'm not sure how you get past that feeling of exploring more when you could, but having the hottest and kinkiest sex of my life with my wife of 6 years certainly helps. Being in a committed relationship with someone you trust opens up doors for sexual exploration that are simply not there when casually dating.
So my advice is that if you're feeling like your missing out, have your current girlfriend drain your balls until the feeling passes.
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What do you mean when you could? I'm not quite 10 years older than you, divorced around your age and had the time of my life. By no means do I feel shorted. You get to the point in your life where you know what you want and have no qualms advocating for that.
If your SO is adventurous you can roleplay many scenarios. We incorporate porn into some of our sessions, because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you can't support healthy porn habits.
When I see all of these, "how do I say this to my SO" that's a big red flag to me. I would bet that there are serious issues in those relationships and they're likely to be in jeopardy at some point. It's likely that they will harbor those thoughts and become resentful. Resent in a relationship is like an axe splitting wood. Once the wedge has driven down the log you cannot put it back together.
Communication really is the root of all relationships. If you can't advocate for yourself without fear of repercussion you really need to question your status.
To each their own on body types and ages, but at the end of the day the personality behind the body is all that matters. If you've found your best friend and having a healthy fulfilling relationship, why question it?
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My regrets are rather the opposite. I had a very turbulent and difficult adolescence, and by the time I was 18 had had perhaps 30-40 partners - I really don’t know how many. The majority of those experiences SUCKED. Some were older men preying on a vulnerable teen, some was survival sex that I traded for a place to stay the night or a ride or a meal. A lot of it was just me, extremely lonely and isolated, trying in the only way I knew how to make a connection. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t working and I couldn’t get a real boyfriend. A few of them were fun and memorable, but for the most part I wish I hadn’t had most of those experiences.
I’ve now been married for almost 20 years, and the sex I have with my husband is loving, exciting, and fulfilling. It’s So. Much. Better.
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Been married 20+ years to my high school sweetheart. We split for a time in college and I didn’t do anything with anyone else because I only wanted to get back with her. I had several opportunities to explore but held out. Got back together, found out she slept around A LOT. Now she has all these experiences and I have none. Wish I would’ve made the most of those opportunities.
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How do you tell your partner what you want during sex without being critical of what they're currently doing?
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sexover30
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qosbmp
| 145 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
My wife and I are pretty good at this and it gets to be fun once you do it often enough. The trick to me is letting it feel like mutual discovery. A phrase we use a lot is “ooh, what if we tried this?” And then show each other physically. And then lots of praise when it feels good. Also, I think it’s really nice when people can be surprised by something they didn’t know they’d enjoy. It’s more about the spirit of spontaneity and improvisation than about “doing it right”. It’s much more fun to play with someone than to be “taught”. Then when you find something you love enjoy the hell out of it and your partner will want to do it more. At least in our experience.
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Be upfront and honest during sex. I don't think throwing people away until you find one who can read your mind will be a viable dating strategy.
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Specifics might help, but it depends a lot on the what and the how.
Harder, softer, faster, slower type comments don't imply anything other than what they are stayting.
You're going down on me wrong could be rephrased in a non sexual situation as 'what i really like is', followed by a 'do you want to try that on me now' suggestion, with a smile.
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Everyone's body and preferences are unique. Your "tried and true" techniques may not feel good to your new partner. I appreciate feedback because if I'm spending time pleasuring someone, I want it to be the best experience I'm capable of providing them.
If someone can't handle guidance, it originates in insecurities.
Two thoughts -
When something feels good or if they "hit the spot" in a way you requested, give them lots of positive feedback so they know what DOES appeal to you and so they're hearing more than just what isn't working.
Secondly, you can set the tone by asking what kinds of stimulation feels best to them. While you're providing intimate contact, ask for feedback and explain that you want to learn his or her body.
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I learned a 1-3 system.
Basically you discuss with your partner beforehand and they understand that when you say 1, it means whatever it is isn't working. A 3 means never stop what you're doing.
It takes out a lot of ego and shame because a 1 is not a value judgment, it's a redirection.
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People who watch porn with your partners: How?
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sexover30
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caav16
| 146 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
We set up our Ipad on either of our laps or in between us. Then we take turns picking out videos. No judgements, just pick what turns you on. We’ve learned some surprising things about each other. It’s great! Have fun!
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With a bowl of popcorn and Mystery science theater style commentary
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If you have a Roku, there's a pornhub app available, it's just not easy to find.
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Smartphone incognito mode in bed.
My husband and I take turns picking the video
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Download to PC, create a Plex server and use a Chromecast on bedroom tv.
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Masturbating next to spouse?
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sexover30
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9xucsn
| 140 | null | true | true | 0.98 | true |
My lady usually goes to bed a bit before I do. So sometimes I will jerk off as she goes to sleep. Usually I read stories on literotica. What's nice is as I'm about to finish she will reach over and put her hand on me or if she is more awake she will hold my balls as a cum. Either way is very nice and comforting. I do the same with her sometimes.
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[deleted]
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My wife has told me I have the freedom to do it whenever I want. I use my mind while I am next to her. She’ll often play with my balls or use her finger in my ass. Sometimes she just lets me go by myself. She’s never offended because we have regular sex. And if she wants to just do that instead she tells me.
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For me, arousal is very context-dependent. If my husband was sitting next to me but not interested/involved, it would kill the feeling and I wouldn’t be able to climax. If he just started masturbating next to me I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but chances are I’d be turned on pretty quickly and join in.
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In my experience, my wife and I reached this kind of comfort level with communication. I used to feel self conscious and weird about doing it, and would only do it when she’s asleep, but we are at a point now where if she just isn’t into having sex that night and I wanted a release, I have total freedom to go ahead. I would even say that it’s a turn on now. Sometimes she makes little noises or touches my body lightly while I do it.
If your wife has said that she doesn’t mind, definitely explore it with her. Just keep up the communication and make sure she continues to be fine with it.
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What's your opinion on using condoms?
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sexover30
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o68x15
| 134 |
Question
| true | true | 0.9 | true |
Sex with a condom is better than:
\- No Sex
\- Any disease for either partner
\- Unwanted children
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[deleted]
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As a younger guy, I didn't like them but I went to college in the ’90s. So I always wore them. It took some time for me to be able to orgasm with them, but eventually, that was no longer an issue.
For me now they don't bother me I have just as intense an orgasm wearing them as not. So the only real difference is how much sensation I get thrusting prior to O.
I realized how much of sex is in the brain and that when we worry we create realities for ourselves that might not be physically present.
So not focusing on the condom and focusing on what turned me on that I was doing with her. Removed any issues or struggles I had with condoms
And yes thankfully confoms are much better then the 90’s. Crown skinless skin are my favorite brand but to be honest there are a bunch of sensitivity-type condoms that I can barely tell the difference. I try to work with whatever woman I am with on their condom preference.
Also I have been with women who have used the female condom. They are not cheap, and obviously lube is required. Only met one woman that didn't like the female condom.
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I work in urgent care near a college town. The number of STI tests we do that come back positive is very very high. Multiple repeat patients too.
I am poly. Condoms are nonnegotiable with me. Period point blank. You can try different materials, lubes etc for sensation. But my health and health of all my partners is paramount.
If itsan issue then we just dont have sex.
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Imagine it like holding hands while wearing a rubber glove, it's still nice to hold hands, but the feeling is not nearly as good.
Yes, I hate them, but yes it does still feel good with them and I'll gladly put one so I don't risk STIs or babies.
On a side note, nobody should ever make you feel bad about bringing up condoms. There's a fine line between someone expressing their disappointment and someone putting pressure on you to not use them. The former is ok, the latter is not.
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How to safely exchange naughty photos ?
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sexover30
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e66gy2
| 131 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
You can get the signal app and it'll encrypt everything you send between each other. You can also encrypt your sdcard on the Samsung
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Use the Signal app, made by Whisper Systems. It's available for Android, Apple IOS, and some desktop OSes (Windows).
1. Your data is encrypted in transit.
2. Your data is encrypted in storage. (you have to manually save images outside of Signal if you want them viewable in Gallery or by other apps)
3. It's open source and the encryption protocol has been reviewed by (arguably) one of the most well-known / capable cryptographers: Bruce Schneier.
4. It's more secure than WhatsApp (even though WhatsApp actually uses the Signal protocol beneath the hood).
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Signal.
Wife and I have iPhones but she has trouble remembering to move pics out of Messages to a safe place. Plus Signal keeps pics out of the family friendly photo album.
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I use the keepsafe app and have a shared photo album with my husband.
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Everything boils down to two options (well three if you wanted to go real old school and do hard copies but frankly who has the time):
Something cloud based that you have remote access to. If a device is lost, stolen or hacked you can still access or delete photos, and if you're diligent about passwords no one is realistically going to be able to access but you BUT a third party has your n00ds.
Something device based; is safe in transit and storage (you could, for example, simply move WhatsApp photos into a secure folder) and can be password protected up the whazoo but always runs the risk of someone else's grubby fingers (and their grubby unlocking programs) getting hold of it.
There will always be a risk. You can minimise this by setting security protocols you both agree with and sticking with them. But the biggest risk, always, is one of you. An honest conversation about how you'll look at and protect them is worth a thousand dollar premium subscription to a lock app like KeepSafe. Get your own Batman protocol made together. That's the closest you can come to true safety. Happy nude-ing.
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MY JEALOUSY | How do deal with your partner's sexual history?
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sexover30
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bix2ao
| 133 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.93 | true |
[deleted]
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My boyfriend and I talked about this the other day, in the context of insecurity rather than jealousy per se.
We’ve never specifically talked numbers, but along the way have both realised mine is much higher than his.
The conversation came up because he often ‘talks up’ the things he’s done in the past. I said it makes me feel like I am somehow not measuring up because he doesn’t seem to be present in the moment with me (so there’s my insecurity). He said he does it because he feels insecure about his lack of experience compared to me (his insecurity).
I told him I don’t ever think about any of the other men I’ve been with, except in very specific circumstances (if someone asks a question about something for example). I’m certainly not comparing him or our sex life to anything in the past.
He told me that he never knew he could have a life like the one he has with me.
We both feel exceptionally lucky to have found each other after unkind marriages and despite our best efforts sometimes that baggage gets in the way.
So we talk. We are open and honest and ready to support each other through whatever painful conversation needs to be had to work through things together for the sake of our relationship.
We remind each other and ourselves that we have chosen, and continue to choose to be with each other.
You can’t help a feeling that pops up, but you have a lot of control over the way you handle it once it’s there.
Yesterday for the first time I saw that I am called Beautiful Girl in his phone. The next time I feel inclined to worry about whether I am truly good enough for him I will remember that and I reckon I’ll be okay.
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I think jealousy arises from people who feel like they haven't always lived their best sexual lives. And to be fair, that's probably a lot of people, not all of whom get jealous about their partner's experiences, but nonetheless, it's rooted in the idea that "you had this rich and varied sexual life that I've desired but feel like I haven't gotten to have."
And the problem here is equating quantity with quality. There are people who've had a lot of sex with a lot of people but that doesn't mean those experiences were all good or pleasurable or satisfying.
I think about this a lot in terms of so-called hookup culture because if you read all the anecdotes about it, very little of it sounds very fun (though I'm sure some people enjoy it) since there's never any time to get to know someone and their sexual personalities. For me, the latter is the most enriching thing being with someone on that intimate level; it's like you're both trying to decipher this riddle that is someone else's pleasure and much of the enjoyment isn't the orgasm at the end but learning how to get there.
IDK...for me, I don't wish I had slept with more people before my wife but I do wish I had been braver/bolder and more engaged with my previous lovers because I think it would have enriched the experience on both sides. Adding more lovers to a list during my sexual immaturity would have just increased the number of regrets. And I know my partner now, who's had a few more lovers than me, feels very similarly.
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I deal with this a little. My partner has been with a lot of women and a handful of men. I’ve only been with two people, my partner and my ex husband. My retroactive jealousy is completely centered on his most recent ex girlfriend simply because they had a lot of sexual experiences he and I probably won’t be doing, like threesomes. It’s compounded with my lack of experience and insecurity about it. It’s like, I just want to be the best he’s ever had, damnit!
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I think a lot of people misunderstand the point of view of the person experiencing retroactive jealousy and just assume that they are controlling possessive hypocrites. That’s why there were so many comments directed to the poster earlier today that OP references here saying “you have issues and should just stop thinking about it” or “you sound like a toxic person” to the point the mods had to close it. That guy was merely identifying a problem he was having, acknowledging his irrational insecurities, and asking for help from others who might’ve had similar experiences and he was inundated with comments that questioned his character.
Retroactive jealousy can be extremely debilitating and can boil over and consume all parts of your life and relationship if you don’t address it. It can start as a simple ideation involving your SO’s previous sexual experience before you and can morph into intrusive thoughts that you just can’t seem to think about anything else. But here’s the thing that confuses people: the person with the retroactive jealousy knows that they’re being irrational, illogical, unfair, and oftentimes hypocritical, but they just can’t seem to stop thinking about it.
Because people suffering from retroactive jealousy know that it’s wrong and irrational to judge someone, especially someone you honestly love, for their sexual past they try to just ignore those feelings at first. When they find it impossible to ignore those feelings they start to feel shame and guilt over what they think must be a moral failing on their part. This leads to even more insecurity about themselves and the relationship and puts them even deeper into the spiral. It really is a tough thing to experience and it only complicates things to have people just assume the worst in you when you’re trying to seek help in dealing with it.
They are already quite aware that it’s not healthy or fair to your SO to feel extreme, intrusive jealousy and insecurity over their sexual past. They know it’s hypocritical to have obsessive thoughts about even very minor sexual or romantic encounters of your SO where they feel strong emotions such as anger, sadness, regret, etc... when they themselves had numerous encounters with other people prior to meeting the current SO. If ignoring those feelings because you know they’re not healthy or a legitimate relationship grievance against your SO worked then you would’ve stopped having them a long time ago. It’s an exercise in futility to just “not think about it” when those thoughts and ideations have become so pervasive that they seem to have taken over all thought. So whenever someone takes the step of coming forward to acknowledge they’re having these illogical thoughts and feelings they shouldn’t be ridiculed and chastised by telling them things they’re already aware of, but should instead be praised for their internal reflection about uncomfortable insecurities for the sake of their relationship and encouraged to work on addressing this problem.
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How the hell do you feel good with a partner?
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sexover30
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ap2vf9
| 130 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
Sounds very frustrating but you have a very understanding partner, so that's great.
If you were a guy then a suggestion would be to abstain from all masturbation and related porn use/fantasy to reset years of training your body to respond to your own ministrations. It may be that you have the female equivalent of death grip.
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I came from a repressive background and much of your story sounds personally familiar. I'm still working on my own growth sexually.
The best thing for me this far has been relaxing. Really, deeply relaxing, and not letting myself fret. Even when I thought was relaxed, working with a somatic therapist showed me I was not. That tension interferes with my orgasm. Both with toys and my partner. So I do everything I can to train my brain and body to do so.
I won't describe all the various things I do as what you may be different... plus this would get long. But much of it follows sensate focus work - avoiding letting every experiment turn into sex, and rewiring sensations and expectations. Slowly, it's working.
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It sounds like it’s possible that the years of religious repression and sexual issues in your marriage have taught you some lessons about sex that your body is finding it hard to unlearn.
I’m no expert but my first thought would be to keep looking for a therapist who specialises in these issues and to take a more holistic approach - thinking about your sexuality and how it has developed rather than focusing instrumentally on getting pleasure right now.
In the meantime it might be interesting to think about taking steps towards exploring sexual pleasure with a partner without them fully being there in the room with you. You say you enjoy GW and sexting and erotica. Have you tried exchanging photos, videos, sexts etc with your partner in another room while masturbating for example? You could build this up in slow incremental stages until to help you adjust to experiencing pleasure with someone else there.
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This does sound like a shaming issue. I wonder if you can identify what is going through your mind when you masturbate versus when you’re with a partner. Do thoughts or visualizations occur in one instance but not in the other?
Do you get aroused by nipple play? If so, how does that mindset compare to genital stimulation?
Do you get aroused when performing oral or hand work on your partner?
And this might be the oddest question of all. Have you fantasized about being with another woman? Does the thought of arousing and stimulating another female do anything for you when you masturbate? Lesbian porn might be the thing to get you to ease into the feeling of the indulgence of being stimulated, but not having a man present to put you in the marital bed scenario.
It sounds like you have a lover who would be open to allowing you whatever you need to find yourself. I expect that one day with this wonderful man you’re with, you will find that explosion of feeling will occur right out of the blue.
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It sounds like maybe you have trouble fully relaxing with a partner the same way you can when you’re on your own masturbating. I would suggest trying to walk from masturbation to sex with the smallest baby steps possible - maybe start with masturbating while your partner is in the next room. Let him know that’s what you’re doing and to wait there while you do it. Maybe try recording video or audio of yourself masturbating with the intent to show him afterward. Try mutual masturbation live over video chat. Masturbate while he’s in the room but facing away from you or blindfolded. If you can reach orgasm or feel pleasure during these activities, then maybe move up to live mutual masturbation. And then on to acts where he stimulates your clit or you rub it during intercourse. Good luck!
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I had my first wet dream for over a decade last night. Do any other over 30s experience them?
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sexover30
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hbxf5c
| 130 |
Question
| true | true | 1 | true |
I had my first one that I can remember at 31. I’m 33 rn. For me, it’s an ultra rare occurrence. I can rarely remember my dreams, and when I do, it’s never ever sex.
That one time for me was FUCKING GLORIOUS!
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50s, still have them once in a while.
Wife and I have sex nearly every day, so it's not from lack of release.
Maybe sometimes when I go to bed and still have a bit of leftover high from some weed many hours earlier, or maybe it's just more intense then. I've had them sometimes even before I ever tried weed.
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[deleted]
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My wife does all the time. Hell last night she rolled over eyes closed and told me to fuck her and moaned and rubbed herself in her sleep then started snoring. It’s been a crazy month mental health wise for her and we haven’t had sex in about 27 days. Obviously her subconscious is thinking about it.
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[deleted]
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What is intimacy for you?
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sexover30
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dey3r8
| 125 |
Discussion
| true | true | 0.98 | true |
For me, intimacy is about trust. Can I trust my SO with my thoughts? How do they react when I need a hug that lasts longer than 5 seconds? Do they match my ardor? Do they light light up when I come in the room? It’s a million little things that say I love you and I trust you and I am showing you.
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Intimacy is pounding away and catching her gaze. Being caught in her depths. It's also cuddling afterward. And it's hugging her and comforting her as she's teary eyed. It comes in a variety of forms but I find it is almost non sexual most of the time.
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Kissing. But *real* kissing. Not transactional kissing, like paying a toll of the road to fucktown. Like laying close together, whispering a personal/intimate conversation, foreheads touching, then a slow kiss that takes your breath away (and your partner’s breath away too). Pulling away so you both can catch your lost breath, touching his face gently with your hand, and kissing again...
I’ve been with my partner for more than 20 years, and this still feels like the air before a lightning storm. It’s wonderful.
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For me, intimacy is being fully, totally wanted and knowing that I am loved and cherished by my husband. This can pertain to sex and “the chase”, but also to just being held by him and that deep knowing of each other that can also happen outside the bedroom. I think true intimacy is what every human craves and needs. And sex is a fantastic way to achieve that, since good sex should include coming together on a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental level. Now, realistically, that doesn’t always happen for various reasons. But when those things all line up, sparks fly.
Edit: and orgasms are extremely important to achieve deep intimacy. I didn’t start orgasming till very very recently (strict Christian upbringing, lots of shame and guilt around genitals. sex and sexuality in general, and my husband didn’t know how to help me achieve orgasms till only recently. Vibrators have saved our marriage lol). Since orgasming, the intimacy and depth of connection I feel towards my husband is 100-fold!!! Everything prior in our 10-year relationship felt like what I felt towards past boyfriends, except I just had a longer relationship history and more connection/compatibility with my husband. Now that we’re both orgasming during our sexual encounters, I feel infinitely more “glued”/bonded to him. (And for context, I’ve only ever done anything sexual with my husband, never with past boyfriends. The most they ever got was a 1-minute make-out session and touching my boobs over my bra and shirt lol).
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I guess the most intimate stuff for me, physically speaking, would be cuddling, kissing with our faces close to each other, and definitely spooning.
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how to flirt with an avoidant partner
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sexover30
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ins7cn
| 124 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
How would you flirt with her if she were a new woman that you were interested in dating? Probably gentle teasing, mild innuendo, and maybe some innocent touches (hands, shoulders).
You might ask her questions and listen attentively to her answers. You might hold eye contact slightly longer than normal. You night "show off" a little bit for her, by demonstrating some skill you have. You might try to make her laugh, or tell her entertaining stories.
You might ask her to lunch or for a drink or give her a small, thoughtful gift, or offer to help her with something.
Chore play is not flirting.
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I'm inclined to share a little of my own journey. I've stopped "needing" sex from my wife. I've started working on myself WITHOUT the end goal being sex. (Working out, reading, finishing projects). My confidence is up, I don't feel rejection because I don't ask or look for or "need" sex from her. I'm actually starting to joke a little here and there and just have a good time and it's actually turning her on more.
I think we as men become a little lazy and get complacent in our relationship depending on a woman to make us feel whole (my experience). I can't imagine that's very attractive. I'm doing stuff for me now. Stuff that I want to do, stuff that I want to clean, fix, little projects....whatever. I feel great, and even if this doesn't work for my marriage I'm ok because I'm finding myself again.
I wish you the best of luck. Find yourself, find the guy she fell for and get your mojo back.
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I surprised my wife with a massage table, and our love life has been on fire. She knows giving long massages are a chore for me because of my tennis elbow, but it's also a chore that's just for her- which I think really turns her on. Sometimes we have sex, sometimes we don't, which adds to the excitement a little.
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The most powerful sex organ is the brain. Think about ways to engage her mind not just her body. You can send flirty texts in the middle of the day, leave her notes around the house. Do some research on the body. Touch her in the less obvious erogenous zones when y'all are watching tv. But focus on engaging the mind before engaging the body.
Another thing to consider, and I don't know if your wife is this way or if this is just me, the more connected I feel to my partner, the more I want to have sex with them. Emotional intimacy comes first for me. So, spend some focused time together. Put your phones away for the night. Have conversations about life, about dreams. The thing about being married for a long time is that you take for granted that you know your partner. That doesn't mean that there isn't anything new to discover or to rediscover about your partner.
Anyway, good luck! Keep us posted! 💛
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So, the concept of chore play kinda turns my stomach a little (I’m supposed to be turned on by the other adult who lives in the house “helping” me with the housework? If he fucking lives here? No. Cleaning is not my job by default and no one is getting treated special for behaving like a functional adult)
But damn, I looked it up and does that love language ever sound like chore play 😂 there are some ideas though, like doing things your partner would normally do and surprising them by doing it for them (taking their car and filling it, making them a surprise breakfast, taking initiative to plan out and go on a date, making them a playlist because you were thinking of them).
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Surges in affection?
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sexover30
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ew1ltu
| 121 |
Question
| true | true | 0.98 | true |
Hormones, man. Its easier to track for women, of course (ovulation makes her horny), but men also go through cycles. Could consider tracking it to see if there's any pattern to it, maybe?
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Yup us too. Is also loved to keep it going. We are both on the up swing right now so I'm focusing on what out life looks like right now to keep up some key elements to see if that's it. Less busy, more communication, making time for it.
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(M) we go through similar. As much as we're compatible it can feel like sex dictates the relationship, if we have sex then it'll lead to a amazing time that will continue to build and bringing us closer together yet if there's a week where it hasn't happened we'll be on a come down from the high.
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My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. We also see this, it seems to have begun happening more in the last 5 or so years than in the past. I think due to our youngest child becoming more independent when she went to school. We find it follows my cycle. It's like my hormones affect him too. I can be in my own world cooking in the kitchen, not thinking about anything really and he will struggle to not tear my clothes off! He will find me wherever I am and simply cannot keep his hands off me or stop kissing and pulling at me. It's like he's possessed! Same is true for me though, as I edge closer to ovulation and I find I become preoccupied with thoughts of him. Not always sexy thoughts, some more sentimental, but these thoughts always lead to sexy feelings and desire. I wish it could be ongoing, but the cycle is probably nature's way of making sure we rest!
|
We’ve been married 30 years and are experiencing this as well. My husband said it’s like we fell in love with each other all over again. But unlike NRE, we’re all relaxed and going slower. It’s like a slow burn.
We’re also on HRT which I think makes a huge difference.
|
Advice for someone that doesn’t want sex?
|
sexover30
|
h13kot
| 119 |
Seeking Advice
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
OP: a few questions...
Have you ever been into sex, whether with your husband or any one else? Or have you always been low libido/desire?
I'm also assuming you don't masturbate or find other methods of self-pleasuring? Are you ever tempted to or does that desire not exist there either?
It's far too early to make any kind of conclusions but it may be that you're somewhere on the asexual spectrum in which case, it's not necessarily "your fault" or "his fault." But again, I wouldn't assume that (yet).
Also, when you say "neither one of us are very good at sex" what does that mean? If one or both of you were "better" at sex, do you think it'd make a big difference?
|
I don’t know your sexual history or background, but I’ve always been a very sexual person. However, after I had my daughter I lost all desire to have sex. I thought I would never go back to “normal”. Then when my daughter was almost two I went to see a therapist who specializes in trauma. I had experienced sexual trauma in my past. Once I started sessions with her my libido returned full force. I’m the horniest I’ve ever been. Therapy saved me! I hope you find yourself!
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I think you might both benefit from reading “Come As You Are”. Maybe even read it together and talk about it. It’s important to know that what you are feeling (or not feeling in this case) is normal. That book will help you understand why and suggest some ways to improve your libido.
|
Yes a therapist can help and would be beneficial. Please seek one and you may have to try a couple of them before you find the one that works for you. If you would like, the one my wife and I go to does Skype meetings so you can see him no matter where you live.
Additionally, I want to offer my uneducated advice. First off I suggest changing you mental wording. You seem really negative and hard one yourself. You say you two aren’t good at sex. Compared to what? As long as you two are happy then it is great. Don’t get into the comparison game with what you think is normal or average. Be more positive even if you have areas for improvement.
Most importantly remember that often women have a reactive libido. This means your desire probably doesn’t happen until after your arousal. We expect to want sex then begin the arousal process but this does not work often. Find ways to turn yourself on or have your partner turn you on then see if the desire comes around. I recommend you learning to do this yourself so you can take charge of your own desire and not be dependent on someone else.
Finally, remember you are both on the same team and not fighting against each other. You both need to put in the effort to have a sex life that fulfills you. It is not a you problem, it is an “us” problem.
|
OP, I am not a doctor. But I went through a COMPLETE loss of libido about a year after our daughter was born. I didn’t want sex, I didn’t masturbate, I was exhausted all the time, and I was moody. I had sex for the sake of my husband but he could tell I wasn’t into it, so he eventually stopped trying to seduce me. I started gaining weight, and realized I never had to shave my legs as I wasn’t growing any hair.
I finally went to the doctor where I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, as well as a vitamin D deficiency. About a couple months into treatment, I could feel the “spark” coming back. I’m a much happier (and hornier!) person today.
I’m not saying you have a thyroid disorder or a vitamin deficiency, I’m just saying that if something isn’t right it’s a good idea to see a doctor. A trusted doctor that won’t dismiss you and will be willing to run diagnostics if needed.
Best of luck, OP.
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Article: "Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex?"
|
sexover30
|
9y3ris
| 123 | null | true | true | 0.94 | true |
I think how much human interaction has been removed from our culture and with technology now has made a large impact. Things went from having to go to the persons home and knock on the door to have a face to face conversation, to calling on the phone and now texting. Think of all the things you accomplish in a day and how much human interaction has been removed from them. I think that definitely has an affect on how we interact with each other, add in a shaky economy, shifting cultural norms, and it makes sense to me that people are having less sex.
What I'd be curious to know is if the *quality* of sex has changed as well?
|
Fascinating read, thanks so much for posting! As one of those people not having sex, thought I'd chime in with my experiences. It's not just one reason, lots of things are getting in the way:
**Lack of privacy**. Housing prices and rents here in Europe have soared, making it damn near impossible for singles to buy a place of their own. I spent about 35% of my wages on rent alone, nowadays that would be closer to 50%. Tried flat sharing but that didn't work out. Moving back in with my parents was the only way to save up for a deposit. Didn't want to introduce a new guy to my parents straight away, and staying out at night would lead to questions, so that didn't leave much room for sex. I felt embarrassed to be living with my parents in my 30s, didn't want to admit that to a date. Finally got my own place and I feel so much more relaxed now.
**Lack of social skills and opportunities to meet men**. I don't have brothers and went to an all-girls school until I was 18. I did meet boys through hobbies and that led to some flings and one relationship, but I'm very clumsy about approaching a man I don't know very well. We don't have a dating culture in my country, and friend groups are very close-knit. It's really difficult to meet new people once you've finished school. Tried language classes and night school, but it's 90% women there. Going to a bar means you only talk to your own friends and the bartender. Male co-workers are either married or in their early 20s/late 50s. My social life is dwindling because most of my friends are overwhelmed with jobs, partners, kids, house renovations,...
**Lack of assertiveness.** For a really long time I had no idea how to stand up for myself in a relationship. Once ended up on a date when a random guy on a dating site asked me out and I couldn't figure out how to say no, so I just went along with it. Luckily he was a decent guy and didn't take advantage, but that could have ended really badly. So I got scared and stopped putting myself out there.
**No desire for kids**. I don't hear my biological clock ticking, so I'm in no rush to find a partner. I'm taking the time to sort my life out first: house, career, savings. And it feels great to stand on my own two feet. I won't have to put up with a bad relationship because I can't afford to leave, and my future partner will know I'm with him for his personality, not for the contents of his wallet. But on the flipside, this can be intimidating for some men. They see themselves as providers, and they don't really know how to act around a woman who doesn't need them to play that role.
**Mental health problems**. I've struggled with anxiety and depression, and I wanted to get a grip on that before jumping into a relationship. It will always be a part of me, but I know how to take care of myself now. It felt unfair to burden a partner with my unresolved issues.
I've often thought schools should teach classes on life and relationship skills. We're being prepped to be good little workers and keep the economy running, but what we really need to know is how to cook a healthy meal, how to balance a budget and how to talk about sex with our partner.
|
I read this yesterday, and I’ve been mulling on it since. Obviously, no one culprit is responsible for all the changes, but there are a few big ones that I wanna dig into, in order of importance.
1) It’s the economy, stupid!
We have achieved a strange and disconcerting state, economically speaking. We have managed to decouple almost completely the Investment Market and the actual practical day-to-day boots-on-the-ground economy. The only remaining connection is the ability of a decline in the Market to force a decline in the Economy. This has had many negative effects.
The median income is slipping closer and closer to poverty level. Social mobility is mostly going down. Even when the stock market was at its peak, the average American was overstretched and overstressed. The reality is that choosing to be involved in a marriage, or choosing to have a child, is a more high-cost proposition. With the economy as it is, young people are often a little more risk-averse. Higher risk plus lower risk appetite always equals precipitous declines in the thing in question.
Younger people have to work more hours than their parents at the same age, and far more hours than their grandparents at the same age. And in increasingly contractor-based economy, those hours are often scattered between two jobs, and quite often never the same in any given month. So free time, particularly prime (good socializing days/hours) free time, is precious. Better perhaps to spend it doing something mildly pleasant, rather than risk a dozen mediocre-or-worse experiences in hopes of a good or great one.
Student loans and the dismal practical economy are also enormous sex-killers. Many people with high educational debt and/or low-paying jobs end up regarding themselves as undateable, and drop out of the market. With high student debt, I’ve heard people use the word “Pariah,” half a dozen times or more.
So, to summarize, on average you have less money, and less time in which to use it, in order to risk a serious connection with someone increasingly less likely to have an actual decent financial state. Sounds sexy, no?
2) Someday we’ll find it, the human connection!
For a variety of reasons, human connection is less common.
It starts young; more kids have less time with other kids, especially larger groups of kids, when they’re young. And play dates are less common, and get even less so as childhood goes on due to schedules, transportation, etc.
Meanwhile, negative news sells, so increasingly dismal stories take precedence. If it bleeds it leads, and in a hundred million households the world seems more scary. Certainly, your kids won’t be playing in the street with neighbors like you once did. Even if you would be willing to allow it personally, you know at least two of your neighbors would call the cops or CPS, so you don’t dare.
Stakes are high in high school. Not only do you have to work more hours for the same spending power than your parents for in their teen jobs, but academics/college entry are more serious and require more hours, volunteering, etc. So you need good grades and a decent SAT, as well as a couple of extracurriculars, If you wanted a decent college. And the work-hours cost of a date are higher, if you do choose to try.
In college, you’re increasingly aware of your increasing debt. You’re doing whatever you need to do to get a decent shot at a career, and trying not to bomb classes so that extra semesters aren’t necessary. Dating is a chore and expensive and disruptive.
Then your career is demanding extra hours, as they all do now. Build your career, put in the grind, don’t make waves while you’re really expendable. Sure, you can try to date, but good luck overlapping schedules.
Friendships are also harder to form and harder to maintain, and increased career-advancing mobility means more isolation from families.
And on top of all that, there is the internet.
3) The Commie was right?!
There was some Soviet or other, Khrushchev maybe, who updated Marx and declared that television was the new opiate of the Western masses. Don’t remember the exact wording, but it certainly harmonized with the original Marx quotation about religion.
Anyhow, anything radio did, TV did more of. And anything TV did, the Internet can do ten times as many things and do way more of. What does this have to do with some nameless (if only because I’ve forgotten his name) Soviet guy?
If someone looks at my summation in the last paragraph of section 1, it looks pretty bleak. If your work and living situation times are depressing and/or monotonous, are you really prepared to risk a likely bleh night just for a small chance at a good one? I mean, what’s better, Game of Thrones rerun binges or bad dates?
We can get enough swipe-rights to feel just enough not-bad about ourselves. We can engage in whatever distraction we choose. We can find apps/games/sites that have impressive dopamine-based Pavlov mechanism. We can get a quick O, or do all the work of figuring out a new partner whose communication may not be great.
And that’s not taking into account Porn.
4) The Internet is for WHAT?!
I doubt the designer of GI Joe action figures ever figured on presaging in plastic a precursor to sexual dysfunction. But that Kung Fu death grip is real, y’all. And the more you beat off with it, the harder it is to get fully stimulated by anything a partner has.
And beating off is such a quick release, that it’s way more feasible and likely than a successful date that ends in intimacy. And so porn becomes the norm.
But the norm is contributing to sexual dysfunction, as men dive into the custom of gripping themselves more tightly than any woman can do. And the internet has a variety no woman can hope to match. That’s not a path likely to lead to fully healthy intimacy.
What the hell does it mean?
Like I say, there’s a lot attributable to money and/or fear, but there are lots of factors to this decline. But improving one or two of the big things would have enormous positive effect.
|
The article weighs in at almost 15,000 words. I suspect most commenters just skimmed it. I'll have to come back later and really dig into it.
|
I think kids and work play far more into it than we'd like. Especially if both parties are the "go getter" types, they're going to be putting family and career in front of personal pleasure.
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Is sex with friends normal?
|
sexover30
|
las4ns
| 116 |
Question
| true | true | 0.93 | true |
I don't know about normal, but it's not unusual. Sex with friends can be very dangerous to a friendship, some people handle it well and others don't. I did it a lot more when I was younger, and I've ruined a couple good friendships that way, but other times I've had some good FWB situations. I think if two people are mature and communicate well and have a relaxed approach to sex it can be a great thing.
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I've never done it but I would rather have sex with a friend than a complete stranger. The whole one night stand thing seems so cold to me. I imagine I would feel completely empty afterward.
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Everyone is different, and reacts to sex in different ways. Some people cannot separate sex from romantic feelings, others can.
I am capable of having sex with a friend without it complicating things or without catching feelings. My partner cannot(we have an open relationship), she tends to catch feelings for anyone she sleeps with, and so limits herself to her BFs. Aside from my partner, I have a GF, which whom I have allowed myself to fall for romantically; and a BFWB, with whom I have not; as well as the occasional indulgence with a friend when the opportunity arises.
But that's just me.
You do you. There is no right or wrong here, just because you hear of other people doing relationships one way doesn't mean you are broken for not doing it that way as well, be it monogamy, polyamory, or casual sex.
|
Not sure where you're reading where you see having sex with your friends as being a 'normal' thing people do. I stress normal - as that's a fairly slippery term.
Couple things to note:
(1) Sex dedicated forums - like /r/sexover30 - are bound to have users who are more sexually open, into a more diverse range of sexual activities, and tend towards the more promiscuous just by fact of it being a forum to discuss sex
(2) In my experience, sex with friends is common in the sense that relationships are likely to develop from friendships - as the basis of any good relationship is friendship. For most people, it's also easier to become attracted to someone you know on that level rather than a stranger. So in that sense - sex with friends isn't exactly uncommon, but it's common because relationships develop - not because people are just banging their friends all the time.
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I'm happily in a monogamous relationship now but most of my prior sex, phone sex, and sexting was with friends. I'm a man. All partners referred to henceforth are women.
It really depends on yours and the friend's attitudes on sex. If you both go in genuinely understanding, expecting, and wanting the sex to just be a fun experience, and you're both going to be mature and responsible about it, why not? While other comments here wonder how you can do something so intimate with someone you only consider a friend my perspective is that sex is really only as intimate as you want it to be and friendships have ranges of depth. I've had sexual relationships with friends who were very dear to me and I'd known for years, but we weren't doing romantic stuff like dates, planning a mutual future, not talking to other people, meeting eachother's families, etc. I've had sexual relationships with friends who were more acquaintance-tier, which is probably easier and lower risk of emotional fallout.
I can honestly say that I'm either still friends with most of these people (and yes, my partner knows,) or I'm not still friends with some of them for reasons not due to sex, such as having a falling out over values, unrelated interpersonal problems that arise in any friend group, and so on. I'm not saying every person should have sex with every friend. I just mean that if everyone's very open about what they want out of the experience (as should be the case with all sex,) everyone's honest with themself about what they want/hope for, everyone is mutually respectful, everyone is sex positive, and everyone is being safe, I think more people should have more sex. I think it makes everyone better when they know more sides of other people, accept them, and find greater acceptance within themselves. You'd be amazed how much weight was lifted from some of these women when they realized they could be sexual with me like they wanted to and they saw I didn't respect them less or see them as disposable despite me not trying to wifey them. I think that if it's tenable for all parties involved, sex with friends>sex with strangers every time. Way safer when you know who you're dealing with.
|
Is there a big difference between your public self and your bedroom self?
|
sexover30
|
hw134r
| 120 |
Question
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
I rarely talk about sex or my sex life with my friends. Partially because I’m private, but also because deep down I’m a huge pervert. I don’t want any of my friends to get weirded out by my internal sexual meanderings.
|
I'm a very gentle person. My kids call me a warm teddy bear and my friends say I'm a gentle giant.
In bed I'm a hardcore dom that likes a lot of different styles of BDSM and berating. I have a wide variety of ropes, spreaders, plugs, nipple clamps and a king size four post bed because it's easier to tie someone to the posts than it is to run ropes under a mattress.
I think the only part that really mixes is that I'm very attentive to my partner's needs and I'm very gentle with aftercare.
|
About 3 inches
|
Pretty big difference. When I'm in public I don't tie up and spank my friends
|
In the bedroom I'm the subbiest sub. I do as I'm told, I'm not afraid of fluids or getting dirty and eagerly comply with anything and everything.
Outside the bedroom I'm a paralegal and office manager of a law firm in addition to being a single mom. I'm efficient, organized, and in charge. I don't even like getting my hands wet to wash dishes lol
|
Is comforting an emotional partner a turn on for you?
|
sexover30
|
cmpi4q
| 118 |
Question
| true | true | 0.96 | true |
My guess is that when you open up to her to share, talk through things, etc that you're building trust/emotional bonding. That building in trust/openness may be what makes her think "damn I love this man" and want you to buff her muffin.
Also, sorry you're going through a difficult time. Have you tried meditation? I find the app Headspace quite helpful. I also really like their sleep stories for relaxing my mind but also keeping it occupied to go to sleep.
|
Yes. And it sounds wrong, but I think it is just about love. Sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes you need to show someone with your body that you love them. Comfort them with your skin.
And seeing someone you love being vulnerable makes you really aware of how much you love them. And that emotional intimacy as well is a bonding thing, that makes you feel more connected and in love.
|
There are a lot of factors here. The main one is that some people just like comfort sex. It feels intimate to give it because of the increased venerability, but also consider that if you're married, your loss is her loss and she is grieving and wanting in on that comfort sex, too. Without knowing the loss, it's tough too tell, but when my husband lost some close members of his family, it devastated me, too. I felt needed as a grief counselor, but it was also a really dark time in my own life. Have you asked your wife how she is coping with this loss? It may be that she needs comfort but this is the only way she feels comfortable asking you for it because the loss and grief are "yours."
You should also consider that this is not sustainable. What are you doing *besides having your wife help you process* to manage your grief?
I speak from experience when I say it feels good short term, because who doesn't want an emotionally intimate relationship? You should try to hold on to this level of intimacy as the context changes. It's ok, desirable even, to display emotions to your partner, and even to friends and other loved ones. However, she's slipping dangerously close to a caretaker role. It's possible that as time goes by, she'll stop getting a sexy thrill from the increased intimacy and instead become worn down, burnt out, and see you as a big pit of emotional labor. She'll crash. You'll crash. It will suck all around.
So, my advice is this. 1) enjoy the sex. Lots of people do. 2) talk to your wife about her grief and make sure her needs are being met. 3) seek grief counseling and form a plan to process things so you are not relying heavily on her every night.
Good luck.
|
[deleted]
|
It's not the worst thing I've ever heard. But think of it this way - you are building intimacy and showing openness by sharing your emotions. For many people, that is a turn on because it helps them feel closer to their partner. She may also be upset by whatever you are dealing with and want the comfort of being close to you to. When people are struggling the usual impulse is to reach out to those they trust for connection.
There is a whole category of smut called "Hurt and Comfort" for a reason.
|
In my country, Iceland, nudity is legal, topless sunbathing happens and one night stands are extremely common. I, like many others, have never owned a bikini either. AMA!
|
NSFWIAMA
|
br2ngw
| 178 | null | true | true | 0.94 | true |
Do you see more guys then girls nude at the beach?
Do you see men with boners walking around?
What are the women’s pubic hair: bush, trimmed, or shaved?
|
I can't imagine this happening in México, even for young generations nudity is not accepted even on beaches nor with close friends or family. The only accepted nudity is with same gender people in dressing rooms and not even then is comfortable nor very common. 0:
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"In europe we have a word for 'friends with benefits', friends."
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Less advanced keyboards ? Ouch !
|
Are there any thoughts like 'Oh my, she is got a nice ass or wish I had breasts like her' when you or your friends see each other naked?
If seeing each other naked is common, what arouses folks there? I don't mean like a relationship. More like what would be a turn on in terms of physical nature/bodies?
|
My wife [25F] and I [25M] like to keep things adventurous by having a naked weekend every month or so. From 7 pm on Friday night to 7 am on Monday morning, we are not allowed to wear any clothes at all. AMA
|
NSFWIAMA
|
9lshnj
| 105 | null | true | true | 0.94 | true |
Does this mean you don't leave the house or how does it work? What state do you guys live in?
|
Sounds like a lot of fun, but if you're in a state that touches a Great Lake, then winters aren't very warm. Do you reserve your naked weekends for summertime weather, or are you all-weather nudists?
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Does it lead to lots of sex?
|
So you answer the door naked?
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What are your heating bills like?
|
I have been sending nudes to my husbands best mate for years ... what I didn’t know was that he screenshots them and sends them back to my husband(all screenshots included) [f][28]
|
sexstories
|
n2h860
| 603 |
Cock tease
| true | true | 0.95 | true |
So, why are you sending these to that guy again? What is the specific reason?
|
I envy your hubby.. n his friends too!! 😍😋😈
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Pics or it... Ah nvm
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I wish my partner would do hot things like this
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Just out of curiosity, Why you kept on sending nudes to hubbies mate? :)
|
Too many blowjobs?
|
sexstories
|
sgh3ur
| 481 |
Oral
| true | true | 0.98 | true |
I mean I guess if it's been multiple blowjobs in a day and you're tired, sore, and drained of semen after repeated blowjobs, it could be an issue. That's an extreme example though.
This girl sounds like a keeper though. Did she swallow?
|
She is a keeper!! And if by any remote chance it happens that you are exhausted, just say you need to rest. I don't think that would be a problem. Make sure though to give her enough of what she loves 😉
|
Marry this woman. Never ever let her go and cherish these moments while you still can
|
I absolutely LOVE giving my husband blowjobs!! Like sometimes if he's feeling up to it, I have sucked his dick for hours without the goal of him cumming simply because we both love it. And, he's had the same problem you did, with having to beg for blowjobs from other women he's been with and with me, it's usually me asking him and he LOVES it!!!
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As a gay guy, I love giving head, if she likes it n you like it fuck the more the better... Stay happy y'all 🤗
|
Public Places to have SEX?
|
sexstories
|
wpzfk5
| 294 |
NonFiction
| true | true | 0.97 | true |
Forgot this one:
Downtown Westin Hotel. Fucking in front of a window in the evening with the lights on. While other high rises can see in fully. Don't remember which floor we were in but I'm sure you could probably just see from street level as it was dark enough and our room was fully lit. Did that once... mind most of the office towers were empty but those working late would have gotten a pretty good show. Her knees on the couch cushion, I bent her over the back rest of the tufted arm chair. Her pussy kept spraying all over the chair. I wonder if hotels ever clean those things, thing was soaked with pussy juices and cum.
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On a golf course. Preferably (but not exclusively) at night.
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I’m my dad’s fire station when they were on a call
|
On a boat, airplane restroom, secluded parking garage (check for cameras first), hiking trail, drive-in movies (yes they still exist), work office, work office lobby (after hours), skiing/snowboarding trail, concert (semi secluded area), arcade photo booth (slow day).
|
Those outdoor showers at the beach with the same coverage as bathroom stalls.
|
why do my nuts hurt?
|
Puberty
|
11hhlav
| 6 |
Question for guys
| true | false | 1 | true |
**For your safety, we recomend you to decline any DM requests that are regarding your posts or comments on r/Puberty. In addition, DO NOT answer questions, move discussion to, or request for communications in DMs or offsite, you will be permanently banned.**
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|
Could be you squished them. Worst case is you twisted a cord. If it doesn't stop soon, I'd say see a doctor.
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If it goes on for another day or it gets worse, definitely see a doctor or maybe your school nurse. Take care and good luck.
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Mine like ache sometimes too, makes me super paranoid
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🤔🤔🤔
|
Wet dreams or pee?
|
Puberty
|
11genhf
| 9 |
Question
| true | false | 0.92 | true |
**For your safety, we recomend you to decline any DM requests that are regarding your posts or comments on r/Puberty. In addition, DO NOT answer questions, move discussion to, or request for communications in DMs or offsite, you will be permanently banned.**
If you would like to have something posted anonymously, you can make a request by [following these instructions](https://reddit.com/r/Puberty/comments/so2ho8/how_to_request_to_have_something_posted/).
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|
It could be wet dreams. If you want to reduce them, it usually helps to masturbate more frequently. Especially if you are not masturbating at all, this probably causes the wet dreams. Does that make sense?
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When your bed is soaked wet, it is pee.
A small wet spot would be a ejaculation. Try to imagine, if your normal amount of semen would be able to cause, what ever you think, „soaking wet“ is.
Also, if you have access to diapers and you are not ashamed to wear one. Put it on at night and when you wake up in the morning, put your „wet“ diaper on a scale and calculate the difference. Because with pee, it would be measurable difference.
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I mean normally you smell pee more then cum. So if it is very much and smelly it might be pee
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Nah, if your bed itself is soaked, that’s pee. Wet dreams are the release of semen in sleep. And when you release semen in your sleep, there’s usually not a lot that comes out, certainly not enough to soak your bed, and it’s usually confined to your drawers.
It also usually absorbs pretty well into fabric, so there shouldn’t be much of anything by morning.
|
When do wet dreams stop?
|
Puberty
|
11dm2xu
| 13 |
Question
| true | false | 0.93 | true |
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|
They stop when you start to have ejaculations while you are awake.
|
An ejaculation before sleeping works well. Generally the older you get the less likely you are to have them. Good luck!
|
Wet dreams happen when your body needs to get rid of excess sperm. They occur throughout life yes but you won’t have them frequently when you are sexually active or masturbate
|
If you masturbate you will have less of them
|
Can people stop using “normal” to mean acceptable?
|
Puberty
|
11byl48
| 0 |
Meta
| true | false | 0.43 | true |
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|
Disagree with pretty much all of this.
>Normal means usual, typical, and average.
Being homosexual isn't the usual, so according to you those people aren't normal?
Being 5' tall as an adult isn't the average so you don't consider those people normal either?
>Most of the time, I see a lot of people asking “is this normal,” when they really mean “is this acceptable.”
Most of the time people use the word normal to mean "is this expected/something I should worry about". I've never once seen someone trying to ask "is this acceptable by society".
|
nah you can get fucked ima keep being normal
|
And rizz
|
The word "normal" has many definitions.
The type of usage you're complaining about is quite standard. See definitions 3b, c and d here for instance:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal
3b: generally free from physical or mental impairment or dysfunction : exhibiting or marked by healthy or sound functioning
3c: not exhibiting defect or irregularity
3d: within a range considered safe, healthy, or optimal
|
Do you think it's just hormones?
|
Puberty
|
11az9gq
| 4 |
Question for girls
| true | false | 0.83 | true |
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|
It's all part of the changes you're going through. The hormones change your moods and make you aware of more things.
|
I know you post your questions to girls but believe it or not this type of stuff is natural and no matter what you're feeling in your body don't let that Force you or get you to rush into doing anything that you're not ready for because your body can be ready for something long before your emotionally ready for something so don't let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't feel that you are ready for okay and yes it is just your body doing its thing
| null | null |
(17m) is it normal for sex drive to be this high?
|
Puberty
|
117vymx
| 11 |
Question for guys
| true | false | 0.92 | true |
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|
Dude I'm the same way it's cool. I go 3-5 times a day sometimes more. Everyone's bodies are different and need different things.
|
You are in the normal range for your age. There is no maximum limit for masturbation.
|
You are at the climax of your sexual peak. You'll be fine
|
Sounds normal tbh I’m the same way as well
|
Any tips on shaving?
|
Puberty
|
117s48h
| 2 |
Question for guys
| true | true | 0.75 | true |
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|
I shave in the shower. Pull the skin tight and go slow and steady. You can use body wash or shaving cream.
|
Trim your hairs first. Get it down down as much as you can without clipping the skin.
Get a large bowl and fill it with warm water. Get a washcloth and soak it with warm water too. Get a non-scented moisturizer if you can. Sit on the bathroom floor with your back on the wall.
- Soak your scrote with the washcloth
- Use moisturizer on your scrote
- Pull your scrote tight and [shave with the grain of hair](http://www.asharperrazor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/shaving_directions.jpg)
- Wash your razor off after two or three shave passes
- Reapply moisturizer as needed while shaving
You want to be comfortable while doing this so you can focus all your movements on your scrote. Also, you could shave against the grain AFTER shaving with the grain, but make sure you are pulling your scrote tight and flat when you shave against the grain. Do not apply downward pressure with the razor.
Be especially mindful of your [scrote line](http://www.asharperrazor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/shaving_directions.jpg). This is where you’ll have more of a skin edge that razors can easily slice into. I would only shave in an upward direction (from your ass upwards) in that area.
|
Get a fresh razor. If you have a tub, could help to sit in a hot bath. Try not to go over the same areas too many times, so idk recommend trimming down the hair as much as you can first
|
Don’t shave
|
F - Can too much masturbation harm me?
|
Puberty
|
1170k69
| 1 |
Question
| true | false | 0.6 | true |
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|
F 16, no! It's ok. As long as it doesn't interfere with your life (like skipping school for it, prioritizing it over family, friends and other important things, etc..)
|
Nah don't worry. Just make sure it doesn't affect other areas of your life and to not watch too much porn and you're good. Many people masturbate daily, it's okay.
|
Don’t worry about it. Doing it daily is totally fine. There won’t be any negative effects from it. You can keep enjoying it, without any worries.
|
Can it harm you? No, no harm can come from orgasms. But it can impact your social life. Moderation is key. I known it can be fun. But other things come first (no pun intended).
|
(15m) why do I masturbate so much
|
Puberty
|
116go55
| 8 |
Question
| true | false | 0.84 | true |
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|
Cuz it feels good idk
|
I love these trolls, hey mods I blame this shit on you
|
If it is interfering with your ability to function in your daily life, then seek help. If it’s just something you like doing and does not seem to dictate any other part of your life, then it’s fine.
You will likely stop doing it so frequently when you finish puberty because your hormones will taper off eventually.
|
It's all the hormones from puberty, it does start to die down the later in your teens you get
|
How can I bring this up to my mom?
|
Puberty
|
1164jhl
| 12 |
Question
| true | false | 0.88 | true |
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|
Hey mum, can we go shopping for new clothes, I have outgrown my old ones
That way you leave it open for different types if clothes
|
Same thing last year. I waited to get to the store with her then told her I need a bigger size now. She goes why and I got embarrassed. I go um puberty. She said go pick what you want.
|
Be honest with your mom. Just tell her you new larger underwear. Their too tight.
|
You don’t even need to mention your package, just say you need new clothes because you’ve gotten bigger and your old ones aren’t fitting
|
Are you supposed to do laundry every time?
|
Puberty
|
115p76t
| 4 |
Question for girls
| true | false | 0.83 | true |
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|
F 16, second! Also depends on how wet you get
|
It’s likely not going to cause an infection or hygiene issue but ya, it will get dirty after a while. Obviously u throw ur underwear in the laundry but every so often throw whatever object you’re using in there as well.
|
If you leave your underwear on it’s probably not really a problem since you’re a girl. I sometimes hump a pillow until I cum in my underwear so I usually need to wash that.
| null |
Why do I feel inferior
|
Puberty
|
113438v
| 4 |
Question for guys
| true | false | 0.75 | true |
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|
I think your problem is not that much puberty related, more so about your mentality, maybe insecurity too.
Can't say much cuz I'm not an expert, but bro you gotta love yourself and stop comparibg yourself to others. You're beautiful, and that's it. Who doesn't like it is the inferior one
|
You are just fine. You need to accept that. Remember, girls develop more quickly than boys. A year from now you will have a whole new and different post here. Guaranteed!
|
you may have more body fat percentage (which isn’t a bad thing) if you work out and are healthy that’s what matters that just means that she has less so she looks more defined but it doesn’t say anything about strength (eddie hall for example doesn’t have insanely defined muscles because of his body fat percentage but he is very very strong)
|
You would know about a hormone deficiency. Moody, hair falling out, sex problems.
Sometimes it's just how you pack on muscle.
The US signs baseball players in other countries at 16 years old and a lot of times they talk about how he will physically mature. College American Football red shirts 18 year olds because they are a smaller size. Most guys bulk out past the age of 18. Girls also finish puberty sooner than guys.
|
Does facial hair
|
Puberty
|
111m79h
| 0 |
Question for guys
| true | false | 0.5 | true |
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|
Facial hair doesn't affect growth at all. It has nothing to do with how tall you'll be or how fast you'll grow. It's just another one of the things that begins now but it doesn't take away from anything else.
|
[deleted]
|
It's common to get a stray hair or a bit on the lip but things just come in at different times for everyone.
|
Thank you to everybody who replied to the post, I have be reassured that I won't stop growing
|
Why am I so productive?
|
Puberty
|
10zbo6e
| 2 |
Question
| true | false | 0.67 | true |
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|
I’m a bit confused with what your saying. Do you mean it in a way that sperm just seeps out your penis when you ejaculate instead of shooting out?
|
Precum production varies according to individuals. It's a natural lubricant. Some produce a lot, some don't .. that's life
| null | null |
15M Is it ok that I have not had a wet dream before?
|
Puberty
|
10yhez7
| 1 |
Question
| true | false | 0.6 | true |
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|
Wet dreams are usually experienced by guys who don't have ejaculation otherwise.
|
Nah, you don't have to ask the teacher. You're fine, since guys have them more rarely or almost at all. If you don't masturbate for a long while, or play with your junk before you go to bed and sleep on your stomach, the chances of it happening are much higher (personal experience)
|
If you ejaculate on a daily basis, which is a healthy and normal frequency, it’s doubtful you’ll have a wet dream. Be thankful, they’re messy.
| null |
Question about moodswings
|
Puberty
|
10xc5kv
| 2 |
Question
| true | false | 1 | true |
Everyone has their own unique traits and behaviors - and there's really a wide range of "normal." It's hard to determine if there's something concerning in a few sentences.
With that said, you want to be able regulate your emotions. That's controlling your thoughts, your body and your outward emotions. Of course, if you were to do that 100% you'd be a robot - so it's okay to be anxious on occasion, excitable and even sad. When you start to cycle through those emotions frequently, or without reason, that's when you want to look into some medical advice as to how to either learn to regulate your emotions or even get medicinal help.
If it is as you describe, I don't think it'd be a bad idea to talk to your parents about what's happening and how to talk to a professional about what you're feeling. It's better to learn these behaviors when you're younger than struggle through school, and your professional career later in life.
|
Seems normal! Life is tough
If you have an outlet to focus the back and forth through you might be able to not have the mood swings effect those friendships or whatever
| null | null | null |
Am I weird for not being into porn?(M14)
|
Puberty
|
10to376
| 3 |
Question
| true | false | 0.72 | true |
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|
Not at all. Porn is titillating for sure. But it is totally fake.
|
No
|
You're not weird. Lots of people don't watch it.
|
No
|
Is masturbation and porn good
|
Puberty
|
10soszb
| 4 |
Question
| true | false | 0.67 | true |
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|
Yes just don't do it in math class
|
So - the politically correct answer is No.
Most everyone (if not everyone) masturbates - or has masturbated. You do need to keep it under control, so that its not an addiction. Masturbating to porn is also very common, but be careful not to become addicted to porn either, as it will ultimately impact any relationships.
Sorry - there is no YES / NO answer - just alot of it depends - and we all have different needs.
|
Masturbation good, porn not so good.
|
Jerking off = Ok, depends on Horniness ig
Porn = ehhh IMO, shouldn’t be watched excessively
|
What age does puberty end?
|
Puberty
|
10qcege
| 1 |
Question
| true | false | 0.6 | true |
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|
It's different for everyone. Most commonly 18-21 - but other things like brain development continue on till 25 usually. And beard growth can take even longer than that to become really "full".
It's impossible to give you an accurate answer to this.
|
Honestly it’s just also very possible that you’re gonna be an adult with acne. Puberty does end differently for everyone and you’re most likely nearing the end at most in a two or three years. Your skincare routine might not even be the right one for you as everyone has different skin needs so just keep doing your best to learn what’s best for you
|
That's a lot in one question. In short, acne can be a genetic thing and not always heavily puberty driven. Asking a doctor can help with that. Facial hair can take a long time to really fill out, if ever. And being 18 you mostly like are done growing in height and all as you've alluded, so you're body will just keep maturing the features you already have for the next several years, till about early 20s. You're almost there, just gotta enjoy what your body gives you
|
There’s no age. The idea that puberty and age are synonymous is a myth. The year 18 comes from the average, now the old average, but most of the time doesn’t mean all of the time. The new average is around 20 years old, but even then, there are cases below and above that range where puberty stops. Like me. I started puberty a little bit before 15 and I’m 20 now, still going through the bulk of puberty around tanner stage 4.2. It’s pretty ridiculous honestly.
|
(15f) Is it inappropriate for nipples to show?
|
Puberty
|
10oqdeq
| 29 |
Question
| true | false | 0.96 | true |
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|
[deleted]
|
Sounds like you’re small busted, like I was. It’s not about appropriate or inappropriate, it’s about your comfort with others seeing you in that state. I grew up around nudists and nude beaches and resorts, so I am good with it. However, some people may stare and others may try to touch or assume because they can see your nipples they can take liberties.
|
if your comfortable, let them show!
|
Depends on who you are. Some folks are horrified at the thought of seeing a female's nipple, others believe they should be treated no differently than male nipples. If you're looking for my personal opinion, I've always believed the latter opinion; that nipples are nipples and regarding any body parts with horror or disgust is seriously old-fashioned, perverted and embarrassing.
|
why do i have no appetite at all?
|
Puberty
|
10ox7qm
| 4 |
Question
| true | false | 0.67 | true |
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|
Typically puberty will result in increased appetite because your body is growing but being depressed can cause decreased appetite.
|
Did this start recently?
|
Appetite isn't a constant, it can go up and down, tho I'd check with a doctor maybe if this keeps being something that lasts longer
|
Interesting question. I'll answer it here if don't mind. Dude it's up to you. I mean your both guys. And you both have morning like all of us.
|
How do I have a wet dream
|
Puberty
|
10ooll6
| 8 |
Question for guys
| true | false | 0.9 | true |
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|
Drink plenty of water
|
[deleted]
|
You could masturbate less but not everyone has wet dreams.
|
Look up lucid dreaming, you can learn to actively control your dreams.
|
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