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rick-and-morty-script

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Testicle Monster A:
Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies?
All Mortys:
Oh way to go, Rick.
All Summers:
Yeah Grampa, way to go.
All Ricks:
Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land.
Testicle Monster A:
Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on!
Testicle Monster A:
Exactly, because you're being obstinate.
Rick:
Yes, we're back, problem solved.
Summer:
Yes, we're back to our own time.
Morty:
Yes no more cats, no more cats, oh you did it, you fixed it.
Testicle Monster A:
Yeah, now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak ass time again.
Rick:
How long exactly do we have to wear these things? They're really embarassing.
Testicle Monster A:
Well since you're goin' to time prison, I'd say you can keep em on forever.
Summer:
Time prison?
Testicle Monster A:
Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen.
Summer:
You stole a time freezing crystal from testical monsters?
Rick:
I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!
Testicle Monster A:
Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Vet:
Hmm...
Beth:
Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure?
Jerry:
Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends.
Vet:
I guess that's the end of that.
Jerry:
We did it...
Testicle Monster A:
Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.
Morty:
Why are you doing this?
Testicle Monster A:
You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up.
Rick:
What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you?
Testicle Monster A:
You really think I'm that stupid?
Rick:
Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.
Testicle Monster A:
I cannot argue that.
Rick:
Ah, God, gross and weird!
Testicle Monster A:
Chris!
Testicle Monster A:
You killed my gun!
Rick:
Summer, Morty, take off your collars!
Testicle Monster A: