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rick-and-morty-script

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Good pitches, kids. I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
Mr. Goldenfold:
No longer will the insects have domain over surface world!
Beth:
Jerry, what the hell is happening?!
Jerry:
The galactic government collapsed.
Beth:
Are you okay?
Jerry:
Look, I-I'm not proud to share this, but the truth is, I just kept crawling, and it kept working. Oh, I'm glad you're okay. Are we ever going to stop paying for indulging your father? Our children, our planet, our jobs? Is there anything left to lose?
Beth:
Just each other, and I'll never let you go. And I'm so sorry I ever did this to us.
Rick:
Guess who dismantled the government?
Beth:
Please don't leave me again.
Rick:
I never will, baby.
Summer:
I was right. He turned himself in on purpose. It was all part of his plan!
Rick:
Jerry, is there any light beer left? It's insane what you miss in prison.
Jerry:
Um..okay. No. No, no, no. Foot down time.
Rick:
No, you're right. Where's the vodka?
Jerry:
Beth, it's him or me!
Rick:
Seems like you guys need some privacy. I'll, uh -- I'll be in the garage.
Rick:
What the fuck? Not cool, Jerry! A man's garage is his castle.
Beth:
Jerry's going to spend some time divorced.
Rick:
Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. I hope I had nothing to do with that.
Beth:
Oh, God, Dad, that is not your burden to bear. I feel terrible that I misjudged you. This is gonna be good for Jerry.
Rick:
For everybody.
Beth:
For everybody.
Beth:
I better tend to Jerry before he changes his mind and doesn't move out. I will leave you two to your adventures.
Summer:
Oh, my God. Nancy says they're drawing and quartering aliens in the school courtyard, and it technically counts as patriotism.
Morty:
Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my --
Rick:
Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty -- just you and me -- and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Morty:
Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Rick:
Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different -- no more Dad, Morty.
Morty:
Oh, geez.
Rick:
He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.
Morty:
Oh, fuck.
Rick:
I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home -
Morty:
Oh, man.
Rick:
- without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. Oh! I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom -