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rick-and-morty-script

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Morty:
Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?
Pickle Rick:
Flip the pickle over.
Morty:
What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something.
Pickle Rick:
Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge.
Morty:
And?
Pickle Rick:
And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?
Morty:
Was it?
Pickle Rick:
Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before
Morty:
Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
Pickle Rick:
I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.
Morty:
Well, can you move? Can you fly?
Pickle Rick:
I wouldn't be much of a pickle if I could.
Morty:
All right, well, do pickles live forever or --
Pickle Rick:
Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle.
Morty:
I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
Pickle Rick:
The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.
Beth:
Morty, we have to get going, or we're gonna be late. Where's your grandpa?
Pickle Rick:
Right here, sweetie. I'm a pickle!
Beth:
What?! Why would you -- Look, we're running late. We have to go.
Pickle Rick:
Where are you guys going?
Beth:
We have an appointment downtown that was set a week ago and agreed upon by everyone, including you.
Pickle Rick:
Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind. Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle. I mean, I don't know if I can, ooh, geez.
Morty:
Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
Beth:
Morty!
Pickle Rick:
It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.
Summer:
Can't you just turn yourself back into a human?
Pickle Rick:
Great question, Summer. The unfortunate answer is I did this to challenge myself. And it could take hours or even days before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form. But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me in a purse or a pocket, you know, if she really needs me to go.
Beth:
Nobody needs anything! Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?
Morty:
Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?
Pickle Rick:
Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.
Beth:
Enough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be late.
Pickle Rick:
W-w-what are you doing there, Beth? What are you doing there, sweetie?
Beth:
Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle full of liquid unrelated to your situation. How's that gonna help?
Pickle Rick: