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Lee had just committed an early morning robbery and had evaded the Police , or so he thought . Lee saw some dark figures in the misty fog . He looked closer and worked out the black silhouettes in the blanketed thick , foggy distance . They were Police officers ! He spun around and darted away from the speedy police officers . He heard them call for back - up and within seconds he was taken down by a police officer from in front of him . He managed to wriggle out of the officers ' grip , by now all the officers ' torches were on and what a bad move that was ! Lee was now able to see all the officers ' bodies and knock them all out with his bare fists . ' Punch ' there goes one ; ' punch ' there goes another . By now Lee had a clear bundle of officers ' approximately three meters in front of him . Lee now had no option other than hiding , one problem , nowhere to hide . Luckily , Lee found a Willow tree to hide under , but it had no leaves . Lee suddenly realised that that his position was no better than standing in front of them and darted away . By now all Lee could think about was the horrifying terror of the thought of being caught , but knew it was time to give up . Suddenly ' bang ' off went gun shots … It was a humid summers evening . People along the roads were painted in sweat . One road in particular stood out from all the others . Along the road trees lost their leaves like a snake shedding its skin . Snow blanketed either side of the strange road . A man wrapped in thick layers lurked in the shadows . Despite these multiple layers goose bumps lined the edge of his face . The hairs on the back of his neck went upright and a shiver went down his spine . No cars drove down this certain road as they all tried to avoid it . The further on he went the more cautious he became , as he soon realised that it was a never ending road . With every step he took it was echoed by another . He could hear the crunching of snow beneath his black boots . The man wasn 't sure whether to turn around or whether it was all a hallucination . Slowly he turned around moving only a fraction of his head at a time . Behind him a silhouette leapt onto him clawing at his pale face . Seconds later he lay unconscious with patches of red snow around him . 1st February 2014 at 6 : 56 pm Reply Snowy , foggy , cold , wet trees , paths , walking people , these are all things that remind me of winter at center parks . Kids skidding along the slipery slidy ice that was slowly melting . Adults chatting happily while walking along the path . Then I , just walking with hands in my warm pockets , the scarf round my neck nearly strangling me . I like it here but I especially like it with my family , it 's the first time I have ever been here on my own . I 'm grown up now I shouldn 't be scared any more . I 'm looking for the gigantic building , so I can go swimming and go on water rides . I 'm nearly lost ; suddenly I remembered I 've been here many times so I should remember my way round . Out of the foggy gloom a big curly building came in sight . There was a spiny ride , that must be cold , then suddenly there was a rapid . People were screaming like they had seen a ghost as they came down it , then I felt a shiver going up my back like a thunder bolt . My phone started ringing I couldn 't be bothered to answer it because I was too excited about all the rides . So it carried on going ring ring , ring ring , finally it stopped . I went inside and got changed . What should I go on first ? The rapid ? I was in my warm , cozy cottage at the end of the long , winding hallway in the biggest , coldest room in the house . I looked out of the small window to see what the weather was like , however it was London , it was dark , gloomy and misty . I wished I could play outside . " Mama , can I go outside to play ? " I asked . I was cranky that night I went straight to bed and didn 't get out until I heard my mum fast asleep . I had a plan to creep out to my friend 's house . I got out of bed quickly and quietly and tiptoed down the corridor and skipped out of the house . I wasn 't wearing any shoes so I could feel the frosty grass beneath my feet . The icy , cold air was pushing against my stiff face . I ran on to the rough , concreted road . I grabbed my bike from the garage and headed for Barons Way . It wasn 't long before I got to the tall , red house . My friend 's bedroom window was wide open , I decided to throw some pebbles up so she would wake up . She looked out of the window and she looked shocked . Amy was her name . We had fun , too much fun . We were so loud that Amy 's mum heard us and came into the room and she saw me she flew up in rage . She called my mum who was surprised to hear that too . I was terrified around all the angry people and I think Amy was too . After that terrifying night I was grounded from television and playing with my friends . The End 2nd February 2014 at 6 : 10 pm Reply After a brilliant time sledging , Robbie and his annoying older sister , along with their fluffy doge Rover , were walking home . The wind was whistling , when Rover leaped out of his lead . Quickly , Robbie and Caroline raced through the misty fog . " Rover , here boy , " they both shouted . It dawned on them they had to split up . " Meet me here in a hour ! " Caroline ordered . The silky snow was falling . He searched and searched , Rover was nowhere . Ahead he saw a giant , leaning oak tree , suffering from the sub - zero temperates . Nestled up in a ball was Rover . Robbie 's eyes lit up with delight . And hour had almost passed so he ventured through snow to where Caroline had told him to go . Caroline wasn 't there , know Robbie was anxious . What about all the enjoyable times they had . Out of the mist came a black silhouette . As the figure approached Robbie was more apprehensive . Alarm bells and sirens were wailing , his heart pressure was dangerously high . 2nd February 2014 at 6 : 22 pm Reply One crisp , snowy , winters afternoon , my family and I were driving through the National Trust estate to get to the burial grounds of Sutton Hoo . Abruptly , a mist descended down onto us . It was as obstinate as a mule and would not lift from the road . The air became cold and damp . A shiver ran down my spine and I got a terrible sense of foreboding . A figure appeared out of the dank , dark , gloomy mist . It stood like a single solitary statue , deathly white with a battle hardened murderous face . It 's clothes were tattered and blood stained , and in it 's right hand was a wicked looking , long , twin headed battle axe ! My blood ran cold ! As swift as a hawk it charged out of the gloom waving the axe menacingly above it 's head , screaming it 's ghostly war cry . We closed our eyes expecting to die where we sat , but nothing happened . All of a sudden warmth unexpectedly kissed our cheeks and sunbeams danced across our vision . Upon opening our eyes the day was clear with no sign of our ghostly attacker . Shakily we carried on with our journey unsure of what had just happened . As Teresa stepped outside she felt the cold really badly . " Mum , it is freezing out here . Come and and feel how cold it is , " said Teresa . Suddenly , thick fluffy flakes of snow started falling quickly , as Teresa was halfway through her walk , and so she had to run home with Toffee . After an hour , Teresa had warmed up , and so when Dad came home from work , she was able to go outside with him and Toffee to have an exciting snowball fight . Bolu 2nd February 2014 at 7 : 16 pm Reply One snowy and foggy , windy winters morning , in the freezing air ; there was a man called Harry jogging through Gorky park . While he was jogging , two mysterious men came out of nowhere and beat him up until he was unconscious . They also stole his wallet , phone , car keys and house keys . Before they ran away , they stuck a strange note on his left shoe . Two hours later , Harry woke up in pains and found himself lying down in the pure , white snow , still in Gorky park . Nobody had helped him . Harry saw loads of cuts and bruises on his body so he ran to the hospital as fast as his skinny legs could carry him . After a while , Harry strolled back to Gorky park . While he was walking , he tripped up on a clumsy stick . Then he realised that he had an odd note on his left shoe . He took the note off his shoe and read it aloud , It said : if you want every thing that we stole from you back , you must play a game of cards with me . If you win , I will give you every thing back ; if I win , you have to be my slave for the rest of your life . Meet me at the entrance of Blossom Mall at 6 : 30am . 2nd February 2014 at 8 : 44 pm Reply It was all my fault . Why did I do it ? I will regret it for the rest of my life . It was a damp , foggy , dark winters day . As usuall , my dad had to go to an important meeting at work . My dad had promised me we would spend the evening together but adults never keep their promises . I was really angry because it was a long time since we had an evening were we spent time together . My dad never had any time to spend with me but there are special ocations where he does and I treasure those moments . My dad came into the living room where he found me sitting on the coutch and asked where his keys were , I didn 't bother helping him to find they keys ( deep inside me a part of me did and I should have helped out ) I realised I was sitting on them but didn 't say anything . Unfourtently , he found my mums keys wich were lying around on the dinner table , these keys were the keys to an old , rusty peice of junk . My mum had just started to drive so my dad bought her a fourth hand car . He grabbed the keys and said good - bye but I didn 't reply . All the anger inside me was boiling up in my stomach , he could see that I was upset and said sorry . I didn 't care whatever he thought because I knew he didn 't care about me one single bit . I called him a liar but he only said that it was not the right time to argue now and he was late for an " important " meeting . What could be more important than your own son ? He rushed to the hall to put on his shoes and a cold tear trickled down my cheek but my dad didn 't see . He grabbed the umbrella and slammed the door behind him , not that he was angry but he was in a rush . He got into the car and turned the headlights on , not realising only one was working . He pressed hard on the gas and clutch moving the gear to four . He tried to shortcut but it was a bad move . The road hill he went on was wet , steep and icy . My dad didnt realise and accselarated to gear five . The road was long and steep . He suddently lost control of the car , he slammed hard on the brakes but they didn 't work ! The car was old and rusty . The car toppled over three times and slammed into a giant tree . He lay there without a seat belt in the car , upside down , unconscious , dead . His blood socked into is white shirt , the shirt he said was " lucky " . There are many reasons why my dad died , but the main reason was because I knew where the keys were and I wasted time not telling him that I was sitting on them . I was only 12 and there where many other days where I could spend with my father . It was all my fault . WhGrace Once , there was a fog man ( James ) who lived with his elderly parents in a home . He had no education whatsoever . His parents did not want him to live without a job so they decided to kick him out of their house . He went to a park and decided this was the safe place he was going to stay until he could give himself education . As it was the winter period , James found various ways to keep himself comfortable and warm . When it was foggy , people passed him and started to laugh at him and call him the fog man . ' The fog man ' pretended not to be noticed . He was stuck in the foggy , misty air and the crunchy , cold snow . Where could he go to next ? Then the man came closer and the fog man saw that it was a plump , round man who was rather small . He had pink cheeks ( the fog man did not know whether it was because of the cold or he just had them naturally ) and a round , shiny head with a red cap decorated with reindeers . He was carrying a rather large camera covered with frost . So the photographer taught the fog man everything about photos . The photographer also taught him the education he could never get . The fog man finally became a photographer and got lots of money and enough to buy a new house . This story i remember well . It started one gloomy and snowy day in Canada . The mist blew in my face as my hair danced quickly to the rythem of the whistling wind . The trees towered tenaciously over me enclosing the snow inside . My first concern was nobody was there , that 's when i knew something was wrong . I turned back . Fog covering my footprints and blankets of snow making it difficult to walk . Suddenly , i heard a rustle in the distance . My eyes pierced round like a dart . All i could see was icicles hanging intrepidly off the trees . My feet were frozen when i saw smething shoot out of the bush , and appear in the distance . The black figure stated to move siwftly towards me . I knew it was a bad sign … . . The fog was enveloping in with every step he took . He swerved similtaneously to the left then right while i stumbled hardly on the ground . He lured closer now with every shuffle i moved back . I stared up to the sky when my vision went blurred it was him ! As my hands searched frantically for a gap to get out of he came closer to my eyes . In an instant second the man dived onto me but he was to late i had found what i had been looking for . 6th February 2014 at 4 : 41 pm Reply It was an early December morning and it was as dark as a gloomy night sky outside . Pete the young tramp who seeks shelter hour by hour in the areaway strolling grumpily along the public foot path . The tall bare trees were swaying slowly on this cold morn . Pete was not feeling miserable and lonely and started to look for shelter along a different road . He could just make out the figures of two other tramps walking towards him . Their clothes were as dirty as a pig rolling in mud . They were looking for somewhere dry and warm to sleep . In the year 1526 lived two enemies , one know as King George and the other King Charles , the two kings hated each other and wanted to take over each other 's land and kingdom . But the two daughters really liked each other , and were good friends , no one really knew that they were friends , and therefore King George declared war . Anne , King George 's daughter , and Victoria , King Charles daughter , wept into tears that they might never see each other again . The two of them communicated through secret telegrams that a really well - paid messenger would deliver across . After two weeks of preparation King George had his battalion ready and so did King Charles , the war was proclaimed to start during midday , the soldiers had canons , bows and arrows , daggers and chain tops to be protected including helmets . The battle was on , it seemed like this war would never end , meanwhile at the two grand , lavish palace 's were Anne and Victoria wishing it would end soon . The lush green grass and trees were covered in people and it looked like a deserted island where only two people stood with two brave horses . The air was just mist and full of smoke from canons and as the day grew dark the harder it was to see in an opaque place . Soon the two kings were tired of fighting for there kingdom and decided to share the land and kingdom and bring back peace to the country of England in York . When Anne and Victoria found out they were thrilled as a result of this enjoyable news the two kings held a celebration for the peace in their country . ' On Friday the thirteenth of September , a mysterious murder was commited on Waterloo Road . Detectives and policeman are trying their best to solve this suspicious crime , futhermore , the only clue to this scene is a blood - red , ruby ring …… . . ' as I read these words I felt guilty . I killed someone . I am RedRum . The murderer …… It all started on the freezing , chilly morning of a winters day , where I felt delighted to be greeted by my whole family ! I always wore a gloomy , black hoddie , ( even when I was asleep ! ) I walked downstairs to be surprised and as usual I jumped , but this time something changed . There seemed to be an echo , a long , ever - lasting echo . It was so loud it moved the furniture all the way to the back of the wall ! I was as astonished as my family were . My Sister , Missy , screamed and moaned loudly , " I can 't hear anything ! Arrrrgggghhh ! Help me ! I 'm deaf ! " We quickly took her to the hospital , well , at least , without me . My family were too scared of me now , therefore I was scared of myself … . This was one of the first signs of my dangerous abilities . This kept on happening day upon day . So soon , my Mother reccommmended a trip to the facility . They said that my results were unrecognisable and come back in a week if it kept on happening . They would say that every week . My Mum couldn 't handle the extreme pressure of air . My Father soon kicked me out of what now seemed like a broken house . I was only fifteen . I used my strengths to get a cosy home for myself and food of my choice . I soon became lonely and went to go find a friendly roommate . That was the biggest mistake I had ever made . ( Even worse than the first one ! ) When people learnt about my force it would send them crying . Many years later , I was never invited to my Mothers funeral , nevertheless I did cry at her gravestone after the ceremony was held ; I left her favorite flowers , sky blue roses , and her lucky charm , however I kept the charm because it was my only memory of her kindness and caring helpfullness around me . A blood - red diamond ring …… I soon learnt that my power was not only for help but it could seriously harm people . I learnt this the hard way ; I went to my friends house that I met through a internet survey , sadly I crushed her and her poor family to pieces … I was incongruous . Quick , I had to escape before their neighbours find out that they had gone ! Hopefully they won 't notice because of the heavy snow blocking the veiw of the window . I rushed straight to the window . It was about thirty foot high ! That was my only chance , my only hope and I could already hear the police sirens whirrling down mainstream ! I took a heavy deep breath and soon enough I was in a misty , snowy alley way with a slippery road leading to nowhere . As the biting , striking wind gusted at my face , the bare trees were madly being swept from side to side . That was when I noticed four black silhouettes coming towards me . Who were they ? Why were they down this gloomy alleyway ? That was when I saw that the fog had lifted and the silhouettes had mysteriously gone ! Then I saw a terrifying , horrifying sign printed on the wall ' Redrum . ' I figured out in my head that Redrum backwards was Murder … . Strangely , it had only attracted men in suits to the streets . Not because of the snow but because of a robbery . The local bank had been burgled by a gang of men . There were spies everywhere trying to catch the criminal 's . BANG ! ! ! A bullet flew forwards missing a criminal by a millimetre rapidly flying into an old , abandoned factory exploding on the wall . Suddenly , the criminals walked through the park where the agents and spies stood . A fight had begun . Relentlessly , the agents and spies determinedly fired bullets ending the fight and the park was quiet once again . As the ghostly mist descended into the icy village of Samoen , France I waded into the soft and slushy snow . The dark oak trees hung over me like mystical phantoms . Snow Up ahead I saw a faint outline of a man , he had something jagged and pointed hanging from his belt . The shadow got closer . I was nervous and petrified . I turned on my heels and ran for my dear life . I glanced over my shoulder and the ghostly figure had vanished ! I faced forward , and there he was , his red eyes glaring at me . I felt like this would be the last thing I ever saw … When I got to Hyde park it had got very misty . With Scout extremely close to my side we strolled along a bit more . There were snowy benches and lamp posts , ( although you couldn 't see them because of the mist ) . When I turned a steep corner I could hear , the ringa - ding - ding of the bike bells . While my face , nose and ears were freezing , my eyes were focussing on the path ahead . The sound of traffic was getting quieter and quieter , the fog lights were getting dimmer and dimmer , the outlines of the shadows were fading in the blink of an eye . There was something mysterious emerging from the mist . My heart began to race . My legs shook . Scout growled a deep threatening rumble , her hackles raised . As we walked the leaves were falling off the trees . I could hear the swings squeaking in the distance and the shops were closing for the day . I was glad of Hollie 's company as the darkness closed in around us . All the while , I didn 't have a clue that the genderless silhouette I was filming was the world 's deadliest , most dangerous thief of all time … Cat Master ! I also had no idea that he 'd just robbed the Kremlin of all its valuables . That night , I was listening to the news , when I heard that Cat Master had robbed the Kremlin ! Suddenly I realized that the silhouette I 'd been filming that day was Cat Master ! I grabbed my camera , darted to my car and raced off to show the evidence to the police . The police took the evidence with extreme pleasure , but not any old pleasure , real pleasure . As a reward the police gave me * ₱ 57061672 . 00 ( £ 1 , 000 , 000 ) to enjoy . Down snow ! " shouted John . John was going to the shop on a misty snowy day . He needed to get bread , butter and some milk . But manly all of the shops have run out of bread , butter and milk . When he found all the stuff he needed he went to go back home . When he went back home he put up his umbrella and when he put it up … he flew away because the wind hard a hard push ! He held on with all his might to not fall but when he held on he went to another island ! John knew what to do . He had to survive , luckily he had some wood , some food and plants on the island , and he made a little shelter out of some big branches . He picked up some coconuts to eat as well as some strawberries . 10th February 2014 at 5 : 06 pm Reply It was a cold , frosty morning , school was cancelled and the railway track wasn 't running . I woke up inside my house and looked outside , all I could see was snow as white as a blanket and a strange man walking in the park . There was mist over every corner you take . I decided to go out . So I put on my wellies , hat , scarf and coat then I went downstairs and went down the street , there was the man who I saw through my window but no one seemed to notice him and I went over . I asked him what he was doing all on his own in the park but there was no answer , I asked him again , no reply but he whispered as quiet as a mouse into my ear . This was no ordinary comment , it seemed like he was a ghost so I sprinted like a gazelle back home and I started to worry . Was it a ghost or was it a figment of my imagination ? I am laying in my bed , on a dark misty night . I refused to go out and play with my friends , on this misty day . I 'm not sure if my friends are out either . There is no leaves on the trees ' and you can 't see ahead of you . Snow is everywhere around you , and up in the trees ' branches . I 'm looking out of the window now , and I can see the silhouettes of people slipping and sliding on the wet , slippery road . I giggled a bit , under my jumper , but luckily nobody spotted me under my jumper , giggling away . But now , watching all of them people slipping and sliding on the road , it looks so fun . So maybe for once I will go out and have FUN ! I raced down the stairs and slipped on my hat and scarf . My mum and dad said I was crazy deciding to go out in this weather , but I just ignored them and stormed outside . I was wearing my stripy hat with all the colours of the rainbows on it , my red thick woolly coat and my orange scarf . I started spinning around with my arms out in this magical wonderland . One snowy and foggy day , the fog blanketed everything like a padded quilt . I was running down the slippery street . The rain came down in a steady downpour of tears , spreading darkness and dampness . Suddenly , I felt a powerful wind that nearly knocked me off my feet . Then I glanced at some monsters and they were trying to mumble , " Get out of here , or else ! " I listen to them . So I ran as fast as my legs could carry me . Around me was blank white fog , hanging over the park and twisting the trees into monstrous shapes . I reached a wooden hunting lodge , which was set right in the heart of the park . I knocked on the door so hard that my hand hurt . I wasn 't sure who opened the door but that did not matter right now . So I entered the wooden lodge . The old man shouted cheerfully , " Sunrise ! " But when it did become sunrise , all the monsters vanished , like dust being blown away . " At last , " I shouted ! " I can enjoy my life now . " 13th February 2014 at 2 : 06 pm Reply One cold , foggy winter morning Michel came around my house for tea . We couldn 't go outside because the snow was up to our knees and so we were forced to stay inside . With nothing to do we dumbly stared out of the blurred window . Suddenly , something strange caught my eyes . A black hooded man struggled to feel himself through the strangling mist . Michel and I exchanged confused expressions . Who would be up at 7 . 00 in the morning in the mountain of snow ? Also the trains for work weren 't running and all the schools were closed . He was mysteriously moving towards the direction of the park … We grabbed our coats and wooly mittens and raced outdoors nearly knocking over my dad . The wind whispered its frozen words onto our cheeks . The mist was a blanket of silk covering the whole of Canada . In the mist each sound of the owl and animals was muffled and so created an eerie silence . Everything was so quiet . All we could hear was the sound of our own heartbeat and phehaps the wind swirling the trees above us . Everything was a scene of brilliant silver . I took my time to observe this strange man . His brow was creased and his cheeks and nose red from walking in the freezing cold . I noticed a stash of gold in his right pocket and jewels in the other . I found this peculiar as he wasn 't anybody I knew from TV or on the news . We followed the man through forests of trees and greenery until he came to an abrupt stop . He peered around narrowly missing us and took out the gold . We heard oohs and ahhs from all over the clearing . Black men emerged from their hiding places . " Stop ! " he shouted . " I shall bury these goods , safe from any harm . " And with that he turned and ran . Luckily Michel had snatched his phone and dialled 999 . As soon as the police arrived we showed them all the gold that was stolen . Through that week our pictures were in all the newspapers you could imagine . There we were . Heroes . 17th February 2014 at 1 : 57 pm Reply One day , my family and me decided to go out and have a walk through the park . It was a misty morning with the songbirds all around us singing and the grey clouds flying by in the drizzly sky . Meanwhile in the park , you couldn 't see nothing , not even the benches which were scattered around the whole area . The gigantic trees formed a huge path to follow , which eventually led to an open field covered in glistening frost . Their branches were fertile with lushes green leaves , which swayed in the light breeze while dripping water . Just as I was gazing high up in the murky sky , a sharp movement caught the edge of my eye . Ahead of me were some men , which were huddling around a tiny boy who was frightened . I thought to myself , " How can they do this ? " I was worried , what if they murder him . Rushing to help , my mum and I slowly but steadily approached the strangers . When we got close enough , my mum suddenly took out her phone and rang the police . It wasn 't very long before they came and soon the murders were taken to jail and locked up for five whole years ! Everybody was safe . YIPPEE ! Just then he saw to shadows of people walking towards him . As they came closer Jack realised it was mum and dad . He rushed towards them with tears gushing out of his eyes . One dark misty day , a young , little boy skipped along the dainty path delivering newspapers to the neighbourhood . He had just taken a break , when he saw a very mysterious man with an odd hat , limping forwards to buy a paper . The young boy thought he recognised the face and took a look in the news . There was a perfect description matching the man he saw , the newspaper said a dangerous criminal had stolen the crown jewels . With a limping leg and an odd hat ! The boy looked sharply around gasping as he had let a thief get away , though he was nowhere to be seen . Thick mist had covered the town with darkness . He just caught sight in the corner of his eye an odd hat ! The boy saw him running awkwardly out of the bank with two huge bags . The criminal barged his way through the crown charging like a bull . The little boy sprinted after him fighting through the crowd like a warrior . He dived desperately hoping to grab his leg but tipped him right over like some skittles . Everyone crowded round and let the police know about the criminal . The boy enjoyed handing out the papers the next day because he was on the front page of the daily mail and he knew that , that was only the beginning . 8th March 2014 at 2 : 10 pm Reply One winter 's foggy morning , I looked out of my transparent window to then realise it was snowing and that the trees were completely bare . I wondered how my dad would feel because he walks to work and the weather was not exactly pleasant at all . As I peeked past the leafless trees , I saw one which was very peculiar indeed . Despite the fact it was winter , this tree had bright , blood - red leaves , unlike the bare ones around it . Now this puzzled me . I also noticed a man , witha few people walking in front , just walk straight past this mysterious tree , not even taking it into consideration . When I looked above the people I saw a blinding light shining from what seemed to be a bird . This definitely made me think . I wondered and wondered … A floating ring sprung suddenly into sight , I was absolutely astonished , I felt like fainting ! It was an angel ! Just as I was sprinting down a dark and gloomy path , a sinister figure immobilized me in my tracks . All of a sudden , it evaporated into the mist , out of sight . Again the eerie figure emerged from the shadows and was coming up to me but then I realized it was the eternal soul of the victim , David Beckham . Now it was all clear . He had come back to haunt me in my dreams . I was petrified . The ethereal figure came closer and closer until , it vanished from sight . A wicked laugh came from the dim and misty air . Just then , a chief police officer started screaming ; Charge ! Immediately , a rush of policemen charged straight at me in all different directions . I was trapped . When they jumped on me , an unlikely escape route appeared underneath the legs of one of the policemen . I didn 't bother to escape though because I knew I was surrounded . A bullet from a chattering gun shot off in my direction … 7th May 2014 at 3 : 49 pm Reply It was an early December morning , the twinkling icicles were glistening in the sunlight . All the local tramps were having to face the painstaking task of finding a place to sleep . Pete was a young tramp , he spent every hour , every day searching for a warm place for him and his family to sleep . He was strolling grumpily along the cobbled path . The snow was falling rapidly onto the frosty grass . It was as cold and bitter as the North Pole outside . Pete could barely feel his hands . He was trembling all over . Pete felt as if it was ridiculous looking for a home in this town , nobody would help him . He had nowhere to go so he decided to leave and search for somewhere to sleep elsewhere . As he left he could just make out the figures of two jaded tramps walking towards him . They were extremely tall and dirty . As they walked nearer Pete mumbled to them " I wouldn 't search here . It 's hopeless " . The grumpy tramps followed Pete to Cooky Street and they where never seen again . 7th May 2014 at 6 : 21 pm Reply It was a cold and foggy winter 's day . Steve was out walking his dog Betty , when , suddenly , he heard a strange sound . It started off as a little mumble but then as Steve stopped for a moment looked at his watch and then carried on walking the sound got louder and louder and louder and louder . It was more like a groan now and it was as if it came from under the ground . Betty then started to dig and whine at the grass . Steve pulled Betty by the lead and carried on walking on the brown and orange leaf covered path biting his nails in fright . While he carried on , walking briskly he realised that the noise was getting fainter and fainter . So he went back to where he heard it first . Then he realised that he was standing over the banks basement and he thought there might be a robbery . So Steve called 999 just in case , and before he knew it , the whirring of the sirens came and the police phoned the manager of the bank to open it up so the bank could stay in one piece . 28th June 2014 at 5 : 39 pm Reply One vague , conspicuous day Jack was wondering in the park . Secretly he was a policeman . However , he was not wearing his suit because he was on a mission to see any criminals . Behind him there were three boys ' slim bodies with muscular arms and legs they were scurrilous , valiant . They had money in their pockets and one of them had a Jack wondered how they could have so much money . " Excuse me , you boys ! " Jack said . As soon as Jack was going to say something to the boys they started to run . Jack ran after the boys . He noticed money was coming out of their pockets . The wind swept across . Whoosh ! They reached a dead end . " Put your hands up ! " Demanded Jack . Slowly they put their hands in the air . Jack arrested the three boys for stealing money . 21st July 2014 at 1 : 18 pm Reply It was foggy day I stood neglected in the mist . Shadows shifted . Ghosts whispered incessantly . I kicked my way through the litter that he 'd been strewn across the floor amidst the mist . Swirling spirits hid in the mist . The trees felt gloomy ; life was dull . 2nd August 2014 at 9 : 42 am Reply I stumbled across the slippery floor . Blood streamed sluggishly down my weak leg . My heart was pounding as fast as lighting . I could see dim silhouettes in the distance . I beseeched for help . The silhouettes turned into beings . They picked me up powerfully and asked me what was the matter . Nothing dared to exit from my mouth . I could still hear loud screaming from where I was coming from . I begged the beings not to go there , however , they did not listen to me . I walked into the mist and soon I was no longer to be seen . The mist was as thick as clouds . Darkness drew as the sun said goodbye . 13th August 2014 at 2 : 25 pm Reply Walking alone on the slippery floor , tree branches hanging out like long arms reaching out to grab something . A cold , dead spirit following the man with a hint of wind brushing past him . A couple was walking the opposite direction that the man was walking in , the couple was looking at the man with a strange look like if something was wrong . The man was looking at a sign that said ' graveyard ahead ' so he kept on walking in that direction . The man walked past the graveyard , and a few seconds later the dead souls buried in the graves woke up from the dead and turned into deadly , possessed spirits and they spirits started creeping up and following the man . The couple that walked past before walked past again but two things were different about them . The first thing was their eyes were half green and had red and the second thing was the couple was POSSESSED by the deadly , possessed spirits . The couple and the spirits cam closer and closer and closer to the man and a few minuets that before the man even noticed he was a … One gusty and snowy winters morning , there were hardly any people on the deserted roads ! You could barely see 4 metres away from yourself . I was heading out to the office , when I realised that no buses were running ! I was beseeching for what other route to go take to get to the office . It was as cold as being in Antarctica … I pulled my bike out of my garden and rode vigorously to reach my destination . I was quite apprehensive that I would get to work late . I was ruminating about the consequences that would happen . This day had just become amazingly awful … As I reached my work door , checked the time , straightened my tie and opened the door as it slowly creaked … I was 3 whole hours late which meant that I had missed my deadlines . I had to face some deep consequences … 28th August 2014 at 6 : 26 pm Reply On a stormy , foggy night two teenagers were trying to find their way home . They saw a shady , suspicious looking man sitting on an old , brown bench . The older teenager 's name was Derek and the younger one was David . " Excuse me sir but we 're lost . Do you know where Blueberry Grove is ? " Derek questioned . There was no answer . Then he asked again . Still no answer . David then touched the man on the shoulder and he disappeared in a misty manner ! 8th December 2014 at 7 : 01 pm Reply " Click ! Click ! Click " went the shatter of my camera , as I took pictures of the famous Gorky Park . " Click ! Click ! " All the while , I didn 't have a clue that the genderless silhouette I was filming was the world 's deadliest , most dangerous thief of all time … Cat Master ! I also had no idea that he 'd just robbed the Kremlin of all its valuables . That night , I was listening to the news , when I heard that Cat Master had robbed the Kremlin ! Suddenly , I realized why the silhouette 's pockets were overflowing with glinting things , it was Cat Master ! I grabbed my camera , darted to my car and raced off to show the evidence to the police . The police took the evidence with extreme pleasure , but not any old pleasure , real pleasure . As a reward the police gave me * ₱ 57061672 . 00 ( £ 1 , 000 , 000 ) to enjoy . In the dark , damp night , bullets of relentless and merciless rain crash down viciously to the grey ground . Curtains of icy rain pummel to the earth . Falling hastily , showers like a hammering downpour of tears pelt the tossing trees and beat the brilliant bushes . Melting chips of ice smash like glass when they precariously fall to the land . The rain drives along the deserted and desolate road like smoke . It arched down in stinging waves . Puddles jump to life surprisingly . 18th May 2015 at 4 : 00 pm Reply One cold frosty evening , a Christmas evening , a man went out for a walk when he heard something whining , lying there helplessly was a dog in a box under a snowy bush . The dog that was shivering ball of fluff . The man fell in love with it but was overcome with determination to find its owners . He stood their when he thought he could ask the rspca for help to make banners to find the puppies owner . The man couldn 't believe that know body had come to collect the little fellow . He was so cute and affectionate that the man started to think maybe he should adopt the pup . The pup was growing better now it had food and water when he wanted it . The man reckoned he would be ready for adoption in a few weeks . 19th May 2015 at 4 : 34 pm Reply One cold snowy night there was a man walking down the road with his head down looking at the rough path . The man 's name was Paul , Paul was just walking home from work , as Paul was walking he stepped on something hard , he gazed down observing the footpath as he picked up the object . He brushed the snow of it like a hover picking up rubbish . He examined the object carefully , it was a £ 2 coin . He put it in his pocket and continued his journey home , on the way he met a kind old man who was on the street sitting down in despair . Paul said kindly to him " What 's the matter with you sir ? " Remembering the coin in his pocket Paul took it out and gave it to the old man , the man thanked him and Paul kept on going . Then suddenly Paul saw a bird brawling all over the place . He went to go help it but saw its wing was broken so he picked it up like a crane picking up its cargo . Once he finally arrived home he put his hand on the door and it flew open , he went inside to look for his family so he went to the lounge to find a surprise party waiting for him ! Paul was so surprised that even the bird squawked as loud as a mega phone . So in the end the bird got well again and it went to its family and now Paul is more popular in his street because turns out the man was a rich man and owned a company which supplies resources for helping the Queen , so everyone in the story lived happily ever after . One misty , chilly evening when coming home from her friends Alexander Churpy went down a thought to be safe back route when all of a sudden she started moving and fell over , frightened she sat there and didn 't move because she thought there was an earthquake , when she stopped moving eventually she got up and as fast as a cheetah she ran home . when she got home she was that petrified she couldn 't get her words out " whats wrong Alexander tell me " asked mum " the road it moved " replied Alexander " no it didn 't don 't lie … wait what road " asked mum " mmm blackberry lane " " oh that lane yeah that ones magic " " cool why didn 't you tell me before . " So Alexander and her mum sat down with a nice cup of hot chocolate and mum said " we were round about your age when one day my friends and I were walking down Blackberry lane when a struck of lightning struck the ground , and it went BANG we all screamed in fright , then all of a sudden we started moving even the floor was moving " " WOW that 's cool how did it feel " asked Alexander " It was quite scary to be honest we all ran to grandma for help " " what did she do " " well she called the police when they had a look they saw some sort of bright light so they dug up the road and when they looked they saw a magic orbe that couldn 't be removed from they foundation it was basically glued to the ground . So that 's why the road still moves about " " cool " so from that day forward Alexander never went down there just in case . 1st June 2015 at 8 : 24 am Reply One cold frosty evening , a crisp quiet Christmas evening , when the fields were covered in a blanket of snow , a man went out for a walk . As he walked he heard something whining . There lying helpless was a dog in a box under a small , shining , snowy bush . The dog was a shivering ball of fluff . The man fell in love with it but was overcome with determination to find its owners . As he stood there he thought he could ask the RSPCA for help to make banners to find the puppy 's owner . The man couldn 't believe that nobody had come to collect the little fellow . He was so cute and affectionate that the man started to think maybe he should adopt the pup . The pup was growing better now it had food and water when he wanted it . The man reckoned he would be ready for adoption in a few weeks . Finally he took him home and helped the pup to trust again . The dogs name was Rolly . This mans actions showed just how kind he is . Do you think you could be as kind as this ? In the dark , damp night , bullets of relentless and merciless rain crash down viciously to the grey ground . Curtains of icy rain pummel to the earth . Falling hastily , showers like a hammering downpour of tears pelt the tossing trees and beat the brilliant bushes . Melting chips of ice smash like glass when they precariously fall to the land . The rain drives along the deserted and desolate road like smoke . It arched down in stinging waves . Puddles jump to life surprisingly . 27th June 2015 at 9 : 26 am Reply Bright happiness floated in the air and birds tweeted in the silent park . Trees swayed in the wind but all of a sudden , they were dead . Mist surrounded me like an army of soldiers and there was no life , only death . Strange voices whispered in my ears and new shadows emerged . This was not right , there was a problem . A raging darkness contained pitch black and I was bewildered of these strange actions . I was horrified of this tragic event and every beautiful thing was disintegrated into a million pieces of mind - melting misery . 4th July 2015 at 7 : 54 am Reply I was staggering through the sleeping city , and an annoying thought was pushing my nerves to anger : " You 're never going to get home , never ! " As it irritated me , tears trickled down my cheeks but were quickly carried away by the forceful wind , then probably turned into icicles . I battled the gale in despair , and could see nothing through the misty fog . Although I couldn 't hear the snow crunching I knew my feet were still there , frozen and exhausted . The wicked wind whizzed and bit me every moment it could . Feeble , I was wondering was it worth carrying on or wouldn 't I reach home anyway ? . . 25th July 2015 at 10 : 00 am Reply Readers , the story I am about to tell you is a spine - chilling , yet funny , story from my collections of tales that I write myself . Do not read this whilst standing up because you might fall over from shock or laughter and may badly injure yourselves . You have been warned . It was a cold December 's evening and there were no lights to guide people around the local village , Newberry . Mist swirled around folks ' heads and enveloped them completely . Not everybody dared to go out on this night because it was said if you went out on any night in December , the ghosts of your enemies would come out and take you back to their old , forgotten graves . There was a brave , daring girl called Kimberley Wyatt and she didn 't believe in the stories that her elder brothers told her night after night . They didn 't scare her one little bit . On this particular night , Kimberley was out striding in her fur trimmed winter coat and kicked the snow with her thick winter boots . She wasn 't out alone . Her brothers , Rylan and Sam , had come out with her to make sure the ghosts didn 't capture her . Suddenly , Sam heard the sound of wailing . He charged towards the light of the lamppost , pulling Rylan with him . " I think … . The … . Ghost is . . coming … to get … us ! " he shouted . Two figures were calmly floating in the direction of Kimberley . She stood still , frozen in shock . As soon as the faces of the people , or ghosts , emerged from their hoods , Kimberley realized that it was just mum and dad coming to take them home for tea . Rylan and Sam didn 't stop laughing and Kimberley told them she wouldn 't help out with their homework if they carried on . 18th August 2015 at 3 : 48 pm Reply The thick , crisp , air formed a shower of frozen rain leaving crunching snow . Slowly , a melancholy , misty cloud drifted above our heads . Soft delicate snowflakes darted down towards the pure , white ground . Thick fog assembled , making it hard to see . Children thundered outsider . Soon after , furious , crunchy balls of thick , white snow were flying across the crowded streets . 4th August 2016 at 12 : 37 pm Reply An old man approached me in the mist . He looked incredibly angry ; his beady direct eyes piercing in the direction that I stood , cowering . This ferocious fiend was as mean as a demon - his ancient aggression growing inside him , devouring him alive … There he stood , as silent as a mouse . Complete eeriness had emerged . Shortly afterwards , a continuous huff that showed his displeasure came . Grating grunting sounds emanating from his body had appeared - it was a nightmare . His reptilian scaly skin and his scent , like a repugnant rat , were becoming unable to endure . Cold , shivering sensations consumed any hope I had . His teeth were as cracked and wonky as tombstones in a graveyard . His bristly moustache wept beads of sweat like tears from a baby . His trusted walking stick marched swiftly like an obedient soldier . I could already taste the bitter flavour , like coffee , of him . He was a dirty dustbin . Repulsive as ever . He was dry and rough to touch as an old shipwreck . Have YOU ever crossed paths with such an abomination of a man ? 16th January 2017 at 7 : 59 pm Reply It just happened to be when I was walking to my cosy home from boring , old school when I decided to take the luminous long way home . I was halfway through the wildlife forest when … SUDDENLY … the soft , white , cuddly clouds turned into grey , colourless clouds . The vivid , blue sky turned into a miserable , dull , black sky . My heart started to beat louder and faster … beat … Beat … BEAT . A colossal bunch of scary , ferocious animals came running out . It was worse than doing loads of homework in one night . The trees rustled their leaves , the strong wind ripped the long , green grass out of the ground . It was like being in a terrifying nightmare ! In fact it was worse than being in a terrifying nightmare ! I closed my small eyes and tried to wake up but it did not work . I opened my eyes and the next thing I knew , I was gone , I couldn 't feel a thing , I wasn 't breathing … I was dead … 3rd February 2017 at 5 : 26 pm Reply There it was , the overloaded fog encompassing the trees and road . Our car was as still as a dead rat . It had run out of petrol and it was scary because our car was the only car appearing on the road . In fact it was spine chilling with the trees moving their hands about . But soon something in the distance was much scarier than the moving trees . It was moving towards us . The frightening figure was now in front of us . There was fire in his eyes , staring at us , pointing a gun straight to my head . All of a sudden the car started up and dad zoomed and crushed the man , driving over him back and forth until he was dead . Luckily the fog had now cleared up and we safely drove back home . 4th March 2017 at 4 : 24 pm Reply Fluorescent yellow lines stood before me ; tress swayed solemnly like ghostly figures . It was as if I was lost forever . Bewildered , I found myself in the middle of the road surrounded by trees , that were a welcoming tunnel . I stood breathlessly , gazed cautiously , whoosh the wind pushed me to the floor . A deafening silence filled the atmosphere . I gasped , when suddenly . a figure charged at me . My heart was pounding in my mouth , beads of sweat poured down my shocked face . Was this the end of me ? 5th March 2017 at 8 : 21 pm Reply Gradually , the illuminous , vivid orb arose from the mist of the night as smoky , colourless clouds lurked , sheepishly in the atmosphere while , lifeless trees whispered to one another , quietly ( Which is the sound everyone tries to avoid . ) Luckily , the overloading fog was encompassing the environment so , I couldn 't see the surprise standing right in front of me . I knew that dark death doomed as well as threatened to take my life furthermore , I kept on going to my destination that didn 't seem to be there anymore . It was just a road of endless woodland and pathways . Realising , the witches fingers what hung above my torso , looked like coallsal , exorbitant in size skyscrapers . Ghostly surroundings , engolfed my entire body suffocating me in pure fear . Suddenly choking , my lungs gasped for that all important breath … Would I ever make it ? 5th April 2017 at 1 : 01 pm Reply As the eyes on my body opened I could see a huge , horrific storm up above . I didn 't know where I was because the last thing I remembered was going to sleep . I stood up and now I could see I was on a road with no one but me and the frightening storm . Boom ! went the sky as lightning forked its fingers through the black sky . It then started raining heavily with hail pushing me down at every second . I started running , in the opposite direction to the storm , faster than I thought my legs could move me and with the wind by my side I was faster than lightning though it wasn 't long before my legs stopped and the wind was pushing me only . The only thing I could think of was whether or not this storm was going to end because I felt like two thousand years had passed . Just then I woke up . It was all a dream however I woke up on my garden and I could see a storm above me … |
I am getting so tired of " isms " . It seems as if every time I read or hear about a difference of opinion anywhere an " ism " is hurled . If someone does not agree with your point of view and you have run out of facts to support you point of view all you need to do is call out " ism " and the other person is to feel chastised and to cease and desist from any further argument . After all no one wants to be branded as an " ist " . I am not talking " sticks and stones " . Certainly a physical attack will cause damage . But those words and hurtful names can hurt too . What I am talking about is a calm sharing of thoughts and opinions . I like nothing more than a good intellectual exchange of ideas . I have even been known to change my mind on occasion as well as to change someone else 's mind . But they are calm discussions in which we try to respect the other person . And I am entitled to my own opinion as is the other person . No person should ever , I repeat ever , intentionally hurt another living thing . Ever . The unintentional sometimes happens . That is what a sincere " I am sorry " is for . Now with all that being said I have some gripes . The first thing that comes to mind is " A boy should never hit a girl " . Of course he should not hit a girl . A girl should not hit a boy . If one person hits another they should expect to be hit right back . In fact law takes that into account . If a person strikes you , you are entitled to respond in kind . That does not mean that if a person slaps your face you can beat them half to death . It means you have the right to slap them back to let them know that you will not accept the disrespect shown by the original slap . But think about this . If a little boy has been slapped by a little girl he has two choices . If he does not respond in kind she will feel that it is acceptable to slap him whenever she feels like it . If he slaps her back she will not slap him again because she thinks he will slap her back . But if he then goes home and is punished for hitting a girl what message is he receiving ? The message is that if he stands up for himself he will be punished anyway . He is wrong no matter what . Equality among people is also a common sense issue . Is one person better than another ? If so , why ? If anyone can explain to me how one person is better than another I am ready to listen . By equal I do not mean the same . My uncle was a track star . I cannot run without twisting my ankles . Is he a better person than me ? My mother was an accomplished artist . I cannot draw a good stick figure . Is she better than me ? My grandfather was a farmer and made things grow for the good of society . I cannot grow a houseplant . Is he better than me ? My mother - in - law could do an instant read on people to know whether they were honest or not . I usually have to get burned a time or two to gain a little wisdom . Is she better than me ? Of course not . I have my own talents and value . So does everyone else . No two people are the same . Even identical twins develop different interests . So we are diverse but equal . Are famous movie stars better people than we are ? Are rich people better than poor people . Are men better than women ? Is one race better than another . Is a physically disabled person better than a " normal " person ? Is a person who likes baseball better than a person who likes football ? This could go on forever . There are " ists " . Sometimes they use their " isms " as an excuse to inflict pain of one kind or another on other people . But it is still the actions that caused the pain not the " ism " . Acting on those " isms " is what is causing all the trouble . What we can control is actions . There are laws concerning actions . If you hurt someone there are legal consequences . So if someone breaks the law by using an " ism " as an excuse they should expect to have to pay a legal consequence . Each case to be decided on its own merits ( or demerits ) . There you have it . Common sense . All we need to do is remember the Golden Rule : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you . It is not rocket science , right ? Here is some more from my son . He requested that I write his stories too . I took out names and places and heavily bleeped a few parts . Otherwise this is in his own words . I hope you like it . My federal charges all started when they arrested me one day after getting pulled over in the semi I was driving . I wasn 't doing anything wrong at all , just working 10 hours a day . But they don 't care about that , they just want to lock everyone up . their investigation started . I spent the weekend there and first thing Monday morning this fed agent came and opened the cell door and said " I 'll give you one chance and one chance only , you can either help yourself or * * * * yourself ! " I told him , I 'm sure you 've seen my record , I 'm real good at * * * * ing myself , I 'll stick to that . He said , " I 'm going to * * * * you like you never been * * * * ed before ! ! " and he slammed the cell door so hard I thought it would break off . He kept his promise about * * * * ing me over . He did everything he could do to make it hard on me . He is still at work ! He left me in the county jail for 3 and a half years , steals my mail ( that 's illegal but they do it a lot , it 's called a mail block ) , and even had the state courts " lose " my paperwork on my state case so I couldn 't appeal my case for years . There is a lot more stuff he has done but it 's a very long list and we don 't have time for it . After that , they sent me to county court to get arraigned and set a and bailed me out before they could even put me in the county for processing . After that , I went on the run for a few months . Until one morning when I was at my girlfriend 's house and they raided it and arrested me again . The federal officer was there and he found a bag of weed in another part of the house , somewhere I wasn 't . He of course charged me with it . Also he stripped me to my underwear and took me into the basement and pulled a bottle of Vicoden from his pocket . It was my girlfriend 's mom 's legal prescription . He said to me , " I usually don 't do this but I 'm going to give you another chance . " I said , I 'm still on * * * * myself mode and shut my mouth ! He then started to pull the name tag off the bottle of Vicoden and said , " It only gets worse from here ! " I think he thought that was going to scare me . Well it did a little but I sure wasn 't going to let him know that . I was charged in 3 different state courts with a bunch of charges and 2 federal courts . I beat the first fed court stuff because it was an illegal search . They had an arrest warrant for me , not a search warrant for the house ! Got um ! And the other fed court stuff was my R . I . C . O . court and I beat all my charges except the drug conspiracy . I 'm going to beat that on appeal . They tried everything they could to break me . They had me in all those courts trying to overwhelm me and get me to give up . My lawyer came to me and said they wanted me to tell on people and they would put me in the witness protection program . First , I don 't know anything about anyone else and second , all my crimes had nothing to do with the Club * * . How would I tell on people that I didn 't do anything illegal with ! And lastly , what kind of ass would I be if I just went along with their lies and send innocent people to prison just to get time off my sentence . And just to let you know , I 'm one of only 5 people in the whole country to beat the R . I . C . O . statutes in trial , and the only person in the country to ever be charged with both R . I . C . O . , R . I . C . O . conspiracy and Conducting a Criminal Enterprise . No one has ever gone through all that except me . They tried to make it as hard on me as they could . They left me in county jail for over 3 and a half years . That 's like being in the hole all that time . But I made the best of it while I was there . I learned the law and how to fight in court . That 's how I beat so many charges . They put the pressure on me and I had 2 choices , either give give up or fight with everything I got . I fought ! After everything was over , everyone at the federal prison threw a party because I beat the R . I . C . O . 's . Add this to the last part of the last story I sent you . I don 't believe a person should get rewarded for telling on their co - defendants . The only way they should be allowed to testify against them is if they are getting no benefit from doing it . People are I started driving trucks when I was 14 . My dad taught me how to drive with 2 trailers behind the truck . By the time I was old enough to get my license , I was one of the best around at backing up the double trailers , because I had experience with a bunch of different combinations . We started hauling steel coils on flat bed trailers and got into everything from box vans to liquid tankers with no baffles ( those are illegal now because they are too dangerous ) . I started with 1 long time , that 's all we did . I ended up getting a couple more trucks and hiring some guys to drive them . After a while , I got into a deal with a company that was transferring loads from an auto plant to some storage places and I started buying more trucks and getting into different runs . At one time , I had 20 trucks of my own and 10 people with their own trucks leased on to my company . I got into some trouble with the cops over a deal I got into were I was leasing trailers to small trucking companies and trailer leasing companies . I specialized in of the border . With that deal alone , I was on track to do millions in revenue and within a year , my company would 've quadrupled in size . I even had a guy do a favor for me and got me an expedited load out of the auto plant so that they would put me down as one of their official carriers . People said I couldn 't do that because that company wasn 't taking new carriers at the time , but I was known for fixing problems and getting things done ! Then the Free Trade Agreement came into town ! That basically put me out of business ! ! ! Everything those big companies needed me for , they could do themselves now . Along with putting my American drivers out of work it ruined the pay level for a lot of people in America ! The trucking companies now could haul their loads in America so I was out of all that business , which was most of my business . Also every trucking company in America lost money because the loads like the ones I specialized in ( on time loads ) , the pay rates went down . Loads I used to haul for $ 3 a mile , now were being hauled buy Mexican carriers for $ 1 a mile . We couldn 't compete . I owned one third of two other companies . Those last two companies were set up to lease trailers to small trucking companies and other trailer leasing companies . I knew a lot of people in the business and had everything lined up and running . But like I said , powers higher than what my concerns were had other plans . Ok I better end this , I don 't like talking about this stuff , it brings up a lot of memories of what could 've We all have nightmares occasionally . Some experts claim that we need to work out problems and / or feelings and nightmares help us do that . Others feel that nightmares help to release fears . I am sure there are many other " reasons " for nightmares . I know that I have a bad dream once in a while . As I said most nightmares are just bad dreams . When we wake up we may or may not remember the dream . If we do remember it the memory fades and usually we feel better . Then there are dreams that fill us with terror . A terror so real . A terror that stays with us for much longer than a few moments . I had several of those when I was younger . I even remember them in detail . We were told not to get too close when the train went by . Of course that was good advice . But often it was added that the reason not to get close by was that the train would suck us under and we would be killed . Talk about a scare ! I dreamed we were walking to school . It was early morning in the fall . The air was a little nippy so we were wearing jackets . There were just the five of us . My youngest brother at the time was in kindergarten . You may remember that he had a sort of cloud surrounding his head . He often seemed oblivious to the things going on around him . As we got closer to the tracks we heard a train coming . We were going to have to wait for it to pass . Trains going through these little towns tended to be very long so there would be a long wait . It was okay because we might get the engineer to blow the whistle and then the conductor would wave from the caboose . So we were standing there watching the train go by . Then I saw my little brother walking slowly toward the train as if in a trance . He was hypnotized by the movement of the train and getting closer and closer . to it . I started screaming for him to stop . Over and over and over . But he just kept walking toward the side of the train with that glazed look in his eyes . His face was totally blank . He did not hear me at all . He got too close to the train . It sucked him under ! There he was between the tracks looking at me with his big brown eyes full of terror . I then began to scream at him to not try to get out . He was safe as long as he was between the tracks but he would be cut to shreds if he tried to get out . My baby sister who was about two years old and I had died . It seems that the place you go after you die was where you were living when you died . Except that the base ( or invisible floor ) was about the same level as peoples ' heads . So there we were at head level . There was no one there but us . There was no furniture , no anything , just my sister and me . It does not seem too bad . But there was a problem . My sister could see and hear our mother , but of course our mother could not see or hear us . My sister could not understand why Mom kept totally ignoring her pleas to be held . She was crying uncontrollably . Nothing I did could console her . The afterlife was going to be miserable for my sister and me . In high school I seem to remember my biology teacher telling us about a parasite called a glassworm . Whether I remember correctly or not is beside the point . A glassworm reproduces by carrying it 's eggs inside the body . Shortly before the eggs hatch the worm breaks open and dies expelling all the eggs so they can hatch and continue the cycle . Remember that the glassworm is a parasite . They burrow under the skin of the host . When they break open and die they cause a great deal of damage to the host , including death . In my sleep my husband had gone into a small grocery store to cash his paycheck . We were going to grab a hot dog afterward and go home to watch TV . I waited in the car for him . When my husband came back to the car he noticed that I had a strange look on my face . When he asked me what was wrong I told him that I had a glassworm in my arm . In a shocked tone he told me that he had warned me about that . What if it exploded ? I would die . I lived in Nebraska . It was a time and not far from where Charles Starkweather and Carol Ann Fugate murdered her whole family then drove to another state killing people along the way . It was a shocking series of crimes . I felt awful about all the murders but the worst of all was Carol Ann Fugate 's little 2 year old sister . I have to stress that potty training meant that anyone who saw signs of her needing to use the potty would help her to the potty , sit her on it and wait until she was finished . There was no yelling or other punishment about accidents . There was no throwing her in the little chair and making her sit there until she did what was expected of her . It was all a gentle and ultimately very successful process . It is no wonder that I was surprised beyond belief when I woke up in the middle of the night to find my sister sitting on her potty . At first I thought she was asleep . When I went to pick her up I realized that she was dead . She had been beaten and set on the chair . My parents were asleep in their bed . I was crushed that they would do such a thing . Then I was angry and wanted revenge . I was going to kill them . I woke up for real . Unfortunately those raw feelings were still there . I went to my parents ' bedroom and woke up my mother . I told her about my dream and that I had ( in my dream ) wanted to kill them . She just put her arms around me and held me while I cried . I finally calmed down . Mom suggested that I go back to bed and try to get some sleep . I was still afraid . She said to read for a while and see if that helped . It did . I had several other nightmares that I will probably share one day . The problem with the nightmares was that when I woke from them I could not go back to sleep right away or the nightmare would repeat . I learned to keep a book by my bed . I would turn the lamp by my bed on and read until my eyes were heavy . Then I would slowly allow the book to settle on my chest and I would go back to sleep . I could not even move enough to turn off the lamp . Mom knew if she woke up and saw the light on that I had another nightmare . She would always find a tactful way to talk to me about it . It helped . The telephone rang . It was my son asking if I could pick up my grandson and keep him over night . Of course I could . The catch was that I needed to pick him up at the hospital . WHAT ? My daughter - in - law had fainted so my son took her to the hospital . I jokingly asked if she was pregnant because my grandson had just celebrated his first birthday . My son told me that was what they suspected . The last month before my granddaughter was born was hard on my daughter - in - law . She felt like all of us do that final month . She just wanted it to be over . As was my daily ritual I called her one morning . " Hello ? " I said , " Hello " back . We exchanged pleasantries . Then she said , " If one more person asks me how I 'm feeling , I am going to scream . " I told her I completely understood . I am very understanding that way . Then I said , " So how are you feeling ? " When the day finally came I got a call from my son . It was early in the morning , very early . When I arrived at the hospital , my daughter - in - law 's mother , step - father , and sister were there already . I do not remember who was taking care of my grandson that day because we were all there . According to my daughter - in - law the baby was always crying . I did not see that but I was not there all the time . She was always happy when her father was there . She was and is a daddy 's girl . My son came home from work and the first thing he did was to get on the floor and wrestle with my grandson . Now that he had a daughter she became a part of the wrestling matches . She loved it and can hold her own with the best of them . When she was about two years old my granddaughter started having terrible nightmares . They usually happened during her afternoon nap . When she woke up screaming nothing would calm her down until she could talk to her father . Luckily at that time he worked at a job where he answered the phone . Several times a week he would get the call and have to talk to his daughter . She seemed just fine after hearing her daddy 's voice . Potty training was a fun thing . Actually she was easy to train because she does not like to be messy . And she was not shy in the least . She would haul her little potty seat in and watch television with the reat of us while she did what needed to be done . The only problem was the clean - up after . She would stand up then bend over and grab her ankles and ask for someone to do it for her . Finally her mother told her that she was big enough to do it for herself . " I 'm not doing that ! That 's a - scusting ! " Like I said she hates being dirty . She did finally start to take care of it herself and I am happy to report that she does not bother us with it any more . She loved the water . Getting her to take a bath was no problem at all . She just got in the tub and pretended to swim . For her fourth birthday my daughter bought her a swimming pool for the back yard so she could swim to her heart 's content . My granddaughter is very athletic . Not unusual considering that both her parents and her brother are too . She began on my grandson 's little league team when she was three or four . Her parent 's were coaching so it made it easier to care for her too . She has played soccer , basketball , volleyball , and tennis on her school teams . She also ran cross country at school . She tried every sport that was available and was good at all of them . But her favorite and the one that she really excelled at was softball . Her favorite position was first base . I love watching her play there . It is like watching a ballet . When someone throws the ball to her she gracefully puts her glove up and the ball almost magnetically swooshes right in . It is beautiful . Besides being on the team at school my granddaughter also played on a team during the summer that was coached by her mother . The team needed a catcher so my granddaughter said she would do it . So she catches too . She could throw a runner out at second base while she was still in the catcher 's squat . Amazing . Then the team needed a fill - in pitcher . My granddaughter had never pitched before and did not want to do it . Her mother did not want to use her that way but she was stuck for someone . My granddaughter once again gave it a try . She was good . So good that she became a regular pitcher . She began to pitch for the team at school too . My granddaughter was so good at pitching that she was often interviewed by the media in her area . She was often in the newspaper , on radio , and occasionally on television . She received a scholarship to college because of her pitching talents . The last year of high school she was fielding a throw as she was playing first base . She did the splits to keep her foot on the base while reaching for the ball . She felt a pop . It was a ligament in her knee . She did not require surgery but was unable to play for the fall season when she went to college . By the spring season she was fine . Like most of our family my granddaughter loves rain . We like to out and dance in the rain or just quietly sit on the porch and watch as the rain comes down . I was visiting them one time when my granddaughter came into the house . She said , " Grandma , I smell rain coming . Do you want to come out on the porch with me ? " How could I turn down an invitation like that ? I stopped by on my way to work one evening to visit my son and his family . They told me my granddaughter was in her room watching figure skating . I had not realized she liked it . I knocked on her door and we watched for a while before I absolutely had to leave . Another thing we both liked was Grease . We have seen the movie numerous times . We also attended the play whenever it came to town . Each play is done differently so it is an experience . We even saw Frankie Avalon the year he toured with the play . With our love for figure skating and our love for Grease we kept busy . One evening after attending Disney on Ice starring Nancy Kerrigan we were discussing what we had just seen . Then we decided that Grease would adapt well to an ice program . It was an exciting thought . It was Christmas Eve . Our family was together at my house as it should be . Everyone was having a great time as usual . My granddaughter and I were given small gifts that needed to be opened at the same time . We got tickets to Grease on Ice ! The day after we had the conversation about it my daughter - in - law heard on the radio that it was coming to town so she rushed out and bought the tickets . Her mother enrolled my granddaughter in a dance class . She was quite small and looked so cute . At her first recital she was with two other children who were as young as she was . One was the son of the instructor and the other was another little girl . They did a number based on Pebbles and Bamm - Bamm to the song Let the Sun Shine In . Adorable . She danced for five years . The fifth year she did not want to do it any more . Her mother insisted . Finally her father came up with a compromise . If she would complete the five years her mother would let her quit . That ended her dancing career . So my granddaughter graduated from college with a degree in psychology and a minor in criminology . She has a good job . She also just gave birth to my first great - granddaughter . She is just as pretty as her mother . I have often wondered how so many of the children of my age survived to become adults . I had a lot more freedom than my children mostly because of the fact that I lived in little towns and on farms while my children grew up in the city . I have tried to be a responsible parent . It is not always easy because there are so many dangers and like all parents I wanted the absolute best of everything for my children . They deserve it . At the same time I know what sorts of silly things children do and often those things are dangerous . I know this because I was once a child and I remember some of the silly things we used to do . I will try not to repeat any that I have written before but I am certain you will understand if I repeat myself . I do not remember this incident . It was one of my mother 's favorite stories . I was very young and we were at the farm . I was out playing . On the farm we could wander wherever we wanted to go . I was playing in the shed where Grandpa had that magical grinding wheel he sat on to sharpen tools . I went crying into the house and told my mother that the bird bit me . Being only a couple of years old there was no way I could have gotten close enough to a bird for it to peck me . All of the adults laughed at my imagination . Grandpa went out to the shed to see what was out there . Caught in a trap was a large mouse . I had been trying to play with it and it , being in pain and scared , bit me . When Daddy would leave for work we would sometimes pretend that we were pushing the car from behind . I was about 5 years old which means my brothers were 3 and 4 . He would carefully drive off gradually accelerating his speed until we could not keep up . Then he would be off for real . One day while sending him to work my three year old brother decided to push for real . Daddy saw my other brother and me standing on the road behind him so he took off . My brother was dragged for about half a block before my father realized why we were screaming frantically for him to stop . Luckily other than a few scrapes and bruises he was not hurt . There were three of us . My two best friends and I were inseparable . One of them lived on what we called an acreage at the edge of town . There was a lot of room for wandering and exploring there . And there was the creek . We were not allowed to go to the creek without permission . Of course that did not keep us from going . Skinny dipping on a hot summer day helped keep us cool . Then we had to let our hair dry before we could be seen by anybody or we were in trouble . When the river flooded our parents were more strict about being around the creek . Diseases that are associated with flood waters gave them reason to caution us to stay away . But did we ? Of course not . The water level in the creek was high during floods . Swimming was great . Of course we had to dodge debris being carried along but that only added to the experience . The day the dead bloated pig floated past was the day we got out of the flood water and did not go back during floods . However we still used the creek often . Crossing over the creek and down a ways from where we swam was train tracks . Under the bridge that crossed the creek the ground sloped down toward the water . It was shady and cool there and made a good place to lie on our backs daydreaming as we stayed cool . It was exciting when a train rumbled over the bridge . What if the bridge collapsed and the train fell on us ? Scary indeed . Using a rail as a balance beam was also great fun . We had heard the tales of people getting their feet stuck under a rail and not being able to get loose before the train ran them over . It only added to the excitement of it . Just past the train bridge was the bridge for the highway . Now this was a little Nebraska town so the higway had little traffic . The bridge had trusses on either side of the road . The creek was anywhere from two to three feet deep during the summer . The top of the trusses was about 20 feet from the creek . I am sure that you have already guessed what happens next . We would climb the truss , walk to the middle of it , and jump off into the creek . How stupid we were . Sometimes when it would rain nobody wanted to ride the horses out to bring the cattle in from the pasture . Grandpa had an old Model A Ford that my uncles could use on the farm . We loved to pile into the Model A to herd the cattle . One of my uncles was a bit of a daredevil . He liked to drive fast which we loved . One time he actually took one corner of the dogleg coming back from the pasture on two wheels ! Grandma was furious . Grandpa was furious . We all wanted to go again ! When we lived in Washington on the dairy farm we lived near the top of the mountain . It was a small mountain but it was a mountain . I liked to get in the car , release the emergency brake , then step on the clutch . That should have put the car in neutral . I still do not know why the car never rolled taking us along with it down the side of the mountain . Heaven knows I tried . Modern safety requirements were in the future as far as vehicles were concerned . There were no seat belts or air bags . Children rode in the front seat . The baby usually sat on the lap of the person in the passenger 's seat of the front . We often rode standing up so we could either see better or get closer to drive our parents crazy . We also rode in the back of the pick - up , hanging off the side of the tractor , and on the running board of the car . We liked to play cowboys and Indians . We would get a bunch of kids together and play at war . We would be swordfighters , etc . For all of these activities we used sticks as weapons . Often we went home with bruises and small cuts from being a little overzealous in our play . As I said I remember all these things and how much fun we had . It was part of childhood taking all these chances . That does not mean I wanted or allowed my children to do them . But I tried to be understanding when their daredevil sides showed through . Another Mother 's Day has passed . I still miss you so much . I miss being able to call you to ask you to help me find just that right word that I am searching for . I miss knowing that you are just a phone call away . I know that you loved me . You knew that I loved you . There was never a question of that . That is because of you . You were a steady cool flowing stream that made us all feel safe and secure , to paraphrase someone we both met . I always tell everyone that you are the most intelligent person I have ever known . Of course you know that to be true . And you expected intelligence from me . Thank you . Your grandchildren feel the same way . They all aspire to be like their grandparents . There is no higher praise . My great - grandchildren are fond of saying , " If Grandma doesn 't know , nobody knows ! " I simply tell them that their great - grandma would know more . It is spring now . You would be busy planting your garden . All sorts of vegetables would grow to be canned and frozen . But you always left a large amount of space for your flowers . The more colorful the better . I miss your companionship . We really enjoyed each other 's company . Whether it was playing cards , attending a political function , or taking a trip we had great fun . I have read a few books that I know you would like . I wish I could hand them to you so you could read them too . I even miss you admonishing me " not to talk like that " whenever I said something you felt I should not say . You expected " more " from me . That is why I strove to be " more " . I hope I have come close to what you wished for me . When I was very young the girls were allowed to wear jeans to school . There were a lot of students who lived on farms and rode their horses to school . Dresses are not ideal for riding a horse . Then came capri pants . They were considered too tight too be decent . In order to stop the older girls from wearing the capris they made a rule disallowing all pants for girls . If they wanted to wear them beneath a skirt and change before school began they could do that . I also remember a few changes at the beginning of school . We used to say prayers before school . I am not saying that it was a good or a bad thing . I am simply saying that we did . I remember that when we pledged allegiance to the flag ( which most schools no longer do ) we said " one nation under God " . Actually I remember when the " under God " part was added . It was so hard to include it at first because we were used to saying the original way . Then in later years they took it out and it was hard not to say it because we were used to it . I did not live in the times when " showing a limb " was indecent but I certainly remember some things that were once considered indecent . Only " bad girls " wore two - piece bathing suits . Only women wore earrings and those were clip - ons . Pierced ears were reserved for the non - pure . Too - short skirts , too - tight clothing , and showing of any cleavage was just wrong . Even sack dresses were wrong because they left too much to the imagination . What is a girl to do ? When I was in high school I had a dress that I wore often because it was comfortable . It was made of cotton with a bandanna print and it had a straight skirt . One afternoon one of the seams gave way from overuse and split part of the way up my leg . I borrowed some safety pins to hold it together but there were not enough to close it all the way past my knee . I was called to the dean 's office and told that I could not wear indecent clothing to school any more . I was to wait in the dean 's office until the school bus came at the end of the day . Hussy ! That was me . Mood rings . Mood lipstick . Paisley prints ( which I like , by the way ) . Long straight hair . Short elfin hair . Unisex hair cuts . " Natural " hair - dos . Big hair . Hip - hugger jeans . Love - ins . Sit - ins . Drive - in movies . Whatever happened to them ? Probably the biggest change in my life is the computer . I remember demonstrations of UniVac on television . The control board of UniVac was as big as a 52 inch TV screen . It did computations of numbers mostly . It was even used to correctly predict the outcome of the 1952 presidential race . Somewhere down the line someone designed video games . The first ones were like the ones you still find in gaming facilities and bars . They were large and you would pay to play them like you played pinball machines . Companies began to built machines to hook up to your television so you could play video games at home . They were made so that all you would have to do is buy the games you liked and insert one into the machine . There have been so many incarnations of these systems . And hundreds of games have been made . Soon they began to think that home computers could be the next money maker . In order to make their use attractive they would need a way to connect to other computers . The internet was born . Anyone with a computer could hook up the to internet by subscribing to a program that connected using the telephone . It took a few years to catch on . In the beginning there really was not much to see on the internet . But as time passed the internet matured . Soon there were websites to visit . Information was now at one 's fingertips . Virtual tours through many of the world 's museums and historical sites were available for free . You could even do a pub crawl from the convenience of your living room . Email makes it easy to stay in touch with people . A quick bit of typing and your message can be sent instantly to someone else . You can even send the same message to many people all at the same time . Now you can watch movies and videos whenever you wish . Music is just waiting for you to request it . And Skype allows you to see a person as you speak directly to them . Probably the most outstanding thing was the space program . There were comic books and radio and television programs about humans traveling in outer space . Pure science fiction . Or was it ? When Sputnik was launched the United States was frantic . We were experiencing the Cold War . We were not too far removed from World War II and the Korean War . There were air raid shelters and air raid captains who were supposed to guide us to safety in case of an enemy attack . We had fire drills in school . We also had air raid drills . When the air raid siren sounded we were to " drop and cover " . That meant dropping to the floor under your desk into a sort of fetal position but with your face and body toward the floor . Then you covered your head with hands and arms . You remained in that position until the " all clear " was sounded . I have read how so many children were traumatized by " drop and cover " drills . I was a child . I thought it was great fun . Children cannot comprehend consequences of viotent acts . All parents can do is teach them what to do in case of a violent act and deal with the fallout later . But back to the space race . The US and Russia both kept launching rockets and planning for manned space flights . It was an exciting time . Our schools did not have televisions so we could not watch the launches at school . School would close on launch days so we could watch from home . And we did watch . It was exciting . I vaguely remember some of the McCarthy hearings from television . I was very young . McCarthy was a senator who believed that Communism was not only a threat to our country but that we were infiltrated by Communists and Communist sympathizers . He chaired the Senate hearings on unAmerican activities . The McCarthy hearings rapidly turned into a witch hunt . People who testified at the hearings came from all walks of life . They may or may not have been guilty of any charges . A lot of people lost their jobs and were blackballed from being rehired elsewhere . It would be nice to have a reliable means of revisiting that time to find out what was true and what was not . I watched the first televised debates between two presidential candidates when John F Kennedy and Richard M Nixon opposed each other . Kennedy had a charisma that showed on camera . Nixon did not seem as comfortable . Kennedy won the election . When I was a child most homes had an automobile . We call them cars . We still walked most places . Everything in the little towns I lived in was too close to bother with driving . Back then cars were built sturdy and to last a long time . They were very large . They had one long seat in the front and the same in the back . There were no seat belts or air bags . The steering wheel was huge . Tires were not as sturdy as they are now so there were a lot of flat tires . Gas stations could fix those flats . They also did minor repairs . Most of those older cars could be repaired with a screwdriver , pliers , and a bit of wire . Gas stations also offered full service . When you stopped for gasoline they washed the windows , checked under the hood for oild and water levels . They checked the air pressure in the tires and filled them if needed . All as part of the regular service and all FREE ! Gas was not free . But it was inexpensive . My father used to fill the 16 gallon tank and hand the attendant $ 2 . 00 and get change back . Once a new gas station opened in town . It was right across the street from the existing station . There was a price war . For the longest time gasoline was 6 ¢ per gallon . Wouldn 't that be nice now ? And we still got full service . Now cars do not necessarily need gasoline to operate . We have electric cars and hybrids that use both gas and electricity . They are working on cars that will hover above the ground instead of rolling along . Penny candy was the joy of my life . For a penny there were many items you could purchase . KitKats came in a little 4 piece package . You could get a piece of bubble gum . There was a whip of licorice either red or black . Pixie sticks . Gumballs . Jawbreakers . Tootsie rolls . Suckers or lollipops . A child 's handful of jelly beans or candy corn . You get the idea . There was a soda fountain at the drug store . One of my favorite treats was a phosphate . Phosphates are carbonated drinks made right at the soda fountain . You could choose any one of the delicious flavored syrups ( also used to top sundaes ) and that would be the flavor of the phosphate . If you lived in town milk was delivered 6to the house . It came in milk bottles with little cardboard inserts at the mouth of the bottle to close it . When my children were small I had milk delivered but it came in cartons . I do not know if home delivery exists any more . The saddest thing I have observed is the loss of freedom to be a child . We would be outside from the time we woke in the morning until it was time to be home for the night . It was safe to wander all over town or through the countryside . Nobody would bother us . Children now have to be wary of every person they encounter . Sad I had an excellent education as a child . Now pay attention . There were three grades to a room . The teacher in the room taught all three grades . She taught all subjects , reading , writing , arithmetic , history , art , and recess . Often she was also our music teacher . She escorted us to lunch and made us mind . We learned at school . There was NO HOMEWORK . I still do not believe in homework . And now teachers have specialized classes . Students with similar abilities are placed in the classroom . It seems to me that teachers could , oh I don 't know , maybe teach . Then there would be time to play after school because that is a valuable part of their learning experience . Music has changed so much . I came in at the end of the big band era . I really do not remember it but I listen to some of the big bands and love the music . Rock ' a ' billy and rock and roll were what I listened to when I was young . My parents liked country music and I do too . My family listened to classical music too . I have to be in the mood but it is called calssical for a reason . The English invasion changed the way we viewed music . They took rock and roll and the blues and turned our music world upside down . Then came disco music . Now hip hop but I am seeing a return of some of the older styles coming back . Clothing styles . Oh my goodness . When I was little women were very modest in their clothing . Most women wore dresses all the time . The hem of the skirts fell below the knee . Little girls wore short skirts with lots of petticoats . When I was a teenager miniskirts were the rage . And little girls skirts became longer . I have seen terrible things happen . The Viet Nam War , the Gulf wars , terrorism running rampant . I watched the endless reruns of President Kennedy being assassinated . The drum cadence from his funeral will be in my head forever . The World Trade Center suffered from an explosion in one of the underground parking lots of the World Trade Center in New York City . A truck with explosives made of fertilizer blew up at the front of a government building in Oklahoma City . I was just home from work and had dosed off on the couch when I woke up just in time to see the second airplane fly into the World Trade Center the day it collapsed and the whole world became fearful . That was the day I called my sister . We worked together and rode to and from work together . I asked her if she was still awake and if she had her television on . She said yes and no respectively . Her question was a moderately disinterested why . I said , " Somebody just declared war on us ! " Children go to school with weapons and bombs intending to kill as many people as possible . People go to the movie theater with automatic weapons and open fire People shoot stab , beat , and bomb at an alarming rate today . We live in an increasingly violent society . When I was a teen - ager Charles Starkweather and his girlfriend Carol Ann Fugate went on a killing spree . They killed her whole family and then traveled across Nebraska and Wyoming . Charles Manson and his followwers were found guilty of killing a total of seven people in California . The list goes on . It is just too sad . My own children were raised in a large city . I always hated it there but a person goes where the work is . I told them of growing up in a part of the country where people are polite . If you walk down the street and encounter another person you both smile pleasantly and say , " Hello . " People say please and thank you . If you need assistance you can get it . If someone else needs assistance you offer it . I am not certain they believed me . A few years ago one of my sons moved to this area . He loves it here and recently told me he cannot believe how friendly and nice people are . I was born in 1947 , part of the post - war baby boom . At that time they still routinely put mothers to sleep to deliver babies . We have since decided that pre - delivery enemas ( pardon me to the weak of stomach ) are not necessary to a healthy birth . Shaving of delicate places by a nurse with inch long pointed fingernails is not practiced any more . Many birthing processes have been tried but natural childbirth , with an assist from pain medication seems to be the norm now . Radio was the home entertainment for most people . If your home was not connected to electrical systems ( and many were not ) crystal radios could be used to pick up the ball game on the week - ends . A wire connected to the screen door as a ground improved reception immensely . Late at night after most stations were shut down by FCC regulations , some of the big radio stations could kick up their power . Then we could get things like the Grand Ole Opry . And WLS in Chicago played rock and roll . Transistor radios were invented so we could carry our music with us . We could sing along and dance along even if we were at the park . That is if the reception in the area was good enough . We had favorite disc jockeys who introduced us to the newest songs and singers as well as playing music that we already loved . But we had no choices except to call in to make a request . And we also sang along with the commercial jingles . They were catchy tunes . Then along came FM radio stations . You would not automatically lose reception on the car radio if you went through a short underpass like you would with AM radio . Now there are station networks like Sirius XM . You can choose whatever you wish to hear . It could be music , comedy , or sports . And with no commercials . Record players allowed us to listen to our favorites over and over . Some of us had extensive record collections . There were LP 's ( long playing records ) which eventually were called albums . They contained several songs on each side . They were played at a speed of 33 1 / 3 RPM 's . There were older 78 RPM records . I discovered some great music on those . They had one to three songs on each side . 78 's were even more breakable than the albums . The most popular records were the 45 's . They are the small 7 inch in diameter records you most often see in the old teenage type movies . For 45 cents we could buy the latest hit single with another song by the artist on the flip side . With any luck it would be a hit too . The 45 's are the records that needed the insert to keep it on the spindle centering the record on the phonograph player . Then along came tape recorders . They were clumsy affairs . One reel of tape would be placed on it 's spindle . The tape itself would be threaded through the heads of the machine and connected to another reel that would neatly wind up the tape so it could be played again . Then came tape players that not only recorded and played but they did not require the reels . Wow . How handy . For the car there were 8 - track tapes . Basically they were albums in a small ( at the time ) plastic box . You inserted them into the 8 - track player and listened to the music . Once everyone who was interested had invested in 8 - tracks and 8 - track players for their houses and cares along came cassettes . They were like little reel to reel players enclosed in a plastic case . The case fit into the cassette player to play the music . They took up less room than 8 - tracks . The major problem with cassettes was that the tape was exposed at the point where the player heads came into contact in order to play the tape . Often the tape would tangle in the player . It could be necessary to break the tape to get it out . Once it was broken it could not be played ever again . Now we have CD 's and CD players . CD is short for compact disc . Again it needs it 's own player . But now we could burn our own CD 's . We could copy music from CD 's we had purchased . We could even " pirate " music from the internet if we chose to . And the CD 's we burned ourselves could hold a lot more songs . There was another improvement over the radio . Television made it 's entrance . TV had been around for several years before it was introduced at the 1939 World 's Fair . Envisioned uses for it were as military tools and for closed - circuit broadcasts of sporting events . The first televisions were large cabinet style wooden cases full of the tubes necessary to operate it . The viewing screen was so small . The pictures on the screen were black and white . After all movies were still being made in black and white too . ( Color movies were made but so expensive to make that it was a budget thing . Besides many movie theaters were not equipped to show movies in color . ) I remember the first TV my parents bought . There was much to - do about carrying it in . Then the antenna had to be installed on the roof and connected to the TV . Then it had to be adjusted for the best possible picture . Television at that time was not a 24 hour affair . In the morning it signed on with a prayer and the national anthem . At night it signed off at midnight with a prayer with a showing of the Flying Blue Angels then the national anthem . Programming consisted of a lot of variety shows in the evening . There were occasional plays performed live . During the day were soap operas , news programs , and game shows . Before and after school were children 's programs . Cowboys were the order of the day . Saturday 's had cartoons in the morning for children . Sports programming was available for fathers who were home for the weekend from work . Sunday nights were for family programs . But we wanted color TV . One day my father came home with a contraption to give us programming in color . It was a piece of plastic that was colored blue at the top clear in the middle and green at the bottom . Stretched across the TV screen it gave sky at the top ( even if the scene was indoors ) and grass at the bottom ( even if there was snow ) . Transistor circuits began to replace tubes in the televisions . The screens were larger even if the television console was not . With fewer tubes it became easier to build new sets with the capability to receive color programming . More programs were being broadcast in color . Now they are all color . Televisions were a luxury . In most homes it was located in the living room . The family who could receive more than one of the three networks might argue over which programs to watch . Dad always had the final say . Now we have flat screen TV 's . They snuggle up nicely close to the wall on a small table . Or you can even mount them on the wall like a painting . Surround sound makes it seem like you are in the middle of all the action . Being a baseball fan I love that . I actually prefer to watch the games on TV to going to the ballpark . I get a good seat and my beverages do not cost nearly as much . There are now more than just the three major networks . And with cable TV the theory is that there are hundreds of channels and programs to choose from . All in color . It is unusual to have only one television set in the home . There is a central television in the living room . There may be one in each bedroom . Some homes even have one in the kitchen to enable Mom to watch as she cooks Telephones were another form of communication . The first ones were a box mounted on the wall . There was a receiver that was held to your ear as you talked into the mouthpiece that was part of the main box . To get the attention of the operator you would twist the crank on the side . Then she could connect you to the party you wished to speak to . And yes my family had one . Time moves on . Telephones became smaller . They could be mounted on the wall or even set stylishly on a table . Either way the ear piece and mouthpiece were now one and the rest of the phone stayed put . Some homes even had extension phones so you would not have to get up and run to the phone in say the middle of the night . These phones were black and rather large . No longer did you have to dial the operator to make a local call . There was a rotary dial on the phone . Simply dial the number of the party and you would be connected . It became the " in " for teenagers to have a phone of their own in their rooms . That meant a separate phone line and a separate number . It also meant phones in new colors to appeal to teenagers . Colored phones also meant that they could be ordered to blend in with the colors of the room decor . Wealthy people began to use mobile phones in their cars and on their boats . Mobility had begun to be important . Many people began to carry beepers . When the device would beep you could look at the number that called you and call back . Pay telephones could be found in a lot of places . If you were out and needed to call home a nickel , then a dime , then a quarter , and so on , would allow you to make a quick call . As more mobile devices were being used telephone booths became fewer . They are now a thing of the past . I resisted getting a cell phone for a long time . I do not want to be that connected to anybody . But I also recognize that it can be a valuable tool and even a safety device so I have one now . I hardly ever use it but it is available when I might need it . In many families every member of the family has a call phone . Parents can contact their children at any time . I am sometimes disturbed when I see people who have to have the phone to their ear at all times but I guess that is what they like . Wow . Just three technologies I have seen change dramatically in my life . And I got to watch it happen . But I have just begun . Next time I 'll try to not be so long - winded . |
Work sucks . I manage a team of recruiters and our company recently had to abolish individual quantitative goals due to federal government regulations . In the spirit of " Late Night with Jimmy Fallon , " my thank you note is as follows … " Thank you Democratic Party … for inserting your nosy ass right where it doesn 't belong . " Anyway , once goals were taken away and my team realized that they a ) had no goals , and b ) their manager would be out on maternity leave for 12 weeks , they decided to stop working . It is a classic case of " when the cat 's away the mice will play . " It 's terribly disappointing though because my team continued to perform very well when I was out on maternity leave with my first son . Even more , they were the rock stars of the company during our last fiscal year . Now that I 've been back to work for a month , I finally have a grasp of what 's going on with my team . When I first got back , I had to learn about our entire new management and compensation plan . Everything changed during the 12 weeks I was out … and I mean everything … right down to our pay cycle and benefits . Our goals changed , how we conduct business changed , our data management systems changed , our Human Resources system changed , our pay periods changed , our benefits changed , our phone systems … EVERYTHING . The only thing that didn 't change was the name of our company , and I am half expecting that to change soon too . I manage a group of " Mean Girls . " If you 've ever seen the movie with Lindsay Lohan , you 'll know what I 'm talking about . My team is divided . I have three team members who have continued to perform well and adapt to change . The other three however became lazy sacks of shit while I was out and decided to stop working . Because I am still required to generate a certain amount of revenue to my client based on the number of individuals I recruit to that client 's programs , my team still has to work . They are still goaled on qualitative objectives , which at the end of the day all relate back to how they perform on a quantitative level . Sounds all sorts of crazy and f * cked up , doesn 't it ? So , back to the Mean Girls . I have the ring leader , the stupid one , and the one who is constantly trying to ensure she fits in with the other two . Sometimes I swear the movie was filmed at my office . It is obnoxious . My Mean Girls are what you would describe as professionally immature . Try as I can to have a professional environment , they are an obstacle in allowing that to happen . I have had to talk with each of them about arriving to work on time , turning on their computers and actually working when they arrive , working their entire shifts , and staying off of the internet during their work hours . I 've had conversations and now most recently , documented conversations . This past Friday , my manager counterparts were in town for a meeting . We were all in my manager 's office when through the door I hear my three Mean Girls all in one of their cubes looking at wedding dresses online . WTF . I was less than five feet away . I had JUST spoken with two of them about browsing the internet not too days ago . I 'm guessing they thought I wasn 't paying attention , but I was and so were my fellow managers . One of my manager colleagues stepped out of the office and asked what they were doing , and they said they were making calls . They lied to her face . It was incredible . She told them to get back to work and they reluctantly walked back to their desks and giggled a little bit . I was furious . I continued with my managers ' meeting and we went to lunch . At lunch , I decided I would hold an impromptu meeting with my team and tell them exactly how I feel about their behavior . I scheduled the meeting for 4 : 30pm and was looking forward to it . Once I had all six in the office , I told them exactly how I felt . I pride myself on being flexible and fair , and empowering my employees to do their very best . I provide them the tools and resources they need to perform and succeed at their jobs , and recently I feel that the more I give , the more some of them take . I told them they embarrassed me in front of the other managers and I was disappointed in them . I told them that we are perceived as slackers across the company . I reminded them that just in August of last year we were super stars and went above and beyond our goals , and since then we 've done nothing but miss goals . I told them I have been defending them since September and I no longer can or will defend them to my manager or our corporate team . I told them that I brought them in as a team because I wanted them all to understand that even one or two individuals who are slacking can bring down the rest of the team . More importantly , I let them know that if they are not willing to work hard while they are on my team , they will not continue to be on the team ( and they all know that means they will not have jobs ) . I ended the meeting on a positive note and told them to rest up over the weekend and be prepared to come in Monday and rock it . I believe the meeting was effective . I received emails from two senior people on the team who congratulated me on taking a stand and told me they respected me for what I said . I could tell the Mean Girls were slightly scared by my words , and I am looking forward to seeing what happens tomorrow . Will their attitudes change ? Will they start performing ? Will they stop slacking and browsing the internet ? I don 't know . But , what I do know is that my Mean Girls are all receiving their first round of written disciplinary action tomorrow . Perhaps that will force them to understand the importance of the situation . I suppose I 've always taken pride in my work and acted professional . I go to work to work . I feel very lucky to have the career I have and work for the awesome company I work for . I honestly believe these girls do not have a clue how lucky they are to have their jobs . One of them is a single mother , the other is recently engaged and planning her wedding , and the other lives on her own and takes care of her sickly little dog . They all need the money . I suppose we 'll see how this next week goes . I do not like to be this kind of manager . I want to lead my team to success , not have to deal with their professional immaturity . On to more important things . If you 've been keeping up , you know my husband came down with a severe case of vertigo last week . Unfortunately , he still has it . He has also experienced a myriad of other symptoms over the past week and a half which have scared him . I mentioned before how my husband is the strong one … never worried about anything . He always has the answers . This has scared him . He 's spent the past week and a half researching the internet whenever a new symptom arises , and now he believes he has the onset of Type 2 Diabetes . I read all the symptoms and what people experienced before they were diagnosed , and I am afraid . What he has experienced is extremely similar to those diagnosed with diabetes . However , I 've also read the symptoms related to mono , and many of his symptoms also point to that . Honestly , neither is desirable , but I 'd rather him have mono than diabetes . Either way , it sucks . He 's been very tired . He has been helping out with the kids , but has not felt like doing much else around the house . He seems a bit depressed , but that could be just from being tired . He goes back to our family doctor tomorrow morning for a check up on his blood pressure , and he plans to talk with the doctor about his findings and ask for a referral to see someone else . He wants to be tested for diabetes , mono , and would like an MRI . He 's never been concerned about his health until now , and now that he 's armed with a little bit of knowledge , he plans to stop at nothing to figure this out . He wants to feel normal . I don 't blame him . I couldn 't imagine having the spins for a week and not knowing what was causing them . I am completely cognizant of the fact that much worse things could happen and there are people out there dealing with much more debilitating health problems than he is , but for now , this is our reality . If any of you reading have experienced prolonged vertigo , red ears that are warm to the touch , upset stomach , fatigue , sore throat , and pressure in the ears , please let me know what your diagnosis was . We 've got two little boys who need two healthy parents … Unfortunately I have to spend the next few hours of today cleaning up my house . I 've neglected housework a bit this week . There 's a pile of laundry a mile high that I need to take care of , and mud in my carpet from my dumb ass dog who ran outside during a thunderstorm while we were out grocery shopping last night . ( If you 've kept up , you 'll know this it not the first time she has done this . We got home late last night to her pile of mud in the living room . She was covered in mud herself . I could have killed her . Time to come up with a different solution to the dog door . It 's my fault , I know . ) Normally , I am sad to see Sunday night . Sunday nights mean that the two days per week I can devote entirely to my family are over . It means hectic Monday morning is right around the corner . It means that I have to share my next five days with my colleagues and my family . I 'm always a bit sad on Sundays … but not this one . This past week was one for the books . Last weekend , my babies were sick and carried their germs into Monday , meaning I had to stay home with them . It was so great to be a temporary stay at home mom again . Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat crappy days at work as I had to deal with some of my immature team members and their usual pettiness . Wednesday night , I picked up my children as normal and met my husband at home . We both pulled into the driveway at the same time , and I started washing bottles and getting the kids ' stuff ready for the next day , and my husband cooked dinner . We sat down to a yummy dinner of pasta and chicken . About halfway through the meal , I noticed my husband was eating slowly . Not a minute after I noticed that , he looked at me and said " I don 't feel right . " He immediately started sweating and said he was very dizzy . I looked at him and asked him what he wanted me to do , and with worried eyes , he said " I don 't know . " I knew at that moment something was very wrong . My husband always knows the answer . He is always strong , always there . I ran to find my phone , silently freaking out . I asked my husband if he wanted me to call 911 and he said he didn 't know . Then I asked him if he wanted me to call his mom and he said yes . When she answered , I said " we have a problem . " My husband told her he was very dizzy and felt sick , and she said she 'd be right over . The plan was to take him to Patient First . I had already changed into my pajamas earlier that evening , and my sweet husband who always thinks about me , says " Do you want to go and change into regular clothes ? " That was the last thing on my mind . I did run upstairs to grab my shoes , and when I came back downstairs , my husband had crawled into the bathroom and was violently vomiting . It was a terrible sight . By that time , my toddler was crying in the family room ( I had to take him out of his high chair during the whole ordeal because he was crying to get out ) . My little baby was waking up in his bouncy seat that was perched on top of the dinner table and wanted to nurse . OMFG , this is a nightmare ! So many thoughts were running through my mind … . so many emotions tearing through my heart . I immediately started thinking the worst . I asked my husband if his arms or legs hurt , did he have tightness in his chest , did his head hurt , could he see clearly ? I realized I needed to get some bottles out since my mother - in - law was on her way over as she doesn 't know where things are in my kitchen . She also has a hard time navigating our stairs , so I ran up to the kids ' rooms to grab pjs , diapers , and anything else they would need to camp out in the living room . I had no idea how the night would go . Looking back on it now , I can 't believe I remembered to get things out for the kids . The whole time I was doing that my toddler was crying and my husband was vomiting and complaining of his dizziness . Once my mother - in - law arrived , I realized I had to run outside and move our truck out of the way ( my car would be easier for my husband to get into ) . It was pouring down rain , and I had tears pouring down my face . I was trying to be strong , trying not to worry . I prayed the entire time I was outside , asking God to please not let this be it for my husband . I told God I couldn 't do it on my own and asked him to please hear me . My mother - in - law helped my husband out of the house and into my car . I drove him to Patient First and talked to him the whole way there . I was afraid he was going to pass out and I could tell he wanted to go to sleep . When we arrived at Patient First , I ran inside to get him checked in and ran into my husband 's great aunt and her elderly mother - what a coincidence ! I asked for a wheelchair and I feel like it took the slow ass people at Patient First forever to get out there to my husband . I will say that they were able to take him almost right away . I think they were freaked out by how pale he looked when he came in . Not making us wait forever to be seen is just about the only thing they did right in my opinion . The nurse took my husband 's blood pressure and and temperature . His blood pressure was elevated and I started freaking out even more . She took us back to see the doctor and I explained the whole story to them . I could tell they thought I was overreacting and freaking out . I could tell they were annoyed with me . I 'm not sure if the doctor was trying to calm me down or not , but he just didn 't seem to be as concerned as I was . He did order an EKG for my husband and blood work and I appreciate that . But , from the beginning of the visit until the end , he kept saying it was probably just vertigo and there 's no need to worry . When we got the blood work back , my husband 's potassium was low but everything else checked out . The EKG however was another story . My husband 's heart rate was 51 bpm , and according to the doctor , that was very low . I could see the worry on his face and at that point , he did tell us we needed to see our family doctor the next morning and get his heart rate and blood pressure checked out . I immediately asked a ton of questions . Is this why he is dizzy ? Could it be a heart attack ? Why is his blood pressure high ? Why his is heart rate low ? Should we go to the ER ? I know the doctor thought I was crazy , but I needed answers and needed them now . At the end of the visit , the doctor sent us out of there with a prescription for anti - dizziness medication and said " best of luck . " I had one more question and asked the nurse to bring the doctor back in one more time . She was super annoyed about that and so was he . I asked what could have brought on the extreme sweating my husband was experiencing , and he said he didn 't know . Comforting . So , we left and sat in the parking lot for a minute contemplating our next move . I told my husband I wanted to take him to the ER and he told me he wanted to go back home . So , I followed his wishes and drove him home . I helped him inside and my mother - in - law was waiting with the babies . She had given them milk and was getting them ready for bed . My husband came in and sat at the kitchen table . My stomach was hurting terribly ( I started feeling sick myself as soon as my husband had initially started feeling bad ) and I needed to use the restroom . I was in there for just a minute when I heard my husband fall to the floor in the kitchen and start vomiting . Oh my God . I walked out of the restroom to find him in the floor vomiting into a plastic bag that had a hole in it . My mother - in - law was grabbing the Clorox Clean Up and my toddler was staring at my husband saying " Uh oh ! Uh oh ! " My husband decided he wanted to lay down on the couch so my mother - in - law helped him and I put my toddler to bed and snuggled him for a second . I told him that Daddy was going to be ok and that we loved him . I cried silently for a minute while snuggling my son . I didn 't want my husband or mom - in - law to hear me in the monitor . I didn 't believe the doctor at Patient First and still thought something was terribly wrong with my husband . I honestly believed that it was going to get worse and we 'd end up the ER that night . When I was putting my toddler to bed , thoughts about being a widow kept flashing through my mind . It made me extremely sad and all I could do was hug my son tighter . It was such an empty feeling and I hated it . I came back downstairs and my husband was on the couch and his eyes were closing . He was still extremely dizzy and nauseous and said the only thing that helped was to close his eyes . I knew he wanted to sleep but I was so afraid to let him . I just didn 't know what was going to happen . I was worried he was going to have a heart attack or brain aneurysm . My little baby was waking up to nurse and my mom - in - law wanted to go home and take a bath so she could come back over and stay the night . I told her we would be fine but that I would certainly appreciate it if she could stay over . I wasn 't used to being the one who took care of everyone including my husband . Sure , I could take care of the kids during the day while on maternity leave , but I was always comforted by the fact that my husband would be home that night . My husband is never sick and I never have to take care of him , so I truly felt I needed my mom - in - law here that night . My mother - in - law went home to take a shower and grab her pjs . She was gone for about an hour . My husband slept on the couch and I watched his chest to ensure he was breathing . I also Googled . I should not have done that . I Googled his symptoms and came across everything from an ear infection to impending death . I was terrified . When my mom - in - law came back around midnight , she settled in our living room on the couch . I was so thankful for her at that moment and so comforted by her presence . My husband woke up and said he wanted to go upstairs to our bed . I did not think this was smart . He could barely walk without falling over . But , he was determined and he made it up the stairs . He slept in his clothes and complained of being cold . This worried me even more - he 's never cold . I put my baby in the co - sleeper and crawled into bed beside my husband . I was exhausted but I could not sleep . I laid there for hours . I laid there until my son woke up to eat again . I Googled some more , and checked to ensure my husband was breathing . Normally he snores but he didn 't that night , so I watched him breathe . It was a terrible few hours for me . My husband woke up about once per hour and whenever he did , I asked how he felt and he said very dizzy and cold . I was hoping the symptoms would dissipate the more he slept but they did not . I finally drifted off to sleep around 3am and was back up to nurse my baby at 6am . I woke up to my baby crying and felt a sense of panic as I realized I had been asleep and not checking on my husband . He was breathing of course and even snoring a bit . I went downstairs and my mom - in - law was already up . We talked about the plan for the day . She was going to take my toddler with her back to her house so I could take my husband to our family doctor as soon as they opened . My husband woke up not long after and I helped him in the shower . We got ready and headed out to the family doctor . We know everyone in the office fairly well and the first thing they all commented on was how tired I looked and how pale my husband was . One of the staff members is a friend of my mother - in - law and when I told her the whole story and about my husband 's blood pressure and heart rate the night before , I saw the worry take over her face . I was ready to get to the back so they could check my husband 's vitals . I was relieved to find out that his levels were close to being back to normal . Thank the good Lord above . My husband was still extremely dizzy and unfortunately our family doctor didn 't have any better answers for us than the doctor at Patient First , but I still felt better because we were around people we knew … people who actually cared about our well - being . My husband was prescribed a patch to wear in addition to his dizziness medication . His diagnosis : unexplained vertigo . It has been a couple of days and he is still very dizzy , but feels better . He is able to function but not able to drive . He has helped out with the kids , done his laundry and other chores around the house . We even attended a birthday party Saturday and had friends and family over for a visit . He says he is getting used to being dizzy and learning how to navigate through it . Both doctors told us it could last for days . He goes back for a follow up visit next Monday . Fingers crossed he is no longer dizzy by then . I remember having a couple of dizzy spells when I was pregnant , and I couldn 't imagine functioning like that for several hours or days at a time . Sunday , we were worried that our toddler may have the same issue . He went to bed very late Saturday night and would not eat a good lunch or dinner Saturday . He in turn woke up very grumpy on Sunday . He said he was hungry so we fixed him fruit and a waffle . He ate very slowly but drank a lot more milk than he normally does . He was sitting in his high chair and looked very tired . He kept saying " all done " and " uh oh ! " I got him out of the high chair and he threw up all over me , the dog , and the kitchen floor . He looked very pale . My husband and I were so worried that he was dizzy and nauseous . We sat down with him and after a bit he said he was hungry , so I gave him a couple of snacks and some water and he threw up in the family room . After cleaning that up , I sat down with my son and he snuggled in my lap and fell asleep . He was better when he woke up from his nap . I ran out to the store and bought him some Pedialyte and crackers . He was better that evening . He ate a little dinner , took a second nap , and slept through the night . I tend to freak out and overreact about things , and I honestly thought the worst . I believed my husband was dying . I prayed to God and asked him to spare my husband . I saw my life as a widow . I thought about all of the things around the house I didn 't know how to do . I cried thinking my sons would never really get to know their Dad . I wondered if his family would take care of me . I worried about how I would make it without my husband , my protector , my best friend . My heart hurt and my brain was swimming with worry . It was a terrible feeling . I 've never been that worried in my life . I never want to feel that again . Unfortunately , I know I will have to feel that again . There may come a day when the end will be near for my husband , myself , or my sons and we will be fully cognizant of it . I am so afraid of that day . I am dreading it . I do not like to think about death . I am not ready for it and I do not believe I ever will be . This experience has been eye - opening for me . My husband and I need to live healthier lifestyles . Can you say physicals ? ? We also need to prepare and ensure our sons are taken care of when we pass away . Shame on us ; we do not have a Will . And finally , we need to live each day like we are dying . Who cares if the house is clean ? Why worry about crap that is happening at work when I 'm at home with my boys ? My main jobs in life are to be a wife and mother , and I am thankful to be employed 😉 PS - It has taken me a few days to finish this post , and my husband still has vertigo . He is still breaking out into sweats . He drove for the first time today and did ok . He is navigating through this but it is not easy . Does anyone have any recommendations for us ? We 've seen two doctors and are not sure what else to do at this point . There is no explanation , and the meds they gave him are not working … I kind of need my husband back at 100 % … Wow , I 've had a lot going on the past week or so . I thought that with each passing day , being back at work would be a bit easier , but it in fact has been more difficult . Work itself has been good . In fact , work is probably the best thing I had going for me this past week . It is no secret that my mother - in - law watches my children while the husband and I work . She 's great with the kids and my toddler truly loves being with her and granddaddy . When I was pregnant with my first son , she called and asked us if she could babysit . She practically interviewed for the job . It was very sweet and my husband and I agreed that she would be the best person to take care of our child . When we found out we were pregnant with the second , we practically told her before I had finished peeing on the stick . We needed to know if she wanted to watch both ( because not only does she have our two children but she also babysits one of her other grandchildren ) . She of course was ecstatic about the pregnancy and the new grandchild on the way and said she wanted to watch our two and the other grandchild - no problem ! She told us if she ever decided not to continue babysitting , she would give us at least six months to a year of notice . She would not and still will not take any money for it either , but we buy her nice things and help her and my father - in - law out with things around the house as much as possible . I must also mention that my MIL is a borderline hoarder . If you 've watched TLC 's Hoarding , think about one of the lesser cases they portray . That 's her . There are a number of reasons as to why she holds onto things . She 's been in the antique business for a number of years . When she initially started to collect , it was all supposed to be for the business . But , all of the stuff she bought kept coming into the house … and it got worse and worse . So bad that there was barely anywhere to sit when we went to her house to visit . We had to crawl over things to get to the kitchen table for family dinners , and we would trip over things in the foyer when walking in the house . My husband and his siblings would talk to her and help her clean up a bit and for a short while , the house would look nice again . Sadly , it wouldn 't take long to become a mess again . But , it was supposedly all for the business . Another reason we believe she holds onto things is because she does not own her own home . She lives in her deceased mother in law 's home . She was the primary caretaker for her own MIL for many years . She did everything for her . She did things for her that no one else would do . Her MIL passed away last year , and at first , my MIL cleaned up the house , painted , put in some new carpet , and appeared to be making it her own . It was starting to look good . It wasn 't perfect , but it was livable . The bedrooms , the attic , corners of the main rooms , and the garage were all still full of stuff . But , the main rooms ( den , living room , and kitchen ) were usable and looked decent . Here recently however , things took a turn for the worse . My MIL has decided to leave the antique business , and instead of getting rid of the merchandise , she brought most of it back to her house . I 'm not talking about old tables and chairs . I 'm talking about boxes of stuff . Random , mostly non - useful stuff . Small things . Things not suitable when you have toddlers running around . Over the past couple of weeks , the three rooms she used have become full of stuff . It 's everywhere . It 's on tables , chairs , it 's teetering off of the edge of old furniture , it 's piled so high that if you touch one part of it , a domino effect of falling stuff would happen . It 's on the changing table we gave her for the kids . It 's covering up the toys , exersaucer , and pack n plays . It 's on the kitchen table , counters , in the bathroom . It 's on the stairs . It 's on the front porch . It 's everywhere . It 's impossible to get in the door of the house without tripping over or stepping around stuff . I hate it . I have tried not to judge . I have tried not to complain but I hit my breaking point this week . She is watching my children - the two most precious things in my life . She brought so much shit in the house that the two toddlers had a five foot by five foot area to play in in the the living room ( a circle of space completely surrounded by stuff ) and a few feet of space to play in in the kitchen . That 's it . The huge den they used to play in ( the room that has the baby gates and was actually somewhat baby proof ) was so full you couldn 't walk in it . There were a couple of days that I found my toddler playing in the kitchen trash can because that 's the only area he had to be in . The trash can ! ! ! WTF . Every day leading up to this past week as I pulled out of the driveway , I prayed that my toddler would not get into a box of stuff and choke on something or accidentally knock into something that would create an avalanche of falling stuff that would hurt my little baby . Each morning when I dropped the kids off , my MIL would make an excuse as to why the house is a mess . I 've heard these same excuses now for years . I don 't buy them . I 'm not a fool . Finally , on Wednesday , I arrive to pick up the kids , and my MIL makes the comment that taking care of 3 is trying her patience . She said she constantly has to watch them . WTF . Are you serious ? ? ? She said she has to watch them because they try to get in all of her stuff . You put the stuff there lady ! ! ! You removed the children from the one room that was sort of baby proof that had all of their toys in it and have them playing in a five by five space that is surrounded by junk . All they have is that space and the f - ing trash can to play in . OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM ! ! ! This is not the first time I 've heard this . She has made a few snarky comments to me about babysitting 3 kids over the past year . Please remember that we asked her immediately upon finding out we were pregnant with number 2 if she was willing to watch the baby or if we needed to find another sitter … and she told us she absolutely wanted to . We gave her an out . So , back to Wednesday night . I didn 't say anything and packed up my kids and left . I arrived home and told my husband about her comment and that we needed to find an alternative . I was not about to allow my two precious babies to be in that environment anymore . My MIL was evidently overwhelmed and frustrated with her house , and watching the three children was too much . I was pissed . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . We were supposed to be given ample time to figure out a new situation if we needed one . My husband believes his mother is a few steps away from crazy , so he understands my frustration and he too feels my pain . However , he doesn 't want to hear me talk about it . I asked him to do something about it and talk to his mother as she is not my own mother and I do not feel comfortable having that type of conversation with her . It was time to ask her how she truly felt and if she honestly wanted to continue watching the children . It was time to find out if she wanted to watch the three she is currently watching … as well as the fourth that is on the way ! No , it 's not me . My sister in law is preggo with number 2 and her first is the other grandchild my MIL watches . I asked my husband not to yell at his mom or argue with her about all of the stuff . I asked him to have a dialogue with her and find out what is going on with her , all of the stuff , and if she even wants to continue watching the kids . I beg him not to yell at her . Nothing is accomplished that way and she is already extremely defensive about all of her stuff to begin with … no matter how you talk to her . On Thursday night , he tells me he went over to his mom 's that morning and blasted her . I was so upset . What would that solve ? ? I then become angry at him because it seems the whole situation is spiraling out of control . All I wanted to do was to figure out what is going on in his mother 's head and find out if she truly wants to continue watching the kids . I didn 't want to create a family argument . I try to explain this to my husband , who then tells me it 's none of my business what he said to her and that I don 't know what he said . Then I remind him that he told me he went over to her house and " blasted her " and he then basically lets me know he lied about that and doesn 't have to tell me what they talked about . This , I do not agree with . My children are over there . They spend more time over there during the week than they do with me . I have every right to know what is going on . I completely understand that I asked my husband to talk to his mother , but that 's only because she doesn 't listen to me and I don 't feel comfortable talking to her about those things . Before my husband talked to her , I even told him I would be a part of the conversation if he wanted me to be , and he said he would handle it . All I wanted to do was find out if she was ok and do the right thing for our children . Unfortunately , the situation turned into a yelling match between my husband and I . The arguing ran all the way into Friday morning . I was so frustrated because I didn 't know if there was a solution to the situation . Does she still want to babysit ? Is she going to clean up her house and actually provide a safe environment for my children ? What are we going to do about finding the money to pay for a daycare or another sitter ? How will my kids adjust to a new place ? How in the hell am I going to find a new sitter with such short notice ? I had all of these thoughts running around in my head and I was upset . My husband was no longer listening to me and did not want to deal with it . I tried to explain to him that he was just like his mom when it came to that stuff - not listening , thinking he is right no matter what , etc . He doesn 't think he 's like her at all , but the reason the two of them do not see eye to eye is because they are so much alike . But that 's a whole other topic . Anyway , I couldn 't take it anymore . I was trying to eat my breakfast and give my toddler his breakfast . I was crying . I was just so mad that my MIL had let her house turn into a pile of shit again , that my husband was purposely lying to me about whatever conversation he had with her , and that my kids were caught in the middle of the craziness . If I 'm crying during an argument , my voice gets louder . I can 't help it . I am not trying to yell . Well , on Friday morning , my husband apparently thinks I 'm trying to yell at him , so he mocks me and begins yelling back . And , this makes my toddler cry . He looks at his dad yelling at me and begins crying . I console him and he hugs me . I try to finish his breakfast and my husband yells again because he thinks I 'm yelling at him , and my toddler starts crying AGAIN . Shit . We have turned into my parents . Our actions are causing our son to be afraid and cry . At that moment , I feel like a failure . My husband and I were doing the exact thing I never wanted us to do . We were fighting in front of our son and he was crying because of it . I went through an entire childhood of this . I told myself I 'd never let this happen to my own children . I 'd never put them through the pure hell I experienced as I kid . I sat in the kitchen beside my son and consoled him . I looked out the window and sobbed . I told my husband I couldn 't be with him if it was going to be like this . We 'd already thrown out the big D word several times during the argument . But , this time , I meant it . I was willing to get divorced rather than put my kids through hell . It is not fair to them . I will NOT live this way . I couldn 't deal with it anymore so I went upstairs and took a shower . We had to be at the doctor for checkups for our sons and I needed to get ready . I cried in the shower . I couldn 't understand why things had spiraled so out of control . Why can 't my MIL understand that her house is unsafe for my kids ? Why does she think it 's ok to have piles of shit laying around every square inch of her house ? Why won 't she listen to us about cleaning it up and ensuring it is safe for the kids ? Why isn 't my husband able to have a meaningful conversation with her about it ? Why do I not have the fortitude to talk to her myself ? Why can 't my husband just listen to me and let me vent without accusing me of being a bitch and nagging ? Why is all of this so hard ? But , then I realize , life is hard . Nothing worth doing is easy . Having kids is not easy . Dealing with the in - laws is not easy . A marriage is not easy … at all . All we can do is make the most of it . I take my shower and much like the water rinses the dirt off my body and down the drain , I let all of the emotions of the past week go down the drain too . There 's nothing else I can do . My MIL is going to continue to collect crap and do what she wants with it . My husband will be combative with her because they are so much alike . We will continue to argue throughout our entire marriage because we are completely different people who rarely see eye to eye on anything . All I can do is love my kids , respect my husband and his opinions , and do what I can to keep the peace . I will do my best to ensure my kids have a safe and loving environment no matter where they are . They are my priority . I don 't want a divorce . I love my husband . He 's got his faults , but I do too . He takes care of me and he loves the boys more than anyone . He has stuck by me through a lot and he 's a good man . I never want to not be with him . But , in the heat of arguments , I feel differently . All I can do is ensure we do not argue in front of the kids . They deserve the best life we can give them , and unlike my parents , I must choose a different path … A path not filled with fighting , arguing , and name - calling . It was selfish of my parents to not protect my brother and I from that . Remember , my family told me to " break the cycle " and this is another step in that journey . I will break the cycle of arguing in front of my children . I will not allow my marriage to end in divorce . * Disclaimer - Since this was written , my MIL has actually made some big strides in making sure the house is in suitable condition for the children . I believe my husband may have given her an ultimatum when he spoke with her - clean up or we are taking the kids elsewhere . There 's a long way to go , but she 's making an effort . She 's working with another family member who is much more patient with her than any of the rest of us . The other family member is willing to have a conversation with my MIL about each item before they decide what to do with it , whereas the rest of us just want to light a match to the place . We will see how it all turns out . * * To my husband - I love you and do not want us to argue like we did this past week . Let 's not allow the choices our family members make interfere in our lives like this again . You are my rock and even though you may not think so , you do keep me sane 😉 OMG . Kids are so expensive . We are spending a ton of money every month . We hit up the grocery store and / or Sams Club at least once per week . My toddler eats fruit like it 's going out of style … and now he 's catching on to veggies and loving those too . In addition to fresh , expensive produce , he loves all things dairy . Milk , yogurt , cheese , eggs … He loves crackers , raisins , juice , etc . He eats a lot . He eats way more than I expected a year and a half old would eat , and we are feeling the pinch . Our grocery bill has more than doubled . I know I know , I should have planned for this when we were preggo . I did mentally prepare for it , but nothing could prepare my wallet for it . Not only do we spend a large amount of money in food every month , but we constantly need something for ourselves or the kids . Just when I think we are getting to a point in our lives where there 's nothing we need to buy , it turns out I was wrong . We just finished scoping out and purchasing a decent metal swing set for the backyard . Our son likes to be outside and since we can 't really afford to take him anywhere , we 'll at least have something for him to do here at home . Of course , you can 't just buy a swing set these days . We also had to buy a toddler swing , sand for the sandbox part of it , and some chairs for us to sit in while we are out in the yard with the kids . My husband was gracious enough to go to the grocery store , Sams Club , Lowes , and Toys R Us today to get everyting on our list $ 700 later , he is home . I am so scared . We had to put all of it on the credit card and have had to do that for the past month as I have missed two paychecks due to my maternity leave . When he got home with everything , I thought to myself , " Great , we just bought the last big thing we 'll need for a while . " No sooner had that thought crossed my mind , then the damn baby gate at the top of the stairs breaks . Awesome . I shouldn 't be mad . We 've been using it for a year and it was free ( thank the Lord for good friends and hand - me - downs ) . So , off to the store again tomorrow to spend more money . I just checked our credit card balance - almost maxed out . I can 't stand it . Someone please stop the bleeding . In one of my earlier posts , I mentioned how we are going to be on a debt reduction plan and that starts April 1st . We will be on a tight budget and will have to stick to it to make this work . If we can 't , we 'll be bankrupt . Neither of us have been very good with money , but now that we have the means to put money toward debt reduction , it 's almost impossible to do so . Probably should have thought about this before we had kids . Oh well . I stress about money a lot . I hate it . The more we make , the more we spend . I suppose that 's the American way . I worry all the time that we will not be able to provide for the kids , or that the car will break down and we can 't afford to fix it . ( Wait , we 've already got that going on . My husband 's car is sitting in the driveway because we can 't afford to fix it . Thank God it 's not one of the cars we carry the kids around in . ) We 've done this to ourselves and I really shouldn 't make any excuses . I am taking accountability for the fact that we are strapped . If we didn 't have revolving debt , we could probably afford another house . The only thing we can do is get out of it . It 'll be a difficult couple of years , but we can do it . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that interest rates stay where they are and gas prices go down . I 'm fortunate to be in a job where I am eligible for performance raises each year , so I 've got to make sure I do whatever I can to get one of those . I shouldn 't complain because there are so many people in much worse situations than me . I realize this . I realize I probably sound like I 'm whining , but this is my reality . It 's no secret that my husband and I want a third child , but that will not happen anytime soon . I 'm just not sure how we 'd pay for him / her , so we 'll be holding off on that plan for quite some time . Thank you to Stacey Sprague of Little Boys are Made of Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails for the Stylish Blogger Award ! Check out her blog for advice , giveaways , and blog hops . Thank you Stacey ! ! Goodnight Moon . A classic . My older son loves that book . He loves searching the pages for the moon and balloon , and he laughs every time we say " bowl full of mush . " It is incredibly cute . Right now , I feel like my brain is a bowl full of mush . I 've been back to work for a week and I can 't decide if I 'm happy or sad . My job is very stressful right now . In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how I was going back to a mess at work . It actually hasn 't been as bad as I thought and I 'm making headway . Since I 've been back , productivity has already increased , but it 's not easy . At all . When I 'm at work , I miss the boys , but I am happy at work . I enjoy my colleagues and I feel valuable , important , and like I 'm truly making a difference . When I 'm at home , however , I do not miss my work . Sure , I think about it , but I do not miss it . Tonight , my husband read my toddler a story as he settled down into his bed , and I sat beside the bed and held his hand . After the story was over , my husband left the room , and I just sat there with my arm on my son . He was holding it close with both hands … almost hugging it . And , I cried . I miss him . I miss my sons even when I 'm with them . My brain is so full of all of the details of my life and is working so hard to keep them all in order , that I can 't even focus on my own children when I 'm with them . I keep thinking back to my maternity leave and wondering if I did all that I could to make that a special time for my toddler . Did he have fun being home with mommy ? Did I give him enough attention and play time ? The other day when I picked the boys up from my mother - in - law 's , my toddler did not want to leave . He absolutely loves his " dadaddy " and " mamaw . " He threw a fit when I attempted to put him in the car seat . He cried and straightened up his whole body so I couldn 't get him in the seat . I finally had to get his dadaddy to help . I love that he loves his grandparents and that 's genuinely happy when I leave him there , but I hate it at the same time . Am I that un - fun ? ( I realize that 's not a word , but you know what I mean . ) I feel like I 'm already losing my toddler . I know that may sound ridiculous , and it 's a difficult feeling to describe . He doesn 't need me . He is perfectly content with his mamaw and dadaddy … or whoever he happens to be around at the time . In some of my earlier posts I 've talked about how independent my son is . He 's truly a special boy . He 's happy most of the time and loves everyone . He 's taken to his toddler bed like he 's been sleeping in it his whole life ( and he 's only a year and a half - today as a matter of fact ) . He says 200 plus words , tells me what he needs and when he needs it , has started potty training , and is all around amazing . I keep trying to remember what it was like when he was a baby and my brain feels like mush . I can 't seem to remember the feeling of holding him or what he looked like at certain ages . Sure , I have pictures , but I am having such a difficult time remembering . And , it wasn 't that long ago ! I 've heard other moms talk about how they 'll never forget the feeling of holding each of their children in their arms and all of their first moments . Why am I struggling with this ? I 'm already starting to lose some of the memories of my second son when he was a tiny little baby , and he 's only three months old . I blame it on work . I blame it on our fast - paced life . I blame it on myself . Part of me wonders if I would feel differently if I were a stay at home mom ? My job is so stressful , but I love the challenge . But , at the same time , I wonder if I could do without the challenge … and the identity I 've created for myself at work . I can 't do without the paycheck , but each day the thought has crossed my mind that I could do without this job . I get so caught up in it , so caught up in the chores at home , so caught up in other people 's issues , that I am forgetting my memories of my own children . I 've been back to work for exactly a week now and my head feels like a bowl full of mush . I 'm happy , I 'm sad , I 'm angry , I 'm stressed , I 'm all . over . the . place . I 'm mad at my husband and at myself , and I 'm having a tough time understanding why . Some days on the way home I just drive and stare straight ahead … no radio … no phone . I try to switch off the work brain , clear my head , and turn on the mommy brain . My mind swims with the details of it all . Did I submit the correct report at work ? Do we have enough juice for the rest of this week for my toddler ? Did I pay the bill for our new mattress ? When does my car need oil again ? Have we given our baby enough tummy time and when is he supposed to roll over ? After I run down the list of questions in my head , then I start to worry that I 'll forget the answers and a detail of my life will be missed . I 'm so fearful of waking up one morning and not having enough juice for my toddler or realizing that I left my pumped breast milk on the counter instead of freezing it … I honestly believe I spend so much time worrying about the details and am so fearful of missing one , that I 'm missing the point of all of this all together . I 'm just not quite sure how to clear my head , get rid of the mush , and focus on what 's most important . In some of my earlier posts I talk about my nut - job parents , and I 'm so fearful of turning into them . I 've seem some of their crazy ass traits in myself this past week ( temper , OCD , snapping at the people I love , being overly pessimistic ) and I need these to go away . I do not want to end up like my mom … who called me today to let me know my great Uncle passed away but quickly turned the conversation into why my step - dad is being mistreated at work because his colleagues are all idiots . Really ? Was that really the time to bash perfect strangers ? Please lady , I 've heard it all from you before . You think everyone you 've ever come into contact with in a professional setting is an idiot . On the other hand , I do not want to end up like my dad who is sad , broke , and alone with just his material possessions that he has perfectly displayed and spaced on the tables in his house ( that 's a whole other story ) . Any advice for this mom would be much appreciated . I suppose I just need help clearing my head and setting some priorities . I need to give up control of some things . I can 't do it all . I need to stop worrying that I 'll turn into my parents . I need to focus . I made it through my first week of being a working mom of 2 , and I can 't say I enjoyed it . The morning routine now has an extra hour to hour and a half and a ton of stress for me . There were two mornings where I had everything packed up for the next day , and those mornings were wonderful . There were two that I was not prepared , and they sucked ass . The evenings were just as stressful … one in particular . On Thursday , we had rain and storms all day here . We have a dog door because our older dog cannot go long periods of time without using the bathroom . Our dogs will bark incessantly if left outside , so instead of paying the thousands of dollars to have their voice boxes removed , we chose the less expensive route of the dog door . I hate it . We have white carpet … this does not mix well with a dog door and muddy yard . I am constantly scrubbing the carpet . Resolve is my friend . You are welcome Reckitt Benckise . On Thursday , I arrived at my mother - in - law 's after work to find a screaming baby who had barely eaten all day . That has been the norm this week . My little baby has not taken to the bottle well at all . We gave him bottles throughout my maternity leave and he did ok , and we were really hoping he would carry that on when I went back to work . Not . the . case . He is barely eating and holding out to nurse . And this is very frustrating as you can imagine . I work 45 minutes from my mother in law 's so it 's not like I can run home and nurse him real quick . I 'm sad at work thinking about him struggling and not eating . And , it 's certainly not easy on my mother - in - law . She 's tried all types of nipples and bottles and nothing is working . We had the same issue with my firstborn and it took him about two weeks to figure it out . So , I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for the same thing with my little baby . So , back to Thursday . I arrived at my mother - in - law 's and nursed my baby a little . She also wanted me to try giving him a bottle … and that only made him more angry . So , he was screaming , I was hungry , my first son was grumpy because he was hungry , and my mother - in - law 's house was hot as hell and I was sweating . I was so ready to get out of there . Upon arriving to my house on Thursday , I was greeted by a pile of mud on the carpet and in the foyer when I opened the front door . F - ing great . My husband was upstairs washing both dogs . I quickly realized what had happened . One of our dogs had gone outside during the thunderstorm , rolled in the mud under our deck , and brought it back in … and shook it everywhere . There was mud on the carpet , all over the kitchen floor and rugs , and on the walls . So , from 8pm to midnight , we cleaned up mud . My husband cleaned the dogs and the kitchen and I scrubbed the carpet and the walls . Somehow we managed to feed our firstborn and get him in the bed , and I nursed my little baby a couple of times and rocked him to sleep . I finally ate some dinner at midnight - burned popcorn and an old piece of chicken from the refrigerator . Awesome . Thursday night made me sad . It made me hate the dogs , hate the fact that I have to work , and realize that the few very short hours I had with my children that night were wasted on cleaning up the house because my dogs suck . On top of all that , my little baby has been waking up and throwing up in the middle of the night which means even less sleep for me . It was a crazy couple of days and in the middle of it all , I didn 't think I had the patience to deal with it any longer . I can 't describe how angry I was when I saw all the mud in my house . This is my HOME , not a damn dog house . But , it 's my fault . I should have locked them in the house that day . Lesson learned . But , work is going ok and I feel valuable and important there . I miss my little boys tremendously , but I 'm a better mom because I work . Friday night was great . We played with our sons , made a decent dinner , and I had a couple of glasses of wine . Both kids slept great . We had a nice breakfast this morning . Sure , the house is a bit messy , the yard is starting to need some attention , and I have three to four loads of laundry to do , but that 's life I suppose . Despite that my past few days were full of ups and downs , I am lucky and I shouldn 't complain . My heart goes out to all of the people affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan . I am sad for their country and I realize that life is precious and I should really not waste my time complaining about shit that doesn 't matter . This is that whole pessimism thing I inherited from the ' rents … still trying to choose the optimistic version of myself . As you can tell , I struggle every day . Post my button on your blog & let me know ! I 'll follow you & promote your site on my blogroll ! I look forward to reading your blog ! < a href = " https : / / holycrapimsomeonesmommy . wordpress . com " target = " _ blank " >< img src = " http : / / anony . ws / di - 1979 . jpg " alt = " Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! " width = " 125 " height = " 125 " />< / a > Are you a Bloggy Mom ? ? Business to Blogger Friendly Blog Check for great giveaways . Good Friends Just Click ! Hop a little Tuesday ! Check out other moms who blog ! I 'm on Mama 's Little Nestwork ! Copyright 2011 . Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! All rights reserved . No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted . Back to top Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
I am married to a Christian illusionist . Therefore , I travel all over the country where we perform shows that are filled with magic and a message about the saving power of Jesus Christ . I act as assistant as well as stage manager , stage hand , and many other behind the scenes jobs . One night , we were at the grand opening of a church . A guy was walking by and heard laughter and saw that the door was open , so he walked in and watched the show not knowing what was going on . He came in and watched the show . Usually , when Brock invites people to follow Jesus toward the end of the show , he sends them to the back . This guy didn 't wait for the invitation nor did he go to the back . He simply began walking down the center aisle to the front . As he walked , he took off his shirt . It was an odd thing to see a guy halfway stripping in a church . All eyes were on this guy as he walked toward the front of the building . He threw the shirt on the stage and hit his knees . You could see his shoulders shaking with sobs . Brock picked up the t - shirt to discover that it was an Emenim shirt with a bloody chainsaw on it . The guy was declaring to God and everyone in there that he was changing his life and giving it over to the Lord . To this day , I still have that Eminem shirt hanging in my prayer closet . Because of that shirt , I am reminded to pray for Eminem . I am praying that the Lord will grab a hold of him and not let go . In the same fashion , back in the Marilyn Manson days , a guy at one of our shows had on all of the make - up . During the invitation , he went into the bathroom and washed off all of his Marylyn Manson make - up declaring that he was making a big change . It was a physical display of his internal decision to follow Christ . Because Brock 's an illusionist , we have witches come to the show on occasion . One night , seven of them came . Four out of the seven gave their lives to Christ . One of them even turned over her necklace , which she had called her " life source " as a witch . Another night , one of the church leaders came to us before the show began and told us that there was a girl in the audience who was a witch . She had only come to cause problems . After doors opened , one of our team members came to us and said that something was not right . He could feel it in his spirit . We told him about the girl who was present . All of us prayed that she would not distract . The venue was a gym and the place was packed , so we did not see or hear her . However , a leader kept an eye on her the whole time . She sat on the back row against the wall . During the show , she had what looked to be like voodoo dolls and was chanting curses on us . When Brock got to the message , a weird thing happened . She passed out against the wall ! After the invitation , she woke back up . We don 't know exactly what happened there , but our prayers were answered . In the time it mattered , she did not distract . We had crazy things happening at our shows , too . While we were performing at a school assembly in North Carolina to promote our show that night , someone overheard a group of guys saying that they were going to come that night and " kill the preps . " They had made t - shirts saying things like " Keep Christians away from public schools " and " Leave and don 't come back . " That was directed at us . We took their threat seriously and got extra security for the show . One of the ministers we would share the stage with that night said that at least if we died , we would go out telling the gospel of Jesus Christ . The guys came that night wearing trench coats . They stood in the middle of the audience in a silent protest even as people were seated . No violence occurred thank the Lord . After the show , Brock got to share with the protesters . Basically , they were atheists , so Brock told them about all of the miracles the Lord had done in our lives through prayer . Then , he said that he was going to pray to that same God for them . The ringleader quickly said , " No ! I don 't want you to pray for me . " A week later , one of the guys in that group emailed Brock saying that what he had said got to him . He had given his life to Jesus . A few weeks after that , we found out that the leader of that group had been arrested . He had guns and ammunition and a hit list . The ones who were on the hit list were the students who prayed around the flagpole . The way they found out about him was that one person in his group informed the authorities about his plan . I cannot help but wonder if it was the one guy in that group who had turned his life over to the Lord that night . I had another scare one time when we were parked in downtown Nashville in the big rig . Brock was having coffee with our friend , Michael from the worship band , Pocket Full of Rocks . I had gone back to the truck to hang out . A little while later , Brock knocked on the back door . I knew that it was Brock because nobody but him would knock on the back door . People who were not familiar with the truck would knock on the door in the front by the steering wheel . Just to be sure , I looked out the side window of the truck . I saw Michael standing across the street . So , I went to open the back door . As I was reaching to unlock it , the verse entered my mind , " Do not be afraid . For I will never leave you . " I quickly retracted my hand from the door thinking , " Why did I just think of that verse out of the blue ? " Instead of opening the door , I called Brock on the phone . No , he was not at the back door . He was still at the coffee shop with Michael . I looked out the window again , and " Michael " was not standing there . I am not sure who it was that was standing there before . We routinely stopped at a truck stop in Alabama one day . I had been sleeping in the back but awoke when the truck pulled to a stop . I slipped out the back door to go to the restroom . When I came out , I saw Brock pulling the truck out . I realized that he didn 't know I had gone inside the gas station , so I began to run toward him . He was going really quickly in the truck ! By the time I reached the passenger door , I was in a full on sprint ! I banged on the door ! Brock never stopped . He just threw open the door and pulled me quickly into the truck . Then , he peeled out of there ( as much as a Freightliner can " peel out " ) . I soon found out that some guy was trying to get inside of the truck . It started when the guy tried to get Brock away from the truck by telling him that his friend had won the lottery . He wanted Brock to come over and see the lottery ticket and something about a news channel being present . Brock got a weird feeling so he began to leave . As he was driving off , the guy was running next to him on his side of the truck . So , he went faster . He didn 't know that I was running up on the other side of the truck at that same time . We later found out that the state of Alabama didn 't even have a lottery . He was trying to carjack us ! For the next few days I am going to tell stories from the time we lived on the road . For two years ( 2001 - 2002 ) we lived in our truck . It 's actually called a totorhome . People use it to haul racecars . We used it to carry a magic show , and we lived in it . We had no other house or home . Here is the Freightliner : Inside , we had a bed , couch , tv , kitchenette , and bathroom . It was a fun time . After finishing a show , we would go back and sit in the truck and pull out the atlas . Then , we would decide where we wanted to go before our next show . We traveled all over the country in that truck - - - Yellowstone National Park , the Grand Canyon , California , Washington state , Washington D . C . , New York City , Niagra Falls , Pensacola Beach , FL , etc . This last one was our favorite place to go . During those two years that we strictly lived in our truck , we stayed at a campground in Pensacola , FL called Fort Pickens a lot . It was situated on the end of the island surrounded by the whitest beaches and beautiful emerald colored ocean . There were many a mornings when I would step off of the truck and directly onto the sand . We stayed in campgrounds , truck stops , and Walmart parking lots all over the nation . We also stayed at our parents ' or friends ' houses for extended lengths of time . Life on the road is an unusual life with extreme experiences which you will soon see . . . My heart is heavy this year . I know so many that are not looking forward to Christmas because of broken families or loosing a loved one . I think of Thomas Young 's family and several others who got divorced this year . I want you to know that I am praying for those of you out there who are not looking forward to Christmas because it 's a reminder of what used to be but is not now . Even if I don 't know your name or circumstance , know that I serve a Lord that does . He wants to shower you with His love . He is the ultimate comforter . " Lord , I pray for everyone out there who are missing Christmases past . I pray for their hurt . Heal them . If they need to forgive , help them to do so . If they need to let go of some resentment or bitterness , enable that to happen . Bring restoration in some sort of fashion . If they need comfort , comfort them in a way that only You can do . Most of all , display Your power and sovereignty in their lives . " I am weeping right now just feeling the hurt of so many out there . I wish that I could take all of that hurt away . I cannot . I can only offer prayers to my Lord Who can do anything . He can even transcend space and time by answering a prayer made on a silly blog . We had our office Christmas party at a pottery painting place called " All Fired Up " this year . I 've never been to one of these places , so it was fun ! Here 's the tea kettle we painted . The top was not on it at the time , but it was yellow too . We want to make moroccan tea in it . It 's our favorite ! Here 's the whole gang ! Last week , we went to an art show for Lindsey Little . She has such great art . I stopped in front of one picture and looked at it for a while . I got one of those weird deja vu feelings . Then , it donned on me why . A few months ago , when we went to San Francisco , we ate at this amazing Chinese restaurant ( the best Chinese food I 've ever had ) . Across the street was a building and I felt like I needed to take a picture of the windows in it . So , I did ! As I was standing in front of almost the same picture , I realized what had happened . I had gone to Lindsey 's art show the year before and saw the picture of these windows on this building . It was in my subconscious to snap a picture when I saw the same windows , but I didn 't know why . I pulled Lindsey over to the picture and asked her if she took it in San Francisco . She said that yes , she had . It was across the street from the best Chinese food restaurant she 'd ever eaten at ! Not only did we take the same picture , but in all of San Fran , we 'd eaten at the same restaurant ! That 's crazy ! Here 's my picture : If you go to Lindsey 's website and browse through her photography , you can find the same picture . I 'll tell you what else is crazy . . . that would be Brock . At the party , I saw him slip a cookie into my friend , Amy 's , purse , and then Lindsey ( the Fire - eater ) , and then another girl 's purse . All of them went home not knowing anything was amiss . A couple of days later , I read Amy 's twitter and it said , " cleaning out my purse trying to find a key . . . and there 's a chocolate cookie with little teeth marks in here . . . How does that happen ? " Then , Lindsey 's tweeted , " haha . . . Me too ! I have a feeling @ brockgill had something to do with that . . . " It was funny ! If you have not read my blogs about the near kidnapping incident in Mexico , then go here , here , here , and here before you read the rest of this post . There were two verses that I really clung to during this time of the dreams and hawk , Psalm 91 : 4 and Psalm 17 : 8 . I memorized those verses , but yesterday I decided to read the verses around them . Psalm 17 : 8 says , " Keep me as the apple of your eye ; hide me in the shadow of your wings . . . " I stopped there . Why did I do that ? There is not even a period there . The next verse says this , " from the wicked who assail me , from my mortal enemies who surround me . " Wow ! This would have given me a clue that it would be people , and they did literally surround us . Then , listen to the whole passage in Psalm 91 . " He will cover you with His feathers , and under His wings you will find refuge ; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart . " That 's verse 4 that I memorized , but look at verses 9 - 13 : " If you make the Most High your dwelling - - - even the Lord , Who is my refuge - - - then no harm will befall you , no disaster will come near your tent . For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways ; they will lift you up in their hands , so that you will not strike your foot against a stone . You will tread upon the lion and the cobra ; you will trample the great lion and the serpent . " Wow ! I wish that I would have read that last January when I discovered this passage . I am so dense sometimes . The Lord wanted to tell me so much more , but I did not read the rest of the passage ! Read the last verses of this passage : " ' Because he loves me , ' says the Lord , ' I will rescue him ; I will protect him , for he acknowledges My Name . He will call upon me , and I will answer him ; I will be with him in trouble , I will deliver him and honor him . ' " Lots of great food ! Lots of wonderful people ! This is everyone looking at this girl whom has adopted 13 kids in Africa by herself . We think that she would be perfect for Aaron . He goes over to Africa to help the people there in the same area ! Brock is talking about how much food he ate . Then , he gathers everyone 's attention and turns it over to Lindsey Little to share . She is the one sitting on the arm of the sofa . People with the gifts they acquired during the white elephant exchange . This is so funny ! We had our annual Christmas party last Sunday night . It was fun ! We had a feast of porkloin , grilled chicken , bean bundles , potatoes , cheese balls and crackers , homemade angel food cake and banana pudding , and more . The food was great and the company was wonderful . We had 17 people over . After dinner , Lindsey Little shared some amazing stories from her mission work in India . She is such an inspiration . Her life is a mission for the Lord . We raised over $ 500 toward her next adventure overseas . She is having an art show tonight to tell more stories and raise money for her trip next year . Please pray for her if you think about it . She is literally on the front lines . Then , we did our traditional white elephant gift exchange . It did not disappoint . Some of the highlights were a plunger , a homemade sugar cookie in the shape of Elvis , and a cassette tape from the 80 's including " Jessie 's Girl . " What a night ! The shows Wednesday in Stockbridge , GA went super well . The people there at the Community Bible Church were wonderful to work with . They helped us with every move of set up and tear down . It was still a lot of work , though . Three shows in one day was tiring . It was worth it , though . After doing two school assemblies , many people whom would not normally attend a church came that night . Then , we saw a remarkable response to the gospel of Jesus . During the invitation , I realized something that I have taken for granted so many times before . Every time Brock gives the gospel , I can feel the presence of the Lord externally . I feel Him quite often internally because the Holy Spirit resides in me . However , feeling Him move throughout that building was indescribable . I could not even see the crowd or anything because I was backstage . However , the emotions I had were incredible . This is how it usually goes and Wednesday was no exception . I begin praying backstage over the crowd . Then , when I feel the Holy Spirit show up in all of His power and glory , I change my prayer to : " Despite me , please come and do Your thing . " I immediately begin confessing sin . Then , I remember the audience , so I begin praying for them again . The Lord then basically says , " I am dealing with the people in the crowd but let 's talk about you . " He is working all throughout the room with each individual even me . He can do that . It 's such an amazing time that it is rather addictive . I am feeling so refreshed ! I see now why it was necessary for me to take some time off . Not only was my patience running thin , but I was loosing touch with everyday life . We have such a unique lifestyle that " regular " life was slipping away . Loosing touch is the death of an artist and a minister . You cannot relate with people and meet them where they are if you don 't have any common ground . Plus , I feel that if you are an entertainer , you are a servant . You are providing your audience with a service . Therefore , they are your main concern . I was getting distracted and did not have a servant heart lately . . . at least not on the road . I feel revived and ready to serve again now ! Pray for us today . We have two school assemblies and a show tonight in Stockbridge , GA . Pray that the shows goes smoothly and attendance is great . Pray that the Lord will work in the hearts of the people present . I got the hiccups yesterday for a couple of hours . Every time I get them , I am worried that I 'll have them forever like the poor little girl I saw on the news . I immediately tried holding my breath to get rid of them . It did not work . Brock looked it up online and told me to gargle water . I did that , and it did not work ! As I was still in the kitchen , I heard a loud knock at the door . We live so far out in the country that this is rare . Brock asked me to get it . Nobody was at the door , and I could not see a car . I turned around , hiccuping as I did , and Brock was smiling . I guess that he was trying to get my mind off of it , or scare me , or something . It did not work . 19 out of 20 people said that downing a teaspoon of sugar worked , so I tried it . To my surprise , straight up sugar is not good . I definitely have a sweet tooth , but this was not the cure . However , was the cure for my hiccups ! My hiccups were gone ! What causes hiccups anyway ? My two months off officially ends today . We are performing in Georgia tomorrow and Wednesday , so it 's back on the road for me . Pray for those shows . I am nervous about getting back into it . Well , I stuck with my schedule as far as hanging out with people . I am going to continue having date night on Mondays . ( I really like that ! ) I have found a girls group whom I meet with on Tuesday nights that I am going to keep . They are wonderful girls whom I have made a connection with quickly . All of the other stuff has faded away which is fine , because my life is about to get busy again . I did not do any of the projects I planned to do except one ( out of about 7 ) . I cleaned out one closet , but it was our clothes closet , and I do that every year when it 's time to switch from summer to winter clothes . I am going to count that ! However , I did rest a lot . I built up some relationships with some wonderful girls here in town . I feel rejuvenated and relaxed . I am actually excited about getting back on the road tomorrow ! My life just became busy this week . I am now a member of the busy club again . I am ready for it ! Just when I was beginning to get a little bored , things began to pick up . We went to a Christmas party on Monday night . Tuesday , I was in a conference all day . Tuesday night , I went to my village meeting . Wednesday , we had the entire Reach Your City staff and a lot of the ministers over for dinner . Yesterday , Brock and I went to a meeting . Then , I went for my quarterly haircut appointment . It took over two hours . ( I am supposed to go every 6 weeks , but it 's too expensive and time consuming . Therefore , I let it go for a few extra weeks . I just wore a hat for the last several days . This is a long tangent , but I got some compliments on my hats . In fact , Nicole C . Mullen complimented me on my new hat in the grocery store . ) We had dinner with Ken Davis and his wife last night . Today , we leave to go to Batesville , MS . Brock is racing at the Arenacross there . It 's going to be fun ! I like to sit in the stands and read my book in between all of the races . Then , I love watching any kind of racing ! I will get some pictures up soon , but today I want to talk about something I had the privilege of experiencing last night . . . fellowship . This used to be a big deal at church . We would have a " fellowship , " which really meant that we would get together and eat . For some reason , I have not been to a church " fellowship " in many years . Then , I realized that we have " fellowships " at our house when we have parties with a purpose . The problem for me at those parties are that I don 't get much hang time because there are so many people to host . For the last couple of days , our office , called Reach Your City , had a spiritual retreat for the ministers and staff in town . It was wonderful ! We gleaned wisdom from a guy whom I really respect , Scott Kindig . I looked around the room , and all of us were intensely soaking it in . When you are the minister , sometimes it gets draining because you don 't have anyone pouring into you . Then , last night , we had everyone over to the house for dinner . Brock had grilled chicken . I made bean bundles , potatoes , and salad . Then , I made homemade pudding for dessert . After dinner , we sat around and shared stories and pet peeves . It was fun and refreshing ! We had a great time this year . I was a little sad going into Thanksgiving because nobody was coming to stay with us for the whole weekend . For the last 3 Thanksgivings , we have had lots of people come over and stay and simply eat and hang out the entire time . I decided to lower my expectations and just enjoy whomever came . It was great ! There were eight of us on Thursday for a feast of a meal . We ate and laughed . We went for our traditional after Thanksgiving meal walk . Then , we sat by the bonfire for a while . We then came inside and watched a movie . Then , out came all of the food again for take 2 ! After dinner , a few more people stopped by to chat . Then , everyone except Steph and Lindsey left at about 12 : 30 . The two girls spent the night . Friday morning , Lindsey made us pancakes and we watched the movie " UP . " It was a cute movie . After the movie , the girls left and Brock and I each laid on a couch . We were parked there the rest of the day . We slept and watched TV and just vegged out ! I don 't think that we had ever done that for a whole day before . When I woke up Saturday morning feeling very rested , I realized how tired I spent the previous Thanksgivings . Whenever we had people stay all weekend , I was hosting the entire time . This was really nice . Saturday night , about a dozen people came over to our bonfire . We roasted hot dogs and smores and just talked . It was a nice weekend . Tomorrow , this will go back to a happy blog like normal . Today , I need to vent my emotions about what happened with Thomas . ( If you did not read yesterday 's post , read it first . ) I am very down about this , not only because I knew Thomas . But also because he did what we do minus the illusions . He spoke alongside us at camp every summer . This makes me wonder how he got to that point . We saw him a couple of summers ago and everything seemed fine . From what I understand , this all began a year ago . It 's such a shame that all of this could have gone down in one year ! If a plumber has marital problems , he gets a divorce and life stinks . If a minister has problems , they lose their job and family , and seemingly their whole life . The other question is , who does a minister turn to when they have any kinds of problems ? They are the ones who are supposed to have all of the answers . They are not supposed to have any problems . Well , that 's not the way life always goes . I think about Brock and me . We don 't have any troubles right now . ( In fact , I am realizing how great a life we have . ) However , a year ago , Thomas might have said the same thing . So , who would we turn to if we had any bad situations ? I think about our parents whom are pastors at churches in small towns . Who do they turn to if they have any questions or problems ? The point is : we are people just like you who are trying to figure out how to live a life pleasing to the Lord . That 's it . We sin . We have emotions . We are human . Pray for us . Pray for your minister . We all need prayer . I thought that Brock said this really well : i know that thanksgiving is over but i am still thankful . i have realized how blessed i am this year and i just want to continue to thank God for what i have in my life . this weekend i was reminded that we are not promised tomorrow . i got the news that my friend lost his life this weekend . its an awful situation and the details are still unknown at this point . what i do know is that he made a bad choice and ended his own life . he found a permanent solution to a temporary problem . no person is immune to tragedy . for many years he traveled as a communicator to youth groups all over america . he recently founded a church in sugarland texas and was a new pastor . he had a wife and 3 kids . it seems like everything was going great . he seemed to be living the american dream . unfortunately a series of circumstances along with the enormous pressure of being a church leader and spiritual teacher took its toll . his name was thomas young . its times like these that make me look at my own life and take inventory . thats when i see how thankful i should be . im thankful for the wonderful life that God has given me . its a sad day but im still thankful . Yesterday , like every Tuesday , I spent it in downtown Franklin . I had lunch with my girlfriends and Brock had lunch with a guy and then we all met up at Sweet CiCi 's for two punch Tuesday . We get two holes punched on our card for every one frozen yogurt we buy . After the 9th punch , we get a free one ! As we were eating our ice cream ( sorry , frozen yogurt ! ) , our friend was telling us about how he was a victim of credit card fraud . As he was explaining it , I received a phone call from an unknown number to me . Since I did not know who it was , I did not answer it . ( I have a close number to someone else whom I don 't know but whose family does not realize that they dialed the wrong number AGAIN until I answer . ) After seeing that I had a voice message , I stepped out of the store to listen . It was from the fraud department at our bank . They had a question about a purchase made with Brock 's credit card . We soon found out that while we were in CiCi 's talking about credit card fraud , someone was in New York buying $ 1 , 000 worth of computer software on our credit card ! To my knowledge , this has never happened to us before , and it happened at the same time we were talking about it ! Happy Thanksgiving , everyone ! I forget to be thankful for what I have and what the Lord has done . It 's a struggle of mine . I am always looking to what is next . I am also always thinking about how much I can improve or make the most of life . It is okay to want to better yourself , but I need to pray to be a little more content or at the least grateful . Here is what I 'm thankful for : my relationship with my Lord ( He is always here for me . Thank you , Lord ! ) , my husband ( We have a genuine love for each other that just comes naturally . Brock , thank you for loving me well . ) , my family ( I have two wonderful parents as well as in - laws and sisters and brothers , etc . . . not a grouchy one in the group ! ) , my friends ( We are like family to each other . ) , all that I have been able to experience in life . What are you thankful for ? Years ago , my dad spoke about the ritual the scribes went through before they wrote the name of God , Yahweh . The amount of cleansing they did was incredible . Sometimes , different ink was used . Hardly anyone could even say the Lord 's name . Now , we are under a new covenant through Jesus . To our relief , we can go straight to the Father with our prayers and thoughts . However , we still need to realize that the Lord should be revered . He is awesome and so mighty . Ever since I heard that sermon , I capitalize any of God 's names . Even if I am using His pronouns . That little pause that it takes me to hit the shift key is nothing compared to the ordeal the ancient scribes went through , but it is a way that I like to acknowledge His majesty . It is most inconvenient when I am texting . I have to hit a few buttons in order to do it . Sometimes , I stop and think about what I am saying . Is it glorifying to my Lord ? I 've had some exciting days since I came home Monday night . First of all , my wonderful husband installed a garbage disposal while I was away . He decided not to tell me and see how long it took me to notice it . ( I 'm not very observant at times . ) Tuesday morning he left to go to his meeting and I stayed home . I made myself some lunch and cleaned up all of the dishes . Then , I noticed that the drainers in the sink were switched . When I pulled out the drainer , I saw the disposal ! I immediately called Brock . Tuesday night I shared my testimony with the girls in my village . It went well . One of the girls said that it was good timing for her to hear it . They are such great gals ! Wednesday was our last day with the Beth Moore Bible study that I was doing with my friend , Tiffany , in Murfreesboro . I feel very accomplished ! Wednesday night , Brock and I were driving around running errands before we were going to meet some friends for dinner . We were so close to our friends ' house that we decided to drop by . It was such good timing ! Stephanie was about ready to load up her stuff and get onto the bus for Winter Wonder Slam concert tour . She needed help getting all of her equipment loaded . We took her and her things to the Walmart parking lot to drop her off . Brock helped load her and her band 's gear in the storage bays of the bus . Pray for her as she is on this tour for the next several weeks . Also , her new CD is out ! Last night , Brock did a quick show at a benefit for the Christian Academy in Franklin . It was fun ! All I had to do was bring him his props as he needed them . It was easy . Now , he is done until the second week of December ! My grandma is so funny ! She told me to look for a box of crackers . She said that she put it in a place where she could find it , and she 'd been looking it for it ever since . I found it behind the trash can . Then , she told me that she 'd drawn a map to her mountain dews . My aunt does not like her to drink it , so she hides them . However , she kept forgetting where she hid it , so she drew a map ! The funniest thing she said last weekend was when she told us a joke . She said that back in the olden days , a man and his wife were in their horse and carriage when the horse stalled . The man said , " That 's once ! " They continued on for a little while but the horse stalled again . " That 's twice ! " the man declared . When the horse stalled the third time , the man simply got out of the carriage and shot the horse . His wife said , " Now , why did you do that to the horse ? " The man looked at her and said , " That 's once ! " Then , Grandma said , " The moral of that story is that , Pam ( my mom ) , you 've woken me up twice . " She was just teasing her of course . One of the best things about Grandma is that she says , " Thank You , Lord " several times a day . Sometimes she says why she is thanking Him after . It 's not necessarily a big thing . She 'll thank Him for feeling better than she did earlier . When she says the blessing before the meal , she thanks the Lord for everyone present and more . She really inspired me to be more thankful to the Lord . I had a great time with my family last weekend . We had lots of the family over to dinner Friday night . Grandma made her famous biscuits . Grandma 's new great - great grandchild was present . The mother kept teasing Grandma about leaving the three month old there for the night and letting Grandma babysit . Grandma was not too keen on the idea . She 's too old for infants . So , when everyone was standing around the door getting ready to leave and the baby was sitting in his carrier back on the sofa , Grandma quietly said , " Don 't forget your baby . " It was so funny because it really did look like we 'd forgot about him sleeping there in the other room . Saturday night we went to see the musical , Jane Eyre , put on by the college there . It was good ! Every morning , we went out for breakfast . Usually we went to Bob Evans . Here 's mom and her sisters there . Grandma put up a " closed " sign in the kitchen . Here 's mom breaking the rules . We had lunch with my aunt and some of her family on Sunday . Sunday night , on a whim mom wanted to go to Steak n ' Shake , so we did ! It was fun . Pray for me tonight . I am going to share my story with the girls in my village . We have all kinds of videos on youtube , but this one has been viewed the most . This is my favorite video . Brock 's birthday was on a Sunday a few years ago , so the people at our table tried to embarass him at the restaurant in a room full of strangers . Little did they know , Brock cannot be embarassed . I love downtown Franklin ! Every time I hang out there , I see so many people I know . We refer to it as the campus . It 's so much like a college campus . Merridees is the cafeteria . Starbucks is the union center . It 's so fun . Here are some pictures of it . The square . Some of the girls . New place ! It 's a frozen yogurt place with tons of toppings . The other day , I had to take the trash to the dump by myself . That 's usually Brock 's job , but since he was out , I had to do it . So , I drove up to the dump with the whole trash can in the back . I was going to simply pull the bags out of the larger can and place them in the big compactor . When I opened the can , I was taken aback . I cannot explain the level of disgustingness I experienced . I don 't usually get grossed out very easily . We have all kinds of bugs around our house living out in the country and all . However , when I saw all of the maggots that had taken residence in there , I dropped the bags . Luckily , the man who runs the dump came out and removed the bags from the can for me . He must have noticed my distress . Thank God for husbands who can take care of this kind of stuff ! The MuteMath concert was amazing ! Here is a little video clip from it . Here 's the drummer . He is so crazy that he has to duct tape his in ears to his head . This guy often plays the upright base . The lead guitarist sometimes plays a xylophone . This is the lead singer , Paul . We did a few shows with him when he was in the band called Earthsuit . These guys are so talented that they play all different kinds of instruments . This is 3 of them playing the drums at the same time . Andy Stanley preached a powerful message at church Sunday . It was a paradigm shift . He 's talking about giving . I thought that I really was getting a grasp on giving only to realize that I know very little about it . Watch this . I have been home a month now , so I wanted to give you an update on how it is going . The biggest deal is that I usually sleep about 7 hours a night . This entire month I have been sleeping 9 or 10 hours a night ! Can you believe that ? I think that maybe I was very exhausted . I have been working on projects every week like cleaning out our closet . . . taking out the winter and fall clothes and putting up the summer clothes . I also went through the mountain of mail that was piling up on our counter . As far as my schedule goes , I have been sticking to it rather well . At first I had a schedule of activities I would do everyday of the week such as going to a Bible study or lunch with a friend as well as personal and ministry business that I would do daily . I have done the activities , but the personal stuff like laundry or grocery store shopping has been all moved around . I am beginning to get a little antsy . However , it 's just the right time because I am flying to Florida Thursday to visit family . My mom is flying there as well . It 's going to be fun ! I knew that it would happen . One day it was bound to occur . That day was last week . . . I go to my favorite bookstore in town often . I just love the look of all of the books on the shelves . It makes me feel inspired just walking in there . Truly the most adventurous place in the world is a room full of books . When I go into the bookstore , I don 't bring the book I am reading in because I am afraid they are going to think that it 's their book and when I walk out with it that I am stealing it . So , I go and get their book off of the shelf to read while I am in the store and replace it before I leave . Last week , I realize it 's time to leave , so I gather the book that I am reading in my arms and walk out to my truck . I open the door and place the book on the seat of the truck and that is when I saw it . There were now two of the same books sitting in my truck . Now , I am all the way out of the building and into the parking lot . This means that I unintentionally had stolen a book ! What was I going to do ? Well , I had to take it back immediately . As I began walking back into the store , I noticed the detectors to each side of the door . I pause wondering what was going to happen when an alarm sounded . How would I explain this ? I quickly walk through the door and by the detectors . Do you know what happened ? NOTHING . No big siren screaming , " You are a thief ! " No staff wrestling me to the ground demanding that I hand over the book . . . nothing . After scanning the whole bookstore and realizing that nobody has even noticed me , I walk to the back of the store , place the book back on the shelf where it belonged , and exit the store ! We needed a scorpion for the show on Friday night . We wanted to get it last minute because we didn 't want to keep it very long . We called around and the closest one was in Murfreesburo . I called up my friend , Tiffany , who lives there . I apprehensively told her about the scorpion and she said she would pick it up without hesitation . Her husband was the one who hesitated when he brought it to our house the next day . Tiffany and the kids liked it and named it Fluffy . After having Fluffy a few days , he grew on all of us . Brock was wanting to keep him , but we can barely keep a plant . Tiffany found a guy that wanted him , but in the end , even Kevin , her husband , was wanting him . We bought him a little container to put him in . We also put a couple of crickets in his home to eat . He didn 't eat them right away , but the next morning , he had one of them in his claw . I actually liked having him around while Brock was gone . Of course I never took him out of his container . I wasn 't that comfortable with him . I gave him away yesterday . Oh well , I will remember Fluffy . We had the best time on Halloween . We went to the spot in downtown Franklin where over 2 , 000 trick or treaters come annually . We all dressed up . Do you know what we dressed up as ? Christmas carolers . Instead of saying , " Trick or treat , " we began singing , " We wish you a merry Christmas ! " There was food of course ! Gumbo and chili were on the menu . We had people squeezed in everywhere ! This group did not like the candid shots , so they smiled for the picture . Then , they gave me a fake " candid " shot . Some of the girls . Lots of beautiful girls . Where are all of the guys ? Here 's one ! Amy bumped her head on the ladder coming in the door . These three dressed up . I loved their costumes ! Chocolate Fountain ! ! ! At the beginning of the show , I lit the candles . I got to be a different character as I assisted Brock . I was very stoic . I figure that 's the way they were back then . At least they are never smiling in their pictures , so I pretended to be someone right out of an old photograph . Brock had people roll a die . Then , they would place their hand in the corresponding bucket . There was straw and nails and such in all of the buckets except the last one . The last one which nobody every rolled that number had a scorpion in it ! Brock is showing the scorpion to everyone in this picture . They all freaked out ! Welcome to the circus ! And the curtains are pulled back ! Sean sews a needle and thread through his neck ! Lindsey eats fire . Jacob lays on a bed of nails and has his hand on fire . Brock tells the scary story of Alma using magic and mentalism . It was an excellent show ! Brock loved to be a different character . The crew . I don 't just want to experience life ; I want to drink it in . I am very adventurous but not a daredevil . I love the Lord . He is my everything . |
As I said , Happy Halloween ! ! ! I am very excited because this month is OFFICIALLY the busiest month EVER for the site ! EEEPPPP ! ! ! ! So , as a prize for everyone coming to see the blog , ( and putting up with the ranting obsession of a teenager ) , you get … . a huge post ! Seriously , this is going to be LONG … because I 'm posting ALL of Charity , as I have it written thus far . Enjoy : Hello , my name is Charity Abigail Jameson and as you 've already guessed I 'm a bit strange . You see , my mother was a born nacita whose family had been banished before she was born . When she was about twenty she was attacked , and bitten , by a vampire . Later in life she fell in love with my father , who turned out to be a werewolf . They got married and had me and my twin brother Jonas Jasper Jameson , ( he was named for my father ) . This all happened back in the 1800 's , in fact I was born in 1845 . To be specific May thirty - first , and I was born first . A fact that I constantly reminded my brother of . And just so you know ; I inherited being both a vampire and a nacita while my brother was werewolf and nacita , though we both have certain characteristics of the third species . Like I said , I 'm strange . Anyway time to tell my story , and it starts one day when I was having a walk down memory lane in the middle of Biology … The year was eighteen sixty - five , just before General Lee surrendered to General Grant . My brother and best friend had been gone for three years and that day they were coming home due to injuries that hindered their ability to use a musket or sword . I was waiting for them with my mother and other best friend Amelia , whose cousin was the other man coming home that day . His name was Jonas Jasper Hawthorn , his family had moved to my town when he was two years old ( which made him a year older than me ) and to avoid confusion everyone had always called him Jasper , seeing as he and my brother shared the same name . He had also been trying to court me for quite some time , and I had always refused . I 'd always loved him , as a brother at the very least . But , as we got older I saw him differently , and my love for him changed . I was afraid though , what if it ended badly ? I could not justify risking our friendship for something that could go wrong . In the end , I was content as his friend , and would rather see him happy with someone else than hurt by me . My brother on the other hand would 've liked nothing better than to see Jasper and I wed . I understand why , I mean who wouldn 't want his best friend as his brother - in - law ? My view of Jasper as only a friend changed completely the day they came home . When they arrived Jonas was the first in the door and the first thing I noticed about my twin was that his right arm was in bandages and a sling , of course the dummy had to injury the arm he writes with . Jonas set his bag down and I hugged him , I then found out how much stronger he 'd gotten as he proceeded to try and crush me " Jonas , you are suffocating me ! " I managed to say after a minute or so . He let go and held me at arms length to look at me , as usual the only way you could tell we were twins was if you looked at our eyes , which were mirror images of each other , my right eye is gold my left green , on Jonas it was the reverse . Otherwise we just looked related , I have red hair my brother had black hair , I 'm short and " Tory ? " I snapped back to reality with a jolt and looked at the person sitting next to me . His name was Jonas , but he always went by his middle name of Jasper , his eyes reminded me of the sunset and his hair was the exact shade of brown it had been one hundred and forty - four years ago , although now it was shorter than it had been and very wavy now that it was out of a ponytail . How did I know this was Jasper and not just a relative of his ? Simple , I 'm a nacita and can sense what a person is , and I could sense that Jasper was a vampire and an old one , little older than I , not to mention the fact that there was just too much in common between him and Jasper Hawthorn , for him to just be related to him . Although I knew who he was , he had no idea who I was . You may ask ' Why didn 't he recognize me ? ' once again that is a simple answer ; my nacita talent is that I may change my appearance at will . My eyes were no longer gold and green but both were brown and my hair was brown instead of red and in a long , thick braid down my back instead of flowing freely with its own idea of neatness . " What Jazz ? " " Nothing , you just looked like you were zoning out so I thought I 'd snap you out of it . And please don 't call me Jazz . " His eyes shined as he said this and I rolled my eyes as the bell rang . I picked up my bag and headed out into the hall , Jasper ran after me , when he caught up to me he said " Tory , I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner today ? We 're having steak . " I smiled and asked " Is it going to be just the two of us ? " " Uh … no ; my roommates are going to be there . Do you mind ? " " No , I don 't mind . What time should I be there ? " " How about seven - ish ? " " Alright , see you then . " I stood on tip - toe ( Jasper 's five nine and I 'm barely five feet tall , so you do the math ) and kissed his cheek . Then I said " Bye Jasper ; I 'll see you later . " and walked away , now a good thing about being both nacita and vampire is that I have very good hearing so I could hear Jasphappens between you and Gabriel , your parents will hear about it . " " Don 't worry … nothing will happen . " " It better not . " And we went back out to Jasper . Gabriel was standing with him and just talking . I decided to make sure that nothing had slipped out of his mouth , so I asked " What have you guys been talking about ? " and I added , thinking to Gabriel , " You haven 't mentioned who I am , have you ? " " No . " then Jasper said " Gabriel was just explaining that he started staying with you yesterday . " " That 's cool , did you happen to tell him who you are ? " then I muttered so that just Jasper could hear " Or what ? " " No I haven 't , I thought that would be a good story for the walk back to the house . " Gabriel looked at me and asked " Victoria ? What is he talking about ? " I smiled , reverted to nacitian and said " We 're moving ! Mr . Kane called this morning and told me that the building is being sold , and Jasper was kind enough to offer to let us move in with him and his room mates . " Gabriel gaped at me and asked " We 're moving in with him ? ! ? " I nodded , but before I could answer Jasper asked " He speaks nacitian ? What aren 't you telling me Charity ? " " One of his ancestors was a nacita … and a werewolf . " Jasper went to answer but I held up my hand and said " It will be a nice story for the walk back . " As I packed , I made sure I thought " Don 't mention that it was Jonas that was a nacita / werewolf . " Gabriel asked " Why ? " " Jasper doesn 't know about Jonas being anything but human . And it 's a small step from werewolf and nacita , to vampire and nacita . And I 'm not ready to tell him about me just yet . " Gabriel just nodded . When we were ready to go , we each took two boxes and started walking . It was a really nice day out ; especially considering it was nearing Halloween . I nudged Jasper in the ribs and muttered " Would you like to tell that good story now ? " " Ok . Hey Gabriel , did I tell you that I used to know your grandfather ? " " Which one ? " " JonaIt had been two weeks since my fifteenth birthday , two weeks since I 'd become ill , and one week since I learned I was part vampire . My mother had brought me blood , almost nothing but blood , and I drank it eagerly . Once I started breaking cups she brought me small animals to feed off of . Mostly birds and rodents , I refused to bite rabbits and deer . Mother let me out of my room when she thought I could handle being around humans ; Jonas however was still awaiting the full moon for a transformation . When I had heard that Jasper was waiting for me in the garden I rushed out to greet him ; I hadn 't even gotten to thank him for my present before I collapsed in pain . I saw him before I smelled him , Jaspers hair was unkempt and he looked worried ; then he saw me and smiled . I smiled back , not bothering to hide my fangs ; he 'd notice them at some point anyway . I was about a yard away from him when the wind blew from behind him ; sending Jaspers scent strait into my face . It hit me like a battering - ram . One moment I was glad to see my best friend standing there , and the next it was all I could do to not rip his throat out . I covered my mouth and nose with my hand to dilute his scent with mine . He was at my side in a moment , " Charity ? What 's the matter ? " " Nothing , " I said through clenched teeth , " I was merely walking too quickly and became nauseous . " I looked at Jaspers face , he was obviously worried . I dropped my hand slowly , carefully , and smiled reassuringly . " I 'm alright , Jasper , really . I just need to sit down for a moment . " I took a cautious breath and his scent hit me again ; honey and lilac , with the bite of straight peppermint . I thought it was a strange scent for a man . But then I thought of Jaspers personality ; genteel , but not a coward . He 'd stood up for me several times when we were children ; whenever someone would tease me about playing with boys , Jasper would be at my side … I came back to the present and realized I was crying into Jaspers shirt . He had pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me as I 'd sobbed . " What 's wrong ? Please Charity , tell me . I want to be able to help you . " I looked up at him , I could tell he was worried again . I placed a hand on his cheek and said " I 'm so sorry that I can 't tell you yet , Jasper . You already know what 's wrong but you just don 't realize it yet . " He raised an eyebrow at me , " Please explain . " I sighed , and laughed slightly before saying " You know me well enough that you know what 's wrong ; you know how to make it better , but you 're denying it because your logic is telling you that it 's impossible . " Jasper looked like I 'd smacked him . " Don 't say that Charity . You don 't know how many times I 've hoped that was true , how many times I have dreamt that it was true , and then had to wake up and face reality . I beg you ; do not give me false hope when it comes to Charity Jameson . " I pulled away from him , took his hand , said " If there is one thing I will never do , it is lie to your face . Now come with me . " I led Jasper out the door that goes to my terrace and then up a ladder I found that leads to a widow 's walk . We reached the top and sat in the dark for a moment . Then I broke the silence , " She loved you , Charity , I mean . She really did love you . " Jasper didn 't answer for a long time . But he finally said " Can you tell me something ? " " Whatever you want to know . " He thought for a moment , " Why did she refuse me for so long ? " " Jasper , please understand that your friendship was the most important thing in Charity 's life . She didn 't want to loose it over a fight or something stupid . She was devastated when you disappeared ; she kept thinking that she saw you in the woods . She was that way for years . " Jasper looked as though I were torturing him . " She saw me ? Charity saw me watching her ? " Watching me ? " What do you mean Jasper ? " " After I was sure I could be around humans agaFor obvious reasons , ( like how late it is - . - " ) I 'm leaving this as a bulk paragraph . Have fun guys , and stay safe ! One millennia . That 's how long I 've been alive . It 's been lonely , living each night , never seeing the day . That 's the price you pay for being a Traditionalist ; no sun , no peaceful sleep , and , let 's face it , no peace . In my human life I was a Priest 's daughter ! I am still a Christian , that has never changed . But , just as a human , turning your back on your upbringing can be hard . You see , the vampire who changed me was a … hunter . His name was Jonathan , and he was a vampire that lived to kill humans , or change them if he thought they were worth looking at . Anyway , my first memory of this life was drinking human blood . That 's all my life was for the first five hundred years ; blood , running and blood . Until my ' siblings ' and I rebelled , threw Jonathan to the villagers and went into hiding . . Over the years new vampires have joined us , and for some reason I have become the leader of our coven . These days we live in a small abandoned castle in a remote part of Romania , it 's what modern Americans would call ' creeptastic ' . I love it here , it 's my home , and it is near my birthplace . But I couldn 't take it anymore . I couldn 't keep killing people , even if they are at deaths doorstep . One day , I took Gavril aside and told him so . I told him , " I want to attempt living as an Ani - Blood . My sprit can no longer endure the strain of taking human lives . Perhaps living on animal blood will help me . " I took his hands , " Gavril , you are my second . You lead in my stead . This is what I require of you now . Take the coven , lead them somewhere for a decade or two . I need to be alone to change my diet . If you are around , still feeding on humans , I do not believe I will be capable of it . If I cannot change , I will kill myself . " I cut him off , " I do not expect you or Felix to stand around watching . You and he are my brothers , in every way that matters and more . Do this for me Gavril . If you return to find me yet living , rejoice with me ! But if you return to find me gone , do as my brother would , and give me a proper Romanian burial . " I dropped his hands , grabbed the collar of his shirt , pulled him within a foot of my face and said " Perhaps you do not understand me . It does not matter who leads the coven . If I cannot change how I live I will die . If you do not leave me alone for a decade , ten years that 's all , then I cannot change . " I grabbed the top braches of the nearest tree , and started swinging myself to the ground . I woke up a few birds on the way down , and they put up a racket to , uh , wake the dead . Well , it just meant I needed to go a ways to find some decent game . It took me some time , but I finally found a small heard of deer . I set my sights on a large doe . She was getting a drink from the river when I approached . I pounced , my fangs sinking easily into the flesh of her neck . I got one taste of her blood , and rolled off her into the river , spiting the foul liquid from my mouth . The herd scattered as I sat in the water , coughing . Deer blood tasted worse than dirt . I sat there , praying , thinking . Then it hit me , something an Ani - Blood who stayed with my coven a few centuries back had said . He 'd been sitting with me in the library , drinking wine and discussing things . We 'd come to the subject of blood drinking , and he said " Some animal blood is repulsive . But if you hunt the predators , there lies the good blood . You almost cannot tell the difference between their blood , and that of an elder human . " That was it , find a predator , a hunter . I had to go to the mountains to do it , but I finally found a decent … meal . It wasn 't as bad as I thought , and the Ani - Blood had been right , predator blood tasted like that of an old person . The years passed , and I was successful with my lifestyle change . Gavril did return after five years , to find a much happier me than when he left . We went down to the part of the cellar that I had converted to a sitting room and talked . He asked all the normal questions , how have I been ? How was the animal blood ? " Of course not ! Felix , yes , me , no . I still drain the blood for him , and I get the same perks as Felix arranged , but I use the blood as bait for the animals I hunt . " I spent another year alone , my only interaction being with the undertaker and the bodies he had me drain . I became lonely , I 'd never noticed it before , since I had never been away from my coven , but there was a hole inside me . I could not remember ever feeling this way , not even in human memories . I felt … slightly empty . Then the dreams started . I thought the nightmares had been bad , but in a way , these were worse . In the nightmares , I was chased by my victims until the sun rose and burnt me to a crisp . I couldn 't clearly remember these dreams . All I saw when I thought of them was the sun and the moon , next to each other in a black sky with no stars . The dreams plagued me for a year after Gavril left , until one night when I was sitting down to put my normal entry in my journal . I heard a banging on the castle door and went to get it . I assumed it would be a vampire looking for shelter from the thunderstorm outside ; so I was surprised when I heard a heart beating on the other side of the door . I opened the door to see a man standing there . He had a heavy coat on , and the hood drawn over his face so I couldn 't see what he looked like . He was soaked , and so was the duffle bag he was carrying , he looked at me and asked , in badly accented Romanian , " Bun I helped him take of his coat , saying " It takes a lot to make me , uh , ' freak ou - " I looked at him as I was saying the last part . His eyes were two different colors , one silver and the other gold , " Half blood . " I took a step back , just staring at him , then I looked closer , " Wait , your right eye 's gold ! " He cut me off , " Has just run out ? It 's ok , I 've heard it from everyone else in the village . " He took his coat from me and said " I guess I 'll just be on my way . " I put a hand on his arm to stop him , " Hold it right there , Ayden . You did not allow me finish . I was going to say ' in that case , you 're welcome to stay here as long as you like ' . I have no desire to see vampires slaughtered . " I smiled , " You can hand that to me . You go in that room , " I pointed him to the main sitting room and took his coat , " There 's a fire so you can dry off and warm up . Are you hungry ? " I walked to the kitchen , hanging the coat on my way . I looked in the fridge , I had some different cuts of meat incase I got desperate or couldn 't find any decent game . I took out one of the better grade steaks and grilled it up until it smelled over done to me , ( meaning about medium for a human ) . After that was done I walked outside to the garden , it was chilly out so I took a moment for my body to adjust its temperature . I kept a vegetable garden incase we had humans show up , I picked two handfuls of string beans and went back in to cook them . Ayden was where I 'd sent him , in the sitting room , admiring mine and my mothers paintings . He was looking at one I made of my father when I came in , " Do you enjoy art ? " Ayden jumped , and turned around , I sat the plate of food down on the table and said " Sorry , I didn 't mean to startle you . I hope you like steak . " Ayden scoffed , " I 'm not technically a half blood . My parents were trying to break up a large coven before they knew my mom was carrying me . A vampire got their hands on her , and she bit them to get away . She just swallowed some of their blood in doing so . " Ayden held his arm out to me , and pulled up his sleeve . On his forearm were two distinct markings ; the first was a gray star , and the other was a cresset shaped scar . " A young one got me . " " Quoniam praesidia populi Dei . ' Let the hunters be marked , for they shall be the protectors of God 's people . ' Yes , I speak Latin too . " Ayden stood , and I started walking with him on my heels . On the way to his room , I pointed out a few things he 'd need to know . " So you are not surprised in the morning , I usually sleep late into day . I work for the local undertaker at night , so you will have run of the castle while I am gone . You can go anywhere you like , except the basement . " I nodded , " Before I leave I will show you the library . Once again , you may use anything you like , as long as you take good care of them . The only book you may not touch is a large red leather volume on the pedestal near the window . Before you ask , that is my personal diary . " Life continued as normal after Ayden arrived . He did enjoy the library , very , very much . He lived in the library ; it became a custom to have lunch in the library , at the side table , and discuss the latest book he 'd been reading . He still couldn 't believe I 'd read them all . Then again , he still didn 't know I was a physically fifteen - year - old vampire who 's been around longer than Da Vinci . We also had dinner in the library often . Every evening after Ayden went to bed for the night , I 'd sit down , write my journal entry , and go hunting . One night , an entry went thus : Tonight Ayden and I discussed a collection of poems he 's found , and has become highly interested in . It 's that small collection by the American woman who 's name I can never spell correctly . Unfortunately , Ayden took the volume to his room so I do not have the reference available right now . I am debating whether or not to tell him what I am . I have never revealed my secret to a living person , not even a Half Blood . But Ayden has been residing under my roof for near two months now , so he deserves to know . Does he not ? Surly he has noticed something strange about me ; has he not frequently inquired as to why I look so young ? Or why I eat so little ? He has even noted the strange hours I keep , and the way I speak as though I am not of this time . If I do not tell him , I fear he will discover the truth for himself , and what would happen then ? Would he accept the fact I am a Night Child , or stake me for my past transgressions against mankind ? I shall admit , as much as the former appeals to me , the latter terrifies me . It was three hours later , hunting did not go as I had hoped . The first thing that came anywhere near me was a small fox . It wasn 't exactly what I would have liked , but it was better than nothing . I was stalking towards my prey … that 's when I head a twig snap . The fox darted , I spun in place and pounced . We rolled on the ground for a moment , then I saw the stake hovering above my heart , and I saw Ayden on top of me . He looked down at me , and then at the stake , as though seeing it for the first time . He pushed off of , and away from me . He threw the stake aside , " Anya ! You - You 're a - a - a - " I crawled over to him , took his face gently between my hands , and spoke with my voice layered in Persuasion , " Yes , I am . Ayden , you need to sleep . I 'll answer all your questions tomorrow , but now just sleep … " He tried to fight my influence , but Ayden finally fell asleep . I sighed , and picked him up as I got to my feet . I carried him home , and laid him on his bed . I pulled a chair up next to the bed , and waited for dawn . " Yes it does . The name in the corner is Adrianna Bloodgood , the name of the mans daughter . I am that same Adrianna who painted that portrait of her father . " |
A blog about anything or sometimes about nothing . A place for me to write and post my feelings or opinions on things ranging from parenting to waiting tables to living in America to daily observations and my personal experiences . Sometimes I just want to give people a humorous read and make them laugh at the end of a trying day . I don 't know any server or bartender who says they look forward to New Year 's Eve . It 's rookie night , just like Valentine 's , Mother 's or Father 's Day . Somebody has forced them to go out and eat and waste their hard earned money so who gets the short end of the stick ? Us servers . You have to pay your tab , you don 't have to tip . I went into work an hour early just to be prepared . By five o ' clock the place was filling up quickly and not with regulars . I walked by the host stand where the owner was standing and said " Take a look around the place , it looks like we 're working in a nursing home . " All in all it wasn 't a bad night , just a long one . We close at nine thirty so I wasn 't really worried . Most people tend to be where they want to be at midnight by around nine and since we close at nine thirty , unless they want to help mop the floor and put up chairs they leave once they eat . My last table sat down at eight thirty , two women . They ordered an appetizer and one woman ordered a chicken dish to eat . I thought I got lucky , I could have two women out of there in little over an hour even if they took their time . Then after the appetizer they told me they had four more people coming after nine o ' clock to join them and then they would order . I sucked it up and played the cards I 'd been dealt . It 's all part of doing what I do for a living . You can sulk or make their visit amazing , even when you don 't feel like it and hope they take care of you after you take excellent care of them . Around nine fifteen the other four arrived . The first man said loudly " We 're here to ring in the New Year , bring me a bottle ! " as he set his Stetson hat on the floor beside him . ( Welcome to the south ) I 've never gone out for New Year 's Eve , which may be attributed either to the fact I 've been a server for over thirty five years or when I was a kid always went to the Sunday School party my parents attended . Let me say , those were some rocking parties and went on until breakfast . . . no alcohol involved just good Christian folks having a blast . I remember one year when it was at my parent 's best friend 's house . Their seventeen year old daughter came by a little before midnight with her boyfriend to check in and the house was so loud they could hear the adults from the street . Mrs . Hiers ( the church pianist ) was banging away on the piano and people were singing along , loud and out of tune . It kinda reminded me of the time Aunt Bee on Andy Griffith got toasted on The Elixir from the traveling medicine man and her whole social group got locked up for public drunkenness . They were singing " Toots , Toots , Tootsie Goodbye . . . " and Aunt Bea 's hair was all in her face . Classic episode . It will be funniest twenty minutes you 've spent in a while , trust me ! My parents and their friends knew how to and always did have a good time . They didn 't need chemicals or alcohol . They partied til dawn and then all cooked breakfast together before gathering us kids to take home . She also wanted a small angel wing pendant to wear around her neck to hold some of my late Diddy 's ashes . ( yes I am a hoarder and saved some ) We got her an opal ring ( my momma 's birthstone ) and a super cute maxi skirt . I picked her up a few more little things and she seemed very happy . My brother got her a pair of kick a * * knee high lace up leather boots and she got plenty from my sister , brother in law and her cousins . We went to my in laws on Christmas Eve and she came home with another load . Zach got a much needed wallet , some nice sweaters , a few beanies he always wears and another pair of shoes . The boy owns two pair of shoes . . . all he needs " He says . " I broke down and bought him an iPhone . I found it on Amazon . It 's just like the one I have only there is a tiny quarter inch crack in the upper left hand corner of the back . When the case is on it you can 't even see it and the people sold it because they updated to an 5s . I got it for one fifty and told him all he had to do was pay to have it activated and choose a plan . Now I can have my phone back ! He works late at night and always have him take my cell in case something happens on the road . Massey and I went to Ross - Mess For Less and got Tim some nice dress pants and shirts . I made sure all the zippers and buttons were there and worked and sizes were right . You gotta pay attention at Ross ' ! It was a rough pre Christmas week . I got sick a week before Christmas as the Flu stampeded through my workplace . I went to work every day came home , fell in bed and got up the next day thirty minutes before I had to leave for work . I washed my hands at least fifty times a shift , was careful not to touch food and coughed into my sleeve . My fever finally broke after four days and started to feel somewhat better . I should have gone to the Doc in the Box but thinking about how many presents I could buy with the money kept me away . I mean the Flu is the Flu . You have to be careful about contamination , wash your hands relentlessly and pump yourself full of vitamin C . Not one of my regulars came back sick so guess I did a pretty good job . We all spent the day together and had a fantastic time . I know Tim 's family is my family too . . . but THIS is my immediate family . No parents left , just three kids and the kids they 've had . ( or in Chris ' case , spoiled ) TJ , my oldest was still in Australia . It was me , Tim , Zach and Massey . We went to my sister and brother in law 's house joined by her two sons and their partners . My nephew Casey and his fiancee brought her daughter , Ava ( a delightful girl ) Well , guess I 'd better be ready because it 's thirteen minutes into Christmas Day . Spent the day with my bestie , Massey . We went to Ross Mess For Less and got ole Tim some new work clothes , two pair of nice pants and two shirts . Massey asked what size pants we were looking for ? Here 's the thing about Tim . When I met him ( over twenty five years ago ) he wore a 32x34 and thinks he still does . ( he doesn 't ) I implore you , does the above photo ( a year ago ) look like the face of a man who wears a size 32 waist ? Me no think so . For Pete 's sake , a size 34 waist isn 't bad for a fifty one year old man and he looks a lot better in pants that fit . Today I stepped up to reality for my man and told Massey we were looking for 34x34 . Here 's the thing with a man , you simply cut off the tag with the size on it and give it to them . Then they go put the pants on ( which now fit perfectly ) look in the mirror and feel good about how great they look in their new jeans or slacks . Men are simple creatures and when guided through life by a good wife will go far ! We came home and started baking . I decided to bake Christmas presents for friends this year . It beats spending ten bucks on a crappy gift from Big Lots which would most probably get re gifted or sold in a yard sale . This one comes from our heart . . . right into their belly ! I made four dozen chocolate chip cookies , took my boss 's advice and used parchment paper . They turned out fantastic ! Massey made Rice Krispie treats while I tried my hand at cheese straws for the first time . It was trial and error but they ended up pretty good . We ran out of time for the Danish Wedding cookies but will make those tomorrow . We delivered the tins and everyone seemed to like them . Massey took a tin to the older man who lives around the corner from us . I bought my beloved , Johnny Dear from him . He lost his wife last year around this time . Massey had sent him a letter for his birthday last month when his daughter posted on Facebook that if anyone wanted to make her father 's birthday a little brighter , send him a note for his birthday . He framed Massey 's letter and hung it on his kitchen wall . She wrote to him saying how she always drives by and sees him working in his yards . She told him her mother had bought the John Deere from him and it was her prized possession . She said seeing him every time she turned the corner always made her smile . We took the tin to his house today and the driveway was packed with all his kid 's and grand kid 's cars . We parked at the end of the driveway and walked to the front door . The kid who opened the door was his grandson , Zach . Talk about a handsome young man , he even made me blush . When we went in , his mom noticed it was Massey behind me and said to her father " Daddy , here 's someone you 've got to meet ! " He came around the corner of the crowded kitchen and said " Are you my birthday angel ? " Zach goes next door once a month and spends over an hour helping our old neighbor unload firewood from his truck . Zach will walk over and talk to him when he 's outside for thirty minutes at a time . I just get in my car to go to work and wave bye to him . I 'm loved by my husband , I 'm loved by my kids . I 'm loved by my sister and brother and have the most excellent unobtrusive in laws a girl could ever dream of . I have a good job and have a house that will be paid off in four years . I have people who love me , a brother in law who has helped us out time and time and time again and I have God , Who has made it all possible . So we had our company Christmas party tonight . I am one of the senior servers so took charge of the present for the bosses . I collected money to give them so they could do what they wanted with it . I hate to waste money on something they don 't want so we ( I ) decided to just give them back what they give us . . . a paycheck . I had a letter all typed up to read and had rehearsed it over and over . When I read it got so emotional that I sounded like an idiot . Sometimes younger employees just don 't get it so I made it something I hoped they could all understand This is a family owned business . They have invested their entire lives for us to be able to make a buck . Yes they are crazy but you have to be to own a restaurant . I collected money from the other servers and bought a really nice card to put it in . My real reason was to let the younger peeps working there to know how lucky they are to work for a family instead of a corporate giant . I got so choked up reading it I had to stop twice for a sip of water . Decided to include the letter I so poorly read . Len is the owner , his wife is Barb and their son is Leon . We have a lot of new people at our party tonight so I 'll bring them up to date . I 've known the Guillaumes for almost seventeen years . Believe it or not , Leon and I used to be servers together when we first met . Yes . . . LEON was a server . His mother worked across the street from us at Pascal 's and used to stop in to pick up food to go and that 's how we first met . I didn 't meet Dr . Evil ( Len ) until he became a manager for the steakhouse chain I worked for . I stayed working at the steakhouse for almost twelve years until they fired me for giving my daughter a cup of ice cream for free . My husband had been out of work for over a year and I was supporting the entire family on a server 's salary . I was completely devastated and more depressed than I had ever been . Actually it was Leon who first called me and told me to come see Barb about working for them . It took me over a week of wallowing in my pity before I went to see Barb . When I walked in the door she was perched in her chair by the men 's restroom with a lap full of receipts . The first thing she said was " Where have you been , I 've been looking for you . " I told her I had been looking for myself too . They hired me on the spot . It was a horrible time in my family 's life . I had to file for food stamps and put my kids on medicare . We almost lost our house . For the first two years I worked almost every shift Mama Lucia 's was open , often times all of them . Without the Guillaumes , we would have gone under . Instead they helped us survive . I can 't tell you how many times Barb bailed me out when our utilities were scheduled to be cut off . Fast forward . . . YES they are ( as my daughter says ) CRAY CRAY , most definitely . I learned that on my first day here . What I also learned was if you work hard and give it your all , they 'll take care of you . Back to the Cray Cray part . Barb is about as tech savvy as Wilma Flintsone . She knows what the lap top in the office is but for some unknown reason calls the P / C " The Master . " I 've been here almost four years and have never figured that one out . One time Len asked me to respond to an email for him , he was on the line cooking . I asked Barb if she could bring up the email on the lap top and she said sure . Fifteen minutes later I walked by the office door and asked if she had email open ? Her reply was " No , but I 'm getting closer . " Len is the true epitome of a Mad Italian . He can be meek and mild one minute then explode in the next instant . I told him one time that we were going to buy him a tee shirt that read on the front : FIVE . . . FOUR . . . THREE . . . TWO . . . ONE ! ! I remember when a friend of mine used to work here and on one of her first days on the floor walked in the door and asked Len how he was ? He didn 't skip a beat , kept right on doing what he was doing and simply said " Well , I 'm still married to Barb . " This family , our bosses , our avenue of financial survival and security work harder than any one of us in this room ever has , I can almost bet you . Len is eight years older than I am and has worked almost ninety hours a week for over six years , 360 days of the year . Barb , who is ten years older than me ( you 're welcome , Barb ) is here every day as well except when Len can convince or make her mad enough to take a shift off . I 'll admit it can be challenging at times working here . I 'll admit sometimes you can get discouraged or feel unappreciated . I 've been a server for over thirty five years and have felt that way at every job I 've had . Here 's the huge difference . We don 't work for a huge corporation that couldn 't care less . We work for a family who has poured all their money , heart and soul into a venue that allows us all to survive . Accept this small token of appreciation from us and do whatever you want with it . Fix something broken , treat yourselves to something you want or just put it in the bank . Just know that it is heart felt . It was an awesome party and feel lucky to be a part of the team . It 's the only Christmas party I 've gone to this year but is one I would never miss . Even came home with three boxes of leftovers and three hundred dollars in hard cold cash . Support small business . . . GO AMERICA ! I was starting to get worried about Christmas . Waiting tables is a hit or miss job even if you give excellent service all the time . Some people simply don 't get it . Servers make $ 2 . 13 an hour . Taxes on your tips are taken out of that salary . Then as with most places , the server has to tip out to the bartenders on alcohol sales and also tip out to hosts and bus boys . So if you leave a server a fifteen percent tip , they actually get eleven or twelve percent after tip out . I 've been struggling this holiday season . Sometimes you get great tables and sometimes you get horrible tables . I 've had a few bad ones , no one 's fault just my luck of the draw . They were loving me and I was hitting all the marks . The cooks did an outstanding job and the job they do makes a huge difference in the way my night can go . Cooks are a temperamental bunch and can be complete A Holes at times . They think we are all idiots and we think they all are . It makes for lively conversation sometimes . One of the newer cooks said to another cook , " What 's she talking about ? " One of the older cook 's , who reads my Blog said " She says the expo window divides the restaurant . We 're North Korea and they 're South Korea . " ( unless you ask a cook , then it flips the other way ) Tim picked me up from work and I was in the back finishing up cleaning the tables from my last party when the owner hollered back ( we were closed by then ) " Kelly ! Your husband 's here for his half of your take . " I walked out and said to Tim , waiting for me to finish " I only made twenty bucks tonight , baby . " Yes I work for and with some crazy folks but guess that 's why I fit in so well . After almost four years of working almost seven days a week every week , the tide is slowly turning . I 'm working six shifts a week compared to the thirteen I used to work and have actually begun to gain a little weight back and feel like we can make it now . Tim has a great lead on a full time job , all three kids are working and the tide seems to finally be turning our way . I wasn 't worried about Christmas for my family . I gave the kids a low budget and already have all of Massey 's paid for . I 'm paying for Zach 's tomorrow and have already gotten a few other presents . I was more worried about the little girl we had adopted from The Salvation Army . I was worried I had bitten off too much to chew but tonight changed everything . . . she 'll have a great Christmas now and get everything on her wish list ! I am one of the most blessed people on the planet and don 't think for a minute that I don 't realize it . Charging ahead full steam . I still have eighteen days to go in our Holiday Season at the restaurant and have a good feeling about it . He seems happy though and that makes me happy . We still have his " boy " Charlie living large with us . Loving the little doofus was hard to get used to but fat boy has worked his way into my heart and now love him like crazy . Tim calls him " Chally Fat Boy " and I call him " Chally TWO Phat . " He rarely answers to anything , we think he 's most probably deaf and already know he 's dumb but he 's deafinitely ( small pun ) one of the family . He 's got a face you GOTTA love . So the Clampetts are doing Christmas again . It 's gonna be another slim year but I quit worrying about that over four years ago . One good thing about not having a lot of money is you learn to enjoy the Reason for the Season . I often think about families this time of year who don 't even HAVE a house or place to call home TO lose . I think about people suffering from cancer or other horrible , devastating sometimes ( often ) fatal diseases . I think about little kids who are abused or neglected . I think about people starving in third world countries . I think about women who live in countries where they can 't even receive an education . I think about how utterly stupid our own politicians are , worried more about the party they are affiliated with than the people they represent . I ask you all this holiday season to look around yourself and see others . Lend a hand or just an ear . Touch someone 's life . Make a true difference . puzzling and puzzling , how could it be so ? It came without ribbons . It came without tags . It came without packages , boxes or bags . And he puzzled and puzzled ' till his puzzler was sore . Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn 't before . What if Christmas , he thought , doesn 't come from a store . What if Christmas , perhaps , means a little bit more . " Life is all about Karma . What goes around comes around . Life is all about the Golden Rule . Treat others as you would treat yourself . Life is not what you make of it but what you take from it and pay forward . Our world is in serious need of a make over . I worry about the world as much as I do about my own family . We all live in the same place . A very Merry Christmas to each and every one of you . Take a minute , even just ten seconds out of your day to think about people less fortunate than yourself and then count YOUR blessings . Count them one by one and you will also be amazed what The Lord has done . We got a new guy at work . He 's a full blooded Indian from Oaklahoma and just moved here to Newnan . Kind of ironic , the county we live in is " Coweta " the name of a former tribe . I 've never worked with a full blooded Native American but respect the heck out of them . We raped them of their land and rights , took over their nation and as my younger son Zach said " Shoved them all into a tiny territory . " He 's a really nice guy and has tried hard to fit into our dysfunctional work family . Here 's the thing , he 's a klutz . He bumps into you constantly ( and is not a tiny Indian ) . He 's studied the menu and tried hard to learn all the dishes and done an excellent job . He 's just a klutz , but are a lot worse things a person could be . I like to call him Chief , some call him Injun but he takes it all in the spirit which it is given . His real name is Joe . A couple of weeks ago he was in the kitchen at work and knocked over a huge stained glass screen that hides all the brooms and dustpans from customers being able to see them . The bottom panel cracked and fell out and I could tell he was sick about it . Luckily , Barb had gone to the store for something so we patched it up with duct tape and no one mentioned it when she got back . Saturday night he was doing his sidework which included marrying the racks of coffee mugs by the coffee station which sits right by the door leading to the dining room . He pulled the bottom rack out and pulled it a bit too far and the entire front of the rack fell to the floor sending the china cups crashing to the tile floor and rolling out into the dining room . The rack fell on the top of one of his feet and as he leaned back in pain against the wall behind him ( which houses all controls for the lighting in the entire restaurant ) and slumped down a bit he inadvertently turned down every light in the store . Lucky for him ( again ) Barb was gone on break and we all helped him sweep up the mess before she got back . Barb is so tight she could pinch a penny til it screamed . The minute she hears a crash anywhere in the restaurant , her head snaps quickly to the side and she hurries off to see what we have broken now . So Tall Bull in a china shop got off easy again . When Barb got back she immediately asked who had been messing with the lights , it was dark as night in the place . Oops , we forgot to push the light switches back up after Chief fell into the wall . So about an hour later was in the back of the kitchen when Tall Bull in a china shop was trying to cut up the Parmesan cheese . Len ( the owner ) buys a huge wheel that is hard as heck to cut and has a huge two handled knife over two feet long just for that purpose . Tall Bull in a china shop had a knife like the ones we use to cut bread with and was sawing away at the wheel of cheese which is the diameter of a basketball . He said the Len , " Is this the knife I should be using for this ? " to which Len replied that was the worst knife to use . I chuckled at that and before I could stop myself said " Somebody get him a tomahawk . " I did go over and find the two handled knife for him and showed him how to use it . About three years ago , Barb hired a gal who was a total spastic wreck . I know Barb felt sorry for her ( Barb always likes to have a pet project ) but the gal just couldn 't catch on . Her name was Janine . Len made her a nervous wreck and she was terrified of him . Here 's the thing about Len : do your job EXACTLY the way he tells you to and you won 't have any problem . Well , maybe one or two . . . he IS a Mad Italian but work hard and you can fly under the radar for the most part . Any time he would tell her to do something , she always tried to go one step further , which isn 't what he wants . He wants you to do exactly what he tells you to do . One time he told her to take more bread to a table . He had stopped by to chat with them and said he 'd have the server bring more bread out with their meal . He went to find Janine and told her to take more bread to table 202 . She made the fatal mistake of saying " They don 't want anymore . " Let 's just say that set him off . He said " Did I ASK you if they wanted more or did I TELL you to take them more ? " Here 's the thing , when he stopped by to chat they said they had changed their mind and more bread would be nice . When the owner of a restaurant tells you to do something , unless it is illegal or not job related , you 'd best do it . I learned that one YEARS ago . One night , a busy Friday night Janine was standing by the expo counter and in the middle of a huge push ( that means we were balls to the walls busy ) knocked the printer off the counter which sends checks to the cooks . It hit the floor and busted open , but that 's not all . As she tried to catch the printer from falling she knocked the huge container of pasta spoons onto the floor and as she tried to catch that from falling as well , knocked a container of steak knives onto the floor as well . When the ole gal goofed , she did it royally . Len had to come off the cook line and fix the printer while the rest of us picked up all the spoons and knives . I 've been a server since 1979 . That 's a long time no matter what you do for a living . I enjoy it for the most part , it 's fast paced but that 's the way I am geared . Even if it 's balls to the walls busy , there will always be down time when you can laugh and trust me , working with the public gives you plenty of things to laugh about . Even though we are family we are a divided family . Cooks vs Servers . All cooks think servers are complete idiots and all servers think cooks are complete asses . Who 's right ? It depends on which side of the kitchen you work . Take tonight , for example . A cook , who can be a total Richard Noggin ' was taking a break . He had fixed his dinner on a plate and it held two apples and carrot sticks . Being the smarty pants I am said " What are you , a horse now ? ' When he smirked at me I turned to another server and said " And we thought he was a Jack Ass ! " It 's our beach season in the restaurant world . We have six weeks to pad our nest egg . Large parties every night and lots of peeps out to celebrate . It started slow for me but that 's just the way it is . Waiting tables is always a gamble . You roll big or you crap out . You just keep on keeping on and hope it all averages out in your favor . When I started working for them they were located in a small strip mall . Next door was the original Starship , another blast from the past . Back then we just called it a Head Shop but had the coolest tee shirts , all kinds of trinkets and great posters too . Johnny 's was on the end of the strip , Starship was next , then a printing company . Next to that was a locksmith then on the other end a tailor shop . I remember it like it was yesterday . Oh , the eighties ! I had a good run with Johnny 's . I grew up while working there and developed the work ethic I still have today from working for Scott . ( although everyone who didn 't know him always called him Johnny ) I actually met my husband there . He used to come in after work with his buddies for pizza and beer . It was a local watering hole and neighborhood hangout for the locals and airport workers . There was an older black guy we called Shine . . . he shined shoes at the airport and liked his chilled Burgundy wine in a paper cup . This was back when they had Sky Caps at Hartsfield , usually always black men who helped you unload your luggage at the curb ( for a tip ) way back when you could park curbside to unload before a flight . They all came into Johnny 's to eat or drink . Ramp workers , sky caps , shoe shiners , flight attendants , even leads and management . We were right down the street from the Eastern hangar . It was a cool place to work and an even cooler place to hang out . It was housed in an old Huddle House . It had maybe ten swivel stools at the counter and six booths . They built three longer booths at the back of the store for larger parties . There was a group of guys from Ethiopia who played soccer together and came in regularly after games and always drained the Heineken supply . . . dang those men could drink . It was a laid back place to work without many rules . One guy used to come in to eat and drink with his buddies , sit at one of the back long booths and bring his pet hawk on his arm covered with a thick heavy leather glove . You don 't see THAT every day . Back in the eighties professional wrestling was getting big again . The gas station next door to us and across the bridge let wrestler 's park their cars in their lots when they flew out to other cities for a match . I waited on Andre the Giant many times , he was a freak of nature but a nice enough guy . Rick Flair , Dusty Rhodes , and even The Assassins ( I and II ) came in . The great thing about Johnny 's was it was a neighborhood pizzeria . I am still FB friends with many many peeps who used to frequent the store . My own Diddy used to come in with his church buds every week after visitation for a sub or pizza . It was an unpretentious and all welcoming place to be and work . The Ethiopian dudes used to sideline as parking attendants at The Omni and got us many free tickets to shows . To name a few , Bob Seger , Cyndi Lauper , and Eddie Money . Yep it was the eighties and they were some hot groups to see . It was great seeing my old boss again . He was always a stand up guy and taught me how to be a grownup at the age of twenty two . He was my first mentor . Dang , sometimes being a waitress rules . I know I 'm supposed to call myself a " Server " but am old school and still consider myself a waitress . Always have been , always will be . I waited on two peeps , a mother and son , waited on five teachers having their Christmas gift exchange when my Christmas Angel came in . She 's only a bit older than me , a Coweta County native and one of my favorite people . She suffers from MS . I have a brother in law who suffers from it too . It seems when you have MS all you do is suffer from it . No cure , just coping . Tonight she ambled into the restaurant on her walker with her daughter , who could be a freakin model she 's so pretty and they sat at my table . I would love nothing more than to be able to go out to dinner with my momma but lost her when I was seventeen . Hope I can hang around a few more years for Massey and me to do the same for years to come . This woman not only suffers from MS , she suffers from losing her husband to cancer a year ago . Every time I go to her house she is a delight to be around . She is a strong minded and sound woman and I admire her . I walked them out to the car carrying the box and gave her a hug , I think she hugged me even tighter . I went back inside to clear the table and picked up the credit card slip . I didn 't have my glasses on and thought she had left me a fifty percent tip . I shook my head thinking she shouldn 't have done that . Twenty minutes later I put my glasses on and realized she had left me an almost hundred percent tip . Now I can pay off my cell phone bill and buy some presents for more kids through The Salvation Army . What goes around comes around . What 's even more important is when someone pays it forward to you , pay it forward to another . I just can 't grasp or understand all the politics . I can 't understand all the political fighting . I can 't understand the back biting and back stabbing . I sincerely think the American people have forgotten the most important words . " WE the people " Loosely translated by this girl it all means " Live and let live . Love as you would want to be loved . Do unto others as you would have them do unto you . " In my book that pretty much covers it all . I used to get all into decorating the house and front yard , especially when the kids were younger . Now my youngest is over eighteen and living away at college so guess I 'll get a tree and let it go at that . I have all the lights for the front bushes in boxes out in the garage but doubt I 'll put them up . There 's always that one strand which blows a fuse and they all go out , plus I used to love to come home from work and see the yard all lit up . Now I 'd just drive home , see them and think about how the power bill was going up . I haven 't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping . I 've never been one of those early shoppers , even when Tim and I were making good money . We 've always made sure all December 's bills were paid before we even started to shop and then paid cash for what we purchased . It 's still one of the best rules we 've ever come up with . I have plenty of memories of the kids at Christmas when they were little . We always put their toys and presents out , unwrapped like Santa had come . I 've always been a server and most always worked nights . I can remember coming home from work or the in laws on Christmas Eve and wishing the kids would go to bed so I could get started on my Santa duty . More than once I can remember saying to the kids " You sound like you 're coming down with a cold . You don 't want to be sick Christmas morning , take this Benadryl , it 'll help you stay well . " After they were knocked out I 'd get started and could be as loud as I wanted . Now they are all older , we can enjoy Christmas as it should be enjoyed , " The Reason for the Season . " It 's the time to bake cookies and cheese straws . It 's the time to go by The Salvation Army and pick up a small list of things some child wished for . It 's the time to invite friends over who have nowhere to go on Christmas Day . It 's the time to reflect and affect . When I worked for the After School Program at my kid 's elementary school , I saw kids who broke my heart . I 'll never forget one little girl , she couldn 't have been more than nine years old . Her momma was a big ole slob who didn 't have a pot to piss in but always had a manicure and fake nails . Her daughter always looked ragged and dirty but was such a sweet girl . When the kids came back to school after Christmas break I remember my boss asking this little girl what she got from Santa ? The little girl 's face lit up and she said " I got a candy bar and a five dollar bill ! " I think this was one Christmas when we bought our boys a PlayStation , and Massey got spoiled too . Another little boy , Chase was just as pitiful . He came to school every day nasty and constantly had a snotty nose . His fingernails were long and disgustingly dirty . One day I kept him in when the other kids went out to play . I sat him down and took out some nail clippers . When I cut his nails , he cringed every time I pressed the clippers . How sad is it that a child is frightened of having his nails clipped because it happened so infrequently ? Here 's my biggest gripe . If you don 't want to take care of children or attempt to give them a good life . . . don 't have them . If you are selfish , that 's fine but don 't bring a child into this world and then neglect them while you take care of yourself . Today was a rainy day . . . all day . That isn 't the kind of day you like when you have three big dogs . I kept waiting for the rain to stop so I could go to the grocery store but by three realized we would starve if I waited for the rain to stop . I used to love Publix , never shopped anywhere but . When our life hit the skids a few years back I switched to Kroger . I would have done the Walmart route but when you go there for groceries suddenly you think of a million other things you need and wander off from the grocery aisles and end up over in the hardware , auto or garden dept . Kroger is cheaper and I like saving gas points but have found me an even cheaper option . Food Depot . You shouldn 't go there the day food stamps come out , the place is a mad house but at least peeps living off the govt . are stretching OUR dollars . I 'm not dissing them , at one time a few short years ago I was one of them and my own family received govt assistance . We wouldn 't have made it without it . So anyway , I go into Food Depot to pick up the bare minimum . Paid a couple of bills and had forty bucks for gas and groceries . Here 's what I like about Food Depot , poor peeps are pretty much the friendliest peeps you 'll meet . They aren 't in any kind of hurry . They are just going back home to depressing squalor . They all seem to know each other , unlike Publix , Kroger or even Walmart . I was rounding the first aisle in produce when an old man started chatting me up . " Beep beep , here I come " he said . I smiled and let him pass . We met up again in the meat section . He asked me where something was and for the life of me couldn 't understand him . He had no teeth . He looked clean and his tattered clothes looked clean but simply couldn 't understand him . I finally figured out he was looking for Jimmy Dean sausage , the patties . I pointed back to the bacon when he said " Don 't leave me hanging , come show me where they is " so I did . He thanked me and said " I oughta take you home wit me . " I took absolutely no offense but some people would . He meant it as a compliment and I took it that way . He waved as we parted ways in frozen foods . As I was bagging my own groceries ( just to help out ) a worker there came up to help and asked me where I got my shoes ? I had on what Massey calls my Tater shoes . I love them , bought them about sixteen years ago when we first moved here . Ziggy had pulled the leather laces out and chewed them up but I bought more and are my favorite shoes , wide at the toe and the most comfortable shoes I 've ever owned . We chatted a bit about my shoes then I loaded up my bags and left . We spent Thanksgiving at my brother 's new house in Orlando this year . He invited us all down for Thanksgiving , his treat . He just bought a big house on a beautiful lake and even has a twenty four foot Sea Ray . We were all excited ! We went down in shifts . My sister , my daughter and I left first on Tuesday around noon . We drove thirty minutes and stopped for lunch . . . you gotta love driving with women . My Cotton luck kicked right in around Tifton , Georgia and rain began to pour in buckets . The wind was crazy , the people driving were crazy and then the lightning was crazy . Her defroster only semi worked but the windshield was still hard to see out of and I was a nervous wreck . I hated to be a sissy and tell her how much I despise driving in the rain , especially since she was the one who letting us bum a ride down with her . So I 'm in the slow lane , forcing myself to go fifty when the first lightening bolt hit that seemed like it was twenty feet away . My nerves were shot and kept hoping to see an exit sign . We finally saw one and told them I had to stop for a minute . We pulled into the first gas station and I pulled up next to a pump even though we had a full tank . ( The pumps had a roof over them ) We went back around the side and entered the store again . I told Massey to buy me a coke , handed her some money and tried to calm my nerves outside as I watched the rain blow sideways . My sister went to the restroom next and came back to announce she had seen cleaner rest rooms in Cuba while on a mission trip . Feeling braver I got back into the driver 's seat and off we went again . I got on the highway and the guy behind me started honking . I looked down and saw I was going 40 MPH so I took a deep breath and kicked it up to 55 . Not ten minutes later while Cin was talking on her cell to her husband I heard a thump coming from the fast lane and saw a car hydroplaning then spinning in circles headed straight for the front of our car . It was close enough for me to touch it out the window . I slowed down so it wouldn 't hit us and the driver over corrected and started spinning back the other way . The car hit the median and came to a stop against the inside wall facing oncoming traffic . Massey called 911 and I just kept going , praying someone didn 't slam into the wrecked car facing traffic . By this point my nerves were completely shot , then it got even worse . The lightning was downright frightening every time it cracked and I saw something on the median wall up ahead . As we got closer we saw it was a huge boat sitting on top of the wall with it 's trailer still in the lane of traffic and the car that had been pulling it a little further down . Needless to say I once again started praying for an exit sign . For some reason idiot drivers feel it necessary to put their hazard lights on which only confuse the cars behind them . We limped to the next exit and I was still shaking when we got out of the car . The windshield was so smudged up from us trying to wipe it clear you could barely see out of it so we went to a Dollar Store and bought some windex and paper towels . By the time we got the windshield clear the rain had slacked up but I still handed the keys back to my sister . Tag , you 're it . Chris had gone grocery shopping with a detailed shopping list my sister had sent him and the kitchen was stocked with everything we needed to cook the Thanksgiving dinner . He also had a full supply of anything you might think you may want to drink . Water bottles , Snapple , plenty of wine , red and white . All kinds of beer , scotch , vodka , tequila and all the mixers . . . things were looking up ! The next morning he worked a half a day and we went out for a couple of last minute items we 'd forgotten about . We were driving back home when a flock of tiny white birds fluttered in the sky above the car . Just as we noticed them , a huge Bald Eagle swooped into the flock of tiny birds . It was the most amazing , tremendous bird I 've ever seen and was so close we could see it in detail . You certainly don 't see a Bald Eagle every day ! Chris got home around noon and took us out on his boat . it 's a beautiful boat and large enough for him to take out in the ocean . We backed out of the slip and I shouted out " Take off , Sonny Crockett ! " and he did ! It was a beautiful but windy day and we had to hang onto our hats but had a great time . By this time our next crew was on the way down , Tim and Cindy 's son , Casey . Massey and Chris left to go pick up a Honey Baked Ham and brought us all back subs for dinner . Cindy and I got busy doing some chopping and preparations for Thursday . we got most all the casseroles put together and a lot of little things out of the way . We played cards after dinner around the huge dining room table Chris bought since we were having Thanksgiving at his house . It seats ten easily . It was nice just being with my brother and sister again . Massey got to see first hand how funny we all ( think we ) are when together , especially when it 's cocktail time . Thanksgiving morning Massey went to the airport to pick up Cin 's husband who flew down and the party grew even larger . The boys played golf and Cin and I got busy cooking . Let 's just say we outdid ourselves . Chris ' next door neighbor and his girlfriend joined us for dinner and the feast started . Everything turned out great and we totally stuffed ourselves . A bunch went out on the boat after dinner and we got everything put up into the fridge . We played cards after dinner and some watched football . Cin taught us a new card game , Nertz . You have to get the hang of it first but turned out to be a pretty fun game . Once again the beer , wine and cocktails flowed freely . Some more friends of my brother 's were dropping by later on and my other nephew ( Griffin ) and his girlfriend were flying down around seven to join us . Griffin 's girlfriend is a cutie pie , Hawaiian and they make a really cute couple . Around eight or so we had probably six or seven of us around the huge table playing cards and the football games were blaring out in surround sound on the huge flat screen in the living room and were partying up a storm when the kitchen door opened and Griffin 's girlfriend appeared to appear in the door way while my sister and I shouted " How 'd you get here , Jamie ? " ( We were supposed to send either Massey or Harvey to pick them up ) When Griffin didn 't walk in behind her but some dude we had never seen did , finally realized it wasn 't Jamie but another one of Chris ' friends dropping by with her boyfriend . The girl was very pretty and just happened to be from Laos . When you 're partying it up , playing an intense card game and the room is loud , Hawaii and Laos are ( so it seems ) easily confused . The girl looked at Cindy and me like we were idiots but soon enough we were all laughing again . The leftovers came out of the fridge and we started over . Jamie and Griffin DID arrive after Harvey went and picked them up and party number three started . More food was eaten and Chris shot off massive fireworks from the dock . It was an awesome Thanksgiving . The next day we all went out on the boat again . Casey got to drive this time and we stayed out for quite a while . When Chris asked Griffin if he wanted to drive the only thing Griffin asked when he took the wheel was " How do you make it go fast ? " We survived , came home and ate more leftovers . We had enough food to feed a small army . That night after watching football games we decided to play games . We started with Charades , boys against girls and all laughed ourselves silly . Then my sister and I wanted to play Kangaroo ; it 's a game my parents used to play at church socials . The only ones who knew how it worked were Chris , Cindy and me . Short version : everyone continues what they are doing , playing cards or watching TV . I say to my sister , " I 'm clearing the air and sending you a message . " Nobody much pays attention but the thing is who ever talks next is the unknown Kangaroo . After a couple more minutes go by I ask Cindy if she received my message ? If she is sure she knows who the first person to speak was after I cleared the air she says she has the message , if she 's not certain ( maybe two people spoke at once ) she says she hasn 't received it and I clear the air again . ( Let 's just say it was Griffin who spoke first when I cleared the air ) A couple more minutes go by and I ask her if she got my message ? Once she has the message , we send her out of the room . I begin pointing at different people in the room and say " Kangaroo " and from outside the room she repeats back " Kangaroo . " Finally I point to Griffin and say to her outside of the room " Kangaroo , who am I pointing to ? " and she says " Griffin . " I wish you could have seen their faces . . . they thought we were magicians ! A couple of them tried it , always failing then Cindy and I would do it again , this time with her clearing the air . By the third time we did it they were all guessing different ways they thought we were doing it . Finally Griffin 's girlfriend caught on and we had another few rounds including her . It 's a great party game . We were sailing along in Gainesville , Florida . Tim was driving . We were in the passing / fast lane when we heard a loud " BAM " and Tim yelled " Was that us ? " We were still rolling along but we saw a tire tread behind us . About then Massey said she smelled the burning rubber so we pulled off into the tiny emergency lane by the center median . Casey stopped behind us in their car . The entire tread had blown off . Cars were whizzing by going eighty and were literally about four feet from the car . It was the passenger side back tire . Cindy backed her car up about thirty feet or so and put her flashers on . The boys started getting the spare out and cars kept right on whizzing by , making my sister and me nervous wrecks . I made Massey get out of the car and stand far into the grassy median . Cindy and I walked well down past her car behind the car with the flat . She stopped there and I continued down about another twenty feet . As the cars approached I waved my hands frantically down in an effort to tell cars to slow down . Cindy was motioning for cars to move over a lane to give us more room to change the tire . For the most part people were fantastic and although we caused a small traffic backup with our antics at least it slowed most all the cars down . Of course there is one in every crowd . As Griffin was wrestling with the tire iron with his back no more than three feet away from passing cars , one idiot blew his horn as he passed going at least seventy . You can 't fix stupid . We finally got back into the lane and maneuvered all the way over to the slow lane . I was just happy no one had gotten hurt or killed . Then we had to find a tire place open on a Sunday afternoon , Thanksgiving weekend . So the trip down was horrible and the trip back was scary but the in between was marvelous ! I guess that 's what they mean about taking the good with the bad . We didn 't get Massey back to her dorm until almost ten and got home around eleven . We had been shooting for seven . So all in all it was a " Thanks Given " to remember . I give Thanks I didn 't get anyone killed while freaking out in the torrential thunderstorm on the way down and I give Thanks no one got killed changing the tire by a packed out holiday weekend interstate fast lane . I give Thanks I have such a wonderful brother who was an ultimate host to our crazy band of misfits . I give Thanks for days of fun and laughter with the ones I love . I give Thanks to the two who had to stay home for work and couldn 't go with us but took care of all our pups , eight in all . We 're all going to Orlando for Thanksgiving at my brother 's new digs . He bought a lake house and bought a boat and for some crazy reason invited us all down for Thanksgiving . My sister and I are pumped ! My bro is an amazing carbon copy of our Diddy , except that he smokes an occasional cigar and likes an occasional cocktail . He 's OUR kind of guy ! We are leaving here after work on Tuesday . Massey , me and my sister . Now THAT ' S a road trip ! We 'll pull into Orlando late and wake up early to get my brother 's credit card . We 'll do all the shopping and bring home the groceries . Since we don 't have to worry about getting the house clean will just dive into the cooking . My brother is smoking a turkey so that 's one more item crossed off our list . I have a small immediate family now . It 's just me , my sister and brother . They are the world to me and have had my back from the time our parents died . Our Momma died in under one minute when I was just seventeen . Our Diddy died in 2002 within the span of tens days , going from healthy as an ox to a man taken off life support , per his instructions . Let the Holiday Season begin , my girl 's home ! I 've been stuck since August living here with five males , who combined have ten balls and sixteen feet . That makes for a lot of foot traffic and misguided urine . She bounced back into the house like a beach ball . We hugged , talked for a few minutes then she immediately took over the computer . Dang , I 've missed her bossy ways . She 'll make an excellent wife one day . I have five more days to work then we are headed to Orlando for Thanksgiving at my own brother 's new lake house . Zach can 't go , he is working two jobs both in restaurants and trust me , it ain 't easy getting holidays off . At least he will be here to take care of the pups and have already promised myself I will do something really nice for him when we get back . I can 't stop my kids from making bad choices . . . the line is drawn now . I am on the sideline as their cheerleader . But as I see them make mistakes , which they have , continually amaze me with their resilience and determination to own up , pay for and learn from unfortunate decisions . Going to bed a happy momma . We may not have a lot of money but have a butt load of love in this house . And Love is all you need . I just walked in the door from work . Dang , it 's a good feeling ! Paid forward some of the many acts of kindness I have been shown and c . . . |
I am kind of desperate to get my dissertation revisions done . Will 's refusal to take a bottle has definitely complicated this process . Today I took him back to the daycare and had them try to feed him again while I was still there . No luck . Every time Ms . V brought the bottle to his lips , he would squirrel his head away and look at something else in the room . It was so frustrating . After maybe 10 minutes I took him and tried the bottle . At first he did the same thing , but then he just opened his mouth and started drinking . I fed him about an ounce out of the bottle , and then we did the old bait and switch : I handed him to Ms . V and she finished feeding him . I have no idea why I had to be the one to get him started eating . I just wonder what is going on his little mind . I left and went to the Champaign Library , which is nearby . I had an hour or so to work before I needed to pick him up again . It was great . I did some tedious reanalyzing of data that would have been so hard to do while taking care of Will . I went back to pick Will up , and on the way home he fell asleep . I thought for sure he would wake up at any second , but he ended up sleeping in his carseat for almost 3 hours . I think going to daycare really takes a lot out of him . It just must be overwhelming to him or something . To see all those other babies and play with all those toys and to be without mama . I hope he isn 't scared . When I got there to pick him up , he was crying , but as soon as he saw me walk in the room his face just lit up . And I 'm sure my face lit up when I saw him too . I 'd only been away from him a little over an hour , but it felt so good to hold him again . At any rate , I was really glad when he finally woke up because by that point it had been almost 7 hours since he had nursed and I was extremely uncomfortable . I was also freaking out that this whole day care thing is going to make my milk supply go down . If I had known he was going to sleep that long , I would have pumped , but I kept thinking that he would wake up soon and be very hungry . I just don 't want to end up skipping feedings and having milk supply issues . Well , I guess I 'd better go pump and try to get to bed . Will was so tired all day today that he favored sleeping instead of eating . He didn 't nurse as much as he usually does , so that makes me wonder if he 'll be hungry all night long ! I guess that a lot of kids have some sort of cherished toy or blankie , commonly referred to as a " lovie , " that they need to clutch in order to fall asleep . Will has got a lot of toys and animals , many of which he finds very interesting , but none of which he needs to have for sleeping . The closest thing he 's got is Blue Seahorse , a kind of funny looking stuffed animal that plays lullabies if you press its tummy . The first time he saw Blue Seahorse ( when Gramma Nan and Grampa Rick gave it to him for Christmas ) , he opened his mouth as wide as he could and clamped down on Seahorse 's nose . Seahorse is still very fascinating to him . Sometimes when he wakes up very early in the morning , I will put Seahorse in bed with him and he will fall back asleep while listening to the lullabies . I have mixed feelings about lovies . I fear that if Will had a lovie , and that if it someday got misplaced or dirty when he was supposed to go to bed , that there would then be no sleeping . Most of the time I maintain that it is not too hard for me to get Will to sleep ( getting him to stay asleep is another matter entirely ) , but I realized that it actually is kind of an ordeal . When I started taking him to daycare , they asked if there was anything special they should know , I realized that if I wrote down instructions for what I have to do to get him to take a nap , it would require pages and pages . In a nutshell , here is " the routine " : First , I feed him . He almost always falls asleep while he is eating . And as soon as I take him off , he almost always wakes up and cries . Very quickly , I swaddle him as tight as I can in two blankets ( it has to be two blankets only because he is too big to be properly swaddled with just one ) . Then I hold him on his side - - with his tummy next to my tummy , and his head in the crook of my left elbow . Then I sway back and forth , and - - here is the most important thing - - I pat his back with each sway . The patting of the back is key . I don 't know why . The swaddling is also key because it keeps his arms from flailing around . He does thrash around a lot and he still wakes up the instant his arms become unswaddled . I do have fears that I will still have to swaddle him by the time he is in kindergarden ( and that I will still be nursing him at that point too ) , but I am trying to just take it one day at a time here . The swaddling blankets are therefore very important to this process , and unfortunately , although we have an entire closet stacked full of receiving blankets , they are too small to swaddle him in anymore and we are down to just 2 blankets that I can actually manage to swaddle him in . So if these 2 blankets get soiled , drooled upon , or otherwise dirty , the sleeping process becomes more difficult . I don 't think these really qualify as " lovies " though , because he could care less about what blankets he 's swaddled in . I just don 't want to go out and buy any more blankets because it seems very wasteful considering that we already have at least 500 baby blankets in the house . When I finally started to get serious about mandating daytime naps , I began to do this sleep routine procedure for a morning nap , for an afternoon nap , and again at night . Even if he is screaming at the top of his lungs when we begin , I can generally have him to sleep in about 2 - 5 minutes . There have been some exceptional circumstances when it took upwards of 15 minutes , or other times when I was just too freaking exhausted to do all this and it does not end well . But for the most part it works . Sometimes , I have even been able to lay him down while he is still awake and he falls asleep on his own ( so long as his dang arms don 't get out and rile him up ) . But other times ( like today ! ) , I can easily get him to sleep doing " the routine , " but as soon as I lay him down he wakes up cries ! I know I am probably jinxing myself by posting this here , but last night Will slept for 11 . 5 hours straight . For the first time ever . He typically goes to bed between 7 and 8 , and lately he 's been waking up 2 - 3 times in the night . Then last night , the 11 . 5 hour sleep came completely out of the blue . And I actually got 9 hours of sleep myself ! It was AMAZING . I felt like a new woman . I haven 't slept that long since before I got pregnant ( what with my frequent waking up to puke or pee ) . I know this 11 . 5 hour sleep was probably a fluke , but I can 't help but hope . We attempted to do the daycare thing today , and Will refused to take a bottle from them . Again ! Grrr . Just when I thought we had this worked out . Will had gotten up and eaten around 5 this morning , and then he went back to sleep until 8 : 30 . It was great because I got some extra sleep ( to make up for the fact that his snoring and intermittent waking kept me up half the night ! ) , but it did put us a bit behind schedule . He had soiled himself , so I had to give him a bath , and then I fed him , and was trying to get both of us ready to go . We ended up heading out the door at about 9 : 35 . It takes about 15 minutes to get to the daycare , plus a few minutes to get him settled in and chat with the nursery staff , and then another 15 minutes back home . I finally got to work on my dissertation around 10 : 15 . Then I had to leave again at 11 : 40 - ish so I could get there and collect him on time . In the end , I got about an hour and a half to work on my dissertation , during which I missed him so badly that I could barely focus . When I got to the daycare to pick him up and they told me he would not eat , my heart sank . His refusal to eat / take a bottle when he is away from me is not a step in the right direction . If he truly wasn 't hungry during that time , sure , it would be fine . But he is hungry , and he gets frustrated and furious . The boy just accepts no substitutes . He just had this sort of shell - shocked , wide - eyed look of terror all the way home , and as soon as I got him inside , he threw his head back and wailed like a banshee . His poor sweet little face was all red and covered in tears and snot . The bottle they had attempted to feed him was still warm ; I heated it up a little bit more and thought we 'd give it a try . . . just to see what happened . I put the bottle to his lips , and he clamped on , sucking it down without even so much as a moment of hesitation . The little stinker ! As soon as he drained the bottle ( all 5 ounces ) , he started looking around for more . So I put him on the boob and he sucked ravenously , grabbing onto my neck with his free hand just to make sure I didn 't get away . When he finished that side , he moved straight onto the other and finished that one too . Such hunger ! I forgot to mention in my last post what a milestone it was for me - - not necessarily Will - - to let someone else feed him . In the whole 5 + months of his life , nobody but me or Rob has ever fed him , and he 's never had a drop of anything other than my breastmilk . I think some of my nervousness about taking him to daycare was that somebody else was going to feed him for the first time ever . Even though it would still be my milk , it would be somebody else giving it to him . That was a big deal for me . I don 't know if this whole thing was so hard for me because of all the difficulties we 've had breastfeeding , or if this is hard for other mothers too . As it turned out , I was really glad that Will finally took the bottle in daycare on Thursday . The stress of him not eating for 5 hours on Tuesday while I was away from him far outweighed any nervousness I had about someone at daycare feeding him . Only afterwards I realized we 'd gotten across another hurdle . Posted by A large part of me wanted to never take William to daycare again , after his refusal to take a bottle from them and his 5 - hour fast on Tuesday . But I decided that the longer I waited the more freaked out I would be about ever leaving him again . So after he got up and ate this morning , I decided to head over there . To my surprise , everyone was still nice and happy to see me when I walked in . I 'd been kind of afraid that William had cried / screamed the entire time he was there on Tuesday and that they would all run and hide the next time we showed our faces . But they assured me he had not cried too much on Tuesday , he 'd just refused the bottle even though it was obvious he was very hungry . I asked them if they had any tips or advice on what we should do to get him to take a bottle from them . They told me we could try right then , while I was still there , and we 'd see if we could find something that would work . So , I handed my baby and a bottle of breastmilk to Ms . V , and she sat with him in a rocking chair and tried to get him to eat . He did the same thing he had done on Tuesday , apparently . No crying , just moving his head out of the way and absolutely refusing the bottle . My heart sank . How would I ever be able to leave him for more than a couple of hours if he wouldn 't take a bottle ? It was kind of ironic : I fought so hard to be able to breastfeed , and now that we 'd managed to pull it off , the boy would accept no substitutes ! Ms . V was so patient . I suggested that maybe the bottle wasn 't warm enough , and she agreed that it might help if we heated it up some more . So she warmed up the bottle and tried again . This time , she sat Will up in her lap , facing outward . She thought that maybe holding him in a more " cradled " position , like when he breastfeeds , was confusing to him because it made him expect a boob instead of a bottle . This time , with warm milk and facing outward , she got the bottle nipple in his mouth and he did not fuss . He took a tentative swig . He must have thought it tasted pretty good , so he took another . And another ! He slurped it down ! Everyone cheered , the nursery staff as much as I did . I hadn 't intended on leaving him for long today at the nursery ; I basically just wanted to see if we could resolve the bottle issue . I only had about an hour left before pick up time ( the nursery closes at noon ) , so not enough time to go home / to campus and get any work done on revising my dissertation . So what did I do ? I left and ran 4 miles : ) When I came back to pick him up , he was sleeping in a swing , and they said he had been such a good and sweet baby the whole time . They said they were really proud of him for taking the bottle today , and so was I ! He woke up when I loaded him up to take him home , but he fell asleep again in the car and stayed asleep long enough for me to shower when we got home . He was pretty good for the rest of the day and even took another nap this afternoon , which allowed me to do some revisions on my dissertation . Maybe I 'll write a post someday about how sick of my dissertation I am and how I no longer accept Professor Pablo as my cloth mother after reading his ridiculously extensive comments and suggestions . Or maybe I can sum it up by just saying this : I would like to put my dissertation in a box and throw the box into the sea and then hurl the sea into outerspace . Today I went to speak about monkeys at my friend Mrs . G 's school . This is the third year in a row she has been kind enough to invite me to talk to her classes . But it 's the first year I 've had William . He went to his part - time day care all morning . I wasn 't sure how much milk he would drink while I was away from him , so I just packed a bunch of it for them to give him . As it turns out , he didn 't drink any . We had a repeat of his total refusal to drink from a bottle . I thought we 'd solved the problem by getting the right size nipples , but maybe something else is going on . Obviously , I wasn 't there while he was at the daycare , so I don 't know exactly how they tried to feed him or exactly how he reacted . All I know is that he went from about 8am to 1pm without any milk . When I found out he hadn 't eaten while he was there , I about flipped out . Normally he wants to eat every 2 hours unless he 's sleeping . The weird thing was , he wasn 't even fussing when I got to him . He was just looking around , with very wide eyes , like he was completely overwhelmed . Maybe after months of just being with mama , the daycare is too much for him . As soon as I got to him , I fed him , and even though it had been 5 hours since his last meal , he didn 't really seem all that interested . And for once in his life , he wasn 't crying . . . he just seemed . . . speechless . After he ate and we were at home , I waited a little while and then decided to see what would happen if I tried to give him a bottle . I heated up about 2 ounces and put the bottle to his lips . Without pausing , he slurped the whole thing down and then looked at me like , " You got any more ? " So I just don 't get it ! I 'm going to be really worried about ever taking him to the daycare or leaving him with anybody for more than a couple of hours in case this happens again . My poor little sweetheart . I just held him and hugged him and kissed him and kept feeding him all afternoon . What must have been going on in his little mind that made him not want to eat at daycare ? I hope he didn 't think I 'd left him and I wasn 't coming back . It must have all been very overwhelming to him . Poor sweet William ! I 've heard of this thing called " nipple confusion " - - wherein breastfed babies who are given a bottle then get confused and will not breastfeed again . I was a little worried about this , but luckily in our case , when we had to give Will bottles of pumped breastmilk during the first several weeks of his life , he had no problem going between the two . Well , the first time we tried to give him a bottle ( during which my heart was breaking , even though it was my own milk in there ) , he seemed confused and furious ( he was always furious back then though , and sometimes still is now too ) . Once he realized milk was coming out of it , he closed his eyes and sucked it down . Gradually , I was able to stop giving him pumped milk and just breastfeed him . We gave him a bottle on Halloween so that I could have some booze at Pablo 's party , and then I don 't think he had another bottle until my dissertation defense in December , when I was away from him for several hours . Everything was fine . Then last weekend , I set out to do an 8 - mile training run , with the intention of Rob giving him a bottle of pumped milk . All hell broke loose , and he completely refused it . He just cried for the entire time I was gone . I thought maybe it was a fluke , and I tried to give him a bottle a few days later . Same thing . It was awful . I consulted some of my mom friends , who had a lot of suggestions . Somebody suggested getting a different nipple size for the bottle he was drinking out of . I was vaguely aware that bottle nipples come in different sizes , but I hadn 't thought too much about it . We were using some Dr . Brown 's bottles that somebody had given me at the baby shower , and I was just using the nipple that came with it . There was nothing on the box or in the lengthy instruction booklet ( yes , an instruction booklet with a bottle ) about different nipple sizes and when you should be using which size . It just said that the bottle came with a Level One nipple . So I looked online and saw that there are actually 6 different nipple sizes that go with Dr . Brown 's . Level 1 is for newborns - - age 0 to 3 months . No wonder he didn 't want it ! I went to the store and found some Level 2 nipples , which is for 3 to 6 months . I actually went to 3 different stores looking for the other sizes , just in case he was ready for a Level 3 ( afterall , he is already wearing 6 to 9 month clothes ! ) or even a Level 4 , which is supposed to be for " more aggressive feeders . " If ever there were 2 words that could describe Will , aggressive feeder would be it . I never found any of the other sizes besides Level 1 and Level 2 , so I was hoping that the Level 2 worked . And it did ! We got home from the shopping excursion and I got the new nipples cleaned and ready to go , and Will took a bottle with no problems whatsoever ! I was so relieved . It will make marathon training and dissertation revising so much easier if he will take a bottle of pumped milk . I don 't really know what the difference between the Level 1 and Level 2 nipples is , but whatever it is , Will knew . I guess it turned out that I had nipple confusion and not him . At any rate , it is a good thing that he will take a bottle again . I have lined up a part time day care for him so that I can do the stuff I need , such as revise my dissertation . I did a trial run on Friday - - just left him there for an hour . And I have to say that I hated it . Nothing against the day care itself or the people who work there . They seemed really nice and everything , it was just a really awful feeling to hand my baby over to somebody else and then walk out the door . When I came back an hour later , Will was still being held . They said he hadn 't cried at all . Which sounds about right . There were lots of people to hold him and walk about , so he hadn 't had a chance to get bored and fussy . My friends who have done this before assured me that it get easier . I hope so . One other thing . Will rolled over for the first time on Thursday evening ! I was really excited about this , because he is 5 months old now and all the baby books say he should have been doing it by 4 months . For a long time , he has been really , really close to rolling over . In fact , even just hours after he was born he would roll onto his side . In the past couple of weeks he 's been side rolling more and more frequently , and even doing a 3 / 4 roll a few times . Well on Thursday night , I had him down on the floor for " tummy time . " I got beside him and was holding a dragon toy that our little friend Annika gave him . He was looking at me and looking at that dragon and then all of a sudden he just flipped onto his back ! I was ecstatic . Before he even knew what happened I picked him up and was hugging and kissing him . He had this expression on his face like , what is all the fuss about ? Since then he has shown no interest in wanting to roll over again ! Today you are 5 months old . I can hardly believe it . The time has gone by so quickly . It seems like it was just yesterday that you were born . You were this tiny , furious , man - - squirming and crying in my arms . The moment I first saw you , it felt like I 'd known you for my whole life . It has been so hard , William . Nothing could have prepared me for how hard it would be . You poor sweet thing , you just cried and cried all the time . Your dad and I didn 't know why . All we wanted was for you to be happy . We just kept loving you with all our hearts and doing the best we could until one day you smiled and then one day you laughed and little by little you have been smiling and laughing more and crying less . We 're still working on that though . This was a day when kind of a lot of things went wrong . The first thing was a major diaper leakage that happened overnight . Will slept from about 8pm to 5am , which was great , but when he woke up crying early this morning , he was soaking wet . He was wearing a Bum Genius , which are these supposedly leakproof cloth diapers . I don 't know if my child is a super heavy wetter or what , but these diapers leak overnight for us about 75 % of the time . Even when I use an extra doubler . The back of his jammies was wet up to the shoulders , and the blankets he 'd been swaddled in were damp too . So by the time I 'd changed his diaper , cleaned him up , and changed his jammies , he was wide awake and very much riled up . He ate and I reswaddled him in clean blankets and he went back to sleep . The next thing I knew it was 8 : 30 and I was feeling pretty well - rested . Will was awake , squirming around and making little noises , and when I got him out of his pack and play , he was wet again ! After only 3 hours ! With a doubler in his Bum Genius ! I was soooooo aggravated . The poor dear was soaking this time - - his jammies , the 2 blankets I 'd swaddled him in , and even the sheet of his pack and play was wet . I resume my search for the perfect cloth diaper . The next thing that went wrong happened a couple of hours later , when I left to go grocery shopping and do some other errands . I got stuck in a snow drift at the end of our driveway . Now , I don 't want to piss anyone off , but our driveway may have been shoveled in a very half - ass fashion . Plus , after the snowplows went through , they left behind a big pile of snow at the end of the driveway . I naively didn 't consider these things as I left to go shopping , because I was more concerned about the very limited time frame I had to get everything done and get back before Will would want to eat again . So there I was , half in the drive , half in the street , and unable to go either forward or back . Rob and two neighborly guys had to push me out of the drift . I was mortified . Running errands took me twice as long as I 'd hoped , partially because everybody runs errands on Saturday mornings , and also because there is so much snow everywhere . When I finally got home , got everything put away , fed Will , and ate something , it was 3pm . And I still had to do an 8 - mile training run - - my first " long run " for marathon # 9 , the Illinois Marathon . It was like planning a military operation to get ready to do this thing . Not only did I have to get myself ready , but I also had to line up everything for Will . It was going to be the first time I would be running long enough that Rob would have to give him a bottle of pumped milk . I had decided to use some frozen milk that was left over from the stash I had stored for my dissertation defense . This was going to be a major first . The few times we 've ever given Will a bottle , it has been fresh milk . But I just didn 't have time to pump for this , so I decided we 'd dip into the frozen stash . I got everything ready - - had the milk thawing in the refrigerator , gave Rob written and verbal instructions , put on some mittens , and headed out the door . It was cold . Somewhere in the range of 2 degrees Fahrenheit with wind chills well below zero . In my haste to get ready , I had not dressed warmly enough . It was going to be a long 8 miles . As it turned out , I only made it about 6 . 5 . My hands were so cold and painful I started wondering if it was possible that I had gotten frostbite . In the end , I decided it would be better to call it quits at 6 . 5 and avoid sustaining any lasting damage to my body , rather than push myself to go farther and get really messed up . It was good that I came home when I did . Will had been crying the entire time I was gone , and he had flat - out refused the bottle of milk I had left for him . Rob said he would put the bottle in Will 's mouth , but he was crying so hard he wouldn 't suck and he wouldn 't drink . I felt terrible . There I 'd been , unconcerned about the time it was taking me to run because I knew that Will had milk to drink while I was gone . But he wouldn 't take it ! This is an entirely new thing . He 's never taken a pacifier or gotten the hang of sucking his thumb , but he 's always taken a bottle when we 've given it to him . When he was very tiny , I gave him pumped milk from a bottle all the time . The very first time we tried this , he seemed confused and frustrated , but once he realized that milk was coming out , he sucked ravenously . In the past 2 - 1 / 2 months or so , he has only had a bottle of pumped milk a couple of times . It 's like he 's forgotten how to drink from a bottle ? Or maybe it was something about the milk having been frozen ? Did it taste different or had it somehow gone bad ? Or maybe the nipple on the bottle isn 't the right size for him anymore ? I just don 't know . The whole thing is really disconcerting to me because I have finally arranged some part time day care for him so that I can work on my dissertation revisions . Now I am freaking out that if he won 't take a bottle , there is no way I will be able to leave him and work . Not to mention , it will be pretty difficult to train for and run a marathon if he won 't take a bottle . I 'm kind of hoping it was just a fluke , but I just don 't know . Aside from the several hours he apparently spent screaming today , Will was very sweet and cute . When I finally got home from my run and fed him , he held onto me like I was going out of style . I wonder what tonight is going to bring . Because he refused the bottle , he ended up eating fewer times today than normal . Maybe he 'll be really hungry and wake up frequently tonight , I don 't know . I guess I should go and try to get some rest while I can . They say that time heals all wounds , and although I have mainly forgotten the pain of labor , there are other things that I have not forgotten . I had a pretty severe case of nausea and vomiting throughout my whole pregnancy ( and even for a while afterwards ) . My midwife used the term " hyperemesis gravidarum " ( HG ) and she prescribed me anti - nausea medication that , in the end , only barely took the edge off . But I 'm not so sure that I would go as far as calling what I had HG . It was bad nausea and vomiting , but what I went through wasn 't nearly as bad as all - out HG . I 've read some stories written by women who have suffered HG , and what they write chills me to the bone . I think what I had falls somewhere between the lines of severe morning sickness and very mild HG . Regardless , it sucked . My sister had HG during her pregnancy . She was so sick , I don 't know how she got through it . She was pregnant when I was doing my dissertation fieldwork on Ometepe - - a fairly remote volcanic island in Lake Nicaragua . At that time , I could only relate to her experience through the motion - sickness induced nausea I felt whenever we took the boat to the mainland . I thought of her , and how awful it must be , throughout our epic trip to the mainland on a day that was windier than it had first seemed . The excursion involved a nearly 3 hour bus ride to the port city of Moyogalpa , an hour and a half boat ride across choppy Lake Nicaragua , a 15 minute taxi ride to Rivas ( where we got our supplies ) , and then doing the whole thing in reverse to get back home again . The boat ride back across the lake was brutal . I puked , I moaned , I clenched my fists , I survived only by intense meditation and the power of yoga breathing . I thought , it can 't be like this for my sister , can it ? No one could survive feeling like this all the time . Well , it was like that . I took medication that made the nausea just tolerable enough that I somewhat retained the will to live , but it did not make life enjoyable in the least . It didn 't go away right after Will was born eitDuring the latter half of my pregnancy , I had a dentist appointment . I was more than a little nervous about going , for fear I 'd puke on them while they were working on my teeth , but I was even more afraid to not go - - who knew what kind of awful state my teeth would be in from all that puking . As I entered the office and began to hesitantly explain my situation to the dental hygienist , I was surprised that she knew all about this condition . The receptionist at the practice had suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum during her pregnancy , and everyone in the office knew how horrible it could be . " You should talk to her , " the hygienist told me . " She was so sick . She lost 20 pounds and couldn 't work for months . Her daughter is 6 years old now , and she doesn 't ever want to have any more children . " I did talk to her on my way out , and I could see how haunted she still was . There are things you remember and things you forget . I am surprised that I 've already forgotten how bad labor was , despite the fact that while I was experiencing it , I considered it to be excruciating . I am nowhere near forgetting hyperemesis . And judging from the few women I 've talked to who have had HG , you never do . Rob ( who I think might still be traumatized from witnessing Will 's birth ) , was surprised when I told him I would rather go through birth again than experience hyperemesis . As SL 's wife pointed out , the pain of labor isn 't enough to make you not want to have more babies . I 'm pretty sure that hyperemesis is . If I ever forget about it , I think it will be a long time from now . At the moment , I haven 't even stopped having flashbacks . |
Moving as slowly and quietly as I could , I rolled out of bed 5 : 30 Saturday morning trying carefully not to wake my shift - worker husband . His easy breathing said I hadn 't interrupted him and hopefully he 'll sleep a little longer . We drove to our beach house late the night before , right after I got off work . He needed to catch up on his sleep and I needed to get to the beach as early as possible to catch the sunrise . I drove quickly and parked , but descended the beach stairs slowly . My arthritic knees ached more and more these days . Walking is painful and difficult as I tried to balance my ageing , overweight body in the soft sand . I can walk only half the beach and back now . So once done I found a dry log to sit on and wait for the sun to rise to entertain me . It 's hard for me to be here without my dog , Georgia . She loved it here as much as I do . The other dogs she used to play with are all here chasing balls their owners had thrown into the ocean . Some of the dogs ran up to me and gave me an early morning sniff . I watched pelicans in formation skim over the water while gulls screamed behind and tried to keep up . One of the diving birds dipped down beneath the dark green wave and emerged with its prize . Two gulls followed in chase hoping he 'd drop his catch . Splashing off in the distance caught my attention . I saw a couple of sea otters diving for their morning meal and putting on quite a show for us spectators . One already had his breakfast and was floating on his back cracking the shell on the rock he 's tucked under his loose tummy skin . The sound of the cracking shell echoed in this cove . They 're so cute and entertaining but the local the fishermen would disagree as they believe the otters are a nuisance . At the far end of the beach there were a few walkers coming toward me . They 're like me I thought to myself , the early morning beach lovers who share the pleasure of watching the birds and otters but are mostly here for the sun rise . To me a perfect day is being able to watch both the morning sunrise and the evening sunset . I began to get cold so I stood to move about and warm myself just as woman approached me . She stopped and stood less than two feet next to me , and faced the ocean , just as I was doing . After taking a slow deep breath and an exhale that I could almost feel , she spoke . She was trim and appeared to be about my age , but I 've never been good at guessing a person 's age . She was not what I think of as pretty , but she spoke with confidence and her smile was quite beautiful in spite of her being so cold . Her graying hair was cut in a short boyish style , but looked rather attractive on her . A weathered face added years to her appearance , but her eyes were so full of life as she tried to take everything in at once . She was dressed as if she just stepped out of a Land 's End catalog wearing baggy jeans , navy blue deck shoes , a cream colored turtle neck sweater and a Forrest green hooded jacket with brown corduroy trim and deep pockets . She kept her gloved hands in her pockets and spoke again . I gave her my limited knowledge of the beach , the sea otters , the gulls , the weather patterns and such . I told her a little about our ocean front house down the street and gave a short family history . My Italian family were fishermen and they had one of the very first canneries on Cannery Row , which is still standing today . She listened intently asking more questions as I went along with my story . Then I took my turn . " I 'm from Oregon , I work in the local Government . " She spoke almost with a whisper , as if her mind was somewhere else . " I attend a conference here every year , at The Asilomar . " We watched the sea otters dive and retrieve shell food from below . She asked more about how the otters feed and we agreed we 'd love to pet one . Then we laughed at what scavengers the gulls are , such a nuisance to the other birds . Then silence again as we watched the rise of the sun from behind us making our shadows longer . The waves closest to shore first lit up first but just at the white capped tips . Then slowly the entire wave came alive with blues and greens . Once the sun reached the beach the sand came alive with millions of sparkles from the crushed shells . Then the whole ocean took on new colors : light greens , medium blues , dark blues , and the glistening white foam . It was all so stunning , so breathtaking , that we stood in awe . I 'll never get used to this site , this could never be dull or boring to me and I exhaled the deep breath I 'd been holding . This is Heaven to me . I turned toward her and gave her my best morning smile , " Well . Happy Birthday to you ! You couldn 't have started your day in a better place . " " I know . " Her smile wide now as she took a step in front of me , put her arms around my shoulders , pulled me close , held me tight , and kissed me . Right on the lips ! Not a short kiss , not a peck between friends , but a long lingering , warm kiss . And although her arms were tight around me , she held me with such tenderness . I tried to take a step backward but I just froze instead . I couldn 't release myself from her grip . I didn 't feel fear , or danger , or anger even , just shock . Trying not to show any emotion , I pulled my face from hers and quickly replied , " Well , again , Happy Birthday . I hope you have a wonderful day and find time to enjoy the beach again real soon . " God , I 'm such a Dork . She just looked at me , her eyes danced and sparkled as she gazed into mine . " Thank you , I will . Perhaps we 'll meet again soon . " And with that she released me , turned and slowly made her way up to beach toward the conference center . What the hell was that all about ? I asked myself as all sorts of thoughts went through my head . Did I forget that I taught my kids to never talk to strangers ? It was 7 : 30 now , but I waited a good half hour before I returned to my car , still stunned by more than just the beauty of the early morning sun rise . Returning to the house I saw my husband in the front window enjoying both the ocean view and his morning coffee . He had his " I love to be here " sleepy - smile on his face and waved when he saw me . I climbed the steps to the front door and walked in . Is beauty really only skin deep or does it go all the way to the soul ? What is beauty and is it really in the eye of the beholder ? If someone beautiful is in the forest and no one is around to see them , are they still beautiful ? Is a forest beautiful if you can 't see it for all the trees ? Why are we so consumed with beauty ? Can I ask any more questions ? ? ? ? ? From the ages of 16 through 17 , I was being treated for a blood disorder . I was given massive doses of prednisone . I don 't know the exact dose , but at one point I was taking 35 little pills a day over the two year span . This drug has many side effects which can vary from person to person and none of them good . In my case I did get some facial puffiness but no hair loss . Instead long black hair grew on my arms , chest and face . I looked like an ape for a few months . " Gee , you 're ugly . " I looked at them and realized they were all staring at my face and not listening to the story . My feelings were so hurt and I was humiliated . The youngest boy , who was two , was petting the long black hair on my arm . The 4 year old quickly piped in : I burst into laughter as this reminded me of my cousins . He seldom sees me with makeup except this day when I was wearing face power that was a bit darker than my normal skin . So I told him I like to protect my face from the sun . That worked because he stopped looking at my face , shrugged it off and dove into the pool to retrieve a floating leaf . At least I didn 't have any long black arm hair for him to pet . Kids are honest and pure . The can see through ugly most of the time , but they are also literal and depending on their age there is no concept of hurting someone 's feelings . They just blurt out what 's on their mind and we , as adults , have to deal with it . Beauty bothers me more than it used to and probably due to me being 60ish and more concerned about my own beauty . Was I ever beautiful and if so , am I still ? And if not when did I lose my beauty ? But if I was never beautiful then it 's a moot point isn 't it ? My parents never told me I was beautiful and only one 14 year old boy told me , but we all know what he wanted . Right now I 'm going through my old , fat , ugly stage . But what cracks me up is that my husband is constantly telling me how beautiful I am . Jokingly , I usually turn around to see who he 's speaking to . Then I question his eye site . But I take a deep breath and think … wow … after 44 years I 'm still beautiful to him , and I 'm thankful for that . So I guess that 's all that counts . I must be that tree in the forest . You can 't see my beauty for all the other trees around . When I was 16 years old and in high school I was only allowed to go out Friday or Saturday night , but not both . However , if I was with my big brother , who was 2 years older , I could pretty much do as he did because my parents felt secure that he 'd watch over me . Knowing I would be safe with him all my dad would say was not to stay out late . Not knowing what late meant since my brother had no curfew , I assumed I could do as he did . But I never pushed it , it was 1965 and democracy did not live inside our house . At the time , I had rare blood disease , which had not yet been diagnosed . I bruised and bled very easily , so my family was used to seeing me in some sort of messy state . Plus being an only girl in a house with all boys , my parents ( mostly my father ) were very protective of me . One Friday night in my junior year , I wanted to tag along with my big brother and one of his friends . It was not uncommon for my friends and his to do things together . But this time he said I couldn 't . However , after much pleading , whining , and puppy dog looks , he gave in . What a softie . We drove around awhile , ending up in Berkeley , the hippie capital of the world for me . At the time we hadn 't really decided if we were hippies yet . ( Dad would never allow any part of that ) so we were " flower children " ( same thing , dad ) . We ended up at the Claremont Hotel , a very old , huge , fancy place , much like the Del Coronado in San Diego . It was built sometime in the 1920 's , I think . The hotel was set back in the Berkeley hills surrounded by a very upscale neighborhood . It was dark when we arrived , and my brother parked on a side street behind the hotel . As we crept through a backside parking lot , he urged both of us to be very , very quiet . At the end of the lot we came to the rear of the building and looked up at the tall Grand Dame . I remember the Claremont being a beautiful sight all lit up . We paused when we saw windows open from a basement area which turned out to be the hotel 's kitchen . One of the kitchen workers was standing outside leaning on an open door , smoking . We waited in the shadows until he went back inside . My brother ignored my question and instead told me to stay right where I was , that he and his friend would be back in a minute . I stood there and watched them for a while until they were almost out of sight . I wore a black turtleneck sweater , a navy and green plaid a - line skirt that came to just above the knee , white socks and black tennis shoes . My hippy hair , still damp from my shower , hung long and straight down my back to my waist . I was a little nervous and began to feel cold . He was kidding himself if he thought I 'd stay put alone in the dark behind this huge property . So when they turned a corner at one edge of the building and were out of sight , I followed . As I turned the corner , I realized I 'd have to crawl on my stomach in order to get past the ground - level kitchen windows to avoid being seen by the dishwashers who were facing these windows . This must have been the way they went so I got down and scooted on my stomach just like a soldier in combat , past the windows , hearing all the kitchen noises , praying I wouldn 't get caught out there alone . Once I passed the windows , I had to turn another corner . When I did , I saw my brother 's friend go into a cylinder - shaped metal tube that ran up the side of the building to the top seventh floor . There was a shorter tube next to it which ran up the other side five stories high . My brother and his friend were inside the tallest one and I could hear them whispering something to each other . When I reached the opening , I heard their muffled voices guiding each other as they climbed . I stepped inside , my face smacking into what appeared to be a metal wall . I couldn 't tell because it was so dark . Using my hands on the sides of the tunnel and my tennis shoes for a good grip on the far side , I started to climb backward , scooting upward while listening to their instructions to each other . I realized I was climbing up in a circle . I paused at each floor level where there was an old barricaded door and a ledge just big enough to sit on . " Did you hear that noise ? " my brother asked his friend . I stopped and stayed quiet although my heart was pounding and I was breathing very hard . This was a difficult task I 've attempted . When they agreed there was no noise , they continued their climb . Then I heard my brother whisper that he 'd reached the seventh floor and his friend said he was right behind . I realized that this was the hotel 's old fire escape , and they were going to slide down , and probably right on top of me ! " Turn around slowly , sit on the ledge at the entrance to the floor you 're on . Lift your feet and take your hands off the sides . But DO NOT let your tennis shoes touch the slide . " He was still whispering but I could tell he was very upset with me . But I didn 't hear his last remark , someone on the fifth floor heard our whispers and were questioning where the voices were coming from . So I let go of the sides . I didn 't lift my feet as instructed , and my tennis shoes stuck to the metal . I tumbled head over foot down five stories in a dark , dirty and extremely rusty cylinder . I rolled helplessly , floor after floor . The whole slide shook from the building , and the rumbling was as horrific inside the hotel as inside the slide . It was the loudest thunder I 'd ever heard . And it felt as though the cylinder would pull away from the building and come crashing down , bringing all three of us with it . Since they were already at the seventh floor entrance to the old slide they rode down , and I could hear the rush of air coming from inside the tube : Whoosh . . Whoosh . . Whoosh . . , and their speed was picking up faster and faster . At the bottom , they flew out like rockets and landed in the gravel just past where I lay , except they landed on their butts , not their faces . Holy Mole ! I 'd just fallen down five stories of the Claremont Hotel 's antique fire escape , and lived ! ! Now my parents were going to kill me . I slowly began to pull myself together but my foot hurt and I couldn 't stand . When I looked at my feet , both shoes were gone . So were my favorite plaid a - line skirt , my black turtle neck , and one sock . I wore only my slip , and the other sock , and I was covered with rust and blood from head to toe . I was a red mess . My brother 's friend gave me his jacket as they looked at me with horror on their faces . But I didn 't come out . I went into the bathroom , stressed , scared , hurt , bleeding , and rusty and looked in horror at myself in the mirror . My nose was bleeding , my cheek was bruised , my hands and knees were scraped and my hair was caked with everything red . I showered quickly , slipped into bed and fell sound asleep in seconds . I got up early the next morning and tried to make myself look presentable . The bruise on my cheek I covered up with makeup . Scratches and bruises were everywhere else on my body , so I wore long sleeves and jeans . I gingerly walked to the table for breakfast , every part of me screaming in pain . At least nothing was broken , just bruised , and amazingly I was alive . Smiling , as was her normal way , Mom asked me if I had fun with my brother since we 'd come in much earlier than she 'd expected . Sometimes I felt as though I were a single parent . My husband worked shift work and rarely had weekends or holidays off . And if he was on swing shift he was gone to work before the kids were home from school and back when they were in bed . We had 2 sons so all activities were up to me to manage . This also meant I had to be in two places and one time , not to mention keeping those eyes open in the back of my head at all times . Our youngest was three when I signed him and his five year old brother to play soccer . He was almost as tall as his big brother and just as husky . So they played on the same team for one season . Although he was as big for his age he was not as physically developed as a five year old . In fact , he was quite clumsy and had trouble looking where he was going . We used to call him the walking disaster as his feet went in one direction while his brain was elsewhere . But this team did well for all the boys and we all had fun watching our little athletes . What I loved the most was the constant mob scene of kicking feet that surrounded the ball . There was dust flying , kids falling and being kicked , chips of grass being tossed and none of them willing to work as a team . No one knew their position or how to pass to each other . I found my first experience in group sports to be cute and funny . If I only knew … The game ended and all the boys came running over to see the beautiful cake . As they gathered around it my three year old , who had played goalie , was the last one over and was yelling to wait for him to see the cake , too . As the boys parted out of his way , he just kept on running , right through one side of the cake and out the other . Everyone just stood there stunned , especially the team mother who screamed as if in pain . He stood there shin deep in chocolate cake and purple frosting , and some of the boys started to cry and other parents moaned . Except one whose laughter I knew all too well , it was my five year old who boldly said : " Boy , whose bright idea was it to put the cake on the lawn ? " I did my best to help salvage what was left of the cake . Besides , in our house we had a " Five Minute " rule : if food was on the floor under 5 minutes , they could eat it . Besides , they were boys , it was cake , and they all ate what they could . The following year , he was moved up to the A team who were undefeated . Some of the boys and their parents were cocky about it . My son , who was six at the time , held the goalie position but he seldom had anything to do . Most of the games were played at the opponent 's goal net , seldom ours . All these six and seven year olds were big for their ages and knew how to work as a team . This one hot summer day our team was scoring undefeated as usual , but my son son was bored stiff . I watched him as he looked up at the net and I could hear the wheels in that tiny brain moving . He was wondering how high up he could climb . And , so he began his ascent . He climbed up the net to the top where the bar was , but then he got tangled and couldn 't get down . No one was watching him except me . You 're supposed to watch your kid play and that 's just what I was doing . He looked like a bug in a spider 's web trying to escape before the spider returned to feast . " Where 's the goalie ? " I heard someone cry out . And , there he was , tangled at the top of the net , hanging upside down , by his foot , still trying to get untangled . Everyone was screaming at him to get down . The parents were screaming at their boys to get the ball back , the coach was screaming at him to stop fooling around , and in all the confusion and noise , the other team scored their first goal against our team . The first goal all season . And I sat there and laughed . How cute was that ? Being bored he found something to occupy his time . Better than peeing in the grass at this age like his older brother did while being bored in the baseball outfield , I thought . Well , it was a long time before his team got over it , especially the parents , but it was not World Cup Soccer , it was little boys playing a game . The adults needed to calm down and enjoy their children . Plus , this was not nearly half as bad as when tried baseball the following year . I knew nothing about being the catcher but as the older one went over to the bench I helped him get into the gear . There were knee pads to be attached , a chest pad to be adjusted , and then fit for him , a special face mask that went under the catcher 's mask , and then there was the rounded mitt that almost was too heavy for him to lift his arm . Everything was way too big for him , but I thought it nice that they were so concerned about the little boys ' faces to give them two masks to wear . So , under his helmet I put the little , green , oval - shaped mask that had breathing holes in it to cover his mouth and nose , then helped him into the larger mask that pulled down over his face . " What are you doing ? " he glared at me with disdain and shoved the kid over to his position . Being blond , when he turned red it was more like fire engine red that glowed through the face mask and shined like a beacon . I went over to the bench and sat by my older son . I had put a crotch protector cup on my son 's face because I thought it was extra protection for little faces . How was I to know that extra protection was for a different place ? My brothers were and I were on the track team , no gear needed . What is happening to our language ? Who is now changing the rules on our dialogue and why must people start a sentence with " I mean " ? What exactly does " I mean " mean ? What purpose does it serve ? The sentence following I Mean almost never has anything to do with what anyone is meaning to say . It 's just a way to start a sentence . Why ? Speaking poorly has always been around , so has slang but this new fad is one of the dumbest ever . It 's becoming more and more prominent among people of all walks of life and , to me , it 's really aggravating . If someone 's about to explain to me what they mean , I don 't need a heads up . I can figure that out , on my own , once they 've opened their mouth and started talking . She : " So many more people showed up unexpected . I didn 't have enough food or drink so I was scrambling to make more . And they stayed late and left a huge mess for me to clean up . " I say them all the time , but usually in mocking , or with sarcasm . I 'd never talk to a peer or even a stranger using poor grammar . I would talk like this to my grandchildren if I wanted them to think Nana is cool , which I don 't because I 'm not . Not only do I not know where shoes , or other items that aren 't mine , are " at " , but I don 't care . I usually put my things back in their place so I know where to find them " at " when I need them . At ! The Asiana plane crash in San Francisco was horrible was event . But it certainly could have been much worse . What did make it worse for me , was that our local news team couldn 't pronounce Asiana ( long A ) properly . And this one particular woman is Asian ! She kept calling the airline Ahh - she - ahh - nah . I wonder , does this knowledgeable news caster know that the continent is pronounced Asia ( long A ) and not Ahh - sha , has she been there recently ? The airlines call themselves Asiana , they 're Asian , and they get it . But this entire news team , for whatever reason , decided to miss - pronounce the company name , which has been named for the continent they fly to . How do I know this ? I went to school . Plus I 'm a retired travel agent . Not only have I been to Asia ( with a long A ) but I used to sell it as a destination . I 've also sold tickets on Asiana Airlines ( again , long A ) . Plus our office had regular visits from the airline rep , who also pronounced her company as Asiana , with a long A . O . M . G . ! I just realized something : I 'm old , that 's it ! I 'm old and I can 't stand the new way of being cool . I used to be cool when I was a hippie . What happened ? I was " rad " , I " cruised creek " , I " sucked face " and more … Seriously ? I mean … . I used to sneak out at night ; roll my skirt way above my knees ; hang out with boys . . I KNOW … . right ? |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . |
Storytelling Hope For The Desolate July 26 , 2015 ~ kotakai ~ Leave a comment " Hope For The Desolate " is an original story that I wrote and published a while back . Up until now , it has only been available for Amazon Kindle . Now , it is free ! I don 't know how I got here . This place , though apparently devoid of any intelligent life beside myself , thrives with life . It feels strange , distorted . Birds sing and the wind whistles in the trees , but to my heart , the world is lackluster , spiritless . I know I have been here for a while , but I don 't know how I got here . I live a simple life in this strange world . I hunt in the waters , in the woods . I know how to cook my food , though I can 't remember ever learning to do so . Though I murder their kin for nourishment , the animals around me seem not to fear me , as if they know each death was necessary . There are times that we hunt for each other . I leave what I do not eat for the animals to take back , and I will in turn find an easy meal , half eaten in a clearing . The fish do not take kindly to me and quickly swim away . I suspect in some ways the fish are smarter than the forest animals , if only in instinct . Deep inside me is an urge to keep moving . I do not know in which direction to go , but it feels right when the sun rises on my left , so that is the direction I travel . I do not know if I am moving away from something or if something pulls me , but I know I cannot resist it , as it is distressing to do so . Sometimes , when the stars are out and I lie down on a mossy bed to rest , images go through my mind . Sometimes they are frightening things , things that wake me and cut my rest short . Other times , my visions are of a better place , a place with others like me , and they leave me wanting to rest longer . Some nights , it is as if I blink and the sun is rising again . Though I can discern no apparent purpose to my life , I nevertheless move onward . I may reach the end of my journey to discover that my people die with me , but I have hope in my heart that this is not the case . I believe that there is something that I am to know , but I do not know when I will find it . Though my journey is not an easy one , and I do things that I wish not to , I move down my path , if not for new sights and new stones to step on , then or the hope that my life has a purpose beyond what I understand . It has been long since my memory began . Many years have passed , but it is very clear , the first day that I remember . I awoke in a small stick and leaf structure . It was built with precision and determination . The frame was strong and the leaves did well at keeping the wind and the rain out . I had a bed made of moss that had dried out from lack of rain , but it remained supple and was comfortable to sleep on . Though I do not know if I built the shelter I slept in , it was clear I had been there for some time , as the moss I slept on was used to my grown body . A small fire pit was constructed not too far from my shelter , which was at the base of a very large tree , too tall to see the top . I remained in this area for a short time , not one moon cycle . I discovered my connection with the animals , and discovered I was an adept hunter , although I find it distasteful . I learned that I could move quickly over the rough terrain of the forest , and I could swim well enough to fish with my hands . I can create a fire with many things , and can usually do so even when it is raining . I don 't know what I look like , aside from what I have seen in the distorted images from running water . I have no memory of others like me , only the dreams I have a night , which may or may not be based in life . I have no memory of a name , not that it matters . There is no point in having a name with no one to use it . The only creatures I have are the animals of the forest , which do not need a name for me . After spending a month rediscovering my abilities , I began to discover something within me . An ache began to grow in me . I felt restless , unsettled . I started to realize that I must move , though I did not know why . I left my shelter and my fire pit and began a journey toward something that I did not know . The animals appeared to follow me , perhaps migrating . Soon , however , they outpaced me , and the animals I saw each day were new , and every night they disappeared . Soon , I discovered a cave . Curious , I delved into it . The entrance looked dangerous , as there were bones of small animals strewn across the dark stone . Deeper , however , drawings became apparent on the walls . They appeared to tell a story as I went deeper into the cave . The story intrigued me , and I spent a long time trying to learn what these people found important enough to record it , hoping that someday someone would read it . I went back to the entrance of the cave and gathered supplies to build fires , so I may see in the dark . I also gathered berries and other fruits that I knew lasted a while , as I did not know how long the story would be and I wanted to know the entirety of it . Once I was stocked up , I ventured into the cave . The story began with three women . One had long hair that reached her waist , another had short hair that did not pass her shoulders , and the third had hair that was colored differently than the others , hers was red while the others had black . The drawings depicted the creation of the world . The longhaired woman created the life of the world , which used to be barren . Trees and bushes and other plants grew . Then she created the animals , which kept nature in check . Finally she created man . Many men and women populated the world , and their job was to thrive and keep nature in check , while providing it room to grow . The shorthaired woman introduced ambition in humans . They strived to be better . They began to learn and spread knowledge . They questioned their surroundings and posed answers . Man became the wisest creatures . They aspired to understand all around them , and they began to search for new things to study . The red haired woman instilled into every human a desire to create . This expressed itself in many ways . Some sculpted clay while others crafted better structures . Soon , music was discovered and cultivated . Soon , men and women had a culture , one to which they all contributed to . The three women were consumed in their creations , so that every person had a part of their creators in them . At this point I got very tired . It felt as though I had been awake for days , slowly working my way through the many pictures on the wall . I had gotten very deep into the cave , and I could not see the entrance anymore . I ate a small meal . I realized I had no water , but soon discovered a small nearby stream . I quenched my thirst , and put out my fire . Deep in the cave there was no moss to sleep on , so I had to make do with the rocks . I dreamt of the tale I just read . It came alive in my mind in vivid detail . I awoke to aches from the rocks , but they went away after moving around a little bit . I lit another fire with some fur and bones , and instead of going right back to the drawings , I explored around the cave a bit . I left food and only took a few extra fire supplies , as I planned on coming back . I went down a side tunnel . The small stream I drank from last night crept down the middle of the just large enough tunnel . I could stand tall if I wanted , although that tired me , so I rolled my shoulders forward and carried onward . The tunnel was fairly straight , but it was long . The ground around the stream was smooth , as if the stream used to be much larger , or as if many people tread this path . Soon , the ground started to go down into the Earth . The stream flowed faster and I could no longer see all the way back to the drawings . The ground became slick , as the stream slowly spread out to cover the whole floor . Suddenly , I slipped and fell . I landed on my back , the wind knocked out of me . Before I could get up , I began to slide down the tunnel . I quickly gained speed as I slid down into the Earth . It felt like I was sliding for a long time . The ground was very smooth , so I did not feel much discomfort in sliding . I began to think about how I did not have any of my supplies with me , and I had no way to climb back up this tunnel . The end of the tunnel came , and there was a small drop into a deep pool of water . It was freezing , and it made my heart beat very quickly . I swam to the surface , and then a short way to a bank . The edge was of rock . I pulled myself from the icy water and away from the pool . I crawled a few feet away . I found it difficult to open my eyes , as the muscles in my face were tight . The ground turned from rock into sand , which was fine grained . I lay on my back for many moments , trying to catch my breath . When I could open my eyes , what I saw made my heart beat quickly again . I thought I was outside . I could see what appeared to be stars , but they were not in the same pattern that I was accustomed to . Nevertheless , they lit up the area around me , almost as well as a very full moon , although one was not present . Small trees and bushes were close . I stripped off my wet fur clothes and let them dry on the sand as I ventured into the wooded area . I gathered dry wood and small twigs . I went back to where I left my garments and dug a small fire pit in the sand . I soon had a small fire going . My clothes were dry enough to wear , but I remained naked because I enjoyed the freedom that it gave me . I sat near the fire for a while , warming up . I thought about what I was going to do for food . I was accustomed to long periods of minimal food , but I do not know how long I have been down here , and I need to keep my strength up if I am to get back out of this cave . I heard rustling in the wood and immediately became defensive . I grabbed a large stick that I had for the fire and started toward the bushes . They rustled again . I held the stick at my side , aimed in front of me . The bushes rustled a third time and a small animal burst forth . I stabbed it quickly and firmly with my stick . It slid into its chest , piercing its heart . Skewered , the animal fought for a moment , then relaxed . It was dead . I stoked the fire and put on more wood , and began to skin the animal with my hands . When it was all skinned and I tore out the foul insides , I placed it over the fire and let it cook . The animal was not one I was familiar with . It was larger than my head , though , so it would be more than enough food . The animal took awhile to cook , so I walked around a little bit . I realized I was in a cave , but I did not know how the top glowed like stars . It was beautiful . The cave was very large . Not too far from where my food was cooking , I discovered another tunnel that lead from the cave . I counted my steps back to the fire , as I plan on leaving through this tunnel . I got back to find that the meat was cooked a little too much , but it was still good when I ate it . It had a unique taste , one that I had not come close to tasting before . It tasted vaguely familiar though , as if it were flavor from a dream I had once . When I finished eating , I went to the cold water and drank . I returned to the fire . I dug a hole with a stick and relieved myself , covering it when I finished . I redressed in my nicely dried clothes , covered the fire , and began back to the tunnel that will hopefully lead me back to the drawings in the cave . The path in this tunnel was much different from the other . My torch , made from the inedible pieces of my last meal , illuminates far ahead of me , but the path is so jagged , I my feet catch frequently . I stumble a few times , almost putting out my fire in the process . I carry on , albeit slowly , down a path that I may very well die on . I hear some squeaking , and it makes me jump . I thought I was alone , but no , a large mouse , about the size of my palm , runs along the side of the path , against the wall . I stopped , watching the mouse , which caused the mouse to stop to . It looked emaciated , as if it had been a very long time since it had anything to eat . I did not have any meat left , but I did have some that remained stuck in my teeth . It was not much , but it was a good size for such small creature . It was hesitant at first , but quickly took what I had to offer . When finished , it looked back at me , as if asking for more . I shrugged my shoulders , and began walking . The mouse squeaked again , and ran up my leg , up my back , and came to a rest on my shoulder . Apparently he believed that I was now its best way to get another meal . He did not weigh me down , nor did he try to attack me , so I let him be . Perhaps I can save a life from this darkness . With an unlikely friend in tow , I continued on my path . After a long while of walking , the tunnel split into three different paths . From one , a faint red glow was barely visible . I did not know what caused it , but it gave me a very uneasy feeling , so I turned away from it . The remaining two paths were nearly identical , though one had a slightly cold draft . Hoping that the draft meant a way out , I took the far right tunnel . My mouse friend shook , and moved closer to my neck . A few minutes later , the air was much colder and the room became slightly brighter . Ahead of me , I saw something that was very peculiar to see inside of a cave . There was a crack in the wall , and three things came through it . The first was starlight . The second was cold , fresh air , and with that cold , fresh air came something that I did not immediately recognize . When I got closer , my mouse friend jumped off of my shoulder , and ran back down the tunnel , clearly favoring the warmth . I approached the crack and held my hand out . When I touched the floating pieces in the air , they turned to water on my hand . It was at this point that I remembered what this was . It was snowing in a tunnel . Flashes of a young child running through fallen snow ran through my mind . I remembered what winter was , and the cold that came with it . I felt that death was a companion of winter , but it made me think of when I awoke to the flowers in the forest near that strong structure . I remembered all of the seasons , and I became aware of the passage of a year . I was excited that I was so close to the surface , and hopefully , to an exit . I was very tired now , but I wanted to move away from the crack , so I continued down the tunnel . I reached another cavern , though this one was not nearly as large as the first , and this one was barren . It was warmer here , so I put out my torch , and went to sleep . I dreamed of winter and of people in mud huts with small ember fires that provided heat . In one of them , there was a man teaching a child how to make a water pouch from the hide of an animal . I watched , as if sitting next to the child , and learned as well . When I woke up , I used what remained from the small animal I ate , and made myself a pouch , though it was not as strong as the one the man made . The cavern I was in clearly had one exit , and after I built a torch with the last of my supplies , I set off into what I hoped was the way out of this maze . I was sad that I did not get to see any more of the drawings in the cave , but I do not regret my journey . Had I never walked too far down that wet tunnel I 'd have never seen starlight inside . I believe that the path I chose was a good one , as I am still walking and I got a little nourishment . I began to notice that I felt thin . Like I 've lived much longer than I should have on the little food I ate . The tunnel made a turn , and I could see sunlight again . Far ahead , at the end of the fairly straight tunnel , was an opening . I became very excited , but I did not rush , as I was feeling slightly faint . It felt like a very long time passed as I walked the final stretch of the maze I was in . I began to feel a cool breeze , though not as cool as the one I felt through the crack . The feel of fresh air in my lungs was enough to push me through to the very end . Slowly , my eyes became more and more accustomed to the brighter light . When I finally reached the end , I took a long deep breath and looked around . My eyes hurt from the bright light , but I was still able to see . I came out in a different forest , one of strange trees . Snow lined the ground , and the snow in the trees was slowly dripping off . Winter was ending . It did not feel like I had been in the cave for long , but I apparently missed most of winter . I anticipate cold temperatures , but I felt that the snow was , for the most part , finished . I tossed my torch into the snow , and began looking for something I could use as a weapon . I found a rock that fit nicely in my hand and had a sharp , jagged edge that would be effective . I put a little snow on my fur clothes , so as to blend in more , and began scanning the area for tracks I could follow . I did not get very far until I found quite a few tracks , of different animals , each going in various directions . I picked a medium sized track , and followed it . The sun peaked in the sky and began to slowly start down again . I decided to give up on this track , as the animal must be long gone now . I looked around me to find another one , when I saw a small deer alone on the other side of a bush . I froze , and got low to the ground . I got as close as I could and launched myself from the ground . I swung the rock with all my might , but missed the head . I hit the fawn 's neck . As soon as I struck it , it began to run away . From behind me , a young and beautifully stark white wolf leapt over my head from the rock behind me . It snarled , and landed on the young deer , sinking its teeth into the neck . With a quick and powerful jerk from the wolf , the deer crumpled in its spot . I squat back down quickly , not knowing if more were around . The young wolf immediately began feasting on what should have been my dinner . I sat for a moment , watching the lone wolf eat . I realized that there were no other wolves around , which struck me as strange . Perhaps something happened , and this youngling was kicked out of the pack . The wolf looked up , and saw me . Instead of growling , however , he took his nose and pushed the deer slightly towards me , inviting me to join . Hesitant , I sat still for a moment . The wolf walked towards me , head held high , sniffing . When he got close , he growled at me , directly at me , and turned back to the deer . I remained , still scared , until the wolf looked back at me . I did not know if he was coaxing me from my spot to kill me in the open , or if he understood that I was alone too , and knew what it was like . I slowly stood up , and walked over to the carcass . I knew I could not eat raw flesh , as I had been sick from that before , so I dipped my head to the wolf in thanks , and began walking around in search of firewood . I quickly found some dry wood beneath a large out cropping rock . I gathered what I could , and returned to the carcass . The wolf sat , guarding it . When I approached , he moved over slightly , letting me know that I was still welcome . I dug a pit and made a fire . I expected the wolf to become frightened by the flame , but actually moved close to it , as if to warm up . It struck me as odd , but I carried on nonetheless . With my hands , I tore what I could from the dead dear , thankful that I was finally going to eat . I grabbed a flat rock I found nearby and set it in the fire . I waited a moment , to let it get slightly warmer , and then laid the meat on top . I looked at the wolf , which was now lying on the ground next to the fire , looking at me . I dipped my head again , and the wolf did the same . How this wolf was accustomed to the presence of a human , I did not know . I walked away to where I found the sticks , where it was dry , and relieved myself . I gathered more wood , and returned to the fire . The meat still needed just a little bit longer on the fire , which was getting a little low . I put a few more pieces of wood on , and moved it around a little , careful not to get ash on the meat . The wolf still lay next to the fire . He sniffs the air , liking the smell of the cooking meat . I sat down on a patch of fur from the deer to keep off of the snow . I thought about how so many living things have had to die to ensure my survival . I realized that if my life means nothing , they would all have died in vain . I did not like that thought . Once the meat was done , I took it from a fire with a stick and laid it on a cool rock . I let it sit for a moment to cool it down from burning , and then I ate . It was a very familiar taste to me . It tasted slightly bitter , as it was a very lean deer , but it still had the rich and earthy flavor that I favored . I tossed some toward the wolf , and he ate it very quickly . I wonder if he prefers raw meat or cooked . Now that I had eaten , I was ready to sleep . I put the last of the wood on the fire , and gathered myself under the now dry skin of the deer . Although I found it repulsive , it was warm , and that was what mattered . I lay down in the small clearing made from the fire , but I was sure to keep my distance . I knew what it felt like to wake up in flames . I expected the wolf to leave now , as it was dark , but he slumped down at the end of my feet . For so long I had always been without any thing that showed an interest in remaining with me , so it was strange , but it felt very good to have something spend the night with me . I slept deep and did not dream that night . The following weeks held nothing eventful , though it could be argued that everything in life was eventful . My white furred friend and I continued along the path that held the rising sun to our left . I often dreamt at night , with my friend lying beside me . In these dreams , I continued to remember things that I must have learned as a child . I remembered how to build a bow , which I then built , along with arrows . I remembered how to build strong huts from weak branches , like the one I woke up in many months ago . My friend and I traveled a great distance . We left the forest at the base of the great mountain , in which I spent much of winter . We crossed a massive prairie with few trees , and much grass . Winter slowly left . Every day the temperature seemed slightly higher , and the sun seemed slightly hotter . Occasionally , there were days that it got very cold again , but it never snowed . The longer we traveled , the further it seemed we got from winter . After the prairie , there was another forest , but of different trees . If I looked back , I could still see the mountain , but another , apparently smaller , one was coming into view on the horizon . This new forest we were in was much denser than the previous one I was in . The trees seemed wider , and their leaves were larger as well . Similar animals inhabited it , however . My friend and I worked together for every meal , and every meal our bond seemed to grow stronger . About a week of walking through this forest , always having to twist and turn to avoid steep cliffs , we stumbled across a truly beautiful sight . There was a large opening , with a lake that filled much of the space . Fine , short grass grew along the large body of water , and spread out around it , like a buffer from the trees . No tree grew inside of this clearing , though there were some large bushes . Now that we were out of the covering of the dense forest , I could see the magnificence of the mountain . Just past the clearing , which rested below us , there was a little bit more of the forest , and then there was a massive , snowcapped mountain . It seemed some sort of providence brought us here at this time , as the setting sun was just beginning to creep behind the mountain . The sky slowly began to fill with beautiful combinations of reds and oranges . After some struggle getting down to the clearing , we walked up to the lake , and sat down for a moment . I lie on my back and watch the sky change colors . The orange faded to a red , which turned into a dark pink . Soon , purples and dark blues replaced them . It was truly an awesome sight , one that I wished to see every day for the rest of my life . I fell asleep in that position , my companion beside me , and the sound of the lake soothing me into a deep sleep . I woke up in the morning feeling rejuvenated . In the night , my heart appeared to make a decision ; I was going to stay here . I set to work immediately . I began to gather branches that I knew to be suitable to build a house : large ones that I could tie off properly . I found perfect ones in the woods . I worked all day on forging my home . I finished the frame , three walls and a roof , before the sun reached the top of the sky . I called for my friend , grabbed my bow , and we set out to hunt . Today , we caught a few rabbits . I realized that I would have to dig up an area in the grass to be able to build a fire , as I did not want to burn up the entire clearing . I used one of the left over branches from my humble frame , and dug a sizeable pit close to where I built my house . I broke down the branch , and built a fire . After we had eaten , I set out to gather many leaves to make my house rainproof . It was dark when I gathered enough leaves , so I set my last load inside of my house , and went to sleep near the nearly extinguished embers . In the morning , I woke up with the sun and got to work . I spent the morning crafting a layered pattern of the large leaves , which were larger than my torso . I bound them with some grass twine I made , and then bound them to the roof . I had it slanted so that rain ran off the sidewall and not the front . I constructed similar blankets of leaves for the sides of the house . At the edge of the forest , I found some tall vines that stretched up some of the trees . I gathered as many as I could , and some rocks as well , and crafted a fourth wall for my house . This one , I could pass through however . I tied one end of the vines to the roof , and the other to the rocks . It created a paneled wall that I could move with ease . It was relieving to have a roof over my head . I remained in this clearing for many years . My friend and I continued to work together and we came to trust each other implicitly . I created a bed out of the leaves , and although I had to change is periodically , it made for a comfortable nights sleep . I spent the days learning every inch of the forest . The animals here became accustomed to me , though they never trusted me like the ones I remember when I woke up so long ago . Over the years , all of my memories came back to be . I crafted a fishing rod that I used to fish in the lake , and I also remembered how to build a boat , which I occasionally used to fish at the middle of the lake . In my dreams , I learned of the herbs in the forest , and I learned how to help the animals that lived around me . In my dreams , which I came to realize were the memories of my childhood coming back to me , I learned of the people that I came from . I was born in the forest , but I know that my people used to live underground . They were fleeing a war that seemed to rage on for decades . I remember my mother telling me that her parents brought her underground when she was a little girl . She was young , but she could remember what the world was like . Man had created hideous weapons to kill the people around them . Her own people killed her sister . While hate decimated the world , my grandparents and my mother fled to nearby caves . They expected to die soon , but were just glad to be away from war . A group of people had already fled to the caves , however , and had an established society . They were completely invisible to the warring world . My mother grew up in a tribal society , totally away from the technologies she had known in her youth . She learned how to hunt and forage . She learned how to build anything the tribe might need . Then , when she had me , she passed all of it onto me . I grew up like the other children around me , though there were only a few of us . I learned everything I needed to know to help support the tribe . I never felt satisfied though . I remember talking to the older people in the tribe . I asked about the world outside of the forest , the world that warred . I was curious to see why no one ever came for us , or even stumbled upon us . The elders in the tribe spoke of machines that flew in the sky , but I remember that all I saw when I looked up was the sun and the birds . I wanted to see one of these machines for myself . Over the years , I learned as much as I possibly could from everyone in the tribe , but still it was not enough . The last night of frost , I told my mother that I was leaving . I expected her to be upset and tell me to stay , but she only looked down and breathed deep . She did not fight me , though at her age , she would not have succeeded if she did . She told me to go south , to keep the rising sun always to my left , and I would find what I was looking for . I did not ask how she knew this . I wished her well , and left with just the clothes on my back . I knew if I took anything from the tribe , it would cause difficulties , and I did not want that . I said nothing to anyone else in the tribe , and slipped away before the moon began to drop . I do not know why my memory failed me when I left the tribe . I spent the next day going as far as I could . I do not remember that night , though , even now . The very next morning was the morning I woke up without my memory . I do not know how the hut was built , and I do not know where my memory went , but it does not bother me any longer . I am much older , and my friend is as well . I know every inch of this forest , and I know all of the plants and animals that lie within it . The only place I have not ventured is south , as I did not want to be tempted out of my humble clearing . I did not want to leave my home . Something feels different these days , however , a strange feeling has come to rest on me . When it came , it reminded me of that feeling that pushed me to travel in the first place . I know I will leave soon , though I do not want to . The day that I left my home was a hard one . The sun rose just like every other day before . The tip of the beautiful snowcapped mountain was illuminated first . The sunlight slowly crept down the mountain . When it reached the clearing , everything lit up . The still lake glistened , and the birds began to sing . It was , by all accounts , a glorious day . I did not feel like fishing or hunting today , so I elected to eat some of my fruits I had . In a woven basket , in the corner of my house , brilliant fruits of many colors were resting . I went through fruit often enough that none of it went bad . I chose to eat reds and blues today . I bit into a palm sized blue fruit , and a sweet juice filled my mouth . It was savory and filling . I decided that today I was going to see the other side of the south ridge . I whistled loud , calling my best friend . A sharp howl replied . I already started walking towards the southern edge when a familiar white streak shot from the tree line to my right . My friend , a beautiful , stark white wolf , was now running across the clearing and around the lake to come walk by my side . I gave him a scratch behind his ears , and we walked up to the southern tree line . The southern side was much taller than the other sides , almost giving an illusion of a smaller mountain in the shadow of the larger one . The sun was high in the sky , but the sunlight was filtered through the newly bloomed trees , creating a dappled pattern on the ground . I could no longer see through the trees back to my camp , and I could still not see the top of the wooded ridge . My companion looked anxious , his tail was stiff and his hair was raised . He must be nervous about going into a different part of the forest with me . Before I could figure out what was going on , nearby bushes rustled , my friend began to snarl , then jumped into the bushes . In a frenzy , I saw my companion , my guardian , fly from the bushes and jump right back in . I heard a noise that I had not heard in this forest . With a great yell , a brown bear , easily twice my size , stood up from the bush and came back down onto my friend , wrapping her massive mouth around his midsection . My friend struggled for a moment , fighting fiercely to free himself from the mouth of the beast , but with a firm jerk of the bear 's head , my only friend fell limp . The bear , still on her feet , let the wolf hang in her mouth , looking at me . She looked younger . This is the first bear I had seen in these woods , so perhaps she came from afar , trying to establish a hunting ground of her own , away from the ground of her mother . Before winter , there were no bears , and now that spring was in full throng , a bear has come and killed my friend . I did not know how to approach a bear , but I assumed that she did not want me , and only viewed me as a threat . She was blocking my way back , standing between my home and me . I bowed low , and tucked my arms in . I hoped that she would be satisfied enough with my late friend to come after me . I began to back away . Once I got a little distance between us , I turned tail and ran . She threw my friend away and howled at me , screaming her war cry . The trees ahead of me became much closer together , allowing me to slip through them , while my pursuer had some trouble . I darted around the trees as fast as I could , racing through the forest . Rapidly , things changed . The trees thinned quickly , and I chanced a glance back to see if that was allowing the bear to catch up . She was getting much closer to me now that the trees were gone . I looked back forward . It was too late . I saw the ground drop out , and in trying to stop , I slid on the ground , which was now sand , and I slid over the edge . It was a massive sand dune , and I was rolling down the side of it . Every time I tried to stop myself , I merely slid on the sand and continued rolling again . I covered my face and l just let gravity happen . By the time I finally stopped , my finely crafted fur clothes were stripped from my body , and I lie in the sand , naked and scathed . There was no point in lying there , so I stood up , with difficulty , and looked around . Behind me was the large ridge , over which I could not see the forest that held my home . On either side was a desert wasteland where nothing grew . I could see no animals in the distance . Ahead of me was my only hope . A city , not wide but tall , stood directly ahead of me . The sun was just beginning to set , and something in me told me that I had to reach the city before the sun set . So I set out . The sun did not set much by the time I reached the first building . Every building reached far into the sky . Vines , the first sign of life I had seen since I rolled down the ridge , grew on everything . They grew up the side of the buildings and reached across the road and connected like a thin canopy . Though I had never seen things like this , my mother described them to me . As I walked down the road , I saw things that looked like how my mother described vehicles , however these were encased in the vine that covered the city . The ground was a sort of black rock and was very cracked . The vines covered the ground , but left large gaps that I could see through and step through . I walked a ways through the city , keeping to the center road . I was hungry , and I was thirsty . Nothing seemed to change , as if I was re - walking the same hundred steps . Surely this was the end . I was starting to get really worried , until I saw something on the horizon . A different building . Slowly , it came into view . It had no vines on it , which struck me as strange . It was not touching the sky like the others , but it was still very large . It had a central point on it , which was different than the flattened tops of the tall industrial buildings . It appeared to be made of white . As I got closer to it , I realized it was white stone , smooth around the door and rough on the rest . I could not see the roof of the building , but the door was striking . It was a dark wood with a slight red tint in it . They were easily three times as tall as me , and four times as wide . I did not recognize the wood , and even as I was right upon it , it looked magnificent and without deformity . This building looked very old , but was untouched by time . This was the end . This building . Standing here on the steps of this glorious creation , I felt a sense of security , of comfort . I stood there for a moment , naked and without anything . I had an urge to enter , but I heard faint rustling inside . My heart beat rapidly . Slowly , I raised my hand , and in a motion that just felt right , I brought my hand to the door in a fist . I did not know what lie behind the door . My heart was in my throat , pushing to get out . And I knocked . Stories In My Head April 3 , 2015 ~ kotakai ~ Leave a comment I always have stories in my head . Little snippets of plots with no definition and characters with nothing more than hints of personality . Often I get little scenes that play out , often lacking dialogue . I see bits of life in my head . I see struggles of non - existent people and conflicts that have never happened and may never happen . My mind feels like a newly constructed greenhouse . Plots and settings grow in flashes like seedlings . Some grow and evolve into strong tales , while others are pushed aside by the next idea . Like the plots and settings , people swim around in my mind . Each of them laden with difficulties thrust upon them by life . Each struggling in their world to not just survive , but to thrive , to be something more . I have stories in my head , and I can 't get them out . " I don 't know how I got here . This place , though apparently devoid of any intelligent life besides myself , thrives with life . It feels strange , distorted . Birds sing and the wind whistles in the trees , but to my heart , the world is lackluster , spiritless . I know I have been here for a while , but I don 't know how I got here . I live a simple life in this strange world . I hunt in the waters , in the woods . I know how to cook my food , though I can 't remember ever learning to do so . Though I murder their kin for nourishment , the animals around me seem not to fear me , as if they know each death was necessary . There are times that we hunt for each other . I leave what I do not eat for the animals to take back , and I will in turn find an easy meal , half eaten in a clearing . The fish do not take kindly to me and quickly swim away . I suspect in some ways the fish are smarter than the forest animals , if only in instinct . Deep inside me is an urge to keep moving . I do not know in which direction to go , but it feels right when the sun rises on my left , so that is the direction I travel . I do not know if I am moving away from something or if something pulls me , but I know I cannot resist it , as it is distressing to do so . Sometimes , when the stars are out and I lie down on a mossy bed to rest , images go through my mind . Sometimes they are frightening things , things that wake me and cut my rest short . Other times , my visions are of a better place , a place with others like me and they leave me wanting to rest longer . Some nights , it is as if I blink and the sun is rising again . Though I can discern no apparent purpose to my life , I nevertheless move onward . I may reach the end of my journey to discover that my people die with me , but I have hope in my heart that this is not the case . I believe that there is something that I am to know , but I do not know when I will find it . Though my journey is not an easy one , and I do things that I wish not to , I move down my path , if not for new sights and new stones to step on , then or the hope that my life has a purpose beyond what I understand . " My Foolish Dream February 5 , 2015February 6 , 2015 ~ kotakai ~ Leave a comment Ever since I was young - like 8 or 9 - I have wanted to try to change the world . I was told by so many people that one person just can 't do that . I spent a long time believing I would never get anywhere on my dream . Good ol ' J . K . shaped my life . She gave me someone to look up to . Her rags to riches story inspired me and the fact that she lost her billionaire status because she donated so much money just pushed me further . A Beacon February 4 , 2015 ~ kotakai ~ Leave a comment I hope that my writing this short , which I plan to title " Facebook Is Like … " , will act as a beacon to people . Hopefully I can reach others and change people who will in turn change the lives of others . Here is another excerpt from a later part of the writing : At one moment , while you happen to be carrying an armful of a mix important things and unimportant things , you slip . Trying to brace yourself for the fall , you fling your arms and everything goes flying . Nothing gets too far away , however , as you land on most of it . With throbbing knees and a pain in your chest and embarrassment coursing through you as sure as your blood , you scramble to push through your short breath and pick up your things . Even though you are surrounded by people , not a single person blinks their eye . No one turns their head . Not a single person asks if you are okay . They only kindness they give you is that they move around you so only some of your things get trampled . You get your things , brush off your knees and start walking again while trying to shake the feeling of absolute mortification that is threatening to start burning down your face . Nobody finds that comfortable . Nobody finds that fun . Nobody can just laugh it off without any shadow of sadness in them because nobody helped them . Nobody realizes how awesome it feels to be shown kindness until they need it and don 't get it . Why has our society transformed into this hideous beast that is run by a conglomerate of people who hide behind their screens and are so inept at interacting with others that they cannot even stop a moment or sacrifice ourselves a little bit to help our fellow human beings . " " Ashes " December 29 , 2014 ~ kotakai ~ Leave a comment Harley has always listened to the Elders . Never once has she questioned their wisdom or instructions ; and when you 're on a half - explored island in a post - nuclear world , you don 't have much of a choice . They told her that the world is decimated and their people , the Kashatke , are the only survivors . Her entire life she believed them ; but when a strangely dressed boy washes ashore , her world begins to unravel . Not much older than Harley , James speaks of a distorted world , very much alive . Days later , strange ships with strange captains come looking for James , and in her time of need , the people Harley look to the most have vanished . Her people in danger , Harley and James go deep into the center of the island in search of the deceptive Elders , and of an ancient people that may have the power to bring order back to the island , and to the world . |
He was born in Tehran , Iran , November 8 , 1944 ( 1944 numerically is 1 + 9 = 10 = 1 or 1944 = 1 + 4 + 4 = 9 , the same as the numerical value for 144 , 000 ) . Tehran is located in an area that is east of Jerusalem and west of Tibet . This fulfills the expectation of the Jews and Christians who are waiting for Maitreya to come from the East . This also fulfills the expectation of Hindus and Buddhists who are waiting for him to come from the West . Maitreya 's ancestors lived in an area north of Tehran called Taleghan , a mountainous region consisting of eighty villages . It is very rugged and sometimes inaccessible . It was so inaccessible that the Assassins used one of these villages ( Alamot ) as their stronghold . The government never succeeded to capture this place . All of his grandfathers were religious leaders . Not only were they the religious guides of the area , but their power exceeded their religious authority . Maitreya 's grandfather had to be consulted and his permission was essential before any governmental official could enter his territory . They all lived in a village called Shahrasar . This authority , of course , decreased and eventually vanished when the central government became more powerful , people left the villages for larger cities , and greater communication facilities were provided . His parents were the first generation in the family to leave that village and come to larger cities such as Tehran . His father started as a teacher . Then after passing an entrance examination and studying in law school , he became a judge . Right after Maitreya 's birth , however , he took advantage of an offer by the government , received an early retirement , and started his law practice as a lawyer . It was then that he became more prosperous . Maitreya was born the seventh child . The end of the world wars brought many more opportunities to everyone , including his father . This also helped the family to have a more prosperous situation . Maitreya 's father was a very sincere and honest man . He was so well known for these qualities that he was asked by many to be the trustee for distribution of the wealth to their children , sometimes orphans . He never professed to be religious , but deep inside he had great feelings for God . Maitreya learned from him a great deal of strength , perseverance , and higher thoughts . Maitreya 's mother and father were cousins . She lived a queenly life , spending winters in Tehran and summers in the village to get away from the heat of the city , always having servants , both in the city and in the village . She was a pure and powerful woman . She was well known for her benevolent acts and beauty all through Taleghan . Her husband loved her so much , that he would do anything for her . Maitreya was born into such a background . He was told that on the night of his birth there was a great deal of excitement . He had one brother and three sisters all older than him ( two children had died in infancy ) . All of the three sisters were born while his mother was spending summer and fall in the village . His brother was born in the last month of the winter while his parents were living in another city , Zanjan . By the time of Maitreya 's birth , his parents had three girls and one boy . His mother intensely desired to have another boy . Because she did not know when he would be born and with the past experiences that all the children who were born in the village were girls , she decided not to go to the village that summer . So she stayed in the heat , which she was not accustomed to , and endured that summer plus being pregnant to make sure that he would not be a girl ! At the time of his birth , they had a hard time making him to breathe . It seemed he was refusing to enter this world . Probably he had suffered so much in previous lives that he was hesitant to come back . Eventually they succeeded to pull him in . Or maybe God pushed him into the world ! He was given the name Mohammed by his parents ( Muslims are expecting the name of the Mehdi to be Mohammed ! ) One of the stories of his childhood , which his mother used to tell , was about the man who would bring milk for the baby . It is not unusual for women to use the milk of the cow as a supplemental source of food for the newborn . There was a milkman who used to bring his milk to the house every day on his bicycle . But that first winter of Maitreya 's life , one day it snowed so much that all the transportation facilities stopped in the city . There were many feet of snow on the ground . Although Maitreya 's mother had milk , it was not sufficient . It became a concern of how to find milk . No one could even leave the house , that severe was the snow . People had to dig tunnels to reach anywhere . His mother told us that it was the next afternoon that the milkman showed up on the doorstep , not on his bicycle , but on foot . Cold and shivering , carrying some milk under his cloak , he had spent hours fighting the snow to bring the milk . He was very concerned that the infant would be left without any milk . Another interesting aspect were the dreams Maitreya 's mother had when she was pregnant with him in her womb . One of her dreams was that : They were preparing to eat dinner . She said to Maitreya 's father , " But Prophet Mohammed has not come to dinner with us yet . " His father answered , " Do not worry , he will be here soon ! " Another dream was that she saw herself sitting on a lion . The lion was rising from the horizon , like the sun . A voice told her , " The lion you are riding is your child . " Maitreya 's mother later said , when she was in America visiting her son , that the landscape in that dream looked like New Mexico . Maitreya became close to his mother . Indeed he became her favorite . His special treatment , of course , became a source for some jealousy from his brother and sisters . But they mostly accepted the situation , especially since , except for his younger sister ( two years older ) who also became close to him , they were all much older . They had other concerns than to compete with him ( the second oldest also was a girl who was 7 years older than he was ) . The family mostly spent winters and early springs in the city , and summers and early falls in the village . This brought a great balance in Maitreya 's life . He became familiar with the city life , without losing touch with nature . Maitreya 's grandfather still was living in the village . This brought a central figure as a unifying force for the family . He brought a great deal of warmth , strength and discipline to the whole family . He was respected and exalted highly . Sometimes , in the winters , he would come to the city to live with the family . He too had a favorite eye upon Maitreya . Maitreya was seven years old when he declared his independence . One day when his mother , like all mothers , was mothering him , he told her that he is old enough not to be treated like a child any longer . Although he was not a difficult child , he was strongly aloof and independent . For example , when he was seven or eight , he refused to participate in a ceremony , before the New Year , during which the people would jump over a bush on fire as a sign for health and prosperity for the next year . It was probably a tradition carried to the present time from the time Persians were Zoroastrians . Maitreya declared it seems ridiculous and served no purpose . From then on they accepted his position and left him alone . It was , however , in the high school and teenage period that he reached his highest physical and mental development . Until then , he usually stayed home and had his little world with the family and some friends . But in high school ( which started in the 7th grade ) he became engaged in sports ( soccer , basketball , tennis , skiing , etc ) . It was also in this period that his spiritual longings and questions were frustrated by not finding adequate answers for them . He had reached a point where he said , " If you show me God , then I will accept Him . If you can 't show me , then I can 't believe in something that I cannot see . " Of course , they couldn 't show him God ! God was something , somewhere up there . No one has any access to Him . They said , It 's a very inaccessible thing . Maitreya probably had a very scientific mind , and he just wanted to see Him . When he read about evolution , he felt , " Ah , that makes sense . There were dinosaurs , then there were monkeys , and then there were humans . They evolved from each other and eventually it came to what I am . " So it made more sense than religion . Then Maitreya found out about dialectic materialism , which in essence says , " Whatever is not seen , cannot be believed . " So he eventually reached a point that he said , " It 's all just nature , just chance , and there is not really anything such as Spirit . We 're just made by chance . There is no God . " So his eventual conclusion was formed on the theory of evolution and dialectic materialism . He just rejected God completely . He became an atheist , you can say , and he was comfortable with it . He didn 't think too much about these things any more . He was just a student , going to school , doing his homework , getting his grades , and trying to please his parents , if possible . They told him , " This is the way . You go and get your degree , you get educated , then you get a job , you get married and have children , and all that . Then , you become a productive member of society , " etc . I guess we all know what that set - up is . It is already set up for you . This trend continued until Maitreya entered college and finished his degree , a BS in Business Administration . In college he also became involved in gymnastics . After college he had two years of military training . These all went relatively comfortably and smoothly . It was one year after he finished the army that all preparations were completed for Maitreya to go to the United States for further education . He had finished his college education and had his bachelor 's degree . He came to the United States to get his master 's and doctorate degrees . He thought he was just here to get his education and go back . But when he came to the US , amazingly , he started being pushed and pulled in directions he wasn 't intending to go . It was then that the greatest chapter of his life started to unfold . With a Mighty Hand , he was guided to his final realization and Revelation of God 's Plan . We must note that it was a very cloudy day when Maitreya flew on the plane to the United States . It was cloudy the whole way here . That was disappointing to him , because he wanted to look out the window and see the ocean and land , but clouds had covered the whole earth , it seemed ! When he first came to the United States , he had a couple of spiritual experiences . Also for the first time he experienced the hardship of life . Maitreya started to notice discrimination , the feeling of being an alien in another culture and all the problems related to the concepts of " mine " and " thine . " All these occurrences shattered the peaceful and loving world he had known at home . This opened a new dimension to him . Although he could not understand what was happening , he felt that his world was being destroyed and with a Mighty Hand his life was changing in the process . He was in school in Scranton , Pennsylvania , but he lost his interest in pursuing education . He was still considering finishing his degree . He wanted to have more time to think about these new developments than study . Therefore , he started working in a hotel in Pennsylvania . There he met a man who became his roommate . This person was a very good person and seemed to have a lot of love . He also used to meditate . However , the meditation he practiced involved going under a blanket and staying there for a long time , and sometimes even falling asleep there . Maitreya could not see what he was doing under the blanket . All he said was that he was meditating . Maitreya wanted to talk to him , but he would just fall asleep there sometimes . He thought , " This guy is crazy . " But this roommate was very happy . He was really happy . When he was out of the blanket , he was a beautiful guy . Maitreya really liked him and felt very intrigued by him . Maitreya went to the dictionary and looked up the word meditation . What does the word meditation mean ? The dictionary said that meditation means , " to think . " He said , " I can do that . If he can go under the blanket , think , and come out so loving and nice , I can do it as well . " So Maitreya put a blanket over his head , and he started thinking . After five minutes under the blanket , he was thinking , " It 's getting hot here , I can 't breathe . " After ten minutes , he was struggling , " Boy , it 's getting really stuffy in here . " After fifteen minutes , he said , " Forget it , this guy is crazy , no doubt about that . " So that was the end of that . Maitreya concluded , " Definitely , he 's crazy . " That summer , a couple of months later , Maitreya went back to school and took some courses . He was living in the dormitory and eating in the cafeteria . That was where he met this very small Eastern Indian man , named Satish , which he later found out means , " Truth . " Satish had so much energy . He was such a dynamic person . He was just glowing with energy . Maitreya came to like him very much . In the course of their talking Maitreya found out that he lived downstairs in the same dormitory . One day Maitreya said , " You seem very energetic , how come ? " Satish said , " I meditate . " Maitreya thought , " Oh , oh , another one of those loonies . " Maitreya asked him , " You mean you go under the blanket ? " He laughed and said , " No , no . Not that kind . " Maitreya asked , " Oh , there 's another kind of thinking and meditation ? " Satish started talking about meditation . He told him about Ananda Marga , that he belonged to that organization , etc . He explained briefly what mantra is and what really meditation is . Maitreya did not understand completely what he said , but it made some sense to him . Later on , when they came to know each other better , Maitreya went to his room and Satish showed him a pamphlet that was about the activities of Ananda Marga . He explained some of the aspects of that organization and he showed Maitreya their sign . When Maitreya saw the swastika in the sign , he asked him if he was a Nazi . Satish then explained to him that the swastika is not what Hitler used it for , but it is a very ancient sign symbolizing higher consciousness . Satish also told him some of their philosophy , but Maitreya was really interested in meditation at that time . It seemed anyone he met who meditated was happy and full of energy . He wanted to learn this art that made these people so joyful ! After a couple of months Satish told Maitreya that a teacher from Ananda Marga , called an Achareya , was coming to the campus to give a lecture . An Achareya is a person who has dedicated his life to meditation and teaching it to others . This teacher was from the Philippines . Maitreya had been here in this country probably around two years or so by this time , and he still had a hard time to understand English with an American accent . That was because he had studied English with a British accent . When he was coming to the United States , he had stopped in London . It was very easy for him to understand the television there . He could probably understand around 60 - 70 % of their English accent . Then he came to New York . They said ( with a New York accent ) , " How are you doing ? " Maitreya would say , " What ? " They just completely threw him off balance . It was a completely different world . He probably could understand 10 - 15 % of what they said . See , when you are in school , you work with the books more than with the people . You are not in too much contact with the people . You just sit with the professors and the professors talk a very high level technical language of English related to your field , and you read books , etc . So you are not in very much contact with day - to - day people . You understand the professors , but you really don 't know the language . You really have to live with the people to start to truly learn a language . Anyway , after two years Maitreya still couldn 't understand English very well . Then this Filipino person came and he had a Filipino accent . Have you ever heard a Filipino person talk English ? It can be very difficult to understand . Even the Americans can have a problem to understand a Filipino with their accent . So Maitreya didn 't understand a word of what the Achareya said [ laughter ] . The only thing Maitreya understood was that he was going to be available for consultation and that if you had a question you could go and talk to him . Then the teacher went into a room . Maitreya said to Satish , " I do have a couple of questions . " So Satish told him to take his shoes off , go in the room where the Achareya was , and say , " Namaskar , " ( which is an Indian greeting ) , sit crossed - legged in front of him and ask his questions . Maitreya said , " Great , that is what I 'm going to do . " So Maitreya went in the room and said , " Namaskar , " and sat in front of him . But the Achareya 's eyes were closed and he was meditating . Maitreya kept silent and was waiting for him to open his eyes so that he could ask his questions . The Achareya was in such a state of peace and his face was glowing that Maitreya felt completely attracted to his Peace . With his eyes still closed , the Achareya started talking . He then initiated Maitreya ! The teacher told him the process of meditation , and he gave Maitreya a mantra and its meaning . He said , " You meditate on this mantra . That is your mantra . Go and meditate . " Maitreya never even had a chance to ask his questions ! The Archareya opened his eyes , wrote the mantra for Maitreya on a piece of paper , and told him to go and meditate . Also he instructed Maitreya to meditate twice a day . Maitreya did not come to the lecture to be initiated . He even did not know what initiation was or what it meant . He had not even heard about a Guru or any of the Far East philosophies . But somehow there was a great pull ! So Maitreya went to his room . The Archareya had instructed how to meditate , " Go and close your eyes , " and things like that . He went up there and meditated . He started using the mantra and thinking about its meaning … It was a wonderful thing that happened . It was one of the best meditations he has ever had . He felt that Light was going out of his head and body . He opened his eyes and everything was Light . He went downstairs in the dormitory and was grabbing people , " Hey , can you see God ? " Of course they didn 't know what he was talking about . This occurred August 15 , 1974 . The fall semester was to start sometime in September . Maitreya was thinking about moving out of the dormitory . A person from California came to join Satish so they could start an Ananda Marga Center in Scranton . They wanted to get a place together and start a Center . Maitreya also wanted to leave and probably get a big house and share it with a couple of other students . So , he started to look for a house . Actually , in the beginning he was supposed to move in with Satish and the other person . But perhaps they concluded that Maitreya was not ready to live in the Center with them . Satish had been meditating for fifteen years , and this other gentlemen had been meditating for six years . To them , Maitreya was just like a baby in the path . They didn 't want to live with him . So they decided to go and get a house by themselves . Maitreya also went out and looked for a house . He was just looking around to see if there was anything for rent . He could not find anything . Then he saw this lady walking in the street , and he asked her , " Do you know if there are any houses for rent around here ? " She said , " Yes . There is a house there . It has been empty for years . I don 't know if the owners want to rent it but they might . Go and ask . " She showed Maitreya where the house was . Maitreya went there , knocked on the door , and asked the person who was there , " I heard that this house is empty . Would you like to rent it ? " He said , " Well , it 's been empty for a long time . We 've been thinking about it . But let me think . What are you doing ? " Maitreya said , " I 'm a student . I go to school . I might get a couple of other students with me , and we are just going to school . I haven 't been able to rent a place . " He said , " OK , I 'll rent it to you . " Maitreya said , " OK , can I look at the house ? " He said , " It 's a nine - room house . It has a basement . It has central heating . " Maitreya went to look at it . He thought , " Oh , it 's going to be five or six - hundred dollars for a nine - room house . " He asked , " How much do you want for it ? " The gentleman said , " Seventy - five dollars a month . " [ Laughter ] Maitreya said , " OK , fine . " He certainly didn 't have any complaints about $ 75 a month for nine rooms . He said , " OK , I 'll take it . " Maitreya went back to his room , in the dormitory . As he was meditating in the evening , someone knocked on the door . It was Satish with his friend . They had a problem with their landlord . Their landlord didn 't want them to start their Center in his house . He didn 't want them to bring people there to meditate , and all those things that would be part of being a Center . So they were unable to start a Center in Scranton . Then Maitreya told them about the house he had found . Satish suggested that they all take the house and make it a Center . Maitreya told him , " But you didn 't want to live with me . " Satish said , " I have no choice now . We looked for another place to rent . We could not find one . It seems there is no rental house available in Scranton anymore . " Maitreya agreed to share the house with them . They rented it , and the three of them started to live together . Of course , they first went to the landlord and explained to him what they were going to do , that they were going to have people come and meditate there . The landlord and his wife were wonderful people . That was fine , no problem . Actually , just across the street there was a big house with around six or seven nuns living there . So , there was a very beautiful , strong energy there . Maitreya started living with Satish and the other person . He was now with these people who had been meditating for years . They started talking about the teachings of Baba . Baba was their spiritual teacher . They would wake up at around 4 : 30 in the morning , and then they would go for a walk . At the top of Scranton there is a lake . It is an artificial lake that is the reservoir for the city . It was a one - hour walk around the lake . They would go there , walk for half an hour , sit there and meditate for another thirty minutes or an hour , and walk back for half an hour . That was their ritual every day for around six or nine months . Maitreya was in a very intense environment with these people . He had very strong meditations , yoga , and teachings , and at the same time was going to school with them . He had a lot of discussions with Satish and others . He started to understand what the Guru meant and who was his Guru , etc . Also he enjoyed talking about these philosophies . So they created a very nice environment there . That environment completely changed his lifestyle and his view of the realities of life . He was awakened to a realm that was unknown to him before . That spring he finished his MBA and was accepted for continuing his doctorate in business in three universities . He chose to go to Mississippi State University because they accepted him unconditionally . The other universities were in Pennsylvania : Penn State and Temple University . If he had stayed in that state , he would have been almost in the same situation as before . By going to Mississippi , however , Maitreya was forced to completely change his environment away from the support and friendship of like - minded people . He understood this change more later on and found out that there was no one in Mississippi from the same organization . And because of living in that spiritual environment in Pennsylvania , he did not like to associate with people who were not doing meditation and were pursuing a regular life . He couldn 't get along with the people who drank , smoked , were vulgar , and all those things . When Maitreya went to Mississippi , it was very hard . Suddenly , he was out of that secure environment in a place that he didn 't even understand the language any more [ laughter ] . For the first semester he was pretty much by himself . There were very few people studying business in the doctoral level , and there was not much social contact . So he became very isolated , and he spent most of the time by himself . Well , that was really by His Grace . Maitreya 's schedule was to go to school , eat , sleep , read schoolbooks , read Baba 's books ( his spiritual teacher , Baba is his affectionate name ) and meditate . So he had much more time to read Baba 's books and become familiar with his teachings instead of listening to others talking about him or his philosophy . Therefore , Maitreya was not being influenced by others but had a direct relationship with him . For about five months he was in this situation , completely wrapped up in meditation and study . The next semester he felt like he wanted to do some service . He had such a desire to spread the knowledge he had gained from his spiritual teacher . He decided to start a yoga class . Also he wanted to find people who were interested in spirituality and make some friends . So Maitreya went and talked with the person who would set up the programs in the student union . He was very interested and even offered to pay him $ 2 . 00 an hour for the teaching . But Maitreya refused the money because he wanted to do it as a service . Instead he requested that they do the publicizing for the class because of his busy schedule . Anyway it was advertised , and the class started . The number of the room was given out , and the time was established . It was supposed to be from 7 : 30 to 9 : 00 PM on Mondays , in a room large enough to hold 20 to 25 people . The first day of the class , Maitreya went upstairs in the union and saw that there were a lot of people there . He said , " I must have the wrong room . " The room with the same number was just packed . He went downstairs and checked the number with the desk , and that was the right room . Maitreya went back there and looked and there were around 50 - 60 - 70 - 80 people waiting for the class to begin [ laughter ] . It was packed . All the chairs were taken , some were sitting on the floor , many were standing along the walls , and still more were coming . Maitreya thought , " Are you kidding me ? I can 't talk about yoga in front of 80 people in English [ laughter ] . I can 't even speak English very well yet . Eighty people ! " He panicked , and he just ran downstairs [ laughter ] . Maitreya sat in a chair and said to himself , " I 'm not going to be able to do this . " He closed his eyes . He started meditating . But he said , " Somebody has to do it . You have already told these people that there is going to be such a class . " He said , " Well God , You are going to have to do it for me . " Like an instrument , Maitreya walked upstairs and went to the class . He closed the door and started talking about meditation and yoga . It was a great experience ! Everything became Light . The whole class was out of this world . It was filled with joy and peace . Everyone was together . That 's when he felt really good , really fine , really great . Maitreya has said that it was such an incredible experience that the whole class was out of this world . They were one , all eighty people with him , all were one . He was so high , so relaxed , so joyful , and everything looked brighter and more beautiful . His English even was OK . He just loved the feeling . Maitreya knew then that he was going to continue teaching . He split the class into two classes , each with about 40 members , one for Mondays and the other class for Wednesdays . As the semester progressed , these four hours of teaching were the most profound and joyful times of his week . He used to make a schedule of what he was going to talk about . For instance , " This week we will cover this , this and this . " But he would go to the class and wouldn 't talk on any of those topics [ laughter ] . Completely different topics would come out . He would put them into meditation and suddenly an incredible thing would come out and everyone would be amazed with the subtlety of the things that were talked about . After two months Maitreya invited a teacher of the Ananda Marga organization from Atlanta , Georgia , to come and initiate those who wanted to become members . Thirteen people were initiated , which is a very large number for a class in existence for only two months . Usually they start classes for fifteen to sixteen people , and one or two would become initiated . So when thirteen people were initiated , it just exploded in the whole of Ananda Marga that Mohammed , who was in Pennsylvania and went to Mississippi , after having a class for two or three months , facilitated thirteen people to become initiated . So Maitreya became very famous all over Ananda Marga ( AM ) . Many people in AM knew him , who he was , what he was doing , etc . That semester finished and Maitreya has said that it was one of the greatest periods of his life . He was Godly - high almost all of the time , " It was such an incredible feeling ! " In the summer he decided to go to Iran and visit his parents and his family , after three years of being away . However , when he got there , he found himself a foreigner in his own home . Everything and everyone seemed different . Of course , Maitreya was a yogi now . He started telling them about yoga and teaching about these things , but they couldn 't understand it . Maitreya felt that he did not belong there any more . He longed to return to his teaching and his spiritual friends , so he did . He just felt , " I 'm out of place here . They are no longer my family , I can 't relate to them . They are from somewhere else , from a different consciousness . " All he wanted was to go back to Ananda Marga and his friends and more spiritual people , the people whom he was comfortable with , who meditated and talked about God . So Maitreya came back to the United States to continue his education . By then , of course , Ananda Marga had sent a full time worker to be with him because he didn 't have time . He had his classes and things like that , so he couldn 't take care of thirteen people . Before this happened , of the people who started coming to his classes , there was a group of hippies in the class who came and studied with him . They came to Maitreya and said that they wanted him to go and live with them and become their spiritual teacher [ laughter ] . The first thing he said was , " There is no loose sex , OK ? " They said , " What ? You can 't do that to us " [ laughter ] . They offered that Maitreya could have anyone he wanted as long as he let them have their way . Maitreya said , " No , it doesn 't work that way . " So they backed off . That year , there was a weeklong Ananda Marga retreat in Kansas . It is a custom for the people in that organization to ask for a Sanskrit spiritual name . Maitreya was in Ananda Marga probably two years by then , and he had never felt he needed a spiritual name . He never had a desire for one , but in the retreat he decided to ask for a name from his Achareya . However , this Achareya was a very busy person because he was the International Coordinator of the organization . So he put Maitreya 's name on his list of those who had asked him for a name and he told him that he was too busy at that time , but he would send him one . Maitreya said , " OK , I 'll wait for you . " Of course , most of the people who asked for a spiritual name received it right away . They had the names of Ishvara , Krishna , or Shivamurtti , and all those big names . That retreat was finished and he went home . Maitreya waited for a month , two months , but the name was not coming . Maitreya had become so inspired at that retreat that he decided also to go to a training center in Denver and become a wholetimer himself . It just seemed that more and more he was becoming attracted to the spiritual world rather than the external world . However , when he went back to Mississippi , things started not going well . First of all , he would have to quit school . Secondly , after he decided that he would do it anyway , it seemed that he couldn 't get out of town . Maitreya put his belongings in the car all ready to go , but the car wouldn 't start . After a couple of days he decided , " Well , I am not going to go , " and a few hours later his car started with no problem . The next day he decided again to go , thinking that he was being superstitious . So he took his car to the back of the house , put his suitcase and things again in it , and started driving . However , it was raining and the backyard , which was just dirt , became very muddy , so his car got stuck in the mud . He just could not leave the house ! A few days later Maitreya decided again to go . He went out and found that his car had fallen into a ditch at the side of the house ! He decided these were the signs for him not to go . He sent a letter to the training center describing the situation and told them he would not be coming . Maitreya had still not received his spiritual name , so he sent a letter and asked for it again . A week or so later they had a retreat for the people from Mississippi . There was a teacher , an Achareya , from Atlanta Georgia who used to come every three months and tour different AM centers . He was in charge of Georgia , Alabama , Mississippi , and Louisiana . He would travel , and go back and forth through these states . So Maitreya already knew him . His name was Rudranath . He was invited to come to Mississippi for this retreat . Rudranath came , and because Maitreya knew him and was very comfortable and close to him , when he came for the retreat Maitreya told him that he had asked the International Coordinator to give him a name but he had not received it yet . Now it was two months later and still he hadn 't received it , so Maitreya asked Rudranath , " Could you go ahead and give me a name ? " Rudranath said , " OK , let me think about it . " He later on said , " I 'm going to do it , I 'm going to give you a name . " It was Wednesday . Wednesday passed , Thursday passed , Friday they went to the retreat site in the evening , nothing . The retreat started that night . Maitreya said he was really upset that he was not giving him his name , " It has been three days . What is he doing ? Come on . " So Maitreya went early in the morning Saturday ( interesting it was Sabbath ! ) just as he woke up . He rushed to Rudranath 's room and said , " What is my name ? Are you going to give me my name or what ? " Rudranath said , " OK , your name is Maitreya . " Maitreya couldn 't even pronounce it correctly , so Rudranath wrote it down for him . Maitreya asked , " What does that mean ? What does Maitreya mean ? " He said , " It means The Compassionate One . " Maitreya said , " OK " and he walked out , saying to himself , " OK , my name is Maitreya , that is my spiritual name . " Maitreya didn 't know what the word " compassionate " meant , so he went to the dictionary to find out . It said that compassionate means to have compassion , to have mercy , to have all those things . It didn 't sound good [ laughter ] . He really didn 't like it too much . The other people had names like Shivamurtti , which means " statue of Shiva " or Ishvara Dave , " the controller of the universe , " and things like that . All of them seemed beautiful to be or become . But Maitreya , the compassionate , did not seem very interesting . Actually the next week after that , Maitreya had to go to Memphis , Tennessee . He had to do a couple of things there . So he went to Memphis , and this spiritual teacher , Rudranath , was there . Maitreya said , " I want to talk to you , I don 't like this name . I want you to change it . " Rudranath said , " No , I can 't , that is it . I gave it to you and you 're going to stick with it . " Maitreya said , " No , I don 't want this . " Rudranath said , " That is it . If you don 't want it , don 't use it . But that is what I gave to you and that is going to stay with you . " Maitreya has said that now , when he thinks about it , he is amazed at how he became so involved in such a name trip , but of course , there is a reason for everything . A few weeks later Maitreya received a letter from the other teacher and he gave him the name Vigi Kumar . Vigi means , " youthful . " Kumar means , " prince . " So Vigi Kumar means , " the young prince . " Maitreya said , " Wow , that looks better [ laughter ] . I 'm going to use the name Vigi Kumar instead of Maitreya . " So he was using both names and telling the people that he liked Vigi Kumar better , but without any exception all told him that he should accept Maitreya over Vigi Kumar , because being compassionate is a greater virtue than thinking you are a young prince . This was in the spring semester . Maitreya finished his courses in June , and in July there weren 't any courses scheduled for the summer that he could take . Ananda Marga had their headquarters in Denver , Colorado . They had a business called Golden Lotus . They used to make shampoo and other products . It was a very wonderful shampoo , it might still be on the market . They were having problems with their business so they were looking for someone , a business major , to come and study their business and suggest some recommendations . Since Maitreya couldn 't take the two courses he needed that summer , he had almost the whole second part of the summer doing nothing . So Maitreya wrote them saying , " I am a business major , do you want me to come and help you out with this problem ? " He received a call , " Yes , come . You can come here and stay with us and do the things we need to be done . " Maitreya went to Denver , and it was decided that he should study the company and set up a cost - accounting system , some paper flows , and makes a report of its situation in general . From the very beginning he felt some resistance from some of the people there . They felt threatened by his presence and his questions about all the different phases of the business . However , he tried his best , and made a report to the president and International Coordinator . During the time he was doing that , people kept asking him , " What is your spiritual name ? " He would explain to them , " I have two names . I have Maitreya and Vigi Kumar . " Everyone , without exception , told him , " Keep the Maitreya . " He explained to them that he didn 't know which one to use , Maitreya or Vigi Kumar , and they all said , " Keep the Maitreya , keep the Maitreya , keep the Maitreya . " It was just like pounding on him , " Keep the Maitreya , keep the Maitreya , keep the Maitreya . " At the same time , his money was running out . He talked with the people in Ananda Marga and said , " Do you need me to stay with you longer ? " They said , " Yes , we want you to stay here . " So they decided that he would continue on with this task . So he told them , " I will come the next semester . I don 't have to take a course . I won 't take the two remaining courses in the fall ; I 'll take it in the spring . I 'll come and stay with you . " However , he was becoming a little disillusioned with the way things were being run there and the way things were handled . He found a deviation from what the ideology of his Guru was and the way it was handled . Also there were rumors starting in that organization about a lot of things . So he was getting kind of , not as good a feeling as he used to have about the whole thing . Also , later on he heard that his recommendations were rejected . Not that he was attached to the recommendations but they were good , they were good recommendations . They were sound , they were based on the business studies that he had made . But they didn 't want to do them . That was another drawback for him . But that wasn 't really it . Just a lot of things started to go wrong . He was feeling a little disconnected . Sounds like after his name was established to be Maitreya , his relationship with Ananda Marga start to crumble ! So Maitreya left and went to Mississippi and went to his P . O . box . He found , after two months of being away , only one letter in his box and it was from the Dean of the business school , " Come and see me as soon as you can . " The next morning he went there and said , " Well , here I am . " The Dean said , " We have a scholarship for you . You are going to receive $ 250 a month . The only thing you have to do is to work with one of the professors ten hours a week . Also , you don 't have to pay any tuition . Your tuition is waived . " Now he was feeling disconnected from Ananda Marga a little bit . His money problem would be solved with this scholarship . Everything said , " You don 't have to go , you can stay and continue your education . " So Maitreya told the Dean that he would have to think about it . He said , " Fine . Come to me any time you are ready . But you have to answer us in three days because if you don 't want it , we have to give it to someone else because that money was given to us and we have to spend it . " When they get the money they have to give it to someone , otherwise it is not going to be there . So he told Maitreya , " You have to tell me in three days if you are going to take it or not . " Maitreya went to his room to think about it . Maitreya called Ananda Marga and said , " Well , this is the opportunity that came up , and I think that I am going to take it . " Of course , they were a little disappointed but they said , " Fine . " So at that point he was almost completely disconnected from Ananda Marga . So he stayed that fall . This was the year 1976 . Maitreya had only two courses and this teacher wanted him to go and study the market trends in the stock market . He wanted to be on top of the stock market trends , etc . So the only thing Maitreya had to do was spend probably half an hour a day just to see what the trend was , especially in the Dow Jones . Maitreya said that it was very easy . He could just look at the news and they could tell you what the trend was in the evening . It was a very easy thing to do . It was not difficult . So he had plenty of time on his hands . He had two courses - usually a full time student has four courses . He had planned to prepare for his comprehensive examination and also find a topic for his dissertation . So Maitreya used to go to the library to study . Whenever he would get bored and had nothing to do , he would go to the spiritual section of the library and look at different books , on Buddhism , Hinduism , Islam , Christianity , etc . On one of these days he was flipping through a Buddhist book , and suddenly he came across the name Maitreya . He started reading it and in the middle of the book he found that the name of the Buddha to come is Maitreya . For the first time he found the name of Maitreya in a book about Buddhism . It was very interesting , but he did not believe in prophecies then , so he just became a little more pleased with his name and understood that the name is mostly related to Buddhism . Maitreya thought , " OK , they know him . Someone knows him " [ laughter ] . He was supposed to be the Buddha to come , " Oh great , so it means something here , the Buddha to come . " That was finished and then he would read something about it and close the book , go to his courses , and continue with his studies . Then some other time he went and flipped through another book and suddenly came across this , that Maitreya probably came from Mithra , from Persia , which was one of the Gods of the Zoroastrian religion . He was supposed also to come , to return , and unify the world and all that . He said , " Oh great . It is also even related to the same country , to the nation where I was born . " He still had the national feeling , " Wow , that relates to where I was born . Oh , great ! " So that was good . That was another sign . It just kept popping up , and he found more and more information about what Maitreya means , who he is , and who it can be . He also enjoyed reading about the philosophies and histories of different religions . He really didn 't pay any attention to all this information , it was completely out of his realm . His realm was to finish his education and get his degree . But at the same time , he started reading these books . Maitreya would be sitting in his room , and someone would knock at his door . Who was that ? It was the Mormons . They would just sit and talk about the Mormon religion . Or , he would be living in a house that this lady , the landlord , belonged to this church . She invited him to go to this church and they would have a discussion about Christ and compare that in the Bible with the teaching Maitreya knew . But this stream of consciousness started coming to him at the same time . So far he was in Ananda Marga only . Now he started reaching out , studying about other religions , but not the Bible . He hadn 't touched the Bible yet . He had heard about it . They had talked about it in that church , but he didn 't know what they were talking about . He knew there were some things coming from the Bible , but He didn 't know really where in the Bible they were coming from . Maitreya also used to jog . He liked to go off and run once in awhile outside . He used to run around the campus , and there was a church he always passed on his way . He didn 't pay it any attention . It was just another church like other churches . They were all over . To him it was just another building . One day he was jogging , and when he reached in front of this church , he felt so tired that he couldn 't go any further . So he decided , " OK , I 'll just go inside and rest for awhile . " Maitreya had already been in church ( the one landlord took him ) so he knew you could go in and stay there if you wanted to . No one was going to ask you what you were doing there . He walked in , as the door was open . The lights were on . There were Bibles all over the place . So he sat there and started meditating . After five minutes he got to feeling a little bit better , so he opened his eyes . There was a Bible in front of him . He picked it up , flipped it open , and started reading it , " Genesis 1 : In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth , " and on and on . That is evolution , isn 't it ? Just right there Maitreya realized that it is the same thing as evolution ! He was amazed at how the explanation of the creation corresponded to the evolutionary process . Right there He realized that each day of creation was referring to one period of the evolutionary process . It was the first time in his life that he had read the Old Testament . He just could not stop reading it . So he borrowed the book [ laughter ] . He went to his room and started reading the Bible . Maitreya read , and read , and read , and read , and read . Really , the two courses , the students , the teacher , and the scholarship were out of the window . Now it was Bible time . He was reading it and reading it , the Old Testament , and then the New Testament . Of course , he bought his own Bible , and he returned that Bible to the church where he had borrowed it [ laughter ] . He said , " Thank you very much . It was good to have it for a couple of days . " Actually , he still has the Bible he bought back then . He started reading the Bible , making notes , and seeing this and that . That was it . He was totally engaged . Then Maitreya realized , " If the Bible is like that , I 'd better start reading the Koran too . " He had never read the Koran before . He had been living in a Moslem country , but he wasn 't interested at that time . He wasn 't interested in God , so who cared ? If you are not interested in God , who cares about the Bible or the Koran , etc . ? Now he had to read the Koran . All these things were extremely interesting , to read them , to see . There was always this feeling that there should be a relationship . There were a couple of Baha ' is from Iran on the campus , so he also started talking to the Baha ' is and getting interested in them , a little bit , not much . He already knew about Ananda Marga . And he was also talking to the Mormons and many groups who would come to the campus to talk to the students . There was something strongly impressed on him , that there should be a thread between all these beliefs . It was the first time in his life that he was so attracted to these books . He just could not believe that there was any difference between these Revelations . If there is One God , why so many Revelations ? He could not grasp the exact relationship then but he intuitively knew that there should be some relationship . He found himself helplessly reading these books and spending his time going through them again and again , as he was finding so much truth in them and their relationships with the teachings of Ananda Marga . So much new knowledge started coming to him . Maitreya became completely occupied with this new stream of consciousness which was being impressed on him . Actually he was having trouble finishing the semester because he did not put too much effort in his studies . For instance , he was sitting in his class and the professor was talking about management , which in organization is represented as a triangle upward . The teacher was talking about the president , the vice - presidents , department heads , etc , the triangle upward . " Oh , the triangle upward means the hierarchy , the hierarchy in the organization . " So the triangle upward in the sign of Solomon maybe has the same meaning ! Then what would the triangle downward mean in that symbol ? Maitreya was out of class , he was in the sign of Solomon and the Jewish symbol . So he was out of the study . The professor was talking about management , and Maitreya was thinking about God and His relationship with this . He was no longer there . He didn 't belong to those classes any more . This extremely powerful consciousness was being impressed on him . Maitreya has said that with difficulty , he passed the two courses . Actually , those were some of the lowest grades he obtained in school , in that semester . Of course , he was lucky he had other grades that were pretty high to cover those . He got two " C 's " that semester . He had other " A 's " so it made a " B " average . You have to have a " B " average to be able to take the comprehensive exam and receive your doctorate . But he was having difficulty to study . So , he wasn 't prepared for his comprehensive examination . When he finished , it was the beginning of January , and he had to take his comprehensive examination some time at the end of January , the 17th of January or such . He had to study and he couldn 't study , just this extreme of consciousness was coming to his mind . So he didn 't pass the comprehensive exam , but actually he didn 't care . Now Maitreya was familiar with the Far East Philosophies , Judaism , Christianity , Islam , a little of Baha ' i , and Ananda Marga . That was it . But he was much more interested to read books about spirituality , the Bible , and anything related , and go to the churches and talk to the priests . That he also started doing , going to the churches in Mississippi and talking about God the way he understood Him . In the spring semester he did not have any courses but was still working 10 hours a week with his major professor . So he had plenty of time without worrying about any exam or any assignment . He utilized all his spare time in reading the Scriptures and thinking about them . It was at the end of February that he felt really tired and frustrated about all the things that were happening . So he decided to go to Chicago and visit his cousin . He planned to stay with them for a week . He was thinking that he was going to forget all about everything and would clear his mind of all these things , and then he would go back to Mississippi and put all his effort in getting ready for taking the comprehensive examination again . Maitreya 's cousin and his wife are doctors , M . D 's . They worked in Chicago then . He hadn 't seen them for probably five or six years . So he called them and said , " What do you think if I come and spend a week with you ? " They said , " Sure , come , come . We would love to have you . " Maitreya took his car and started driving toward Chicago . Mississippi to Chicago is almost like a straight - line north , almost , not completely . So he went and arrived at their house around three days later . They sat around and talked . They renewed their friendship and things like that . A few hours later , they asked him , " What do you want to do tomorrow ? " They were both supposed to go to work . But his wife had off the next day . The rest of the week they both had to go to work . She said , " I have off tomorrow , what do you want to do ? How about going to see the Baha ' i Temple ? " Maitreya said , " OK , sure , that would be fine . " Maitreya had read a little about the Baha ' i Faith but he had never seen a Baha ' i Temple . In the morning , they woke up around 9 : 30 , 10 o ' clock . They took their car , they took the children ( they had two boys ) , and his wife and he drove all the way to the Baha ' i Temple . The Baha ' i Temple is built in a street . So they parked on the curb , the pavement , and they started going toward the Temple . There are steps there . You almost don 't see the Temple until you go to the top of the steps . So they went there and walked up the steps , and oh , this beautiful white Temple was there . And there is a swastika , the Star of David ( Judaism ) , the cross ( Christianity ) , the moon and star ( Islam ) , and the Baha ' i symbol carved there on the temple . The moment Maitreya saw all these signs on the wall , a flash of realization occurred . He suddenly realized their relationships . His mind was filled with the excitement of this realization . It was impressed on him , all the symbols . That was where the whole Greatest Sign started to form . His cousin 's wife started telling him about , this place has been like that , this place like that . Maitreya was out of that completely . So he hardly bore the tour with her and he said , " Let 's go home . " Maitreya went back to their home , back to his room , and started reading the books he bought from the Baha ' i Temple . A couple of times he went back and forth to the Baha ' i Temple . He started putting the signs that were on the temple and the sign of Ananda Marga on a sheet of paper . He put the swastika at the top , then the sign of Solomon , Christianity , Islam , and Baha ' i , from top to bottom . " There is something there , there is some relationship . There is a thread between them . " As he was doing this , then he added Ananda Marga , the sixth seal . So he had six of them now . He knew that God 's number is 7 , so he put another swastika at the very bottom . Now if the first and last Swastika would come together ! As his best topic in high school was geometry , Maitreya knew that every circle could be divided six times by its radius . So he made a circle and divided it by its sixth radius and put each sign around . It started to evolve more and more toward The Greatest Sign . He started thinking that swastika is the Godhead , the Creator whom all things have come from ( ) , as the Ananda Marga philosophy says . Later on man failed , according to the Bible , so God chose the Elected Ones , so the sign of Solomon , of Judaism , is there ( ) . These people were elected to bring man back to higher consciousness , but they failed to keep their covenant with Him . So He sent Christ to tell the Jews that they are not Chosen Ones any longer ( ) . After Christ , a great Prophet came , not from the Jews , but from a close race , the Arabs , as Muhammad ( ) . After that , a sense of universalism had been arisen in humanity , so Bab / Baha ' u ' llah came to bring that message , the Baha ' i Faith ( ) . And Ananda Marga brought the concept of Paravipra ( ) , or the true leaders of the society who will bring the dream of universalism to the reality to accelerate the progress of humanity return to God , which is the second swastika , at the end ( ) . At the same time , Maitreya 's cousin started insisting that they visit the Playboy Club . They had a key for the Playboy Club . If you are a member , you have a key and you can get in . They wanted to impress on Maitreya that they had the key , so they could go to the Playboy Club [ laughter ] . Now Maitreya was here in this Revelation of The Greatest Sign and impressed with this realization and this flashback that just took all the life out of him , and they wanted to take him to the Playboy Club . He said , " Oh guys , don 't worry about it , I don 't want to do that . " He didn 't want to hurt their feelings that , " No , come on , forget it , I don 't want to go there . " They just kept insisting and he just tried , " Oh , not tonight . I am going to cook tonight for you , so not tonight . " Maitreya cooked for them that night . The next night came , " The children are tired , let 's not do it tonight . " But Maitreya felt that they were getting upset about his resistance . He was probably there around five days . He was almost done with what he wanted to accomplish , he had all the Baha ' i books , and he had his questions answered . They had definitely decided to go to the Playboy Club Saturday night . Maitreya said fine . His cousin and his wife went to work on Friday , they took the kids to the babysitter . Maitreya was home alone , so he wrote them a note , " I received an emergency call from the University . I have to go back to the University right away " [ laughter ] . He left the note on the table , took his car , and headed south . Not only did he not get out of that consciousness , so that he could get to his studies and finish his education , now he was impressed with this thread and The Greatest Sign . So he went back to Mississippi and went to his room . And that was it . The next two months or so Maitreya was absorbed with The Greatest Sign . Now he was studying the religions much deeper . Before he was just reading them and enjoying them . Now he was really reading them with this Spirit , just going into them to see why Baha ' i , why Islam , why Christianity , why ? And The Greatest Sign started to evolve more and more . So the symbols were in the circle , and it went from swastika ( ) , to the Seal of Solomon ( ) , to Christianity ( ) , to Islam ( ) , to the Baha ' i Faith ( ) , to Ananda Marga ( ) , and back to the swastika ( ) . Maitreya drew a circle and divided it into six parts , and put each symbol at one of these points . Then he drew the two big triangles , which connect each three of these symbols together . Later on he put a swastika in the middle of all these , so The Greatest Sign was almost complete . But still the I - Ching ( ) and the dot in the middle of the I - Ching had not been revealed . They came to be later on in 1978 when Maitreya was in Denver . Actually , he wouldn 't show it to anyone . He had a curtain over it in his room . Whenever anyone would come , the curtain was down , and they would sit and talk about different things . It was around , probably six months that passed like that , and he didn 't do too much about it and he didn 't talk to anyone either . He was just by himself and The Greatest Sign . That spring and summer he spent all his time working on the Sign . And every day more and more he would realize how incredible this Sign is . He started widely reading about the religions involved in the Sign and other related materials . He found out that he would not become attracted to anything unless there was a purpose in that for furthering his realization . By the fall he was very sure that all this truth which had come to him could not be false , that definitely there is a mission for him to be done in this lifetime , and that the name given to him supports it . At the same time Maitreya started seeing more clearly the signs of the time and the tribulation which was spreading , not only in one or two countries , or races , but all through the world . With all these clues he could no longer consider himself merely a student . Of course one part of him was fighting the idea and resisting taking up the challenge . For his final decision , Maitreya moved out of Starkville , the city that the university was in , to a small town 30 miles away . He rented an apartment there just by himself . For two months he did another intensive search and contemplation there alone by himself , and then moved back to Starkville . The Greatest Sign had pretty much formed itself by then . But the very center was only the swastika . There was one swastika in the center , a swastika on the bottom , and the rest of The Greatest Sign . Of course , Maitreya was bothered with the notion of the swastika and that is one of the reasons that he studied symbolism . He found out that the swastika is one of the oldest symbols on earth and every tribe and nation used it , every mystical religion on earth , even the American Indians had it . Africans had it , and Asians had it also . Maitreya decided to go to Virginia Beach to study symbolism from Edgar Cayce at the Foundation there . He drove all the way to Virginia Beach . He went to the foundation and bought a lot of books , and also he purchased their book on symbology . He became more familiar with the symbology , which once again made him realize how powerful the Sign is . He still was saying , " God , You 've got the wrong person . I am not the one . I am not the one to do this . I am just here to finish my education and go back home . " What about back home ? " My poor parents who spent that much money , time , and energy sending me to school … " The relationship between parents and children is much stronger in the East . It is not like in the West where you say , " OK , now I have enough money , I can get my apartment and go away . " You are almost internally connected to your parents for the rest of your life . It is a very strong , close relationship , and there is a lot of respect and love . Breaking those taboos is very hard . Maitreya wouldn 't have been able to study anyway . There was no way for him to open a business schoolbook any longer . He just couldn 't open them . There was no feeling there to do that . The only thing he was interested in was The Greatest Sign and the religions related to it . So after two months he said , " Well , OK , I 'll do it " [ laughter ] . He gave away a lot of things and sold some others . Maitreya took his car and headed for Denver , Colorado . That was the only place where he knew some people . It was being impressed on him that he had to go to Denver , that the goal of his life had already been planned for him , that he has this mission to fulfill , and that he is not going to get his doctorate . Also , during this time of intense realization , the four parts of The Holy Word , which is also called The Holy Name , The Word , and the mantra that we have in the Mission , started being revealed . Maitreya 's mantra started changing to The Holy Word , which really the pronunciation is what the Hebrews knew and said , " Don 't utter it . " That is why if someone tried to utter it , he would be stoned . This was not because they didn 't want that it be uttered , but because you cannot utter it . It is not possible to utter the Holy Name in the physical world . It is a very etheric thing , it 's from the Consciousness ( God ) . Maitreya said , " OK , I 'll go to Denver . They know me , I know them . " From the very first trip to Denver he knew that this city had some relationship with his life . He went to Denver and started subtly and slowly to reveal to them that this is even more expanded than what they already have , " So they are surely going to join me , and help me with this . " However , as usual , God had another Plan for him . On the third day of his stay in Denver , Maitreya was working on the Koran and was isolating those parts that seemed interesting . He was sitting in a room and was reading , and this person from Ananda Marga ( Maitreya said , " This crazy guy , a wonderful man but we never connected really that strong , but we were aware of each other 's presence ) suddenly burst into his room and said , " Hey . " He didn 't like to say he really needed something . He wanted to see how Maitreya feelings were , " Hey , do you want to go to this mountain ? There 's a good place called Shamballa Ashrama . Do you want to go meditate there ? " [ laughter ] . Maitreya said , " Well , I 'm sorry , but I 'm writing right now . I don 't think I am going to go , you go by yourself and tell me how it was . " He left for half an hour , Maitreya could hear him going upstairs and downstairs . They were the only two people in the house that day . Eventually , he again burst into Maitreya 's room and said , " Come on , let 's go . It 's a good place and I want to go . I don 't want to go alone . " Maitreya was getting tired of writing , so he said , " OK , let 's go . " He just put everything away and they went . They got into this man 's car . He had one of those old cars with a putt , putt , putt , type of engine [ laughter ] . They drove all the way , around twenty miles south of Denver and they went on this dirt road and went to the mountain in Sedalia ( or something like that ! ) , almost in the middle of the mountain . The place was called the Shamballa Ashrama , or the Brotherhood of the White Temple . However , when they arrived there , they only found an office with the secretaries . When they went in , there was a nice office and a couple of very pedicured secretaries sitting in their chairs , and these two hippies were walking in [ laughter ] . The secretaries were just shocked . They jumped from their chairs , " What do you want ? " This hippie - looking guy told them that , " We came here to meditate . " One of the secretaries said , " We don 't have any place to meditate " [ laughter ] . When she heard this request , she just handed some information to them and almost pushed them out of the office . While they were driving back , Maitreya picked up the information the secretary gave them , and started looking at it . In the list of their literature they had a booklet called , Maitreya , Lord of the World . Maitreya said , " Hey , wait . Let 's go back there . I 'd like to buy this book . " They went and bought the small book . Maitreya had never seen anyone have a complete book about Maitreya . He had heard the name here and there , but now here they had this book about Maitreya . He went there and bought a couple of these booklets from them . So apparently that was the whole purpose of what happened that day . It was to go there and see that they had this book . They began driving back home again and that was it . The whole purpose of that trip was to know that this was Shamballa , and they were waiting for Maitreya to come . In the book it was stated that there are only three books written about Maitreya , and this one is the only one in the West . It was the first book that had so much about Maitreya . However , somehow it was incomplete . In this book it said that Maitreya is a Western soul which is the belief of the Buddhists in the Far East . However , Jews and Christians are waiting for Maitreya to come from the East . That is why most of the people are expecting Maitreya to come from Iran ( Persia ) , because it is east of Jerusalem and west of Tibet . So Maitreya stayed with Ananda Marga for a while but it didn 't go very well because he was really out of Ananda Marga and now he had this teaching . Maitreya started talking to a couple of people and they became a little defensive about it . No one felt comfortable with him , and Maitreya wasn 't comfortable with them any more either . He was not one with them any more . Eventually he reached a point where he felt he had to move on . At the same time he kept bumping into these people called " preemies , " the followers of Guru Maharaji . He just kept bumping into them . They had a restaurant , and they had a grocery store in Denver . Maitreya had to buy groceries there because they had such good vegetarian things . So he kept seeing them and meeting them in street , etc . He even started knowing a couple of them . His followers were talking about The Holy Word , The Holy Name , something like that . Maitreya even started sharing an apartment with one of these people . Maitreya said , " OK , maybe these people have The Word . " Actually he was thinking about it as a Holy Name then . " If these people have it , then I am off the hook " [ laughter ] . " I can go away and say they have it so I don 't have to worry about starting the Mission . " So Maitreya started going to their meetings and tried to find out about the " knowledge , " or techniques . He was not interested in the other techniques , but only about The Holy Name . However , he found out that they expected him to proclaim that , " The Guru is greater than God , " and he does not believe in that . He said , " I cannot proclaim that . " So he became discouraged with them and withdrew . He decided to move to another place . He , however , was out of money but he was expecting to receive some money soon . But at that time he didn 't have any money . He saw this ad for a place for rent . The ad said that they were looking for someone who does not smoke and also meditates . So Maitreya went to this person who placed the ad , Rodney , and said , " Well , I would like to come and live with you . I don 't smoke . I meditate . But I don 't have any money right now , you will have to wait until I get my check . " Rodney said , " OK . Come in . " He was a very nice person , a very nice guy . Maitreya really didn 't expect him to accept ; he was just throwing a stone into the dark . And Rodney said , " Sure , come in . " So Maitreya moved in with him . At this time Maitreya heard there was a center called the Self - Realization Center ( different than the one started by Yogananda in California ) , and the person who was the teacher there and ran it used to be one of the Mahatmas , one of the teachers of Guru Maharaji . He gave the same " knowledge " and mantra to his people but he didn 't expect you to believe that the Guru is greater than God . So Maitreya said , " OK , I 'll go there . " He walked to their center one morning and knocked on the door . He met with one of the members . After a while he was asked , " Why don 't you come Thursday night to our Satsang ? " Maitreya said , " Great , I will . " So he went to the Thursday night Satsang . They sat and they gave Satsang , and they meditated for awhile . Then Maitreya decided to go . When he was leaving suddenly this lady with these two big black eyes started running after him and said , " Would you like to come next week to our dinner ? " Maitreya looked at her , such beautiful big eyes looking at him . He already knew her . He said , " Sure , I will . " That was Maitreyii . After that first Satsang , Maitreya came back that night and he told Rodney that he was going to marry that girl [ laughter ] . Rodney said , " What ? Are you crazy ? You just met her tonight . You 're not going to do that . It is not proper . We don 't do these things here " [ laughter ] . Maitreya said , " I don 't know if it is proper or not but we are going to do it . " Because the feeling was so strong , the connection was there , there was no doubt about it . So , Maitreya started going to this center . There was another person there by the name of David Lunbeck . He also became attracted to Maitreya . A lot of things started happening to the center . It started falling apart . Two weeks later , Maitreya received the mantra and the technique that Guru Maharaji and those people had . And it wasn 't It . Their mantra was different than The Holy Name , although that was what they called it . Actually the holy name they gave him was the same that Ananda Marga had already given him . So it wasn 't The Holy Word . Now we can understand that the whole process of Maitreya meeting preemies was to guide him to the center in order for the Mission to start . Meanwhile Maitreyii ( the lady whom Maitreya said to his roommate he was going to marry ) started seeing Maitreya in her third eye and started having some spiritual experiences about him . So did David Lunbeck . One day Maitreya took her to the park and said , " Well , here it is . This is The Greatest Sign . This is the Mission that I have to do . Would you marry me ? " She said , " Do I have any choice ? " [ laughter ] . Maitreya said , " No . " She said , " OK " [ laughter ] . And that was it . Now Maitreyii and David both moved out of the center to live with Maitreya . They started living together in a small house . Maitreya started writing about The Greatest Sign , and the book THOTH started forming . He was writing , revising , and re - writing it over and over again . Maitreyii had to type it , retype it and type it again , but she loved doing it . She typed the book many times over . They didn 't have a computer then . It was just a very old typewriter that she used . It was not even the IBM selectric or electric type , it was just a manual typewriter . That was a pain [ laughter ] . But she did it . She just kept doing it , and doing it , and doing it over and over again . ( Maitreyii says , " But it was a wonderful way to learn the teachings ! " ) Then they moved from that house to another house , a big house in Denver . It was a big five - bedroom house . They stayed there for around six months or so . At this time Maitreya was writing the book . By now all the mundane things of life were taken care of for Maitreya . Now he could concentrate on writing what he had received . He would go to the mountains during the day and write THOTH . It was then that the writing of THOTH started . They moved from there and ended up eventually in the mountains . They rented a big house at the top of Denver , in Indian Hills . So he didn 't have to drive to the mountains any more . He could just stay home and write . One week he decided to work intensely on The Greatest Sign because It really wasn 't perfect yet . So for one week , almost day and night , Maitreya worked on The Greatest Sign , drew it , re - drew it , changed it , revised it , etc . He would bring it out to the sitting room and show it to Maitreyii and Dave ( his spiritual name was John ) , in different colors . One day it was finished , it was a Sunday about two or three o ' clock in the afternoon and it was sunny outside . There was a big window in the living room that you could see the whole mountain in front of you . The Greatest Sign ( the old One ) was always hanging in that window so they could sit in the sitting room and meditate in front of it . He brought the new Greatest Sign out , and put it on the altar . The moment he did that , a cloud suddenly came up . It started raining , and then big hailstones came down , then the sun came out again , and there was a big rainbow right behind The Greatest Sign . It all happened very quickly . There was no doubt in our minds . These were signs from Heaven . We said , " That is it , " and from then on we continued with The Greatest Sign we have now . After a while they went back to Denver . But in Denver the air was getting bad , it was becoming very polluted . Denver is like a bowl , there are mountains all around it and Denver is surrounded with them . Really the wind doesn 't get to it . It just goes right over it . So any pollution that is there gets stuck in this bowl shape . The first day Maitreya had come to Denver the name Albuquerque popped up . It was the first day , actually , a few minutes after he had entered Ananda Marga . He was sitting in the Ananda Marga headquarters when someone came and said , " The truck that was in Albuquerque and was supposed to bring some fresh fruit and food from Albuquerque to Denver , had an accident . " And it was coming from Albuquerque . Maitreya didn 't pay too much attention , but that was the first time he had heard the name Albuquerque . Then , when they decided to move somewhere else , they started reading that Albuquerque 's air was considered to be good . It was in the Denver Post that , " Albuquerque 's air was very good . There is no pollution there , there is always wind to take away the pollution . " Eventually an opportunity opened up for them to move to Albuquerque . Maitreya said , " Let 's go to see what is this Albuquerque . " So Maitreya and Dave decided to visit it for a few days . One of the things they didn 't like about Denver was that it was very cold , especially when you lived in the mountains . And it was humid , so the cold was really colder , it would get to your bones . So they drove to Albuquerque . They came here , it was sunny , and it was warm . It was beautiful , and they just loved it . Maitreya said , " Well , it sounds like this is it . We will move here . " So they moved to Albuquerque . This was in 1981 . THOTH had not been completed yet , but The Greatest Sign was ready . It was in the spring of 1982 that they put some ads in a few magazines proclaiming that , " Maitreya is here . " People started coming to the Mission , asking them if they were the ones that Benjamin Creme was preaching about . They answered , " Who is Benjamin Creme ? " They were told , Creme is the person who is saying Maitreya will announce Himself in the spring of 1982 . That is exactly when Maitreya also reached to humanity and announced His Presence to the world . Maitreya told them we do not know this Mr . Crème . Actually , after a while , he thought probably it is the same energy that inspired Mr . Crème to announce Maitreya 's presence on earth . That is why they ( the Mission ) sent a couple of invitations to Benjamin Creme to come and join the Mission . Some other people also have told him about us . He hadn 't found his Maitreya yet , nor answered the call to him to join us either . It was then that the people started coming and the Mission started getting in touch with a lot of New Agers , a lot of them . They just flooded the Mission . How many came ? 300 - 400 people . They just kept coming and they brought the Keys of Enoch , the spaceship brothers , crystals , channeling , etc . It sounded like God had shielded Maitreya from all these things , so far . Maitreya didn 't know anything about these things before then . Actually it was after The Greatest Sign was perfected , and after THOTH and the writings were finished , and after everything was ready to go , that suddenly these people came with this new consciousness that he had no idea about . Of course , they looked good , they sounded good , " That could be , there is a possibility others live in the universe , why not ? " If the human lives on the Planet Earth , there is the possibility that other consciousnesses also live somewhere in the universe . It wasn 't all bad . There are a lot of good things in them . They had a lot of truth , like everyone else . The rest , you probably know what happened . A man in Florida ( David Bent ) saw our ad , He sent Maitreya a letter . Maitreya called him . He called him back and that was it , they were connected with the people in Florida . Then , of course , David Bent knew Ananda Ma , and got you guys in touch with us . Then Maitreya met Darlene and Dottie in Toronto . Maitreya almost got hit on the head by Darlene [ laughter ] . So , we got in touch with Florida and we got a letter from a person from Canada , Jean Hudon . We got in touch with him . Actually , David Bent , Jean Hudon , Mary Lamb , Elaine Powell , and a couple of other people wrote letters to Benjamin Creme about , " Maitreya is here in Albuquerque , " and all of that . And even Elaine was , I guess , one of the first people who introduced Benjamin Creme to the United States ( that is what she told us ) . She was close to the people around him . She took THOTH , went to California and presented it to the Tara Center there . And they were rude to her . She was very upset about that . So we went to the Planetary Initiatives , and we had a lecture there . That was the first time personally that Maitreya reached to the world . So Darlene and Dottie were the first people who met Maitreya in the external world . Then , of course , Maitreya went to Jean Hudon 's and stayed with him for a month . It was then that he wrote The Light , to go along with The Map , The Master Plan For Planet Earth , which were put together as a booklet , The Plan . It was written because Jean complained to Maitreya that , " You have only The Master Plan For Planet Earth , it doesn 't have much of the spiritual part of the Mission . " Maitreya said , " OK , I will write it for you . " Maitreya wrote The Light in one afternoon , in a couple of hours . Jean typed it , put it together , and published it in three days . Now , as you know , almost everything has been revealed and is ready . Now we have to " call them that are bidden to the wedding . " Now is the time to invite others to join us and let them see the truth that we have here . We should share this knowledge with those who have made themselves ready to enter the Kingdom of Heaven , as is described by The Greatest Sign . Internet news junkie , bustling online # VintageBling merchant , sporadic yet passionate news blogger , blunt essayist , nature photographer , truth seeker , avid backyard gardener , blues harmonica virtuoso [ and a grrl at that ] , thoughtful Cherokee shaman , Jesus follower . Newly arrived at neither Left nor Right , but thriving high above Center : variously amused , inspired or impervious to it all . Go figure . Seek me and ye shall find me . I 'm always around . : - ) I 'm on Twitter @ CherokeeBluetp . View all posts by Screenshot → This entry was posted in Maitreya Antichrist Imam Mahdi Dark Messiah Research and tagged false messiah maitreya biography , maitreya born in tehran iran . Bookmark the permalink . ← Kathleen Keating Report from Rense . com in 2000 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Pond Life is another Derbyshire story , set in Ambergate , which is where I grew up . That end of the Cromford Canal , and the Ladybird book which shares the story 's title , were part of my youth , as well as the narrator 's . My grandparents had a farm beside the canal , and like many children my interests were elemental , and the farm provided access to all four . There was an open fire , which fascinated me . Plenty of water in the canal , and the countryside itself provided amply in terms of air and earth . The Ladybird books in Nature Series 536 really were my favourites , too . Along with Pond Life , the seasonal What to Look for quartet was amongst my most cherished boyhood reading , along with British Wild Animals , British Wild Flowers , and Butterflies , Moths and Other Insects . This was the start of a lifelong love of natural history writing , and alongside my rural upbringing primed me for the poetry of John Clare . There 's a darker side to the natural world , and our relationship with it , which should not be ignored , but I do think it 's important first to establish the connection , and I remain indebted to these Ladybird titles for their part in my young life . As with most of my stories , Pond Life has links to my novels , in this case both The Wood Road North and the second one , which I 'm still writing . Characters from the fringes of the novels pass into the stories , and more central characters from the stories appear in the novels . There 's also an overlap between the stories themselves , perhaps a separate narrative to which even I 'm not entirely party , just yet . But a hard drinker called Mark turns up again here , as he did in Belper 's Many Taverns and The River 's Bride . This story hints , albeit gently , at some of the wider themes in my work as a whole : nature and the countryside , reluctance or refusal to engage with the everyday world , the flow of water , and the power of alcohol . There are also family considerations , and the senses of place and belonging . The Ladybird book Pond Life has helped the narrator to construct his identity , and he turns to his advantage any suggestion in the phrase of backwater insignificance . Everywhere is a backwater , for somebody . I got the keys for the shop two weeks before Christmas . The landlord trod out his cigarette on the frosty pavement and gave me the tour . I 'd already had a look round with the agent , and since the back room was still full of all the old fittings , I explained again that I 'd need this space for stock , boxes and so on . He said if I wanted any of those old units to let him know . He 'd get the rest taken away and stored . Since my first visit I had hoped some of the cabinets and shelves might work for my jewellery and ornaments . Most of my capital was tied up in stock , so I was sharp - eyed for potential savings . Long ago this place had been a drapery and haberdashery . The shop was L - shaped , originally having been two separate businesses owned by the same man . The insurance broker on the corner of the Saturday Market was unconnected , but they had bought the frontage after that first owner sold up in the early 1970s . Afterwards the place had sold dressmaking and knitting supplies , finally standing empty for over a year until I took over . The landlord left me there and I stood a quiet moment , alone in the premises of my business - for now . I needed customers , and fast . There was a lot of hard work ahead , and I could have done with getting in a week earlier , but now I had to get open in time for Christmas . On the Sunday night , after a weekend spent kitting out the shop with my fittings and half of the old ones , I met up for a pint with Bryan at the Moulders Arms . Work was getting worse , he said , although he had to admit he was grateful enough still to be working at all . I told him about the shape of the shop and my security concerns , how I was going to need a camera or two , even if they only looked the part . He said he 'd get his son to call round . Jamie worked for a security firm . Then Bryan remembered the story , or at least that there was one . ' Fellow who owned those shops was obsessed with the woman from the smaller place . Thought she was in love with him , although she was happily married . It was a local scandal at the time , but I don 't know how it all came out . ' He finished his drink . ' I 'll ask my dad when he comes for Christmas dinner . ' I smiled , having in recent weeks become gently obsessed with a woman myself . The house that backed onto mine had been to let for some time until one evening I noticed the lights on . Over the following weeks I found the lady of the house to be fonder of lights than curtains or blinds . I 'm barely middle - aged , but I felt like a dirty old man as I let myself watch her , although it was more a case of taking an opportunity , being grateful for what was offered . I didn 't even know her name , let alone whether she knew or cared that I was peering from the darkness of the spare room . Maybe I wasn 't the only watcher . I couldn 't see into the houses either side of me . But it looked as though she lived alone , because I never saw a husband or lover , nothing to inspire envy . She was a quick dresser , and quicker at undressing , as though the house was cold . Maybe she should have spent more on heating than light , but I wasn 't complaining . Her taste in clothing was what you might call retro , and I 'm pleased to say she saw that through to the level of underwear . This made me think perhaps she did it on purpose , was an exhibitionist or whatever it 's called . Do modern women wear suspenders and stockings unselfconsciously , not with an eye on the attention they 'll attract ? Karen never had . But this lady took them off as I watched , removing next the big white laceless bra and deep hip - hugging knickers , before bedtime or her bath . Her hair was pinned up and unfussy , probably shoulder - length if she let it down . She was of old - fashioned stature , with a proper bust and hips , not the boyish ideal of recent years . There 's no glamour to skinny , no allure for me . And yet that was how Karen had tried to make herself during the last years , running every night , even after the gym . I could understand her wanting to be fit , but the more she did the more she hated how she looked , it was never enough . And when I told her she was fine already she looked at me with contempt . I wasn 't lying , but at some point her new life stopped involving me , so what I thought didn 't matter . She left me for a man she met at the gym . He was divorced and owned a business . Well , now so did I . Admittedly a lot smaller , but it was mine , and all that remained was to get ready and open . ' I 'm not open yet , ' I called to the man who appeared inside the door as I bent behind the counter . ' But if you see anything you like I can let you have it . ' He made no reply , so I rose to face him , catching a tweedy glimpse of suit and waistcoat before looking into his moustached face . The dark of his pupils spread rapidly under my gaze , and he was gone , vanished into nothing . I held on to the counter , thinking I must have stood up too quickly , been working too hard . Skipped lunch , should have eaten . And it couldn 't have been anyone , or I 'd have heard the old bell when the door opened . People passed the window and their pale winter shadows crossed the wall inside . That must have been it , just someone looking in . I told myself I 'd do another hour , and then tomorrow I would open . Back at home I ordered a pizza delivery and opened a beer . Along with the old shop fittings in the back room I had found some old box files whose possibly interesting contents I would investigate this evening to the sound of the radio in the living room . I would also keep a lookout for the cherished moment when the lights went on over the fence . The first file contained several copies of the Hull Daily Mail from the 1960s which I put to one side , and a number of photographs taken inside the shop years ago . I saw the glass - topped counter that now housed my jewellery , and behind it rows of little drawers for buttons and things . I was using those for storage in the back . The same balding man frowned from most of the photographs , but one showed a dark - haired woman in a crocheted dress standing in front of a different counter . As I stared the pizza boy rang the doorbell , and I put the pictures in a little pile . I 'm a tidy sort of person . As I ate , keeping my greasy fingers away from the old prints , I decided to buy a few frames , put up the pictures as talking points in the shop . Then perhaps if someone was interested they 'd tell others , who might stop by for a look and leave with a purchase . As the beer and pizza went down I indulged in dreams of the shop 's success , allowing myself to become locally celebrated , but drawing the line at having Karen back . I closed the empty box and with immaculate timing the lights came on opposite . Another beer from the fridge , and I took myself upstairs to watch . At nine in the morning I opened and saw brisk trade at the stalls on the Saturday Market for half an hour before my first customer came in . He browsed without buying , avoiding my eye , and leaving as I attended to a cheery man who spent over a hundred pounds , testing my new card - machine skills whilst obliging me to keep an idiot grin off my face . And it carried on in much the same way until half past four or so , when things slackened off . But what a start ! I would have to order more stock on Monday , but had enough in the back and at home to keep trading until it arrived . I hadn 't planned to open on Sunday , but revised this in the light of today 's takings and the season . I 'd get a couple of days off soon enough , and afterwards they 'd all be looking for sale bargains . I had anticipated this and bought in some pieces for the purpose . On Saturday night I ordered a curry and looked through the rest of the box files , whose contents included empty bobbins , patterns , and a great many catalogues . Catalogues for wool , for buttons , and - to my joy - a whole box full of fifties and sixties lingerie brochures . These vintage items could fetch a pretty penny from the right sort of buyer , but I was going to have a good long look myself first , if I didn 't keep them . I told you I was partial to the way women used to dress , and this whole experience stirred such childhood memories . My mother would take me to shops like mine had been , and I breathed in the rich aroma of the places , saw the haughty elegance of the mannequins , then as now at odds with the shapes of real women . Crouching in my shorts , I would touch the plate glass between little me and the contents of the cabinets . Now I had the keys to some of those cabinets , but I still spent longing hours peering through glass at the object of my desire . Christmas was on Thursday , so once I 'd converted another few hundred pounds of stock into cash on Sunday I was optimistic for the short week ahead , and resolved to order even more stock tomorrow . Outside in the dark afternoon I locked the door and was reaching up for the shutter when I saw a young woman standing inside the shop . Like a fool , I had and shut the place up with a customer still browsing . Hoping she 'd see the funny side , I fumbled open the door and strode into the shop , making all sorts of apologies , to where she stood at the end of the counter . She was short , petite and gloved . I couldn 't say how old , because her hat covered most of her hair and the shop was in darkness . She said nothing , but raised her head , looked into my eyes , and disappeared , just like the man had done . This wasn 't a shadow , unless it was my own , cast by the street lights outside . But I didn 't believe that . Nor did I believe that people could just fade away like that , or appear real if they weren 't . The mind had greater depths than science had plumbed , I was sure , and so that 's what I told myself . To everyone else I said nothing . At home I had the comfort of my alluring neighbour opposite , now the one constant in my life . How I might get onto friendly terms with her remained uncertain , yet I was increasingly sure that with our shared taste in ladieswear ( mine stoked daily by the glossy - thick pages of those engrossing catalogues ) we could share far more together . First , I needed to get through three days of trading without being driven insane by vanishing figures . They did their best . I put down the telephone after placing my order on Monday morning and rushed to help an old woman reaching for a lead crystal vase on a high shelf . ' Allow me , ' I said , and startled , she looked at me . I heard her draw breath , I swear , but she was gone . I placed the vase on a lower shelf and put the kettle on . Trade was slower that day , but picked up on Tuesday when I supposed more people were off work . My delivery arrived mid - morning by which time things were so busy that only with difficulty could I restock the empty shelves , between customers . Lots of cash , for some reason - I had to shut for ten minutes in the afternoon , to visit the bank . When I returned , to a shop of whose emptiness I had assured myself before leaving , a middle aged man in an apron was sitting behind the counter in my place . This time I didn 't look in his eyes , glanced around him , watched his balding head turn to follow me into the shop and back again past him , saw the big fabric scissors in his right hand and there in his left a Gossard catalogue from 1965 , exactly the same as the one back at home in the box . I looked at his face and he left me , his lost mirror image , the keys in my left hand , the paying - in book in my right . At about ten on Wednesday morning , Christmas Eve , just as I was closing the till , a policeman put his gloves on the counter - I saw them clearly - only to dematerialise when I looked up . This time it was different , because I wasn 't alone . There were two customers in the shop , a mother and daughter by the look of them , and as the solid dependable copper atomised into nothing before me I saw them behind him , through the space where he had been , and the daughter was looking at me as though nothing had happened . Possibly I stared back too hard , as she expressed a desire to leave , but happily not before her mother had spent sixty pounds on her card . ' The woman went missing , ' he said , ' after complaining to her husband about unwanted attentions from the shop owner . The police had him in for questioning , but there was never a body and he denied everything , so they had to let him go . It broke him though , and he died soon afterwards . ' My face must have saddened at this , because Bryan asked what I was doing tomorrow , said if I was on my own I could come to theirs . ' Looking forward to a rest , ' I told him . ' Been working hard . ' He didn 't know how hard . Today had proved that I alone could see the vanishing figures , but at least I saw them only at the shop . After Bryan went home I stayed and had another . Thus encouraged I went via Tesco , having decided to introduce myself with a bottle of wine . No idea what I was getting , hardly drank wine myself , but I tried to get something nice , spent ages thinking . Women like white wine , don 't they ? But white needs to be cold , and there was no time to put it in the fridge . Red , then . Paid nearly ten quid , it must be love . Happy , I sang to myself as I walked home . As soon as the lights went on I set off round to her house . Only took a couple of minutes , even though I had to go back for the wine . There was no answer when I knocked on the front door , and from this side all was dark . I noticed the To Let board was still up , an oversight presumably . Never really came down this road . Between the houses I could see the light escaping around the blind in my kitchen as I walked down the side passageway to the back garden . Untended for months , this was a bit of a state , but the lawn was lit through the open curtains and I strode , taking my moment . The living room was empty - literally empty apart from the carpet , curtains wide at the patio doors . Nobody there . Next along was the kitchen , with a door half - windowed in frosted glass , and the window . I saw her standing there in a green mini - dress , reaching to open and close a cupboard door , taking out nothing , putting nothing back . The white kitchen surfaces were bare under the glare of the bulb . As I raised my hand to knock she walked through to the living room and I moved back that way to see her cross the carpet and touch something that wasn 't there against the far wall . It was feeling very cold out here now . She turned again , walked the length of the opposite wall and smiled against the window , looking past me . I stepped out , holding up the wine bottle and grinning back , but still she stared , clearly seeing something I couldn 't . Every inch real , with a shadow and everything , not like those others , the watchers , the things I 'd imagined , believed . I could see the shape of her underwear through her skirt , and a place where the paint on her toenails had chipped . She was there before me , just glass in between . I could have watched her forever , but that wasn 't enough . I got right in front of her before she straightened and put her head on one side , all mute . I could hear no sound from inside , and very little out here , until I tapped the glass and she jumped like a waking sleeper . With a look of horror she stared into my eyes , then the blackness spread , the lights went off , and I was alone in the dark . I couldn 't say how many childhood hours I spent on my stretch of the Cromford Canal in Ambergate . Probably fewer than I remember , but as time passes the important experiences seem to choose themselves , and they 're hardly ever the ones that took the longest . According to my memory , most afternoons I could be found under one of the two bridges nearest to Chase Road where my parents lived , or somewhere between the far one and the end of the canal , messing with nets and jars , looking for water snails and caddis fly larvae or fascinated with a ram 's horn snail . The Ladybird Book of Pond Life was my guide in this important work , and with the willow tree 's shade on my bedroom window I would study the text and illustrations , checking off the plants and animals I had seen , staring into the pictures of those I hadn 't . Oh , to have found a hydra , that spindly green freshwater anemone near the back of the book ! I thought I could find anything in the canal , it being just a long narrow pond , bigger than any other . Everything ought to be in there somewhere , surely . There were lots of dragonflies , but although they must have been there I never found a dragonfly nymph down in the water , such a scary thing it looked in the book . There were innumerable frogs and toads , plenty of spawn in spring , a few newts , whirligig beetles and hover flies , as well as some good - sized beetles in the pastures along the banks , but they were in a different book from Series 536 . Those were my favourites . Some of the local boys went fishing , but I didn 't like the dark Amber water or the eddies where it joined the Derwent . I suppose I was younger than my years , as well as shorter . When I started to go there on the bus , the lads at school in Belper were interested in music , in clothes and girls and football more than all the dreamy pleasures I would take in my surroundings , the beautiful valley . I couldn 't see it then , that I was different and rural , but now it 's all over my memories of Belper and school . So instead I think of the countryside , the holidays , the sunshine and the herby smell of hay from the fields around our house . After the Chase Road bridge over the canal you can walk for a little way along the towpath , looking over the broken walls and fields to the River Amber and the viaduct . Then you reach the place where the water just pours away , or at least what overflows does , the canal itself isn 't flowing at all . You can walk around it , the path carries on but the canal 's gone . They cut it all away for the gas plant , my dad said . That was where they used to put the smell in the stuff . Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that . Halfway there a black metal bridge over the water carries a great thick pipe from which a big drip would fall every few seconds , washing the towpath back to its pebbled stone . As a lad I ran under it , or waited for the drip and timed my walk . I think the pipe takes water from the underground reservoir up beside the woods . The other way , northwards , the dry gritstone walls run low , waist - high to me now , between the towpath and the farm , with the railway embankment behind it . Then on the right , over the canal , the woods begin , looming over the water most of the way to Whatstandwell , the next station up the line . At the same time the wall becomes taller and mortared with the big house hidden behind , ivy curling around the ever - closed door set into the stonework , so that here , before the next bridge which marked the extent of my young towpath , the water had its own dark valley , sheltered and quiet . Like me . We haven 't had so many restoration attempts on this bottom end of the Cromford Canal . You might call it a backwater , if canals have those . I 've always been concerned about the effect on the wildlife of dredging out all the mud and reeds and habitat , just so people could chug their way down here and back in boats . I needn 't have worried . Every few years we hear it 's all going to be opened again , dredged and made ready for the tourists . That 's what I like about this place : nothing ever changes very much , or at least not very quickly . Two men would walk past along the canal some afternoons . They parked near the substation on Chase Road and came up by the bridge under which I would lie on the towpath , chin over the stones of the canal 's edge , the arch shading the water from the sky , skimming the light from its surface , letting me see to the bottom where no plants grew . The surface still worked , I learned . It was still gathered tense against the air above , glid across by waterskaters , and water boatmen clung at the underside . Crickets sounded from the parched grass by the drystone walls behind me . All this insect life ! Those two men knew about wildlife and the countryside , especially the older one . They would stop to ask what I had found , what I was looking for , then they went walking in the woods . I was afraid to go up there alone , and scared to ask if I might go with them . I wasn 't supposed to talk to strangers . As I got older , I would go up the path through the woods with other village kids at the weekend or on holidays , took a picnic lunch up there sometimes and ate it in one of the fields between the trees . That must sound like something from another world , long gone , now . That 's how it sounds to me . But it 's all still there , and not very different . It just took a while for me to see how unchanged it remained , after I went there with Shaun and Mark . They came on the bus from Belper and we set off from my house along the towpath to the second bridge , up onto the road and over it , through the field to the stile at the top end and into the woods , up the long steep path . I loved the woods , the smell and sound and sight of them . It was like stepping into another of my Ladybird books , or something by Enid Blyton ; at least that 's how they were to me , not to those two . The way they spoke made me think they would have preferred to be alone , so I felt I was tagging along , an inconvenient younger brother , despite being their age . Clearly they knew it too , because we had barely reached the top of the woods when they left me , and I had to go back home on my own . I was hurt and ashamed . They hid , or just walked off when I was looking at something . There was a lot more to see in the woods , especially if you could be quiet and watch . They wouldn 't do that , had to be breaking sticks and throwing stones . It was the wrong way to behave in the countryside . I would have been fine , but after looking for them and before I set off down the sandy path again I shouted , ' Shaun ! Mark ! ' and listened for them , called again , listened . Nothing , just the sound of the woods in the wind , pressing close around me . It was worse than being alone . I felt cold danger poisoning the air . By the time I got back down to my canal I had been running most of the way , all sweaty wet , hot and bothered . I should have stayed under the bridge to look for fish instead . There were pike in there , pencil - thin ones . I waited , my breathing slower shaded in the coWe grew apart as we got older , but we still saw one another at school and I used to have the odd drink with them for a few years afterwards . They didn 't stay on in the Sixth Form . I don 't even think they took any ' O ' Levels . Living in the town they could get to pubs easier than me and their parents didn 't ask so many questions , weren 't as protective as mine . I used to resent that , but now I 'm here again in their old house I know it was better for me . If only Mark 's parents had been the same , or Shaun 's . It was terrible , what happened to him . He always had an unhappy look about him as a boy , but the last time I saw him , stumbling across King Street from the old laundrette , he didn 't recognise me , his face was just … nothing . No expression , no feelings . He was already gone . I went out with them one final time before I went off to the Poly . They came on the bus to Ambergate and we went in the Hurt Arms , then the White House where they started an argument over a game of pool and got us thrown out . I didn 't even play pool myself , I liked to sit in the other side of the pub . So we walked to the Fisherman 's Rest and Mark saw someone he used to go out with , which put him in a terrible mood and started him drinking really hard , as hard as Shaun . I was a long way out of my depth with those two , and I didn 't want to learn how to stay afloat in that much drink . I met Suzanne at the Poly , where she was doing Art . She lived in Nottingham and seemed impossibly worldly to me . I couldn 't believe she wanted anything to do with me , but I 'm very happy that she did . Those days seem a long time ago now , but they made a difference , made me confident enough to get through life pretty well , and I 've been working at County Offices for twenty years now . Sometimes I let myself imagine what retirement might be like . I 'm nowhere near wanting to stop work yet , I just like to know it 's all in order . Living back here feels right , although I waited until Mum was on her last legs before suggesting it to Suzanne . But it was what she wanted too . The picture I 'd painted of growing up in this countryside , by the canal , had been so fond and rich that she 'd started to feel as I did , missing something she 'd never had . Now she paints it herself and sells a lot of her work . It 's better than I ever dreamed , and I only wish our children had been able to grow up here . I 'm happy that Andrew and Rebecca didn 't resent us being the same with them as my parents were , keeping them in at night , making sure they did their homework , giving them hopes and aspirations . They should do a lot better than either of us now , both got good jobs and opportunities ahead of them . One of the Directors at Dyer 's seems to have taken Andrew under his wing . You need to work hard to achieve your aims in life , but at the same time you can 't underestimate the value of luck . Rebecca and her husband Martin live in Sheffield and we see them often . Martin likes to walk , always wants to set off on one when they 're here . I 'm glad to go , but he 's not like me , which is presumably what Rebecca sees in him . He 's not so interested in the details , more in landscape as a spectacle . He goes rock - climbing , canoeing , sees the countryside as a thing to be overcome , not something of which he 's a part . I bet he never leaned over the stones at the edge of a towpath to look for water snails . But I 'd happily spend the afternoon doing just that , even more so now . I 'm here again , the canal 's still here , and we 'll both be waiting for any grandchildren who might come along . Perhaps one of them will be like me , a quiet little thing interested in the margins and what goes on away from the crash and clatter . Between us , we might even find that hydra . Commentary : The River 's Bride This story was published last month by Nailed . The title of the piece is taken from a line from the unrecorded Belper song cycle which I composed in the 1990s . There are connections to my novel The Wood Road North which I won 't spell out too clearly here , plus a character who appears in Belper 's Many Taverns , another story from this collection which is already here on WordPress . Let 's start , like the story , with the dog . My family had a taste for Jack Russell terriers , but Rex is a combination of the first two larger dogs that I knew as a child . One neighbour had an Alsatian called Rex , of whom I was encouraged by my parents to be frightened . Another had a boxer called Jan , a very pleasant creature . I didn 't really connect these thoughts until I started writing this commentary , which might serve to demonstrate how the memory access enjoyed by the creative spirit is far more complete than that afforded to the everyday conscious . Mrs Barber is a confection of the old folks I knew , or was related to , during my youth . The broken biscuits and rock cakes , the tea in china cups when there was company of any sort , and the frank , blunt expressions of opinion . I recently moved to an old house where we could have real fires , and the richly nostalgic smell of a room where coal has been burned still takes me back to those signifiers of life in a different age . In a new and possibly unique feature , I would like to announce a competition . Anyone who knows Belper and its history might be able to guess what the other children used to call old Mrs Barber . There 's a signed copy of The River 's Bride for the first person who supplies the correct answer by way of a comment . Commentary : The Stoat I nearly didn 't write this one . Had no intention of lowering myself with a ' spooky tale ' for a competition , even at the suggestion of a friend and fellow writer . I was serious , literary and uncompromising , right ? But then I finished work for the festive period in December 2013 , relaxed a little , and early one morning woke before everyone else in the house with an idea , or the start of one . The narrator of The Stoat has a little in common with me . We both enjoy pubs and beer , and I once had a girlfriend like Fiona . Like him , I moved to Beverley after a rural youth in another part of the country , but I have never owned a dog . In what will no doubt become a recurring theme in these commentary postings , one of the pubs in The Stoat is no longer in existence . Soon after I wrote the story , the Oddfellows Arms became a residential development . The others are still there , although I haven 't been to the Sun Inn for a while - supposedly Beverley 's oldest pub , and my local for my first 15 years in Beverley . But I have never been to the Stoat , because it isn 't real . Or at least it only existed in my imagination until the story was told . For years , my wife and I shared a standing joke about how we had moved to the town just too late to enjoy a warm welcome and foaming ales at a disused old property a mile or so outside the town centre , which we fancied would have made a great location for a pub . Its name didn 't come right away , and I 'm not sure whether I can really remember how it became the Stoat , but that 's what we used to call it . The end result differs from the rest of my work , but there are similarities , too . The pubs , the beer , the broken relationships and communications from the Beyond . Wherever that might be . By this time I had a second novel to write , and more short stories linked to both of the longer works . But the following year I wrote another seasonal tale based in Beverley , which I shall post here in December . On the morning of Christmas Eve , Fiona packed her things and left me . She 'd done it before and come back , but with fewer things each time . Given the date and her awareness of train times from Beverley to Hull and on to Leeds , some advance planning had been done . So I didn 't plead with her like all the other times , just watched her fill two bags and a case , and then gave her a lift to the station . There are only so many times someone can leave before you lose interest in whether they 're coming back . I 'd done that last time , in late summer , when she walked out for a fortnight . She returned almost before I could feel the change , but it was done . Fiona could feel it too , although she 's more bloody - minded than me and stayed on for four more months . She couldn 't hurt me now , and that really got on her nerves . We used to have grand pot - smashing rows , so now she had them on her own . I couldn 't even be bothered to argue . Perhaps she was frightened , because I was starting to hurt her with my indifference . There was no option but for her to leave , and as I drove back alone I was happier than any time since the summer . It was almost Christmas , I wasn 't back at work until the second of January , and there was snow on the ground . Not much snow , just the weekend 's smattering , but late December had been cold and dry so the frosty fields around the town were white as I set out to buy myself a Christmas present . I knew what I wanted , and how things were going to change . One pair of Hunters later I walked home with a big cardboard box gift - wrapped in a bag under my arm . The dog could wait until January . I wouldn 't have trusted anyone who might sell me one on Christmas Eve . Back at home I planned my Christmas . No visits to Fiona 's shallow friends , none of whom she was going to miss back at her parents ' house . No waiting up for her to return from an ostensibly work - related evening at three or four o ' clock in the morning , and no rows . I 'd play music , drink wine , ring the friends I 'd neglected for her , and maybe drive down to see my own family , between Christmas and New Year , having pretended all was as normal until then . No point upsetting my mother , even though like most people she didn 't exactly get on with Fiona . There was too much food for me to eat tomorrow , so I thought about cooking the lot and taking the excess to Brian and Cynthia across the road . They struggled , but kept struggling , and reminded me of my grandparents . Of course Fiona thought they were imbeciles and resented my helping them out , but - you know what ? - I 'd spent enough time thinking about that selfish young lady and right now , right now I fancied a beer . It was six o ' clock . Dark , but still early . I had a shower , took a second shave like I used to years ago , chose a shirt and some decent jeans . I walked out onto Norwood and made my way into town . Before leaving I had called Jamie to ask if everyone was going for the customary Christmas Eve drink . I 'd not been to the last three of these , and this year he hadn 't bothered inviting me . Sounded a bit awkward at first , but said he 'd be in Nellie 's with Phil and Steve at about half seven . That gave me half an hour for a pint in the Durham Ox after which I 'd meet them . There were some regulars in the Ox and I ended up staying for another half , but if Jamie was running to form they 'd be late anyhow and either way I 'd catch them at Nellie 's . Lots of people were out , dressed bright and colourful , tinsel in hair and laughter cracking across from the bus station as I crossed to Ladygate and entered the gaslit pub . Should have mentioned that . Everyone calls it Nellie 's although it 's really called the White Horse , which is another story . Back in this one Nellie 's was jammed . I wriggled through the rooms upstairs and down , in the back , out in the yard , by the real fires and under the gas mantles . No sign of them . I looked at my phone : ten to eight . Maybe I 'd missed them . The battery was also under half way . Too late now , should have charged that . Stood outside in the crisp air and called Jamie . He answered , distorted through pubchatter , saying full , gone to King 's Head , see you in the - I think he said the Angel , before it cut out . No point buying a drink at Nellie 's , so I walked through the illuminated town to the Angel . Rather less rooms here , but again no sign of the lads . Never mind , I was having a drink . They 'd get here . The guest ales were nothing special , but I was determined to have a decent time even alone , and ordered a pint of the Elven Ale . ' You sure ? ' asked the barman . ' Not selling much of this . They say it 's fairy 's beer . ' Told him I 'd have a pint anyhow . Nearly five per cent , half an hour since my last drink . Two blokes left and I took one of their stools , my coat on the other , telling the askers the truth : I was waiting for my mates . Who didn 't turn up . I was getting the message , but it was Christmas Eve and I knew plenty more people in Beverley , even if I hadn 't seen anyone familiar since the Durham Ox . I nursed the drink , very nice for ' fairy 's beer ' - tarry and warming . I hoped I 'd find something similar in the next pub , wherever my feet took me . They took me to Wednesday Market , but a DJ yelled over the music in the Queen 's Head . I stood at the roadside : Highgate and the Monks Walk , or Eastgate and the Oddfellows Arms ? Well , there was a name for me tonight . The Oddfellows was half - full , and I was delighted to find the Elven Ale on offer again . As I ordered a man standing nearby tapped my shoulder . ' Good choice ! ' he boomed , bearded and stout . ' It 's on capital form ! ' Pleased to find I wasn 't the only fan , I paid and turned but he was gone . Moved faster than he looked , I chuckled to myself , settling into an easy conversation about overspending , waste , debt and the rest . Of course we all knew better , us strangers talking in a pub on Christmas Eve . I left when they suggested a game of pool . The beer was nice , but I wanted to try the Sun Inn , which was my local when I first moved to Beverley . Since then I 'd been promoted , bought a house , done everything except settle down properly . But now I would settle down into myself , and if the lady came along so be it . If not , just me and the dog . I held open the door of the Sun for two leavers and worked my way inside . Waited at the bar long enough for one of the barrels to be changed . Folk musicians played and people were singing along . Served at last , I asked what they had that was dark and strong . ' Pint of that please , ' I said , and watched him pull it . Beside the window I spotted the large bluff chap from the Oddfellows , waving from his table . He pointed to the seat opposite and I joined him , buying him a pint of the Elven on the way . ' Not sure , ' he admitted , ' but they have it all the time out at the Stoat . I 'd never heard of a pub called the Stoat at all , let alone in Beverley . ' It 's on Long Lane , ' he said , pointing past the Minster . I thought my way along the country road and shook my head . ' It 's easily missed , ' he confided , ' like a lot of sweet things . But away from the town there 's still a warm welcome , for those who enjoy one . ' He described the place in such detail that I was resolved to go there even before he stood to take his leave at the end of the pint . ' Perhaps , ' he said , ' but in case I don 't see you I 'll leave you the price of another drink . Don 't want to be in your debt . ' I protested , he insisted , he left . I finished another half and set off on Long Lane , which was well - named . A few coy corners , and then one stretch of gently veering unlit narrow countryside that had me singing to myself for company as I approached the light ahead , half a mile past the last house - or what I would call half a mile , being a country lad . More like a mile to a townsman . This must be the Stoat . The cold bit my face , numbed within from the Elven Ale , and I hoped there 'd be a seat close to the open fire my new friend had described . I wasn 't afraid of the dark , but jumped as the white shree of a barn owl sounded nearby . I looked but couldn 't see the bird . What I could see ahead was the Stoat , clearly visible now as I came the last two hundred yards . Outside and in , it was more like a farmhouse than a pub , but as described : a great log fire with benches around it , figures seated and standing , and warmth in the flagstones underfoot . Voices welcomed as I stamped my feet inside the door , and a rich , familiar speaker sounded from the fireside . ' Evenella ! Drink for our young friend . ' There sat the bearded man last seen in the Sun , beaming in the firelight . I sat opposite him and Evenella brought me beer in a straight - sided glass . I tasted and stared . She was a strange , regally beautiful woman . Hard to guess her age , but not more than thirty and probably younger . White blonde to the eyebrows and lashes , face narrowing under her mouth . Lips a little thin perhaps , but - ' She 's a special lady , ' said my stout companion , ' and I see you 're quite taken . ' Before I could deny it he called out ' A toast to the Stoat ! The one becomes the other ! ' ' Is there anything else ? ' I asked . ' Spirits maybe , or something to eat ? ' There was laughter in the room and Evenella touched my shoulder at the neck , fingers gently squeezing . I woke , painfully cold and on hard ground in the coming light . There was sky above me , clouded slate - grey , and damp brickwork at my side . Stiff to the joints , I tried to stand , and hessian sacking fell away . I was fully dressed , coat , boots , hat and gloves . Surely now the hangover would stoop from above and finish me , but nothing came . Only cold , crystal cold in my face , feet and hands and a damper cold beyond shuddering deeper inside . I stood swaying in what must have been a stable or something . Ahead the main building was a ruin , with Dangerous Structure - Keep Out signs and corrugated iron to discourage the unwary . I walked around the house , surely never a pub , and got out through a gap in the fencing , snagging my jeans . On Long Lane I could see the Minster rise from the mist and started my aching way for home , looking back only once at the Stoat . Clear head notwithstanding , I must have drunk far more than I remembered , given all the other things I thought had happened . Was I still drunk , or was there something in the Elven Ale ? The town was deserted , curtains still closed and only a few lights showing . At the end of Walkergate I passed a rough sleeper in his waking stupor on the bench . Feeling his pain , I reached for my wallet to give him something . I had spent nothing at the Stoat , but the memories ran over me . I handed him a tenner , then another . He stared at the notes , smelled them and I walked away , sensing now , and more strongly back at home , that I stank . An animal scent , pungent as fox or cat , but neither . Everything I wore ended up in the bin . The bath was very hot , but I needed it and lay remembering . The fireside , the nuttysweet beer and the bed in the back room with Evenella . Her voice , high and cool as we undressed , and I noticed she was not entirely blonde . Quite black , that little tuft . I lay in the steaming water , exhausted , bewildered and grateful . The bells of St . Mary 's were ringing and in the bedroom I could hear my charging mobile pulling down missed messages as I fought the urge to sink through my dreams into sleep . I haven 't seen the bearded man since then , or been offered Elven Ale , but I walk past the house on Long Lane with Ellie , my spaniel . Someone bought the house and started doing it up , yet until recently I never saw anyone as we passed . Then one clear October morning there was a woman with short red hair and a baby girl at her shoulder in the doorway . I looked where she stood , and there were the old worn flagstones . ' Yes , ' I nodded , wondering if she meant the house or the baby , probably both . ' Are you by yourselves ? ' I asked . She was . This morning , a year after the story started , there was a card through the door , handwritten and unstamped , with no postcode . A woman 's hand , wilful and spirited . Inside a winter landscape blank of festive message , but with an invitation . The Nailmasters : Bill Smothers The Nailmasters are one of the two folk bands which appear in my novel The Wood Road North , and this performance is one of the few artefacts documenting their existence outside the text . Here we find singer Bill Smothers accompanying himself on the song with which he shares a name . This was recorded at the band 's secret studio in 2001 , and tells the story of a hopeless drinker in the grip of forces greater than himself . I 'm having a crisis ! This face isn 't mine . So you 've seen me drink lager ? I used to drink wine . The stars of my future shone down over me until I couldn 't say what the future might be . Now the black clouds gather round here . It 's blowing like rain and it will do , I fear . But the rain and the pain fall again and again around here . This rotten pub was a filthy old hole when I first started drinking , a decade ago . I 'd never considered I 'd ever come in , but I still wasn 't trying so hard to fit in . Now the black clouds gather round here . I 'm crying my troubles out into my beer , but the ale is available late , if you 're regular here . This is the house where my grandparents lay , and where I 'll more than likely be laid out one day . Bill 's poor old mother lives under a cloud , and although it 's a dark one , she 's stubbornly proud . Now the black clouds gather round here . I 'm living in Belper and living in fear of the shadows that follow me , waiting to swallow me here . |
The kids played in the sprinkler a lot today . It amazed me how long they were able to stay in those sun rays . I was watching them from any shady spot I could find ! Sebastian is getting really good at our generic " Slip n ' Slide " . Unfortunately the water line that keeps water spraying on the mat ripped today . Unfixable . Sebastian thought the whole thing was trash . Nope , now you just have what I had as a kid ( minus the inflated landing area ) ! Now you set the hose at the top of the mat to keep the mat wet . Everything breaks here . Today I dropped my phone ( which has happened over a THOUSAND times ) . The screen broke into a million pieces , as if a semi had just run over it , when it had really just landed on the kitchen floor because Mommy had too much crap in her hands . Our broom snapped in half the day before yesterday , no joke . So yeah , get to me by email . My phone still works but is mighty dangerous . Scott cut his finger on my phone screen tonight . I 'm sure as heck not holding it against my face ! ! I 'm not ignoring your texts & calls . . just email . So far I 've only contacted one parent - inviting their kid / s over for a play date . They aren 't able to do that for another month though . Gotta get Sebastian someone to run around with over here ! ! I 'll write some others tomorrow . Judah progress was about the same today ? Still repeating words people say - clearly a lot of the time . He didn 't seem to understand some directions I gave him like , " Close the door " , " pants off " and " bring me your bowl " . He had 2 enormous poops . I had a break . I desperately , sorely needed one . I just needed some time to myself . Unfortunately this time was spent adding check marks to the growing to - do list , but at least I was doing this stuff with no interruptions & no noise . I 'll take that break any day . Thanks babe . Gramma is going to have a book signing on Aug . 1st . She gifted me a copy of her book . Otherwise I would have been ordering on Amazon . . did I mention it 's on Amazon ? That 's no joke ! Buy it here ! School for the Dead The kids were elated to see Gramma & Papa ! They stopped by on their way home from their big trip . They went to see how our garden was doing . Scott & I stayed inside . Minutes later Judah ran in to get me , pulling me outside to join . Soon afterwards he ran back in for Scott ! When we were inside , Judah requested his new favorite movie , " Finding Nemo " . He said , " Nemo ! ! " I told him that Gramma & Papa were here and asked him if he wanted to watch it for Judah or for Gramma / Papa . He said very clearly , " Gramma ! ! " He wanted to share Nemo with me as well recently . He was so intent on this that he held onto me so I wouldn 't leave his side while we watched it , haha . Willow was sorrowful to see Gramma & Papa leave . Woke up to pancakes this morning - thanks babe . Judah meds . DMG 125 mg w / Folinic Acid & Methyl b - 12 3 capsules in morning T showed up early this morning - we headed off to music therapy . Angie had some new techniques - used iPad to watch video of another kid he knows doing the scarf activity he was getting ready to do , swinging ( I held his feet , T his arms - he 'd never done this before ) , often giving him a choice ( jumping or spinning ) . He gave a clear answer every time - choosing the one I would have guessed he would choose , so obviously he knew what she was asking and understood the options . One of his best sessions . T 's daughters stopped by the house - it was nice to put faces to the little girls she sometimes mentions . 11 year old identical twins . I was really glad that T came for the music therapy . It gave us basically 2 hours of driving time to talk . And Judah always seems to do well with 3 adults focused & working with him ( like when Rosemary comes for his massage - he absolutely loves it ) . Bastian & I stopped at Trent 's yard sale . Everyone was present in Trent 's garage except Trent . His mom sold us a small table & chair for 3 bucks . T doesn 't think she can use the little chairs we have & wants to sit at Judah 's level to work with him . The table & chair I bought today aren 't light , nor heavy . But they are thick & somewhat weighted . I 've never seen a toddler / kid chair & table that doesn 't tumble over when you nudge it . Trent 's mom wanted to find clothes for Willow . She pulled out many different pieces of clothing for me to look at , but most of them had stains & only 2 or 3 were Willow 's actual size , haha . She was a sweet lady . . slowly going through piles of clothing . I told her to stop & she smiled & just kept casually laying pieces of clothing down on the table in front of me . Her daughter is the same - has a peaceful presence . . she sort of floats along , smiling . I bought Willow a jean dress that looked sort of 4th of Julyish for a buck , basically to be polite . I spent 2 1 / 2 hours trying to get Willow down tonight . I came into the living room afterwards to find Scott crashed out on the couch . I 'm the only one up ! Willow is the funniest toddler I 've ever met , like seriously . I 'd give good examples but I 'm too tired . Tonight I was carrying her to put her down and she said , " Goodnight Scott ! " Scott kissed her face & she giggled . Then she said again , " Goodnight Scott ! " Scott kissed her face & she laughed even harder . I think we did this 10 times if not more . Today she started calling everyone her " friend " . " This is my friend Judah . " she told me after we got home from therapy . " You 're my friend , Molly . " she later told me . " Goodnight Scott ! ! " Last night I promised Sebastian that they could do Play - Doh again today - pics below . Judah smashed many Willow & Bastian creations with his Thomas train . Sebastian made many different flavors of Play - Doh ice cream . Willow really enjoyed using the Play - Doh scissors & cutting out pieces . Sebastian would proudly hold up his Play - Doh creation and say something like , " My snowman ! ! " Then Willow would grab the nearest scrap or wad of Play - Doh she could find & hold it in the air , announcing the exact same thing . . " My snowman ! ! " Sebastian 's next line is always , " Willow stop copying me ! ! " Later Sebastian was singing the " clean up song " in Spanish . Willow began to sing along with him . " Willow will you please stop singing , you 're hurting my ears ! ! " Often when he raises his voice at her it 's something like , " WILL - OOHHHHHH ! " Man , she has it rough with him . Even T mentioned that to me today . Neither one of us can really figure out what 's going on there . T can step back & look at things differently though . . I 'm betting the real issue will pop out at her soon . T mentioned someone she knew who had 2 concussions . . which resulted in headaches & forgetfulness . . doc said she was going to have brain damage if the violence didn 't stop . I have headaches & forgetfulness . . ? ? Made me nervous when she told me that story ! T said she 's also had many of the same issues that we had with J 's school . And she was trying to work for them ! Everything was still top secret & policies trumped all . . every employee comes back at you with the mention of policies when you have any conversation with them beyond hellos & goodbyes . EVERY employee . Maybe they are robots . T said she will help with Judah 's bday party . This is glorious news . Judah usually requires the attention & strength of a few people during events like that . Remember graduation ? She will be a lifesaver for sure . She said she 'll even get there early ! Off to enjoy my " alone " aka , everyone 's asleep time ! ! Judah meds . DMG 125 mg w / Folinic Acid & Methyl b - 12 3 capsules in morning T was here half the day . When she told the kids she had to go home they were sad . " Really ? ? " Sebastian said . The kids all stood in the driveway waving & yelling , " Bye ! ! ! " as she drove away . In the beginning , I wasn 't worried about Judah getting attached to the person we were going to hire . This subject had come up because we were looking at college students for the job . They have crazy hours & could possibly come & go on a job . But I didn 't think he would become hugely emotionally attached to a person coming in to help him , and definitely not this quickly ! ! Honestly I think right now Judah 's siblings are the most attached to T . But he is definitely getting there . I wasn 't even out of the bathroom when she got here this morning - I make it to the kitchen & she has got the dishes stacked nicely in the sink & a pot of coffee going . She usually makes a cup of coffee for herself & one for me when she is here . She 's a sweet woman . . and very interesting , intelligent , and seems to have lived a pretty exhilarating life thus far . Very inspiring . Willow is just blowing sentences out of her mouth that are so funny & sooo creative ! Honestly most of the time I have no idea where her thoughts have originated . Willow too is very interesting , intelligent , sweet and definitely inspiring ! Today I told her that we were going to go to her room to get her shoes . She looks up at me and says , " Aye ! Aye ! Captain Molly ! " While I was on the phone this morning she started dancing around in her shirt that moved like a dress singing , " Molly 's house . . Molly 's house ! " Judah sat with me & watched part of a video of one of his past music therapy sessions . He was smiling , touching people on the screen , & saying " Mommy " when he looked at me on the screen . When I pointed him out in the video and said , " Judah " , he looked puzzled . I don 't think he knew that was him ! He 's really been checking himself out a lot in the mirror lately . We looked at old photos together today - he was much more interested than usual . I have no idea what he is thinking . While we were watching the video I asked him if he liked it and he said , " I like it . " Today was awesome for Judah - speech wise . I heard him repeating a LOT of what T said as they played trains . Most of the words he repeated today were brand new , some were very clear . I heard phrases , as well as appropriate replies & requests . He is often pointing out things he sees now & sharing them with us . . my stack of ribbons looked similar to an Angry Birds scene . He told me " Angry Birds ! ! " and then punched over all of my ribbon ( repeatedly , sigh ) . If he catches something small in view and wants you to see it , he will say what it is and show you in some way . He was able to hang out with T for probably an hour while I was out of the room today . Hopefully clinging to Mom is wearing off some . Judah & Willow have been fighting - hitting one another . Willow & Sebastian have been fighting - verbally . Ugh ! ! Tonight poor Sebastian was very upset & screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn 't get to lay down with Willow & I before he went to bed . After hitting me he was still going to be allowed to . After hitting Daddy . . we just couldn 't let him . He was hitting other things too - mainly the walls I think . I heard him punch our door as I tried to get Willow to sleep in my bed . It made me really sad . He was overwhelmed & frustrated . . which grew into being upset & acting out . . and didn 't seem like he could control himself after that . . then hitting and then something taken away that he really wanted . Scott handled it all really well . I don 't know what we coulSebastian & I did his " Tea " mailbox card . Apparently tea is ridiculously healthy for you ! It helps to ward off more danger than a knight in shining armor ! After learning about tea ( and talking about Gramma a lot ) , we attempted to make " tea Play - Doh " . What a disaster that recipe was ! The end result was definitely not Play - Doh . I 'm pretty sure we created beach sand , with a very rich smell of spicy chai tea . I skimmed a different Play - Doh recipe online & added a bit of their ideas - no measuring of course . Heating our concoction in a pan seemed to do something magical . I just kept adding , Sebastian kept kneading & eventually we called it finished ! He got out all of his Play - doh tools & toys & we sat on the front porch . . making a mess . ; ) Willow & Judah came out when I opened the door to head back in for the Play - Doh ice cream machine . They saw the Play - Doh delight . Willow jumped right in with big eyes . Judah said , " Yeah ! " and immediately started opening Play - Doh containers . Of course later he brought out a train to play out action sequences - incorporating Play - Doh as a large boulder that the train would run over & squish . He tried to form Play - Doh balls on his own - rolling the Play - Doh in between his hands . This usually resulted in a Play - Doh string rather than a ball . I showed him how to roll a ball & he kept practicing - never once becoming frustrated ! ! Everyone had a pretty fun time . It was a pretty cool mess & a pretty sweet memory . Oh ! Sebastian lost another tooth last night ( the one that 's always moving in a different direction - it 's been loose for quite a while ) . He put a pillow near his face , getting ready to throw it at Daddy . His tooth hit the pillow & fell out ! Like the last tooth , it was never to be found . The last one is in the backyard somewhere . Also like the last tooth , he was doing something he wasn 't supposed to be doing when it came out . He was jumping off of the picnic table after just being told not to when he lost the last tooth . Sebastian 's 2 front teeth are now spaces ( as well as laying around here somewhere ) . He looks so cute ! ! The lady working with Judah seems to be pretty much right at home here , which is great . Willow freaked out when T arrived this morning - she just wasn 't expecting her . But shortly after T was doing Willow 's hair & her doggy 's ! Before T left today I asked her if Willow had said her name yet . She hadn 't . I asked Willow to say T 's name , speaking it very slowly & clearly to her . She looked like she was coming up with the best response , as if we were playing a game . She finally made a sound , moving her tongue side to side in her mouth . I asked her to say T 's name again and she did the same thing , ha ! T & I were laughing pretty hard . She said that just made her day . I went to the doc this afternoon . She thinks the best thing to do , given my debilitating migraines & some other factors , is to see a neurologist . She gave me some samples of migraine meds to use until my neurologist appointment . I was also given a paper of exercises to do to help my back . I arrived home from my appointment to find Judah & T decorating the driveway with sidewalk chalk and Sebastian circling the yard on his bike . T & Judah had drawn a big train track on the driveway . Later I was in the garage with Judah & I asked him if he had been writing on the driveway . He looked at their driveway art and told me , " train track ! " Then he took me to the tracks & we ran them , ending up at the garage because of the downward slope at the end of the line . Judah is still clinging to me like crazy when T is here . It 's been a real challenge trying to get him to separate from me , which means he also isn 't getting as much one - on - one time with T as he could be . I would like to have the time to catch up on housework , and to play & work with Sebastian & Willow ! It 's a slow start for sure . Right now it feels like family , hanging out & having fun . Scott came home while I went to the doctor . This gave him a chance to work with T for his first time . Judah has been dancing & happy pretty much the entire day . It was really hard to get him to bed tonight ! I think all of the kids had a really good day . Today Molly 's back hurt really bad so I came home after lunch and watched the kids while she rested in bed . We think she hurt her back from sleeping in an odd position , probably from kids being in the bed with us . The kids for most of the afternoon were pretty calm . Judah and Sebastian built a track around the couch while Willow was watching Sofia the First . Everyone eventually went outside and played on the swing set and then the sand box . As I 'm sure everyone can guess , sand went everywhere . All three kids got baths and several shampoo washes , which they all hated . The rest of the evening seemed to go by quickly . Judah had his massage and went right to sleep . Sebastian seemed to behave better than the last few nights and also got a massage and then went right to bed . Judah meds . Probiotic 1 daily in morning Judah looked into his almost empty bowl of baby food & said , " Mommy ! Pig ! " He was showing me that what was left of his food was in the shape of a pig ! He thought that was great . Then he showed me his ouchie . I showed him mine as well . Mine was pretty gross though . He saw mine & said , " Ouchie . . " and as I 'm walking away I hear him say to himself , " Yuck . " hahaa . I turned around to look at him . He saw me & smiled , realizing that I had just heard him . ; ) Sebastian watered the garden in the early evening . Sebastian can 't do things like most people though , he has to spice them up , get creative & have fun ! He doesn 't care what other people think & kids ALWAYS enjoy partaking in his creative devices & ideas . We got the sprinkler set up in the garden . He decided he wanted to sit & watch it ( and get showered ) . He said he would need something for shelter - I gave him an umbrella . So he sat beside the garden in his camping chair , that we 've never actually used for camping , with a big black umbrella covering him . That didn 't last long . Soon the umbrella was upside - down and being used to catch water falling from above . Judah & Willow soon joined in - they were very curious as to why I kept going outside . They were barefoot . Willow had on a shirt & a diaper . Later she put on her Dora helmet because Sebastian had his bike helmet on . He was on his bike riding through the falling water & puddles of mud at that point . And Judah was relaxing in the camping chair , all you could see were his legs . The umbrella covered the rest of him and most of the chair . Willow laid on her back in the grass , being showered by the sprinkler & giggling . Baths immediately followed . Judah had a meltdown in the bathroom - he wanted to play trains , not take a bath ! Willow & Sebastian wouldn 't exit the bathroom & were being really loud . I think I had a nervous breakdown . Judah 's language & awareness was off the charts today ! We didn 't do his shot last night . I wonder sometimes how much effect B - 12 has on his progression . But it 's likely helping with physical aspects - and if you feel better you do better . If your body is working better , you are functioning better . Judah did very well at speech - repeating most of what Melinda said . They did associations - cat goes with milk , tree goes with grass , etc . First she asked him to match each one with it 's associated item . They went through them one by one . He knew none of them . Then she showed him . After they had gone through all of the pictures probably twice , he was able to match nearly all of them on his own ! ! Some of these were associations that Sebastian wouldn 't even know . I 'm sure much of it was memory for him , rather than actually processing how they went together . But who knows ! ! ! I was completely taken back when he started repeating words she said CLEARLY . There were 3 or 4 in a row , words he never says . . he repeated them , enunciating extremely well , one after the other . It was so weird ! ! It was also a moment of me inhaling every molecule of air in the room as my jaw dropped to the floor . I wanted to start video taping , but the whole session had been pretty interrupted . Judah had wanted me in the room from the beginning . Willow was soon sitting at the table with him , quietly playing with the therapy toys & showing them to her doggy . She would gaze at Judah & Melinda often , in awe of what was happening , since we never get to watch his therapy ( we always listen from the waiting area ) . Sebastian sat at the doorway with me . We colored . So I was trying to be as quiet & as invisible as possible , but present enough for Judah to feel confident that I was there , lessening the number of times he would turn around & check . Video taping his amazing progress was definitely not an option - he hates being taped or photographed . Through some of it Melinda sat behind him & held onto him - this was when Judah wanted to keep looking at me or come to me . I was starting to get uncomfortable with that . Nearing the end I sat at the table with them . Judah smiled & went right to work . Obviously I should have done that from the get - go , I was just apprehensive about what Melinda would think / do & what Sebastian would do . He refused to leave my side . Sebastian & I looked at the Starry Night painting in my bedroom tonight . I told him some about Vincent Van Gogh . He mixed in some of those ideas with things in his life . He told me that he always wanted his own world . It would be all kids . But there would be 10 year olds , because they could run the stores . And there would be kids as big as me that could have babies , but he would kill the babies when they were born . Then the babies would take the Mommy 's place when the Mommy died . ? ! ? I wonder if any of that is associated with how he treats Willow sometimes , just pickingI swear I didn 't sit down & relax until Scott got home today . Unfortunately this isn 't rare . We have got to find another person to hire " for Judah " . . & for Mommy 's sanity & a better life for all of us , but of course Judah would get the help he needs as well . When we got home from speech & errands we stopped at the house . Sebastian ran in , went pee & came back out to get his bike . The rest of us waited in the van . He took off for the mailbox . I drove after him , close enough to be racing , but far enough away for him to win . He checked the mail . Usually he runs home & I race him driving the van . Today he rode to the end of the street . I followed . Then we raced home . Oh my goodness he can ride fast ! ! ! I taught Judah the difference between an ambulance & a fire truck . An ambulance raced by & he said , " fire truck ! " I told him repeatedly , " ambulance " . He tried to say ambulance a few times . When we went by the fire station I told him , " Those are fire trucks Judah ! " He looked at them & smiled . " The problem is that soggy cereal . I think some of it landed on my heart . " Sebastian has had tummy aches off & on all day today . He started the day with a bowl full of Rice Chex crumbles . He happily accepted the bottom of the cereal bag as his breakfast . A few bites in & he wasn 't feeling so hot . He 's convinced it was the soggy cereal that landed on his heart . Scott laid a towel on Sebastian 's bed for him to sleep on top of . He handed him a bowl to keep beside him as well . Then he told him , " Try and make it to the bucket . Goodnight . " and left the room . Sebastian had his Nicolas play date today . They had a lot in common . They both like to pick up random nature ( leaves , flowers , etc . ) and take them home to keep . They are both fast runners & born just a couple weeks apart ( Nic is the older ) . They made a really pretty pretend fire ( pic below ) & picked some gorgeous flowers in the park ( totally not supposed to do that , haha ) . Gramma brought food for all to the play date . Willow stole my Diet 7 - up , half full , and finished it off . She enjoyed rolling around in the bark dust & swinging while Gramma pushed her . Judah followed the other 2 boys a lot , racing after them with no chance at all of catching up . He repeated probably half of what they said as well as talking on his own . They all played well together . Judah interacted with them very calmly . He would involve himself whenever possible if he was with them . And they were totally just kids having fun . I was basically hanging out with them just to make sure Judah didn 't follow them off a cliff or something - Nic & Bash were like rockets flying through the park ! Every time Judah saw a chipmunk at the park he would say , " Bee ! " and usually chase after it . He spotted them quick too ! He pointed out trees & said " tree " . The trees really intrigued him because they were so big & tall . He stood , looking straight up to see how big the tree was , with his mouth wide open & his balance coming & going . Judah told Gramma , " Wait ! ! " as she was walking away from him . He was also not feeling so great ( holding in what needed to come out ! ) , but he pressed on , playing as hard as he could . He did poop the minute we got home - racing to get through the door to his pooping grounds , the play room . Judah , Willow & I walked down one of the paved roads that runs through the park , searching for Gramma . Willow & Judah got pretty far ahead of me . When I told Judah two different times to change direction because Gramma was not the way he was going , he went the direction I asked him to & understood that we were heading towards Gramma . An older man walking his dog was headed in our direction while I was yelling for them to wait up . He snapped at them as he was walking by , " Listen to your mom ! You need to stop ! " Judah just kept strolling along - he didn 't even seem to notice . When the guy walked passed me he said , " They just don 't pay attention ! They don 't listen ! " I told him , " They like to run ! " and laughed . We saw lots of people with dogs while we walked that path . Willow approached two of the dogs . She didn 't pet either when the owners offered to let her . She just got really close to them . She acted like she was going to kiss one of the dogs on the mouth , but she didn 't follow through . Judah watched as baby sister put her face closer & closer to the dog 's mouth . He was getting nervous . Finally he pulled her arm towards him and said , " Baby ! ! " That 's what he calls her . He wanted to get her away from the dog ! I played one - on - one with Judah at the park a lot . When we were climbing a hill he suddenly stopped . Then he started to walk backwards , smiling and saying , " Wooaaah ! " That was pretty fun . He did some other creative things like that while we were there . While we were eating , he was sucking down a juice box . The juice ran out , so he flipped his straw over , stuck the opposite side in ( which was an " L " shape ) and was instantly able to get more juice . Smart . He requested juice later - and helped me dig through all of Gramma 's coolers . He rolled his piece of chicken into a ball and said , " Ball ! Catch ! " Gramma held out a bag for him to throw it away in , right as he was about to take a bite of his ball , haha . He decided to throw it away instead . He 's just started doing the , " Catch ! " followed by throwing something at me , always at me . I was just waiting for the chicken ball to fly across the table , aimed directly at me . He did spit water out of his mouth directly at me later though . Of course he waited to do this until I was right in front of him . Judah said " Park ! " very clearly when Daddy asked him about the park tonight . He came up to me and told me " shoes " , wanting me to help him take his shoes off . I did a very minimal amount and he did the rest . I was getting his dinner ready , trying to sneak some vitamins into his food . He came up & stood next to me , so I had to move on to doing something else . ( He 's becoming increasingly suspicious about his foods & smoothies , studying them a bit before he eats / drinks them . ) He patiently waited for his food & then he finally just grabbed his bowl off of the counter . He looked up at me very sweetly and said , " Thank you . " He seemed unsure if he should be doing this . . so he hesitated a minute and then said , " Bye . " and walked away , haha . I went to the eye doctor today . The doctor is going to dilute the eye drops I tried months ago . Those eye drops were a disaster ! He was pretty clear that I wasn 't going to try them again - especially after the crying . I had called their office numerous times over the past 6 months , sharing with them the terrifying experience I had gone through due to using their eye drops . I had been hoping for an answer to this problem - there had to be something else I could try , something else that would help ! I was told every time I called that I just needed to try the eye drops again & that there was no other option . I finally just decided to make an appointment & talk to the doctor who did my Lasik , face to face , which was today . And miraculously some headway was made , I hope ! Suddenly another option appeared - when supposedly he was the one who had been informing staff to tell me there was " no other option " ! I need to be able to drive in the dark ! The lights glare out at me like spotlights . Supposedly after you use these drops for a while your night vision can become good on it 's own , but there 's no guarantee of course . I think I may have captured a fun picture of the kids playing on the couch tonight - with all of them smiling & looking at the camera . ? ! ? ! Sebastian always jumps off the arm of the couch , diving straight into the couch . Tonight Willow followed his lead . She had never done this before ! Judah has done it before - he fell backwards off the couch doing it one time tonight ! Then got right back up to jump off again ! Judah went to the dentist . Scott had to basically restrain him ( that 's why he went in , not me ) . The dentist says Judah 's chipped tooth is fine . He says there is no need to mess with it unless it becomes painful or anything along those lines . It 's a baby tooth . . it will fall out eventually anyway . He did offer us the option of a crown to make Judah 's tooth appear less chipped . Which was basically offering us an opportunity to throw a good chunk of money to the wind . No thanks . Besides , with our luck Judah would lose that lovely crowned tooth in under a week . I asked Judah what he wanted to watch on television and surprisingly he said " Nemo ! ! " He 's never requested that . We recently recorded it on DVR . He really enjoyed watching it today ! We had been talking about that movie at the picnic table while eating lunch today . Judah was there - not conversing - but perhaps taking it in ? I told Judah he could use my phone but had forgotten I had promised Sebastian a turn . Judah waited patiently for his turn while I put away dishes . Sebastian came in & asked for the phone - I gave it to him . Judah had clearly understood all of this . He approached Sebastian & tried to get the phone & looked at me like , " What is going on ? " I gave Judah my laptop to use , which seemed to fix the situation . But it was just a solid reminder that he is completely aware & listening at all times ( just like Bash & Willow ) . The Nemo thing was another event that pushed that reminder into my brain as well ! Bash was up at 630 this morning . I know this because I was sleeping on the couch with Willow . I opened my eyes to see this tall kid climbing into our broken lazy - boy with our TV remote in hand . My first thought was honestly , " Who is this guy ? ? " My kids are growing up overnight ! Look at these photos ! ! Sebastian was very good this evening . Obviously this was because he didn 't feel good , but perhaps he will remember that tonight was much more enjoyable than the crazy nights ? We can hope . Daddy brushed his teeth for him tonight . Apparently Daddy only gave his teeth one round of brushing . Sebastian told him , " Mommy says you have to do it 3 times . " hahaa . Then Sebastian came to see me & said , " Daddy only brushed my teeth one time , not three . I feel like my teeth aren 't very clean . " He was very calm & just basically informing me . Then he was off to bed . We typically don 't brush his teeth but he was really feeling bad tonight . Judah was singing the theme to Thomas the Train as it played on my laptop . He hit quite a few words right on & definitely kept up with the song . I 've heard him say many lines from television right on the mark as they say it ( shows he has seen before ) . He says these words & phrases pretty clearly too ! Today I kept the kids all day while Molly was in bed with a migraine . We had a lazy day . The kids were in their pjs half the day and we had waffles for lunch ! Sebastian was very good in the morning . He played a lot with Judah and Willow . He tried to teach Willow how to play Connect 4 but I think she just liked putting the checker into the slots . He also played a lot of trains with Judah , setting up the track and letting him drive his new trains all up and down the long bridge he built . Everyone seemed to have a lot of fun After breakfast we went to Bush park . Sebastian rode his bike while Judah and Willow ran behind him . Judah now tries to keep up with Sebastian when we are at the park . He always runs behind him chasing him down . He has changed a lot in the last few months where he will follow my directions if I ask him to stop or come here . Today 's challenge was Willow . She did not want to be at the park at all . She didn 't want to walk , or have me carry her . She liked swinging but that was about it . When we got home everyone ate ice cream and then as the evening went on Sebastian started to get out of control . He got several punishments but the worst come after he hit me in the chest . I was going to take him to see the movie Maleficent but now he will have to wait until it comes out on DVD . I then explained to him that we don 't hit people , hopefully it went through . He says he does a lot of things because he is trying to be funny . Maybe we can try to focus on other things that are actually funny . Molly here - I just wanted to add some things that happened today . I was in bed . Judah & Sebastian came clanging into the room . Judah came over to my side of the bed and said , " Mommy ! How are you ! " Then he climbed up on the bed & sat beside me . He picked his nose , pulled out his finger and put it near my face . I started scooting away from him , giving him a disgusted look . He continued moving his finger towards my face . He said , " Mmmm bookah . . bite ! Mmmm . . chew ! " Where did he learn " booger " ? ? We really don 't use that word here . Then he went to the foot of the bed and made his way under the blanket . . popping his head out at the top right next to me ! He had a big smile on his face . I told him I didn 't feel good . He kissed my nose . I told him my head had an ouch . He kissed my head . He laid his head down and kissed my arm . So sweet . Willow laid down beside me & I put her to sleep . I asked her if she went to the park . I was excited to hear about it and she could tell . She kept telling me about about the swing . She told me Sebastian pushed her on the swing . I asked her if there were squirrels ( there usually are ) . Then she spun her finger around in the air , showing me how the squirrels ran up the trees . I asked her if she crossed the bridge and she told me yes . Around dinner time I texted Scott and told him I would try to help with Sebastian . I could hear Sebastian & Scott clearly from the bedroom , things hadn 't sounded good for much too long . I talked to Sebastian , telling him we could go in the garage & talk . I was going to talk with him about using his inside voice & have him draw pictures of things that upset him . I had a few different ideas on things we could do peacefully in the garage . But then I laid my head back down on my pillow & felt very much like I was going to vomit . Plans cancelled . Back to bed . This morning I took Judah to music therapy . At first he did well , talking and repeating . But it wasn 't long before he was a bit more into playing & having us help him do the movements instead of doing them himself . He was infatuated with the full length mirror Angie had left near the session area completely unintentionally . He would stick out his tongue & inspect it . He lifted his bangs so he could study his forehead . He squinted his eyes . Later he crawled behind the mirror , almost as if he was looking for the little boy he had seen in the mirror ? When she read the " Peanut Butter Jelly " book to him , he was sort of interested . But once she put it down he showed much more genuine interest in it , picking it up & carefully looking through the pictures . She put out the Hapi Drum and said , " Maybe you 'll play it & maybe you won 't . " She follows his lead a lot - which is really good . She picked up her guitar & started playing . Judah immediately unzipped the drum case , got out the Hapi Drum and started playing it ! Like the book , his interest was really there when it wasn 't expected to be , when he wasn 't being instructed to do it . She 's never done that before - set something in front of him and then just moved away to play music . He turned the Hapi Drum upside - down ( as he always does ) , put the mantle he was holding in the big hole on the bottom of the drum & pretended to stir . Angie said pretty much every child she has with his diagnosis does the same thing . She said , " It doesn 't even surprise me anymore . " When you play the actual drum itself , as you are " supposed to " , it makes a beautiful , almost mystifying sound . You would think that the sound would be the most intriguing part about this instrument , but not to everyone . Judah strummed Angie 's guitar ( as she held it ) really well today ! She always has him play that . He also played some pretty music on the piano with her . It was really neat ! ! While I was paying her she pulled Judah into her lap & got our her emerald green ukulele . Man that thing was gorgeous . She held it in front of him as they sat directly in front of the mirror . He played it a bit ( until I tried to sneak in a picture ) . Again , he was interested in the ukulele because it was not expected . . his session was over & now they were just hanging out . After I saw him enjoying sitting in her lap and checking out the ukulele , it finally clicked in my brain that he hasn 't been very responsive lately in his therapies ( while progress is easily seen at home ) , because he doesn 't want to do what is expected . He wants to be comfortable & do what he wants to do , which is obviously completely normal , especially for a 4 year old . But how do you create that experience when you are going to the same location , meeting with the same person , at the same time every week ? Teaching a kid through what they enjoy is important - his therapists do that , but his therapy is also very scheduled & somewhat repetitive ( which doesn 't always work well for Judah ) . I immediately told Angie the epiphany that had just happened in my head . Her thought was that maybe she could direct / instruct him less & sort of ignore him . So now we are driving to Portland , which takes 1 1 / 2 hours minimum roundtrip , once a week for a 30 minute session , paying someone to ignore our son . And we are completely on board with it . Try to comprehend that one . When we left for therapy Judah told everyone , " Bye ! Bye Daddy ! Bye Baby ! " Right before we left he had picked out the Sophia DVD as I was going through the DVDs with him . Willow had been begging to watch Sophia all morning . He found Sophia and brought it to the DVD player ! After I gave Judah his milk in the van he got out of his seat and said , " Thank you Mommy . " ( Willow does this too , I love it ! ! ) Judah is the only one who currently calls me Mommy . I think Willow is officially on Molly . Tonight I heard her tell Gramma , " I want my Molly ! " ha . The kids were with Gramma & Papa today . Sebastian & Willow picked strawberries with them this morning . They brought home twice what we typically buy in the store every week ! Dave said there is a lot of picking to be done where they went . I 'm thinking we need to go pick some blueberries & peaches ! Apparently it 's not too hard on the wallet either . After music therapy I took Judah across a few Portland bridges & we had a nice drive through downtown ( okay I was completely lost ) . We made it to the mall where I had planned on exchanging my boots . I will copy & paste what I wrote on my Facebook about this experience here : My 4 yr old loves escalators ! He was really upset when we had to walk by an escalator at the mall today instead of getting on it . ( This meltdown was pretty short - he understood we were moving on to another one after I told him ) We finally got to the escalator we needed , I saw him hesitate to get on but I wasn 't worried about it because he LOVES escalators ! I got on , holding his hand & a big open box with boots in it that I was there to exchange . " Mommy ! ! ! Wait ! ! ! Nooooo ! ! " I turned around to see him still at the very top of the escalator , he hadn 't gotten on ! ! He fell & rolled towards me . . I was still holding his hand , so I fell . . and rolled down a few steps . He cut his arm & currently has a big black mark by his eye where he hit his head on the black rubber railing . I had on a silky , flowing skirt that came so close to getting caught in between the steps . OMG . The guy riding behind us ( who obviously didn 't know how to talk to children ) was telling Judah ( as he fell ) " You 're okay man , you 're okay . Man . . you 're alright . " . . sounding just like Cheech , from Cheech & Chong . When we were leaving the shoe store , I asked the lady working there where the elevator was . She had no clue . She said , " I don 't know , but there 's an escalator right over there ! " I said , " We just fell down that escalator . . . where are the stairs . . " She looked so confused , lol . Judah is very much aware , very much with us & verbalizing in a way that confirms that . Today I could say , " Judah . . " and then tell him to look at something , etc . And he would ! When he wanted to tell me something he would say , " Mommy . . " and then say what he needed to ( sometimes I understood and sometimes I didn 't ) . When he was done with his bowl he handed it to me and said , " Here you go Mommy . " When I unstrapped him from his car seat he said , " There ya go ! " haha . He is saying " Good job ! " when others do things correctly - I love that one ! He is saying " You 're welcome . " when appropriate as well as " Sorry . " His level of physical affection was still pretty high today - which I don 't mind at all . ; ) I just found out my friend got her son enrolled in Victory ( a private autism school here ) . Tuition is roughly 2 grand a month . I emailed her as soon as I found out . . how in the heck did she do that ? ? Our boys are just months apart in age , with many similarities in challenges . Perhaps we didn 't seek out all of the venues we should have when we were looking at private schools for Judah ? " Wait for me ! ! Wait for me ! ! " Judah screamed as he tried to catch up . Rosie came for the massage . While we waited on Scott to get here , conversation sparked between Rosie & Talana . They had a lot in common ! It sounded like they traveled in the same circles . T 's instructor wrote a paper on QiGong apparently . I 'd like to read that . This morning the kids , T & I all walked / ran / rode ( sebash ) , up and down the street . Willow was so tired by 1pm - not sure if it was the new morning exercise or her sick bugs still lingering . We had lunch outside - Sebastian 's idea . The lawn guys came when we were almost done . He told me many times that he would wait until next week to do the backyard ( where we were ) . I told him many times that we could just go inside ! Pixie wasn 't helping any . He wasn 't scared of her , but she was sure protecting us ! Anyway , lawn guy won . He isn 't doing it until next week . T wants to smash the " go hit little sister " behavior that happens when Judah is upset . Plan A is for her to take him outside to play when she arrives . There is no Plan B yet . The kids were completely comfortable with T today . Judah was upset when she tried to teach him not to do certain things ( hitting , driving trains off the table ) . " Judah has gentle hands ! " That probably freaked him out since he never hears that here & there probably wouldn 't be much reason for them to be saying it at school . He still gave T hugs & played with her , etc . It was pretty apparent that he was upset mainly about things changing - and in a way that meant he had to work ! ! Cooper & Trent came around today . I explained to T that Sebastian wasn 't allowed to play with them & told her why . As I 'm telling her this we are gazing down the street at Cooper & Trent running around in the street . There was a dog with them . The dog sits down & rolls over ( obviously wanting to be petted ) & Cooper begins hitting the dog , many times . Eventually they made their way to our house , asking to play , asking to take Sebastian 's skateboard and ride down the street , not leaving the garage when I repeatedly told them I needed to close it . I told them " no " to their questions . Sebastian listing off ideas on how he would be able to play with them in the future wasn 't helping any though , mainly just confusing them I think . Sebastian bragged to them that he has gotten to go into the street recently - I think he was looking for them to accept him . Anyway , I told them that Sebastian needed to go inside . Sebastian asked if he could play with them now ( since they were at our house ) and I said " No . You aren 't allowed to . " Cooper & Trent looked at me as if they were going to say , " How dumb . We didn 't do anything ! You 're stupid . " But they didn 't say a word - until I went inside . That 's when they told Sebastian that they never want to play with him again because he asks his mom about everything . Sebastian came inside , looking sad but holding it together - telling me his ideas on how he could make them like him again . Oh my god I want to throw those boys down the street into a brick wall ! ! ! After Sebastian came inside , I told him that those boys weren 't nice kids & that he deserved nice friends , not kids that were mean to him . Eventually we were able to get off that subject - then he moved on to talking about the girls down the street that he had seen painting the fence today . He said he knew them & asked if he could play with them . I told him that it would be fine as long as they were nice to him . I told him that they had to want to play with him though - I should have said we can ask them & see if they want to play . ? ! ? ? ! Okay , NOW you can call me dumb & stupid . We 'll see what happens with the neighbor girls . I will email some of his friend 's parents about play dates as well ( those birthday invites will sure come in handy ! ) . I told him that a parent of one of his friend 's had emailed yesterday about the party , also saying they wanted to do play dates over the summer . Mom is also going to take him on a play date with a kid his age that she has connections to , lol . I picked up a Cars play rug for 3 bucks today . I handed it to Judah since he was basically crying out to see it . Willow got a hold of the other end of the rug & they tugged back and forth on it , reaching towards one another , trying to hit each other , nearly the entire way home . I was finally able to get it from them . A map of Radiator Springs is featured on the rug - with lots of roads to drive cars on & all of the original Cars characters hanging out somewhere in town . Sebastian was upset tonight when I sent him straight to bed after taunting Willow , telling her she wasn 't supposed to do things , teasing her , etc . During the day he had blamed her for many things that had happened ( none of which she had done of course ) . I talked to him about it every single time it happened , which obviously did nothing . But tonight I sent him right to bed after he started pulling her hair while she was trying to go to sleep . This was followed by getting in her face and telling her that he was going to get a knife and cut the little baby into pieces ( Willow being the baby ) . Thank god she didn 't comprehend that . Immediately to bed . After that , he was surprised & upset that he couldn 't get his massage . I don 't know where the horrid comment came from . He was messing around & being somewhat obnoxious , but then that comment flew in out of nowhere . I was extremely shocked . This morning a gallon of milk was spilled on the counter . I had it in a pitcher because it had been leaking from the jug it originally came in . Sebastian tried to pour it from the pitcher and the lid fell off , washing away into an ocean of cold milk . An hour or so later the bathroom flooded . The toilet was stopped up . Sebastian flushed it twice & then started plunging . . ? ? ! We have told them repeatedly that they are not allowed to do that . He screamed & T found him . . I heard her saying , " Oh my goodness . . " And then I was on my knees mopping up lakes of toilet water with old towels . I had just swept and mopped that bathroom ( at 2 in the morning ) the night before last whSo , eventful morning , lots of people here today , awesome Judah progress rides on . Scott couldn 't work from home . The kids all had lots of fun with T . Willow & Judah had to get in a couple more episodes of stressful chaos before the new day began last night . At a quarter to midnight , Willow woke up sick . Within the next 15 minutes , Judah woke up sick . They both had the same smelling vomit . I have no idea what they ate yesterday . Willow 's bed was covered , poor girl was swimming in the middle of it . Judah was able to make it to the bathroom in time , but I couldn 't get him facing the direction he needed to be . . instead he was facing me , so that was awesome . They were fine all day today . They woke up with temps & were sluggish , but eventually they shook it off & had a pretty decent day . Willow was still tired throughout the day , laying on the floor . She crashed out early . Another hot day . Sebastian 's mailbox card today was S for spread . I picked shaving cream art as an activity where he could do lots of spreading . I was hoping to do this outside - but the heat & bright sunlight was too much . It ended up being a garage activity . Willow & Bash really enjoyed it . Sebastian had blue goop all over his body . There was lots of washing off during & after that event . We probably went through 7 large rags while we were painting ! Scott took Sebastian & Willow with him to drop off our gigantic bedroom TV . Someone actually wanted to buy that thing ! Of course , it was dirt cheap . I really didn 't think anyone would buy it though . After all , you won 't find one single television under 30 inches on the market that is impossible to lift . My bedroom may have been the last place left to come for that . ; ) Not to mention the flat screens & HD that TVs have now ! . Do TVs even come without a flat screen anymore ? ? I wouldn 't know , I live with Scott . I 've had that TV for probably 10 years - an old landlord left it for me when I moved into one of his townhouses , which was nice because I had no TV at the time . I used it for years . It was usually hooked up to a DVD player as a means to listen to my Cd 's . Goodbye old friend , I 'm glad you never landed on my foot . Judah had a crazy , incredible day . This morning he turned around from his seat at the kitchen table and said , " Mommy ! Catch ! " Then he threw a Rice Chex at me ! He also threw a handful of rocks at me today ( at my face ! ) , which was not so awesome . I was about a foot away from him ! He was basically talking with his siblings for the most part today . Every once in a while I would look over at Sebastian with my , " Holy crap ! " face on . For some reason Sebastian didn 't seem to be that shocked about his brother answering his questions , it was as if this had been happening all along . ? ! ? Judah jumped up from the table while he was in the middle of eating his lunch . He went to the hallway closet , opened the door & pointed to the top shelf . I asked him if he wanted a blanket or the dog toy . . I didn 't what the heck he would want from up there . Then I spotted the yoga mat & pulled it out . He smiled & grabbed it . He wanted a massage in the middle of his lunch ! ha . He has NEVER requested a massage before ! When he knows it 's massage time he will follow you around , waiting for his massage . But this was nowhere near massage time ! Rosemary comes after lunch time - she used to come twice a week & is now once a week . I wonder if he was missing her ? I don 't think so though , he 's been very physically affectionate today . As soon as I laid out the mat he jumped onto it , landing tummy down , ready to start his massage . He was even humming during parts ( which meant he was enjoying it ) . He hummed when I had my face pressed up against his . I told Sebastian to stop throwing pillows at Judah & Judah came up and gave me a kiss , ha . He 's given me lots of kisses today . He 's actually been doing the " thank you " kiss for years . Judah also said , " Mommy , come on ! " when he wanted me to go in the house . He said something like , " Mommy let me have it ! " when I had something he wanted & I wouldn 't give it to him . It was strange . All of a sudden he was vocalizing things that I know he has been trying to for years . And it all came so naturally . He didn 't show an ounce of surprise or excitement about it . It was as if he had been doing this all along . The strangest thing - When Scott , Willow & Sebastian left to drop off the TV , I stayed at the house with Judah , so he could do his painting . The other 2 had already done theirs . Willow was very involved in Sebastian 's painting experience , in an uninvited sort of way . I thought it would be best if Judah had some space away from others for this . Knowing him , he wasn 't going to partake in this event if the other 2 were trying to help . He enjoyed the shaving cream ( step one ) . The second step , 4 minutes later , was the paint . Suddenly his interest was completely gone , vanished ! I kept painting , hoping he would become curious & return , but no such luck . He just wanted to go in . He stood at the door & waited for me , showed me that he couldn 't turn the knob , tried to pull me away & was even verbalizing that he wanted to go in . So we went in . He went straight to my bedroom door & stopped , as if he was hesitant to enter . I told him to go in & I followed . He looked around the room ( which had just been jumbled around due to the TV leaving - we had to make a gigantic pathway ) . He spotted a box underneath a pile of clothes & a stack of folders . He pointed at it . I got it out & he started to open it . This box was not labeled - it looked like any other cardboard box . This box contained the last 2 brand new trains that Meemaw & Granddad had sent . We had been giving them to the kids slowly , as rewards mostly . We had kept the box hidden . I have NO IDEA how he knew . He opened it up and grabbed his trains , with a big smile & bright eyes . He had waited for everyone to leave , played with me for 5 minutes & then he knew it was time to get those trains ! hahaaa . Seriously ! I really do think this was planned ! We 've had those trains for days . . he 's just been waiting for the moment he could get to them ! He got to play with them without siblings around for a while - which I 'm sure he relished in . Judah was playing on the couch with one of his new trains . I said " Train track ? " and took one of the new trains to the playroom to play on the track . He looked up , " Train track ? ? " and ran to follow me , haha . Sebastian convinced me to do his massage tonight . He said he doesn 't feel relaxed after Daddy does it . After I did it tonight he said he still wasn 't relaxed . He had an incredibly difficult time trying to stay somewhat still during the massage . I asked him very seriously , " Do you think you aren 't able to stay still ? " He didn 't answer . I kept him distracted by having him count with me , that helped some . I gave Talana the day off . Well , sort of . Since the kiddos were sick & Bash was with Gramma , I told her that I was fine without help today . I didn 't think the kids would do more than lay around . I was completely wrong about that ! I really wish I wouldn 't have told her she didn 't need to come ! ! She will be here tomorrow . Warming Up Today was Talana day ! She 's a worker ! She spent time with not only Judah , but ALL of the kids - getting to know each one . Sebastian was a bit nervous around her at first & stayed outside . I told him he could go play in the play room with T , Judah & Willow and he told me that he probably shouldn 't be doing that . A while back I had explained to him that someone was going to come work with Judah & that he & Willow would need to let them have some time & space together . He 's a rule follower ! I assured him it was fine & he went to play with them . Poor Willow . T suggested she step out of the room because Judah kept hitting her . Willow seemed to take it the wrong way at first - as if she thought she was doing something wrong . If it were ME advising her to leave , she would have deliberately thrown something at Judah or hit him , she would have done the complete opposite of what I was asking & would have enjoyed every minute of it ! So it was strange & a little sad , to see that reaction from her . She got over it in a millisecond though . Judah hit Willow many times today . He really wanted the solitude of phone & TV a lot today - but I was hardly allowing it at all . He got mad and ran to hit Willow many times today over this . At one point I told him he could use my phone & set it up for him . Then he got side - tracked & forgot he wanted to play on it ! I looked down to realize he had never even taken it out of my hand , haha . I got some nice one - on - one time with Sebastian while Willow napped . Sebastian & I walked down the street & checked the mail . He was very excited when I let him cross the street on his bike & ride down the opposite side of the street . Riding in the street ( even if it is just crossing the street ) is a very big deal to him . After all , Trent & Cooper ride in the street . . of course they are older and of course they give him a hard time about it . We spent a lot of time outside . Garage repair guy came & fixed the garage door - it opens & closes like butter now , very smooth . ; ) We did chalk art on the driveway , Judah ran in the yard a bit , Sebastian rode his bike a lot today , etc . But it was really HOT - I had the kids outside in spurts , I couldn 't take it . . . because I 'm from PHOENIX , haha . I guess I 've outgrown the skill of living comfortably inside a fire pit . I need to set up a work area for Talana - she will be closed up in the laundry room ! It was the only spot we could find that had most of what was needed , which was no distractions , a door that closed , space away from everyone that they wouldn 't need to move through & room for a table & chairs . Judah progress was phenomenal today . Either myself or Sebastian told him to say something today . . like " Thank you . Let 's go . " It was two separate thoughts . Judah said them back in a different order ! At times he will now say things that I ask him to say , but in a different way , using a different word , etc . , This definitely makes it valid that he is processing , not just repeating , and most definitely using his language skills & creative thinking ! T & I are going to try & come up with a solid day routine for everyone . She brought card stock to make the picture cards . I showed her the computer program I have . She said she is going to install that same program on her computer & print up some of the pictures tonight . We 're starting with a very basic schedule , covering only a fraction of the day & using a minimal amount of pictures . Then of course we will expand over time . I 'm excited ! ! A schedule has NEVER worked for us . This is definitely a fresh start though . We also went through the papers that Judah 's school speech therapist had sent home . They were filled with ideas on ways to work with Judah . I may work on those tonight . Tomorrow the plan is to GET OUT . Sebash really wants to go to the park tomorrow , but he will be with Gramma when Talana is here . T told him we would go to the park tomorrow if he didn 't get to go tonight - which he didn 't . The rest of us will still go though . I may need to buy more sunscreen ! haha By mid - day the kids were comfortable with Talana . Both Judah & Willow jumped up & down yelling , " Bye ! ! ! " & waving as she left , haha . Sebastian , mister social , strangely enough , was the only one who had a bit of a challenge accepting her role I think . She bonded with him through teaching him about can labels he was cutting out for school . She knows Spanish - there was a little bonding there as well when she saw all of the Spanish homework posted on his walls . She also used to work at Buttercup ! And he got an added bonus today of having one - on - one with Mom , which doesn 't happen often enough - not intentionally , but it 's just the way our life has ended up situated & needs to be changed . So overall , still a good day for him , different , but still really good . Bash was good for the most part this evening . He sprayed Daddy with air freshener as soon as Daddy walked through the door , home from work . He was kind of obnoxious while brushing his teeth & was loud for a while tonight . This all started when Scott arrived home , which was after 8 , so Bash had little time to go crazy . He laid quietly with Willow & I for a good chunk of time & did well with his massage ( I think ) . Short blog tonight - Talana is starting tomorrow & I think it would be best to have the house in a somewhat organized manner . Judah did really well today - lots of imitating & initiating play . He didn 't play on my phone or the computer all day long today . He never even asked to ! That 's pretty big ! Those are really fun for him but they are also a time of solitude . He has pulled out of that isolated world so much . We really need to be conscious of doing things that will help him slip back into it . He was smiling & happy most of the day . He took a bath tonight . He did not want to get out . Then I said , " Do you want to get out and eat chicken ? " and he said , " Okay ! " and jumped out of the tub ! We played some more of the Thomas the Train board game . Unfortunately a train is now missing and the board is torn into two pieces . I 'll fix it later & the train will turn up . The game will go on . To us , things like this are about as trivial as someone sneezing in the middle of a crowded subway . It sucks for a minute , then you quickly forget about it . This morning I could not get to Judah fast enough after he had requested more Chex , which now sounds like " trash " when he says it . It 's funny how some of his words have changed so much , many going in the wrong direction , not sure why ? I heard Sebastian 's alarm go off ( the sound he makes when I need to come & see something ) . I wandered into the living room to find Judah sitting at the kitchen table . There was a box of Chex on the table , next to it was his bowl full of Chex . Chex were bubbling out of his bowl like soap suds . Apparently he had turned the entire box of cereal over & dumped it into his bowl . Then he set the box upright on the table , as if he had just poured a completely normal bowl of cereal . All of the kids sat down & helped him eat . Judah pretended to be Cookie Monster saying , " Cooookie ! " and doing the " num , num , num " sound as he put his hands in front of his mouth , pretending to eat handfuls of Chex . And yes , of course , I got a picture . Judah did well at speech . She said he didn 't imitate a lot , but I could hear him communicating & repeating her a decent amount during the last half of his session . The first half I spent running to the bank and scrubbing down the passenger seat of the van . One of Judah 's cups had spilled ( almond milk ) into the seat . This happened on SATURDAY . We had not used the van since . I found his cup , still dripping into the seat , right before we headed to speech this afternoon . The light inside the van was on too . . it was fire hot . Scott drove the van on Saturday . I had to wait a while before I texted him after finding all of this - I was not happy . The milk went through the seat cover & left a stain the size of a dinner plate on the actual seat . I got it out impressively well with Resolve though . Judah 's speech lady started him off in the gym this time . Good plan . I was happy about that . All of the kids were pretty hyped up tonight . I tried to redirect them - I told them to go play trains . Then I went to put away clothes . Somehow the train play never happened and the kids ended up following me around , as well as hanging all over Scott . They had lots of energy . Of course this led to some Sebastian behaviors . He hit Scott at least 3 times . . I know one time was with a stuffed animal . Sebastian was standing right in front of Scott & he slammed him in the face with a stuffed animal . That resulted in a very loud Scott scream & a direct route to time - out for Sebastian . Sebastian did apologize on his own & told us that he was going to do lots of " respectable things " tomorrow . When I had him doing jobs yesterday he called it doing " respectable things " . Obviously that doesn 't make up for his behavior , but at least he is showing some kind of remorse & a pretty big gesture to do better by telling us he will help out around the house . Willow got into the Vaseline tonight . I was in her room putting away clothes & pulling out a half dozen shoes she has grown out of . She was behind me , suddenly quiet . I turned around to see that she was slowly patting her hands & face with Vaseline . She looked absolutely fascinated with the slimy gunk . She had filled her plastic baby food dish with Vaseline too ! Man . Vaseline is impossible to get off . She snuck into the Vaseline again one more time after that . She sucks her thumb to go to sleep . She was disgusted with her goopy thumb tonight , but bit the bullet & fell asleep as quick as possible ! Later I heard Sebastian telling Scott , " I can 't get it off ! ! ! " He had used the sink faucet & bar of soap which were both covered in Vaseline . Ha ! Even the light switch is greased up , yuck ! ! We are all moisturized & shiny for sure . I put the knives up high today . Sebastian got to one of the steak knives last night - it was laying on the counter . He motioned as if he were going to stab Scott . Bye , bye knives . We need to get some of those magnetic child - proof locks , so we can use the kitchen cabinets to lock things away . The only thing we make absolutely sure is locked away is the hazard box that we use to dispose of needles . But there are other things that should be completely unavailable , rather than just being stored up high somewhere . They need to be locked up - kids can climb , especially Sebastian . . he 's like a damn monkey . Bash spent part of the day with Gramma , doing a nature walk , working on sight words , going out to eat , etc . She said he was very well - behaved . He was trying to be well - behaved after he got home . I could see that . Anytime I asked him to do something he did it - even putting away his laundry as I handed them to him & told him where they went . He HATES doing that - usually he will immediately walk out . I think the kids definitely need to learn that these things aren 't Mommy & Daddy duties . . everyone needs to help . We are starting a bit late with him , obviously . We seem to be catching him at the tail end of the phase where kids are excited to help , sigh . |
For two weeks it had been quiet in Catherine and Vincent 's life . Vincent had fallen into the habit of stopping by every few days to see her . Catherine had come to realize that , for whatever reason , her attempts to get Vincent into her apartment had only resulted in making him uncomfortable . She resigned herself to accepting his needs , and they spent all of their time together out on the balcony . Many nights were spent together wrapped in his cloak staring at the city , just talking , catching one another up on the daily things in their lives . Catherine cherished their time together , and it helped her get through the relentless days at work . On this particular night , Catherine was especially quiet . Vincent was behind her and she was wrapped securely in his arms . He leaned his head down and whispered quietly , " What 's troubling you so tonight ? " Catherine looked up at him and decided to share her problems . " My office is working on a case . It involves a new drug that 's being pushed out on the streets . It 's outrageously expensive … which of course makes it that much more fascinating . " " People are dying from using it . We keep publishing warnings in the media , yet night after night more of the drug is being bought . What would make someone so desperate they would try a drug that 's been known to kill ? " Vincent caressed her arms . " People who are alone are weak , and that makes them vulnerable . I guess for these individuals escape from reality seems like a good solution , even if it 's only for a little while . " The next day , Catherine sat with her head buried in files almost the entire day . Other than taking a few phone calls and a couple of trips to the coffee pot for refills , she never left her desk and was able to accomplish an inordinate amount of paperwork . Joe came up and dropped a few more files on her desk . She raised her eyebrows in disbelief and looked at her watch . He smiled sweetly . " Not yet , Radcliffe . You 're mine for another hour ! You should learn to work faster , then you wouldn 't get so far behind . " Catherine bit back her retort and pretended to go back to work . Joe walked away and gasped as a rubber band sailed past his ear . He turned to see her writing furiously on a piece of paper . She snuck a peek out from under her bangs , but he caught her looking , so she met his gaze head on . " Real mature , Radcliffe ! But don 't mess with the master . " The look of innocence reflected in her eyes . " What do you mean , Joe ? " " Just remember , you 've been warned . " Joe shook his head and turned around , walked two steps and felt a rubber band hit him in the back of the head . He quickly grabbed a rubber band from the usual place on his wrist and spun around . He shot at her , but Catherine ducked and it flew over her head . He bent and retrieved the rubber band that she had hit him with and shot it without looking up . Catherine , who had been distractedly looking for another rubber band , looked up in time to have it hit her in the eye . Her hand flew to her eye . " Ouch ! " Joe was laughing until he looked up and saw she had covered her eye . Tears streamed down her cheek as he ran forward . " Oh , God , Cathy , I 'm sorry ! Are you okay ? " Catherine looked up and Joe came in as close as he dared . He saw that her lower eyelid had a small mark where the rubber band had hit . " Wow , that was close . Are you all right ? Can I get you some ice ? " " I 'm still in . That 's all that matters for now . I can 't believe this damn thing 's running into extra innings . We 've been working on this , what . . . three or four weeks ! Why can 't we catch this guy ? " Jimmy ignored him . " I would sue him , Chandler . Better yet , make it a matter for public record . I hate to think of him ever running for D . A . with that on his record . I can see the headlines now . . . Mad Assistant DA Goes on Shooting Rampage . " " No , just to check on how you guys were doing on leads to this dealer . I think I got a plan to catch the guy . I 'm heading to Farrell 's office right now to present it . " Jimmy 's weariness carried through the phone line . " Me , too . I 'm tired of working nights and weekends . I 'd like to see my fiancé some time this month . " He began to chuckle . " You wouldn 't know what that feels like would you , Joe ? You should try to pick up a chick somewhere other than the shopping mall ! " Joe groaned knowing Jimmy was referring to his last date . Jimmy couldn 't stop himself from teasing even more . " Try to find someone like I did . How about you , Chandler ? Who do you snuggle up to at night ? " It was Catherine 's turn to blush and Joe laughed . " I saw what she snuggles with ! I was in her apartment after that voodoo guy trashed it . Get this , Jimmy . She 's got a stuffed lion on her bed . " Joe hung up , and Catherine sat as he got up from her chair . Joe turned to her . " Grab your purse and head home . We 're done here for tonight . " A few days later , Catherine was at the police station when she saw Captain Farrell . She waved , and he motioned for her to come into his office . She dropped off her file on an officer 's desk , then headed to see him . She knocked lightly on his door . Catherine grimaced . " No . Jimmy told me he had an idea to run past you . I was hoping it was a fantastic one that would blow the lid off this whole case . " " You ! No way . You 're not a cop . I need someone who can defend themselves in there . Thanks for the offer , Cathy , but no way . " " I can shoot a gun . You can call Paul at the gun range ; he 'll tell you how good I am . And I took a self defense course with Isaac Stubbs . He 'll vouch for me any day ! " " High praise from Isaac . " Farrell nodded as his mind flew over the possibilities . " Okay , Chandler , I tell you what . . . Morero approves it and you 're in . I got no problem with using you . " She walked up and waited for him to look up from his files . " Jimmy ? " Jimmy smiled when he saw her . " Hey , Chandler . How ya doing ? " Catherine sat down in a chair . " That 's why I 'm here . " He looked surprised . " The case ? " When she nodded , he continued . " So you got something new ? " Jimmy shrugged . " My idea was to get someone new in there , someone who had heard about the new stuff and had customers wanting to try it . This guy 's been coming pretty regular lately . I was hoping to schedule the bust when he 's there making his delivery . " " Where does he make the drop ? " " Buckman 's office ; he has an emergency exit there . If all goes well , we can have a team come right through that door and collect everybody at one time . " Catherine nodded . " Sounds easy enough . " " Yeah , normally Buckman only has one or two guys with him , and the supplier is an old man . Whoever 's in that room should be relatively safe . " " So who 's going to do it ? " He laughed . " I don 't know … my original idea was to have a woman , you know , a rich , cute looking thing , someone non - threatening … " She smiled " But ? " He sighed . " But Mason broke her leg last month and Wilson 's out ' cause she 's pregnant . Stevens is too young to be believable , and O ' Malley 's got a huge bust of her own coming up … I can 't ask her to compromise her own work … . after that … there 're no other women available . " Catherine leaned forward in her seat . " What about me ? " " Is it more dangerous than this new drug ? Look , you 've got no one else . I 'm your only option . " When she saw the change in his demeanor she continued . Catherine giggled . " It 's already done been done . He said it was your call . " He smirked at her . " Thanks , Cathy . I 'll let you know when , but … " " Tomorrow it is then . " She got up to leave and stopped when Jimmy nodded at her . " Chandler , you 're pretty brave , aren 't you ? " " Damn , I hope we catch this guy soon ! " Jimmy chuckled . " Maybe it 'll be real soon . " " Why , you gotta break ? " " Farrell approved my plan , we 're setting it up right now , " Jimmy stated , then proceeded to tell Joe his ideas about how to catch the seller in the act . Joe was excited . This could be the chance to nab this guy . " Yeah ? Who 's the lucky one going in ? " Jimmy sighed . He knew Joe was going to blow up when he heard . " Cathy . " Joe 's brow furrowed . He couldn 't recall a cop named Kathy . " Kathy who ? " Jimmy cleared his throat . " Chandler . " " What ! " Joe stood up at his desk . " Jimmy , we 'd better be talking about a different Catherine Chandler ! " " Yeah , well you took her up on it ! " Jimmy shook his head . " Actually , I probably would 've told her no , but she went to Farrell first and he approved it . " Joe was furious . Why would she put herself in danger like this ? " Jimmy , I gotta go . " Joe hung up and stormed out of his office and went straight to Catherine 's desk . " Radcliffe , what do you think you 're doing ? " Catherine looked up . She could tell he was aggravated . " What do you mean Joe ? I 'm going over the Jameson deposition like you wanted . " " I 'm not talking about that . First you signed up for the joint investigation , and now Jimmy tells me you 're going undercover . . . " She waved her hand dismissively . " Oh , you mean that . " " Yeah , I mean that ! Are you crazy ? Do you know how much danger you 're putting yourself into ? " " Yes , I do , but I 'm sick of these drug pushers , and now with this new drug . . . " " Good ! " Catherine shouted angrily as she looked away . She knew he was doing it because he cared , and she looked over at him and grabbed his elbow . " Thanks , Joe . " He nodded , then walked away shaking his head and muttering to himself . Catherine smiled as he walked away . She liked Joe ; he was a good friend . She felt better that he would be near . The next morning , Catherine sat at the police department with all of the detectives and officers who would be involved in the sting operation . As they carefully worked out all of the details and went over any possible problems , Catherine realized that it really was going to be quite dangerous . She thought about how she would feel and knew she wouldn 't want Vincent to rush to her side . When she got back to work , she sent for Benny , the messenger , to send word to Vincent . I 'm working with the police tonight on the drug investigation . I 'll be with at least six armed officers as well as my boss Joe . Please know that I 'll be fine and safe despite anything that you may feel to the contrary . See you soon . Vincent thought about her note and hung his head worriedly . He realized if she was warning him ahead of time , she must be putting herself in a dangerous position and knew her emotions would bring him to her side . He frowned when he thought about how he would deal with her emotional turmoil and not race to help her . That night the stage was set . Catherine was to go in portraying a drug supplier with a wealthy client base who was unable to resist the new drug and would pay whatever the going rate was . After the exchange was made , she was to push open the emergency door and let the police come in to make the arrest . Joe was pacing outside the surveillance van when Catherine got out of the taxi . He walked up to her and looked at her outfit . " Yeah , Claude . " Hoping to get reinforcements Joe tapped Claude 's arm and pointed towards Catherine . " You see what she 's wearing ? " " Yeah ? " " Don 't you think it 's . . . " Claude shrugged . " What ? It 's perfect , " he said as turned to climb inside the van . Claude had the equipment for the wiretap laid out on a table . He turned to Catherine . " Okay , the wire gets secured to your waist , then we run the pack around the back and secure it to the small of your back . " Joe was shocked when she quickly stripped to her bra so Claude could fix her with a wire . He was amazed at her unending dedication to her work . He couldn 't believe she was putting herself in danger to try to catch a drug dealer . Claude was relieved that she hadn 't let modesty get in her way , and he quickly set about taping the wire down in various places around her waist . While Catherine dressed , Joe insisted the police go over the plan again with her . Catherine rolled her eyes and then left to wait inside the club . She walked up , and Jimmy eventually let her into Buckman 's office . The next day they had a meeting at police headquarters . Everyone was congratulating themselves on catching Tyler Buckman , big time drug dealer , but Jimmy stormed from the room in disgust . Catherine was concerned about him and went after him . Jimmy told her they had blown the investigation . They were supposed to arrest the drug supplier , not the distribution guy . Catherine talked with him for a while , and while she was there a scientist from the lab came up . He gave the results of their findings and , when asked why the drug glowed in the dark , said it contained certain properties that suggested it was grown underground . " Hi , Vincent . " " Catherine , it 's good to see you . I 've been worried . When I sensed your fear last night it was all I could do to stay Below . I was relieved when the nightmare was over so quickly . " " I was wondering if you know of anyone who moves frequently between Above and Below . Someone who may be the supplier . " " You think the supplier may be someone who frequently comes Below ? " Vincent shook his head . " We trust so few with our secret , all of them friends , helpers . Each of them knows what a responsibility he bears . " Catherine hoped she hadn 't given the wrong impression . " I 'm not accusing them or any of your people . " He looked over at her . " I know you 're not . " She walked towards him . " But our lab has identified certain mineral properties that suggest it 's being grown underground . And this supplier … he 's like a shadow . . . " " That grows over your city . " Catherine nodded . " We 've already linked forty - nine deaths to this drug so far , and three times that many have been institutionalized . " She looked up at him quizzically . " Why are you telling me this ? " " I don 't want what happened that night to cause you to take unnecessary risks . " " And it 's because I survived then that I 'm doing this now , so that others are spared . " " I can 't lose you , Catherine . Not now . " She squeezed his arm to reassure him . " I was well protected , surrounded by good men , friends , who wouldn 't let me get hurt . You won 't lose me , Vincent , I promise . " Vincent went immediately to the library , calling out as he looked around the room . " Father ? " Father looked out from between some shelves in the back . " Yes , Vincent . " Father knew Vincent wouldn 't come so quickly unless it was of major importance . He slipped the book back into its place on the shelf and walked over to give Vincent his complete attention . " Tell me . " " There 's a new drug being sold in the world Above . It 's killed many people already and harmed twice as many more . Their laboratories link this drug to a plant that grows exclusively underground . " Father was shocked at the news and frowned worriedly . " Go on . " " Catherine has asked if we know of anyone who moves often between Above and Below . I have assured her that only helpers and friends come Below , people we trust . . . " Father walked over and opened the sample to put it on a tray . He leaned over it and examined it as best he could . He remembered years ago hearing about a certain set of tunnels that glowed , and he didn 't like the fear that was settling into the pit of his stomach . " What else did Catherine tell you ? " " What is it Father ? " Vincent looked at him closely and saw his father struggling with some information . " Even if you only suspect … you must share what you know . This drug is powerful , Father . Anyone who has taken it has either ended up hospitalized or dead ! Morally you must disclose … " " Yes ! I am aware of the implications , Vincent ! " Father spewed . Vincent couldn 't believe that there was someone Below capable of doing this . " Who can it be , Father ? " " A man … no one you know . We banished him from this place before you were born . It was our first real test of government . His name was John Pater , but he called himself by another name . . . Paracelsus . " " The Alchemist ? " Father nodded . " Yes John 's model . Philosopher , scientist , magician … John was all of those things . A large part of what we 've created here we owe to him . " " What happened ? I don 't know . . . I think perhaps in trying to seek knowledge he began to desire power . " " And so you exiled him ? " Father snorted derisively . " He wouldn 't go at first . Finally he was forcibly taken beyond the perimeter . " " And now ? Do you know where he is now ? " Father nodded . " I 'll go to see him . I 'll try to talk to him . " " Alone ? Father , no , I 'll . . . . " Father held up his hand as he interrupted him . " No , not now , not yet . Let me go first . " Vincent started to protest . " Father . . . " " John and I were very good friends at one time . I know him . He 's bitter and angry , but at one time he was a good person with a very generous heart . I don 't think I 'll be in any danger . " Father left and went to the area where he knew John lived . It still hurt him to see the way John chose to live . They had built this world together at a time when the world Above had turned its back on him . If John 's ambitions hadn 't changed , he would still be living within the community , safe and comfortable . Father walked into a chamber and saw that John was harvesting more plants to sell . He confronted him and asked that he stop selling his drugs in the world Above . He was bringing attention to the tunnels , but foremost his drug was killing innocent people . John told him they would have to kill him to get him to stop , and Father left knowing his talk did little good . Father walked back into the library . Vincent rushed over to lend a hand as Father walked down the steps . " Did you find him ? " In the world Above , after working all day at her regular job , Catherine stopped by the police department and spent a long evening with Jimmy , reviewing all of the cases on the new drug . When they were finished , she was surprised when he refused her offer to go out for a burger . He informed her that he had a lead on the supplier and was going to follow through on it . Catherine was nervous when he told her he was going alone , but he assured her he was capable of handling anything that came up , and she eventually left to head home . As she walked out of the precinct her stomach rumbled loudly , and she thought of what she had to eat at home . She glanced over at the burger place she wanted to take Jimmy to and decided to go alone . Situated across from the police department , many of the officers and detectives frequented the restaurant . Now , despite the late hour , they were busy , and Catherine ended up getting seated at the long bar . She was pleasantly surprised when a few of the officers recognized her and welcomed her over at their table . She ordered quickly , then spent a pleasant time being entertained with stories . It seemed as soon as one officer got up , another would sit down , and the time flew by as she munched on her burger and fries . Meanwhile , Paracelsus was taking another load of his plants to the world Above . He was out of the tunnels and close to the staircase that would take him up . Jimmy had gotten to the meeting place and was hunkered down for a long wait . He hoped to be able to catch the suspect on his way back , but was surprised when he saw a man , that he was sure was the supplier , walking towards him . What luck , Jimmy thought . He must be heading out for the night ; he 'll have the drug on him ! He stood up , ready to arrest the guy . Paracelsus pretended that he was old and hard of hearing . As Jimmy drew closer , Paracelsus drew a knife , thrusting it into Jimmy 's gut , killing him instantly . Without a backward glance , Paracelsus continued on his way to deliver his plants to the world Above . Catherine thought back to her conversation and tears came to her eyes . Joe put a steadying hand on her back as she sniffled and nodded her head . " You guessed right . He was acting on a tip from someone he trusted from the streets . I begged him not to go alone , but he was angry about the way the drug bust went the other night . He didn 't want another chance blown . " Catherine nodded as she shrugged and threw her hands out to the sides . " I should 've followed my instincts . I should 've told someone he was going to try to do this alone . Jimmy told me he wasn 't a rookie , that he could do this alone . I offered to come with him , maybe if I had … " " You 'd be dead too ! " Greg 's eyes opened wide with surprise as Joe angrily exploded . " Damn it ! What is with you , Chandler ? You got a death wish or what ? That could have been you down there ! " Greg shook his head in disgust . " No , not probably . . . Whoever this guy is killed Jimmy with no remorse . If you would 've been here … let 's just say Jimmy 's last act was saving your life ! " " Okay … " Joe looked at his watch . " See ya in three hours , Racliffe . " Catherine groaned and nodded as she got into her car . Joe grabbed her door before she could shut it . " Cathy , that 's a joke ! You get some sleep . I better not see your face before 10 : 00 . " Catherine drove about a mile down the rode and pulled over in front of a convenience store . She let the tears fall freely as she thought about Jimmy and the possibility of what could have been her own death . She made an impulsive decision and headed towards the park . She parked as close to the culvert as she could , then walked quickly through the park . Vincent was in his chamber when he heard her summons come across the pipes . With a worried frown , he threw his shirt back on , grabbed his cloak , and ran to see her . He knew with the lateness of the hour that the only reason she would need to see him had to be an emergency . He sensed a great sadness through the bond and quickened his pace . " What 's happened ? Has there been a new development ? " When she said nothing further , he cocked his head , curious , knowing that there was more to her reason . " What is it , Catherine ? What makes you so sad ? " " A friend of mine was murdered tonight . " " The current of your feelings runs deep ; he must have meant a great deal to you . " " I wish I 'd had a chance to know him better . There was a lot of … hope in him , idealism . He was engaged to be married . " " Catherine , the man who grows and supplies the drug . . . You were right . He lives Below . Father knows of him . " Catherine was shocked . " Well , then you must turn him in . " " If we surrender him to the police he has promised to betray our secret . " Catherine frowned . " Well then he must be punished to the full extent of your laws . I 'll help . . . I 'll document what he 's done . " Vincent shook his head . " The ultimate punishment has been imposed . He was exiled from our world years ago . He no longer lives within our authority . " " Well , he 's still your responsibility ! " " We are struggling for a solution . " Vincent felt her emotions boil over , and Catherine exploded in anger at what she considered their lack of immediate response . " I can 't wait ! By waiting I put other lives in danger ! " Vincent blanched at the anger she projected at him , but he didn 't know what to say . It was her decision to make . " Catherine , you must live according to your conscience , just as we must live according to the laws that have allowed us to survive . " He turned from her and started to go back to the tunnels . He knew she was angry that they were not moving quickly against Paracelsus . He wished he could make her understand that it was not that easy . Their society was a non - violent one , and this was an extreme dilemma for them . He would understand if she felt the need to expose their world . Catherine stood there in disbelief at his answer . She started to walk back to her car , then thought better of it . She realized Vincent had walked away because he felt she would have no choice but to expose their secret . Catherine ran back , grabbed the gate , opened it , then closed the sliding panel behind her . She needed to catch up to him … talk to him … explain how she felt . She was angry , but not at him . She couldn 't let him walk away with the fear that she would expose his world . She saw his figure walking slowly ahead of her . " Vincent ! " Vincent had heard the sliding panel open and knew she had entered the tunnels behind him . He had already turned to face her . Catherine ran up and put her hand on his arm . " I told you once before , you 're secret 's safe with me . I would never betray your trust . " Vincent smiled at the familiar words she had spoken to him so many months ago . He would trust her once again . " I know that . I knew that from the beginning , when you trusted me . " Vincent nodded . He knew Catherine would do everything in her power to see it through . " Thank you , Catherine . I know it 's more than we deserve , but right now our world is so very vulnerable . " " Mine is too . With this monster on the loose spreading his drugs , I have no choice , but I won 't let this evil touch your world . " Catherine reached for his hand and intertwined her fingers with his . " It 'll be okay , Vincent . I promise ! " He cocked his head as he looked and saw the exhaustion on her eyes . " It 's late and you 're tired . Let me guide you home . " She squeezed his hand . " No , it 's not . I 'm tired and angry and sad and frustrated , but that was no reason to snap at you . I guess it 's true what they say about only hurting the ones you love . " Vincent shyly turned and looked ahead . Catherine smiled to herself that she had rendered him speechless . Luckily , it was only a short walk and they were soon in the park . Vincent walked her as close to her car as he dared to go . The next morning , Father tapped a request that all of the council members meet in the library for an emergency meeting . Within ten minutes , Vincent and the rest of the chief council members filtered in . He and Father quickly brought Mary and Winslow up to speed on the dilemma they faced . Father caught them up with the details of his meeting with John and told them of their problem . " Except that there 's this to consider … Paracelsus could never expose us without exposing himself . If he doesn 't get caught we 're safe … " Mary suggested . Father raised his hands to object . " Even to consider such an alternative undermines the very principal this society was built on . Please … we are here to consider viable options . " " Well discussing the problem isn 't going to make it disappear , " said Winslow . " It does seem as though the more we talk the more elusive the solution becomes . " Vincent sighed . " We all agree that what is at stake is the greater good of both worlds . Some course , anything , is better than to allow all that we are , all that we have built , to be held hostage by one man 's evil . " Father looked at him . " So what do you propose ? " That afternoon , Vincent went searching for Paracelsus . He went to the area where Father told him he had confronted him . On his way , he spotted Paracelsus in the distance and followed him . Paracelsus realized he was being followed and tried to escape as Vincent chased after him . He had just made it into a tunnel way when Vincent suddenly appeared behind him . He closed a false door , buying some needed time , and ran through yet another tunnel way . Hearing Vincent break through the false wall , he took a second to throw some of his drug powder into the air , then took off quickly as the powder floated downward . Vincent broke through the false door and ran into the next room . He unknowingly stepped right into the particle shower created by Paracelsus and he breathed deeply of the drug - filled air . He searched for the false wall that Paracelsus had to have used to escape . Breathing hard from running , he stood and felt the full impact as his senses were immediately affected . Vincent began hallucinating and fell back against the walls . Holding his head and moaning , he tried to gain control of his mind . He got up and stumbled through the tunnels trying to clear his head and get his bearings . In his mind , he kept hearing the moans of people in pain and the screams of people dying . He saw visions of Catherine surrounded by fire , trying to lure him towards the flame . Vincent battled with himself , but the drug took him over completely . He could not keep the beast within him at bay . He growled and snarled as instinct guided him back to the home tunnels . As Vincent neared the home tunnels , Father heard his roars echoing through the tunnel ways . He stood and listened as report after report rattled across the pipes . Each sentry was reporting Vincent 's condition and whereabouts . Father went out to search for him and found him in one of the side tunnels . Vincent stood against a wall . When he heard the sound of an approaching person , he growled a warning . Father cautiously came forward down the corridor . " Is that you , Vincent ? " Vincent snarled and growled another warning . Father peered through the dark at his son . He realized that in the state that Vincent was in , he might not recognize who he was . He slowly approached him , trying to reassure him . " Vincent , it 's me . . . It 's me , Vincent . . . Father . " Father continued to approach as Vincent growled more warnings . Finally , Father came too close and Vincent lashed out at him , knocking him to the ground . Father looked up at Vincent from the floor . He knew then that Vincent didn 't recognize him . For the first time in his life , he looked at his son with fear as Vincent advanced towards him . Just then , Winslow ran in with a torch . He waved it at Vincent who backed away from the flame . Mary fell to her knees beside Father and threw her arms around him as she stared frighteningly at Vincent . Vincent , feeling outnumbered , ran to the lower tunnels . Father struggled to his feet . He shook slightly from the shock of what had just happened . As they walked to the hospital chamber , Winslow turned to him . " Father , what happened back there ? What 's wrong with Vincent ? " Father shook his head . " I don 't know . . . I saw a some sort of substance sparkling on his clothing ; it glowed in the darkness . I think he may have gotten into some of Paracelsus ' drug . " Mary gasped . " Oh , that poor boy . " Winslow looked at her incredulously . " That poor boy almost killed Father ! " Mary rushed to defend Vincent . " But it 's not his fault ! " " How many more people could he hurt and it won 't be his fault ? What happens if one of the children approaches him ? " Father took Winslow 's arm . " Have Pascal send a message telling no one to approach Vincent . And Winslow , please take a group and follow him . Watch and see where he goes . " " I 'll go right now , if you 'll be okay . " Mary got Father to the hospital chamber and sat him on a bed . Amazingly he didn 't need any stitches ; his layers of clothing managed to sustain much of the blow from Vincent 's claw . Mary cleaned his wounds , then bandaged them up . Luckily his arm was not broken , just badly bruised , but Mary still immobilized it . They were both silent through the process , their thoughts on Vincent . When Mary was finished , Father came and stood in front of her . He looked deeply into her eyes and held her hand , caressing it gently . " Thank you , Mary . " " Father , will he be okay ? " Father knew she referred to Vincent . Mary had been like a mother to him his whole life . She was heartsick right now and deserved his honesty . He sighed and shook his head . " I just don 't know . " She nodded in understanding . Jamie thought of the earlier conversations she 'd overheard between Winslow and Mouse . She nodded , correctly guessing what happened . " It was Vincent , wasn 't it ? " " Yes , he 's in the old catacombs . Winslow and some of the others are there keeping an eye on him . Do you want me to bring them a message ? " Jamie ran all the way to Catherine 's apartment . She knocked furiously , then waited . No one answered , and Jamie sat in a chair for two hours before Catherine finally came off the elevator . Jamie only nodded . Catherine opened her door and quickly ran to her bedroom , stripping her dress off along the way . As Jamie waited in her living room , Catherine changed , then headed Below with her . Jamie knew how urgent it was , so she took off running again . Catherine ran behind her , surprised that whatever it was , it was this urgent . Fear flooded through her at the thought of what could have happened . Catherine ran until her lungs felt like they would burst . " Jamie , wait ! " Jamie shook her head . " I 'm not sure myself . There were messages over the pipes . The sentry 's reported that Vincent was acting strange and to be on the alert . Then everyone heard Vincent 's roars throughout the tunnels . I helped gather the children in the dining chamber . Once everyone was in there , I went to find out what was going on . I saw Father and he sent me to find you . He looked like he 'd been hurt . " Catherine felt uneasy . There were strange feelings flowing through the bond and she couldn 't identify any of them . Catherine started to run towards the library and Jamie followed behind . Father looked relieved when he didn 't have to wait any longer and watched as Catherine came into the library . She stopped in surprise as she looked at his bandaged arm . " Father , what happened to you ? Are you okay ? " He shook his head dismissively as he looked at the floor . " It 's Vincent . " " Vincent ? Has there been an accident ? " Father shook his head . " I think he may have gotten into some of Paracelsus ' drugs . " " What do you mean ? " Catherine 's eyes grew round in astonishment as she realized the impact of his statement . She thought of all the people who were dead . " He 's not . . . " She couldn 't bring herself to say the words . Father saw her pale . " He 's alive . He 's just . . . not himself . " Catherine thought of the all the others who were institutionalized for all kinds of problems relating to delusions and hallucinations . " Is he delusional ? " Father snorted . " Yes . . . I believe so . He didn 't recognize me earlier . I think he felt cornered , and he … . " She looked at Father 's arm , then back up into his eyes . " Did he do this to you ? " He flushed but nodded . " Oh my God , Father ! When did all this happen ? " " This afternoon … He went to see Paracelsus . An hour later , reports came in that Vincent was running through the tunnels acting quite strange . I followed his voice to a crossroad in the tunnels . When I approached him . . . well . . . I know he didn 't realize it was me . " " Yes , I saw some powder glowing like glitter on his clothing . " Catherine nodded . " That 's what the drug looks like . Where is he now ? Did he go Above ? " " He 's holed up in a forgotten place way below us , an old section of catacombs . " " According to our tests the effects of the drug should only last three to four hours . " " Father , please ! Of course I 'll go to him . It 's worth a try . " He shook his head , unsure if he was doing the right thing . Catherine grabbed his arm . " Come on . Let me at least give it a try . I promise I won 't put myself in danger . " " No , that 's just it … I know he didn 't recognize me , but he didn 't attack me either . At the last second he hit my arm away . I assumed by the pain he had broken it , but luckily it 's just bruised . " Catherine nodded . " I remember the effects of the drug I was given when I investigated that voodoo case awhile back . I know how confusing things can get . Father , has he ever been like this before ? " " Okay … but I 'm still not understanding all of this . In all of the other cases we handled , the victims were happy and upbeat . I 'm not sure why Vincent 's reaction is one of violence . " Father sighed aloud . " His body chemistry is so different from ours . He never could tolerate many types of medicines . Who knows what Paracelsus put in his drug ! I hope there is a way to break the effects . " They finally got down to the cave where Vincent was hiding . Winslow and the other guards stood guard with their torches lit . Winslow reported that they hadn 't heard anything in over an hour . Father and Catherine moved in closer . Father looked uncertainly into the opening . " We don 't know how far back he is . I thought maybe if you could call out to him or . . . " Catherine nodded in agreement . " Vincent , I 'm here now . " Although he growled and snarled a warning , the bond was flooded with feelings of desperation . Catherine could feel that he felt alone , scared , confused , and trapped . " God , he needs me ! I have to go to him ! " Father disagreed . " I can 't let you do that ! I thought he needed me too , but all I did was frighten him ! " She looked at him angrily . " What did you think I would do when you brought me here ? Leave him alone like this ? I have no choice . " She stood up and started to walk towards Vincent . She couldn 't see him yet , but he got up from his sitting position and crouched low in his cubbyhole , growling a warning at her . Catherine walked slower but continued to draw closer . She could see him now . He showed her his fangs ; his snarls grew louder and more menacing . She clamped down on her fear and tried to convey nothing but love for him hoping it would flow through the bond . Her thoughts were on him . Vincent , it 's okay . I 'm here now . We 'll get through this . I 'm coming Vincent . It 's okay . It 's just me . Shhh , I 'm almost there . She continued to walk towards him , looking him straight in the eyes . He was still in the cubbyhole in the wall , and he straightened up as she got closer . He continued growling at her , saliva pouring from his mouth as his snarls grew louder . To everyone in the outer tunnels , it was madness that she was approaching him . But Catherine felt the battle raging in him ; she felt him fighting for control . She came closer , unafraid , and stopped directly in front of him . As she looked into his eyes , he threw his head back and started shaking it back and forth . She could feel him gaining control of himself . She stepped forward , leaned against him , and placed her head against his chest . She slipped her arms around his waist , holding him tightly while he fought unseen forces to come back to reality . At the first touch of her hands , Vincent finally gained control . His arms came around her holding her tightly as he gasped for breath . " Catherine . " He rubbed his cheek against her head , trying to reassure himself of her presence . " Catherine . " They stood intertwined for several minutes until he caught his breath and his heart stopped racing . He moved slightly away from her . She smiled and tried to catch his eye . " I know . " She turned and called out over her shoulder , " Father , he 's okay . " In the tunnel outside , everyone visibly relaxed . Father turned to them . " Please everyone . . . let 's give Vincent some time alone . " The others agreed and quickly left , but Father stayed behind to assess his son 's condition . Vincent leaned against the wall and tried to come to terms with what had happened . He remembered bits and pieces , but now his mind was racing to make sense of all of it . Catherine stayed by his side , gently caressing his back and holding his hand . Exhausted from his ordeal , he finally threw his head back with a sigh . Catherine pushed off from the wall they were leaning against . She held out her hand to him . " Come on , Vincent . Let 's go home . " Vincent wouldn 't look at her but he took her hand and followed her out . Finally , they walked from the cave . Father smiled as Vincent and Catherine walked hand in hand towards him . Vincent looked up and stopped in his tracks . " Father , are you okay ? " Father blinked in surprise that he didn 't remember . " Well . . . I . . . um . . . that is to say that . . . " He looked over at Catherine who nodded her head . She didn 't believe he should withhold the truth from Vincent . Father opened his mouth , but no words came forth . Catherine turned to Vincent and laid her hand on his arm . " Vincent , it was an accident . Father . . . " She stopped as she realized why Father had such a hard time . She couldn 't tell him either . Father came forward . " Vincent , I advanced on you too quickly , and in your agitated state . . . " He stopped unable to say more . The reality of what Vincent had done made him gasp in shock . He shook his head in shame . " Father . . . I am so , so sorry . " Father placed his hand on Vincent 's shoulder . " Nonsense , Son . You were not yourself . " Vincent had tears in his eyes as he looked at him . " How could I do this to you ? Why couldn 't I stop myself ? " Catherine squeezed his hand reassuringly . " Paracelsus made a very powerful drug . " Vincent shook his head in disbelief as he leaned back against the tunnel wall and started to cry . " Nothing bad happened ? Father , I hurt you ! " Tears fell unchecked from his eyes . Catherine wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly . Catherine smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood . She bent over to look Vincent in the eye . " Come on , Vincent . You look tired . Let 's keep walking . " " That 's a good idea , Catherine . Let 's go back to the library where I can take a look at you , Vincent . " Father said . Father took Vincent 's head into his hands and looked into his son 's eyes . He nodded , then kissed him on the side of the cheek . " Okay , Son . I 'll have to go address the council after we get back . " He turned to her . " Catherine , will you stay with him ? " Catherine hung back with Vincent and allowed Father to walk ahead of them . She wanted to give Vincent more of a chance to come to terms with everything that had happened . She could feel his distress at all the trouble he had caused . They walked slowly , and Catherine held tightly to his hand . He didn 't pull away from her , but he wouldn 't look at her either . Catherine didn 't try to talk to him and left him alone with his thoughts . He was quiet all the way back to the library , but his mind was racing . How did this happen ? Is Father really okay ? Why did he allow Catherine to come to me ? I could have killed her ! Why did she come after me ? Why did she have to see me like that ? What could she be thinking of me now ? Do I disgust her ? Vincent sat in a chair in Father 's study . Father looked over at Catherine . " Um . . . Catherine . . . do you know the way to the dining hall ? I was wondering if perhaps you wouldn 't mind bringing us some tea . . . " Catherine knew he was trying to be alone with Vincent . She smiled , taking the hint . She leaned forward to look at Vincent . " Vincent , can I get you anything ? " Vincent shook his head , but he still wouldn 't look at her . He wanted to give her an alternative if she truly wanted to leave . " I could send for someone to see you home . " She shook her head . " No , I 'd like to stay here with you if I may . " He seemed to relax at her statement , although he shrugged his shoulders , still not looking at her . She smiled weakly at Father . " I 'll go get that tea . " " I said I was fine . I have a few bruises . " Vincent looked over at him . " You on the other hand . . . I . . . I don 't remember anything . . . I remember chasing Paracelsus , then I remember Catherine coming into that cave . " He looked over at the twenty - four hour candle burning on the table . " I was lost to myself for over eight hours ? " " Have you ever tried to stop Catherine from doing something she 's set her mind to ? " Father shook his head and chuckled . " Vincent , it was never my intention for Catherine to go to you . She was only to call out your name . I hoped your empathic connection with her would bring you back to us . " Father sighed . " You growled a warning , and she stood up and went in for you . She must have heard or , rather , felt something the rest of us couldn 't . " Vincent shook his head in disgust . " Why would she endanger herself ? " Father left , and Vincent finally let himself think about all that had happened . Catherine walked in , and Vincent looked at her , then at the floor in shame . She moved closer to him , willing him to look at her . Finally , she leaned over and put her arm on the back of the chair he was sitting in . " What is it Vincent ? What are you thinking ? " He turned his face away from her . She 'd risked her life coming to get him ; she deserved his honesty . He was ashamed to look at her as he sighed . " How ashamed I am that you saw me as I was . . . " he began , then turned and faced her and looked into her eyes . " And how grateful I am that you were there . " She laid a comforting hand on his shoulder , offering him her love . He placed his hand over hers and held it . " You saved my life Catherine . " Once again that night , Catherine allowed her love for him to flow through their bond . She squeezed his hand tightly in her own . Father walked in and felt the love surrounding this couple . He smiled to himself as he thought of Catherine . What an amazing woman she is . In that cave , she walked straight to Vincent without a moment of hesitation , faced the beast , and , in an instan , t brought Vincent back to reality . Now here she stands offering her love and comfort . He would be forever grateful to her . He continued walking forward , and Catherine stood up , never letting go of Vincent 's hand . Vincent 's voice was low . " You can 't understand how I feel . " Father grew impatient . " We all agreed . Harsh measures are required , but it 's not your responsibility to decide what they may be . " Vincent gave him a look that proved he could not be dissuaded . " It is mine . I have seen the demons Paracelsus has unleashed , felt them inside me . How can I explain ? You become disconnected , as if the dark side of your imagination eclipses all compassion , all dignity . " He got to his feet . " I must go . " Catherine reached for his arm . " You 're still weak . " " And there are fifty people already dead , " he pointed out as he looked down at her , then walked out . After he left , Catherine turned to face Father . " We can 't stop him , can we ? " He sighed and shook his head . " I don 't think so . He does seem determined . His loss of control from that drug . . . " " It 's over though ! He 's okay … " " Because of you , Catherine . If you hadn 't been here , I hesitate . . . " Father shook his head . " zNever mind . Once again , I find I need to offer you my thanks . " " No , Father . Thank you . For trusting in me , for sending for me . I 'm glad I could be here when he needed me . " Vincent found Paracelsus easily . Paracelsus spouted lies to him about knowing Vincent 's true birth story . He tried to make Vincent feel like he was a friend . Vincent was wary of him , but curiosity made him listen as his mind raced with the possibilities . Paracelsus kept up his banter , slowly drawing closer to Vincent . Out of nowhere , he drew a knife and stabbed Vincent . Vincent roared and dropped his lantern . He prepared for a fight as a fire started and spread quickly through the chamber . Vincent and Paracelsus fought . Vincent shoved Paracelsus onto one of his growing tables and it tipped over , dumping Paracelsus onto the floor . Vincent tried to drag Paracelsus out of danger , but Paracelsus noticed the fire and lashed out again at Vincent , then ran back into his chamber for his gold coins . Vincent tried to stop him , but Paracelsus ran through a wall of flames . He waited until the room was engulfed in flames and , from the size of the fire , assumed that Paracelsus had been killed . He walked back and reported everything to the council . Mary led him to the hospital chamber . Vincent stripped off his shirt and lay down on the table . Mary came over . He grimaced when she cleaned the cut , but she took her time and stitched him carefully . Paracelsus ' knife had slashed him , but luckily it wasn 't deep , and Vincent only needed twelve stitches . Late that night , Vincent made his way to Catherine 's apartment . She was reading in bed when she saw his shadow on the balcony . She got up and ran to the door . He sighed . " Catherine , Father told me the story of what happened this afternoon . " She shrugged and he continued . " You shouldn 't have come after me . I could have struck out at you and hurt you . Or worse ! " Catherine frowned and thought for a moment . " Vincent , I felt your feelings the entire time I was walking towards you . I never felt threatened . Even though you were warning me away , I could feel another part of you reaching out for help . The second I looked into your eyes , I knew you wouldn 't hurt me . " " If I had to do it all over again , I would do it the same way . I will always be there for you if you need me ! " She moved forward and hugged him tightly . He hissed in pain and backed away as she bumped the wound with the stitches . She looked up at him horrified . " You 're hurt ! Paracelsus hurt you ? " Catherine nodded . " I 'm sorry he 's dead , but I am relieved it 's over now . And you should probably be in bed resting . " Catherine reached out tentatively and drew in close . She gently hugged him as she laid her head against his chest . " I 'm glad you 're all right . " He held her and pulled her in close . A light rain began to fall and she looked up at him ruefully . " You should go before you get wet . " Joe shook his head . " No ! I bet the guy got scared off from his confrontation with Jimmy . He 's either gonna stay quiet for awhile or he 's moving on to another city . " That afternoon , Catherine left early to attend Jimmy 's funeral . On the way back , she sent word asking Vincent to meet her . He met with her at the tunnel entrance . She smiled . " Hi . You look well . " " I am well . " Vincent came forward . " How are you , Catherine . You seem . . . sad ? " " I just came from my friend 's wake . " " I 'm sorry . If I had known sooner , perhaps Paracelsus wouldn 't have gotten so far out of control , and your friend would still be alive . " " He got into trouble because he didn 't follow the rules . " She shook her head in disbelief . " Jimmy wouldn 't compromise . " " Beyond the sadness , his life had great meaning . " Vincent walked closer to Catherine and leaned on the wall next to her . " Catherine , I understand why you expose yourself to danger . " She nodded . " Because there are some risks worth taking . . . " He nodded , picking up on her train of thoughts . " And there are some things worth risking everything for . " She nodded and moved to walk away . Vincent 's voice stopped her . " Catherine . " She turned to him with a question in her eyes , and he looked shyly at the floor . " I was wondering if you weren 't busy tonight if you would like to come Below for awhile ? " Catherine 's face fell . She had been so wrapped up in the drug raid and the subsequent problems , she needed to get some work done tonight . Vincent sensed her distress and misinterpreted it . " Catherine , I 'm sorry I asked . I . . . " Catherine shook her head and rushed forward . " No , Vincent . I 'm the one who 's sorry . I wish I could , but I 'm overloaded with paperwork from some new cases . Could I make it another time ? " Catherine came forward and lowered her head to his shoulder . She sighed as she felt his arms gently surround her . She pulled back and looked at him . " What about tomorrow ? " " I have sentry duty . Perhaps the next night . . . " He stopped as he realized she might very well have some other plans , as it was the weekend and Saturday was commonly a " date night . " " It 's Saturday . My whole day is free ! Why don 't I come in the morning ? Around 8 : 00 ? We can spend the whole day together . " Vincent 's eyes opened wide with surprise , and Catherine giggled . " Too early ? " He realized she was teasing and nodded . " Perhaps , I could meet you at your threshold around 3 : 00 . The children will be reading stories they 've created , and dinner is at 6 : 00 on Saturdays . " |
Sunday , Catherine spent her first entire day Below . The children put on a play they had learned in class , and she had a lovely time at dinner visiting with the entire community . William made strawberry shortcake , a favorite dessert Below . She cast him a sideways glance , then smiled coyly when he winked knowingly at her . Mary gasped at Winslow 's comment . " I hadn 't thought of that ! " Father looked curiously over at Catherine , then at Vincent who shook his head , silently asking Father not to fuss . Father sighed as he nodded . " I suppose one of our helpers has just been especially generous . We should thank her . . . or him ! " Catherine raised her brows in surprise , but was unwilling to turn down the offer . " I 'd like that . " He stood and took her hand and walked her to the door . She followed him , but stopped for a moment to address the room . " Goodnight , everyone . Thank you for a wonderful day . " Everyone said goodbye , and several of the children ran over for hugs before she could leave . As they made their way through the tunnels , they held hands whenever they could . Once they were outside in the park , Vincent realized his mistake in not calculating the weather . The wind was fierce , and he put his arm around her to shield her as best he could . " I 'm sorry , Catherine . I had no idea it was this miserable outside . Perhaps we should turn back . " Catherine thought about how good it felt to have him hold her like this , and she was smiling as she shook her head . " No , I 'm fine . It 's not a cold wind , and other than some messy hair , it 's kind of nice to get the fresh air . " When Vincent nodded his acquiescence , she put her head against his shoulder . " Besides , it feels wonderful to have your arm around me . " Vincent blushed , but they continued to walk and talk . Surprisingly , they encountered few people along the way . Eventually , Catherine spotted another couple long before Vincent did and quietly led him to hide behind a group of trees . Vincent was embarrassed at first , but Catherine kept up an easy banter like what she did was the most natural thing in the world . Vincent nodded as she came forward for her usual hug . She backed up too soon and looked up into his eyes . He looked back down at her , wondering what she wanted him to do . In the morning , she woke up and started the coffee pot . She walked to the front door and grabbed the newspaper , then walked to the kitchen where she read the headlines . A few minutes later , she popped some bread into the toaster and poured herself a cup of coffee . She grabbed the toast from the toaster and sighed when she saw how badly it was burned . She lifted her coffee mug to her mouth and tasted her coffee . Yuck , she thought . She sighed in disgust , set down her paper , and decided she would change and go to work . She got dressed , grabbed her briefcase , and walked out her door . She only made it a few steps when she tripped and dropped the items in her hands . She looked down at her shoes to discover one of them had a broken heel . " I just bought these yesterday , " she moaned to no one . She let herself back into her apartment and changed her shoes . What more could go wrong today ? she thought . Kelly handed her a phone message . " Marci O ' Neil was released from the emergency room at the hospital last night . The police took her there with multiple injuries to her face and head , as well as to her back and ribs . The neighbors phoned in another complaint . " Kelly shook her head as she looked at her sheepishly . " When you weren 't here , I called Marci and told her to come in around 11 : 00 . I ran it past Joe , and he said if you weren 't in , he would handle it . I 'm sorry if I overstepped . . . " Catherine glanced at her watch as she walked towards her desk . Marci O ' Neil was a classic case of domestic abuse . This was the fourth time that the DA 's office was involved , but each time Marci refused to press charges . Now she would be here in less than an hour and Catherine wanted to be ready . Catherine nodded . She took off her coat and hung it up , then put her purse away and opened up her satchel . She drew out a file . " Here . " She nodded and yawned . " Last night . . . I mean this morning around 1 : 30 . " Catherine picked up her empty coffee cup and stared at it . She looked at Joe hopefully . " What would I have to do to get you to get me a cup of coffee ? " Marcy O ' Neil came in at 11 : 00 on the dot . Catherine led her into Joe 's office so they could interview her together . Marci finally admitted to them that she had been beaten again by her husband . She was battered and bruised and still refused to press charges against him . She told them her husband promised he wouldn 't hit her again . Catherine pointed out that he had promised this before . Marci left without filing charges against him . Catherine shook her head in disbelief . She just couldn 't understand Marci 's thinking . This woman was repeatedly beaten by her husband , and , time after time , Marci went back to him because he promised not to do it again . What made this woman forget between beatings how awful she felt and how much she hurt ? What made her focus on the few good times and forget about the painful ones ? Catherine got a phone call , and Joe left his office to get coffee so she could take it in privacy . " Catherine Chandler . " Jenny 's voice carried over the line . " Oh , it 's great to hear your voice , stranger ! " Catherine chuckled ; it had been weeks since she 'd heard from her best friend . " Jenny , is that really Jenny Aronson , world record holder for unreturned phone calls ? " " Oh , I 'm fine . I 'm great actually . I got a phone call today from Stephen Bass . He 's in town and he 's trying to reach you . I gave him your home number , and it occurred to me about a second later that I probably shouldn 't have . He is so insistent . " Catherine 's mind raced back to her college years and to the man she almost married . She ignored the slight twinge she felt in the pit of her stomach . At the silence on the other end of the phone , Jenny became worried . " Cathy ? " Catherine sighed . " Yeah , I 'm here . " " You don 't have to call him back . You don 't owe him anything . " Catherine knew what Jenny said was true , but she still thought she should see him . " Did he say where he 's staying ? " " Yeah , he 's at the Huntington . If you want we can talk about it over lunch . . . " Catherine didn 't think there was anything worth discussing . " No , I don 't . Not yet anyway . " " Cath , are you sure ? " Catherine wondered briefly why Jenny was so concerned . " Yeah , Jen , I am . It 'll be fine . I 'll just see what he wants , catch up a little , and it 'll be all over . " " I don 't know . You think it 'll be that easy ? " Catherine shrugged as she thought about Vincent . For her , it would be a piece of cake to tell Stephen she wasn 't interested . " If it 's not , I 'll tell him that I 'm with somebody . " " Oh , " Jenny sang out , " . . . and are you . . . with somebody ? " Catherine 's laughed . She wanted so much to tell Jenny about Vincent , share her feelings about him , but she couldn 't , not even with Jenny . At Catherine 's silence on the other end , Jenny jumped to conclusions . " Hey , how come you won 't tell me about him ? What 's the big secret ? " Catherine lied easily . " No big secret to tell , Jen ! " Joe walked back into his office . " Promise me you 'll tell me what Stephen wants . " " I will . " Jenny got serious . " No . . . Cathy … promise me ! " Catherine laughed , trying to lighten the mood as she held up her right hand . " Jen , Joe will witness that I have my right hand raised , okay ? Now , I , Catherine Chandler , promise to tell my best friend Jenny Aronson every last word that Stephen Bass says to me . . . cross my heart and hope to die ! " Jenny 's stomach clenched in dread . " Don 't say that ! " Catherine smiled into the phone . " Don 't worry ! Goodbye , Jen . " " Call me ! " Jenny said as Catherine hung up the phone . She smirked . " Nope . . . old one , from my deep , dark past . " Joe rolled his eyes . " Yeah , your deep , dark past . What 's the worst he ever did ? Buy you something on sale ? " Catherine smiled and shook her head , then walked back to her desk . She didn 't realize it , but as she walked her smile faded . Her thoughts were on Stephen . I wonder how he is . What 's he done with his life ? She sighed and went back to work . She knew he would call her , and she would find out soon enough . If she 'd given her thoughts more time to form , she would have questioned the feelings that settled in the pit of her stomach . Buried deep within the recesses of her mind were memories , doubts that needed to make their way to the surface , and these doubts would have been allowed to surface if Catherine wasn 't guided by her heart . The goodness that was there blinded her to her deepest thoughts and fears . It had been so long since she had seen Stephen that her heart had healed , forgiven . Her mind , however , remembered the truth . Catherine went home that night and found a message from Stephen on her machine . His voice evoked many memories of him . Unfortunately , the memories that emerged were bad ones : memories of the fights they had , the endless arguments that were always about the same things , the promises to change that were never fulfilled . Catherine shrugged off the demise of the relationship to them being so young . She picked up the phone and called Stephen back and was thankful when the hotel put her through to his room . " Hi , Stephen . Its Cathy . " He smiled immediately . " Hi ! Thanks for calling . How are you ? " She smiled at the friendliness in his voice . " I 'm fine , Stephen . How are you ? " " I 'm great . I 'm here in New York on business , and I thought I 'd call you , see if we could catch up . " She sighed . " Um . . . sure . That sounds fun . When are you free ? " " Any night . How about tonight ? " Catherine blinked in surprise but looked at her watch . It was only 6 : 30 . " Okay . Would you like to come by my apartment ? Or I could come by the hotel . " " No , I 'll come to you . I 'm sure you 're tired from working all day . I 'll be there in say . . . an hour . " She nodded . " I 'll be here . " Catherine gave him her address and hung up the phone . She was glad he was coming here . She smiled as she remembered that Stephen had always been considerate of her feelings . He could probably tell she sounded tired . She got up and made some coffee and soon enough heard a knock at the door . " Stephen ? " she asked through the closed door . " Yeah , it 's me . " She opened the door and smiled sweetly as she looked at the older version of the man she once loved . He hadn 't changed much other than to fill out in all the ways that men do as they get older . " Hi . " " Hi . " She motioned . " Come in . " Stephen leaned in , and they awkwardly hugged and pecked each other on the cheek . " Thanks for seeing me . " Catherine smiled . " Five years . . . long time . " " Yeah . . . well it 's not that long . " She grasped for something to say or do . " Take your coat ? " Stephen glanced around the room while Catherine laid his coat on her bed . Stephen looked at her pointedly , grasping to put them at ease . " This is crazy . I 'm feeling stiff and polite . You know I 'm neither of those things . Think we could avoid dancing around here like a couple of strangers ? " " We are strangers , " Catherine realized aloud . He nodded sadly in agreement . " Yeah , I guess we are . " He looked at her balcony doors . " Well . . . you 're eighteen stories up . Do you have a view ? " " Uh huh . " " Do you mind ? " She motioned to the balcony doors and they walked out together . They stood and looked out over the city . " I have time . " She had been joking , but realized he had taken her seriously , and she turned to look back at the city . She wondered briefly why she felt like she shouldn 't tell him anything . Stephen really only wanted to know one thing , and he looked at her worriedly as he asked shyly . " Is there someone ? " She smiled and nodded . " Yes . " He felt like his world was shattering as he grasped for any type of hope . " Do you love him ? " " Yes . " " I 'm glad for you , Cath . I really am . " She hoped he had someone in his life as well . " How about you ? " Stephen quickly shook his head . " Modern love 's too tough a nut for me to crack . Besides the last five years haven 't exactly been the best years of my life . " She assumed he was referring to the death of his parents and offered her condolences . " I heard about your parents . I 'm sorry . " " How 'd you find out ? " " Jenny . " Of course , Jenny , the blabbermouth , would have told her . Stephen clamped down on the anger that was threatening to boil to the surface . " Did she tell you I killed them ? " She looked at him incredulously . " What ? ' " Well , I was behind the wheel when the car crashed , drunk as usual . The court sentenced me to six months in jail . One terrible thing happening after another . It 's taken me the last five years to get my life back together , and then . . . " Catherine could tell by his demeanor that the worst was yet to come " What is it , Stephen ? " " Well , it seems I got this thing in my head . I 've got a brain tumor , degenerative and about as terminal as they get . Can you believe it ? Me and Job , right ? " Sympathy for him flooded through her . " God , Stephen ! " " Well they give me six months , more or less , and they say I 'll be fairly normal for most of that time . It 's why I 'm here , Cathy . " At the question in her eyes , he continued . " You know after the anger and denial and all that passed , I did a lot of thinking , took an inventory of my life . I realized that I hadn 't picked up a lot of friends along the way . In fact , there 's no one . . . You 're really the most important person in my life … " All I 'm asking is that you see me from time to time . No demands , just friendship . What do you say ? " Catherine couldn 't believe there was no one else . Sympathy flooded through her , and she knew she couldn 't let him down . " Sure , Stephen . I can see you once in a while . " " Will it be a problem for . . . um … your boyfriend ? " Catherine knew Stephen was hunting for a name . She thought of Vincent and smiled to herself . She knew Vincent would understand her need to spend time with Stephen and help him until the end . She knew she could count on him to stand by and trust in their love . " No . He knows he can trust me . It won 't be a problem . " " I don 't want to go through this alone , Cathy . " " Well , it 's getting late , and I have a full day tomorrow . I 'll call you . " " Okay , take care . See you soon . " She ran to get his coat , then walked him to the door . They hugged briefly at the door and then he left . Stephen stood in the hall and wondered what kind of a man would let his girlfriend spend time with an ex - fiancé . Maybe they 're not as close at I thought ; maybe he doesn 't love her . There were no signs that a man was living there . Maybe I still have a chance . I just need to remind her how great it was between us . I need to show her how we can have everything we ever wanted . " You promised to call ! Did Stephen get in touch with you ? " " Yeah . As a matter of fact , he just left . " Jenny was shocked . " You had him in your apartment ? ! " Catherine shrugged . " Sure , why not ? " Jenny wouldn 't bring up the horrible past if Catherine didn 't want to talk about it . " Oh . . . well . . . I don 't know . How 'd it go ? " " God , Jen , I feel so bad for him ! You didn 't tell me he was driving the car when his parents were killed . " Jenny balked with surprise . " What ? That 's the first time I 've heard that story . I can 't believe his cousin Kim never told me that . I swear I didn 't know , Cathy . . . " " That 's okay . I just wished I had known before I offered my sympathies . He told me he was drunk the night it happened , and he went to prison , but still . . . " " Wow ! " Catherine 's voice broke from emotion . " Yeah , and on top of all that , he found out recently that he doesn 't have much time left . . . " Jenny gasped . " You 're kidding me ? Why ? I mean . . . " " He 's got a brain tumor . They told him he 's only got a few months to live . " " Oh , Cathy , that 's horrible . I am so surprised ! Kim never told me any of this , and she 's always told me the significant things about Stephen . That is so odd . . . " " Well , it doesn 't really matter ; I just wish . . . I don 't know . . . He asked me to see him from time to time . He told me I 'm the most important person in his life . Jen , it 's so sad . I 'm all he 's got . " Jenny wouldn 't let Stephen sucker Catherine in again . " No , Cathy , he 's got an aunt and an uncle , his cousins . He has family , Cath . He has people he can turn to . " " Yeah … maybe , but while he 's here in New York . . . I can be there for him . It 's only a few more months . Maybe I . . . " The two friends sighed at the same time . Catherine sighed in sadness for the man who had once meant so much to her and the end of that relationship . Jenny sighed for Catherine . She was worried about her . She had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach . " Maybe I should call Kim , " she thought aloud . " Find out her take on this . " Catherine ignored the comment as she stifled a yawn . " Hey , Jen , I 'm pretty tired . " " Okay . Call me if anything else happens . " " I will . Goodnight , Jen . " " Goodnight , Cath , and please be careful ! " Catherine wondered briefly how odd it was that Jenny warned her to be careful . She yawned and headed to the bathroom to change for bed . The next day , Catherine went to work and had a pretty uneventful day . She was troubled by Stephen 's call and Jenny 's reaction to the whole situation and the feelings that were flowing through her . She decided to leave work early and go to see Vincent . She walked to her threshold and tapped out a message . She began to walk and was met halfway by Ellie . Ellie smiled up at her . " I don 't think you need help anymore . I can 't believe you made it this far . You 're almost to the outer tunnels . " " Good , I mean great ! I got an A + on my history paper . Vincent showed it to the whole class because I was the only one who did . " " I was in school once , too . It might have been a million years ago , but still … " Catherine smiled as she went to turn left , while Ellie turned right . She blushed in embarrassment and looked over at Ellie . Ellie shook her head . " No , you were right , but they changed the passageway two days ago . You would have come to a false wall around the bend . " Vincent had sensed when Catherine entered the tunnels and came to meet her . At a sound in the tunnelway , they both looked up and watched him walk up to them . He smiled at Catherine . " Vincent is available . " " Too many of them . The hardest thing to get them to do is to take their time and pay attention to the questions . " Vincent sighed , then cocked his head curiously . " I 'm surprised to see you here so early . " " I got off work early and needed to talk to you . Are you busy ? " She was embarrassed when she realized too late that he may have had other plans that she could be interrupting . " I 've made a promise to the children to help them read through Kubla Khan , but I have some time . " Catherine looked up hopefully . " Will you walk me back then ? " " What is it , Catherine ? What troubles you ? " Catherine shook her head in denial . " I wouldn 't say I 'm troubled . . . " She stopped to gather her thoughts , then sighed . " Vincent , I was engaged to be married once , back in grad school . It seems like a lifetime has passed since then . . . " Vincent nodded at this bit of news . " Maybe it has . You 've had a lot of change in your life . You 've grown . " Catherine nodded as she continued . " Stephen called me yesterday , and I met with him last night . He said he came to New York on business , but then later he admitted he was here specifically to see me . " " No , I think he knows that would never happen . His doctor 's gave him the news that he 's got a brain tumor . He 's dying . He asked if I could see him from time to time in the short time he has left . " Vincent knew Catherine 's generosity would lead her to help him . " So you 'll see him . " " I guess … I feel like I have to . He has no one else . " Vincent felt self - doubt start to wash over him . He had felt it one other time when Catherine started to fall in love with Elliot Burch . And even though they had grown as a couple since then , he looked at her timidly . " What is it that you feel for this man , Catherine ? " " I don 't know . We have so much history together , it 's hard to know what I 'm really feeling . " " You loved this man once . " " Once . . . and I still feel an obligation for him . I don 't know why . Because of his illness maybe … and because of the intimacy we once had . " " I understand . " " We were happy for awhile . Life seemed so simple then . " Catherine fondly let her mind drift back to the life she and Stephen led together . Vincent glanced off as she was speaking and became lost in some type of vision . " There was such . . . fear in your face . I 've never seen that before ! " Vincent knew he wasn 't afraid of anything , and he tried to decipher where the fear was coming from . He searched inward , then he looked at her with a question in his eyes . " Are you afraid , Catherine ? " She was surprised at the question . " Me ? Of what ? " " This man coming back into your life ? " Her brow furrowed in confusion and concern . " Is that what you 're sensing ? " " Perhaps . " Catherine sighed . " I don 't think afraid is the right word . Curious , maybe , about the road not taken , what my life would have held , and guilty , because I know I hurt him . " " When was the last time you saw him ? " " Five years ago . It was after I 'd broken off the engagement . He just wouldn 't accept it at first and we were arguing as usual . It was no different from our other arguments , but for some reason , that day , he believed me , and I never saw him again . Until now . " " So he 's come back to you when at his most vulnerable time . He must still love you . " She shrugged as she started to walk again . " I don 't know about that . I 'm sure he cares , but last night was different . It was familiar and different all at the same time . We 're strangers and . . . friends . " She nodded . They had reached the threshold to her apartment and she turned to him . " Thanks for listening and for walking me back . See you soon ? " She sighed in relief and relished his strength , then pulled slowly away . " Bye , Vincent " " Bye , Catherine . Be careful . " Catherine turned away , then thought about what he said and walked back to him , an odd expression in her eyes . " Vincent , that 's the same thing my friend Jenny said to me . " Vincent thought it was odd that another person close to her had issued the same warning . He felt a twinge of fear , but looked at her and shrugged . " Perhaps we 're just being over - cautious . " Vincent turned and walked back to the home tunnels . He kept his promise to the children and helped them with their reading . Still troubled by his discussion with Catherine , he decided to go to speak with Father . He could usually discuss his problems with him , and together they might come up with a workable solution . He walked into the library . " Father , are you busy ? " Father waved him over . " No , Vincent , it can wait . Come in . I wanted to thank you for helping with the children today . I know it meant a lot to them to have that extra study time . " Vincent smiled proudly . " They 're doing well with their studies . They probably didn 't need my assistance . " " Yes , that 's probably true . " Father looked up and could tell something was troubling his son . " But you didn 't come in here to talk about the children , Vincent . Tell me . " " I 've been having strange dreams lately . . . visions almost . They 've woken me from a sound sleep , come upon me for no reason in the middle of the day , torn me away from my reading . . . " Father looked on in concern . " What are they about ? " " It 's always the same . . . I 'm running at a great speed through the woods . It 's dark . I can 't tell if I 'm running away from something or to something . " Father thought about how odd it was that he had visions during the day . " And you say you 've had them in the middle of the day ? What were you doing at the time that brought these visions on ? " Vincent shrugged . " Nothing unusual . Yesterday , when I was reading to the children , and then later when I was walking Catherine home . " In frustration , Vincent held his hands up , then dropped them to his sides . " I 'm not sure . He 's dying and asked Catherine if he could see her from time to time . I think she just wanted to tell me about it . " " Well , why don 't you try , Vincent . " " A powerful image of foreboding every time I think of her . " " Foreboding . . . You mean some manifestation of the empathy you share ? " Vincent shook his head . " No , this is different . " Father tentatively continued . " You know , Vincent , I remember the last time a man came into her life . . . " Vincent interrupted him . " Please Father , these feelings are real . " " I 'm not disputing the feelings themselves , only the source of the feelings . " Vincent turned to him in surprise . " You think I am the source ? " Father nodded . " I can understand that . This man is someone with whom Catherine shared the dreams of a life together . A life , unfortunately , you and she can never have . " " That doesn 't explain the vision , the threat . " " The threat to her or the threat to you , Vincent ? " He shrugged and sighed . " I can 't tell . " " Are you afraid of losing her ? " He shook his head in frustration . " No , that 's not it . I trust Catherine . . . but I can 't explain this dream . " " Vincent , I told you that I looked at Catherine with a certain fondness and I do but . . . " Father sighed . " But how can you be so sure that this man is not a threat to you ? How do you know that he isn 't still in love with Catherine ? That he won 't try to make Catherine fall in love with him again ? " Vincent shrugged nonchalantly . " I know that if he loved her once before , he still loves her now . I also know that I can trust Catherine with my life . I don 't think that there is anything that I couldn 't tell Catherine . . . " Vincent nodded . In his heart , he believed that , deep down , Catherine was afraid of Stephen , and he reconsidered telling her about the dreams . He hoped it would help her come to terms with her buried feelings . Upon the death of his parents , Stephen became a wealthy man . With his shrewdness in the stock market , he increased that wealth tenfold , but continued to live his life as a pauper . Having no real friends or family , he slipped under the radar of the tabloids and spent all of his free time building his wealth to a level he felt Catherine could appreciate . Before he came to New York , he contacted a realtor and told her what he was looking for in a house . Two weeks later , she called him excitedly with the news that a huge country estate had recently come on the market . She made an appointment and showed him it and was pleased when he fell in love with it immediately . It was perfect for Stephen 's plan . He paid cash for it and was now out shopping . Spending his money freely , he purchased all of the furnishings for the house . He remembered Catherine expressing her wishes years ago , telling him exactly what their dream house would be like , and he decorated according to those wishes . His days were filled with deliveries and when everything was in place he excitedly placed a call to Catherine at work . A distracted Catherine reached for her phone . " Catherine Chandler . " " Hi , Cathy , it 's Stephen . " " Hi , Stephen . " " I was wondering if we could have dinner . We never got a chance to talk the other day . I thought maybe we could spend some time reminiscing and catching up ? " The smile faded from her face . Catherine hesitated , but agreed . " Sure , why don 't you come by my apartment . . . say 8 : 00pm . I could whip up something simple . " " That sounds great , but you 're working all day . Why don 't I bring us something for dinner . Do you still like Chinese , or would you rather have Italian ? " She waved her hand dismissively . " I don 't care ; either one sounds good . You know what I like . Whatever you bring will be fine . " " Okay , I 'll see you around 8 : 00 . " Catherine got home and waited for Stephen 's arrival . He was on time , and they ate their dinner and reminisced about their old college days . They talked about old teachers and friends , old hangouts . It was a pleasant evening until they started to talk about their relationship . Stephen made some comments that made Catherine very uncomfortable . She attributed it to the guilt she felt for hurting him and tried to push them off to the side so she could be there for him through these last few months . Stephen knew he had made her uncomfortable and got up suddenly saying he should go home . He turned to her . " Listen , the Met is doing ' Tosca ' tomorrow night . I know it used to be one of your favorite operas . " " Yeah , it still is . " She thought for a moment about Vincent . How will I ever see him ? she wondered . She knew Vincent would understand , so she smiled at Stephen . " I 'm free . I 'd love to . " " Good . " He kissed her goodbye and left . " Why is he back in town ? " Charles uncharacteristically interrupted . " Well … I … didn 't ask . It was his home at one time . I would imagine he 's here on some type of business . " " Dad , he 's had some pretty devastating news . He doesn 't have much longer to live . I guess he just wanted to let me know . " Charles was unusually over - protective , and Catherine frowned in confusion . " I will , Dad , I promise . Maybe Stephen and I can meet you for dinner before the show . " Charles chuckled derisively . " I 've seen enough of that boy to last me a lifetime . I 'm sorry , Cathy , I have no desire to see him ever again . " Catherine had a horrible day at work . Marci O ' Neil , the abused woman , had stabbed her husband during an argument . He was in intensive care fighting for his life and she was in prison . Catherine ran to the prison to interview her . She listened as Marci told her she stabbed him because he was beating her up again . She couldn 't remember how it happened ; it just did . Catherine sympathized with her , but Marci would be assigned to a public defender . Catherine would be unable to help her , and it would be even worse for her if her husband died . Stephen was calling to cancel their date . He said he 'd forgotten to take his medicine and now he didn 't feel well . He told her to go without him , and she said no , she would rather just stop by his hotel later on instead . Catherine headed back to work only to discover Vincent had sent word to through a messenger asking her to meet him at the park entrance . She knew it had to be something important for Vincent to request she come see him during the workday , so she ran past Joe 's office and stuck her head in . " I 've got a lead ; I may not be back . " Catherine made her way to the park and carefully looked around to ensure she wasn 't being watched as she ducked into the tunnel entrance . Vincent was waiting for her when she walked up . She smiled , happy to see him . " Hi Vincent . " " Hello , Catherine . Thank you for coming . " " Your message said you needed to see me right away . What 's up ? " Vincent looked down at the ground unsure about where to begin . " I have something I believe is of importance that I need to share with you . " Catherine came forward , worried about his expression . " Okay , so tell me . " " Catherine , lately I 've . . . been having odd dreams , visions . I think they 're warning me about some danger to you . " She realized he was serious and looked over at him curiously . " What am I supposed to be in danger from ? " " I don 't know . I was hoping you could tell me . Has there been something different going on with you in your life ? " She shrugged . " Only Stephen , but you knew about him . " " Are you afraid of him ? " Catherine furrowed her brow in confusion . " Vincent , that 's twice you 've asked me that . Are you afraid of him . . . I mean , of my past relationship with him ? " Vincent shook his head in denial . Something inside of him knew Catherine 's feelings for this man were those of a friend . He knew she didn 't love Stephen in that way . He truly wasn 't concerned about their relationship . Catherine tried to come to terms with the things Vincent was feeling . " What else can you tell me about the images that you 've seen ? " He shrugged and looked down . " Nothing . " She shook her head . " I don 't understand . " " I 'm not certain myself . I have nothing more than a feeling , an image that evaporates whenever I try to touch it . " " Are you sure this even has anything to do with me ? " " You provoke the image . The thought of you , even your name , brings it to my eyes . " She became angry at his evasiveness and looked at him in exasperation . " What do you expect me to do ? I 've told you what I 'm thinking . You already feel everything I feel , and now you say I 'm in danger , only you can 't tell me from whom or why . . . " He pleaded with her , wanting her to understand . " Because I don 't know myself . " She grew angrier . " Is this fair of you Vincent ? You know I value your word above all others . " Catherine had never directed such strong feelings at him . He blanched under her anger . " Catherine , I fear for you . " He looked at her with concern . " Don 't go . " " He 's my friend Vincent and I care about him . He 's dying , and , at the very least , I owe him my trust . " Vincent wanted to calm her down and offer his comfort . " Catherine . . . " She began to cry as she begged him to understand . " He 's dying , Vincent , and I 'm all he has ! " Overcome by her feelings , she suddenly stormed away from him . Vincent took a step towards her and cursed that it was daytime as she fled through the park . He turned around and resigned himself to go back Below . He felt her anger flowing through the bond . He knew he had upset her , but he couldn 't shake the feeling of fear inside of him . He had wanted to discuss it with her , but instead he had only made things worse . He thought about the long hours ahead of him before it would be safe to go and see her . He remembered that she said she was going to see Stephen again tonight . His insecurity kicked in , and he hoped that maybe she wouldn 't go , that she would reject his attempts to talk to her and stay in the safety of her home . Catherine walked quickly through the park . She was upset with Vincent and her thoughts were racing . How could he do this to me ? Why would he try to scare me like this ? Is he jealous of Stephen ? Why would he be jealous of Stephen ? He knows I love him . Is this insecurity showing ? " Catherine 's love for Vincent calmed her down and her steps slowed . She was sorry she screamed at him . She debated going back Below , but decided she would write him a note and send it to him . She got back to the office , grabbed her stationary , and wrote Vincent that note . She finished up her work and left for the day . She delivered her note to a helper who she knew would see that Vincent got her message immediately , and then she continued on to Stephen 's hotel . Stephen invited her in and ordered coffee from room service . They talked and this time it was easier . The awkwardness was gone and it was like old times . Stephen told Catherine he was looking at a house to buy and asked if she would go see it with him . She debated because she was so busy , but he pushed her , and she finally relented and agreed to go with him on Saturday . When she left , Stephen smiled to himself . His plan was set in motion , but he would have a ton of work to accomplish between now and then . Vincent worked in the lower tunnels trying to get his mind off of the argument he had with Catherine . Zach ran into the chamber . " Vincent , Father asked me to tell you he had a message for you . " Vincent spent a half an hour more on his project , then finished it , cleaned up his tools , and left for the library . He walked in by his Father . " Father , you have a message for me ? " " Yes , it came this afternoon while you were on work detail in the lower tunnels . It wasn 't marked urgent so I assumed . . . . " Father handed Vincent the envelope with Catherine 's familiar handwriting on it . " That 's fin , e Father , Catherine knows the system . If it was urgent , she would have indicated so . " Vincent took the sealed envelope from Father . He wondered what the note said . He wondered if she was still angry with him . He wondered if she . . . Father interrupted his thoughts . " Aren 't you going to open it ? " Vincent nodded and sighed as he opened the envelope and read her words . Dear Vincent , I wanted to apologize to you for my earlier outburst . The only excuse I have is that it was an impossibly horrible day at work today , and that , coupled with your fear for me , sent me over the edge . Still , it was no reason for me to take my anger out on you . Vincent , please know that I love that you know what I 'm feeling and how you worry about me . I cherish knowing that you are always near . For you , I will be extra careful , but I want you to know that I really don 't think I 'm in any danger . Sleep well tonight . Hold my rose close to your heart and know that you can be safe in the knowledge that you alone have all my love . Talk to you soon . Love , Vincent threw his head back and sighed in relief . She was no longer mad at him . Father saw his reaction to her letter . " Good news , I take it ? " " Yes , Catherine and I had a … disagreement earlier . " " All couples argue , Vincent , it 's natural . Besides , making up is always fun . " Father joked with him , knowing how upset his son must have been when he thought Catherine was angry . Then realized what he just said and blushed . Vincent was shocked at his father 's response . He was treating Catherine and he like any other couple he knew . Vincent shrugged and Father continued . " All is well between you two now ? " " Although she didn 't need to do so , Catherine has apologized . It was probably my fault for speaking to her about my dreams . She said she didn 't need the burden of my fears to live with in the world Above . She feels like you … that I 'm afraid of this man coming back into her life , but … Father … I still think it 's she who should be afraid . " " Maybe she 'll be okay , Vincent . Try not to worry . At any rate , it looks like you can relax ; she is no longer mad at you . " Vincent glanced at the letter and then looked at his father . " Yes . " Vincent went back to his chamber and lay down on his bed . He took out the rose from Catherine and held it in his hand . He absently rubbed it with his thumb as he reread her letter . He smiled and put it on his bedside table , then put his arm behind his head . Once again , the nightmare assailed him . He sat up and gasped in fright as it drifted from his mind . Stephen was pressed for time getting his new house ready for Catherine . Late Friday night , all of the final touches were put into place . He smiled as he walked through the rooms , satisfied that his surprise was going to be perfect . He left early Saturday morning and picked Catherine up at her apartment . They made small talk on the way out to the house . When it came in to view , Catherine gasped at the beauty . As they walked the grounds , Stephen surprised her and told her he had bought it already . He walked her to a certain spot and showed her the view from the porch . " Do you recognize it ? " She shook her head in confusion . " Recognize what ? " He held his arms out wide . " The whole thing . " She shrugged in confusion . " No , should I ? " " Come on . . . you 'll see . " He walked with her into the house . Stephen told her he had been working day and night to get the house ready for her . He excitedly dragged her from room to room , showing her how he had decorated it with all the things she had spoken about . Catherine wondered briefly what he was talking about , but she pushed it to the side and became excited for him . He dragged her up to the main bedroom . She smiled at the expanse of the room and of the beautiful interior . Then she saw a picture of herself , framed , sitting on the dresser top , and had an odd feeling settle in the pit of her stomach as she turned to face him . " Cathy , you remember how I liked buying you things ? Even clothes . I got pretty good at it , I thought . Everything in the right style and size . " He opened up a huge bureau and Catherine saw that it was filled with women 's clothes . Stephen was pleased with himself . " Take a look . You won 't have to go back and pack a thing . " " Stephen , I can 't stay here with you . " At the confusion on his face , she continued . " I want you to take me home . " " Why ? If you need anything , I 'll send for it . " Stephen grabbed a satiny negligee from the closet and smiled at her . " I really want you to try this one on . Cath , it 'll look beautiful on you , I promise . " She looked at him forcefully . " Stephen , you 're making me very uncomfortable . Please take me home ! " He was really confused now . " But , Cath , you are home . " " I 'll be waiting outside in the car , " Catherine demanded as she stormed past him and made her way downstairs . Unhappy that she was not going forward with his plan , Stephen went after her and followed her from room to room , trying to convince her . She reached the front door and discovered it was locked from the inside . She realized it couldn 't open it without the key . She looked up at him with disbelief and ran to another door , and it too was locked . She started to panic . She ran to a window , unlocked it , and was trying to raise it up when he grabbed her from behind . They struggled , and she pushed him over . When she tried to run past him , he tackled her , and they struggled on the floor as he quickly overpowered her . Below , Vincent was unable to sleep and was walking through the tunnels . After Catherine 's first burst of fear , he came to a dead stop . He concentrated fully on the bond trying to sense her location . He knew she was some distance away , but he had a general idea of the direction . He roared in anguish when he felt the bond go silent . He knew something bad had happened to her . He ran at top speed through the tunnels toward the subways . He stopped briefly to tap out a message declaring he would be gone , then hopped a train that would take him closer to her location . He knew he could get within a mile or two of her , and he hoped the bond would open up again soon . Stephen sat with her the whole time . When she slowly began to wake , he put ice on the bump on her head to reduce the swelling as he caressed her arms , offering her his comfort . She was still lethargic , and he helped her get into a sitting position in a chair , then tied her arms down so she couldn 't escape . Her head fell forward as she found herself waking slowly with a pounding headache . After she became fully conscious , she found herself seated in the formal dining room at a beautifully set table , in romantic candlelight . She saw it was dark outside and realized that several hours must have passed since they 'd arrived here . Stephen had left to bring her the dinner he had prepared for them , and she frantically looked around the room , trying to come up with an escape plan . Stephen looked over at her from across the table . " Why don 't you eat something , sweetheart ? " Catherine looked at him with sympathy . " Stephen , you need help . Please , let me help you . " He wondered what she was talking about . " Help me ? " " You 're not thinking clearly anymore . " She assumed it was his brain tumor making him act this way . Stephen looked at her angrily . " I don 't understand you . I 've done everything possible to give you everything that you wanted . I mean , this is what you wanted , isn 't it ? " She knew he was talking about the house and its lavish furnishings . " Once , maybe , but not now . I 've changed . You don 't know me anymore ! " " Don 't say that ! " he exploded , banging his hand down on the table . " Look , all I am asking you is to trust me . We can be happy here together ; I know it . No one can love you like I love you . " He moved closer to her and took her hand . " Do you want me to show you or tell you ? " He giggled as he grabbed her and kissed her . Catherine struggled against his kiss until he exploded in anger . " You never trusted me ! That was the problem ! " He moved in to kiss her again as she screamed and pulled away frantically . She heard the splintering of the wood as she broke loose the arm of the chair . She grabbed for the piece of wood and hit Stephen over the head with it , then ran and crashed through the glass door . She fell to the ground and gasped from the impact . She ignored the pain in her hands as the glass cut into her , and she got up and ran into the woods . Stephen recovered and chased after her . He pursued her through the dense woods and quickly overtook her , tackling her to the ground . He overpowered her and sat on top of her as he put his hands around her neck and began choking her . Screaming at her , begging to understand why it couldn 't work between them * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Vincent had leapt from the train at a point near where he thought Catherine was located . He walked and hid in the woods until he felt the bond slowly open again as she regained consciousness . When he could feel her fully again , he followed his heart , knowing it would lead him to her . Twenty minutes later , Vincent was reliving the scenes from his nightmares . He ran full speed through the woods towards Catherine . He came upon her and Stephen and , with a roar , jumped into the clearing . Stephen left Catherine as he backed away in fear from this monster coming after him . Vincent pursued him and lashed out , ripping downward across Stephen 's chest . He 'd raised his arm to deliver the final blow when Catherine scrambled off the ground . She grabbed his arm and struggled to turn him towards her , screaming to get his attention . " No , Vincent . No , Vincent ! " He stopped immediately to focus on her as he tried to gain control over himself . Catherine leaned against his chest as he came back to reality . " It 's over . " She buried her face in his chest . " It 's over , " she repeated as his arms tightened their grip on her . He noticed the cuts she had on her arms . " Are you okay ? " She nodded her assent . " Are you ? " He nodded his answer . " I have to call an ambulance , Vincent , will you help me get him back ? " Vincent nodded , picked Stephen up , and carried him home . He laid him down on the couch inside the broken glass door , while Catherine called for the police and an ambulance . Catherine turned as she hung up the phone . " They 'll be coming soon . You should leave . " They looked down at Stephen and Catherine balked at the huge blood stains down his shirt . " He can 't hurt me right now . I 'll be fine , but how will you get home ? " Vincent shrugged . " The same way I got here . It 's not me you should concern yourself with . . . " He looked at Stephen , then back at her apologetically . " I 'm sorry . " Catherine nodded as another officer came through and introduced himself as Vail . Vail rushed to Stephen 's side and assessed his condition . He called over his radio to see how far away the ambulance was . Since they were out front , he went to meet them , and it wasn 't long before the paramedics had Stephen stabilized and on his way to the hospital . Catherine motioned to the officers to sit down . " Officer Kyres , Officer Vail , my name is Catherine Chandler ; I 'm with the District Attorney 's office in the city . " " We broke up a little over five years ago . Stephen came back into town recently and asked to see me . He told me has a degenerative brain tumor and that he only has a few months left to live . He asked me to come with him this afternoon and give him an opinion on buying this house . " Catherine looked up at Vail as she realized how ridiculous it sounded . Why hadn 't she thought of that earlier ? She shrugged . " I guess I just didn 't think of it . Anyway Stephen brought me here . Once he got me here , he got very excited . He kept pointing out things that he said I had told him I wanted . " Catherine shook her head . " No , I guess it must have been things we talked about when we lived together back in college . Anyway , he had a closet full of women 's clothes that he said he picked out for me . It was then that I realized he thought that I 'd be staying here with him . I got uncomfortable and asked him to take me home . " " I came downstairs to head for the car and realized he had locked us in . He must 've locked all of the doors from the inside with a key . I ran to one of the windows and tried to open it , and he grabbed me from behind and stopped me from getting out . I 've taken self defense classes and I was able to knock him to the floor . As I passed him , he grabbed my legs and pulled me to the floor , then hit me over the head with a statue or something . " Catherine felt around and found a bump still on her head . She pointed to Vail who reached up and felt the bump also . He nodded over to Kyres , who looked at Catherine . " Do you want to get that checked out ? " " No , I 'm all right . I was unconscious for quite some time though . When I woke up , I discovered Stephen had tied me to a chair in the dining room . " He left me alone to cook an elaborate dinner and while he was eating his , I tried to reach out and talk to him . Explain to him that he was no longer thinking clearly . He came over and began to kiss me … I was afraid he would try to . . . " Catherine 's voice trailed off when she remembered the revulsion she felt while Stephen was kissing her . Kyres finished her thought . " You were afraid he would rape you ? " Catherine nodded . " I was so scared . I kept yanking on my arms and the arm of the chair eventually broke off . " She lifted her shirt sleeve and showed them deep burn marks and cuts in her wrists from the rope she was tied with . " I hit Stephen over the head with the arm of the chair and crawled out a window . Once I got outside , I ran into the woods . " The officer looked over at her . " How 'd Stephen get those cuts on his chest ? " Catherine shrugged . " I don 't know … I heard the shattering of glass and Stephen scream out in pain . When I came back to see if he was okay … " Vail rolled his eyes as he got a call over the radio that reminded Catherine of Joe 's reaction when they were interviewing Marci O ' Neil . She swallowed hard as she continued . " Stephen was lying on the ground when I came back . I guess he jumped through the window . He must have been cut then . He woke up enough for me to help him to the couch and then he passed out . " Vail came back and looked at Kyres . " Bass is a psych patient . He was released a few weeks ago . " Kyres nodded at this bit of news , then closed his note book . " You 're free to go , Miss Chandler . There 's a deputy outside who can give you a ride home or to the nearest hospital if you want to go those wrists checked out . " " I 'll go home . Thank you . " Catherine walked to her purse and handed Kyres her business card . " If you need to contact me for any reason . . . " " I should 've been too . Stephen took me to a home in New Rochelle under false pretenses . Once there , he locked me inside with him and told me I had no need to return here , that he would send for anything I needed . I panicked and tried to escape . He knocked me unconscious . When I woke up . . . " Catherine began to cry . " I discovered that he 'd tied me up ; I tried to reason with him , but he was delusional … One thing led to another and he … tried to kiss me . I fought and eventually broke free and crashed through the glass door to get out . I took off running into the woods , but he followed me . He caught up to me , and after he got me to the ground he started choking me . I was about to pass out … I don 't know where Vincent came from , but he was suddenly just there . " " No , I stopped him in time , but he had knocked Stephen out . I had to find a way to cover it up and asked Vincent to carry him back to the house for me . I called the police and Vincent said he would get home the way he 'd gotten there . . . Whatever that means . " " It means he rode on the top of a train . New Rochelle you say ? The trains don 't run as frequently out there this time of night . My guess is he 's waiting somewhere for a train . " Catherine looked up through tear filled eyes , realizing what he said made sense . Father stood and came closer to her . " Now , you say you were knocked unconscious ? " Catherine nodded and reached up and found the spot where Stephen had hit her , then took Father 's hand to the area so he could feel it . Father rubbed it and frowned at the size of the bump . " Are you having any vision or hearing problems ? " Catherine shook her head , so Father continued . " How long were you out ? " Father grabbed a flashlight from nearby . He shined it into her eyes and watched as the pupils dilated normally . He mumbled something unintelligible , then noticed the red marks on her neck . He lifted her chin and gasped at the deep fingerprint bruises evident around her neck . " Catherine , are you having any breathing problems or any problems swallowing ? " " No . " Father reached for her wrist to take her pulse and Catherine winced in pain . He lifted up her shirtsleeve and studied the bruise . " How did this happen ? " Father rolled his eyes and called for Mary , who came immediately . Catherine changed and sat with a towel wrapped around her body as Mary and Father extracted pieces of glass . Father sighed as he removed dozens of small pieces from her shoulders and neck , as well as some from the palms of her hands . Luckily none of the cuts were deep , and Catherine wouldn 't need stitches . Finally , Father was finished , and Mary cleaned everything thoroughly . Father wrapped her upper arm in thick gauze over the worst of all the areas before he turned his attention back to her wrists . Mary gasped at the severity of the cuts as Father put a soothing salve over the rope burns and wrapped her wrists in gauze as well . He looked into Catherine 's eyes and could see she was tired and in pain . " Anywhere else ? " He shrugged . " I don 't think he 'll be here for a few more hours . I want you to get home and get some rest . " When Catherine opened her mouth , Father knew it was to protest and stopped her . " No arguments , young lady . " She nodded , and Father called for Jamie to accompany her home . Catherine sighed . " I wish I could just pick him up in my car . " Jamie laughed . " That would be a sight for someone . Can you imagine seeing Vincent 's face in the car next to you at a stoplight ? " Jamie giggled and Catherine couldn 't stop herself from giggling as well . She stopped and became serious . " At least I would know he 's home and safe . " They walked and were almost to the threshold when Jamie heard a message over the pipes . " Shhh . " She listened , then smiled " It 's Vincent . He 's back . " Jamie tapped out a message and waited for a reply . She turned to Catherine . " He said he 's fine ; he just got off the train . He also said he has a long walk and you should go home because you 're tired . " " Cathy , it 's Jenny . After our talk the other day I called Kim Bass , Stephen 's cousin . I don 't know what kind of a line he handed you , but his parents died on a bus trip , you remember the one that skidded off the highway in New England ? They were on that . He wasn 't with them when they died , and no one knows anything about a brain tumor . They did say that , since college , Stephen 's been being treated for depression and delusional behavior . Maybe you shouldn 't see him anymore , Cathy . . . Well , call me . " Catherine sighed . Now she tells me , she thought as she picked up the phone and dialed Jenny 's number . " Hello . " " I knew you shouldn 't have talked to him . The second I gave him your phone number I regretted it . I should 've remembered how hard it was for you to break up with him . He suckered you back in to him every time . " The next day , Catherine called the hospital only to discover Stephen had been moved to the psychiatric ward . Worried about what he was saying , she hopped into the car and drove out to the hospital . She walked on to the floor where he was being kept and stopped at security and flashed her badge . " My name 's Catherine Chandler . I 'm with the District Attorney 's office in the city . I 'd like to speak with someone about Stephen Bass . " The guard waved her past and Catherine followed the doctor to his office . " Please take a seat , " he offered as he walked around the desk to take his seat . " I 'm Doctor Robinson . I was on duty last night when Mr . Bass was brought in . " Catherine immediately shook her head and interrupted him . " Dr . Robinson , Stephen and I met in grad school and started a relationship . We 'd been living together for almost two years when we became engaged . About four months later , Stephen 's behavior began to change and after a few more months , I called it off and moved out . " " Stephen called me up , and we saw each other a few times . He told me about his brain tumor and how little time he has left . With his parents gone now , I thought that I could be there for him ; help make his last days comfortable . " The doctor frowned as he jotted down more notes . " Miss Chandler , can I ask you to take a minute and think back to the moment when you actually broke up with Mr . Bass … " Catherine leaned back in her chair as her mind floated back to that day . " Do you remember exactly what prompted you to make the final decision to end your relationship ? " Catherine pictured herself in their kitchen , ready to go out with Jenny . They were going to go to the mall to do some Christmas shopping , then make their annual trip to see The Nutcracker with her Dad . She gasped when she remembered Stephen grabbing her arm and accusing her of trying to get away from him . She rubbed her wrist as she relived the pain from him twisting it to bring her closer to him . She remembered the exact moment he grabbed a wad of her hair at the back of her head and roughly pulled it back . She remembered being afraid of the anger in his eyes as he told her she would never find anyone to love her the way he did . Jenny chose that moment to knock on the door and let herself in . Catherine lowered her eyes shamefully as Jenny gasped at the rough grip Stephen had on her friend . " Two more minutes and you would have caught us making love . " Stephen chuckled . Catherine could feel the bile rise in her throat at the thought of him touching her and she grabbed her purse and keys from the counter . She grabbed Jenny 's hand and opened the door before she turned back to face him . " I 'm spending the night at Jenny 's tonight . I want you and everything you own out of here by the morning . I 'll have the campus police come with me in the morning as well as a locksmith . Don 't leave anything behind . " Catherine was pulled back from her memory as she sighed . " I was on my way out and he was jealous , I guess … he got a little rough with me and when my girlfriend showed up , I told him he needed to be gone by morning . " " So the final straw was him getting violent with you ? " " And you don 't feel that 's violent ? " Catherine waffled until he looked at her . " If you had a case of domestic abuse and this happened to the woman , would you tell her the man wasn 't violent and send her back for more ? " Catherine 's face showed her horror as she stared at the doctor . " He lied to me about having a brain tumor ? ! He 's not dying ? ! " " I can 't discuss Mr . Bass 's health with you , but as an investigator for the DA 's office , I can repeat to you what I just said . Stephen Bass has no known physical condition that would prevent him from standing trial for his actions . His mental stability is another matter that we are currently assessing . " Robinson shook his head ruefully . " I can 't let you see him . The fact that he tried to kidnap you and kept you hostage in his home is just a small part of his problem . The police report said he tied you up and when you escaped he jumped through a window to try to get to you . " " My pet lion ? " Catherine repeated incredulously in the hopes of showing Stephen 's continued delusional behavior . " The one I left in the car with the windows rolled down ? " Catherine left and made her way back to the city . She thought about going to the tunnels , but knew Vincent would come to her if he felt like seeing her . After the way she treated him , she felt she would leave it up to him to make the first move . That night , she heard a noise on her balcony and made her way outside wrapped in a big blanket . She threw the blanket on the table as she smiled tentatively at Vincent . " You got home okay ? " She touched his arm to comfort him . " He was hurting me and you stopped him . For that I 'll be forever grateful . " He hated that she had to lie because of him . " The police . . . must have had questions . . . " " I covered it up . They believed me . " " He saw my face , Catherine . If he tells someone about me and they find out about . . . " Catherine interrupted him . " Vincent , please try not to worry . Stephen has been under psychiatric care for the past few years . They took him to a local ward . I don 't think they 'll believe anything he says . " " Have you seen him ? " " They wouldn 't let me . " She noticed his strange behavior and attributed it to the shame she thought he felt . " Don 't be ashamed Vincent ; you only did what you had to do . " " I know that . " Catherine sighed . " I was the one who was unfair . I just thought that you were feeling betrayed . I forgot for a moment how you trust me . I should have trusted you . " She looked up at him . " How did you know ? " " I knew because . . . somehow . . . somewhere deep inside you . . . you must have known ! " She turned from him and let the truth of what he said wash over her . She had fought with him because he recognized in her the true feelings she was suppressing . He knew her feelings better than she did . She felt horrible . Vincent knew she felt guilty and in his usual manner wanted to comfort her . He touched her shoulder and gently turned her to look at him . " Catherine . " She reluctantly met his eyes . He held open his arms to her . She moved gratefully into them and he held her close , tucking her into his favorite spot under his chin . Catherine wrapped her arms around him , thankful for his love that was surrounding her . Vincent soothed her as he gently ran his hand up and down her back . Catherine snuggled down into his embrace and listened to his heart beating steady and strong . Catherine eventually leaned back slightly and looked up at him . " Have you forgiven me for ignoring your warnings ? " He tilted her chin up . " If you had listened to your heart , this wouldn 't have happened . I remember telling you once that your fear could keep you alive . You still need to learn to listen to it more often . " Catherine nodded . " I 'm working on an abuse case at work . I thought this woman was so naive for continually believing her husband wouldn 't hurt her . Why didn 't I see the same things in myself ? Why did I let Stephen drag me in the way he did ? I remember thinking he was already starting to monopolize my time . I remember resenting it ! Why did I let him do it ? " Vincent caught her eye . " Because you 're a caring individual who wants to believe that people are good . That 's not a bad trait to have , Catherine . " She smiled at him . " How do you do it , Vincent ? How do you always know the right thing to say to make me feel good again ? " Catherine laid her head back against his chest . Vincent cuddled her close and walked her over to the corner of the balcony . He left her for a second to grab the blanket off the table and spread it out on the ground . |
Caution : This Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Oral Sex , Anal Sex , Desc : Sex Story : Chapter 1 - Hubby and I separatly decide to have a date with some else at the same time , same night . They are surprised as they meet the other person . A good surprise as it turns out . Brian stared at his computer screen , there were numbers on it dealing with his and his wife 's taxes , but he wasn 't looking at them . He was feeling very frustrated and it had nothing to with the numbers on the monitor . He was thinking about the last two months . " I just don 't understand it , " he thought , " Our relationship wasn 't the best but we were getting along . The last two months though everything has gone down hill . We haven 't had sex for a month and before that it was three weeks . True , we did it two days in a row , but the second day was just a quickie , neither as physically nor emotionally satisfying as really making love . " He threw the paper he was looking over at the computer screen . " Damn it , I still care for her but I don 't know if she feels the same . I 'm afraid she doesn 't . She 's been even more distant lately . Of course being honest , its not all her fault . I 've been spending more time at work and with my friends on the weekend instead of with her . I haven 't been all that romantic either . But it 's hard to be romantic if you don 't know how the other person feels , or think there is a good chance she will reject the romance . " He shook his head again . " When we got married twelve years ago it was great , the wedding went off without much of a hitch . There were two small things that went wrong , but we laughed together when her gown 's train was caught on that small post on the way to the reception . Her maid of honor took her aside and fixed the problem really fast and very few people knew she had a stain and a rip on the train . On our First anniversary I hit on the perfect celebration with dinner at that new restaurant with the view of the city and afterwards we went to see that short musical . When we got home we made love all night long . Literally . Neither one of us got any sleep and had to go to work that way . I just kept getting turned on by her and her love for me and I could tell by what she said and her body language that she was feeling the same . I didn 't even mind sucking two doses of my cum out of her pussy at one point . I did good with her too . I know she had over ten orgasms that night . " God I still love her , I wish I knew what to say to get her to see that . But the last couple of years we have not been all that close . . . too many different activities . We still get along though and we still like each other . We make good love even if it is a lot less than it had been the first few years . It wasn 't all her doing of course . I have gotten too busy also and I didn 't always react in a good way to her . At least , though , we hadn 't been fighting that much the last two months . Which might be because we haven 't been talking much the last few months , not more then what we need to living in the same house anyway . We did have a couple doozies , one of which was my fault for it lasting as long as it did . Something small had set us off , I think it was me taking up some of her parking spot in our driveway . She usually didn 't make that big a deal of that but that time she did . I reacted badly and away we went . One of our worst fights ever too . Of course it wouldn 't have been so bad if I hadn 't said something just as she was winding down . If I had just kept my temper in check a little longer we would have missed the second half of that fight . The half that was the worst . I really said some things I was sorry for . I apologized for a couple of the statements I made but she didn 't seem to receive it . Not that she said she rejected it . It was more her attitude . That 's one reason I 'm not sure if she still loves me . She stayed mad for longer than usual and soon after started spending even more time over at her friend 's place . I just don 't know what to do . I know I have reacted badly to things . I sulked too much over our lack of sex for one thing . We would go days without it . Some times she would apologize for ignoring me or for forgetting that we needed to do it but then she would go right on being too busy . She wanted to snuggle , kiss and she would even play with me now and then , but I got tired of being horny with no release . I cut down on hugging her and kissing back . I started to spend more time away from home on the weekend and coming home later . Hmmm , I wonder if she thought I was having an affair ? I hadn 't thought of that before . That would explain some of her reactions . Maybe we should talk more . I could set up a date with her and talk after we come home . Of course the last time we went out on date , only a couple of months ago , she wasn 't all that impressed . Which is another reason I wonder if she still loves me . True it was something we had done a few times before and she likes it when I try something new . That could account for some of her attitude but I was under the impression it was more than that . We had such good times too , back when . Not only did the wedding go smoothly but the wedding night was fantastic . Mary thought so too . We made it to our room still wearing our wedding gear . After kissing she wanted out of the dress so I helped her out part way but then she said that she was going to finish in the other room . That disappointed me but only for a moment , for after a few minutes she came out wearing one of the sexiest nightgowns I had ever seen . It was white with a skin hugging top , that both hid and showed her breasts . On the bottom there was only what I found out later to be a thong panty . There were also white silk stockings that went up to her upper thigh and connected to a garter belt . She was so beautiful and exciting I could only stare . She was better looking than those models in the Fredrick 's of Hollywood TV commercials . Finally she asked me if I liked it and I told her how beautiful she was and that she was better looking than those models . She smiled shyly and told me to come get her . I did , and we went on to have a good time . She was a virgin as I was , even though I had had more experience than she . I think I gave her a good time . Afterwards she said I had been gentle and loving . I had wanted to just stick it in her , but I knew I needed to be careful because I not only wanted to give her a good time I didn 't want to hurt her . So I took my time getting her out of that outfit . I rubbed her breasts some while kissing her , I had felt the breasts of two girls through their tops before but this material was thinner and I could feel the shape of my bride 's breasts better than with the other two . That had been a big turn on . They were nice sized and shaped like some type of melons . I couldn 't wait to see them fully . I slowly took off Mary 's top , slipping it over her shoulders with more kissing and licking the side of her neck just under her ear . She shivered , but groaned as I nibbled her chin . She tensed at one point but then relaxed . I thought it was because we had reached the point where she usually stopped me - but now there was no reason to . Then I started slipping her top off and she just smiled at me . Once it was off I stepped back and looked at her bosom fully for the first time . I had seen parts of them but never a whole breast and never both at the same time . They were beautiful - as I told her . Again I had to fight the urge just to throw her on the bed and to rip off the rest of her clothes . I stared and then bent forward suddenly and started licking one . She gasped and pulled back but then relaxed herself and just enjoyed it . Again , I thought her reaction was automatic , out of the habit of saying ' no ' to sexual pleasures . But she had remembered that it was okay now . Boy , I enjoyed myself hugely as I licked both breasts and sucked on the nipples . I sucked on the slopes of each breasts too leaving behind half a dozen hickeys on each . Mary got mad at me later when she put on her bikini and discovered two hickeys could be seen . Everyone who glanced at her would know what they were . But at the time I wasn 't thinking of that , I was just enjoying myself while making sure she was enjoying herself . After a few minutes I laid her on the bed and took off her bottoms . I slowly slipped them down her legs so I could gradually see what I had been getting glimpses of all night . Once the whole thing was revealed I just stared . I finally was able to see a pussy , I had touched a few but never seen one before . I climbed onto the bed and started licking her legs at knee level . First one then the other back and forth slowly making my way up to that beautiful erotic sight between her legs . At first she didn 't seem to get much out of it but as I worked my way upward she began to enjoy it . She groaned loudly as I swiped my tongue over the inside of her upper thigh so I knew I was doing good . I spent some extra time there just licking away and sucking on certain spots . I left even more hickeys there which she also got mad at me about when she put on her bikini . But at that moment she wanted more . Finally I made it to that spot , that wonderful sexy slit of hers . I spent half a minute I think just looking at it at close range . I took in the lips , the area around it and even her clitoris . I stopped the examination when she said something I didn 't catch . I told her that I had been overwhelmed by what I was looking at which was true . When I started to lick her pussy she went wild . I swiped my tongue over it from bottom to top half a dozen times . Mary moaned big time and when I took one lip in my mouth and started sucking she grabbed my head and pushed against it , keeping my mouth on her . I didn 't care , I just sucked , licked and slurped her juices . I switched to her clit just grabbing it in my mouth and suGod , my turn felt so good . No girl had ever sucked on me before , even though a couple had given me climaxes while rubbing me through my pants . When Mary put her mouth over my cock and sucked I jerked and let out a sound that was almost a scream . She licked it some first and even sucked on the middle of the top , probably trying to leave a hickey of her own . That was good , but when she sucked with the whole head in her mouth my pleasure increased ten fold I think . And she kept it up until I came . I warned her not knowing if she really wanted to swallow my seed but she did . She ignored my warning and seconds later as she sucked the head and ran a hand up and down the shaft my mind exploded in the biggest orgasm I have ever had . I know I jammed my shaft further into her mouth but I couldn 't help it . When the first glob of sperm shot out I screamed , and I let out another sound as the second and third squirt shot out . She must have swallowed most of it as I filled her mouth . Finally I relaxed and when my limp shaft popped out of her mouth she opened it to show me the last of my sperm still there . Mary told me later that a friend had told her to do that . I ended up just staring again . I did a lot of staring that night . I couldn 't believe how erotic it was . She has only done it a hand full of times since and none at all for the past months . Mary never did like the taste of cum all that much so she has only given me blow jobs on special occasions and there had been none in the past nine months or more . Suddenly Brian halted those thoughts . Nice remembrances , but at the same time frustrating . He was already horny as hell , which might why he was thinking of those events . They not only did nothing to help his horniness it made it worse . It was also frustrating in that he and his wife hadn 't had any good times like that for a while . He missed them and not just for the sexual release either . She rebuffed his last two attempts to do something , to go out for dinner and have a nice talk . It seemed like they did better while away from the house . But speaking of sexual release it looked like he was going to have to use his hand for that again . He was tried of having to do that . As Brian thought about Mary 's rebuffs his anger quickly grew , the heck with it he thought " I am going to get some companionship and hopefully some sexual release in a way that was more satisfying than my hand " . He saved and put away what he was working on then called up his server . Once he was on line he quickly went to the Story site site . He had been there a lot lately reading various stories to help take up the time he should have been spending with his wife and to help him get sexual release . It always seemed to be more fun to masturbate while reading those stories than to do it just using his imagination . Now though , he was here for different reason . He thought about checking to see if his favorite writers had anything new . Patrica51 's To Serve and Protect series was great and not just for a turn on either they were good storytelling . Her ' Moonlight ' was very well written as well as a fabulous turn on , as was the lesbian sex in the two Cruise stories and the first To Serve and Protect . Troubadour had a couple great ones Brian liked to reread now and then as did MsSeminoleWind . Her " Accidental Fantasy " was one of the better tales . Then there was the guy with the story about the wife who had had two affairs , well one tryst and one affair . Her husband wasn 't sure of what he wanted to do at the end of the last chapter . Brian was hoping that writer would have a sequel some time soon . The story by the same writer , about the couple having sex at a Halloween party was good . As I read it I was worried that that guy who was masturbating in the bushes would be invited to join them , but he wasn 't . Good sex scenes in that story and a good story . The same with that writer 's story about the husband who endured a huge temptation and ended up with having anal sex with his wife . Nice ! Then there was that story he read recently that took place in a harem . The husband had invited two guys who had saved his life , in to choose a wife they would spend the evening with . They all choose the same girl . So she ended up having sex with " Ugh , Now I 'm woolgathering instead of doing what I came for . . . Do I really want to do it ? I wish our relationship was better so I wouldn 't feel this way . ( sigh ) If she would just give in some . Of course again honesty makes me admit to myself that it isn 't all her doing . I was the one who acted immature when I thought she didn 't want to have sex anymore . I said some not nice things during our last couple of fights . I tried to apologize for what I said during the last one and only partially got it out . That was one reason I wanted to go out to dinner . We both seem to be more receptive to what the other says while out . I was planning on saying I was sorry for everything I said during and even before the fight " . " ( SIGH ) Do it . Maybe I can find someone who will do anal sex . I really want to and she won 't even try again . Since the beginning of our third year of marriage I have tried to talk her into trying it but she said she wasn 't ready for that . I read up on it wanting to do it right . I really didn 't want to hurt her or to give her a bad experience , I still don 't actually . We did try it twice but that last time two years ago didn 't work out right . She ended it by saying that she won 't do it no way , no when not ever . Our relationship was good at that time so I thought I could live with that even though it was disappointing . Now though , I don 't think I want to live with it anymore . If I 'm going to find another woman I just as well find one I can do it with . " " Hmmm , she sounds interesting but then again no . She sounds too wild . I really don 't want a total slut . Maybe this one , oops wrong area . How about this woman ? No , Doesn 't sound quite right either " . After reading a few more he found one that looked promising . Lonely housewife who wanted some company . " A kindred soul maybe " , he thought , " Hmmm , she also wants to try anal for the first time . Double check the area and she names this area of this state . Good , I can send her a PM and maybe in a day or two she will respond . Yeah , I should tell her I 'm married but lonely too and that I have never done anal but want to , and have read up on it . I think I can be gentle " . Brian sent the Personal Message and then went on to check out any new stories that might be interesting . However when he went back to his control panel he was surprised to find a PM waiting for him . As he opened it he saw that it was from the woman to whom he just sent the message . " Wow , that was fast . She must be online now . Hmm , she wants to know more about me . She read my profile but asked for more . I can tell he I am a white collar worker , who loves to read detective stories as well as Science Fiction . I like long walks on the beach as well as the classic Rock music . I 'm over six feet and about twenty pounds over weight not great looking but not bad either " . He sent that PM and waited . Again to his surprise she answered almost immediately . She would like to meet somewhere . " Good " , Brian thought , sending a note suggesting that evening for dinner . He was on his own for dinner anyway so it didn 't matter that he wasn 't home for that meal . He knew of a nice place that supposedly served good food . It was also a few miles away from where he lived so that it would be less likely that a neighbor or someone else they knew would see him with a strange woman . He didn 't tell her that , but she still agreed to meet there for dinner . He was surprised that it would be for that evening , after all they have barely even communicated much less knew each other . That was probably another reason , he thought , she would agree to meet at some place other than here or her house . It would be harder for her to follow him home or for him to follow her home if he was some type of attacker . He told her he would be wearing a red shirt . It was a new one he had bought recently . He thought he looked good in it . The woman said she would be wearing a blue blouse with yellow flowers . Hopefully not too many other woman there would be wearing blue with yellow flowers . Suddenly he sighed as the blue blouse reminded him of what his wife had worn on their wedding night . He still could change his mind even though it was probably too late to tell her that he had . Suddenly another thought struck him that almost made him sick . It was probably inspired by what he was about to do even though he should have thought about it sooner . What if his wife was seeing someone else ? That could explain her actions lately and why he was getting no sex . If she was in love with another man she could be lying about going over to her friend 's or . . . maybe its her friend 's husband ? or even the friend ? He shook his head not wanting to believe any of that , but also thinking back to various times he had looked at his wife when she had come home . She didn 't have the demeanor of someone who had just visited a person they were in love with , or even just had sex with . Sometimes she had even been sad . Of course that could be faked but he didn 't think she would go through a charade quite that complex . He just shook his head again and headed for the door . He wondered if he should leave a note , just one saying it was his turn to go see a friend in the evening . He was half a afraid that if he didn 't leave a note she wouldn 't even notice he was gone or not care that he wasn 't home . That would hurt if she didn 't care even that much . He opted for a simple note left on the counter . He would at least be treating her as he would any room mate that way . It took Brian forty - five minutes to get to the restaurant . On the way over , probably because he had been thinking of the first time he saw one , he had a flash back to the first time he touched a pussy . It had been the second date with a girl three years before he married . The first date with Tiffany had gone well , they had kissed but no more than that . He had enjoyed himself and she had too , he thought . For the second date he took her to a nice restaurant that hadn 't been too expensive . She ended up sitting right next to him and while eating had scooted over even closer . While they while talking his hand had accidentally landed in her lap . He hadn 't been used to someone being so close their leg was an inch away from touching his leg , and actually had softly bumped into his a couple of times . She hadn 't minded his hand in her lap , even though she was wearing a miniskirt , so he had left it there for a minute . Later he moved it to her knee and again she didn 't seem to mind . As they ate and talked he moved his hand up her leg , slightly , he hoped , caressing it . At one point as he moved it up even further he had looked at her wondering if she really wanted it there . Tiffany had just smiled at him so he moved it a couple of more inches . By that time it was under her skirt and obviously headed toward where her leg joined her body . They finished the dinner soon after and she suggested they go somewhere else . He paid the bill and they left , going to her home which disappointed him until she pointed out a porch swing her parents had . A bit old fashioned , but he soon learned that they really were good places to make out . They spent quite a few minutes kissing . He started moving his hand up her leg again as they necked . She didn 't protest and after some licking of her neck under her ear and more kissing accompanied by his hand caressing its way up her leg he noticed he was very close to that wonderful place in - between her legs . He stopped for a couple minutes just lightly caressing her , but she made a motion with her body thaHe caressed her for a few strokes then moved his fingers in - between her legs . She actually spread her legs more to give him more room . Soon he was rubbing that spot and feeling what a pussy felt like . True , it was through her panties . But still it was erotic and thrilling . She groaned again and sat back with her head against the back of the seat . He decided to go for all of it . He thought they were in the wrong position for him to get his hand under her waist band but maybe he could get his fingers under her leg band so he did . One finger at first and when he touched something different with no protest he withdrew it and pushed two fingers under the leg band . Soon he had both fingers on her pussy . When he finally realized what he was touching with his bare fingers he almost came . It was so close his body jerked in a pre orgasmic thrill . He didn 't know how long he brushed his fingers back and forth over her lips . He managed to get to her clitoris which made her jump in ecstasy and soon after she ran a hand over his very hard cock . It was very hard and leaking more precum then he had ever leaked before . She was enjoying herself and he thought headed for a climax when they were interrupted , but not by her parents as he expected . He had been half expecting her parents to walk out any moment but it ended up that her older sister came home suddenly with her date . Tiffany and Brian had just graduated from high school two months before this while her sister had been in college for two years . As the sister parked her car he had only seconds to remove his hand from Mary 's panties before they would be seen . He had thought about sucking on the two fingers that had been caressing her pussy even though it had been mostly on the outside but as they talked he forgot . He left about ten minutes after the sister got there . He tried to date Tiffany again but wasn 't able to for another six months . They went on two more dates but he was never able to get into the same position again . Could be she had been just feeling extra horny on tAbout five minutes after that fantasy remembrance he arrived , parked , then went in . He knew he was early and would have to wait . The restaurant had a small foyer with two chairs but he went on in . He found that it had a wider entrance with a rail on each side and cash register in the middle a few feet inside front of the door . He walked in and saw that two other people were standing around looking like they were waiting . He walked up to one of the rails and the cashier glanced his way with a look of interest . He said that he was waiting for someone and she just nodded then went back to going through some slips of paper . He looked at his watch and found that he had twenty minutes to wait until the time they had agreed . He knew he was going to be early but he had gotten here faster then he had anticipated . Brian waited for most of that time with his bladder growing more and more uncomfortable . He should have used the bathroom before he left home after all . He had felt very uncomfortable in the car when he had a hardon caused by his remembrances . Now he felt even more like his bladder was full . Brian glanced at his watch and found he had five minutes left so he decided to go use the bathroom now instead of doing it right after ' she ' arrived . He went , but as he came back he figured it had been more like ten minutes than five but he just settled in to wait with his back against the rail , partially leaning against it . A couple of minutes later a sudden thought struck him and he realized he should have glanced over the others who were waiting when he had gotten back from the bathroom . He looked around and saw no one in a blue top but as he looked at the other railing a movement caught his eye as someone behind it looked his way . His eyes opened in shock - that person was his wife . " What is she doing here " , he asked himself . Evidently she had seen him at the same moment he had seen her , because he saw a look of shock mixed in with a little guilt . He realized the same look was on his face . He turned away thinking she was likely here for the same reason he was . Brian hadn 't known that she had access to the internet . It probably was over at that friend 's house . He kept watching the door for another nine minutes when a sudden thought occurred to him . He suddenly looked her way , noticing at the blue blouse she was wearing . At exactly the same moment she looked more intensely at him . His mouth dropped open and she had a look that said she realized the same thing at the same moment he had . They both stared at each other for a moment or two then each looked embarrassed . This was quickly followed by a wince as he thought that he was going to get yelled at for making a date with someone else . He recovered , made a fast decision and started moving her way . He covered the space quickly with a determined stride . She winced and looked down . She had the appearance of someone who was going to get it and knew they deserved it . She said " certainly " , and since the place wasn 't busy yet they were seated immediately . The person seating them took them to a room less than half full and was about to seat them near some other customers but he asked for a table on the empty side of the room . He figured they would have some privacy that way . They sat down and as soon as the waitress came by they ordered . Chicken fired steak for her and a specialty of the house for him . It was a beef pot pie with Sirloin steak , baby carrots , baby corn and some Brussels sprouts mixed in . A slab of cornbread came with it . He hadn 't had good corn bread in ages . Just then the waitress came by with their food and they stopped talking until she was out of ear shot again . When she went they talked more , discussing some of their problems and clearing the air about some misunderstandings and apologizing for more things that should not have been said . Not all of the discussion was good however . They almost started to argue twice . It was only the fact that they were in public that stopped them . One of the items they discussed was how she got on the internet and why she left the note . Turned out that her friend Sophia , the one she had been spending so much time at lately , had introduced her to Story site . He asked her why she tried to to find someone else for sex . She could hear the pain in his voice . She said , " I 'm not really sure . Sophia thought that if I read some of the Loving Wives stories I might feel better or get horny enough to attack you . She and her husband read the stories together to add spice to their sex life . " Mary paused took a bit of food , looked sad then said , " It didn 't quite work out that way for me . I read some of the stories like the one where a couple go to a Halloween party . She was dressed in a sexy costume and planned to have sex outside in a garden . " She nodded , " One night I read that story twice before I came home . It made me sad that ours couldn 't be that good . Then there were the cheating stories , like the one by The Troubadour . A pregnant wife has sex with an old flame because of a note she had given him while they were going together . And another one along the same lines by KK who wrote one about a wife who ended up having sex with an old flame of hers because the guy was still attracted to her . " She looked at him and said , " Then last week I read one about a wife who had had sex with another man because her husband convinced her to but then she went wild . During one trip she went up to a stranger and pretended that he was her husband and her real husband was a pick up . After they had some sex she had her pretend husband kick the real husband out saying she wanted to be alone with her husband . She had sex with that guy all night then the next day had sex with her real husband all day . I never could understand why she did that - to teach her real husband a lesson ? I don 't know . " " It has the word Monster in the title , I forget who wrote it , but evidently there are two versions of the story . I also read one about a marriage that was on the rocks . I thought it was like ours but in this one they go on a trip but the wife has a female cousin spend the night with them . That irritated her husband because they were suppose to be working on their marriage . He ended up having sex with the cousin while the wife slept . That story was too close to home . " She paused for a moment as she thought about that , then she continued her story , " We weren 't talking much at that point , nor having any sex . I wanted some . I had found the personal adds by then and had read a few . Some of those people seemed to be having fun . I wasn 't . Sophia at first thought I should stay away from them in my mood but later she thought that if my marriage wasn 't working out to my satisfaction maybe I could find someone for some intimacy and fun . " After a few seconds she said in an equally low voice , " I talked it over with a friend a few weeks ago . I don 't know how we got on the subject but some how during a lunch with three other friends two admitted to enjoying anal sex . I couldn 't understand how , so after the lunch I talked to one who seemed to really like it . We discussed it and she told me how her first time was and how she grew to like it . She thought I would too if it was done right and if I wanted it . She thought that made a difference in how the first time went . That and having some one who was gentle and knew what they were doing . We discussed it a couple of more times and she convinced me to try it again . I decided if it was that good I wanted to do it . " Even though he was speaking low she clearly heard the anger and hurt in his voice . She gasped and put her hand over her mouth . Her expression showed that she hadn 't thought of it that way before . She finally spoke , " By that time you and I weren 't talking that well and I was angry at you . . . I 'm sorry . I , um , I don 't know what to say . " " You 're right about our honeymoon . I did complain too much . I thought they were a waste of time but . . . you converted me . The last time we went to the beach I liked it , spending some casual time with you just looking at the sights and being with you wasn 't a waste of time , I discovered . " She looked at him funny , thinking that he also remembered her favorite desert . She turned to the waitress and said she would take a slice of the strawberry rhubarb with some ice cream . Brian smiled and said that he would take some of the Boston Cream pie . Her eyebrows went up and he continued , " It is purplish with swills and blue streaks on the front . I think you 'll like it . It took me a while to find it , um , I wanted one that said something nice , but not mushy . Since our relationship was going downhill I thought a mushy one wouldn 't be appreciated and I , uh , I didn 't feel like being too mushy anyway . " He sounded a little sad as he said the last sentence . Their deserts came and they ate them partially in silence but chatting about ordinary things part of the time . Things like how work was going and the latest book they were reading . Things they hadn 't talked about in ages . Finally they were done and it was time to go but Brian suggested having a nightcap . They didn 't usually drink but at special times they would have one or two mixed drinks or wine . Mary gave him a significant look as she said mention the other forms of communication and Brian knew what she meant . Seconds later he caught the attention their waitress and asked for the check . She brought it and he gave her the money his wife got up and said that she would meet him at home . He wondered what it would be but had to finish paying for their meal , which included leaving a nice tip . He quickly left . His wife had over five minutes start on him so he rushed home . Once there he parked and went inside , but no wife . Her car was there , so she had to be home . He went to their bedroom and there she was laying on the bed waiting for him . That was amazing enough but what really got his attention was her outfit . She was wearing an outfit that looked like it started out like something a stereotypical female hillbilly would wear . A top that covered her shoulders with pillared shoulders . The shirt ended just under her breasts . which meant a bare stomach . On her bottom she was wearing shorts that could have almost been cutoffs , very short cutoffs . She was laying in a way so he could see the bottom swells of her butt . The whole outfit was a blue color with many small flowers filling it in . Some flowers were a different shade of blue with some blossoms being purple and some colored light reds and yellows . The top hugged her breasts in a way that showed their shape and size very well . The material was thinner then every day clothes would be and small sections of both the top and bottom were transparent . He stood there staring almost panting . But suddenly two thoughts came to mind . One was that he didn 't recognize that outfit and wondered when she got it . He thought it better not to ask about that though . The second one , however , he decided to ask . It might ruin the mood but he had to know . " No , I didn 't wear it under my clothes . It would have gotten too winkled under what I wore tonight , but I wouldn 't have anyway . I figured that , um , if we did something tonight I would just take off my clothes . But like you I wasn 't sure that I would . I would have to really like the guy and I would have to feel like I could trust him . Tonight was supposed to be for introductions . " He looked at her again then reached out put his arms around her and kissed her . Harder then harder and harder still as his passions took over . After almost a minute he pushed her back on to the bed and scrambled on top of her . He kissed her hard and long . In the middle of the kiss he humped against her half a dozen times . They kissed more , hard passionate kisses that they each gave and received . Mary jammed her tongue in his mouth and he sucked on it hard . A minute later when she withdrew it , his tongue followed hers into her mouth pushing as far as he could get it . She sucked on enjoying the feel of it in her mouth as well as the taste of him . Speaking of taste there was something else she wanted to taste , something he deserved . |
I 've never told anyone this before , except my older brother , and back then he thought I was just a nutty kid who was afraid of the dark . Years later , I told my wife , and maybe she thought I was nuts , too , but she kind of swept it under the rug , and accepted it as one of those idiosyncrasies that you don 't find out about until after you 're married . She must have loved me a lot . Now they 're both buried out at Pleasant Green Cemetery back at our home town of Compton , and there 's a spot right next to Mildred waiting for me . There comes a time in a man 's life when he has to get anything he needs to off his chest , stuff he 's been carrying around for a long time - uncork the bottle , so to speak , and let it all out . That time of your life when at any moment , the sun might go down for the very last time . So , I 'm going to uncork the bottle , and let it out . I 'm going to tell you everything . That is , if you really want to hear about it . I 'll tell you right now , I never told anyone everything . If I had done that , they would have locked me up in the State Hospital , where I 'd have to wear one of those hospital johnnies with my ass hanging out the back , and draw pictures of kitties and doggies and flowers with my trusty box of crayons . Life is a cabaret . Anyway , I guess I 've run out of reasons not to tell everything . So , if you think I 'm crazy , or senile , or if you want to laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing seems , then be my guest . I don 't care anymore . Let me ask you a question : When you where a kid , were you afraid of the boogey man ? I was . But you never saw the boogey man , did you ? Your parents , or your brothers or sisters used to scare the crap out of you with it , I know my brother did , but you never really saw the boogey man . And I 've seen him every year for the past seventy years or so , right out in those woods , and always after dark . In fact , I 'm looking at him right now . From right here , at my second story bedroom window . He 's right down there next to that huge maple , same place he 's always at . You see him ? But I 'll tell you right now , he 's as real as the sun , the wind and the rain . And he 's looking right at me . Now , don 't get me wrong , he 's not the boogey man in the traditional sense ; you know , the guy hiding under your bed waiting for your bare leg to plop over the side so he can grab your ankle and yank you under the bed , or the thing that watches you through the crack in your closet door , even though you were sure , absolutely positive that you had closed that door all the way . Even heard the latch click . No , this is a different kind of boogey man , although I never knew why for the longest time . And I 've never seen him anywhere else but out in those woods , next to that maple just back far enough so I couldn 't make out who he was . Just a dark , shadowy shape . But he 's there , and those woods are his home . I don 't remember the exact year I saw him the first time , but I can tell you it was back around the thirties , sometime after the Great Depression . My father told me I was too little to remember the Depression , but at that age , I really didn 't care . I don 't remember it affecting our family , but now that I 'm older I realize there are a lot of things a kid just doesn 't understand . That cabin had been in the family for years , and even back then it was old . That was the original cabin . This one is the new and improved model . At some point I got tired of not having an indoor shifter or running water . I mean , that 's roughing it a little too much , don 't you think ? Anyway , the old one looked like it was about to fall apart , so I tore it down around 1960 or so , and built the new and improved model , designed by yours truly . My father had a little row boat stashed at the side of the cabin , and I would stand by and watch as he would attempt to load it into the back of the truck with the help of my older but nonetheless scrawny brother . When I think about that now it almost makes me laugh . My brother was in the way most of the time , and my father probably wanted to knock him out of the way , but he never did . Anyway , after the truck was loaded up , we 'd head to the reservoir for a day of fishing and batting at the flies that always seemed to be eating us alive . My mother never came with us ; she used to say that it was a good time for the men of the family to be together . I think the idea of sitting all day in a leaky row boat swatting flies and smelling like fish just wasn 't her idea of a good time . Women are weird , aren 't they ? Or perhaps it 's the other way around . We used to catch some pretty big trout out there , catfish too . My father used to tell us how he had caught some that were really big , I mean , big as dogs . That 's what he used to say , big as dogs . It was after one of these expeditions that I first saw the man in the woods . It was much later in the evening , after the three of us had returned tired but happy with our catches , ready to clean fish and eat . I remember that night well , how the whole cabin had stunk so badly offish , even up in the loft where my brother and I slept . It was always so hot up in that loft , cozy in the whiter , but damned uncomfortable in the warmer months , so we always kept the small window up there open to let some of that cool night air in , which in the mountains can be blessedly cool , I 'll tell you . And my bed was closest to the window , so my brother always made it clear in his special little way that it was not entirely impossible for a bat to fly in for a suck off my neck . And he always made it clear in his special little way who the top gun of the loft was . I always had to fetch water , or a leftover piece of the day 's catch . I was also the one who had to open and close the window , at the boss 's convenience , of course . " Go open the window , runt , " Robby would say , " runt " being his favorite name for me . But that 's brotherly love , isn 't it ? It 's funny how that part of me seems so far away , so many years ago , another lifetime . My , how the years have gone by . I remember how that window swung open like a door , and if you were standing next to it there was a good chance you 'd get clobbered . One time I got up in the middle of the night to close the window , and it had somehow swung over to where it was sticking straight out , and POW ! , I walked right into it headfirst . I had a nice goose egg on my head the next day , maybe even some dried blood , I don 't recall . It scared me so badly , that I went and woke up my brother . I kept telling him to get up , there was a scary man out in the woods , and he told me to shut up and go back to bed . I must have made a lot of noise , because my father came up into the loft to see what was the matter . He had to stand in the very center of the loft , where the roof came to a point , if he wanted to stand up straight . Otherwise , he had to bend over to move around . I 'll bet he had suffered a few goose eggs in his time , too . He went to the window and looked outside . There was nothing there , he told me . My brother even ran over for a look . Nothing . My father said that the shadows were playing tricks on me , there was nothing in those woods but dumb animals . He told me to come over for a look . And when I did , there he was . Out there by that old tree just standing there looking at me . I even pointed him out to my brother and father , but they saw nothing . Nothing at all . As soon as my father had left the loft , Robby began to tease me . The boogey man was outside , and he was coming to get me . And bats , too . I was in tears . My father yelled from downstairs for us to shut up , and we did . Mum was the word . I wrapped myself up in my blanket with my back to the window , as if ignoring the boogey man would cause him to lose interest in me , and go away . Did I say that I had been up there every year ? I take that back - the year we put the new and improved cabin up , the was no cabin to visit . But I knew he was there , just the same . And waiting for me . Anyway , the year after I first saw him we came back . That very night , Robby wanted to go night fishing , and father readily agreed . And they wanted me to come along . Me . I told them I didn 't want to go , and my brother started teasing me about the boogie man again . Naturally . For a moment , I thought my father was actually going to make me go . I heard them drive off in the truck , and as I stood at the loft window I saw the headlights splash across him , and then they were gone . They still hadn 't seen him . But I saw him as plain as my hand in front of my face . And just when I thought that maybe I was going crazy , that my father had been right , the woods were playing tricks with my mind , I saw him move , revealing that pale , bloodless face . Just a slight movement ; as if he were shifting his weight from one foot to the other . But it was real . That one little movement confirmed it . He was real . I wasn 't always afraid of the man in the woods . In fact , it turned into a game of cat and mouse over the years , but I had been chasing shadows , ghosts . As I grew older , I grew more daring . I must have been about twelve when I started to actually go outside the cabin after dark . Not far , mind you , just far enough to peak around the corner at that tree , but he was never there ; even when I would see him from the loft window , and run outside for a peek there would be nothing . Robby would still bother me , but I was getting older , and answering to him less and less . One thing hadn 't changed , though . He could still pound on me , and he always made it a point to remind me of that little fact from time to time with a swift knuckler to the arm that would leave it bruised and hurting for days . I 'll tell you what , I could have knocked him flat when I got older . . . but I never did . When I got a couple of years older , I got gutsy enough to run right up to that maple tree , right to the spot where he 'd been standing , and look around with a flashlight for any sign that he 'd been there . I never found anything , and I found myself going farther and farther out in those woods , which was pretty crazy . I mean , have you ever been in the woods in the middle of the night ? Pretty scary , especially after all the films about serial killers stalking the woods looking for camp counselors to maim and mutilate . I tell you what , that never made me feel any easier about the situation . Thanks for waiting . At my age , a trip to the John can be a chore in its self , but I manage . A lot of men my age can 't even make it past their Depends . Hell , a lot of men don 't even make it to my age . I guess I should count my self as one of the lucky ones . Anyway , let 's get back to what we were talking about . I 'll tell you , it was an odd feeling when my father got older to the point when we were bringing him up here to the cabin , instead of the other was around . But he still got around pretty good , one hell of a fisherman , always teaching the grandkids everything he knew . Robert had one boy and a girl , and I had two boys , and they all seemed to like the trips to the cabin . I always brought up to father the idea of building a new cabin , but he wouldn 't hear of it ; I think all his best memories were in that old broken down cabin , and I think he wanted to die there . And one year he did . We buried him in a special place we cleared out for him and mother , and I know they are both happy there . A special place cleared out by the tree line , where they both rest in peace in probably the most restful place on Earth . My father left everything to me , I suppose he thought that as Robert grew older he had more important things on his mind to occupy himself with the responsibilities of taking care of a cabin . I , on the other hand loved it up here ; I sometimes came alone to be with my thoughts , other times I would bring the wife and kids , hoping that the kids would take importance in what the world had to offer . I never brought up the man in the woods or even any kind of boogie man story . But year after year he was there . Sometimes I caught him standing over my parent 's graves , as it if prayer . I really believe deep down inside that my father knew something was going on with me , something that while I kept it quiet most of the time , was always still there with me , a part of my life . I think he knew that . Sometimes , I would take trips out to the cabin to be alone , and my wife never questioned my reasons because I think that as with my father , she knew I had something inside I had to deal with from time to time . I would always sit at this very window watching that man down in the woods . This was about the time that I was first feeling the onset of my sickness , although at the time I didn 't know what it was , except maybe old age . " I got to know those woods out there pretty well , you know , and I mean miles and miles of territory . And I always wondered if he was watching me . Have you ever walked so far out into the woods that you thought you 'd never make it back ? No ? I did . All the time . But I always came back . And I was getting on in years by then . I found places that I could swear no one had ever been to before . You just got this feeling that it was a place of nature 's perfection , a place so alive , so perfectly formed , in such synchronized motion with nature that to put a person into the picture would utterly destroy the whole effect . They became sacred to me , these places , and maybe that 's why I always returned unharmed , and with a kind of glow in my heart . Mildred had come along that trip , and if she hadn 't have been there at the cabin , I might have died that day . I got the feeling that as we went into our final years , she liked it more up there in that cabin than in the city . She never felt more at peace than at the cabin . That 's why when she passed on to her reward , I had her buried up here near where my parents were laid to rest . Her family was dismayed at the whole thing , but when I brought them up here to this particular part of the mountain and showed them where she lay at peace , as my own parents had for a long time , surrounded by nature only God could create , they fell to their knees and wept . I had built a large semi - circular shelter of solid oak that spanned over the graves to protect them from the elements , with oak cherubs that I carved myself hanging overhead in eternal remembrance . It was then that I asked Mildred 's family if they would put me in the empty slot next to Mildred when my time came . Her daughter could only cry and hug me and reassure me that yes , it would be an honor to do this one favor for me . I even asked them if they would like a spot of their own , and you know , I think they 're actually considering it ! Anyway , wasn 't I talking about something else ? Oh yes , the day I almost didn 't come home from one of my walks . Let me say first that I think you have always been my best friend , you accept me , you always listen to me , and man to man … well , I love you . Ok , then . Back to what I was telling you . Mildred was back at the cabin , reading as she always did , those romance novels of hers , she loved them . I left for my walk and told her I would be back in a few hours , which was nothing unusual . I was sometimes gone all day . But this time I didn 't come back until after dark , and I think I was more worried about Mildred than she was for me . Hell , I was in my seventies and still going strong . But not that day . Every time I went for my walks I tried to find a new direction to follow , and I don 't mean along the well established paths , which there weren 't many of anyway . This was one part of the mountain that had yet to be overrun by folks trying to make their weekend escapes from the big city . There were the hunters , of course , and every now and then we 'd bring a few inside and let them taste some of Mildred 's cooking . They always left happy , sometimes bringing back slabs of venison to put in our freezer . I 'm drifting again , aren 't I ? Sorry . Let 's get down to brass tacks , shall we . On that certain day , I set off through the woods , fighting leaves and climbing over deadfalls , my only weapon was an old Navy machete a friend had given me years ago , before I had ever even heard of Mildred . I kept it clean , and hid it under my bed for protection . I never did own a gun , and I don 't think Mildred would allow one in the house anyway . I tried to take a direction I had never taken before , and it proved to be a little difficult , as I found myself in virgin territory nonetheless , a little more than I had bargained for , but I pushed on anyway . In fact , this direction was so new to me that I almost walked off the edge of a stone cliff that dropped at least a thousand feet below in the rocky , swirling river that I recognized as White River Falls , named for the various treacherous falls and twists and turns the river took for several hundreds miles . But from what I understand , folks love to take these runs down White River , and always come back begging for more . Where was I ? Oh yes , the falls . At my point , I was looking straight down at one of the higher falls , and it was breathtaking . The water smashing into the rocks below reminded be of boiling water , and yet with so much more power and crushing force . I walked along the edge of the granite cliff , noticing the water growing somewhat calmer as it grew more distant from the falls . The beauty of the high granite cliffs on both sides , so majestic and indestructible , the sparking water . I felt my heart fill with a love that only a moment like that could produce . The spectacle was overwhelming . And I think this is what started the real problems , and made me realize that I needed to see a doctor . First came the familiar pains in my stomach . Not my whole stomach , mind you , but the localized pain on the upper right side . And I knew from experience that it was best to find a comfortable place to sit down until the pain subsided . I 've had these pains for a long time , and they 've gotten increasingly worse , but I hate doctors . Mildred used to tell me , even beg me , to go see a doctor , even made appointments for me , which I would promptly cancel . It used to make her quite angry , but I 'd tell her that if I started on a regime of healthy foods and exercise , my stomach problems would go away . This calmed her down quite a bit , and she even joined me in some with some of the exercising , and the changes in my diet . I gave up on the greasy foods , all the fast foods , all the junk food , and began eating healthy grains , vegetables , cereals that were more like dog food . But I can truly say now that all of it helped to keep me alive as long as I have been . I even outlived Mildred , sad to say , but it 's the truth . She would have been happy for me . It 's ironic , isn 't it ? I was the one who was sick , but Mildred 's batteries just ran out one day , and she was gone . When I felt those pains that day , I quickly moved away from the edge of the cliff toward the tree line , where I fell to my knees and vomited up blood . I have to tell you , my heart was pounding . There was so much blood , I thought I would die right there on the spot . But that would have been too easy . The pain grew so intense , filling my abdomen with fire , that my eyes rolled to the back of my head and I passed out . I woke up hours later , part of my head stuck hi the congealing pool of blood vomit . I thought only alcoholics woke up in a pool of then - own vomit , but apparently there are exceptions . I remember trying to stand , and having to grab onto the nearest free to keep from falling down again . The pain in my mid section was still there , though not quite as bad , but I still had to sit down with my back against the tree until some of the pain subsided . Dusk was falling . Mildred would be worried . When I finally reached the cabin , it was well after dark . Mildred was on the front porch with a forest ranger , and when she saw me she almost bowled him over to get to me . I was still slumped over , so when she ran up to me and put her arms around me I cried out in pain . The next thing I knew I was in the forest ranger 's truck slumped over next to Mildred , and we were barreling , I mean flying to the hospital , which was quite a drive from the cabin . I remember that later Mildred had told me it had taken at least forty - five minutes to get there , maybe longer . The next day they told me about the cancer . I had been too out of it the night before , with all the pain meds they gave me . I did a lot of sleeping . When my wife and the doctor came into the room that morning , I could tell something was seriously wrong . I mean really wrong . Mildred had been crying , and the doctor , whose name I don 't even recall now , didn 't look much better . Because of the lack of going to the doctor all those years , the cancer had become a free - for - all . It was everywhere , my stomach and intestines mainly . And it was inoperable . I wasn 't very surprised to hear the news , I mean after all , I had known something was wrong for a long time , but I didn 't want to worry Mildred . Or maybe I just didn 't want to admit it to myself . Either way , my time here suddenly had a limit , a finish line . You can think about it a million tunes over the course of your life , but you still don 't know what it really feels like until you 've got one foot stepping over the line that divides this world from the next . Don 't look so glum , my friend . We all have to leave sooner or later , and besides , I think I had a pretty good life . But , you know what they say : All good things come to an end . Mildred passed on six months ago , God rest her soul , and I 'll be joining her very soon . I 've spent most of my days here at the cabin , and every one of those nights I 've been right here , watching that man out there , that elusive character that had always been there , always watching me from the cover of the trees . I gave up long ago trying to chase him down , playing our little cat and mouse game , and became satisfied with sitting here at this window trying to figure him out . And I 'll tell you what , when I gave up the chase , I realized that had been the answer all along . I wasn 't supposed to go after him , he was supposed to come for me . That 's why I asked you up here , my friend , to take care of things after I 'm gone . You see , my time has finally come . I can literally feel the life draining from my body right now as we speak . Sometimes , a man just knows these things . And the man in the woods is no longer standing in the shadows just out of sight , but out in plain view now . Maybe one day you 'll see him , maybe you won 't . As for me … well , my mysterious character is standing out there in the clearing , plain as day in the glow of the flood lights on the side of the cabin , beckoning for me to join him , waiting patiently as he has all these years to lead me into those woods out there , to whatever awaits me . Ohio State University has nearly 65 , 000 Students ( among the three biggest in the country ) . Their paper and website , where our ad appears in September and October , averages more than 100K unique visitors , and nearly 300K pageviews / month during their school year . Ads have been placed in The University of California Los Angeles ( UCLA ) with a Student population of 37 , 000 . We are looking forward to see some of the fine work that these Universities , and their students , can produce . For more information on this program have your college , or University , contact us through this site . Contact information is available on the top left hand corner of the Homepage . The Eerie Digest does not stand behind any advertising or promotions made by sponsors for their products or services . These advertisements and promotions are by , and for , the sponsor 's sole benefit alone . This also goes for any advertisements or promotions represented within interviews , or other aspects in the magazine that are offered for the readers interest . Anyone responding to ads or promotions should verify their content 's genuine offer before doing so . |
My name is Mel . It 's short for Melody . I am 21 years old . There are things that are built up inside me that I need to release . So , I am going to write a true story about something horrible that happened to me . I am going to share it with you in hopes that it releases this deep void in my life . Before I tell you what this thing is , I am going to tell you about me and my life prior to the day that it all happened . I lived in a small town out in the country . You had to literally drive an hour to get to the city life . I have had a normal life . I have a great family . I had great friends . I dont see those friends much anymore because I have shut them out . I have always considered myself to be beautiful and sexy . In high school , all the boys liked me . I was a virgin until I was 17 and I gave it to a boyfriend who I loved dearly . Something inside of me awakened after having sex for the first couple of times . I started wanting it more than he did . I started wanting to try new things . Our relationship had definitely became nothing more than sex . I wasn 't one of the girls who complained about it , I was the one who enjoyed it the most . When I was alone , I would have fantasies in my head of things that I would like to try . Like being with two men . Being with a female . Dressing up and role playing . But , out of all the different fantasies I had , there was one fantasy that I thought about all the time . For awhile I use to try and make myself not think about it . In reality this fantasy happens to girls but , it 's not a fantasy to them . It 's a horrific event that they would love to take away . Rape . I couldn 't help it . I thought about being raped by one guy or three or four . I would pleasure myself with my eyes closed and pretend I was being held down and I was begging them not to . After opening my eyes and cumming , I always felt like a sick person . I dont think that it was the rape part that turned me on so much , it was being helpless , it was the man being so strong that he could hold me down and do whatever he wanted to me and I couldn 't do anything about it . But , those things are rape . My boyfriend was all into trying things and I remember one night where he made me feel like I was a sick person . One night Bryan and I were alone at his house together . We were making out heavily and he was pressed up against me . I told him to hold my hands down . He did as I asked and continued kissing me . That feeling of being held down was so amazing to me . I began pretending like I didn 't want it . I stopped kissing him and turned my head away . I wanted him to keep kissing me or lick my neck but instead he asked what was wrong . I sighed and asked him if we could role play . At first he was excited . He started yelling out roles like teacher student , tutor , best friends , blah , blah . I then said , how about you pretend to rape me . I sat there . He raised his eyebrows and said , and I quote . . " Thats horrible , I couldn 't even act like I was doing that to you . " I smiled at him . A part of me felt like he was so sweet and good . And the other part of me felt let down and that I must be a sick twisted person . I decided to do the teacher student and we went at it . Thats just part of my life showing you why I gave this story the title I did . I want to tell you a little more things that happened that I regret now before I move on to the event that changed my life . Things were perfect with me and Bryan . And we started to do other things besides have sex . Actually we barely had sex anymore after awhile . He played football and I played volleyball . We didn 't have much time together anymore . Another secret I should tell you is that I became addicted to pornography . I would always search for porn that was forced sex and looked as real as possible . There were a few that really got me off . I remember laying in bed watching it trying to pretend it was happening to me . I also watched movies and read books with rape scenes . I dont know why but I was thrilled with it . Especially in the movie where a guy would push the girl against a wall and whisper things in her ear while she would cry . Just writing this makes me feel like a sick bad person . I remember when I would go out to the mall or store sometimes when it was dark . I would always look around my surroundings and be scared that someone would grab me . I didn 't want that to actually happen . But , when I would get home afterward I would think about it . If someone did grab me and put me in a van or something and for some strange reason it made my pussy tingle . OK . I am about to tell you in detail what happened to me . If you do not like reading about detailed rape and violence please stop reading this now . This is painful for me to write as I am sure for some it would be painful to read . It happened to me when I was 19 years old . I had just turned 19 two weeks before it happened . It was the middle of July and the temperature was almost unbearable to be outside . I had been at my friends house all day watching movies and swimming in her pool . Bryan had to go on a family vacation to Ohio that week . There was a club we were supposed to go to that night , but when I had asked Bryan , he told me he didn 't want me to go because he didn 't want guysThey got ready to leave and I walked with them out the door and told them to have fun . They left early because the drive would be an hour away . I remember sitting in my car feeling alone on a Saturday night . I was trying to think of something to do . I decided to go and rent a movie or two and get some ice cream . I planned to spend the night in my bedroom missing Bryan . Since everything closed so early I had to hurry to the video store . I sware it was like everyone went to bed before nine in that little town . I parked my car and saw a couple of the guys I went to school with back in high school . I got out and they yelled at me to come over . They were all just waiting in the parking lot talking waiting for Corey who had worked there to get off work . They asked me where Bryan was and I told them and then we made small talk and as I walked in the store I heard them talking about my ass . I picked a few movies out and on the way out told them bye . I drove to the grocery store to get my ice cream . The small store was about to close so there was barely no one there . The parking lot was dark and I parked as close as possible . I went to the ice cream freezer and picked out what I wanted . There was a guy standing next me looking in the freezer and then he looked at me . I turned to the guy and smiled and then walked away to pay . When I got to the register , the guy came behind me to check out . I thanked the guy and walked out the store . Walking to my car , I noticed there was a black SUV parked right beside mine on the drivers side . I heard the guy who had spoke to me come out of the store shortly after I did . When I got closer to my car I noticed there were guys sitting in the backseat of the SUV and one in the driver side . They had loud music playing and were staring at me . In that moment I was a little uneasy because I had to walk next to them to get in my car . I got to the back of my car when the guy from the store spoke to me and I stopped . I smiled at him and walked in between their car and mine . I had my car key ready to go . The guy in the backseat was saying things to me and the guy outside walked up behind me . I was scared but another part of me thought that he was just going to wait for me to get in my car so he could get into the passenger seat of his friends car . Right before I put my key in the car I heard the guy in the backseat . My key was in the lock and I opened my door throwing the ice cream and my purse in the passenger seat . As I threw my things I heard the back door of the SUV open quickly and close . It all happened so fast . Just before I could get into my car , a hand reached around me and held my mouth , while another grabbed my arm and I was being pulled from my car . The only thing I could think of in that quick second , was that I had to fight . I remember as soon as I felt the hand , I tried to pull it off my mouth so I could at least scream . I pushed my body away but before I could even attempt to struggle , the other guy had me by the waist . They dragged me a few steps back . I was screaming but of course no one could hear me with his hand over my mouth . And even if I could scream loudly , no one was even around that night . I tried to push and twist but there was nothing I could do . The guy from inside the car grabbed me by the neck and took over holding my mouth . The other guy outside pushed my body in the car and my flip flops fell off my feet and he told me I didn 't need those and then he held me down shutting the car door . At this point I was still trying to push and twist out of their possession even though I knew it was too late . My struggling didn 't last long when the guy holding me by the mouth was given a knife by the driver . He held the knife in front of my eyes . My body became like jello when I saw the knife and heard his words . I no longer was pushing and squirming . The other guy lifted my legs and sat underneath them holding me by my lower body . This all took place within seconds . The other guy that was outside had already gotten into the car and the car was moving . " Good girl , now I 'm going to let go of that mouth and if you scream I 'll stick this into your throat . " The guy holding my legs pulled on my pants and the guy holding me up let go of my mouth . They positioned my body so that i was laying on their laps . My head was laying flat and all I could see was the inside of the car . Every time we would pass street lights I could see the glare inside the windows . I tired not to look at the men who were taking me . Strangely for awhile no one said anything . I was just laying there on these guys laps in fear and silence . I couldn 't even cry at this point . Again all these things happened so fast so it 's hard to write it in enough detail to tell you every single thing . I remember looking toward the front seat at the guy who was in the store with me . He was young he was maybe 26 or 27 . The other guys from what I seen looked around the same . My thoughts were racing in my head . For awhile I remember thinking of escape plans but after awhile I became truthful with myself that there was nothing I could do . The silence scared me more than anything in that car . I wanted them to talk . I wanted them to say there plans so I could at least know what to prepare for mentally . I was so fearful that I would be murdered . After minutes of laying there in silence I looked up at the guy above me . He looked down at me and I quickly looked away . I closed my eyes . I felt his hand run along the side of my face and I began to cry . I tried not to be loud but my heavy breaths were loud in the silence . The guy above me said that in a soft tone . The guy beside him starting laughing . I cried so hard . I couldn 't believe this was happening to me . I use to watch unsolved mysteries and tell myself that would never happen to me . At this point I wasn 't even thinking about them raping me . I was thinking they were going to kill me . The guy in the front seat turned around . I couldn 't see his face my eyes were blurry from the tears . I couldn 't breath through my nose and every breath I took through my mouth was so loud . He screamed at me . All I could do was hold my breath . I tried so hard to not cry anymore . I needed to wipe my face but I was scared to move . The guy from the front handed the guy holding me a napkin and he threw it on my face . I took that as he wanted me to wipe my nose and eyes so I did . I looked up at him and he stared at me . I couldn 't look away . His eyes were emerald green . They were almost green enough to put you in a trance . They must have been contacts . He rubbed my face again . I almost cried even harder but I was too scared too . Music came on . They turned it really loud . I guess to drown out my crying and heavy breathing . I wanted to know what they were going to do . I swallowed hard and said please . He didn 't hear me the first time until I got louder . I said please again and he looked down . Then I screamed it . Please ! ! After that I went on . I said Please dont hurt me , please let me go please . The music turned low . He was just smiling at me . I was crying again . " Listen , were not going to let you go , were not going to bargain with you , just lay there and look sexy OK " The guy from the front seat turned back around after those words . The guy holding my legs rubbed his hand underneath my pant leg . The guy above me told him to wait . It was then clear to me what their plans were . I didn 't know if they would kill me but I knew they would rape me . The guy in the front and the other one who was driving were talking . They were saying how when they got there that they would go straight to the back room . I had my eyes closed . I was thinking about Bryan . Bryan would kill these guys if he seen them take me . I missed him so bad . I thought about my parents and my friends . I thought about how maybe this was happening because I was so sick and fantasized about it . I thought to myself that I cant believe I would have pretended this happened to me . This was so horrible . I tried to prepare myself . In reality , there is nothing you can do to prepare for this situation . After I heard them say we were close , I couldn 't take it . I would rather die fighting then have those psychos torture me . I jumped up and swung my legs off onto the floorboard . I turned my head and tried to grab the door handle . That only lasted a second before they grabbed me by the legs arms and hair . He pulled my hair and slapped my face so hard that it was stinging . " You fucking dumb bitch , You want to fucking die dumb ass . " No , I screamed I told him I would be good . I was crying at my stupid failed attempt . He grabbed my throat and squeezed it . He pulled me to his face and he took his lips and sucked on my bottom lip hard . He softly bit it and smiled at me while he was still squeezing my neck . I couldn 't breath . He let go pushed my head down on his lap . " Were here , you try anything or scream this time I will slit your fucking throat . " I closed my eyes hard so the tears would fall out so I could see . Out the window I saw white walls and shelves hanging . I could tell we were in a garage . The front doors opened and then the back ones . The guy holding my feet let go and got out and shut the door . I didn 't even try to do anything because there was nothing that could be done . The guy holding me let me go but held my arm as he got out . I got out , tears still falling . This was it , I thought . Whatever they have planned , they are going to do and there was nothing I could do . When I got out , one guy walked behind me and the rest went into a door and I followed . It opened to a large living room . It was plain and I remember seeing a fish tank and a long wooden board that was laid across a table and it had spray paint on it . The walls were bare . There was one grey looking couch and a huge TV with gaming consoles and games on the floor . They led me back toward a hallway . It was dark . I asked them again to please let me go . They didn 't even reply to me . The guy behind me slapped me on the ass extremely hard that it pushed me forward and the other guys laughed . A light turned on as I approached the room . I stopped in the doorway and the other guys were all standing around . The guy behind me pushed me hard on my back and I fell forward into the room . I sat up . I was shaking . I looked up and all four of them were staring at me . " Get up baby " I stood up . The room had posters of sports bikes and nude girls all over the walls . There were beer bottles on shelves . There was an unfolded futon behind me . I fell to the floor . I couldn 't cry no more my tears were all gone . I had a sinking feeling in my stomach . " Melody look at me . You need to be a good girl OK " The words were like knives stabbing me . One of them came toward me and grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it until I stood up . He wiped the wetness off my face and licked my neck . I remember trying to pull his hand away from my hair . It hurt so bad . Another guy came up behind me and started rubbing his hand on my ass . He released my hair and the other two guys came over . The guy behind me lifted me up by my hips and threw me down on the futon . I rolled myself off the other end and ran screaming toward a door . They all were laughing as I opened the door and they didn 't even chase me . The door opened to a closet . I jumped in the closet and shut the door and held it tight . The door pulled open with force and I fell backward . I fell on a pile of random things and my back was hurting . " You fucked up girl , now were going to fuck the shit out of you twice as hard . " I looked around for something sharp and he grabbed my arm so I picked up something off the floor . I managed to pick up a small clock radio and I slammed it into his head . Now that I look back on it , what I did was so stupid . There were four of them so knocking one out wouldn 't even have mattered . But , when your at that point your not thinking clear . Your only thinking of getting away and doing everything you can to resist . The smarter thing would have been to just lay there and let them do what they wanted . He screamed when I hit him and the other guys laughed . He grabbed my hand and the radio clock and swung me fast and I hit the wall . He went at me and picked up the radio and threw it back in the closet . He sat me up against the wall and he slapped me so hard that my tooth cut the inside of my mouth . My eyes closed and I could taste my blood . " Fuck you you fucking dumb bitch , your not too smart are you . I 'm going to ram my fucking dick down your throat until you choke and pass the fuck out . " They laughed and the guy who sat me down grabbed my legs and pulled me down on the bed to lay me flat . They all got on the small bed two on each side . " Take her shirt off " They Lifted me up and one pulled my shirt up and over my head . They commented on my bathing suit top and then untied the strings . I moved my hands up and covered my breasts . I slowly put my hands down , I was tear less crying and begging them over and over again to please stop . I told them my dad would give them money and they laughed at me . Each one of them took turns squeezing my breasts , Three of them squeezed very hard and one did it softly . The guy to the right of me licked my nipples and he bit them hard and made me yell . One of them unbuttoned my pants and I struggled but again there was nothing I could do , he pulled them down with my bathing suit bottoms inside them . I was laying there completely naked with four strange guys . They stared at my pussy . It made me feel so horrible . I cant even explain to you how disgusted it made me feel . Like I was a doll they were playing with . I was embarrassed and I closed my eyes . They were all rubbing me talking so nasty . One was squeezing my boobs , the others were rubbing my legs and then the worse part came . Two of the guys grabbed my legs and tried to spread them . I fought . One of them slapped my stomach . The guy who was touching my breasts got up on his knees behind me and held me up by my arms . " Melody remember what we told you " I let go of what little strength I had left . They spread my legs open . Three of them took turns touching on me and rubbing me . I jerked and twisted but it only made it worse so I tried to stay still . They rubbed it awhile commenting on how tight they knew it was , and how sweet it must taste . The guy holding me had his hands on my breasts holding them . I closed my eyes . I felt a finger slip inside me . I felt so dirty . I felt so bad that I could have ever let this be a fantasy of mine . This was so horrible . I wondered if they were going to kill me . I thought about Bryan being the only guy that was ever inside me , I thought about how much pain it would take before I would pass out . I wondered if they would take turns fucking me and how would they do it . They each slid there fingers in me and commented on how it tasted sweet . One said to me that I taste so good that he was going to lock me up and never let me go . Hearing that I started crying again . I tried thinking of something else to get my mind off of the act that was happening to me but I couldn 't . The guy holding my breasts leaned over me and slipped his finger in . After they all done this they starting planning out what they would do to me . One guy sat in between my legs and slid his finger inside me . The guy behind me switched positions with another one and he held my arms back . The other two guys pulled there pants off and then there boxers and got on each side of me . As he was saying this he picked up a gun that must have been in his pants . I said yes after seeing the gun . He Had one leg standing off the bed and the other on the bed as he stretched himself toward me . The guy behind me turned me so I could reach the guys dick . I closed my eyes for a moment . My throat had already hurt from screaming and pleading and my mouth was sore from being slapped so hard . I stuck my tongue out and barely pressed it to his dick . I did as he told me to . His dick was bigger than Bryan 's and when he put it in my mouth it touched my throat . He pushed it in further and I pulled my head away and coughed . He grabbed me by the hair . He jammed his dick in my mouth and I gagged on it . Somehow my tears returned . He was thrusting inside my mouth hard . I gagged and coughed . My throat was feeling like it was bleeding , I felt his dick go deep in my throat I couldn 't take it no more . I pulled away . The guy on the other side grabbed my hair and pulled me to him . I was screaming but nothing but spit came out of my mouth it was all down my face and chin from him gagging me . The guy fingering me was still going at it watching what the others were doing . The guy who had pulled me to him palmed the back of my head and told me to open my mouth and he shoved his dick inside . He did the same as the other one did but not as hard . I felt my legs being lifted and then my hips , he lifted me up and the other guy pulled his dick from my mouth . The guy behind me helped him lift me and I looked at him in the eyes and then I looked down . He was positioning me and then I felt his dick slowly go inside me . I started crying and making noises . I couldn 't scream because my throat was in pain . He was all the way in and I felt myself tense up inside . I was so tense that it felt like he was breaking something inside me . He put his hands on my hips and the guy behind me with his hands on my arms helped him lift me up and back down on his dick . " Oh fuck dude , shes so fucking tight . " The guy next to him grabbed my hair and told me to open my mouth , they told me they loved my moaning . It wasn 't moaning it was low pitched screams and it was all I had left . While he was bouncing me up and down , the guy to the left grabbed my hair and pulled me to his dick and shoved himself in my mouth . I couldn 't concentrate on what was hurting me worse . My throat and pussy were filled with these men and the pain I felt and the disgusting feeling I had wont leave my mind to this day . The guy to the right took my hair and pulled my mouth away from the other guy and when he did , my tooth slid across his dick and he yelled . They both had my hair and were pulling it and Lifted my hands and gripped there arms to try to get them to stop . They laughed at me and the guy thrusting inside me lifted my body up high almost enough so his dick would fall out of me but it didn 't . He then slammed me down on his dick as hard as he could and a scream ripped through my throat . I felt like my insides were collapsing . I laid my head back and rested it on the guy who was behind me . I had nothing left inside me . I was weak . My mouth and throat was dry . I was sore , and the guy thrusting inside me pulled out letting my lower body lay flat on the bed . The guy behind me got up and I fell backward on the bed . Even though he was out of me I felt a scolding feeling inside . I guess I was just raw . I couldn 't even swallow and I could barely open my eyes . One of the guys laid flat on the bed . Two of them grabbed me and lifted me up and mounted me on top of the guy . He stuck his dick inside me and I rested there . It didn 't even hurt this time . His dick was inside me and I fell on him and laid my head resting it on his shoulder . I thought he would slap me and tell me to sit up but he didn 't . He rubbed my face and hair and waited for his friends . One guy stood at the side of the futon bed and faced me stroking his dick . And then another came and did the same . At that point I wasn 't sure where the fourth one was but , I quickly found out . I felt his hand spread one of my ass cheeks and then two wet fingers rubbed my hole . I begged him and I jerked up and the guy underneath dragged me back down and rubbed my hair again . The guy underneath me wrapped his hands around my back and held me tightly so I couldn 't move . I begged and begged him to please not do it . The guy under me lifted his body so I would arch for the other guys entry . I felt the tip start to press on my asshole . He went slow for a second and then he pushed his cock in my hole hard , I was so tense that he had a hard time pushing it as hard as he wanted . He gripped my hips as he tried to shove himself in me hard . My head was pressed against the guys chest as I barely could scream . The pain was so sharp I felt like passing out . The guy underneath me and the guy fucking my asshole starting going in sync with each other . One would push in and then the other . All I could do was whimper and take it . One of the guys standing leaned over the bed and lifted my head stretching my neck up . He slapped the hell out of my face and then the other guy slapped it on the other side . My eyes were closed . I had no thoughts at all but that I just wanted it to stop . It lasted so long . The two guys standing took turns shoving there dicks in my throat telling me to make my lips tighter and that they better not feel my teeth . They all talked back and forth the whole time while my pain was still high . I turned my head away and dropped it on the guy underneath as he was thrusting trying to be in sync with the guy in my ass . He grabbed my hair and shoved his cock that was inside my ass in my mouth and he pushed it so far that I choked , my eyes felt like they were bleeding . I pulled my mouth away and shook my head side to side coughing and he laughed . The other one standing grabbed me by the neck and slapped his dick on the side of my face hard and fast and then the other guy joined in on the other side . After what seemed like forever , the guy who hadn 't had his turn in me switched places with the guy fucking me in the ass . The two guys in front of me were stroking there dick hard pointing at my face . The guy behind me lifted me up and the guy underneath got up and stood . He told me to sit on the edge of the bed and open my mouth . My Insides were in so much pain , My ass was sore along with my throat . I couldn 't sit up . One of the guys slapped me and I fell to the side laying my head down . He lifted me back up and told me to open my mouth and look at him I swallowed it and gagged , right after , another of the men pointed his dick in my face and without warning it shot on the side of my face and he told me to wipe it with my fingers and lick it . I did as he told again coughing when I tasted it . Both of the other guys were already pointed in my face and shot out almost the same time , it landed in my hair , my cheek and my mouth and again they threatened me to swallow it so I did . " Damn baby , you are so good " One of the guys threw my clothes on me . They began getting themselves dressed . I was so weak , my body was shaking , I was cold , I was in such pain . I barely had enough energy to put my bathing suit bottoms and pants on but I managed to . One of the guys had to help me put my bathing suit top on and tie it . He then helped me put my shirt on . He could see how weak I was so he picked me up and carried me . We went back to the SUV they brought me in and he lifted me up and pushed me over and I sat in between them . I was out of it , I couldn 't hear anything , I couldn 't think of anything , I was just there . The guy who had held me put his arm around me and my head fell to his shoulder . I remember him laying his head on mine and rubbing my arm . All the other guys were talking and I cant remember in detail what they were saying , I tried to block them out . I closed my eyes , my whole body was still in so much pain and every breath I took made my throat throb . I remember the guy holding me whispering to me . He told me he was sorry . He also told me that it wasn 't his choice . I guess none of the other guys who were talking heard him . I drifted off . My eyes opened wide I just remember seeing the light inside the car go on . The back car doors opened . The guy who was holding me got out and pulled me out and picked me up , he and another guy walked me a short distance and sat me up against a wall . The other guy walked away and tears streamed down my face as the guy who had whispered to me bent down and kissed my cheek and told me he was sorry . He then left me and the SUV drove off . I couldn 't see enough to get the license number . I laid there in pain and eventually drifted to sleep for hours until morning when a man found me and called the police . I was taken to the hospital , and from then on , there was nothing they could do to find the men who did that to me . Three months later my family moved away . None of us could stand living there knowing they were still there and got away with it . Bryan and I stayed together even after I moved but eventually we couldn 't handle the long distance and he couldn 't handle me shutting him out of my life the way I started to do . Sometimes at nights , I have nightmares about what happened and I can still vaguely see their faces . I also think about the guy who told me he was sorry . I dont think I will ever forget what happened to me . I dont think I could ever even have sex again after what happened . I do know one thing , I will never fantasize about rape ever again . I am now a rape victim . Theres nothing erotic about it . The only reason I feel strongly about it still , isn 't because I liked it when it happened , it 's because I think at least one of those guys knew what they were doing was wrong and hopefully felt bad about it after . Theres no way of knowing . My fantasy now is to find a man that I can trust and that I can feel comfortable about telling my story to and maybe he can help me get over it . That day may never come . This is why I only read like rough sex and reluctance . Most reluctance is like te person doesn 't want to but then decides they want to . I 'm really sorry this happened to you . I myself was sexually abused not raped . And don 't feel bad about how you fantasizes about it . It 's ok . And what happened there will probably make you stronger . Don 't take shit from anyone . Just keep going forward . |
My name is Mel . It 's short for Melody . I am 21 years old . There are things that are built up inside me that I need to release . So , I am going to write a true story about something horrible that happened to me . I am going to share it with you in hopes that it releases this deep void in my life . Before I tell you what this thing is , I am going to tell you about me and my life prior to the day that it all happened . I lived in a small town out in the country . You had to literally drive an hour to get to the city life . I have had a normal life . I have a great family . I had great friends . I dont see those friends much anymore because I have shut them out . I have always considered myself to be beautiful and sexy . In high school , all the boys liked me . I was a virgin until I was 17 and I gave it to a boyfriend who I loved dearly . Something inside of me awakened after having sex for the first couple of times . I started wanting it more than he did . I started wanting to try new things . Our relationship had definitely became nothing more than sex . I wasn 't one of the girls who complained about it , I was the one who enjoyed it the most . When I was alone , I would have fantasies in my head of things that I would like to try . Like being with two men . Being with a female . Dressing up and role playing . But , out of all the different fantasies I had , there was one fantasy that I thought about all the time . For awhile I use to try and make myself not think about it . In reality this fantasy happens to girls but , it 's not a fantasy to them . It 's a horrific event that they would love to take away . Rape . I couldn 't help it . I thought about being raped by one guy or three or four . I would pleasure myself with my eyes closed and pretend I was being held down and I was begging them not to . After opening my eyes and cumming , I always felt like a sick person . I dont think that it was the rape part that turned me on so much , it was being helpless , it was the man being so strong that he could hold me down and do whatever he wanted to me and I couldn 't do anything about it . But , those things are rape . My boyfriend was all into trying things and I remember one night where he made me feel like I was a sick person . One night Bryan and I were alone at his house together . We were making out heavily and he was pressed up against me . I told him to hold my hands down . He did as I asked and continued kissing me . That feeling of being held down was so amazing to me . I began pretending like I didn 't want it . I stopped kissing him and turned my head away . I wanted him to keep kissing me or lick my neck but instead he asked what was wrong . I sighed and asked him if we could role play . At first he was excited . He started yelling out roles like teacher student , tutor , best friends , blah , blah . I then said , how about you pretend to rape me . I sat there . He raised his eyebrows and said , and I quote . . " Thats horrible , I couldn 't even act like I was doing that to you . " I smiled at him . A part of me felt like he was so sweet and good . And the other part of me felt let down and that I must be a sick twisted person . I decided to do the teacher student and we went at it . Thats just part of my life showing you why I gave this story the title I did . I want to tell you a little more things that happened that I regret now before I move on to the event that changed my life . Things were perfect with me and Bryan . And we started to do other things besides have sex . Actually we barely had sex anymore after awhile . He played football and I played volleyball . We didn 't have much time together anymore . Another secret I should tell you is that I became addicted to pornography . I would always search for porn that was forced sex and looked as real as possible . There were a few that really got me off . I remember laying in bed watching it trying to pretend it was happening to me . I also watched movies and read books with rape scenes . I dont know why but I was thrilled with it . Especially in the movie where a guy would push the girl against a wall and whisper things in her ear while she would cry . Just writing this makes me feel like a sick bad person . I remember when I would go out to the mall or store sometimes when it was dark . I would always look around my surroundings and be scared that someone would grab me . I didn 't want that to actually happen . But , when I would get home afterward I would think about it . If someone did grab me and put me in a van or something and for some strange reason it made my pussy tingle . OK . I am about to tell you in detail what happened to me . If you do not like reading about detailed rape and violence please stop reading this now . This is painful for me to write as I am sure for some it would be painful to read . It happened to me when I was 19 years old . I had just turned 19 two weeks before it happened . It was the middle of July and the temperature was almost unbearable to be outside . I had been at my friends house all day watching movies and swimming in her pool . Bryan had to go on a family vacation to Ohio that week . There was a club we were supposed to go to that night , but when I had asked Bryan , he told me he didn 't want me to go because he didn 't want guysThey got ready to leave and I walked with them out the door and told them to have fun . They left early because the drive would be an hour away . I remember sitting in my car feeling alone on a Saturday night . I was trying to think of something to do . I decided to go and rent a movie or two and get some ice cream . I planned to spend the night in my bedroom missing Bryan . Since everything closed so early I had to hurry to the video store . I sware it was like everyone went to bed before nine in that little town . I parked my car and saw a couple of the guys I went to school with back in high school . I got out and they yelled at me to come over . They were all just waiting in the parking lot talking waiting for Corey who had worked there to get off work . They asked me where Bryan was and I told them and then we made small talk and as I walked in the store I heard them talking about my ass . I picked a few movies out and on the way out told them bye . I drove to the grocery store to get my ice cream . The small store was about to close so there was barely no one there . The parking lot was dark and I parked as close as possible . I went to the ice cream freezer and picked out what I wanted . There was a guy standing next me looking in the freezer and then he looked at me . I turned to the guy and smiled and then walked away to pay . When I got to the register , the guy came behind me to check out . I thanked the guy and walked out the store . Walking to my car , I noticed there was a black SUV parked right beside mine on the drivers side . I heard the guy who had spoke to me come out of the store shortly after I did . When I got closer to my car I noticed there were guys sitting in the backseat of the SUV and one in the driver side . They had loud music playing and were staring at me . In that moment I was a little uneasy because I had to walk next to them to get in my car . I got to the back of my car when the guy from the store spoke to me and I stopped . I smiled at him and walked in between their car and mine . I had my car key ready to go . The guy in the backseat was saying things to me and the guy outside walked up behind me . I was scared but another part of me thought that he was just going to wait for me to get in my car so he could get into the passenger seat of his friends car . Right before I put my key in the car I heard the guy in the backseat . My key was in the lock and I opened my door throwing the ice cream and my purse in the passenger seat . As I threw my things I heard the back door of the SUV open quickly and close . It all happened so fast . Just before I could get into my car , a hand reached around me and held my mouth , while another grabbed my arm and I was being pulled from my car . The only thing I could think of in that quick second , was that I had to fight . I remember as soon as I felt the hand , I tried to pull it off my mouth so I could at least scream . I pushed my body away but before I could even attempt to struggle , the other guy had me by the waist . They dragged me a few steps back . I was screaming but of course no one could hear me with his hand over my mouth . And even if I could scream loudly , no one was even around that night . I tried to push and twist but there was nothing I could do . The guy from inside the car grabbed me by the neck and took over holding my mouth . The other guy outside pushed my body in the car and my flip flops fell off my feet and he told me I didn 't need those and then he held me down shutting the car door . At this point I was still trying to push and twist out of their possession even though I knew it was too late . My struggling didn 't last long when the guy holding me by the mouth was given a knife by the driver . He held the knife in front of my eyes . My body became like jello when I saw the knife and heard his words . I no longer was pushing and squirming . The other guy lifted my legs and sat underneath them holding me by my lower body . This all took place within seconds . The other guy that was outside had already gotten into the car and the car was moving . " Good girl , now I 'm going to let go of that mouth and if you scream I 'll stick this into your throat . " The guy holding my legs pulled on my pants and the guy holding me up let go of my mouth . They positioned my body so that i was laying on their laps . My head was laying flat and all I could see was the inside of the car . Every time we would pass street lights I could see the glare inside the windows . I tired not to look at the men who were taking me . Strangely for awhile no one said anything . I was just laying there on these guys laps in fear and silence . I couldn 't even cry at this point . Again all these things happened so fast so it 's hard to write it in enough detail to tell you every single thing . I remember looking toward the front seat at the guy who was in the store with me . He was young he was maybe 26 or 27 . The other guys from what I seen looked around the same . My thoughts were racing in my head . For awhile I remember thinking of escape plans but after awhile I became truthful with myself that there was nothing I could do . The silence scared me more than anything in that car . I wanted them to talk . I wanted them to say there plans so I could at least know what to prepare for mentally . I was so fearful that I would be murdered . After minutes of laying there in silence I looked up at the guy above me . He looked down at me and I quickly looked away . I closed my eyes . I felt his hand run along the side of my face and I began to cry . I tried not to be loud but my heavy breaths were loud in the silence . The guy above me said that in a soft tone . The guy beside him starting laughing . I cried so hard . I couldn 't believe this was happening to me . I use to watch unsolved mysteries and tell myself that would never happen to me . At this point I wasn 't even thinking about them raping me . I was thinking they were going to kill me . The guy in the front seat turned around . I couldn 't see his face my eyes were blurry from the tears . I couldn 't breath through my nose and every breath I took through my mouth was so loud . He screamed at me . All I could do was hold my breath . I tried so hard to not cry anymore . I needed to wipe my face but I was scared to move . The guy from the front handed the guy holding me a napkin and he threw it on my face . I took that as he wanted me to wipe my nose and eyes so I did . I looked up at him and he stared at me . I couldn 't look away . His eyes were emerald green . They were almost green enough to put you in a trance . They must have been contacts . He rubbed my face again . I almost cried even harder but I was too scared too . Music came on . They turned it really loud . I guess to drown out my crying and heavy breathing . I wanted to know what they were going to do . I swallowed hard and said please . He didn 't hear me the first time until I got louder . I said please again and he looked down . Then I screamed it . Please ! ! After that I went on . I said Please dont hurt me , please let me go please . The music turned low . He was just smiling at me . I was crying again . " Listen , were not going to let you go , were not going to bargain with you , just lay there and look sexy OK " The guy from the front seat turned back around after those words . The guy holding my legs rubbed his hand underneath my pant leg . The guy above me told him to wait . It was then clear to me what their plans were . I didn 't know if they would kill me but I knew they would rape me . The guy in the front and the other one who was driving were talking . They were saying how when they got there that they would go straight to the back room . I had my eyes closed . I was thinking about Bryan . Bryan would kill these guys if he seen them take me . I missed him so bad . I thought about my parents and my friends . I thought about how maybe this was happening because I was so sick and fantasized about it . I thought to myself that I cant believe I would have pretended this happened to me . This was so horrible . I tried to prepare myself . In reality , there is nothing you can do to prepare for this situation . After I heard them say we were close , I couldn 't take it . I would rather die fighting then have those psychos torture me . I jumped up and swung my legs off onto the floorboard . I turned my head and tried to grab the door handle . That only lasted a second before they grabbed me by the legs arms and hair . He pulled my hair and slapped my face so hard that it was stinging . " You fucking dumb bitch , You want to fucking die dumb ass . " No , I screamed I told him I would be good . I was crying at my stupid failed attempt . He grabbed my throat and squeezed it . He pulled me to his face and he took his lips and sucked on my bottom lip hard . He softly bit it and smiled at me while he was still squeezing my neck . I couldn 't breath . He let go pushed my head down on his lap . " Were here , you try anything or scream this time I will slit your fucking throat . " I closed my eyes hard so the tears would fall out so I could see . Out the window I saw white walls and shelves hanging . I could tell we were in a garage . The front doors opened and then the back ones . The guy holding my feet let go and got out and shut the door . I didn 't even try to do anything because there was nothing that could be done . The guy holding me let me go but held my arm as he got out . I got out , tears still falling . This was it , I thought . Whatever they have planned , they are going to do and there was nothing I could do . When I got out , one guy walked behind me and the rest went into a door and I followed . It opened to a large living room . It was plain and I remember seeing a fish tank and a long wooden board that was laid across a table and it had spray paint on it . The walls were bare . There was one grey looking couch and a huge TV with gaming consoles and games on the floor . They led me back toward a hallway . It was dark . I asked them again to please let me go . They didn 't even reply to me . The guy behind me slapped me on the ass extremely hard that it pushed me forward and the other guys laughed . A light turned on as I approached the room . I stopped in the doorway and the other guys were all standing around . The guy behind me pushed me hard on my back and I fell forward into the room . I sat up . I was shaking . I looked up and all four of them were staring at me . " Get up baby " I stood up . The room had posters of sports bikes and nude girls all over the walls . There were beer bottles on shelves . There was an unfolded futon behind me . I fell to the floor . I couldn 't cry no more my tears were all gone . I had a sinking feeling in my stomach . " Melody look at me . You need to be a good girl OK " The words were like knives stabbing me . One of them came toward me and grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it until I stood up . He wiped the wetness off my face and licked my neck . I remember trying to pull his hand away from my hair . It hurt so bad . Another guy came up behind me and started rubbing his hand on my ass . He released my hair and the other two guys came over . The guy behind me lifted me up by my hips and threw me down on the futon . I rolled myself off the other end and ran screaming toward a door . They all were laughing as I opened the door and they didn 't even chase me . The door opened to a closet . I jumped in the closet and shut the door and held it tight . The door pulled open with force and I fell backward . I fell on a pile of random things and my back was hurting . " You fucked up girl , now were going to fuck the shit out of you twice as hard . " I looked around for something sharp and he grabbed my arm so I picked up something off the floor . I managed to pick up a small clock radio and I slammed it into his head . Now that I look back on it , what I did was so stupid . There were four of them so knocking one out wouldn 't even have mattered . But , when your at that point your not thinking clear . Your only thinking of getting away and doing everything you can to resist . The smarter thing would have been to just lay there and let them do what they wanted . He screamed when I hit him and the other guys laughed . He grabbed my hand and the radio clock and swung me fast and I hit the wall . He went at me and picked up the radio and threw it back in the closet . He sat me up against the wall and he slapped me so hard that my tooth cut the inside of my mouth . My eyes closed and I could taste my blood . " Fuck you you fucking dumb bitch , your not too smart are you . I 'm going to ram my fucking dick down your throat until you choke and pass the fuck out . " They laughed and the guy who sat me down grabbed my legs and pulled me down on the bed to lay me flat . They all got on the small bed two on each side . " Take her shirt off " They Lifted me up and one pulled my shirt up and over my head . They commented on my bathing suit top and then untied the strings . I moved my hands up and covered my breasts . I slowly put my hands down , I was tear less crying and begging them over and over again to please stop . I told them my dad would give them money and they laughed at me . Each one of them took turns squeezing my breasts , Three of them squeezed very hard and one did it softly . The guy to the right of me licked my nipples and he bit them hard and made me yell . One of them unbuttoned my pants and I struggled but again there was nothing I could do , he pulled them down with my bathing suit bottoms inside them . I was laying there completely naked with four strange guys . They stared at my pussy . It made me feel so horrible . I cant even explain to you how disgusted it made me feel . Like I was a doll they were playing with . I was embarrassed and I closed my eyes . They were all rubbing me talking so nasty . One was squeezing my boobs , the others were rubbing my legs and then the worse part came . Two of the guys grabbed my legs and tried to spread them . I fought . One of them slapped my stomach . The guy who was touching my breasts got up on his knees behind me and held me up by my arms . " Melody remember what we told you " I let go of what little strength I had left . They spread my legs open . Three of them took turns touching on me and rubbing me . I jerked and twisted but it only made it worse so I tried to stay still . They rubbed it awhile commenting on how tight they knew it was , and how sweet it must taste . The guy holding me had his hands on my breasts holding them . I closed my eyes . I felt a finger slip inside me . I felt so dirty . I felt so bad that I could have ever let this be a fantasy of mine . This was so horrible . I wondered if they were going to kill me . I thought about Bryan being the only guy that was ever inside me , I thought about how much pain it would take before I would pass out . I wondered if they would take turns fucking me and how would they do it . They each slid there fingers in me and commented on how it tasted sweet . One said to me that I taste so good that he was going to lock me up and never let me go . Hearing that I started crying again . I tried thinking of something else to get my mind off of the act that was happening to me but I couldn 't . The guy holding my breasts leaned over me and slipped his finger in . After they all done this they starting planning out what they would do to me . One guy sat in between my legs and slid his finger inside me . The guy behind me switched positions with another one and he held my arms back . The other two guys pulled there pants off and then there boxers and got on each side of me . As he was saying this he picked up a gun that must have been in his pants . I said yes after seeing the gun . He Had one leg standing off the bed and the other on the bed as he stretched himself toward me . The guy behind me turned me so I could reach the guys dick . I closed my eyes for a moment . My throat had already hurt from screaming and pleading and my mouth was sore from being slapped so hard . I stuck my tongue out and barely pressed it to his dick . I did as he told me to . His dick was bigger than Bryan 's and when he put it in my mouth it touched my throat . He pushed it in further and I pulled my head away and coughed . He grabbed me by the hair . He jammed his dick in my mouth and I gagged on it . Somehow my tears returned . He was thrusting inside my mouth hard . I gagged and coughed . My throat was feeling like it was bleeding , I felt his dick go deep in my throat I couldn 't take it no more . I pulled away . The guy on the other side grabbed my hair and pulled me to him . I was screaming but nothing but spit came out of my mouth it was all down my face and chin from him gagging me . The guy fingering me was still going at it watching what the others were doing . The guy who had pulled me to him palmed the back of my head and told me to open my mouth and he shoved his dick inside . He did the same as the other one did but not as hard . I felt my legs being lifted and then my hips , he lifted me up and the other guy pulled his dick from my mouth . The guy behind me helped him lift me and I looked at him in the eyes and then I looked down . He was positioning me and then I felt his dick slowly go inside me . I started crying and making noises . I couldn 't scream because my throat was in pain . He was all the way in and I felt myself tense up inside . I was so tense that it felt like he was breaking something inside me . He put his hands on my hips and the guy behind me with his hands on my arms helped him lift me up and back down on his dick . " Oh fuck dude , shes so fucking tight . " The guy next to him grabbed my hair and told me to open my mouth , they told me they loved my moaning . It wasn 't moaning it was low pitched screams and it was all I had left . While he was bouncing me up and down , the guy to the left grabbed my hair and pulled me to his dick and shoved himself in my mouth . I couldn 't concentrate on what was hurting me worse . My throat and pussy were filled with these men and the pain I felt and the disgusting feeling I had wont leave my mind to this day . The guy to the right took my hair and pulled my mouth away from the other guy and when he did , my tooth slid across his dick and he yelled . They both had my hair and were pulling it and Lifted my hands and gripped there arms to try to get them to stop . They laughed at me and the guy thrusting inside me lifted my body up high almost enough so his dick would fall out of me but it didn 't . He then slammed me down on his dick as hard as he could and a scream ripped through my throat . I felt like my insides were collapsing . I laid my head back and rested it on the guy who was behind me . I had nothing left inside me . I was weak . My mouth and throat was dry . I was sore , and the guy thrusting inside me pulled out letting my lower body lay flat on the bed . The guy behind me got up and I fell backward on the bed . Even though he was out of me I felt a scolding feeling inside . I guess I was just raw . I couldn 't even swallow and I could barely open my eyes . One of the guys laid flat on the bed . Two of them grabbed me and lifted me up and mounted me on top of the guy . He stuck his dick inside me and I rested there . It didn 't even hurt this time . His dick was inside me and I fell on him and laid my head resting it on his shoulder . I thought he would slap me and tell me to sit up but he didn 't . He rubbed my face and hair and waited for his friends . One guy stood at the side of the futon bed and faced me stroking his dick . And then another came and did the same . At that point I wasn 't sure where the fourth one was but , I quickly found out . I felt his hand spread one of my ass cheeks and then two wet fingers rubbed my hole . I begged him and I jerked up and the guy underneath dragged me back down and rubbed my hair again . The guy underneath me wrapped his hands around my back and held me tightly so I couldn 't move . I begged and begged him to please not do it . The guy under me lifted his body so I would arch for the other guys entry . I felt the tip start to press on my asshole . He went slow for a second and then he pushed his cock in my hole hard , I was so tense that he had a hard time pushing it as hard as he wanted . He gripped my hips as he tried to shove himself in me hard . My head was pressed against the guys chest as I barely could scream . The pain was so sharp I felt like passing out . The guy underneath me and the guy fucking my asshole starting going in sync with each other . One would push in and then the other . All I could do was whimper and take it . One of the guys standing leaned over the bed and lifted my head stretching my neck up . He slapped the hell out of my face and then the other guy slapped it on the other side . My eyes were closed . I had no thoughts at all but that I just wanted it to stop . It lasted so long . The two guys standing took turns shoving there dicks in my throat telling me to make my lips tighter and that they better not feel my teeth . They all talked back and forth the whole time while my pain was still high . I turned my head away and dropped it on the guy underneath as he was thrusting trying to be in sync with the guy in my ass . He grabbed my hair and shoved his cock that was inside my ass in my mouth and he pushed it so far that I choked , my eyes felt like they were bleeding . I pulled my mouth away and shook my head side to side coughing and he laughed . The other one standing grabbed me by the neck and slapped his dick on the side of my face hard and fast and then the other guy joined in on the other side . After what seemed like forever , the guy who hadn 't had his turn in me switched places with the guy fucking me in the ass . The two guys in front of me were stroking there dick hard pointing at my face . The guy behind me lifted me up and the guy underneath got up and stood . He told me to sit on the edge of the bed and open my mouth . My Insides were in so much pain , My ass was sore along with my throat . I couldn 't sit up . One of the guys slapped me and I fell to the side laying my head down . He lifted me back up and told me to open my mouth and look at him I swallowed it and gagged , right after , another of the men pointed his dick in my face and without warning it shot on the side of my face and he told me to wipe it with my fingers and lick it . I did as he told again coughing when I tasted it . Both of the other guys were already pointed in my face and shot out almost the same time , it landed in my hair , my cheek and my mouth and again they threatened me to swallow it so I did . " Damn baby , you are so good " One of the guys threw my clothes on me . They began getting themselves dressed . I was so weak , my body was shaking , I was cold , I was in such pain . I barely had enough energy to put my bathing suit bottoms and pants on but I managed to . One of the guys had to help me put my bathing suit top on and tie it . He then helped me put my shirt on . He could see how weak I was so he picked me up and carried me . We went back to the SUV they brought me in and he lifted me up and pushed me over and I sat in between them . I was out of it , I couldn 't hear anything , I couldn 't think of anything , I was just there . The guy who had held me put his arm around me and my head fell to his shoulder . I remember him laying his head on mine and rubbing my arm . All the other guys were talking and I cant remember in detail what they were saying , I tried to block them out . I closed my eyes , my whole body was still in so much pain and every breath I took made my throat throb . I remember the guy holding me whispering to me . He told me he was sorry . He also told me that it wasn 't his choice . I guess none of the other guys who were talking heard him . I drifted off . My eyes opened wide I just remember seeing the light inside the car go on . The back car doors opened . The guy who was holding me got out and pulled me out and picked me up , he and another guy walked me a short distance and sat me up against a wall . The other guy walked away and tears streamed down my face as the guy who had whispered to me bent down and kissed my cheek and told me he was sorry . He then left me and the SUV drove off . I couldn 't see enough to get the license number . I laid there in pain and eventually drifted to sleep for hours until morning when a man found me and called the police . I was taken to the hospital , and from then on , there was nothing they could do to find the men who did that to me . Three months later my family moved away . None of us could stand living there knowing they were still there and got away with it . Bryan and I stayed together even after I moved but eventually we couldn 't handle the long distance and he couldn 't handle me shutting him out of my life the way I started to do . Sometimes at nights , I have nightmares about what happened and I can still vaguely see their faces . I also think about the guy who told me he was sorry . I dont think I will ever forget what happened to me . I dont think I could ever even have sex again after what happened . I do know one thing , I will never fantasize about rape ever again . I am now a rape victim . Theres nothing erotic about it . The only reason I feel strongly about it still , isn 't because I liked it when it happened , it 's because I think at least one of those guys knew what they were doing was wrong and hopefully felt bad about it after . Theres no way of knowing . My fantasy now is to find a man that I can trust and that I can feel comfortable about telling my story to and maybe he can help me get over it . That day may never come . This is why I only read like rough sex and reluctance . Most reluctance is like te person doesn 't want to but then decides they want to . I 'm really sorry this happened to you . I myself was sexually abused not raped . And don 't feel bad about how you fantasizes about it . It 's ok . And what happened there will probably make you stronger . Don 't take shit from anyone . Just keep going forward . |
I hope everyone had a safe and joyous Christmas . My Christmas was relaxing and enjoyable . We had our traditional fried oysters on Christmas Eve . Christmas morning the kitties got their gifts . They had lots of fun with their new toys after indulging in some of their new catnip . My cousin and her husband visited at my brother 's in the early afternoon . I left hubby at home with directions to get the turkey in the oven while I joined them . We had our Christmas dinner that evening . There were only three of us , so we had lots of food to eat and we all stuffed ourselves . It began to snow here Christmas afternoon and snowed on through Sunday morning . I measured almost 4 inches on my deck when it stopped . We were lucky that we only got the edge of the storm . I felt sorry for those who were stranded by the snow , but it was so pretty coming down and really made it look like Christmas . Almost all of our snow has melted now and the prediction is for warmer temperatures this weekend . My computer is in the process of dying , so I 've been trying to back up everything and transfer files to my laptop . Other than working on that , I 've been lazy since Christmas . Hubby got me a Nook , so I 've been curled up under my throw reading . I 'm a little over halfway through House Rules by Jodi Picoult and have several more books ready to read . I promise to work on all those items on my To Do list after the first of the year . I 've declared this week a vacation . Mommy is real busy so she told us to do a bloggy post . Here is what we gots to say . . . . . . This is Maggie May speakin ' . I 'm real excited about Santa Claws comin ' . I have only one wish this year . I want someone to take away that gray and white cat who came here a few months ago . Mommy and Daddy call it Mollie Ann - I call it Intruder and I hate it . I been tryin ' to kill it . but Mommy and Daddy keeps us apart so I can 't git to it . Please just make it go find it 's own home ' cause this is my place - I was here first . Does anyone want a gray and white cat ? I 'll give you one for Christmas . Luv , Maggie MayThis is Mazie Grace wishin ' you a Merry Christmas ! I 've been a good girl this year . I worked real hard keepin ' all the mice , rats , and moles away . I been huntin ' every night - that 's why I sleeps all day . My wish for Christmas is some peace and quiet - please make my sisters stop fightin ' . I can 't get my beauty sleeps with all the hissin ' goin ' on round here . Santa Claws can bring me some cheese ' cause I loves cheese . I hope Santa brings you something nice . I can save you a big fat mousey if you want . Kisses , Mazie GraceMerry Christmas from Mollie Ann ! I am so thankful this year that I found me a new home . I have lots of food and treats , a warm bed , and lovin ' and pettin ' , from Mommy and Daddy . My new sister Maggie May wants me to go away and tries to kill me , but I 'm not goin ' nowhere . I 'm stayin ' right here . I want Santa to brings me some new toys . I have a basket full , but I wants some more . I want some food too ' cause I loves to eat . I hope you get all your Christmas wishes ! Love , Mollie Ann The tree is up and decorated . My collection of Santas are lined up under the tree awaiting the gifts . Signs of Christmas are showing up all over the house . Snow has decorated the window boxes on the porch . Yes , it 's really beginning to look like Christmas at our house . It 's even beginning to smell like Christmas . I spent the day in the kitchen baking cookies and making candy . We 're going to put on at least 10 pounds each if we eat all these goodies . Hope everyone is having a wonderful day . Seems like I 've been busy , but I haven 't accomplished a thing of interest . I got my Christmas cards done today and actually took them out in the cold rain and put them in the mail . I 've begun my decorating , but still have the tree and a few other things to do . I 'll have pictures when it is done . I 've started some baking , but still have more to do . Do you notice a pattern here ? I 've started Christmas preparations but need to get busy and finish what I 've started . I did get to the hairdresser last week . I had decided to stop coloring my hair and embrace the natural gray . Well , my hair isn 't a pretty shade of gray - it 's a mousey , steel grey mixed with brown . It looked so bad I had to get it colored again . It 's now back to it 's natural dark brown . Tuesday I have an appointment to get my eyes checked . I will need to get new glasses . My lenses are so scratched I can hardly see through them . I 'm trying to decide what type of frames I want to get . I hate making decisions . I 'm sure everyone is busy with Christmas preparations and festivities . Have a good week ! My Thanksgiving / Christmas cactus began blooming around Thanksgiving and will probably bloom up until Christmas . I think it was suppose to be a Christmas cactus , but it 's always a bit early so I call it a Thanksgiving / Christmas cactus . I keep it in the guestroom which has south and west facing windows . All of my plants thrive in that room . We had a light dusting of snow last night . It wasn 't enough to cover the ground , but it was so pretty coming down . It made me suddenly realize that winter has arrived . I need to get outside and winterize a few things , but it was too cold and too windy today - maybe tomorrow . I haven 't gotten any more sorting out done at my Dad 's house . I think the clothes were one of the major clutter areas . I will probably leave most things for my brother to take care of . He was back in New Jersey last week , so I was cat sitting . Sandy ( the cat ) was lonely , so I sat and brushed him each time I went to feed him . I 'm hoping I can get some of my Christmas decorations up next week . I also want to do a little baking . I 've been busy the last week trying to clean out junk at my Dad 's . My brother is gradually moving his stuff into the house , so we have to get rid of the clutter to make room . My parents lived in that house for 65 years , so things have been accumulating for that long . My Dad didn 't believe in throwing anything away . He believed it might come in handy one day or he might be able to fix it . Mom would try to clean out closets and Dad would rescue his things and put them back . Then , as Mom got older , she didn 't feel like going through and cleaning things out . I would offer to help , but she didn 't want the confusion or mess involved . As a result , things kept piling up . Mom often told us she was going to come back as a ghost and laugh at us when we had to clean everything out . I wonder if she did . I listened , but didn 't hear her laughing . My sister came and got most of the valuable family antiques . Some have been in the family for hundreds of years . She has the only children in the family , so everything will eventually go to her two boys . Most of the usable and non - junk items will stay there for my brother to use . We spent most of our time cleaning out old clothes in closets . We had cleaned out Mom 's clothes after she passed away , so all we had to deal with were Dad 's . I bet my Dad never threw away any clothes . Some of the suits must have been fifty years old . He had farm work clothes that wouldn 't even make decent rags , they were so worn . I know we took at least twenty bags to the dumpster . We still have a pile to take to Goodwill . While going through closets , we found a box of old curtains that I remember being at the windows when I was little . We also found a doll that I remember . There is a box of letters that my brother and I wrote to Mom and Dad when we were in college . When I get a chance I 'm going to read them . I 'm sure as we go through other things , we will find lots of memories . We finally pulled up all the tomato vines today . They were full of little green tomatoes , but only a few were getting ripe . I did manage to get several fresh garden tomatoes for our Thanksgiving dinner . Don 't they look yummy ? One year I saved some of the green tomatoes , wrapped them in newspaper and stored them in a cool place . That year we had garden tomatoes for Christmas . They weren 't as good as summer tomatoes , but were better than store bought tomatoes in the winter . My brother will be back in Virginia tomorrow night . I 've had cat sitting duty this week while he was gone . We 'll have turkey and all the side dishes Thanksgiving Day . There will only be three of us , so we will have to do a lot of eating . I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving ! Not far from my house is a farm that raises chickens for Tyson . Big trucks carrying food , etc . are constantly turning the corner in front of my house . Then every so often they transport chickens out , and these huge trucks piled high with crates stuffed full of chickens goes by . I can 't stand to watch those trucks because I feel so sorry for the poor chickens . In hot weather , it looks like at least half of them are already dead by the time they get to my house . Just looking at those trucks will make you think twice before buying Tyson chicken at the grocery . About four weeks ago my neighbor who owns the field right in front of my house decided to fertilize his fields using manure from the chicken houses . If you 've never had the misfortune to smell chicken manure in large quantities , let me assure you that it is not a pleasant odor . The manure they spread was very , very dry and must have been powder - like in consistency . There were large clouds of manure coming out of the back of the truck spreading it . Some of these clouds headed directly toward my house . I immediately made sure all windows were tightly closed on the house and on the vehicles . I watched as a fine dust of manure mixed with feathers settled on everything outside . Luckily , the wind shifted after awhile and blew the clouds in the other direction . It was a bit smelly outside for a few days , but after we had a rain the odor was gone . Just one of the joys of living in the country . Our leaves are falling fast . They cover the yard and the roads . They blow around in little whirlwinds and crunch under feet . They get tracked into the house and litter the floor of the car . Hubby has been busy running the leaf vacuum over the yard , but he can 't keep up with them . Here are some pictures I took earlier this week . This is the side of our front yard . This is the side of our back yard . View across the field on the other side of the house . This is the red maple in our front yard . It was planted over an old well and fell below ground when the well caved in . It gradually grew out of its hole and now looks like a bush rather than a tree . I would like to thank each of you for your kind words and expressions of sympathy on the passing of my Dad . I have really been touched by the kindness of the blogging community . You are a great group of people and I 'm honored to know you . I 'm looking forward to things getting back to normal . It must be a sign of getting older when you crave routine and boredom . We went over the yard with the leaf vacuum for the first time this week . The leaves were falling as fast as we were getting them up . Our trees have turned and are very colorful . I must get out and take some pictures before the color fades . The cats still hate each other . I 'm beginning to think they will never get along . I 've quit trying to keep the peace . They 'll have to sort things out themselves . I 'm taking care of my Dad 's cat Sandy while my brother is in New Jersey . My brother will be moving back here to my Dad 's house over the next couple of months , so the days he 's in New Jersey , I will be a cat sitter . Luckily Sandy can stay at home and I won 't have to introduce another cat to my three . Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday . First , I want to thank each of you for your thoughts and prayers for my Dad . He passed away around 4 : 00 Saturday morning . I 'm glad his suffering is over and that he is at peace . He lived a good , long life ( 96 years ) . He wanted to be at home and I 'm thankful that we were able to keep him there until the end . We had services for him this afternoon . My brother - in - law played the guitar , and he and my nephew sang a beautiful hymm . My cousin , who has been farming Dad 's land since Dad sold his cows , is being deployed to Afghanistan this week and couldn 't attend the funeral . He wrote a touching rememberance of Dad that his son read . It was truly a celebration of his life . We don 't usually have many visitors , but over the weekend there were lots of people going in and out . Maggie May is terribly upset over all the strange people smells in her house . She never has been a friendly cat - usually hiding under the bed when someone comes and staying there for at least an hour after they leave . She had been crying and pacing the floor all night , until I finally calmed her down a few minutes ago . Mazie Grace is out and about on her nightly hunting expedition . Last night was very productive - she had a squirrel and a bird for breakfast this morning . Mollie Ann is in the garage curled up on the rocking chair , resting after filling her fat belly . Our weather has been sunny but cool . It finally feels like fall . We haven 't had a frost around my house yet , so my flowers are still blooming . The tomato plants look better than they did all summer , and I have lots of little green tomatoes that will probably never ripen . We will have to start getting up leaves before long - they are falling fast . I haven 't gotten used to the idea of fall yet , and before long Christmas will be here . Seems the older I get , the faster time flies . I 'm off to catch up on your blogs - if I don 't fall asleep first . Tomorrow is election day . I hope everyone regardless of party gets out and votes for the candidate of their choice . Voting is a right and an obligation . I haven 't seen the little black dog again . I hope he found his way home . Our next dog will find us one of these days . If one doesn 't show up at our door , we 'll visit the local SPCA . The cats are not getting along any better , but they do try to avoid each other . Maggie May is the main instigator of trouble . She is very jealous and has quite a temper . Hubby was petting Mazie Grace the other afternoon , while Maggie was sitting close by watching his every move . He was ignoring Maggie , so I told him he should pet her too . When he tried , Maggie hissed and growled at him and tried to nip his hand . A few minutes later , she jumped on his foot and tried to bite him . She wouldn 't let him touch her until several hours later when all seemed to be forgotten and forgiven . Maggie thinks she is the top cat in this household . I may not get to update my blog for awhile . My Dad is not doing well , so I 've been spending most of my time trying to care for him . He is refusing to eat or drink anything , so we have to continually force liquids into him . I 'm afraid he won 't be with us much longer , so I want to spend as much time as possible with him . The little dog has disappeared . I walked over the field this morning and didn 't see it . Evidently it got its strength back , and decided to try and make it back home . I hope it gets to its destination okay . At least it knows where to go if it ever needs food again . I 'm going to keep an eye out for it . I must admit , I 'm a bit disappointed . I was getting excited about having a dog again . I just need to be patient . One day a dog will show up that needs a home and it will decide to stay . Until then , you will have to put up with posts about cats . Or maybe you would prefer to hear about snakes . I almost stepped on this fella in the front yard yesterday afternoon . If you 're not freaked out by snakes , look closely at his midsection . You can see a bulge , which I 'm sure was his supper ( probably a mole from the front yard . ) I watched him as he made his way toward the house , up onto the front porch , and then into a crack in the siding around one on the porch posts . It got really cold last night , so he was looking for a protected place to hibernate and digest his catch . This is a black snake . Black snakes are not poisonous and are beneficial for keeping mice and rats away . I 've also heard that they will keep copperhead snakes away . Copperheads are poisonous . I almost stepped on one at my garage door last week and had Hubby kill it . I don 't want to step on one of those by accident ! So , little black snake be useful and chase all those copperheads away . If you do , you may hibernate in my porch post . Now that I 've scared you with snake stories , I will wish you a great weekend . For those of you who are tired of hearing about my cats , today I will post about a dog . This is a young dog - still just a puppy . It is very , very thin and very , very hungry . It is hard for it to stand or walk ( I think it must have been hit by a car . ) It had made a bed in the field beside my house and was curled up - hungry , sore , and alone . Around noon today Hubby saw it and asked me if that was Maggie over by the fence . I could tell it was too big , so I walked out to check and found this sweet little dog . I talked softly to it and tried to check it 's condition without scaring it . It would stand and put a little weight on the hurt leg , so I hope that means nothing is broken , just bruised and sore . I got several hamburger buns and fed it . It gobbled them down quickly . I went to town this afternoon and got a bag of Puppy Chow and have fed it two bowls and took it a bucket of water . It has perked up and is beginning to think I can be trusted . I haven 't checked to see if it is a he or a she - that 's why it is an it . I 'll let it rest tonight and will check first thing in the morning to see if it is still there . I 'm sure it will be and I 'm sure we now have a dog . Neither Hubby nor I can ignore a hungry and homeless animal . I 'm sure this is the dog we are meant to have . When we lost Black Jack in January 2006 and Charlie in August 2007 , we both wanted another dog . Black Jack and Charlie - December 2005We have never had a puppy since all our dogs were strays - both Black Jack and Charlie were almost grown when they found us . We considered getting a puppy from the SPCA , but I just had a feeling that we were suppose to wait for a homeless dog to find us . Black Jack was special to me and I have wanted another black lab mix . Well , it looks like this little dog meets all our wants - it 's homeless , it found us , it 's a black lab mix , and while not a puppy it is still a youngster . Guess my blog readers will have to suffer through posts about cats and dogs now . I just pray that no more homeless critters are sent my way - three catPosted by It 's really beginning to feel like fall . Have you noticed how much shorter the days are ? I have to round up Maggie and get her inside so much earlier now . The nights have gotten cool , forcing me to shut the windows after supper . I haven 't turned on the heat yet , but according to the weather report , I may have to tomorrow night . Our trees are just beginning to turn . The hickory and some maples are showing color . The woods are still mostly green now , but before long , they will be full of color . Halloween decorations are showing up everywhere . Pumpkins and mums are on porches . Fall is a pretty time of the year . If it didn 't lead into winter , I might enjoy it more . Mollie Ann is no longer an outsider . She has forced her way into our home and refuses to be intimidated by the other cats . She has decided that the garage is her territory . She sleeps on the rocker which gives her a good view of the food dish . Poor Mazie Grace is scared of Mollie and won 't go in the garage to eat any more . We have to feed her in the house . Maggie will still hiss at her , but will usually walk away when Mollie refuses to back off . Mollie has gotten so fat . I have never seen a cat eat as much as she does . She will eat a whole larger can of food , follow it with a dish of dry food , and be looking for more . I believe she is almost as heavy as Maggie May . Hubby and I have been lazy lately . I have begun to get out winter clothes and put away summer clothes - a job I hate . I wish I had a big closet , so I didn 't have to do this twice a year . Nothing exciting going on here . We decided it was time to cut down our over grown shrubs . We took two huge trailer loads to the landfill . Then , we planted new shrubs that hopefully will never get that big . I made a larger shelter for Mollie Ann and put it on the far side of the shed . No one has used it . Mazie and Mollie both use the smaller one I have on the deck . I may move it closer to the house . I put insulation in this one using rigid foam insulation so it will be cozy when it gets cold . We just finished staining the deck and pool deck again . We put a thick coat on this time , so I hope it will last several years . We 've been picking up walnuts every other day . The black walnut tree is full again this year . They are very destructive to lawn mower blades , so we have to get them up . And , I 've been busy trying to keep the peace with these three females . We haven 't had any bad fights yet - just lots of hissing and growling . I think they are beginning to accept the existence of the others . All three are in this picture . It 's the first time the three of them have been in close proximity . You can just see my tomato plants in this picture . I 'm still getting a few small tomatoes and some cherry tomatoes . It won 't be long before I 'll clean out the garden beds . As you can see , we 've been busy , but not with fun or exciting activities . I use HughesNet to access the internet . I have a dish similar to our DirecTV dish on the roof and receive signals from a satellite . Wednesday night I lost my internet connection . It is very rare for me to lose the satellite signal , but since we were having heavy rains moving into the region , I thought that was the cause . I tried several times thursday to get online and still had no luck . Of course , we were in the middle of our heavy rains , so even though I was beginning to go into withdrawal , I assumed everything would be operational as soon as the rain departed . Friday morning I awoke to clearing skies , so I sat down at the computer to check my email and blogs . I still couldn 't get online ! Now I was really getting a bit anxious and was feeling online withdrawal . I called the local firm that originally installed my dish to report that I was having problems . They came out that afternoon and had me online in no time . The cover to the receiver on the dish was cracked and water had gotten inside , so they replaced the cover . I have now caught up on my email and blogs . Life is back to normal . We are still shuffling cats around in order to prevent fights . The nights that it was raining , we kept Maggie May and Mazie Grace in the house so Mollie Ann could stay in the garage . I got Hubby to buy a larger tote and some sheets of foam insulation to make another shelter to put behind the shed . Directions for the shelter are here . We 'll keep the smaller one on the deck since Mazie Grace likes to sleep in it . Maggie May is still determined to kill Mollie Ann . That seems to be her major goal these days . She sits on the deck watching and waiting for her to come . I have to bring her in the house so Mollie Ann can come up to eat every evening . It keeps me busy trying to keep the peace around here with three female cats . We finally got some much needed rain yesterday . It was a real treat . It 's been a long time since we had a cool , wet day . We 're hoping for some more tomorrow . I did worry about little Mollie Ann , however , since she has been living in the wooded area beside the house . I had seen instructions for a simple shelter for feral cats in a recent issue of the Humane Society 's magazine All Animals . I had an old storage tote that I wasn 't using , so Hubby and I cut a door in the side , put an old towel in it , and set it on the deck . We may move it behind the shed so it will be closer to where Mollie Ann stays during the day . I don 't think Mollie Ann has used her shelter yet . Mazie Grace discovered it this afternoon and she spent all afternoon sleeping in it . That 's her in the picture . At least I know that one of the cats will use it . Yesterday , we decided to take another trip to Monticello . We wanted to tour the upstairs rooms that just opened to the public this year . I left my camera in the car because I knew that pictures were not allowed in the downstairs rooms . However , they did allow pictures to be taken upstairs . Next time we go , I will know to take my camera . To reach the second floor , you must go up narrow , steep , winding stairs . The rooms are unfurnished , except for alcove beds . These rooms were used by family members and guests . The third floor , also reached by narrow , steep stairs , contains the rotunda . I thought this was the prettiest room in the house , however , it was never used for anything except storage . After leaving Monticello , we stopped at the Kluge Estate Winery for a bottle of their wine . It was an enjoyable morning outing . Mollie Ann is doing fine . I take her back to the vet tomorrow afternoon to have the stitches taken out . We let her out of the garage Sunday morning , since she was getting very restless and had torn up the window blinds . : - ( She still stays gone all day and comes up to the house at dark for her supper . Mazie Grace seems to be accepting her presence , although she is not happy about it . Maggie May is the aggressive one . She acts like she wants to inflict pain on her . Mollie Ann had her operation yesterday . When I brought her home , I put her in the garage so she could recover . She ate a whole can of food , drank some water , found and used the litter box , then claimed the rocker as a bed . She has been completely satisfied out there all day and has made no attempt to escape . I think she feels very safe and secure . The other cats haven 't been allowed in the garage , since I don 't think Mollie Ann needs to be in a cat fight right now . Doesn 't she look comfortable ? My brother is at my Dad 's for the weekend which means that the nurses aides are not there . We have been busy with his care . He cannot stand at all now , so we have to lift him when moving from the bed to the wheelchair and to his recliner . I have much admiration for nurses and those who care for people - I could never do it . I have been so tied up with issues concerning my Dad and life in general , that I have totally neglected blogging . Sometimes you have to deal with the most important things first . I 'm hoping that things will settle down now and I can get back to my usual routines . All of you who were betting on Mollie Ann becoming a member of the household are winners . When she comes to the deck tonight around dark , I will put her in the garage . Then in the morning she will go to the vet to be spayed and to get a rabies shot . I haven 't found anyone who will claim to be her owner . I don 't know where she goes during the day , but every night around 8 PM she comes across the back yard and up on the deck for her supper and for water . She is always gone by daylight . After a little effort , I convinced her that I was not a danger . Once she allowed me to touch her , she was overjoyed to be held and petted . She was someone 's pet and is used to being held . She even got in my lap last night and went to sleep . Of course . Maggie May and Mazie Grace are not very happy that she invades their area . In fact , Mazie Grace watches for her at night and tries to chase her away . So far , we 've only had some hissing and growling - no physical fights . I 'm sure with time they will accept her presence - or at least I hope they will . We are still getting summer weather . It 's been in the upper 80s or 90s - today was 93 . We haven 't gotten any rain since August 19th , so it is terribly dry . Some areas have limited the use of water since the reservoirs are so low . Our water comes from a well , so we are being careful with our water use too . I 'm off to get Mollie in the garage and then catch up on a week 's worth of blog posts . . . . . This is Mollie Ann . I don 't know if she is merely a visitor or if she has moved in . Maggie May and Mazie Grace keep telling her to go away - that this is their home and she should go find her own place to live . Hubby says she belongs to someone and is just coming by to get food . He 's thinking about the $ 500 . plus vet bill for spaying , shots , etc . we had for Mazie Grace when she showed up . I think she is so sweet and I want to adopt her . Time will tell . . . . . . . Posted by Several weeks ago , I caught a glimpse of a strange cat several times when I went outside . Once I saw Mazie Grace chasing it across the back yard . Then I started to notice that occasionally all the dry cat food that I would put in the garage for Mazie Grace would disappear if we left the door open after dark . Hubby and I both came to the conclusion that this might be another homeless cat dropped off beside the road by a heartless and cruel person . We started putting a bowl of dry food beside a bucket of water on the deck every night . I would watch at the window . Every night as soon as it gets dark , she comes up and eats her food and drinks some water . She seems to stay around the deck all night . I don 't know where she hides during the day . If she sees any movement at the window she will run off , so she is very scared . I can 't get a good look at her , but she appears to be gray and white . I 've got to try to gain her trust so I can get my hands on her . If she is not pregnant already , I need to get her to the vet quickly . Of course , Maggie May and Mazie Grace are not very happy that this stranger is coming around their house . I cannot understand people who will take a cat or dog they no longer want and drop it off beside the road - left alone to hunt for food or starve . All of our pets except Maggie May have been throw aways that we have taken in . They all have been sweet and loving animals . Looks like we may have cat number three . Around 7 AM this morning , we began to see some of the outer bands of clouds from hurricane Earl . Other than clouds , we 're not suppose to see any effects from the hurricane . It will remain off the coast of Virginia . I hope the damage along the coast will be minimal . I have a new favorite music group - J J Grey & Mofro . I had never heard of them until recently when they released a new album called Georgia Warhorse . I previewed the album and immediately fell in love with their music . I would describe it as funky , bluesy , swamp rock . It 's the kind of music that makes you get up and groove to the beat . It reminds me of the music I listened to years ago . The band originated in northern Florida in the Jacksonville area . Grey grew up on a farm near the swamps . His music reflects his childhood and his love of the land and nature . He isn 't into the LA , New York , or Nashville music scene . He writes his songs on the front porch of his farm and records at a small , local studio . Listen to one of his songs . I bet you can 't sit still ! It 's " The Sweetest Thing " . I have been absent from blogland for the last week or so . My Dad became ill and I had to have the ambulance take him to the hospital . Between visiting him every day , taking care of his cat and things at his house , and keeping things going here , I haven 't had time to post or to visit blogs . I got him back home last night . He is better , but still weak . We tried to get him out of bed this afternoon , but he was unable to stand . I 'm hoping he 'll get stronger now that he is at home . We 're having some wonderful weather . The nights are cool and perfect for sleeping with the windows open . The days have been in the upper 80s and lower 90s - perfect late summer temperatures . I would like to keep this weather year round . Maggie May and Mazie Grace have been enjoying the cooler evenings by chasing each other all over the back yard . I wish I had their energy ! I 'm off to check your blogs . Can you see Mazie Grace in this picture ? I looked all over the house for her yesterday , and finally found her in the guest room hiding in the bookcase . My cats can find some weird places to sleep . We 've had two days of wonderful rain for a total of 3 . 1 inches . We really needed the rain after our two dry months . Posted by I 'm still trying to get a good picture of the albino deer . He only comes out when it 's almost dark , and I 'm not a photographer . You can see him a bit better in this picture . I 'm sitting here - scratching . We have a path that goes through the three fields behind our house and out to the road . I told Hubby yesterday that I wanted to go for a walk through the fields , but the grass had grown up on the path and I was afraid of ticks . He got on the mower and began to cut the path . Since he was kind enough to stop what he was doing and mow the path for me . I decided that I should pick up the sticks and branches that were in the way . Somehow I cut my finger on one of the branches , so I came back to the house to wash it off and apply a bandaid . While looking at my hand , I noticed a small black speck on my thumb that was moving - a Tick ! I quickly checked my feet and legs - lots of tiny black moving specks . I was covered with ticks ! I quickly got in the shower and scrubbed and scrubbed . I got rid of most of them , but I have several bites that I 've been scratching all day . I hate those tiny ticks . They are so hard to see and they seem to attack by the hundreds . I 'm one of those people that attracts all sorts of biting insects . If there is a mosquito within a mile , it 's going to find me . All sizes of ticks will seek me out . Hubby and I can sit by the pool in the evening and the bugs will swarm around me and totally ignore him . I guess this is the price I pay for being so sweet . Yes . I do have some bug repellant . It 's sitting in the garage beside the sunscreen . I never remember to use either one . Anyone have any favorite methods for getting rid of those little ticks once they get all over you ? We started out this year with only a few hummingbirds . I put out one feeder so those that were here could eat . I didn ' 't want to attract any more , because I was afraid the cats would catch them . Surprisingly , Maggie May and Mazie Grace don 't pay any attention to them . Maybe they move too fast , or maybe they are so small it isn 't worth the effort to try to catch them . Our few have multiplied over the summer and we now have a bunch of the little birds . I love to sit and watch their antics . They can be very loud for such little things - chittering back and forth . They can also be very mean . I have a male who will not allow any other hummingbirds to get close to the feeder . He will viciously attack any that come near . When I take the feeder down to refill , they wait impatiently for me to put it back . Several will get right in my face and fuss at me if I 'm too slow . They can put on quite a show . We had a couple of good rains last week . Some areas had violent storms with lightning and wind damage . We were lucky since we didn 't get the strong winds . Our parched , brown landscape turned green and lush in a matter of days . We 've actually had grass to cut . It perked up my garden , but also made my tomatoes crack . The cucumbers are producing a second crop , but the squash are beyond hope . The heat is still with us . Both June and July were the hottest on record for this area . August is continuing the trend . We 've been spending our time either in the AC or in the pool . We have several day trips we want to take , but it 's been too hot . They will have to wait for cooler weather . I 'm still here . . . just been too busy to post . We 've been going through a spell of things breaking down or not working correctly . The DirecTV antenna malfunctioned causing Hubby to go into acute TV withdawal . We got that fixed quickly after numerous phone calls . My washer doesn 't want to drain water after the wash cycle . I 'll probably look for a new washer and dryer since the ones I have are almost 15 years old . Our bathroom sink stopper wouldn 't work - Hubby fixed that this morning . The kitchen drain at my Dad 's is stopped up - I 'm working on that by using Drano . The bathroom light at his house will not turn off and we haven 't figured out how to fix that yet . We did buy a new stove to replace the one with the oven that wouldn 't cut off . My computer has also been cranky lately and has been freezing up more than usual . I 've been wanting a new laptop that I could take out to the pool deck so I decided it was time to order one . I got a HP Pavilion dv6 - 3020 . It was delivered Saturday night . I 've been working on getting it set up . I finally got my printer to work with it just a few minutes ago . Right now I am creating my recovery discs . This laptop is so different from my desktop . It 's going to take me awhile to learn how to do things . I don 't have anyone to help me so I have to learn by trial and error ( with a lot of error ) . We had a birthday party for my Dad yesterday . He turned 96 on Saturday . We had close family for a meal followed by birthday cake . He enjoyed having everyone together and being the center of attention . I forgot to take my camera so I didn 't get any pictures . My Dad always said he planned on living to 100 - he only has four more years to go . I don 't have any excuse for not posting sooner other than nothing has been going on . It 's just been too hot to do anything - 100 Thursday , 102 yesterday , 106 today , and a forecast of the same tomorrow . Anyone who doubts that global warming exists should come spend a week in Southside Virginia . I don 't remember ever having a summer this hot . The days have been too hot to go in the pool . I had planned on swimming tonight , but I checked the water temperature and it is 88 . I don 't find water that warm to be refreshing , so I 'll stay inside in the air conditioning . We did get some rain - Hooray ! We had a nice shower last week and a brief shower earlier this week . It helped to green up the lawn . I 'm still watering the garden every day . I have some nice cherry tomatoes and every so often I 'll get a squash or cucumber . The regular tomatoes are still a disappointment - almost every one has dry rot . I got my hair cut Tuesday . I was way overdue for a cut . I had been letting it grow so I could pull it back in a ponytail when it was hot or when I went in the pool . It had gotten longer than I have ever worn my hair . She cut off 4 to 6 inches and it is still shoulder length . I can still get it in a ponytail - a short one . I 'm not very talented at fixing my hair , so I need a style that is wash and wear . So far , I 'm satisfied with this cut . Like I said - not much happening here . Posted by More pictures from our trip to Luray Caverns . More beautiful rock formations . There are giant pillars and massive and fantastic forms , many adorned with patterns . There are crystal fountains , cascades , and magical and mythical looking formations . If you look hard enough , you will find all sorts of hidden designs and forms This is called Fried Eggs . It looks like someone broke several eggs on the rock . This is a picture taken in the Cathedral which contains the Great Stalacpipe Organ . It is the world 's largest musical instrument . Stalactites covering 3 1 / 2 acres of the surrounding caverns produce tones when electronically tapped by rubber tipped mallets . You get to hear a song played on the organ , which is quite beautiful . After touring the caverns , we got a quick snack for lunch , then visited the Car and Carriage Caravan Museum . Hubby was very interested in all the old cars and carriages on display . There were cars , carriages , coaches , and costumes dating from 1725 to 1941 . Some of the highlights were a 1840 Conestoga Wagon , a 1908 Baker Electric , a 1913 Stanley Steamer , and Rudolph Valenino 's 1925 Rolls Royce . Yesterday we decided to tour Luray Caverns . They are located in the town of Luray , which is in the Shenandoah Valley in the northern part of Virginia . Both Hubby and I had visited them on school trips in elementary school , but had not been back since . I 'm glad we decided to go . It was the perfect way to spend a hot afternoon - in a cool cavern viewing some majestic rock formations . If you have never been , it is well worth your time . This is called the Double Column . It is 47 feet tall and is composed of both stalactites and stalagmites . The area it is in is called Giant 's Hall . The ceiling is over 60 feet in height . In this picture you can see some of the formations that are called totem poles . I thought they looked like carvings made in wood . If you looked closely , you could see all types of shapes in the rocks . I love these formations that look like fringe or draperies . It takes about 120 years to form one cubic inch . It 's hard to comprehend how many years it has taken for these caverns to form . There are different colors in the rock . Some are white and almost translucent and some have more of a yellow or gold cast . It depends on what impurites from the soil have seeped down . This is called Dream Lake . The bottom of the photo is a reflection in the water of the stalactites hanging from the ceiling . The water is not deep , only 18 to 20 inches at it 's deepest point . |
Memories are important to us as human beings . They help us to know where we have been , what we have done , how we have grown and changed through the years . They help us to make meaning of our lives and our relationships . They help us to know what our deeply held values are . Memories are important . Well I have lately been working on my novel ' A Love 's Light ' and it gives me such joy to write and get into the characters and the story as if its real . Since I try to make it seem real . But here is the first chapter that I thought I would share . As Emma preceded cleaning the windows , she noticed how they were filled with filth , dust and cobwebs . Emma had always hated insects and anything related to them . She found out recently that she is allergic to dust particles ; the physician , Alexander , who had been hired by Phillip and who is his esteemed friend had always sided with him . He still had given her the medication that was suppose to improve her allergies to the dust particles . Alexander had given her shots once a week , and although Alexander would have preferred giving her pills , he said it was too dangerous . Still the weekly shots didnt help her much and Emma still felt the effects of the allergies . While she washed the windows , Emma thought back to the day when she had been in the happiest moments of her life . Back with the people she loved and cared for the most , her family and closest friends . Back when she enjoyed life to its fullest . Then how her life had ended in a shattering moment and her world had suddenly turned around from wonderful to miserable . How she had been kidnapped along with another girl her age at eighteen . How the both of them had been put through the worst misery possible . All in all both of them had suffered extremely , their kidnapers had put them through such grief , misery and pain . Their freedoms had been taken away from them . Emma had thought to herself multiple times that she and Maureen could escape . Maureen was her greatest friend and had always been there for her . Emma in return tried to be just as great a friend . From the time that they had been kidnaped they had drawn immediately close . Depending on one another , not knowing what would happed or what would come of them . They also depended on the Lord . They had both been taught since they were young , to trust in Him and He would always be there . Never to doubt Him , but rely on Him as if your life depended upon it . For both of them , relying on Him , their lives depended on their faith and trust in the Lord . It had been three years since both Emma and Maureen had been taken from their homes , their freedoms non existent . They had both regretted of taking advantage of the precious freedoms that they had before . Like most in America , you don 't realize how important freedom is . Only when you lose it and then regain it will you then be able to fully know the meaning of freedom . Only for Emma and Maureen , they hadn 't experienced they hadn 't the later part , regaining that freedom . Losing it had been a nightmare for the both of them , and it was a part of their lives now and forever as far as they could tell . Emma knew that it was unlikely a knight in shining armor on a white horse would come charging his way and rescue them . Those stories belonged in fiction , this life was reality . If there ever was a way to escape it would have to be up to her and Maureen to figure out a way . Two weeks previous , Emma had accidently come across something , that was a shock but had been a miracle . She came across and secret passageway , that she was amazed to even have seen there . It seemed the Lord was still with her , watching over and answering her prayers . It seemed to be the miracle that she had been hoping for . It was her way to an escape route . She didn 't doubt the Lord this time as she had sometimes in the past , and had come to regret it . He had been there for her when she needed Him the most . Since that time she had never doubted Him , and never would . She had realized that finding this passageway was her path to finding freedom . An escape from the dragons , the evil surrounding her . Which in her mind included Phillip . The one who had stolen her from her home , taken her freedom away and had made her life miserable . She had tried not to have evil thoughts about it but it seemed near impossible . Despite the thoughts that she had for him , she knew she had to let go of those feelings and forgive him . Emma just didn 't know if she had it in her to forgive him . She knew that she need to forgive for all the things that he had done to her . In her heart she knew she could find happiness despite the pain and grief he had caused her . But most of the time she just couldn 't find it in her to be happy , but a part of her was happy despite everything . Over the past few years , many things had happened to her , including an illegitimate daughter . She knew that she had to think of her well being first and foremost . It seemed the Lord knew of her circumstances and had given her hope . She hadn 't known the feeling of hope for the longest time . Everything she did was for her daughter Alissa . Maureen at the same time had a son , Jess . Who was also a very precious child like Alissa is . The two babies got on famously , They had both been born around the same time , so Emma and Maureen had decided to nickname them the " twins " . It seemed suitable enough considering the circumstances . Emma and Maureen had both gone through so many similarities ; yet they were so different from one another . Emma had long , straight dark brown hair that went to the middle of her back . Maureen however , had mid length golden hair , that had curls that sparkled in the sun . Both were attractive , had high cheekbones that made their features seem exquisite . Their sapphire eyes sparkled whenever they were joyous . Through it all they had a friendship , a closeness , between them that could never be broken . In the past three years , they had learned seven different languages , fencing , gun shooting , and many other things that she wouldn 't think of . It seemed like yesterday to her when she was taken and not knowing what would become of her . Whether she would see the light of day , or even if she wanted to . For both Emma and Maureen it had been a nightmare . On some level they had believed that they had believed that they were the way that they were treated . On another level they believed that they were higher than that , they were woth more than to be treated that way that they were . These two depicable men who treated them as though they were as low as dirt when that was the case . The had shown their true intelligence which in Emma 's mind was close to zero or none . They had no care for anything but themselves . They didn 't care for those that they hurt or degraded . Emma and Maureen could only take it and not fight . Since they had already tried it , they only wasted their energy trying to fight them . It had proved to be fatal . So in their minds , they took themselves somewhere else , where evil didn 't abide . Where they could only exist in a beautiful place feeling peace , love and hope . A place where they could feel their worth , and how precious they were in the eyes of the Lord . The both had realized that the only way to cope with what was happening to them . There was no way of stopping it , but just learning to cope with it . No matter how difficult it may be they had to be strong , and prove that they were as strong as they thought they could be . Emma was angry with herself for getting lost in her memories trying with all her might to forget them so that she could heal the wounds that had been slashed against her . She had become distracted and noticed that hardly any work had been done at all . She had much wok to accomplish this day . She knew she couldn 't get everything done if she kept going to la la land . Phillip had gone on a business trip for two weeks , and had given Emma and Maureen a hope that they hadn 't had in years . She had been so happy and joyful at the prospect of escaping this prison of a home away from home . It was even that . She knew she had to be positive and never give up that someday she might escape this dreadful place . She was very happy that Phillip wouldn 't be around for a couple of weeks . He had been gone now for only a few days . It seemed so peaceful and quiet . It had been a while since he had gone on a trip and left both her and Maureen . Emma had so far enjoyed the precious time of peace and took advantage of it . She realized it wouldn 't last long . She would enjoy every minute to the fullest or at least try . She felt like she could go to the top of the castle and sing " Hallelujah " to the whole world . Though Phillip 's guards would have done some sort of action . They too loved the peace and quiet , except when they felt like being rowdy , then it was a whole different ball game . She then suddenly heard sounds coming from the long corridor . She faintly heard three voices talking and conversing with one another . Then she recognized one , it was Phillips . He was home , almost a week early if you give or take a few days . This was not suppose to be happening to her . For the first time in the past year , she had felt a few days of peace and quiet without any demands from him . Now she would have to deal with much more of him and his demands . She almost started to cry , no one could ever know what he had put her though . Even Maureen could never really truly know . Maureen supposed guardian was Phillip 's brother and he was a bit less demanding than Phillip . Pippin seemed to care more for Maureen than Phillip did for Emma . There was nothing romantic between them but it seemed that he was caring and respective . Emma wished that Phillip could in any way act that way toward her . To have him make her feel like she was something special . No man had done that except for her own father , older brother and cousins . She didn 't have them there for her anymore . She was all alone , there was no manly figures to help , support , aide or rescue her . She never knew what was on his mind at any time . As Emma heard their footprints draw to a close she scrubbed harder than before . Hoping that it would look like she had been working on the windows for hours . Instead of for only a few minutes . She noticed in the corner of her eye that Phillip stood in the middle of the threesome . On his left seemed to be the most gorgeous man I 've ever seen Emma thought to herself . He had light golden hair , neatly trimmed . He was tall , broad shoulders , and a build that most girls would die for in a man . He had brown eyes , that at the moment she had looked at him sparkled joy and laughter . He wore black boots , golden brown breeches , and a black belt . Accompanied with an white button up shirt . He seemed to have a confident walk about him . The way he seemed to her as she watched him in the corner of her eyes ; he seemed to not be afraid of anything and could probably intimidate her easily . The man on the right , seemed like the type of a man for Maureen . He had dark brown hair , pale azure eyes that seemed to sparkle . He had brown leather boots , black breeches , and a light tan colored button up shirt . He seemed to have the same confidence his friend seemed to have . As they drew closer , Emma felt like she wanted to disappear from the planet and remain hidden for as long as eternity . For some reason she felt intimidated by these three men . Although Phillip 's friends seemed more calm than Phillip , but they still scared her because they were friends with him . In the past all of his friends had mocked , condemned and treated her like a filthy rat . This time however they seemed more kind . In their eyes there seemed to be a light that she hadn 't seen in years . A light that she had apparently forgotten up till now . Colin seemed to enjoy his cousin , Phillip 's company . Colin had thought it was strange that his father had ordered he and his brother , Marc , to stay a month or so with their two cousins . At twenty three his parents had pressed him into courting many different women so that he could find one to marry . It annoyed him , he just hadn 't met the right girl yet . His parents for some reason couldn 't understand it . He wanted to fall in love and have the need to get married , have children , and grow old together . That was his big dream . From having hone on a mission , from all that he had learned in his life , his next step was to find the right girl . Who also had the same standards that he had . Marc didn 't seem so annoyed at the idea of getting married , he had the same dilemma , he just hadn 't found the right girl yet . Colin then noticed a woman scrubbing some windows in the grand corridor . Although it seemed to him that she wasn 't any regular servant washing the windows . There was something different about her . It was the way she carried herself , she looked as if she was calm and didn 't noticed them walking toward her . For some reason she reminded him of his two younger sisters . He felt like he should take a chance and get to know her better . He then saw a glimpse of her face and she seemed like an attractive woman . Although it seemed the closer they drew near to her , the more vigorous she became in her work . Emma tensed as she sensed them drawing closer and closer toward her . She seemed to feel fear and she didn 't really know why . Inside she guessed it was Phillip and facing him . She despised him with every bone in her body . She didn 't know someone could hate a person as much as did at this moment . It was the things that he did , the way he treated her , that made her hate seem to grow . " Emma , " Phillip bellowed behind her . Emma turned and faced him and his guests . Emma knew that he was angry with her and was going to display that anger in just a few moments . " Yes , Sir " She nodded her head respectively toward him . Then raised her head slowly and met his eyes . They were an amber color , from his normal brown color . She felt so afraid for not reason at all that she could think of at the moment . I can do this , I 'm strong enough , I am strong enough , he is only a man Emma thought to herself . She then looked at the two men and their bewildered looks of confusion spreading across their faces . AS if they didn 't know their friend at all , as if he seemed different . She couldn 't tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing . She only wished that she wasn 't here at all . All three men intimidated her , and she didn 't feel an ounce of courage swelling about her as it sometimes did . " Emma , escort my guests , which are my cousins , and take them to the blue dorm . . . " Phillip was cut off by loud footsteps and a child 's wail that grew louder and louder that it came closer toward them . All of them turned to see Maureen coming up behind Phillip , worry sketched all over her face . She then noticed Emma and skidded to a halt . She nodded quickly to the three men as if they were of no importance . Then she turned worriedly to Emma . " Yes , Maureen , what is the meaning of this ? " Phillip demanded sternly , not at all pleased with what was going on here . His face told her that he wanted an explanation immediately . Emma noticed how bewildered Maureen was to see Phillip in front of her and didn 't expect him to return for at least another week . " She is your child you know , you could also put that into consideration , " like always Emma made an outburst . Emma was furious denying the fact that Alyssa was his daughter and act as if he didn 't care . All three men turned toward her , the one to the left had a smile on his face , but the other two 's expressions were unreadable . Emma was furious with Phillip , she couldn 't believe what he had done . She supposed that he had done it because he didn 't want to look like an embarrassment to his cousins . She though that sh should 've gotten used to this , him rejecting his daughter . He was the one who had gotten her pregnant against her will . Not that she wasn 't happy with having a daughter . She had dreamed of better circumstances in which her daughter would grown and develop . With two parents , with a normal family . " She is my daughter and yours , I would think you would treat her as such , " Emma sputtered angrily . She coudn 't believe the nerve of this man . How could he do this to her ? She had hoped to leave here , where she and Alyssa would be safe from him and any others that might them harm . She would protect her daughter at all costs . No matter what happened she would defend her and die for her if necessary . There was a long breath of silence , like a dragon taking a deep breath before the plunge to kill his enemy . Emma and Maureen both feared what would happen next . Every time Emma reacted so swiftly and angry it came with a punishment . Even though she didn 't like it she had to admit it felt good to stand up for herself again . She couldn 't bear not to . In reality she was standing up for her daughter , she loved her daughter , and would do anything for her . Phillip drew back his hand and slapped Emma very hard and swiftly . It was not unexpected to Emma or Maureen . Emma just had forgotten the impact that his hand could do to her . She stumbled back a few steps and would 've fallen if Maureen hadn 't caught her and held her upright . There were many gasps , but those included were shocks of surprise from the two cousins or friends of Phillip . As if they never knew or guessed that he could even do such a thing . They both at the moment looked outraged . The one of the left especially looked downright angry , but not with her as she might have fear , but with his cousin . Colin couldn 't believe Phillip had done such a thing . How could his cousin possibly think of hitting a defenseless woman , let alone do it . He was so outraged . He felt like he should carry Emma and her child out of this place forever . He didn 't know the circumstances in which her daughter was born but he wouldn 't dare judge . Apparently his cousin could do far worse than physical slaps . " No it isnt , she belongs to me , and Maureen as well since for the moment I am her guardian . I must take care of them and this is the way I must do it . Even when a servant shows disrespect I must be firm with them as I am with Emma , " He turned toward the girls . " Are you alright ? " Maureen asked behind her ear , concerned for her friends welfare . Not knowing what to do with the two strange men in front of them . Emma gave a reassuring smile . " Come along and we 'll show you the rooms that are set up for you , " Emma replied , trying to appear normal , where inside she felt like she was shaking and couldn 't stop it . She just didn 't know what to do about it . There seemed to be something amiss here . She hoped that she would be able to find it in time . As she started walking forward she placed her free hand to the side of her cheek , which stung from Phillip 's slap . At the same time trying to hold the squirming alyssa , who was disturbed by the action that had previously taken place . She sensed the strange man , who had spoken up for her , walking beside her . While the other man walked next to Maureen . " Are you sure you 're all right ? " He asked , sounding concerned for her . She didn 't know if he was genuine or if he was an fraud putting up an act . She only nodded slightly toward him . " Of course , lead on , " gesturing forward with a wave of his hand . As they approached the blue dormitories , which were the most well furnished and well kept throughout the castle . She realized that he was for a certain reason at this moment in time . She felt like there was something amiss . She didn 't know what that was but she would figure it out . Colin didn 't know what was happening here but he would figure it out , somehow he would . When he did , then he would take Emma and her daughter Alyssa , a long way from this place . Where there would be no worries , no concerns . . He only hoped that she would except his help and let him come into her life . Maureen and Marc entered into one of the adjoining rooms , which were nicknamed the " Blue Dorms " . It was furnished with blue murals on the walls , painting of cove sunsets , the grand canyon and the Alps . There was also white curtain that lined up against the windows , that were held up by golden ropes . There was white cushioned benches lined up against the windows , where there were cushions lined up on either side . The floor seemed to be carpeted that seemed to sink in your feet . The bed was lined up against the north wall , which was right in front of you as you walked in . The large canopy bed , had a beautiful design of white and blue floral design . Many variety of pillows lined up around the head of it . It appeared that once you would lay into it , you would sink into it . There were a few chairs , with cushions lined up in various places in the room . The fireplace seemed to be white marble , with a blue tinted marble mantle , with roses placed up on top of it , with various colors . It scented of cinnamon , which reminded Marc of home . He had already missed it and he didn 't know what to do about it . He suspected that he would be staying here for a month or so . The only thing he would think he missed here would be Maureen . She seemed like an intriguing woman , he felt like he should het to know her better , so that he could assist he and her friend out . He just didn 't know how to go about it . " This is magnificent , " Marc exclaimed as though he were out of breath . He looked as though he were out of breath . He looked around him and he couldn 't explain but it was so incredible . His younger sisters would think this was heaven . His mother , if she was here , would never leave . Of course the colors were more masculine however he knew she would be jealous of it though . He had to be thankful though that his mother hadn 't come along with him and Colin . It would have been a disaster , since this was obviously a suite for men . So if this suite was designed for women it would have been much more beautiful . " Well , it seems that you things haven 't been unpacked yet and while your getting acquainted with your room , and I need to stay busy , " She paused for a moment to pick up one of his luggage bags " By the way which was one of Phillip 's instructions for me to do . Before I go and assist in the dinner preparations . So I guess I better get started since dinner wont be starting for a couple of hours yet , so where do you want these ? " She asked holding up a pile of shirts that had been stuffed in his suitcase . Obviously he had done that which was her guess . She realized she had been folding them up while talking , which was more like running on and on . Like she usually did , when she became nervous , nervous enough that she could have an emotional breakdown . " Maureen , I don 't want you to unpack my things , " he cut off when he saw her placing his things neatly in the cherry oak dresser for him . He couldn 't think straight , he wanted to talk to her , not be ignored . But he wanted her to be willing to talk to him . So he would have to make her willing enough to listen to him , and answer all of his questions clearly . " Helping the guests of Phillip to get settled , I do this all the time . Although it is unusual , Phillip will usually set up a valet for you . Which he should be here tomorrow morning for you . So I guess you 're stuck with me for the rest of the day , " As she continued unpacking his things , he started smiling . This girl was outrageous . He could totally notice when a girl was nervous , and this girl must have an epidemic or something . She was running crazy with nervousness . He just didn 't know what to do with her . Women seemed to be such a mystery to him , and this woman was definitely a mystery to him . " I 'd like for you to go sit on one fo the benches next to the windows , pick any one you want , you might want to get comfortable though . We might be here for awhile , " He ended with a smile . Then just stood there with his arms crossed across his muscled chest . She turned around and moved to sit on one of the window seat benches , and sat down carefully . She felt her heart pounding and her breathing sharpening , not knowing what to expect from this man . For he wasn 't like the others , something was different about him and she couldn 't pinpoint it . He then walked over and sat down next to her , relaxing carefully against the window and the pillows behind him . " I wish that somehow that we had met under different circumstances , but we didn 't . I also know that we hardly know each other , but I need some answers to some questions that I have . What I want is the truth , I know that no matter what happens from her on out ; you need to know that I will be here for you and feel free to tell me anything . I suspect that there is something amiss here and I would like to know what that is , " he waited a long moment he didn 't know how she would react . All he felt was that he needed some answers and she was the only one that could give them . He knew that in his heart she would reach to him he could see it in her eyes . The pain , grief and misery was there . He knew that in some way that he could reach to her . " What exactly would you like to know ? " Maureen asked , looking into his eyes intently for the first time . She didn 't feel anxious or nervous around him anymore . She seemed to feel calm , cook , and collective . She knew that she could face anything now , even the truth . What am I going to do , I hardly know the guy , except that I just met him . I just need to think clearly is all . Yeah right ! " Well , is there a reason why you should like to know an answer to all of your questions . I mean , not every guy that come here as a guest of Phillip questions his actions . Its not shall we say , normal . What I really mean is why the concern ? " " Well , when you put it that way I guess that 's a good enough question , " he paused and directed a smile toward her . " No , I think its kinda strange that he never even mentioned you , and yet it seems like you are a part of each others ' lives . I also would like to think that he would treat you better . The way he acted before just didn 't seem like him , its as if I didn 't really know him at all , " Maureen was silent for a long moment before she turned toward the window , and sighed . She then turned back to Marc , and was willing to explain everything to him . This was a good enough time as any . " Well then I guess I will get started then , " she took a deep breath , she could do this she told herself . She didn 't know where she would get the strength but she would somehow . She said a small prayer in her heart . Suddenly she felt a boost of confidence rise within her . She knew where it came from and she never would forget it . " Well , it all started , " Maureen began " when I had turned eighteen , I lived in the states , in Utah specifically . I had everything going for me , especially in high school . I had a whole crowd of friends , although I never really dated much . I planned on attending BYU with a psychologist degree . I had plans to also go on a mission as well for my church . I had always tried to do the right thing . Anyway , one night I was home alone watching a movie , I heard the back door open and I thought it was my younger brother coming back from his friends house , " Maureen felt tears begin to form as she though about her family and how she missed them . She turned toward the window and let the tears run down her cheeks " Well , it seems I was wrong , three men in black suits and masks took me away and to auction , which is how I ended up here . Thankfully I wasn 't alone in this nightmare , I had company . Emma , was in the same situation as I was . So we became fast friends . Although she had it way worse than I ever did . Phillip has been so cruel to her over the years . Pepin had never treated so bad , I will admit it was pretty terrible over the past few years but it was never as bad as Emma 's situation had been . They both really worked us really hard and then about a year ago we both found out we were pregnant at the same time . Its hasn 't been easy but with Emma here and she always seemed to be so strong and capable . I also am grateful to have Michael in my life . He has brought such joy into my life , " Maureen paused for a moment , to catch her breath . She felt like even though she explained most of it she needed to explain a bit more of it to him . He seemed to care for her even though she hadn 't known him for a day even . Apparently he must have been raised different than Phillip or Pepin . He was different in the way he treated her , which was something she hadn 't seen in a long time . She looked at him and noticed he was still gazing out the window . The sun was starting to set and in a few hours it would be time for supper . She didn 't know what would happen around that time . She didn 't know what Marc 's reaction would be or if he would even believe her . What was her word against family ? She also wondered whether or not Emma would tell Colin . It was very doubtful considering how stubborn she could be at times . Emma had certainly suffered a lot more than she had . She realized that Emma always seemed to be in control of every situation and it was as if she was guarding her heart so she couldn 't feel the pain . She had a feeling that Colin would help her see the light and help her feel again . " There is only one problem , my son will never have a father . This was no way I had ever imagined motherhood . When I was younger I thought that I would fall in love , get married and have a family and grow old with my husband . That dream will never come true at \ least not for me or Emma . Since Pepin left about a month ago to visit friends , Phillip has been my guardian for a time . I could hardly stand it , he is much crueler than I had ever imagined . I still don 't know how Emma lived with him for three years , and to have been so strong and firm . I also know that she is just trying to be strong for me , always been that way since I have known her . Almost a year ago we tried to escape , but the day we were about to escape we found out we were pregnant and that certainly had changed our plans . We knew that we could never put our children in danger . So we had to stay here , in order to keep them safe . We hope that maybe we can send them away from here , so that they can have a normal life . To know what it was like to belong to a family . I figure thats why Phillip wants to choose our spouses for us . It hardly seems fair , but that 's the way it has always been with him . He is a dictator and makes our decisions for us . Decided what we can and cannot do . All our freedoms were taken away , " Maureen stopped and realized that she had said enough . She turned to look at him and noticed that he had turned from the window . She could tell he was having a hard time adjusting to the truth about his cousins . When Maureen didn 't know what else to say , she started to rise from the bench seat . She knew she needed to help in the preparations for supper . She felt a warm hand grasp her arm . She looked into his eyes , and she saw a pleading look in his eyes that made her sit down again . Marc felt his heart tearing at this news . He never thought that his cousin could do such horrible things to these two women . Who had been completely innocent and had done nothing to deserve this . If his mother were here he would ask for her advise . But he knew he had to make a decision . All he could think of now was what Maureen had been put through . Maureen was muddling through her thoughts when she was suddenly pulled into his embrace . His arms encircling around her , making her feel safe and secure . She hadn 't felt such comfort for the longest time . She didn 't know what to do especially since it had been years since she had felt this way . It was a wonderful feel and she was going to take advantage of it . All she wanted to do was think about this moment and how right it felt . " Look , " Mark Started , pulling away from her , holding both her hands in his " I didn 't even know that my cousins could possible be capable of something as cruel as what has happened to you . I can promise you though , it shall never happen again , " Maureen was unsure if she could even believe him . She knew that good things just never last , no matter how much hope you have . She knew that Phillip was stronger than Marc is . " How can you be so sure , after all you will probably be here only a couple of weeks and then how will you be able to stop him . There might be a day when I won 't have to worry about what he will do to us . A day when I will be able to get out of here , and to be able to put my son through school , but that day is not today . I don 't have any idea when that day will come , if it ever does , " Maureen felt tears come to her eyes , feeling her emotions getting the best of her , she looked into his eyes " I know that it must have been a while since you have last seen your cousins , I don 't know how they were when you knew them . They aren 't the same as they were back then . You have to understand something , that this situation can 't be easy for you but you need to accept it . Emma and I are used to their treatment of us , just as you will have to . " Maureen couldn 't think of anything else to say to him , he was acting so protective of her . It felt so right to her , but knew that it could never last . Nothing this good and right lasted very long . She would just have to savor the moment and would cherish it for the rest of her life . " Listen to me , " Marc started firmly " I 'm going to stay here as long as I possibly can , I will not leave without you , " Maureen couldn 't believe her ears . He must have no sense to think he can go against Phillip and Pepin and get away with it she thought to herself . She started to say something and shaking her head . " Listen to me , and listen good , " Marc said " If I have to hogtie you and carry you out of here then by all that I hold dear I will . You deserve so much more than what my cousins have given you . Your son deserves better , you need to start thinking about your future and acting on it . You have me now and there is nothing that will stop me from giving it to you if it 's in my power . " Marc finished firmly and knowing that she would start objecting he silenced her lips with a kiss when a bell chime rang thrice . The room was large and spacious , with leaded glass windows , that has a perfect view of the lake below them . It was blue with many different painting , and a painted mural on one of the four bedroom walls . It was a painting of a sunset that was breathtaking . There was white silk curtains hanging from a rod right up in front of the window . There was blue ropes that pulled back the curtains so a guest could see the view . There was a large tall golden framed mirror . The canopy bed was large and was toward the back of the room . It has some light on the light blue silken drapes hanging above it , so that when you lay asleep at night if afforded you privacy . It also was accompanied with pillows which were assumed to be used for decoration . Colin didn 't know what to think of it , the room was so incredible . He didn 't realize that his cousins had this much money . To think that he was going to spend the next month in this place was amazing to him . Most of all he couldn 't wait to spend more time with Emma and her adorable baby girl . She was an amazing woman , even though she didn 't realize it . He could only imagine what she must of suffered under Philips hand . He noticed that Emma was having a difficult time attempting to calm down Alissa . She must have been the cutest baby he had ever seen . With dark brown curly hair and the largest brown eyes . Emma sure did good with this one Colin thought to himself . After a few moments , Emma had managed to calm Alissa down . He didn 't know what was going on between Phillip and Emma , but Colin was determined to find out . Phillip was way different than what he remembered . Phillip had been the most popular boy in school , all the girls wanted to be around him . He was one of the most social guys in school . Who made friends with everyone , and with whom everyone wanted to be his friend . He never realized that Phillip had a dark side . He wondered when that had happened . As far as he knew that must have happened in college . Some influences in college aren 't always the greatest , and somehow had been influenced greatly by them . Colin didn 't know how to react to Phillip 's behavior . " Where do you want your things ? " he was brought out of his thoughts , he seemed dazed . He had lost track of the time and thinking too hard . He had mixed emotions about everything it seemed . " Yes Emma , " He paused for a moment then continue " What is the matter ? " Seeming concerned , Emma knew that it was an act though . It ran in the family apparently . " Oh is that how you view this situation , let me tell you what I really think . I think that he sucks for a boss , a boss who treats his employees like dirt . You could always quit if you wanted to , " " Yes , like always , I 'll see you downstairs in the main hall for supper , " she said as she picked Alissa up from the bed and fled the room . She shut the door as loudly as possible without anyone expecting something was wrong . Hmm … that should teach him to mind his manners she thought . Self - esteem goes to the very heart of our personal growth and accomplishment . It is the glue that holds together our self - reliance , our self - control , our self - approval or disapproval and keeps all self - defense mechanisms secure . It is a protection against excessive self - deception , self - distrust , self - reproach , and plain old - fashioned selfishness . " - James E Faust Imagine what would happen in this Church if every morning six million of us got on our knees and asked our Father who He needed us to reach out to that day . And Then imagine if we did it ! Imagine if we consecrated our energy and focused en masse to the greatest service of all - leading our brothers and sisters to Christ . Imagine what will happen when we mobilize the sisters of Relief Society to stand together to help build the kingdom . We will see the awakening and arising of a sleeping , slouching giant . I invite you to stand tall , to thrust your sickle and join in this work with vigor . I invite you to rededicate your life to building the kingdom . To reach out to someone . To make a difference in someone 's life spiritually . None of us have to reach everyone . But what if we ALL Reached someone ? |
Author : MyLittleBird123 Discovering Your Family Lineage June 23 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment When you read my first book A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir you will discover that Sy , my then husband and I took our daughters to many different places in an effort to help our two families blend into one family by building new common history . So when it came time to babysit the grandchildren the pattern was already established and we took Andrew and his sister Nicole to many different places . Andrew had a love of history and Nicole a love of art so we tried to alternate our adventures so that each child would have a chance to experience the things that stirred each of their hearts . town not too distant from the town in which I grew up , and investigate to see what we could learn . This of course was a trip for Andrew . We wound up investigating the family burial plot of Ralph Waldo Emerson . The children wandered around looking at the various family headstones and Nicole suddenly called out , " Gramma , wasn 't your grandmother named Mary Moody ? " I did go and look and there was the name but it couldn 't be my grandmother because the dates were off . Some other person investigating the gravesite overheard us and said , " Maybe you should go to the Emerson House and take the tour . They could probably explain if there is a connection . " Now the children were ready for a treasure hunt . We went to the Emerson Memorial House and took the tour . There was an historical guide explaining and pointing out important features of the house . At one point Andrew got close to the docent and said , " I think we may be related to Mr . Emerson . " The docent replied that he couldn 't help us with that but there was a family tree in the gift shop that we could buy and the person there might be able to help us with our investigation . We bought the family tree and still were having trouble when the shopkeeper came and asked if she could help . We told her that we had found a Mary Moody in the family burial plot but the dates were wrong . She said , " Well Mary Moody , the aunt of Ralph Waldo , had a great uncle Joseph Moody , a minister and he was known as Handkerchief Moody . " I nearly gasped , because I had been brought up hearing all about Handkerchief Moody , and that we were directly related to him . Past Life Informs Present Relationships June 15 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment As a therapist who writes about psychological issues I have to make the decision : do I use client material or talk about my family members to illustrate issues . Since most clients come because they have been badly hurt one way or another in their families of origin I would be violating and re - wounding them to use their experiences . So … my grown children graciously have allowed me to use some of their material to illustrate concepts from time to time . You may or may not know that the girls ' names have been changed in my book The Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir . This gives each daughter a little privacy . In years past I trained with Roger Woolger , a certified Jungian analyst , to do past life therapy . He has become an authority in this form of past life regression work . I did not finish the training because he believed that the way to free a person from the strangulation of past life energy was to have the client relive the trauma and release that captured energy by fighting , screaming , cursing , beating something - whatever it took to release the charge . I have a hard time forcing someone to re - experience that kind of pain and so I backed away , but during the training I was required to do a lot of regressions with my fellow students . The upshot is I have experienced lives with all of my children including the adopted daughter and my step - children . Most amazing and informative ! Let me share at least one of these stories . These stories have helped me better understand why my children respond to me in the ways that they do . Remember , I said at the start of this blog that past life informs present relationships . The past life story scene opens with me as a very young wife standing at the door of a hallway and I am about to hand a bowl of hot soup to Whitley Dresser , the man who was our psychic reader in the book store , Merlin Books , that we owned in this present lifetime . In the story he was old and cranky and miserable to live with . He took the bowl of soup , and as it was too hot for him , he threw it in my face . I was hurt and outraged . When I could get away , I went to see my father who had arranged this marriage to this much older man . I told him how cruel my husband was and that I wanted to leave and come home . Life was terrible . He soothed me as best he could but told me to stay , that the old man would not live too much longer and then I would be financially well off . I grudgingly did what my father insisted I do . Sure enough , death came after not too long a time and I was free and well to do . There was a young lawyer whom I had seen driving a single horse drawn cabriolet down our street in Paris , France and I loved the way he handled his horse and the gleam of his shiny black carriage . Soon we happened to meet and eventually married . The lawyer was Sy Kessler in this life . It was a rewarding life and we had a daughter and a son . Our time together was peaceful . As the children grew older I had less responsibility and so I began to write . I was rather good at writing and began to have my material published in the manner of the day , under a pseudonym name . I joined other writers and became enthralled with the accolades and the attention . Something made me think that I would have more exposure in England and so I left Sy and my home in France and went to England to pursue my career . My daughter ( Elizabeth in this life ) denounced me for leaving her father and I never saw her again after I left France . The son ( Felicia in this life ) was a bit more forgiving and would come once and again to see me in England . I actually did not fare well in England and died alone in a garret room of tuberculosis . I never saw Sy or Elizabeth again in that life . Now the connections : When Whitely Dresser came to ask me for a job at Merlin Books I rejected him almost immediately . It was only after I could not get the man out of my head , something about him was familiar , that I asked him back to do a psychic reading for me . And as I say in the book , A Bird and the Dragon , he became the backbone of our store . Positive payback ? ! ! In this life , when I asked Elizabeth 's father , the Rev . Harvard Lesser , for a divorce she simply turned away from me . As a child she was very close and in the book I refer to her as my apron strings child . This was crushing for me and doing this regression helped me better understand . She also in this life grew to be close to Sy and when he died she was tied up at work , did come to the memorial service , but skipped the casting of his ashes because she wanted to remember him as he was . Passion in Marriage June 8 , 2017June 8 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ 2 Comments Part of the job of a writer , especially of a self - published book , is to get the word out to the public . That involves passive advertising like my writing a blog each week about people or events that relate back to my first book , The Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir . The other effort needed is to do public speaking . I 'm doing an Author Talk Monday evening , June 12 , 2017 , 6 : 30 p . m . , at the Waterford Public Library , on Rt . 156 , 49 Rope Ferry Road , in Waterford , CT . Those of you living in the eastern half of Connecticut know where I will be and hopefully my other readers will get the gist of that talk with the story in this blog . The title of my talk is " Sweethearts Forever . " Now , forever is a long time and those of you who are married are saying good luck with that topic ! But what I want to bring to your attention is that there is passion in a first or second meeting . And when you are in your teens and early twenties , that passion is about sex and physical connection . As we age we begin to recognize that there is an emotional passion , and for some a spiritual passion . Believe me , emotional and spiritual passion lasts the longest - maybe forever . When you are young and first in love you can hardly keep your hands off of each other . As we mellow we begin to recognize the comfort and lasting connection in a knowing glance given by a loving partner from across the room . For my talk I had overlarge bookmarks made to help me get my point across to my audiences . It consists of a star of sorts and words . I showed it to Annie , our youngest daughter when she was here to get her opinion . She approved and we went on to other things . I wanted to show her one of the uses for the card and then I couldn 't find it . She asked , " What are you looking for , The Love Star ? " I hadn 't given the bookmark a name but she was exactly right . It is a Love Star . This is what I 'm calling emotional passion . There are certain traits that involved individuals need to have for sexual passion to move to emotional passion . That is what I plan to talk about on Monday evening . Oh , and by the way , any and all of you are invited to come . my husband Sy and me , I 'm going to talk here about the relationship between my grandparents . I 've talked about my grandmother , Mary Emma so this is a peek into her more private life . I 've had my house up for sale for two years now and with it not selling I began to realize for some reason my God wants me here , so I 've been unpacking the books I 'd cleared out of the living room in an effort to make the room less " dark and cluttered . " As I put books back on the bookshelves I found my grandmother 's book , Mary Emma of the Square House . I think I 've mentioned before in my blog that my grandmother wrote a book about her life and when she sent it off to a publisher he sent it back saying the language was too old fashioned for him to risk publishing the book . She put it away and it saw no light until my cousin and his wife came across the manuscript . My grandmother 's middle son then stepped forward and encouraged the couple to edit the manuscript and he would help them financially to have it published . That was done and now each of her descendants has the story of Mary Emma 's life to hold in their hands and hearts . " It was not a case of love at first sight . I knew nothing of the fine old family behind him , and saw only an unusually tall , blond and somewhat self - conscious youth . I think he was attracted by my ability to read and recite , rather than by myself . He paid me some slight attention and I was unimpressed . " Farther on my grandmother states , " I am sure I was not in love in a romantic sense . I simply liked him . I think he felt much the same toward me . We preferred each other 's company … . One day he asked me to marry him ; it was the thought of a home that won . I told him I would marry him if the time ever came that he could provide a home . … that night , I took the little gold pen that had been his last Christmas gift and wrote , " Mary Gould Moody . " I did not like the addition to my name , and I comforted myself before I slept with the thought that he never would be able to provide a home . … . I was wrong . " " The next night I sent again for the doctor … " He { meaning Charles } had been anxious about himself all this afternoon , " I said . " Of course he had not reason to be . " " I cannot go over that dreadful day of March 17 , 1910 . He fought with everything he had but my Charlie went to his rest before it closed . The heart had failed to take the strain . " I hope that you can hear through Mary Emma 's words how their relationship moved over the years from the passion of youth , or apparent lack thereof , to the emotional passion of mid - life . I grew up knowing my grandfather Charlie , because my grandmother 's love for him extended past the fact that my mother never laid eyes on her father , with his passing before she was born . And so I come back to my Love Star . The two most important things in that star are the Respect at the top of the star and Time at the bottom of the star . My grandparents had great respect for each other and I hope you can hear it through her limited words , here . Time can be seen in many ways . I am meaning in my talk , the time to devote to each other . This couple devoted time to each other around caring for and raising their children . Their life was really hard which you would learn if you had access to the book but they never blamed one another or belittle one another . They were honest and kind to one another . Those are the next two qualities on the Love Star that are essential to a lasting emotionally passionate relationship . Love is Not Enough ! June 2 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment If you have been through a divorce or , worse , have lost a beloved spouse to death , you feel emotionally very shaky about your worth and your ability to move forward in the world . Then , miracle of miracles , you meet someone special and the two of you hit it off very well . You seem to have a lot in common ; you value many of the same things and as the relationship develops you find you can learn to like the things that are different about the two of you . He likes baseball : you 'd rather stay home and read a book but the two of you find a way to compromise on these issues . This person seems like a perfect mate to help you raise your children . Your mother always told you to pick someone with common interests ! ! Next , we bring the children together and they are tense at first but then they seem to find common ground and you think , ' the expression that love is enough , seems to be true . ' That is until the wedding bells have rung and we all now live in the same house . So often a couple is so smitten with each other that they turn a blind eye to the tensions growing between the children . He says , " Give them time . They 'll figure it out . " So you look away and the troubles in the house grow larger . No ! They won 't figure it out because the children have never been in this situation where they now have to share their parent with someone else as well as share them with other children . ( There could have been a second parent in the previous household but if it is a divorce these parents were not on equal ground and the children know this . With a death it is a bit different . ) And you thought sibling rivalry was bad in your own first little family ! ! Children have to see the parents setting the path of communication , acceptance ( and that is acceptance of the other person 's children ) , patience , and basically what you do in these relational situations . And then we come to that ugly word : structure . Yes , children need structure ; sometimes only so that they have something to rail against , but it truly does make them feel safer . It is hard on you to hold the line but you must do that if you want well - functioning adults to come out of this combined household . The greater world doesn 't give in to temper tantrums . building a common history . My husband Sy and I did many activities with our children to help start this process of common history . One event that didn 't make it into my first book , A Bird and the Dragon , Their Love Story : A Memoir is ' bacon in the back seat . ' I believe it was the Memorial Day weekend and Sy and I had decided we would take the girls on a picnic . We had found a state park with a pond , picnic area , and space to play games if they so desired . With girls of their ages they wanted to lie in the sun and stock the boys - from the safety of their beach blankets . I got it into my head that one of the items on the picnic list was scallops wrapped in bacon . The girls had loved them when I had done them once at home so I started out to make these delicacies while Sy got stuck rounding up much of the rest of the picnic and the paraphernalia . And of course the bacon didn 't want to stay wrapped on the scallops and the scallops all wanted to cook at different speeds and it was becoming long and not so successful . We finally got everything loaded into the red Chevrolet cargo van along with all the girls in bathing suits , with towels and extra clothes . As we drove toward the park the sky was getting darker and darker . I 'm beating myself up inside because my need for perfection had set us behind by a good bit . Just as we pulled into the parking lot the sky opened up and it poured rain . You could hear the outraged disappointment from the back of the van . " We 're going to have to turn around and go home ! " one girl said . Then I heard , " We drove all this way to go swimming and now we can 't ! Some picnic ! ! " Someone else said my exact thoughts , " What was all the bother for ? The picnic is ruined . " And then my Beloved said , " What do you mean the picnic is spoiled ? I 'm not turning around and driving home ! " I looked at him in surprise because he often wanted things to go " right . " And he said back to my glance , " We 're going to spread out the blanket in the back of the van , open the back doors so you can hang your feet out into the rain , and lay out our picnic there on the blanket . " their bare feet wet and when they tired of that they curled up on the seats and told ghost stories , and gossiped and I was amazed . They needed structure : the picnic . Then they needed to see that a picnic could be done in a different way . And lastly they needed to see that the parents didn 't blame each other but came up with an alternative plan . There was no " drama ! " Just good clean fun ! ! Yes structure , acceptance , and flexibility - you can survive a blended family . Grief : However it Comes May 25 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment The title of my book A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir almost tells you that there is going to be an ending in the story . And what I tried to focus on as I wrote was the little things that happened between my husband Sy and me as well as events around us that created our Love Story . Some of it has to do with the character of the people involved but much of it is just the nitty - gritty of two people living with five daughters all champing at the bit to be grown up and doing life their way . Then we come to the end of the story and yet the story goes on in a different time and space . I don 't have to tell you that a sudden unexpected death was like some great force had taken my beautiful rug , called home , and torn it out from under me . An incident that you will read about in Sissy 's Story : Inside a Child 's Long Term Illness tells of me at the age of six having to go to the big city every three months to be checked over and to have blood drawn to ensure the doctors that I was indeed recovering from the Rheumatic Fever . This particular time the doctor was to A Doctor with a Syringe draw the blood and when he inserted the needle he caught the vein in my arm crosswise and the pain was excruciating and yet I didn 't cry . He pulled the needle back , apologized profusely , and tried again . By this time my arm was burning and aching . But I didn 't cry . Afterwards everyone told me how brave I was and I think that imprinted me with the message that I shouldn 't cry no matter how bad the pain . As a therapist I know otherwise but sometimes those old childhood lessons are stronger . So I didn 't cry much when Sy died . I anguished inside and then set to work trying to put my world back into some order . The fact that I wasn 't able to cry and flush my emotional system has driven a lot of that heart pain into my body , so that I 'm in pain most days . For about four months after he died I didn 't feel him anywhere around me . It was just a void ; but then gradually I started to talk to his picture on the night stand beside where I sleep . I 'd cry some but then move on to an accounting of the day 's events just as we used to talk at coffee time . One night when Annie , our youngest daughter was staying over with me to get me back " in order " and sleeping in the guest room , she called to me . " Are you talking to Dad ? " And she responded , " I thought so because he hasn 't blinked my light , tonight . " ( I knew she was referring to the fact that both my mother and Sy , who have passed over , will blink a light in my house whenever they want us to know that they have come for a visit . And they don 't use the same lights ! I believe I 've talked about this phenomenon in an earlier blog . ) Each day was filled with the have - to - does , groceries , meals , laundry , letters , and you name it . The pain in my mid - section didn 't go away and I questioned most everything I was doing or was going to have to do : Thanksgiving , first Christmas in a new home , dessert hour for my new neighbors , my daughter 's second wedding , the sources of money , the getting his will probated and the list goes on . By the time I 'd gotten almost to that first year anniversary of his death I think the numbness was wearing off and the depression was coming . That 's why I started to write the book , to give me company in the old memories and to give Robbie , the youngest grandson , a grandfather he could hold onto as an adult . Actually it has given all of my children and grandchildren back their father and grandfather . Felicia , next to the youngest daughter , said to me yesterday , " Yeah , I 've been reading the book , a little at a time , and it is so good to have Sy back even if it is only for a moment . " But with all of these efforts and the struggles to get the book published and out to the public the pain had moved to the heart and was a low muddy river riding along at the bottom of my heart . I 've thought about , I 've even written about , what would happen to that heart if someone else should step into my life and I knew that the river would continue to flow , maybe a brook , but still there . I 'm not one to take medication unless it is absolutely necessary and so I assumed that this would be the condition for the rest of my life . promotional material from a Bill Harris , founder of Centerpointe , in Oregon , offering me a chance to listen to his musical CD 's that were programmed to create new pathways in the brain and gradually help me to change my behaviors that were not really working well . In a sense his CD 's help the right and left hemisphere of the brain to begin talking back and forth . He promised all sorts of changes and like always I said " Yeah , Right ! ! " But I signed up for his first set of CD 's and started listening . About three weeks into doing this daily routine I was putzing around the house doing my chores and I thought , " The pain in my heart ; where is it ? The pain has gone ! ! " And then I did another " Yeah ! Right ! Let 's wait until tomorrow . " And I checked in the next day and it was gone . Small wonder ! Then I had the fear that I was going to forget Sy but that has not proven to be the case . Apparently my brain has recognized that grieving endlessly even if I 'm doing it silently isn 't helping me . And I 'm the one that is still alive and here on earth wrestling with the everyday . So I might as well begin to have fun with my situation . I 'm sharing this with you because you have to know that all of us grieve differently . There is sometimes a song , or a picture or a place or one of my children saying to me " Wear it well , " when I have bought a new piece of clothing , and I hear Sy 's voice and have to fight back the tears - just for a moment . Some people cry and moan , some get sick , some get angry at everyone most especially themselves ; and those of you that are surrounding this person or are there yourself need to remember we all grieve differently and in our own time . I shared my experience with a girlfriend last week who lost her husband a few years before me and she looked at me and said . " Well , it 's been almost four years for you , and the pain should be easing up . " I didn 't know there was a timeline and I really feel that the Holosync CD 's have played a large part in the change . Bless the creator of this material . Prebirth Imprints Set Core Beliefs May 18 , 2017May 18 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ 4 Comments If you have read my first book A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir you have stumbled across the fact that I was afraid of a lot of things through the story . First I was afraid that Sy , my second husband might be as difficult as my first husband , Harvard Lesser . Then I was afraid that I wouldn 't be able to raise these five girls that were to become our blended family . I was afraid that I wouldn 't be accepted for my first counseling job at the counseling center in Medfield , CT . , and so it goes . I took a little quiz that came across my computer a few days ago and at the end I was told that I had been " imprinted with fear " when I was a child , and if I took this woman 's workshop I would be able to rid myself of that imprint . Unfortunately her workshop runs at the same time I have to be writing this blog to get it to you on time this week . So instead of being upset that I couldn 't attend I began to think about where could this fear imprint have come from ? I am also a therapist , as is the teacher of the workshop , so I started rummaging around in my bag of goodies . Out popped my grandmother , Mary Emma Moody . Okay , so how is she involved in this imprinting ? Back when Grandmother was carrying my mother Jordan Elizabeth Moody she was living on a dirt farm in Colorado with a husband that was just recovering from tuberculosis . They had five children and Mary Emma was pregnant with the sixth child , Jordan . My grandfather Charles Moody died of pneumonia five months before my mother was born , leaving Mary Emma to raise five children and a new baby on a scratch - dirt farm , alone . Can you imagine the grief and then the fear this woman must have suffered as she carried my mother : how to feed six children on a dirt - farm , how to survive without a husband , where would any money for food and seed come from , who would provide the labor for the farm ? The list is endless . And I know from my counseling training that whatever the mother is feeling and thinking most of the time as she carries a child is absorbed by the fetus . up her children after a year or so and brought them East where she could live with a brother until she could find housing . My grandmother took in laundry for a living and set up a laundry in the basement of the home she rented . This woman had to have been exhausted most of the time when my mother was growing up . So if my mother had any fears she wasn 't free to share them because her mother was too tired to be a support . My mother has told me that my grandmother held all the children very close to her because of fears that the boys would stray in a city environment and get into trouble . So now you are seeing a history of hard work and fear . As things evolved I turned out okay but with my own issues to conquer . You can see clearly that there is indeed an imprint of fear in my life . So my job moving forward is finding ways to understand this imprint and to challenge myself to move beyond those fears . I can tell you about one activity to take me out of my comfort zone and that is the public speaking I must do to promote my book . So if you want to help me with this ' fear imprint ' please find organizations who would like to hear me speak on some of the things I know about relationships , loving , accepting other people 's children , and building a blended family . Maybe together , we 'll help me get rid of this imprint ! P . S . My grandfather Charlie Moody called my grandmother May instead of the Mary so this is where I got half of my name . If you look at the picture of my grandmother and then of me you can see I was meant to carry her name . When the Wheels Come Off the Wagon May 13 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment Those who have read my book A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir have already met and seen pictures of my mother Jordan Elizabeth Sanderson . But in this blog I 'd like to take you from the woman pictured in the book to the woman who passed away at ninety - eight years old . Some of this may sound sacrilegious and I hope I can present this without that happening . Many of you may have taken care of an aging parent or spouse and perhaps my stories will help you . My mother spent her last seven years in our home with my husband , Sy and me , along with our grandchildren , in the apartment above us or at our dinner table . Looking back , I have to admire her fortitude to move from the town she had known since she was a new bride at eighteen to our town where she was not free to explore because she had already given up her car . Once she had moved in with us , one of my first vivid memories is of her standing beside me in my kitchen saying , " What can I do to help ? " The question was simple but not so the answer . My mother had essential tremor in her later years and it was worse when she was stressed . ( Yes , living in my house with me could create a bit of stress . ) Mother was also a little stooped in posture at this point . Not thinking , I responded , " Well , Mom , you could help me by peeling and cutting up these vegetables for supper . " I set about putting a cutting board at the table , my style of peeler , which she had never used before , along with my best paring knife , a dish for the vegetables , and I pulled up a chair . She stood looking at the set - up and then she said , " I can 't do that , " and she walked away . I was livid . She asked to help . She knew how to fix vegetables . She 'd done it all of my life . What was her problem ? ! ! She went back to her room and I did the vegetables and fumed . I never asked her to cut vegetables again . By the next day I had figured out that she was used to standing to work but because she was stooped I assumed it would be easier for her to sit . She 'd never done it that way and didn 't have the language any longer to tell me that . She was also afraid that she would cut herself when she was not in her accustomed position for doing the task . But again , either she hadn 't figured out why she couldn 't cut vegetables and then told me , or she couldn 't find the words . Both things happen to a person as they age . And on my side I assumed rather than asking , because I remembered a vital woman who cooked every day ! afternoon on her bed and my sister had been at the house helping me go through my mother 's clothes and weeding many of them out to be given to family members and Good Will . I knew this was painful for my mother to watch since she loved her clothes - one of her few indulgences . The next day I was doing the job alone . My mother was again resting on her bed and I took an armful of clothes out to the other room . As I hung them up I heard this horrible thud and rushed back to the bedroom . My mother was on the floor beside her bed . I asked if she was alright and she said that she thought she was fine . I asked if she could get back up onto the bed . She could and as she sat there I checked her for any bruising . I didn 't ask what happened because it was late in the afternoon and I knew she would not be as cognizant then as she would be next morning . So , next morning when she had had her breakfast , was washed - up , dressed and had made her bed , I went into her room and knelt down in front of where she was sitting . " Mom , what happened yesterday when you fell off the bed ? " She looked at me for half a minute trying to recall and then she said , " Well , I was out riding on this horse and I don 't know what happened but something must have spooked him . He rose up on his hind legs and threw me right off . I landed with a horrible thud but nothing seemed to be broken . So there you have it . That 's what happened ! " It was all I could do not to giggle . I started to correct her and then I realized that maybe she had been dreaming when she fell and that 's where the story came from , or maybe she just made it up on the spot . It didn 't matter . It was her story ! ! And I expect it diverted her from the pain of seeing her beloved clothes leaving her closet . The next incident happened much closer to the end of her stay with us . Mother had been with us for about five years and I don 't remember her ever mentioning my father during that time . Everyone in their community called him Fred but she called him Freddie ; the name she knew when she was a girl of twelve visiting on his parent 's farm . In my house with Sy , her bedroom was right off the living room . Mother was sitting on the couch in the living room and it was beginning to get late . I said , " Mom , it 's time for you to be getting ready for bed . " I was taken aback since she 'd been going from where she sat to her bedroom for years . " Your bedroom is right here , Mom . " I pointed her in the right direction . My wheels spun and I said , " Yes , he does . He knows you are here . " ( He 'd been dead for some twenty - five years . ) The last incident was close to the end . We were having a conversation about something - I don 't remember now - and suddenly what came out of my mother 's mouth was all gobbledygook . She looked at me a bit bewildered and tried to say her thought again . This time it still came out so garbled there were no words . She looked frightened . " Mom , look at me . The wheels are coming off the wagon ! " For a moment her face was blank and then she broke into peals of laughter . " You 're right , " she said . " The wheels are coming off my wagon ! " The Pecking Order Matters May 5 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment As you read my first book , A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir you are quickly introduced to our family of five daughters . I 've had the opportunity to observe closely their developing personalities in terms of their psychology and how that shapes how they put their experiences to use in their adult lives . Then you add thirty years in " the chair " and after a while you begin to see patterns in family relationships and how those patterns influence one 's adult behavior . I 've told you before that the hearts on the tree on the cover of my book represent each daughter , so as you read my stories associate them with one of the hearts : Cora is green , May is red , Elizabeth is blue , Felicia is yellow , and Annie is lavender / pink . Cora [ Green ] is the oldest in both the original family and in the family that my husband Sy and I created with our marriage . As the oldest she strives to make sure she is doing what she believes we parents want her to accomplish . She pushes herself hard and she expects the younger siblings to follow her lead . Leadership is usually associated with the oldest child . They are trying to please those neophyte parents . The upshot is the younger children often find that oldest child to be bossy and know - it - all , while the oldest child feels they are responsible for the younger ones or sometimes for everything . In their adult life they may be controlling because they have already cut the path for others and wonder why the others don 't want to follow , such as a husband . They get angry when the husband bucks them . After all they KNOW how it should be done . May [ Red ] was the oldest child in the original family with me and so she carries some of the attributes of the oldest child such as being a ground breaker and cutting a path , but then in the family created by Sy and I she is the second child who either tries harder to achieve than the first or doesn 't try at all because it 's been done before . May also has the added burden of being next to the youngest in her biological family . [ She had the opportunity to meet her biological mother and some of her siblings and half siblings a few years ago . ] The upshot for May is that she doesn 't have a clear picture of what role she should play in life and therefore how she should relate to people in her adult life . She vacillates from knowing - it - all to being helpless and believing she can 't solve her problems . Elizabeth [ Blue ] is the second child in her original family and the third in the family that Sy and I created . She also carries some of the biological first child characteristics because biologically she is the first child - May was adopted and although she was a family member before Elizabeth arrived , the DNA seems to override here . Elizabeth is the problem solver and has that know - it - all quality because she is the first to push through the womb . At the same time you sometimes see her retreat within the family to the position of the forgotten middle child . I feel her loneliness in that position because during some of my childhood I was that middle child . She expects men to understand her and then she retreats so they can 't find her . Felicia [ Yellow ] was the third child in her original family and as such was the baby . In the family that Sy and I created she is next to the youngest child . So she has those qualities of waiting to be told what to do as the younger or baby seems to demonstrate , while she can lord it over the next child down because she is not the baby in the blended family . A child in this position will vacillate from some of the qualities of the oldest ; built - in leadership and then helpless to solve a problem because someone else always solved it for you . Annie [ Lavender / Pink ] was the youngest child both in her family of origin and in the family Sy and I created . She is the ' darling ' and uses that at the same time she feels that she is not respected for what she knows because the others always seem to have learned it first . I can relate to these feelings too , because for nine years I also was the youngest in my family of origin . Annie strives hard to show that she is intelligent , can problem solve , and is of value . What is seen for both Annie and Felicia is there is a tendency to ask permission to do things in their marital family because that was their role in their blended family . What happens when as an adult you ask permission to do something of your spouse , the partner assumes the role of the parent and okays or denies your request as your parents did . This reinforces the feelings of not having your own authority or not being good enough , left over from childhood . If you want more information about this Parent / Adult / Child behavior pattern go to my website and click on the Tidbits access . This will take you to the index of articles and around February 15 , 2017 I did the Tidbit Column on " Parent , Adult , Child ! " Happy reading ! The Aha Moment April 28 , 2017 ~ MyLittleBird123 ~ Leave a comment Much of my first book , A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir is about the adventures of raising five preteen and teenage daughters . And there were so many nicks and crannies we could have fallen into but I think we missed most of them . It was either that or there was enough of a glow between us that it shut out our awareness of some of the crannies . We all moved into the Ugly Green House , which you saw in last week 's blog , a week before my second husband , Sy and I said our marriage vows to one another . We were wise and set things up so that I had the girls during the February school vacation with our wedding coming at the end on Saturday . My mother had their care during the next week when the girls would be back in school and we would be on our honeymoon . Sy , I , and the girls had spent many of the preceding weekends at my home in Grows Town so my being with the girls while Sy was at work seemed like a great way to start our time together . By Wednesday of that week , I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and cried hysterically because I could not manage the monsters that were swarming around outside my door . Sweet , loving , cooperative girls : I 'm not sure where they had flown to but they weren 't in my house ! I , of course , had forgotten that they were just as excited and afraid as I , of what this marriage might bring to all of us . Now let 's fast forward a bit : the girls had ended high school , moved on to college of some sort or beyond , and the new lovers had entered the picture . Men always seem to complicate things for us women . But the thing that touched me was that as each of the girls got close to closing in on a lifetime partner they came to me and asked , " How did you know that Daddy / Sy was right for you ? " I first tried , " You just know ! " And then I said , " Well , ask yourself , could you live the rest of your life happily without this person ? " But in retrospect I remember that I also looked for the Aha Moment . Sy and I hadn 't married yet and he asked me to come with him to his " Dog 's Night Out " dinner group which I mentioned in A Bird and the Dragon . I met many of the men that he worked with and their wives . I didn 't die in the process and some of my shyness eased . By the second invitation I was interested in going . When we stepped into the room everyone yelled Surprise ! and Sy got that funny smirk on his face as he leaned into me and said , " I didn 't know for sure but this appears to be our wedding shower . " The food was good , the laughter fun , and then it came to the gifts . As Sy handed me the second gift I got a little shiver , but hardly noticed it , and started to wrestle with the paper and the box . Sy took ahold of the box for me and I pulled out a brown wooden curved mantle clock . I had to fight back the tears because it was a duplicate of the clock that sat on the mantle for all of my days in my childhood home . I had fond memories of watching my father reset it every time we moved into daylight savings time and back . He 'd stand by the mantle waiting patiently for all the chimes to ring before he moved the hands to the next position . In that instant I got that Aha shimmer . This is the right man for my life . God or my guides are reassuring me . The next Aha Moment came when I took Sy home to meet my mother . This story is also in A Bird and the Dragon . After lunch my mother was doing her cross examination and discovered that Sy was born on the same date as her mother , Mary Emma Gould Moody , whom you have met before in my blogs . [ In the above picture Mary Emma , my Grandmother is in the center . My mother Jordan Elizabeth is standing behind her mother 's right shoulder , Ralph Moody , the author you have heard about before , behind my mother , and their siblings to left and right . ] Mary Emma was very much the head of our extended family . And the fact that Sy 's birthday was the same as her birthday gave him an open door into the family . I 'm only sorry that my grandmother was no longer alive to meet Sy in person . But I know that by now she knows him well , on the other side of the veil . Having the same birthdays was another Aha Moment for me . The third Aha Moment came months after I 'd married Sy and I had driven into Nerme to do my grocery shopping . I was pushing my cart up one of the isles and saw this woman with light red hair standing contemplating something on one of the shelves . She moved her hand up to her face and in that instant I thought , ' I know that gesture , that face . ' But I couldn 't pull up where I had seen this before . Curious , I wheeled my cart around to the other side of that display and then back up toward Toddler Birdie Sanderson [ author ] JessieMay Kesslerthe woman . As I got even with her she turned and said , " Birdie , is that you ? " [ I was nick - named ' my little bird ' by my grandmother as a toddler and the Birdie , which I hated , remained with me up until I went to school . ] I countered with , " Betty , is that you ? " It was indeed Betty . Betty Graves had an older brother and sister that ran with my older brother and sister in high school in the little nowhere town where we all grew up in Massachusetts . [ I 've called it Sharkerton in my books . ] Not only did Betty 's siblings know my siblings , Betty was my 4 - H Club leader when I was eleven and twelve and she was sixteen and seventeen . We chatted and caught up on life events until we got to the fact that she was now the wife of the minister in the Nerme church that Sy , I , and the girls were about to check out as our new church . This was a very large Aha Moment ! How in the world did God ever pull this one off ? Assurance in spades to the fact that Sy and I were meant to be together . Some teachers in the metaphysical world teach that there is a feeling associated with these kinds of events which I call the Aha Moment . Other teachers say that you actually get a shiver or see a shimmer of light when an event like the ones I 've shared , happen to you . Whichever way you receive your information , your mind , heart , or soul are getting confirmation on some issue . Have any of you out there experience something like I 've presented here when you were dating , or courting , or on some other quest ? Tell me ! Tell me ! In case you haven 't guessed by now , I love stories ! My chain of events that fit this concept started back when I was married the first time to Rev . Harvard Lesser . If you have read my book A Bird and the Dragon : Their Love Story : A Memoir you know that I married a minister right out of college and within a year or so of being his wife we began to try to have children . If you 've read one of my previous blogs about keeping my butterfly you know that having children didn 't start out so well . But that is not where this blog is headed . Harvard and I , along with however many children were with us at the time , would head off to visit my mother in Massachusetts . Sometimes we went because she was lonely or I was , or because it was Thanksgiving which was her big holiday . Many times as we made the turn off of Route 32 heading north to later connect with Route 12 , I would look at the large house on the corner of that intersection and think to myself , ' I wonder who lives there ? I wonder what they do and what they are like . That house looks so homey to me . ' I never happened to share my thoughts with Harvard because he wasn 't into that sort of day dreaming stuff . Now hold that thought for further along in this story . Later , in the marriage to Harvard , he was having a hard time with the church in Grows Town where he was serving as the youth minister and eventually he was given a choice , which ultimately resulted in his leaving the ministry for a while . He went into a deep depression and was virtually a house zombie for most of that winter . The following spring I was out and about doing errands when I ran into this gentleman who wanted to sell me World Book Encyclopedias and I turned him down . But when he asked if I knew of anyone who might want a job selling encyclopedias I answered , " Yes . " I told him about Harvard , that he had worked as a minister but was now taking some time away . It wasn 't too much later when this same gentleman showed up at our door and began a cold sell to see if he could enlist Harvard to become a salesman for the company . Ultimately , Harvard joined the company and sold World Book Encyclopedias for several years . Now , Harvard 's temperament was generally fairly even , although he was talkative , except during those times when someone had made him very upset and he would have ( as I 've called it before ) a hissy - fit . So this particular evening when he got home from selling I was surprised at how quiet he was and noted his spirit seemed down . " Harvard , is there something wrong ? " I asked . He dodged my question at first but then he came out with it . " Well , I 'd gotten a teacher from the school where this couple have their children and I enlisted her to get us in the door . It is a technique that we use all the time . When the wife discovered that I was there to sell World Book instead of talking about one of their children she went ballistic . As her husband came back from the kitchen with a glass of water for me , he quickly understood what was going on and insisted that we leave . " Now we move several years forward in the story . I 've met Sy in the divorce group and we have begun to date and share stories from our pasts . My children , who of course are going back and forth to visit with their father , Harvard , were busy filling him in on all the details of their mother 's new romance . One day as he returned my girls from their visit he asked if I had a moment to talk and I invited him into the kitchen . He said , " I was wondering , does your new boyfriend live in Nerme in a big blue house sort of set on a hill with a swing set off to the left of the house ? No longer being as compassionate towards Harvard as I was before , I responded with , " Isn 't that amazing ! What a small world ! " I 'm not sure my comment gave Harvard what he wanted , but his information certainly surprised me . [ The first waltz in my recognition that Sy and I were together because of God 's timing , not ours . ] Later , as Sy and I shared more of our history I discovered that while I was a new bride in the old farmhouse parsonage of Harvard 's first parish , Sy was newly returned from serving his country and was going on the GI bill to college at University of CT . The parsonage sat high on the hill above Route 32 and Sy was driving up and down Route 32 almost daily from the lower end of Connecticut to the college . When he first told me I said , " Why didn 't you wave when you went by ? " and he replied , " You didn 't tell me you were up there waiting for me ! " [ Waltz two in our dance on God 's time . ] Okay , now to the house on the corner . In A Bird and the Dragon I talk about trying to find someone to care for our girls while we take a mini vacation to go introduce Sy to my sister PollyAnne and her family in central Vermont . We had a lot of trouble finding someone who would babysit the girls on a Halloween weekend . Finally , Sy 's in - laws , Bootsie and Joe , said they could take the girls . The car was packed , the girls were loaded in and we are driving along Route 32 heading north . As we made the turn in the road that Harvard and I always took going to my mother 's , Sy waved his hand in the direction of my day - dream house and said , " Bootsie and Joe moved not too long ago but they used to live in that big house right on the corner . " I think my mouth fell open at that point and all I could say was , " I 've always loved that house ! " [ Waltz three in God 's timing . ] Have you ever had these kinds of experiences with someone close to you ? It really makes me believe that there is a plan to our lives which is ever unfolding and it is up to us to figure out and do our part to bring it to fruition , even if we don 't understand the plan . I 'd like to hear about your stories of finding your intimate connections to important people in your lives . P . S . The featured image as my Topper is looking across the Nashoba River Valley from east to west . And if you look very closely there is a perpendicular white spec about a fourth of the way from the right of the picture . That is the water tower that provided the water for the boys at the Industrial School for Boys , in Shirley ( Shakerton ) Massachusetts and was just above my parent 's retirement home . The Industrial School has been leveled and in it 's place is a maximum security prison , which was on the news last night ( April 19 , 2017 ) because of the suicide of a famous inmate , Aaron Hernandez . |
I am so excited . The dean had emailed me today about the results of my petition , and she said that it went through and that I should be able to . I am so excited right now ! I was worried because my GPA did not really hit their minimum . I was super sad because studying abroad has been a longtime dream for me . Heck , it was the first information session I went as a freshman . I was super pumped , but I had gotten discouraged when the woman said that if you were premed , you would be in the worst situation . But I am just so excited for it that none of this really matters for me currently . I just want to go and travel ! I love to travel , so yes , I want to go ! Now all I have to do is finish the college application . Hopefully they let me in . I am so motivated . I hardly got any sleep last week ( which is probably why I woke up so late for classes today . I should not have gotten out Saturday night . . though it was a great time ! Okay , I digress ) . I was working on everything studying abroad , which is why I am so happy that everything went through ! I would have actually cried if everything did not go as planned . I felt and heard a bubble of silence around me . It was like everytime that someone passed me down this path , no one said anything . Maybe because it was out of pity , maybe it was out of guilt , maybe it was out of sympathy , empathy ? Whatever it was , I felt it . People turned their eyes to the ground . Others looked at me with sad eyes . Some people gave a sad smile as if they had heard that I had lost someone , like I had lost something . I wasn 't a big fan of the silence . It made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin . It was as if looking at my skin color was an automatic indication that I was not with Trump . On the contrary , there were definitely a handful of people my color who sided with him ( only God knows why , but they did ) . Of course , I could not bring myself to support the guy because he conflicted with too many of the values that I held true and dear to me . The night before , my dorm held a viewing party to watch the election . The entire main lounge was full of people . I was coming in and out of the room because I had homework , but it seemed like I couldn 't even focus on it . I didn 't get any studying done , because I was so distracted by it . Every time that I heard yelling or shouting come from the lounge , I would run to see what had happened . I also saw that people were also doing the same thing as me . I just kept popping in and out . I was suppose to be studying for a Biochem quiz for the next morning , but I couldn 't . It didn 't work . And meanwhile , my roommate was asleep during the ENTIRE thing . As in , she went to bed at 6pm and slept throughout the night . She got up at around 11 : 30 just to see results , and then she went straight back to bed . It was as if it didn 't really matter to her . She seemed unbothered by it . I don 't believe she even voted because she never got the absentee ballot in the mail . I saw the main room . They were worried . They looked stressed . I remember when I first came into the room and saw that the votes were 120 - 97 . I was utterly confused . I was wondering who were these people who were voting for him ? How could so many people agree with his policies ? With his ideas , his plots ? I was scared , because I really couldn 't imagine a future with him as president . I , on the other hand , went to the main lounge only to see that the entire room had cleared out . Everyone went home . It was at that moment that I was scared . No one was rejoicing , no one was even watching the elections anymore . Something had gone wrong . This couldn 't be . There was no way . The polls leading up to this day told me otherwise . All news stations were pretty confident that Hillary would have an easy win . There was no way that this man who was the laughing stock of the US , not to mention the world , was about to be president . I sat down on the blue couch on the side with my Biochem study guide in hand . Anderson Cooper and some other guy with a beard and glasses were talking about the election and they were giving us updates . 5 minutes later , I hear a woman on the screen say that there has been some breaking news … It was at that moment that the whole room went silent for a second . Even the news anchors kind of went silent for a slight second . It was shock . It was finality . It was unbelievable . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing , what I was watching . My eyes stared in horror . Some people in the room started crying , shaking their heads . Someone yelled at the screen , " Bullsh * t ! " Other people stormed out of the room . I was still sitting there motionless , my mouth wide open in shock . I cried for all those people who looked to America for hope . I cried for religious freedom . I cried for same - sex marriage . I cried for peace . I cried for safety . I cried for the undocumented . I cried for the children . I cried for families , even my own . I cried for my parents ' efforts for a better future . I cried for my mom who received her first taste of freedom when voting for the first time . I cried for the future generations . Hell , I cried until I forgot what I was crying about . I felt like I had just lost all hope for humanity in that one instance . I couldn 't take it anymore . I couldn 't feel anything . I felt numb for a second . I felt vulnerable . I felt like I had let my entire family down . I felt lonely , hopeless , drained , stressed , tired , sick , angry … That 's why after the results came out , I wanted to see his reaction . I wanted to feel justified in my feelings towards these results . I wanted to know that I wasn 't the only one who felt something . Anything . I believe it was how he kind of stumbled through his words while talking to the other anchors ( who seemed perfectly okay with it , I might add ) . Though he was wearing glasses , he just seemed kind of shocked . His eyes were kind of squinted , as if searching for words or trying to wrap his head around what had just happened . He wasn 't standing still like he usually did . He was swaying , he was talking alot with his hands . It was comforting though to see how my university dealt with the matter . When I say that this thing affected my entire school … I wasn 't kidding . The response was somewhat overwhelming . It was as if we had all lost something in this election and professors were completely understanding . So many people received extensions on papers , postponing of assignments , no deductions on participation if they were absent , it was very heart - warming . And some professors called in sick and said that class was cancelled . It was almost like there was no class that day because my classes were pretty empty as well . In my Biochem class , the entire first row was empty . I had a quiz that morning , but I missed it because I could hardly wake up on time . I was outside of the room along with many others who decided not to take the quiz , and there was a guy talking to his friend , saying how badly the results were . He was cursing and yelling , getting emotional , and it just seemed okay with everyone around him because we all felt that way . We all understood him . When I entered , even my professor was a little shocked to not see me sitting in the front row as I usually do . I had never missed a quiz in his class . He seemed a little sad , and I felt his eyes on me for a second . And then the class started . Obviously it was really quiet . A single tear rolled down my cheek while sitting there . In the middle of lecture . And then another . I had to quickly get myself together because , I mean hellooo , I was sitting in the front row ! And I was the only one in the front row ! I didn 't want anyone commenting on me getting emotional . I didn 't want the pity or anyone looking at me with those sad eyes . I managed to get through that lecture , not retaining a word of what he said , and I went to my physics class . In there , it was also quiet . Many people hadn 't shown up for class . During that class , I knew that Clinton would be talking , so I sat in the back and opened my laptop to watch her speech . Normally , the professor would 've told me to put the laptop away , but I guess today he just knew that no one was in the mood , so he didn 't say anything . I watched the speech , and it was a sad one . Hillary was wearing purple along with her husband . She had walked out , and it was not very evident , but her eyes were somewhat red . But she still looked great . She was smiling and bowing her head at all the claps and cheers given to her . She kept clearing her throat to hold back tears . I really congratulated her on how strong she was . I wouldn 't have been able to do what she did and still does . I skipped my physics lab because I just couldn 't handle it right now . I wasn 't mentally there . My mind kept going back to the election with every situation . So I sat in the biology office and did my physics homework due that day . It should 've only taken me an hour , but it instead took 4 hours . Part of it was that I was with a friend who definitely wanted to talk about the election , so we kept talking about it while working . People would come in and we would talk to them about it . So yea , it just became more of conversation than actual work . There was someone who I had not spoken to since last year . We were not on good terms . She came into the office and I easily went back to physics while she was talking to my friend . So she came in , and I was surprised that she was even talking to someone next to me given that she never wanted to even be in the same vicinity as me . When she left , she said " Bye you guys . " I couldn 't tell if she was talking to me because we hadn 't talked in months and there were other people in the room . So I didn 't say anything , but maybe I should have . She came in again later , but I still couldn 't make eye contact with her . I couldn 't even talk to her . I couldn 't tell if she wanted to . Maybe due to this situation , it made it okay for us to talk , but I just couldn 't bring myself to talk to her . Plus , I was scared that things would just go back to the way they were after all of this kind of calmed down . So I said nothing . I worked on physics , and acted like she wasn 't really there . That night , I had a Nicaragua trip meeting , and even the coordinator said that she had skipped her workday today because she couldn 't handle it . She made us go around the room and kind of say how we were feeling . It felt comforting to know that not one person in the room felt okay , and it was okay . Right after the meeting , there was a debriefing facilitated by a group on campus . Soo many people showed up that they had an overflow room . It was just a time to talk about how we were feeling and initiate dialogue in groups . My group talked about how we weren 't comfortable with the idea of so many people agreeing with many of the things that Trump said . We wondered what went wrong , gave possible explanations , talked about how this affected us directly and why we were bothered by the idea of his as president . We talked about how college campuses tended to be more Democratic and why that was . A guy talked about how most of his family was Trump supporters , and how he felt distant from his family . I talked about how a friend had told me that on the night of the election , when Trump has won , he had heard cheering down his hall . When he went to see what was going on , they yelled at him " Border control ! Border control ! Go back to your home ! " Everyone was shocked that this blatant racism was already starting . We also addressed how we felt a little weary about friends who voted for Trump because it felt like they did not respect them as a person . After the talks ( which were super comforting I might add ) , my vice president talked to us . It was at that moment that I realized that even the people in high power such as him were not okay with this . He knew that there was a problem . If he knew there was a problem , then there were many others who were not okay with this . After that debriefing , there was another debriefing in my dorm lounge . People talked about how they felt , and how they were dealing . Even religion came into it . Many people believed that these were the final days , but they also felt like some religious people were giving up . While some felt like God had deserted them , others felt like God was teaching America a lesson . One thing I really took away was that though the times looked bleak , we needed to stay optimistic and stay encouraged . It is definitely hard right now , but somehow it will get better . This is just the beginning . She talked about how the way she dealt with troubles was by assuming the worst . She said that she knew that things get bad and she knew that Trump would win , though not by as big of a margin as he did . But she accepted the fact that life is bad , the world is evil , and that 's just the way it was . One girl blatantly said that she did not agree with her and that it was not the way we should look at life . Of course , my roommate tried to justify herself many many times , but it wasn 't working , it only made matters worse . It came to a point where someone else had to interject and say that people deal with things differently and that we needed to recognize it . After leaving the room , many people were talking about her , and for a good reason I guess . They were going off saying that this girl needed to nkow when she was wrong , and that it was not okay to feel the way she did . Some didn 't know that I was her roommate , so when I said that , they looked at me with shocked eyes and they said , " I 'm sooo sorry . " I was just like … yea I know . Even my RA was in there and said , " Now y ' all see what I have to deal with " and she even looked at me and was like , " She knows what I 'm talking about . " I laughed , but I knew that she was right , and it felt good knowing that people didn 't think I was just crazy when I talked about just how much I had to go through in the room . And mind you , she was yelling and cursing and going down the halls on the phone , so you could tell that she wanted to be heard by everyone . She even left our room door open . And this was 9 : 30am , when some were still asleep . Well , she came back to the room and … needless to say , someone was not happy about this . On the other side , I could hear a girl yelling in the bathroom to someone in the bathroom with her , saying that " This girl needs to realize when she is wrong and that she needs to calm down . She should know that everything that she was saying was wrong . " I went to go and fill my water bottle to hear a little bit of the convo . The last thing she said was , " You need to tell that girl to check herself . " That 's when I realized that she was talking to my RA who also lived in the same suite as us . I walked into the room , and well it was a little awkward . I mean we already don 't talk , but still … I was confident in the fact that America was smart , that they were accepting , respectful of other cultures , of other people . I was confident that atleast more than half of the population was in favor of peace , of unity . I was confident that Americans would make the right decision and vote not only for themselves , but for this country 's future . I was confident that people would not vote to condone more violence , murder , racism , dehumanization , rape , injustice , As for the emails … no politician is perfect . In fact , a majority of the tactics used in politics involve pulling strings here and there , calling up the people that you know to help you get to high places , and this idea of justifying acts using utilitarianism where things that may be unlawful and unjust are done for the greater benefit and the common good . Every politician has done it , but since she 's in the limelight , of course the media will exploit this to no end . It hurts to feel like my vote did not matter . This was my first time voting ( yes , that may give you a small indication as to where I fall in age ) , and I was excited . No , I was ecstatic . I couldn 't believe that I would be able to do such a thing as an American citizen . This is something that my ancestors could not even imagine me doing . My mom also voted for the first time . She was so happy . She texted me saying that she went to the voting booth and casted her vote in . That same day , I decided that I needed to cast my vote in quickly . 11 , 000 votes for Harambe ? ? That 's equivalent to a medium - sized college all wasting their vote away ! I was horrified , and am still in shock at the fact that people could waste votes on that while there are people in America who still do not even have that right . I also am surprised at the huge discrepancy between poll results and the results given throughout this election by newpapers and articles . Being in such a position to swindle the decisions of voters should not be taken lightly . Thoughout this election , people thought that Hillary would win . Hell , I became soo confident in my thoughts that I almost didn 't vote thinking that my vote wouldn 't matter America tends to hold this strong egocentric idea . When I say ' egocentric ' , I mean the thought of America and only America , the idea of only taking care of their own and no one else . If you ask many Trump supporters why they voted for Trump , they will possibly tell you statements along the lines of , " I want my America back , the way I remember it , " " My life won 't change significantly , but I want the government to be about the people instead of themselves , " " I don 't want another Clinton in the White House . It will give our government a bad rep , " " I don 't want to lose my job to immigrants , " " I want to feel safe , " " I don 't want the US to be in such a huge deficit anymore , " " I don 't like Obamacare . I don 't have to use it , but it was a failure , " " He knows how to make deals that will make America great again , " " I completely hate Trump , but I want conservative laws , " " I want the American dream , and that 's what I 'm getting with Trump " … We have wayy too much power in our hands just to only think about ourselves . The rest of the world is depending on us for almost every aspect of life . We are suppose to be the most - advanced people in the world , yet we are failing at even choosing the right leader . I have two friends studying abroad in France , and when they heard about the elections , they were as shocked as everyone else . The next day , French journalists stopped them and came up to them , asking them about the election : what were their thoughts ? How did they feel about it ? ( Sorry of the grammar for this entry is wonky . I was watching Batman Begins and wasn 't really paying special attention to what I was writing . Hopefully I made some sort of sense and you got the gist of everything I had wanted to say ) For the first weekend that I was there , it actually didn 't start very well . I woke up to news that Christina Grimmie had died . Christina Grimmie , a huge person who I had loved , had been shot at her concert in Orlando by some crazed fan . Her brother , after realizing that the guy had shot , tackled the guy to the ground . I imagined the emotions that were running through him at that time . He just lost his sister with one shot , and he witnessed it . Of course he would tackle the guy to the ground . Hell , he would have killed the guy right then and there . What a crazy time for the family , and for the world in general . She had such a huge impact on people . She was the reason why my sister got into piano , and that 's big because my sister was obsessed with piano for the longest time . I wondered where the sudden passion came from , but it all made sense now . And now , she 's crazy good at it . All because of Christina . It 's crazy because Christina was a person who my middle sister had been super obsessed with . She had an amazing voice with killer piano skills . She was even on the Voice and was ridiculously amazing . She made it to the final round and won 2nd place in the entire competition . But Adam Levine completely loved her . I thought he would marry her if he wasn 't already involved with that Victoria 's Secret model . But he did decide to pay for all the funeral charges and helped out with the family as much as he could . I told both my sisters and they were pretty sad about it . I told my mom about it and she was a little indifferent about it . Obviously , she was sad that she had died , but she had no idea who she was . That 's when I realized just how much social media affected my generation . Life just wasn 't fair . She was becoming huge in music . She had worked so hard putting out Youtube videos and getting her name out there . And finally while having a gig in Orlando , she was signing autographs . She was becoming famous , and then this happened . She was beautiful . She had an amazing voice . She loved God . And she was only 22 … That 's just crazy how life happens . During the first weekend that I was there , we all took a whole bunch of cars and went to this creek where they had a swing rope and a cliff that people could jump off of . I was a little nervous because … well . . I don 't have the prettiest legs ( I have these 2 scars on my knees due to childhood . I 'm not taking back my childhood , but I just wish I was less of a tomboy ) , so I thought I would be judged by them . It turns out that people do not judge you as much as you think . We walked through the creek , and I felt like I would slip on the rocks . They all were covered with algae and mold maybe ? It felt weird and I hoped that I would not get any foot disease or anything . As we kept walking , we finally found the big cliff , and there were already a good amount of people there from around town . It seemed like a very common hangout spot , and it was pretty cool . We quickly took off our clothes and kept our bathing suits on . The rocks kind of hurt my feet , so I balanced myself on the large rocks . I sat on them to release some of the pressure on my feet . It felt so relaxing to be sitting in the water listening to the children who were in the water and watching people jump off the cliffs and all of that . I eventually mustered up enough courage to try the swing rope . When I was finally up there with the rope in hand and I looked at how high I was above the water , that 's when I thought about it again and I really asked myself , " Are you sure ? Do you really wanna do this ? " Kids were behind me waiting for their turns , and they looked kind of impatient at the fact that I was standing there for so long , so I needed to make a decision quick . I decided to just go for it . I believe my last thought that really made me do it was , " When will I get this chance again ? You mind as well try it once . " I also thought that kids were able to do this , so why couldn 't I ? I did it , and boy , that thing was actually hard to do . The hardest part was keeping myself up . I needed to work on my upper body strength … While going through the air , I felt my knees skid across the water as I tried to keep myself up . It was pretty tough , but I tried it again , and this time I kept myself up a little more . It worked for a little , but when I landed in the water , my butt hit the water first and kind of left it sore . Obviously the kids were much better at it than I was , but I thought that they had it easier because they didn 't weight as much . It was okay though , because that summer I went to the gym every single day ( they had a crazy nice gym facility since sports is huge for them , and it was right across the street from where I stayed for the summer . It was the biggest gym I had ever been to , and it was the nicest . Everything was new . And it was 3 stories . How crazy ) . Just they wait … my upper body strength would be amazing by the end of the summer . After swimming , we went to Olive Garden to eat . It was okay for a little bit . I mean helloo … . Olive Garden was ( still is ) my favorite restaurant . The food was nice , and everyone sitting around me was cool … to some extent . But it was annoying to see that part of the table ( and we had a pretty long table ) seemed to want to be more mannered and more … boujie than the other side . The other side was more talkative and laughed much louder than the other . The side that I was on just kept doing side looks to the other side and kept quiet . I hated it . But it 's my favorite restaurant . When it was time to leave , there was a bit of a mix up with the receipts and stuff like that . In the end , about 2 people had their orders paid for and another 2 people got free desserts . Olive Garden lost alot in profit that day … And let me just say … it was so beautiful . The bridge lights up at night and they have rainbow lights on it . There were violinist on the sides of the bridge asking for money . There was a girl who was singing , and her voice was amazing . And she seemed only 13 years old max , but her voice was like a 30 - year - old . Her mom was on the side supporting her along with her younger brother . There was a little boy breakdancing on the ground . He seemed to have maybe a huge tumor growing around his mouth . His face seemed double the size as it should be . Maybe he was raising money for the surgery … Some of us gave money but I didn 't have any cash on me . I felt kind of bad because I felt a divide between our group , kinda the same divide I felt back in Olive Garden . A group of us were walking a little more ahead than the group behind . I wasn 't sure what had happened , because I felt like we had not known each other enough to have any sort of beef between each other . I had told my friend ( his name begins with a C last name W , so I 'll call him CW ) about the divide that I was feeling , and he noticed it and thought it was really weird to have some kind of beef like that between each other . We were all trying to be Doctors and Dentists , so why couldn 't we just come together ? 1 . I have a final in about an hour , and I 'm already sitting in the auditorium . ( Why would a school decide to put a final on a Sunday anyways ? ) I don 't really know what the professor wants from us given that he didn 't really lecture to us about the information . 6 . The information needed for the summer program that I 'm doing was turned in late , so they might kick me out of the program . It turns out that everything was sent home , but they all said that they never saw it . 10 . I don 't know if I will be able to take this makeup exam on Tuesday morning for my other class . I really hope so , because I might cry tonight . 14 . At the same time , my friend says that he thinks that we are not spending enough time together ( I don 't think he understands my life at all , because he 's demanding more than I can give . He knew how busy I was from the beginning , so I don 't really understand what he wants . ) But today , I had to call my dad about financial aid matters , and then , as usual , we diverged to other topics usually related to school . He would talk about his friend who has a daughter in Brown and she decided to pursue her Master 's after graduation . I talked about how I was still looking for summer storage and I was debating on whether I should stay this summer or stay at home . Then it got to the topic about college and if I was on track . I reminded him that my birthday was in two weeks , and he was surprised at how fast time had flown . He talked about how he had finished school at a much later age . Then he really thought about and wondered why he had finished so late . I told him that maybe education was started much later in Nigeria . He said that that wasn 't it . It was then that I had a lightbulb moment . I told myself that I would ask him about it , but I completely forgot until he mentioned it . Wow , would you look at that ? So for my genocide paper , I had wondered if Nigeria had ever experienced a genocide , and it turned out that they did have a civil war / genocide called the Biafran War between 1967 and 1970 . about 2 million Igbos were killed during this time ( and my family is from the Igbo tribe ) . I looked at the places that this had affected , and it affected the exact places of where my parents were from . I was super intrigued and wondered why my parents had not mentioned anything about it . There was a civil war brought about by religion in that Christian Igbos in southern Nigeria were trying to secede from the republic of Nigeria ( which had been established on October 1st , 1960 ) which was majorly Muslim , and they were trying to make their own state called Biafra . The war was brought about my government officials ( who were all Muslim ) who didn 't support this event . As a result , the Biafran war began . The Head of State , who was an Igbo man , was killed , which is one of the events that helped to start the war . He said how his family eventually relocated out of the area ( about 3 hours out ) and into the village where trees would hide them . I asked him if he had witnessed or heard anything . He said that he could feel the bombs hitting the grounds , and he could hear the airplanes flying over and dropping bombs on public areas such as schools and churches . Then , after every bomb the military soldiers on the ground would come and catch and kill the people who would survive the blasts . He talked about how times were so hard while in hiding . He had to fetch water with the elder women from a stream that was 5 miles away at about 5 in the morning . Usually a girl would have done it , but his mother bore no daughters , only 7 sons . As a result , since he was one of the younger kids , he had to do it . He talked about how the whole year after the civil war was over , military men came to every door , searched the houses , and collected all guns and weapons from everyone . His father had a gun that he hid in the kitchen , but he had forgotten that there was a bullet somewhere in the house . When the military approached and searched their house , they found the bullet and interrogated his father about where he was hiding the gun . His father tried to lie and say that he may have sold the gun or something , but then the military men pulled out their gun and hit his father with it . That was when his father had to pull out the gun from its hiding place and hand it over to them . I was completely shocked by this . My father had witnessed this along with his brothers and his mother . They had done this when everyone was home , and everyone had thought that the war was over . According to my dad , there were still plenty of killings going on and it was still unsafe to leave your house at night . He said how during this time , no school was in session . Everyone was in hiding with their families . As a result , he didn 't attend school until the 3 years of war were over . Unfortunately , they also had to make students repeat grades , so he really didn 't finish all of his schooling until the age of 27 . My dad also says that this led to the reason why he wanted to leave Nigeria . It wasn 't a nice place at all . He wanted to come to America . I don 't think I would have ever thought to ask my dad more about this subject if it hadn 't been for the anthropology class . I wonder just how many stories my parents had and they were not telling my sisters and me . Don 't they know that this is how we preserve our culture ? Do they know that these are the stories that need to be passed down generations ? Without them , we lose our culture , and we lose everything that our ancestors worked so hard to establish . For the past few weeks since I have been back to school from spring break , I have been donating a large amount of my time on the weekends to community service . I realized that it 's something that I really like to do , and it 's something that I have constantly done since I was little ( even throughout high school ) . I thought it would be a good idea to get back into it . Earlier this semester , my friend had introduced me into this one group on campus that is focused on community service and leadership . Some of the requirements of the group is to obtain about 250 hours of source through work , community service , clubs , and organizations that I had been involved in . At first , I was pretty sure that I had just eliminated my chances of being in the group because I realized that I never documented any of those hours . It took me a while to muster enough effort and motivation to actually start thinking back to the amount of times that I had actually did community service . It turns out that I had done alot of it . I remembered volunteering last semester , and it still counted for this semester . I was super happy about that . I had volunteered at the inauguration of the university 's new president . That was really fun because I was a volunteer that guided people who needed special needs . I felt special , like I actually played a role in the inauguration . I remember volunteering only for the benefit of saying that I actually did it . I mean who could honestly say that they helped out with their president 's inauguration ? Anyways , a few weeks ago , I helped out with another event on campus that was about increasing the amount of involvement of females in STEM fields . I had helped out last year , but those hours wouldn 't count . It didn 't matter . It was something that was always a joy for me to help out with . I fully believed in the fact that more girls needed to be exposed to STEM fields . Many times , the guys are the ones given the building toys and the computers and the video games and the technology . On the other hand , the girls are given the little kitchen sets and the dollhouses and the sewing kits . That 's only going to help them become good stay - at - home moms . There 's nothing wrong with that , but what if that girl wants to do something else ? What if she would like to learn how to build and design things ? What if she learned how to engage in combat ? What if she knew how to build her own computer ? This year , I had a 7th grader who , I must say , really impressed me . She told me that she wanted to study Computer Science , just like how her dad did . She had already had programming experience from her dad who is a programmer for a very renown camera company . He has already shown both his daughter and son how to write code ! Her dad went to MIT , and her mom was super nice . We went to a workshop about bioluminescence . So they mixed a few chemicals together , and it glowed in the flask . I watched as they took a really long time measuring the chemicals and pouring them into flasks . They even took a super long time putting on gloves . It was the funniest thing to watch , because nowadays I could do all of that under a minute . It goes to show that all the abilities that we did learn were acquired … After that , we went to this computer programming workshop about coding and making your own code to create your own animation . I was fascinated at first , and I now understood a little bit about how code worked , but it was sooo boring for me . I quickly fell asleep during it . I even had to excuse myself so I could walk around a little to stay awake . The girl I was with definitely had fun , especially since her mom , dad , and brother were right with her the entire time . They were having a jolly good time . After that was another chemistry lab , which woke me up . It was all about polymers which was really cool . I learned about how you could easily break a CD once you put some esters ( or was it ethers ) on them . In the next one , we dissolved a styrofoam cup into a solution . The next once , we made some silly puddy . In the next one , we made this long polyester chain . Now that one was really cool because he showed me what exactly he did and how it worked . I came up to him after the experiment and asked for the mechanism . He asked how much organic chemistry I had taken , and I told him that I was finishing up my 2nd semester . It looked like his eyes had lit up , and he was like " Oh cool ! " . so he showed me the mechanism which I was super amazed by because I had just taken a test on it . It was all about a substitution between an amide and a carboxylic acid . He even showed me how to make the bonds on a large scale , because apparently he was showing them the baby version way to make it . I was super intrigued by it . This is honestly something that I plan to do every year that I am here . Maybe next year I 'll be on the planning committee . Though that will be a whole lot of work , I believe that I could do it . |
" I didn 't realize babies come with hats . You guys crack me up . You don 't have jobs . You can 't walk or speak the language . You don 't have a dollar in your pockets but you got yourselves a hat , so everything 's fine . " - Toby Zeigler , The West Wing , " Twenty Five " I had my first contraction at 12 : 05 a . m . on Sunday , November 17th . I had another one an hour later and told your daddy that although they were far apart , we might want to start keeping an eye on them . I had another contraction just before 2 , and then I didn 't wake up again for another hour and 45 minutes . From then on , the contractions came randomly , some 20 minutes apart , some an hour apart . I didn 't sleep well at all . By around 11 on Sunday morning , I knew you were on your way . The contractions were still irregular , sometimes 4 minutes apart , and sometimes 10 . They were so , so painful . I told Daddy , " If this is just ' early ' labor , I am in deep trouble . " I had said all along I wanted to give birth med - free , but I was beginning to doubt my ability to handle the pain . I think I was trying to come to terms with what I had a feeling was inevitable , that I would need an epidural . Around 2 , Daddy made me go for a walk . He wanted to see if that stopped the contractions or made them more regular . We walked for a long time , all around our neighborhood , and we quickly learned that it made the contractions more regular . I was down to 3 - 4 minutes apart . If I could walk through them , they were easier to take than if I stood still , so we tried to keep moving . We walked through the woods behind our house and found the biggest maple leaf I 've ever seen . Daddy picked it up and brought it home with us . I continued to labor at home ; when I sat or rested , the contractions got further apart but they hurt more . I begged Daddy to just take me to the hospital , but he knew that wasn 't the right thing . I was freaking out , to be honest . I had convinced myself that this amount of pain was out of the ordinary and that something must be wrong . We fought , your daddy and me , which I hate , and I cried big , scared tears , but in the end , he calmed me down and convinced me to go for another walk . By then , the moon was out . I told you I knew you 'd come during the full moon , right ? I only lasted 30 minutes on the walk . By the time we got back , the contractions were 2 - 3 minutes apart , and the doctor finally said we could come in . Daddy loaded up the car with the bags we 'd waited to pack until we were fighting , we called your grandparents to tell them you were on your way , and off we went . I had several contractions in the car that were almost unbearably painful . I did my best to do the breathing we learned in Lamaze class , and it helped a little , but they were really overwhelming . Daddy dropped me off at the front of the hospital around 8 : 15 p . m . and went to park the car . A nurse came down to take me upstairs , but not before I had three contractions in the lobby while strangers walked by . Once I got to a triage room , I had to stay on the bed . The nurses put two monitors on me and asked me a million questions I couldn 't possibly be expected to answer . Thank goodness Daddy had made it upstairs by then . Then the nurse wanted to do a cervical check . She waited until I was between contractions , but it was still the most uncomfortable thing I 've ever felt ( but it would soon be topped - stay tuned ) . She said she couldn 't get a good " read " on how dilated I was , so she was going to have another nurse try . That one also sucked , but when she said she thought I was already 5 - 6 centimeters , I figured it was worth it - that was more than halfway . They moved me ( on the bed - they brought in a wheelchair first , but realized there was no way ) to our labor and delivery room at 9 : 30 , where we would spend the next 15 hours . It was chaos in there . I was having a hard time focusing on my contractions to breathe through them because of all of the commotion . They said I needed an IV - we asked for a hep lock or saline lock , still hoping I 'd be able to get up and walk through labor . They said I was dehydrated and needed fluid , I had to have the IV . The nurse whose job it was to stick me was the worst , like she 'd never tried to do this on someone in labor before . At one point , she was trying to stick me , the OB on call was about to do a cervical check , my nurse was pressing the monitor into my belly trying to locate your heartbeat , and I was having a contraction . I shouted for everyone to stop touching me , at least until the contraction was over . Poor Daddy was trying his best to advocate for me , but there were just so many people in there and they were all talking to me and I couldn 't hear them all at once and they didn 't seem to care . The OB finally did her cervical check and I thought I was going to die . I have never felt pain like that before . I was screaming and trying to scoot up the bed away from her hand and sobbing , begging her to stop . She couldn 't feel what she needed to because I couldn 't be still . She came to my side and said , very kindly , " If you are having this much trouble tolerating the cervical check , I really , really recommend that you get an epidural . " I protested that cervical checks aren 't necessary and couldn 't we just go without and she said no . I knew I was sunk . The anesthesiologist came in to talk to us . He asked us about our concerns and reassured me about each of them . I really can 't adequately convey the amount of pain I was in . I knew there was no way I could labor like that for much longer , but I was so conflicted about accepting the epidural . I asked Daddy if he 'd be disappointed in me if I got it and he , of course , said no . I relented . The process of the epidural itself was something else altogether - imagine having to try to stay relaxed and still while contractions wrack your body . Our nurse , Emma , was my lifesaver here . I leaned my forehead on her chest , she put her hands on my shoulders , and spoke right into my ear , telling me what to do and how to stay calm . It was painful , but I tried to focus on the fact that at the end of it , I 'd have relief and maybe even be able to sleep . The epidural took about 20 minutes to fully take effect , but when it did - wheeeeeeeee ! My whole lower body was numb and tingly . I could still tell when a contraction was happening , but it was basically painless . The nurse put my catheter in and my water broke shortly after that , around 10 : 45 . When the doctor came back to check me again around midnight , it was like a walk in the park compared to the first time . Turns out I was only 4 centimeters , so they basically turned out the lights and left us to labor in peace , since they expected it to take about 6 hours to get to 10 centimeters . I was so relieved to be out of pain ; I was already exhausted and looking forward to resting . My parents showed up around 1 a . m . I offered them the keys to our house so they could get some sleep , but they opted to stick around . Papa went to sleep in the car and Grandma stayed in the room with us . Daddy pulled out the chair that turned into a bed and we both tried to sleep . I was able to rest fairly well , but I 'm not sure I ever really fell asleep . Around two , the OB checked me and I was only 5 centimeters , but two hours later , I was up to 8 . I figured we 'd be ready to go around 6 , but I was still not complete by then , so they had me " labor down , " which means to use gravity ( by sitting more upright in bed ) to help move you into position . At some point , I started to get severe right lower back pain . It was excruciating , particularly during contractions , and changing positions did nothing to help . They called the anesthesiologist to give me what they called a " bolus " of epidural medicine , something a little different than what was in my drip , that would take the edge off the pain . When the anesthesiologist arrived , he asked me some questions to determine what kind of pain I was having . Apparently whatever I answered made him think I might be ready to push , so he held off on the bolus and instead told me to push the button on my epidural to release more medication . Shortly after that , the OB determined that I wasn 't far enough along to push , and I was still having the back pain , so a different anesthesiologist came and gave me the bolus . I remember wondering if it was too close in time to the button pushing , but when I asked about it , they said it was fine . I was immediately nauseous , though , from the combination of medicines , and spent a good five minutes vomiting . Since I 'd had nothing to eat for the last 13 or 14 hours , couldn 't sit up completely , and was utterly exhausted , it was a really terrible 5 minutes . Finally , around 8 : 45 or so , the doctor determined I was complete and ready to push . Grandma and Papa headed to the waiting room , Daddy came back from getting breakfast ( he hadn 't eaten anything except the graham crackers he managed to pilfer from the clear liquids room since lunchtime the day before ) , and the nurses explained to me just what to do . This is where the epidural both came in handy and was a bit of a problem . One the one hand , because of the medicine , pushing did not hurt . Don 't get me wrong : It was HARD work , but it was not painful . On the other hand , because of the medicine ( and likely exacerbated by the bolus and the last button push being so close to the time I started to push ) , I couldn 't feel if I was pushing in my bottom , the way the nurses said , so my first several rounds of pushes were not that effective . I knew when I needed to push , because I could feel the contractions start in the bottom of my left ribs and in my right hip bone , and I could hold my breath and bear down , but I couldn 't be sure I was focusing my pushing quite where it needed to be . This is also where I needed pitocin . I 'd hoped to avoid it , but for whatever reason , when it was time to push , my contractions went from 1 - 2 minutes apart to about 6 minutes apart . I asked if we could forgo the pitocin . The nurses said yes , but said it would make labor that much longer - probably 4 hours of pushing . Given that I 'd basically been up for nearly 36 hours at this point , was starving , and really just anxious to meet you , Daddy and I agreed on the condition that they start me on the lowest dose possible . That worked out pretty well , though they did need to turn up the drip a little throughout the pushing . As I said , pushing was hard work ; I was getting four and sometimes five pushes per contraction , but because of the epidural , the early ones weren 't that effective . As it started to wear off a bit , I became more aware of where I was focusing my energy and I got better at it . Daddy was right there by my side the whole time , holding my head and encouraging me . Towards the end , he could see you coming out and he just broke down crying . I was watching his face , and during my last three or so pushes , we locked eyes and were crying together , me while trying to hold my breath . I remember feeling like you must be super close to coming out , but I couldn 't be sure . All of a sudden , the doctor yelled , " Melanie , open your eyes ! " and I looked down , and she pulled you out and then you were crying and Daddy and I were crying and I was laughing . I reached out for you and they put you on my chest and Daddy and I just cried and laughed . Then , I was holding your bottom and I felt something warm and wet , and I sort of shouted through laughter , " I think she peed on me ! " And the nurse said , " And pooped ! " And I did not care . The nurses rubbed you down and put a hat on you . They asked Daddy if he wanted to cut your cord and God bless him , he remembered to ask if it had stopped pulsing first , so at least that one thing went the way we hoped . He cried while he did it , and then he cried some more when he held you for the first time . There was lots and lots of crying , by all three of us . You were here , you were safe , and you were ours . There 's more after all of this - meeting Grandma and Papa , what happened when the pediatrician said you had to go to the NICU , 12 days home already - but that 's the story of your birth . You took a long time to get here , both literally and figuratively , but Daddy and I knew you 'd be worth the wait . We love you times infinity , little girl . Like this ? Share it : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Birthdays , Photos , Pregnancy Dear Baby I want to tell you about your daddy . I don 't even know where to start . Maybe with this : He loves you so , so much . I mean , of course he does , right ? He 's your dad . But really , it 's immense and it 's more overt than I imagined . I thought he 'd love you shyly - secretly , even - but it 's big and right out there in the open , and it is something to see . When we got engaged , he didn 't tell anyone at work ( because he didn 't want to answer questions about where and when and details ) , but he 's had your sonogram picture on his desk at work for months and months - he 's already so proud to be your daddy . He talks to you in my belly every day , and touches you and gives you kisses . I assumed that was something he 'd only do when it was just us , but he doesn 't care who 's around . He asks everyone he knows who 's already a parent for advice because he wants to be sure he does right by you . About six weeks ago , he had a bad day at work . On his way out , a co - worker asked him how his day was . He said , " It was terrible , but I don 't care , because tonight I get to go home and put my daughter 's dresser together . " When he got home and told me this story , he said , " I 'm beginning to realize what 's really important . Work only matters as a means to an end . She , and you , are what really matter . " I knew when we got together , of course , that he 'd be a good dad , but I assumed he 'd be a more hands - off dad , or at least the kind of dad who 's more comfortable with older kids ( he 's great with your cousins ) . But we took a breastfeeding class , and there were fake babies , and your daddy held our baby the entire time except when I was practicing with her . He cradled her , and rubbed her back , and made sure her diaper was on right , and patted her belly . When he 'd hand her to me , I 'd grab her by the arm - she was fake , after all - and he 'd give me a look and say , " You have to support her neck . " It 's cliche , but true : I fell in love with him even more that day . I don 't want you to think his giant love for you means you 're going to get away with anything , though . He 's already steeling himself for the onslaught of puppy dog eyes and " Daddy , please " in a sweet little voice . He 's not going to be a pushover . And when you 're bigger and you think that he 's the meanest father in the universe and he just doesn 't understand you , I 'm going to show you this . You might still be right that he doesn 't understand you , but at least you 'll know that he has loved you since before we even knew you were you and that all he wants is to be the best dad he can be . Like this ? Share it : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Family , Open Letters , Pregnancy 35 / 35 Baby girl hasn 't dropped , but I 've had lots and lots of Braxton - Hicks contractions . At Tuesday 's appointment , my doctor confirmed that the baby is head down , which is a relief because that 's step one in my master plan of not having a c - section . This week , we attended three classes - one on what to expect during labor and delivery , particular to my insurance company and the hospital where I will deliver ; one on how to care for a newborn , where the fake baby for diaper changes was a hermaphrodite , shockingly ; and an all - day Lamaze class yesterday . We have one last class - the basics of breastfeeding - this week , and then , apparently , we 'll know everything . As we speak , David , who long ago volunteered to be responsible for the laundry in our relationship , is sitting in the next room sorting all the clothes , blankets , sheets , towels , washcloths , burp cloths , and bibs we 've so generously received from friends and family - seriously , we 've bought her almost nothing in those categories , except for Tigers and Braves gear . He 's alternately marveling at how tiny the things are , wearing her hooded towels , and lamenting how many of the things say " machine wash separately " but don 't also say " with like colors . " Spoiler alert : He 's not going to wash them separately . We also just had a 10 - minute conversation on whether to use the bottle of Dreft we were given as part of a shower gift - we think baby - specific things ( dish detergent , blenders , laundry detergent , plastic containers ) are generally a racket and not worth the mark - up . It seems the makers of Dreft somehow convinced the world it was best for babies , but I don 't get it , because it 's not as if it 's fragrance - free - it actually kind of stinks , in my opinion . In the end , we decided to go ahead and use it - no sense wasting it - but we won 't buy it ourselves . We 'll stick to our usual All Free and Clear . People keep asking me if we 're ready . I always say , " Yep , just about . " But really , I 'm thinking , " Does it matter ? She 's coming whether we 're ready or not . " I keep trying to control the things I can - the nursery is all but done ( we 're waiting for Sears to finally ship us the last two drawer fronts for her dresser that were damaged in the initial shipment and we need to hang the pictures ) ; we 've got a Pack - n - Play and a swing and the carseat ( still need the stroller , though , I just remembered ) ; I 've got a list of stuff to pack for the hospital and the baby 's bag is started ; I 've got my birth plan all , well , planned , I just need to actually write it down . I think I 'm more or less trying to ignore the things I can 't control - when is she coming , will there be some kind of emergency , what if David can 't get to me when I go into labor - because why borrow trouble , right ? Of course , that 's easier said than done . David is amazing . I feel really lucky that he 's the one by my side through all of this . He 's so sensible and not easily flustered , so I know I can count on him to be calm when I 'm not and to be my advocate in the hospital . He was so good at Lamaze class yesterday when we were practicing all the breathing and relaxation techniques , and I know he 's going to be such a big help to me when I 'm in labor . On top of it all , he 's a total softy when it comes to the baby ; he took her sonogram picture to work to put on his desk . I just love that - he 's already so proud to be her daddy . Like this ? Share it : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Pregnancy On Motherhood I 've been thinking a lot about motherhood now that I 'm pregnant . Well , really , I 've been thinking about my mom . To be more specific , I 've been thinking about my mothers , plural . See , I have kind of a complicated history . My biological parents were never married . They had my brother and then me during the course of their relationship . I don 't know all the specifics , but the way I understand it is that they broke up before I was a year old . One day , when I was one , my dad asked Debbie ( my biological mom ) if he could take me and Nate to visit his friend 's daughter in the hospital in California ( we lived in Las Vegas at the time ) . He promised to have us back by 10 the next morning . He disappeared with us instead . The next several years don 't matter for the purposes of this story , but suffice it to say , they were not good , particularly for my brother , and my dad was in school , so we were separated from him , living with different family members . When I was 5 and Nate was 7 , we - my dad , the woman who would become my ( step ) mother ( Renee ) , Nate , and me - were all finally able to be together again in a little town outside Philadelphia . When I was 6 and Nate was 8 , my dad and mom got married , and in a few weeks , they 'll celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary . I want to be clear that Nate and I always understood that Renee was not our biological mother . I also want to be very clear that we did not care . We did not feel Debbie 's absence in our life in any way . For my part , that was probably because I was so little when my dad took us that I had no memory of her . That 's probably true for Nate as well , but I can 't be sure . In any event , when I was about 10 , shortly after we moved to Virginia , Debbie reappeared in our lives by mail . I honestly cannot remember the first letter or my parents talking about her wanting to write to us or anything - it just happened ( the how came later , and I 'll get to that ) . I was 10 or 11 ; I thought it was cool . She lived in Las Vegas , which I thought was so glamorous , and she sent pictures of the desert and wildlife . She also sent pictures of our half - brother and the rest of her family . We graduated to talking on the phone , and the next summer , she came to visit . Looking back , I can see just how awkward it must have been for everyone , but for us it meant a motel pool and baby mementos and presents and showing her off at little league games . For Nate , it meant an illicit ride in the driver 's seat of her rental car on a back country road - he was 14 . It also meant the first time I came face - to - face with a functioning alcoholic . I didn 't know it then , of course , but she literally drank beer as if it were water , including when she was driving us around . I clearly remember her worrying that she might get pulled over for something and the cop would see an open container . I remember feeling , even then , like I had some obligation to her , to protect her feelings . I would apologize when I referred to Renee as " mom , " which we 'd called her since she married my dad . She would lament how much she missed while begrudgingly admitting that our lives in Virginia were better than she could have possibly provided for us . I felt guilty because I had an easier life than she did . We went to visit her in Las Vegas when we were in high school . That 's where we met our half - brother for the first time and where the rest of her family wept with joy when they saw us , because the last time they 'd seen us we were 1 and 3 . It 's also where I learned that she essentially blackmailed our father into letting her have contact with us again . I clearly remember the smile on her face as she told us how it happened and what she 'd threatened him with - my dad was just a kid when they were together , remember , and it was the 70 's . She obviously thought she 'd been so clever . I didn 't understand it then ; in fact , I think I chuckled right along with her . Less than 10 years later , though , I 'd see things much differently . We went again to Las Vegas when we were in college . I honestly don 't remember that much about that visit except that , like the two prior times we 'd seen her , alcohol was her number one priority . It seemed normal there , because all of the adults ( and several of my underage cousins ) also drank , but in truth , it was so far from my reality at home that it shocked me . The next and last time I saw Debbie was the weekend of my brother 's wedding , almost 11 years ago now . Nate and Molly paid for her to come to Virginia - she never could have afforded it otherwise - and she got off the plane with $ 100 cash that her sister had given her when she dropped her off at the airport . We all met for lunch and then she came back to my apartment with me to get ready to go the rehearsal and then the hotel . On the way to my apartment , she said , " Do you have beer at your apartment ? " When I said no , she said , " Then we need to stop and get some . " So I did . She bought a case of beer and cracked one - warm - in the car on the 5 - minute ride to my apartment . And she carried the case with her to the hotel and I never saw her without a drink the rest of the weekend . After the rehearsal , my whole family went out to dinner . I asked her if she wanted to come and she asked if my grandmother ( my dad 's mother ) would be there . When I said yes , she said , " I 'll pass . " The next night , after the wedding reception , I came back to the room to find her on the phone to her sister , in tears . When she hung up , I asked what was wrong . She said , " That bitch . . . " and said that when Molly 's brother was doing the toast at the reception , he made sure to thank Debbie when he thanked my parents . She said that my grandmother , who I guess happened to be standing right next to her , said , " How nice for you . " In case you can 't keep track , my grandmother is " that bitch " in this story . Now , look : I know my grandmother , and I know exactly how she said " How nice for you " - I can hear it in my head as plain as day , and I know it wasn 't genuine . I also know that Debbie blames my grandmother for not helping her find us when my dad took us . But at that point , 25 years had passed , she had a relationship with us , and she was at my brother 's wedding , for crying out loud . I thought it was time to let bygones be bygones . I asked her not to talk like that about my grandmother , and she said she was sorry . Later that night , the bridesmaids and groomsmen went out to a local bar . When we walked in , the first thing I saw was Debbie , drunk , hanging out by the pool table flirting with some young guys who looked increasingly uncomfortable . I pretended I didn 't know her . She came back to the hotel room around 1 a . m . when Aimee and I were already in bed , stumbling around , reeking of cigarette smoke . She asked if she could leave the TV on while she fell asleep . I was sick already and needed my rest , and I can 't sleep with the TV on , so I probably said " Ok " in a less - than - agreeable manner . She immediately turned off the tv , threw the remote on the table , and started basically acting like a child who didn 't get her way , throwing her suitcase off the bed and generally stomping around . I turned on the light . " What is the problem ? " All of a sudden , it was on . She called me a selfish brat and said I always had to have everything my way . It escalated from there . At one point , I wheeled on her and said , " Fuck you . " I immediately regretted it and said I was sorry and didn 't mean it . She narrowed her eyes and said , " You meant it . " I started packing my bags to go sleep in my parents ' room . She begged me not to - " Don 't drag your father into this . " She begged Aimee to stop me - Aimee was like , " Sorry , lady - I 'm not getting in the middle of this . " I told her she 'd taken advantage of Nate and Molly 's generosity to bring her to the wedding and then she shat all over my family while she was at it . I told her I was tired of seeing her drunk all the time - to which she had the audacity to reply that she hadn 't had that much to drink . We left and went to my parents ' room , waking them up . I could hardly tell them what happened I was crying so hard . We slept on the pull - out couch in their room . The next morning we were supposed to go to brunch at Molly 's mom 's house . My face was swollen from crying and my head was pounding , so I was going to pass . I was also supposed to take Debbie to the airport . My dad said , " You need to deal with this . You can 't let her go under these circumstances . " Then he gave me $ 40 to give her for a cab . I knocked on her door and she opened it and let me in . She handed me a bag filled with stuff I 'd missed in my frantic packing the night before . She was going to leave it at the front desk with note for them to call me to get it . When I opened it later , I saw she 'd included the three beers left over from the case she 'd bought Friday afternoon . I apologized and offered her a ride to the airport . She refused and said she 'd already called a cab . I offered her the money my dad gave me , but she refused that , too . In the aftermath of that weekend , she wrote me a dozen or more times , until I left for law school and told her to stop contacting me . For me , it was a necessary break . I finally admitted to myself what I 'd been denying for a very long time : I don 't like her very much . I don 't think she 's a good person and I don 't want her in my life . When I was in contact with her , I constantly felt guilty for one thing or another , but mostly just for generally turning out ok , because I wouldn 't have if we 'd stayed with her . I always felt that a lot of what I did for her , the contact I had with her , I did out of a sense of obligation , not because I loved her or even liked her . I realized that I 100 % resented the way she 'd wormed herself into our lives , the way she threatened my dad , the way I hadn 't even known who she was and she insisted on being a part of my life when I wasn 't in a position to say no . She kept writing me , sending the letters to my brother 's house , even though he 'd cut off contact with her , too , after learning about what happened after the wedding . I never opened them . I don 't know if she still sends them . I 'm friends with my half - brother and cousins on Facebook , but I blocked her when she started messaging me there . I assume they tell her things about me , and I don 't particularly care . I just don 't personally want a relationship with her . Three years ago , for my mom 's 60th birthday , Nate and I asked her to adopt us . She was our mom when we didn 't even know what the word meant - she accepted the three of us as a package deal and put her own plans on hold to be sure she and my dad could take care of us . By the time they were sure they could , her time to have biological kids of her own had expired . As much as she loves us , I know that 's one of the great sadnesses of her life . She never lets on , though , and she never , ever treated us like we robbed her of something she wanted so badly . And she would have adopted us years ago , but they knew Debbie wouldn 't give permission . So we want it to be official now , finally , because she 's our mother in every way that matters . We started the process , but it got delayed for one reason or another and still hasn 't happened yet . Recently , my mom brought it up and said she hadn 't forgotten about it , but that before we do it , she wants me and Nate to tell Debbie . I was hoping to skate by with the legally required notice from the lawyer , but I know that 's the coward 's way out . I don 't know what to say to her . I mean , I guess it doesn 't matter , because it 's not her choice and we don 't need her permission anymore , but I want to be kind about it . I need to talk to Nate , obviously , so we can work on a letter together . Like this ? Share it : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Family , Pregnancy The Bend I suspect this is relatively normal , but in the past few days , I 've started to feel overwhelmed by anxiety . Assuming I go full term , which is never a guarantee , I have less than 14 weeks left in my pregnancy . Some of my anxiety is about what 's left to be done - finding daycare is the big one - some of it 's about thinking I should be doing things more / differently / better , some of it 's about labor and delivery , and some of it 's about what comes after . All of it is fucking with my head . I 've been having trouble concentrating at work for the past several days . Pre - pregnancy , when my anxiety started affecting me that severely , I 'd pop an Ativan to get me through - maybe once a month , if that . Ativan is contraindicated for pregnancy , though , and while a single 10mg pill probably wouldn 't make a difference or cause a problem , I just can 't do it . So I 'm stuck trying to use relaxation techniques and whatever the fuck people did before drugs . And I hate it . So now I 'm writing about it in the hopes that it will help . Daycare here is a nightmare . I started looking at 12 weeks - so , in May for care to start late next February - and it was already too late . We want the baby in the city with us during the day for a lot of reasons , but everywhere has waiting lists that are at least 12 or 18 months long . It 's ridiculous and I know we 're going to have to come up with an alternate plan , but that plan doesn 't exist right now . I seem to be sort of counting on the fact that my life has largely been charmed and things just seem to work themselves out . That is a terrible plan . One of the ways I 've been dealing with lower levels of anxiety throughout my pregnancy is by buying books . I have What To Expect , The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy , two books on natural birth , two books on breastfeeding , and The Birth Partner , which David is reading . I feel like learning all I can is the only way to feel in control . We 're also going to take a birthing class , like Lamaze , and three prenatal classes my insurance company offers - one each on labor / delivery , breastfeeding , and infant care . I 'm way more informed about things than a lot of moms - to - be that I encounter online , and yet I often feel like there 's still so much I don 't know . Maybe I just need to accept that I can 't learn it all , I don 't know , but for a booksmart nerd like me , that 's really hard . One of the biggest things is worrying about all the things that can go wrong . This is everything from the ridiculous - How do I know this parking garage isn 't going to collapse and bury me in the rubble ? What if my house is built on a sinkhole ? - to the actually possible - What if I fall on my belly ? What if I end up with severe postpartum depression , and worse , what if no one notices and I hurt the baby ? I double and triple check before crossing the street , I won 't eat cold lunchmeat or soft cheeses , I don 't walk under scaffolding if I can help it . Some of that 's reasonable , sure , but my brain is starting to have trouble distinguishing the things that aren 't . Maybe it 's time to check back in with my counselor . I don 't have a good ending for this post , no tidy way to sum everything up . I guess I 'm just putting it all out there so that it 's out there , out of my head . Maybe even just doing that will help . Thanks for listening . Like this ? Share it : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Health , Pregnancy Post navigation I 'm listening to Tracy Chapman 's Promise and weeping in the Chick - fil - a drive thru . What is wrong with me ? But I love this song so much . Tweeted 3 days ago Im 5 minutes in to Roxanne Gay 's Hunger and I 'm in tears . It 's so close to home ; I don 't know if I 'm ready for this . Tweeted 5 days ago |
Traffic rushed past on the street behind him , an endless river of noise . Honks blared from taxi cabs . A couple blocks over , near the subway entrance , a jackhammer pounded away . The people walking past never even looked up at the Overlap . It was an invisible holdout against the newer construction in the city . On this block , the Overlap stood somewhat alone , out of step with the rest of the buildings . As if the music had stopped and the massive brick edifice had sat down too soon . It was set back further from the street than the buildings on either side . And was dwarfed by their greater height and sleeker , modern architecture . Long alleys stretched along both sides of the Overlap , further isolating it . The building on the right cast a broad shadow across the Overlap 's face . It had character . Mark 's portfolio and easel shifted under his arm . He adjusted his grip and another brush threatened to escape . His duffel dragged down on his shoulder . If he got the place , he 'd have to come back out here and paint the Overlap . Overlap ? What was with that name , anyway ? It was odd . The whole building was odd - looking , almost gothic , with cement gargoyles peering down from the corners of the building . None of the windows were boarded up . It didn 't have graffiti painted on it . Old , yes . Probably a hundred years old at least . Odd , definitely . And , from the ad , rent - controlled and in his price range . Which was essentially what he had in his pocket . No credit check required , the ad said . Immediate move in . Furnished to boot . Chances were , the apartment was already taken . That 'd be his luck . Then it was either find a place to squat or squander more of his dwindling reserve for a flea - bag room for the night . Unless he wanted to sleep on the streets . Mark balanced his bags and managed to transfer the brush back to his hand along with the rest . The rubber band had broken . Maybe it wasn 't the best idea to show up juggling everything he owned , but what other choice was there ? He licked his lips and tasted a trace of the sweet watercolor paint . His stomach growled . He 'd last had a grilled cheese and cup of chicken soup yesterday afternoon , at the Last Caboose diner . Coffee and a piece of wheat toast for breakfast before that . Anything to stretch out each dollar . He shouldn 't have ever agreed to move in with Stacy , when he knew how potentially unstable she was , but he had thought they 'd make it work . An actress , and an artist ? Right , it worked until her producer boyfriend swept her up , and Mark out onto the street . He still hadn 't taken a step . This , or the street . What other choice was there ? Mark adjusted the strap on his duffel one more time and headed to the front doors . He nearly lost the easel again , opening the door , but he managed . Stepping inside the Overlap was like walking into an old library . It was cool , dim and musty smelling . The noise from the street cut off completely as soon as the door closed . That was nice . The silence of the place was welcome . Tomb - like silence . The lobby was marble . A bank of brass - fronted mailboxes inset into the wall on his right . Straight ahead a staircase rose up into the building . A narrow , dark hallway stretched along the staircase on the right . Elevators , and dimly lit by a single pocket light , a sign hung that read , Manager . The door flew open , yanked by the broad - faced man towering over him as if the man had been waiting right on the other side of the door for the knock . The man was tall , he had at least a foot on Mark 's five - foot - eight . His broad shoulders that filled the door frame . His face was all hard lines and white bristles . His left eye was missing , leaving only a ruined landscape of scar tissue . His remaining eye was huge , watery blue as if it had swelled to compensate for the missing eye . His face looked reshaped by tectonic forces , that had shifted the eye higher and crooked his nose into a series of jagged peaks . The overhead light emphasized his cyclopean nature , enhancing the crags and lines of his face . It was a face demanding to be drawn , something out of legends . Despite that , Heinrich wore blue jeans , a white shirt , and a black leather jacket . On his feet , he wore big black boots . It was biker gear . Mark broke into a cold sweat . He was staring . This had to be Heinrich , the manager , and he was staring like an idiot . " Ah , I 'm here about the room ? I saw the ad . Is it still available ? " " Ya . I will show you . Come . " Heinrich shoved past , trailing a scent that was leather and hot spices . A big clutch of keys hanging from his belt clanked and jangled with each step . At the first floor , the railing changed from wrought iron to polished oak . Mark noticed as they went up the flight . He hesitated , meaning to ask about it , but Heinrich wasn 't slowing . His long stride took two steps at a time . Mark hurried after . On the third floor , the railing switched back to metal , square , painted white and chipping . It wasn 't only that , the carpets were different too . Each floor was designed differently , Mark realized . Carpets on the third floor were orange , stamped dark along the center line . A dark cherry wainscoting ran along the walls and it smelled of dust . When they got to the fourth floor the air smelled clean , like after a spring rain . The floor was covered in wide tiles in marbled browns , dull with age . The walls were done in a similar fashion . It was had the look of something once modern , and now antique . It was the fourth floor where Heinrich left the stairs . That made Mark 's leg muscles happy . He 'd get used to the stairs . At least it wasn 't all the way up on the top , two more flights up . The apartment door was black , with a number in white stencil on the door , 4F . Simple , easy to remember . Heinrich pulled his key ring free and flipped immediately to a particular key , undistinguished from any of the others . He slipped it into the bottom lock , turned it and shoved the door open , then stepped back , out of the way . A gesture indicated Mark should go ahead . Love - on - first - sight strikes the heart without warning . Mark felt as home as he walked into the apartment . If his jaw wasn 't attached , it would have been on the floor , along with his eyes . Hardwood floors and exposed wood beams crossed the living area . There was a big carved stone fireplace with a massive mantel and a Renaissance - looking painting hanging above it . Dark leather sitting area around the fireplace . It was a corner apartment , at the front of the building , which gave him windows along the living area , a kitchen , and dining area on his right . Straight ahead an open door let into a bedroom suite . The windows on that side overlooked the alley , letting in light while giving him some privacy . It was huge , beautiful and should have been going for a hundred times what the ad said . " Absolutely . " Mark laughed . He down the duffel , the easel , and his portfolio . He put the brushes down on top of the duffel . His shoulder ached with relief . He went back to the doorway and pulled out his wallet . Heinrich waited , a massive gnarled hand held flat , while Mark counted out five hundred dollars onto his palm . The fingers closed into a fist , crushing the money , which he stuffed into his pocket . " First of the month . Put your name on mailbox . " Heinrich lifted his key ring and twisted free the key he had used to open the door . He held it out . " Your key . " " No . " Heinrich 's blue eye looked down at him . " First of the month , you don 't pay , you 're out . That 's the deal . " Then he was gone , jangling off down the stairs . Mark slowly closed the door . It swung easily , silently . The apartment was absolutely quiet . No sounds from neighbors . Quieter than the museums . Unpacking didn 't keep him busy for long , there wasn 't that much to unpack . He set up the easel near the windows where there was tons of space . When he could afford some more canvases , it 'd make a great place to paint . By then it was nearly lunch time , which meant getting to work . He needed to make some money if he was going to eat and keep this apartment . He grabbed his sketchbook , shoved the pencil case in his back pocket and made sure he had the key that Heinrich gave him . An hour or two drawing caricatures on the street should earn enough to pay for lunch , and maybe put away some money for tomorrow . Stepping out of the apartment , he carefully locked the door . The lock moved easily , smoothly , snicking securely into place . Mark pocketed the key and turned to leave . The door at the far end of the hall was open , but closing . For just a moment there was a woman there , stepping into the apartment . He caught a glimpse of a pale leg and stockings , a slender back and what looked like a black corset . The last he saw of her was her hand , covered in a lacy black glove , shutting the door . It was late when he got back to the apartment , carrying three new canvases , a takeaway from the Thai noodle place , and a new blank sketchbook . In the night , the shadows had swallowed up the Overlap , hiding it in the dark between the buildings . Lights were on , though , in some of the apartment , like dim embers . Mark couldn 't be happier . It 'd been a good afternoon . Hell , a great afternoon ! He 'd made enough doing sketches that he not only got lunch but the supplies and still had an extra fifteen dollars in his pocket . He entered the Overlap 's lobby . He wasn 't alone . There was a woman dancing in front of the mailboxes . She twirled around , kicking out her leg , throwing up her arm , then arched backward . She bent farther and farther until she was nearly upside down . Her face was painted red around her big dark eyes , and it glittered . Beautiful , if odd , with flaming red hair that spread out around her . She rose back up , spinning around , drawing in her arms . The gauzy dress she wore fell down around her , barely covering her . She was small , petite , and something was obviously very wrong with her . Beneath the thin fabric , a dark metal chain hung between her breasts , from nipple to nipple . " I looked around your apartment . I 'm Kiera . I put your name on your mailbox for you . You 're an artist , right ? " Her head snapped around , and she said harshly . " Of course he is ! You saw the easel ! He 's holding canvases ! " " Great ! " She skipped forward a couple steps . Her feet were bare and there was something wrong with them . She was up on her toes , except they weren 't really toes at all . Her foot was split in thirds , with a long middle toe , and two shorter , thinner toes on each side . He retreated up the stairs . That was the best thing to do , under the circumstances . Get upstairs and in his apartment . With the chain on . Hell , she 'd said that she was in his apartment . Kiera followed him , having no problem keeping up . " I live with my parents still . One of these days , I 'd like to get a place of my own , you know ? They say I have to wait until I get married , which is ridiculous , I think . Don 't you ? " Sharp teeth and freaky feet aside , Mark understood the question . It was the same one he 'd had when he moved out , but things at home were messed up with his stepdad and everything . Tom didn 't understand art , like at all , and a stepson wanting to be an artist even less . They reached the third floor . Kiera swung on the railing , kicking her leg up onto the square metal rail . She leaned back , arching down low to the floor . He paused on the next step . Maybe it was birth defects . He didn 't need to be an asshole . " Yeah , um , you too . " Four D , that was the apartment at the other end of the hall . The woman he 'd caught a glimpse of earlier . That must be who she meant . He made it back to his apartment without encountering anyone else . As soon as he got inside he locked the door and hooked the chain . It wasn 't a flimsy little chain for show either , but a weighty chain with a fat solid knob at the end . It 'd take something pretty serious to break that down . The spicy scent of the noodles was reassuring . Her teeth were probably fake . Even her feet , as realistic as they looked , most likely some sort of prosthetic costume . She was probably a performance artist . That would account for all of it , the dancing included . Just before ten o ' clock the next morning , he was downstairs knocking on Heinrich 's door again . This time the manager didn 't open the door until Mark 's second knock . Heinrich was wearing the same outfit , minus the leather jacket . Mark smiled . " Look , the apartment is great . I meant one of the neighbors , though , from the apartment below me . Kiera ? She said she 'd been in my apartment while I was gone . " He jerked it back . " Maybe I 'm not being clear . She was in my apartment . Don 't you see a problem with that ? How 'd she even get in ? " " All the keys are the same ? " Mark rubbed his jaw . He didn 't have much . Nothing most people would take . Still , it weirded him out . " But she was in there . " Clearly , this wasn 't getting anywhere . Who would Heinrich side with , the guy that just moved in ? Or a family that 'd been living there who knew how long ? Mark nodded . " Okay . Fine . I 'm not trying to cause trouble , it just freaked me out . " Ask about her teeth and her feet . No . He couldn 't . Not without sounding like more of a nutcase than he already did . Included . At the price he was paying ? It was cool . Fantastic . He turned around . If he saw Kiera again , not something he wanted , he 'd tell her she couldn 't come into his apartment unless invited . That was all . Three days after moving into the Overlap , Mark came home late and discouraged . The past few days he 'd barely scraped together enough money from drawing on the street to buy a couple meals a day . There hadn 't been any problems at the Overlap , he hadn 't seen anyone on his way in or out . And the apartment was fantastic . He hadn 't started a new painting yet . Too discouraged and tired when he got home , he couldn 't even get his head into a place to think about painting . The blank canvas on the easel made a statement all on its own . The emptiness revealed the futility of his plans . He needed better work or he was going to lose the apartment . If he could finish and sell a painting , that 'd be one thing . In theory , he might get enough to pay the rent for the month . She stopped facing him . Her makeup was more subtle today , and green . Her dark eyes lined and huge against the pale skin on her cheeks . Her smile once again revealed rows of shark - like teeth , serrated and sharp . Her feet , the same , three - toed , with bright red claws . Kiera lifted her foot , spreading the three toes wide . Mark sucked in air . That wasn 't a prosthetic . It was too perfectly organic , he could see the tendons and muscles move . He felt dizzy as if he 'd been the one spinning . Kiera uncoiled her arm , pointing a long finger at the mailboxes . " You 've got mail , Mark . " Right . What a ridiculous question . It must be mail for occupant , or resident . Junk mail . But she was obviously waiting , and he didn 't have a clue what was wrong with her . Prudence suggested he play along until he could get upstairs . The brass boxes were old and didn 't lock . At least that explained how she had looked . He lifted the catch and opened the door . There was a card in a gray envelope inside . A bright yellow forwarding sticker was stuck across the front , over his old address . What the hell ? He hadn 't heard from her in months , hadn 't made the effort since their last fight . She didn 't want to believe him about Tom 's cheating , so what was the point ? It 'd all blown up . Tom , the affairs , everything . She was moving out , had moved out . They were getting a divorce . At the end , she invited him back home if he wanted . She 'd talked to Stacy . No pressure , she wanted him to know that he had a place with her if he needed it while he got on his feet . There was a stone bench beside the mailboxes . Mark went and sat down . Kiera came and perched on the bench , her three - toed feet gripping the front edge of the bench like a bird . It was weird as hell , but he was numb . Instead of freaking out , he actually looked at her . She was sweet and interesting . Pretty too , in a terrifying way . " I don 't know , " he said . He looked at the Overlap 's stairs rising up into the building . He 'd only been here for a few days . The apartment itself was fantastic , the rent and paid utilities unbelievable . " If I can 't make rent I won 't be able to stay anyway . The whole art thing , it 's not working out like I expected . I 'm barely scraping by . It was one thing when I was living with Stacy . She was supporting us with her job , and her acting . More than I was doing . I 'm not surprised that she took off with her producer . " It was too quiet in his apartment . He couldn 't sleep , listening for something , anything . He didn 't have a fan , which might have helped . Instead , he opened the window . The honks and rush of traffic lulled him to sleep . The next day was raining buckets . Even if he found a dry spot to work , no one was going to want caricatures on a day like today . It was a perfect day to get started on the painting . Turning thirty was closer than he liked to think , and what did he have to show for his work ? Nothing . No paintings , nothing except a couple sketchbooks . He gave his work away for next to nothing . He had a couple pieces in his portfolio , but those were the ones that hadn 't sold . Even if he could get a gallery interested , he didn 't have enough work for a show . The best he could hope for was a piece in a group show right now . At least until he created more work and that took money . Not only the rent , and some food , but supplies too . This apartment was a stroke of luck , a lottery win at what he was paying Heinrich . To give that up , it made him want to vomit the contents of his empty stomach . He needed time , and time was running out . If he didn 't create something , and sell it , then he 'd get evicted . On the other hand , if he did , he might make rent this month and hopefully get enough to stay in supplies . But then it 'd repeat again next month . And the month after . On the surface , going home made sense . He could heal things with his mother . They could help each other get back on their feet . Get a job . Maybe even go back to school and finish his teaching certification . He 'd run away from it once before . Kiera would sit for him . The idea popped into his head . She 'd be thrilled . He knew it . An electric thrill went down his back at the thought . Why not ? With her looks , that shark - tooth smile ? If it didn 't ? What then ? The long bus ride . It was a ball - shriveling thought . Right or wrong , that bus ride meant giving up . He couldn 't do that . Not now . The woman who opened the door had Kiera 's looks , aged to elegant maturity . She smiled , showing the same sharp teeth . Behind her , bright sunlight streamed through the apartment windows . The apartment smelled of fresh baked bread and sugar . " Hi , " Mark said . His stomach growled from the smells pouring out of the apartment on warm air . " How is it sunny ? It was pouring rain a second ago ? " He let her drag him into the apartment . She shut the door behind him . A man rose up from the dining area table and came forward . He was thin and short , moving with a skip and a hop , beaming equally sharp teeth . He followed her into the apartment . It was longer than his , extending past where his living room ended , into what must be the next unit upstairs . But the windows looked out of the front of the building , same as his . Only these were filled with golden sunshine . Outside the sky was clear and sharp blue , with a blazing sun showing . On the street below a trolley rolled up the center of the street . People hopped and walked around and there wasn 't a car to be seen . The buildings were different too , shorter , with big open windows and balconies . It was right there , right out the window . A whole other world . " So if I went out there , I 'd be in a different world ? " " You can 't ! No one can cross between the worlds . " Kiera turned and leaned back against the window . " If you went out there , you 'd find yourself in your own world . You can look , but you can 't touch . " Stay . Right . " That 's why I came down . I 'd already decided to stay . I wanted to ask if you 'd sit for me , I 'd like to paint your portrait . " What a change brought by a week ? Mark returned to the Overlap , portfolio lighter and wallet heavier . Kiera 's portrait had sold , enough to pay the rent and keep him in supplies well into the next month . And the Overlap ? Amazing . Magical . Kiera promised to introduce him around to the neighbors . Faye was even talking about a rooftop cookout , a welcome to the building event . Her bread and soup were fantastic . " So am I . And I 'm sure Heinrich will be happy I can pay the rent for next month . " Mark climbed the stairs , the rail changing from metal to wood beneath his hand , then metal again on reaching the third floor . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 20 , 2017February 26 , 2017Categories Free Fiction , Short StoryTags 2013Stories , Dark Fantasy , Fantasy , Short Stories Daily Thoughts 79 : Wizardly Librarians I didn 't get much sleep last night . As I mentioned in my last post , I stayed up late . I 'd meant to sleep in but as it turned out I didn 't . In fact , I woke up at about 3 AM and then stayed pretty restless and unable to sleep for the rest of the night and finally gave up a bit after 6 AM . Today still went pretty well , despite being tired . I finished a number of things for school . Mostly , I 've focused on my game for INFO287 - 11 . Admittedly , I 'm carrying it too far , but once the idea popped up I needed to make the game . I spent a good part of the day creating the 129 cards for the game ( plus play order cards ) . They aren 't done . It 's a rough , initial alpha version to test out the gameplay . We played one game tonight and tomorrow I plan to record a game so that I can post a video to the website I also created for the assignment . Although set in a fantasy world , Wizardly Librarians focuses on an everyday process in libraries - filling hold requests . It 's a daily scavenger hunt . The game incorporates many other elements of libraries in a fun and engaging way . I 'm looking forward to filming the video tomorrow . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 19 , 2017Categories Creative Projects , Library Bits , UpdatesTags Dailies , Wizardly Librarians Daily Thoughts 78 : Standing Up at the Midnight Hour Midnight approaches ! I hadn 't meant to stay up this late , except I had a lot to do for my classes , so late night studying ! Most of the time I don 't have to stay up . My schedule this week made studying a bit more difficult . At work , I have an adjustable height desk and spend most of my days standing up . I 'll usually only sit down when I take breaks , or when I 'm working on things where I need to spread out work on the desk . Part of the reason I end up standing comes from years working in public libraries , standing at the desk . I didn 't have a similar option at home until today . I ordered this height - adjustable laptop desk the other day . It didn 't take too long to put together . The whole thing is on wheels , easy to move , has space for textbooks and my thermos . The adjustments are manual , but it can also go down to a sitting height as needed . I find standing is helpful for my productivity - and it certainly helps me stay awake when I need to ! Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 18 , 2017Categories UpdatesTags Dailies , Desk , Studying Daily Thoughts 77 : Early Start , Busy Brain Today started early ! And it followed a night when I couldn 't sleep . My schedule always has a degree of variability to it , but most of the time my morning routine is consistent . Not this week ! Different days , different start times , it 's been all over the place . I love new ideas ! Too much sometimes . I think of a new idea and want to run with it right away . Being back in school encourages this behavior . One of my classes focuses on gamification of information , or how we can use game elements to help with learning , exploration , and creation . I have an assignment to create a game this week . Not finished , polished , and beautiful , but a game with an information science focus . I came up with a wonderful idea the other day in the shower . The idea didn 't work for the assignment , but then I realized I could use the same or similar game elements for a game targeted for the assignment and that led to even more ideas ! I have other things to do over the next several days but I 'm excited about this idea . I plan to have a working model of the game in a couple days so that I can film an initial gameplay attempt to turn in for the assignment . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 17 , 2017Categories UpdatesTags Dailies , Games Daily Thoughts 76 : Challenges I managed to sleep most of the night without waking up ! That 's a big deal for me . I did wake up an hour or so early , and then tried to sleep more but at that point , I was done sleeping . Plus I made this pledge banner . The original said ' novel ' but I 'm not writing a novel . I plan to focus on short stories . I want to write more stories for DriveByStories . com and I want to write stories to submit for publication in some magazines . Of course , with any great challenge , comes great tracking . I 'd like to have the awesome plugin that I thought about this morning . I 'm not waiting for that to happen . Instead , I 'll track manually at the start and then if I end up creating a plugin , great ! Or maybe I 'll find a plugin that I can use . I do have one I created , but I want to do it differently now . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 16 , 2017Categories UpdatesTags 400 - Word Challenge , Dailies Daily Thoughts 75 : Procedures , Hurrying , and Legion Back to work today , catching up on a variety of tasks that happen behind the scenes in libraries , e . g . , one thing I worked on today was our internal list of performers . Exciting , right ? That one thing took working with the software used on our intranet , checking files , updating records , and talking with other people who care about what is tracked and who does what with the information . That was only one thing . Look around when you 're out . Notice how many businesses and government buildings there are around you . Try to get a sense of how many people work in that location . What do they do ? How many details go into everything we do ? It 's one of the things that often gets lost , simplified , and trimmed down in fiction . Mostly , I think , because it is seen as an uninteresting topic . Unless you 're writing a police procedural , then maybe you 'll get a sense of some of the procedures involved . No matter what I 'm doing , I try to fight the desire to hurry . It 's hard . I have more to do than I have time . More novels to write , things to learn , pictures to create , programs to write , and changes to make . There 's always a sense of wanting it now . At least when I don 't just want to go to sleep . My desire to sleep wars with my desire to get more done and is ultimately the undisputed champion . Sleep wins sooner or later . Like death , just less permanent . I enjoyed it ! Not much of a surprise . I also enjoy the other Marvel shows ( and movies ) . Originally I was always more of a DC fan ( can you say Batman ? ) , but Marvel has done a good job with the movies and shows . I 'm looking forward ( when I find the time ) to seeing more of this one . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 15 , 2017Categories UpdatesTags Dailies , Legion Daily Thoughts 74 : Valentine 's Day I 'm tired today ! Packing up a library yesterday ( moving all of the boxes from the library to the container ) left me worn out . I logged over 17 , 000 steps yesterday on my FitBit . I had errands to run this morning . The car needed an oil change and I needed to get my cholesterol tested . I took today off work . Normally I 'm off on Monday . Since I ended up working , I took today instead . Not the most romantic day ! Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 14 , 2017February 14 , 2017Categories Library Bits , UpdatesTags Dailies , Pokémon Go Daily Thoughts 73 : Data Selfie and Packing a Library I spent a good part of the day boxing up a library . For much of that time , I moved and stacked the boxes of books . It isn 't a big library , so we were able to box up the entire collection in just a few hours . But someone found them . The thick iron - bound cabin door kept the man out . He tried to break in . Claimed he was Jack . He lied . The inside of the house was just as dark as the outside and nearly as cold . Lynn crouched in front of the sole spot of warmth , right in front of the wood stove . She couldn 't see it , but what little heat it gave off warmed her face and fingers . By memory and feel , she found the coiled metal grip of the door handle and pulled it to the side . The hinges protested a bit , metal on metal , and then the dull red glow from inside spread out around the door and restored her vision . The remains of the last two logs pulsed and glowed with a deep red light beneath the black and white ash . Flickers of yellow flames danced across the coals and vanished . Lynn tossed in the new log . A cascade of red sparks swarmed upward like angry bees , and eager yellow flames flickered back to life , sipping at the wood with the delicacy of hummingbirds . Lynn shoved the door closed and grimaced when the metal squealed again . Surely the man wouldn 't hear the noise over the snow storm blowing outside or see the brief bit of light seeping out the cracks between the shutters that protected the windows . By now he must have given up and moved on , realizing that she 'd never open the door and let him in . She bit her lip and shook her head . She had already told herself she wouldn 't fall for his tricks . He had shown up after she put the kids down to bed , knocking on the door and claiming that he was Jack , her husband . But that wasn 't true . Jack couldn 't have found her , and wouldn 't have looked anyway . Whoever the man was outside , he wasn 't Jack , and she wasn 't going to let him anywhere near her children . Three more knocks against the door , hard and fast , as if he was angry . Lynn hugged her arms tight . The door was thick wood , barred with a four - inch thick wood bar . The shutters on the inside of the windows were also thick and locked tight with iron bars . Whoever this man was he wasn 't going to get into the cabin easily . She felt guilty about not letting him in given the conditions outside but what was she supposed to do ? Risk her children ? And he was up to no good , trying to claim he was Jack . He didn 't even sound like Jack . She heard his footsteps retreat from the door on the wood porch . Then his footsteps came fast and hard , boots pounding against the planks . A loud thud as he smashed against the door . It held . Between him and that door , she bet on the door . If he kept that up , he 'd probably break his bones before the thick planks that made up the door . In the dark , she couldn 't see it , but she knew the massive iron - bound door well from memory . It was one of the things she had loved about the place when she first saw the cabin . Lynn padded silently through the front room by memory . Past the large leather couch , across the colorful rugs woven from alpaca wool , to the entrance to the dining room , kitchen and the hall to the back bedrooms . She stepped down from the wood floor to the stone floor and turned left down the hall . Through her thin slippers , she felt the cold of the stone against her feet . The air back here was much colder too . Since the generator died , she hadn 't been able to run the fans that circulated air through the cabin and the small fire she kept going in the wood stove wasn 't nearly hot enough to heat the entire cabin up . By feel , she found the first bedroom door . Michael 's room , the padlock cold beneath her fingers . No sounds from inside . Good , he must be asleep . Next down the hall was Tina 's room . Again she found the padlock and listened for any sign that the man had disturbed her children . Nothing at all . Across the hall , she found Briana 's room . Little Briana , with her dark curls . The lock was secure , her room silent . Lynn breathed a little easier . She shivered with the cold in the hallway . At least the kids were asleep . She went silently back to the kitchen . After all of these months when the sun didn 't rise she knew the cabin well enough to find her way around without lights . In the kitchen , she went to the stove and reached out for the tea kettle . Her hand brushed the cold hard plastic handle . She lifted it up and shook it . It felt heavy and solid in her hand , no sound of sloshing water . It must have frozen solid again . She put it back down and reached up in the dark for the matchbox she kept on the second shelf . Her questing fingers found the cardboard , and she took the box down , slid it open and selected a match . She struck it on the side of the box , and the kitchen sprang into view as if magic had simply created it out of the darkness . The thick granite counter top with her tea mug sitting beside the stove , the rich wood paneling of the walls and the gleaming dishes on the open shelves above , all formed by the flickering yellow light of the match . Lynn turned the knob for the burner and heard the propane gas hiss out . The smell tickled her nose . She extended the match , and blue flames sprang up around the burner . She shook the match out and slid the tea kettle back onto the burner . The blue flames cast weak light out from beneath the tea kettle , only enough for her to see dim outlines of the kitchen . Not enough to draw the attention of the man outside , even if he made his way around to the back side of the cabin . At least the propane still worked . With the generator down she didn 't have any power . The pipes had frozen already , leaving her melting snow on top of the wood stove for water . Except now she couldn 't even get snow because of the man pretending to be her husband outside . She had a few gallons of melted snow lined up along the wall by the wood stove . It 'd last for a couple of days if they were careful , but beyond that , she 'd need to get more snow . By then she wouldn 't need to worry about the man outside anymore . He was out in the worst of the cold and the storm . He couldn 't stay there and survive . Soon he had to give up and move on if he had any sense . She didn 't dare risk letting him in . A sharper thud hit the door as if he had used something else to hit the door instead of his shoulder . Lynn went silently to the opening to the front room and listened . Whack ! Again he hit the door . It sounded like wood striking wood . He must have gotten a piece of firewood from the pile and was using it as a battering ram . She stepped up into the front room and walked closer to the door . The meager light from the stove didn 't reach so far . Whack ! She jumped a little when he hit the door again . He yelled , a wordless enraged cry . It sounded loud even through the thick door and walls . She turned away from the front room and took a couple of shaky steps back toward the kitchen . The glass shattered behind her . Lynn shrieked and flinched away . Whatever he was using hit the shutters next . The shutters held against the blow , but it sounded much louder than when he hit the door . " Let me in , before I freeze ! " With the glass shattered his voice sounded clear as if he had entered the room with her . It certainly didn 't sound like Jack . This man sounded like a life - long smoker with a harsh rasp to his voice , and Jack had never smoked so much as a single cigarette . She kept moving and stepped carefully down into the kitchen . The cold felt like it had frozen her clothes and left her bare . She hurried over to the stove and held her hands out above the kettle . The heat felt so good it hurt , but the water wasn 't hot yet . She stayed there and hunched over the kettle for what little warmth the stove produced . She didn 't want to go back into the front room by the wood stove because the man outside might hear her walking across the wood floors . " I don 't understand , " the man said . He could have been standing in the doorway to the kitchen , hidden by the darkness . " I know what I did was wrong , but you can 't leave me out here . I 'm so cold . My car won 't start . Please , let me in . " No . Lynn shook her head . No , no , no . She had to think about the children . She had locked their doors to keep them safe , but if he got in , he might find the key . No . The kettle started to whistle . She turned off the burner . The last of the light vanished . It didn 't matter . She held her cup and poured by feel . A few drops of water dripped on her hand , but she ignored the brief flares of pain . The drops cooled so quickly that they wouldn 't even burn . She put the kettle back and carried her tea toward the front room . She stopped right at the doorway and sipped the rapidly cooling tea . It wouldn 't have time to steep properly . " I 'm so cold . " His voice sounded weak , defeated . He had to move on now . " I can 't feel my feet or fingers . " He laughed , a hollow , empty sound like air escaping a balloon . " I think my nose is frozen too . Probably going to end up with a hole in my face . " Lynn stepped carefully into the front room . She took each step one at a time , trying not to make any noise at all . She shivered so much that some tea spilled on her fingers but it had already cooled enough not to burn . Her teeth chattered . Lynn sipped the tea again as she made her way over to the wood stove . She sank onto the floor in front of it and put her mug down on the bricks . It hardly gave off any heat now . If she wanted to keep it going , she needed to add more wood , but there wasn 't much left . Four or five logs lay in the holder beside the stove . Enough to get through the night if she was careful . When morning came , she 'd have to risk going out again for more wood . The question startled her , sounding like a whisper in her ear . She listened , but the only other sound she heard was the wind against the broken window . At least she had the shutters to keep out the worst of it and the snow . Lynn picked up the mug and drank the cooling tea . When morning came , she 'd take a look outside and see if the man was still around . If it looked clear , then she could get more wood and build up the fire . The kids would like that . Crack ! The log split beneath the ax into two smaller pieces that toppled onto the snow lit by the battery - powered lantern . Lynn bent down and picked up one , tossed it to the porch , and then the second . That one rolled against the foot of the man . He didn 't react , of course , he was frozen solid when she peeked out this morning . She 'd have to do something about him , but she couldn 't move him . He was a big guy , over six feet tall with a broad chest and a long bristly gray beard . As big as Jack , but otherwise nothing like her husband . She picked up the next log and put it in position . She heard the whine of snowmobiles and leaned on the ax . Lights danced around in the trees . Lynn watched warily . The snowmobiles were following the drive up to the cabin . Friends of the man on the porch ? She picked up the ax and the lantern and ran up onto the porch . She kicked the logs ahead of her into the house . She got inside and shoved the door mostly closed , then turned out the lantern . She 'd shut and bar the door if she needed to . It was probably too much to hope for help . The snowmobiles came out of the woods and coasted up to the cabin next to the cars buried by the drifting snow . Her car and the one the man had driven up to the cabin . In the lights from the snowmobiles , she saw that the men wore the brown of the sheriff 's uniform . A sob escaped her lips . Lynn grabbed the lantern and turned it on . A deep chill settled into Lynn 's chest . She coughed . " Jack ? That 's not possible . It isn 't him . It 's somebody pretending to be him . " The kids ! Lynn started toward the house , but the policeman held onto her arm . She looked down at his hand . " Let go . I need to check on them . " The policeman by the body , which wasn 't Jack , it couldn 't be Jack , stood up and disappeared into her house . A few seconds later she heard a crash and splintering wood . Then silence . After a moment another crash , more wood splintering and then again . Then rapid footsteps and Stu ran out of the house . " Boss , it 's bad . The bedrooms , she had them padlocked shut . I busted them down , but it 's an icebox in there . The kids , um , they 're all froze up , just like him . " Lynn shook her head . " What ? No . They 're sleeping . You 're all mixed up . What kind of policemen are you ? They 're sleeping , and whoever that man is on the porch , he 's not my husband ! " " Get on the radio , Stu . Get a snow - cat up here with the coroner . " She tried to pull away , but he twisted her arms back behind her . She felt cold metal snap around her wrist . The policeman shoved her back to the snowmobiles instead and made her sit . Lynn slumped on the seat with her breath fogging in the light from the other snowmobile . These policemen were crazy ! That wasn 't Jack . It couldn 't be . And the kids ? She laughed and shook her head . Just sleeping , that 's all . It must be the dark . In the dark , the policeman just couldn 't see the truth . Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on February 13 , 2017February 12 , 2017Categories Free Fiction , Short StoryTags 2011Stories , Horror Daily Thoughts 72 : Powerless I 'm busy these days with the iSchool . I spent time today reading in the car while Kate took Xander with her to take care of the shopping . We ended up with a bit of a traumatic event . She texted , asking me to come in to take Xander to the restroom . I escorted him in and he finished his business first and went to wash his hands , not realizing I wasn 't following him . Then he thought ( for some inexplicable reason ) that I had already gone out . He went out , didn 't see me , and panicked ! I heard him yell . By the time I zipped and went after him , he had already bolted down the hallway yelling for me . I gave chase . Helpful folks pointed which way he 'd gone . He 'd already made it down the line of registers hollering for me before he heard me and turned around . It 's a powerless feeling when your kid suddenly takes off . It 's a fun DC comedy series with Alan Tudyk and Vanessa Hudgens . I wasn 't familiar with Hudgens . I mostly wanted to watch it because of Tudyk , and it looked funny . It 's silly . Everyone in the city is jaded because of the constant superhero destruction and Hudgens 's team must come up with inventions to protect people . I 'll be curious to see where it turns up . |
June 26 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 12 : Journey to the Virgin Isle Jared turned in his sleep , reaching for the other man , only to find the bed empty . He opened his eyes and noted the sun was beginning to rise . He knew the duke was an early riser . Hell , they both were . Dressing quickly , the baron hurried down stairs to find the rooms still dark . He walked towards the office and opened the door . Jensen was sitting at the desk , several candles lit close by so he could see the material he was reading . The duke was quiet for a moment , studying the baron . " Fine . It isn 't safe this far north . The king hasn 't sent men to guard the roads . " The hazel eyes flashed in anger . " I thought you knew him better than that . Why don 't we wait and see . I can promise you this , he won 't whore you out . " " Because he owes me . He told me that you would be good for me . He 's not going to give what is mine to every man in the army . " The younger man swallowed with some difficulty and stammered , " I . . I told you . I . . I 'm not yours . I . . I belong to no man . " Jared smiled , " We 'll see . I imagine your early breakfast is ready . We can meet with Jason when he gets here . At least get the repairs started . " The day passed swiftly . Jessica ensconced herself in the library . Jensen sent a courier to the Sister who ran the Virgin Isle , informing her of their arrival the next evening . The meeting with Jason went well . His people began tilling the soil , adding dried grasses and turning the burnt materials into the dirt . He sent out a letter to the man overseas who sold him the original apple trees . He would see what was available and the costs . He asked if there were saplings or older that could be shipped and planted . Jared watched the duke bite his lower lip . Sighing , the man answered the widow , " You are going to be staying at the Virgin Isle . They provide everything . " Jensen was still very pale as he responded to the angry woman , " Select riding clothes as we will not be taking a carriage . You will be confined in your rooms tonight . I have no intention of hunting for you so I am making sure you stay put . " " The only whore at this table is you , Jensen ! First that vagabond , then Sarah wasn 't good enough for you , then the King , and now you share a bed with him ! " Jessica looked at Jared , who nodded at his second . Jensen rose and walked out of the dining room , heading for the front doors . He walked around the back of the building , trying to calm himself . Entering the stables , he asked for his horse to be saddled . Jared ran down the stairs and out the front door . He saw the man coming around the corner of the house . Hurrying towards him , Jared mounted his stallion and rode towards the gate . Jared headed out the gate towards the direction the duke had taken . Both men were riding hard . The warrior did not know the area as well as the younger man . Cursing under his breath , he urged his horse to go faster . Jared urged his horse to go even faster . Soon the duke heard the horse 's hooves on the hard packed earth . He looked back , recognizing the rider . Sighing , he reined in and waited . Jared looked at the other man and saw him wince . Memories of the widow 's accusations flooded his mind . He calmed down and spoke softly , " Jensen , you are none of those things . You did not need to run away . " " I want to . Let 's go home ; we need a good night 's rest before we deal with tomorrow . If I return the reins , will you promise not to ride off ? " Early the next morning , Jensen woke and slipped out of the bed . The sun was barely rising . He dressed for travel and headed down the stairs , noticing his luggage alongside Jared 's in the hallway . The green eyes looked at him ; attempting to read his intentions . The duke returned his gaze east , watching the golden light of the sun as it rose over the trees in the distance . " I hope I have that chance , " his voice shook slightly . " You may not be , but you know it 's a long ride to the east coast . We will only stop once to eat before we arrive . You need to keep up your strength . Jessica will not go easy on you . " The large group headed out an hour later . Jared , Jensen , and Christian rode together . The second had the reins of Jessica 's horse . Her hands were tied to the pommel . The first hour was quiet , and Jensen was grateful for it . As the sun went higher in the sky , Jessica began her complaints . She called out to anyone they passed , asking for help . She would scream and tell them she was kidnapped . Several times , they were stopped . Jared took command and told the men who stopped them that she was being taken to a convent . Jensen was rigid , his face white , and Jared knew this had to stop before the duke exhausted himself trying to control his temper and emotions . They rode for six hours and found a shaded spot to stop and eat . Ackles dismounted and led his horse to a stream near where they stopped . He ran his hands over the animal with his kerchief , wiping any sweat and dust from its coat . He whispered near the horse 's ear , and the animal 's ears flicked up . Jared led his horse over and let it drink . He watched the other man 's tender care of his animal and smiled , wondering how he would respond if he was in love . The baron was determined to find out . " I imagine the new king will just give you the land and whore my brother - in - law out then . He 's had several lovers . I can 't imagine the king giving his commander someone who is experienced . " The baron turned to stare at the man sitting next to him . Jensen 's head was lowered , and his hands were fisted . The man was shaking . As the boat pulled up to the beach , Jensen walked over to a post that held a bell . Reaching up to the rope , he rang the bell three times . Returning to the others , he murmured , " Now we wait . " " Of course , I know . I make it a point to know about those I have financial dealings with . Jensen , I do not judge you for who or what you are . I know only that you have not freely given yourself to anyone . You are generous , kind , and are a good master to your people . " Jared turned towards the duke and put a hand on his lower back , " Let 's go , Jensen . It 's over for good . She 's gone . " The younger man stiffened again and quickly ate his food . He rose and went towards the large tent . Stripping to his underclothes , he lay on the quilts and pulled another one over him . Jared walked up the stairs and turned towards the widow 's chambers . He unlocked the door and stepped inside . Walking over to the woman , he untied her and removed the gag . The duke took it as a dismissal and frowned . " I 'm busy at the moment , my lord . I didn 't order a normal dinner for tonight . " Jared and Chris were in the lounge waiting on the other two diners . At 6 : 15 , Jensen entered the lounge . He cleaned up nice , the baron thought as he watched him walk over to the couch and sit down . The two warriors entered the dining room and joined the man seated at the head of the table . Jared looked at the man and watched him taste the wine Steve poured for him . He smiled and nodded , and the servant poured for the other two . Jensen looked up and stared at her . " You were told the time , Jessica . I am not Josh nor am I my father . The meal was served , and we are dining . I do not like cold food unless it is supposed to be cold . Join us . I imagine it 's only lukewarm by now . " " No . You won 't . You were set free to roam the house . You were told when dinner would be served . Now sit down and join us . " Jared rose and watched the widow who was still eating . The duke looked at her , knowing he 'd given her plenty of time to finish . It was intentional . " You are not the mistress of this house , Jessica . It is customary for the ladies to leave the table before the men . You 've had time to eat . We are going to the lounge for a brandy . Since you have not learned any manners by your incarceration , you may return to your room after you finish . " Jensen returned his gaze to the two men . " Gentlemen ? " Jared sat in one of the comfortable chairs , and his second on the other sofa . He watched the foot be placed on the table in surprise . His only thought was the duke had to be more relaxed than he previously was . The duke interrupted the silence by bringing up some needs of the estate and what had to be done soon . It was the first time he broached the topic with the baron . Jared was pleasantly surprised . The conversation continued with the baron 's promise to meet with the secretary on the morrow . Jensen rose and refilled his glass . Turning with the decanter , he poured more for the others . It was quiet upstairs . Ackles walked toward his chambers and entered his room . He sat down on a chair and began to remove is boots , grateful that his shoulder had healed enough to allow his doing so without pain . He stripped off his clothes and hung them in the wardrobe , placing his boots beneath them . Walking towards the dresser , he found a clean night shirt and was about to don it when his door opened . Jared closed the door and walked towards the two . He saw the shock on the other man 's face . Looking down at the woman on the floor , he grinned . Jared grabbed his arm and stopped him . " If you need to continue to cover your nakedness around me , then just keep your undergarment on . I would sleep better if I had your bare chest against mine . " The baron took the night shirt and ripped it at its seams . He moved closer and picked the baron up and tossed him on the bed . The entire occurrence shocked the man . Jensen stiffened when he felt the other man 's naked flesh against him . A hand suddenly began rubbing circles against his lower back , and he found himself relaxing . It felt comforting , and the feeling of being protected almost frightened him . He 'd never allowed such feelings before . The sound of complete silence filled the duke 's chambers . Jared watched the man in front of him on the floor . Jensen 's eyes were wide , and the baron could almost see his mind working . He knew he had probably gone too far . " Morgan gave me to you , " came the quiet statement . " That 's why you 've said the things you 've said . You can keep me from other men because … " " Jensen , I 've learned a good deal about you . When Morgan made the offer , I refused . He offered it to the men ; Pellegrino won , and I regret that . If I had not been angry over my brother 's death , your lands would still be intact . " Jensen looked up and grimaced . He turned to his side and using his right arm , pushed himself to his knees and then to his feet . He looked into the other man 's hazel eyes and dared him with a green glare from his own . Jared shut the door to the duke 's chambers and walked down the stairs . He found Christian in the lounge . His second looked up from a book he was reading . Nodding , the other man left the lounge . Jared knew Jensen was outside . Smiling , he headed towards the front door . Jensen was not there . Looking around , he began to worry . He turned to enter the house as Ackles walked out . The two men collided . " I 'm going for another ride . I saw part of your estate today . I thought I would join you and see what needs to be done . " " Damn you , Padalecki ! I won 't marry you . I may be the king 's gift to you , but I won 't become what my mother was . I 'll die first . " " If Pellegrino gets his hands on you , you 'll wish you were . Life with me won 't be that bad , Jensen . I 've asked your neighbors to come for lunch tomorrow . We can discuss some kind of trade or payment for food and supplies . I don 't intend to have you relinquish control of the estate . You retain your title . You know and love this land ; we will both prosper with you in control of it . " " Once we are married , I will be involved . We discuss everything . Nothing is done without that . I 'll bow to your knowledge of the estate and your decisions , but guests , parties , trips , and what happens in our bedroom will by my decision . " The baron smiled and reached out and grabbed the duke 's chin firmly . He moved closer and felt the man stiffen . He liked the fact that the smaller man still had some fight in him . Leaning in , he kissed Jensen 's neck and began to bite and suckle it with the intention of marking him . Jared never saw the fist . Looking up from the ground , he rubbed his jaw . Both of the duke 's hands were fisted , and his face looked rebellious . " Most of the books in the library have been there for a while . Some of the former masters were well read . I have continued the tradition of being well read . I may not have the degree , my lord , but I am not stupid or unlearned . " ' First off , I lost my home when I was a child . I 've been a soldier most of my life . But you … you intrigue me . I wanted to know you before I killed you for the loss of my brother . Second , I met you that night in the War Room . Even that small encounter piqued my interest more . The next morning , all I could think of was you killed my brother and betrayed Morgan . Lastly , Morgan told me that you were not responsible for what happened to my brother . I found out why you betrayed the king . Your father ordered you to serve Sebastian . Someone told me how you were repaid . Then Manns told me why you did not go to Caerdon when commanded . " Jensen kept his head straight , looking forward . All he could think of was Sebastian 's guards had talked . No one would believe it was against his will . Only a few had known but now everyone would . His hand on the reins shook slightly , but he kept the emotions inside . " All right , " the duke 's voice trembled . " You want a home . I can understand that , but I 'm not interesting . Not really . " Jared figured he 'd start with the help before he talked to the secretary . Walking towards the kitchen , he tried to figure out why he was taking such an interest in the duke . Something drew him to the man . He made up his mind that he was going to find out Jensen 's past and why he was the way he was . He heard voices in the kitchen and entered the servants ' domain . The talking stopped the minute he walked through the door . The baron looked around at the spotless kitchen and saw the cook and butler having a cup of tea at the kitchen table . " He had a very bad confrontation with the widow after his bath . She found us near his bed , and he was clad only in a towel . It wasn 't a very pretty sight . " " My healer tended his wound . I made sure he ate most of his meal , and gave him a sleeping draught . He 's resting . I doubt he slept much last night . " " At the convent , " Jared answered . He sipped his tea , quiet for a moment . " I want to help Jensen . The king plans to marry him off to one of his men . " " I want to know who and what has hurt him . He is intelligent and knows how to care for this land and his people , but he 's also incredibly sensitive and builds a solid wall around himself . Why ? " " His mother was never well after giving birth to him . When she died , the duke blamed the boy . Jensen 's brother was well tutored but he didn 't do well with schooling , " the butler spoke softly . " He wasn 't supposed to be , but the teacher taught him anyway . He told me over breakfast that the young master almost drank the knowledge . The duke never let him get higher learning . Master Joshua joined the regiment . His father bought him a captaincy . " At that moment , Jason Manns entered the kitchen . " I can answer that . Jensen was nineteen . As far as I know , there had been no dalliances in his life . " Jared was quiet , knowing what he had learned at the palace about Ackles ' last meeting with King Sebastian . He wondered how badly the duke was torn inside . It takes time for those wounds to heal . Jason 's hand shook as he picked up his cup of tea and took a drink . He looked at the large man who was asking all the questions about the new duke . His voice held a tremor as he replied , " The duke had both of them dragged to the main barn , and he made Jensen watch as they stripped the man he 'd kissed and tied him to the main pole in the barn . He had him beaten to death . " Jared 's eyes closed as he winced . Anger welled up inside him . His voice was harsh as he asked , " Is it a crime in this country or just on this estate ? " " He was forced into a loveless marriage to Sarah Sheppard . Her father was knighted by King Sebastian . The marriage was annulled by the church . The girl said he was useless in the bedroom ; it made him a laughingstock . " The baron was quiet and thought over everything he had heard , remembering back to the first time he 'd met Ackles . His mind went forward to all he had learned about the man in Caerdon . Jensen 's actions when his keep was attacked , and his valiant attempt to protect his nephew and heir had earned respect . Jared looked at the woman and spoke vehemently , " Not if I can help it . " He turned and left the room . " He didn 't kill him . Pellagrino was fighting Ackles . Let 's just say Ackles was winning , and the bastard pulled my brother in front of him to take the blade . There was no time to stop . " " While I give Jensen time to adapt to me , I want to encourage him to start repairs . This is his land and people . I heard that Pellagrino would not let the neighboring lairds near the estate to help the man . I want to have a meeting with them . Invite the men to lunch tomorrow . " " You don 't need to be so quiet , Baron . She could awaken the dead , " the sleepy voice commented . The green eyes opened and stared at the tall man looking down at him . A slight smile flickered across the younger man 's face . Jared felt his heart leap . " I like that idea , " came a soft reply . The warrior nodded and walked to the door . Stepping into hallway , the baron walked to the head of the stairs , " Travis , would you ask Christian to bring some rope and a make a ball gag from some of it . " Jensen used his right arm to push himself to a sitting position . He turned to where his feet were hanging off the bed . He felt slightly light headed and closed his eyes in an attempt to calm the feeling . He rose to his feet and held onto the bed for a moment . Walking over to the wardrobe , the duke pulled a blouse and some work trousers off the hooks . He went to his chest of drawers and found undergarments and hose . He could hear shouts and screams coming from Jessica 's room . His eyebrows rose , and he sat on the bed and listened . Suddenly , all was quiet . Jensen sighed and started to dress slowly . He was perspiring by the time he managed to place his left arm through the sleeve of the blouse and put his boots on . He heard his door open and the man who had him so confused stuck his head in . He had a large smile on his face and Jensen stared at him in surprise . ' My God , he has dimples , ' went through his thoughts . Ackles blushed . He rose to his feet and walked towards the door . As he passed the taller man , he was stopped as the warrior grabbed his arm and brought him to a standstill . Ackles stood frozen , unable to move . When he felt the baron 's tongue enter his mouth , he fought to hold back a moan . He didn 't want this . Did he ? He felt the warrior 's hand moving over his body , touching , caressing . He panicked . Jared felt the smaller man stiffen suddenly and start to fight him . It was not in anger but fear . He sensed it in him . As suddenly , as he had grabbed Jensen , he let him go and the man stumbled and fell to the floor . " I 'm sorry , Jensen . I wasn 't thinking about what you 've been through . I wanted to just taste you . I 'm so sorry . " The duke finally tried to sit up , his anger and despair forcing him to finally face the truth . His face was red and splotchy . Jared stood up and grabbed a clean towel and moistened it in the water basin . He leaned back down and wiped the weeping man 's face . Jensen woke early and prepared to leave the convent to travel back to the keep . He heard loud voices in the entrance hall . Entering the hall , he slipped into a corner to listen . " Not while I am here , Reverend Mother . I saw the baron and some of his men searching for Ackles . One of my men has gone to inform him that the man has been found . " " It won 't matter what the new king has decided . This is my judgment . I do not want the stink of your name to be on anyone 's lips . I want to regain what you stole from me . With you gone , I will get my opportunity . No one will dare to interfere in my life again . " Jensen finally stood nose to nose with the priest . The green eyes of the young lord bore into the gray of the older man . Jensen slowly smiled and moved swiftly , pulling the Monsignor in front of him , a knife at the man 's throat . Jensen kicked the priest in the back of the knee , bringing the man down to the floor and pulling his sword as he raced down the dark hallway towards the rear exit . He 'd told the stable - hand to have his horse ready early when he had arrived . He still had a good chance of getting away . Jensen saw the door in the distance but felt someone grab at him . He turned , placing his back against the wall , and the battle began . He was leaving a pile of bloody bodies and felt guilt at doing so in a sacred place . One the men managed to pierce his left shoulder . He grimaced and took the man down . The duke turned and ran towards the door . It took a moment to open it . Jensen stepped outside on the large stoop and took a breath , spotting his horse . Beyond the mount were seven mounted men . Jared slowly urged his mount forward , watching the chagrin on Ackles ' face . Suddenly , a man with a dagger appeared behind the duke . It was a priest . Jensen was winded and stayed still on the ground . He saw the large boots move towards him and winced as the boots stopped . He tried to lift his head up to stare , but it caused him to move his shoulders and pain seared through the left one . The commander rose to his feet and entered the doorway . Looking down the hall , he nearly smiled . The duke was a fighter and a damned good one . Leaning out the door , he told his second to have the men clear the bodies . " I am having my men clear the bodies . The floor and the walls will need to be cleaned . I will have Father Kevin come and do last rights . " " Oh , I know . He 's quite a swordsman . You wouldn 't think it to look at him , but he 's a strong man . " " No , it 's not . The man he will marry will help him run the land , but Jensen will still remain the duke . The decisions will be mutual . " " I am going to send a messenger to Morgan and let him know I have the keep . I am going to allow Jensen the time for his arm to heal and to rest . We shall leave for Caerdon on the first of the month . " Jensen remained still as his arm was tended to . The only movement Christian noticed was when he put the manacles on the duke 's wrists . A shiver ran through the man . The baron walked towards Ackles and watched him stiffen . They were soon face to face , and the duke did not look up at him . Jared reached towards the face and grabbed his chin , pulling his head up until they were staring at each other . He thought he saw a glimpse of fear in the green eyes , but Jensen had quickly schooled his countenance and the eyes turned steely . The green eyes widened at the use of his name . He slowly turned and was soon astride his horse . Jared stayed a horse length in front of him and Christian was partially even , about a half a length from the head of the duke 's stallion . Jensen remained quiet ; his thoughts were running rampant at the moment . There were ways to escape . He knew the land and the people would help him . BUT … there always had to be that . They might take vengeance on the people . With no one to protect the estate , it would become a ruin . He sighed softly . Jared looked at the butler , " Prepare a meal for us and have it brought to the duke 's chambers . Prepare a bath for him . " Looking at Christian , he softly said , " Bring our healer . He will know more about sword wounds then the estate one will . " Jo was on the landing , carrying some towels for the bath . Her eyes widened when she saw her lord . The young woman gave a quick curtsey . Jared reached into his pocket and took out the key and handed it to her . Looking at Jensen , he asked , " Is she allowed out now ? " Jo took the towels into Jensen 's chambers and left . The two men entered the rooms . Looking around , the duke saw several of Jared 's things and closed his eyes , gritting his teeth . His only thought was he would not give in without a fight . " Morgan has made it clear you are not to be violated , Jensen . I am only going to help you due to your injury . Since you have no intention of escaping , I 'll also remove the manacles . " A knock on the door preempted any reply . Steve entered with several other men , all carrying pans of hot water . After they left , Jared unbound the wound and helped Jensen undress when it was needed . He turned his back and waited until the man was completely naked and in the tub in the adjoining chamber . Jensen did not take long to bathe . The wound was seeping blood , and it hurt abominably . He just wanted to make sure that he was clean and the wound wouldn 't get infected ; the duke was grateful it wasn 't his sword arm . He stepped out of the tub and reached for a large towel . Drying off , he found himself trembling slightly . He was reacting too much to the nearness of the baron . It bothered him , and he had no understanding of what was happening . He did not want to like the man . He refused to , but the warrior was getting under his skin . He entered his room , a towel wrapped around his lower body , when the raucous occurred . There was screaming and the sound of dishes breaking . Before either man could react the door was swung open and Jessica stormed in . She stopped , seeing the warrior standing at the foot of the bed and then looked at her brother - in - law . " Your father was right then . You are a bloody sodomite and a whore . " Jared strode across the floor and slapped the woman , knocking her to the floor . He reached down and grabbed an arm , dragging her out of the room . They reached her room and found Jo attempting to clean up the broken dishes and food on the floor . " Leave it , Jo . She 's hungry and that 's her meal . " Jared turned to the vicious woman sitting on the floor . " I am going to marry Jensen , and he will continue to be the duke of Avenleigh . You will be removed . I will not tolerate any verbal attacks or slander against him . I have the king 's ear . Do you understand ? " Jessica stared at him but refused to reply . The baron released the woman 's hand and walked over to Jo , " Give me the key . She will be attended when I say so . She will eat when I say so . Leave us . " He left the room and locked the door . Walking back to the duke 's chambers , he tried to calm his anger . Entering the room , he found Jensen huddled on the floor . Kneeling down , he pulled the man into his arms and held him . A knock was heard . Steve entered with food and placed it on the table , and Jared 's healer was behind him . Neither man made a comment about the two on the floor . Jared helped Jensen sit on the bed , and the healer tended the sword wound . The warrior watched the young man 's face and knew the pain he had to be feeling . After the healer left , Jared walked to the wardrobe and opened it . Ackles sighed , slowly rising from the bed . Jared told him to lift his arms and placed the shirt over his head and arms . As he pulled it down , the towel fell to the floor . " Let 's eat , " the taller man stated and made sure the duke got to the table without any mishap . They ate in silence for a while . Jared watched the man across from him . The woman had opened a wound that had not healed and was festering . The baron gave the young lord a sleeping draught and tucked him into bed . He headed out of the room with the plan to dig into Jensen 's past . No one should suffer like the young duke was suffering . He had no idea that Jared had ridden up the gate . Jessica was outside with Ben and told the men she would notify the duke . She stepped inside for a moment and left her son with Travis before she went to meet the baron . Jared was learning a lot of things from the young widow . One thing he knew for sure ; the woman would not live under his roof . The second was he would not support her . He looked up and saw Jensen running towards the gate and had to bite back a smile . He was enjoying the game they were playing . Sooner or later he would break the duke 's calm , and there was no telling what he would learn . Jensen stopped in front of her . He took several breaths . Closing his eyes for a second , the panic on his face stiffened almost as if made of stone . The duke looked up at Jared and saw the hazel eyes staring at him with a question in them . Ackles wasn 't sure what he was asking , but he knew what he had to do in front of this warrior and his men . He walked up to the woman and picked her up , throwing her over his shoulder . Jessica started screaming , hitting the duke 's back with her fists , and kicking with her feet . Jensen did not stop . He reached the door of the house and kicked at it . It was opened by a surprised Travis , who watched the man carry her up the stairs to her room . Jensen threw the woman on her bed and stood there . The widow stood up and began to rant at him . He grabbed her wrist , pulled her towards him and sat on the bed . He pulled her hard , and she landed across his lap . Lifting the top layers of her clothes , he proceeded to give her a spanking . The duke walked outside and stood in the center of the yard . He needed to know what she had told the baron , but there was no one to ask . Turning , he looked at the gate and found that Jared was still standing there . Surprise crossed his face , and he walked towards his enemy . Jared smiled , knowing Ackles had to be completely disconcerted . He had no idea what the woman had been saying . It gave the baron an advantage . Jensen had to talk now . The duke stopped close to the gate . Jared could reach in and touch him this time . The man 's face was stone cold , but the eyes spoke volumes . Suddenly , several men appeared and were met by a drawn sword . The fight ensued . A tall man appeared from behind and grabbed the black cloth from the face of the lone man . Jensen waited until the men were gone . He whistled and the black horse came cantering towards him . He walked over to the horse , and mounted , sword still on the baron . " I need sanctuary for the night , reverend mother . I desperately need protection for Ben and a letter sent to my uncle in the north country . Will you help me ? " Jensen 's green eyes were moist . " Jessica betrayed us . I have to protect Ben . The baron knows I will discuss terms tomorrow , but he will be looking for me . I need sanctuary until I can get back home . " Ackles 's voice trembled . " He 's already in it by now . I just need a safe place to the get the letter written and some time to pray . I 'll leave here in the morning ; I don 't want to bring you trouble . " " No , not really . It 's me they want . They need my title to have ownership of the land . Morgan plans to marry me off to one of his men . " " Your Lord may not understand this , but King Jeffrey 's punishment is not harsh . He could have had him tortured or sold into slavery . He 's not going to be drawn and quartered or beheaded . I have to take him to Caerdon , and he has to bow to the king and swear his loyalty . " Jared stopped when the secretary snorted . He stared at the man and Jason commented , " If the king had immediately taken care of the needs of the common people , Jensen would have been the first on his knees before him . As far as our Lord is concerned , he is not any different than Sebastian . " " I do not wish a guest room , reverend mother . I would prefer one of the cots near the sanctuary . I 'm heading home early in the morning . " June 24 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 6 : The Aspects of War Chapter Text It rained the day they buried Jensen 's family . He stood by the graveside after everyone had left , tears mixing with the raindrops . He slowly walked to the keep from the family cemetery and didn 't bother to lift his head . He watched the ground at his feet . " You started packing to move to Caerdon as soon as they prepared my brother 's body for burial . He is your husband ; you are his widow . You are an Ackles , and I will not allow you to embarrass that name . " " You have one year of deep mourning . You will follow the traditions and wear black . After that , you wear gray . I am not going to allow you to embarrass my brother 's name and act like a trollop in Caerdon society like you were doing while I was overseas and Josh was in his regiment . I handle the estate and Josh 's portion . Most of it goes to Ben , not you . You will have the widow 's portion , and it will not support your frolicking . " Jensen stood , staring at her , water dripping from him to form a puddle on the floor . She looked at his face and saw no pity . Turning , she went back to the lounge . Jared walked the halls of the palace . He did not like place and had found a house in one of the quieter areas of the city . He was highly concerned that Pellegrino had won the right to go after Ackles . He was not sure that Ackles deserved what was coming . He had sent a few of his men into the area , and the young duke 's people spoke highly of him . He also knew that if anyone was going to get into that keep it would only happen if the man opened the gates and let them in . Morgan did not dislike the man . He was angry and hurt at the misplaced trust he 'd given him . From what the baron could tell , his king considered Ackles a friend . Queen Mary adored him , and she disliked most of the men who fought for them . Padalecki sent the two men back to the village of Avenleigh . One of them had brought the report to him , and it seemed that Pellegrino was at a standstill . He had had words with Ackles at the gate of the keep . The duke had listened politely to the captain 's ultimatum and then turned and walked away . Jensen was tired . The troops camping in his orchards were destroying the area . He had no means of recourse . He walked the parapet and his men left him alone , recognizing his mood . He had listened to the last ultimatum from Pellegrino with disgust . They had never gotten along . The Captain described to him how he planned to mount and ride him . It was how he found out what Morgan 's punishment was going to be . He informed the captain that he would turn him into a eunuch if he came near him again . Jensen 's head jerked up and he ran towards the front of the keep . Looking out , he saw flames envelope the orchards . They spread rapidly through the trees to the gardens and pasture lands . " That ass , Pelligrino , burned every acre of the lands of Avenleigh to the ground . He took out the orchards , pasture land , and the winter crops . Ackles had to stand on the parapet and watch everything he 's worked for go up in flames ! " " He dropped his sword , and Jensen backed off . Three of the men there were friends of your brother . They pulled their blades and attacked Ackles . In the fight that ensued , your brother was grabbed by one of his friends and pulled in front as a shield . It happened so fast that Jensen had no time to pull back . It was not his fault . " " He 's a beautiful man , Jared . He 's smart , witty , and a joy to be around . He also has the same preference as you in the bedroom . You lost everything . I 'm offering a husband and an estate . " Jensen stayed in his office for hours , going over every contract or agreement he had made with neighbors . He would have to call in favors . He closed his eyes and laid his head on the desk . Everything was gone . He had to find a way to feed the flocks that were in the keep . The village was safe for now . Their crops were not touched , and the duke was grateful for that . Several of the lords of the surrounding areas had made attempts to go to the gate and speak with him but Pellegrino was allowing no contact . He was confined in a trap of his own making . There had to be a way . Jensen had been in the back going over what was in the smoke house and the food storage . He came running around the side of the building and reached the gate . He could barely see what was happening . Swearing under his breath , he climbed to the walkway on the parapet . There was now a large assembly of men … an army . The duke felt nauseated when he saw the size . He tried to see the banner the new command traveled under , but the wind was barely blowing . Several hours passed , and Pellegrino 's men rode out . Jensen stared and then looked again at the new group who had settled in his ruins . He shook his head and climbed down off the parapet and headed back to the work he was doing . Jared had watched the man in the white shirt stand on the parapet . He wondered what was going through Ackles ' mind as the men who had ruined his estate rode off . The warrior studied the estate . It was solidly built and well - fortified . Morgan said not to damage anything . There had to be a way . He watched the man finally leave and figured he was just as curious . The next morning , Jared mounted his stallion . Christian and five warriors mounted their horses as well . One carried the Baron 's banner . He slowly rode towards the gate . He knew he had all the time in the world since Jensen was the one with a deadline . He had to figure out how to feed his people while locked in the keep . Jared had every intention of knowing the duke . He could read people and knew Morgan liked the man . He had to remember that . There had to be reasons behind everything Ackles had done . Ackles jumped to his feet and hurried out the door . He broke into a run and was at the gate before the men arrived . He did not recognize the banner . " We 've already met . I know your voice , and I can finally put a face to it . Morgan is right ; you are a beautiful man . " Jared shocked the young man as he broke out in laughter . " Is that what you threatened that fool with ? It would have served him right . I 've only come to talk . I 'm Padalecki . " Jensen did not know how to respond . The baron had to have at least four inches on him . He was Goliath , and Jensen felt like David . Only , there was no sling shot and no round stones . " I have only one question for the moment . Do you wish to let those who reside inside the keep leave under my protection ? I know your nephew and your brother 's widow are in there . " " I 'm not Pellegrino , and I will not harm your home or your people . You have to be wracking your brain , trying to figure out how to last the winter . I 'm offering a way out . " Jensen woke up early the next morning and checked on his nephew in the nursery . He walked downstairs and towards the kitchen . Travis was in the entrance and called to him . He sat down and lifted the lids on the dishes and helped himself to eggs , bacon , and potatoes . The toast was nicely browned and buttered . Steve , the kitchen help , entered with a pot of hot tea . " Thank you , Steve , " Jensen smiled as the tea was poured . He finished his meal in solitude , enjoying the quiet . As he rose from the table , a messenger arrived . The duke met him in the hallway where he took the missive and looked at the man . Jensen stood still holding the missive in his hand . He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly . Turning , he walked into the office and sat at the desk and stared at the envelope . He turned it over and saw a royal seal . It was not Sebastian 's . " I have lived in a royalist household my entire life . I obeyed my father and served our king as a spy in Morgan 's campaign . I like Morgan ; I hated what I had to do . My problem is that Sebastian left a horrible taste in my mouth when it comes to serving a king . If Morgan puts the people first and works to heal this country , I 'll serve him . But I will not swear fealty until he does . " " The headman of the village has family in Caerdon . I will use him . Thank you for the advice . Now , we need to harvest early . We will not get as plentiful a harvest , but I can 't guarantee what they will do . We will still have the Autumn harvest . Store it in the keep and ensure the flocks are kept in the nearer pastures . The watch towers are going to be manned . Send our tithe to the convent . We need to be prepared to bring the flocks and the people on the estate into the keep . " Jensen nodded , his mind already on the village and convent . He had a horse prepared and went to the village . Jensen spent the next two hours with the headman and several other men from the village . He knew they were not royalists , but they were loyal to him and would not support any raid against the keep . " You 've been good to us since you became steward . Now you 're the master of Avenleigh , we can 't support an attack against you . We can 't take sides , Your Grace , but we won 't back the new king in this either . " Two weeks later , Baron Padalecki and his men rode into Caerdon . They had taken on a job for the king , going after the remnants of Sebastian 's armies . There had been several groups but not near as many as expected . Many laid down their arms and surrendered . He entered the palace and asked for an audience . He was invited into the throne room and noticed it was packed with people . He stood near the throne and watched the lords of Saven kneel and pledge loyalty to Morgan . There was no expression on his face . When the northern contingent arrived , each man gave his oath . The viscount , who was still kneeling , interrupted , " My Lord , the oldest is not the heir . The transfer of title and property was done several weeks ago . The youngest has the land and title now . " " You are the last of the lords , Viscount . I thank all of you for your allegiance to us . I will try my best to be deserving of that . Chamberlain ? Call my Captains . " Jensen had been out seeing to the sharing of the harvests and going over escape routes if needed . He dreaded entering the keep . Jessica had been demanding money and transport to the capital and was throwing one tantrum after another when he refused . As he entered , he saw a wagon and several exhausted horses at the front . It was quiet outside . Dismounting , he tied his horse to the wagon and hurried into the house . The sounds of screams , shouts of anger , and crying assaulted him . He looked for Travis who was not at his post . Hurrying into the lounge , he found some wounded soldiers . Jensen ran to the library and found two of the long tables arranged with a body on each . He stood there , staring and finally noting that the servants had cleaned and dressed them . He walked over to his brother and reached out and touched his cheek . " Damn it , Josh ! You were supposed to be careful ! " He went to his knees , a loud wail escaping his throat . The duke began to cry . It began to grow dark , and Jensen finally rose to his feet and looked over at this father 's body . He felt no sorrow or a sense of loss . The emptiness there had a tinge of regret for what might have been . " Ask him to come to the office and find Father Kevin . We will need two graves prepared . Send someone to the stonecutter and ask for two tombstones . Give them the pertinent information . Where 's Jessica ? " The captains who led Morgan 's men arrived . They were competent men who led their armies fairly well . What made them a good military force was Baron Padalecki and his men . He was the commander . " Gentlemen , " Morgan spoke , causing the room to grow silent . " It would seem that our traitor , Jensen Ackles , is now the Duke of Avenleigh . He did not appear today . I have decided his fate . You may draw straws or however you want to decide , but you may each make an attempt to bring him to me . You do not harm his people or his estate for they live off what that estate produces . You bring him to me ; I will give him to you to marry and you will keep Avenleigh as yours . By the laws of this land , the estate cannot become yours without the marriage . Bring him to me . " Jensen awoke at sunrise and walked back to the keep , a determined look on his face . He used his key to open the latch on the front door , knowing the servants would just be starting their day . The younger son walked through the halls towards the kitchen where the staff would be eating their meal . The two men were gone the entire day . When they entered the keep , Jensen looked at his older brother . " I 'll see you the same time tomorrow . You will need to resign your commission . Avenleigh needs her master in residence . " Entering the room , the younger Ackles nodded to the lawyers and stood at back of the room . He noticed his brother standing near the window , one hand fisted around part of the drape . His sister - in - law was in one of the chairs near his father . He shook his head , knowing she would run through the money as fast as she could get her hands on it . Josh had no control over her . Jensen looked back at the lawyers when he heard his name mentioned . They gave an account of the estate under his stewardship . A slight smile crossed his face ; he had done well . " I 'm as bad at running this place as you were , Father . If Jensen had not taken on the stewardship , we would have lost Avenleigh . You and I may not love land like he does , but I saw enough this week to know it 's hard work . I am a soldier , and I do not want to give up my commission . Jensen has done all the work . He has taken undeserved criticism from you his entire life . Still , he stays and works like one of the serfs . He doesn 't just ride the property and give orders ; he gets dirty . He loves this place , and he should be the owner . I don 't want the title , and I won 't accept it . You are going to have to give in , Father . " Everyone was driven out of the office by the duke 's tirade . They gathered in the lounge . Jensen stood by the window , staring outside . Josh and his wife were arguing in the corner . The two lawyers watched the family with interest . Ackles returned to the lounge . " There will be a luncheon served in a few minutes . Father is already enjoying his , " he announced to the group . Jessica shoved past him and walked towards the dining room . " He doesn 't all the time . He just finds it easier to deal with difficult situations in this manner . He 's more like our mother . " The younger son 's eyebrows raised in surprise , and he walked forward . The lawyer handed him a stack of papers to sign . His green eyes widened , but he went through them quickly , signing where the lawyer pointed . He topped the hill and looked down into the glen where the large building stood . The morning sun shone down upon it . The stained glass in the sanctuary portion reflected the light . He moved his legs to urge the horse on and rode down the hill . The large doors were opened by a novice . He asked for the reverend mother and was escorted to an office near the sanctuary . A nun stepped out of the office and told the young man that the reverend mother was with someone and it would take a while . He nodded and said he would go into the sanctuary to pray . The doors to the sanctuary were large , heavy ones . He had to pull hard to open one . Once inside , he crossed himself and walked down the center aisle and knelt at the prayer bench in the front . He did not own a rosary and did not believe in praying them , but he did believe in the power of prayer . He crossed himself and rose to his feet . Turning , he strode down the aisle and out the door , following the sister . She knocked on the door and opened it , moving aside to allow the young man to enter . " The lawyers telling him I could bring the estate to a higher glory than it has . Josh vehemently turning it down . Jessica growing furious because the money would not be hers . " " Prepare the estate for a possible siege . Morgan has to have landed by now . We have heard nothing from Caerdon since the lawyers left . That 's four days depending on how fast they traveled . The last my father heard was from one of the king 's advisors , and it was sent by courier and beat me to the keep . " " If it goes as I believe it will , Morgan is going to take time to set up his government . He has to establish his rule before he comes after me . He will send one of his captains to bring me in . " " He should have been defrocked , but he wasn 't . He is now a monsignor and still passes through here . We do not allow him near the children . Beware , Jensen . He is now your enemy . " " Morgan entered the city two days ago . Sebastian is gone . No one knows where . They believe there will be a call for the lords to come and pledge loyalty to him , but it hasn 't happened yet . At least as far as we know . " " Josh , he won 't move on . He has the throne . His men will be sent out as messengers to notify us of the new king 's demands . If we do not respond in kind to him , he will send men to deal with it . " " I am going ; I 'm a royalist . I 'm sorry , Jensen . I will leave Jessica and Ben under your protection . You have custody of my son since she is not responsible enough to care for him . " Late that evening , Jensen heard the shouting upstairs and saw his brother descend . The soldier who had arrived earlier was with him . The duke hugged his brother for a moment . The new lord of Avenleigh walked his brother out to the horses and watched the two men ride off into the night . He walked out to the parapet and climbed up to the walkway , and stood and watched the clouds roll in . A summer storm was moving in fast . He thought back over his time with Morgan . He had liked the man and thought he might make a better king than Sebastian , but he had sworn an oath to defend Saven from invasion . He did his job . Now he would keep his oath as duke to defend Avenleigh . It took Jensen three days to reach the north country and home . He reached the boundaries of Avenleigh and sighed deeply . The dukedom had been his in all but name since Duke Alan was old and incapable of running the estate , and his heir was army mad . Jensen had taken over running the estate when he was twenty - five , and it had prospered under his stewardship . Riding through the village , he smiled as men doffed their caps to him and the women curtsied . He had stopped and purchased a large parcel of sweets for the children . Reining his horse in , he nodded to the headman of the village . " I have a gift for the little ones , " he called out . The headman walked towards the young steward and bowed while Jensen held out the parcel . " There should be plenty to last a few days . " An hour passed , and he reached the outskirts of the orchards he had convinced his father to plant ten years before . The apple trees were not large but were producing wonderful fruit . He would be home during the harvest and the cider making . The keep of Avenleigh appeared in the distance . It was a large fortress that had never been breached . The walls were thick with spikes mounted , facing outward , in the outer walls . He could see the banner flying atop the tower that signaled his father was home . Jensen entered through the open gate and rode to the main yard . He dismounted as several men surrounded him . Handing his bag to one of the footmen , he turned . Thanking the stablehand , he left his horse to be tended and entered the keep . " I told our king that Morgan was prepared and ready to launch an attack . I warned him that his spies think our people will welcome him . He laughed at it . " The youngest Ackles stared in surprise . " What were you told , Sir ? I did not waste any time coming home . How would anyone beat me here ? " Jensen turned and left the library . He walked out the front door and started walking . His mind was in a turmoil . His entire life was falling apart , and he had no recourse . Josh would bring the estate down ; he had no interest in such things . Cutting across the fields , the young man kept moving , tears flowing unknowingly down his face . |
This morning I put on a Christmas - y tshirt . It was too tight ( must have shrunk , huh ? ) . I wore this shirt on my first date with my husband , Jim on 12 / 21 / 98 . Since it held good memories for me I wanted to keep wearing it . I laid the shirt out flat and cut it from arm hole to arm hole . Voila ! I had a new infinity scarf . The hem finished one edge and I turned under and stitched the other edge . I made the scarf this morning . The whole process probably took about 10 minutes . I don 't go into shock each top I see Jim in his wheelchair . I don 't feel around for him in my bed . I don 't cry each time I drive past a place where we 've been together . . . I got to play in my studio a bit over the weekend . I finished sewing a stocking for my grandson Kenny . I had a good time making it . I 'll post a photo soon . I also finished my drawstring bag . I decided I 'd keep my knitting in it . My studio is a big mess again . I can 't seem to make anything without creating havoc . I am trying to be sure to clean up the room after each project . Meanwhile Mom 's senile dementia is getting worse . I have to continually remind her to take her meds and keep her feet elevated . Every time I look away she puts her feet down on the floor . Her ankles keep swelling causing stasis ulcers . Yesterday Lupita told her why she had to keep her feet up . She told Lupita okay and how smart she was . The next minute her feet were back on the floor . The paramedics just left . Mom fell out of bed again . I had to tell her not to cry and scream or they 'd take her to the hospital . At least she listened to me . A couple of years ago she pressed her lifeline button and the paramedics came when we weren 't home . They took her to the ER . She probably scared them with all her crying . Andy , back before Jim got hurt and he still spoke to us , showed up at the house but the paramedics wouldn 't listen to him . Mom spent the whole time in the ER complaining that she wanted to go home . Tonight I put a diaper on her and told her to just stay in bed . Usually she gets up at least a half dozen times to go to the bathroom . I think she forgets that she just went and gets up again . I don 't what to do . I know she gets better care here than at a nursing home . I 'm afraid that if I put guardrails on her bed she 'll forget about why she has them and start screaming . At least if you are reading this blog you can stop reading at any time . When people ask me how I 'm doing , I tell them . It upsets them . I wish people would only ask if they wanted to hear the answer . I guess that makes me strange . I have to work at remembering that they think they are being " civil . " I don 't know why I can 't get that through my head . Tonight Jim used a walker to walk from the kitchen table to his bed in the dining room . This is a BIG deal . He was walking with his back straight and lifting his feet . The next big destination - the bathroom ! Yesterday I was at the Quilt Festival from 10 AM to 5 PM . I was still tired this morning . Since I didn 't take my scooter I had to choose between shopping and admiring the quilts . Shopping always wins . I wish I had had enough energy to go visit the ASG booth , see the art dolls and wearable art . I 'd have to pay a sitter again to go another day . So , I packed in as much as I could in one day . I wasn 't even sure that I wanted to go this year . I never got to play with my purchases from last year . Jim 's accident occurred just a couple of weeks after the show . I decided to go and not buy any fabric or clothes . I did really well . I only bought 3 fat quarters - of cute cats and a poodle . I want to make Kenny some diaper covers with them . I went through lots of planning in choosing which handbag and shopping bag to take with me . I ended up throwing my purse into the shopping bag . I bought a half apron to hold my credit cards , cash and phone . Later I found a cute little compact bag to carry - it was only $ 8 . 00 . It worked better than the apron since it was easier to look into . The tote bag worked our very well . It got heavy quickly since I put my coat and large fringy scarf into it early on . The convention center was too warm . Several booths had Laurel Burch stuff . I couldn 't resist buying 2 silk scarves for $ 5 each and a large tote bag for $ 20 . I purchased one strand of beads and 4 strands of french ribbon to make necklaces from . I finally found the little table top needle threader that I had heard about . I got a hemostat to replace the one I broke recently . I found a pair of scissors that Jim could use and a couple of clamps for his occupational therapy . I wanted to buy these flower makers that I read about . I couldn 't remember the name but I knew the manufacturer was Clover . Nobody knew what I was talking about . I did find some locker hooking needles . I read an article on locker hooking that looked pretty interesting so I want to try it out . It looks like a good craft to do while watching TV with Mom . My episode on " That 's Clever " aired again . I even got a couple of comments . One person wants the pattern . I can 't find the instructions that I wrote up for HGTV . Maybe I have it on the office computer . I wish I had time to do some sewing this weekend . I 've been spending my free time changing out my closets from hot to cooler weather clothes . Sweaters and jackets take up a lot more room than summer tops . We won 't get to play " dress up " for Halloween this year . Lupita didn 't want to spend all day with us again . I can 't blame her . She 's over every day doing something with Jim and / or Mom . A couple of years ago we went to one of Andy 's friend 's halloween party . I still can 't believe that he has cut me out of his life . I can 't say anymore about him in this blog . Today is the anniversary of the car wreck that left me handicapped at the age of 18 . My left kneecap was shattered so the surgeon removed it . I 've found out since then that people really NEED kneecaps . Today I got up at 5 : 30 AM and let in the caregiver . I went back to bed until 7 . Got up , checked on Jim , threw on a hat & clothes , went to CVS and then Walmart grocery store . As I was loading the car with my purchases I had another flashback of Jim helping me with grocery shopping . We would take 2 carts , he would go one way and I 'd go the other . He 'd load the bags into the car , carry them into the house and I 'd put the stuff away . I 'm happy that I had his help back then but I mourn the loss of his help now . I teared up in the Walmart parking lot . I drove home and I carried in $ 200 worth of groceries . The caregiver left at 9 and I came home at 9 : 15 . I checked on Jim . He needed my immediate help . I cleaned him up then finished putting groceries away . Mom came in and I made her breakfast . They are pretty pricey and they deserve to be . In Houston I 'd be lucky to be able to wear a wool coat once during the winter . ( I keep trying to add a link to her etsy shop but it doesn 't seem to be working . To see more of her coats , just go to etsy and search for " katwise . " She has lots of really nifty coats on her page . ) I planned on making the big full skirt and long crazy hood . The full skirt looked terrible on my fluffy body . I removed some of the skirt panels and cut the front 2 panels parallel to the front closure . Then I added the sewn on waistband and belt . Again , it looked bad on me . So I removed the waistband and I was able to really make sure that the top hit me right at the waist . I added belt loops and a belt that helped me better fit the coat . I made the long hood and attached it to the coat . It wasn 't heavy but it still felt like it was dragging the coat back and choking me . So I removed the hood and added a collar . The collar was really cute but the neckline was still too high . So , then I removed the collar and added a facing to the bodice of the jacket . I added some large snaps to close the coat properly . Because of my cutting down the front panels the coat wasn 't large enough to wrap around me very far . Then I started on the fringed scarf . I 'm still adding scraps to it . I don 't think it 's possible to add too much fringe to the scarf . The bodice of the coat is a Coldwater Creek t - shirt that I bought for $ 6 . 00 . The striped pieces are cut from a nightgown that I purchased at Alcatraz . The pink is from a Talbot 's t - shirt that I had purchased on ebay . The rest of the pieces are leftover scraps of fabric that I had laying around my studio . Last Saturday our neighborhood ASG group met in a new - old location . 8 years ago ( approximately ) we used to meet at the Eleanor Freed Library on Montrose . Then the funding cuts made the library close on Saturdays so we moved around a bit . I volunteered to do the program because our location is in the middle of my prime shopping grounds . There are some really good thrift stores in the area I love shopping in thrift stores . It 's kind of like hunting for treasure . Plus , I can actually buy several items without spending too much money . My program was showing off some of my thrift store finds that I upcycled . These pictures are of jackets and robe that were way too small for me . The fabrics were lovely . I removed the sleeves and used the fabric to add inserts to the side seams . Voila , clothes that fit me ! The red vest was made from a Japanese robe that was actually made in Japan . I sewed this vest long before I knew that I would have a Japanese daughter - in - law . I loved the colors and design of the robe 's fabric . My friend Mary and her husband Rod are moving away next Tuesday . I met Mary at a Red Hat event at her house . She was quilting and I told her that she might enjoy the American Sewing Guild . She joined our neighborhood group , became the leader of the group for 3 years and also volunteered to be the treasurer of the Houston ASG chapter . Before I met Mary I thought that all native Texans were ignorant republicans . She is the nicest native Houstonian that I 've ever met . I will miss you Mary . And you too , Rod . I learned that the Bernina machine was too complicated . The instructor told us exactly which buttons to push . The pathways made no sense to me but I did end up with a pretty pillow . I 'd like a matching pillow . But the embroidery machine costs over $ 10 , 000 plus you need to buy other equipment along with it . I 've got a sore back today . It 's probably from moving stuff at the office on Thursday . I don 't feel like doing anything because it hurts . Hopefully my 2 invalids will behave today so I won 't have to work too much . I got to work in my studio for a couple hours yesterday . Currently , I 'm in to using paint sticks on t - shirts . It is quick to do so I can actually complete a shirt before being summoned by Jim or Mom . I 've got so many ideas of things I want to make . That 's good and bad . It 's good because I can work at home . It 's bad because I get frustrated when I can 't spend much time in my studio . I have to keep my studio doors closed so cats don 't get in it . There 's too many things that can hurt them in there - pins , threads , beads , etc . Plus , they like to jump all over and knock stuff down . It 's messy enough in there already . I 'm thinking of letting go of one of my hobbies . - dollhouses . I 've got all these cute things waiting to be put in a little house . I have a big bookcase type house in the kitchen and a big bamboo cage in my room . I hate to do it in case I get a granddaughter . But , then I 'd have an excuse to go out and buy more stuff . I was just leaving the office but first I went down the hall to get some water . I heard my door close behind me . I immediately remembered that I had put my office key into my purse . My purse was in my now locked office . I am sitting in the conference room waiting for a Rice policeman to let me in . It 's amazing how just a little sewing time makes my day so much better . After I made breakfast this morning , showered and pulled on the horrible hose , I sewed for a couple of hours . I finished my stuffed owl for the new baby . Tomorrow I 'm going to a sewing class in Clear Lake . I know it will be all about trying to sell me a new expensive machine but it 's something I can enjoy doing by myself . Eventually I 'll be able to get Jim in and out of the car and we can go do things together again . Yesterday I got up , put on my horrible support hose on and went to the grocery store at 8 AM so I could beat the blazing sun . It didn 't have everything I needed . When I came home from the grocery store Mom was sitting at the table wanting to be fed . She was doing her " I want a drink " routine . I brought her orange juice and I told her that I couldn 't face cooking eggs because I was so overheated from going to the grocery store , bringing in all the bags and putting stuff away . I told her that I 'd make her a good lunch later . Then I went to Walgreen 's to buy what the grocery store didn 't have and to get a prescription filled . I got home and had to get Jim dressed and ready for company . His friend , Kevin McGregor came to visit him . I started to make lunch but I kept feeling whoozy . I told Mom I had to sit for a while . She said that I should rest a bit . But then she immediately started her " I 'm hungry , I 'm hungry " routine . She wanted me to bring her an orange . I reminded her that I had to sit down for a few minutes . Her demands drive me crazy . I guess you really do become a child again when you get old . She has gotten very demanding and self - centered . I made turkey burgers and squash medley for lunch . I cleaned up the kitchen and then went to hide in my studio . I just didn 't want to hear Mom 's constant moaning and groaning for a little while . Jim found me and I had to help him with the urinal . I went into my bedroom , laid down and passed out for a couple of hours . I knew that Lupita would be coming soon to take Jim to the gym . I just got all worn out . I think I 'm too old for all this caretaking . I guess I 'm lucky that we can still afford to hire people to help . Then I got up and started making dinner and cleaning the kitchen some more . Maybe I have to hire a sitter and leave the house in order to get some time for myself . I just am not interested in going out alone . Jim and I used to do so many things together and I got spoiled . Plus , it 's over 100 degrees outside and my support hose make me super hot . Now I 'm the one moaning and groaning ! That 's why I haven 't been blogging much anymore . I don 't want to write how I feel sorry for myself . But , it 's my life so I document it . Jim and I watched " Sunday Morning . " I made another little scrappy doll while we watched TV . I think I make dolls when I 'm depressed . The last time I was in a big doll making mood was the last couple years of my first marriage . I made a bunch of dolls during that period . Now I 'm making little dolls out of scraps and bits and pieces of lace , ribbon , yarn , etc . I guess it 's a kind of therapy for me . I also knit a lot . In the early days of Jim 's hospitalization Mary Haper came to visit . She noticed that I wasn 't knitting . I was too distraught to do much of anything , other than be with Jim . I started knitting again after a couple of weeks . My grief therapist says knitting is one of the most calming activities one can do . Guess it 's a good thing that I enjoy it . I spent a lot of time organizing my chest of drawers today . I just threw things into it for all the months when I spent my free time at the hospital or nursing home . How come when you clean it 's gets very messy before it actually gets clean ? I probably left stuff all over the bed that I will have to put up before I can get into it . I still suffer from a terrible sadness . I am grieving for my former life with Jim . Jim says that I 'm taking his injury harder than he is . Today I wanted to pull down a box from the closet . My first thought was to get Jim to help me . Then it hit me again - I 'm the only one who can do anything . I 'm the only one in the family who can take out the trash , get the mail , fetch the newspaper , make meals , buy groceries , etc , etc . It 's a very lonely realization . It also is very tiring . Lupita , Jim and I took a trip to TIRR hospital yesterday . Jim had his first follow up appointment with Dr Berliner . The doctor was impressed with Jim 's progress . He wrote an order for more PT , a referral to get botox on his hands and shoulder , and prescriptions . TIRR is such a sad place . There was a young father riding in a wheelchair while his wife pushed 2 little kids in a stroller . It 's difficult enough to care for a quadriplegic alone . It has to be so much harder to take care of children , too . I could not care for Jim alone , especially in the beginning . Last night his caregiver didn 't show up . I was already tired from the busy day . Then I had to help Jim into bed . Putting Jim to bed is a big procedure . He wears special boots , hand splints , diaper and his C pap machine . I wasn 't very good at doing all these chores and Jim got really mad at me . Thank goodness I 'm on lots of antidepressants . In the past I would have shut down and not be able to speak for days . It 's like being stuck in a giant bell jar - to use Sylvia Plath 's analogy . I 'm glad that I don 't have to feel like that anymore . All week at work I 've had to move boxes & furniture , stand and make a zillion copies , go back and forth , upstairs , downstairs . Right now I 'm taking a break . Posted by I don 't go with Jim to his physical and occupational therapy appointments . Lupita takes him since she is able to get him in and out of the car . So , it 's difficult for me to do progress reports . Yesterday he told me that he did a little walking with a specialized walker . His left leg is improving . I wish I had some photos that I could share . He still needs lots of help turning in bed . The bed is an air bed and it kind of squeezes him so that he can 't move very easily . . He needs help to change his position . I 'm trying to figure out how we can celebrate her birthday . I have to work all day on that Wednesday . By the time I get home Jim will be at the gym with Lupita . They won 't get back until around 8 PM . Lupita says that we should tell Mom that her birthday is Thursday and we can celebrate that evening . Blogging is a great way to keep a record of events . I 've looked up when Jim went to TIRR , when he saw his doctor last , etc . by looking through my blog . So today I am recording my current bout of phlebitis . This is my third weekend sitting around with my legs up . I 've got a bad case of phlebitis in my right leg . It always affects my right leg - I guess from all the years of favoring my left . I went to a vein specialist on Wednesday - Dr Kapusta . He did an ultrasound on my leg . He gave me antibiotics and said to take 2 advil 3 times / day . He insisted that I see my primary care physician . So , yesterday I went to Dr Holmsten . He told me take celebrex and keep doing what I was doing - support hose , elevate leg , use a moist heating pad . I was supposed to call him on Monday . Today when I got up , it was worse . So I went to the doctor 's office again . On Saturdays it turns into a Next Care clinic . I saw Dr Lopez today . He changed my antibiotic . I had him write diflucan and lomotil also . I HATE taking antibiotics - they make me sick . So , here I am propped up on the couch with my heating pad . My invalids are being good today . I told them I couldn 't keep waiting on them today . I bought subways for lunch and dinner . Now Jimmy and Lupita are here and helping out . Hurray ! This morning Jim got out of bed and into his wheelchair with very little assistance from me . This was the first time we didn 't have someone else assist him . He felt confident enough to do it with just me . Little Stella was spayed and declawed on Wednesday . I picked her up on Thursday . She was so happy to be home . She didn 't act like she was in any pain . She didn 't hold a paw up in the air like the other kitties did . I kept her in my room for 2 nights . She seemed so well that I let her out with the boys . She has to use special litter until her paws heal . She 's been very good about going in her own box . She has a very loud purrbox and is so sweet . My phlebitis is still bothering me . I think it 's a bit better tonight . Lupita massaged my leg the other night and that really helped to move the blood upwards . I 'm going to look for a vein specialist . It has been very difficult to care for my 2 invalids and try to keep my leg elevated . I want to look into the new treatments available now . I had the veins stripped in 1988 . My ankles immediately turned black & blue and have stayed that way ever since . I 've had phlebitis several times since then so the treatment didn 't last . Kevin called last night and then we got onto Skype . I was able to see Kevin & Tomoko . Tomoko has a nice big belly . She has less than a month to go until the baby is due . She was so sweet to let me see her belly . She looks the same all over and then there 's the belly . She looks so cute . They received my package full of baby things that I made . I knitted a blankie , sweater , hat and booties . Then I appliqued ties onto onesies . I only wish I had more time to sew . My free time is extremely limited . I have more free time at work than I do at home . Jim is in bed now . He 's already called for me once . It 's hard to have to wake up several times during the night to help him . But , I got to take a nice nap this afternoon . On the nights when I work Jim hired a helper to spend the night . That way I can get a good night 's sleep and go to work rested . Tomorrow will be the first morning that I don 't have to wake up at 5 : 30 AM since Jim has come home . His caregiver can 't come tomorrow so I don 't have to get up and open the front door . I haven 't felt like blogging . I guess I am burned out . But , it 's kind of like keeping a journal - I need to write something every day . I 've got the beginnings of phlebitis in my right leg . I need to keep it elevated . I 'll try . On a lighter note , here 's a photo of my little Stella . She is so cute and soo naughty . She gets into everything ! Things seem a little easier now . I guess it helps that I have adjusted to our new routine at home . I wake up at 5 : 30 AM everyday so I can let Jim 's first caregiver in at 6 AM . I 've starting waking up without the alarm . I 've become accustomed to Jim sleeping in a hospital bed in the dining room . It still jolts me every time I see him in his wheelchair or when a caregiver has to lift him in and out of bed . That will probably go away with time , also . Jim continues to work very hard on his recovery . He thinks he will be walking by Halloween . Walking will help straighten out his digestive system , decrease muscle spasms , etc . Last year at this time I was the one in a wheelchair while I recuperated from knee replacement surgery . Now I look back at that time as the " good old days . " Then I still had a mobile husband and my son still was in contact with me . I 've lost an awful lot these last months . Jim and I used to go out to eat , shop at estate sales , go to movies frequently . We had a lot of fun together . My son used to welcome me dropping by his apartment after work or meeting for lunch . These activities are all gone for now . I have been able to do a little bit of sewing . I appliqued onesies for my grandson - to - be . I lunch with a group of women on Wednesdays after work . I 'm working on reclaiming parts of my life . I meant to attend a HAFA meeting last night but I forgot all about it . I 'll try again next month . I forgot to pop my antidepressants as soon as I woke up this morning . I went to Kroger 's at 8 : 30 AM and I kept thinking of how Jim used to go with me and was such a big help . So now I 'm crying again . It 's amazing how we go through groceries . I went twice this week and spent over $ 100 each time . We have salad at least once a day so I 've got to pick up fresh veggies . Mom and Jim each eat 2 eggs per day . A dozen eggs doesn 't last very long around here . Then there 's the fresh fruit , bread , etc . Jim and I used to go out to eat several times a week . Now every meal is at home . That means shopping , putting groceries away , preparing meals and then cleaning . It 's a lot of work . Jim 's morning caregiver , Chris makes breakfast for Jim and sometimes for Mom . Mom likes to sit in her room with her walker in the doorway . That 's her signal that she wants someone to come in and put her slippers , etc . on her . This morning I told Mom to go to the kitchen before Chris leaves so he would make her breakfast . Yesterday she went back into her room after breakfast waiting to be dressed . If I ask her , if she can dress herself she always says " of course . " But yesterday she stayed in her robe all day . I left the 2 of them alone yesterday for 2 hours so I could go to a sewing meeting . They did just fine . When Jim was in the hospital and nursing home I spent lots of time with him . Now he sits at his computer all day and evening . He interacts with his caregivers more than me . So , now I feel lonely too . We ended up having a pretty big day for Jim 's birthday . My cousin Rick and his girlfriend Roseanne came in from Laredo . They cooked a wonderful luncheon for us - fennel salad , shrimp cocktail , a huge piece of salmon , lemon pasta and asparagus . The salmon was baked on a bed of citrus slices and served rare . I 'd never heard of rare salmon . But , that is definitely the way it should be eaten ! It was wonderful . Rick and Roseanne love to cook and eat out at fine restaurants . Houston has lots of great restaurants for them to try . Jimmy and Lupita came for lunch , too . I made Jim a big dish of sugar free jello and the rest of us had angel food cake with jello . After that we played dominoes with Jimmy and Lupita . Jim and I had our first date since November 2010 . We went to El Ranchero , our local Mexican restaurant . Lupita came with us so she could get Jim in and out of the car . It was a bittersweet experience . Tomorrow , July 1st , is the beginning of the new fiscal year at Rice . I spent so much money on physical therapy this past year that I paid in all the out of pocket expenses pretty early on . I have one last doctor 's appointment this year at 5 PM today . I have a choking cough that exhausts me . It 's been going on for a couple of weeks now so today I 'm going to go to my doctor . It 's probably just a spike in my allergies . There 's all kinds of new equipment in the house - power chair , power bed , new a / c and duct work . Any of these could set my allergies off . Not to mention the stress that I am under . Now I have a more consistent stress so the adrenalin doesn 't kick in to protect me like it did in the early days of Jim 's illness . Jim continues to slowly progress . Lupita works him very hard when they go to the gym . And he has finally started pt and ot this week . Little Stella is the only joy in my new life as the caregiver . She is learning not to bite me . The other cats don 't discipline her so she keeps biting them . She will run and jump on their backs and bite them . She needs to learn more kitty manners . She joins me in bed at night . Mostly she sleeps in the carrier that I put on Jim 's side of the bed . At least I don 't have to sleep alone anymore . I do have another joy - I still have Jim and Mom . Pre - accident I was aware of how lucky I was to have them both in my life . I still have them and that 's good , even though their care is more complicated now . I 'm still trying to get Jim 's prescriptions straightened out . Dr Berliner promised he would check over the scripts that Dr Li wrote . But , several of them are still incorrect . He doesn 't respond to my emails or faxes . Guess I 'll have to go search for him in the halls of TIRR . He acted like he would be easy to reach but he is NOT . Jim is getting stronger , thanks to Lupita being a great trainer . Next week he starts PT and will learn how to use his strength to do more activities . Little Stella doesn 't have a fever today ! The vet says she should still stay isolated until tomorrow . I think I 'm going to let her out when I get home . I 'm meeting a friend , Phyllis for dinner this evening . We 're going to La Guadalajara . I haven 't eaten Tex - Mex in ages ! I need to start having a bit of a social life again . I went to an ASG meeting on Saturday . I signed up for a beading class on Monday mornings . I can 't just stay home and wait on invalids . I wish I could do some things with Jim . He needs to grow strong enough to do his own transfers . Then we could go places again . Yesterday I was so busy all day . I took the kitten to the vet , cleaned up my studio so I could keep Stella in there , cooked a big lunch for the 3 of us . I answered the phone a gazillion times - it was either the lawyer , repairmen or an insurance company . Answering the phone wouldn 't have been work if I had carried the phone with me . I had to jump over pets , avoid wheelchairs and walkers to get to a phone . Plus answer the doorbell , do the laundry , clean the kitchen , etc . I think I need another part time job so I won 't feel so tired . I used to love spending my days off at home sewing . I guess once we get into a routine I might be able to have some time to sew again . Life is just so damned difficult . I no longer feel suicidal but I do still question why a person should keep on living and risk more tragedies . I guess that is the point - just keep living . Life would be easier if I could get into religion . I envy the people who are able to believe that everything happens for a reason , that a higher power is taking a personal interests in their lives . But , a shared delusion is still a delusion . That must be why the " holy people " get so angry if you don 't go along with their beliefs . I think if they were secure in their religious beliefs , they would not attack the agnostics and atheists of the world . Why are some people so up in arms about no prayer in school , what religion a leader practices , keeping " God " on our currency ? In my opinion they should bePosted by Today is Wednesday and I 'm home . I took Stella to the vet this morning . The doc thinks she may have a fatal virus . I 've already spent almost $ 300 on the vet . If she still has a fever , she 'll have to be euthanized . I 'm trying not to think about it . We had a A / C repairman out this morning . Looks like we need a whole new system - up to $ 13 , 000 . The good news just keeps on coming . . . . . In order not to think I am cutting this post very short . I 'm home today , Wednesday since I will be working for Carole on Friday . I get next Wednesday off , too . Actually , it 's a whole lot nicer to be at work than at home these days . Maybe I need a full - time job - away from home - like some working moms have . We 're getting into a routine with Jim at home . A nurse 's aid , Chris comes every morning at 6 AM and leaves at 9 AM . He gets Jim out of bed , does his bowel program , gives him a shower and sometimes makes his breakfast . He 's expensive because he comes to us through an agency . He 's a nice guy and has lots of experience . He has a difficult time separating real life and religion . But , he does a good job . Lupita comes over on Monday , Wednesday and Friday afternoons to take Jim to TIRR 's gym to exercise . Jim could join the gym but still isn 't a patient there . He can 't get on the schedule for OT and PT . The outpatient office has to do their paperwork before he can be registered and then he gets to schedule appointments . It 's so stupid - he needs to be doing OT & PT NOW ! At least he gets exercise with Lupita . Lupita brought Claudia over yesterday afternoon to train her . Claudia will be working on Tuesdays & some Thursday afternoons . Claudia doesn 't speak much English but she 's seems intelligent and willing to work . Last night Jim had an " accident " in bed . I had to change his linens with him still in bed . Then this morning he did it again . I 'll have to take more precautions from now on . It really saddened me because I thought he was past this . Maybe he has a UTI . I just don 't know if I can handle this but what choice do I have ? Jim needs so much done for him . It 's overwhelming . I got up at 5 : 30 AM today so I could let in the aide at 6 . He got Jim up on the bedside commode to do his bowel program , gave him a shower , dressed him and got him into his chair . I had to assist a lot . Tomorrow we 're having a different aide . It 's a pain teaching them what to do . Then I made breakfast for the 3 of us . Lupita came at 9 : 30 to take Jim to TIRR 's gym at Kirby Glen . For $ 30 / month Jim can use the gym equipment on Saturday mornings and late afternoons Monday , Wednesday and Friday . Lupita will work with him at the gym . That 's good because I don 't when Jim will get on the schedule for OT & PT . Jim was concerned this morning because he didn 't void very much . So I cathed him . It 's a good thing I did because his bladder was extremely full . Then Lupita took Jim . I started cleaning the kitchen , laundry room , organizing Jim 's stuff . I decided to lay down and rest a little . But , Mom starting calling me . She wanted to be dressed and eat again . I told her she just had breakfast and to dress herself . She got mad at me . She sat in her recliner and went into a very deep sleep . Jim & Lupita returned and I kept on cleaning house . Then I fixed pork chops while Lupita went shopping for salad fixings . After dinner I sat down for a little while . Jim wanted to stay up and watch TV . But , I realized that his rental bed is so rickety that I wouldn 't be able to get him into bed by myself . So , he was on the bed by 8 : 30 . But then there was insulin and pills to give him . He wasn 't comfortable so we had to work on his pillows . This would have been impossible for me to do alone . Lupita and Jimmy worked hard to get Jim settled for the night . Jim took a sleeping pill so I hope that I can have a little time alone now . I should go to bed but I want to take advantage of the quiet time by myself . It 's 9 : 30 PM and I 've been working since 8 AM . I am beyond exhausted . A man from Active American Medical Supplies , Adam , came at 8 to install a ramp for the garage entryway . Insurance doesn 't pay for ramps . I guess they think I can carry a 350 pound powerchair into the house . I ordered a foldable ramp for the front entrance and had a grab bar installed in the bathroom . I called and called and called to get Jim a bed . Finally I was told they would deliver a rental bed tomorrow morning . And Aetna approved the purchase of a hospital bed but it won 't be delivered for a couple of weeks . Then I called and left messages at the TIRR outpatient clinic at Kirby Glen . I wanted to get Jim scheduled and on the waiting list for pool therapy . No one called me back so I drove over there . I found the scheduling office and said " Hi , I 'm Joanne Carpenter and I 've been leaving you messages . " One of the women , Tina , said that they had a new answering system so they hadn 't gotten my messages . I was doubtful of this but , I was polite . Tina looked into her system and said Jim hadn 't been entered yet . So I went to the Insurance Approval office and spoke to Kaneesha ( ? ) . She hadn 't started processing Jim yet . She promised she 'd work on it today . I went to TIRR to be with Jim . He had pool therapy at 3 . The therapist , Christa said that their walker was broken . She said she 'd put an order in for a new one . I went into the gym and brought in one of their numerous walkers . She wouldn 't use it - said she 'd get in trouble . So , I tracked down the gym manager , Chris and he got us a walker to use . Jim was able to walk across the pool using the walker . It made him so happy . I took a video and will post it later . After the pool we went back to Jim 's room . He got a shower and went to bed . I did some packing while I waited to see the doctor . Finally at 7 the nurse , Debbie paged him . He didn 't call back so I took the prescriptions that were written yesterday . I thought he was going to talk to me some more about them . I took the scripts to Walgreen 's . After waiPosted by Jim is getting discharged tomorrow . The doctor gave us an extra day to get the home ready . I have one wheelchair ramp installed in the garage and I ordered one for the front door . The dining room is cleared out and ready for a hospital bed . That 's what I 'm waiting for today . Aetna hasn 't approved the bed yet . They won 't approve an extra day at TIRR or ManorCare either . So , now I 'm trying to rent a bed . I don 't know what we 'll do if we don 't have a bed . Maybe he can sleep in his chair . It 's almost 11 AM . I was going to go to the hospital but I have to wait for the bed . I got the doctor to write out Jim 's gazillion prescriptions . He had his resident do it and they are all screwed up . Luckily I read them over while I was still at TIRR . The doctor didn 't have time to redo them last night . I have to pick the scripts up today and get them filled so I have them ready for Jim tomorrow . I guess things will come together . It 's just nerve - wracking right now . Jim is scheduled to be discharged this Thursday , June 2nd . He still needs to learn to turn himself in bed . Plus , I 'm trying to get the ramps for our doorways . His bed still hasn 't been approved by the insurance company . But , I bet he still gets the boot on Thursday anyway . I got him in and out of bed yesterday and I have a sore lower back to prove it . I guess a sore back will be the new normal for me . Today Jim will be getting his last round of therapy . Tomorrow they will just be evaluating him - no exercise . I asked the doctor if he could at least have pool therapy . He didn 't really give me an answer . I asked if we could have some of Jim 's meds to take home . They said no - only the prescriptions . Some of these meds are hard to find . You 'd think they could at least give me the prescriptions before his discharge date so we could be ready . I called the outpatient place at Kirby Glen . There 's a waiting list for pool therapy and Jim 's orders haven 't been sent over yet . So he can 't even get on the waiting list . I 'll have to chase down Dr Berliner and get him to do that asap . In the meantime , Little Stella provides me with lots of entertainment and challenges . She doesn 't care for the bottle much anymore . She likes some at nighttime . Last night she followed the boys up to the top shelf of the cat tree . She cried for me to help her down . I hope she will be okay while I 'm at work . She is full of energy and wants to play whenever she is awake . Even Piglet was playing with her a little bit this morning . She was under my dresser and Piglet was trying to reach her with his paws . Maybe Piglet will lose a little weight with this extra exercise . Our dog , Nicky died on Friday , 5 / 27 / 11 . Lupita took him to the vet for a checkup . He got so excited that he had a kind of heart attack . They kept him overnight and called the next morning to tell me that he died . He was so overweight , couldn 't see or hear and was getting more incontinent . I told Mom about the dog and she cried a little . But , she hasn 't asked about him since . It 's weird because the dog followed her all over waiting for her to give him more food . She seemed to spend all day feeding the dog and telling people to let him back in after he went outside . She didn 't want the dog to be outside for more than a few minutes . Poor Nicky doubled in size after Mom moved in with us . She fed him candy , fruit , chocolate - whatever she was eating . Plus she kept filling up his food bowl all day long . She used to throw him handfuls of the cats ' food until I put it out of her reach . I could not get her to stop . His absence will make my life a little easier and the caregivers ' job a bit easier , too . Dr Berliner wants us to have an all day pass in the hospital . Jim agrees with him . That means that I 'm supposed to stay with Jim all day and night and handle his care all by myself . The staff is only available for emergencies . The doctor said it was very important that we have a trial run . I was going to try and do it tomorrow , Monday . Yesterday I practiced getting Jim out of bed into his wheelchair . Then I practiced getting him moved from his power chair to his wheelchair . After that I worked on getting him back into bed . I tried to change him into his night clothes . This morning I woke with a terrible back ache . I am not able to do Jim 's care by myself . He 'd have to stay in bed all day . I 'd only be able to help him with his urinal and medication . Jim tells me not to worry about it . That if I can 't do it , I can 't do it . Tomorrow I am supposed to be trained by his therapists on transferring him from place to place . I have to be there at 9 AM . I didn 't try moving him today so I could rest my back and save it for tomorrow . The nurses have asked me if I have family around to help me . I told them all I have is my 90 year old mother . Some of the other patients , especially the Hispanics , have lots of family members visiting and helping out . I am very envious of them . We will have to be hiring people to help with Jim 's care . It 's going to be very costly very soon . I feel like I 'm the only wife that TIRR has ever seen that can 't do all the care by herself . They certainly act that way . It 's better this time around than the first time . Then the therapists kept telling me to stretch Jim 's arms and legs , do this , lift this . And I did it and I got hurt . This time I have a doctor 's letter telling them that I can 't lift more than 20 pounds . So , they 've been taking it easier on me . Nonetheless , Jim is being sent back home next Thursday , June 2nd . We will be left to fend for ourselves . Luckily I have Lupita . She has helped me so much . Today she massaged my aching back . She prepared the dining room for Jim to use when he returns home . HePosted by This past Friday I worked for Carole . Nia told me to leave at 2 . I went over to TIRR . Jim went on a little field trip with functional group . I sat and waited for him in the gym because I knew he had pool therapy at 3 . I was knitting while I was waiting . I kept looking for Jim . I looked up and thought I saw him walking in . It was another man , a therapist . He was about Jim 's height and had his hair color . I immediately realized that it could not possibly be Jim . It felt like the whole catastrophic event occurred again . I started crying and went to the ladies room . I thought I had cried it out . But , I started up again when I was back in the gym . One of the therapists asked what was wrong . I said " my husband is paralyzed . " I was going back into the ladies room and Jessica saw me and asked what was wrong . What could be more wrong ? I have only seen one other woman cry at TIRR and that was in the introductory meeting during Jim 's first time in TIRR . I can 't believe that I 'm the only one grieving . Today I watched a mother and father taking care of their brain - injured son with smiles on their faces . I 've seen mothers with small children pushing their paralyzed young husbands in wheelchairs . Maybe I 'm just too sensitive and too empathetic . The pain surrounding me at TIRR is like torture . I want to see Jim . Once I 'm with him , I 'm usually okay . He said he couldn 't understand my feelings emotionally . I told Lupita and she said she understood . It is so painful every time I walk through TIRR 's front doors . It is unbelievable to me that Jim is a patient there . The security guard greets me cheerfully when I walk in saying " have a nice day ! " I haven 't had a nice day in over 6 months . One time the receptionist said " have a nice visit . " I thanked her and said I really appreciated those words instead of the usual nice day remark . This has to be a nightmare . It can 't possibly be happening to me and Jim ! We had family rounds this morning . I am trying to get Jim 's discharge delayed by one day so he will be able to get more therapy . He is still scheduled for next Wednesday . I asked Dr Berliner if we could wait till the weekend . He said maybe Thursday . So , the big return home day is right around the corner . It has been 6 months today since Jim 's accident . He hasn 't been home in all that time . Today I spoke with a nursing agency about coming in daily for his bowel program . It will cost at least $ 50 / day . I 'm hoping we can go down to every other day . But , I guess it 's not a bad price to pay for doing such a task . I 've been getting teary - eyed often again . There will be big changes when Jim returns and I worry about how things will go . My doctor increased my welbutrin to 3 / day to get me through this period . These past months have been incredibly difficult for me . I wish I were stronger . I wish I had family to support me here in Houston . It 's hard to deal with this alone . I just need some compassion . Luckily I have some very good friends . I was telling the nurse today about our situation . I haven 't told anybody the whole story in a while . She couldn 't believe it . Her reaction reminded me how extremely difficult this has been and I realize that I have been handling things pretty well . My job gets done , bills get paid , the house gets necessary repairs , pets get taken care of , cars taken in for repairs , papers filled out and I 've found good caregivers for Mom . I search the internet for information on spinal cord injuries and for products to make things easier for Jim . On top of that I go visit Jim 6 out of 7 days per week for several hours and deal with doctors , nurses , therapists , etc . ( I sound like my own little cheering section . ) Weekends are really boring at TIRR . During Jim 's last stint they had games on Sunday . But , the therapist who handled games went back to school and they haven 't replaced her . Jim remains positive and cheerful . I try but it doesn 't work for me . I 'm apprehensive about Jim coming home . Now his discharge date is June 1 . TIRR considers Lupita the primary caregiver . Maybe they think she lives with us . I will have to be able to put Jim to bed at night . He won 't want to go to bed at 4 in the afternoon . This morning Mom was sitting in her chair when I got up at 7 : 30 . I fed Stella and had my coffee . Then I went down to talk to Mom . I brought her a glass of OJ and told her to come on down to the kitchen . Around 10 AM my brother called and told her to get up and moving . So she finally made it into the kitchen by 10 : 30 AM . I gave her a couple of oranges . Lupita arrived at 11 and Mom told her I wouldn 't feed her . Then she starts singing " Lupita , Lupita , you 're so beautiful , etc , etc . " It 's nice she likes Lupita so much . I guess she thinks I don 't do anything for her . When I come home in the evening Mom gets up and goes to bed . She has gotten so used to being waited on that she hardly does anything for herself . I just see my future as being a servant to Jim and Mom . It makes me sad . It 's so weird that I will be the strong able - bodied one at home . Jim used to complain that I always had something for him to do . Guess it 's my turn now . I joined the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation for spinal cord injuries and paralysis . There are several discussion groups . I read the following quote and it made a lot of sense to me : " One experience I have frequently when I read Trish so eloquently describing the life / her life as a caretaker , I feel so overwhelmed with helplessness that I want to quickly suggest something and move on rather than feel compassion . Compassion for that kind of suffering is painful . " I appreciate everyone who has offered compassion to Jim and me . I realize that it is difficult to do . I got to TIRR at 7 : 45 AM today . First , I stopped at the cafeteria for breakfast to go . I won 't have any time for lunch today . Rounds started at 8 : 15 . ( I got to the office by 8 : 45 . ) Jim and I decided that Jim will go home after this stint at TIRR . Otherwise , he 'd have less time at TIRR and then return to the nursing home . He is really progressing at TIRR so we want him to have as much time as possible . Right now he is supposed to be released on June 1st . That just isn 't enough time . When he comes home we will have to have handicap equipment all over the place . We have to get a hospital bed , transfer boards , ramps , bath bench , bedside commode , maybe a hoyer lift . I guess it 's a good thing I didn 't try to sell the house and move to an apartment ( yet ) . I worry about him returning home and being overwhelmed with caring for him . I guess I 'll deal with whatever happens . People are shocked when I tell them Jim became quadriplegic after fainting in the bathroom . They find it unbelievable . I do , too . It is such a freak accident . I keep waiting to wake up and return to my normal life . I guess we 'll get a new " normal . " But I will always grieve for the life we no longer have . Jim walked across the pool using a walker today ! It was really difficult for him but he did it . Unfortunately , they canceled his pool therapy for the rest of the week . Jim has been the only patient in the pool for the last few days . They need to have at least 3 patients in order to keep the pool open . I told Dr Berliner about it . I hope he can do something to have the therapy continued . Jim has made the most progress with pool therapy . Dr Berliner told us that he will try to get Jim another couple of weeks at TIRR but then he will have to go home . We will need all kinds of equipment for him at home . The therapists will be working with us on that . He will probably continue his PT & OT as an outpatient at the TIRR center at Kirby Glen when he is discharged . The problem will be getting him and out of the car . Lupita will have to do the transfers . I 'm not strong enough . Dr Berliner has been great . He is really helping Jim and is keeping my stress level down . He doesn 't just talk about the insurance company . He actually seems to care about Jim . I wish we had him as the doctor during Jim 's first stay at TIRR . Here 's my sweet little Stella having her bottle . She is so cute and brings some joy into my life . Today she was forgetting what her litter box is for . I made a litter box in the big red kennel . I hope she just didn 't want to use the litter in the same box that she slept in . So , I 've separated the boxes . Guess I 'll see tonight . Now I am in Jim 's hospital room , waiting for Jim to be ready to go outside . It 's a beautiful day - only in the high 70 's . It will probably be our last pleasant day before the torrid Houston summer returns . I couldn 't help thinking of what we would have been doing if Jim hadn 't had his accident . We 'd probably be by the water - Kemah or Galveston . We used just to like to go exploring . The sadness is returning again so I have to stop writing . We had our first family rounds with Dr Berliner . Sonia scheduled it for 8 : 15 so I could get to the office by 9 . The nurse , Anna and our new social worker didn 't come . I 've never met the social worker . She 's on the 6th floor and access is limited because of Gabrielle Gifford . Dr Berliner talked about the botox injections that he gave Jim . Jim is already seeing some decrease in the stiffness of his fingers . Erin , the OT is going to work on teaching Jim how to cath himself and do his own bowel program . Jessica , the PT will work with getting Jim in and out of a car . They 've given us a release date of May 25th . Of course , that is not long enough . But , nothing I can do about it . They were impressed that Jim practiced with his manual wheelchair over the weekend . Weekends at TIRR are very boring . Jim might get one hour of group exercise on Saturday and that 's it until Monday . So , at least he can practice on his wheelchair by himself . My son , Kevin and his wife , Tomoko sent me flowers for Mother 's Day . They even had the delivery timed so that they came in the evening when I would be home . Aren 't they pretty ? I took more photos of Stella last night . Jim wants to see how she 's doing . She is so tiny . I took one photo of her next to Mom 's feet . She now is eating very well . The other kitties smell her and Buster hisses at her . The dog is the most friendly towards her so she chases him around the family room . I put the pet steps next to the sofa so she 'd be able to get back on my lap . She is learning how very quickly . Here 's a photo of Jim exercising with a manual wheelchair . He is trying to propel it with his feet . He was using his whole body to get it moving . He 'd go one step and the chair would roll back two . Then he started putting on the brakes after one step . He barely was able to complete a half dozen steps . It exhausted him . This was only his second try on the chair so he will improve with time . Jim started pool therapy last week . Here are photos of him in the pool at TIRR . The pool totally wears him out . But then it 's 4th hour of exercise during the day . I told him that he will become a jock when he gets better . At midnight Mom had one of her night terrors and woke me up with her screaming . She slept right through it . I couldn 't go back to sleep so I watched TV until 1 : 30 AM . At 5 : 30 AM Mom was calling me from her room . She had fallen out of bed and was sitting on the floor . She was all nervous and couldn 't do anything to help herself get up . I tried using a sheet around her waist and pulling her up . But , I couldn 't budge her . So , I called the paramedics . It took 3 firemen to get her standing . She was moaning and groaning and they were worried that she was injured . I told them that she wasn 't hurt and they left . Last year Mom fell when Jim and I were at Texas City . She pressed her first alert button . The paramedics came and took to the ER . She hated that . I told her if she kept crying that she 'd have to go to the hospital again . At least she listened to me . Mom went right back to sleep but I couldn 't . It 's 8 : 50 PM and I 'm planning on going to bed very soon . Stella just woke up so I 'm stuck with her for a while . But she 'll eat and play a little and go to sleep . I got to TIRR around noon today but I had to leave at 6 because I was so tired . Lupita was baking me cookies when I got home . She has been a wonderful to all of us . Around 8 PM the doorbell rang . It was a flower delivery from Kevin & Tomoko ! I was happy that I was home when the flowers were delivered . Thank you , Kevin and Tomoko . I was feeling sorry for myself . There were family gatherings at TIRR . But , I was the only family visiting Jim . The flowers have cheered me up . I have to go to bed . I 've got pictures to post - tomorrow . Jim has moved again . He got a bed by the window . He 's in 506B now . I think he must be through moving around now . I had asked the staff to be on the lookout for a window side bed and they came throughTomorrow I have to bring extra yarn and needles with me . 2 of the ladies on the floor want me to teach them how to knit . I 'm also going to make all of Jim 's nurses , techs and therapists scrappy flower pins . I went to visit Jim after work today . I got there in time to see 3 of Jim 's doctors gathered around his bed . Tomorrow he 's scheduled to get botox treatments in his left hand , lats , and right & left pecs . Botox is supposed to help decrease the tone in these muscles . Hopefully , it will work . Dr Berliner wants to start Jim on the treadmill . The patient is put into a harness and put on the treadmill . Techs then move his legs for him so that his muscles can figure out what to do . The pictures are of Super Dude ( aka J . D ) . He was one of Jim 's techs during his first stay at TIRR . He was so good at his job that Jim named him Super Dude . JD enjoyed the nickname . I told him that he needed a cape . He said he wanted a mask . I made this red mask and put the initials SD on it . He seemed like he really liked it . Jim had family rounds with Dr Wenzel today . I didn 't take time off to go . This is his last session with her . He is now Dr Berliner 's patient . Jim feels more comfortable with him . I hope Dr Berliner will actually work for Jim . Dr Wenzel was always talking about the insurance company . She gave Jim a hard bed during his first stay . He was in lots of pain . She wouldn 't change his bed . When we saw her on 4 / 5 I told her that Jim will need an air bed when he returns to TIRR . She said that sometimes the insurance company won 't approve an air bed . Jim went back into the hospital , got another hard bed and his pain started again . His nurse found him an air bed and his pain is gone again . Now , why wouldn 't the doctor order him a comfortable bed ? Jim was moved to the fifth floor yesterday . The fifth floor is for spinal cord patients . He is now in 509A . The A beds are next to the door - no window and less space . On the plus side , he gets to have some of his former techs and nurses - including Super Dude . When I arrived home yesterday evening Lupita was holding my kitten who was limp and near death . Stella took a down turn during the short time that Lupita left her to take Mom to the hairdresser . I thought that I was going to hold her while she took her last breath . She started jerky movements . I thought it would be best to put her back in her carrier . She looked like she was experiencing death throes . Then she got quiet but was still breathing . Finally I had to go to bed . I took the carrier with me and put it on the bed . Stella woke up and cried . I gave her some goat 's milk and held her for a long time . This morning she woke up hungry and healthy ! It is wonderful . I fed her and held her . Now she is in her carrier on a heating pad taking a cat nap . I might take her with me to the hospital today . I think Lupita will be nervous about caring for her . I 'll have to sneak Stella in and won 't be able to stay very long . Jim 's roommate left yesterday and we moved Jim to the window side of the room . Hopefully , he won 't get a new roommate today so it will be easier to keep Stella in the room . I spent yesterday afternoon and evening at TIRR with Jim . I didn 't want to go . Being there brought up the old memories of our first go - round there . There is so much pain at that place . The staff actually act quite positive . There are photos along the hallways of patients who had been through the TIRR experience and a write up of what they are doing now . The hospital tries to be a positive happy place . It doesn 't work for me . Jim is 100 times better now than he was during his last stay . But , I 'm not . I still cry and grieve for my lost way of life . I come home and see the Texas Highways magazine that I had subscribed to in October , 2010 . We had plans for little weekend trips in Texas . We were best friends experiencing happy events together . Now we are best friends experiencing physical struggles together . I know that am lucky to still have him . Jim came close to death in the beginning . His heart rate would dip into the 30 's . TIRR is the right place for Jim . He sees a specialist every day . The therapists are trained for spinal cord injured patients . Yesterday a Metro bus came to the hospital to teach the patients about the bus system . Each bus has 2 wheelchair places . The driver will tie down the chair and be sure that the passenger gets on and off the bus safely . I guess my big problem is actually my loss of blinders . I see so many people at TIRR whose lives turned to crap in just seconds . It could happen to me , my sons , anyone . At the nursing home I saw the pain of getting old . The only escape from old age is to die young . There is no escape or luck to get past these realities . Here 's a photo of the baby kitten that I found on Monday in my doctor 's parking garage . I named her Stella after the doctor I was going to see . She seems to be thriving . She was taking goat milk very nicely . Today she doesn 't seem to like it so much . She wants to be with someone all the time . Last night I had her in the large pet carrier next to me in bed . She slept through the night . I was afraid that she would wake me up a lot . She 's been pretty demanding today . She likes to get out of the cage and crawl around . She crawled under the filing cabinet and seemed to be stuck . She has to be watched all the time that she is loose . I think I need a big playpen for her ! Jim returned to TIRR on Wednesday , 4 / 27 / 11 . The admissions office wanted him there as early as possible . Luckily Amy wasn 't Jim 's nurse so we didn 't have to deal with her . The admissions lady called me on my cell and wanted to get in contact with someone at Sharpview . For some crazy reason she thought I was bringing Jim to the hospital myself . So no one called for an ambulance . Finally I convinced Nishwani that we did indeed an ambulance . It arrived around 1 PM . I stopped at the house to feed the kitten and then drove over to TIRR . Jim was placed in the overflow fourth floor . Most spinal cord patients are on the fifth floor . The staff wasn 't even ready for Jim . He did a lot of waiting around in bed . Then the doctor 's intern came in and performed the ASIA test on Jim . He said that Jim left as an ASIA B , C - 4 in January . He tested ASIA C , C - 5 this time . This is a big improvement ! On Thursday he was tested by the OT and PT . He got very little rehab that day . Today he had OT in the morning . I was there for his 2 PM PT with Jessica . She continued testing him and then they did some therapy . Jim was able to stand up using the EVA gizmo . He said it was easier than using the parallel bars at the home . He did really well as you can see in the photo . He was in pain on Wednesday night in TIRR 's hard bed . He had no pain at the home in his big bed . His morning nurse , Angela got him an airbed that folds up like a chair . He was much better Thursday night . Tirr is doing sonograms on Jim after he uses the urinal . They say he doesn 't empty his bladder all the way so then they catharize him . We asked the doctor to give him more time to do it on his own . I spoke to Dr Berliner today . He said he would take over Jim 's care but first he has to talk to Dr Wenzel . He says he is not afraid of stepping on toes . Jim likes him much better personally . He seems to be much more positive than Wenzel . Berliner is also working with Rice on the walking machine trials . That sounds promising . Jim was so tired this evening from lack of a good night 's sleep tPosted by I received a call from the admissions office at TIRR around 1 PM today . There was a bed available but I had to get Jim there by 6 . I said I wouldn 't be able to do that . The woman , Revelyn ( ? ) said she 'd see if she could hold it until tomorrow . I called her back at 4 : 30 and they will hold the bed for Jim . He needs to be there late morning or early afternoon tomorrow . I think this proves that TIRR is has a strong connection to Aetna . I have heard about people waiting weeks to get a place at TIRR . Aetna said they wanted Jim back at TIRR and they got it . Jim has been doing so well at Sharpview . I am a bit apprehensive about this move . I hope we will be able to switch doctors . I dread hearing the repetitions that they make at TIRR . It 's like there are certain things that must be said so they repeat them over & over again . The doctors and therapists seem so regimented . Lupita and Jimmy were visiting Jim this evening . They were kind enough to pack up a bunch of Jim 's stuff and bring it over . There 's still LOTS more to pack tomorrow . I plan on getting there around 8 : 30 AM . I 'll have to take my baby kitten with me tomorrow morning so she can get her bottle . She went to the office with me today . I took her to the vet right after work . She thinks Stella is between 2 & 3 weeks old . She tested negative for feline hiv , heartworms , etc . She had fleas and I treated her with stuff from the vet already . The vet suggested feeding her goat 's milk . She really likes it . She is so cute drinking from her little bottle . I 'll have to try and video her . She is the most precious little baby girl . I had hoped to rest a bit this evening . Instead I 'm washing Jim 's clothes , putting some of his stuff away and trying to pack up what he will need at TIRR . I 'm exhausted again . I am so tired of being so tired ! I had a doctor 's appointment yesterday at 11 : 15 . After I parked the car I was walking across to the building 's entry way . Then I heard some sad mewing . There was a little baby kitten all alone on the walkway near the elevator . Of course , I had to pick her up . She is tiny - maybe 3 weeks old . I went back to my car and got a tote bag . I put her in the bag so building security wouldn 't try and stop me . She stayed quiet all through my appointment . I 've named her Stella because that 's the doctor 's name and it 's cute . I went to Petco and got kitten formula , bottles and a soft carrying case . I took her to the nursing home with me since she needs to be fed every couple of hours . Everyone loved her . This morning I have her in my office with me . I 'm taking her to the vet right after work . I hope she gets a clean bill of health . She is just the cutest little calico kitten . Jim called me this morning to check on her . He said that I looked so happy holding the kitten . I hope that I can make the time to care for her . I need to be cleaning up the house , not playing on the computer . But I feel like just sipping coffee and relaxing . My sitter of the day , Magda , will be arriving at 10 AM . She puts Mom right into the shower so I have to wash up before she gets here . I would love to spend the day at home today . But , when I 'm not with Jim I feel guilty and I do miss him . I 'm going to compromise today . I have an appointment with Stella at 11 : 15 . I 'm going to come home after that and do some cleaning . I can 't work too hard because I 'll be too tired when I go visit Jim . There is always so much work to do when I visit him . I clean up his room , fetch his water bottle , find a bib for him , get his night things ready , etc . etc . I 'm trying to keep myself from burn out . It 's tough . Five months ago at this time I was sitting in the ER while Jim was getting x - rayed and MRI - ed . That night began this terribly difficult journey . This may have been our last weekend at Sharpview . Jim will admitted back to TIRR as soon as a bed becomes available . I carried some of his things home with me to get prepared for the move . Jim was acting very bossy today . He wanted me to wait at the back door while Florence rescued a baby bird in the rear courtyard . He has the room next to the back door . I wanted to watch her out the window in his room . He was getting all upset that I wasn 't doing what he wanted . When she started heading back to the door I got up and let her in . Maybe she waited 10 seconds for me to open the door . I think he really wants to be in control . He must feel so powerless stuck in bed or his wheelchair . However , even though I understand I don 't want him to get angry with me . I felt like just going home . But , I stayed with him until 7 PM . We just sat around all day . We were feeding the birds when we were surprised by Lupita wheeling Mom up the sidewalk . She misses Jim , too . After they left we went back inside and talked with Marty , the guy who hangs out at the nursing home . Jim was happily talking about music with him . Marty can play a song by ear on the piano . I sat listening to them while I sewed a little doll pin . After Marty left we went back to Jim 's room . Jim got his blood sugar checked and got his meds . Then we had another surprise . Jim and Honey came to visit . They were so sweet to come and visit us . They stayed until Jim 's dinner tray arrived . I helped Jim with dinner and set up his teeth brushing stuff . He got mad at me again because I hadn 't left the bathroom door all the way open . He had to push it with his chair . It 's hard enough to spend 99 % of my free time with Jim at the nursing home . It 's even harder when he gets mad at me . I 'm feeling stressed because I know that his time in TIRR will be difficult . TIRR tries to get the family to do all the day to day care of the patient . Last time I iPosted by I live with my 3 cats : Little Buster and Twinkle and Stella . As of September 7 , 2013 I added Sweetsie to our little family . Sweetsie was a little white poodle mix that I adopted from the Pearland Animal Shelter . As a little girl I just loved poodles , especially pink ones . I have quite the collection of pink poodles . I use a koolaid rinse to dye Sweetsie pink . Now I even have a living pink poodle . |
The hits just keep on coming for Tessie Marie Harlow . She has never had an easy life . Her mom disabled , her dad long gone , and a single mom raising a rambunctious little boy , that 's Tessie 's world . Her childhood aspirations to be a nurse long since disappeared after a college spring fling both blessed and cursed her with a baby boy . Dropping out of school , she returns to her hometown and begins to settle in . Getting the only job she could as a bartender she spends her days caring for her son and nights serving the Hellions Motorcycle Club and their affiliates . Tired of waiting for Rex to grow up she 's faced with the bane existence of her life until one night changes everything . In the darkest hour of her merciless ride through life , she 's saved by a quiet , laid back Hellion . Andy ' Shooter ' Jenkins has always been around . Too wrapped in Rex she 's never really noticed him before . He has never been loud or known to have the girls hanging all over him . He is a mystery . A chance encounter brings him to her rescue not once but twice . This is not a ride for pleasure . This is not a ride for safety . This is not a ride for love . This is a ride for survival . Mercy has never once shined her grace down for these two , but in the midst of the danger and lies can they learn to rely on one another and ride it out together ? This book contains strong language , strong sexual situations , violence and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18 . Please do not buy if any of this offends you . This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be a true or exact depiction of a motorcycle club but rather a book meant to entertain . " Look , your car , we gotta order parts , I told you that already . Those take a few days to get in . I can 't leave you with no way to get to Axel , your mom , and to work . " " Call me selfish . If you don 't have a car , you can 't get to work , and then who would serve me a beer ? " I ask in mock innocence . " Ha . Got jokes do ya ? Corinne will happily serve up more than just drinks . Tessie , I 'm just tryin ' to be a friend here . " " I would hardly call us friends . " Her face set in stone , not giving anything away . She 's tough , but there is a sadness deep in those brown eyes that pulls at me . " We could be , " I state watching for her to give me some sort of clue or opening . Yet , she gives away nothing . " Take the car , Tessie . " " I don 't need any new friends , Shooter . Keep your car . Thanks for stopping by . I 'll get my car sorted . I 'm no trouble of yours . " " Come on , Tessie . Look , I get it , you haven 't had it easy . Neither have I , but I have an opportunity to help you and I want to take it . No strings , no favors , no debts , no markers , just me paying it forward so to speak . " When she doesn 't reply or change her stance , I throw out the big guns so to speak . " Okay , I 'll call Rex and have him arrange for your transportation . " I begin to step backwards , making my exit . " If you don 't take the car , yes , I will . Tessie , you 're part of the Hellions family in a way . None of us want to see you struggle . Take the car . " " You won 't call Rex if I take the car ? " She questions as I watch the determination flash in her face . For whatever reason she does not want to rely on my brother . " What ? I want us to be friends , that 's all . Seriously , I 'm a man with far too much bad history to bring a woman along for my ride . I want to get to know you as a friend . I get the feeling you could use a friend right now and just that . " " I 'll take the car , but only until my car is fixed . Things are complicated for me . I can 't accept your dinner invitation . To be honest , it 's not in your best interest to be my friend . " " Baby , I 've never been one to do anything that 's in my best interest . We 'll have dinner one night , Tessie . Mark my words . " At that final statement , I walk away . SynopsisYour favourite Severed MC returns with more chaos , more danger and more fireworks . Satan may be gone but the danger isn 't . With revenge on the cards from more than one player and hot blooded new comer Justice stirring things up , the people in the town of Severed are in for one hell of a ride . TeasersREVIEWIf you have been following this Series you understand how absolutely AMAZING this series is . As with all my other reviews I am not going to give ANYTHING away . BUT I will say this . IT IS A MUST READ . AND YOU NEED SUPPLIES . I started reading this book in bed , thought I would get a few chapters in and read the rest the next day . LET me tell you It was a long night I couldn 't put it down . I was still thinking about it the next day . This book will pull at all of your emotions . You wont want to put it down . I loved everything about this book . KT Fisher And Ava Manello are a fantastic partnership . The exceptional talent they both have in that from the first page you are enthralled into the world they have written . The whole book plays out in your mind like a film in bright vivid colours . The characters jump out at you . You become part of that world as if you are standing right there watching . If there is only one book you are going to buy this month , it HAS to be THIS . This book gets 5 / 5 stars and 5 / 5 for movie moments . Severed Justice TrailerPurchase LinksAmazon UKAmazon USAAmazon CAAmazon AUSI TunesBarnes & NoblesKoboAbout The AuthorsKT FisherI love reading , it 's my favourite hobby . I 've always had ideas for my own books packed into my head so I thought I would write them out for people to enjoyStalk K . T . FisherFacebookTwitterGoodreadsAva ManelloPassionate reader , blogger , publisher , and author . I love nothing more tag helping other Indie authors publish their books be that reviewing , beta reading , formatting or proofreading , I love erotic suspense that 's well written and engages the reader , and I love promoting the heck out of it over on my book blog . I 've just started a new chapter in my life , I 'm a mother , but most of all I 'm me and I 'm following my dreams ! Stalk Ava ManelloFacebookTwitterGoodreadsWebsiteGiveaway ! A $ 10 amazon giftcard is up for grabs don 't miss out ! a Rafflecopter giveawayOther Books in the series : Severed Angel ( Severed MC # 1 ) Synopsis : Eve could never have imagined that her trip to Australia , where she is set to be maid of honor for her best friend 's wedding , could turn from exciting to deadly so quickly . Her sheltered and boring vanilla life comes to a screeching halt when she arrives in Australiat Cassandra Pierce had her whole " perfect " life planned out by her parents . One night of pure weakness and lust has her running away from it all and seeking refuge in Alamosa with her best friend . But it seems life has other plans for her when she finds herself lost in the small town of Keaton . Jason Bradley is a charming country guy . He lives a simple life that 's nothing like what Cassandra is used to . A single moment in life changed everything he thought he once knew , leaving him with a broken heart and an unplanned future . What happens in Keaton is nothing Cassandra or her heart could have ever prepared for . The instant connection she shares with Jason is no secret , but what they 're keeping hidden from one another is . Will these two be able to find a way to trust each other or will their secrets tear them apart ? Hi guys , I wanted to include my review with this Cover Reveal . It a book I read a while agoand I have to tell you It 's AMAZING . Here is my review from previous . Cassandra Pierce has a perfect life planned out for her - by her parents . But her perfect life has just got worse and the only thing she does is run to her best mate Melanie who in college hours and hours away . Cassandra isn 't very good with directions even with a gps . she ends up in the opposite direction going through a small town when she ends up having a blow out in her car and going into a tree . Wow , Wow , Wow I loved this story . I loved everything about it . I loved Cassandras transformation when she 's not with her parents . I loved Jason - girls there 's a new book boyfriend on the block . Jason is a true gent . He looks after her from day one . I love the way they both have secrets and they have to trust in order to explain . But is it with devastating effects . This book is stunning , it compels you to read from the first page . I couldn 't put it down . It is an amazingly , Fantastic Read . This is an amazing debut book by Barbara Wolfe . She is the Author to watch out for in the future . " Alright . " He raised his brow as he walked over to the nightstand , writing something on the notepad . " Here 's my cell number , call me if you need anything . I only live about ten minutes away . Seriously , if you need anything , just use the motel phone . " I took the ripped piece of paper he handed me . " Thanks . " I knew I needed it so I could talk to him about my car , but that 's as far as it would go . " I mean it , anything , " he said as he walked to the door , resting his hand against the frame . " Can I get you something before I leave ? Dinner ? " Yeah , right . Goodnight in this place was going to be hard to come by . I locked the door after he left and walked over to the bed . I drew the covers back and found exactly what I 'd pictured … Stains . Gross . I pulled the covers back over the bed and decided to sleep with a towel over me instead . I walked into the filthy bathroom , quickly grabbed a towel , and ran back to the room like a scared child . I put on a pair of yoga pants and a t - shirt and was ready to get some rest . It had been an unusually long day between the long drive , the accident , and the hospital . Too exhausted for continued thinking , I let my brain off the hook and laid down on the hard mattress . As I pulled the towel over my body , I noticed my feet were going to be hanging out all night . Great . I gently laid my sore head back onto the pillow and blinked my eyes a few times . I was right . Sweet dreams were extremely hard to come by in this place , but I tried . I closed my eyes and fell asleep . Based on the way I felt the next morning , I 'd gotten only a few hours of sleep at the most . Between the noises , the creaks , and the foul smell , I didn 't know which was worse . That was , by far , the worst night 's sleep I 've ever had . The morning sun shone brightly through the yellowed curtains , and I decided to give up on trying to get any more sleep . I ripped the towel off of me and was about to put my feet on the floor and there it was . Staring back at me as if I were invading his turf was an over sized , nasty , grey rat . " OH MY GOD ! " I screamed as I jumped up and stood on the bed , unsure of what to do if he were to start climbing up . I let out another loud scream as it raised itself up with its beady little eyes staring , making it scurry off under the bed . This was even worse ; now I couldn 't see the damn thing . I jumped off the bed and collected my belongings faster than I even realized I could . I threw on a jacket before making a mad dash for the door , slamming it behind me . " Holy shit , that was gross , " I said breathlessly . I took a moment to compose myself , and to think about what to do next . I was not going back into that room . That was for certain . " Are you looking for a place to stay yet ? " I heard his familiar voice from afar . I peeked over the railing , and there he was standing with his arms crossed , wearing a sexy grin , faded jeans , and a tight white tee . B . A . Wolfe is a girl with a passion for reading and writing , and lives in the good ol ' state of Colorado with her husband ( her biggest cheerleader ) , and her two crazy min pin fur babies . These days , her life is anything but calm , and there isn 't one thing she 'd want to change . B . A . spends all her free time either furiously typing stories on her laptop or happily reading through her endless TBR on her Kindle . Her list of favorites would be long enough to fll a book , but most would likely fall under the romance category . She is a sucker for a good love story that makes her cry , and an amazing book boyfriend who will melt her heart . ' Away ' is B . A . Wolfe 's debut novel . They say when you assume that you make an ass out of you and me . Kenton Mayson learned this lesson firsthand when he made assumptions about Autumn Freeman and the kind of woman she is based on what little information he had . What he finds out is she 's not only beautiful , but also smart , funny , a fighter , and exactly the kind of woman he wants to share his life with . Autumn made assumptions of her own about Kenton , and now he needs to prove her wrong in order to protect her and their future . What can I say apart from Aurora Rose Reynolds has done it again . With another Fantastic book . We first had the Mayson Brother and we know how hot and amazing they were . Now we have there cousin Kenton , another hotie alpha type and we know we love all things Mayson . Aurora Rose Reynold is one of my favourite Authors . I think with any book or series , and although Kenton is related to the Maysons , this is a different series , this is an underground kings book . Its easy to get lost a few book along , and for the reader to think , enough already this could of stopped at book 2 or 3 . WELL let me TELL YOU , the exceptional talent that is Aurora Rose Reynolds , this will never happen , you want the series and books to never end . Aurora has the talent that from the first page you are enthralled . And this book is no different . . . . Assumption is amazing . No spoilers guys . I am not telling you nothing to do with it . You need to discover Kenton all for yourself . IT IS A MUST . I loved everything about Assumption . I loved the characters they jump out of the page , as your reading it you feel like your watching a movie play out in your head . The book pulls you in and never lets go . I read it in one sitting . And was devastated that it had finished . I cant wait to see what comes out next . Aurora Rose Reynolds , Thank you for an exceptional , compelling and amazing book . I give this 5 / 5 stars and 3 / 5 movie moments I see you judging me . I know what you 're thinking . She has to be a slut ; she works at a strip club and takes off her clothes for money . Yes ! I work at a strip club , and you may think I 'm a whore for showing off my body , but this is a talent that has been forced down my throat since I was a young child . Look pretty and smile . I put on a show for those who choose to watch . However long I 'm on stage , I 'm not even me . It 's what I imagine an out of body experience would be like - a performance , nothing more , nothing less . The people watching make assumptions about who they think I am , or cook up a story in their heads of whom they want me to be . I 'm just another beautiful face . Beautiful . I hate that fucking word . Who gives a crap if someone is attractive on the outside if they are dying inside ? My whole life has been about what I look like . I swear , the only reason my mother kept me was to have a real - life , living , breathing doll she could dress up and control , which is the exact reason why as soon as I became eighteen , I got as far away from her special brand of crazy as I could . That 's also why I don 't date . The first thing guys do is look at me and see a pretty face , a nice body , and an empty space where my brain 's supposed to be . They have no interest in getting to know the person I am on the inside . They don 't care I volunteer my spare time , and they couldn 't care less I 'm going to school to be an RN . They don 't ask about my hopes , my dreams , or about where I see my life in twenty years . They don 't care about me at all . They just want someone pretty to follow them around and tell them how handsome they are , how special they are , while agreeing with everything they say . Fuck that ! I did that for too many years . That 's why I live inside books . At least there I can choose where I want to be - from the highlands of Scotland , to a king 's bed in a faraway land - and even if it 's pretend , sometimes that 's a lot better than reality . Chapter 1 I look out the plane window , my finger going to the glass , feeling the cold on my fingertips as I look out at the land moving quickly below me . It 's funny how from up here , everything looks so small . I never traveled in a plane before today ; just the idea of being trapped inside a tin can while flying at six hundred miles an hour never appealed to me . I take a breath and look at the TV monitor that 's in the seat in front of me . The small , animated plane on the screen shows we 're over halfway to Tennessee . " Are you traveling for business or pleasure ? " I turn my head and look at the guy sitting next to me . He 's slightly overweight and balding , but he also has wrinkles around his eyes , giving him the appearance of someone who smiles often . I debate with myself on whether or not to answer before replying , " Business . " His eyes drop to my mouth , then to my chest as I fight the urge to punch him in the throat . I hate when men go from nice to creepy . I shake my head , turning away from him . I don 't know why I even try . I feel a hand on my bare leg and my head swings around quickly . " Touch me again and I will rip off your balls and feed them to you , " I tell him in a soft tone , trying not to bring attention to us . He quickly removes his hand before swallowing hard . I shake my head before turning my body away from his . I feel tears sting my nose , but I fight them back . No way am I going to cry now - not when just six hours ago , my whole world exploded and I didn 't shed one single tear . I lay my forehead to the glass , closing my eyes . I still can 't believe how fast my life changed … I got up that morning and went to the hospital like I always do . I work at one of the busiest ERs in Vegas . I 've been working there since I finished school , and was required to get my clinical hours for my RN certification . As soon as I walked into the building , I was loaded down with work . Weekends are always crazy in Sin City , but yesterday seemed worse than normal - two drug overdoses , three stomach pumps , and one gun shot victim . Later , I was leaving the hospital exhausted , only to head to my real job - well , the one that pays me the money I need to live . " Hey , Angel . " " Hey , Sid . " I gave him a half - smile as I walked into The Lions Den , the gentlemen 's club I worked at . Do I like to strip ? No . Does it pay my bills ? Yes . The second I get on stage , I 'm no longer me ; my brain shuts off and my body takes over , the same way it used to when I was growing up and my mom forced me into pageants . I 'm accustomed to being on display and used for my appearance . I wish life was different , but it is what it is . Some people complain about being overweight or having acne ; for me , I hate being beautiful . I know it sounds stupid ; I mean , why would anyone complain about being attractive , right ? Here 's why : men see me as an object , and women see me as competition . No one is ever willing to give me a chance ; they all judge me by what 's on the outside , never taking a second to find out even the smallest detail about who I am . I know I 'm a walking cliché ; I hate being beautiful , yet I work in a business where I put myself front and center to be viewed and judged . The difference ? For the first time in my life , when I get on stage , it 's my choice ; no one is forcing me to do it . I get up there to earn the money so I can change my life in a way that will make it where I never have to be objectified again . " Tired ? " Sid questioned , following me . I had worked for Sid for the last three years . He was a friend of sorts ; he 's also my boss . " Yeah , I can 't wait until my clinical hours are over and I can start w " I don 't like that I won 't see your face all the time , but I know you need to move on , " he conceded . " Some other girl will come in and you will forget all about me . " " Never , Angel . " His eyes move over my face and he shakes his head . " You 're working VIP tonight . " He followed me down the hall towards the dressing rooms . " Sure , " I agreed , already exhausted . I needed a shower and a bed , but knew I was going to be there for at least eight hours , so I might as well suck it up . " The guys coming in are important , so you need to make sure they 're happy the whole time they 're here . " " I 'll make sure they 're taken care of , " I assured him . " Thanks , Angel . " He kissed my forehead like he often did before walking away . I watched him go for a second before pulling myself together . " Oh ! Look who 's here , " Tessa said as soon as I entered the dressing room . I ignored her and tossed my bag into my locker before pulling my scrubs off . Tessa is a bitch ; she is just like the girls I used to compete against in pageants . To her , life is a competition , and she is determine to come out the winner , even if she has to throw everyone else under the bus on her way to the top . " Mick said I could work VIP tonight , " she said to one of the other girls in the room . I ignored her , knowing better than to tell her it wasn 't happening . I was sure Mick did tell her that … after she took him in the backroom and gave him something to convince him . " Pixie said the guys coming in are some big - time land developers , so you know the tips are going to be outrageous . Thank God , because I need to have my tits redone , and that shit is not cheap . " I rolled my eyes and headed for the shower room . I had met a couple nice girls during my time here , but most were just like Tessa - a whole lot of hair , tits , ass , and not much else . I stood in front of the mirror and put on a coat of red lipstick before standing back , looking myself over . The VIP dress code is different than the rest of the club . The required outfit consists of a sheer , black overlay bra , black silk panties , a black garter belt with sheer hose , and black heels . My long , naturally red hair was pulled back on one side by a large flower ; the rest was loose and wavy , flowing down my back and one shoulder . My creamy white skin , red lips , and smoky eyes made me look almost like a sexy vamp . " You ready , Angel ? " Sid asked , pounding on the door . " Showtime , " I whispered before opening the door . " You look beautiful ; I 'm going to take you in there and introduce you before heading out . " " Sure . " I followed him down the hall to the club . The Lion 's Den is well - known in the area for its exclusivity . The walls are painted a dark brown , and the booths are designed into the walls , making the space feel intimate . The stage is in the center of the room , with a single spotlight shining down on it . Every booth has a girl assigned to it , and VIP has two girls . We aren 't allowed to interact with the customers without being asked directly to do so . The club is less of a strip club , and more of a place for men to hangout and drink while having beautiful women tend to them . If they choose to , they can watch the girl in the center of the room put on a show . I had been on stage several times in the three years I 've worked here . I never told Sid I didn 't like it up there , but he normally put me in VIP , or assigned me to a booth for the night . " Why are you so worried about these guys ? " " That 's huge ! Congrats , honey . " I squeezed his bicep and gave him a smile . " One day , Angel , I 'm gonna take you away from this place and show you happiness . I wanna see that smile everyday . " My heart did a little thud . Sid is a very attractive man , but he 's not for me . I don 't want or need a man ; they get you all discombobulated , filling your head with a bunch of lies then expect you to follow them around . I did that once . I thought a man was going to save me from the hell I was living in . I gave him my virginity and my heart , and he gave me a child I wasn 't allowed to keep and a heart so broken nothing or no one would ever put it back together again . I looked through the two - way mirror at the men around the table in the VIP room . " All right , " Sid says from beside me , " the man in the center at the table is John Barbato ; he is the owner of three of the largest clubs in the city . The guy there on his left is Steven Creo ; he 's some big wig on Wall Street and has backed more than half the new clubs and casinos opening on The Strip . The guy to the right of John has a location they 're interested in purchasing . " " I 'm sure he did , " I mumbled , looking back into the room . " What other bouncers are on tonight ? " I hated when Mick and Craig worked together ; they were both more concerned about hooking up with the girls than what was going on out on the floor . " Link 's here now . " " Good . " Link was a good guy and a close friend . He also took his job seriously . " All right , let me introduce you quickly before I head out . " " Guys , I want you to meet Angel . She 's gonna be your girl for the night . You need anything , you ask her , and she will make sure you 're taken care of , " Sid tells them , gesturing to me . " Angel will be right back ; give me a minute guys . " " Sure , " the one that spoke before said . As Sid and I stepped away , I heard from behind me , " Do you think the curtains match the drapes ? " and they all laughed . I hated that saying , and I swore once I was free of this lifestyle , I would kick the next man in the nuts who said it . " Okay , I gotta head out . I won 't be back for two weeks , " Sid said once we were standing in the hall . " Have a safe trip . " His eyes searched my face . His mouth opened and closed like he was going to say something , but instead , he shook his head , kissed my cheek , and walked off down the hall muttering something under his breath . Tessa came around the corner a couple seconds later with a smug smile on her face . I hate to admit it , but she is beautiful . Her skin has a natural glow that makes her look healthy and youthful . Her hair is black and thick , reaching the top of her ass . Her eyes curve out at the corners , showing off her Asian - American heritage . " You ready ? " she asked , looking at me from head to toe . I avoided rolling my eyes at her before stepping into the room behind her . After we took the first orders , we stood back while the men talked . I learned a long time ago to zone myself out . We were there as eye candy and nothing else . There was a knock on the door , and I knew the drinks had arrived . Tessa answered it , opening the door wide , and the man who brought the tray in was someone I had never seen before . He looked to be mid - thirties , had long , shaggy black hair , and brown eyes . When he set the tray down on the table in the corner , he turned and did something odd that had me watching him more closely . His hand went to his back as he looked over at the men who were still busy talking . When his eyes came to me , he smiled before walking out of the room . I looked at Tessa to see if she had noticed anything strange , but she was busy handing out the drinks and flirting with the men at the table . We stood to the side again once the men had their drinks ; every once inEveryone started screaming and running in every direction . I ran into a solid wall , and when I looked up to see it was Link , he wrapped an arm around my waist , turned , and pushed me behind the bar . I stumbled in my heels , falling to my knees and hitting the ground hard . I crawled under the counter and curled myself into a ball , shaking out of fear for my life . I listened as people screamed , but didn 't hear anymore gunshots . I don 't know how long I stayed like that , but it felt like forever until I heard police sirens . " Autumn , " Link called my real name , snapping me out of my terrified huddle . I peeked out from behind my hands as he crouched down in front of me . " Did you get him ? " He shook his head , putting out his hand for me to take . I shook my head no - I was safe ; I didn 't want to move from that spot . " Come on , Angel , he 's gone . " I shook my head again . " Nothing is going to happen to you . I promise you 're safe . " I swallowed against the lump in my throat , squeezing my eyes closed . " Tessa ? " I asked him . His eyes closed and his head dropped forward . " No , " I whispered , shaking my head . " No . " " Not sure , but the cops are here . I need you to come out of there so you can talk to them , " he told me gently , holding out his hand again . I nodded , reluctantly taking it . Even though I didn 't like Tessa , she didn 't deserve what happened to her . None of the people in the room deserved what happened to them . " I should have tried to help her . " " Nothing you could have done , " Link said , and my eyes went from to the floor to his . He shook his head , wrapped his beefy arm around my shoulders , and walked me over to a barstool . I sat there until the cops came up a few minutes later and told me they needed to talk to me at the station . " Can she get some clothes on ? " Link - who had given me the shirt off his back and hadn 't left my side - asked one of the detectives . " Sure , " the guy mumbled . I slid off the barstool and dazedly walked to the dressing room . When I walked in , all the girls were there , huddled together and crying . I didn 't know what to say to them ; most of them had been friends with Tessa . I felt horrible they had lost their friend , but was unsure if they would want me to express my condolences . I walked to my locker and started to pull off my stockings when one of the girls came up to me , wrapping her arms around me . Shocked , I hugged her back , and more of the girls gathered around me . We all stood there silently for a few minutes ; most of the girls were crying while a couple mumbled about how everything would be okay . I wasn 't sure anything would ever be okay again ; I just watched five people die and was lucky to still be alive . " I have to go with the police , " I told the girls when it didn 't seem like they were going to let me go . After a second , they all started breaking away from me one - by - one , giving me reassuring hugs . " Call me if you want to talk , " one of the girls , Elsa , said , handing me a business card with her personal information on it . I looked at it for a long second before nodding . I had never really been friends with any of them . Maybe that needed to change " I 'm not letting you go through this alone . " He pulled me into his side . I could feel tears sting my eyes , and I fought them back . I wasn 't going to cry until this was all over , when I could do it alone , hiding under my covers with my face stuffed into a pillow … like I always did . " I don 't understand why I have to leave the state , " I told Link , putting another pair of shoes in my bag . I had no idea how long I would be gone , and Link made it sound like I wouldn 't be able to come back to Vegas for a long while . " Angel , I hate to remind you , but you 're the only witness , and from what the cops said , the guy is a killer paid by the mob to do hits on people . " I sighed , looking around my house . I hated I was leaving , but knew it was for the best . I was at the police station for over eight hours going over what happened then sitting with a sketch artist . Somehow , the guy who had shot Tessa and those men had avoided every camera in the club . The cops informed me I needed to be extra cautious . I was the only witness , and they were concerned he would come after me . When Link found out what they said , he made a call to one of his friends from back home in Tennessee and asked if he would be willing to let me stay with him until the police caught the guy . The man , Kenton , agreed , telling Link I would be safe . I hated I was leaving my home , but if my only options were either death or moving , the choice was begrudgingly clear . I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded before going into the closet to get another suitcase . Might as well pack enough stuff to last me . Once I was all packed and ready to go , we got into Link 's SUV and headed for the airport . I was nervous the whole way , feeling like something crazy was about to happen … Today " Ladies and Gentlemen , we 're about twenty minutes out from our arrival destination . The weather in Nashville is mostly clear and sunny ; the temperature is eighty - five degrees . The pilot has now turned on the fasten seatbelt sign . Flight crew , please prepare for landing , " I hear through my sleep - ridden state and lift my head from the wall where I had rested it . I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater before looking around to see everyone is putting their belongings away . I make sure my seatbelt is secure before sitting back . My leg starts bouncing up and down quickly , and I rub the tattoo behind my ear , trying to think about something other than the plane landing . Once we are on the ground , I wait until everyone is off the plane to make my way out into the terminal . I go to baggage claim and look around , but I have no clue what this guy looks like . All I know is that his name is Kenton , and he is supposed to be picking me up . I don 't see anyone who looks like they 're searching for someone , so I go to the conveyer belt and spot one of my bags as soon as I get there . I pull it off , stumbling back slightly from the weight , as every guy here just watches me without offering to help . I look around again , wondering if I 'm supposed to call someone to tell them I landed . I pull my phone out , click it off airplane mode , and send a text to Link letting him know I had arrived . He sends me a message back letting me know Kenton had called and told him he couldn 't make it to pick me up , and I should just catch a cab to his house ; the door would be unlocked . I shake my head , cursing under my breath , and almost miss one of my other bags going around the belt . Luckily , I catch it at the last second . I carry it over to my other bag , and turn around just in time to see my last bag about to go through the tunnel . I run as fast as I can in my flip flops , and land half - on the conveyor belt , my bottom - half being dragged along the floor as I grab the handle of my bag , pulling it back so hard it flies over my head , causing me to land on my back with my hands over my head . " You must be Autumn , " I hear rumbled from above me . I tilt my head back and look up at the man standing over me . He 's upside - down , but even from my awkward position , he is good looking . His chuckle makes me grit my teeth though , and I stand up , putting my bag on its wheels before turning back to face him . " You are ? " He raises a brow to me , shaking his head , looking me over from head to toe . My body heats immediately under his gaze . I take my sweater off , wrapping it around my waist and clearing my throat . " You are ? " I ask him again , getting annoyed that he 's obviously finding this so funny if the smirk on his face is anything to go by . " Kenton . " He smiles . " Those bags yours ? " He nods towards my other two bags . " Yes . " I blow some hair out of my face , looking into his blue eyes and wondering why the hell I feel so hot all of a sudden . He looks away , going over to my bags while I take the time to look him over . He 's tall - much taller than my five - five . His hair touches the edge of the black t - shirt he has on . He needed a cut a while ago , but judging by the dark scruff along his jaw , I can tell he doesn 't care much about grooming . His shoulders are broad , tapering down to a lean waist ; his thighs are thick , incased in a pair of dark jeans that have shredded around the bottom by his heels , and his wallet is imprinted in the back pocket like he wears them often . I look at his ass as he leans over . I can 't believe I 'm checking a man out ; I 'm not one to be the slightest bit sexually interested in anyone . My eyes travel lower , looking at his feet , which are enclosed in a very large pair of black boots . I wonder absently if what they say is true about shoe size . I shake my head at my thoughts , dragging my bag with me towards him . " I thought you couldn 't make it , " I tell him when I reach his side . My head tilts back to look up into his eyes . " Yeah , change of plans , " he mutters , looking at me . I wait to see if he 's going to say anything else . Apparently , he isn 't going to , so I shake my head again and lower my face towards the ground . " You tired ? " His voice is dark and rich , and does something crazy to my insides . I nod , lifting my head . " Let 's roll ; you can sleep when we reach the house . " I don 't say anything else . Something is wrong with me ; maybe I 'm getting sick . I follow him out of the terminal into the car park . When we reach the parking lot , he stops and pulls a set of keys from his pocket . I hear the beep and look around , expecting him to be driving a large truck , a Hummer , or maybe even a tank . I never expected him to be driving a Dodge Viper , the black - on - black of the car only making it look hotter . I look at my bags , wondering how we will get them in the car . " It 'll be tight , but they 'll fit , " he mumbles , pulling my other two bags with him . I can 't help noticing the flex of his muscles as he gets my bags into the car , or the fact even his fingers are attractive . It takes some maneuvering , but he does get my bags to fit . I sigh , sitting down on the warm leather once we 're done . " I 'm just gonna drop you off at the house . I gotta head out for a bit , but you have free rein . Just make yourself at home ; there 's food in the fridge , and fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room . " " Thank you for doing this , " I tell him , looking at his profile . He is seriously good looking , and the butterflies in my stomach are making me feel anxious about staying with him . " Don 't mention it . So … you and Link ? " It took a second to decipher his words between the thickness of his accent , his smell , and the nervous energy I was feeling . Being in his presence , my brain seemed to have shut down . " He 's a friend . " Shit , maybe I should have said he was my boyfriend . I looked over at him again ; he didn 't seem to be as on edge as I was . He was probably used to women swooning over him . My gut tightened with something , and it took a second to realize what it was . My body froze . Jealousy , really ? I must be going into shock or something - I don 't get jealous . " How 'd you two meet ? " " We work at the same club , " I murmured , squirming in my seat . " Oh yeah , " he mumbled , his knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel . I didn 't know what that meant , but the energy in the car changed , making me want to get away from him . We drove in silence for the next half - hour , the car winding its way through one small town after another until we went up what seemed like the side of a mountain . The area was surrounded by forest on either side of the road . We drove for about five minutes more before turning onto a dirt road that took us deeper into the forest . I wanted to ask if he lived out here and about where he worked , and a million other questions , but my mouth had gone dry , and the energy in his car hadn 't gotten any better , so I decided to keep my mouth shut . I was going to be stuck with him for a while , so I figured there would be time for all of that later . I looked ahead of us , and squinted as the image of a large house came into view . It was a very large brick house ; the front had two porches , one on the first floor , one on the second , and both wrapped around the front of the house . It was beautiful and expansive . I looked over at Kenton again , gaging if I should ask him if this was his house . His jaw was ticking , and the vein in his neck was pulsing wildly . I had no idea what had set him off , but figured my best bet was to sit there quietly until he calmed down . We parked in front of the house , where there was no real designated parking place . He unfolded himself out of the car without saying anything , and I took that as my cue to follow him . By the time I made it to the back of the car , he had both of my bags out and was back on the driver 's side , sliding his seat forward so he could get to the bag in the backseat . Without a word , he carried two of my bags up the front porch and right into the house . I dragged my last bag with me , following close behind him . He set my bags down at the bottom of the staircase , then turned to look at me . " Your room is at the top of the stairs to the right . There 's a bathroom across the hall you can uI stood there for a few minutes , just looking at the door , then I looked around for an alarm , but didn 't see one . Tears stung my nose again as I recalled the look of disgust on his face when he told me to get myself off . I said a silent , " Fuck you , " and looked at my bags then the stairs , shaking my head - I could cry once I got settled in the room . I carried my bags up the stairs one at a time , and by the time I was done , I was so exhausted that I laid face first on the bed , put my head under the pillow , and cried until I fell asleep . There was a pounding on the door , and I rolled , falling off the bed and onto the floor . " You didn 't set the alarm , " I heard growled . I stood up , pushing my hair out of my face , glaring at Kenton , who stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest . " I looked and didn 't see the alarm to set it . " I copied his posture , crossing my arms over my chest . " You could have asked Link for it . " He shook his head . " I 'm sorry , but if you wanted me to have your number , I figured you would have given it to me , " I retorted . " Did you eat ? " he asked , changing the subject suddenly and throwing me off - guard . " No , and I 'm not hungry ; I 'm just really tired , " I told him , rubbing my face . All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about the last forty - eight hours . " You need to eat something , " he chided , uncrossing his arms and placing his hands on his hips . " Suit yourself . " He shrugged then looked me over again , his eyes lingering on my chest . I glanced down and groaned . Seriously ? My boobs were in my bra , hanging over the top of my tank - top . I quickly adjusted my shirt before narrowing my eyes on him . He smirked , looking up into my face . " Make sure you set the alarm from now on . The panel is inside the room off the entry , first door to the right . " " Got it . " My body was doing that hot thing again , and I wondered why it kept happening when he was around . " All right , doll , get some rest . I 'll see you tomorrow . " He let his eyes linger on me for a few moments more , and then shook his head , stepping out of the room . I went to the side of the bed and turned on the light before walking to the door and shutting it . I leaned my head back , closing my eyes and breathing in deeply . I ran a finger across my tattoo behind my ear before opening my eyes and looking around . I could do this ; I had lived through much worse and came out on top . I just needed to get a plan in place . About The Author Aurora Rose Reynolds is a navy brat who 's husband served in the United States Navy . She has lived all over the country but now resides in New York City with her Husband and pet fish . She 's married to an alpha male that loves her as much as the men in her books love their women . He gives her over the top inspiration everyday . In her free time she reads , writes and enjoys going to the movies with her husband and cookie . She also enjoys taking mini weekend vacations to nowhere , or spends time at home with friends and family . Last but not least she appreciates everyday and admires it 's beauty . I am a full time working mum to three energetic boys . After a long day at the office and I 've spent time with my children and hubby , theres nothing better i love than sitting down in the peace and quiet curled up getting lost in a good book . I 've always read from a young age , reading books by Enid Blyton and currently can read between 3 / 7 books a week . I read to my boys every night at bedtime and encourage them to read them selves . In the past I read stories about liverpool , england during the war from authors such as Maureen Lee , Josephine Cox . After getting into the Twilight films / books i started looking for books about werewovles and vampires which led me into erotic fiction , by authors such as jennifer T alli , Michelle Hauf . Im now reading a lot of contempary books by El James , Sylvia Day , Beth Kery too name a few . Park and Violet By Marian Tee Cover Reveal Ok guys , here is the second cover reveal by Marian Tee . Park and Violet . I can not wait to read this book . Don 't forget t . . . |
The hits just keep on coming for Tessie Marie Harlow . She has never had an easy life . Her mom disabled , her dad long gone , and a single mom raising a rambunctious little boy , that 's Tessie 's world . Her childhood aspirations to be a nurse long since disappeared after a college spring fling both blessed and cursed her with a baby boy . Dropping out of school , she returns to her hometown and begins to settle in . Getting the only job she could as a bartender she spends her days caring for her son and nights serving the Hellions Motorcycle Club and their affiliates . Tired of waiting for Rex to grow up she 's faced with the bane existence of her life until one night changes everything . In the darkest hour of her merciless ride through life , she 's saved by a quiet , laid back Hellion . Andy ' Shooter ' Jenkins has always been around . Too wrapped in Rex she 's never really noticed him before . He has never been loud or known to have the girls hanging all over him . He is a mystery . A chance encounter brings him to her rescue not once but twice . This is not a ride for pleasure . This is not a ride for safety . This is not a ride for love . This is a ride for survival . Mercy has never once shined her grace down for these two , but in the midst of the danger and lies can they learn to rely on one another and ride it out together ? This book contains strong language , strong sexual situations , violence and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18 . Please do not buy if any of this offends you . This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be a true or exact depiction of a motorcycle club but rather a book meant to entertain . " Look , your car , we gotta order parts , I told you that already . Those take a few days to get in . I can 't leave you with no way to get to Axel , your mom , and to work . " " Call me selfish . If you don 't have a car , you can 't get to work , and then who would serve me a beer ? " I ask in mock innocence . " Ha . Got jokes do ya ? Corinne will happily serve up more than just drinks . Tessie , I 'm just tryin ' to be a friend here . " " I would hardly call us friends . " Her face set in stone , not giving anything away . She 's tough , but there is a sadness deep in those brown eyes that pulls at me . " We could be , " I state watching for her to give me some sort of clue or opening . Yet , she gives away nothing . " Take the car , Tessie . " " I don 't need any new friends , Shooter . Keep your car . Thanks for stopping by . I 'll get my car sorted . I 'm no trouble of yours . " " Come on , Tessie . Look , I get it , you haven 't had it easy . Neither have I , but I have an opportunity to help you and I want to take it . No strings , no favors , no debts , no markers , just me paying it forward so to speak . " When she doesn 't reply or change her stance , I throw out the big guns so to speak . " Okay , I 'll call Rex and have him arrange for your transportation . " I begin to step backwards , making my exit . " If you don 't take the car , yes , I will . Tessie , you 're part of the Hellions family in a way . None of us want to see you struggle . Take the car . " " You won 't call Rex if I take the car ? " She questions as I watch the determination flash in her face . For whatever reason she does not want to rely on my brother . " What ? I want us to be friends , that 's all . Seriously , I 'm a man with far too much bad history to bring a woman along for my ride . I want to get to know you as a friend . I get the feeling you could use a friend right now and just that . " " I 'll take the car , but only until my car is fixed . Things are complicated for me . I can 't accept your dinner invitation . To be honest , it 's not in your best interest to be my friend . " " Baby , I 've never been one to do anything that 's in my best interest . We 'll have dinner one night , Tessie . Mark my words . " At that final statement , I walk away . SynopsisYour favourite Severed MC returns with more chaos , more danger and more fireworks . Satan may be gone but the danger isn 't . With revenge on the cards from more than one player and hot blooded new comer Justice stirring things up , the people in the town of Severed are in for one hell of a ride . TeasersREVIEWIf you have been following this Series you understand how absolutely AMAZING this series is . As with all my other reviews I am not going to give ANYTHING away . BUT I will say this . IT IS A MUST READ . AND YOU NEED SUPPLIES . I started reading this book in bed , thought I would get a few chapters in and read the rest the next day . LET me tell you It was a long night I couldn 't put it down . I was still thinking about it the next day . This book will pull at all of your emotions . You wont want to put it down . I loved everything about this book . KT Fisher And Ava Manello are a fantastic partnership . The exceptional talent they both have in that from the first page you are enthralled into the world they have written . The whole book plays out in your mind like a film in bright vivid colours . The characters jump out at you . You become part of that world as if you are standing right there watching . If there is only one book you are going to buy this month , it HAS to be THIS . This book gets 5 / 5 stars and 5 / 5 for movie moments . Severed Justice TrailerPurchase LinksAmazon UKAmazon USAAmazon CAAmazon AUSI TunesBarnes & NoblesKoboAbout The AuthorsKT FisherI love reading , it 's my favourite hobby . I 've always had ideas for my own books packed into my head so I thought I would write them out for people to enjoyStalk K . T . FisherFacebookTwitterGoodreadsAva ManelloPassionate reader , blogger , publisher , and author . I love nothing more tag helping other Indie authors publish their books be that reviewing , beta reading , formatting or proofreading , I love erotic suspense that 's well written and engages the reader , and I love promoting the heck out of it over on my book blog . I 've just started a new chapter in my life , I 'm a mother , but most of all I 'm me and I 'm following my dreams ! Stalk Ava ManelloFacebookTwitterGoodreadsWebsiteGiveaway ! A $ 10 amazon giftcard is up for grabs don 't miss out ! a Rafflecopter giveawayOther Books in the series : Severed Angel ( Severed MC # 1 ) Synopsis : Eve could never have imagined that her trip to Australia , where she is set to be maid of honor for her best friend 's wedding , could turn from exciting to deadly so quickly . Her sheltered and boring vanilla life comes to a screeching halt when she arrives in Australiat Cassandra Pierce had her whole " perfect " life planned out by her parents . One night of pure weakness and lust has her running away from it all and seeking refuge in Alamosa with her best friend . But it seems life has other plans for her when she finds herself lost in the small town of Keaton . Jason Bradley is a charming country guy . He lives a simple life that 's nothing like what Cassandra is used to . A single moment in life changed everything he thought he once knew , leaving him with a broken heart and an unplanned future . What happens in Keaton is nothing Cassandra or her heart could have ever prepared for . The instant connection she shares with Jason is no secret , but what they 're keeping hidden from one another is . Will these two be able to find a way to trust each other or will their secrets tear them apart ? Hi guys , I wanted to include my review with this Cover Reveal . It a book I read a while agoand I have to tell you It 's AMAZING . Here is my review from previous . Cassandra Pierce has a perfect life planned out for her - by her parents . But her perfect life has just got worse and the only thing she does is run to her best mate Melanie who in college hours and hours away . Cassandra isn 't very good with directions even with a gps . she ends up in the opposite direction going through a small town when she ends up having a blow out in her car and going into a tree . Wow , Wow , Wow I loved this story . I loved everything about it . I loved Cassandras transformation when she 's not with her parents . I loved Jason - girls there 's a new book boyfriend on the block . Jason is a true gent . He looks after her from day one . I love the way they both have secrets and they have to trust in order to explain . But is it with devastating effects . This book is stunning , it compels you to read from the first page . I couldn 't put it down . It is an amazingly , Fantastic Read . This is an amazing debut book by Barbara Wolfe . She is the Author to watch out for in the future . " Alright . " He raised his brow as he walked over to the nightstand , writing something on the notepad . " Here 's my cell number , call me if you need anything . I only live about ten minutes away . Seriously , if you need anything , just use the motel phone . " I took the ripped piece of paper he handed me . " Thanks . " I knew I needed it so I could talk to him about my car , but that 's as far as it would go . " I mean it , anything , " he said as he walked to the door , resting his hand against the frame . " Can I get you something before I leave ? Dinner ? " Yeah , right . Goodnight in this place was going to be hard to come by . I locked the door after he left and walked over to the bed . I drew the covers back and found exactly what I 'd pictured … Stains . Gross . I pulled the covers back over the bed and decided to sleep with a towel over me instead . I walked into the filthy bathroom , quickly grabbed a towel , and ran back to the room like a scared child . I put on a pair of yoga pants and a t - shirt and was ready to get some rest . It had been an unusually long day between the long drive , the accident , and the hospital . Too exhausted for continued thinking , I let my brain off the hook and laid down on the hard mattress . As I pulled the towel over my body , I noticed my feet were going to be hanging out all night . Great . I gently laid my sore head back onto the pillow and blinked my eyes a few times . I was right . Sweet dreams were extremely hard to come by in this place , but I tried . I closed my eyes and fell asleep . Based on the way I felt the next morning , I 'd gotten only a few hours of sleep at the most . Between the noises , the creaks , and the foul smell , I didn 't know which was worse . That was , by far , the worst night 's sleep I 've ever had . The morning sun shone brightly through the yellowed curtains , and I decided to give up on trying to get any more sleep . I ripped the towel off of me and was about to put my feet on the floor and there it was . Staring back at me as if I were invading his turf was an over sized , nasty , grey rat . " OH MY GOD ! " I screamed as I jumped up and stood on the bed , unsure of what to do if he were to start climbing up . I let out another loud scream as it raised itself up with its beady little eyes staring , making it scurry off under the bed . This was even worse ; now I couldn 't see the damn thing . I jumped off the bed and collected my belongings faster than I even realized I could . I threw on a jacket before making a mad dash for the door , slamming it behind me . " Holy shit , that was gross , " I said breathlessly . I took a moment to compose myself , and to think about what to do next . I was not going back into that room . That was for certain . " Are you looking for a place to stay yet ? " I heard his familiar voice from afar . I peeked over the railing , and there he was standing with his arms crossed , wearing a sexy grin , faded jeans , and a tight white tee . B . A . Wolfe is a girl with a passion for reading and writing , and lives in the good ol ' state of Colorado with her husband ( her biggest cheerleader ) , and her two crazy min pin fur babies . These days , her life is anything but calm , and there isn 't one thing she 'd want to change . B . A . spends all her free time either furiously typing stories on her laptop or happily reading through her endless TBR on her Kindle . Her list of favorites would be long enough to fll a book , but most would likely fall under the romance category . She is a sucker for a good love story that makes her cry , and an amazing book boyfriend who will melt her heart . ' Away ' is B . A . Wolfe 's debut novel . They say when you assume that you make an ass out of you and me . Kenton Mayson learned this lesson firsthand when he made assumptions about Autumn Freeman and the kind of woman she is based on what little information he had . What he finds out is she 's not only beautiful , but also smart , funny , a fighter , and exactly the kind of woman he wants to share his life with . Autumn made assumptions of her own about Kenton , and now he needs to prove her wrong in order to protect her and their future . What can I say apart from Aurora Rose Reynolds has done it again . With another Fantastic book . We first had the Mayson Brother and we know how hot and amazing they were . Now we have there cousin Kenton , another hotie alpha type and we know we love all things Mayson . Aurora Rose Reynold is one of my favourite Authors . I think with any book or series , and although Kenton is related to the Maysons , this is a different series , this is an underground kings book . Its easy to get lost a few book along , and for the reader to think , enough already this could of stopped at book 2 or 3 . WELL let me TELL YOU , the exceptional talent that is Aurora Rose Reynolds , this will never happen , you want the series and books to never end . Aurora has the talent that from the first page you are enthralled . And this book is no different . . . . Assumption is amazing . No spoilers guys . I am not telling you nothing to do with it . You need to discover Kenton all for yourself . IT IS A MUST . I loved everything about Assumption . I loved the characters they jump out of the page , as your reading it you feel like your watching a movie play out in your head . The book pulls you in and never lets go . I read it in one sitting . And was devastated that it had finished . I cant wait to see what comes out next . Aurora Rose Reynolds , Thank you for an exceptional , compelling and amazing book . I give this 5 / 5 stars and 3 / 5 movie moments I see you judging me . I know what you 're thinking . She has to be a slut ; she works at a strip club and takes off her clothes for money . Yes ! I work at a strip club , and you may think I 'm a whore for showing off my body , but this is a talent that has been forced down my throat since I was a young child . Look pretty and smile . I put on a show for those who choose to watch . However long I 'm on stage , I 'm not even me . It 's what I imagine an out of body experience would be like - a performance , nothing more , nothing less . The people watching make assumptions about who they think I am , or cook up a story in their heads of whom they want me to be . I 'm just another beautiful face . Beautiful . I hate that fucking word . Who gives a crap if someone is attractive on the outside if they are dying inside ? My whole life has been about what I look like . I swear , the only reason my mother kept me was to have a real - life , living , breathing doll she could dress up and control , which is the exact reason why as soon as I became eighteen , I got as far away from her special brand of crazy as I could . That 's also why I don 't date . The first thing guys do is look at me and see a pretty face , a nice body , and an empty space where my brain 's supposed to be . They have no interest in getting to know the person I am on the inside . They don 't care I volunteer my spare time , and they couldn 't care less I 'm going to school to be an RN . They don 't ask about my hopes , my dreams , or about where I see my life in twenty years . They don 't care about me at all . They just want someone pretty to follow them around and tell them how handsome they are , how special they are , while agreeing with everything they say . Fuck that ! I did that for too many years . That 's why I live inside books . At least there I can choose where I want to be - from the highlands of Scotland , to a king 's bed in a faraway land - and even if it 's pretend , sometimes that 's a lot better than reality . Chapter 1 I look out the plane window , my finger going to the glass , feeling the cold on my fingertips as I look out at the land moving quickly below me . It 's funny how from up here , everything looks so small . I never traveled in a plane before today ; just the idea of being trapped inside a tin can while flying at six hundred miles an hour never appealed to me . I take a breath and look at the TV monitor that 's in the seat in front of me . The small , animated plane on the screen shows we 're over halfway to Tennessee . " Are you traveling for business or pleasure ? " I turn my head and look at the guy sitting next to me . He 's slightly overweight and balding , but he also has wrinkles around his eyes , giving him the appearance of someone who smiles often . I debate with myself on whether or not to answer before replying , " Business . " His eyes drop to my mouth , then to my chest as I fight the urge to punch him in the throat . I hate when men go from nice to creepy . I shake my head , turning away from him . I don 't know why I even try . I feel a hand on my bare leg and my head swings around quickly . " Touch me again and I will rip off your balls and feed them to you , " I tell him in a soft tone , trying not to bring attention to us . He quickly removes his hand before swallowing hard . I shake my head before turning my body away from his . I feel tears sting my nose , but I fight them back . No way am I going to cry now - not when just six hours ago , my whole world exploded and I didn 't shed one single tear . I lay my forehead to the glass , closing my eyes . I still can 't believe how fast my life changed … I got up that morning and went to the hospital like I always do . I work at one of the busiest ERs in Vegas . I 've been working there since I finished school , and was required to get my clinical hours for my RN certification . As soon as I walked into the building , I was loaded down with work . Weekends are always crazy in Sin City , but yesterday seemed worse than normal - two drug overdoses , three stomach pumps , and one gun shot victim . Later , I was leaving the hospital exhausted , only to head to my real job - well , the one that pays me the money I need to live . " Hey , Angel . " " Hey , Sid . " I gave him a half - smile as I walked into The Lions Den , the gentlemen 's club I worked at . Do I like to strip ? No . Does it pay my bills ? Yes . The second I get on stage , I 'm no longer me ; my brain shuts off and my body takes over , the same way it used to when I was growing up and my mom forced me into pageants . I 'm accustomed to being on display and used for my appearance . I wish life was different , but it is what it is . Some people complain about being overweight or having acne ; for me , I hate being beautiful . I know it sounds stupid ; I mean , why would anyone complain about being attractive , right ? Here 's why : men see me as an object , and women see me as competition . No one is ever willing to give me a chance ; they all judge me by what 's on the outside , never taking a second to find out even the smallest detail about who I am . I know I 'm a walking cliché ; I hate being beautiful , yet I work in a business where I put myself front and center to be viewed and judged . The difference ? For the first time in my life , when I get on stage , it 's my choice ; no one is forcing me to do it . I get up there to earn the money so I can change my life in a way that will make it where I never have to be objectified again . " Tired ? " Sid questioned , following me . I had worked for Sid for the last three years . He was a friend of sorts ; he 's also my boss . " Yeah , I can 't wait until my clinical hours are over and I can start w " I don 't like that I won 't see your face all the time , but I know you need to move on , " he conceded . " Some other girl will come in and you will forget all about me . " " Never , Angel . " His eyes move over my face and he shakes his head . " You 're working VIP tonight . " He followed me down the hall towards the dressing rooms . " Sure , " I agreed , already exhausted . I needed a shower and a bed , but knew I was going to be there for at least eight hours , so I might as well suck it up . " The guys coming in are important , so you need to make sure they 're happy the whole time they 're here . " " I 'll make sure they 're taken care of , " I assured him . " Thanks , Angel . " He kissed my forehead like he often did before walking away . I watched him go for a second before pulling myself together . " Oh ! Look who 's here , " Tessa said as soon as I entered the dressing room . I ignored her and tossed my bag into my locker before pulling my scrubs off . Tessa is a bitch ; she is just like the girls I used to compete against in pageants . To her , life is a competition , and she is determine to come out the winner , even if she has to throw everyone else under the bus on her way to the top . " Mick said I could work VIP tonight , " she said to one of the other girls in the room . I ignored her , knowing better than to tell her it wasn 't happening . I was sure Mick did tell her that … after she took him in the backroom and gave him something to convince him . " Pixie said the guys coming in are some big - time land developers , so you know the tips are going to be outrageous . Thank God , because I need to have my tits redone , and that shit is not cheap . " I rolled my eyes and headed for the shower room . I had met a couple nice girls during my time here , but most were just like Tessa - a whole lot of hair , tits , ass , and not much else . I stood in front of the mirror and put on a coat of red lipstick before standing back , looking myself over . The VIP dress code is different than the rest of the club . The required outfit consists of a sheer , black overlay bra , black silk panties , a black garter belt with sheer hose , and black heels . My long , naturally red hair was pulled back on one side by a large flower ; the rest was loose and wavy , flowing down my back and one shoulder . My creamy white skin , red lips , and smoky eyes made me look almost like a sexy vamp . " You ready , Angel ? " Sid asked , pounding on the door . " Showtime , " I whispered before opening the door . " You look beautiful ; I 'm going to take you in there and introduce you before heading out . " " Sure . " I followed him down the hall to the club . The Lion 's Den is well - known in the area for its exclusivity . The walls are painted a dark brown , and the booths are designed into the walls , making the space feel intimate . The stage is in the center of the room , with a single spotlight shining down on it . Every booth has a girl assigned to it , and VIP has two girls . We aren 't allowed to interact with the customers without being asked directly to do so . The club is less of a strip club , and more of a place for men to hangout and drink while having beautiful women tend to them . If they choose to , they can watch the girl in the center of the room put on a show . I had been on stage several times in the three years I 've worked here . I never told Sid I didn 't like it up there , but he normally put me in VIP , or assigned me to a booth for the night . " Why are you so worried about these guys ? " " That 's huge ! Congrats , honey . " I squeezed his bicep and gave him a smile . " One day , Angel , I 'm gonna take you away from this place and show you happiness . I wanna see that smile everyday . " My heart did a little thud . Sid is a very attractive man , but he 's not for me . I don 't want or need a man ; they get you all discombobulated , filling your head with a bunch of lies then expect you to follow them around . I did that once . I thought a man was going to save me from the hell I was living in . I gave him my virginity and my heart , and he gave me a child I wasn 't allowed to keep and a heart so broken nothing or no one would ever put it back together again . I looked through the two - way mirror at the men around the table in the VIP room . " All right , " Sid says from beside me , " the man in the center at the table is John Barbato ; he is the owner of three of the largest clubs in the city . The guy there on his left is Steven Creo ; he 's some big wig on Wall Street and has backed more than half the new clubs and casinos opening on The Strip . The guy to the right of John has a location they 're interested in purchasing . " " I 'm sure he did , " I mumbled , looking back into the room . " What other bouncers are on tonight ? " I hated when Mick and Craig worked together ; they were both more concerned about hooking up with the girls than what was going on out on the floor . " Link 's here now . " " Good . " Link was a good guy and a close friend . He also took his job seriously . " All right , let me introduce you quickly before I head out . " " Guys , I want you to meet Angel . She 's gonna be your girl for the night . You need anything , you ask her , and she will make sure you 're taken care of , " Sid tells them , gesturing to me . " Angel will be right back ; give me a minute guys . " " Sure , " the one that spoke before said . As Sid and I stepped away , I heard from behind me , " Do you think the curtains match the drapes ? " and they all laughed . I hated that saying , and I swore once I was free of this lifestyle , I would kick the next man in the nuts who said it . " Okay , I gotta head out . I won 't be back for two weeks , " Sid said once we were standing in the hall . " Have a safe trip . " His eyes searched my face . His mouth opened and closed like he was going to say something , but instead , he shook his head , kissed my cheek , and walked off down the hall muttering something under his breath . Tessa came around the corner a couple seconds later with a smug smile on her face . I hate to admit it , but she is beautiful . Her skin has a natural glow that makes her look healthy and youthful . Her hair is black and thick , reaching the top of her ass . Her eyes curve out at the corners , showing off her Asian - American heritage . " You ready ? " she asked , looking at me from head to toe . I avoided rolling my eyes at her before stepping into the room behind her . After we took the first orders , we stood back while the men talked . I learned a long time ago to zone myself out . We were there as eye candy and nothing else . There was a knock on the door , and I knew the drinks had arrived . Tessa answered it , opening the door wide , and the man who brought the tray in was someone I had never seen before . He looked to be mid - thirties , had long , shaggy black hair , and brown eyes . When he set the tray down on the table in the corner , he turned and did something odd that had me watching him more closely . His hand went to his back as he looked over at the men who were still busy talking . When his eyes came to me , he smiled before walking out of the room . I looked at Tessa to see if she had noticed anything strange , but she was busy handing out the drinks and flirting with the men at the table . We stood to the side again once the men had their drinks ; every once inEveryone started screaming and running in every direction . I ran into a solid wall , and when I looked up to see it was Link , he wrapped an arm around my waist , turned , and pushed me behind the bar . I stumbled in my heels , falling to my knees and hitting the ground hard . I crawled under the counter and curled myself into a ball , shaking out of fear for my life . I listened as people screamed , but didn 't hear anymore gunshots . I don 't know how long I stayed like that , but it felt like forever until I heard police sirens . " Autumn , " Link called my real name , snapping me out of my terrified huddle . I peeked out from behind my hands as he crouched down in front of me . " Did you get him ? " He shook his head , putting out his hand for me to take . I shook my head no - I was safe ; I didn 't want to move from that spot . " Come on , Angel , he 's gone . " I shook my head again . " Nothing is going to happen to you . I promise you 're safe . " I swallowed against the lump in my throat , squeezing my eyes closed . " Tessa ? " I asked him . His eyes closed and his head dropped forward . " No , " I whispered , shaking my head . " No . " " Not sure , but the cops are here . I need you to come out of there so you can talk to them , " he told me gently , holding out his hand again . I nodded , reluctantly taking it . Even though I didn 't like Tessa , she didn 't deserve what happened to her . None of the people in the room deserved what happened to them . " I should have tried to help her . " " Nothing you could have done , " Link said , and my eyes went from to the floor to his . He shook his head , wrapped his beefy arm around my shoulders , and walked me over to a barstool . I sat there until the cops came up a few minutes later and told me they needed to talk to me at the station . " Can she get some clothes on ? " Link - who had given me the shirt off his back and hadn 't left my side - asked one of the detectives . " Sure , " the guy mumbled . I slid off the barstool and dazedly walked to the dressing room . When I walked in , all the girls were there , huddled together and crying . I didn 't know what to say to them ; most of them had been friends with Tessa . I felt horrible they had lost their friend , but was unsure if they would want me to express my condolences . I walked to my locker and started to pull off my stockings when one of the girls came up to me , wrapping her arms around me . Shocked , I hugged her back , and more of the girls gathered around me . We all stood there silently for a few minutes ; most of the girls were crying while a couple mumbled about how everything would be okay . I wasn 't sure anything would ever be okay again ; I just watched five people die and was lucky to still be alive . " I have to go with the police , " I told the girls when it didn 't seem like they were going to let me go . After a second , they all started breaking away from me one - by - one , giving me reassuring hugs . " Call me if you want to talk , " one of the girls , Elsa , said , handing me a business card with her personal information on it . I looked at it for a long second before nodding . I had never really been friends with any of them . Maybe that needed to change " I 'm not letting you go through this alone . " He pulled me into his side . I could feel tears sting my eyes , and I fought them back . I wasn 't going to cry until this was all over , when I could do it alone , hiding under my covers with my face stuffed into a pillow … like I always did . " I don 't understand why I have to leave the state , " I told Link , putting another pair of shoes in my bag . I had no idea how long I would be gone , and Link made it sound like I wouldn 't be able to come back to Vegas for a long while . " Angel , I hate to remind you , but you 're the only witness , and from what the cops said , the guy is a killer paid by the mob to do hits on people . " I sighed , looking around my house . I hated I was leaving , but knew it was for the best . I was at the police station for over eight hours going over what happened then sitting with a sketch artist . Somehow , the guy who had shot Tessa and those men had avoided every camera in the club . The cops informed me I needed to be extra cautious . I was the only witness , and they were concerned he would come after me . When Link found out what they said , he made a call to one of his friends from back home in Tennessee and asked if he would be willing to let me stay with him until the police caught the guy . The man , Kenton , agreed , telling Link I would be safe . I hated I was leaving my home , but if my only options were either death or moving , the choice was begrudgingly clear . I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded before going into the closet to get another suitcase . Might as well pack enough stuff to last me . Once I was all packed and ready to go , we got into Link 's SUV and headed for the airport . I was nervous the whole way , feeling like something crazy was about to happen … Today " Ladies and Gentlemen , we 're about twenty minutes out from our arrival destination . The weather in Nashville is mostly clear and sunny ; the temperature is eighty - five degrees . The pilot has now turned on the fasten seatbelt sign . Flight crew , please prepare for landing , " I hear through my sleep - ridden state and lift my head from the wall where I had rested it . I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater before looking around to see everyone is putting their belongings away . I make sure my seatbelt is secure before sitting back . My leg starts bouncing up and down quickly , and I rub the tattoo behind my ear , trying to think about something other than the plane landing . Once we are on the ground , I wait until everyone is off the plane to make my way out into the terminal . I go to baggage claim and look around , but I have no clue what this guy looks like . All I know is that his name is Kenton , and he is supposed to be picking me up . I don 't see anyone who looks like they 're searching for someone , so I go to the conveyer belt and spot one of my bags as soon as I get there . I pull it off , stumbling back slightly from the weight , as every guy here just watches me without offering to help . I look around again , wondering if I 'm supposed to call someone to tell them I landed . I pull my phone out , click it off airplane mode , and send a text to Link letting him know I had arrived . He sends me a message back letting me know Kenton had called and told him he couldn 't make it to pick me up , and I should just catch a cab to his house ; the door would be unlocked . I shake my head , cursing under my breath , and almost miss one of my other bags going around the belt . Luckily , I catch it at the last second . I carry it over to my other bag , and turn around just in time to see my last bag about to go through the tunnel . I run as fast as I can in my flip flops , and land half - on the conveyor belt , my bottom - half being dragged along the floor as I grab the handle of my bag , pulling it back so hard it flies over my head , causing me to land on my back with my hands over my head . " You must be Autumn , " I hear rumbled from above me . I tilt my head back and look up at the man standing over me . He 's upside - down , but even from my awkward position , he is good looking . His chuckle makes me grit my teeth though , and I stand up , putting my bag on its wheels before turning back to face him . " You are ? " He raises a brow to me , shaking his head , looking me over from head to toe . My body heats immediately under his gaze . I take my sweater off , wrapping it around my waist and clearing my throat . " You are ? " I ask him again , getting annoyed that he 's obviously finding this so funny if the smirk on his face is anything to go by . " Kenton . " He smiles . " Those bags yours ? " He nods towards my other two bags . " Yes . " I blow some hair out of my face , looking into his blue eyes and wondering why the hell I feel so hot all of a sudden . He looks away , going over to my bags while I take the time to look him over . He 's tall - much taller than my five - five . His hair touches the edge of the black t - shirt he has on . He needed a cut a while ago , but judging by the dark scruff along his jaw , I can tell he doesn 't care much about grooming . His shoulders are broad , tapering down to a lean waist ; his thighs are thick , incased in a pair of dark jeans that have shredded around the bottom by his heels , and his wallet is imprinted in the back pocket like he wears them often . I look at his ass as he leans over . I can 't believe I 'm checking a man out ; I 'm not one to be the slightest bit sexually interested in anyone . My eyes travel lower , looking at his feet , which are enclosed in a very large pair of black boots . I wonder absently if what they say is true about shoe size . I shake my head at my thoughts , dragging my bag with me towards him . " I thought you couldn 't make it , " I tell him when I reach his side . My head tilts back to look up into his eyes . " Yeah , change of plans , " he mutters , looking at me . I wait to see if he 's going to say anything else . Apparently , he isn 't going to , so I shake my head again and lower my face towards the ground . " You tired ? " His voice is dark and rich , and does something crazy to my insides . I nod , lifting my head . " Let 's roll ; you can sleep when we reach the house . " I don 't say anything else . Something is wrong with me ; maybe I 'm getting sick . I follow him out of the terminal into the car park . When we reach the parking lot , he stops and pulls a set of keys from his pocket . I hear the beep and look around , expecting him to be driving a large truck , a Hummer , or maybe even a tank . I never expected him to be driving a Dodge Viper , the black - on - black of the car only making it look hotter . I look at my bags , wondering how we will get them in the car . " It 'll be tight , but they 'll fit , " he mumbles , pulling my other two bags with him . I can 't help noticing the flex of his muscles as he gets my bags into the car , or the fact even his fingers are attractive . It takes some maneuvering , but he does get my bags to fit . I sigh , sitting down on the warm leather once we 're done . " I 'm just gonna drop you off at the house . I gotta head out for a bit , but you have free rein . Just make yourself at home ; there 's food in the fridge , and fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room . " " Thank you for doing this , " I tell him , looking at his profile . He is seriously good looking , and the butterflies in my stomach are making me feel anxious about staying with him . " Don 't mention it . So … you and Link ? " It took a second to decipher his words between the thickness of his accent , his smell , and the nervous energy I was feeling . Being in his presence , my brain seemed to have shut down . " He 's a friend . " Shit , maybe I should have said he was my boyfriend . I looked over at him again ; he didn 't seem to be as on edge as I was . He was probably used to women swooning over him . My gut tightened with something , and it took a second to realize what it was . My body froze . Jealousy , really ? I must be going into shock or something - I don 't get jealous . " How 'd you two meet ? " " We work at the same club , " I murmured , squirming in my seat . " Oh yeah , " he mumbled , his knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel . I didn 't know what that meant , but the energy in the car changed , making me want to get away from him . We drove in silence for the next half - hour , the car winding its way through one small town after another until we went up what seemed like the side of a mountain . The area was surrounded by forest on either side of the road . We drove for about five minutes more before turning onto a dirt road that took us deeper into the forest . I wanted to ask if he lived out here and about where he worked , and a million other questions , but my mouth had gone dry , and the energy in his car hadn 't gotten any better , so I decided to keep my mouth shut . I was going to be stuck with him for a while , so I figured there would be time for all of that later . I looked ahead of us , and squinted as the image of a large house came into view . It was a very large brick house ; the front had two porches , one on the first floor , one on the second , and both wrapped around the front of the house . It was beautiful and expansive . I looked over at Kenton again , gaging if I should ask him if this was his house . His jaw was ticking , and the vein in his neck was pulsing wildly . I had no idea what had set him off , but figured my best bet was to sit there quietly until he calmed down . We parked in front of the house , where there was no real designated parking place . He unfolded himself out of the car without saying anything , and I took that as my cue to follow him . By the time I made it to the back of the car , he had both of my bags out and was back on the driver 's side , sliding his seat forward so he could get to the bag in the backseat . Without a word , he carried two of my bags up the front porch and right into the house . I dragged my last bag with me , following close behind him . He set my bags down at the bottom of the staircase , then turned to look at me . " Your room is at the top of the stairs to the right . There 's a bathroom across the hall you can uI stood there for a few minutes , just looking at the door , then I looked around for an alarm , but didn 't see one . Tears stung my nose again as I recalled the look of disgust on his face when he told me to get myself off . I said a silent , " Fuck you , " and looked at my bags then the stairs , shaking my head - I could cry once I got settled in the room . I carried my bags up the stairs one at a time , and by the time I was done , I was so exhausted that I laid face first on the bed , put my head under the pillow , and cried until I fell asleep . There was a pounding on the door , and I rolled , falling off the bed and onto the floor . " You didn 't set the alarm , " I heard growled . I stood up , pushing my hair out of my face , glaring at Kenton , who stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest . " I looked and didn 't see the alarm to set it . " I copied his posture , crossing my arms over my chest . " You could have asked Link for it . " He shook his head . " I 'm sorry , but if you wanted me to have your number , I figured you would have given it to me , " I retorted . " Did you eat ? " he asked , changing the subject suddenly and throwing me off - guard . " No , and I 'm not hungry ; I 'm just really tired , " I told him , rubbing my face . All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about the last forty - eight hours . " You need to eat something , " he chided , uncrossing his arms and placing his hands on his hips . " Suit yourself . " He shrugged then looked me over again , his eyes lingering on my chest . I glanced down and groaned . Seriously ? My boobs were in my bra , hanging over the top of my tank - top . I quickly adjusted my shirt before narrowing my eyes on him . He smirked , looking up into my face . " Make sure you set the alarm from now on . The panel is inside the room off the entry , first door to the right . " " Got it . " My body was doing that hot thing again , and I wondered why it kept happening when he was around . " All right , doll , get some rest . I 'll see you tomorrow . " He let his eyes linger on me for a few moments more , and then shook his head , stepping out of the room . I went to the side of the bed and turned on the light before walking to the door and shutting it . I leaned my head back , closing my eyes and breathing in deeply . I ran a finger across my tattoo behind my ear before opening my eyes and looking around . I could do this ; I had lived through much worse and came out on top . I just needed to get a plan in place . About The Author Aurora Rose Reynolds is a navy brat who 's husband served in the United States Navy . She has lived all over the country but now resides in New York City with her Husband and pet fish . She 's married to an alpha male that loves her as much as the men in her books love their women . He gives her over the top inspiration everyday . In her free time she reads , writes and enjoys going to the movies with her husband and cookie . She also enjoys taking mini weekend vacations to nowhere , or spends time at home with friends and family . Last but not least she appreciates everyday and admires it 's beauty . I am a full time working mum to three energetic boys . After a long day at the office and I 've spent time with my children and hubby , theres nothing better i love than sitting down in the peace and quiet curled up getting lost in a good book . I 've always read from a young age , reading books by Enid Blyton and currently can read between 3 / 7 books a week . I read to my boys every night at bedtime and encourage them to read them selves . In the past I read stories about liverpool , england during the war from authors such as Maureen Lee , Josephine Cox . After getting into the Twilight films / books i started looking for books about werewovles and vampires which led me into erotic fiction , by authors such as jennifer T alli , Michelle Hauf . Im now reading a lot of contempary books by El James , Sylvia Day , Beth Kery too name a few . Park and Violet By Marian Tee Cover Reveal Ok guys , here is the second cover reveal by Marian Tee . Park and Violet . I can not wait to read this book . Don 't forget t . . . |
Officer Jackson made the final turn into the Sheridan County police station and thought about the girl in the backseat . She was pretty but she seemed awkward for a woman of twenty - nine . He thought she should have figured some things out by now , like how to defend herself against an intruder . Maybe not everyone knows how to use a knife , he thought silently . Then again , violence wasn 't always the best approach . Yet he had found Angela hiding under a bed behind a closed door . For a house that small , she wouldn 't have been hard to find if someone had really wanted to . Dwayne 's thoughts shifted gears for a moment while he put the cruiser in park and killed the engine . He looked in the rearview mirror at Angela , her cheeks pink with the events of the day . Her hair was slightly mussed , giving her an I - just - woke - up - and - you - surprised - me look . Which he deemed rather appropriate for her situation . He smiled to himself , but she caught it when she looked at up . " So , Officer . . . " Angela started slowly , lending a drop of sarcasm to her voice . " Are we getting out of the car while it 's still daytime , or are we waiting on a spectacular sunset ? " She followed the comment with a sly grin and a flutter of eyelids . Officer Jackson didn 't say anything . Removing himself from the vehicle , he opened the door for her and held out an assisting hand . " What , I can 't stand up by myself ? " Angela gave another small grin , stepping into a small pockmark in the parking lot . She keeled to the left and Officer Jackson barely caught her before she hit the ground . " Apparently you have a hard time standing up in those shoes . " He smiled back but she remained straight - faced . Angela 's gaze slammed into him , leaving him speechless and gawking . Her cheeks seemed to be a deeper red than before . Still she said nothing , not even a thank you . Dwayne dropped his smile faster than Angela had fallen . He helped her achieve stability in her shoes and shut the cruiser door behind her . " If you 'll follow me , we 'll get all the paperwork done and out of the way . " He turned and walked into the station . Angela followed slowly , being cautious not to trip on anymore miniature craters . She wanted to say something , to break the silence and to see his striking smile again , but she didn 't want to create any more tension than she already had . He 's probably married already anyway , Angela thought to herself , frowning . So this must be his wife . Operating in the same field . Figures . Angela breezed by the woman and didn 't give her a second glance , even though she greeted Angela all the same . Angela was too focused on making sure that she didn 't lose sight of Officer Jackson . He had passed through a security zone and Angela followed suit , but they made her go through twice because she set off the alarm . She removed her shoes and tried again , only to be beeped at a third time . Officer Jackson waited as another officer checked her with his little baton , and allowed her to pass . Angela reclaimed her shoes and began to put them back on but was left behind by Officer Jackson . " Can you wait for me ? I don 't know where you 're going . " She felt foolish asking him to wait for her , but he never stopped walking . The same officer that cleared her through security showed her a short row of hard plastic chairs off to one side of the hallway . Angela sat and finished putting on her shoes . She was confused by what had happened this morning ; she was trapped and he saved her , treated her like a lady . Now that they were at the station he was cold towards her . Maybe he doesn 't want to arouse suspicion about how he really feels . . . Maybe he 's hiding it from his wife . She sure didn 't get a big smile from him when we walked in . Angela began losing herself in her thoughts , forgetting that she was waiting for Officer Jackson to bring her paperwork . Her hands stung a little but she was too tired to notice . She started drifting to sleep when she was snapped awake by the same woman she saw when she came in the station . " Hi . I 'm Miss Jackson , but you can call me Darla . I 'm told your hands could use some bandaging . " Darla smiled at Angela and held out a hand to receive one of hers . " I 'll be gentle . I promise . " " There are lots of splinters in my hands . I can feel them . I don 't think washing them would be the best idea . " Angela withdrew her hands from Darla 's , but Darla was ready . " That 's fine dear . We 'll just pour some peroxide to see where the bubbles happen . Then we can dig out those splinters and disinfect at the same time . Shall we ? " Darla held out her hand again , this time as if to help Angela stand . " I have a feeling that Miss Murray may not realize that today is not the twenty - first of April . She seemed reluctant to answer that question when I asked . Should we do a psych test ? " Officer Jackson copied the information from his little notepad onto the official report form . His scribbles were hardly legible , but it didn 't really matter for a case like this where the victim was still alive and in no obvious sort of danger . " I 'll see what Phyllis thinks about her when she 's done having her hands fixed , but I don 't think we would need to do a full evaluation just because she got the date mixed up . The twenty - first was only two days ago . " The chief pulled a long drag from his cigar and leaned back in his chair . His Elvis - style combover was heavily grayed , but he didn 't care . His wife would beg him to use Rogaine but he didn 't see the point . " That depends . How long does she intend to stay up there ? " Chief Dixon leaned forward , stubbing out his cigar and placing it in the right hand drawer of his desk . " We did not discuss her intentions of her stay , or her intentions for the house . " Dwayne paused . " Now that I think of it , we didn 't discuss much of anything . She was pretty quiet the whole drive down . " " Huh . I saw her walk in on the camera . She doesn 't seem like the kinda gal to just ' not talk . ' What 's she playing at I wonder ? " He squinted his eyes at the camera that showed the bathroom doors . He waited for a few moments and then shook his head as if to rid himself of a fly . " Maybe I 'll order that psych eval after all . " While Chief Dixon dialed Phyllis , Officer Jackson was thinking about Angela 's golden hair , flipped out a little at the bottom . She seemed harmless . But he knew better than to take anything at face value . With a flip of his hand he excused himself from the chief 's office and headed back down the hall . He knocked lightly on the door of the women 's bathroom . " Really , you can 't let a lady do her business alone can you ? " Officer Jackson jumped back from the door when Darla opened it with her exclamation . Darla laughed , and he saw a brief smile creep across Angela 's face . He couldn 't be sure , but it seemed like maybe that smile was meant only for him to see . " You have to stop jumping out at me like that Darla . You 're going to get me in trouble . A poor helpless guy like me can 't take a strained heart . " Darla laughed again and dismissed the comment . Angela looked confused . " Well , regardless of the condition of your heart , you should be glad to know that we got all the splinters out of Angie 's hands . She 's all taped up and good to go . " Darla turned her smile to Angela , who grimaced back . Angela muttered a small " Thank you , " and stepped around Darla . " Thanks Darla . I appreciate your help . " Officer Jackson sent her a wink , then looked toward Angela . Her pretty smile was completely disappeared now . She crossed her arms against her chest and looked down the hall , towards the chief 's office . " Great . Let 's get out of here . " Her words were quietly sharp , as if to soften the blow . It didn 't really work . Maybe I shouldn 't be so snappy , she thought to herself . But it doesn 't matter anyway , he 's standing here joking around with his wife in front of me . Gross . " I thought this room would be a little more comfortable than an actual interrogation room . Have a seat . " He closed the door behind her as she entered , and she sat in one of the many office chairs around an oblong mahogany table . She wondered what this room was typically used for , when people weren 't filling out paperwork . " I 'm glad we get to be alone for this part . " Angela said absentmindedly , flipping through the papers for a good starting point . She looked up at Officer Jackson , but he was staring at the window . She looked back down at the papers . Full name : Angela Emmaline Murray . This was going to be a piece of cake . " Oh , um . That 's my uncle 's house . Or it was , anyway . " Angela fluttered her eyelids but didn 't look up at the handsome cop . Her lip quivered slightly and when she next spoke her voice was softer , more vulnerable . " He just died last week . " " I am sorry to hear that . " Officer Jackson replied . Angela put down her pen a little more dramatically than necessary and covered her face with her hands . She heaved a fake sigh and peeked at the officer through her fingers . " Shh . It will be alright . He 's in a better place now . " Dwayne reached across the table and pulled her hands away from her face . He held them gently in his own , marveling at the redness in her cheeks and across her freckle - flecked nose . " We don 't have to talk about it if you don 't want to . " He said this softly , still holding her hands in his . Dwayne reached down the table and passed her the box of Kleenex . " Let 's finish this paperwork , then I 'll help you find some dinner . " " Okay . " Angela said this meekly , dabbing at her imaginary tears with one of the offered Kleenex . She looked up to find Dwayne looking at her dead - on . Angela held the eye contact , and with a deep breath asked , " Do I have to go back to that house tonight ? " She stuck out her lip and fluttered her eyes , catching imaginary tears with the Kleenex again . " Oh , of course not . We 'll get you set up with a nice room at the bed and breakfast . I think that would do you some good . " They walked back out to the cruiser and he escorted her to the front seat this time . He held the door open for her . She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she got in , flashing another dazzling smile his way . Twenty minutes in the back of the cop cruiser and Angela was ready to be standing up again . There wasn 't much space , it was smelly , the leather seats were sticky against her bare arms . Plus she couldn 't see Officer Jackson 's face . She wanted to gaze into those dark , endless eyes but she was caught staring at him in the rearview three times too many , so she forced herself to look out the window . Besides , she was pretty sure that he didn 't want to stare back into a pair of baby blues that were surrounded by red puffy cheeks and a raw nose . Her hair was disheveled and frizz was the ruler of all . Wow , I look like a hot mess . How can he even stand to look at me ? Angela wondered this to herself , biting her chapped lips and saving her grimaces for the tinted window . She slumped down in the seat and looked at her hands . The once pristine palms and delicate fingers were now tender from scrapes and splinters , swollen and bloody . She tried wiping her hands on her designer jeans to dispel some of the dried blood , but this was a mistake . Some of the splinters reminded her who was boss , stinging and making her hiss through her teeth . This action didn 't actually rid her hands of any of their stains , but some of her wounds started seeping again , with nowhere to drip but right onto that wallet - splitting designer denim she wore so proudly . So much for keeping a nice pair . Angela looked up to see if the cop was looking at her . He was . She expected it but she didn 't at the same time . Taken a little off her guard she blushed and dropped her gaze , holding for a moment before looking at him in the mirror through her long eyelashes . Angela had been blessed with naturally long eyelashes . Most times she didn 't have to curl them either . Angela held the look for as long as she dared , which wasn 't long at all . She had always made men come to her , rather than chasing after them herself . She was an up - and - coming young lady ; there wasn 't time for galavanting around with silly boys . She sighed , but only as an attention - getter . Stony - faced once more , she let the blur of the trees consume her thoughts . We can pulverize one thought and forge another . We can splice two thoughts together into an entirely new idea . An idea or a thought can change and morph into something more complex and reinforced . Its a digital - eat - paper world out there , and even I am participating in it . But I can tell you that I still prefer those " old " books - - the ones made from real paper , not like the iPad , or the thing that 's been sold through amazon , what 's it called ? I can 't remember . Some fancy thing that you can download books to , and that isn 't supposed to hurt your eyes as you read it . Coming back around to what I was attempting to say previously , which is basically , let 's not forget where we came from , the technology ( or lack thereof ) that preceded this moment . We shouldn 't put aside these items and claim that they do not matter , because they do . You cannot have what you have now without some thing that you had before . Angela had collapsed against the wall almost immediately after slamming the door closed . Her breathing was out of control and tears ran freely down her cheeks . The only sound now was her sobs echoing through the broken down house . She sat there for what seemed like hours , trembling still from the sounds . A loud knock at the front door made her scream again , and the next thing she heard was the front door creaking open . Frantically she searched the room for any sort of object to defend herself with , but found nothing . She picked up her cell phone from the nightstand , having forgotten about it entirely after re - entering the room . She decided that calling the cops was the best bet , so she quickly dialed and waited for the ring to chime in her ear . She only had a bar left of battery , so she hoped that she would be able to get through . The dispatcher answered quickly and Angela explained her situation . " My name is Angela and I 'm at my deceased uncle 's house at the top of Suncrest Hill . I have good cause to believe there is an intruder in the house with me . Please send someone , please . " " Ma ' am , try to stay calm , " Angela hadn 't realized she sounded so hysterical until then , so tried to take a few calming breaths . " I have an officer on the way . Do you have any idea who the intruder might be ? " " I don 't think you understand . I 'm trapped in the guest room armed only with my cell phone . I swear nothing in here has a rough edge or sharp corner on it . The only exit is through the front door . The only window is maybe thirteen inches across . There is no way I 'm getting through that . " As she said this , she did think it was strange that there was such a small window in the guest room . She hadn 't noticed its size last night when she had come in the house . It was unnerving all the same to find that it wasn 't big enough to climb through . It was placed high on the wall , so even if it was human - sized , there was almost no going through it . A loud creak from the hallway brought Angela back to the present . She automatically dashed to the far side of the queen bed , putting it between her and the door . The dispatcher heard the quick movement and inquired about it . " I think the intruder is in the hall now , outside my room . Oh , " Angela whispered as quietly as she could , but she still wanted the lady on the other end of the phone to hear what was going on . Her breath started to catch in her chest again and she could feel the fear swelling in her belly , pushing on her lungs and pressuring her heart to move faster . " That 's what I 'm doing . " Angela spat . Just as she said that there was a very soft tap tap tap on the door to her bedroom . She got all the way down on the floor on the far side of the bed , and peeked underneath the bed towards the door . There were several boxes and an old pair of men 's loafers obstructing her view . " I 'm going to crawl under the bed , with some other boxes that are already there . " Angela told her dispatcher . " I 'm going to have to put the phone down for a moment to do this . " Angela wiggled her way under the bed among the half empty boxes . There were cobwebs everywhere , and the layer of dust on the floor was enough to make her gag . She prayed that she didn 't see any of the eight - legged creatures that created the cobwebs or she might scream . She couldn 't stand the thought of awkwardly bent legs each moving delicately but at their own time and pace ; the bristles on their legs wiry and stiff , caressing her skin as it moved along , and as if the eight legs weren 't enough , there were eight disgustingly reflective eyes that were always watching your every move . Angela realized she was holding her breath and clenching her fists . She wasn 't sure if she had hung up on the dispatcher or not . " Are you still there ? I 'm under the bed now . I 'm so scared . " Her voice quivered , threatening to become squeaky if she continued speaking . " I 'm still here Angela . The officer said he has just pulled up to the house , so it should be very soon that you 'll be seeing him . His name is Officer Dwayne Jackson . " " Okay . " Angela 's hands were shaking . The tap tap tap had been steadily increasing in frequency and sounded anxious . The doorknob had rattled once or twice , but Angela couldn 't remember having locked the door behind her . She wasn 't even sure that it could lock . Or if it had a lock , there was nothing to say that it still worked anymore since the rest of the house was in such bad condition . Angela was finding it hard to breathe with all the dust and cobwebs , and the cop who was supposedly in her driveway but not yet rescuing her from this torment , this tiny rotting prison that was her bedroom . Her hands stung from the splinters but she wasn 't steady enough to try to dig them out , and the dust wasn 't helping anything either . She started crying out of desperation and exhaustion ; she didn 't know what else to do . " Angela ? " It shouted . " This is Officer Jackson , if you 're in the house let me know . I 've not found anyone else here . " Angela whimpered underneath the bed . She heard the door open but wasn 't sure if she should reveal her hiding spot just yet . But any intruder wouldn 't know that the officer 's name should be Jackson , so it had to be a real cop . Footsteps soon attached themselves to a pair of heavy boots with a good coating of mud , and dark blue pants covering the tops . Between splotches of mud she could see that they were very shiny boots indeed . The officer kneeled down on the floor and peered under the bed at her . " Well let 's get you out of there and cleaned up . " He moved to the side of the bed and Angela began wiggling her way out from under the bed . She hadn 't made much progress before Officer Jackson had moved the bed out of the way for her . Angela started to push herself up with her hands but gave a yelp when the pressure reminded her of her injuries . " Your hands look pretty bad . How did you get those looking so bad ? " He helped her up and had her sit on the bed . He turned over each of her hands slowly in his own . Her pale skin was rough from scrapes and splinters , and there was blood dried on in places . What wasn 't covered in blood was covered in dust from her adventure on the bedroom floor . She felt embarrassed to have her hands being examined while they were in such a poor state . His hands were strong but soft to the touch . His dark skin thrilled her in an unexpected kind of way . She avoided looking him in the eye . He asked her some question that went unregistered on her ears . She chewed her lip nervously . She never looked less than perfect in the presence of another person . How could I let myself look like this ? She thought to herself . I should have been better prepared for this interaction . Angela brought her left hand to her forehead in the realization that she was being unreasonable . She had just been scared out of her wits by who knows what and she was worried about her appearance . " It 's April . The twenty - first . " Angela looked up at the officer 's face , watching closely for any indication of concern . The corner of his mouth twitched in a funny way . Officer Jackson helped her up and handed her the cell phone that she had left on the floor . Angela closed the phone , having forgotten about the dispatcher on the other line . Chances were the dispatcher had heard the officer 's voice and had disconnected the call first anyway . She carried her shoes and her keys wrapped in her sweater that she 'd abandoned earlier that morning . The officer walked into the hall , leaving the door open for Angela to follow . She peeked carefully around the corner , cautious about entering the hallway . Officer Jackson stopped by the front door and looked for Angela . " Do you need help ? " He knew this question was unnecessary but asked it anyway . He walked back down the hall to where she stood and offered his arm to her . " I would take your hand but that probably wouldn 't feel very nice for you , so you can hold onto my arm and we 'll walk together . How does that sound ? " Angela looked him in the eyes and really saw him for the first time . His russet skin tone was just as magical as his hands had been , gently inspecting her own . His eyes were dark but had a spark to them that was entrancing . Angela had attached herself firmly to his strong arm without noticing , and when she finally broke their eye contact , he made a sound that was reminiscent of a soft chuckle . He shook his head in disbelief . " Windy is an understatement for last night 's weather . " Angela smiled at his comment , and nearly screamed when Officer Jackson picked her clear up and negotiated the stairs on his own . Once they were on solid ground again he put her down gently , and continued to let her use his arm . Angela was barefoot but they went slowly , and he even opened the door of the patrol car for her . He made her sit in the backseat , even though he wished he could get away with not following procedure this time . I went to the Smashing Pumkins / Cake concert last night and it rained for about the first 1 / 3 of the show , so while all the smaller bands were playing . It had cleared up by the time that Cake took the stage , and that was fine with us . Being damp and cold and in the dark at a concert is no fun , but when the band is the one that cheers you up , you 're glad you didn 't cut out early . At one point during Cake 's performance they stalled because they were trying to decide what song they should play next , and being towards the back of the crowd I knew they would never hear my feebly shouted request . I shouted anyway , ( feebly as I said before ) my simple request . The band thanked the audience for all their suggestions , but said " we 're going to play what we feel like playing anyway . " The guitar started , as often happens , before they got into the meat of the song . And what do you know , a moment later , they were playing " Love You Madly " just like i requested ! ! ! ! It was amazing , and its probably my favorite song by them , and I already had intentions of playing it at our wedding but seeing and hearing it live was a golden moment . And of course I danced like a maniac with Alex standing right there , and yes he laughed at my and tried to make me stop dancing as I was probably being slightly embarrassing , but I DIDN ' T CARE ! cuz it was awesome . I 'm SO glad we didn 't leave early , cuz it would have sucked to miss the rest of that show . And also , we bought an album of a British band called " A Silent Film . " They were particularly good and it was also their first time in America ( period ) not to mention their first time performing here . While they only had about a half hour and so only played a handful of songs , it was taken well by the crowd and there was a decent line to wait for the album . Which was only ten dollars ! * sigh * I do love me some Buzz Beach Ball . On another note , I 've been slacking on the writing fronts lately , so expect a lot from me today . Tomorrow is a pretty sizable day , since I 'm having another trial run done on my hair for the wedding . And I have plans to hang with some friends ! woo ! woo ! My friend is sick and I wish they weren 't . I wish I could help , but I cannot . And so I write , and I make lots of really bad jokes and I cross my fingers that they bring about laughter and they generally do . We shall write together , and gush together , and have lots of fun and snarkiness in general . That is what I love about my friend : she is never afraid . ( At least , not to my face . ) Angela woke up the next morning with a start - - a noise from the front of the house had brought her out of her sleepy daze . It happened again , a loud thumping sound as if someone was routinely dropping a large something on the wood floor . She crawled out of bed cautiously , digging her sweater out of the nightstand drawer . The room was still very dark from the overcast sky outside , but at least the rain had subsided for the time being . Angela struggled with her sweater for a moment before giving up ; she 'd just have to go adventuring in her tank top this morning . She reached for her shoes but decided the heels would make too much noise on the hardwood floors . Instead she grabbed the lamp and switched it on , and slowly opened the bedroom door and peeked into the hallway . The door creaked a little and she paused , not wanting to alert any possible intruders . Angela managed to squeeze through the slightly open door without pushing it any further ; and the lamp dimly lit the hallway around her . She noticed the walls were a deep mahogany color , darker than she remembered them being . It was possible that her uncle could have re - finished the wood stain in the whole house , but that seemed like it would have been a very daunting task . Angela tip - toed down the hall , holding the lamp low in front of her . She didn 't want to block her view and she certainly didn 't want to trip . If there was any part of the inside of the house that was in as bad of shape as the outside , she wanted to know about it before she had the opportunity to trip . Angela was clumsy too , not very coordinated when it came to walking or just about anything else . Her mother had taken her to the doctor when she was a teenager , concerned that Angela wouldn 't be able to have a normal life . The doctor was convinced there was nothing wrong with Angela , that she was simply prone to tripping and stubbing her toes a lot . " It can happen to anyone , " the doctor had said . " It 's really nothing to worry about . Now , if she starts tripping every time she takes a step , then you should be concerned . " Angela realized she had paused in her journey down the hall , but also registered that the sounds she had been hearing a little while before had ceased . She stood very still , listening to the wind blow faintly outside , hearing some of the shutters on the windows creak gently . If she stood there long enough who knows what she would hear . She gave another look up and down the hallway , checking behind her . She wasn 't sure what she was looking for exactly , but it never hurt to be sure . Now that she thought about it , she probably should have tucked her phone into her jeans pocket before she left the room in case there was an emergency . She shook her head quickly , as if to expel that thought from her mind . There will be no emergency , she thought to herself . I am the only one in this house and that 's that . She took a deep breath and continued down the hall . Only three more paces and she 'd be in the living room , where she had found the lamp . She wondered what else she would find today as she explored the house in daylight and hopefully , electricity . She took two more steps . Only one to bring her to face the living room , with the old plaid couch with wool cushions , the crusty coffee table , and the tube television that probably didn 't work anymore . She remembered tracing the permanent cup rings on the top of that coffee table when she was little . It was kind of a surprise that her uncle hadn 't updated his furniture in so long . But now that she was just around the corner from all of those memories , she couldn 't bring herself to face them . What was so horrible about an old outdated couch anyway ? After all , she was the only one in the house . Another deep breath and she lifted her right foot to take the final step into the den . In mid - step the loud BANG resounded through the whole house . Windows rattled in their rotting panes , Angela screamed and threw the battery lamp up and behind her , she fell to the floor . Everything went topsy - turvy and she couldn 't feel her legs . The batteries popped out of the lamp and landed at the end of the hall . Her eyes felt about the same . Now on the floor , she rolled to her stomach and crawled frantically toward the guest room to find her phone . With no natural light in the hallway , it was almost pitch black . The old hardwood was starting to splinter in areas that she hadn 't noticed before . But she hardly cared . Tears streamed down her pampered cheeks as she worked her way back to the room . She didn 't stop to look behind her but crawled as fast as her jelly legs would allow . The thumps continued with increasing frequency until she was in her room and had slammed the door shut behind her . People might ask how I find her so inspiring , but its hard to explain . When I was little ( this sounds funny to me ) I used to watch Golden Girls with my grandmother and at any opportunity I had ; and her character as Rose had me hooked from the beginning . I couldn 't get enough . Recently , some of her fellow cast members from that show have passed away , or otherwise disappeared into fewer and fewer acting roles , which is sad but in a bittersweet sort of way . This summer she launched her new show " Hot in Cleveland " which I watched every episode of , and laughed through each one . The other women in the cast with her ( excuse me for here forgetting their names ) are each talented and beautiful women as well , and I cannot imagine the honor it must be to work alongside Miss Betty or any of the others for that matter . Though it was the maiden season of this show , I can hardly wait for more , and I believe it said it would return in January ( but don 't hold me to that , I 'm not the producer ) . Either way , I have a large respect for her . Shifting the car into park in the gravel driveway , she was nervous to turn off the engine . She had driven to the old house a million times before but never in the middle of the night like this . And in fact , she couldn 't think of a time when she had ever stayed the night in the house . But now that her uncle had died , it was time for some things to be taken care of . Her mother was anxious for someone to stay in the house and so Angela had driven out to the farm in the evening , but it was dark before she left her home two hours ago . Her uncle 's house was eerily dark without any lights on . The outside lights weren 't even on , so Angela assumed that the neighbor had the electricity shut off the day that her uncle had died . No one understood why her Uncle Stephen had added his neighbor onto all of his utility bills . Angela 's mother suspected for a long time that Stephen wasn 't able to afford his bills or his home , but he had refused any kind of family financial loan that anyone had offered . He was incredibly adamant about not accepting monetary help . Angela looked all around the car before finally killing the engine and stepped out of her shiny black Lexus . Her designer heels sunk into the mud and she almost fell . The shock of it unnerved her , but she quickly regained her footing and took her purse from the car . The woods surrounding the house loomed precariously overhead as she walked up to the old house . Trees heaved and groaned in the wind . Angela 's hair was in her face and she could barely see to wobble across the yard in her heels . When she reached the front stairs she could easily see they were in serious need of repair . The top stair was completely missing , and the other three steps were severely broken . When she finally made it onto the porch , she scrambled to find the key to the front door . A big gust of wind opened the door for her and Angela almost fell again . She could tell it was going to be a long night . Once inside the house she shut and locked the door . Using her cell phone as a light source she found a small battery - operated lamp and turned it on . She carried it back to the door and flipped the light switch on , but nothing happened . Roaming through the rest of the house she found several candles and some matches . She carried two to the guest room , where she found a stripped bed , with fresh linens in the hall closet . She was glad that her uncle liked to keep things neat around his house . A small investigation of the kitchen proved that the gas was still on and that the stove worked . At least she would have a way to cook tomorrow . She would have to go into town in the morning for groceries and to turn on the electricity again . A soft murmur from her mother on the phone . Angela folded her sweater and put it in the nightstand drawer . She didn 't really want to sleep in her jeans , but she didn 't have a whole lot of choice . With the storm striking up she hadn 't wanted to bring in her overnight bag . Angela put her cell phone next to the lamp on the nightstand and crawled under the covers . She sighed . She hated storms , and this one promised to be pretty intense . She hoped that it would pass by the morning . It was going to be a long night . I 've signed up for NaNoWriMo for the first time . Some other friends of mine have participated in past years ( I don 't know whether they made the 50 , 000 word goal or not . ) As for me , I hope that I can achieve something through this , and have a novel to continue to work on later . So even if I get a great start on things for a book , then I will have gained something large . Working as a Graduate Teaching Assistant while also earning my MA in English . Worked as a Freelance Writer / Assistant Editor at Echo Ink Review , a literary journal based in Mission Kansas ( 2011 ) . Published " First Snow , " a short story , in Quivira in 2010 , a collegiate journal of student work . Will be published in the upcoming edition of Quivira : " Blueberry Muffins , " a poem . |
Officer Jackson made the final turn into the Sheridan County police station and thought about the girl in the backseat . She was pretty but she seemed awkward for a woman of twenty - nine . He thought she should have figured some things out by now , like how to defend herself against an intruder . Maybe not everyone knows how to use a knife , he thought silently . Then again , violence wasn 't always the best approach . Yet he had found Angela hiding under a bed behind a closed door . For a house that small , she wouldn 't have been hard to find if someone had really wanted to . Dwayne 's thoughts shifted gears for a moment while he put the cruiser in park and killed the engine . He looked in the rearview mirror at Angela , her cheeks pink with the events of the day . Her hair was slightly mussed , giving her an I - just - woke - up - and - you - surprised - me look . Which he deemed rather appropriate for her situation . He smiled to himself , but she caught it when she looked at up . " So , Officer . . . " Angela started slowly , lending a drop of sarcasm to her voice . " Are we getting out of the car while it 's still daytime , or are we waiting on a spectacular sunset ? " She followed the comment with a sly grin and a flutter of eyelids . Officer Jackson didn 't say anything . Removing himself from the vehicle , he opened the door for her and held out an assisting hand . " What , I can 't stand up by myself ? " Angela gave another small grin , stepping into a small pockmark in the parking lot . She keeled to the left and Officer Jackson barely caught her before she hit the ground . " Apparently you have a hard time standing up in those shoes . " He smiled back but she remained straight - faced . Angela 's gaze slammed into him , leaving him speechless and gawking . Her cheeks seemed to be a deeper red than before . Still she said nothing , not even a thank you . Dwayne dropped his smile faster than Angela had fallen . He helped her achieve stability in her shoes and shut the cruiser door behind her . " If you 'll follow me , we 'll get all the paperwork done and out of the way . " He turned and walked into the station . Angela followed slowly , being cautious not to trip on anymore miniature craters . She wanted to say something , to break the silence and to see his striking smile again , but she didn 't want to create any more tension than she already had . He 's probably married already anyway , Angela thought to herself , frowning . So this must be his wife . Operating in the same field . Figures . Angela breezed by the woman and didn 't give her a second glance , even though she greeted Angela all the same . Angela was too focused on making sure that she didn 't lose sight of Officer Jackson . He had passed through a security zone and Angela followed suit , but they made her go through twice because she set off the alarm . She removed her shoes and tried again , only to be beeped at a third time . Officer Jackson waited as another officer checked her with his little baton , and allowed her to pass . Angela reclaimed her shoes and began to put them back on but was left behind by Officer Jackson . " Can you wait for me ? I don 't know where you 're going . " She felt foolish asking him to wait for her , but he never stopped walking . The same officer that cleared her through security showed her a short row of hard plastic chairs off to one side of the hallway . Angela sat and finished putting on her shoes . She was confused by what had happened this morning ; she was trapped and he saved her , treated her like a lady . Now that they were at the station he was cold towards her . Maybe he doesn 't want to arouse suspicion about how he really feels . . . Maybe he 's hiding it from his wife . She sure didn 't get a big smile from him when we walked in . Angela began losing herself in her thoughts , forgetting that she was waiting for Officer Jackson to bring her paperwork . Her hands stung a little but she was too tired to notice . She started drifting to sleep when she was snapped awake by the same woman she saw when she came in the station . " Hi . I 'm Miss Jackson , but you can call me Darla . I 'm told your hands could use some bandaging . " Darla smiled at Angela and held out a hand to receive one of hers . " I 'll be gentle . I promise . " " There are lots of splinters in my hands . I can feel them . I don 't think washing them would be the best idea . " Angela withdrew her hands from Darla 's , but Darla was ready . " That 's fine dear . We 'll just pour some peroxide to see where the bubbles happen . Then we can dig out those splinters and disinfect at the same time . Shall we ? " Darla held out her hand again , this time as if to help Angela stand . " I have a feeling that Miss Murray may not realize that today is not the twenty - first of April . She seemed reluctant to answer that question when I asked . Should we do a psych test ? " Officer Jackson copied the information from his little notepad onto the official report form . His scribbles were hardly legible , but it didn 't really matter for a case like this where the victim was still alive and in no obvious sort of danger . " I 'll see what Phyllis thinks about her when she 's done having her hands fixed , but I don 't think we would need to do a full evaluation just because she got the date mixed up . The twenty - first was only two days ago . " The chief pulled a long drag from his cigar and leaned back in his chair . His Elvis - style combover was heavily grayed , but he didn 't care . His wife would beg him to use Rogaine but he didn 't see the point . " That depends . How long does she intend to stay up there ? " Chief Dixon leaned forward , stubbing out his cigar and placing it in the right hand drawer of his desk . " We did not discuss her intentions of her stay , or her intentions for the house . " Dwayne paused . " Now that I think of it , we didn 't discuss much of anything . She was pretty quiet the whole drive down . " " Huh . I saw her walk in on the camera . She doesn 't seem like the kinda gal to just ' not talk . ' What 's she playing at I wonder ? " He squinted his eyes at the camera that showed the bathroom doors . He waited for a few moments and then shook his head as if to rid himself of a fly . " Maybe I 'll order that psych eval after all . " While Chief Dixon dialed Phyllis , Officer Jackson was thinking about Angela 's golden hair , flipped out a little at the bottom . She seemed harmless . But he knew better than to take anything at face value . With a flip of his hand he excused himself from the chief 's office and headed back down the hall . He knocked lightly on the door of the women 's bathroom . " Really , you can 't let a lady do her business alone can you ? " Officer Jackson jumped back from the door when Darla opened it with her exclamation . Darla laughed , and he saw a brief smile creep across Angela 's face . He couldn 't be sure , but it seemed like maybe that smile was meant only for him to see . " You have to stop jumping out at me like that Darla . You 're going to get me in trouble . A poor helpless guy like me can 't take a strained heart . " Darla laughed again and dismissed the comment . Angela looked confused . " Well , regardless of the condition of your heart , you should be glad to know that we got all the splinters out of Angie 's hands . She 's all taped up and good to go . " Darla turned her smile to Angela , who grimaced back . Angela muttered a small " Thank you , " and stepped around Darla . " Thanks Darla . I appreciate your help . " Officer Jackson sent her a wink , then looked toward Angela . Her pretty smile was completely disappeared now . She crossed her arms against her chest and looked down the hall , towards the chief 's office . " Great . Let 's get out of here . " Her words were quietly sharp , as if to soften the blow . It didn 't really work . Maybe I shouldn 't be so snappy , she thought to herself . But it doesn 't matter anyway , he 's standing here joking around with his wife in front of me . Gross . " I thought this room would be a little more comfortable than an actual interrogation room . Have a seat . " He closed the door behind her as she entered , and she sat in one of the many office chairs around an oblong mahogany table . She wondered what this room was typically used for , when people weren 't filling out paperwork . " I 'm glad we get to be alone for this part . " Angela said absentmindedly , flipping through the papers for a good starting point . She looked up at Officer Jackson , but he was staring at the window . She looked back down at the papers . Full name : Angela Emmaline Murray . This was going to be a piece of cake . " Oh , um . That 's my uncle 's house . Or it was , anyway . " Angela fluttered her eyelids but didn 't look up at the handsome cop . Her lip quivered slightly and when she next spoke her voice was softer , more vulnerable . " He just died last week . " " I am sorry to hear that . " Officer Jackson replied . Angela put down her pen a little more dramatically than necessary and covered her face with her hands . She heaved a fake sigh and peeked at the officer through her fingers . " Shh . It will be alright . He 's in a better place now . " Dwayne reached across the table and pulled her hands away from her face . He held them gently in his own , marveling at the redness in her cheeks and across her freckle - flecked nose . " We don 't have to talk about it if you don 't want to . " He said this softly , still holding her hands in his . Dwayne reached down the table and passed her the box of Kleenex . " Let 's finish this paperwork , then I 'll help you find some dinner . " " Okay . " Angela said this meekly , dabbing at her imaginary tears with one of the offered Kleenex . She looked up to find Dwayne looking at her dead - on . Angela held the eye contact , and with a deep breath asked , " Do I have to go back to that house tonight ? " She stuck out her lip and fluttered her eyes , catching imaginary tears with the Kleenex again . " Oh , of course not . We 'll get you set up with a nice room at the bed and breakfast . I think that would do you some good . " They walked back out to the cruiser and he escorted her to the front seat this time . He held the door open for her . She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she got in , flashing another dazzling smile his way . Twenty minutes in the back of the cop cruiser and Angela was ready to be standing up again . There wasn 't much space , it was smelly , the leather seats were sticky against her bare arms . Plus she couldn 't see Officer Jackson 's face . She wanted to gaze into those dark , endless eyes but she was caught staring at him in the rearview three times too many , so she forced herself to look out the window . Besides , she was pretty sure that he didn 't want to stare back into a pair of baby blues that were surrounded by red puffy cheeks and a raw nose . Her hair was disheveled and frizz was the ruler of all . Wow , I look like a hot mess . How can he even stand to look at me ? Angela wondered this to herself , biting her chapped lips and saving her grimaces for the tinted window . She slumped down in the seat and looked at her hands . The once pristine palms and delicate fingers were now tender from scrapes and splinters , swollen and bloody . She tried wiping her hands on her designer jeans to dispel some of the dried blood , but this was a mistake . Some of the splinters reminded her who was boss , stinging and making her hiss through her teeth . This action didn 't actually rid her hands of any of their stains , but some of her wounds started seeping again , with nowhere to drip but right onto that wallet - splitting designer denim she wore so proudly . So much for keeping a nice pair . Angela looked up to see if the cop was looking at her . He was . She expected it but she didn 't at the same time . Taken a little off her guard she blushed and dropped her gaze , holding for a moment before looking at him in the mirror through her long eyelashes . Angela had been blessed with naturally long eyelashes . Most times she didn 't have to curl them either . Angela held the look for as long as she dared , which wasn 't long at all . She had always made men come to her , rather than chasing after them herself . She was an up - and - coming young lady ; there wasn 't time for galavanting around with silly boys . She sighed , but only as an attention - getter . Stony - faced once more , she let the blur of the trees consume her thoughts . We can pulverize one thought and forge another . We can splice two thoughts together into an entirely new idea . An idea or a thought can change and morph into something more complex and reinforced . Its a digital - eat - paper world out there , and even I am participating in it . But I can tell you that I still prefer those " old " books - - the ones made from real paper , not like the iPad , or the thing that 's been sold through amazon , what 's it called ? I can 't remember . Some fancy thing that you can download books to , and that isn 't supposed to hurt your eyes as you read it . Coming back around to what I was attempting to say previously , which is basically , let 's not forget where we came from , the technology ( or lack thereof ) that preceded this moment . We shouldn 't put aside these items and claim that they do not matter , because they do . You cannot have what you have now without some thing that you had before . Angela had collapsed against the wall almost immediately after slamming the door closed . Her breathing was out of control and tears ran freely down her cheeks . The only sound now was her sobs echoing through the broken down house . She sat there for what seemed like hours , trembling still from the sounds . A loud knock at the front door made her scream again , and the next thing she heard was the front door creaking open . Frantically she searched the room for any sort of object to defend herself with , but found nothing . She picked up her cell phone from the nightstand , having forgotten about it entirely after re - entering the room . She decided that calling the cops was the best bet , so she quickly dialed and waited for the ring to chime in her ear . She only had a bar left of battery , so she hoped that she would be able to get through . The dispatcher answered quickly and Angela explained her situation . " My name is Angela and I 'm at my deceased uncle 's house at the top of Suncrest Hill . I have good cause to believe there is an intruder in the house with me . Please send someone , please . " " Ma ' am , try to stay calm , " Angela hadn 't realized she sounded so hysterical until then , so tried to take a few calming breaths . " I have an officer on the way . Do you have any idea who the intruder might be ? " " I don 't think you understand . I 'm trapped in the guest room armed only with my cell phone . I swear nothing in here has a rough edge or sharp corner on it . The only exit is through the front door . The only window is maybe thirteen inches across . There is no way I 'm getting through that . " As she said this , she did think it was strange that there was such a small window in the guest room . She hadn 't noticed its size last night when she had come in the house . It was unnerving all the same to find that it wasn 't big enough to climb through . It was placed high on the wall , so even if it was human - sized , there was almost no going through it . A loud creak from the hallway brought Angela back to the present . She automatically dashed to the far side of the queen bed , putting it between her and the door . The dispatcher heard the quick movement and inquired about it . " I think the intruder is in the hall now , outside my room . Oh , " Angela whispered as quietly as she could , but she still wanted the lady on the other end of the phone to hear what was going on . Her breath started to catch in her chest again and she could feel the fear swelling in her belly , pushing on her lungs and pressuring her heart to move faster . " That 's what I 'm doing . " Angela spat . Just as she said that there was a very soft tap tap tap on the door to her bedroom . She got all the way down on the floor on the far side of the bed , and peeked underneath the bed towards the door . There were several boxes and an old pair of men 's loafers obstructing her view . " I 'm going to crawl under the bed , with some other boxes that are already there . " Angela told her dispatcher . " I 'm going to have to put the phone down for a moment to do this . " Angela wiggled her way under the bed among the half empty boxes . There were cobwebs everywhere , and the layer of dust on the floor was enough to make her gag . She prayed that she didn 't see any of the eight - legged creatures that created the cobwebs or she might scream . She couldn 't stand the thought of awkwardly bent legs each moving delicately but at their own time and pace ; the bristles on their legs wiry and stiff , caressing her skin as it moved along , and as if the eight legs weren 't enough , there were eight disgustingly reflective eyes that were always watching your every move . Angela realized she was holding her breath and clenching her fists . She wasn 't sure if she had hung up on the dispatcher or not . " Are you still there ? I 'm under the bed now . I 'm so scared . " Her voice quivered , threatening to become squeaky if she continued speaking . " I 'm still here Angela . The officer said he has just pulled up to the house , so it should be very soon that you 'll be seeing him . His name is Officer Dwayne Jackson . " " Okay . " Angela 's hands were shaking . The tap tap tap had been steadily increasing in frequency and sounded anxious . The doorknob had rattled once or twice , but Angela couldn 't remember having locked the door behind her . She wasn 't even sure that it could lock . Or if it had a lock , there was nothing to say that it still worked anymore since the rest of the house was in such bad condition . Angela was finding it hard to breathe with all the dust and cobwebs , and the cop who was supposedly in her driveway but not yet rescuing her from this torment , this tiny rotting prison that was her bedroom . Her hands stung from the splinters but she wasn 't steady enough to try to dig them out , and the dust wasn 't helping anything either . She started crying out of desperation and exhaustion ; she didn 't know what else to do . " Angela ? " It shouted . " This is Officer Jackson , if you 're in the house let me know . I 've not found anyone else here . " Angela whimpered underneath the bed . She heard the door open but wasn 't sure if she should reveal her hiding spot just yet . But any intruder wouldn 't know that the officer 's name should be Jackson , so it had to be a real cop . Footsteps soon attached themselves to a pair of heavy boots with a good coating of mud , and dark blue pants covering the tops . Between splotches of mud she could see that they were very shiny boots indeed . The officer kneeled down on the floor and peered under the bed at her . " Well let 's get you out of there and cleaned up . " He moved to the side of the bed and Angela began wiggling her way out from under the bed . She hadn 't made much progress before Officer Jackson had moved the bed out of the way for her . Angela started to push herself up with her hands but gave a yelp when the pressure reminded her of her injuries . " Your hands look pretty bad . How did you get those looking so bad ? " He helped her up and had her sit on the bed . He turned over each of her hands slowly in his own . Her pale skin was rough from scrapes and splinters , and there was blood dried on in places . What wasn 't covered in blood was covered in dust from her adventure on the bedroom floor . She felt embarrassed to have her hands being examined while they were in such a poor state . His hands were strong but soft to the touch . His dark skin thrilled her in an unexpected kind of way . She avoided looking him in the eye . He asked her some question that went unregistered on her ears . She chewed her lip nervously . She never looked less than perfect in the presence of another person . How could I let myself look like this ? She thought to herself . I should have been better prepared for this interaction . Angela brought her left hand to her forehead in the realization that she was being unreasonable . She had just been scared out of her wits by who knows what and she was worried about her appearance . " It 's April . The twenty - first . " Angela looked up at the officer 's face , watching closely for any indication of concern . The corner of his mouth twitched in a funny way . Officer Jackson helped her up and handed her the cell phone that she had left on the floor . Angela closed the phone , having forgotten about the dispatcher on the other line . Chances were the dispatcher had heard the officer 's voice and had disconnected the call first anyway . She carried her shoes and her keys wrapped in her sweater that she 'd abandoned earlier that morning . The officer walked into the hall , leaving the door open for Angela to follow . She peeked carefully around the corner , cautious about entering the hallway . Officer Jackson stopped by the front door and looked for Angela . " Do you need help ? " He knew this question was unnecessary but asked it anyway . He walked back down the hall to where she stood and offered his arm to her . " I would take your hand but that probably wouldn 't feel very nice for you , so you can hold onto my arm and we 'll walk together . How does that sound ? " Angela looked him in the eyes and really saw him for the first time . His russet skin tone was just as magical as his hands had been , gently inspecting her own . His eyes were dark but had a spark to them that was entrancing . Angela had attached herself firmly to his strong arm without noticing , and when she finally broke their eye contact , he made a sound that was reminiscent of a soft chuckle . He shook his head in disbelief . " Windy is an understatement for last night 's weather . " Angela smiled at his comment , and nearly screamed when Officer Jackson picked her clear up and negotiated the stairs on his own . Once they were on solid ground again he put her down gently , and continued to let her use his arm . Angela was barefoot but they went slowly , and he even opened the door of the patrol car for her . He made her sit in the backseat , even though he wished he could get away with not following procedure this time . I went to the Smashing Pumkins / Cake concert last night and it rained for about the first 1 / 3 of the show , so while all the smaller bands were playing . It had cleared up by the time that Cake took the stage , and that was fine with us . Being damp and cold and in the dark at a concert is no fun , but when the band is the one that cheers you up , you 're glad you didn 't cut out early . At one point during Cake 's performance they stalled because they were trying to decide what song they should play next , and being towards the back of the crowd I knew they would never hear my feebly shouted request . I shouted anyway , ( feebly as I said before ) my simple request . The band thanked the audience for all their suggestions , but said " we 're going to play what we feel like playing anyway . " The guitar started , as often happens , before they got into the meat of the song . And what do you know , a moment later , they were playing " Love You Madly " just like i requested ! ! ! ! It was amazing , and its probably my favorite song by them , and I already had intentions of playing it at our wedding but seeing and hearing it live was a golden moment . And of course I danced like a maniac with Alex standing right there , and yes he laughed at my and tried to make me stop dancing as I was probably being slightly embarrassing , but I DIDN ' T CARE ! cuz it was awesome . I 'm SO glad we didn 't leave early , cuz it would have sucked to miss the rest of that show . And also , we bought an album of a British band called " A Silent Film . " They were particularly good and it was also their first time in America ( period ) not to mention their first time performing here . While they only had about a half hour and so only played a handful of songs , it was taken well by the crowd and there was a decent line to wait for the album . Which was only ten dollars ! * sigh * I do love me some Buzz Beach Ball . On another note , I 've been slacking on the writing fronts lately , so expect a lot from me today . Tomorrow is a pretty sizable day , since I 'm having another trial run done on my hair for the wedding . And I have plans to hang with some friends ! woo ! woo ! My friend is sick and I wish they weren 't . I wish I could help , but I cannot . And so I write , and I make lots of really bad jokes and I cross my fingers that they bring about laughter and they generally do . We shall write together , and gush together , and have lots of fun and snarkiness in general . That is what I love about my friend : she is never afraid . ( At least , not to my face . ) Angela woke up the next morning with a start - - a noise from the front of the house had brought her out of her sleepy daze . It happened again , a loud thumping sound as if someone was routinely dropping a large something on the wood floor . She crawled out of bed cautiously , digging her sweater out of the nightstand drawer . The room was still very dark from the overcast sky outside , but at least the rain had subsided for the time being . Angela struggled with her sweater for a moment before giving up ; she 'd just have to go adventuring in her tank top this morning . She reached for her shoes but decided the heels would make too much noise on the hardwood floors . Instead she grabbed the lamp and switched it on , and slowly opened the bedroom door and peeked into the hallway . The door creaked a little and she paused , not wanting to alert any possible intruders . Angela managed to squeeze through the slightly open door without pushing it any further ; and the lamp dimly lit the hallway around her . She noticed the walls were a deep mahogany color , darker than she remembered them being . It was possible that her uncle could have re - finished the wood stain in the whole house , but that seemed like it would have been a very daunting task . Angela tip - toed down the hall , holding the lamp low in front of her . She didn 't want to block her view and she certainly didn 't want to trip . If there was any part of the inside of the house that was in as bad of shape as the outside , she wanted to know about it before she had the opportunity to trip . Angela was clumsy too , not very coordinated when it came to walking or just about anything else . Her mother had taken her to the doctor when she was a teenager , concerned that Angela wouldn 't be able to have a normal life . The doctor was convinced there was nothing wrong with Angela , that she was simply prone to tripping and stubbing her toes a lot . " It can happen to anyone , " the doctor had said . " It 's really nothing to worry about . Now , if she starts tripping every time she takes a step , then you should be concerned . " Angela realized she had paused in her journey down the hall , but also registered that the sounds she had been hearing a little while before had ceased . She stood very still , listening to the wind blow faintly outside , hearing some of the shutters on the windows creak gently . If she stood there long enough who knows what she would hear . She gave another look up and down the hallway , checking behind her . She wasn 't sure what she was looking for exactly , but it never hurt to be sure . Now that she thought about it , she probably should have tucked her phone into her jeans pocket before she left the room in case there was an emergency . She shook her head quickly , as if to expel that thought from her mind . There will be no emergency , she thought to herself . I am the only one in this house and that 's that . She took a deep breath and continued down the hall . Only three more paces and she 'd be in the living room , where she had found the lamp . She wondered what else she would find today as she explored the house in daylight and hopefully , electricity . She took two more steps . Only one to bring her to face the living room , with the old plaid couch with wool cushions , the crusty coffee table , and the tube television that probably didn 't work anymore . She remembered tracing the permanent cup rings on the top of that coffee table when she was little . It was kind of a surprise that her uncle hadn 't updated his furniture in so long . But now that she was just around the corner from all of those memories , she couldn 't bring herself to face them . What was so horrible about an old outdated couch anyway ? After all , she was the only one in the house . Another deep breath and she lifted her right foot to take the final step into the den . In mid - step the loud BANG resounded through the whole house . Windows rattled in their rotting panes , Angela screamed and threw the battery lamp up and behind her , she fell to the floor . Everything went topsy - turvy and she couldn 't feel her legs . The batteries popped out of the lamp and landed at the end of the hall . Her eyes felt about the same . Now on the floor , she rolled to her stomach and crawled frantically toward the guest room to find her phone . With no natural light in the hallway , it was almost pitch black . The old hardwood was starting to splinter in areas that she hadn 't noticed before . But she hardly cared . Tears streamed down her pampered cheeks as she worked her way back to the room . She didn 't stop to look behind her but crawled as fast as her jelly legs would allow . The thumps continued with increasing frequency until she was in her room and had slammed the door shut behind her . People might ask how I find her so inspiring , but its hard to explain . When I was little ( this sounds funny to me ) I used to watch Golden Girls with my grandmother and at any opportunity I had ; and her character as Rose had me hooked from the beginning . I couldn 't get enough . Recently , some of her fellow cast members from that show have passed away , or otherwise disappeared into fewer and fewer acting roles , which is sad but in a bittersweet sort of way . This summer she launched her new show " Hot in Cleveland " which I watched every episode of , and laughed through each one . The other women in the cast with her ( excuse me for here forgetting their names ) are each talented and beautiful women as well , and I cannot imagine the honor it must be to work alongside Miss Betty or any of the others for that matter . Though it was the maiden season of this show , I can hardly wait for more , and I believe it said it would return in January ( but don 't hold me to that , I 'm not the producer ) . Either way , I have a large respect for her . Shifting the car into park in the gravel driveway , she was nervous to turn off the engine . She had driven to the old house a million times before but never in the middle of the night like this . And in fact , she couldn 't think of a time when she had ever stayed the night in the house . But now that her uncle had died , it was time for some things to be taken care of . Her mother was anxious for someone to stay in the house and so Angela had driven out to the farm in the evening , but it was dark before she left her home two hours ago . Her uncle 's house was eerily dark without any lights on . The outside lights weren 't even on , so Angela assumed that the neighbor had the electricity shut off the day that her uncle had died . No one understood why her Uncle Stephen had added his neighbor onto all of his utility bills . Angela 's mother suspected for a long time that Stephen wasn 't able to afford his bills or his home , but he had refused any kind of family financial loan that anyone had offered . He was incredibly adamant about not accepting monetary help . Angela looked all around the car before finally killing the engine and stepped out of her shiny black Lexus . Her designer heels sunk into the mud and she almost fell . The shock of it unnerved her , but she quickly regained her footing and took her purse from the car . The woods surrounding the house loomed precariously overhead as she walked up to the old house . Trees heaved and groaned in the wind . Angela 's hair was in her face and she could barely see to wobble across the yard in her heels . When she reached the front stairs she could easily see they were in serious need of repair . The top stair was completely missing , and the other three steps were severely broken . When she finally made it onto the porch , she scrambled to find the key to the front door . A big gust of wind opened the door for her and Angela almost fell again . She could tell it was going to be a long night . Once inside the house she shut and locked the door . Using her cell phone as a light source she found a small battery - operated lamp and turned it on . She carried it back to the door and flipped the light switch on , but nothing happened . Roaming through the rest of the house she found several candles and some matches . She carried two to the guest room , where she found a stripped bed , with fresh linens in the hall closet . She was glad that her uncle liked to keep things neat around his house . A small investigation of the kitchen proved that the gas was still on and that the stove worked . At least she would have a way to cook tomorrow . She would have to go into town in the morning for groceries and to turn on the electricity again . A soft murmur from her mother on the phone . Angela folded her sweater and put it in the nightstand drawer . She didn 't really want to sleep in her jeans , but she didn 't have a whole lot of choice . With the storm striking up she hadn 't wanted to bring in her overnight bag . Angela put her cell phone next to the lamp on the nightstand and crawled under the covers . She sighed . She hated storms , and this one promised to be pretty intense . She hoped that it would pass by the morning . It was going to be a long night . I 've signed up for NaNoWriMo for the first time . Some other friends of mine have participated in past years ( I don 't know whether they made the 50 , 000 word goal or not . ) As for me , I hope that I can achieve something through this , and have a novel to continue to work on later . So even if I get a great start on things for a book , then I will have gained something large . Working as a Graduate Teaching Assistant while also earning my MA in English . Worked as a Freelance Writer / Assistant Editor at Echo Ink Review , a literary journal based in Mission Kansas ( 2011 ) . Published " First Snow , " a short story , in Quivira in 2010 , a collegiate journal of student work . Will be published in the upcoming edition of Quivira : " Blueberry Muffins , " a poem . |
I don 't know if there is life out there in outer space , but when I was a kid I thought a UFO had landed in our front yard and the " Aliens " were going to beat our door down in the middle of the night . I am a pretty hard sleeper and can sleep through just about anything . So I am not sure what it was about this night that made me wake up . It was 3 am and I was sound asleep . When I woke up I saw flashing lights . Keep in mind we lived in the boondocks , the middle of nowhere . I was terrified . I crawled out of my room and into my parents room to wake my Mom up . Nothing wakes my Dad up . I kept telling her that there was a UFO outside my room . Of course she thought I had lost it . I never talked about aliens or UFOs before , but I loved the movie ET . We poked and prodded my Dad until he got up and went to the door . Cause you know the " aliens " were beating on the door . I will never live it down . It was a police car with it 's lights flashing , and a policeman ( alien ) beating on the door . I don 't even remember why he was there , but he scared the living daylights out of me . Sunday afternoon McD and I were working hard around here . He was cutting down cedar trees , big and small . I was chopping thistles before they went to seed . I will admit , I am not very attractive when I work . Let me paint this picture for you . I had really old jeans on , a tank top , work boots , my hair up in a pony tail with all kinds of shorter hairs popping out everywhere . You ladies can relate , can 't you ? No make up on . And I was sweating like a man . I carry my camera with me wherever I go . So I just happened to have it when we went by one of my favorite trees . It is the perfect tree for photos . McD agreed to let me take a few photos of him on that tree . We get out and 25 shots later he decides to take a photo of me . Oh no ! I carry the camera and take photos for a reason . . . so I am not in them . Put me in a professional studio and I love it . But in snapshots I look like an idiot . Gotta have that professional touch , called an airbrush . LOL Muncy Photography - see if you can find me and McD . I secretly wanted to be a model . Shhh ! ! ! Don 't tell anyone . So I get on the tree . I smile . I look like crap . But I smile anyway . You will notice the photos of me are not here . Sorry . Somethings just aren 't meant for the net . If someone needs a photo to scare pests out of the garden let me know . We may be able to work something out . But then he did it , he made my day . He went on and on about how good I looked . Of course I laughed . You can imagine the conversation . No make up . Hair a mess . But apparently he likes the way I look when I am out there working . Thank goodness . Cause I think I am pretty scary . He really knows how to make me feel good . And I love him for it ! ! Yesterday I traveled almost 3 hours to my hometown . For a hair appointment . It went great - love my new cut . Then we received a call that my Grandparents were coming and would be there at dinner time . So Mom and I rushed around trying to get everything done that we had planned before they got there . We did it ! What a day - I was feeling great ! ! ! Then . . . We got to the restaurant to meet my Grandparents . The Cracker Barrel . We walked in . I looked up and saw a lady that looked vaguely familiar . Apparently I looked very familiar to her . She yelled out , " Is this my Second Grader ? " Not just once . Twice . It was dinner time . The waiting area / store was pretty full ! I had more people looking at me than I could count . I do not like being the center of attention , especially with people I do not know . Here she came . Mrs . Tomlinson . Second grade teacher obviously . Apparently I have the same " little 2nd grade face " and I am just " beautiful . " This lady does not speak softly . She is screeching everything she says . That voice was so annoying in the second grade and it just keeps getting worse ! I stood there with a smile on my face . For at least 10 minutes . It seemed like an hour . This is the second time I have seen her in a year . Lucky me ! The last time she met McDreamy , was told all about my life as a student , where I live , if I have kids , etc . So what happened this time . I had to tell her everything all over again . Except this time the kid thing went a little further . After asking how long I had been married , 14 years , she said that that was fine . Her son and his wife waited 7 years . And " waiting is fine if you want children . " My reply , " I don 't . " I have 2 step - sons that I love very much , one of them has twins and I love them very much , the other son has one on the way . I do not want kids of my own . If you think that makes me a bad person , then . . . see ya ! I did not tell her all of that . But I wanted to . After telling her my life story all over again I thought the conversation would be over . No ! Since we did not ask her about her lifposted by Another Chance Ranch at 6 / 28 / 2006 09 : 00 : 00 AM Everyone meet Mia ! Mia ( previously known as Baylor ) found us on May 15th . She and one of her young , now known as Woody . We ran an ad in the paper for a week . The only calls we received were calls from people wanting the puppy . No one wanted the Momma dog . We had started calling her Momma Mia , but have shortened it to just Mia . We gave the puppy to some friends . Decided we would keep her . Hoss ( our other dog ) needed a friend . And they were already inseparable . So we couldn 't send her away now . Then we made an appointment to have her spayed . ( We didn 't need any puppies ! ) At 10 : 45 p . m . on May 28th we received a call . Well , I think it is totally rude to call someone after 10 unless it is an emergency . So , I did not answer the phone . I did listen to the message . I was furious ! ! It was the Owner of the dogs ! At almost 11 ! Don 't they have any manners ? I was ticked off . I could hardly sleep ! So . . . . . I called them back at 6 : 30 a . m . and Yes ! I woke their butts up ! ! I was so pleased ! Two can play at that game . They woke me up the night before . I told them that we gave the puppy away . It went to a good home , yada yada . He said that is all he cared about . I told him that I could bring him the momma dog . And he paused . He paused ! Okay . . . your dog has been missing for who knows how long and you pause ! ? Then he says , " Well , I really don 't want her . " WHAT ! ? " Do you want her ? " This is where I paused . Trying to choose my words wisely . I said , " We had already decided that we would keep her . So I guess we will . " I then asked him how long they had been missing - he said they ran off the day before they found us . If that is the truth then he didn 't feed her . We could count each and every rib when she came here . They only live a couple of miles away . We found out her age , that they are full - blood , and that this was her second litter of pups . Oh and her name , well . . . we didn 't think she looked like a Baylor ( isn 't that more of a boy name ? ) . Have you ever heard the term - MudButt ? This is the term the kids would use when the twins would have a dirty diaper . Just imagine the little ones , and I mean little , running around saying " MudButt ! " until someone would change their diaper . This photo isn 't exactly the same mudbutt , but I thought it would be better than the alternative . At least it was mudbutt and not something else like caca 's or something worse . Did you have a special name for the dirty diapers ? When I was a baby , they called them dirty diapers . Back in the day . Or when I was about 9 years old . My Aunt and Uncle from California came to visit us . She wasn 't like anyone I had ever seen before in my life . She looked like a female Ronald McDonald . Okay , that may be harsh but as a kid that was all I had to compare her to . I loved Ronald McDonald and all of his toys . So it was meant in the best way ! She really made an impression . My family was in the middle of building a home and they wanted to see the building site . We drove them out there and they were amazed . The house wasn 't huge or anything like that , it was a very modest house . But they obivously hadn 't been out in the country very much . Or as they called it . . . the Forest . She asked me if I was excited that I was going to live in the forest . I was a bit confused . Cause we weren 't going to live in the forest . I wonder if they expected us to hitch the wagon up and take them to town . A momma dog , now Mia , and her puppy found us in May . We found the puppy a good home and kept Mia because she and my dog Hoss had become inseparable . We got her spayed and she loves her new home . Her previous owners , a whole other story , said they had cattle but we couldn 't tell . She barked and barked at the cattle . She minds pretty well , so she stopped when we yelled at her ( several times ) . Then one day this is what we saw . . . This is Mia sitting by the fence because she knows the calves will come over to her . Mia turned around and started licking this heifers nose . The heifer even licked Mia . Interesting friendship . When the heifer gets all into the whole attention from Mia thing , Mia decides she has had enough and goes and sits just far enough for her new friend to be able to watch her . Which she did for quite a while . Mia ended up laying there for most of the morning . With the U . S . Open ending yesterday I thought I would toss out my mortifying golf experience . Many years ago , more than ten , McDreamy and I along with some friends had taken to playing golf . Basically , we chased that stupid little white ball . But we practiced at the driving range quite often . Had even gotten a little better . And then . . . Then one evening our friends called wanting to go to the driving range . Sure . We 'd love to . When we arrived there were only a few other people there . We all got our balls , lined up and started driving that stupid little white ball . If you 've never been to a driving range here is how it is set up . There is a long row of golf bag rests about 15 feet or so apart . Or that is how it is here . We are talking and laughing . Having a good time . When I pull out a driver and tee up . When my club hit the ball something went terribly wrong . Really . Really . Wrong . It did not go straight out into the range . It went straight up the person 's butt that was standing in front of me . I can still picture it to this day . We had no idea who he was . He grabbed his hiney . I hit the ground howling with laughter . Trying to apologize all at the same time . Everyone else in my party was laughing . We were in tears we were laughing so hard . Oh the poor guy . He kept a hold of his hiney . Packed up his stuff and got the you know what out of Dodge . Needless to say . . . no one would ever stand in front of me again at the range . Now . I just don 't go . IT RAINED ! And it is supposed to rain some more ! 1 . 2 inches is not a lot compared to what we need . It is a start though and you won 't hear me complaining . We are weird folks . I will admit it now . I won 't deny it . We headed out to see the clouds and rain coming in . See . Weird . Off to our west there was a strange pink color to the clouds . It was almost 10 p . m . at this time so we knew it had nothing to do with the sunset . But that is the kind of look it had . McDreamy got bored with it all , or wanted to see the Severe Thunderstorm Warning one and went in the house . I went into the house to see if I could capture the pinkish clouds on camera . I couldn 't . But when I made it back outside the pink was coming up from the ground . FIRE ! When you live out in the middle of no where and need rain as badly as we did . This can freak a person out . So I am worried about the fire . McD said it wasn 't one , so quit worrying . Less than 5 minutes later we are smelling the smoke . And the wind was blowing like crazy . In our direction . Thank goodness the rain came when it did . If you can 't convince them , confuse them . - - Harry S . Truman ( This suits today perfectly . One of my 20 page papers is due today . ) I love spring time . Officially it isn 't summer yet . Even though we have had the summer time temps , sometimes 100 + , but it doesn 't officially start June 20th or 21st . So where were the April Showers ? May Flowers ? We are in a drought . By the way , did you know there are two ways to say drought . Some people say it like it is spelled , others throw a " th " sound on the end . I don 't understand that second one , but hey whatever floats your boat . Or should I say flies your kite . I don 't know , I made that kite thing up . Without water their boat isn 't going to float . As you can see our pond is completely dry , and that boat isn 't going anywhere . Anyone know a raindance ? I am willing to try it . As kids we loved to chase and catch fireflies . Now after learning a bit more about them I bet they were pretty mad when we disturbed them . Read on . . . There are 136 species of fireflies , each with a distinctive rate of flashes per second ( produced by a chemical called luciferase ) , which they use to attract the opposite sex . Their favorite hangouts are east of the Rocky Mountains and away from the city lights . You 'll see more of them in July , when the adults come out to mate . Oh yeah , and they 're not flies - - they are beetles . ( Info found in Real Simple magazine . ) Okay , so here we are , kids trying to catch these flying beetles with lit behinds trying to find the opposite sex to mate . No wonder we don 't see many anymore . The mating ritual gets interrupted by little people ! Dowsing is a new term for me . I grew up hearing it called witching , or water witching . Dowsing is the action of a person - - called the dowser - - using a rod , stick or other device - - called a dowsing rod , dowsing stick , or divining rod - - to locate such things as underground water , hidden metal , buried treasure ( yea , right ) , oil , etc . Since dowsing is not based upon any known scientific or empirical laws or forces of nature , it should be considered a type of divination . The dowser tries to locate objects by occult means . That is why it is also known as " witching for water . " We drilled for water on Tuesday , and got nada , nothing , zilch ! They drilled through 40 feet of shale and after pulling the drill out saw nothing but dust . It was a sad day . These guys have got it made . Sure it IS a lot of work , I will give them that . But they do not believe in " witching " , they just pick a spot they think there might be water and they go for it . To me there is something wrong with that picture . Wouldn 't you want to know that there is a good chance you will hit water instead of just a shot in the dark ? After basically just throwing away all that money , see they still charge even if they don 't find water . Might find water , might not . . . still get paid . It kind of chaps me . After throwing the money down a deep , dry hole . . . I decided I was going to try to witch some water . They say some people have the gift , and other do not . Our neighbor told me that she had some rods and we would test my ability at her house . She knows where there is water there and I do not . So . . . we did it ! I did it ! ! It was so exciting ! Then we spent the next 3 hours witching water on our place . Now we have an idea where the water is , and we are going to get someone that has been doing it a while to see if he finds water in the same places we did . : ) This man we will have witching has already witched us one well , so we know he can do it ! Then we can drill with a little more confidence . My Mom has green thumb . Not literally . She had a dream to have a rather large flower bed . The dream came true a few years ago . Every year I try to take a few photos of her beautiful flowers . This year the lilies captured my attention . There is also this one but I am not sure what it is called . I think it was her Clematis . My thumb is slowly but surely getting greener . I think time has a lot to do with it , in my case anyway . And maybe remembering to water . I am working on it . So far I have kept some of my plants alive . One day I hope to have a bigger flower garden just like Mom 's . One day , back in the 70s , my Mom and I were out shopping . We were at C . R . Anthony 's buying some new clothes , I guess . We were having a great conversation just between mother and daughter . And then I asked her , " Mom , why is Daddy black ? " Without skipping a beat Mom said , " Just because he is . " Of course there were others around us , but she didn 't even look up from her shopping . What makes the story even better is that my Daddy wasn 't black . When I was a child , my Dad 's job kept him working outside in the sun quite a bit . He tanned very easily , sometimes to the point that he could look like a black man . Until he put shorts on . Then everyone knew he was most certainly a white man . I don 't remember ever saying this , but have been told this story many , many times . I wonder if they are just making it up ? ( They aren 't ! ) I realize that humor isn 't for everyone . It 's only for people who want to have fun , enjoy life , and feel alive . - - Anne Wilson Schaef Everytime I am with my Granny it seems we are on some kind of adventure . Even if we are just shopping , something happens . Granny rarely comes to visit me and this is fine . I should be the one making the two hour trip to her house . But she decided to come and check out our new home one day ( years ago . . . we are now in the big fifth wheel ) . We almost always go shopping when we are together , which is fine with me . I am not a big shopper , but we always find some bargains . She had just gotten a new mini van and wanted me to drive her around in it . All I could think about was that I was actually going to be driving a mini van . But I had sworn I would " never " drive a mini van . ( Never say never ! ) We got in her van and off we went . We had lunch at the mall and shopped there for a while . Then for some reason she wanted to go to K - Mart . So off we went . In Kmart she didn 't find what she wanted , so we left . We walked out the door and got into her van . Or what we thought was her van . We were in someone else 's van ! Apparently , they did not lock their vehicle and we were sitting in it . I thought I had unlocked her van with the keyless entry fob , but I could not get the key to work and told her that something was wrong . After mentioning the problem to her I noticed that all of her " valuable treasures " usually in her van were not there . The fluffy sheepskin things were not on the seat belts and more importantly her Bible was not in between the seats . She started laughing so hard I didn 't know if she was going to be able to get out of the van . I was just worried the owner would show up before we got out of there . We rushed ( as fast as a granny can ) to her van and just sat there for a minute howling . It was just too funny ! ! Here in the United States of America we are granted the right to pee for free , or use a toilet without being charged . Could you imagine having to go to the bathroom so bad that you couldn 't stand it but you couldn 't find a quarter ? Or better yet some odd amount like $ 0 . 45 . Years ago I traveled to Europe with my Granny and her dear friend , Elaine . Now this is quite a pair . We were going for a church retreat in Germany , but we went a few days early so Elaine and I could go to Austria as well . My Granny had been there before . She is a regular world traveler . We signed up for a private tour of Salzburg , Austria . There were many , many beautiful sites to see . We saw a mountain where the movie The Sound of Music was filmed . But it was covered with snow so we were unable to jump around and break out in song . On our tour we made a stop at a very unique building , I do not recall exactly what it was , but it was very pretty and closed . The guide said we just had to see it . We were getting ready to walk around and take pictures when Elaine announced she needed to tinkle . Well , the tour guide was no where to be found , so off we went to find the W . C . ( water closet ) . They are not called bathrooms , or restrooms there . We found a whole bunch of them . They were locked ! We could not figure it out ! Then after paying a little more attention to the locks we found that they were not just locks . You had to insert change in them to get them to open . We wanted a free pee . My gosh , charging to go to the bathroom ? Are they crazy ! ? Well , someone else must have been in worse shape than Elaine when they came across this little problem . Because after checking every lock we found one that had been busted . Elaine was estatic ! You have to understand that she is a penny pincher deluxe . To the point that she was not going to pay to pee . She was so happy that she didn 't have to pay that she talked about it all day ! Yesterday morning this whole area woke up in a fog . I really think it affected everyone kind of like a full moon . What a strange day . Thank goodness it is over ! ! ! This morning the sun was shining bright ! It is going to be a great day ! Hope everyone has a bright sun shiny day ! On Spring Break of 2005 , McDreamy and I went to spend a few days with his oldest son . Normally , we stayed in a local motel because there just wasn 't enough room at their house . But this trip was going to be special . They had just built a new home and now there was room . We were very excited . We could help with baths , night time rituals , etc . They were 2 year old alarm clocks . It was great , until . . . the morning after our arrival . The human alarm clock , Poohsie , came calling at 6 : 30 in the morning . That would be fine if we were back in Oklahoma , but we were in Colorado where the time is an hour earlier . I began my altered morning ritual . Trying to go to the bathroom alone being the first on my list . When I achieved my first task , I almost screamed ! I had been attacked ! ! ! I wondered why I was itching most of the night . I had been bitten at least a hundred times . By what ? I am not sure . We are guessing it was fleas . McDreamy , in the same bed all night long , did not get one single bite . How can that be ? I was so embarrassed , but I felt I had to say something . So , I went to Em and told her , and then showed her as well . She gasped ! The bites were everywhere . All around my panty line , the backs of my knees , my ankles , my belly button . . . it was awful . We found some itch cream , and back to the bathroom I went . We were all to go to town that afternoon . I thought I would go ahead and apply some more itch cream before we got into public and things became unbearable . I was sitting on the couch applying the cream to my ankles and shins when Poohsie wanted to play doctor . He wanted to apply the itch cream . Nothing wrong with that . He loves his Grandma and wants to help . Awww , how sweet . I had not thought about the fact that I was unable to shave that morning due to the severity of the bites . ( I really do shave . . . I just realized this is the second post about hairy legs . ) I helped him get a little cream on his little fingers and he reached out and rubbed the cream on a couple of bites . He looked up at me with a really sad look on hisposted by Another Chance Ranch at 6 / 07 / 2006 09 : 10 : 00 AM The miracles of nature do not seem miracles because they are so common . If no one had ever seen a flower , even a dandelion would be the most startling event in the world . - - Unknown If you have horses then you will know what I am about to say is true . When city people find out you have horses they automatically want to come and ride them . Agree ? Well , that is kind of what happened . A co - worker 's daughter , that is about my age , asked if she could go riding . She is a very nice girl and I like her a lot , so I said yes . The doctor I worked for is a horse man , so he insisted that I take the afternoon off . . . just to take Jennie riding . It was great ! I was out of the office ! ! She had been riding before , in my presence - just not my horse , and she rode quite well . I had no reservations . We saddled up and caught up with McDreamy , who was out checking cattle . We meandered around the ranch looking at cattle , longhorn cattle and other sites . McD 's horse had to stop to do his business , as horses often do . He raised his tail and proceeded to take a crap right in front of Jennie . She was astonished ! Not that he was doing his business , she had witnessed that before . But her exact words were . . . " Holy crap ! ! ! That is the largest sphincter I have ever seen ! " Spoken like a true city girl ! the flower you 've got to let grow . ( John Lennon ) Today is my parents ' 36th Wedding Anniversary . Therefore , the theme of the day is Love . Love doesn 't make the world go ' round . Love is what makes the ride worthwhile . - - Franklin P . JonesNewlyweds become oldyweds , and oldyweds are the reasons that families work . - - UnknownA wedding anniversary is the celebration of love , trust , partnership , tolerance , and tenacity . The order varies for any given year . - - Paul SweeneyTheir wedding was many years ago , yet the celebration continues to this day ! ! ! Love you Mom & Dad ! ! ! I slept a little late today . Big mistake ! Huge ! McDreamy woke me up at 8 a . m . We were to be at Sunday School Class at 9 , and keep in mind it takes roughly 15 to 20 minutes to get there . He was thinking there was no way we would make it , but we did . I knew that I did not have time to shower so I used a little extra deodorant . You can 't tell me you 've never done that before ! I got dressed , threw my hair up in a clip and away we went . I looked smashing ! Or so I thought . On our way to town I discovered a huge stain on my shirt that covered my right breast . A solid white sweater tank with a big grayish - brown stain . I thought I would be okay because I was wearing another shirt over it and I would just remember to keep it covered . No big deal ! Trying not to think about my stained shirt , I started to lotion up . I often do that in the car while McDreamy drives . Time management , you know . As I smeared the lotion up my shin , I thought about the whole hairy leg situation . Hairy legs , capris , and sandals do not blend well . By this time I am thinking we just need to turn around and go home . Now , I say that it takes roughly 15 to 20 minutes to get to church but sometimes it can take longer . Today it took longer . We didn 't beat the train . This area has more train tracks than I have ever seen anywhere else . I should have taken it as a sign . But no , we trudged on and even made it on time . McDreamy was shocked . We went to class . It was a great lesson . Everything was just great ! I kept the stain covered and my hairy legs under the chair . Oh thank goodness my toenails were nicely painted . After class we went to the auditorium . Sat down in our usual pew and began reading the weekly bulletin . McDreamy and I are kind of gawking around looking for friends and noticing visitors , etc . I thought to myself , " I might just pull this off , nobody is going to notice anything . " THEN . . . there it is . . . I see it in big bold print . Our names are in the bulletin . But why ? What did we do , or not do ? It said that we were to be the " After Worship Greeters . " Wposted by Another Chance Ranch at 6 / 04 / 2006 08 : 10 : 00 PM Every morning since late March , turkeys gobbling has been Mother Nature 's way of waking me . The first time it happened , I sat straight up in bed and made McDreamy listen for it as well . We had both grown up in the country but had never witnessed turkeys so close . Now we are on turkey row . At times we have seen approximately 50 in one spot . Usually in the middle of the road . All day long we hear the gobbles . These days we don 't jump up and run to the window . Okay , maybe we still do . It will never get old . This is just another reason we love living in the country . Bad Words . Cussing . Cursing . Swearing . Have you ever noticed that you can cuss and swear all you want when the right people are around , but when your 3 year old , Mother , Grandmother , or Preacher is around you are on your best behavior ? McDreamy and I decided to quit cussing . Cold Turkey . It was a lot easier for me , until I got mad at something . It was a little more difficult for McDreamy . He is at work all day and those guys cuss like sailors . Bless his heart , he is trying . He is trying so hard . He has been using the cover - up words . You know . Crap , heck , dang , shoot , etc . On our way back from OKC one night , I noticed he was saying the silliest thing I think I had ever heard . " What the Crap ? " I tried and tried not to laugh , but I just had to tell him how silly it sounded . I don 't think he believed me . So , yes , I had to start saying it . Just so he could hear it for himself . He agreed that he had to find another phrase . One of the most recent cover - up words is blue - blazes . " What in the blue - blazes ? " Now it is a joke between us . And it still gets a giggle out of me . Have you ever seen a Horse wear a Bra ? Well , I hadn 't either until one of our horses , Babe , hurt her eye . We loaded her up . Took her to the vet . The vet said , " Use a Black Bra to cover her eye . " So that is what we did . She is a draft horse , a Percheron , which is much bigger than your regular quarter horse . My little bra just almost didn 't fit . The poor thing had to wear it for almost two weeks . She is fully recovered now . You know a girl loves her horse when she sacrifices one of her favorite Victoria Secrets Bras . I LOVE MY LIFE ! ! ! ! ( Yes , I am screaming ! ) I was given another chance at life and I am taking advantage of it . I am a non - traditional student , and that title really fits . That title will not be mine for long though . I will graduate in December . The countdown is on ! And NO ! I do not know what I want to be when I grow up ! So please , everyone quit asking . It is just all going to depend on the jobs available . ( This is not my favorite part of my life . . . but it will lead to great things . I just know it ! ) I am married to the man of my dreams . He is my McDreamy . We are making our dreams come true together ! We bought a small piece of land , 200 acres , that he likes to call a Ranch . If Tom Selleck can call his 60 acres a Ranch , then we can call our piece of land a ranch too . We have horses to ride and horses to drive , and a small cow / calf operation . This was one of our dreams that did come true . Last year we made a huge , HUGE decision . We sold our house in town and moved to the ranch . We are not city / town people . We are 15 to 20 minutes from town . . . depending on which route you take . We love it ! ! ! We moved from a 1800 sq ft home with a pool to a 30 ' fifth wheel travel trailer . Yes , really ! Yes , we are crazy ! But We Love IT ! ! ! ! |
I know that I underestimate how strong I am or how resilient I am , but I have no idea how to teach myself to believe in myself and have faith that I will get through something . Why is it is easier for me to teach someone else then to take my own advice ? I also struggle with not only loving myself , but allowing others to love me . I hate that I am like this , but I really don 't know how to change this . Why do I feel that everyone else deserves to be cared for and loved , but when it comes to me I feel that for some reason I don 't deserve any of it . I hate hating myself . If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself . I have a masters degree in social work and for the life of me I can 't figure out why I can 't apply what I tell the clients everyday to myself . Since I didn 't get to the pool yesterday I woke up this morning with my only plan being to lay out at the pool . I got there at 10am and ended up staying 4 hours . It was a perfect day for laying out and I had the pool to myself until 1pm . For a while I floated on my back and just watched the sky and listened to myself breathing . It kind of reminded me of when I would go scuba diving and the only noise you hear is yourself breathing . It has an amazing calming affect . However , 4 hours in the sun may have been a bit much . My face feels really hot and I can 't really have the A / C on because I keep getting the chills . I don 't remember the last time I was this tan and I keep getting comments about how tan I am . Being tan does somehow make me feel better about myself . One of the things that I have been doing while at the pool is reading . I used to love to read and would read a book a week , but the last few years I have struggled to complete a book . It feels good to escape in a book and forget about my worries once again . I think I may head out to Barnes & Noble this weekend and find a couple other good books to read . Speaking of the weekend . . . is anyone else as excited as I am that it 's a short week ? It was an early day this morning . Apparently the best time to pick blueberries is early in the morning before it gets too hot . So I met MJ and her Mom out at the blueberry patch at 7am . As I was driving to the Patch this is what the sky looked like : I wish this was my view every morning . I am really realizing that I am not a city girl at all but in fact have a lot of country in me . I sent MJ a TXT message last night telling her not to laugh at me if I had to ask how to pick blueberries . Her response back was " HaHaHaHa " . Thankfully when I got there MJ 's Mom told me she had never done this either . Whew ! Even though there were about 100 people out there with us , it still seemed so quiet and calm . Her Mom did say that she was going to adopt me and take me home with her . My friendship with MJ and her family has been my biggest blessing this year . On the way home I kept seeing these blue flowers on the side of the road : They are so beautiful and I love the blue periwinkle color . I used to always say that Navy blue was my favorite color , but I think periwinkle is officially my new favorite color . It was cloudy all day until I had my eyes dilated . Then suddenly it cleared up and was sooo bright . When I got home from the eye doctor I just had to lay down because my eyes were so sensitive to the light . Five hours later my pupils are still very dilated and I look like I am on something . Looks like it will be quiet night at home . A quiet night is just fine because I am completely exhausted from this past week . You have no idea how happy I am that it 's Friday . The only thing that would make me happier is dinner delivered from here : This is the best restaurant in all of Oklahoma . Each time I drive to see Lynilu I stop in Hinton , OK ; where Starvin Marvin 's is located . Not only is it delicious , but the price is perfect as well . Last weekend Lynilu and I both ordered dinner and then ordered some break sticks and it was only $ 15 . And that price included it being delivered to us . I wonder if they will deliver to me here in Kansas City ? : ) Today has been a horrible day in terms of wanting a cigarette , but I am determined to work through this and remain a non - smoker . I found a website that said one ingredient in a cigarette is " whale vomit " . How gross is that . So if I ever say I want a cigarette please remind me that I would be inhaling whale vomit . Wow , I just realized that in one month I have talked about both whale vomit and tick vomit on my blog . I go back to the eye doctor tomorrow and might be going with MJ and her Mom to pick some blueberries , but other then that I have nothing planned . I am really looking forward to a quiet weekend . What is everyone else doing ? This past weekend Sam taught me that it 's OK to be scared and need to be close to others . Each of your comments , emails , phone calls and TXT messages gave me that soft place to land this week . I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart . Somehow , Someway , it will all be OK . On a lighter note : Tonight as I was walking Sophie one of the little kids said , " Sophie , you look like a horse . " I don 't know why , but that comment seemed so funny to me . All the kids love to run up to Sophie and I usually have to tell them that we need to go so Sophie can use the bathroom . Today a little girl followed us to where Sophie goes and she kept yelling " Is she done using it ? " I realized she was talking about the bathroom and once again laughed . I love the kids in my complex . Today is much better . However , I have had a headache for the entire day . I know it 's because my body is not used to me smoking anymore . I have had no desire to smoke today and I am happy about that . I was also reminded of how expensive it is to smoke . One pack , plus a lighter was $ 5 . I can 't believe I wasted so much money smoking . If I really wanted to smoke again I would probably need a second job . I had planned on doing a post yesterday explaining this picture : But yesterdays events really put into perspective what I was feeling in this picture . Right after Laura and I broke up I decided to drive to New Mexico to see Lynilu . That was one of the hardest trips I have ever taken . I remember driving up the street to get on the highway and I literally felt like my heart was being pulled out . It was horrible . Right before I left for this trip I realized why I was having such a bad week and my bad week suddenly made so much sense . Knowing that I was going to the same hotel where I made the plan of how I was going to kill myself triggered some horrible memories . As I was driving to Tulsa I heard the song Square One ( you can hear it on my first post from yesterday ) and I realized I was kind of coming full circle . I am at a point in my life where things are really good , but I also needed to accept how I coped with things back then . After yesterday I realized that I still hated myself for what I did to myself last spring . I have always been embarrassed and ashamed at how I coped with things last spring . I know I have been told to not be ashamed about what happened before , but today I heard it like I was hearing it for the first time . And then the light bulb went off and here is what I realized : 1 ) I did the best I could considering my situation2 ) I underestimate how many people care for me3 ) Everything happens for a reason When I quit smoking 76 days ago I made a list of things that if they happened then I gave myself permission to have a cigarette . Today something happened that was not on that list but really should have been . It 's not been a good day and I am just really sad tonight . I spent most of the day crying and trying to pull myself together . By about 12 : 30 I decided that I was going to allow myself a day to cry and feel this pain . I hope it 's true that you must feel in order to heal because I have done a lot of feeling this pain today . I hope it leads to some kind of healing . On my way home I bought a pack of cigarettes . No it did not taste good and yes I have had a headache most of the day . I am looking at today as a small hiccup and I will be a non - smoker again tomorrow . People say that I am strong , but today was not one of my strong days . Tomorrow I will do better . I don 't know how people survive summers in Oklahoma . Oh my God is it hot there . And the humidity is just as bad . Even if my beloved Super Nanny asked me to move to Oklahoma I don 't think I could . We did have a beautiful sunset last night . It was breathtaking . Last night I asked Lynilu what time she wanted to leave this morning and her first response was " Between 8 : 30 and 9am " . She insisted that she did not need an alarm clock and has not used one in years . When I opened my eyes this morning I looked at the clock and it said 8 : 04am . Yep , I think we are going to be leaving a little later then 8 : 30am . It 's amazing how dark hotel rooms gets when you shut the blinds . By 10 : 30 we were both on the road back to our homes . When I pulled up to pick up Sophie she was just walking around MJ 's yard with no leash on . Sadie has no problem not running away , but I was a little concerned about Sophie . In the past Sophie would run like hell when she would get out of the yard . Laura always said that when she got out of the yard she turned into a Greyhound . But Sophie is older and it was very clear she was not going anywhere . She was excited to see me , but I could tell she had a good time with MJ and Cowboy and was very well taken care of . Thank you again MJ for keeping Sophie and for being OK with me checking in on her 3 times in 24 hours . Tomorrow it 's back to the real world . I decided that when I win Powerball I am going to just drive around the United States for the first six months . There really is so much to see and I love all the little towns in Kansas . I did have a couple rough moments on the trip and I finally realized why I had such a rough week emotionally . Tomorrow I will explain the story behind this picture : There is only one person that I would go to Oklahoma in the middle of summer for . . . and that is my friend Lynilu . Oh , and there is one other reason I would go to literally the middle of nowhere in temperatures that are hotter then hell : Meet Joey . This is the reason that Lynilu and I met up halfway between our houses . I am in love with this little guy . I have so many stories to tell about my adventure today , but right now we have 5 dogs running around that are keeping both of us busy . I really think Lynilu is going to need a nanny or someone to come in and help because these babies are a hand full . She has 2 older dogs that need special attention and then 3 younger dogs that are very demanding of her attention . I wonder if we are going to get any sleep tonight . . . probably not but that 's OK . I am totally in love with Sam : I wonder if Lynilu will notice that he is in my car when we leave tomorrow ? My guess is yes . Lynilu is a special lady . I call her the Brad and Angelina of the Animal Kingdom . She goes all over the country to adopt these precious babies . As I was leaving with Joey I told the lady that he was going to a very good home and would be very well taken care of . Lynilu doesn 't know the history of her new puppies and I know she suspects that there has been some abuse and / or neglect . Living with Lynilu will make up for any of the bad things that have happened to them . We have just a short time together , but as we always do we have picked up right where we left off . Posted by Tomorrow night Lynilu and I will be staying in the same hotel I stayed in when I went to visit her right after the break up . I went back and found the post I did that night and it just makes me sad to see how terrified I was and how lost I seemed . This past week was very hard emotionally and I found myself slipping back into old habits of how I was dealing with things . I started feeling overwhelmed with things and then the huge sign was when I realized I was isolating myself . After talking with a good friend I seem to have more clarity and once again things are not so overwhelming . I read a quote on Thursday that made so much sense to me . It said , " Letting go is kind of like monkey bars . You need to let go in order to move forward " . I also know that getting out of town will be good for me . I know it 's only two days , but I need these two days where I can just chill and not worry about all my responsibilities . Sophie will be staying with MJ and her Cowboy for these two days . I am so thankful that I have a place where I can leave Sophie and not worry about her . I know she will be well taken care of and will definitely get plenty of exercise running around with her best friend Sadie . I went to the eye doctor today and all seems well . Well , he did tell me that my eyes were not getting enough oxygen and that my blood vessels are irritated in my cornea . He gave me a new pair of contacts that are able to " breathe " better and I will go back next week to have my eyes dilated . He wanted to dilate my eyes today , but said I could have it done next week when he does my follow up exam . ( I would have hated to mess up my pool plans for today ) Be looking for a post that will explain this adventure Lynilu and I are on . My friends are definitely not boring . Guess who I get to see on Sunday ? ? ? ? ? ? Seeing this person is bound to get me out of my funk . Plus , we will get to eat at my favorite restaurant in Oklahoma . . Starvin Marvin 's . I think getting out of town is exactly what I need right now . I am still not feeling right and not too sure what is going on . I really feel like I am falling apart physically , which hopefully will be a motivation for me to take better care of my body . When I was at the dentist the other day I was reading a magazine and I realized that in order to read it I had the magazine held right up to my face . I couldn 't see the print . So I have an appointment on Saturday to get new contacts . It 's been 2 years since I have had my eyes checked , so I am sure there has been some change . They closed our pool for 3 days because people were vandalizing it . I don 't understand why people can not just follow the rules and leave shit alone . One of the things that was destroyed was the safety rope between the shallow and deep end . I had a dream last night that I was walking past the pool and someone was on the rope and I was yelling at them to get off of it . Ha ! Can you see how important the pool is to me ? It should be open tomorrow . . . whew ! I can 't imagine my weekend without some time spent at the pool . OK , so since I can 't tell you why I get to see this person this weekend , let 's have a little fun . Let 's see if you can guess . . . . . . Well . . . . the dentist didn 't go as I had planned . As I was talking with the dentist he was telling me the other work that needs to be done ( more then what I originally thought ) and it turns out that the 3 crowns I had put on in 2005 / 2006 all need to be replaced . WTF ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He said that crowns are suppose to last a lot longer and he has no idea why these are already needing replaced . Do you realize how angry I am ? I hated that dentist I was going to back then anyway , but this really makes me angry . One time when I was sitting there and they were drilling into what seemed like my brain the dentist and his assistant were talking about the show Six Feet Under . The dentist said that he would never watch that show again because he just couldn 't stand the fact that one of the guys was gay . As angry as I was I was not going to say anything since he had a drill in my mouth . But now that I all 3 crowns need to be replace I want to go back and give him a piece of my mind . Gah . . . I am so upset about this . In 2000 I got this rash on the palm of my hand and on my feet and after months of going to different doctors I was diagnosed with Lichen Planus . It 's not something I talk about a lot because it really doesn 't cause me problems , but I am finding that it has caused me more problems then what I thought . I think this is part of the reason I have problems with my teeth now and I wish there was something I could . But this disease tends to get worse when I am under stress and the first sign is a rash on the palm of my hand . Yesterday I noticed that I have a horrible rash on my left hand . It 's been a while since the rash has been this bad . So now I just need to figure out where this stress is coming from and how to handle it better . I think overall I am very happy and very content with where my life is , but I still have pockets of stress and overwhelming sadness . What I hate the most is the fact that these kind of come out of nowhere and there are times when I feel so unprepared to handle it . Next Tuesday I go see my doctor for a medicatPosted by Last week when I was walking Sophie I walked right into a huge branch and scratched the crap out of my left ankle . I immediately noticed that it was in the shape of a heart . On Saturday when I was at the pool the scab got wet and then it got sun burned . By yesterday my ankle was hurting pretty badly . A few of my co - workers were concerned and said I needed to go to the doctor because it was infected . I decided instead to clean it out with Peroxide . This morning it is looking better , but still hurts like a Mother F _____ . Last night I took a picture of it , so if you have a weak stomach you might not want to look at the picture . . . . . . . What I think is funny is the stray cat in the background . This particular cat is very friendly to me and has two of the cutest babies . I am proud of myself because I am not feeding them , just putting out water . I can not make any promises this winter about not feeding the strays . Anyway , my foot is looking better so I don 't think I will be losing my foot as some of my co - workers thought yesterday . This afternoon I am going to the dentist to have some work done . I have a slight headache today , so I expect by tonight my head will be hurting a lot worse and with the pain from my ankle and mouth I might be acting like I am dying . I am sure tonight I am going to be a lot of fun to be around . All day today I have had this feeling that today was the anniversary of something , but I couldn 't figure out what it was . It finally hit me about ten minutes ago ; June 16 , 1990 was when I was baptized as a Jehovah 's Witness . A couple things here . . . . First of all , how in the world can that be 18 years ago ? In case I didn 't feel it before , I officially feel old now . After I got over the shock that I was baptized close to 20 years ago , my next thought went to my best friend growing up : This is a picture of me and my cousin J . J is 3 years younger then me , but we were raised as sisters and were always best friends . We had so many good times and one of those was when we got baptized together . I remember I was happy that day because my Mom and Grandma were so happy and proud of me . My Grandma gave J and I each a bracelet and told us we would always remember this day . Even though I am no longer a Jehovah 's Witness , this day is still very special to me and probably will always be . I love that I have gotten to the point where I can appreciate my religious upbringing instead of resenting it . One thing I have learned is it 's OK to look back on all those years I was a JW and see the good times as well . I never knew that simply living my life for me would make me so happy and content in life . I took this picture of myself a few days ago : One thing I noticed is how calm I seem in the picture . Of all those times where I really wanted to give up in the past year , looking at this picture of me makes me so happy that I hung in there . What a great day this has been . MJ asked if I could drive her down to her parents farm so she could see her Dad for Fathers Day . Her Cowboy was going to spend the day with his son playing golf and since MJ can 't drive after her eye surgery she needed my help . She kept thanking me for driving her down there , but she doesn 't realize that it 's a huge treat for me to go down to the farm . Her family is so wonderful and has really made me feel welcomed . I told MJ that since I was driving this time I would really know how to get back and that she should not be surprised if she calls to see how her parents are doing and they mention that I am there visiting . She just laughed , but I am kind of serious . Poor MJ is really having a rough day with her eyes . She had 4 kinds of drops and it seemed that every 30 minutes she was putting more drops in . This is how I saw her most of the day : On my way over to pick her up in the morning I stopped at a convienance store and ran into some JW 's . As they handed me the Watchtower I told them I was going on a road trip and my friend would need something funny to read . The Witnesses just giggled and I thought it was odd that they didn 't realize when they were being made fun of . So we came up with the perfect idea for using the Watchtower : Eye Shields . It actually worked perfectly in the car and helped her . I knew the Watchtower would come in handy one day . We spent most of the day at the farm and MJ was a huge sport to walk around with me even though her eyes were hurting . Here is her Mom coming to our rescue on the new Mule . If you click on the picture you can see her Mom 's huge grin . I love walking around the farm with MJ because she has so many stories . Here she found one of their old skates . I then took a couple pictures and played around with the different settings on my camera . I love how these pictures turned out : You can see rest of my pictures here . Thank you for being such a great friend MJ and I really thank you for sharing your family with me . Posted by Today has been the best day AND it 's not over yet . I ended up sleeping until 10 : 30am which is something that I have never done . I am usually up by 7 or 8am on the weekends . Actually Sophie did get me up at 7 : 30 to go outside , but we both came in and went right back to sleep . I think I am finally relaxing at night and my body is able to get the sleep it needs . As soon as I got up I looked outside and it was the perfect day to be by the pool . There wasn 't a cloud in the sky and even better . . . . no one was at the pool . As I was walking Sophie my crazy neighbor from upstairs stopped me . I really didn 't want to talk to him , but the first thing out of his mouth was an apology . I ended up talking to him for about 20 minutes and I am not sure what to do . He has admitted to being bipolar and I really think he is in the middle of another break down . He wasn 't making sense and he was going from one subject to another and was very paranoid . He had a grocery sack in his hand that was filled with beer cans . When we first met he told me couldn 't drink because of his meds . I am debating about going to the manager to maybe call his parents since he says he has a good relationship with them . What would you guys do ? Part of me thinks I should just stay out of it , but the social worker in me sees someone that needs help . I ended up laying at the pool for close to 3 hours and it 's showing tonight . When I saw my other neighbor this afternoon he said , " You 're looking a little red today . " I lost track of the time since I was reading the book , The Glass Castle . Man this is a good book and I love that I am interested in reading again . I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon ( I have no idea why I am sleeping so much ) and now I am getting ready for the second part of my day and actually the best part . Oh , and guess where I get to go tomorrow : This is turning out to be the best weekend . Can you believe Bonk is 21 ? Half the time she acts like a kitten and runs around the apartment more then Ben . Last weekend I bought these toys for the cats and she went nuts since they are filled with catnip . It has been fun to watch her " kill " these toys . This has been a crazy week . I feel like I had another one of those light bulb moments and finally learned to stand up for myself . I think I have been working on this for a while , but this week really showed that I not only do I know how to stand up for myself , but I will if I need to . I feel like I have made huge progress this week and for the first time I feel like I am loving those closest to me with no fear . I laid out in the sun when I got home from work and had the whole pool to myself . This was a treat because most times I have to share the pool with a ton of kids . One of my techs today said that the sun on my face is bringing out my freckles . I didn 't realize I had freckles on my face . I have very few freckles and they are mostly on my arms . I sent my Dad a Fathers Day Card today . When I think about my Dad my first thought is always Minnesota . My Dad loves Minnesota about as much as I do and we used to have the best time when we were in Minnesota . The camp I attended as a child my Dad also attended when he was little . I always thought it was so cool that we went to the same camp and I was always so proud of this fact . The camp had black / white pictures up in the dining room of old campers and my Dad was in several of the pictures . My Dad was such a cute little boy . When I would come home and only able to talk about camp for months and months , my Dad was so good at just sitting and listening to the endless stories I had . Happy Fathers Day Dad . I love Alanis Moriessette . Four years ago Laura gave me her new album for my birthday and this song became our song . It 's just been in the last few months that I have been able to listen to the song and not get angry . Well , this past week Alanis came out with a new album and I love it . It seems that our lives have kind of been parallel these last four years . The album that Laura gave me all the songs were about a new love and all had a " love " theme . Last year Alanis and her boyfriend broke up , so her new album is about starting over after a love ends . My favorite songs on the album are Underneath , Not as We and Incomplete . I really love the words to Not as We and I know I have several blogging friends out there that are dealing with a recent break up and I really urge you to listen to this song . I wish this song had been around last year for me . Today MJ is having her eye surgery , so please go over and wish her well . She has had a rough week and I know she is kind of nervous about the recovery from this surgery . I know it would make her feel better if she got lots of comments wishing her well . Because I am such a good friend I did tell her that if she went blind I would go over and read to her . She didn 't think my comment was very funny . What in the world is going on with the weather ? For the second time in a year an entire town has been destroyed . This has been the worst tornado season that I have ever seen and it seems that we are not done yet . All these storms have allowed me to take some pretty cool pictures . Because of all the storms we have been having it has been so humid . I hate this high humidity because it just makes doing anything so hard . Now that I am walking Sophie I am out in the humidity so much more and I am realizing the crazy things it can do to your hair . I was having the perfect hair day yesterday and the minute I walked outside it was a mess . Just walking to the car makes me break out in a sweat . If I could spend the entire summer in the water I think I would enjoy summer a lot more . As I was driving home tonight I thought about having a cigarette . For the first time the thought of having one made me want to throw up . It 's been 64 days since I have smoked and I am still in shock that I have made it this far . I think I might actually beat this . Last April when Laura and I decided to break up we sold her car . Well , yesterday I stopped at this convenience store and I saw our old car . The car looked exactly the same as the day we sold it . The spare tire on the back was still missing , there was still a dent in the back hatch and the HRC window cling was still on the back side window . I just kind of found it odd that nothing had changed about the car . I wonder if the people that were driving it know what the HRC sticker means ? So is anyone nervous about tomorrow being Friday the 13th ? I feel like a horrible Mother . Today is Sophie 's birthday and I completely forgot until right now . Do you think I am losing my touch on remembering dates ? Actually , I have a lot on my mind tonight . My feelings have been really hurt by someone I really considered my friend . After hearing what she had to say to me tonight , there is no way she was my friend . I am very sad about this and wish things could be different , but I can 't change the way God created me . One thing even the witnesses taught me is . . . . God does not make mistakes . So . . . . Happy Birthday to my Sophie . Today she turns 10 and I really can 't believe it . Sophie is the first dog that I have had since she was a puppy and I have loved every minute of her being part of my life . It 's amazing how much she has taught me about love and loyalty and how to just relax and have fun . She really is the best dog . . . . . . ever . I almost died last night . Literally . MJ and I had walked this trail before and I had no problem , but last night this trail kicked my ass . I know part of the reason it was harder was because it 's warmer and more humid and we walked at the end of the day . We walked for an hour and are guessing we walked 4 miles . I could not feel my legs by the time we got back to her house . Oh , and 10 minutes after we started walking I had to pee . The last 10 minutes were the hardest and this was the point where I saw my life flash before my eyes . There is this monster hill at the beginning of her subdivision and I made a joke about racing up the hill . We did run up for about a minute and then stopped . By that point I was out of breathe and really had trouble catching my breathe . At one point I felt like I was getting ready to hyperventilate , but I kept going . I probably should have stopped for a second , but I didn 't want to seem like a wuss . I have lost weight in the past , but this time seems so hard emotionally . I feel like I am finally getting to the core issues as to why I have put on weight in the last 15 years and dealing with some of these issues is not fun . This morning when I was driving to work I felt like dealing with all these emotions is like peeling an onion and the more I tear away at these issues the harder it becomes . But I am determined to do it this time and change my life . When I started putting on weight I know it was because I was trying to protect myself . I had just married my ex - husband and I was miserable inside . Even though I was told that this was what I was suppose to do I was not happy . I pretended to be happy and the end result was the weight gain . My body does an excellent job at letting me know when things are not right ; even if I may not realize it at the time . I need to learn to listen to my body more often . For some reason I was looking through my baby book last night and I was looking at some of my early accomplishments . It was very apparent that I took my time in doing things . For example I did notPosted by Thank you for your supportive comments from yesterday . The good news is I am feeling much better today . When I got off work yesterday I was mentally exhausted . I had planned on going to bed early , but around 9 : 30pm I got called into work . I ended up working until 12 : 30am and was very exhausted this morning . I had planned on just coming in a little late today , but I have this horrible problem of having to be to work on time . I did manage to sleep in until 8am and got to work a little after 9am , just 30 minutes late . Maybe one day I will allow myself to relax . Last night I tried to come up with all the positives in the situation I was in . The first one was with the fact that I was crying . Even though I hate crying , I am happy that the medication I am on does not completely numb my feelings / emotions . One time I was on an anti - depressant and I literally felt nothing for months and months . So , I found the fact that I still cry a huge positive . Even though I would rather stayed home last night , I did enjoy going into work . I don 't get to spend a lot of time with my 2nd shift techs , so whenever I work with them they kind of see it as a treat . My 3rd shift were very surprised when they walked in at midnight and saw me sitting there . I ended up staying until 12 : 30 talking with them and laughing about a couple things . I need to just relax around some of my techs and show my human side . As I was driving home I was so tired , but felt like I had accomplished so much last night . Sophie is very popular among the kids in my apartment complex . There is one boy in particular that Sophies loves and I find soo cute . Every time he sees me and Sophie he comes running and yells . . . " S - O - P - H - I - E " . Sophie loves him to pieces and goes running up to him . Yesterday I had my phone with me and took these pictures . The second one is my favorite because you can see a little bit of his smile . He is always so excited to see Sophie . I love how Sophie is so good about letting him put his hands all over her with no problems . Tonight I am going over to MJ ' Posted by This has been such a busy weekend . It was so much fun having Sadie here for a couple days . Sophie is not used to sharing me and it 's so funny to see her so jealous . I had a friend over last night and Sophie wouldn 't even let her pet Sadie . Sadie always sleeps with me when she comes to visit and this is usually how I wake up : Notice Sadie is right in the middle of the bed . To the left is where I sleep . She leaves me no room at all . What 's funny is when I wake up in the middle of the night and her nose is laying on my face . Look at that face . . . . . what an absolute sweetie . You guys are always hearing from me and now it 's time for me to hear from you . If you could ask me one question . . . . . . what would your question be ? In a few days I will do a post with my answers . Nothing is off limits on this one . So go ahead . . . . . . ask me . Today was a beautiful and hot day in Kansas City . It was perfect pool weather . After my tech meeting it was kind of cloudy so I thought I wouldn 't be able to lay out , but by the afternoon it had cleared up . I love driving into work on the weekends because the highways and most of downtown are not busy at all . I met my weekend / night supervisor for breakfast before the meeting . As I got off the highway there was a guy standing there with a sign saying he was homeless and hungry . When I pulled up next to him I told him I was going to the Denny 's that was one block away and if he would walk up there I would buy him breakfast . By the time I got parked and walked in Kevin was waiting for me at the front door . We talked while he waited for his order . He told me he became homeless after his brother died . He said he did not handle the death well and knew he had mental health issues but didn 't know where to get help . Kevin has been homeless for 6 years ; literally living under a bridge . I can only imagine what that is like . I gave Kevin a few places he could go for free mental health services and he was on his way . As he left he thanked me for breakfast and told me where he sleeps in case I ever need anything . I often will see a homeless person and want to stop and just talk with them . We all need someone to talk to every once in a while . Miss Sadie is doing so well . MJ dropped her off at my work this morning , so my techs were surprised that we had a special guest . She did so well during the meeting ; in fact she was better behaved then a couple of my techs . As we walked up to the apartment she remembered which door was mine . When I opened the door both Sadie and Sophie were so excited to see each other . I am once again reminded at how Sophie is not very good at sharing . Boy she gets upset when I show any kind of affection to Sadie . I am wanting to find a good book for me to read , so what are you guys reading this summer . It 's been so long since I have just sat down and read so I am pretty excited that my interest in reading isPosted by Well . . . . it 's officially summer . I came home from work and went and relaxed by the pool . I love having a pool 50 feet from my front door . The water is still a bit chilly , but being in the sun was so nice . It 's been two years since I have actually enjoyed being out in the sun . I spent no time outside last summer and I really think this affected my mood . I also wanted to spend some time outside today because , even though I would never tell her this to her face , I have a lot of catching up to do to a certain someone . But I know I can win this competition . ( I think I have a little competitive side to me . . . . ) I kind of have a busy weekend planned . I have to be up early for my tech meeting tomorrow . I used to dread these meetings , but now that things have calmed down they are not that bad . It 's amazing how my confidence in myself has grown in the past year . I know that I still have a lot of work to do , but it really sucks when others start noticing them as well . I guess I like to take my time on things . OK , it 's going to be a great weekend . Here is a small hint as to my life right now . I say once again . . . life is very good right now . Today I was talking with one of my techs about first impressions and she shared with me what her first impression was of me . She told me that she thought I was too quiet , very timid and probably would not last . She said that within a few weeks she realized how wrong her opinion was . This particular tech said that I taught her not to judge a book by it 's cover . I had another tech tell me that her first impression of me was that I was " nerdy " . I have been called a lot of things and nerd is not one of them . I just don 't see it . Did you hear who is coming to visit me this weekend ? ? ? Sadie will be staying with me Saturday night and I am so excited . Am I weird to be so excited for a dog to come visit ? Last time Sadie stayed with me I allowed her to get up on the couch and bed ; which she does not do at home . Well , for some reason she decided that she really liked sleeping on the furniture and continued this at her home . . . . for 3 long months . I was concerned that MJ and her Cowboy would not allow Sadie to come stay with me . When MJ asked me if I could watch Sadie I told her that I would not let Sadie up on the bed and would keep her off the couch . Later in the day I got a message from Cowboy saying she could do what my dog does . Yay ! ! We are in for some pretty major storms tonight and I am kind of excited about it . I have this new love of thunderstorms . I made a comment to someone yesterday about how the heat doesn 't seem to bother me as much this year and I think it 's because I am not smoking . I always felt like I could not breathe in the heat and now it just doesn 't seem that bad . Damn cigarettes . . . . . . Wow . . . . this was a pretty random post wasn 't it . I woke up and the right side of my nose was hurting . My first thought was that maybe a tick went up my nose and got lost . I imagine it 's just a sinus infection , but I decided to Google side of nose hurting . This article came up as one of the results . I about peed my pants laughing at this . I really had no idea that there were different categories of nose pickers . Man , I am still laughing . Oh , and as for the " tick vomit " . . . . . Someone at work told me that I should not take a tick off with a match because when you do that the tick could vomit in your skin . I almost threw up when she told me that . My co - workers are filled with so much knowledge . The pool is finally open in my complex . I am so excited . MJ . . . . the tanning competition has officially started . Yes , winter is my favorite season and I would chose a snowy day over a sunny day , but there is one benefit of summer . I love being tan . Last summer I spent almost no time outside and I felt like crap for most of the summer . I really think it was because I was not outside in the sun very much . Being outside with Sophie so much already has me feeling better then last summer . Plus , I always feel better about myself when I am tan . I have been feeling this amazing sense of freedom since Sunday . I feel like anything is possible and that there are a lot of very good things about to happen in my life . I think I felt that if my parents didn 't love me then no one else would love me . Well , I now know that not only do my parents love me , but I am loved by so many other people . I have never felt as loved as I do right now . Life is so good right now . Yesterday I started jogging after work . I don 't love jogging , but I feel like I get such a good workout when I do jog . Thankfully I don 't look like Phoebe when I jog . I had planned on Sophie being my jogging buddy . But I forgot that she is ten years old and just can 't handle the jogging especially in the heat . I took her out last night and she was limping by the time we got close to home . I felt like a horrible Mother . I am still taking Sophie on long walks , we just won 't be jogging . Seeing that Sophie can not handle the jogs makes me realize that she is getting older . My heart about broke when I had to start buying her the senior dog food . I wish she was like Bonk ; who is determined to live forever . I feel good that I have started jogging and hope that I stick to this new commitment of getting in shape . For once in my life I want to be the girl that everyone looks at . Well , I don 't know if I will ever get to that point , but I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see . I am not expecting overnight results and want to make sure that I do it right this time . That means that it 's OK to not always be perfect when eating . This morning when I was in the shower I noticed something on my arm . At first I thought it was a spider , but when I tried to brush it off it didn 't move . I realized it was a tick . I about freaked out . I just kept picking at it until it came off . I am guessing that I picked it up while I was out last night . And since I am so close to the woods I could have picked it up anytime . Sophie and the cats are treated for fleas and ticks , but now I am wondering if I should be wearing a flea / tick collar when I go running outside . So after almost 4 years I pull into my parents driveway . Their house is kind of in an H shape and you have to walk up to this big deck that is surrounded by windows of the living room . I notice that my Mom is asleep in her chair and I also that she just looks older . I ring the door bell and no one comes to the door . I then knock on the door and my Mom answers the door . I could tell that she was not expecting to see me when she opened the door . I don 't remember who said something first , but at some point I told her that I wanted to talk with her and Dad . Right when I said that my Dad walked up . His response was so different then my Moms . He put his arms out for a big hug and said that I should have called because he would have put another steak on the grill . I think I was really surprised by his response to seeing me . I think I have seen my Dad once or twice in the last 4 years and it was only because I ran into him at the store and his response was never this happy to see me . For a minute I was taken back to what it used to be like when I would stop by . I followed my parents into their living room and as we walked back I noticed that my Mom was walking with a cane . This really surprised and kind of shocked me . I then just told them that I needed for them to know that I loved them and I was not angry about anything anymore and that four years is a really long time for us not to be talking . I told them about going out with some friends to celebrate the fact that I had wonderful parents who gave me a great start in life . They both just kind of stood there and didn 't say anything . I really think they were expecting me to be angry and / or upset , but I was the calmest I probably have ever been . My Dad said he was so happy that I decided to stop by and tell them that and they really appreciated it . My Mom just kind of sat there and looked at me and then said , " You are the one that walked away from us . " She then got up and walked out of the room . She told me that she did not want to be in the same room as me . I told her thPosted by I feel like I have so much to say about today . I think it is going to take me a couple days to sort through everything in my mind because so much has happened today . I started the day out by being anxious . I was nervous about what today was going to look like and what I was going to do to let go of this anger and sadness . I knew I was going to dinner with some friends to a very special restaurant , but I wasn 't sure about anything else . It all came to me around noon how I wanted the day to be . I knew that I had to tell my parents today that I loved them and I had to do that in person . Keep in mind it has been close to four years since I have been at my parents house . I was extremely nervous about just showing up . Since my Dad loves it when you have a clean car I even went and washed my car before going . As I drove in front of their house I realized my brother was there . I did not want to stop with him there because I did not want any drama . I was so upset as I drove off because I thought this was my only time to do tell them . I then decided that after dinner would be a good time . MJ and our friend L came by and we headed off to the restaurant . The top picture was the view we had . This restaurant means so much to me because it 's on the lake where my parents had a cabin when I was growing up . There are so many good memories on this particular lake and I knew it was the perfect place to honor and celebrate my parents . We had a couple cold drinks which tasted like heaven because of the heat and of course the view . Here is MJ and L . Dinner was so nice because we laughed so much and I shared a lot of the good times I had with my parents and my favorite memories . However , this picture was taken after I taught them the word , " fucktard " . Neither of them had heard it and they about peed their pants because they were laughing so hard . Dinner was perfect . I love lobster and had the fried lobster . Oh . My . God . It was so good . I can 't believe I forgot to take a picture of our desert . It was a chocolate Multan Cake . There really arePosted by When I first started this blog it was because I felt lost in the world and didn 't know where I fit into the world . After taking several years off to get to know the real Caroline , I think I have finally found my place in the world . I hope you will tag along so I can share with you all the wonderful little things in my life . I now live at the top of the world ( literally ) and I love the view from here . |
I find it quite hard to bring to a close spirit communication , as I am fully aware of the needs of our audience . I try too keep to a certain length of time and usually our spirit friends keep to that . There are however exceptions and sometimes there is just one more spirit that wants to speak before we end . This letter from Deborah is one instance . First of all I need to let you know that , about 3 been drawing and Michael would ask if anyone knew this person ? Time went on and on . Over two hours had past and nothing . Michael was getting very tired . earrings ? " I said no . He said , " Then why am I bothered with my ears ? " He went on . He was in a car wreck . A man I nodded , yes . Do you know a man named Joe ? Yes . Then Michael said " He was being chased by a RED CAR ! " My daughter and I about fell on the floor ! ! You walked on the beach last week ? I said , yes . Your son was with you . He resting place isn 't far from where you live ? I said , yes . You also have a monument near you house ? And I said , yes . My daughter looked at me and said NO . sliding the box of tissues across the table at me . He had no idea why he 'd done that and said he hadn 't done it before during his other readings . I 'm not exactly a boo - hoo ' er ( as Michael sat back and listened and took notes . Michael had an A . G . name that was coming through . We couldn 't understand who this was . Certainly not anyone I could put my finger was disappointed not to recognize the face . I had hoped for one of my grandparents , or at least my Puddy Tat . Instead , I got this pleasant , round - faced , It was Memorial Day weekend at Mystic Sisters , a new age store in Monrovia . Our group that day was smaller than usual . The meeting began with a bunch of WW11 veterans saying hello to a lady in the back row ; mostly her father and some uncles . Then they brought in a young man who made his presence felt to me . He told me he had died in Iraq , that he had been blown up and had died along with about 18 of his buddies on the way into Baghdad , at the spearhead of the attack , as he put it . His wife was in the audience , sitting in the front row . She cried and acknowledged that the soldier was her husband . He was very clear and spoke to her for a long time , sending his love to her and his two little boys . There were also several of the guys that died with him that day saying hello to her . One of the main ones was his friend and commanding officer , a very tall individual . The wife knew all of his friends , as they often had barbecues at their house . The husband also conveyed the fact that they were all killed by friendly fire , describing the whole event in detail . The wife understood what he was telling her . She had heard from some of her husband 's friends who had come home , that her husband and the others were killed accidentally by their own side . She believed it was true , but the military were not very forthcoming with the facts and would not confirm it to her . Her husband told her to tell his fellow soldiers not to take vengeance or commit any atrocities on the Iraqis , as they were not to blame for the deaths . Her husband said he was OK now and was with his friends on the other side . Then he said his goodbyes . One evening , several months after my connection with the soldier and his friends , I was watching a documentary movie that had just arrived that day by mail . I was about half way into watching it when I felt as though I knew a woman in the film . I told Marti this and she thought that I was confused , that I had mistaken the woman for the soldiers wife we had connected with that Memorial Day , as she looked very similar . " I know it 's not her , " I said to Marti . " I don 't know how , but I know this woman ! " " That 's one of the guys that came through at Mystic Sisters ! " I exclaimed to Marti . Marti looked at him , but thought I was still mixed up because the soldier that had talked to his wife all those months ago was Hispanic and short ; not at all like the soldier in the film . " No ! " I said to Marti . " He 's the tall officer , the friend of the husband , that also said hello to that guy 's wife . " " Are you sure ? " Marti asked me somewhat incredulously . " I 'm positive ! I know it 's him ! " I said . The next day I looked up the number of the young woman who had attended the group . She answered and I told her what had happened the day before . I told her the name of the guy in the documentary and that I recognised him as her husband 's friends ; his commanding officer who had said hello to her that night . Slightly taken aback she continued , " You know , that 's really strange . The day you watched it it was the monthly anniversary of when they died . " Now I knew why I had recognized the woman in the video , who was the fiancee of the officer . I figure that he must have been in the room with me as I was watching it ! I spoke with the wife for a short while longer on the phone and she told me that she had told as many of her husband 's friends what he had said to her , regarding not going back to Iraq and harming Iraqis over his death and that of his friends , all in Charley company , and most of them understood . Two of my best friends in my teens were Mark and Nicky . They both died in their early twenty 's . Each of them found a way to say hello to me from the afterlife . I was about 21 when I attended Mark 's funeral . I tried to console Mark 's parents , but I did not have my abilities as finely tuned as I do now . It was a very depressing affair . I think it was his mother who told me that the family had been watching a program on TV and it got to a part where there was a funeral and everyone was crying and carrying on . Mark suddenly got up and said : " If I die tomorrow , I don 't want everyone crying and being miserable . I want them all to go down the pub and have a good piss up ( have a few beers ) and a good time ! " Then he left the house . The next day he was killed in an accident by a train at his work . A couple of years went by , when one day , Mark came in to say hello to me through a medium that I had gotten to know . The medium described a young man who said that he was a friend of mine and that he was well dressed , wearing a suit . The medium said some other things as well , but I knew immediately by that description that it was Mark . When Mark was on earth he was into the whole soul music scene . He was probably one of the few white guys in the black music clubs in the East End of London . He would spend all his money on expensive suits and fancy accessories , so he could " pick up the chicks ! " as he would say . The medium was very good . I had told him nothing . Mark 's personality came through loud and clear . I don 't remember much now of what was said , except the last few things , which I will never forgot . Mark told the medium to tell me , that I knew more about the other side than he does and he lives there ! Some five years later I had a dream that I was on a train and I was with my friend Nicolas or Nicky , as he was known . I remember we seemed to be traveling along near what looked like an ocean . Again , I don 't remember what was said , but I did remember that he just opened the door of the train and jumped out . Several months later , while I was at work in a shoe store in Kensington , London , not far from where Nicky used to live , a lady walked in , came up to me , smiled and said , " Hello Mike . " I didn 't recognize her and apologized . " I 'm Nicky 's mum , " she said . When I look back on that moment , I think I must have been in a state of shock . I don 't know why I didn 't ask her for more information . I could have asked just to meet her again or a phone number , that kind of thing . His mother did tell me that he was incredibly frustrated at not being able to do real Archaeology , because of the politics involved . That 's why he ended his life . Nicky and I used to spend weekends at his parents ' country home , near Salisbury Plain . Nicky was into Archaeology and we would go digging for artifacts . I told his mother about the dream , and that I thought it was a visit from Nicky . I hope that it gave her some solace . There is a lady that Marti and I have come to like very much , who I think was quite the skeptic when she first came to see us in a group . This lady had a son who had died . The son has spoken to her on numerous occasions since the first time she attended a group . One of the things he told me on that first visit , was that his mother had a nickname for him , that had something to do with money . He told me it was unusual and that I probably wouldn 't get it . I said to his mother , " your son says you have this name you call him , I 'm not sure what it is , whether it 's dollar or dime or something else , but it has to do with money . " Well she sat there saying nothing and I repeated what I just said , adding another monetary word or two , still no response until her friend sitting next to her made her speak up . " Well I used to call him cash register head . " She said . To which entire room full of people , erupted in laughter . Shaking my head , looked at her and said . " Did you expect me to say Cash register head ? Your son already told me it would be hard for me to get . " Later on another occasion this lady came to see us privately , and the first thing her son did when he showed up , was to hold the Ace of spades card for me to see . I told her this . To which she responded by saying . " Good I 'm glad . " I responded with a chuckle . Then a few minutes later her son made me feel a tattoo on my left forearm . I told her this as I traced the outline of it . She gave me a look of disbelief . " That 's where he has the Ace of spades tattooed on his arm ! " She said . We had a young man come to see us once , he looked Asian , I asked him what nationality he was to which he said he was half Chinese half Korean . I told him I only wanted to know so that it would be a little easier for me to listen for the sound of the language from any of his relatives that never spoke English . The session began with two men immediately appearing to me . The young mans father and behind him his grandfather . Then one of the names they got me to write down was Hung , when I heard it , it sounded like Hong but I was told to spell it Hung . When I wrote the name on my note paper the young guy 's eyes almost popped out of his head and in a raised voice he exclaimed incredulously . The young man became quite emotional while acknowledging what I was saying was correct even though he still couldn 't quite believe what I just told him . I just carried on though , and the session went very well . After it ended I asked him why he had reacted the way he did during the session . Spokane Washington was the venue for a large convention which we attended . having purchased a booth we sat around a small table doing what we do for two and a half days . We had been there a day and a half already , and on the second day at about lunch time , a woman sat down with us to have a session . The woman 's husband Immediately made his presence known to me , he was a good talker and had no problem conveying what was on his mind to her , although she was hardly saying a word I could see that this was affecting her a lot , until her eyes got so puffy that she could hardly see . It was obvious that she was holding back the tears , then he said something about marmalade to me , " Tell her about the marmalade he said . " When I did she just shrieked and put her hand to her chest . " Hmm . . . this is really intense , " I thought , but she said nothing . We continued till we were nearly done , she quietly acknowledging a few things through her emotion , until Marti put down the picture she had drawn for her to look at . The Woman just jumped back on her chair grabbed her chest and screamed out loud . after this somewhat intense session was over , Marti and I joked about what would happen if she died while sitting with us . We decided to take a small break to eat , and have a quick wonder around the show to see some other booths , and we came across the same woman again at another booth . It turned out that she was an exhibitor there , we said hello to her she was a little more talkative and thanked us . later that day we had a few more clients , who , had apparently been sent over to us by that lady . " What ? " I replied . I must admit I wasn 't sure whether I felt upset with her or not at that moment I just couldn 't believe what I was hearing but I continued listening . " I had found out about you from someone there , and I thought to myself , how dare they take money from people over their grief . I thought you were just ripping people off , so I came storming round there to sort you out ! " She said . The marmalade part of our reading was just one more thing that no one could have known about unless they had a direct line to the source . I personally can 't bear to even think about eating the stuff - however , Harold absolutely loved it . . . ate it right out of the jar with a spoon . When the jar was about half empty , he 'd make a little joke about how WE had eaten so much of it that we 'd have to go back to the store for more . I probably haven 't thought about marmalade since he died , until Michael said the word . It seemed to send an electric shock through me . . . needless to say , that would have been the LAST thing I would have expected him to say . I 've had a number of profound or unusual moments in my life . One of which happened when I was working at a Diamond Tooling Factory . I was about 20 at the time . I had recently read a book called Autobiography of a yogi as well as a book called Illusions by Richard Bach . I was also using the I Ching . I used it every day . I carried it everywhere with me . I was focused intently on penetrating the seeming reality of life . Trying hard to reach a state of pure perception . I was sitting outside the back of the factory taking my lunch break . It was pretty quite back there as I sat in a state of contemplation looking across to the railway station about 50 yards away . It was a perfect summers day , warm with virtually no wind at all . I observed a large gas filled Balloon with string attached that some child had probably let go , move very very slowly over the roof of the station from left to right , and move down and hover motionless for some time above the Station platform . A thought came to me that it would be really cool if it came over to me so that I could capture it . Suddenly the Balloon began to move up and over the high wire fence and gently bound strait towards me several feet above the old abandoned railway tracks , not deviating at all lifting up over the factory fence and on toward me until it stopped and sat motionless above my head the string dangling inches away . How cool I thought in amazement . Then I desired that it go up into the sky so I pointed at it saying go up . The balloon began to ascend into the sky going higher and higher and Higher still no wind to speak of . The balloon directly went up , so high I lost sight of it ! The work bell sounded a few minutes later for the end of lunch break and I came in feeling a sense of elation . One of my work mates came over to me and quietly said . " I saw that ! " and went off to carry on working . Unbeknownst to me he had been sitting round the corner outside , when I had assumed I was alone . The first session started at 10 AM . We were tucked away in a corner out of sight . Our first client , a young man , came in and we said our hello 's as he sat down . As we began , a little girl appeared to me . She was very pretty , with beautiful blond hair . I thought she was about three years old . " Oh wow ! " I said to him . " This is your little girl ? " It upset me quite a bit at that moment . I wondered how I would cope with such a tragedy . She was very happy and just a joy to listen to . She wasn 't bothered by how she died . She described the vehicle that ran her over , which he had since sold , and the new one he now owned . She also spoke of another vehicle and something about motorbikes . She told her dad that it was not his fault , because she had pulled away from her slightly older sister , who she was holding hands with , and ran out behind him as he was backing out his truck . She told him that he and Mommy needed to stay together because they were going to have her baby brother . He was not saying much , but responded by saying that the police had said to him they probably would not stay together as that was pretty common in these type of circumstances . " I don 't know where she went , " I said to the dad . I continued for a few minutes speaking to another deceased relative that had been present . Suddenly , back into view came the little girl . She had her arm wrapped around the neck of a large dog , tugging it into view to show her dad . I described the dog , which he recognized as the family dog who had crossed earlier . Finally , the session drew to a close . I ended up with a bad headache and the rest of the day seemed last long . I found out later that he felt anger towards me for some reason that he couldn 't explain . We have had this happen on a few other occasions . Perhaps the reality of the communication is just too much for them to bear . She told us that she arrived at the house with her husband and witnessed the whole tragedy . They were friends with the family and had listened to the recording of the session the father had with us . She produced a long list of the things that the little girl had said that were true , some of which the father had not acknowledged or understood at the time . She told me that the little girl had described their vehicle , which contained quad bikes ( which I had thought to be motorbikes ) . They were all going out for the day to ride and she had run to greet them . The father did not immediately know he had run her over . The session with her progressed smoothly and she understood everything the little girl told her . I think it was about six months later when we again visited the same store and I had another encounter with the little girl . The session was with a couple we had never seen before . All I remember from that meeting was that she climbed onto his lap and started playing with his divers watch , turning the dial . He became quite emotional and told me that 's what she used to do when he would hold her . This couple were also friends of the same family . I didn 't know what to make of the little girl I was seeing . Obviously it wasn 't his sister , so I carried on with whoever was speaking to me . I could see that they were struggling immensely with the loss of their son . I don 't really know why I wanted to tell them this . Something in me told me that this would help them . When I told them the location of the tragedy they looked at me and exclaimed , " We know that little girl ! She and our son are cousins ! " I think it was the following year that we went back to the same out of state store . Marti and I were there for several days , when one morning , as Marti was fixing some coffee and waiting for the next client , I suddenly saw a familiar figure . It was the little blond girl I had seen so many times before . I called out to Marti and told her who I was seeing . A few minutes later , the shop door bell chimed and in walked a very pregnant woman . She made her way into the store , and I walked over to her and said , " You 're the mother of the little girl that was run over aren 't you ? She is waiting to talk to you . " We saw both the husband and wife together on another occasion . They told us that she did give birth to a son . Against all odds , they had become closer than ever and were once again a happy family . Just knowing that their precious little girl was fine and just a whisper away made a difference that can 't be qualified . We had a very interesting session one time with a lady at a Mind , Body , Spirit Expo . The father of the lady showed up to speak to her . I conveyed to her how he had died but she told me she didn 't know if her father was alive or not . I described her father to her and also asked her father what his name was and he said it was James , to which the woman shrugged her shoulders and said she didn 't know . " Yes , that 's right , " she told me . " Oh , brother ! " I exclaimed . " I don 't know how I 'm going to prove this to you . Are you sure you know absolutely nothing at all about him ? " This lady was over 50 years old and told us that to this day no one in her family would tell her anything about her father . It was as though he didn 't exist . A non - entity . About a week later , the lady contacted us and told us that out of the blue she received some mail unexpectedly from a great aunt . It was a large brown envelope . When she opened it , contained inside were some papers and one photograph of her father . On the back of which was written the name James . The photo was a perfect match to Marti 's drawing . A husband and wife came for a private session recently and as we were about to start , Albert Einstein appeared to me , saying he wanted to talk . I wasn 't going to say anything to my clients at first , but Albert said they might find the connection interesting . I told them he was in the room and the husband told me that was interesting because he works in the patent office and has done for many years . That is where Albert worked whilst forming his theory of relativity . We proceeded with the session and the husband 's two great grandmothers on either side of his family came in to speak to him and his wife about where in Germany they were from . I got out my " Times Atlas of the World " , a very large book , and just opened it up at random . It opened at southern Germany . I was able to locate the approximate location of the town from where one of the grandmother 's , who identified herself as Margaret , came from . The wife sitting with us , who was trying to trace the family history , believed I was off with the name and thought her name was Magdalena . I ended up pointing to a tiny town where I thought this great grandmother was from . Speaking with the lady a few days after our meeting , it transpired that she had hit a wall in the family tree with name Magdalena so she tried the name Margarita . Voila ! She discovered that the name was correct . It led her further back into her family history . Curiously , the small town where Margarita hailed from was about 15 miles from where Albert Einstein 's family was from ! |
Help ! Anyone familiar with the attractions and layout at Universal Orlando ? I 'm planning a family trip for next year and we 're trying to figure out how much time we need to allot to Universal Orland to see both parks . My mom really , really wants to visit them , but she doesn 't do roller coasters or water rides , and she has limited mobility . Universal has a " Rider 's Guide for Disabled Travelers " but it didn 't tell us what we need to know . Specifically , do any of the rides have those moving walkway things ? And if you don 't do many rides , how much time would you need to give both parks a good go ? If you have any advice , feel free to leave a comment or email me at gooshanne @ live . com MSN has a news story about a dumbass - sorry but that 's what he is - who allowed his eight year old child to drive the family truck on the interstate so he could sleep off his drunkenness in the passenger seat . Oh , by the way , his four year old was also in the vehicle . If you want to read the full article , click here . I 'm still having trouble accessing Blogger during the early morning hours . I don 't think it 's my PC , but one of these days I may boot up my lap top just to check . When I sign in , it takes forever for the page to load . Forever as in , fifteen or twenty minutes . Blogger is the only web page I have this problem with . Anyone have a suggestion ? My eBay dude did not go quietly , but I think he 's gone now . He sent me another , angrier message , calling me names , etc . I forwarded it to eBay and received a response stating that his actions would not be tolerated and that eBay would contact him and resolve the situation . I don 't know what they did but I haven 't heard from him since . Can you imagine what someone 's life must be like if they get that angry , that upset , and that mean over a few bucks ? I feel sorry for the guy . He must be a very unhappy person . Ernie 's meds have finally kicked in . She seems to be feeling better . She eats everything in sight . Three times yesterday she woke me for more food . And of course , every time I fed her I ate a cookie from the plate in the kitchen . If she keeps this up I 'm going to turn into a balloon . I 'm half asleep when I go to refill Ernie 's dish and I guess I 'm not engaging my brain . At the moment we 're out of cookies , so I 'm safe . Hopefully nobody will decide we need more . I can 't just put out more kitty food all at once , either . Ernie won 't eat it if it starts to dry out . We have to give her no more than a 1 / 4 can at a time , max , or we end up tossing it later . Walker calls me the boss , but I think the real boss is 4 . 3 pounds of gray fur and loud mouth . Bless her little kitty heart . EBay : a miracle of modern technology . A global yard sale . A veritable treasure chest just waiting to be opened . Gotta love eBay . Or maybe , not so much . . . . . For Diva , I like eBay because she outgrows her stuff so fast . She 's with us mostly on weekends , so nothing gets a lot of wear . I buy her one new church outfit a season , and the rest I try to find second hand . Walker is really hard on his clothes , and he doesn 't think about what he 's wearing when he gets going on a project . I have given up trying to get paint and car wax out of new clothes . I pretty much consider his stuff disposable . For him , I look for new items with the tags still on that are being sold at a greatly reduced price . The stuff looks nice , and if he wrecks something , no big deal . For me , it 's a matter of quantity . I 've lost enough weight that I needed some smaller sizes , but since I 've got a bit to go I didn 't want to spend much . EBay is great for me in that I can bid on lots - collections of separates - and usually end up with enough pieces in one lot to get me through the season . If there are things in the collection that I don 't care for , no big deal . I can always donate them . The goal is to try to get three bottoms and five tops , enough for a work week . I try to get the lot for less than $ 25 . I can do it , too . Just takes some looking . All that said , from where I stand it seems that eBay has taken a downturn lately . I 'm guessing the crappy economy has forced people to sell items that really aren 't up to snuff . But there 's more to my concern that that . My most recent encounter happened when I bid on a lot of eight items : Three pair of capri pants , a pair of shorts , a swimsuit top , two collared shirts , and a pull over shirt . I really only cared about the capris and the collared shirts , since I can wear those items to work . I won the lot for about $ 16 , and there was a fee for the shipping that I gladly paid . Hey , with the price of gas and the intense heat and humidity , I consider shipping charges money well spent if it means I can do what I need to do without leaving my air conditioned house . Anyway : the box arrived . The capris were great , but the shorts had paint all over theForty Pound Sack I was driving to meet my family for dinner when I heard the news that singer Amy Winehouse had died . She was only 27 . It just made me so mad . She had so much talent but she seemed bent on destroying herself . Of course , her cause of death has not been determined , but if it isn 't drug related I will be very surprised . Posted by It was pretty much morning when I got home from work today . I 've been working late every night this week . Can I tell you ? I 'm wiped out . Since the sun was already up , I thought about taking advantage of the slight break in the heat wave by taking my bike out for a ride but honestly , I do not have it in me . I really need to go to bed . Unfortunately , I need to unwind before I do or I will never get to sleep . So here I sit , catching up on my blogger pals . Ten hours from now I 'm due at a family dinner . After that , I have to go back to work . In between I need to catch a few hours ' sleep , finish the laundry , clean up the house , and maybe , if the rain blows past , spend some time at the pool with Diva . Just the basic , Saturday in July stuff . Which brings to mind the fact that today is July 23 . Um , can someone please tell me where the time has gone ? How can July be almost over ? I think I need to take a couple days off work and enjoy the summer . Seems the older I get the faster time flies by . Before we know it there will be frost on the lawn and the leaves will be turning . I want to enjoy these days as much as I can . When I say , " Way to go , " I really mean " go " . Apparently Ernie decided she was not going to suffer through another enema . She presented me with two , ahem , projects , in her box this morning . Just in the nick of time . I called the vet , we decided to keep an eye on her , and her enema was cancelled . Hopefully she 's not a one hit wonder . I also started her on the new medication today . With a little luck she 's be " moving things along " in no time . Of course , I 'm still signed up for project work at the office . I 'll be working this weekend , even though I don 't have to shell out for Ernie 's procedure . Ah , well . Who can 't use a few extra bucks , right ? This heat is expected to continue through the weekend now , so we wouldn 't be doing much anyway . Ernie can 't be feeling too poorly . She gave the vet a pretty hard time . Luckily this vet is not as intimidated by my four pound cat as the last one . He pinned her down with one hand and did his notes with the other . Of course , she peed all over while he held her , but at least no one got bit this trip . My old kitty has a lot of fight left in her . The treatment plan now says , " consider euthanasia " . That was hard to see . When my last kitty was sick , he got so thin and so weak . My cuddly kitty did not want to be cuddled , held , or even petted . He was struggling to breathe . Though it was very hard to do , I never doubted that putting him to sleep was the best thing . I do not feel that is the case with Ernie . At least , not yet . So I signed up for more weekend project work at the office and scheduled Ernie for another enema . In the end , it will probably be more cost effective to go to vet school myself than to keep taking her in , but whatever . I can work the overtime . She 's worth it . The vet did say that once we get her cleaned out there is one more medication we can try . If this doesn 't work . . . . . well , we cross that bridge when the one we 're on collapses , I guess . In the meantime , Ernie has decided not to eat her kitty food . She 'll eat other stuff , if you 're new here and actually try to leave a plate of food unattended . She eats things you would not expect : pop tarts , donuts , salsa , taco salad , chili , spaghetti . . . If you don 't want to share with Ernie , you do not leave the table during dinner unless someone is there to watch your food . But she is supposed to eat just this special renal food , and she 's not eating it . So I drizzled it with the contents of one of my fish oil capsules . Score ! She didn 't finish the serving but she did eat more than she has in several days . I don 't want her getting weak before her sedation . We gotta do what we can . Like most of the country , we 're havin ' a heat wave . We get humidity , too , so much so that driving home from work was like something out of a movie . It was thicker than fog , and it looked different . The moon was a pink orange color , something I have never seen before . The heat index is forecast to be in the 115 * range . Yikes ! Our neighborhood is undergoing a transformation this summer , as roofs , windows , and siding are being replaced due to hail and tornado damage . Even in this heat , crews are working . I guess they have to - the season here is so short . We have a wonderful linden tree in the side yard , and today , the roofing crew from next door set up camp on the lawn under the tree where the shade is dense . I felt so bad for those men , working in this heat . If it were up to me they would be enjoying a paid day off . But , since it 's not up to me , the best I could do for them was haul some patio chairs under the tree so they didn 't have to sit on the ground . Not much , I know . I would have made them some iced tea or lemonade , had I known they were starting work . They did have a big cooler full of bottled water on ice . We 're not expected to get a break from the heat until the weekend . Here 's hoping that the weather gurus are mistaken . In the mean time , we 're logging lots of hours at the community pool and trying to stay cool any way we can . Ernie has an appointment first thing tomorrow morning . The vet was not encouraging . He told me that since this happened again , and so soon , it will probably keep happening . He can do another enema , but he has to knock Ernie out to do it , and that 's hard on her . There is a surgery that may help , but none of the vets in this area are equipped to do it . The closest place is about 150 miles from here . Ernie doesn 't enjoy traveling . Of course , I 'm pretty sure she doesn 't enjoy enemas , either . Walker is wonderful about helping with Ernie , but the decisions he leaves to me . I 've had Ernie for 22 years . I 've only had Walker for 8 . He will support my decision but he won 't offer an opinion . I have some hard choices to make . First , Miss Lucy asked after Ernie . She spent most of the day either curled up on her blanket on the sofa or snuggled in Squeak 's lap . The short story is , the home remedies are not working . It 's been more than long enough that if they were going to work , they would be . I will be calling the vet as soon as the clinic opens . If there are alternatives to having her sedated for another procedure , I 'll try them . If the sedation is the only option . . . . . I just don 't know . The last one was hard on her . She was clearly uncomfortable for several days , and of course , it only lasted a few weeks . Not to mention the $ 600 price tag . We can 't go through this every other month . But one step at a time , right ? I 'm hoping there are stronger meds than what she 's currently on . As for me . . . . well , last night after the fair Walker and I stopped at that huge grocery warehouse that I love so much . I figured with Walker along , maybe we could get in and out before we were eligible for social security benefits . We did better together than I usually do on my own . I had done some research , looking for triglyceride lowering foods and recipes . I had a pretty short list but I figured it would be enough to get started . Bro had just gone grocery shopping , too , so there wasn 't a lot of room in the fridge . I ended up getting some plain Cheerios , some Kashi shredded wheat squares , some Egg Beaters , a carton of blueberries , a couple cans of tuna and mayo made with olive oil , a bag of almonds , and some sour dough English muffins . That last bit may or may not be okay : one website advised that half an English muffin with peanut butter is a good breakfast , but another website said to avoid all products with white flour . I dunno which one is right . Got more research to do . My biggest concern with this whole triglyceride thing is that I have no way to monitor my progress before the big retest . There are no symptoms to alleviate , no at - home tests to take , nothing . I have to just do my best and cross my fingers . I feel very intimidated by that . I have some control issues , LOL , and I like to be able to check up on myself . This is totally pushing me out of my comfort zone . Posted by Walker and I braved the heat wave to head into the country . Why ? Well , because it 's State Fair time ! I don 't remember the last time I went to the fair , but it 's been many years . I wanted to play with the kittens in the small animal barn , and see the gorgeous horses , and eat greasy fair food before I embark on my triglyceride lowering lifestyle modification plan . Plus , the fair is free , parking is free , the music tent is free . It doesn 't get any better . There were no kittens in the small animal barn , but there were some adorable baby chicks and more bunnies that I have ever seen in one place . We looked at hogs and horses and cows and sheep , but I stayed out of the goat barn . Goats hate me . I have been bitten and peed on more times than I care to think about . Seriously . Goats hate me . So we steered clear . After we looked at all the animals we went through the exhibition halls . There were booths selling craft items and jewelry , honey , cosmetics , cookware . . . . then we looked at the 4H stuff . They had woodworking , needlework , photography . Lots of kids winning lots of ribbons . I did notice , in some of the photography entries , that the kids had taken one photo and submitted it in several categories . Like one would be color , and one would be black and white , and one would be cropped as a close up , but all were the same photo . That surprised me . But I guess if you get a great photo , you have to take advantage . Especially the nature shots . You can 't plan those . There was this one exhibit that I really liked . It was a large aquarium filled with all the fish that are native to this area . They had a fact sheet showing each fish and telling what it eats and where it lives and all that . It was pretty cool . But the excessive heat and humidity that always seems to plague the fair was causing the tank to fog so badly you couldn 't make out most of the fish . I did take photos of the fact sheets , cause my nephews go fishing with Bro every week . If they come home with one of the unusual ones , I want to know what it is . That keeps me firmly in my spot as Coolest Auntie Ever . After that it was on to the food court , where we indulged in some yummy , fair only treats like Indian fry bread and these little nuggets : This , my friends , is a plate of artery clogging , heart stopping , stroke inducing batter friend Oreo cookies . Yep , fried cookies . They were good , too . Tasted a bit like warm chocolate donuts . Yeah , I 'll be keeping this discovery to myself at the next doctor 's appointment . There was a band playing during the later hours , but we didn 't stay for much of that . Despite downing several bottles of cold water each , we were both feeling the effects of high heat and humidity . We packed it in at dusk and headed for home . The drive through the farm fields is so pretty , and so calming . The humidity is so thick , you could see a heavy haze hanging in the sky . They say it will get worse - dangerously worse - today , and for several days to come . We 're taking the kids to the community pool this morning , and doing very little else after that . I hope y ' all are cool and safe , too . It was mostly good news . The lab got their orders so my blood tests were done on time . The Tamoxifen isn 't wreaking any havoc , which is about the best news . My overall cholesterol is within the normal range , though it 's at the high end . My triglycerides , however , are another story . They are well into the " too high " range . And my thyroid test was wonky , too . It appears I am under medicated . So what now ? Well , the doctor ordered a higher dosage of the thyroid med , and I 've already picked that up so I can start that today . The rest of it is pretty much the same advice they give you for most everything : eat a low fat , high fiber diet , exercise more , cut out sweets , limit red meat . . . . . . I also have to take fish oil supplements . The doctor is giving me three months to get my numbers down . If I can 't do it , she 'll add prescription meds . I don 't want to deal with more prescriptions - the hassle , the side effects , the drug interaction , the expense , the follow up tests - so I 'm rededicating myself to improving my diet and exercise habits . Who knows - maybe I 'll end up making my weight loss goal after all . A couple weeks ago I got an appointment card in the mail for a blood test at the cancer center . My doctor wanted to do a six month test to make sure my liver wasn 't having issues with the Tamoxifen . Since I also have my annual thyroid check in July , I called my thyroid doctor to see if she could add her lab tests to the oncology lab tests , so I 'd only have to go for one blood draw . Apparently I inherited tiny veins from my dad and blood draws are a long , complicated affair . Well , it was good in theory . The thyroid doctor agreed to add the lab orders to the oncology orders , but somewhere along the chain someone dropped the ball . When I showed up at the lab yesterday after doing the twelve hour fast as required , the phebotomist did not have orders from the thyroid doctor . She tried calling that doctor , but could not get through . So she took an extra tube of blood and left a message for them to call her . I decided not to leave it to chance and called myself , when I got home . They still had not put in the orders , even though my appointment to go over the results is today . I spoke with several people , each of whom blamed someone else . Well , I don 't care what happened or who messed up , just , please , fix it , now , so I can keep my appointment today . We 'll find out at 4pm . Ernie continues her roller coaster ride of health issues . She appears to be constipated again , but this time , rather than have her knocked out for another enema , I decided to try some home remedies first . We started giving her Benefiber in her food , which she doesn 't seem to mind , and we 're also giving her a bit of milk , which normally is not good for kitties but according to my research , a quarter cup of milk a day for a couple days in a row can clear up constipation in kitties . Walker is concerned that we have gone overboard with the treatments and will find out in a most unpleasant way . I hope not . I 'm giving the home remedies until Monday , and if Ernie isn 't . . . . . . cleaned out . . . . by then , she has to go back to the vet . Given her bad behavior at the vet , I really hope it doesn 't come to that . I bet the vet hopes so , too . I 've been having trouble with Blogger lately . It won 't let me write a new post in the early morning hours , when I get home from work . Wonder if they 've been doing maintenance or something ? Sure is frustrating . For the most part , I love working nights . I used to be a regular 9 - 5er , but it never came easily to me . I went on the night shift as a fill - in type thing when my previous employer had a temporary opening . I loved it . There was a bit of an adjustment socially , as I was no longer able to do the once - a - month girls ' night at the movies or the occasional ( okay , weekly ) happy hour . On the other hand , it sure is nice to be able to hang out at the community pool during the golden days of summer . Walker has long worked nights , and in the beginning it was one of the things that made our relationship special . We would meet for breakfast , the only couple enjoying a leisurely meal in a restaurant full of business people snarfing down some oatmeal before rushing to the office . We could go to matinee movies and have the theatre pretty much to ourselves . In the spring , before school let out for the summer , we 'd visit parks and bike trails and hiking paths and not see another soul . There 's a whole different mind set that goes along with the night shift . Walker and I understood each other as most others did not . If I had a buck for every time someone commented to me that it must be nice to have my whole day free , I would be able to retire . Some folks don 't seem to realize that since I work when the rest of the town is sleeping , it stands to reason that I would sleep when the rest of the town is working . I just love when someone calls me , early , to " check if I 'm sleeping " . Um , yeah , I was , before you called , thanks ! But for all that me an the night shift were made for each other , I do get frustrated when , after a long night at work , I can 't come home and do the things that " regular " people do . You know : call a friend , watch " real " TV , balance my checkbook and pay bills online , write blog posts . . . . the TV overnight is mostly infomercials , with a couple of 80 's sitcoms thrown in . I usually have home shopping on for " company " , but rarely actually watch . Many times the websites I visit are down for maintenance , or the cable company is doing maintenance and I can 't get online at all . I used to come home and clean , since Walker works later than I do and I 'd have the house to myself , but now Bro and the boys are sleeping . No more vacuuming at 3am for me . Which , if you think about it , is not a bad thing . = ) Ernie 's eating again , though not as much as she should be . I 'm trying not to fuss over her . She 's never been a cuddly kitty , though as she 's gotten older she 's been friendlier . She seems , to me , to be uncomfortable . She fidgets a lot when before , she 'd hop on the couch , curl into a ball , and sleep the day away . Now she 's always readjusting herself . She does this thing where she kind of squats . She looks like she 's laying down but when you look closer , there is daylight between her body and the sofa . It reminds me of the pose a kitty goes into right before they pounce on something . Only she never pounces . Walker and I went to breakfast this morning . This is getting to be a Sunday tradition . I like it . It 's our " just us " time . We were almost to the breakfast place - it was a fundraiser thing , not a restaurant , and it was fabulous - when the skies opened up and it poured buckets . We parked right in front of the place , but just running to the door we got drenched . While we were eating this older couple came in and I just knew I was familiar with the woman , but I couldn 't figure out how I knew her . After a couple minutes it came to me - she was my babysitter when I was a kid . Before I started kindergarten . Um , yeah , I remember that . Doesn 't everyone , LOL ? I even told Walker where she used to live , and what her house looked like , right down to the cowboy linoleum in the basement play area . I remember the first and last names of the other kids she used to watch , too . So given that all this was 39 years ago , Walker drove past her house on the way home . It was pretty much like I told him , right down to the color , except that they added a gazebo in the back yard . We did not peek in the windows and check out the linoleum , but after we got home my mom stopped by and Walker quizzed her on the old babysitter . Of course , my memories were confirmed by my mom . Score one for me . The project of the week is research for a family vacation of sorts , planned for next year . Walker and I have been saving , so I think we 're good in the budget department , but the logistics are giving me fits . Finding a schedule that works for half a dozen people is no small feat . I think I have it down now . Once I get confirmation from everyone I can start making reservations . I 'm excited , but I 'm keeping it in check until we get some plans nailed down and the dates get closer . I know how quickly things can derail when you 're planning ahead . Ernie cat is curled up at my feet . She usually sleeps on any warm body she can find , but though Walker is dozing on the sofa Ernie is hanging out with me . She did not eat on Friday . Not one nugget of kibble , not one bite of canned food . Her dishes looked exactly the same when I got home from work as they did when I left . Ernie didn 't want to take her medicine today , either . Normally she loves the taste of it , and begs for it like a treat . I don 't have a good feeling about this . Hopefully she just has a bug or something , but at her age . . . . . I made her up some fresh bowls of chow , added a couple of salmon treats , and I 'm hoping for the best . I 'm not ready to give her up yet . I went to the dentist yesterday . I enjoy going to the dentist , for the most part . Everyone there is so nice - not a crab apple in the bunch . The hygienist has a daughter with thyroid issues , so we always talk about that . Good timing , since my annual thyroid check is next week . The hygienist always tells me about websites and such with current information on them . We talk about other stuff too , like what 's in the news and what we 've been up to . Then the dentist comes in , and he 's smart and funny and he always finds something nice to say to me . The time just flies by . It helps that I have pretty good teeth - they don 't have to do too much to get me out the door again . And yet , the morning of my appointment you 'd think I was going to face a firing squad . I get so . Freakin ' . Nervous . Sweaty palms , shaking hands , stomach cramps , the whole bit . I wasn 't always that way , though I don 't remember exactly when it started . It 's like that whenever I have something even vaguely medical : the dentist , the eye doctor , lab appointments , everything . Once I get there , actually in the treatment room , I 'm pretty much fine . Go figure . I used to joke with Walker that I could never have a serious illness . I wouldn 't make it through daily appointments without having a nervous breakdown . So you 'd think that since I did make it through , and I didn 't lose my marbles , the anxiety would be gone , but I actually think it 's worse . I bought myself an IPod , thinking that music would help . I haven 't taken time to load it up yet . In the end , I just tell myself to suck it up and I get through it . I 'm hoping that it will fade out pretty much like it came in . Guess time will tell . Okay , I 'm just going to put this out there : this book ticked me off . All I knew before I read it was that it is the story of a young woman who lived in New York , ran up some credit card bills , and got very creative to pay them off . I thought at worst , it would be an entertaining story . At best , maybe I could learn some tricks to help me in my quest for fiscal fitness . The book itself is okay . It 's not the greatest writing , but then , I wasn 't expecting it to be . But Karyn . . . . she 's something else . She has a way of justifying every ridiculous purchase - $ 400 a month on haircuts and color . $ 900 for ten sessions with a personal trainer - four times . $ 778 on lingerie , so she could hook a man ( it didn 't work ) . If you can afford those things , more power to you . But Karyn could not afford those things , even though she kept buying them . And a whole lot more . But that 's not the part that made me mad . It turns out young Karyn had once blown all the money her parents gave her for college tuition on crap . That made me mad . Not only that she had been so irresponsible - she was a kid , after all - but that she had not learned her lesson . Her mom sent her another check for her tuition , so I guess there was no lesson to learn there , except maybe that if you screw up royally mommy will fix it . Which is probably why , when she found herself $ 20K in debt and unable to pay , she started a website asking people to send her money . And they did . And even though I recognize that what other people do with their money is their business , I feel disappointed that instead of donating to a worthy charity , some folks sent donations to Karyn , a girl who clearly needed a reality check . She has an amazing sense of entitlement . At one point , Karyn writes that she did not have money for food . So she stole an apple from a co worker . She thought it would be okay since the apple had been on his desk for a couple days . So why didn 't she just tell him she didn 't bring her lunch and hey , could she please have that apple ? Nope , she stole it . When she wrote about it on her website and people called her out , she confessed to her coworker and gave him another apple . But guess what - after a couple days , the apple was still on his desk , so she stole that one , too . That made me mad as well . Not about the apple itself , but the idea that hey , I want it , so I 'm just going to take it . And she clearly doesn 't see anything wrong with it . I think it 's that attitude that got her into trouble in the first place . The whole idea that she deserved things because she wanted them , and who cares if she could not pay ? Someone would pay , whether it was mommy , her website readers , or someone she hadn 't thought to hit up yet . It just would not be Karyn . The upside of this whole insipid book is that the spirit of generosity is alive and well . Karyn 's readers bailed her out of debt . How she 's doing now is anyone 's guess . I did check her website , looking for updates . There aren 't many . Her last post was weeks ago . She has joined a gym again and she has adopted a couple of those tiny designer dogs that she dresses up in little outfits . All I can say is , I hope she paid cash , and I hope she has a savings account now , cause vet bills are not cheap . Ernie 's been getting fussy with her food lately , so this morning Walker stopped at the vet clinic for a bag of the " other " kidney food , a dry kibble type thing . I wasn 't sure she 'd eat it but holy crow , I no sooner opened the bag and she literally came running . She was chowing down and she started making these noises . Seriously , I thought she was choking . Um , no . She was just happy . Walker makes the same noises when he eats , LOL . I Want a Big Backyard Yesterday we took Diva to the community pool . It 's a pretty little pool with diving boards and slides and fountains . There 's a zero depth entry and two divided areas with varying depth . Great when the kids were little . But . There are a couple brats hanging out there , and there are a couple lifeguards who need a new profession . The brats had a spitting contest off the slide . Really obnoxious . Especially when one of them got the bright idea to spit on the hand rail and see how far the goober would slide . The lifeguards in question spent more time talking to each other than watching the water . Walker and I were sitting in the shade having a soda and we watched half a dozen people break half a dozen rules . For myself , I don 't really care what everyone else does , but this tells me that I can not drop the kids off and go . Ever . If they lifeguards aren 't paying attention sooner or later someone 's gonna get hurt . I trust my kids to behave but that doesn 't mean there won 't be an accident or that someone else won 't start something with them . We finally left when the pool closed for an hour for a " fecal incident " . I know , right ? I wish we had a big backyard so we could put in our own pool and be done with it . When I was a kid my mom would send us to the pool for the afternoon , and I don 't think she ever came . She didn 't drive us , either . We rode our bikes . The admission was a dime . Now we pay a hundred bucks for a season pass for the three of us . And if Diva goes , an adult goes with her . My neighbors shot off fireworks all weekend . Til after 2am each night . We haven 't had much rain lately , and the grass is very dry . Rockets are prohibited in the city , but people shoot them off anyway . I enjoyed the displays but I 'm glad it 's over now , too . The noise was a bit much that late at night . And there 's a lot of mess to clean up . Bits of burned up fireworks are in the street and all over my lawn from the neighbors . I will never understand how some folks can make a royal mess and just leave it . We 're pretty much used to it from those people . Their kids are heading to the teen years and I dread it . They 're pretty obnoxious now , cussing all the time and getting into trouble . I have a feeling it 's only going to get worse . Maybe they can go to reform school with the brats from the pool , LOL . Diva has signed up for a bunch of day camps . The one she really wants is riding camp , where she would spend a week learning to care for and ride horses . She signed up with her friend from school , but the class was full so they ended up on a waiting list . I hope they both get in . They also signed up for archery and bowling . Those are just one day each . My mom handles the arrangements and makes sure the kid gets dropped off and picked up at the right time , as these camps start bright and early and Walker and I are still doing the night shift . I love that the kids have so many opportunities these days . When I was a kid they didn 't have all these activities . Maybe Diva will develop a passion for something . I think , at times , her life can be difficult . I don 't think she 's aware of that yet , but she will be , soon . Both her parents are divorcing her step parents , and she 's moved around a lot . She 's gone to several different schools . She 's a happy kid , and a smart one . If we can keep her focused on something positive , I think she 'll be okay . Posted by I tried to talk to Squeak this morning , but he didn 't have time for me : he was busy making his bed . I came back a few minutes later , but no dice . He was still busy making his bed . After all that diligent bed making , I had to laugh when I saw the finished results . I made sure Squeak was out of earshot first . Walker and I found our red oak tree . We brought him home in the convertible with the top down . That was a fun ride . The tree people don 't get many requests to load fifteen foot trees into the back of convertibles , but they wrapped the canopy up and we got him home safe . After we dropped the tree off , I took Walker out for brunch . He 's seemed stressed lately . He didn 't have much to say , but I 'm pretty sure that having extra people in the house , including the kids , is taking a toll . I told him , if there is something specific bugging him , just say so and we would try to fix it . Time will tell if he does . Really , he 's more likely to just stew about it . I hope he starts speaking up . I have to say , it was a nice treat to have a meal together that I didn 't have to cook or clean up . After brunch we went home to plant the tree but then Walker decided to get some tree rings , then he wanted to fill the rings with bark mulch , then he wanted to back fill the tree hole with compost so while he was running around buying supplies and filling the compost bucket at the city compost pile I used the time to do some much needed garden grooming . It 's been a while since I spent an afternoon gardening . I cleared out dead leaves and sticks from the storm last week . I put a new coco mat in the hanging basket . It looks better but with the contrast of the new coco mat you can really tell how badly bent up the hanging basket got during the tornado . I don 't really get weeds in the flower beds , thanks to bark mulch and a bit of Preen sprinkled about in the spring , but there were spent blossoms to dead head and some careful pruning to be done . It looks much better now , groomed and healthy . Diva asked for a rose bush to be planted outside her bedroom window , and I noticed one at the back of the garden wasn 't doing well , so I moved out some hyacinth bulbs and brought in the rosebush . It just has a couple wimpy little leaves on it . I 'm not sure it will survive . But if not there are half a dozen more and we can move one of those . We 're going to call this photo the " before " shot . Hopefully there will be blooms on this little guy before frost . The heat wave broke , as they so often do , with a summer storm that knocked out power and brought in high wind , rain , thunder , and lightning . There was no storm in the forecast , so I 'm not sure where it came from , but while I was at work the weather bulletins started coming in . Before long the winds picked up , then the power went out . We had generators , but nobody else in the neighborhood did . It was eerie , how dark it got . We could not see even to the end of our parking lot . The police went door to door with flashlights , checking . An hour later it was all over , but driving home was reminiscent of the tornado : branches down , trash blowing around , garbage cans in the streets . I stopped by my mom 's and cleaned up her yard in the dark . She had lots of flower pots and such scattered around , and her garbage cans had blown from the back yard into the street out front . It 's very dark in her yard at night but I think I got it all . My yard had lots of tree branches , but none that were too big . I cleaned that up , too . This week was a long one . Early in the week I had a minor accident - a stack of boxes piled against the wall in the supply room toppled over on me when I was putting freight away , hitting me across the back - and things went downhill from there . We 're short staffed because of the holiday , but there is extra work to do as we close out the second fiscal quarter of the year . This happens every year at this time , but so far we haven 't found a way to make it better . You gotta give the staff their time off . So I went in early and stayed late . When I finally got home tonight I came in to a messy house , a kitty with an empty food dish , overstuffed garbage cans , and my patio plants all rolling around , toppled . Not the best way to end the week . Especially since Walker had the day off . I thought the dishes , at least , would be done . No such luck . I 'm looking forward to the weekend , though . I 'll get the dang house cleaned , then I 'm taking Diva to the swimming pool . It 's been open late due to the heat wave , and I 'm hoping the extended hours will go through the weekend . I love to swim at night - I sleep like a rock afterwards . I 'm on the hunt for a red oak tree for the side yard , too . We had to take one of our trees out after it cracked nearly the full length of the trunk . It was a beautiful locust tree , but we still have another locust in the yard already so I 'm going to try the red oak . If I can find one . There will be fireworks on Monday night , and maybe a cookout , and probably a bike ride or two . Bring on the weekend ~ I 'm ready ! Holy crow , it 's HOT outside . When I left work at 4am it was still over 90 on the heat index . And humid ! It 's like breathing soup . When I was a kid we didn 't have air conditioning . Neither did most of my friends . The next door neighbors had central air , as well as a kid my age . She had asthma , and on humid , hot days she wasn 't allowed to go outside . So the AC would be on , and we 'd play at her house . The problem was , her mom always made us play in the basement . It was musty down there , but her mom hated the sight of kids ' toys scattered around , even if we were actively playing with them . So we were banished to the basement . My mom finally got a window unit for our living room . It was small , but if we kept the doors to the hall and kitchen closed it did a good job of cooling down the living room and the dining room . We would sit and make jigsaw puzzles on the dining room table , since there were six of us and not a lot to do in those rooms besides watch TV . My mom would let me sleep on the living room floor on hot nights . I loved that little window unit . When I bought my first house , I finally had central air . Of course , I had to put it in , but at least I had it . I have to say , I 'm spoiled now . I especially like to have the house cool when I sleep . I can still remember those long , hot nights when I was a kid . My mom always had fans going but all that really did was keep hot air blowing around . One night my sister and I tried to sleep outside but the mosquitoes made a banquet of us , and we ended up back in the house before midnight . The heat index for today is predicted to reach about 118 * . I will be riding out the heat wave behind closed doors , with my air on . |
Posted on April 18 , 2017 by depressionmuse It 's the dawn of a new day … no , no , no . It isn 't actually . It 's an hour before sunset and it is my privilege to be sitting outside under a blue sky on campus . I just got out of work and I have a half hour before class , so I figure I can make use of this time and have the luxury of writing a blog entry . I was elegantly dressed at work and I brought my bright pink duffel bag with gym clothes and flip flops to change into . It always feels great to not be in work clothes since I spend over 40 hours a week in them anyway . I wonder if in grad school I 'll feel compelled to dress formally as at work or casual as I am now . I suppose it will depend on what others do in my cohort . But this is undergrad and I totally fit in in gym clothes . I still don 't get the whole torn jeans thing . You buy jeans and other clothing items that look totally mutilated . I don 't get it . Not for me . Not of my generation or stylistic comprehension . But I will reserve judgement . It 's just cool enough , 71 degrees and in the shade , to be wearing a nice , baggy sweater . I love covering myself up but letting my feet roam free in the air . I don 't like tight clothing unless it is black because then you can 't really see the shape as well . Even if I were super skinny … no , no , no . Yet again , no . I don 't want to be thin . I want to be healthy . I want to be as I am now . I am so lucky to have been able to afford a new and lightweight computer . I look at myself out on this slab of a concrete bench with a laptop in my lap , typing away , and I think , wow , I am so modern . I have modern technology and my computer is portable . I can use it anywhere . I can connect to WiFi anywhere on campus . It just wasn 't like that when I went to college . I don 't even use a physical notepad any longer because I take all of my notes on a Word document . What ever happened to the buy - it - once computer technology . It 's because Microsoft can make more money off of an annual subscription fee . Plus the software gets updated automatically . This morning was amazing . This weekend was amazing . It 's all because I have not been feeling depressed . I woke up before my alarm clock . Can you believe it ? Me , of all people . Me , the person who used to have three alarms set on my phone with three snooze options per alarm . That 's an alarm ringing every 5 to 10 minutes for 45 minutes long . My first alarm would ring at 7 : 00 and my last snooze would be at 7 : 50 in order to make the short drive to start work by 8 : 30 . I woke up before my alarm because of a nightmare . But in that bad dream I was saying " no " to my abuser . I tried closing my eyes to think of something pleasant , such as imagining sitting in my therapist 's calming waiting room , but the visualization didn 't work . So I got up . I actually got up . I put my feet on the ground and slowly stood up . That 's all it took to get up . I am so amazed . Why does it feel insurmountably difficult to drag myself out of bed every single day , but today , for whatever reason , it was easy ? I want more of these days ! I had coffee . I only make myself coffee on weekends when I sleep in and I have nowhere to be in the mornings . I purposefully don 't schedule my weekend mornings because I know just how difficult it is for me to get out of bed . But today , on a weekday , on a Monday , I made myself espresso in my stovetop moka . I even sat outside to drink it . I felt the cool air rushing over my skin while I was still in pajamas . My patio is filled with a bag of potting soil , a new plant , and new pots . I have big plans for my patio . Two years ago , in 2013 and 2014 when I had my one bedroom apartment which I could afford only at the time , I had a potted garden on my balcony . I had the most beautiful ceramic pots of blue and other colours . I grew sunflowers and morning glories and basil and zucchini and mint and succulents and I still had my sentimental tree that I had grown since it was a baby tree for about eight years . I have since given that tree to my brother and his girlfriend and I 'm fine with them having it . I can grow a new tree . Wouldn 't it be cool to grow an avocado tree ? It takes years to finally bear fruit . I have only ever gotten a seed to grow two feet tall , but that in itself was an accomplishment . I used to take pictures of my flowers and send them to friends . All of this , I am going to do again . I am going to return to the person I was , the person who had hobbies and who did creative things , and filled her life with joy . It has taken a long time to come back to this place . But I did it . I am doing it . Posted on April 17 , 2017 by depressionmuse I have been doing a lot of thinking lately . I always do a lot of thinking . Yet processing the events of yesterday have required a concerted effort on my part . The events occurred over a period of just over an hour . To be exact , we started at just around 2 : 00 and when I walked out it was 3 : 13 . The number 13 has been significant in my life for a long time . I think in general , it is an unusual and unique number . It is a prime number and an odd number . " Everything happens for a reason . " Alejandra kept repeating this phrase during the beginning of our session . I had an appointment scheduled to see my psychotherapist at 2 : 00 on Saturday . When my friend , who is also my assistant at work , told me about her experience about her " reading " I was really intrigued . I 'm really not into this sort of thing . It has interested me but not to the extent to where I have really done anything other than a cursory Internet search on the topic . I have never looked into it before . My upstairs neighbour got some tarot cards a while ago and said he wanted to start learning how to read the cards . He had downloaded an app on his phone to help him . There are so many cards in a pack , and all of them and their meanings have to be committed to memory . " God said to me , I gave you a gift and you need to use it . " Alejandra was talking about the time when she was homeless and living out of her car on H Street in her neighbourhood , which isn 't in the best area of town . " How did you get food ? " I asked . " I went to 7 - Eleven on the corner of the street , " she replied . Thirteen years ago her father had died on a Monday . That same week , her mother died the following Saturday . She was relating to me in that she was in a deep depression . She had gone to a psychiatrist and he prescribed pills to her . Antidepressants , presumably . She said to him , " That 's it ? " " Yes , that 's it , " he replied . She walked out with the prescription . No talk therapy . That 's all that was offered to her . She took a pill on the first day and by the time the second day came around , she took one look at the bottle and poured the contents down the toilet and flushed . " I am not going to take pills when have the power to heal myself , " she said to me . " What if there is a chemical imbalance , like I have ? " I asked . I had already told her that I take three different kinds of medication daily for depression and that I really , really need them to stay balanced and okay . She told me that I can do it . That slowly , very slowly , I can come off of the medications . It 's called titration but I didn 't tell her that . I knew what she meant . She was very kind to me especially while relaying this information to me . While she was homeless she was giving readings with her tarot cards to her friends . She didn 't charge them . If they asked her if she wanted payment she sort of just shrugged her shoulders . They would give her five dollars , here and there . " Nobody helped me out when I was homeless , " she told me . No one gave her money . She was down on her knees and praying and that 's when God told her she needed to use her gift . He told her that she needed to always be honest , because the day that she isn 't honest in using her gift , he will take that gift away from her . She doesn 't do this for the money . I know she is telling the truth . She only charges $ 50 for a reading , whereas others around town charge $ 100 or more . My roommate cleansed our home a few weeks ago by burning sage and we both said prayers throughout our home . We cleansed the entrances and our rooms of nightmares and bad dreams , and any bad energies that might have been there . She suggested I do a cleansing with a healer , i . e . a psychic medium . From a quick Google search she sent me a few links and each cleansing was advertised at $ 150 . No way am I going to spend that kind of money when I can spend that on seeing my psychotherapist instead . So when my assistant started talking to me about her reading , even before knowing the cost , I was very intrigued . Alejandra had told her to not wear black on Fridays because it is bad luck . She didn 't tell me that . She also told my friend that the man she is with is not for her , and that she sees her doing something in the medical field . Funny you mention that , said my friend to this lady , I just signed up for nursing school . There is no way that Alejandra could have known that previously . She told my friend to stay single for a while and to focus on herself . It sounded like such a positive experience that I wanted to have the same thing done to me . I wanted to get my reading done . When I first arrived at Alejandra 's home , I was very nervous . She lives in a very modest one - bedroom apartment on the first floor of a gated community in a decent but not the best of neighbourhoods . The main room smelled delicious and the air was filled with a type of incense . There was a curio cabinet full of interesting items that were all similar . There were several shelves of what looked like glass bells , with all sorts of designs on them . I asked to use the restroom . She directed me to her bathroom , to which I walked through the bedroom to get to . Her bedroom is modest and small . There was a hair pin under the stopper in the sink and I was tempted to take it out because it looked out of place , until I realized that the pin was keeping the stopper up , so that water could run through it underneath . It had a purpose . There was a digital scale under a cabinet which I tried to briefly use but I couldn 't figure out how to get it to work and I didn 't want too much time to pass , else she might wonder what I was doing in her bathroom . She has a lot of perfumes on display . There is a small , brown leather couch with three seats in it in the living room . I believe there was a carpet but now I 'm not so sure . There was a fold - out card table just barely big enough to put cards on , and a foldout chair on the other side of the card table opposite the couch . I placed my purse and an extra bag I had brought on the floor and sat on the couch immediately . She then asked me to sit in the small chair . My back was to the front door and to my right up against the wall was her altar , which consisted of about five large porcelain glass figurines of different angels . There was a smaller box , very small , with what looked like a dollar bill stuffed into it . I surmise , as an offering to the angels . There were a couple other smaller items on the altar , which was a flat surface on top of a small wooden cabinet , which looked like it also served as a space heater because there was a knob or dial to turn on heat and an electronic furnace on the bottom of it . She was about to sit down to start our session when she said , " now I have to use the restroom . " Several minutes later she came out of her bedroom very animated and said , " my phone fell in the toilet , I hope it still works . " She got out some Lysol sanitizing wipes and started wiping down her phone . She kept repeating , " I hope it works " and then , " It 's not working , it 's not working . " She used a kitchen towel to wipe down the sanitizing moisture and continued to swipe her phone . The screen was on , and nothing was working . Suddenly she asked me , " you must be very nervous ? " I said , " yes . " That 's when she said , " that 's why . Everything happens for a reason . " I was tempted to ask her to clarify what she meant , in that I understood it was because I was nervous that her phone fell into the toilet . I held back and didn 't ask her because I had already understood that . I was also tempted to apologize and say , " I 'm sorry " but I held back because I knew it wasn 't my " fault . " It was just something that had happened . She came back to the couch while continuing to make comments about her phone and trying to get it to work . " Do you mind if I move this ? " she asked , referring to my purse . Before I could answer verbally , having already nodded my head in consent , she moved my purse to the couch . " It is bad luck to put your purse on the floor . " Taking that information in , I noted how I literally always have my purse on the floor . When I sleep at night my purse is on my bedroom floor . At work , my purse is on the floor . Now I am going to start placing my purse on my hope chest in my bedroom and locking my purse in a drawer during the daytime at work . I never knew this . First , she said she needed to cleanse the energy of the previous person off of the cards . She took the incense burner which was to her side and placed it on the card table . Fanning about five to seven cards at a time she waved them over the smoke of the incense until she got through the whole pack . Then she asked me to shuffle the stack in any way , three times . After that I was to separate the stack of cards in three ways , the first pile laying face down horizontally , then the next vertically , then the next horizontally , simply indicating the break in the pile which I had chosen . I didn 't pay much attention to how she dealt out the cards and ordered them ; it happened too quickly for me to catch on . While dealing out the cards and looking at them , she read them out loud to me . " You have been hurt very badly in the past , " she said . I didn 't have to tell her that it had been in a relationship ; she already knew that . She said that his energy is still with me and that I need to forgive him and to forgive myself . She said the first time he hurt me , it was his fault . The second time … I stopped her . I knew what she was going to say and I told her that . " You 're going to tell me that it was my responsibility . " " Yes , you could have said no , " she said . " I did say no . I said no so many times . He wore me down . " I , of course , didn 't want to take responsibility . But in a kind way , she said that I need to forgive myself , and pray for God to enter his life . " Yes , he said that he was Jesus sometimes , " I told her . " He does not have God in his life . " She said I need to imagine him visually before me and to pray for him and to forgive him . Later in the session she told me he is not going to live long . That had been after I asked her if my mom will live a long life , which she affirmed with a " yes . " I was allowed to ask her absolutely anything , but by the end of the session she had told me so much about myself and my future , I could barely think of anything else to ask . She told me that I need to forgive the person in my past relationship before he passes away . I told her that he likes to do dangerous things like flying airplanes . He is a pilot . He also likes to drive at extremely fast speeds on any roads , even if they say 15 miles per hour . She repeated that he is not going to live long and that I need to forgive him . I told her that he had gotten remarried last year and that he is probably doing the same thing to the new woman he is with . " That is not your problem now , " she told me . She told me that I need to get closer to my family . Without me having to tell her , she knew that I am in this city alone and that my family is not around me , for whatever reason . I did not fill in the blank but said , " my friends are my family here . " She told me that me and my brother are my mother 's entire life , that my mom lives for us . She said that my mom loves me and that I mean much more to her than my brother means to her . She told me that I need to go visit her as soon as possible . " What if my mom comes to me ? I could buy her a ticket and she can come visit . " " That is fine , " said Alejandra , " as long as you see her soon . " I told her that my mom is moving and that she will be even further away from me . " Just visit her as soon as possible . " " Okay , " I said . " I see you sitting at your desk all day long . What do you do for work ? " she asked . She was right . I am glued to my desk . I explained to her that I work for financial advisors in the field of finance and that I schedule appointments for them , and that I am on the phone all day long with my headset on . She nodded in understanding . Before that she had told me that I am looking to get a better job . She was also right . I told her I am looking to change my career . Before I had even told her that I am going to school , she said that I am fine financially right now , but that I will struggle a bit in the future . She was right , because when I start school , I am planning to take out loans . When she had learned that I am in school , she said , " you are studying something like psychology . " There is no way , no prior indication , which would have let her know that information . " Yes , " I said , " and I am applying to grad school to become a marriage and family therapist . " She was looking at five cards spread out with one in the middle and four at each corner . She told me that my dreams will come true and that I will be successful in my career . " You want to have children , " she told me . " Yes , " I replied enthusiastically . " She told me that I will have two children . I told her how I am thinking of freezing my eggs this year because after 35 I will be considered advanced maternal age , and that the risk of birth defects including down syndrome increases significantly . I told her that freezing my eggs is expensive . " You can afford it ? " she asked me . " Yes , right now I can . Should I do it ? " She didn 't answer me but took out her other phone , her personal phone which had not fallen into the toilet , and showed me a photograph of a woman who , at two years older than Alejandra , is 49 , and was surrounded in the photograph by three people . Two of those children were older girls , one looked like she is a teenager , the other in her middle to late childhood . There was a third child . This child was a boy and looked abouPosted on March 30 , 2017 by depressionmuse I am kind to myself . I can be nice to myself . I give myself permission to practice self - kindness . I can be gentle with me . I can do this . I am doing this . I will keep doing this . I am strong , kind , generous , faithful , intelligent and beautiful . I took the day off of work today . It was a mental health recovery day . These last five days have been hard and I just couldn 't see myself going to work today . I kept snoozing the alarm and I knew I just didn 't want to deal with life today . Instead , I slept for about 16 hours . I finally got up in the early afternoon , a couple hours before seeing my psychotherapist . I was originally going to see him after work , but because I took the day off and he had availability , I was able to see him sooner . I saw him yesterday and I am seeing him tomorrow . It 's Spring Break and he 's not teaching this week , therefore , I am taking what I can get . I 've always dreamed of seeing him every day for several days in a row . I tell him by email all the time that I hate not seeing him and I hate having to wait five days to see him . Well , I can rest easy because I get to see him in less than 24 hours from now . When I can 't cope , I can 't cope . It 's just a fact . I wasn 't okay . When I get overwhelmed my mind goes straight to suicide and self - harm . It makes sense . I wasn 't able to retaliate when I was being abused because talking back or acting out would only make things worse . So when I couldn 't control things in my external world , I turned to my inner world for a sense of control . In focusing in on myself , in exacting self - harm whether through restricting food , cutting on myself , drinking alcohol , having more sex with strangers , telling myself I wasn 't worthy of love , and in so many other ways , I was able to control aspects of my life . Unfortunately , the control seeped out into other parts of my life and I felt that this was beyond my control . I acted out at work and ruined my professional life by quitting my career job out of desperation . But after leaving the abusive situation I was in , I began to heal myself once the major PTSD symptoms had subsided , which took a couple years . When I was growing up too , my external world was beyond my control and things were unstable , so I controlled my inner world by fantasizing aPosted in abuse , depression , healing , Inner strength , learning , Mental illness , psychotherapy , PTSD , recovery , Self Care , Self harm , Suicide , unsuicideLeave a comment Anorexic Ideation Posted on March 28 , 2017 by depressionmuse I started starving myself yesterday . It 's not a complete starvation diet . Since I managed to eat just 750 calories yesterday I 'm going to restrict myself to 800 calories per day . I think that 's reasonable . I just got home from work and I 've had a total of 515 calories so far . I 've been constantly hungry for the past two days but I am able to sleep through the night and I think I have been drinking more liquids . That 's good , so I don 't get a headache from being hungry . I like the control this gives me . I have told several of my close friends . Some have responded with love and compassion and others have responded with insulting comments . That makes me feel bad and it is unfortunate . And I 'm not going to eat because someone tells me to eat . I like the control I get over my body . I don 't see this as a mental disorder because I don 't have a distorted perception of my body . I know I 'm a bit fat . I 'm about five foot , two inches and I was 139 for the longest time but in the last two weeks I 've gotten down to 131 pounds and it is very encouraging . I would like to reach 125 , then 120 , and then we 'll see from there . A person I thought was a mentor and who used to be like my father responded " you can 't come visit if you have a feeding tube " . Can you believe someone would say that ? Whatever happened to unconditional love ? The best thing about this diet is that I can have as much tea as I want , which is soothing and comforting , and it 's not that I couldn 't have tea before , it 's just that I need the comfort of the hot tea more now than ever . I told my roommate about my plan and she told me that is not healthy . That was earlier this afternoon by text message . Now she is sitting in the living room with me here , playing with her cat , and she hasn 't said a word to me . Just " hi " and that 's it . She probably just doesn 't know what to say . I have no idea what my therapist is going to tell me tomorrow night . Supposedly this is connected to the ending of my group therapy , because I decided to stop going . I started looking up things on anorexia last week and then by Saturday night I was so incredibly angry with myself that I was considering jumping off a bridge , but then I decided to go to bed . Yesterday I had no desire to live and I didn 't feel like getting up , and so 14 hours later when my mom called in the afternoon , I finally got up . I must admit I did feel better about life in general after getting up and being " alive " . Did you know that a medium - sized apple contains 95 calories ? Neither did I . But the internet has all sorts of information readily available . I used to think that anorexic people looked … well , far too skinny . But I was looking at images today while at work and I was thinking to myself that it looks beautiful . My friend whom I am seeing tonight said that women are meant to have curves and that my ex - abuser wanted to me to look like a little girl and that is why he put me on diets . He hated my big breasts and totally disregarded them as if they didn 't exist . All he cared about was my vagina and getting into it with his hands and other body parts as much as possible . And getting other men to use me too . I have to go over to my friend 's house before it gets too late . She called me last night as soon as I told her what I am doing to myself and we planned to get together tonight . She wants to show me and remind me that I am loved and that her child loves me very much . He is five now and I have known him since he was born . She said that a child 's love , and a baby 's love , is pure . I couldn 't agree more . One of my blog post categories that I created is unsuicide . Tonight we talked about suicide in class . The local Bridge even came up . I was already feeling sad from earlier and had already had suicidal thoughts . I am angry . I am angry that the victims compensation board won 't grant me compensation . This is causing me undue stress . I need to just drop it . I need you to help me let go . I can 't do this any more . Not like this . By the end of class I didn 't feel suicidal any longer and I drove home and I ate a lot . I ate because eating helped me feel , especially since my tummy is very very full . I can really feel it . I needed to do something , so I ate . I am pissed off at myself , not just angry . I think I am so stupid for carrying on like this . I hate myself for this . I can 't stand it . I can 't stand myself . Why am I so stupid ? Why can 't I just let it go . I was thinking about my ex earlier today and wondering what his life is like . I miss the things that were good between us . But there wasn 't enough of the good things and they always came with expectations or consequences . You said it was about control . It was a constant power struggle . I don 't even feel like celebrating my birthday any more . I hate the world . I wrote my mom a nice card for our birthday ( since she gave birth to us , she gets to be celebrated too ! ) . I just want to quit everything and quit work and quit everything . I want to quit life . I want to quit like I quit the group . Just stopped dead . End it . Just stop everything . I just now took a deep breath . You point out when I take deep breaths . It helps I guess . I hate something . I hate someone . I just hate . I hate I hate I hate . I don 't like it . I am angry . I am upset . I am angry . I wish I could see you tomorrow . I can 't believe I wasted 2 hours at work not doing stuff I should have been doing . I am so behind at work . Damn it . So behind and it 's all my fault . Even if I worked I would be behind . Posted on March 15 , 2017 by depressionmuse Lately , I have been feeling stressed . Most of it is work stress . There is a finite level of the human capacity to tolerate stress , and I was close to that ceiling today . I took time off of work in the middle of the day to see my therapist because I needed to see him three times this week and that was the only time which was going to work . He helped me talk through the concerns which have been giving me anxiety at work in regards to my new assistant . I feel responsible for her progress because I am the one training her . However , I am not her supervisor and I do not have the authority to correct her behavior . I am worried that her motivation might not be as high as I hoped it would be and six weeks into the job I just thought she would get it by now . But I have to give her leeway because the learning curve in this industry is steep and she has no prior experience . I want her to be making more phone calls and taking on more tasks and I 'm worried about not being able to trust her with projects to take on her own . She has been consistently late to work and she does not dress appropriately professionally . All of things are going to be looked at and handled by our supervisor now . What was hard was handing over that responsibility to someone else because I thought I could handle it . But my boss said she didn 't want to put me in that position . She 's right . I just ate a chocolate that is at least three years old . It was Ghirardelli with raspberry filling , only the filling had sunken in on itself . It tasted okay though I was hesitant at first bite . People give me chocolates and I just don 't eat them . I found a new walking path today . Because of the time change and the fact that it is lighter for longer in the evening , I had decided to go for a walk by my home . My neighborhood is not ideal for walking : there are long roads with only one sidewalk and cars which go by at fast speeds . I went walking along one of those roads . It crosses over a freeway . The bridge over the freeway is not very high , but I imagined myself jumping off the edge into the traffic below . I would probably only break a foot or leg , but the cars going by at 75 miles per hour in the fast lane would surely kill me . Only , if I survived , I might be physically impaired for the rest of my life and it would be very hard to kill myself then . I didn 't think about that at the time . I thought about that if I survived , and another person died on the scene due to the car accident , then I would be convicted for involuntary manslaughter or some sort of charge and I would have to serve jail time and then it would be very difficult to find employment . If I had a criminal record I would not be permitted to work with children and the idea of my future career change would be out of question . I would be stuck in a minimum wage job because that 's the only type of job which would be willing to employ me and I would be on state healthcare and unable to travel or buy nice foods or do anything that costs money . So , I kept on walking , both times that I crossed the bridge , and I left my fleeting thoughts behind me on the bridge each time . I didn 't take them with me . I had a nice dinner , leftover sweet potato curry from a restaurant , and it was delicious . Yellow sauce and whole pieces of soft yam and potato and some mushrooms , with rice on the side . I recently bought jasmine tea , which I haven 't had for some time in my pantry , and I am really enjoying sipping on it . I should be studying but I 'm not . The cat is on the carpet right in front of where I am sitting and I had to reprimand him a few minutes ago for scratching on my cloth ottoman in the middle of my L - shaped couch . The couch is light green and I really love the color . My paperwork from school and job interviews and college applications have been littering the living room for the past month . I want it out so I can visually see it , and be reminded that , oh yeah , I still have that essay to write , or oh yes , there 's the New Yorker Magazine from the subscription my Mum got me which I never take the time to read . I told her not to renew it last year but I was too late . " They were having a discount , " she claimed . Every day I catch myself rubbing my skin to get the dirt off of me . Only , it doesn 't consume my hours any longer , it 's just a little skin rubbing here and there . It 's part of the OCD category of symptoms , but doing it soothes me and at the same time it feels productive because I actually get dirt off of me . They come off in miniscule amounts which my therapist and my aunt have told me are dead skin cells . But I don 't believe it even though the rational side of my brain knows that they are right . I am still uncomfortable with the topic of sex and when it comes to my body , I don 't like to think about it . I feel fat even though I 've weighed the same amount for the past two years , which is the first time in my life ever that my weight hasn 't fluctuated drastically . I used to be very skinny and it was absolutely unhealthy , but at least I didn 't feel fat ( even though my ex abuser told me I was ) . I am supposed to look at myself as beautiful but the best I can muster is " eh , I look decent . " My therapist doesn 't judge me . He doesn 't like to diagnose me and never tells me that there is something wrong with me . He guides me and makes gentle suggestions or gets me to think about a situation in a new perspective that I wouldn 't have come up with on my own . Therapists aren 't supposed to diagnose anyway , unless it 's for an insurance company . Having a diagnosis sucks , although some people find it useful to have a label for their symptoms , such as schizophrenia , bipolar disorder or OCD , to name a few . Five years ago I met the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder , or BPD , and now I no longer do . So it seems to me that it must have been PTSD symptoms instead . Because , how does a personality inherently change ? A personality defines a person . Labels don 't define me . And I don 't have BPD . I have major depressive disorder , but it 's something that I have but not something that I am . Posted on March 10 , 2017 by depressionmuse I am the maker of my destiny . Those are powerful words . It means that I am in charge of my life now . It is assuming responsibility for the actions that I take within my life . There 's no more acting from the perspective of fear or hurt . Sound decisions based upon a balanced soul and rational mind control my life . Some things don 't always go as planned and there are setbacks . But those are part of the normal ebb and flow of ups and downs which comprise the human consciousness . I have not been accepted into the two graduate programs I applied to . I had high hopes for both and both times I was disappointed to the point of being temporarily devastated . But I have recovered . Had I written about those incidents at the time those musings would have been infused with strong emotions . I am now in the process of applying to more graduate programs whose deadlines have been extended and others who simply have later deadlines for a Fall start . I discovered the LPCC Masters of Science program in Early Childhood Mental Health . I hadn 't looked into it before , but the university which did not accept me for the MFT program said they could transfer my application to that department . I accepted . Ironically , my therapist teaches in that program as part of the faculty . If I get accepted into the program I will not be able to see him for therapy because dual relationships are not allowed . And if I go to see him for office hours as my professor our conversation must be limited to class material . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . On the one hand , I do not like the idea of not seeing him for therapy . My idea is that I will always see him , for the rest of my life . On the other hand , the idea of him becoming my professional mentor is quite appealing . When I am in need of supervision during my practicum and internship , he might be available to guide me . Maybe it is time to graduate from his service as my psychotherapist . I would want to continue psychotherapy , and he does know colleagues to whom he would recommend me . However , the new therapist would know nothing about my past . I might not be able to be fully myself and fully open with her ( yes , I am assuming it will be a female whom I would choose ) . I am often childlike in my expressions of joy , anger , and disappointment , and I might force myself to act in a more reserved and mature fashion . It doesn 't mean that I have to be less emotionally expressive . Either way , I think my therapist is proud of me and will continue to be proud of me no matter what I choose to do . I can imagine my therapist teaching me about reflective practice , and guiding me to follow the beliefs and method and theory of psychotherapy toward which he leans . If I had to put my finger on a theoretical orientation which I might ascribe to him , it would have to be eclectic and nonspecific . Attachment work is a large part of our therapy together . He incorporates therapeutic techniques and interventions which he has refined and developed over the last 20 plus years . Whatever he does , it has worked . He always seems to know the right way to respond to me , and say the right thing . I always feel better after seeing him . I want to give this gift of calming peace and safety to other people . |
He didn 't look like he believed me . He looked up at Casey like a mouse looks at a snake . Which , to be fair , was appropriate , since she was looking at him like a snake looks at a mouse . " So what word won 't you say ? " I asked , as I picked up his suitcase and emptied it on the bed , and started poking through the contents . He didn 't answer , maybe because he had just promised not to talk . I found what I was looking for , hidden in the middle of a bundle of handkerchiefs . Two letters , a little rumpled . One for Miss Clarice and one for Madame Olenka . Addressed and in French . I held them up . " Clarice isn 't French . Olenka isn 't Russian . The letters are from the guy who teaches people to speak French and act like royalty . They 're fakes . " " I agree , " said the piano man . " In regular show business , nobody 's who they say they are . It 's part of the act . But opera , that 's almost society . The Great Henri is not interested in hicks who can sing . " " I don 't know . I really don 't , " said the piano man , nearly breaking into sobs . " I only left them a couple notes in their music , telling them to leave money on the piano . I didn 't even sign it . I didn 't know they knew it was me . " " I found them in Clarice 's dressing room . The teacher gave them both to her . That letter to Olenka is a letter of introduction for Clarice , asking for a job for her . I don 't think she ever used it . She just kept it to blackmail Olenka . " " Yeah , " I agreed . Most likely it was Clarice . But I was thinking on all that confusion in the opera house . All those people running around , it was quite a trick to hide Rufus and stab him and not be seen . I stopped . " Or maybe both of them . " She stalked off down the stairs . I followed real quick , wondering if it was time to apologise , but she ducked past me before I could . Just then Mr . Henri came back from talking to the sheriff . He looked tired and distracted , but Casey jumped into his way . " Bien sûr , " he said . " I have some talent , madame . But if you will excuse , I must rest . The sheriff is a difficult man . I am all of a frazzle . " Casey glowered at him as he trotted up the stairs . She grumbled something , but I wasn 't really listening . All of a sudden , I had an idea floating in my head , but I couldn 't quite grab on to it . " Maybe he didn 't know . He didn 't sign the notes he left around for the ladies . So maybe he didn 't put their names at the top either . Maybe Henri found one and thought it was for him . " Well , we caught Henri before he killed the piano man . He had talked his way in and nearly stuck a letter opener in the guy . And after Case took that letter open and started trimming Henri 's mustache with it - - which must have hurt on account of it not being sharp , so most of those hairs were being pulled out by the root - - we got a full and tearful confession . It was evening by the time we had got him to jail and everything sorted out with the sheriff . Casey slipped off somewhere . I knew that if she didn 't want to be found , I wasn 't going to find her , but I went looking anyway . I figured it was time for me to apologize , even if she didn 't want to hear it . I 'd rather have her pissed off than ducking me . She was standing in the shadow of the curtains , her hands in her back pockets , looking at me from under her hat . She kept glancing down , and her face was kind of pink . I almost asked her if she had put some rouge on it , because her lips were a little more red than usual too , but I decided to keep my mouth shut . She was working herself up to something . So I stood there with my hands in my back pockets , looking just as uncertain , but probably not as pink . Finally she sidled up closer , her arm just against mine . She didn 't look up , and she still had trouble coming up with what she wanted to say . So finally I talked . " I love you , " she said , flat , like how you 'd tell somebody they had a spot on their shirt . It wasn 't something she said very often . I would almost go as far as saying she never said it , but it wouldn 't quite be true . She just had a real hard time with it . I smiled at her . " Sure , " I said . It turned out to be the right answer . And it was particularly good because it was true . I like Casey any way she comes . But I kinda like that she doesn 't know that , even if it does get me into trouble sometimes . I straightened up , took her by the shoulders and showed her just exactly what I had learned about kissing from that pretend French woman . I think she liked it . She didn 't punch me again , anyway . " You still want to hear them sing ? " I said . " Sure they will . " I pulled out the two letters from my pocket . " They don 't want me sending these letters to that opera company in Chicago . " I didn 't tell her that I had also told Clarice that she didn 't have to sing , if she didn 't want to , since Olenka had promised to give us the best singing anybody had ever heard . It wasn 't true , but it was enough to get Clarice to declare she was going to be the star of the concert . And when Olenka heard that , she wasn 't going to let anybody out do her . So , in the end , we got ourselves a fine concert , with two ladies singing their hearts out . The most beautiful thing I ever heard , other than Casey saying " I love you . " Even so , I suppose it wasn 't really opera . Not a whole opera . One day we 're going to hear that . I supposed there were a dozen ways I could be wrong . Maybe , when the piano man had tried to leave , he 'd flipped that backward lock around wrong and then I 'd flipped it back wrong , and so the door hadn 't locked . Or maybe that " partner " the sheriff was looking for had been hiding in the closet too , before I locked the door , and he only went out later , after he stabbed Rufus . " Case ! " I called again . " Where was Rufus standing ? " I pointed to a spot at the middle of the balcony . " Right about there , wasn 't he ? " I nodded and looked back at the stage . I tried to picture where folks were when we had first walked in . They had all be standing still , and then they all moved just before the shot . " He didn 't like moving targets , " I called back to Casey , as I jumped up on the stage . I went and stood where Clarise had been . Casey pointed her finger at me like it was a gun . She looked awful serious about that aim , and I was reminded that I was in trouble with her . I kinda hoped she was imagining that she was aiming at Clarise , rather than me . Casey 's finger didn 't follow me so well . She was resting her hand on the railing - - as Rufus might have done , he not being a steady shot . He was also a fellow who liked to take his time in aiming . Casey shrugged and scowled - - that shot didn 't feel right . Mr . Henri had been sitting in a chair on the floor , and had got up and moved forward . He would have been at the same angle from Rufus the whole time . I did as he had done . Casey kinda frowned over that one . " Maybe , " she said . " But you 're taller than he is . And he would have had to aim down a lot more to hit him when he was sitting . " All the same , Henri made the most sense . The ladies were competing hard over him . If one of them thought that he liked the other one better , she just might want to kill him . . . . But there had been one more person on that stage . The one who had looked up and seen it coming . The only one to move away from the shot , when he ducked . I went over to the piano , and put my finger on the hole in the wood . Casey squinted and aimed her finger at it . I sat down on the bench like I was playing the piano and I turned around , and saw Casey aiming right at me . " Why ? " she said . " Not sure , " I admitted . " He don 't seem to care much for any of them , and they don 't pay him any mind at all . But he was nervous all right , and so he probably knows why . And maybe who . Don 't know why he didn 't say anything , though . " " Case , " I said . " If somebody 's out to kill him , this would be the best time to do it . The sheriff 's looking for somebody else . And nobody 's looking for one of them being the killer . " We ran out of that opera house in a flying tumble , hoping we weren 't too late . by Camille LaGuire The blood did not belong to any of the opera folk . They all popped out to see what was going on as soon as Miss Clarice screamed . The sheriff had Casey round them all up and keep them up front . Meantime , the sheriff and a deputy tried to get the door open . As nobody was complaining from the other side , I figured there wasn 't that much of a hurry , but my opinion wasn 't wanted . They eventually sent for the opera house manager , who came huffing in a little bit later , apologizing because he hadn 't been able to find his keys , and had to dig out another set . The sheriff elbowed me , like I should stay out of it . The manager looked alarmed and then looked down at the blood on the floor and looked more alarmed . The sheriff took his keys and unlocked the door of the closet . Inside the closet was old Ring - neck Rufus . Dead as dirt . Somebody had shoved a knife up under his breastbone and into his heart . He must have gone fast , but he still bled out pretty good . This time it was the manager who nearly fainted . I hauled him around the curtain to the stage , where the opera folks were waiting with Casey . I noticed that they were all sitting still for her . Maybe it was the sight of blood , but I thought it was more the look of blood in her eye . " Don 't want to hear it ! " snapped the sheriff . So I shut my mouth and he went on . " Rufus wouldn 't do something like that on his own . Somebody must have hired him . And I expect when Rufus ran , he met up with his fellow and maybe told him how he 'd screwed up . That might have been enough motive right there , but this partner also would have been worried that Rufus would talk once he was caught . " " Anyway , " he continued . " This partner had to get rid of Rufus , so he brought him back in here and knifed him and shoved him in the closet . And slipped back out into the alley . " " And what about her ? " added Madame Olenka with a glance at Clarice . " She threw herself at that man with the angry wife , did she not ? " I glanced at Casey , and I could see she was fingering her knife , but I couldn 't tell if she was looking at him or me . No , she was looking at Clarice . But the sheriff told Mr . Henri he wanted to know more about the this fellow he 'd made jealous , and he sent all the other opera folk back to their hotel . Casey went off to the balcony to be by herself . She did that when she felt bad , which made me feel extra bad . But I couldn 't help but feel I did not deserve quite as much disgust as I was getting - - well , maybe I did from her , but not from the sheriff . I had locked that door . And it wasn 't the kind of bolt you could unlock with a key . Only someone on the inside could have unlocked it . I remembered how the piano man had tried to leave , and I wondered for minute if he had got messed up by the backward lock and had managed to lock it rather than unlock , and I was distracted enough , maybe then I flipped it back , thinking I was locking it when I really unlocked it . " Like the sheriff said : He ran to his partner for help . And that partner was somebody in this building . It was one of the opera folks themselves . " " Clarice leaves threats for me sometimes , " said the lady in a low , confidential voice . " She has a letter of mine . It is from a man other than Henri . This man loves me , and Henri would not understand . . . . Do you read French ? " I thought about that . I wasn 't sure we were getting the straight story , but it sounded interesting . I looked at Casey . She gave me a little shrug without looking at me , so she was still mad , but she didn 't object . Maybe she wanted to get back at Clarice . " We 'll do it , " I said . " . . . but not for twenty dollars . " Casey straightened up a little . Yep , that 's what she wanted . I turned to Olenka and , and damned if that woman wasn 't looking sour , like singing was the last thing in the world she wanted to do . " Why not ? " I said . She shrugged and turned back to her mirror and started playing with her powderpuff and combs and things . Because of the mirror , though , she really couldn 't avoid looking at me . " We ain 't good enough ? " said Casey . She uncrossed her arms , and stood like she was about to draw . The lady narrowed her eyes , and made a little shrug . Casey was already out the door , and I found her in the hall , staring hard at the door of Miss Clarice 's dressing room . As I came up to her , she twisted around slow and looked at me with the scariest look on her face I ever saw . I nearly took a step back . I did not like this plan . But Casey didn 't leave me any time to come up with a better one . She reached out and knocked lightly on the door . " Entrez ! " came the voice of Miss Clarice . Casey reached over and pulled the door open while staying behind it , out of sight . I didn 't have any choice but to step into the room . I thought quick and decided furtive was the way to go . I put a finger to my lips and hunched down . Miss Clarice took a quick glance behind me , didn 't see anybody , and gave me a mischievous smile . I pointed toward Madame Olenka 's dressing room , and Clarice smiled slyly . I backed out of the room , looked both ways like I was watching out for trouble . Trouble , as it happened , was well - concealed behind the door where she wouldn 't be seen . Miss Clarice followed me out , and I hustled her around the corner into the little hall that led to the back door . It was a narrow space , and Clarice smiled , and reached up to caress my chest . In that moment I changed my mind on how I was going to handle it . I shoved her away , down the hall where she was trapped . Her face turned pink enough to match her rouge . " But it was locked , " I said . It was only then that I realized I should have asked Casey how she had got into the building , seeing as the doors were both bolted from the inside . I had thrown those bolts myself . " It ain 't locked , " he said , pointing back to the door . " And Rufus must have come back in this way . It 's the only place he coulda gone . " " You make sure those opera folk are all safe , " he called back to me . " I 'm going search this place again and - - " He stopped , so sudden Clarice and I ran into the back of him . He was looking down at the floor , and I looked down too . It 's easy to forget that underneath the big hat , and the pair of sixguns and the big boots and spurs and sometimes bandaleros and chaps and the tough talk and all , there 's a girl . I forget sometimes that she 's even younger than I am , because she doesn 't seem so , and she 's a lot more shy than she lets on . She 's a little gal in a big man 's world , and she somehow manages to be tough when she isn 't big or strong . I had let her down . I felt like a rat . I was mad at myself , and I was mad at Clarice - - especially when I thought that she must have seen Casey coming up , and she pushed it anyway . She was stomping on Casey 's territory on purpose . " No , " she said , and she snapped it so hard I knew I wasn 't the only one who let her down . " Sheriff 's still looking . He 's got some deputies , so he didn 't need - - " " Shit ! " said Casey , and she kicked at the curtain . It just fluffed around and caught on her spur . She hopped there , cursing even worse , trying to get it unhooked . I started to help , but she shoved me away . " It ain 't a bad reason , " I said . I explained how Clarice wouldn 't sing because she thought Madame Olenka was trying to kill her , while Casey tried to get her spur loose . She couldn 't because she had managed to kick up so high she couldn 't raise her foot any to get unhooked . I finally scooped her up , and she kicked loose , and I put her back down again . " Maybe the other one will sing , " she said , still not looking at me . She punched the curtain aside and headed backstage again . . " Or if she 's really trying to kill the other one , maybe we can hog - tie her and then Little Red Lips will sing . " She was a beautiful woman too . Older and a good bit heftier , but all woman , if you know what I mean . But she wasn 't interested in me , which was a good thing . " It is sabotage ! " said the lady . She gestured with her powderpuff , and the room not being very big , I wound up with a splat of powder on my chest . " Do you know what that is ? " " In Europe , if you want to stop a factory , you drop a sabot - - a wooden shoe - - in the machine . And it stops . She is dropping a shoe on me . " " Ha ! She would like you to believe that . She would love for Henri to believe that . " She turned to Casey . " Men are such fools . No one is trying to kill anyone . She hired that man herself . " " Of course , Henri attempts to cultivate her . One day I will stop singing . But she refuses to learn . She wishes to be the prima donna , to shine above all . And to have Henri , but Henri is not interested in someone so trivial . So she attacks me , and pretends to suffer . She hires this man to shoot at her . " I 'm Changing The Blog . I have no idea if I 'm going to do this for a month , or through the end of summer , or for the whole year . It probably won 't be beyond that , though . Call it a sideways hiatus : That 's it . The announcements and story notes will not be on a schedule - - they 'll just appear when I have something to say . The fiction will continue on Mondays and Thursdays . I have drafts of many wonderful posts for you . They are going into a drawer until they get the perspective they need . I will undoubtedly add more drafts to the pile . I finally have the chance to focus . Before I retired , I didn 't have a Chance In Hell of achieving the focus I aimed for . Since my retirement was , uh , a surprise for me , I had to take time to get past a lot of life - related distractions . Now for the past few months I 've been cutting down on the number of things I do , bringing myself down to the focus point . by Camille LaGuire The piano player stood off by his piano and clutched a folder of music sheets to his chest . He was staring at the piano . There was a hole in it . When I went over to him , he told me his name was Dick , but he didn 't want to talk . He wanted to leave . I didn 't blame him but I wanted to persuade him to stay and play piano for the concert . " Your wife ! " he exclaimed , and for a minute he didn 't seem to know what to say . But he recovered fast . " Ladies are so magnificent , are they not ? " " That one is , " I agreed . " And don 't you worry about that gunman . I know him . He 's dumb as a bag of hammers , and snivelly to boot . My magnificent wife has probably caught him by now . " " I don 't know , " I said , looking up at the balcony where he had been . " He 's too stupid to be crazy . He had to think there was money in it . Can you think of anybody who would pay him to give you folks trouble ? " Henri was lost in his thoughts . He frowned back at the dressing rooms again . " I should speak to Olenka , " he said . " She will be upset that I reassured only Clarice . " He disappeared behind the curtain again and I called after him : " You tell them it 's all right ! It 'll be safe to sing tonight . We 'll see to it ! " Dick the piano guy reached over and hit a key on the piano . It made a funny scraping thunk sound . Must have been the wires that got hit by the bullet . " Ma ' am , " I said , tipping my hat . " I just wanted you to know that you don 't have to worry about a thing . We 're gonna catch him - - " " I am very frightened , " she said , and she shrank back a little . I naturally stepped forward and put a hand out to reassure her . She grabbed my hand with both of hers . " I cannot sing with people shooting at me . I would die . " " Her ! " she said , and she pointed toward the next room , thrusting her chest out in a way that I couldn 't help but appreciate . " She does not want me to sing . Her voice , it is old and turning like a frog . " Madame Olenka 's voice had not sounded all that bad to me . What little I 'd heard sounded better than Clarice , actually . But I didn 't say so . " She knows that Henri favors me , " she added , and that made some sense . Clarice was younger , and though she was a bit skinny , she was awful pretty . Awful pretty . She came up closer and put a hand on my chest , looking up at me with those big eyes . My heart started thumping , but it didn 't seem like any of that blood was going to my head . I blinked at her . " Uh . . . uh , yes , ma ' am . They do . " She smelled like flowers . She put her other hand on my ribs , and began to slide it , ever so softly , around and down . . . . Then she kissed me . They say that French people really know how to kiss , and she sure seemed to know . She was a comfortable armful , but I was trying not to put my arms around her , just like I was trying to remember what it was I had meant to say . I didn 't succeed at all at the first , but I eventually managed the second as she slipped back and away from me . I didn 't do the posts I wanted to do last week , and I might not do as much as I want this week . The serial , with Mick and Casey and the Divas , will continue without interruption . And you 'll see the next Miss Leech cartoon ( though the art may be rougher than it has been . ) I have no problem with creative work . I am having a problem with blogging - - I 've got lots of things I want to say , but my mind seems to be processing too much . Which is odd , except . . . well . . . here 's what poured out of my head when I just sat down and opened a vein : I 've really had it with brats . The writing culture has always had it 's share of them . The internet attracts them like flies to a festering wound . But right now I 'm feeling really unusually intolerant of bratty behavior . I can 't even abide behavior that really is only moderate on the scale of brattiness - - things I 've even done myself at times . This is a sign of a very full gorge . My reaction is out of proportion . Meanwhile , I find myself replaying an old day dream that I used to use to relieve stress about ten years ago . I don 't feel stressed , but I get an unusual amount of pleasure out of it even though it 's not a particularly interesting day dream . I haven 't even been been adding new details to it to make it creative or new . It just keeps playing for no reason whatsoever , occupying more of my time than it should . It 's like eating potato chips . I just keep dipping in again and again . . . . They were incredibly destructive , but also incredibly incompetent . ( They would do things like hold required meetings in non - handicapper accessable buildings in hopes of punishing handicapped colleagues for non - attendance . Then they 'd get their asses handed to them by HR . ) But even though they were thwarted at every turn , they were freaking persistent , and it took the rest of us every ounce of effort 24 / 7 to fend them off and keep the ship afloat . They liked to pick victims ; single out folks they thought were the weak links ( like people with disabilities ) . And I was a part - timer . Furthermore , I was a part - timer in a position to feed all sorts of info to my colleagues . So yeah , I had a target on my back , and I was made the center of a lot of stress . But they were incredibly stupid , and I was not actually easy pickings . Most of the time it was like a Tex Avery cartoon . I was Droopy or Chilly Willy , footling along and minding my own business and then I 'd sidestep the anvil they tried to drop on me , which would bounce and land on their heads . But it was a constant barrage of petty hostility . Hostility will always raise your stress level , no matter how unflappable you are , or how petty it is . Malice is an ugly emotion . And if you get fed enough of it , you start to feel it in return . ( We started " counting coup " that year . We had handprint stickers to mark victories . ) Well , eventually , our diligence in holding off the ravening horde of brats paid off . One by one , they were " moved along " as they got caught in one of their own traps , or higher ups just got tired of dealing with problem after problem . Eventually the top brat got " reorganized " . . . . And peace ruled the land ( more or less , kinda sorta - - we still had to deal with the more ordinary level of institutional idiocy ) . And I myself was rewarded with a new and magnificently sensible boss . It took a while to sort out the emotional baggage from this . Unpack it , acknowledge it , toss it out . I think a couple of my colleagues are still struggling to get over the stress , but for the most part , life got better , and we have moved past the stage where we told jokes and stories about it , and into a new stage of life . Onward to new struggles . Leaving me with a complete intolerance for brats , and a weird and boring stress relief fantasy playing in my head like elevator music . Why am I telling you this ? What has this to do with anything ? I think what 's going on is that I am growing impatient with baggage . Not just the stuff that reminds me of those hard times , but any baggage . Life is short . I used to tell myself and others " These people aren 't paying rent on our heads . Evict ' em . " Right now , I 'm evicting a lot of things from my life - - things that aren 't toxic , but I don 't need them . Sorting out the junk , rethinking what I really want , and I think that resonated with the old feelings . That 's what brought the baggage out . So it 's slowed down my writing . It 's interfered with my blogging . But it 's all good . Those deadlines ? They 're baggage too , or at least the feeling of duty is . In the midst of that troubled time at work , Robert Altman made a movie of the radio show A Prairie Home Companion . That radio show is one of the things that held me together back then . That 's a part of where I learned that whole unflappable Tex Avery cartoon hero thing . ( Also , Garrison Keillor 's voice will relax you better than a prescription tranquilizer . ) And here is a song that expresses the opposite feeling . It 's about a life that has been stripped of the things you don 't even want , when the birds sing with angel tongues and small stones in the driveway are like diamonds . Simplicity . In the movie , this song took the place of " The News From Lake Woebegone . " One of the most peaceful things I 've ever heard : Slow Days of Summer It didn 't matter , I knew who it was . Ring - Neck Rufus was a scrawny outlaw who could be paid to do anything , but wasn 't much good at anything he was paid to do . And I had just seen him counting money out front . He had the gun in his hand and he was looking wild , but he had just enough brain to not shoot Casey . He probably saw that if he shot her , he 'd have me after him for the rest of his life . And if he didn 't kill her , she 'd be after him . He went for the window at the end of the balcony . Casey followed , and I ran out front . As I cleared the doors , I could see the sheriff coming out of his office . He must have heard the shot , because he had his gun drawn . I whistled to him , and ran to the corner of the building . Rufus wasn 't in the lane beside the opera house . I looked up and saw Casey was struggling to pull herself through the window . The sash was stuck and didn 't open high enough . She ain 't that big , but she 's got hips , and guns on each of them . There was no Rufus in the alley , but plenty of places to hide . Piles of boxes and barrels behind the stores , and an open carriage house and a corral further on . " What happened ? " said the Sheriff , as he and Case caught up with me . I went in the back door and threw the bolt to make sure Rufus didn 't come back in behind me . I was in a narrow corridor that ran up to another little corridor behind the stage . There were curtains and a fake wall , and I could hear the folks on stage talking on the other side of it . " I am dead ! " called one of the ladies . I peeked through the curtain and saw the younger one - - the one who fell down - - gesturing and moving around . It was pretty clear she was not dead or anything close to it . They were all facing each other , talking , so I figured Rufus hadn 't gone back out there . I checked around backstage . There were three or four little closets , but only two were unlocked . He wasn 't in there . The fellow with the moustache appeared . He was holding out a glass of water to the young lady , and she refused it with a wave of the hand and turned around again . Which is when she ran almost flat into me . She screamed and back - pedaled into the man with the mustache . Then he saw me and he screamed too . They both went scrambling back to the stage . They didn 't hold on . As I came out on the stage , holding my hands up to show I wasn 't there to shoot at them , they went running in all directions . The only one who stood her ground was the older woman , who took the glass from the mustache man 's hand and threw it in my face . The mustache man and the young woman stopped and glanced at each other . They started sidling back , but the piano man had slipped over to the curtains and was gone . If he meant to run out the back , he 'd unlock the door as he went . " We ain 't caught him yet , sir ! " I called and I chased after . I caught him at the door , just as he threw the latch . I threw it back into place . " You want to stay right here . " I hauled him back to the stage , only to see the older lady sailing off toward the front of the house like she was going to leave that way . I ran to cut her off . She turned on me and snapped her fan like she she might take my head off with it . " Where 'd they go ? " I asked . " Dressing rooms , " said the piano player pointing backstage . " She says she can 't sing in a place like this - - " I caught up with her just as she went into one of the little closets and slammed the door behind her . I heard her throw the latch , and I figured at least she was safe . I could hear the other two talking behind one of the other doors . I said on Sunday that I would have a post today on " Character Structure " which is a really cool way to look at stories . I had it 2 / 3 written . But I just found I couldn 't get over the hump tonight to finish it . I told myself not to commit to particular blog posts in my Sunday preview any more , but did I listen ? No . Part of the reason is because I came across the ebook version of a text book from college which is kind of the foundation of the article , and I thought I should re - read it . But mostly , my brain just crashed . This may be partly because I am in fiction - mode , but mostly because the dry air of winter has been hell on my sinuses and I have not been getting good sleep lately . Here is the very worst part of all this : I have a bunch of great blog posts lined up for you which are also in this same state : mostly done , and I want to get to them all now . I think what I really need is to rest up and push through all of them at once . My brain likes to splurge that way . So I 'm putting the Character Structure post off until Friday at least . ( And the promised post on the Death and Rebirth of Reading to some unknown point in the future . ) But right now , I 'm going to read . It 's eBook Week at Smashwords . This sale runs from March 3 - 9 . and uses coupon codes . The codes appear on the book pages , but I have also included them below . The Case of the Misplaced Hero . This the first of the summer serials . An old - timey serial adventure about a young man and his drunken college professor , transported to a world inspired by silent movies . In April we 'll see the sequel . . . well PREquel to this as we flash back to how another character came into this story . Have Gun , Will Play - The first Mick and Casey mystery / western novel about a pair of young gunslinger detectives in the old west . I sometimes describe this as a cozy mystery with gunfights , and gunslingers playing with dolls . ( The current serial is a Mick and Casey story . ) What do these three books have in common ? They all combine humor with adventure , and I just realized . . . they all involve kidnappings . ( And murders ! ) There 's also a kidnapping in Harsh Climate . And I guess technically , there is an off - screen hostage taking in Misplaced Hero . Holy Mazoli , I guess I have a thing for kidnappings . ( Well it IS a perennial theme for the light crime story . ) However , some of the kidnappings involved are FAUX kidnappings . You 'll have to read them all to find out which ones . The original cover for Harsh Climate was nice , but it looked like a serious thriller and I thought it was misleading . In the mean time , I did a mock up of a cover for another screenplay I am going to adapt to a novella - - another stand alone crime comedy . I decided to redo Harsh Climate to match that . I had a much cooler vision of that cover for HC , but it was in lines , not shapes , and I found that I couldn 't make it work and have the title and name readable . So this is a compromise until I figure out how to do what I wanted . ( I admit , this is close . ) For Anna , I just wanted to get rid of the dorky font , and maybe push the color to closer to my " house " color of a blue with a touch of green . ( Not as green as the crime covers above , but closer to the blue in Wife of Freedom or Misplaced Hero - - still too purple now , but it is lighter and easier to read . ) I did not achieve what I wanted . I achieved what I consider to be a " concept " cover . I need to do the typography by hand , I think , and not leave it to effects . I have not uploaded the new cover of Anna to Smashwords ( because doing anything at Smashwords is a pain in the patoot ) , but I decided to put this interim cover up at Amazon to see how it looks . We pulled up in front of the sheriff 's office . I jumped off my horse , but Casey stayed on hers , poking Bad Brachit with her rifle to make sure he didn 't get any ideas . Not that he had too many ideas left . " Hey , Mick , " said the sheriff in greeting . He paused to touch his brim at Casey , and looked at the outlaw . " What happened to his hat ? " Brachit 's hat was pretty tattered . The brim , which had been wide , was mostly gone , and what remained was all shot up . So was the crown . What he had left amounted to a headband . " He pissed Casey off , " I said . Casey was a sharp - shooter . She had to be , in our line of work . She was too small and too , well , female to impress people on first sight . So she got their attention in other ways . I turned toward Casey , but she wasn 't looking at Brachit any more . She was looking down the street . She twisted back to look at me , her eyes suddenly wide , and looking more like the seventeen year old girl she was . Casey reined her horse around and went over to check it out . I went in quick and finished up our business with the sheriff . Brachit was only worth a hundred and fifty dollars , but that wasn 't bad . It was plenty to pay off some debts , get ourselves cleaned up and go see whatever was playing . I really wasn 't paying much attention as I headed out from the law office . I was counting our money and thinking about music , and I nearly ran into a fella who was also counting some money . Before I looked up , he had already dashed across the road , behind a moving wagon piled high with barrels . By the time it passed , he was gone , and all I saw was the opera house , and Casey . Tonight Only , said the poster . Madame Olenka Voshnovia , toast of Paris and London , and late of New York , Boston and Chicago , will perform various selections of grand opera for the delight and education of the audience . Mademoiselle Clarice de Moncerf will be featured in duet and solo . . . . It went on like those kinds of posters do , but Casey 's eyes were on those words , grand opera . She grinned at me . I grinned back . See , when Casey 's pa found out she had married me , he expressed the concern that she would never see the inside of an opera house . The way he 'd said it made it sound like a real loss , and that it was my fault . It really wasn 't , because Casey was considerably less civilized at the time than she is even now , and he was just a poor dirt farmer , and I doubt if she 'd have seen much opera anyway . But it was a concern of his , so we took it as a concern of ours . Since then we had seen the inside of every opera house between here and Kansas City . Every one . And not an opera in the bunch . Plenty of lectures , revival meetings , melodramas . Heard some nice music too , but never an opera . As we stood there gawping at that poster , we could hear somebody inside playing the piano . You couldn 't hear it too well , but then there was another sound , flitting up and down like water over rocks . At first I didn 't even recognize it . It sounded like a couple of instruments - - like a flute and a fiddle . Then I realized it was women 's voices . Just dancing all over the air . Casey pushed open the door , and we went in . Unfortunately , the music had already stopped , and now we could hear arguing . The arguing was musical , though , and not bad to listen to . We stood close to the doors , in the shadow of the narrow balcony overhead . The hall wasn 't that big , and we didn 't want them to notice us . The floor was bare , except for a single chair , right up front in the middle . A man with a curly moustache and a crystal - topped cane sat in it , while two ladies yelled at each other in French from either side of the little stage . He looked real pleased with himself and with them , and I wondered if the ladies were fighting over him . We got a clear view of what happened next . They were standing there yelling , and then they all moved at once . The Moustache got up and raised his hands like he was going to make peace . The younger of the women charged to the middle of the stage , waving a sheaf of music . The older woman stepped toward her and shouted " sabotage ! " and pointed at the younger woman . The younger woman wheeled around and threw her arms wide . I think she meant to yell at the other woman . And with an echoing boom , there was a gunshot from the balcony , right above us . A gout of black powder shot out into the air , and everybody stopped talking and looked up . The young woman screamed , and fell to the stage in an elegant heap . This past week we had a flash fiction story , " Flat Crossing " and some story notes about the writing of it . I also continued my theme of Anthony Hope by talking about browsing at Project Gutenberg and how I am a complete fangirl of The Prisoner of Zenda . And we had a joke about heavenly figures playing golf . This story is a favorite of mine , and an important part of the history of Mick and Casey , so I don 't know why I never completed the prose version of this story . Perhaps it was because it came at a time when I was really unhappy with where the mystery market was going and I had gone over to screenwriting and script analysis . Or maybe it was because it looked like it was going to be a little long for the market - - and I had some thoughts of making it longer , maybe even a novel . Whatever the reason , I never wrote it as fiction . The only complete version of this story is a short screenplay . Now , in those days , most settled towns had something they called an " opera house . " It was usually an actual house , or more like a small church , with a large main room where plays , recitals and lectures could take place . So even though it wasn 't exactly what Casey 's father had in mind , Mick and Casey have made a hobby of visiting opera houses whenever they find them . . . but they never have actually heard an opera or anything like it . Now , in A Fistful of Divas , they just might get their first chance to hear a pair of honest - to - goodness divas sing . . . if the ladies don 't get scared away by a hired gun shooting at them . Who hired him and why ? That has to be resolved before the fat lady will agree to sing . This is because there is something about an established series - - we get a picture of the characters in our heads . Illustrations tend to clash with it . While I have gotten a lot better at character illustration , I know I cannot match my picture of Mick and Casey . Plot structure isn 't the only place to find meaning in a story . Sometimes you can look at it the way you look at folk tales and dreams . Thursday : A Fistful of Divas , Episode 2 I own several copies of the book - - an early edition with the original Charles Dana Gibson illustrations , as well as more modern ones . Also , a copy of the sequel , Rupert of Hentzau ( with Gibson illustrations ) . The Classics Illustrated comic book . Of the movies I own the 1922 , 1937 and 1954 versions . Somewhere I think I have a VHS tape of the 1978 version with Peter Sellers . ( There were at least six Hollywood versions , three silent , three talkie . ) I also have a time travel military sf book called The Zenda Vendetta , in which time - travelling terrorists assassinate the hero and screw up the timeline , so time - travelling commandos have to go back and see the story happens as it is supposed to . The plot - - of a hero who must impersonate a kidnapped king - - has been used again and again : in movies like The Great Race , Moon Over Parador and Dave . It has been used many many times on television , including episodes of Dr . Who and Get Smart , to my memory . I even started to write a screenplay of my own , set in Frankenmuth , Michigan - - which has a yearly Bavarian festival and a world famous restaurant called . . . Zehnders . It was , of course , to be titled The Prisoner of Zehnders . ( Although I probably would have had to change all the names of places to keep from being sued . ) The 1937 movie version also features rather prominently in my mystery The Man Who Did Too Much . That version is second on my list of all time best movies ever . ( Right after Casablanca . ) But more than anything else it was wonderfully written . They preserved as much of the dialog of the book as possible , and the new material was clever and witty . They added a lot of humor , particularly into the romance - - allowing Rudolf to charm Flavia with absurdities and irreverence . And of course , the witty banter during the final sword fight is one of the classics of the screen . That last sword fight , by the way , is probably the major change from the book , and , imho , a necessary one : Rupert , the secondary villain , who is so charming and villainous that the steals the show in every version , just kind of runs amok at the end of the book . He is chaos personified , but he doesn 't provide final conflict for the hero . Rudolf has to fight off some minor characters , but he never faces off with Rupert . I expect they made that change in the very first stage version - - it was so obviously necessary . ( Anthony Hope , by the way , was closely involved in that first stage production . ) Interesting factoid : the 1937 movie version was so well loved that when they remade it in 1952 , they did their best to replicate it shot - for - shot . They had the 1937 version running on a Moviola on the set . Seriously . ( If they loved it so much , why remake it ? Because it wasn 't in color , and in those days , you didn 't do major re - releases of old movies anyway . ) When a story gets retold as much as this one has - - both faithfully and unfaithfully - - it takes on a mythic quality . ( Or perhaps it gets retold because it has a mythic quality . ) And mythic stories have an additional aspect , an additional lens , with which we can look at them and understand them . This story has something I call " character structure " which is kind of like plot structure , only different . I 've decided that probably deserves it 's own post , and it is more of a literary theory thing . . . so I 'll tell you more about that on Wednesday . In the meantime , if you haven 't read it or seen it before , you should get your hands on a copy of Zenda , book or movie . Some of the links lead to Amazon . com . If you follow them and buy something , I will get a small share of the proceeds . Every penny of that will go into my Summer of Writing Fund , which will allow me to take some time off in the summer and concentrate on writing . Or if you 'd rather support this site directly , you can make a donation via Paypal : |
He didn 't look like he believed me . He looked up at Casey like a mouse looks at a snake . Which , to be fair , was appropriate , since she was looking at him like a snake looks at a mouse . " So what word won 't you say ? " I asked , as I picked up his suitcase and emptied it on the bed , and started poking through the contents . He didn 't answer , maybe because he had just promised not to talk . I found what I was looking for , hidden in the middle of a bundle of handkerchiefs . Two letters , a little rumpled . One for Miss Clarice and one for Madame Olenka . Addressed and in French . I held them up . " Clarice isn 't French . Olenka isn 't Russian . The letters are from the guy who teaches people to speak French and act like royalty . They 're fakes . " " I agree , " said the piano man . " In regular show business , nobody 's who they say they are . It 's part of the act . But opera , that 's almost society . The Great Henri is not interested in hicks who can sing . " " I don 't know . I really don 't , " said the piano man , nearly breaking into sobs . " I only left them a couple notes in their music , telling them to leave money on the piano . I didn 't even sign it . I didn 't know they knew it was me . " " I found them in Clarice 's dressing room . The teacher gave them both to her . That letter to Olenka is a letter of introduction for Clarice , asking for a job for her . I don 't think she ever used it . She just kept it to blackmail Olenka . " " Yeah , " I agreed . Most likely it was Clarice . But I was thinking on all that confusion in the opera house . All those people running around , it was quite a trick to hide Rufus and stab him and not be seen . I stopped . " Or maybe both of them . " She stalked off down the stairs . I followed real quick , wondering if it was time to apologise , but she ducked past me before I could . Just then Mr . Henri came back from talking to the sheriff . He looked tired and distracted , but Casey jumped into his way . " Bien sûr , " he said . " I have some talent , madame . But if you will excuse , I must rest . The sheriff is a difficult man . I am all of a frazzle . " Casey glowered at him as he trotted up the stairs . She grumbled something , but I wasn 't really listening . All of a sudden , I had an idea floating in my head , but I couldn 't quite grab on to it . " Maybe he didn 't know . He didn 't sign the notes he left around for the ladies . So maybe he didn 't put their names at the top either . Maybe Henri found one and thought it was for him . " Well , we caught Henri before he killed the piano man . He had talked his way in and nearly stuck a letter opener in the guy . And after Case took that letter open and started trimming Henri 's mustache with it - - which must have hurt on account of it not being sharp , so most of those hairs were being pulled out by the root - - we got a full and tearful confession . It was evening by the time we had got him to jail and everything sorted out with the sheriff . Casey slipped off somewhere . I knew that if she didn 't want to be found , I wasn 't going to find her , but I went looking anyway . I figured it was time for me to apologize , even if she didn 't want to hear it . I 'd rather have her pissed off than ducking me . She was standing in the shadow of the curtains , her hands in her back pockets , looking at me from under her hat . She kept glancing down , and her face was kind of pink . I almost asked her if she had put some rouge on it , because her lips were a little more red than usual too , but I decided to keep my mouth shut . She was working herself up to something . So I stood there with my hands in my back pockets , looking just as uncertain , but probably not as pink . Finally she sidled up closer , her arm just against mine . She didn 't look up , and she still had trouble coming up with what she wanted to say . So finally I talked . " I love you , " she said , flat , like how you 'd tell somebody they had a spot on their shirt . It wasn 't something she said very often . I would almost go as far as saying she never said it , but it wouldn 't quite be true . She just had a real hard time with it . I smiled at her . " Sure , " I said . It turned out to be the right answer . And it was particularly good because it was true . I like Casey any way she comes . But I kinda like that she doesn 't know that , even if it does get me into trouble sometimes . I straightened up , took her by the shoulders and showed her just exactly what I had learned about kissing from that pretend French woman . I think she liked it . She didn 't punch me again , anyway . " You still want to hear them sing ? " I said . " Sure they will . " I pulled out the two letters from my pocket . " They don 't want me sending these letters to that opera company in Chicago . " I didn 't tell her that I had also told Clarice that she didn 't have to sing , if she didn 't want to , since Olenka had promised to give us the best singing anybody had ever heard . It wasn 't true , but it was enough to get Clarice to declare she was going to be the star of the concert . And when Olenka heard that , she wasn 't going to let anybody out do her . So , in the end , we got ourselves a fine concert , with two ladies singing their hearts out . The most beautiful thing I ever heard , other than Casey saying " I love you . " Even so , I suppose it wasn 't really opera . Not a whole opera . One day we 're going to hear that . I supposed there were a dozen ways I could be wrong . Maybe , when the piano man had tried to leave , he 'd flipped that backward lock around wrong and then I 'd flipped it back wrong , and so the door hadn 't locked . Or maybe that " partner " the sheriff was looking for had been hiding in the closet too , before I locked the door , and he only went out later , after he stabbed Rufus . " Case ! " I called again . " Where was Rufus standing ? " I pointed to a spot at the middle of the balcony . " Right about there , wasn 't he ? " I nodded and looked back at the stage . I tried to picture where folks were when we had first walked in . They had all be standing still , and then they all moved just before the shot . " He didn 't like moving targets , " I called back to Casey , as I jumped up on the stage . I went and stood where Clarise had been . Casey pointed her finger at me like it was a gun . She looked awful serious about that aim , and I was reminded that I was in trouble with her . I kinda hoped she was imagining that she was aiming at Clarise , rather than me . Casey 's finger didn 't follow me so well . She was resting her hand on the railing - - as Rufus might have done , he not being a steady shot . He was also a fellow who liked to take his time in aiming . Casey shrugged and scowled - - that shot didn 't feel right . Mr . Henri had been sitting in a chair on the floor , and had got up and moved forward . He would have been at the same angle from Rufus the whole time . I did as he had done . Casey kinda frowned over that one . " Maybe , " she said . " But you 're taller than he is . And he would have had to aim down a lot more to hit him when he was sitting . " All the same , Henri made the most sense . The ladies were competing hard over him . If one of them thought that he liked the other one better , she just might want to kill him . . . . But there had been one more person on that stage . The one who had looked up and seen it coming . The only one to move away from the shot , when he ducked . I went over to the piano , and put my finger on the hole in the wood . Casey squinted and aimed her finger at it . I sat down on the bench like I was playing the piano and I turned around , and saw Casey aiming right at me . " Why ? " she said . " Not sure , " I admitted . " He don 't seem to care much for any of them , and they don 't pay him any mind at all . But he was nervous all right , and so he probably knows why . And maybe who . Don 't know why he didn 't say anything , though . " " Case , " I said . " If somebody 's out to kill him , this would be the best time to do it . The sheriff 's looking for somebody else . And nobody 's looking for one of them being the killer . " We ran out of that opera house in a flying tumble , hoping we weren 't too late . by Camille LaGuire The blood did not belong to any of the opera folk . They all popped out to see what was going on as soon as Miss Clarice screamed . The sheriff had Casey round them all up and keep them up front . Meantime , the sheriff and a deputy tried to get the door open . As nobody was complaining from the other side , I figured there wasn 't that much of a hurry , but my opinion wasn 't wanted . They eventually sent for the opera house manager , who came huffing in a little bit later , apologizing because he hadn 't been able to find his keys , and had to dig out another set . The sheriff elbowed me , like I should stay out of it . The manager looked alarmed and then looked down at the blood on the floor and looked more alarmed . The sheriff took his keys and unlocked the door of the closet . Inside the closet was old Ring - neck Rufus . Dead as dirt . Somebody had shoved a knife up under his breastbone and into his heart . He must have gone fast , but he still bled out pretty good . This time it was the manager who nearly fainted . I hauled him around the curtain to the stage , where the opera folks were waiting with Casey . I noticed that they were all sitting still for her . Maybe it was the sight of blood , but I thought it was more the look of blood in her eye . " Don 't want to hear it ! " snapped the sheriff . So I shut my mouth and he went on . " Rufus wouldn 't do something like that on his own . Somebody must have hired him . And I expect when Rufus ran , he met up with his fellow and maybe told him how he 'd screwed up . That might have been enough motive right there , but this partner also would have been worried that Rufus would talk once he was caught . " " Anyway , " he continued . " This partner had to get rid of Rufus , so he brought him back in here and knifed him and shoved him in the closet . And slipped back out into the alley . " " And what about her ? " added Madame Olenka with a glance at Clarice . " She threw herself at that man with the angry wife , did she not ? " I glanced at Casey , and I could see she was fingering her knife , but I couldn 't tell if she was looking at him or me . No , she was looking at Clarice . But the sheriff told Mr . Henri he wanted to know more about the this fellow he 'd made jealous , and he sent all the other opera folk back to their hotel . Casey went off to the balcony to be by herself . She did that when she felt bad , which made me feel extra bad . But I couldn 't help but feel I did not deserve quite as much disgust as I was getting - - well , maybe I did from her , but not from the sheriff . I had locked that door . And it wasn 't the kind of bolt you could unlock with a key . Only someone on the inside could have unlocked it . I remembered how the piano man had tried to leave , and I wondered for minute if he had got messed up by the backward lock and had managed to lock it rather than unlock , and I was distracted enough , maybe then I flipped it back , thinking I was locking it when I really unlocked it . " Like the sheriff said : He ran to his partner for help . And that partner was somebody in this building . It was one of the opera folks themselves . " " Clarice leaves threats for me sometimes , " said the lady in a low , confidential voice . " She has a letter of mine . It is from a man other than Henri . This man loves me , and Henri would not understand . . . . Do you read French ? " I thought about that . I wasn 't sure we were getting the straight story , but it sounded interesting . I looked at Casey . She gave me a little shrug without looking at me , so she was still mad , but she didn 't object . Maybe she wanted to get back at Clarice . " We 'll do it , " I said . " . . . but not for twenty dollars . " Casey straightened up a little . Yep , that 's what she wanted . I turned to Olenka and , and damned if that woman wasn 't looking sour , like singing was the last thing in the world she wanted to do . " Why not ? " I said . She shrugged and turned back to her mirror and started playing with her powderpuff and combs and things . Because of the mirror , though , she really couldn 't avoid looking at me . " We ain 't good enough ? " said Casey . She uncrossed her arms , and stood like she was about to draw . The lady narrowed her eyes , and made a little shrug . Casey was already out the door , and I found her in the hall , staring hard at the door of Miss Clarice 's dressing room . As I came up to her , she twisted around slow and looked at me with the scariest look on her face I ever saw . I nearly took a step back . I did not like this plan . But Casey didn 't leave me any time to come up with a better one . She reached out and knocked lightly on the door . " Entrez ! " came the voice of Miss Clarice . Casey reached over and pulled the door open while staying behind it , out of sight . I didn 't have any choice but to step into the room . I thought quick and decided furtive was the way to go . I put a finger to my lips and hunched down . Miss Clarice took a quick glance behind me , didn 't see anybody , and gave me a mischievous smile . I pointed toward Madame Olenka 's dressing room , and Clarice smiled slyly . I backed out of the room , looked both ways like I was watching out for trouble . Trouble , as it happened , was well - concealed behind the door where she wouldn 't be seen . Miss Clarice followed me out , and I hustled her around the corner into the little hall that led to the back door . It was a narrow space , and Clarice smiled , and reached up to caress my chest . In that moment I changed my mind on how I was going to handle it . I shoved her away , down the hall where she was trapped . Her face turned pink enough to match her rouge . " But it was locked , " I said . It was only then that I realized I should have asked Casey how she had got into the building , seeing as the doors were both bolted from the inside . I had thrown those bolts myself . " It ain 't locked , " he said , pointing back to the door . " And Rufus must have come back in this way . It 's the only place he coulda gone . " " You make sure those opera folk are all safe , " he called back to me . " I 'm going search this place again and - - " He stopped , so sudden Clarice and I ran into the back of him . He was looking down at the floor , and I looked down too . It 's easy to forget that underneath the big hat , and the pair of sixguns and the big boots and spurs and sometimes bandaleros and chaps and the tough talk and all , there 's a girl . I forget sometimes that she 's even younger than I am , because she doesn 't seem so , and she 's a lot more shy than she lets on . She 's a little gal in a big man 's world , and she somehow manages to be tough when she isn 't big or strong . I had let her down . I felt like a rat . I was mad at myself , and I was mad at Clarice - - especially when I thought that she must have seen Casey coming up , and she pushed it anyway . She was stomping on Casey 's territory on purpose . " No , " she said , and she snapped it so hard I knew I wasn 't the only one who let her down . " Sheriff 's still looking . He 's got some deputies , so he didn 't need - - " " Shit ! " said Casey , and she kicked at the curtain . It just fluffed around and caught on her spur . She hopped there , cursing even worse , trying to get it unhooked . I started to help , but she shoved me away . " It ain 't a bad reason , " I said . I explained how Clarice wouldn 't sing because she thought Madame Olenka was trying to kill her , while Casey tried to get her spur loose . She couldn 't because she had managed to kick up so high she couldn 't raise her foot any to get unhooked . I finally scooped her up , and she kicked loose , and I put her back down again . " Maybe the other one will sing , " she said , still not looking at me . She punched the curtain aside and headed backstage again . . " Or if she 's really trying to kill the other one , maybe we can hog - tie her and then Little Red Lips will sing . " She was a beautiful woman too . Older and a good bit heftier , but all woman , if you know what I mean . But she wasn 't interested in me , which was a good thing . " It is sabotage ! " said the lady . She gestured with her powderpuff , and the room not being very big , I wound up with a splat of powder on my chest . " Do you know what that is ? " " In Europe , if you want to stop a factory , you drop a sabot - - a wooden shoe - - in the machine . And it stops . She is dropping a shoe on me . " " Ha ! She would like you to believe that . She would love for Henri to believe that . " She turned to Casey . " Men are such fools . No one is trying to kill anyone . She hired that man herself . " " Of course , Henri attempts to cultivate her . One day I will stop singing . But she refuses to learn . She wishes to be the prima donna , to shine above all . And to have Henri , but Henri is not interested in someone so trivial . So she attacks me , and pretends to suffer . She hires this man to shoot at her . " I 'm Changing The Blog . I have no idea if I 'm going to do this for a month , or through the end of summer , or for the whole year . It probably won 't be beyond that , though . Call it a sideways hiatus : That 's it . The announcements and story notes will not be on a schedule - - they 'll just appear when I have something to say . The fiction will continue on Mondays and Thursdays . I have drafts of many wonderful posts for you . They are going into a drawer until they get the perspective they need . I will undoubtedly add more drafts to the pile . I finally have the chance to focus . Before I retired , I didn 't have a Chance In Hell of achieving the focus I aimed for . Since my retirement was , uh , a surprise for me , I had to take time to get past a lot of life - related distractions . Now for the past few months I 've been cutting down on the number of things I do , bringing myself down to the focus point . by Camille LaGuire The piano player stood off by his piano and clutched a folder of music sheets to his chest . He was staring at the piano . There was a hole in it . When I went over to him , he told me his name was Dick , but he didn 't want to talk . He wanted to leave . I didn 't blame him but I wanted to persuade him to stay and play piano for the concert . " Your wife ! " he exclaimed , and for a minute he didn 't seem to know what to say . But he recovered fast . " Ladies are so magnificent , are they not ? " " That one is , " I agreed . " And don 't you worry about that gunman . I know him . He 's dumb as a bag of hammers , and snivelly to boot . My magnificent wife has probably caught him by now . " " I don 't know , " I said , looking up at the balcony where he had been . " He 's too stupid to be crazy . He had to think there was money in it . Can you think of anybody who would pay him to give you folks trouble ? " Henri was lost in his thoughts . He frowned back at the dressing rooms again . " I should speak to Olenka , " he said . " She will be upset that I reassured only Clarice . " He disappeared behind the curtain again and I called after him : " You tell them it 's all right ! It 'll be safe to sing tonight . We 'll see to it ! " Dick the piano guy reached over and hit a key on the piano . It made a funny scraping thunk sound . Must have been the wires that got hit by the bullet . " Ma ' am , " I said , tipping my hat . " I just wanted you to know that you don 't have to worry about a thing . We 're gonna catch him - - " " I am very frightened , " she said , and she shrank back a little . I naturally stepped forward and put a hand out to reassure her . She grabbed my hand with both of hers . " I cannot sing with people shooting at me . I would die . " " Her ! " she said , and she pointed toward the next room , thrusting her chest out in a way that I couldn 't help but appreciate . " She does not want me to sing . Her voice , it is old and turning like a frog . " Madame Olenka 's voice had not sounded all that bad to me . What little I 'd heard sounded better than Clarice , actually . But I didn 't say so . " She knows that Henri favors me , " she added , and that made some sense . Clarice was younger , and though she was a bit skinny , she was awful pretty . Awful pretty . She came up closer and put a hand on my chest , looking up at me with those big eyes . My heart started thumping , but it didn 't seem like any of that blood was going to my head . I blinked at her . " Uh . . . uh , yes , ma ' am . They do . " She smelled like flowers . She put her other hand on my ribs , and began to slide it , ever so softly , around and down . . . . Then she kissed me . They say that French people really know how to kiss , and she sure seemed to know . She was a comfortable armful , but I was trying not to put my arms around her , just like I was trying to remember what it was I had meant to say . I didn 't succeed at all at the first , but I eventually managed the second as she slipped back and away from me . I didn 't do the posts I wanted to do last week , and I might not do as much as I want this week . The serial , with Mick and Casey and the Divas , will continue without interruption . And you 'll see the next Miss Leech cartoon ( though the art may be rougher than it has been . ) I have no problem with creative work . I am having a problem with blogging - - I 've got lots of things I want to say , but my mind seems to be processing too much . Which is odd , except . . . well . . . here 's what poured out of my head when I just sat down and opened a vein : I 've really had it with brats . The writing culture has always had it 's share of them . The internet attracts them like flies to a festering wound . But right now I 'm feeling really unusually intolerant of bratty behavior . I can 't even abide behavior that really is only moderate on the scale of brattiness - - things I 've even done myself at times . This is a sign of a very full gorge . My reaction is out of proportion . Meanwhile , I find myself replaying an old day dream that I used to use to relieve stress about ten years ago . I don 't feel stressed , but I get an unusual amount of pleasure out of it even though it 's not a particularly interesting day dream . I haven 't even been been adding new details to it to make it creative or new . It just keeps playing for no reason whatsoever , occupying more of my time than it should . It 's like eating potato chips . I just keep dipping in again and again . . . . They were incredibly destructive , but also incredibly incompetent . ( They would do things like hold required meetings in non - handicapper accessable buildings in hopes of punishing handicapped colleagues for non - attendance . Then they 'd get their asses handed to them by HR . ) But even though they were thwarted at every turn , they were freaking persistent , and it took the rest of us every ounce of effort 24 / 7 to fend them off and keep the ship afloat . They liked to pick victims ; single out folks they thought were the weak links ( like people with disabilities ) . And I was a part - timer . Furthermore , I was a part - timer in a position to feed all sorts of info to my colleagues . So yeah , I had a target on my back , and I was made the center of a lot of stress . But they were incredibly stupid , and I was not actually easy pickings . Most of the time it was like a Tex Avery cartoon . I was Droopy or Chilly Willy , footling along and minding my own business and then I 'd sidestep the anvil they tried to drop on me , which would bounce and land on their heads . But it was a constant barrage of petty hostility . Hostility will always raise your stress level , no matter how unflappable you are , or how petty it is . Malice is an ugly emotion . And if you get fed enough of it , you start to feel it in return . ( We started " counting coup " that year . We had handprint stickers to mark victories . ) Well , eventually , our diligence in holding off the ravening horde of brats paid off . One by one , they were " moved along " as they got caught in one of their own traps , or higher ups just got tired of dealing with problem after problem . Eventually the top brat got " reorganized " . . . . And peace ruled the land ( more or less , kinda sorta - - we still had to deal with the more ordinary level of institutional idiocy ) . And I myself was rewarded with a new and magnificently sensible boss . It took a while to sort out the emotional baggage from this . Unpack it , acknowledge it , toss it out . I think a couple of my colleagues are still struggling to get over the stress , but for the most part , life got better , and we have moved past the stage where we told jokes and stories about it , and into a new stage of life . Onward to new struggles . Leaving me with a complete intolerance for brats , and a weird and boring stress relief fantasy playing in my head like elevator music . Why am I telling you this ? What has this to do with anything ? I think what 's going on is that I am growing impatient with baggage . Not just the stuff that reminds me of those hard times , but any baggage . Life is short . I used to tell myself and others " These people aren 't paying rent on our heads . Evict ' em . " Right now , I 'm evicting a lot of things from my life - - things that aren 't toxic , but I don 't need them . Sorting out the junk , rethinking what I really want , and I think that resonated with the old feelings . That 's what brought the baggage out . So it 's slowed down my writing . It 's interfered with my blogging . But it 's all good . Those deadlines ? They 're baggage too , or at least the feeling of duty is . In the midst of that troubled time at work , Robert Altman made a movie of the radio show A Prairie Home Companion . That radio show is one of the things that held me together back then . That 's a part of where I learned that whole unflappable Tex Avery cartoon hero thing . ( Also , Garrison Keillor 's voice will relax you better than a prescription tranquilizer . ) And here is a song that expresses the opposite feeling . It 's about a life that has been stripped of the things you don 't even want , when the birds sing with angel tongues and small stones in the driveway are like diamonds . Simplicity . In the movie , this song took the place of " The News From Lake Woebegone . " One of the most peaceful things I 've ever heard : Slow Days of Summer It didn 't matter , I knew who it was . Ring - Neck Rufus was a scrawny outlaw who could be paid to do anything , but wasn 't much good at anything he was paid to do . And I had just seen him counting money out front . He had the gun in his hand and he was looking wild , but he had just enough brain to not shoot Casey . He probably saw that if he shot her , he 'd have me after him for the rest of his life . And if he didn 't kill her , she 'd be after him . He went for the window at the end of the balcony . Casey followed , and I ran out front . As I cleared the doors , I could see the sheriff coming out of his office . He must have heard the shot , because he had his gun drawn . I whistled to him , and ran to the corner of the building . Rufus wasn 't in the lane beside the opera house . I looked up and saw Casey was struggling to pull herself through the window . The sash was stuck and didn 't open high enough . She ain 't that big , but she 's got hips , and guns on each of them . There was no Rufus in the alley , but plenty of places to hide . Piles of boxes and barrels behind the stores , and an open carriage house and a corral further on . " What happened ? " said the Sheriff , as he and Case caught up with me . I went in the back door and threw the bolt to make sure Rufus didn 't come back in behind me . I was in a narrow corridor that ran up to another little corridor behind the stage . There were curtains and a fake wall , and I could hear the folks on stage talking on the other side of it . " I am dead ! " called one of the ladies . I peeked through the curtain and saw the younger one - - the one who fell down - - gesturing and moving around . It was pretty clear she was not dead or anything close to it . They were all facing each other , talking , so I figured Rufus hadn 't gone back out there . I checked around backstage . There were three or four little closets , but only two were unlocked . He wasn 't in there . The fellow with the moustache appeared . He was holding out a glass of water to the young lady , and she refused it with a wave of the hand and turned around again . Which is when she ran almost flat into me . She screamed and back - pedaled into the man with the mustache . Then he saw me and he screamed too . They both went scrambling back to the stage . They didn 't hold on . As I came out on the stage , holding my hands up to show I wasn 't there to shoot at them , they went running in all directions . The only one who stood her ground was the older woman , who took the glass from the mustache man 's hand and threw it in my face . The mustache man and the young woman stopped and glanced at each other . They started sidling back , but the piano man had slipped over to the curtains and was gone . If he meant to run out the back , he 'd unlock the door as he went . " We ain 't caught him yet , sir ! " I called and I chased after . I caught him at the door , just as he threw the latch . I threw it back into place . " You want to stay right here . " I hauled him back to the stage , only to see the older lady sailing off toward the front of the house like she was going to leave that way . I ran to cut her off . She turned on me and snapped her fan like she she might take my head off with it . " Where 'd they go ? " I asked . " Dressing rooms , " said the piano player pointing backstage . " She says she can 't sing in a place like this - - " I caught up with her just as she went into one of the little closets and slammed the door behind her . I heard her throw the latch , and I figured at least she was safe . I could hear the other two talking behind one of the other doors . I said on Sunday that I would have a post today on " Character Structure " which is a really cool way to look at stories . I had it 2 / 3 written . But I just found I couldn 't get over the hump tonight to finish it . I told myself not to commit to particular blog posts in my Sunday preview any more , but did I listen ? No . Part of the reason is because I came across the ebook version of a text book from college which is kind of the foundation of the article , and I thought I should re - read it . But mostly , my brain just crashed . This may be partly because I am in fiction - mode , but mostly because the dry air of winter has been hell on my sinuses and I have not been getting good sleep lately . Here is the very worst part of all this : I have a bunch of great blog posts lined up for you which are also in this same state : mostly done , and I want to get to them all now . I think what I really need is to rest up and push through all of them at once . My brain likes to splurge that way . So I 'm putting the Character Structure post off until Friday at least . ( And the promised post on the Death and Rebirth of Reading to some unknown point in the future . ) But right now , I 'm going to read . It 's eBook Week at Smashwords . This sale runs from March 3 - 9 . and uses coupon codes . The codes appear on the book pages , but I have also included them below . The Case of the Misplaced Hero . This the first of the summer serials . An old - timey serial adventure about a young man and his drunken college professor , transported to a world inspired by silent movies . In April we 'll see the sequel . . . well PREquel to this as we flash back to how another character came into this story . Have Gun , Will Play - The first Mick and Casey mystery / western novel about a pair of young gunslinger detectives in the old west . I sometimes describe this as a cozy mystery with gunfights , and gunslingers playing with dolls . ( The current serial is a Mick and Casey story . ) What do these three books have in common ? They all combine humor with adventure , and I just realized . . . they all involve kidnappings . ( And murders ! ) There 's also a kidnapping in Harsh Climate . And I guess technically , there is an off - screen hostage taking in Misplaced Hero . Holy Mazoli , I guess I have a thing for kidnappings . ( Well it IS a perennial theme for the light crime story . ) However , some of the kidnappings involved are FAUX kidnappings . You 'll have to read them all to find out which ones . The original cover for Harsh Climate was nice , but it looked like a serious thriller and I thought it was misleading . In the mean time , I did a mock up of a cover for another screenplay I am going to adapt to a novella - - another stand alone crime comedy . I decided to redo Harsh Climate to match that . I had a much cooler vision of that cover for HC , but it was in lines , not shapes , and I found that I couldn 't make it work and have the title and name readable . So this is a compromise until I figure out how to do what I wanted . ( I admit , this is close . ) For Anna , I just wanted to get rid of the dorky font , and maybe push the color to closer to my " house " color of a blue with a touch of green . ( Not as green as the crime covers above , but closer to the blue in Wife of Freedom or Misplaced Hero - - still too purple now , but it is lighter and easier to read . ) I did not achieve what I wanted . I achieved what I consider to be a " concept " cover . I need to do the typography by hand , I think , and not leave it to effects . I have not uploaded the new cover of Anna to Smashwords ( because doing anything at Smashwords is a pain in the patoot ) , but I decided to put this interim cover up at Amazon to see how it looks . We pulled up in front of the sheriff 's office . I jumped off my horse , but Casey stayed on hers , poking Bad Brachit with her rifle to make sure he didn 't get any ideas . Not that he had too many ideas left . " Hey , Mick , " said the sheriff in greeting . He paused to touch his brim at Casey , and looked at the outlaw . " What happened to his hat ? " Brachit 's hat was pretty tattered . The brim , which had been wide , was mostly gone , and what remained was all shot up . So was the crown . What he had left amounted to a headband . " He pissed Casey off , " I said . Casey was a sharp - shooter . She had to be , in our line of work . She was too small and too , well , female to impress people on first sight . So she got their attention in other ways . I turned toward Casey , but she wasn 't looking at Brachit any more . She was looking down the street . She twisted back to look at me , her eyes suddenly wide , and looking more like the seventeen year old girl she was . Casey reined her horse around and went over to check it out . I went in quick and finished up our business with the sheriff . Brachit was only worth a hundred and fifty dollars , but that wasn 't bad . It was plenty to pay off some debts , get ourselves cleaned up and go see whatever was playing . I really wasn 't paying much attention as I headed out from the law office . I was counting our money and thinking about music , and I nearly ran into a fella who was also counting some money . Before I looked up , he had already dashed across the road , behind a moving wagon piled high with barrels . By the time it passed , he was gone , and all I saw was the opera house , and Casey . Tonight Only , said the poster . Madame Olenka Voshnovia , toast of Paris and London , and late of New York , Boston and Chicago , will perform various selections of grand opera for the delight and education of the audience . Mademoiselle Clarice de Moncerf will be featured in duet and solo . . . . It went on like those kinds of posters do , but Casey 's eyes were on those words , grand opera . She grinned at me . I grinned back . See , when Casey 's pa found out she had married me , he expressed the concern that she would never see the inside of an opera house . The way he 'd said it made it sound like a real loss , and that it was my fault . It really wasn 't , because Casey was considerably less civilized at the time than she is even now , and he was just a poor dirt farmer , and I doubt if she 'd have seen much opera anyway . But it was a concern of his , so we took it as a concern of ours . Since then we had seen the inside of every opera house between here and Kansas City . Every one . And not an opera in the bunch . Plenty of lectures , revival meetings , melodramas . Heard some nice music too , but never an opera . As we stood there gawping at that poster , we could hear somebody inside playing the piano . You couldn 't hear it too well , but then there was another sound , flitting up and down like water over rocks . At first I didn 't even recognize it . It sounded like a couple of instruments - - like a flute and a fiddle . Then I realized it was women 's voices . Just dancing all over the air . Casey pushed open the door , and we went in . Unfortunately , the music had already stopped , and now we could hear arguing . The arguing was musical , though , and not bad to listen to . We stood close to the doors , in the shadow of the narrow balcony overhead . The hall wasn 't that big , and we didn 't want them to notice us . The floor was bare , except for a single chair , right up front in the middle . A man with a curly moustache and a crystal - topped cane sat in it , while two ladies yelled at each other in French from either side of the little stage . He looked real pleased with himself and with them , and I wondered if the ladies were fighting over him . We got a clear view of what happened next . They were standing there yelling , and then they all moved at once . The Moustache got up and raised his hands like he was going to make peace . The younger of the women charged to the middle of the stage , waving a sheaf of music . The older woman stepped toward her and shouted " sabotage ! " and pointed at the younger woman . The younger woman wheeled around and threw her arms wide . I think she meant to yell at the other woman . And with an echoing boom , there was a gunshot from the balcony , right above us . A gout of black powder shot out into the air , and everybody stopped talking and looked up . The young woman screamed , and fell to the stage in an elegant heap . This past week we had a flash fiction story , " Flat Crossing " and some story notes about the writing of it . I also continued my theme of Anthony Hope by talking about browsing at Project Gutenberg and how I am a complete fangirl of The Prisoner of Zenda . And we had a joke about heavenly figures playing golf . This story is a favorite of mine , and an important part of the history of Mick and Casey , so I don 't know why I never completed the prose version of this story . Perhaps it was because it came at a time when I was really unhappy with where the mystery market was going and I had gone over to screenwriting and script analysis . Or maybe it was because it looked like it was going to be a little long for the market - - and I had some thoughts of making it longer , maybe even a novel . Whatever the reason , I never wrote it as fiction . The only complete version of this story is a short screenplay . Now , in those days , most settled towns had something they called an " opera house . " It was usually an actual house , or more like a small church , with a large main room where plays , recitals and lectures could take place . So even though it wasn 't exactly what Casey 's father had in mind , Mick and Casey have made a hobby of visiting opera houses whenever they find them . . . but they never have actually heard an opera or anything like it . Now , in A Fistful of Divas , they just might get their first chance to hear a pair of honest - to - goodness divas sing . . . if the ladies don 't get scared away by a hired gun shooting at them . Who hired him and why ? That has to be resolved before the fat lady will agree to sing . This is because there is something about an established series - - we get a picture of the characters in our heads . Illustrations tend to clash with it . While I have gotten a lot better at character illustration , I know I cannot match my picture of Mick and Casey . Plot structure isn 't the only place to find meaning in a story . Sometimes you can look at it the way you look at folk tales and dreams . Thursday : A Fistful of Divas , Episode 2 I own several copies of the book - - an early edition with the original Charles Dana Gibson illustrations , as well as more modern ones . Also , a copy of the sequel , Rupert of Hentzau ( with Gibson illustrations ) . The Classics Illustrated comic book . Of the movies I own the 1922 , 1937 and 1954 versions . Somewhere I think I have a VHS tape of the 1978 version with Peter Sellers . ( There were at least six Hollywood versions , three silent , three talkie . ) I also have a time travel military sf book called The Zenda Vendetta , in which time - travelling terrorists assassinate the hero and screw up the timeline , so time - travelling commandos have to go back and see the story happens as it is supposed to . The plot - - of a hero who must impersonate a kidnapped king - - has been used again and again : in movies like The Great Race , Moon Over Parador and Dave . It has been used many many times on television , including episodes of Dr . Who and Get Smart , to my memory . I even started to write a screenplay of my own , set in Frankenmuth , Michigan - - which has a yearly Bavarian festival and a world famous restaurant called . . . Zehnders . It was , of course , to be titled The Prisoner of Zehnders . ( Although I probably would have had to change all the names of places to keep from being sued . ) The 1937 movie version also features rather prominently in my mystery The Man Who Did Too Much . That version is second on my list of all time best movies ever . ( Right after Casablanca . ) But more than anything else it was wonderfully written . They preserved as much of the dialog of the book as possible , and the new material was clever and witty . They added a lot of humor , particularly into the romance - - allowing Rudolf to charm Flavia with absurdities and irreverence . And of course , the witty banter during the final sword fight is one of the classics of the screen . That last sword fight , by the way , is probably the major change from the book , and , imho , a necessary one : Rupert , the secondary villain , who is so charming and villainous that the steals the show in every version , just kind of runs amok at the end of the book . He is chaos personified , but he doesn 't provide final conflict for the hero . Rudolf has to fight off some minor characters , but he never faces off with Rupert . I expect they made that change in the very first stage version - - it was so obviously necessary . ( Anthony Hope , by the way , was closely involved in that first stage production . ) Interesting factoid : the 1937 movie version was so well loved that when they remade it in 1952 , they did their best to replicate it shot - for - shot . They had the 1937 version running on a Moviola on the set . Seriously . ( If they loved it so much , why remake it ? Because it wasn 't in color , and in those days , you didn 't do major re - releases of old movies anyway . ) When a story gets retold as much as this one has - - both faithfully and unfaithfully - - it takes on a mythic quality . ( Or perhaps it gets retold because it has a mythic quality . ) And mythic stories have an additional aspect , an additional lens , with which we can look at them and understand them . This story has something I call " character structure " which is kind of like plot structure , only different . I 've decided that probably deserves it 's own post , and it is more of a literary theory thing . . . so I 'll tell you more about that on Wednesday . In the meantime , if you haven 't read it or seen it before , you should get your hands on a copy of Zenda , book or movie . Some of the links lead to Amazon . com . If you follow them and buy something , I will get a small share of the proceeds . Every penny of that will go into my Summer of Writing Fund , which will allow me to take some time off in the summer and concentrate on writing . Or if you 'd rather support this site directly , you can make a donation via Paypal : |
He didn 't look like he believed me . He looked up at Casey like a mouse looks at a snake . Which , to be fair , was appropriate , since she was looking at him like a snake looks at a mouse . " So what word won 't you say ? " I asked , as I picked up his suitcase and emptied it on the bed , and started poking through the contents . He didn 't answer , maybe because he had just promised not to talk . I found what I was looking for , hidden in the middle of a bundle of handkerchiefs . Two letters , a little rumpled . One for Miss Clarice and one for Madame Olenka . Addressed and in French . I held them up . " Clarice isn 't French . Olenka isn 't Russian . The letters are from the guy who teaches people to speak French and act like royalty . They 're fakes . " " I agree , " said the piano man . " In regular show business , nobody 's who they say they are . It 's part of the act . But opera , that 's almost society . The Great Henri is not interested in hicks who can sing . " " I don 't know . I really don 't , " said the piano man , nearly breaking into sobs . " I only left them a couple notes in their music , telling them to leave money on the piano . I didn 't even sign it . I didn 't know they knew it was me . " " I found them in Clarice 's dressing room . The teacher gave them both to her . That letter to Olenka is a letter of introduction for Clarice , asking for a job for her . I don 't think she ever used it . She just kept it to blackmail Olenka . " " Yeah , " I agreed . Most likely it was Clarice . But I was thinking on all that confusion in the opera house . All those people running around , it was quite a trick to hide Rufus and stab him and not be seen . I stopped . " Or maybe both of them . " She stalked off down the stairs . I followed real quick , wondering if it was time to apologise , but she ducked past me before I could . Just then Mr . Henri came back from talking to the sheriff . He looked tired and distracted , but Casey jumped into his way . " Bien sûr , " he said . " I have some talent , madame . But if you will excuse , I must rest . The sheriff is a difficult man . I am all of a frazzle . " Casey glowered at him as he trotted up the stairs . She grumbled something , but I wasn 't really listening . All of a sudden , I had an idea floating in my head , but I couldn 't quite grab on to it . " Maybe he didn 't know . He didn 't sign the notes he left around for the ladies . So maybe he didn 't put their names at the top either . Maybe Henri found one and thought it was for him . " Well , we caught Henri before he killed the piano man . He had talked his way in and nearly stuck a letter opener in the guy . And after Case took that letter open and started trimming Henri 's mustache with it - - which must have hurt on account of it not being sharp , so most of those hairs were being pulled out by the root - - we got a full and tearful confession . It was evening by the time we had got him to jail and everything sorted out with the sheriff . Casey slipped off somewhere . I knew that if she didn 't want to be found , I wasn 't going to find her , but I went looking anyway . I figured it was time for me to apologize , even if she didn 't want to hear it . I 'd rather have her pissed off than ducking me . She was standing in the shadow of the curtains , her hands in her back pockets , looking at me from under her hat . She kept glancing down , and her face was kind of pink . I almost asked her if she had put some rouge on it , because her lips were a little more red than usual too , but I decided to keep my mouth shut . She was working herself up to something . So I stood there with my hands in my back pockets , looking just as uncertain , but probably not as pink . Finally she sidled up closer , her arm just against mine . She didn 't look up , and she still had trouble coming up with what she wanted to say . So finally I talked . " I love you , " she said , flat , like how you 'd tell somebody they had a spot on their shirt . It wasn 't something she said very often . I would almost go as far as saying she never said it , but it wouldn 't quite be true . She just had a real hard time with it . I smiled at her . " Sure , " I said . It turned out to be the right answer . And it was particularly good because it was true . I like Casey any way she comes . But I kinda like that she doesn 't know that , even if it does get me into trouble sometimes . I straightened up , took her by the shoulders and showed her just exactly what I had learned about kissing from that pretend French woman . I think she liked it . She didn 't punch me again , anyway . " You still want to hear them sing ? " I said . " Sure they will . " I pulled out the two letters from my pocket . " They don 't want me sending these letters to that opera company in Chicago . " I didn 't tell her that I had also told Clarice that she didn 't have to sing , if she didn 't want to , since Olenka had promised to give us the best singing anybody had ever heard . It wasn 't true , but it was enough to get Clarice to declare she was going to be the star of the concert . And when Olenka heard that , she wasn 't going to let anybody out do her . So , in the end , we got ourselves a fine concert , with two ladies singing their hearts out . The most beautiful thing I ever heard , other than Casey saying " I love you . " Even so , I suppose it wasn 't really opera . Not a whole opera . One day we 're going to hear that . I supposed there were a dozen ways I could be wrong . Maybe , when the piano man had tried to leave , he 'd flipped that backward lock around wrong and then I 'd flipped it back wrong , and so the door hadn 't locked . Or maybe that " partner " the sheriff was looking for had been hiding in the closet too , before I locked the door , and he only went out later , after he stabbed Rufus . " Case ! " I called again . " Where was Rufus standing ? " I pointed to a spot at the middle of the balcony . " Right about there , wasn 't he ? " I nodded and looked back at the stage . I tried to picture where folks were when we had first walked in . They had all be standing still , and then they all moved just before the shot . " He didn 't like moving targets , " I called back to Casey , as I jumped up on the stage . I went and stood where Clarise had been . Casey pointed her finger at me like it was a gun . She looked awful serious about that aim , and I was reminded that I was in trouble with her . I kinda hoped she was imagining that she was aiming at Clarise , rather than me . Casey 's finger didn 't follow me so well . She was resting her hand on the railing - - as Rufus might have done , he not being a steady shot . He was also a fellow who liked to take his time in aiming . Casey shrugged and scowled - - that shot didn 't feel right . Mr . Henri had been sitting in a chair on the floor , and had got up and moved forward . He would have been at the same angle from Rufus the whole time . I did as he had done . Casey kinda frowned over that one . " Maybe , " she said . " But you 're taller than he is . And he would have had to aim down a lot more to hit him when he was sitting . " All the same , Henri made the most sense . The ladies were competing hard over him . If one of them thought that he liked the other one better , she just might want to kill him . . . . But there had been one more person on that stage . The one who had looked up and seen it coming . The only one to move away from the shot , when he ducked . I went over to the piano , and put my finger on the hole in the wood . Casey squinted and aimed her finger at it . I sat down on the bench like I was playing the piano and I turned around , and saw Casey aiming right at me . " Why ? " she said . " Not sure , " I admitted . " He don 't seem to care much for any of them , and they don 't pay him any mind at all . But he was nervous all right , and so he probably knows why . And maybe who . Don 't know why he didn 't say anything , though . " " Case , " I said . " If somebody 's out to kill him , this would be the best time to do it . The sheriff 's looking for somebody else . And nobody 's looking for one of them being the killer . " We ran out of that opera house in a flying tumble , hoping we weren 't too late . by Camille LaGuire The blood did not belong to any of the opera folk . They all popped out to see what was going on as soon as Miss Clarice screamed . The sheriff had Casey round them all up and keep them up front . Meantime , the sheriff and a deputy tried to get the door open . As nobody was complaining from the other side , I figured there wasn 't that much of a hurry , but my opinion wasn 't wanted . They eventually sent for the opera house manager , who came huffing in a little bit later , apologizing because he hadn 't been able to find his keys , and had to dig out another set . The sheriff elbowed me , like I should stay out of it . The manager looked alarmed and then looked down at the blood on the floor and looked more alarmed . The sheriff took his keys and unlocked the door of the closet . Inside the closet was old Ring - neck Rufus . Dead as dirt . Somebody had shoved a knife up under his breastbone and into his heart . He must have gone fast , but he still bled out pretty good . This time it was the manager who nearly fainted . I hauled him around the curtain to the stage , where the opera folks were waiting with Casey . I noticed that they were all sitting still for her . Maybe it was the sight of blood , but I thought it was more the look of blood in her eye . " Don 't want to hear it ! " snapped the sheriff . So I shut my mouth and he went on . " Rufus wouldn 't do something like that on his own . Somebody must have hired him . And I expect when Rufus ran , he met up with his fellow and maybe told him how he 'd screwed up . That might have been enough motive right there , but this partner also would have been worried that Rufus would talk once he was caught . " " Anyway , " he continued . " This partner had to get rid of Rufus , so he brought him back in here and knifed him and shoved him in the closet . And slipped back out into the alley . " " And what about her ? " added Madame Olenka with a glance at Clarice . " She threw herself at that man with the angry wife , did she not ? " I glanced at Casey , and I could see she was fingering her knife , but I couldn 't tell if she was looking at him or me . No , she was looking at Clarice . But the sheriff told Mr . Henri he wanted to know more about the this fellow he 'd made jealous , and he sent all the other opera folk back to their hotel . Casey went off to the balcony to be by herself . She did that when she felt bad , which made me feel extra bad . But I couldn 't help but feel I did not deserve quite as much disgust as I was getting - - well , maybe I did from her , but not from the sheriff . I had locked that door . And it wasn 't the kind of bolt you could unlock with a key . Only someone on the inside could have unlocked it . I remembered how the piano man had tried to leave , and I wondered for minute if he had got messed up by the backward lock and had managed to lock it rather than unlock , and I was distracted enough , maybe then I flipped it back , thinking I was locking it when I really unlocked it . " Like the sheriff said : He ran to his partner for help . And that partner was somebody in this building . It was one of the opera folks themselves . " " Clarice leaves threats for me sometimes , " said the lady in a low , confidential voice . " She has a letter of mine . It is from a man other than Henri . This man loves me , and Henri would not understand . . . . Do you read French ? " I thought about that . I wasn 't sure we were getting the straight story , but it sounded interesting . I looked at Casey . She gave me a little shrug without looking at me , so she was still mad , but she didn 't object . Maybe she wanted to get back at Clarice . " We 'll do it , " I said . " . . . but not for twenty dollars . " Casey straightened up a little . Yep , that 's what she wanted . I turned to Olenka and , and damned if that woman wasn 't looking sour , like singing was the last thing in the world she wanted to do . " Why not ? " I said . She shrugged and turned back to her mirror and started playing with her powderpuff and combs and things . Because of the mirror , though , she really couldn 't avoid looking at me . " We ain 't good enough ? " said Casey . She uncrossed her arms , and stood like she was about to draw . The lady narrowed her eyes , and made a little shrug . Casey was already out the door , and I found her in the hall , staring hard at the door of Miss Clarice 's dressing room . As I came up to her , she twisted around slow and looked at me with the scariest look on her face I ever saw . I nearly took a step back . I did not like this plan . But Casey didn 't leave me any time to come up with a better one . She reached out and knocked lightly on the door . " Entrez ! " came the voice of Miss Clarice . Casey reached over and pulled the door open while staying behind it , out of sight . I didn 't have any choice but to step into the room . I thought quick and decided furtive was the way to go . I put a finger to my lips and hunched down . Miss Clarice took a quick glance behind me , didn 't see anybody , and gave me a mischievous smile . I pointed toward Madame Olenka 's dressing room , and Clarice smiled slyly . I backed out of the room , looked both ways like I was watching out for trouble . Trouble , as it happened , was well - concealed behind the door where she wouldn 't be seen . Miss Clarice followed me out , and I hustled her around the corner into the little hall that led to the back door . It was a narrow space , and Clarice smiled , and reached up to caress my chest . In that moment I changed my mind on how I was going to handle it . I shoved her away , down the hall where she was trapped . Her face turned pink enough to match her rouge . " But it was locked , " I said . It was only then that I realized I should have asked Casey how she had got into the building , seeing as the doors were both bolted from the inside . I had thrown those bolts myself . " It ain 't locked , " he said , pointing back to the door . " And Rufus must have come back in this way . It 's the only place he coulda gone . " " You make sure those opera folk are all safe , " he called back to me . " I 'm going search this place again and - - " He stopped , so sudden Clarice and I ran into the back of him . He was looking down at the floor , and I looked down too . It 's easy to forget that underneath the big hat , and the pair of sixguns and the big boots and spurs and sometimes bandaleros and chaps and the tough talk and all , there 's a girl . I forget sometimes that she 's even younger than I am , because she doesn 't seem so , and she 's a lot more shy than she lets on . She 's a little gal in a big man 's world , and she somehow manages to be tough when she isn 't big or strong . I had let her down . I felt like a rat . I was mad at myself , and I was mad at Clarice - - especially when I thought that she must have seen Casey coming up , and she pushed it anyway . She was stomping on Casey 's territory on purpose . " No , " she said , and she snapped it so hard I knew I wasn 't the only one who let her down . " Sheriff 's still looking . He 's got some deputies , so he didn 't need - - " " Shit ! " said Casey , and she kicked at the curtain . It just fluffed around and caught on her spur . She hopped there , cursing even worse , trying to get it unhooked . I started to help , but she shoved me away . " It ain 't a bad reason , " I said . I explained how Clarice wouldn 't sing because she thought Madame Olenka was trying to kill her , while Casey tried to get her spur loose . She couldn 't because she had managed to kick up so high she couldn 't raise her foot any to get unhooked . I finally scooped her up , and she kicked loose , and I put her back down again . " Maybe the other one will sing , " she said , still not looking at me . She punched the curtain aside and headed backstage again . . " Or if she 's really trying to kill the other one , maybe we can hog - tie her and then Little Red Lips will sing . " She was a beautiful woman too . Older and a good bit heftier , but all woman , if you know what I mean . But she wasn 't interested in me , which was a good thing . " It is sabotage ! " said the lady . She gestured with her powderpuff , and the room not being very big , I wound up with a splat of powder on my chest . " Do you know what that is ? " " In Europe , if you want to stop a factory , you drop a sabot - - a wooden shoe - - in the machine . And it stops . She is dropping a shoe on me . " " Ha ! She would like you to believe that . She would love for Henri to believe that . " She turned to Casey . " Men are such fools . No one is trying to kill anyone . She hired that man herself . " " Of course , Henri attempts to cultivate her . One day I will stop singing . But she refuses to learn . She wishes to be the prima donna , to shine above all . And to have Henri , but Henri is not interested in someone so trivial . So she attacks me , and pretends to suffer . She hires this man to shoot at her . " I 'm Changing The Blog . I have no idea if I 'm going to do this for a month , or through the end of summer , or for the whole year . It probably won 't be beyond that , though . Call it a sideways hiatus : That 's it . The announcements and story notes will not be on a schedule - - they 'll just appear when I have something to say . The fiction will continue on Mondays and Thursdays . I have drafts of many wonderful posts for you . They are going into a drawer until they get the perspective they need . I will undoubtedly add more drafts to the pile . I finally have the chance to focus . Before I retired , I didn 't have a Chance In Hell of achieving the focus I aimed for . Since my retirement was , uh , a surprise for me , I had to take time to get past a lot of life - related distractions . Now for the past few months I 've been cutting down on the number of things I do , bringing myself down to the focus point . by Camille LaGuire The piano player stood off by his piano and clutched a folder of music sheets to his chest . He was staring at the piano . There was a hole in it . When I went over to him , he told me his name was Dick , but he didn 't want to talk . He wanted to leave . I didn 't blame him but I wanted to persuade him to stay and play piano for the concert . " Your wife ! " he exclaimed , and for a minute he didn 't seem to know what to say . But he recovered fast . " Ladies are so magnificent , are they not ? " " That one is , " I agreed . " And don 't you worry about that gunman . I know him . He 's dumb as a bag of hammers , and snivelly to boot . My magnificent wife has probably caught him by now . " " I don 't know , " I said , looking up at the balcony where he had been . " He 's too stupid to be crazy . He had to think there was money in it . Can you think of anybody who would pay him to give you folks trouble ? " Henri was lost in his thoughts . He frowned back at the dressing rooms again . " I should speak to Olenka , " he said . " She will be upset that I reassured only Clarice . " He disappeared behind the curtain again and I called after him : " You tell them it 's all right ! It 'll be safe to sing tonight . We 'll see to it ! " Dick the piano guy reached over and hit a key on the piano . It made a funny scraping thunk sound . Must have been the wires that got hit by the bullet . " Ma ' am , " I said , tipping my hat . " I just wanted you to know that you don 't have to worry about a thing . We 're gonna catch him - - " " I am very frightened , " she said , and she shrank back a little . I naturally stepped forward and put a hand out to reassure her . She grabbed my hand with both of hers . " I cannot sing with people shooting at me . I would die . " " Her ! " she said , and she pointed toward the next room , thrusting her chest out in a way that I couldn 't help but appreciate . " She does not want me to sing . Her voice , it is old and turning like a frog . " Madame Olenka 's voice had not sounded all that bad to me . What little I 'd heard sounded better than Clarice , actually . But I didn 't say so . " She knows that Henri favors me , " she added , and that made some sense . Clarice was younger , and though she was a bit skinny , she was awful pretty . Awful pretty . She came up closer and put a hand on my chest , looking up at me with those big eyes . My heart started thumping , but it didn 't seem like any of that blood was going to my head . I blinked at her . " Uh . . . uh , yes , ma ' am . They do . " She smelled like flowers . She put her other hand on my ribs , and began to slide it , ever so softly , around and down . . . . Then she kissed me . They say that French people really know how to kiss , and she sure seemed to know . She was a comfortable armful , but I was trying not to put my arms around her , just like I was trying to remember what it was I had meant to say . I didn 't succeed at all at the first , but I eventually managed the second as she slipped back and away from me . I didn 't do the posts I wanted to do last week , and I might not do as much as I want this week . The serial , with Mick and Casey and the Divas , will continue without interruption . And you 'll see the next Miss Leech cartoon ( though the art may be rougher than it has been . ) I have no problem with creative work . I am having a problem with blogging - - I 've got lots of things I want to say , but my mind seems to be processing too much . Which is odd , except . . . well . . . here 's what poured out of my head when I just sat down and opened a vein : I 've really had it with brats . The writing culture has always had it 's share of them . The internet attracts them like flies to a festering wound . But right now I 'm feeling really unusually intolerant of bratty behavior . I can 't even abide behavior that really is only moderate on the scale of brattiness - - things I 've even done myself at times . This is a sign of a very full gorge . My reaction is out of proportion . Meanwhile , I find myself replaying an old day dream that I used to use to relieve stress about ten years ago . I don 't feel stressed , but I get an unusual amount of pleasure out of it even though it 's not a particularly interesting day dream . I haven 't even been been adding new details to it to make it creative or new . It just keeps playing for no reason whatsoever , occupying more of my time than it should . It 's like eating potato chips . I just keep dipping in again and again . . . . They were incredibly destructive , but also incredibly incompetent . ( They would do things like hold required meetings in non - handicapper accessable buildings in hopes of punishing handicapped colleagues for non - attendance . Then they 'd get their asses handed to them by HR . ) But even though they were thwarted at every turn , they were freaking persistent , and it took the rest of us every ounce of effort 24 / 7 to fend them off and keep the ship afloat . They liked to pick victims ; single out folks they thought were the weak links ( like people with disabilities ) . And I was a part - timer . Furthermore , I was a part - timer in a position to feed all sorts of info to my colleagues . So yeah , I had a target on my back , and I was made the center of a lot of stress . But they were incredibly stupid , and I was not actually easy pickings . Most of the time it was like a Tex Avery cartoon . I was Droopy or Chilly Willy , footling along and minding my own business and then I 'd sidestep the anvil they tried to drop on me , which would bounce and land on their heads . But it was a constant barrage of petty hostility . Hostility will always raise your stress level , no matter how unflappable you are , or how petty it is . Malice is an ugly emotion . And if you get fed enough of it , you start to feel it in return . ( We started " counting coup " that year . We had handprint stickers to mark victories . ) Well , eventually , our diligence in holding off the ravening horde of brats paid off . One by one , they were " moved along " as they got caught in one of their own traps , or higher ups just got tired of dealing with problem after problem . Eventually the top brat got " reorganized " . . . . And peace ruled the land ( more or less , kinda sorta - - we still had to deal with the more ordinary level of institutional idiocy ) . And I myself was rewarded with a new and magnificently sensible boss . It took a while to sort out the emotional baggage from this . Unpack it , acknowledge it , toss it out . I think a couple of my colleagues are still struggling to get over the stress , but for the most part , life got better , and we have moved past the stage where we told jokes and stories about it , and into a new stage of life . Onward to new struggles . Leaving me with a complete intolerance for brats , and a weird and boring stress relief fantasy playing in my head like elevator music . Why am I telling you this ? What has this to do with anything ? I think what 's going on is that I am growing impatient with baggage . Not just the stuff that reminds me of those hard times , but any baggage . Life is short . I used to tell myself and others " These people aren 't paying rent on our heads . Evict ' em . " Right now , I 'm evicting a lot of things from my life - - things that aren 't toxic , but I don 't need them . Sorting out the junk , rethinking what I really want , and I think that resonated with the old feelings . That 's what brought the baggage out . So it 's slowed down my writing . It 's interfered with my blogging . But it 's all good . Those deadlines ? They 're baggage too , or at least the feeling of duty is . In the midst of that troubled time at work , Robert Altman made a movie of the radio show A Prairie Home Companion . That radio show is one of the things that held me together back then . That 's a part of where I learned that whole unflappable Tex Avery cartoon hero thing . ( Also , Garrison Keillor 's voice will relax you better than a prescription tranquilizer . ) And here is a song that expresses the opposite feeling . It 's about a life that has been stripped of the things you don 't even want , when the birds sing with angel tongues and small stones in the driveway are like diamonds . Simplicity . In the movie , this song took the place of " The News From Lake Woebegone . " One of the most peaceful things I 've ever heard : Slow Days of Summer It didn 't matter , I knew who it was . Ring - Neck Rufus was a scrawny outlaw who could be paid to do anything , but wasn 't much good at anything he was paid to do . And I had just seen him counting money out front . He had the gun in his hand and he was looking wild , but he had just enough brain to not shoot Casey . He probably saw that if he shot her , he 'd have me after him for the rest of his life . And if he didn 't kill her , she 'd be after him . He went for the window at the end of the balcony . Casey followed , and I ran out front . As I cleared the doors , I could see the sheriff coming out of his office . He must have heard the shot , because he had his gun drawn . I whistled to him , and ran to the corner of the building . Rufus wasn 't in the lane beside the opera house . I looked up and saw Casey was struggling to pull herself through the window . The sash was stuck and didn 't open high enough . She ain 't that big , but she 's got hips , and guns on each of them . There was no Rufus in the alley , but plenty of places to hide . Piles of boxes and barrels behind the stores , and an open carriage house and a corral further on . " What happened ? " said the Sheriff , as he and Case caught up with me . I went in the back door and threw the bolt to make sure Rufus didn 't come back in behind me . I was in a narrow corridor that ran up to another little corridor behind the stage . There were curtains and a fake wall , and I could hear the folks on stage talking on the other side of it . " I am dead ! " called one of the ladies . I peeked through the curtain and saw the younger one - - the one who fell down - - gesturing and moving around . It was pretty clear she was not dead or anything close to it . They were all facing each other , talking , so I figured Rufus hadn 't gone back out there . I checked around backstage . There were three or four little closets , but only two were unlocked . He wasn 't in there . The fellow with the moustache appeared . He was holding out a glass of water to the young lady , and she refused it with a wave of the hand and turned around again . Which is when she ran almost flat into me . She screamed and back - pedaled into the man with the mustache . Then he saw me and he screamed too . They both went scrambling back to the stage . They didn 't hold on . As I came out on the stage , holding my hands up to show I wasn 't there to shoot at them , they went running in all directions . The only one who stood her ground was the older woman , who took the glass from the mustache man 's hand and threw it in my face . The mustache man and the young woman stopped and glanced at each other . They started sidling back , but the piano man had slipped over to the curtains and was gone . If he meant to run out the back , he 'd unlock the door as he went . " We ain 't caught him yet , sir ! " I called and I chased after . I caught him at the door , just as he threw the latch . I threw it back into place . " You want to stay right here . " I hauled him back to the stage , only to see the older lady sailing off toward the front of the house like she was going to leave that way . I ran to cut her off . She turned on me and snapped her fan like she she might take my head off with it . " Where 'd they go ? " I asked . " Dressing rooms , " said the piano player pointing backstage . " She says she can 't sing in a place like this - - " I caught up with her just as she went into one of the little closets and slammed the door behind her . I heard her throw the latch , and I figured at least she was safe . I could hear the other two talking behind one of the other doors . I said on Sunday that I would have a post today on " Character Structure " which is a really cool way to look at stories . I had it 2 / 3 written . But I just found I couldn 't get over the hump tonight to finish it . I told myself not to commit to particular blog posts in my Sunday preview any more , but did I listen ? No . Part of the reason is because I came across the ebook version of a text book from college which is kind of the foundation of the article , and I thought I should re - read it . But mostly , my brain just crashed . This may be partly because I am in fiction - mode , but mostly because the dry air of winter has been hell on my sinuses and I have not been getting good sleep lately . Here is the very worst part of all this : I have a bunch of great blog posts lined up for you which are also in this same state : mostly done , and I want to get to them all now . I think what I really need is to rest up and push through all of them at once . My brain likes to splurge that way . So I 'm putting the Character Structure post off until Friday at least . ( And the promised post on the Death and Rebirth of Reading to some unknown point in the future . ) But right now , I 'm going to read . It 's eBook Week at Smashwords . This sale runs from March 3 - 9 . and uses coupon codes . The codes appear on the book pages , but I have also included them below . The Case of the Misplaced Hero . This the first of the summer serials . An old - timey serial adventure about a young man and his drunken college professor , transported to a world inspired by silent movies . In April we 'll see the sequel . . . well PREquel to this as we flash back to how another character came into this story . Have Gun , Will Play - The first Mick and Casey mystery / western novel about a pair of young gunslinger detectives in the old west . I sometimes describe this as a cozy mystery with gunfights , and gunslingers playing with dolls . ( The current serial is a Mick and Casey story . ) What do these three books have in common ? They all combine humor with adventure , and I just realized . . . they all involve kidnappings . ( And murders ! ) There 's also a kidnapping in Harsh Climate . And I guess technically , there is an off - screen hostage taking in Misplaced Hero . Holy Mazoli , I guess I have a thing for kidnappings . ( Well it IS a perennial theme for the light crime story . ) However , some of the kidnappings involved are FAUX kidnappings . You 'll have to read them all to find out which ones . The original cover for Harsh Climate was nice , but it looked like a serious thriller and I thought it was misleading . In the mean time , I did a mock up of a cover for another screenplay I am going to adapt to a novella - - another stand alone crime comedy . I decided to redo Harsh Climate to match that . I had a much cooler vision of that cover for HC , but it was in lines , not shapes , and I found that I couldn 't make it work and have the title and name readable . So this is a compromise until I figure out how to do what I wanted . ( I admit , this is close . ) For Anna , I just wanted to get rid of the dorky font , and maybe push the color to closer to my " house " color of a blue with a touch of green . ( Not as green as the crime covers above , but closer to the blue in Wife of Freedom or Misplaced Hero - - still too purple now , but it is lighter and easier to read . ) I did not achieve what I wanted . I achieved what I consider to be a " concept " cover . I need to do the typography by hand , I think , and not leave it to effects . I have not uploaded the new cover of Anna to Smashwords ( because doing anything at Smashwords is a pain in the patoot ) , but I decided to put this interim cover up at Amazon to see how it looks . We pulled up in front of the sheriff 's office . I jumped off my horse , but Casey stayed on hers , poking Bad Brachit with her rifle to make sure he didn 't get any ideas . Not that he had too many ideas left . " Hey , Mick , " said the sheriff in greeting . He paused to touch his brim at Casey , and looked at the outlaw . " What happened to his hat ? " Brachit 's hat was pretty tattered . The brim , which had been wide , was mostly gone , and what remained was all shot up . So was the crown . What he had left amounted to a headband . " He pissed Casey off , " I said . Casey was a sharp - shooter . She had to be , in our line of work . She was too small and too , well , female to impress people on first sight . So she got their attention in other ways . I turned toward Casey , but she wasn 't looking at Brachit any more . She was looking down the street . She twisted back to look at me , her eyes suddenly wide , and looking more like the seventeen year old girl she was . Casey reined her horse around and went over to check it out . I went in quick and finished up our business with the sheriff . Brachit was only worth a hundred and fifty dollars , but that wasn 't bad . It was plenty to pay off some debts , get ourselves cleaned up and go see whatever was playing . I really wasn 't paying much attention as I headed out from the law office . I was counting our money and thinking about music , and I nearly ran into a fella who was also counting some money . Before I looked up , he had already dashed across the road , behind a moving wagon piled high with barrels . By the time it passed , he was gone , and all I saw was the opera house , and Casey . Tonight Only , said the poster . Madame Olenka Voshnovia , toast of Paris and London , and late of New York , Boston and Chicago , will perform various selections of grand opera for the delight and education of the audience . Mademoiselle Clarice de Moncerf will be featured in duet and solo . . . . It went on like those kinds of posters do , but Casey 's eyes were on those words , grand opera . She grinned at me . I grinned back . See , when Casey 's pa found out she had married me , he expressed the concern that she would never see the inside of an opera house . The way he 'd said it made it sound like a real loss , and that it was my fault . It really wasn 't , because Casey was considerably less civilized at the time than she is even now , and he was just a poor dirt farmer , and I doubt if she 'd have seen much opera anyway . But it was a concern of his , so we took it as a concern of ours . Since then we had seen the inside of every opera house between here and Kansas City . Every one . And not an opera in the bunch . Plenty of lectures , revival meetings , melodramas . Heard some nice music too , but never an opera . As we stood there gawping at that poster , we could hear somebody inside playing the piano . You couldn 't hear it too well , but then there was another sound , flitting up and down like water over rocks . At first I didn 't even recognize it . It sounded like a couple of instruments - - like a flute and a fiddle . Then I realized it was women 's voices . Just dancing all over the air . Casey pushed open the door , and we went in . Unfortunately , the music had already stopped , and now we could hear arguing . The arguing was musical , though , and not bad to listen to . We stood close to the doors , in the shadow of the narrow balcony overhead . The hall wasn 't that big , and we didn 't want them to notice us . The floor was bare , except for a single chair , right up front in the middle . A man with a curly moustache and a crystal - topped cane sat in it , while two ladies yelled at each other in French from either side of the little stage . He looked real pleased with himself and with them , and I wondered if the ladies were fighting over him . We got a clear view of what happened next . They were standing there yelling , and then they all moved at once . The Moustache got up and raised his hands like he was going to make peace . The younger of the women charged to the middle of the stage , waving a sheaf of music . The older woman stepped toward her and shouted " sabotage ! " and pointed at the younger woman . The younger woman wheeled around and threw her arms wide . I think she meant to yell at the other woman . And with an echoing boom , there was a gunshot from the balcony , right above us . A gout of black powder shot out into the air , and everybody stopped talking and looked up . The young woman screamed , and fell to the stage in an elegant heap . This past week we had a flash fiction story , " Flat Crossing " and some story notes about the writing of it . I also continued my theme of Anthony Hope by talking about browsing at Project Gutenberg and how I am a complete fangirl of The Prisoner of Zenda . And we had a joke about heavenly figures playing golf . This story is a favorite of mine , and an important part of the history of Mick and Casey , so I don 't know why I never completed the prose version of this story . Perhaps it was because it came at a time when I was really unhappy with where the mystery market was going and I had gone over to screenwriting and script analysis . Or maybe it was because it looked like it was going to be a little long for the market - - and I had some thoughts of making it longer , maybe even a novel . Whatever the reason , I never wrote it as fiction . The only complete version of this story is a short screenplay . Now , in those days , most settled towns had something they called an " opera house . " It was usually an actual house , or more like a small church , with a large main room where plays , recitals and lectures could take place . So even though it wasn 't exactly what Casey 's father had in mind , Mick and Casey have made a hobby of visiting opera houses whenever they find them . . . but they never have actually heard an opera or anything like it . Now , in A Fistful of Divas , they just might get their first chance to hear a pair of honest - to - goodness divas sing . . . if the ladies don 't get scared away by a hired gun shooting at them . Who hired him and why ? That has to be resolved before the fat lady will agree to sing . This is because there is something about an established series - - we get a picture of the characters in our heads . Illustrations tend to clash with it . While I have gotten a lot better at character illustration , I know I cannot match my picture of Mick and Casey . Plot structure isn 't the only place to find meaning in a story . Sometimes you can look at it the way you look at folk tales and dreams . Thursday : A Fistful of Divas , Episode 2 I own several copies of the book - - an early edition with the original Charles Dana Gibson illustrations , as well as more modern ones . Also , a copy of the sequel , Rupert of Hentzau ( with Gibson illustrations ) . The Classics Illustrated comic book . Of the movies I own the 1922 , 1937 and 1954 versions . Somewhere I think I have a VHS tape of the 1978 version with Peter Sellers . ( There were at least six Hollywood versions , three silent , three talkie . ) I also have a time travel military sf book called The Zenda Vendetta , in which time - travelling terrorists assassinate the hero and screw up the timeline , so time - travelling commandos have to go back and see the story happens as it is supposed to . The plot - - of a hero who must impersonate a kidnapped king - - has been used again and again : in movies like The Great Race , Moon Over Parador and Dave . It has been used many many times on television , including episodes of Dr . Who and Get Smart , to my memory . I even started to write a screenplay of my own , set in Frankenmuth , Michigan - - which has a yearly Bavarian festival and a world famous restaurant called . . . Zehnders . It was , of course , to be titled The Prisoner of Zehnders . ( Although I probably would have had to change all the names of places to keep from being sued . ) The 1937 movie version also features rather prominently in my mystery The Man Who Did Too Much . That version is second on my list of all time best movies ever . ( Right after Casablanca . ) But more than anything else it was wonderfully written . They preserved as much of the dialog of the book as possible , and the new material was clever and witty . They added a lot of humor , particularly into the romance - - allowing Rudolf to charm Flavia with absurdities and irreverence . And of course , the witty banter during the final sword fight is one of the classics of the screen . That last sword fight , by the way , is probably the major change from the book , and , imho , a necessary one : Rupert , the secondary villain , who is so charming and villainous that the steals the show in every version , just kind of runs amok at the end of the book . He is chaos personified , but he doesn 't provide final conflict for the hero . Rudolf has to fight off some minor characters , but he never faces off with Rupert . I expect they made that change in the very first stage version - - it was so obviously necessary . ( Anthony Hope , by the way , was closely involved in that first stage production . ) Interesting factoid : the 1937 movie version was so well loved that when they remade it in 1952 , they did their best to replicate it shot - for - shot . They had the 1937 version running on a Moviola on the set . Seriously . ( If they loved it so much , why remake it ? Because it wasn 't in color , and in those days , you didn 't do major re - releases of old movies anyway . ) When a story gets retold as much as this one has - - both faithfully and unfaithfully - - it takes on a mythic quality . ( Or perhaps it gets retold because it has a mythic quality . ) And mythic stories have an additional aspect , an additional lens , with which we can look at them and understand them . This story has something I call " character structure " which is kind of like plot structure , only different . I 've decided that probably deserves it 's own post , and it is more of a literary theory thing . . . so I 'll tell you more about that on Wednesday . In the meantime , if you haven 't read it or seen it before , you should get your hands on a copy of Zenda , book or movie . Some of the links lead to Amazon . com . If you follow them and buy something , I will get a small share of the proceeds . Every penny of that will go into my Summer of Writing Fund , which will allow me to take some time off in the summer and concentrate on writing . Or if you 'd rather support this site directly , you can make a donation via Paypal : |
Halfway there ! I still can 't believe we 're going to have another baby . I also don 't think I 've really come to terms with the fact that we are having a girl . I was thinking about how I will need to get new clothes for stuff like Astros games ( if we can ever get up there for one again ) and birthdays . After I thought we were having a boy , I looked at those onesies and imagined getting photos of Colin in the same outfits . Things will be a little different now . Although I do plan to reuse the Illini gear . No reason a girl can 't wear orange and blue ! Travis and I had a mini freak out tonight . We were putting Aiden to bed and Travis was in the closet , " We have to fit two sets of clothes in here . " The logistics of fitting a second child into a 1300 sq . ft . house is insane . We want an armoire for the guest bedroom , I 'd like to get some corner shelves for the kids ' room , and I 'd love to get a buffet table for the dining room . In order to put the crib in Aiden 's room , we need to move the futon out of there . I was hoping to move it into the guest bedroom , but then we need a computer desk somewhere else in the house - a place to do bills and store our computer . WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT THAT ? Travis and I decided we need a bigger house . We 've spent a lot of time together in the past week . I feel like I 've gotten to know my son a little bit better . • He says tree instead of three . • He heard me call my mom ' Mom ' so now he calls me Mom instead of Mommy . • He likes clementines . • He adores his uncle Alex and Gramma . Very sad they 're gone . • He is building a tolerance to Christmas candy . It 's been a good vacation thus far . Only thing that would make it better is if Travis had the whole thing off with me . Posted by I 'm not sure how much I 'll be posting over the next week . My family is in town for the holidays and I plan to keep busy with them . In the meantime , check out this giant waste of aged grapes : I can 't remember if I have posted about this before . So if I have , please forgive me . I have been reading through the archives of a blog titled Fed Up With Lunch . It 's written by a teacher that ate the school - provided lunch at the elementary school she worked at every day for a year . She chronicles her daily meals , how they made her feel , what students had to say about it , etc . She also mentions that the kids only have 20 minutes to get to the cafeteria , collect their food , cut it , eat , then get back to class . Most of the meals look horrible . That 's not what my school lunches looked like . Ours were cooked in an oven in bulk , then scooped out into each tray . These meals just look icky . I 've been getting very interested in school lunches as Aiden is getting closer to attending school . I 've seen some of the food they prepare at his daycare , and it 's not too bad . Definitely doesn 't look like the stuff in this blog . I always enjoyed " hot lunches " when I was in grade school . It would be nice if Aiden was able to enjoy the same thing , but if the food looks anything like this at the school I may have to make his lunch more often than not . I am 19 weeks today . Almost half way there ! I had my second nuchal scan with the doctor yesterday , which is basically an in depth ultrasound . I love that stuff , seeing all the little parts . When the technician was doing the initial screening , the baby would NOT move . It made it easy for measuring a lot of things , but when it was time for her to see certain things ( like the heart ) , the baby was just not in a good position . I had to roll over a couple times so the tech could get a different view . At the end of the ultrasound , the tech says , " Everything looks good with the baby , but " and I start mentally freaking out - is there something wrong with me ? The placenta ? WHAT IS THE BUT ? ? ? 0 . 5 seconds later , " but I think this little boy is a little girl . " The doctor came in the room at that point to confirm that he is 99 . 9 % confident the baby is a girl . " No external plumbing on that one , " he said . Funny guy . So ! I immediately start thinking about names . I couldn 't get past the naming . I couldn 't see any farther than that . I was so excited for Travis , because I know he really wanted a daddy 's little girl . Now , hopefully , he will have that . When I was driving to work , I talked to Alexa on the phone . She said she doesn 't have the little baby girl clothes anymore , but she would save Skylar 's current clothes . Yes please ! I didn 't even think about clothes . I purposely chose neutral colors for Aiden 's room so it would be easy to reuse for a boy or girl . So we will be able to reuse most everything , but clothes are a biggie . I 'm going to go through Aiden 's old stuff and pull out all his neutral things . I can already see our bank account dwindling to nothing . Aiden went with us to this ultrasound . I got him all excited to go see the baby on the TV , but I think it was too abstract for him to see . He got bored quickly . Thank goodness for toddler apps on the phone ! Aiden seems to be grasping the concept of being a big brother a little more lately . He knows there 's a baby in Mommy 's tummy , but not in Daddy 's or his own . I REALLY need to buy him some big brother books . I was reading one of Blair 's to him the other weekend and started crying while thinking about Aiden as a big brother . I will be so proud , I know it . Now that whole I - have - a - feeling - its - a - girl thing makes more sense to me . I really thought the baby was a girl until they told me she was a he . Plus , I have this theory that nausea is worse with girls because there is more estrogen in your body due to the second female on board . With a boy , acne should be worse because there is more testosterone present . I have had more nausea and less acne this pregnancy . Now my feelings are founded ! I already think I have come up with The Name . I need to mull it over a bit , but I 'm 99 . 9 % sure we 're going with Mila . It 's Russian , ranked # 364 in the US and means ' favour or grace ' . I like it 's simplicity . It 's raining ! Perhaps we 'll put a dent in our deficit ? Or maybe not . We 're about 25 inches under average rainfall for the year . I just read that Lake Conroe ( just north of Houston ) is 8 feet below normal levels . I got a parking spot at work ! I didn 't have one for a while because I figured it was a way to save our family $ 40 a month and it was the only exercise I got . I had to walk about 5 blocks from my car to my building . I am thoroughly ecstatic to have that 20 minutes back to my daily commute ( 10 minutes each way ) . I was starting to feel guilty about never driving when we go out for lunch because my car was too far away . When you have a 60 - minute lunch , 20 minutes seems like a lot . I have had almost an entire week constipation free ! Get excited , people . That 's a big deal in Nikki 's life . I think it 's a combination of not needing the Zofran for a while ( let 's hear another hoorah ! ) and incorporating dried apricots into my diet . Whoever said prunes are good to keep the bowels moving had nothing on dried apricots . Maybe a combination of both would be good if you 're having serious problems . Travis bought me an iPhone for Christmas and gave it to me a week early ! My cell phone is my alarm clock . My last cell phone decided it was going to start draining the battery instead of charging it at night , leaving me without an alarm clock in the morning . Since I don 't have a car charger , that meant I only had an hour ( tops ) to charge my phone in the morning . It would inevitably die before the end of the work day . My other complaint with that phone was the touch screen didn 't work well . The iPhone has been SUCH an improvement in that department . TOTALLY worth the cost . Other perks : My mom and brother Alex are here ! They got in late Sunday night and went straight to Ariel 's house . They are staying with her until Christmas Eve . Travis , Aiden and I are going over there for breakfast and spending a portion of the day there . Then Mom and Alex are coming back with us that afternoon / evening . Ariel and Robert have to work that night , so they won 't be coming with us . = ( But ! They will be over first thing in the morning to see what Santa brought Aiden . I LOVE this holiday . There is nothing more disorienting than waking up at 2 am to find your toddler vomiting all over his pillow . I 'm talking whole bean regurgitation on his self , Mr . Lion and the bed . Twice . We ran out of bedding for him to up chuck in . My twisted pregnant stomach , after an hour of wiping sour Mexican food from my son 's face , decided it need to be fed . Although , I guess I don 't really have a sensitive stomach . It just seemed like I shouldn 't be hungry . Sadly , I have to deal with a lot of gross stuff at this job and my previous job , take an hour lunch , then get back to it . I 'm not sure what was wrong with Aiden on Sunday . Saturday we let him take an extra long nap because we made plans to eat dinner in Houston . Shannon was celebrating her birthday in Houston , so we drove up for the child / prego - friendly part of the plans . We don 't get to see Shannon very often since she moved out of town , so it was great to see her . I used to work with her at the vet clinic I worked in during college . Good times . Anyway , Aiden fell asleep in the car around 10 : 30 and we got home at 11 : 30 . The vomiting commenced not long after that . Travis laid in the room with him so he could direct as much vomit into the trash can as possible . ( THANK YOU , TRAVIS ! ) The next day he seemed much better . I introduced water and food to him slowly to make sure he was fine . No problems there . But around 10 : 30 that morning the constipation hit . This was the worst it 's ever been . He bent over and cried for 30 minutes . We offered him prune juice , but he wouldn 't drink it . After a while , we decided to put him in the tub . I 've heard that can help soften things up a bit . He was in the water for an hour without much output . He was crying almost the entire time . We got him out of the bath tub and put him in front of the TV for some distraction . He wouldn 't sit down , but he calmed down and kneeled on the couch . He wouldn 't sit down for lunch so I put the food and juice on the coffee table for him . I offered him lots of whole grains and fruit , hoping to get something in there to help move things along . Thankfully he ate a prune . I didn 't think we would be able to get him down for nap because he was in pain . But at the same time I wasn 't surprised that he passed out the second his head hit the pillow . While Aiden was asleep , Travis ran to the gas station to grab some apple juice . Aiden loves that stuff , so we didn 't have any trouble getting him to drink a lot of that after his 2 - hour nap . We had planned on going to see the Polar Express in 4D that afternoon , but there was no way I was going to take him anywhere like that . He would bend over and cry periodically . We try to comfort him , but most of the time he gets angry and pushes us away . It 's so horrible being that helpless . Finally around 6 or 7 he pushed out a giant rock . Travis claims it was the size of his fist , but he has big hands . I 'm not sure that 's physically possible . With as difficult this one was , perhaps he wasn 't lying . I forgot to post the photos from when we went to get the Christmas tree . We also bought Aiden a mini tree to keep in his room . He pulled it out and carried it around as Dad was lugging the full size version . For our Christmas cards , we went to the neighboring town and took photos along the railroad that lines the main road . I think due to the drought , a lot of the trees are changing colors at the same time . Usually they all change at different times , meaning we never have a true fall . It currently feels like fall in Illinois , even though we 're one week from the first day of winter . I used a tripod to take the photos containing all three ( four ? ) of us . It was tricky . I 'm pregnant , it was muddy , it was windy , Aiden does NOT smile on cue . Here are those results - see for yourself ! Creating the Christmas cards helped us think long and hard about what we want to name our impending little one . We 've had a running list for months , but only a couple names remained on the list . Our final choice ? Curtis is after Travis ' dad . ( Aiden 's middle name is Gregory , after my dad . ) We chose the name because we like it . But after further inspection we found out the following : Colin is short for Nicholas in England . My name is a female version of Nicholas . So both our names mean ' victor ' , as in ' victorious person ' . My grandpa 's name is Victor . The name Colin was ranked # 111 in America according to a Baby Center in 2010 . Yesterday I left work for a couple hours to watch Aiden 's dance class perform . It was so cute . I teared up with happiness / pride the entire time . Thank goodness I recorded some of it because otherwise my only memory would be of a bunch of blurry kids moving around . I 'm rocking some serious constipation this pregnancy . I don 't have a normal digestive system to start with . Then during pregnancy it gets worse . Add Zofran , a known side - effect of which is constipation , and I 'm lucky if I go once a week . And that one time is not an easy moment . I 'm using the term " moment " loosely . I try to keep track of how often I go . I take fiber supplements and stool softener on a daily basis . I do not have doctor permission to take laxatives . Generally you are supposed to avoid those while pregnant because it can bring on labor . When it 's been more than three days , I bump up the fiber supplements . I need to learn to do that on the weekends . The problem is that after a certain point , being stopped up hurts . Just sitting there hurts . I took some Metamucil ( sounds innocent enough ) with my dinner last night . I 've decided that stuff takes about 12 hours to produce results because when I was walking into work this morning , shit hit the fan . Not literally , I promise . Because of further complications related to constipation ( hemorrhoids ) the doctor recommended going the moment an urge struck . Waiting would increase the chances of exacerbating that issue . So I ran to the bathroom and then waited . Because that 's what you do with constipation . Lots of waiting . A few minutes into my wait , the automatic lights in the bathroom turned off . I didn 't want to risk losing the urge if I got up to turn the light back on , so I just sat there in the dark . Then . Then someone came in . I was just waiting , no action , so I was silent . I suddenly felt ridiculous . I didn 't want this unknown ( up to this point ) person to know I was sitting in the bathroom in the dark . Because then they would know I 'd been in there long enough for the lights to go out and then they would KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING . I wasn 't okay with that . So I sat silently . Waiting . Waiting . . . . waiting . . . The lady never left ! I watched the second hand tick away on my watch . Almost 10 minutes went by . Finally I took matters into my own hands . I noisily pulled some toilet paper off the roll . The sound of that paper ripping obviously said , ' GET OUT . ' So she did . I did my business and off to work I go ! On Sunday we went to a Christmas party for Travis ' work . This is our first at his new job since he started in May . I was looking forward to finally meeting everyone . He has showed me a photo of them on their website , but I hadn 't met any of them in person ( except for one ) . It was nice to get a feel for the people Travis works with on a daily basis . Kids were not invited , so we left Aiden at Blair 's house for the afternoon . Of course he chooses a day with someone else to sleep three and a half hours ! He didn 't wake up until shortly before we got back from the dinner and that was only because Alexa woke him up . Crazy kid . I 'm pretty sure it 's because he was sleeping in Chris and Alexa 's bedroom , which is PITCH BLACK . I 've decided that when we can afford it , one of my purchases for the kids ' room will be black - out curtains . They work wonders . The " dinner " was at a seafood restaurant in a town we don 't visit very much . We 'd been there once before with the Ramby 's , but I didn 't realize until we got there . I put dinner and quotes back there because we ate at 2 : 30 in the afternoon . It worked out well though . They had an open appetizer buffet when we got there . Then we were allowed to order whatever we wanted off the menu . Of course I wasn 't feeling that great with the scent of seafood wafting around me . I had the opportunity to get a $ 30 fish plate , but opted for a chicken salad . Travis had Avocado Mahi . I was thinking about getting it , but was glad I had my fresh greens when they brought out the plates . Travis loved it . I just wasn 't up for it . Speaking of nausea , it 's gotten A LOT better . I have found that the only time it hits me hard is after I take my vitamins . I 've been playing around with when I take them , trying to find a safe method . I 'm still working on it though . It didn 't matter if I took them all in the morning , or the evening . Either way I felt horrible . So I 've tried splitting them up throughout the day . I don 't have it perfected just yet . But I think I 've pinpointed it to the DHA supplement . Not sure why it 's affecting me so hard this time because it wasn 't an issue at all last time . Anyhoo , the dessert was chosen for us - blueberry bread pudding . I can 't stand soggy bread , so I 've never liked bread pudding of any kind . I skipped on dessert . We had free drink coupons for the evening . It was supposed to be 2 per person . Travis was happy to use mine . HA . Plus , his boss bought him a few drinks . He talked the ENTIRE ride back to the Ramby 's and he even sang to Christmas music . I didn 't realize he knew the words to Christmas songs . Guess it just takes a few Jack and Cokes to bring out his holiday cheer . We made plans to go to two Christmas parties this weekend . The one on Saturday was a child - friendly party . They have an entire room dedicated to toys , so of course the kids took over that room . We arrived before most of the group did , so here 's a photo of the room before chaos struck : I have started to notice that Aiden does really well with kids of all ages . He seems to adjust his play level to his playmate 's needs . If he 's looking at a baby , his voice gets soft and higher pitched and he gets down on their level to check them out . But if it 's an older boy that he has to run to keep up with , he pumps up the volume and the energy . The one thing he 's not good at , all around , is sharing . He has the toddler mentality . The rules : everything is his . Doesn 't matter who is taking it from him , he will get upset . I found myself explaining to Aiden several times that night , babies are too little to know better . I showed him how to give the little ones a toy to distract them from what he 's playing with . I 'm not sure if that 's the right way to go about it , but both parties seemed okay with it . Here is an example of Aiden learning to share a house with Skylar : Everyone brought some food . It was all awesome . I ate horribly this weekend . I need to reel that in a little bit because my goal this pregnancy is to NOT gain 41 pounds . I don 't know if that will be possible , but I 'm going to give it a try . Honestly , I didn 't have much trouble losing the weight last time . Well , the last 5 - 10 pounds didn 't come off until after I quit breastfeeding , but I will keep that in the back of my head this time . I just want to remain as healthy as possible . I do have to say one of the annoying parts of being gigantic , was my inability to use stairs . It would be nice if I didn 't have an asthma attack every time I need to go up a few stairs . ANYHOO . In addition to the food we all brought , we also brought a gift for the kids ' gift exchange . I was so excited about this part . Chrissy ( pictured below ) numbered the gifts , then each child drew a number that corresponded to the gift they would receive . She obveriously has a magic brain because she knew EVERY child 's birth date . She let the kids draw starting with the youngest and going up from there . Aiden had a rough time understanding that he didn 't get to choose which present he got to open . He wanted one that belonged to another child , so we had a minor breakdown at that moment . But as soon as I got him back to our spot on the carpet and he got to open the present , he was better . He got a variety of card games aimed at kids 3 and up . He 's almost to three and I 've thought about buying him some card games , so I think it worked out wonderfully . Aiden LOVES puzzl s . There is a card game in the set called Matchi g . I haven 't read how you are actually supposed to play the game , but I shuffle the deck and hand it to Aid n . Then he finds the three - card sets and puts them togeth r . It 's a little like a puzzle , only a little more difficu t . He seems to enjoy t . If anything , he just likes shuffling through the cards and looking at th m . I taught him how to pick up a bunch of cards at once and straighten them , so he really likes doing that n w . He gets a little frustrated when it comes to fitting the cards back in the box , but we 're working on th After all the kids opened their gifts , they walked around and played with each other 's presents . It was so cute . There was a really neat underwater puzzle set that required the use of a magnetic fishing pole to take the pieces out of the board . Might be getting that for our little man . . . I can 't recall if I 've mentioned it before , but several months ago we put Aiden in a dance class that comes to his daycare once a week . He has never liked dancing very much and I was hoping this would help him out in that department . And it did ! Sometimes when a song comes on that Aiden enjoys , he 'll start wiggling and say , " Dance Mommy ! " I 'm about to do some bragging , please forgive me . We got a progress report from his instructor last week . The options were Unsatisfactory , Satisfactory and Superior . Aiden received Superior marks in everything ! The instructor also left the following note : " Aiden does really great in class and he knows all the dances . I put him in the front of the class so he can lead the other children . " Ahhhhhh ! I love it ! ! ! I think that is my first time with serious praise from a teacher . So . Exciting . This last weekend , Aiden got a wild hair up his butt and decided he wanted to use the big potty . He came running into the kitchen with his pants around his ankles asking me to take off his diaper . I quickly obliged and we ran to the bathroom . Well , I ran . He waddled with his pants around his ankles . He hopped up on the toilet so quickly that I had to catch him from falling in . I stood there , coaching him on . He suddenly stood up on the stool , and turned around to face the toilet . He wanted to stand up to pee . CUTEST THING EVER . After a moment , he turned around and sat down . By this point , Travis was in there with us . This time when Aiden sat down , he fell all the way in - butt in the water , shirt soaked . I was so worried it would make him afraid of the potty , so we laughed it off . I think we did okay . He only got upset when we made him change his shirt . Sadly , there was no pee in the toilet . I did , however , buy a toilet seat insert so he won 't fall in anymore . It 's covered in super heroes , so I 'm hoping that makes him want to spend more time in there . This weekend we went to a Christmas function for my work . It was at the director 's giant house . Santa was there and since we were late getting to the party , we had Santa all to ourselves ! Which was great because Aiden was really slow to warm up to the guy . We had to sit in the living room for five minutes trying to get Aiden over there . Travis stayed with him and I went over to sit next to Santa on the couch . Travis finally convinced him to walk over to the couch . Travis sat on the other side of Santa and Aiden got up on his lap . And the only reason he did so is because Santa bribed him with a present . Of course , after opening his gift , he didn 't want to leave the couch . Santa was such a good sport , so patient with him . Aiden never cried , but we didn 't get a good photo of him facing the camera . I was still very appreciative of Santa 's patience . I suppose he 's probably a pro with this sort of thing by now . One year at Christmas time , we went out hunting for our tree . Found the perfect one , tied it to the top of our van and made our way home . When we got home , my dad trimmed the tree outside , then brought it in the living room to put in the tree stand . By this point , it was dark . A few moments later , a bat was flying frantically around the house . We all ducked , the cats went nuts trying to chase the flying creature and my parents did some quick thinking . If I remember correctly , they attempted to coax the bat out the door using a broom at first . When that didn 't work , they moved on to a blanket . They opened it up and held it vertically to push the bat toward the door . Worked like a charm . I have to give my mom props for doing that because I really don 't think I would have handled it well . I have a severe fear of bugs or any flying creature getting stuck in my hair . Just thinking about it gives me the chills . After my parents divorced , my mom moved into another home . There was a red bud tree at her front door that used to get swarmed by Japanese beetles ( they look like black shiny June bugs ) every summer . There were so many that they used to land on the front screen door . For a little while , our garage door keypad stopped working so the only option was to enter the front door . Traumatized me for life . I have been watching a lot of TV lately . I know I 've mentioned it before , but we no longer have good adult channels in the living room . We downgraded our satellite package to help save money , so now we have a DVR and family channels . When we got our Internet , it was cheaper to get a package deal with cable . We had cable forever that we weren 't using because we had DirecTV . But when we got rid of satellite in the bedroom , we started using the cable back there . It 's nice because we still get good channels ( MTV , E ! , VH1 , AMC , FX , etc ) , but it 's rough because we don 't have a DVR . That means I have to know what time shows are on that I like , then I need to allott time to actually sit down and watch them . That means on Sundays I watch The Walking Dead and Wednesdays I watch American Horror Story . Lots of gore on my TV lately . Not sure why these shows appeal to me so much . I 've always liked supernatural stories , I guess . I also watch Vampire Diaries ( guilty pleasure ) , but that 's available on the DVR . In addition to these shows , we 've been trying to catch up on Season 1 of Game of Thrones . We don 't have HBO ( although I 'd really love to get it someday ) , so we missed this series when it was live . I 've heard lots of good things about it and wanted to give it a try . I love it . Again , it 's gory . My plan is to finish watching this season , then watch it live with friends who have HBO ( Michelle and Linsey both watch this show ) . We 'll have to see how well that works out . Oh , also on my plate : Baseball Wives . I don 't think I would watch that show if I didn 't have the Linsey connection . But man was it funny knowing that 's her cousin . Bwahahaha ! ! ! They say right off the bat ( no pun intended ) that everyone knows of Anna and her reputation . Ominous start . She didn 't fail to keep up her side . Did anybody watch it ? Doc also explained that the medication I 'm taking for nausea ( Zofran ) can cause serious constipation . That explains a lot of what I 've been dealing with lately . I 'm sure everyone is better for knowing that tidbit about me . But I feel you need to know that to better understand this next bit of information : I 've probably been feeling the baby move . On 4 or 5 occasions I have felt movement down there , but thought it was related to the lack of general movement down there . But every time I felt it , I thought , " Wow . That feels like when Aiden was moving . Oh I can 't wait until I can feel this bambino moving around in there ! " Thing is , I thought it was too early . I believe I felt Aiden move for the first time when I was around 17 weeks along . And it was so faint that it just as well could have been gas bubbles . This is not faint . I even get shifting of my tummy , like the uterus is more on one side than the other . The doctor said that women generally feel the baby moving earlier ( 14 - 16 weeks ) with the second and subsequent pregnancies . Top that with my " large uterus " and I should be feeling this kiddo moving , according to her . So , yay ! Another side effect of Zofran : headaches . They are KILLER . Tylenol has never helped my headaches and unfortunately that 's all I 'm allowed to take at the moment . It does dull the pain , but the only way it disappears completely is after a night of sleep . I 'm now taking some OTC meds to counteract the previously mentioned side effect of Zofran . Still waiting for them to go into effect . Any day now . . . Saturday , Aiden was horribly cranky . Travis was only supposed to work until noon , so I kept telling myself , ' Travis will be home soon . ' Unfortunately , he had to work late . Meaning I didn 't get to have my break . I was planning to get my hair cut and go grocery shopping while Travis stayed home with Aiden . Since we had plans for the Yeager 's to come over for dinner I knew I wouldn 't have time to do that when Travis said he 'd be late . Instead , he stopped at the grocery store for the two items I needed for dinner that night . Travis got a ham from work as his " Thanksgiving bonus " . We cooked it for Thanksgiving and then used the leftovers to make ham and bean soup . It 's a recipe my dad usually does with the Christmas ham . Every time he makes it , the giant pot is gone in one day . We all have a bowl or two and then Travis and Alex finish it off . It 's amazing what those guys can put back . It takes a minimum of four hours to make the soup because you use dried beans and you make your own ham stock using the ham bone . Travis picked up a loaf of french bread and I have to say it turned out pretty amazing . For dessert we had leftover pecan pie and the Yeager 's brought a peanut butter - chocolate pie . I don 't know how I don 't weigh 200 pounds right now . Luke and Aiden ran around the house like mad men . Aiden likes to jump on his bed whenever friends come over and Luke likes to shut doors . Problem is neither of them can open the door to his bedroom . So we spent a lot of time opening doors . Kenley is getting so big . She can sit up well on her own and started crawling the day after their visit . In the past , she was afraid of strangers . The only way I could hold her is if she faced away from me the whole time . At some point she would figure out that a stranger was holding her and she would cry . I am SO ECSTATIC that she has either gotten over the stranger fear , or I am no longer a stranger . She left Travis and I hold her for long periods of time AND we got to interact with her . When she was sitting on Linsey 's lap , she kept laughing at Travis . I think he 's funny looking too , so it makes sense . Sunday , Travis pulled the Christmas decorations out of the garage . Aiden and I put everything up around the house . I have a list of a few things I 'd like to buy from the store , if I can find it . I know this is cheesy , but my dad bought us a string of multi - color , musical lights . They put me in the Christmas mood every time I go pee . Aiden really likes them too . Sadly , last year half the string went out and I couldn 't figure out what was wrong with them . I threw them away assuming I could buy more this year . But now I can 't find them anywhere ! I need to search harder on the Internet . None of the stores near me carry them . My dad said he got it from a local store . I may have him mail me some ! Now all we need is a Christmas tree ! We are planning to get one this weekend . I can 't wait to decorate it with Aiden this year . He is really into the Christmas spirit this year . In the past it was fun because we were doing something different . This year , he actually understands and recognizes more . He does seem more smitten by Christmas trees than Santa . Which means putting up the tree this weekend should be a blast . Last year my dad bought a frame and an ornament for me to place a silhouette portrait of Aiden and a lock of his first hair cut . I never got around to doing it so it 's been sitting on our desk for a year . I walked by it the other day and though , " I should really take care of that before this Christmas . " Part of the problem was that I didn 't have a good profile shot of Aiden from the time he got his first hair cut . Instead , I used a current photo . I plan to put both a current lock and the hair from his first haircut in the photo frame . I still haven 't put that all together , as I need to trim his hair first . But here 's the ornament : Funny story . My friend Linsey has a cousin , who is married to a retired baseball player . Because of this , she was chosen to star in a reality show called Baseball Wives on VH1 . The first episode airs tonight at 8 : 00 pm Central time . I thinking knowing this woman is Linsey 's cousin will make the show a little more interesting for me . Linsey is the most sweet and polite southern belle I have ever met . I don 't think she has much in common with her cousin . See for yourself : The rest of the weekend was great for me . Sadly , Travis had to work all day Friday and most of Saturday . Aiden and I had it off . At the beginning of the week , I noticed that Aiden was acting really cranky and he had a little cough when he first woke up . I was checking his temperature every morning . Monday it was normal , Tuesday it was a degree high , Wednesday it was at 100 degrees . When Travis was getting him dressed , he pointed to his ear and said it was ouchy . How amazing is that ? He told us what was bothering him ! That has never happened ! In the past , we knew something was wrong because he wasn 't eating , or he was cranky , or he slept a lot . But we had to go to the doctor to figure out what it was . Sometimes we never really found out exactly what the problem was . He 's totally growing up . I 'm sure someone will frown on this . I took him to daycare that morning . I gave him ibuprofen before we left the house , but I had so much to do at work that I had to get in . I was hoping they wouldn 't call me before noon to come pick him up . I got my wish . I was able to get him after work and take him to Urgent Care . I called that morning and his regular doctor 's office was busy all day . I 'm not surprised , being that it was the day before a holiday . We waited for about two hours I think . It seemed like forever . There was a woman in the waiting room with a little boy , 3 or 4 years old I would guess . He was sleeping on a chair by the fish tank - Aiden 's favorite area . So of course every time Aiden went back there and would try to talk to me ( talk , not yell or scream ) , the mom would shush him and say , " He 's sleeping . Shhhhh . " Gah . I understand that sometimes it can seem so important that your child sleep , but geez lady . He was just saying , " Fish , Mommy ? " as he was pointing at the fish tank . I tried to keep him out of that back waiting area from then on , but I didn 't try too hard . Sure enough , Aiden had an ear infection . I 'm so happy we were able to get medication for that before the 4 - day weekend . Thanksgiving could have been a lot more difficult . So ! Friday morning , I got up BEFORE DAWN and tried out a little Black Friday shopping . It was my first time to go out the day after Thanksgiving . Honestly I was a little nervous . You always here about people getting trampled to death for a $ 10 toaster . I didn 't want that to be me . I only went to a few stores and only one of them was right at opening . Shoe Carnival opened at 5 am and gave out $ 10 off gift cards to the first 100 people . My friends and I made it in the first 100 ! Plus , they were having great shoe sales . I 've wanted to buy boots since last winter , but could never get over the guilt of such a large purchase . The cheapest boots I could find were $ 60 at Target . If you went to a department store or DSW , forget it . You 'd be spending $ 100 - 200 . As much as I want boots , I 'd rather have groceries . Back to Black Friday - I bought a pair of $ 60 brown boots ( up to my knee ) for 50 % off , plus my $ 10 off gift card . I got a pair of boots for $ 20 ! ! Can 't beat that . Totally made my morning exhaustion - caused nausea worth it . After we all made our purchases , we went to the Sephora next door . We also stopped at Walmart , but I didn 't buy anything else . I had what I wanted and was just along for the ride at that point . I was home , in bed by 6 : 45 . I had to be home by 7 because that 's when Travis leaves for work . I was sure that Aiden would wake up when I got home and I wouldn 't be able to get anymore sleep . But I was wrong ! I got to sleep in until 8 : 30 . Then Aiden climbed in bed with me and we watched Transformers . The rest of the day was pretty lazy . That evening we went to the Ramby 's for dinner . Alexa made a Thanksgiving casserole using leftovers that was absolutely amazing . She heated up some gravy that we poured on top of each serving . If I ever have enough leftovers to make that , I 'll totally be doing it in the future . Mmmmm . . . Thanksgiving was so easy going this year , it was amazing . We went over to Ariel and Robert 's house in the morning to help them clean and cook . Since it was nice out , Ariel decided to do the seating outdoors . Hostess with the mostess We ate around 4 pm , an hour later than planned . Not too bad , considering how things have gone in the past . We invited our friend Scott to dinner since he doesn 't have any family nearby . Ariel 's roommate Bettye and their friends Brandon , Blake and Christy came as well . Dinner was FANTABULOUS . I couldn 't believe it , but none of my green bean casserole was left at the end . I don 't usually feel like that 's a popular item , but apparently everyone liked it the way I made it with fresh green beans . The canned mushy green beans gross me out . I also made a new sweet potato casserole this year . I don 't generally like the sweet potato casserole , so I took control of it it this year . The bottom layer is mashed sweet potatoes , the middle layer is a pecan crumble ( basically it 's pecan pie ) and the top layer is toasted marshmallows . The toasted part was an accident , but it turned out really great . Ariel and Robert fried a turkey and roasted a turkey . The fried turkey was more firm and really hit the spot . Travis and I heated up the honey baked ham he got from his boss . It turned out really great as well . Thankfully we were able to reheat it right before the meal . Aiden LOVES Brandon . Brandon is so good with kids , so I know that helps . Aiden sat in this hammock with him for a good 20 minutes and held on while Brandon rocked the " pirate ship " . After dinner we ate pie : pecan , pumpkin and apple . I made the pecan pie because I was hell - bent on getting it right . For some reason I am only capable of making pecan soup . The stinking thing never firms up . Of course it was pecan soup again this year . We still ate a quarter of the pie . I took the rest of it home and baked it for another 35 minutes . That did the trick . FINALLY . As we were eating dessert , the Luck 's stopped by to say hi ! They were in town to visit family for the holiday . Logan hung out with family while Sara and JR brought Landry over to visit with Aiden . They colored with crayons and played with a magnet set that was Robert 's when he was little . Too cute . I hope everyone had a great holiday ! I enjoyed my 4 - day weekend and was quite reluctant to come into work this morning . If only every month had a 4 - day weekend . . . There are so many things I forgot about while being pregnant . I 've been going through my belly book ( week - by - week play book of what was going on with me during the pregnancy ) and found several things I forgot . One of the symptoms I didn 't remember is the Braxton - Hicks . I had them with Aiden starting at 12 weeks . Braxton - Hicks contractions are minor practice contractions that happen in some pregnancies . They are not debilitating , just annoying . I get them whenever I am active , like when I walk across campus or when I 'm moving boxes around at work . I 've been having them a lot for the past few days . Just in time for busy Thanksgiving ! I 'm already noticing some of the hindering aspects of having a baby bump . It 's larger than it was last time at this point , but it 's not gigantic by any means . Yet . But I have had trouble getting out of the car in parking lots a few times . I can 't just suck this puppy in anymore . I have a feeling things are going to get more difficult when it comes to getting Aiden in his car seat . It 's one thing to slip in through the cramped area . But to stand in it , life a child and then buckle him in . I 'm going to have to start allotting more time to do things so I can let Aiden do more for himself - like climbing in and out of the car . I 'm finding I have much less patience for pregnancy - related problems this time around . I don 't know if it 's because I have to take care of another child or if it 's the lack of newness . Last time it was the first time I was experiencing any of it , and if I wanted to sit all day and take a nap , I did . Oh the days when I was free ! I 'm worried Aiden is going to be sick for Thanksgiving . He woke up the past two mornings with a hoarse cough . No fever yesterday . Today his temperature was elevated one degree . That could be due to his full - on temper tantrum he threw ALL MORNING . I gave him ibuprofen both mornings in case his throat hurts . I tried to ask him if it did , but he didn 't seem to understand me . We are going to do what we did last year and go over to Ariel and Robert 's for Thanksgiving . I 'm going to prepare a few dishes in advance so all I have to do is heat them up when I get over there Thursday . We 'll go over before Aiden 's nap and let him sleep there . That way I can help with the cooking . They are frying one turkey and roasting the other . Lots o ' turkey . We 're hoping to eat at 3pm . That almost never happens on time , but I can hope ! The best part about eating the meal early is then you have room for dessert and possibly leftovers in the evening . Ugh , love that . I did the bulk of my grocery shopping last night . I have to run by a different store tonight to pick up a few items I couldn 't find at the last store . I NEED this place to have pie crusts , because I really don 't want to have to add making a pie crust to my to - do list tonight . As it is , I already need to pick up Aiden , run to the store , drop of the recycling at the center in Galveston , go home to make dinner and then make a pecan pie . All after I get off work at 5 pm . Definitely stopping for coffee this afternoon . We have completed our Christmas shopping for Aiden ! Toys R Us is having a ton of sales through Thanksgiving Day , so we wanted to get him done first . The trick is to keep all that stuff hidden for a month . I 'm sure that will get more difficult down the road . Now we can focus on gifts for the rest of the family . My dad won 't be coming for Christmas . He 's going to try to come in January or February , but it depends on his work . I 'm not sure if Brenda will be able to make it - she 's still up in the air . Travis still has to talk to his dad , but he usually can 't make it because he has plans with his girlfriend or he has to work . My mom is planning to come for a month , so she will be here for Christmas . With her , we always draw names out of a hat for gifts . None of us are particularly well off . That coupled with traveling for my mom and buying food for the celebrations for Ariel and I , makes for a very expensive month . Drawing names out of a hat helps alleviate some of that . Now that we have Aiden , we get to watch him open lots of gifts on Christmas morning . That has quickly become my favorite part of the holiday . I 'm sure this year will be even better . Aiden enjoys so many things now . He will love everything he gets . Travis and I usually don 't get each other gifts for Christmas anymore . We generally don 't have the funds for it . This year , we thought we 'd be buying a dishwasher , but I think we might be able to postpone that until after the holiday season . It 's holding on at the moment . Barely . Com ' on kitchen appliance ! Hold on for just a while longer ! ! Travis bought an iPhone a week ago , but it 's on backorder . He is supposed to get it by Friday . Only 50 % of his current touch screen works . We can 't afford to get one for each of us at the same time . I 'm hoping to get one soon after Christmas . It seems like my phone senses that I 'm ready for a new one because it is going bezerk more often than it used to . The number one reason I want an iPhone now is for a decent touch screen . I CANNOT stand it when my touch screen doesn 't work . My current phone is so bad that it won 't even recalibrate . It frustrates me to no end . I am thankful I bought a flip phone with an actual keyboard on the inside . I don 't even use the main screen of my phone anymore . I go straight to the inside . Oh the problems in my life . It 's been a busy week . I feel like I 'm running around at work trying to keep up half the time . Then the other half of the time there is NOTHING to do . That 's typical in a lab though . Your assays need to incubate for a certain amount of time and there 's generally only so many things you can clean or tidy up on during the incubations . I think the reason it 's getting on my nerves so bad this week is because I have had some headaches from hell . I talked to my doctor about it . She said it could be pregnancy , it could be the Zofran , or it could just been from my previous neck problems . The difficulty is that I 'm limited on what medication I can take to treat the headache . In the past , ibuprofen has always worked will for me . Sadly , I can only take acetaminophen while pregnant . It doesn 't help . These headaches just barrel on through my day . It makes the nausea worse . So when I turn my head , I feel sick . Or maybe the nausea is causing the headaches ? Gah , I don 't know . I 've also been pretty busy after work this week . Monday night I went on an impromptu girl 's night out with a friend from work who recently quit to work at another hospital in Houston . She 's been having a rough month and I haven 't seen her for a while , so I went out even though I had prior plans for a girl 's night out Thursday . We went to get pedicures , but I forgot my wallet . So I just sat and chatted while everyone else was pampered . Then they all went out to dinner and thankfully bought my meal . I totally owe them ! Last night I went with a few girls to see Breaking Dawn on opening night . I knew it was a bad idea , but I did it anyway . Didn 't want to miss out on the fun . One of my friends from work has a movie theater membership card so she was offered tickets to see the 8 pm showing . We got to the theater an hour early , thinking we might not get awesome seats , but I figured we wouldn 't get front row . I thought wrong . Lucky for us , no one was in the front row yet , so we were right in the middle ! It was horrible . I got dizzy during several scenes . There was oOur biggest joke last night was that Jasper is the constipated vampire . He always looks like he needs to take a giant crap . But the books explain that he constantly struggles with the need to drink Bella . He 's struggling with hunger , not digestion . Overall , it was good . I would like to see it again from a better seat . I do plan to buy this movie eventually . I need to buy the rest of the Harry Potter movies and I think I still need the last Twilight movie that came out . I 'm a little behind on that . Later , later , later ! Seriously , it 's gigantic . Unreal . PS - That 's my tough face . Feels tougher than it looks . I was looking at photos from my pregnancy with Aiden and I think the shape of my belly is different . It 's more torpedo - like this time . I know it 's not a direct comparison because one is shirts and one is skins , but here is my photo at 16 weeks ( two weeks further along than I am now ) with Aiden : Whenever people see me wearing a fitted shirt at work they say , " WOW . You are going to be HUGE . " Did you see me last time ? If that wasn 't huge , then what was it ? Gah . I know I 've already mentioned it , but the nausea is way worse this time . It is affecting my diet . Nothing ever sounds good . The only things that ever sound remotely edible are fresh things , like fruits , vegetables and salads . Cheese and water crackers usually make the list . Occasionally pasta is on there as well . It sounds a LOT like my cravings last time . Lately , I 've only needed the Zofran ( anti - nausea ) every third day . It used to be every other day , if not every day . I have hope that it will disappear completely . Please . Saturday we had more big plans . Travis had to work that morning . Aiden and I took it easy at home . We played outside for a while and I folded some laundry . I got him to take a nap on his own . It took almost 45 minutes , but that 's better than an hour ! When Aiden woke up , we played for a bit , then got ready to go out . We went to Galveston for the Moody Garden Festival of Lights opening day . I 've been in the past and was really disappointed . I thought they would decorate Moody Gardens with lights . Instead , they have various shapes wrapped in lights , including Christmas items , safari animals , underwater animals and more . I 'm assuming those non - Christmas decorations are supposed to represent the two pyramids at Moody Gardens : the Rainforest and the Aquarium . Since it was opening day , there were various additional attractions . There were two small reindeer for the kids to gawk at . . . Then Santa sailed in on a parachute with two of his elves . . . We went with lots of friends : The Ramby 's ( minus Chris , plus Alexa 's mom ) , the Yeager 's and the Yeager 's friends that we 've hung out with a few times . I really like them . They 're fun - loving people who like to joke around . My kind of entertainment ! As disappointed as I may have been by the lights last time I enjoyed it so much more with Aiden . He is so amazed at everything . I love watching the wonder through his eyes . At the end of the lit path , there was a fenced in area with snow ! ! Next to the palm trees ! Without a coat , hat and mittens ! You had to pay $ 6 cash to enter the snow area . We only had $ 5 left , so we told Aiden we couldn 't do the snow . He looks up at us with those big blue eyes and says , " But snow , Mommy . Snow ! " I was immediately digging in my purse for a dollar 's worth of change . Aiden slipped and fell while walking into the enclosure . He was a little shocked at the cold temperature , so he started crying . I told him it was okay , and when he stopped crying he looked at his hands and said , " Ice ? " Smart kid . After I coaxed him back into the enclosure , with a little help this time , he really enjoyed himself . Since adults weren 't allowed in , Aiden waddled over to where we were standing near the fence and Travis tossed him a few snow balls . Then Aiden threw them back . He was so excited . It was adorable . We had to keep yelling at him not to eat the snow . " There won 't be any snow left if you eat it all ! " Aiden and I had a full three - day weekend . Unfortunately , it was Travis ' weekend to be on call . So he had to work Friday and Saturday morning . I didn 't want to stay home the whole time , so I made plans for Aiden and I to get out of the house . Friday morning , we went to a park we 've never been to before . It had lots of structures for Aiden to play on and there were several trails and ponds . First I let Aiden run around with the other kids on the playground . The structures seemed to be aimed at various age groups . The one closest to the parking lot was the least scary one for me . It was low to the ground , with lots of virtually risk - free things to play with . The one furthest from the playground ( there were 4 structures within walking distance ) was the one Aiden liked the best . It had the highest slide that he kept climbing to and going down . I call those types of slides tornado slides because it spirals all the way down . It prevents the kids from shooting off the end when they get to the bottom . After the playground , we walked over to the nearest pond to see if we could find any wildlife . We saw three turtles and a ton of dragonflies . We walked down one trail for a bit , but then had to turn around because I was getting hungry . I get more panicky that usual these days when I get hungry . I live in constant fear of setting off the nausea . One of the serious downsides of my fear of hunger and the resulting nausea is that I find myself eating out more often than I 'd like . Generally , I only eat out zero to two times a week ( including breakfast , lunch , and / or dinner ) . The fast food grease makes me feel really bad about myself and I find that I don 't get enough fiber in my diet when I eat out frequently . But for the past few months , I have been eating out two to four times a week . If I am out of the house and I get hungry , I don 't wait until I get home . I immediately pull into the nearest drive thru and proceed to shove face . So , Friday when we left the park , I realized it was already noon . We usually eat lunch at 11 : 30 and Aiden naps at 12 : 30 . I wanted to go to the grocery store before we got home , so I opted for eating out . Again . I didn 't know the area very well , so I just drove until I saw something easy that sounded good with Aiden along . Cici 's Pizza ! Ha ! Travis hates going there because he said he always ends up spending hours on the toilet after that place . I don 't know if he 's serious , but if I could have that side effect , I would be GRATEFUL . Pregnancy is not the best on an already iffy digestive system . Turns out , kids 3 and under eat for free ! I only had to pay for myself , and it 's not an expensive place to start with ( salad , pasta and pizza buffet ) . That helped with the financial guilt that I usually feel after eating out as well . Aiden was so spoiled this weekend . We went to the park , we had pizza for lunch AND he got to watch cartoons while he ate lunch . That rarely happens at home . After lunch we went to the grocery store , then headed home for nap time . I 'm trying to get Aiden to go down for nap time on his own . He does fine at night when it 's dark in his room , but it 's always been a struggle during the day when he can easily see all his toys . I have to go in his room every 5 minutes to tell him to stop playing with his toys and get back in bed . It 's so time consuming because that takes 30 minutes to an hour . We 've been going in and laying on the futon in his room so he would stay in bed . Half the time we fall asleep in there too . But we need to stick with it this so we can have our noon time back ! Friday night I had a couple girls over from work for dinner . I made lasagna for the first time and I think it turned out pretty good . We watched Bad Teacher . It was okay . I had a hard time getting into the love interest at the end because I didn 't think they made a good couple . It was a comedy though , so that didn 't entirely ruin it for me . Travis put Aiden to sleep , so I got a little break there . It was a busy day , but it was nausea - free . That made it awesome . I grew up in central Illinois , but moved south of Houston , Texas in 2002 . I live with my husband Travis , son Aiden and daughter Mila in our first home . Most of our time is spent doing things as a family and I love it ! I also live with two cats and some fish . I work as a safety specialist at a research hospital and hope to make it my career . Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you stopped by . |
Yesterday Kade told me his throat hurt . He still went to school . On the way home from school he was talking about not wanting to miss any days of school . Fast forward to this morning . I had to wake Kade up which is unusual . He 's usually greeting me as I open his door . This should have been my first clue . He was then slow to get moving . He came downstairs dressed but complaining of a sore throat . He was warm but didn 't have a fever . He asked to stay home . He didn 't look right so I said okay . I was nice and let him lay on the couch to watch some Backyardigans episodes . He hasn 't watched that in a looong time . Later I asked him if we could go to a store or two . After a little arm twisting and a promise to visit the library we left . You know , I have really missed my shopping buddy . I haven 't had much fun at Hobby Lobby by myself . I have to save all my excited chatter for Mickey to get home from work . While at HL Kade even came up with a craft he wanted to do , under my supervision of course . We ended our trip with a stop at DQ for 1 / 2 priced shakes . After all he did have a sore throat . This week and last Mat 's class has been observing the night sky as part of their science unit . The students are to go out around the same time every night to see what they can see . This week has been a lot of cloudy nights but last week we saw a lot of stars . Mickey found a great website with an interactive sky map and a currently over your head map . It 's helped us figure out what star is what . I 've kind of gotten into all the star gazing since I 'm the one that 's been helping her most . Mickey mentioned something about knowing what to get me for Christmas , a telescope . That would be pretty cool . I 'd have to find a better star gazing spot though . I had the opportunity to serve the community last week , today , and next week . A woman at church signed up our ward / congregation to do a weekly route for Meals on Wheels . When you sign up you 're in for a 3 week stint . The first week I was trained by the previous person ( her kid was sick so I got the afore mentioned woman ) , this week I go it alone , and next week I train somebody new . I was a little worried about going by myself . I didn 't want to get lost and take forever , so I took my dad with me . He has a GPS in his head after he studies a map . Pretty cool . I put the sign in the van window and off we went . We delivered 18 meals , in the on and off again rain , in about an hour and a half . Not bad . Hopefully we left those 18 people a little happier . Last week when I met the woman at the kitchen to pick up the food I couldn 't get over how many elderly people participate in this program as deliverers not recipients . It 's amazing . If I didn 't already have a few commitments I would consider having a weekly route of my own . It 's a good way to serve / give back to the community . What are some ways you serve / give back ? I went to bed with it last night and woke up feeling even worse . I got the kids off to school and went right back to bed . Luckily our velvet curtains keep out a lot of light . I had to cancel my lunch plans and was glad I didn 't have anything else to do today except pick up the kids . Somehow I managed that and found my way back to my bed . I guess it 's officially Autumn . The weather has sure been behaving like it 's Fall , in the 50s and 60s and lots of rain ( although lots of rain makes me think of Spring and not Fall , but it 's not snow so I 'll take it ) . The leaves on some trees are already starting to change colors . I 'm not ready for winter yet . Slow down , Mother Nature , and let us enjoy a little Indian Summer . Please . As I wandered around outside today I saw something that has survived all the rain and some of the 30 degree temps we 've had at night . ( It also survived my taming of the jungle . ) One of the many lessons you need to learn to become an independent person is how to use the microwave . This is not something I learned to use until I was an older child , seeing as they weren 't invented yet ( no comments about my age ) and they were probably expensive when first available . I do use the microwave several times a day now . I have on occasion given the kids little lessons on how to reheat certain foods . It seems that Kade is behind in his lessons , until today . - This afternoon we were having quiet time like we always do after church and a snack . Mickey was going to be gone all day at a meeting in Indy so I really needed some rest to get through the rest of the day . When the hour was up the kids got out of their rooms and decided to watch a show / movie . This is totally allowed . I could hear what they were up to while I laid in bed reading . I could hear them getting into the refrigerator and using the microwave . No worries . Then it happens . I hear Kade yelling like he 's scared . Meg starts yelling at Kade . Then they 're screaming for me . I put my book down and get out of bed . By this time I hear the popping . It 's not like popcorn , it 's more powerful . I 'm running down the stairs telling them to stop the microwave . Meg finally does but she 's still yelling at Kade . Kade is crying , almost hysterically . I tell Kade it 's alright but he 's still crying . I try to calm Meg . She 's still worked up but I finally get her to stop yelling . The event really freaked her out . I explain to her that Kade is only 6 and doesn 't know any better . I also remind her that I 'm the mom and she doesn 't need to be yelling at Kade . I 'll handle it . I turn back to Kade . It takes a few minutes to calm him down . He was pretty shaken too . ( By this point I 'm surprised at how calm I 've remained through the ordeal . Good for me . ) After he calmed down we had a little talk about not putting metal in the microwave . He told me he didn 't put metal in the microwave it was a CapriSun . He was trying to thaw a frozen one to get it out of the pouch to put in a bowl so he could chop it up and eat it . I pointed out to him that the pouch was shiny like foil , both have some metal in them . I also told him a better way to thaw a CapriSun using a bowl of hot water . The photo is a reenactment . I was not with it enough to take a picture . I was thinking of only getting Kade calmed down . I 'm thinking he 'll never put anything shiny in the microwave again . Lesson learned , the hard way . This evening we had Meg 's family party . ( We 're finally done with birthdays for a while . Yippee ! ) Most of the family came . We ate , talked , played , and ate some cake . One of Meg 's presents was a little big and quite a surprise . It was Justin Bieber . Not in the flesh but in cardboard . We have a little Bieber Fever going on in our house . Meg likes him . Kade is always singing his songs while listening to his iPod . The rest of the gifts for the birthday girl were cards . Always a good gift . After Meg opened her card from Nana & Papa my mom said the money was to go towards her golf cart fund . Yes , you read that right . The kid wants a golf cart . Is that a normal teen birthday wish ? Her other wish was a dog . Don 't think that 's coming true anytime soon either . Posted by I was inspired one day to make cheesy bread after reading this post . I was craving some cheesy bread when I finished reading and had to try it . I didn 't grill it , nor have I ever grilled a pizza ( maybe some day ) , it was boringly baked in the oven . I made the dough in my bread maker , since I 'm a failure at getting yeast rise . I used my own recipe but it 's very similar to the one on the post . I made enough dough for two large " loaves " . ( Both times I 've made it we had company so please don 't think we 're total pigs . ) The second time I made it ( pictured above ) I let the dough rise some before baking it . It was better that way , more bread like . It 's also yummy warmed up in the microwave the next day . It doesn 't sit around long . All summer I have avoided working outside as much as I could . I 'm not sure why . This means the weeds grew about " as high as an elephant 's eye " . Last week and today I have been claiming back the flowerless flower beds . I 've also shown some bushes who 's boss . ( The next time they , the ones on the left , are going to be cut right out of the ground . ) With Mickey 's allergies being bad lately the yard has also fallen to me . Here 's some of my work . I should have gotten a before shot , it was B . A . D . You 'll have to use your imagination . This is only part . I have cleaned up right behind the house too . Well , mostly , to use Mattey 's phrase . Now I need to find someone willing to help me take out some bushes and dig out some baby and not to baby trees so I can have a garden next year . For years Press , Ganey ( the company Mickey works for ) would have a family picnic in the summer . It was usually at a local park . The meat and drinks were provided but employees would bring dishes to share . ( Very much like our church picnics . ) For some reason , possibly the company got huge making the cost too high , the picnics stopped . It 's been several years since they had one . Then last month Mickey gets an e - mail saying the picnic was going to be held again . It was held at the park across the river from the PG campus . As we walked across the bridge this is what we saw . This is nothing like the picnics used to be . They were giving out cotton candy and snow cones . The big tents had the food . Everything was provided . PG hired a party service and they did a great job . The food offerings were burgers , chicken , potato salad , chips , sour crout ( ewh ) , and lots of cookies to pick from . There were bounce houses everywhere and a dj playing music . This is what we , and by we I mean Mickey and the kids , did . On Sunday a guy at church made Kade an origami crane . He quickly became obsessed with learning origami . He has been asking to get a book to learn how . We didn 't have time yesterday to go to the library but we did this evening . We found about seven books and left with three . We dropped Mat off at her activity and went to Michael 's to get some special paper . He couldn 't wait . Kade looked at the books all the way home wondering which one I thought he should make first . I told him we 'd better find the easier ones and choose one of those . That sounded good to him . Until we got home and he 's raring to go , flipping through books again , and wanting to make them all . We finally chose the barking wolf . It didn 't look too hard and wasn 't five pages worth of instructions like the fighter plane he wanted to make . We , or I , had some difficulties . I am a visual learner and sometimes didn 't understand which way the arrows were pointing . ( We probably should have looked for a video like this instead of using a book . ) I decided the best way to show Kade what to do was to make a wolf myself . So I read the directions and tried my best to follow them . Kade watched and tried his best to copy me . ( We both need to perfect precise folds . ) In the end we didn 't have enough time to finish because we had to pick up Mat . I worked a little more on them and after peeking at the video I linked above I think I know how to finish what I didn 't understand . Even though we didn 't finish Kade still wants to make origami . He did tell me it was harder than he thought it would be . I wasn 't around when the crane was created but I 'm assuming the guy that made the crane whipped it out in no time making it look super easy . Posted by He wanted to go bowling so we all went with him . Mickey and the kids had fun . Meg somehow beat everyone with Mat coming in second and Mickey just escaped ( in the last frame ) being in last place . How did that happen ? A while ago I found this and wanted to make something like it for the living or family room . I searched the internet for a map . Found one on Amazon . ( I didn 't link it because I don 't know that I 'd recommend it for this project . It had a protective finish on it and maybe could have been some of the problem ? ) The map came quick only to sit in the studio for a few weeks . I finally got around to buying the canvases ( 40 % off ) and the Mod Podge . I cut the map in pieces to fit the canvases . I had to trim them all before gluing them . I guess I should have gotten an accurate measurement of the canvases before cutting instead of taking the packing at its word . I glued the map to the canvas . I checked back later and saw several bubbles in all the maps . Not good . I put the canvases upside down on the table with books on top hoping to flatten the bubbles . Not much help . I was ready to give up but then decided to finish off the project and see how it looked . To finish I had to Mod Podge over the top of the map . This made the existing bubbles get bigger . I was not happy . When they were dry I stacked them up facing the wall . I didn 't want to see them . I talked to Mickey about my failure and came to realize it didn 't have to be perfect ( or close to it ) . The imperfections might give it character . So we hung them today before the youth and youth leaders came over for a fireside ( SED ) . After the last home game Meg said she didn 't want to go to another game . I don 't really blame her . So the question was , who was going with Mickey today ? Me or Kade ? ( Mattey told us from the get go that she wasn 't ever going to a game . ) Kade announced he was going . ( This was at the beginning of the week and not today . ) I kind of wanted to go . The weather was going to be lovely and I was hoping ND would come through with a win . You know " Third times the charm " and all . Kade wavered over whether he was really going or not . I told him he had to decide because I needed to know if I had to finish my shirt by today or not . Well , Kade went . ( Now I can procrastinate even longer since I have three weeks until the next home game . ) I dropped the boys off right on campus and away they went . They hung out to watch the players walk by . They each got a couple hugs from our friends . This impressed a friend of Mickey 's who was standing with them . They grabbed some snacks , found their seats , and waited for the game to begin . Since I wasn 't there , but I did watch the game on tv , I can 't tell you everything that happened in our seats . But you can check out the pictures . I can 't wait until it 's my turn to go . I want one of those big snow cones . I 'll try not to stain my chin though . I also hope ND keeps up the better play and continues to win . Go Irish ! Meg wanted to have some friends over to celebrate her birthday . ( I should be totally embarrassed about the invitations she handed out but it seems my card making days are few and very far in between . One mom told us of the invitation . It consisted of some info scribbled on a torn piece of paper . I think we should have at least passed out a map . Mickey had to talk two different parents to our house . One called three times . ) Only a few friends could make it but a low turnout doesn 't mean you can 't have fun . When the guests arrived they chowed down on pizza ( the ultimate teen food ) and then the 360 got turned on for some fun ( and to burn some calories ) . They played Dance Central and Fruit Ninja . Meg opened her gifts and then they went out to play . I had to call them in for dessert which was a big cookie from Martin 's . I think they all had fun . I know Meg did . They were all rather loud . When the last kid left I thought I had finally gone deaf . I honestly couldn 't remember too much . She didn 't grow as fast as Kade but it has been 13 years and my brain has gone through three pregnancies . Need I say more ? She thought they were good but I didn 't . While at the store later I picked up some Jiffy muffin mixes . We 'll try those with a glaze . The birthday girl went to school . In 7th grade you don 't bring in treats for the class since you have about 6 different ones . Mickey picked her up from school , which she was happy about . Then she opened her presents . Nothing too exciting , since she has everything she wants , within reason that is . She got some fun books and a DS game . Then Meg and I visited the library . I guess she didn 't get enough books . Then we had tacos for dinner , her request . Then we ate the yummy cake . Don 't you want a piece ? It was so good . I just played around and put stuff together . The " cake " is a brownie . I frosted it with Duncan Hynes Dark Chocolate Fudge frosting . We love that stuff . Then topped with cherry pie filling . I went to Hobby Lobby yesterday . The gift cards from my birthday were burning a hole in my pocket , so to speak . I had a few things in mind that I " needed " for bare spots in the house . Last week I had gone to Kohl 's to get part of Mickey 's birthday present . I found some candles I couldn 't live without . Let me rephrase that . I could live without the candles , it was more the color of the candles that I " needed " to add to the family room . I have been on the hunt for some deep pumpkin / reddish - orange items to add a pop to the blue and green I 've got going on in the family room . The only thing I have is the flower ball on the mantle . . . . . . . which I love . The flowers needed some assistance in achieving the pop I want . So the candles were perfect . Besides being the right color they also have a lovely fragrance that reminds me of pumpkin pie . Thankfully the smell doesn 't make me hungry . So I 've had these candles sitting out for a few days . ( Kade saw them and called them smoke bombs . Not really the reaction I was going for . ) They needed a little something to help them stand out . I found that something . These candle stands really give them some importance . Don 't you think ? The best part is they were 50 % off ! I 'm still on the hunt for more of this lovely color but I 'm having a hard time finding it . Every time I think I see a fabric / pillow / rug / wall art with blue , green , brown , and this orange it turns out to be red and that is not what I want . Stay tuned for more of the items I picked up yesterday . I plan on getting some projects done in the next few days . In fact I started one today but I don 't know if it 's going to turn out . The paper has bubbled up from the glue . Not sure what I 'm going to do about that . Live and learn , right ? Or should I say craft and learn ? Meg , the Young Women , and their leaders made applesauce at church tonight . They boiled apples and put them through some kind of strainer devise that separated the good stuff from the waste . ( Mickey was rather intrigued by it . I was waiting for him to tell me he was going to buy one so I could make him applesauce . He didn 't but I probably will still make applesauce . ) She couldn 't wait to eat it . Mickey said he 'd have to doctor it up before he ate it . He said they didn 't put any sugar or cinnamon in it . Poor baby . Something else that Meg came home with tonight was a braid in her hair . I couldn 't believe it ! I 've been after her for months to let me do something with her hair . She has always vehemently refused and then run away . Somehow she got talked into letting one of her leaders play with her hair . The braid was no ordinary braid . It started on the side of her head and went up and over along her hairline , kind of like a headband . She liked the braid so much that when she showered later she washed her hair around it . I guess I 'll have to get some braiding lessons from Sister L . For the last four weeks Mickey has been sick with allergies . He didn 't sleep well on Saturday and decided he would not set his alarm for this morning . He wanted to sleep as long as he could . ( It wasn 't too long since my alarm 's set for 6 : 30 . ) He did sleep in , waking every so often . He was still feeling pretty crappy when he got up . I suggested he call the doctor 's office to see if he could get in . He got an appointment . He was quickly diagnosed with a sinus infection . He picked up his Rx and came home . He set up camp in front of the tv so he could play some video games . I suppose that 's relaxing . The picture does not do the bonding time justice . I should have taken some video . They played for about an hour . Then they got some reading in for Kade 's homework . And if that wasn 't enough bonding they went and got haircuts too . Then they had to play some more games . ( The picture is post haircut . ) A friend of mine really likes the Vera Bradley bags . She gets a new one ( or a few ) every year . She was going through her older ones , thinning them out , and decided to send a few our way . Not for me , for the girls . I did snag one for myself though . The girls both carry these to church . I believe that 's the only place they really take them so far . Although Meg did take hers with her when she baby - sat . I can 't wait until they start carrying them more often . That should be less for me to carry . Maybe someday I 'll go purse free and they can carry my important things . Kade had his first soccer game this morning . He is so happy to be on the same team as his friend Noah . Their team didn 't score many goals today but they did have fun . To me that 's all that really matters . We were sitting on the side lines with the Stones cheering on the team . It was Kade 's turn for a goal kick . He really gave it all he had . I was rather impressed with the effort that went into this kick . I had to look at the picture again . Look at that leg extension . Kade sometimes talks of playing football but I usually try to steer him in the direction of something like baseball or tennis . Maybe sticking with soccer would be a good idea . Then maybe he could become a kicker for a football team , if he still wants to play . This morning I went back to bed . It was one of those days . I had finally fallen asleep . Of course this would be the perfect time to get a phone call from one of the kids . It was Mat . She had forgotten her flute . I 'm such a great mom * I threw on some clothes , washed my face , and grabbed the flute to take it to her . She has band on A days . B days , it 's P . E . She is new to this kind of schedule and will probably take another week or so to remember her flute on the right days . The instruments were actually pulled out and used in band today . Mat wasn 't too thrilled with the " song " they all played together . ( Play a note for 4 counts and stop . Repeat 4 times . ) This was not music to her ears . In fact she told me she was ready to quit and really wanted to take art instead . She was informed that wasn 't an option since we already bought the flute . She wasn 't happy but later she settled down and played the lovely " song " for us . I know band won 't be easy or fun to begin with but I 'm sure it will get better . Maybe I need to look into private lessons for her ? * The secretary at the school couldn 't believe how many times I 've come in bringing something for the girls . This is only the second time this year but Meg needed a lot of things last year with her foot . She commented that her mom couldn 't or wouldn 't bring stuff to school for her . I will be better at reminding Mat about her flute . I already go to the school once a week for the library . I don 't need to go much more than that . Today has been crazy busy for me and on top of that it 's Mickey 's birthday . It didn 't really sneak up on me but what I had been planning to do for him I put off until sometime next year . ( I need to do some more research . ) So that left me yesterday with no plans . Mickey was nice and suggested a few items he 'd like . For the cake I was thinking of just getting a big cookie from Martin 's but I couldn 't do it . So I made a cake right after the kids left . While it baked I got ready to leave . Then the craziness began : two stores , drop off groceries , an hour at the school library , lunch with the birthday boy , another store , a few minutes at home then off to pick up the kids , make a quick banner , get dinner started , wrap presents , and then Mickey came home . Told you , crazy . Mickey 's day was full of edible goodness . His boss brought in doughnuts to celebrate . He got stuffed at lunch ( Ho Ping House ) . He was just getting hungry again right before dinner ( beef stew ) . He only had room for a sliver of chocolate cake . Too bad because it was good . Our parents came by this evening and Mickey opened his presents . My last errand was to get the one thing he 's talked about wanting for several months . A Notre Dame shirt . Not just any shirt , though . It 's ClimaLite . ( I can hardly stand to touch the fabric . ) I have not been able to see the top of my dresser , or Mickey 's either , for a while . It has bothered me enough that I had to clean it . Not only did I find the top of the dressers but I also found a not so thin layer of dust . No wonder Mickey 's allergies have been so bad . I took care of the dust with lemon scented Pledge and a microfiber cloth . Now I have a nice clean surface . Much better . Remember this post where I complained about the " Classroom Find " Kade 's school had ? And there was a promise of meeting the teacher almost two weeks into school ? Tonight was that night . After school Kade told me that we had to be in the gym at 6 : 30 . We would be there for a little bit and then meet the teacher for 10 minutes . I got the first part but didn 't really understand what he meant by " meet the teacher for 10 minutes " . That 's a long time for the teacher to spend with one family but whatever . We got there before 6 : 30 . We weren 't the only ones early . We walked to the gym . Found that chairs and risers were set out for families to sit on . All the teachers were on display , standing at the front of the room . There was a projector pointed at a screen showing us helpful things . At 6 : 30 the principal welcomed us and started her spiel . She introduced the teachers and told us a few things about the school year . Honestly , it wasn 't anything new . The teachers were released to their classrooms . A few minutes later we were dismissed to find our child ( ren ) 's teacher . We knew exactly where we had to go since we had the very informative " Classroom Find " . And maybe it was because Kade had already been going to the right classroom for 8 days ? Maybe not . We were the first family to get to the room . Kade 's teacher , who is very lovely by the way , greeted us and we all introduced ourselves . ( Mrs . J . and I already met on the first day of school . ) We were shown where we needed to sign in and sign up for activities for the year . As we did this more families came in occupying the teacher 's attention . Kade proudly showed us his desk . Soon after the teacher began her presentation of how the school year would go . What she would teach . How the homework folder worked . Etc . Then the principal started talking over the loud speaker and told the teachers to wrap up their presentations because they needed to switch groups in 3 minutes . What ? She just started . About 1 - 1 / 2 minutes later the principal dismissed the groups . What happened to 3 minutes ? My organizing and type A brain understands what the principal was trying to do but , as a parent , I just have to say it didn 't work . Isn 't orientation something you do before you start something important ? Like starting school . I 'm so glad that I had a few minutes on the first day of school to talk about Kade to Mrs . J . I would have liked a few more minutes but you don 't always get what you want . That 's why I signed up to be room mom and hopefully I can go in every week to help in the classroom . I 'm sure the school year will be fine . Like I said , we really like the teacher . She 's got a lot of energy and seems to like what she 's doing . For Mother 's Day Mickey told his mom he would set up a family photo shoot with a friend of ours . It finally happened today . Everyone was home . The weather couldn 't have been better . Our church pew is full of family members . Both sets of parents sit with us . It 's nice to have 5 adults against the 3 kids , especially since Mickey 's not sitting with me . The children should be old enough to behave themselves but they have their moments . To help keep the kids quiet during church the grandmothers have been providing them with paper , writing instruments , and other quiet items . Kade sat by me today . Nana gave him a little notebook and some colored pens . He got right to work making me a picture . Knowing him it had to be a pattern . If you look closely you can see he alternated the glitter ink and the non - glitter ink . Today was the Notre Dame home opener . Kelly was planning on attending this game with me , but a headache and lots of bright sunshine really don 't mix , so Megan was given the first option to come since her birthday is coming soon . She quickly accepted not knowing what she was in for . Our Hawaiian friends invited us to ride with them , since one of the perks they enjoy is a very close parking spot . We started our day around 10 : 15am . Megan and I helped make some Leis that would later be handed out to some of the players during the pregame walk . We then hung around chatting and meeting lots of happy tailgaters . A little before 1 , we found our ideal spot to watch the pregame walk . It was under a little tree that provided us with a little shade from the sun that was starting to heat up . The team was running behind schedule so we ended up waiting for a while before the players came by . There was lots of cheering , handshaking , and some mad scrambling to make sure all the right players got their Leis . It was then over to the stadium for some much needed nourishment . Megan had a footlong hot dog , which proved to be a little too much for her , and I had the pulled pork sandwich . A quick walk through the air conditioned Joyce Center provided some relief in more ways than one . Entering the stadium , we luckily found our friends and made plans for meeting up after the game , since our seats were a couple of sections over from theirs . We walked through the concourse and finally found the entrance to our section . We stepped through the entrance and the view already looked pretty good . It was then that we realized that our designated seats were still about 20 rows down the stairs ( i . e . closer to the field . ) At this point the sun was about as hot as it could possibly be and Megan was starting to feel it . There was also some really loud pregame music that wasn 't helping with her headache . We left our seats to retrieve some ibuprofen from the first aid station . We made it back to our seats , just in time for the opening kickoff . The Irish started out on fire but quickly fizzled . We had a few moments of clouds that provided relief from the glaring sun and a few teases of rain drops , but otherwise it was brutally hot . A little before halftime the announcer said they were tracking some sever weather heading this way . The first suspension of the game happened soon after . We found our friends and spent the next 2 hours sitting in the concourse waiting for the lightning to stop . The suspension was lifted and since there were some empty seats by our friends , we moved over to watch the rest of the game with them . The Irish tried to make a comeback but there was just too many mistakes . With a little over 4 minutes left in the game , the announcer said they were tracking another storm . This was met by lots of booing . The temperature quickly dropped , the wind picked up , and we were back sitting in the concourse waiting out the second storm . Forty minutes later we were back to watch the Irish make yet another mistake that pretty much sealed the deal . The game ended soon after with ND on the short end of the score . We waited around for the players to come out of the locker room , which was another cool thing to observe although I 'm sure it would have been much cooler had they won . Mickey thought everyone should support the team so we bought 5 . I thought it would make a cool family picture but a certain M refuses to wear it . Darn her . The other two were thrilled to have an ND shirt and can 't wait for their turn to go to a game . Tomorrow 's my turn but it 's supposed to be hot and stormy . I 'm thinking I 'll let someone else go in my place . In other news , Kade had his first soccer practice today . It was very hot today and Mickey said he was drenched in sweat before they came home . I 'm sure his cheeks were redder than his hair . I feel like the drawing was fixed since family members one but then I realized that 3 of the 5 contestants were family . The drawing was done by Kade and witnessed by Mickey , if anyone has a problem with it take it up with the witness . Karren Fam . I 'll put yours in the mail tomorrow . Amanda . . . I guess I 'll see you Sunday ? Sorry it took so long to post but we had company for dinner tonight . ( I had to make a lot of food . ) They flew all the way from Hawaii just to eat with us . Wish I could go back with them . |
March 29 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn My Indie Ink challenge this week brought up some difficult things . I wrote this as fiction because I can 't write it well as anything else yet , but this is pieces of reality from years ago . I was challenged by A Lil Irish Lass with the line " That was something you were never supposed to see . " " Apparently it 's possible to cheat in an open relationship . One of the rules we have is that we always know what 's going on with the other person . If he 'd wanted to sleep with her and he 'd talked to me about it , it would have been all right . I wouldn 't have understood , but I wouldn 't have objected . She 's tall , yes , and young , but not very bright , and her teeth are awful . Of course , so are his , so I suppose that doesn 't matter to him . I 'm rambling about teeth while my boyfriend is screwing someone in my freaking bed . " " What do you mean ? He 's always so sweet to you . I 've seen you overreact a few times , but I 've never seen him angry . " I turned around and pulled up my shirt . The welts from a few nights ago that he 'd applied so carefully after I had embarrassed him in front of his friends were still there , more bruised than red at this point . " He 's not sweet unless there 's an audience . I thought I could be good enough . I thought I was the problem . I thought , if I just worked hard enough , cooked well enough , was smart enough , he 'd stop hurting me . In public he 's so nice . I thought it was my fault . " I pulled my shirt down and turned around . " I just realized how much I 've come to depend on him for my sense of self . I 'm with a man who can cheat in an open relationship and then get angry at me for it . If I go back without someone else coming along , I 'll pay for it tonight . I don 't think I can do that again . " " I don 't even know what to say . I can 't imagine him being abusive to anyone . He 's so gentle . Everyone knows how kind he is ! " Tears were starting to leak out . " Where else would I get welts like that ? It 's an open relationship on his side . The only times I 've done anything were at his direction , and if I even flirted without his say - so he flipped his lid . " " I just don 't believe it . You 're too smart to stay in an abusive relationship . The only people who would do that are stupid or desperate . He 's not that kind of guy , either . He 's sweet and sensitive and cares about people . I can 't believe you 'd say that about him ! " She left , angrily , slamming the door behind her . March 22 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn Another week of the Indie Ink Writing Challenge has arrived . This week I am being challenged by Supermaren . I challenged Sunshine , and she did a good job answering the challenge . I hope I can do Supermaren 's challenge justice ! I 'm not sure I believe in luck , particularly . I am glad I was born basically healthy , because that is something I had no control over . I wasn 't born addicted to anything or brain damaged . In that , I have been lucky . I was raised in a family that values education and supports curiosity . That , too , has been lucky , I suppose . I think most of what people think of as luck comes down to a lot of hard work . I have an MBA not because I am lucky but because I decided I wanted one . I did a distance learning program through the University of Edinburgh while I was working full time . I decided that was important to me . When I lost my job a few years ago due to the economy going in a bad direction , I applied for everything . I took a job I was overqualified for and I worked hard to do it well . As a result , I 'm pretty sure I 've found a career I can be happy with , and I 'm in a better job now . In thinking and talking about this , I realized that there are some people who think they are lucky no matter what their circumstances and some people who think they are unlucky no matter what their circumstances . There are people in Public Housing who consider themselves incredibly lucky to be there because the alternative is not having a place to live . I knew someone in high school , though , who had very rich parents , and he felt quite unlucky because he didn 't get a car for his 16th birthday . He was constantly moaning about how hard his life was , and it frustrated me because he had things like a maid to clean his room and a person who walked his dog for him . I 'm not saying everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps . That 's ridiculous . Your ability to get through life successfully , to have a job good enough to pay the bills and such , is partly dependent on how you were born and raised . If you don 't have the opportunity to develop in a healthy way , both mentally and physically , you will have roadblocks that others do not have . Some people have managed to overcome those roadblocks ; some haven 't . Sheer determination is not always enough , though , and to those people who think that the whole problem with poor people is that they haven 't worked hard enough , I say " Bullshit " . Part of success is being in the right place at the right time . A lot of that equation is knowing the right people who can get you to that place on time . You can sing in a hundred crowded little bars and never get noticed , but if you have a friend who has a friend who knows someone , they can ask a person with some clout to come listen to you . If you don 't make it to that particular bar on time , though , no matter how lucky you are you won 't get a recording contract . If you don 't know an opportunity is there , you can 't take advantage of it . That 's another limitation . If you are great at some sport but you live in a podunk little town and don 't know anything about college scholarships , you aren 't likely to end up being noticed . Unless someone comes to you and opens up the possibilities , you don 't have a chance . You do the best you can with what you have . If you have a dream , if you desperately want something , you might be able to find a way to get there , but you might not . There are a lot of factors involved in this . If you want to call it luck , go ahead . I think , though , that once you start making your own choices about how your life will work , once you are past the point where other people have control over what you can do and eat and read , you make your own luck . You show up for a job interview as prepared as you can possibly be rather than running five minutes behind and not having researched the company at all . You get a job and you work hard to do the best you can . You do what you need to get by . I 'm writing this from a middle class perspective . I will never be upper class unless something huge changes in my life . We don 't expect to make lots of money , but we have enough . At higher and lower levels of society , luck may mean different things . Upper class depends much more on contacts than ability , at least to an extent . Until you have the contacts , you can 't be a serious threat to anyone . You don 't have the clout . Persistence pays off at almost any level . I think my birth and upbringing were lucky . I had a good start . Since then , though , I have made my decisions and made my own luck . I haven 't always made good decisions , but no one does . The water elemental rose up in front of her , knocking her off her feet . She scrambled up , knowing immediately that she only had one shot . She knelt down , aimed carefully , and held down the trigger . The adapted flamethrower erupted , covering all but the highest point of the elemental in flames . The elemental immediately disappeared into a cloud of steam . She sighed , looked around , untangled her horse from a nearby tree where it had gotten caught while trying to run away , and rode into town , flamethrower securely stowed . The problem with using a car around an elemental was that so many things could go wrong . Horses were just easier . Once the horse was settled and she had packed away all of her gear , she went to find food . The townspeople were eager to hear how she had vanquished such an impressive foe . She started by telling them of other elementals , how each needed to be handled differently , and then told the story of tracking this one and hunting it to its death . She had actually never taken down a water elemental before , but , as she had guessed , fire worked well . She finished talking and said she would be getting on her way . As she left , she noticed that the clouds were darker than they had been earlier in the day . She shrugged and decided to ignore it . Having good raingear took care of many discomforts , and it was not more than an hour 's ride to home . No ordinary rain . This came in sheets , seemingly focused on her . She felt the water getting into every possible opening , and within a few minutes , despite being covered in the best rain protection she could buy , she was soaked . The horse was twitchy , clearly unhappy , and kept shifting and jumping . She felt an odd tightening on her skin , as if she were wearing too - tight clothes everywhere . Even her scalp felt like it was being compressed . The water began to move on her body , and she realized , suddenly , that steam was also a water elemental 's form . She hadn 't stopped it , just slowed it down a little . March 8 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn It 's time again for the Indie Ink Challenge ! We started out with just the editors challenging each other , but decided that it would be more fun to open it up and see who wanted to join in . Ever week we are challenged by a different person . This week I 'm being challenged by Andrea . I 'll post the prompt at the end of the story . I 've never been much on writing fiction , but this was rather fun . My Plaid Pants answered my challenge on her blog . " I think that 's a great idea , honeypie . I 've got a tent and we 'll pick you up a sleeping bag . Y ' know , " he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively , " one that 'll zip up with mine . " She smiled at him . " Of course . If I am to be your wife , we need to get to know each other better . Too many people here . " The next weekend they went camping . It was a beautiful spot , a small , quiet lake without too many mosquitoes , even in the middle of summer . She stayed wrapped in a voluminous dress with a large hat until sundown , and then she took off the dress and hat to reveal a swimsuit that covered everything necessary but no more . He looked at her in wonder . " You go swim , and I 'll get the tent set up . Then you can show me how a good Russian wifey cooks for her man . " He wandered off in the direction of the truck , humming tunelessly . After he set up the tent , he came to check on her . When she saw him coming she walked out of the water slowly , making sure that he was paying close attention . She dried herself off and began to work on dinner . When he had finished eating , he leaned back in his chair , let out a satisfied sigh , and burped loudly . " Hey , you ain 't half bad as a cook . Maybe I will keep you around . " He patted his lap , looking around the campsite . " Come on , baby , time to get to know each other better . " She was suddenly beside him . " Of course , " she purred . She settled onto his lap and twined her arms around his neck . " I am looking forward to my dinner now . " He smiled broadly . " Oooh , you like playing games ? I think you should be my teacher and hit me with a ruler . I don 't much like blood games . " She snarled a little . " You are not sharpest marble in flock , are you ? I am going to kill you by drinking your blood . I have never met a man so stupid as you ! " His grin started to fade . " You wanted to marry me . You don 't want to kill me , honeypie . You 're a sweet little thing . " " Not sweet . Not at all . I did not live seven thousand years to be stopped by stupid man . I need food , and you are prey . " A dawning realization began to creep across his face . " But … but … " he sputtered . He grabbed her , threw her away from him , and ran for the truck . She laughed . " All tires are slashed . You will not go anywhere . " Her accent was getting thicker . " Come back , stupid little man . It is dinnertime . " He ran for the woods , but she was suddenly there , still laughing . He lunged for her throat , hands outstretched , and found himself on the ground staring up at her . That sweet face was not quite human anymore , and she looked very hungry . " Ah , " she said as she leaned down and traced her very sharp fingernail along his vein . " I have heard that here , you eat wife when you want her to be happy . I do not know what that means . In Russia , wife eat you . " February 22 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn The Indie Ink challenge has gotten more interesting . Now we 're getting other people involved , and I got a challenge I wouldn 't have picked for myself this week . It 's a stretch . Supermaren came up with mine : Write a story involving a famous historical event from the perspective of an inanimate object . He watched me being built and made sure they did it right . He knows me better than anyone . That ended up being very important . It was stormy for days so we couldn 't leave . He 's been pacing , getting irritable . Today , though , the rain has stopped . He showed up early this morning , jubilant , carrying sandwiches and water . He checked me over very carefully , topped off all five tanks , and we were off . There was a huge crowd cheering us on , although I think they all held their breaths for a minute as we got off the ground . It was a little squishy from all of the rain , and I was heavy , but we got up and moving eventually . Not hitting the telephone wires or the tractor helped . I knew we could get up , but he seemed a little nervous at first . I don 't like taking off from squishy surfaces . I really wanted a hard , fast runway , one that let me get up to speed easily , but once we were up it didn 't matter . We flew for a while , getting comfortable , and then he turned me out over the water . It was dark and foggy . The moon wasn 't out , and it was hard to see the stars . I 'd never flown in weather like this . I knew that below me was only water , but I couldn 't see anything . It was cold , too . We flew through part of a cloud and I could feel ice building up all over me . I didn 't want to keep going into the cloud because I didn 't know if I could keep flying . Ice is heavy stuff , and I was already heavily laden . Luckily , he turned away from the cloud and the ice began to dissipate . We went down to help get rid of the ice . We were still over water , and he was flying us too close . I thought it was too close , anyway . Anything less than a wingspan if we 're not landing makes me very nervous , but it was the only way he could keep us out of the clouds . All of a sudden , he turned towards lights . Boats ! He circled for a while . I 'm not sure why , but I didn 't need to - at least he pulled me up a little higher . I don 't know how to explain how it feels to be too close to the water . I knew if he made even the smallest mistake I would smash to bits trying to land , to keep him safe . Water is not forgiving , you know , at least not when you meet it at speed . The sun began to rise , and the fog cleared . We were over land again , finally . If something went wrong here , I knew he could get us down . We 'd practiced enough to make sure he could land me safely under almost any conditions . I felt much safer and happier . The winds were with us , a little bit of a tailwind speeding us along , and I could feel contentment drift in as I did what I was designed for . I carried him smoothly . He didn 't have to work hard to keep me straight and level ; he 'd build me well , so even with the fuel tanks I wasn 't too hard to fly . We flew for a very long time . It wasn 't exciting , but the scenery was beautiful , and it was a very nice day . As night fell again , we saw the lights of a big city beginning to show in the distance . He aimed us towards the lights . We circled the Eiffel Tower , a beautiful sight , and got to see all of Paris laid out beneath us . He aimed us towards an airstrip and circled into the wind , then landed . I thought the crowd as we left was huge , but this was more people than I 've ever seen . We 'd been flying almost 34 hours straight . I still had fuel in my tanks . As we landed , he had to stop my propellor to keep from harming anyone . People were swarming the airfield , trying to get close enough to touch him , screaming and cheering . February 16 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn The Indie Ink editors have decided to issue writing challenges to each other every week to stretch our writing abilities . I like the idea . My first challenge was this : It was Thanksgiving with his whole family , and he decided it was time for me to be introduced . I had met a few of his siblings and his parents already , but not the cousins , aunts , uncles , or the matriarch . My family is very small , comparatively . I admit to a certain amount of trepidation . I was head over heels in love with a great guy . I really liked the people in his family that I had already met , and they were very accepting towards me . I was a little worried that I wouldn 't fit in given my capitalistic tendencies and the fact that I 'm not terribly artistic , but he said it would be fine . I walked in to noise , color , and a lot of people . One of the aunts that married in sat me down and asked how much money I made . I managed " Enough ! " with a grin , and she accepted it . Another aunt asked innumerable questions about my family . All of the cousins , most about my age , were friendly . Everyone was busy cooking or talking or drinking . I was assigned to get seeds out of pomegranates for a salad . I sat , warmed by the sun , surrounded by people talking and laughing and playing , watching everyone interact , and I felt apart , but not unwelcome . His immediate family came in a wave of sisters and brothers and parents . His youngest sister jumped into my lap , narrowly missing the bowl of jewel - like seeds . " When are you going to marry my brother ? " |
My eight year old son cannot speak or communicate at all , he has daily meltdowns , and cannot stand on his own . He 's never crawled or pulled to stand , and loud or sudden noises make him cry . He is missing a piece of DNA ( chromosome 9q22 . 2 ) but we are unsure if it made him disabled . His MRI gave us a diagnosis of partial agenesis of the corpus callosum and microcephaly . He is severely multiply impaired , has hypotonia and has also been diagnosed with Autism . Pages We had a good Christmas We had a pretty good Christmas . Andy didn 't have too many outbursts . He enjoyed new musical toys like pianos and trucks . I was worried I would have a really hard time with him out of school for two weeks . He has been manageable . When he has outbursts , he usually just needs time alone in his room , and often falls asleep . Andy has been off Abilify since November 30th . It 's been almost three weeks . I 've been looking for signs of withdrawal , but don 't really see any . He is still on Trileptal , which is a mood stabilizer . When he is having an angry outburst , and he receives 3 ml of it , he calms down within 20 minutes . He is getting it twice a day now . I am not interested in weaning him from the Trileptal just yet , but my husband would like to in the future . He is still having constipation issues . So , I keep a diary of how often he is having bowel movements and the size . I was told by a nurse to continue to give him a stool softener daily . Also , if his bowel movements have only been very small for several days he gets stool softener more than once a day , or something else to make him have a stool . This usually helps his behavior , and a low appetite to get better . The iPad is working again , so he really enjoys his interactive musical games , such as the Itsy Bitsy spider , by Duck Duck Moose . I have weaned Andy off the Abilify . At one point , he was taking 5ml a day . It didn 't seem to help much . He still has outbursts , whether he is on it or not , so I am taking him off . I decreased him by . 5ml each week . It took ten weeks . He had constipation several times during the weaning process . The main change I 've noticed is that he is not as sleepy . Some days he does not want to take naps , but he will lay in bed for a quiet period though . The first night he was totally off Abilify , he did not go to bed until 1am . He did take a late nap on this day though . His body is slowly adjusting back to his regular sleep schedule . I believe he is just getting older , and this is the main reason he isn 't napping as much anymore . My feeling was to see how Andy 's behavior is without Abilify , because I think he is just irritable Andy no matter what we do . He has happy times , and outburst times . During the outbursts , he is put in his bed , which he can 't get out of , until he calms down . He cannot get out of his bed , because he still cannot sit up on his own . He can only roll around , and pull himself with his arms , like army crawling . I have started up the orange flavored fish oil again . Once a day , he gets it with yogurt or ice cream . He 's been getting it for about a week . I use the Omega - 3 squeeze packs for him . Since the medication has been removed he seems a bit more alert . He is still on Trileptal for a " calming effect " . I am going to start weaning this as well , after I talk to his nurse practitioner . I hit another breaking point on Friday , and canceled all my son 's physical therapy appointments . My son has gotten to know our therapy routine , and when its time to drive there , he cries the whole drive there . He knows where we 're going , and he protests it . He often has to be calmed during the therapy visit , and it starts to feel like a waste of time to me . I feel that my son can only handle 8 - 12 weeks of therapy at a time , and then he needs a break . This has also been noted in research articles that sometimes short bursts of therapy are more effective . My son seems as though he 's had enough for a while , it 's just a gut feeling I have . On top of all of this , I have been feeling sad and depressed again about my son 's lack of progress . I see other children in his class progressing , and they seemed to be able to do less than Andy in the beginning . This was true when he was in the 0 - 3 group as well . All the other kids would be advancing so much , but not my Andy . I 'm going to finally seek out a counselor now . Before my sadness completely overtakes me . My doctor gave me a recommendation , I just have to call them . I know what it feels like to be so far in the hole that it 's hard to get out , and I 'm halfway there . I can just be at the grocery store and start crying in the aisles because of my son . Or driving in the car , and start crying due to sadness about Andy . It 's starting to affect my normal functioning . So , it 's time . I called our county mental health department to ask for help with my son 's constant crying last week . The caseworker came today and met me and Andy . I cried a bit when asked how I 'm dealing with all this . Andy cried a bit too , in spurts . He watched Dora the Explorer , and Yo Gabba Gabba to keep calm . It worked a little . The visit took two hours . I had to hand over copies of financial documents , and medical documents and tell of my struggles with Andy . I think the caseworker could see that I was struggling to hold it all together . I was genuinely having a hard time , and it came across . They are supposed to provide a respite coordinator within 14 days . Then we should be able to start receiving weekly help with Andy . We will have to pay for the help , but that 's okay for now , I just need the help . I was finally pushed over the edge with constant crying and contacted the local health department to ask for help obtaining respite care . It isn 't something that 's easy to find online . Respite care , would be having a government worker come to my house once or twice a week , to help look after Andy . Andy 's doctor and social worker kept asking me if I had contacted them yet . I just wasn 't compelled to pull the trigger yet . I kept thinking I would do it someday , and the day finally came . I just let Andy lie there and cry on the floor , while I made the call . The woman could hear his blood curdling screams , and she said they could come to the house in a week to " screen him " . They have to meet Andy in person to see how much work he really is . How bad off am I ? How stressed does Andy make me ? I 've got to show them and state our case . Then we can pay a worker to come over for a couple hours here and there to help entertain him . I just can 't bear the full brunt of Andy 's needs right now . It 's worn me too thin . My fuse is gone . I 'm calling my mom and mother - in - law as soon as he 's been nonstop crying , and asking them to take him . I drop him off and take off myself . I have to right now . I 'm just trying to stay sane . Andrew 's Rehabilitative doctor , who only sees children with special needs , had some information for me about Andy 's diet . She suggested a month ago that I should remove dairy from Andy 's diet . Telling me that for a lot of children , DAIRY in general can cause irritability . I agreed to remove dairy . When I spoke to Andy 's GI doctor a week later , I asked him if I could use lactose - free products for Andy , he told me yes . Andy has been using lactose - free milk , cheese and ice - cream for a month . When I next saw the rehab doctor , she further informed me about maybe trying to take Andrew casein - free , instead of just lactose - free . She explained that lactose is the milk protein , and casein is a milk sugar . She said sometimes , the milk sugar is the problem , not necessarily the lactose . She said the only way to remove casein from Andy 's diet is to remove all dairy products - completely . Lactose - free items still have casein in them , the milk sugar . She said often times if you are trying to remove lactose from your diet , you can safely do this by removing all casein , because where there is milk sugar , there is usually lactose . I added that Andy doesn 't get diarrhea when he has lactose , so I don 't feel he absolutely has to be off lactose . However , he has been less fussy , but possibly due to his new anti - seizure meds . They have a side effect of helping curb irritability . I will continue to limit Andy 's dairy , and see how he responds when he has a piece of cheese pizza or ice cream . If he becomes very fussy right afterwards , we may need to eliminate all dairy . Luckily , Andy isn 't a big yogurt kid , or milk - drinking kid . But it is when we have pizza , that lactose - free cheese may not be enough to keep the fussiness away . He does get a bit of gas after having dairy , so it could be making him irritable at these times . I need to observe further to know for sure what his diet needs to be . Andy 's crying is out of control tonight . I 've given him Tylenol , and Orajel on a gum that feels broken in the molar area . We 've turned up the air conditioning , dressed him in lighter clothing , talked to him soothingly . I walked him around and showed him that everyone is going " night - night " . We told him that he gets to go to school tomorrow and take the bus . He seemed excited . But then when he lays down he is angry . It could be the broccoli we had for dinner , or a tooth coming through . I just don 't know . He has been crying for over three hours now . I am in my room with fans running and a white noise app running on my phone , because his constant whaling is driving me bonkers . I have to just not hear it for a while . I took Andy to my nephew 's glow bowling party , and he did well there . He enjoyed when the black lights switched on and we were all glowing . I myself was invited to join a bowling league , and am excited to start it once a week . I will most definitely enjoy getting out without the kids , and not just to run errands , but to have some fun . I went to a local support group that a teacher of special needs children started for us parents , and it has been good . The teacher just started a facebook page and set up a once a month meeting at the library for us , and it is what we needed . I would suggest that anyone start one with parents at your child 's school if you don 't have one . Meet at a coffee house , or library , or one another 's houses . It is very necessary . Special needs parents are grieving . The process is long and may never really end . I tend to bounce around the different stages of grief . There have been many months when I walk around with a smile on my face but I am dying on the inside . My tears just start to well up so quickly when talking about my son . I remember so many times , just visiting the special needs programs with my eyes so misty . " I can 't believe this is real " , " I can 't believe my son has to be here " , were my thoughts . My son is not only disabled , he is severely , multiply disabled . That is the reality . I would sit down in meetings with therapists , or school staff members and go through my sons history and just be trying so hard not to cry . I was just absolutely dying inside . It has gotten better over the years , now that he is four . I still get teary , but I can dry it up more quickly . We are grieving the loss of a normal child , plain and simple . I am lucky that I get to have a normal daughter , as well as my special son . I have a separate pain for her , because she is constantly reminding me that I don 't give her the attention she needs and desires . She says , " I wish I was disabled too , so you 'd love me as much as you love Andy " . It kills me . It truly rips me apart inside . Trying a lactose free diet for irritability I took Andy to see a Gastro - Intestinal doctor for the first time a couple weeks ago . Both he and Andy 's PMnR doc suggested that we try to make Andy 's diet lactose - free for a while . I was told that for some kids , even a small amount of lactose , can make them highly irritable . Andy doesn 't experience diarrhea from lactose , but he may be experiencing bloating and gas from it . He has been on lactose - free milk , sometimes Almond milk , lactose - free cheese slices , and Breyers vanilla lactose - free ice cream . All found at Krogers . Sam 's club also sells the silk almond milk . I could not find the lactose - free butter or cheese for the longest time ! I brought it up to my mom , and she said you have to look in the organic foods section of your store , it is not with the regular dairy items . At Kroger , it is towards the front of the store . Andy 's irritability seems a bit better , but it is hard to tell why . He has also started a new anti - seizure medication , but not for seizures , he doesn 't have them . The medication has a side effect of helping irritability , so he is taking it on top of his 5cc of Abilify each day . Andy 's irritability and inconsolable crying didn 't become a major problem until after two years old . Between two and a half and three years old was a tipping point into the ugly . Major crying spells with no end , drove me to the doctor begging for some kind of medication for him . The medications aren 't always enough . He still has major temper tantrums , I think due to his age . If he is bored and not getting attention , he gets pissed . When I can 't stand the crying any more , I have to say " That 's it , let 's go for a car ride " . Anywhere . Who cares . Just drive this kid around , he loves it . For a short while , anyways . That 's why he loves school . There is so much stimulation there , and so much going on . He is constantly entertained . He loves seeing other kids playing and having fun too . It makes him happy . Just like I try to keep him happy and not crying all summer long . Thank God for school , I just can 't wait . And also for now he will remain lactose free , because I need all the help I can get . My husband and I got a night out . We went to see Carrie Underwood . Unfortunately , we had to drive two hours to get there . But I guess it gave us four hours alone to talk uninterrupted by kids . The venue was outside at the Soaring Eagle Casino and Resort . I love going to Soaring Eagle Casino in Mt . Pleasant , Michigan . We played slots while waiting to see Carrie , because we got there at 5 : 00pm and were told she wasn 't coming out until 8 : 00pm . They had a DJ on at 6 : 30 , but the seats were so cramped and small , that I didn 't want to sit there anymore waiting . The slots were fun , and easy . It 's been years since I had gambled there . I was able to just slide my money in , and then when I was ready to cash out my winnings , it gave me a receipt . I didn 't have to stand in line for a teller . I just put my receipt into a machine , and it spit my money out like an ATM . Let 's get on to the show ! I was so excited to see Carrie Underwood , and she totally delivered . Her vocals were very on point and true . She flawlessly delivered a great performance . She shared with us how the first time she ever got on a plane was when she was 21 trying out for American Idol , and never dreamed she 'd get to perform in all the places she is now . She looked great . She had white shorts and brown cowboy boots , and wore sunglasses until the sun went down . There were pictures behind her that would change for each song . There weren 't any outfit changes , which I was hoping she might change at least once . But I figured since it was a smallish crowd , maybe it wasn 't going to be that involved . I just like seeing the different outfits people wear , and like to see performers mix it up a bit . The last few times I took Andy to the doctor were an absolute nightmare . He screamed and cried while I filled out the forms at the GI doctor . He screamed so loud while the nurse was trying to get his vitals and ask me questions , I couldn 't hear what she was saying . I was there alone , but what I needed was to have my mom there to walk him around while I tried to talk to the staff . The nurse asked if there was anything I could do to calm him down , and I told her " nope , he 's always like this " . He wanted to get out of there , really . The receptionist was the most annoying when she kept coming into the room , with Andy screaming to tell me " I can 't find your pharmacy in our files " . Like its my fault . I pulled it up online and said " this one , here 's the address and phone number " . She came in a third time to tell me " You are going to have to just use the hospital pharmacy downstairs because I can 't add your pharmacy into our system " . I just told her " Whatever I don 't care right now " , as it had been well over an hour of Andy 's constant screaming . I asked one of his behavioral doctors , " Can I leave him at home next time " ? She said " sure , " she had seen enough . He doesn 't need to be there to discuss the effectiveness of the new meds we were trying . However , I really do need someone there with patience , like my mother , for the next new patient visit . If my husband goes he will just end up punching someone in the face . My mom found a great blow up bed with sides on it , and an air mattress that fits inside at Walmart for $ 35 . It is great for traveling , because it eases my worries of Andy falling off the bed . It came with a hand pump and canvas carrying bag . Having the bed made me brave enough to try to take Andy somewhere overnight . We drove to Sandusky , Ohio and stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge waterpark and hotel . It is just a few short miles from the Cedar Point Amusement Park , which we visited the next day . The bed worked out great . My daughter could also fit into it and she is 4 feet tall . He slept in it alone though , next to my bed . Andy surprisingly did well during the whole trip . He had one bad episode while waiting for food at Applebees . He even did well at the arcade inside the hotel . He really liked all the noise and seeing all the lights on the games . He stayed entertained and didn 't cry while sitting in the stroller . He fell asleep easily in it , and didn 't roll out of it . If I sat him up in the bed though , he could lean back and then roll out of the bed . He is unable to sit up on his own though , so it wasn 't a problem . I bought a " puddle jumper " for the trip also . It is a better , coast guard approved , life jacket for Andy . I got it online . This way he could wear it at the waterpark , instead of the huge ones that choke him they require kids under 42 inches tall to wear . It worked out much better , and I could carry him around easier with it on . It was $ 22 on amazon . com . We bought a stander off Craigslist , an online classified ad site . It is a tumble form tristander with a tray . The family we bought it from was so happy to see Andy putting it to good use ! Andy goes in it several times a week for 30 - 60 minutes . Sometimes , every day . He is watching TV . Andy cannot stand up or walk , but can sit on the toilet really well . Before I didn 't see the point in trying to potty train , because Andy cannot walk himself to the toilet . However , he is keeping his diaper dry for long periods of time , and doesn 't like being in the diaper , once he wets it . He can understand a few things . If I offer him food , he will open his mouth . If I put his cup with straw in front of him , he will open his mouth . He has certain instincts I guess . So , I wondered if I sit him on the potty , will he pee in it ? Andy lately will keep his diaper very dry for three or four hours , then he will do one big pee . If I notice his diaper has been dry for a while , I have been siting him on the potty and asking him to pee . I have to talk to him and be patient and keep asking him for about ten minutes . He seems to be concentrating and thinking about it . He will then pee for me . I cheered and clapped for him and told him , " I 'm proud of you . What a big boy , you peed in the toilet " . I don 't think he likes having a wet diaper , and he will fuss when he wets it . So , I 'm going to give this a try for the summer anyway . My normal / typical daughter also took a while to understand what I was asking her to do , when I would put her on the potty . Sometimes , I can see Andy attempting to go , just like she would . After a while , I tell him " Good job trying to go pee - pee , now we are all done . I 'll put your pull - up back on " . Even if it saves me a few pull - ups / diapers a day , its worth a try . Andy was very irritable for four days . Of course , my husband was cursing the Abilify , and I was trying to keep Andy from driving us crazy . The doctor checked him out and found nothing . Two days later , I had a sore throat and congestion . So , I 'm guessing this is what was making him so upset . I did give him Tylenol on the last two days , even though he showed no fever . I 'm glad I did now . It probably helped his throat a little . We will be taking Andy to a Gastro - intestinal ( GI ) doctor in August . We want to rule out acid reflux . A practitioner told us that a high percentage of non - mobile kids suffer from reflux , and we aren 't sure with Andy . We have been blindly treating him for it , and don 't know if it is making a difference in his behavior or not . If he has a scope of his esophagus done under anesthesia , he will have to stop taking the meds two weeks before . We will also be trying to have a surgery coordinated with this , so that he may have his ear tubes placed at this time . I recently took Andy in for a one month behavior recheck , I 'll call it . It was with a nurse practitioner in Andy 's very busy and booked up Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation office . He cried the whole hour that we waited to be seen , and he had been crying in the car on the way there . By the time the NP came in , I was in tears too , about ready to walk out . She quickly asked how Andy was doing , " a little better " , I told her . Then she wanted to move on to me . " You don 't look like you are coping very well with all this " , she told me , and asked " Do you feel you are on the verge of a break down , or how are you doing ? " . I was crying uncontrollably by now , finding it hard to speak . I get upset when Andy is crying for hours , and I start to feel out of control . I also feel helpless to stop his outbursts , and feel I am failing him . She told me that my husband and I need to go to counseling to talk about our feelings and hard times with Andy . I understand that I need to go to counseling , and feel I would benefit from it . However , my husband does not feel it will benefit him . I also told her that when I was depressed eight years ago , I used exercise to start feeling better . Joining classes , and working out for a couple of months , helped me to climb out of my depression . Along with seeing my friends and family more . But lately , I feel I don 't have the luxury of time to do that . Right now , I don 't use all the resources I have . I tend to isolate myself . Andy is a very difficult child . Difficult to keep happy and entertained . He has a very short fuse . When he gets angry , everyone suffers . Nothing else can happen , but trying to console him . I have several sisters and friends that I could turn to , but I don 't . I need to start scheduling more time to spend with them , so I won 't feel so alone . My mental health is definitely suffering right now . The nurse practitioner felt that I wasn 't making myself important , and she 's right . I won 't be able to take care of Andy , if I don 't start taking measures to get myself better . We are trying to sell our old house right now . That has been a priority for us . However , I need to make myself more of a priority right now . I can 't continue to put myself on the back burner . There is too much at stake . If only I could find the time . . . My daughter got the stomach flu two weeks ago , most likely the rotavirus . It struck without warning . We were driving in my mini - van and she told me she felt like she might throw up . I quickly moved a few things out of her way , tried to find a bag for her , and too late . She threw up three times , mostly on her lap . She didn 't show any signs previous to this . The most important thing to do to try and stop future vomiting is to move quickly to the BRAT diet . This is a diet made up of Bananas , Rice , Applesauce and Toast . It is a bland diet , that is most likely to stay in your stomach and not come back out . However , my daughter is very stubborn and insisted on eating a few cheez - its . They came right back up . Avoid all dairy . For three to five days if you can . I knew this from a previous time . It will surely get you vomiting again . Get some Pedialyte or Gatorade right away to help keep your strength . My poor daughters flu got severe . She had diarrhea and vomiting , and was unable to hold down even a small sip of water or Pedialyte . After three days of this , I could tell she needed to get into the hospital Emergency room . She was also having fevers of 101 degrees . She was so weak and tired , she could hardly walk . She really needed to be rehydrated quickly . She was admitted and given fluids intravenously for two days . We 've heard horror stories of 4 and 5 year olds getting the flu and dying of dehydration , and we were so worried about her . I checked with her doctor first , and she agreed that she needed to go right to the ER . It was my gut feeling as well . Andy and I got it too , however , ours was not as severe . After first vomiting , we both had just a liquid diet the first day , then moved to dry toast only on the second day . We were weak , but we were no longer vomiting . Andy was hesitant to eat , and often turned down sips of water or crackers . By the third day , we were both getting very hungry , but we went very slowly with food . I could feel that my stomach was still very off . Andy was off school for the entire week , and so was my daughter . Despite vigorous hand washing and hand sanitizer , I got it . I was also the one cleaning up after the kids after they were ill , so I figured it would be unavoidable . We also tried anti - nausea medications from the pharmacy , but it seemed to me if your body needs to throw up , then it will . Benadryl was also suggested to " settle " my daughters stomach . I 'm not sure whether it was effective or not . It seemed it worked for a few hours , but as soon as she was ready for another dose and didn 't get one , she would vomit . The doctor ended up prescribing Zofran , an anti - nausea medication , for when we left the hospital . It kept us from having to go back in , I think . She would tell me , " I feel queasy " , and I would give it to her . I did this for two days , until it seemed she could eat again . We later learned that hand sanitizer alone was not killing this bug , so kids at school were urged to actually wash their hands , instead of just sanitizing before eating . My daughter often just washes the soap down the sink after pouring it in the middle of her hand , so I have to remind her to spread the soap all around her hands before rinsing . My son can also get sick easily , because others have to handle his food for him . He also puts his hands in his mouth all day , so it is very detrimental for him to have sick peers at school . This horribly heavy chair is a terrible choice . I hated it from the beginning . I should have fought harder to return it , but I was told it was " un - returnable " . I caution you : Please do not EVER by a wheelchair for your child that has two pieces to it . If the seat part is not correctly locked in place to the base , your child will have a horrible accident like mine did . I often have to take this horrid seat apart to get it in and out of my mini - van . I cannot lift it when it is all one piece . It is way too heavy . When I take it apart , it feels as though the chair weighs fifty pounds , and the stroller base weighs twenty pounds . The seat is heavier than my son . I took this chair out of my trunk and assembled it for the 50th time probably . I hate this seat and I curse it every time I have to put it together . I thought Andy 's seat was locked in place . I pushed him down the driveway to get on his school bus , nothing seemed off . I get a phone call from the transportation office saying , " Your son 's seat became detached , and you need to get to the next bus stop right away " . They couldn 't answer if he had been hurt they didn 't know . I get there to find blood all over my son 's face , and a horrible gash on his head . When the bus driver came to a stop , he and his seat went flying off the base , which was secure to the floor . It is so heavy , the seat belt going across his chest wasn 't enough to keep them from slamming to the floor . I cried all day long . I feel so horrible that this happened to my poor innocent and helpless son . He loves riding the bus , and now I don 't know what he 'll think of it . The bus driver and the mother at the next stop were great in caring for Andy until I got there . He was so upset , and I tried hard to contain myself all day . I had nightmares all night long . Andy seemed happy after the incident , and was very playful . I 'm still so sad , and blaming myself every second of the day . I would never buy a two piece chair again . NEVER . Andy has been crying a bit less , which has been so great . He has been on Abilify and reflux meds for three weeks now . He has a runny nose right now , which I think is contributing to his minor fussiness . I feel like I 've been in a dream , not having to hear non - stop crying every minute he is awake . I am scared that any minute it will come back , almost like a post - traumatic stress feeling . Summer is approaching , and I am worried about how to keep Andy happy when he is not in school . He likes to swim , but the before and after with swimming usually don 't go well . Especially when facilities don 't have changing tables , or handicapped accessibility . We now have a handicapped license plate . I don 't tend to use it though , if I can get a spot that is pretty close to the entrance . It kills me when I see an elderly person that seems very capable of walking , pull into a " van accessible " spot , when ten other handicapped spots are open . I know so many people with vans for their children that need those spots . This makes me want to get a rear accessible van , instead of a side entry ramp . I don 't want to be pissed at these people all the time . I am so thankful that the weather has been nice . Andy loves getting outside . He likes being pushed around the block or on a swing . He also likes watching other kids play outside . It makes him squeal and clap . He 's so cute when he 's a happy camper . We were unable to live with Andy 's behavior anymore . If he wasn 't at school , he was miserable . I had checked every avenue of what might be causing him pain , and there was nothing . I decided it was time to wean him off the Risperdal , and get him onto something new . The weaning was easy . I cut his doses in half until he got down to . 25ml for three days straight once a day . Then I started the Abilify immediately the next day . Initially , doses of 3ml or even 2 . 5ml were too much for him . He would get very sleepy , and he 'd be fighting through the sleepiness with crying . So , he was either sleeping or crying . Then I dropped down to . 5ml , twice a day and I felt like I was just giving him water / nothing . My husband hated it . He wanted to stop giving the new meds . But I knew that it would take a full two weeks to see what the results will be . The first week was hell . I waited until I knew the kids were going to be on spring break to start the new meds . The Abilify was started on Friday , then he was off school for the entire week , and he had the weekend . I was in his physiatrists office crying to her about Andy 's constant crying and telling her how I 'll try anything . She suggested that we start an acid reflux medicine as well , just in case he might be feeling a burning in his chest from reflux , and can 't tell us . Fine with me . I 'm desperate . It 's been almost two weeks now . He takes the reflux meds twice a day , Miralax stool softener once a day , and Abilify twice a day . Right now he is getting 1 . 25ml in the morning and before dinner . I started out with 1ml twice a day , and am now inching it up slowly to try to get more improvement . When I tried 2ml twice a day , he was way too sleepy . It does seem as they are on these meds for a few months , they start to need more of them in order to get the same effect . This is my opinion with my son anyway . It is like their body gets used to that dose and now they need more of it to have the same effect . He hasn 't been gaining a whole lot of weight , but has been getting taller . I pray for Andy 's brain to develop , and for him to not cry as much . The nurse practitioner at Andy 's office said she sees kids like Andy go through crying phases sometimes at age 3 or 4 . She said the crying can go on for a year or more . Andy has already been crying a lot for the past two years . One of the moms in my support group said her daughter stopped her constant crying between 5 and 6 years old . She says she rarely hears her cry ever now . Her daughter is immobile / very limited physically and quite cognitively impaired . It helped me look forward to some time in our lives when Andy won 't be constantly screaming . Things haven 't been going well . Andy keeps having long periods of crying and discomfort that last for days . He has seen an Ear , Nose and Throat doctor , a general pediatrician , and a dentist . All to give me peace of mind that nothing is physically wrong . His ears look well , but we may have ear tubes put in , due to persistent infections . His dental x - rays came back normal . His current neurological medication , Risperdal , could be the culprit for his constipation / intestinal discomfort , but we aren 't sure . It is supposed to help his inconsolable crying , but it may be creating other problems . For his constipation , I am no longer giving him Miralax every day . It is too rough on his belly . I think it gives him bad stomach cramps , so I am going to cut it back . I was giving half a capful , once a day , during times of chronic constipation . I can lay him flat , and feel hard stool by touching his belly . Or sometimes it feels like there is a sack of hard marbles in his belly . If his belly feels soft , I am only giving the Miralax 3 - 4 times a week . And I am now only going to give 1 / 4 capful . If I can feel his belly filling up , I will increase the number of times a week , not the dosage . When he is constipated , he cries and cries from the stomach pain . When it gets bad I give him a daily enema during ( pediatric glycerin suppository ) , and a teaspoon of Karo syrup ( high - fructose corn syrup ) , plus the Miralax . I cut out bananas and applesauce , which are the reverse of the BRAT diet . Bananas , rice and applesauce help to stop diarrhea . I have learned and read that they can make constipation worse , and I 've witnessed it firsthand . Andy has hit several downward spirals in the last couple of weeks . We are trying hard to get through every one of his waking hours . I have also grown weary of Andy 's physical disabilities . He doesn 't seem to be learning anything , no matter what the amount of therapy or schooling . Just keeping him happy and not crying is such a chore . I fear the next four years will be just like the last four . And that if he still isn 't walking by age 8 , that he may never walk . I continue to be depressed about Andy 's condition , and find it hard to get through each day . My daughter and I continue to fight , she has expressed how much she hates me , and tells me all the time how she wishes she could live with another family . It is only when she is angry , which is quite often lately . She hurt my feelings so badly , I cried all evening the other night . My husband talked with her to tried to straighten her out , and I can tell she tries to hold her tongue now . It is so hard to try to live a normal life , when things are SO far from normal for us . It is very easy for people to tell us what we should be doing , but so hard for us to carry it all out . I continue to pray the rosary for strength and compassion . It seems to help . Andy had his first bus ride , and did pretty well . He was a little scared when he looked at the bus driver , but I stepped on the bus and said " you are going to school ok ? " . He wasn 't crying . I was worried he might be afraid of the loud noises of the bus , but he seemed okay . My daughter and I were teary - eyed when he put his little glove onto the window . I drove up to the school and the staff said he arrived happy , and was glad to see them . Today , the bus was a bit late , and we were waiting in the cold . So , Andy started to cry a bit , and was not happy getting on the bus . I hope these next couple of weeks go smoothly , as he adjusts to this new change . Andy taking the bus does allow me an extra 45 minutes in the afternoon , and time to walk my daughter to school in the morning . She can also get to school on time now , and we aren 't rushed to get there . When he arrived home on the bus , he was almost sleeping . The parking lot is also very small at his school , and it is often hard to find a parking space . It 's door ding central and always a hassle to back out of , because it is so cramped . Andy only has a couple of months left of school , so I 'm hoping he can continue to ride the bus until school is over . It 's already helping to cut a little stress out of my day ! I was giving both kids a bath last night , and asked Gabby to be careful as she was dripping water into Andy 's eyes . She immediately blew up , accusing that I only care about Andy . She said , " You only love him and hate me , and I wish he was never born . Then I could have more time with you , and have you to myself . " She was in a huge rage , and has been having daytime and nighttime pee accidents lately . I think for attention , but maybe also stress and anxiety . It seems like a big mess . I put both kids to bed early , and they ended up having a snow day today . I took the kids to my moms for lunch for a change of scenery . Gabby wanted to stay there , while I brought Andy home to nap . I brought my concerns to my husband 's attention last night . He heard the whole speech Gabby yelled out at me . I stressed that we have to plan activities this summer to do with Gabby . Such as camping and amusement parks . These things aren 't really ideal for Andy , so one of us will have to stay back with him , or a babysitter . Gabby is right , Andy gets most of my attention these days . We do have a place where we can camp two hours from our home , at our in - laws , but taking Andy there is often a nightmare . It is hard to keep him entertained , and the drive out isn 't good for him either . But Gabby loves going there , and doesn 't mind the long car ride . We 've got to make some changes , things can 't keep going this way . My son cannot communicate with me . However , every now and then , he can manage to get out a few utterances . If he is extremely excited , or motivated by discomfort , I think he can get a few random words out . My son cries a lot . Maybe it 's frustration , and lately I think it could possibly be pain . I was holding him in a standing position the other night and asked him to take a step . He looked me in the eyes and said " It Hur " , and I cried out " oh it hurts ! Oh no , sit down then ! It hurts ? " I am searching out a new physical Medicine and Rehab doctor . The University of Michigan isn 't too far from us now , so I am going to try there . I found a doctor that specializes in neck and back pain , so we 'll give him a call . Andy often responds well to Tylenol , which makes me feel he is experiencing some alleviation from pain . I will also give Motrin if he has a full belly . When I 've tried other ways of soothing first , I will sometimes move to these medications , and they do seem to help . Andy was so fun today ! He had a great day at his Valentines Day party at school . They said he ate a whole cupcake , and seemed to be on a sugar high . He was so happy when I picked him up . Maybe his rise in medication is finally kicking in ? It 's been about two weeks since it has been bumped up to 1ml a day . He was very smiley , and squeaky the rest of the day . It might also be because he isn 't in a lot of pain from his ear infection . Not sure on this one though . I took him in to see the doctor today , and she is going to raise his dose of antibiotics for ten more days . His ear infection is still there , and is mild to moderate . So , he does still have it , but maybe today it wasn 't bothering him too much . It was nice to not feel the tension I get from listening to Andy cry in a constantly irritated state . He was so happy and carefree , it was truly a blessing . I 'd like to think our prayers for him had a something to do with it . It turns out Andy 's nonstop crying was an ear infection . I took him in right away the next morning , after he had such a bad day . He was seen on a Saturday by my doctor , so his pediatrician still needs to be notified of his ear infection . Largely due to the fact that he had to get antibiotic shots last time to take the infection away , when oral antibiotics weren 't working . He hasn 't eased up much this Saturday and Sunday in terms of the crying . But having my husband home with me made it much better . I will let his regular doctor know about his ears , and I think she will need to see him and administer the shots . I would like to take him to an Ear , Nose and Throat specialist . He usually gets about four infections a year , which I know doesn 't really qualify for ear tubes . But with Andy , he has NO way of telling me what kind of pain he is in . So , I figured it was constipation , and no idea it was his ears . The nurse asked me if his ears and throat had been checked when I told her of the constant crying and I thought how could I forget that ? I 've been very sick myself , so I guess that 's how . Today was a horrible day . The kids had a snow day . Andy doesn 't normally have school on Fridays . This means it will be a bad day usually . Andy had a low appetite and was having hard stools . He cried a lot through the day . I put him down for a nap . He woke up a mess , I gave him the rescue drug Klompin . He got more irritated and cried more . I called my mom and told her I could no longer take Andy 's crying and I needed to bring him over . I called the neurology office . They were concerned he might be in pain . They told me of respite care and that I can 't do this alone . Andy 's primary doctor was out of the office . I went to take Andy to urgent care but it was packed . I took him home and put him to bed . 6 : 30pm . I 'm hoping he will stay crashed for the night . I am still crying . My daughter heard me telling my sister that I hate being his mother . She told me " I 'm sorry Andy makes you feel that way . I hope you feel better tomorrow . I 'm so sad . I 'm still waiting for my rescue . I had three bloggers nominate me for a Liebster Award . The A Boy Named Silas blog , the Out One Ear blog , and the I Can Say Mama blog . Thank you ! Now I have some questions to answer . Questions from " A Boy Named Silas " : 2 . Who is your favorite doctor , specialist , or therapist for your child and why ? Andy 's Neurologist , Dr . Harry Chugani , has made me feel like I deserve a break from Andy 's crazy temper tantrums and has been the only one to offer a drug that brings him down a few notches . 3 . What symptom of your child 's disability breaks your heart the most ? That he can 't communicate with me , he can 't tell me how he feels or what he wants . 4 . What symptom of your child 's disability is actually somewhat endearing ? How he shows love , by putting his arm over his ear with a fist , and cooing at us very excitedly . 9 . What is the most disrespectful thing anyone has ever said to you or your child ? " I thought you said your kid was three , the toys you are buying are like for a six month old " . 11 . If you were to articulate all the wishes you have for your child , what would they be ? That he could have all the abilities that every kid is given just by being born . Questions from " Out One Ear " : 1 . What is your favorite travel destination and why ? I really enjoyed the cruise we went on for our honeymoon . Stopping at the Cayman Islands was a favorite . The Seven Mile Beach was so pretty with its white sands . The huge cruise ship was fun to explore , and I loved being taken to the different destinations . 2 . Do you own any pets ? If so , what kinds ? My black lab Sady , lived to be ten . My black and white kitty , Whitney , lived to be 16 . And my calico cat , Mittens , lived to be ten . They are all in heaven now , and we don 't currently have any pets . I had endless cats as a kid as well and a Beagle named Sam . 4 . The mountains or the beach ? The Beach . Andy loves playing in the water . It is a way to get out of the house and have fun . 6 . Did you make a New Year 's resolution ? Share if you like . To try to be the mother my kids need me to be , and the wife my husband needs . 3 . If you had a time machine to go back in time , would you change anything in your life ? What would it be ? I can 't think of anything to change . 8 . What is your most favourite song of all times ? 9 . What would you do if you won 1 million Dollars in the lottery ? My husband could quit his job and we could travel more 1 . You must thank the person who gave you this award 2 . You must display the Liebster heart on your blog 3 . You should nominate 3 - 5 or 11 ( there are different rules out there ) up - and - coming blogs with less than 200 subscribers4 . Each person must post 11 things about themselves5 . Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you6 . Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer7 . Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post . 8 . Don 't give the award back to the blog that gave it to you . I 've been trying to see lately what Andy is able to reciprocate back to me communication wise . His speech therapist at school has noticed that he is indicating clear choices by touching things with his hand . I am seeing the same . While eating lunch today , I had his water cup with straw , and two food items in front of him . Sometimes , when he was ready for the next bite , he would touch reach the food item he wanted . Or touch the fork sitting on the plate . Andy is unable to coordinate a utensil to his mouth yet , or to pick up a food and put it in his mouth with his fingers . Other times , I would ask him " which one do you want , this one or that one ? " and he would then touch the plate he wanted . So , I 'm happy that there is a sort of gesturing communication going on . When I brush Andy 's teeth , I ask him to say " ahhh " and open his mouth . I open my mouth while saying " ahh " , and he thinks this is funny . Then , he will let out an " ahh " , and I feel so happy ! He seems to be imitating me , and understanding me ! After waking , he was babbling for about ten minutes , then started babbling mama . So , I raced up the stairs calling out , " You 're calling mama , I 'm coming , I 'm coming , I heard you calling me ! " I also told him , " I 'm so happy you 're talking to me ! " I hope he likes how proud we are , and wants to show us more . Andy 's neurologist told me today that I need a " rescue drug " when Andy is having his temper tantrums . He screamed during most of the visit . His high - pitched screaming was giving us both a headache . He told me I was enduring too much suffering dealing with Andy , and I deserved to be rescued . It is some kind of prescription wafer that will melt in his mouth . I have yet to see if CVS carries it . I 'll try tomorrow . He told me , " he needs one right now " ! Andy is adjusting well to the new house . He is napping fine , and sleeping through the night . The bus hasn 't started to pick him up yet , so I don 't know how that will go yet . It has been chaotic trying to unpack , and we still have more boxes to move from the old house . Posted by Andy loves going to school . He has a lot of fun there , and is always happy and smiling when I pick him up . I hope that he can stay healthy enough to go for a full week every now and then . When I see him running a fever , I keep him home . Unfortunately , he has had quite a few colds lately . Andy is in a class of ten children , including him . All of the kids are mobile , except for Andy . As of a few weeks ago , an additional assistant was hired to help Andy in the classroom . It 's really nice to know someone is right there to make sure Andy isn 't going to get stepped on by another kid . Also , to help keep kids from taking every toy away from him , or to help him to stand , and move him from station to station . It really puts me at ease to know he has someone looking out for him the whole time he 's there . We are packing up our whole house and getting ready to move about 30 minutes from here . It is really keeping me preoccupied . I have also started trying to run again , thanks to my husband . He is going to attempt to run a full marathon at the end of May . I think it is helping him to have something else to focus on . He 'd like for me to run the 10K , but I don 't feel confident that I can do it . So , for now , I am focusing on packing . I am also thinking about decorating the new house . It gives me a lot to think about . We have a budget , and can 't go crazy , but I think we can find a good style that isn 't too expensive . Andy had a great day at school today , and was so happy there . It was his first day back after Christmas break . It 's a bummer he only got to go for one day ! I think he 'll be upset there 's no school tomorrow . He seemed really happy when I told him he had school today . It even sounded like he tried to say " go " , when I told him he was going to go to school . I still have Andy taking Risperdal , . 55ml now , because it seemed he needed a little more to help his temperament . Although , he does still have outbursts to try to communicate he doesn 't want something . I am a little concerned about my son taking an " anti - psychotic " drug . I 've read about these types of drugs inducing breast growth in teenage boys , and I will have to raise my concerns with my son 's neurologist . We will be seeing him at the end of the month . I have tried taking Andy off of this medication before , and the results were bad . However , I am concerned about Andy 's recent constipation . He has been having hard stools and I have to keep an eye on it . It is a side effect of Risperdal , so we may have to stop or switch to something else if it persists . Andy hasn 't been making sounds or attempting to say any words for months . He has had a very frustrating last few months . He had ear infections that wouldn 't go away , followed by constipation . Then he had a very inconsolable Christmas eve and bad Christmas vacation . It made me increase his Risperdal dose to . 50ml , then to . 55ml , which seems to be making him happy again . However , I 've noticed a slight night waking going on , once a night . He goes back to sleep after 20 minutes or so , but babbles for a bit first . We will meet soon with the neurologist to see what other meds we could possibly try with Andy . If he continues to require more and more of this medication , I am concerned about his sleep being slightly affected . I recently started Andy back on Gummy Omega - 3 vitamins , and he 's been feeling better . He isn 't ill , and he is taking a higher dose of Risperdal , which is putting him in a better mood . Today , he seemed to be using " wa - wa " to ask me for water . I hope , so badly , that this continues . He has also been continuing to wave to people at school , and family members . Seeing any kind of communication from him is a real joy . He seems to understand when I talk to him sometimes , but I just don 't know for sure . Andy has recently grown two inches . He is also getting noticeably bigger . It makes me wonder if maybe his brain has matured a little as well . This could be the reason he is trying to communicate with us now , paired with school , and feeling better . I know that he typically moves forward , then slides backwards , so just waiting to see what happens next . We live in the United States , in the state of Michigan . I have my Master 's degree in Health Psychology from the University of Michigan . I previously worked as a Cancer Research Assistant for six years on clinical trials and population lung and colon cancer studies . I decided not to return to work after having my first child . Two years later , I had Andy . We realized he was going to be very impaired around 9 months of age . My son is extremely physically and mentally impaired . He was also diagnosed with Autism . Genetic testing reveals two of his genes were deleted at conception causing him to be impaired . I blog about my special needs son and what it has been like to raise him , because it is therapeutic , it helps others to not feel alone , and helps them to get answers on how to help their child . The last few months , I 've been lost again . Down about Andy , and feeling hopeless . He is now 30 months old , and no sitting up yet , or cra . . . My daughter got the stomach flu two weeks ago , most likely the rotavirus . It struck without warning . We were driving in my mini - van and she . . . I recently wrote a letter to the special needs director at my son 's school . He is in a special needs preschool class . I wouldn 't con . . . |
Many people wonder if there 's life after death . The Torah answers in the affirmative , and that 's why we live according to the dictates of God . In the words of our sages , this world is a corridor to the World to Come . Skeptics challenge , " How do you know ? Has anyone returned from there ? " The answer is yes . Thousands have ! And in our times . Their personal accounts re - affirm what the Torah has been saying for thousands of years , and with amazing accuracy . Let 's take a journey onto the shadow of death and see that there is life after life . 2 . NDE in Our Sources : Kesubos 62b ( 104 ) , R Chanina ben Chachinoi left his home to study Torah for 12 years . When he returned , he entered his house unexpectedly . When his wife saw him , she was startled and died . R Chanina prayed , " Is this her reward for enabling me to study Torah for 12 years ? " She returned to life . Pesachim 50a ( 98 ) , Rav Yosef was sick , fainted and his soul departed . After some time he returned to life . His father R ' Yehoshua asked him what he saw . He replied , " I saw an upside down world . People who were considered important in this world are below in that word , and people considered lowly in this world were elevated in that world . Midrash Raba Ruth 3 : 1 ( 98 ) , Rav Maysha , the son of R . Yosef , was dead for three days . Afterward he returned to life . His father Rav Yosef asked him what he saw . He replied that he also saw what his father saw . Semachos , ch . 8 ( 105 ) , We are to go to the cemetery up to three days after burial to see if the person returned to life . Once they visited a man in the cemetery who returned to life and lived another 25 years afterwards . Another person returned to life and had another 5 sons . About a year ago , I was admitted to the hospital with heart trouble , and the next morning , lying in the hospital bed , I began to have a very severe pain in my chest . I pushed the button beside the bed to call for the nurses , and they came in and started working on me . I was quite uncomfortable lying on my back so I turned over and as I did I stopped breathing and my heart stopped beating . Just then I heard the nurses shout , " Code Pink ! Code Pink ! " As they were saying this , I could feel myself moving out of my body and sliding down between the mattress and the rail itself on the side of the bed . Actually it was as if I went through the rail down onto the floor . Then , I started rising upward , slowly . On my way out , I saw more nurses come running into the room ; there must have been a dozen of them . My doctor happened to have been making his rounds in the hospital so they called him and I saw him come in too . I thought , " I wonder what he 's doing here . " I drifted on up past the light fixture - I saw it from the side and very distinctly - and then I stopped , floating right down below the ceiling , looking down . I felt almost as though I were a piece of paper that someone had blown up to the ceiling ( 25 ) . I watched them reviving me from up there ! My body was lying down there stretched out on the bed , in plain view , and they were all standing around it . I heard one nurse say , " Oh my G - d , she 's gone , " while another one leaned down to give mouth - to mouth resuscitation . I was looking at the back of her head while she did this . I 'll never forget the way her hair looked ; it was cut kind of short . Just then , I saw them roll this machine in there , and they put the shocks on my chest . When they did , I saw my whole body just jump right up off the bed , and I heard every bone in my body crack and pop . It was the most awful thing . As I saw them below banging on my chest and rubbing my arms and legs , I thought , " Why are they going to so much trouble ? I 'm just fine now . ' It was about two years ago , and I had just turned nineteen . I was driving a friend of mine home in the car , as I got to this particular intersection downtown , I stopped and looked both ways , but I didn 't see anything coming . I pulled on out into the intersection and as I did I heard my friend yell out at the top of his voice . When I looked I saw a blinding light , the headlights of a car that was speeding towards us . I heard this awful sound - the side of the car being crushed in - and there was just an instant during which I seemed to be going through darkness , an enclosed space . It was very quick . Then I was sort of floating about five feet above the street , about five yards away from the car , I 'd say , and I heard the echo of the crash dying away . I saw people come running up and crowding around the car , and I saw my friend get out of the car , obviously in shock . I could see my own body in the wreckage among all those people , and could see them trying to get it out . My legs were all twisted and there was blood all over the place ( 27 ) . Boy , I surely didn 't realize that I looked like that ! You know , I 'm only used to seeing myself in pictures or from the front of a mirror , and both of these look flat . But all of a sudden there I - or my body - was and I could see it . I could definitely see it , full view , from about five feet away . It took me a few moments to recognize myself ( 29 ) . At the point of injury there was a momentary flash of pain , but then the pain vanished . I had the feeling of floating in a dark space . The day was bitterly cold , yet while I was in the blackness all I felt was warmth and the most comfort I have ever experienced . I remember thinking , " I must be dead . " ( 18 ) I began to experience the most wonderful feelings . I couldn 't feel a thing in the world except peace , comfort , ease - just quietness . I felt that all my troubles were gone , and I thought to myself , " Well how quiet and peaceful , and I don 't hurt at all . " ( 18 ) A man who " died " after wounds in Viet Nam says that as he was hit : There was a great attitude of relief . There was no pain , and I 've never felt so relaxed . I was at ease and it was all good ( 19 ) . I was in the hospital but they did not know what was wrong with me . So Dr . James , my doctor , sent me downstairs to the radiologist for a liver scan so they could find out . First , they tested this drug they were going to use on my arm , since I had a lot of drug allergies . But there was no reaction , so they went ahead . When they used it this time , I arrested on them . I heard the radiologist who was working on me go over to the telephone , and I heard very clearly as he dialed it . I heard him say , " Dr . James , I 've killed your patient , Mrs . Martin . " And I knew I wasn 't dead . I tried to move or to let them know , but I couldn 't . When they were trying to resuscitate me , I could hear them tell how many c . c . 's of something to give me , but I didn 't feel the needles going in . I felt nothing at all when they touched me ( 16 ) . A woman patient of mine had cardiac arrest just before another surgeon and I were going to operate on her . I was right there , and I saw her pupils dilate . We tried for some time to resuscitate her , but weren 't having any success , so I thought she was gone . I told the other doctor who was working with me , " Let 's try one more time and then we 'll give up . " This time , we got her heart beating , and she came around . Later I asked her what she remembered of her " death " . She said she didn 't remember much about it , except that she did hear me say , " Let 's try one more time and then we 'll give up . " ( 17 ) Shabbos 152a , The soul of the deceased mourns for the body seven days . Zohar , Chayei Sarah , 122b , The soul visits the body during the first seven days and mourns over its demise . Zohar , Vayechi , 218b , The soul travels between the grave and the house of mourning each of the seven days , and wails with the mourners . I saw them resuscitating me . It was really strange . I wasn 't very high ; it was almost as if I was on a pedestal , but not above them to any great extent , just maybe looking over them . I tried talking to them but no one could hear me , nobody would listen to me . ( 34 ) The doctors and nurses were pounding away on my body to try to get IV 's started and to get me back , and I kept trying to tell them , " Leave me alone . All I want is to be left alone . Quit pounding on me . " But they didn 't hear me . So I tried to move their hands to keep them from beating on my body , but nothing would happen . I couldn 't get anywhere . It was like - I don 't really know what happened , but I couldn 't move their hands . It looked like I was touching their hands and I tried to move them , yet when I would give it the stroke , their hands were still there . I don 't know whether my hand was going through it , around it , or what . I didn 't feel any pressure against their hands when I was trying to move them ( 34 ) . People were walking up from all directions to get to the wreck . I could see them , and I was in the middle of a very narrow walkway . Anyway , as they came by , they wouldn 't seem to notice me . They would just keep walking with their eyes straight ahead . As they came real close , I would try to turn around , to get out of their way , but they would just walk through me ( 35 ) . My being felt as if it had density to it , almost , but not a physical density - kind of like , I don 't know , waves or something I guess . Nothing really physical , almost as if were charged , if you 'd like to call it that . But it felt as if it had something to it … ( 38 ) . When I came out of the physical body , it was like I did come out of my body and go into something else . I didn 't think it was just nothing . It was another body … but not a regular human body . It 's a little bit different . It was not exactly like a human body . But it wasn 't any big glob of matter either . It had form to it but no colors ( 39 ) . I remember being wheeled into the operating room and the next few hours were the critical period . During that time , I kept getting in and out of my physical body , and I could see it from directly above . But , while I did , I was still in a body - not a physical body , but something I can best describe as an energy pattern . If I had to put it into words , I would say that it was transparent , a spiritual as opposed to a material being . Yet , it definitely had parts ( 40 ) . Rabeinu Bachaye ( app . 1050 - 1120 ) , Vayechi , The ethereal body in which the soul is clothed … has substance but is extremely fine . In this way it sometimes appears in the form of a body , for example from Erev Shabbos to Erev Shabbos or from Yom Kippur to Yom Kippur . It floats around in the world according to the will of God , and appears to whom ever it chooses . I had this experience when I was giving birth to a child . The delivery was very difficult and I lost a lot of blood . The doctor gave me up and told my relatives that I was dying . However , I was quite alert during the whole thing , and even as I heard him say this , I felt myself coming to . As I did , I realized that all these people were there ; almost in multitudes it seems , hovering around the ceiling of the room . They were all people I had known in my past life , but who had passed on before . I recognized my grandmother and a girl I had known in school , and many other relatives and friends . It seems that I mainly saw their faces and felt their presence . They all seemed pleased . It was a very happy occasion , and I felt they had come to protect or to guide me . It was almost as if I were coming home , and they were there to greet or to welcome me . All this time I had the feeling of everything light and beautiful . It was a beautiful and glorious moment ( 46 ) . While I was dead , in this void , I talked to people - and yet , I really couldn 't say that I talked to any bodily people . Yet , I had the feeling that there were people around me , and I could feel their presence , and could feel them moving . Every now and then , I would talk with one of them , but I couldn 't see them . And whenever I wondered what was going on , I would always get a thought back from one of them , that everything was alright , that I was dying but would be fine . So , my condition never worried me . I always got an answer back for every question that I asked . They didn 't leave my mind void ( 48 ) . Zohar , Ha ' azinu 288a , When Ya ' akov departed , Avraham and Yitzchak came to receive him . Avraham stood to his right , and Yitzchak to his left . Ya ' akov was between them and the Shechina was in front of him . Rabbi Shimon lifted up his eyes and saw the Angel of Death running and dancing before Rabbi Yitzchak . Rabbi Shimon stood up , held Rabbi Yitzchak by the hand and said : I decree that whoever is used to come to me shall enter , and he who is not used to shall not come . Rabbi Yitzchak and Rabbi Yehuda came in . And he thus kept the Angel of Death remaining outside … Rabbi Shimon said to Rabbi Yitzchak , Have you seen your father 's image today , or have you not ? For we have learned that when a man departs from the world , his father and relatives are there with him , and he sees and recognizes them . And all those with whom he will dwell in the other world in the same chamber , all gather to be with him , and accompany his soul to its dwelling place . Rabbi Yitzchak said : Until now I have not seen my father . Rabbi Shimon stood up and said : Master of the universe , we have a certain Rabbi Yitzchak with us , one of the seven eyes here ; Behold , I hold him , give Him to me ! A voice resounded saying … Behold , Rabbi Yitzchak is yours , and you shall come with him when you shall sit in your throne at the time you depart from the world . I had a very bad allergic reaction to local anesthetic , and I just quit breathing - I had respiratory arrest . The first thing that happened - it was real quick - was that I went through this dark , black vacuum at super speed . You could compare it to a tunnel , I guess . I felt like I was riding on a roller coaster train at an amusement park , going through this tunnel at tremendous speed ( 21 ) . I was in an utterly dark , black void . It is very difficult to explain , but I felt as if I was moving in a vacuum , just through blackness . Yet , I was quite conscious . It was like being in a cylinder with no air in it . It was a feeling of limbo , of being halfway here , and halfway somewhere else ( 22 ) . I was in a narrow v - shaped passage , like a trough , about the width of this chair . It just fit my body , and my hands and arms seemed to be down at my side . I went head first , and it was dark , dark as could be in there . I moved on through it , downward , and I looked up and saw a beautiful , polished door , with no knob . Around the edges of the door I could see a really brilliant light , with rays just streaming like everyone was really happy in there , and reeling around , moving around . It seemed like it was awfully busy in there . Zohar , Chayei Sarah , But Avraham looked at Adam , saw his shape , and lived . He saw a light shining from within the cave and a candle burning . Then he wanted to dwell in that cave , and his heart and desire were always there . Man sees Adam when he dies and passes from the world . Vayechi , 250b , Come and behold : When Ya ' akov entered the cave , all the perfumes of the Garden of Eden filled it . The cave was alight , for a candle burned there . When the patriarchs came to Ya ' akov in Egypt to be with him , the candlelight was gone from the cave . When Ya ' akov came into the cave , the candle returned … The souls of the righteous pass before the fathers inside the cave , so that they will awake and behold the seed they left in the world , and rejoice before the Holy One , blessed be He . Zohar , Lech Lecha 81a , When the soul leaves this world , it enters the cave of Machpelah , where the opening leading to the Garden of Eden is located . Then it meets Adam and the Patriarchs who are there . If the soul is meritorious , they rejoice with it and open all the openings so the soul can enter Gan Eden . If not , it is pushed outside . I heard the doctors say I was dead , and that 's when I began to feel as if I were tumbling , actually kind of floating , through this blackness , which was some kind of enclosure . There are not really words to describe this . Everything was very black , except that , way off from me , I could see this light . It was a very , very brilliant light , but not too large at first . It grew larger as I came nearer and nearer to it . I was trying to get to that light at the end , because I felt that it was Jesus , and I was trying to reach that point . It was not a frightening experience . It was more or less a pleasant thing . For being a Christian , I immediately connected the light with Jesus … I said to myself , " If this is it , if I am to die , than I know who waits for me at the end , there in that light . " ( 52 ) I floated … up into this pure crystal clear light , an illuminating white light . It was so beautiful and so bright , so radiant , but it didn 't hurt my eyes . It 's not any kind of light you can describe on earth . I didn 't actually see a person in this light , and yet it has a special identity , it definitely does . It is a light of perfect understanding and perfect love . I knew I was dying and that there was nothing I could do about it , because no one could hear me . I was out of my body , there 's no doubt about it , because I could see my own body there on the operating table . My soul was out ! All this made me feel very bad at first , but then , this really bright light came . It seemed a little dim at first , but then it was this huge beam . It was just a tremendous amount of light , nothing like a bright flash light , it was just too much light . And it gave off heat , I felt a warm sensation . It was a bright yellowish white - more white . It was tremendously bright . I just can 't describe it . It seemed that it covered everything , yet it didn 't prevent me from seeing everything around me - the operating room , the doctors and nurses , everything . I could see clearly and it wasn 't blinding . At first , when the light came , I wasn 't sure what was happening , but then it asked , it kind of asked me if I was ready to die . It was like talking to a person , but a person wasn 't there . The light is what was talking to me , but in a voice . Now , I think that the voice that was talking to me actually realized that I wasn 't ready to die . You know , it was just kind of testing me more than anything else . Yet , from the moment the light spoke to me , I felt really good - secure and loved . The love that comes from it is just unimaginable , indescribable ( 54 ) . Midrash Raba , Pinchas , 21 : 17 ( 117 ) , the ministering angels who are like burning fire , from what are they sustained ? From the light of the Shechina . When they gaze on the incredibly intense light of the Shechina , they are filled with its light which is their soul and they are revitalized . When the light appeared , the first thing he said to me was , " What do you have to show me that you 've done with your life ? " or something to this effect . And that 's when these flashbacks started . I thought , " Gee what 's going on ? " because all of a sudden I was back in my early childhood . And from then on , it was like I was walking from the time of my very early life , on through each year of my life , right up to the present … The things that flashed back came on the order of my life , and they were so vivid . The scenes were just like you walked outside and saw them , completely three - dimensional , and in color . And they moved . It wasn 't like I was watching it from my perspective at the time it that it happened , rather it was like I saw somebody else in a movie , yet it was me … He disappeared as soon he asked me what I had done , and the flashbacks started , and yet I knew he was there the entire time , because I felt his presence , and because he made comments here and there . He was trying to show me something in each one of these flashbacks . It 's not like he was trying to see what I had done - he knew already - but he was picking out these certain flashbacks of my life and putting them in front of me so that I would have to recall them … All through this , he kept stressing the importance of loving others … he pointed out to me that I should try to do things for others , to try my best . There wasn 't any accusation in any of this , though . When he came across times that I had been selfish , his attitude was only that I had been learning from them too . He seemed very interested in things concerning knowledge too . He kept on pointing out things that had to do with learning , and he said that even when he comes back for me ( because by then he had told me that I was going back ) that there will always be a quest for knowledge . He said that it was a continuous process , so I got the feeling that it goes on after death ( 56 ) . [ The whole situation developed very suddenly . I had had a slight fever and had not felt well for about two weeks , but this night I became rapidly ill and I felt much worse . I was lying in bed and I remember trying to reach over to my wife and say that I was very sick , but I found it was impossible to move . Beyond that , I found myself in a completely black void , and my whole life kind of flashed in front of me . It started back when I was six or seven years old , and I remembered a good friend I had in grammar school . I went from grammar school to high school to college , then to dental school , and then right on into practicing dentistry . I knew I was dying , and I remember thinking that I wanted to provide for my family . I was distraught that I was dying and that there were certain things that I had done in my life that I regretted . And other things that I regretted that I had left undone … ] This flashback was in the form of mental pictures , I would say , but they were much more vivid than normal ones . I saw only the high points , but it was so rapid it was like looking through a volume of my entire life and being able to do it within seconds . It just flashed before me like a motion picture that goes tremendously fast , yet I was able to see it , and able to comprehend it . I didn 't see anything else during this experience . There was just blackness , except for the images that I saw . Yet , I definitely felt the presence of a very powerful , completely loving being there with me through all this experience . It is really interesting . When I recovered , I could tell everyone about every part of my life , in great detail , because what I had been through . It 's quite an experience , but it 's difficult to put into words , because it happens so rapidly , yet it 's so clear ( 61 ) . While I was serving in Viet Nam , I received wounds , and I later died from them , yet through it all I knew exactly what was going on . I was hit with six rounds of machine - gun fire , and as it happened I wasn 't upset at all . In my mind , I actually felt relieved when I was wounded . I felt completely at ease , and it was not frightening . I could remember everything , everything was so vivid . It was so clear in front of me . It shot right by me , from the earliest things I can remember right on up to the present , and it all happened within a short time . And it was not anything bad at all . I went through it with no regrets , no derogatory feelings about myself at all . The best thing I can think of to compare it is a series of pictures , like slides . It was just like someone clicking off slides in front of me , very quickly ( 62 ) . Amos 4 : 13 , " Behold He fashions mountains and creates the wind , He tells a man what he spoke . " Rashi , All of a person 's deeds are reviewed before him at the time he departs . Avos 2 : 1 , " Know who is above you , an Eye that sees , an Ear that hears , and all of your deeds are recorded . " Meiri : a person will have to account for all of deeds , good or bad . Zohar , Naso , 126b , During that period while he lays bound in the chains of the King , in raising his eyes , he sees how two beings come to him . They write all that he did in this world and every word that emerged from his lips . He gives accounts about everything and it is recorded before him . And he admits all these things . I had a heart attack , and I found myself in a black void , and I knew I had left my physical body behind . I knew I was dying , and I thought , " God , I did the best I knew how at the time I did it . Please help me . " Immediately I was moved out of that blackness , through a pale gray , and I just went on , gliding and moving swiftly , and in front of me , in the distance , I could see a gray mist , and I was rushing towards it . It seemed that I just couldn 't get to it fast enough to satisfy me , and as I got closer to it I could see through it . Beyond the mist , I could see people , and their forms were just like they were on earth … The whole thing was permeated with the most gorgeous light - a living , golden yellow glow … As I approached more closely , I felt certain that I was going through that mist . It was such a wonderful , joyous feeling ; there are just no words in human language to describe it . Yet , it wasn 't my time to go through the mist , because instantly from the other side appeared my Uncle Carl , who had died many years earlier . He blocked my path saying , " Go back . Your work on earth has not been completed . Go back now . " ( 68 ) I wondered whether I should stay there , but as I did I remembered my family , my three children and my husband . Now , this is the part that is hard to get across : When I had this wonderful feeling , there in the presence of that light , I really didn 't want to come back . But I take my responsibilities very seriously , and I knew that I had a duty to my family . So I decided to try to come back ( 71 ) . It was wonderful over there on the other side , and I kind of wanted to stay . But knowing that I had something good to do on earth was just as wonderful in a way . So , I was thinking , " Yes , I must go back and live . " And I got back into my physical body . I almost feel as though I stopped the bleeding myself . At any rate , I began to recover after that ( 72 ) . I was with my elderly aunt during her last illness , which was very drawn out . I helped take care of her , and all that time everyone in the family was praying for her to regain her health . She stopped breathing several times , but they brought her back . Finally , one day she looked at me and said , " Joan , I have been over there , over to the beyond and it is beautiful over there . I want to stay , but I can 't as long as you keep praying for me to stay with you . Your prayers are holding me over here . Please don 't pray anymore . " We did all stop , and shortly after that she died ( 74 ) . The doctor had already said that I was gone , but I lived through it . Yet , the experience I had been through was so joyous , I had no bad feelings at all . As I came back , I opened my eyes , and my sister and husband saw me . I could see their relief , and tears were pouring from their eyes . I could see that it was a relief to them that I had survived . I felt as if I had been called back - magnetized back - through the love of my sister and my husband . Since then , I have believed that other people can draw you back ( 74 ) . I didn 't want to go back , but I had no choice , and immediately I was back in my body . I felt that horrible pain in my chest , and I heard my little boy crying , " God , bring my mommy back to me . " ( 68 ) Rosh Hashanah 17a ( 100 ) , Rav Huna was very ill . Rav Papa came to visit him . When he saw how sick Rav Huna was and that he was about to die , he told his attendants to prepare the burial shrouds and make the other funeral arrangements . Rave Huna died , and then later come back to life . Rav Papa asked him what he saw while he was dead . Rav Huna replied that he heard God pronounce to the heavenly court , " Since Rav Huna was forgiving of others in his lifetime and didn 't demand strict judgement , we shall not judge him harshly and he shall return to life . " On the day that R ' Yosi of Pekiin died , his friends R ' Elazar , R Abba and others were walking on the way . Suddenly a raven appeared to them and crowed violently before them . R Elazar understood that it was telling them that R Yosi of Pekiin had died , and that there was no one to bury him . When they arrived at his house , they found his young child crying with his lips on his father 's lips and shouting , Master of the world , it says in the Torah : " If a bird 's nest chance to be before you … you shall surely let the mother go … and then take the young " ( Devarim 22 : 6 ) . There were two children to my father and mother , myself and my younger sister . Our mother died , and now You should have taken us . Instead , You have taken my father , who was our protection , and you took him away from the children . Where is the justice in the Torah ? Rabbi Elazar and his friends cried on account of the grief and tears of the child . Suddenly a pillar of fire separated them from the departed , but the child was still attached to the lips of his father and did not separate . Rabbi Elazar said , the pillar of fire has separated either because the Holy One , blessed be He , wishes to perform a miracle and revive him , or He desires that no one else deal with him other than his son . However , I cannot bear to see the child 's tears or to hear what he is saying . Rabbi Elazar and the friends rose , and did not allow anyone to stay in the house . They immediately noticed the pillar of fire was gone . Rabbi Yosi opened his eyes and the child was still glued with his lips to his lips . Rabbi Elazar said , Blessed is our lot that we witnessed the resurrection of the dead eye to eye . They approached him and the child fell asleep . They said , blessed is your lot , Rabbi Yosi , and blessed is the Merciful , who performed a miracle for your sake due to the crying and weeping of your son . Life was added to you because of his true and heartfelt speech that reached to the gates of heaven and due to his pleading and tears . Rabbi Yosi said to them , Friends , I was not given permission to reveal what I observed in that world , until twelve years time . However , the 365 tears that my son spilled came into account before the Holy King . And I tell you friends , at the time he said that verse and cried out with those words , 300 , 000 benches that were in the Yeshiva of heaven were shaken . All the souls stood before the Holy King and asked for compassion towards me , and guaranteed for me that I would not sin . But after this thing happened to me , I wanted to know more . At the time , though , I didn 't think there was a person who would know anything about this , because I had never been out of this little world that I was in . I didn 't know anything about psychology , or anything like that . All I knew is that I felt liked I aged overnight after this happened , since it opened up a whole new world for me which I never knew could possibly exist . I kept thinking , " There 's so much I 've got to find out . " In other words , there 's more to life than Friday night movies and the football game . And there 's more to me that I don 't even know about . And then I started thinking about " what is the limit of the human and of the mind ? " It just opened me up to a whole new world ( 82 ) . But since I died , all of a sudden , right after my experience , I started wondering whether I had been doing the things I had done because they were good , or because they were good for me . Before , I just reacted off the impulse . But now I run things through my mind first , nice and slow . Everything seems to have to go through my mind first and be digested . I try to do things that have more meaning , and that makes my mind and soul feel better . And I try not to be biased , and not to judge people . I want to do things because they are good , not because they are good for me . And it seems that the understanding I have of things is much better . I feel like this is because of what happened to me , because of the places I went and the things I saw in this experience ( 83 ) . I was more conscious of my mind at the time than of that physical body . The mind was the most important part , instead of the shape of the body . And before , all my life , it had been exactly reversed . The body was my main interest and what was going on in my mind , well , it was just going on , and that 's all . But after this happened , my mind is the main point of attraction , and the body is second - it is only something to encase my mind ( 85 ) . And myself , my friends , during that period when I left the world my spirit was gone and departed immediately until a little later when the Holy One , blessed be He , brought me back to life . During that time , my body was dead . During the time when my son began with these utterances , his soul escaped and flew to meet my soul that was rising from her immersion , and re - entered wherever it did . There , they sentenced and judged it and I was given 22 years of life for the sake of my son 's utterances and tears . From here on , I need to strive regarding the things of that world , and I am no longer to strive after matters of this world . After seeing what I saw , the Holy One , blessed be He , wishes me not to forget anything . |
The typewriter stood silent . Black metal glittering in the harsh florescent light . Ivy stood mesmerized by the way the keys called to her . " Why does it have to stay in that display case , Daddy ? " she asked , turning to look at the man behind the desk . He looked up at her , his eyes resting on her wrinkled brow and sighed . " I 've told you before , Ivy . That typewriter means a lot to me . I started my career with that thing . " He glanced over at the display case , a frown tugging at the corner of his mouth . " I 've created our lives with that . Everything I have , I owe to that hunk of metal . I don 't know what I would do if something happened to it . " Her father nodded . " In a lot of ways , it did , pumpkin . I would never have found the courage to share my words with the world if it hadn 't been for that thing . " Ivy eyed the typewriter with awe . " I want to be like you , Daddy . I want to share my words with the world too . " She turned and looked at her father , putting on her best pout . " Maybe it can give me courage . Please , Daddy ? Please ? " He shook his head as he closed the laptop and stood up . " You don 't need that relic to be a writer , Ivy . You can use the computer downstairs . " He walked around the desk and wrapped an arm around his daughter . " And if you decide you really like writing , I 'll buy you a laptop of your own . " Ivy tiptoed silently down the hall , taking the cold doorknob in her hand . Glancing around her , she opened her father 's office door , quickly slipping in . Reaching blindly , her fingers collided with the plastic switch and the room was bathed in the fluorescent light once again . She looked around the room , her eyes instantly falling on the display case . All evening her mind kept wandering back to the archaic machine . She had no clue why it fascinated her so much . All she could think of was how wonderful her words would look on a sheet of paper from that typewriter . She slipped across the room to where the display case rested on a table against the far wall . Her hands slid along the glass as she peered adoringly inside . She wanted to be a real writer like her father . If this was what started his career , it could start hers as well . Ivy carefully lifted the glass box from the typewriter , setting it to the side . Holding her breath in awe , she brushed her fingers over the sparkly black keys . How exquisite it was compared to the boring , everyday computers which filled the world . She could see herself writing the next great novel with this machine . This was the romance of being an author . She looked down at the paper still in the paper guide . Curiously , she pried up the paper release and pulled the paper towards her , taking in the typed words . It must be the last thing her father wrote on it . Her eyes fluttered over it , her lips turning down in a frown as she read it . I will be a famous writer . I will have a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter named , Ivy . They will both love me very much . I will be happy and have everything I ever wanted . My life will be good . Ivy stared at the words . Why would her father leave something like this in the typewriter ? Her eyes drifted over the words again , when suddenly they began to fade . Lighter and lighter the ink became until it disappeared completely . She gasped in shock , letting the paper fall to the floor . She looked around her nervously . How had that happened ? Words didn 't disappear like that . She stepped back , away from the display case . Something wasn 't right with that typewriter . She shook her head as tears formed in her eyes . How could she have known ? Things like that weren 't possible . She wanted to scream , to cry out how sorry she was , but she stayed silent as she watched herself fade from reality . She opened the worn leather book , its over - sized pages cracking with age . She sneezed as the movement stirred the dust clinging to it as she turned to the last page . Her eyes drifted to the last bit of blank space left in the book . How quickly time passed . She 'd written the first prophecy before time even started . Now here she was , pen poised to document the Last Prophecy . The one that would change everything . She stared at her hands as she wrote , worn and wrinkled as the leather book . The prophecies were her burden to carry ; and she had for so long . The words burned into her mind with such intensity they had to be bled onto the paper ; either that or she would surely combust from within for containing such knowledge . They weren 't hers to keep . She was the messenger ; only a slave to the paper and ink . Yet … it was changing . This was the last . They were letting her go because there was nothing else to write . Leaning closer to the page , she blew , letting her dry , old breath seal in the ink , forging it there forever . Her eyes drank in the words one last time , trying to release them from her mind . Two lives separated must now become one . The changing world must be undone . The light in the darkness needs protected at all cost . If it should fail , then all is lost . She pushed the curiosity from her mind as she closed the old book , placing it on a shelf . It blended in with the other books around it . Now obsolete in this time of transition . She walked away , her old bones creaking as she went . The prophecy was no longer her burden . It sat upon the shoulders of the oracles in the world below her . Let them worry and fret , making sense from the words her mind bore . It didn 't matter what it meant . Only that it was the last . She could move on , no more words and ink stains . No more messages being forced into her mind . She was free . I sit and watch you . You are beauty personified . The way your brow creases when you 're concentrating . The way you throw your head back when you laugh . The way you smile , genuine and pure , like the heart of a newborn . I adore these things and more . There is so much to you . So much that other people can 't even see . I do . I see it all and I can 't get enough . The way you make me feel is exhilarating . I feel I could do anything because you exist in the world . You are all I think about . Day . Night . It 's always you . You are my everything . I breathe because you breathe . My heart beats only to sync with yours . I am your slave , chained to you by these unseen ropes of devotion . I watch you at work . I watch you with your friends and family . I watch you out in public . The times I can 't watch you I ache so deeply I think my soul might rip in two . My eyes were meant to take you in ; it 's pure torment when they can 't do what they were created for . I stand in your room at night , watching you sleep . I hear the soft sounds of breath your body takes in while you dream , and it makes my knees weak . The feel of your skin excites me to no end . These stolen moments , when I am this close , is pure paradise to me . I long to climb into bed and put my arms around you , holding you until the morning light comes , but I never do . I know it 's not time . I 'm not ready to risk my heart . I have been hurt before . That 's what has made me so cautious . There have been others I 've wanted . They didn 't understand what I felt for them . They couldn 't see what I had to offer . We could have been perfection . They were blind , so bad things happened . I don 't want that to happen with you . It would hurt too much to do the bad things to you . You are my everything . My whole life has become you . I know I don 't have to worry about that . I can see who you are inside . You 'll know true love when you see it . You won 't be blind like the others . I 'm sure of that because you are perfection . I know I can trust you with my heart . Joy Westcott stood at the window . Streaks of light danced across the sky , heralding in a dark bank of clouds . She shivered as the first rain drops struck the glass . They beat out a hypnotic rhythm , lulling her into false tranquility . She breathed ; condensation coating the glass where her foggy exhale touched it . Stepping back , she checked the thermostat on the wall . 70 degrees and holding . She tapped at it , convinced it was broken . Thunder boomed overhead and the floor shook , quivering like a frightened child . She glanced around as confusion fogged her mind . When did the ground ever react to the sky ? The tremor grew stronger , then stopped , falling silent before the storm . The lights flickered , then went out as another rumble split the sky . She glanced at the emergency candles glowing in the gloom . Thank goodness , she 'd thought ahead . Tonight wasn 't a night to be in the dark . It wasn 't safe . But , as she watched the clouds drawing closer , she realized it was true . A prophetic shudder crept up her shoulders . It weighed upon her as much as anything alive would . It might be the last night of her life . It might also be the end of every life in the world . She pressed her face closer to the glass . Lightning flared , turning the large bay window into a mirror . Immediately her eyes moved to the reflected candlelight burning behind her . In that instant , a figure moved , blocking one of the candles from view . Joy gasped as the lightning died , once again gazing out onto her neighborhood . Fear flooded through her , fast and hard , cementing her to that spot . Something was behind her . That was absurd . She was alone . All the doors were locked . There couldn 't be anyone behind her . Yet … she knew there was . She 'd seen it move . A jagged gasp emitted from her throat as a slithering occurred behind her . She wanted to turn , to see what lay in wait for her , but fear held her body tight . It constricted around her as real as any solid bands . She was helpless , nothing more than prey for whatever lurked behind . Hearing a sharp hiss of breath , the room filled with darkness . A scream ripped from Joy 's throat , terror crushing the sound into nothing more than a gurgle . This was it . She was going to die and she wouldn 't even see it coming . Her mind raced . Why her ? Why now ? If her life was going to end tonight , shouldn 't she at least be given that much ? The slithering sounded again , moving closer . " Yes , " a voice answered , barely more human than a garbage disposal . " After all , it is my birthday . " Joy cringed at its choice of words . Something had been born into the world . Something dark and sinister . Something that shouldn 't be . " What are you ? " she asked . I turned , looking around me . I was alone . No one else occupied the dark street . It had been like that for the last week . Ever since that day . People say when you have a near death experience you come back with something . I always thought that was absurd . How could your body gain anything as your cells shut down one by one ? If anything , you should come back with less than what you had to start with . Death is a decaying process . It strips you down until there 's nothing left but dust and bones . No more than nutrients for the ground below . It doesn 't add layers . It doesn 't bestow anything . It didn 't matter where I went . They were right . They 'd always find me . I was the flame to those voices , they fluttered around me , drawn for reasons I will never understand . When I died , I wasn 't given anything . Instead , I had things taken from me . My life , my sanity , taken from me in a blink of an eye . I wasn 't given any special gifts . Frankie 's reaction scared Owen more than the strange lights and the phantom toys . He was a gentle dog . The boy didn 't think he 'd ever heard him growl once in his life . The boy pushed back the covers and swung his legs over the edge of the bed as the light beams danced around the room . His body trembled as he thought about running for the door . He was too old to cry out for his mommy . Ten - year - olds didn 't do that sort of thing . What would people say about him ? But … something was wrong . Toys didn 't turn on by themselves and lights definitely didn 't appear in the sky . He was in danger . He needed his parents to make it all right . Owen swung his legs back in bed and wrapped the blankets around himself . Fear swam through his veins as he pictured what might be out there . Maybe it was only his parents , coming to see what the noise was , but he didn 't think so . Not the way Frankie was acting . Movement stirred in the darkness and a small shape stepped forward , coming into the room . It was completely grey , devoid of any hair or clothing . Two almond shape eyes stared out of an oversized head . They were like blank TV screens blinking up at the boy . Owen whimpered as he scooted away from the edge of the bed , drawing the blankets even tighter around him . The creature looked like those things in the Sci - Fi movies his father liked to watch . It was one of those creatures who did strange experiments on humans . The dog turned , following the creature with his eyes , a huge doggy grin on his face . He sniffed the air and then hunched over . The dog whined as his fur split open along his back . Anger replaced fear as Owen stared at Frankie . The alien had turned his best friend into a monster . He threw off the blankets and glared at the small creature standing next to his bed . " Our people sent your father and I here when I was pregnant with you . We brought Frankie with us to watch over you when you were born . We have spent the last ten years studying the human race . In that time , we have learned all we can . There 's nothing more to do . " She got up off the bed and headed for the door . " Your father is helping Grandpa load everything on the ship . You have a few minutes to say goodbye to everything here . " He looked around the room , feeling a bit teary - eyed . What were they doing to him ? Didn 't they know life was hard enough for a ten - year - old ? Why did they have to spring this on him as well ? She stopped in the doorway . " Yes , Owen . We do . This isn 't our home , it was only an assignment . Don 't worry , we have a lot of friends and family waiting for us . You won 't even miss this place . I 'll be back in ten minutes for you and Frankie . We 'll do your form change before we leave . " Owen sat there , tears running down his cheeks as he watched the slobbering monster at the foot of his bed . They were a family of monsters . They were what children feared . " It 'll be okay , sweetheart , " his mom said , taking in the boy 's sadness . " Think of it as an adventure . You love adventures . " She disappeared through the doorway into the darkness . Owen got out of bed , fending of slobbery kisses from the thing that used to be Frankie . He looked around the room , his heart filling with sadness . What did a boy take with him to a new planet ? She pulled her fingernails off one by one , the flesh tearing as she pried them loose . She flicked them into the empty ashtray as she went . They clicked against the glass , hard , before setting at the bottom . The sound cut through the silence that hung heavily in the cheap motel room . Her heart broke as she stared at the black painted pieces in the ashtray . They were no longer a part of her . It wasn 't fair ; she had given up everything for him . She sighed as she ripped the last nail free . She was doing the right thing . They couldn 't find his blood under her nails if she didn 't have them anymore . Lucy rolled her eyes . They were in high school . They were too old for name calling . " Why don 't Shawn and Beth have to do it ? " she asked , motioning to the other side of the field . Two more of their friends stood there , their flashlight beams bouncing around the grass . " This is dumb , " Lucy said , her heart hammering away in her chest . " Everybody in the neighborhood plays in this field . There 's nothing out here but weeds and trash . " She did know . People walked through the field all the time . Kids spent long summer hours on their own out here , yet the field had a strange vibe to it . Something was off . That never left anyone 's mind as they used the place . Kyle nodded . " As long as you don 't look back you 'll be fine . That 's all there is to it . It 's a piece of cake . " Her eyes drifted back to the field , trying to see through the darkness coating it like a blanket . Anything could be out there . How could she be brave when anything could happen ? " Oh , please , " Lisa said , pushing past her . " I 'll go first . I don 't want to wait all night for a scared , little baby to take her first step . " She looked Lucy dead in the eyes . " You need to grow up if you want to continue to hang out with us . We don 't socialize with losers . " With that she stepped onto the path , her flashlight beam sweeping back and forth with each determined step . Lucy watched , her breath caught in her throat . How could anyone think this was a good idea ? The night paused , like a thousand eyes fixed on them , waiting for one wrong step . Lucy glared at him , but held her tongue . What happened to her friends ? They use to be fun . Now all they did was put her down . " Fine . I 'll go next , " he said , rolling his eyes . " Maybe once you 're left all alone you 'll be more eager to cross . " He stepped into the field . " See you on the other side . " Lucy watched him go , dread building with every step he took away from her . Why were they so eager to humiliate her ? Was this the only excuse they could find to ditch her ? She knew she would never be one of the cool kids . She was too unsure of everything . She didn 't have the confidence the others had . Well , no way . If they wanted to stop being friends they 'd have to tell her to her face . She wouldn 't let them use her fear of the field as an excuse . She took one step into the field and then another . She could imagine the look on her friends ' faces as she drew near . She refused to hand them a excuse for destroying their friendship . Let them be the bad guys . Lucy 's eyes locked onto the flashlights in front of her . She didn 't know what was behind her but she refused to turn around . Kyle said she 'd be fine if she didn 't look back . She didn 't know if they 'd been teasing her or not , but she didn 't dare risk it . It wasn 't like the field was a normal place . She had half a mind to turn around and leave them where they stood . Who needed friends like these ? She certainly didn 't . She could make new friends . Friends who didn 't treat her like dirt . " We 'll leave you here , Lucy , " Lisa snapped . " Is that what you want ? Take a few more steps to prove yourself or we 'll leave you alone like the baby you are . " Terror wrapped around Lucy as the footsteps stopped behind her . Something was there and her friends weren 't going to do anything about it . She tried to take a step forward but fear turned her legs to cement . Black eyes stared out of a twisted white face as the creature who touched her drew its hand back . Its body was nothing more than shriveled flesh under the black leather it wore . It towered over her as it grinned down with a blood red slash full of teeth . A smile spread across Lucy 's lips as she felt her sanity slip away . She dropped to her knees , staring up at the monstrosity . " Hello , friend . " Have you ever seen an old rope swing hanging from one lonely tree ? It hangs there , swaying slightly in the breeze . Its seat covered with dead petals and leaves and you know it hasn 't been used in years . It 's a sad sight and sometimes you think they should just take it down . Along time ago , every patch of woods had a tree that stood away from the rest . It was called an Imp Wood . That tree was feared because of the strange things that happened nearby it . It wasn 't like the tree could be avoided . Imp Woods were always within sight distance from the dwellings . You could look out the window and see it , mocking you with its ominous presence . Rope swings went up all around the world and Imp Woods lost their Darkness . You could still feel a presence , but the danger was gone . Whatever inhabited the trees seemed pacified by the swings . Cities formed and the trees were cut down to make room for the urban developments . Imp Woods became forgotten . They were nothing more than folk tales handed down through the generations . Their Darkness was no longer relevant to society . Slowly , people began planting trees . These trees were placed here and there , any where people thought they might look good . They were no longer part of a forest or grove , they were only trees standing alone . Death , violence , and disappearances run rampant through our cities . We shudder and weep because of it , but we have no idea that it 's our own fault . We 've forgotten to make our offerings . I sneezed yesterday . It wasn 't particularly loud or long . It was just a normal something - tickling - your - nose sneeze . I guess I wasn 't paying attention or something , because I forgot to close one eye . I know you 're saying that 's not possible . Our bodies automatically close our eyes when we sneeze . Well , something went wrong . One of my eyes didn 't close . I didn 't do it on purpose . It was an accident . I was just going along , minding my own business , when I sneezed , and my right eye stayed open . I ran to my mother , to tell her what happened , but she took one look at me and screamed . My eyeball was bight red . She said it looked like I was staring at her through a pool of blood . He told her I was fine . He said I burst the blood vessels in my eye , but that wasn 't anything to worry about . The blood would go away on its own . As for the blurriness , I 'd strained the eye and it needed to rest . He taped a gauze pad over that eye and told me to wear it for a week . With rest , my eye would be as good as new . Better even . Everything was fine during that week . There was no pain and my mother kept me home from school . I got all the TV and ice cream I wanted . It was like a mini summer vacation . Then my week was over . It was time to remove the gauze . At first my vision was still a little blurry . I couldn 't make out anything I was seeing with that eye . After a few days , the blurriness went away and my vision was as good as before . Everything looked different with that eye . I could close my right eye and see things like I always did . A lamp . A vase . If I looked at it with my right eye open and left eye closed , it would be different . A burnt lamp . A shattered vase . Nothing was the same . Things got worse the more I looked . I saw my brother 's bloated corpse floating in the hallway when I knew he was standing there , alive and talking . I saw my cat , Tigger , hanging from a tree from his own entrails even though he was only climbing it . I tried to make her understand . I wasn 't disabled with the gauze on . I was better . If I didn 't look through the eye , I wouldn 't have to see what really was . Everything I 've seen is real on a different level than we know . It 's waiting for us there . I 'm sure of this . I don 't know why my messed up eye can see it , but it does . Mom doesn 't believe me . She hopes that I 'm looking for attention , but deep down she 's worried the sneeze gave me brain damage . I wish that was the case . I 'd be able to sleep at night . I 'm hiding in my room , the gauze on my eye , and the lights off . Monsters lurk in the world behind the world . If I can 't see anything , I won 't have to know what 's out there . My parents are deciding what to do with me . They want me see someone . I don 't want to see anyone . I 'd rather not tell them what I see lurking over everyone 's shoulder . My TweetsError : Twitter did not respond . Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page . 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Well , it has been a busy week . My son is about to celebrate his eighth birthday , so we have been getting ready . I have also been working on a new book which I hope to finish soon . I got some exciting news from my publisher recently that the 3rd book in the Club X series , Shadows of Ecstasy , would be coming out soon . As soon as I have a release date I will let you know . I hope that you are enjoying Choices . This is one of my favorite books . Scanning the road , Jackson parked the bike in front of the cabin . Too many busybodies were home right now that might overhear what they had to say , so he grabbed her hand to lead her inside . Once they were in the safety of the house , he turned to face her . " You wanted to talk … Talk . " She stared at him , not knowing what to say , how to explain . She wanted to tell him everything . She wanted to collapse against him , and feel his arms curl around her . But she couldn 't . She thought of the scholarship that waited for him . If she didn 't stop seeing him , her father would ruin him . She was sure of that . Her father was not a man of compassion . He did not have any sympathy for others . Hadn 't he already threatened to run Jackson out of town ? He would do it . There was little doubt of that . She couldn 't let that happen . She loved him too much to watch his dreams die . Jackson would never let her father stop them . He wasn 't the type of man to let anyone stand in the way of something he wanted . He would gladly sacrifice his future to keep the promises he made to her . Tears formed in her eyes . She couldn 't let him give up everything to be with her . She refused to be the selfish person her father was . There was only one thing she could do . " I know that you talked to Leah , " she explained slowly . " No , " she cried out with a shake of her head . " I 'm afraid that I will ruin everything you 've worked for . " Her hand came up to cover her mouth , as if she could physically stop the words that had already left her lips . But she couldn 't . " What are you talking about ? Ruin everything I 've worked for ? " he asked , his eyes narrowing . She turned away , afraid he would be able to see the truth in her eyes . " I didn 't mean that . It 's just … It would never work , Jackson . You have to know that , " she reasoned . He crossed the room in two long strides , his hands covering her shoulders . He gave her a quick shake . " I don 't give a damn what everyone will accept ! But you do , don 't you ? That 's what this is really about isn 't it ? You care what all the people in this damned town think , and they wouldn 't take too kindly to you being with trash like me . " " No ! I didn 't say that ! " Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes . She wanted more than anything to tell him the truth , to make him understand that she was only doing what was best for him , but she couldn 't . " I 'm sorry , " she murmured , her voice quivering . Jackson pushed her away , storming to the other side of the room , his hand driving through his hair . He leaned a hand on the wall as he stared out the window . For a few minutes , they didn 't speak . " It 's the money , isn 't it ? " She looked at him knowing that this one lie would forever damn her in his eyes . She also knew it was the only way . " Yes , " she whispered . The pain was so intense she thought for a moment she might die . But death would have been a much better fate . " I 'm sorry , " she said . They didn 't speak the whole ride back . Clinging to him , she could feel the tension in his body . She wished that she could hold on to him forever , but she knew she couldn 't . She had already lost him inside that cabin . That was the worst part . Later that night as she lay on her bed doing homework , all she thought of was what Jackson said . The pain she had seen in his eyes made her want to die . She tried to tell herself that it was for the best , that at least this way he would have a future , but deep down she was drowning . How could she spend the rest of her life without him ? How could she watch him leave without telling him how much she loved him ? A knock on her door made her sit up in bed . " Come in , " she called out . His harsh laughter filled the room . " That 's not what Dad seems to think . He seems to think the two of you will make the perfect couple . " " Really , " she answered a little more firmly as she tried to pass him . He blocked the doorway , his arms crossed over his chest as he stared down at her . She pushed him , barely budging him from the doorjamb . " Curtis , get out of my way , " she demanded , her temper rising . She hurried down the stairs to find Derrick waiting in the foyer . His head rose at her arrival . " Derrick , what are you doing here ? Were we supposed to go out tonight ? " " Surely your homework can wait , Mallory , " her father instructed . She spun on her heel to stare at him in shock . The look in his eyes warned her not to refuse . She turned around to face Derrick . " Alright , then . Just give me a minute , " she said , before running up the stairs . And so her life went for the next two weeks . She played the part her father wanted knowing that the face she was putting on had nothing to do with the person she held inside . She went out with Derrick almost every night at her father 's insistence . In truth , she couldn 't even lie and say that it was a hardship . Derrick was funny and charming . Being with him was … easier . He was accepted . He was one of them . The more time she spent with him the clearer her father 's intentions became . He left little doubt that he thought they were a good match , and he was doing everything in his power to make sure that they ended up together . She hated going along with his plans , and the rebellious part of her nature wanted to fight him . Still , she wouldn 't risk Jackson 's future just to prove a point . Besides that , it seemed like everyone was happy that things were back to normal . Even Leah seemed relieved . One eyebrow quirked up . " You ? Curtis , you 're not qualified to make my cat 's decisions . Why don 't you get out of here so I can talk to Mallory ? " she prodded . A mischievious look covered her face . " Really ? Okay , " she said turning to face Mallory with a wide grin . " I was just going to ask if you have any tampons in your locker . My flow is pretty heavy today … " She couldn 't help but chuckle at her friend 's antics . Leah was not afraid of anything or anyone , and she proved it every day . " What was all that about ? " she asked . Leah offered her a tilted grin . " I know . Can you believe it ? She is such a slut ! Kendall Parker told me that some of the other boys stuck around to watch the show . " But it did . The fact that he was moving on so quickly made it cut even deeper . She slammed her locker door shut , and practically ran toward the bathroom ignoring Leah 's call . Once she was locked inside a stall , she let the tears fall . How had everything gotten so messed up ? More than anything she wanted to confront him , but she couldn 't . She didn 't have any right . She had given up the rights she had when she broke up with him . At the sound of someone else entering the bathroom , she tried to calm herself . Mallory barely heard the rest of the conversation as they walked out . Her heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces . She couldn 't believe that Jackson could be so cold . Did he really mean that ? Did he really think that it had never been anything serious ? How could what they had together mean so little to him ? Rushing through the other kids , she made her way to the parking lot . She had to get out of here before she did something crazy like claw Cherie 's eyes out . He was walking toward his motorcycle . Knowing that she was about to make a fool of herself , she ran over to him . " Jackson , " she called out . " Jackson , we need to talk . " She could feel everyone watching them , but she didn 't care . She had to know if he really said those things to Cherie . He reached over to the put the key in the ignition without looking at her . " Careful Mal , people might think you know me . " Her eyes narrowed . " Is it true about you and Cherie Brightwater ? " A cynical smile teased his lips . " Not sure why it would matter to you . Don 't you belong to Lange ? " he challenged . Suddenly , his gaze turned cold . She forced herself to stand tall , even though , inside she was trembling . " What I do is my business . You made it very clear that you wanted no part of my life . " More than anything she wanted to tell him the truth . She didn 't want this . She didn 't want him to be with anyone else but her . " It 's not what I … " With that , she watched him start the motorcycle and ride away . She barely noticed when Derrick joined her to offer her a ride home . How had everything gotten so messed up ? The one thing she knew that she wanted was the one thing she couldn 't have . Jackson hated her , and he had every right . It was hard to believe that just a few short weeks ago she had promised to be his wife . She had been so sure of herself . And now it was over . Everything she dreamed , everything she hoped for was over . Stay tuned for more of Choices … Cal Rutledge never expected to see Emma Lake again after she walked away from him fifteen years ago . As the daughter of his father 's worst adversary , getting involved with her had been a mistake , a mistake he couldn 't make again . But when she walks into Club X , a club he secretly owns , logic and reason seem to disappear . Emma Lake has lived a lie for the past fifteen years . Ever since she walked away from the only man she ever loved to marry another man . But now the only thing she wants is to get her life back together . Fifteen years ago , they kept their affair a secret . With her father 's eyes boring into her the entire evening , Mallory did her best to keep up the façade that they were indeed a happy family . But , deep down , all she could think about was Jackson . What would he think when she didn 't show up tonight ? Would he hate her ? She wished that she could talk to him , that she could explain what happened , but her father had made sure that that was impossible . After they finished dinner , Derrick turned to her . " Why don 't we take a walk outside , Mallory ? " Derrick suggested . " Derrick … " He held up his hands . " Now , hear me out . I 'll admit that I was a jerk before . You just got me so worked up that I couldn 't control myself . I 've never been with anyone like you , Mallory , " he admitted . She stared into his eyes . She couldn 't deny that she had given Derrick plenty of mixed signals . Had she driven him to do the things he had done ? " Maybe your right , " she conceded . To her surprise , Derrick was the perfect gentleman for the rest of the night . They talked about school and music . She couldn 't deny that they had a lot in common . They hung out in the same circles , had the same friends . Before he left , Derrick pulled her aside . " David is having a pool party tomorrow . Would you go with me ? " When she hesitated , her father answered for her . " I 'm sure Mallory would love to go with you , Derrick , " he said , giving him a wink over her head . Derrick 's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion , as he glanced back and forth between father and daughter . " Well , great ! I guess I 'll pick you up at noon , then . " As the door closed behind them , her father turned to face her . " For once , you made me proud , Mallory , " he said . " Just don 't screw it up . " He disappeared into his study leaving her alone in the foyer . How could this be happening ? She felt like everything was collapsing all around her . She had become a prisoner in her own home . Lying in bed that night , she prayed that sleep would claim her , but it didn 't . Memories of Jackson clouded her mind . What was he thinking right now ? Did he hate her ? She felt the tears slide down her cheeks to wet her pillow . The next day she went to the party hoping to see Leah . When she spotted her across the patio , she quickly disengaged herself from Derrick 's arm . " Hey , Mallory , " Leah exclaimed . " Long time no see . I was beginning to think you had fallen off the earth . " Leah poured her a glass of punch , sliding it into her hand . " Here with Derrick ? " Leah inquired , motioning to him . At Mallory 's nod , she continued . " Well , then , I guess the gossip was true . " Her eyes narrowed . " What gossip ? " " That you and Derrick are back together . I mean , when Jackson Hart came over to me … " Before she could finish her statement , Mallory grabbed her by the arm . Leah choked for a minute on her drink , before regaining her composure . " Hey , watch it ! " she yelled , grimacing . Leah jerked her arm away , rubbing the skin on her forearm . She pursed her lips together . " Well , I wouldn 't say that he seemed happy about it . " " Oh my God , " she murmured , falling into the lawn chair behind her . Her hands covered her face . He must hate her , but he didn 't know , didn 't understand . " What 's the big deal , Mallory ? It 's true , isn 't it ? I mean , you 're here with Derrick , " she prodded . Before she could begin , Derrick came over to stand beside them . " Ladies , " he greeted with a smile . At their strained expressions , a frown creased his forehead . " What 's wrong ? " After a moment of hesitation , he relented . " Oh , well , good . Hey , I think we are going to get a game of chicken going . Are you in ? " he inquired . She nodded her head , ignoring Leah 's curious look , as she followed him over to the pool . Jackson probably hated her after what Leah told him . Still , it wasn 't Leah 's fault . She had told him the truth . The rest of the day went by in a blur . Playing the part her father demanded ripped her soul apart , but she did it to perfection knowing that she had no other choice . Even as she laughed at Derrick 's jokes and joined in the fun at the party , her heart was aching . She wanted to go to him , to tell him what happened , but she couldn 't . If her father found out that she defied him again , Jackson would pay the price . She couldn 't risk that . She wouldn 't . The next day Curtis drove her to school . She searched the halls in between each class , but there was no sign of Jackson . Curtis watched her like a hawk , never leaving her side . Finally , after fourth period , Derrick came up to join him . Curtis scowled , his gaze shifting back and forth between them . He leaned his head back . " I guess it would be all right , " he agreed . He gave her a pointed stare . " I 'll see you after fifth period . " Suddenly , she spotted Jackson at the end of the hall . His eyes met hers across the distance . She could see everything he was feeling . Pain . Anger . And the worst of all … betrayal . He spun on his heel to walk out the side door . Slamming the door to her locker , she turned to face Derrick . Rushing down the hall , she ran out the door in an attempt to catch up with him . Finally , she spotted him walking toward the parking lot . " Jackson , wait ! " she exclaimed , her breath coming out in short pants . Tears began to slide down her cheeks . " Jackson , the least you can do is let me explain . You owe me that much , " she demanded on a sob . He leaned back in the seat for a moment , his eyes closing . Suddenly , he scooted forward , his eyes meeting hers . " Get on , " he instructed , with a gesture of his head . She climbed onto the seat behind him , her arms curving around his middle . Pressing her face into his back , she inhaled the rich scent of him . She knew that being with him was dangerous . If her father found out , he might literally kill her . And she didn 't even want to think about what he would do to Jackson . But she had to make sure he didn 't hate her . She had to be with him . Even if it was for the last time . I hope you are all enjoying the New Year ! The holidays were wonderful , but it is time to start something new . Another good thing that happened at the end of the year is that I finished the third book in the Club X series . So , it is on its way to my publisher ! Wish me luck ! Jackson stared at the ceiling overhead , his arm curled around Mallory . He couldn 't sleep . His mind was racing . Nothing in his life could have prepared him for the way he felt about her . When she told him that she loved him , he thought his chest would explode . He had never intended to feel this way . He had done everything in his power to make sure this didn 't happen , but now he knew that it had all been a wasted effort . A quick glance at the clock let him know that it was almost four in the morning . She would have to leave soon . His arm tightened around her instinctively . He didn 't want her to go . He wanted to spend the rest of the morning with her in his arms . She stirred against him . He couldn 't deny what he felt anymore . He had fallen for her , and there was no turning back . Somehow , they would find a way to be together . Glancing over to the table , which was still shrouded in darkness , he spotted the envelope that lay on top was his future , a future that he had never shared with her . After what happened tonight , he had to tell her . Her hand moved across his chest , as she snuggled closer to him . " Jackson , " she murmured sleepily . He sat up in the bed , his back resting against the headboard . She scooted closer to him , nervously pulling her lower lip beneath her teeth . " Jackson , what is it ? You 're scaring me . " One hand came up to caress the side of her cheek , while the other imprisoned her hand against his chest . His silence made her shift uneasily on the bed . " You know I 'm graduating in a couple of weeks … " he started . Her eyes widened . " Jackson , that 's wonderful ! " she exclaimed , throwing her arms around his neck . The feel of her naked breasts pressed against his chest made his manhood stir . He gently put her away from him , knowing that he had to push forward . If he didn 't get this out now , he wasn 't sure that he would have the courage to later . " I want you to come with me . " He stared at her , noting the way her breath rushed out of her lungs . Her silence seemed to drag on for an eternity as he waited . Finally , he could wait no longer . " Say something , " he demanded . " Yes ? " She climbed on top of him , her legs straddling his hips . " Yes , Jackson . I would love to be your wife … on one condition , " she informed , her eyes twinkling with mischief . He edged down on the bed , his hands coming up to cradle her hips . He lifted her over him , slowly easing her down to take him inside . His eyes closed at the exquisite feeling of her closing around him . Opening his eyes , a grin tugged at his lips . " And what would that be ? " Her hands covered his where they dug into her hips . " That we spend every morning just like this , " she breathed softly , as she tried to follow the rhythm he set . Her head fell back as the sensations began to sweep through her body . " I think I can live with that . " His eyes squeezed shut , as he let her set the pace . His hands covered her breasts , his fingers toying with the taut peaks . Unable to contain himself , he raised his hips to meet her . Her body clenched around him , sucking him deeper inside . He felt her begin to convulse , as she cried out his name . He looked up at the picture she made as she moved over him . God , nothing had ever felt so right as when he was inside of her . He loved everything about her . He loved her smile , her humor , the rebellious streak that brought them together , the way she moaned beneath him , the way she kept him on his toes . No other girl could ever come close . And she was going to be his wife . The thought made his body react , and his climax burst inside of her . She fell on top of him , both of them greedily sucking in air . As he cradled her against him , he absently realized that they forgot to use protection . His eyes widened . Never in his life had he forgotten to use protection . Lazily , his hand began to stroke the length of her back . It wouldn 't matter . Soon , they would be husband and wife . If she got pregnant , they would just have to bump the date up . He couldn 't deny that the thought was appealing . After all , he couldn 't even begin to think about leaving her to go to school . It would be the hardest thing he would ever do . A part of him wanted to delay attending for a year so that he could wait for her to finish high school , but he knew that his mother would have his head . She would say that he had worked too hard to risk losing the scholarship . She stirred on top of him , lifting her head to stare down at him dreamily . His eyes met hers as he pulled her head down into a heated kiss . Later , as they stood by her car their fingers intertwined , she leaned up on tiptoes to fuse her mouth against his . When she finally pulled away , they were both breathing hard . He rested his forehead against hers . " So , I 'll see you tonight ? " Jackson watched her drive away , his arms crossing over his chest . He couldn 't wait to make her Mrs . Jackson Hart . As he climbed the steps to the cabin , he realized that he would have a lot of explaining to do once his mother returned home . She would have a lot of objections to her son getting married so young , but he didn 't care . He loved Mallory , and he was going to spend the rest of his life showing her just how much . Mallory snuck into the kitchen as quietly as she could . She closed the door behind her , listening carefully to the sounds of the house before moving toward the hall . " Mallory Westfall ! " She spun on her heel , her heart in her throat . " Daddy ? " He pulled her out to the garage , the grip he had on her wrist biting into her skin . Reaching over , he touched the hood of the car . " Then , why is the engine still warm ? Did you decide to take the car out for a test drive , too ? " She winced at the pain he was causing , her mouth falling open . Fear raced up her spine . " I 'm sorry , daddy ! I just went for a drive . " His sneer left little doubt that he knew she was a liar . Dragging her behind him , he pulled her through the kitchen and up the stairs . " Do you really think I 'm that stupid ? " he yelled , pushing her into her room and slamming the door behind them . Looming over her , his eyes narrowed . " Where the hell were you ? " Panic seized her heart . The look in his eyes told her that the time to lie was over . It was obvious that he knew more than he was letting on . Lying would only serve to make him angrier , and by the look on his face that was something she could not afford to do . " I was with Jackson Hart , " she confessed , tears streaming down her cheeks . She crouched on the floor , her arms coming up to defend herself . " It 's not what you think , daddy ! He 's asked me to marry him ! " Grabbing her by the arms , he hauled her to her feet . " Are you out of your mind ? " he screamed , as he shook her violently . Her head bobbed like a rag doll . " There is no way in hell you will ever marry that boy ! You go out in the middle of the night to whore around with trash and have the nerve to come into my house and tell me you 're getting married ! " He shoved her away from him , her back hitting the wall . She slid to the ground in a heap . He turned to leave . Reaching the door , he spun on his heel to face her again . When he spoke , his voice was ominously low . " I 'm taking your car keys . You will not see that boy again . Do I make myself clear ? If you do , I will destroy him . Do you hear me , Mallory ? You don 't want to know what I 'll do if you push me on this . " He took a deep breath to calm himself , before continuing on . " The Langes ' are coming over for dinner tonight . If you do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or embarrasses me , I 'll make sure that that boy is run out of town by the end of the night . " She shook her head , her eyes squeezing shut . " You wouldn 't do that ? " " Wouldn 't I ? Just try me . I don 't give a damn if you think you 're in love . You obviously haven 't thought things through . If I have to save you from making a mistake , I will … even if I have to do it with you kicking and screaming the whole way . Do you hear me ? " Mallory lay on the floor , unable to move . Her head fell into her hands . She reached out for her nightstand , slowly pulling herself upright . Pain seized her back as she slowly got to her feet . Sweat broke out on her forehead , as she drew in deep breaths . Wincing with each step , she walked over to the full - length mirror . Pulling her shirt over her midriff , she turned around to see a large bruise forming on her back . She made her way back to the bed , collapsing on top of it . Her sobs racked her entire body as she curled on her side . What was she going to do ? Without her car , she couldn 't run . The thought of Jackson waiting for her made her chest squeeze in pain . What would he do when she didn 't show up tonight ? She hated her father ! He never loved her . Her fingers curled in the bedspread . Please don 't hate me , Jackson , she thought as she curled her knees into her chest . Jackson waited on the couch , his knee shaking impatiently . His mother stared at him from across the room . He knew what she was thinking . After the fight they had had about the choices he was making , her feelings were very clear . Glancing over at her , he saw the look of pity in her eyes . Anger coursed through his veins . He got to his feet , walking out on to the porch . Where the hell was she ? Had she changed her mind ? This morning she had seemed so sure of him , of herself . Had she reconsidered when she got home ? He heard the screen door slam behind him moments before he felt his mother 's comforting hand on his shoulder . " Jackson , " she began slowly . " Maybe we should start dinner . It is after eight . " He pushed away from her , shaking his head . " She 'll be here , mom . She probably just got hung up , " he assured , even though he didn 't really believe the words . Damn it ! His hand raked through his hair , before gripping the wooden railing tightly . What happened ? Did she regret what they had done ? His mouth formed a grim line . Curling his hands into fists , he banged them on the railing . Why ? Why hadn 't she come to him ? They could 've talked things through . " But what about dinner ? " When he reached the bike , he looked over his shoulder . " Go ahead and eat . I 'm not hungry , anyway . " Before she could protest , the bike roared to life . He drove down the dirt road , ignoring her cries of protest . He drove through the streets like a man obsessed . All he could see was Mallory . Mallory leaning over him , her eyes glazed with passion . Mallory pressing tender kisses to his mouth . Mallory professing her love to him . Mallory saying she wanted to be his wife . Before he even realized his intent , he pulled into the parking lot at Dick Clark 's . He wasn 't sure what he expected to find . When he climbed off the bike , his eyes searched the crowd . His gaze stopped when he saw Leah chatting with some friends . He closed the distance between them , watching the eyes of the crowd around her widen . She spun around to see what they were looking at , her gaze colliding with his . " Can I talk to you for a minute ? " he asked , his voice firm . Leah shook her head , turning to face them . She rolled her eyes as she pursed her lips . " David , shut up ! " she scolded , walking over to Jackson 's bike with him . When he reached the bike , he spun on his heel to face her . His eyes met hers , his look intent . " Where 's Mallory ? " he demanded . His heart hammered in his chest , as his jaw clenched painfully . He looked away , not wanting her to see the pain her words caused . " Look , I 'm sorry , " she offered . But Jackson didn 't want to hear anymore . He pulled the bike out on to the street , feeling the wind whip through his hair . All this time , he didn 't want to see the truth . She had never loved him . Oh sure , she might have felt something for him . After all , he was the one to take her virginity , not Lange . But in the end , she realized that being with him would be nothing more than a mistake . A mistake because he didn 't have the kind of money that Lange could offer . Damn her ! This morning he had believed every word she said . Maybe she had even meant it ? But when push came to shove , she had sold him out . Why had he ever thought she would want to live hand to mouth with him , when she could live with everything Derrick 's family had ? Maybe she had just been using him from the start , using him to make Derrick jealous ? The thought made his stomach turn . He was a fool . He had been too caught up in her to realize what was happening . As he drove through the darkened streets , he made a vow . He would never be that stupid again . |
The wedding ceremony was the talk of the town for the next few days . The Jester 's act after the wedding made people laugh for a long time . Overall the day was one of the best days the Kingdom ever had . The King and People of Benin had left after a few days and everything was getting back to normal in Heaven . Advaita learnt that wedding in Heaven or in any other Kingdom for that matter happened during the middle of the day when Sun shone at its brightest . It was a belief that Sun would be spreading its light all over the world , most at that moment and light in the newlywed 's life would stay on forever . He had found that belief interesting . Now that the days had passed . He wanted to talk to General Thomas about the truth of Rob . When he raised this matter with General Thomas , General said they would sit in the evening for the same . Advaita now was eagerly waiting for sun to set . " Rob was in love . Since he was very close to Prince Aiden he could met Princess Agnes . Rob started to impress her with his visions and thoughts . Slowly even Princess Agnes fell in love with him . Even Prince Aiden didn 't know about them . Rob and Agnes had started spending time in secret . They took our help to do so . When they were sure they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together , they decided to tell Aiden about it . Prince Aiden was initially not very happy but Princess Agnes talked to him . The views of Rob had always impressed him and he finally agreed to talk to King William on the same . On the Parallel Rob wanted to bring change in the kingdom . He wanted to remove the atrocity shown against the poor by rich lords . Poor girls were getting raped and killed . None of the poor supported him as they thought this would make things even worse . Meanwhile the love story of him and Princess Agnes reached the King 's ears before Prince Aiden could talk to him . King William ordered the soldiers to get him Rob . They had a discussion where King threatened him . Rob was not ready to listen to any of it . But he stayed silent as he knew he could get killed if he rebelled . The King gave him a final warning and let him go . Prince Aiden tried talking to the King but it went in vain . One day Princess Agnes wanted to meet Rob . When she tried to sneak out from the Palace to meet him , few soldiers saw her and informed the king . King disguised himself and followed her ; he caught her before she could reach Rob 's place . He threatened her that he would burn Rob 's house in front of her if she saw him again . That very night Princess Agnes went to Prince Aiden and told him what had happened . She had said she would die if she doesn 't get Rob . The next day King Summoned Rob 's father Lian and warned him on this as well . Lian came to this very house to talk to my father . He explained my father the whole scenario and said that he would be leaving the city with the family and try to live somewhere peacefully . My father said he would try talking to King on this matter . I heard their conversation and immediately went to inform Rob about his father 's idea of leaving the town . Prince Aiden was with him at that time . He suggested that Rob and Agnes should escape from the city or else they could never unite . Prince Aiden himself devised a plan for their getaway . The very next night he got Agnes with him . As I took Rob to the outskirts of the city . We gave them gold coins , food and asked them to be careful in the forest . That was the last we had seen them . Rob 's Parents were killed the very next day and their house was put on fire by an angry King William . " General Thomas ended the tale . " I saw the dagger in your hand the morning of wedding day when you were asleep . I had given that dagger to Rob the day they left . When I asked Shadow how you had that , she told me it was your father 's . I am sure that you are their son now " he said . Advaita was silent now . " We do not live in a perfect world where fairy tales come true but in a world where life is a struggle for survival and we need to find happiness within it " he now understood why his father had said that . Seeing Advaita silent Thomas and Tip realised he needed a break . " You take some time son , we will talk further on this later " Tip said . General Thomas left the room . Tip sat there for sometime . When he was about to leave , Advaita said " I need a favour Tip " . Tip said he would do anything . " Can you paint portraits of Rob and Agnes ? " Tip agreed and told he would give it to him by tomorrow . Advaita thanked him . Advaita sat alone in the room deep in his own thoughts . He had called the chief of Shaka tribe his grandfather . His mother called him father as far as he knew . But people in Shaka had called his parents outsiders . Now grandfather had told his father and he were a cheat . Advaita was totally confused . General Thomas White tried to ask about Advaita 's father . Advaita was adamant on knowing Rob first as he looked exactly like his father . They decided to go to General Thomas ' house . Tip felt it would be ideal to talk in Thomas ' study room . As they were on their way , Tip said " He could be Rob 's son " to Thomas . " You mean he is a Royal ? " replied General Thomas . They remained silent after that . They were in General Thomas ' study room now . The three were silent for a very long time . Advaita finally spoke as he requested Tip and General to tell him about Rob and his death . " We are not so sure about his death " replied Tip . Both Tip and General Thomas saw each other and nodded together . General Thomas started … " Rob was the only son of Peasants Liam and Eve . They had their own field unlike other peasants who worked for Lords . Rob used to help them in fields . Seeing his interest in learning , my father got him to the University of Heaven to study . There Rob was more interested in learning war techniques and sword fighting . He always joined me for training sessions with a wooden sword . Tip and I were very close during those days . Rob soon became one of us . " Advaita realized why his father was interested in agriculture as well . His father used to advise the chief of Shaka tribe on what to cultivate in different seasons . " A Peasant is the one that brings food to our table . We should respect them more than the hunters " his father had said . He came back from his thoughts as he continued listening to General Thomas again . " Rob , apart from us had started hating others as they used to always bully him for being a poor peasant 's son . He was a silent guy and never retaliated back . But within he had started hating others . He hated that he was poor and had slowly stopped to help his father with work . Once During a sword session he took on Prince Aiden . Our King was a Prince back then . Nobody used to defeat the Prince even if they could . But that day Rob did . Prince Aiden stormed out of the session furious and sad . The Prince also realized that many lost to him as he was royalty and not because he was better . From the very next day Prince Aiden chose only Rob to practice with . They became close friends and we four became a gang . The Mural on that wall was painted during one of those days . Rob had become one of the finest swordsmen and there were only few of us who could beat him . Finally Prince Aiden too defeated him . Prince Aiden took that as great achievement and took us to show the palace the next day . I had seen the palace before as I was the Prime Minister 's son . It was the first time for Rob and Tip . They were amused by the beauty of the Palace . Prince Aiden 's sister Princess Agnes Rich was dancing in the middle of the room with musicians playing instruments around her . King William Rich who was seated on the throne in one corner saw Prince Aiden and signaled to come to him . King William after the dance session got over , came to know that Rob was a Peasant 's son . He ordered Rob to get out of the Palace . We left along with Rob as Prince Aiden tried to convince his furious father . As we walked back Rob said he would marry the dancer . We told him she was the Princess and it would be impossible for him , for which he said why ? can 't a peasant marry a Princess ? " The General said . There was a knock on the door . It was Commander Royston . He had come to discuss on some urgent matters . Advaita and Tip left the room . Before Tip left he said " let 's continue this after the Royal wedding . I need to prepare some more for my act tomorrow . " Advaita agreed to that . Advaita came back to his room after a quick meal . He was lost in his own thoughts . It was Shadow who brought him back to reality . She had to shake him as he did not respond to her talk . She didn 't say anything but smiled and waited for him to speak . " You know the Peasant Rob from that Mural " said Advaita holding her hand . " Yes , " she said . " I think he is my father " he said . Advaita and Cully were back at Cully 's home . They went directly to the kitchen to find some food . Cully 's sister Shadow was also there . Advaita and Shadow 's eyes met and they smiled at each other . There was a shyness in their face . Servant got some food for them to eat . As they ate on the table , Cully started to explain how amazing Advaita had been on the training field . Advaita and Shadow were looking at each other and eating slowly . They were not hearing a thing what Cully was saying . As Cully put his arm on Advaita 's shoulders they came back to reality . " You know what , we should have a Mural together . I will go ask Uncle Tip to do it on my room wall " said Cully . Cully had become an admirer of Advaita after what had happened in the field today . " If world is full of paintings then you should be a Mural " Advaita 's father had told him . With his archery skills he was reaching that stage he felt . Before Advaita could say anything Cully had left . Advaita turned to shadow and asked " Tip ? " " Uncle Tip is a very good painter , maybe we should get our painting done as well " she replied . Advaita smiled but did not say anything . After the food , Shadow held Advaita 's hand and took him upstairs to show her paintings . They sat beside a trunk . Shadow opened the trunk and took out a painting that was her favorite . When Advaita saw the painting he was mesmerized by Shadow 's beauty . Shadow noticed it in him . He could see the perfection in the painting . He said " This is really beautiful . You look very beautiful . The painter has painted exactly as you look " . She rested her head on his shoulders . " I am glad you like it " she said . The moment they had seen each other , they knew they were supposed to be together . " Why you are at the house , aren 't you going to help your mother with the wedding preparations ? " he said . She was about to say something when they heard Cully calling for Advaita . They both got up . Advaita said her that he will go down first and later she could come . They both smiled as he said that . Advaita went down . Cully was waiting for him . " Uncle Tip said he will do a small painting of us first and then use that for the Mural on the wall . " said Cully . " As you guys wish , " replied Advaita . Shadow started to come downstairs . In a hurry to come down she slipped . Advaita was standing in midway . He tried to stop her fall . He slipped , but was able to stop her fall with his left hand but his right hand hit the steps . It hurt a little but he ignored . " Are you ok " he asked as they got down . She nodded . Shadow said she too will join them as they went to Tip 's house to get the painting done . Tip painted them for hours . With both of them standing side by side . Advaita was very impressed with Tip 's painting skills and appreciated it . Cullen pointed to a room " You know in that very room , he started painting . There are lot of paintings in there " he said . " Can I check them ? " Advaita asked Tip . Tip said ok . Cully was talking to Tip as Advaita went to check out the paintings . Shadow who was watching silently when they were getting painted joined Advaita . They went inside the room and started to check the paintings one by one . The room was huge . Each painting amazed Advaita and made him realize how good a painter Tip was . Shadow explained a few of the paintings as they had historical importance . Suddenly Advaita 's eyes went on to a Mural on the corner of the right wall . There were three people standing . The painting was a little faded . He was shocked . He moved closer to confirm . The person on the left was indeed his father ! Whites ' came to know all about the incident that had happened . They thanked Advaita for saving their kids ' lives . As they were having dinner that night , " Which tribe do you belong to Advaita ? " asked Mr . White . " I am from the Shaka tribe " he replied . " Peter , Do you know of a Shaka tribe in our kingdom ? Is it the one on the south border ? " He asked the soldier who was standing beside him . " Yes my lord , it 's on the south border . They are immigrants from the Zulu kingdom . I believe they follow their own rules and not the Kingdom 's " Peter replied . " Thanks Peter , So Advaita why did you leave the tribe ? " Advaita was not sure whether he could tell exactly what had happened . Now all the people in room were looking at him . " My Parents died when I was very young . After that I decided to travel around " Advaita finally replied . Martha noticed that Advaita was a little uneasy talking about his past . " Tomorrow we are going to see the Jester 's act and approve it for the final performance " she said to Shadow . " Advaita you may not have seen these kind of acts before , why don 't you join us ? " Said Shadow . " I was thinking of leaving tomorrow " replied Advaita . " Don 't be in such a hurry my friend . You see the Jester 's act tomorrow . Tip Roy is the best Jester this kingdom has ever produced . Even Mr . White suggested him to stay . Advaita finally agreed , as he felt he had no choice . The next day Martha , Shadow and Advaita went to Tip 's house . Tip was showing them the act at his place . Queen had specifically said Martha to check it as it will be the finishing act after Princess ' wedding for entertainment . Tip was ready with the costume and makeup when they reached . After initial formalities Tip started with his act . Advaita was sitting in one corner and was observing . As the act progressed Advaita laughed like never before . Everyone were enjoying the act . Advaita had heard from his father about the Jesters . His father had said " Everyone in the world are like Jesters . A mask from outside but different from inside , hiding their true nature . " When the act got over , Advaita wondered ' how happy the jester actually is . Does his mask from outside match the one who he is inside ? ' His thoughts came back as he saw there was a huge discussion going on between Martha , shadow and Tip . They were suggesting a few things to be added and removed a part or two which involved making fun of the Bridegroom . After sometime Tip enacted again a few more times . Advaita saw that the act was finally ready . He was very impressed by the Jester 's work . " People will fall in love with this act Tip , very well done " said Martha . " Thank you Martha , Let me clean up and come back normal " He replied . " How was the act Advaita ? " asked Martha . " It was good " he replied . They waited for Tip . As Tip came out " So Advaita , How did you find the act ? " he asked . Good is all he said . " This guy doesn 't talk much , does he ? " Tip asked Martha with a smile . " Only to the point " she replied back . " Oh ! I see " said Tip as everyone laughed . Martha and Shadow decided to go to meet the Queen . Advaita said he would stay at Tip 's for a while . They instructed a soldier to accompany Advaita wherever he wants to go and then left . " So what is it you wanted to ask , son " said Tip . Advaita had a smile . " How happy are you as a Jester ? " Advaita asked . " You think I am sad ? ' Tip questioned back . Advaita shared his father 's view with Tip . Tip had a smile in his face . " Yes we do hide our true emotions , I feel in every profession people do that , not just this one . One has to do his Job irrespective of how their personal life is . " Advaita nodded . They had the conversation going . Tip explained his art and told stories of the famous Jesters before him . Advaita met Tip 's wife and daughter . Tip 's two elder sons were in the army . They had lunch together . After lunch Advaita decided to leave . He conveyed the same and started to leave . The soldier assigned to Advaita tagged along . As he was about to go out the front door " Your face looks very familiar " Tip said . Advaita turned and smiled as he walked out of the Jester 's house . As the Carriage started moving , they thanked Advaita again . Shadow looked like she was still in shock . Cully looked cool . He was sitting as if it was just another day . Advaita was not sure why he was in that carriage . He wanted to explore the forest . " I would like to leave now . If you could ask the men outside to stop … . " Advaita 's words were cut short by Cully as he said " No way friend , you saved our life , please give us the chance to pay you back . Be with us for a few days and then we will leave you wherever you want to go " . They both argued about it for a bit , then Advaita realised this was a war of words and he could not win . He kept quiet . Cully saw that Shadow had not spoken once they had moved . He took her hand as he asked " Are you okay ? " She nodded . " Where is the Dagger father gave you ? Didn 't I tell you to keep it with you ? " He asked . She took out the dagger which she had placed below her seat . As she took out the dagger Advaita noticed that it was similar to the one he had . His father had said the dagger was very special but he never knew why . Advaita wanted to check that dagger , but he said nothing . " Is that the deer skin you are wearing ? " asked Cully , nodded Advaita confirming it . Advaita had never seen the kind of a dress they were wearing but he had heard that rich people wore silk dresses . " So , what were you doing in the forest ? " Cully asked . Advaita was not sure what to say . " I am just a wanderer , I move from forest to forest . Wha . . what about you people ? " asked Advaita . " Oh , our grandmother is sick , we had gone to visit her . Our father is a Lord and the CHIEF OF ARMY . " Cully said with pride . " I was wondering why those men attacked you " asked Advaita . Shadow looked at him and turned away , she was still very concerned . " We will question our captive once we get back . I am sure my father will make him speak " said Cully . " We could have died today , when they took my hand and dragged me . I thought that was it , I will be going to hell . " Shadow said finally looking at the dagger . She had tears in her eyes . Cully held her hand again . " Being alive is heaven and death is hell . We worry about death so much that we forget the heaven we are in . Live in the moment , this is heaven " said Advaita . Shadow saw him and smiled but she still looked sad . At least his Father 's words made her smile he thought . He didn 't know how to react though ; he smiled a bit and looked down . " Forget about all this , Princess Margaret your best friend is getting married in a few days . Think about the preparation and the events there will be , smile , be happy " said Cully . She nodded . Cully offered her and Advaita some food they had packed . He opened the window and offered some to the soldiers too . Advaita saw that they were out of forest . After sometime Advaita started to see buildings that made him realise they were almost there . He had heard about the cities in Kingdom , but had never seen any until now . Cullen and Shadow smiled as Advaita was looking out overawed with his eyes wide open . Cully , on seeing the excitement in Advaita 's face started to give him a tour of the city as they moved ahead . The sun was slowly setting down . They got inside a big wooden gate and then stopped beside a huge house . The open area in front could fit a whole tribe Advaita thought . Cullen took the man that was tied with the soldiers to a small house nearby . He told shadow to take Advaita inside . " Welcome to our humble house in the city of Heaven " she said as they went in … Posted in A to Z Challenge ( 2016 ) 8 Comments " How was the movie dear " his mom asked Ram as she buckled him in the back seat of the car . They had just finished watching a Superhero movie . " It was awesome mom , I will save the world when I grow up " he said beaming with enthusiasm . " I am sure love " she said , smiling back at him as she closed the back door . Raghuveer , Ram 's father was waiting for his son to settle into his seat as he opened the door for his wife to get in . " So Kausalya , our son will become a superhero now ? " he said as she got in . Ram gave a glaring look to his dad as he shouted " Yes dad , I will be the strongest superhero ever ! " , " First you need to drink your milk everyday dear " said his mom . Going by the look on his face Kausalya knew he did not like that . " Raghu it 's already 11 , let 's hurry up " said Kausalya as she started to get worried about the deserted roads and the long distance they had to cover to get home , " No people , no traffic we can reach quickly " Raghuveer replied nonplussed as he drove on . Ram was running behind SUBAHU , the Villain , who in turn was baying for the blood of the innocent people of Krishnanagar . Ram started to gain on SUBAHU as he sped up . But SUBAHU was very fast , laughing and taunting him as he closed in on his prey . Ram used his special jumping prowess to jump high in the air . When SUBAHU turned to mock Ram again , he could not find him and got confused . On turning back to his sheer horror he found RAM right in front of him . He panicked but he was not ready to give up . He used his special weapon BOMB which could blast off the person in front of it . Ram had destroyed all his BOMBs in his last mission and was shocked to see one in SUBAHU 's hand . He laughed as he threw it on Ram . SUBAHU was late in realizing that Ram was too close to him , Ram used his special jump again but it was too late . There was a loud thud as Ram yelled as did SUBAHU … . Ram was in shock . His hand was hurting . He thought he was in his bed as it was what would usually happen . He would fall asleep and his mom or dad would put him in bed . His first thought was he had fallen from his bed ; He wanted to get up but something was stuck . It was pitch dark as he opened his eyes , he was still seated in the back seat of their car . His belt buckle was stuck and he struggled to remove it . He cried out for his mom as he was hurt . His vision was blurred and the inside of the car was completely dark . He could see a light far away which was street light he guessed . He somehow managed to open the belt buckle . His side of the door was a little open . His dad 's head was on the steering wheel . He could not make out much . He tried to wake his dad up , he shouted for help but received no response from anywhere . He started crying " mummy , please wake up " . He managed to open the door , got down , and tried opening the front door . But he could not . He was experiencing pain in his knees , elbow and he could not say from where the blood was gushing out . He saw that their car was stuck to a side of the building . He observed that a guy was sleeping in the middle of the road . He was still crying . He wanted to go to his mom 's side and open that door as well . But it was stuck to the building . He went near the guy who was in middle of the road . He could smell the guy from a distance . He saw that whole area was deserted . Now he had stopped crying . His hero instincts started to trigger in . He wanted to save his parents . He had to find someone to get his parents out . There weren 't many buildings around . Few which were there looked closed . He stared towards the only street light that was on the deserted street . With all the pain in his body , he started walking towards it . As he reached there , there were 3 directions he could go . He chose left as there were street lights fully on that road . He could not find any building or people around as he moved ahead . He was having a lot of pain in his head as he looked at various places , trying to find someone . He saw a bike approaching . He shouted " Help , please help ! " The guy on the bike saw him , slowed down a little bit , but did not stop and sped off . He could not understand why the person didn 't want to help him . But he had to move and find someone . Ram was slowing down now . As he took another right turn he saw that there was a small shop and it was open going by the light that was coming out of it . He wanted to run towards it as it was a little far to walk . But as he tried , pain took over and he stopped . He placed his hands on his thighs , took another deep breath and started walking slowly . It was a Tea shop . Ram shouted for help as he was about to reach the shop . The Shop 's name was ' Parmesh Tea Corner ' . Parmesh who usually closed his shop at 12AM was waiting for his friend to arrive . Hearing someone shout at almost 12 : 30AM was a surprise for him . He came out of his shop to see his visitor . Ram was in front of the shop now . He saw a guy standing in front of him . " Please help , there has been an accident , my parents are still in the car , please " he said . . He held guy 's hand and tried to take him there . The guy stopped him and went inside the shop and took his mobile and dialed some numbers . All Ram could hear was " boy alone , some blood " . He was very tired now and could hardly stand . The guy came back and offered him some water to drink . Ram said " Please help me , I need to go help my mom and dad " . The guy replied " My name is Parmesh , please drink some water , we will go in a few minutes " . He made Ram sit on a small bench which was beside the shop . He even took some chocolate from his pocket and gave him . As Ram was drinking water , Parmesh got a call and he went inside the shop again . Three guys came from a narrow pathway near the shop and started towards Ram . They looked scary to him . They were walking towards the shop now . Ram was scared from inside but did not show any signs of fear . One of the guys in the group saw a chain on Ram 's neck . He asked " are you alone boy ? " Ram stood up " Please help me , we met with an accident , my mom and dad are stuck in the car " as he held the glass which was half full . The three started talking among themselves and were about to make a move towards the kid . A bike soon approached the shop . Parmesh who was scared looking at the local goons , had a sudden feeling of relief now . He had called the local inspector Yadunandan . The bike stopped in front of them . Seeing the cop the three guys started walking away . " Hello Inspector , this is the kid I had reported about " said Parmesh pointing towards Ram as he came out of the shop . Yadunandan walked towards Ram . When Ram saw a policeman coming towards him , he said " Help me , my parents are stuck in our car " . " Hi , I am Inspector Yadunandan . Please tell me what has happened ? Can you tell me what you were trying to say to Parmesh " said Yadunandan as he sat on his knees . Ram struggled to recollect what exactly had happened , finally he said " our car has hit a shop and my parents are stuck inside . I tried to wake them up and get them out of car . But I couldn 't " . Yadunandan who just realized the seriousness of the matter asked " Can you take me there ? " Ram nodded . He examined Ram and made sure that he had no major injuries . He took out his phone as he held the kid 's hand ; He called someone " Possible accident , a male and female stuck inside the car , on my route there . Yes near to the Parmesh tea shop on Shyamnagar circle . " " Parmesh you come along . Close the shop , quick " said Yadunandan . Yadunandan and Ram left on his bike towards the accident spot with Parmesh following them . As they started " which way Ram ? " he asked . The kid started to guide them . Yadunandan was shocked to see that kid was guiding them very well even in such bad condition . They had diverted 4 times already and gone about a kilometer . Yadunandan was going slowly giving the kid right amount of time to guide . He saw a car crashed to a shop when they took the last right . He accelerated and reached there quickly . " What 's your name ? " he asked the kid as they got down . " Ram " replied the kid . He saw that a guy had fallen in middle of the road . He went to inspect the guy and told Parmesh to check on Ram 's Parents . As he reached near the body it was evident that the guy was drunk . He took his phone " Accident opposite Kubera Jeweler in Shyamnagar , need immediate attention " . He turned the body and confirmed that the guy was ok and he was just totally drunk . Parmesh was able to open the Driver 's door as it was facing the road . He slowly removed the buckle and very carefully brought him out . " They might have taken this left turn and as they saw there was a guy in middle of the road , he might have tried to avoid him and crashed into the shop " said Yadunandan after a quick inspection . They heard the ambulance siren and soon an ambulance approached them . Ram was injured badly . His followers had taken him to a nearby hospital . When Ram was fully awake " Where is SUBAHU ? " he asked . One of his followers replied " He was injured too , but he escaped " . Ram got up from his bed . Everyone wanted him to rest but Ram took off from there . SUBAHU was injured and Ram wanted a solution to this as quickly as possible . But recently when Ram had gone to seek the guidance of his teacher Vishwamitra , He remembered his master saying " None are born bad , situations in our lives bring out the good or bad in us " . So Ram started to wonder why SUBAHU was bad . With the help of his brother Lakshman he found out that SUBAHU was a scientist and was devoted to his country . But when he came to know that Krishnanagar people had his mother Tataki and brother Maaricha arrested , he turned into a terrorist . Lakshman brought more info on Tataki and Maaricha 's death which proved that they were cheating and harassing people of Krishnanagar . Their death was accidental as well and people had nothing to do with their death . Moreover people were still in doubt of Maaricha 's death as his body was never found . With all this info Ram goes in search of SUBAHU . When Ram finds SUBAHU , he talks to him with all the facts in hand . But soon Ram realizes that SUBAHU has been taken over by evil and nothing can be undone . Ram calls for Battle of Arrows till death . SUBAHU knew Ram was the best archer in the world but still he agrees to the battle as he had his own cunning plans to defeat Ram . The battle takes place in Open grounds of Tatakaranya . Ram pleads to Subahu , " SUBAHU please listen to me , I do not want to kill you . You are mistaken about the death of your mother and brother " . SUBAHU interrupts him " Ram stop giving these talks . Do not try to talk about the dos and don ' ts as you are here to kill me . This hurts Ram . He was there to fight but deep down he does not want SUBAHU dead but the bad in him . He recognized the power of love that could remove the hatred in people . He remembered the power of good to remove the bad . " Remember Ram everything can be won with good and love " he remembered the words of Vishwamitra . The Battle started . SUBAHU was striking arrows in regular intervals . The arrows looked different and bigger . Ram realized they might blast . He made a special jump and escaped . As he jumped he sent few arrows towards SUBAHU . People who had come to watch the battle roared as they saw Ram sending arrows towards SUBAHU . Few of the arrows hit SUBAHU . But it did not hurt him at all . He was confused with the outcome , so were people . The battle continued as SUBAHU used various tricky arrows which were easily dodged by Ram . Ram 's arrows hit SUBAHU every time but nothing happened to him from outside . SUBAHU was unhurt from outside , but within something was changing him . He was getting weaker . Soon SUBAHU collapsed as an arrow from Ram hit his heart . Ram ran towards SUBAHU . " What are you doing to me , why am I feeling as I have been wrong all along ? " Ram smiled at him . " What is this feeling ? " he continued . People had surrounded Ram now . " That 's love and kindness my friend " said Ram . Hearing the word friend from his enemy made SUBAHU cry . People chanted Ram 's name on seeing his big heartedness . " Ram , Ram " Ram could hear his mom 's voice . Even though he was conscious now , he was struggling to open his eyes . He felt as his mom leave the room as he slowly opened his eyes . He heard the door open . He saw Inspector Yadunandan come in " Hi I was the inspector who got you and your family here , can you explain the events if you are ok now ? " Yadunandan said . Kausalya nodded " we were coming back from theatre . On one of the turns we saw a guy coming right in front of the car . Raghu tried to avoid him and hit the shop nearby . When I woke up I was in bed . " She said . " Ya he was some drunk . He hit his head when he fell on the road . We have got him to the hospital as well . He was completely drunk and in no condition to walk . Your Husband did a great job avoiding him , but I guess he lost control in the process " . " How is Raghu ? Did doctors say anything ? " she asked . " Yes , he is fine , they are operating on him . Doctors are hoping he will be fine in a few days . " After a pause he continued " Your son is amazing , he walked for about a kilometer to get help in that condition " he said as he turned to see Ram . Ram smiled as they both turned towards him . He slowly tried to get up . He sat on his bed and said " Mom I want to see Dad " . Kausalya came and sat beside him . " He is in a special room Ram , we can see him later " she said . " Please mom " he said . " Why don 't you walk him out and show around " Yadunandan said . Ram got down from his bed as he saw that his mom was bandaged on her head and hand . He himself was covered with a few bandages of his own . " He needs proper rest inspector " Said Kausalya . " I am fine mom " Ram said as he got down . She shook her head and started walking towards the door as Ram followed her . They went to the corridor . Ram held his mom 's hand as they walked towards ICU to have a check on his Dad . " Why was that guy so drunk and what was he doing on the road ? " asked Ram . Kausalya was about to say something when Yadunandan who was behind said " He is very poor and he is having a lot of issues Ram and these kind of people always think drinking will make their problem disappear . " Ram stopped walking as he turned back and said with a smile " Mom says being good , showing kindness and love towards people will always keep people happy " . Yadunandan smiled at the child 's innocence . Kausalya smiled too . They reached the ICU door . As Kausalya opened the door and was about to enter , Ram stopped and turned once again towards the inspector to ask " What is the guy 's name ? " " Oh ! Its Subahu " said Inspector Yadunandan … . . Posted in Stories 7 Comments : It 's been almost a month since I last came here . We always celebrate a new year , one thing we forget is that every month of that ' new ' year is a new month , every week of that new month is a new week and every day of that new week is a new day . This can be extended to every second that comes by … So every second in our life is new which makes it very special ! It 's very funny to see how we spend every second of our life . Just stop for a moment here and try to see the past couple of days in the next few seconds and recollect the moments that you worried about , was jealous of someone or anything which comes with the term ' bad ' . You might have none or you might have plenty of it . Was it worth those new seconds ? In life we think about almost everything . Each second is a new possibility . Our thoughts vary with time , we change with time . But since the very beginning there will always be something very close to us which we will never realize until the end . Most of us in life will always be looking for something which we don 't know . The statement in itself is odd and funny . Some of us give up in the middle and accept the life we have while some find it and achieve great heights . But there will still be another question waiting . Is that all you were looking for or is there something else ? This never ends , isn 't it ! ! In this poem I wrote , we might be searching for anything , a person , a place , object , emotion etc . I always say that I am someone who believes that a person who is bad will always have some good in him and vice versa . A person on his quest to find something may forget the path he took . One might fall down to a certain level to achieve his / her goal or another person will follow the honest way to reach his goal . Ultimately a final question will answer how your life was , it 's not about the struggle you had or the money you have or how much you have achieved ! About two years back when I had thought of writing a blog , I was nervous . My closest friend Tejaswi had suggested that I write a blog . Even my cousin Kavya who had read my writings thought I should write one too . So initially when I started this blog exactly a year back I thought it would be good to see what people had to say about my writing . My biggest fear was English ! I know my English isn 't good and I wanted to see how people would take it . I always get help from Tejaswi on the grammar perspective before publishing a post and I will always be grateful to him . Thanks a lot man ! As I started this blog , my main aim was to see what people think about me as a writer ; it might be the plot , or the way I proceed with a story . To be honest , I know I am not even close to being good yet and I still have a long way to go . Though I got a few positive results from what I wrote , I wanted people to point out what was not good or right in what I wrote ! I have experimented with many things here . It might be my very short stories where the story ends in a couple of sentences ; it could be the poems I wrote , I am not at all comfortable with them . I have always felt they are just random lines that rhyme ! I even wrote a few articles which I don 't usually do . I always tried to be within the theme of my blog while I wrote my posts , mainly to balance the act of darkness and light around us . I don 't know how much I have been correct in terms of Dark Light . When I write I usually have certain kinds of ideas or messages of my own and hope it would be of some help to others . Also if I am wrong I would like to hear from you about where I went wrong . I had thought of closing my blog many times . It might be because I don 't publish much . I also felt somewhere in the middle that I am not good enough to blog . But I didn 't close it down mainly because few were following me and I had started following many and reading their blogs helped me in a lot ways which made me think more . My outset towards people around the globe has changed very much and I feel we all are so similar in a beautiful way because of the blog and I wanted to experience this more . So I thought it would be foolish to stop coming here . I thank all of you for your wonderful writings and I am grateful to all who visit this Kingdom of Mine , So what is this about ? I turned 23 today . I always want my birthday to be a normal one . Every year my parents , bro , few cousins and few of my friends wish me . I am someone who doesn 't celebrate his birthday , though I feel it 's a special day . Let us first go a few weeks back . As you all know I am working now and no more a student , my colleagues started asking me my birthday . I generally don 't tell my birthday , so I never told them . I thought tomorrow evening I would tell them my birthday was this week and I would like to treat . So finally Dec 6 i . e . today finally came . I went to office , everything looked normal . Initially I felt that my colleagues knew it was my birthday and they were hiding it but I ignored it thinking it was my imagination . By now you all might realize that they already knew and I would be getting a big surprise . The interesting thing was how it all happened . Anyways let me continue , Lunch hour came , everything was normal . We all went together for lunch ; we had our lunch . It was in second floor of the building . Couple of they went to buy some deserts , by now I should have known something was happening but I didn 't . Finally they called and rest of us went to the first floor . When I was walking down I realized there might be a cake waiting for me and these guys knew it was my birthday ! Initially what my mind said was RUN . Then I realized I knew these guys for just few months , they had become close friends ( I don 't know whether they all think the same about it , though I believe they do ! ) . I don 't know how but they managed to find out my birthday and bought a cake to celebrate it with me . I came to the table where the cake was kept ; I don 't know I just thought about the cake my mom used to make for mine and my brother 's birthday . Saw these guys all happy and smiling , I was very happy just by seeing them but I didn 't know how to react , I was speechless . I just said " I don 't like cutting the cake " . After the cake was cut and everybody wished me , we all had the cake . I was thinking how did they know that it was my birthday ? It was still a mystery to me . I realized maybe Facebook , though I have not made my birthday visible there , few had wished me last year . So I finally asked " How did you guys know ? " On Dec 4 one among them had asked me to log on to one of my account to check something , I had opened it for her and I just started working . She had seen for my info and saw my birth date ! Just two days back they came to know . I couldn 't believe this fact ! So I am 23 now and day is back to normal . The beautiful thing was that the guy who wanted to give surprise ended up being surprised . It is these moments that makes life beautiful . |
I had a lovely morning with my daughter . She got up and joined me for my usual 5 mile walk . Not that she had much of a choice ; I did wake her up to come with me , but she came willingly and cheerfully . We enjoyed the cool morning , lively conversation , and then on the way home , she enjoyed a blackberry Italian soda from the coffee shop we go right by ( I enjoyed just a sip of said soda ) . By the time we got home , we 'd walked 5 1 / 4 miles in about 90 minutes time . I hope she will continue to do this on a regular basis with me . It was nice having my walking buddy back ! In the spring of 2006 , construction began on my mother 's addition to our house . My father had died the year before , and their house and yard were too much for my mom to take care of by herself . She didn 't live very far from us , but my husband , Chad , spent quite a bit of time over there helping take care of things . One February day , we were all out for lunch at a restaurant , and the food was taking a very long time to reach our table . While we waited , mom was talking about selling her house and trying to find something smaller , with a smaller yard . Lightning , or something , struck Chad and he said we should just add a mother - in - law 's apartment to our house . It seemed like such a simple solution to the problem ! Mom liked the idea , so right then and there , they started drawing the plans on a napkin . As we found out what would be required by our town to do such a thing , the plans morphed a bit , but things moved very quickly , and work started just three months after the idea was sparked . As the construction went on , one of the things that had to be done was digging up the front yard to put in new sewer and water lines , and they had to go through part of my perennial flower bed . When all the digging was done , one of the things I noticed was that there were iris corms scattered around ; I 'd had three varieties of iris in that section of the bed . They weren 't necessarily anywhere near where they had been , some of them were mixed in with the dirt that was now in the middle of where the lawn should be . I gathered up what I could find , and put them back in the flower bed we were reconstructing . Over the next couple of years as the irises grew back and began to bloom again , they were all mixed together , but I was only seeing two of the varieties . I was kind of sad that I was missing the third type , because it was my favorite . But there was still some hope . There was one very small chunk of iris root that grew a few little spikes , kind of off by itself . Since there wasn 't much root left , its recovery was taking longer . I have watched it all of these past six years , and wondered if it would ever bloom . I was so excited this year to see a couple of bloom stalks growing , that I could hardly stand to wait for them to open ! When that first bloom finally did unfurl . . . yes ! ! ! It was my favorite burgundy and gold variety that had been missing all of this time . Now I will have to be patient as it continues to grow and spread so that there will be more of them . Welcome back , my beautiful friend ; I have missed you so ! We are getting closer to finishing the Rose McLaughlin Memorial Garden ! You can click here and here to see how it all started . The work has been delayed by cold temperatures and rain , but today is warm and clear , so mom and I got to work . Mom putting in some of the new little plants . As soon as we finished for today , I watered all the new little plants . I put up the hose , and turned around to see a visitor had already stopped by . Gorgeous ! We have not seen the sun for several days , and have had quite a lot of rain . While it makes gardening and other outdoor activities difficult , this arid land becomes parched very quickly in the summer , so we are thankful for every drop of moisture . These last few days have brought us 1 3 / 4 inches of rain , but I am so happy to see the sun and a cloudless blue sky this morning ! Thank you , God , for the blessings of rain , and the sunshine that follows . My mom has been making Crazy Cake for as long as I can remember . In researching Crazy Cake , I found that it is also known as Depression Cake , Wacky Cake , and No Eggs , Butter , or Milk Cake . No matter what you call it , it 's amazing , and YUMMY ! Mom often made this for church potluck dinners , and it was always a hit . Developed during the Great Depression , and also popular during World War II when certain grocery items were hard to come by , this recipe is not only tasty , it is versatile and very easy to make . It magically makes a wonderful , moist cake without eggs , milk or butter . The secret is the vinegar ; it reacts with the soda to make the cake rise and have a nice texture . Though this version is for a chocolate cake , I have seen variations for spice , carrot , vanilla , and lemon cakes , all made from the basic recipe . Many people just mix all the ingredients right in the pan , but I prefer to use a mixing bowl . I am not a neat enough cook to mix everything up in the pan and not make a mess ! I made a gluten free and very low fat version of this cake , and it would be very easy to make it vegan by using vegan sugar . I will add the original recipe below my " tweaked " version . Enjoy ! Mix everything together , but don 't over mix . The batter will be fairly runny . Bake at 350 ° for 35 - 40 minutes , or until toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean . Mix everything together , but don 't over mix . The batter will be fairly runny . Bake at 350 ° for 40 - 45 minutes , or until toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean . Top with powdered sugar or use your favorite frosting . As the school year wraps up , my daughter , Megan , has been very busy with band activities . Two concerts this week , and playing for the high school graduation on Sunday . School is out Monday for Memorial Day , then back for the final two days on Tuesday and Wednesday . I can 't believe how much she 's grown this year , both inside and out ! On the outside , she 's grown 6 1 / 2 inches in height , 2 shoe sizes , and while she 's still a couple of inches shorter than me , her hands are bigger than mine . Sometimes I look at her and am amazed at who she 's becoming , wonder who this beautiful young woman is , and where 's my little girl ? ! ? Sorry . . . got off track a bit there . This is supposed to be about the award Megan received this week . The first award for the ninth grade band members was for most improved , and started out with the director talking about the person he was giving it to . He said this student started out in beginning band last year , and had done so well that he had moved them up into an ensemble group quickly . As soon as he said that , I knew Megan was the recipient of this award ! She 'd never been in band until last year , and she did advance quickly . He continued to say how much work she 'd done to improve , then announced Megan as the winner ! She was totally surprised and never imagined she 'd receive such an award . She was presented with a very nice engraved plaque and certificate . Congratulations , Megan ! We are so proud of you ! For the past several years , we 've had sparrows nesting under the roof of our covered patio . I read that the male sparrow selects the site for his nest , builds it , and then woos a lady to share it with him . Sparrows are monogamous , so once they find a mate , they stay together for life . Once a nest site is chosen , he will usually keep it his entire life . This particular sparrow has wintered in his nest for at least the last four years . The females don 't necessarily stay with their mates during the winter , but come back to the nest in the spring . We 've had to modify things a bit here and there to make this nest a better home . The white board in front was added two summers ago , because the babies kept falling out of the nest . Sometimes we 'd just happen to be around at the right time and get them put back in , but mostly if they fell out , they died . This was heartbreaking for all of us , so we 've helped the sparrow family by making it easier for the babies to stay in the nest . This mommy and daddy usually have three or four batches of babies each summer . This is their first brood of the season , and we 've been watching the nest and keeping track of how the babies are growing . Once the eggs are laid , it takes a couple of weeks for them to hatch . The babies hatch with no feathers , and their eyes are closed . We know when the babies have hatched because we 'll hear soft cheeping . But they grow fast , the cheeping becomes louder and more insistent , and soon they 're coming to the front of the nest for feeding . They get very noisy when a parent is back , trying to get enough attention ( each trying to out - yell its siblings ) , to get that juicy bug . Amazingly , it only takes a couple of weeks for the hatched naked and blind babies to be ready to fledge and leave the nest ! Mother Sparrow , mouth full of bug , making sure it 's safe to proceed to the nest . Each parent sits on the power line for a moment to make sure nothing dangerous follows them home . In watching the parents take care of the babies , I 've noticed that the mommy bird is much more nurturing than the daddy . She flies in and carefully feeds the babies , taking time to poke bugs in each little mouth ( she will often have several bugs in her beak at one time ) , makes sure everyone is settled and kind of tidies the nest , then she flies off to find more bugs . Daddy , on the other hand , greatly differs in his parenting style . He usually comes back with one bug , is sitting outside the nest waiting his turn to feed the babies , and is squawking at the mom to hurry up . When she finally flies out , he quickly goes in , pokes the bug into a mouth , and flies back out . He 's so quick , it 's hard to get a photo of him ! No fuss , no muss . Straight to the point and efficient . The video is mostly to share what we hear , not so much what we see in the nest . It shows just how noisy a nest full of baby sparrows really is ! We got to watch the solar eclipse this evening , and even though it really wasn 't a " ring of fire " for us , the sun did have a large bite out of it . It was a little odd to have the sun so high in the sky , but the light was significantly dimmed . To view the progress of the eclipse safely , we put a pinhole in a piece of paper , and let the sun project onto the side of the house . It was easy to see how the sun looked , and we didn 't have to go blind in the process . I snapped a couple of pictures . . . ok . . . a lot more than a couple , but when you can 't look at the sun to aim at it , it 's a little bit tricky to get a good photo . One looks Pac Man on a wire , but there was no way I could get the sun and not have a tree or wire in the way from our yard . So we made a quick trip to a nearby park , where there was a more open view . The eclipse was nearing the end , but still , a piece is missing . Very neat , and lots of fun to see this celestial event ! I went for my walk this evening , instead of this morning . I should have gone this morning ! I was nearly 2 miles from home when it started to rain . . . The wind was blowing pretty hard , so maybe I got a little bit of drying action along with the shower ? Nah , not much . My jacket and jeans were soaked . Other than being wet by the time I got home , it was a lovely walk ! My first thought was , wow , that 's a brave person . I would never do that in public . Especially in that spot , since I know there 's a camera trained on it . How embarrassing ! When the picture updated , there was a new pose , and I continued to think about the type of personality it would take to do yoga in such a place , where lots of people are constantly coming and going . Curious , I watched as the camera updated again . No , I 'm not a creepy type of stalker person , but I was still thinking about public exercise . Then it hit me . . . I exercise in public all the time ! There may not be a camera watching every move I make , but plenty of people see me doing my morning exercise , and probably don 't think anything of it . I know I have never thought much about it before today , and have never been embarrassed by it . I have been walking several miles every morning ( yesterday , I did 5 miles ) , and really , is that so different than doing yoga in the park ? My first instinct was , yes , it is different . This probably comes from my introverted personality . But after thinking about it more deeply , I don 't think so now . If you 're going to do yoga outdoors , and why not , I can 't think of a more beautiful place to be than in Yellowstone ! When my family visits there this summer , I 'll be doing my choice of exercise there as well . On my walk today , I went by a house that makes me sad . It has been abandoned for many , many years , and it sits on the corner of a very busy street . Several times over the years , my husband and I have discussed this house and yard , usually when we 'd driven by it . Who owned it ? Why was it simply abandoned and why hadn 't anyone fixed it up ? Would they mind if we mowed ( the grass and weeds were out of control ) , or maybe we could find out who owned it and see if cleaning up the place could be a youth group project ? A few months ago , there was a fire , and the house was pretty much destroyed . The home and vehicles next door were also damaged . I haven 't heard the official cause of the fire , but arson was suspected . Now the poor thing just needs torn down , but there it sits . A burned out mess . And we are still asking questions , just slightly different ones . Who owns it ? Why are they just letting it sit there ? Will the city step in , and will they tear it down before someone gets hurt ? Bright and early on Saturday morning , Chad and Megan ran a 5K . It was a chilly 39 degrees at starting time , but they warmed up nicely during their run . They stayed together until near the end , when Chad 's knee started to bother him , because he was running with a much shorter stride than normal ( Megan 's legs are not as long as his . . . yet ! ) . Needing to stretch that knee out , he ran on ahead for a bit , then ran back and finished with Megan . I think it 's very sweet that he sacrifices his own running time , and possible win , to stay with her so she doesn 't have to run alone . When the results were announced , Megan had won the gold medal for her division . Way to go ! After the race , they had breakfast together . It was a special daddy and daughter time for them . We just watched a wonderful movie : We Bought A Zoo . It is sweet , funny , sad , and touching , and I think I will need to watch it again to let it all soak in . It is based on the non - fiction book of the same title , but there are some differences between the real Mee family , and the movie Mee family . The movie takes place in California , while the real family lives in England . There are a few other things changed a bit for the screen , but the basic story of their lives is there . I have not read the book , but I will , as soon as it is available in our local library . Someone has it checked out right now , but I 've reserved it , and can 't wait to get my hands on it . I have read enough about the Mees online to know that life has not been easy for them , but still , there are wonderful messages , and beauty , in the chronicle of this family 's love , loss , and ultimate perseverance . Work on the Rose McLaughlin Memorial Garden has begun ! This is a garden I 've been planning since last summer to honor my Grandma Rose . She loved gardening and flowers , and passed that love on to many of her descendants , including myself . What could be a more fitting way to remember her ? Friday , as we traveled to Sheridan , the day was clear and beautiful . We had a nice drive and saw plenty of deer and pronghorn along the way . But not too long after we got to Sheridan , the weather turned windy and rainy , so we ran some errands , had lunch , checked in at our hotel , then headed out to find where the race was being held the next day . By the time we had done all of that , the skies had cleared again , and the late afternoon and evening were perfect . My husband 's parents had called , and decided to make the short drive over from their home in Buffalo to meet us for supper . We had a nice visit with them , talking about the upcoming race , and the properties around the area that they had recently looked at . When it was time to go , we stood outside the restaurant visiting a bit more , and somehow , my daughter got into a dandelion war with her grandmother . . . the fluffy seeds were flying everywhere , and a sort of truce was called when grandma ended up with a mouthful ! It was pretty funny , and the two of them about laughed themselves silly . After we said our goodbyes and left the restaurant ( and the dandelion ammunition ) , it was far too nice to go back to the hotel , so we decided to take a walk . We headed to Kendrick Park and Wildlife Refuge , where there are miles of beautiful walking paths . We saw deer , bison and elk , and I 'd wished I had a better camera with me , but I didn 't , so the cell phone camera would have to do . Near the end of our walk , we came to a spot on the path where there was a clearing , and we could see over most of the town . The moon was out and nearly full ; this was the night before the " super moon " , and was pretty spectacular . The cell phone picture definitely can 't do it justice . Bison , Kendrick Wildlife Refuge After we stood and looked over the town , pointing out buildings or places of interest below us , it was starting to get dark , and we had a pretty good hike back to the car . So we headed out , and went back to the hotel for the night . It was a relaxing end to a very busy day . As I said in my last blog post , my family traveled to Sheridan , Wyoming on Friday , in preparation for the half marathon my husband , Chad , was running on Saturday . The weather was clear and beautiful for our little road trip , and we had a lovely day . I 'll write more about our Friday adventures tomorrow . Today , I 'll skip right to the events of Saturday . Saturday dawned cold and foggy . Chad had to be up early so he could get his breakfast eaten , and drink water and Gatorade , at least two hours before start time . We knew the weather forecast was not that great , calling for wind , rain and a high of about 50 degrees . Not great when you 've got 13 . 1 miles to run out in the country , over dirt roads and through pastures ! Chad had a hard time deciding what to wear , and how many layers he might need to help keep warm , in case it did start to rain . We packed up and checked out of the hotel , and made the 30 minute drive out of town , to the starting place , a residence out in the country , surrounded by beautiful rolling hills , with a great view of the nearby Big Horn Mountains . By the time we got there , the fog had lifted , but the clouds were heavy and dark . Before long , the mountains began to disappear , and we knew the rain was coming ! We prayed that the bad weather would hold off for the runners . Hmmm . . . which shoes are going to be better ? The race began at precisely 9 : 00 a . m . My daughter and I settled in the car with our books , knowing it would be a couple of hours before we 'd see Chad making his way toward the finish . I said some prayers for his physical health , and for safety , and watched as the sky got darker , and darker . About an hour in , the sky opened up , and it began to pour ! The wind kicked up , and it got cold enough in the car that I started it so we could have some heat . I was worried about all of the walkers and runners being out in it , and just hoped they weren 't too uncomfortable . Later , after we 'd gotten home , I checked the temperature log for the day in Sheridan , and as the bad weather moved in , it had gotten down to about 45 degrees before the race was over . With the strong wind and rain , that had to be no fun . Finally , at about 2 hours and 15 minutes , we saw Chad coming up the hill above where we were parked . Another two minutes , and he 'd crossed the finish line ! His official time was 2 : 17 : 37 , which was actually faster than what he 'd managed in training , on flat , paved surfaces , and good weather conditions . Not bad for his very first half marathon ! So proud of him for his accomplishment ! I had wanted to get some good pictures of Chad as he finished , but with all the rain and wind , it didn 't work out well . The best I could do was either take pictures through the open car window , or hop out and quickly snap a picture before the wind blew rain all over the camera lens . So , alas , the photographic evidence is not great , but I think the memory of the entire experience will last a very long time ! After the race , there were prizes and food . The hosts of the event have a huge building that normally houses a very large motor coach , that they had set up for the " after run party " . After some food and water for Chad , it was time to get him into a hot shower and dry clothes . He was very cold , totally soaked , and muddy . His parents live in Buffalo , about 30 minutes from Sheridan ( an hour from where the race was ) , so we headed that way , and finally got him taken care of . There were lots of runners crazy enough to go out in the bad weather ! Today , we are traveling to Sheridan , Wyoming , in preparation for the half marathon ( 13 . 1 miles ) my husband will be participating in on Saturday morning . It will take place at the foot of the Big Horn Mountains , and is a cross - country . No flat pavement for this run ! It 's his first time running that distance in an official race , although he 's done it here in town during his training . I will write about the adventure when we get back ! My friend , Gwen , is out of town . She 's on her way to Texas , where she will go on a two day , 153 mile bicycle ride , to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society . While she 's gone , I 'm taking care of her house and pets . One of her dogs is a golden retriever , named Samantha , " Sam " for short , but I usually call her " Sammy Roo " . Don 't ask me why , because I don 't know . I just always have . She doesn 't mind , and even seems to like it , as evidenced by the wagging tail when I call her that . Sam is the sweetest girl ever , and I love to take her for walks . Today , we left her house , walked to the town cemetery , walked all around there , then back to her house . The walk was wonderful , the weather exactly right for a long walk , but the neatest thing was the distance ; exactly two miles ! I know this because I was wearing a GPS watch that keeps track of my walking distance . I 've ever managed an exact mileage before , so that was fun . Another fun factoid , for me anyway , is that part way through today 's walk , the watch started beeping at me . I thought I 'd done something wrong , but , no . It was beeping to let me know that it had reached a total distance of 100 miles ! Now before you get all excited and feel too proud of me , most of those miles belong to my husband . He 's a runner , and the watch is really his , but he sweetly lets me borrow it . Sammy Roo was absolutely jubilant about being part of the 100 miles reached ! Ok , maybe she was jubilant because I sounded happy as I told her about it , and she got some extra scratches behind the ears out of the deal . . . I 'm dreaming of a white summer . Just like the ones I used to know . . . . . waaaaaaaait ! What ? ? ? Yep , ' fraid so . This is most definitely going to be a white summer . We 've had such a dry and warm spring , that the cottonwood trees have been , er , fruitful with their pollinating . We are going to have a bumper crop of cotton this year . I 'm kind of worried it 's going to be the worst cotton season we 've had since we moved here , ten years ago . Young cotton pods in our tree . They will grow and swell , and then burst open , unleashing their cottony terror upon the innocent citizens of the neighborhood . This particular tree is not alone . It has many pod - bearing friends nearby . We 've had heavy cotton seasons in the past . Some were so bad that you 'd swear we were having a major blizzard in July , and it was a blizzard , but not the cold , snowy kind . Drifts of cotton will pile up in large drifts against buildings , fences , and on lawn furniture . The cottonwood cotton is not just soft puffs floating through the air , oh no . The strands that make up the little puffs are very sticky . They glue themselves to everything , clogging window screens , and air conditioners , and it will get in your eyes , nose , and mouth if you venture outdoors . It sticks to shoes , and your pet 's fur , and gets tracked inside . My flowers and vegetable plants , tops to the ground , will be completely covered and choked with cotton . The stuff is so sticky that even trying to hose it off doesn 't work . And the seeds inside this sticky , yet fluffy stuff , are very eager to grow new trees . Every inch of the garden , and every pot and barrel , even puddles , will be sprouting new baby trees within hours . In heavy cotton years , I 've pulled the sprouts , by the handful , while making up my own little jokes about the deforestation that I 'm performing . Time will tell if my fears of the worst cotton season ever will come true . Until then , I get the joy of watching the pods in the trees mature , and cringe at what it will mean for us in about a month . So , I guess I 'll try to look on the bright side , and keep singing , " I 'm dreaming of a white summer . . . " . |
I had a lovely morning with my daughter . She got up and joined me for my usual 5 mile walk . Not that she had much of a choice ; I did wake her up to come with me , but she came willingly and cheerfully . We enjoyed the cool morning , lively conversation , and then on the way home , she enjoyed a blackberry Italian soda from the coffee shop we go right by ( I enjoyed just a sip of said soda ) . By the time we got home , we 'd walked 5 1 / 4 miles in about 90 minutes time . I hope she will continue to do this on a regular basis with me . It was nice having my walking buddy back ! In the spring of 2006 , construction began on my mother 's addition to our house . My father had died the year before , and their house and yard were too much for my mom to take care of by herself . She didn 't live very far from us , but my husband , Chad , spent quite a bit of time over there helping take care of things . One February day , we were all out for lunch at a restaurant , and the food was taking a very long time to reach our table . While we waited , mom was talking about selling her house and trying to find something smaller , with a smaller yard . Lightning , or something , struck Chad and he said we should just add a mother - in - law 's apartment to our house . It seemed like such a simple solution to the problem ! Mom liked the idea , so right then and there , they started drawing the plans on a napkin . As we found out what would be required by our town to do such a thing , the plans morphed a bit , but things moved very quickly , and work started just three months after the idea was sparked . As the construction went on , one of the things that had to be done was digging up the front yard to put in new sewer and water lines , and they had to go through part of my perennial flower bed . When all the digging was done , one of the things I noticed was that there were iris corms scattered around ; I 'd had three varieties of iris in that section of the bed . They weren 't necessarily anywhere near where they had been , some of them were mixed in with the dirt that was now in the middle of where the lawn should be . I gathered up what I could find , and put them back in the flower bed we were reconstructing . Over the next couple of years as the irises grew back and began to bloom again , they were all mixed together , but I was only seeing two of the varieties . I was kind of sad that I was missing the third type , because it was my favorite . But there was still some hope . There was one very small chunk of iris root that grew a few little spikes , kind of off by itself . Since there wasn 't much root left , its recovery was taking longer . I have watched it all of these past six years , and wondered if it would ever bloom . I was so excited this year to see a couple of bloom stalks growing , that I could hardly stand to wait for them to open ! When that first bloom finally did unfurl . . . yes ! ! ! It was my favorite burgundy and gold variety that had been missing all of this time . Now I will have to be patient as it continues to grow and spread so that there will be more of them . Welcome back , my beautiful friend ; I have missed you so ! We are getting closer to finishing the Rose McLaughlin Memorial Garden ! You can click here and here to see how it all started . The work has been delayed by cold temperatures and rain , but today is warm and clear , so mom and I got to work . Mom putting in some of the new little plants . As soon as we finished for today , I watered all the new little plants . I put up the hose , and turned around to see a visitor had already stopped by . Gorgeous ! We have not seen the sun for several days , and have had quite a lot of rain . While it makes gardening and other outdoor activities difficult , this arid land becomes parched very quickly in the summer , so we are thankful for every drop of moisture . These last few days have brought us 1 3 / 4 inches of rain , but I am so happy to see the sun and a cloudless blue sky this morning ! Thank you , God , for the blessings of rain , and the sunshine that follows . My mom has been making Crazy Cake for as long as I can remember . In researching Crazy Cake , I found that it is also known as Depression Cake , Wacky Cake , and No Eggs , Butter , or Milk Cake . No matter what you call it , it 's amazing , and YUMMY ! Mom often made this for church potluck dinners , and it was always a hit . Developed during the Great Depression , and also popular during World War II when certain grocery items were hard to come by , this recipe is not only tasty , it is versatile and very easy to make . It magically makes a wonderful , moist cake without eggs , milk or butter . The secret is the vinegar ; it reacts with the soda to make the cake rise and have a nice texture . Though this version is for a chocolate cake , I have seen variations for spice , carrot , vanilla , and lemon cakes , all made from the basic recipe . Many people just mix all the ingredients right in the pan , but I prefer to use a mixing bowl . I am not a neat enough cook to mix everything up in the pan and not make a mess ! I made a gluten free and very low fat version of this cake , and it would be very easy to make it vegan by using vegan sugar . I will add the original recipe below my " tweaked " version . Enjoy ! Mix everything together , but don 't over mix . The batter will be fairly runny . Bake at 350 ° for 35 - 40 minutes , or until toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean . Mix everything together , but don 't over mix . The batter will be fairly runny . Bake at 350 ° for 40 - 45 minutes , or until toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean . Top with powdered sugar or use your favorite frosting . As the school year wraps up , my daughter , Megan , has been very busy with band activities . Two concerts this week , and playing for the high school graduation on Sunday . School is out Monday for Memorial Day , then back for the final two days on Tuesday and Wednesday . I can 't believe how much she 's grown this year , both inside and out ! On the outside , she 's grown 6 1 / 2 inches in height , 2 shoe sizes , and while she 's still a couple of inches shorter than me , her hands are bigger than mine . Sometimes I look at her and am amazed at who she 's becoming , wonder who this beautiful young woman is , and where 's my little girl ? ! ? Sorry . . . got off track a bit there . This is supposed to be about the award Megan received this week . The first award for the ninth grade band members was for most improved , and started out with the director talking about the person he was giving it to . He said this student started out in beginning band last year , and had done so well that he had moved them up into an ensemble group quickly . As soon as he said that , I knew Megan was the recipient of this award ! She 'd never been in band until last year , and she did advance quickly . He continued to say how much work she 'd done to improve , then announced Megan as the winner ! She was totally surprised and never imagined she 'd receive such an award . She was presented with a very nice engraved plaque and certificate . Congratulations , Megan ! We are so proud of you ! For the past several years , we 've had sparrows nesting under the roof of our covered patio . I read that the male sparrow selects the site for his nest , builds it , and then woos a lady to share it with him . Sparrows are monogamous , so once they find a mate , they stay together for life . Once a nest site is chosen , he will usually keep it his entire life . This particular sparrow has wintered in his nest for at least the last four years . The females don 't necessarily stay with their mates during the winter , but come back to the nest in the spring . We 've had to modify things a bit here and there to make this nest a better home . The white board in front was added two summers ago , because the babies kept falling out of the nest . Sometimes we 'd just happen to be around at the right time and get them put back in , but mostly if they fell out , they died . This was heartbreaking for all of us , so we 've helped the sparrow family by making it easier for the babies to stay in the nest . This mommy and daddy usually have three or four batches of babies each summer . This is their first brood of the season , and we 've been watching the nest and keeping track of how the babies are growing . Once the eggs are laid , it takes a couple of weeks for them to hatch . The babies hatch with no feathers , and their eyes are closed . We know when the babies have hatched because we 'll hear soft cheeping . But they grow fast , the cheeping becomes louder and more insistent , and soon they 're coming to the front of the nest for feeding . They get very noisy when a parent is back , trying to get enough attention ( each trying to out - yell its siblings ) , to get that juicy bug . Amazingly , it only takes a couple of weeks for the hatched naked and blind babies to be ready to fledge and leave the nest ! Mother Sparrow , mouth full of bug , making sure it 's safe to proceed to the nest . Each parent sits on the power line for a moment to make sure nothing dangerous follows them home . In watching the parents take care of the babies , I 've noticed that the mommy bird is much more nurturing than the daddy . She flies in and carefully feeds the babies , taking time to poke bugs in each little mouth ( she will often have several bugs in her beak at one time ) , makes sure everyone is settled and kind of tidies the nest , then she flies off to find more bugs . Daddy , on the other hand , greatly differs in his parenting style . He usually comes back with one bug , is sitting outside the nest waiting his turn to feed the babies , and is squawking at the mom to hurry up . When she finally flies out , he quickly goes in , pokes the bug into a mouth , and flies back out . He 's so quick , it 's hard to get a photo of him ! No fuss , no muss . Straight to the point and efficient . The video is mostly to share what we hear , not so much what we see in the nest . It shows just how noisy a nest full of baby sparrows really is ! We got to watch the solar eclipse this evening , and even though it really wasn 't a " ring of fire " for us , the sun did have a large bite out of it . It was a little odd to have the sun so high in the sky , but the light was significantly dimmed . To view the progress of the eclipse safely , we put a pinhole in a piece of paper , and let the sun project onto the side of the house . It was easy to see how the sun looked , and we didn 't have to go blind in the process . I snapped a couple of pictures . . . ok . . . a lot more than a couple , but when you can 't look at the sun to aim at it , it 's a little bit tricky to get a good photo . One looks Pac Man on a wire , but there was no way I could get the sun and not have a tree or wire in the way from our yard . So we made a quick trip to a nearby park , where there was a more open view . The eclipse was nearing the end , but still , a piece is missing . Very neat , and lots of fun to see this celestial event ! I went for my walk this evening , instead of this morning . I should have gone this morning ! I was nearly 2 miles from home when it started to rain . . . The wind was blowing pretty hard , so maybe I got a little bit of drying action along with the shower ? Nah , not much . My jacket and jeans were soaked . Other than being wet by the time I got home , it was a lovely walk ! My first thought was , wow , that 's a brave person . I would never do that in public . Especially in that spot , since I know there 's a camera trained on it . How embarrassing ! When the picture updated , there was a new pose , and I continued to think about the type of personality it would take to do yoga in such a place , where lots of people are constantly coming and going . Curious , I watched as the camera updated again . No , I 'm not a creepy type of stalker person , but I was still thinking about public exercise . Then it hit me . . . I exercise in public all the time ! There may not be a camera watching every move I make , but plenty of people see me doing my morning exercise , and probably don 't think anything of it . I know I have never thought much about it before today , and have never been embarrassed by it . I have been walking several miles every morning ( yesterday , I did 5 miles ) , and really , is that so different than doing yoga in the park ? My first instinct was , yes , it is different . This probably comes from my introverted personality . But after thinking about it more deeply , I don 't think so now . If you 're going to do yoga outdoors , and why not , I can 't think of a more beautiful place to be than in Yellowstone ! When my family visits there this summer , I 'll be doing my choice of exercise there as well . On my walk today , I went by a house that makes me sad . It has been abandoned for many , many years , and it sits on the corner of a very busy street . Several times over the years , my husband and I have discussed this house and yard , usually when we 'd driven by it . Who owned it ? Why was it simply abandoned and why hadn 't anyone fixed it up ? Would they mind if we mowed ( the grass and weeds were out of control ) , or maybe we could find out who owned it and see if cleaning up the place could be a youth group project ? A few months ago , there was a fire , and the house was pretty much destroyed . The home and vehicles next door were also damaged . I haven 't heard the official cause of the fire , but arson was suspected . Now the poor thing just needs torn down , but there it sits . A burned out mess . And we are still asking questions , just slightly different ones . Who owns it ? Why are they just letting it sit there ? Will the city step in , and will they tear it down before someone gets hurt ? Bright and early on Saturday morning , Chad and Megan ran a 5K . It was a chilly 39 degrees at starting time , but they warmed up nicely during their run . They stayed together until near the end , when Chad 's knee started to bother him , because he was running with a much shorter stride than normal ( Megan 's legs are not as long as his . . . yet ! ) . Needing to stretch that knee out , he ran on ahead for a bit , then ran back and finished with Megan . I think it 's very sweet that he sacrifices his own running time , and possible win , to stay with her so she doesn 't have to run alone . When the results were announced , Megan had won the gold medal for her division . Way to go ! After the race , they had breakfast together . It was a special daddy and daughter time for them . We just watched a wonderful movie : We Bought A Zoo . It is sweet , funny , sad , and touching , and I think I will need to watch it again to let it all soak in . It is based on the non - fiction book of the same title , but there are some differences between the real Mee family , and the movie Mee family . The movie takes place in California , while the real family lives in England . There are a few other things changed a bit for the screen , but the basic story of their lives is there . I have not read the book , but I will , as soon as it is available in our local library . Someone has it checked out right now , but I 've reserved it , and can 't wait to get my hands on it . I have read enough about the Mees online to know that life has not been easy for them , but still , there are wonderful messages , and beauty , in the chronicle of this family 's love , loss , and ultimate perseverance . Work on the Rose McLaughlin Memorial Garden has begun ! This is a garden I 've been planning since last summer to honor my Grandma Rose . She loved gardening and flowers , and passed that love on to many of her descendants , including myself . What could be a more fitting way to remember her ? Friday , as we traveled to Sheridan , the day was clear and beautiful . We had a nice drive and saw plenty of deer and pronghorn along the way . But not too long after we got to Sheridan , the weather turned windy and rainy , so we ran some errands , had lunch , checked in at our hotel , then headed out to find where the race was being held the next day . By the time we had done all of that , the skies had cleared again , and the late afternoon and evening were perfect . My husband 's parents had called , and decided to make the short drive over from their home in Buffalo to meet us for supper . We had a nice visit with them , talking about the upcoming race , and the properties around the area that they had recently looked at . When it was time to go , we stood outside the restaurant visiting a bit more , and somehow , my daughter got into a dandelion war with her grandmother . . . the fluffy seeds were flying everywhere , and a sort of truce was called when grandma ended up with a mouthful ! It was pretty funny , and the two of them about laughed themselves silly . After we said our goodbyes and left the restaurant ( and the dandelion ammunition ) , it was far too nice to go back to the hotel , so we decided to take a walk . We headed to Kendrick Park and Wildlife Refuge , where there are miles of beautiful walking paths . We saw deer , bison and elk , and I 'd wished I had a better camera with me , but I didn 't , so the cell phone camera would have to do . Near the end of our walk , we came to a spot on the path where there was a clearing , and we could see over most of the town . The moon was out and nearly full ; this was the night before the " super moon " , and was pretty spectacular . The cell phone picture definitely can 't do it justice . Bison , Kendrick Wildlife Refuge After we stood and looked over the town , pointing out buildings or places of interest below us , it was starting to get dark , and we had a pretty good hike back to the car . So we headed out , and went back to the hotel for the night . It was a relaxing end to a very busy day . As I said in my last blog post , my family traveled to Sheridan , Wyoming on Friday , in preparation for the half marathon my husband , Chad , was running on Saturday . The weather was clear and beautiful for our little road trip , and we had a lovely day . I 'll write more about our Friday adventures tomorrow . Today , I 'll skip right to the events of Saturday . Saturday dawned cold and foggy . Chad had to be up early so he could get his breakfast eaten , and drink water and Gatorade , at least two hours before start time . We knew the weather forecast was not that great , calling for wind , rain and a high of about 50 degrees . Not great when you 've got 13 . 1 miles to run out in the country , over dirt roads and through pastures ! Chad had a hard time deciding what to wear , and how many layers he might need to help keep warm , in case it did start to rain . We packed up and checked out of the hotel , and made the 30 minute drive out of town , to the starting place , a residence out in the country , surrounded by beautiful rolling hills , with a great view of the nearby Big Horn Mountains . By the time we got there , the fog had lifted , but the clouds were heavy and dark . Before long , the mountains began to disappear , and we knew the rain was coming ! We prayed that the bad weather would hold off for the runners . Hmmm . . . which shoes are going to be better ? The race began at precisely 9 : 00 a . m . My daughter and I settled in the car with our books , knowing it would be a couple of hours before we 'd see Chad making his way toward the finish . I said some prayers for his physical health , and for safety , and watched as the sky got darker , and darker . About an hour in , the sky opened up , and it began to pour ! The wind kicked up , and it got cold enough in the car that I started it so we could have some heat . I was worried about all of the walkers and runners being out in it , and just hoped they weren 't too uncomfortable . Later , after we 'd gotten home , I checked the temperature log for the day in Sheridan , and as the bad weather moved in , it had gotten down to about 45 degrees before the race was over . With the strong wind and rain , that had to be no fun . Finally , at about 2 hours and 15 minutes , we saw Chad coming up the hill above where we were parked . Another two minutes , and he 'd crossed the finish line ! His official time was 2 : 17 : 37 , which was actually faster than what he 'd managed in training , on flat , paved surfaces , and good weather conditions . Not bad for his very first half marathon ! So proud of him for his accomplishment ! I had wanted to get some good pictures of Chad as he finished , but with all the rain and wind , it didn 't work out well . The best I could do was either take pictures through the open car window , or hop out and quickly snap a picture before the wind blew rain all over the camera lens . So , alas , the photographic evidence is not great , but I think the memory of the entire experience will last a very long time ! After the race , there were prizes and food . The hosts of the event have a huge building that normally houses a very large motor coach , that they had set up for the " after run party " . After some food and water for Chad , it was time to get him into a hot shower and dry clothes . He was very cold , totally soaked , and muddy . His parents live in Buffalo , about 30 minutes from Sheridan ( an hour from where the race was ) , so we headed that way , and finally got him taken care of . There were lots of runners crazy enough to go out in the bad weather ! Today , we are traveling to Sheridan , Wyoming , in preparation for the half marathon ( 13 . 1 miles ) my husband will be participating in on Saturday morning . It will take place at the foot of the Big Horn Mountains , and is a cross - country . No flat pavement for this run ! It 's his first time running that distance in an official race , although he 's done it here in town during his training . I will write about the adventure when we get back ! My friend , Gwen , is out of town . She 's on her way to Texas , where she will go on a two day , 153 mile bicycle ride , to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society . While she 's gone , I 'm taking care of her house and pets . One of her dogs is a golden retriever , named Samantha , " Sam " for short , but I usually call her " Sammy Roo " . Don 't ask me why , because I don 't know . I just always have . She doesn 't mind , and even seems to like it , as evidenced by the wagging tail when I call her that . Sam is the sweetest girl ever , and I love to take her for walks . Today , we left her house , walked to the town cemetery , walked all around there , then back to her house . The walk was wonderful , the weather exactly right for a long walk , but the neatest thing was the distance ; exactly two miles ! I know this because I was wearing a GPS watch that keeps track of my walking distance . I 've ever managed an exact mileage before , so that was fun . Another fun factoid , for me anyway , is that part way through today 's walk , the watch started beeping at me . I thought I 'd done something wrong , but , no . It was beeping to let me know that it had reached a total distance of 100 miles ! Now before you get all excited and feel too proud of me , most of those miles belong to my husband . He 's a runner , and the watch is really his , but he sweetly lets me borrow it . Sammy Roo was absolutely jubilant about being part of the 100 miles reached ! Ok , maybe she was jubilant because I sounded happy as I told her about it , and she got some extra scratches behind the ears out of the deal . . . I 'm dreaming of a white summer . Just like the ones I used to know . . . . . waaaaaaaait ! What ? ? ? Yep , ' fraid so . This is most definitely going to be a white summer . We 've had such a dry and warm spring , that the cottonwood trees have been , er , fruitful with their pollinating . We are going to have a bumper crop of cotton this year . I 'm kind of worried it 's going to be the worst cotton season we 've had since we moved here , ten years ago . Young cotton pods in our tree . They will grow and swell , and then burst open , unleashing their cottony terror upon the innocent citizens of the neighborhood . This particular tree is not alone . It has many pod - bearing friends nearby . We 've had heavy cotton seasons in the past . Some were so bad that you 'd swear we were having a major blizzard in July , and it was a blizzard , but not the cold , snowy kind . Drifts of cotton will pile up in large drifts against buildings , fences , and on lawn furniture . The cottonwood cotton is not just soft puffs floating through the air , oh no . The strands that make up the little puffs are very sticky . They glue themselves to everything , clogging window screens , and air conditioners , and it will get in your eyes , nose , and mouth if you venture outdoors . It sticks to shoes , and your pet 's fur , and gets tracked inside . My flowers and vegetable plants , tops to the ground , will be completely covered and choked with cotton . The stuff is so sticky that even trying to hose it off doesn 't work . And the seeds inside this sticky , yet fluffy stuff , are very eager to grow new trees . Every inch of the garden , and every pot and barrel , even puddles , will be sprouting new baby trees within hours . In heavy cotton years , I 've pulled the sprouts , by the handful , while making up my own little jokes about the deforestation that I 'm performing . Time will tell if my fears of the worst cotton season ever will come true . Until then , I get the joy of watching the pods in the trees mature , and cringe at what it will mean for us in about a month . So , I guess I 'll try to look on the bright side , and keep singing , " I 'm dreaming of a white summer . . . " . |
Our farm is named for the many projects and ecosystems we have in our little acre under the runway . Some are carefully designed permaculture gardens , with each part serving to enhance the whole . Others are self - invited , or arose out of a beneficial coincidence . When I went back inside , inevitably I could not sleep . I tried reading Middlemarch . It was the section of Middlemarch when the reader starts to realize what a long book it is . I caught up on some emails I should have sent out earlier . I deleted some photos from my phone and reorganized my mailboxes . Still waiting to sleep . I have my parents , and all my siblings , my spouse and my child . I don 't want to take these people for granted . I am incredibly lucky to have known them and luckier yet that they are all still around . I have all five senses intact . I don 't feel enslaved to my senses , but I have not lost any of my wonder at them . The crow of a rooster still wakes me up in the dead of night and I feel fortunate that this is so . I have made friends , and they are knitting together into a community . In my younger days I wouldn 't have believed this possible . I like people but I 'm the first to admit , I don 't really ' get ' the secret of being comfortable socially . I 'm delighted to have friends who accept this , and who are comfortable with the same kinds of friendship I am . I am healthy . I keep waiting for aches and pains , but if I have any they are no worse than the different ones of my twenties . I 'm on a plateau , where I 've learned all my triggers , and know how to avoid them . It may not last indefinitely , but at this moment I can honestly say I 've never felt better . I have always loved animals , and I am able to have them in my life in ways that are productive . I have made peace with the fact that I will outlive most of the animals I care for , and that I will participate in the respectful end of life for many of them . And occasionally eat them . Cosmo joined Several Gardens Farm as a young rooster back in 2003 , as part of a group of bantam chickens given to us by neighborhood children . We did not know his age at the time , but we estimate he was between 7 and 12 months . He was our faithful rooster for eleven years . Few humans could have show the courage , generosity or loyalty he did . He never ate anything until his hens had been given first choice . He never ran from danger until the flock had made good its escape . Then he would run screaming from his predator , diverting them from everything but the red comet of noise he could become . He never knew how tiny he was . He took on fights with stray roosters in the neighborhood , with a huge drake duck , with his own evil and ungrateful son . Never once in his life did he win a fight . We often had to rescue him . But he was always gentle with people , to the point of letting kids pull on his feathers or cuddle him like a baby . He never abandoned his hens , even if it meant being constantly beaten by another rooster , or stalked by a cat . He knew his duty . Once a foolish hen flew into the neighbor 's yard and was attacked by their dog . Cosmo went in to get her . I went in to get him , too late for the hen . This summer he slowed down . He became too weak to climb up to the perch and began to sleep in a nest instead . He stopped leaving the barn , except to eat , drink or sit in the sunlight . Courting the hens was ancient history . Then about a week ago , he started wandering off . He had a very strong sense of place , and never left the yard , but suddenly he was showing up at the neighbors . He was losing weight , and looking wrinkled in his skin . His crop was never full any more , as though he had stopped eating . I began to lock him up at night , which I had never done before . Then we locked him up in the days , too , as he couldn 't stop wandering . But it was a strange wandering - he would sit still for hours , then walk off to the fence line , where he would huddle miserably . I began to make plans for his end of life . I could see it was soon . While it would have been nice for him to peacefully pass , I was getting ready to bring him a quicker ending . Then one day , I let him out to sun himself and went away for a bit . I came back and he was gone . Three days have past and we haven 't seen or heard him . A rooster doesn 't hide . Can 't hide . I am certain if he were alive , Cosmo would crow . I have hunted down every rooster cry in the neighborhood . I 've discovered many , well loved roosters that I knew nothing about , but none of the crowing is Cosmo . I have to conclude he has died . I never believed that animals ' went off to be alone to die ' , but I can see the logic for a rooster . As head of the flock , most roosters have a huge investment in the chicks that are their offspring , and in the well being of the hens who care for them . A weak , old , disoriented rooster could bring down predators on his whole flock . Walking away , letting them catch him far from his family , might be a last service he can give to the flock he has cared for so valiantly and well . I feel guilty and horrible for letting it happen but there 's a certain sense in it . To his great credit , Cosmo has made me a lifelong fan of roosters . I will find another one - many roosters need homes . I will try to find one as gentle , brave and devoted as our Cosmic Cosmo , and I will try to let him be his own rooster , instead of making him fill the giant shoes of his tiny predecessor . Posted by A plant that goes straight from a pot into the ground can run into trouble . If its roots had filled up the pot , they may have stopped reaching out and started curving around the edge of their little universe . When they go into the ground , if the soil is too compact it feels like the edge of the pot . The plant has learned about limits and doesn 't try to expand beyond them . Whenever you plant a potted plant , break up the roots a little - just massage them hard . Break up the soil all around the hole , and fill it with water . Water the soil in around the new plant so it fills the cracks you made in the root ball . This helps the plant discover all the opportunities outside the edges it 's gotten used to . On the other hand , bare root plants are in danger from not having any contact with the ground at all . You can plant them and walk away , and they can be surrounded with pockets of air instead of nice soil . Always water them well , even if it 's raining , and stamp or press hard on the soil around them to bed them in . But when your transplant works , it 's amazing . If you watch a new transplant , day by day , you can almost see the moment when the new soil becomes home . The leaf buds it already had when you planted it are all open . Suddenly a tree starts to form new leaves , or a perennial pushes out a second shoot from its crown . The plant is no longer drawing from its reserves , but making new food for itself from the sun , soil and water in its new location . While the bushes and brambles are fruiting , the new trees aren 't making fruit this year . If they did we 'd snip it off . They need more time to form their shapes . But they are leafing and growing . Most of the herbs are transplants from elsewhere and look pretty scrawny , but they have passed the moment where they might die . I even succeeded in transplanting a very young fennel which I will probably regret when it turns into a thicket of stems taller than I am . There are three rows of ' retaining walls ' we built out of the strips of turf cut up from the old lawn . Stacked up five or six layers deep , it 's now broken down in to fine soil and forms a long row of raised area that slows the water flowing down the hill and traps if for the plants . I planted it with divisions from plants I already had - sedum , aster , artichoke , thyme and other solid performers that will spread their roots into the retentive soil and hold it in place in the many rainy winters to come ( I hope ; this is at least the plan ) . These raised areas are the champions . The trees are doing well too . They were put in bare root and I was worried they wouldn 't make good enough contact with the soil . But as far as I can tell they appear to be expanding their roots into the soil beyond where they started . I 'm especially proud of this shapely little quince . The persimmon appeared dead but I had already been prepared for that . They need a certain amount of heat units before they wake up , and transplants are often the last to start their first year . Now it 's starting to leaf out . I always include a pineapple sage in every new garden I plant . They smell wonderful . The leaves are nice in desserts and beverages . More important from my perspective as a gardener , they also wilt immediately when the soil even thinks of getting dry and days before any other plants start showing stress . The are like living moisture meters ; very convenient if you keep an eye on them . Late in the summer this plant will be about waist high and will suddenly cover itself with bright red flowers beloved by hummingbirds and also useful as garnishes . There are still wide open tracts of wood chips . Last fall I sowed oats , which died over the winter , fava beans which were mostly eaten by squirrels right after their first true leaves appeared ( here 's one that survived ) and crimson clover , which made a miserable show but at least gave it a try . Wood chips aren 't a great place to grow unless you 're a mushroom . We invited a school friend of Noah 's to be there for the kidding . I thought if anything it would mean more to him than to Noah . He is a very gentle , sensitive young man ; a guy who goes to a nerf gun party to be the medic . We checked Lightning every 3 hours until she started showing signs of being near her term . Lightning has always been skittish but it was hugely exaggerated now . She needed rest and couldn 't settle down if she felt like we were checking up on her all the time , so we tried to be discrete . I sent the boys to get some shut eye , warning them they might be wakened at any time of night . I set my alarm to go off every hour , and lay down to rest . At midnight , she was just as before . By one thirty , she was looking more relaxed ( I just peeked at her , didn 't let her know I was there . At two thirty she was lying down , at three thirty she was sound asleep , her head hanging to the side . At four , I was wakened by a frantic sounding goat 's bleating . I sometimes complain about Lightning being loud , but this was not a goat being too talkative ; something was up . I went out to find her lying on her side , clearly in labor . I saw a little nose and a hoof . There should be two ; one hoof was bent back inside . I hadn 't encountered this before , but luckily I 'd obsessed over the Fiasco Farm kidding information and knew exactly what to do ; get on a sterile glove , reach in , straighten that leg so the baby could slide out . It went easily , just like the instructions said it would . But instead of struggling to get moving , the second kid lay weakly . She couldn 't organize her limbs , and couldn 't breath correctly even after we held her by her hind limbs to let all the birth fluids out . As she got clean , we could see that she had a poorly developed upper jaw , and had some other issues with her facial development . While I was working on keeping her airway clean and getting her dryed off and breathing , David was calling our friend Julie , who woke up immediately ( 4 : 30 am ) and began walking us through the steps to get her going , clear any goo that was still in her mouth and lungs . There wasn 't much but I did it , hoping to help her feel better if nothing more . It didn 't seem to be helping . There 's a point where it 's clear that treating a situation as ' normal ' isn 't working . Noah 's friend was upset , and asking if we should bring her to the vet . He was respectful but very persistent , a real advocate for the little goat . But it was dawning on me that she wasn 't going to make it . Lightning was ignoring her . Her breathing was getting less regular . She was getting weaker . I wrapped her in warmed towels to keep her temperature up . Though it was a mild April night , I could feel her getting cooler and breathing less . A few minutes later - sooner than we could have gotten her to a vet , she was gone . We stayed with Lightning and her healthy girl till we were sure things were stable there ; then went in and sat at the dining table talking . Noah said he was very sad but didn 't have much else to say . His friend said he had to figure out a way to think about it . I told him I was very proud of how he handled himself . He stayed present , spoke up for the little goat and quite bravely stood for his convictions that she should be saved , when I was letting her go . He showed a lot of courage , especially in being willing to stay when it got sad , rather than stepping away . Then both boys asked for breakfast , and then went back to bed . I could tell they were so disoriented they were best off going back to sleep . I needed to be doing something . Fussed a bit with Lightning , did laundry ( we went through a lot of towels and sheets ) . In the morning we had a funeral for the girl we lost , and the boys went out and marveled at Lightnings adorable little girl . I called our friend 's parents and told them the night had been much more intense than even a normal goat birthing . Meggie 's story Yeah . The odds turned out to be 100 % . I was taking the day off from work . There wasn 't really much to do with Meggie but distract myself and not drive her crazy . I checked on her a lot , but mostly to keep busy I got the dinner ready , set the table , and did other preparations for the dinner . By that time she was pawing at the ground , frantically digging to make a deep bed . She cleared out the 5 " of wood shavings to get down to the dirt . Meggie , frantically digging herself a nest Her back was starting to hunch up with a contraction . I asked Noah to time them . They were fairly strong , every one to three minutes , but very irregular . I don 't know how often they should be . I mostly wanted something for Noah to focus on . He was fidgety and it was distracting Meggie . Then a bit of hoof appeared , only to go back in . At 5 : 30 , guests began to arrive . Every time someone came or went , she got more freaked out . David went in to spend time with the guests and keep them out of sight . Her contractions were weaker than half an hour earlier . David started the Seder . Meanwhile , I was starting to freak out . I kept seeing one hoof , but no progress whatever , and Meggie was getting tired and losing interest . It was as if she had just decided to stop trying . I called Julie and asked whether I needed to do more . Yes . Reach in and grab both front hooves and start helping . " Like pulling a banana out of its peel " Julie told me . I thought it would be just like helping Lightning 's baby with her hoof , but this was a whole different thing . The arm was pulled way back with one elbow tucked behind Meggie 's hip bone . That goatling was going no where till the arm got unbent . I didn 't want to reach into Meggie , but she not getting her kid out on her own . David came out to hold her front end while I reached in and located the hoof , and started coaxing it forward . And pulled . And pulled . Whenever Meggie pushed , I pulled . I smoothed the head out through a cervix that was way too small for it . Meggie was not happy . She never makes noise but she was bellowing by now . I had no idea how hard you would have to pull . The diagrams don 't really explain that part . And you have to pull at the right time - pulling when there isn 't a contraction can hurt Meggie . The kid wasn 't being passive . It was pulling its leg back in as hard as it could . That was actually really encouraging . The kid was alive and healthy and had a mind of its own . I could do it ! I realized suddenly that " kidding " and " pulling my leg " are both synonyms for tricking someone . I wasn 't sure if this made sense to me or not . It was just a turn of phrase I suddenly thought of at this moment . Too bad there was no one to take a picture of the kid when his head first crowned . His eyes were open , he was looking around and as soon as I cleaned his nose , he was breathing . I must have snagged my finger in his mouth ; he had a slightly bloody lower gum . But he looked so bright and curious , I knew he was eager to see the world . And that was that . He was the only one in there . I 'm barefoot because I got so much bedding and straw in my shoes . And it 's a warm April evening . As soon as she saw him , Meggie 's whole manner changed completely . She started licking him , stamping the ground , calling him , and looking for some water to drink . It was like nothing happened , and like he appeared magically instead of through several hours of hard work . Her backside must have hurt like crazy . But she was happy as a lark to be with her new son . In Lightning 's case , there was nothing we could do to help . We lost a kid , and Lightning and her other kid were never in any danger . I think Meggie and her kid would have been in trouble on her own , though . I won 't take this process for granted any more . Part of me thought ' well , isn 't everything real ' ? But I know what they were talking about . Sitting in a pile of wood shavings at night helping a goat have a baby , and letting it die while I held it , did feel very close to things as they really are . We aren 't full farmers - our lives or livelihood don 't depend on the animals we take care of , though once in a while it 's clear that they are interwoven . More than baby goats . More than harvesting the first big tomato . More than serving a meal of 100 % farm raised food . I . Love . Winter . Pruning . This may sound like an unusual farm chore to be passionately attached to , but it 's true . It is my hands ' down favorite . I live just outside Seattle . Our winters are not very cold - sure , it freezes sometimes , but it 's never unbearably cold . This year has been comparatively dry , bright and sunny . Enough to worry about next summer 's water , but also enough to draw everybody outside . A dry day is a beautiful day and it 's a pleasure to be out in it . Always know where your fingers are and where the sharp part of your cutting tools are . Keep them separate . If your hands are cold , don 't count on your sense of touch alone . Your hands may be cold enough not to notice if a saw blade nicks them . LOOK at your saw and your fingers when you start to cut . Use correct ladder placement . I use an orchard ladder with three legs . I always maintain a strong angle between the pole and the fixed legs , and never climb so my waist is above the top step . Whatever ladder you use , use it safely and move it as needed instead of extending your body weight away from the center . Know your tools and check them often . Keep pruner and saw sharp , clean , and if they fall , know where they landed . Check ladder before using . I wear gloves every time I prune . Quit when you get tired or too cold or when the sun starts to set . Have someone come check if you aren 't good at calling it a day . Every time I have hurt myself , this is the rule I was breaking . Eventually I learned to obey it . However , plants are sensitive until their wounds seal over . If you cut a plant the wrong way , it is left wide open for bacterial infection . So always prune to leave a collar - the ring of cells where a branch meets the next larger scaffold . The tree will grow a cover of bark over the cut starting with the collar cells you leave behind . Remove all dead branches . You may have noticed they were dead when the rest of the tree leafed out and they didn 't , or you might notice now because they are light in weight , brittle , or their skin isn 't green beneath the bark . Follow the branch down to living tissue , and cut to leave a living collar . Don 't leave a projecting stump , just the collar . Remove all diseased branches - ones with blistered , discolored or split bark or bark that is oozing sap , or branches where you noted unusually weird leaves over the summer . Disinfect the cutting blade with bleach or rubbing alcohol after each cut on diseased wood . Remove all damaged , broken branches as above . Our neighbors have a huge poplar that sometimes randomly drops branches . They can fall quite a distance and often break the limbs of our trees . So we do a lot of this one . Look for branches that rub against each other . One of the two must be removed or they will rub each other 's bark right off . Keep the one that is stronger or better positioned . A well positioned branch points outward from the center and is held at about a 45 % angle . A branch rubbed bare by another branch crossing it Now for another decision . Find branches that don 't make sense . Branches that point back in toward the center of the tree , or that hang downward , or point straight up , or are otherwise inharmonious . Remove them to their collars . Some trees make a lot of these , others seem to follow all the rules all on their own . You may have already done enough major pruning . But remember your goal is to allow light and air into the tree . So walk around it and see how much light comes in . Imagine the branches in full leaf . Are branches crowding each other in one area ? Will moist , fungal air be trapped among the leaves , spreading disease ? If so , remove the branch that is least well positioned . Now you can use your hand pruners to cut back water sprouts . These are young growth that points straight up . Usually you get a cluster of them around a severed branch . The tip of the tallest sprout sends a hormone down the branch that encourages lower branches to grow outward and bear fruit instead of competing to go up . So if you remove all the water sprouts , the tree will stop getting that hormone , and new sprouts will form . Ideally you choose 1 / 4 of the sprouts , in the best position , and train them to be future branches . They will replace the dead , diseased , damaged and funny branches you take out in future years . But how to choose ? A well positioned sprout points outward and is strong but flexible . Your goal is that when it makes fruit , their weight will help pull it downward into a 45 degree angle . That 's a strong enough angle not to break under the fruit 's weight , and unlike a totally upright branch , it gets signals telling it to be fruitful . So do your best , take out most of them but leave some . Cut the ones you remove down to the collar , as usual . For the ones you are leaving , cut just the three or four buds on the tip , ending with an outward facing bud . Now look at your more established , horizontal branches . Remove those that have gotten much below the horizontal - those that are hanging down . Apples and gravity , ya know - they go together . Too many fruit on a branch can break it right off . You may see spurs on your trees , recognizable by their many knobby bunches of fruiting buds . Over time , they will grow side twigs with so many buds they make small , feeble fruits . At that point , remove the smaller , thinner twigs leaving only strong thick ones . Add the flour mixture and milk mixture a little bit at a time into the bowl with everything else . Then when that is done put 1 / 2 of the batter in each pan then start the 30 minute timer . Then take the icing and cover the top of both cakes with a thin layer of icing , stick them together cover the sides and you 're done . ( note don 't touch the metal pans with your bare hands ) Since we moved into Several Gardens Farm , the front yard has always been a bit of a question mark for us . It 's gracefully sloping green lawn looked nice until the first time David almost fell of the side while trying to mow . Anyway , we are farmers , not lawn people . We wanted it to grow . But it 's steep and huge , and at first it wasn 't obvious what to do with it . Over time , I had an increasingly strong vision of turning it into a pleasure ground where we would wander around eating fruit of a dozen varieties , while the scent of herbs and nectar providing flowers wafted up to us from the low growing cover at our feet . I wanted so much fruit we willingly shared with all the birds , and so many flowers we could hear the garden buzz when we went outside . Blueberries and other less spreading berries went into one bucket . The raspberries got another . Raspberries need a part of the garden where they can spread without getting in any other plant 's way . Last summer we mulched the whole planting area with several inches of wood chips . They have been grow all through with white mycelia , the underground part of mushrooms and other fungus . Fungi in the soil is supposed to set up good growing conditions for trees and long lived perennials . After the peach and the olives went in , we planted all our big trees . Future big trees - here 's Noah with a quince tree . It 's roots are in a hole , waiting for us to fill in with soil . I am of the school of digging a hole just big enough to spread the roots out a bit . So we brought our hose out and watered everything in . Noah earned his name today . He worked on and on through the pouring rain , until we finally got a few sun breaks near the end . More fungus . I know no one else wants to look at this , but seeing it made me happy . Our mulching worked . Our wood chips are being broken down , slowly and without heat or sudden bursts of nutrients , by the fungus that came with them or was already there . Jubilation ! In all , today we planted : * Note about Black Vandalay cherries . We sampled these at a fruit picking event , and all three of us , without consulting each other , decided they were our favorite . MUST . HAVE . THIS . CHERRY . I 'm personally most excited about the crab apple . It 's a double flowering crab . I 've seen what I think is the same tree in a park in central Washington , in late May , absolutely covered with bees of many species . When I stood back from the tree , I could see them flying in and out like a busy airport . I want this in my yard ! A bit of recent history , to establish the scene . February 2 was a bright , cool , sunny day . I did a bunch of weeding , cleaned the barn and finally , months after the ducks are gone , I cleaned and aired out the massively overbuilt shelter they slept in . Until a few years ago , our neighborhood of Boulevard Park was unincorporated , not part of any city . Old habits die hard , and folks in this neighborhood celebrate most big events with huge firework displays . It started midway through the third quarter and went on for hours . The next morning when I went out to feed them , the hens and Meggie came running . And I heard Lightning 's voice , but couldn 't find her . Until . . . There she was , peeking out of the duck pen . At first I thought she was being shy . Maybe the noise had scared her and she was reluctant to come out . Trying to drag or entice her out seemed like a recipe for her getting injured . There is a second door out into a little fenced enclosure . It 's a bird sized door , about the size of a sheet of paper . But she tried several times to get through it . Sorry , dear , no . At this point I was dearly regretting the massive size and overbuilding of this structure . It was designed as a portable ' chicken tractor ' to be rolled from place to place , so that chickens always have new ground to forage . But like many things , we tried unsuccessfully to combine two incompatible qualities - solidity and portability . The enclosure is raccoon proof . But it is also so heavy , its wheels have buried themselves in the mud and it 's going nowhere . Luckily , there was one more option to try . The back of the pen has a third door , bigger , for cleaning . But it wasn 't raccoon - proof , so we moved the water trough in front of it to block it . I love our water trough . It provides all the water the animals need for 9 months of the year . It stands under the downspout from the barn , capturing water and keeping the ground around the walls from turning to mud . A spout at the bottom lets us water the plants , or just drain it . I opened the spigot at the bottom . Usually I do that , then go do other tasks - sometimes for hours . I didn 't like that plan . Then I took the big pump . It can drain about 2 quarts per pump . But that is still a really lot of pumping . Ultimately I bailed the tank out , bucket by bucket and finally flopped it over on its side . It took a lot of 4 gallon bucket fulls to drain that puppy ! Here she is , stretching her legs . Her body language is not as exuberant as normal . Her ears are down and her tail is tight against her legs . She was about as unhappy as I 've ever seen her . But I didn 't realize until a few minutes later what the big problem was . She had been waiting all night for this . My potty trained goat wouldn 't pee in the coop and she wouldn 't pee on the grass or the soil . It had to be in the wood chips . Once she started it was like she was never going to stop . I didn 't realize how trained she was . Now I have the door closed again . I would like to think that Lightning has learned not to do this , but she 's a bit of a risk taker and I don 't want to go through that process again . Meanwhile , Lightning has already moved on to her next adventure . ( This is an old picture but I had to run after extriacating her ) . Shared on : homestead - barn - hop - 145 , frugal - days - sustainable - ways - 107 Posted by |
OLD FOOL SEEKS NEW LOVE . Fifty - something in search of Real Thing once more before succumbing to resignation . ( I mentioned being a fool , didn 't I ? ) Passion , devotion , romantic illusions , impulsive presents all a possibility . Wife , now otherwise occupied , used to find me reasonably attractive . Judge for yourself : ask and I 'll send photo . Ripe for plucking by young woman of 35 or 40 , can be had by convincing simulation of love , desire , acceptance , tenderness . Reply to Box # … Wilson received one voice - mail telling him he should go buy Playboy and masturbate , one reminding him that marriage is a sacrament of the Lord , one from a dominatrix , one from a woman who said he could sleep over once a month if he would pay for a year 's lease on a one - bedroom apartment , one from a man who told him he should leave younger women alone and go die , one from a woman who said she was only a little over forty and her husband couldn 't get it up anymore and could he ? and then got flustered and hung up without leaving her number . Wilson was sorry he had ever placed the ad . Then he got the seventh voice - mail . " Tell me about the real thing . You said the real thing ' once more . ' You 've been there before ? " My name is Joanna . I got a post office box , just for this , it 's wonderfully clandestine , isn 't it ? Here 's the address … " I can 't tell if it takes more nerve to run a personal ad , or to write this letter . At least before you run the ad you don 't know if anyone will read it . I 'm sending you a picture of myself . It 's two and a half years old . I hope it 's truthful enough . Actually it 's half of a picture of me and my wife ; I cut her off . Is that a terrible thing to admit ? You didn 't ask , but I should tell you that she has taken up with another woman . My wife and I thought we had the real thing , years ago , but let 's leave her out of this for now . Are you married ? You haven 't said , as I 'm sure I don 't need to remind you . Maybe that 's why you got a post office box , or maybe you 're just cautious . I 'm not a stalker , but how would you know ? Anyway , the real thing . I 've been there , but it didn 't last . Can we all say that ? Maybe not . Better to have loved and lost , and so forth . I have . That still doesn 't answer the question . But one thing I 'm sure of is , the real thing is where hope comes from . I still have some . Maybe because it , the thing , desire , beauty , is a mystery and can 't be explained . I hope this gives you a good enough reason for renting a post office box . I took a lot of pleasure in hearing your voice in that voice - mail . You didn 't tell me your last name . I 'll have to gamble that with just Joanna and the box number this will reach you . Wilson " I don 't want to hear any more about your wife . I didn 't ask about her . She 's your problem . This is separate from all that . And you haven 't really told me about the real thing yet , have you ? " My name is Joanna Spark . S - P - A - R - K . Just like you 'd think . I 'm thirty - nine years old . With rapidly beating heart he dialed the number ; it rang four times and then an answering machine came on the line . " Hello , " it said . " This is Joanna . You know what to do . " Wilson began to clear his suddenly constricted throat and realized he didn 't know what to do at all , so he hung up . He looked her up in the phone book and found no listing in that name . But the number was in the same area code as his own ; that narrowed it down to a million people or so . Wilson : I thought you were going to call . But maybe it 's better this way . As long as you are just some words in a post office box , it 's easier . I don 't want to write like this to someone , but only to no one . You would have us meet much too soon . I know your whole fantasy , from meeting at the bar of a fancy restaurant until we go to your house or mine , and then so forth and so on . But possibly one look and your first thought would be , How do I get out of this ? You 're an adult , you know that could happen , though you won 't admit it . I know you probably have caller ID , and when I leave a voice - mail I take that into account . The answering machine is not on my home phone , the P . O . box is not in my neighborhood , and anyway the name on it is not mine . I will not lie to you , but I will not tell you everything . You won 't find me unless I want you to . Instead let me tell you about where I live , as much of the time as possible , omitting which zip code it is in . I don 't mean my house , though I own one , I mean my piece of land . My woods are not old growth , but if you came there you would not say to yourself that the farmer left just yesterday . You can 't drive in very far , not that I would . The trees are tall , it smells of leaves and bark , there are so many layers of old leaves underfoot they are like baklava . There are some old stone walls , mostly fallen now , or more interesting , cairns of stones that I always think must have marked something that mattered , but I 'll never know what . A bygone civilization . Or clearing a garden , or burying a pet . Or a memory . Or a stillborn child . I suppose one does not mark the shallow graves of the murdered , unless one 's goal is to get caught , certainly a possibility . Not that people seek punishment for itself but there is something in human beings that will take the most perverse route in the dim hope of being forgiven and known . I will not run out of things to do on this piece of land . Keeping my trails open and making new ones would last the rest of my life , and I have much moreThis will interest you : in the summertime , after a night of rain , I know that I will get soaked by wet leaves trailing on me from all sides . So here 's what I do . I get out of my car and take off all my clothes , put them in a knapsack and walk in naked except for my shoes and hat . And when I get to my destination I 'm wet and chilled through , halfway to hypothermia , but my clothes are dry . Then I lie down in the sun and let it warm me and dry me off , and when I 'm dry I put them on . Or maybe I don 't . It depends on whether I already have a sunburn . I like to be naked under the sky . Even the thought that someone might be on my land and see me is part of the enjoyment . But nothing like that has ever happened . The land is mostly fenced and all of the boundary is posted with No Trespassing signs . At times , though , I can 't help thinking there are others here . Once I found a dress . It was not old , had not been lying there for years , but how did it get there ? Taken off in passion , or by violence ? And why never put back on ? I never leave clothes behind me , but what if the wearer of this dress had no choice ? There was no evidence of struggle ; the dress was in good shape , just a little dirty . I had it cleaned , and I keep it in my closet . You can 't throw away a mystery . The top of the dress was unbuttoned all the way down , more than might have been necessary in order to take it off . That made me think of seduction , or a rendezvous planned and carried out knowing what would happen . I 've been naked in my woods but I 've never made love there . Nonetheless I have an imagination . The dress is a bit too small for me . What if it belonged to a twelve - year - old , what if she was abducted , forced to change clothes in this remote spot , hair cut off to make her less recognizable , shoved in the back seat of a car that accelerated the moment the door slammed and kept accelerating , ripping her away from everything you talked about in your ad : tenderness , acceptance , love ? And put rape in their place ? I see that I should dispense with " dear " and other forms of politeness . This letter of yours . I don 't have an explanation for that dress , and why ask me about it , as if I were an expert on the abduction of girl children ? Is that what you think of men ? And if it is , why write to me ? You planted some thoughts I 'd rather not think . I have a daughter , and she 's old enough to make her own mistakes with men . I know what can happen . It is now 3 : 11 a . m . Where I am is the den , between the kitchen and the front door , so any minute now I can either eat and drink , or leave home like my wife . She moved in with her " friend . " This would be a good opportunity to get nasty . I suppose I can say anything to you . But the truth is , I 'd just as soon have someone else be responsible for my wife 's happiness and unhappiness . She 's gone off to find out if a woman can do a better job . Probably can . I don 't care as long as I don 't have to do it . There : is that blunt enough ? I should be resting now , recovering from a bad case of marriage , if only I could sleep worth a damn . Actually , I sleep a little better now that she 's left . I was dreading how the leaving would go down . You might like my yard ( this is not what I had in mind to write when I got out of bed ) . It 's not as big as your woods , but it is on a hillside and the trees are full - grown . I was not planning to end up living deep in the American suburbs , but there are some advantages , including old trees and the fact that your neighbors don 't know what you 're up to and leave you alone . I don 't know if my wife is going to try to get the house or not . I 'll survive if she does , but I like it here . I 'd like it better if - well , you know all that . I meant what I said in that ad about the real thing . Okay , it was ironic when I said convincing simulation . I had to have something to hide behind . When you said in that voice - mail that you couldn 't convincingly simulate anything , the sound of your voice convinced me you meant exactly what you said . But now I don 't know what to believe about you . I 'll bet you didn 't write that part about being naked by accident . See , this is the truth , take it or leave it . I can 't be strategic at 3 a . m . He consulted a lawyer about filing for divorce on grounds of desertion ; the lawyer made it sound somewhat less inviting than spending alternate days at the Registry of Motor Vehicles and the Planning and Zoning Commission . Every day he wondered if he would find a letter from Joanna when he got home from work . Or if he would again find that his wife had removed something valuable from the house in his absence . He knew she had help when the two comfortable chairs in the living room vanished . While she was at it , she could remove anything that looked like a personal letter to him , read it , burn it , send a vicious reply to it in his name , what was stopping her ? Wilson thought about changing the locks , but he wasn 't ready for that level of hostilities . He did seem to be getting his mail . Finally Joanna 's letter came . Maybe you think by asking about happiness you 'll get me to talk about sex . I 'm sure you think sex is happiness . My first thought was that I am really under no obligation to answer you at all . Do you think you 're going to make me tell you my dreams ? My losses , my hopes ? What right do you have ? But honor demands that I try to answer . Turnabout is fair play . That is always true . What I owe you I will give ; and what you owe me , I expect to receive . Of course I think sex is happiness , with the right person . Why shouldn 't I ? I 'm not the Dalai Lama . I 'm a man , I still want it to work with a woman , I still think love is possible , I still think kindness is possible , I think I 'm slowly shriveling up because I never touch anyone , no one ever touches me , I want it again before it 's too late . There - that 's what you get when you take all the irony away . How do you like it ? Kindness ? I know about kindness . You would say you are a kind man , but don 't - I have been with kind men and the secret is they are as deadly as the unkind , worse in a way because their ruthlessness , their violence , is so mannerly and smooth . Kind , sensitive , empathetic men give your soul a Caesarean and out you tumble before you can defend yourself ; they rip you open from guzzle to zatch and for good measure take bites of a few plump , salty internal organs and even then , wiping the blood off their chins , they manage to do it in such a pleasant style that no one at the emergency room believes all that damage could have been caused by them . They even take you there and hold your hand sometimes , while the rip they made from base of throat to pubic mound is sewn up once again , and people look at them damply , because aren 't they good to take such care , when in fact once they get you home and feed you soup for a few weeks and you recover a bit they will bite the stitches with their teeth and rip the ones that won 't bite through out of the half - healed flesh and deliver the inside - you to the frigid outer air again , still half fetus , blood - covered , shrieking , at the mercy of their empathy , to watch you wiggle and plead , and sympathize until it ceases to entertain them . Then it 's over , goodbye . That is kind men for you . Maybe some time I will tell you about my love life , my marriages , my departure from that world . Wilson read this letter three times and decided there was no reason for him to be writing to Joanna , whoever she was . That he would be better off fucking the woman who needed it because her husband couldn 't get it up for her . But of course she hadn 't gotten up the nerve to leave her number . His wife , by now , had taken the big TV from the living room , the stereo , the Cuisinart , the toaster - oven , the good dishes and silver , all the CD 's she liked , her computer , and most of the money in their joint checking account . Wilson opened an account in his name alone and got a free toaster . I 'm sorry . I apologize for my last letter . Honestly , I thought I knew better than to play the victim . There is no such thing as innocence , this far along in life . All that has nothing to do with you and there 's no reason you should have to hear it . I 'm really sorry . I hope you won 't stop writing to me . Wilson reflected that after all , all relationships have their rocky passages , but people do get over them . Maybe it was not such a bad thing to have one before the fact . Get it out of the way . We 've all had bad experiences . I 'm not sure what yours were , but I know they happened , and so have mine . What are you going to do ? You can 't unlive your life , all you can do is keep going and try to do a new thing . I filed for divorce the other day . And I changed the locks on my house because my wife keeps coming over and carting stuff off . She 's already got more than her half . Luckily my daughter is in San Francisco and doesn 't have to watch all this happen . God knows what my wife is telling her . But I hope she won 't take it too literally . Joanna ( who was known to the rest of the world as Shelby ) began watching Wilson in her spare time . She was a real estate agent and spent much of her time driving around in her black Lexus , showing houses or talking to prospective clients or making phone calls . She knew the area Wilson lived in , having sold a home within a mile of his , and if he had known her name and profession he would have been able to find her picture any day on the web page of her Century 21 office . She was a million dollar producer , and the price of houses was only going up . At the end of a day she would drive by and see if his lights were on , or she would hope to catch him arriving , getting out of his car . She knew he drove a dark green Taurus . She knew that she could park at the far corner of his lot , in a spot nearly hidden from his house by the curve of the hill , and walk up along the property line without coming close to his house or his neighbor 's . Once she was at the top of his back yard she could look down on the back of his kitchen and living room . Apparently his story was true . No one came home with him , no one came over except once a Volvo was parked in the driveway and she decided it belonged to his wife . No doubt they were inside having some horrible negotiation . She didn 't stay to see the wife depart . Joanna would have wanted to watch her walk out of the house at the definitive moment of " I 'm leaving , " but the aftermath was of no interest to her . She made a kind of nest out of fallen leaves among some weedy , unpruned mock orange and spirea that was growing along the back of his property . She was accustomed to sitting on the ground for long periods of time , and in the trunk of her car she kept a pair of sneakers , and a navy blue parka which saved her from getting wet and chilled . From the top of Wilson 's lot she could watch him sit at his kitchen table and eat , then push his plate aside and read the papers . Drink wine and pour himself more . Move to the living room and watch a TV that was out of her field of view . He She was disappointed that his daughter was grown and gone ; she would have liked to see if the daughter was able to be in the same room with him . But then it was good that he was alone and unequivocally available , waiting for his life to end or begin . Periodically she imagined walking down the hill and entering from the back yard through the sliding glass doors , as if they already knew each other , joining him on the couch to taste the bland sweet pastry of ordinary life for a few moments . The rest of the time that she watched , she waited for the ordinary to shatter , for something to burst or erupt , as if he might suddenly fall to his knees and roar at the heavens , or tear off his clothes and set them on fire , or pick up something heavy and throw it through the glass doors . Something sufficiently expressive of loss and loneliness and anger , not this stoic facade . She saw that unaided he could not make it happen . Wilson was not an overdog . She knew she would be able to do with him whatever she would decide to do . She would have walked down the hill and straight into the house if she had thought he would know how to respond to her arrival . One night , after watching Wilson leave his kitchen and settle down in the living room , Joanna walked down to her car , turned on her cell phone and called him . She was surprised by her own nervousness as she sat in the dark and listened to his phone ring . Around the next streetlamp she could see a light October rain falling . " Goodnight , " she said , and hung up without waiting for him to reply . In his kitchen , Wilson looked at the phone as if it could explain her call to him . Then he hung it up . " So , " he said to no one . In bed , Wilson could not sleep for asking himself what she wanted , why she was boldly coming to his house if not to then do something bolder still . The prospect made him feel profoundly alive for the first time in years . He tried to remind himself that this was not an assignation , that the two of them had never met , that there was no guarantee he would be the slightest bit attracted to her , but the excitement he felt could not be turned away . He slept only a few hours , but got up and went to work as a man refreshed , beginning a new life . At home , she ate a cracker and some cheese and found she had no appetite . She drank a glass of wine . She couldn 't sit down or watch TV or read the paper . She wrote a note to herself . She walked through every room in her house and saw that it was clean and everything was put away in its place . She turned off the lights as she left each room , except for those that were on timers , which would go off later by themselves . In her bedroom Joanna took off her clothes and examined herself critically in the mirror . She was , in fact , forty - three rather than the thirty - nine she had told Wilson , a futile vanity by which she was embarrassed . She felt her midsection : softening toward what would become sag . But she could still keep it a secret from others , if not from herself . Her breasts getting a little too hammock - shaped , the skin on her elbows chicken - like , her neck visibly straining toward the day , not too far off , when it would be an older woman 's neck . But still a woman , she thought . Which should be enough for him . She dressed in black underwear , wool pants , cashmere sweater , flat shoes . No jewelry except the simplest earrings . She put the note in her pocket . She took care not to make herself look made - up . She opened her mouth at herself in the mirror , widened her eyes , shaped a smile . I know how to give and how to take . Everybody gets what they want . Wilson had cleared away the dinner dishes and cleaned up his kitchen , straightened his living room , and was waiting , asking himself what he was going to say first . He heard Joanna 's footsteps on his front walk and so he was approaching the door when she rang the bell . Opening it , he received under the yellow porch light a confused impression that she was not as tall as he had imagined , her hair shorter , her eyes on him making him feel she saw everything he had been imagining . " Come in , come in . " " How do you do , " she said , holding out her hand . She seemed solemn to him . " Fine . " He took her hand for a moment . Now he saw her more clearly and was awed by her otherness , the unknown stepping into his house . " It 's good to see you finally . " " Yes , and you , " she said with a hint of a smile . She took off her wool coat , he took it from her and hung it up ( " You don 't need to do that , " she murmured ) . When he turned back from putting it in the closet he saw her shape and she felt him look . " Please . " He led the way into the living room ; they sat down on opposite ends of the couch . She put her purse on the floor beside her . A fire , lit for her visit , was burning in the fireplace . " Oh , I 'm protected , " Joanna said . " I have a gun in my purse . " She smiled at him , thinking How stupidly truthful to say that , willing him not to believe her . Wilson thought she was joking , and laughed . He wasn 't badly dressed , she thought . He wasn 't trying to look twenty - two years old . He wasn 't Mr . Potato Head either . She knew he wanted her already . " Should I be scared of you after all ? " she said . Wilson looked back at her and felt something pass between them that justified every moment of anticipation and sent him into the center of himself - as - a - man . He smiled more slowly ; he took his time looking her over . " What is your real name ? " he said . " Of course , " she said . " But you could ask me now . " Wilson reflected that he did not want to know everything , after what he had read . " Is this my last chance ? " he said . " Okay , " Wilson said , his heart pumping harder . " You know what I want . So tell me , please , because I don 't understand . What about you ? " " Isn 't that your job ? To find out what I came for ? I made my move already . Most women wouldn 't , you know . " She turned to face him , drawing her knees up on the couch , the glass of wine in her left hand . " What can I do to help you make up your mind ? " Wilson could feel the beginnings of an erection . Joanna looked down at her wine glass , then back at him ; she opened her mouth slightly but did not speak . He was lost in astonishment and yet it seemed perfectly plain that she was like no woman he had ever met and could do anything she felt like . She stretched her right arm out along the back of the couch , as if getting more comfortable . Her hand was more than halfway to him . He set his wine glass down on the floor and took her hand ; he felt the warmth of her , he pulled her toward him recklessly . " Wait , " she said , and set her wine glass down on the floor , too , next to her purse . Then she leaned toward him and in a moment they were kissing . He was lost in the kiss , in desire that felt ready to explode , in surprised delight . It felt natural , as if they had kissed before but in some other lifetime , so that it was both instantly familiar and yet brand - new . It felt self - evident that he was meant to raise his hand to her breast and caress her through the soft fuzz of her sweater , and she did not move away from his touch . He continued to touch her and kiss her and her kiss felt so without reservation that he unbuttoned her top buttons and slid his fingers in under her silky bra . She pulled back from the kiss and looked down at his hand and said , " Look what you 're doing . " As he was unbuttoning her sweater she laid her hand on his hard penis and squeezed it gently through the material of his pants . As he was taking off her bra she was unbuttoning the top button of his shirt . As he was pulling down her panties she was unbuckling his belt . As he was caressing her breasts she saw that his erection required no further encouragement from her . As he was kneeling in front of her , licking her vagina and her clitoris , she was aware of his bald spot and covered it with her hand because she knew he wouldn 't want her to see it . As she was pushing him down on the couch , on his back , and straddling him , and guiding his penis inside her and coming down on him , he knew he was the luckiest man in the world . As he came she watched him closely and kept moving until she was sure he couldn 't come any more . She bent over him and kissed him and he put up his arms and pulled her down . She let him hold her for a minute or two before she pushed herself up on her elbows so she could look at him . " Is this happiness ? " she said . She nodded but didn 't speak . Then she sat all the way up and pushed her hair back . She turned around and stretched back to get hold of the shoulder strap of her purse with one finger ; she pulled it toward her and picked it up . " What are you doing ? " he said , comfortable and affectionate . Perhaps after making love she needed to look at herself in a little square mirror or put on some lipstick , and this habit of hers would become dear to him . He felt as though they had known each other for weeks . Don 't remember what I said , she thought . She put her left hand into the purse , and without taking the gun out she moved the safety to off and then touched the purse to his middle and pulled the trigger . The bullet tore a hole in his abdomen , passed through his large intestine and tore a larger hole as it exited his back and came to rest in the stuffing of the couch . His body arched convulsively and fell back . His mouth and eyes were open in what looked to her like a parody of surprise . He made a sound , not a loud sound , a squeezed sound ; the tendons stood out in his neck ; he seemed to be trying to lift his head . A loop of gut pushed its way out of the bloody hole in his midsection and draped itself downward toward the floor , covered with blue veins and pulsing , seeming to move on its own volition , as if it were trying to get away . His eyes focused on her for a moment and then rolled up into his head . He squeezed them shut , and though his mouth was gaping open his lips pulled back still more , exposing his gums , as if he were trying to scream . His hands covered his wound as if to hold himself together there . Joanna dropped the gun and the remains of the purse on the floor and took his hands in her own , gripping them hard through the warm slippery blood . She regretted that she had not shot him higher up , in the heart , or somewhere that would have let him die without all this pain , but it had been important to shoot before he knew what she was doing , so that death would come upon him suddenly and unexplained while he was in the midst of his happiness . That was her way of taking care . " Wilson , " she said . " I 'm sorry it hurts so much . Please forgive me . I love you . Can you hear me ? I love you . " Wilson could hear her , but his mind was on other things . She held onto his hands as she felt the life go out of them , and for a while longer after she was sure he had stopped breathing . A smell of blood and shit filled the room . Joanna let go of Wilson 's hands and stood up , unsteadily . She walked into the kitchen , leaving bloody prints with one foot which had stepped into the puddle on the floor , and washed herself at the sink , then dried herself as best she could with paper towels . She wiped the bloody footprints off the linoleum . She washed her wine glass and placed it in the dish drainer . She picked up her clothes , which were mingled with his , and put them on , not turning her back on Wilson , but dressing in front of him because now they were intimate . The blood had not yet dried by the time she was dressed , but no fresh blood was coming . She put on her coat ; then she returned to the living room and looked at his ruined body lying on the couch . It was already hard to believe that his penis , insignificant in death , had recently been so important to him . The gun and the shredded purse were still lying next to him ; she went and retrieved them , asking herself how she could have come so close to leaving them there . In death his face was not as contorted as it had been , but still not entirely comfortable . " I 'm sorry it hurt so much , " she said to him again . " It 's over now , you 're all right now . " With her gloves on , she pushed the button in the doorknob so it would lock behind her as she left . Joanna drove straight to her woods on the dark suburban roads . She stopped at the gate to her land and turned off her headlights , got out and unlocked the padlock that held the chain , drove in , stopped again , and closed and locked the gate . As she stood under the night sky working the key , her eyes became used to what little light there was and she was able to drive without headlights up the usual two - rut track to her parking place among the trees . She got out and stood looking up at the sky through the branches . How beautiful the cold forest air was after the smell of his death . She took off her coat and then her clothes , which she knew were spattered with blood , and threw them in the trunk of her car with the gun . She could deal with them later . She put the sneakers on because she knew it would be hard to walk without them , and she had to keep moving or in her nakedness she would become hypothermic and eventually would be found somewhere , dead in her own woods . That was not the point at all , especially now when she was most alive . The light rain cleansed without chilling , the land and forest silently added their blessing . |
Todd walked at a slow pace through the streets . The city was quiet at this time of night , and he absolutely loved it . Silence had always been his best friend , adn he never needed anyone else . Looking over towards the small shops on the opposite side of the street , he wondered to himself what it would be like to be a simple person shopping around for a bit of food or some nice clothes . He had never known these things , he had never needed to . Everything he had he had simply taken , and thats how it would always be with him . He never had a family , never felt love or generosity , those things were foriegn to him . He continued on , washing his thoughts away with his current goal . He was headed towards the cities best night club , not by choice but by rule . He had a mission , and it needed to be carried out . His dress shirt and slacks weren 't exactly proper attire , but then again his future actions couldn 't even be described with the word proper . Looking up the street , he could see the sign and the girls waiting outside , for some reason this place loved letting the males in , and it wasn 't a gay bar . For some reason , the woman in this town just couldn 't get enough of this place , and he had a hunch as to why . He simply walked past the guard , who didn 't even notice him thanks to the small motivation he placed into a certain group of giddy girls at the front . His abilities amused him , and it wasn 't simply for a distraction , soon a woman pulled a knife on the man and stabbed him repeatedly . He needed a distraction for more than an entrance . Soon everyone was flooding inside , but he didn 't get touched once , people actually formed arounde him as if they were terrified to even touch him . Once he actually reached the bar , it was pretty much clear , except for a couple groups of grad students who were enjoying themselves before they 're finals . He sat down , yawned soflty and began to look around . That girl had to be here somewhere , where else would she hide in a town like this . She had to know he would find her here , or anywhere else for that matter , but this place gave her an environmental advantage . She would easily be able to conceal herself among the masses . So he would have to find her through other means . He looked up above him and around the rest of the establishment , there was a second story dance floor wrapping around the main floor in the center , and a balcony bordered it , so that people could look down on the rest of the crowd . So he rose , maneuvering his way through the crowd , he began to climb the steps . As soon as he was higher than the rest he began looking , not for a person , but for that one aura he saw . For this wasn 't a mission or goal for someone else , but for him and him alone . He was going to find this girl , if it killed him , which he figured it probably would after he found her , or whoever was chasing her along with him . For the girl wasn 't actually the true targer , but simply a means to get to his real target , the man that had killed his wife . The man didn 't know who he was , and he didn 't even realize that Todd had anything to do with the woman that he had raped and murdered in the alley beside they 're house . They man was simply fiending for his fix , and figured that the excitement would carry over until # 1 Breathing coming in sharp gasps , the girl had crawled in through a garbage chute and climbed her way into the club . There was no way she could get through the front door looking like this , not without the bouncer calling the cops . Her platinum blonde locks were tangled and matted with a sick combination of mud and blood , most of it her own . A deep bruise colored her left cheek , marring the flawless pale skin that would normally cover her face . Her bright red eyes were wide with fear and anxiety , and soon her emotions consolidated themselves into one raging emotion . Hunger . The drive for survival made her snatch a girl roughly her size and drag her into a dark corner . Soon after she emerged wearing the soft dress that the girl had been wearing . She had even stolen the jewelry , knowing that if she didn 't blend in , she was going to die . A moment later she managed to find the bathroom , and she spent a hurried minute rinsing her hair out in the sink and patting it dry with paper towels . It was still awful to look at in the flourescent lights of the bathroom , but in the dim spinning lights of the club she would be fine . Maybe it would even look like hair dye . She edged out of the bathroom and looked around rapidly , unable to calm her erratic breathing as her slender arms braced against the wall behind her . Everybody was a suspect , anybody could grab her at any instant . Her main fear was Him . The man who had caught her , her main abuser , the one who showed her off in that awful cage as if she were some sort of toy or entertainment . He had never once said his name , and in turn he had stolen hers . She was just Girl now . Her body trembled and she knew that she had to keep moving . She had to blend in with this crowd and get lost in the confusion . After a few hours it might be safe to make a run for it , but not yet . It had taken months of planning to even escape the cage and flee from the house , and now it was all on the line . He had come home earlier than expected , severely cutting off her time to hide . The crowd was swelling and fluctuating like a giant sea of people , and more than once she found herself shoved into somebody . " Sorry , " she found herself saying , her voice a soft squeak that scarcely beat a whisper . Soon it became too much for her to handle and she ran to the edge of it all again , seeking the solid comfort of having a wall behind her . That was when she saw the stairs off to the side , leading to the second floor . She bolted for them and raced upstairs , then took the time to actually look around . People were everybody , but most didn 't even glance at her . Keeping her hands wrapped around her own body and rubbing her upper arms as if she were freezing , she tried not to think about feeding . He had kept her starved , that girl earlier was the first she had had in nearly a week . She bit her lower lip anxiously and kept her gaze pointed downward , just moving for the sake of moving . She paused her steps for a moment and looked around quickly just to take stock of where she was , and that was when she saw Him . He had found her , and was only a couple of yards away . With a gasp , she turned and ran for her life . She raced around the balcony and down the stairs , but the crowd made it impossible to escape unhindered . Worse , a girl walked right up to her and began to berate her in a very drunken tone about ' daring ' to wear the same dress that her best friend was wearing tonight . Of course , the girl didn 't realize that it was the exact same garment , nor that her friend was actually in a dead crumpled heap in a dark corner . Shaking quite badly now , Girl tore herself away from the snarky drunk and pushed through the center of the crowd , whispering prayers to herself . Todd decided to make his move , he had actually followed her up here , he was only feet away . Before the man could even think of the spoils that came from that sweet prize , he was down , and Todd was done . That was it , no one saw a thing , everyone was still frantic , and he instantly went for her . He grabbed her hand , hoping she would follow him , almost wanting to beg her too , but he couldn 't do that now . They needed to leave . He rushed her down the stairs and out the front door . The police were there now , taking witness 's towards they 're vehicles for questioning , and trying to calm the main mass of people that were suddenly flooding the streets to get home . He pulled her into a side alley and instantly backed up a bit , he didn 't need to get to close to her now . By the looks of it , she probably thought he was there to just kill her off and make it easier for everyone , or even worse she would think he was some kind of pervert who was gonna have his way with her . He didn 't want either of them , and he put his hands up to try and emphasize that point exactly . " Look i 'm horribly sorry for whatever happened to you , and for whatever was about to happen to you . But , I needed to kill that man , and I didn 't want to see what happened to my wife happen to another woman . . . . " He then actually relaxed a bit and caught his breath . He hadn 't had to move that quick in years , but he simply couldn 't contain himself . The rage that rose whenever he saw the malicious intent on that mans face just made him break free . Shit , his ears were still poking out a bit through his hair , they were usually concealed by it , seeing as how they were the same tone . He took another deep breath , and felt his fangs and claws slowly retract , he missed how good it felt for them to tear through his gums and fingertips . He missed the actual " rush " of taking that kill , it felt so good for him to release everything that had been building for the past year . He then suddenly realized she was still standing in front of him , they had actually only been standing th # 3 The tug on her hand was expected , but she still cried out in blind panic as she whirled to face Him . She blinked when she saw it was a different man who had hold of her , but there was no time to think as he pulled her out the door . The sight of cops made her cringe and she whimpered softly in fright , but it appeared that wasn 't their target . Once they stopped in the alley , she backed against the wall and just stared at him . Who was he ? He must be working for Him . Now he would take her back to that awful place and she 'd be locked up and punished until her body couldn 't take anymore . She was so convinced of this that she gave herself a minor anxiety attack and probably would have given herself a heart attack if her heart had still been beating . As it was , she was shaking badly and could hardly focus on anything but his presence . His voice made her flinch , but the expected shouting didn 't come . There was no mockery , no cruel insults , not even the falsely seductive tone that would have told her that he planned to have his way with her before taking her back . She blinked uncertainly and watched him as he apologized , unable to truly process what he was saying until she realized something . He mentioned killing a man . Did he mean . . Him ? Was she actually free ? Could she stop running now and go back to living ? Almost as soon as that thought occurred to her , it was crushed . What was living ? She had forgotten . There were no memories before her capture , and she had no idea how much time had passed . All she knew was that she would be caught again , even if He was dead . There were others - there were always others . She didn 't even dare speak to the man before her now , even as she watched him relax and go back to a state that appeared much more human than before . Her slender fingers clutched and released the hem of her dress repeatedly , a repetitive action that kept her calm enough to not scream bloody murder . She watched him , yet her bright red eyes danced around , never staying in one place for more than a few moments . The shadows could be hiding anything , and they were surrounded by them . It seemed to her as though the alley were a death trap just waiting to be sprung . His apology must be a ploy , a trick to lure her in close and add to her final humiliation . Were others hiding around them , watching ? She shivered and slid her hands around her own body again , like she had before when she was hiding in the club . Even to her own touch , her body felt too thin and battered to properly hold life . How was she even still standing ? The jewelry that she wore felt heavy , weighed down with the guilt of knowing that she had stolen a life that probably didn 't deserve such a fate . Was that why this man had snatched her away ? Not to apologize , but to punish her for killing the girl ? It was all she could think about , her guilt consuming her almost as much as the paralyzing fear that kept her from moving a single inch from where she was now . Todd stopped suddenly at her words . Is he talking about Her , is he talking his His Wife ? There 's no way , he watched the man kill her himself , they had beat him after he tried to protect her , but it couldn 't happen , he was helpless with his body pulverised and in tied up in a corner . They made him watch , it was ridiculous , he couldn 't do a thing and he hated himself for it . Suddenly , he came back to the current situation . She must have been talking about someone else . " Who are you talking about ? I 'm not here for that , but I do have to apologize on why I am here . I needed you , I have to be honest , I used you . I knew you were locked up in that house , and I needed you to escape on your own , so he would believe there was no one else involved , cuz I knew he was leave that damn house to chase after you . He only had three or four people there with him , so he wouldn 't tell his protection to just up and leave . So yeah , I do need to apologize on why i 'm here . But , i 'll make it up to you , help you get used to this type of life , a free life . And i 'll protect you from anyone else who wants to get back at the person who cut off there pay check . " He was serious about his words , he felt horrible for leaving this girl there in that house , knowing what she was going through . He had secretly implanted survielance equipment through - out the house , so he would know when to make his move , how it was going to happen , and what kind of shit he was going to run into on the way . He had watched that house for months , and he had learned every single routine in that house down to a T . This girl was going to need help , and who better to do it then the one that ended her turmoil ? Atleast the situation would break the ice and help her learn to trust someone other than herself . He knew that for months she could only count on herself for hope or for the strength to get through the day , she had only had herself for that long . Now , he wanted to make up for what he had let her go through . But , what if she didn 't want his help , what if she suddenly ran off and never looked back , he would simply have to walk away from the situation . He would have to hope that she would trust him , so that he would be able to give her that help . His response told her a few things , but it confused her more than anything . The first important thing that she grasped was the fact that he had no idea she had killed a girl in the club . Either that , or he was faking ignorance . For now she would assume that he didn 't know because it frightened her less . The next things he said kind of swirled in her confused mind and she had to remain silent to sort them out . He apologized again , which was strange until she processed the fact that he had known what was happening when she was a captive . That thought struck her and she just stared at him . He knew what was going on and did nothing ? It only proved what she already thought about everybody , but somehow it still felt like a fresh wound on an already beaten body . She looked down , understanding a little better now that he had simply used her as a means to destroy Him . So , he was truly dead , but where did that leave her ? That was when the final part of what he said kicked in . She looked back up at him and tilted her head , her expression fading to one of confusion . He wanted to help and protect her ? No , it was a lie , he just wanted to control her . That was all men ever wanted . It wasn 't like she was pretty or seductive , why did they feel the need to toy with her ? She didn 't want to trust him , she didn 't even want to be in this alleyway with him . Yet what options did she have ? Out one side of the alley were dozens of cops , all likely to question her and demand answers . The other side ? Unknown . She hadn 't a single penny to her name and the only clothes she owned were the ones she was wearing . No resume , no formal education that would get her a pretty piece of paper telling that she was qualified for a job , nothing . She didn 't even have a family to run to . All she had was this guy . She didn 't even know his name . " W - Why ? " she finally asked . One word , so many questions . Why had he watched her torture ? Why was he helping her now ? Why had he killed Him ? Why was he offering to help her when he owed her nothing ? Why didn 't he just kill her or sell her to the highest bidder as anybody else would have done ? Suddenly a pair of cops passed the entrance to the alleyway and paused , talking to each other about the chaos in the club . Neither one looked to see that there were people within hearing distance of them . Girl couldn 't help but look at them , but her sight wasn 't what affected her most . She could hear the rush of blood in their veins , the soft thuds of their hearts calling out to her like the sweetest song . From here , she could even smell the unbandaged cut that one had on his hand . She shuddered and tore her eyes away from them , her breathing stuttering as she tried to focus on anything else besides the intense desire to attack . If she moved , this guy would punish her . That was her only thought , the only thing that kept her from lashing out . He was the same as Him , that 's all there was to it . It was impossible and stupid to think otherwise . Todd 's abilities sometimes amazed him , right now at that very moment he could basically read her thoughts , through the aura she was emitting . It was dripping with fear and flooded over with paranoia . The girl was basically in shock , and her more basic instincts were kicking in , and they were telling her to get away , somewhere far away . So , he did the most rational thing he thought he could do . He pulled out a pen and a business card and wrote his address and cell number on the back . He didn 't try to come off to bossy , or demanding . He made it more of a suggestion , so that she knew that she had a choice to just walk away and do things as she saw fit . He then tipped his head and offered her a few dollars . " You 'll need bus fair and some money for a hotel , i 'm sure you can find one in the directory pages of a phone book somewhere around here . There should be a phone booth on one of these corners . Go clean up and relaxe , let yourself calm down so you can think rationally . And , if you decide you will take my help , give me a call and I can come get you . . . " He took a slight pause to look around and make sure things were starting to calm down . " It should be pretty safe to leave now , i 'm going to go , you just be safe . I know he was working for someone and they will probably still want they 're ' money ' . So just try and be safe about it , find a hotel thats out of town not anywhere near downtown , this is just one of the clubs he owns , and he has more in town so it won 't be safe . " He said this kinda quickly , as if he needed to leave . After he told her this , he put the money in her hand and headed out of the alley . He had made plenty of money out of the lfie insurance claim him and his wife had gotten on the day of her marriage . So he didn 't have to worry about anything when it came to helpin someone out , or not having to work for the rest of his life , but that was besides the point , he didn 't care for the money . He walked to his car , unlocked and started it before he even opened the door . After pulling out of the parking lot , he drove past the alley once to see if she was still there . But the police had a car parked there now , and he didn 't see her standing with any of them , so he figured she must have already left , or was just leaving around the block . Either way , he hoped she would call sometime soon , he still wanted to draw out a few more people , and if she was with him . They would come for him . He pulled around the block , speeding through an alley to get home . The only thing he wanted to do now was get a little bit below the radar and listen for any news . He had a few radio 's set up around his house to monitor the police feed . If anything happened with a kidnapping or anything he would hear about it , but there was a good chance that if she got taken , he would never even know . He just hoped that a few of the friends he contacted were still around the area , maybe they had seen her passing by . He pulled out his phone , and began going through his contacts . He would know if anyone had seen her by the time he got home . Suddenly she found herself with cash and a business card pressed into her hand , and the guy was gone . She had been so distracted by the thought of feeding that she scarcely even remembered what he said , but it didn 't matter . The business card told her everything that she really needed to know , including his name . Todd . It was a harmless seeming name , and she found herself looking down the alley after him . He was already gone , and the cops at the other end were beginning to realize that somebody might be down here . So , she stuck everything in a hidden pocket of the dress and took off , desperate to not be found . Around the corner , at the back of the club , she found a payphone . Faintly recalling what he had said , she pulled out the phonebook and flipped through until she found a list of hotels . All she needed was something cheap , and her eyes scanned the names until she found one . It was located uptown , but in a neighborhood that was never popular . Chances were it 'd be cheap and fairly empty . With a plan in mind , she darted down a different alley and emerged on the street . People seemed to be everywhere even though it was quiet considering the hour . Immediately she felt anxious , but she knew that she should take a bus or she 'd be walking for quite a while . Biting her lower lip to try and control herself , she edged over to a bus stop and watched the bus approaching . Without a word , she boarded and stuck a dollar in the little box , then slid into an empty seat . One guy at the back of the bus kept looking at her , and she felt as if she were being destroyed inside just by those looks . Finally she couldn 't take it anymore and got off the bus early , walking the last blocks until she reached the hotel . She had been right . It was cheap , definitely not five stars . Without even providing a name , she was given a room key . All she had paid for was an hour , just enough to get herself together . Once she was inside , she glanced around . An old television on a sagging entertainment center , a questionable looking bed , and a tiny bathroom . It might as well have been paradise after the hell she had gone through . She locked the door and padlock , then closed the curtains and went into the bathroom , locking that door as well . Carefully she undressed , going to great lengths to ensure that she didn 't get anything like dirt or blood on the clothes . They were all she had , so she 'd have to wear them again . She turned on the shower and let it run for a few minutes to warm up , then stepped in . It was heaven . For several minutes she simply stood there , letting the scalding water wash over her . The feeling made her aware of the injuries she still carried , but she didn 't care . This was bliss . How long had it been since she could wash away the disgusting mess ? Too long to remember . Finally she snapped out of it and scrubbed her hair with the mini shampoo bottle provided , mildly surprised that this place even provided that luxury . The water in the bottom of the tub turned a nasty , murky brown for a while . Finally she rinsed the suds away and began scrubbing the rest of her body . She used an entire bar of soap until it was gone , and still she felt filthy . At least she appeared clean , though . The water was turning cold , so she shut it off and stepped out , drying herself quickly . She combed through her hair with her fingers , letting it air dry . It curled naturally but that couldn 't be helped for now . Once she had slipped back into the stolen clothes , she left the room and the motel behind . She kept thinking about the guy from earlier , and how he had been kind to her . He probably had motives , but it had still been the first show of generosity that she had in months . She wandered the streets aimlessly until she finally pulled out his business card . Maybe she should find him . . No , that was stupid , he 'd just use her somehow . He already admitted to using her once , didn 't he ? Frowning , she crumpled up the card and threw it in a trash can , then kept walking . Maybe she should just leave town and find someplace new . That idea wasn 't half bad , she decided . Maybe she could fend for herself . After a few blocks , she noticed a car seemed to be following her . When she turned to look , it would always pass or turn , but then it seemed to appear again almost instantly . She wasn 't sure if she was being paranoid or not , but the third time that it happened , she was trembling . Ducking down an alley and cutting across to a different street , she turned her steps to lead her back downtown . More people meant she could blend in easier , she decided . The car appeared again , this time slowing and parking a few yards behind her . She glanced over her shoulder and saw two men step out , dressed in suits and both looking at her . Without further thought , she bolted and turned down a different alleyway . She cut through an abandoned office building , racing up the stairs until she reached the roof . Now she was starting to wish that she had called Todd instead of trying to survive on her own , but there was no time for that . She ducked down behind a tarp and waited , simply listening for footsteps . Todd reached his building , he was walking along towards towards the top of the parking garage , he came here to think all the time , he needed to plan his next move . His bright silver hair was blowing in the wind , and he could feel the calming sensation of the strands scraping against his forehead softly . Suddenly he heard alot of commotion , he looked over , and saw the same exact girl running across a roof . Then she suddenly hunched down behind a big tarp , and two well dressed men scurried onto the roof after her . Suddenly they both stopped , spoke for a moment , and split up , the one on the left would reach her first , and the one on the right would try and catch her when she ran . It was a ridiculous ploy , but against such a scared girl , it was bound to succeed . He hurried and ran to the edge , he saw there was only around fifteen feet inbetween him and the next building . He backed up a few feet and leaped . It seemed as if it took no effort , and he landed as elegantly as he had jumped . Hurried across , he could see there was only two more buildings between him and the girl , so he woud have to be quick . He quickly closed the gap to the next building , and he didn 't lose stride . Without losing a beat he cleared the next building easily and landed not fifteen feet from one of the men , and he had no idea of his presence . Todd quickly moved in , quickly taking out the mans spine . A simple grab and twist was all that it needed , but in just the right spot , and the man was a crumpled heap of flesh and bone . He then rushed to the girl , if he could get between him and the girl before he knew he was even there , he would have a huge advantage . He quickly moved to her side and hushed her , he looked out over and strode around to her other side , as soon as the man turned the corner and saw her . Todd had already grabbed ahold of him , and quickliy dispatched the man over the side of the roof . He couldn 't scream as he fell either , Todd had crushed his windpipe as he threw the man , so that no one would hear anything , except for the blood curdling smack at the bottom . He sighed softly , taking a deep breathe to calm his nerve , he turned to find the girl , she was still in the exact spot that she had hidden . He had figured as much , the scene that happened seconds before was quicker than the blink of an eye . The man was gone within a matter of milli - seconds . Ofcourse Todd was used to this type of speed , he had used it many times to save his own life , and the lives of his team back in his glory days . But , ofcourse the girl wasn 't used to such speed and ability , she seemed a bit shocked , but maybe that was simply because of what had just transpired , the fact that people were still after her . " So are you ready to take up my offer now ? If I hadn 't lived down the street , then I wouldn 't have been able to save you as I just did , and you would be at the mercy of someone much worse than the man that had kept you locked up . . . . " He follwed these words with a slight pause , trying to let her get a chance to catch her breathe and truly grasp the concept of what he just said . There was a whole company of men who were pretty upset about the death of that man , the police were even talking about it over they 're private channels . He was hoping she would accept his offer , because if she didn 't he would have to follow her around and dispatch the men one by one as they came for her , and if he could atleast get a little information from her , anything . He might be able to take them out in one fowl swoop . Which he hoped to do , he would have to get ahold of a few more friends ofcourse , which he would probably do anyway . But , that was the least of his worries , he still had to hope that she would take his protection . He didn 't even remember to mention that she would have a whole loft to herself , the building he owned had 9 full studio apartments within it , and the top three were his . He smirked softly to himself , thinking about how long it had been since she had probably even had a bed of her own . It took a few moments , but she did eventually hear footsteps getting closer to where she was . She closed her eyes for a moment and tried to come up with a plan . There were two of them and only one of her , but she was a vampire . That should give her an advantage , right ? But what if they weren 't human ? She had no idea if they were or not , and chances were that if they were chasing her , they already knew exactly who and what she was . So a flat - out attack was out of the question . The only option she had was to run . Nodding to herself , she opened her eyes and heard the steps approaching on the left side . Peeking around that side hesitantly to be certain she was hearing correctly , she blinked several times upon seeing a man laying on the ground as if dead . Confused beyond belief , she turned back around and almost cried out when there was a figure right in front of her . At the last moment she caught herself , realizing it was Todd . How had he found her again ? Did he kill that man ? As he vanished from her sight again , she stood up and watched him hurl the other man over the side of the building . The lack of a scream surprised her , but the thud seemed to echo . She flinched and peeked over the edge , unable to help herself . All she wanted was to see for herself that he was dead , but there was no mistaking what that growing bloodstain on the concrete was . Amazed , she turned and faced Todd , listening as he started speaking to her . His offer was apparently still valid , and now she could think of no reason to not take it . " Yes , p - please . . " she stuttered slowly , starting to get a better grasp on speaking in normal tones . Her anxiety and stress had her tensed more than a wound spring , which likely accounted for the nervous stutter . Hopefully that would fade with time , but she didn 't give that much thought . She reached in her pocket and drew out the money that he had given her , what was left over . There was still quite a bit considering how little she had used , and she offered it back to him silently . Not once did her gaze meet his since she kept it slightly looking down out of habit . That was one lesson that had been beaten into her , one of the first . Once he took it ( or refused it ) , she lowered her hand and stepped back slightly , fidgeting again with the hem of her dress . What was going to happen now that she had accepted his offer ? Would he really protect her like he just had , or was that just a show to get her to trust him ? That would really break her heart , she realized . It could just be something to destroy her mentally , what small part of her that still remained functioning after everything else . She tried not to think about it too much , tried to believe that he really meant it . For now , that was impossible , but at least she was trying . Todd smiled softly at her words , the first smile that he could enjoy in a long time . Now that he had met his goal , he could actually do some good for someone to start to atone for what was yet to come . His smile still stood solid as he took the money from her , not because he needed it , but because it would probably make her feel a little better . He turned then , only looking back once to tell her to follow him . He led her back down to the street , not even glancing at the man in the middle of the street as they passed him . From here his building was only a couple blocks down . He looked up a bit , and was quite suprised at how much distance he covered in such a short time . He congratulated himself in his mind and kept on with the walk . He then began to put his attention on her . He could easily tell how scared she was , not once had she met his eyes . Probably trauma or the simple fact of what she had to go through was the cause of that . The other thing was that she always seemed to stay behind him , as if she still didn 't trust him and kept a good keen eye one him at all times . Which was perfectly fine with him , the more relaxed he acted around her , the more she would relaxe around him , over time ofcourse . He didn 't want to have to manipulate her emotions , he wanted her to grow to trust him normally , or she still wouldn 't ever be able to trust anyone else . If she didn 't learn , than she wouldn 't be able to achieve a normal life , and thats why he was there . Or so he hoped . As they entered the building , he led her over towards a service elevator , that acted as the main . He took her up to the eighth floor and stopped . As they exited , they wakled down a small hallway , soft ambient lights kept it at a relaxing level , but still bright enough to see your way . The only door in the hallway was about 20 past the entrance / exit to the elevator , and a nice sized chain door gaurded this flat . It was one of his personal guests flats , but they ofcourse were on vacation as always , they simply used it whenever they were in town . He lifted the lock , pulled a keychain from his pocket , and proceeded to undo the lock . After he did , he placed the keys and lock in his pocket and slid the door to the side , where it swung a bit slowly around before finally settling in the grooves of the rail . He then led her to the room , opened it , and intoduced her to her knew home . The walkway was four feet across and the ceilings were nine feet high . After the walkway , to the left was a kitchen , and to the right a nice inlaid living room . A small step down was the border for this room , and in the corner of the whole area was a small eating area , or dining room as the more suburban race liked to call it . The two bedroom stood across from eachother through a small hallway on the adjacent side of the dining room , or straight across , There was a bathroom in each , and a walk in closet . One room was acustom to a womans preference , and the other to a man , both closets were also stocked with clothes for all occasions . He showed her around , showed her the fridge and pantry were full , and there was also a spending card on the fridge if she needed anything . He had called in advance to make sure everything was ok for her to stay . He then handed her a set of keys for the front door and her flats floor . Along with the padlock and key for it incase she wanted to close the chain door . He then showed her all the windows , which had 2 inch tempered steel bars surrounding them , but could be opened from the inside for fresh air . He then han " Also , there is a panic room and a emergency beacon that will alert my staff instantly if anything was to go wrong , I shall show you where it is , and where the other hidden switches there are around the house . " After saying that , he proceeded to show her the panic room behind the shower in the woman 's bathroom , and the switches that were cleverly hidden in every room . " As you can see , this is my specialty , and I gaurantee you I am very good at what I do . But , im sure you have questions on my intentions , and I promise you I will be 100 % honest with you and answer every question to the best of my ability . I need you to trust me , and you will know why if you only ask . I don 't know if you 'll agree with what I have to say , but I promise again that you will not be harmed anymore in any way . I swear my life on it . . . . " His demeanor suddenly got a bit more serious , his aura darkened a bit at the thought of those men hurting someone else , someone that he was beginning to care about . Not based on phsyical appearance or emotional attachment , but out of sympathy and pity for this girl , who was as beautiful as she was , and she was never able to experience the life that she deserved . At that very moment , he promised himself that he would do anything in his power to make sure she lived that life , whatever it took . She was glad that he took the money back , not wanting to seem greedy or ungrateful by keeping it when she no longer needed it . In the back of her mind , she still feared punishment for everything , but that didn 't seem to be his motivation . She nodded slightly and followed him back down the stairs that she had fled up to get to the roof , and she realized it seemed farther on the way back down . Had she really been so panicked that she didn 't notice the distance ? Evidently . Once they reached the street , she trailed after Todd , her eyes everywhere at once . She saw the people arguing across the street about something that was broken , watching them for a few moments before her gaze darted to the car approaching down the street . A mere second later she was taking in the clouds over head , the broken window closest to her , the sounds of a child laughing in a nearby building . Every so often she did watch Todd , to make sure that she was still following him and that he wasn 't doing anything strange . She didn 't dare to get very close to him , but she was close enough that it would be obvious she was with him . It was like a war in her mind - she didn 't want to get within hitting distance , but she didn 't dare to get so far away that she would lose him . The building that they turned into seemed to blend in with the others , at least that 's what she decided in the split second that she examined it before stepping inside . She looked all around as she followed Todd over to an elevator . Hesitating only a second , she stepped inside and backed into a corner , watching him out of the corner of her eye anxiously as the elevator rose . Small spaces made her nervous , but she was more concerned about being forced so close to him . He made no advance , however , and soon he stepped out the door . She blinked a few times in confused surprise and continued to follow him , this time down a hallway . The lighting was nice , and she could only see one door . Was that normal ? She didn 't think so , but she voiced no opinions as she paused and watched him unlocking the door . Her gaze followed the door with interest as it slid to the side , locking on the device for longer than she usually watched something . It fascinated her , and she moved slowly past it as he walked inside . She looked all around the flat as he gave her a tour , her eyes wide as she noticed how nice it was . Everything seemed shiny and new , and the beds actually looked soft . The only bars were on the windows , and there were no cages . Some of the floors even had carpets , soft ones that made her just want to lay on them and take a nap . She was stunned by the amount of food , but perhaps that was just because she was unused to eating now . Everything was too beautiful to describe , and the shocked girl would have been speechless even if she had been feeling chatty . It wasn 't until he handed her a set of keys that she realized this place was meant to be hers . Nobody else lived here ? She took the card with the code on it as well , looking down at it curiously before trailing after him to peek in the panic room . The amount of security in this one flat was amazing , but she still couldn 't get over the fact that he was just handing it to her . What was the catch ? Was she his toy now ? She didn 't dare to ask , even when he gave her the opportunity to ask anything that she wanted . All he said he wanted was trust , and to protect her . Was he serious ? She wanted to believe him , she really did . For a few moments she was still silent , wondering if she really did want to know why her trust was so important to him . " I don 't . . understand . . " she finally said , uncertain about everything . " I c - can 't pay you , " she added , though she figured that was probably obvious since he had given her money earlier . Was this the part where she found out the price of living in such luxury ? She looked down at the keys in her hand , her eyes filling with confused tears as she just tried to take it all in . He took her words in just fine , he expected the curiosity , but when he saw the tears all he wanted to do was comfort her . But , he remember that he needed to keep his composure , this girl would probably freak out and attack him at the slightest hint of contact . So , he decided to calmly explain to her his true intent . " You see , this whole entire place is my business . I keep this place tidy , with all the food , and top notch security so that people who are being chased will have a place to stay , and not have to worry about any of the every day life threat that we all face at some point in time . Whatever that threat is , people come to me for protection from it . And i 'm going to be perfectly honest with you , I feel I owe you this at the least , for what you had to go through . You had no idea that I could of taken you out of that place no problem , but I needed him to come after you . They would have sent an army of there men if someone would have just snatched you up and out of there as quick as I would have . I needed you to do that on your own . And for that I couldn 't apologize more , but that just proves how strong you still are , you didn 't give up on life and turn into a slave , you fought . And that tells me that you can still live a normal life , and my wife would have wanted it for you just as much as I do . This was all for her , and I still have to live my life by the values and morals that she taught me . So please , trust my words when I say you can walk out that door right now if you wish , or whenever you believe your ready to go out on your own , and I know there is no more harm that would come to you . . . " His words couldn 't of held more emotion and demand of himself . He spilled everything to this girl , and he didn 't even know her name . The only other person he had ever talked to like that in his life had been his darling wife . The only thing that was keeping him going right now was this girl , she wsa giving him meaning and purpose , and someone he felt at peace when he knew she was safe . Perhaps this was some way of c " Just remember , this is all you . You call the shots in the end , your my client , volunteered ofcourse , without any type of payment . You owe me nothing out of this , that 's one thing I want you to understand . Not even when all of this is done and over with will I ever approach you with the intent of payment . " He couldn 't contain how bad he wanted her to realize this , this was the one thing he needed her to understand . This was going to help him just as much as it was going to help her . Like he thought earlier , this was going to help him amend for what was to come . The horrible slaughter that was to come . After he finally regained his composure and approached her once more , he asked her if she needed anything at all , and then he showed her a small intercom on the wall . " If you need anything through - out the night , you just hit nine on the intercom and call up to me ok ? I don 't sleep much so i 'll probably be up there keeping myself buisy so i 'm not going insane . " He let out this little bit of information to try and help her relaxe , perhaps if she knew how stressed he was right now , it might make her feel a bit more normal about the whole situation . Fighting back the tears that filled her eyes , she managed to stop them after only three escaped . They traced sparkling lines down her cheeks , but she quickly wiped away the moisture and started paying attention to what he was saying . She looked up at him , focusing on his chest area since she still didn 't dare meet his gaze . As he explained his business and went on to explain how she had to break free on her own , she realized something . She understood . True , she wasn 't happy about having to suffer and figure things out on her own . . But she understood his reasoning for it . It was the first time that she could really say that she had full understanding of something , for as long as she could even remember . She said nothing as he spoke of his wife , but it was obvious that he missed her very much . The woman must have been very special , to inspire him to live his life this way . His offer for her to leave was unexpected but appreciated , though she didn 't know how to voice that . " I . . " she began , pausing uncertainly as he got a drink of water . How did she phrase what she wanted to say ? It seemed so hard , just to carry on a conversation . She kept her silence when he spoke once more , her eyes widening slightly as he said he wanted no payment . None ? No money , no favors , no ownership ? He didn 't even ask for her to visit him in bed every night or show herself off to him . There were no demands for anything . . at all ? " T - Thank you . . " she whispered , her stunned voice barely making a sound as she tried to truly grasp what he was saying . He was helping her for free . She flinched slightly when he approached her again , but she didn 't move away . He kept his distance , which she was inwardly thankful for . It was yet another surprise when he told her how she could contact him , and she found herself getting anxious at the thought of him leaving . She had never had so much space to herself before , what if somebody came in ? Wait , nobody could . It was odd , but she was actually starting to feel . . safe ? She felt herself relax a tiny fraction and she blinked , nodding a little as he spoke . It was the most response she had given so far while he was speaking , and it felt good . " I have a question . . " she said quietly , fidgeting again as she tried not to feel completely terrified at speaking up without beaing asked . " Is there . . uh . . only h - human food in the fridge ? " she asked , uncertain how to really phrase her question properly since she wasn 't sure what was considered offensive . She hadn 't taken a really solid look when he was showing her around since the sheer amount of food had stunned her , and she was craving blood badly . Even now she had to focus to not let his heartbeat get the best of her . He instantly noticed her relaxation , and it comforted him greatly . Also , she didn 't suddenly rush past him and down the elevator . He was so grateful for the relaxation though , it sent a small wave of warmth through his body , and he recognized it as true happiness . He was actually enjoying someones company , instead of spying on some goon , and hanging from his every word searching for some hidden meaning or piece of information . He had totally forgotten what it was like to be in the presence of someone that you actually wanted to live , and he suddenly realized how scary the thought of the whole thing was . What he had actually become accustomed to over a a short six months . He let himself relaxe a bit more and suddenly was a bit suprised by her words . He had totally forgotten what species she hailed from . He was a bit taken back with confusion at the current situation but then remembered his cousin , he was of the same type . Being adopted ofcourse , he was the only one in the family who wasn 't from a Neko origin . Todd ofcourse was known as the strongest and most skilled in the family , but ofcourse with his line of work , it was expected of him , he was the gaurdian of the name after all . He flipped out his phone and rose a finger , showing it would only take a few moments . " Yeah its me bud , how you been ? " Todd answered cheerfully , his cousin was a close friend and family memeber . " Well I kinda need a favor , I have a client thats in need of a special order . " He chuckled a bit at his words as his cousin 's smart ass remarks brought a bit of warmth to his demeanor . " Well I really don 't know what she would prefer , you might be able to ask her . . " After Todd said this , he put his hand over the the phone . " Would you like any certain blood type ? It will come warm , and there 's no blood shed involved . I can 't really take you out to get some of your own , I won 't risk something like that . So I apologize , but this is the only option . " , he tried to sound as sympathetic as possible , but he was true to his word . It was way to dangerous to go outside right now , someone is going to notice that those two men didn 't return , and he didn 't want to be anywhere near crowds whenever they decided to start searching . She watched him take out a phone , listening in curious silence as he spoke to somebody else . At first she didn 't know why he was making a call , but then she realized it was because of her question . When he asked her for a blood type , she just blinked . It had been a long time since she even had a choice like that , and she shook her head a little . " Any , " she said simply , trying to ignore the pains of starvation that were starting to come back as she stood there . Other than the girl that she had killed in the club , she hadn 't had anything in her system for so long that she had been dying from it . That was probably His intent , to kill her by cutting off her food supply . Then again , that would destroy his precious little toy , so maybe not . It was all part of being tortured , of Him having that ultimate control over her . Now she had somebody who was answering all of her needs without even questioning her , other than to ask her preference . The difference was startling , but in a good way . Maybe in time she could actually get used to this , but it was going to take a while . She tried not to let her mind wander at that moment , but it started to anyway . Her thoughts traveled back to the last time when somebody cared about her wellbeing like Todd was doing . That had been right before she was captured . All they had been doing was feeding from a couple of thugs that were trying to mug some girl , was that so wrong ? She had never expected them to be surrounded , or for her lover to be staked right in front of her . It had been His intent all along , she had long since discovered . He just wanted her , had been stalking her for who knows how long . She pushed those thoughts away forcefully , refusing to cry again when she was supposed to be ' strong ' . Todd had said that after all , hadn 't he ? That she was strong ? Even if she didn 't believe it , she liked to think it might be true . Todd smiled softly and put the phone back up to his ear , he could see her mind wandering while he ordered six pints , he told his cousin of anything , whatever he thought was the best . After hanging up the phone , he told her he would be up in about five minutes , he was only a couple floors down in his own sweet . He was a part of Todd 's " team " for years . But , now he was retired and enjoying the luxury that his cousin offered him . Brian had been with Todd through - out his whole life , they were simply friends , and the only real family he had left . Everyone else had scattered whenever Todd lost his wife , no one really stayed . Ofcourse the ones he didn 't know , who were only after the money . He kicked them out long ago , and started up his team once more , now Brian helped from home , but never on the field . Todd wandered back over to the fridge to show her the extra chiller behind the first one . It simply slid out from behind it and moved a bit left , then it was easy to pull it to the front . There were two neat racks that the blood would sit , so that it would be able to chill and stay fresh for probably about a month . He told her that there was a formidable supply , he never asked , but some how his cousin was always stocked with the finest that the world had to offer . He went on to tell her that he would sneak a treat for himself every once in a while , but his metabolism and body could pull a sufficient amount of energy from regular human food . After he said that , there was a knock on the door , and he walked over and introduced his cousin to the girl , he had no idea , but he could atleast tell her his name . He did a slight bow of his head and continued back to his room , he was quick about everything , never really liking to leave his room because he never really needed to . He then brought a nice sized styrofoam case over to the kitchen counter , and opened it . After opening it he placed the bags in one at a time and then close the case back up . He hitched it up under his arm and began to walk back towards the door . He turned " So , if you don 't need anything else , I 'll take my leave . But , if you need anything let me know now , or later when you need it . " , he said this in a cheery voice . He felt a bit more comfortable around her , and he let a bit of his warmer side show , hoping that she would see that he was a bit more comforted by the fact that she was staying here , and that he wasn 't excited about anything that she wouldn 't have known about . She trailed after him to the fridge and watched as he pulled out a compartment that she hadn 't noticed before , one that sat back out of sight . It was a nice addition for when one didn 't want to advertise their diet , though she doubted that she would ever have a visitor here other than Todd . She looked up at the knock , flinching instinctively and falling back a step even though she had expected the person to show up . Still , she forced herself to follow Todd , managing a slight nod of greeting . She simply couldn 't make herself say a single word to him . Todd was the only one that she had really talked to other than to scream or beg , and she had no desire to change that . Watching as Todd set the case down and opened it , her gaze followed the blood bags and she managed to relax a little more . She wasn 't going to starve . It was such a huge relief , but she barely showed it . She didn 't really move until he went to leave , which was when she looked toward him again and listened as he described where she could find weapons . Hopefully she wouldn 't need them , but she was thankful that he told her anyway . Suddenly she was alone in this huge space , and she realized that she didn 't know what to do with herself . She didn 't have anybody giving her orders , and nobody was watching her . Even when she looked all around carefully , she didn 't see any cameras or hidden dangers . After several minutes , she edged over to the fridge and pulled out one of the blood bags , unfastening the little cover and taking a drink . Oh god , that was delicious . Taking a deep breath , she forced herself to relax a little and carried the bag around with her as she wandered the flat . This place was truly hers , she might as well get used to what it was like . She sipped at the blood until the bag was about half gone , her shrunken stomach demanding that she stop or else she would be sick . Recapping it , she put it back in the fridge and closed it . Finally she went in to the bedroom designed more with females in mind and pulled back the covers . The bed looked so comfortable that for a few minutes , she didn 't even dare to get in it . Finally she slid out of her shoes and sat on the edge of the mattress . It was so wonderful that she found herself wiggling in under the blankets and laying down on the pillow . Everything was so soft ! So luxurious ! She actually gasped with delight and snuggled deep into the bed . Sure , it might be a trap , and Todd could come in at any second . But for now , she was warm . She felt more safe than she had in an incredibly long time . Her exhausted body simply couldn 't take it anymore , and she passed out into a deep sleep less than five minutes after she had climbed in bed . As Todd left , he felt a small wave of relief wash over him . He could finally relaxe . As he walked he slipped his other hand in his pocket and pulled out his phone to check the time . Not like it mattered , it was simply out of habit . It was almost 5 in the morning , and he could definetely use a nap . As he went to pull the elevator door down , he looked at the chain door and wondered if he should have shut it , then he remembered that he no longer owned the padlock and chuckled softly at himself . He continued to close the door , and pressed the button with his floor number engraved into the old style button . As he listened to the gears , he concentrated on the aura 's through - out the building . Looking for any signs of tension , but everything was quiet , and his mind was put to rest . He yawned softly and stretched as he walked to his room . Then he suddenly noticed that his door was undone and hanging open . Along with the chain door , it was swept to the side , and the lock looked as if it was tangled into a knot , with ease at that . His body instently tensed , and everything was on high alert , but only mentally . He didn 't dare let himself be known to anyone who might be waiting inside . Suddenly his mind was flooded with situations , and he went through each one diligently as he edged towards his room . Why didn 't he sense anyone here whenever he scanned the building ? His sense 's were at they 're peek , which only meant one thing . Someone from his family was here , and he didn 't like that at all . There was horribly bad blood through - out his clan now . Ever since he had his little moment of weakness during the reading of the will . As he made his way through the doorway , he instantly noticed the woman who sat upon his couch . She was softly twirling a bit of wine in a glass , cooing at it as she watched the liquid twirl around the fine imported glass . A small growl emitted from his chest as he approached . His dear aunt Lillith . She had hated him ever since he was a teenager and completed through to his manhood . She resented him for his power , for she knew she would lose to him in a battle of strength and prowess , but he knew she also had her advantages , and she used them deviously . He instantly tried to search her aura for a sign of intent , but found nothing . It was impossible for one family memeber to read anothers aura , but he still tried . Sometimes he could see glimmers of emotion , but nothing more . So he relaxed a bit , no need to be tense in a blind situation . He sighed softly and shook his head , there was no reason for her to be here , but she would stop in like this and normally just annoy the hell out of him . For she was not a true threat , neither of them could kill eachother so there was no reason for a confrontation . He walked to his fridge , and removed his dress coat , which had stayed spotless through out the nights endeavor , amazingly . " So whats the occasion . Something special ? Or just the normal rantings . . . " , he knew she would complain the whole entire time . She would rant about how he was horribly irresponsible , how he should have gotten tand then reached down and grabbed a bottle of red wine , he poured himself a glass and grabbed the tv remote from the counter . He turned on the news , flippe through a few channels and settled on the local news network . Nothing better to do , he needed some kind of distraction from this annoying woman . But , there were no rants , no words , and no complaints . Which confused him , so he turned to her , finally saying something with a bit of seriousness behind it . " Whats wrong . . " He said softly , as if he meant it . Which he did , but his curiosity was getting the best of him , and he still had no idea what her true reasoning was for such a late visit . " They found us . . . . We have to leave . . . There 's no staying this time , and trying to hide . They know exactly where we are . I don 't know how and I don 't know why , but they 've already gotten your uncle . I buried him two weeks ago , and I 've been running ever since . I had no other choice but to come here . I knew that you couldn 't turn you away . I know we haven 't had the best past . But I have to be honest , I feel safer here with you as my nephew , then with some of the other family members . We may have had alot of bad times with eachother , but atleast I know you . For who you really are , you don 't have any secret agenda 's like the rest of us . Your the only honest person in the family , that I can actually trust . . . " She was almost crying as she finished this last statement , and Todd was actually shocked by her words . They were back to reclaim the debt that his family had owed for generations , and this wasn 't the first time . The family was lucky to still be around after the last contact that had with these . . . things . . . He quickly got his aunt into a room in the basement . No one needed to know she was there , except for the security and they 're cousin . After she was settled Todd made a phone call to the rest of his team and put them all on high alert . He knew for a fact no one knew this location , he had forged every piece of paper with a different address , according to the phsyical evidence , this place was abandoned , and it looked just that on the outside . Only a few people knew what this place was , and he made precautions just for this . According to the " things " they thought this residence was in the state of Washington , when they were truly in japan . Todd let the situation was away from his thoughts . He had spent years secretly devising up detours for these thugs to follow before they actually reached him . He had every precaution in place to let him know exactly where they were and and how fast they were moving . He still had a few tricks up his sleeve that he hadn 't really had in the main plans , but he looked at them as secrets . Secrets that would one day save his life , and maybe some others if he was lucky enough . He then let his mind drift back to that girl . She was almost directly beneath him , for he could feel the warmth of her aura underneath him , warming him , calming him . Her aura was amazingly strong , and he could almost see who she truly was underneath all the darkness of her past life . He knew one day he would see that person , and not through her aura , but hopefully with his own eyes . With that thought , he drifted off to sleep , head hung back , remote still in hand . And a soft smile across his face . Several hours after she had passed out , Girl woke up in a tangled heap of blankets and sheets . Her nightmares had gotten so bad that at some point , she had tumbled to the floor . Fortunately - or unfortunately , depending on how you looked at things - the fall hadn 't disturbed her slumber . She had to literally fight her way free of the blankets when she finally did wake up , though , her slender form wiggling out and falling over when she tripped over the pillow . That was something she had always hated . Despite how lovely and graceful vampires were supposed to be , she had always been on the clumsy side . Straightening up with a faint frown at herself , she realized that she had gone to bed in the clothes she stole from the club girl the night before . Her gaze wandered around before settling on the closet . She edged over to it and pulled the door open , stunned all over again at the amount of clothing . Taking her time , she picked out a pair of jeans in her size and a shirt that looked a little big , but it was a pretty shade of purple . Next she hunted down a pair of socks , but didn 't bother with shoes . She had no intentions of leaving this place . Taking the clothes to the bathroom , she shut the door and locked it behind her , the thrill of even being able to lock a door still flowing through her . She was in the shower for at least an hour , scrubbing herself thoroughly and spending a long time just standing there and relaxing the tension out of her muscles with water hot enough to burn . Finally she got out , feeling like she might actually be clean . She felt better , almost as if she were relaxing . It wasn 't something she was used to . Shrugging it off , she tugged on the undergarments she had found , then pulled on the rest of the clothes . The jeans fit like a glove , and the shirt was baggy as expected . It hung off one shoulder , but she didn 't mind that . Her hair refused to cooperate , so she pulled it up in a messy bun of curls and held it there with a hair elastic that she found in the bathroom cupboard . As she left the bathroom , she still found it hard to believe that this whole place was hers for the time being . She wandered over to the fridge and pulled out the blood bag that she had started on last night , uncapping it and sipping at it nervously . Having a steady supply of food was going to take some getting used to , too . She went over to the window and pulled a chair up in front of it , kneeling on the cushion as she watched the traffic go by . The window she had chosen was in the shade , enabling her to remain somewhat relaxed . It wasn 't that the sun burned her like the old myths said , but it did make her really uncomfortable and gave her a rash . Yuck . So , she simply avoided it . 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We are not a church going family , but we do try to go on Christmas Eve . So , last night , Joey got to experience his first church service . We walked to the church just down the street from us . We were unknowingly lucky enough to catch the service where the Sunday School class puts on their Christmas pageant . Joey was quite a handful in the church . He would not just lay down and sleep like normal . He was wide awake and wanting to play . He would lay down on command , but then roll over on his back and try playing . I am trying to keep his legs and tail from hitting the people in front of us . Even with all his playing around , I don 't think anybody but the little boy sitting directly in front of me even knew he was there . When we got to the candle lighting near the end of the service , Joey threw me a curve . Everybody had their candles and the ushers were coming down the aisle lighting the candles at the end of each row , then we light our candle from the person next to us . I didn 't think it would be a good idea to hold a candle with Joey acting up like he was , but he suddenly settled down . I lit my candle , but then we had to stand up to sing Silent Night . I stayed sitting to keep better control , but Joey was finally sitting quietly . I tried standing , and of course Joey thought it was time to get up . He stood there quietly until I whispered " sit " . I knew he couldn 't hear me , but he was watching me say the word and he sat . Could it be ? I decided to take it a step further and whispered to him " down " . He laid down exactly like he was supposed to . Okay , it may not exactly be the Christmas miracle , but I sure thought it was at the time . My family hopes you all get to experience your own Christmas miracles today . Wishing you all happy holidays . I was home with my two sons today when my wife , Cindy called from work and asked if we could come meet her for lunch . The kids got dressed and we grabbed Joey 's coat and went to eat . We picked up Cindy and went to Chili 's . With Joey in an under , down , we enjoyed our lunch and discussed some Christmas plans . Cindy told me when we got back home , to take some nice pictures of Joey in front of the Christmas tree with a Santa hat on . Holy Great Expectations , Batman ! It can 't be done ! We can take pictures of Joey , we might get nice pictures of Joey . We might even get nice pictures of Joey in front of the tree . But there in no way on earth that we are going to get any picture of him in a santa hat , let alone a nice one in front of the tree . Even if I would Photo - Shop the restraints out of the picture , the potential damage to the tree and our house prevents me from even trying this ridiculous stunt . But she was insistant on this , so we tried . And tried . And tried some more . Joey would have nothing to do with that crazy hat . I am not going to spend a lot of time trying to condition him to the hat . OK , Joey , relax . I put away the hat and grabbed some reindeer antlers on a headband . I was able to get him to sit , stay with those on just long enough to back out of the frame while my youngest son Colby was snapping pictures as fast as he could . I am so embarrased . Yes , Joey , you do look ridiculous , but we still had to have the pictures . Before we had come home from lunch with mama , we stopped at a Walmart we hadn 't been to before . We got Joey back into his coat and walked on in . I was surprised when I heard the greeter behind us trying to catch up with us . She was asking about Joey and I explained he was a guide dog puppy . She was asking me about his collar . She wasn 't really making any sense , but was telling me that because they have food in the store , he has to have a special " medical " collar on . After not getting anywhere with her , I asked to speak to the manager . She then " let me off with a warning this time " , but I better have the proper collar next time . I wasn 't able to speak to the store manager while we were there , but I did talk to him on the phone later . He assured me that was NOT the store policy . He knew exactly who it was that gave me the hard time . They have had this same problem with her a few times . They train her in proper procedures , but she has her own ideas about service dogs . Don 't worry Joey , that mean little old lady was just confused , it happens to a lot of us when we get old . Joey had his first experience with a flea market today . The first thing I noticed when we arrived , were the signs saying " NO PETS " . Walking around inside , I learned that dogs that are sitting in baby strollers or handbags must not be pets , because they were everywhere . We always seem to run into people that know all about SEGD or know people with guide dogs , and today was no exception . We met a lady who 's sister was on her 2nd guide dog and another who 's friend tried raising a SEGD puppy . She said her friend just wasn 't physically strong enough to control the dog , and wasn 't emotionally strong enough to handle bringing it back for training . She still wanted a dog , and wanted to help , so she adopted one that didn 't make it thru training , and is also a dedicated puppy hugger . Then , there were the people we meet the most ; the ones wanting to pet Joey and ask all the questions . But today , nobody asked if they could pet him . They just reached out to him without warning . Now Joey has a way of backing up just a little before sitting , and it really helps in this situation . When somebody reaches out to him , I tell him to sit and he backs up just out of their reach , and sits . That gives me a few seconds to allow the petting or explain why they can 't . Joey is nine months old now , so next month is when we will have to stop all petting when he is in his coat . We are starting to break the petting routine now , but still allow it occasionally . There was a little girl there today who obviously needed her nap . She wouldn 't stop crying until I walked up with Joey and asked her if she wanted to pet him . Joey became a therapy dog for a few minutes and loved doing it . I think her mommy and daddy loved it too . I was surprised by a question I was asked a few times today . People came up and asked " Is he a mean dog ? " Duh , see the coat ? Yea , guide dogs are all trained killers . Duh , black labs make pit bulls look like baby bunnies . Joey , I think your size is starting to be intimidating . Yesterday our puppy raiser group met for our holiday social . It was at the home of one of our raisers , Tina . She has two labs of her own , besides the puppy she is raising , and a nice fenced yard . There were about a dozen dogs there running around playing . Most of the time they chose the muddiest part of the yard to do their playing and rolling around . We were trying to keep the dogs from running inside when the door was open , but Tina was saying to just let them go , it was okay . We all had a wonderful time , dogs and raisers alike , and planned our calendar for the next year . We also previewed our group 's new website , which Tina is creating . She was a wonderful host . By the time we were leaving , the golden retriever looked more like a black goldadore , the yellow lab looked like a black lab , and the black labs and goldadores looked like - - well , they still looked like black labs and goldadores . And Tina 's house looked like a dozen dogs had played in the mud and then ran around in the house . Sorry Tina . Joey surprised me today with an act that I want to classify as a sign of how smart he is . I was sitting at the computer and he dropped something in my lap . It was a bow from the Christmas tree . The ornaments and bows he had been taking before were always chewed up under the dining room table . He brought me this bow intact , without a sign of any tooth marks . It was as if he was telling me that he wouldn 't chew up any more , or at least asking me if this is what he was not supposed to chew . There is one command we have been working on that isn 't in the book , but if he learns it well , it could be the next greatest thing for a guide dog to learn . Joey likes to take his blanket out of his kennel and drag it around the house . He is now learning to " put it away " . When I give the command , Joey is to put it back in his kennel . He is actually learning it ! When he does it well enough , I will start using the command for his toys . Just think of the possibilities ! A dog that picks up after itself . What next ? Well , I did see a kitty litter kit that teaches cats to use a toilet . Hmmm , I wonder - - - - - - - - - Remember when I wrote about Joey chewing up a couple ornaments ? Well , he hasn 't learned to leave the tree alone yet . Notice how the bottom half of the tree looks pretty bare ? Not too many bows or plastic candy canes down there anymore . I don 't know how such a big clumsy puppy can be so stealthy and get them when we aren 't looking . But , we did manage to catch him in the act a couple times and apply timely correction . He has now gone two full days without touching any . Another SEGD puppy blog , Rudy 's Life ; http : / / guidedogawareness . blogspot . com / is having a little contest right now to write a dog themed Christmas poem . I have been trying to get into creative mode and come up with something to submit , but not surprisingly , I am a lousy poet . Here are some of the ideas that are kicking around in my head . We thought Joey might enjoy some cooler weather , so we took a short trip to Kissimmee to the Gaylord Palms resort to see their " Ice ! " display . This is a big indoor ice sculpture display kept at about 9 degrees . No , that is not centigrade . That is walk - in freezer cold , Back home in Nebraska or Ontario cold . Cold enough that they warn you NOT to lick the ice . Everything in there but the floor is made of ice . They give you a parka when you walk in , but hat and gloves are your own responsibility . I figured that if Joey showed any sign of being cold , I would just take him outside . We weren 't inside for more than a couple seconds when Joey went totally nuts ! He was jumping up and down like a rabbit , and even squirmed out of his guide dog coat . We were trying to get his coat back on and found out that he did not like the gloves we were wearing . We finally got him calmed down and he was just fine thru the entire exhibit . I made sure I knew exactly where his tongue was at all times . He is extremely fond of ice cubes and here we were , surrounded by millions of pounds of it . I don 't think Joey ever knew it was ice , I wouldn 't let his nose get very close . He didn 't show any signs of being cold while we were in there , but when we walked out into warm air again , he went nuts again . It took longer to calm him down this time . It became pretty clear to us that it wasn 't the cold that bothered him , it was the sudden temperature change . Once we had a normal dog again , we saw Santa Claus was visiting Kissimmee today . Well that saved us another trip to the mall . We were able to get our boy 's yearly photo with the great bearded one . Only this year , we had one extra face in the picture . Joey IS part of the family . He was just great with Santa . The costume didn 't seem to affect him at all , it was just another person that he wanted to have pet him . After a walk out to the car to put away our purchases from the gift shop , and to let Joey " busy " and have a drink , we headed back in for the " Snow " exhibit . This was dNo comments : We are decorating the house for Christmas and Joey has shown a great interest in everything we are doing . There are lots of lights and shiny things , musical things , jingle bell things , smelly candles , six foot soldiers , three foot Santas , oversize nutcrackers , Christmas village , and of course , the irresistible Christmas tree . Now , years ago , we had two dogs that loved Christmas trees . One of them in particular loved confined spaces , and would constantly crawl under the tree . She would forget how big she was when she was ready to get up , and the tree would get knocked over . Joey started trying to crawl under just once , and got stopped . He hasn 't tried again , yet . He does love the ornaments hanging there right in front of his face . I kept him on a leash when I first let him approach the ornaments and he sniffed them , but left them alone . But , just like a bank robber that goes into a bank a few days before he pulls a heist , Joey was just casing the joint . He patiently waited until he was off his leash and we had our backs turned . Next thing we knew , there was a hunk of chewed up plastic laying on the floor near the tree . I don 't know if he pulled it off the tree , or if he happened to knock it off with his tail before chewing it . I put him back on leash and walked him back and forth by the tree and he completely ignored it . Later , we found another chewed up . We need to do some more work on this . Joey had another first today . We had just walked out of the mall after a short shopping trip and I took his coat off to let him " busy " before getting in the car . He sniffed around a little bit , got right up next to a bush and proceeded to lift his leg . Southeast Guide Dogs wants us to discourage male dogs from lifting their leg to pee . I gave him a sharp tug on the leash to move him away from the bush . The leg came down , but nothing else stopped . He took a couple steps , but by the time he caught his balance enough to squat , he was finished . Finished ? Yea , finished all over my flipflop ! I guess I caught him by surpriseNov 20 , 2010 The Old Town HOGS Poker Run was today at the Harley Davidson dealer in Brandon . The dealership and the Harley Owners Group put on a great event to raise money for the " Paws for Patriots " program at Southeastern Guide Dogs . My sons and I took Joey to get some good exposures for him , and to help the public understand what the program is all about . Now I personally was never interested in owning or riding a bike , so they were last thing I was interested in looking at . I wouldn 't have any idea what I was looking at anyway . Shovel head , knuckle head , phillips head , they all look the same to me . I probably learned more about motorcycles from watching the TV show " American Chopper " , than from anything else . And like a lot of people , I only watch that show for the dysfunctional family dynamics . I can admire the craftsmanship of a beautiful custom bike , but I would have a hard time determining what parts are customized and which are stock . I just don 't know enough about them . I would feel a lot more at home at a MOPAR muscle car show . But , I had a great time talking to everybody about guide dog puppies and answering the inevitable questions about " How can you possibly give them up ? " My young sons were looking at the cool stuff at the silent auction , and checking out the Wing House girls . The girls would come over and ask if they could pet Joey , and of course I would say yes . They would bend over in front of me and I would feel my wife slap me in the back of the head , even though she was at work miles away and I wasn 't looking , honest I wasn 't ! My wife , Cindy , is the bike fan of the family . When we win the lottery , she will be looking at Harleys while I am looking at boats or finding a real cherry hemi Cuda or Challenger . She was heartbroken when she had to work today instead of coming out here . I got to meet some puppy raisers from the St . Pete group , but the puppy I really wanted to meet wasn 't there . I wanted to meet meet a black lab named Elvis . Joey and Elvis have the same sponsor and I was hopingNov 14 , 2010 Had another campout with the Cub Scouts this weekend . This time we went to a wilderness park about an hour away from home . Joey should have had some good exposure to deer while we were walking around , but he was too interested in the sticks and acorns we were walking over . He never looked up long enough to see the deer we encountered . By the time I could get his head up , the deer would be gone . He did get to see some armadillos . He would see them before they could see him . As soon as Joey would change position to get a better look , the little armored gophers would spot him and turn away into the trees . This time , Joey got to experience a camping tradition he didn 't get at the previous campout ; campfires . Last time , he was in the tent with mommy while most of the kids and parents were sitting around the fire . This time , I was still nursing the last days of a bad cold and stayed close to my tent and my own little fire while everybody else was at a big central campfire . Joey loved sitting at my feet and at times was fascinated by the fire . We stayed close enough to the fire to keep the skeeters away from us , but far enough to keep Joey from sticking his nose on the metal fire ring , or waving his tail over it when turning around . Joey accompanied me on a little excursion to pursue a hobby I have not spent much time on since getting a puppy ; geocaching . This is like a high - tech easter egg hunt . We use GPS coordinates to find small caches hidden by other people . These are usually ammo cans or other waterproof containers with small toys and stuff . If you see something in there that you ( or your kids ) may want , you take it and leave something else in it 's place . No matter what else may be in the cache , there is always a log book to sign with your distinct username and date you found it . I was hoping that Joey 's hunting dog heritage and keen nose may help me find them . He didn 't get to help me too much . One cache was in a big pile of dead timber that I had to climb around in after tying him to a tree . Another one we just couldn 't find . It was too well hidden I guess . Joey 's fascination for sticks , leaves , and acorns overpowered his search for human scent on a tupperware container hidden in the woods . Or , maybe I am just not capable of recognizing his reaction when he does get the proper scent . I guess I will forget about trying to use him as a tool , and just stick with having him as a companion out on a nice hike . On one of our walks a while back , Joey and I went down a small dead - end road that I had never been down before . Near the end of the road , a group of peacocks crossed the road in front of us and congregated in the front yard of a house . Yesterday , we found ourselves going down that road again and the peacocks were still there in the same yard . Joey 's hunting dog heritage was prominent , as he watched them intently , but never broke stride on our walk . A small tug on the leash easily got him turned back to the front , but only for a couple seconds . He liked watching them . As we walked , I started wondering if a flock of peacocks had a distinct name , like a gaggle of geese , covey of quail , or bevy of swan . At home , I went on - line to do a little research . I found a group of peafowl , ( peacocks are male , peahens are female ) is called a " Party " . It can also be called a muster , pride , or an ostentation . I always ask Joey if he wants to go for a walk and ask him where he wants to go . This morning we went back to see the party of peafowl . Yep , there they were , in the same yard as always . Across the street , a man was working in his driveway . I stopped and asked him if the peacocks were pets , or a wild flock that just seemed to have adopted that yard . He told me that several years ago , the old Ukranian " Dr . Doolittle " that lived there , fed a couple that somehow wandered into the area . Nobody knew where they came from , but they never left . The guy I was talking to said he had seen us walk down his road before and asked me if Joey was a guide dog puppy . Joey was not in his coat , so the question took me by surprise . He said he thought so by the way Joey walked that specific distance ahead of me on a slack leash . Then , when we were talking , he could see that Joey was still a puppy , and not old enough to have been career changed . He also noticed how well behaved Joey was and that I put him in a sit when the guy asked to pet him . I asked him if he had raised a guide dog puppy before . He told me his daughter and son - in - law haNov 1 , 2010 I have been spending a lot of time recently out in the back yard , trimming trees , pulling weeds , etc . Joey is enjoying this cooler weather outdoors . I made a mistake when I picked up a stick and chucked it toward a garbage can I was using for yard waste . Next thing I knew , that same stick was laying by my feet again and Joey was shaking with excitement . I picked it up and threw it again and he took off after it . He ran about halfway to it , then started hopping like a kangaroo . I threw it a couple more times and he did the same thing , running halfway , then did the kangaroo hop . He was having too much fun with that stick , so I went inside to get a kong toy . He ran after the kong , but didn 't do the roo hop . I tried holding on to the kong and threw the stick again , and the roo hopping came back . Threw the kong - - he just ran . Threw the stick , Do the Roo ! I figure that he only did the kangaroo hop with the stick , because it didn 't bounce around after it landed . The kong was still bouncing around different directions when he was running after it . I guess the roo hop makes it too hard to concentrate on where it is going . I don 't want him to get too fixated on the stick , so I only throw the kong now . I know there will be plenty of sticks around if I want to see him Do the Roo again . No comments : Oct 23We had a wonderful puppy raiser meeting today at the SEGD campus . We met some graduates and the special people at the other end of their harnesses . The people shared their stories with us and answered our questions about how they work with their dogs . This meeting was particularly special for our family because one of those persons holding the harness of one of the graduates was Joey 's sponsor . We got to spend some time with Jimmy and Stefanie , and their vizsla , Rusty . It was weird to see that Joey is now a little taller , and outweighs Rusty by several pounds . Although we didn 't work our puppies at all at this meeting , they got some very important experience with " under , down " . They stayed under the tables for three hours , a fantastic accomplishment for all , considering their very young age . OK , so the collie was a little vocal for the first part of the meeting , but she quieted down very nicely after a while . The discussions were very interesting and informative , but there were a few people anxiously watching the clock , wanting it to be over . Who could blame them ? They were picking up their new puppies as soon as the meeting was over . We now have two more goldadores in our group , one black , and one gold . The rest of the group will be anxiously awaiting the next meeting to meet the little cuties . Meanwhile , back at home , Joey is still growing larger by the hour . We see him growing several different ways . He lays on the floor in front of the couch . When he stretches or rolls over , the couch gets pushed back against the wall . I found one of the small nylabones we got him the first day . I gave to him yesterday and in a few seconds , he bit it in half . When he is getting a drink , it sounds like we now have a horse in the house . He walks away from his dish leaving a big enough water trail to float a canoe across the kitchen . OK , I admit , THAT one is a slight exaggeration . But the others aren 't . At the SEGD open house last month , one of the trainers commented that Joey had " quite the off - road package " Oct 10 , 2010 Joey had a very exiting weekend . Our son had a Cub Scout picnic Saturday , so some of the scouting families took the opportunity to do some camping at the park . I took Joey to the park Friday morning to get the campsite set up . He did not enjoy being tied to a tree while I attempted to set up our giant tent by myself . Our boys were in school and couldn 't help me . Joey was very eager to help . He kept jumping back and forth at the end of his rope , trying to get to that tent and show me how much he could help , if I would just allow him to . I managed to get the tent up under his watchful eye , and then the rest of the campsite . After he was satisfied that the campsite was set up properly , we went for a nice looooong walk around the park . Then , we headed home in time to pick up the boys from school . We got back out to the camp in time to cook dinner , and then sit around the campfire waiting for mom to get off work and join us around 9 pm . We had a portable kennel for Joey to sleep in while in the tent , but Cindy thought he would be just fine on a blanket in the middle of the floor . She took Joey inside and let him explore every inch of our huge three room tent . One of the cub scouts chose that moment to run past our tent and of course , Joey took off after him . Now , this is Joey 's first camping trip and he is about a half second away from learning about bug screening in tents . Thank goodness he didn 't get a chance to build up any real speed before he hit that screen . He just bounced off the screen . By the time Joey figured out where he was , the kid was gone . He sniffed around the doorway a little bit , watching for any more kids that might appear , then trotted over to his blanket and laid down . Saturday at the scout picnic , I was giving a demonstration on camp cooking for the new scouting families . So , Joey was back on his rope , just out of my demo area . Cindy came over to get him and take him for a walk in his coat . I have been his primary trainer and he does pretty good with me , but won 't behave for anybody elseNo comments : 9 / 30 / 10 I got all excited today out by my mailbox . There was a letter from SEGD . Could this be the letter we have been anxiously waiting for ? The letter that will put an end to the raging hormones running around our house disguised as a dog ? The letter that will save our young sons ' virtue ? The letter that will put Joey one step closer to becoming a real guide dog ? PLEASE , let this be the letter telling us to take him in to be neutered ! I didn 't tear into it like a madman out on the street , I maintained a degree of decorum while I was out where the neighbors could see me . Once I got in the house , I tore into that envelope like Joey trying to get a treat out of his kong toy . I got the letter out and unfolded . I started to read . I heard somebody screaming " NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO " ! It may have been me . My youngest son , Colby , asked me what was wrong . It must have been me . I looked at the letter again . I read it very slowly and carefully , but it still said the same thing . Joey is being considered for the breeding program . Now of course we are very proud that Joey is special enough to be considered to sire offspring for SEGD . We are happy to do our part in raising him to do what ever they determine is best . Joey is also very anxious to do his part . We just have a personal preference to see him actually bring light into somebody 's dark world . Yea , yea , I know he could help a lot more people by having pups as great as he is , but we are selfish . We want to see him help just one . Congratulations , Big Joe . You get to keep them for a while longer . Joey is so much fun to watch around the house these days . We have been making a few design changes , one of which , really affects him . We have removed the carpeting from the living room , dining room , and hall , and installed hardwood flooring . I think you can picture an energetic six month old puppy , especially one as big as Joey , suddenly deprived of the traction properties of carpeting . It is almost like the old cartoons , where he runs in place for a few seconds before he actually starts moving . Now we get to the old physics law that states that an object in motion , stays in motion . That law is providing a lot of entertainment right now . We see a big black blur sliding across the floor , appearing to be back - pedaling til it slams into a fixed object . Non - fixed objects , like Cindy or the boys coming home from work or school , tend to fall over when he slams into them . Since we have the new flooring , we have to install new baseboards , which , I have learned , means we have repaint the walls . Joey just loves to check out that funny smelling stuff in the trays , and since he seems to have his own version of a paint brush , he is spending more time on tiedown or in his kennel . But then we go out for longer walks while the paint dries , so it all works out OK for Joey . No comments : Joey is six months old today . He is weighing in at 72 lbs , so the size estimates I am seeing on - line are scaring me . I have looked at different formulas , and they seem to agree that his adult weight will be around 144 . All the websites are very careful to mention that these are only estimates , but it does seem clear to me that we need to start calling him " Big Joe " . We know that SEGD 's goldadores always come from male goldens and female labs , but we have heard that they are considering breeding male goldadors with female labs . If this happens with Big Joe , I can envision a line of very large dogs . Probably not in the best interests of SEGD , unless they are planning on creating personal protection guide dogs for blind celebrities and heads of state . Or , adding a riding stable for the kids after they come for the puppy hugging . Not to mention the females that would have to carry his pups ! What I am getting to , is that we want to get that letter telling us to get him fixed . Of course we would be proud if he was eventually selected as a breeder , but we would rather see him fully trained and be somebody 's first guide dog . We want him to change somebody 's life . And , it would be great to put an end to those raging hormones running rampant in our house . The kids aren 't safe getting down on the floor to play with him . And he wouldn 't be so distracted by little miss Ellie , the beautiful nine month old golden in our puppy group . Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and our oldest son cooked a beautiful dinner for us . The table was fully decked out with candles and - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - wait for it - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a tablecloth . Everything was great last night , but this morning the tablecloth and candles were still on the table . Joey got very curious about the fabric hanging down and decided that it would be much easier to lay on if it was on the floor . I think it would be very easy to picture what the scene would have been like with a fully set table ( and the good china ) . We were lucky that there was only the candelabra to be knocked over . I am a little surprised that it took almost four months before Joey saw a tablecloth . But , having two young sons , we very seldom set the table that fancy . The holidays are still months away . And , having the boys , we almost never go to the finer dining establishments where they cover the table instead of just wiping it down . I don 't know if I could ever be as proud of Joey as I was this morning . I took him out to watch the Honor Escort for Marine Lance Cpl . Nathaniel J . A . Schultz , who was killed in Afghanistan . He was flown into MacDill AFB and came thru Brandon on the way to Riverview . Joey sat next to me on the side of the road as the procession approached . He looked extra sharp in his blue coat . As the police cars approached , he focused his eyes on them and didn 't move a muscle . Then , just as the hearse got to us , he stood up . He stood there not moving , watching the hearse , the Patriot Riders , and the rest of the motorcade pass by . As the last police car was passing , he sat down again . Joey had stood at attention to honor a fallen American ! How could he not ? His sponsor is a combat wounded Marine and a guide dog user . I am retired US Air Force . Joey somehow understands the way we feel and he paid his respects appropriately . Joey 's trip to Canada started out with some fun . He was a true professional in the airport until we went thru security . There was a very long line , but we were ushered around to the front . They had the new body scanner working and it was really slowing things down . We were taken to the old standard metal detector . We were asked to remove Joey 's leash and have him go thru by himself . So , Cindy went thru first and then called Joey thru . Joey stopped halfway to check out the detector . BEEEEEP . Joey comes back to me to try again . Cindy calls him and I hold onto him until he is really anxious to get to her . I let go and he goes straight thru without stopping , tail wagging like crazy . Tail touches the detector and - - - - BEEEEEP . The security guard started to have us send him thru again , but the supervisor came around from the x - ray station and said he would pat him down . We think he just wanted to play with Joey cause the " pat down " was more playful rubbing then anything else . We finally got thru and were putting our shoes on when we met a friend of somebody else in our puppy raiser group who was flying out on a different flight . She had watched the security fun and had to come over to talk to us . We flew into Atlanta and one of the wonderful Air - Tran supervisors escorted Joey and Dave out onto the ramp to a grassy area to let him " busy " . While boarding the connecting flight , a lady saw our SEGD Puppy Raiser shirts and was telling us how she has been a supporter of SEGD for years . We were already seated and Joey was under the seat , so she couldn 't really see him , but she made sure to find us at baggage claim after the flight so she could meet him . Joey was very good on the planes , just laying on the floor sleeping the whole way . Well , we thought he was sleeping . He was head first under the seat with his butt sticking out by our feet . Suddenly the lady in the seat ahead jumped and let out a little scream . Somebody was licking her ankle . Luckily , she was a good sport and thought it was very amusing . We arrivedNo comments : There is deep sadness in the Mihulka home this week . It is with deep regret that we announce the passing of " Squirrel " , a very close , inseparable friend of Joey . Squirrel first came into the Mihulka home on May 29th , 2010 as a gift from Joey 's sponsers , Jimmy and Stefanie Lannon of Sarasota . Squirrel 's death came after a short case of torn stitching , followed soon after by traumatic disembowelment . Survivors include two Nylabones , three Kong toys , and a green dental chew . Services were held at the home and the body was interred in a garbage can beside the garage . Squirrel will be deeply missed by Joey . Joey was just wonderful in the car . He laid on the floor either playing with a chew toy , or just keeping up with his beauty sleep . We stopped in St . Louis and took him to the top of the Gateway Arch . You ride to the top in what can only be described as a big clothes dryer . We got a great picture of Joey looking out the window at the top . Then , it was on to Nebraska . We stayed at my dad 's house while we were there . The first morning after we arrived , I was sitting at a table with Joey next to me . He started nosing around under the china cabinet . He had been nosing under there the night before , so I got down to find out if something was down there . I didn 't see anything , so I ran my hand in the carpet and felt something small . I picked some up and looked at them . They were small green pellets , MOUSE POISON . Dad had picked up all the poison trays before we had arrived , but the vacuum didn 't reach far enough under the cabinet to get some of particles that had been spread under there . I got on the internet to do some reading on the subject . Joey had to go outside to busy right about then , and I saw that his poo was bright green . There was no mistaking that he had eaten some . It was too early for the vet office to be open , so I called the emergency number . The doc assured me there was no cause for alarm , but I did need to bring him in that morning . I brought in a tray of the poison , and a poo sample . The vet examined them and confirmed that he had eaten enough to be dangerous . She gave us some medication to counter - act the poison . Joey is and will be just fine . On the way back home , we spent some time in Tennessee . We went to an old working farm that is kept the way it was back in 1860 . Joey got to meet some pigs and chickens , but was really fascinated by the horses . But , he is getting to be a true professional , and with just a slight tug of the leash , he is off to see what else there is to find . Joey also got to go in the Ruby Falls cave in Chattanooga . As we met other tour groups in the cave , people were alwaysJun 18 , 2010 Joey was out at Cub Scout day camp all week . He got to be around a couple hundred screaming kids . On the first couple days he was tied to my camping trailer and had his portable kennel sitting in the shade . But , he preferred to lay under a tree and insisted on trying to dig . I was busy teaching a cooking class for the boys and couldn 't be right there to stop him every time , so I pulled out a piece of outdoor carpet we use in the tent and layed it down so he couldn 't dig . Then he insisted on laying under the trailer . He didn 't want to stay in the kennel . I put him in his coat for the flag ceremony at the start and close of each day . Today , for the last day of camp , the boys had a big water gun fight against the camp staff . I ran Joey around in the middle of the fight and let him get wet and he was able to get some of the boys wet when he would shake off the water . Also , today was a big milestone for Joey . Maybe not in his training , but it was important for his self - confidence . He jumped into the front floor of my pickup completely on his own with no assistance . You could really see the look of satisfaction on his face . Took Joey on an overnight trip to the Wilderness Lodge in Orlando . Joey went up and down lots of stairs , including some that were semi - open . Lots of elevator rides , walking over steel grates at the doors , and up and down ramps . Lots of walking on boardwalks and over small foot bridges . We rode buses , boats , and the monorail . Nothing phased him at all . Even the fireworks going off in the evening were totally ignored . Once in the monorail , the door warning chimes made him lift his head and look around , but after that one time , he ignored it . He is fascinated by anything laying on the ground . It should get easier to control that as he grows and his face is a little further away from the ground . He spent a lot of time laying under the loungers at the pool . Even the geyser going off every hour was ignored . In one of the restaurants , A waitress dropped a tray of dishes and made a very large noise , but he never flinched . At another meal in the hotel , the servers got very loud as part of their western characters , but he didn 't pay any attention to them . Only when a waitress was dancing very close to our table , did he start to scoot a little closer to where she was . Once he is laying under that table , he ignores everything . But , we haven 't dropped any food yet . At Downtown Disney , they have little water jets in the ground that little kids play on . I got Joey standing near one just waiting for it to go off . He happened to stand directly over one just as it shot him in the belly . But , he barely acknowledged that he got wet . He met a lot of people that were interested in petting him . I swear to god I will probably scream the next time I hear anybody saying " AWE " ! I was worried about him during the night in the hotel room . I knew we might have a problem in the morning trying to get him outside in time to " busy " . He was on a tiedown at the foot of the bed , not in his usual crate . I woke up in the morning hearing him playing with his toy , not with the whining I usually hear . I got him to the elevator , down the lonNo comments : Went to the open house at the campus today . Joey was a big hit as he seemed to be the youngest puppy there . He did get to interact with a bunch of older dogs . We met Cathy and her dog Angel , from one of the videos on the website . But Angel did not like meeting Joey . She snapped and started to growl . We got them separated very quickly . Cathy explained that Angel had recently been attacked by a Chihuahua and was not too trusting of other dogs right now . Then , we got to meet Joey 's sponsors , Jimmy and Stefanie . We got to share some stories and we hope to get together again . Joey 's first night with us didn 't exactly go the way we were expecting . We tried to keep him awake thru the evening , but it had been a very big day for him and by 8 : 00 he had transformed into a limp black rag doll . He was unconscious for the evening . At around 10 : 30 I had to carry him outside to " busy " , but he just laid there in the grass . I put him to bed in his kennel . Then the crying started . At first it was just a couple small whimpers lasting about a minute and a half . Then , the silence . Cindy and just looked at each other in disbelief . But reality sunk in as we realized he would wake up in the night and let all the neighbors know who he was . We waited for the inevitable serenade but it never came . Then , at 6 : 00 AM , he started SCREAMING . I think he had a paw stuck in the bars of the kennel , but had gotten it out by the time I turned on the light . But , we were up for the day . About an hour after breakfast , Joey walked over to the sliding door were we always go out to " busy " , and sat down . He pawed the glass a little , but stayed sitting there . We took him outside again and he gave us a big present . Cindy and looked at each other in disbelief again . Could housebreaking him really be this easy ? Did the puppy staff start the training ? There were no accidents or even any close calls all day . We had our first exposure outing today . We went to the vacuum parts store where they had all kinds of strange smells of carpet cleaner . Then , we were off to Lowes , to get tie - down materials . But then , I decided to go to Ace Hardware instead . I almost always find what I want there , if Lowes or Home Depot doesn 't have it . It 's a smaller store with more personal service . Perfect for a new guide dog puppy . At both stores , Joey was perfect . He sat or laid right at my feet , stayed quiet , didn 't nose around at anything . No accidents . Also , Joey pays absolutely no attention to the vacuum cleaner . Who trained this dog before we got it ? ? ? ? ? This is too easy ! At our PR ( puppy raiser ) meeting a couple days ago , they were talking about the group getting some new puppies during May and June . I was sort of disappointed , because the people waiting for puppies already had dates to receive them . We just had our home interview two weeks ago , so I knew I was still pretty low on the list , but it still hurt a little to be left out . Last night I started getting the feeling that I would get a phone call this week telling me that a puppy was scheduled to come to us next month . This morning , the feeling was very strong that the call would come today . I was out with my wife Cindy this morning . We were just getting back in the car to come home , but the car next to us parked too close for us to open the driver 's door . So , Cindy was trying to crawl over from the passenger side . Then we heard the cell phone ring . She was pretty well stuck with her butt in the air , trying to get seated behind the wheel and cussing the phone for choosing that moment to ring . But , it was my phone , not hers . I saw the call was from our group leader , Rita , and I got pretty excited . Then she told me she had some good news . A puppy that was supposed to go to another group suddenly became available for us . We could pick him up anytime this week . An hour later , we were on our way to Palmetto to get him . Since we weren 't really prepared for a puppy yet , we stopped at Target and picked up some dog toys and other stuff . We were very excited and nervous on the half hour drive to SEGD . We met our goldador , Joey . We found out he was one of the four puppies we were playing with a couple weeks ago when we brought my dad there for puppy hugging . On the way home , Cindy drove while I had Joey sitting at my feet . Soon he was up on my lap , looking out the window and getting to know me . We got home in time for him to have some lunch and check out the house . Then I had to pick our youngest son Colby from school . I didn 't say a word to him about the pup . We got home and he went in to say hi to Mom , and saw Joey laying in fJoey has spent most of his first day with us just sleeping on the floor . The kids have taken him out for a couple walks , but he tires out very quickly . He walks very well on the leash , but doesn 't like going out the door . He is a golden retriever X labrador , lovingly refered to as a Goldador . Joey is sponsered by Jimmy and Stefanie Lannon of JPL & Associates , LLC in Sarasota , Florida . Please check out their website : http : / / www . jpl - associates . com / This site is not affiliated with or endorsed by Southeastern Guide Dogs , Inc . The views and options stated here belong to the blog author and may not accurately reflect those of Southeastern Guide Dogs , Inc . And believe me , they let me know when that happens . |
I need to get out of this place I 've been staying . Belle is dead , and my patient , Nora , is in bad shape . I need to get her to a real hospital , with real medicine , if there 's any hope that we can harness the information that she 's producing with the bdelloids . If there 's any hope that we can save her . Tell me where you are , and I will find a way to get there . After my conversation with Bea , I went home to find Nora on the floor , convulsing . This was nothing new , PTA tries to overtake your spinal chord and nervous system on its way to your brain , and since her experience was basically PTA in slow motion , she had been prone to spasms and full blown seizures at this point . Her existence was misery , and we both knew it , but she was determined to survive , and I was determined to find a way to make that happen . By the time I had geared up to go in her small , ventilated living space , the violence had ended . There she lay , in a crumpled heap , her eyes barely open . Exhaustion . I knelt in front of her and placed my gloved hand on her shoulder . She smiled , weakly . I knew it was not enough , a gloved , impersonal hand groping her bare arm , but for that moment , it sufficed to keep her trying . I gave a sympathetic smile and moved to put my hands under her thin arms and lift er up and onto the small , ugly couch that I had found at the dump , which she now used for a bed . I sat her down , and took my place beside her . We must have been a sight to see - - if there had been anyone around to see us . A fully dressed , suited HVAC monster , complete with welders ' gloves and breathing apparatus , aside a tiny , shriveled , black and blue wisp of a thing , nearly all her hair fallen out and her eyes sunken in . . . the epitome of juxtaposition . " YEah , I know . But sometimes you have to talk about things you don 't want to . I need to know how you got those things inside you , so I can find them and run some tests . Outside your body . Outside the culture that 's been created in you . Because who knows . . . " I couldn 't finish the thought . " How long it 'll last ? Yeah , I know . You don 't have to remind me . And if it gets to that point , I 'll tell you . " She broke into a short raspy cough before setting her jaw and furrowing her brow . She looked like a pissed off skeleton . " Well , we 're at that point , Nora . Your seizures are getting more common , more violent . You 're so malnourished , you look like you could break in half . And your blood is so thin that I don 't want to draw it for fear that you 'll bleed out . No matter what I do , your body just isn 't working , Nora . We 're down to the wire here . " Nora , you have to tell me . Soon . I 'm begging . I don 't think I can save you , I 'm trying , god I 'm trying . But I don 't think there 's much time left . But , if I could get ahold of some bdelloids , raw , I could use what I 've learned from you to help other people . Maybe if I could find them soon enough , I could use them to help you ! I don 't know , but I 'll never know if you don 't help me ! " As I spoke , Nora pulled away and watched my face as I spoke . I couldn 't make eye contact , as the tears were welling and threatening to force themselves down my face with every word . But I could see her expression go from angry , stern , accusing , and offended , to scared , alone , confused , and hopeless . By the end , she was looking at her feet , tears rolling , apparently defeated , deflated , and ready to talk . " My dad . My dad gave me PTA . Well , he let me get it anyways . He made me sleep in the basement . See , he 's really religious , but I 'm not . And he thought that the disease was , like , in a way , god 's punishment for all the evil that people like me let into the world . Like another flood . Only that god can 't do another flood because he promised , but now he 's killing all the sinners with little monsters in their brains . That 's what he said when the news broke . " So I lived down therefor several years , and my mother threw table scraps whenever she could , when he wasn 't paying attention . And he would stand up at the top of the steps and yell down sermons and scriptures , and he would pray . And sometimes , he 'd just stand up there and weep . " Then , my mother died . She got sick , and she died . And he threw her body down at me , screaming about how I 'd helped bring this disease into the world , into his home , and how I had killed his wife , how I killed my moma because my sins had been cast onto her . That god had punished her for raising up a daughter that wasn 't right with god . He said that I might as well have did it with my own hands . " Of course , being that close to her is where I probably got the PTA from . I mean , she was still warm from first death , and wet with the blood from the shotgun that kept her that way . Her blood got all over me . . . " Nora started to shiver a little , with a distant look in her eyes . I put my gloved hand on her knee to comfort her . She continued on . " Anyways . I started to get sick then . It was just a sniffle , but I knew what was happening . My mother was decomposing right beside my bed , I knew what was next . I didn 't have much time left . " A couple nights later , my dad got really pissed off at the world . He wasn 't seeing straight . He came downstairs , didn 't even stop at the top like normal . He came all the way downstairs and just stared at me for like ten minutes . He was crying , but he was mad . Then he started to mumble to himself , and I couldn 't understand what he was saying . Then he yelled , " ANSWERMEDAMMIT ! " so loud that it scared me . So I said , ' I can 't understand what you said ? What did you say ? ' and he asked , really quiet this time , really creepy - calm , ' Are you a child of god or of satan ? ' And I said . . . " Nora choked , coughed hard for several moments , took a breath and swallowed hard . She looked guilty , sorry , ashamed . Her face looked dark and horrified , like I 'd never seen her look . I put my hand on hers and nodded for her to continue . " And I said , ' Neither , Daddy , ' I said , ' I 'm your kid . I always have been , and I always will be till the day we 're both dead . There is no god , and that 's why the world is like the way it is , and that 's why I have to live in a basement with my dead mom 's carcass , even though I never did jack shit ! And that 's why you 're like the way you are , because HE ISN ' T REAL ! ' and he just . . . he lost his shit , Dahlia , he started screaming with no words , and he attacked me . That 's how I got that gash on my leg . He pulled a beam straight off the railing for the stairs , and he hit me with it , hard . " Somehow , I managed to get behind him and I ran up the steps and I slammed the door and I locked it . And he was hitting it and slamming against it , and I knew he 'd knock it down , so I ran out of the house , and I locked everything up . And I knew if I kept still eventually he 'd get out and come find me , and who knows what would happen then . " I kept running til I couldn 't run anymore . And nothing looked the same as it did before the basement , Dahlia , everything was all run down , and there were no people anywhere . There was no food anywhere , no water . " So when I got to the point I couldn 't run or walk anymore , I sat down , and I tried to think of what I could do . I was really thirsty , and I had run into this little forest , so I rested til I could walk again . So I started walking again and I found this little pond . I mean , it looked little , but I got in and it was real deep . One of those places that probably doesn 't even dry out during drought because there 's an underground well or something . Anyways , I drank water from there , and I slept there that night , because I was sure I was getting ready to die . I had PTA for a week by then , there was no way I wouldn 't be undead by morning . I just hoped a bear or something would find me and eat me first . But I woke up the next morning , and I was wondering if I was undead yet , but I was really thirsty still , so I drank more water from that pond . By a couple days later , I was pretty well convinced I wasn 't undead , because I was hungry and thirsty and I was still sleeping at night , so I ate some roots and wild onions , I didn 't think about how they might be infected from being around open water , but what did it matter anyways ? I was already infected . And I had drank that water . The worst that would happen was I died , which I was ready for anyways . But I didn 't . And a little while later , I actually felt good . Like , the cough went away and everything . " I walked and I walked , until I got so tired , and so hungry , and I had no idea where I was , and the cough was coming back , and I was just so hungry , so I stopped walking . I went to sleep in this pile of rubbish , and I waited to just die already . That 's about the time you came around . " I keep dreaming of Belle , of my mom , of Imena , of John . . . It 's all so crazy . My gramma knows a woman who used to be a shrink , so I went to see her the other day , hoping she could tell me why I was dreaming of these things . " Hi there , Dahlia , your gramma told me that you needed someone to talk to . . . for a second opinion . I 'm Bea , would you like some coffee ? " She 's a short woman , with red hair and a friendly old face . She 's probably about the same age my mom would be . She brings me into her little apartment and sits me down on a big , squishy , old leather couch . It 's black . To the right is a big red armchair with only a few tears in the arms . There 's a black ottoman between us , and a window looking out over the old main street . On the walls are photographs in frames , of a much younger version of Bea , more like my age , with a baby boy and a man about John 's current age . In one , they 're at the beach , in another there 's snow everywhere , the boy is a bit older there , and they 're all in big puffy jackets and hats . There are paintings as well , most of them in warm colors , red , orange , purple . A little yellow flecks here and there about the room , but the overall feel is calm and warm . As I 'm taking everything in , I hear her preparing the coffee in the next room over . " Sugar , hon ? " She calls . Her voice is kind of soft and light , very kind and calm . " Yes , ma ' am , but just a little . " I watch as she glides back in the room , slippers , loose slacks and billowy blouse . She reminds me of a friend of my mothers ' from way back when , " Yogi " she was called . She gingerly places the tray of mugs down on the ottoman between us , kicks off her slippers , and curls up with her mug , little tendrils of steam hugging her face . I lift up my cup and take a sip . It 's bitter , a little gritty , but very warm . The smell of coffee , as always , makes me feel relaxed and open . " Well , like I said , my name 's Bea . Before PTA , I was a therapist , and now I help in the gardens with things like watering and gathering and that sort of thing . I live here alone , and I 've lived here for very , very long . I love to talk to people , and in my spare time , I counsel people who still need it . I very much enjoy meeting new people , and even more , I enjoy helping the people I meet . Most people who come to me in this capacity , though , are going through difficult times in their lives . I can give advice , or I can just listen , whichever the speaker needs . So , Dahlia , tell me about yourself ? " " Bea , I 've been having dreams about my . . . family . I don 't know if you can give me advice about it , but I need an objective opinion . I really want to trust you , but some things about my story . . . I can 't tell you without risking a lot - - on both our parts . So , I guess I 'll just tell you what I dreamed about about . " " Well , the first thing I remember , I was in this prison . I knew everyone there , but at the same time , I didn 't . I felt like I couldn 't trust them , but I wanted them to trust me . I remember , though , that Belle was there . You don 't know who Belle is . Belle was this girl . . . I lived with her for a long time . We were like sisters , I guess . She was a lot younger than me . She could have been my daughter , biologically . But anyways , she was there . And her girlfriend , Imena , she was there . See , before we moved here , Belle and Imena were very close , and you hardly ever saw them apart . They were lovely . Imena was there , and in the dream , she and Belle were together , and they were bunked together . Well , something bad happened , so we had to run away from the prison . I can 't really remember , but we ran away in the night , me and Belle and Imena . And we ran a very long way through a forest , and then we came to this little town , where my mother was still alive . In reality , my mother died a few weeks before PTA officially broke , and in this dream , she was living in this little po - dunk town . She was a waitress . We found her , and we stole her away in the night to run with us . We went all over , the four of us , until we got to this city , and we stayed in a hotel . I don 't think PTA was a thing in this dream , because while we were staying there , there were no checkups to get in , there was no viral security , and we weren 't even worried about breathing unprocessed air without worms or pills . Well , so we check into this hotel , and John , who in reality is my ex , is there . And the hotel has three separate rooms , one for Belle and Imena , one for mom , and one for me and John . Well , I was visiting with my mom , just shooting the breeze , when she hands me this pregnancy test . You know , like the old fashioned kind that you peed on and it would tell you if you were pregnant ? I 've never used one , but my brother had had a girlfriend when I was a kid , and Mom had bought them a few , ' just in case ' , and I had seen them . Anyway , she hands me one and says , ' you need to check . ' So I go in the bathroom and do it , and it says I 'm pregnant . " As we 're running out of the lobby , there are these three dogs made of stone , and they 're all lined up against a wall facing the wall . Belle starts to freak out , and Mom just yanks us down the hallway . The dogs are following us , every time we look away . We 're all afraid , and we 're running , but the lobby is turning into this crazy labyrinth , and we just can 't figure out how to get away . So Mom just picks Belle up like a baby , and throws her to the dogs . I scream and try to run after her , but Mom won 't let me , she just drags me away , and we 're suddenly on the steps , and Belle is being ripped to pieces , and Mom just stands there , with her arms wrapped around me so tight I can barely breathe , and makes me watch . And then I woke up . " " All the time . Just about every decision I 've ever made has been influenced by her in one way or another . I try to stay busy so I don 't have to think about it , but here . . . without Belle . . . There 's just no way to avoid it . " " I guess . I wanted to know if she was still alive . I wanted to know what she was like now . What mom might have been like . " " I . . . It was my fault , really . . . I should have known to be more careful . . . I should have checked . . . . I don 't know , it happened so fast . . . She got . . . shot . By a rifle . It was an accident . A misfire . . . . " I started sobbing uncontrollably , and the coffee mug that I had been clenching so tightly rolled to the shaggy gray carpet , spilling rich black liquid along the fibers , which quickly sucked up the moisture into a big , dark stain . " Dahlia , " Bea pleaded as she moved to the couch beside me and pulled me into her arms . She was such a tiny thing , but she rocked me and cradled me as if I were the small one . " Dahlia , it 's all right . What 's done is done , and can 't be taken back . But you 're still here . You 're still alive . Belle and your mother are gone , but you have to keep continuing on . You 've got to figure out why you 're still here ? You 've got to come up with a reason , even if it 's temporarily constructed , for being here ? What 's your purpose ? You seem to be afraid of motherhood , but you took Belle in , did you not ? You 're capable of good , just like your mother was . Just because she made a poor decision , doesn 't make her evil . Everyone makes mistakes . Some of our mistakes are a little more . . . consequential . It 's unfortunate that you 've had to survive so much death , but then , everyone who is alive today lives alongside death , battles it , constantly . You 've got to find a way to make it mean something , Dahlia . You 've learned from your mother 's mistakes , and from your own , yes ? " I nod , feeling an epiphany coming on . " Yes , you have . And I know you can find a way to make your time here count . And in the meantime , I 'm here if you need to talk . I swear on my life that I won 't share any of your secrets , and I won 't judge you for any of it . The way I make my survival count , Dahlia , is by helping other people , and when that means that I must be silent , I am silent . Does that make sense ? " " I used to know what I was meant for , I was born to research and help find a cure for PTA . But they don 't need me there , anymore . Bea , this is a part of what you can never breath a word about okay ? Please , swear you won 't ever talk about this , you won 't ever think about this , after I say it ? But I have to say it out loud . I can 't keep it in anymore . Please swear , on something that matters . " " They 've found the cure for PTA . I can 't tell you what it is , but they know how to do it . And my purpose , since you asked , is to find a way to keep them from using it . " The government is hiding something , I 'm not sure what , but it has something to do with PTA . I think that someone has found something that may be dangerous . Perhaps they 've found the source ? Or maybe it 's a way to create a weapon ? I 'm not sure , but it can 't be good . I know that there are about 45 individuals who are working with full knowledge , give or take , and I know that their assistants and colleagues are completely in the dark . You are the only person outside of the loop who even knows that there is something to know - - besides myself . I am not in the loop officially , and as far as anyone with any power is concerned , I have no idea that there is even a secret . I was getting concerned about a conspiracy when I tried to contact a long - time friend of mine , who told me he was going to be busy about a week before you disappeared . I wanted to set up a meeting with him to reunite , just check in on each other , and he had never been one to avoid me before . When I asked him what he would be busy with , he evaded the question . Then , a week later , I hear that a young biologist has uprooted herself and her daughter and vanished without a trace - - and stole a gun and jeep from her base . When the official word got out , it came in the form of a warrant for your arrest . When I saw the name on the release , I almost couldn 't believe it . I 've seen your input in different conferences , and spoken with people who have worked closely with you , and it didn 't seem to add up . So I got in contact with your immediate supervisor , who told me that she was confident that you were okay , but that she had no idea where you were or what happened to you . Among those signs were other , more abstract indicators that I won 't go into detail about at the moment . However , I figured if anyone would tell me what I wanted to know , it would be someone who was off the grid . And I figured that there was little chance of coincidence that people would start acting strangely right before you disappeared with a mark on your head . ( Figuratively , of course - - they want you arrested , not dead ) . I didn 't know how to contact you , though . So I just started praying that God would take care of you , and would help our paths to cross . I know that you won 't see it as divine intervention , but Dahlia , I am thankful that the lord provided this path for us to converge on . I 'm glad that I had something that could help you , and I 'm glad that my reputation was positive enough for you to seek me out when you needed a friend . I would like to know what the secret is . Or , at the very least , the possible political implications of the secret breaking the public . I don 't want to break the secret outright , I just want to know why it is so important to keep it secret , that way I can , in good conscious , continue to not spill the fact that there is a conspiracy of some sort going on right now . And I would like to use my connections and influence to help the public and my friends prepare for the inevitable day when this secret becomes public . So please , share with me what made you so afraid that you fled , and tell me why you don 't share your knowledge with the world . I know why you may not want to share with me : I have power . I have influence . I have contacts . If I knew where you were or what you knew , there 's always the chance that I could betray you and capture you . But you have the power of anonymity right now . You could tell the public , but you 've chosen to stay silent . Why ? Thank you for your help . It 's been a few weeks now , and while her condition is not improving , she has not died yet , which is , as you know , a miracle considering she 's been infested with PTA for so long . I 'm taking every precaution with her so I don 't communicate the disease outside of her living quarters . I won 't gross you out with all the gory details of our current living situation , but it 's not pleasant . As to your questions of my current political standing : You may have known that I was involved with John Smith for a while . And you may know that his name is one that is involved in the current rumors circulating the upper crust of scientists and politicians . Well , he got me involved in a way that I wasn 't prepared for - - or willing to participate in . Essentially , my only two options were to work for free or get out . I chose to leave . I had no way of knowing that things would get so out of hand that I would literally be on the run . My original plan was to leave for a few months , a year at the most , until everything blew over or John moved somewhere new . I had every intention of continuing my work in the future , but as you can see , that is proving very difficult . I don 't want to get you involved in the way that I am involved with the secrets of the state right now . If I had the choice , I would prefer to be in the dark right now . Many things have changed , and I am sorely unhappy with the result of my life choices . So , until I know exactly how well - trusted you are within the scientific community ( ie , how much do you know on your own ? ? ? ) I will regretfully not be able to share any information that I have gathered from within the government with you . I 'm sure that you 'll understand . And I recognize that this is a sort of catch - 22 , considering that I don 't know how much you know and you don 't know how much I know , so neither of us can , in good conscious , share with one another any important information without a great amount of trust and treason . I 'm already in enough trouble for what I may - or - may - not know , so I can 't be certain that anyone not currently working at my side isn 't trying to peel a confession out of me , which is not going to happen any time soon . |
We had a nice Christmas with everyone home . The meal was a little tricky because it was cooked at two houses . There was a roast in each oven . The pies were cooked at our house early pictured in the video on Dr John 's blog . Reason for hair not combed and the blank stare at cupboard . The vegetables were cooked with roast at the other house and so were the rolls . The ham was moved around and was late being cooked . It did get done . Today I took back an X - box 360 game because my son doesn 't have an x - box 360 . I looked at a X - box 360 and they are not cheep . I have to find some time tomorrow to set up my Christmas outside decorations because the wind snow storm blew them all down . Next year I hope to get them out before the ground freezes and I can stake them down . They were sitting on my front porch . It is the night before the night before Christmas and I am trying to get every thing ready . My son from Madison will arrive Monday . My Shopping for gifts is done but not for the meal . We ordered a rib roast and had to go out in the bad weather to get it . The storm should stop . I wish everyone a Merry Christmas . One of the blogs I read asked : " What was your best Christmas gift ? " My answer is Jesus . The second was my husbands life . The third is my family all together . As a child I was always disappointed because my parents gave me what they thought I should have such as a doll etc . There was one doll I wanted and that was a bride doll which I got but I didn 't get the one with a change of clothing . I wanted trucks , trains , garages . I did get a train but not like my neighbors who were five boys . Their train was electric , I got a wind up one . If I had saved it I could have gotten a lot of money for it . As I got older I liked sewing clothes for the dolls . I also liked doctor kits . Some of the gifts I liked were a round plaid purse , and a record player . I was talking this over with my daughter and I told her I found myself to be very ungrateful . She pointed out that my biological parents had died and what I really wanted was them . Maybe so but I feel bad that I wasn 't satisfied . Today I am very thankful the life I have . Today the doorbell rang . The only people who come and have rung our doorbell , were children wanting us to come and watch them ride their bikes in a contest , and somekind of mailperson . I expected a mailperson . It was not . It was a woman from St . Marks , our new church . She handed me a bag . The bag had cookies and a beautiful hand made blanket . I would have liked to invited her in but my house was a mess , from the dog and me wrapping presents . The dog wasn 't wrapping but had taken every toy and bone out and some torn up tissue layed on the floor . I was dressed in my clothes to go and work on the train layout and I had not even combed my hair . She said she was asked to bring the bag over and drop it off . Even if I was not prepared I was very grateful for the gifts because it said we were thought of . A big high five for St Marks . Dr John was in bed most of the day . I would like to get him to the doctor if things are not better tomorrow . He is a hard person to get to go see a doc . My daughter and I took a quick trip to Oshgosh to shop . They have an Outlet Mall . The tree was easier to put up . It looks nice , so the humans are happy not so the dog . The tree is small and sitting on a round table . It has a train that goes around it . When the train is on the dog goes and hides . Tonight she took to barking at it . I just fell asleep at the keyboard so I will call it a night . Yesterday my daughter brought home a quart of eggnog . I poured two glasses , and was putting the cap back on when for no good reason the bottled leaped from my not too steady hands and splashed eggnog over my counter , floor , cupboard doors and the toaster . I grabbed paper toweling and wiped the counter and the floor and the doors . It was late so I put off a good cleaning . At breakfast , I told Dr John my hubby that I would have to scrub the floor and why . He had already gone to bed . For breakfast he wanted toast and as I put in the bread I noticed that my toaster was covered with eggnog . Dr John is on a mission to clean the basement and get rid of things we can 't use . He puts things on e - bay and I wrap and pack them . He has been keeping me very busy . The floor has need a cleaning for sometime , but he says it can wait . The eggnog made it have to be done . I did make a little dent in the garage . It has been used for a workshop and there is no room for a car . I have been walking the dog early in the morning . The last few days have been very cold so our trips have been shorter . We got a dusting last night of snow . There should be a storm tomorrow and it sounds like most of the country will share that storm . I was hoping that my son could come down and help me with getting Christmas decorations out . So we will see . Happy Thanksgiving everyone ! It was a year ago we moved to Neenah . It was a good move . We see the children and the grandchildren more often . I still have butterflies when I drive . I do miss my friends . Being close to the grandkids is so nice . I got to see last year my youngest grandchilds holiday program at school , granddaughters first communion , Iwent with my granddaughter to meet her teachers , she also had a time at school to share a hobby and I got to see that . My son 's three boys I would see once or twice a year , they have been here I think once a month . The granddog has kept me active . I walk her during the week at least once a day . We have the train layout coming along . I am very thankful for my life . Saturday my son , his boys , mydaughter , Dr John and I went to Trainfest in Milwaukee . My feelings on it , too big . Dr John got to ride around and to see every thing . That was not true for me . My plan was to go up and down the rows of tables and then cross ways . As I began the walk I found a mill I thought would be nice on the layout . As I began I told Dr John and he didn 't see it . I continued up the row and started down and found they [ the tables ] were not in nice rows . Then I saw Dr John again and he had not found the mill . I continued down the row and Dr John found me and said he found it follow him . I did . He couldn 't find it and so up the same row I went and back down . I was about to continue when Dr John told me he found it , and we went over and bought the logging building the mill was sold out . At this point I was tired and wanted to just sit for a moment . There were rest areas but I couldn 't find a seat . I was also hungry but the food lines were long . The family was also tired at this point so they found me and said we are going . So I did not get to see most of the show . We ate at Fuddruckers [ not sure of spelling ] and the grandkids were happy . I had a good grilled chicken . It was nice to see the grandkids . It was too bad that my other two grandchildren and family could not be there but because of the recent illness of my granddaughter I didn 't want to exposed her to anything . We didn 't have a single trick or treater at our house or did we see any kids moving about . That was scary . We do have kids in our neighborhood , and the house next door was decorated but we didn 't see any kids . Our grandchildren came and they were in costume [ pictures on Dr John 's blog ] . They already had plenty of candy so they didn 't eat any . We went to the Post Office and they had plenty of candy left also . Each clerk had a pumpkin with candy in it . The question is are the children of Neenah going to have better teeth than other children ? I finished plastering the beginning of the mountain of Dr John 's layout . I am looking at pictures with mountains in them so I can see colors so I will have a mountain that looks like a mountain . I am not an artist because I can 't see it in my mind , but I can copy . I have left the dog unattended so have to go back to the living room to see if she has found something to tear up . I left her sitting in my chair asleep . My daughter is on call , so I do not know when she will be back . Oh yesterday we ventured out to Hobby Lobby . I didn 't get see all that I wanted , John with his scooter traveled much faster than I did . In that store I could spend a lot of time and money . I got a pair of new boots to walk the dog . They are mens but they work . I have a new problem , mice and dog . This morning after her walk the dog found a nest of mice under my daughters little corner garden . She dug and dug until she got the tiny wiggly body and threw it around . With a great deal of effort I dragged her back into the house and put her in the crate . She was very dirty and my rug is now very dirty from her paws and my boots . I have left the dog in the crate and I will cover in her hole and dispose of the mouse . I know this is not the end to the problem . The cooler fall weather has now come . Nights have been freezing . My problem is walking the dog . I walk the dog at 7 : oo AM and the grass is wet . I walk the dog behind my house , in an area between my fence and a farmers field . This area is behind all the houses on this block and it leads to a soccer field at the school at the end of the block . I walk to the soccer field and around it twice and back to my house . My shoes got wet . I found a pair of old boots of my daughter but they have a whole in them , so I again got wet feet . I found my old boots and tried them they also did not keep out the water . I need to find a pair of comfortable boots that keep out water . Winter is coming and that will bring more problems in walking the dog . I need a high boot that keeps out water and is warm . I will be beginning a search of the stores for this boot . I wonder if I can get the dog to use the tread mill solving the winter walking problem . I went to stay with my grandkids last week . The youngest got a sore throat and and upset stomach , the oldest , trouble breathing . We watched a lot of childrens TV . What to feed the youngest was a problem . We got a kids cheezeburger . He ate half and sat it down and the dog ate it . My grandson said . " Thats OK its not chocolate . I am home dog sitting now and dog wants out , so long for now . A week has past and not much has happened , in my life . I went to my monthly bible study and we started a new book . Dr John went to get a hearing aid and proved to have a bit of an adventure . There is a back way and a get on the highway way . After a bit of an arguement which I won but lost because I agreed with him but he agreed with me so we started on the back way and I could not find the road to take up north . We took a road which I knew was wrong because it was a highway and the speed limit was 55 , I remembered the speed limit was 35 from before , but we came to a crossing road that was just North of the road I wanted and I knew how to get to . My daughter was almost in a bad accident on her way home . She was driving in the middle lane when a red suv cut in front of her . It lost control and was going side to side out of the lane . My daughter slowed down not sure of what that car was going to do . On her right was a green van . The red car moved into the right lane and hit the green van . The green van spun across the three lanes and turned over and back up then moved back across the three lanes to stop on the side of the highway . There was smoke coming from that van . My daughter had slammed on her brakes as did other traffic . She had pictured in her mind those chain of accidents you see on the news and thought she should get her car which was not hurt at all off the highway . She pulled ahead and to the side and called 911 . They asked if anyone was hurt and she said there must be and he said did you see someone hurt and she said no . She felt bad because she didn 't think to go back and check on the people just to get out of the way . The other day both Dr John and I had to have blood tests and I had to fast . Dr John also decided to wait to eat breakfast after the test so we could go out to eat . In mind was a place where we could sit and someone would take our order . The Docs office is in a row of eating places all were fast food or they didn 't serve breakfast . The ground was broken for Perkins but it is far from being ready yet . We set off down the road but nothing was seen we turned around ready to go to a fast food place when Dr John suggested why not try the Mall . Not in the Mall that has a food court not what we are looking for but there may be something around there . Off we go . I had in mind Old Country Buffet for up North they served breakfast . Drove there and they don 't serve breakfast . We sat in the parking lot and looked around . There was Hooters , but they don 't serve breakfast . We saw the back side of a bakery . Maybe , sometimes they serve breakfast so we drove to the front and sure enough they served breakfast . We had a very good meal . You can tell how dull a life we have . I don 't know why but I am having trouble commenting on other blogs . I hit the comment line but no square . I even got to read the comments but could not leave one . My daughter , son , his friend and myself played canasta until late into this morning . So the morning began slow . We went to Mary 's for lunch . It was very good . Then we went to the Mall for the boys to shop for things for the Packer game . Dr John joined them for canasta now . Before the canasta game , a bunk bed we want to sell came up from the basement to the garage , and the pool started to be drained . Burned out lights were changed but Maggie missed going to the dog park . She really likes it there . I like seeing her bound through the fields . We still have half of a fence to paint and a lawn to mow . Sunday our church is having a 50 year celebration . The week started with my grandchildren and son coming . They helped Dr John build the tables for his train layout . My daughter and I took them to an art studio . We did not guide them well in their selection of material . The youngest picked a castle bank with a lot of detail , and the oldest decided to do a mirror decorated with glass . The middle child picked a tank and there was paint everywere some getting on the tank . They had fun but the two hours we spent were not enough . We are to pick up the finished items this coming Tuesday . The oldest gave me the mirror which will mean it should not get broken in travel . He put a lot of thought into it . I have a place to hang it . I think it should be very pretty . The weekend held for us a lot of jobs to do , because I was going to have surgery on my other eye on Tuesday and for the rest of the month I would not be of use . We started sealing the deck , which was more work than we thought because I read the directions and they said to sand off the words printed . The deck looked great when we finished . Then came the fence , which had a very worn look to it . We had decided to paint it white . Dr John bought a electric paint spayer . I was afraid of it , I can 't get water hoses not to leak , so when my other son came to visit we asked him to set it up . He did and squeezed the handle , first nothing and then the paint came in big globs spaying far and wide . The deck was then speckled in white paint , which quickly dried and was not coming off . My daughter bought an inexpensive paint spayer which leaked , and I used a paint brush and we got the fence on our side of the house done . It looks nice but I had not pain from the eye surgery but pain in my arms and legs . My eye surgery went fine but there has not past enough time to see how well I will see . I took a day off , and with my daughter , daughter - in law , and her mother we took a trip to Do0r County , WI . My daughter drove so I didn 't even have that concern . We took off on Friday afternoon and stayed at the Landmark Resort in a suite with kitchen . This is a great place to stay . They have a restaurant , The Carrington Pup & Grill , they open at 5 : ooPM , we were too hungry to wait , so we drove toEgg Harbor and ate there . Great food . I had honey BBQ salmon . Next to the restaurant was a little shop of purses which we wandered through . Then back to the resort after picking out food to eat for breakfast at the market . We watched the Packers play . Then played canasta . Saturday morning we went to the Hands On Art Studio in Fish Creek . Had a relaxing time . I painted a butterfly . Then we traveled to the small communities stopping in the small shops . There were some problems . No pictures , we had camera but forgot to take them . At the resort the pool was to be open twenty - four hours but when we went it was closed for cleaning which would take 30 minutes , but we could use the hottub . Hot tub was very nice . We also got a call from my son that Maggie [ the dog of my daughter left at home ] was enjured by my sons dog while they were playing , and my son took her to the vet which gave her eye drops . I want to thank my son and my granddaughter and grandson for taking care of Dr John and the dog . It rained last night and lightly misted all day here . We have been praying for rain but you have to be careful for what you pray . The grass was brown and the weeds grew . The green is returning here . I don 't know if the rain saved the crops or not . The Western part of WI if flooded . I put Maggie in her crate and did the little trips that needed to get done this morning and I got two loads of laundry done . In the afternoon I played with Maggie . She wants to play football . When we play fetch she comes back full speed and bumps into you before she gives you what she caught . She caught me just below the knee giving me much pain . I had visions of hospital , but the pain got less and I am still walking . Sunday was a quiet day . I went to church . It was a very nice service . A member from the congregation sang a solo . During the afternoon I managed to put up my collector plates above the cupboards . These are Christmas plates in blue and white and my kitchen is decorated in blue and white . I had them hanging when we lived up North but we don 't have enough room for all the plates here . I have three different sets of plates , and even if they are for Christmas blue and white can go in the kitchen . When we first moved in they put the box of plates on my counter and I have slid the box around as I have been preparing meals . The box was to heavy to move off the counter . Putting them up required a ladder and then it was hard to get them up . My counter is now clear . I still have two sets of plates , Hummels and The Ten Commandments , which I have no idea what to do with them . It seems to be such a shame to leave them in boxes . These boxes are in the basement so they are not in my way . I watched High School Musical 2 with the sing along , in the evening . I enjoyed it . Dog sitting Monday . What new adventures await ? Hi Everyone ! I have a new spot and the ability to post again . I have missed you all . Much has happened but you can get a summary on Dr John 's page . I did want to tell you about my eye surgery . It is great to be able to see even if it is only in one eye . I can see almost at 20 / 20 . I have worn glasses since I was nine . I was very near sighted , I guess I still am but the lens is implanted . I will have surgery on the 4th of September , on the other eye . It is funny because when I go to bed I try to take off my glasses , which I no longer have . What have I been doing ? I have spent most of my time dog sitting . I have spent more time with Maggie than my husband . Although we have a fenced in yard Maggie wants company . She loves to play . She knows how to get my attention . I don 't want her in the flower beds so into the flower beds she goes , and digs . We have the famous pool which needs to be treated but we can 't because she wants to get in . She has a small pool of her own which she loves but that doesn 't keep her from the bigger one . Yesterday she caught a bird . My daughter ( whos dog it is ) and I went to the doggie park twice . We thought if we went early there would not be many there , wrong . Maggie loved it . The problem we have is that she doesn 't come when called yet , and with the other dogs there it is hard to keep her with us . My house needs a lot of attention but I hate to put her in the crate , thats why I am sitting so she doesn 't have to stay in a crate . In the house she gets into trouble , wanting to tear up paper and cloth . I will close for now . |
July 1999 was the big beginning , of our family that is . Not long after came our four little girls , Teralyn ( Ter Bear ) , Shaylee ( Shayster ) , Ashtyn ( Ashty ) and Raegan ( Raegy ) . This is a blog of our adventures in our little town home in Maryland , hope you enjoy . . . Teralyn had her first piano recital yesterday ! Nicole Jensen ( her piano teacher ) , Holly King , and Heather Connor all combined their students for a recital at the Connor 's house . Well , it was great fun ! All the kids did so well . I was really impressed . I have to say though that I think I was more nervous than Tera . She was so calm through the whole thing while I was just shaking in the chair . Yes , she did mess up on one of her songs , but she calmly started again and kept going . So , on the way to the recital I remembered my camera , but by then it was too late ! I was pretty upset , but luckily my good friend Jenni was there to save the day ! Here are some pictures that she took for us . . . . Posted by Christmas Eve day was actually really relaxing this year . We had everything ready , so we got to relax a little as a family . Then , that night we headed on over to our friends house , the Turpins , for a little fondue . We had cheese fondue for dinner and then chocolate for dessert . We loved it ! We have done this a few years now because we are both family less during this time and every year we just have such a great time and eat so much ! Our kids had a blast playing video games downstairs and so we had a great evening . We then acted out the Nativity ( so sad that I forgot my camera ! ) and all the kids were so cute ! We headed on home and our girls all climbed into bed with Tera ( all on the top bunk ) and excitedly went to sleep ( at least I think they did ) . Bri and I watched Elf and laughed all evening while we prepared . The next morning we woke up before our girls ( around 5 : 30 ) , made some breakfast , put it in the oven , and then I went back to sleep ( : . Bri finally woke the girls ( and their mom ) around 7 : 00 and we had our annual candlelight breakfast before the Christmas rush . We had a great breakfast and then lined up youngest to oldest to go in to Christmas . This year was one of my favorites so far . The girls didn 't rush through things too much , but actually took time to wait for each other a little . They each get three presents from us and then a stocking from Santa . We asked them to wait for their sisters to open their gifts , so they would all do it at the same time , and they did a great job . It was a very fun morning . These were the gifts the girls got this year : Tera - American Girl Doll ( I know , we splurged a little ) , world globe , and Barbie head ( you can do her hair ) . Shaylee - Barbie laptop , karaoke machine ( maybe they actually will have the guts to sing in the talent show this year . Cross your fingers ! ) , and remote control dog . Ashtyn - Littlest Pet Shop , Leapster , and a new baby stroller . Raegan - blocks , more blocks , and turtle push toyEvery year Brian tries to surprise me with a gift . He is convinced that I am psychic Posted by Some of our Christmas traditions . . . We love to go to the Symphony of Lights down by the hospital . Every year we pay the twenty bucks and let our kids get out of their seat belts and the have free rein in the car while we all enjoy the lights . Bri even lets them drive . Yes I know , crazy ! But the kids love it and we really enjoy it too ! Gingerbread houses . I know this is pretty much everyone 's family tradition , but we started doing this about four years ago and have pictures from every year . One year my bro . who was on his mission here got to do it with us . Way fun ! Anyway , we finally finished this tradition this morning . So , we all had quite the sugar high right before church . Christmas lights at the temple . I love this ! Every year it is just the same , but the spirit is so strong and I love that my kids can also feel it . This year was really special to us . The live nativity scene was excellent and even brought tears to our eyes . I really wanted my little girls to understand the true meaning of Christmas and after watching it twice , Ashtyn was begging to go back . I love to take my girls to the temple and just feel the spirit that presides there . Advent Calendar . Okay so , this is our first year doing this since I just made it this year , but I think it will stick because my kids loved it ! We did a scripture advent calendar where every night we would turn over a star and read a scripture about the Saviour . It was a great way to keep the true meaning of Christmas and also a fun way to count down . . . . And this is one of my kids ' favorite tradition . On Christmas Adam ( the night before Christmas Eve ) Brian sleeps with the girls in their room . He makes a bed for himself on the floor and usually they all end up right next to him . Yes , everyone is tired in the morning , but it is so worth it ! My kids love this . Then on Christmas Eve night , the girls get to sleep in each other 's beds . It usually ends up with us moving them in the night . . . . Although this tradition hasn 't happened yet , this is definitely my favorite , so I have to tellPosted by Okay , two things happened this last Wednesday that I just have to write about . One was that Raegan finally crawled ! We were so excited . She has been scooting around on her tummy for quite some time now and just the day before , we were wondering if she was ever going to use her knees , but on Wednesday she did ! Ashty and I got a cute video of her first little crawls . . . . That was the good news . The bad news was that that night Teralyn and I had gone to piano lessons and while we were driving home , we came to a roundabout off of Stephen 's Road and a pickup truck didn 't stop as he was coming into the roundabout and hit us on the back passenger side door . The window shattered all over the back seat and the door was smashed in , but Tera and I were just fine . The driver of the pickup truck said he didn 't see us ( I 'm assuming he thought we were going to turn and not stay in the roundabout ) . He was actually really apologetic and we were just grateful that Tera wasn 't on the other side of the car . So , here are some pictures of our car and our serran wrap that we taped to the window . . . . It 's kind of funny that just the other day I was telling Bri how sad I felt for people who get in wrecks right before Christmas . Yes , it 's such a pain to have to get a rental , to find a good body shop , to take off work to get the rental car and take the other car to the shop , to coordinate with the insurance , etc . etc . , but just tonight we were saying how grateful we are that it wasn 't our fault and that we have never been in a life threatening accident . What more could we ask for right ? Especially considering the way my husband drives . At least now I have a good story . Every first Saturday in December Brian 's work at the Applied Physics Laboratory has a family Christmas party . Every year we are sooo excited to go ! This year they had Dora the Explorer and Boots walking around , they had all you can eat ice cream bars , a yummy lunch and dessert , Santa Claus , face painting , magic show and a one man circus show . Our kids love it and we do too . This year was a little crazy . There were so many people there , it was almost hard to walk around . Ashtyn even got lost once in all the people and by the time we found her so was crying . Thankfully we got there early though , so we saw the shows and then sat on Santa 's lap when the second shows started . So , my girls have always been a little scared of Santa . I always just expect it . We stand in line the whole time and I make sure they know that they are going to be sitting on his lap and they seem fine about it , until we get there . Then they usually freak out a little . Well , this year was better . It was only Ashtyn that freaked out , so Tera and Shay just sat on his lap . It 's kind of funny that Ashtyn wasn 't scared of the gigantic Dora and Boots though and the older girls were . So , we got a picture of the older girls with santa and Ashtyn with Dora and Boots . I couldn 't get Ashtyn alone with Dora , so we have a cute little girl who was a little camera shy in the picture with her . It 's kind of a catch up week again . But , I am trying not to do a huge blog all in one day so I will do some over a few days instead . Every first Family Home Evening in December we go out to get our tree . We have gone to Home Depot every year , and this year we had thoughts of going to cut our own tree down , but as soon as we saw how cold it was , those thoughts were quickly washed away . So , we all headed down to Home Depot on the coldest night of the year so far . Well , because of the great weather , we were just about the only ones there ! It made it great for picking out a great tree . After about forty five minutes of looking and turning down ( oh , and making a potty trip in the middle ) , we finally decided on the fattest tree that we could find . We saw our friends from Columbia 2nd ward , the Laws , and they had come and gone before us . Oh well , we felt good about our fat little tree . A couple nights later we decorated our tree and it looks just like a family 's tree with four little kids who live there . We enjoy all the ornaments in one spot in the front . It really gives it character . Well , I guess the tree didn 't enjoy it too much though because at 2 : 30 in the morning we hear a huge crash . Yes , the tree had fallen . I guess it was a little top heavy . Brian decided to tie it up . Yes , our tree is now tied to our wall . At least it won 't fall again right ? Last Sunday I was released from the primary presidency after being in for five years ! ! And yes , I have loved every minute of it . Although I sometimes missed getting to know the sisters in the ward , I made some wonderful friends in the primary and loved being with and teaching those cute kids . When I first got in , I thought I would never get used to the two to three hour presidency meetings that we had every Wednesday , but after a while I learned to love them and they became almost my favorite part of my week ( : . I have to say though that I definitely have mixed feelings about being released . On the one hand , I am really excited to get enriched in Sunday school and relief society ( I know , that sounds weird , but it has been almost nine years since I have been in ! ) . But on the other hand , I will miss the my friends who I have worked so closely with for so long and feeling the sweet simple spirit that you get in primary . So , about three days before I was released and before the calling was even open , I had a feeling that I was going to be called as the compassionate service leader . I haven 't ever envied that calling and was actually shocked when Jeri said how much she loved it , so I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind and tried to ignore it . Well , it kept coming back and then when Jeri got called as 1st counselor in the primary presidency , I leaned over to Brian and said , " I know what my calling is going to be . " The next Sunday morning I was called . . . Okay , now that I think about it , I think that the Lord knew that I needed a little time to think it over in my head before I was called . I know it won 't be easy , but already I have a better attitude than I think I would have if I wasn 't a little prepared . I have a wonderful mentor who came before me and I 'm actually a little excited for my new calling . Who knew huh ? So , to my fellow ward sisters , If your husband 's haven 't already blocked our number from the amount of calls Brian makes , then you just better do it now . . . . ( : Well , Thanksgiving has come and gone and I forgot to get pictures of our yummy meal ! ! Oh well , maybe next year huh ? Anyway , it was a great day and we got to celebrate it with our friends , the Jensens . Every year around this time I get a little sad thinking about our families in Utah and Idaho who are all together . We are the only family on both sides who live far away and we miss out on a lot . Our girls don 't even know some of their cute cousins . We try to go back home every other year or so , but it still isn 't time enough to really get to know them . Well , it does make me a little sad , but I just have to say that I am so grateful for the wonderful friends and families we have made out here . Thank you for making it easier to be away from our family ! That is what I am most thankful for this year . Okay , on to the other stuff . . . Bri celebrated a birthday on Friday . He is now 32 . We celebrated by me sleeping in ( I really didn 't mean to ) and then we had a very relaxing day ( pretty good for black Friday huh ? ) and went for a fall hike by the Old Savage Mill . We found a beautiful waterfall and the girls all went with Brian right in the middle of it ( on a rock of course ) . They were thrilled about the whole thing and then Bri taught them how to throw ( yes , they are just learning ) . They threw sticks and rocks down the side of the river . Anyway , it was beautiful and such a fun outing . It was a great birthday . Then we came home for lasagna , birthday pie , and ice cream . So , as a tribute to my Brian on his birthday , these are some of things I love about him . . . Makes me feel like he has things under control ( even when he doesn 't ) Makes bets with me ( and always looses , by the way ) Listens to me , even when he 's watching the Jazz games Makes me laugh even when I 'm trying to be grumpywill go shopping for me whenever I don 't feel like itTakes the baby all night if she 's not sleepingLets me sleep in EVERY Saturday morning ( even on his birthday ) Lets me go shopping for myself whenever I want ( : Puts up with my complaining Gives me backrubs whPosted by You would think that we were over our eye problems , huh ? Well , it happened again . Last night Ashtyn was wearing her lovely princess dressup shoes and fell , hitting the banister and causing another black eye . I 'm just a little afraid what people are thinking now . I almost feel like I have to explain to everyone who sees her what happened , " you know , I really don 't abuse her ! " ( although you would think so sometimes when she wants to go with a certain someone in the ward and BEGS to not come back to me ! ) . Oh well , I guess she is destined for black eyes in her life . Oh , and for the record , I was out shopping at the time . . . ( : It 's been a crazy week ! It seems I am running and running now and never get a chance to sit down with my family anymore . Saturday night I finally got a chance to do that and loved it ! We stayed home and did puzzles most of the evening . It was so great to not be running around and it was so fun to spend some time with my girls . Those are definitely my favorite times , the times when I can just sit back at home and enjoy my cute kids and my husband . We just finished our annual primary program yesterday . It turned out really well . The kids all did a great job and the spirit was strong . I was reminded of how much I love these kids . Everyone of them I have learned to love these last five years . I have thought many times how close they are to the Lord and what a great example they are to me . I am so thankful for the time that I am able to spend with these choice spirits . I feel very humbled that I am able to be in their presence and to help them feel the spirit in their lives . I also have to say thank goodness for our wonderful primary teachers ! Our kids have some great teachers who are always there , prepared and most importantly teach by the spirit . I can 't say enough about that . Primary is where we learn the basics of the gospel that will take us up into the youth program and into adulthood . We need great people who will be an example to our kids and teach by the spirit . I think that we have that and I feel so lucky to be in a ward where my kids are learning the gospel not just at home , but they are really learning at church too . What better thing could I ask for for my children ? There is nothing more important to me than that . These teachers are helping us bring our children back to Heavenly Father and I am so very grateful for them . Oh my , so much to write about , where to start . . . . Feel free to skip to the interesting parts . ( : First of all , this last week Raegan has found out how to get on her knees ! Yes , she is rocking back and forth and will soon be crawling . So my house is not baby proofed . I guess I thought I had much more time than I do . It 's amazing how fast the time goes with your fourth . I can 't believe she is already five months ! The other thing that happened this week with Raegan is she tried her first solid foods . She has been eating like crazy lately and is always looking at our food longingly and not quite getting enough at each nursing , so we decided it was time . She actually is doing better with it than I remember any of my girls doing . Her tongue reflux is almost gone and she gets quite a good amount in her mouth ( which is really saying something for the first few feedings ) . Anyway , she is growing up and I am feeling quite sad about it . It seems I was always waiting for the days to pass with my first couple girls and now I am enjoying it so much , I guess because I realize now how fast it goes . Ashtyn just had to feed her and of course most of it is on her cheeks , I 'm really not sure if she got any in her mouth . . HalloweenThe night before Halloween we carved our pumpkins . The girls picked out how they wanted them carved ( although Ashtyn wanted a princess and I just didn 't feel that creative at the moment ) and Bri and I carved them . We then watched Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin ( or at least part of it ) and sent them off to bed . On Halloween day I got to go help Shay with her party during class . It was very fun to see all the cute costumes and especially that Shaylee matched her teacher . They were both cowgirls ! I got a cute picture of that . The parade was cute , but I was not very happy with my Teralyn who hid from the camera ! ! Are we already to that stage ? When we got home from the parade , we put Ashtyn down for a quick nap ( she was quite grumpy ) . Well , I guess I wasn 't thinking about the time that she needs to recoop after a Brenda First , before I talk about all our eye problems , I just want to say how much I love my friends and their families who have been going through such a hard time right now . We have had an incident with a stranger in our church recently and it has affected so many wonderful people . My heart goes out to them and I am constantly praying for their sweet families . We sure love you and are slowing trying to pick up and move on . It 's quite heart breaking to us all . Well , I thought I would tell about our crazy week . After our incident with Ashtyn last week with her black eye , we have had two more eye problems . The second one happened on Friday evening . I was quite excited because Bri was finally coming home early ( after months of working late ) and I was going to get a whole bunch of shopping and errands done . So , first I headed to the library . I got movie ( for the babysitting group that we had that night ) and got in my car ready to go to my next destination . My glasses were dirty so I took them off to clean them and they just snapped in my hand and the lens flew out in the car somewhere ! Well , I am pretty hooked on my glasses . I don 't have another option . I can 't wear contacts , and I have no other replacements ! Ahh ! What was I going to do ? I freaked out for a second , but then remembered what a handy husband I have ( he can usually fix my problems at least temporarily , but also calms me down a little ) . Luckily , I was close to home so I carefully drove home in the pouring rain and searched for my lens . Bri had a solution , super glue ! I was up for it . So , we super glued my glasses together and they work just great . I of course ordered a new pair from 39dollareyeglasses . com that night and prayed that mine would make it for a few more days . So now I am with glasses that are dirty ( I 'm afraid to clean them for fear of another breakage ) , and may be a little embarrassing , ( at least it 's not tape right ? ) but work just great . The other incident we had this week was that my little three year old poked Teralyn in the eye three times . I knPosted by We are having a few problems with church . Well not exactly with church , but with after church . This is the problem . It takes me a while to get my things together after primary . We have to wait for all the boxes and folders to come in , we straighten and put away all the chairs , we clean up from our sharing times etc . Well , while we are doing this , Bri rounds up our kids and drops them off in the primary room with me . Then he leaves and cleans the chapel and empties all the garbages , oh and usually finds someone to talk to . While he is doing this , and I am getting my things together , there is a party going on in the primary room with all the kids who are waiting for their parents . Kids are everywhere . Kids are on the podium , on the piano , on each other and especially in the cupboard with the secret treat that isn 't really a secret anymore ( does this remind you of a Curious George book or what ? ) Well , it doesn 't help that they all pretty much missed their afternoon naps too . So , after yesterday , I now have proof of how bad it is . Ashtyn has a black eye . Yes , she was running around and got in a huge collision with about two other kids and got a head bunt right in the eye . Okay , so we have had multiple family home evening lessons on reverence and I don 't know how many times I have asked my kids not to run in the church . Hmmm . . . . you think they would know by now huh ? When we asked Shay what primary was on today she even said reverence . That was pretty ironic . Granted , Ashtyn did say she was sorry for running after it was all said and done . I wonder if she actually learned her lesson . We shall see next week huh ? I now need another method of rounding up my kids , since this one isn 't working . Keep in mind that my family and I are usually the last ones out of the building ( or at least close to it ) . If you have any suggestions , please let me know . In the mean time , enjoy the pictures . . . ( : Sunday nightMonday morning I went to a beautiful baptism yesterday for Alyssa Walburger and Darina Pierre - Louise . Alyssa has been such a great example to Darina and invited her to church for quite a long time . Now they both have testimonies and were able to get baptized on the same day . It was a wonderful baptism and I 'm so proud of those little girls . It just goes to show that anyone can do missionary work . Okay so , I have been feeling a great push to get my years supply of food storage . Partly because when my mom came out she saw how piddly it was and started worrying about us . Then , my in laws came out in August and I guess they felt the same thing so they decided to send us some money to get a jump start on it . I guess I can 't delay this any longer huh ? In the past I have had about a two month supply , but definitely not a years supply , so here goes . . . . I have to admit that it scares me a little . I know that sounds weird , but for so long I have heard of getting years supply and in my mind I see buckets and buckets of wheat that I never use because I don 't have a wheat grinder and I hardly ever make bread . . . . Hmmm . . The water also scares me . I have to clean every container I use with bleach and then make sure it 's in a safe container that won 't leak and also find the space for all the water . Well , I decided that I just have to do it and if it goes into our unfinished bedroom ( that we have the plans to finish in the next year ) then so be it . So , after the baptism I quickly fed Raegan and headed down to the church store house to do some dry pack . I got there a little late , but they were just starting so it turned out fine . I ended up with 34 # 10 cans of food ! Yay ! I can 't believe I 'm so excited about food storage . I guess the thing that I need to remember is that you need to get food storage that you actually use . Then you can rotate through it and you won 't waste those buckets and buckets of wheat that you have . So , if anyone wants to go again , we can make reservations every 3rd Saturday with our stake . Just let me know and I would love to goPosted by I just finished reading a book that Sarah Brown reccomended to me about hmmm . . . six months ago ? She gave it to me right before Raegan was born and well , I just barely finished it . Mind you , I had a little bit going on in my life . Now that things are back to normal ( at least sometimes ) I find time to read again and I am loving it ! Well , the book is called The Legend of Holly Claus . I have to say it was a little hard for me to get into because I just couldn 't think about Christmas when it was ninety degrees outside . Well , turns out it wasn 't really about Christmas and it was quite fun to read . The whole basis of the book was on faith and letting go of fear . At the same time it was entertaining and a book that I could read again ( which I rarely do ) . Anyway , thank you Sarah for the book and for letting me keep it for so long ! Oh , and Cami I still have your books and will return them . . . . next year or so . So the other day I read or skimmed , rather , an article that said sixty something percent of people spend more time with their personal computers than their spouse . It made me laugh and I thought , " hmmm . . . we 'll never be like that . I like my spouse too much " . Well , I think it has happened . Since we got our new computer , we now have two computers up and running at our house , so that means we can both be on at the same time . Okay so , I am not really into the lastest and greatest of everything , but Bri has been wanting this computer for so long and I thought he deserved it ( since everything we buy is usually for me ) . Of course , I didn 't want a new computer , I mean who would want to spend my days blogging or checking email , or even shopping . ( : Well , to be honest , it 's been great , but I am not sure if it 's improving my relationship with my spouse or not . Of course the obvious answer would be that it 's not . Why would it be ? I mean if I spend less time with him than it 's got to be doing the opposite right ? Well , actually it very well could be improving it . When our kids are in bed at night we each go to the computer , do our blog or our programming ( he 's doing it for fun at home since he doensn 't get to do it at work ) , and we are enjoying our time with eachother ( in the same room , does that count ? ) . Instead of being resentful that the other person is on the computer when we need or want it , we can both be on at the same time . The other thing we used to do is not get on it at all in the evening because that would mean one person is stuck doing laundry or bills and the other is doing email , blogging , or programming ( the fun stuff ) . Well , now we have the best of both worlds and we are doing it together . Don 't get me wrong , we still enjoy eachother 's company , but not until we have had our time with the computer . Shay came home with a huge rip in her shorts . She said it happened on the playground today , poor girl . It was huge , right on her bottom . Then , when we got home , I was searching her backpack for papers and found a note from the school nurse . Apparently , she had gotten kicked in the head today , but no serious bruises ( as stated by the nurse ) . So then , at dinner time we were talking and she said , " I was sad that a few people in my class didn 't like my hair today . " I asked her what she was talking about and she said that a few kids in her class told her they didn 't like her braids . Well , after prodding it a little , I found out that her teacher said she liked her hair and asked the rest of the class if they liked it and most raised their hand , but some didn 't . What a tough day ! Well , despite everything that went wrong , I was surprised by her attitude . It made me laugh to see a huge hole in her shorts and we even walked today home from school , but she wasn 't too embarrassed , she was mostly sad that her favorite shorts were ruined . I was actually relieved that they had a hole , I was getting a little sick of them . She didn 't even complain about her kick in the head , but asked me if I got the note . She also didn 't seem too bothered that the kids didn 't like her hair , but she was more happy that her teacher liked it . Hmmm . . . . . who knew ? I 'm just realizing that every day is an adventure with Shay . Can 't wait to see what tomorrow will bring ( : This weekend was General conference . I love having Dish Network because we get to stay home as a family and watch it on television . It was wonderful , as it always is . We sustained Elder Eyring as our 2nd counselor in the first presidency and Elder Cook as the new apostle . I also have to say that it was great to have a little rest from all the Sunday activities . We all slept in ( or at least I did ) and we made our traditional chips and seven layer dip . Very relaxing and enjoyable weekend and now I have a million things that I need to work on too . ( : Tonight I heard a funny conversation between my girls , I thought I would share . They were all in bed and I went up to put something away and heard them talking , so I had to stop and listen . . . Shay , " Tera , will you please go get dad ? " Tera , " No Shay " Shay , " Why Tera ? I need him ! " Tera , " No , it 's too scary . " Shay , " Our closet isn 't scary Tera , and our house isn 't creepy . " Tera , " It 's not our house that 's scary Shay , it 's getting dad that is scary . " Shay , " Please Tera , will you go get him ? " Tera , " If you 're not scared , then why don 't you go get him ? " Shay , " Will you go with me Tera ? " Tera , " No Shay . " Shay , " But , I really , really need him Tera , please ? " At this point , I was laughing too hard to keep quiet anymore . I came downstairs and told Bri and he made his way up there to a daughter who acted like she would die if she didn 't talk to her dad , but when he got there , couldn 't think of what to say . . . figures . ( : Gotta love kids huh ? Just some pictures of Raegan after bathAnd rolling on the floor . . . When Brian first got his job at the APL he loved it ! We couldn 't have been happier with it . He was doing computer programming and working on interesting things ( Tomahawk missile ) . It had great benefits and he never had to work longer than forty hours a week . He was very content . > Well , about three years later , they asked him to be project manager . At first he refused because he wanted to be doing technical work . They promised him that he would still have time for that , but just a few more responsibilities . Well , turns out he had a LOT more responsibilities and no time for programming . He really didn 't enjoy it and to top it all off , there was no pay raise , but just a huge hike in responsibilities . As a result , he switched groups at the lab hoping to start over and work on some things that he enjoys . Things were going great again for about half a year . He was really enjoying work again and he was also learning some great stuff . After a while , his supervisor came to him and asked him to take over as a project manager . Of course he said no , this was why he switched groups in the first place . He wanted to do technical work . He supervisor said no one else in the group could handle this and he really needed Brian to step up . He promised him it would only be temporary and that he would spend most of his time programming . After some convincing Brian agreed thinking it would only be a temporary change . Of course , it wasn 't . It has now been about a year and we are back to Brian really not enjoying his job ! He sits in meetings all day and is basically the liaison between the sponsor and the APL . It also means many many more hours at work and time away from his family ( which he HATES ! ) . If you really know Brian , you will know how hard it is for him to be away from us . He is definitely a family man ( loves to be at home with us ) and does not enjoy putting extra hours in if he doesn 't have to . He keeps reassuring me that he is not becoming a workaholic , but that it will be over soon , and if they don 't take him out soon , he will Posted by So , about a year ago we started talking to Teralyn about what she would like to do ( as far as activities ) . She is not so thrilled with sports and we didn 't have a piano yet , so there wasn 't much to choose from . We had already tried ballet and liked it , but it wasn 't something that we thought would hold for her . Anyway , after thinking about it for a while , we decided it would be fun to get her into horse back riding lessons . Yes , I know , EXPENSIVE ! Well , we called a few places and realized how much it was and then put it off . It has now been over a year since we promised Teralyn that she could take lessons . When we moved to our current house , she befriended a girl in her first grade class who became her best friend . Of course , she rides horses . To top that off , she has also become really good friends with a girl in our neighborhood who takes horse back riding lessons . We didn 't stand a chance after that . Finally , after promising for quite a while , we decided to check it out . Every Saturday afternoon at the Columbia Horse Center there is a free lesson at 1 : 00 . So we met there , ( Brian had to meet us since work has been a little crazy lately ) and the girls ( Teralyn and Shaylee ) got to take an hour lesson on horse back . The girls had a blast ! We were wondering why in the world we ever payed for a little horse ride for about five minutes which costs about five bucks , when we could have come here . It was great ! Well , maybe a little too great . By the time they were done , we had no chance of getting out of it . Actually we had a small one . . . we had told Tera all along that if she wanted to join she could , but we really had no intention of Shay joining ( she has basketball ) . We made it clear to Shay that she would have to wait and she was very sweet about it . She knew from the get go that it was just for Tera . Okay so , it was so hard to resist . When we saw how much they both enjoyed it ( which is saying something for my girls who are scared of butterflies ! ) , and how sweet Shay was about waiting , we broke our self control and lPosted by Okay , so this last week has been a little crazy . I am relieved it 's over . Let me recap it . As you know , Teralyn 's birthday was Monday . So on Tuesday , Raegan turned four months ( I will put some pictures in at the bottom ) and Brian left for Boston ( a business trip for a few days ) . So that night I was sitting at the computer and wouldn 't you know it , I hear a mouse eating something under the piano ! ! ! I could have died ! I detest mice more than anything in the world . One time in our apartment in Logan I saw one and I grabbed Teralyn and waited all day on the couch for Brian to get home ! Well , I guess it was just my luck that the day that he left , I find a mouse in my house . I quickly ran upstairs and of course dreamed all night about it and couldn 't sleep . I even put sneakers on to feed Raegan in the night . Ahhh ! Well , Wednesday morning we walked to school and then I went to presidency meeting until 12 : 00 . Then I came home and put Raegan and Ashtyn down for a nap and stayed upstairs until I had to pick up my other girls at 3 : 30 . That night we had to be home because we were taking someone dinner ( I just made sure I wore tennis shoes all day ) . I was planning on going to Target to get some traps , but my kids were tired and hungry so I decided I could wait one more night . I called Bri that night to let him feel my pain ( I don 't really think he did though , he has no idea how much I hate mice ! ) . He assured me that it wouldn 't go upstairs though so I was fine to be in our room . So I quickly rushed to bed , where I was safe , thinking I could get a few chapters in my book read before going to sleep . Wouldn 't you know it , the mouse decided to join me and just when I started reading it ran into my room and up into the loft ! ! ! By this time I was going crazy ! I turned on a light downstairs , hoping it would go down and jumped into the middle of my bed and prayed it wouldn 't come in with me ! There goes another sleepless night . I did finally fall to sleep , but only to dream all night about Ratatouille . So far I hadn 't told my kids abouPosted by |
The other man 's stare had no effect on Chris . He was only trying to make him uncomfortable and weaken his defenses so that he would reveal information . That wouldn 't work - Chris only intended to reveal information he was willing to part with or that would benefit him in some way . He was very good at hiding secrets . " Natalie wasn 't the only one I didn 't see much , " he started to explain , his voice adopting a more casual and calmer tone . " None of them came around much . I guess they view us as the outcasts . . . I dunno . " He glanced up , now making a point to look the officer directly in the eye . " All I know is I don 't like them either . Two can play at that game . Respect goes both ways and if they 're not willing to extend it to us , than I 'm not willing to bend over backwards to appease them . " He allowed himself to smile then , obviously thinking about something only he was privy to . " I keep telling Naomi that we need to move to get away from all of the drama , but she never listens . Maybe this will be the kick she needs to make the right choice . " Reclining back , it appeared that he was done with his little tirade , but then another thought crossed his mind and he allowed his voice to drop to a near whisper . " There is one other thing , " he revealed cryptically , glancing around briefly as if he half expected someone else to be watching . He wouldn 't be surprised if that really were the case . " Natasha . . . she was hiding something . I saw the look on her face when Pat drug her out of here . I don 't know what you said to her , but you rattled her pretty good . " Robert stood , shook hands with Chris while thanking him for his time , and led him out to the waiting room . From there he took another family member inside . Sometime in the next few minutes , a conversation between Naomi and Christopher transpired that resulted in them deciding to head on home because of a lack of any other reason to stay . Once they arrived home , Christopher would eventually head up to the bedroom . And he might possibly notice something . Under the bed . A bra could be seen sticking out . And he had known he had seen Naomi clean under the bed that morning . She wasn ? t a messy woman . Why would her bra be under the bed ? ? Yes , Kareen . Time of death is . . . around 6 : 30p . m . ? The Medical Examiner , Rachael Harp , replied . ? Listen , Kareen , ? Rachael seemed to be whispering . ? I have something . Something that might turn out to be important . I don ? t know yet , and I don ? t want to say anything over the phone , but . . . I think it might be someone you don ? t wanna mess with . ? Rachael sounded scared . ? Dammit , Kareen , I ? m scared . ? Kareen suppressed a groan of exasperation . Could tonight possibly get any worse ? What had Rachael found out ? And what " someone " was she talking about ? But if Rachael didn 't want to say anything over the phone , Kareen could go down to Rachael 's office herself - - plus it gave her an excuse to get away from the station , and avoid the Caspers . " I 'm on my way there , okay ? " She sent Robert another text to let him know where she had gone , then made the short drive to the cororner 's . As she entered examination room , Kareen tried not to look at the body Rachael was dissecting . There was no one else there , but Kareen kept her voice low . " So what 's going on , Rachael ? " ? I discovered something . ? Rachael whispered . She led Kareen to the back of the room . ? But I don ? t know for sure . Maybe I shouldn ? t even be worried , but . . . ? Rachael walked over to her computer . ? Stay back . I need to ask you a few things and tell me if it sounds right . ? Rachael said softly . ? Alright - ? Out of nowhere , the computer exploded into pieces . Kareen backed off , shielding her face from the shards of glass that suddenly went flying across the room . What the * * * * ? ! Rachael collapsed back on the floor . After the silence took over , Rachael wasn ? t moving . She just laid there . Kareen knelt beside her , checking her pulse , pulling her phone out of her pocket and put it on speaker , beginning CPR as she called 911 for an ambulance . " This is Detective Gillis , I am at the Riverview Coroner 's office , we just had some kind of explosion here , we need immediate medical and fire assistance . " The second time Kareen had called 911 in the past few hours . They agreed that they would come quickly . The police station was only a couple of minutes away . As they waited , blood leaked from many scratches on Rachael ? s face . She had been beautiful , before this . Brown hair , brown eyes . Transfer from Portland , actually , though she had never spoken much about it to Kareen . She opened her eyes to a slit . Ragged breathe came from her burnt and sliced throat . ? Kareen . . . ? She wheezed , ? You have to . . . know . . . who . . . ? She tried to lean up . She collapsed back on the floor . The life was slowly draining from her , even as the police sirens grew closer . ? You have to . . . know that . . . it was . . . ? The sirens blocked out Rachael ? s words . ? It was . . . ? Rachael dropped her head on the floor , her eyes rolling to the back of her head . She began to have a seizure , jerking up and down on the floor . ? Kareen ! ? Robert was there again . It was like dà © jà vu . He took Rachael from Kareen , and yet again he tried to save another woman . Paramedics arrived , and they indeed tried to save her also . She backed off once the paramedics arrived , shaking uncontrollably as they tried to save Rachael - - but just as with Natalie , their efforts were to no avail . Rachael Harp , the nobody from Portland , was dead . The cops dismissed him a short time later without a cause for concern , allowing the couple to return home . In the end , it had been a short interview and Chris was thankful that he hadn 't been forced to wait with the rest of the family for the remainder of the night . Apparently he had said the right things to the cop and that 's all that mattered . They had bought his story . When he finally managed to stagger up the stairs to the bedroom , the bedside clock was already reading 2 : 17 a . m . Getting up for work in the morning was going to be hell , but a necessity . It was the last week before the brief holiday break for Thanksgiving and he had plenty to take care of in that short time span . He couldn 't afford to miss a day and that 's why he wasted no time in shedding his clothes until he was dressed only in a pair of shorts . Sitting down on the plush bed , Chris reached over to set the alarm clock and accidentally bumped a framed picture with the back of his hand , causing it to tumble from the nightstand and onto the floor . A curse slipped from his lips as he slid from the bed and knelt down to retrieve it . Picking it up , he took note that a single crack now ran down the length of the glass frame that displayed a photograph of Naomi and himself on a weekend getaway from this past summer . He ran his thumb over the crack , as if his touch would magically cause the blemish to disappear . . . and then stopped as he caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye . The object was resting under the bed a short distance away , barely visible through the shadows being cast down upon it . Setting the broken picture back up on the nightstand facing down , Chris leaned forward and tucked his head under the bed as he grabbed the suspicious object , allowing the strap to drape over his fingers as he pulled it back towards him . His face screwed up in a mixture of both disbelief and embarrassment as he realized exactly what it was he was holding . A bra . He scoffed at the notion of Naomi hiding her garments under the bed . . . like some sort of game . But then he realized that didn 't fit her personality at all . Why would she - - His cellphone began to ring at that moment , piercing the silence as it began to blare " [ link = http : / / youtu . be / sfR _ HWMzgyc ] Kashmir [ / link ] " by Led Zeppelin . The sound made him jump , causing him to slam the back of his head against the bed . Another colorful flurry of curses flew from his lips as he staggered backward , allowing the undergarment to drop from his grip as he reached up and scrambled for his phone . The screen displayed only two simple initials : " J . M . " Chris immediately recognized the caller and he felt his breath catch in his throat as he quickly silenced the noise and lifted the device to his ear . He didn 't allow the conversation to go much further than that . It was too risky . " Look , I can 't talk now . . . I 'll just - - you know what , call me tomorrow - - wait , better yet . . . I 'll call you . Bye . " This was bad . . . very bad . Two people dead in less than six hours - - and Kareen was the only one with Rachael when the computer exploded ; not good . They had another crime scene to process , and another M . E . would have to be called in , but just now , Kareen needed a moment for her brain to catch up with what had just happened . " She figured out who did it , " she realized . " She . . . she wanted to tell me , " she explained to Robert . " I called her for the time of death ; she said she 'd found something else - - someone we should watch out for . She sounded scared , and she didn 't want to say over the phone , so I came here to talk to her in person . She went to show me something on the computer and . . . and it . . . " She couldn 't finish , and tears began to streak across her face again . ? Kareen . ? Robert took her by the shoulders and made her face him . ? Kareen , just listen to me . You came over here with me . Remember . ? Robert stared hard at her . ? She called you , but you decided to just go ahead and tell me too . So we were getting ready when 911 called us . Rachael called 911 and we came over here separately because you were going to head home for the night . We tried to save her , but we couldn ? t . ? ? Listen . ? He was whispering now . ? I know you had nothing to do with this , but I can ? t have you getting blamed for it . You just have to trust me and we have to get through this night . ? ? Now obviously you ? re freaked out . Maybe you should just head on home . I ? ll tell Chief . It ? ll be okay . Just head home , get your sleep , and come back in the morning . I covered most of the interviews anyway . So just go . ? Robert began to lead her out of the building . As stressed out as she was , she wasn 't distracted enough to not realize what Robert was suggesting . " You mean lie ? " Robert , have you lost your mind ? " As much as she knew that this looked suspicious , the evidence would certainly show that she 'd had nothing to do with the explosion . And such a lie as Robert was suggesting would be quickly discovered , then they 'd really be in trouble . He did have one valid point , though : Kareen should not take part in processing this scene - - until the evidence cleared her , she would do better not to compromise that evidence by handling it . " I 'm going back to the station , to fill out my statement on this incident , then I will go home . " But Robert . . . I won 't lie . " As she turned to go back to her car , she muttered to herself , " I 've got enough problems as it is . " ? Please , don ? t take that wrong way . I was just looking out for you . ? He gazed at her with a sense of honor . ? You are someone I admire and wish I was more like . ? ? You are the best damn cop I ? ve seen in my career . And I don ? t want to see it end because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time . ? She couldn 't hide her surprise at the compliment . " . . . Thank you , Robert . " She briefly wondered if he had any idea that her career was already hanging by a thread , and Heather Casper was holding the scissors . " I needed to hear that . It 's been a very . . . difficult night . " If I don 't see you back at the station before I leave , I 'll see you in the morning . " He had been to crime scenes before . Not few had been his own . Well , his own crimes , but it was different if they made you a victim . Or your family . He stepped out of the car and left the cigar inside to make sure he did not contaminate the crime scene . Pushing his black leather gloves over his hands he stepped there . Palmer led him to the scene . He fgollowed her , hearing things he could see with his own eyes . Blunt instrument . Could be something spontaneous or simply something brutal . Or they made it look like it . the suspects went through his head . Blunt instruments , more like a man 's work . ? You are free to look for yourself . I ? ll go back and try to calm everyone down . ? She placed a hand on his arm and looked into his eyes . He would be able to tell she was almost in tears . ? It ? s hit all of us hard . ? " Thank you . " he said and then slapped her hand away . His eyes got that look . the look that made clear that every ressource he commanded would be dedicated to see her suffer , if she ever did that again . " And no , you cannot leave . " He then said . Small town cops . He made them and he destroyed them . They were here to keep things in order , not to order him . " Who are the suspects ? " He asked then . He took his cigar into his mouth and looked at the other cops , who were a little away . " Don 't worry if you don 't wanna tell me . I 'll find out anyway . just the question if you become my friend today or my enemy . Someone will tell you . Damned , I can just vote to have to or three deputies fired if I want in the next city council . You are still city - financed , right ? And Sylvester that corrupt bastard ? He 'll try to make it three . " He gave her a smile that made sure she understood he could do a lot more than that . " So who have you taken in ? Who got checked ? Who is on your list ? " Tag : Spy Riverview Police Station ? What ? ? Amy asked her son . ? Mommy ? What are you talking about ? You haven ? t called me Mommy in years . What did Susanna say ? " ? Huh ? ? Xander said realizing he was still holding the phone in his hand . ? Oh , not you . ? He stammered as he hung up the phone . ? It wasn ? t something that Susanna said , but someone else in the room with her . ? Xander wasn ? t sure how much he should say , but the filters that had once been in place were removed by the shock he was experiencing . Part of him didn ? t want to confront his mom with this , but he just couldn ? t resist any longer , ? Mom , did Natalie have a child ? A child with me ? Did you know about this ? ? With every bone in his body he hoped the answer to the last question was ? No ? because he couldn ? t take any more lies and deceit at that very moment . TAG : spycoder Elizabeth withdrew as if her hand had been burned . This man was not like she had perceived him at his gala . He had changed . And not for the better . Maybe the circumstance brought out the worst in people . Especially in Mordecai Casper . Elizabeth got out her cellphone and called the station . After speaking for several minutes to different people , she closed her phone and looked at Mordecai . Tears were in her eyes , but this time from shock and embarrassment . ? At the station , they . . . they said that . . . ? Elizabeth looked away , ? They don ? t have anything for sure . . . but . . . your wife gave your granddaughter some money today . It was at a tea . And . . . Officer Gillis . . . she asked her about and your wife wouldn ? t tell her . And then . . . we asked your daughter Natasha about it . . . And she just told us about your great grandson . ? ? Shut up and get over there ! ? He nodded and ran off . ? Sorry , but we just got a report . Someone just died at the corner ? s office . ? She stood uncomfortably for a minute . ? I really don ? t know what else to say . No one in your family is exactly cleared except for maybe your son - in - law Christopher Nichols . But that is depending on what time exactly Natalie died . ? She was slowly regaining composure . ? Now , Mr . Casper , that is all I know . I ? m sorry if maybe you wanted more , but for the moment we have two dead people within six hours . We are overwhelmed by not only your family , but also many other people who are just coming to be nosy . Maybe if you made a public statement or something to keep them busy . ? She continued her long stare at him . ? You wife is also at the station . She ? s going to stay until you get over there . We don ? t know much yet , Mr . Casper . We are working as hard as we can , but whoever murdered Natalie . . . they were good at it . And if you ask me , I ? m guessing this murder at the corner ? s office might have to do with Natalie . ? " I 've got to go . Just go home and sleep . You need some . We 'll work it out tomorrow . " She patted him on the cheek lovingly . OOC : Great posting people . We should have another player , and another one is considering a part . I love the storylines , and I like to see the characters developing . I 'll wait on tjace today , Han . Having fun ! />/>/> She managed to keep her unsteady composure long enough to make it back to her car , but as soon as she shut the door , the tears started again , and she couldn ? t hold them back any more . She cried for a few minutes , feeling like she ? d just had one of the worst days in her life ? this even gave the day of Katherine ? s phone call a run for its money . When she got a hold of herself again , she drove herself back to the station . When she arrived , some of her colleagues immediately started asking her what was going on . Kareen gave as little information as she possibly could ? she really did not want to talk about this right now ? before retreating to her office to write out her statement ; she dropped off the paperwork on Robert ? s desk after she finished , and he could give it to Amy later . Kareen had had enough for one night , and she was going home . Patrick was staring right at her . He had the car keys in his hand , and out the glass doors it was obvious Katherine was getting Devon in their car . It was late . ? Um . . . uh . . . ? Patrick was blushing now . ? I know Mom said something about . . . you know . ? He rubbed the back of his neck . ? I ? m sorry . . . about everything . ? He stood for several minutes . ? I didn ? t want any of this to happen , and I apologize . It was my fault , and I accept full responsibility . So uh . . . see you around . ? So many emotions were coursing through her at the moment , for a second she couldn ? t decide which was most prominent . But her newfound fear of Heather quickly overrode everything else . ? Look , Patrick ? thank you , but now really is not a good time . And honestly ? it ? s probably better for both of us if we keep our distance . ? ? ? Goodbye , ? Kareen replied , more out of politeness than anything else . Part of her was still angry with him . At least he had apologized , though it probably would have meant more if it had come some months earlier , when she had wanted it ? needed it ? most . Besides that , Kareen seriously doubted that anything Patrick could do or say at this point would get Heather off her back . As Patrick reached for the door , Kareen spoke up again . ? Patrick ? ? When he turned back to her , she continued , ? I ? I ? m sorry , too . For any trouble or embarrassment I caused you . For any pain I caused . ? Tell Katherine that , too . ? She had tried to apologize to Katherine when they had spoken over the phone , all those months ago , but Katherine had been so angry and irrational , Kareen didn ? t think she ? d heard a word Kareen had said . Maybe now she might be a little more willing to listen . Maybe . " Gread - grandson , hm ? " He waved his hand to tell her to get away and took out his cigar . Walking away he lit it and thought . A second dead body and professionals . It smelled like Sylvester . But it could be several others . It could be made to look like Sylvester . The Man from New york would bring a little light to the whole thing . If anybody could , it was him . and certainly not these amateurs of small town chiefs . He took out his mobile and typed the number of his lawyer . " It is me . I need you to get my wife out of the police station with no further questions answered and then I need you bring her to me . I 'll be waiting one block south in my limousine . Yes now . I pay you double . " He cut the line and allowed a few breath of smoke into his lungs before nodding and making his way back to his car . Tag : Spy Matthew Clinton hung up his home phone and got out of bed . He rubbed his head , his eyes sore . He was extremely tired , and had went to bed extra early that night , but he knew that when Mordecai Casper called him in the middle of the night and told him he had to get some things done . . . he got up . His wife opened her eyes and murmured a question as to where he was going . He only kissed her cheek once , whispered that a client needed him , and hurried to the bathroom . After combing his hair , brushing his teeth , splashing water in his eyes , and putting his contacts in , he put on one of his best suits . Straightening his tie in the mirror , he wondered why he had chosen to represent Mordecai . Everyday he feared that something would come out . Something would end his life prematurely . But as he looked around , working for Mordecai had given him many things that would ? ve been inaccessible before . [ image = http : / / images1 . gossipcenter . com / sites / default / files / imagecache / story _ header / photos / matthew - McConaughey - 04042011 - 4 . jpg ] Matthew poured a quick cup of coffee and rushed out the door . When he got in his Porsche , he realized he had forgotten his Marlboros . He decided to just not go back and get them . After speeding out of the small suburban community he and his family lived in , he drove straight by the Riverview Park . And when he saw the police cars , media outlets , and many onlookers , he realized something bad had happened . He sped to the police station and rushed inside . He noticed the waiting room to his right , and a grieving Heather Casper could be seen . He walked into the waiting room . ? Mrs . Casper , your husband asked for me to pick you up . ? Heather nodded , picked up her purse , and walked out of the waiting room with the young lawyer . As they were leaving , a local news station reporter attempted to stop them . ? No response . No response . No response . ? While he said those words , he noticed Heather weeping by his side . She had put on just enough weeping , Matthew believed . Once Matthew arrived where he was directed to , Mordecai ? s limousine arrived . Oscar stared at Matthew through the tinted window with a rattled expression . It looked like he had been through hell and back . Matthew opened the door for Heather and walked over to the limo together . ? Mr . Casper ? ? Matthew asked as he stood his ground with the man . Matthew more respected Mordecai than anything . He had built his own business with his own hands and had made Riverview what it was today . Maybe not by the best ways possible , but now it was the only way to do it . Matthew despised Nigel Sylvester . The man was a snake in its most evil form . Don ? t stick your hand out to held him - he ? ll just snap out and pretty soon you end at the end of a gun . Matthew knew from experience . TAG : Fin OOC : Anne , I 'm going to let others try to catch up by the end of episode four . At the end of it , a little time jump to the following morning will come . So everyone , be looking forward to a time jump and get your posts in . Naomi had had to make small talk and comfort the rest of the family , as if she wasn ? t feeling terrible for the loss of Natalie herself . Katherine , her brother , Patrick ? s , wife , had been especially bad . As if Naomi didn ? t feel terrible about going to that party instead of seeing Natalie one last time . After a couple hours of waiting to be interrogated , her nerves had finally run out . Once Chris had gotten out , she had insisted on returning home immediately . The overworked police officers approved , and as Chris obviously didn ? t want to hang around either , home they went . Chris went straight upstairs , while Naomi went into the kitchen . She reached into a cupboard for some ibuprofen , as her hangover had allied with her fatigue , and it felt like her head was about to explode . She waited a few minutes to let the medicine get absorbed into her system , and then followed her husband to their bedroom . She checked her watch on the way up the stairs . Two a . m . She hadn ? t gone into a lab with less than six hours of sleep since she was an undergrad at Brown . It was as clean as she had left it , but Chris looked like a mess . Then again , I do too . Naomi went over and sat next to her husband . Through her exhaustion , she wondered what Riverview was coming to . It was much more easier than I imagined it would be . It had not took much effort at all . I was amazed , at how simple it had been . They always talk about difficult it would be . How wrong it was . The guilt . The pain . But they were all wrong . Fate took a stand . She was not meant to see me , but things happen for a reason . I understand now . Ohh , but the look in her eyes was worth it . She knew the reason . Knew the pain she had caused . And I knew at that exact moment , that I had done the right thing . No . That was not correct . She was DESTINED to die . She was a threat . A lie . So little Miss Perfect . Everyone 's sweetheart , who could do no wrong . But that was a lie too . And soon everyone would see her for what she was . And that sweet little house of cards that she and her family had built would soon come falling down around them all . This was way too much for Kareen to deal with on her own , and she desperately wanted to get some of it off her shoulders and off her chest , but at the same time , there wasn ? t really anyone she could talk to about this . Kareen didn ? t have a lot of friends in Riverview ? Amy and Robert were the only ones she really talked to , but she couldn ? t discuss this with them . Any other time , she simply would have called her mother in Portland , but it was crazy late at night and as much as Kareen wanted to talk to her , she didn ? t want to wake her mother up over this . ? Kareen ! Thank the Lord you called me ! ? Hannah Gillis ? s voice fit her perfectly . She was Southern belle at heart , and always threw around words like ? Lord ? and ? ya ? ll ? . It was something she had never been able to cast off once she had begun living in Portland . ? I was getting lonely . Like always . Go figure . How are you sweetie ? ? Kareen smiled to hear her mother 's familiar enthusiasm , but she could feel her throat tightening as her mind started to return to the very things she was calling about . ? Life treating you well up in little ol ? Riverview , Maine ? ? " Ugh , " Kareen could no longer restrain her frustration . " Actually , Mom . . . I . . . I just had a really bad night at work . " Her voice was high and tight ; Hannah would recognize the tone and know full well that Kareen was trying very hard not to cry . " I just needed someone to talk to . " Kareen knew exactly who her mother was talking about . Hannah and Daniel both knew about the affair . " Kind of . His neice was murdered - - I don 't know if the Portland news announced it , but the media is having a field day here . Robert and I found the body . When we interviewed the family , I had the ' pleasure ' of meeting Patrick 's mother . " She cringed at the memory . " Everything just went downhill from there . " " I 'm sorry ! They did mention something about a girl dying in Riverview , but I wasn 't paying attention . I wish you could 've had a better day . But remember , there is always tomorrow . " Hannah then proceeded to talk about her day . The line at the shoes store had been awful , her favorite dress has ripped , and her hair had been cut uneven by the hair dresser . Little mundane things that took Kareen ? s focus off of the day ? s events . " Listen to me complain about my day ! At least I didn 't walk up on a dead body ! I wish I could be there Kareen . I wish you still lived up here . Those budget cuts . . . I say , our government has just went downhill , to tell you to the truth . But speaking of me wanting to come down there . Are we still on for Thanksgiving ? You know I 'd fix the turkey . And me and your dad could decorate your house . You always had the worst taste in curtains , to tell you the truth . . . " Hannah laughed a little . By now , Kareen was shaking with silent laughter . Her mother always knew how to make her stop worrying about the bad things . ? Yeah , Mom , we ? re still on . When are you guys going to get here ? ? Rachael did not come from the community . An ' outsider ' . Good Coroner though . Pity . Those are hard to come by . But she should have known better . Should have been more ' discreet ' . But what is done is done . And it was useful . For now Kareen had become more involved directly . Of course , everyone knows that computers don not simply explode . But the timing of it , would make people wonder who was the true intended target of the device . and let 's not forget Robert . His role is important too . Just what WAS he doing there ? Could he be following Kareen ? Now why would he do that ? Anything is possible , with a little thought . Who could do such a thing ? Nigel Sylvester for one . Then again , so could Mordecai Casper . Of course , not directly . They would not dirty their hands so . They would simply pay someone to take care of it . To destroy another beings life , with less thought than it takes to swatting away an annoying fly . The silence that penetrated the air following the unsolicited phone call was simply too much . He knew he had been safe ; he could still hear his wife rummaging around in the kitchen downstairs , but it was the principal of the thing . Part of him began to question why he had gotten involved and why he had invited that particular individual into his life . Somehow , it didn 't seem to make sense anymore - not like it used to . Perhaps a close call would do that to a person . Whatever the case , he found that his hands were shaking as he slowly hoisted himself back up onto the bed and began to automatically scroll through his contact list on his phone . He paused briefly over the entry that displayed the same initials that had popped up during the call before reluctantly hitting ' delete . ' He wasn 't sure what had driven him to that decision , but what was done was done . Maybe it was the need to get rid of the evidence . . . maybe it was something else . It was too late to dissect such rash decisions . . . Several tense seconds passed before he found his finger hovering over yet another name . . . this one more familiar and comforting than the last . It had been months since he had last spoken to his sister and he knew it was late , but he just couldn 't help himself . Christa had been a fairly shy girl growing up , but around the family and particularly Chris , she had been quite loud and eccentric . This behavior caused the two to argue and break into fights quite often , but then again , what siblings didn 't fight ? Despite their differences , Chris found that at the end of the day , he could always come back to Christa for advice and even comfort . There was a pause as his sister obviously tried to gather her thoughts and clear her mind from recent sleep . " Chris ? " she finally questioned . An audible sigh followed . " What - - do you realize what time it is ? " Why was that always the obvious question ? Sure , he had been out drinking that night , but not for the reasons she thought . It stung to think that his own sister thought of him as that kind of guy . " No , " he growled out defensively , almost a little too harshly . " I 'm not drunk . I just . . . " He trailed off , suddenly finding that he had no clue what he was actually doing . . . let alone , know what to say . Christa 's voice rose a bit in tone , a sign that she was becoming annoyed . " You just . . . what ? Chris , what 's going on ? " He shook his head even though she couldn 't see the gesture . He suddenly felt very small and very stupid . He had no idea what he was doing anymore and the words were just flowing from his mouth . " I . . . I dunno , " he admitted quite pathetically . " I don 't know what the hell I 'm doing . . . I just - - it 's been a long night . I 'm sorry . Natalie . . . you know Natalie , right ? She was found dead and - - " " This has nothing to do with her , does it ? " her tone was accusing as if she could see right into his soul . " I know you , Chris . You never liked her . What 's wrong ? " " Alright , I get it , " Christa finally surmised as she unleashed a heavy sigh . " You don 't want to tell me . You and your goddamn secrets . I don 't understand it . . . I really don 't . You call me to vent and then you clam up . You make no sense . Whatever it is , you better get it straightened out b Riverview Police StationXander was exhausted , his mom was right he needed to just close his eyes and sleep for a few days . So he took her up on her offer to go back to the cabin and sleep for awhile . He was so tired that he found himself dozing off at the wheel several times between the Station and his mom 's home . " Thank you Oscar . " There wasn 't really more to say to him now . Mordecai took a deep breath of his cigarette and then looked at him . " Stay ready , we might have plenty of need for you and your bureau . " With that the window went up again and Mordecai turned towards his wife . A nod to the window seperating the driver from them made the begin driving . Mordecai had ordered him in advance to take a direct route into the woods . He said no word , not reacting to his wives words until they were at the falls . The place where they had once dated , where young couples sometimes went to be for themselves . A bizarre truth was it 5 in the morning people used it sometimes to dumb things into the river beneath . " Why do I have to learn from a cop abut my Great - Grandson , my dear ? And what was the money for you gave her ? " He raised his hand before she could anwer . " Before you say a word . A WORD . I wanna make perfectly clear that if this lead to her demise , this I an act of treachery against me and my family . And any added lie would be considered nothing but treason . You know what happens to people who commit treason and get caught , do you ? " Tag : Spy Heather ? s resolve broke . She backed away from Mordecai and towards the falls . ? How dare you threaten me ? How dare you ? I am your wife . ? Tears stinging her eyes , a flash of vigor reappeared in her petite body . ? Your great grandson . ? She stared into his eyes . ? Alex Crane . He looks just like Natalie . Susanna is raising him because Natalie asked her to . And you know why I didn ? t tell you ? Because I knew Suzie could raise him . I knew she could . And if you would ? ve known , you would ? ve scooped that child up and bring him to his place . And I couldn ? t let you do that . ? She jabbed her husband in the chest . ? And about the money ? I 'm not telling you . I don ? t care if you have me killed . I just don ? t care anymore . You could push me off these falls . ? She stepped back a few steps and found herself at the edge . ? Fitting , wouldn ? t it be . For me to die at the same place where we first fell in love . Go ahead , you bastard . You push me off this cliff and kill me like you have always wanted to do . ? She grinned through her tears . ? She loved me more , Mordecai . You were always so cruel . So cold hearted . You are dead inside . ? She left the edge and walked back to Mordecai . She watched the foaming falls as she thought about everything that had happened in her life . ? I can ? t do it anymore . The endless arguing . Fighting , even . I loved you Mordecai . ? She looked into his eyes . ? I wanted you , and not just for your money . Now I don ? t even want that . I want to have a normal life . ? She took her flashy wedding off and felt of it . This was the first time she had done so in the thirty years . She felt of it in her fingers . " And I just realized that it ? s not with you . It has taken me thirty years of hell to realize I don ? t belong with you . ? She took his hands and held them . ? Kill me , Mordecai . Have someone hunt me down and shoot me . Make me look horrible to my friends . I have just as much dirt on you as you do on me . I won ? t say anything about us . I couldn ? t do it . Because I loved you . But I can ? t do this anymore . ? She let go of his hands and turned away . In his left hand was something small . Gabriel Nelson woke up in his four poster bed . The smell of the beach and the sound of seagulls filled the beautiful white room of his condo . And in his arms was the slim body of Esmeralda Sylvester , her body covered in a purple negligee . She was fast asleep , her blonde curls resting on his chest . The night had been dreamy . Gabriel , in his pneumonia produced haze , had been greeted by Esmeralda late in the night . Somehow they ended up in the bed . ? Gabe ? Are you awake ? ? Her voice was like a sweet melody . ? Are you feeling any better ? When I got here you were so dizzy . . . ? Once Kareen Gillis final stumbled into the police station early Monday morning , she would find it less crowded than it had been before . It was more crowded than usual . Officer Malone sat at his computer . Elizabeth was speaking with the Chief who had purple rings around her eyes . Robert noticed her out of the corner of his eye and his smile brightened greatly He laid his papers down on his desk and picked up a cup of steamy coffee , as if he had expected her to be coming in at that time . ? Kareen . I ? m glad you took my advice . ? He handed her the warm mug as he sipped his . ? Chief said today is do or die . We ? ve got to gather as much evidence as we can . Come into our room . ? He led Kareen into the empty conference room where the crime scene board stood . He closed the door behind him . ? Things are not good around here . ? Robert ? s smile dropped . He revealed his true expression . Weariness . He hadn ? t slept all night . ? Chief ? s under some bad pressure . Rumors got to us that Heather Casper was seen leaving the Casper Estate with suitcases . ? Then Robert grinned wearily . ? And if you didn ? t already know , me and you have been assigned to this case . Chief said we ? re the most level headed of the bunch . ? Naomi Nichols would wake up to her doorbell ringing . She and her husband had fallen asleep early in the morning , after a kiss goodnight . When Christopher had gone to work , Naomi had woken up and checked her messages . Her department boss called and said they were letting her off a day because of the tragedy . So Naomi had fallen back asleep . And next thing she knew , the doorbell was ringing . Once she had finally made herself decent , she would peep through the window and see her sister standing there , holding a little blonde haired boy ? s hand . She was tapping her foot impatiently . Her eyes were puffy and red , most likely from crying . Susanna Crane was crying . Christopher Nichols ? s class was short a couple of girls . Most likely staying out in hopes of getting a free day because of Natalie ? s murder . Most of the girls were attentive and listening . But one of the girls continued to apply nail polish to her nails as she whispered with several of the other girls . She kept glancing at Christopher and giggling . It was obvious she was another rich kid put in this college when she much too stupid to realize she was lucky . ? Mr . Nichols . When you gonna get rid of that woman you married to ? ? Carrie Rockford snickered . ? She is ugly . ? Obviously the pretty girl was trying to stall class and equally flirt with Chris . Xander York would wake up in the same place he had fallen to sleep . His mother had never came home , and the TV flickered . Someone in the night he had turned the TV on . ? Again . Natalie Crane , the granddaughter of Mordecai and Heather Casper , was drowned last night . Her death was quickly followed by the death of Rachael Harp , the coroner . Her death hasn ? t been ruled yet , but it is presumed she was murdered also . Police have asked everyone to stay away from strangers , or to stay in groups . They are searching diligently for the murderer of either or . ? It might have seemed like a dream to Xander . It might not of . But it would be fairly clear soon that Natalie Crane was dead . She wouldn ? t be coming back to nestle in with him . To kiss him when he was down . OOC : Fin , I ? m going to hold off on the update for you for a little while . And Ktala , we will remain over Pm ? s . Hope everyone enjoys . / > She didn ? t get much sleep that night . Nightmares repeatedly jerked her from slumber , and then her dread and anxiety regarding the next morning and what she needed to do would keep her awake . When she finally dragged herself into the station , the crowds of family members , friends , and curious gawkers had drifted away , but the place was still overrun with staff . Amy looked terrible . Robert smiled when he saw her , but she could tell he hadn ? t slept , either . Kareen wondered if either of them had ever even left the station . She gladly accepted the hot cup of coffee , taking a long sip as Robert led her into the conference room , briefing her on what she ? d missed . Her eyes widened in surprise when he told her that Heather Casper had apparently moved out of her husband ? s estate , but she didn ? t remark on it . ? I ? m tired . Very tired . So wherever you want to go , just tell me , ? Robert said , taking a seat in one of the chairs . But she knew that if she put it off now , she might lose her nerve later on , and she would never get it over with . She had spent the entire morning , from the time she got out of bed to the minute she walked into the station , steeling herself for the discussion to come . It was now or never . Robert left the room , expecting Kareen to follow him . He waited a couple of minutes until [ / b ] Elizabeth [ / b ] left Amy ? s office with a worried expression . It seemed to capture everyone ? s emotions . ? Kareen said she had something to tell us . Thought I might as well do what she wants . She wouldn ? t stop bothering me until I did . ? |
Gen 1 baby , baby boy , Culinary , heir , History Theme , legacy , Legacy Challenge , Legacy Challenge story , pregnancy , Rampart , second child , siblings , Sims , Sims 4 , Start from scratch , Warrior Theme , Willow Creek , Writer Mulan looked at her precious little boy for a long moment . Then she brought him close to her chest . " My baby boy , " she murmured softly , her voice thick with emotion . Camron opened the door and peeked in . His jaw dropped and his eyes went wide as he watched his life cradling that little bundle in her arms . A baby … Their baby . Wolf : Your son . Her voice was gentle and even proud . That 's your son , Camron . Go on , go to your wife , your little boy . He approached slowly , reverently as Mulan gently lay Yoshi down into his bassinet . She turned to her husband , tears in her eyes and a warm smile on her face . " C - can I hold him ? " Camron asked his voice cracking . He could only nod lamely , at a loss for words . He wasn 't sure how long he looked down at the little baby before he found himself reaching tenderly into the bassinet . Part of him was terrified ; how could anything that small be alive ? Oh sure , he 'd seen babies before but it was a whole different thing when that baby was your own small little son . Yet looking down at that sweet little face made his heart melt . The uncertainties that he hadn 't really been aware of seemed to evaporate as his son giggled and grinned up at his father . " Hey little man , " Camron murmured , his voice cracking . " I 'm your daddy . I 'm your daddy little one . " Mulan watched , having to swallow past the lump in her throat as Camron brought Yoshi up to his chest and held him securely there . " I 'm gonna look after you and your mom . You 're gonna grow up , find someone just like your mom too . " He lay his son back into his bassinet and then went to his wife . He took her hands in his and looked her straight in the eyes . " Thank you , " he murmured . " Thank you for my son and for being mine . " He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly . Wolf looked down on the two of them , smiling softly . The little family was adorable . She couldn 't wait to see what the future held for them . It wasn 't a hardship , however . Camron and Mulan loved him so . Losing sleep was a small price to pay for their child . While Mulan was at work , Camron would take his turn with Yoshi , feeding him from a bottle that Mulan would prepare the night before , changing him , even just cuddling with his boy . Just because there was a child in the picture didn 't mean that Mulan and Camron didn 't find time to just be with one another . It was normally only an hour or two each day right after Camron woke up and before he got ready for work and after Mulan had come home from work . They mostly sat and watched TV together , just enjoying the moment of quiet with one another . And of course , amidst all the diaper changes , the bottle feedings , the rare occasions where Yoshi cried and cried and cried , work was being done on their home as well . They were finally able to begin decorating . So aside from the nursery , the kitchen and living room were finally painted and the floors were finished . Mulan frowned . Despite having gotten used to having Wolf pipe up intermittently on a frequent basis , there will still times that she had no idea what her Watcher was up to . It was definitely disconcerting . " What do you know that I don 't ? " Yoshi was a good boy . He came home from school and began his homework right away . When Mulan would ask if he needed help , he 'd grin up at her . " Nah , I got it , Mom . It 's pretty easy . " He scampered off to go get dressed , then dashed out the door . Mulan waved after him . She got up , feeling a bit queasy . She 'd been feeling a bit unwell the last couple days . Luckily , she had today off . She planned on going to the library for a bit of peace and quiet before Camron woke up . But only a few minutes after her arrival and sitting down at one of the computers , that queasiness became full blown nausea and something actually started to come up . Luckily , she made it to the bathroom before she was sick . She barely made it home before she fell down into her bed . After a few hours of sleep , she was feeling much better . But she had her suspicions . And sure enough … after going to her medicine cabinet and pulling out a pregnancy test , the + sign on the stick looked up at her . Mulan was pregnant again . Wolf : Well , I didn 't know for sure . But then again , you and Camron have been fairly … uh , well , busy of late . It was bound to happen , after all . Poor Mulan didn 't really have anything to say to that . What could she say ? It was true . Despite their opposite schedules , she can Camron tended to find time for one another . She smiled . Camron would be ecstatic . They had talked about having another child . They thought Yoshi needed a sibling . But as she thought that , her smile faded . Yoshi had had all their attention since he 'd been born . How would he react to the news of a sibling ? She looked at the clock . She supposed she would find out in a few hours … Uncategorized So , the holidays are over now . I 'm hoping that means that I can not only get back to playing Sims , writing my Sims stories , but also finishing up the novel I started for Nano this year , then move on to rewriting / editing the one I did before . Maybe , by the time next year rolls around , I 'll actually be prepared to finish the third and final novel of the trilogy I 'm writing XD I 'm also desperately trying to get back into RPing . I was a moderator for a site for role playing in a play - by - post format . It was a great site , but the admins stopped caring about it , seeing it only as a cash - cow . They refused to upgrade the software , refused to give us Mods any kind of real power to change things like the front page , etc ( the mod staff is all volunteers , we don 't get paid , we did it because we loved the site ) and we were being overrun with spam bots to a point that we couldn 't keep up with it . Our community was dying , so after much discussion between the staff , we finally decided to move to a new site . One of our global mods put up the money for the servers and whatnot and we moved . We were both shocked and pleased by how many followed us , people that had already abandoned the old site because of the issues wanted to write again because we could finally have something that those that ran it cared about . I 'm really looking forward to getting back into RPing . It 's something I 've always loved to do . The challenge of only controlling one character , never knowing what my partner ( s ) will do . I love it . WARNING : Shameless plug to follow ! If anyone is interested in meeting a great group of people , go here : RPG Collective is a great place to come for all forms of writing and all variety of shenanigans . From the novice to the expert , there 's something for everyone . Help us build not just a site , but a community of writers and role players for the ages ! Anyway , I can 't stop writing . And now , with the holiday festivities concluded , I should have more time to do just that . I 'm going to desperately try to get an update to my current Sims Stories at least once a week . That would be for my Sims 4 stories anyway . I 'm not sure how I 'll work my Sims 3 Legacy into it . That one might be once every two weeks , since I have to set up all the screenshots and whatnot . But at least it would be moving again . Generation 1 Alexander , Ambrosia , Bella , Carl 's Guide , Cassandra , Dynasty House , Goths , Immortal Dynasty Challenge , Immortal Dynasty Challenge Story , Mortimer , Nancy , second thoughts , Sims 4 , Sims 4 Story , Willow Creek A / N : Sorry for the delay on this . Holidays of course have been a bit nuts . But now that the festivities are mostly over , things should go back to a relative level of normal , so hopefully not only will I be updating this fairly regularly , but also my Sims 4 legacy , maybe even my Sims 3 legacy as well . We can keep our fingers crossed anyway XD Thanks for reading . As Azura had promised , as soon as Bella and her husband had released the funds , construction on their new home was begun . All of them , even Azura , were a bit surprised with how quickly it was accomplished . The Goths had had some say in the designs , of course , but it had mostly been Azura 's brain - child . There had been a bit of discussion between Bella and Azura about the master bedroom situation . Azura had been adamant that Mortimer and Bella take the master bedroom , since it was their money that would be funding this whole project . But Bella had just smiled and calmly told her that she and Mortimer would be fine in another of the rooms . After all , none of them were small . And so , after Bella just kept smiling sweetly , Azura gave in and took the master bedroom . " You 're very tense , my heart , " Mortimer murmured as he dug his fingers into his wife 's shoulders . There was a few very stubborn knots that he was trying to work out . She always carried her stress right between her shoulder blades . She sidled away from him and looked to the side for a moment . He waited patiently for her to talk to him . He was always so patient . " Did I do the right thing , Morty ? I trust Azura and I believe in what she 's doing . But am I doing the right thing for you ? For the kids ? " " I know , " she murmured . " I know . I just … Azura 's my friend . But you and the kids … you 're my life . " Mortimer kissed her cheek . " I know that . The kids are happy . They seem to really like Azura and she them . In fact , just yesterday they were all having a rather lively discussion at the dining room table . " He grinned . " Not sure I understood all the video game talk . Guess I 'm just getting old . But Azura seemed able to follow it fairly well . Alex and Cassie love it here , Bella . Cassie is very interested in writing and is constantly asking Azura pointers over breakfast . " " And I 'm pretty sure that our little boy is a bit infatuated with Azura . He 's been asking her to read her series of children 's books to him . She 's only too happy to oblige . " Bella chuckled . " Yes , I have noticed that . You 're right . You 're right . " She leaned against him and let out a soft sigh . " Azura was my best friend growing up . After her father died , she and her mother had a rough time . Then her mother died … I was devastated when she left . Seeing her again … it was like we were kids again . My heart went out to her . After I started thinking about it though , after the house was built , I was afraid that - what if I had made a terrible decision for us ? Just because I remember what we once were to each other ? " When they parted , he said softly , " Besides , I get to be here much more often . Not having to work has done wonders for my own stress . I finally get to focus on fishing which is a very relaxing pastime . " Bella nodded . " You have a point . Nancy came to see us the other day and she was flabbergasted by the fact that I was enjoying digging around in the dirt . But she was equally as impressed with how it was coming along . " Mortimer laughed . " Sounds like Nancy alright . She was quite impressed with the landscaping you did out front as well . When she first came in , she asked who we had paid to do it . You should have seen the look on her face when I told her that it was you that had planned , planted , and cared for it . " Bella joined him in his laughter and cuddled against him . " Maybe I 'm worrying about nothing , " she murmured . " This is so important to Azura . I want to help her , I just don 't want it to be at the expense of our family . " Mortimer shook his head . " I know for myself - and I think I can speak for the kids as well - but we want to help her too . And we 're all going to do our best for her . She 's doing right by us , and we 'll do right by her . We 're all a family now . " He gave her a squeeze . She sighed softly and leaned against him , feeling at peace for the first time in a long time . Truth be told , Bella had been in a rut long before Azura had returned . When Bella had heard her friend 's idea , she had thought it would be a nice change . Morty was working so often and her children had been so quiet and withdrawn … Yet now , Alex was animated and getting out more . His sister had stopped wearing so much black and seemed truly happy . And seeing that Mortimer was well and truly happy ; the stress lines had disappeared on his forehead . It seemed the Watcher had been smiling on them all when Azura had showed up on their doorstep . " Good , " the young girl answered . " A bit boring , though I have a creative writing class that 's a lot of fun . The teacher told me some of the same things you did and she loved a couple other things she 'd never heard of . " " That 's great ! " Azura exclaimed . " I know school can be a bit boring if you aren 't fond of the subjects , but think of it this way : as a writer , everything is an experience and can give you material for your writing . " They fell silent as the competition on screen heated up … literally , in fact as one of the chef 's poured some wine in a pan and the flames rose up , looking as if it was going to singe some eyebrows off . It had become somewhat of a tradition for them each week to watch the show together . Once it was over , Azura got up and stretched . " I 'm calling it a night early , guys . I 'll see you both in the morning . I 'll whip up some bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast before you guys head off to school . " She set it out on the kitchen table and waited . Alex and Cassie joined her soon enough . They ate , chatting about the little things . Azura was doing some proof reading of her newest manuscript before sending it off to be published . Bella came down and joined them . She grabbed a plate of eggs and bacon and greeted her daughter first . Azura smiled at her friend and reached a hand across the table and put it over hers . " Thank you . I don 't have the words to express how much this means to me , truly . " Bella chuckled a little . " That 's saying , for you , isn 't it ? " She flipped her hand up and gave Azura 's a squeeze . " We are happy to do it . And quite frankly , I want to thank you , too . I haven 't seen my kids this … animated in a long time . It 's been good for them . " They were still playing when Azura came home from work . She went right to her computer in her room , sighing . Work was picking up and she was a bit behind . She 'd been working for a couple hours when there was a knock on her door . " Come in , " she called absently . It was on the tip of her tongue to beg off , but she took one look at his earnest face . She saved her document , shut down her computer and stood up . Slinging her arm around the boy 's shoulder , she said , " Yeah , let 's go swimming . We 'll talk everyone into having a game of pool tag ! " Azura realized that she couldn 't let her goals get in the way of living , of enjoying life with her family , even if that family didn 't share her blood . There was always tomorrow morning to finish up the editing she needed to do . But even as they frolicked in the pool , her next steps lurked in the back of her mind . But it could wait , until tomorrow . And the next day . After all , if things went well , she had eternity to worry about other things . General I swear , I have such a weird sense of OCD … I 've been attempting to get all my various blogs and stories organized in such a way as to make it easier to find and understand . In the process , I swear that I make more of a mess than when I started XD Then again , I suppose that 's what happens when you have to organize . Gotta make more of a mess before you can clean it up , I suppose XD That being said , I 'm slowly getting things where I want it to be . I actually managed to get an update to my Sims 4 Legacy - Cornerstone : the Rampart Legacy which puts it up to Chapter 1 . 06 now . I even managed to the get the Prologue up for my new Immortal Dynasty Challenge blog . Go to To Paint the World in Color to check it out . The only thing I haven 't really done yet is get anything done with Queen of the Dragons . I love the story , the family , and especially the collaboration with the Chronicles of Clark makes it so much fun ! But it is also very time consuming . So I 'm afraid it won 't be a priority until after the New Year most likely . I do plan on continuing with it though , so never fear ! Update Announcement , dragons , fantasy , legacy , third generation , Wyvern Ok guys , I know I 've been terrible . Nano kicked my butt . I did it , I got to 50K but it was a long road . I certainly haven 't forgotten the Wyverns . But because of the amount of time that the scenes take to set up , let alone get the screenshots , and then write , I am afraid you won 't see much of an update until after the New Year . But if you are anxious to read something in the meantime , head over here : Wolfie 's Sims and More ! This is a place where I 'm throwing up all links for stories , past and present . To keep myself in the writing mood , I am slowly working on two different Sims 4 stories . There 's my legacy , Cornerstone : the Rampart Legacy , which I 've already linked to . And since Carl 's Guide and Forum brought out their Immortal Dynasty Challenge , I have a story with that now too . To Paint the World with Color . I don 't imagine they will be very fast - paced . I 'm thinking only once or twice a week . But it gives me something to do to keep writing without feeling a ton of pressure . Fear not folks , the Wyverns will return , just not for a little while . I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday ! And a very happy New Year ! Generation 1 Alexander , Ambrosia , Bella , Carl 's Guide , Cassandra , Geoffrey , Goths , Immortal Dynasty Challenge , Immortal Dynasty Challenge Story , Landgraabs , Malcolm , Mortimer , Nancy , Oasis Springs , Sims 4 , Sims 4 Story , Willow Creek There once was a young girl . Her dearest desire in the whole world was to become an artist . She loved color . In fact , her last name - Chroma - meant color . This little girl 's name was Azura . Perhaps her parents had an inkling what their daughter would be ; her name meant ' sky - blue ' . And true to her name , she loved blue . But she loved reds , and yellows , and greens . Grays , oranges , and purples too . The young woman looked at the computer screen at what she 'd written and she sighed , a single tear escaping down her cheek . Writing this all down was going to be a lot harder than she ever supposed . It was important that she document this journey , but it was taking her back to that time . She 'd stopped typing and she sat there , her chin in her hands as she let the memories come … Azura 's mother Kaelyn had met her father Jayden in University . According to Kaelyn , it had been love at first sight . They hadn 't even waited to graduate before the two were married . Jayden got a job in Oasis Springs working for a large corporation . Kaelyn had opted to stay home . The thought of keeping a house appealed to her especially since she loved to garden . To Azura , her mother was the most beautiful woman in the world . The two shared a special relationship . Kaelyn would work with her daughter on her homework every day after school . Then it would be time for her dad to get home . Azura had loved watching her mother meet him at the door . She thought their relationship was beautiful to behold . They seemed to always have a soft orange - red glow around them . She came to associate that with love , a warm love . Though there was a deep red in there as well . She didn 't quite understand what that meant then . While her mother prepared dinner , it was father - daughter time . They 'd sit on the couch , watch a little TV while Azura told Jayden about her day . She loved cuddling close with him . She associated a calming blue - green with her father . When he held her , she imagined herself in a protective cocoon . It all changed in an instant . It started as a beautiful weekend day . Kaelyn had taken Azura to the park in town so she could scamper around on the play - ground . There might even have been a dreaded space - monster roaming around . They returned home to a nightmare . There had been an accident . Jayden had taken a swim as was his habit . But he must have slipped and fallen back into the water . By the time a neighbor was able to call anyone , it was too late . Jayden was gone . Azura and Kaelyn were devastated . Kaelyn tried to remain strong . She took a job outside the home . She tried to keep things as normal as she could for Azura , but the little girl could hear her mother sobbing through the bedroom door as she worked on her homework . " Sweetie ? I - I know things have been tough . Very tough . L - losing your dad has been hard - on both of us . I - I have something to tell you . " Azura looked up at her mother . She hadn 't smiled very much since she 'd lost her father . " W - what is it , Mama ? " " Y - you 're going to be a big sister . I 'm pregnant sweetie . I - it was the last gift your daddy gave me . " Kaelyn nodded solemnly . Azura stepped close . " C - can I touch it ? T - talk to them ? " She was old enough - she was 12 , would be turning 13 soon enough - to understand where babies come from , though this is the first time she would have been exposed to it . She approached slowly and gently put her hands on her mother 's already swelling belly . " Hello , " she murmured . " I - I 'm your big sister . I 'm Azura . " Things seemed to be looking up for them . A friend that Kaelyn had grown up with came to live with them to help Kaelyn while she was pregnant . Chelsea Britton was an effervescent soul and she infused some much needed cheer into a house that had lost a vital piece . Azura liked Chelsea quite a bit . She was a myriad of colors from a deep , vibrant red to a bright fluorescent pink . She always had some fun stories that she 'd share with Azura over dinner while Kaelyn was at work . She was quite far along and Chelsea had been trying to get her to take her leave from work . But the bills had been slowly piling up . It was stressful on her body . That and grief were taking its toll . Only another week . Then she could take her time off . But she never got there . She had been outside , thinking of doing some gardening . As she 'd stood up from the bench , a terrible pain in her abdomen made her cry out . She staggered , disoriented and in pain . Azura hadn 't come home from school yet and Chelsea had gone out for a bit . She was alone . She took a couple lurching steps before she pitched forward . Chelsea came home from her errands and Kaelyn was rushed to the hospital . But … nothing could be done . Azura 's world was fractured into a million pieces . Her mother - and a sister that she would meet - were laid to rest next to her father . Azura , already beginning to bloom into a young woman , stood at their gravesides one last time . " Mama , Papa , " she whispered tremulously . " I - I 'm leaving . I - I 'll be back , though , someday . " " I - I 'm going to live with Chelsea , Mama . L - like you would want . " Her lower lip quivered as she looked at their graves . " I - I don 't see the colors anymore . I - I have to find them again . U - until I do … " She had to swallow , unable to speak past the lump in her throat . The years passed and Azura grew into a beautiful woman . She missed her parents . And she never found her colors . What she did find , was an old manuscript in a run - down house in Bridgeport . It was a curious document , but it pulled at Azura . The writer in her - the one art that she could still find semblance of peace with , even if it wasn 't the same as the painting she had found so freeing as a child - was fascinated with the complex prose and what she thought of as a secret code in the writing . It became an obsession . After many , many hours of pouring over the document , Azura thought she had stumbled upon the secret . The secret to returning her colors to her … and maybe a way that she could see her parents again . And so , with what little money she had in the small trust that had been set up when she was born , Azura left the big city . If the manuscript was right , she couldn 't do this on her own . She needed help . So she returned to Oasis Springs . But it had changed quite a bit since she was a young girl . She went to a family friend . Nancy and Geoffrey Landgraab had been friendly with her mother and father , her father especially . They remembered the bright little girl . So it was that Azura was greeted by Nancy . " It 's so good to see you ! You 've grown into such a beautiful girl ! " They insisted that she stay with them , seeing as how she had yet to find a place of her own , intending to stay in a hotel until she found something . She slept on their couch for the first few nights . But in the end , Nancy and Geoffrey couldn 't be persuaded to become investors in Azura 's project . " Not because we don 't believe in you , dear , but because we have our own life , here . Our son is in a delicate spot right now . But … not all hope is lost . I seem to remember you being very close to the Bachelor girl right ? " " She married Mortimer Goth . They live in Willow Creek now . She has two children , I believe . Why don 't you ask her ? I hear that they often take on interesting business investments . I think this would be something that is right up their alley . " And so it was that Azura found herself outside of a large gothic manor . She couldn 't help but smile . Bella had always loved that style of architecture . It had always been a little gloomy for Azura 's tastes . But it somehow suited her childhood friend . Bella greeted her and led her into what must have been a formal palor . There , the two old friends chatted for hours , each catching up with their lives . " No , I 'm afraid we didn 't . " Bella reached over and took her hand . " What is it , ' Zura ? There 's something on your mind . " Instead of the calm business pitch that Azura had prepared , she began to cry softly . Amidst the tears , she told Bella why she had come . It took quite a while to get it all out , but when her tears had dried up and she had given it all she had , Bella was silent for a long moment . Swallowing , knowing that it was no use , Azura stood up . Before she knew what was going on , Bella had stood as well and grabbed her in a warm embrace . " We 'll do it , " she murmured . " We 'll do it . " It wasn 't quite as simple as all that . Bella did discuss it with her husband and two kids and introduced them to Azura . The family agreed , in the long run . It was decided that if this venture was going to work , they were going to need a fairly large property . So with money given to her by the Goths , Azura find what she thought of as a suitable property . Azura nodded . " Yes , this is it . " She gave her old friend a small grin . " I know it isn 't much now . But it will be . " " A start to bring the colors back , " she whispered softly to herself . Her world was many shades of grey right now … but maybe , just maybe , with the help of her friend Bella and her family , she could bring the colors back , not just to her world , but to everyone … She just hoped she was strong enough to do it . Gen 1 baby , baby boy , heir , History Theme , legacy , Legacy Challenge , Legacy Challenge story , pregnancy , Rampart , Sims , Sims 4 , Start from scratch , Warrior Theme , Willow Creek , Writer Mulan got up that morning , went about her normal routine . As she sat down to eat breakfast , she was grinning from ear to ear . She had something very important to tell her husband as soon as he got up . He hadn 't gotten home until late in the night , so she 'd let him sleep , but she was fit to bursting ! Time seemed to drag on and on . She kept glancing at the clock on her cell phone , then she hopped on the computer , knowing that she needed to do something , or risk going batty before Camron woke up ! Before she knew it , the door to their bedroom opened and Camron wandered out , looking a bit sleepy still . He wasn 't at his best when he first woke up . She always thought it was rather endearing and couldn 't help the giggling . " Morning , " she returned , still grinning . She thought she was going to burst ! But she wanted to do this right . Camron came to stand behind her , putting his hands on her shoulders and giving her a rub before he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head . She put her hands over his , then stood up . Taking his hands in hers , she led him to the couch and they both sat down . " Turn on the game ! The Llamas are playing the Alpacas today ! " Mulan just grinned . " Well , I think telling you that you 're going to be a father is a bit more important , don 't you ? " To put just the right amount of emphasis on it , she pointed down to her stomach . It took a moment for Camron to process what she was saying . After all , he 'd only just woken up and he hadn 't even had any coffee yet . Mulan watched as it suddenly dawned on him . " Wait , are you serious ! ? " he exclaimed . Camron reached up to wipe a tear from his eye . Then he took her hands in his and just looked at her . A father . " Did ya hear that , Wolf ? We 're gonna have a nooboo ! " Camron pulled his wife close . He was fitting to burst with happiness . Mulan wasn 't far behind either . They nuzzled their cheeks against one another , neither quite able to get words out just yet , each just wanting to be with the other . After a moment , Camron leaned over and whispered in her ear . Wolf couldn 't hear what he said , but Mulan started giggling . " Yeah , we won 't tell her . " The two burst out laughing . " Don 't worry , Wolf . It 's nothing bad , " Mulan assured her . " We 're just very excited . We hope there 's twins ! " Wolf : Ack ! Don 't you put that out there ! Not right now ! It 's true , you guys are doing fairly well , but still … twins could bankrupt you at this point ! The two giggled some more . They were on cloud 9 and nothing Wolf said was going to burst that cloud . Wolf was happy for them , really . If the nooboo ended up being two nooboos , they 'd just deal with it . Mulan began to show pretty rapidly . She wasn 't even at the second trimester mark yet and it was more than apparent that she was expecting . She was beginning to wonder if she really was carrying twins ! Maybe even triplets … though she kept that one to herself . As much as she wanted a large family , the thought of having triplets right off the bat made her exceedingly nervous . Camron tried to talk Mulan into taking some time off work immediately , but she insisted that they couldn 't afford it . Besides , she enjoyed her job . Despite the nausea , she headed to work after one of her long weekends . Despite working late nights , Camron did whatever he could so that Mulan didn 't have to . He was often pretty tired because of it , but he wouldn 't have changed it for the world . He loved Mulan with all his heart and he wanted to make sure she was healthy . Her and their nooboo . He was fascinated with her belly and could often be found feeling it and talking to the little one inside there . " I 'm your Daddy there precious . Your Mama and I can 't wait to meet you . " Mulan thought it was adorable . What she didn 't think was adorable , however , was how big she really got . By the time her third trimester hit , she felt like a beached whale and she was sure she looked the part , too . As she climbed into bed with Camron after a long day at work , she groaned . " Is it time yet ? I 'm so tired of being pregnant … I want to be able to see my feet again ! " Mulan smiled . " You always know what to say . " They snuggled up together . Camron had a little while before he had to go to work yet and they enjoyed the time together . But an hour or so later , Mulan had to get up . " J - just uncomfortable , " she muttered , though there was quite a pressure building in her abdomen . Camron got up with her , intending to give her a message when Mulan let out a scream . She looked at her husband , her eyes wide . " M - my water just broke ! " she whispered , a hint of panic in there . Her face contorted in pain as a contraction hit . Now , they had practiced for this . But all that practice went right out of Camron 's head . As Mulan let out another cry , he stood there , waving his arms about . " Breath ! " he kept yelling . He remembered that much from the coaching classes . But that seemed to be all he remembered … Camron knew the better part of valor and retreated as far away as possible . He would only be in the way . Mulan seemed to have it under control . Indeed , she did . Though she felt like she was being ripped open , Mulan seemed to know what she was doing . She went into the nursery where she could be alone . She huffed , and puffed , and screamed some more . |
My brother asked me to hang out with him . It was such a surprising request that I stumbled over responding . Not that I mind hanging out with him , but his wife doesn 't really like it when he and I are together . I think she is jealous of him having fun … maybe because she doesn 't get along with her only sibling ? I 'm not sure . But when she is with us , she tries to keep us separated because she doesn 't like how he behaves with me . How does he behave ? He has fun . It 's a sad situation . Anyway , when he asked me to hang out with him , I asked if it he was expecting our respective spouses to join us , as Hub had plans that he couldn 't change . He said no , that his wife had plans , so it would just be us . He suggested we go to a local ( large ) plant nursery to walk around . I said sure , but I wanted to cry . Mom and I used to love to go to this nursery to walk around and , of course , to buy stuff . She loved gardening and plants , and we loved spending time shopping for stuff . But since my brother asked me to go , I figured he needed to connect with someone and I wasn 't willing to let him down . So we made plans and we went . We haven 't had rain here in over a month , but when my brother came to pick me up it was pouring out . We decided to go anyway , with umbrellas , and just deal with the rain . By the time we made it to the nursery , the rain had mostly stopped so it turned out to not be a big deal . While we were walking around , I saw this plant with the " diamond " hovering in the center of the new growth . I took the picture because it was pretty amazing . But it made me sad that my mom wasn 't there with us to enjoy the beauty . It made me sad that my brother never wanted to join Mom and me when we went out to these nurseries together . My brother and I walked around , talked , joked , laughed , and just spent time together . We occasionally spoke about Mom and about what was going on with her estate , but mostly we talked about the plants we were looking at . Plants we liked , plants we didn 't like , plants he already had that were thriving or not . My brother has kept himself somewhat removed from the family because of his wife … because of how she behaves . Because most of us tolerate her only because we care about him . Mom worried about him a lot . I know she wished he had been happy , but he never seemed to be . We wondered if it was because of her or if it was something else . I know now it 's probably a little of both . I am trying to stay connected with my siblings and my father . It 's awkward , which seems weird because we are mostly a close - knit family . My mother was the heart of our family . She was the one who connected all our lives . Although I try to talk to my father as often as possible , and stop in to see him , it 's difficult . We don 't have a lot to talk about except taking care of bills and Mom 's estate . I try to find things … but he doesn 't have any hobbies and he doesn 't have any interests . And right now , he doesn 't want to do much . I don 't want to step into Mom 's shoes and keep everyone connected or be the go - between for everyone . So I have to step back and allow everyone to find their own way to communicate . I know it 's difficult for them but it 's also difficult for me . Both stepping back and keeping in touch . There are times when I forget for just a moment that she 's gone . When I remember again , it 's painful . I think of her often and that 's okay . When I talk about her , it hurts . When I think about how much I miss her , it hurts . I 'm still finding myself in situations where I wish she were still here , that I could still talk to her , that I could still see her . That 's where the tears are . Just walking up to her house or seeing the spot where we used to hang out on her deck hurts . It 's like feeling the loss all over again … repeatedly . It makes it so much harder to go over and see my father , because walking through their doors hurts . And mother 's day is approaching . Every commercial on television is for mother 's day gifts . The cards and signs in the grocery stores . The radio . It 's everywhere . And I want to curse and scream and I 'm so jealous of people who get to spend mother 's day with their mothers . For the past fourteen years Hub and I have hosted mother 's day for his family and mine . Last year , Mom was in radiation therapy so she was tired , so Hub spent mother 's day with his mother while I spent it with mine . It was the first year we separated for mother 's day . This year I 've told him to go to his mother 's and be with her , but he 's resisting . His mother understands , but really I want to be alone on mother 's day . I want to pretend it 's just another day . I want to be able to cry by myself if that 's what happens . Hub and I were driving somewhere the other night and we were talking about my mom . Lots of my thoughts and conversations right now are centered there , so it 's no surprise . Bless my wonderful husband for just letting me talk when I need to and not getting frustrated that I keep bringing things up . Anyway , I was telling him how weirded out I was that I 'm not panicking all the time and feeling anxious about the whole situation . I 'm sad … I mean , so far beyond sad that I don 't even know a word to describe the feeling . I understand wholly what is happening , but it 's been happening in these Pacman chunks , so I think it 's been easier to absorb . Not that any of these things are easy to come to terms with , just that I haven 't been faced with all of it at once … so far . I started this post on March 28th at 9 : 20 in the morning . My mother went into the hospital that evening at 5 : 30 . Initially I was going to let this post go to the trash bin , but today it struck me again , and I wanted to continue with it from this side of her passing . I miss my mother intensely . I think of her all the time . Things happen all day long every day that I want to tell her and so it hurts me when I realize over and over again that I can 't share my days with her . I 'm sad . I lost my mother in these Pacman chunks . She took her first real downturn just after Christmas day . Those were when the brain metastases made themselves known . Mom 's attitude changed , she became uninterested in engaging with anyone , and she was throwing up a lot . It was at that point that Mom started withdrawing from her normal activities … with others and with me . We used to talk every night at 9 : 30pm , for as long as I 've been living outside of her house ( that would be 22 years ) with the exception if one of us was away on vacation . When the mets started , she stopped calling me on a daily basis . Besides the 9 : 30 call , we would also talk on the phone periodically during the rest of the day , but now she stopped making and answering any phone calls . We took Mom to brain radiation , which resolved some of her symptoms - most importantly she was able to recover from the vomiting and motion sickness every time she moved - but she really never resumed calling me on the phone . Of course we saw each other daily because we live nearby and I was at her house all the time , but in the evenings after I left to go home , I wouldn 't speak to her until I went back to her house the next day . Sometimes she would answer the phone if I called , but sometimes not . The first chunk was the phone calls . A couple of years ago , I introduced my mother to the game Words with Friends . I used to play against one of my brothers and other random people , and I told Mom about it . She asked if she could play against me - she and Dad used to play scrabble all the time but she said he tried to cheat , so they stopped playing - but the only way I knew to play WWF was either on Facebook ( which she refused to join ) or on an iPad . Hub and I had two iPads that came from one of his bosses . One was an older iPad , the other slightly newer . So we loaned Mom the older iPad , taught her to use it , logged her into WWF , and we began playing on a nightly basis . When she would go up to her bedroom in the evenings , she would play her turn . I would go up to my bedroom around the same time , and I would play my turn . Through the evening , we would play back and forth on my laptop and her iPad . We could pretty much make it through a full game in one night . Even after she stopped calling me at night , she would still play WWF every couple of days . When I saw her during the day she would apologize for not playing very much the night before , or for not playing at all . I would tell her to play when she felt like it and not worry about it . Eventually , and not too much time later , she stopped playing altogether . The second chunk was the WWF games . Somewhere along the way , around the time the mets in her brain kicked in , she stopped wanting to get out of the house . Since this past fall , she 's been in and out of a wheelchair . Initially , she had a deep muscle spasm in her back that left her unable to bear weight on the leg on that side . She was moving around in a wheelchair because she couldn 't stand . Even then , though , we were going out with the wheelchair . I got pretty good at getting the wheelchair in and out of our minivan or her car ( if my father was driving ) , so we still went shopping at the grocery store or at the craft store or at the yarn store . We even went to some craft fairs and such . I know she hated the wheelchair , but we made it work . Shortly after the radiation for the brain mets , the lymphedema in her legs got bad , so she wasn 't able to walk around … and that left her in the wheelchair full time . The fatigue from the radiation contributed … she never really recovered from that . At some point , she was only going out to her radiation appointments , then after that only to her lymphedema appointments , but that was it . She stopped wanting to go to the store , or even going outside at all . Over the last months , I could barely get her outside onto her expansive deck - when it was warm and sunny enough - which was something she loved to do . The last thing we did was when Hub and I took her and my father to see some botanical gardens . It was a week before she died , and it was a beautiful if tiring day . But up until that day , she hadn 't been out of the house for anything other than medical appointments for months . The third chunk was spending time outside the house . Everything seemed to really go downhill after the brain mets appeared . Even after the radiation , which helped a lot of her symptoms but seemed to leave her exhausted and drained , she only got better in certain ways . The symptoms of the brain mets dissipated for the most part , but her energy and her interest were both low . She was having more trouble seeing things , concentrating on things , and finding motivation to do much . She seemed to be pretty concentrated on the lymphedema … not terribly surprising considering it was in both legs and it impacted her ability to move around as well . But other than the lymphedema and the wrap appointments , she lost interest in everything else . Including her crochet . She made a few attempts at a project that was supposed to be a baby gift for my cousin , but it didn 't go very far . Even trying to talk about that project , or the projects I was working on , didn 't hold her interest . Crocheting is how we got through most of her illness … the surgery , the recovery , the chemo , the days where she was too exhausted to move , the days where we sat outside in the sun and crocheted . The chemo hats we made , the preemie hats we made . We talked about crochet almost every time we were together . We crocheted a lot of the time we were together when she didn 't want to ( or couldn 't ) do anything else . She crocheted on the last cruise she took with my aunt and uncle . She crocheted through her first pelvic radiation . Through recovery from the pelvic radiation . Through the next sets of chemo … on and on . Crochet was how we spent time , how we passed time , how we shared time . The fourth chunk was crochet . She stopped engaging with me even when we were in the same room as she got sicker . Weaker . She would sit on the couch or in her wheelchair and stare at the television . I 'd try to ask questions or just talk and sometimes she would respond , most times she would keep looking at the television . I knew she could hear me , I knew she understood … this was when she was very lucid and I was sitting close enough for her to hear me . She just seemed to be removed . She refused to talk to most anyone on the telephone and if we asked if so - and - so could come over to visit , she would say no . If my Aunt and Uncle came over , she would engage with them on and off , but sometimes not even with them . Too may people in the room and she got overwhelmed and shut down even more . Even when it was only the two of us in the room , more often than not she would keep her gaze trained on the television and not respond to me . The fifth chunk was responding and engaging with me when I was in the room with her . Good , bad , or otherwise , she really didn 't start losing lucidity until the last few days of her life . By this point , even though she had been lucid and aware of us talking with her , she wasn 't really engaging . So the lucidity was a change , but it didn 't actually change much . We were still having one - way conversations with her , we just weren 't sure how much of it was getting through . Sometimes she would turn her head to look toward one of us , but most times not . Her blood sugar was spiking ( I almost feel like that was her body 's way of shutting down in a painless way ) , which left her looking and acting more and more drugged . But still I held her hand , I touched her , I rubbed her feet with lotion . I stroked her arms . None of these things had any kind of real response . The sixth chunk was the lucidity . Wokka wokka wokka . I lost her that way , like little dots being consumed by a yellow sideways pie - head . These things happened over the course of three months ( give or take ) , so I had some time to grieve those losses . I had some time to try to get used to the changes . Even so , I still grieve the losses , I still feel the changes . Make no mistake about that . I just wonder if Mom tried to disengage in this way , to make it easier on the people around her . Consciously or unconsciously . I don 't know . I know I miss her . I know I miss each of the chunks … and the chunks that I didn 't focus on in this post . This morning I had the opportunity to talk to Mom 's oncologist on the telephone . Technically speaking , the phone rang at about 8 : 30am and when I saw the caller ID I had a moment of panic . What was wrong ? What had happened ? The doctor had called to pass along his condolences . He 'd been out of the country during Mom 's final crisis and death . He called to talk to me about what had happened with her final days , at the hospital , and then at home . I would guess some of this information would help him build his experience with this type of cancer - which is still pretty rare in the grand scheme of things - and some of it was closure for him . We 've known him for almost two years , and I really do feel he had compassion for our situation all the way through . On the phone he said pretty bluntly that he wished this had never happened to Mom , that we 'd never met , that he could turn back time and change things for us . I thanked him for the thought . Then I fought back tears as I told him how much my mother liked him , how much I like him , how appreciative I was that he fought so hard for Mom . I thanked him for putting up with my brother - who questioned him at every turn and threw tons of trials and homeopathy and other things at him - when he really didn 't have to . He told me it was part of his job , but I disagreed with him and I told him as much . Not every doctor could have - or would have - put up with my brother 's tactics or attacks . My mother 's doctor did so with aplomb , and with great understanding for what my brother was dealing with . I thanked the doctor for taking such good care of Mom , and for giving us two years to be with her . It certainly wasn 't a given considering Mom 's aggressive cancer . When I hung up the phone , the tears were stuck in my throat . Later , I spoke to my father who had called Social Security to see what he had to do in regards to my mother 's passing . He told me how hard it was to have the conversation , and I told him I understood how he was feeling . It 's hard to talk about her . It 's hard to talk about what happened . It 's hard to talk about our lives without her . Hub 's friend was coming over tonight to hang out . He 's been Hub 's friend for a lot of years . He 's helped us move a couple of times ( and we 've helped he and his wife move a bunch of times ) , and he 's even helped us with things at my parents ' house over the years . He 's a good friend to Hub , and vice versa . He and his wife know my parents pretty well . I couldn 't even stay downstairs to say hello , I just wanted to come upstairs and hide . I didn 't want to have to hear another condolence . Another " I 'm so sorry " . It isn 't their fault … what else do you say ? What else do I say other than " thank you . " It 's just another chink in the armor every time someone approaches with that face or that voice or that head tilt that tells you what is coming . Sympathy , empathy , kind words , compassion . I know why and I understand , but I just couldn 't take it again today . I want to hide from everyone who knows me because I don 't want to hear the sympathy . I don 't want to hear the pity . I don 't want to be reminded every time I talk to them that my mother is gone . How are you ? How 's Dad doing ? One day at a time . It fucking hurts , every minute of every hour of every day . And it isn 't anyone else 's fault . I just want to live in it by myself . I don 't want to tell everyone how I 'm doing or how I 'm making it through . Is this the anger ? I thought the anger would be at my mother for being sick , or for dying , or for leaving . Instead I just feel ANGRY . And I just want to be alone . I know there 's no wrong way to grieve , so I 'm living in it and living with it . And it so sucks . I was trying to get private duty nurses in to help us take care of her in an appropriate manner . I know my father was struggling to keep Mom feeling comfortable and such , but I don 't feel like he was tending to her hygiene in a good way . He was thinking like a husband , not like a caregiver , and was letting her stay in dirty clothes because he felt it was easier for her . Mom ended up with a bed sore from sitting in one position all the time , and she was sitting around in dirty shirts and pants ( not filthy , just not fresh clothes every day ) . I didn 't realize what was happening because I wasn 't living there until after the bed sore appeared and I found out how he was taking care of her . Then Dad and I tried to take care of Mom , but it was a struggle , especially since I wasn 't there all the time . I 'd get calls at 11 : 30 at night , or 2 in the morning , asking me to come help him clean her up . At that point , they were still struggling to use the bathroom in some normal fashion … and it WAS a struggle . Then as Mom 's capabilities decreased , Dad still wanted her to use the bathroom , which required even more of my assistance more often . It wasn 't that this was an issue for me - despite my lack of experience in caring for an adult in this situation - it was that I didn 't LIVE with them . Yes , I live close by , but it 's not the same … he wouldn 't call me until it was too late and he was in the bathroom with her and needed help . And the rest of the time he didn 't make her move from her position in the recliner … which meant she was probably sitting in wet and / or dirty pull - up adult diapers . It was a sad and painful situation for all of us . I struggled to find someone to come help us , in part because my parents didn 't want anyone to come in and help , but also in part because I was afraid to make the wrong decision on who to bring in . In the end , I found a group to help us , referred to us by one of the women who cared for my grandmother in her last years . Unfortunately , that woman was out of state now , so I relied on her network of people who still lived here . The main issue is , I regret not forcing this on my parents earlier , because maybe we would have avoided the bed sore . Maybe it would have kept Mom a little more comfortable , and maybe it would have helped Dad hold onto more energy . I also struggled with the idea of forcing hospice on my parents . Although I knew it would be helpful , again my parents refused to use the service until I basically gave them no option . And it was really too late . We were formally enrolled in hospice on a Friday night , and Mom passed away five days later . Well , it wasn 't completely too late , because the hospice nurses were helpful for those last fourteen hours or so , just in a crisis kind of way . The biggest regret isn 't even something I have control over , which I realize makes no sense . How can I be regretful over something I didn 't do ? Anyway , my father was watching Mom 's blood sugar because it had been going higher . The doctor said it was steroid - induced diabetes , but now I 'm thinking it was Mom 's body 's way of shutting itself down in a way that wasn 't so painful . But really , the point here was , her sugar went way up , Dad panicked and called 911 , and they took her to the emergency room . There , they went by protocol and began giving her fluids and heart medication ( her heart rate was high ) , then sea - sawing back and forth with medications trying to get her sugar to the right level . Not too high , not too low … while forcing out the acids from the ketoacidosis she was dealing with . The fluids , though , were an issue . She became swollen in the emergency room and then later in the room when she was admitted . She became less and less aware of what was happening around her ( she was pretty unaware when they called 911 ) , but she was still verbalizing some things . When they went to change her and clean her up in the room , I shooed everyone out ( other than the nurses , obviously ) for privacy , but I stayed so she wasn 't alone . And she verbalized a lot during that time … a lot of chanting NO NO NO and OW OW OW when they moved her around . I hope to heaven that was involuntary and that she wasn 't really feeling those things because it just about killed me at the time . When they finished taking care of her , I ran out of the room in tears . And I was absolutely furious that my father kept refusing pain medication for my mother . He wanted her to " wake up and recognize " him . She was long beyond that , but he kept refusing the pain meds because he thought it was the medication and / or the high glucose that was keeping her " drugged up " . No matter what we did to try to show him that she was in pain , he refused to see it . He was so deep in his own pain over losing her that he refused to see beyond that . IIt 's my understanding from the hospice research I did that giving Mom all those fluids likely hastened her death , and potentially put her in more discomfort because the fluid goes to places it shouldn 't … like lungs . So there 's another part of my regret … that she had to be in the hospital , getting medication after medication , and hours and hours of fluids . And that she was in pain and discomfort for so long . Even before she was admitted to a room ( we got to the ER at 5 : 30pm and she was admitted to a room at 7 : 30am the next morning ) , I was asking how and when we could take her home . The hospital staff wanted to stabilize her from the ketoacidosis … and my father agreed with them . By the time we were able to convince him that we were going down a road we didn 't want to travel , we rushed through to get her home that evening . And my uncle was able to convince my father that Mom needed morphine . We made doubly sure that she got another round of the morphine before they put her in the transport ambulance and transferred her home . And once again , I was the one who had to push to get Mom home … I was the one who organized the transport , the oxygen , the meds for home , the private duty nurses to be waiting at home for us to arrive … and on and on . I 'm the baby in my family , and yet I was the one dealing with everything . We had more issues at home with the oxygen tank . No matter what plug we put it in , it would shut down after 10 - 20 minutes . T says it was Mom 's spirit shutting down the unit because she didn 't want the oxygen . I wouldn 't be incredibly surprised to know that was true . The hospice nurse arrived and immediate administered more morphine because Mom 's face was scrunched up . Then she began going over instructions on how and when to give medication at home . We had a private duty health aide staying overnight and she learned the information ( along with my sister - in - law ) from the hospice nurse . The hospice nurse - along with my siblings and my husband - made me go home for the night at that point . Even though they were still figuring out the oxygen machine , they had plenty of people there to handle things - plus the hospice nurse - and I was really so far beyond shut down that I couldn 't have helped even if I had wanted to . I had been going since 8am Monday morning , right through to that time which was 11 : 30pm Tuesday night . I hadn 't slept or napped any of that time , and I 'd barely eaten , though I had managed to try to stay hydrated as much as possible . This was the point where I reported to T that I really gave up . Someone else had to take over what was happening and what needed to be done . Where in the hospital is had been all me handling things , at the house at that point , there were seven or eight people sharing the responsibilities . I wish some of those people had stepped up at the hospital , so I hadn 't felt so alone with all the responsibilities . The next morning , our " regular " hospice nurse came in to talk to us , to evaluate Mom , and to give us some more education on what was happening . She changed Mom 's medication schedule , administered some more meds , and then she sat us all down in another room . She said that from her experience and based on her examination , she didn 't anticipate that Mom had much time left . She said she wasn 't a doctor or God , but she had two decades of experience and she doubted we had more than 24 hours . She said she 'd been surprised before , but she wanted us to understand that we were very near the end . Within the hour of that statement , Mom stopped breathing and her heartbeat slowed to a stop . Dad was with her , the rest of us were in the next room with the hospice nurse and had rushed in when we heard Dad yelling . Only one of my brothers and his wife weren 't in the house with us when Mom passed . The hospice nurse was still there and she continued to monitor Mom with her stethoscope until Mom 's heart had completely stopped . The minutes and hours following are a mishmash of images and phone calls and information and scheduling for things to happen . I was the one doing all of that , and although I 'd like to say I remember none of it , a lot of it is burned in my memory banks . I have traumatic flashbacks of those last thirty plus hours . I 've started working with T about it , because there are too many images , sounds , and smells in my head that are haunting me . Already one session / set of exercises with T have helped . I go back on Monday again to continue working with her . This was not how I had hoped my mother 's last days or hours would come about . I know many will say " it is what it is " but that doesn 't stop me from feeling sad about it . The best thing that came out of this is that we WERE able to get Mom home in time for her to pass there . That 's what she wanted . * * * this post was previously scheduled ahead of time . you might have already seen " Where do broken hearts go " which indicates that Mom had already passed . I wrote this post below a week before her actual passing . * * * We wanted to take Mom to see some local gardens today . But this morning was a bad morning for her . When we got her into her recliner in the family room , she said to me , " I don 't know why I 'm so tired . " All she does is sleep and drink , really . She 'll eat bits and pieces of actual food , but mostly she is existing on juice , boost or ensure nutrition drink , hot chocolate , and hot tea . Some water , too . She tells me she 's only dozing , but I think she 's actively sleeping . I watched her some this morning while she slept / dozed , and she made faces , a few noises , but her breathing was fast . I thought it would be slow , but it 's not . How do I answer her ? I didn 't . I shrugged , and moved to talk about what we 're going to do when we get to the gardens today . I had hoped it would be sunny and warm , but for the moment it is still overcast and not quite warm yet . At this point , though , it is what it is . Because in my heart I don 't believe she 'll be able to go at a later point . My brother from out of state is driving in this weekend to stay for a little while . I had a terrible thought today as to whether he 'll make it in time or not . I know some of that is my anxiety taking over and I tried to let the thought go . I can 't make predictions , I can 't KNOW what is going to happen , I can 't make my brother get here in time or not . I can only get ready to go out today , to show Mom the beautiful plants that she loves so much . Gardening is her thing , she loves plants and trees and everything . I 'm back from our trip to the gardens . It was a long trip , more in the car than in the gardens . I think Mom was happiest that she was outside in the air , even though most of the gardens we saw were inside ( as that was where the accessible routes were for the most part ) . Although Hub went with us , Mom didn 't engage as much as either he or I had hoped . She looked at a few things when we pointed them out , but otherwise she let Hub talk and joke and she just held her head up on her hand . Just like she does at home . I watched bits and pieces of that hospice video again , trying to remind myself that everything Mom is doing is exactly what is supposed to happen . That although death is incredibly sad , it 's not BAD . It 's what happens next . It 's part of our cycle of life . That sounds like a terrible thing to say , but it 's the truth . I don 't WANT my mother to die , but the truth is , she IS dying . My best hope for her is that there is no pain at any point , and that she doesn 't feel awash in fear or anxiety . I don 't know what else I could hope for . We brought Mom home , got her back into her recliner , and after a drink of some juice , I could see she was already looking to withdraw into sleep again . I told her good night and said I 'd see her in the morning . Hub and I came home , made dinner , and crashed . I spent some time talking to someone about getting some extra help in the house for my parents ( the woman who took care of my grandmother , who now lives in another state ) . She had some recommendations and suggestions for me , and I 'll take them to heart . I 'm hoping that by Monday we 'll have something set up . I hope we can squeak through the next couple of days without too much trouble . I just hope I 'm doing the right thing at the right time . |
Copyright © 2012 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing , or sport , seems familiar , it is purely coincidental . My name is Casey Gordon . I 'm seventeen , and I guess this is as good a time as any to mention that I 'm gay and very much in the closet . I 'm out to my mom , but that 's it . I don 't think it would really be an issue , as there are several guys and girls at school who are out , and few kids hassle them about it . But then again , they don 't take shit from anyone . A couple of guys tried it with Shamus and Alex and got their asses kicked . However , I 'm not exactly a self - defence expert . Besides , I just don 't feel like I 'm quite ready anyway . I haven 't even found the courage to tell my best friend Brian yet . I was on my way to school one morning when , about three blocks from the school , I noticed an old worn notebook laying in the grass near the sidewalk . I figured someone from school probably had it fall out of their binder or something , so I just tucked it under my arm with the few books I was carrying and continued on . When I got to school , I checked and there was no name on it , so I shoved it in my locker and forgot about it . That afternoon , after a yearbook meeting , I went to my locker for my homework . When I noticed it , I shoved it in my math binder and started for home . A block or so from the school , I ran into Sheridan Fort walking towards the school looking around like he had lost something . He looked pretty frantic and upset . I said ' Hi ' to him and he said ' Hi ' back , but other than that , he basically stayed focused on the ground and kept going . I didn 't really ' know ' Sheridan ; no one did . He was kind of a loner and didn 't seem to have any friends that I knew of , but then he did seem incredibly shy . He and his mom had moved into Brad Thompson 's old place midway through our junior year . We were both now in our senior year , but even after several months , he still usually walked with his head down and seldom made eye - contact with anyone . That , of course , made him a target and I had heard a couple of guys call him a faggot . I had no idea whether he was actually gay or not , as that 's part of the typical derogatory name - calling of most bullies . We were in the same homeroom , and had all the same classes , but seldom had any contact with each other . From my few brief encounters I 'd had with him , he seemed like a really sweet guy . Since I already told you I 'm gay , I guess I can say I always thought he 's incredibly cute too . He 's about the same height as me , 6 ' to 6 ' 1 " , but a little slimmer , weighing maybe 150lbs compared to my 165lbs . He has dark brown almost black hair and dark brown eyes which are in distinct contrast to my blond hair and light green eyes . And , if there was one person that might persuade me to come out , it was Sheridan . That is , if he was gay of course . When I got home , Mom was in the middle of getting dinner ready . I threw my books , including the notebook , onto the sideboard by the door and began to help Mom with dinner . A half hour later , we sat down and ate , chatting about her day and my day . It 's just me and Mom at home and has been for as long as I can remember . My dad was killed in an industrial accident when I was four . I have a few memories of him but not many . I think most of those memories are from looking at pictures of us together more than they are actual memories . I can 't say I really missed having a dad though , as Mom has always been there for me and has been super supportive since I came out to her . Once we were finished dinner , I cleaned up and stacked the dishes in the dishwasher while Mom sat back and watched the evening news . I then grabbed my stuff and headed for my room . I had about a half - hour 's worth of math to do and the rest of the evening was mine . As soon as my homework was done , I picked up the notebook . As I said , I had already checked and there was no name on it , so I slowly started thumbing through the pages to see if I could figure out who it belonged to . As I was flipping through , I realized it was a bunch of short stories . I sat back on my bed and started to read the first one . What it was about blew me away . It was a love story , and I seemed to be one of the main characters . If that wasn 't enough to freak me out , the other main character in the story was Sheridan . I just sat there for several minutes staring at the page I was reading feeling totally shocked . As I was reading the story , it dawned on me . If this was what Sheridan was looking for , no wonder he looked upset . I mean , if anyone else had found it and read this story , he would have been seriously fucked . So would I for that matter , as anyone else reading it may quite easily have assumed it was true . Even if they didn 't , I 'd still be razzed for the rest of my life . By the time I was reading the fourth story , I was starting to get tired . I managed to finish it and threw the notebook on my desk , crawled into bed , and was very quickly asleep . I woke up the next morning , got up , did my morning rituals , had a shower , and went back to my room to get dressed . When I noticed the notebook , I started to glance over the next story . " What are you going to say to him ? " Brian asked . " You just going to tell him you know he 's in love with you and even if you can 't love him back , his secret 's safe with you ? " " Freak me out ? Why ? " he asked . " I thought you would have more faith in me than that . We 've been best friends since kindergarten . That 's not going to change because you want to date Sheridan instead of Sherry . " " It 's not that I don 't have faith in you , " I replied , " it 's just that I couldn 't handle losing you . I know that doesn 't translate , but you 're my brother man . And there 's always that fear … you know ? " " I guess I understand , " he responded , " but there 's nothing to fear . I 'm not going anywhere . Besides , I 've had you figured out for a while now . " " Oh come on , " he replied . " When was the last time you turned your head when some totally hot chick walked by ? Or a better question would be , when was the last time you turned your head when a good looking guy walked by ? " " Uh … yeah , " he replied with a big grin . And that was it . My best friend knew about me and was cool with it . However , I still didn 't know what was happening with Sheridan . Nor did I know what I was going to do when I saw him . We drove by Sam 's and picked her up . Sam is Brian 's girlfriend , Samantha . Then we drove straight to school . Sam was curious as to why we didn 't stop for a coffee on the way , but Brian simply said I needed to be at school early and she was happy with that . " I know , " I said . " He 's probably too scared to even come to school . Fuck , I gotta go talk to him and let him know it 's all cool . " I had to promise to phone him and let him know what was happening . It took me ten minutes to get to Sheridan 's . I spent another couple of minutes walking around in front of the house trying to get up the courage . Since I figured if he was still home he would be in the kitchen , I walked around back to knock on the kitchen door . When I did , I noticed the garage door was open . I 'm not sure why , but that really scared me . Actually , I am sure why . I was terrified that I would find him hanging from the rafters or something . I walked over to the door and what I saw scared the living hell out of me . Sheridan was standing on a chair in the middle of the garage with a rope around his neck . My mouth went dry and my heart started racing . I gave him back his notebook which he immediately dropped behind his dresser . Then we sat on the edge of his bed and talked . We talked mostly about the notebook . I guess he had been writing in it before he went to bed . When he grabbed his books for school in the morning , it was in the same pile , and he must have picked it up with everything else . And , of course , if anything was going to accidentally fall out , that would be it . As we talked about what he had written , I could tell he was beyond embarrassed that I had read it , especially the juicy bits . He kept apologizing and kept reminding me of how things might have turned out for both of us if someone else had found it . We talked about how he felt about me . I tried my hardest to make him understand that I wasn 't upset or angry that he was in love with me , but I wasn 't having a lot of success . Then I thought , ' Why am I skirting the real issue here ? I sound like a straight guy trying to make him feel better … not a gay guy who has liked him and been interested in him for months . What am I afraid of ? ' He just stared at me , silent and motionless , until eventually a single tear rolled down his cheek . " Don 't tease , " he finally whispered . " I couldn 't handle that . " If I thought he was emotional and crying before , I think that simple gesture unleashed months of pent up emotions . His arms were around my neck in an instant and five minutes later , I still had a sobbing boy in my arms . Finally he slowed down enough to start to breathe normally . After another few minutes , he loosened his grip a little , pulled back so he could look into my eyes , and a small smile began to appear . I found out a lot about him that morning . I discovered that he had been on the junior varsity volleyball team in his old school . That is , until they found out he was gay . Then his life had gone to hell . His teammates shunned him and the bullying started . After three months without any support from the school administration or teachers , his mom had decided to transfer him . She also filed a lawsuit against the school board , the principal , and two of the teachers . When he got here , he decided the best way to survive was to go to school , do his work , and avoid everyone . Unfortunately , his avoidance of people and apparent shyness once again made him a target . I also found out he wasn 't all that quiet and shy once he got going . Neither of us noticed the time slipping by until my cell phone began to vibrate in my pocket . I pulled it out and sure enough , it was Brian . " Yeah . He knows about me too . And I 'm pretty sure he 's figured out there just might be the beginnings of a ' you and me ' as well by now , " I replied with a smile . At that point , we both realized it was noon and we were getting hungry . We made our way to the kitchen and fixed ourselves a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches , found some potato salad and grabbed a couple of cans of Coke . After cleaning up , we went back to his room . There is no explanation for the feelings and emotions I was experiencing as Sheridan and I stretched out across his bed and talked the afternoon away . We had a lot in common , we liked the same music , a lot of the same movies and books , and we both enjoyed writing . We both enjoyed snowboarding , skating , camping , swimming , and even rollerblading . By the end of the afternoon it felt like we had known each other for years . It was so cool . " Casey ? My , this is a surprise , " she said . " I 've heard so much about you … I 'm … uh … pleased to finally meet you . " As soon as she was gone , we burst out laughing . Of course we couldn 't tell her that 's what we had for lunch because we were supposed to have been at school . Sheridan laced his fingers through mine and we made our way out of his room and down the hall . His mom smiled at us as we entered the kitchen . As we ate , we chatted about this and that . Some of our conversation revolved around his last school . He hadn 't mentioned the ' last straw ' , as his mom put it . Apparently he had been pushed down a flight of stairs and had spent several days in hospital with a concussion and assorted bruises and cuts . A teacher who had witnessed it said he had missed the first step and lost his balance . However , several students came forward and said he had been pushed by a star player on the basketball team . The administration , of course , took the teacher 's word for what happened . The teacher also happened to be the coach of the basketball team . This was just one incident in the lawsuit he had mentioned before . " I must say I was rather surprised to see you , " his mom said to me . " I sort of had the impression you were unattainable . I was actually quite worried about Sheridan 's infatuation with you , especially as he seemed to be getting more and more depressed as time went on . In fact I almost decided not to go into work today because he seemed particularly down and I was quite worried . " " Yeah , " Sheridan responded . " After all the crap that went down at my last school , like I said , I 've simply been trying to avoid people . Obviously that hasn 't worked , as things haven 't been exactly perfect since we moved here either . A hundred times better though . Then I saw you , but you hardly knew I existed and I didn 't have the nerve to talk to you . That was the hardest part . I was sure you were straight and if I did talk to you , you 'd figure I was gay and my life would be pure hell again . " " Trust me , " I said , " I noticed you . But I was playing the closet game so I didn 't have the nerve to talk to you either . Now I wish I had . It would have made things so much easier for you . I 'm so sorry I didn 't . " Sheridan then explained about the notebook , losing it , and how scared he was that someone would find it and expose him . How terrified he was that I would be dragged down with him and hate him for it . He then explained how I was the one who found it and read it . How I thought he might in danger and had come over . That I had come over at exactly the right time and had stopped him . All three of us were crying by the time he was finished . After we all had a few moments to collect ourselves , we talked at length about the fact that nothing is as bad as it may seem at the moment , and nothing is worth ending your life over . She made us both promise that no matter how bad we felt , we would always come to her , my mom , someone , anyone , for help before doing anything drastic . We may need a little help from time to time along the way , but things always get better and we should be around to see it . When we were pretty much talked out , she looked at me and said , " Casey , I don 't know what to say . Thank you . I don 't know what I would do if I ever lost Sheridan . " " I had actually better get going . Dinner and homework , " I said . " We 'll pick you up for school tomorrow … about 8 : 15 okay ? " Sheridan followed me to the door and gave me a huge hug and quick kiss . He was grinning from ear to ear when he stepped back . " See you in the morning , " he said . I was on cloud nine all the way home . I can 't remember feeling happier . As soon as I got home I called Brian . He was over in about thirty seconds pumping me for details . When I told him about approaching the garage door , he actually turned a little pale . " Kinda makes you believe in fate , or something , doesn 't it ? " Brian said . " I mean , what are the odds that everything just happened purely by coincidence ? " " I can 't imagine feeling that scared and hopeless , " Brian remarked . " I guess I 'm pretty lucky . My life has been easy compared to his . " I explained the rest of the afternoon . I got a big grin and a thump on the arm when I mentioned kissing Sheridan . It was after nine when he finally decided to head for home to start his homework . Of course he was thoughtful enough to bring me my homework assignments . He even gave me a little hug before he stepped out of the front door and sprinted for home . Brian , Sam , and I arrived at Sheridan 's house the next morning . When we pulled up , I jumped out of the car and ran up to the front door . Sheridan must have been watching for us because the door opened before I got a chance to knock on it . I don 't think I have ever seen anyone smile as big as he was when he opened the door . I stayed pretty close to Sheridan all day . It wasn 't all that hard since we had all the same classes . He sat with us at lunch , which got a few looks from a some of the other students . I guess they were so used to seeing him sitting alone at the corner table that seeing him with us aroused their curiosity . That , and the fact that he was obviously suddenly neither quiet nor shy . After school , we met up at Brian 's car . Since their food is always great , we decided to stop at Malley 's for a bite to eat . It turned out to be a lot of fun . The longer we talked , the more comfortable Sheridan was becoming around Brian and Sam . He was actually really funny and had all of us laughing most of the time we were there . After spending an hour or so , though , it was time to leave and head home . Mom had no problem with it . As it happens , she and some of the girls from work were going a restaurant and then to the corner pub for a drink . I would have been fixing my own dinner , macaroni and cheese with wieners cut up and mixed in . Stew would beat the hell out of mac and cheese . In fact , it was so good that both Sheridan and I had two big helpings . Of course that thrilled his mom . Our compliments about how good it was didn 't hurt either . Sheridan and I helped clean up after dinner and then went to his room to do our homework . Thankfully that only took about an hour . Then we were free to talk , cuddle , play a couple of video games , and cuddle some more , before I had to head home . I was in an such awesome mood as I walked home I couldn 't help but wonder why I had waited so long to talk to Sheridan . I could have felt like this months ago if I had . But I guess the time just wasn 't right or something . My being a closet case , his wariness , and each not knowing the other was gay , might have had something to do with it . It didn 't matter anyway . We were together now . We were happy now . That 's what mattered . I woke the next morning actually looking forward to going to school . Well , looking forward to being with Sheridan is more like it . Brian , Sam , and I once again picked Sheridan up and we made our usual trip through Tim Horton 's drive - through , got our coffees and headed for school . This morning however , as we walked across the parking lot , Shamus and Alex caught up to us . " Oh come on , you two have been staring at each other for months . And then yesterday , " Alex said with a grin , " it was like … WOW . You were both happier than we 've ever seen you , especially you , Sheridan . You rode to school together , never got more than three feet apart all day , had lunch together , and rode home together . We didn 't need gaydar to figure out something happened between you two . " The six of us walked into the school together . To say we attracted attention again would be another understatement . First , it was the second day Sheridan had been with us and not alone as usual . Second , as Alex said , we were both noticeably happier , especially Sheridan , who was laughing and carrying on an animated conversation with us . Third , we were talking and joking with Shamus and Alex , a very prominent out and proud gay couple . And fourth , we were soon joined by Jason and Miles as well as Chase and Leo who , I probably don 't need to mention , are also well known gay couples . As the day progressed , it seemed to become quite obvious we had definitely been noticed . We got smiles from numerous people . Several of the girls became all giggly and weird every time we passed them . Some kids actually came up to us and said they were happy for us or they thought we were cute together or something to that effect . To say the very least , it was weird . Since he didn 't actually know anyone , I was afraid that Sheridan might find all the attention overwhelming , but he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it . The other thing that was notably different was the fact that the guys who had harassed him , didn 't . In fact , they didn 't even come anywhere near us . When school got out , we decided to stop at Malley 's again . We walked in , found a table and put in our order . An hour of chit chat and laughter later , we were on our way home , my home . Tonight , was Sheridan 's night to meet my mom . I had told Mom all about him , except for the garage incident . I didn 't think she needed to know about that part of Sheridan 's history . " Oh yes , " Mom replied . " All good . And call me Carol please . Mrs . Gordon makes me feel like I 'm still at work . " With that , we headed down the hall to my room , spread our books out on the floor and started our homework . Of course , no homework session is complete without a kiss or two . Before we knew it , Mom was calling us for dinner . During dinner , we chatted about school , hobbies , interests , and so on . Mom , of course , was trying to learn as much about Sheridan as she could without looking like a police interrogator . When he mentioned life in his other school , and to some extent in our school , you could almost see Mom 's blood pressure rise . " When are we finally going to call bullying what it is … assault , aggravated assault , or attempted murder ? " she asked . " If an adult did half what these low - life school bullies do , they would be arrested , charged , and end up in jail . Instead , they 're left alone to continue unchecked . It makes me so angry . " " That 's what I mean , " Mom responded . " I would get charged . But if some school kid did that to another kid , it 's ' boys will be boys ' or ' girls will be girls ' and nothing happens . " Five minutes later , we were enjoying Mom 's peach cobbler and our conversation became significantly lighter and more enjoyable . After dinner we helped Mom clean up , put everything away and did the dishes . Once that was all done , we retreated to my room , turned on some music and flopped down across my bed and talked . The main topic of our conversation was how happy we both were - and how glad we were that Sheridan was still here to enjoy it . We did a bit of philosophizing about high school too . " Right now , being here with you , I can 't believe I almost threw it all away . How is it that we can let our fear of what might be , take control of us ? I mean , I just assumed the worst and went with it . Like , I didn 't see any other option , even though there were tons of other options … like this one , " he said as he cuddled up to me and kissed me on the cheek . " Like your mom said , " I responded , " nothing is as bad as it may seem at the moment , because it is ' at the moment ' . And nothing is worth ending your life over . Especially at our age . We have so much life ahead of us and high school , as shitty as it might be , is going to be some distant , vague memory in no time . It 's maybe 4 % of our life . That 's like nothing . " " And the biggest mistake most of us make is that we allow others to determine who we are and where we fit in , " he said . " Just using the terms jocks , bullies , and nerds , we are telling kids who they are , where they fit in , and how they should behave . Why can 't we all just be kids ? Kids learning about life , each other , our differences , our similarities , and accept that we are all different and yet all the same . Young , confused , looking for love , acceptance , and happiness . Why can 't we look at each other without judging each other ? " " I think society drills it into us that ' boys are boys ' and ' girls are girls ' , I replied . " The typical stereotypes that we are supposed to live up to are set for us even before we start school . And if we don 't fit the stereotype , we become targets . " We quickly found ourselves walking the six blocks to Dairy Queen . We each ordered a caramel pecan sundae and a vanilla shake and sat by the front windows to enjoy our snack and people watch . About ten minutes after we got there , one of the guys from the group that hassled Sheridan walked in with his girlfriend . After they got their order , they came over and sat in the booth next to ours . There was definitely some tension in the air at that point , especially for Sheridan . After a few minutes , the guy tapped Sheridan on the shoulder . " I feel bad , " he added , " because I should have stood up for you and told them to back off . I know this is no excuse , but they 're my friends and teammates . And … I guess … I was scared they 'd get on my case for standing up for a gay kid . " " Okay … so … I don 't want to sound stupid here … but you 've always been gay ? " he sort of asked me . " It 's just no one ever suspected . Well until Sheridan … well you and Sheridan … I don 't know … got all close and everything … and were talking to Shamus and Alex and their crew . " " To answer your question , " I said , " yeah , I 've always been gay . You can 't just turn gay . And , just ' cause you talk to gay guys doesn 't make you gay . " We actually sat and visited for almost an hour before we all decided that maybe we should go home . I think we all left Dairy Queen feeling we had made a couple of new friends . I know we left feeling better about things , if nothing else . Our feelings were reinforced the next morning when Jake and Katy joined Brian , Sam , Sheridan and I and started chatting as we walked across the parking lot and into the school . His response was , " Oh , yeah … Kevin asked why I was talking to you . When I said we 'd talked at DQ last night and I thought you were pretty cool , he didn 't push it . And things have been good with us all morning . " Then he got up and joined the others in his group . Jake just looked at us , grinned , and shrugged . We just grinned back as Brian and Sam joined us . What really blew us away happened about a week later as school was getting out one day . As we were standing outside the school waiting for Brian and Sam , one of the ' cool ' guys decided to pick on one of the ' uncool ' guys . He was mouthing off about the fact that faggots weren 't welcome in our school . We were just about to walk over and say something when Kevin walked over to the guy and said something to him . The guy looked a little shook up at whatever it was Kevin said and immediately walked away . As he did , Kevin spoke to the guy being harassed who smiled and said something back to Kevin before he walked off . Then , Kevin looked our way and just smiled as he took his girlfriend 's hand and walked towards his car . That was proven when we were talking to Shamus and Alex one day . They mentioned how they hadn 't seen anyone getting hassled for at least the last couple or three weeks . When we told the story about Jake and then Kevin , they were surprised to say the least . As it turns out , the bullying did come to a stop . There was the occasional incident , but that was it . The ' cool ' guys had decided it wasn 't ' cool ' anymore and life became much more tolerable for a lot of kids . School became school rather than a place to dread . Well , maybe some still dreaded it , but it wasn 't because they were being hassled or bullied . Shamus was the valedictorian for the graduation ceremonies . He gave the usual thanks to the teachers and parents . Then he spoke of the new tolerance , acceptance , and understanding that we had experienced during the year . He spoke of how one student 's acceptance and support had changed the attitudes of many . How that change of attitude had given all students a set of high school memories they could embrace with a smile . As he closed his speech , he grinned and pointed at Jake . When he did , the entire banquet hall erupted in a deafening round of applause and cheering . Jake , of course , turned a very deep shade of red , but had the biggest smile ever . As far as we were concerned , Jake deserved every decibel of that applause . He had befriended and stood up for Sheridan and me . In doing so , he had made guys like Kevin think about what they were doing to the kids they picked on . He helped them realize that standing up for the less ' cool ' kids was ' cooler ' than picking on them . And , whether our decision to get ice cream that night was coincidence or fate , once again , who knows ? |
We got back to our room in the hotel in which we were lecturing and I pulled off my wheelchair gloves and noticed that it was gone . We searched everywhere . We spoke to the hotel manager and the conference staff and the organization manager and I announced it to the audience , but , no ring . This whole thing is my fault . Over the past several weeks the ring had become very loose on my finger . I don 't know if it 's because my hands have become quite hardened to the work of pushing my wheelchair long distances , up impossible ramps and down long carpeted corridors , but my fingers got smaller and my ring didn 't . I had said , the day before , that when we got back , I needed to get the ring sized . Here 's the thing though . Neither Joe or I were really torn up about it . We were saddened of course , and then there 's the fact that the ring wasn 't cheap , but we reacted like we 'd lost some thing , nothing more , a thing . It 's a thing that is symbolic in its way , but we have lots of symbols . Joe said , " Losing the ring is one thing , losing the commitment would matter . The commitment is still there , the loss of a ring doesn 't change that . " He had put into words what I was thinking . It had been bothering me that it wasn 't bothering me the way that I thought it would . I hope I don 't sound cold here , I was sad . But I wasn 't devastated . And we were both reconciled to the lost ring by morning . If it turned up we 'd be happy , if it didn 't we 'd drive away one ring less . As we were rearranging things for the flight home Joe found the ring I used to wear , before the wedding . It had been tucked away in a pocket of the computer case . I slipped it on my ring finger and we were good to go . The last several days have been exciting , challenging and frightening . I don 't know why but I decided , when invited to speak in Minneapolis and Rothschild , that I would do three new lectures , one of the them a full day one . I had grown comfortable with the day long lectures that I do , I was perfectly happy with making small moderation to the shorter lectures , I 'm 64 , I was into coasting . But there was something pulling me , or pushing me , or motivating me in some way to branch out and challenge myself , to say out loud to an audience what I was saying deep inside to myself . So , months before I would have to do any of these things , I agreed to the topics and wrote up the blurbs for them . Problem is , what you think is doable in four months , looks a lot less doable and a lot more frightening when time arrives . I kept saying to Joe how angry I was at myself for doing this to myself . It was like back being a novice speaker , getting materials ready and reviewed before going to bed , getting up really early the next morning and rewriting the lecture notes out long hand . Trying to figure out timing and not really knowing if I had enough , too much or if the whole thing hung together . Every day , after finishing , I would be exhausted . Luckily I always had more material than I needed but unluckily that meant that I never got the ' whole ' of the message in , with the exception of the day long lecture . Thing is people don 't know what they didn 't hear so I got away with it , but I knew what I 'd wanted to say and made notes of where to cut and where to expand the next time , if there is a next time , I do these topics . We fly home tomorrow , being done now , and it felt good . The lectures were well received but more than that , it felt good to get out of my comfort zone and tackle some new issues . The introduction of Disability Informed Therapy , in the day long lecture , for example , gave me great pleasure . Saying what I really , really , really wanted to say about how we approach and understand service to people with disabilities felt so incredibly good . That people responded well was gravy , or icing on the cake , or in my case sugar free strawberry jello . Every now and then I am reminded , with a shock , that the world isn 't what it used to be for many people with intellectual disabilities . Over the last few days I 've been reading posts from or chatting with some people with disabilities that I met a long time ago . These are all people who I met at conferences or who had attended my trainings , or who had been introduced to me by their staff at some point or another . We 've connected now on Facebook and I follow their posts and , on occasion we catch up by messaging each other . This is such a normalized behaviour for me now that I don 't think about it much . There 's a lot of people who I interact with in this way . I don 't automatically break these connections down into categories of people . . . they are people I know . But sometimes , when things happen fast , I do notice . I notice not the disability in particular but the life the person with the disability is living . I notice the engagement that people have in their world or with others in their community . I notice that they are caught up in life , in the best way possible . I think this is noticeable to me because I grew up in a world without disabled people in it . I began work in an institution because community services didn 't exist or if they did they were in their infancy . No one could have imagined what was coming down the pike , no one knew that freedom was on its way . I read through these , comment or like when necessary , chat when appropriate , but mostly I am bear witness to the fact that people with intellectual disabilities , who given freedom , live it . Freedom has it 's joys and freedom has it painful moments , but freedom 's opposite is captivity . And while captivity would have all the pain of freedom but none of it 's joys . There are people with disabilities who still live captive . Who still hear keys jingle in every pocket but their own . I am reminded , when I notice the lives lived by those with intellectual disabilities that I am connected with , that not everyone yet has the opportunity for freedom . Because there 's someone , somewhere , captive who , given freedom would make a chocolate cake for the bake table at their community bazaar . Someone , somewhere in captivity isn 't meeting a new boyfriend today at the chippy shop . Someone , somewhere , waits , to experience the highs and lows of freedom . We are in a small city in the middle of Wisconsin where we arrived after a several hour drive from Minneapolis . When we checked in , I had to set up to do a webinar for Vita and for The National Alliance of Direct Support Professionals . I 'm always nervous before one of these and was glad of the time I had to prepare for the hour long ' conversationar ' which is really what it is . Once a month we go on air and chat with the author of the most recent article of The ' International Journal for Direct Support Professionals . The conversation , as always we engrossing and the hour up quickly . They make me nervous , these things , but I love what I learn while doing them . Afterwards I told Joe that I 'd like to get out and go to the grocery store to pick up supper . Our hotel room has a fridge and a microwave so we can cook our own supper . We headed to a store not far from the hotel and went in . Now this is a small city , everyone seemed to know everyone , and then in we come . Me , with my weight and my chair , arriving anywhere new is like throwing a massive boulder into a pond . People look , they stare , they make comments . I know I 'm facing that going in so I can prepare . One of the reasons I wanted to go to the store was because I 'd felt cooped up , I 'd spent the day in the car or our new hotel room working . I wanted a bit of a ' run ' in my chair . So I started whipping up and down the aisles getting in as much speed and distance as I could . The exercise made my shoulder feel good , my back stretched out , it was all great . But what was awesome was . . . though there were people in the store , none took much notice of me . It was like they saw big men on wheels zipping around their local grocery store on a regular basis . Several figured out what I was doing , this never happens , and made sure that I had a clear pathway to get up speed and race down the aisle . It was strange just to be in a place and just doing what I needed and wanted to do , and have it not be remarkable . But after about 20 minutes , I did , I took it off , I felt safe . It 's been years since I 've dared to do this and I couldn 't believe how much the protection I carry weighed . I felt free for a moment . I noticed a long pathway , with no one in it , right near the end of my run . I decided to hit it and hit it hard to see if I could really make the chair fly . When my power wheelchair last broke down , which it has again , I was visited by an assessor kind of person who has to sign off on my need for a new wheelchair . Foolishly , when my chair was repaired , I rescinded the request and now will have to go through it again and , of course , pay for it again . But when she was there , and when she learned that I was a wall walker , she asked if I had thought about using a walker , she thought that I 'd be safer that way . I told her that I didn 't think I needed one at this point and we moved on to the rest of her evaluation . So , we spent the weekend between gigs here in Minneapolis in a hotel that has a small gym . I noticed someone using the treadmill and holding on to it as if it were a giant walker . I got an idea . I told Joe that I would like to try using the treadmill as long as he was there with me , as long as I could step up on it , as long as it didn 't go fast and as long as I could grab on to something sturdy that would keep me from falling over . Joe looked a bit fearful at the idea , having been there for a couple of nasty falls in the past , but agreed . The room was empty and I rolled my chair right up beside the walker . I got out and stepped up on it and then we had to figure out the controls . I got off the treadmill and back in the chair as we tried to suss out what all the buttons were for , I didn 't want to go flying off and I admit that I didn 't want to embarrass myself . Finally we understood how to work it and I got on again . With great fear we started it up and it went really slowly , just perfect for me . It was sturdily built and I was able to lean down on it hard , holding myself in position as my feet moved below me . It wasn 't comfortable and my arms tired more quickly than my legs did , and I have strong arms . But I managed seven whole minutes . Over the weekend I got that up to ten minutes at a slightly quicker pace . I know that the idea of me on a treadmill is comic to some and , oddly , a betrayal to others , but it was just me trying something new , trying something I didn 't think I could do . Do I imagine myself one day running on a treadmill ? No , of course not , I 'm good with that not being in the cards . Do I imagine using it again ? Yeah , I do . Why not ? I 'm a wall walker , I 'm simply using an electronic walker . I followed them into the store , they , to a one , briefly looked back and saw me . Most dismissed me right away only a couple let their eyes linger and their giggles bubble forth . There were about eight of them . Boys and girls , all in their very early teens and all out for an afternoon in the mall . I had seen the store before I saw them heading there , it 's one where I wanted to pick up a gift for a friend , and when I noticed them , I nearly turned around . But , I reminded myself , this is my mall too , this is my space too , it is my right to be here . I think I might shock you if I told you how often I have to remind myself of those simple facts . Once in the store I saw that there was a mom there with a boy , maybe 8 , with an intellectual disability . He saw the other kids come into the store and made a bee line for the back of the store . His mother called to him , and called to him , and called to him to come to the cash register and pay for his purchase . I 'm sure that she heard the kids chatting amongst themselves loudly about ' special needs ' and though they didn 't say the ' r word ' they communicated their view of him as other and as different and as less . Mom wanted out of the store , her son didn 't want to leave the back of the store . Joe comes in at this point and I have an opportunity to do something . I could see that mom didn 't want a scene , she didn 't want to confront the kids , she just wanted to make the purchase and get the hell out of the store . It had become toxic at the entry of the freshly churched children . I rolled over by them and began telling Joe , loud enough for them to hear , what was going on . That these kids were mocking a disabled boy and , of course , me too , by how they spoke about disability with such disrespect . They heard me . I thought they 'd care . They didn 't . I had thought that I could shame them . I couldn 't . They didn 't care what someone like me said , what someone like me thought . They also didn 't stop . They began , under their breath , mimicking mom 's desperate plea for her son to come to the cash register . I rolled over by him and then rolled back towards where his mother stood . He followed me , head down , like he was hiding behind me . There are times I am so freaking thankful to be tall and fat and in a wheelchair . This was one of those times . I 'm in line with my purchase behind these kids . The clerk serves them and then wishes them a good day . I didn 't understand why the clerk hadn 't done something , he 's the one in charge of the space , he 's the one with the obvious power . So , I asked . I asked him if he 'd heard the kids making fun of the young boy with Down Syndrome . He said that he had . He said that it disgusted him and that behaviour like that makes him want to vomit . There was a truth and a vehemence in his words that surprised me . He went on to say that he was in the special needs class in his school for many years , he told me of his own diagnosis and a bit of his journey . He said that he got teased daily , but that it wasn 't at all like his classmates got . He said that when it happens in the store he just freezes , like he 's 11 again , and alone and not knowing what to do . I immediately felt sorry for having , in my mind judged him for his inaction . Everyone has a story . Everyone has a journey . I have lived in my body and ' the community ' for a very long time . I have seen myself reflected in the glass of the mirror and reflected in the eyes of those , like you , repulsed by me . So , yes , I know what you saw . You saw my body . But , of course , I know what you didn 't see . You didn 't see anything that even a warm greeting would have elicited . You wouldn 't have heard the warmth in my voice as I responded to a casual hello , because , of course , you didn 't offer one . Instead you offered me your face . You probably know you are handsome . At 18 or 19 , you have a good solid set of shoulders , you have blond hair dusted with bits of gold , you have the bluest eyes . I know you know that too . You will have seen it in the mirror , you will have seen your likeness reflected in the eyes of people , even strangers , who admire how you cut your way through air . I imagine you spend time in the mirror smiling at what smiles back . I imagine you check , maybe with some panic , for flaws and are pleased with finding none , or none that really matter . You probably have never seen the face that you showed me . All I was doing was coming out of a door that you wanted to come through . You had to wait a second , just a second , but that was too much for the likes of me . People like me can 't expect , of people like you , manners , or courtesy or decency . We are too low in your estimation . You made it clear who you thought you were and who you thought I was . But you forget , in your moment of superiority , that I see you too . But you don 't think about that . You don 't think about that face of yours , you don 't concern yourself with the angularity of your movements when angry , you don 't think of that fact that while you cannot , at that moment , see inside of me , I can see inside of you . It took some work but we managed to replace the footrest on my chair . We found a company , Reliable Medical Supply who were able to assist us quickly , easily , and without fuss . I rode out of the building , the new footrest on and I felt completely restored . I 'd ridden around pushing and holding my one leg up at the same time for a couple days and as a result had pulled muscles in my back and tired those in my leg . I had to ask Joe to push me a couple of times , but only when , on break , I had to get to the bathroom quickly . At the end of the day we went to a very large grocery store that , miraculously , wasn 't busy . I set to doing a very long push , up and down every aisle and back and forth across the store . I needed to exercise but I also needed to feel in control again . It was great . I knew I 'd done a long distance , I had tired myself out , and I knew sleep would come easily . There was a moment though that I wanted to tell you about . We 've forgotten our blue badge so we can 't park in wheelchair parking . It had been raining so Joe let me off at the door and , though there was quite a up slope into the store , I knew that I could do it easily . I was pushing up when a customer coming in ran at me , arms out , ready to inflict help upon me . I didn 't see her coming . I did hear a voice saying , " Don 't , he didn 't ask ! " When I got to the top I looked back to see a young woman with Down Syndrome , standing watching me . She stayed and waited until I was up the slope and in the store . I thanked her . She said , " I hate it when people just help me . It 's just another way to call me stupid and helpless . " I told her that she was right . I didn 't like the message behind unasked for help . Yesterday I posted something I thought very funny on Facebook . I had been rolling around in the pharmacy department of the grocery store where we were shopping and I noticed , for no reason at all , that they had a huge selection of men 's incontinence wear . I really surprised that , at my size , they had some that would fit me . Hell , I have to go to to big and tall store to buy clothes and here were incontinence briefs in my size . I joked with Joe that now I could relax and grow old . We both laughed . I that I was going to put this on my Facebook page . Immediately people began responding , I was gathering a lot of ' likes ' and a lot of smiley faces . I was glad because I thought it funny too . The someone responded saying that they were surprised at my post and asked if I was making fun of people like her son who , because of his disability is incontinent and doesn 't find it funny . My first response was a little bit of annoyance , let 's be honest here , because , to me , obviously I was making fun of me , my size and my age . It was just a joke . A few seconds later , I can 't think while annoyed , I clearly saw her point . I didn 't have time to do anything other than delete the post . It wasn 't a hard decision for me . I hadn 't thought through what I 'd written and what it could mean to others . My bad . It was the last one that got me , I shouldn 't censor myself because of the sensitivities of others . That 's the one that made me glad I had done what I had done . Because of course I should . I don 't want my writing or my speaking to cause unnecessary pain or distress to people . I want to challenge people , that 's my job , but when a joke , which has no meaning other than to be a joke , is one that could easily be interpreted as making fun of others , in this case , others who wear incontinence products , I am compelled to delete it . Of course I am . Moreover , I 'm glad she came on and had the courage to challenge me . I hope people continue to take me on and say , ' hey , do you hear what you are saying ' . . . I am old enough now not to be threatened by the idea that I 'm not always right . That I get things wrong . That I don 't always think things through . I am again facing wheelchair problems . After arriving yesterday we decided to go out for lunch . Got out of the car and into the chair and SNAP my footrest broke off . This happens often enough to be tedious and it meant that we had to go into the restaurant and then do some shopping with me pushing while holding up one leg . We were lucky this happened after getting through the airport and into a rental car and to the hotel . The big stuff was done . We were also lucky that I had the ability to manage with it fairly well today but that 's where the luck ends . This is a trip where I decided to challenge myself . I 'm doing three brand new lectures , one of them a full day workshop . I didn 't need to have the additional challenge of wheelchair problems along the way . But things happen when they happen and we deal because we have to deal . We arrived at the airport and I pushed myself to the check in area . There I was spotted by a woman , an employee , who came over to ask me if I needed to go to special services to get me to the gate , then she looked at Joe and said , " Or , will you be taking him ? " I said , archly , " There is a third option , I can take myself there . " She looked flustered and trying not to slip into annoyance , " I suppose . " Now , I 'm not quibbling with her pointing out where special services was , I know where it is , I 'm a frequent flyer , but many wouldn 't . I was just annoyed that my ability to get myself where I was going was simply discounted as an option . I 'm disabled . I must need help . That is the natural order of things . Now , there isn 't anything wrong with needing help or asking for help . What 's wrong is the assumption that , of course you need it . It would only have taken her a few more words to make the interaction respectful rather than disrespectful . The lowering of expectations for people with disabilities is a killer . It kills the will to try . It kills the push to push . It kills the desire to dig deeper wells . Later that same day Joe and I were going out a door . A clerk who worked there dashed to the door saying that they 'd hold the door for us . Joe was already through and holding the door . I said , " It 's okay , we 've got this . " We heard a loud exasperated sigh , then , " You mean I 'm not needed ? " It was said as a joke . But it wasn 't a joke . I see so many people with intellectual disabilities who bow under the weight of others needs to be needed . I see so many who live limited lives because of limitations set by others . Tragic . I know I will , throughout my day , need help unexpectedly . I will drop something under my desk . I will need something carted from my office to the board room , and back . Any of a thousand different things could happen where I would need to ask someone for help . A thousand different things that non - disabled people would not need help to do . Luckily for me it doesn 't happen a lot , but in order to say that I 've had to redefine ' a lot ' . Once or twice daily , isn 't a lot is it ? My strategy was to go to the ' designated kind person ' route . I spoke to a couple of people at work who I really thought wouldn 't mind . It was hard doing this because I can 't think of a single person at work who would mind . Most probably I went with people I felt comfortable asking for help . I chose well , they agreed without question . That 's when I really kind of discovered that once or twice daily may be a little closer to ' a lot ' thank I 'm good with . Even so , I went with this system . Even if there was someone else I could ask , I 'd wait for my designated kind person to come by , or I 'd call for them . They were always good about it . But I noticed that those who were closer , or those of whom it would have been more natural to ask for help , seemed to wonder why they had been excluded from the request . I had been exploiting the kindness of a couple people because of my discomfort in asking other people . I laid it all on them . I know , I know , I know , it didn 't bother them and , in fact , they seemed to enjoy helping out , but that didn 't matter . It wasn 't their help I was using , I was using them to avoid asking others . I was using them when I didn 't need to . . . a kind of exploitation of their niceness . Well , a couple weeks ago I stopped doing that . Nice does not mean , up for exploitation . Nice does not mean being on an exclusive list to be helpful . Nice does not mean ' use me ' . So , as I joke about this , " I spread the joy around . " I was right , everyone at the office is nice about it . No one minds giving a quick hand . And two people are no longer on the hook for my every single need , it 's shared around by who 's around . It was hard for me to start asking others , there 's a vulnerability in acknowledging need and accepting help , but I needed to do something to ensure that someone 's niceness doesn 't land them the responsibility of meeting every single need for help that I have . Her staff can see that somethings wrong , but she won 't talk about it . She needs little support , she can manage her own money , she can shop and cook nutritious meals , she is well liked in the building in which she lives . When staff visits , she 's strict about her privacy . They can come in for tea , but they are not allowed in her kitchen or her bedroom . She had always before enjoyed the staff 's visits , because she got lonely and liked the chance to chat about ordinary , every day things that were going on in her life . Finally , when she 's too weak to resist , they get her to her doctor 's office . She 's extremely malnourished . The staff find out that she hasn 't eaten a real meal in weeks . She has no food in her home . Nothing . She is hospitalized for a few days . Her state of health has been seriously compromised . At first she didn 't want to talk about her kitchen , the lack of food , and the reason she hadn 't eaten . But finally she said that she didn 't have any money because she was helping out her friends . So when they asked if they could borrow some money , they always seemed to know when she had any , she gave . She gave until she bled . Once when she tried to hold back some money , to get groceries , her best ' friend ' asked her not to be mean and joked that she could stand to lose some weight anyways . She handed the money over , her friend said she needed it for rent . Staff had never noticed , on their visits , that she was lonely , because at the moment of their visits with her , she wasn 't lonely . They felt good about the visits because she appreciated them . They got into the habit of visiting her , of being on a social call , that they forgot the had a job to do . They never asked why their visits mattered so much when she needed no assistance from them at all . They never spotted her loneliness and therefore never realized the vulnerability that comes with it . They knew that she took pride in being nice . They knew that she ' would give the shirt off her back ' and spoke of her in those terms . They didn 't realize that it 's just a saying , it 's not a way to live one 's life . They didn 't think of the vulnerability that comes with the compulsion to be ' nice ' to be seen as ' nice ' and to respond always in a manner consistent with the popular conception of nice . I 'm not staff blaming here . I 'm really not . Until the fact that she was starving started to show , there were no real signs for the staff to be concerned about . No one teaches people with disabilities of the true social dangers of the community , true . But no one teaches staff about the fact that people with visible intellectual disabilities have a target on their back and need a different kind of support when living independently in the community . Inclusion has sharp edges , but no one ever spoke to the staff about them and no one taught her how to avoid them . Being gay , excludes me from the family of God , though any family that excludes and banishes its children us unworthy of the word . I am routinely questioned about my faith from those who call themselves Christian and those who damn me for calling myself one . " You can 't be Christian , you 're gay ! " " Why would you call yourself a Christian , you 're gay . " These questions asked as if something as deep as my faith could be easily taken off or turned down . I have been affected by the rejection of other Christians . I have been affected by the words of preachers who would heap down on us death and calamity . I have been affected by the stubborn idea that disability is sin made flesh . Of course I have . It is at Easter that I most powerfully reconnect with how I understand who God is , what the miracle , through Jesus was , and why I wish to renew afresh my commitment to what I believe . For me , the gore of Good Friday , is not where the power of the story lie . Right now , all over the world , bodies are being broken , lives are being taken , people are being dehumanized . LGBT people are being thrown from rooftops , gathered up and tortured in concentration camps , slandered and scapegoated in churches across the world . And still , we love . Disabled people are locked away in institutions , are murdered to the applause of the media , are centred out as being in need of prayer and healing . It is clear that there is a stairway to heaven and that there is no ramp at the back door . And still , we live . Most of the time it 's just a simple , pleasant way to live your life . Most of the time , it gives you a high quality of life . When I was a boy , even though I was considered a fat , dumb , kid , I noticed that there were those people in the world who were just simply nice . I 'm not talking about ' polite nice ' but ' actual nice . ' I have a very strong memory of a party that my parents once threw at our house back when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old . By then I had already grown uncomfortable in my skin . I didn 't like to be seen or noticed . But you simply can 't hide being fat , you can 't hide the shame that you feel because you don 't fit into , well , anywhere very well . A woman came to the party , a guest of a guest . I don 't remember her name . I wish I did . I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable because she didn 't know anyone else at the party . She noticed , when I slipped into my room , that I had a collection of glass figurines , all of dogs . Rows and rows of different breeds , I picked each with care and with growing expertise , both in my knowledge of our canine friends and in my awareness of what made a notable figurine . Before I got through the door , she spoke to me asking me about my collection . I shyly opened the door for her . Leaving the door open , she pulled a chair into my room after asking me if it was okay that she did . I 'd been set up so many times that I was extremely wary and did not trust her intentions . But I relaxed as we talked about the collection and then , to my shock , about me . She told me a it about herself and her life growing up with dogs . I told her about how I saw dogs as more than pets , but as companions and , even , friends . About a half hour later someone came to the door and encouraged her to come out and join the party , she said that she would in a moment . We talked a little more but I noticed her glance to the door and I knew our time was winding down . She told me that I was a really interesting little boy and she wished me well . Later , I heard someone teasing her about spending time with me , " I can understand you feeling sorry for the kid but you must have be bored stiff . " She defended me . Said that the conversation she 'd had with me was the most interesting one that she 'd had that evening . " You are too nice for your own good , " she was told . There are many other definitions of ' nice ' but that 's the first that actively came my way . Up until then ' nice ' was just a word for something vaguely pleasant or pleasing . It was a word that with a change of tone became an insult . But at that moment , it became something more powerful than that . But I 'm better . I fell ill on Monday and it worsened over the week . I had three days off from work , but had to work Thursday , but came home and near collapsed from exhaustion . People think otherwise but I don 't actually get sick often . Particularly as sick as I have been . I hadn 't left the apartment for three whole days . Three days ! I go out every day . I love going out . But I couldn 't . I didn 't have the strength , and was sensitive to noise and smells and things I typically find tasty repulsed me . For me , and how I experience my life and my disability , sickness isn 't a part of it . I am much more debilitated by the flu or when I get an infection or even when I get a cold , than I am because of a silly wheelchair . I wasn 't housebound because I 'm a wheelchair user , I was housebound because they don 't put vomitariums at discrete locations throughout the public sphere . So , I 'm back to lie down . I 've got a good book , The Gustov Sonata , that I 'm reading , a perfect choice with short chapters and characters I care about . I 'm going to go and spend time with them , and my pillow and hopefully I 'll wake to a new store of energy or , if not , the ability to go out , even for five minutes . I saw a post on Facebook yesterday written by a woman who , that day , was getting a wheelchair and she was devastated . The comments were all caring , if ablist , about how hard she fought for , with an implied loss of , her independence . Now , I don 't know this woman . I see her name every now and then as I read her posts . But the fact that we are friends on Facebook means that there is a disability connection somewhere . But ' friend ' on Facebook , for me , is most often ' stranger ' in the real world . I wrote perhaps ten or twelve responses , and published none of them . I simply couldn 't post them . I just couldn 't . Even though I tried to be as kind and caring as I could be , even though I tried to give an optimistic point of view , I just felt that , at that moment , I 'd be intruding . But I also know that there are times when people need something different than what I have to give or than what I want to give . There are times when people need to feel what they are feeling without challenge and without implied confrontation . There are times when people don 't need me and my agenda . So , yes , I thought I had something to offer . But I read what she 'd written , a singles sentence . I read the emotion behind it . I read what I thought she was asking for . And I decided she didn 't need a dose of optimistic prattle about the positive life changes that can come into your life on wheels . It 's all true , but it seemed , to me , at that point , to simply be insensitive . It 's not always easy knowing how to best respond , and it 's really not easy to respond by simply shutting up . She 'll never know the battle I went through . But I hope , in this case , my silence was my way of letting her have the time and space to feel what she needed to feel . We 'd just gotten into the car to head off to the Palm Sunday service at our church . and Joe fired up the engine after all the seat belts were well and truly secured , when Sadie asked to play a ' car game ' called ' ABC Animal . ' This is a game that has been played over many , many years and across thousands of miles and it 's one that everyone but Sadie has lost interest in playing . My tolerance was a little lower than usual , because I usually can work up the enthusiasm to play the game with her , because I wasn 't feeling particularly well . I sat back into my seat and said , " I know a game we can play , a brand new one . " Out of that came a new game . We decided we 'd look for G . O . D . we had to spot words that started with either a , you guessed it , G . or a O . or a D . So that 's what we did . People called out Gerrard Street ! Ontario Medical ! Disability Supplies ! We laughed as we played and talked about what we were seeing . We were huddled up around the soup station . Sadie loves soup . Joe loves soup , I like soup and wanted to see what the veggie options were , Ruby reviles soup and was just with us to see what decisions were being made before she went over to the mac and cheese station . Joe was reading off the labels as to the kinds of soup available . We were together , we were a group . A man , on the other side of the station , looks to me , and says to me , " Can I help you get something . " I startled say , " No , thanks though . " He nodded and continued on getting soup for his family Later , when we were leaving the cafeteria I got to the doors out only to find that the door opener wasn 't working . A large group had gotten between me and Joe and the kids so I just stopped to let the group pass and then rejoin mine . One of the group held the door open and told me to go along through . I thanked him but said no . The area around the elevator up is small , I didn 't want to get trapped in the larger group . I wanted to wait . He insisted . I said , " No , I 'm here with my family , I will wait for them . " He insisted again . I said ' no ' again . He insisted again . I explained again , " I 'm waiting for my family , please go on through . " Then Joe , Ruby and Sadie arrive , by now most of his group has gone through the door . The kids see what 's happening and run to take the door from the man to hold for me . He has trouble letting them take the door but he does . " I really thought that you were alone , " he said , smiling . The man by the soup station , even though I was clearly part of a group , couldn 't see that group , he saw a person alone , and person who needed help . I can 't even imagine how desperately dark and depressing the scene he must have been seeing . The context for me being there he created sprung from somewhere . The man holding the door simply couldn 't believe me when I said I was with a ' family ' . He saw me as alone . He saw me as needing help . Another dark and depressing picture . Another projection of inner stereotype on outer reality . He heard what I said and must have thought that I was making up an invisible family in a desperate attempt to be seen as normal , and as loved , and as worthy . His surprise when they showed up was written on his face in the colours of prejudice . This to me , is the most dangerous idea that has wormed it 's way into the minds of the non - disabled . Disability creates isolation . Both men shook their heads one at my refusal of his help , the other when the girls took the door from him . I was no use to them . No part of the story they wanted to tell . What good is disability if it doesn 't feed the need of the non - disabled to be inspired by their own kindness and their own goodness ? They shook their heads . Yesterday I thought I had it in me to make 4K . I 'd done some smaller pushes but had topped out at 2 . 6K . But I was itching to try for 4 and I 'd arranged it so that I had time to give it a try . These things can be boring for Joe but he knew it was important to me so had arranged to walk with me some of the way but to go off and do other things when he felt the need to . You see , I can 't talk to him when I 'm pushing , I have to just simply push . We were at the mall that we go to do to his , a place that is well known for it 's mall walking program primarily because it 's a really big mall . One circuit is 1 . 3K . Their map marks out different lengths of walks . I had the pathway in my head and I started . I made the first round in 31 minutes , which , for me , is a record . But on the second round , something changed . As I went round it seemed that I caused a ripple as I went round . People turned . People gawked . People spat out hateful words . I went by a group of small boys with their dad , they saw me and began a loud , " Look how fat he is dad , look , look , look ! ! " One boy asked his dad how come I was so fat , his father answered simply , " Fat people are just really lazy . " I was on my second round of an attempt to do 4K in a heavy wheelchair and being called lazy . As I approached the food court a man was sitting with a baby carriage in front of him , they were directly in my path . I began to change the direction of my chair to go around them , when he pulled the carriage in and out of my way , just I was about to breathe out a ' thank you ' he said , " Must be awful to always be inconveniencing people . " Inconveniencing people ? ! I was pulling around him , he chose to move . And since when in simply being considerate and inconvenience ? There was a brief spell of nothing , people were either rushing in or rushing out of the mall thorough the the big exit doors there and I enjoyed the quiet and the temporary spate of invisibility . I pushed on and I pushed hard . There 's good flooring there and I could make good time . The respite would prove to be temporary , it picked up again . Until I couldn 't push a bit farther . I knew where the 3 . 25K mark was and I aimed for that . I got there and as it happened Joe joined me for the last few feet of my push . I came to a stop and told him that I simply couldn 't do the last . 75K . Everything hurt . My thumbs hurt . I propel this body and my chair with my thumbs . I had to ask Joe to push me to the washroom because when I stopped my body seized up . Coming out of the washroom , where I had used the privacy to do some cool down stretches as well as the TMI stuff , and I was able to push myself to the food court for a bite to eat , a bottle of water , and rest . I told Joe what had happened and what people had said , he told me that he had heard some of it . He wondered why I didn 't react . I told him that I wasn 't there that day for anyone but me . I wasn 't there to confront anyone 's prejudice . I wasn 't there to be an educational opportunity for the mean spirited or the bigots . I was there to accomplish a goal , which I very nearly did . I just had someone say to me that they ' don 't think of me as being disabled . ' I 'm afraid I rather lost it on them . Sadly , I was a bit incoherent in my response because the statement upset me so very much . You see , like many people with disabilities , I 'm fairly skilled at being disabled . I know how to exist in this world . I know how to adapt to the environments I 'm in . I know how to make difficult things easier . I know when I need help , I know when I don 't . I 'm the expert in my own disability , my own body and my own adaptations . I get that , because of that , someone may see me getting along just fine in the world . I get that they would translate that into the ' I don 't see you as disabled ' compliment . It 's not a compliment , of course , it 's a veiled insult . Disability is the opposite of competence . Disability is the opposite of getting alone . Disability is the opposite of accomplishment . Even so , I shouldn 't have told him to ' shut up . ' And I shouldn 't have told him that so loudly . At the moment that the non - compliment was given , I was exhausted from having a difficult night with the pain which I experience as a result of my disability . I spent much of my night moving from one to another to another of the positions which I can sleep in , each beginning with a relief of pain and each slowly waking me with its return . At the moment of that non - compliment I had just pushed myself up a steep hill , which I do normally , but today it was snow covered and I was having to use a pushing technique that I can do but that I find difficult . My coping , my adapting , my endurance was erased by that statement . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have dropped the ' f bomb ' several times during my response . When they say that I have ' the lived experience of having a disability , ' they are right . However , when that ' lived experience ' is one that becomes invisible as I learn more every day about what I can and can 't do and what adaptions work in what situations and how to orient my body in my chair in order to do what I want to do , people assume that the ' lived experience ' isn 't really all that different than the ' lived experience ' of those who walk and those who move through air as if it has no weight . At the moment that I was granted non - disabled status , I was feeling my disability in a very real way . It held meaning for me , and that meaning mattered . The dismissal and erasure of that experience angered me . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have used both ' ablist ' and ' asshole ' so closely together in a sentence . But what troubles me , is that I 'm sure an apology is expected . I 'm sure he feels the innocent victim of my anger . I 'm sure he sees himself as the one who gave a compliment and me as the one who lost a wee bit of control . So I will apologize , but for how I said what I said , but not for what I said . Yesterday I arrived at a meeting nearly an hour and a half early . Traffic had been better than anticipated and , then , well , um , I got the time wrong . So in that hour and a half I decided to lap the mall that the restaurant was attached to , I mean , why not ? Joe decided to head off and do some other stuff , he was with me to provide transportation and to sit in on the meeting , while I did my laps . So , I began . I hadn 't really done any long distance pushing since my trip to England and my muscles were a bit resistant , particularly when they woke up and realized what was happening , but I pushed through it and I pushed hard . The mall wasn 't busy so I had long stretches I could go at maximum speed . There was a young man in the mall speed walking , he was maybe 20 or 21 years old and he lapped me a couple of times . He was very , very , fast . On his third lap he put his fist out for me to ' fist bump ' I think it 's called , and I did so , without really breaking my stride ( what do you call it when pushing cause stride isn 't the right word ? ) . It was a nice acknowledgement from someone else in the mall doing what I was doing . The next time he lapped me he slowed down his pace but spoke really rapidly . He quickly explained to me that he wanted me to understand that he didn 't fist bump me because I had a disability or for any other reason , it was just because we were both obviously working out and it was a sign of encouragement and camaraderie ( he didn 't use that word but that 's what he meant ) . Clearly immediately after we had ' bumped ' it worried him how I might perceive it . This impressed me because sometimes people do stuff to people with disabilities that are really about us being disabled rather than us being part of a group focused on something else . That he would know that and worry about it was a bit of a surprise . I ended up chatting with a young fellow , to me that 's around 30 , with a disability on a ride to work . He asked me what I did for a living and then told me about his job , about which he was quite proud . Without even lowering his voice to become conspiratorial , he openly said that we weren 't like ' those others . ' And while he is right , the employment rate of people with disabilities is abysmal , it is so because of employers refusing to make accommodations either to their workplaces or to their mindset . I didn 't want to feel like he thought I was in a club with him , ' employed and valuable ' v ' unemployed and of significantly less value . ' So , I said so . He vehemently disagreed and did the ' if I can do it anyone can ' kind of speech that people find so inspirational . It 's not true of course , but people love that shit . Non - disabled people realize that since Chis Hatfield could be an astronaut then so can they . Time and talent and opportunity matter . Not everyone is fit for the same path , we are all resolutely making our own way and cutting our own path . I told him that I thought that argument ' nonsense ' . . . which was probably the wrong word to use and he reacted in a manner which I should have anticipated , he got angry . It was very important to him that he not identify with ' those people ' and it was clear that he identified with ' valued working people ' most of whom are non - disabled . He felt that his work raised his status and had him accepted as equal to his non - disabled colleagues . His value as a person was diminished by his disability but then enhanced by the fact that he held a job and was respected at work . He was shocked that I didn 't feel the same way , that I belonged to a , though he didn 't say this exactly , ' different class of disabled person . ' Then . THEN . He said that it annoyed him when people assumed that he was . . . and here he used the r word . . . maybe the first time I 've heard it spoken in casual conversation by another disabled person . That ' those people really had no place in a modern society . I challenged him on his use of the word , his hatred of people with intellectual disabilities and his own deeply held self hatred . I 've been bubbling this interaction around in my mind for a long time now . Because what came of it for me is that I do think that there is a ' right ' type of disabled person , one that his part of the disability pride movement and who values the disability experience and one who lives without need of approval of the non - disabled . He 's not that . I 'm having trouble not valuing him less . I just had a food accident . On the trip from fork to gob there is a bit of territory over my shirt that has to be traversed . A piece of yolk leapt from it 's bed of toast and landed on my shirt just beside the buttons , near the top . I quickly brushed it away and in doing so drew a line of yolk down the front of my shirt . I tried to wash it off but it just made the line bigger . I have to start work with my shirt looking like there is a yellow caution line running down the right side of my heart . I try to mask it by making a fold in my shirt but then realize that the fold is more obvious than the offending yellow streak and would have people wondering what I was hiding beneath the fold . Given I 'm in Canada the first thought wouldn 't be ' weapons ' . . . but who knows what else they might come up with . I 've decided to just leave it there and pretend it 's not there , or pretend it 's part of the design of the shirt . . . ' what you don 't have the latest in men 's fashion , yolk yellow chic ? ' Besides we all say that it 's what 's on the inside , which in this case is the rest of the yolk . But then they say that ' clothes makes the man . ' Um , I hope not , even on a good day with yolk - less shirts , I hope that 's not true . Now don 't think of me as anything more than a sit in the wheelchair and lift 25 pound dumbbells 30 reps , 10 at a time , in 8 different ways kind of guy . That 's for me , weight lifting . But besides the benefit of being able to push myself further and further and up steeper ramps , there 's another benefit . A few days ago Joe started to complain about pain in his shoulder . He 's got a doctors appointment all set up to check it out , but until then I decided that he would no longer load my wheelchair in or take it out of the trunk . I would take over that duty . We arranged for me to do this in an underground parking lot with no one around . I didn 't want to fall or look foolish in front of an audience . I needed to learn how to pick the chair up , how to position my body , how to get the car from trunk to ground and all without falling over myself . The first time wasn 't pretty . The second time still wasn 't pretty but it was effective . So it 's been a few days now that Joe has been able to completely rest his shoulder and that I 've been getting the chair out of the car . I 'm still a bit clumsy doing it , but I do it . The strength isn 't the problem , it 's the ballet movements involved in positioning and lifting , that 's the issue for me . Today Joe said his shoulder was feeling slightly better . I was so pleased . He 's still going to see the doctor to check it out , but I felt that I was actively helping him to heal . I was startled when I saw his name of the ' Today 's Birthdays ' list on my FaceBook page . Of course , I realized , FaceBook doesn 't know that he died last year . I clicked on his name and was taken to his page . It 's still there and several people used the opportunity of his birthday to write about what he meat to them and how much he was missed . I tried several times to write something , but I couldn 't . I had been thrilled to reconnect with him when I found his name of FaceBook . We chatted a couple of times and the old guy in the pictures I saw of him became the young guy I remembered . He was a sweet kid . I liked him . At one time I called him a friend . I had been steeling up to have a hard conversation with him , and I was nearly ready , when he passed away . It 's a conversation I 'll never have , it 's an apology I will never give , and for that , I grieve deeply . We were in grade 7 , I think when it all came out . But , I 'm getting ahead of myself . In the town I grew up in there were two schools , the elementary school and the high school . One went from grades 1 to 6 the other from 7 to 12 . We were all excited to be in the high school . Adjusting to the move from the oldest in one to the youngest in the other was difficult but the move , for all of us was more than symbolic . It was a real representation of our progress towards adulthood and , as we naively saw it , freedom . Walking into a classroom to see one of the teachers from the elementary school there was a shock . He had been transferred to the senior school and none of us was particularly happy about that . He was an odd man . His oddness wasn 't immediately obvious . In fact he was a good looking , highly presentable guy , who took care of his appearance . He was well spoken and gracious . In all senses he was a ' good role model ' for us boys . He was a teacher that often broke boundaries . He had favourites amongst the boys . He would take those boys who did best on the spelling tests on camping trips as rewards . They were nearly always the same boys . I wanted to go . But I never scored high enough . We never saw the scores of the winning boys , we just assumed that truth was being told and those kids were the best , the very best , at spelling . I don 't remember if the fellow I 'm writing about ever went on a camping trip . But I do know that he became teacher 's target in high school . He was smaller than all the rest of us , he would physically mature a grade or two later . I remember one day in particular . The teacher had been in an mood for the whole class . He was making jokes that none of us understood and behaving a bit erratically . I was in the desk beside the target boy . The teacher came and sat on his desk , said some silly things , and put his hand out to touch the student 's face . He squirmed in his seat . He glanced around him at all of us . Some were laughing . Most were not . We could see pain and fear all over him . Not just the expression on his face , but over his whole body . I let it happen . In front of me . I knew it was wrong . I didn 't know how wrong it was until later that year when the teacher was arrested and charged with sexually abusing several of the boys in my class . It had taken years for it to come out . The town went silent . One night , shortly after the charges , a mob of men and women , fired by anger , made its way to his home . He was not there , his wife , a really pretty woman , was there . She opened the door to them . She sobbed . She didn 't know . How could she have known . She was so sorry , but she didn 't know . I 'd failed another kid in my class . I didn 't know that the teacher was a sexual abuser , but I did know that he used his attentions and his affections to torture a fellow student in class in front of all of us . I know the teacher counted on his power to keep us silent . I was wrong then , and I would be wrong now should I ever think the same thing again . I had wanted to say to him that I saw what I saw and that my silence didn 't negate his experience or make it less real . I wanted to say that because I know , deeply , personally know , that silence is an invalidator . He 'll never know how deeply my regret runs . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
We got back to our room in the hotel in which we were lecturing and I pulled off my wheelchair gloves and noticed that it was gone . We searched everywhere . We spoke to the hotel manager and the conference staff and the organization manager and I announced it to the audience , but , no ring . This whole thing is my fault . Over the past several weeks the ring had become very loose on my finger . I don 't know if it 's because my hands have become quite hardened to the work of pushing my wheelchair long distances , up impossible ramps and down long carpeted corridors , but my fingers got smaller and my ring didn 't . I had said , the day before , that when we got back , I needed to get the ring sized . Here 's the thing though . Neither Joe or I were really torn up about it . We were saddened of course , and then there 's the fact that the ring wasn 't cheap , but we reacted like we 'd lost some thing , nothing more , a thing . It 's a thing that is symbolic in its way , but we have lots of symbols . Joe said , " Losing the ring is one thing , losing the commitment would matter . The commitment is still there , the loss of a ring doesn 't change that . " He had put into words what I was thinking . It had been bothering me that it wasn 't bothering me the way that I thought it would . I hope I don 't sound cold here , I was sad . But I wasn 't devastated . And we were both reconciled to the lost ring by morning . If it turned up we 'd be happy , if it didn 't we 'd drive away one ring less . As we were rearranging things for the flight home Joe found the ring I used to wear , before the wedding . It had been tucked away in a pocket of the computer case . I slipped it on my ring finger and we were good to go . The last several days have been exciting , challenging and frightening . I don 't know why but I decided , when invited to speak in Minneapolis and Rothschild , that I would do three new lectures , one of the them a full day one . I had grown comfortable with the day long lectures that I do , I was perfectly happy with making small moderation to the shorter lectures , I 'm 64 , I was into coasting . But there was something pulling me , or pushing me , or motivating me in some way to branch out and challenge myself , to say out loud to an audience what I was saying deep inside to myself . So , months before I would have to do any of these things , I agreed to the topics and wrote up the blurbs for them . Problem is , what you think is doable in four months , looks a lot less doable and a lot more frightening when time arrives . I kept saying to Joe how angry I was at myself for doing this to myself . It was like back being a novice speaker , getting materials ready and reviewed before going to bed , getting up really early the next morning and rewriting the lecture notes out long hand . Trying to figure out timing and not really knowing if I had enough , too much or if the whole thing hung together . Every day , after finishing , I would be exhausted . Luckily I always had more material than I needed but unluckily that meant that I never got the ' whole ' of the message in , with the exception of the day long lecture . Thing is people don 't know what they didn 't hear so I got away with it , but I knew what I 'd wanted to say and made notes of where to cut and where to expand the next time , if there is a next time , I do these topics . We fly home tomorrow , being done now , and it felt good . The lectures were well received but more than that , it felt good to get out of my comfort zone and tackle some new issues . The introduction of Disability Informed Therapy , in the day long lecture , for example , gave me great pleasure . Saying what I really , really , really wanted to say about how we approach and understand service to people with disabilities felt so incredibly good . That people responded well was gravy , or icing on the cake , or in my case sugar free strawberry jello . Every now and then I am reminded , with a shock , that the world isn 't what it used to be for many people with intellectual disabilities . Over the last few days I 've been reading posts from or chatting with some people with disabilities that I met a long time ago . These are all people who I met at conferences or who had attended my trainings , or who had been introduced to me by their staff at some point or another . We 've connected now on Facebook and I follow their posts and , on occasion we catch up by messaging each other . This is such a normalized behaviour for me now that I don 't think about it much . There 's a lot of people who I interact with in this way . I don 't automatically break these connections down into categories of people . . . they are people I know . But sometimes , when things happen fast , I do notice . I notice not the disability in particular but the life the person with the disability is living . I notice the engagement that people have in their world or with others in their community . I notice that they are caught up in life , in the best way possible . I think this is noticeable to me because I grew up in a world without disabled people in it . I began work in an institution because community services didn 't exist or if they did they were in their infancy . No one could have imagined what was coming down the pike , no one knew that freedom was on its way . I read through these , comment or like when necessary , chat when appropriate , but mostly I am bear witness to the fact that people with intellectual disabilities , who given freedom , live it . Freedom has it 's joys and freedom has it painful moments , but freedom 's opposite is captivity . And while captivity would have all the pain of freedom but none of it 's joys . There are people with disabilities who still live captive . Who still hear keys jingle in every pocket but their own . I am reminded , when I notice the lives lived by those with intellectual disabilities that I am connected with , that not everyone yet has the opportunity for freedom . Because there 's someone , somewhere , captive who , given freedom would make a chocolate cake for the bake table at their community bazaar . Someone , somewhere in captivity isn 't meeting a new boyfriend today at the chippy shop . Someone , somewhere , waits , to experience the highs and lows of freedom . We are in a small city in the middle of Wisconsin where we arrived after a several hour drive from Minneapolis . When we checked in , I had to set up to do a webinar for Vita and for The National Alliance of Direct Support Professionals . I 'm always nervous before one of these and was glad of the time I had to prepare for the hour long ' conversationar ' which is really what it is . Once a month we go on air and chat with the author of the most recent article of The ' International Journal for Direct Support Professionals . The conversation , as always we engrossing and the hour up quickly . They make me nervous , these things , but I love what I learn while doing them . Afterwards I told Joe that I 'd like to get out and go to the grocery store to pick up supper . Our hotel room has a fridge and a microwave so we can cook our own supper . We headed to a store not far from the hotel and went in . Now this is a small city , everyone seemed to know everyone , and then in we come . Me , with my weight and my chair , arriving anywhere new is like throwing a massive boulder into a pond . People look , they stare , they make comments . I know I 'm facing that going in so I can prepare . One of the reasons I wanted to go to the store was because I 'd felt cooped up , I 'd spent the day in the car or our new hotel room working . I wanted a bit of a ' run ' in my chair . So I started whipping up and down the aisles getting in as much speed and distance as I could . The exercise made my shoulder feel good , my back stretched out , it was all great . But what was awesome was . . . though there were people in the store , none took much notice of me . It was like they saw big men on wheels zipping around their local grocery store on a regular basis . Several figured out what I was doing , this never happens , and made sure that I had a clear pathway to get up speed and race down the aisle . It was strange just to be in a place and just doing what I needed and wanted to do , and have it not be remarkable . But after about 20 minutes , I did , I took it off , I felt safe . It 's been years since I 've dared to do this and I couldn 't believe how much the protection I carry weighed . I felt free for a moment . I noticed a long pathway , with no one in it , right near the end of my run . I decided to hit it and hit it hard to see if I could really make the chair fly . When my power wheelchair last broke down , which it has again , I was visited by an assessor kind of person who has to sign off on my need for a new wheelchair . Foolishly , when my chair was repaired , I rescinded the request and now will have to go through it again and , of course , pay for it again . But when she was there , and when she learned that I was a wall walker , she asked if I had thought about using a walker , she thought that I 'd be safer that way . I told her that I didn 't think I needed one at this point and we moved on to the rest of her evaluation . So , we spent the weekend between gigs here in Minneapolis in a hotel that has a small gym . I noticed someone using the treadmill and holding on to it as if it were a giant walker . I got an idea . I told Joe that I would like to try using the treadmill as long as he was there with me , as long as I could step up on it , as long as it didn 't go fast and as long as I could grab on to something sturdy that would keep me from falling over . Joe looked a bit fearful at the idea , having been there for a couple of nasty falls in the past , but agreed . The room was empty and I rolled my chair right up beside the walker . I got out and stepped up on it and then we had to figure out the controls . I got off the treadmill and back in the chair as we tried to suss out what all the buttons were for , I didn 't want to go flying off and I admit that I didn 't want to embarrass myself . Finally we understood how to work it and I got on again . With great fear we started it up and it went really slowly , just perfect for me . It was sturdily built and I was able to lean down on it hard , holding myself in position as my feet moved below me . It wasn 't comfortable and my arms tired more quickly than my legs did , and I have strong arms . But I managed seven whole minutes . Over the weekend I got that up to ten minutes at a slightly quicker pace . I know that the idea of me on a treadmill is comic to some and , oddly , a betrayal to others , but it was just me trying something new , trying something I didn 't think I could do . Do I imagine myself one day running on a treadmill ? No , of course not , I 'm good with that not being in the cards . Do I imagine using it again ? Yeah , I do . Why not ? I 'm a wall walker , I 'm simply using an electronic walker . I followed them into the store , they , to a one , briefly looked back and saw me . Most dismissed me right away only a couple let their eyes linger and their giggles bubble forth . There were about eight of them . Boys and girls , all in their very early teens and all out for an afternoon in the mall . I had seen the store before I saw them heading there , it 's one where I wanted to pick up a gift for a friend , and when I noticed them , I nearly turned around . But , I reminded myself , this is my mall too , this is my space too , it is my right to be here . I think I might shock you if I told you how often I have to remind myself of those simple facts . Once in the store I saw that there was a mom there with a boy , maybe 8 , with an intellectual disability . He saw the other kids come into the store and made a bee line for the back of the store . His mother called to him , and called to him , and called to him to come to the cash register and pay for his purchase . I 'm sure that she heard the kids chatting amongst themselves loudly about ' special needs ' and though they didn 't say the ' r word ' they communicated their view of him as other and as different and as less . Mom wanted out of the store , her son didn 't want to leave the back of the store . Joe comes in at this point and I have an opportunity to do something . I could see that mom didn 't want a scene , she didn 't want to confront the kids , she just wanted to make the purchase and get the hell out of the store . It had become toxic at the entry of the freshly churched children . I rolled over by them and began telling Joe , loud enough for them to hear , what was going on . That these kids were mocking a disabled boy and , of course , me too , by how they spoke about disability with such disrespect . They heard me . I thought they 'd care . They didn 't . I had thought that I could shame them . I couldn 't . They didn 't care what someone like me said , what someone like me thought . They also didn 't stop . They began , under their breath , mimicking mom 's desperate plea for her son to come to the cash register . I rolled over by him and then rolled back towards where his mother stood . He followed me , head down , like he was hiding behind me . There are times I am so freaking thankful to be tall and fat and in a wheelchair . This was one of those times . I 'm in line with my purchase behind these kids . The clerk serves them and then wishes them a good day . I didn 't understand why the clerk hadn 't done something , he 's the one in charge of the space , he 's the one with the obvious power . So , I asked . I asked him if he 'd heard the kids making fun of the young boy with Down Syndrome . He said that he had . He said that it disgusted him and that behaviour like that makes him want to vomit . There was a truth and a vehemence in his words that surprised me . He went on to say that he was in the special needs class in his school for many years , he told me of his own diagnosis and a bit of his journey . He said that he got teased daily , but that it wasn 't at all like his classmates got . He said that when it happens in the store he just freezes , like he 's 11 again , and alone and not knowing what to do . I immediately felt sorry for having , in my mind judged him for his inaction . Everyone has a story . Everyone has a journey . I have lived in my body and ' the community ' for a very long time . I have seen myself reflected in the glass of the mirror and reflected in the eyes of those , like you , repulsed by me . So , yes , I know what you saw . You saw my body . But , of course , I know what you didn 't see . You didn 't see anything that even a warm greeting would have elicited . You wouldn 't have heard the warmth in my voice as I responded to a casual hello , because , of course , you didn 't offer one . Instead you offered me your face . You probably know you are handsome . At 18 or 19 , you have a good solid set of shoulders , you have blond hair dusted with bits of gold , you have the bluest eyes . I know you know that too . You will have seen it in the mirror , you will have seen your likeness reflected in the eyes of people , even strangers , who admire how you cut your way through air . I imagine you spend time in the mirror smiling at what smiles back . I imagine you check , maybe with some panic , for flaws and are pleased with finding none , or none that really matter . You probably have never seen the face that you showed me . All I was doing was coming out of a door that you wanted to come through . You had to wait a second , just a second , but that was too much for the likes of me . People like me can 't expect , of people like you , manners , or courtesy or decency . We are too low in your estimation . You made it clear who you thought you were and who you thought I was . But you forget , in your moment of superiority , that I see you too . But you don 't think about that . You don 't think about that face of yours , you don 't concern yourself with the angularity of your movements when angry , you don 't think of that fact that while you cannot , at that moment , see inside of me , I can see inside of you . It took some work but we managed to replace the footrest on my chair . We found a company , Reliable Medical Supply who were able to assist us quickly , easily , and without fuss . I rode out of the building , the new footrest on and I felt completely restored . I 'd ridden around pushing and holding my one leg up at the same time for a couple days and as a result had pulled muscles in my back and tired those in my leg . I had to ask Joe to push me a couple of times , but only when , on break , I had to get to the bathroom quickly . At the end of the day we went to a very large grocery store that , miraculously , wasn 't busy . I set to doing a very long push , up and down every aisle and back and forth across the store . I needed to exercise but I also needed to feel in control again . It was great . I knew I 'd done a long distance , I had tired myself out , and I knew sleep would come easily . There was a moment though that I wanted to tell you about . We 've forgotten our blue badge so we can 't park in wheelchair parking . It had been raining so Joe let me off at the door and , though there was quite a up slope into the store , I knew that I could do it easily . I was pushing up when a customer coming in ran at me , arms out , ready to inflict help upon me . I didn 't see her coming . I did hear a voice saying , " Don 't , he didn 't ask ! " When I got to the top I looked back to see a young woman with Down Syndrome , standing watching me . She stayed and waited until I was up the slope and in the store . I thanked her . She said , " I hate it when people just help me . It 's just another way to call me stupid and helpless . " I told her that she was right . I didn 't like the message behind unasked for help . Yesterday I posted something I thought very funny on Facebook . I had been rolling around in the pharmacy department of the grocery store where we were shopping and I noticed , for no reason at all , that they had a huge selection of men 's incontinence wear . I really surprised that , at my size , they had some that would fit me . Hell , I have to go to to big and tall store to buy clothes and here were incontinence briefs in my size . I joked with Joe that now I could relax and grow old . We both laughed . I that I was going to put this on my Facebook page . Immediately people began responding , I was gathering a lot of ' likes ' and a lot of smiley faces . I was glad because I thought it funny too . The someone responded saying that they were surprised at my post and asked if I was making fun of people like her son who , because of his disability is incontinent and doesn 't find it funny . My first response was a little bit of annoyance , let 's be honest here , because , to me , obviously I was making fun of me , my size and my age . It was just a joke . A few seconds later , I can 't think while annoyed , I clearly saw her point . I didn 't have time to do anything other than delete the post . It wasn 't a hard decision for me . I hadn 't thought through what I 'd written and what it could mean to others . My bad . It was the last one that got me , I shouldn 't censor myself because of the sensitivities of others . That 's the one that made me glad I had done what I had done . Because of course I should . I don 't want my writing or my speaking to cause unnecessary pain or distress to people . I want to challenge people , that 's my job , but when a joke , which has no meaning other than to be a joke , is one that could easily be interpreted as making fun of others , in this case , others who wear incontinence products , I am compelled to delete it . Of course I am . Moreover , I 'm glad she came on and had the courage to challenge me . I hope people continue to take me on and say , ' hey , do you hear what you are saying ' . . . I am old enough now not to be threatened by the idea that I 'm not always right . That I get things wrong . That I don 't always think things through . I am again facing wheelchair problems . After arriving yesterday we decided to go out for lunch . Got out of the car and into the chair and SNAP my footrest broke off . This happens often enough to be tedious and it meant that we had to go into the restaurant and then do some shopping with me pushing while holding up one leg . We were lucky this happened after getting through the airport and into a rental car and to the hotel . The big stuff was done . We were also lucky that I had the ability to manage with it fairly well today but that 's where the luck ends . This is a trip where I decided to challenge myself . I 'm doing three brand new lectures , one of them a full day workshop . I didn 't need to have the additional challenge of wheelchair problems along the way . But things happen when they happen and we deal because we have to deal . We arrived at the airport and I pushed myself to the check in area . There I was spotted by a woman , an employee , who came over to ask me if I needed to go to special services to get me to the gate , then she looked at Joe and said , " Or , will you be taking him ? " I said , archly , " There is a third option , I can take myself there . " She looked flustered and trying not to slip into annoyance , " I suppose . " Now , I 'm not quibbling with her pointing out where special services was , I know where it is , I 'm a frequent flyer , but many wouldn 't . I was just annoyed that my ability to get myself where I was going was simply discounted as an option . I 'm disabled . I must need help . That is the natural order of things . Now , there isn 't anything wrong with needing help or asking for help . What 's wrong is the assumption that , of course you need it . It would only have taken her a few more words to make the interaction respectful rather than disrespectful . The lowering of expectations for people with disabilities is a killer . It kills the will to try . It kills the push to push . It kills the desire to dig deeper wells . Later that same day Joe and I were going out a door . A clerk who worked there dashed to the door saying that they 'd hold the door for us . Joe was already through and holding the door . I said , " It 's okay , we 've got this . " We heard a loud exasperated sigh , then , " You mean I 'm not needed ? " It was said as a joke . But it wasn 't a joke . I see so many people with intellectual disabilities who bow under the weight of others needs to be needed . I see so many who live limited lives because of limitations set by others . Tragic . I know I will , throughout my day , need help unexpectedly . I will drop something under my desk . I will need something carted from my office to the board room , and back . Any of a thousand different things could happen where I would need to ask someone for help . A thousand different things that non - disabled people would not need help to do . Luckily for me it doesn 't happen a lot , but in order to say that I 've had to redefine ' a lot ' . Once or twice daily , isn 't a lot is it ? My strategy was to go to the ' designated kind person ' route . I spoke to a couple of people at work who I really thought wouldn 't mind . It was hard doing this because I can 't think of a single person at work who would mind . Most probably I went with people I felt comfortable asking for help . I chose well , they agreed without question . That 's when I really kind of discovered that once or twice daily may be a little closer to ' a lot ' thank I 'm good with . Even so , I went with this system . Even if there was someone else I could ask , I 'd wait for my designated kind person to come by , or I 'd call for them . They were always good about it . But I noticed that those who were closer , or those of whom it would have been more natural to ask for help , seemed to wonder why they had been excluded from the request . I had been exploiting the kindness of a couple people because of my discomfort in asking other people . I laid it all on them . I know , I know , I know , it didn 't bother them and , in fact , they seemed to enjoy helping out , but that didn 't matter . It wasn 't their help I was using , I was using them to avoid asking others . I was using them when I didn 't need to . . . a kind of exploitation of their niceness . Well , a couple weeks ago I stopped doing that . Nice does not mean , up for exploitation . Nice does not mean being on an exclusive list to be helpful . Nice does not mean ' use me ' . So , as I joke about this , " I spread the joy around . " I was right , everyone at the office is nice about it . No one minds giving a quick hand . And two people are no longer on the hook for my every single need , it 's shared around by who 's around . It was hard for me to start asking others , there 's a vulnerability in acknowledging need and accepting help , but I needed to do something to ensure that someone 's niceness doesn 't land them the responsibility of meeting every single need for help that I have . Her staff can see that somethings wrong , but she won 't talk about it . She needs little support , she can manage her own money , she can shop and cook nutritious meals , she is well liked in the building in which she lives . When staff visits , she 's strict about her privacy . They can come in for tea , but they are not allowed in her kitchen or her bedroom . She had always before enjoyed the staff 's visits , because she got lonely and liked the chance to chat about ordinary , every day things that were going on in her life . Finally , when she 's too weak to resist , they get her to her doctor 's office . She 's extremely malnourished . The staff find out that she hasn 't eaten a real meal in weeks . She has no food in her home . Nothing . She is hospitalized for a few days . Her state of health has been seriously compromised . At first she didn 't want to talk about her kitchen , the lack of food , and the reason she hadn 't eaten . But finally she said that she didn 't have any money because she was helping out her friends . So when they asked if they could borrow some money , they always seemed to know when she had any , she gave . She gave until she bled . Once when she tried to hold back some money , to get groceries , her best ' friend ' asked her not to be mean and joked that she could stand to lose some weight anyways . She handed the money over , her friend said she needed it for rent . Staff had never noticed , on their visits , that she was lonely , because at the moment of their visits with her , she wasn 't lonely . They felt good about the visits because she appreciated them . They got into the habit of visiting her , of being on a social call , that they forgot the had a job to do . They never asked why their visits mattered so much when she needed no assistance from them at all . They never spotted her loneliness and therefore never realized the vulnerability that comes with it . They knew that she took pride in being nice . They knew that she ' would give the shirt off her back ' and spoke of her in those terms . They didn 't realize that it 's just a saying , it 's not a way to live one 's life . They didn 't think of the vulnerability that comes with the compulsion to be ' nice ' to be seen as ' nice ' and to respond always in a manner consistent with the popular conception of nice . I 'm not staff blaming here . I 'm really not . Until the fact that she was starving started to show , there were no real signs for the staff to be concerned about . No one teaches people with disabilities of the true social dangers of the community , true . But no one teaches staff about the fact that people with visible intellectual disabilities have a target on their back and need a different kind of support when living independently in the community . Inclusion has sharp edges , but no one ever spoke to the staff about them and no one taught her how to avoid them . Being gay , excludes me from the family of God , though any family that excludes and banishes its children us unworthy of the word . I am routinely questioned about my faith from those who call themselves Christian and those who damn me for calling myself one . " You can 't be Christian , you 're gay ! " " Why would you call yourself a Christian , you 're gay . " These questions asked as if something as deep as my faith could be easily taken off or turned down . I have been affected by the rejection of other Christians . I have been affected by the words of preachers who would heap down on us death and calamity . I have been affected by the stubborn idea that disability is sin made flesh . Of course I have . It is at Easter that I most powerfully reconnect with how I understand who God is , what the miracle , through Jesus was , and why I wish to renew afresh my commitment to what I believe . For me , the gore of Good Friday , is not where the power of the story lie . Right now , all over the world , bodies are being broken , lives are being taken , people are being dehumanized . LGBT people are being thrown from rooftops , gathered up and tortured in concentration camps , slandered and scapegoated in churches across the world . And still , we love . Disabled people are locked away in institutions , are murdered to the applause of the media , are centred out as being in need of prayer and healing . It is clear that there is a stairway to heaven and that there is no ramp at the back door . And still , we live . Most of the time it 's just a simple , pleasant way to live your life . Most of the time , it gives you a high quality of life . When I was a boy , even though I was considered a fat , dumb , kid , I noticed that there were those people in the world who were just simply nice . I 'm not talking about ' polite nice ' but ' actual nice . ' I have a very strong memory of a party that my parents once threw at our house back when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old . By then I had already grown uncomfortable in my skin . I didn 't like to be seen or noticed . But you simply can 't hide being fat , you can 't hide the shame that you feel because you don 't fit into , well , anywhere very well . A woman came to the party , a guest of a guest . I don 't remember her name . I wish I did . I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable because she didn 't know anyone else at the party . She noticed , when I slipped into my room , that I had a collection of glass figurines , all of dogs . Rows and rows of different breeds , I picked each with care and with growing expertise , both in my knowledge of our canine friends and in my awareness of what made a notable figurine . Before I got through the door , she spoke to me asking me about my collection . I shyly opened the door for her . Leaving the door open , she pulled a chair into my room after asking me if it was okay that she did . I 'd been set up so many times that I was extremely wary and did not trust her intentions . But I relaxed as we talked about the collection and then , to my shock , about me . She told me a it about herself and her life growing up with dogs . I told her about how I saw dogs as more than pets , but as companions and , even , friends . About a half hour later someone came to the door and encouraged her to come out and join the party , she said that she would in a moment . We talked a little more but I noticed her glance to the door and I knew our time was winding down . She told me that I was a really interesting little boy and she wished me well . Later , I heard someone teasing her about spending time with me , " I can understand you feeling sorry for the kid but you must have be bored stiff . " She defended me . Said that the conversation she 'd had with me was the most interesting one that she 'd had that evening . " You are too nice for your own good , " she was told . There are many other definitions of ' nice ' but that 's the first that actively came my way . Up until then ' nice ' was just a word for something vaguely pleasant or pleasing . It was a word that with a change of tone became an insult . But at that moment , it became something more powerful than that . But I 'm better . I fell ill on Monday and it worsened over the week . I had three days off from work , but had to work Thursday , but came home and near collapsed from exhaustion . People think otherwise but I don 't actually get sick often . Particularly as sick as I have been . I hadn 't left the apartment for three whole days . Three days ! I go out every day . I love going out . But I couldn 't . I didn 't have the strength , and was sensitive to noise and smells and things I typically find tasty repulsed me . For me , and how I experience my life and my disability , sickness isn 't a part of it . I am much more debilitated by the flu or when I get an infection or even when I get a cold , than I am because of a silly wheelchair . I wasn 't housebound because I 'm a wheelchair user , I was housebound because they don 't put vomitariums at discrete locations throughout the public sphere . So , I 'm back to lie down . I 've got a good book , The Gustov Sonata , that I 'm reading , a perfect choice with short chapters and characters I care about . I 'm going to go and spend time with them , and my pillow and hopefully I 'll wake to a new store of energy or , if not , the ability to go out , even for five minutes . I saw a post on Facebook yesterday written by a woman who , that day , was getting a wheelchair and she was devastated . The comments were all caring , if ablist , about how hard she fought for , with an implied loss of , her independence . Now , I don 't know this woman . I see her name every now and then as I read her posts . But the fact that we are friends on Facebook means that there is a disability connection somewhere . But ' friend ' on Facebook , for me , is most often ' stranger ' in the real world . I wrote perhaps ten or twelve responses , and published none of them . I simply couldn 't post them . I just couldn 't . Even though I tried to be as kind and caring as I could be , even though I tried to give an optimistic point of view , I just felt that , at that moment , I 'd be intruding . But I also know that there are times when people need something different than what I have to give or than what I want to give . There are times when people need to feel what they are feeling without challenge and without implied confrontation . There are times when people don 't need me and my agenda . So , yes , I thought I had something to offer . But I read what she 'd written , a singles sentence . I read the emotion behind it . I read what I thought she was asking for . And I decided she didn 't need a dose of optimistic prattle about the positive life changes that can come into your life on wheels . It 's all true , but it seemed , to me , at that point , to simply be insensitive . It 's not always easy knowing how to best respond , and it 's really not easy to respond by simply shutting up . She 'll never know the battle I went through . But I hope , in this case , my silence was my way of letting her have the time and space to feel what she needed to feel . We 'd just gotten into the car to head off to the Palm Sunday service at our church . and Joe fired up the engine after all the seat belts were well and truly secured , when Sadie asked to play a ' car game ' called ' ABC Animal . ' This is a game that has been played over many , many years and across thousands of miles and it 's one that everyone but Sadie has lost interest in playing . My tolerance was a little lower than usual , because I usually can work up the enthusiasm to play the game with her , because I wasn 't feeling particularly well . I sat back into my seat and said , " I know a game we can play , a brand new one . " Out of that came a new game . We decided we 'd look for G . O . D . we had to spot words that started with either a , you guessed it , G . or a O . or a D . So that 's what we did . People called out Gerrard Street ! Ontario Medical ! Disability Supplies ! We laughed as we played and talked about what we were seeing . We were huddled up around the soup station . Sadie loves soup . Joe loves soup , I like soup and wanted to see what the veggie options were , Ruby reviles soup and was just with us to see what decisions were being made before she went over to the mac and cheese station . Joe was reading off the labels as to the kinds of soup available . We were together , we were a group . A man , on the other side of the station , looks to me , and says to me , " Can I help you get something . " I startled say , " No , thanks though . " He nodded and continued on getting soup for his family Later , when we were leaving the cafeteria I got to the doors out only to find that the door opener wasn 't working . A large group had gotten between me and Joe and the kids so I just stopped to let the group pass and then rejoin mine . One of the group held the door open and told me to go along through . I thanked him but said no . The area around the elevator up is small , I didn 't want to get trapped in the larger group . I wanted to wait . He insisted . I said , " No , I 'm here with my family , I will wait for them . " He insisted again . I said ' no ' again . He insisted again . I explained again , " I 'm waiting for my family , please go on through . " Then Joe , Ruby and Sadie arrive , by now most of his group has gone through the door . The kids see what 's happening and run to take the door from the man to hold for me . He has trouble letting them take the door but he does . " I really thought that you were alone , " he said , smiling . The man by the soup station , even though I was clearly part of a group , couldn 't see that group , he saw a person alone , and person who needed help . I can 't even imagine how desperately dark and depressing the scene he must have been seeing . The context for me being there he created sprung from somewhere . The man holding the door simply couldn 't believe me when I said I was with a ' family ' . He saw me as alone . He saw me as needing help . Another dark and depressing picture . Another projection of inner stereotype on outer reality . He heard what I said and must have thought that I was making up an invisible family in a desperate attempt to be seen as normal , and as loved , and as worthy . His surprise when they showed up was written on his face in the colours of prejudice . This to me , is the most dangerous idea that has wormed it 's way into the minds of the non - disabled . Disability creates isolation . Both men shook their heads one at my refusal of his help , the other when the girls took the door from him . I was no use to them . No part of the story they wanted to tell . What good is disability if it doesn 't feed the need of the non - disabled to be inspired by their own kindness and their own goodness ? They shook their heads . Yesterday I thought I had it in me to make 4K . I 'd done some smaller pushes but had topped out at 2 . 6K . But I was itching to try for 4 and I 'd arranged it so that I had time to give it a try . These things can be boring for Joe but he knew it was important to me so had arranged to walk with me some of the way but to go off and do other things when he felt the need to . You see , I can 't talk to him when I 'm pushing , I have to just simply push . We were at the mall that we go to do to his , a place that is well known for it 's mall walking program primarily because it 's a really big mall . One circuit is 1 . 3K . Their map marks out different lengths of walks . I had the pathway in my head and I started . I made the first round in 31 minutes , which , for me , is a record . But on the second round , something changed . As I went round it seemed that I caused a ripple as I went round . People turned . People gawked . People spat out hateful words . I went by a group of small boys with their dad , they saw me and began a loud , " Look how fat he is dad , look , look , look ! ! " One boy asked his dad how come I was so fat , his father answered simply , " Fat people are just really lazy . " I was on my second round of an attempt to do 4K in a heavy wheelchair and being called lazy . As I approached the food court a man was sitting with a baby carriage in front of him , they were directly in my path . I began to change the direction of my chair to go around them , when he pulled the carriage in and out of my way , just I was about to breathe out a ' thank you ' he said , " Must be awful to always be inconveniencing people . " Inconveniencing people ? ! I was pulling around him , he chose to move . And since when in simply being considerate and inconvenience ? There was a brief spell of nothing , people were either rushing in or rushing out of the mall thorough the the big exit doors there and I enjoyed the quiet and the temporary spate of invisibility . I pushed on and I pushed hard . There 's good flooring there and I could make good time . The respite would prove to be temporary , it picked up again . Until I couldn 't push a bit farther . I knew where the 3 . 25K mark was and I aimed for that . I got there and as it happened Joe joined me for the last few feet of my push . I came to a stop and told him that I simply couldn 't do the last . 75K . Everything hurt . My thumbs hurt . I propel this body and my chair with my thumbs . I had to ask Joe to push me to the washroom because when I stopped my body seized up . Coming out of the washroom , where I had used the privacy to do some cool down stretches as well as the TMI stuff , and I was able to push myself to the food court for a bite to eat , a bottle of water , and rest . I told Joe what had happened and what people had said , he told me that he had heard some of it . He wondered why I didn 't react . I told him that I wasn 't there that day for anyone but me . I wasn 't there to confront anyone 's prejudice . I wasn 't there to be an educational opportunity for the mean spirited or the bigots . I was there to accomplish a goal , which I very nearly did . I just had someone say to me that they ' don 't think of me as being disabled . ' I 'm afraid I rather lost it on them . Sadly , I was a bit incoherent in my response because the statement upset me so very much . You see , like many people with disabilities , I 'm fairly skilled at being disabled . I know how to exist in this world . I know how to adapt to the environments I 'm in . I know how to make difficult things easier . I know when I need help , I know when I don 't . I 'm the expert in my own disability , my own body and my own adaptations . I get that , because of that , someone may see me getting along just fine in the world . I get that they would translate that into the ' I don 't see you as disabled ' compliment . It 's not a compliment , of course , it 's a veiled insult . Disability is the opposite of competence . Disability is the opposite of getting alone . Disability is the opposite of accomplishment . Even so , I shouldn 't have told him to ' shut up . ' And I shouldn 't have told him that so loudly . At the moment that the non - compliment was given , I was exhausted from having a difficult night with the pain which I experience as a result of my disability . I spent much of my night moving from one to another to another of the positions which I can sleep in , each beginning with a relief of pain and each slowly waking me with its return . At the moment of that non - compliment I had just pushed myself up a steep hill , which I do normally , but today it was snow covered and I was having to use a pushing technique that I can do but that I find difficult . My coping , my adapting , my endurance was erased by that statement . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have dropped the ' f bomb ' several times during my response . When they say that I have ' the lived experience of having a disability , ' they are right . However , when that ' lived experience ' is one that becomes invisible as I learn more every day about what I can and can 't do and what adaptions work in what situations and how to orient my body in my chair in order to do what I want to do , people assume that the ' lived experience ' isn 't really all that different than the ' lived experience ' of those who walk and those who move through air as if it has no weight . At the moment that I was granted non - disabled status , I was feeling my disability in a very real way . It held meaning for me , and that meaning mattered . The dismissal and erasure of that experience angered me . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have used both ' ablist ' and ' asshole ' so closely together in a sentence . But what troubles me , is that I 'm sure an apology is expected . I 'm sure he feels the innocent victim of my anger . I 'm sure he sees himself as the one who gave a compliment and me as the one who lost a wee bit of control . So I will apologize , but for how I said what I said , but not for what I said . Yesterday I arrived at a meeting nearly an hour and a half early . Traffic had been better than anticipated and , then , well , um , I got the time wrong . So in that hour and a half I decided to lap the mall that the restaurant was attached to , I mean , why not ? Joe decided to head off and do some other stuff , he was with me to provide transportation and to sit in on the meeting , while I did my laps . So , I began . I hadn 't really done any long distance pushing since my trip to England and my muscles were a bit resistant , particularly when they woke up and realized what was happening , but I pushed through it and I pushed hard . The mall wasn 't busy so I had long stretches I could go at maximum speed . There was a young man in the mall speed walking , he was maybe 20 or 21 years old and he lapped me a couple of times . He was very , very , fast . On his third lap he put his fist out for me to ' fist bump ' I think it 's called , and I did so , without really breaking my stride ( what do you call it when pushing cause stride isn 't the right word ? ) . It was a nice acknowledgement from someone else in the mall doing what I was doing . The next time he lapped me he slowed down his pace but spoke really rapidly . He quickly explained to me that he wanted me to understand that he didn 't fist bump me because I had a disability or for any other reason , it was just because we were both obviously working out and it was a sign of encouragement and camaraderie ( he didn 't use that word but that 's what he meant ) . Clearly immediately after we had ' bumped ' it worried him how I might perceive it . This impressed me because sometimes people do stuff to people with disabilities that are really about us being disabled rather than us being part of a group focused on something else . That he would know that and worry about it was a bit of a surprise . I ended up chatting with a young fellow , to me that 's around 30 , with a disability on a ride to work . He asked me what I did for a living and then told me about his job , about which he was quite proud . Without even lowering his voice to become conspiratorial , he openly said that we weren 't like ' those others . ' And while he is right , the employment rate of people with disabilities is abysmal , it is so because of employers refusing to make accommodations either to their workplaces or to their mindset . I didn 't want to feel like he thought I was in a club with him , ' employed and valuable ' v ' unemployed and of significantly less value . ' So , I said so . He vehemently disagreed and did the ' if I can do it anyone can ' kind of speech that people find so inspirational . It 's not true of course , but people love that shit . Non - disabled people realize that since Chis Hatfield could be an astronaut then so can they . Time and talent and opportunity matter . Not everyone is fit for the same path , we are all resolutely making our own way and cutting our own path . I told him that I thought that argument ' nonsense ' . . . which was probably the wrong word to use and he reacted in a manner which I should have anticipated , he got angry . It was very important to him that he not identify with ' those people ' and it was clear that he identified with ' valued working people ' most of whom are non - disabled . He felt that his work raised his status and had him accepted as equal to his non - disabled colleagues . His value as a person was diminished by his disability but then enhanced by the fact that he held a job and was respected at work . He was shocked that I didn 't feel the same way , that I belonged to a , though he didn 't say this exactly , ' different class of disabled person . ' Then . THEN . He said that it annoyed him when people assumed that he was . . . and here he used the r word . . . maybe the first time I 've heard it spoken in casual conversation by another disabled person . That ' those people really had no place in a modern society . I challenged him on his use of the word , his hatred of people with intellectual disabilities and his own deeply held self hatred . I 've been bubbling this interaction around in my mind for a long time now . Because what came of it for me is that I do think that there is a ' right ' type of disabled person , one that his part of the disability pride movement and who values the disability experience and one who lives without need of approval of the non - disabled . He 's not that . I 'm having trouble not valuing him less . I just had a food accident . On the trip from fork to gob there is a bit of territory over my shirt that has to be traversed . A piece of yolk leapt from it 's bed of toast and landed on my shirt just beside the buttons , near the top . I quickly brushed it away and in doing so drew a line of yolk down the front of my shirt . I tried to wash it off but it just made the line bigger . I have to start work with my shirt looking like there is a yellow caution line running down the right side of my heart . I try to mask it by making a fold in my shirt but then realize that the fold is more obvious than the offending yellow streak and would have people wondering what I was hiding beneath the fold . Given I 'm in Canada the first thought wouldn 't be ' weapons ' . . . but who knows what else they might come up with . I 've decided to just leave it there and pretend it 's not there , or pretend it 's part of the design of the shirt . . . ' what you don 't have the latest in men 's fashion , yolk yellow chic ? ' Besides we all say that it 's what 's on the inside , which in this case is the rest of the yolk . But then they say that ' clothes makes the man . ' Um , I hope not , even on a good day with yolk - less shirts , I hope that 's not true . Now don 't think of me as anything more than a sit in the wheelchair and lift 25 pound dumbbells 30 reps , 10 at a time , in 8 different ways kind of guy . That 's for me , weight lifting . But besides the benefit of being able to push myself further and further and up steeper ramps , there 's another benefit . A few days ago Joe started to complain about pain in his shoulder . He 's got a doctors appointment all set up to check it out , but until then I decided that he would no longer load my wheelchair in or take it out of the trunk . I would take over that duty . We arranged for me to do this in an underground parking lot with no one around . I didn 't want to fall or look foolish in front of an audience . I needed to learn how to pick the chair up , how to position my body , how to get the car from trunk to ground and all without falling over myself . The first time wasn 't pretty . The second time still wasn 't pretty but it was effective . So it 's been a few days now that Joe has been able to completely rest his shoulder and that I 've been getting the chair out of the car . I 'm still a bit clumsy doing it , but I do it . The strength isn 't the problem , it 's the ballet movements involved in positioning and lifting , that 's the issue for me . Today Joe said his shoulder was feeling slightly better . I was so pleased . He 's still going to see the doctor to check it out , but I felt that I was actively helping him to heal . I was startled when I saw his name of the ' Today 's Birthdays ' list on my FaceBook page . Of course , I realized , FaceBook doesn 't know that he died last year . I clicked on his name and was taken to his page . It 's still there and several people used the opportunity of his birthday to write about what he meat to them and how much he was missed . I tried several times to write something , but I couldn 't . I had been thrilled to reconnect with him when I found his name of FaceBook . We chatted a couple of times and the old guy in the pictures I saw of him became the young guy I remembered . He was a sweet kid . I liked him . At one time I called him a friend . I had been steeling up to have a hard conversation with him , and I was nearly ready , when he passed away . It 's a conversation I 'll never have , it 's an apology I will never give , and for that , I grieve deeply . We were in grade 7 , I think when it all came out . But , I 'm getting ahead of myself . In the town I grew up in there were two schools , the elementary school and the high school . One went from grades 1 to 6 the other from 7 to 12 . We were all excited to be in the high school . Adjusting to the move from the oldest in one to the youngest in the other was difficult but the move , for all of us was more than symbolic . It was a real representation of our progress towards adulthood and , as we naively saw it , freedom . Walking into a classroom to see one of the teachers from the elementary school there was a shock . He had been transferred to the senior school and none of us was particularly happy about that . He was an odd man . His oddness wasn 't immediately obvious . In fact he was a good looking , highly presentable guy , who took care of his appearance . He was well spoken and gracious . In all senses he was a ' good role model ' for us boys . He was a teacher that often broke boundaries . He had favourites amongst the boys . He would take those boys who did best on the spelling tests on camping trips as rewards . They were nearly always the same boys . I wanted to go . But I never scored high enough . We never saw the scores of the winning boys , we just assumed that truth was being told and those kids were the best , the very best , at spelling . I don 't remember if the fellow I 'm writing about ever went on a camping trip . But I do know that he became teacher 's target in high school . He was smaller than all the rest of us , he would physically mature a grade or two later . I remember one day in particular . The teacher had been in an mood for the whole class . He was making jokes that none of us understood and behaving a bit erratically . I was in the desk beside the target boy . The teacher came and sat on his desk , said some silly things , and put his hand out to touch the student 's face . He squirmed in his seat . He glanced around him at all of us . Some were laughing . Most were not . We could see pain and fear all over him . Not just the expression on his face , but over his whole body . I let it happen . In front of me . I knew it was wrong . I didn 't know how wrong it was until later that year when the teacher was arrested and charged with sexually abusing several of the boys in my class . It had taken years for it to come out . The town went silent . One night , shortly after the charges , a mob of men and women , fired by anger , made its way to his home . He was not there , his wife , a really pretty woman , was there . She opened the door to them . She sobbed . She didn 't know . How could she have known . She was so sorry , but she didn 't know . I 'd failed another kid in my class . I didn 't know that the teacher was a sexual abuser , but I did know that he used his attentions and his affections to torture a fellow student in class in front of all of us . I know the teacher counted on his power to keep us silent . I was wrong then , and I would be wrong now should I ever think the same thing again . I had wanted to say to him that I saw what I saw and that my silence didn 't negate his experience or make it less real . I wanted to say that because I know , deeply , personally know , that silence is an invalidator . He 'll never know how deeply my regret runs . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
We got back to our room in the hotel in which we were lecturing and I pulled off my wheelchair gloves and noticed that it was gone . We searched everywhere . We spoke to the hotel manager and the conference staff and the organization manager and I announced it to the audience , but , no ring . This whole thing is my fault . Over the past several weeks the ring had become very loose on my finger . I don 't know if it 's because my hands have become quite hardened to the work of pushing my wheelchair long distances , up impossible ramps and down long carpeted corridors , but my fingers got smaller and my ring didn 't . I had said , the day before , that when we got back , I needed to get the ring sized . Here 's the thing though . Neither Joe or I were really torn up about it . We were saddened of course , and then there 's the fact that the ring wasn 't cheap , but we reacted like we 'd lost some thing , nothing more , a thing . It 's a thing that is symbolic in its way , but we have lots of symbols . Joe said , " Losing the ring is one thing , losing the commitment would matter . The commitment is still there , the loss of a ring doesn 't change that . " He had put into words what I was thinking . It had been bothering me that it wasn 't bothering me the way that I thought it would . I hope I don 't sound cold here , I was sad . But I wasn 't devastated . And we were both reconciled to the lost ring by morning . If it turned up we 'd be happy , if it didn 't we 'd drive away one ring less . As we were rearranging things for the flight home Joe found the ring I used to wear , before the wedding . It had been tucked away in a pocket of the computer case . I slipped it on my ring finger and we were good to go . The last several days have been exciting , challenging and frightening . I don 't know why but I decided , when invited to speak in Minneapolis and Rothschild , that I would do three new lectures , one of the them a full day one . I had grown comfortable with the day long lectures that I do , I was perfectly happy with making small moderation to the shorter lectures , I 'm 64 , I was into coasting . But there was something pulling me , or pushing me , or motivating me in some way to branch out and challenge myself , to say out loud to an audience what I was saying deep inside to myself . So , months before I would have to do any of these things , I agreed to the topics and wrote up the blurbs for them . Problem is , what you think is doable in four months , looks a lot less doable and a lot more frightening when time arrives . I kept saying to Joe how angry I was at myself for doing this to myself . It was like back being a novice speaker , getting materials ready and reviewed before going to bed , getting up really early the next morning and rewriting the lecture notes out long hand . Trying to figure out timing and not really knowing if I had enough , too much or if the whole thing hung together . Every day , after finishing , I would be exhausted . Luckily I always had more material than I needed but unluckily that meant that I never got the ' whole ' of the message in , with the exception of the day long lecture . Thing is people don 't know what they didn 't hear so I got away with it , but I knew what I 'd wanted to say and made notes of where to cut and where to expand the next time , if there is a next time , I do these topics . We fly home tomorrow , being done now , and it felt good . The lectures were well received but more than that , it felt good to get out of my comfort zone and tackle some new issues . The introduction of Disability Informed Therapy , in the day long lecture , for example , gave me great pleasure . Saying what I really , really , really wanted to say about how we approach and understand service to people with disabilities felt so incredibly good . That people responded well was gravy , or icing on the cake , or in my case sugar free strawberry jello . Every now and then I am reminded , with a shock , that the world isn 't what it used to be for many people with intellectual disabilities . Over the last few days I 've been reading posts from or chatting with some people with disabilities that I met a long time ago . These are all people who I met at conferences or who had attended my trainings , or who had been introduced to me by their staff at some point or another . We 've connected now on Facebook and I follow their posts and , on occasion we catch up by messaging each other . This is such a normalized behaviour for me now that I don 't think about it much . There 's a lot of people who I interact with in this way . I don 't automatically break these connections down into categories of people . . . they are people I know . But sometimes , when things happen fast , I do notice . I notice not the disability in particular but the life the person with the disability is living . I notice the engagement that people have in their world or with others in their community . I notice that they are caught up in life , in the best way possible . I think this is noticeable to me because I grew up in a world without disabled people in it . I began work in an institution because community services didn 't exist or if they did they were in their infancy . No one could have imagined what was coming down the pike , no one knew that freedom was on its way . I read through these , comment or like when necessary , chat when appropriate , but mostly I am bear witness to the fact that people with intellectual disabilities , who given freedom , live it . Freedom has it 's joys and freedom has it painful moments , but freedom 's opposite is captivity . And while captivity would have all the pain of freedom but none of it 's joys . There are people with disabilities who still live captive . Who still hear keys jingle in every pocket but their own . I am reminded , when I notice the lives lived by those with intellectual disabilities that I am connected with , that not everyone yet has the opportunity for freedom . Because there 's someone , somewhere , captive who , given freedom would make a chocolate cake for the bake table at their community bazaar . Someone , somewhere in captivity isn 't meeting a new boyfriend today at the chippy shop . Someone , somewhere , waits , to experience the highs and lows of freedom . We are in a small city in the middle of Wisconsin where we arrived after a several hour drive from Minneapolis . When we checked in , I had to set up to do a webinar for Vita and for The National Alliance of Direct Support Professionals . I 'm always nervous before one of these and was glad of the time I had to prepare for the hour long ' conversationar ' which is really what it is . Once a month we go on air and chat with the author of the most recent article of The ' International Journal for Direct Support Professionals . The conversation , as always we engrossing and the hour up quickly . They make me nervous , these things , but I love what I learn while doing them . Afterwards I told Joe that I 'd like to get out and go to the grocery store to pick up supper . Our hotel room has a fridge and a microwave so we can cook our own supper . We headed to a store not far from the hotel and went in . Now this is a small city , everyone seemed to know everyone , and then in we come . Me , with my weight and my chair , arriving anywhere new is like throwing a massive boulder into a pond . People look , they stare , they make comments . I know I 'm facing that going in so I can prepare . One of the reasons I wanted to go to the store was because I 'd felt cooped up , I 'd spent the day in the car or our new hotel room working . I wanted a bit of a ' run ' in my chair . So I started whipping up and down the aisles getting in as much speed and distance as I could . The exercise made my shoulder feel good , my back stretched out , it was all great . But what was awesome was . . . though there were people in the store , none took much notice of me . It was like they saw big men on wheels zipping around their local grocery store on a regular basis . Several figured out what I was doing , this never happens , and made sure that I had a clear pathway to get up speed and race down the aisle . It was strange just to be in a place and just doing what I needed and wanted to do , and have it not be remarkable . But after about 20 minutes , I did , I took it off , I felt safe . It 's been years since I 've dared to do this and I couldn 't believe how much the protection I carry weighed . I felt free for a moment . I noticed a long pathway , with no one in it , right near the end of my run . I decided to hit it and hit it hard to see if I could really make the chair fly . When my power wheelchair last broke down , which it has again , I was visited by an assessor kind of person who has to sign off on my need for a new wheelchair . Foolishly , when my chair was repaired , I rescinded the request and now will have to go through it again and , of course , pay for it again . But when she was there , and when she learned that I was a wall walker , she asked if I had thought about using a walker , she thought that I 'd be safer that way . I told her that I didn 't think I needed one at this point and we moved on to the rest of her evaluation . So , we spent the weekend between gigs here in Minneapolis in a hotel that has a small gym . I noticed someone using the treadmill and holding on to it as if it were a giant walker . I got an idea . I told Joe that I would like to try using the treadmill as long as he was there with me , as long as I could step up on it , as long as it didn 't go fast and as long as I could grab on to something sturdy that would keep me from falling over . Joe looked a bit fearful at the idea , having been there for a couple of nasty falls in the past , but agreed . The room was empty and I rolled my chair right up beside the walker . I got out and stepped up on it and then we had to figure out the controls . I got off the treadmill and back in the chair as we tried to suss out what all the buttons were for , I didn 't want to go flying off and I admit that I didn 't want to embarrass myself . Finally we understood how to work it and I got on again . With great fear we started it up and it went really slowly , just perfect for me . It was sturdily built and I was able to lean down on it hard , holding myself in position as my feet moved below me . It wasn 't comfortable and my arms tired more quickly than my legs did , and I have strong arms . But I managed seven whole minutes . Over the weekend I got that up to ten minutes at a slightly quicker pace . I know that the idea of me on a treadmill is comic to some and , oddly , a betrayal to others , but it was just me trying something new , trying something I didn 't think I could do . Do I imagine myself one day running on a treadmill ? No , of course not , I 'm good with that not being in the cards . Do I imagine using it again ? Yeah , I do . Why not ? I 'm a wall walker , I 'm simply using an electronic walker . I followed them into the store , they , to a one , briefly looked back and saw me . Most dismissed me right away only a couple let their eyes linger and their giggles bubble forth . There were about eight of them . Boys and girls , all in their very early teens and all out for an afternoon in the mall . I had seen the store before I saw them heading there , it 's one where I wanted to pick up a gift for a friend , and when I noticed them , I nearly turned around . But , I reminded myself , this is my mall too , this is my space too , it is my right to be here . I think I might shock you if I told you how often I have to remind myself of those simple facts . Once in the store I saw that there was a mom there with a boy , maybe 8 , with an intellectual disability . He saw the other kids come into the store and made a bee line for the back of the store . His mother called to him , and called to him , and called to him to come to the cash register and pay for his purchase . I 'm sure that she heard the kids chatting amongst themselves loudly about ' special needs ' and though they didn 't say the ' r word ' they communicated their view of him as other and as different and as less . Mom wanted out of the store , her son didn 't want to leave the back of the store . Joe comes in at this point and I have an opportunity to do something . I could see that mom didn 't want a scene , she didn 't want to confront the kids , she just wanted to make the purchase and get the hell out of the store . It had become toxic at the entry of the freshly churched children . I rolled over by them and began telling Joe , loud enough for them to hear , what was going on . That these kids were mocking a disabled boy and , of course , me too , by how they spoke about disability with such disrespect . They heard me . I thought they 'd care . They didn 't . I had thought that I could shame them . I couldn 't . They didn 't care what someone like me said , what someone like me thought . They also didn 't stop . They began , under their breath , mimicking mom 's desperate plea for her son to come to the cash register . I rolled over by him and then rolled back towards where his mother stood . He followed me , head down , like he was hiding behind me . There are times I am so freaking thankful to be tall and fat and in a wheelchair . This was one of those times . I 'm in line with my purchase behind these kids . The clerk serves them and then wishes them a good day . I didn 't understand why the clerk hadn 't done something , he 's the one in charge of the space , he 's the one with the obvious power . So , I asked . I asked him if he 'd heard the kids making fun of the young boy with Down Syndrome . He said that he had . He said that it disgusted him and that behaviour like that makes him want to vomit . There was a truth and a vehemence in his words that surprised me . He went on to say that he was in the special needs class in his school for many years , he told me of his own diagnosis and a bit of his journey . He said that he got teased daily , but that it wasn 't at all like his classmates got . He said that when it happens in the store he just freezes , like he 's 11 again , and alone and not knowing what to do . I immediately felt sorry for having , in my mind judged him for his inaction . Everyone has a story . Everyone has a journey . I have lived in my body and ' the community ' for a very long time . I have seen myself reflected in the glass of the mirror and reflected in the eyes of those , like you , repulsed by me . So , yes , I know what you saw . You saw my body . But , of course , I know what you didn 't see . You didn 't see anything that even a warm greeting would have elicited . You wouldn 't have heard the warmth in my voice as I responded to a casual hello , because , of course , you didn 't offer one . Instead you offered me your face . You probably know you are handsome . At 18 or 19 , you have a good solid set of shoulders , you have blond hair dusted with bits of gold , you have the bluest eyes . I know you know that too . You will have seen it in the mirror , you will have seen your likeness reflected in the eyes of people , even strangers , who admire how you cut your way through air . I imagine you spend time in the mirror smiling at what smiles back . I imagine you check , maybe with some panic , for flaws and are pleased with finding none , or none that really matter . You probably have never seen the face that you showed me . All I was doing was coming out of a door that you wanted to come through . You had to wait a second , just a second , but that was too much for the likes of me . People like me can 't expect , of people like you , manners , or courtesy or decency . We are too low in your estimation . You made it clear who you thought you were and who you thought I was . But you forget , in your moment of superiority , that I see you too . But you don 't think about that . You don 't think about that face of yours , you don 't concern yourself with the angularity of your movements when angry , you don 't think of that fact that while you cannot , at that moment , see inside of me , I can see inside of you . It took some work but we managed to replace the footrest on my chair . We found a company , Reliable Medical Supply who were able to assist us quickly , easily , and without fuss . I rode out of the building , the new footrest on and I felt completely restored . I 'd ridden around pushing and holding my one leg up at the same time for a couple days and as a result had pulled muscles in my back and tired those in my leg . I had to ask Joe to push me a couple of times , but only when , on break , I had to get to the bathroom quickly . At the end of the day we went to a very large grocery store that , miraculously , wasn 't busy . I set to doing a very long push , up and down every aisle and back and forth across the store . I needed to exercise but I also needed to feel in control again . It was great . I knew I 'd done a long distance , I had tired myself out , and I knew sleep would come easily . There was a moment though that I wanted to tell you about . We 've forgotten our blue badge so we can 't park in wheelchair parking . It had been raining so Joe let me off at the door and , though there was quite a up slope into the store , I knew that I could do it easily . I was pushing up when a customer coming in ran at me , arms out , ready to inflict help upon me . I didn 't see her coming . I did hear a voice saying , " Don 't , he didn 't ask ! " When I got to the top I looked back to see a young woman with Down Syndrome , standing watching me . She stayed and waited until I was up the slope and in the store . I thanked her . She said , " I hate it when people just help me . It 's just another way to call me stupid and helpless . " I told her that she was right . I didn 't like the message behind unasked for help . Yesterday I posted something I thought very funny on Facebook . I had been rolling around in the pharmacy department of the grocery store where we were shopping and I noticed , for no reason at all , that they had a huge selection of men 's incontinence wear . I really surprised that , at my size , they had some that would fit me . Hell , I have to go to to big and tall store to buy clothes and here were incontinence briefs in my size . I joked with Joe that now I could relax and grow old . We both laughed . I that I was going to put this on my Facebook page . Immediately people began responding , I was gathering a lot of ' likes ' and a lot of smiley faces . I was glad because I thought it funny too . The someone responded saying that they were surprised at my post and asked if I was making fun of people like her son who , because of his disability is incontinent and doesn 't find it funny . My first response was a little bit of annoyance , let 's be honest here , because , to me , obviously I was making fun of me , my size and my age . It was just a joke . A few seconds later , I can 't think while annoyed , I clearly saw her point . I didn 't have time to do anything other than delete the post . It wasn 't a hard decision for me . I hadn 't thought through what I 'd written and what it could mean to others . My bad . It was the last one that got me , I shouldn 't censor myself because of the sensitivities of others . That 's the one that made me glad I had done what I had done . Because of course I should . I don 't want my writing or my speaking to cause unnecessary pain or distress to people . I want to challenge people , that 's my job , but when a joke , which has no meaning other than to be a joke , is one that could easily be interpreted as making fun of others , in this case , others who wear incontinence products , I am compelled to delete it . Of course I am . Moreover , I 'm glad she came on and had the courage to challenge me . I hope people continue to take me on and say , ' hey , do you hear what you are saying ' . . . I am old enough now not to be threatened by the idea that I 'm not always right . That I get things wrong . That I don 't always think things through . I am again facing wheelchair problems . After arriving yesterday we decided to go out for lunch . Got out of the car and into the chair and SNAP my footrest broke off . This happens often enough to be tedious and it meant that we had to go into the restaurant and then do some shopping with me pushing while holding up one leg . We were lucky this happened after getting through the airport and into a rental car and to the hotel . The big stuff was done . We were also lucky that I had the ability to manage with it fairly well today but that 's where the luck ends . This is a trip where I decided to challenge myself . I 'm doing three brand new lectures , one of them a full day workshop . I didn 't need to have the additional challenge of wheelchair problems along the way . But things happen when they happen and we deal because we have to deal . We arrived at the airport and I pushed myself to the check in area . There I was spotted by a woman , an employee , who came over to ask me if I needed to go to special services to get me to the gate , then she looked at Joe and said , " Or , will you be taking him ? " I said , archly , " There is a third option , I can take myself there . " She looked flustered and trying not to slip into annoyance , " I suppose . " Now , I 'm not quibbling with her pointing out where special services was , I know where it is , I 'm a frequent flyer , but many wouldn 't . I was just annoyed that my ability to get myself where I was going was simply discounted as an option . I 'm disabled . I must need help . That is the natural order of things . Now , there isn 't anything wrong with needing help or asking for help . What 's wrong is the assumption that , of course you need it . It would only have taken her a few more words to make the interaction respectful rather than disrespectful . The lowering of expectations for people with disabilities is a killer . It kills the will to try . It kills the push to push . It kills the desire to dig deeper wells . Later that same day Joe and I were going out a door . A clerk who worked there dashed to the door saying that they 'd hold the door for us . Joe was already through and holding the door . I said , " It 's okay , we 've got this . " We heard a loud exasperated sigh , then , " You mean I 'm not needed ? " It was said as a joke . But it wasn 't a joke . I see so many people with intellectual disabilities who bow under the weight of others needs to be needed . I see so many who live limited lives because of limitations set by others . Tragic . I know I will , throughout my day , need help unexpectedly . I will drop something under my desk . I will need something carted from my office to the board room , and back . Any of a thousand different things could happen where I would need to ask someone for help . A thousand different things that non - disabled people would not need help to do . Luckily for me it doesn 't happen a lot , but in order to say that I 've had to redefine ' a lot ' . Once or twice daily , isn 't a lot is it ? My strategy was to go to the ' designated kind person ' route . I spoke to a couple of people at work who I really thought wouldn 't mind . It was hard doing this because I can 't think of a single person at work who would mind . Most probably I went with people I felt comfortable asking for help . I chose well , they agreed without question . That 's when I really kind of discovered that once or twice daily may be a little closer to ' a lot ' thank I 'm good with . Even so , I went with this system . Even if there was someone else I could ask , I 'd wait for my designated kind person to come by , or I 'd call for them . They were always good about it . But I noticed that those who were closer , or those of whom it would have been more natural to ask for help , seemed to wonder why they had been excluded from the request . I had been exploiting the kindness of a couple people because of my discomfort in asking other people . I laid it all on them . I know , I know , I know , it didn 't bother them and , in fact , they seemed to enjoy helping out , but that didn 't matter . It wasn 't their help I was using , I was using them to avoid asking others . I was using them when I didn 't need to . . . a kind of exploitation of their niceness . Well , a couple weeks ago I stopped doing that . Nice does not mean , up for exploitation . Nice does not mean being on an exclusive list to be helpful . Nice does not mean ' use me ' . So , as I joke about this , " I spread the joy around . " I was right , everyone at the office is nice about it . No one minds giving a quick hand . And two people are no longer on the hook for my every single need , it 's shared around by who 's around . It was hard for me to start asking others , there 's a vulnerability in acknowledging need and accepting help , but I needed to do something to ensure that someone 's niceness doesn 't land them the responsibility of meeting every single need for help that I have . Her staff can see that somethings wrong , but she won 't talk about it . She needs little support , she can manage her own money , she can shop and cook nutritious meals , she is well liked in the building in which she lives . When staff visits , she 's strict about her privacy . They can come in for tea , but they are not allowed in her kitchen or her bedroom . She had always before enjoyed the staff 's visits , because she got lonely and liked the chance to chat about ordinary , every day things that were going on in her life . Finally , when she 's too weak to resist , they get her to her doctor 's office . She 's extremely malnourished . The staff find out that she hasn 't eaten a real meal in weeks . She has no food in her home . Nothing . She is hospitalized for a few days . Her state of health has been seriously compromised . At first she didn 't want to talk about her kitchen , the lack of food , and the reason she hadn 't eaten . But finally she said that she didn 't have any money because she was helping out her friends . So when they asked if they could borrow some money , they always seemed to know when she had any , she gave . She gave until she bled . Once when she tried to hold back some money , to get groceries , her best ' friend ' asked her not to be mean and joked that she could stand to lose some weight anyways . She handed the money over , her friend said she needed it for rent . Staff had never noticed , on their visits , that she was lonely , because at the moment of their visits with her , she wasn 't lonely . They felt good about the visits because she appreciated them . They got into the habit of visiting her , of being on a social call , that they forgot the had a job to do . They never asked why their visits mattered so much when she needed no assistance from them at all . They never spotted her loneliness and therefore never realized the vulnerability that comes with it . They knew that she took pride in being nice . They knew that she ' would give the shirt off her back ' and spoke of her in those terms . They didn 't realize that it 's just a saying , it 's not a way to live one 's life . They didn 't think of the vulnerability that comes with the compulsion to be ' nice ' to be seen as ' nice ' and to respond always in a manner consistent with the popular conception of nice . I 'm not staff blaming here . I 'm really not . Until the fact that she was starving started to show , there were no real signs for the staff to be concerned about . No one teaches people with disabilities of the true social dangers of the community , true . But no one teaches staff about the fact that people with visible intellectual disabilities have a target on their back and need a different kind of support when living independently in the community . Inclusion has sharp edges , but no one ever spoke to the staff about them and no one taught her how to avoid them . Being gay , excludes me from the family of God , though any family that excludes and banishes its children us unworthy of the word . I am routinely questioned about my faith from those who call themselves Christian and those who damn me for calling myself one . " You can 't be Christian , you 're gay ! " " Why would you call yourself a Christian , you 're gay . " These questions asked as if something as deep as my faith could be easily taken off or turned down . I have been affected by the rejection of other Christians . I have been affected by the words of preachers who would heap down on us death and calamity . I have been affected by the stubborn idea that disability is sin made flesh . Of course I have . It is at Easter that I most powerfully reconnect with how I understand who God is , what the miracle , through Jesus was , and why I wish to renew afresh my commitment to what I believe . For me , the gore of Good Friday , is not where the power of the story lie . Right now , all over the world , bodies are being broken , lives are being taken , people are being dehumanized . LGBT people are being thrown from rooftops , gathered up and tortured in concentration camps , slandered and scapegoated in churches across the world . And still , we love . Disabled people are locked away in institutions , are murdered to the applause of the media , are centred out as being in need of prayer and healing . It is clear that there is a stairway to heaven and that there is no ramp at the back door . And still , we live . Most of the time it 's just a simple , pleasant way to live your life . Most of the time , it gives you a high quality of life . When I was a boy , even though I was considered a fat , dumb , kid , I noticed that there were those people in the world who were just simply nice . I 'm not talking about ' polite nice ' but ' actual nice . ' I have a very strong memory of a party that my parents once threw at our house back when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old . By then I had already grown uncomfortable in my skin . I didn 't like to be seen or noticed . But you simply can 't hide being fat , you can 't hide the shame that you feel because you don 't fit into , well , anywhere very well . A woman came to the party , a guest of a guest . I don 't remember her name . I wish I did . I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable because she didn 't know anyone else at the party . She noticed , when I slipped into my room , that I had a collection of glass figurines , all of dogs . Rows and rows of different breeds , I picked each with care and with growing expertise , both in my knowledge of our canine friends and in my awareness of what made a notable figurine . Before I got through the door , she spoke to me asking me about my collection . I shyly opened the door for her . Leaving the door open , she pulled a chair into my room after asking me if it was okay that she did . I 'd been set up so many times that I was extremely wary and did not trust her intentions . But I relaxed as we talked about the collection and then , to my shock , about me . She told me a it about herself and her life growing up with dogs . I told her about how I saw dogs as more than pets , but as companions and , even , friends . About a half hour later someone came to the door and encouraged her to come out and join the party , she said that she would in a moment . We talked a little more but I noticed her glance to the door and I knew our time was winding down . She told me that I was a really interesting little boy and she wished me well . Later , I heard someone teasing her about spending time with me , " I can understand you feeling sorry for the kid but you must have be bored stiff . " She defended me . Said that the conversation she 'd had with me was the most interesting one that she 'd had that evening . " You are too nice for your own good , " she was told . There are many other definitions of ' nice ' but that 's the first that actively came my way . Up until then ' nice ' was just a word for something vaguely pleasant or pleasing . It was a word that with a change of tone became an insult . But at that moment , it became something more powerful than that . But I 'm better . I fell ill on Monday and it worsened over the week . I had three days off from work , but had to work Thursday , but came home and near collapsed from exhaustion . People think otherwise but I don 't actually get sick often . Particularly as sick as I have been . I hadn 't left the apartment for three whole days . Three days ! I go out every day . I love going out . But I couldn 't . I didn 't have the strength , and was sensitive to noise and smells and things I typically find tasty repulsed me . For me , and how I experience my life and my disability , sickness isn 't a part of it . I am much more debilitated by the flu or when I get an infection or even when I get a cold , than I am because of a silly wheelchair . I wasn 't housebound because I 'm a wheelchair user , I was housebound because they don 't put vomitariums at discrete locations throughout the public sphere . So , I 'm back to lie down . I 've got a good book , The Gustov Sonata , that I 'm reading , a perfect choice with short chapters and characters I care about . I 'm going to go and spend time with them , and my pillow and hopefully I 'll wake to a new store of energy or , if not , the ability to go out , even for five minutes . I saw a post on Facebook yesterday written by a woman who , that day , was getting a wheelchair and she was devastated . The comments were all caring , if ablist , about how hard she fought for , with an implied loss of , her independence . Now , I don 't know this woman . I see her name every now and then as I read her posts . But the fact that we are friends on Facebook means that there is a disability connection somewhere . But ' friend ' on Facebook , for me , is most often ' stranger ' in the real world . I wrote perhaps ten or twelve responses , and published none of them . I simply couldn 't post them . I just couldn 't . Even though I tried to be as kind and caring as I could be , even though I tried to give an optimistic point of view , I just felt that , at that moment , I 'd be intruding . But I also know that there are times when people need something different than what I have to give or than what I want to give . There are times when people need to feel what they are feeling without challenge and without implied confrontation . There are times when people don 't need me and my agenda . So , yes , I thought I had something to offer . But I read what she 'd written , a singles sentence . I read the emotion behind it . I read what I thought she was asking for . And I decided she didn 't need a dose of optimistic prattle about the positive life changes that can come into your life on wheels . It 's all true , but it seemed , to me , at that point , to simply be insensitive . It 's not always easy knowing how to best respond , and it 's really not easy to respond by simply shutting up . She 'll never know the battle I went through . But I hope , in this case , my silence was my way of letting her have the time and space to feel what she needed to feel . We 'd just gotten into the car to head off to the Palm Sunday service at our church . and Joe fired up the engine after all the seat belts were well and truly secured , when Sadie asked to play a ' car game ' called ' ABC Animal . ' This is a game that has been played over many , many years and across thousands of miles and it 's one that everyone but Sadie has lost interest in playing . My tolerance was a little lower than usual , because I usually can work up the enthusiasm to play the game with her , because I wasn 't feeling particularly well . I sat back into my seat and said , " I know a game we can play , a brand new one . " Out of that came a new game . We decided we 'd look for G . O . D . we had to spot words that started with either a , you guessed it , G . or a O . or a D . So that 's what we did . People called out Gerrard Street ! Ontario Medical ! Disability Supplies ! We laughed as we played and talked about what we were seeing . We were huddled up around the soup station . Sadie loves soup . Joe loves soup , I like soup and wanted to see what the veggie options were , Ruby reviles soup and was just with us to see what decisions were being made before she went over to the mac and cheese station . Joe was reading off the labels as to the kinds of soup available . We were together , we were a group . A man , on the other side of the station , looks to me , and says to me , " Can I help you get something . " I startled say , " No , thanks though . " He nodded and continued on getting soup for his family Later , when we were leaving the cafeteria I got to the doors out only to find that the door opener wasn 't working . A large group had gotten between me and Joe and the kids so I just stopped to let the group pass and then rejoin mine . One of the group held the door open and told me to go along through . I thanked him but said no . The area around the elevator up is small , I didn 't want to get trapped in the larger group . I wanted to wait . He insisted . I said , " No , I 'm here with my family , I will wait for them . " He insisted again . I said ' no ' again . He insisted again . I explained again , " I 'm waiting for my family , please go on through . " Then Joe , Ruby and Sadie arrive , by now most of his group has gone through the door . The kids see what 's happening and run to take the door from the man to hold for me . He has trouble letting them take the door but he does . " I really thought that you were alone , " he said , smiling . The man by the soup station , even though I was clearly part of a group , couldn 't see that group , he saw a person alone , and person who needed help . I can 't even imagine how desperately dark and depressing the scene he must have been seeing . The context for me being there he created sprung from somewhere . The man holding the door simply couldn 't believe me when I said I was with a ' family ' . He saw me as alone . He saw me as needing help . Another dark and depressing picture . Another projection of inner stereotype on outer reality . He heard what I said and must have thought that I was making up an invisible family in a desperate attempt to be seen as normal , and as loved , and as worthy . His surprise when they showed up was written on his face in the colours of prejudice . This to me , is the most dangerous idea that has wormed it 's way into the minds of the non - disabled . Disability creates isolation . Both men shook their heads one at my refusal of his help , the other when the girls took the door from him . I was no use to them . No part of the story they wanted to tell . What good is disability if it doesn 't feed the need of the non - disabled to be inspired by their own kindness and their own goodness ? They shook their heads . Yesterday I thought I had it in me to make 4K . I 'd done some smaller pushes but had topped out at 2 . 6K . But I was itching to try for 4 and I 'd arranged it so that I had time to give it a try . These things can be boring for Joe but he knew it was important to me so had arranged to walk with me some of the way but to go off and do other things when he felt the need to . You see , I can 't talk to him when I 'm pushing , I have to just simply push . We were at the mall that we go to do to his , a place that is well known for it 's mall walking program primarily because it 's a really big mall . One circuit is 1 . 3K . Their map marks out different lengths of walks . I had the pathway in my head and I started . I made the first round in 31 minutes , which , for me , is a record . But on the second round , something changed . As I went round it seemed that I caused a ripple as I went round . People turned . People gawked . People spat out hateful words . I went by a group of small boys with their dad , they saw me and began a loud , " Look how fat he is dad , look , look , look ! ! " One boy asked his dad how come I was so fat , his father answered simply , " Fat people are just really lazy . " I was on my second round of an attempt to do 4K in a heavy wheelchair and being called lazy . As I approached the food court a man was sitting with a baby carriage in front of him , they were directly in my path . I began to change the direction of my chair to go around them , when he pulled the carriage in and out of my way , just I was about to breathe out a ' thank you ' he said , " Must be awful to always be inconveniencing people . " Inconveniencing people ? ! I was pulling around him , he chose to move . And since when in simply being considerate and inconvenience ? There was a brief spell of nothing , people were either rushing in or rushing out of the mall thorough the the big exit doors there and I enjoyed the quiet and the temporary spate of invisibility . I pushed on and I pushed hard . There 's good flooring there and I could make good time . The respite would prove to be temporary , it picked up again . Until I couldn 't push a bit farther . I knew where the 3 . 25K mark was and I aimed for that . I got there and as it happened Joe joined me for the last few feet of my push . I came to a stop and told him that I simply couldn 't do the last . 75K . Everything hurt . My thumbs hurt . I propel this body and my chair with my thumbs . I had to ask Joe to push me to the washroom because when I stopped my body seized up . Coming out of the washroom , where I had used the privacy to do some cool down stretches as well as the TMI stuff , and I was able to push myself to the food court for a bite to eat , a bottle of water , and rest . I told Joe what had happened and what people had said , he told me that he had heard some of it . He wondered why I didn 't react . I told him that I wasn 't there that day for anyone but me . I wasn 't there to confront anyone 's prejudice . I wasn 't there to be an educational opportunity for the mean spirited or the bigots . I was there to accomplish a goal , which I very nearly did . I just had someone say to me that they ' don 't think of me as being disabled . ' I 'm afraid I rather lost it on them . Sadly , I was a bit incoherent in my response because the statement upset me so very much . You see , like many people with disabilities , I 'm fairly skilled at being disabled . I know how to exist in this world . I know how to adapt to the environments I 'm in . I know how to make difficult things easier . I know when I need help , I know when I don 't . I 'm the expert in my own disability , my own body and my own adaptations . I get that , because of that , someone may see me getting along just fine in the world . I get that they would translate that into the ' I don 't see you as disabled ' compliment . It 's not a compliment , of course , it 's a veiled insult . Disability is the opposite of competence . Disability is the opposite of getting alone . Disability is the opposite of accomplishment . Even so , I shouldn 't have told him to ' shut up . ' And I shouldn 't have told him that so loudly . At the moment that the non - compliment was given , I was exhausted from having a difficult night with the pain which I experience as a result of my disability . I spent much of my night moving from one to another to another of the positions which I can sleep in , each beginning with a relief of pain and each slowly waking me with its return . At the moment of that non - compliment I had just pushed myself up a steep hill , which I do normally , but today it was snow covered and I was having to use a pushing technique that I can do but that I find difficult . My coping , my adapting , my endurance was erased by that statement . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have dropped the ' f bomb ' several times during my response . When they say that I have ' the lived experience of having a disability , ' they are right . However , when that ' lived experience ' is one that becomes invisible as I learn more every day about what I can and can 't do and what adaptions work in what situations and how to orient my body in my chair in order to do what I want to do , people assume that the ' lived experience ' isn 't really all that different than the ' lived experience ' of those who walk and those who move through air as if it has no weight . At the moment that I was granted non - disabled status , I was feeling my disability in a very real way . It held meaning for me , and that meaning mattered . The dismissal and erasure of that experience angered me . Even so , I probably shouldn 't have used both ' ablist ' and ' asshole ' so closely together in a sentence . But what troubles me , is that I 'm sure an apology is expected . I 'm sure he feels the innocent victim of my anger . I 'm sure he sees himself as the one who gave a compliment and me as the one who lost a wee bit of control . So I will apologize , but for how I said what I said , but not for what I said . Yesterday I arrived at a meeting nearly an hour and a half early . Traffic had been better than anticipated and , then , well , um , I got the time wrong . So in that hour and a half I decided to lap the mall that the restaurant was attached to , I mean , why not ? Joe decided to head off and do some other stuff , he was with me to provide transportation and to sit in on the meeting , while I did my laps . So , I began . I hadn 't really done any long distance pushing since my trip to England and my muscles were a bit resistant , particularly when they woke up and realized what was happening , but I pushed through it and I pushed hard . The mall wasn 't busy so I had long stretches I could go at maximum speed . There was a young man in the mall speed walking , he was maybe 20 or 21 years old and he lapped me a couple of times . He was very , very , fast . On his third lap he put his fist out for me to ' fist bump ' I think it 's called , and I did so , without really breaking my stride ( what do you call it when pushing cause stride isn 't the right word ? ) . It was a nice acknowledgement from someone else in the mall doing what I was doing . The next time he lapped me he slowed down his pace but spoke really rapidly . He quickly explained to me that he wanted me to understand that he didn 't fist bump me because I had a disability or for any other reason , it was just because we were both obviously working out and it was a sign of encouragement and camaraderie ( he didn 't use that word but that 's what he meant ) . Clearly immediately after we had ' bumped ' it worried him how I might perceive it . This impressed me because sometimes people do stuff to people with disabilities that are really about us being disabled rather than us being part of a group focused on something else . That he would know that and worry about it was a bit of a surprise . I ended up chatting with a young fellow , to me that 's around 30 , with a disability on a ride to work . He asked me what I did for a living and then told me about his job , about which he was quite proud . Without even lowering his voice to become conspiratorial , he openly said that we weren 't like ' those others . ' And while he is right , the employment rate of people with disabilities is abysmal , it is so because of employers refusing to make accommodations either to their workplaces or to their mindset . I didn 't want to feel like he thought I was in a club with him , ' employed and valuable ' v ' unemployed and of significantly less value . ' So , I said so . He vehemently disagreed and did the ' if I can do it anyone can ' kind of speech that people find so inspirational . It 's not true of course , but people love that shit . Non - disabled people realize that since Chis Hatfield could be an astronaut then so can they . Time and talent and opportunity matter . Not everyone is fit for the same path , we are all resolutely making our own way and cutting our own path . I told him that I thought that argument ' nonsense ' . . . which was probably the wrong word to use and he reacted in a manner which I should have anticipated , he got angry . It was very important to him that he not identify with ' those people ' and it was clear that he identified with ' valued working people ' most of whom are non - disabled . He felt that his work raised his status and had him accepted as equal to his non - disabled colleagues . His value as a person was diminished by his disability but then enhanced by the fact that he held a job and was respected at work . He was shocked that I didn 't feel the same way , that I belonged to a , though he didn 't say this exactly , ' different class of disabled person . ' Then . THEN . He said that it annoyed him when people assumed that he was . . . and here he used the r word . . . maybe the first time I 've heard it spoken in casual conversation by another disabled person . That ' those people really had no place in a modern society . I challenged him on his use of the word , his hatred of people with intellectual disabilities and his own deeply held self hatred . I 've been bubbling this interaction around in my mind for a long time now . Because what came of it for me is that I do think that there is a ' right ' type of disabled person , one that his part of the disability pride movement and who values the disability experience and one who lives without need of approval of the non - disabled . He 's not that . I 'm having trouble not valuing him less . I just had a food accident . On the trip from fork to gob there is a bit of territory over my shirt that has to be traversed . A piece of yolk leapt from it 's bed of toast and landed on my shirt just beside the buttons , near the top . I quickly brushed it away and in doing so drew a line of yolk down the front of my shirt . I tried to wash it off but it just made the line bigger . I have to start work with my shirt looking like there is a yellow caution line running down the right side of my heart . I try to mask it by making a fold in my shirt but then realize that the fold is more obvious than the offending yellow streak and would have people wondering what I was hiding beneath the fold . Given I 'm in Canada the first thought wouldn 't be ' weapons ' . . . but who knows what else they might come up with . I 've decided to just leave it there and pretend it 's not there , or pretend it 's part of the design of the shirt . . . ' what you don 't have the latest in men 's fashion , yolk yellow chic ? ' Besides we all say that it 's what 's on the inside , which in this case is the rest of the yolk . But then they say that ' clothes makes the man . ' Um , I hope not , even on a good day with yolk - less shirts , I hope that 's not true . Now don 't think of me as anything more than a sit in the wheelchair and lift 25 pound dumbbells 30 reps , 10 at a time , in 8 different ways kind of guy . That 's for me , weight lifting . But besides the benefit of being able to push myself further and further and up steeper ramps , there 's another benefit . A few days ago Joe started to complain about pain in his shoulder . He 's got a doctors appointment all set up to check it out , but until then I decided that he would no longer load my wheelchair in or take it out of the trunk . I would take over that duty . We arranged for me to do this in an underground parking lot with no one around . I didn 't want to fall or look foolish in front of an audience . I needed to learn how to pick the chair up , how to position my body , how to get the car from trunk to ground and all without falling over myself . The first time wasn 't pretty . The second time still wasn 't pretty but it was effective . So it 's been a few days now that Joe has been able to completely rest his shoulder and that I 've been getting the chair out of the car . I 'm still a bit clumsy doing it , but I do it . The strength isn 't the problem , it 's the ballet movements involved in positioning and lifting , that 's the issue for me . Today Joe said his shoulder was feeling slightly better . I was so pleased . He 's still going to see the doctor to check it out , but I felt that I was actively helping him to heal . I was startled when I saw his name of the ' Today 's Birthdays ' list on my FaceBook page . Of course , I realized , FaceBook doesn 't know that he died last year . I clicked on his name and was taken to his page . It 's still there and several people used the opportunity of his birthday to write about what he meat to them and how much he was missed . I tried several times to write something , but I couldn 't . I had been thrilled to reconnect with him when I found his name of FaceBook . We chatted a couple of times and the old guy in the pictures I saw of him became the young guy I remembered . He was a sweet kid . I liked him . At one time I called him a friend . I had been steeling up to have a hard conversation with him , and I was nearly ready , when he passed away . It 's a conversation I 'll never have , it 's an apology I will never give , and for that , I grieve deeply . We were in grade 7 , I think when it all came out . But , I 'm getting ahead of myself . In the town I grew up in there were two schools , the elementary school and the high school . One went from grades 1 to 6 the other from 7 to 12 . We were all excited to be in the high school . Adjusting to the move from the oldest in one to the youngest in the other was difficult but the move , for all of us was more than symbolic . It was a real representation of our progress towards adulthood and , as we naively saw it , freedom . Walking into a classroom to see one of the teachers from the elementary school there was a shock . He had been transferred to the senior school and none of us was particularly happy about that . He was an odd man . His oddness wasn 't immediately obvious . In fact he was a good looking , highly presentable guy , who took care of his appearance . He was well spoken and gracious . In all senses he was a ' good role model ' for us boys . He was a teacher that often broke boundaries . He had favourites amongst the boys . He would take those boys who did best on the spelling tests on camping trips as rewards . They were nearly always the same boys . I wanted to go . But I never scored high enough . We never saw the scores of the winning boys , we just assumed that truth was being told and those kids were the best , the very best , at spelling . I don 't remember if the fellow I 'm writing about ever went on a camping trip . But I do know that he became teacher 's target in high school . He was smaller than all the rest of us , he would physically mature a grade or two later . I remember one day in particular . The teacher had been in an mood for the whole class . He was making jokes that none of us understood and behaving a bit erratically . I was in the desk beside the target boy . The teacher came and sat on his desk , said some silly things , and put his hand out to touch the student 's face . He squirmed in his seat . He glanced around him at all of us . Some were laughing . Most were not . We could see pain and fear all over him . Not just the expression on his face , but over his whole body . I let it happen . In front of me . I knew it was wrong . I didn 't know how wrong it was until later that year when the teacher was arrested and charged with sexually abusing several of the boys in my class . It had taken years for it to come out . The town went silent . One night , shortly after the charges , a mob of men and women , fired by anger , made its way to his home . He was not there , his wife , a really pretty woman , was there . She opened the door to them . She sobbed . She didn 't know . How could she have known . She was so sorry , but she didn 't know . I 'd failed another kid in my class . I didn 't know that the teacher was a sexual abuser , but I did know that he used his attentions and his affections to torture a fellow student in class in front of all of us . I know the teacher counted on his power to keep us silent . I was wrong then , and I would be wrong now should I ever think the same thing again . I had wanted to say to him that I saw what I saw and that my silence didn 't negate his experience or make it less real . I wanted to say that because I know , deeply , personally know , that silence is an invalidator . He 'll never know how deeply my regret runs . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
We woke to much cooler temperatures , about 52 degrees , here in Grand Island Nebraska . I went out about 8 to begin getting ready to pull out and in the distance , I can see some ominous clouds and then , as if on cue , thunder . That seemed to set the stage for the morning . Again , as if on cue , the very moment that I sat down in the truck to drive out , the rain began . We managed to avoid the heaviest rainstorm and after traveling for about an hour , we ran out of the rain but for the third time , right on time , as we drove out of the rain , a few hailstones hit the windshield , so we just missed the hail storm . So far , this has been a lucky trip for us . The night after we left Oklahoma , there was a bad storm with heavy rain and hail . Lucky us ! ! The trip today was very nice . We made two long stops , one for fuel and the second for coffee . The fuel stop was made because we have been getting lower fuel mileage because of all the hills and of course , the elevation changes . We still had plenty of fuel in the tanks to make Custer tomorrow , but felt that it would be better to be safe and fill up now , so we did . We found some decent prices too , so that made it even better . I woke to a cool morning , which was a big relief from the heat yesterday afternoon when we arrived . Stella was soon awake and we talked about changing our destination for tonight from a small county park in Grand Island Nebraska to a full hookup park . Stella had found a KOA campground near Grand Island in one of her books but I didn 't find it in anything I had , so we decided to keep looking . We found a new park in Kearney Neb . which is a few miles further down the road from Grand Island and decided to go there today . It puts us a little closer to our next - day stop in Alliance Nebraska and is a full park . We pulled out about 9 o ' clock , or right on time ! The roads were very quiet this morning since the hubbub of the holiday was past and we made good time . Not too long after we left , I saw a white Ford on the side of the road with yellow and red lights flashing . Believing it to be a normal police car with a violator stopped , I changed lanes as required but when I got up to it I saw that it was marked as a State Farm Motorist Assistance vehicle . That 's a new one ! Then later I noticed a sign that said that the Kansas Transportation Authority had teamed up with State Farm to give stranded motorists some assistance . Another thing that I noticed today was that a part of Interstate 35 has been turned into a toll road . Whats up with that ? Weren 't federal funds used to build the interstate highway in the first place ? Why are we now being charged a toll to drive on a road that we 've paid for with tax dollars ? Why are we being double taxed ? Why am I ranting to you - my friends , family and followers ? Why am I becoming a grumpy old man ? We drove and drove through Kansas for what seemed like a day and a half . I had forgotten how boring wheat fields can be . There are only a few truck stops or other places to pull into for a cup of coffee but i did notice that Kansas has " Service Plazas " like the tool roads in Indiana and Ohio . One of them had some good prices on fuel and I started to pull in and fill up but didn 't really need fuel yet so I kept on driving . Stella called ahead to make a reservations at the new park , the Kearney RV Park . The man on the telephone told her that it was a good idea to give a credit card to hold a spot for tonight because they have been filling up every night . You might want to keep that in mind if heading in this direction and needing a place to stay for a night or two . We drove and drove through Kansas for what seemed like days . Does wheat grow anywhere else in the world ? There is almost nothing along the roadside except for an occasional farmhouse or barn but they are set pretty far off the road . There aren 't very many places to stop either so have plenty of fuel when driving through here . When we got to Kearney we saw an enormous arch over the highway . It is the Great Platte River Road Archway that reflects the history of the Great Platte River Road from the Oregon Trail era to modern fiber optics . We didn 't take the time to go to the arch , although it is very near the RV park where we are staying . We were tired and just wanted to get out of the truck for awhile . These seats , while comfortable , get old after a couple of days of driving . When we arrived at the park , there was no one in the office . Since we had made a reservation , we knew we would have a space , so I called the furnished telephone number and spoke with the owner . He was out running errands and told me which space to park in . This is a brand new place , and it shows . Dirt and koleche roads with koleche drives into the sites and little or no grass . Time will improve it . The owner came down after getting his running around done and brought Stella up to the office to take care of checking in . While setting up , a neighbor 's bulldog came over to visit . He was a friendly dog , and was just looking for a friend but our two dogs freaked out , barking and letting us know that there was a strange dog around . There was actually no problem with the dog and Stella said something to the owner . He told her that the dog belongs to one of the workers that is staying in the park and that the dog is normally on a tie - out . He said he would make sure he puts the dog up when he gets off work . I would recommend this park if you are in this area or passing through and needing a place to stay . I cleaned as many bugs as I could off the front of the truck and trailer . There doesn 't seem to be a rule against washing the trailer and the grass appreciated the water . One more travel day and we 'll be at our destination . We can do it ! I got up to cool temperatures this morning with a nice breeze blowing . A great day for moving ! With the porch already down , much of my work was done , so I took the time to go drink coffee with Larry and a few others that came down . We were having such a good time visiting and chatting , it was after 8 before I realized the time and went back home to get to work . Of course , this was the day that Stella was working hard to get the inside things put away and ready to travel , so I got in trouble . . . . again . We were ready to go by 9 or a little after but had decided to stop at the rally hall and get a cup of coffee to go , and most of the others that had stayed were down there , so by the time we said goodbye to everyone , it was about 9 : 45 when we pulled out . Thackerville is on the south side of Oklahoma , in fact at mile marker 1 on I - 35 . The park here in Kansas is at mile marker 4 , also on I - 35 , so we drove all the way across Oklahoma in a little over four hours , arriving here at 2PM . Man , it 's hot here in Kansas . The only other time we 've been in Kansas was several years ago , when we returned to Texas from Colorado through Kansas and down through Oklahoma . The only thing we remembered about Kansas was the wheat fields that seemed to run on forever . It must still be that way here because the man in the office of the park immediately began telling me about the wheat and what a good crop they 're going to have this year . I guess that when that 's all there is in a state , that 's all there is to talk about . This park is really nothing , but I found it on the Passport America website . According to the website , the regular price for a site is $ 50 but being PA members , we got it for half price . I thought , a $ 50 site has got to be pretty good , but to get that much money , they would have to wash my trailer along with the stay . There is nothing here , no trees , no concrete , little grass and of course no pool . There is a good wi - fi that I 'm using now , but it 's a stretch to call this a $ 50 place . It was easy off and easy to get to , so its not all bad . I 'd spend a night here again , but only at the PA rate . There weren 't as many RV 's on the road as I had figured to see . Memorial Day is normally the kick - off of the summer but there wasn 't much traffic on the road . That was probably a blessing when we went through Oklahoma City . We 've breezed through all the big cities so far this trip . I hope to keep it up ! Well , here we are already at the final full day here in Oklahoma at the Okie 's first rally . The rally has gone exceptionally well , probably because of Larry 's background of being in the Good Sam rally group . I like to think it because of his background and training as a Heartland Chapter leader by the Texas Chapter Leader , me ! Just kidding ! Larry and Donna have done a great job in their first rally . There was coffee and leftover donuts and cookies in the rally hall this morning . There wasn 't a lot of planned activity today since several were leaving because of work . Yuck ! I went around and visited with the ones that were packing up and before long , they were on the road back home . I came back home and got caught up on my record keeping and computer work and missed the ladder golf game . Everyone said that it was a good game and I 'm sorry I missed it , but at least now , I 'm all caught up with my " work " . Late in the afternoon , we all decided to go eat some Mexican food at a new restaurant in Gainesville called Serna 's . I was glad to get one more Mexican food dinner before we head north because I know that there will be slim pickins ' for good spicy food for the rest of the summer . Then on the other hand , Stella 's tacos are pretty good . We can buy some avocados for a guacamole salad , fry up some chips , make some salsa . . . . wait a minute , I 'm going to make myself hungry again . You should have seen Larry and some of the others . They discovered that some of the silverware was magnetic and that they could pick up their fork or spoon with their knife . I 'm telling you , it doesn 't take much to amuse us sometimes . After eating , we came back to the park and played a few more games of chickenfoot or other domino games . We had a lot of fun and it certainly got loud in there while we played ! Note to anyone reading this ; if you 're building a game room or rally hall , use some carpet on the floors . Maybe on the walls . It absorbs sounds that echo around the room and make it hard for some older people to hear each other . Just a suggestion . I know that there are probably a lot of builders and designers that read this and I just wanted to let them know . Call this a public service announcement . We went down for coffee and donuts in the rally hall courtesy of the Oklahoma club . We have been having a lot of fun with this group and today was no different . We played a dice game called Chickenfoot that was a lot of fun . We probably played for a couple of hours and went home to eat a bite of lunch and met back at the rally hall for a meeting . I forgot about having our group picture taken in front of Larry 's trailer where he had his Heartland banner put out . . . Oops We had the meeting and after , they gave out door prizes . They did the prizes different than normal , by allowing the winner to choose which prize they take . They had a nice prize for everyone attending , so everybody was happy . We traveled to the Catfish Louie 's restaurant for supper tonight . It was a good restaurant in Gainesville which is very near us here . The food was good but the best thing was the price . With everything included , we only paid about $ 16 for both of us ! We came back here to the park and played a couple of games of LCR , another dice game . Of course , these games are rigged and I didn 't win . It was a lot of fun and when the games were over , we all split up to sit outside and visit . Some will be leaving tomorrow , but we 're staying until Monday . I 'm sure that we 'll have some more fun tomorrow . Today is the anniversary of my first post on my blog . At that time , I was still working as a Police Detective and had not planned to retire when I did . Things have certainly changed since then ! ! ! Who 'd a thought I 'd have 977 posts on this thing ? I 'll say one thing for this Oklahoma group , they throw a good rally . We played a card game called 9 hole golf that was a lot of fun and then last night after supper we played candy bar bingo . The golf game really has nothing in common with golf but it uses 9 cards to play . Without boring you with trying to teach you to play , it was a pretty cool game . The candy bar bingo game is one that we have seen played by children but this variation was an adult version and lots of fun . The winner gets to choose what kind of candy bar they win by matching up playing cards . They had coffee and donuts for breakfast this morning and there was a good turnout . It was very nice to sit around and visit with our friends here . Supper was a potluck but the meat was furnished by the club . There was pulled pork and barbecued brisket and both were very tasty . Of course , the potluck side dishes were great , as usual . When was the last time you had a good meal at a potluck ? Our first full day here began well with a good group ( 7 rigs ) being here already . I walked around and took a few photos and visited with those that were up and about . Larry , the Chapter Leader for Oklahoma , gave me an agenda for the rally , and so I knew that we needed to go to a grocery store for some supplies for the potluck and tomorrow 's hot dog and hamburger dinner . Since we are not from around here , we decided to go to the store early and get that chore out of the way . I went into the office and learned that there are no stores in Thackerville except a convenience store , but there is a Tom Thumb grocery in nearby Gainesville TX that we could go to . We found it with no problem and got our shopping done quickly and were on our way back . The feeder roads were under construction , so we were detoured around , but after driving around for what seemed like a couple of hours , we were on our way back to the park . You know those huge wings that are used on the wind generators to produce electricity ? Yeah , those huge things that we see being pulled on the highway and escorted by cars and trucks with flashing lights . Those things are built right here in Gainesville Texas . Interesting . . . Our supper tonight was hot dogs and hamburgers that were furnished by the club . We all brought side dishes or desserts and again it was a fine time . Everyone had arrived today , so the rally hall was pretty full . Everyone had a great time and we all sat around visiting before going home for the night . Congratulations to Larry and Donna for a very good first rally . We got away about 9 : 30 instead of 8 : 30 but it worked out okay . I was through with my outside work at 8 : 30 , but Stella told me not to touch anything with the repaired hydraulics since that was the first thing to mess up in our problems . I did as she asked , and everything worked perfectly ! No problem , no drama , everything worked exactly like it was supposed to do . We actually made excellent time all day . We breezed through Houston without slowing down , and in fact the first time we were below 60 MPH was when we slowed to take our first rest stop in Huntsville . The state of Texas has improved so many of the rest areas , and all travelers should take advantage of it . The new rest areas also feature free wi - fi hotspots , so if you need to check email or send one , this is a good place to do it . We pulled into the Winstar Casino RV park a little after 4 , and someone forgot to tell Mother Nature that we were coming . It was very hot and the wind was blowing about 40 MPH ! It wasn 't long before we were all set up and ready to rally ! We went over to the casino for a brief visit to get Stella 's gift card enabled . That $ 10 gift card could make us millionaires this weekend if she plays the slots well , so if I don 't continue this blog , you 'll know that we were big winners in the casino and are living the high life . I was up pretty early and getting things done on our last full day here . I had a couple of things that I wanted to take to storage , so I was out the door before 9 this morning . Our parts were supposed to be here today , and I knew that Stella wanted to go wash our dirty clothes and one of us would have to be here when the work is being done , so I wanted to get an early start . I found diesel fuel for about . 15 cheaper than the other stations , so I pulled in and spent what felt like an hour filling both tanks before going to store our stuff . Keep this in mind for later . . . After leaving the storage lot , I decided to stop off at Discount Tire to get a free air check . The nice young man there would not accept any money for topping off the air in all the truck tires and I was quickly on my way . I did learn to twist the decorative center caps on the rear dually wheels . They will fall off in the parking lot if not properly secured . I stopped off at Wal Mart to pick up a couple of last minute items including another wash bucket to keep the truck and trailer clean . My last one blew away during a storm , but they 're only about $ 3 , so I didn 't spend much money . I came on back home and stopped by the office to check on our parts . They were in HALLELUJAH ! ! but Ryan had been sent over to Alvin to install some awning material for a customer . Willy the service manager , told me that he knew we intended to leave tomorrow and he would send Ryan over as soon as he returned . It was probably close to 2 PM before Ryan came by . I had just taken Stella to wash our clothes and had just gotten back when he arrived . He began to work and about 15 - 20 minutes later , he had installed the parts and was ready to check the slide operation . He hit the button and NOTHING ! happened . With a puzzled look , he went back outside and began trying to get things going . Mike dropped by to load his trailer up and take it home for them to take a trip this weekend and he and I tried to think of things to suggest to Ryan , but he figured it out on his own . It had to be a bad slide - out switch , so he left to see if they had a switch in stock . Mike got loaded up and I wanted to watch him negotiate the turn out of the park , so as I walked over the exit gate , I saw Ryan returning with the new switch . HALLELUJAH ! ! again , it worked ! We slid the doorside room in and bumped the offdoor side so we knew it worked . Talk about a last minute fix ! He got through about 3 o ' clock in the afternoon . Now keep in mind that I 'm usually outside when all this sliding rooms in is going on and didn 't think about the furniture that has to be moved and everything picked up off the floor to get the slides in . And of course , the dogs were freaking out when the couch started to move . Long story short , everything is working properly now so all is well with the world . Our world at least . . . We decided to go over and see the boys one more time before we leave . Of course , as soon as we got there , both of them , being eternally hungry , demanded that we take them out to eat before we go . It 's not , we want to spend a little more time with you MeMa and PePaw , it , we 're hungry and you need to feed us ! in fact , Tyler tried to quote me some obscure law that says that grandparents Must take a hungry grandchild out to eat ! I think he 's still trying to find that one in the law book . We ( I ) decided to go eat some oriental food at one of our old favorite buffets . Cameron , being the food critic in the family , said the food wasn 't very good there but we went anyway . I 've got to give Cam his due , he knows his restaurants . The food wasn 't bad , it just wasn 't good . It was stale and tough and wasn 't the same quality of food that we had before . I 'll bet there is something else in this location the next time we come . After a lot of hugs , we were on our way back home to start packing . I decided that , since we have driven about 50 miles since I filled up this morning , I would stop at a station that is near the park and top off the tank . I wanted to start this long trip absolutely full . I told Stella that I knew we were down about 3 , maybe 4 gallons of fuel , so we wouldn 't spend only a couple of bucks at the pump . I said it would look really stupid to go in and only get a tiny amout of fuel with prices what they are now . The pump wouldn 't take my credit card , so Stella went inside and told the clerk that we would only need about $ 12 - $ 15 worth of fuel and she turned the pump on . In only a few seconds , she told Stella I was through and the bill was only 60 cents ! Our auxilliary tank siphons fuel into the truck tank as we drive , and that was all I could get into the truck ! I was too embarrassed to put any into the extra tank , so we left . The truck tank is absolutely full , right up to the filler neck ! Today is our next - to - last day here at the Oasis . I went down to the office first thing in the morning and got the bad news that the parts were not being shipped until today . I had been afraid of that because Ryan had called Bob at Lippert to order the parts and the call had gone to voice mail . He didn 't get the message until too late to get the order out on Friday , so it looks like its going to go right down to the wire on the repairs . Bummer , but as long as they come in tomorrow . We ran a few more errands brought a couple more items over to storage and bought a few groceries for the road and for the potluck dinner in Oklahoma and returned home . We were meeting our friends Harry and Judy for supper at the Monterrey House restaurant in Dickinson . This has always been one of our favorite mexican restaurant and they didn 't disappoint us . The food is good and inexpensive , always a good combination and they have the best salsa and chips , so we enjoyed our time with our good friends . Sadly Harry had a heart attack about 9 months ago and hasn 't been released by is doctor yet to get back out on the road . Get well soon Harry , we miss you and the road is calling ! Today was another relaxing day around here . I didn 't feel too well this morning and decided not to go to Cam 's baseball game . Stella decided to go , so she drove over and went to the ball game , which was another loss , 8 - 0 . She and Kim then went to a short concert by the jazz band that Tyler is a member of . It was a very short performance and she was back home in the early afternoon . We stayed around here for awhile and just as Stella was getting ready to fix us something to eat , Tommy and Susan called and invited us to go eat with them . We had just the place , Bubba 's in San Leon . They said that it sounded good to them , so off we went . When we got over to the area where the restaurant was , we found that something was going on and there were about a million cars parked along the streets making it hard to get around . We never made it to Bubba 's and decided to go to another well - known restaurant in the area , the Topwater Grill . The food was good but not great in my opinion . This restaurant was just about destroyed in the storm but has been rebuilt and is even larger than ever . I was disappointed that we didn 't get to Bubba 's but we 'll go another time . We 're still hoping that our parts will come in tomorrow morning and we can get everything done . This is not a bad park , but we 're ready to get back on the road . We can 't wait for the summer trips that we have planned . If all goes as planned , we 'll be on the road on Wednesday . Today was a bad day around here . No everything in the trailer is okay , but we went to two of Cameron 's baseball games and they got spanked in both of them . They were dominated in most of the first game but made a comeback in the final inning and lost 7 - 6 . ( They must play at least 4 innings , but the games are limited to 1 1 / 2 hours for scheduling ) The second game was a blowout defeat and at the end of 3 innings , they were behind 15 - 1 , but again rallied in the final at - bat and lost it 17 - 5 . Cam was in a bad mood after the game and didn 't even speak to me as we left the field . I had planned for him to come over and swim in the pool here but he was acting up and didn ; t get invited . We came on back home and hung out here . Let me ask you a question . Yesterday I bought a new shredder at Office Depot for Stella to use when she gets rid of our own documents but mainly for shredding her client 's documents . At the same time I bought a new computer game and while checking out , the clerk warned me that if the game was opened , it could not be returned . I asked her if this rule would still apply if the software was defective and she said the rule is , no return if opened , no exceptions . I didn 't know if this was a friendly warning to all customers or somehow she was telling me this software was possibly bad . I hesitated buying but it was a brand of game that I have bought several times in the past , just an updated version . Well , sure enough , I got home and downloaded the new software and now it won 't load . Now comes the real question . We hadn 't unpacked the shredder , so I thought about taking it back to the store and get my money back for that item if they stick to their policy . No problem there and it would make my point , but Stella really does need the new shredder and was glad to get it . Decisions , decisions . . . Since I had heard that my parts are in , I went up to talk to Willy about the status of the work to be done . Let me tell you , these guys around here are among the busiest I 've ever been around , with working on boats , trailers and answering questions from pestering customers like me . I have never had a conversation with Willy without another employee coming in to ask him a question about something that is more important than what I 'm talking to him about . Well , to be honest , its more important to someone , maybe not me . . . Anyway , I have a great deal of respect for the whole service crew here . If I was working here , I 'd probably install an outboard motor on someone 's fifth wheel or something else silly like that . Ryan was soon at our house and began to work on the new slide ram that he had installed . The doorside slide still wouldn 't move , but he finally discovered that it was not really the ram that was a problem but the solenoid that controls it . He switched the wiring on the solenoids and the other slide wouldn 't work so he knows where the problem is . He ordered the parts that are needed and hopefully they will be delivered soon so we can still leave on schedule on Wednesday . While he was here , we checked on the leveling system . Everything works now as advertised . The auto level works again , the rear jacks work properly and the stabilizers are synced in with the rest of the leveling system . I want to reflect for a few moments on some recent events . We have already talked about the Travon Martin killing in Florida , but it seems that it just won 't go away . Yesterday there was news that Zimmerman 's injuries are consistent with his story . Witnesses are now being quoted as seeing the fight and Zimmerman being on the ground , apparently getting the worst of the fight . Okay , is the jury ( the news - reading public ) ready to render their verdict ? How can this man get a fair trial ? We have seen much of the evidence including photos , so why even have a trial ? Another big why is the Roger Clemens charge of lying to congress . The first trial ended in a mistrial and the government , in their quest for justice , tried this man again ! Now their lead witnesses have admitted that they lied , so where is the case ? Why is it that congress can lie to us , their constituents and that is just politics , but a wealthy athlete can lie to them and they are upset . I guess I just don 't understand . I 'm not going to get into Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona and the feds crusade against him . He has been under investigation for just about everything he has done but if you read about what he has accomplished , he should be the Attorney General and not the clown that is in there now . And the other clown that put him there . I can 't wait for January 20 , 2013 - END OF AN ERROR ! Another nice but warm morning here . I found out that the parts are in , so I just waited for Ryan to come down and do the final install . I had gotten a box of old medical records that Stella had been keeping for one of her clients , so she went outside and sat under the awning to shred and I went out so sit with her . Ryan had showed up and was working on replacing the ram on the door side slide . After awhile he asked me to push the slide button but nothing happened . I could hear the hydraulic pump working but the slide didn 't move . Ryan came out scratching his head and after some conversation , he asked me to call Bob at Lippert again for help . I couldn 't get in touch with Bob and left him a message and Ryan went on to other installs . Mike came over and emptied his extra fuel tank into mine . He has made a deal to buy a new truck and didn 't want to let the fuel go with his old truck . Mike also told me that they would take my old Adirondack chairs . Those chairs have been in the family for a long time and they have a large history with us . It gets a few things out of storage and still stays in our " family " . We stayed around while Ryan completed his tasks and later , Stella and I drove over and picked up the chairs and dropped them off at Mike and Patrice 's house . We then rode over to San Leon to find a new restaurant called Bubba 's that Carol had told us about . It wasn 't in the exact location that we had been told but we found it . They advertise that they are " the home of the endless shrimp " so we 'll probably check it out this weekend . I 'll give a review of it when we go . I was up and dressed early this morning because Mike had told me that there was a couple that wanted to look at trailers here at Ron Hoover RV . They also wanted to meet the Heartland Ambassador , so I got up and dressed and wore one of my Heartland shirts to meet these folks and of course , they didn 't show up . Mike and I just sat in the kitchen and drank some coffee while waiting , and let me tell you , the coffee down there was terrible ! It was probably the first coffee made this morning and was burned but its not the worst that I 've ever had . A little later I decided to go get a tool pouch and some more tools from Lowe 's . I had some items to return for a credit and that gift certificate from Caddo Lake NWR so now I had some MONEY to spend ! It took me a long time to make up my mind because that store is so big and I didn 't have Stella along to slow me down - or speed me up to get out of the men 's toy store ! Where did all the cool mornings and evenings go ? It was hot today . The humidity levels are pretty low but there is so much moisture in the ground from the heavy rains over the weekend that it is still steamy out here in this swamp where the RV park is located . Can 't wait to get moving north ! We began today with another nice morning with cool temperatures . It won 't be long until these cool mornings are just a memory . Rain had been forecast and it stayed cloudy most of the day and was a pleasant day to work outside . Ryan and a helper came over and installed the rear stabilizer and the solenoid that was bad but one of the boxes from Lippert got lost in transit , so we 're waiting on that to arrive . Things are really starting to shape up ! While it was cool and cloudy I finished up waxing the front and door side of the trailer . I am glad to have gotten that chore out of the way and the trailer looks great . I think Cameron has some ball games this weekend , so we 'll go to see him play and I won 't get anything done around here , but I 'll be busy with last minute chores before we leave on Wednesday . Mike and Patrice came over for awhile this evening and we had a nice visit with them . Mike was driving a new Ford truck that he is thinking about buying that better matches his new full body paint Landmark . Its very pretty and I wish him well with it . I don 't want another larger truck payment . I hope this truck lasts us a long time . I began the morning by going up to the service desk to check on the parts that we are expecting . They must have been very busy up there because I stood around for about 10 minutes before my technician , Ryan , came out . He told me that they expect the parts from Lippert either today or tomorrow and the new toilet and water pump have come in . He said he would be down later to install these two items . Sounds good ! I returned home and decided to go over to the storage lot where we 've got lots and lots of stuff that we decided to keep when we sold the house . There is a huge assortment of stuff there , from RV and truck supplies to household furniture . I moved it around and made it easier to walk around in there and removed some things that needed to be thrown out . A very few items were brought back to the trailer and before I knew it , I had been there for a couple of hours . I decided to make a list of items I would like to sell and put them on Craigs list . I returned home and after a short cool - down period , I had made up my ad for Craigs list and put the items up for sale . Ryan and another tech came down and installed the new toilet and water pump , so we were back in business soon . It took them less than 30 minutes to get the jobs done and all I had to do was unload the underbelly storage on one side of the trailer . Man , it got hot in a hurry ! I went back inside for awhile to cool off again but later in the evening , when the sun started to go down , I went out and started waxing the front and doorside of the trailer . I wanted a good coat of wax on the front for our summer trip so the bugs won 't stick quite as bad . We leave next week if all goes well with the trailer repairs . That trailer is HUGE when you 're waxing it ! I was tired from all the other work I had done today , so I didn 't get the side completed but it was enough for today . I came back inside and sat in my chair watching television until time for a shower and bed . It had been an exhausting but productive day . So long . Today is the day for everyone to honor their mother and grandmoth r . I would love to be able to do that , but all of my mothers , both my mother and mother - in - law as well as my grandmothers on both sides are all go e . My mother only lived to be 43 years old and died of canc r . She was a life - long smoker and that terrible disease took her li e . We had a pretty laid back morning around he e . It was nice outside , so we went outside and drank our coffee outsi e . It was a great way to start the d Jeremy invited us to come over to eat barbecued ribs that he was fixing , so we went over there about 2 and hung out all afternoon with them . We didn 't spend much time with the boys because they were glued to their X - Box and other games . I think they like it when we 're in the house but they 're too busy with their own interests . How quickly they grow up ! It rained and stormed all night , and I got up about 3AM when a loud clap of thunder woke me . I stayed up and began reading about the storms that were coming through . There were places near Houston that got over 8 " of rain over night ! It didn 't rain that much here , but there was lots of water around the campground . We stayed inside for most of the morning but I did go out and polish up the front end of the truck . I have been working on the trailer off and on for the past few days , so today I decided to clean up the truck . I want both of them cleaned and waxed before we leave , but may not make it . Its hard to get it all done and still visit with friends and family that are down here . My brother Phil called and invited us over to his house to eat tonight . We went over early to spend some time with him and his wife Carol , and luckily for us , his daughter Lindsay and her two sons AJ and Will were there . Her husband Mark stopped by to pick them up and we had a nice visit with them before they left . Phil fixed us chicken quesadillas and fish tacos which were both very good . We had not had fish tacos before tonight , and they were very good . We enjoyed our time with Phil and Carol and Phil and I went to pick up their son Matthew at work . He was rather surprised when I blew my train horn to attract his attention , but everyone had some fun with it . Phil asked me to blow it again as we left , so we woke up his neighbors - not really , because it was only about 8PM . I did see one of his neighbors come out to see where the train was . I hope Phil doesn 't get in trouble with the neighbors or his HOA . We began our day with a light breakfast and took off pretty early for the AT & T store to get my new I - Phone 3GS phone . I had been told that I already had a 3GS phone but it turned out that it was only the 3G model which didn 't have some features that I wanted and needed . Apple is fazing out all of the 3G phones but for now they are still supporting the 3GS model , so I should be okay for awhile . When it comes to electronics , who knows any more ? With that done , we headed over to Alvin to meet Kristene , who had worked for me in Manvel as Fire Marshal , for lunch . We met her at one of Stella 's favorite restaurants , Kelly 's . Kristene has been on a serious diet and looks great ! It was really good to see our old friend and we had a great lunch to boot , so it was a good time for two reasons . We had some business to get done at the Ron Hoover store in Katy , so we drove up there and were soon on our way back south . Tommy and Susan called and wanted to come down to see us and to go out to eat tonight , so we hurried on back to take care of the doggies and to be ready to meet our friends . This was the first time that they have seen our new trailer , so although it is dirty , they liked it . It 's a big improvement over the Bighorn and they noticed . We decided to go to Galveston for supper . We decided on Benno 's Restaurant on the seawall . The food was very good , a cross between a fast food restaurant - you order your meal at the counter - with some great choices of food . When we finished eating , we drove around for a bit and I pointed out two of the houses that I lived in when I lived on the island . It was a trip back in time for me and we saw some very beautiful old houses in some of the neighborhoods . We had a nice time with our friends . We returned to the Oasis and sat outside for awhile before they had to return home . I have been talking to Tommy , who is a retired professional photographer , about one of those small video cameras . He has a Flip camcorder that he recommends and in fact , he let me use his . I 'll take a few videos and see if I like it before I buy one for myself . you might even see a video soon that I took . Please check back . It was cloudy and cool this morning . Apparently a cool front that came through a few days ago is working . Whatever it is , I like it ! It won 't be long until people down here will be crying for a temperature like we had . Of course , we 'll be in Wyoming or Colorado . Just HAD to rub it in . . . I took care of some chores around the trailer this morning while it was still cool and cloudy . I dumped the tanks and while doing so , I used some spray - on wax that I had bought to wax the back side and end cap of the trailer . These were the sides that were shaded , even though it was cloudy . I used the wax application as a timer for rinsing the black tank . I would wax an area about both of my arms length wide and come back and wipe it off and open the black tank valve . I got a a good rinse on the black tank and a nice wax job on the trailer . Time will tell how good of a wax job I got . I did a little research about a new I Phone for me . I found a 3G - S online for a new price of 99 cents or a refurb for a penny . I decided on the new phone but they wouldn 't ship to a PO box or to an address other than the registered address . I then noticed that some company stores carry these models in stock , so I got on the phone and found one at the store on FM 646 , about 8 miles away . We were soon in the store , ready to get the new phone but it was packed ! We waited about ten or fifteen minutes but were not able to wait much longer because we needed to go pick up Tyler to go to his band concert tonight . We 'll go back tomorrow to get the new phone . Tyler 's band concert was great ! Tyler was recognized for his results in a competition recently and participated in three different bands , the Mariachi , Jazz and the marching band . He played the guitarron ( the large guitar used in mariachi bands ) , and the baritone saxophone in the jazz and marching bands . A very talented young man ! While waiting for the band concert to begin , Stella and I grabbed something to eat at an Alfie 's Fish and Chips restaurant that is near the high school . I have seen this place for years and had never tried it . The food was good , with a good flavor to the fish . It 's not a gourmet restaurant but its not bad . Another late night for us . We didn 't get home until about 9 : 30 and could hear the thunder coming . Rain has been forecast for tonight and tomorrow and the dogs freak out when it thunders , so they were glad to see us . They need some more rain down here and I hope they don 't have another drought summer like last year . I 'll keep track from the mountains . So long . We 've been sleeping later and later for some reason . I can 't explain it , but we 've been sleeping until 8 o ' clock or later for the past two or three days . There is no reason for us to get up early except when we are traveling , which will begin again in another week or so . Actually it is exactly two weeks until we are scheduled to leave here for our summer trip , but who 's counting ? Stella decided to take our laundry over to Kim 's house to wash up so that she and Kim could spend some time together and to save us a couple of bucks . The money didn 't mean nearly as much as the Mother / Daughter time . I didn 't know that it would take ALL DAY LONG ! ! I took her over about 11 and came on back home and piddled around here for the rest of the day . I talked to Ryan and he didn 't plan to do anything else to the trailer today , so I had the day off ! What a concept . . . ! I went back over to pick Stella up about 6 but she and Kim had gone to get their nails done . When they returned , I learned that she still had one load to wash and dry and one more load to dry only . We finally left for home about 9 : 15 . Like I said , it shouldn 't have taken all day . At least we will only have to wash once more before we leave . Since this park is primarily an RV / boat dealer , there is no provision for a laundry facility , so we 'll find one that is nearby . I am amazed at how much the City of LaMarque has changed in the years since I lived and worked here . We lived here when Melissa was born and I worked for the Gibson Discount store and then began my career as a Police Officer officially with the LaMarque Police Dept . The old Gibson store is now an industrial cable company and the PD has moved around the corner from the old location into an old bank building . Of course , all the people that worked there are gone now , either having retired or moved on . My - my , how time flies . So long . I went over to the service office this morning to check on the progress of the parts that are needed . I also needed to find out when Ryan was planning to come over today because we had planned to go over to Kim 's house to do laundry and to give her and Stella a chance to visit . I learned that the technician from Frigidaire was coming over this afternoon and that Ryan was on his way over . Ryan soon came over and removed and repaired the toilet that had begun to leak . He had to remove it to find the gasket that was kinked and replaced it with a new one and reinstalled it . The tech from Frigidaire soon showed up and made an adjustment to the micro / convection oven and so , for today , everything is done ! It was early enough in the afternoon that we still had time to run some errands . I wanted to have my I - Phone checked because it wouldn 't take any updates . We went to the Apple store at Baybrook mall and learned that my phone is up to date but a new 4G phone is recommended . The clerk said that the 3G phones like mine will soon be obsolete and tried really hard to sell me on the idea of a new phone , but I 'm not buying it . I don 't feel the need to buy a new phone every time a new one comes out with some new cool features , so I think I 'll just keep this one . We decided to eat a bite at the Cafe Adobe just outside Baybrook mall . Cafe Adobe had always been one of our favorite restaurants and it was still good here . I can 't tell you the last time we 've been at one but it was everything we remembered . We heard thunder and knew that thunderstorms had been predicted for today , so we hurried out of the restaurant and decided to go back home instead of going to the grocery store . The rain soon started and was pouring down when we passed the HEB store , but we went back home until it had stopped . After a couple of hours , the rain had stopped and we went on back to the store . With all our day 's chores done , we returned home . We were both still full of the mexican food we had earlier , so we didn 't have supper tonight . We like to do this sometimes , and I think we feel better . So long . We woke to another warm morning here in the swamps of LaMarque . Luckily while we have been here it has been pretty breezy and kept the mosquitoes at bay , or at least not biting us . We stayed here several years ago and the skeeters were so bad , they had put up landing lights for them to land . I took the truck to the Dodge dealer to get an oil change and to have the brakes checked . With that done , I went and put some fuel in the big tank , all in preparation for us leaving on time . Right now , I don 't know whether that will happen . No parts have been ordered for the hydraulics yet and I don 't know what kind of shipping times there are between Elkhart Indiana and here . I came back here and cleaned up the outside of the trailer . There have been some birds that roost on the ladder of the trailer and we all know what comes out of the bottom side of a bird . Well , it was caked on the rungs of the ladder and all over the fiberglass . I had gotten it cleaned up and was all nice looking when a big ' ol cloud came up and dropped some rain on us . We need the rain , and since I had just gotten finished with cleaning , there was no issue but I certainly timed it right ! Ryan came over and worked on the awning that had pulled out of the track . I helped him a little bit and together we got it done . I guess if he stays up on the little things that need repair , whenever the parts come in for the Level Up , he 'll be all ready to go . We were up and showered and had breakfast in plenty of time . We found the field without any problem and went to watch the end of the game being played while Cam and his teammates warmed up . The game started promptly at 11 but we were soon down by 4 points . The boys battled back and went ahead but in the last inning , we got behind and couldn 't pull it out . Bummer ! It was a single elimination game , so the tournament was over for the Bengals . The boy 's cousin Jensine had come to the game and brought another friend of hers named Lindsay . The two girls had spent a lot of time with Tyler while at the ball game , and when I suggested that the boys come over to swim this afternoon . They said they would , and asked if Jensine and Lindsay could come too . I told them that they could all come . They all went home for awhile but about 4 , Kim brought the boys back . They said the girls might come but they never showed up . The boys and I went to the pool but there was a large birthday party going on and they didn 't want to crash the party . They came back to our house and hung out for awhile , hoping the party would break up but it didn 't . They went home about 6 : 30 and said that we would try it again next week . We stayed inside and watched " The Blind Side " on television . If you haven 't seen it , it 's a great " feel good " movie . We both read the book and now saw the movie and they are excellent . I plan to spend a lot of time reading my Kindle when we get to Colorado this summer . I am looking forward to sitting outside A LOT this summer when it 's nice and cool but of course I 'll be thinking about all of my friends and family back here in Texas . Enjoy the heat and humidity ! Today was scheduled to be a very busy day due to Tyler and Cameron and all their activities . We went to watch Tyler 's marching band perform for the Cinco de Mayo parade at 10 o ' clock and then for his mariachi band performance at 11 : 30 . Whew ! I was rather surprised to see the intro for the mariachi band performance . I fully expected to see some very " pro Mexico " activities but the singing of the national anthem and pledge of allegiance both went very well . A Hispanic man in front of me did not remove his cap during the anthem but then when they played the Mexican national anthem he didn 't remove it then either . Maybe he was trying to keep from being sunburned ? Cameron had a ensemble performance but somehow the instructions got jumbled and we all missed it . We heard later that he did great , but time will tell when the results are released . Cam 's baseball game this afternoon was at 6 , or so we were told . We came home to fix something to eat and rest up for the games . Stella was just finishing up our meal about 4 when Cameron called to tell us his game time had been changed to 5 o ' clock . You know , when we 're there watching the game , it seems like each inning takes 20 minutes , but since we were late in being told of the game time , we were about ten minutes late to the game and they had already played the 1st inning . Cam 's team - the Houston Bengals - lost the first game but won the second . Cam didn 't pitch in the first game but was sent in as a reliever in the second game and only played one inning . He struck out two batters and made the third out when the batter hit a ground ball back to the pitcher which was an easy toss the the first baseman . He later told me that his coach was holding him out for the Sunday game ( s ) because he is a good pitcher . Tyler had not come to the games because he was still hanging out with his band friends . I called to talk to him and he decided he wanted to come home with us to spend the night . I knew that Cam had to have his baseball uniform washed , so he would have to go home and might not want to come over , so we went to pick Tyler up and were on our way home when Cameron called and asked if we would come back over and pick him up . We did , so both boys spent the night with MeMa and PePa but were ready for bed as soon as they got here . It had been a long day for all of us . I spoke with my friend Ken , who owns RV - EZ Step , to tell him of a problem I have with some of the " feet " on my porch / steps . He told me to bring it over to his shop in Manvel this morning and he would look at it . When the powder coating had been applied , they apparently left the threads of the bolt on the feet exposed , making them freeze in place . Ken used a huge pipe wrench to get the bolts loose and after removing them , he used his wire wheel to clean them up . He then applied a new copper lubricant , so now they better than new ! On my way out , I noticed that Chief Garcia 's vehicle was at the Manvel PD , so I decided to stop in to see my old boss and friend . I noticed his vehicle because it is the one that I had bought for my use when I worked at the Police Dept . It was good to catch up with things in Manvel , but even though he mentioned me coming back from retirement , I am not interested in going back . On my way back home , I decided to stop by our old house to see if I could search around the back yard to find the plaque that I got for Ralphie , my dog that passed away about five years ago . It would have meant a lot to me if I could find it . I talked to the owner , a hispanic man who was very nice and allowed me to check in the yard where I had buried him but could not locate it . Someone had removed all the lily plants that were back there and the ground was hard as a rock and nothing was seen on top of the ground . I dug around , trying to find a piece of the ceramic monument but couldn 't find anything . It was heartbreaking for me but then I didn 't really expect to find it . We hung out for the afternoon but got a call from Mike and Patrice inviting us to meet them at Gringos restaurant to celebrate Patrice 's birthday . The restaurant was crowded and very loud tonight , so after a good meal with great friends , we came on back here and sat outside until the skeeters started to bite . Mike had brought their trailer out here yesterday but they didn 't spend the night here but said they will be back to stay tomorrow . Today was another slow day for us . We ran errands and Stella got her hair cut . Ryan seems to be making progress on our work and all four jacks are down and steadying the trailer . There are parts ordered , so as soon as they come in , we will be back in business . So long . Today was a very laid - back day for us . We were expecting Ryan , the technician from Ron Hoover to come by and give us an update on the service work but he didn 't show up . I later walked up to the office and had a chat with Willie the service manager . I offered my help in getting things set up and expedited but Willie told me to hold off before doing anything . Today is Jeremy 's birthday , so we drove down to their house this afternoon and were soon on our way to Carraba 's in Webster for his birthday dinner . We had a good time with Kim and Jeremy and of course , Tyler and Cameron . They grow up so fast ! Tyler is proud of being as tall or taller than I am and Cameron is right behind him . Cam has slimmed up a lot and can 't really be called Buddah any more . We were out until way after 9 o ' clock tonight and I didn 't turn into a pumpkin ! I couldn 't sleep when I got home - guess all the napping this afternoon worked ! - and it was almost 11 before I turned in . Very late night for me . . . We got up pretty early this morning , around 7AM , to hit the road again today . I got most of the outside stuff stowed away and was ready to go except for the electric cord . I decided to raise the rear hydraulic jacks and when almost finished , I noticed the door side slide moving in . Great ! I thought . Stella has started to slide the rooms in so it won 't be long until we are on our way . Wrong ! She came out the door screaming at me to stop ! She wasn 't ready for the room to come in , so obviously our problems with the hydraulic system have escalated . The jacks were all the way up , so when she was ready , she rolled the rooms in . She said that she had to hold the button on the two hydraulic - powered rooms to get them in , but they came in just the same . I had a similar problem with the landing gear and had to hold the switch in to get them up . When it seemed like we were ready to go , I noticed that the system was still working , even though the controller was off . It would flash on and the pump would engage , so I didn 't want to start out down the road and have one of the rooms slide out or the jacks to deploy . I tried everything , trying to turn the controller back on , etc . but couldn 't get anything to shut it down completely . I sent a text message to Jim B and he agreed to contact Bob Tiedge , creator of the Level Up system . In just a few minutes , my phone rang with Bob on the line . Man , that 's service ! Bob walked me through disconnecting the ground wire to the pump , which stopped the " cycling " of the system . Now we were ready to roll ! I forgot about telling you about Bill 's solution to the stabilizer problem . Neither of us thought that it would fit in the underbelly , but we went down and picked it up and brought it back , and after some moving things around in the storage compartment , it went in ! Thank goodness , that just saved me a 500 mile drive to pick this thing up . I repacked everything and this part is done ! Now back to the actual trip . We made good time through Louisiana and crossed the Texas border around noon . Of course road construction slowed us down as soon as we crossed , but thats okay , we 're back in Texas ! We made our only stop at the Texas welcome center . After a quick walk to the restrooms , we were again on our way . I noticed that Texas did not offer free coffee to guests , as Mississippe and Alabama both do at theirs . Just an observation . I don 't want taxes to go up because of free coffee . We made it to the Ron Hoover Oasis Resort about 3 : 30 and were glad to be here for about three weeks . I think I overwhelmed the girl that wrote up our repair order but she wrote down every word that I said to her . A tech - Ryan - was soon at our site to help with getting the hydraulics to work . I called Bob back and he walked Ryan through getting things back in order . Now the entire system is down and Ryan finally got the front landing gear to come down by using the slide controls ! He got the off - door slide out but had to manually roll the doorside slide out . He didn 't try to get the rear jacks down today and promised to come back tomorrow to work on it some more . We had promised Tyler that we would come over to take him to supper , but we were tired from two hard days of travel , topped off by the leveler problems , so we called and told him that we will put it off until tomorrow . We were glad to be here and able to relax . Now to get the repairs made . Okay , the day we dread has arrived ! I was up and ready to go to work about 7 but we decided to get fuel before hooking up the trailers . Bill , David and I went in search of a Shell station , since I have begun using Shell and have gotten about 2 MPG more . The problem was that we couldn 't find a station that sold diesel fuel near and had to drive about 15 miles to find one . Then , with the limits imposed by the station , I was only able to fill my big tank and put a couple of gallons into the truck tank , but thats okay , I have plenty to get back to Texas . We finally pulled out of the park about 9 : 15 which is not too bad considering what we had to do this morning . We got to Interstate 10 and stopped at a Love 's truck stop for a break . While there , we realized that we had passed a bakery that Ornell wanted to stop at , so we drove back and found it . We all loaded up on sweets to eat , which only made me drowsy on the road . Learned a good lesson here ! We finally made it onto the highway around 10 and made pretty good time to the Mississippi Welcome center for our first stop . We made two more stops , including the last one at Camping World in Hammond LA . While there , I bought a screen door handle but came very close to not buying anything there . One of the service advisors was very rude when I tried to check out . I went up to his desk , and he snarled at me about if I was ready to check out . When I told him yes , he just pointed at the checkstands and said over there . There was no one there , so I had to just stand around for a few minutes while someone came out to check me out . I guess the checkers are trained to ask every customer if they want to renew their Good Sam card . Mine doesn 't expire until the end of August so it really doesn 't need renewing now . Maybe they get a commission on sales . Just leave me alone until July . Or August . We got into Poche 's a little after 5 o ' clock , exhausted . It had been a very long day and everyone was tired out . Ornell fixed some chicken salad and Stella made a cream cheese dip , so we all ate a light supper and sat around , trying to recover from the long days drive . Bill and I drove down to check on my stabilizer jack and all was well with it . I couldn 't see any way to carry the jacks in the truck or the trailer , so I called Jeremy to see if I could use his truck to drive back over here to pick it up and he told me of course I could use it . We returned home and all went in and showered and were in bed by 8 o ' clock . I didn 't sleep well , worrying about the stabilizer and the problem of getting it re - installed and woke about 1AM . I napped a bit in my chair but never did go back to sleep . Tomorrow will be another long day on the road . Today was the last day of the rally , so it was a bittersweet day for us . So many new friends and of course , the old friends that we saw here . We tried to see as many as we could before they left but I 'm sure that some slipped out . We will some of these folks at Gillette but others will have to wait for another time . We went down to the rally hall for a breakfast that was furnished by one of the local churches . They served pancakes with bacon and sausage and it was very good . Best of all , it was FREE ! although we left a donation . Not too many of the rally - goers were there while we were but we appreciate the church for doing this . I didn 't really want to eat too much since we have a big treat this afternoon . We came back home and hung out with friends that are leaving this morning . We got a lot of good visiting time in before turning in for a nap . Gotta have a nap , or should that be NAP ? About 3 : 30 we started to get loaded up to go to Lambert 's for our afternoon meal . We took Mickey and Bonnie and Eric and Dorothy with us for their first visit to a Lambert 's restaurant . By the time we left , everyone was stuffed and ready to get home . It was a good time with our new friends . We came back home and waddled over to Bill 's trailer and sat out for a little while . Another beautiful morning here in Gulf Shores ! There was a fire here last year that wiped out the trees and brush across the road from our site . I was told that someone further down from our area had been using a firepit and one of the embers set the grass on fire near their site . I would have thought that everyone would have known about a fire ban in the very dry conditions . No further comment is necessary . Our new friends , Mickey and Bonnie wanted to come down this morning and talk to us about becoming full timers . We had a very nice visit with and before you know it , the morning was gone and it was time for lunch . We took a break and went to our next meeting with Jim and the other Chapter leaders and Regional Directors . It was a good meeting and we stuck around after to talk about an upcoming change that I can 't talk about yet . Stay tuned . . . We had a delicious barbecue dinner tonight , furnished by a local caterer . The food was good , but since we were near the back of the line , the pickings were a little thin . Not complaining , just telling what happened . We went back home and sat outside for awhile with our friends . The weather has been perfect this week . Good job Hogan ! |
We woke to much cooler temperatures , about 52 degrees , here in Grand Island Nebraska . I went out about 8 to begin getting ready to pull out and in the distance , I can see some ominous clouds and then , as if on cue , thunder . That seemed to set the stage for the morning . Again , as if on cue , the very moment that I sat down in the truck to drive out , the rain began . We managed to avoid the heaviest rainstorm and after traveling for about an hour , we ran out of the rain but for the third time , right on time , as we drove out of the rain , a few hailstones hit the windshield , so we just missed the hail storm . So far , this has been a lucky trip for us . The night after we left Oklahoma , there was a bad storm with heavy rain and hail . Lucky us ! ! The trip today was very nice . We made two long stops , one for fuel and the second for coffee . The fuel stop was made because we have been getting lower fuel mileage because of all the hills and of course , the elevation changes . We still had plenty of fuel in the tanks to make Custer tomorrow , but felt that it would be better to be safe and fill up now , so we did . We found some decent prices too , so that made it even better . I woke to a cool morning , which was a big relief from the heat yesterday afternoon when we arrived . Stella was soon awake and we talked about changing our destination for tonight from a small county park in Grand Island Nebraska to a full hookup park . Stella had found a KOA campground near Grand Island in one of her books but I didn 't find it in anything I had , so we decided to keep looking . We found a new park in Kearney Neb . which is a few miles further down the road from Grand Island and decided to go there today . It puts us a little closer to our next - day stop in Alliance Nebraska and is a full park . We pulled out about 9 o ' clock , or right on time ! The roads were very quiet this morning since the hubbub of the holiday was past and we made good time . Not too long after we left , I saw a white Ford on the side of the road with yellow and red lights flashing . Believing it to be a normal police car with a violator stopped , I changed lanes as required but when I got up to it I saw that it was marked as a State Farm Motorist Assistance vehicle . That 's a new one ! Then later I noticed a sign that said that the Kansas Transportation Authority had teamed up with State Farm to give stranded motorists some assistance . Another thing that I noticed today was that a part of Interstate 35 has been turned into a toll road . Whats up with that ? Weren 't federal funds used to build the interstate highway in the first place ? Why are we now being charged a toll to drive on a road that we 've paid for with tax dollars ? Why are we being double taxed ? Why am I ranting to you - my friends , family and followers ? Why am I becoming a grumpy old man ? We drove and drove through Kansas for what seemed like a day and a half . I had forgotten how boring wheat fields can be . There are only a few truck stops or other places to pull into for a cup of coffee but i did notice that Kansas has " Service Plazas " like the tool roads in Indiana and Ohio . One of them had some good prices on fuel and I started to pull in and fill up but didn 't really need fuel yet so I kept on driving . Stella called ahead to make a reservations at the new park , the Kearney RV Park . The man on the telephone told her that it was a good idea to give a credit card to hold a spot for tonight because they have been filling up every night . You might want to keep that in mind if heading in this direction and needing a place to stay for a night or two . We drove and drove through Kansas for what seemed like days . Does wheat grow anywhere else in the world ? There is almost nothing along the roadside except for an occasional farmhouse or barn but they are set pretty far off the road . There aren 't very many places to stop either so have plenty of fuel when driving through here . When we got to Kearney we saw an enormous arch over the highway . It is the Great Platte River Road Archway that reflects the history of the Great Platte River Road from the Oregon Trail era to modern fiber optics . We didn 't take the time to go to the arch , although it is very near the RV park where we are staying . We were tired and just wanted to get out of the truck for awhile . These seats , while comfortable , get old after a couple of days of driving . When we arrived at the park , there was no one in the office . Since we had made a reservation , we knew we would have a space , so I called the furnished telephone number and spoke with the owner . He was out running errands and told me which space to park in . This is a brand new place , and it shows . Dirt and koleche roads with koleche drives into the sites and little or no grass . Time will improve it . The owner came down after getting his running around done and brought Stella up to the office to take care of checking in . While setting up , a neighbor 's bulldog came over to visit . He was a friendly dog , and was just looking for a friend but our two dogs freaked out , barking and letting us know that there was a strange dog around . There was actually no problem with the dog and Stella said something to the owner . He told her that the dog belongs to one of the workers that is staying in the park and that the dog is normally on a tie - out . He said he would make sure he puts the dog up when he gets off work . I would recommend this park if you are in this area or passing through and needing a place to stay . I cleaned as many bugs as I could off the front of the truck and trailer . There doesn 't seem to be a rule against washing the trailer and the grass appreciated the water . One more travel day and we 'll be at our destination . We can do it ! I got up to cool temperatures this morning with a nice breeze blowing . A great day for moving ! With the porch already down , much of my work was done , so I took the time to go drink coffee with Larry and a few others that came down . We were having such a good time visiting and chatting , it was after 8 before I realized the time and went back home to get to work . Of course , this was the day that Stella was working hard to get the inside things put away and ready to travel , so I got in trouble . . . . again . We were ready to go by 9 or a little after but had decided to stop at the rally hall and get a cup of coffee to go , and most of the others that had stayed were down there , so by the time we said goodbye to everyone , it was about 9 : 45 when we pulled out . Thackerville is on the south side of Oklahoma , in fact at mile marker 1 on I - 35 . The park here in Kansas is at mile marker 4 , also on I - 35 , so we drove all the way across Oklahoma in a little over four hours , arriving here at 2PM . Man , it 's hot here in Kansas . The only other time we 've been in Kansas was several years ago , when we returned to Texas from Colorado through Kansas and down through Oklahoma . The only thing we remembered about Kansas was the wheat fields that seemed to run on forever . It must still be that way here because the man in the office of the park immediately began telling me about the wheat and what a good crop they 're going to have this year . I guess that when that 's all there is in a state , that 's all there is to talk about . This park is really nothing , but I found it on the Passport America website . According to the website , the regular price for a site is $ 50 but being PA members , we got it for half price . I thought , a $ 50 site has got to be pretty good , but to get that much money , they would have to wash my trailer along with the stay . There is nothing here , no trees , no concrete , little grass and of course no pool . There is a good wi - fi that I 'm using now , but it 's a stretch to call this a $ 50 place . It was easy off and easy to get to , so its not all bad . I 'd spend a night here again , but only at the PA rate . There weren 't as many RV 's on the road as I had figured to see . Memorial Day is normally the kick - off of the summer but there wasn 't much traffic on the road . That was probably a blessing when we went through Oklahoma City . We 've breezed through all the big cities so far this trip . I hope to keep it up ! Well , here we are already at the final full day here in Oklahoma at the Okie 's first rally . The rally has gone exceptionally well , probably because of Larry 's background of being in the Good Sam rally group . I like to think it because of his background and training as a Heartland Chapter leader by the Texas Chapter Leader , me ! Just kidding ! Larry and Donna have done a great job in their first rally . There was coffee and leftover donuts and cookies in the rally hall this morning . There wasn 't a lot of planned activity today since several were leaving because of work . Yuck ! I went around and visited with the ones that were packing up and before long , they were on the road back home . I came back home and got caught up on my record keeping and computer work and missed the ladder golf game . Everyone said that it was a good game and I 'm sorry I missed it , but at least now , I 'm all caught up with my " work " . Late in the afternoon , we all decided to go eat some Mexican food at a new restaurant in Gainesville called Serna 's . I was glad to get one more Mexican food dinner before we head north because I know that there will be slim pickins ' for good spicy food for the rest of the summer . Then on the other hand , Stella 's tacos are pretty good . We can buy some avocados for a guacamole salad , fry up some chips , make some salsa . . . . wait a minute , I 'm going to make myself hungry again . You should have seen Larry and some of the others . They discovered that some of the silverware was magnetic and that they could pick up their fork or spoon with their knife . I 'm telling you , it doesn 't take much to amuse us sometimes . After eating , we came back to the park and played a few more games of chickenfoot or other domino games . We had a lot of fun and it certainly got loud in there while we played ! Note to anyone reading this ; if you 're building a game room or rally hall , use some carpet on the floors . Maybe on the walls . It absorbs sounds that echo around the room and make it hard for some older people to hear each other . Just a suggestion . I know that there are probably a lot of builders and designers that read this and I just wanted to let them know . Call this a public service announcement . We went down for coffee and donuts in the rally hall courtesy of the Oklahoma club . We have been having a lot of fun with this group and today was no different . We played a dice game called Chickenfoot that was a lot of fun . We probably played for a couple of hours and went home to eat a bite of lunch and met back at the rally hall for a meeting . I forgot about having our group picture taken in front of Larry 's trailer where he had his Heartland banner put out . . . Oops We had the meeting and after , they gave out door prizes . They did the prizes different than normal , by allowing the winner to choose which prize they take . They had a nice prize for everyone attending , so everybody was happy . We traveled to the Catfish Louie 's restaurant for supper tonight . It was a good restaurant in Gainesville which is very near us here . The food was good but the best thing was the price . With everything included , we only paid about $ 16 for both of us ! We came back here to the park and played a couple of games of LCR , another dice game . Of course , these games are rigged and I didn 't win . It was a lot of fun and when the games were over , we all split up to sit outside and visit . Some will be leaving tomorrow , but we 're staying until Monday . I 'm sure that we 'll have some more fun tomorrow . Today is the anniversary of my first post on my blog . At that time , I was still working as a Police Detective and had not planned to retire when I did . Things have certainly changed since then ! ! ! Who 'd a thought I 'd have 977 posts on this thing ? I 'll say one thing for this Oklahoma group , they throw a good rally . We played a card game called 9 hole golf that was a lot of fun and then last night after supper we played candy bar bingo . The golf game really has nothing in common with golf but it uses 9 cards to play . Without boring you with trying to teach you to play , it was a pretty cool game . The candy bar bingo game is one that we have seen played by children but this variation was an adult version and lots of fun . The winner gets to choose what kind of candy bar they win by matching up playing cards . They had coffee and donuts for breakfast this morning and there was a good turnout . It was very nice to sit around and visit with our friends here . Supper was a potluck but the meat was furnished by the club . There was pulled pork and barbecued brisket and both were very tasty . Of course , the potluck side dishes were great , as usual . When was the last time you had a good meal at a potluck ? Our first full day here began well with a good group ( 7 rigs ) being here already . I walked around and took a few photos and visited with those that were up and about . Larry , the Chapter Leader for Oklahoma , gave me an agenda for the rally , and so I knew that we needed to go to a grocery store for some supplies for the potluck and tomorrow 's hot dog and hamburger dinner . Since we are not from around here , we decided to go to the store early and get that chore out of the way . I went into the office and learned that there are no stores in Thackerville except a convenience store , but there is a Tom Thumb grocery in nearby Gainesville TX that we could go to . We found it with no problem and got our shopping done quickly and were on our way back . The feeder roads were under construction , so we were detoured around , but after driving around for what seemed like a couple of hours , we were on our way back to the park . You know those huge wings that are used on the wind generators to produce electricity ? Yeah , those huge things that we see being pulled on the highway and escorted by cars and trucks with flashing lights . Those things are built right here in Gainesville Texas . Interesting . . . Our supper tonight was hot dogs and hamburgers that were furnished by the club . We all brought side dishes or desserts and again it was a fine time . Everyone had arrived today , so the rally hall was pretty full . Everyone had a great time and we all sat around visiting before going home for the night . Congratulations to Larry and Donna for a very good first rally . We got away about 9 : 30 instead of 8 : 30 but it worked out okay . I was through with my outside work at 8 : 30 , but Stella told me not to touch anything with the repaired hydraulics since that was the first thing to mess up in our problems . I did as she asked , and everything worked perfectly ! No problem , no drama , everything worked exactly like it was supposed to do . We actually made excellent time all day . We breezed through Houston without slowing down , and in fact the first time we were below 60 MPH was when we slowed to take our first rest stop in Huntsville . The state of Texas has improved so many of the rest areas , and all travelers should take advantage of it . The new rest areas also feature free wi - fi hotspots , so if you need to check email or send one , this is a good place to do it . We pulled into the Winstar Casino RV park a little after 4 , and someone forgot to tell Mother Nature that we were coming . It was very hot and the wind was blowing about 40 MPH ! It wasn 't long before we were all set up and ready to rally ! We went over to the casino for a brief visit to get Stella 's gift card enabled . That $ 10 gift card could make us millionaires this weekend if she plays the slots well , so if I don 't continue this blog , you 'll know that we were big winners in the casino and are living the high life . I was up pretty early and getting things done on our last full day here . I had a couple of things that I wanted to take to storage , so I was out the door before 9 this morning . Our parts were supposed to be here today , and I knew that Stella wanted to go wash our dirty clothes and one of us would have to be here when the work is being done , so I wanted to get an early start . I found diesel fuel for about . 15 cheaper than the other stations , so I pulled in and spent what felt like an hour filling both tanks before going to store our stuff . Keep this in mind for later . . . After leaving the storage lot , I decided to stop off at Discount Tire to get a free air check . The nice young man there would not accept any money for topping off the air in all the truck tires and I was quickly on my way . I did learn to twist the decorative center caps on the rear dually wheels . They will fall off in the parking lot if not properly secured . I stopped off at Wal Mart to pick up a couple of last minute items including another wash bucket to keep the truck and trailer clean . My last one blew away during a storm , but they 're only about $ 3 , so I didn 't spend much money . I came on back home and stopped by the office to check on our parts . They were in HALLELUJAH ! ! but Ryan had been sent over to Alvin to install some awning material for a customer . Willy the service manager , told me that he knew we intended to leave tomorrow and he would send Ryan over as soon as he returned . It was probably close to 2 PM before Ryan came by . I had just taken Stella to wash our clothes and had just gotten back when he arrived . He began to work and about 15 - 20 minutes later , he had installed the parts and was ready to check the slide operation . He hit the button and NOTHING ! happened . With a puzzled look , he went back outside and began trying to get things going . Mike dropped by to load his trailer up and take it home for them to take a trip this weekend and he and I tried to think of things to suggest to Ryan , but he figured it out on his own . It had to be a bad slide - out switch , so he left to see if they had a switch in stock . Mike got loaded up and I wanted to watch him negotiate the turn out of the park , so as I walked over the exit gate , I saw Ryan returning with the new switch . HALLELUJAH ! ! again , it worked ! We slid the doorside room in and bumped the offdoor side so we knew it worked . Talk about a last minute fix ! He got through about 3 o ' clock in the afternoon . Now keep in mind that I 'm usually outside when all this sliding rooms in is going on and didn 't think about the furniture that has to be moved and everything picked up off the floor to get the slides in . And of course , the dogs were freaking out when the couch started to move . Long story short , everything is working properly now so all is well with the world . Our world at least . . . We decided to go over and see the boys one more time before we leave . Of course , as soon as we got there , both of them , being eternally hungry , demanded that we take them out to eat before we go . It 's not , we want to spend a little more time with you MeMa and PePaw , it , we 're hungry and you need to feed us ! in fact , Tyler tried to quote me some obscure law that says that grandparents Must take a hungry grandchild out to eat ! I think he 's still trying to find that one in the law book . We ( I ) decided to go eat some oriental food at one of our old favorite buffets . Cameron , being the food critic in the family , said the food wasn 't very good there but we went anyway . I 've got to give Cam his due , he knows his restaurants . The food wasn 't bad , it just wasn 't good . It was stale and tough and wasn 't the same quality of food that we had before . I 'll bet there is something else in this location the next time we come . After a lot of hugs , we were on our way back home to start packing . I decided that , since we have driven about 50 miles since I filled up this morning , I would stop at a station that is near the park and top off the tank . I wanted to start this long trip absolutely full . I told Stella that I knew we were down about 3 , maybe 4 gallons of fuel , so we wouldn 't spend only a couple of bucks at the pump . I said it would look really stupid to go in and only get a tiny amout of fuel with prices what they are now . The pump wouldn 't take my credit card , so Stella went inside and told the clerk that we would only need about $ 12 - $ 15 worth of fuel and she turned the pump on . In only a few seconds , she told Stella I was through and the bill was only 60 cents ! Our auxilliary tank siphons fuel into the truck tank as we drive , and that was all I could get into the truck ! I was too embarrassed to put any into the extra tank , so we left . The truck tank is absolutely full , right up to the filler neck ! Today is our next - to - last day here at the Oasis . I went down to the office first thing in the morning and got the bad news that the parts were not being shipped until today . I had been afraid of that because Ryan had called Bob at Lippert to order the parts and the call had gone to voice mail . He didn 't get the message until too late to get the order out on Friday , so it looks like its going to go right down to the wire on the repairs . Bummer , but as long as they come in tomorrow . We ran a few more errands brought a couple more items over to storage and bought a few groceries for the road and for the potluck dinner in Oklahoma and returned home . We were meeting our friends Harry and Judy for supper at the Monterrey House restaurant in Dickinson . This has always been one of our favorite mexican restaurant and they didn 't disappoint us . The food is good and inexpensive , always a good combination and they have the best salsa and chips , so we enjoyed our time with our good friends . Sadly Harry had a heart attack about 9 months ago and hasn 't been released by is doctor yet to get back out on the road . Get well soon Harry , we miss you and the road is calling ! Today was another relaxing day around here . I didn 't feel too well this morning and decided not to go to Cam 's baseball game . Stella decided to go , so she drove over and went to the ball game , which was another loss , 8 - 0 . She and Kim then went to a short concert by the jazz band that Tyler is a member of . It was a very short performance and she was back home in the early afternoon . We stayed around here for awhile and just as Stella was getting ready to fix us something to eat , Tommy and Susan called and invited us to go eat with them . We had just the place , Bubba 's in San Leon . They said that it sounded good to them , so off we went . When we got over to the area where the restaurant was , we found that something was going on and there were about a million cars parked along the streets making it hard to get around . We never made it to Bubba 's and decided to go to another well - known restaurant in the area , the Topwater Grill . The food was good but not great in my opinion . This restaurant was just about destroyed in the storm but has been rebuilt and is even larger than ever . I was disappointed that we didn 't get to Bubba 's but we 'll go another time . We 're still hoping that our parts will come in tomorrow morning and we can get everything done . This is not a bad park , but we 're ready to get back on the road . We can 't wait for the summer trips that we have planned . If all goes as planned , we 'll be on the road on Wednesday . Today was a bad day around here . No everything in the trailer is okay , but we went to two of Cameron 's baseball games and they got spanked in both of them . They were dominated in most of the first game but made a comeback in the final inning and lost 7 - 6 . ( They must play at least 4 innings , but the games are limited to 1 1 / 2 hours for scheduling ) The second game was a blowout defeat and at the end of 3 innings , they were behind 15 - 1 , but again rallied in the final at - bat and lost it 17 - 5 . Cam was in a bad mood after the game and didn 't even speak to me as we left the field . I had planned for him to come over and swim in the pool here but he was acting up and didn ; t get invited . We came on back home and hung out here . Let me ask you a question . Yesterday I bought a new shredder at Office Depot for Stella to use when she gets rid of our own documents but mainly for shredding her client 's documents . At the same time I bought a new computer game and while checking out , the clerk warned me that if the game was opened , it could not be returned . I asked her if this rule would still apply if the software was defective and she said the rule is , no return if opened , no exceptions . I didn 't know if this was a friendly warning to all customers or somehow she was telling me this software was possibly bad . I hesitated buying but it was a brand of game that I have bought several times in the past , just an updated version . Well , sure enough , I got home and downloaded the new software and now it won 't load . Now comes the real question . We hadn 't unpacked the shredder , so I thought about taking it back to the store and get my money back for that item if they stick to their policy . No problem there and it would make my point , but Stella really does need the new shredder and was glad to get it . Decisions , decisions . . . Since I had heard that my parts are in , I went up to talk to Willy about the status of the work to be done . Let me tell you , these guys around here are among the busiest I 've ever been around , with working on boats , trailers and answering questions from pestering customers like me . I have never had a conversation with Willy without another employee coming in to ask him a question about something that is more important than what I 'm talking to him about . Well , to be honest , its more important to someone , maybe not me . . . Anyway , I have a great deal of respect for the whole service crew here . If I was working here , I 'd probably install an outboard motor on someone 's fifth wheel or something else silly like that . Ryan was soon at our house and began to work on the new slide ram that he had installed . The doorside slide still wouldn 't move , but he finally discovered that it was not really the ram that was a problem but the solenoid that controls it . He switched the wiring on the solenoids and the other slide wouldn 't work so he knows where the problem is . He ordered the parts that are needed and hopefully they will be delivered soon so we can still leave on schedule on Wednesday . While he was here , we checked on the leveling system . Everything works now as advertised . The auto level works again , the rear jacks work properly and the stabilizers are synced in with the rest of the leveling system . I want to reflect for a few moments on some recent events . We have already talked about the Travon Martin killing in Florida , but it seems that it just won 't go away . Yesterday there was news that Zimmerman 's injuries are consistent with his story . Witnesses are now being quoted as seeing the fight and Zimmerman being on the ground , apparently getting the worst of the fight . Okay , is the jury ( the news - reading public ) ready to render their verdict ? How can this man get a fair trial ? We have seen much of the evidence including photos , so why even have a trial ? Another big why is the Roger Clemens charge of lying to congress . The first trial ended in a mistrial and the government , in their quest for justice , tried this man again ! Now their lead witnesses have admitted that they lied , so where is the case ? Why is it that congress can lie to us , their constituents and that is just politics , but a wealthy athlete can lie to them and they are upset . I guess I just don 't understand . I 'm not going to get into Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona and the feds crusade against him . He has been under investigation for just about everything he has done but if you read about what he has accomplished , he should be the Attorney General and not the clown that is in there now . And the other clown that put him there . I can 't wait for January 20 , 2013 - END OF AN ERROR ! Another nice but warm morning here . I found out that the parts are in , so I just waited for Ryan to come down and do the final install . I had gotten a box of old medical records that Stella had been keeping for one of her clients , so she went outside and sat under the awning to shred and I went out so sit with her . Ryan had showed up and was working on replacing the ram on the door side slide . After awhile he asked me to push the slide button but nothing happened . I could hear the hydraulic pump working but the slide didn 't move . Ryan came out scratching his head and after some conversation , he asked me to call Bob at Lippert again for help . I couldn 't get in touch with Bob and left him a message and Ryan went on to other installs . Mike came over and emptied his extra fuel tank into mine . He has made a deal to buy a new truck and didn 't want to let the fuel go with his old truck . Mike also told me that they would take my old Adirondack chairs . Those chairs have been in the family for a long time and they have a large history with us . It gets a few things out of storage and still stays in our " family " . We stayed around while Ryan completed his tasks and later , Stella and I drove over and picked up the chairs and dropped them off at Mike and Patrice 's house . We then rode over to San Leon to find a new restaurant called Bubba 's that Carol had told us about . It wasn 't in the exact location that we had been told but we found it . They advertise that they are " the home of the endless shrimp " so we 'll probably check it out this weekend . I 'll give a review of it when we go . I was up and dressed early this morning because Mike had told me that there was a couple that wanted to look at trailers here at Ron Hoover RV . They also wanted to meet the Heartland Ambassador , so I got up and dressed and wore one of my Heartland shirts to meet these folks and of course , they didn 't show up . Mike and I just sat in the kitchen and drank some coffee while waiting , and let me tell you , the coffee down there was terrible ! It was probably the first coffee made this morning and was burned but its not the worst that I 've ever had . A little later I decided to go get a tool pouch and some more tools from Lowe 's . I had some items to return for a credit and that gift certificate from Caddo Lake NWR so now I had some MONEY to spend ! It took me a long time to make up my mind because that store is so big and I didn 't have Stella along to slow me down - or speed me up to get out of the men 's toy store ! Where did all the cool mornings and evenings go ? It was hot today . The humidity levels are pretty low but there is so much moisture in the ground from the heavy rains over the weekend that it is still steamy out here in this swamp where the RV park is located . Can 't wait to get moving north ! We began today with another nice morning with cool temperatures . It won 't be long until these cool mornings are just a memory . Rain had been forecast and it stayed cloudy most of the day and was a pleasant day to work outside . Ryan and a helper came over and installed the rear stabilizer and the solenoid that was bad but one of the boxes from Lippert got lost in transit , so we 're waiting on that to arrive . Things are really starting to shape up ! While it was cool and cloudy I finished up waxing the front and door side of the trailer . I am glad to have gotten that chore out of the way and the trailer looks great . I think Cameron has some ball games this weekend , so we 'll go to see him play and I won 't get anything done around here , but I 'll be busy with last minute chores before we leave on Wednesday . Mike and Patrice came over for awhile this evening and we had a nice visit with them . Mike was driving a new Ford truck that he is thinking about buying that better matches his new full body paint Landmark . Its very pretty and I wish him well with it . I don 't want another larger truck payment . I hope this truck lasts us a long time . I began the morning by going up to the service desk to check on the parts that we are expecting . They must have been very busy up there because I stood around for about 10 minutes before my technician , Ryan , came out . He told me that they expect the parts from Lippert either today or tomorrow and the new toilet and water pump have come in . He said he would be down later to install these two items . Sounds good ! I returned home and decided to go over to the storage lot where we 've got lots and lots of stuff that we decided to keep when we sold the house . There is a huge assortment of stuff there , from RV and truck supplies to household furniture . I moved it around and made it easier to walk around in there and removed some things that needed to be thrown out . A very few items were brought back to the trailer and before I knew it , I had been there for a couple of hours . I decided to make a list of items I would like to sell and put them on Craigs list . I returned home and after a short cool - down period , I had made up my ad for Craigs list and put the items up for sale . Ryan and another tech came down and installed the new toilet and water pump , so we were back in business soon . It took them less than 30 minutes to get the jobs done and all I had to do was unload the underbelly storage on one side of the trailer . Man , it got hot in a hurry ! I went back inside for awhile to cool off again but later in the evening , when the sun started to go down , I went out and started waxing the front and doorside of the trailer . I wanted a good coat of wax on the front for our summer trip so the bugs won 't stick quite as bad . We leave next week if all goes well with the trailer repairs . That trailer is HUGE when you 're waxing it ! I was tired from all the other work I had done today , so I didn 't get the side completed but it was enough for today . I came back inside and sat in my chair watching television until time for a shower and bed . It had been an exhausting but productive day . So long . Today is the day for everyone to honor their mother and grandmoth r . I would love to be able to do that , but all of my mothers , both my mother and mother - in - law as well as my grandmothers on both sides are all go e . My mother only lived to be 43 years old and died of canc r . She was a life - long smoker and that terrible disease took her li e . We had a pretty laid back morning around he e . It was nice outside , so we went outside and drank our coffee outsi e . It was a great way to start the d Jeremy invited us to come over to eat barbecued ribs that he was fixing , so we went over there about 2 and hung out all afternoon with them . We didn 't spend much time with the boys because they were glued to their X - Box and other games . I think they like it when we 're in the house but they 're too busy with their own interests . How quickly they grow up ! It rained and stormed all night , and I got up about 3AM when a loud clap of thunder woke me . I stayed up and began reading about the storms that were coming through . There were places near Houston that got over 8 " of rain over night ! It didn 't rain that much here , but there was lots of water around the campground . We stayed inside for most of the morning but I did go out and polish up the front end of the truck . I have been working on the trailer off and on for the past few days , so today I decided to clean up the truck . I want both of them cleaned and waxed before we leave , but may not make it . Its hard to get it all done and still visit with friends and family that are down here . My brother Phil called and invited us over to his house to eat tonight . We went over early to spend some time with him and his wife Carol , and luckily for us , his daughter Lindsay and her two sons AJ and Will were there . Her husband Mark stopped by to pick them up and we had a nice visit with them before they left . Phil fixed us chicken quesadillas and fish tacos which were both very good . We had not had fish tacos before tonight , and they were very good . We enjoyed our time with Phil and Carol and Phil and I went to pick up their son Matthew at work . He was rather surprised when I blew my train horn to attract his attention , but everyone had some fun with it . Phil asked me to blow it again as we left , so we woke up his neighbors - not really , because it was only about 8PM . I did see one of his neighbors come out to see where the train was . I hope Phil doesn 't get in trouble with the neighbors or his HOA . We began our day with a light breakfast and took off pretty early for the AT & T store to get my new I - Phone 3GS phone . I had been told that I already had a 3GS phone but it turned out that it was only the 3G model which didn 't have some features that I wanted and needed . Apple is fazing out all of the 3G phones but for now they are still supporting the 3GS model , so I should be okay for awhile . When it comes to electronics , who knows any more ? With that done , we headed over to Alvin to meet Kristene , who had worked for me in Manvel as Fire Marshal , for lunch . We met her at one of Stella 's favorite restaurants , Kelly 's . Kristene has been on a serious diet and looks great ! It was really good to see our old friend and we had a great lunch to boot , so it was a good time for two reasons . We had some business to get done at the Ron Hoover store in Katy , so we drove up there and were soon on our way back south . Tommy and Susan called and wanted to come down to see us and to go out to eat tonight , so we hurried on back to take care of the doggies and to be ready to meet our friends . This was the first time that they have seen our new trailer , so although it is dirty , they liked it . It 's a big improvement over the Bighorn and they noticed . We decided to go to Galveston for supper . We decided on Benno 's Restaurant on the seawall . The food was very good , a cross between a fast food restaurant - you order your meal at the counter - with some great choices of food . When we finished eating , we drove around for a bit and I pointed out two of the houses that I lived in when I lived on the island . It was a trip back in time for me and we saw some very beautiful old houses in some of the neighborhoods . We had a nice time with our friends . We returned to the Oasis and sat outside for awhile before they had to return home . I have been talking to Tommy , who is a retired professional photographer , about one of those small video cameras . He has a Flip camcorder that he recommends and in fact , he let me use his . I 'll take a few videos and see if I like it before I buy one for myself . you might even see a video soon that I took . Please check back . It was cloudy and cool this morning . Apparently a cool front that came through a few days ago is working . Whatever it is , I like it ! It won 't be long until people down here will be crying for a temperature like we had . Of course , we 'll be in Wyoming or Colorado . Just HAD to rub it in . . . I took care of some chores around the trailer this morning while it was still cool and cloudy . I dumped the tanks and while doing so , I used some spray - on wax that I had bought to wax the back side and end cap of the trailer . These were the sides that were shaded , even though it was cloudy . I used the wax application as a timer for rinsing the black tank . I would wax an area about both of my arms length wide and come back and wipe it off and open the black tank valve . I got a a good rinse on the black tank and a nice wax job on the trailer . Time will tell how good of a wax job I got . I did a little research about a new I Phone for me . I found a 3G - S online for a new price of 99 cents or a refurb for a penny . I decided on the new phone but they wouldn 't ship to a PO box or to an address other than the registered address . I then noticed that some company stores carry these models in stock , so I got on the phone and found one at the store on FM 646 , about 8 miles away . We were soon in the store , ready to get the new phone but it was packed ! We waited about ten or fifteen minutes but were not able to wait much longer because we needed to go pick up Tyler to go to his band concert tonight . We 'll go back tomorrow to get the new phone . Tyler 's band concert was great ! Tyler was recognized for his results in a competition recently and participated in three different bands , the Mariachi , Jazz and the marching band . He played the guitarron ( the large guitar used in mariachi bands ) , and the baritone saxophone in the jazz and marching bands . A very talented young man ! While waiting for the band concert to begin , Stella and I grabbed something to eat at an Alfie 's Fish and Chips restaurant that is near the high school . I have seen this place for years and had never tried it . The food was good , with a good flavor to the fish . It 's not a gourmet restaurant but its not bad . Another late night for us . We didn 't get home until about 9 : 30 and could hear the thunder coming . Rain has been forecast for tonight and tomorrow and the dogs freak out when it thunders , so they were glad to see us . They need some more rain down here and I hope they don 't have another drought summer like last year . I 'll keep track from the mountains . So long . We 've been sleeping later and later for some reason . I can 't explain it , but we 've been sleeping until 8 o ' clock or later for the past two or three days . There is no reason for us to get up early except when we are traveling , which will begin again in another week or so . Actually it is exactly two weeks until we are scheduled to leave here for our summer trip , but who 's counting ? Stella decided to take our laundry over to Kim 's house to wash up so that she and Kim could spend some time together and to save us a couple of bucks . The money didn 't mean nearly as much as the Mother / Daughter time . I didn 't know that it would take ALL DAY LONG ! ! I took her over about 11 and came on back home and piddled around here for the rest of the day . I talked to Ryan and he didn 't plan to do anything else to the trailer today , so I had the day off ! What a concept . . . ! I went back over to pick Stella up about 6 but she and Kim had gone to get their nails done . When they returned , I learned that she still had one load to wash and dry and one more load to dry only . We finally left for home about 9 : 15 . Like I said , it shouldn 't have taken all day . At least we will only have to wash once more before we leave . Since this park is primarily an RV / boat dealer , there is no provision for a laundry facility , so we 'll find one that is nearby . I am amazed at how much the City of LaMarque has changed in the years since I lived and worked here . We lived here when Melissa was born and I worked for the Gibson Discount store and then began my career as a Police Officer officially with the LaMarque Police Dept . The old Gibson store is now an industrial cable company and the PD has moved around the corner from the old location into an old bank building . Of course , all the people that worked there are gone now , either having retired or moved on . My - my , how time flies . So long . I went over to the service office this morning to check on the progress of the parts that are needed . I also needed to find out when Ryan was planning to come over today because we had planned to go over to Kim 's house to do laundry and to give her and Stella a chance to visit . I learned that the technician from Frigidaire was coming over this afternoon and that Ryan was on his way over . Ryan soon came over and removed and repaired the toilet that had begun to leak . He had to remove it to find the gasket that was kinked and replaced it with a new one and reinstalled it . The tech from Frigidaire soon showed up and made an adjustment to the micro / convection oven and so , for today , everything is done ! It was early enough in the afternoon that we still had time to run some errands . I wanted to have my I - Phone checked because it wouldn 't take any updates . We went to the Apple store at Baybrook mall and learned that my phone is up to date but a new 4G phone is recommended . The clerk said that the 3G phones like mine will soon be obsolete and tried really hard to sell me on the idea of a new phone , but I 'm not buying it . I don 't feel the need to buy a new phone every time a new one comes out with some new cool features , so I think I 'll just keep this one . We decided to eat a bite at the Cafe Adobe just outside Baybrook mall . Cafe Adobe had always been one of our favorite restaurants and it was still good here . I can 't tell you the last time we 've been at one but it was everything we remembered . We heard thunder and knew that thunderstorms had been predicted for today , so we hurried out of the restaurant and decided to go back home instead of going to the grocery store . The rain soon started and was pouring down when we passed the HEB store , but we went back home until it had stopped . After a couple of hours , the rain had stopped and we went on back to the store . With all our day 's chores done , we returned home . We were both still full of the mexican food we had earlier , so we didn 't have supper tonight . We like to do this sometimes , and I think we feel better . So long . We woke to another warm morning here in the swamps of LaMarque . Luckily while we have been here it has been pretty breezy and kept the mosquitoes at bay , or at least not biting us . We stayed here several years ago and the skeeters were so bad , they had put up landing lights for them to land . I took the truck to the Dodge dealer to get an oil change and to have the brakes checked . With that done , I went and put some fuel in the big tank , all in preparation for us leaving on time . Right now , I don 't know whether that will happen . No parts have been ordered for the hydraulics yet and I don 't know what kind of shipping times there are between Elkhart Indiana and here . I came back here and cleaned up the outside of the trailer . There have been some birds that roost on the ladder of the trailer and we all know what comes out of the bottom side of a bird . Well , it was caked on the rungs of the ladder and all over the fiberglass . I had gotten it cleaned up and was all nice looking when a big ' ol cloud came up and dropped some rain on us . We need the rain , and since I had just gotten finished with cleaning , there was no issue but I certainly timed it right ! Ryan came over and worked on the awning that had pulled out of the track . I helped him a little bit and together we got it done . I guess if he stays up on the little things that need repair , whenever the parts come in for the Level Up , he 'll be all ready to go . We were up and showered and had breakfast in plenty of time . We found the field without any problem and went to watch the end of the game being played while Cam and his teammates warmed up . The game started promptly at 11 but we were soon down by 4 points . The boys battled back and went ahead but in the last inning , we got behind and couldn 't pull it out . Bummer ! It was a single elimination game , so the tournament was over for the Bengals . The boy 's cousin Jensine had come to the game and brought another friend of hers named Lindsay . The two girls had spent a lot of time with Tyler while at the ball game , and when I suggested that the boys come over to swim this afternoon . They said they would , and asked if Jensine and Lindsay could come too . I told them that they could all come . They all went home for awhile but about 4 , Kim brought the boys back . They said the girls might come but they never showed up . The boys and I went to the pool but there was a large birthday party going on and they didn 't want to crash the party . They came back to our house and hung out for awhile , hoping the party would break up but it didn 't . They went home about 6 : 30 and said that we would try it again next week . We stayed inside and watched " The Blind Side " on television . If you haven 't seen it , it 's a great " feel good " movie . We both read the book and now saw the movie and they are excellent . I plan to spend a lot of time reading my Kindle when we get to Colorado this summer . I am looking forward to sitting outside A LOT this summer when it 's nice and cool but of course I 'll be thinking about all of my friends and family back here in Texas . Enjoy the heat and humidity ! Today was scheduled to be a very busy day due to Tyler and Cameron and all their activities . We went to watch Tyler 's marching band perform for the Cinco de Mayo parade at 10 o ' clock and then for his mariachi band performance at 11 : 30 . Whew ! I was rather surprised to see the intro for the mariachi band performance . I fully expected to see some very " pro Mexico " activities but the singing of the national anthem and pledge of allegiance both went very well . A Hispanic man in front of me did not remove his cap during the anthem but then when they played the Mexican national anthem he didn 't remove it then either . Maybe he was trying to keep from being sunburned ? Cameron had a ensemble performance but somehow the instructions got jumbled and we all missed it . We heard later that he did great , but time will tell when the results are released . Cam 's baseball game this afternoon was at 6 , or so we were told . We came home to fix something to eat and rest up for the games . Stella was just finishing up our meal about 4 when Cameron called to tell us his game time had been changed to 5 o ' clock . You know , when we 're there watching the game , it seems like each inning takes 20 minutes , but since we were late in being told of the game time , we were about ten minutes late to the game and they had already played the 1st inning . Cam 's team - the Houston Bengals - lost the first game but won the second . Cam didn 't pitch in the first game but was sent in as a reliever in the second game and only played one inning . He struck out two batters and made the third out when the batter hit a ground ball back to the pitcher which was an easy toss the the first baseman . He later told me that his coach was holding him out for the Sunday game ( s ) because he is a good pitcher . Tyler had not come to the games because he was still hanging out with his band friends . I called to talk to him and he decided he wanted to come home with us to spend the night . I knew that Cam had to have his baseball uniform washed , so he would have to go home and might not want to come over , so we went to pick Tyler up and were on our way home when Cameron called and asked if we would come back over and pick him up . We did , so both boys spent the night with MeMa and PePa but were ready for bed as soon as they got here . It had been a long day for all of us . I spoke with my friend Ken , who owns RV - EZ Step , to tell him of a problem I have with some of the " feet " on my porch / steps . He told me to bring it over to his shop in Manvel this morning and he would look at it . When the powder coating had been applied , they apparently left the threads of the bolt on the feet exposed , making them freeze in place . Ken used a huge pipe wrench to get the bolts loose and after removing them , he used his wire wheel to clean them up . He then applied a new copper lubricant , so now they better than new ! On my way out , I noticed that Chief Garcia 's vehicle was at the Manvel PD , so I decided to stop in to see my old boss and friend . I noticed his vehicle because it is the one that I had bought for my use when I worked at the Police Dept . It was good to catch up with things in Manvel , but even though he mentioned me coming back from retirement , I am not interested in going back . On my way back home , I decided to stop by our old house to see if I could search around the back yard to find the plaque that I got for Ralphie , my dog that passed away about five years ago . It would have meant a lot to me if I could find it . I talked to the owner , a hispanic man who was very nice and allowed me to check in the yard where I had buried him but could not locate it . Someone had removed all the lily plants that were back there and the ground was hard as a rock and nothing was seen on top of the ground . I dug around , trying to find a piece of the ceramic monument but couldn 't find anything . It was heartbreaking for me but then I didn 't really expect to find it . We hung out for the afternoon but got a call from Mike and Patrice inviting us to meet them at Gringos restaurant to celebrate Patrice 's birthday . The restaurant was crowded and very loud tonight , so after a good meal with great friends , we came on back here and sat outside until the skeeters started to bite . Mike had brought their trailer out here yesterday but they didn 't spend the night here but said they will be back to stay tomorrow . Today was another slow day for us . We ran errands and Stella got her hair cut . Ryan seems to be making progress on our work and all four jacks are down and steadying the trailer . There are parts ordered , so as soon as they come in , we will be back in business . So long . Today was a very laid - back day for us . We were expecting Ryan , the technician from Ron Hoover to come by and give us an update on the service work but he didn 't show up . I later walked up to the office and had a chat with Willie the service manager . I offered my help in getting things set up and expedited but Willie told me to hold off before doing anything . Today is Jeremy 's birthday , so we drove down to their house this afternoon and were soon on our way to Carraba 's in Webster for his birthday dinner . We had a good time with Kim and Jeremy and of course , Tyler and Cameron . They grow up so fast ! Tyler is proud of being as tall or taller than I am and Cameron is right behind him . Cam has slimmed up a lot and can 't really be called Buddah any more . We were out until way after 9 o ' clock tonight and I didn 't turn into a pumpkin ! I couldn 't sleep when I got home - guess all the napping this afternoon worked ! - and it was almost 11 before I turned in . Very late night for me . . . We got up pretty early this morning , around 7AM , to hit the road again today . I got most of the outside stuff stowed away and was ready to go except for the electric cord . I decided to raise the rear hydraulic jacks and when almost finished , I noticed the door side slide moving in . Great ! I thought . Stella has started to slide the rooms in so it won 't be long until we are on our way . Wrong ! She came out the door screaming at me to stop ! She wasn 't ready for the room to come in , so obviously our problems with the hydraulic system have escalated . The jacks were all the way up , so when she was ready , she rolled the rooms in . She said that she had to hold the button on the two hydraulic - powered rooms to get them in , but they came in just the same . I had a similar problem with the landing gear and had to hold the switch in to get them up . When it seemed like we were ready to go , I noticed that the system was still working , even though the controller was off . It would flash on and the pump would engage , so I didn 't want to start out down the road and have one of the rooms slide out or the jacks to deploy . I tried everything , trying to turn the controller back on , etc . but couldn 't get anything to shut it down completely . I sent a text message to Jim B and he agreed to contact Bob Tiedge , creator of the Level Up system . In just a few minutes , my phone rang with Bob on the line . Man , that 's service ! Bob walked me through disconnecting the ground wire to the pump , which stopped the " cycling " of the system . Now we were ready to roll ! I forgot about telling you about Bill 's solution to the stabilizer problem . Neither of us thought that it would fit in the underbelly , but we went down and picked it up and brought it back , and after some moving things around in the storage compartment , it went in ! Thank goodness , that just saved me a 500 mile drive to pick this thing up . I repacked everything and this part is done ! Now back to the actual trip . We made good time through Louisiana and crossed the Texas border around noon . Of course road construction slowed us down as soon as we crossed , but thats okay , we 're back in Texas ! We made our only stop at the Texas welcome center . After a quick walk to the restrooms , we were again on our way . I noticed that Texas did not offer free coffee to guests , as Mississippe and Alabama both do at theirs . Just an observation . I don 't want taxes to go up because of free coffee . We made it to the Ron Hoover Oasis Resort about 3 : 30 and were glad to be here for about three weeks . I think I overwhelmed the girl that wrote up our repair order but she wrote down every word that I said to her . A tech - Ryan - was soon at our site to help with getting the hydraulics to work . I called Bob back and he walked Ryan through getting things back in order . Now the entire system is down and Ryan finally got the front landing gear to come down by using the slide controls ! He got the off - door slide out but had to manually roll the doorside slide out . He didn 't try to get the rear jacks down today and promised to come back tomorrow to work on it some more . We had promised Tyler that we would come over to take him to supper , but we were tired from two hard days of travel , topped off by the leveler problems , so we called and told him that we will put it off until tomorrow . We were glad to be here and able to relax . Now to get the repairs made . Okay , the day we dread has arrived ! I was up and ready to go to work about 7 but we decided to get fuel before hooking up the trailers . Bill , David and I went in search of a Shell station , since I have begun using Shell and have gotten about 2 MPG more . The problem was that we couldn 't find a station that sold diesel fuel near and had to drive about 15 miles to find one . Then , with the limits imposed by the station , I was only able to fill my big tank and put a couple of gallons into the truck tank , but thats okay , I have plenty to get back to Texas . We finally pulled out of the park about 9 : 15 which is not too bad considering what we had to do this morning . We got to Interstate 10 and stopped at a Love 's truck stop for a break . While there , we realized that we had passed a bakery that Ornell wanted to stop at , so we drove back and found it . We all loaded up on sweets to eat , which only made me drowsy on the road . Learned a good lesson here ! We finally made it onto the highway around 10 and made pretty good time to the Mississippi Welcome center for our first stop . We made two more stops , including the last one at Camping World in Hammond LA . While there , I bought a screen door handle but came very close to not buying anything there . One of the service advisors was very rude when I tried to check out . I went up to his desk , and he snarled at me about if I was ready to check out . When I told him yes , he just pointed at the checkstands and said over there . There was no one there , so I had to just stand around for a few minutes while someone came out to check me out . I guess the checkers are trained to ask every customer if they want to renew their Good Sam card . Mine doesn 't expire until the end of August so it really doesn 't need renewing now . Maybe they get a commission on sales . Just leave me alone until July . Or August . We got into Poche 's a little after 5 o ' clock , exhausted . It had been a very long day and everyone was tired out . Ornell fixed some chicken salad and Stella made a cream cheese dip , so we all ate a light supper and sat around , trying to recover from the long days drive . Bill and I drove down to check on my stabilizer jack and all was well with it . I couldn 't see any way to carry the jacks in the truck or the trailer , so I called Jeremy to see if I could use his truck to drive back over here to pick it up and he told me of course I could use it . We returned home and all went in and showered and were in bed by 8 o ' clock . I didn 't sleep well , worrying about the stabilizer and the problem of getting it re - installed and woke about 1AM . I napped a bit in my chair but never did go back to sleep . Tomorrow will be another long day on the road . Today was the last day of the rally , so it was a bittersweet day for us . So many new friends and of course , the old friends that we saw here . We tried to see as many as we could before they left but I 'm sure that some slipped out . We will some of these folks at Gillette but others will have to wait for another time . We went down to the rally hall for a breakfast that was furnished by one of the local churches . They served pancakes with bacon and sausage and it was very good . Best of all , it was FREE ! although we left a donation . Not too many of the rally - goers were there while we were but we appreciate the church for doing this . I didn 't really want to eat too much since we have a big treat this afternoon . We came back home and hung out with friends that are leaving this morning . We got a lot of good visiting time in before turning in for a nap . Gotta have a nap , or should that be NAP ? About 3 : 30 we started to get loaded up to go to Lambert 's for our afternoon meal . We took Mickey and Bonnie and Eric and Dorothy with us for their first visit to a Lambert 's restaurant . By the time we left , everyone was stuffed and ready to get home . It was a good time with our new friends . We came back home and waddled over to Bill 's trailer and sat out for a little while . Another beautiful morning here in Gulf Shores ! There was a fire here last year that wiped out the trees and brush across the road from our site . I was told that someone further down from our area had been using a firepit and one of the embers set the grass on fire near their site . I would have thought that everyone would have known about a fire ban in the very dry conditions . No further comment is necessary . Our new friends , Mickey and Bonnie wanted to come down this morning and talk to us about becoming full timers . We had a very nice visit with and before you know it , the morning was gone and it was time for lunch . We took a break and went to our next meeting with Jim and the other Chapter leaders and Regional Directors . It was a good meeting and we stuck around after to talk about an upcoming change that I can 't talk about yet . Stay tuned . . . We had a delicious barbecue dinner tonight , furnished by a local caterer . The food was good , but since we were near the back of the line , the pickings were a little thin . Not complaining , just telling what happened . We went back home and sat outside for awhile with our friends . The weather has been perfect this week . Good job Hogan ! |
Kelvin was fitted for his " ankle bracelet " within two days upon arriving at the little house at 1004 s 20thst . He could venture as far as 100 ft from the house so he was able to mow the yard and was granted permission to look for work . He found a job at the plant in Gower working with cement . I turned in all the wages between the two of us to Social Services and they said I would not be able to continue with the Food Stamp program . By the end of July when things were settling and the bills were being paid I got a letter from the landlord that he had sold the house and I had to be out by the end of the month . Kelvin told me things would be fine as we started looking for houses in the paper . One Saturday when we were both off from work we did a double take and circled around to check out a house available for rent on Penn St . It had a nice rectangle shaped living room , carpeting , large kitchen , big bedroom and a small bedroom for Dakota . On the East side of the kitchen there was a small laundry room and a door leading to a large back yard and patio . The rent was 3 times what I was paying with housing . I stressed and stressed about the expense but Kelvin assured me with the extra money he was making and my salary we would be fine . He was paid every two weeks but the opposite weeks that I was being paid so we had two weeks of pay coming in every week . We told the landlord we would take it and asked how soon we could move in . He said as soon as we wanted . We had to pay the first and last month 's rent , half the deposit and sign a lease . We started moving as soon as we got back home . I was so excited ; it was such a nice little house ! The walls in the kitchen were tongue and groove wood paneling and the counter went all the way around . I needed counter space so badly . All the rooms were carpeted including the small laundry room . The walls were white except for a couple of walls in the kitchen that had green leaf wallpaper in place of the paneling . The yard was magnificent . It was huge but no fencing which Kelvin remediPosted by After all the trips to Jefferson City and Tipton on Sundays , no matter the weather , Kelvin was scheduled to come home on Sunday , the 4th of March , 2004 . Dakota and I made our last trip to Tipton to pick up his daddy . He had longed for his father to come home and Kelvin had vowed to be a changed man . Every Sunday when we were not down there he would call home to see how we were doing . He sent tapes of stories for Dakota to listen to on the tape player , even if he couldn 't be there to read to him this was his way to be able to read and bond with his son he had lost so much time with . Dakota was 9 ½ years old then . I had taken him to ball games and watched him play since he was 7 . He had been in Boy Scouts for a year but there were just too many things that he needed a father for and I couldn 't continue taking him or help him with making a race car etc … We got up early , about 4 AM that Sunday morning . I stopped at Speedy 's on Riverside road before leaving St Joe and heading East on 36 highway , to Chillicothe , then South on 65 to Sedalia then eventually Tipton . I liked the trip and the drive . I had my plastic bag of quarters for the vending machine , some pop to drink and a full tank of gas after leaving Speedy 's . It was a long drive . By going that direction instead of South through Kansas City I avoided traffic and the countryside was comforting . He pointed at the cows and a few horse and buggies that we met along the way as the Mennonites lived throughout the area . We traveled South past Marshall and other small towns , under the bridge and the South 435 traffic I had bypassed . The next town was Sedalia , home of the Missouri State Fair every year in August . Highway 65 had many crooks and turns , the traffic started to thicken now and the lanes spread out into four lanes of traffic . I stopped at a gas station at the intersection where I needed to turn East on 50 to go to Tipton to fill up the gas tank for the long drive back with Kelvin . Another 30 miles and we had arrived . Every time I had to remember the lePosted by After work every day I would go to Jennifer 's house and open the gate to the pool . Eric and Jennifer and Dan , Eric 's biological father , had built a fence around the pool with four to five feet high of wooden board fencing . I had a Rubber Maid chest full of the pool supplies I needed to keep the pool running as well as chemicals to keep it clean . I had bought a vacuum and various other items . I liked to stand there and watch the water whoosh out of the out take and into the pool , sweeping any debris that floated to the top . The humming of the pump was soothing and the sound of the rushing , swirling water was comforting . When I had back washed and was tired of sweeping the bugs and any leaves that still lingered on the surface I closed the gate and headed back home . In January of that year I was told that I had lost my job at Aegis Communications Group and was receiving unemployment checks every week . The amount of the checks were more or equal to my regular pay check and I enjoyed my time off . I searched for but didn 't find another Job until July . Jennifer had applied to USA 800 , a local call center , and was assured I would be able to get on there too since it was the same type of business I had been doing for the last 3 ½ years at Aegis . Callers would call the center for ads they had seen or heard on the radio and television as well as newspapers and we would screen them , taking the information and passing it on to the company they had originally called , which were our clients . I barely passed the typing course but was good enough to get hired . I had just applied for an extension with unemployment for another 3 months and due to school starting in September opted to wait and apply again in October . On October 17th I reapplied and was hired . The building consisted of an aged old apartment building downtown on the fifth floor . There was an old elevator that quit working off and on . Breaks were only 10 minutes long , it took 3 minutes for the elevator to rise to the fifth floor leaving 7 minutes for a cigarettePosted by In the spring of 2002 I sold enough long distance service to choose from the various prizes they had for 1st , 2nd , and 3rd place ECT . . . I asked Jennifer which prize I should ask for and she said the 18 ft above ground pool with all accessories including an inflatable shark , beach ball and assorted beach towels . She said we could set it up in her back yard as she owned her own property while I was renting . I was working one day when Sonya , the head of the communications group in the St Joseph area sat down beside and listened in on the call . She said she thought it was very good . I asked her about the prizes and when they would be given out . I told her I knew I had sold more long distance service than anyone at that time and I wanted the pool . She said she would consult with my supervisor , she told them to release the pool to me and that I could take it home that day . On my lunch break I called Jennifer and she had her husband , Eric , and his father , Dan , come by in the van and try to load it that day after work . The pools , the ladder , liner , were packed in a large box but the shark , beach ball and towels were loose and the shark was huge and inflated ! We had a time trying to deflate it . It refused to go down easy . After awhile it bent enough to fit it in the back with the kids . We dropped off the towels and shark at my house then took the big box over to Jennifer 's . We opened the box and took out the instructions . There were so many instructions and parts , rims , walls and the liner . Dan and Eric couldn 't rap their minds around the work that was involved . First they needed to dig out a level area ; Jenny had told them where she wanted it , in the big back yard below the fenced small yard . This was the most level ground ; they got the measuring tape and the shovels , the rake , and a level for exact precision . This took several weekends , and then came the sand and the leveling process began again . By the first of July , 2 months after I had notified them the pool was up and ready to fill . The pump and filter was made in oPosted by In 2002 I had won the trip to Las Vegas by selling more long distance than anyone else . Jennifer and I went to East Hills Mall to the travel agency to pick up our tickets . We were flying Southwest Airlines and picked out a motel with the least expense . I had won 500 . 00 and Jennifer helped with the expense for the rest . The 500 . 00 paid for the air fare and the motel . I notified Aegis Communications Group that the time best for the both of us would be Friday the 11th of September . I arranged to have that day , the weekend , and the following Monday off , the day after we got back from the trip . We arrived late Friday night with the time change and checked into our motel room . It had two twin beds , a small bathroom and a phone . There was a huge window but nothing to see but other motel rooms and the parking lot which we took a shuttle bus to and from the main hotel and the motel room . We called the guys back home to let them know we had arrived and were unpacking . I turned the TV on and watched the news and weather . It was going to be hot , hot , and hot in the 100 's . I noticed there was a pool but hadn 't brought a bathing suit since the travel agency had said she didn 't think there would be a pool . We did a lot of walking to and from the main hotel and played a few slot machines . We went to bed early on Friday thinking we would get a good night 's sleep then start walking the strip on Saturday . We walked and walked from one hotel to the other . We hit all the big hotels ; MGM was way down the southern end of the strip . It cost 2 . 00 every time we took a bus but sometimes if it was the same bus we took down the strip the bus driver would take us back without charging us . It was starting to get expensive so we decided to walk most of the time . Jennifer started getting blisters on her feet so we exchanged shoes . My feet didn 't hurt but my legs and my back was aching I could hardly stand . One hotel we went into I won 15 . 00 and put that money back into the machine but Jennifer who was sitting right beside me won 90 . 00 ! We Posted by I had filled out an application at Housing Authority and was waiting in line for that to be approved . By the end of September I had received my approval in the mail . All I had to do now was find a house that they would approve of and a landlord that would accept . A two bedroom house for Dakota and me the limit was 425 . 00 for the rent . Anything over that would not be approved by housing . I looked in the paper every day with the help of my daughter . I saved my money so that when I did find a place I would have the first and last month 's rent and a deposit . When I got home from work one day she notified me that she had found a house on south 20th street . It took us a while to find the house . The landlord was sitting in the kitchen with a pile of applications to go through . His son was outside painting the house white . It was a quaint old one story with a full basement , a front porch , a deck attached in back overlooking a wide spreading back yard . There was a hedge row surrounding the north side of the back yard and a short hedge in the front separating the street from the small front yard leading to the front porch . I remembered the front porch swing Kelvin had bought me for my birthday one year that Jennifer had at her house . I thought about flowers and where I would plant them . This house would be mine , all mine . I filled out the paper work and talked to the man sitting in a chair in the large kitchen . I told him it would be just Dakota and I living there and how housing worked . In a few days Jennifer told me that he had called and the house was mine if I still wanted it . I couldn 't believe with all the applicants , with housing stipulating their rules that I had been chosen . Now all I needed was to pay the storage bill and get my stuff back home where it belonged . There was a stove already there , a gas stove , I had an electric counter top stove that I wanted to use but he said he wasn 't doing the wiring for 220 in the kitchen . I would have to use the small gas stove already existing . There wasn 't much countePosted by I was just remembering a day back in 2001 when my little 7 year old brought a friend home from school who asked me , " Is Dakota going to sign up for baseball this Summer ? " I asked how would I sign him up and he said he got a slip at school to sign him up and it cost 55 . 00 to register him . I thought , " I 'm rich , just got my income tax refund " , I actually had 55 . 00 to blow on the kid . We headed for the Church up the hill where they were taking registrations . They told us he would be on a team called " The Little Rebels " , so I paid the man . On our way to get a glove , bat , ball , socks and shoes ! They gave us a hat , and a shirt . After the first few practices I thought he needs a new bat , yea , yea , that 's his problem so went and bought a real cool , titanium bat , one the ball could make a real " zing " when he hit it out of the ball park ! He did hit it hard and got a few RBI 's and a HR or two ! Course the pitcher was a skinny mechanical robot thing that was set to throw slow balls . He laughed , I cried , everybody was happy ! One day I was sitting in the bleachers , our team was in the outfield . The ball was hit , up , up it went high over everyone 's head and blam ! It landed in the hands of one of our own little boys ' glove ! I shouted , " Way to go ! What a catch ! " A woman turned around and looked back at me and said , " That was your boy ! " My son ? Dakota ? Dakota Blake ? " I jumped off the bleachers ran to the coach who was laughing so hard because we were ahead at this point , probably 28 - 5 or something , and I asked , " Was that Dakota that caught that ball ? " He nodded , " Yea , good job ! " Still not believing my ears when the inning was over I asked Dakota while we were on our way to the concession stand to get a " suicide " , that 's a drink where all the drinks they had were mixed together in one cup . He said , " Yes , that was me ! " My heart was bigger than the Grinch 's when it grew and grew , well you know the story . K - ball was so much fun , for me that is , that year . They only lost 3 games went to play for the championship and lost , sadly . It took 2 wPosted by On 09 / 11 / 2001 , Monday morning , I was getting ready for the Communications GroupI worked for , taking calls for companies , mostly a large credit card firm , helping customers make their credit card payments . I had never worked on a computer before and hadn 't taken a typing course since the age of 15 . When I was hired in June of 2000 the girl working behind the desk in Human Resources told me to apply in a small room , not much bigger than a broom closet . The only thing I saw was a desk with a menacing - looking computer . I had taken the written application and they wanted to see how fast I could type . I went back to the Human Resources desk and told the girl , not much older than a teenager , that the only thing I saw was a computer and I didn 't know anything about computers and didn 't know where to start . She said she would set it up for me and said , " There , it is all ready for you just start typing the best you can in the allotted time . When you are finished I will check your time and let you know how well you did . " It took time away for errors . It was a story about a little girl who lived in Kansas with her Aunt and Uncle and her little dog Toto . When all was said and done I had typed 12 words a minute after subtracting the errors I had made . I was unfamiliar with the keyboard and wanted to slide the carriage over , but there was no carriage to slide . I was ready to walk out and never come back . To my surprise she said that didn 't matter for the work intended and I had a training session the following Thursday after I passed the drug screening . I was hired . On this day 09 / 11 / 2001 I was rushing around getting ready for work . The Television set had the news as I always watched Good Morning America . They were going on and on about bombs and the Twin Towers . I paid little attention . I had to get Dakota ready for school and take him there . He was in the first grade at Hall Elementary . He had gone to Pre School for two years since his birthday was in October , whatever age you were the first day of September , even Posted by One day when Chuck and I were in the living room listening to the stereo , Chuck was practicing his Karaoke performance for Karaoke night at the bar , we heard screaming and yelling coming from the basement . We rushed to see what had happened and Dakota was covered with blood . His father had been asleep on the cot that Chuck usually slept on , when he was awakened by Dakota screaming . He had fallen off the last three steps leading to the basement as there was no railing there at the time and hit his head on the raised concrete surrounding the floor jack . Head wounds bleed easily and his head was gushing . Kelvin couldn 't stand the sight of the blood and told us to take him to the hospital in my convertible . Chuck held him while I drove out of the garage . Dakota was starting to feel a little better and fondling the dashboard and poor Chuck 's hair , covering everything he touched with the red gooey coagulation . When we got to the emergency room the receptionist / nurse asked us , " Can I help you ? " Dakota and Chuck looked like the videos from the Vietnam War we used to see on the television screen from the sixties . They had dried blood in their hair , on their clothes but Dakota was certainly the worst and it was obvious he was the patient . I just looked at her staring blankly back at me as if I hadn 't just brought in a victim from the Vietnam War and said , " He fell down the steps and hit his head , he needs stitches . " I tried not to scream at her . She said the Doctor wanted to put staples in his head instead . Dakota , by this time , was playing and getting drinks at the water fountain to the other patient 's horror and just plain being his naughty self , getting into places he shouldn 't be and having us , mostly Chuck , chasing him down the hall . He had long gotten over the pain of his fall and the bleeding had stopped . He still had a long gash in his head and would still need those staples . The problem now was how do we hold him still long enough for the Doctor to do it ? By the Grace of the Almighty the staples werPosted by When Dakota was two and a half years old his father picked him up and placed him inside the Blazer to go to wherever he went those days . I was outside on the patio getting ready to put the leashes on the dogs for one of our many walks to the park on 10th street . He started the truck and remembered he 'd left his billfold in the house and slammed the door on the vehicle and went inside unbeknownst to me as I had my own agenda with the dogs . I had bought a little Shiatsu puppy from a breeder in Osborn after mourning the loss of the Pomeranian , Foxy who was never found after our trip to California . With our work schedules I was unable to potty train him properly so as he got bigger I had started leaving him outside in the fenced yard with Lassie . His name was Scruffy due to the long shaggy multicolored , buff and brown spotted hair all over his body . I looked up in time to see the truck lurch forward and head down the hill straight into the neighbor 's teal green Geo . The car was an exact replica of the one I had traded for the red Chevrolet convertible . I used to admire it from the window and missed my Geo Storm . I stood wondering why he headed straight for the car as it seemed to be on purpose . I looked up and shaded my eyes with my hand to get a better view when I saw Kelvin come out of the garage with his mouth hanging open and knew immediately that Dakota had sent the car rolling down the street heading for Penn St . The Blazer was pinned against the side of the Geo on the driver 's side heading South from 14th St . Kelvin ran to the truck to check on Dakota as did I . Dakota was crouched in the back floor board crying and waving his arms , sure that his Daddy was going to do him bodily harm as I was as well . Instead he told him to not to be afraid he was going to get him out of there . The neighbors came out of the house on the corner to see what the crash was about . The driver 's side of the Geo Storm was pushed in and the door wouldn 't open . Kelvin managed to separate the two vehicles . It was a young woman ' sPosted by When the court said Kelvin had to get a job so he could have his child support debited from his check we lost the Social Security Disability that I had automatically deposited into the checking account . I was earning between 200 . 00 and 400 . 00 on my own with Care Givers and had to pay the bills with that . That money only came in every two weeks . Kelvin got a job working for Defenbaugh Industries in Johnson County Ks . He got up at 4AM , picked up his friend David , the second husband of Kelvin 's first wife and soon to be ex - husband . They were the best of friends and together they drove the long distance to work every day . David was the driver and Kelvin was the helper , the man who hung onto the side of the truck . They drove all over the Kansas City area picking up trash in residential areas . They worked until they got done , sometimes coming home in the middle of the day . They were paid by job so the pay was the same and he earned a weekly paycheck . Before coming home on Fridays he would stop at the bank and deposit an amount into the checking account minus the amount he needed for gas and lunches for the week . When I got the news about Care Givers and the lost wages there , in January of 1999 , I stopped looking for work as a nurse and decided to be a stay at home Mom for Dakota . I had lost so much of his early years when working for the hospital and with no references now for nursing I was at my wits end on what kind of job I could get now . The only job experience I had was nursing . The boarder in Savannah had raised his rates for the stable I had been keeping Bullet , my horse , from 75 . 00 a month to 100 . 00 a month . Kelvin 's Cousin Kyle had a farm south of Faucett Missouri and asked us to put the horse there free of charge . We had to fence off the property with hot wire or portable fencing . There was a large barn and a free flowing creek running through the property from an underground spring , that meant no more breaking ice in the winter time as it never froze too hard that the horse couldn 't break it with his hooPosted by I usually worked from 2P until 10P when I was sent to this location . On this particular day I worked the day shift . At lunch time when everyone else was in the cafeteria I stayed on the floor waiting on new meds from the pharmacy to come for a new patient I had admitted . While waiting for the delivery another patient was out of Oxygen , her cylinder was empty and I was unsure how to take the top off and replace it on the new tank . After rolling the old tank to the storeroom and wheeling the new cylinder on the dolly we set the tank up and exchanged the top . I reset the gauge for the order for Oxygen flow just as the delivery of meds came . I had to count the medications and sign for them , start an IV on the new patient , which I hadn 't done in 7 years . The other LPN who came in to take over my shift at 3 P helped and together we got the line in her vein . The aide that was helping with the Oxygen had the tank ready and I finished my charting and gave report to the LPN . I drove home in the daytime for once . The sun was shining and I could see the winding turns on the old blacktop road . It was wintertime and the old route had no street lamps , the ditches were steep on both sides . One day they had assigned me to work back at the usual time of 2P - 10P on New Year 's Eve . There was a lot of ice on the roads , the snow fell leaving 8 inches of the white slippery stuff everywhere . The newspaper headlines showed a car coming off interstate 29 to Northbound 169 , sliding in a ditch and other such wrecks all over the city . I called Caregivers and said I wouldn 't work that evening because of the snow and ice . I didn 't want to try to make it to Stanberry , 50 miles away , on that blacktop road , and then try to make it home in the dark . We didn 't have cell phones and I wasn 't sure if Kelvin would come to rescue me that late at night when he always got up at 4A to go to work in Johnson County Kansas for Defenbaugh 's Trash Service . He went to bed at 7 : 30 in the evening and stayed there until he had to go to work the next moPosted by In September of 1998 , Kelvin got news that his step - father was in the hospital and was dying . The bone cancer had spread to his brain . They wanted to gather the family together so his family had purchased tickets for the plane ride back to Sacramento for him . He was to pick them up at the airport . He gathered his bags and was gone . When he came back the relationship was strained even more and I stayed in the kitchen most of the time and Kelvin had set up cots in the basement for him and Chuck on opposite sides . Kelvin 's bed was next to the door leading to the outside and outside that door was a vestibule and steps leading straight up to the street . I slept in the big waterbed alone in the large bedroom . He came and went as he pleased sometimes staying out all night . One morning I couldn 't sleep . It was 6 AM and he wasn 't home yet . Soon I heard his Chevy Blazer pulling up to the curb outside the basement door . I went to yell at him and saw that he had been drinking which was no surprise . All his " buddies " had gotten back together again and he was on a down hill spiral . One morning about 2AM I awoke to yelling and started to the basement to see what was going on . Upon entering the stairs I could hear and man and a woman 's voice so I started down and yelled , " What is going on here ? " I could see a half naked girl and her boyfriend was wailing away at Kelvin on the bed who made no attempt to fight back and appeared to still be sleeping . He was using an old broom handle and was putting large red whelps all over Kelvin 's back . When I asked again what was he doing he said he came down the steps to the vestibule and opened the door to the basement and caught her , his girlfriend , in bed with Kelvin . Kelvin appeared to be asleep and only groaned when the broom handle slapped against his back repetitively . She constantly sang her song of nothing happened and continued to put her blouse back on . I told them to both leave and never come back and told " Linda " never to call him again . When they finally left aPosted by The next two weeks were spent going to work , picking Kelvin up after work and going home to my trailer in Wathena . One evening after dropping Kelvin off at his apartment , I was sitting at the nurse 's station getting ready for the evening 's med pass , when a panicked Kelvin came off the elevator , stating , " My apartment building burned last night and all my things are ruined ! " His downstairs neighbor had been drinking and had gone to bed with a lit cigarette . The upstairs apartment above him , Kelvin 's apartment , was smoke damaged . The fire had been contained in the closet where Kelvin had kept memorabilia such as pictures and letters from his mother . His clothes hanging in the closet were stained with water and the strong odor of smoke lingered on them , including his shirt he had gotten from his cousin Kyle , who had been in the Navy . Kyle had sent him a shirt from Singapore . It was a white shirt with blue Asian style designs on it and he was especially fond of that shirt . We had it cleaned and it was good as new . The firemen had gotten there quickly but deemed the apartment building uninhabitable . He had to find another place to live . I didn 't want to leave him hanging since he had no place to live , his family lived in Sacramento , California , so I told him he could live with me until he could find some place else to hang his shirt , so to speak . He thought about living with Kyle , now out of the service and settled with a new wife who was pregnant with their first child . I was hesitant in getting involved again so soon after the " fiasco " with Bill . He never moved out and I liked having someone to come home to after work . He filled my head with tales of horror stories that were reminiscent of a Hollywood movie , action adventure . I should have listened and realized the things he was telling me were true , life experiences . I dismissed everything as I would after watching a television program , I could always turn off the set and go back to my real life and never think of it again , but this was a life he had lived . He had a dDarlene Whenever I needed to haul anything , I just put the top down and away I went . I bought the table and chairs at a second hand store called Charlie 's on South 6th St . Kelvin had the Blazer and what I couldn 't haul in my convertible he picked up in his Chevy Blazer . The new house was starting to look like home . I passed my test at Care Givers and started to work right away . In September of 1997 I was assigned to care for a baby named Emily . She had been born in June and spent the first few months of her life at Children 's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City . She needed tube feedings and to be catheterized every day . She was hooked up to a heart monitor . She had been born with Spinal Bifida . She had to be monitored carefully , at times she would turn blue and pass out . Although she was 3 months old she looked and weighed as a newborn . I 'd take her out of the crib and place her in the swing . She liked the swing and would smile , then she would turn blue and pass out . I would simply pick her up and jostle her a little , this would bring her out of it but if she was a little slow coming to then I would have to give her mouth to mouth and put her on Oxygen . As the months went by she got bigger and smiled more . She had toys and music players in her crib and liked to look at those . She slept a lot so while she was sleeping I cleaned the house and did the dishes ; I even cleaned the microwave oven . I did mounds of laundry to keep busy while Mrs . Greene visited her mother in Savannah . My director of nursing said I didn 't have to do anything but watch the baby but to help out the mother I might want to straighten up the place while Emily was sleeping . I charted in a notebook and turned that in to Caregivers at the end of the week . I made phone calls to the Doctor 's office and gave her medications through her feeding tube . She had blonde hair and big blue eyes and a smile that lit up the room . One evening after work Mrs . Greene called me and said she , Emily , was having difficulty breathing and had made an appointment for her toPosted by We had been looking for a place to live since the landlord said his wife was going to evict us . Kelvin asked me to check out a house on South 14th St . It was a big house on the corner with a fenced in yard however , it was small but the dog , Lassie , a collie I had bought Kelvin after he sold Chief , the bulldog , was used to a small area and it was probably bigger than the small yard at the trailer court . We also had a tiny Pomeranian who used to dig her way out of the fence at the trailer court when finally , the day we were to live for California ; someone kept her and didn 't bring her back . We boarded the plane in December 1996 and headed for Sacramento . We stayed with his sister , Michelle , her boyfriend Larry and Michelle 's two children , Doug and Lindsay . We were there until after Christmas . They had an extra bedroom which did not have a vent so it was cold and the weather was rainy with a temperature at night and most days of 32 degrees , so much for sunny California . I kept in touch with Jennifer who stayed at the trailer for us and a neighbor watched Lassie . I asked if there was any sign of Foxy , the Pomeranian , and the answer was no . They even checked with the dog pound who said since the dog was a Pomeranian and teacup size she was probably stolen . The landlord at the house on South 14th St said the place should be ready when we got home in January . He was completely remodeling the house , putting in new cabinets , paint etc … I told him I was going to be working at Caregivers Home Care Services when I got back and that Kelvin would be receiving a disability check which I had directly deposited into the bank account so I could pay the rent myself with that . There would be no more of the " cashing the check first and spending what he wanted " before paying the rent as he had done in the past . We settled on a rent amount of 410 . 00 a month . The house had one huge bedroom and a small bedroom for Dakota . The bathroom , which was remodeled , was large and was between the two bedrooms . The kitchen was narrow with nePosted by Backtracking a couple of years to 1994 , In the Spring of 1994 I bought Kelvin an English Bull Dog puppy . He saw an add in the paper that a lady was selling these dogs , show dogs , champion bloodlines , north of Savannah , MO . We went to see these puppies and I raked and scraped together the 600 . 00 for the asking price . It was a cute little fat puppy that Kelvin named Chief after the KC Chiefs . In the Summer of 1994 we had a family reunion at Donald 's house . Everyone came . We brought Chief with us since we didn 't have a " dog sitter " and couldn 't leave him at home for very long without taking him outside . Kelvin had fenced in the small yard but we were afraid someone would open the gate and he would get out or someone would steal such an expensive dog , so we took him with us . I was a little afraid of what Donald would say , but it turned out that he loved the dog and wanted one just like him . Everyone oohed and ahhed over the puppy , he was really cute . It wasn 't long that he grew up and took on the characteristics of his parents which were big and ugly . He slobbered all over everything and had a deep gruff sounding bark . We decided to take Chief and Pebbles to Bluff Woods to walk along the trails there , climbing steep hills , over the creeks and higher . Pebbles ran around like a crazy little dog while Chief was fat and lazy trying to keep up with us while Pebbles chasing squirrels and rabbits , never seemed to tire . On the way back down the trail Chief fell over and lolled his tongue out of the side of his mouth and couldn 't go on . Kelvin picked up the 70 or so pound dog and tried to carry him the rest of the way . I told him we needed to get him to the little waterfall where we could put him in the water to cool him off . He was afraid he was going to die as Crusher , the pit bull had years before . We got to the pool of water and Kelvin bathed him in the cool water . He seemed to perk up a bit but he carried him to the car just the same . We finally got Pebbles to calm down and get in the car . Chief was fine aftPosted by When we arrived home the weather was chilly and the winter snow was starting to melt . I got my schedule for my new nursing job at the nursing facility in Wathena , Kansas . I had applied for my temporary Kansas license . I had three months that I could work there before I had to start gathering nursing credits to receive a permanent license . The credits were expensive and I would have to take a week or so off without pay to travel back and forth to Topeka . Sometimes they had classes in Falls City , Nebraska that would work for Kansas but I jut couldn 't afford to take the time off and pay for the credits . I decided to work there until my license expired and find work in Missouri , in Missouri the credits weren 't necessary as long as you attended In - Service meetings which the institution you worked for paid for and they were held during the daytime , I usually worked evenings so I had to come in during the daytime to attend the meetings or on my evening off . They would be held just one day a month . At the end of my 3 month temporary stay in Wathena I had applied back at Citadel where I had worked when I first graduated nursing school . The administration had a new name but the facility was still Citadel . In the Fall of 1996 we learned that Kelvin 's step - dad , Larry Higdon , had been diagnosed with Prostrate Cancer and it had spread to his bones and Lymph glands . The Doctors said this may be his last Christmas and wanted all the family to come to California to visit for the last time . Kelvin 's family wanted us to come to stay for the whole month of December . I didn 't know how I would be able to get that much time off but decided to check with the Administrator 's wife to see how much personal time I could take under the circumstances . I hadn 't been there but a few months so I knew it couldn 't be much . With much trepidation and dread I eased my way to the office at the end of the shift before I went home for the day . I worked the day shift there as I had always wanted to , the day shift seemed to be able to do morPosted by Kelvin had spoken to his mother on the phone about the situation . I had no job and he was doing odd jobs at a salvage yard for a friend of his on K Highway . She said she would send us the money while we were in Hawaii . Keith , Karen and Kelvin wanted to spend the money so we could go to a Luau in Hawaii before we left for home . I thought we should take the money and run with it to Missouri and deposit it immediately in the bank account . Everyone , of course , thought I was being selfish , including me but I was under a lot of stress . How were we supposed to pay our bills when we got back ? Kelvin hadn 't paid the rent and we didn 't know how long the landlord would put up with that before setting us out on our ears . I had the utilities and the regular bills to pay , plus gasoline and groceries . He was supposed to pay the rent with his money . It had been a couple of months before I realized he wasn 't paying the rent , I think I found out when he actually told me he hadn 't been taking the check he was getting for disability up to the landlord 's office as he had been . He had bought an old van that wouldn 't run half the time just because his " friends " in the trailer court needed money to buy , God only knew what . So we were out 200 . 00 that should have helped with the rent for another vehicle we couldn 't afford to buy tags for . I relented and we spent the 125 . 00 she sent us to go to a luau . The parking lot was crowded . We found a place to park , Ray , Keith and Karen 's son , named after the rich uncle with the mansion looking outwards towards the volcano , Diamond Head , again agreed to watch Dakota . We sat at one of the long tables provided for the evening meal , which consisted of a roast pig that had been lowered into the ground with ceremony and cooked on hot coals and buried several hours earlier . We got there in time to see them raise the pig out of the hole and carry it on poles to the big tent where it would be cut up and the meat shredded to feed the tourists that had come to watch the native dancers on thPosted by Nine hours later we were arriving at the Honolulu airport . Cheers and applause from the passengers arose when the pilot announced our arrival . Looking out the window I could see dark clouds and rain hitting the window . The ocean was obscured due to the weather and I knew this was a sign . I couldn 't believe it was raining on what I thought would be a sunny paradise . The images of blue water and palm trees were replaced by dark , windy and chilly conditions . After instructions were given to the passengers who wanted to stay on the plane to be taken to other islands , we were allowed to disembark . Kelvin was still in a " drunken " snit and unapproachable . He haphazardly grabbed the bags from the over head compartment , I grabbed the diaper bag and my purse from under my feet and held the baby the best I could . The airport was crowded with people going and coming from unknown destinations from all over the world . I hadn 't met his brother and sister - in - law so I didn 't know who to look for and it wasn 't advisable to ask Kelvin . He said , " Here they are ! " Showing his best side as he always did in front of other people so they would think he was the nicest guy in the world , when in private in front of me he showed a totally different side . They met us with leis that were made from live flowers , very pretty colors of pink , blue and purple . They hung them around our necks and headed for the luggage conveyer for the rest of our bags . We crowded into the car and off we went to their house . They lived on a nice suburban Ave , I couldn 't pronounce the name , or the city south of Honolulu . There were palm trees and flowers , even tomato plants with fat red tomatoes growing in neighbor 's yards , along with Hibiscus plants six feet high or more . It was so unusual to see in February where at home that time of year there was snow and ice and very cold weather . I foolishly complained about the rain and the cloudy weather and was shot down immediately by his brother , Keith , and Kelvin of course . " You 've come during the raiPosted by In February of 1996 my severance check consisted of a check for 1300 or so dollars for every hour worked . His brother and sister - in - law had been trying to get us to fly out to Hawaii to see them , of course we wanted to , but who could afford the trip ? My daughter Jennifer worked at TWA in Kansas City at the time and she said she could get us tickets for nearly nothing , 50 . 00 for the two of us each to fly and Dakota could fly free . After making arrangements to have a job when I got back home we started making plans to go to Hawaii . They lived on the island of Oahu not far from the Honolulu airport . They would meet us at the airport and take us to their house where we would stay for three weeks . I brought 500 . 00 of the money with us and Jenny and Eric , her husband , would stay at our trailer and watch the pets while we were gone . On February 21st we headed out . We were all excited and anxious for the trip of a life time . Kelvin was in a bad mood as he was most often these days . Anything could set him off . He 'd started drinking with his new found friends in the court and had stopped paying the rent and used his money for other things we surely didn 't need . Jennifer had warned us to behave and act civilized on the plane because whatever we did reflected on her since we were using tickets that she had used her discount on , thus representing TWA . We had lots of bags , the baby , the diaper bag , my purse and I was expected to carry it all . If I asked him to help me with the bags he would go into a sudden rage . He did that a lot over nothing in particular except it afforded him his way whenever he wanted something . His drinking and drug abuse came back with a vengeance and nothing I could do or say could talk him out of it . Everything was my fault . His friends were right and I was wrong . Whenever he was with his friends he laughed and showed them courtesies that he never showed me . I was supposed to be the one he loved and had saved his life when the apartment burned and he had to live me in the trailer in Wathena . If I hPosted by We took report and I started my rounds with the medicine cart . As soon as I finished we prepared for supper trays , putting in the necessary nurse 's notes etc . By evening rounds it was time to pass the meds again . When I got to the patient 's room , the sitter who was hired by the cousin to watch over the patient when we , the nurses and aides , were helping with other patients , asked for the patient 's evening narcotic along with her other medicines . We had had a meeting the week before when the new Director of Nursing had taken over the duties of Scotty , the former and now retired director . She had laid out the new rules for sitters . They would no longer be giving the meds to the patients anymore unless they were a qualified Med Tech or LPN . We had to give the meds directly to the patients now and the Doctor had said this particular patient was receiving too many narcotics and her liver would start to fail . We had to only give those narcotics when she said she was in a lot of pain and nothing else seemed to work . I went into the room and asked the patient herself if she was in a lot of pain and she sat straight up and said , " Not really " . The sitter was so insistent that I knew she had Tylenol ordered , and had it on her MAR page for several years so I gave her a couple of Tylenol . The sitter was so angry that I did not give her , the sitter , and the drugs to give the patient that she said she wasn 't giving the rest of her medicines again and that I could just give them from now on . I told her about the meeting and reminded her that she would not be allowed to give the medicines to the patient anymore due to the rules set up by the new Director . I gave the meds and continued my med pass to the rest of the patients . She had called the Cousin of the patient and angrily told her that I would not give the narcotic to the patient as she , the sitter , had asked for and the cousin went ballistic . She said she was going to report me to the new Director of Nursing . I didn 't know this that night and didn 't find outPosted by |
He merely squeezed me tight . I tried to talk out loud to keep myself awake , but it didn 't work . I fell asleep in his arms . Laneham looked stunned . Frowned . Realised . Blinked and gaped and went red and then frantically signed - but Clark was looking the other way nonchalantly . I realised it was my duty to set them right , but I was so horrendously embarrassed I could only stammer . It took a few days , but he was right . The upside was that he could spend his nights with me now , so we slept in each other 's arms . I still thought of Isabel , and missed her , but that was all . I fended off every dark thought about the feud , which was helped by the fact that we didn 't come across another Hunter boat until London . I felt helpless , so I avoided any thoughts about it all . Clark stared , then tried to laugh in derision and failed . That 's when he looked over Laneham 's face and saw us - me , Petey , Harry and Phil , stood watching them . He stormed away and Laneham sighed , running his hands through his hair . It was a sign of things to come . At the docks some of the goods were damaged and Laneham and Clark argued with the person collecting them , while I found that a nail been uncovered in the bottom of the wash basin , tearing some of the clothes that swirled by it - which were mainly mine . They got less money than they wanted , and I had a skirt and knickers completely ruined . We all stood to see and my heart slowed . A lady was walking towards us , flanked by three men . A lady with a large bustle and hat and an even bigger air of importance . A lady glaring at the crew , at Laneham , and especially at me . Everyone straightened . ' It doesn 't matter what she did , ' Mrs Hunter said , each word dropping like hail on us all , contempt in every syllable . ' Miss Heinlein is under My care , and obliged to work on one of My ships . You have no right to take her from that , and that is why I am here to collect her . ' ' I suggest you don 't disagree , Laneham , ' she said , relishing the lack of title she gave him . ' You know who I am , and it is only out of the goodness of my heart that I don 't punish you for kidnapping . If it wasn 't for me you wouldn 't even exist to defy me . ' This moment was always going to come ; I had known it was inevitable , and I had been prepared for it , even if he hadn 't . I turned to Laneham and touched his shoulder . He still looked too stunned to respond to anything . ' Write , ' I said , and kissed him briefly on the lips ; a paltry final kiss , but it was all I could do . I ran straight to Mrs Hunter , as if I would die if I disobeyed . She walked away and I turned and waved at them all , and they all waved back except Clark , who was looking at his feet , and Laneham , who stared as if his world was being torn away from him . It broke my heart utterly to see him like that , but I didn 't dare run back - Mrs Hunter had swept me away with her , and I could not swim against her tide . ' Disgraceful . How Mr Cooper has such villains working for him is beyond my comprehension entirely . That I should have to come down here and speak to them - and you are not blameless , Miss Heinlein ! Do not deceive yourself about your goodness . Isabel was beside herself when she came to me . I had never seen her in such a state since her brother died - you would think you had been killed , by the way she acted . She would not even think to do anything except get you back , and was willing to dump her cargo in the river and chase you . Stupid girl - I can 't think why she panicked so . Oh , and she cried very prettily and told me how brave you were to go in her place - but better it had been her ! She would have killed the lot of them and come back a hero , whereas you , it seems , have been sunning yourself for the past two weeks ! I 've never known such insolence . To think you did not even try to leave - I know you went through at least two ports - it 's a disgrace . That note you sent her was inexcusable . What did you mean , telling her not to worry ? You are some piece of work , girl . ' I lit up . I hadn 't seen my parents in months - only one short visit since I had gone on the Endeavour . When we stopped at the riverside inn where they worked , I ran out to meet them . ' He hasn 't changed . Why would you think he would change that way ? And he had good reason to leave - didn 't he try to tell you that ? ' ' Why didn 't you tell me ? ' I continued , vainly trying to keep the childish pleading out of my voice . ' You knew he was alive , and you let me think he was dead . Why ? ' ' It was easier this way , ' she said . ' He already broke your heart , girl . Why should we hurt you more by letting you know that he had betrayed us ? ' ' Oh dear , ' she said at my face . ' You never change . We knew that if you knew the truth , you would become involved in some awful way like this . ' ' You 're a Hunter , Edie , ' father said , finally coming away from the clouds . ' Remember that . We can 't have you involved with Coopers , even if it is Laneham . ' ' No , dear , it 's only sense . There 's very bad blood here - try to stay out of it . Don 't get caught in it . ' You want me to not become caught in it , and you sent me to a boat filled with vengeance - seekers , who would easily kill the boy you once thought of as a son . That 's what I wanted to say , but I was too sick to say it . A few lukewarm enquiries about Annie and other people I knew , and then we said goodbye . I got back in the carriage with Mrs Hunter , and she seemed pleased that I was sufficiently chastised . We rode in silence until we reached where The Endeavour was docked . ' Well , my work is done , ' Mrs Hunter said behind me . In her tone of voice , everything sounded like a disapproval . Perhaps everything she said was . ' Don 't ask me again , ' she said , and left . I kept my head pressed to Isabel 's body . I didn 't want to look at her . I jerked away from her . Like with my parents , the initial shock of delight was quickly replaced by remembrance . My look must have said everything to her , because she knew better than to follow me when I walked inside without a word to her . ' But Edie … please … I 've known Miss Eynham a long time and she 's always been so good to me . She does what 's best . Please forgive her . ' What an idiot Frances was . I knew I would forgive Isabel from the moment I saw her . But I was still hurting . Isabel , the crew , my parents even - why had they hidden it from me ? She didn 't need to say anything to inform me of her own worry . The fact that she had asked a favour of her aunt was enough . She sat down opposite me and we looked at each other for a second , before she looked down . Beneath her shield of hair , a hand crept out upon the table , searching for another . I placed my hand upon hers . So we walked there , ignoring the others we passed , and I felt as if I was in a dream - I was back on our ship , with my girls , and away from the masculine , frightening world of the Sunrise . Had it really happened ? Had I really been with Laneham only hours before ? ' You were gone so long , ' she said . ' I had no hope of you coming back . I thought you must have fallen in love with him . ' ' You 're a Hunter , Edie , ' she said . I hated how calm , how lacking energy and fire , how damp she was . ' And everyone knew that you were both inseparable when you were younger . I knew you would find out he was a Cooper , and run away with him . Your parents and Aunt Hunter thought the same . ' ' I was going to come back , ' I said . ' And soon . But what does it matter whether that he 's apparently a Cooper and I 'm told I 'm a Hunter ? He used to be a Hunter as well . Why does it matter ? ' I couldn 't speak . I tried , I tried many times , but the utter loathing of what I had just said stopped everything , even an apology . Thoughtless . Thoughtless . Why was I always so thoughtless ? ' It 's not enough . I can 't give up a cousin for my own revenge . They wouldn 't forgive me . I would never agree to it - and Laneham would never agree to it . I know enough about him to know that . And Edie - please - don 't … I … ' ' We are enemies , ' she said , straightening up and regaining all her rightful dominance . ' You can 't negotiate between us - you 're now one of the reasons we have to be enemies . You can 't reconcile us ; please don 't try . You 're here now - stay with me , and forget about him . ' ' I was so worried about you . I swore I would never let anyone get you again . I love you , Edie , I love you so much . ' Life settled down so quickly it was as if I had never left . We set sail the next morning and I thought of Laneham , further up the river , and his face as I walked away - and then I thought of Isabel and her fear for me , her relief that I was back with her and unharmed . I couldn 't do it . I couldn 't have them both , as much as I wanted to . I couldn 't choose between them . My choice had been made for me : I was to stay on the Endeavour , with Isabel , as a Hunter . And as I had longed for Isabel when I was away from her , I found myself longing for Laneham , and his smile and muscular arms before the day was done . I thought : What a fool I am ! To have two people love me , and tell them both I loved them back , and feel dissatisfied with one when with the other ! Like a prince complaining that he did not know whether he wanted suckling pig or pheasant , while beggars were starving outside ; that was the insanity of my greed . But knowing my insanity did not make me better ; it did not cure or even ease my affliction . Though I did want Laneham , I was still greatly happy to be back with Isabel . The first night I was back I turned from her and slept ; the second she hugged me until I melted . Her warmth , her eyes , her body - I had missed her so much , even the little noises she made of happiness , the sighs of content after we kissed were ambrosia to me . And she was so chaste ! Kissing and pressing our bodies against each other was enough . It was a relief after the impatience and unknowing pressure of Laneham . Still , now I could recognise those feelings that I had ignored before with Isabel , when we held each other and kissed deep into the night , as the same lust - no , not lust , but a desire - a desire to explore all of her body , feel it all in my hands , to do what Laneham had done to me , to see it on her beloved face . ' The others don 't know , ' she said . ' Still . I worried they might realise when I was so upset , but I don 't think it even occurred to them that we might be more than friends . ' ' It doesn 't matter , ' I said . ' He didn 't believe me . ' Only when I looked at her did I see how betrayed she was , and once again hated myself for hurting her so much . ' I knew it . Men can 't be trusted , ' she said . I wanted to both laugh and cry at such a statement . I kissed her instead and we left the topic . I was hiding it from her . Had she asked if I loved Laneham , I probably would have denied it . Fear of causing her more pain overcame all my intentions of honesty so quickly , and it was a weakness I could easily forgive whenever I saw her tense at the mention of him , or my time away . She didn 't reply . I tried to kiss her again but she was unresponsive . She stroked my face and looked into me and I knew she had found me out . I knew it . ' I love you , Isabel . I do . It 's only that I have these … new feelings . I … I don 't know what to do . ' It was true . It was the best way I could put it . I thought she might be disturbed , frightened even as I had been with Laneham , but when I looked up at her she merely nodded . I sulked inside and hated trying to calm myself , but it was worth it . Isabel was as gentle as I knew she would be , and as loving as I knew she was . We watched each other for signs of what worked , and smiled , and talked , and giggled , and kissed and loved each other . That night I lay in her arms and thought I should be happy to be with her forever . The next day the letter came from Laneham . I hadn 't forgotten that I had told him to write . The letter had been waiting at port for a few days , the messenger said . I grabbed it out of his hand and stuffed it behind my apron , hoping that no - one had seen him come since I was the only one outside at the time . Breakfast was another strained affair for me and Isabel - every day we had to remember not to show our love for each other in the company of the crew . Today I was slightly relieved for that sanction , because she would have noticed how distracted I was , wondering what the letter said . Later , when I was alone with the laundry , I sat down and read it . I can hardly believe that you 're gone from me once more . When you last saw me I was so stunned at your being taken from me so suddenly that I could barely say farewell ; I now regret that with all my heart . It was very like Mrs Hunter to take you in such a manner , and I should have foreseen that Clark would betray me in such a way . I hate to admit that I have not been able to sufficiently punish him . He dared me to bring it up with his uncle , which of course I could not do , and I had few other ways to punish him and not compromise his important position on board . He gained what he wanted , but he knows that I shall never believe in his decency again , and only time will let him realise how that damage is not worth his petty dislike of you . I hope you are well . Life has returned to its dull routine without you . I hope Miss Eynham and her crew are treating you as you deserve to be treated , though I doubt she can give you all the love I would give in her stead . We have returned to the S - route and are currently near Rainham . Please let me know if our paths are to cross once more . I will happily risk everyone 's wrath to be with you once again . How it annoyed me ! What a disappointment of a first letter ! To hear that he hadn 't had the courage to tell Mr Cooper that I had been on the ship - surely he would find out anyway ! - and was letting Clark rejoice in being rid of me , and then to insult Isabel in such a way ! I considered tearing it up , then settled for folding it roughly and throwing it into the corner , before picking it up again and stuffing it in my apron . I resolved that I wouldn 't reply , that I would never reply , and that I was done with Laneham and all his crew and all his feud and all his unreasonable hatred of Isabel . I kissed her with extra happiness that night and assured her forcefully that I loved her , and I thought I had made my choice . This is Karen . She is short and has a tiny arse compared to her breasts . She likes swearing at the phone after she 's hung up on someone she hates . She dislikes the persistent smell of naan bread that wafts out of the bakery near her house . Her favourite word is " sclerotic " , not that she knows what it means - she just likes it because it sounds like both a mental condition and something someone smart would say on the TV . Her shame is that she actually hates romantic comedies and prefers pretentious artsy films , but her boyfriend keeps taking her to see rom coms and she loves the dogged look of concealed hatred he wears too much to tell the truth . She is standing with her forearms crossed to cover her nipples , and trying to remind herself of the new phone she 's going to buy with help of the money she is given here . She is curiously unconcerned about covering her nethers . This is Phil . He has a bald spot on the back of his head whose existence he ignores , and the hair on his arms is considerably darker than the hair on his legs . He likes long walks on the beach ; he dislikes that that 's a romantic cliché because he just likes seeing his two dogs playing in the water while he thinks up grand scenarios in his head - of espionage , and cowboys , and what he would say if aliens came down on him at that moment ( so far he 's convinced he 'll start with " Don 't touch my dogs ! " ) . His favourite word is " fudd " , which he learnt on a holiday up in Scotland one year and has been using with glee ever since , to the mystification of his friends and family , who think he is just pronouncing the word " food " weirdly and in strange contexts . His shame is that one day when he was a teenager he stole the cap from a beggar and ran away with it , only to throw it away as soon as he got home because it stank of piss . Unlike Karen , Phil is most concerned with covering the region between his legs , even though he knows what he signed up for . He 's joked to his pals that he 'll spend today 's money on a lap dance , but in truth he 's going to buy six bargain - bin action films and a bottle of gin and combine the two this weekend . This is Doctor Mark . Mark is not a medical doctor - he did a PhD in politics before doing animation at college - but he likes having people to call him " doctor " anyway so he feels better about sitting in front of a computer all day . He likes mentioning to strangers in the pub about polygon modelling and rendering because it makes him sound really smart . He dislikes doing this when his best friend Jeff is in the pub with him , because Jeff 's an astrophysicist and that 's so much sexier than computer animation ( except today , of course ) . Mark 's favourite word is " Nietzschean " , which he likes to throw into every inappropriate point in conversation , both because it makes the other person struggle in ignorance and confusion and because it 's fun to say . His shame is that he came up with this idea on a whim and later found an excuse to justify him doing it , and also that he gets a perverse throb from seeing both Karen and Phil at his mercy . And this is Ekaterina . She is Mark 's assistant today , and she is currently behind the window in the video room , hiding her face behind her clipboard as she tries not to laugh . She likes trying to see how many different coloured hair clips she can fit on her head to hold up all her layered bangs . She dislikes how constantly cold air - conditioned computer labs are , and how she has to take a cardigan to work no matter how hot it is outside . Her favourite word is " schadenfreude " . Her shame is that she only agreed to help with this ridiculous video because she thinks Mark is kind of hot , even though he reminds her of her brother in a weird way . She watches as Mark explains the purpose of the video , and the ethics and anonymity . Then he gives a quick demonstration of the movements they are to do , before turning and pointing to her - the signal to start recording . Karen and Phil start jogging on the spot and doing star jumps , and the screens in the video room fill with trackers on all their wibbly bits . She rests her forehead on the clipboard in quiet hysterics . On the paperwork this study is titled ' Adipose Physics . ' On her own paper , Ekaterina has crossed that out and written instead , in block capitals : NAKED BOUNCY FUN TIME . As the next few days wore on , I grew bolder . Laundry had run out but my boredom stayed the same , so - trusting in Laneham 's word - I took to turning up in places and helping the crew , first without a word on either side except for requests - more rope , move this , thank you - and eventually blooming into conversation . It was Petey that started it , the youngest one of the crew . They both looked down , shifting , not wanting to acknowledge the dislike between us . It was a small , trivial conversation , but it started more , and I realised that most of them were harmless . We talked about different types of boats , about weather , and with some about the north of the country and Ireland , where I shared what I 'd learnt from Jane and Mary . I felt foolish for my earlier fear of them all . I often thought back to my childhood , because this was like some strange retelling of it , where I was on a boat with Laneham and everyone was a friend . Except that wasn 't true , and Laneham was the different , and yet the same , and he fascinated me because of it . ' I can 't believe they never replied to you . They must have thought you were dead as well - they wouldn 't keep that from me . It must have been Mrs Hunter . ' ' That doesn 't matter now … ' I said , but it did . Yes , many people . There were words which haunted me : " There 's something I never told you . " When would she have told me if we hadn 't been attacked ? Would she ever have revealed it to me ? ' Oh yes ! ' I said , glad for the change in subject . ' I see her quite often . She 's engaged to this man , Alfie , I think his name is - another relative of the Hunters . Why - don 't tell me you 've never seen her ? ' I nodded , dampened . I kept forgetting that he was a Cooper now . It would plague me occasionally throughout the day and that 's when I had to work to distract myself , because when I thought of the Coopers and the Hunters my spirit sank into a black hole of doom and despair and no hope for any bright future - just death and revenge and more death and my inevitable tangling in the web . He touched my chin . He had always done that to get my attention , but more often now he did it without signing afterwards , as if he just wanted to look at me , and I would look into his large grey eyes and wonder at how much he had changed . " He looks almost handsome like that " , Annie 's mother said once . She hadn 't done him justice . I didn 't know what to say . I didn 't want to explain how I had been so hurt when he left , how I had supported my parents and the ship all alone , how I had been sent away to work for strangers , how while I loved the river and the people and the docks and those I travelled with , I wanted to escape so badly from the crush of their problems and the two families fighting . I struggled and he waited for a reply and I couldn 't . I changed the subject . He smiled , a small bittersweet smile with his eyebrows raised , that I had never seen on him before . I hated it . It made him look old and worried . ' You 're more confident . You don 't hide . You command everyone here and you hold their respect … you used to be afraid of everyone . ' With good reason . But C . and - I didn 't understand the sign but I assumed it was Mr Cooper from what he said - helped me . They taught me how to be strong . I laughed bitterly and was about to protest when he pulled me close into an embrace . Arms remained by my sides ; I was too surprised to move . He pulled back and looked at me and this time - stupid cowardly Edie - I couldn 't meet his gaze . I pulled myself further onto the bed so my back was against the wall , and pulled my legs up to my chest . It 's hard to describe the mess of confusion that I was . My thoughts were scattered , there was a looming threat I could perceive , and I didn 't want to fall too far in . ' You … you 're not close here . You hired these men and they don 't even try to know each other very well and you and Clark don 't know them . You 're not family like we are on the Endeavour . I love them all and I … miss them all , as much as I miss my parents . ' The next day he sent in Petey with my breakfast . Petey was very talkative and insisted I come eat with the rest of them but I ignored him and only thought what this might mean . When I ran into Clark - as sometimes happened - I was only further perplexed . ' Umm … ' I swallowed , my brain whirring with implications of what he was asking . ' Well , no , except Christian - but he just came on the boat because we found him ! ' I added hastily , seeing his look , and then I explained finding Christian in the river , wondering how I had omitted it before . He backed away slowly , judging my reaction . I sat , frozen , unable to think of anything except Isabel . He brushed the back of my neck and my body shivered automatically and he looked at me so lovingly that I prayed for God to strike me down on the spot . He wanted me to speak , act , do something , give him a sign - and I acted without thinking , which is always my downfall . God help me , he was so gentle and beautiful and kind . He laughed . The laugh of someone that can 't even make a sound with their throat is awful . It 's nothing but short bursts of air being shot out of his mouth , and makes a horrible wheeze . ' Don 't laugh ! ' I cried . ' I know , it 's … it 's not right , not Christian , but I love her and she loves me . And you hate her and she hates you … and you … ' I looked at him . ' You … ' I always wanted to be with you . That 's why when I saw you , I took you here . If you were changed , I would have put you back , but you 're still my Edie , only sadder . I want to make you happy . I love you . I signed it because I couldn 't make the words . There was a lump in my throat though I didn 't feel as if I would cry at all . My heart felt as if it was being split into two parts and the confusion and ache overwhelmed me . It wasn 't in anything I had read , not in the Bible or other religious books . It wasn 't adultery and but I knew it must be sinful . All I could consult was my own heart , and after hours of pain and thought , it reinforced it to me : I had fallen in love with two people . I thought of Isabel and her intensity , her inner pain , her beautiful hair and laugh and her soft body , and yet I thought of Laneham and his command , his devotion , and his beauty and his figure and his scent - and I wanted both . I could not choose , constantly deciding on one then knowing I must have the other . I considered neither - Isabel was jealous and had concealed Laneham from me , while he had that capacity for violence and was hiding her brother 's killer for no good reason . I decided , resolutely , for about half an hour , that I would leave both and never see either again . But at the thought of their kisses and embraces I relented - her kiss softer , his embrace tighter , and the comparison began again . Had I known I was falling for Laneham until he kissed me ? Of course I had . It was natural and easy to love him . It had taken me a long time to realise with Isabel , and a long time to fall in love with her , but then I had known Laneham before and it was so easy … I mocked this decision at first as the stupidest thing I had come up with all night , evidently a product of a tired brain . But we were on different boats . They would not go near each other . When with one I could devote myself to them alone , and then to the other when I was with them . They would be jealous , they would , but I could appease them , surely . Men in the Bible had two wives ; why couldn 't I have two loves ? As long as they didn 't have to fight over me , it could work . It was horrifically greedy and unfair to them , but it was the only solution which could benefit us all . It could work . It must work . Clark sulked silently , but I had expected that . The others chatted away as normal , though often having to cough and nudge each other when a crude remark was said . Laneham brushed his fingers against mine under the table and looked at me questioningly . Work kept him away for a large part of the day , as it would do - everyone had a part to play , and everyone kept to it . We all sat down again at lunch and Petey and Harry grew bold enough to ask me questions about my life , and specifically about my old life with Laneham . I described our old boat and the problems that made it unworthy for travel . ' She 's some work , Mrs Hunter ! Sending people this way and that with no say ! Mr Cooper wouldn 't do that , would he boys ? ' ' Don 't be stupid , ' he spat . ' Kindness isn 't a concern to them . They do what they think is best for themselves . In your case it got her niece another crew member with experience . In Laneham 's it took a mute off another niece 's hands . No - one acts selflessly in this world , Miss Heinlein . ' ' Thank you , ' I said . When I drew back and saw his face , it was flushed and lovely . We kissed and a twinge swept through me , a thought of Isabel , but I had had all day to reconsider my decision , and I had stuck by it despite all my doubts . I could love each , fully , at a time . It was no harm to any of us . My thoughts had distracted me from the kiss , and I was shocked to realise how animated he was . His hands ran through my hair , behind my back , over my shoulders , down my waist - I had never kissed Isabel like this . He was escalating , breathing heavily , kissing too deeply , and I had to pull away . He gasped for air . ' Laneham … ' I began , losing the concentration to sign all I had to say . ' This is new to me . I need time , to adjust to you , and how you love me , and - and myself . ' He nodded sheepishly . I don 't know what I had expected . Perhaps part of me expected the handsome captain of a ship to be a prodigious lover of women , but thinking of Laneham , of course that was absurd . I knew he didn 't work by halves : he feared fully , he commanded fully , and so he would love one woman fully . But had he waited this long for me ? Had he started to love me when I still saw him as a brother - saw him almost as a ward ? I laughed and embraced him , and gave him a small kiss . I had never known gratitude so keenly - gratitude was always tempered by obligation to others such as my parents and Mrs Hunter and Isabel . But Laneham had waited freely , blind to how I may have changed with the years , trusting that I would be worth it after all that time . I was flattered to the extreme that he should trust me so . ' But please … understand that I 'm not ready . This is all so sudden and new … I need to prepare … and … ' I picked at the covers . ' I can 't get pregnant , ' I whispered . We talked for a little longer and then kissed and said goodnight . I felt horribly let - down by the whole affair ; bewildered , intrigued , and very very frightened . It won 't be like this with Isabel , I thought . But if she was to have a lust like a man , then I knew that at least now I would be prepared for it , and equal to counter it . I was still very young . Sexuality was too new , too adult , for my liking - for though I heard others talk about it so often , to be confronted by it for the first time was terrifying . When I look back on it , I can hardly believe it was only a few weeks that I was on board the Sunrise . Everything happened so quickly at the beginning , and then in the two weeks afterwards I became so used to the ship and crew it was as if I had been there years . I did laundry and other odd jobs , talked to the crew , had meals with them all and they accepted me easily . I spoke to Clark as little as possible , since he would only make snide remarks . I amused myself by wondering how much fun he would have had with Jane , constantly identifying my faults and slandering me , though I had never felt such an undercurrent of hate from her . I didn 't avoid him , because that was weak , not to mention impossible , but I never sought him out and I tried to ignore him as much as possible . The captain stopped trying to scold him into civility ; we all knew it was impossible . ' When … when I go back to my ship , I 'll have Isabel again . But when I see you again , I 'll have you . It 's simple . ' ' I can 't stay here , ' I said , signing at the same time for emphasis . He grabbed my hand and gripped it and I knew what he wanted to communicate : I love you . I need you . I don 't want to lose you again . ' We won 't lose each other , ' I said softly . ' We 'll write , and visit sometimes . But at the moment , I 'm indebted to Isabel and Mrs Hunter , and I 'm required to work . I 'll have to go back . In the future , we 'll see . ' But I had no concept of the future . I could only see myself on the Endeavour forever , with Isabel , and had recently added week - long visits to Laneham in my vision . I knew that marriage must happen at some point , but I had never desired it greatly . I only wanted a boat and a family of people around me - and that was the Endeavour . I feel I should explain myself . We , the boating people - we were all notionally religious . We married and were buried on land , in a church . But we couldn 't have church , could only pray to God and Jesus and Mary while sailing , and after a few Sundays of reading the Good Book we would inevitably be too tired and forget and sink back into routine for months until someone dredged it back up again for another few Sundays . I knew vice and virtue , but everything else was so remote - so far from my life - that I had learnt to trust my heart as a child and never reconsidered it . I knew a man to lay with a man was sinful , but women were not mentioned ; they must be married , and good wives , and that was all . That is how I could fall in love with a woman and not be ashamed ; and it was how I could feel pleasure in Laneham 's touch , in his body , and not feel ashamed . How hard it was to stop ! How I wished sometimes that I could lost my sense and be swept away in passion ! But no . We could only go so far . Task this week was to write a horror script . This was a little experimental for me - not sure I would get the points across - and upon questioning at the end I feel I explained too much . I won 't make that mistake here . I haven 't been able to sleep . Every night I dream that I wake , eat and dress , then walk out of the cottage , down this path , and right off the edge of this cliff . I never hesitate or stop to consider otherwise . I fall into darkness and then there 's nothing . Now , now , Mister Ellison . Calm yourself . You came out here to rest your mind after all - to let that fresh sea breeze soothe you . Don 't it feel good , Master ? I don 't know , Bob . The longer I 'm here the more I doubt myself . It 's been three weeks , hasn 't it ? Three weeks , and already I feel I can 't remember my wife . My dear Emily . Yes . You know , here in this light , I feel as if I can see things which aren 't there . Right now , if I look closely , I can see a girl standing at the edge of the cliff , a child . She 's looking at me with eyes like Emily 's . Large brown eyes . She always wanted a boy . She wanted me to continue the Ellison name . But I was always partial to a girl , a demure child , an obedient child . Perhaps I worried that if I had a boy , I would become like my father . God rest his soul . But this girl now , she has eyes full of rebellion like Emily . If you forbid a person from action , they only strive to do it more , don 't they ? She was that kind of person . I told her not to swim , so she swam . And she sank my child with her . Hey , hey , Master , calm yourself . You 're here to keep your mind away from painful thoughts aren 't you ? Don 't dwell on such horrors . I can 't imagine the grief you must be in now , but do not sink under it , do not fall into it . You must be strong . Yes . Yes . I don 't speak ill of him . But I see that girl over there , and I want to walk to her , and speak to her . And even if she was not there , I would want to walk to that cliff anyway , for these dreams I 've been having . To see the water , and the rocks . I wouldn 't . I would not . But then I 'd at least be with my dear Emily again . That girl over there , Bob - can you not see her ? I swear she looks as real as you . She is there . I see her . She 's the spirit of the child that Emily drowned , I know it , she looks so reproachful and her eyes are large and blue and filled with tears . What did I do wrong , Bob ? It is too awful . I can 't bear to think of it . My father would be so saddened to see me now , wouldn 't he ? He thought I would do well for him , but I 'm weak . I couldn 't marry as he wanted and give him an heir . Are you sure you cannot see her ? I can 't trust myself recently . I can 't trust my memory at all . I think of Emily and I try my hardest but I can 't remember marrying her , or discovering she was with child , or any such memories . I tried to find photographs but was told there 's nothing . Yes , yes . I must have told you this before . Just for a walk by the cliff . That 's why this child is here now , looking at me . I killed her , Bob , I killed them both with my words . It 's not a weakness ! Don 't you understand ? I have to atone somehow . And why do you call me Master Blake ? My father 's dead , isn 't he ? I 'm - I 'm the head of the Ellison family . You do as I say . Beg pardon , sir . Force of habit . What I mean is , your father always worried about you . He never thought you were able to stick to your word on owt , and always thought you were too weak to stand horrors . You 're a frail lad , and given to fancy . If you 're seeing visions , clearly you 're not strong enough yet to be out here . I am strong enough ! I am . I am the master of the house , Bob , and I see that girl over there with my two eyes . You 're deceiving me , aren 't you ? You 're testing me , like Father always did . You don 't understand , neither of you . I am strong enough for this . I am going to go and touch that girl and bring her to you , and prove she is there . After so many years , I 'm sure your father will be glad to hear that you said that , Master . Mind the rocks on your way down . Mind the rocks . Some time later a note was passed under the door . It had my name written in plain capitals . I ignored it for a few minutes , sheer stubbornness taking me over , saying to myself I wouldn 't hear any excuses , but I knew even then that I was going to read it . I had to know . I couldn 't torture myself with questions any longer . I understand you may be shocked and concerned to discover only now that I 'm alive , and a captain on a Cooper ship . I have known for some time that you were on one of Mrs Hunter 's boats , and it hurt me to think that you thought so little of me as to never even attempt communication . Now I see that you were deceived , and I 'm relieved to know you still think well enough of me to trust me and come aboard this ship . I was abandoned as a baby and taken into the care of a minister and his wife , as I once tried to communicate to you . They were kind and the best of parents , always patient with my disability , and I only wish it could have stayed that way . Unfortunately , my father died and left the vicarage to his grown son , who couldn 't have been more his opposite . My mother tried her best but she was still grieving and couldn 't contradict the man of the house . He treated me very cruelly . ( Here the full stop was thick and slightly smudged , as if he had dripped ink on it for some time . ) I hate to think back on those times . His treatment of me was seen as just by nearly everyone , because I was such a burden . It was then that I grew so wary of others , a trait you always chided in me . Eventually it seems he persuaded my mother that I couldn 't be housed any more - probably that the money would be better spent on his own children . I was not told this . I was told I was going to school , otherwise I would never have stepped on that train . But when my mother said goodbye once I stepped on the train , I realised the truth . She cried as if her heart was breaking and apologised for her weakness , before he dragged her away . I knew then that I had been abandoned . I rode until the end of the line at Laneham station . I had nowhere to go so I stayed there , afraid to venture beyond the station , hiding from the unsavoury characters that visited the place at night . I can 't remember how I stayed alive , for I don 't remember eating or sleeping at all - it is all dream - like to me now . But one day , as I loitered around a train , a young well - dressed woman saw me and asked how I came to be there . I shied away but she was persistent , and the more distressed I became trying to explain to her that I could not answer , the more piteous and pleased she seemed , deciding I was a poor , delightful pet and that I should come with her . I tried to refuse but she was so kind and offered food and a coat , and in my state I couldn 't resist . When we returned to her home - I vaguely remember a stately townhouse - she argued with a man there for a very long time - her husband , of course . He insisted I couldn 't stay and she argued and argued until eventually she called her aunt round to discuss the matter . This was Mrs Hunter , of course . It took a great deal to convince her that I was not deaf but merely couldn 't speak , and she scolded her niece for what seemed like a very long time , until eventually saying she had a place for me . Then this lovely lady , that I had grown attached to in only a few days , explained that I had to go away , and nothing but fear of Mrs Hunter made me leave . That is how I came to your family : scared and sure I was only going to be abandoned yet again . When we were playing that day I ran too far , and became lost . I wandered around the docks as it became dark , and though I was scared , petrified even , and running from every noise I heard , I still managed to find my way to the scene of an argument between two men . I turned the corner and had barely seen their faces when one pulled out his pistol and shot the other . I was so stunned that I could not move , so the killer saw me . I ran , but he caught me , and surely planned to kill me as well , but luckily when he saw my face he realised who I was , and that I literally could not tell anyone what had happened . He laughed as if it was a joke , and pointed his gun to my head , and I was certain I was going to die , but he threatened that if I ever , by any way , told anyone what had happened , he would kill me - and not just me , but all of you as well , since he knew Mrs Hunter and he knew us , and he knew Mrs Hunter favoured him over us , so your lives depended on me . He said many other cruel things , and eventually let me go . I ran back to you , unable to be comforted , certain that I was going to die , and that I would be the cause of your deaths as well . That is why I left . I worried he would be at the next port - and if not , it was still possible he would see us next time we were in town , and what if the police questioned us , knowing we were in that area that night ? I stewed for days , and realised I was putting you in too much danger , and that I had to leave . I forced myself to walk away without saying goodbye , because I knew that the moment I saw your mournful face , my resolve would break . I spent a day wandering around the dock , too afraid to venture into town , when finally a dockworker recognised me and asked what I was doing . I ran , now even more afraid of strangers than I had been , but that evening , as I was dreading my first night alone in years , a well - dressed man found me and insisted I come back with him . I refused again and again , but he finally convinced me . I thought I would certainly be hurt , but he took me back to his home , fed me and let me sleep , and the next day asked me to write how I came to be away from the Heinleins , as everyone knew I had been with them . I refused but he was so kind and considerate to me , and finally - after considering what our route might have been - he guessed the truth : I had seen a man murdered in Chesham . I wrote down what had happened - how he deciphered my awful scrawl I do not know - and he promised that I would be safe with him , because he was Mr Cooper , and even if this man carried great favour with Mrs Hunter , he was nothing to Mr Cooper for he was as powerful , if not more , than Mrs Hunter . I drew and described the man as best as I could , and after some discussion with his family they agreed it must have been Archibald Hunter . He then told me that the man I had seen killed was Mr Grey , Mr Cooper 's brother - in - law , and he thanked me for letting them know who the culprit was . Because of that , he said , we were allies against him , and because of that , and because he knew I was a good worker , he would take care of me , and make sure I came to no harm . I became the companion of his nephew Clark , who is my first mate on this boat , and that is how we developed more of the signs that we created . We learnt everything about commanding a ship , and when the time came he put us in charge of the Sunrise . During this time I tried to write to your parents numerous times , and I even tried to find them in port , but they never replied . Instead I was told by one of Mrs Hunter 's associates to stop bothering her people , and that the Heinleins expressly did not want to see me . I assumed you must hate me for abandoning you , since you would never care whether I was a Cooper or not . I wish I had tried harder , for it never occurred to me that you may have been deceived . So now you see what happened , and how I came to be here . Only one other question remains : why did I board the Endeavour ? I 'm afraid the truth may be hateful for you . Ever since we learnt of each others ' existence , Miss Eynham and I have been at odds . We each have what the other wants . As a relative of Mrs Hunter , she knows Archibald Hunter 's whereabouts , since he has been carefully hidden for years since the murder , and Mr Cooper still seeks justice . I , meanwhile , am one of the few people who know of the whereabouts of a close friend of the Bainbridge family : a man named Alexander Strong . I am sure you will have heard of him . Thus , Miss Eynham and I each have the information that the other desires , and I boarded the Endeavour with the plan to take her and force the information out of her . I did not expect to see you again , though in hindsight I should have known that hers was the ship you would most likely be working on . I 'm sorry if this seems sudden ; I could not resist the opportunity to tell you everything , and explain myself after years of guilt and sadness . Rest assured I do not mean to use you as leverage against Miss Eynham ; you are worth more to me than her . I can find out Archibald Hunter in other ways , but I may never get this opportunity again . Please , I 'm begging you , stay here with me . I will come through an hour after posting this under your door . Ask me anything . I will teach you the language . There are many things you may not know , if my existence has been kept from you . If you cannot stand the thought of remaining on this ship , you are free to leave at the next port , but I beg you not to . I can 't describe what I felt reading this . All I know is that when he opened the door a few minutes later , I ran to him and embraced him , as I should have done at first . He was my Laneham , and finally - after years of deception and shame and heartache for us both - I had him again ! Despite the pity for his past , the anger , and the rumbling fear in my gut when I thought of Isabel and what this all meant - despite that , I was joyous and my heart glowed to have him back . We beamed at each other to know that we were together again . I thought of all the gunshots and shouts I had heard while hiding under deck , and all the sneers I had heard said about the Coopers , and the wild Bainbridge boys , and Marlows and Greys , and most of all about the the stiff and formal and heartless Mr Cooper himself . I couldn 't reconcile that with my Laneham . And there was one part of his letter that I especially could not square with my heart . ' But Laneham … she 's a good person . She … ' I blushed as I heard the words come out of my mouth . ' She 's a wonderful person . ' ' She - she told me why she has the ship , why she 's after Alexander Strong , and I believe she 's right . So … why shouldn 't you tell her where he is ? Especially if it will help you . ' I had to look away . My mind was too full to consider this on top of everything else . Luckily my stomach rumbled and the topic changed . He raised himself from the bed and walked to stand in front of where I was sitting . I nodded and he left . All I remember after that is hearing talk outside the door , of crewmen and the familiar voice of the second in command , still petulant from earlier . Eventually Laneham opened the door again and beckoned me out of the room . I didn 't want to go . It wasn 't until I walked out of the room that I realised how afraid I was of all the other men . They stared at me and winked at each other and I felt both shamed for no reason and terrified for good reason . They tittered . With two steps Laneham strode to him and boxed his ears so he nearly fell into the table , cutting every laugh short . The first mate looked up at me and , in a mechanical manner , introduced every member of the crew - I didn 't even try to remember their names - ending with himself . Laneham nodded and at last we sat down . Eating was a strangled affair . Laneham 's violence had shocked me right through and the contempt of Mr Bainbridge bore into me , along with the sense that all the rest were watching me - sizing me up - leering at the woman . I nudged Laneham . He understood . After dinner I went back to his room and remained there the rest of the night , the many thoughts and worries and considerations stifling me . Isabel , Laneham , Clark , Mrs Hunter , Alexander Strong , Archibald Hunter , Mr Cooper , Laneham 's father 's son , my parents , Jane , Harriet , back to Isabel . It was too much . I eventually escaped into an uneasy sleep , only vaguely noting that Laneham did not return to his room that night . I wanted to laugh but he was so serious that it died in my throat . He put down my breakfast , smiled to cheer me up , and left . As I ate , I pondered how strange it was to have him comforting me , instead of the other way around . It was boredom that drove me out of the room : I couldn 't stand to be alone with my thoughts any longer so I ventured out . The crew pretended not to notice as I walked by , though I could feel their covert glances . They didn 't say a word to me and I was glad . Eventually I found the cargo hold and walked down to it . Clark was there . The next thing I knew I was being pulled off him by two pairs of strong arms as I shouted obscenities at Mr Bainbridge . My blows had nearly knocked him to the floor . He straightened and felt the back of his head , before speaking to one of the people who had come in behind me . I know you . You said something against her . He stepped closer , his back to me , and signed so quickly in Clark 's face that I couldn 't catch anything . Clark looked at the ground and I rejoiced that Laneham had once again taken my side ; but when he turned to me , I saw the same scolding look directed at me as well . I spent the rest of the afternoon doing laundry . Wringing the water and the ache it gave my arms were both satisfying . I hated everything . I wished I was back with Isabel . I wanted her embrace and her kiss more than anything else . The next day was more laundry . I only saw a few of the crew as they came in to take some and give some more . Some tried to thank me but I ignored them all . I sang songs to myself to occupy my thoughts . I didn 't see Clark at all and was grateful for it . When Laneham came to his room that evening , I was sitting in my bloomers and one of his shirts while my dress was drying . I remembered when he had first come to my family and had seemed just as ridiculous , with the sleeves past my hands and collar sloping to one side of my neck and making the entire piece off - centre . He hesitated when he saw me like that , and I was aware that I should cover myself up and tell him to leave but I was lonely and - compared to how naked Isabel and Harriet had seen me ! - I was covered enough , so I beckoned him in to talk . He sat down on the bed and kept his eyes resolutely on my face . We sat on the bed together , eventually moving to lying down , and I talked and talked and grew more confident and animated with time , telling him first quietly about my parents and our ship sinking , then describing each of the girls on the Endeavour , and their lives , and relations , and when I stole Jane 's underwear I laughed at the memory and he smiled and gripped my hand , and finally how Jane left and everything up until I was taken on board . I trailed off . He signed something . His expression was so earnest . I felt - for the first time since I followed him - that my head was clear enough to finally stand back , and look at him , take all of him in . He had changed , but not too much . He smelled of work and sweat , and he was so grown , so muscled and strong , compared to that skinny frightened boy . Underneath his commanding attitude , his contempt for Isabel , and that burst of violence I had seen , there was still the gentle boy I 'd loved , I knew it , but years of men and river feuding had buried him . I wanted him back - I had always wanted him back , and now he was here I would cry if I could not get him back . How could I leave him , after all this time apart , without finding him again ? This was the 250 word challenge for the Leeds Savage book that we 'll be publishing soon . ( The other pieces I submitted for the book were this , this and this ) . I decided to do something a little different from normal , and realised it 'd be good to put here now considering my past 7 updates have all been in first person perspective and this is skewing my image . I 'm really a traditional third - person past kind of writer , but I think third person present and second person are underrated for their immediacy and impact . You 've never understood the term ' sun - kissed . ' For you , the sun has two settings : ' on ' and ' off . ' ' Off ' is the natural state : entire weeks smothered under a dome of cloud , whether there 's rain or none . ' On , ' however , is far worse . ' On ' is burning . ' On ' is sweat and smell and discomfort , and the reminder that you will never be a story - book person who is immune to these things , but are doomed to your sticky , mortal unattractiveness . ' On ' is exposure , being forced to strip to baser layers and show your white - and - purple pimpled flesh . ' On ' is mass exhibitionism and mass judgement , hating every beautiful girl and non - beautiful girl and every topless and non - topless man , and sure you 're hated in turn . ' On ' is glare on your screen and the nagging feeling that you should go out , because You Should , but you have no reason to , so you sit and struggle with You Should and the glare all day . Then you step outside and it is not ' On . ' The temperature wraps around you like a baby 's blanket . There is no harshness or unkindness in the air . The rays touch your arms and your face gently , like a mother , and it is as if the world is hugging you , and saying , ' It 's okay . ' |
I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . I know that for real it has to do with my mental , emotional , and physical pain . All of those wrapped into one , split into pieces , kneaded into each other , and then rolled into a throbbing ball of oneness . I 'm so on edge that one small scrape and I 'm raw and bleeding profusely , figuratively . I cried on the way to the grocery store this morning . Not because I had to go to the grocery store , not because I was worried about being able to afford the trip to the grocery store , not because I was afraid I was going to have an anxiety attack in the grocery store … I cried because I couldn 't not cry . I 'm tired , I 'm not sleeping , I 'm worried about Hub and I 'm worried about Butthead . I 'm worried about myself , too . My grief is overwhelming every part of my life and I can 't seem to dig my way out of it . Hub is agonizing over a job offer - in part because it might mean less flexibility and he worries that he won 't be able to come home if I need him - that he received on Friday . I 'm worried for him because I don 't feel that the company was being up front with him … they kind of bait and switched the job position ( which they apparently did to the guy before him , someone Hub knows ) . I am concerned he won 't have any backup on his work , and I 'm worried because if this is how they treat potential employees , how do they treat current employees . But Hub is unhappy in his current job and looking for a way out . Our health insurance changed due to the buy - out , so he 's both unhappy with the new corporate owners and unhappy with their shitty health insurance . Unfortunately , the potentially new company has equally shitty health insurance … so that kind of cancels out the pro / con in that category . Now they 're not budging on a concession he asked about ( a minor concession on their part ! ) , so that might be the end of that . I only hope that his current corporate overlords don 't decide that he 's no longer needed before he finds something else . Butthead is randomly puking again . I mean , it 's good news that she 's not persistently puking like the last episode where we ended up rushing her to the vet hospital and coming home with anti - vomit pills … But this randomly throwing up ( twice in the last four days … one of which was this morning which was another reason why I was so upset ) is so frustrating . We don 't know if she 's sneaking and eating bad things outside or has gastritis and so her stomach hurts her or what … We 're at the point where we 're acclimating her to a basket muzzle that she 'll have to wear anytime she 's outside so she doesn 't eat crap off the ground and make herself sick . It 's hard and sad to make her wear a muzzle because she 's a good dog , not aggressive , shouldn 't have to wear it . I know it 's uncomfortable and bulky and just plain weird for her , but we don 't know what else to do with her . We can 't figure out what is wrong with her . And if it 's that she 's eating stuff outside that 's making her sick , there 's nothing else we can do other than the muzzle . For the past month or so we 've been out there with her every minute , following her and standing over her and making sure she 's not eating things . But with the snow and ice , and my physical capabilities being limited at this point … I couldn 't keep up with her and I think she might have eaten something that made her vomit last Thursday when I wasn 't standing over her . We just don 't know what to do with her … So I 'm worried that she 's going to vomit again like the last episode . Ugh . So far it 's been these two random episodes and today I spent time on and off modifying the basket muzzle to try to use a quick - snap collar to hold it on her head versus the old - fashioned buckle which is a pain in the ass to get on and off of her , especially with her floppy ears and long hair . Even though I 've been feeling ultra shitty and exhausted , we had to do a bunch of things this weekend . Most of which we accomplished . Unfortunately , one of the things was cleaning up the caulk in our master shower which seemed to be growing mold behind the caulk at the joints of the floor and wall . Hub is not flexible , so he had trouble sitting on the floor and scraping at the caulk , so I did 90 % of it . Which , of course , hurt my arms , shoulders , and hands more than they were already hurting . The end result , though , is that we need to call in a professional to look at our shower because this is the second time in a year that we 've ended up with this problem . Last time my brother helped me strip and re - caulk the shower , but now we 're in the same place again … There 's something wrong if there 's mold and mildew growing behind the caulk , especially since we bought mold - resistant caulk . This all means that we don 't have a shower in our bathroom and we have to haul ass to the shower on the opposite end of the house … past all the windows in the front of the house and over the foyer area of the house . It also means we have to haul all our paraphernalia into the other shower , which is smaller than our master shower . It 's not a huge deal , it 's just more stress . And more stress in having to find someone who knows what they are doing to come into the house to fix whatever is happening . The stupid sub - contractor that our builder hired to do our bathrooms did not know what they were doing . They screwed several things up in our master bathroom and ruined a lot of our shower floor tiles by having to go back and chip out all the wrong grout they put in . So we were left with grout over top of grout , and chipped tiles . And the slope of the floor is really bad , which causes water to pool in different spots in the shower and leaves our grout with water stains where the water sits . It 's shitty and depressing and frustrating . That 's all in addition to whatever this caulk situation is . I have my mammogram on Wednesday . We finally got our health insurance cards from Hub 's new corporate overlords . I opened the mail , found the card , and called for my appointment all within about ten minutes . The first they had was a week away ( now this Wednesday ) and I took the appointment . I am pretty paranoid about keeping up with my mammos , so I 'm glad that it 's only about ten days overdue from the day I had it last year . I was supposed to have a relaxing massage last week . I had it scheduled in between two trigger point appointments … I normally go to TP massage therapy once a month ( ish ) . So I scheduled the relaxing massage exactly two weeks after one TP appointment and two weeks before the next TP appoint . And then it snowed , and my relaxing massage appointment got canceled . And I really really wanted it . I mean , not enough to endanger my therapist or myself , but I 'm so disappointed . I knew this was going to be a difficult month ( technically , it 's been a difficult year so far ) , so I had planned for the relaxing massage - which I never get - and then plans went pfffft . Since my massage therapist only works two days a week , there were no openings for me to do a make - up massage . I don 't know when I 'll be able to fit it in again . I told T on Friday that I want this grief to have some kind of end date . But with every day , every month , it stays . It 's a solid burden that I carry with me every . This month is especially difficult as it 's the ( one year ) anniversary of Mom 's death . And with every calendar day I think of what I was doing on " this " day last year . How we had no idea what was coming . How we took her to an arboretum in the city trying to perk up her spirits … not knowing how soon it would get so bad . How it happened so fast . How I was late to Hub 's birthday dinner last year because I was with Mom and Dad helping them with something . How it was only days after his birthday that she was in the hospital and then hours later that she was gone . Grief has no end date . It plays by no rules . It doesn 't give a shit who you are or what you want . It lives and breathes and grows and growls and harps and hammers and changes and does whatever the hell it wants . And it sucks . I got my eyes checked - for the first time in at least six years - only to find that my prescription has barely changed . In fact , the doctor wanted to roll back my prescription a smidge but I declined . I just picked up my new glasses about an hour ago and when I put them on , I felt weird . I think we ended up a tiny bit stronger , but the technician said it could also be the upgraded coating on the lenses that made me feel funky . I 'll have to ease into the new glasses , which is fine because I still have an old pair to use in the meantime . The new glasses have half - frames , so they should be lighter on my face . The second pair of " new " glasses I got are actually one of my old frames with new lenses . I would say it was cheaper to do it that way , but honestly by the time I picked the first set of new frames , I was so freaking tired of looking at frames that I just told her to put new lenses in my old frames . They were in fine condition and they were going to be my back - up pair anyway . Everyone I worked with at the optometrist kept repeating that I had single vision lenses ( instead of bi - focals ) and they all sounded surprised . Kind of annoying , but honestly the major reason I didn 't go back to get my eyes checked in the last six years is because at 39 years old , the optometrist told me at 40 I 'd be needing bi - focals ( because that 's " the age " ) and I didn 't want bi - focals so I didn 't go back . And here I am , six years later , still no bi - focals . So poo on all of you . Meanwhile , I also hate getting my eyes dilated , but this optometrist had some new - fangled technology that let them take pictures of my eyes and I was able to put off dilation again . Monday we took Le Moo for her annual " senior " check - up at the vet . We took Butthead , too , because we 'd noticed her front two bottom teeth were disappearing . The vet assured me that it wasn 't likely to be the case when we talked in email , but we brought her anyway to make sure . Le Moo is healthy and has lost about 10 % of her weight . She went from 94 pounds to 86 pounds , which we are doing on purpose because as she ages she seems to be more prone to limping after running or playing . She 's a big girl and we 've always had trouble getting her to lose weight , so we gave up and she pretty much maintained a steady weight for all the years we had her . Then we saw the limping issue and we started getting really strict and we 've noticed it paying off . We 'll keep up with it and try to keep her from injury . The vet looked at Butthead 's teeth and said they aren 't disappearing , the gum is growing up over them . Nothing to do unless it bothers her and so far she hasn 't complained . Unfortunately , the vet is 90 minutes away , so it kind of takes up several hours just going , doing the appointment , and coming home . So Hub 's MLK day off was pretty well used it by that . I 'm glad Le Moo is doing well … she 's somewhere around eight years old , which is getting up there in big dog years . And ya 'll know I worry . We 're going to have to get her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ( she 's got bad teeth , yo ) , so we 'll be making that trip again in the next month or so . Yay . So Tuesday was my six month check - up with the gyn onc surgeon . Because of Hub 's status with his company ( they got bought out and are in transition ) , I didn 't want him to have to take a day off to accompany me to an appointment that would likely last less than 15 minutes . So I sent him on his way to work and girded myself for the hour ride to the onc 's office . Under normal circumstances , I would have been nervous but okay to make the trip on my own . I made the appointment for after rush hour and I plotted my route to go on the mostly un - used toll road to avoid further traffic . But … it rained . I knew it was predicted to be " light showers " so I told Hub I 'd be fine on my own . When I got on the road it was lightly showering . Ten minutes in , before I even reached the toll road , it was pouring . And I was sweating bullets , hands clutched on the steering wheel , talking myself into being OK . I don 't like driving in the rain and I hate driving on wet roads . I have been in a full 360 degree skid behind the wheel before and it 's not fun , so I try to avoid driving in weather . In addition , the toll road is 60mph , and the highway that I was supposed to be getting on at the other end is 60mph , with lots of traffic . So when I rolled onto the toll road , I basically planted myself three or four car lengths behind a dump truck and kept speed as comfortably as I could . Halfway along the toll road , the dump truck changed lanes and sped off . WTF . But I stayed steady and with the few cars on the road flying around me , I made it along the toll road . At the other end , I decided to exit early onto a main road that cuts through the city that I knew would have lots of traffic lights and lots of cars , but also slower moving . And I splashed my way along for half an hour until I got to my destination . It was a good thing I left early , and I made it with ten minutes to spare at the doctor 's office . The doctor was " only " 45 minutes late ( we 've actually waited for 2 hours for prior appointments ! ) , he spent less than 10 minLuckily for the trip home it had stopped raining but the roads were all wet . Even so , I made my way along the major highway back to the toll road , and then meandered along the toll road toward my exit . Unfortunately again , the exit ramp I have to take from the toll road to the highway home is a HUGE flyover , which I don 't even like to drive on DRY pavement . Instead I took the exit for the opposite direction which is a normal exit and I turned around at the first traffic light . And I headed home on more regularly traveled roads , which meant I was more comfortable even though the streets were still wet . In March I will go for my mammogram . It 's still hard for me to go to these appointments and to know when I get home that I don 't have my mother to talk to about what happened . I thought it would get easier , but so far it hasn 't . Tomorrow I go for a " consultation " to get my hair did . The salon I selected ( different from the one I used last year … partly because the stylist never answered my queries and now because I find out this new salon has more " organic " hair dye ) wants me to come in to meet the stylist and to let the stylist see my hair and confirm what I want done . If all is well , I go in early on Saturday to get all the colors . ALL THE COLORS . When I was younger I used to box dye my hair all the time , mostly variations on reds because I didn 't like my plain brown hair . At some point I became too ill physically to dye my hair so I stopped . Then I did it a few more times when I was feeling better , but it was a pain in the ass and everything got all stained ( including ME ) and I didn 't really love the results , so I stopped again . One year I went and got my hair all chopped off and then I had the salon dye my hair but … well , I wasn 't really keen on how it looked and it seemed like the color washed out pretty quickly and I didn 't want to waste my money . Only last year did I decide to get something done again and I wanted it to be a little funky to make my mother smile . I got a combo of auburn and violet done , but Mom never noticed and the final look wasn 't as pronounced as I had hoped . Over the past year I haven 't bothered to do anything except let my hair grow out . But after my breast MRI and my colonoscopy and my eye exam , and now my onc follow - up , I knew I wanted to do something fun to celebrate the positive news I 've been getting . I 've been stalking Instagram ( which I don 't use ) for different pictures of what I wanted and I am vacillating between something oil - slick color looking and something more jewel - toned , but there 's definitely gonna be blues and purples and maybe some teal and pink . We 'll see what the stylist says tomorrow . If I can get a picture of before and after , I 'll come back and post them . I 've also gone past my birthday . My father asked me three or four times if I wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday ( he called around lunchtime ) but I kept saying no . I felt bad because I know he likes to go out to dinner and I am sure he felt it was what he could do for me , but I didn 't want to go out . I stood my ground and I thanked him , but said I wanted to chill at home . Hub acquiesced and didn 't do anything special for dinner , but we were together so that was fine . The weather outside was crappy and icy so I was just as happy to stay inside and just BE . My aunt - who doesn 't do so good with the whole grief support thing - called and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes talking about stuff . Two of my three brothers emailed me to wish me happy birthday , and my very old dear friend did the same . But no call from my mom , which was the hardest part . Just knowing the whole day that she wouldn 't be calling and we wouldn 't be talking . It sucked . And now it 's over for another year . Friday I will literally be in therapy while the inauguration is going on . Like I had planned it that way . The rest of the day I will be avoiding all manner of television and radio and social media . Bleh . I am still in a pretty good amount of physical pain . The nausea is still around but it feels like less often , so that 's good . Sleep is still sucky . The imbalance is so - so . My jaw pain is still bad , though . Headaches are not quite as bad . I broke down and saw my massage therapist last week so she could work on the TMJ pain , which worked pretty well for about a day . Next week I go back to her for my regular body - work session . One day I 'm going to schedule a woo - woo relaxing massage with her because she 's damn good at it ( I had one shortly after my mother died as a gift to myself ) and I really want it . I wish my insurance covered that shit because it is physically helpfully to me just like physical therapy was , but it 's not covered . And it 's pretty expensive for an appointment … not that I think it 's overpriced . My massage therapist is a boss and hella good at her job … and she works fucking hard to help me . I can 't even imagine how hard it is on HER body to do the work she does ! I have no idea if she 's in line with other massage therapists , but I know she earns every damn dollar during our appointments . I just realized how long this was . I 'm gonna end it now . I should have broken this up into separate posts , but in my head it all felt related . Thanks for sticking with me . My mother 's birthday was a few days before the holidays . As one of my brothers said to me , " I 'm sure it 's not creeping up on you , either … " And it wasn 't . T thinks that a lot of my pain and anxiety were around the colonoscopy without my mother being there , and because of my mother 's birthday , and because of the holidays without her . Yeah , I knew her birthday was coming . I knew it was going to be bad . I also knew I had somewhat of a plan for the day . Before Mom got sick , when she was still crocheting , she hooked up a bunch of preemie hats for our local hospital 's NICU . At the time , it wasn 't a lot of hats , so we kept saying we were holding off before taking them in . After Mom passed , I took all of the small amounts of yarn I had and crocheted more tiny hats . Then I put them all into a bag and left them in my library . Because I knew what I wanted to do . On Mom 's birthday , I woke up and got dressed . And I called my father to see how he was . He said he was just going to call me because he was going to the cemetery and he wanted to know if I wanted to go . I didn 't really , but I didn 't want him to go alone . So instead of answering him directly , I said if he would take me up to the hospital to drop off the preemie hats , I would go with him to the cemetery . He said okay , so we left about ten minutes later . At the hospital - where my father 's sister ( my aunt ) was admitted and stayed for several days , and where my mother went for her lymphedema wraps - I left Dad in the parking lot and I went inside . At the main desk , they checked me in and directed me to the NICU . As I made my way down the hall , I saw someone walk into the elevator , so I hurried to join her so I could save some time waiting for another elevator . Inside , the woman standing across from me smiled , then looked at the bag in my arms and her smile got wider . She asked me if I was bringing hats to the NICU . I said yes , and her eyes seemed to sparkle . She was heading for the NICU herself … she had twin girls who had been born before Thanksgiving - when they were due after Christmas . I said congratulations and I hoped they were doing well , which she said they were . And she told me , " They brought me to see the girls for the first time , and there they were in hand - knitted hats , and it just made my heart skip a beat . That someone out there did that for me and for them , complete strangers ! " Her smile was so big . When the elevator doors opened , I walked with her down the hall and into the NICU waiting area . I wished her luck and she disappeared behind a door that the nurse unlocked for her . I approached the nurse , who was behind a glass windowed reception area , and I put my bag of 40 hats on the counter in between us . And I announced that I was there to drop off crocheted hats for the babies . In all sizes , all colors , all different types of yarns . The nurse smiled and took the bag , then started going through the hats . She oohed and ahhed over some of them , and even rubbed a few on her cheek and said how soft they were . She told me how wonderful if it was to have them , and wanted to know " how many women are there in your group that made these ? " I laughed and said it was just my mom and me . The sweet woman said , " oh my goodness , please give your mom a hug for me ! " I basically nodded and smiled , gave a wave , and left the unit for the safety of the hallway . It was hard . I tried not to cry as I made my way back through the hospital and out to the car where my father was waiting . Fortunately , he was busy navigating the parking lot and trying to figure out the best way to get to the cemetery , so our conversation was pretty sparse . When we were done and I was home , I cried . I cried because those were the last hats I had from her . I cried because I missed her . I cried because I hated where I was in my life without her . When my mom was going through chemo , I made her a bunch of hats for her to wear after she lost her hair . Years ago , probably six or seven years , before I was crocheting , she was supposed to crochet me an open - weave sweater to wear over a tank top . She never got to it , for various reasons . I don 't even know what happened to the yarn we picked out . She crocheted me a shawl for my brother 's wedding , and added crocheted sleeves to an evening gown for my cousin 's black - tie wedding . So I really have nothing I can wear that she made for me . I wish I did . The last thing she crocheted was a lap blanket that she was expecting to donate , but a few days after she died , I took it . I wrapped it up in tissue paper and put it into a plastic bag that a set of sheets came in , and I put it away in my guest room . It 's in a drawer in my grandparents ' dresser . It 's ugly as sin color - wise , but I can 't bear to part with it . I also have a ruffled ball that was supposed to be for a baby that was a test - project . It 's on a shelf in my bookcase hidden behind some doors with the perfume that I took from her bathroom drawers a few months after she died . I honored my mom as best I could on her birthday . My birthday is coming up soon . Hub usually cooks me a special dinner and he 's been asking me what I want to eat . I kept putting him off , because I honestly do not want to celebrate my birthday . I finally told him I didn 't want anything special on my birthday because I didn 't want to have my birthday . I don 't even want it to be acknowledged , because it 's just another reminder to me that she isn 't here with me . Last year she was in brain radiation on my birthday … she was just getting over the symptoms of the brain mets . We were dealing with the lawyer trying to get my parents ' trusts all finalized and stuff . Last year , five days before my birthday , I had to call an ambulance at 11pm for Hub because he had an episode of paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia ( PSVT ) where his heart rate was sustained up around 225 or 250bpm . They had to stop his heart twice with medication to get it reset . We went to his follow - up appointment with his cardiologist on my birthday . Right now , I 'm in pain . My arms and back and neck and shoulders hurt . I have headaches on an almost daily basis for multiple hours at a time . My hips hurt when I try to sleep . I still have nausea . I still have jaw pain . I still have anxiety over the jaw pain , though it 's not as persistent as it was in the past few weeks . I 'm not sleeping much and I 'm not crocheting because I hurt too much . I 'm not overly religious , but I was raised with religion . I follow many of our traditions but I do not attend services every week . I did not grow up attending services every week . My life now as an adult is pretty close to my life growing up . My family 's traditions and habits stayed with me through the years to now . When my grandfather died , my mother started taking my grandmother to weekly services because my grandmother found comfort in the ritual . And I think it gave my mother special time with her mother . When my grandmother passed away , my mother continued attending weekly services because I think it became comfort to her . She generally attended the services with my father , who only went because she did . Sometimes she went alone , but that was pretty rare . I do not find comfort in weekly services , so I never got into that tradition . I found comfort in my family . That family is in chaos without my mother . I 'm angry at God for taking my mother away . I 'm angry at God for not giving me the ability to heal her . I 'm angry at God for leaving me with this emptiness , this pain , this loneliness . I 'm angry at God for putting my father through his own personal hell . I 've had previous tiffs with God . When I first got sick , I was so involved with being sick that I didn 't have time to think about God 's part in it . When I got sick again - more on top of the first illness - I was tired and I wanted to just give up . I didn 't think about why I was sick , only that I was . But as the years went on and my chronic pain and other chronic issues continued , I got mad at God . Why was He letting me be in pain all the time ? Why wasn 't He helping the doctors figure out what was wrong with me and how to help me ? Why did He give my grandfather leukemia ? Why did He let my grandfather suffer ? And why did He let my grandfather die at only 82 years old ? Why did He give my grandmother an eye disease that left her mostly blind ? And then the stroke ? And the dementia ? Why did He let her linger year after year , lost in her own mind , needing others to care for her physical body because she was no longer able ? My uncle , my aunt … on and on . Why the cancer released on my mother 's body ? Why did it have to be so aggressive ? Why so fast , so hard ? Why did it have to ruin her body and her mind at the end ? Why did He have to take her away from us ? I know a lot of people who find comfort in their faith . Some give all their problems to God and accept whatever the answer is . I don 't know how to do that . I don 't know how to get past the anger . I 'm not saying I spend my days raging at God , because I don 't . But there are days when I sure want to rage and scream and ask WHY WHY WHY . How do I have trust in God and in a universe that has stolen my mother from me ? I watch commercials and I 'm angry at kids with their mothers . When I 'm out in stores I silently scream at kids with their mothers , wanting them to relish their time together because it won 't last . I 'm jealous of Hub , who has his mother in his life . I 'm so pissed off that my brothers had my mother in their lives longer than I did . I know these are petty things and don 't change what happened , but they are more reasons why I question God and faith and religion . So many things in life I can attribute to decisions made by human beings . Why the election results ? Too many people made the wrong decision . Why are people being killed in our cities ? Too many people make wrong decisions , do bad things , trust the wrong people . Why did my mother get an aggressive and rare form of cancer that took her away from me too fast and too early ? I can 't blame that on a person or a decision . I can 't point to something and say , " oh that 's it ! that 's why she 's dead and I 'm living my life without her and my father is barely living a life at all … " Who else is there to look to ? Who else was there to make the choice to give her cancer and take her away other than God ? Is any of this rational ? Is anger at God rational ? Does God even care if I 'm angry at Him ? Does God even care at all ? Am I terrible for even asking these questions or feeling these feelings ? Hub often calls himself a heathen . He grew up with religion because his mother ( and then his step - father ) were religious . But he was very turned off as a youngster by the religious leaders in his community and he moved away from his religion . At this point I think he considers himself to be agnostic , though he deeply respects my feelings for my religion and traditions . These days I can more clearly understand his feelings , though not because of any religious leaders , but more because of my current predicament . Despite my mother 's faith in her religion for most of her life , I don 't really know how she came to grips with any of this during her illness . It wasn 't something we discussed , mostly because I 'm not sure she wanted to think about dying . At the end , I don 't know how much of her mind was still there , so I 'm not sure she had time to question her faith . Even when we were at the point that the cancer had spread and there was no other medical intervention available , I don 't really know that she knew that . None of us wanted to say that outright to her , and when she didn 't ask specifically , we kept the information to ourselves . In those final days when her mind was still with her , we didn 't talk about the fact that her death was imminent . I had a very very bad night last night . Even before I was ready to go to sleep , I was feeling uncomfortable . My hands and arms were tingling , or feeling like they were going to be tingling , and no amount of moving them or rubbing them or moving around made it better . Hub went off to sleep , with an early morning alarm to go to an on - site meeting that required a two hour commute ( each way ) . I sat up for a while because my right elbow started hurting . Then my left inner arm starting hurting . The tingling was still going on in both hands . I was so unhappy . I couldn 't lie down and get comfortable , so I kept sitting up in the dark ( I had turned the TV off by about midnight in the hopes that I could go to sleep ) . I was rubbing my hands and bending my elbow repeatedly . And I did the worst thing I could do . I thought I remembered that pain in your elbow was a symptom of a heart attack , so I looked it up . And it was … and I knew immediately I 'd made a mistake by confirming that , and I turned my phone off immediately . I tried again to go to sleep but now both arms were hurting , the elbow , all the tingling , and my body was getting weary from sitting up for so long . I hadn 't slept a wink . At one - thirty a . m . , I had a panic attack in my pitch black bedroom , with my husband snoring beside me . This panic attack in particular consisted of violent trembling of all my limbs . I knew what it was and I let it come because I had hoped it would tire me out and let me give in to sleep . Instead , all the symptoms I 'd had before the attack were still there … and I still couldn 't get comfortable enough to sleep . So I sat up for another hour or so and ended up with a second panic attack . Same violent trembling and fear , with all my pain symptoms still hanging on afterward . So I woke Hub up and told him I needed to call an ambulance , because I was feeling really poorly , I felt short of breath at that point , and all my other symptoms remained . While he got dressed and went to the bathroom , I pulled on some clothes and tried to get downstairs to wait for him . He called 911 , requested the ambulance , then called my father so he could take care of our dogs . It was about three thirty in the morning . I wish I could say the EMTs were kind and compassionate when they arrived , but they weren 't . The lead guy started asking me what was going on , and I told him . He immediately asked me if I had any history of anxiety … which I said I did , but that it was well - controlled most of the time . And that my symptoms had all come about prior to any feelings of anxiety . He told me to follow him to the ambulance - Hub helped me out through the garage while the EMT just walked off - and told me to get in through the side door ( again , Hub helped me up the steep steps ) . Inside the ambulance , the EMT hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff and oxygen finger thingy , then started asking me questions again . He kept telling me that my tingling and pain could be from anxiety , and I kept telling him the tingling and pain were PRIOR to me feeling anxiety . My vitals were pretty high , so he directed me to work on my labored breathing while he filled out some chart and told me he and his partner didn 't usually work our local area . As my vitals came down a little , he announced that maybe I wanted to just go back in the house and let them go back to the station . " We 're not in the habit of kidnapping people and taking them to the hospital if they don 't want to go … " I just stared at him . I was giving him information on " bilateral " arm pain , shortness of breath , tingling in both arms and hands … and he was telling me to go back to my house . I told him in no uncertain terms that I was very familiar with my anxiety and that this wasn 't anxiety … and that I wanted to go to the ER to find out what was going on . He kind of sighed and said , " okay , but you need to keep working on your breathing and anxiety so once the doctor sees you , they can evaluate you without the anxiety in the way . " Then during the ride to the ER , he asked me , " how many times have you done this ? gone to the ER in the ambulance ? " I said , " this is the first time . " All he said was , " Oh . " At the ER triage , he told the nurse FIRST that I had a history of anxiety . During his recitation of my history and presenting pain , he told her at least two more times that I had a " previous history of anxiety " . They took me to a room and told me to scoot from their gurney to the hospital room bed , then said , " the nurse will see you at some point . " and they left . Hub FINALLY found me a few minutes later , without any assistance from any of the nurses or the EMTs , who were all standing around chatting at the nurses ' desk . We sat in the room and waited for about half an hour ( or 45 minutes ? ) before the nurse and PA came in to see me at the same time . The PA started asking me questions about how I was feeling , then looked at the computer and said , " You have anxiety issues ? " I said yes , but that this was not the anxiety , that I have been managing my anxiety extremely well for quite some time - the PA looked at Hub as if she was expecting him to argue with me , but he confirmed what I was saying . So the PA said , " why don 't you let us get you started on some fluids and some anxiety medication ? " I said , " no , I don 't take medication for my anxiety . I manage it without medication . " The PA looked dumbfounded , and wanted to know what she was supposed to do . I told her that I was afraid the pain was symptomatic of a heart attack , and I wanted her to check to see if that 's what was going on … or if it was something else and WHAT the something else might be . The PA asked again about giving me anxiety meds , or something for the pain in my arms . I said I didn 't want pain meds ( which she told me would be anxiety medication anyway ) , that I had anxiety medication at home but that I didn 't take it . Again , I got a look from the PA that said she was sure I had lost my mind . At this point , the nurse stepped in and said , " oh , I do the same thing . I carry my klonipin with me all the time , but I haven 't used it in years . " The PA looked both confused and annoyed at that point . I told her I wanted to know what was going on , what the pain was and why was I feeling really poorly . So she said she 'd order the EKG , bloodwork , heart enzymes , and a chest and neck xray to see if there was anything going on there . She left the room , and seriously ? That was the last time I saw her . We were there for another two and a half hours and she never came back into the room . Neither did a doctor . The nurse took care of us , did the EKG and told Hub about thirty minutes later that an attending said it was normal . She did the blood draw and then told us about an hour later that the results were all clean . She took me to get the xray ( because their orderly was MIA ) and she was the one who came back to say the xray was fine and I could go home . In the time we were there , she was in and out of our room a lot , talking with us about her history of anxiety , and how people who had never dealt with it didn 't understand . That she knew what I was saying , and how I was feeling about the meds , and how she understood that I was identifying pain not associated with my anxiety . I felt so demoralized by the EMTs , the PA , and the other staff there ( not including the good nurse ) . I am very open and honest about my anxiety . I feel it 's important for medical personnel to know my history in full , which includes my anxiety . I 'm so disappointed that doing so in this instance gave the EMTs and the PA the reasoning ( in their minds ) to shove me aside , to not take me seriously , and to abandon my care . We were released from the hospital and got home around six forty - five in the morning . Hub had to bow out of his meetings , he retrieved the dogs from my father 's house , and we both went back to bed . I slept for about two hours , then dozed fitfully for a little while after that . When I woke up and went downstairs to have some lunch , I found that I still had all the same symptoms as the night before . The tingling comes and goes - and is in my legs and feet and sometimes in my face - my back is hurting , I 've had a headache on and off . I don 't know what 's going on . Hub reminded me today that fall is usually when I get a pretty bad flare of my myofascial pain syndrome . So is that what this is ? The pain is in different places and the tingling is new . Of course I know that my MPS symptoms have changed over the 15 years I 've had it , but this all feels different . I don 't know why I feel that way , but I do . Now … I 'm tired . I hope I will sleep . Hub is working from home tomorrow for most of the day , I have the massage therapist , then I 'll be alone for a bit while Hub is visiting a client . Well , the dogs will be with me and my father is nearby , but I 'll have to take care of the dogs and feed them and stuff on my own . Hopefully I 'll feel up to it . I saw T for my appointment on Friday and I pretty much cried through the whole thing . She tried to reassure me that what I 'm dealing with is grief , not a major depressive episode . It 's also combined with where I am in my life , which is kind of lost and stagnant . I 've been struggling with finding my purpose - or reclaiming it if that 's the case - and she thinks that is making me feel worse . I miss my mother . I miss her love and her support and her company . I am tired of being unhappy with who I am . I 'm tired of being unhappy with how I feel about myself . I cried for all of it . I cried on the way home , too . I felt weepy most of the day . Then again , I 've felt weepy pretty much all the time the last couple of weeks . When I woke up Friday morning , I found that our upstairs air conditioning had frozen over . Again . For the last three ( or four maybe ) years , the system has frozen over at least twice during the summer season . Initially , we were told finding a small leak was near to impossible , and we should just refill the refrigerant unless is became an on - going issue . When it became an on - going issue , they tried to find the leak but couldn 't . We 've been through several different HVAC companies , and no one could find a leak . We were told it was probably in the attic in the line that runs between the outside unit and the inside unit . The only way to " fix " that was to replace it entirely . Entirely $ $ $ $ . So the second time it froze over this season , we tried a " sealant " along with a dye , to try to trace the leak . No surprise based on our luck , the sealant didn 't work and Friday morning I saw the ice building up on the system again . Talk about wanting to cry . Not only does it mean more bullshit to deal with , but it also means no air conditioning on our bedroom level . And no a / c means no sleep . If I try to sleep on the main level where there IS a / c , I can 't get comfortable and therefore no sleep . The HVAC guy came back today ( that was three days with no a / c in our bedroom ) and told us that he found evidence of leaks in the unit inside the house . So now we have to scrape up money to pay for that repair … the part was barely under warranty ( somehow we got stuck with a crap warranty for five years instead of ten ) but labor is never under warranty . I had to go find some kind of proof of when the unit was purchased because basically we are at 4 years and 11 months . Stupid jerks . Now it 's a couple of days before the part is in and then we schedule for the work to be done . We 've been sleeping with the windows open at night , since the weather has cooled off somewhat . Unfortunately , that means my allergies get triggered . And the upstairs gets humid , because air movement is limited . We have NO cross - breeze possible in our bedroom . Boo . I have summer allergies and I have mold allergies . So no matter what , I 'm feeling it and now I feel like my bedroom is just coated in allergens from having the windows open . Ugh . I feel like I 'm a walking vat of injury and tears and pain . My stomach is giving me trouble . Not in the normal way , but in a spot of pain that is showing up in a weird place . It 's not an area I 've had pain in before … and I can 't identify what is causing it . I hate that . I 'm having some other uncomfortable pain in uncomfortable places that aren 't really proper to discuss with people . I 'm not sure why , but it 's just more to irritate me . There 's a spot on my back shoulder that 's getting rubbed by my bra , and even when I try to sleep it 's irritated . What 's wrong with me these days ? I 've known my body has been falling apart for years , but this is a whole new slew of stuff . Unfamiliar stuff . I 'm tired . I want to go to bed . The room is too hot for that during the day , even if I were to do it . |
I can tell you the steps , the baby steps , he made across the line into that first pumping valve . The first memory is taking him to see The Hollywood Stones in winter of 2012 . The Hollywood Stones , once called Sticky Fingers , is the Rolling Stones cover band who first introduced me to the music back in 2001 in Pomona . I liked it . When I saw them last year on the Queen Mary , I had familiarized myself with the albums " Sticky Fingers " and " Let It Bleed " just because they ushered me through the door . I schedule my entire month around seeing them . As I once said to their saxophone player outside an Orange County steakhouse , " Hearing ' Can 't You Hear Me Knockin ' live is just a gift . " Once , the mentor , who broke my heart and leveled my self - esteem with her post - semester evaluation , invited me to her house for a reading in her Topanga home . It was the perfect opportunity to touch base with her again and give some credibility to my commitment as a writer . When I saw that The Hollywood Stones were playing the same night , I looked over at Michael . " Should I pretend to struggle over this decision ? " I scratched out my old mentor 's event and wrote HOLLYWOOD STONES on my wall calendar . When I dance , when I dance to the music , it becomes my religion . That is when I feel the most alive . The first night I took Michael to see them I knew that it would be a good indicator of where we would end up . Abe , my ex , would quickly run and hide during my dances . Was it out of fear or embarrassment ? I never really figured it out . Michael was ordering us drinks when the Stones hit their first song on stage . I was walking out of the bathroom and I felt the eyes of the band on me . It was a small venue . I am always the first to dance during the first song . And I am always alone . I looked over to the bar and waved in Michael 's direction then started dancing . Michael creeped on the dance floor in my winter 's jacket . He was wearing it so I wouldn 't have to lug it around . I stopped to smile at him , as he sauntered on the floor towards me , sliding each sleeve up his forearm . I looked at the lead singer , Dick Swagger , and I watched him smile . Another was on New Year 's Eve in a gay bar called Akbar . It was free and a last ditch effort during a busy dog walking season . Michael , Trent ( my gay boyfriend ) and myself all walked in knowing the DJs were usually hit and miss . This night it was Elton John , The Animals , The Monkees , The Black Keys , Jet and even Nancy Sinatra . We had a bag of cocaine on us and Michael was regularly excusing himself to the bathroom to take a few bumps . He never did . When Whitney Houston came on , Michael knew he couldn 't leave the dance floor , so he cleared the stage in front of the DJ and set up lines for himself in front of everyone . I admire that fearlessness . I worry , but I still admire . Another favorite moment of us , in this rather young relationship , is coming home from the AWP conference in Boston . It is a conference for writers and publishers . He picked me up from the airport . At the baggage claim , I watched him looking for me . As soon as he saw me , he grabbed my arm with such force it almost hurt . He yanked me in for a hard kiss . A real kiss . The kind you see on TV and convince yourself don 't really exist . I kissed him back , forgetting the department head and president of my school were there waiting for their baggage too . When I opened my eyes , his arm swung up in my face … with flowers . There was the negative as well . Michael doesn 't understand why I maintain contact with my ex - boyfriends , ex - lovers . I told him , " I don 't know how you can be intimate with someone and not stay in touch . How can you stop caring ? " In fact , Michael was no longer in contact with the girl he was going to move back to Milwaukee for before we started seeing each other . I knew she was upset at him from various angry , bleeping text messages around the holidays . That always bugged me . Other things , as it did with other cohabitating partners , bothered me ; eating cereal next to my head as he stood over me to read while I was writing , this tick of pulling and sniffing on his nostrils , and gagging himself with a toothbrush while brushing . The clanking of his spoon against the bowl . ( That isn 't specific to him , my roommate Frank is creating the same jarring sound from the living room as I write this ) His rearrangement of my garments in the dresser . Little things bothered me , but they never really contended with his undying love and devotion . Whenever you consolidate your life with someone else 's life , there is friction . It is difficult talking about how I love people . Last year , I was really hurt with many people . My roommate hung himself and died . My ex - boyfriend broke up with me a few days before agreeing to move in with me and take me to his cousin 's wedding . My parents kicked me out with no money or shelter . All that happens to a broke girl is a kick into survival mode . You still have affection for people , but you don 't invite them into your soul anymore . It is a liability . And , at that point , it would be just plain stupid . Michael 's mother gave us a timeshare for a Disneyland tower . I stocked up on my favorite drugs ; MDMA , acid and Ecstasy . Acid , for some reason , is in low supply in Los Angeles . Luckily , my roommate Frank had two cubes of sugar he was saving in a friend 's freezer . We arrived . I was in a pink sock hat , heart pajama bottoms and a Doors shirt with a Hunter S . Thompson biography and a stack of oreo cookies under my arm . I expected the Disney staff to either be over - serving in typical Corporate - Magic fashion or ignore us . Instead , the staff seemed to know exactly why we were there . What a pleasant surprise . They were kind , assuming a lower but friendly tone with us as we were escorted to our hotel room . We got in and watched the afternoon burn off . When we woke up in the middle of the night after beer , Taco Bell and a nap I wanted to take the acid . Michael was reluctant , wanting to wait until we were in the park . The drugs would hit me long and hard . My friends know that drugs hit me in " a weird way . " I don 't know if it is my brain chemistry or what exactly , but I get a bang for my buck no matter what . That is why I always dose low and slow . Even things like cough syrup and tylenol were given to me in minimal and controlled doses as a child . I dosed and Michael followed soon after . One of my favorite things to do is watch old Looney Tunes episodes on psychedelics . We had the pleasure of an old Sylvester the cat episode . When acid kicks in , you know . The colors start getting strong . So strong they almost leap out of your television set . You laugh so hard you start uncontrollably cackling until tears cool down your face . All of this happened in the course of one hour , but not with Michael . Sylvester is after the mouse , but somehow the mouse was able to substitute himself for a kangaroo . Of course , the house bull dog has no sympathy for Sylvester . Scared over a mouse ? Get in there and do your job ! Sylvester gets the shit kicked out of him , and when the bull dog sees the kangaroo , he grabs Sylvester by the scruff and drops them both on the back of the truck . " When you start seeing a 5 - foot mouse , then its time to jump on the water wagon . " Both Sylvester and the dog look defeated as they are carted away . This was hysterical , and I couldn 't stop laughing . How things happened and in what order I am not sure . I accidentally hit a switch on the wall , and our bed boards lit up with electronic fireworks and a lit Disney castle to the hard , strained chords of a music box orchestra . We were both astonished . I had to leave for a cigarette and be by myself . I know Michael wasn 't feeling it and was quite disappointed . So I walked outside and smoked next to a few potted trees in a huge , empty , concrete parking lot . It was 4am so no one was there but the night crew . I looked at a bush next to the ashtray . " You just want to be free to grow , huh ? I understand . " Everything seemed so controlled and fake . Sectioned and tarred . I smoked two cigarettes and watched the night time sprinklers go on . I watched the leaves dance for water and touched their pointing tips to feel some life in this endless parking lot . " I am sorry , " I whispered . I walked back into the hotel and got in the elevator with a Hispanic man from the cleaning crew . My pupils were the size of dimes . " These graveyard shifts will shorten your lifespan , man , " I said . He giggled . The elevator doors opened to Michael , waving his arms . He was worried about me . After huffing and puffing , he took off down the hallway to our room . " Have a good night , " the night man smiled . We got back in the room and I laughed off his tantrum . I was only gone for 20 minutes , the acid was expanding his time . " I was really worried about you . Like , where were you , man ? " He was adopting my dated vocabulary . He calmed down after 10 or 15 minutes of panting and complaining . We hugged and kissed . When he had to poop , I dragged the chair into the bathroom and sat outside the toilet door because I didn 't want to be alone . It wasn 't just that . Something is vulnerable about a man on the shitter . He kept the door closed but we giggled so hard , I toppled over on the chair as it rocked clumsily between bathroom tiles on the floor . Suddenly famished , we ordered room service ( something we couldn 't afford ) and the cart never made it as far as the beds before we fed off the table in the hallway . It was a great first night . He enjoyed a California omelet . I inhaled fresh fruit and oatmeal . " I can understand now how someone like Lindsay Lohan can blow all her money in a hotel . " When we were done , the sun was rising and we decided it was no better time to unleash ourselves into the park . We were allotted early entrance as Disney residents . I always hit Storybookland first . Mr . Toad and his Wild Ride . Sleeping Beauty . Snow White . Pinocchio . And Peter Pan . Jesus , those rides are like flipping through old library pages in the early 80s . In the 2010s , themes of crystals and the occult are evident . On acid , it is a lift to the curtain . Instead of the characters coming alive , I was more aware of the squeaky wheels under the ride . The flimsy cardboard as each sun - bleached character clumsily stumbled towards us before spinning away . The paint on the wall was of someone with talent but not allowed artistry . On acid , in Disneyland , you would like to believe everything comes alive . It doesn 't . Everything is revealed as it truly is : a farce . It was easier to surrender my imagination sober . Under the influence of psychedelics , all I could see was man instead of imagination . My mother worked at a dentistry school in Milwaukee , Wisconsin . I was never allowed to eat a cookie without a glass of milk . To this day , the association of sugar without a cleaning entity leaves me feeling dirty . Cotton candy , sugar cereal and cookies were among the many offenders of bad teeth . We rode the Merry - Go - Round . We happened across a horse drawn cart . I saw the horse and felt an immediate kinship . " I want to touch that horse . " I sighed . " I love you , " I called to the horse . It bucked it 's head and vanilla mane towards me like it understood . I stomped away on the cobblestone path to Buffalo Bill 's Wild , Wild West . The Petting Zoo was closed . We hit the Pirates of the Caribbean and I watched as the pirate chasing women was now changed to pirates chasing each other while holding a stolen treasure . The " Buy A Wife " still remains , with one woman in a brazen , red dress eager for purchase . A child cried . " It 's ok , " I said , " It just called sex slavery . " We hit the Haunted Mansion , which was the one time I was not able to carry myself . It was completely dark and the pathway started moving . I asked Michael to hold on to me so I wouldn 't fall . " Are you freaking out ? " he asked . Afterward , Michael had to smoke , so all the smokers huddled in a corner by Autotopia to suck on cancer sticks . I wasn 't interested . " Are you not feeling it ? " I said . I gave him his pill 20 minutes before giving in on mine . I was still on the tail coats of acid but there was no denying it was a weak dose . The ecstasy hit him on The Matterhorn . I was sitting behind him in a bumpy bobsled . A white , hairy creature would sometimes coast out on rickety rails and clinking wheels with his hands raised in claws and his eyes burning red . As we whipped around snow - capped mountains , I watched Michael raise both hands as they gracefully lowered to either side of him , middle fingertip pressed to thumb in some kind of meditation pose . I will never forget that . I knew the ecstasy hit him as soon as he reached zen on the Matterhorn . I chuckled even though he couldn 't hear me on the rattling ride as we swept through , under and over mountains modeled poorly after the Swiss Alps . We went to Indiana Jones , which is still one of the best rides at Disneyland . We still ducked when feeling the air from blow darts . The rock rolling towards us still felt believable in the second before the ride drops below it . We took Mark Twain 's Riverboat to Tom Sawyer 's Island . We got over there and all we could do was sit in the sunshine and kiss . " Ewwww " a little girl screamed , pointing . We both turned to her and laughed . It was just a lovely afternoon . Ecstasy gives you a bigger lift than Molly ( MDMA ) . You feel like you could fly with laughter , like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory . Back on the Mainland ( Disneyland ) , there wasn 't much left to do . We made an appearance at Tomorrowland , though Space Mountain was more than I could admittedly deal with . Alice in Wonderland was a much needed stop . It 's a Small World . The Ecstasy had triggered strong maternal feelings and I was kissing the air within a few feet of stranger 's children . I am not sure I want children , but I can tell you they are amazing human beings . They wore their pajamas . They ate their lollipops without inhibition , often leaving hard candy raindrops on their face and pants . They smiled when I smiled at them and cried only to their parents . All of them were carted in strollers , which was a bizarre sight . Children , all the way up to 10 years of age , were being carted around in rented strollers … not for fatigue but for speed and efficiency in the parents ' best interest . Stumbling on stroller parking was still one of the most bizarre sights I have seen . It seems we are rapidly approaching the life and times of Wall - E . It was mid - afternoon when we took the tram back to our hotel room for lovemaking . Of course , the drugs had stripped me of all disguise and left me much like a little girl abandoned in a grocery store . I cried in the middle of lovemaking , walked to the other side of the suite and returned to Michael . This happened about four or five times in succession . Michael was patient . " Work it out , baby , " he said , laying on the bed naked . His head pressed against the headboard with his thick , black hair brushed up and over his head like an Outsider from the 50s . His Italian eyes I once thought looked sad . Now , they looked heavy with seduction . Those eyes brought me back , though . His arm was hung around the back of his head , stretching his biceps , almost forlornly watching . He didn 't try to wrangle me or cajole me back to the bed . He just watched me , feeling bad when I cried and satisfied when I returned . Recently , I watched " Scarface " and realized Michael had AL Pacino 's eyes . He knew I would be back and gave me the space to mourn my loss . When I wept , I don 't know what he thought I was thinking of or feeling . I can tell you the recurring memory was my parents kicking me out . If my parents can abandon me , anyone can . I had to cry it out , pathetically , naked , alone , next to the ice box and empty champagne bottle . I needed to work it out . We made love . We watched the Princess Story Time on the Resident Only Disney Channel . " Why is she using that voice ? Doesn 't she know kids don 't like being condescended to ? I can 't bear this . " I took an MDMA pill . My serotonin was already depleted from the Ecstasy . However , I was launched into a world of floating pillows and white bed sheets like Jasmine the Agrabah princess . I couldn 't raise my physical senses any higher , but napped and levitated until the sun set . Love for a women is immediate . She opens her body to pregnancy and disease on the word of a man . She sacrifices her pulse and movement to a man , as he enters her . Men don 't experience this , though themselves are made of flesh , blood and bone . Words , you see , amount to nothing . It was much later in our relationship , in June , when I was having a nervous breakdown about residency , about love , life and rejection , that Michael invited me into the bathroom . " Do you want to watch me poop ? Would that make you feel better ? " I pulled a chair into our tiny bathroom and sat there holding his hand when I heard the first plop . I was crying all night and suddenly smiled . He could reveal as much of himself as I needed to … in order to love again . I thought about Trent on top of a rock , bringing up the Israeli Man he had an affair with again . He said , " I know it was him that gave me genital warts . He was the only one I had unprotected sex with and he was always out , calling me , talking about the boys he was picking up . He was an asshole . I remember sitting in his car with him and he answered his phone . I know he was talking to his kid , I could hear it . And he was just lying . That 's when I said this has to stop , this is wrong . " At some point in the day , I mentioned the Prophet to Trent . When I was still married ( separated ) and obsessed with Eric ( The Prophet ) , I came over to his apartment in the middle of the night . When I answered the door , he had a brown blanket over his head and draping around his arms like a shroud . When I shared it with Trent out of the blue , it was almost as if he could see my memory too , and he laughed . Trent , " He was cute , just a cute boy . " In the moment , I felt like he could see my stories like a photo album across his lap . I nodded and smiled . He was just a boy , by now he must be a man . The dawn was coming through the tent now . I had to go to the bathroom again , but there was rustling and voices with the rising sun . I held my digestive turmoil with all my abdominal muscle until the all - American family and Mrs . Ruining Our Trip broke down their tent and left . Trent would cackle and squeal at my jokes , like a car that was spinning in figure - 8s . Abe was quiet , and sometimes surrendered a delayed laugh . He was late to the party and interrupting our rhythm , trying to find a way to fit in . Abe , " So , I just got back from my grandfather 's place in Kern and they told me about the Muslims . Apparently , they are really trying to take everything over . Its like an assault on our culture . They actually want to be able to pray during work hours - " Abe isn 't stupid , he is naive . My father 's first impression was , " He is still molding his thoughts about life . He is very malleable . " We drove out to the Cholla Cactus Garden . Time was expanding and we kept wondering if we passed the cactus garden . Trent 's body needed a bathroom immediately . As we carefully stepped through the cactus garden , the odd colors painting the land with thorns and buds waiting for bloom , I quietly sang , “♪♫ People are strange , when you 're a stranger , faces look ugly , when you 're alone . Women seem wicked , when you 're unwanted . Streets are uneven , when you 're down . . . ♪♫ " Trent and I paused and then giggled , and I said , " Geez . Stop being such a white man . You don 't have to dominate and kill the beauty . Learn from our ways . " We drove Abe back to his parked car at Hidden Valley and he followed us out of the park . We stopped at the first gas station . Trent went inside . Trent , " No , and she hasn 't written me back about it . Its a lot of money . . . Oh , someone can take my shift tomorrow . Maybe I will do that . " He wasn 't really listening . His phone had its hand around his throat now , bending his face down and staring into his eyes . The magic was slipping away from the desert and technology introduced a new set of feelings ; anxiety , time and demand . I said , " Stop . Stop . What 's done is done . You couldn 't move in with me . I am moving back home now , it 's settled . I am at peace with that . " I said , " No , now I am tired and it 's only going to get worse . I didn 't sleep at all last night . Its better that we head back now so I can just go to sleep . " He didn 't forget . He just didn 't mention it . My heart was set on taking him home with me to finish out the MDMA with love , dogs and sex . I said , " Great , well thanks for coming out . " I started the engine . He faltered at the passenger side and said , " Um . . ok , be careful . " I tried to think about what I learned . Alan said , " I always like to think about what I want to come out with before I start [ tripping ] . " I don 't really take that approach , part of the adventure is finding something you don 't expect . I had to sleep . Sleep would settle my mind , and erode my anger . Sleep would align my body back with my soul so I could see , once again , what my future might bring . August 17 , 2011 · 8 : 37 am Let Vomiting Dogs Lie and Never . . . Ever Do Cocaine Let 's go back to a week ago , when I was in Alan 's apartment on a misty Friday morning and I received a text message from Trent . He and Kent got into a fight , the cops were called , and Trent was hurt again . He asked if I was up , which I was because Alan had class at 7am . So Trent called and we spoke . He was in a bad place . The two of them , locked up in a one room apartment with cocaine , adderall and alcohol finally exploded . I don 't care who you are , if you are in the same room for a long time with one person , even if you are in love , and you are putting that shit in your body endlessly - it will explode . Trent has been living there for the last few months , and because his hand and wrist were so badly injured , he has been out of work . School was out of session and Trent got lost in Kent 's life . Its ridiculous that their names rhyme but I didn 't catch that til after I already established Kent as a character . Trent doesn 't have a car , didn 't have a job and lived inside of someone else . In the end , I think he felt like he lost control and lost himself . I can 't speak for Kent other than I know that I love him , Trent loves him . Whatever happened between them is their business and I don 't believe in judgment or sides or defriending or any of that bullshit . People are people , and we are all held hostage by emotion and circumstance . We all do our best to do the right thing , and if there was love , there is worth . I knew the state of mind Trent was in . He had just broken up with his first real love . He had to move back in with his mother . He thought he was lost , but I still had my hand on him in the dark . I tried to remind him of the light up ahead . I was stuck in San Diego too far away to comfort my friend , who was crying on the phone . He was mumbling and slurring , so I couldn 't hear him very well . I kept saying , " I wish I was there . " And Alan would listen within earshot , as he packed his books and walked the dogs . It was just a sad morning . That night , when Alan and I made love . There was blood . I 've been spotting for 3 weeks , part of being on the pill . He saw it on his hand , looked up at me and said , " Yeah , I 'm done . " I showered and went to sleep . He claimed I horse kicked him a couple times in my sleep . I have no memory of that - but sometimes I do things in my sleep . When we woke up , we kept a respected distance . He made a joke , he explained that he was squeamish , and I shut down . Any form of sexual rejection for a girl is kind of unacceptable . It is on such a rare occasion that when it does happen , you feel like your vagina ( and soul ) is covered in slime . He took a volcano bag into the bathroom with him for a good hour while he showered and I thought as I bled . Everything was so intense . I was still processing losing Em 's friendship and now possibly Kent 's . You feel those walls build up around you and block your vision . So I took half a valium and smoked a bowl . When I got back home , I spent two weeks working at Doggie Daycare and arranging a move . A girl at work was willing to sublet a room with a private entrance to me , I get to keep my dogs , I get to live in the mountains and it will only cost me a fraction of what my rent costs now . It will save me , even if my unemployment benefits are severed . And I would say , " She just spent 10 days roaming the neighborhood rooftops with other cats and squirrels . Trust me , she is not miserable . She is sleeping . " He said , " I thought so . " He said it with that weight like . . . then you aren 't a real actor . There is a mentality with actors and anyone in LA who hears you say , " I am trying to be an actor . " Everyone behaves like you have to make this one elected career field more important than any other aspect of your life . Well guess what , LIFE is what feeds the ACTING and the WRITING . Without life , there is no art . You isolate from life , you are nothing but a want - to - be celebrity . Ask Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep if they love their kids more than acting ? Do you think it compromises their craft ? Of course not , you moronic piece of trash ! But , what am I going to do ? Argue with some degenerate from Baltimore whose loud voice and poor grammar were belting out my living room window in the middle of the night . He was making my small haven low class and embarrassing me in front of my neighbors . I said , " The only people I can think of whose lives are in need of serious readjustment are people who hurt other people or themselves . That 's it . I can 't think of anyone personally I know who needs to change their life . I just assume everyone is doing what they need to do . " Me , " My Pandora is now maxed out for the rest of the month , so I 'm sorry . No music . " He played my profile until my hours expired without apology or afterthought . He even added a few channels tailored for his own musical taste . He must have been very comfortable here . Before heading down to San Diego for Alan 's birthday , I wanted to pick up Murray Man 's ashes ( my cat who died in late January ) . I had been stalling for six months and don 't want to expose Alan to my misery quite yet . I want to feed him my darkness in small doses , so he knows there is something worth while in me first , before checking the price tag . Frank offered to take me down to the Pet Crematory if I needed a friend . Though things between us were left hostile and broken , I took up the offer . There is a levity to Frank and I also don 't have to see him afterward if I lose my shit . I didn 't lose my shit , but I broke down crying in the parking lot . I don 't remember much , just holding Murray 's ashes in a red cigar box and weeping that it was all my fault . My dogs hurt him so badly it triggered liver failure , and I forced him to live in a home where there was ever present danger . Frank took me back to his place to kind of cheer me up . I kept texting my drug connection for valium or xanax or something - but she wasn 't answering . I guess she was at a baby shower . Even drug dealers go to baby showers . Frank made a call , the only connection he had was for coke and he bought me a bag . I agreed to it in the four minutes I was asked because this particular dealer has a cut off at 10pm . I thought this to be a poor business decision until I tasted the coke . $ 50 and exquisite quality . Of course , free to me , which is equally good and bad for a poor girl . The pain stopped almost immediately and I was gone . I played music . I climbed on furniture . I sipped wine and told Frank things I really hope he doesn 't remember . . . random dark things about myself or my past or my sex life with Alan . Whatever . I was blitzed . We hashed out the blogs that upset him . He felt I misrepresented him . I explained that any male aggression or anger is perceived as a possible threat to my safety . He said he understood , but he is still struggling to swallow that last blog I wrote about him . One thing I will say about Frank that will always carry my respect , he never crossed a boundary with me . I told him I was in love and committed to Alan , despite slinking around his apartment in little clothes like a groupie at a back stage party . He was a gentleman the entire night I did blow , and I really can 't say that I know many men that would be . Its nice to know I can trust him , even when totally out of my mind . There was still some coke left but I had to get my shit together to go back into work . So I weaned myself off for the remainder of the day . Took a couple shots of tequila , smoked cigarettes and kept calm . I made it . Even now , a week later , I crave that feeling again - feeling sexy and smart and ok about all the nasty shit spinning around me . Its just a feeling , its fiction and its borderline evil . I looked at the white bag that morning and said , " You are a demon . " It took a whole day and a half to feel my upper lip again . I was blowing crusted coke and blood out of my nose for four days . All those bad memories and sentiments flooded through my kinked sinuses twice as hard as it would have if I never touched the stuff . I texted a friend who went through a coke & rock phase in the 80s . He talked me through feelings I had about Em and the friendship , and I felt grounded , sober and good again . The cat I can 't fucking deal with yet . I packed the quarter bag in with my other weekend goodies I would be bringing down to San Diego . And the night before leaving , Brian stumbled into my living room . He went through a bottle of rum every few days . That morning , Maggie had diarrhea all over the living room floor . As soon as I heard , I came in to clean up . He complained like somehow I threw shit in his face instead of serving him a cup of coffee , which somehow I think he always expected . Now Brian lies . I don 't know why because it makes no sense . He lied about breaking my drinking glasses after I discovered hidden trash bags of them around my kitchen . He lied about having weed while trying to bum some off of me . Esther , my deaf dog , pulled his stash out of his backpack . ( Good girl ) I walked out of the door to smoke a cigarette . I was shaking . Its that feeling where someone yells at you and you are boiling with rage and shock and general FUCK YOUs , that you need to collect yourself . I asked him to come over . He said , " You are doing me a favor . I am down by $ 50 , I will be there in an hour . " I went back to my bedroom and waited , staring at my phone until Frank showed up . He did . Neither of us knew how to handle it , like should he come in punching his hand or reasoning with the guy . . . Brian made it easy , he shut out the light and went to sleep . Frank agreed to stay for the weekend and dogsit while I visited Alan for his birthday . It was weird ; the coke , the cat 's ashes , the roommate crisis all had me bonding with Frank instead of my boyfriend . It bothered me a little . This was the type of stuff that binds a couple and creates a history , weaving trust in with all the other sticky wonders of falling in love . I showed up , smoked a bag of ganj and slipped into bed with him . When we made love , I could see his eyes crumpling a lot in thought . There was a distance . My mind was in my apartment that I loved , that I will be giving up , and the dogs and cat I furiously try to support . The next day , I relaxed . I drank coffee . I caught up on all my television shows while Alan paced with his case studies . All the adrenaline and anxiety was finally draining out of me . And though I was scared Alan would be grouchy on adderall and stress from finals , he was gentle and sweet with me . He blew out the candles , ate a piece of cake and then we started making out hot and heavy . I told him I couldn 't stop thinking about sex with him on cocaine . Honestly , going through that bag earlier in the week and not having intercourse felt like a waste . We skipped the nap . He poured us shots of rum and set up the remaining lines for me and I had possibly the most amazing sex of my life . I only remember a portion of it . I remember us both declaring the other as the best lover of our lives . I remember he said he was in love with me . He came up behind me and said , " You were saying some pretty dark things during sex last night . I liked it . Normally , I don 't like talking dirty . " He hugged me from behind and I felt and still feel like somehow Alan is discovering a version of myself I never really acknowledged before . Look , couples talk dirty , no big deal . But I was unveiling a part of myself that even I am not able to fully process . And I am playing catch up with my whole identity when he is around . We decided to stop off at a sex store , it was on the way to Taco Bell . It was kind of a comfort , the suggestion to look around at sex toys and clothes meant that he still embraced me as a sexual partner . That whole day I worried I scared him off . We got food , went home and watched South Park . The xanax made coming off coke easy , and I slipped in and out of consciousness to whatever that smell is . . . laundry detergent , male deodorant and Alan . I am so so in love . Baye , " Oh yeah , I did a lot of it . I don 't really remember my graduation . I just remember going back and forth to my dorm , snorting a line , having a drink and going back . Apparently , I grabbed the microphone away from the Dean and said some nonsense . Then I walked around for the rest of the day in a cowboy hat while chewing on a ratted out cigar . Yeah . . . my mother was . . . disappointed . " Frank , " I was at this party , and I didn 't really know anyone . I went into the kitchen and this smokin ' hot red head just said , ' Slap me in the ass as hard as you can . ' And without flinching , I slapped that ass . She turned around and slapped me in the face . Just before she walked away , she said , ' You are kind of cute though . ' That weekend , we had this insane sex , I mean , awesome sex . And at the time I was just thinking about impressing her so when she said , ' Is that guitar expensive ? ' I said , ' No , but that one is . ' She disappeared for a couple days and then asked me to meet her in an alley . I was blitzed out of my mind , so I was just following her , and I saw this car at the end of the alley with its lights on . I said , ' I don 't know whats going on here , but good luck . ' And I swear she gave a signal to the car , he cut his headlights and she backed towards the car saying , ' You 're missing out . ' Later they robbed the comedy club of like $ 16 , 000 . " I laugh . Shake my head . Walk the dogs . Then when I pull into a parking spot , I will deeply inhale and say , " I smell cocaine . " Then Frank will launch into another story , " I was friends with this kid in grade school , you know , I kind of felt sorry for him . He was this really awkward red head kid , a little slow . And we would play this game called Girl Power . We would pretend we were being chased by girls and if they touched us , we turned into girls . It was his game , you know , I just went along with it . So we are running along and he would throw up his hands and say , ' Uh oh , a girl got me . ' Then he would get down on the ground and hump the ground , like he was trying to rub off his penis . Later , I discovered there is a whole mental condition for that . Anyway , once in a while this guy finds me and calls me on my birthday . He will come by with some ugly woman . . . hideously ugly women , with a bottle and hang out for a day . One day he comes by alone , with a bottle , a bag of coke and small black bag . I didn 't think about what was in the bag . We snorted lines and talked for a while . Then he slips into the bathroom and comes out wearing a small black dress . This tall , weird looking man in a small , black dress with tufts of red hair . . . it was just ( shakes head ) weird . I mean , picture it , I am snorting lines off the coffee table , then looking up and suddenly seeing a man in a black dress descend out of my bathroom . |
Posted on May 23 , 2015 by wryterinwonderland Reply Mackinac Island is one of my favorite places in Michigan and the island became more special once I learned that the all - time classical time - travel movie , Somewhere in Time , starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour was filmed there . The island is magical in that no automobiles are allowed , except for the fire trucks . Transportation are bicycles or horse - drawn carts and wagons . In winter , the 500 or so residents travel by snow mobile . My first summer visit to the island was with my first husband and our two daughters . We were typical fudgies , staying in the downtown area , taking in all the typical visitor sites , including the fort and a short hike up to the Grand Hotel . Then , visitors could go inside and look around , and even sit on the porch . Now visitors have to pay a fee for that privilege if they aren 't staying at the hotel . During our stay , my friend went in search of the labyrinth . I wanted to sit on the front lawn , where there is a lovely fountain and where the lawn was the location for the Somewhere in Time when the main characters , Richard and Elise , are reunited one last time , breaking the barrier of time . Several benches sat on the lawn , circling this fountain , and allowing me a view of the famous stairs , leading up to the hotel . I had just sat down , fully enjoying the sounds of the birds and water splashing , when a young boy , about eight or ten , and his grandmother sat on a bench opposite of me . The grandmother appeared tired , probably looking for a break from this energetic , active child . He talked constantly to her and she would reply in monosyllables . Then , he started throwing rocks into the fountain and at the birds , becoming destructive and disregarding nature . Not wanting to leave and wanting the quiet back , I began project thoughts to the boy : Grandma , I 'm bored , I want to leave . This isn 't fun anymore . Let 's go . I kept repeating those thoughts , projecting them toward the boy . Several minutes passed , and lo and behold , I heard the boy say , " Grandma , I 'm bored . Let 's go somewhere else . " Posted on May 4 , 2015 by wryterinwonderland 2 His name was Randy . He was and still is , despite his far - too early death , a beloved classmate . He was positivity personified , and he always had a smile for everyone . However , we never spoke during that time . Not once that I recall . My brother was the same age as his younger brother , Kevin . There were probably a total of a dozen of us kids in the immediate neighborhood and I would play hide - and - go - seek , baseball , climb trees , and ride bikes with all of them , but Randy never played with us . Instead , he was always alone with his basketball : dribbling , spinning , jumping and sinking , or tossing from afar . He would play for hours at a time . By himself . Once in a while , in the evening , he and his father , John , would play one - on - one . There was always a lot of laughter then and John , who was far taller , appeared to block a good number of throws . But Randy would find ways to skirt around his father and sink the ball with a layup . When my family moved away from the neighborhood , as he and I were entering sixth grade or middle school as it was called then , I don 't recall seeing Randy again until high school . By then , he was as tall as his father , a thinner version , and all arms and legs . He played basketball and became one of the best players the school ever had . Naturally , he hung out with other basketball players , all equally tall and equally enthusiastic about the sport . I was quiet , never talking with others in the halls but always thinking about the next class , making sure I had my books , my homework , and such . It wasn 't in my nature to talk to anyone unless they spoke to me first , and even though I would walk by this group of players every day , words were never exchanged . Plus , I rarely attended extra - curriculum school events . I was shy . Extremely shy . Time passed . We graduated . More time passed . Our class held a few class reunions , some I helped organize , some I didn 't . I moved away and then returned to the area . I had become more outgoing and found it easier to start conversations with people , strangers or not . It was during that time , that reunion , that I had a chance to chat with Randy and his first words seeing me , accompanied with that infectious grin of his , were , " Hi , neighbor . " And then he became sick , but he never missed a reunion . He attended one with a cane . The next time was with crutches . His smile never changed regardless of his declining health . This night , though , the knob turned easily , too easily . In fact , the light wouldn 't stay on . I puzzled over the problem . No one had been in the apartment . No one other than me was using the lamp , so what was different ? Carefully , I twisted the knob to on , finally getting the light to come on , and I started to step away . The light went out . Over and over , I tried to get the light to stay on . And every time I had it on and would start to move away , it would go out . The knob was so loose , it was difficult to find that small range where the light would even come on , as I could spin it back and forth easily trying to search that perfect on position , where the light would say on . For several nights , this scenario played out . After about ten minutes , my frustration got the better of me . I started swearing . I couldn 't get the light to stay on , no matter what I did . " Okay , you can stay but stop playing with my lamp . " I reached up to try to turn the light on and discovered that the hard familiar twist had returned . I tested it several times . On and off . On and off . Each time , I had to twist the knob hard . ( And ever since , the knob has never changed from this hard twist . ) " Thank you , " I told him , but he was gone . I couldn 't sense him around anymore . He 'd had his fun and I sensed he was off to have fun with someone else , somewhere else . As typical of our reunions , we have both a Friday night casual get - together and a more formal reunion on Saturday night with dinner and a band . For the first time , I attended the Friday night casual get - together . I had a chance to chat with Roger , a great friend of Randy 's , along with being a former basketball player with him . During previous reunions , if I saw Randy , Roger was always right there beside him . On that night , I felt Randy was there , having a grand time seeing so many of the coaches and teachers who were in attendance . Randy relayed a number to me , too , what sounded like 6 or 16 . I couldn 't tell which . I wanted to look in our old yearbooks to see Randy 's basketball shirt had been numbered , but since I had destroyed my books years ago , my curiosity would have to wait . " Yes ! " I said excitedly . I knew without a doubt that stretch was the correct word . It still didn 't make sense to me , but I knew it to be right . I knew because I could feel Randy 's grin - big and broader than ever before . We talked about the numbers , but Roger couldn 't remember what Randy 's jersey number had been back in high school . He said he would look in his yearbooks , but I 've not heard , nor could I pull up any pictures of Randy playing , where the jersey number is visible , at least visible enough to read . I 'm not sure if I 'll ever know what these numbers meant to Randy , to Roger , but at this point , it doesn 't matter . I went to diminish the slide show so I could see the e - mail program , which was behind the slide screen . Again , I clicked , and the slide - show screen , which had been in a half - screen mode , became full screen . Now , some of you might be thinking that I 'm clicking the wrong buttons , but I wasn 't . This time when I tried to return to the half - screen mode and the mouse clicker refused to work . I clicked the diminish sign and nothing happened . I clicked it again , and the volume went up . That 's when I began to have my suspicions about what was really going on . So , I called our IT Department and reported the faulty mouse , telling them that I couldn 't send them an e - mail because the mouse wasn 't working . He asked me if there were any other mice available . There was . In the meantime , he 'd report the failure and David , our resident IT employee , would deal with it later . So , I unhooked the mouse and went to a neighboring computer and took that mouse and plugged it in . It worked . I was able to shut down the slide show and return to work . Posted on May 4 , 2014 by wryterinwonderland Reply In the spring of 1989 , I was newly married and moved with my husband and my two girls from Tallahassee , Florida to thirty - five miles north and the small farming community of Cairo , Georgia . I enjoyed that we lived on the fringes of town , on an acre of land that was circled with slash pines and live oak trees . One live oak was particularly huge , with one of its large limbs hanging down so low that it scraped the dirt beneath it and had begun to root there . From the start of that move , I began to have a repetitive disturbing dream - though some might call it a nightmare . The dream always started with my father coming to visit me in Georgia . Our activities were always different , but they always ended with him having a heart attack , at which point I would wake up sobbing or with a horrified emotion of loss that he had died . And yet , I never actually witnessed him dying in my dream . I always woke up not seeing an outcome of survival or death . I began to wonder why I was waking up then . I think I was afraid to know . I was retelling this dream to a good friend and screenwriter , Kelley Essoe , who in turn told me about lucid dreams . She was quite knowledgeable in the topic , and I found the topic fascinating , and I wanted to learn more . Basically , lucid dreams occur with awareness of dreaming and being able to remain in the dream , participating and observing . As the dreams continued , my goal was to see the outcome , if there was one , or to determine if there was a hidden message . The process was difficult at first , and I would wake up almost as soon as I became cognizant that I was dreaming . Over time , I was able to stay in the dream longer , going further each time , even if for a moment or few seconds ; and , I saw myself reacting to the heart attack . I began to notice how my first reaction of panic and emotion became cool , calm , and skillful , much like those of a paramedic or first responder . In March 1991 , my father - a man who could be quite stubborn - came to visit me in Georgia . He said he wanted to play golf in Georgia , knowing Michigan was still cold and deep in snow . My oldest daughter , a high school freshman , and I took him to Disney World in Orlando , where on our last day there , we met my brother and spent a fun , happy , long day . My brother , who lived in Florida , returned home that night . We stayed in Orlando , planning to visit Cape Canaveral on our way home . A diabetic , who took pills to control the disease , Dad spent the day sampling ice cream , sugared soft drinks , and other forbidden foods . I didn 't think too much about it as Dad 's habit was to drink a malt on a near - daily basis and not mind his diet as carefully as he should have . Plus , he was a pipe smoker , a habit he refused to give up . About two in the morning , I woke up , hearing a strange sound . He was sitting in the chair by the window , in the dark , moaning a little . Sensing I was awake , he stopped moaning . " I think it 's my heart , " he said . Those moans didn 't sound like heartburn , but I 'd never had heartburn before , so what did I know ? " Are you sure ? " I asked . " It 's going away . Go back to sleep . " He convinced me that he was fine . I figured if the problem was truly serious , he would have told me so . The next morning , he and I woke up about the same time . He started getting up , stating he 'd use the bathroom first . Halfway there , he passed out , falling to the floor , hitting his head against the wall . I leapt out of bed , waking my daughter who had shared the second double bed with me . I rushed to his side . He came to , opening his eyes . On the floor , looking up at me , he said , " What happened ? " He looked at me , studying me . I studied him , knowing full well what had happened . He had had a heart attack in the middle of the night , convinced me otherwise , and he would do the same thing again now . He was that stubborn . Instinctively , I knew it would be useless to fight him . Ten years earlier he 'd had cancer in his leg , had it surgically removed telling no one , not even his wife , my stepmother , what was really wrong until five years later when he got the okay that he was cancer - free . Even then , he had slipped up , which had me asking pointed questions where he finally revealed the information . Immediately , I could see Dad 's expression and body relax . I knew I couldn 't mention heart attack or ask about his health , either . I knew he 'd lie about it if I did , telling me he was fine , even though he was still flat on the floor . I had to get him home , my home , which was typically a five - hour drive from Orlando . That goal was my only thought for the moment . We had to get on the road , immediately . I 'd figure out the rest as we went along . " Okay , " he said . I helped him up and he went into the bathroom . I turned to Carrie and could see the fear in her face . I knew I had to stay calm for her . I knew her well enough that she would follow my example . Without revealing what I already knew , I told her that we needed to get home so that he could see a doctor . By the time Dad exited the bathroom , Carrie and I were dressed and had everything packed and in the car . Rather than going through central Florida on a highway that meant going through a number of small communities , I chose a main highway where there were help telephones strung along the way . If anything happened on the drive home , I knew I could get help via these roadside phones . Cell phones were still an expensive novelty , and it would be several years before I had one . Less than an hour into the drive , Dad insisted that we stop at a restaurant for breakfast . Mentally , I considered saying no and immediately heard his unspoken argument . I wanted to say no because we were making good time , but I couldn 't risk fighting him . He said that he wanted some coffee . I figured that his blood sugar was probably becoming an issue because he hadn 't had any as was his normal morning routine . As much as I didn 't want to say yes , I did . It 's what he wanted , so my goal was to maintain calm , keeping everything relatively normal for the moment , which was more important than the loss of a little time it would take to get us on our way again . We stopped and were seated . I had noticed a pay phone in the hall , next to the bathrooms , when we entered the restaurant . Once we had ordered , I said I needed to use the bathroom . Out of Dad 's sight , I called my husband , telling him that I thought Dad had had a heart attack and that he was to make a doctor 's appointment for Dad , giving him the time I estimated we 'd be home . I hung up the phone and return to the booth just as breakfast arrived . Fifteen minutes later , we were on the road again . A normal five - hour drive became a much shortened three - hour trip . Thankfully , there was little traffic on the two major highways we traveled . Just as we arrived at Cairo 's city limits , I told Dad that I 'd made a doctor 's appointment for him when we had stopped for breakfast . I also told him that he had no choice ; he was going . Half an hour later , the doctor called me into the consulting room . Dad sat there , in a chair against the wall , looking small and lost . The doctor confirmed that Dad was either having a heart attack or had already had one . I looked at Dad and he started crying . We both knew it was the latter . I told him it was okay , that everything would be fine . Not happy by any means , Dad conceded to the doctor 's direction that he enter the hospital for testing as it wasn 't safe for him to fly home unless he did so . Carrie , Dad , and I got back in the car , and we drove the few blocks to the hospital . Once there , Dad opened his door and took out his pipe . " I 'm going to smoke it , so don 't say a word , " he said . The three of us made small talk while he smoked for about five minutes , which felt like an eternity . Once in the hospital , he was wheel - chaired away , while I stayed in the front office to get him admitted . Dad had given me his wallet before he had disappeared down the hall , so I was able to provide the needed insurance information . I sat by the admittance clerk and Carrie sat on the floor next to me . Just minutes into the admittance process , a good friend and neighbor , Rick , who was an anesthesiologist at the hospital and for whom Carrie babysit his kids , saw us and came over , asking what we were doing there . That 's when I lost it . I started crying , saying that Dad had had a heart attack . Carrie began crying , too . We were finally in a safe place . Finally , the paperwork was done . Rick returned and told us that we could see Dad now , but to keep it short for now . Carrie chose to wait while I went into his room . I found Dad secured in bed , hooked up to machines and tubes . Before I could say a word , he said , " You did the right thing . " He admitted that he had been prepared to die on the way home , because he wasn 't about to inconvenience me or my family by being hospitalized so far away from my hometown . " I didn 't want it any other way . " In that moment , I knew why I 'd had those dreams of his attack : I had been prepared for the task it would take and the stoic but determined calm I needed in order to get my father to a safe place that was acceptable to him . To have argued with him , to have cried or fallen apart , to have reacted any differently than I had could have and probably would have created very different results . His own stubborn concern about my daughter and me , which would have stressed him even further , was more important to him than his own health . At the end of January , I was approached by the Program Director for the Mid - Michigan Romance Writers of America chapter , of which I am a member and was asked if I would be willing to do the February ( mid - month ) presentation on time management . My first response was to say no based on the number of various deadlines I was facing at work , home , and other personal issues , plus feeling I was dragging my feet - okay procrastinating ! - with my own creative writing projects . Bottom line : I didn 't think I could add one more item to my plate . Immediately though , I realized I NEEDED to do the presentation . For me to get a handle on my own procrastination and current time - management issues , what better way to reinforce the material than to teach it ? After all , we retain 100 % of what we teach . In that process of cleaning up those shelves and projects , I discovered a notebook entitled , Time Management for Writers . Lo and behold , I had written a book 20 years ago on the very topic I was going to be discussing that weekend ! I 've always been passionate about the topic and here was early evidence of that passion . Of course , the writing was crap . After all , I 'd written it two decades prior . Thumbing through the material , I could see that my growth of understanding about the topic and my writing ability were far removed from manuscript that looked as if it had been printed on a early Tandy computer . At 4 a . m . that Sunday morning , my phone rang . I shot straight up , turned on the light , put on my glasses , and looked at the caller I . D . Not recognizing the number , I debated whether to answer the phone or not , then thought , it could be an emergency . It was . Lee asked if I could go to the hospital to be with her until he and the rest of the family could get there , which he figured would be another hour . I figured it to be at least two . For me , Bronson was only fifteen minutes away . On my side of the room , where there were a few chairs , I sensed that I wasn 't alone . I looked around and even got up to check the hall but no one was there . Moments later , I heard classical music playing . I found the music comforting as classical music was my favorite type of music . Then I heard an Adagio that was one of my favorites . And then another . I pulled out my iPad and opened it . No application was open or turned on , and yet the machine was playing my favorite downloaded music . I had to open the app in order to turn it off . Eileen was well aware of my intuitive abilities , as I had told a few stories about it , but that nearly ten years early . At the time , I didn 't think she , or the rest of my family , really believed it all . So , I didn 't talk about much with them after that . The family began to arrive and the prognosis wasn 't good . In my heart of hearts , I knew that she died at 2 a . m . when the cardiac arrest had occurred . While I sensed Lee , her second oldest child and second son , understood exactly what was happening , his brother , Bill , and three sisters - Lacy , Cathy , and Sarah - were in denial , grasping any little sign upon which to hang their hope . A big family , with my sister and her friend , Lee and his wife , her sister and mother , and Eileen 's other four children , their father , plus myself , we filled most all of the seats in the room . Three other women , strangers to us , were in the corner , with one quietly talking on her cell phone . My three nieces were at the point of trying to convince themselves that their mother was returning to consciousness , stating as much , when all of a sudden the woman on the phone said , quite loudly , " No , I 'm NOT ! " The girls ' conversation stopped immediately , their heads turned in unison to the woman who had spoken . Realizing the woman was on the phone , the girls laughed and dismissed the outburst , but right away I knew that was Eileen speaking to her kids through that woman . While to everyone else , the outburst looked coincidental , I knew differently . Eileen was listening to their conversation and wanted them to come to grips of her death and was finding any way possible to tell them otherwise . The timing of that woman 's response may have appeared coincidental , but it wasn 't . Even one of the girls said it had sounded like Eileen . I wanted to tell them what had occurred , but I sensed they weren 't ready to hear it , yet . I knew there would be an opportunity to refer back to this incident later . He burst out laughing saying it was Eileen 's favorite phrase when she got mad at him , making reference to his previous wives who had been well - endowed . The kids were fascinated that their mother had found a way to communicate with their father . They wanted to know more , what to listen for , how to listen , what could they expect to hear , and yet I knew they didn 't truly believe that she had died . They felt that she was still alive but was able to communicate , but I knew differently . Having remembered my stories from years ago , they questioned me . To place the stories in a safe context for them , I shared some of my experiences that included my father playing with my TV after he had died a few years back . They had loved their grandfather and knew how he had a history of repairing TVs and computers . They asked if there were others way that the dead communicated with me and I was able to share a few stories of hearing them , smelling specific scents associated with them , like a pot - roast or brownies baking in the oven , and like their grandfather 's pipe tobacco . The conversation turned and the day was filled with routine , lunch , and then a conversation with the doctor who told the family there didn 't appear to be any brain activity , but that the hospital wanted to run a few other tests to make sure . The results wouldn 't be ready until later that night , probably the next day . Throughout the day , two at a time , family members would go sit by Eileen 's bed and keep her company . Unbeknownst to me , Eileen had a partial . Upon her admittance , it had been removed and placed in a small cup of water that had a lid . As they were talking about these tea parties , the lid had flown off the cup and flew across the room . When I walked in the room about five minutes later , they told me what had happened . With teeth representing talking or eating , it was Eileen 's way of saying that she wanted to join the conversation ! The minute I got home , I texted one of the girls who was staying at the hospital . She 'd didn 't know and everyone else was gone , at the moment . We 'd talk in the morning . The next morning was a repeat of the morning before . None of the girls knew what giraffe explosion meant . Their father arrived and they asked him . He started laughing and told the story of a family trip to the zoo , where he 'd gone into the gift shop to buy something for the kids . Knowing he couldn 't buy just one giraffe , he came out with an armful of giraffes , one for each of the kids . He said that Eileen had taken one look and had burst out laughing , shaking her head . More stories were shared , and then later , at a point when it was only the three girls and I in the room , one of the girls asked me point - blank what I thought was happening to their mother . I was able to tell them that I thought she had already died before she ever got to the hospital . I was able to talk about my music playing on its own , and how the outburst of a stranger had fit perfectly into their conversation , sounding very much like their mother . One of them answered , saying that they did and that they 'd have to help their oldest brother come to same resolution because of all of the kids , he was struggling the most . In that moment , I knew the kids would be okay . Later , the doctor confirmed that indeed Eileen was gone , there was no brain activity . As the family began to arrive , the decision was made to pull her off life support that afternoon . One by one , the family went in to say goodbye . I was halfway there , when all of a sudden , I fell goosebumps travel all the way to the top of my head , down to the tips of my toes , back up to my head and down to my toes again . Then , it felt as if my spine was rising out of my body , going straight out of the back of my head . Then , I felt this euphoric relief . About twenty minutes later , I called Lee 's wife , Heather , who said she was just getting ready to call me . Before she could say anything more , I told her what I had felt and the time I felt it . She replied , " That 's exactly when Eileen died . " Eileen 's funeral was truly a celebration that included a drive to the ceremony and a brief prayer . The day was miserably cold with deep clouds and thin , sporadic snowfalls . The moment the prayer was over , a small hole appeared in the clouds where we could see blue sky and the sun shining brightly down on us , just a small portion of the crematory where we stood . And then the hole quickly disappeared . It was a dramatic moment noticed by all , with a few voices saying , " It 's Eileen . " Eileen still makes her presence know from time to time , flipping lids off containers , her faint image in pictures taken since her death . She leaves significant messages with her kids . Even as I write this blog , I sense her here , delighted that she 's in the spotlight again , a place she enjoyed and thrived . Posted on August 25 , 2013 by wryterinwonderland 4 After the birth of our second daughter , money was tighter than ever . It was September 19 , 1978 and winter was coming . I needed a new winter coat but I had only $ 35 to spend on it - tops . And this was a time when coats started selling at $ 50 - 60 a piece . While it felt early in the season , it was actually late . Coats had been picked over and I 'd been looking already for several weeks . I remembered listening to some Norman Vincent Peale tapes where he stated that in order to draw to you what you need , you have to believe that you already own it . That it 's already yours . That it 's meant to be yours . The secret was to speak and believe as if you already owned it , so the choice of verb tense was important . Peale 's most famous work - now a true classic - is The Power of Positive Thinking , first published in 1952 . It can still be found on popular bookstore shelves today . This positive - thinking philosophy would be repeated every decade by someone new . In the 1970s , that person was Dr . Wayne Dyer , followed by Anthony Robbins in the 1980s . By the twenty - first century , both would be talking about higher consciousness and our need to connect with our inner consciousness , that our power comes from within . And then , a little tiny book authored by Rhonda Byrne would make headlines in 2006 unlike other books of self - fulfillment . That book was The Secret and many of the philosophies that were being introduced to the public I was already practicing . In fact , I had practiced it back on that day in 1978 . It was a typical shopping day for me where I was on a hunt for a specific item and coming up with nothing . As I stood in the store , I visualized . In my mind 's eye , I saw the coat that I desired - brown plaid fabric , a long coat that came down to my boots or knees , and with a hood . At that very moment , my glaze fell upon the bin in front of me , which was full of mittens , gloves , and hats . I wasn 't normally a hat wearer , but I noticed a rust - colored hat that I knew would match this desired coat perfectly . I bought the hat . I even began wearing it and carrying it , not caring that it didn 't go with the light - weight fall jacket or sweaters I was wearing while still on the hunt . Two weeks later , I found the coat on sale for $ 32 . It was on a rack where it should not have been hanging . It was almost as if it was there for me to find at that moment . I happened to be wearing the hat . When I put on the coat and looked in the mirror , the hat appeared as if it originally came with the coat . Several days later , the winter 's first snow fell . Every time thereafter , for the decade or more that I owned that coat , whenever I put it on , I was reminded that visualization works . More importantly , I learned how my belief could not waver . I had to see it , feel it , hear it , smell it , taste it . All the senses had to be engaged . This was not be the first time that I would draw to me that which I needed . The future would hold far bigger needs , seemingly impossible goals , needs , or desires . But what I did learn this day was not only did the secret work , but I learned how it worked . Unbeknownst to me , the future was filled with opportunities for practice . |
Introduction : My specialaty is First Time Sex , but so many have asked for a sequel to Nudist sex that I have written a second part . If this is well accepted , I can do a third one . First Time Wonder Nudists Have Sex - Part 2 Ron awoke early and sprang out of bed , eager for the events of the day . He couldn 't help but smile at the dramatic difference three years had made . He recalled with a smile how he had dreaded going to the " Bare River Bend Nudist Resort " that day three years ago . He had been barely thirteen at that time , but now at sixteen , with a driver 's license and a car the world would be different - at least he thought and hoped it would be different ! Ron 's smile grew even bigger as he thought about his car , although " car " wasn 't really a good description of it . Last fall his uncle had retired from his home appliance repair business , and had given Ron one of the service vehicles . It had been specially fitted to serve Uncle Jake 's unique needs . The two front seats were standard Chevrolet nine passenger van configuration , but other than that , it had been custom designed . Ron had stripped out the special built drawers and parts bins then carpeted the floor and two sides , all the way to the roof . There were no windows as Uncle Jake figured the van was more secure if people couldn 't see what was inside . Ron left the solid wall between the passenger compartment and the van so that he use the cabinets and drawers mounted to that partition for the stereo components , as well as anything else he decided . The floor had two layers of the thickest carpet pad available and then plush carpet on top of that . Thus , the floor was extremely comfortable , making a nice place to sleep when he and his friends went camping . Of course it served another purpose the one time he and Kellie had gotten together for a date . She had helped him choose the carpet , and it was her idea to make the floor soft enough for love making . Together , they had stocked the few remaining cabinets with all the things they needed , condoms , spermicidal jelly , lube , etc . Although it was fully stocked , it wouldn 't be immediately obvious to the casual observer . Ron had modified the drawers such that a casual look would reveal nothing but a drawer with little or nothing in it , a few books , trinkets , stereo controls etc . However ; if one knew where to press on the bottom of the drawer , it would tilt up revealing the space beneath the false bottom . His parents were also happy for Ron to have transportation as Dad had always taken the car home during the week , leaving the rest of the family to stay at the resort . His sister , Julie , had gone away to college , and except for visiting about once a month during the summer , she wasn 't at the resort that much . She commented that while she still loved to come to the resort , she wasn 't willing to make it known that her parents lived at a nudist resort during the summer . As he showered and prepared to drive with his Mom and Dad to the resort , he was looking forward to seeing Kellie on a daily basis . After toweling off and studying his now six foot stature , he was quite pleased with what he saw . He had grown into a rather well muscled football player , who maintained a straight A average . While he didn 't lack for opportunities for girl friends , he still considered Kellie " His Girl , " and she likewise called him " Her Man . " Just thinking of Kellie resulted in the inevitable proud erection , and soon his cock was at its full seven inch glory . Actually it was just slightly less than seven inches , but what the hell , everyone else probably exaggerated a bit , so he always thought of it as seven inches . It didn 't take but a few minutes to provide the desperately needed relief , and he was happy to unload his pent up passion so that he could properly make love to Kellie in a few hours . Just as they were getting ready to leave , Julie arrived , breathless and excited . She explained that she just couldn 't miss the opening day of the resort , and decided to spend the weekend with the family . She would go with us to the resort then ride home with Dad Sunday night . When she saw my van , she said that she would ride with me so she could catch up with me , thinking that at the camp I would be otherwise occupied . We laughed and exchanged compliments for a few minutes when Julie became a bit more serious . " Ronnie , if I bring a Ken to the camp , do you think you could , well , you know , kind of help him fit in , I mean , you know , he kind of wants to come , but kind of doesn 't want to . You know how shy he can be . " " Well , he is actually very strict , his dad is a preacher , and he believes we shouldn 't make love until we are married . I know that is a bit unusual today , but it is actually kind of refreshing not to have someone pawing at me . Oh we do plenty , in fact we have ' done everything but ' and I can tell you he is really hot and hung like a stud horse , but he just doesn 't want to actually have sex , at least not until we are engaged and sure it is going to work out . " We drove along in silence for a couple of minutes while I pondered the situation then turned to Julie again . " Hey , how did he find out we are nudists ? We were very careful the times you bought him home for a visit . " Julie kind of giggled and related the story . They had been dating for over a year and she had bought him home twice . Mom , Dad and I liked him immediately and thought he and Julie made a really nice couple . One evening Ken came to pick her up at the Sorority house , but she was late getting home from work . Julie was just getting out of the shower when Ken arrived , so she asked her roommate to have Ken get her purse out of the car as she had been in such a hurry she forgot to bring it in . He got the purse , but as he closed the car door , it caught the side of the purse and popped the catch open , spilling everything onto the driveway . Ken quickly began gathering all the myriad items that girls carry in their purses . He came to her wallet , which had also fallen open and gotten dust all over the photos and credit cards . When he got back into the house , he decided to wipe everything off , so carefully slipped the various licenses and cards out and gently wiped them off . He wasn 't paying much attention , other than a quick glance to see that he had them dusted when he noticed a white card with a blue circle that read , " AANR Nude Recreation . " As he looked more closely , he could see the small print at the very top reading , " Serving Family Social Nude Recreation Since 1931 . " Julie noticed that Ken was nervous and jittery all through the concert , and instead of going out with the rest of the gang for a Coke , he suggested that they go for a little drive . He pulled up by the moonlit lake and suggested that they sit by the shore and watch the moon light sparkling on the water . Finally Julie demanded to know what was wrong . " Yes , I know , you think that being naked automatically means sex . Well , it just isn 't so , we have very strict rules , you can 't even hug except for just a second or two , no one wants to have anyone think it is about sex , it is about enjoying being naked and feeling the sun and breeze on your bare skin . Of course nudists have sex when and where appropriate , and I suppose some actually push the rules a bit , but I have never seen anyone do anything even close to sex in the open areas of the resort . And besides , I don 't have any problems with a clingy wet swimming suit , I just drip dry ! " she replied with a laugh . " I 'm not taking you home , and I 'm not preparing a news release because I haven 't heard anything news - worthy , " he said firmly as he gathered her in his arms and kissed the tears away . " You don 't really think I would do that to you do you ? Because if you do , then I am afraid I am as hurt as you are ! " " Well , of course I want to see you naked , any man would , but actually I am remembering when a bunch of us kids used to go out to the sand pit on Sam 's place . There weren 't any roads out there and it was surrounded by trees . We would skinny dip all summer long , and I really liked it for the reasons you just said . " No , at that age , we didn 't want girls around , so we always ditched them . But then one day Connie and Betty followed us , and as soon as we got in the water they stole all our clothes and hid them . We couldn 't find them , so since the church was right by the edge of the farmer 's land , I was elected to sneak in the back door of the church and get the Jr . Choir robes for everyone . I was able to make it , but mom saw me sneaking out the back door with the robes and was there to meet us when we came back . When all the smoke cleared , we were never allowed to go to the sand pit again . It wasn 't because we were naked , Dad said that swimming with a bunch of guys naked wasn 't any big deal , but he said the sand pit was very deep and it was much too dangerous . I guess I am thinking that it would be nice to re - live the experience of skinny dipping again . " Ron was smiling when Julie finished her story , then assured her that he would be happy to help Ken , but wasn 't just sure what to do if he really didn 't want to make love until they were married . He would have to think on this a bit . About that time they arrived at the resort and he maneuvered the van into a spot he had been thinking about all winter long . Julie glanced at him and nodded her approval as they stepped out of the van . " No one can see the van from here , either from the main social area , or from the camping area where Mom and Dad 's trailer is , " she observed . Ron nodded his agreement , and began to shed his clothes . Julie did likewise , and as Ron opened the rear doors of the van to put his clothes inside , Julie stepped around from the passenger side . Ron stared for a moment then realized that Julie was staring at him as well . At that moment , Kellie came jogging up the trail and turned into the secluded parking space . Ron tried to keep his towel positioned so that his erection wasn 't so obvious while at the same time trying to figure how he was going to hug Kellie . It seemed as if he hadn 't seen her for a year , when in fact it had only been a little over a month . Kellie rushed up to Ron and launched herself at him . He had no choice but to drop the towel and catch her in mid air . Kellie wrapped her legs around Ron 's waist and squeezed her breasts against his chest while at the same time meeting his lips in a tender but passionate kiss . Ron rolled on top of Kellie , glad that he had jerked off that morning , hoping that would give him some staying power , but he doubted it would be as much as he wanted . In a moment , he had slid into Kellie and felt his balls slap her firm little ass . They clung to each other for several seconds , savoring the feel of their bodies as they melted together . Then Ron began to slowly and teasingly move his hips , pressing upward in order to put pressure on Kellie 's clit . Kellie responded by wiggling her ass back and forth savoring the friction in her pussy and clit . It wasn 't long before Ron was speeding up his movements , and shortly was slamming his cock into Kellie as if he were trying to crawl in behind it . All too soon , his sperm came boiling out of his cock , feeling like it was being forced out with a series of rocket explosions . They collapsed together , cuddling and whispering their love for each other , and floating with the euphoria of their mutual orgasms . It wasn 't more than fifteen minutes until Ron said he was ready for some more love . He began by kissing his way from Kellie 's forehead all the way to her feet , then up the inside of her legs , until he reached her wet lips . He wasn 't that keen to slip his tongue into her as the Norform insert had melted and the taste wasn 't that nice , but he did manage to flip his tongue on Kellie 's clit a few times . By now his cock was feeling as if it were ready to rip the condom open , and he passionately slid back into Kellie , feeling his cock slide home as if it were being called by an irresistible force , pulling him in . Suddenly he realized that he could feel Kellie 's pussy opening and closing like it actually was pulling him in . Kellie had two increasingly satisfying orgasms when Ron felt he could no longer hold back and began pounding into her as hard as he could . Once again , his sperm rocketed down the launching tube and if it were not for the condom , he was sure it would have been forcibly injected right into Kellie 's cervix . They collapsed together and drifted into a contented sleep . They were awakened by a banging on the doors and hearing Kerrie and Nancy yelling for them to come out . After saying they would be out in a minute , they quickly grabbed some baby wipes and cleaned up a bit , then after securing everything in a plastic trash bag in one of the drawers , they opened the doors . Kerrie and Nancy hopped in , exclaiming about how nice the van was . They both tested the carpet by lying down and bouncing a bit . " Not bad , " mused Kerrie , " and with the springs , I bet you two had a nice ride ! " They walked together toward the lake . As they walked , Ron couldn 't help but notice that both Kerrie and Nancy had grown bigger tits . In fact both were bigger than Kellie , and Nancy 's actually had a bit of sag to them . Ron still liked Kellie 's the best , they were not all that big , but fit her frame very nicely , stood out proudly and while they bounced a little , they didn 't sag . Plus , the nipples got really hard when they were making love , and sometimes he could tell when she was ready just by looking at how proudly her nipples stood out . When they got to the lake , Ron noticed six girls that didn 't look familiar . On second glance , they did look somewhat familiar , but he couldn 't quite place them . He asked Kellie about them , and she said that they were all here last year , all were thirteen , but he just hadn 't noticed them last year because they were still pesky flat chested little pests . Ron observed that while they may still be little pests , they certainly weren 't flat chested ! They ranged from little lemon sized bumps to a full A size . Not bad , thought Ron , as he made a note to keep an eye on their development over the summer . Not bad at all ! All of a sudden , he became aware that two of the girls were whispering between themselves and taking furtive little glances at him , or rather his cock . Just the knowledge that they were peeking at his cock caused the stirring that let him know it would soon be out of control . Dropping his towel , he plunged into the lake . The instant he hit the water , he realized why no one else was swimming in the lake and everyone was around the heated pool . It was freezing cold , so cold that it took his breath away . On the other hand , it immediately took care of his other problem , so he grinned at the shock as he slowly got used to the cold , then teased the girls about staying on the shore . Realizing that no one was going to join him , he finally came out , dried himself on the towel and lay in the sun to warm up . Kellie lay her towel down beside him , and Nancy and Kerrie did the same . Soon they were catching up on the winter 's events . Both Nancy and Kerrie now had boy friends of several months standing and were excitedly filling in the gang about how special they were . Ron asked if the boys knew that they were spending the summer at a nudist resort . Kerrie said Jimmy didn 't know , and she was taking all the steps to make sure he didn 't find out , as he could be a bit of a gossip . Nancy admitted that she had told Bill one night , and he seemed to be OK with it . In fact , he had even asked if he could visit her one day . " Sure , " replied Nancy , " You just want to find out if we have done it , " she said with a smile . " Well , we haven 't , but when he comes up here and sees all the naked girls , he is going to go absolutely wild . " So , why haven 't you done it ? It 's not like you never did it before , " observed Kerrie as she glanced at Ron . The talk about making love had the predictable affect on Ron , and before long he was secretly trying to digging a hole in the sand to hide his erection . Kellie noticed his movements and asked what he was trying to do . Ron didn 't respond and rolled onto his stomach to hide his rising erection . When he did , Kellie began to tickle him , and before the other girls thought about what was actually going on , they jumped up and began helping Kellie as they tickled and pummeled him unmercifully . Finally , unable to withstand their punishment , Ron rolled over and tried to sit up , but Nancy immediately flopped down over his chest . Suddenly , everyone got very quiet . Ron could hear the collective gasp as his fully erect cock stood pointing to the sky . " Looks like we should all go in the lake , " commented Kerrie as she stood up . After pulling Kellie and Nancy up , the three of them formed a line on the common side of Ron and began moving toward the lake . At the edge they hesitated , recalling how cold Ron said the lake was . Glancing over they could see that nothing had changed ; Ron 's cock was so hard it was sticking almost straight up . Ron couldn 't help but see Kerrie 's expression and felt as if she were silently applauding how big he had become . After discussing how to get in the water , Ron just put his arms around the group and shoved them all into the lake . The expected screaming and spluttering filled the air as they came up . The girls didn 't stay in the water very long , but Ron said it was nice . Actually he was freezing his ass off , but had to stay in while the cold water did its job . Shortly , he too climbed out and toweled off . They decided to go for a walk around the lake and soon they were scampering around , tossing small rocks off the hiking path , and generally having a good time . Kellie and Nancy pulled ahead , looking at a couple of birds flittering from branch to branch . Nancy speculated that the brightly colored Cardinal was trying to seduce the more sedately colored female , to which Kellie commented that was a man for you . Kerrie fell into step with Ron and glanced up at him as if she wanted to say something . " We haven 't actually done it , but I have seen his cock a few times . He took his pants off one night when he was trying to get me to do it with him in the back seat , but I told him I just didn 't want to do it there so I started to jerk him off while he played with my breasts . I had let him put his finger in me , but he was rough and wouldn 't just touch me tenderly , so I told him he had to stop . He didn 't want to and that was when I started pumping his cock really fast , but as soon as he came he just wanted to take me home . I was really mad at him , it seems like all he wanted to do was for his own satisfaction and what I wanted didn 't matter . Then the next day at school I heard that he was telling the guys on the football team that he had fucked me . I was so mad that I wouldn 't let him touch me for two weeks ! I also let the word out that he didn 't fuck me , he couldn 't get it big enough to do anything but jack off . Boy was he mad ! " " We are still going out , but I didn 't let him even touch my breasts for a whole month . One night he said he was sorry and told the guys he only said he fucked me because they were teasing him , and that we hadn 't actually done anything more than play around in the back seat . So , I forgave him . He had been really nice to me , so we got in the back seat again and I let him take my shirt and bra off . This time he was gentle , kissing my nipples like he really cared about how I felt . I let him put his hand up my skirt and slide my panties down . At first he was careful and actually found my clit . " " I decided to reciprocate so I opened his pants , pulled his cock out and started to play with him . I even kissed the tip of his cock and licked around the head , but then he jammed his finger inside me so hard that it hurt so I pushed him off and started to put my clothes back on . He got really mad and said if I wouldn 't play the game he would say that he fucked me again . I slapped him really hard then told him to look at my hand . I said that if I even heard a hint of him telling that story , I would say that when I put my hand around his cock I couldn 't even see the tip sticking out past my fist . He was so mad that he didn 't speak to me for two weeks , but now he wants to get together again . I just don 't know , if he ever found out that I come to a nudist resort , I would be fair game for every guy on the football team . " Ron stopped abruptly , pulling Kerrie to a stop beside him . " No , I didn 't say I wanted to go out with you , well , I don 't mean that I wouldn 't like to go out with you , you are a beautiful girl and I like you , I always have . I am just saying that if you were my girl friend and not Kellie , I would know how to treat you nice and see that you had a good time too . I have learned that making love is more than just pushing your cock into a girl , and that a girl can have fun too . That 's all . " " I guess I didn 't really think , we had always done things together for so long and when I knew that you and Kellie did it , I was jealous and just wanted to be able to say I did it with you too . Nancy felt the same way , we didn 't see it so much as making love or being in love , it was just something that Kellie had done and we hadn 't , so it seemed like a natural thing to try to have the same experience . As for how it felt , it hurt like hell for a minute then it felt really full but I didn 't feel anything special other than knowing that it made you feel good . The next day I was sore and had to be careful that Mom didn 't figure out what we did . I haven 't done it since you and I did it three years ago , I guess I wanted it to be special and am waiting for someone special . " " She says she did it a couple of times last year with a guy who was in a play with her . They were supposed to be a married couple with a rowdy teen ager in the school play . Naturally , one of the scenes included a kiss but neither of them had much experience and it seemed really awkward , so the director suggested that they practice a few times in private to make the scene seem more natural . So , they stayed after school and met in the prop room to practice . After a while , they got the hang of it but decided to continue practicing . Pretty soon he was feeling her boobs then had his hands under her blouse and before long she was topless . Before they finished , they had used one of the beds for another purpose other than sleeping . They did it once again but then Nancy missed her period , or at least thought she had . When it was three days late she told him she thought she was pregnant . He claimed it had to be someone else , and walked off . She was devastated . She didn 't think they were in love or were going to get married , she just thought he would help her out of the situation . Luckily she got her period a couple days later . When she told him she wasn 't pregnant , he wanted to have sex again , but she told him to fuck off , she didn 't need someone who would abandon her at the first sign of a problem . Now she is hooked up with Billy , and he seems like a really nice guy . " About that time , Nancy and Kellie hollered for them to catch up , so that was the end of the conversation . As the four of them walked around the lake , sharing how their winter had gone , Kellie stopped and said that she had something to tell everyone . " I am not going to be spending the whole week here every day like we have for as long as I can remember . I talked Mom and Dad into letting me get a car , but now I have to pay for my own insurance and some of the cost . Dad is helping , but he says that if I want more freedom , I have to take more responsibility . So , I have a job that means I have to ten hours a day , Monday through Thursday then I have Friday , Saturday and Sunday off and come up here . " Ron was stunned . He too had a car and expenses and had thought of getting a summer job . He actually did work part time during school and had saved up enough money so that he and Kellie could spend the entire summer together . Now this ! In some ways , he felt betrayed . Never - the - less , he decided to make the best of it , so wished Kellie well , saying that at least they would have the weekends together . On Sunday night , Kellie left to get home so she could be at work on time Monday morning . After hanging out with Nancy and Kerrie Monday morning , he told his folks that he was going to go into the local town for a while and if she needed anything at the grocery store he would pick it up for her . Kerrie and Nancy asked if they could go along . After getting dressed , they started for town . As they looked around for a bit , they happened by a video arcade advertising for weekend help . Without really intending to apply for a job , they went in to inquire about the positions . The owner said that the arcade was going great , but he just couldn 't keep up with it by himself . Both he and his wife , along with two daughter 's - in - law were working seven days a week , and wanted to get some relief . Before long , they had accepted part time jobs , working six hours Friday afternoons , and twelve hours Saturday and Sunday . In addition , all the food they wanted to eat while working , they just couldn 't take any home . Ron would drive them all to work in his van . The only problem is that Ron and Kellie would only see each other from Thursday evening to Friday afternoon . Still , it was too good an opportunity to pass up . Predictably , Kellie was furious and accused Ron and the girls of doing this to spite her . No amount of reasoning made any difference , so after spending a miserable Thursday evening , Ron hoped that Kellie would be in a better mood Friday morning . He waited by the van for her usual morning visit , but she didn 't show up . Later , Nancy and Kerrie said that Kellie told them she had some shopping to do and left early Friday morning saying she would be back sometime Friday night . The work on Friday night was busy , but didn 't hold a candle to Saturday and Sunday . They were on a constant run , serving refreshments to rowdy kids , making change , and showing new - comers how to play the various games . In addition , Ron soon learned that his computer experience allowed him to resolve some game problems that cropped up from time to time . By Sunday night , they were ready for some rest ! Even though they saw Kellie driving out of the parking lot as they drove in , she didn 't stop for more than a second , saying she had to hurry home . Monday morning they all slept in , and when Ron awoke , he was confronted with his usual morning hard on . Before dealing with it , he began thinking of meeting Kellie at the van for some relief . Then realized that this was going to be the ultimate " Do it yourself job . " After unloading his pent up load , he took a leisurely shower and sauntered down to the common area with a book , planning to read for a while then go swimming . He selected a spot well away from the noisy crowd and settled back in the lounger and picked up his book . As he was reading , he noticed that two of the six girls he saw the opening day of camp were back , along with three boys . He judged that the boys ranged from about eleven to perhaps thirteen . One of them still had the little boy cock , while the other two were definitely well on the way to maturity . He smiled as he recalled the day three years ago when he first had to deal with an unruly cock with a mind of its own . Gradually , Ron felt the tension of the past three days drain away and lowered his book for a moment . Without realizing it , he drifted off and was soon dreaming a kaleidoscope of jumbled images . Before long , the dreams became erotic and soon he was slamming his cock into a beautiful cheer - leader right on the fifty yard line of the football field . He could hear people cheering him on as he pumped harder and harder . Suddenly , he was on the one yard line , and somehow knew that if he just pumped a little harder he could make a goal and win the game . The cheering got louder and louder until in a shuddering frenzy , he shot his load . At that instant , the cheering turned into subdued giggles and his eyes flew open . In an instant , he summed up several things . He had a raging erection , with fresh hot cum splattered all over his belly and book . If that weren 't bad enough , the two girls were standing about six feet away , obviously having seen the entire show . Ron sprang up and ran for the lake , diving in and swimming with strong strokes all the way to the other side . There he climbed out and disappeared onto the path around the lake . He walked for perhaps fifteen minutes when he sensed that he wasn 't alone . Glancing around to see what had caused the feeling , he slowly turned from side to side . Not seeing anything , he started walking again , when suddenly he heard a rustling sound and the two girls ran out of the trees grabbing his hands . " Nothing , " smirked the older one , who said her name was Karen . " We just wanted to be sure you were OK , you ran off so fast we didn 't get a chance to say hello , " she said with a big grin . " Why did you run away , it was just getting interesting . " " Yeah , tell us what the dream was about , " chided the younger named Michelle . " It must have been pretty good to make all that happen . And , what did happen , we 've never seen anything like that before ! " " Oh , we were playing around up in the trees a couple of years ago and we saw you and Kellie kissing . Then we saw you put your hands on her tits and then you got on top of her and put your cock in her bottom and bounced up and down for a while . When Kellie started groaning , we got scared and ran away , but we came back a few times after that . " Of course not Ronnie , we didn 't want you to get in trouble . You were always nice to us in the swimming pool , helping us do flips in the water and boosting us out of the pool . Besides , we kind of liked watching and if we told , we wouldn 't get to watch again . " " Probably only about eight or ten times , " said Michelle as some red colored her cheeks . " We thought we were the only ones who knew , but one time we saw Julie going by , and sometimes Nancy and Kerrie would take a peek and we didn 't want to get caught watching . But , we did watch enough times to know that it looks like a lot of fun , " she giggled . With all their talk and descriptions , Ron 's cock began to twitch and he realized it would soon be completely out of control . He looked desperately for somewhere to go , when Michelle started to giggle . " Hey look Karen , its happening right now . " With that , she made a fumbling grab at his cock and began to explore . Ron 's knees felt weak and he sank down onto the blanket of leaves by the trail . Soon both Karen and Michelle were squatted down beside him , taking turns feeling his cock and balls . Before long , he knew that it wouldn 't take much for him to shoot his load , so he showed them how to stroke his cock until his cum spurted out , spilling onto their hands and tits . Some of it even hit Karen on the face and began sliding down toward her lips . Perhaps it was instinctive , but she slid her tongue out and touched the dripping goo then licked it off . Michelle was watching intently then asked what it tasted like . Michelle took a little dollop of cum off her right breast and tentatively touched her tongue to it , then sucked her finger clean . " Not bad , " she observed , " I wonder what it would taste like straight from the source , " said in a wondering voice . With that , she quickly bent down and took Ron 's cock in her mouth and began to suck . Ron could feel his cock being drained as Michelle increased the sucking . Pretty soon , her tongue was swirling around the head of his cock then she bean to bob her head up and down , taking his cock all the way to the back of here throat . Although he had just shot off less than ten minutes before , he could feel his balls starting to stir . He knew it wouldn 't be a big shot , but even so he wanted to warn Michelle what was going to happen . " Michelle , if you don 't stop right now , I am going to cum in your mouth , " he gasped . Michelle didn 't even slow down , in fact she speeded up , and moments later , Ron released a minimal load of white sticky goo into Michelle 's mouth . She coughed a little but swallowed the small load like a trooper as Ron flopped down on his back . Within moments , his cock was limp . Michelle wiped her mouth on her towel saying that it tasted kind of good . " Good , we will wait for you in the place where you and Kellie always did it , " she commented as if it were all settled . " See you then . " With that , they scampered off , leaving Ron to ponder how the hell he was going to deal with this . The next morning Ron met Kerrie and Nancy after breakfast . After some hesitation , he filled them in on what had happened and what he should do . The girls expressed disappointment that they had chosen to take a nap instead of being there . Ron said that it probably wouldn 't make any difference , sooner or later the girls would have figured out a way to make it happen . The rest of the discussion was how to deal with the situation that now existed . " Come on , Ron , you know I didn 't mean that you weren 't gentle and caring with me or that it wasn 't nice doing it with you , its just that I found out it wasn 't the big deal the other girls said it would be . I did it again last year but the guy turned out to be a real jerk who just wanted to brag . I am glad I did it with you first , but don 't want to do it again unless it is someone I really love and want to do something more to show it . " " On the one hand , it sounds too good to be true , but I 'm not so sure that I feel a lot different than you do Nancy . I mean it was fun to do it with you guys , especially your first time . I really wanted you to like it and of course it was new and exciting for me , and I wasn 't worried about you running to your Dad and blaming me for taking your virginity . But , I am older now and while I still really like doing it I 'm not sure I want to have two thirteen year olds in love with me . What if they get mad and tell their parents , I could really get in trouble . " Nancy was about to agree when Karen and Michelle crawled into the special place . After glaring at Kerrie and Nancy for a moment , Karen turned to Ron and gave him a big smile . He could tell that she was pushing her chest out to make her tits look as big as possible . A quick look at Michelle said she was doing the same thing . A moment later he felt his cock stir and before long , his second brain took over his thinking . Glancing at Nancy , she got the message and took Kerrie 's hand pulling her out of the hideout . Karen immediately moved toward Ron with a seductive smile as she knelt down in front of him . Tentatively she stuck her tongue out and swiped Ron 's cock . Seeing it jump she smiled and moved even closer . Opening her mouth wide , she took the tip into her warm wet mouth and began sucking . Ron knew he couldn 't last long , and began to sink down . Karen followed taking even more cock into her mouth . Ron decided to just let it happen and soon he felt the first sensation followed by a huge spurt of cum , then another and another . Karen gagged and coughed , pulling her head back . " You mean " Just say no , but what if I don 't want to just say no , what if I want to know what it 's like , the older girls say it 's really fantastic and they can 't wait to do it again , " exclaimed Michelle . " And besides , I know about condoms , Mom told me , and even showed me one like they use when she doesn 't want it to be so messy . So , don 't preach at me ! " By now Ron 's cock was taking over his brain , so he suggested that they go to his van just down the road . He told Michelle to go first and make sure no one was looking and crawl into the back doors . Then , Karen was to go and if no one had noticed she was to get in the front . When he heard the door slam , he would follow . With that , she was off before Ron could object . Shortly he heard the door close , and with a stroke of his cock for good luck , he followed . Once inside the van , he closed and locked the door then tested it to be sure it was really locked . By now , his cock was totally in control of his brain and he wasted little time getting the necessary protection from the cabinet . Michelle looked a bit puzzled by the Norforms , but after a brief explanation , she quickly slipped one in while Ron rolled a condom over his pounding cock . Michelle felt his condom covered cock which only raised the desire to an even higher level . Pushing Michelle back , he moved between her legs and moved his KY covered cock to her virgin pussy . Moving still closer , he pushed her legs a little further apart , then suggested that she bend her knees a bit and let them fall apart . Michelle seemed to be an eager student , so Ron gently pushed forward . He felt his cock head slip easily past the labia until it encountered some resistance . He told Michelle to take a deep breath and let it out . As she did , Ron could feel her pussy relax a little , so he pressed in a tiny bit deeper , all the while watching Michelle 's face for signs of pain . She had a strange kind of excited look in her eyes then took another deep breath and let it out . As Ron pushed forward , she jerked her hips up to meet his thrust and he sank all the way in . Michelle gave a surprised squeak of pain then broke into a big smile . " Is it in , is it in ? " she whispered . With that , Ron pulled back a little then pressed forward . After a couple of times , Michelle started to move with him and before long they were rocking so hard that Karen could feel the whole van move . Ron knew he couldn 't last too long with Michelle 's tight pussy gripping his cock and he also knew she probably wouldn 't come her first time , so he just pressed forward , slamming his cock in to full depth . Suddenly Michelle wrapped her legs around his waist and began kicking his ass and whimpering , " do it , do it , do it hard ! " Ron shot his load so hard that he thought his ass hole was going to blow out and splatter all over the ceiling of the van . Slowly the feeling subsided and he slowly collapsed on Michelle , rolling her onto her side while keeping his cock firmly planted in her pussy . They were both panting as if they had just run an Olympic race in record time . After about five minutes , Ron felt his cock slip out and Michelle rolled away . Ron said he would have to wait for a while , but Michelle said she could help . She pulled the used condom off and wrapped it in a paper towel , then knelt beside Ron and took his limp cock in her mouth . After a couple of experimental licks , she sucked him all the way in and began to alternately suck and blow , sliding his limp cock in and out of her mouth . Before long , she couldn 't go all the way to his balls as his cock was responding . Moments later , he was once again at full mast . Michelle awkwardly rolled a new condom on and Karen said she was ready . Seeing that Karen had lubed herself generously , Ron rolled into position and after a couple of fumbling attempts , found the right place . Moving forward , he was amazed when he just slid in without any resistance . Realizing that she would have no pain from a torn hymen , he began gentle thrusting . Karen didn 't respond very much so he just kept thrusting , knowing that he could continue for some time . He was puzzled when Karen just lay there letting him do everything . They made small talk for a while then Michelle quietly left , leaving Ron to ponder what had happened . He had made love to two more virgins , although he wasn 't that sure if Karen was really a virgin or not . No question about Michelle though , and man was she responsive for her first time . Again , he wondered about Karen 's lack of enthusiasm and total absence of participation in the event . After cleaning the van and making sure nothing was left that would let anyone know what had happened , he slipped out and went to the common area . Ron briefly described what had taken place , expressing concern that Michelle wasn 't going to be deterred in the least . Kerrie seemed a bit concerned with his observation , but didn 't comment . Still Ron had a feeling that she wasn 't happy with his report . After swimming for a while , then playing volleyball with some of the adults , they all decided to join Kerrie at her trailer for hotdogs and Cokes . After lunch , Michelle and Karen arrived back at the common area at the same time Ron , Nancy and Kerrie came in . Michelle seemed to be moving a bit carefully , while Karen just acted as if nothing special had happened that morning . As Ron watched Michelle , it was more obvious that she was in some amount of pain , walking only when necessary and taking a great deal of care when sitting down . Ron was glad that he didn 't have to experience a torn hymen ! The younger girls stayed to themselves for the next few days . Ron was looking forward to seeing Kellie Thursday night when she was scheduled to return to the resort . However ; when she did drive in , it was obvious that she was avoiding not only Nancy and Kerrie , but Ron in particular . Try as he may , Ron couldn 't get a moment alone with her . Finally he gave it up , thinking he would see her in the morning . The next morning , nothing had changed ; Kellie was absolutely cold and distant to Ron . She did spend a little time with Nancy , but avoided Kerrie . Ron decided not to play her game , and got the new book he wanted to read and settled down in the common area . After lunch , they got ready for work . As they drove to town , Ron asked if they knew what was happening , why Kellie was acting the way she did . " I 'm not sure , but I think she met some guy , " commented Nancy . " She also thinks you have eyes for Kerrie . " Ron didn 't comment , but did glance at Kerrie . He noted that her face was tinged with red . OK , he didn 't have any hold on Kellie , and certainly wasn 't going to make a fool of himself by pretending she owed him anything . He did like her and had for several years , but he also knew that at their ages , emotions and maturity changed things . He prepared himself to graciously accept her announcement , when and if she decided to break it off . Work that weekend was exciting but rather intense . Just before closing time Sunday afternoon , some guy started giving Kerrie a hard time . He followed her around demanding her attention . She tried to get rid of him so she could do her work but he wouldn 't give up . Finally she mentioned it to Ron , so he suggested the guy either play with the games or leave . The next few seconds seemed like a life time . They guy spun on Kerrie and called her a cold bitch , then cocked his fist as if he were going to take a poke at Ron . Without thinking , Ron went into the defensive mode his Karate training had taught him , and when the poke came , he sidestepped and flipped the guy so hard it knocked his breath out . When he was able to get up , a cop was ready to escort him away . As he was leaving , he called Kerrie a bitch again , and she began crying . Ron led her out of the crowd of on - lookers into the staff room , wiping her tears . She hugged him and thanked Ron for coming to her rescue , then gave him a quick kiss . Ron kissed her back ; lingering perhaps a bit longer than was necessary then left Kerrie to fix her makeup . On the way home , they talked about the incident and Kerrie commented how big and strong he was and how brave it was for him to take the guy on . Ron accepted the praise , feeling his cock take notice of the accolades . They got home about the time that Kellie was leaving . Ron tried to say goodbye to her , but she just brushed past him and drove away . He was still puzzled , but when Kerrie came up to him and gave him a big hug and a real kiss , he soon forgot Kellie and her strange behavior . By mutual agreement , they began walking and soon were the van . Ron glanced at Kerrie and noted a barely perceptible nod , so swung the back doors open and helped her in . Kerrie started to take her clothes off , but Ron stopped her . " Let me do it , " he said with a smile . " Yeh , I know , " he grunted , " but somehow it seems kind of exciting to think about taking your clothes off , " he said as he took her in his arms . Slowly he unbuttoned the front of her shirt , gently tugging it out of her jeans . While the shirt was still over her shoulders , he slipped his hands around and fumbled with the bra clasp . Having no experience with a bra , and never having needed any in a nudist camp , it took quite a while to manage the tiny hooks . Kerrie resisted the urge to help , and finally it came loose . Ron left the shirt on , sliding her bra up so he could gently massage Kerrie 's gorgeous tits . After some serious kissing , he found the button on the jeans and slowly slid the zipper down . By now , he had a huge erection and was thinking of nothing but making love to Kerrie . Hooking his fingers under the jeans and panties , he slid them both off in one long smooth motion . Kerrie shrugged her shoulders letting the shirt and bra fall to the floor . Ron made short work of his clothes , and moments later was rolling a condom over his throbbing cock . Kerrie sank to the floor and Ron quickly moved over her , positioning himself to enter her now hot wet pussy . In one long slow motion , he slid all the way in and began pumping . Kerrie tried to match his thrusts , but he was so excited that she couldn 't keep up his tempo . Long before she was ready , Ron fired his white hot cum into her and collapsed as if he had been shot . They lay together for a few moments until Kerrie pushed him off . They must have slept for about an hour when Kerrie nudged Ron awake . Extricating herself from his arms , she looked at his blinking eyes and half smile . Grabbing a couple of baby wipes , she cleaned his cock of the latex flavor then began to lick and suck the knob . Before long , his cock rose to the occasion , even though the passion was at a more manageable level . " OK , last time was for you , this time is going to be for me . " With that , she rolled a fresh condom over Ron 's throbbing cock and stretched out beside him . She initiated a gentle kiss and put his hands on her breasts . Ron responded by gently stroking them and whispering to Kerrie how beautiful she had become . Soon , he was kissing her nipples and playing with her tummy , all the while moving his hand closer and closer to her now wet and quivering pussy . Gently slipping his finger into her hot slit , he stroked up and down until she went totally rigid . Ron resisted the urge to press harder , keeping the strokes gentle and tender , gauging the effectiveness of his stoking by her eyes . Kerrie 's movements became quicker and more intense until she suddenly squeezed her legs together pulling Ron 's finger deep into her pussy as she shuddered and jerked . After several moments , she went still . Ron thought for a moment , but instead of using his finger , he slid between her legs and hoisted her knees over his shoulders . Probing with his tongue , he followed the musky smell to its source and began to flick the tip up and down her slit . Kerrie grabbed his hair and moved him gently to where she wanted and when he could feel her hard little clit , he began to suck and lick until once again she began to shudder and whip her ass back and forth , while pulling his face tightly into her pussy . Ron slid his tongue deep into her steaming love tunnel as she squeezed his head between her legs in a vice like grip . This time , her orgasm seemed to grow and rise like an orchestra coming to the crescendo of a majestic arrangement . Moments later , she went limp and fell back with a dreamy look . By now , Ron was at the highest fever pitch of sexual excitement and desire he could ever remember . He wanted his cock in that tunnel , and it was time to do it , NOW . Moving into position , he began to slam his cock home , but resisted , remembering what Kerrie said about it being about her this time . Taking a few seconds to bring himself under control , he slowly inched forward until he felt his cock touch her hair . He was so hard and rigid that he could simply move his hips until proper alignment was achieved . Then he slowly , very slowly inched his way in until he felt their pubic bones bump together . Holding there for a moment , he waited until Kerrie made a little thrust of her ass . Pulling back until he as almost to slip out , he then moved back in , slowly , slowly until their bones bumped again . He could see Kerrie 's eyes open wider as he pushed in , and her face take on an appearance of sheer joy . Again and again he pulled back and slid in . A couple of times he pulled out very slowly then slammed in hard and fast , holding for a few seconds then pulling back slowly . A couple of times he made about four hard fast thrusts followed by long slow ones . After about ten minutes of Ron carefully managing the build up of his own passion , Kerrie began whipping her ass side to side and clawing at his back . Ron responded , slamming his cock in , feeling his balls slap her ass and her feet pounding his back while she kicked like a wounded mule . Simultaneously she dug her fingernails into his back and let out a long loud moan before collapsing in a wet sweating heap with Ron on top of her . In a few seconds , they were enveloped in post coital bliss that swept over them like the proverbial lost chord . " How long do you want to book to be ? " asked Kerrie with a smile . Ron suggested that she decide how long it should be . At that suggestion , Kerrie began to giggle uncontrollably . That night Ron slept the proverbial sleep of the dead . He couldn 't remember sleeping so soundly , and awoke refreshed and ready to go . After breakfast , he took a shower . As with most nudist camps , the showers were public and unisex , so he wasn 't alone . When he stepped out , he noticed one of the younger married women looking at him with a funny smirk like smile . " What ? " he asked with a question mark on his face . " Ron , your back is like a huge billboard on the highway ; those scratches were made by one hot passionate girl in the throes of one hell of an orgasm , " she said knowingly . " Believe me , Jerry and I had the same problem , he finally told me that I had to wear gloves or cut my fingernails before we could make love . " By now she was laughing out loud and enjoying my discomfort immensely . By now , Ron was so red he thought he was going to die of embarrassment . He tired to look around to see if anyone was watching , or if there was a way out , but Angela was standing in the doorway toweling off . He couldn 't get out without pushing her aside . " Relax Ron , " she said . " I am just having fun with you . Everyone knows you can 't have all these teens together and never expect them to get together for a little experimenting now and then . Mom and Dad just made sure I had proper protection and told me to be careful . I think it 's neat that you and Kerrie are together , she always the better choice for you than Kellie . " " I saw her come to the pool area and take a shower . I could see the look of rapture on her face . I just took an educated guess when I saw your back and put two and two together . " " If they guess , they aren 't going to say anything unless you get stupid , and I don 't think you will , " she observed . " Just keep it discreet and you will be OK . Hell , people knew Jerry and I were sneaking off for sex in the morning , how else could he make it through the day without hiding in the lake or in the sand . By the way , you 've been doing a bit of cold lake swimming lately . " I hurried to the van , seeing Kerrie heading in from another direction . As soon as we were out of sight of the camp , I slipped my arm around her . Approaching the van , Kerrie stopped . Sure enough , Ron could see subtle movement , so they approached quietly . Ron motioned for Kerrie to take one door while he took the other . They listened for a few moments , hearing muffled moans and grunts . At Ron 's nod , they pulled the doors open . In an instant , an amusing scenario unfolded and he had his answer to a question . Two girls were in 69 positions , but with the sound of the opening doors , they sprang apart as if they had been hit by a bolt of lightening . There lay Karen and Sandy , the girl that had teased Ron about his cock three years before . Each of them had a plastic dildo and was using it on the other . " I thought I did , " cried Karen as tears started streaming down her face . " What are you going to do ? Sandy took control . " They aren 't going to do anything , you know as much about them as they know about us , if they make anything of this , it won 't take very long to get some of the righteous bigots into this sex - mobile and we all lose . So , Ron , you aint going to do a thing are you ! " she demanded . As they crawled out , Karen turned to Ron . " I 'm sorry , I told Sandy you wouldn 't be here for another hour , and I am sorry I did it with you . I just wanted to see if I could like doing it with a boy as much as I like doing it with Sandy , but I didn 't feel anything at all . Sandy makes me feel really good and - - - - - - - " Ron let it drop and took Kerrie 's hand , pulling her away . Sandy and Karen left , walking round the path the other direction . After a few minutes , they walked back to the van and climbed in . Kerrie slipped an insert in while Ron rolled on a condom . Soon they were making love , although it was somewhat subdued after the events that had just taken place . After Kerrie had an orgasm , Ron speeded up his thrusting and once again they had a satisfying mutual climax . As they cuddled for a while , Kerrie turned her face up for a kiss . After that experience , both Karen and Michelle stayed away from Ron . After a couple of days wearing a shirt , Ron 's back healed up to where he could once again go without it . That next Thursday night , Kellie told him that she wanted to break up . Ron just nodded and told her he thought it had been fun , but that they had both grown up a lot and things changed . With a tender kiss , they went their own way . Moments later , Kerrie joined him , pulling him away from Kellie . I like Kerrie better than Kellie anyway . But what happened with the sister and her boyfriend ? That storyline just kinda died after the first part of the story . |
Introduction : My specialaty is First Time Sex , but so many have asked for a sequel to Nudist sex that I have written a second part . If this is well accepted , I can do a third one . First Time Wonder Nudists Have Sex - Part 2 Ron awoke early and sprang out of bed , eager for the events of the day . He couldn 't help but smile at the dramatic difference three years had made . He recalled with a smile how he had dreaded going to the " Bare River Bend Nudist Resort " that day three years ago . He had been barely thirteen at that time , but now at sixteen , with a driver 's license and a car the world would be different - at least he thought and hoped it would be different ! Ron 's smile grew even bigger as he thought about his car , although " car " wasn 't really a good description of it . Last fall his uncle had retired from his home appliance repair business , and had given Ron one of the service vehicles . It had been specially fitted to serve Uncle Jake 's unique needs . The two front seats were standard Chevrolet nine passenger van configuration , but other than that , it had been custom designed . Ron had stripped out the special built drawers and parts bins then carpeted the floor and two sides , all the way to the roof . There were no windows as Uncle Jake figured the van was more secure if people couldn 't see what was inside . Ron left the solid wall between the passenger compartment and the van so that he use the cabinets and drawers mounted to that partition for the stereo components , as well as anything else he decided . The floor had two layers of the thickest carpet pad available and then plush carpet on top of that . Thus , the floor was extremely comfortable , making a nice place to sleep when he and his friends went camping . Of course it served another purpose the one time he and Kellie had gotten together for a date . She had helped him choose the carpet , and it was her idea to make the floor soft enough for love making . Together , they had stocked the few remaining cabinets with all the things they needed , condoms , spermicidal jelly , lube , etc . Although it was fully stocked , it wouldn 't be immediately obvious to the casual observer . Ron had modified the drawers such that a casual look would reveal nothing but a drawer with little or nothing in it , a few books , trinkets , stereo controls etc . However ; if one knew where to press on the bottom of the drawer , it would tilt up revealing the space beneath the false bottom . His parents were also happy for Ron to have transportation as Dad had always taken the car home during the week , leaving the rest of the family to stay at the resort . His sister , Julie , had gone away to college , and except for visiting about once a month during the summer , she wasn 't at the resort that much . She commented that while she still loved to come to the resort , she wasn 't willing to make it known that her parents lived at a nudist resort during the summer . As he showered and prepared to drive with his Mom and Dad to the resort , he was looking forward to seeing Kellie on a daily basis . After toweling off and studying his now six foot stature , he was quite pleased with what he saw . He had grown into a rather well muscled football player , who maintained a straight A average . While he didn 't lack for opportunities for girl friends , he still considered Kellie " His Girl , " and she likewise called him " Her Man . " Just thinking of Kellie resulted in the inevitable proud erection , and soon his cock was at its full seven inch glory . Actually it was just slightly less than seven inches , but what the hell , everyone else probably exaggerated a bit , so he always thought of it as seven inches . It didn 't take but a few minutes to provide the desperately needed relief , and he was happy to unload his pent up passion so that he could properly make love to Kellie in a few hours . Just as they were getting ready to leave , Julie arrived , breathless and excited . She explained that she just couldn 't miss the opening day of the resort , and decided to spend the weekend with the family . She would go with us to the resort then ride home with Dad Sunday night . When she saw my van , she said that she would ride with me so she could catch up with me , thinking that at the camp I would be otherwise occupied . We laughed and exchanged compliments for a few minutes when Julie became a bit more serious . " Ronnie , if I bring a Ken to the camp , do you think you could , well , you know , kind of help him fit in , I mean , you know , he kind of wants to come , but kind of doesn 't want to . You know how shy he can be . " " Well , he is actually very strict , his dad is a preacher , and he believes we shouldn 't make love until we are married . I know that is a bit unusual today , but it is actually kind of refreshing not to have someone pawing at me . Oh we do plenty , in fact we have ' done everything but ' and I can tell you he is really hot and hung like a stud horse , but he just doesn 't want to actually have sex , at least not until we are engaged and sure it is going to work out . " We drove along in silence for a couple of minutes while I pondered the situation then turned to Julie again . " Hey , how did he find out we are nudists ? We were very careful the times you bought him home for a visit . " Julie kind of giggled and related the story . They had been dating for over a year and she had bought him home twice . Mom , Dad and I liked him immediately and thought he and Julie made a really nice couple . One evening Ken came to pick her up at the Sorority house , but she was late getting home from work . Julie was just getting out of the shower when Ken arrived , so she asked her roommate to have Ken get her purse out of the car as she had been in such a hurry she forgot to bring it in . He got the purse , but as he closed the car door , it caught the side of the purse and popped the catch open , spilling everything onto the driveway . Ken quickly began gathering all the myriad items that girls carry in their purses . He came to her wallet , which had also fallen open and gotten dust all over the photos and credit cards . When he got back into the house , he decided to wipe everything off , so carefully slipped the various licenses and cards out and gently wiped them off . He wasn 't paying much attention , other than a quick glance to see that he had them dusted when he noticed a white card with a blue circle that read , " AANR Nude Recreation . " As he looked more closely , he could see the small print at the very top reading , " Serving Family Social Nude Recreation Since 1931 . " Julie noticed that Ken was nervous and jittery all through the concert , and instead of going out with the rest of the gang for a Coke , he suggested that they go for a little drive . He pulled up by the moonlit lake and suggested that they sit by the shore and watch the moon light sparkling on the water . Finally Julie demanded to know what was wrong . " Yes , I know , you think that being naked automatically means sex . Well , it just isn 't so , we have very strict rules , you can 't even hug except for just a second or two , no one wants to have anyone think it is about sex , it is about enjoying being naked and feeling the sun and breeze on your bare skin . Of course nudists have sex when and where appropriate , and I suppose some actually push the rules a bit , but I have never seen anyone do anything even close to sex in the open areas of the resort . And besides , I don 't have any problems with a clingy wet swimming suit , I just drip dry ! " she replied with a laugh . " I 'm not taking you home , and I 'm not preparing a news release because I haven 't heard anything news - worthy , " he said firmly as he gathered her in his arms and kissed the tears away . " You don 't really think I would do that to you do you ? Because if you do , then I am afraid I am as hurt as you are ! " " Well , of course I want to see you naked , any man would , but actually I am remembering when a bunch of us kids used to go out to the sand pit on Sam 's place . There weren 't any roads out there and it was surrounded by trees . We would skinny dip all summer long , and I really liked it for the reasons you just said . " No , at that age , we didn 't want girls around , so we always ditched them . But then one day Connie and Betty followed us , and as soon as we got in the water they stole all our clothes and hid them . We couldn 't find them , so since the church was right by the edge of the farmer 's land , I was elected to sneak in the back door of the church and get the Jr . Choir robes for everyone . I was able to make it , but mom saw me sneaking out the back door with the robes and was there to meet us when we came back . When all the smoke cleared , we were never allowed to go to the sand pit again . It wasn 't because we were naked , Dad said that swimming with a bunch of guys naked wasn 't any big deal , but he said the sand pit was very deep and it was much too dangerous . I guess I am thinking that it would be nice to re - live the experience of skinny dipping again . " Ron was smiling when Julie finished her story , then assured her that he would be happy to help Ken , but wasn 't just sure what to do if he really didn 't want to make love until they were married . He would have to think on this a bit . About that time they arrived at the resort and he maneuvered the van into a spot he had been thinking about all winter long . Julie glanced at him and nodded her approval as they stepped out of the van . " No one can see the van from here , either from the main social area , or from the camping area where Mom and Dad 's trailer is , " she observed . Ron nodded his agreement , and began to shed his clothes . Julie did likewise , and as Ron opened the rear doors of the van to put his clothes inside , Julie stepped around from the passenger side . Ron stared for a moment then realized that Julie was staring at him as well . At that moment , Kellie came jogging up the trail and turned into the secluded parking space . Ron tried to keep his towel positioned so that his erection wasn 't so obvious while at the same time trying to figure how he was going to hug Kellie . It seemed as if he hadn 't seen her for a year , when in fact it had only been a little over a month . Kellie rushed up to Ron and launched herself at him . He had no choice but to drop the towel and catch her in mid air . Kellie wrapped her legs around Ron 's waist and squeezed her breasts against his chest while at the same time meeting his lips in a tender but passionate kiss . Ron rolled on top of Kellie , glad that he had jerked off that morning , hoping that would give him some staying power , but he doubted it would be as much as he wanted . In a moment , he had slid into Kellie and felt his balls slap her firm little ass . They clung to each other for several seconds , savoring the feel of their bodies as they melted together . Then Ron began to slowly and teasingly move his hips , pressing upward in order to put pressure on Kellie 's clit . Kellie responded by wiggling her ass back and forth savoring the friction in her pussy and clit . It wasn 't long before Ron was speeding up his movements , and shortly was slamming his cock into Kellie as if he were trying to crawl in behind it . All too soon , his sperm came boiling out of his cock , feeling like it was being forced out with a series of rocket explosions . They collapsed together , cuddling and whispering their love for each other , and floating with the euphoria of their mutual orgasms . It wasn 't more than fifteen minutes until Ron said he was ready for some more love . He began by kissing his way from Kellie 's forehead all the way to her feet , then up the inside of her legs , until he reached her wet lips . He wasn 't that keen to slip his tongue into her as the Norform insert had melted and the taste wasn 't that nice , but he did manage to flip his tongue on Kellie 's clit a few times . By now his cock was feeling as if it were ready to rip the condom open , and he passionately slid back into Kellie , feeling his cock slide home as if it were being called by an irresistible force , pulling him in . Suddenly he realized that he could feel Kellie 's pussy opening and closing like it actually was pulling him in . Kellie had two increasingly satisfying orgasms when Ron felt he could no longer hold back and began pounding into her as hard as he could . Once again , his sperm rocketed down the launching tube and if it were not for the condom , he was sure it would have been forcibly injected right into Kellie 's cervix . They collapsed together and drifted into a contented sleep . They were awakened by a banging on the doors and hearing Kerrie and Nancy yelling for them to come out . After saying they would be out in a minute , they quickly grabbed some baby wipes and cleaned up a bit , then after securing everything in a plastic trash bag in one of the drawers , they opened the doors . Kerrie and Nancy hopped in , exclaiming about how nice the van was . They both tested the carpet by lying down and bouncing a bit . " Not bad , " mused Kerrie , " and with the springs , I bet you two had a nice ride ! " They walked together toward the lake . As they walked , Ron couldn 't help but notice that both Kerrie and Nancy had grown bigger tits . In fact both were bigger than Kellie , and Nancy 's actually had a bit of sag to them . Ron still liked Kellie 's the best , they were not all that big , but fit her frame very nicely , stood out proudly and while they bounced a little , they didn 't sag . Plus , the nipples got really hard when they were making love , and sometimes he could tell when she was ready just by looking at how proudly her nipples stood out . When they got to the lake , Ron noticed six girls that didn 't look familiar . On second glance , they did look somewhat familiar , but he couldn 't quite place them . He asked Kellie about them , and she said that they were all here last year , all were thirteen , but he just hadn 't noticed them last year because they were still pesky flat chested little pests . Ron observed that while they may still be little pests , they certainly weren 't flat chested ! They ranged from little lemon sized bumps to a full A size . Not bad , thought Ron , as he made a note to keep an eye on their development over the summer . Not bad at all ! All of a sudden , he became aware that two of the girls were whispering between themselves and taking furtive little glances at him , or rather his cock . Just the knowledge that they were peeking at his cock caused the stirring that let him know it would soon be out of control . Dropping his towel , he plunged into the lake . The instant he hit the water , he realized why no one else was swimming in the lake and everyone was around the heated pool . It was freezing cold , so cold that it took his breath away . On the other hand , it immediately took care of his other problem , so he grinned at the shock as he slowly got used to the cold , then teased the girls about staying on the shore . Realizing that no one was going to join him , he finally came out , dried himself on the towel and lay in the sun to warm up . Kellie lay her towel down beside him , and Nancy and Kerrie did the same . Soon they were catching up on the winter 's events . Both Nancy and Kerrie now had boy friends of several months standing and were excitedly filling in the gang about how special they were . Ron asked if the boys knew that they were spending the summer at a nudist resort . Kerrie said Jimmy didn 't know , and she was taking all the steps to make sure he didn 't find out , as he could be a bit of a gossip . Nancy admitted that she had told Bill one night , and he seemed to be OK with it . In fact , he had even asked if he could visit her one day . " Sure , " replied Nancy , " You just want to find out if we have done it , " she said with a smile . " Well , we haven 't , but when he comes up here and sees all the naked girls , he is going to go absolutely wild . " So , why haven 't you done it ? It 's not like you never did it before , " observed Kerrie as she glanced at Ron . The talk about making love had the predictable affect on Ron , and before long he was secretly trying to digging a hole in the sand to hide his erection . Kellie noticed his movements and asked what he was trying to do . Ron didn 't respond and rolled onto his stomach to hide his rising erection . When he did , Kellie began to tickle him , and before the other girls thought about what was actually going on , they jumped up and began helping Kellie as they tickled and pummeled him unmercifully . Finally , unable to withstand their punishment , Ron rolled over and tried to sit up , but Nancy immediately flopped down over his chest . Suddenly , everyone got very quiet . Ron could hear the collective gasp as his fully erect cock stood pointing to the sky . " Looks like we should all go in the lake , " commented Kerrie as she stood up . After pulling Kellie and Nancy up , the three of them formed a line on the common side of Ron and began moving toward the lake . At the edge they hesitated , recalling how cold Ron said the lake was . Glancing over they could see that nothing had changed ; Ron 's cock was so hard it was sticking almost straight up . Ron couldn 't help but see Kerrie 's expression and felt as if she were silently applauding how big he had become . After discussing how to get in the water , Ron just put his arms around the group and shoved them all into the lake . The expected screaming and spluttering filled the air as they came up . The girls didn 't stay in the water very long , but Ron said it was nice . Actually he was freezing his ass off , but had to stay in while the cold water did its job . Shortly , he too climbed out and toweled off . They decided to go for a walk around the lake and soon they were scampering around , tossing small rocks off the hiking path , and generally having a good time . Kellie and Nancy pulled ahead , looking at a couple of birds flittering from branch to branch . Nancy speculated that the brightly colored Cardinal was trying to seduce the more sedately colored female , to which Kellie commented that was a man for you . Kerrie fell into step with Ron and glanced up at him as if she wanted to say something . " We haven 't actually done it , but I have seen his cock a few times . He took his pants off one night when he was trying to get me to do it with him in the back seat , but I told him I just didn 't want to do it there so I started to jerk him off while he played with my breasts . I had let him put his finger in me , but he was rough and wouldn 't just touch me tenderly , so I told him he had to stop . He didn 't want to and that was when I started pumping his cock really fast , but as soon as he came he just wanted to take me home . I was really mad at him , it seems like all he wanted to do was for his own satisfaction and what I wanted didn 't matter . Then the next day at school I heard that he was telling the guys on the football team that he had fucked me . I was so mad that I wouldn 't let him touch me for two weeks ! I also let the word out that he didn 't fuck me , he couldn 't get it big enough to do anything but jack off . Boy was he mad ! " " We are still going out , but I didn 't let him even touch my breasts for a whole month . One night he said he was sorry and told the guys he only said he fucked me because they were teasing him , and that we hadn 't actually done anything more than play around in the back seat . So , I forgave him . He had been really nice to me , so we got in the back seat again and I let him take my shirt and bra off . This time he was gentle , kissing my nipples like he really cared about how I felt . I let him put his hand up my skirt and slide my panties down . At first he was careful and actually found my clit . " " I decided to reciprocate so I opened his pants , pulled his cock out and started to play with him . I even kissed the tip of his cock and licked around the head , but then he jammed his finger inside me so hard that it hurt so I pushed him off and started to put my clothes back on . He got really mad and said if I wouldn 't play the game he would say that he fucked me again . I slapped him really hard then told him to look at my hand . I said that if I even heard a hint of him telling that story , I would say that when I put my hand around his cock I couldn 't even see the tip sticking out past my fist . He was so mad that he didn 't speak to me for two weeks , but now he wants to get together again . I just don 't know , if he ever found out that I come to a nudist resort , I would be fair game for every guy on the football team . " Ron stopped abruptly , pulling Kerrie to a stop beside him . " No , I didn 't say I wanted to go out with you , well , I don 't mean that I wouldn 't like to go out with you , you are a beautiful girl and I like you , I always have . I am just saying that if you were my girl friend and not Kellie , I would know how to treat you nice and see that you had a good time too . I have learned that making love is more than just pushing your cock into a girl , and that a girl can have fun too . That 's all . " " I guess I didn 't really think , we had always done things together for so long and when I knew that you and Kellie did it , I was jealous and just wanted to be able to say I did it with you too . Nancy felt the same way , we didn 't see it so much as making love or being in love , it was just something that Kellie had done and we hadn 't , so it seemed like a natural thing to try to have the same experience . As for how it felt , it hurt like hell for a minute then it felt really full but I didn 't feel anything special other than knowing that it made you feel good . The next day I was sore and had to be careful that Mom didn 't figure out what we did . I haven 't done it since you and I did it three years ago , I guess I wanted it to be special and am waiting for someone special . " " She says she did it a couple of times last year with a guy who was in a play with her . They were supposed to be a married couple with a rowdy teen ager in the school play . Naturally , one of the scenes included a kiss but neither of them had much experience and it seemed really awkward , so the director suggested that they practice a few times in private to make the scene seem more natural . So , they stayed after school and met in the prop room to practice . After a while , they got the hang of it but decided to continue practicing . Pretty soon he was feeling her boobs then had his hands under her blouse and before long she was topless . Before they finished , they had used one of the beds for another purpose other than sleeping . They did it once again but then Nancy missed her period , or at least thought she had . When it was three days late she told him she thought she was pregnant . He claimed it had to be someone else , and walked off . She was devastated . She didn 't think they were in love or were going to get married , she just thought he would help her out of the situation . Luckily she got her period a couple days later . When she told him she wasn 't pregnant , he wanted to have sex again , but she told him to fuck off , she didn 't need someone who would abandon her at the first sign of a problem . Now she is hooked up with Billy , and he seems like a really nice guy . " About that time , Nancy and Kellie hollered for them to catch up , so that was the end of the conversation . As the four of them walked around the lake , sharing how their winter had gone , Kellie stopped and said that she had something to tell everyone . " I am not going to be spending the whole week here every day like we have for as long as I can remember . I talked Mom and Dad into letting me get a car , but now I have to pay for my own insurance and some of the cost . Dad is helping , but he says that if I want more freedom , I have to take more responsibility . So , I have a job that means I have to ten hours a day , Monday through Thursday then I have Friday , Saturday and Sunday off and come up here . " Ron was stunned . He too had a car and expenses and had thought of getting a summer job . He actually did work part time during school and had saved up enough money so that he and Kellie could spend the entire summer together . Now this ! In some ways , he felt betrayed . Never - the - less , he decided to make the best of it , so wished Kellie well , saying that at least they would have the weekends together . On Sunday night , Kellie left to get home so she could be at work on time Monday morning . After hanging out with Nancy and Kerrie Monday morning , he told his folks that he was going to go into the local town for a while and if she needed anything at the grocery store he would pick it up for her . Kerrie and Nancy asked if they could go along . After getting dressed , they started for town . As they looked around for a bit , they happened by a video arcade advertising for weekend help . Without really intending to apply for a job , they went in to inquire about the positions . The owner said that the arcade was going great , but he just couldn 't keep up with it by himself . Both he and his wife , along with two daughter 's - in - law were working seven days a week , and wanted to get some relief . Before long , they had accepted part time jobs , working six hours Friday afternoons , and twelve hours Saturday and Sunday . In addition , all the food they wanted to eat while working , they just couldn 't take any home . Ron would drive them all to work in his van . The only problem is that Ron and Kellie would only see each other from Thursday evening to Friday afternoon . Still , it was too good an opportunity to pass up . Predictably , Kellie was furious and accused Ron and the girls of doing this to spite her . No amount of reasoning made any difference , so after spending a miserable Thursday evening , Ron hoped that Kellie would be in a better mood Friday morning . He waited by the van for her usual morning visit , but she didn 't show up . Later , Nancy and Kerrie said that Kellie told them she had some shopping to do and left early Friday morning saying she would be back sometime Friday night . The work on Friday night was busy , but didn 't hold a candle to Saturday and Sunday . They were on a constant run , serving refreshments to rowdy kids , making change , and showing new - comers how to play the various games . In addition , Ron soon learned that his computer experience allowed him to resolve some game problems that cropped up from time to time . By Sunday night , they were ready for some rest ! Even though they saw Kellie driving out of the parking lot as they drove in , she didn 't stop for more than a second , saying she had to hurry home . Monday morning they all slept in , and when Ron awoke , he was confronted with his usual morning hard on . Before dealing with it , he began thinking of meeting Kellie at the van for some relief . Then realized that this was going to be the ultimate " Do it yourself job . " After unloading his pent up load , he took a leisurely shower and sauntered down to the common area with a book , planning to read for a while then go swimming . He selected a spot well away from the noisy crowd and settled back in the lounger and picked up his book . As he was reading , he noticed that two of the six girls he saw the opening day of camp were back , along with three boys . He judged that the boys ranged from about eleven to perhaps thirteen . One of them still had the little boy cock , while the other two were definitely well on the way to maturity . He smiled as he recalled the day three years ago when he first had to deal with an unruly cock with a mind of its own . Gradually , Ron felt the tension of the past three days drain away and lowered his book for a moment . Without realizing it , he drifted off and was soon dreaming a kaleidoscope of jumbled images . Before long , the dreams became erotic and soon he was slamming his cock into a beautiful cheer - leader right on the fifty yard line of the football field . He could hear people cheering him on as he pumped harder and harder . Suddenly , he was on the one yard line , and somehow knew that if he just pumped a little harder he could make a goal and win the game . The cheering got louder and louder until in a shuddering frenzy , he shot his load . At that instant , the cheering turned into subdued giggles and his eyes flew open . In an instant , he summed up several things . He had a raging erection , with fresh hot cum splattered all over his belly and book . If that weren 't bad enough , the two girls were standing about six feet away , obviously having seen the entire show . Ron sprang up and ran for the lake , diving in and swimming with strong strokes all the way to the other side . There he climbed out and disappeared onto the path around the lake . He walked for perhaps fifteen minutes when he sensed that he wasn 't alone . Glancing around to see what had caused the feeling , he slowly turned from side to side . Not seeing anything , he started walking again , when suddenly he heard a rustling sound and the two girls ran out of the trees grabbing his hands . " Nothing , " smirked the older one , who said her name was Karen . " We just wanted to be sure you were OK , you ran off so fast we didn 't get a chance to say hello , " she said with a big grin . " Why did you run away , it was just getting interesting . " " Yeah , tell us what the dream was about , " chided the younger named Michelle . " It must have been pretty good to make all that happen . And , what did happen , we 've never seen anything like that before ! " " Oh , we were playing around up in the trees a couple of years ago and we saw you and Kellie kissing . Then we saw you put your hands on her tits and then you got on top of her and put your cock in her bottom and bounced up and down for a while . When Kellie started groaning , we got scared and ran away , but we came back a few times after that . " Of course not Ronnie , we didn 't want you to get in trouble . You were always nice to us in the swimming pool , helping us do flips in the water and boosting us out of the pool . Besides , we kind of liked watching and if we told , we wouldn 't get to watch again . " " Probably only about eight or ten times , " said Michelle as some red colored her cheeks . " We thought we were the only ones who knew , but one time we saw Julie going by , and sometimes Nancy and Kerrie would take a peek and we didn 't want to get caught watching . But , we did watch enough times to know that it looks like a lot of fun , " she giggled . With all their talk and descriptions , Ron 's cock began to twitch and he realized it would soon be completely out of control . He looked desperately for somewhere to go , when Michelle started to giggle . " Hey look Karen , its happening right now . " With that , she made a fumbling grab at his cock and began to explore . Ron 's knees felt weak and he sank down onto the blanket of leaves by the trail . Soon both Karen and Michelle were squatted down beside him , taking turns feeling his cock and balls . Before long , he knew that it wouldn 't take much for him to shoot his load , so he showed them how to stroke his cock until his cum spurted out , spilling onto their hands and tits . Some of it even hit Karen on the face and began sliding down toward her lips . Perhaps it was instinctive , but she slid her tongue out and touched the dripping goo then licked it off . Michelle was watching intently then asked what it tasted like . Michelle took a little dollop of cum off her right breast and tentatively touched her tongue to it , then sucked her finger clean . " Not bad , " she observed , " I wonder what it would taste like straight from the source , " said in a wondering voice . With that , she quickly bent down and took Ron 's cock in her mouth and began to suck . Ron could feel his cock being drained as Michelle increased the sucking . Pretty soon , her tongue was swirling around the head of his cock then she bean to bob her head up and down , taking his cock all the way to the back of here throat . Although he had just shot off less than ten minutes before , he could feel his balls starting to stir . He knew it wouldn 't be a big shot , but even so he wanted to warn Michelle what was going to happen . " Michelle , if you don 't stop right now , I am going to cum in your mouth , " he gasped . Michelle didn 't even slow down , in fact she speeded up , and moments later , Ron released a minimal load of white sticky goo into Michelle 's mouth . She coughed a little but swallowed the small load like a trooper as Ron flopped down on his back . Within moments , his cock was limp . Michelle wiped her mouth on her towel saying that it tasted kind of good . " Good , we will wait for you in the place where you and Kellie always did it , " she commented as if it were all settled . " See you then . " With that , they scampered off , leaving Ron to ponder how the hell he was going to deal with this . The next morning Ron met Kerrie and Nancy after breakfast . After some hesitation , he filled them in on what had happened and what he should do . The girls expressed disappointment that they had chosen to take a nap instead of being there . Ron said that it probably wouldn 't make any difference , sooner or later the girls would have figured out a way to make it happen . The rest of the discussion was how to deal with the situation that now existed . " Come on , Ron , you know I didn 't mean that you weren 't gentle and caring with me or that it wasn 't nice doing it with you , its just that I found out it wasn 't the big deal the other girls said it would be . I did it again last year but the guy turned out to be a real jerk who just wanted to brag . I am glad I did it with you first , but don 't want to do it again unless it is someone I really love and want to do something more to show it . " " On the one hand , it sounds too good to be true , but I 'm not so sure that I feel a lot different than you do Nancy . I mean it was fun to do it with you guys , especially your first time . I really wanted you to like it and of course it was new and exciting for me , and I wasn 't worried about you running to your Dad and blaming me for taking your virginity . But , I am older now and while I still really like doing it I 'm not sure I want to have two thirteen year olds in love with me . What if they get mad and tell their parents , I could really get in trouble . " Nancy was about to agree when Karen and Michelle crawled into the special place . After glaring at Kerrie and Nancy for a moment , Karen turned to Ron and gave him a big smile . He could tell that she was pushing her chest out to make her tits look as big as possible . A quick look at Michelle said she was doing the same thing . A moment later he felt his cock stir and before long , his second brain took over his thinking . Glancing at Nancy , she got the message and took Kerrie 's hand pulling her out of the hideout . Karen immediately moved toward Ron with a seductive smile as she knelt down in front of him . Tentatively she stuck her tongue out and swiped Ron 's cock . Seeing it jump she smiled and moved even closer . Opening her mouth wide , she took the tip into her warm wet mouth and began sucking . Ron knew he couldn 't last long , and began to sink down . Karen followed taking even more cock into her mouth . Ron decided to just let it happen and soon he felt the first sensation followed by a huge spurt of cum , then another and another . Karen gagged and coughed , pulling her head back . " You mean " Just say no , but what if I don 't want to just say no , what if I want to know what it 's like , the older girls say it 's really fantastic and they can 't wait to do it again , " exclaimed Michelle . " And besides , I know about condoms , Mom told me , and even showed me one like they use when she doesn 't want it to be so messy . So , don 't preach at me ! " By now Ron 's cock was taking over his brain , so he suggested that they go to his van just down the road . He told Michelle to go first and make sure no one was looking and crawl into the back doors . Then , Karen was to go and if no one had noticed she was to get in the front . When he heard the door slam , he would follow . With that , she was off before Ron could object . Shortly he heard the door close , and with a stroke of his cock for good luck , he followed . Once inside the van , he closed and locked the door then tested it to be sure it was really locked . By now , his cock was totally in control of his brain and he wasted little time getting the necessary protection from the cabinet . Michelle looked a bit puzzled by the Norforms , but after a brief explanation , she quickly slipped one in while Ron rolled a condom over his pounding cock . Michelle felt his condom covered cock which only raised the desire to an even higher level . Pushing Michelle back , he moved between her legs and moved his KY covered cock to her virgin pussy . Moving still closer , he pushed her legs a little further apart , then suggested that she bend her knees a bit and let them fall apart . Michelle seemed to be an eager student , so Ron gently pushed forward . He felt his cock head slip easily past the labia until it encountered some resistance . He told Michelle to take a deep breath and let it out . As she did , Ron could feel her pussy relax a little , so he pressed in a tiny bit deeper , all the while watching Michelle 's face for signs of pain . She had a strange kind of excited look in her eyes then took another deep breath and let it out . As Ron pushed forward , she jerked her hips up to meet his thrust and he sank all the way in . Michelle gave a surprised squeak of pain then broke into a big smile . " Is it in , is it in ? " she whispered . With that , Ron pulled back a little then pressed forward . After a couple of times , Michelle started to move with him and before long they were rocking so hard that Karen could feel the whole van move . Ron knew he couldn 't last too long with Michelle 's tight pussy gripping his cock and he also knew she probably wouldn 't come her first time , so he just pressed forward , slamming his cock in to full depth . Suddenly Michelle wrapped her legs around his waist and began kicking his ass and whimpering , " do it , do it , do it hard ! " Ron shot his load so hard that he thought his ass hole was going to blow out and splatter all over the ceiling of the van . Slowly the feeling subsided and he slowly collapsed on Michelle , rolling her onto her side while keeping his cock firmly planted in her pussy . They were both panting as if they had just run an Olympic race in record time . After about five minutes , Ron felt his cock slip out and Michelle rolled away . Ron said he would have to wait for a while , but Michelle said she could help . She pulled the used condom off and wrapped it in a paper towel , then knelt beside Ron and took his limp cock in her mouth . After a couple of experimental licks , she sucked him all the way in and began to alternately suck and blow , sliding his limp cock in and out of her mouth . Before long , she couldn 't go all the way to his balls as his cock was responding . Moments later , he was once again at full mast . Michelle awkwardly rolled a new condom on and Karen said she was ready . Seeing that Karen had lubed herself generously , Ron rolled into position and after a couple of fumbling attempts , found the right place . Moving forward , he was amazed when he just slid in without any resistance . Realizing that she would have no pain from a torn hymen , he began gentle thrusting . Karen didn 't respond very much so he just kept thrusting , knowing that he could continue for some time . He was puzzled when Karen just lay there letting him do everything . They made small talk for a while then Michelle quietly left , leaving Ron to ponder what had happened . He had made love to two more virgins , although he wasn 't that sure if Karen was really a virgin or not . No question about Michelle though , and man was she responsive for her first time . Again , he wondered about Karen 's lack of enthusiasm and total absence of participation in the event . After cleaning the van and making sure nothing was left that would let anyone know what had happened , he slipped out and went to the common area . Ron briefly described what had taken place , expressing concern that Michelle wasn 't going to be deterred in the least . Kerrie seemed a bit concerned with his observation , but didn 't comment . Still Ron had a feeling that she wasn 't happy with his report . After swimming for a while , then playing volleyball with some of the adults , they all decided to join Kerrie at her trailer for hotdogs and Cokes . After lunch , Michelle and Karen arrived back at the common area at the same time Ron , Nancy and Kerrie came in . Michelle seemed to be moving a bit carefully , while Karen just acted as if nothing special had happened that morning . As Ron watched Michelle , it was more obvious that she was in some amount of pain , walking only when necessary and taking a great deal of care when sitting down . Ron was glad that he didn 't have to experience a torn hymen ! The younger girls stayed to themselves for the next few days . Ron was looking forward to seeing Kellie Thursday night when she was scheduled to return to the resort . However ; when she did drive in , it was obvious that she was avoiding not only Nancy and Kerrie , but Ron in particular . Try as he may , Ron couldn 't get a moment alone with her . Finally he gave it up , thinking he would see her in the morning . The next morning , nothing had changed ; Kellie was absolutely cold and distant to Ron . She did spend a little time with Nancy , but avoided Kerrie . Ron decided not to play her game , and got the new book he wanted to read and settled down in the common area . After lunch , they got ready for work . As they drove to town , Ron asked if they knew what was happening , why Kellie was acting the way she did . " I 'm not sure , but I think she met some guy , " commented Nancy . " She also thinks you have eyes for Kerrie . " Ron didn 't comment , but did glance at Kerrie . He noted that her face was tinged with red . OK , he didn 't have any hold on Kellie , and certainly wasn 't going to make a fool of himself by pretending she owed him anything . He did like her and had for several years , but he also knew that at their ages , emotions and maturity changed things . He prepared himself to graciously accept her announcement , when and if she decided to break it off . Work that weekend was exciting but rather intense . Just before closing time Sunday afternoon , some guy started giving Kerrie a hard time . He followed her around demanding her attention . She tried to get rid of him so she could do her work but he wouldn 't give up . Finally she mentioned it to Ron , so he suggested the guy either play with the games or leave . The next few seconds seemed like a life time . They guy spun on Kerrie and called her a cold bitch , then cocked his fist as if he were going to take a poke at Ron . Without thinking , Ron went into the defensive mode his Karate training had taught him , and when the poke came , he sidestepped and flipped the guy so hard it knocked his breath out . When he was able to get up , a cop was ready to escort him away . As he was leaving , he called Kerrie a bitch again , and she began crying . Ron led her out of the crowd of on - lookers into the staff room , wiping her tears . She hugged him and thanked Ron for coming to her rescue , then gave him a quick kiss . Ron kissed her back ; lingering perhaps a bit longer than was necessary then left Kerrie to fix her makeup . On the way home , they talked about the incident and Kerrie commented how big and strong he was and how brave it was for him to take the guy on . Ron accepted the praise , feeling his cock take notice of the accolades . They got home about the time that Kellie was leaving . Ron tried to say goodbye to her , but she just brushed past him and drove away . He was still puzzled , but when Kerrie came up to him and gave him a big hug and a real kiss , he soon forgot Kellie and her strange behavior . By mutual agreement , they began walking and soon were the van . Ron glanced at Kerrie and noted a barely perceptible nod , so swung the back doors open and helped her in . Kerrie started to take her clothes off , but Ron stopped her . " Let me do it , " he said with a smile . " Yeh , I know , " he grunted , " but somehow it seems kind of exciting to think about taking your clothes off , " he said as he took her in his arms . Slowly he unbuttoned the front of her shirt , gently tugging it out of her jeans . While the shirt was still over her shoulders , he slipped his hands around and fumbled with the bra clasp . Having no experience with a bra , and never having needed any in a nudist camp , it took quite a while to manage the tiny hooks . Kerrie resisted the urge to help , and finally it came loose . Ron left the shirt on , sliding her bra up so he could gently massage Kerrie 's gorgeous tits . After some serious kissing , he found the button on the jeans and slowly slid the zipper down . By now , he had a huge erection and was thinking of nothing but making love to Kerrie . Hooking his fingers under the jeans and panties , he slid them both off in one long smooth motion . Kerrie shrugged her shoulders letting the shirt and bra fall to the floor . Ron made short work of his clothes , and moments later was rolling a condom over his throbbing cock . Kerrie sank to the floor and Ron quickly moved over her , positioning himself to enter her now hot wet pussy . In one long slow motion , he slid all the way in and began pumping . Kerrie tried to match his thrusts , but he was so excited that she couldn 't keep up his tempo . Long before she was ready , Ron fired his white hot cum into her and collapsed as if he had been shot . They lay together for a few moments until Kerrie pushed him off . They must have slept for about an hour when Kerrie nudged Ron awake . Extricating herself from his arms , she looked at his blinking eyes and half smile . Grabbing a couple of baby wipes , she cleaned his cock of the latex flavor then began to lick and suck the knob . Before long , his cock rose to the occasion , even though the passion was at a more manageable level . " OK , last time was for you , this time is going to be for me . " With that , she rolled a fresh condom over Ron 's throbbing cock and stretched out beside him . She initiated a gentle kiss and put his hands on her breasts . Ron responded by gently stroking them and whispering to Kerrie how beautiful she had become . Soon , he was kissing her nipples and playing with her tummy , all the while moving his hand closer and closer to her now wet and quivering pussy . Gently slipping his finger into her hot slit , he stroked up and down until she went totally rigid . Ron resisted the urge to press harder , keeping the strokes gentle and tender , gauging the effectiveness of his stoking by her eyes . Kerrie 's movements became quicker and more intense until she suddenly squeezed her legs together pulling Ron 's finger deep into her pussy as she shuddered and jerked . After several moments , she went still . Ron thought for a moment , but instead of using his finger , he slid between her legs and hoisted her knees over his shoulders . Probing with his tongue , he followed the musky smell to its source and began to flick the tip up and down her slit . Kerrie grabbed his hair and moved him gently to where she wanted and when he could feel her hard little clit , he began to suck and lick until once again she began to shudder and whip her ass back and forth , while pulling his face tightly into her pussy . Ron slid his tongue deep into her steaming love tunnel as she squeezed his head between her legs in a vice like grip . This time , her orgasm seemed to grow and rise like an orchestra coming to the crescendo of a majestic arrangement . Moments later , she went limp and fell back with a dreamy look . By now , Ron was at the highest fever pitch of sexual excitement and desire he could ever remember . He wanted his cock in that tunnel , and it was time to do it , NOW . Moving into position , he began to slam his cock home , but resisted , remembering what Kerrie said about it being about her this time . Taking a few seconds to bring himself under control , he slowly inched forward until he felt his cock touch her hair . He was so hard and rigid that he could simply move his hips until proper alignment was achieved . Then he slowly , very slowly inched his way in until he felt their pubic bones bump together . Holding there for a moment , he waited until Kerrie made a little thrust of her ass . Pulling back until he as almost to slip out , he then moved back in , slowly , slowly until their bones bumped again . He could see Kerrie 's eyes open wider as he pushed in , and her face take on an appearance of sheer joy . Again and again he pulled back and slid in . A couple of times he pulled out very slowly then slammed in hard and fast , holding for a few seconds then pulling back slowly . A couple of times he made about four hard fast thrusts followed by long slow ones . After about ten minutes of Ron carefully managing the build up of his own passion , Kerrie began whipping her ass side to side and clawing at his back . Ron responded , slamming his cock in , feeling his balls slap her ass and her feet pounding his back while she kicked like a wounded mule . Simultaneously she dug her fingernails into his back and let out a long loud moan before collapsing in a wet sweating heap with Ron on top of her . In a few seconds , they were enveloped in post coital bliss that swept over them like the proverbial lost chord . " How long do you want to book to be ? " asked Kerrie with a smile . Ron suggested that she decide how long it should be . At that suggestion , Kerrie began to giggle uncontrollably . That night Ron slept the proverbial sleep of the dead . He couldn 't remember sleeping so soundly , and awoke refreshed and ready to go . After breakfast , he took a shower . As with most nudist camps , the showers were public and unisex , so he wasn 't alone . When he stepped out , he noticed one of the younger married women looking at him with a funny smirk like smile . " What ? " he asked with a question mark on his face . " Ron , your back is like a huge billboard on the highway ; those scratches were made by one hot passionate girl in the throes of one hell of an orgasm , " she said knowingly . " Believe me , Jerry and I had the same problem , he finally told me that I had to wear gloves or cut my fingernails before we could make love . " By now she was laughing out loud and enjoying my discomfort immensely . By now , Ron was so red he thought he was going to die of embarrassment . He tired to look around to see if anyone was watching , or if there was a way out , but Angela was standing in the doorway toweling off . He couldn 't get out without pushing her aside . " Relax Ron , " she said . " I am just having fun with you . Everyone knows you can 't have all these teens together and never expect them to get together for a little experimenting now and then . Mom and Dad just made sure I had proper protection and told me to be careful . I think it 's neat that you and Kerrie are together , she always the better choice for you than Kellie . " " I saw her come to the pool area and take a shower . I could see the look of rapture on her face . I just took an educated guess when I saw your back and put two and two together . " " If they guess , they aren 't going to say anything unless you get stupid , and I don 't think you will , " she observed . " Just keep it discreet and you will be OK . Hell , people knew Jerry and I were sneaking off for sex in the morning , how else could he make it through the day without hiding in the lake or in the sand . By the way , you 've been doing a bit of cold lake swimming lately . " I hurried to the van , seeing Kerrie heading in from another direction . As soon as we were out of sight of the camp , I slipped my arm around her . Approaching the van , Kerrie stopped . Sure enough , Ron could see subtle movement , so they approached quietly . Ron motioned for Kerrie to take one door while he took the other . They listened for a few moments , hearing muffled moans and grunts . At Ron 's nod , they pulled the doors open . In an instant , an amusing scenario unfolded and he had his answer to a question . Two girls were in 69 positions , but with the sound of the opening doors , they sprang apart as if they had been hit by a bolt of lightening . There lay Karen and Sandy , the girl that had teased Ron about his cock three years before . Each of them had a plastic dildo and was using it on the other . " I thought I did , " cried Karen as tears started streaming down her face . " What are you going to do ? Sandy took control . " They aren 't going to do anything , you know as much about them as they know about us , if they make anything of this , it won 't take very long to get some of the righteous bigots into this sex - mobile and we all lose . So , Ron , you aint going to do a thing are you ! " she demanded . As they crawled out , Karen turned to Ron . " I 'm sorry , I told Sandy you wouldn 't be here for another hour , and I am sorry I did it with you . I just wanted to see if I could like doing it with a boy as much as I like doing it with Sandy , but I didn 't feel anything at all . Sandy makes me feel really good and - - - - - - - " Ron let it drop and took Kerrie 's hand , pulling her away . Sandy and Karen left , walking round the path the other direction . After a few minutes , they walked back to the van and climbed in . Kerrie slipped an insert in while Ron rolled on a condom . Soon they were making love , although it was somewhat subdued after the events that had just taken place . After Kerrie had an orgasm , Ron speeded up his thrusting and once again they had a satisfying mutual climax . As they cuddled for a while , Kerrie turned her face up for a kiss . After that experience , both Karen and Michelle stayed away from Ron . After a couple of days wearing a shirt , Ron 's back healed up to where he could once again go without it . That next Thursday night , Kellie told him that she wanted to break up . Ron just nodded and told her he thought it had been fun , but that they had both grown up a lot and things changed . With a tender kiss , they went their own way . Moments later , Kerrie joined him , pulling him away from Kellie . I like Kerrie better than Kellie anyway . But what happened with the sister and her boyfriend ? That storyline just kinda died after the first part of the story . |
Note from Just Plain Bob Ñ I did not write this story , I merely copied it . Some time ago I received an email from Christina telling me how much she liked one of my stories . A week later she sent me an email commenting on another story of mine . Then she said that she wished she could write : I emailed her back and told her to send me the particulars and I would write her story for her . She did and I saw immediately that while she didn 't think she could write she was wrong . Her story follows almost exactly as I received it . The only changes I made were to remove a few things that might have identified her if someone she knows were to read the story . For years and years my husband has been addicted to " hot wife " or " slut wife " stories and his habit is to print out the ones he likes and leave them on my pillow for me to find after I 've put the kids to bed and get ready for bed myself . I have to say that it has been a pretty successful strategy for him . It 's not a guaranteed thing , but at least it gets the conversation started . So , over the years I 've read many , many stories and , yes , since my husband picks them only 99 . 8 % of them have been about hot wives . Me ? I 'm coming up on 33 , stunningly beautiful , built like a Victoria 's Secret model , awesomely intelligent , and so sexy the Kennedy boys would have dropped Marilyn Monroe for me in a flash . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it ! Also I 'm a wife ( over ten loving years ) , a mom and a career woman . My hubby 's problem is that I 'm NOT a slut ( at least not with anyone else ) . He has been trying to get me over to the " dark side " for years . As I said , if he reads a story about a cheating wife or , even better , watching a cheating wife with several men , I guarantee I 'll find a copy on my pillow . How subtle , but he does score high marks for effort and perseverance . But other than refusing to sleep ( well , not " sleep " ) with ten studs while he watches he has no complaints in the sex department . Believe it or not , the above scenario ( or thousands of variations ) has been his burning desire since our honeymoon when he begged me to bed a bartender who took a shine to me while we stayed at the resort . I politely declined . After our honeymoon hubby showed photos of me in a tiny honeymoon bikini to all of his friends and co - workers . Hubby couldn 't keep them to himself as I had begged him to and it made some social occasions a tad uncomfortable for me for a while after they had been passed around . Since then I avoid him like the plague whenever I see him with our digital camera . Lord knows they would be out on the Internet in seconds . Photos on the Internet is exactly why I won 't pose for my husband when he begs . After I found out he had shared our honeymoon photos I knew he would do it again at the drop of a hat and of that I am absolutely sure . I understand and I am flattered . It 's not every over thirty wife who has a husband as proud as he is about my appearance and sexuality . I would probably pose for all the naughty photos he wanted Ñ IF Ñ he would promise me that he would keep them for his own enjoyment Ñ something he refuses to do . Often when we go out I do dress a little more sexy for him , and I do enjoy his obvious appreciation of the way men look at me . I am not totally heartless to him . Understand , it DOES feel good to turn a man 's head at the mall or a PTA meeting . And I do understand the " Trophy Wife " attitude . I understand , it IS a very male thing , but what about the next step , where the husband not only wants to show his wife off , but share her ? With the trophy wife he is saying , " See what I have and that you don 't ( or can 't ) have ? " But when he shares her they can and do have her . She has suddenly become accessible and is no longer held high as a trophy . That 's where I get confused . Is it because the husband " is giving his permission " to the other men ? Or is it that the wife will do whatever the husband says and therefore he shows his mastery over her ? Over a year ago I had to go to a weeklong training / conference session . When I got home Gary quizzed me on if anything happened . I said " no " but I said it intentionally in a way that kept him pestering me . Finally I " broke down ( even crying ) " and admitted that I 'd had too much to drink the last night and wound up in a man 's room doing the dirty . I begged his forgiveness and he THANKED ME ! He said he was sorry that he wasn 't able to watch me , but he wanted to know everything . I made up a story of me and this guy having outrageous sex . Hubby became insatiable ! He couldn 't keep his hands off of me and for the next three days we had sex almost non - stop and everywhere in the house . If we would have had a chandelier I 'm sure that Gary would have found some way for us to have had sex swinging from it . On the forth day I confessed that nothing had happened and that I had made the whole thing up and he refused to believe me . After a week or so I THINK I got him to believe nothing happened ( it didn 't ) , but he often asks me to tell him about that wild nigh . I do and I admit it certainly heightens his enjoyment ( which cranks up mine ) . Still , he really surprised me with his easy acceptance of my story being true so I decided from time to time to make up other stories for him . The company I work for had a large and very nice awards dinner and I had a delightful night out and a fairly exhausting week afterwards . Hubby doesn 't like those kinds of affairs so he usually won 't go with me to them . He says that his staying home keeps us from having to pay for a baby sitter , but I finally figured out the real reason . He wants to give me the chance to play and he is afraid that if he is there I won 't . The awards dinner was very nice , held in a private room at an upscale hotel . It ended at 10 PM , far too early for me to go home to stage my planned " affair . " I joined two other married women from my company and we went into the hotel 's lounge . It was fairly crowded and we were asked to dance , several times , and we did . A little after 11 PM my friends said they were leaving Ñ still too early to go home for my plan , but I didn 't want my friends to think I wanted to stay and get " picked up " so I walked out to the parking lot with them . When their cars left , I went back inside . I sat at the bar alone , something that I had not done in years and years . It was a little exciting to be there . I nursed a drink and danced with two nice gentlemen and then I moved to a table to sit with one of them . His name was John and I told him that I was married and was enjoying a rare night out and was only interested in a friendly drink , some pleasant company and some dancing . He said that he had hoped for more , but that was fine . After midnight the disc jockey was playing only slow songs and the dancing got closer . We chatted and danced and the time flew by . I suggested coffee at the 24 - hour diner just down the road and John agreed . Before we left the hotel I retired to the restroom and removed my bra and panties in case my husband was awake when I got home ( if he wasn 't I was going to wake him ) . After coffees John walked me to my car . He had been such a gentleman that when he leaned over for a kiss I let him . It was a nice kiss even though it was closed mouthed . We said our " good nights " and then my handshake led to another kiss and that one was a lot more passionate with a lot of tongue and while my tongue played with his I had the thought that I could really make my hubby 's day if I just went ahead and let John have what he and my husband wanted . I toyed with the idea , I really did , but when I felt John 's hand slide down my front and came to rest on my pubic area with only my skirt between us I quickly broke away from John and got in my car . The last thing he said to me was : I drove away breathing a little heavier than usual . I guess it was the booze and being an " old married woman " , and away from the bar scene for so long . Thank God John was a gentleman . At 2 : 10 AM I walked into the house and made my way to the bedroom . In the car mirror I had mussed my hair and lipstick . Gary was awake when I opened the bedroom door and he said " Hi " and I said , " Oh , you 're still awake . " He asked me if I had a nice time and I told him I 'd had a very nice time . He asked if the dinner had run this late and I told him no , that it had been over at 10 . He asked me what I did after . As I answered I opened my blouse and let it drop to the floor and I saw Gary 's eyes take in the fact that my bra was missing . " We went into the lounge and danced " I said as I unzipped my skirt and let it fall to the floor . I smiled at him and said , " I had a few drinks and danced with some guys and we fooled around a little . I enjoyed myself . Nothing much beyond that to tell " I said in a way that had to make him think there was a whole lot more to it than just drinks and dancing . The no undies and the " fooled around a little " had his brain churning and he pulled me down on the bed ( still in my stockings and heels ) and we were awake almost till dawn . After we put the kids to bed Sunday night we were right back at it . It had been our best sex since I lied to him about the business conference . I knew then that I was going to keep the imaginary slut wife thing alive and well for quite a while . The first Friday of the month has traditionally been an unofficial go - to - the - bar - night at my company for years . I 've probably gone maybe three times in the last two years and have never stayed later than 8 PM , but I told my husband I 'd had such a good time at the awards dinner that I planned to go that week and he probably shouldn 't wait up for me . He was thrilled . WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN ? ? ? I went to the First Friday Happy Hour and had a few drinks and a few laughs , but by 9 PM I was asking myself " What in the hell are you doing here ? " There was no one I really wanted to spend time with and if I was going to play the role for my husband , I 'd have to think of something to keep me busy for another 4 or 5 hours . So I went to a movie and ate too much popcorn and then I went home and led hubby to believe that I 'd been bad again . It was a repeat of the night of the awards dinner . I swear that I was walking bowlegged when I went to work on Monday . Gary kept me up all Friday night and the sun was peeping through the windows when he finally let me go to sleep . He made love to me seven times between noon Saturday and the time I finally fell asleep Sunday morning and another five times between the time I put the kids to bed and left for work on Monday . We had a large crowd in a new lounge , happy hour prices , free hot appetizers and a disc jockey playing tunes . We had a great time all evening . Around 11PM or so our group was down to four and we decided to call it a night . They left and I decided to hit the ladies room before leaving . On the way to the bathroom a guy sitting at a table with three other men grabbed my wrist ( gently ) and asked : One of the other guys at the table asked me if I would dance with him and I said yes , more to rub the rude man 's nose in it than because I wanted to . I danced with him and when we went back to the table another one of the men asked me for a dance and I danced with him and then the third guy asked and I went out on the floor with him . He asked me to join them and to rub the rude man 's nose in it some more I said okay . After one dance one of the men tried to kiss me and I saw rude boy watching so I let him . Then of course the other two wanted to kiss me and I let them . The kisses got hot and then hotter and they started feeling me up . I let them get away with it because rude boy was still watching . Over the next two hours the men bought me drinks , danced with me and felt me up . I was getting pretty hot and when one of the men took my hand and put it on the lump in his trousers I left it there . He kissed me and as our tongues wrestled I stroked his cock . He took it out of his pants and I actually started to give him a slow hand job . About that time rude boy , tired of being the brunt of his buddies comments , got up and left . One of the men asked me to dance and I let go of the cock in my hand and followed him out onto the floor . By midnight the music was slow and the lights were down low and I was kissing the guys and their hands were roaming all over my body and I was loving it . They were under my skirt , on my butt and my boobs were caressed outside and inside my blouse . They took turns sitting next to me at the table and by the time the night was over I had held each one of their cocks in my hand . I knew , even if they didn 't , that if there had only been one of them he might very well have gotten lucky that night . Even as high as I was and as good as I was feeling I knew if I did one of them I would end up with all three of them wanting some and I wasn 't going to do that . Surprisingly , they were gentlemen when I called it a night and one of them walked me to my car where we spent several minutes in passionate kissing . He managed to talk his way into my car and we engaged in some more passionate necking . He managed to get my right boob out where he could munch on it and before I knew it he had two fingers in my pussy and his cock was in my hand and I was jacking him off . He was maybe two seconds from having me to the point where he might have gotten me into the back seat when his cock spit out all over my hand and that was my wake up call . I hustled him out of the car and went home . When I got home Gary was waiting up for me and even though I told him all I did was drink and dance he saw the cum spots on my dress and he noticed how wet my panties were and you know how we spent the rest of the weekend . Nothing to report on the June first Friday . A large group of us went to another bar and we had fun until around 10 PM when we called it a night Ñ all of us beat from the long hours we had been working . Hubby was disappointed that the evening was uneventful . Now he says I don 't have to wait for the first Friday to go out and enjoy myself . He isn 't fooling me . He just wants me to be able to have more chances to give him his fantasy . A co - worker , Karen , organized our " The Intern and His Harem " night out for our intern 's twenty - first birthday . It was perfect . The intern , Danny , was leaving and going back to college and Thursday was his last day on the floor . On Friday he would only be coming into the office to get his evaluation and exit interview from the bosses . On Wednesday at lunch Karen took us to an " Adults only " store to buy gag gifts for Danny 's birthday . We almost giggled ourselves to death the rest of the afternoon . Karen told us to dress as sexy as we dared for work on Thursday . I wore a suit with just a satin and lace camisole under it and before we left for dinner I went to the bathroom and removed my bra and rolled my skirt several inches at the waist . With the heat I wasn 't wearing any stockings or pantyhose so I was bare legged in my high heels . We all looked good and sexy when we climbed into Mary 's mini - van ( she volunteered to be the designated driver ) . All five of us women were married and had children . Karen had reserved us a private room at a very nice Chinese restaurant . We had a drink before the meal and wine with the meal so we were in good shape when they popped the cork on the bottle of champagne after dinner . And then it was time to open the gifts and what a blast that was . We were merciless to Danny and he had a permanent blush on the entire time . The main gift was a blow up sex doll and we tried and tried to get Danny to show us how to use it , but he wouldn 't . Karen put a CD in , playing slow , romantic music and then she turned all the lights off and with just a few candles lit we all took turns dancing with Danny . It wasn 't long before his hands were all over us and we were returning the favor . There was some heavy kissing involved and I loved it when he turned me around , filled his hands with my breasts and ground his hard on into my ass . I was just a little surprised at the size of the lump that I felt in Danny 's pants and I almost pulled him into a dark corner so I could take it out and look at it . In fact , I was just getting ready to do that when Mary pulled him away from me to dance with her . After about an hour more of dancing it was time to call it a night . On our way back to our cars Karen sat with Danny on the rear most seat and it was soon pretty obvious that she was giving Danny a blow job . Danny escorted each one of us to our cars and I hung back a little so I would be the last . When we got to my car I turned and kissed him and then his hands went to my breasts and mine went to the lump in his trousers and seconds later we were in my car , my blouse was off and I had his cock in my hand . It was big ! I 'd seen a few before I married Gary and Gary 's was a pretty good size , but Danny 's was big ! I stroked it as I stared at it and suddenly I was thinking Karen was married and had children and if she could suck Danny 's cock I should be able to do it to . I looked at him and asked : Whew ! When I got home if Jerry hadn 't been awake I damned sure would have wakened him . I kissed him and then asked him if he could taste Danny . It was another sex filled weekend and I was almost glad to go to work Monday just to get away from Gary . On the next night , Friday , I went out with Karen . We had dinner at her country club and talked about the previous night . She said her husband 's rule was " What he didn 't know wouldn 't hurt him " and as a result he never asked her questions about where she went or what she did . We stayed and danced for a while and then , after midnight , she drove us to a downtown mega - bar . It was in an old warehouse or something and it had a different themed bar on each of its four floors . We went right to the 4th floor where there was a dark lounge that was furnished with couches and love seats and where soft , quiet music was being played . There was no dance floor , everyone just sat around in those little private areas and talked . We sat down on one of the couches , ordered drinks and it wasn 't long before we were joined by a pair of nice guys . We sat and talked for a while and then Karen and her guy got real quiet and it was easy to see why . She and her guy were all over each other . Soon my guy and I were doing the same . Lots of passionate kisses and hands traveling all over each other and he got two fingers in my pussy and finger fucked me to an orgasm and then I took out his cock and jacked him off . I caught his cum in a cocktail napkin and put it in my purse to take home and leave somewhere where Gary would find it . Karen told me that she was going back to her guy 's place for a while , and I caught a cab back to my car . After my night at the intern party and the next night at the hook - up lounge with Karen , Gary escalated his wishes for becoming a cuckold . Before we left for vacation he wanted me to promise to fuck the next guy to feel up my boobs . I told him that he needed professional help . One night we went to this new gigantic club with several levels and indoor and outdoor bars . The place had DJs , loud music and the crowd ranged from retirees to kids with fake Ids . It was packed with people . During the course of the evening hubby got to watch me dance with several different men anywhere from ten years younger than me to twenty years older and all of them had a good time feeling me up . One young guy , maybe five years younger than me got his hand down inside the front of my skirt and was rubbing my pussy through my underpants and I looked over at hubby and saw him smiling while he watched . The next time we went hubby played the cliched " I 'll park the car and join you inside . It was well over an hour before I saw him again standing over in a corner watching and hoping . I was sitting at a table with a crowd and I danced , necked ( rather passionately at times ) , was felt up and did some feeling up of my own ( I ran into a lot of hard dicks in those clubs ) . But to hubby 's disappointment nothing else happened . A couple of nights later it was Friday and we went back to the big club . Hubby dropped me at the door and pulled the " I 'll go park the car " routine on me again . It was shoulder to shoulder inside the club and I was being felt up just walking through the place . I finally wound up outside on an artificial beach . It was still crowded , but at least there was room to move . I soon had an attractive man ( Alan ) buying my drinks and dancing with me . It seemed like hours and I hadn 't seen my hubby at all . Things started to develop and as we were dancing cheek to cheek Alan leaned down for a kiss . It was terrible ! I hadn 't kissed such a terrible kisser since I was a teenager . He was sloppy , wet and all over the place on my face . He obviously had no idea of what to do with a nipple because he squeezed mine like I was a bug on the wall or something . I quickly excused myself to go to the ladies room and then I made sure that I didn 't return to Alan . After some effort I finally found my hubby and said : Of course hubby wasn 't about to let a Saturday night go by so we cruised a few clubs ( all very crowded ) , but after Alan I wasn 't in any big hurry to try and get anything going . I did dance with a few guys and got felt up some , but I grabbed hubby and drug him home early . We went out some over the second week and I did dance and smooch as hubby watched , but nothing more . On our last Friday night we went to the big club again and hubby did the park the car thing as I went inside . It was the usual hands all over my body as I walked through the place looking for a seat . I managed to get to the bar and get a drink and I was standing there looking around the room for a seat when this real cute guy walked up to me and told me there was an empty chair at his table and he offered it to me . I accepted and found myself sitting at a table with four guys who all had to be ten years younger than me , but they were all kind of hunky looking . Hell , what old broad doesn 't like having young studs after her . For the next two hours I danced and kissed and got felt up and had hard cocks pushed into me and I totally forgot that my hubby was even there ( not that I 'd even seen him since walking in ) . Finally one of the guys asked me if I would like to go outside for some fresh air and I let him talk me into going for a walk on the beach . We walked a little way until it was darker and a lot less crowded . We sat down and started making out . Things got a little heated and the guy had my blouse open ( I was braless ) , my skirt up around my waist and his fingers inside me . As we swapped tongues he skillfully finger fucked me to an orgasm and when I settled down I reached for his fly and opened his shorts . I intended to give him a hand job , but suddenly I had the feeling that hubby was near . I took his cock in my hand and stroked it a few times and then I leaned forward and slipped my mouth over the head . I pushed his legs apart and cupped his balls . I ran my tongue around the head of his hard cock while gently playing with his balls . I took him deep in my mouth and then I took my mouth off of him and sat up . I looked into his eyes and then I kissed him . I slipped my tongue in his mouth and let his wrestle with mine while my hand stroked him and then I broke the kiss and my mouth went back to his cock . I licked and sucked on him and he put his hands on my head as I bobbed up and down on him . I pulled my mouth off the cock and circled the head with my tongue and then I ran it down the underside , licked his balls and gently sucked on them for several seconds and then I drug my tongue along the topside . Once more around the head and then I took him back in my mouth and deep throated him . His cock hit the back of my throat and I felt his balls tighten and he arched his hips up at me and shot three or four spurts of cum against the back of my throat and it started to slide down into my stomach . I couldn 't believe I 'd done it . On a public beach with people walking along the waters edge not more than thirty feet away I had given a blow job to a kid twelve years younger than me ( I found out later that he was only eighteen Ñ in my defense he looked twenty - four or five ) . After I 'd wiped my mouth with the back of my hand we put ourselves back together and went back into the club . We no sooner sat down at the table than one of the guys asked me to dance and by the time the dance was over and we got back to the table Brian had clued the other guys in on what we had done . For the next hour I might as well have been fucking the guys on the dance floor . They took me out there two at a time and I would have one grinding into my ass while the other one was grinding into me from the front . If my skirt and panties had been off they would have been in me . I was hot . I was literally hot enough to fuck and when Sam asked me to take a walk on the beach with him I said yes . We walked to about the same spot where Brian and I had been and sat down . The necking was hot and heavy and the second set of fingers that night not my husbands went into me and gave me a screaming orgasm . I fell back on the beach and spread my legs and told Sam to fuck me . He was all set to fall on me when I told he had to put on a condom and he sheepishly told me he didn 't have one . He had to settle for a blow job . We walked back to the club , but I didn 't go in . I knew if I went in that I would be taking a walk on the beach with Randy and then Phil and that as hot as I was if neither of them had a condom I might end up fucking them anyway . I gave Sam a passionate kiss goodnight and headed for the parking lot . I hadn 't gone ten steps when my hubby caught up to me . I had been selected for a " train the trainers " class taught by a young contractor ( Brad ) who seemed to have eyes for me . After the training session his company treated the 7 trainees ( 2 men , five women ) to an outstanding dinner at a wonderful restaurant ( why not , for what our company paid them ) . After dinner Brad asked me if I would like to have a nightcap with him at his hotel . He was a hunk ! I had spent a good part of the training session watching him and wondering what he would be like in bed . He must have been standing just inside the door waiting for me . I knocked once and the door immediately swung open . I walked in and put my purse on the little table . I had stepped across the line and there was no need to be coy about things . Even as he was asking me what I would like to drink I was taking off my dress . I dropped my dress to the floor and said : I stepped to him and offered him my mouth as my fingers busied themselves with belt buckles and zippers . His tongue darted into my mouth as his arms went around me and hands unsnapped my brassiere . My bra fell to the floor at the same time his trousers pooled around his ankles . I broke the kiss and said : I knelt in front of him , his already erect cock bobbing in front of my face , and I removed his penny loafers and socks as I teased the head of his cock with my tongue . I stood up and he lowered his head and his mouth took in my right nipple and I shivered at the thought of what this man was going to do to me . He was going to make me a fallen woman and make my husband a cuckold and the weird part was that both my hubby and I were okay with the idea . I let him work the nipple and my hands went down and took hold of his cock and I started stroking it . He led me to the bed and I lay down and spread myself for him . He moved to lower his head to my honey pot and I stopped him . " No foreplay lover , no slow and easy . I want the first one hard and fast . Take me from faithful housewife to whore in seconds . We can play later . " " Hard and fast ? " he said , " You got it " and he started ramming his cock into me . I could feel his balls slapping against my ass when he shoved his cock in deep . The angle was perfect for his cock to rub against my clit as he stroked in and pulled back . I shoved myself up to meet his strokes and I felt him go even deeper into me . I felt the pleasure building in my center and I locked my legs around him and cried : He rammed into me and I was moaning in pleasure and then my orgasm hit and I clawed at his back and cried out , " Oh Fuck ! " and then he groaned and I felt his juices flood my hole . I was just getting ready to get up and suck his cock to get him hard again when he surprised me . He didn 't go soft ! He started to , but suddenly he was going the other way and his cock stayed hard enough to penetrate . He fucked me slowly , pulling out a little and then shoving back in . He started giving me long , hard strokes until I started to moan and then he started fucking me hard and fast again and it triggered another orgasm . For several more minutes he pounded into me as I had one orgasm after another . He reached under me and took my ass in both hands and pulled me to him as he rammed hard into and then he stopped and held himself against me as he pumped me full of his cum . The kid was terrific in bed . I had forgotten what it was like to be with a young stud ( he was only 22 ) with recuperative powers . During one of our rest breaks we talked and he told me that at 14 his best friends sexy mother took him under her wing and taught him how to please a woman . Believe me , her lessons weren 't wasted . He was a brainiac who graduated from Cal Tech before his 19th birthday and his company had snapped him up and was now teaching him the marketing , training and sales end of the business . Anyway , we did it five long and very satisfying times . The kid was a fantastic fuck , so how lucky was I that when I finally did do the deed the guy I did it with really knew what to do with his tongue and cock ? I know I walked around with a Cheshire Cat grin on my face all the next day . I reluctantly left his room around 5 AM as he was dressing to fly back to California . I gave him my number and told him to call me whenever he came back to town . I had just enough time to race home , give hubby the fuck of a lifetime , shower , dress and hit the road back to work . God , I was tired . I was getting too old for this . I called hubby three times that day to check that what I did was still okay with him now that he 'd had time to think about it in the daylight and for a few hours . He was still ecstatic and looking forward to when we got the kids in bed that night . I hope his feelings don 't change over time because I can 't undo it . I looked back and thought that it all started on our honeymoon when he wanted me to fuck that bartender and then him showing every one he knew the photos of me in my bikini . Add to that the way he likes me to dress and how he likes me dancing with other men , his constant encouraging my infidelity and his slut wife stories left on my pillow . He finally got what he wanted so I hope he really is happy . We went to a very large neighborhood party on a Sunday . New neighbors moved in during the summer and they hosted . The theme was football , but I think it was really to show off the host 's new gigantic TV . He 's one of those guys , the biggest pick - up truck , the biggest back yard grill and now the biggest TV ( my guess is that he also has the smallest cock ) . Anyway , it was all adults and it started around noon . Apparently there were football games on from noon until after midnight . The host had the basement decorated like a 13 year old ( I don 't like him Ñ is it showing ? ) with posters and photos everywhere and game jerseys of his favorite teams . He had a keg of beer in the basement and another one out on his deck . There must have been sixty people there off and on through the day and evening . Some of the wives were down in the basement with the men rooting the teams on , and others were upstairs talking in the kitchen or watching chic flicks in the living room . The house was packed and there were people everywhere . Around 9PM the host caught me coming out of the upstairs bathroom ( or maybe he had followed me and was waiting ? ) . He was moderately drunk and he blocked my way down the hall . He very brazenly put his hands on my breasts and started to maul them . He was telling me that the men in the neighborhood had voted me the neighborhood MILF that they would all like to fuck . I don 't mess around where I live so I removed his hands and told him never to touch me again or I would kick him solidly in the balls and then I went back downstairs to where hubby was watching football . I was tempted to grab hubby and leave , but thought " Fuck him ! ( the host ) and decided that he wasn 't going to intimidate me into running away from him . Hubby and I stayed another hour or so and then we went home . On a Friday we had our un - exciting holiday party thrown by the company . Nice food , not so good speeches by the big - wigs , no alcohol and no music . As soon as everyone had done the required ass kissing of the bosses we were off to the bars . We did three different bars , losing some people at one , picking up a few at another and finally the group was down to about ten and we went to someone 's apartment . I don 't even think the guy worked at our company . He must have been a friend of someone who does and had hooked up with us at one of the bars . It was a large loft apartment and he had roommates and they had mistletoe hanging everywhere so I pretty much made the rounds with the kissing even as more people were showing up . The booze was flowing , the music was nice and the lights were low . It was a fun party . Later I found myself sitting on a guy 's lap . I didn 't know him from the office , I didn 't even know his name , but I was sitting on his lap and we were kissing like fourteen year olds . He had his hand inside my blouse and I was rubbing the lump in his trousers when he got a couple of fingers into me . I let him finger me for a minute or so , but it was uncomfortable since I still had my panties on . I stood up and took them off and dropped them on the floor and then sat back down on his lap and spread my legs to give him better access . All I was looking for was an orgasm from his fingers and I was going to repay him with a hand job . Our tongues were dueling and he had his fingers back in my pussy and I had just worked his dick out of his pants when suddenly he asked me to stand up so he could open his pants to get his zipper out of the way . I stood up and he pushed his pants down toward his knees and I went to sit back down and he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me down . I don 't think he was trying to do it and I know for sure I wasn 't trying , but when I hit his lap his cock went right into my wet pussy . I started to rise up , but he had his hands on my waist and he pulled me back down . I tried again and he pulled me back down again . Up , down , up , down , it was just like fucking . The third time when he pulled me down his cock rubbed my G - spot and I stopped trying to get away and I started riding him . I couldn 't believe that I was doing it . On a couch in a room full of people I was riding the cock of a guy whose name I didn 't even know . Every time I pushed down on him his cock would touch my G - spot and my body quivered with orgasms . I felt his stiff cock get even harder as he pushed up at me as I pushed down on him . I knew he would be cumming inside me soon . He wrapped his arms around me and rolled me over onto my back and started fucking me hard . Someone started sucking on my left breast and I moaned and shoved my pussy up at the guy . I heard a woman say , " You go girl " and another one say , " I wish I had the guts to do something like that . " A mouth latched onto my right breast and I moaned again . Suddenly the guy groaned and he pushed deep inside me and I felt the pulsations of his cock as he dumped his sperm inside me . He pumped several more times before I felt him lift himself off me . I went to push the mouths away from my breasts so I could sit up , but before I could do it another guy crawled on top of me and another cock slid into my pussy . I looked up to see Steve , a guy I worked with looking down at me . He smiled and said , " You can 't possibly know how bad I 've wanted to do this for the last couple of years . " Why fight it ? Everyone in the room had watched me do the first guy and by now I was labeled a slut anyway . He pushed gently and entered my wet hole and then he started fucking me slowly with long , deep strokes . I lifted my ass slightly and felt him move even deeper into me . The mouths on my tits were making me moan and Steve began to pump faster and I loudly moaned as an orgasm washed over me . Steve grabbed my legs and lifted them up on his shoulders and he began to pound into me deep and hard . He slammed into me for what seemed like hours and I felt another orgasm building deep inside me and then I screamed , " OH MY GOD ! " as I came harder than I could ever remember . I heard Steve gasp , " Here it comes baby " and I cried , " Give it to me , let it go , give it to me " and Steve pushed as deep in me as he could go and I felt him cum . As Steve was climbing off of me I heard some guy say , " Think she 'll do all of us ? " and another cock entered me . I didn 't know this guy either , but he was balls deep in me before I even knew Steve was all the way out of the way and my legs went up and wrapped around him . I felt the strong cock pumping into my pussy and I moaned and I cried and I begged him to fuck me . My tits were being worked , my pussy was full and I looked around and saw several people standing around and watching me . I saw men taking off their pants and I knew they were going to fuck me too . Something nudged my cheek and I turned my head to look and there was a hard cock only an inch or so from my mouth . I didn 't even look to see who it belonged to ; I just opened my mouth and let it in . I was lost in lust . My entire universe consisted of the cock in my mouth and the cock in my pussy . I had never felt so alive , so aroused . The cock in my mouth throbbed and then released and I gulped and swallowed and at the same time I felt the cock in my pussy send a load deep into me . Two more cocks took their place and then two more and two more after that . Some of them I knew from work and some I 'd never seen before . Everyone dressed and left , leaving me on the couch a sweaty , cum covered mess . I managed to get up and find the bathroom and I cleaned myself up . On my way back to the living room I passed by an open bedroom door and I looked in and saw the guy who had started it all . He was lying naked on his bed sleeping . He was lying on his back and I had an evil thought . I went into the bedroom , took off my undies and straddled his head . I concentrated on squeezing my muscles and was rewarded with a blob of cum falling from my pussy onto his face . I just wish he would have had his mouth open . I giggled , got off the bed and went home . |
" Of course I do Wes , it 's underneath the counter , " he answered sternly . " I have it rigged on a string so anywhere from behind here I can let it loose and it will drop straight to the ground . I would never forget something like that - ever . " " I know old man ; I had to double check . Something doesn 't feel right in the valley . Something big is in the works and I think I 'm a little late for the party . I can feel it growing by the minute . " I paid for the treats and said my goodbyes to Charles and his bear , Charge . Gizmo gave a quick swat to the half - asleep dog and scurried on after me out the door . We took our time , enjoying the suspiciously nice weather ; it was still grey but nice . We arrived home and I flipped some of the new treats to Gizmo . I went to my closet and changed shirts . Instead of the plain one from last night , I put on something a little more me . A deep red t - shirt with black lettering , ' Bruce Campbell is God ' , on the front and on the back , ' Gimme ' some suga baby ' was written . It was a personal design of mine . If this saving the valley thing didn 't pan out , it 's nice to know I had a career in clothing design to fall back on . As I shoved a handful of skittles in my mouth , I left through the back door towards the cemetery to retrieve my bike from its grave . I was headed to Heretic General Hospital . I was going to do what I could to get in the room of Mr . Williams , that 's assuming of course he was still there . I lived in an abandoned church with its own cemetery in back , yet hospitals weird me out , not the skeletons I have as lawn ornaments . The not quite deceased have more of an effect on me than the already dead . It was weird . When I first stepped in , the smell of decay , blood , and pain attacked me . Anguish ran rampant through these halls and it stopped me in my tracks . Heretic General was a monstrous building . It was odd for me to describe a building that saved lives as monstrous , but that 's what it was . The building had finished with a remodel recently . New equipment , waiting areas , desks , work stations , bathrooms , and everything else that could be nailed down or screwed in . It made this place look deceptively clean , even the workers seemed a little too joyous about their jobs . They must make a mean cup of coffee . I hate it there ; no matter what the coffee tasted like . Security was tight in most hospitals these days . Getting to Matt 's room could be a challenge . I might have to rely on my charm or wit and that 's never a good thing . It never ends up well . I found the receptions desk and waited for her to acknowledge me . The middle - aged woman had curly hair , light skin and her nameplate on the top of the desk read Mary . She was on the phone with someone explaining she couldn 't give out information like that unless they came down and had the right identification . I was here , now all I need was the right I . D . . She finally got off of the phone with her head hung low . She let out a quick sigh to gather herself before finally looking up to me . She even managed to have that fake - work smile . " Yes , " she answered looking slightly confused . " The elevators are straight passed me . I just need you to sign this visitor 's form . Print here and sign her , " she asked pointing to the correct line each time . I did as she asked . I printed my name there and I signed my name here . Rick Deckard . I liked it when things came together like that , it makes me smile . With an optimistic pep in my step , I made it to the elevators hitting the 3rd floor button upon entry . There was a lady in the elevator with me holding a coffee and the day 's newspaper . She was good looking , even in simple jeans , a light blue sweatshirt , and her soft face free of makeup . Her dark brown hair looked a little unkempt and the bags she carried under her doe green eyes wouldn 't have been considered carry - on . She 's had to have been at the hospital for a while looking like that . I gave a polite smile , but not too big of one . I didn 't want to make the wrong impression . I was a gentleman , not a soon - to - be stalker . The elevator came to a firm stop at the 3rd floor . We both stepped off and she went left but I stayed standing outside of the elevator . I was looking for the directions ; which way was the correct way ? Ah there it was , to the left as well . I 'm half - way to being a stalker . Chalk it up as a productive day for me . I 'm not going to say I didn 't enjoy walking behind this lady ; it was worth being thought of as a pervert . She peeled off to the restrooms and I continued to room 307 . She probably didn 't even need to pee . She was probably trying to get away from me . I have that effect on women . The single patient room looked standard for the most part . A couple chairs off to the side and a little table next to them . There wasn 't an armed guard so good news for me . I wasn 't sure if there would 've been , but I guess since they figured he would never recover they didn 't see the point in protecting him … way to stay vigilante H . V . P . D . Tubes and lines were everywhere . They went in and out and every which way . Matt looked like a sci - fi 's mad scientists experiment . The machines hummed , banged , and beeped . Life support is such an un - natural visual . It physically hurt me to see it . Death is a reality everyone must face at one point or another - even me . When the mind is gone but the body remains behind , an unseen battle takes place . He 's trapped between the world he knew and the fate that awaited him . No one knows for sure what happens when you die . There are many gods . There are many immortal beings . They live because people still believe in them . They can 't grant you any wishes , or answer your prayers . They only exist . They 're like tinker bell ; if you don 't believe they will eventually die . Instead of clapping hands though , these beings feed off of the sacrifices that each person made in the name of that god 's righteousness . I ran my hand six inches or so above his body . I was looking for any magical trace left from the attack , but there was nothing magical about what had happened to him . He was shot , plain and simple . Matt was younger than I had expected , even with the Grizzly Addams facial hair . He had an exhausted expression frozen on his face . Was it because he was ready to leave ? He smelled nice , too nice actually . Generally I don 't go around smelling other men , but this was hard to miss . Plus , this was special circumstances . He smelled like a lilacs first bloom ; bringing the fresh aroma of spring . Not your typical manly cologne . Perhaps he left the club with a lady , or maybe it was nothing . But it smelled like something . I 'm not sure what good that little tidbit of knowledge would do for me now . But , it did bring such a sweet smell to a place like this . With nothing else for me to do I left the hospital room . I passed the pretty gal from the elevator earlier . I gave her a small nod and a smile as she went by , unsure how she would take it . I tried my best to keep all creepiness out of it . I glided home on my bike , hitting all green lights . What can I say , I have a gift . A dark green sedan was having the same fortune as me . It 's not every day I had the feeling of being followed . And it 's not every day that a follower 's actually following me . No one came down my street without an agenda . I put my bike back in the dirt . I decided to continue on foot to the other side of the building and make my way to the front . The car I had seen following me parked on the other side of the street , a half block down . Someone got out of the car and pulled a hood over their head . He or she was sneaking their way closer to my cave of solace . The follower went down the other side of the house , the same side I entered with my bike . I continued making a circle to get the beat on the intruder , in the middle of the day mind you , the nerve of some people . The follower rounded the back of the church and I rounded the front corner . I reached the back in time to see a woman , and she was reaching for the doorknob . As I finished my sentence , out of fear , instinct or perhaps both , the lady whirled on her heels , cocked her right hand , and punched me straight in the nose . My eyes immediately started to water . I could feel blood beginning to drip down my nostril as I covered my nose with my hands . I should 've been ashamed of myself , getting punched in the face on my own stoop . Why are there so many awesome things I can do , but stopping a punch wasn 't one of them , but a bullet , a knife , or a trident ? Sure , no problem , but a punch to the face , oh no I 'm sorry Wes you 're going to bleed ( not to mention look like you 're crying ) . " Is this because it looked like I was following you at the hospital ? " I asked . " I was being friendly , nothing more to it than that . " I said trying to defend myself . " Yes , he 's my younger brother , was my younger brother I guess . They said he 's only alive because of the machines . I want those sons of bitches that did this to him to pay before they take him off of those machines , " she said balling her fists , unable to hold the anger below the surface . Her defensive walls were down and her emotions were out , the tears rolling down her cheeks were a big giveaway . I never knew what to say in these types of situations . Not what I would call one of my strong areas . " Would you like to come in ? I can put on a pot of coffee and we could talk about your brother . Please ? " I asked as I opened the door , motioning for her to come in . She only hesitated for a moment . What normally would be a risk entering a stranger 's home , was a necessary thing if she wanted to find the answers she had been searching for . She knew the consequences . She had made up her mind that finding her brothers killer would be more important than her own safety . I wasn 't someone who had intention of doing her harm , but it was still a risk for her . She was a good person caught in the crossfire . A family member had been taken from her , more or less anyway . I 've been going through this town doing what I could but never received a chance to something great . Maybe this was my chance . I gave her a tour through the back of the church , the old kitchen , and the main floor . She looked transfixed with the beauty of this old place : the detailed wood , the aged pews , the altar , and of course the stained glass window . It 's one thing if you had seen it from the outside but it 's completely different when seeing it from the inside . Being in the presence of the church alone adds to the magnitude of what you are witnessing . Gizmo met us at the top of the stairs . He sniffed and nuzzled the lady at once . He had a new friend . She bent down , gave him some pets and attention ; his stump wagged wildly . I didn 't know if my room was clean enough for company and I didn 't know if my modified kitchen was either . I peered into my room and … yep it was as bad as I had thought it would be . The kitchen won by default , plus the coffee was in there . I brewed a fresh pot and grabbed a fold - up chair and placed it by the small table I had off to the side . The room wasn 't small but I didn 't see the point in decorating it . There was the microwave , the fridge , the toaster oven , and a sink . I put in countertops I had found in one of the vacant apartment buildings . I didn 't want to see them go to waste . Same with a couple blocks of cabinets . It wasn 't pretty but it worked for me . " Do you take cream in your coffee … ? " I asked , stopping in mid - sentence . I still didn 't know her name . How rude of me to not introduce myself . Did I introduce Gizmo at least ? " It 's very nice to meet you Dru , " I said . " My nose , however , may disagree but that 's why it 's the nose and not the mouth . My little pooch there is Gizmo . You 've already won him over . He 's yours for life now . " " Well , that 's a good question , " I started . " I will try and explain it to you the best I can . Where do I start ? I don 't work for the police ; I 'm not a private investigator ; I 'm not even a bounty hunter . " I took another sip of my heavily creamed coffee . What I am is more complicated but not so complicated that I can 't explain it . I used to live here a long time ago . I ended up living in a rather furious way and never thought I would be back here . " " No , not really . For ten years I wandered , and for ten years this place was the furthest thing from my mind . In the end there was nothing I could 've done anyway . If this place wanted me , it was going to have me . So here I am . " " That explains why you 're here , but not what you do , " she said a tad annoyed . And the only reason I knew she was annoyed was the slight head tilt she did when she said it . That always meant bad , " Uh , no . Usually I walk the streets and help where I can find those who need it . Slowly but surely I 'm carving a wake of criminals and their crime in my path . When I found out about the shooting I figured I could do my thing and try and help . That should explain why I was at his room and what I do . " " A lot of things I suppose . My excellent hand - eye coordination , my violet eyes , but most importantly this … " I pulled the sleeve of my jacket on my left arm up , revealing my uniqueness . " Your tattoo 's … that 's what makes you so special ? " She lifted her sweatshirts right sleeve and showed me a four - leaf clover on her wrist . " See , I 'm special too . " " I can 't fathom the situation you 're going through right now , " I said trying the reasonable route . " I 've never lost anyone I 'd ever cared about before . All I can tell you is that I 'm on your side . I want to hold the people who did this to your brother accountable . You must believe me . " She took a moment to respond . I couldn 't have her freeze up on me now . If we could share any info , hopefully something would make sense . " I know who might have been behind the shooting of your brother . You have to understand though that the man is almost untouchable , or at least to this point in time he has been above the law . " She gave me those wide eyes again and flattened all of my male defenses . She might not have been doing it on purpose , but through the years I 've learned that most women do in fact know what they were doing . Regardless , I was hooked . I now had someone to let down - a motivational tool if I 'd ever needed one . We finished our coffee . I still wanted to ask her more questions about her brother but I didn 't want to overload her . She was vulnerable and scared . I didn 't want to put any more stress on her than was necessary . " I didn 't find anything useful in your brother 's hospital room . Did he go to the Neon district often ? The newspaper said he was a jack - of - all - trades so to speak , that he was involved in illegal activities . Was that true ? " She rubbed her arms together hesitating . Did I push my luck ? Did I step over the line ? " Yes , he was involved with some illegal work . He was only doing what was available for him . He tried to get a regular job , I swear . Our mom had a stroke a year ago and the hospital bills started to pile up . I work for the Valley , pushing paperwork . It pays ok but not enough to cover the hospital payments . I don 't know what happened but one thing lead to another and Matt started doing anything he could to make money . " Dru 's eyes swelled with water from the mention of her mother 's health issues . She was trying to keep it together , keep it all inside , but some things will make their way through no matter what . That concept I did understand . " Matt began running drugs all over town . There wasn 't too much risk he thought . All he did was pick it up and drop it off and he would get paid , " she said as she again wiped tears from her face . " But he fell in love with the lifestyle , the money , the glamour , the lifestyle that came with the business . He paid the hospital bills every month , but it was never enough . By then he could only see the money piling up , the dollar signs hanging in the air . They were in his reach . He needed to have them . He kept doing what he was doing because he needed to , but in the end it was because he wanted to . " " I understand , Dru . He was helping the family out at any cost . It 's a hard lifestyle to get out of once you are in . The easy money 's not so easy in the end . " I poured more coffee into each of our cups . It 's funny how something so simple like a cup of java could soothe you - an adult version of a pacifier . " Do you know who he was around the most ? Anybody he was close to in the business ? If we had someone we could talk to , hopefully they could point us in the right direction . " She took a sip of her coffee and closed her eyes . " No , " she answered . " I wasn 't a very good sister was I ? How do I not know who he was with ? I should have done something a long time ago . This is my fault . " Tears continued to roll down her face as she tried to bury her head into her arms . I knew this wasn 't her fault , and deep down she knew it to . Guilt would block the common sense right out of you sometimes . Her brother was a noble man to her . He ended up sacrificing his life for the family . It didn 't matter that he stayed because he liked it . That was his choice . He was family . A woman I 'd just met sobbing on my little table would be the definition of awkward for me . I 'm not trained for that , nor would I ever be . Luckily for me Gizmo stepped up and took one for the team . He stood on his back legs and pawed at her until she picked him up . His slobbery tongue was the cure for her breakdown . He licked the side of Dru 's face and she couldn 't hold back the smile . I even smiled at the magic that he possessed . I hoped someday I could be half as powerful as Gizmo . " Do you like video games ? " I asked wanting the answer was yes . It would be a good distraction for her . " I just bought a Nintendo 64 , if you like Bond or Mario Kart . " " Ummm … I don 't think I have played that before . Is it easy ? I wouldn 't mind something right now to take my mind off of my brother , " she replied . I handed her some tissues and gave her the directions to the bathroom . She wasn 't wearing tear proof make - up . She looked like an extra for an Alice Cooper music video , all that was missing was a snake wrapped around her neck . I went to the bedroom and set up Mario Kart for her . I only have the one controller . I didn 't think I would ever need a second one . It 's always been just the pup and I . It 's not like Gizmo would be able to play games with me , it would be awesome if he could , but paws and controllers don 't mix . She came into the room . I stood staring not knowing what to do . I felt wrong for feeling attracted to her , but it had been quite a while since a lady had brought out my google eyes . It was pathetic , I know , but it was nice to feel like that . " Alright , here is the controller . I think we 'll start off with Mario Kart . It 's a racing game built on chaos . You can throw bananas , red shells , green shells , and you can even zap the other racers so they are tiny . Then you get to run them over . If Nascar was like this I would watch it . " She gave me a forced smile looking only slightly confused . She 'll enjoy it , everyone does . The race started and Yoshi ( the character she had picked ) darted forward , zigzagging from one side of the screen to the other . At least she was going in the right direction . The race went on and the more time that past she loosened up . She started to enjoy it and that was the whole point of the game … to have fun . We played for an hour and every race she improved . If things kept going this well I would have to find myself another controller . For now , at least , it was good to see her smiling . Look at me go , two good deeds in one day . " Shoot the red shell , shoot it . " I yelled at Dru . Boom , she nailed that spiky Bowser , 1st place would be hers . In under an hour she was already taking 1st place . She was my kind of lady . " Nicely done , " I said . " It 's getting dark out ; you want to join me on my adventure tonight ? " She had as much right as I did to try and find out who murdered her brother . " I was thinking about going to the club where Matt was last seen . I think we could find some answers there . This should be relatively low - risk , just poke our nose around and see if anyone recognizes him . What do you say ? " " Of course , anything I can do to help . I can 't sit by his bedside waiting anymore . I 'm his big sister , his protector . Let 's get going , " she said throwing the controller to the floor . That was a big gaming faux pa but I let it slide , only once though , only once . I turned the TV and the N64 off and raced out the bedroom to catch up to Dru . She was already on the ground floor making a b - line for the back door . She was a fiery one and even through the tears she still remained positive , remained even - headed . The people responsible needed to be held responsible . I wouldn 't have it any other way . I shoved my skull key into the ignition , fired up the bike , and sped off down the street . Very few street lamps still illuminated this road . It gave the street an unnaturally dark feeling . It felt like I was in the woods or on a mountain side road that had no electricity . I felt all alone with nothing to guide me . It was spooky . The only light I could make out was coming from off in the distance , from the Neon District . They were spotlights shining from the heart of it all , the long arm of seduction . I parked my bike on the street a few stores up from the restaurant . I pulled the key out of the ignition and murmured aloud , " Stay . " The bike had a different theft deterrent than the church 's door . It was simple really . When the key was out there was no way to start it . You couldn 't hot wire it , you couldn 't break the steering lock , and you couldn 't push it . I gave the bike a little more help when I worked up an enchantment to coincide with the anti - theft devices . It worked like the others . When the key wasn 't in place the bike couldn 't be picked up or moved in any way . It was the opposite of anti - gravity . You could have a crane intended for building bridges and sky - scrapers and you still wouldn 't be able to lift this bike . I left knowing when I returned my transportation would be waiting for me , in the same place , and exactly how I left it . The neon lights highlighted the stragglers as they staggered out of the various places , trying to find their way home . It looked like they had made an unwise decision to have that one more round and they were paying for it . Cabbies lurked near by , coming and going with precision , darting between other cars and , on a far too often occasion , people . They staked out the hottest clubs and patiently waited for the last call ; their meters were always running . I found the entrance to Forever Dark … or Void of Light … or whatever the name was for the restaurant - bar - club - brothel - drug den I had finally arrived at . I tried the door and it was locked , the open sign had already been turned off . I started to politely knock when I remembered why I had come here to begin with … noise , and lots of it . With my left hand balled into a fist , in my mind I imagined spikes six inches long coming from the end of it . I then pushed my will , my power down my arm and into the steel door . It was as easy as punching through a wet paper towel . The hardened door ripped from its hinges taking the coat rack with it . It slid across the tiled floor , settling 30 feet away . Now , that was more my style . " I 'm sorry , " as I spoke , I looked at the kids work attire and found his name tag , " Chris , but the door was sticking when I tried to open it . I thought it was a heavy door , so I gave it a little nudge . " I threw my hands in disbelief , it was my , I was just as surprised as him , look . He looked bewildered , bright eyed and all . His mind was frantically racing , trying to come up with a logical explanation for the door being 30 feet from where it normally hung . The kid was the definition of gawky to me with his skinny body framed with his red hair , his slouched posture and his un - tucked shirt . Ha . Poor kid was obviously tired and rightfully so ; it was almost 5am . Either he was at the end of his shift or at the beginning of it ; either way he seemed a little off his game . I 'd better take it easy on him , he didn 't do anything wrong . He shouldn 't have been the one to deal with me . " You 're wearing a name tag , Chris . " He looked down to confirm what I had told him . " I 'm looking for the owner . I was hoping to catch him on his way out . Is he available ? " He dug around in his pockets , but to no avail . He spotted something near him behind the counter , grabbed it and handed it to me . It was a red sharpie … perfect . I left the restaurant , pretending to open the door as I stepped through the empty threshold . The sun had started to show itself in the east . It was still more - dark than light but then again this town had always been that way . Chapter 11 The ride home was cool and refreshing . It felt good to do some damage . It had been a while since the last time I was able to destruct property like that . I parked my beautiful bike in its plot , said good - bye , and it disappeared back into the earth . I lumbered up the three flights of stairs and hugged my terrier good - night . I passed out . No dreams , only the passing of time . I woke up refreshed and strangely happy . I went to the kitchen and poured out a delicious cup of coffee - extra creamer . I always make my coffee in the evening and have it on a timer for noon the next day . Even if it wasn 't that late of a night , coffee would always be good at noon . Gizmo received fresh water and a cup of food . We would have to go out back in a little bit but for now he looked content in our " morning " routine . I turned the TV on and flipped to the local news channel … nothing . I guess it 's a good thing that I didn 't make the news , but it would 've been cool if one time I could be a side story or something . I should think of a pseudonym , you know a code name I could go by . Rick Deckard could work , yeah I like that one . I may need a good alias someday and that one would do fine . I feel like I wasted a day . I 've gone nowhere . Besides some light vandalism , I was still at the beginning with nothing to show for it . Now , my helpy - helper , Harry , has lost his cool and Eddie is - well Eddie is a dick . Speaking of Eddie I should go play my N64 ; Bond , James Bond - 007 . Top ten games of all time , all platforms included . No , no , I can 't be distracted ; perseverance , dedication that 's me . I cracked the door slowly , two police - people stood there impatiently . An annoyed look on their faces as I opened the doors fully , greeting them in my PJ 's which were the same clothes I wore earlier that morning , minus the coat and shoes . I hadn 't even had a chance to brush my fangs yet . " Can 't say I know what you 're talking about . I was here asleep . What happened ? I hope there wasn 't another shooting . I saw that the other night on the news . It 's terrible , things like that happening in our great valley . " " We have reason to think you were there … " he checked his notebook again , " around 5am . We have a witness saying a man in a black coat , that fits your description , was there . And his name is Wes . " Well … shit . Am I the only Wes in this town or what ? I closed and locked the front doors with my eight foot oak lock . It felt like I was securing a castle and that was fine by me . The police had to be randomly going to people named Wes in a ten block radius or something . They were grasping at straws , right ? Admittedly , it was a little nerve racking to think that they might come back , but my little shenanigans should fall between the cracks . No one was hurt and a door was broken ; no big deal , right ? Yet , I still didn 't make the news . I felt like punching myself in the face for using my real name when I ordered power and water and all that stuff for the homestead . I should have used an alias . Rick Deckard , how may I help you ? The restaurant probably had to file a police report to get the insurance to cover the damages . I wish that little red - haired kid kept his mouth shut . I thought I was pretty nice to him overall . I gave him a story to tell all his ginger friends . If anything , I helped his life ; a good story can do wonders for your reputation . Embellish a little here or there and say I tried to punch him , but he blocked it and threw me to the ground and I went off crying . I wouldn 't have minded if he helped himself . Gizmo took the early lead up the stairs , but I was right on his stubby tail . We rounded the second floor platform neck and neck . I abruptly stopped half way up the third flight of stairs , turning to head back down . Gizmo stopped and headed back towards me - where I went he would follow . I quickly darted back up the stairs and passed him with a juvenile cry of joy . One word described how I felt … winning . We made it back to our room ; Gizmo sulking only a little bit . I collapsed in my recliner in the corner as if someone pulled all my bones out of my body at once . I had to get back to the beginning , the basics of the investigation . I started with the newspaper from the morning after the shootings . The paper , Heretic Herald , gave the shootings a front page spread . Usually you would find it on the back side of the page . It must 've been a slow news day . Two individuals , both men , were gunned down outside of a local nightclub . Around 2am the partiers exited the building and were waiting for a taxi . A black SUV with tinted windows pulled up . Two masked people leaned out and opened fire . The club , Night Shade , known for keeping the inside barely visible , declined to answer any of our questions . The club has resumed its normal operating hours after the police finished their investigation of the crime scene . One of the men , David " Deals " Hester , a local drug runner and dealer died on the scene . The other victim , N other information could be given at this time . The authorities are awaiting the contact of any family members before they are able do anything else . David is survived by his grandmother Pearl whom he still lived with . Anyone with any information please call the H . V . P . D . @ 1 - 555 - 276 - 6533 . I put the paper down . I felt a slight frown surfacing . I suppose it wouldn 't hurt anything to go by the club . Going to the scene of the crime is generally a useful tool for a private investigator . But , I 'm not really a private investigator . There was a problem with that idea though . Jace 's place was only a block away from the club and though I 'm not scared of him in general , I shouldn 't draw any more attention to my unforgettable face . I felt like I was in the same place as before . I was in that proverbial tar pit watching the world change as I became a skeleton of my former self . Yikes , that was a little dreary even by my standards . It must be lunch time . My lunch : a PB & J sandwich on buttermilk bread , an apple , pretzel sticks , and a glass of water to wash it all down . It was better than it sounded . I ended up adding some peanut butter to the apples as well . Gizmo received a couple treats , but the bag was nearly empty . A trip to the pet store was due ; he needed to relieve himself anyway . The sun still tried to make itself visible through the clouds as we stepped out back , but like before the light couldn 't find its way through . It was a typical afternoon here . The walk to the pet shop took 4 minutes on average . It 's quick and short enough that I didn 't complain . The pup produces a lot of strength within his little frame , pulling me the whole way . I 'm not gonna complain about it , he saves me from using too much energy . I wouldn 't want to break a sweat . Before us , stood a two story brick building with a small sign , handwritten with the name of the store , Pets are People Too . In between two windows , a single glass door held another sign declaring it open . Gizmo pulled us in . There wasn 't another soul present except for the owner , Charles , a man in his late 70 's . He had thin white hair covering 60 % of the area that it should 've covered . His light brown sweater vest screamed old man and he wore it proudly . He was doing today 's crossword . He was always doing the daily crossword . His glasses rested on the tip of his nose , but not to worry , his slender , silver chain attached to each ear piece would prevent any damage being done if they were to fall . His trusty companion Charge : an enormous , massive , beast of a dog , rested by his side . The bull mastiff , one of the largest breed of dogs , looked nearly as old as Charles . Don 't let his lethargic appearance fool you , Gizmo would attest to that . He learned a very valuable lesson one day : never wake a sleeping bear or in his case a bull mastiff . The quaint shop looked out of place in the Valley . It belonged in the country side , off of a dirt road , nestled under a sycamore tree . Charles exuded that country , grandfather appeal . The pet store never sold any pets , it only provided you with the tools and supplies to take care of the ones you already had . Charles did have a fish tank in the middle of the shop with a school of fish in it : a white angel fish , many goldfish , guppies , and a clown fish like ' Nemo ' . These fish were not for sale , this was Charles personal tank . An aisle on each side of the tank held the various dog and cat supplies . One of the walls was dedicated for fish and the other for rabbits and various vermin . The back aisle had been dedicated to our products . It was our very own special wall . " Hello Gizmo . Hello Wes . I am doing as well as the last time I suppose . I 'm still able to get up every morning , open the doors , and go about my business . " " The little tyke here ran out of treats . Are they still on the back wall ? " I asked knowing the answer . " His puppy chow should still have over a week left , so only the treats for today . " Gizmo wasn 't portly . He could run circles around any person or any dog for that matter . I have to cheat just to beat him up or down the stairs . And I 'm sort of fit . I went over to Charge and gave him some firm pets and how - do - you - do 's before finding my way to the back wall and to the pup 's veggie - friendly treats . Gizmo went to Charge tentatively , giving him a quick lick and a wag of his tail before joining me to pick out his snacks . Last time he had the fake - fish snacks , this time I picked the fake - chicken flavored snacks but the dog in command brought over the bacon flavored snacks . I couldn 't say no , they were shaped like real bacon . " Good one old man . You got me . If you didn 't want my help you could 've just said so . I can always help an old lady get through an intersection later or something . I don 't need your help fulfilling my self - appointed daily quota for good deeds . " " What ? " He asked abruptly . " No , that is the question . I 'm not trying to trick you , " he said seriously . He looked down his wrinkled nose , " Who is Princess Leia ? " He asked pronouncing her name incorrectly . My jaw dropped . Whatever look I had on my face wouldn 't have been enough to display my shock . Even in his late 70 's he should have known the answer to that question . The original Star Wars movies are the most widely known trilogy of all - time . It hurt me to know there were still people out there that hadn 't experienced the " force " . " If you really are being serious Charles , the answer is ' Alderaan ' . The home planet of Princess Leia is Alderaan . I would love to go into great detail about the movie but I 'm afraid the information would fall on deaf ears . " " I know what you said . I heard you loud and clear . " He said with a smile . " Please don 't go on about anything though ; I 'm too old to learn new things . " Shortly after I found myself with a dog , I found the store . I started going there almost every day getting something for the puppy . Gizmo was as demanding then as he is now . On one of our daily trips we came in to find Charles behind the counter , but he wasn 't doing the crossword ; he was on the ground , bleeding . It turned out he had been pistol - whipped . The butt of the gun split the middle of his forehead , causing blood to spurt out of the two inch gash . He had been going in and out of unconscious . I remember seeing the faint white coloration of his skull in between the rag changes . I waited for the paramedics to show up , doing the best I could until they arrived . His dog , Charge , had been locked up in the back room . By the time I let him out the door had all been knocked off of its hinges . Charge had two nails ripped out of his left paw and one out of his right . He never stopped trying to get to Charles , to his family . From that day on nothing would keep Charge away from Charles . I doubt Death himself could . The police told him they weren 't very hopeful if no one else were to come forward . The police never particularly cared about this part of the valley ; except if someone broke down a door and then left without further incident . If that sort of thing happened they would get that case solved A . S . A . P . It happened very quickly . They came in waiving the gun , ordering Charles to put Charge in the back room . He did . When he made it back , the one with the English accent smashed the butt of the gun straight down on his head . He fell back behind the counter in a heap on the floor . The other assailant went to the register and hit his hand on the top of it when it stuck halfway open . He snatched the $ 100 or so that had been in the register . The robber looked down at Charles bleeding and as if he was trying to add lemon juice to his wounds , he ripped the wedding band off of Charles finger . Charles remembered that the bastard cut himself ; an important fact that he hadn 't remembered until that moment . The thief had cut himself hitting the register . Blood … blood was good . I could do something with that . Magic , energy , aura , or whatever you want to call it , lives inside of everyone . Small , trace amounts in most people but in cases like mine , it thrives and empowers me to be able to do extraordinary things . One of those things is being able to locate anyone , anywhere if provided with a sample of their DNA , their energies fingerprint . And there are no two alike . It hit me in the face like a freight train . I could see the path this coward had taken to get to the shop . I could 've seen his whole life if I had wanted to but all I cared about was his location then , right then and there . He lived close to the shop , within 2 miles . I should 've taken a minute to think about what I was going to do , but I didn 't . Instead , I made a direct line for the apartment that he was in ; the second floor of a three story complex . Shabby and run down but mostly occupied . His name was Scott Miller . I stared at the mustard - colored paint peeled door . I could feel him in there . I would always be able to feel his breath crawling on my skin if he was anywhere near me . It was the cost of taking his blood . I didn 't knock , I knew he was home . I kicked it in and let my rage wash over me . He sat on his torn couch eating a bowl of fruit loops . Even bad guys liked fruit loops . He was scared and I could feel it . I wasn 't in to torturing people but I knew the longer it took for me to talk it would be like pulling his finger nails off … one … by one . " Scott , it won 't be that easy . How do I know you won 't be out there tomorrow night ? How do I know you will change ? There 's only one way I will be sure . " I closed in on him and grabbed him by the throat with my work hand . I squeezed and he couldn 't do anything about it . Although , it wasn 't for his lack of trying ; I was abnormal . I put my mouth as close to his ear as I could and whispered . " I can always find you - remember that . " I lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . He landed awkwardly and I heard a snap . He screamed in agony and I didn 't care . His foot pointed in the wrong direction , a moment of satisfaction entered my mind . " I need you to tell me your partner 's name , Scott . I need to have a conversation with him , " I said , my eyes fixed on his watery ones . " I know he was the one who hit the old man in the skull . The only reason you 're in one piece is because you weren 't . " " I don 't know who he was man . He came to me and asked if I wanted to make an easy $ 500 . All I had to do was help him knock over a pet store . It sounded easy , so I said yes . " " Why pay you so much ? All you stole was a fifth of that and a wedding ring . Speaking of which , where is the ring ? " I asked . He pointed to the top of the T . V . where a tin container sat on top . I went over and lifted the lid . A simple gold ring , dull and dented , rested inside . It hadn 't been forged in Mt . Doom , or meant to rule them all , but it was special to the man who it was taken from . I grabbed it and stuffed it in my front pocket . I walked over to him . " You are leaving this valley tonight . Don 't come back . I 'll know if you do , I 'll always know . Every day you stay in my town a new bone of yours will be broken . Every day I will shatter a bone like I was snapping a pencil in two . Today it was your ankle , tomorrow who knows what I will feel like smashing . " I punched him across his temple and grabbed his cell phone . I flipped through it but nothing with the name King ; I wrote a few numbers down just in case . I tossed the phone towards Scott , who was " sleeping " , and I strode away . When he woke up he could call for help . I wasn 't going to do it for him . I returned to Charles and gave him his wedding band back . His wife passed away 8 years earlier from a heart attack . They never had any kids . All he had had in this world had been taken from him , except for his ring . His devotion to her was everlasting . When I gave him his ring back he lost control of all emotions , crying from his beloved 's memory . I gave him my word that I would be there to protect him and to ensure that nothing like that would never happen to him again . I gave him a vial with a piece of my hair and a piece of my magic sealed inside . It was a way for him to call me if he was ever in need of my assistance again . It worked like a fire alarm : first break glass and alarm will sound . I would know immediately once the vial had been broken . So far there had been no need for such measures . So , Chris Paul can do what he wants but DeAndre Jordan can 't ? I don 't think that 's very fair . # NBA it 's worse than KD leaving . 10 hours ago |
A look into our life . A stay at home mother of 3 little girls all under the age of 7 . Adventures and struggles of trying to raise 3 daughters , everyday chores and duties and trying to make it through each day without loosing my mind and patience . Sound familiar ? This is my first time to ever do anything like this so please bare with me . I decided to start a blog mostly for myself . I wanted to keep track of all the crazy things that go on in our house on a daily basis . I also thought this would be good for my soul and keep me smiling and laughing even when I feel defeated by my littles at the end of the day . I 'm sure there are a lot of blogs out there similar to this one and it may just bore people but that 's alright . This is us , me and my littles ! I can 't believe 2010 is almost over . It 's been an interesting year for sure . We put our tree up the other day . We decided to buy a fake one this time . The past couple years we bought a real one and they always died way before Christmas and made such a huge mess . This year we gave in and bought the artificial ! It 's the perfect size for our house and the girls love it . Everyone helped decorate it , even Jude . I always envision us spending the evening taking out all of stuff , Christmas music in the back ground , the girls sipping hot chocolate , me with some wine , BJ and I holding hands as we smile at our precious girls . Please ! ! Who am I kidding ? ! I always get WAY too stressed out as the girls go through all the bins , taking everything out at once and throwing it to the floor . Every year we open those bins to find one more thing broken . It seems that for the past 3 years we 've had a baby or toddler crawling around or learning to walk around Christmas . Jude was VERY helpful this year . . . She would walk right up after the girls had carefully placed their ornaments , all bunched up in the same place of course , and take it off . She seemed to really enjoy teasing them . Wonder where she gets that from . : ) This is our first year to have a cat and I wasn 't sure what she would think of the tree . Apparently she thinks it 's her own personal space and doesn 't like if we go near it . Her new favorite spot in on the tree skirt OR climbing up it ! ! I have caught her several times trying to climb it . Really ? ! They do that ? ! She is worse than the girls ! She loves that tree . Weird . . . This time of year my littles always get sick . They get sick often I guess you could say but right around now is when they all get really bad chest colds . Beau always needs to cough but doesn 't like to I guess so she just keeps it in her throat . You know when you 're talking to someone and they totally need to clear their throat but don 't ? That 's Beau ! ! We 're always telling her to clear her throat but she just walks away saying , " Me did ! " in her raspy voice . It never bothers her . Not much does . She will be walking on a flat surface right next to us and then we hear a thud and turn around and she 's lying on the floor dusting off her knees . Her little legs are like rubber and they just give out , leaving her on the ground . She rarely ever cries about it though . Just gets up and says , " My fine " and moves on . On Saturdays I try to make a big , special breakfast for the girls . I 'm a huge fan of breakfast , although I don 't always eat it , I love the idea of it and love to make it . Homemade donuts is one of their favorites ! I hope it 's one of those things they always remember me doing . Donuts and chocolate chip pancakes have always been " our " thing and I just hope they remember and do something similar with their children . : ) He is my favorite , my very best friend and my home . I 'm not a very sappy , romantic person but I consider myself pretty passionate about certain things and pretty honest and real . With me , you get what you see . I can 't hide my feelings , thoughts or expressions very well . With that said , BJ gets me , me respects me and loves me unconditionally which is more than I deserve ! He 's the husband that I never dreamed I would have and the most hands on , involved , dependent father for our girls . They don 't even realize how blessed they truly are to have a father like him . I know when they 're older they 'll see what an incredible Godly man he was to our family . A few months ago BJ was asked if he 'd like the opportunity to go on a missions trip this fall to Guatemala for 8 days . He was thrilled and beside himself with excitement . He 'd never done anything that before and would of left that day if he could ! I 've always felt like God has HUGE plans for BJ and this is only the beginning so I knew he had to go on this trip . He and the group left last Wednesday and will be returning this Thursday . We both knew it was going to be hard on us and the girls but that it was totally worth it and we would power through it ! This will be the longest he and I have been apart and the longest the girls will go without seeing him . Being that he works where he lives , we are fortunate to see him often and have almost every meal together . Our girls are so used to seeing him ALL the time so with him gone , it 's definitely been an adjustment . He always takes Bella to school every morning and will either pick her up a donut or have breakfast with her at school . I guess I 'm pretty spoiled . . . . not having to drag all 3 of the Littles out the door before 7 : 30 . I always appreciated that he wanted to take her to school but not like I do now ! He is so very missed ! We were at church on Sunday and Bella just broke down crying saying she just missed her Dad . I wanted to cry along with her ! Beau has been extra defiant and whenever I ask her why she 's hitting , talking back or not listening she says , " Yes mam . I don 't know . I want Daddy ! ! ! " . I 'm sure I 'm not the most pleasant when he 's gone but I hope I 'm not THAT bad to be around . Jude 's not sure what 's going on and feels the need to cry whenever Beau does . They 're teaming up on me ! Being sick is not that bad if you have your Dad . We have us a good , good man ! Counting down the days till he 's with us ! Well . . . it has been months since I last updated apparently . June to be exact . Summer ended and our lives got incredibly busy very fast ! I guess I will start with August and Bella . She started 1st grade in a public school this year for the first time ! This is a big deal to our family because I 've home schooled for the past two years and she hasn 't had much " real life " experience . Growing up at camp can sometimes be seclusive and sheltered so we weren 't sure how she would do . She begged us to let her go and the school district closest to us opened up to transfer students so we decided to give it a shot and she . . . . . LOVES IT ! ! I can 't believe how well she has adjusted . I think she appreciates it more since she 's never experienced anything like it . She absolutely loves the cafeteria food ( especially the chocolate milk ) and has developed a MAJOR crush on a boy . I realize this is typical for a girl her age but she is border line obsessive ! The first few weeks she would just watch him , very closely and his mother ! She learned his mothers name by listening to a conversation she was having with another parent during pick up time . She knows what he eats everyday and what his backpack is AND how he wears it ! She has developed this smile that she does when she sees him or gets embarrassed . Basically she just sucks her cheeks in really tight and does this fast paced walk down the hall . She almost looks like the speed walkers in the mall . It 's so crazy to watch ! Her Dad doesn 't like all the boy talk : ) Since she started school in August I feel like we have been SO busy ! We drive over 60 miles a day to take and pick her up and then between AWANAS and other church and school things , it can be overwhelming at times . I feel like THAT mom that I never envied . I used to complain about all the free , boring time that we had when I home schooled . Now the free time is seldom and missed . If she didn 't enjoy going so much I would seriously consider pulling her out but for now , we 'll stick it out . Just a funny side note . . . since Halloween is aBeau has become quite the big sister and has really stepped it up ( all on her own ) since Bella has been in school . She 's always been a helper , too much sometimes , but now she 's taken on more a motherly role with Jude . I didn 't realize how much I depended on Bella to help me with the girls until she left ! At different times through out each week I will find Beau trying to put a bib around Judes neck . . . an infant bib . She now tries to pick her up and bounce her on her hip ! ! Jude does NOT enjoy this at all and will just yell till Beau drops her ! There 's no such thing as gently placing Jude down with Beau . She 's just not the gentle type of girl but that 's what makes her Beau ! She 's rough and tough and she doesn 't care . She also enjoys doing Judes hair and putting shoes on her . For the most part , Jude is pretty tolerant but she has a limit . They 've definitely grown a lot closer since Bella is gone and I love that . Neither one of them are T . V . kids so they keep each other pretty busy and me as well ! Jude has also grown up in the past few months and is EVERYWHERE people ! I find myself always calling out her name and looking in everyone 's room only to find her sitting in an empty bath tub or hiding under her crib . She has discovered the ladder on the girls bunk bed and has almost climbed to the very top ! ! She loves to sit on top of the couch and wave to the passing cars but often gets too excited and falls off , hitting her head on the wall on her way down . She just realized she can jump up and down and that she can bend all the way over and put her head between her legs . Her most favorite thing to do would have to be spinning around in a circle until she falls over . Just watching her do this makes me dizzy ! She is smart and sneaky . I found her yesterday trying to carry a stool to the counter so she could get a better look at what I was doing . Before you know it , she 's standing on the kitchen table with a Sharpie in hand , trying to color on Bellas homework ! She 's quick and fast . She is going through that stage of pulling her rubber band out and will NOT leave her hair up . Leaving it down limits her vision but she doesn 't seem to mind one bit . I will spend way too much time doing her hair and the second she walks away , she 's pulled out her bow along with a handful of blonde hair ! I would love to trim it and get it out of her eyes but her dad is not a huge fan of my haircuts . . . enough said . This is what she usually looks like . So over all it 's been crazy , busy , new , too much but it 's been exciting and interesting ! Until next time . . . ! A year ago this week I had Jude . She was born 4 weeks early . It was a rough pregnancy and I had complications the entire time . I had been having contractions for weeks and had been in and out of the hospital . My doctor was certain that I wouldn 't make it to full term . That week the girls and I were outside and I was filling up their baby pool with water . The grass was longer than usual and as I walking I looked down and almost stepped on a huge snake ! I screamed ( I 'm terrified of snakes ) and jumped over it . My stomach immediately started contracting and was getting worse . This continued for hours and the next day I was very uncomfortable and I knew I needed to go to the hospital . I was 35 weeks pregnant . The next morning I had a c - section and Jude was born on June 4th at 9am . She was so tiny , to me , and had a hard time breathing in the beginning . She stayed in the NICU for a very LONG week . We were so thrilled when she was able to come home and meet her sisters . II guess I 'm feeling pretty sad that my little June Bug is turning one this week . Honestly , I was overwhelmed and a bit depressed when I found out I was pregnant with our third child . This came as huge surprise to us both and it took me a little while to come around . The thought of three children terrified me and I didn 't know how I was going to do it all . I 'm not the most pleasant pregnant person to say the least . Looking back , I was selfish and should of felt so thankful to be given another child . Now we have three little girls and I wouldn 't change it for anything ! I would love a fourth daughter ! Lets not get crazy though ! Earlier today I was talking on the phone with a good friend and fellow camp wife . We were laughing and just catching up and started talking about the life that we have as " camp wives " . For those of you that are wondering what in the world I am talking about , let me explain . My husband works for a baptist camp out in south Texas . In the summer we have churches and different groups that bring their kids out here for summer camp . It 's not like the " Parent Trap " camp , that always comes to mind for me . It 's different because kids / children are not dropped off here and then picked up a week later . Sponsors and adults from whatever group it is will come with the kids and stay . Summer is a crazy , hectic time for the camp and our busiest time of year . In the off season , September through May , we are a retreat type of camp . People come here for the weekends for different events or activities . I 'm sure someone else could of explained this a lot better but you get the idea , hopefully : ) So , they 're a few families that live at the the camp year round . Everyone else comes to work for the summer and then they sometimes come back throughout the year to work on weekends . So we live where we work . Now , with this comes many pros and cons . We live in a camp home , we eat MANY meals at camp , we get to see our husbands at every meal if we choose to and so many other wonderful things . It really feels like you 're living in a different world sometimes . It 's hard to explain or understand unless you 're in or have lived it . It 's been an incredible experience for my little girls to live here . They will be playing in the backyard and see their dad ride by on a gator . They get to see him ALL the time . Their backyard is the whole camp ! They can swim in the lake , the pond , go to the pool . In the summer we can go to worship in the evenings , hang out the snack shack and have snow cones . The camp has an amazing fire works show on the 4th of July every summer and we have front row seats ! I hardly have to cook in the summer since we eat almost every meal at the camp . We have the opportunity to have great friendships with so many different people each summer as new and old staff come to work . It really is a good life . This afternoon though , my friend and I were laughing about the OTHER side to living at a camp . The part that people don 't see or realize . Usually when I tell people about the camp and how it works they say how lucky we are and that we have it made ! Don 't get me wrong , we do in many ways and I 'm extremely grateful to live here . There is another side to this life though . During the summer you can pretty much " predict " what will be served that day depending on the day of the week . If you leave your house for the day , everyone knows it because your car is gone . We all share a mailbox so you better not have any dirty mail : ) During the summer we " get " to share our husbands AND our home with hundreds of people . The husbands are so busy during those 3 summer months that sometimes it feels like you 're a single parent ! It can be hard but we get to see him throughout the day around the camp . Today we were on a walk and an irritated woman holding a birthday cake waved me down hoping to get into the cafeteria . I always feel so helpless when people ask me where this or that is or why can 't we do this or go in there ? I don 't work for the camp so I can 't help them . I just try to point them in the direction of the office or someone that does . Sometimes I won 't leave camp for a few days for whatever reason and I feel like I 've missed out on so much ! I tend to forget that world keeps going outside the camp . I think for the men it 's hard to get away from work . Most men leave their jobs and go home and don 't have to look or mess with work related stuff till the next day . Here , you never really leave work behind . It 's right out our back door . We live towards the back of camp sort of out of the way so people really don 't come up to our front door or bother us . Some of the other homes have had visitors from time to time looking for the office . . . that 's always fun : ) This will be our 4th summer here at camp and I 'm not going to lie , those first couple years were difficult for me . I was either pregnant or just had a baby and it was a difficult transition for me . Moving from a busy city to a secluded , country SMALL town was hard at first . It 's taken me some time and a lot of growing and patience but I really do love this place . I have had my girls here and this is our home . It may be different and have its good and bad sides but this has been such a special time in our lives and I wouldn 't trade it ! B . J . always gives me a hard time because I tend to spend less on certain things hoping to save money but really end up buying cheap junk ! A couple weeks ago my glasses broke and I haven 't been able to replace them yet . They were a " cheap " purchase . I went for a simple frame that I was never in love with so I could save a little money . Well . . . that was a great idea ! Now I wake up to blurry little bodies running around demanding food . It 's too early sometimes to put my contacts on and by the end of the day my eyes ares too tired and all I want to do is take my contacts out . I miss having glasses . My next pair will be top of the line ! I have learned that cheaper is not always better , especially when it comes to food . I try to buy generic brands if I can but some generic brands are awful ! ! And I 've learned my lesson when it comes to buying generic diapers . I won 't even go there . . . So , for some reason I stopped writing in my blog . Lately I find less and less time to sit down and write , uninterrupted anyway . I want to make more of an effort to keep blogging though . It seems to help me appreciate the little things that drive me crazy through out the day . I suppose I will just pick up where I left off . . . Today I realized how sneaky and smart Beau really is . Today felt like an extra LONG day . I heard Beaus raspy little voice on the baby monitor at 6 a . m . yelling Bellas name . " Bewwa ! Bewwwwwwaaaaaaa ! ! ! ! " Bella of course did not answer since she was still asleep , as we all were ! Beau never went back to sleep and managed to wake both her sisters up by 6 : 15 . I was thrilled as you can imagine . So , our morning began . I decided today was going to be a day FULL of cleaning and organizing and started washing all the sheets . By lunch I had done way too many loads of laundry , swept , vacuumed and mopped the entire house . I made the girls lunch while they jumped on the trampoline in their suits while spraying each other with the hose . I made thier favorite buttered " white " noodles with cheese , as Bella calls them . I split a fruit cup between them and told them both to eat ALL their fruit . I left them at the table eating while I quickly put clean sheets on the bunk beds , my least favorite thing to do . When I walked back into the kitchen I was pleasantly surprised to see that Beau had eaten all her fruit so I told her I was so proud of her and she gave me a big grin and was very pleased with herself . Bella then told me that Beau did NOT eat her fruit but dumped all of it on Judes high chair tray as soon as I walked away . Sure enough Judes tray , face and hair is full of peaches , pears and pineapple . I should of known . It was at that moment that I had a quick glimpse of what Beaus next few years may be like . Sneaky little thing ! Beau is notorious for trying to slip one by you . At some point this morning she discovered my diaper bag and decided to rummage through it . She came across some gum and told me she " needed " it . I of course said no so she walked off and I thought had moved on . About 15 minutes later I walked in her room to put clothes away and found her hiding in a corner opening each piece of gum . That was fun for everyone . . . My littles are not so little anymore . Jude will be one in three weeks . I know people always say this but it really has gone by too fast . She 's so close to walking and changing everyday it seems . She now dances and has rhythm ! When does that happen ? ! She can crawl faster than any of the other girls at this age . She is quick ! If she seems something she wants then shes going to get it , sometimes with the help of her older sisters . They 're always a little too eager to pick her up and walk her around . I found Beau rocking her the other day and Bella trying to carry her on her hip ! ! Jude loves it of course . She will do whatever she can for a laugh , much like her parents I suppose . Bella will be 6 in July and reminds me daily ! She is a couple weeks away from completing kindergarten . That has also flown by as well . Bella is still a song writer and expert card maker . Today she asked her dad what his most favorite thing in the whole wide world would be . He said something but I guess it was the wrong answer because she said , " Is it getting a special card ? " She then pulled a card out from behind her back and said , " Today is your lucky day Dad ! " She takes it pretty seriously . Last night I attended my very first women 's conference . I have a bad habit of avoiding things like this even though I know I need to get out there and be more involved . I guess I 'm just a home body and am comfortable just hanging out with BJ and my family . I 've never been in a play group or an type of women 's club or group . I was invited to go to this particular conference with a small group of women that I 'm comfortable with and love so I decided to give it a try . I made the decision to take Jude with me because she is still nursing and I would be gone for at least four hours . The church where the conference was held is an hour away from our home . I was well aware that there would be no childcare and I was totally fine with that . I knew that I would just feed Jude at some point and then she would fall asleep . When we arrived at the church we were greeted by women checking to see we had our bracelets on so we could enter . The second I walked in a woman stopped me and asked me to wait on the side while she radioed for someone to come talk to me . I asked if there was a problem and she said just to wait right there . I looked around and didn 't see any other babies and realized that JUDE was the problem . I felt like I was in trouble and I immediately felt like crying . Another woman approached me with another very annoying radio and leaned down , very condescendingly , as she spoke to me . " Okay , Hi . You do realize this is a WOMENS conference and that there is no childcare ? " I say yes of course and she cuts me off to say , " Well since this is just for women we ask that you take your baby out of the conference if she makes any noise or cries since this is for women . " REALLY ? ? ? I was mortified to say the least . If I had driven there myself I would have walked right out and gone home , that 's how UNWELCOME they made me feel . Please let me say that I am not that " mom " that will just let their baby cry and yell or talk during ANY kind of service . I try to be sensitive to the people around me and I never want my littles to annoy oPosted by Over the weekend we had made an appointment to have our very large and stinky chocolate lab bathed at Petsmart . We have been trying to do this once a month because that boy smells ! ! He swims in the pond any opportunity he gets and is just a drooling mess . So , we loaded ALL the family in the car and headed to town , an hour away . We had forgotten his shot records but had done that in the past and they let us slide . I was pretty confident they would take him . We also forgot his leash , it was a little hectic getting everyone ready and out the door . So we pull up to Petsmart and poor BJ had to walk Titan in by the collar , leaning over so much he was practically on his knees . This was very amusing to watch . I was relieved to see buddy go get his bath since our car was beginning to smell like him . About five minutes later I see BJ come out of the store doing that uncomfortable walk , Titan by his side . I guess he was a little past dew for his rabies shot , my fault , and they stood their ground . No shot , no bath ! Great ! We had scheduled his appointment at noon knowing we had to run tons of errands the rest of the day and would be back 3 to 4 hours later to pick him up . So , Titan got to spend the REST of the afternoon with us just stinking up our car . It was a cool day and he had plenty of room in the back to sprawl out so we weren 't worried about him . Each time we got out of the car to go do something we returned to find him sitting in the drivers seat , drool and all ! So gross to say the least , not to mention all the hair that comes along with him ! It was a crazy day . Glad to say he DID get the shots he needed on Monday and will be bathed this weekend ! Yesterday was such a pretty day so the girls and I went on a walk so Bella could pick flowers . I had the two little girls in the double stroller buckled in , so i thought . We were walking on the road heading back home when the stroller got stuck and wouldn 't move any further . I felt like I had run over something . All of a sudden I hear Beau say , " Me shrell ! Stop ! " I guess she had decided she didn 't want to ride in the stroller and wanted to walk so she was trying to sneak out under the bar . The stroller had run over her leg and she was stuck , just laying in the road . I hadn 't even noticed because both sides of the stroller had the shades pulled over so I couldn 't really see what Beau was doing in her seat . Most children probably would of been screaming crying but Beau just looked at her bloody knee and said , " Need my band - aid at my home . " She got up and kept walking . Earlier this morning she was in a really grumpy mood and was being mean to everyone in her path so I told her she was being very mean . She just looked up at me and said , " Me not mean . Me Beau Thomas . " Sorry , my mistake . Big things are happening in the Thomas house . Jude started crawling a couple weeks ago but just really started taking off these past few days . I 'll set her down in one room only to find her in another room minutes later . This has been fun and easy at times but also challenging since the littles have so many tiny toys and things she can choke on . Beau loves to peal the paper off crayons so Jude has gaged on those a few times . The other day we couldn 't find Jude because she was sitting behind BJ 's recliner , a spot I never thought she would find . She 's very proud of herself . Her favorite place to go , and my least favorite , is over to the the art easel . She pushes it around or tries to eat the chalk , tear the paper . . . everything has to be put away now ! Now that she is on the ground and able to explore everything around her , she has discovered Titan , our lab . She has always been interested in him and drools heavily whenever she seems him but NOW she can actually crawl to him . I guess it 's time to put the baby gates back up . . . Now onto Beau . . . I think she has got this whole potty training thing down , finally ! She has been wearing panties ( or " panny " as she says ) for the past couple days and just this morning she made a very large deposit in the potty . . . a first for her . I 'm hopeful this is the end of Beau wearing adult diapers , not really but she 's pretty close : ) I 'm really looking forward to just buying diapers for one child . Now if I could just get her to listen and obey ! Just a few minutes ago Beau decided to take away a toy Bella was playing with . It 's a doll trunk that they keep baby clothes in and it can be quite heavy when they stuff it full of junk . Beau was just standing there holding it and Bella and I were both telling her to give it back . I probably told her to drop it and put it down 3 times when she finally decided to obey . Out of defiance and stubbornness , she looked at Bella and dropped the trunk as hard as she could , not realizing it was going to land on her toes . . . oh Beau . " My shrow , my shrow ! " . Bella just grinned as she picked the trunk up and walked away . Usual Sunday , church and lunch . Then we came home hoping the girls would nap but it was already 2 : 20 , late for the littles to go down , so unfortunately none of them fell asleep so we decided to go on a walk to waste time wear them out . I placed Jude in Bella and Beaus room to play while I went to change my shoes . BJ was sitting at the computer in the other room . As I started to put my socks on I heard Jude scream . Not the tired or hungry scream but the hurt really bad scream . I ran to get her but BJ already had her in his arms and was rushing her over the sink , blood all over her face . She was covered in blood and it was running down his arm . It was coming from her mouth but we couldn 't tell from where exactly . I so badly wanted to start crying but was trying to keep it together . None of our girls had ever bleed this much . Beau was standing right there saying , " Why you cry Shude ? Need band - aid ? " . Bella said Jude had fallen on a stool they have in their room . I felt so bad for little June Bug . It took awhile to stop the bleeding and then the crying . She pretty upset for the rest of the afternoon . Well , we finally got it together and went on our walk . By the time we go to back it was time for me to start dinner . I decided to make salisbury steaks with gravy tonight . . . something I 've never made before but I knew BJ liked it . I also made mashed potatoes , one of Beaus favorite foods . So we sat down to eat and I guess BJ had put just a small piece of meat on Beaus plate and he told her to eat that first . My girls are not huge meat lovers so this is always a struggle . Beau chewed on that one little piece of meat for almost an hour . We kept telling her to swallow it , swallow it , swallow it ! She kept saying , " Me am . " For some reason if the littles don 't care for the food they are told to eat then they will keep it in their mouth for as long as they can . It drives us up the wall ! ! ! Beau didn 't seemed bothered that we kept telling her to swallow it or she wasn 't going to get a cookie or I would take a bean out of her jar . . . Posted by Today is B . J . 's 28th birthday . 28 ! Still so young but so close to 30 . The littles have just about all my computer paper scattered all over the floor and crayons and markers rolling around everywhere . Bella is rushing to make him his ( 6th ) birthday card before he gets up . Beau is taking her time peeling all the paper off the new crayons . . . a pet peeve of mine . We have the birthday banner hung and are so excited to celebrate Daddy today . As I 'm typing this I can hear those dang mice downstairs just living it up ! ! Over the weekend we came to a very difficult decision , not really , and decided to give in a get a cat . Adopt actually . On Valentines day we brought a 8 month old little girl kitten . She was a stray I believe and just needed a home . She 's very quiet and shy right now . We gave Bella the responsibility of choosing a name for her . . . I knew by doing this she would probably end up with a name like " Sally " or " Trisella " . Bella went with Valentine Rose , of course . Every cat needs a middle name right ? We will probably just call her Valentine . Right now the cat just stays in our room and hides out under the bed . Yesterday was the first time she ventured out into the living room when all the littles had gone to bed . She is very nervous and cautious . She discovered the fish tank and just sat on on our kitchen table with her two front paws on the glass . This may become a problem . Bella has already made this cat her own and has made her cards , a crown and a little sleeping bed in my closet . Bella has been the only one able to get the cat out from under my bed . She crawls under there , dust and all , and whispers sweet little words to her until she finally feels comfortable enough to come out . Bella loves animals , not sure where she gets this from . I 'm hoping that after a few days in hiding and checking things out , Valentine will come out and catch those mice ! Our chocolate lab , Titan , did not even know there was cat in the house until last night . Titan is an incredible dog but we call him a dumb jock sometimes . He only cares for his ball and is pretty layed back about everything else . Valentine has a bell on her collar , which has been fun at night , and she was slowly creeping around the kitchen while Titan was just laying on the living room floor . The sound of the bell didn 't even phase him . We kept waiting for him to see her or smell her but he just layed there ! Finally he saw her ans charged . BJ was right there and stopped him but it was a little nerveRight now Beau is standing on a stool trying to sneak a cupcake while I type . For some reason she thinks I can 't see her OR she just doesn 't care . That 's all Beau needs is a cupcake for breakfast . I better go before she gets it . It has already been an eventful morning for us . Beau did her usual 5 : 30 knocking on our door . Today I gave in . By 6 Jude was starting to wake up but ended up falling back asleep . Beau and I came out into the living room and I started to pour myself a cup of coffee and her soymilk . I heard this wierd sound and for a second thought it was the dryer making noises , even though it wasn 't on . It took me a minute until I realized what it was . . . mice squealing . A couple weeks ago I started to notice little dropping in my mud room always in the same spot . Then I noticed them on the dryer and once on my kitchen window seal . BJ said they were probably from a gecko but I wasn 't convinced . I forgot about it until one morning I noticed droppings underneath a bag of trash that was left out to throw away . When I picked the bag up I noticed tiny pieces of paper that had been torn apart . I knew it ! Mice don 't visit us often but we have had a few run ins with them . The first time we realized we had a mouse in the house was when we were woken by a frightened 2 year old Bella saying a mouse woke her up . It was hiding in the box spring of her bed . Gross , I know ! We took care of that and threw out the bed . That following Christmas we were visited again . BJ had brought in the box that our tree was in and layed in in the middle of the kitchen floor . We had been keeping the box in his shed / storage outside . As he opened the box , mice ran out of it in every direction ! They had built nests all over the tree . I had never seen anything like it ! We caught most of them right then but a few still lingered . The next time was when I had my sister Danyel visiting us . She is terrified of mice so this discovery couldn 't of happened at a worse time . We were all sitting on the couch talking and a brave little mouse ran from under the oven to under the fridge . We thought we had taken care of that problem when we saw a mouse on a trap we had layed but that wasn 't the case . Apparently the mice had found a nice cozy spot in my desk drawer to nest and have babies . I discovered this as I opened the drawer to find a dead baby in a little shoe box that was once used for scrap baby and yarn . I was mortified ! This past time was quite a while ago and we have been mouse free for months . . . until now . BJ had layed two traps downstairs in our mudroom a couple days ago . Nothing was happening so I started to feel like maybe it really was just a gecko . There is nothing like that sound of a mouse caught on a trap . It gives me chills to even think about it ! As soon as BJ got up I told him we had caught a mouse . He went to check and said , " Whoa ! " 2 mice on one trap ! ! Disgusting ! The thought of them just living it up in my house . . . too much . Beau was right by his side when he pulled the trap out . One mouse was dead and the other still going strong . ( These are sticky traps by the way ) . Beau said , " Me yike mouse and pet yum . " NO you will not like mice and pet them ! It 's 5 : 45 am and I hear Jude start to fuss . I get up and quickly nurse her , hoping she will go back to sleep . As I start to crawl into bed I see out of the corner of my eye light shining through the cracks of our door . I can tell it 's the tv in the living room . . . Beau . I open our door to find Beau just standing on the other side looking up at me . I start to walk her back to her bed and notice the tv has been on pause for 33 minutes . Then I see it . ( This is going to get gross so sorry ! ) Her nightgown is soaking wet and she has poop down both her legs . I am barely awake at this point and start to walk back into Judes room to get wipes , hoping she doesn 't see or hear me . I hear Beau say , " You step my poo poo . " I look down and sure enough , I have stepped in it ! Apparently she has left a trail of it , some on the wood floors , some on the carpet and some in BJ 's chair . . . she is not supposed to sit in Daddys chair for this very reason . By this time it 's 6am and I can 't believe this is how our morning is starting as I begin to bathe her . Let me explain something about Beau . She does not poop like a normal 2 year old does . She has always had " infant poop " . That 's what Danyel and I like to call it . So it 's not like cleaning up a small diaper . It 's like cleaning up 5 " infant poop " explosions ! It 's too much and happens way too often . So I finish bathing her and she is just singing and playing , just really enjoying this one on one time with me , as I roll my eyes . I start to dress her , do her hair , and I see MORE poop on the opposite side of the kitchen ! Come on ! I clean it all up and then remember BJ 's chair . . . . It looks like she sat there for awhile before I found her . I don 't even know how to clean it but I do my best before he gets up . Now it 's 6 : 20 and I hear Jude talking because Beau has snuck in her room . Then I see Bella come out of her room , also barely awake , saying " Beau woke me up . " So now we 're all up , they 've already had breakfast , been in two fights , and one spanking . And our day begins . . . Earlier today Jude was sitting on the floor playing with Little People so quietly . I had started getting things out to start dinner . Bella was watching a movie and Beau was changing her babys diaper on the floor next to me . For just a moment I thought , " wow . . . it 's quiet and all the littles are busy . . . this is really nice . I might be able to knock dinner out before anyone even notices what I 'm doing ! " Just as the thought entered my mind , it was interrupted by Bella yelling , " MOM ! Jude is playing with her spit up ! " As I walked over to her I hear Beau say under her breath , " need wipe my baby . " Sure enough Jude has spit up all over the floor and is rubbing her little fingers in it and sticking them in her mouth . When I had finished cleaning her up I see Beau walk past me very slowly hiding a wipie box behind her back , as if I can 't see it ! I said , " What do you have Beau ? " She simply replys , " Nuffing " . During dinner the girls were supposed to try the spinach I had served them . I know they don 't like it but if they ate it we told them they could have a brownie and put a bean in their jars , I 'll explain that later . Bella actually ate all her spinach and it looked like Beau had eaten hers . I was shocked . Turns out , Beau had been putting her spinach on the floor and spitting it back out and mixing in with other food on her plate . She probably ate one spinach leaf ! Danyel , my very wise , older sister , came up with an idea to put some sort of coin or bean or whatever in a jar everytime the girls did something good or w / out being told to do something . We 're cheap so I decided to do pinto beans and we call them the Behavior Beans . Bella and Beau each have a jar and we drop a bean in there when they obey , clean , make their beds , chores . . . you get the point . We can also take beans out if they misbehave or disobey . They think it 's the best thing in the world . Who knew something so small and simple would make them so happy . When Beau pees on the potty she says , " Now beam and shotlate ? " She loves those " beams " ! Well , this is the end of day one of my blog . All the littles are in bed , although not alseep because Beau keeps coming out with all kinds of excuses , but at least they 're in bed ! Now it 's time for me and BJ ! 4 : 30am and I heard a faint tap on our door . Beau and all her babies . This has become a ritual for her and I don 't know why . We 're not the type of parents that welcome children to come sleep with us . We 're not opposed to it but our bed is OUR bed and their bed is THEIR bed . Beau doesn 't agree with this at all . Her body ( or maybe her wet pull - up ) wakes her up every night between 4 and 5 and she wants in ! B . J . answered the door this morning and wasn 't having it . Two things can happen . Either she will go back to bed and not fight it OR she will scream and yell , wake up Bella ( since they share a room ) and stay awake . Thankfully today she went back to sleep , I think . . . She was sitting on the couch at 6 : 30 watching tv with Bella . Sometimes when this happens it can ruin the entire day . If she fights and screams and doesn 't ever go back to sleep then we can have a really bad day . Today has been good though . We had lunch at the camp and now I 'm going to nap the littles . Hopefully all will sleep at the same time . As I sit down to write this , I 'm realizing that it may take me hours to write a small paragraph since I keep getting interrupted every couple minutes but I 'm going to try ! I 'm not sure how to start this whole thing so I guess I will begin by describing each of my girls . Bella is my oldest and turning 6 this summer . She has such a sweet , kind , giving spirit and an incredible love for her family and Jesus . She invited Jesus into her heart in October and is proud to tell you ! Bella is in Kinder and is homeschooled . She 's doing really well and seems to enjoy being home with me and her sisters . I guess she doesn 't know any different so it may just be that . Occasionally she will ask why she doesn 't go to a " real school " but after I explain the reasons she moves on . Bellas passion in life ( at least now ) is making cards for people and picking flowers . If you know her than she has probably made you a card at some point , or 10 ! By the time I wake up in the morning , which is not long after she does , she has usually made at least 3 cards . Bellas love languages are acts of kindness , receiving gifts and physical touch . She shows people she loves them by making them a card . She adores flowers , nature , deer , and all the little things around us that I have stopped noticing . She makes me stop and look at stars or how fast the clouds are moving or a butterfly flying by . She doesn 't miss any outdoor detail . She has an incredible memory and can memorize Bible verses minutes before Awana 's . She always amazes me . She has a very sensitive side to her and an innocense I wish would last forever . She gives , all the time . She 's a giver and sometimes I feel like I don 't deserve her . It 's amazing that a child that small has such unconditional love for me all the time , even when I feel like I have been the worst mom that day or moment . She always forgives . I learn so much from her . Beau is 2 and won 't be 3 till the fall but I feel like she has been 3 for a long time . Beau is full of life , energy and curiosity . She is a problem solver , like her Posted by We are living the life , I think anyway . Our three girls are healthy , happy and have such an incredible love for Jesus Christ . I fall more and more in love with my husband everyday and God provides again and again , even when we 're undeserving . It 's not always quiet and calm at the Thomas house but we wouldn 't change it ! |
Cahill lived in the Flats with about twenty other guys in a place that used to be an Irish bar called Fado . At the back of the bar was the Cuyahoga River , good for protection since zombies didn 't cross the river . They didn 't crumble into dust , they were just stupid as bricks and they never built a boat or a bridge or built anything . Zombies were the ultimate trash . Worse than the guys who cooked meth in trailers . Worse than the fat women on WIC . Zombies were just useless dumbfucks . Cahill was talking to a guy called Duck . Well , really , Duck was talking and Cahill was mostly listening . Duck had been speculating on the biology of zombies . He thought that the whole zombie thing was a virus , like Mad Cow Disease . A lot of the guys thought that . A lot of them mentioned that movie , 28 Days where everybody but a few people had been driven crazy by a virus . " But they gotta find something , " Duck said . Duck had a prison tattoo of a mallard on his arm . Cahill wouldn 't have known it was a mallard if Duck hadn 't told him . He could just about tell it was a bird . Duck was over six feet tall and Cahill would have hated to have been the guy who gave Duck such a shitty tattoo cause Duck probably beat him senseless when he finally got a look at the thing . " Maybe , " Duck mused , " maybe they 're solar powered . And eating us is just a bonus . " Cahill didn 't really like talking to Duck , but Duck often found Cahill and started talking to him . Cahill didn 't know why . Most of the guys gave Duck a wide berth . Cahill figured it was probably easier to just talk to Duck when Duck wanted to talk . Almost all of the guys at Fado were white . There was a Filipino guy , but he pretty much counted as white . As far as Cahill could tell there were two kinds of black guys , regular black guys and Nation of Islam . The Nation of Islam had gotten organized and turned a place across the street - a club called Heaven - into their headquarters . Most of the regular black guys lived below Heaven and in the building next door . This whole area of the Flats had been bars and restaurants and clubs . Now it was a kind of compound with a wall of rubbish and dead cars forming a perimeter . Duck said that during the winter they had regular patrols organized by Whittaker and the Nation . Cold as shit standing behind a junked car on its side , watching for zombies . But they had killed off most of the zombies off in this area and now they didn 't bother keeping watch . Occasionally a zombie wandered across the bridge and they had to take care of it , but in the time Cahill had been in Cleveland , he had seen exactly four zombies . One had been a woman . Life in the zombie preserve really wasn 't as bad as Cahill had expected . He 'd been dumped off the bus and then spent a day skulking around expecting zombies to come boiling out of the floor like rats and eat him alive . He 'd heard that the life expectancy of a guy in a preserve was something like two and a half days . But he 'd only been here about a day and a half when he found a cache of liquor in the trunk of a car and then some guys scavenging . He 'd shown them where the liquor was and they 'd taken him back to the Flats . Cahill didn 't think it was so great , and glancing around he was pretty sure that he wasn 't the only one who wouldn 't chuck the whole thing for a chance to sit and watch the Sox on TV . Bullshitting was what the Whittakers of the world did . It was part of running other people 's lives . Cahill had dragged in a futon and made himself a little room . It had no windows and only one way in , which was good in case of attack . But he found most of the time he couldn 't sleep there . A lot of time he slept outside on a picnic table someone had dragged out into the middle of the street . Cahill hated to scavenge . It was nerve - wracking . It wasn 't hard ; there was a surprising amount left in the city , even after the groceries had been looted . He shrugged and thought about it and decided it was better not to say no to Whittaker . And it gave him an excuse to stop talking to Duck about zombies . He followed Riley and left Duck sitting looking at the water , enjoying the May sun . " I think it 's a government thing , " Riley said . Riley was black but just regular black , not Nation of Islam . " I think it 's a mutation of the AIDs virus . " He thought that might piss Riley off but Riley seemed pleased to be able to explain how gay guys were the perfect way to introduce the disease because nobody cared fuckall what happened to them . But that really , fags getting it was an accident because it was supposed to wipe out all the black people in Africa and then the whites could just move into a whole new continent . Some queer stewardess got it in Africa and then brought it back here . It would kill white people but it killed black people faster . And now if you were rich they could cure you or at least give you drugs for your whole life so you wouldn 't get sick and die which was the same thing , but they were still letting black people and Africans die . Cahill tuned Riley out . They collected two other guys . Riley was in charge . Cahill didn 't know the names of the two other guys - a scrawny , white - trash looking guy and a light - skinned black guy . There were crows gathering at Euclid , and , Riley guessed , maybe around East Ninth , so they headed north towards the lake . Zombies stank and the crows tended to hang around them . Behind them the burned ruins of the Renaissance hotel were still black and wet from the rain a couple of days ago . When they saw the zombie there were no crows but that may have been because there was only one . Crows often meant a number of zombies . She fixed on them , turning her face towards them despite the blank whiteness of her eyes . She was black and her hair had once been in cornrows , though now half of it was loose and tangled . They all stopped and stood stock still . No one knew how zombies ' saw ' people . Maybe infrared like pit vipers . Maybe smell . Cahill could not tell from this far if she was sniffing . Or listening . Or maybe even tasting the air . Taste was one of the most primitive senses . Primitive as smell . Smelling with the tongue . She went from standing there to loping towards them . That was one of the things about zombies . They didn 't lean . They didn 't anticipate . One minute they were standing there , the next minute they were running towards you . They didn 't lead with their eyes or their chins . They were never surprised . They just were . As inexorable as rain . She didn 't look as she ran , even though she was running through debris and rubble , placing her feet and sometimes barely leaping . They all had pipes and they all got them ready . Cahill wished he had a gun but Whittaker confiscated guns . Hell , he wished he had an MK 19 , a grenade launcher . And a humvee and some support , maybe with mortars while he was at it . Then she was on them and they were all swinging like mad because if she got her teeth into any of them , it was all over for that guy . The best thing to do was to keep up a goddamn flurry of swinging pipes so she couldn 't get to anyone . Cahill hit other pipe mostly , the impact clanging through his wrist bones , but sometimes when he hit the zombie he felt the melon thunk . She made no noise . No moaning , no hissing , no movie zombie noises , but even as they crushed her head and knocked her down ( her eye socket gone soft and one eye a loose silken white sack ) she kept moving and reaching . She didn 't try to grab the pipes , she just reached for them until they had pounded her into broken bits . No blood . Which was strangely creepy . Cahill knew from experience that people had a lot more blood in them than you ever would have thought based on TV shows . Blood and blood and more blood . But this zombie didn 't seem to have any blood . All the bones in her arms and legs were broken and her head was smashed to nothing . It was hard to tell she had ever looked like a person . The torso hitched its hips , raising its belly , trying to inchworm towards them , its broken limbs moving and shuddering like a seizure . After that , everyone was pretty tense . They broke into an apartment complex above a storefront . The storefront had been looted and the windows looked empty as the socket of a pulled tooth , but the door to the apartments above was still locked which meant that they might find stuff untouched . Cahill wondered : If zombies did go dormant without food , what if someone had gotten bit and went back to this place , to their apartment ? Could they be waiting for someone to enter the dark foyer , for the warmth and smell and the low steady big drum beat of the human heart to bring them back ? They went up the dark stairwell and busted open the door of the first apartment . It smelled closed , cold and dank . The furniture looked like it had been furnished from the curb , but it had a huge honking television . Which said everything about the guy who had lived here . They ignored the TV . What they were looking for was canned goods . Chef Boy - ar - dee . Cans of beef stew . Beer . They all headed for the kitchen and guys started flipping open cabinets . The refrigerator had been full of food , and then had sat , sealed and without power , while that food all rotted into a seething , shit - stinking mess . The smell was like a bomb . The inside was greenish black . " Fuck ! " someone said and then they all got out of the kitchen . Cahill opened a window and stepped out onto the fire escape . It was closest and everyone else was headed out into the living room where someone would probably take a swing at him for being an asshole . The fire escape was in an alley and he figured that he could probably get to the street and meet them in front , although he wasn 't exactly sure how fire escapes worked . Instead he froze . Below him , in the alley , there was one of those big dumpsters , painted green . The top was off the dumpster and inside it , curled up , was a zombie . Because it was curled up , he couldn 't tell much about it - whether it was male or female , black or white . It looked small and it was wearing a striped shirt . The weird thing was that the entire inside of the dumpster had been covered in aluminum foil . There wasn 't any sun yet in the alley but the dumpster was still a dull and crinkly mirror . As best he could tell , every bit was covered . He waited for the zombie to sense him and raise its sightless face but it didn 't move . It was in one corner , like a gerbil or something in an aquarium . And all that freaking tinfoil . Had it gone into apartments and searched for aluminum foil ? What for ? To trap sunlight ? Maybe Duck was right , they were solar powered . Or maybe it just liked shiny stuff . The window had been hard to open and it had been loud . He could still smell the reek of the kitchen . The sound and the stink should have alerted the zombie . He heard a distant whump . And then a couple more , with a dull rumble of explosion . It sounded like an air strike . The zombie stirred a little , not even raising its head . More like an animal disturbed in its sleep . The hair was standing up on the back of Cahill 's neck . From the zombie or the air strike , he couldn 't tell . He didn 't hear helicopters . He didn 't hear anything . He stamped on the metal fire escape . It rang dully . The zombie didn 't move . He went back inside , through the kitchen and the now empty apartment , down the dark stairwell . The other guys were standing around in the street , talking about the sounds they 'd heard . Cahill didn 't say anything , didn 't say they were probably Hellfire missiles although they sure as hell sounded like them , and he didn 't say there was a zombie in the alley . Nobody said anything to him about opening the refrigerator , which was fine by him . " Is that the camp ? " " Fuck is right . " " One of the buildings is on fire ? " Cahill wished they would shut the fuck up because he was listening for helicopters . They headed for Main Avenue . By the time they got to West 10th , there was a lot more smoke and they could see some of it was rising from what used to be Shooters . They had to pick their way across debris . Fado and Heaven were gutted , the buildings blown out . Maybe someone was still alive . There were bodies . Cahill could see one in what looked like Whittaker 's usual uniform of orange football jersey and black athletic shorts . Most of the head was missing . Because we weren 't dying , Cahill thought . We weren 't supposed to figure out how to stay alive . We certainly weren 't supposed to establish some sort of base . Hell , the rats might get out of the cage . The little guy who thought it might have been a crane walked up behind Riley and swung his pipe into the back of Riley 's head . Riley staggered and the little guy swung again , and Riley 's skull cracked audibly . They little guy hit a third time as Riley went down . Cahill wondered if the little guy had gotten scratched by the first zombie and they had missed it . Or if he was just bugfuck . Didn 't matter . Cahill took a careful step back , holding his own pipe . And then another . The little guy didn 't try to stop him . He thought about waiting for a moment to see what the fourth guy would do . Two people would probably have a better chance than one . Someone to watch while the other slept . But the fourth guy was staring at the little guy and at Riley , who was laid out on the road , and he didn 't seem to be able to wrap his head around the idea that their base was destroyed and Riley was dead . He found an expensive loft with a big white leather couch and a kitchen full of granite and stainless steel and a bed the size of a football field and he stayed there for a couple of days , eating pouches of tuna he found next door but it was too big and in a couple of days , the liquor cabinet was empty . By that time he had developed a deep and abiding hatred for the couple who had lived here . He had found pictures of them . A dark haired forty - ish guy with a kayak and a shit - eating grin . He had owned some kind of construction business . She was a toothy blonde with a big forehead who he mentally fucked every night in the big bed . It only made him crazy horny for actual sex . He imagined they 'd been evacuated . People like them didn 't get killed , even when the zombies came . Even in the first panicked days when they were in dozens of cities and it seemed like the end of the world , before they 'd gotten them under control . Somewhere they were sitting around in their new , lovely loft with working plumbing , telling their friends about how horrible it had been . Finally , he dragged the big mattress to the freight elevator and then to the middle of the street out front . Long before he got it to the freight elevator , he had completely lost the righteous anger that had possessed him when he thought of the plan , but by then he was just pissed at everything . He considered torching the building but in the end he got the mattress down to the street , along with some pillows and cushions and magazines and kitchen chairs and set fire to the pile , then retreated to the third floor of the building across the way . Word was that zombies came for fire . Cahill was buzzing with a kind of suicidal craziness by this point , simultaneously terrified and elated . He settled in with a bottle of cranberry vodka , the last of the liquor from the loft , and a fancy martini glass , and waited . The vodka was not as awful as it sounded . The fire burned , almost transparent at first , and then orange and smoky . After an hour he was bored and antsy . He jacked off with the picture of the toothy blonde . He drank more of the cranberry vodka . He glanced down at the fire and they were there . There were three of them , one standing by a light pole at the end of the street , one standing in the middle of the street , one almost directly below him . He grabbed his length of pipe and the baseball bat he 'd found . He had been looking for a gun but hadn 't found one . He wasn 't sure that a gun would make much difference anyway . They were all unnaturally still . None of them had turned their blind faces towards him . They didn 't seem to look at anything - not him , not the fire , not each other . They just stood there . All of the shortcomings of this presented themselves . He had only one way out of the building , as far as he knew , and that was the door to the street where the zombies were . There was a back door but someone had driven a UPS truck into it and it was impassable . He didn 't have any food . He didn 't have much in the way of defense - he could have made traps . Found bedsprings and rigged up spikes so that if a zombie came in the hall and tripped it , it would slam the thing against the wall and shred it . Not that he had ever been particularly mechanical . He didn 't really know how such a thing would work . Lighter fluid . He could douse an area in lighter fluid or gasoline or something , and if a zombie came towards him , set fire to the fucker . Hell , even an idiot could make a Molotov cocktail . All three of the zombies had once been men . One of them was so short he thought it was a child . Then he thought maybe it was a dwarf . One of them was wearing what might have once been a suit , which was a nice thing . Zombie businessmen struck Cahill as appropriate . The problem was that he didn 't dare leave until they did , and the mattress looked ready to smolder for a good long time . It did smolder for a good long time . The zombies just stood there , not looking at the fire , not looking at each other , not looking at anything . The zombie girl , the one they 'd killed with Riley , she had turned her face in their direction . That was so far the most human thing he had seen a zombie do . He tried to see if their noses twitched or if they sniffed but they were too far away . He added binoculars to his mental list of shit he hoped to find . Eventually he went and explored some of the building he was in . It was offices and the candy machine had been turned over and emptied . He worried when he prowled the darkened halls that the zombies had somehow sensed him , so he could only bring himself to explore for a few minutes at a time before he went back to his original window and checked . But they were just standing there . When it got dark , he wondered if they would lie down , maybe sleep like the one in the dumpster but they didn 't . The night was horrible . There was no light in the city , of course . The street was dark enough that he couldn 't see the short zombie . Where it was standing was a shadow and a pretty much impenetrable one . The smoldering fire cast no real light at all . It was just an ashen heap that sometimes glowed red when a breeze picked up . Cahill nodded off and jerked awake , counting the zombies , wondering if the little one had moved in on him . If the short one sensed him , wouldn 't they all sense him ? Didn 't the fact that two of them were still there mean that it was still there , too ? It was hard to make out any of them , and sometimes he thought maybe they had all moved . At dawn they were all three still there . All three still standing . Crows had gathered on the edge of the roof of a building down the street , probably drawn by the smell . They stood there for that whole day , the night , and part of the next day before one of them turned and loped away , smooth as glass . The other two stood there for awhile longer - an hour ? He had no sense of time anymore . Then they moved off at the same time , not exactly together but apparently triggered by the same strange signal . He watched them lope off . For days the city was alive with zombies for him although he didn 't see any . He saw crows and avoided wherever he saw them . He headed for the lake and found a place not far from the Flats , an apartment over shops , with windows that opened . It wasn 't near as swanky as the loft . He rigged up an alarm system that involved a bunch of thread crossing the open doorway to the stairwell and a bunch of wind chimes . Anything hit the thread and it would release the wind chimes which would fall and make enough noise to wake the fucking dead . He decided to check out the zombie he had seen in the dumpster . He had a back pack now with water , a couple of cans of Campbell 's Chunky soups - including his favorite , chicken and sausage gumbo , because if he got stuck somewhere like the last time , he figured he 'd need something to look forward to - a tub of Duncan Hines Creamy Homestyle Chocolate Buttercream frosting for dessert , a can opener , a flashlight with batteries that worked , and his prize find , binoculars . Besides his length of pipe , he carried a Molotov cocktail ; a wine bottle three - fourths filled with gasoline mixed with sugar , corked , with a gasoline soaked rag rubber - banded to the top and covered with a sandwich bag so it wouldn 't dry out . He thought about cars as he walked . The trip he was making would take him an hour and it would have been five minutes in a car . People in cars had no fucking appreciation for how big places were . Nobody would be fat if there weren 't any cars . Far down the street , someone came out of a looted store carrying a cardboard box . Cahill stopped and then dropped behind a pile of debris from a sandwich shop . If it was a zombie , he wasn 't sure hiding wouldn 't make any difference , and he pulled his lighter out of his pocket , ready to throw the bottle . But it wasn 't a zombie . Zombies , as far as he knew , didn 't carry boxes of loot around . The guy with the box must have seen Cahill moving because he dropped the box and ran . Cahill occasionally saw other convicts , but he avoided them , and so far , they avoided him . There was a one dude who Cahill was pretty sure lived somewhere around the wreckage of the Renaissance Hotel . He didn 't seem to want any company , either . Cahill followed to where this new guy had disappeared around a corner . The guy was watching and when he saw Cahill , he jogged away , watching over his shoulder to see if Cahill would follow . Cahill stood until the guy had turned the corner . By the time Cahill got to the apartment where he 'd seen the zombie in the dumpster , he was pretty sure that the other guy had gotten behind him and was following him . It irritated him . Dickweed . He thought about not going upstairs , but decided that since the guy wasn 't in sight at the moment , it would give Cahill a chance to disappear . Besides , they hadn 't actually checked out the apartment and there might be something worth scavenging . In Cahill 's months of scavenging , he had never seen a zombie in an apartment , or even any evidence of one , but he always checked carefully . The place was empty , still stinking a little of the contents of the fridge , but the smell was no worse than a lot of places and a lot better than some . Rain had come in where he 'd left the kitchen window open , warping the linoleum . He climbed out onto the fire escape and looked down . The dumpster was empty , although still lined with some tattered aluminum foil . He pulled out his binoculars and checked carefully , but he couldn 't really see anything . He stood for a long time . Truthfully he couldn 't be a hundred percent sure it was a zombie . Maybe it had been a child , some sort of refugee ? Hard to imagine any child surviving in the city . No , it had to be a zombie . He considered lighting and tossing the Molotov cocktail and seeing if the zombie came to the alley , but didn 't want to wait it out in this apartment building . Something about this place made him feel vulnerable . Eventually he rummaged through the apartment . The bedside table held neither handgun nor D batteries , two things high on his scavenger list . He went back down the dark stairwell and stopped well back from the doorway . Out in the middle of the street , in front of the building to his left but visible from where he stood , was an offering . A box with a bottle of whiskey set on it . Like some kind of perverse lemonade stand . If the guy had found a handgun , he could be waiting in ambush . Cahill figured there was a good chance he could outlast the guy but he hated waiting in the stairwell . There were no apartments on the first level , just a hallway between two storefronts . Cahill headed back upstairs . The apartment he 'd been in before didn 't look out the front of the building . The one that did was locked . Breaking open the lock would undoubtedly make a hell of a lot of racket . He went back to the first apartment , checked one more time for the zombie , and peed in the empty toilet . He grabbed a pillow from the bed . Cahill went back downstairs and sat down on the bottom step and wedged the pillow in behind his back . He set up his bottle and his lighter beside him on the step , and his pipe on the other side and settled in to watch . He could at least wait until dark although it wasn 't even mid - morning yet . After awhile he ate his soup - the can opener sounded louder than it probably was . It was warm midday and Cahill was drowsy warm when the guy finally , nervously , walked out to the box and picked up the whiskey . Cahill sat still in the shadow of the stairwell with his hand on his pipe . As best as he could tell , he was unnoticed . The guy was a tall , skinny black man wearing a brown Cleveland football jersey and a pair of expensive looking , olive - green suit pants . Cahill looked out and watched the guy walk back up the street . After a minute , Cahill followed . " Bro , " the man said . " Hey , were you hiding back there ? " He laughed nervously and held up the bottle . " Peace offering , bro . Just looking to make some peace . " " Just , you know , wanna talk . Talk to someone who knows the ropes , you know ? I just got here and I don 't know what the fuck is going on , bro . " " Listen , I 'm just trying to be friendly , " the guy said . " I swear to God , I don 't have anything . How do I know you 're not going to do something to me ? You 're a freaky dude - you know that ? " The guy talked for about five minutes , finally talking himself into lying down on his stomach with his arms out . Cahill moved fast , patting him down . The guy wasn 't lying , he didn 't have anything on him . " Fuck man , " the guy said . " I told you that . " Once he was sure Cahill wasn 't going to do anything to him he talked even more . His name was LaJon Watson and his lawyer had told him there was no way they were going to drop him in the Cleveland Zombie Preserve because the Supreme Court was going to declare it unconstitutional . His lawyer had been saying that right up until the day they put LaJon on the bus , which was when LaJon realized that his lawyer knew shit . LaJon wanted to know if Cahill had seen any zombies and what they were like and how Cahill had stayed alive . Cahill found it hard to talk . He hadn 't talked to anyone in weeks . Usually someone like LaJon Watson would have driven him nuts , but it was nice to let the tide of talk wash over him while they walked . He wasn 't sure that he wouldn 't regret it , but he took LaJon back to his place . LaJon admired his alarm system . " You gotta show me how to unhook it and hook it back up . Don 't they see it ? I mean , has one of them ever hit it ? " There were scientists studying zombies and sometimes there was zombie stuff on Fox News , but LaJon said he hadn 't paid much attention to all that . He really hadn 't expected to need to know about zombies . In fact , he hadn 't been sure at first that Cahill wasn 't a zombie . Cahill opened cans of Campbell 's Chunky Chicken and Dumplings . LaJon asked if Cahill warmed them over a fire or what . Cahill handed him a can and a spoon . LaJon wolfed down the soup . LaJon wouldn 't shut up , even while eating . He told Cahill how he 'd looked in a bunch of shops , but most of them had been pretty thoroughly looted . He 'd looked in an apartment , but the only thing on the shelves in a can was tomato paste and evaporated milk . Although now that he thought about it , maybe he could have made some sort of tomato soup or something . He hadn 't slept in the two days he 'd been here and he was going crazy and it was a great fucking thing to have found somebody who could show him the ropes . LaJon was from Cincinnati . Did Cahill know anybody from Cincinnati ? Where had Cahill been doing time ? ( Auburn . ) LaJon didn 't know anybody at Auburn , wasn 't that New York ? LaJon had been at Lebanon Correctional . Cahill was a nice dude , if quiet . Who else was around , and was there anyone LaJon could score from ? ( Cahill said he didn 't know . ) What did people use for money here anyway ? Cahill decided it had been a mistake to bring LaJon . He picked up the bottle of whiskey and opened it . He didn 't usually use glasses but got two out of the cupboard and poured them each some whiskey . LaJon apologized , " I don 't usually talk this much , " he said . " I guess I just fucking figured I was dead when they dropped me here . " He took a big drink of whiskey . " It 's like my mouth can 't stop . " Cahill poured LaJon more to drink and nursed his own whiskey . Exhaustion and nerves were telling , LaJon was finally slowing down . " You want some frosting ? " Cahill asked . LaJon allowed himself to be half - carried downstairs . Cahill was worried when he had to unhook the alarm system . He propped LaJon up against the wall and told him ' Just a moment . ' If LaJon slid down the wall and passed out , he 'd be hell to get downstairs . But the lanky black guy stood there long enough for Cahill to get the alarm stuff out of the way . He was starting to sober up a little . Cahill got him down to the street . Cahill took the stairs two at a time in the dark . He grabbed pillows , blankets , and the whiskey bottle and went back down to the sidewalk . He handed LaJon the whiskey bottle . " It 's not so hot out here , " he said , although it was on the sidewalk with the sunlight . Cahill went back upstairs and came down with a bunch of couch cushions . He made a kind of bed and got LaJon to sit on it . " We 're okay in the day , " he said . " Zombies don 't like the light . I sleep in the day . I 'll get us upstairs before night . " Cahill sat for a bit , planning and watching the street . After a bit , he went back to his apartment . When he found something good scavenging , he squirreled it away . He came downstairs with duct tape . He taped LaJon 's ankles together . Then his wrists . Then he sat LaJon up . LaJon opened his eyes , said , " What the fuck ? " drunkenly . Cahill taped LaJon 's arms to his sides , right at his elbows , running the tape all the way around his torso . LaJon started to struggle , but Cahill was methodical and patient , and he used the whole roll of tape to secure LaJon 's arms . From shoulders to waist , LaJon was a duct tape mummy . Cahill left him there and went looking . He found an upright dolly at a bar , and brought it back . It didn 't do so well where the pavement was uneven , but he didn 't think he could carry LaJon far and if he was going to build a fire , he didn 't want it to be close to his place , where zombies could pin him in his apartment . LaJon was still where he left him , although when he saw Cahill , he went into a frenzy of struggling . Cahill let him struggle . He lay the dolly down and rolled LaJon onto it . LaJon fought like anything , so in the end , Cahill went back upstairs and got another roll of duck tape and duck taped LaJon to the dolly . That was harder than duct taping LaJon the first time , because LaJon was scared and pissed now . When Cahill finally pulled the dolly up LaJon struggled so hard that the dolly was unmanageable , which pissed Cahill off so much he just let go . LaJon went over , and without hands to stop himself , face planted on the sidewalk . That stilled him . Cahill pulled the dolly upright then . LaJon 's face was a bloody mess and it looked like he might have broken a couple of teeth . He was conscious , but stunned . Cahill started pushing the dolly and LaJon threw up . " Just my fucking luck . Kind of luck I had all my life . I find one guy alive in this fucking place and he a bug . " LaJon spat . " What are you gonna do to me ? " Cahill was so tired of LaJon that he considered going back to his place and leaving LaJon here . Instead , he found a door and pried it open with a tire iron . It had been an office building and the second floor was fronted with glass . He had a hell of a time finding a set of service stairs that opened from the outside on the first floor . He found some chairs and dragged them downstairs . Then he emptied file cabinets , piling the papers around the chairs . LaJon watched him , getting more anxious . When it looked like he 'd get a decent fire going , he put LaJon next to it . The blood had dried on LaJon 's face and he 'd bruised up a bit . It was evening . LaJon must have figured that Cahill wasn 't going to burn him . Then he began to worry about zombies . Cahill watched him start twisting around , trying to look around . The dolly rocked and LaJon realized that if he wasn 't careful , the dolly would go over again and he 'd faceplant and not be able to see . Cahill gambled that the zombies wouldn 't be there right away , and found a soda machine in the hallway . He broke it open with his tire iron and got himself a couple of Cokes and then went back to watch it get dark . The zombies weren 't there yet . He opened a warm Coke and settled in a desk chair from one of the offices - much more comfortable than the cubicle chairs . He opened a jar of peanut butter and ate it with a spoon . It came so fast that he didn 't see it until it was at the fire . LaJon saw it before he did and went rigid with fear . The fire was between LaJon and the zombie . It just stood there , not watching the fire , but standing there . Not ' looking ' at LaJon , either . Cahill leaned forward . He tried to read its body language . It had been a man , overweight , maybe middle - aged , but now it was predatory and gracile . It didn 't seem to do any normal things . It was moving and it stopped . Once stopped , it was still . An object rather than an animal . Like the ones that had come to the mattress fire , it didn 't seem to need to shift its weight . After a few minutes , another one came from the same direction and stopped , looking at the fire . It had once been a man , too . It still wore glasses . Would there be a third ? Did they come in threes ? Cahill imagined a zombie family . Little triplets of zombies , all apparently oblivious of each other . Maybe the zombie he 'd seen was still in the zombie den ? He had never figured out where the zombies stayed . LaJon was still and silent with terror , but the zombies didn 't seem to know or care that he was there . They just stood , slightly askew and indifferent . Was it the fire ? Would they notice LaJon when the fire died down ? Then there was a third one , but it came from the other side of the fire , the same side LaJon was on so there was no fire between it and LaJon . Cahill saw it before LaJon did , and from its directed lope he was sure it was aware of LaJon . LaJon saw it just before it got to him . His mouth opened wide and it was on him , hands and teeth . LaJon was clearly screaming , although behind the glass of the office building , Cahill couldn 't hear him . Cahill was watching the other zombies . They didn 't react to the noise at all . Even when there was blood all over , they didn 't seem to sense anything . Cahill reflected , not for the first time , that it actually took people a lot longer to die than it did on television or in the movies . He noted that the one that had mauled and eventually killed LaJon did not seem to prefer brains . Sometime in the night , the fire died down enough that the zombies on the wrong side of the fire seemed to sense the body of LaJon , and in an instant , they were feeding . The first one , apparently sated , just stood , indifferent . Two more showed up in the hours before dawn and fed in the dim red of the embers of the fire . When they finally left , almost two days later , there was nothing but broken bones and scattered teeth . Cahill lay low for awhile after that , feeling exhausted . It was hot during the day and the empty city baked . But after a few days , he went out and found another perch and lit another fire . Four zombies came to that fire , despite the fact it was smaller than his first two . They had all been women . He still had his picture of the toothy blonde from the loft , and after masturbating , he looked out at the zombie women , blank - white eyes and indifferent bodies , and wondered if the toothy blonde had been evacuated or if she might show up at one of his fires . None of the women at the fire appeared to be her , although it wasn 't always easy to tell . One was clearly wearing the remnants of office clothes , but the other three were blue jean types and all four had such rat 's nests of hair that he wasn 't sure if their hair was short or long . A couple of times he encountered zombies while scavenging . Both times his Molotov cocktails worked , catching fire . He didn 't set the zombies on fire , just threw the bottle so that the fire was between him and the zombie . He watched them stop , then he backed away , fast . He set up another blind in an apartment and , over the course of a week , built a scaffolding and a kind of block and tackle arrangement . Then he started hanging around where the bus dropped people off , far enough back that the guys patrolling the gate didn 't start shooting or something . He 'd scoured up some bottles of water and used them to shave and clean up a bit . When they dropped a new guy off , Cahill trailed him for half a day , and then called out and introduced himself . The new guy was an Aryan Nation asshole named Jordan Schmidtzinsky who was distrustful , but willing to be led back to Cahill 's blind . He wouldn 't get drunk , though , and in the end , Cahill had to brain him with a pipe . Still , it was easier to tape up the unconscious Schmidtzinsky than it had been the conscious LaJon . Cahill hoisted him into the air , put a chair underneath him so a zombie could reach him , and then set the fire . Zombies did not look up . Schmidtzinsky dangled above the zombies for two whole days . Sometime in there he died . They left without ever noticing him . Cahill cut him down and lit another fire and discovered that zombies were willing to eat the dead , although they had to practically fall over the body to find it . Cahill changed his rig so he could lower the bait . The third guy was almost Cahill 's undoing . Cahill let him wander for two days in the early autumn chill before appearing and offering to help . This guy , a black city kid from Nashville who for some reason wouldn 't say his name , evidently didn 't like the scaffolding outside . He wouldn 't take any of Cahill 's whiskey , and as when Cahill pretended to sleep , the guy made the first move . Cahill was lucky not to get killed , managing again to brain the guy with his pipe . He was white - eyed like the other zombies , but still recognizable . It made Cahill feel even more that the toothy blonde might be out there , unlikely as that actually was . Cahill watched for a couple of hours before he lowered Nashville . The semiconscious Nashville started thrashing and making weird coughing choking noises as soon as Cahill pulled on the rope , but the zombies were oblivious . Cahill was gratified to see that once the semiconscious Nashville got about so his shoes were about four feet above the ground , three of four zombies around the fire ( the ones for whom the fire was not between them and Nashville ) turned as one and swarmed up the chair . Cahill entertained himself with thoughts of the toothy blonde and then dozed . The air was crisp , but Cahill was warm in an overcoat . The fire smelled good . He was going to have to think about how he was going to get through the winter without a fire - unless he could figure out a way to keep a fire going well above the street and above zombie attention but right now things were going okay . He 'd never seen that before . Jesus , did that mean it was aware ? That it might come upstairs ? He had his length of pipe in one hand and a Molotov in the other . The zombies were all still . A long five minutes later , the zombie did it again , a quick , birdlike head bob . Then , bob - bob , twice more , and on the second bob , the other two that had fed did it too . They were still standing there , faces turned just slightly different directions as if they were unaware of each other , but he had seen it . Every couple of minutes they 'd do it again . It was - communal . Animal - like . They did it for a couple of hours and then they stopped . The one on the other side of the fire never did it at all . The fire burned low enough that the fourth one came over and worked on the remnants of the corpse and the first three just stood there . When they came to evacuate him , Cahill thought at first it was another air strike operation - a mopping up . He 'd been sick for a few days , throwing up , something he ate , he figured . He was scavenging in a looted drug store , hoping for something to take - although everything was gone or ruined - when he heard the patrol coming . They weren 't loud , but in the silent city noise was exaggerated . He had looked out of the shop , seen the patrol of soldiers and tried to hide in the dark ruins of the pharmacy . Cahill weighed his options . He was fucked either way . He tried to go out the back of the pharmacy , but they had already sent someone around and he was met by two scared nineteen - year - olds with guns . He figured the writing was on the wall and put his hands up . But the weird twist was that they were evacuating him . There 'd been some big government scandal . The Supreme Court had closed the reserves , the President had been impeached , elections were coming . He wouldn 't find that out for days . What he found out right then was that they hustled him back to the gate and he walked out past rows of soldiers into a wall of noise and light . Television cameras showed him lost and blinking in the glare . It was overwhelming . They all called out at the same time , and it was mostly just noise to him , but if he could understand a question , he tried to answer it . " How 's it feel to be out of there ? " " What was it like ? " Cahill said . Dumbshit question . What was he supposed to say to that ? But his response had had the marvelous effect of quieting them for a moment which allowed him to maybe get his bearings a little . " It wasn 't so bad . " He had an answer for that , one he didn 't even know was in him . He would repeat it in the interview he gave to the Today Show and again in the interview for 20 / 20 . " Cleveland was better than prison , " he said . " No alliances , no gangs , just zombies . " Why not indeed ? " Because , " he said , slowly , and the silence came down , except for the clicking of cameras and the hum of the news vans idling , " because they 're just … like animals . They 're just doing what 's in their nature to be doing . " He shrugged . Then the barrage started again . Gerrold ! Gerrold ! Do you think people are evil ? But by then he was on his way to a military trailer , an examination by an army doctor , a cup of hot coffee and a meal and a long hot shower . Behind him the city was dark . At the moment , it felt cold behind him , but safe , too , in its quiet . He didn 't really want to go back there . Not yet . He wished he 'd had time to set them one last fire before he 'd left . Sign Up for news and offers Make sure you don 't miss interesting happenings by joining our newsletter program . Subscribe |
It 's late and I need to get to bed . Okay it 's not really late but it is creeping up near midnight ( in two hours ) . I have an early flight tomorrow and will be leading a team through some strategic planning . I love strategic planning . When I was young , maybe 12 or so , my dad used to leave me at the Rollie The Mechanic 's house . We lived in a small town and everybody knew everybody . I went to school with Rollie 's kids and even though we weren 't in the same grade , we knew each other . After all , there we only about 200 of us in the whole school . It 's not hard to keep track . It wasn 't uncommon for us to have car problems . When we did - we 'd jump in the truck and head over to Rollie 's . When we would pull up , I 'd jump out and run inside to see if Melanie was home . Dad would head to the barn to ask Rollie a question . Some time later , usually around dinner , Rollie would come inside and ask if I was spending the night . I 'd say no , I was leaving with my dad . He 'd say that 's funny , he left a couple of hours ago . Then someone would call someone and pretty soon my dad would turn in the driveway of Rollie 's and cart me home . This happened more than once . By the third or fourth time , I said on the way over " Are you going to leave me ? " and he laughed . No , of course not ! he said and I jumped out and ran inside . Later when he got home Mom happened to ask him a question that reminded him that he had a second daughter . He was heading out the door to come back and pick me up when Rollie and I turned up our lane . " I 'll fix your car , " Rollie yelled out the truck window , " but I ain 't raising your kid ! " It was a little embarrassing . How can you forget me ? I asked over and over again - not without a few tears . " I lost track . " he said with a shrug and followed it with a hug . I forgave him but I never understood that ( and I never went back to Rollie 's with him ) . How can you lose track of a whole daughter ? It 's not like we were a litter of puppies or catholics , after all . There was only two of us ! How can you lose track when there is only two ? When The Hub and I first got married we used to keep a simple chart hanging on the refrigerator . The chart had our values on it - those things that we want to stand for , stand up for and can be counted on to defend . It also had a place where we could rate how well we lived that value each day . 5 meant we couldn 't have done better . 1 meant we probably should have stayed in bed . This is an exercise I 've done on and off for many years . It 's amazing the impact simply rating yourself each day can have . For example , one of my values is encouragement . If I was rating myself today on how well I lived that value , I 'd have to give myself a 2 , maybe a 3 . Not that I did anything that actively Discouraged people , but I didn 't really spend much of my energy today being an encouragement to others . Well just saying that and rating myself honestly will put that in the front of my mind tomorrow . I guarantee it . And tomorrow night , you can bet I 'll be putting a 4 or 5 in that slot . It is that DAILY awareness and intention that makes a difference . Anyway - I got sidetracked there - the BIGGEST impact that chart on the fridge had was not having to do with our values . Although that was really neat to see and talk about . The best was a single question at the bottom of the chart that said , " What is your contentment level today ? " and each of us would rate our day . No explanation . No judgment . Just rated on a scale of 1 - 10 what our contentment level was . It did wonders for us . Somehow just seeing that number every day keyed me in on how my husband was doing . Sometimes ( if the day rated at a 6 or so ) I would bring it up directly . Most times , I just adjusted . Here 's the thing , more often than not , I was surprised by his number . I would check it before I went to bed and I 'd see he 'd put an 7 there or maybe a 6 and here I thought he was having a 9 or 10 day . Or sometimes I 'd think , based on little cues I thought I was picking up , I 'd see a 4 or 5 and low and behold , there would be a big fat 8 on that chart . It wasn 't like we didn 't see each other all day . We woke up beside each other . We had breakfast together . At that time , we drove to work together , had lunch together , worked out together and drove home together . There was a lot of together going on and still I 'd often be wrong . Here we were , only two people , living two halves of the same life and just like that , we could lose track of each other . Then as quickly as that happens , I start mentally thinking of great interview questions . Mostly I do this because it is easier for me and let 's face it , I 'm highly distractible so I like to think about a lot of different things at one time . And , of course , I can 't just come up with the questions , I have to answer them too . " Would you rather be the sun or the moon ? " ( The moon , for sure ) " Why ? " ( Because the moon is so cool and so mysterious and the sun is such a show off ) . " What childhood belief do you wish you still held ? " ( The tooth fairy - that dame is so cool just traipsing around giving out money for old teeth . She 's so under the radar . No big holidays like the Easter bunny or St . Nick just showing up when you need her and giving you a little something for doing basically nothing . ) And " What person - other than your parents - do you most admire ? " I 'm not Catholic . I 've never been to a mass that I can recall and I never went to a catholic school . I never wore that cute little plaid skirt and knee socks and I never ate a wafer that turned into the body of Christ . So you may think it is odd that a nun would be a person I most admire . That is until you hear about her . I was 15 when my father died . If I woke up this morning and a pink pony wearing a tutu was serving me breakfast in bed I would have been no more surprised than I was by the death of my father . Even though he had cancer my whole long legged life and even though he 'd gone in and out ( and in and out ) of hospitals and even though I knew it was terminal and he was sick I never ever ever thought he would die . Dad 's don 't do that . But , of course , he did . And when he did someone tied a string around my heart and yanked up hard and fast and left an empty space inside of me with nothing but cold air blowing through . The moment he died , the very moment in time he went from present to past tense , from " my dad is funny " to " my dad was funny " I felt it . I knew it . I knew it . My mother , my sister and I were huddled in a private waiting room in the hospital . We 'd been down to see him just an hour or so earlier . He had lifted his arm and waved and smiled when I looked back as we left the room . And then an hour later - just like that - we were a family of three . Before anyone came to tell us , I knew it . My mom says she knew it too and I believe her because I can remember her sliding off the crappy couch we were sitting on and falling on her knees and praying . And I remember I blinked a thousand times watching her and I remember my sister dug her nails into my hand and I remember that 's where we were when a nun came in to tell us what we already somehow knew . That nun was not Sister Pat . Sister Pat comes later . I don 't know this nun 's name . I do know she was dressed in navy blue and had frizzy hair . I remember her soft face and her kind eyes . I remember she was short and sort of round and she looked just like you would want a nun to look . But she said awful things . " He 's gone . " " They worked hard to save him . " " I 'm so very sorry . " And , the worst of all , " You really should go see him now . " But I was 15 and doctors advised it was best for us to see him . The tubes are gone , they said . It 's best , they said . And a white coat led us down the hall . My mother . My sister . Me . The fuzzy haired nun in her squeaky shoes followed . I made it 2 inches inside the door . I saw him across the room . It 's amazing how much information the brain can take in in a spilt second . I saw the tubes were gone . They said that , I expected that . I saw his hair was messed up . No one told me that . I saw his mouth was open . No one said his mouth would be open . I saw he was dead . No one told me I 'd be able to see that . I saw all of this in an instant . And I ran . I didn 't know where I was going but I went as fast as I could down that hall away from that dead man . Hospitals are mazes and I was a trapped rat scurrying down a hall down another bursting through doors and finally collapsing in a bathroom against the wall . I wasn 't crying . I wasn 't screaming . I was sitting . And panting . And blinking a thousand times . I didn 't hear the door open and I didn 't hear her squeak toward me but the next thing I knew , the nun was kneeling in front of me . My eyelids were still strobe - lighting and I saw her mouth move and I saw her arms reach out and that 's when I punched her . It took me 12 years to tell anyone that story . Not the part about Dad dying - that part people knew - but I never told anyone I slugged a nun . I didn 't tell them how I swung more than once at her . How she flinched and grabbed at my hands in defense . I didn 't tell them how I screamed - with my mouth wide open and pushed and punched again and again . I didn 't tell how I felt more than one of those blows land and how I pushed her against the wall and ran out of that bathroom . Now fast forward 12 years and enter Sister Pat . I was working for a family doctor and Sister Pat was a patient of that physician . Sister Pat was 6 feet tall if she was an inch and nothing at all like Fuzzy Hair . Sister Pat was stern and direct and exactly what I 'd always pictured when someone said the nuns beat some kid 's knuckles with a ruler . Sister Pat was in occasionally and would always nod at me . And every time I saw her in the hospital she would nod to acknowledge me . Once . Chin down . Chin up . And each time she did that I just felt like she knew . She could see right through me . It must show on my face . I 'm a nun - puncher . So finally one day after she 'd seen the doctor and after I 'd checked her out and filed her insurance I pulled her aside . " Sister Pat ? " I asked , " May I ask you something ? " " Well , " I started and stopped and then like a rush of hot air the whole sorry story came tumbling out . How I was 15 and how I didn 't want to see my father like that and how I was missing my heart and how I punched that nice nun . Sister Pat listened to every word without changing her expression , without encouraging me to continue or begging me to stop . She just stood there . Stood there and listened . " So do you think , " I said after I 'd gotten the whole disaster out , " do you think she understood ? I mean , as a nun , do you think she understood that I didn 't mean it and I wasn 't angry at her and do you think I hurt her ? I mean , as a nun , do you think she understood ? " And Sister Pat - that stern , direct , nearly emotionless nun who was built like a oak tree and hadn 't broken expression once during my entire confession - reached out faster than I would have imagined she could move and gripped my clenched hands in hers and she squeezed . Hard . And she said , slowly , " My dear child , we consider that , " and she nodded as if to acknowledge all of it , all the screaming and punching and pain , " we consider that … a privilege . " She squeezed and nodded again . " A privilege . " And looked me dead in the eyes . Then she dropped my hands and left . She never mentioned it again and neither did I . She kept nodding at me in the halls of the hospital and when she visited the doctor . Chin down . Chin up . Nothing more than that . And I would smile back . " We consider that a privilege . " 5 words . 5 words that did more than absolve me of my guilt . They taught me about grace and compassion and the nature of God . I will never forget those words , or the woman who spoke them . Posted at 04 : 39 PM in Father Lessons , Maturity , Suffering | Permalink When I was young my father was sick . Not all the time and not always horribly so but there were occasions when he would get very sick . Having cancer will do that to you . I don 't remember the specifics of many of these times , just a vague recollection of being somewhere in the home and Daddy being somewhere else in the home and being sick . When I do remember specifics , they range from very warm and happy memories , - making my dad plain spaghetti with a huge pad of butter on top and settling down to watch F - troop on a black and white TV with him . - to very awful and scary memories of him being so sick . So very sick . And well , I just don 't feel like giving you the examples of those moments but if you 've ever had one of those dreams where you try and try to scream and nothing comes out then you understand the feeling and the awfulness of being 10 or 11 or 15 and having your father ( and your whole world ) near death . And we 'll leave it at that . Somewhere in the middle between F - troop and the Screaming Dreams there lies vague memories of chemo and maybe radiation and the results of those two things . I hear nowadays they have anti - nausea medication for people undergoing chemotherapy . I hear it is a wonderful advancement . I 'm sure there are times when the medication doesn 't work . I 'm sure there are many , many who wish it worked better . I 'm sure if I had a time machine and a wheel barrow I would take every bit of that medication back to the late 70 's with me . When you are a girl , there are quite a few things you worry about . Some boy lifting your skirt at school . Some girls telling your friends you are on your period . Some teacher asking you to " read that note aloud for the whole class . " And rightfully so , don 't you think ? I mean I hope The Kid has the same healthy fear of her underpants being seen as I did and protects them just as fiercely . But there is nothing , NOTHING as scary as hearing your father getting sick . Chemo isn 't easy on a person - even SuperDad - and the results would often end up in the toilet . My father wasn 't a small man - in size or in character - and when he would have to tear from his bed to the toilet to empty his already emptied stomach the whole house would shake . And then came the retching . As I type this out , this very moment , some 27 years later , tears are trying to drown my eyeballs . My chest has gotten tight and I 'm actually clenching my jaw so tight it feels like I 've been chewing on shoe leather . That sound … that sound of my father being brought to his knees , it is the worst sound I carry in my memory . And here is the most incredible part of it all - my mother would be right beside him . Sometimes he would tell her to leave , to get out , to not hover … because well , I guess Superman doesn 't want to be seen with Kryptonite … but she wouldn 't go far - if she went at all . And through the retching and the bile and the weakness and the stink , my mother was there . I never saw her leave the room . I could hear them through the walls - him with the sickness and her with the support and this is the way it was . I always marveled at that . As much as I loved my father , I couldn 't imagine standing there , being there , watching that . But she did . And I bet if you asked her , she would say she did it without thought or planning . She simply did what needed to be done . There has always been a part of me that wondered if I could be that strong . Could I get in the filth with and for another person ? Would I be willing to do what it takes , to do what needs to be done simply because it needs to be done ? Monday I took The Kid to the airport . She 's flying back to NJ for a while and these moments at the airport together are always the most precious and the most dreaded . It 's when we say goodbye . We always go early because I love sitting at the gate with her . Those moments are the best - we talk about what we did and what we will do and we tell each other we are the best - the best step - Kid and the best step - mom . We talk about the plane trip and about the snacks packed in her bag . We take pictures . We try to guess who she 'll be sitting next to and we wonder how many naps she 'll take on the plane . We put on chapstick and wash our hands with purell and inevitably we both cry - but that 's okay . We tell each other that 's okay and we set a time limit . " Let 's be sad for 60 seconds , " I 'll say , " then we 'll think about all the things that make us happy . " And it helps . It really helps . But before we can get to the gate , we always have to make a pitstop . So together on Tuesday , we went into the bathroom . She went in one stall . I went in the one beside her . I was trying to hurry because I don 't want her finishing and standing alone even though I pee bent over so I can see her shoes the whole time . In my haste I put her boarding pass and paperwork on the shelf behind the toilet . And I know what you are thinking … you 're thinking I left it there . I did not . I stood , turned to get it , drug the paperwork across the shelf and in an instant , my driver 's license - the very one I was going to need to pass through security with my " unaccompanied minor " and sit at the gate with her - fell into the toilet . More desperate than that , it was an autoflush . And it had started autoflushing . Which meant my license was heading down the hole . It 's amazing how fast your mind works . In a blink I remembered that , autoflushers being somewhat unreliable , it was not a clean bowl when I entered and although I most often remedy that with a pre - pee flush , I had not this time because I was in the race to beat The Fastest Pee - er in the MidWest in the stall next to me . In that same moment I realized there would be no way security would let me enter the gate area without my license and my final moments with The Kid would be spent staring and waving through the glass wall that would separate us . And I think that 's why the moment I saw that piece of plastic with my picture and weight from high school fall , I plunged my hand into that bowl , down the hole and somehow caught that license between my two fingers . I did it . I actually did it . I put my pristine hand in that dirty bowl . The very moment it happened I thought of my mom and I thought , " I guess I have a little bit of that Mom strength in me after all ! " and even then and there , during my hand - swirly I felt warm and proud . Proud of myself . Proud of what I could do , if I had to . I clamped my fingers together . The toilet finished flushing . I still had the lThe glow , however , was short - lived . My hand was stuck . My hand was stuck in the hole in the bowl . The next few minutes were a flurry of desperation . Yelling to The Kid to stay put , trying to wedge around and unhook the door , pulling like a bear caught in a trap at my hand being swallowed by a porcelain piranha . Eventually - and not without some pain - I yanked myself free - still alive and still able to legally drive . The Kid and I sat at the gate together . We talked and cried and took pictures . We did what we do and eventually the flight attendant loaded her on the plane . With her bag , with her snacks , without me . I left about 45 minutes later with tears in my eyes , a small but well - earned bruise on my knuckle and , thanks to my mom , my driver 's license in my pocket . It was one of those spontaneous trips . It was one of those - " hey let 's for no reason go somewhere ! " trips that turns into " hey let 's for no good reason kennel the dogs for 3 days and gas up the car and pack a bunch of stuff that will be inappropriate for the weather and drive after working all day only to have the car breakdown halfway there and have to call a tow truck to tow the car to a dealership and have to get a loner car and then continue the trip only to be told the car won 't be looked at until Monday so hey now drive all the way back home and come back next weekend " trips . You know what I 'm talking about , right ? You 've had that happen to you , right ? I grew up in Indiana - well , I don 't know about that - but I aged from birth to 28 there . I know that for sure . I left Indiana a handful of years ago when I divorced my then husband and moved in with my sister who was living in Detroit ( well , outside of Detroit - no one actually lives in Detroit , do they ? ) . I 've been back a few times since but this was the first time I took The Husband . So in one short day - he got the grand tour . I really can 't explain how many memories came flooding back . I can 't describe all the feelings that went through me as we drove through the small town where I grew up and walked the halls of the high school and drove down Main Street . I told story after story after story as we drove and for every story I told , The Husband took a picture . It was so different seeing it through the eyes of Who I Am today rather than Who I Was when I left . I must of told 20 stories as we drove through town . When we got to the end of Main Street I stopped the car and stared at the little white house that sat there . I don 't know who lives there now . It looked good . It was smaller than I remembered , but that was to be expected . I thought there was a porch on the front and I didn 't see a porch now but most everything else looked the same . I stared and stared . Not because this used to be my house , it didn 't . This was Matty 's house . Matty was a boy I knew when I was a girl . Matty was a year older than I was . He lived with his grandmother and maybe his mother too - I just can 't recall - but I do recall every other thing about him . He was tall . Matty could do almost anything and his scrawniness didn 't keep him from being on the football , basketball and track teams . Matty was a lot of things . And Matty rode his bike out to our house sometimes . Not many boys came around those days - and not just because my sister and I had cooties - but because it wasn 't really cool . I mean what boy wants to come out to the house if they have to meet your dad ? What boy wants to go through that ? What boy wants to sit on Mr . Beecher 's couch and be asked " Hey , do you think my daughter is a fox ? " He 'd actually do that , you know . He 'd ask boys that . Either because he thought he was cool or because he wanted us to die right there on the spot . Not sure which . But yes , my father would do that . So it was a little surprising to me and my sister both when Matty showed up with his friend Jeff one Saturday . We . of course , were properly mortified since we were in work clothes and smelled ( and probably looked ) like horse shit . After all , they were boys . When the initial shock had worn off that these two boys had ridden their bikes the 5 or so miles out to our house just to see us , I think we both thought we 'd be allowed to clean up and , I don 't know , visit with them I guess . Perhaps we 'd seen a bit too much Little House on the Prairie but I think we thought we 'd introduce them to Pa , i mean Dad , we 'd have a nice visit , maybe some lemonade , and then they 'd be on their way . We introduced them . And Dad made them build a fence . I can remember my sister trying to talk him out of it , " Dad . . . um , the boys probably didn 't come out here for that . . . " But it was no good . The boys were being put to work . My sister and I were used to hard work . We worked every weekend with my father on the farm . We built feed troughs and repaired barn doors , we put in fence posts and cleaned stalls , we dug trenches and buried dead things . We worked hard . We worked alongside . But on this day , we were forgotten . " Jeff , hand me that hammer , " It seemed like we weren 't needed anymore . And I guess that made sense . My dad was probably sick of working with us . We , after all , usually had to be told what tool was which and to stop turning cartwheels and find the clamp . I 'm sure it was better working with Matty and Jeff . After all , they were boys . They worked together for hours . It was hot and muggy out . It was smelly , dirty work . It was hard work . Surprisingly , they didn 't really seem to care . Everything my dad asked them to do , they did . They got so sweaty and muddy . They stepped in horse manure and didn 't even scream . They messed up their hair and their clothes but they didn 't mind . They were boys . In the late afternoon , my father stood up and stretched his back and said , " Well , boys , that was a pretty good job . Now here is what is going to happen . I 'm going to go inside . I 'm going to change my boots , grab my keys and drive to the Twin Kiss . If you can beat me there , I 'll buy you both a milkshake . " The Thought wasn 't even completely formed in my head before I saw two boys running toward their bikes , jumping on and peddling like wild down our lane toward town . I told The Husband this story as we were driving past Matty 's house . I told him how they peddled SO HARD ! I told him how I was surprised when I watched my father dilly dally inside the house . How he took his sweet time getting his boots changed and how he meandered into town . I told him how he drove so s l o w l y until we got within view of the Twin Kiss and then he barreled into the parking lot at top speed jumped out and shook his head at two grinning boys , " You JUST beat me ! " he said . I 've thought about that day a hundred times since it happened . I 've felt all warm inside a few times thinking about my dad buying those boys milkshakes . I 've smiled recalling how they came back the next weekend to work some more . But it wasn 't until this past weekend , sitting outside Matty 's house that I got it . They were boys . They weren 't men . They weren 't secure and all - knowing and confident . They weren 't perfect and they didn 't know what they were doing and they weren 't so sure of them selves . They were boys . The Husband asked me about their fathers . I couldn 't remember about Jeff 's dad - I didn 't remember ever knowing anything about him but I remembered that Matty 's father wasn 't in the picture . I believe he passed away when Matty was little . " Neither of them really had dads , " I said and stopped short . I 've always thought I knew what my dad was doing but it wasn 't until that moment that it all hit me . That 's when , all these years later , I realized why those boys kept coming back to the farm weekend after weekend . It wasn 't for the girls , it was for the father . Steve and I are going to start giving the kid an allowance . We 're thinking about 5 dollars a week which seems like the right amount . I 'm not sure why , but it seems good . I 'm excited about it - I like the idea of teaching her about money . I like that she 'll be able to spend it on whatever she wants and learn how fast it can go . I like the idea of continuing a legacy . I got an allowance growing up . I don 't remember how much it was . I do remember that my sister and I got different amounts - she 's older ; she got more . I never really agreed with that , as you can imagine , but I wasn 't going to argue . I learned early you don 't look an allowance horse in the mouth . I also remember that whenever my dad got a raise at work , we got a raise in our allowance . Which looking back on now , I think is really cool . I 'm sure there was a lesson tied to that somehow . I can specifically remember one time dad told us - during family dinner - that he had gotten a raise at work and therefore , we 'd be getting an increase as well ! My sister 's allowance was going from X to X + and mine was going from Y to Y + ! As you can imagine , there was much happiness at the dinner table . Until . Later I replayed the announcement and realized that while I was getting a 25 cent or so raise , my sister - who was ALREADY richer than I - was getting a 35 cent or so raise . This was upsetting to say the least . And in my mind , entirely unfair . I knew my father well enough at that young age to know there was a right way and a wrong way to approach this . Approach it the wrong way and I would appear ungrateful , spoiled , and I would lose the raise all together . But ! Approach it the right way and he would be understanding and sympathetic . Approach it the right way and he would realize his error and the gross injustice that had occurred . This could go either way . It was all in my hands . Through a series of glub glubs I explained my situation . He listened closely then got up and went to his open briefcase . He came back with a ( humongous ) calculator . He then proceeded to show me that although my sister technically got more money I got a higher percentage of a raise . " See that ? " he asked showing me a point something something on the calculator . " You actually got a BIGGER raise than she did ! " He said this with a smile . He even sort of dropped his voice a little like we were in ca - hoots and getting away with something . " How about that ! " See , my father was a salesman . And all good salesmen know how to turn a situation around to make it look like it is in your best interest . He knew me having a bigger raise than my big sister would appeal to me . He knew the idea of he and I having a secret would appeal to me . He knew that I was often razzle - dazzled by a calculator . And I have to admit , it was a good try . However , he forgot something very important . Never underestimate your audience . " But Daddy , " I said , having dried the tears by this time and pointing to the calculator , " I can 't take that number to the store and buy more candy with it . " I got my extra 10 cents . I had another great breakfast yesterday . This was my first meeting with this person and so we were getting to know about each other and our companies . We got in an interesting discussion about life and the purpose of living . I know , heavy stuff for oatmeal and eggs . When I asked him what his life purpose was , he didn 't scrunch up his face and ask me what I meant . He didn 't blow me off or try to change the subject like most people do . Clearly , he had given thought to this before . I liked that . He then told me his life purpose was rooted in his faith . He told me how strongly he felt about it . It was something pretty simple . I think it was to make the world better . My own life purpose , or mission statement , as many of you know , is to help people and companies get better . Help them become who they are meant to be . I told him this . I wanted to say - well geez , you want to make the WORLD better . At least I 'm not after the trees and such . At least I 've limited my life purpose to people ! We continued our discussion . It was a great one . I found him to be truthful and direct . After a few more minutes I realized he 's the kind of man who I could be truthful and direct with . I actually could have said " at least I 've limited my life purpose to people ! " to him . He would have laughed at that . That 's so refreshing . I found myself asking him if he believed you have to create opportunities to make the world better or do those opportunities find you . I think he said both . He told me a story about creating opportunities for yourself . I told him a story or two about God knows what . But I kept thinking about this idea of opportunities finding you . And then I realized I had stumbled upon another Father Lesson . I was about 10 years old , I think . My dad and I were at Sears buying paint . I was standing on the bottom metal shelf - in spite of being told not to . Dad was leaning over looking at the gallons of white paint . I began to dance around . Dad picked out some paint , put it back , picked out some other . Then a lot of things happened at once . There was a crash . Dad spun around and looked at me . I was still standing on the shelf . I , for once , had not caused the commotion . He started towards me and I thought I was going to get creamed . I probably started the excuses . But he quickly passed by me . I spun around and saw him kneeling by a man on the floor . I know now that the man was having a seizure . Then I only knew what I saw . He was shaking , he was spitting up , he had wet his pants . My father knelt down and shoved his jacket between the man 's flailing head and the floor . I saw him turn his head to the side . He didn 't restrain him but he wrapped his arms around the man 's head and held onto his shoulders . The man kept shaking . My father held on . The man 's feet were kicking . They were kicking hard . Some other people started to come around . The man 's arms were thrashing around . There was more stuff coming out of his mouth . My dad was kneeling in urine . I don 't know how long the seizure lasted . Pretty soon the man seemed to lock up , go stiff . When the whirling about stopped , people snapped out of their shock a little bit and sprang into action . Someone had called the store manager . The store manager said he had called the paramedics . The man started to relax . He blinked his eyes . I can still remember that . He blinked fast . One two three four times . Then he looked at my father . Then he saw him . On the way home Dad explained to me what had happened . He was very direct and honest . He answered my questions . We talked a long time about it . That afternoon I asked my dad if the man would have died if we hadn 't been there . I think I wanted to make the story even more dramatic . I think I wanted to be able to retell it to my friends and paint my dad as a hero . " He SAVED his LIFE ! " I would say . And they would all want to hear the story again and again . " Oh no , he wouldn 't have died . Someone would have helped him . " I 'm sure my heart sank . Bummer . I wanted my dad to be a hero . And then he said this : " But I 'm sure glad we were there . That was a real privilege getting to help him out , huh ? We sure did learn a lot . " I went to meet friends for lunch today . The girl that greeted me at the restaurant was about as big around as my finger . Lovely and fair . I felt like a whale . An unattractive whale at that . As we sat and ate , I noticed what a good listener Brad is . He makes eye contact with you when you talk . He feeds back information as the conversation progresses . He laughs in all the right places . I wished I could be better at that . I called my mom on the way home . We talked about getting old and not letting your world get small . I told her sometimes she bugs me . She was totally non - defensive and open . She asked for my help . Isn 't that amazing ? I 'm never like that . That 's three examples , just in the last 3 hours of times when I wished I was like someone else . I want to be more like her , less like me . More like him , less like me . More like him and her and her too , and less - oh so much less - like me . We all want to be better . We all should strive to be better . But wanting to be like someone else . There 's a problem with that . A long time ago , my dad and I built a railing around our porch . I was 11 . He was ambitious . No big deal , just needed to cut about a million 1 x 1 posts , nail them to a horizontal piece - top and bottom - and put the whole thing up . You know what kind of railing I mean , right ? The kind that looks like a ladder on its side . The kind that has to be level and the bottom and level at the top . The kind that has to be built precisely the right size to fit into the space for it . Ok , we 're clear . We measured the first vertical post and cut it . Then measured the second , cut it . And then third . Somewhere along the way , we stopped measuring each post . Instead , we used the one before it to measure and cut the next one . And so on , and so on . That way , we didn 't have to pull out the tape measure each time . Smart huh ? Around noon we had cut all the vertical posts and set about nailing them to the horizontal pieces . That 's when we noticed a problem . There seemed to be a slant in our project - and it was growing . This railing was a lot of things , but level wasn 't one of them . When we popped it apart to investigate and held up the last vertical post against the first , there was a noticeable difference in length . In fact , each post was just slightly longer than the one before it . And the longer we went measuring against the one before , the more off we became . Measuring against the one next to it wasn 't such a good idea after all . We should have been measuring against the yardstick . What are you measuring yourself against ? The one next to you ? Maybe that 's not a good idea for you either . Comparing yourself to those around you isn 't going to give you an accurate picture of who you are . Sure , that person may have a kick - ass voice , but they can 't make a chocolate cake like I can . And maybe that friend of mine is a better writer than I am , but he can 't see the good in people the way I can . And let 's face it ; I 'm never going to be as thin as that girl at the restaurant . But put us in a dance contest , and I 'll win every time . When we measure ourselves against others - especially against just one good thing in someone else - we aren 't getting true dimensions . The bottom line ? You are supposed to be you - a unique combination of strengths and talents and experiences . No one else can be you . Your job is to be who you are meant to be . Figure THAT out and let that be the yardstick against which you measure . The railing is still up at that old farmhouse , by the way . We had to redo it to get it right . We wasted a lot of wood and a lot of time . I 'm not going to waste the lesson . I referred to the concept of sweet water and vinegar it in my last post . It 's what I call a Father Lesson . I have many of them . The first being the business lesson involving the lemonade stand . You remember that story , right ? My father taught me a lot of things . Most of them were annoying . I 'm now going to teach them to you . You will also find them annoying . That 's the way it works . It doesn 't mean they aren 't useful and sometimes even profound . But they are annoying . Sure enough . If you are carrying a bucket of vinegar and someone bumps you , what pours out ? Right ! Vinegar . ( You 're doing great , by the way ) . Now , if you are carrying a bucket of sweet , cool water and someone bumps you , what comes out ? ( All together now ) Sweet , cool water . Exactly . Now here 's the lesson : The bump is immaterial . The bump has NO impact on what comes out . It 's all about what you 're carrying around . I 'll let that sink in for a minute . The bump has no impact on what comes out . It 's all about what you are carrying around . See what I mean about profound AND annoying ? BUT if you are full of kindness , compassion , positivity and empathy and things don 't go as planned what happens ? If I were my father , I would beat the point into you . Make you repeat it . Help you recall the last few times you got bumped and helped you realize that what poured out of you was under your control and had nothing to do with the bump . I 'm not my father . I rely on my husband to keep me up to date on important events . He gets up before I do in the morning and makes a quick tour of the important stations - you know ESPN and VH1 . Then , while we 're eating our oatmeal and eggs , he lets me know any vital info for the day . I don 't know which station he got the information from yesterday , but there it was . Johnny Carson died . I 'm not one to eulogize people I don 't know . And I 'm surprised how strongly I feel about this . I stopped mid - bite and felt sort of a dull thud in my chest when he said those words . I had to question why . Why would I feel grief , even slightly , over someone I didn 't know ? Why would I feel something akin to missing someone I haven 't even heard about in months , maybe years ? Why , in short , do I care about Johnny Carson ? My father died when I was 15 . My father was sick on and off my entire life . He was a man of great dreams and great wisdom . He was strong in heart and spirit if not always in body . He was a practical joker , a phenomenal salesman and a loving husband to my mom . He was the only father who ever came to visit my kindergarten class - and he stayed for lunch . I have lots of memories of my father . My favorites are the ones when he is laughing . Not the small courtesy laugh that a lot of us do . Not the warm , deep chuckle that I could hear across the movie theater when I was too old to sit near my parents at the cinema . My favorite laugh was the full - on , full - belly , red face crinkled up laugh . It was a giggle that would explode into laughter . It was a series of waves that would grow and grow until it crashed down on us . I loved that laugh . And I love anyone and anything that brought it out in my father . Science says that laughter is good for you . Most doctors now agree that humor and happiness can aid in healing . Time magazine recently published an article about it going as far as saying laughter can help you live longer . So , thank you , Johnny Carson . Thank you for any and every time you coaxed that laugh out of my father . Thank you for any fleeting moment you added to my father 's life . Thank you from the daughter who misses him and that laugh . Still . " I 'm going to start a business . " I was 10 . Maybe 12 . I made my announcement to a very receptive audience , Cathy Bayer , my neighbor who was also 10 and bored . We were sitting on the floor of my living room in front of a box fan . " Great ! " she said , " I 'll get the card table . " And we were off . We grabbed paper cups , poster board , Kool - aid and other items needed to start our business . It doesn 't take a lot of time to set up a lemonade stand and before long , we were open for business in the corner of my yard . My yard because my house was on a corner lot and we were able to access traffic from both Grey Road and John Street . Brilliant . As I recall , we did pretty well . The conditions were perfect - it was hot and we both had pigtails . Pretty irresistible combination . Around 5 : 00 I recognized my dad 's Buick coming up the street . He honked and waved as he slowed to turn in the driveway . This was as good of a time as any to close up shop so we rushed to collect our stuff and count our money . We ran in the house screeching " THREE DOLLARS AND TEN CENTS ! WE MADE THREE DOLLARS AND TEN CENTS ! THAT ' S A DOLLAR AND FIFTY - FIVE CENTS EACH ! " My father , always eager to teach a lesson , smiled , congratulated us and then asked where we got the Kool - aid . " Out of the cupboard . I pointed to the cabinet over the sink a bit confused . He knew where the Kool - aid was kept . " Uh huh . And the cups ? " " Same place . " By this time he had pulled his calculator out of his hard - sided briefcase and was tapping in numbers . " Card table , that 's mine , right ? " he asked , not looking up , " and let see , the rental on the yard space . . . I suppose I could give you a deal on that . . " and on he went tapping in numbers . " OK , girls , " he finally looked up , " looks like you each owe me $ 3 . 95 . " Cathy had already snuck out . Some partner she was . So I was left owing my dad about seven bucks . We worked out some sort of agreement that had something to do with cleaning the garage and as I recall , I think he let me off the hook and let me keep my share of the " profit " One thing I know for sure , that was my last lemonade stand . And that was my first lesson in the world of business : being in business for yourself is a lot harder than it looks . Posted at 01 : 32 PM in Father Lessons | Permalink |
Ally woke slowly , realizing she was completely relaxed for the first time in many years . The only thing that would make it better was Michael , holding her again . Now that it had happened she couldn 't stop imagining it happening again . She shook her head and pulled the plug on the tub before getting out . She saw the robe he 'd left for her and after she had squeezed out most of the water from her long auburn locks she pulled the robe on and tied it . It was much too big for her and the front hung open slightly revealing some of her cleavage so she held it closed with one of her hands . She dropped her clothes by the washing machine and went upstairs to change . She smelled the food and went looking for Michael first , to check on him . She had forgotten to hook the fluids back up and it needed to be done . Ally found him in the recliner by the fireplace relaxing , waiting for her . " Hey , " she said quietly as she took a seat on the small couch and curled her legs under her to the side , " did you cook , it smells good . " Michael smiled at Ally when she walked past him ; the bath seemed to have done been very good for her . Her wet hair framed her face nicely and her cheeks were a nice rosy color . He looked back down at the laptop and opened Google Earth . He saw the flash of her robe and glanced up as she walked up the open stairway and got view of her legs and thighs . She was beautiful , but he had to put that out of his mind ! He turned his attention back to the computer and pulled up the lay of the land around the cabin . Michael found the path that he had seen earlier and traced it through some dense undergrowth and boulders to the fiery landing . But that route would put them at the mercy of someone else at the helm and on a set schedule . This route would definitely be their last resort . Michael brought the mouse back to the cabin and used the program to map out two escape routes by boat . One took them 14 miles inland to where the forge ended . They would then have to travel through Sweden to get to other countries . The final route would take them down the coast 30 miles and then across 30 miles open - water to Denmark . It was the riskiest , but gave them more options once they reached land . Ally and he would need to run into Lysekil tomorrow to go to the bank to withdrawal some cash to repay Sven , buy a small speed boat and stock it with supplies . Michael stop by a car rental place and make arrangements to have rental car on standby at all his endpoints . He closed the laptop , just as Ally came down the stairs . As she walked past him , he could smell the scent of her bath salts and shampoo . Michael closed his eyes and took a deep breath in . Ally 's sweet whisper forced him to open his eyes . " Hello . " He watched her slide onto the couch . He smiled back at her . " Yes , I made a hash , so the longer it cooks , the better it will be . We don 't need to eat right away , if you would rather just sit here awhile , Ally . " He couldn 't help but stare into her eyes as he waited for her response . She pulled her hair around over her shoulder and started picking through the ends with her fingers , she was lost in her thoughts . She wanted to ask him so many questions but she didn 't want to overwhelm him . The shirt he was wearing was open over his torso . She wondered if he had left it that way on purpose or if he was having trouble with his coordination . They sat in a comfortable silence for a little while , Ally was still feeling tired but she needed to stay up until the sun went down . She was trying to keep herself on a regular schedule . She broke the silence first , " Elise will be back soon , I should get you hooked up again . " Ally rose from her seat and went to the bedroom , she pulled out some clothes for herself ; black yoga pants , a heather grey v neck t shirt , and clean undergarments . She tied the robe around her small waist tighter but it wouldn 't stay as closed as she wanted it to , she was still very skinny . She sighed in absent frustration but let it go as she picked up the IV bag and the attachment . " Come sit down , it will only take a second , " she assured Michael . Michael watched Ally playing with her hair for a while and thought of all the questions he wanted to ask her to see if he could figure out who had captured her and sold her . Knowing your enemy was something that he had learned as a SEAL . But those questions might set her back and she was looking more alive now . He didn 't want to screw it up . " Oh , crap , I forgot to tell you , Elise called while you were in bathtub and said she had to stay in town tonight . She has to stay for a late case at the hospital and is going to stay at her apartment tonight . She 's going to come pick us up to run back into town tomorrow morning . You 're stuck with just me tonight . " It wasn 't till then that he noticed that she was still naked under her robe . He caught another glimpse of her young supple body when she got up to get dressed . He could take his eyes off of her hips as she walked away to get his IV tubing and another bag of normal saline . He looked down at the laptop again and typed in a familiar set of key strokes and found himself on a Gmail account and opened his in box . There were 26 unanswered emails from the same email address : CReynolds @ usarmy . gov ! He noted the screen name and shut the laptop for now because Ally was coming back down stairs and he really just wanted to keep the world at bay for just a bit longer . Michael pulled the pot of hash off the stove and placed it on the table along with two large glasses of the cold sweet cider . " We might as well eat a little while you play nurse for me , Ally . " He winked at her and sat down with his left arm resting on the table . He watched her clean the hub of his IV and start the fluid , counting the drips until the matched the rate Elsie had taught her they needed to be . She sat down across from him and served them both a portion of the hash . As they ate and talked , Michael tentatively stroked her arm with his left hand that rested next to hers on the small table . He loved the new look of life that was returning to her eyes . Could he really simply walk away from her like he had so many other clients after the mission was over ? He knew the more time they spent together , the more he wanted to say ' Fuck it and just disappear . ' Even with his limited memories , he knew this lifestyle had cost him so much of his life . Maybe , just maybe , it was time for him to stop and enjoy his own life . " You 're the best , Ally . I 'm really glad we finally got to spend some time together , alone . " He smiled and looked deep into her eyes . Ally didn 't feel nervous as she set about taking care of him , this had always been easy for her when he was knocked out but until now being so close to him and touching him this way had been painfully uncomfortable for her . She just concentrated on the task at hand . She considered his body as she straightened up and away from him after the IV was reconnected , she reached out and buttoned the first few buttons on his shirt . Her hands brushed his warm skin lightly as she did so before she pulled away . " I 'm sorry , " her voice was quiet . She knew she should have asked . She just turned away and sat in her chair on the other side of the table feeling awkward . She didn 't understand why he had this effect on her . At least she didn 't feel the overwhelming need to jerk away when his hand touched hers during dinner , much of her time was devoted to just listening to him . She felt out of place and when she tried to talk she just felt like she was stumbling through the conversation . She clearly lacked social skills , she didn 't understand " small talk " as he called it . He had laughed at the face she made when he tried to explain it . Ally thought being direct would be best , but this small talk made it seem like people wanted to talk about other insignificant things before getting to the real reason for a conversation . The concept just didn 't make any sense . She cleared the dishes after the meal and washed them quickly before putting them in the drying rack . Her ritual before going to bed was to sit outside on the porch swing as the last of the light retreated from the sky and enjoy being alive . Elise sometimes sat with her but it was mostly her alone time . Now , for some reason she didn 't know , she asked Michael if he wanted to join her . Ally was starting to like being close to him . " You don 't have to if you don 't want to , " she added , thinking maybe he was tired from his first day awake . Michael felt her warm hands against his abs as she buttoned his shirt , he shuddered just a little and she apologized . " No , it 's fine . I kept meaning to ask you to do that for me , but got distracted by the computer . " He took a drink of the cider . " This is some good stuff , don 't your think . I think it was made right here in town . Speaking of which , is there anything you want when we go into town tomorrow ? This weather is great , but I 'm not sure I 'd want to be here in the winter . What do you think ? " Ally looked distant and confused that someone would be talking to her this much . " Ally , has it been so long that you 've made small talk ? " She looked even more confused . " You know that useless conversation to fill in awkward silence ? " The look on her face made him laugh . We 'll work on it Ally . " He touched her hand with his and went back to eating . After dinner , while Ally did the dishes , Michael looked up and noticed the saline bag was near empty . " Okay , this is the last bag of this crap , I am going to take . I am taking this IV out while you work on the dishes . " He got some gauze and tape to pull the line out of the back of his hand . At first Ally was afraid that he would hurt himself when he took out the IV but she knew she couldn 't stop him . He was struggling with the band aid though . She didn 't even think about it , she just stepped in and took control . " Here , let me , " she said calmly as she put her thumb over the middle of the band aid and pressed against the puncture wound to stop the bleeding before securing the adhesive to his skin , " there . " She smiled weakly at him , not sure if she had done the right thing or not . She was still very reserved and her mind was too busy worrying about going to town tomorrow . It seemed frightening to her to be around all those people . What if someone tried to touch her or talk to her ? She took a breath and reminded herself that Michael would be there , and so would Elise . They wouldn 't let anyone near her if she didn 't want them to . As she turned away and started towards the living room she heard Michael say her full name and she was seized with a rush of feelings and emotions . Her last name , her father 's last name was music to her ears and at the same time pure agony . She leaned against the wall and put her face in her hands . She was transported back 7 years . Ally Reynolds was 18 . She was with her mother at a cafe on the street in Prague having a late dinner . They were in town visiting her father . He had an important job that he wasn 't allowed to talk about very much . He had been gone a long time , maybe a few months and she missed him . All she could remember was the sound of the van pulling up on the street and her beautiful mother screaming her name as two men in black yanked Ally away from the table and towards the van . It happened so fast . She was in the dark , crying and shaking and begging them to let her go . They put duct tape over her mouth and spoke in a rough language that she didn 't understand . They pushed her forward into a house making her keep her head down with the hood over it . She was lined up with some other girls ; their clothes cut off , shoes taken from them , slapped , and beaten into submiShe clutched her hands to her chest as if protecting her heart and was panting and shaking . " Michael , how . . . " she barely got the words out before she started to fall . Michael watched as she stopped and leaned against the wall . She looked like she was in pain , her face buried in her hands . He said her name , but Ally didn 't hear him . He got up and went to stand beside her , but didn 't touch her when he saw that she was having another flashback . He stood by her and waited . Ally 's eyes fluttered back open and she said his name before they rolled back in her head and her knees buckled . Michael scooped her into his right arm and pulled her over to the couch . Laying her down and propping her head on a pillow , he stroked her auburn hair back out of her face . " Ally , can you hear me ? Ally , I am here for you . " He went to the bathroom to get a cool washcloth to put on her head . Michael bent down beside her and wiped her forehead and watched her face . Ally came to after a couple of minutes . She was still frightened by her memories and she needed to feel secure , she reached for Michael and put her arms around his neck , burying her face against his collarbone . " Thank you for saving me , " she whispered , shaking like a leaf against his strong body , " don 't leave me Michael , please . " It took her several minutes to calm down and she didn 't want to let go but she knew she should . Once she relaxed her body started responding to him and she pulled away and got up to pace the room as she usually did when she was stressed . There were a lot of burning questions in her mind and they started tumbling out . She wanted to know if he had met her parents , what they were like , if she had a sister , where she was from , why they didn 't find her sooner . . . the questions just kept coming . She was almost frantic before she stopped moving because she was out of breath . Michael held tight against his chest and out of instinct , shifted her around so that she was his lap on the couch . Ally 's shaking was worse than in the shed earlier . " I 'm not going anywhere , Ally . I am right her for you ! " He stroked her hair to help calm her down , while lightly caressing her in his lap . " It 's all going to be okay , Ally . " He felt her body yield to his once more and melt into his lap . He felt her warmth against his lap and her breathing changed . Suddenly she stiffened back up and lept from his lap . Michael noticed the her eyes were back to the glassy gaze darting about the room as she paced back and forth spouting pent up questions . He stood up and looked down into her questioning face . " You don 't need to apologize to me and we 'll figure it out together . But let 's get you a drink of water and head outside like we planned to earlier . I 'll tell you what I know so far and when I remember more , I 'll tell you right away . " Michael led her to the sink and got her a large glass of water and then out the door into the fresh night air . He helped her sit down on the swing and then sat down with his arm around her . " Ally , I know they have been looking for you non - stop since you disappeared . You father used his military connections to put facial recognition software to use all around the world . It was only after the funeral that they held of you , that they got a hit on a small airport in Ireland and called me . I remember flying there and seeing your face on camera for the first time . Ally they had you dressed up in a burqa to get you through the airport undetected , but a large gust of wind blew yours off just long enough to be captured on video . I interviewed the guard at the airport , but you getting into a limo is the last thing I remember before waking up on the boat with you . " Michael look at her in the moonlight and continued . " Today I discovered that I have a sizable amount of cash in a Swiss Bank and there are a lot of emails from your father that I need to look at tomorrow . But to be honest , I am really tired and would love to go upstairs and go to bed , if you are better now . " He sat swinging on the porch and looked up into the beautiful starry night . Ally absorbed everything he said slowly . Her family had a funeral for her , they thought she was dead . There were many times over the years she had wished she was but now she was glad she wasn 't . She vaguely remembered the airport , she had been drugged and barely able to walk . The dark thin fabric that covered her face hid everything but her eyes . She didn 't remember the plane or the limo , just getting onto the yacht with him . She was his plaything and he tortured her and reminded her of it daily . He had a wife and children , but they didn 't know about Ally . He called her Tajna and she was his servant and slave on every business trip , vacation , or whenever he felt the need to beat someone into submission . His handsome dark features masked his evil heart . Ally could see in her mind how his lips would curl into a sneer every time he was about to strike her or use her for his pleasure . " My sweet Tajna , " he would taunt in his thick accent , " you 're getting too old for me . " He told her every day how she had stopped pleasing him the way she used to , so he started letting his friends use her and a man Ally thought might be his father . She was terrified one day he would simply strangle her , she belonged to him for almost three years . Ally shuddered and leaned into Michael 's warmth on the swing . " I 'm tired too , " she admitted . She wondered if she could speak to her father tomorrow . She wondered how long it would take to get back to America and see her family . She longed to be home finally , although she couldn 't remember where home was or even what her bedroom looked like . Ally stood slowly and started back in the house ahead of Michael , she was still lost in her own mind . Her eyes were clouded and her posture had changed . Thinking of her life over the last few years had a profound effect on her present state of mind . She felt smaller and powerless , even now Michael was making all the decisions for her , she shook her head knowing that he was taking care of her the best he could and he was not trying to control her . She still ffeistyphoenix Michael watched Ally retreat into her shell and knew it would take some time for her to process all the information that she had just received . He would have to give her the space she needed for a while . He knew that she would come back to him when she was ready , so he simply followed her back inside the cabin . He went into the bathroom to get ready for bed . Stretching his left shoulder our as best he could , his mobility was improving . Michael hated to admit it but the time that they had medically sedated him had done him a world of good . He put a pair of shorts on and took off his shirt before heading back into the bedroom . Ally was already in bed with her back to him . She was lying on the hip that had been bruised earlier ; she must have gotten better too . " Good night , Ally . " He said as he climbed into bed beside her and laid there facing her back . Michael was watching her breath , trying to gauge how she was doing . He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright , but could he ? They would be looking for them soon , whoever they were . He would have to press her for information tomorrow and identify them . Maybe there would be clues in her father 's emails . Tomorrow ! Ally 's nightmares had been steadily increasing in frequency and intensity for the last two weeks . Most of the time she was startled awake and she would lay there next to Michael 's warm body until she calmed down enough to go back to sleep . Tonight was different ; all the events of the day had riled her emotions and her memories making for a very fitful night in her dreams . She felt like she was reliving every terrifying moment of her abduction over and over , the abuse , losing Janna … all of it came rushing back . She woke up in the wee hours of the morning , it was pitch black and for a moment she almost panicked before she realized where she was again . She got up quietly and got a drink of water from the kitchen before pacing the living room . She just couldn 't stop . All her pent up energy and frustration was expressing itself in her nervous pacing . Her hands traveled up her arms and held her shoulders while her fingers traced the familiar scars on her shoulder blades . Her back , butt , and the backs of her thighs were criss crossed with faded lines of varying thicknesses . She started to get tired and sat down at the small kitchen table . Elise had left a pad of paper there , Ally 's hands found it and a pencil nearby before she started sketching . Her hand almost moved of it 's own accord , drawing out long lines , shading things , and a quite impressive and detailed picture emerged . It was a design she had seen many times tattooed on forearms and engraved on golden rings her captors wore . All her anger went into the sharp lines and dark shading until she was so tired she couldn 't hold her head up anymore . Ally crept back into the bedroom quietly , noticing Michael was sound asleep . She slid lightly back into the bed next to him . She tried to go to sleep facing the wall but it evaded her as the bluish grey light of pre dawn started creeping in the window . Her body finally gave in and turned towards Michael 's warmth , the sleep reclaimed her and as she relaxed in her dreamless sleep her body wiggled down under thefeistyphoenix Michael felt her stir a few time in her sleep and woke briefly . He woke in the middle of the night to an empty bed . He saw the light under the door from downstairs and crept out of bed to the door . He peaked out of the door and saw Ally pacing in the living room , her fingers were tracing something on her shoulder , but he couldn 't see what it was from there . He considered going down and checking on her , but he knew she needed this time to work through this herself . He quietly closed the door and headed back to bed . Sleep returned and Michael found himself back in Wexford . He was sitting in the Ballast Bank Bar of the Talbot Hotel sipping on a freshly poured pint of Guinness . The bartender was lovely brunette with a wonderful accent . He smiled and asked her what the best Limo service was in town and if she had seen anyone meeting the woman in the photos here in the hotel . X3m was her recommendation for a limo and she did remember seeing a woman in a similar outfit being assisted through the lobby a yesterday evening at the beginning of her shift . Michael finished his pint and signed for the check to billed to his room , adding generous tip . He then asked her if she could remember anything unusual about her companion . She only remembered that they spoke with a thick Eastern European and that he wore a gold snake ring with a diamond eye . Michael thanked her again and doubled her tip . If you think of anything else , have the front desk call my room . Leave a message , if I 'm out . Michael went to the front desk and asked about upgrading to a suite , but was told that they were all occupied until tomorrow night . He thanked the gentleman behind the desk and returned to his room overlooking the River Slaney and the Wexford Quay . There were several yachts in the harbor , so he changed his clothes and went for a jog around the docks . Only one of the yachts had any kind of guards around it , so he jogged down towards them and the boat . He was stopped by a large man with black hair and thick eyebrows . He told him that this was a private slip and he was not allowed to be here . The man 's accent was from Bosnia and the tattoo on his arm identified him as part of the M - Falangen Mafia . Michael took note of the Yachts name : Luki 's Mora Zmiju . Michael returned to the hotel logged onto his computer and searched for ownership of the Sea Snake . He found limited information about ownership , but he did find the specs for that model of yacht and downloaded the blueprints . He slipped into his wet suit and grabbed is Draeger Co2 scrubber . After putting his sweats back on , he slipped out of the hotel with his fins concealed in backpack and headed to the water . Michael woke with Ally 's hand resting on his chest . She was curled up with her warm breath tickling his bare chest . He brushed the hair out of her eyes and watched slowly wake up . " Are feeling better , Ally ? I have to run into town today after I check my email . Do you want to come with me or stay here today , Ally ? " She felt his gentle touch first thing in the morning , and she didn 't pull away from him . It was hard to rouse herself ; she was still tired . Eventually her eyes opened , slowly at first and she blinked several times . She knew how close she was to Michael but it didn 't bother her quite as much as before , even with him only half clothed . She yawned and moved her hand from his chest to cover her mouth before rolling away and onto her back . The thin t shirt pulled tightly against her body , it had crept up to reveal her stomach but she hadn 't noticed . She wanted coffee , Elise had been making it every morning and before she got here Ally was sure she had it before but not since she was living at home . It seemed familiar to her and she liked that . Michael fired off a few questions but Ally wasn 't awake enough to answer him yet , she was fighting the urge to just go back to sleep . " I feel alright , " she finally answered . She took some deep breaths and tried to wake herself up a little more . She knew she really did not want to go to town and be around too many people but she didn 't want to disappoint Michael . " Can I think about it before I make a decision ? " she already knew he would say yes . Ally got up and went to the dresser to pull out a teal tank top and then went into the bathroom . She relieved herself before putting on the tank top and pulling her hair back so she could wash her face and brush her teeth , it always helped her feel more awake . She rejoined Michael in bed , fighting the overwhelming urge to roll back towards him and feel his closeness . Ally had forgotten to let her hair back down and when she faced the wall she realized he would see how ugly her body was , how he had destroyed her . She tried to calm herself but she started getting upset , she didn 't want him to see her like this . She quickly pulled the elastic band out of her hair and tried to cover her bare shoulders . Michael watched as Ally slowly blossom to life and stretched out before him . The way her t - shirt clung to the curves , made him happy . She was regaining her strength and figure after years of malnutrition and abuse . He was happy that he had taken this job , but never imagined that he would be laying here beside Ally with her feeling so comfortable in bed with him . Ally finally woke up enough to respond to his questions . Her answers reflected her difficult night and he could hear the weariness in her voice . " Of course , you can decide later . Elsie will be back in a couple of hours and you can make your choice then . " She gave a sleepy nod and slowly crawled out of bed to walk over the dresser . Michael tried not to stare , but his eyes were drawn to the sway of her hips and the way her shorts complemented her backside . She disappeared into the bathroom and Michael rolled back on to his back and watched the morning light crawl across the ceiling to brighten in the room . But Michael 's eyes grew heavy as he waited and his eyes closed again . He wasn 't sure how long she had been in the bathroom , but he felt when Ally return to bed . He rolled back over to face her . When he opened his eyes , he saw what Ally had been touching in the living room last night . There were several scars from multiple beatings on her shoulder , but only where clothes would conceal them . Michael was glad he had killed the bastard that had done this to her , but if he had seen these , it would have been a much longer and agonizing death ! He watched as Ally quickly pulled her hair down to cover the scars , he could see her body trembling . Michael had a sudden flash of a scar on Mary 's chest where a biopsy had caught a cancerous lesion . He remembered the first time he had seen it and how ashamed Mary had been about her body . He reached out and moved Ally 's hair back out of the way and lightly traced her scars lightly with his fingertips . " Ally , scars are just beautiful reminders that we survived a bad situation . These are just the story of how you got to be here with me now . " Michael leaned forward and lightly kissed the largest scar on her shoulder . Ally felt confused when he touched her . He was trying to reassure her , she knew that but when his lips touched her skin a bolt of electricity coursed through her and straight between her legs . " Don 't , " she jumped out of the bed and backed against the wall , staring at him wide eyed , " please don 't . " she repeated it quietly , almost whispering . She wrapped her arms around her , knowing her body was betraying her . Her perky breasts were tipped with the hardened nubs of her nipples from his unexpected touch . She walked to the bathroom and put her t shirt on before slipping out of the bedroom and going downstairs . Ally started the coffee as Elise came through the door with a basket of eggs and some fresh milk . Ally took the milk from her and put it away before hugging her tightly . Ally couldn 't help it , the whole thing came tumbling out in broken German and some of the Swedish she knew . Elise just patted her lovingly and told her to go sit on the porch and she would be out in a minute with the coffee . Ally nodded and went to sit on the swing , true to her word Elise brought the coffee a few moments later . They settled on the swing together like old friends . Elise started explaining to Ally why she was feeling the way she was . Michael was a very attractive man , and Ally was still young and despite her past trauma her body and mind still knew inherently what love was and it was seeking that feeling . Ally needed to feel wanted and appreciated . Ally listened intently , trying to sort out all of her feelings as Elise talked . When she started talking about sex and intimacy as a way of showing love Ally was lost . No man had ever had sex with her out of a loving place . All her feelings towards sex were negative and made her feel used and unworthy . Ally didn 't understand if she should let herself feel loving towards Michael or not , or let him act loving towards her . Everything was so confusing . The more they talked the more depressed Ally became . She had been told for years she was nothing , and now … oh God it made feistyphoenix Michael 's lips met Ally 's skin and he felt her yield to him for a split second , but then she jumped from the bed and backed away from him , looking at him like he had tried to rape her . " Ally , I 'm sorry . I could stop myself from kissing your scar . I just wanted you to know I think you 're beautiful … " He tried not to look , but her nipples were hard and full . she quickly covered herself and went into the bathroom . He pounded his fist into the pillows . Why can 't I stop myself ! What the fuck is wrong with me ? ! ? He rolled over and cursed himself for having hurt Ally . He heard the soft patter of her feet behind him , but she just slipped past him and out the door without saying another word to him . After laying there lambasting himself a few minutes longer , Michael went to the bathroom and got in the shower . He was determined to do everything for himself and stop depending on Ally for so much help . Maybe if she weren 't always so close , he could stop hurting her . The more he got to know , the more feeling he had buried for years were coming to the surface . He hadn 't felt this way since Mary . . . He used the shower wall to stretched his shoulder as much as he could . Fighting through the pain , Michael let the hot water help work his shoulder muscles loose and began to wash his hair . Without any kind of stimulation at all , he felt his member growing hard again , he groaned . " This is just great , just what I need ! Why are you doing this to me ! ? " Michael worked the shampoo into his hair , when suddenly , he heard the curtains fly open and then he felt a finger poking him in the chest . " Dumma arsle ! Du har den stackars flickan i ett fruktansvärt tillstånd . " Michael was taken by surprise and as he rinsed the soap from his eyes , his brain translated . Stupid Asshole ! You have the poor girl in a terrible state . Elsie smacked him on his penis and told him to keep that in his pants and to quit thinking with it . Michael looked down at the angry little Swedish woman staring angrily up at him and spoke to her in Swedish , " I 'm not sure what the problem is , Elsie . I keep acting on impulses that I know I shouldn 't and having erections at random times . I don 't seem to be in control of my own body at times . This just isn 't like me at all ! " Elsie asked him about being dizzy and if he had headaches or sensitivity to light . Michael admitted that he had been having those symptoms as well but had been hiding them . Elise told him that he was most likely suffering from post concussion syndrome and the symptoms could pass within the next three months , but until then he needed to take it easy on Ally . She pulled the shower curtain closed and told Michael to finish his shower . As he did , Elsie told him that Ally what suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and he would have to be patient with her and not push her into any situation that she was uncomfortable with or she would retreat from him . He would need to approach her gently and let her determine the amount of physical closeness between them from now on . Elsie left him to finish and went to make him some breakfast before their trip into to town . Michael pushed himself hard and got completely dressed and headed down to the kitchen . Michael grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out to see Ally on the swing . He watched her as he walked up to her and knelt down to talk to her , " Ally , I 'm sorry for being such an Dumma arsle , as Elsie put it . I know we talked about going in town today , but I really want you to do what you want to today . Elsie is going to drop me off and come back , if you want to stay here for some alone time . Maybe during breakfast you can look through some of Elsie 's catalogs and I will pick something special up , just for you . " Ally carefully watched Michael as he approached her and knelt down in front of her . She clung to her coffee mug for dear life but not because she was afraid of him , she was afraid of herself . Her feelings and emotions made no sense and she had no context to understand them . She was sure at one point in her life she wanted to fall in love and even marry someone and have a family together but that all seemed so foreign now . He looked upset and worried , she knew why . She listened to what he had to say and thought before responding . " It isn 't your fault , " her voice was quiet in her assurance . She started to reach towards him but lost her nerve . Ally grit her teeth and tried again , pushing the fear away . She stroked his handsome face gently and reassuringly . Touching him like this made her feel good , confused , but good in a strange way she hadn 't felt before she met him . She leaned forward and hugged him tentatively . She didn 't dare do any more than that . Her body was just far enough away from his that he wouldn 't feel her heart racing . Before it got the best of her she pulled back slowly . " We are quite a pair aren 't we ? " she smiled at him , as he kneeled he was eye level with her in the swing . His brown eyes searched her face , surveyed her new body . She could feel him looking at her differently than before , and a small but growing part of her wanted him to . " I think I would like to stay here if that is okay , " she tried to keep eye contact as she spoke more confidently but his gaze was intense and she looked down at the half filled coffee mug she was still holding in her lap , " do you want some coffee ? It 's in the kitchen . " She took his hand that was resting beside her on the swing and helped him balance as he rose . She didn 't let go immediately but she stood up also and went towards the door . Ally was even more curious about him now . They sat in the kitchen together and Ally noticed Elise seemed annoyed or maybe even angry , she was trying to hide it but Ally wondered if it was because of what she had told her earlier . Ally tried to look through the catalogs but she got bored . She did pick out a few things she liked ; she gravitated naturally to softer colors and plain clothes without patterns but with shapes she thought would flatter her new body . It seemed like a familiar activity , she had probably done this with her mother before . She excused herself when she started to feel a little overwhelmed . As she passed Michael 's chair after she rinsed her mug out in the sink her hand grazed his shoulder , Ally didn 't know why but it startled her . She undressed in the bathroom and piled her hair up on top of her head before stepping into the hot running water of the shower . She stood with her hands crossed over her chest and holding onto her upper arms under the spray , trying to keep her hair from getting wet . Her mind was reeling in all directions and she tingled all over as she thought about being pressed up against Michael 's naked body just the day before . She closed her eyes slowly and let her desires come to the forefront of her mind . She let herself become completely aroused by the thought of him kissing her lips . If the way he touched her was any indication she thought his kisses would be just as gentle and confident . Ally 's body responded instantly to her daydream and she found herself lightly panting and leaning against the back wall . The water caressed her now hypersensitive skin and it seemed no matter what she did she became more turned on . " Damnit , " she sighed in frustration . She shut the water off abruptly and dried off quickly . The brush of the towel over her skin made it even worse . Ally started to feel like sheHer feet hurt from walking for almost an hour so she took off her t shirt and laid down in the tall soft grass on it and stared up at the clouds . It felt like she was in her dream again . The sun warmed her body and it wasn 't long before her eyelids were heavy . Before she fell asleep her thoughts turned back to Michael , hoping this time he wouldn 't be angry with her for going off by herself . She knew better but everything about him made her body and mind riot . Michael listened as Ally told him that she was sorry and that none of this was his fault , but his eyes drifted downward because he didn 't want make her feel guilty any more than he wanted to hurt her . While he was looking at the floor , he felt her soft fingers stroking his face and speaking to him in a more confident voice . He looked up and responded " We certainly are that , but I think we can make it through this , together . He swore that look in her eyes changed to that ' Kiss me , now ! ' look . But did he dare ? Michael was gauging Ally 's face , trying to figure out what he should do , when she look down . Movement in the kitchen window caught his eye and he saw an angry Swedish woman glaring at him . Elise was shaking her head ' No ! ' vigorously at him while shaking her finger at him . He stayed still and waited for Ally to make the move . She stood up and offered him her hand to help him up . Michael took her delicate hand and stood up , mostly on his own power . Once he was up on his feet , Michael was surprised when she did not release his hand right away . Ally 's hand lingered in his and he enjoyed the brief experience , until they were almost in the house . Michael got up to retrieve the laptop and sat down at the table . Elise glared at him as she poured him a cup of coffee , but smiled as she refilled Ally 's cup . Michael read through the emails from Ally 's father , as he enjoyed Elsie 's wonderful cooking . Every email asked if he had been successful in finding his daughter and then asked why he had not checked in at the agreed intervals . Michael debated on whether to send him a response right now telling him that he had found Ally , but he decided not to at this time . He didn 't have a reason , just a gut feeling . Michael found a hidden file marked , [ i ] [ b ] Open in Case of Emergency [ \ b ] [ \ i ] . He opened the email and saw a list of safe houses throughout Europe , the closest of which was in Padborg , Denmark on the border near Germany . There would be supplies and identification waiting for him there , as well as someone who would be able to get Ally identification so she could travel . Ally got up from the table , rinsed her coffee cup and walk behind him . Michael couldn 't tell if she did it on purpose or by accident , but her hands grazed his shoulder . Michael felt energy pass between them , something he hadn 't felt in a long time . He smiled at her as she climbed the stairs . When the door closed upstairs , Elise scolded Michael not behaving and flirting too much . He protested and told her that he was ready to head into town . He considered saying goodbye to Ally , but he could the shower water running in their bathroom . Elise gave Michael phone numbers of local connections that he would need in town to get some of the items that would not be available in the stores . She took him to a local bank and introduced him to the bank president . She went shopping for Ally and headed back to the cabin to make sure she was okay . Michael was able withdraw a large amount from his account using his finger prints and a retinal scan to confirm his identity . He left the bank with a backpack full of Danish Krones and headed to the store to buy two phones . He had them charge the phone so he could use them immediately and called the first number on Elsie 's list . Michael spent the morning gathering the supplies he could get and ended up in the marina . He spotted a Nord West 390 Flybridge with a for sale sign and headed down to talk to the owner . With cash in hand , Michael was able to buy the boat for a good price and paid to have the paperwork sent to the bank . He thanked the man and took off back towards the cabin to show Ally his new toys . Elise returned to find an empty cabin . She called Ally 's name but got no response , she tried to stay calm but this was not good . She checked her own cabin across the meadow and called Ally 's name several more times , she knew the girl had to be nearby and wouldn 't wander off . By the time she put away the groceries she had picked up and fed the chickens Ally still wasn 't back . Elise checked both cabins again , this time she was frantic . After looking at the clock she hurried down to the dock to meet Michael . He would have to find Ally , was it possible she had wandered off into the woods ? Elise hoped not , there were bears out there if you walked far enough and she was afraid Ally wouldn 't last through the night . Michael 's boat was pulling up and she helped him tie it off and secure it . " Vi har ett problem , " she told him worriedly , " flicken ar borta . " When Elise told him Ally was gone , the look on his face was unmistakable . Ally woke sometime later , the shade of the trees was covering her now and she could tell it was later in the day . Maybe now she would have a better idea of how to get back to the cabin without getting lost . She sighed and picked up her t shirt and put it back over her tank top . It was a bit cooler now . Ally surveyed the clearing and remembered from which direction she came from so she started that way . She walked for awhile , just listening to the sounds of the forest . She could smell something in the air , rain maybe . She smiled at the birds chirping and the small animals scurrying about . The squirrels chattered in the trees above her . She picked her way through as the forest got thicker . She didn 't remember it being this thick near the cabin , maybe she was going the wrong way ? Some long forgotten memory of a story about breadcrumbs came to her mind . She started snapping off small twigs on the bushes every twenty paces or so . Perhaps this would help her later to decide if she had come that way before . The forest got quieter and the sky darkened even more . The distant rumble told her instinctively that it was definitely going to rain . She started to pick up the pace of her walk , even jogging when the terrain allowed . She didn 't recognize anything and was too afraid to call out . What if someone she didn 't know found her ? The thought made her tremble . She couldn 't go through that trauma again . Her breathing was coming faster and every small sound she heard started to convince her that maybe someone was following her . She started to panic and the forest closed in around her . Maybe she should stay put ? The forest seemed to be mostly made up of pines and other ever green varieties . She saw the massive evergreen and broke off a few more twigs as she made her way towards it . The branches were so heavy they hung down to the ground like a skirt , a big bushy skirt . She thought and thought and decided to climb under it . She got a few scrapes as she crawled beneath the behemoth but surprisingly enough the ground under it was c __________________ " You are a Goddess . You are the great great grand daughter of the witches men could not burn . You are a descendant of Shield Maidens and are made in the image of Valkyries . You are the reason wars were started , fought and won . God him self pulled you from Adams ribs because once the world was created and man was made , he thought that none of this would be worth it with out You . You are fire , you are water , you are the moon and stars . You create life , give life and you , under no circumstance get ignored . " MB Michael took notice of the various spots where the boat was close to the bottom of the channel and the boulders of garnet that popped up out of the water here and there along the way . It was approaching dark as he neared the boat slip . He saw Elsie waiting there for him and his gut told him that couldn 't be good , she would normally be at the house preparing the evening meal with Ally helping her . He quickly brought the boat in and tied it as fast as he could . His face went white as Elsie told him that Ally was gone . He calmed himself , handed her the other cell phone and backpack with the remaining cash in it . Michael quickly jumped back on the boat and gathered some of the supplies her thought he might need to find her . He and Elsie returned to the cabin and she showed him the only foot print that she had found at the back of the cabin . She looked at him with pleading eyes . " Skogen är pådet sättet . Vänlingen hitta flicken ! " Michael took note of the thick woods that Elsie pointed to and reassured her that he would find her and call her on the cell when he did . With that he set to finding her trail before he lost all the light . Relieved that there was only one set of foot prints , he followed her tracks to a small clearing and saw where the grass had been matted down from someone lying there for several hours . He found where she had gone into a much denser wooded area , as the light was failing . He got the flashlight out and started looking for more signs . The rain started to fall , washing away most of her tracks as darkness fell and just about given up , when he saw the first broken branch . [ i ] Good girl ! [ \ i ] he thought and he tracked what light foot prints he could find to the next broken branch until he finally arrived at a large evergreen that several broken branches pointed to . The rain was falling heavily now and Michael could not tell exactly where Ally was anymore , so he softly called out her name . " Ally , it 's Michael and I 've come to help you . Please stay where you are and answer me . I will come to you . " Michael stood and listened closely for any response . Ally was shivering under the tree in her little cave of branches . She was however staying reasonably dry up against the tree trunk . She had been too frightened to move and her body was stiff from the tension . Every sound made her shake in fear . She wanted to be back at the cabin but her paranoia paralyzed her . It overtook her so fully she felt like she couldn 't move . She watched the small light grow closer and she held her knees even tighter making herself as small as possible . She put her head down and stayed quiet , shaking gently while the rain pounded down on the forest . It was almost deafening . " Ally , it 's Michael . . . " Ally 's head snapped to attention at the sound of his voice . It was definitely him . She almost started crying she was so relieved . " Michael I 'm here , under the tree , " she called out in a shaky voice to him . She resisted the urge to climb out from under the branches but she unfolded her legs and moved the branches aside to look up at him . His clothes were partially soaked . " You are a Goddess . You are the great great grand daughter of the witches men could not burn . You are a descendant of Shield Maidens and are made in the image of Valkyries . You are the reason wars were started , fought and won . God him self pulled you from Adams ribs because once the world was created and man was made , he thought that none of this would be worth it with out You . You are fire , you are water , you are the moon and stars . You create life , give life and you , under no circumstance get ignored . " MB Michael was so relieved to hear Ally 's voice again and see her shivering smile emerge from the branches . He quickly made his way under the tree and wrapped her in his arms tightly for several minutes , kissing the top of her head over and over . But then he realizing that he was getting her clothes wet too , so he pushed her back a bit and searched the backpack for the cell phone . " You scared the hell out of us , Ally . You need to tell Elsie that we found each other and won 't be able to make it back tonight because of the rain . " He pushed the button labeled [ b ] Ally [ \ b ] and handed her the phone . As she talked to Elsie he used the flashlight as a lantern , took off his shirt and pants , but wrapped the blanket around Ally . After she hung up , Michael began to shiver all the over . He looked at her . " We are going to have to huddle together tonight to keep from becoming hypothermic . I am sorry , Ally , but because I got that shirt wet and you will need to take it off too . Besides , the more body surface area that we can have touching better off we will be . " While he waited for her to respond , he took out some water and protein bars for them . " You must be starving and thirsty , Mary . " Ally clung to Michael 's wet shirt as he held her tightly and kissed her head . Her breathing changed from the frightened panting to a more relaxed even pattern now that he was close and she felt more secure . She called the cabin on the phone using the number Elise must have programmed into it . Elise was worried and upset but Ally reassured her that they were both fine and would be back as soon as it stopped raining . She watched Michael undress before her and she started becoming nervous . He wrapped the blanket around her and she sat close by watching him shiver . When he told her to take her shirt off she resisted . She didn 't want to be exposed like that to him . She shook her head and refused , his eyes pleaded with her to trust him but she just couldn 't . It was bad enough she was going to have to stay pressed against his almost naked body to keep him warm . She managed to convince him her shirt was only damp and their body heat would dry it very quickly . He acquiesced eventually but didn 't seem pleased about it . She looked up at him with big blue worried eyes and tried to be brave about their closeness but it bothered her initially . She didn 't want him to get sick again though . She ate the food he gave her and hung his wet clothes over an inner branch so they could get as dry as possible . It became unavoidable for her to stay away from him . She thought about just giving him the blanket but knew he would never let her sit there and shiver all night . She had no choice . She steeled her nerves and moved to straddle his lap and wrap the blanket around his shoulders . He sat indian style , cradling her body against his with his muscular arms . Ally was stiff and uncomfortable for awhile before her exhaustion got the better of her and she relaxed against his chest , taking note of his steady heartbeat . She liked feeling it thudding against her cheek , it made her feel safe . The sound of the rain let up a little and it wasn 't so loud anymore . " Have you ever been in love , Michael ? What is it like ? " contrary to what he might have __________________ " You are a Goddess . You are the great great grand daughter of the witches men could not burn . You are a descendant of Shield Maidens and are made in the image of Valkyries . You are the reason wars were started , fought and won . God him self pulled you from Adams ribs because once the world was created and man was made , he thought that none of this would be worth it with out You . You are fire , you are water , you are the moon and stars . You create life , give life and you , under no circumstance get ignored . " MB |
Three weeks ago my doctor decided that I had fully recovered from the trials of the summer and my surgery to remove the fibroid that caused so many problems . Two weeks ago I returned to work . After spending five months away , it 's been really rough . I miss my son and the traffic sucks , but on the upside I can eat without having to rush ( or worry about getting crumbs in my son 's hair ) , and , most importantly , I have time to write again ! I have one story that every time I look at it , I wonder where the heck I was going with this particular chapter I was working on . On another story , I 've decided that how I started it was too distracting , and that this one particular character was pointless . And it turns out a third story I thought needed more work is actually done and just needs to be edited . Why didn 't I do that ages ago ? Anywho , today is Wednesday , and on Wednesday 's I used to participate in this thing called WIPpet Wednesdays where authors would share snippets of what they were working on . Since I was able to get a little writing done this week , here 's a WIPpet snippet . Today is 12 / 17 , so here are five paragraphs ( 12 - 17 = 5 ) from the story involving Mary ( whom we last saw in this post ) Mary froze . The earl was another one of her regulars , often visiting once or twice a week if she allowed him . While she enjoyed all of her clients , she had to admit that he was probably her favorite . He was only a few years older than herself , handsome , and extremely fit underneath his tailored suits . While she didn 't love him - after all courtesans could not risk falling in love - there was a definite attraction between them . She did not have to fake it with him like she had to do with others , and his more traditional tastes were a welcome relief after all the other fantasies she had to fulfill . However , it had been well over a month since he had last visited . Mary had assumed that he had retired to his estate for the summer , or that maybe he had finally taken a wife and was trying to have an heir . She stepped forward , peaking around the corner , to spy into the room . Hannah was correct , the Earl was occupying one of the parlor chairs . He appeared as if he had lost weight since she had last seen him , his hair had started to go gray at the temples , and he sported a new mustache that curled at the ends . She was not fond of the fad , but she had to admit that he carried it well . Another courtesan sat on his lap . She played with his cravat , running her finger tip over the diamond pin in the middle of it as she whispered in his ear . He smiled at whatever she said , but he seemed distracted , absently spinning the glass in his hands so that the whisky swirled inside . Mary stepped into the room , holding her hands in front of her and cleared her throat . He glanced up and a slow smile spread over his lips as he recognized her . He stood , sending the other courtesan sprawling to the floor . A couple of days ago I wrote about how we had started reducing the amount of rice cereal in Bug 's formula . Well , Bug is a smart boy and figured out that the bottles we were giving him had less rice cereal in it than his other bottles . I don 't know if it was the texture , or maybe the fact that it made the nipple of his bottles feel different , or what exactly happened - all I know is that he somehow figured it out and started flat out refusing those bottles . First it started out with him just chewing on the nipples , or holding it in his mouth but not actually sucking . By the time we went back in for his next occupational therapy appointment , he had progressed to protesting the bottles rather loudly . He wasn 't crying . . . just making disgruntled sounds in a very annoyed tone of voice , and the expressions on that little face of his ! Any time we tried to give him a bottle , his eyebrows would draw together and his eyes would narrow - it was like he didn 't trust us ! The city we live in right now has a float that comes around and stops in different neighborhoods every night . On Tuesday they stopped about a block away from our house , so my husband and I dressed the boy up and carried him over to meet Santa . He was very entertained by the lights on the float , and he did very well for his first photo . By the second photo , when we hopped in , he realized someone new was holding him , so you can see him turning to look , and then by the third picture , he was staring up at him waving his arms and smiling . Sadly the camera was too far away to catch said smile . When I first started taking Bug to his occupational therapy appointments , his therapist asked what our goal for him was . I remember blinking at her in surprise - goal ? Weren 't they the ones who were supposed to be setting the goals for him ? " Um , how about getting to the point where we don 't have to put as much rice cereal in his formula ? " At the time baby boy had some pretty severe constipation due to the rice cereal . We 're talking having to give him lactulose and a suppository twice a day because he had developed an umbilical hernia and was developing an inguinal hernia from straining bad . If we could lower the amount we added to his bottles , maybe it would help . Also , letting him decide when he was hungry instead of feeding him every three hours would be nice too . Then , about a month ago , his occupational therapist decided that we could start feeding him with him sitting upright or cradled in our arms instead of with him on his side . Bug loved it . He really enjoyed looking up at us , looking around at the room , at the TV , the cats . He even started trying to hold his bottle more . At his last OT appointment , his therapist decided that he was doing so well that she wanted to see how he would handle less rice cereal in his formula . Instead of adding two teaspoons per ounce to his bottle , she added one and a half . He actually handled it very well - so well that she told us we could give him one ounce of formula with one and a half twice a day . This week we 're up to one ounce with one and a half teaspoons four times a day , and if he continues doing well , we 'll graduate to eight * times a day next week . In addition to that , his cat scan for his lungs came back normal . There is some evidence of chronic lung disease , so we have to continue with his breathing treatments - but his lungs are no longer enlarged , and his tachypnea has disappeared . Pulmonary wants to keep him on the apnea monitor for now , but they 're letting us take it off during the day time now . Baby boy had developed an umblical hernia shortly after his last hospital stay . The doctors all told us that it should resolve itself eventually , however our pediatrician advised us to tape a coin over his belly button to help things along . It seemed a bit strange ( and really old school ) but to our complete surprise , it worked ! His belly button is back to normal now ! However , we still have to go in for an ultrasound to make sure he doesn 't have an inguinal hernia this week . I have a feeling that he doesn 't have an inquinal hernia at all , as his pediatrician said one of his testes hadn 't descended yet , but better safe than sorry . However , he still hasn 't rolled over on his own yet . We probably need to do more tummy time instead of chest to chest time , but it 's hard since he 's really not a big fan of tummy time . He 'll do okay for a few minutes , but eventually he starts getting tired , or frustrated , and crying . Considering how much he likes sitting and standing , but hates tummy time , I have a sneaking suspicion he may skip crawling . According to his occupational therapist , a lot of preemie babies do that , so we 'll see what happens ! 1 in 10 births world wide is a premature birth . I never thought my son would be one of those one in ten . . . but life is full of surprises . Even though it 's been a tough road , I wouldn 't have it any other way . I will praise thee ; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139 : 14 The car ride home was a special kind of hell . The 605 is a very bumpy freeway in certain areas , and even though my husband tried to avoid them or take them as slowly as possible , each one hurt like blue blazes . Also , the nausea that every nurse had asked me about while I was in the hospital kicked in the moment we exited the freeway . Instead of choking down on normal food like I had planned ( Orange Coast Memorial doesn 't have the menu that Long Beach Memorial does ) I spent the first day home praying I wouldn 't be sick . Thankfully I wasn 't . Since I couldn 't lift my son , my husband took the week of my surgery off . Having him at home to help out was a God send . He washed the bottles , made the formula , and fed Bug during those late night feelings when I couldn 't keep my eyes open because of the Percocet . He took him to the doctors for his check ups , and he finally got to sit in on one of our son 's occupational therapy appointments and meet his wonderful therapist . Originally the plan had been that my mother in law would watch over me while my husband went to work - but that plan fell through before I even went under the knife . My mother in law had had a lumpectomy in mid September , but around the beginning of October the incision had become infected . She had to go through a second surgery to clean the wound , and was going to see a specialist every other day to have the wound treated . She 's shown me it a couple of times and swears it doesn 't hurt . I think she 's lying . Thankfully my family only lives about 20 minutes away and they were more then willing to help . The first day my mom came over and fed the baby and changes his diapers while I sat in my recliner and dozed the morning and afternoon away on Percocet . Then the next day my aunt came over . Another day my oldest cousin stopped by . When I wasn 't sleeping off the pain killers , we chatted about stuff . My mom gave birth to me via c - section , and my aunt had three OBGYN surgeries within the space of a year , so they knew the pain I was going through . In addition to that my other aunt and my grandmother had had fibroids when I was young , and had surgeries to remove them . Eventually the pain from the surgery faded enough that I was able to stop taking Percocet , and I didn 't even need to take prescription ibuprofen . However , I was still easily tired : I went out for lunch with friends the Sunday before Halloween , and I managed to make it through lunch , but I had to sit out on the wine tasting they went to afterwards ( though , honestly , I am not a big fan of wine so I probably would 've sat that out anyways ) . Then the following day I pushed myself way too much by walking down Seal Beach pier and around downtown . I was scolded by my doctor for that and since then I 've been a lot more careful . My husband and I have been debating about this for awhile . See our medical insurance is really great and has taken care of a lot of mine and our son 's medical bills , but there 's one bill left to take care of - our baby boy 's NICU bill . In the grand scheme of things it 's not as bad as it could have been , but with me on medical leave , it 's just a bit more than we can afford right now . Especially since we 're going to have to start paying my job back for my portion of our health insurance ( Since I haven 't worked since June , my company hasn 't been able to deduct that from my paychecks like they normally would ) . Unfortunately we can 't negotiate the medical bill down any further , we don 't qualify for any sort of assistance , and if my son does qualify for CCS ( a supplementary insurance available for children here in California ) , it 's not retroactive . It 's been a year and a half since I first found out I had fibroids , about a year since I first met my amazing doctor and she told me we could take them out , ten months since I found out I was pregnant , four months since the fibroids caused me to go into preterm labor , and about two months since I hemorrhaged because of the stupid things . And as of last Tuesday they are finally gone from my body . We left baby boy ( who we have taken to calling Bug so much that we worry he 'll start to think that 's his real name ) with my mom and drove down to Orange Coast Memorial before the sun was even up . I checked in with admitting , filled out the same paperwork I had filled out multiple times over the summer , for both mine and our son 's various stays at Orange Coast 's sister hospital Long Beach Memorial , and then we walked over to the main entrance where I checked in again - this time with the surgical receptionist . After a few minutes of waiting I was taken back into the pre - op area . I changed into a gown , hair net and booties , and the nurses connected me to a monitor to get my vitals . I may have set it off once or twice - prior to this the only time I had had surgery was a tonselectomy when I was five , so I was more than a bit nervous ! After the nurses got my vitals and started an IV , my husband was allowed to come back and sit with me while I waited . Thank God for that - I was beginning to get even more nervous with just the fabric curtains for company . The anesthesiologist stopped by and asked some questions . Then the operating room nurse checked in . Finally my doctor showed up and went over what the procedure would entail one last time . When she asked if I had any questions , I shook my head and said I just wanted to get it over with . She left to get scrubbed in , and a couple of minutes late the anesthesiologist and the operating room nurse came back . It was time . The anesthesiologist injected something into my IV that burned , but the sensation quickly faded . My husband kissed me , and then the OR nurse rolled the gurney back to Posted by It was the day he turned a month old . A friend had come over to take pictures of him . After she left I looked over at our son in his swing , feeling happy that everything was going so well , when I noticed that something was wrong . He was arching his back and his eyes had rolled back in his head . He was also struggling to breathe and had begun to turn grey . Without thinking I immediately pulled him out of the swing and put him on the ground . We tapped his foot and shook him , but he still couldn 't breathe . So I immediately started CPR while my husband and my in - laws called 911 . Thankfully , after one round of CPR baby boy started breathing again . By the time the local fire department made it to our house , his color had improved , but he was still very listless . After he was checked out and we explained what had happened , the paramedics packed us up into an ambulance and drove us down to Miller 's Children 's Hospital in Long Beach . That set off a number of alarms , so suddenly we had several nurses and a couple of the ER doctors in the room asking what had happened . I explained that I had just been giving our son a bottle because it was way past his feeding time and the nurses had said it was okay for us to do that . They had me start to feed him again while they watched , and his oxygen levels dropped a second time . The ER doc told me to stop and explained that our son was aspirating on his formula . They were shocked that the NICU had sent him home like that , and so were we , but by the time he had started bottle feeding in the NICU , he had been off the oxygen monitor for a week . Come to find out , he was supposed to be on an oxygen monitor when they started bottle feeding him to make sure he wasn 't having these issues . And now that we knew this was happening , it explained so much ! Our poor baby boy had always looked like he was struggling when he was feeding . He was either gasping for air , or gulping , or coughing , and it took forever for him to finish a bottle . I had pointed these things out to his nurses in the NICU multiple times , but they had always assured me that that was normal and he would get better over time . During our stay in the PICU we also learned that baby boy had severe reflux . In fact , when they did the PH study , they found out that whenever he had reflux , his oxygen levels would drop , because he would stop breathing from the pain . This was probably what I had seen that day in the swing - he had had a severe episode of reflux that led to an apnea episode . They put him on prilosec and a low dose antibiotic to help his stomach empty faster . Then , four days after going home , we were sent back to Miller 's Children 's Hospital by our pediatrician . During a routine check up , she noticed that our son was breathing faster than normal . An infant is only supposed to breathe between 20 and 60 breaths a minute - baby boy was breathing at least 80 breaths a minute . My husband and I were now beyond frustrated . We had known that there was a possibility that our son would end up back in the hospital some day - after all preemies are more susceptible to illnesses - but twice in as many weeks ? And it hadn 't even been a month since the NICU had sent him home ! The following week we went in for another check up with our pediatrician , and right as I was getting ready to put our son in his car seat , he stopped breathing for a second time . Our doctor began doing rescue breaths , and as soon as he began breathing again , put him on oxygen . The fire department and paramedics showed up , and once more we were packed up into an ambulance and driven down to Miller 's Children 's Hospital . More tests were done , including an EEG to see if maybe he was having seizures , but everything came back normal . Pulmonary continued to insist that his breathing issues were something that he would grow out of , and blame the apnea issues on his reflux . GI decided to up his meds , but pointed out that since his reflux was under control , there was no reason for him to have apnea episodes any more . The regular pediatricians just shrugged and said they had no idea . We were beyond frustrated . It felt like they were insinuating that we were doing something to our son to cause his problems - in fact Pulmonary repeatedly brought up my husbands smoking , even though he didn 't smoke anywhere near the house , washed his hands and face when he came in the house from smoking , and changed clothes . It also seemed like any time we suggested something that we thought might help - like an air purifier or a humidifier - we were told that it was useless and not to bother , which didn 't make sense to us . If there was something in our house that might be causing his issues , like dust , wouldn 't a purifier help that ? Thankfully there haven 't been any more issues since our son came home from the hospital this last time . We continue to work with GI to treat his reflux , and we go to occupational therapy appointments every week to work on his swallowing issues . Our baby boy is thriving , and has pretty much caught up weight wise with the rest of the babies his age ( in fact , he caught up so much so quickly that his GI doctor calls him a chubby monkey ) . Over the weekend , my post partum bleeding had gotten heavier and heavier . So much so that I often felt I was spending more time in the bathroom tending to it than spending time with my son . I had called one of the doctors at the hospital regarding it , but she had insisted that having such a heavy flow , and passing large clots was fairly normal considering the fact I had such a large fibroid . I trusted she knew what she was talking about , but another part of me was worried . The blood clots were now the size of the palm of my hand , and I was going through a pad an hour . Everything online said that that was not normal even though she swore it was . Finally a family friend pointed out that I needed to go to the hospital because it sounded like I had a retained placenta - which , considering I had had placenta abrupta when I had delivered my son , was entirely possible . My husband and I drove down to the ER , where I was brought into one of the triage rooms . My pulse was higher than normal so I was escorted into the back . There they took my blood , hooked me up to an IV , and escorted me to an ER bed . Over the next five hours , the ER doctors ran several tests . Finally they explained that while I did not have a retained placenta , the fibroid wasn 't allowing my uterus to shrink normally ( In fact it still felt like I was four months pregnant when they did their examination ) and the uterine lining was unstable as a result . This was why I was bleeding so heavily . The next 24 hours were absolute hell . The blood was supposed to be ready as soon as we reached the room but it wasn 't . Apparently the nurses thought the blood bank was supposed to call them , not that they needed to call the blood bank . It took my doctor showing up on rounds and yelling at them to get them to do their job . In addition to that , the ER had put my IV in a horrible spot - the crook of my elbow - so any time I moved , or , heck , even looked at the IV the wrong way , it would stop and an alarm would sound . Even though I was right next to the nurses desk , and they could hear the alarm , whenever I clicked the call button and told them what was going on , it would take them sometimes an hour to check on it . Finally I had asked to be brought a breast pump so I could pump milk for my son , but they never brought one . To add insult to injury , once the blood transfusion was complete around 6pm the nurses wouldn 't let me go see my son in the NICU until they did a blood test to make sure my levels had gone up . They said they called the tech right then and there , but when she showed up at 8pm , she told us that she hadn 't been called to come over until 750 . Unfortunately that blood test came back showing my levels were lower than they had been when I entered the hospital . Rather than realizing that that had to be wrong and doing another blood test themselves , the nurses called up my doctor - who then proceeded to yell at them again and tell them to do another test . That took another hour and a half , because , again , the nurses didn 't call the tech to come and do the blood test like they were supposed to until my husband yelled at them . Then once that blood test was done the nurses still didn 't want to let me go to the NICU until they 'd had another chance to talk to my doctor . I had a melt down . It was ten o ' clock . I hadn 't slept in 36 hours , I hadn 't seen my son in over 24 hours , and a simple transfusion that was supposed to take 6 hours had taken 12 because these nurses were incompetent and would rather spend their time at work gossiping rather than doing their jobs . My husband started yelling again , and my mother in law also got involved and gave them the what for . I was pleased to see that he had been moved back into a crib . In addition to that they had also moved the crib out from under the air vent , so he was maintaining his temperature better than he had the first go around . In addition to that he had also been finishing his bottles since 5pm that night . If he kept up the good work , the nurse told me , they would be able to remove his NG tube . The next day , after I 'd had a chance to shower and eat , my mother in law drove me back down to the hospital so I could see my son . Thankfully he was still doing well ; he was maintaining his temp , and he had finished all his bottles through out the night , so they had removed his NG tube just like the night nurse had told me they would . The day nurse told me that if he continued to finish his feeds for the 24 hours , then he would be discharged on Friday . FRIDAY ? My son would be coming home FRIDAY ? We had originally been told not to expect him home until his original due date ! We were not prepared ! The next 24 hours were spent rushing around to get everything ready . My aunt and my cousin had bought a travel set for us that included a stroller and a car seat . They dropped that , and plenty of diapers , off the next day and my husband and I spent a good hour trying to figure out how to install the car seat base in my car . Then we had to clean our room , move some of the furniture around , and set up his bassinet . The next day we had the same nurse again . She was still grumpy and condescending . In addition to that she still moved things out of our son 's incubator - but at least this time she explained why . Apparently the doctors wanted to try to move him into a crib by the end of the week since he was large enough now that he should be able to maintain his own temperature on his own . Once he made the move to the crib , he wouldn 't be allowed to have any stuffed toys or blankets in there with him , just like he wouldn 't be allowed to sleep with toys or blankets if he were at home . Throughout the day they checked his temp every couple of hours . He was maintaining it well , but once night time came , his temp dropped , so they closed the lid on the incubator and turned the heater back on . I was sad to see that when I came in the next morning , but , at the same time , I reminded myself that he was still young . He would get there eventually . I walked in to the NICU to find that one of our son 's neighbors had been moved into an open crib . I commented on it to his nurse for the day and she smiled back at me telling me that he wasn 't the only one who had graduated . I blinked at her a couple of times in surprise , and then walked over to my son 's cubicle to find that , yep , he had been moved to a crib as well ! The next day we had to deal with yet another nurse who harassed me about my milk production . I was finally beginning to produce 40 to 50 mls , but in her opinion that wasn 't enough . In addition to that none of the clothes we had brought for our son to wear were good enough . Apparently she required that all onesies , pajamas , and sleep and play suits should have buttons . The sleep and play suit we brought had a zipper which was just not acceptable . Also she had started bottle feeding our son without calling us to notify us so we could be there . Last but not least , I was having some problems that evening - my post partum bleeding had suddenly increased drastically and now included large blood clots , so I had to keep running to the restroom to attend to them . Every time I passed her she quizzed me about how I had done on my latest pumping , and when we would be getting our son something better to wear , and if everything was okay . To top the horrible day off , we got a call later that night from our son 's night nurse telling us that he could not maintain his temp and was moved back into an incubator after being in a crib for a day and a half . My husband and I were disappointed , but not surprised - when we had changed him out of the NICU preemie shirt and into the sleep suit , we had noticed that he was bundled up pretty heavily . Even though the doctors had thought he was ready , it was obvious that he was not . I went in early the next morning , wanting to reassure myself that my son was okay , and protect him from that nurse just in case he had been assigned her again . Thankfully he had someone new , a girl who was on rotation from the PICU , and who was just as shocked as we were by the other nurse 's behavior . On the downside we discovered that several of his things were missing ; his hat , his stuffed zero , and the lovey that had been in his incubator from day one . Everything else had been moved over , but apparently these items had been overlooked . We told his nurse , and she promised that she would call the nurse he had the night before . However she never did . It was the night nurse who finally found them and she was only able to do so because the crib he had been in had not been cleaned out yet . The following day the doctors were determined to get our son into an open crib . The nurses began preparing him for the transfer once more by turning off the heat on the incubator , raising the lid , and bundling him up . For awhile , he maintained his temperature fairly well , and then it slowly began to drop . The nurses were exasperated . Suddenly an idea occurred to me . Our boy was staying in the isolation room for the NICU because it was the only space they had had open when they had transferred him over from his old NICU nursery . It was a nice little room , but it was enclosed with heavy glass doors and windows , where as all the other rooms were cubicles and were open on one side to the rest of the NICU . Also , there was an air vent directly over his incubator . The other cubicles had air vents as well , but they were located closer to the corridor running down the middle of the NICU , and not directly overhead . We discussed what milestones he needed to meet before he could be discharged . I already knew most of them thanks to a friend who 's daughter was also in the NICU , but it was good to hear them again . The doctor was hesitant to give us an exact ETA on when he would be discharged , saying that she had seen babies leave earlier than their due date , and babies who had left later than their due date - it was all up to baby boy . Considering how well he was doing so far , I totally expected that he would be out of their sooner rather than later . His nurse that day was not someone who normally worked in the NICU , and , as they had given her three babies to watch over , I suspect she was a bit overwhelmed . She let me hold our son during feedings longer than normal , which was nice , but I worried that his jaundice levels would go up as a result . Thursday was also the day my husband brought up baby boy 's hearing . He had noticed that when alarms went off , or other baby 's started crying in the unit , our son didn 't react . As the day went on I noticed the same thing , but the nurse quickly pointed out that since he had been in the NICU since he had been born , he was used to the noises which was why they didn 't faze him - but if something unexpected happened , like the fire alarm going off , he did react . Sure enough , when my husband came to visit that night , he opened one of the windows on the incubator to reach in and touch our son . The window swung open really fast , and my husband didn 't catch it in time , so it banged against the side of the incubator , and baby boy flinched . Yup , his ears were working all right . Despite my concerns about hims being out from under the lights for longer than normal the day before , Baby Boy 's jaundice levels had gone down enough on Friday that the doctors stopped the phototherapy . It was lovely to be able to see his beautiful face again outside of feeding time , and he certainly enjoyed looking around . He was especially active when my Aunt brought my Uncle to meet him ! As soon as our son had been born I had started pumping every three hours . I woke up in the middle of the night to pump . I pumped while at friends and family members houses . I pumped at the hospital . I had even rented a hospital grade pump from Baby 's R Us to use at home , since the one that WIC had loaned me was total crap . However , the most I could get was 20 to 30 mls at a time - which was just barely enough for the nurses to use . Since I was having issues producing the milk needed , we had signed a release allowing the hospital to give our son donor milk . However , the hospital was running out of donor milk and would soon be switching our son to formula . While there is nothing wrong with formula - heck , I and my cousins were raised on it - my husband and I had both read that breastmilk really was best for preemies like our baby . His nurse that day questioned me about my breastmilk production . I explained what I was doing , and braced myself for a lecture . Instead , she offered a couple of suggestions that she believed would help improve things : first she pointed out that I needed to stop wearing an underwire bra , because apparently that could cut off blood flow which would affect my supply . She explained that I should be wearing nursing bras , or going , as she put it , ' free bird ' . Then she suggested indulging in a beer every night . Surprised , I gave her a look , and she quickly explained that she wasn 't promoting alcoholism , but that some of the ingredients in beer helped with milk production . A couple of friends agreed with her when I mentioned it to them . It still sounded strange to me , but I figured it was worth a shot . Friends had also suggested trying Mothers Milk tea and Fenugreek . I couldn 't find any Fenugreek at Target , but they were having a sale on Mothers Milk tea , so I stocked up on that . It seemed to help a little . The next day things improved dramatically . Just like the nurse and my friends said , the beer had really helped ! Unfortunately , they had also upped the amount that they were giving baby boy at every feeding , so now I was playing catch up . However , despite her miserable attitude , she did do something good - she sent in the lactation consultant to speak with me . The lactation consultant and I went over everything that I was doing and she reassured me that I was doing everything right . Unfortunately , it 's just harder for some preemie moms to produce milk because we 're pumping and we can 't actually breast feed our babies from day one like normal moms . Since breast feeding releases hormones that help with milk production that pumping can 't , she suggested we start doing non nutritional breastfeeding . The next day was a bit crazy . I had my first postpartum follow up in the morning , which meant I wasn 't there for baby boy 's 11 o ' clock feeding like I normally was . When I finally showed up , he was fussier than normal and was actually crying a bit . I quickly soothed him and apologized for not being there . Any time my son began to fuss or cry , she would show up and glare at me and give me this attitude as if I done something to cause him distress . In addition to that when I asked if I could hold my son during his feedings , which is what I and my husband always did , she acted as if it was too big of a hassle to do that . And even though the lactation nurse had put in our son 's file that we were allowed to do non nutritional breastfeeding , she refused to let me do that . Last , but not least , she kept removing things from our son 's incubator . We had brought him a little stuffed zero from home and kept it inside the incubator , but well out of our son 's reach so he wouldn 't smother himself on it . Any time I left to do go to the restroom or get something to eat , I would come back to find it , and my son 's lovey missing . I had won an opportunity to see the fist episode of Outlander that evening , so my mother and law and I went off to see it while my husband stayed behind . Apparently the nurse did not give him any problems - but then he 's a big intimidating guy . However even he admitted that it was a relief when the shift change happened and the night nurse came on . The last time I posted was a little over a month ago , and , as you can see , a LOT has happened since then . At that time I had been in the hospital for 18 days , and , to my surprise , I was actually discharged to continue my bed rest at home the very next day since both I and the baby were stable enough ! Unfortunately , I was only at home for a grand total of 3 days before going back to the hospital for preterm labor again . They kept me for two more days , then released me yet again because the contractions had stopped and I and baby boy were stable . And then twelve hours later I was back at the hospital again for preterm labor ( So much for being ' stable ' right ? ) However , this time things were progressing far too quickly . So quickly , that the doctors told us they wouldn 't be able to stop it . At 4 : 53 pm on July 16th , my son was born You know , how a few months ago I said being pregnant was the greatest WIP ever ? I was wrong . Taking care of this this little guy is the greatest WIP ever ! Despite the fact that he was only 31 weeks and 4 days along when he was born , he is a strong and determined baby . We had been told by the NICU doctors that we wouldn 't be taking him home until his due date - well , he actually came home after 3 weeks and 2 days ! Even though he 's doing well , I 'm still having some issues . During labor I hemorrhaged and then last week I began to hemorrhage again ! Another hospital stay and a blood transfusion later and I 'm doing much much better - however it looks like I 'll be going in for surgery next month ( pending insurance approval ) . The doctors ( both the ones I met during my various stays in the hospital , and the one I was seeing prior to everything going down ) believe that the cause of the preterm labor and my issues since then is a large fibroid hanging out in my uterus , and it needs to be removed pronto . Anywho , as a result of all these things going on I haven 't had much time to write ( now that things have calmed down , hopefully that 'll change ) . But I have been thinking a lot about an old nano project of mine . Since today 's date is the 13th , here are 13 sentences from the first chapter of that project . The vagrant had chosen to fall asleep across the wrong doorstep this time ; instead of being rudely awoken by a kick to the side and being told to move by a grumpy shop keep , he was pulled to his feet and shoved in the back of a wagon . It was crowded with other poor souls who stunk just as badly as he did , and one or two moaned in pain as he collided with them . Blinking away the last of his drunken haze , he was able to make out a man dressed in the uniform of the city guard shutting the door and locking it . He had heard rumors that the King had wanted to clean up the streets of Anglon 's capital , but this was a bit extreme . " Only if they 're still breathing when we get them to the docks . They won 't pay for dead ' uns . " Another guard poked the vagrant with the butt of his staff to make sure the man was still alive - as if his groan of pain hadn 't been a good enough sign . Long Beach Memorial is quite a maze . There 's the birthing center , the main hospital , and the children 's hospital . My husband and I were already familiar with the birthing center , and the hospital lobby , but the children 's hospital was a mystery to me . The volunteer explained that to reach the NICU we could go through the nursery ( only if we had a nurse with us though ) , or we could go down to the elevators , make a right down this one hallway , then a left , then another right , and there it was . Once at the NICU we had to sign in . Then we had to wash up at these old school sinks . You pressed a red button to turn on the water , and scrubbed up while the light was green , when the light turned yellow , you rinsed off , then dried off , and then you could enter the NICU nursery . Unfortunately , by the time we got there , they were getting ready to give our baby an umbilical IV . It 's a sterile procedure , so only those in hats and gowns were allowed to be near the incubator . My husband and I explained that I had only been able to see our son for a second after he was born , so the nurses made an exception and allowed us to take a peak at him before they got started . At 3 pounds , 15 ounces , our baby boy was tiny . However he was long , clocking in at 16 . 5 inches . Despite the loud cries he had made at birth , they had him on oxygen , and it was heartbreaking to see his little face covered up by the mask . I had thought the steroids had helped , but apparently not . After a couple of minutes the nurses ushered us out of the room and we headed back to the Post Partum ward . They had told me that I could come back in an hour or so , but my husband insisted I relax and get some sleep since I had been through so much . Plus , in the morning my nurse would be removing my IV , so it would be easier to get around since I wouldn 't be dragging an IV pole around . As much as I wanted to spend as much time in the NICU as possible , I listened to my husband 's advice and crawled back in to bed . I was able to nap a little before the night nurse came in and showed me how to pump and advised me that from here on out I would be pumping every three hours to establish a milk supply for my boy . He was too young to nurse right now ( babies don 't develop the coordination to suck , swallow and breathe at the same time until around 34 weeks ) but once he was stable they would be feeding him through a tube that went through his nose into his stomach , and they would need the milk then . After breakfast , and after the nurse had removed my IV , I headed back down to the NICU . At some point during the night , they had removed my son 's oxygen mask , and he was breathing room air without any issues . He was having some issues with his blood pressure , but he was responding well to his medication . Also , while they were giving him nutrients through his umblical IV , the doctors wanted to do something called a PICC line ( which is a more permanent form of an IV ) instead - but they wouldn 't do it until that afternoon when the PICC nurse was there . I stayed for two hours , before finally returning to my room in the Post Partum ward . I didn 't want to go , I would 've stayed there all day if I could have , but I needed to go to the restroom and it was almost lunch . Plus my Dad and Stepmom had brought breakfast for me since the hospital breakfast had been so disappointing . Once we were done we went back over to see our baby boy . The doctor stopped by and explained that they were worried about how red and bruised he was . They decided to start phototherapy to help prevent jaundice . By the next day more photo therapy lights had been added to baby boy 's bed . Apparently his jaundice levels had gone up over night . It was sad to see , but we weren 't very worried since most babies nowadays seem to develop jaundice and , as a preemie , baby boy was just more susceptible to it . Finally , since I was being discharged that day , the nurses allowed my husband and I an opportunity to hold our son . He was a bit fussy at first , which we suspect was because they had the oxygen sensor wrapped around his arm . The connector is heavy for a newborn ( heck its annoying for an adult to deal with ! ) so the nurse moved it to his leg instead and he calmed down quickly . We cuddled with him as long as they would allow , and then , with heavy hearts , we headed home . The next day we were up early and headed back down to the hospital . Just like the doctor had warned us , over night our baby boy had been moved to a new NICU nursery . Thankfully , this one was closer to the entrance of the Children 's hospital , so it was easier to get to . It was also much much newer and larger than the old NICU . The phototherapy seemed to be working . Our son was still very red , but it had faded a lot from the day before . Also the bruising on his forehead ( a battle wound from being born ) had faded , as had the red mark on his nose . He had also lost a little weight ( which happens with newborns ) . Thankfully it seemed to be mostly water weight as his swelling had gone down significantly . Sunday we went to church for the first time in a month . It felt soooo good to be out and doing something normal . Sadly , we couldn 't stay to chat with people afterwards because I had to run home and pump . But I 'm sure they understood . When we finally got to the hospital the nurse explained that as soon as his feedings reached the maximum the doctor had inputted into the system they would be removing our son 's PICC line . Which was good , because it was in an awkward spot on his arm . Whenever he bent it , the alarm would go off , and he hated having to keep his arm straight . He would cooperate for awhile , but it wasn 't long before he had wiggled around so much that the splint had fallen off . The nurse finally started placing a bean bag on his arm , but he was such a determined baby that he eventually figured out how to free himself from that . Since his jaundice levels were a little better , we were allowed to hold him while he was fed . I jumped at the chance for skin to skin time , and our son enjoyed being out of the incubator . He looked around , staring at his dad , then me , then back again . I hated having to put him back , but hopefully the phototherapy would be over soon . Monday was a bad day . I had posted something online talking about how my stay in the hospital had made it easier to get up every couple of hours to pump and not be tired . A friend commented that I should get used to it as I would never sleep again . A lot of people had actually said something similar to this ever since baby boy had been born - but this was the one comment that broke the camels back . Didn 't our friends understand that our son was in the hospital ? That we hadn 't been able to take him home like a normal baby because he had been so early ? That we would give anything to have him at home with us ? Every time someone made a comment like that it was like rubbing salt in the wound . I spent most of the morning bawling . I did better once we were at the hospital and I was able to hold our son , but then I had to leave early to go to a WIC appointment , and I was bawling once again - this time because I felt like I had been rushed and hadn 't been able to spend enough time with him . I went back after the appointment though , and finally calmed down when the nurse reminded us that we could visit whenever we wanted . The next day was a much better day . I was able to spend all day at the hospital , and my Mom and my Aunt finally got to meet our son . We went out to lunch afterwards , which was really nice . Also , baby boy was finally up to his maximum feedings , so they finally removed his PICC line . My son was free to wriggle around as much as he wanted to , and boy did he ever ! He kicked off his cover and stretched out his legs , enjoying his freedom . In addition to that , when it was time for his feedings , the nurse had me hold him , gave him his pacifer . She then took a tiny syringe full of a little extra of my breast milk , and would stick it into his mouth next to his pacifer and give him a few drops at a time . Baby boy loved it and happily sucked away . This was a pretty big deal since one of the big steps he had to conquer before going home was learning how to breast or bottle feed . Normally baby 's don 't pick up the coordination to suck , swallow and breath until they 're around 34 weeks . Baby boy was only 32 weeks adjusted ( one week old officially ) and they weren 't supposed to start working with him on breast or bottle feeding for another couple of weeks - but he was so smart he had figured it out on his own . The first time I had gone home I had been worried and stressed - this time I was happy and excited . The heat wave had ended , and I knew if things went down we could reach the hospital quickly . My husband and I also made plans to have friends come and visit so I wouldn 't be lonely any more . On the downside , my husband and his parents refused to let me leave the house - unless it was for the doctors office . No more going over to watch my husband feed our friends dogs . And going to church was out of the question - the doctors felt it was too far away if something went wrong . My husband and I quickly fell asleep that night , and I only woke up once or twice to go to the restroom . Around seven am my husband got up and got ready for work . I tried to go back to sleep , however my hips and back were once again protesting at laying down for so long . I tossed and turned some more before finally giving up . Since my in laws weren 't up yet , I fixed myself some cereal and set myself up on the recliner in the family room . Sitting there had helped my back before , and I was hopeful it would do so again , but , sadly , the pain only seemed to get worse . I finally broke down and took a Tylenol , and when that didn 't work I hopped in the shower . I knew I should go to the hospital . The doctors had made it very clear that I was to do so whenever I felt contractions , after all . However , these weren 't that intense . I decided to follow my one nurse 's advice and drink some more water . I would give it 30 minutes to see if it worked , and if it didn 't , then I would go to the hospital . My mother in law was getting ready to go to a memorial with my father in law . I poked my head into their bedroom and told them what was happening . She quickly decided that she would take me to the hospital and my father in law would go to the memorial - she just needed to get her shoes on and grab her purse and then we 'd be on our way . I called my husband and let him know what was going on . He asked if I thought he needed to leave work . At first I said no , but then quickly changed my mind when he asked again . Yes , I definitely wanted him there , especially since he often remembered things I didn 't , and even if he didn 't , looking at him usually prompted my memory . My MIL drove as fast as she could without breaking the law . Thankfully since it was after 10 , traffic wasn 't too bad , and we made it to the hospital in 30ish minutes . She parked outside of the Birthing Center at Long Beach Memorial , helped me out of the car and inside and then moved the car so she wouldn 't get a parking ticket . Unfortunately , there was a bit of an issue with the elevators . The first elevator I got in wouldn 't move . The doors would open , but when you hit the button to go up , it just sat there . Thankfully I was able to get out and get in another elevator that actually worked . Once I reached the second floor , where the birthing center was located , I let the nurses at the admitting desk know what was going on . They checked me in and explained that they would call my name in just a few minutes . However , before either of them could show up , a nurse was calling me into the triage area . I followed her back , and changed into a hospital gown . By the time I had given the nurse a urine sample , my husband and mother in law finally showed up ( it turned out that the security guard had told her to go to the ER to wait for some reason ) . The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and we all settled back to wait . By now the contractions were getting closer together and were far more intense . In fact they were easily on par with the ones I had experienced the first time they had put me on Magnesium Sulfate ! I gripped my husband 's hand and tried to breath through them , but I desperately wanted something to make the pain go away . I complained to my husband that they should stop trying to call her and just give me something . Surely they could ask one of the other doctors ! After all , they were all familiar with me and my situation ! I also asked my husband why we had decided to do this having a baby thing . I thought I asked in a reasonable tone of voice in an attempt to make my husband laugh . Apparently , according to him and my mother in law , I actually yelled it . It 's around this time that I suggested that he call my family and let them know what was going on . He borrowed my phone and did so , letting my Mom , Aunt , and Cousin know . Unfortunately he wasn 't able to get in contact with my Dad . A new nurse replaced the old nurse and asked how my pain levels were . I quickly let her know that the contractions were easily a 6 or a 7 , and that I was feeling a lot of pressure with every contraction . Also , I was pretty nauseous . So much so that when I sat up in an attempt to try to relieve some of the pain from the contractions , I actually ended up vomiting . That led to a rush of dampness down below , making me think that maybe I had wet myself . Dr M had been the doctor on call the night I went into preterm labor for the second time and had been involved in my treatment at the hospital ever since . He checked me again and confirmed that I was 100 % effaced , but to him it felt like I was 6 cm dilated , not 5 cm . Also , because of the fibroid I was bleeding more than your average pregnant woman in labor - which he had warned me would happen back during my first stay at the hospital . That explained the rush of dampness I had felt earlier . I asked again for pain killers , specifically morphine . One of the nurses had offered it to me when I had some back pain while I was in the high risk ward . I hadn 't taken it at the time because Tylenol easily fixed that problem , but surely I could have it now ? Sadly , no . The nurse told me that they couldn 't put me on morphine and magnesium at the same time as it was bad for the baby . As they moved me to a labor and delivery room , the nurse asked Dr M if they could do an epidural instead . He quickly agreed . I think that 's when it began to hit me that the baby was on it 's way . I mean , they wouldn 't give an epidural to just anyone right ? ( My husband tells me that Dr M told us the baby was on his way shortly after he checked my cervix , but I don 't remember that ) In the labor and delivery room I became nauseous and vomited once more . There was more dampness down below , and the nurse began regularly checking the big absorbpads they put under labor and delivery patients . She piled them up in the linen closet and weighed them - which made no sense to me at the time . She began to ask the normal questions - if I needed a blood transfusion would I want one ? Yes . If they needed a c - section , would I be okay with that ? Yup . What was my medical history ? My husband took care of that for me since I was so out of it . Could I sign this paper ? Not really - my IV was in my right hand this time - but I scribbled something down that vaguely resembled my signature . Getting back up into a sitting position , and moving to the side of the bed so the anesthesiologist could do his thing took far longer than I expected it would due to the constant contractions and their intensity . I finally made it though , and leaned against the little stand they had put there . I felt the three shots as he numbed the area , and then nothing , and then suddenly my legs began to tingle , and the contractions weren 't nearly as bad as they had been before . I told the nurse that after the anesthesiologist left and she showed me that there was a button I could hit to get more pain killers added to the epidural . I hit the button and nothing happened . The little screen for the epidural just gave me a big no sign . I showed the nurse and she realized that the anesthesiologist hadn 't hooked up the epidural catheter to the IV . She had him come back and connect the two , plus he gave me an extra push . When he left I clicked the button again to confirm that it was working like the nurse said it would . It did . Between that and what the anesthesiologist had given me , life was good . I could still feel the pressure of each contraction , but there was no pain . Dr R popped in around this time to see how I was doing . She was another doctor I had dealt with during my various stints in the hospital . She was the one who showed up every morning to see how I was doing and to give me an update on what the hospital 's plan for treating me was . She was really nice , and reminded me a lot of my original OBGYN , Dr H . I absolutely adored her and was glad to see her . She finally explained what we all knew - baby boy was on his way . I had dilated too far too quickly and there was just no way to stop the labor . ( Meanwhile , apparently Dr M was out in the lobby trying to convince my family that they were trying to stop it . . . ) At this point the magnesium was to protect the baby from any brain bleeds or other trauma , and they were adding penicillin to my IV since I had tested positive for Group B Strep ( which is harmless to adults , but could be bad for the baby ) Since I could talk again without having to pause every two minutes for a contraction , my family slowly trickled in to visit . I pointed out to my cousin and anyone else who would listen how my legs couldn 't stop shaking . Apparently this is normal during labor , but I had never heard of it before and was kinda fascinated by it . I also kept telling everybody how the baby was already on his way - which they knew . Now in addition to feeling pressure with each contraction , I also felt the need to push . It was faint at first , but rapidly growing stronger . I let the nurse know and my mother in law ran out and grabbed my husband . By then the nurse had checked me and said that she could only feel the amniotic sack . She wasn 't sure if that meant that I was fully dilated , or if the membranes were just bulging , so she called Dr R back into the room . Dr R checked me and agreed that I was fully dilated . Unfortunately , while she checked me , another contraction hit , and the urge to push had only gotten stronger . I tried not to push , but it happened anyways , and my water burst all over the poor doctor . I apologized , but she shrugged it off , saying that she had had worse things happen . Dr R stood up , told the nurse to set up the bed , and rushed over to the linen closet between the rooms to get ready . The nurse lowered the bed so that I was flat on my back , and raised the stirrups - which were not what I was expecting . I had thought that they would look like the normal stirrups you see at the OBGYN 's - no these cupped your entire calf . Since my legs were weak from the epidural , the nurse helped me raise them up and get them in to place . My husband and I had never taken a birthing class . We had thought that we would have more time to do so . That said , it 's amazing how my body knew what to do - I grabbed my calves like the doctors suggested and with every contraction I gave into the need to push and pushed ! The only problem was that I seemed to be out of sync with the doctors . When Dr M wanted me to push , I wanted to take a breather . When Dr M wanted me to take a breath , I wanted to push . At some point Dr R told me that I was close and asked if I wanted to feel the head . I declined the opportunity because I was afraid of it ruining my focus and rhythm . Also , the idea kinda grossed me out . My husband cut the cord and took pictures , I asked him if the name we liked fit him and my husband thought it did . Then the NICU group wrapped him up , gave me a quick glimpse of him , and put him inside of the portable incubator they had brought with them . They rushed him off , with my husband hurrying after them to see which NICU he was being put in ( Long Beach has two ) and to get his measurements . Dr R was cleaning me up when I overheard the nurse make a call to have housecleaning come in to clean things up . Apparently I had made quite a mess that my husband later compared it to something out of a horror show . Come to find out , I hadn 't just been bleeding heavily like Dr M had warned me - I 'd actually been hemorrhaging ! That explained why the nurse had been weighing the absorb pads ! Thankfully it wasn 't bad enough that I needed a blood transfusion though , but I would need to take iron supplements when I was discharged . In addition to that , while delivering the afterbirth , the doctors discovered that my placenta had begun to separate from the uterine wall - which is called placenta abrupta , and is very dangerous for both mother and baby - and had begun to disintegrate . Had labor gone on any longer , Baby Boy would have gone into distress and they would have had to do a c - section on me . The doctors decided that the placenta abrupta hadn 't happened until I was pushing , or just before I had started pushing , as my baby had been fairly stable throughout everything . Then , after he had cleaned himself up , Dr M stopped by to discuss my fibroid . They still believed that it was the cause of all my problems and that it should be removed ASAP ( No duh ) . I had thought that they wouldn 't be able to remove it for at least three or four months , but Dr M said that they could do it within 6 to 8 weeks . They 'd extend my medical leave to give me time to recover from that , but he figured that my work would rather have me out for an extended period of time rather than go back and have to go out on medical again a couple of months later . Because of when everything had gone down , we were very close to the changing of shifts . The nurse explained that I could either hang out in the labor and delivery room , eat dinner , and then be transferred over to Post Partum once the change happened , or I could go now and eat my dinner there . Either way I had to get up and walk to the restroom before they could transfer me . The nurse helped me sit up , and then stand . My legs were still a little tingly from the epidural - which had been turned off for almost an hour by this point - and the magnesium always makes you a little shakey on it 's own , but I was able to walk over to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet without any issues . Then , once the nurse finished cleaning me up a second time ( Here I thought my modesty had gone out the window during my first week in the hospital . Nope . Now my modesty was officially done ) I got up again , walked over to the wheelchair another nurse had brought in for us , and sat down . She wheeled me over to the Post Partum area and helped me into my room . I had been looking forward to having a private room again and having my husband stay with me , but since so many women had had babies that week , they were forced to double us up . They made sure to keep NICU moms with NICU moms though , which was nice , and hey , at least I didn 't have a possessed bed this time ! After my birthday , my husband and I decided not to ask the Doctors any more about the possibility of me going home . It seemed like every time we did , something would happen - first there was the preeclampsia , then our baby 's antics on my birthday . We didn 't want to risk something else happening . However , the Doctors kept bringing it up ! First Dr B said that if I continued to stay stable , they might consider it at the end of the week . Then another doctor mentioned it . Finally one doctor told us that she had heard from another that I was getting antsy about going home , and restated that that would not be happening any time soon . That last bit irked me , because neither my husband nor I had mentioned me going home since my birthday - so where had they gotten the idea that I was demanding to go home ? Unless maybe one of the nurses had seen one of my bouts of homesickness and mentioned it to the doctors - but I hadn 't felt homesick since before my birthday ! I had finally accepted that I was here for the long haul and had begun to settle into my room . It also helped that my husband had brought my laptop , and friends had brought in yarn and books , so I had more things to do instead of just watching TV and playing around on my phone . On Tuesday , one of the doctors mentioned sending a physical therapist up to teach me some exercises that were safe for me to do . Even though I was on bed rest , they didn 't want my muscles to atrophy . Plus , I was having back issues from laying down all the time , so they thought that that might help me out . I was intrigued . Wouldn 't a pool be a bad idea since I was 4cm dilated ? The doctors quickly reassured me that it wouldn 't be , since my waters hadn 't broken , and it would be so low impact that it shouldn 't cause any other issues . Unfortunately I would only be able to use it twice a week - but it would break up the monotony of being stuck in bed all day . However , pool therapy was not to be . On Thursday , after 19 days of being in the hospital , and being told repeatedly that I wouldn 't be able to leave until after the baby was born , the doctors changed their minds about sending me home and decided to discharge me . Our baby was still having dips here and there , but they were no where nearly as bad as they were before . Also it had been a week and a half since I had had any contractions . The doctors didn 't see the point of keeping me because things were so stable , and they weren 't doing anything special for me there that I couldn 't do at home . The only caveat was that I was still on bed rest and only allowed to go to the bathroom , take quick showers , and fix myself something to eat . I would come back to the hospital twice a week for non stress testing , and I would be seeing one of the doctors at least once a week at their clinic down the street . Also because I was 4cm dilated , the doctors explained that I would need to come back at the first sign of any problems . Contractions ? Come back . Suspected water breaking ? Come back . Baby not moving enough ? Come back . As soon as I stepped in the door , I picked up my cats and hugged them tightly . Murphy was unimpressed by my presence , but Connor cat began to purr up a storm . Then I retreated to my bedroom where I changed into something more normal and turned on the AC ( we were in the middle of a heat wave ) . When my husband came home from work , we hugged and I cried a little , and then we retreated to the family room to sit in the recliners and talk a little . I 'd had a rough night where I kept waking up every couple of hours in pain . Each time I would lay there wondering if it was a contraction or just the normal aches and pains of pregnancy . It was always nothing , but I began to worry about what would happen if something did go wrong . At the hospital all I had to do was press a button if there was an emergency . At home , I would have to wake up my husband , and then we had at least a 30 minute drive . In addition to that , after my husband left for work , I felt so lonely . Yes I had my inlaws to talk to , but I didn 't want to bother either of them any more than the occasional request for water or food . At the hospital I constantly had nurses , doctors and volunteers walking in and out of my room . Also my friends and family would come and visit me fairly regularly . Now that I was home , who knew when I might see someone other than my husband or my inlaws . We had told them that they were more than welcome to visit , but they were being so quiet . In retrospect , they were probably just giving me time to settle in - but when you 're emotional , you 're rarely rational . After my husband came home we talked everything out and I quickly realized I was just being silly - but then I began to bawl because I was being so ridiculous , and even though I knew I was still being ridiculous , I couldn 't stop bawling . My husband reminded me that we had been through so much that it was bound to get to me eventually . Also , there were these pesky things called pregnancy hormones that were not helping matters either . He was right , of course . Everything was fine , I was just stressed from everything that had happened , and the pregnancy hormones weren 't really helping matters . My friends weren 't ignoring me , they were just busy with their own lives . And I was crazy to think I was a bother to my in laws - they wanted me there and they wanted to help us . Things would get better . Thankfully I was able to get some more sleep that night . Since the next day was Saturday , my husband was home all day , leaving my side only to get lunch . Instead of laying in bed , I got up and sat in a recliner , which helped my back , and , my cousin and grandma came to visit . They didn 't stick around long because they didn 't want to tire me out , but it was good to see them . Since the doctors had said I could go out for short drives , that afternoon my husband and I went over to a friends house whom he was pet sitting for and fed their dogs . My father in law was worried that one of the dogs might jump on me , but our friends dogs had seemed to sense from the very beginning that I was pregnant and had always been very careful around me and protective of me . Besides , they were short dogs , so if they tried to jump on me the highest they could reach was my knees ! The next day my husband and I lounged on the couch all afternoon , only leaving the house to go and feed my friends dogs again . On the way home my husband stopped at Fresh and Easy and picked up dinner . Nothing was on TV so we turned on Netflix and started watching some documentary about one of Henry the VIII 's castles . And then I noticed that I was starting to have cramping again . Cramping that quickly escalated into contractions . They weren 't very painful , but after watching the clock for awhile , I decided that since they weren 't going away that it was time to go back to the hospital like the doctors had told me to do . Once there we were escorted into the triage area where I was hooked up to the monitors . One of the doctors confirmed that I was having contractions and that they were more frequent than they cared for . They decided that they would hook me up to the magnesium sulfate once again , and do another round of steroids to help our baby 's lungs develop even more . This time around I handled the magnesium better than the first two times . I still had the hot flashes , but I was more coherent , and I didn 't have any hallucinations . However I wasn 't able to get much sleep because the vampires had to keep drawing my blood every couple of hours . The next morning my Mom and Aunt came to visit , as did my Dad . The nurses who remembered me were sad to see that I was back , and cracked jokes about how I must have missed the hospital food . I replied that I knew they missed how my husband fixed coffee , so I had brought him back for them . They laughed and agreed that they had missed that , and while they were sad to see I was back , they were glad that he would be making coffee for them once more . Once my husband was done with his appointment , he came down to the hospital and quickly passed out on the pull out chair . We had planned for him to spend the night , but around 10 that night a nurse came in and told us that they would be moving me to a different room . Apparently they had had a sudden rush of pregnant women in labor and they needed the room I was in . The high risk ward was also full , but post partum had some open beds , so they were moving the more stable high risk patients over there for the night . Sadly my new bed , while more comfortable than a labor and delivery bed , was possessed . First the bed under my feet would inflate , then decrease . Then the section under my hips . Then my butt . Then my body , Then my head . It would buzz and vibrate as it did this , driving even my new roommate nuts . Between that and the nurses coming in to check on myself and my roommate every couple of hours , sleep was impossible . By the time the doctors came to check in on me in the morning , I was begging to be moved to another mattress . Sadly there still was no room in the high risk ward , but they were hopeful that they might be able to discharge some patients by that afternoon . If not , then they would try to move us back over to labor and delivery since they didn 't like us being so far away if something happened . I 'm a customer service representative and an author . During the day I help customers out with their issues . At night I work on finishing my first novel , an adult novella , and a couple of other side projects that have been plaguing me since high school . View my complete profile |
It snowed last week sort of heavy , with big flakes . Then it rained . A few days later it snowed with small light flakes that never made it to the ground . There was a light breese that blew them all around . Between the two snows we had about an inch of snow . It must have rained last night , the snow is all gone . It is the end of February and we haven 't had a good snow yet . we shoveled once this year . We have had a decent amount of rain . We were working on names for our Blog last night . Here are some that we thought of but didn 't like : " is this a bad haircut ? " , " We found the remote " and " I 'm texting your dog " . Then it all broke down into all silliness . We got Maggie 's Bible cover and backpack . What a relief . She has a very large Bible so we took it with us to find a cover . My advice was to get a cover with a handle and a pocket . We found a store that has a few choices and good prices . Maggie went through the choices , unzipping them to see if her Bible would fit . She found one that she liked . It has an outer pocket , a handle and a place for two pens . She was very happy to have found a Bible cover . We went to another store to get a backpack on wheels . We found a large duffel bag on wheels . It is as big as her current backpack . She opened it up to make sure that all of her things would fit in it . She tried all of the zippers and the arm that pulls out when it is being rolled . Maggie made her choice of colors , blue , and we took the bag home . We made s ' mores last night . Beth didn 't want to make any . Maggie heated up her marshmallow in the microwave . She said that it would take less time and leave less of a carbon footprint . William and I got sticks from the backyard and toasted the marshmallows over the flame on the stove . William whittled a few sticks so that they had points . It smelled like camping in the kitchen . I said that we should all get our sleeping bags and sleep in the living room . The kids said that if they were ten years old , that would be fun . Toasting a marshmallow takes a lot of skill . It was hard to get one to toast and not burn . Beth did come in later and toast a marshmallow over the stove . Today is Ash Wednesday . Our new church doesn 't have an Ash Wednesday service . On a normal Sunday they have four almost full services . If they had an Ash Wednesday service , they would need to have it four times . I understand , but I still miss the service . Maybe next year we can find a church to go to for Ash Wednesday . The girls are at Bible study tonight . Our snowdrop flowers have sprouted , and are blooming in the front yard . They are very pretty . The ones in the backyard and side yards haven 't sprouted yet . Maggie needs a new backpack and a Bible cover . We are going shopping for them this weekend . Her backpack is still good , but she has to carry so many things to school that it is too heavy . She has wanted a backpack with wheels for a long time , but all of the ones on wheels are small backpacks . A friend of hers at school has a suitcase on wheels that he uses . It seems to be OK at her school , no - one makes fun of him , so Maggie feels comfortable getting one . She is very excited . She will only need to pick it up to get it in and out of the house and car and up and down the stairs at school . We have been looking for a Bible cover , but her Bible is so big that we haven 't found one so far that will fit . We will look again this weekend . This spring we are not going to get any chickens . We had chickens last year , and after about a year we gave them to a friend . It was a nice learning experience , but I need to be in the house right now . We still have the chicken coop , so we can get more chickens another time . Maggie had mentioned last week that she was ready to learn to drive . I found on the website what paperwork we needed to take in for her to take the written driving test . I am excited . I think that she will enjoy driving . When I told Maggie what paperwork was needed to take in and that we could go next weekend , she looked panicked . Maggie said that she couldn 't study for the driving test now since she has a big paper due this month . She said that she will let me know when she is ready . Posted by Maggie made a second rocket out of a two litter bottle for science class . She used more tape on the four fins and taped a paper plate onto the bottom of the bottle , which when shot is now the top . The top needed more weight . The changes worked . Her rocket shot up this time instead of to the side . She was very pleased with it . I have started exercising . I have a friend who was talking about wanting to exercise , so we are both going to exercise each day and check in with each other . We are both trying not to be the first one to drop out . I volunteered at a retreat at church this weekend . It was fun to serve . There were a lot of friends there that I usually don 't get to see . Maggie is trying to build a rocket out of an empty two liter bottle , for a school project . She taped four cardboard fins to the bottle and took it to school . They were launched in science class today . The goal was for the bottle rocket to shoot straight up . Maggies went off to the side . She got a new two litter bottle from her grandma today . The school will be launching rockets again tomorrow , so the kids have a chance to re - design their rockets . Maggie says that she needs to have a heavier cap . She is going to tape the four old fins onto the new bottle . She wants to make a heavier cap by taping a paper plate to the lid . She said that two kid 's rockets flew up , everyone elses went to the side . Beth is an Atheist . She doesn 't have beliefs in religion . I am not sure where the edges of her beliefs are , but she is sure that she doesn 't want to be baptized . Our new church baptizes people as adults . The church that we now go to has a Sunday night concert for junior high and high school kids . Beth did want to go to that , it is more loud music . . . Christian music , but loud music . . . than preaching . When Maggie decided to join the Bible study , Beth said " No " , it was not for her . That is OK with me . She should only go if it is something that she wants to do . At the Sunday night concerts , one of the girls started talking to Beth and invited her to the Bible study . Beth 's is separate from Maggie 's , they are grouped by grade . Beth said that she would try it out . The first time that Beth went , I asked her to observe a little and not start out by telling them that they are all wrong . The friend said that it was OK if Beth was an atheist and the welcomed discussion and other points of view . Beth wasn 't happy after the first time that she went . She said that they were all wrong about everything , but she hadn 't said much because I had asked her to observe . Beth decided to go back a second time . She was beginning to get to know the kids . The second week she did join into the discussion . She didn 't come out any happier . About two weeks ago she came out of Bible study and said that she was never going back . She is a teenager so she didn 't tell me any more than that . I didn 't ask why . I said that it was OK and I trusted her judgement . The next week she went back , not mentioning the prior week . When Beth was done she said that the kids had been happy to see that she had decided to come back . The next day one of the kids texted Beth and said , could she be Beth 's texting buddy and send her Bible verses every day and Beth could text her and tell her why each verse was all wrong and the girl said that it was OK with her to debate about the verses . Beth thought that this sounded fun . The friend is following through and sending the Bible verses . Beth texts her right back with how they are wrong . Last week Beth came out from Bible study and said that they had had a forty - five minute discussion where they had debated about Christianity , Beth had said how it was wrong . Beth said that she thought that she had won . Last Sunday at the church concert one of the kids from her Bible study introduced her to a boy who had been an Atheist and was now a Christian . They talked for a while . He said that he had read a book that had really helped him to become a Christian . I don 't know the name of the book . I will share it when Beth finds out the title . The boy asked Beth if he brought in the book , would she read it ? She said yes . Maybe he will have the book next week . I am hoping that little by little God is working in Beth 's heart , through all of these people so that Beth can become a believer . Maggie 's school is pre - selling yearbooks . She is taking in the money tomorrow . She will keep the receipt . In junior high one year , they didn 't record that she had paid for a yearbook and they didn 't have any extras . Luckily we had the receipt , so Maggie did get one . Beth 's school hasn 't said anything about yearbooks yet . The girls and I are selling candy bars to pay for the girl 's mission trip to New Orleans this summer . Sales are going slowly , but we are still trying . We have a few more months to keep selling . For Valentines Day yesterday , we bought pizza and watched " Lord of the Rings " while we ate . I know that it was a school night , but one night in front of the T . V . won 't hurt . Our church is having a retreat this weekend . I am not going on the retreat , but I am hoping to go Saturday night to help . Our vacuum cleaner died . We vacuumed the house Saturday . The kids said that it didn 't sound good the last time that they used it . I had just finished the house when the motor started to get really loud . There is a vacuum cleaner shop down the street that we have used before . We have a lot of hair in our house , so we go through a lot of vacuums . William and Beth got haircuts this weekend . William needed new tennis shoes too . Maggie was glad to stay home . She had a lot of homework to do this weekend . She has been working on the big paper that she has to write . Also , she has an empty two litter bottle that she is making into a rocket for science class . They have a lot of math to do for the rocket project , like figuring out how fast and far it will go . I think that they will go outside and launch them . I don 't know what other homework Maggie has . Maggie turned in the rough draft of her paper on Friday . She was relieved to have it done . I think that the final project is due this month . Maggie thinks that it is due in March . Valentines Day is this week . My kids are in college and high school now so we don 't get the packs of cards for them to give out at school . When Beth was in the seventh grade she took in cards and gave them to her friends , but she was in junior high , so there was no party . We talked about learning Morse code last night at dinner . William had nothing to say about it , wheather he would learn it or not . Maggie is ready to learn it . She goes over each time that she sees another letter up and begins to memorize it . Beth says that her life is already full enough with school and friends . She is not learning it . She can do all of the sign language letters by memory . Beth says that this is enough . We now have the letter " C " up . I am still trying to learn the letter " A " . William noticed that if we have the family tree up on one wall and the Morse Code on another wall , he doesn 't think that it will all fit . He thinks that I should put all of the Morse Code on one paper and be done with it . It would be quicker and take up less room . . I said that if the Morse Code starts to take up too much room we can always re - write it to one sheet . . I like having one letter go up each week , it gives us time to absorb it . I like going on vacation with my kids . There was one summer when the kids were young , we couldn 't afford to go any where . What we did was to get a map of our town . We found our street on it , where their grade school was , where the church was and we looked at which streets we drove down to get to each place . We also looked at which way was north and south . Then we looked at where some of the playgrounds were in town . We found playgrounds in parks and at schools . Each Saturday we would get out the map and figure out which parks we had already been to and where we should go to next . We went to different parks all summer . We kept the map in a spot where the kids could get to it . Sometimes on Saturday morning they would get the map out and look over it . They would try to remember which parks we had gone to and decide where we should go to next . One would say " We have been to that one already , don 't you remember , it had all of the swings . " or " it had the best slide . " In the end we were taking containers of water with us . I thought about taking packed lunches and making a full day out of the trip , but we never knew if there would be a bathroom at each play area , so I never promised a full day . By the time that it got cold out we had other activities to do on Saturdays . We had seen a lot of play areas , but there were a lot of ones that we didn 't have time to get to . When we were out and driving around town in the summer and we spotted a playground , we would try to remember if we had already gone to that one or if we should try to go to it next . There was usually a lot of debate . If the playground only had a slide and a few swings then it never made the list of possible choices . This was the best , cheapest and longest summer vacation that we ever went on . Maggie talked to a teacher today about her thesis statement for her project . The teacher had told her yesterday that her thesis statement was a statement and not something that needed to be prooven . Her thesis statement needs to be something that she prooves . The first rough draft is due this Friday . Today she had a chance to talk to the teacher and fix her statement . Her paper needs to be six pages long . Maggie has started to write the paper even though the thesis statement problem needs to be worked out . The kids noticed the Morse Code " A " on the wall at dinner the other day . They weren 't excited . They asked why it was on the wall . They said " Didn 't we learn this already ? " I said that we had only gotten a few letters into the alphabet when we took them down to sell the house . The kids don 't want to learn Morse Code on purpose , but if the letters are on the wall , maybe the kids will learn Morse code by just seeing it all of the time . I would like to learn this language too . Sometimes I teach the kids things , but I don 't really learn it . With this , when I walk past the letters , I am going to make an effort to say the letter and the symbol each week . Happy Valentines Day ! ! ! We are trying to find a new name for this Blog . I would like to name it something that doesn 't have a name in it . Most people either have cute names or names that describe what they write about , like " Frugal Mom " or Circus Life " . We are trying to re - name it as a family but we can 't come to any agreement . We have thought of a few names like " this is how we grow " and " are we there yet ? " , but we all don 't like any of them . If anyone has some suggestions for a name , that are " G " rated and describes our blog , please comment them . Since I was writing about Morse Code , it seamed like a good idea to start learning it again . I got some notebook paper and cut the sheets in half and put one letter and it 's symbol on each sheet . I also wrote up the numbers . The letter " A " is now hanging on the dining room wall . It 's symbol is " . _ " The rest of the pages are in my room . The goal is to put up one new letter a week . The kids can tell me if that is too fast or slow . This is the first picture added to the blog ! Very exciting ! ! ! I don 't have any plans for after church today . It would be nice to lay out my clothes for next week The kids get their clothes together each weekend , but sometimes I don 't get to it . About two weeks ago , on the weekend , I got my clothes together and planned the meals . The next week was so nice . It is always such a relief to have some things done ahead , but sometimes I just don 't get to it . Posted by We haven 't done anything with the family tree on the dining room wall lately . Maggie has printed her family tree from the computer . What we should do is write the names and relationships on papers and hang them up . The reason that we stopped is that we didn 't have any pictures of the next generation . We could hang up names and when we get pictures we can add them in . This would keep the project moving . I need to finish updating the calendar . It was started at the end of December . The appointments have been added , but the repetitive events are not on it yet . I need to go through it again , month by month , looking at last years calendar and finish it . Also the dinner jobs need to be written in the corner . Their dinner jobs are , napkins , silverware and drinks . The kids keep the job for a month and then switch . They are written on the corner of each month of the calendar because we can 't remember each month who has what job , much less to remember them day to day . My dinner job each day is to make dinner . The kids do help make dinner now and then . Posted by I have almost filled my journal . I went out last Friday to the Hallmark store by my house to get another one . The store must have moved . There was another store in its spot . I like writing in a journal , then the kids can have them when they grow up . Since the Hallmark store had moved I went to the Christian Book Store , to find a journal . They had a lot of choices , but they were all printed in China . I wanted one that was made in America . The cashiers said that they didn 't know which , if any , were made in America . I did find one . It was the " Max Lucado Journal - Outlive Your Life . " At Christmas the local newscaster had a challenge for our town . Could all of us , when we bought our Christmas presents for people , give at least one present that was made in America ? This challenge was more difficult than I thought it would be . There aren 't many things in the stores that are made in America . The kids each received one present that was made in America . Posted by The kids are required now to take a foreign language in college . We don 't know any foreign languages . Maggie and Beth both took spanish in grade school . At home , for a while , we were playing a CD of Chinese language lessons while we ate dinner . I had hoped that we would learn some Chineese from it . We didn 't . We also tried to learn Morse code . I don 't think that the kids could take this in college , but it was fun . It is dots and dashes . I took a piece of writing paper and put an " A " on it and the Morse code for " A " under it and taped it to the wall . We found the code in the encyclopedia . The next week I hung up the paper for " B " . After the kids learned all of them I was going to give them treasure hunts using Morse Code . I know that Morse Code isn 't often used , but any time that they are learning it is good . We didn 't finish learing the whole alphabet because we were going to move and they had to come off of the wall . We have also tried to learn sign language . At one of the teacher supply stores we got a sign language poster . We have it in the dining room . Some of the kids picked up the alphabet very quickly . I am trying really hard with it . We need to start learning it again , this would be a good choice for a college class . Maggie has a big paper due soon . The teacher is going to give them the details of what is required on Monday . The first rough draft , typed , is due on Friday and I think that the paper is due this month . The kids can do a paper , web site , documentary or they have a few other choices . They take their project to the local University and compete against other schools . Maggie got her books about a month ago . We have already renewed them once . The kids had to take their books to school last week to do their bibliography . Maggie wants to do a web page . She has her topic . Once the teacher gives the guidelines on Monday then she can start working on it . She will be relieved to have it done . The kids switched household jobs again , since this is the first of the month . William is now the laundry person , Maggie has dishes for the first half of the month and Beth is on break . It was tough for Maggie to do homework and the dishes last month ( we do have a dishwasher ) , but she got through it . We have a map of the world on our dining room table . There is a big sheet of clear plastic over it . ( I like the plastic from the painting areas at the store . They are big , thick and inexpensive ) The corners of the plastic are taped down around the under side of the table so that the map and plastic stays in place . When we first started doing this we had a map of our town on the table . We put it there at about the same time that we started using a map to see where all of the play areas were in town ( see post from two days ago ) . Now we have a map of the world . I currently sit by California . William is by Russia . Maggie sits by the North Pole and Beth sits by the South Pole . I would like to put a map of the Universe on the table , but I haven 't found a cheap one . The map of the world is useful . If we hear something on the news about another country , we can find it on the map . Posted by Inside an Insane Mind left a comment . I can 't access your blog . Can you please leave your web site ? Thank you for thinking of me ! ! ! We went to a meeting at Maggie 's school the other day . All of the kids from her grade were there . It was like all of the kids and their parents going to the guidance counselor at the same time to see how they are doing . We got a copy of her high school and college transcripts and her standardized test scores . She is doing OK . We were told that the kids should look closely at their high school grade point average and standardized test scores and make sure that they are high enough to get them into their field or college at the University . The Principal said that they could be accepted into the University with lower scores , but when it came time to apply to their college , like the College of Engineering , they may need higher scores . When we got home Maggie got online and found out what GPA and test scores she would need to be able to apply . I explained that the scores that were on the web site were the minimum scores to apply . If everyone else has higher scores than her she might not be accepted . We hadn 't thought about that before . Now she has some numbers to strive for . Maggie and Beth share a room now . So far it is working out well . The girls moved the rooms themselves . Since they didn 't want any help , I moved the boxes in the basement so that they aren 't in front of the shoe shelf . We need to sort through the shoes on the shelf and have the kids get rid of everything that doesn 't fit . It will be nice to get all of the extra shoes out of the kitchen and onto the shoe shelf . We went to the mission trip meeting at church . There were a lot of kids there . The meeting was about how to raise money for the trip , what the kids would see and do on the trip and they had time for the families to ask questions . It looked very organized to me . They did say that everyone should go with an open mind because sometimes plans do change . If the supplies don 't show up or if they had planned on an outside project and it starts to rain , everything changes . They said that everyone needs to be ready to make an adjustment without complaining . The girls each saw someone that they knew at the meeting . I was glad about that since we are still so new to the church . The girls want to go on a mission trip with the church to New Orleans . We got them boxes of candy bars to start selling to pay for the trip . We know that Beth is allowed to sell candy at her school . Maggie is going to check Monday and see if she can sell candy too . We are going to move Beth 's bed into Maggie 's room . They like to be in the same room , and Beth 's room has the old style of outlets , so Beth can 't plug anything in . I am not sure that this will work , but we will try it . When I asked Maggie what she thought about moving Beth into her room she said yes right away . . Maggie started yesterday moving her things . . . book shelf , toys , table . . . into her closet . She said that she would rather have these things in her closet than in Beth 's room . Posted by William and I put plastic on the last window in the living room yesterday . It is cold out finally , so it couldn 't be put off any longer . It got really cold on Thursday night . In the morning , all of the pipes were OK except for the one going to the tub . Only a small trickle of water would come out . The bathroom is built over a crawl space . There is a vent in the crawl space that leads outside . We have Styrofoam on the outside of the house in this vent to keep the cold air out of the crawl space . We take the Styrofoam out when the weather turns nice in the spring . If we didn 't take it out , then there would be mold in the crawl space . We also have the door to the crawl space open to the basement and a screen over the opening . Then we have an infrared light in there all winter . The bulb in the light burned out Thursday night . In the morning the water barely came out of the pipe . I took the hair dryer to the basement and began blowing hot air into the crawl space . I am not saying that this is the correct way to thaw a pipe . I have heard of people who have done this and have had the pipe split which made a big mess and cost a lot of money to fix . This is just how I thaw a pipe . When it was time to leave , there was more water coming out of the faucet but it wasn 't totally unblocked . Beth was home for the day . Her school had the day off . When the water pipe began to freeze up later , she went every ten to fifteen minutes and turned the water on . We can 't leave it on because our tub only has an " on " and an " off " , not a " slower " and a " faster " setting . She also took an electric heater to the basement and put it by the crawl space opening . She checked that a lot too to make sure that it wasn 't overheating anything in the basement . The pipe didn 't freeze . Beth did a great job handling this for us . We got a new light bulb and within an hour or two the pipe was unfrozen . We need to get a back - up light bulb . |
Boundless Joy Arising Ten years ago , my husband and I traveled 5 , 000 miles to Perm , Russia to adopt a 14 month old baby girl . We traveled 5 , 000 miles back home with her to Boston . And then our journey really began . . . Friday : My husband , Yelena and I had a nice dinner together and watched a movie . I noticed a bracelet that I had never seen before sitiing on the coffee table and asked Yelena where it came from . She said that a friend gave it to her . I asked which friend . She finally said C . So I asked if it was OK if I called C 's Mom to check and she said NO . She said she found it on the ground at school and we asked why she had not turned it into the lost and found . Meltdown . Finally got her to bed after an hour of screaming . Saturday : We have two exchange students from Mexico living with us . It is my only source of income at the moment and we really enjoy having them but as far as Yelena is concerned it was a big mistake . She is intensely jealous of them and any time we spend with them or attention that we give them . Apparently , Yelena was in the Mexican girls room Saturday morning . They asked her to leave and then they closed their door and she started to knock on the door for awhile and shoot rubber bands at the door . She thought it was funny but eventually stopped . They were freaked out by her behavior . My husband gave the girls his cell phone and told them to call us if anything like that happens again . Yelena went for a playdate with a friend from her old school . When she came home , her friends Mom came up to the door and said that Yelena had said that she didn 't want her to come in and that she just wanted to be dropped off . We were curious as to why she didn 't want her to talk to us . Her friends Mom said they had a great time and Yelena was well behaved and that she spent the $ 10 . 00 she had on Yugioh cards . My husband and I looked at each other - Did you give her $ 10 . 00 ? No . Did you give her $ 10 . 00 ? No . We asked Yelena where she got the money from . I told her that if she told me the truth quickly there would be less of a consequence than if she didn 't tell me for awhile . She was supposed to go out to a movie and I said if she told me what happened she could go ( mainly because I felt like we all needed time apart . ) She wrote me a note that said : " I took the money from your purse . Are you happy now ? " My husband was ready to call the Crisis Team . Sunday AM : While Yelena was taking a shower and getting ready for Hebrew School , I went into her bedroom and right in the middle of her bed in plain sight was my old wedding ring . She did not seem to have any recollection when she took it or where she took it from . It was also not hidden and placed in such a way that it was screaming : FIND ME . The plan that she did with the crisis team states as the goal : " Client will display good behavior within the next three days to be able to go to Thanksgiving in NY . " I wouldn 't have written it like that . . . Also , My husband said that Yelena said she wan 't sure she could do that . Today with her therapist , she said she didn 't want help that she just wanted us to send her to jail . This is the second weekend in a row that we have had the Crisis Team in our home . Last weekend , she " broke into " the Mexican girls room and stole a huge bag of left over Halloween candy and rifled through one of their purses . I say broke in because everyone now has combination locks on their doors and somehow she figured out the combination and went into their room . The stealing and lying has been escalating to epic proportions in the last few weeks . She doesn 't seem to have a lot of remorse or shame about it . She knows the rules about stealing and lying but somewhere there seems to be a disconnect between thought and action . The impulse seems so strong that it is not modified by any mere cognitive idea . We can 't leave her alone at all . She had her period recently and it could be hormonal or she needs her meds re - evaluted and tweaked . I don 't know . I just know that I am totally spent . I stopped at the grocery store the other day on the way home and Yelena decided to stay in the car and start on her homework . When I got back to the car , she had the passenger side sun visor in her hand and it was clearly broken . She was visibly distressed and said : " I 'm so sorry . It was an accident . I didn 't mean to do it . Are you going to be angry with me ? " I said " Well , I can 't say that it makes me really happy that it is broken . " Yelena responded angrily by saying " You blame me for everything ! All you want to do is get me in trouble ! " First , I want to thank my wife for documenting in this blog a diary of the special challenges and struggles that we as parents of adopted children face . These children have been hurt deeply in ways that many times we know nothing about and that happened before we even met them . I am the only father that Yelena has ever known and very often I feel powerless , inadequate and frustrated when my good intentioned efforts to love , nurture and to teach Yelena the basic skills necessary to function , form healthy relationships and to respect other 's property and feelings prove totally ineffective . On the contrary , my repertoire of efforts to parent , which come primarily from the ways I was parented , usually result in exacerbating Yelena 's tantrums and do not help her to connect any of her behaviors ( including stealing , playing with fire and threatening her mother and I with knives and fists ) with any consequences ( loss of privileges , chance to earn them back , etc . ) that follow . It seems that thus far , in the ongoing struggles to love and parent our daughter , any of the consequences that I try to enforce are taken in by Yelena as another justification that I am the " mean daddy " . All too often I take this in personally , become outraged ( I would never talk to my father that way ) , and argue with my wife about backing down from enforcing consequences such as , " Yelena , when you are punching us or waving a sharp object at us I will call the police and / or crisis team because that is unacceptable . " I feel deeply inside myself the frustration that taking Yelena 's behavior personally is not helpful and yet almost all of the time ( even though I am a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience ) , I have absolutely no idea in the moment what to do . Except to remember that twelve years ago in a far away land and for the first year and a half of her life Yelena was deeply hurt . Then she was taken away by two strangers in a big flying machine thousands of miles away to another far away land . When I remember this , it helpsLate Thursday night , it occurred to me that perhaps the reason that it helps me have compassion for my daughter is that in my life , I have been deeply hurt too . Posted by Saturday night Yelena had a sleepover with a friend and came home late Sunday evening . Monday morning she slept until 12 PM ! I can see her slipping into the teenage life . I think she was also really tired and had not slept much Saturday night . I didn 't wake her because I had a lot to do for our Passover Seder that night and I was grateful for the extra time . Yelena 's father had offered to take her out to the farm to see the chickens in the afternoon which she usually loves to do but she said that she would rather stay and help me . I was pleased that she wanted to do that so I suggested we clean up a little before we started cooking , wash dishes , empty the dishwasher , etc . She said she didn 't want to so I suggested she go upstairs and take a shower . I thought she had gone upstairs and about a half and hour later my cell phone rang with a number that I didn 't recognize . It was Yelena saying that she was at our next door neighbor playing with legos . She came home right before our company came , took a shower and put some nice clothes on . A little while later she came into the kitchen with her two friends who live down the street . I greeted them and asked where their Mom was and they said she wasn 't with them and I asked them how they got to our house and they said Yelena came and got them . She had to cross the street to go get them and she did not tell me she was leaving . I 'm not sure how to deal with her leaving the house without telling anyone … We had 13 people at our Seder which included 5 girls around Yelena 's age and of course Elijah which made 14 . Yelena didn 't get to bed until after 10 PM that night . Tuesday she went to a vacation program at the local Girl Scout Camp where she goes in the summer and loves . She had a therapist appointment on Tuesday afternoon so I picked her up a little early . When we got home she asked to watch a movie and I told her that she needed to do some homework before she watched any TV . For some reason , I think due to another impending round of MCAS , she got an inordinately large amount of homework over the vacation and they usually don 't get any home work over vacations . Yelena had done some of the work over the weekend . I had asked her to do a little bit every day before she was allowed to watch TV . She spent about 15 minutes and then came upstairs and said " Can I watch TV now ? " I asked to see the homework to make sure it was done and she showed me the pages which were incomplete and very carelessly done . It was obvious in several places that she hadn 't either read or understood the question and just wrote down a hasty answer . I commented on this saying that I would be happy to help her . She got snarly and rude and said " OK , now I have to go all the way downstairs and do some of this stupid homework and then come all the way upstairs again . " Which she did do but with no more of the questions answered than she had the first time . I decided to leave well enough alone and said she could watch TV for an hour . At the end of an hour , I asked her to turn off the TV and to come have dinner which she did . We had some leftover chicken soup with matzo balls . She sat sideways at the table and held her bowl in her lap . When I suggested that this was not the proper way to eat soup at the table , she got snarly again , drank the rest of the soup right from the bowl and stormed out of the room . It was bath time and she ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom . She said , " I am going to take such a long shower that there won 't be any hot water left for you tomorrow morning . " I had wanted to give her her medications so I tried to open the door ( I can do it with a paper clip when she locks herself in ) . She threw all her weight against the door and refused to let me in . I added a ½ of an Ativan to her meds to try and calm her down and tried again . After I was finally successful in getting her to take the pills , she locked the door again and I decided to lie down on my bed and read rather than to continue with a battle of wills that wasn 't going anywhere . After awhile , I heard the shower go on and then after about ½ an hour , I knocked on the door and said that it was time to get out of the shower and get her jimmies on . I opened the door and Yelena was standing in the tub covered with bright red nail polish . There was nail polish on the sink , all over the tub , the shower curtain and the walls . My immediate reaction was anger and I turned and went downstairs to get the bottle of nail polish remover and asked her to start cleaning the tub when I returned . After a couple of minutes I realized that I should be concentrating on cleaning her up and getting her into bed rather than cleaning the bathroom . She had painted designs on her arms . I asked her what had happened and all she could say was that it was an accident and the bottle had spilled . I started to wash her off with acetone and she started screaming . For someone without sensory issues , acetone is a pretty powerful smell and she had it all over her hands and had a few small cuts on her hands that stung really badly . I went and got the other ½ of the Ativan for her . I concentrated on her face and hands and left her legs ( that wouldn 't be seen at camp when she had her clothes on ) for another day . She was sobbing when I put her to bed so I lay down with her for awhile and she started talking about how scared she was about the rest of the MCAS and how her teacher had told her to hurry up and put a lot of pressure on her and then wouldn 't let her go to recess . It 's mostly in our heart - to - heart talks when she is in bed that she is able to tell me a lot of stuff that has been happening to her . She said she couldn 't go back to school on Monday and she was really scared of her teacher and didn 't think she could manage the rest of the year . It was after I said goodnight to her and went to the bathroom that I saw the inside of the toilet which was covered in nail polish . How she managed to do that , I have no idea . . . The next day was Wednesday . I had to pick her up a little early from camp as she had an appointment with her psychopharm nurse . After her appointment , we did a few errands and then headed home for dinner . When I suggested homework she started slapping me with a computer cable . She went into the bathroom to take a bath . When I went in to get her after she had been in there for 45 minutes ( shades of the teenager to come ) , I saw hair lying all over the sink and the floor . She had cut her " sideburns " off and she had cut about a one inch square area right in the front center of her forehead down to the scalp . And she had also cut off her eyebrows . I asked her what was going on and she said it was an accident . She started to cry and say that everyone was going to laugh at her and tease her . She sat down stark naked on the floor of my bedroom and said " OK , please just kill me now . Please kill me . Just kill me . I don 't want to live . " Another Ativan - I didn 't bother to cut it in half . I said that I could do two things to help her , we could either shave off her whole head or I could cut some bangs to try to cover the bald spot , She said " OK , then shave my head . " Never suggest something that you are not prepared to do … I cut bangs for her . She wore a baseball cap to camp for the last two days of the week . She has asked me a few times if I like the way it looks and I answered her question with a question : " Do you like it ? " I think she kind of does like it . I 'm not sure if she thinks it 's cool and very Goth or she likes it because it is different and will get her some attention . I don 't think she has any idea what kind of attention that it might get her in school . I asked her tonight if she wanted me to try to even out her eyebrows ( she did a very choppy looking job ) and she said no , she likes it the way it is . I modeled head bands and scarves but I don 't think she is going to want to wear any of it to school . The kids are not allowed to wear hats during the day at school and if an exception was made to the rule she would just stand out even more . I did send an email to the school today just so they would be ready for her on Monday : Due to her emotional distress this week , she has been unable to focus on the vacation homework assignment packet despite our many attempts to encourage her with reward contingencies for her to accomplish some piece of it each day . Each attempt has usually escalated into major tantrums . She is worried that she will be punished for not completing her homework assignments . We have tried to remedy the situation by cutting bangs to hide the bald spot in the front of her head and have discussed the wearing of a headband or scarf but we are not sure that she will want to do that on Monday . She has been wearing a baseball cap for the past few days and we know that she cannot wear a hat at school . And you can 't miss the eyebrows … We also need to find out what the dates are for the upcoming MCAS because Yelena has already become anxious about it and we need to be able to console her by letting her know exactly when they are so she does not worry needlessly . She also reported that for the last MCAS that she was told she was taking too much time and that she missed recess as a consequence . We know she has accommodations for the test and hope that the future MCAS will go more smoothly for her . This was an amazing eye opening book about children lost in the " child care " system in Russia . They just did a segment on Dateline about it and it is definately worth taking a look at . There but for the grace of G - d . . . This has been a very rough week and it 's all a jumble in my mind . I want to try to write things down as they happen so I can keep it all straight in my mind . Yelena had two days of MCAS ( Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System ) testing this week and all the children get totally freaked out about it . I told her numerous times that it wasn 't important , the scores don 't matter and she should just try to do her best and relax . She came home and said her teacher said that they did get grades on it and that it was really important . The school system does teach to the MCAS . For 2010 , Plympton has not made adequate yearly progress in either English Language Arts or Mathematics and their status is Corrective Action due to prior years ' reports . The absurdity of even making a student like Yelena even take the MCAS ( which she will fail ) is mind boggling to me and then add the anxiety component on top of it and the situation becomes totally insane . She had Language Arts this week on Wednesday and Friday . Math is sometime in May . Fortunately , her teacher did not give any homework most of the week . She had a big meltdown Tuesday night . She didn 't have any homework to do and her instructions from her teacher were to have a good dinner , get a good night 's sleep , have a good breakfast and make sure to take all her medications ! Medication is NOT under the jurisdiction of the school system . She was in a great mood and asked to be able to watch a movie because it was a special night and I said that she could watch for an hour before she ate dinner and took a bath and got ready for bed . Needless to say , that was a mistake on my part as she was incapable of turning off the TV after an hour . I ended up getting kicked and punched before I got her into a bath and to bed . Wednesday was her first day of MCATs . When I picked her up at school , the front of her shirt was all wet . I jokingly asked her if she had dribbled her juice and she told me that she had thrown up in science class after the exam . I asked if she had gone to the Yelena had a concert Thursday night and was worried for a few days that she wouldn 't be able to get her home work done that night so she asked me to write to her teacher . This is the email I sent : I wanted to express my concern about Yelena 's ability to do any homework Thursday night . She has her social skills group after school and then the all - city concert which starts at 7 . Yelena is worried that you will get angry with her if she doesn 't do her homework . I wasn 't planning on giving homework to the kids who are participating in the concert . I am extremely concerned with Yelena being late for school on a daily basis ; we can discuss this at the meeting on Monday . See you then . We are also extremely concerned about Yelena 's lateness . She is having a very difficult time right now . We are working with her therapists to figure out what is happening . While waiting for Yelena at her therapist 's office today I found a really interesting article on international adoption . The article is in the February 2011 issue of Good Housekeeping and it is titled " Love Medicine " by Melissa Fay Greene . It is reprinted here by Theraplay : " The traumatic events that ( Nadine Burke 's patient ) experienced in childhood had likely caused significant and long - lasting chemical changes in both her brain and her body , and these changes could well be making her sick , and also increasing her chances of serious medical problems in adulthood . " Tough talks about the ACE ( Adverse Childhood Experiences ) Study which deals with bridging the gap between childhood trauma and negative consequences later in life . See : http : / / www . acestudy . org / He ends the article by quoting Burke as saying , " It 's not that if we poured all of our money into treating ACEs the jails would empty out and we would no longer have any kids in special ed . But this is a huge , huge issue , and as a society I don 't think we 've even come close to grasping its significance . " It makes so much sense . A damaged child can grow into a damaged adult . We have so many hurt , abused , neglected children in this world . It 's a long hard road . . . After Yelena and I finished dinner she went to play on her Wii for a few minutes while I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen . I went into her backpack to get her lunch box to empty it out and clean it and I took a casual look through while I was there . I found two dollar bills . Our deal is if Yelena is on time for school she can buy lunch but if she is late she has to take lunch from home then next day . She loves buying lunch at school . It costs $ 2 . 00 . The other day she told me that she could have lunch for free . I don 't really think that 's possible or maybe it is possible for children who need financial assistance but I explained that we can afford to pay for her lunch and we needed to do so . She had the money left over so I told her she could use it the next day and didn 't give her any money . Obviously she didn 't pay the next day either . Today she told me that she could get drinks for free in the lunchroom if she brought her own lunch . Something is going on here and I need to ask her teacher . In the pocket of her backpack I also found a ring which belongs to one of her brothers . When he was in high school , his football team won the " super bowl " of their league and he got one of those huge clunky championship rings with his name on it . It cost several hundred dollars as I remember . This is after I put a padlock on door to the boys room to keep her out of their stuff . I took a deep breath and finished cleaning the kitchen . I poured Yelena a glass of seltzer and got her pills out and put it all on the kitchen table and called for her to turn off the TV and come into the kitchen . We have been trying to reward her for doing things that we ask her to do by giving her a quarter if she ( for example ) turns off the TV the first time we ask her too . The last few days it hasn 't been working at all and I have had to say ten or fifteen times : " Please turn off the TV NOW . " When she finally turned off the TV and came into the kitchen she asked if she was in trouble and I said : yes . I asked her what was on the table and she looked at the ring and said she found it in her toy bin ( not true ) . I asked if she knew who it belonged to and she said yes . I asked if she knew that it was important to him and valuable and she said yes . I said ( in my very calmest Love and Logic voice ) " OK , Yelena , there is going to be a consequence . I don 't know what it is going to be yet but try not to worry . " And then , of course , all hell broke loose . She had been drinking out of her silver baby cup that a friend had given her when she first came home and she took the mug and threw it in the trash screaming " I don 't care . I don 't care . " I said ( very calmly ) " That 's OK " and went upstairs . I turned on the bathtub for her and asked her to get undressed and went into my bedroom . She followed me , I sat down at the computer on my desk and Yelena started punching me in the arm over and over again . I asked her if she liked to hurt me . I asked her if by hurting me she wanted me to hurt her back . No answer ( too sophisticated a question ) . I said " Alright , that 's enough please get undressed and get into the tub . If you don 't want to take a bath you can just go into your room and go to bed if you prefer . " I googled something on the computer and it came back " Your search did not match any documents . Suggestions : Make sure all words are spelled correctly . " She started to laugh at me and tell me that I couldn 't even spell and that I was so stupid . I turned off the computer and stood up to leave . She grabbed my sweater by the neck and I could hear the stitches rip . She twisted the neck until I couldn 't breathe . She twists my necklace until it iIt all gets confused in my mind . How did I get here ? I am scared . I am frightened emotionally and physically . She is very strong and she does hurt me . I try to remain calm and centered . I want to cry . I want to hit her but I don 't . I take my cell phone and go downstairs . I have been well trained at this point : don 't yell back at her , protect myself , walk away , stay calm , don 't say anything I might regret , think before I speak , stay calm , walk away . . . I go downstairs and use the bathroom . Yelena comes down and knocks on the door . When I open the door , she dissolves in my arms : " I 'm so sorry Mommy . I won 't do it again . I 'm so sorry . " I don 't believe it of course . I have heard that so many times before . It 's hard not to be angry and something in me doesn 't want to soothe her . I cannot say : " Oh , sweetheart , it 's alright . Every thing 's okay . I know you didn 't mean it " because that 's not true . She can 't promise me that she will never assault me again because she has promised me that a hundred times . . . She says , " I am so stupid . I am so stupid . Aren 't I ? . Over and over again . I say " No , sweetie , you are not stupid . " Over and over again . She says , " You hate me . You hate me . Don 't you hate me ? " I say , " No , sweetheart I don 't hate you . I love you . I will always love you . I don 't care for your behavior sometimes but I don 't hate you . " Finally she gets in the bath . She is at the point where she is taking forever in the bathroom . I go in over and over again to check on her progress . Taking a bath and drying off and putting her pajamas on can take hours . She asked me the other day if she could shave her legs . I was shocked at the question but I think that I was probably 12 when I first shaved my legs . I tell her to wait for the summer . She cut her pubic hair off with a pair of scissors a few weeks ago . She told me she shaved her legs . Or the part of her legs she could reach and she shaved parts of her arm . I noticed last night when she was in the bath that she had totally shaved her pubic hair . I wishes she had let me help her . I worry that she will cut herself . Maybe we have to lock up the razors ? My husband came home and she was in her pajamas playing with the cat . He asked her how her day was , what happened , did anything upset her ? ( I had talked to him on the phone while she was in the bath . ) I hold up the ring and ask her if she can tell Daddy what happened . We have a very calm but slightly befuddled conversation about it . We try to get the basic points across : You may not hurt us , you may not steal things . She is calm now so she says she understands but I don 't know if she really does understand . Yelena got to school at about 9 : 45 on Monday ( it was closer to 9 AM on Tuesday ) . I got up at the usual time and no amount of the usual cajoling , tickling and pulling the bedclothes off of her would get Yelena to stir . I finally laid down on the bed with her and started to rub her back . She tolerated it for a few minutes and then told me to get out of her room . I stayed where I was and she started to kick me . It 's hard to hold a child and rub their back and her while you are being kicked . I decided that I had enough of being kicked and I thought it would be better to stay with her rather than leave because in that case we might never get to school . To occupy myself while waiting , I started to clean her room which really needed it . It is always a revelation to clean her room . Mostly old candy wrappers and an assortment of other peoples things that she has pilfered . I found a real Japanese sword under her bed that belongs to one of her brothers . Sticky Fingers … On Sunday , we volunteer for Family Table which is a food pantry through our synagogue . We go and pack bags of groceries for needy families and then deliver them . Yelena refused to help me so I packed all the bags myself . Yelena ate snacks and told me she was organizing the food on the tables . In reality she moved the cans and bottles around for awhile and I didn 't pay too much attention because we would have been there all day . She helped me very briefly . I asked her to carry some of the bags out to the car for me . There was a red wagon that you could use to move bags of groceries and she became very fixated on that . She put 4 bags on the wagon and then went outside with them and refused to carry any more , I packed the car and we were off . She was nasty and snarly . She asked how much longer it as going to take and kept rolling her eyes . The first family we got to , Yelena stayed in the car and I carried the six bags up a flight of stairs and into the woman 's apartment by myself . At the next stop , I told her I needed her help and she had to get out of the car . I reminded her that we were doing a mitzvah and that there are a lot of people in the world less fortunate than we are . I had to remind myself silently that I was doing the right thing by dragging her through this - even if she resented participating , it was important that I show her that it was important to me to be a part of an effort to help others who have less than we do . Childhood trauma in particular . It breaks my heart . So many children who have been abused in one way or another and are suffering the effects . And will suffer the effects for a lifetime . It does not matter what kind of abuse , it is all abuse . The Ten Shekel Shirt video Fragile ( see Video Bar ) breaks my heart especially because of the child from the Russian orphange . That could have been my child . It could have been any one of us . There by the grace of G - d go you or I . For about 2 years , Yelena has had a Big Sister who she has gone to events with , out for a movie or dinner or on a walk with , etc . A few weeks ago , Yelena asked me when she was going to see her again and I sent her an email saying that Yelena was asking about her . Although she is 12 , Yelena doesn 't really use the phone or email herself to be in contact with others or arrange meetings . Her Big Sister sent an email back saying roughly : A lot going on in my life right now , sorry I haven 't been able to spend time with Yelena . Last week , Yelena had an early release day from school so in an attempt to fill up some of the extra time we had , I took her to do some errands and we ended up spending some time at the Mall . I was trying to get Yelena interested in buying some new clothes . I think that one of the reasons that she has so many problems with other kids is that she has no sense of how to dress . When she was in private school last year , one of her teachers convinced her to get some jeans and all the kids clapped and told her how good she looked when she walked in wearing them . While we were at the Mall , the social worker called me and told me that Yelena 's Big Sister couldn 't continue with the program due to personal issues . I asked if they could see each other one more time to say goodbye and she told me that she had asked her if she would do that but she had said no . Yelena and I found a store called " Forever 21 " that had some cute clothes and I sat down on the steps because I was tired while Yelena looked around . After about fifteen minutes she hadn 't returned so I went to looking for her and I couldn 't find her anywhere . I looked through the whole store , asked several people if they had seen her and then started calling her name . She finally appeared and I asked her where she had been and she told me she had been upstairs ( the store had 2 floors ) and I told her that I had been upstairs and had not seen her . I asked her to show me where she had been . We went upstairs and then she told me that actually she had left the store and was playing with the video game machines in the hallway . Very calmly , I tried to explain that I didn 't really care if she was playing with the video games but that she had to tell me where she was and it was not acceptable at all for her to lie to me . She got very upset because I was angry at her and while we were in the car driving home she said angrily : " Yeah , and when am I going to see my Big Sister again ? I know when : Never ! " I think it had been on her mind and I was upset that this woman wouldn 't see her again to say goodbye . I need to say again that even a very short meeting with Yelena would be really helpful . I could bring Yelena someplace to meet with her and make it a 15 minute visit . I just feel really strongly that with reactive attachment disorder and being adopted , Yelena is so very sensitive to any issues around feeling abandoned and rejected . Without her Big Sister explaining to her personally what is happening and having her just drop out of her life , I think it will be very hard for her . Yelena will feel like this is just another instance where she has been rejected yet again . I don 't know how to say it more plainly than that . I am sorry for all of her troubles and I am willing to do anything to make it easier for her . Of course , if she can 't manage it , then we will just have to deal somehow or other but I hate to have this happen to Yelena yet again . Today , when we were in the car going to the Farm to see all the baby animals and the chickens that she loves so much , she asked again when she was going to see her Big Sister . I told her that she was going to see her next Monday after school and then I told her that this would probably be the last time they would get together . Yelena said " But she 's one of my best friends ! " She asked why and I told that I wasn 't quite sure but that it wasn 't her fault but she would have to discuss it with her Big Sister . I told her that she could get a new Big Sister and she said that she would have to be as special as her old one . She was really quiet and sad for while and I put my arm around her . There is no way to protect her against people leaving her life who she has grown attached to and I am sure that this will not be the last time something like this happens . I dropped Yelena at school at 9 : 22 this morning . Yesterday I dropped her off at 9 : 05 . School starts at 8 : 35 . All the way there she was moaning in the car " Mrs . Bryce is going to kill me , Mrs . Bryce is going to kill me . " In mock horror , I said : " Is she really going to take a gun out and shoot you ? " She said " No , she 's just going to yell at me . " Because of her sensory issues , I think that Yelena feels that yelling at her is the same as killing her . I don 't think I am able to imagine what it must feel like for her to have someone raise their voice and to speak harshly to her . Because I do not have sensory issues , I have no idea really how she perceives the world but I do know that she perceives it very differently than the way I perceive it . When she was younger , any change in our tone of voice that indicated we might be slightly less than pleased with her behavior , sent her into a crying fit that would last for hours . " Don 't yell at me ! Don 't yell at me ! " Any suggestion that her behavior needs to be modified usually results in her feeling like we are rejecting her . She loves being able to buy lunch at school instead of taking something homemade . So we have a deal that if she is late to school then the next day she can 't buy lunch . She took a lunch from home this morning and she will on Monday as well . We have defined being late by whether or not the crossing guard is still on the corner . If he is already gone then she is late . She has asked me a several times in the last few days if I hate myself . The first time she asked I said that No , I didn 't hate myself and I asked if she hated herself ? She said no and I probed farther and asked if any other child had said anything to her at school about hating themselves . She said no and I left it at that . This morning when she asked me if I hated myself I decided to take a different tack with her and said " No , I don 't hate myself but there are certainly things that I don 't really like about myself that I wish were different . Do you hate yourself ? . And then she said " Yes , I do hate myself . " I asked if she could tell me why and she said no , it was private . I asked if there was anyone she could talk to about it and she said that she wanted to talk to the guidance counselor at school about it . So I said , " Well , for example , I wish I was thinner and I wish that I had a job . " Yelena has a tremendous amount of compassion for other people and is very sympathetic when any one says things like that to her . She said , " Well , you are losing weight and you could look in the newspaper for a job . Then I told her that I wish that I didn 't get so angry sometimes and she started talking about how I can get so angry at Daddy for small things that she doesn 't think are important and I said " Yes , that 's right . I need to work on that . Are there any things that you don 't like about yourself ? " Then she said that what she didn 't like about herself was that Aunt Connie died and that nothing was any fun anymore without her . My sister - in - law passed away last February after a long and valiant battle with metastasized breast cancer and Yelena loved her very dearly and had always felt as special bond with her . I have talked to her about how Connie is still with her and that she can always talk to her in her heart and that Connie is a spirit some where watching over her and helping her and will always be with her . I also pointed out that now we have Eliza in the family ( my nephew got married last September to a wonderful woman who is a teacher and is also developing a special bond with Yelena ) and that she made every thing we did with her a lot of fun . When Yelena is sad or troubled she often brings up ( most recently ) her Aunt and says that her death is the cause of all her sorrows . Before Connie died , she used to talk about her grandparents deatThe next thing that Yelena said that she hated about herself was that Lucky and Toffie had died . We had two wheaten terriers that passed away recently . Lucky was 14 - 1 / 2 years old , unable to use his back legs and incontinent when we had to put him down in the late summer of 2009 right before we drove one of the boys to college in Pennsylvania for his first year . Toffie was 6 months younger than Lucky and very sad after he died but seemed to be fine for awhile and then she had what must have been a stroke about four months later and we had to put her to sleep as well . Yelena has been inconsolable about the dogs . We got her a Siberian cat ( hypo - allergenic - more or less ) for Christmas last year and the cat immediately bonded with Tom and runs away when she see Yelena or myself . For her birthday this year , we got her two more Siberians and she finally has an animal that tolerates her picking her up and carrying her around . Yelena is gentle with animals but wants them to do what she wants so she can be a bit heavy handed and demanding of them . Anything that is emotionally troublesome to Yelena will evoke a conversation about what she perceives to be the great losses in her life : the death of Aunt Connie , her grandparents or the dogs . I am sure that all of this has to do with her primary issues around attachment , abandonment and rejection . I think that when she feels strong emotions like hurt , anger , confusion , frustration , fear , it all just goes into the general mix and she reacts as if she is being abandoned and rejected . Maybe at some point I will be able to say that more eloquently but that 's where I am with it at the moment . I asked Yelena again if there was anything else that she hated about herself and she said that when friends come over and they fight that it really bothers her . This has been a problem . When Yelena is at other peoples houses she is usually very well behaved and a pleasure to be around . When another child comes to our house to play , Yelena can get very territorial . She also can be very demanding that everyone does what she wants to do and it frequently can end up in a fight between the children . I told her that we can work on that and that when other kids come over to play that it is the right thing to do to let them play whatever they want because when they leave the she can do whatever it is she wants to do . When she has friends over to play ( which is not that frequent ) she should follow their lead and make sure they have fun so they will want to come back and play again . When they are gone and she is alone then she can do what she wants . Usually this is about watching TV . I think that Yelena has a very low frustration level and when things become too overwhelming , she retreats to watching TV because it is easy for her to do . Social situations are hard and take a lot out of her . I asked if there was anyone she had a fight with recently and she talked about her friends from the Academy . Yelena goes to a social skills group once a week and the girls in that group have become her main friends . She has one friend at her regular school and a few others . She said that she never fights with Mimi but does with her sister . I said that Mimi 's sister was older when she was adopted and remembered more about the country she came from so it was a harder adjustment for her and Yelena needed to be more patient with her . Saturday morning I came downstairs to the smell of smoke . I found my daughter sitting at the kitchen table with two lighters and what was left of her birthday candles and the shabbat candles . There was wax all over the table and she had put a dishcloth down under the candles in a misguided attempt protect the table . I am not sure that she understood why I was angry and these situations become really difficult for me . She knows the rule and can recite it : We do not play with matches or fire . I think she knows what it means but I am not sure that she can connect the rule to what she was doing . Yelena has a hard time with boundaries . Many different kinds of boundaries . What hers is hers and what belongs to anyone and everyone else is hers as well . Her old therapist used to call it " Sticky Fingers . " I think that she just sees something she likes and it ends up in her pocket and she has no Jiminy Cricket to help her figure out what the right choice would be and ask : " Should I be doing this ? Is this OK ? " In fact , I am not sure that she has what other people would consider to be a conscience . A few weeks ago I put a padlock on the door to the boys room and also one on the kitchen pantry . So I can lock the lighters and the candles in the pantry now . I thought she would be angry when I put the padlocks on but but I think she actually felt relieved . I have tried to ask her what goes through her mind when she is about to do something wrong but I she can 't articulate it . With the padlocks , the choice is taken away from her and she doesn 't have to think about it at all . A little over ten years ago , my husband and I made a journey to Perm , Russia to adopt a beautiful baby girl . We had both dreamed for years of having a daughter . Every parent has expectations for their child . . . We are now parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder . I will not use any real names to protect the privacy of our daughter , our family , our friends and the many professsionals who have helped us along the way . I will , however , use the real name of the town we live in . We live in Waltham , Massachusetts . Our daughter came to us with the name Yelena ( meaning : the light of the sun ) and that is how I will refer to her here . When I started writing this blog , Yelena had just turned 12 years old . We traveled to Perm in 2000 . Recently , I have come to feel that I need to document our journey with Yelena and have decided to use this blog for that purpose . I am sorry that I didn 't start writing earlier when everything was still fresh in my memory . I am where I am now and I need to start from there and I am sure that a lot of the rest of the story will come out inbetween the lines . A friend asked me why I picked the title Boundless Joy Arising . It is because this is what I wish for - for myself , my child , my family and my friends . One of the most bewildering aspects about having a child with any kind of special needs is the lack of imformation and resources , the lack of real help from the school system and the lack of support from other parents . It feels like you are the only person who has ever gone through this and yes , partially , that is true because your child is unique . There are programs for children with different diagnoses but most children don 't fit neatly into any of those boxes so you feel like you are starting from square one with no help . I have to start out by saying that I am an architect , an artist and I have an M . A . in Psychology . I now practice as an Art Therapist . My husband is a L . I . C . S . W . who has spent his entire career in the health care field , many of those years in an insurance company dealing with mental health and substance abuse issues and now has a private psychotherapy practice . Given that we are both highly educated professionals , when we started out , I had no idea how to get my daughter what she needs and after many years of trying , I still don 't . That is not to say that we have not had many dedicated professionals who have been trying to help us who I am sincerely grateful for . In some cases , it has taken us years to find the right people to help us . We have finally found a wonderful woman who specializes in pediatric psychopharmacology . We have come a long way from the first doctor who prescribed ADHD medications for Yelena who when I asked him why he was diagnosing her with ADHD said something to the effect of " See that , she is turning the light switch on and off . All of the ADHD kids turn the light switch on and off . " Hardly , a professsional method of diagnosis . . . I started out knowing absolutly nothing about special education . The school system said that they had the right class for her and I signed her up . The next year , they recommended another class and I agreeded believing they were the professionals and knew best . The next year it was another different school and another different classroom . After four RESOURCES : |
Tony and his wife frequented the Prime Steak House inside the Bellagio Hotel , where my husband 's son works as a bartender . Tony and he were friends . Tony invited my son in law , his wife , their children , and us to come to their home in Sun City , which is the bigger 55 and over community near our community . He greeted us in a pair of crisp white shorts and sandals . " Hello my darlings ! " is what he said as he gave us each a bare chested hug . He was so down to earth and so hospitable . He showed us all his art work , which he rarely hangs on the wall . Instead , he prefers to prop them up against the wall , along the floor , so he can change them around to suit his artistic mood . He also does shadow boxes and gave us a tour of his studio . Jill is also very welcoming and kind . Her love of horses , both she and Tony developed the Shiloh Horse Rescue Ranch , taking in abused , unwanted and neglected horses . Their home is unpretentious and unadorned by what most people would think of a " movie star 's home " . He had his movie chair with his name on the back , sitting in front of the panoramic window looking out over the golf course behind his home . They have one of those infinity pools that look like it just overflows onto the golf course . He had various pictures of him and other movie stars . One in particular of him and Jack Lemon , dressed in drag from SOME LIKE IT HOT , sitting on either end of an ornate couch . When we visited , it was before anyone knew of Jack Lemmon being ill with colon cancer . He told us before we heard it on the news . I told him SOME LIKE IT HOT was one of my favorites , along with SPARTACUS , THE VIKINGS , HOUDINI , SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS , THE DEFIANT ONES and FORTY POUNDS OF TROUBLE . He was so thrilled I remembered so many of his movies . He took me by the hand and took me into his bedroom closet and showed me the hat and jacket he wore as the rich Shell Oil Cary Grant talking character in SOME LIKE IT HOT . He told me it still fit him . He autographed a DVD of a colored version of the movie and gave it to my husband and I . He showed me the beautiful tile work he supervised in his bathroom shower . Beautiful turquoise tiles . He also designed the mosaic in the entry of their home . We all sat around enjoying his many stories about his life and career . Several of his stories would involve a piece of furniture he had in their home . His tastes were very eclectic . The second time we saw him was at the Bellagio when we were at the bar visiting my husband 's son . Tony and Jill came in , remembered us coming to visit at their home . We enjoyed a drink and some conversation before they went into the dining room for dinner . What a talent . What a kind , generous , wonderful man he was . Rest in peace , you are in good company . Thank you for the memories . . . There will be a public memorial service on Monday , October 4 , 2010 , at 11am . The news reported the family requests , in lieu of flowers , to please make donations to the Shiloh Horse Rescue . See Shiloh Horse Rescue for further information . Got home Monday afternoon around 2pm . Izzy was so excited to see me , she jumped at least three feet in the air . It was miserably hot , but felt so good to return to air conditioning . Today is my husband 's birthday , so I was out running errands and getting his birthday card and gifts as I had no time while in California . . . We just got in . He has an early meeting tomorrow morning , so we decided to just go to dinner ( Italian of course ) and then we stopped by another restaurant where one of my hubby 's friends was giving his girlfriend a surprise birthday party . Her birthday is the same as my husbands , plus they are both from Buffalo , New York ! He leaves for annual Mexico trip Saturday afternoon , and my sister arrives Saturday morning for the week he will be gone ! ! I am so excited I cannot concentrate . WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN ! ! I have more errands to run tomorrow . My left wedding band ring finger and the middle finger next to it are still sore . . . they just ache . I am going to try rubbing DEEP HEAT on them . . . Izzy was so good last night . . . when it was bedtime , she followed me into our room , and she walked right into her crate . She feels lighter . . . I think she lost weight . . . This was the longest I have ever boarded her . Since being in California , my sleep pattern is all goofed up . I fall asleep between 8pm and 9pm , waking up at 5 : 30am . My eyes are flapping right now and I cannot wait to hit the sheets . I am so hot I cannot pay attention . . . it is absolutely ROASTING and the humidity is kicking my boo - tay ! ! Mom has no air conditioning . I don 't know HOW she stands it . . . We went to visit Dad again , and had a super visit , but I have zero energy to write . I will have to wait until after I drive back home tomorrow to write . . . I cannot even think straight , because I feel like someone stuffed me in an oven ! And the weather report says it will be even HOTTER tomorrow ! ! Up early to help my eight year old grandson spike up his hair for school . I saved him from getting a buzz cut from his Mom last night . The younger one got buzzed . Lots of snuggles , kisses and hugs . . . Drove from Beaumont to West Covina to see Dad . Found him sitting near the window in the lunch room . He was sitting in his wheel chair , swaying and bobbing his head to the music playing over head from the speakers . I could see he had a huge smile on his face and his eyes were closed . I walked around , getting directly in front of him and just stood for a few minutes , enjoying watching him . I tapped him on the shoulder and when he opened his eyes I was swaying and bobbing my head too . He began to laugh , " DONNA ! You came ! You 're here ! Oh ! You 're dancing with me too ! ! " I leaned in to kiss and hug him . I told him it was so good to see him so happy . " I 'm getting married very soon to my lovely lady . . . let 's go outside and I will tell you about it . . " Dad fancies many of the lady staff and believes they love him as much as he loves them . . . he is always flirting and marrying someone . As usual , as soon as we were outside , he forgot that subject and was moving on to another . We sat at a table with another lady . She began coughing loudly , and Dad explained she had Asthma . I asked the woman if she would like a drink of water , which she politely accepted . I returned with her water and she acted like I had just given her fresh , mountain spring water , thanking me profusely . . . Another patient wheeled outside and sat a couple tables over . She would sporadically shout and yell . She made loud noises , no actual words really . Dad smiled at her and told me he loved her because she always spoke her mind . " I tell her to let ' er rip , and get it off her chest . God Bless her ! " I marveled at Dad 's positive attitude , because there was a time when he would have been embarrassed with her outbursts . . . The woman with the loud outbursts would also stomp her feet , and since I had my back to her , facing Dad , as he faced her , I would instinctively turn around to look , because she sounded like she was charging us . Dad was preoccupied with her and would stop and start his conversations to comment or smile to her . His compliments to her sailed away on the breeze , for she never responded to him . She was in her own world . There was another gentlemen sitting right by the door from the patio to the lunch room . He kept calling to Dad , calling him Papa . . . when I would help one of the ladies get back inside , he would thrust his worn photo album at me and point to his son , his daughter , his nephews , his grand daughters . . . . I told him the boys were as handsome as him and the girls were all beautiful , which they were . He has a very wonderful family . The CNA brought Dad 's lunch tray outside and set it in front of him . Dad told her , he would rather eat inside with his friends . She carried his tray back inside and I following , pushing Dad 's wheel chair inside . She set his tray down at the table by the door with the friendly gentleman , who greeted us both happily . The room was pretty full and Dad and the gentleman were sitting at a table for two . The gentleman held up a magazine with pictures of women dressed in evening gowns . " Which one would you pick to go out ? " , he asked me . I pointed to a strapless floor length back dress . He looked up and smiled , " SEXY " . Dad smacked his lips as his hands hovered over his tray with cheeseburger , fries , pudding , coffee , milk , juice , water , roll and cake . " I 'll make this food disappear real quick ! " I laughed out loud . . . I wanted to sit down and visit longer , but sitting by the door , there was not any room for another chair . I hugged Dad and told him I would let him enjoy his lunch with his friend , and I would see him later on . I will try visiting earlier on Sunday . . . He told me he loved me and to enjoy my lunch , as he bit into the cheeseburger , taking almost half of it in his mouth ! On my way back to Mom 's , I called to see if she wanted me to pick her up some lunch . All she wanted was a Frappe from Mc Donalds . When I arrived , the termite guy was preparing to crawl under the house to finish his inspection . He is a friend of the family . He used to be married to the neighbor 's daughter . Very nice man . He gave Mom an incredible quote to treat all the hot spots and even to repaint her patio cover . We sat and talked as the floor fan sprayed cool air , which felt so good on such a warm day . My sister stopped in after she got off work and we all went out to dinner . My daughter had called to ask if I would come to visit tomorrow . I will get up early tomorrow to walk and meet my sister and girlfriend in Claremont . I won 't stay as long as I normally do , so I can leave about 9 : 30 am to drive down to Lake Elsinore . It will be my first time seeing their home . My daughter told me my oldest daughter and two grand sons are also coming to visit . Should be another fun filled day . I am beginning to feel I live in my car . . . Yesterday , I spent the day at the hospital with my daughter Jodee and baby Jacob . Jacob 's Daddy had to go to work , so he relieved me at 5pm . I drove straight to Yucaipa to meet with my girlfriend to see her new apartment , then afterward , we went out to dinner . I have slow growing cataracts , so night driving is a challenge . My new glasses have really helped to where I felt brave enough to make plans at night . . . but , some time between my last trip to Nevada in June and last month , my right eye was getting red in the outer corner of my eye . Eye drops made it worse , so I made an appointment with the eye doctor . Apparently , I have something " like " arthritis of the eye . The doctor gave me some steroidal drops , which did help . Lately , it has been flaring up again . Now , I am concerned I may have been over doing it . At any rate , when I return home , I plan on talking to my eye doctor to pin her down for some further explanation . Also , I woke up Tuesday morning and my wedding ringer finger was painful and swollen . I could not remove my wedding ring . Most of the day I was miserable and by the evening , I was soaking my hand in ice water . Normally , Windex works best for removing jewelry , but my daughter did not have any . She uses " green " products . We went searching in the garage to see if her husband had anything , and found some heavy duty foam window cleaner . My daughter sprayed it on my finger as I twisted my ring . It hurt like hell , but I finally muscled it off . My finger feels like someone stomped on it . . . it really is still sore , but the swelling has gone down . Driving home Monday night after Jodee 's delivery and then last night , tell me driving at night is NOT a good idea ! My eyes were all blurry and I experienced pain in my eyes from the bright lights . I am hoping it was due to me being so tired , and not the condition of my eyes . . . Jodee called around 8 : 00 pm . She was just released from the hospital ! She was suppose to be released right after lunch ! I plan on going over to their home to help out , but she told me she will call me and let me know when she is ready . . . I also need to visit my Dad and help Mom with cleaning out Dad 's desk stuff . I have been staying with my older daughter Holly in Beaumont , so tomorrow I will head out to Covina , to stay with Mom . Unless Jodee needs me to stay longer , I plan on returning home on Monday . Introducing Jacob , 8 lbs even , 21 . 5 inches long , born 3 : 48 pm by emergency c - section , September 20 , 2010 . Check out those huge hands and long fingers ! ! Eyes open and focused . He is so alert ! Very serious though . . . obviously , extremely intelligent ! My daughter needs to sleep today and rest . She is exhausted ! She asked me to come tomorrow from 9 am to 4 pm to stay with her and the baby , so Daddy can go home to do some work . Betty over at A Corgi in Southern California , blogged about weight loss and her plan to lose it . She got me motivated to confess too . Since we have moved to Nevada , almost four years now , I have become the most sedentary I have ever been . I can 't really blame blogging , because I have only been doing it for a year and a half . . . but I have been on the computer emailing and playing games more than I ever have . I have packed on a good twenty pounds since moving here . Course , the buffets and incredibly delicious restaurants near by don 't help either . My body type must be an Apple . I have bird legs and a big bulge around my middle . It squeezes northerly to my upper arms , which look like flying squirrel wings . My lower chin hangs down past my neck like a turkey and my cheeks look like I am storing nuts for the winter . My husband works a ton of hours so when he gets home , he pretty much eats dinner and zones out . We have our date night once a week , and despite him yawning , he does his best to be good company . We have gotten in a rut when we go out . We used to get a good share of out of town company , which kept us busy and " on the go " . . . Once a month we used to meet with friends for dinner and conversation or play cards . We used to go to the occasional show at one of the Hotel / Casinos . Every now and then , we would pop over to one of his two sons and visit with their families . We used to take Izzy and go walk around the District or Town Square , which are out door , dog friendly malls . We used to go to concerts every now and then . . . Now , most of the time , go out to dinner , see a movie and play a little Keno afterward . I would rather do something new , something more fun . . . . like dancing . Every time my husband asks , " What do you feel like doing tonight ? " , I say , " Let 's go dancing " . He laughs , and we go do the same ol ' thing . I know he is stressed from his work and desperately needs to retire . . . Maybe after he retires , he will dance with me again . We used to dance all the time when we were dating . I guess when the ring goes on the finger , the dancing shoes go as far back in the closet as he can hide them ! I have started dancing alone at home to loud music for about an hour . I am huffing and puffing turning fire engine red and have to take a shower to cool down . Izzy thinks I am playing with her and jumps around with me or attacks my feet . I want to get a Hula Hoop . The one I bought is a cheapo from Wal - Mart . Its hot pink and lights up . I can 't keep it going , and I am getting bruises up and down my legs . I need the heavy one with the weights in it . I used to be an excellent " hooper " and would win contests . I desperately need to whittle down my middle . . . Everything I read says the bigger your waist , the bigger chance of a heart attack . We have a state of the art gym up at our Rec Center which is free for everyone in our community . It has an indoor pool and all kinds of equipment . Of course , I don 't use it . I tried . But , other people 's sweat grosses me out . . . even when there are signs all over to wipe the machines down . . . I don 't care . It 's probably an excuse . I never have liked exercise or gyms , let 's be honest . I used to be so skinny most of my life . I could eat whatever I wanted and had to drink those meals in a can along with my meals to GAIN weight . No chance those days are coming back . . . Mom went to visit Dad this morning . She found him in bed . Doctor - Doctor told her she had just finished showering , and shaving him and he seemed kind of tired . Mom said he acted like he wanted to nap . . . that is until the girls brought in some home made burritos and some grape juice to drink . . . Dad thought his was coffee and complained it was cold ( he HATES cold coffee ) . Mom reminded him it was grape juice and it was suppose to be cold . The girls gave Mom one and Dad two . . . Another two girls came in and asked Dad if he would like to go walking after lunch . Dad was enthusiastic and was joking and flirting with them . He cooed at the girls and told them how loving and caring they are and how much he loves them all . Dad 's new window is gorgeous , and he really enjoys having his bed by the window so he can watch people coming and going . He loves to see the trees , nature and what type of a day it is outside . He told Mom how much he loves it there and how everyone takes such good care of him . One of Dad 's good friends , who was a Chaplain with Dad , stopped by to see him . He told Mom he would report back to the other Chaplains to let them know how Dad was doing . He told Dad one of the other Chaplains was on vacation in Hawaii . Dad told him the gentleman in Hawaii and he had recently visited the Taj Mahal . . . Dad 's friend told Mom he would like to come to Dad 's 90th birthday party . The nursing home is planning a big shindig for Dad 's birthday . He was so impressed at how well Dad looks . . . The skin care nurse called me today to let me know the wound on his pinkie toe is very small and almost healed . His cut toe from the wacko podiatrist is almost healed . Posted by Still no grandson . . . my daughter is " more than ready " . I am dreaming of holding the little guy . . . keeping myself busy cleaning . Am already packed . Having trouble concentrating . . . Worked in the yard today and had a service trim our trees so they don 't break in our winter winds . . . waiting for Survivor to start . . . will let everyone know . . . as soon as I get THE CALL . . . . My sister went to see Dad this morning . She found him patiently waiting in his wheel chair , in the rec room , for the church service . She wheeled him out on the patio to enjoy the Starbucks coffee and pumpkin bread she had brought him . He ate about 1 / 2 the bread and a few sips of the coffee . It was a beautiful day and several of the staff girls were out there chopping onions and cilantro , preparing Menudo . It smelled really good . . . . She wheeled Dad around and then sat on a bench with Dad facing her . She was not sure what medication he is on , but he spoke VERY LITTLE crazy talk . He seemed " normal " . . . just like he used to be at home . . . He told her he preferred the sun on his face , even if he got a sunburn . She moved him so he could be more in the sun , which made him give her a huge smile . They talked about what a beautiful day it was . Dad looked up at the tall palm trees off in the distance , admiring them with their beautiful fronds . He told her he remembered the palm trees on the island when he was in the War . He told her how the bombing made the palms tall , ugly stalks , all charred and burnt , stripped of their fronds . Dad mentioned several times to her , he is getting forgetful with names . He would start to tell her something about someone but he couldn 't remember their name . She showed him pictures of my daughters and told him my youngest daughter would be having her baby soon . Dad told her he already knew . She told him of her daughter being in New York ; he knew that too . . . She told him how much I loved him and he said he knew . He told her how persistent I am in calling so I can speak with him . He couldn 't remember my husband 's name , but as she started to say his name , he thanked her and said his name . He told how he remembered her setting goals and achieving them . He remembered she tried out for cheerleader three times before she finally made varsity , her senior year . She was speechless and the fact he could remember , meant so much . He complimented her for sticking to what she wants and going for it . She reminded him of some things he did for her when she had strep throat . When she was small , she could not take Penicillin . She can now , but back then , it made her sick . Dad came home late from work and brought her a black vinyl Barbie wallet . It was red plastic inside with a coin holder ( the kind you slide coins into ) with a comb and a nail file . She LOVED that wallet ! She was convinced his gift made her feel better . She told him how much we all love him . He told her he loves his family too . He commented on how the nursing staff take such good care of him . He seemed very happy and content . She couldn 't see much of his feet . I had asked her to check out his cut toe from the clumsy Podiatrist . . . He had his compression stockings on and foam booties . She did notice a Band aid on his middle toe . His right eye looked bad again . It looked very sore , but didn 't seem to bother him . He also has the barnacle on his ear again . She was happy to see he had his alarm bracelet on . My sister always gives Dad a massage on his shoulders , arms , hands , and legs when she visits . Dad loves it and told her how good it felt . He told her how loud his room mate snores . . . she smiled and remembered HOW LOUD he snores . . . The sun was making Dad sleepy . He told her how guilty he feels when he takes a nap in his wheel chair . She told him not to worry and to take a nap whenever he felt like one . He talked of working out in the yard and garden , when he lived home with Mom . He told her often he worked so hard , he had to go indoors to take a nap . She saw Doctor - Doctor , but there were so many of the gals helping to make the Menudo , she looked up from her chopping and waved . Dad was distracted with all " his wives and girlfriends " , no doubt he felt as if he were in a Smorgasbord . He appeared to adore them all . She enjoyed seeing him so animated and happy , instead of paranoid and depressed . She felt he seemed really happy and took the picture above to prove it . She watched him and listened to his " enjoyment sounds " as Doctor - Doctor brought him a bowl of Menudo . He relished the spicy broth , smacking his lips . . . She hoped and prayed , he would not be sorry , later . . . . . I don 't think I will ever forget the image of that morning , nine years ago today . . . I had just turned off the alarm on my clock radio . Instead of the channel playing Oldies But Goodies , it was the stressed voice of the DJ telling of reports a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers . . . Numbly going through the motions of getting myself ready to go to my job as an intake clerk at the federal bankruptcy court in Riverside , California . . . Only to walk up the steps to see my co - workers and federal marshals , consoling one another and crying . There would be no work today . The federal building was closed . Back at home , I watched and cried . The sadness I felt on so many levels . Surely , we would go to war . . . the families . . . oh , the families . . . the fireman and police . . . New York . . . more disbelief . . . yet , feeling our world would never be the same ever again . . . The Podiatrist came today and did Dad 's nails . The nursing home called me to let me know the Podiatrist had trimmed one nail too short and cut his toe ! The wound care nurse was concerned due to his circulation issues . She left word with his Physician to look at the toe and assured me they would monitor his recovery . She said Dad was upset and very uncomfortable . Dad will probably not want the Podiatrist to cut his toenails in the future . Now I see why Dad was not more anxious to get them done . A few other red flags have occurred that gave me pause with this guy , I think I will call the Administrator on Monday and see if there is another Podiatrist they can use . . . My daughter and I enjoyed our " date " today . We each sent pictures via our cell phones of one another being excited . She told me she would keep my picture as her wallpaper of her phone . . . Her movie started an hour earlier than mine , but we spoke afterward . She had to eat , because she was so hungry . When I was eating , she was home and ready to take a nap . We both had weird reactions to the movie . Elizabeth Gilbert wrote Eat Pray Love in more plentiful times . I think my reaction was in part , due to our current economic times when so many are struggling financially . It seemed abundantly self indulgent and extravagant . I wasn 't moved . Maybe it was Julia Roberts . I remember seeing an interview with the author on Oprah , and I liked Liz Gilbert . . . I don 't know , it lost my interest , kind of like the book . I stopped reading a good way into India . She wanted balance , but it seemed her balance meant finding a man she could feel balanced with . I think when we each find someone with the right chemistry , physical , emotional and spiritual compatibilities , we feel like we have found nirvana . Although there were some meaningful and good deeds done , I had a difficult time staying awake . It fell flat for me , and I would say wait for the rental . . . Mom went to visit Dad today . She wheeled Dad to the alcove , a visiting area off the south wing , close to Dad 's room . Dad was mesmerized by a painting of water with a reflection , on the wall of the alcove . Dad told Mom , if she looked closely , she could see his signature on the painting he did . Mom complimented him . He told her it was " when we hit the iceberg and so many drown " . Mom asked if he meant the Titanic . Dad smiled and said , " That 's right . " . . . Mom just nodded her head . Dad began talking about his son K _____ coming to visit and how he spoke to everyone to help them with their businesses . ( My brother owns a trucking company . ) Mom said he rambled on quite a while on my brother . . . saying Dad did not make much sense . . . Dad told Mom he had not seen any of his grand children in a long time and how much he missed them . Mom told him they were all back in school . " Oh " , was Dad 's only reply . . . Mom asked if he would like to go outside on the patio and Dad was very enthusiastic . The nursing home was " over run " with nursing students , and all very nice . Dad loves the ladies and really enjoys flirting , so when Mom tried to suggest they go sit in the far side of patio where there was more shade , Dad insisted on staying closer to the ladies and having the sun on his face . . . After a while , Mom took Dad back inside to his room . Mom had brought him a National Geographic , which Dad has subscribed to for years . When Mom checked in at the nursing station , the social worker reminded Mom about Dad 's new glasses , so Mom pulled them from his drawer so Dad could read . She put the old ones in her purse to take home for a future spare . Dad complained he could not see out of them . I think he forgot how to look through bifocals , he has been without his glasses for so long . Mom showed him how to use the bifocals and Dad read aloud from the magazine to Mom . She brought out his Bible with larger print , and Dad was very excited to read his Bible . Mom gave him some Memento candies , one of Dad 's favorites , which delighted him immensely . He loves the way the mints make his mouth feel so fresh . Mom had also brought a new bottle of Aveeno lotion with Dad 's name on it for the skin care Angel to use on Dad . She left it for her at the nursing station . His skin looks better today , then it has the majority of his life , thanks to her . The nursing home is having new windows installed and they were working in Dad 's room , so Mom wheeled him to the dining room for lunch . They sat at his usual table with the salty sailor and his girlfriend . Mom said the girlfriend does not have any teeth and usually chokes every time Mom has been there . Today was no different , as she choked on her food again . Maybe she is trying to eat as fast as her boyfriend ! After Dad gorged himself , he usually gets sleepy . Doctor - Doctor came in and told Mom she would keep Dad company until they finished installing his new window . She assured Mom they were almost done . She would take him back and get him cozy for a nap . Mom kissed Dad good bye and left him in the capable hands of his Doctor - Doctor . . . On her way out , one of the office ladies came up to Mom asking if she got the letter from Medi - Cal . Mom had not received anything and inquired what she was talking about . She told Mom it was the paperwork she marked to receive Medi - Cal too . Mom told her she never applied for Medi - Cal and had her own insurance and did not want it . She found out the woman in the office she always spoke with and who kept all Dad 's things in order has left and no longer works there . . . . Once home , Mom attempted to call Dad 's Social Worker at Medi - Cal . She had to leave a message . Mom called me and I could hear the stress in her voice . She hates paperwork . . . I may have to call her and find out what it is all about . . . UPDATE ON WATER HEATER : I called American Water Heater this morning telling about having to have the plumber ( step - son ) come back today and how the conversion kit did not work . He asked me if the plumber had removed the " orifice " from the old part and installed it on the new part . WHAT ? HOW RINKY - DINK is that ? ? ? He went into some explanation about following the instructions , # 7 . I asked why they did not include that piece in the conversion kit with everything else ? What if I had thrown it away or it was damaged ? I told them it was really poor customer service . He went into the various desert and mountain altitudes and making sure to have the correct size , blah , blah , blah . We had thrown the old part in the trash , so I had to retrieve it , but could not find the instructions . I wrote down what he told me . He further explained , without the orifice , the gas line would allow too much gas and it would get too hot and the sensor would turn off the pilot light . This information made sense because yesterday , when my step son ( the plumber ) turned on the water heater , flames shot out the sides of the water heater . Just to be on the safe side , I called Sears to schedule a service call on our warranty we just took out recently on our washer , dryer , refrigerator and added the water heater . Luckily , after my explanation of no hot water for today being the sixth day , she said she would send someone out between 8am and noon . THANK YOU LORD ! ( Just in case we would have to replace it . . . ) My son arrived at 8 : 30am . He had it finished and the water was " warm " by 9 : 15am . The Sears man called and was on his way . While my son was waiting , he shimmed our toilets . After the Sears man arrived they both talked and assessed the situation . By this time , our water was HOT ! ! WHOOOO - HOOO ! ! ! Everything seemed to be fine , so they left . I took Izzy for a walk . I was suppose to take my car in for an oil change and over all check up of brakes and tires to be ready for my upcoming California trip when I get THE CALL , from my pregnant , younger daughter . It was gorgeous outside , a lot cooler with hardly any wind . I decided I better finish painting our four big planter pots , which are badly weathered and starting to lose paint . I prepped all four pots , trimmed the spiky Desert Spoon plants in the pots , and spray painted all four pots with a good first coat . Menopause makes a woman 's temperature gauge hyper sensitive and mine could have boiled water faster than our water heater ! My face was as red as a fire engine , and I had to take three water breaks and wet my hair and face down to cool off . I finished about 12 : 15pm and went inside to take a nice shower . The water so was so HOT , I actually ( LOL ) had to turn it down , to take a cooler shower . It felt so good ! Way better than a sponge bath with cold water ! ! ! After my eye appointment , my face had returned to normal color , and I was off to get my car done . I only needed to rotate my tires and get a new engine filter . I have life time free oil changes . Driving home , I could hardly keep my eyes open . As soon as I hit the door , I did a swan dive onto the couch and slept until 6pm . My youngest daughter and I plan to go to see EAT PRAY LOVE tomorrow together . . . and out to lunch at Panera Bread . . . . only , she will go in California and I will be going in Nevada . We talk on the phone before and after the movie . I started to prepare dinner and my husband came home , kissed me , gave Izzy a treat and went to the garage for a soda . He yelled to me to come to the garage . As I walked into the laundry room , I could smell gas . My husband was cranky ! He calls his son and tells him about the gas . . I open the garage door to vent the garage and get on the land line to call the gas company . . . My husband is sitting at the table eating his dinner . I tell him we are suppose to wait outside . He informs me he is NOT MOVING . He is going to finish his dinner ! I ask what our son said , and my husband explained " I " should take a spray bottle with soap in it and spray it in front of the water heater and if it bubbles , we have a gas leak . His son thinks the pilot light went out again and thinks we should call Sears and get a new water heater . . . I can 't eat . I think we should go outside . My husband said , " if it was gonna blow , it would have done it already " , and puts a fork full of chicken in his mouth . . . as you can see , my husband does not let too much excite him . I on the other hand , am opening the back door , closing the front door and the double doors to the laundry room leading to the garage ( which is a fire door ) . Just about then , I hear a truck pull up , and it is the gas man . While he takes a reading of potential gas leaks from the street , I feel him in on the past few days . . . He advices me to finish my dinner and he goes into the garage . Apparently , two nut valves for the gas sensor and the pilot light were loose . The pilot light was still on . He tightened them up and told us we should not have any further problems . He also advised us to unplug our circulation pump for the water heater to make the gas hot on demand . He said we might have to wait a minute and we would have hot water and it would save us considerably on the gas bill . So far , so good , on the water heater . We are fine . My hands are sore from trimming the plants and spray painting . My left arm is sore from the T - Dap ( Tetanus , Diphtheria and Whooping Cough ) vaccine I had yesterday so I can see my grandson . My daughter had told me there is a whooping cough outbreak in California , so she , her boyfriend and the new baby will all have the shot . I am not taking any chances of missing holding my grandson ! ! ! Our American water heater will be five years old this coming November . We have lived in our home four years . Our thermocouple went out Saturday , and we have been living with NO HOT WATER for , five days now . Coincidentally , I just happened to spot an article in our monthly community magazine about some homes having faulty water heaters . I called the toll free phone number and low and behold , we are one of the ones with a faulty thermocouple . The rep said he would send us a " conversion kit " , but we would have to have a plumber install it . He also told me , due to the holiday , he could not mail it out until Tuesday , so it would arrive today , Wednesday . My husband 's son is a plumber , so I called him and asked if he would be available on Wednesday when the conversion kit would arrive and he told me he would . Two kits arrived today around 11am . I called our son , he came over around noon and began work on the water heater . I fixed us both lunch and he finished a little before 2pm . I tested the water before leaving to run my errands , and the water was warming up . . . my step son had told me it would take a couple of hours . . . I was gone most of the day , helping my friend pack . She is moving to Santa Barbara . My husband and I usually have a " date night " on Wednesday , so when I got home , we left for our date . We got home at 10pm and I could not wait to take a nice hot shower . . . You guessed it . . . the water was barely luke warm ! ! ! I AM SICK OF FRENCH BATHS ! ! ! Why couldn 't it have gone out about two weeks ago , when the weather was in the triple digits and I wouldn 't mind taking a cold shower ? ? Noooooooooo ! So now , I think I know why they sent two kits ! ! I went online tonight and EVERYONE is complaining about AMERICAN WATER HEATERS . . . we are all having the same problems . I will call our son to come out again tomorrow morning and install the other one . IF that one is faulty , I will be filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and the Federal Consumer Agency . . . . WHAT A PAIN ! ! ! I have had errands or doctor appointments ( I do all my physicals etc in September ) all this week , because next week my daughter is due to have her baby . I plan on packing this weekend and having my suitcases all ready . Tomorrow I have one more eye doctor appointment and I am taking my car in to get checked out for the trip . . . I can 't just sit around and test the water to make sure it is working ! ! ! Just a warning to everyone . . . DON ' T GET AMERICAN WATER HEATERS ! ! ! ! ! ! The rep also suggested to go to Lowe 's , as they sell the conversion kits . I should have realized , when our son checked , he was told they carry the A , B and C kits , but NO D kits ( which is the one we need ) and Lowe 's has not carried them in some time . . . HELLO ? ! They don 't carry them , because they DON ' T WORK ! ! ! I wanted to buy a head band , but if I did , I would not have enough money to pay my way in to the dance . I asked my girlfriend if she had any extra money she could lend me . Another of my friends over heard our conversation , and suggested we each steal some thing . She told us she does it all the time , and gave us tips on how to do it . I had never stolen anything , except a piece of hard candy from a grocery store bin . When my Dad discovered I had taken the candy , he marched me back to the store and made me confess to the store manager . The candy was only a penny , but Dad insisted on paying it , despite the manager telling him it was all right . Dad made me pay him back out of my piggy bank . Everyone had selected what they were going to take and broke into pairs . I was certain I had red neon letters flashing on and off on my forehead . . . . letters that spelled , " This girl is stealing a headband " . I was so afraid , nervous , and my gut was SCREAMING at me to put my hair in a pony tail and forget the head band . . . As I passed the front doors , feeling safe , I began to run toward my girlfriends who were already in the car . I could see two of them kneeling on the back seat staring at me . I began to feel nervous like they might leave me . Just then , I felt a strong hand grab my arm and before I could turn around , I saw my girlfriends drive off in the car . My heart was pounding . I knew I had been caught . The store detective looked down at me and asked to look in my purse . I opened it up and knew it had to have been the neon sign on my forehead . . . He took the head band and ushered me into a back room of the store . He asked for my parent 's phone number . There was a woman and another man also in the room , sitting at a table . He called and I heard him say my Dad 's name . He spoke in a hushed voice . The detective hung up the phone and turned to tell me , " Your Father is on his way " . When Dad arrived , his face tense and pale , wearing sweat pants with a soiled tee shirt , something he would NEVER do normally . He would dress up just to go to the grocery store . I immediately started crying . I will never forget the look on Dad 's face . He asked for the detective and then rushed toward the detective and thrust out his hand . Dad pumped his hand in profuse gratitude , thanking him for not calling the police . Dad assured the detective , I would be given appropriate punishment . I felt like dirt under a doormat . Dad lead me out of the room , not saying a word . When we reached the parking lot , I noticed all the seats from the VW had been removed except for the driver 's seat . Dad had literally been in the midst of cleaning out the car . I climbed inside and sat on the floor of the car . Dad would not even look at me . We drove the short distance back home , but it felt like the drive was much longer than it was in reality . Dad pulled in the driveway , the car seats , canister vacuum , rags , and a bucket were all sitting in the driveway . I followed him into the house and my mother stood in the kitchen doorway with her hands on her hips . She looked very angry . I followed Dad into their bedroom , and he closed the bedroom door . I sat on their bed and Dad stood at the door for a few minutes , his back to me . I sniffed and apologized , promising I would NEVER do it again . . . Dad turned and looked at me . I could not look at him , and looked down at my tear stained Capri 's . " Donna , I am very disappointed in you ! " was all Dad had to say . I would have rather have him beat me with a chair leg . I could not feel lower or more rotten if he had picked me up on a street corner soliciting . . . I sobbed hysterically . I don 't remember how long I was restricted to my yard , or what punishment I received , obviously I did not go to the dance . . . All I remember is how much I had disappointed my Father , and it had a huge impact on me . That day , I knew I would never do anything to make my Father feel that way ever again . I knew a life of crime was NOT for me . ~ Knute Rockne ~ I spoke with Dad today . I only had to call three times . I had asked one of nurses to call me when he finished his lunch , but she forgot . . . He sounded happy and in a great mood . He had finished lunch and was in his room with Doctor - Doctor . She had just given him his shower and was preparing to tuck him in for his nap . He was watching TV , the story of Knute Rockne . Dad likes football . He told me how " it is all about rhythm . . . When you make your move , it has to be like dancing . . . " I had the feeling he was not just talking about football . . . As always when Doctor - Doctor is around , I hear the joy in Dad 's voice . He also refers to her as his wife , and spoke of the rhythm between a man and a woman . . . " When a woman looks a man in the eye , it is a mating call . . . " He began to sing our song , Bye Bye Blackbird ( see here for further explanation of our song . . . ) which is always special and emotional for me . . . Wiping my eyes , and putting my voice in check , I tell him I have only the best memories with him . I tell him he taught me the plays of life by following his examples . . . As some of you may know , Penny Westwood at Penny 's Word ( which has been deleted ) was in a car accident , August 17 , 2010 . She lived in a small town of New South Wales . She was driving and swerved to avoid a speeding car driving too fast , around a curve and on the wrong side of the road . Her car left the road and slammed into a tree . She was severely injured . The doctors put her into an induced coma . She became conscious , and then had a relapse . Tragically , she died August 26 , 2010 in the hospital of a cerebral hemorrhage . Her funeral some time today , in the afternoon . She was only 59 years of age . . . I had emailed her Gmail account asking how she was . Today , I received an email from her husband Doug , who shared about her death . When I replied , that email had been deleted as well . I cannot imagine the grief and loss they have to be feeling now . . . I read her blog last March . I had read one of her poems and was so touched , I asked if I might have her permission to post it . She graciously allowed me to . At the end of my post today , I will re post her poem . I had been corresponding with her only five months , but in that short span of time , through her writing and photographs , I felt she was a kind , gentle , loving woman who loved her family , her little town , animals and nature . She was a regular visitor with her comments . I will miss her . When in doubt , leap . One needs a little courage to live . Miracles happen so often they become commonplace . It 's easier to draw a straight line than to straighten a crooked one . How come it 's always the narrow path that considers itself superior ? If you paint a black picture , the picture will be black . Boredom is the price one pays for not enjoying everything . Getting lost is part of getting there . There 's something braver than dying for the truth - living without it . Lessons are learned , not taught . When your burden gets too heavy , you learn how to carry it . The little girl riding her bicycle . Never once did she wonder : " Is this worthwhile ? " The sea will wash away our footprints but not the fact we made them . Experiences for which there are no words get along fine without them . Reasons are invented , not found . No river could flow if it had to know its destination first . ~ Penny Westlake ~ I am not an authority on Alzheimer 's . I am just like so many of us whose lives are suddenly altered by this insidious disease . I have been in support groups , and had experience in care giving for my Mother in Law and my Father . I am also my Father 's advocate . If any of you are experiencing Alzheimer 's / Dementia of a parent , spouse , sibling or friend , please feel free to vent , inquire , ask for support or a supportive ear and I will do my best to help or listen . For medical questions , I have some nurses following me who have been so supportive and helpful . I do not know what I would have done without their expertise and advice . You are welcome to comment publicly in the comment section at the end of each post , or to email me privately at donnab6464 @ gmail . com . God Bless all of you . Donna |
Tony and his wife frequented the Prime Steak House inside the Bellagio Hotel , where my husband 's son works as a bartender . Tony and he were friends . Tony invited my son in law , his wife , their children , and us to come to their home in Sun City , which is the bigger 55 and over community near our community . He greeted us in a pair of crisp white shorts and sandals . " Hello my darlings ! " is what he said as he gave us each a bare chested hug . He was so down to earth and so hospitable . He showed us all his art work , which he rarely hangs on the wall . Instead , he prefers to prop them up against the wall , along the floor , so he can change them around to suit his artistic mood . He also does shadow boxes and gave us a tour of his studio . Jill is also very welcoming and kind . Her love of horses , both she and Tony developed the Shiloh Horse Rescue Ranch , taking in abused , unwanted and neglected horses . Their home is unpretentious and unadorned by what most people would think of a " movie star 's home " . He had his movie chair with his name on the back , sitting in front of the panoramic window looking out over the golf course behind his home . They have one of those infinity pools that look like it just overflows onto the golf course . He had various pictures of him and other movie stars . One in particular of him and Jack Lemon , dressed in drag from SOME LIKE IT HOT , sitting on either end of an ornate couch . When we visited , it was before anyone knew of Jack Lemmon being ill with colon cancer . He told us before we heard it on the news . I told him SOME LIKE IT HOT was one of my favorites , along with SPARTACUS , THE VIKINGS , HOUDINI , SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS , THE DEFIANT ONES and FORTY POUNDS OF TROUBLE . He was so thrilled I remembered so many of his movies . He took me by the hand and took me into his bedroom closet and showed me the hat and jacket he wore as the rich Shell Oil Cary Grant talking character in SOME LIKE IT HOT . He told me it still fit him . He autographed a DVD of a colored version of the movie and gave it to my husband and I . He showed me the beautiful tile work he supervised in his bathroom shower . Beautiful turquoise tiles . He also designed the mosaic in the entry of their home . We all sat around enjoying his many stories about his life and career . Several of his stories would involve a piece of furniture he had in their home . His tastes were very eclectic . The second time we saw him was at the Bellagio when we were at the bar visiting my husband 's son . Tony and Jill came in , remembered us coming to visit at their home . We enjoyed a drink and some conversation before they went into the dining room for dinner . What a talent . What a kind , generous , wonderful man he was . Rest in peace , you are in good company . Thank you for the memories . . . There will be a public memorial service on Monday , October 4 , 2010 , at 11am . The news reported the family requests , in lieu of flowers , to please make donations to the Shiloh Horse Rescue . See Shiloh Horse Rescue for further information . Got home Monday afternoon around 2pm . Izzy was so excited to see me , she jumped at least three feet in the air . It was miserably hot , but felt so good to return to air conditioning . Today is my husband 's birthday , so I was out running errands and getting his birthday card and gifts as I had no time while in California . . . We just got in . He has an early meeting tomorrow morning , so we decided to just go to dinner ( Italian of course ) and then we stopped by another restaurant where one of my hubby 's friends was giving his girlfriend a surprise birthday party . Her birthday is the same as my husbands , plus they are both from Buffalo , New York ! He leaves for annual Mexico trip Saturday afternoon , and my sister arrives Saturday morning for the week he will be gone ! ! I am so excited I cannot concentrate . WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN ! ! I have more errands to run tomorrow . My left wedding band ring finger and the middle finger next to it are still sore . . . they just ache . I am going to try rubbing DEEP HEAT on them . . . Izzy was so good last night . . . when it was bedtime , she followed me into our room , and she walked right into her crate . She feels lighter . . . I think she lost weight . . . This was the longest I have ever boarded her . Since being in California , my sleep pattern is all goofed up . I fall asleep between 8pm and 9pm , waking up at 5 : 30am . My eyes are flapping right now and I cannot wait to hit the sheets . I am so hot I cannot pay attention . . . it is absolutely ROASTING and the humidity is kicking my boo - tay ! ! Mom has no air conditioning . I don 't know HOW she stands it . . . We went to visit Dad again , and had a super visit , but I have zero energy to write . I will have to wait until after I drive back home tomorrow to write . . . I cannot even think straight , because I feel like someone stuffed me in an oven ! And the weather report says it will be even HOTTER tomorrow ! ! Up early to help my eight year old grandson spike up his hair for school . I saved him from getting a buzz cut from his Mom last night . The younger one got buzzed . Lots of snuggles , kisses and hugs . . . Drove from Beaumont to West Covina to see Dad . Found him sitting near the window in the lunch room . He was sitting in his wheel chair , swaying and bobbing his head to the music playing over head from the speakers . I could see he had a huge smile on his face and his eyes were closed . I walked around , getting directly in front of him and just stood for a few minutes , enjoying watching him . I tapped him on the shoulder and when he opened his eyes I was swaying and bobbing my head too . He began to laugh , " DONNA ! You came ! You 're here ! Oh ! You 're dancing with me too ! ! " I leaned in to kiss and hug him . I told him it was so good to see him so happy . " I 'm getting married very soon to my lovely lady . . . let 's go outside and I will tell you about it . . " Dad fancies many of the lady staff and believes they love him as much as he loves them . . . he is always flirting and marrying someone . As usual , as soon as we were outside , he forgot that subject and was moving on to another . We sat at a table with another lady . She began coughing loudly , and Dad explained she had Asthma . I asked the woman if she would like a drink of water , which she politely accepted . I returned with her water and she acted like I had just given her fresh , mountain spring water , thanking me profusely . . . Another patient wheeled outside and sat a couple tables over . She would sporadically shout and yell . She made loud noises , no actual words really . Dad smiled at her and told me he loved her because she always spoke her mind . " I tell her to let ' er rip , and get it off her chest . God Bless her ! " I marveled at Dad 's positive attitude , because there was a time when he would have been embarrassed with her outbursts . . . The woman with the loud outbursts would also stomp her feet , and since I had my back to her , facing Dad , as he faced her , I would instinctively turn around to look , because she sounded like she was charging us . Dad was preoccupied with her and would stop and start his conversations to comment or smile to her . His compliments to her sailed away on the breeze , for she never responded to him . She was in her own world . There was another gentlemen sitting right by the door from the patio to the lunch room . He kept calling to Dad , calling him Papa . . . when I would help one of the ladies get back inside , he would thrust his worn photo album at me and point to his son , his daughter , his nephews , his grand daughters . . . . I told him the boys were as handsome as him and the girls were all beautiful , which they were . He has a very wonderful family . The CNA brought Dad 's lunch tray outside and set it in front of him . Dad told her , he would rather eat inside with his friends . She carried his tray back inside and I following , pushing Dad 's wheel chair inside . She set his tray down at the table by the door with the friendly gentleman , who greeted us both happily . The room was pretty full and Dad and the gentleman were sitting at a table for two . The gentleman held up a magazine with pictures of women dressed in evening gowns . " Which one would you pick to go out ? " , he asked me . I pointed to a strapless floor length back dress . He looked up and smiled , " SEXY " . Dad smacked his lips as his hands hovered over his tray with cheeseburger , fries , pudding , coffee , milk , juice , water , roll and cake . " I 'll make this food disappear real quick ! " I laughed out loud . . . I wanted to sit down and visit longer , but sitting by the door , there was not any room for another chair . I hugged Dad and told him I would let him enjoy his lunch with his friend , and I would see him later on . I will try visiting earlier on Sunday . . . He told me he loved me and to enjoy my lunch , as he bit into the cheeseburger , taking almost half of it in his mouth ! On my way back to Mom 's , I called to see if she wanted me to pick her up some lunch . All she wanted was a Frappe from Mc Donalds . When I arrived , the termite guy was preparing to crawl under the house to finish his inspection . He is a friend of the family . He used to be married to the neighbor 's daughter . Very nice man . He gave Mom an incredible quote to treat all the hot spots and even to repaint her patio cover . We sat and talked as the floor fan sprayed cool air , which felt so good on such a warm day . My sister stopped in after she got off work and we all went out to dinner . My daughter had called to ask if I would come to visit tomorrow . I will get up early tomorrow to walk and meet my sister and girlfriend in Claremont . I won 't stay as long as I normally do , so I can leave about 9 : 30 am to drive down to Lake Elsinore . It will be my first time seeing their home . My daughter told me my oldest daughter and two grand sons are also coming to visit . Should be another fun filled day . I am beginning to feel I live in my car . . . Yesterday , I spent the day at the hospital with my daughter Jodee and baby Jacob . Jacob 's Daddy had to go to work , so he relieved me at 5pm . I drove straight to Yucaipa to meet with my girlfriend to see her new apartment , then afterward , we went out to dinner . I have slow growing cataracts , so night driving is a challenge . My new glasses have really helped to where I felt brave enough to make plans at night . . . but , some time between my last trip to Nevada in June and last month , my right eye was getting red in the outer corner of my eye . Eye drops made it worse , so I made an appointment with the eye doctor . Apparently , I have something " like " arthritis of the eye . The doctor gave me some steroidal drops , which did help . Lately , it has been flaring up again . Now , I am concerned I may have been over doing it . At any rate , when I return home , I plan on talking to my eye doctor to pin her down for some further explanation . Also , I woke up Tuesday morning and my wedding ringer finger was painful and swollen . I could not remove my wedding ring . Most of the day I was miserable and by the evening , I was soaking my hand in ice water . Normally , Windex works best for removing jewelry , but my daughter did not have any . She uses " green " products . We went searching in the garage to see if her husband had anything , and found some heavy duty foam window cleaner . My daughter sprayed it on my finger as I twisted my ring . It hurt like hell , but I finally muscled it off . My finger feels like someone stomped on it . . . it really is still sore , but the swelling has gone down . Driving home Monday night after Jodee 's delivery and then last night , tell me driving at night is NOT a good idea ! My eyes were all blurry and I experienced pain in my eyes from the bright lights . I am hoping it was due to me being so tired , and not the condition of my eyes . . . Jodee called around 8 : 00 pm . She was just released from the hospital ! She was suppose to be released right after lunch ! I plan on going over to their home to help out , but she told me she will call me and let me know when she is ready . . . I also need to visit my Dad and help Mom with cleaning out Dad 's desk stuff . I have been staying with my older daughter Holly in Beaumont , so tomorrow I will head out to Covina , to stay with Mom . Unless Jodee needs me to stay longer , I plan on returning home on Monday . Introducing Jacob , 8 lbs even , 21 . 5 inches long , born 3 : 48 pm by emergency c - section , September 20 , 2010 . Check out those huge hands and long fingers ! ! Eyes open and focused . He is so alert ! Very serious though . . . obviously , extremely intelligent ! My daughter needs to sleep today and rest . She is exhausted ! She asked me to come tomorrow from 9 am to 4 pm to stay with her and the baby , so Daddy can go home to do some work . Betty over at A Corgi in Southern California , blogged about weight loss and her plan to lose it . She got me motivated to confess too . Since we have moved to Nevada , almost four years now , I have become the most sedentary I have ever been . I can 't really blame blogging , because I have only been doing it for a year and a half . . . but I have been on the computer emailing and playing games more than I ever have . I have packed on a good twenty pounds since moving here . Course , the buffets and incredibly delicious restaurants near by don 't help either . My body type must be an Apple . I have bird legs and a big bulge around my middle . It squeezes northerly to my upper arms , which look like flying squirrel wings . My lower chin hangs down past my neck like a turkey and my cheeks look like I am storing nuts for the winter . My husband works a ton of hours so when he gets home , he pretty much eats dinner and zones out . We have our date night once a week , and despite him yawning , he does his best to be good company . We have gotten in a rut when we go out . We used to get a good share of out of town company , which kept us busy and " on the go " . . . Once a month we used to meet with friends for dinner and conversation or play cards . We used to go to the occasional show at one of the Hotel / Casinos . Every now and then , we would pop over to one of his two sons and visit with their families . We used to take Izzy and go walk around the District or Town Square , which are out door , dog friendly malls . We used to go to concerts every now and then . . . Now , most of the time , go out to dinner , see a movie and play a little Keno afterward . I would rather do something new , something more fun . . . . like dancing . Every time my husband asks , " What do you feel like doing tonight ? " , I say , " Let 's go dancing " . He laughs , and we go do the same ol ' thing . I know he is stressed from his work and desperately needs to retire . . . Maybe after he retires , he will dance with me again . We used to dance all the time when we were dating . I guess when the ring goes on the finger , the dancing shoes go as far back in the closet as he can hide them ! I have started dancing alone at home to loud music for about an hour . I am huffing and puffing turning fire engine red and have to take a shower to cool down . Izzy thinks I am playing with her and jumps around with me or attacks my feet . I want to get a Hula Hoop . The one I bought is a cheapo from Wal - Mart . Its hot pink and lights up . I can 't keep it going , and I am getting bruises up and down my legs . I need the heavy one with the weights in it . I used to be an excellent " hooper " and would win contests . I desperately need to whittle down my middle . . . Everything I read says the bigger your waist , the bigger chance of a heart attack . We have a state of the art gym up at our Rec Center which is free for everyone in our community . It has an indoor pool and all kinds of equipment . Of course , I don 't use it . I tried . But , other people 's sweat grosses me out . . . even when there are signs all over to wipe the machines down . . . I don 't care . It 's probably an excuse . I never have liked exercise or gyms , let 's be honest . I used to be so skinny most of my life . I could eat whatever I wanted and had to drink those meals in a can along with my meals to GAIN weight . No chance those days are coming back . . . Mom went to visit Dad this morning . She found him in bed . Doctor - Doctor told her she had just finished showering , and shaving him and he seemed kind of tired . Mom said he acted like he wanted to nap . . . that is until the girls brought in some home made burritos and some grape juice to drink . . . Dad thought his was coffee and complained it was cold ( he HATES cold coffee ) . Mom reminded him it was grape juice and it was suppose to be cold . The girls gave Mom one and Dad two . . . Another two girls came in and asked Dad if he would like to go walking after lunch . Dad was enthusiastic and was joking and flirting with them . He cooed at the girls and told them how loving and caring they are and how much he loves them all . Dad 's new window is gorgeous , and he really enjoys having his bed by the window so he can watch people coming and going . He loves to see the trees , nature and what type of a day it is outside . He told Mom how much he loves it there and how everyone takes such good care of him . One of Dad 's good friends , who was a Chaplain with Dad , stopped by to see him . He told Mom he would report back to the other Chaplains to let them know how Dad was doing . He told Dad one of the other Chaplains was on vacation in Hawaii . Dad told him the gentleman in Hawaii and he had recently visited the Taj Mahal . . . Dad 's friend told Mom he would like to come to Dad 's 90th birthday party . The nursing home is planning a big shindig for Dad 's birthday . He was so impressed at how well Dad looks . . . The skin care nurse called me today to let me know the wound on his pinkie toe is very small and almost healed . His cut toe from the wacko podiatrist is almost healed . Posted by Still no grandson . . . my daughter is " more than ready " . I am dreaming of holding the little guy . . . keeping myself busy cleaning . Am already packed . Having trouble concentrating . . . Worked in the yard today and had a service trim our trees so they don 't break in our winter winds . . . waiting for Survivor to start . . . will let everyone know . . . as soon as I get THE CALL . . . . My sister went to see Dad this morning . She found him patiently waiting in his wheel chair , in the rec room , for the church service . She wheeled him out on the patio to enjoy the Starbucks coffee and pumpkin bread she had brought him . He ate about 1 / 2 the bread and a few sips of the coffee . It was a beautiful day and several of the staff girls were out there chopping onions and cilantro , preparing Menudo . It smelled really good . . . . She wheeled Dad around and then sat on a bench with Dad facing her . She was not sure what medication he is on , but he spoke VERY LITTLE crazy talk . He seemed " normal " . . . just like he used to be at home . . . He told her he preferred the sun on his face , even if he got a sunburn . She moved him so he could be more in the sun , which made him give her a huge smile . They talked about what a beautiful day it was . Dad looked up at the tall palm trees off in the distance , admiring them with their beautiful fronds . He told her he remembered the palm trees on the island when he was in the War . He told her how the bombing made the palms tall , ugly stalks , all charred and burnt , stripped of their fronds . Dad mentioned several times to her , he is getting forgetful with names . He would start to tell her something about someone but he couldn 't remember their name . She showed him pictures of my daughters and told him my youngest daughter would be having her baby soon . Dad told her he already knew . She told him of her daughter being in New York ; he knew that too . . . She told him how much I loved him and he said he knew . He told her how persistent I am in calling so I can speak with him . He couldn 't remember my husband 's name , but as she started to say his name , he thanked her and said his name . He told how he remembered her setting goals and achieving them . He remembered she tried out for cheerleader three times before she finally made varsity , her senior year . She was speechless and the fact he could remember , meant so much . He complimented her for sticking to what she wants and going for it . She reminded him of some things he did for her when she had strep throat . When she was small , she could not take Penicillin . She can now , but back then , it made her sick . Dad came home late from work and brought her a black vinyl Barbie wallet . It was red plastic inside with a coin holder ( the kind you slide coins into ) with a comb and a nail file . She LOVED that wallet ! She was convinced his gift made her feel better . She told him how much we all love him . He told her he loves his family too . He commented on how the nursing staff take such good care of him . He seemed very happy and content . She couldn 't see much of his feet . I had asked her to check out his cut toe from the clumsy Podiatrist . . . He had his compression stockings on and foam booties . She did notice a Band aid on his middle toe . His right eye looked bad again . It looked very sore , but didn 't seem to bother him . He also has the barnacle on his ear again . She was happy to see he had his alarm bracelet on . My sister always gives Dad a massage on his shoulders , arms , hands , and legs when she visits . Dad loves it and told her how good it felt . He told her how loud his room mate snores . . . she smiled and remembered HOW LOUD he snores . . . The sun was making Dad sleepy . He told her how guilty he feels when he takes a nap in his wheel chair . She told him not to worry and to take a nap whenever he felt like one . He talked of working out in the yard and garden , when he lived home with Mom . He told her often he worked so hard , he had to go indoors to take a nap . She saw Doctor - Doctor , but there were so many of the gals helping to make the Menudo , she looked up from her chopping and waved . Dad was distracted with all " his wives and girlfriends " , no doubt he felt as if he were in a Smorgasbord . He appeared to adore them all . She enjoyed seeing him so animated and happy , instead of paranoid and depressed . She felt he seemed really happy and took the picture above to prove it . She watched him and listened to his " enjoyment sounds " as Doctor - Doctor brought him a bowl of Menudo . He relished the spicy broth , smacking his lips . . . She hoped and prayed , he would not be sorry , later . . . . . I don 't think I will ever forget the image of that morning , nine years ago today . . . I had just turned off the alarm on my clock radio . Instead of the channel playing Oldies But Goodies , it was the stressed voice of the DJ telling of reports a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers . . . Numbly going through the motions of getting myself ready to go to my job as an intake clerk at the federal bankruptcy court in Riverside , California . . . Only to walk up the steps to see my co - workers and federal marshals , consoling one another and crying . There would be no work today . The federal building was closed . Back at home , I watched and cried . The sadness I felt on so many levels . Surely , we would go to war . . . the families . . . oh , the families . . . the fireman and police . . . New York . . . more disbelief . . . yet , feeling our world would never be the same ever again . . . The Podiatrist came today and did Dad 's nails . The nursing home called me to let me know the Podiatrist had trimmed one nail too short and cut his toe ! The wound care nurse was concerned due to his circulation issues . She left word with his Physician to look at the toe and assured me they would monitor his recovery . She said Dad was upset and very uncomfortable . Dad will probably not want the Podiatrist to cut his toenails in the future . Now I see why Dad was not more anxious to get them done . A few other red flags have occurred that gave me pause with this guy , I think I will call the Administrator on Monday and see if there is another Podiatrist they can use . . . My daughter and I enjoyed our " date " today . We each sent pictures via our cell phones of one another being excited . She told me she would keep my picture as her wallpaper of her phone . . . Her movie started an hour earlier than mine , but we spoke afterward . She had to eat , because she was so hungry . When I was eating , she was home and ready to take a nap . We both had weird reactions to the movie . Elizabeth Gilbert wrote Eat Pray Love in more plentiful times . I think my reaction was in part , due to our current economic times when so many are struggling financially . It seemed abundantly self indulgent and extravagant . I wasn 't moved . Maybe it was Julia Roberts . I remember seeing an interview with the author on Oprah , and I liked Liz Gilbert . . . I don 't know , it lost my interest , kind of like the book . I stopped reading a good way into India . She wanted balance , but it seemed her balance meant finding a man she could feel balanced with . I think when we each find someone with the right chemistry , physical , emotional and spiritual compatibilities , we feel like we have found nirvana . Although there were some meaningful and good deeds done , I had a difficult time staying awake . It fell flat for me , and I would say wait for the rental . . . Mom went to visit Dad today . She wheeled Dad to the alcove , a visiting area off the south wing , close to Dad 's room . Dad was mesmerized by a painting of water with a reflection , on the wall of the alcove . Dad told Mom , if she looked closely , she could see his signature on the painting he did . Mom complimented him . He told her it was " when we hit the iceberg and so many drown " . Mom asked if he meant the Titanic . Dad smiled and said , " That 's right . " . . . Mom just nodded her head . Dad began talking about his son K _____ coming to visit and how he spoke to everyone to help them with their businesses . ( My brother owns a trucking company . ) Mom said he rambled on quite a while on my brother . . . saying Dad did not make much sense . . . Dad told Mom he had not seen any of his grand children in a long time and how much he missed them . Mom told him they were all back in school . " Oh " , was Dad 's only reply . . . Mom asked if he would like to go outside on the patio and Dad was very enthusiastic . The nursing home was " over run " with nursing students , and all very nice . Dad loves the ladies and really enjoys flirting , so when Mom tried to suggest they go sit in the far side of patio where there was more shade , Dad insisted on staying closer to the ladies and having the sun on his face . . . After a while , Mom took Dad back inside to his room . Mom had brought him a National Geographic , which Dad has subscribed to for years . When Mom checked in at the nursing station , the social worker reminded Mom about Dad 's new glasses , so Mom pulled them from his drawer so Dad could read . She put the old ones in her purse to take home for a future spare . Dad complained he could not see out of them . I think he forgot how to look through bifocals , he has been without his glasses for so long . Mom showed him how to use the bifocals and Dad read aloud from the magazine to Mom . She brought out his Bible with larger print , and Dad was very excited to read his Bible . Mom gave him some Memento candies , one of Dad 's favorites , which delighted him immensely . He loves the way the mints make his mouth feel so fresh . Mom had also brought a new bottle of Aveeno lotion with Dad 's name on it for the skin care Angel to use on Dad . She left it for her at the nursing station . His skin looks better today , then it has the majority of his life , thanks to her . The nursing home is having new windows installed and they were working in Dad 's room , so Mom wheeled him to the dining room for lunch . They sat at his usual table with the salty sailor and his girlfriend . Mom said the girlfriend does not have any teeth and usually chokes every time Mom has been there . Today was no different , as she choked on her food again . Maybe she is trying to eat as fast as her boyfriend ! After Dad gorged himself , he usually gets sleepy . Doctor - Doctor came in and told Mom she would keep Dad company until they finished installing his new window . She assured Mom they were almost done . She would take him back and get him cozy for a nap . Mom kissed Dad good bye and left him in the capable hands of his Doctor - Doctor . . . On her way out , one of the office ladies came up to Mom asking if she got the letter from Medi - Cal . Mom had not received anything and inquired what she was talking about . She told Mom it was the paperwork she marked to receive Medi - Cal too . Mom told her she never applied for Medi - Cal and had her own insurance and did not want it . She found out the woman in the office she always spoke with and who kept all Dad 's things in order has left and no longer works there . . . . Once home , Mom attempted to call Dad 's Social Worker at Medi - Cal . She had to leave a message . Mom called me and I could hear the stress in her voice . She hates paperwork . . . I may have to call her and find out what it is all about . . . UPDATE ON WATER HEATER : I called American Water Heater this morning telling about having to have the plumber ( step - son ) come back today and how the conversion kit did not work . He asked me if the plumber had removed the " orifice " from the old part and installed it on the new part . WHAT ? HOW RINKY - DINK is that ? ? ? He went into some explanation about following the instructions , # 7 . I asked why they did not include that piece in the conversion kit with everything else ? What if I had thrown it away or it was damaged ? I told them it was really poor customer service . He went into the various desert and mountain altitudes and making sure to have the correct size , blah , blah , blah . We had thrown the old part in the trash , so I had to retrieve it , but could not find the instructions . I wrote down what he told me . He further explained , without the orifice , the gas line would allow too much gas and it would get too hot and the sensor would turn off the pilot light . This information made sense because yesterday , when my step son ( the plumber ) turned on the water heater , flames shot out the sides of the water heater . Just to be on the safe side , I called Sears to schedule a service call on our warranty we just took out recently on our washer , dryer , refrigerator and added the water heater . Luckily , after my explanation of no hot water for today being the sixth day , she said she would send someone out between 8am and noon . THANK YOU LORD ! ( Just in case we would have to replace it . . . ) My son arrived at 8 : 30am . He had it finished and the water was " warm " by 9 : 15am . The Sears man called and was on his way . While my son was waiting , he shimmed our toilets . After the Sears man arrived they both talked and assessed the situation . By this time , our water was HOT ! ! WHOOOO - HOOO ! ! ! Everything seemed to be fine , so they left . I took Izzy for a walk . I was suppose to take my car in for an oil change and over all check up of brakes and tires to be ready for my upcoming California trip when I get THE CALL , from my pregnant , younger daughter . It was gorgeous outside , a lot cooler with hardly any wind . I decided I better finish painting our four big planter pots , which are badly weathered and starting to lose paint . I prepped all four pots , trimmed the spiky Desert Spoon plants in the pots , and spray painted all four pots with a good first coat . Menopause makes a woman 's temperature gauge hyper sensitive and mine could have boiled water faster than our water heater ! My face was as red as a fire engine , and I had to take three water breaks and wet my hair and face down to cool off . I finished about 12 : 15pm and went inside to take a nice shower . The water so was so HOT , I actually ( LOL ) had to turn it down , to take a cooler shower . It felt so good ! Way better than a sponge bath with cold water ! ! ! After my eye appointment , my face had returned to normal color , and I was off to get my car done . I only needed to rotate my tires and get a new engine filter . I have life time free oil changes . Driving home , I could hardly keep my eyes open . As soon as I hit the door , I did a swan dive onto the couch and slept until 6pm . My youngest daughter and I plan to go to see EAT PRAY LOVE tomorrow together . . . and out to lunch at Panera Bread . . . . only , she will go in California and I will be going in Nevada . We talk on the phone before and after the movie . I started to prepare dinner and my husband came home , kissed me , gave Izzy a treat and went to the garage for a soda . He yelled to me to come to the garage . As I walked into the laundry room , I could smell gas . My husband was cranky ! He calls his son and tells him about the gas . . I open the garage door to vent the garage and get on the land line to call the gas company . . . My husband is sitting at the table eating his dinner . I tell him we are suppose to wait outside . He informs me he is NOT MOVING . He is going to finish his dinner ! I ask what our son said , and my husband explained " I " should take a spray bottle with soap in it and spray it in front of the water heater and if it bubbles , we have a gas leak . His son thinks the pilot light went out again and thinks we should call Sears and get a new water heater . . . I can 't eat . I think we should go outside . My husband said , " if it was gonna blow , it would have done it already " , and puts a fork full of chicken in his mouth . . . as you can see , my husband does not let too much excite him . I on the other hand , am opening the back door , closing the front door and the double doors to the laundry room leading to the garage ( which is a fire door ) . Just about then , I hear a truck pull up , and it is the gas man . While he takes a reading of potential gas leaks from the street , I feel him in on the past few days . . . He advices me to finish my dinner and he goes into the garage . Apparently , two nut valves for the gas sensor and the pilot light were loose . The pilot light was still on . He tightened them up and told us we should not have any further problems . He also advised us to unplug our circulation pump for the water heater to make the gas hot on demand . He said we might have to wait a minute and we would have hot water and it would save us considerably on the gas bill . So far , so good , on the water heater . We are fine . My hands are sore from trimming the plants and spray painting . My left arm is sore from the T - Dap ( Tetanus , Diphtheria and Whooping Cough ) vaccine I had yesterday so I can see my grandson . My daughter had told me there is a whooping cough outbreak in California , so she , her boyfriend and the new baby will all have the shot . I am not taking any chances of missing holding my grandson ! ! ! Our American water heater will be five years old this coming November . We have lived in our home four years . Our thermocouple went out Saturday , and we have been living with NO HOT WATER for , five days now . Coincidentally , I just happened to spot an article in our monthly community magazine about some homes having faulty water heaters . I called the toll free phone number and low and behold , we are one of the ones with a faulty thermocouple . The rep said he would send us a " conversion kit " , but we would have to have a plumber install it . He also told me , due to the holiday , he could not mail it out until Tuesday , so it would arrive today , Wednesday . My husband 's son is a plumber , so I called him and asked if he would be available on Wednesday when the conversion kit would arrive and he told me he would . Two kits arrived today around 11am . I called our son , he came over around noon and began work on the water heater . I fixed us both lunch and he finished a little before 2pm . I tested the water before leaving to run my errands , and the water was warming up . . . my step son had told me it would take a couple of hours . . . I was gone most of the day , helping my friend pack . She is moving to Santa Barbara . My husband and I usually have a " date night " on Wednesday , so when I got home , we left for our date . We got home at 10pm and I could not wait to take a nice hot shower . . . You guessed it . . . the water was barely luke warm ! ! ! I AM SICK OF FRENCH BATHS ! ! ! Why couldn 't it have gone out about two weeks ago , when the weather was in the triple digits and I wouldn 't mind taking a cold shower ? ? Noooooooooo ! So now , I think I know why they sent two kits ! ! I went online tonight and EVERYONE is complaining about AMERICAN WATER HEATERS . . . we are all having the same problems . I will call our son to come out again tomorrow morning and install the other one . IF that one is faulty , I will be filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and the Federal Consumer Agency . . . . WHAT A PAIN ! ! ! I have had errands or doctor appointments ( I do all my physicals etc in September ) all this week , because next week my daughter is due to have her baby . I plan on packing this weekend and having my suitcases all ready . Tomorrow I have one more eye doctor appointment and I am taking my car in to get checked out for the trip . . . I can 't just sit around and test the water to make sure it is working ! ! ! Just a warning to everyone . . . DON ' T GET AMERICAN WATER HEATERS ! ! ! ! ! ! The rep also suggested to go to Lowe 's , as they sell the conversion kits . I should have realized , when our son checked , he was told they carry the A , B and C kits , but NO D kits ( which is the one we need ) and Lowe 's has not carried them in some time . . . HELLO ? ! They don 't carry them , because they DON ' T WORK ! ! ! I wanted to buy a head band , but if I did , I would not have enough money to pay my way in to the dance . I asked my girlfriend if she had any extra money she could lend me . Another of my friends over heard our conversation , and suggested we each steal some thing . She told us she does it all the time , and gave us tips on how to do it . I had never stolen anything , except a piece of hard candy from a grocery store bin . When my Dad discovered I had taken the candy , he marched me back to the store and made me confess to the store manager . The candy was only a penny , but Dad insisted on paying it , despite the manager telling him it was all right . Dad made me pay him back out of my piggy bank . Everyone had selected what they were going to take and broke into pairs . I was certain I had red neon letters flashing on and off on my forehead . . . . letters that spelled , " This girl is stealing a headband " . I was so afraid , nervous , and my gut was SCREAMING at me to put my hair in a pony tail and forget the head band . . . As I passed the front doors , feeling safe , I began to run toward my girlfriends who were already in the car . I could see two of them kneeling on the back seat staring at me . I began to feel nervous like they might leave me . Just then , I felt a strong hand grab my arm and before I could turn around , I saw my girlfriends drive off in the car . My heart was pounding . I knew I had been caught . The store detective looked down at me and asked to look in my purse . I opened it up and knew it had to have been the neon sign on my forehead . . . He took the head band and ushered me into a back room of the store . He asked for my parent 's phone number . There was a woman and another man also in the room , sitting at a table . He called and I heard him say my Dad 's name . He spoke in a hushed voice . The detective hung up the phone and turned to tell me , " Your Father is on his way " . When Dad arrived , his face tense and pale , wearing sweat pants with a soiled tee shirt , something he would NEVER do normally . He would dress up just to go to the grocery store . I immediately started crying . I will never forget the look on Dad 's face . He asked for the detective and then rushed toward the detective and thrust out his hand . Dad pumped his hand in profuse gratitude , thanking him for not calling the police . Dad assured the detective , I would be given appropriate punishment . I felt like dirt under a doormat . Dad lead me out of the room , not saying a word . When we reached the parking lot , I noticed all the seats from the VW had been removed except for the driver 's seat . Dad had literally been in the midst of cleaning out the car . I climbed inside and sat on the floor of the car . Dad would not even look at me . We drove the short distance back home , but it felt like the drive was much longer than it was in reality . Dad pulled in the driveway , the car seats , canister vacuum , rags , and a bucket were all sitting in the driveway . I followed him into the house and my mother stood in the kitchen doorway with her hands on her hips . She looked very angry . I followed Dad into their bedroom , and he closed the bedroom door . I sat on their bed and Dad stood at the door for a few minutes , his back to me . I sniffed and apologized , promising I would NEVER do it again . . . Dad turned and looked at me . I could not look at him , and looked down at my tear stained Capri 's . " Donna , I am very disappointed in you ! " was all Dad had to say . I would have rather have him beat me with a chair leg . I could not feel lower or more rotten if he had picked me up on a street corner soliciting . . . I sobbed hysterically . I don 't remember how long I was restricted to my yard , or what punishment I received , obviously I did not go to the dance . . . All I remember is how much I had disappointed my Father , and it had a huge impact on me . That day , I knew I would never do anything to make my Father feel that way ever again . I knew a life of crime was NOT for me . ~ Knute Rockne ~ I spoke with Dad today . I only had to call three times . I had asked one of nurses to call me when he finished his lunch , but she forgot . . . He sounded happy and in a great mood . He had finished lunch and was in his room with Doctor - Doctor . She had just given him his shower and was preparing to tuck him in for his nap . He was watching TV , the story of Knute Rockne . Dad likes football . He told me how " it is all about rhythm . . . When you make your move , it has to be like dancing . . . " I had the feeling he was not just talking about football . . . As always when Doctor - Doctor is around , I hear the joy in Dad 's voice . He also refers to her as his wife , and spoke of the rhythm between a man and a woman . . . " When a woman looks a man in the eye , it is a mating call . . . " He began to sing our song , Bye Bye Blackbird ( see here for further explanation of our song . . . ) which is always special and emotional for me . . . Wiping my eyes , and putting my voice in check , I tell him I have only the best memories with him . I tell him he taught me the plays of life by following his examples . . . As some of you may know , Penny Westwood at Penny 's Word ( which has been deleted ) was in a car accident , August 17 , 2010 . She lived in a small town of New South Wales . She was driving and swerved to avoid a speeding car driving too fast , around a curve and on the wrong side of the road . Her car left the road and slammed into a tree . She was severely injured . The doctors put her into an induced coma . She became conscious , and then had a relapse . Tragically , she died August 26 , 2010 in the hospital of a cerebral hemorrhage . Her funeral some time today , in the afternoon . She was only 59 years of age . . . I had emailed her Gmail account asking how she was . Today , I received an email from her husband Doug , who shared about her death . When I replied , that email had been deleted as well . I cannot imagine the grief and loss they have to be feeling now . . . I read her blog last March . I had read one of her poems and was so touched , I asked if I might have her permission to post it . She graciously allowed me to . At the end of my post today , I will re post her poem . I had been corresponding with her only five months , but in that short span of time , through her writing and photographs , I felt she was a kind , gentle , loving woman who loved her family , her little town , animals and nature . She was a regular visitor with her comments . I will miss her . When in doubt , leap . One needs a little courage to live . Miracles happen so often they become commonplace . It 's easier to draw a straight line than to straighten a crooked one . How come it 's always the narrow path that considers itself superior ? If you paint a black picture , the picture will be black . Boredom is the price one pays for not enjoying everything . Getting lost is part of getting there . There 's something braver than dying for the truth - living without it . Lessons are learned , not taught . When your burden gets too heavy , you learn how to carry it . The little girl riding her bicycle . Never once did she wonder : " Is this worthwhile ? " The sea will wash away our footprints but not the fact we made them . Experiences for which there are no words get along fine without them . Reasons are invented , not found . No river could flow if it had to know its destination first . ~ Penny Westlake ~ I am not an authority on Alzheimer 's . I am just like so many of us whose lives are suddenly altered by this insidious disease . I have been in support groups , and had experience in care giving for my Mother in Law and my Father . I am also my Father 's advocate . If any of you are experiencing Alzheimer 's / Dementia of a parent , spouse , sibling or friend , please feel free to vent , inquire , ask for support or a supportive ear and I will do my best to help or listen . For medical questions , I have some nurses following me who have been so supportive and helpful . I do not know what I would have done without their expertise and advice . You are welcome to comment publicly in the comment section at the end of each post , or to email me privately at donnab6464 @ gmail . com . God Bless all of you . Donna |
God did a really cool miracle here with two of my good friends ! A couple friend of mine from Macedonia , Victor and Pina , wanted to have kids . Pina was told by the doctors that there was something wrong . Well they didn 't give up . We continued to pray with them . When I came the second year to Macedonia our friend Jacob gave them a word from the Lord that they would have a child . So they fought through all this time . It was cool to be able to stand and pray with them about it . God definitely moved and now they are pregnant ! It is just soooo cool ! She put up on facebook 1Sam 1 : 11 - 17 . It is encouraging too , because it just reminds us not to give up when God speaks to us about something . To keep our eyes on Him , and believe ! This really made my week , I hope it makes yours . Well this week has definitely been packed with awesomeness ! Kim Bonner and Ben Bradford have joined the crew from Dwelling Place over here ! They are here in Greece . They got here last Sunday . It is so good and exciting to have them here ! We went to Skopje this week and hung out with Danielle , John , and Bethany . It was really cool . It was a good time of just spending time together . God did cool things too . One day we were going to Velles with Bethany , this lady started prophesying over all of us . She was like you guys are a group of people who love each other . You are going to fly . You are going to have your own plane and fly . It was really cool . She was an older lady too ; it was just really unusual to meet a Macedonian older lady who would prophesy . We were like maybe she was an angle . We were going to leave the next day , but I forgot my phone at the house . It was cool because that night we came back , and ate together and just prayed over each other and worshiped . It was really cool . We got back to Greece last night in time for a worship outreach thing we did at Kamara . There were a lot of people out , and we just started worshiping at the Arch there . Then we walked down the street and prayed in an area where there are a lot of drug users . Femi really felt like this is a place to take back . It was really cool to hear , because Amy and I had discussed this before . Last week I went to Serbia to visit Danielle . It was really a good trip . I first rode up with Zoran and Rebeckah to Skopje . It was really cool to talk to them ! They are just so encouraging ! It was cool to because at the boarder a lady asked for a ride to her home , and Zoran spoke to her about the Lord . It was really cool . It also helps you realize to keep your eyes open ; you never know what is going to happen . What God is doing ! After we dropped the lady off at her home , we went and met the new missionaries to Strumica . They are going to be helping Vena there . They are so sweet ! It was funny , because they had a package of twirlers on their table when we went in . I saw them , and was like can I please have some ? By the time we left I had like five of them . They are going to great . The guy was so excited to be there . It was cool he read a verse in Habakkuk 1 : 5 Look among the nations ! Observe ! Be astonished ! Wonder ! Because I am doing something in your days you would not believe if you were told . When I heard it my spirit just got so excited . I had that word spoken over me a long time ago by a dear old friend . When he read , I just felt like now is the time and for here ! I had actually forgotten about that word too . After that we took a few other people back to Skopje with us . It was a good car ride . Zoran dropped me off at Bethany 's house . It was cool I got to see Anna and Phil before they left that night to go back to England . The next day Bethany and I " had coffee " aka talked for like two hours . It was so much fun . I was having a hard time thinking I wasn 't hearing from God , and when we were talking all this stuff that God had been talking to be about came out . It was cool . I spent the next day with a good friend . I then hung out with Kiko , Marina , Marajan , and Igor at Kiko 's house having good conversations . The next day I left with Emilja and Kiko to Serbia on the bus . The bus ride was so funny . We were the loudest people in the bus the bus driver told Kiko . We were just all having a good time chatting , Posted by So yesterday I was walking to our house after running to the store . Usually I always walk the same road , but this time for some reason I went up a road early . So I 'm walking minding my own business . The next thing I know this older lady ( someone 's " Yaya " ) about I would 70 maybe 75 is saying " Ella Ella . " She looked stuck . It took me a second to realize she was asking me to come to her . So I went to her and she was stuck between her gate and stepping on to a step . She was asking me to help her . I had no I idea . Then I realized oh she needs help . So I pull her , and she shuts her gate . Then she gets out to the road . Then she wanted me to straighten out her jacket . So I did that . Then she started to talk to me , I felt kind of bad because I had no idea what she is saying . So I just start saying " I only know a little bit of Greek . " So she was just like thank you very much ! So I told her " you are welcome . " Two things ! You never know what is going to happen when you try something new . Also , I need to work on learning Greek . We started to go to campus to go and just pray there . We went last week , and we met these really sweet girls . It was totally a God thing . Amy was like we should go in that building . We went in and then she ran somewhere . And I stayed . I started to sing / pray . And it was really cool these girls I noticed earlier came up to me and was like " where are you from ? " They were so sweet . We talked for a while , and we said we would hangout again . They asked about church , when we talked about it . And on Sunday one of them came . It was totally a God appointment ! It was really cool ! I am excited to see what God will do in their lives this year ! Hey everyone ! I know it has been a little while ! I just wanted to let you know what the Lord has been doing . I am really excited ! Summer was really good ! So I moved to Thessaloniki about three weeks ago . Everything happened so fast . We looked for an apartment and found one the next day . It is amazing ! I can 't wait for people to come and visit it . I have really enjoyed the church here ! They really are like a family ! Everyone is just so sweet and so helpful ! Last week Tommie and Tannie and I went to Thasos to visit a couple we had met at the Balkan Connect Conference . It was really cool getting to know them more . I really enjoyed spending time with them and the pastor they are working with there . And they had a cat that was just so cute . It was a kitten still and it played 24 / 7 . It was just cool to see what God is doing there with them ! They are both such visionaries ! They look at buildings and see what they can do with it ! It was exciting seeing them casts their visions for that place ! It was really inspiring . Danielle and Amy came last week . It was just good spending time with them ! We went to Bogdanci the other night where Glasnost was having an outreach . It was really good to see everyone . Danielle and I got to spend some good time with Bethany ( AKA Betty ) ! We went to Skopje to take Danielle back , and spent some time with some friends . We sent her off and ran by to see Bilijana at her new office . I am really excited to see what God is going to do this year ! We are starting to pray daily together here . Now Amy and Tommie are in Scotland for the 24 / 7 Prayer Conference . Monday when we prayed it was cool ! Just felt like God is doing something here with community . It is cool just getting to know people here , and just meeting new people here . God is bringing people here from all different places ! It is really cool ! I 'm excited ! God has really been showing me a lot about the woman washing Jesus ' feet with her hair . Like the fact that Jesus could have stopped the people putting her down at any moment , but He didnPosted by I guess last week was not my last time in Shutka for a while ! Bethany and I were worried that we would be bored this week , because we would not be going to the soup kitchen . It turned out that the preschool workers needed help painting the new location of the preschool . We were so excited to help ! We went and painted there on Monday and Tuesday . I was posted on painting them door frames red first . When I finished , I looked like I had slaughtered a pig . It was so much fun ! I had to run home to get ready to meet someone later . I came back on Tuesday . We sanded and painted the iron door first . I found out one of the worker likes Sci - Fi movies . She actually knew what Serenity was . The inner geek within me got really excited ! The rest of the day Dijana and I worked on the entrance doors . The men worked really hard on doing the construction parts . The other ladies worked on cleaning the large windows and other things . Dijana and I had these different color plastics that peeled off . We cut them off into different shapes and placed them on the glass doors . I am sooooo not the creative person , but I tried really hard . It really ended up looking really good . It was a lot of fun too ! Bethany and I had a good time helping , and getting to know the preschool workers more . They are a bunch of hard working people ! I really hope the kids will enjoy their new location when they start their new year . The works put a lot of work into making it really nice for the kids . My last day helping the kitchen in Shutka for a while was a good and funny one . I played with the kids for a while . We played hand games like Ms . Mary Mack . One girl I twirled around a lot . She kept on asking me to do it again , again . It was neat . One girl was sitting with her brother and she came over and sat next to me . I usually would help her pull her sandwich apart so she could eat it . She would be so funny because it was always too big for her to hold and eat . So I would try to help her , and then she would be say no . Then she would always not be able to pull it . So then she would want me to help her . It was always funny sitting by her . I will really miss seeing these kids every week . They really are great kids ! I pray that God will move in all their lives and direct there steps . I pray that they would all have a personal relationship with Jesus . I went out with a slide instead of a bang . Sable asked if I wanted to eat with them ( he and his wife ) . I stayed and ate with them . While we were eating , Sable got out some yogurt . The yogurt exploded all over the floor when he opened it . He was like I will just clean it up later , after we finish eating . I finished eating , and I stood up . He went I guess to go get the mop . I completely forgot it had happened and slid on the floor like sliding on a banana peel . Then somehow I landed in a split ! Sable 's wife came running to help . I started laughing ! What can I say it was funny ! Then Sable came back to mop it up . He started laughing as well ! I really will miss see them every week ! I really enjoyed the kids and the people working there ! I am very excited that the Pre - school and the church are now all in one building ! I love to see God 's children all working together toward the same goals ! Unity is a cool thing ! I pray that God will bring more works to help there ! So much has happened in the past few weeks . We spent the last weeks of July in Ohrid which is located southwest of the capitol Skopje where we live . There were about twenty to twenty - five people there throughout the two weeks . People would stop by from all over Macedonia . Everyone seemed to get along most of the time . In the mornings there was a time for pray and worship with each other . In the afternoons a crew of people would make lunch . After lunch we would go to the beach . It was really neat because Billur came . She is a college student living in Istanbul , Turkey . Bethany and Goce met her on a train they were coming back on from Velles . She is really awesome and open . One day she asked what I was doing . I was going to go out to read my Bible and write in my journal . I told her that , and I said I went to go and hear what God is saying to me . To hear him either in the Bible or whatever He is telling me , and I will write it down . She was like ok . Her birthday was a day after Bethany 's . We went out for drinks near Kalea . When we came back we had snacks and stuff with everyone . We also had lots of music . She said that the last day was the best day she ever had in a long time . She said she really felt accepted ! She also said that she will definitely come back . It was really an awesome experience of getting to know her . It was also neat because Nina came with us . We also got to spent time with her sister and her boyfriend . They are really amazing ! We even had some fun and went on a boat with them and a few others of our friends . It was so much fun ! You will have to check out the pictures on facebook . It was really neat because Nina knew Boshco from Gevgelija . She spent her first two weeks there . She and Bethany took the invited him to come . It was really exciting because when he found out he was coming he got so excited ! He really had a good time . The day that I was on the kitchen crew I helped with Marjan , Vicky , and Angelina ( Vicky 's mom ) . It was a privileged working with them . They all three are very special to me . Angelina and Vicky are from Bulgaria . They were so precious . Angelina was like a little kid just soooooo excited to be there . She is so sweet . She climbed out the window while we were cooking . I thinking what is she doing . Then she came back with apples for all of us . She was just such a servant . Like in Mark whoever wants to be first must be slave of all " Mark 10 : 44 . She would just come every day to give me a hug . Sometimes I would go to give her a hug , and she would get so excited again ! They were both new Christians . Vicky became a Christian after she met Marjan who is dating now . Then Angelina became a Christian . We spent a day fasting while we were there for certain things . It was really a cool experience . I had a chance to pray with Vicky and her mom . It was so cool ! They are soooooo on fire for God ! They love to pray ! At the end they were like come to Bulgaria ! Come and see us ! Angelina really wants me to come . I think I will definitely pray about it and try . They were awesome women of God ! I was privilege to get to know them ! I still can 't believe sometimes the people I get to meet and know . I feel so honored to meet God 's kids throughout the Balkans . It was really good just getting to know people better that we have known all throughout the year . Alpin even stepped as an older brother to a guy who trying to be too friendly with the girls . It was cool example of Jesus and protection through authority . Dijana was just a jewel . She doesn 't have any kids ( except for the ones at the preschool in Shutka ) , but she has such a huge mother 's heart ! She spent most of the time cleaning and making sure that people felt welcomed . I feel like I can really learn so much from her and everyone there ! Of course it was fun spending time with people on the lake as well . There were some awesome conversations I had on the lake or the way to the lake . It was really an amazing time ! It was really cool God was showing me like in Johnathan David Helser 's song the He is an " Endless Ocean , and bottom less sea . " Today was a wild day in Shutka . I started out on the bus , and Tony came on the same bus about six stops later . So we got to Shutka , and he said he had to get off to buy some things . I walked to the kitchen , and everything seemed peaceful . I saw some girls that usually come , and they showed me there little brother who was six months old . He really was adorable . I walked to the church . Then I said hello to Sabel and the boys helping him , and we got to working . We put the sandwiches all together . Right when we finished , they let the children in at the gate . I walked outside and plaid hand games with them . They are teaching me three that they like . I taught them two from the states that I like . We were all having a good time , and we all went inside . Everyone sat down at their tables , and started talking to one another . Meanwhile , Chris , Tony , and Sabel went around the room greeting the kids , and keeping the ones straight that needed it . I sat at a table with a group of kids I had never seen before . I asked them all their names and how old they were . While they were telling me how old they were Chris ran out the door . Sable followed quickly . Sable shut the door and held it . After a little while , he ran to help Chris . I was yelling " Sit down " in Macedonian . No one was listening . Tony then runs out the door after about five minutes . When he left , all the kids ran out the door . It was crazy . I then went to the window to see what was going on , and I could not tell . All I saw was Chris and Sable trying to separate people in a fight . The fighting stopped and after a while Chris came back inside . They started singing and we prayed . I asked what had happened . He said that a kid 's dad came to beat him up for coming . I think that this really is an eye opening experience . I don 't know if I have ever seen persecution in my life up until this point in the form of physical violence . It is really amazing to see the guys step in like God would when someone is hurting his child . Like in Joshua 23 : 10 " One of your men put to fPosted by This weekend we went to go visit friends in Gevegijal . It was so much fun just spending time with them and just seeing what God is doing there . We went to Dojram a lady near Greece . It was really good just spending time with Pina and Victor . At the lake , people were putting mud all over themselves because it has minerals in it . People would walk by all covered in Black . It was really unusually , but I guess it was like a mud bath . The next day Victor 's little brother came . Then we went to a park and brought their dog along . She loves playing with water bolts . She demolished like five of them . After a while we prayed and listen to some worship music . It was really cool , because there were only five of us there . I could just feel the presence of God there . It was really a good time of just encouraging them . Hey guys ! I am starting to raise funds for the next year in Greece , and this one is really easy . It is really for all of you who feel like you do not have anything to give . Just like the widows might , your offerings count ! The Lord is happy with everything you give when you give with a cheerful hear . Pray about it and see if you are suppose to participate . Here it is . Just take an old jar or a chip can , and cut a whole out of it . Mine is actually a Nutela jar Then just put any leftover change you have in it . You can write on it Change for Change ! You may ask " What will it be changing ? " It will be changing hearts of people in the Balkans by helping supporting me in what God is doing here . The other step in it is to pray for the Balkans each time you place change in it . So it is not only giving that you will be doing , but you will be praying for the people here . When it is full , then you can contact me on how to receive it at daughteroftheking4915 @ gmail . com . If you would like to participate just e - mail and let me know . Thanks so much for all your prayers and support here ! It really makes a difference here ! God is doing so many exciting things here ! I can 't wait to see what He is going to be doing in Greece ! Today we went to the soup kitchen to find that they had no lights and no water . We went and wrapped the bread rolls in napkins , and then served the kids . We met some new kids today , and they were just way too cute . They would give you a hug , and just not let go . I tried to play hand games with them , but they would just hug me and not let go after . It is cool to see what God is doing . It is really neat just to let them know that they are loved … even if it is only for an hour during the day . Just after the kids had left the lights and water had come back on . We had to run , because it was about to rain . Faithful Sable and his son stayed to finish the job . It was an experience . Please be praying , because they are behind on their bills is why they were turned off . Please pray for money for the bills . Now we are waiting for our landlord to come . We waited all day one Sat . He said he could not make it then , because he was watching football . Now we are waiting to meet him again … . Maybe we will see him . The mysterious landlord . . . My Dad ( so I stole this idea from Bethany , but she said it was ok to use ) is awesome ! He is such a blessing . In the past five years , he has grown so much . I was just thinking the other day that I loved the beach so much . When my brother and I were kids our dad would take us there in the summer . We would spend the whole day body surfing , playing volleyball , boggy boarding and building sandcastles . We would have so much fun that we would forget to put sunscreen on . My brother and I would come home and look like red crabs . I would not care , because I had so much fun with my dad ! When I think of my Dad , I think of someone who is a hard worker . Everything he does he just does it to his best whether it was helping me with a history project or his business . One time I came home and cried because I had to make the " Light House of Alexandria . " I had no idea how to make it ! So my dad asked me what I was crying about and I told him . We went out to his workshop and made a light house . It was so much fun ! I took it in to class , and was so proud of what we had done together . My brother 's and I 's education was very important to him . He always wanted us to go to college , and I went away only because he and my mom supported me so much in it . My Dad is also very daring . Once we were in Cades Cove , and we went to see a cabin . On the way back to the car , he told us to be quiet and walk quietly . He said , " I think there is a bear over there . " So he asked my mom and grandma to get my brother and me back to the car . The next thing we know he is running with a camera is his hand back to the car for his life . He told us he just wanted to take some up close shots of the bear . There were times were he protected me , and I was like " Oooooooooooooh Dad ! " In all that , I did learn that he loved me ! I really am blessed to have him in my life ! He really has grown so much in the Lord in ' the past five years ! He is such a good example of a dad . There are many things that he does that resemble my heavenly Father . He protects me whenPosted by This weekend we went to Ohrid to attend the 24 / 7 Balkan Connect Conference . The place was beautiful . It was really cool to meet people all over the Balkans doing the same thing you 're doing , but in a different ways . It was really cool the last night we prayed for the countries individually . You could really feel the power of God in the room . It was just awesome . There was also a lot of down time where we could hang out with people which was nice . One night I went and hung out with this crew from Bosnia . Then , I went to find Jessie and Amy . Well , I didn 't know where they were . I would ask people , and they would say it is too hard to explain or you won 't find it . So I went looking . I just started walking , and followed the water where one person had said . Then I just prayed God lead me to them . I found them ; they said " What in the world how did you find us . " I was told them I just prayed and followed the water . This weekend we went to Sevity Nichola . So I got to the bus station looking around for people and I run into a guy literally . I could not see him coming into a door I was going out of and I screamed . It was kind of funny . So I laughed and walked away . So basically I had no idea ( other than we were having a soccer tournament for the people there , and that they want to start a church there ) what was going on most of the day , but I was really trying to see what God was doing . But it was really cool , because I saw this lady that I noticed ( well she was the only one there it was mostly guys ) . But still god highlighted her to me . I asked Milka to talk to her with me . So we talked to her for a while , and she said she was a part of a church there but it was too small and they for some reason are not there anymore . She really wants to go to church . She said when she was younger she would lie to her parents about where she was going , and would go to church . I think her parents were Orthodox . Her husband was playing in the tournament . Some of our friends who were with us knew him from when they were younger . When I talked to her , she said I could just tell that you love Jesus it is written all over you . It was really cool , because I was like sitting most of the time " like what in the world am I doing here . " Then I shared with her what I thought God was telling her . Then she wanted to go to coffee . I went with her and her husband , and their daughter . I was sitting there thinking gosh God I don 't know really how to communicate with them ; I don 't really know what to do … But I was sitting there with them and this guy who I promise looked like Jesus came in the place to get ice cream and left . I just felt like God was there . Like it wasn 't that I was doing anything or saying something . But having coffee with these people and Jesus was so in it . Well she got connected with Milka and hopefully they will keep in touch . Trusting God and hearing what He is saying and doing it is awesome . You never know what the results arePosted by 1 Cor 12 : 22 - 26On the contrary , it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary ; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable , on these we bestow more abundant honor , and our less presentable members become much more presentable , whereas our more presentable members have no need of it . But God has so composed the body , giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked , so that there may be no division in the body , but that the members may have the same care for one another . And if one member suffers , all the members suffer with it ; if one member is honored , all the members rejoice with it . Now you are Christ 's body , and individually members of it . It is so cool I was reading this verse this morning and God convicted me about something and just showed me His heart about myself in other part of it . Like I felt like I was suppose to read it , and I did . And I felt like on one hand I have totally judged people who need a little more help then others in the body . And , God was just like " uh Jenn those people are needed to bring about my will . " Like when you feel like you have talked to someone about the same thing a bunch of times , and you are like don 't you get it , but in reality I need that person in my life , and most imporantly in the body of Christ . On one hand I feel like sometimes I am that person and everyone else is like come on , but in reality God is like " You are necessarry . " Like I feel like I 'm not really doing anything sometimes , but God is like " What you are doing is necessary ! " Even if it is just telling a friend an encouraging word , or just being willing to be there for a friend when they are going through something rough , and just standing in the gab and praying for them . I know it has been a while . I have been sick . But we do have a team here from VA . They are doing sooooooo well ! I am very proud of them . Yesterday we went to Gevegelia to see the leadership team down there . The team did a good job of encouraging the leadership team down there . We met some college students there that were friends with the pastor . We got some good connections that Bethany , and I will have to follow up on . One girl goes to Greece for shopping , and here best friend lives there , and goes to college there . When I told her I was moving there , I told her whenever she goes I would love to hangout . It was really cool ! I 'm excited to see whatever the Lord is going to do . That also brings up something , in September I am moving to Greece to help down there . I don 't know how long now . I am going to help out Amy and Tommie . If you would like more details please e - mail me . If you would like to support this adventure just e - mail and I can give you more details ! Thanks so much for all your prayer and support it really makes such a difference here in the Balkans . I have been going over the verses in Jeremiah 29 : 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you . Just that the Lord blew me away again in that He wants to know what is on my heart . That whole relationship and communication , He wants it soooooo bad with us . Like He knows what is going on , but He just wants to hear it from us . Vs . 13You will seek Me and find me when you search for me with all your heart . Just that song from Rick Pinno I love I will search all Through the night , and when I find Him I will not let Him go , is totally what brought me back to this verses . I just am praying for more of that is all my life ! Today we went to Shutka and the kids from the kitchen that closed down met us when we got off the bus . They were like " Hey where are you going . " We told them the church , and they held our hands and walked with us . They took us a back way to the church . There were a lot of kids at the church ! It was crazy today you could just feel the spiritual warfare in the atmosphere . I think they are getting ready for one of their holidays there , because they had sheep and cows at people 's homes . Usually they slaughter them for their muslim holidays . I prayed in my prayer language , and just prayed on the bus on the way back . I was just praying Jesus , Jesus , Jesus ! He is soooooo much Bigger and Better than any god they are trying to worship . Greater is He that is in Me then he that is in the world ! 1John 4 : 4 The Virginia team came through this weekend . They were supposed to go to Croatia , but it did not work out . It was really good that they came ! I really enjoyed them being here ! It was very much a breath of fresh air after I worked though some stuff that was going on in my own heart . It makes me really grateful for the relationships I have with them . It is a blessing to have people in my life that will not leave me where I am at , but help me through whatever is going on in my life . I was really dealing with comparison and just what other people think about me . It was really cool to see them connect with the people here , and just move in their lives ! It was a good time . Yesterday was really cool , because I went out to coffee with a group of people and God just told me to pray for one of the ladies there . I felt like God was just doing something with her . I did even though I didn 't know what was going on for the past hour and a half , other than a few words here and there . I stepped out and talked to her , and it was really cool ! God was just showing me to trust Him , and not what I can rely on what I can do myself , but what I am doing with Him . Than last night the kids came over , and we watched a movie . It was fun ! Please pray for my grandma she is having some problem physically . Please pray that God will lead her to a good doctor that will take care of her . Also , pray peace over her . Also , she is in a lot of pain . I am just praying healing over her ! Today was a very fun day . I went to Shutka and Goce , Bethany , and Elisabeth all came . We separated between the two kitchens . It was cool because I got to play some soccer . It was fun . I 'm a pretty good goalie when the kids are like thirteen and under . Also , there is an advantage of the guys didn 't want to hit me to hard with the ball . I think they were taking it easy on me . There were like seventy - seventy - five kids there . They just kept on coming . It was awesome . Thank God there was enough food for all of them . I wasn 't really sure how Elisabeth was going to be getting back , and I waited for like an hour after the kids had left . So I was like I guess I will go home . Maybe she just went home . I called Bethany , and she did not answer the phone . I helped walk the cute like pre - schools back to their school , because they were playing in the yard at the soup kitchen . They are sooooo cute ! They yelled " Macedonia ! Macedonia ! Macedonia " for a while . So then I go home hoping she made it there , and she was not there . I went to Maria 's and was like can you call Tony to see where Elizabeth is . He had no idea . So Then I called Brain , and was like do you have Chris 's number . He gave it to me . And then I called Chris and he said he put her on a bus fifteen minutes ago . I was like oh Thank God ! I was a little freaked out . She was completely fine when she came home ; I was totally more freaked out then her . She like now we can " you left me there . " I was so thankful she was ok . It was funny yesterday we walked by some venders and they started singing " lalalalalalaala Kiss the Girl " from the Little Mermaid . We had a friend come from Serbia this weekend . Yesterday we took everyone to Matka . On our way to leave there was a lady who had Vera Bradley on . Well I was thinking in my head Oh Americans . Then I said out loud " Oh Vera Bradley . " Well the lady was like do you know where the Queen Hotel is . I said no , but someone else might . So no one knew . So we called our roommate . She didn 't know . We then told them about the youth hostel . Then our Macedonian friend got them in a cab to take them there . Who knew having a since of fashion could save someone 's day . We went to Velles , the day before , to visit friends . We went to climb on the Mountain with them near their house . Well then we were being followed by a group of kids . They finally came up to say hello . Well I tried to talk to them , and they were like where are you going ? And I told them up there . Then they followed us to the mountains . It was funny . They all want to talk to us , and touch us . Bojan told them about the kids church there on Saturday . Today we took a trip to Kale and checked out the castle . We took lots of pictures . It was fun ! Tonight I started a cell group from church and Elisabeth came also . There were three women who are going to be coming . One is a new Christian , and she is really hungry for God . She is actually going to be going to America this summer for a work exchange program . She keeps asking what is different between America and Macedonia . We told her that America is faster pace . Also , cars will not come on to a sidewalk . They will stay on the streets . I am so excited , and cannot wait to see what God is going to be doing in this group . We prayed together , and shared about how we all came to know Christ . The girl who was a new Christian was like you all have known God so long . She was like I have done lots of stuff in my past , and now I 'm a Christian . She has such a sweet spirit about her . She is a true jewel . I think of that verse in Luke 7 : 47 " For this reason I say to you , her sins , which are many , have been forgiven , for she loved much ; but he who is forgiven little , loves little . " You can really see the love she has for the Lord because she was forgiven much ! Today was a very interesting day . We went to Shutka this morning . On major difference was that the police closed most of the Shops there this week because they were open illegally . So there was a riot there last week . We walked by a sign today in Shutka that said that Macedonia was trying to improve the look of the place . So I guess shutting down the bazaar was a part of that . When we walked up to the soup kitchen the kids picked up rocks and said happy birthday . They started throwing rocks , at us and at the building across the street at a building . So we told them to stopped , and showed them to stop . Then I talked to the one who knows English , and told him the following . I asked him if he would like it if I throw rocks at his house , and he said no . Then I said stop throwing them at other people . Two things out of all of this . One is that these kids can be so easily influenced . We just need to pray that they will be influenced to do the things of God . Two is that a part of God is discipline . There are many times in the Bible where God disciplines His children . Well I 'm learning that a big part of being over others is discipline and correction . I never really liked doing it before . But being in the internship I learned that this is a good thing . It is a part of people 's growth in being a Son or Daughter of God . Tomorrow I will start a new cell group meeting at a coffee shop . I 'm excited ! We will see what God is going to do with this . Today we went to the zoo in Skopje and hungout with a bunch of cool people for our friend Sara 's birthday . It was really fun getting to know more of the missionaries here . It is really cool to see what God is doing in different people 's lives here . We played invisable baseball , football , and volleyball as well as seeing hippos , Cheetas , and wolfs . It was awesome hangout with people . We are official . We have our paperwork worked out praise God ! Apparently just in time , because they are passing a new law of how to do missionary money . They want to tax it next time . There will be no more volunteers for the churches in Macedonia after this visa . They will only allow church workers . Today we went to Shutka . This was Elizabeth 's first time in Shutka . The kids were super excited to see us . They all asked where we were . We told them we had to go America for paperwork . They were all excited that we were back . One kid I promise grew like three inches since we had been gone . He is almost as tall as me . There were about thirty kids today . They all were eating the soup today ! One kid had three bowls of soup . He is so hungry ! It really is neat because one more of the eight children in Bram 's family is coming to Shutka . He is so sweet and loving . He is not closed off at all . He just has a huge smile on his face all the time ! I know this is the effect that the soup kitchen has had on this family . They said when some of the other children in his family started coming they were very closed off and they would not be hugged ! I can testify today that when we were walking down the street they came and gave us a hug ! God moves in many different ways . Even in hugs ! Tony played ping pong with them after most everything was put away and cleaned . They loved playing ping pong . I gave it a shot , however I was not up to par . I am going to have to work on my ping pong skills . Hahaha ! God Bless ! Thanks for all your prayers and support ! They are truly changing lives / destinies here in Macedonia ! So Elisabeth is here from camp . It is really good to have here her . Her and Bethany have conected really well ! Appartently there are homeschool bonds when you homeschool . I 'm so glad they are getting along ! Yesterday we went to the River near our house . Bethany told us where it was , and we went to find it . It was cool , because God was telling me in this whole adventure that there were still treasures here that I still don 't know about or have not seen yet . To just keep looking for those special treasures . Today , we are going to the police station to do the last step for our paperwork . Also , I am going to do Macdonian lessons . Then going to Velles to hangout with a friend . Then we will do the women 's Bible study : ) Pray for favor with all of this . Thanks ! Please pray for Daki who has brain cancer . The doctors did another surgery on her this past weekend when we got back . The report from it was that they could not get all of it out again . Also , more had grown in her head . Please pray for their family . She has a husband and a really small son . Please pray that God will give them peace while they are going through all of this ! Bethany and I made it back to Macedonia . We made it through the two flights to get here . We met the sweetest older lady who had traveled many places and was on her way to Germany . We talked to her and found out we were taking the same plane to Paris . She stuck with us like glue , until we got on the plane . We swapped traveling stories , and really enjoyed listening to her talk . She was very wise . After , we got to the Paris airport I went to the bathroom , and lade my boarding pass down . I totally forgot about it , because of lack of sleep . Well , I ran back when I realized , and it was still there . Praise God . We went on to Bulgaria . I was out the whole flight , until the stewardess woke me up to ask ham or cheese . I was so out of it I just grabbed the one and placed it next to me and went back to sleep . When we arrived in Bulgaria , two men picked us up thanks to Sashe . We did not get the message that we were not going to have the taxi drivers as before . So they picked us up , and we could not figure out who they were . We asked to call Sashe to meet us at the Macedonian Border . They were like oh we are going to take you the whole way . Then , I freaked out on the inside , and was thinking I do not have enough Euros for that . Then I felt Lord saying to me that He was going to take care of it . Well , I was like ok God . So went on and they wanted to get lunch . We were thinking that it was weird that our taxi drivers wanted to get us lunch . So eventually it came out that they were with our church in Skopje . They are the venders for Viva Tap in the Balkans . All we had was Euros . So they bought us lunch , and would not let us give them money for gas . It was such a blessing ! They were really nice ! The Lord really took care of it ! It was funny also because he was a really fast driver , but I was like Sashe trust him , therefore I trust him . Because , I knew Sashe would only send people who would take good care of us . Plus , the Lord said He would take care of everything . So I figured that meant everything ! Please pray tomorrow I 'm going tPosted by Wednesday Bethany and I will be heading back to Macedonia . We have all the paperwork we need to stay for a year . I am very excited ! God has done some really cool things here in the states ! Please be praying for us as we travel back to Macedonia . We have a lot to jump back into . We are excited ! Thank you so much for all your prayers ! They really made a different ! I don 't think we knew what we were getting into , however God did ! We left Skopje at ten at night . Sashe and Maria took us in their car . Sashe said that his car was not really prepared for snow , but they could not find another car or someone else to take us . He had summer tires on his car which would not be good for snow ( it was not suppose to be snowing ) . Well , we started going and we went through a toll booth , and a lady gave us too much money back , because Sashe was talking to her and encouraging her . So we went back and gave her back the money . We started going down the road and after an hour into our trip we see lights flashing . At that moment , we hit ice and start to lose control . Well , then I just start praying " In the name of Jesus , protect us God ! I pray that no weapon formed against us shall prosper . " Well , we stop right before the car , and Sashe said " Amen . " There was a wreck that had happened because of the ice and snow on the roads . Well we wait like an hour and a half we wait for them to clear the wreck . Behind us waiting in line was a snowplow man . We called the taxi who was going to pick us up at the border , could not come and meet us near the wreck because he didn 't have a green card for the taxi . So , we went on after the wreck . So the snowplow man stayed on the road for like twenty minutes , and made our way that far . I just prayed the whole time , the snow and ice was just getting worse . I just pray the whole time and just focus on Jesus , like God you are here with us . Protect this car and make a way where there seems to be no way . It was cool because my prayer changed into God thank you for getting us this far , I pray that you will just be with us . We just want you . So we keep going and God protected us ! It was cool also to see Sashe and Maria just working together . They never got upset about anything , and they just worked together through the whole time . We got almost to the border , and we could not go any further . Jennifer Collop Jesus has done so much in my life , especially in the past few years ! By loving people , the people who love me , and Jesus ; I am now located in Greece . There are so many people that have helped me to get to this point . I actually got here by doing an internship at a church called Dwelling Place with Rick Sizemore . But , before that when I was sixteen a word was spoken over me that missions would be a part of my life . I am now living in Greece doing whatever God calls me to whenever He calls me to do it . I arrived in November 2009 in Macedonia . I lived there for nine months . Now I am living in Greece . I will be here as long as He tells me to be . I just am living by faith . I just hope that God will just inspire you all to live out the dreams that God has placed in you , by His grace ! There are going to be some random funny stories also , so just bar with me . I think God really enjoys to laugh ! : ) 1 . That the Lord would just stir up the hearts of the people here in Greece ! Especially the young people ! 2 . Pray that God will direct our steps , so that we would meet the people He is doing something in their hearts . 3 . Pray for open doors here in Perea . 4 . Pray for the Orthodox church in Macedonia and for the Muslims who live in Macedonia that they will get saved ! 5 . Pray for the college campus here in Thessaloníki . That the college students will desire God , and find the Lord . 6 . Please pray for Brandon Brinkley and his family for healing ! 7 . Please pray for my grandmother . She is having some problems , and she needs surgery . She also needs to find a good doctor that will take care of her trhough all of this . Pray peace over her , and that God will heal her . 8 . Please pray that God will provide all of our needs ! 9 . That Lord would just move in Greece , and Macedonia and all of the Balkans . For hearts to be prepared and soften . There are many ways you can help the work of what is going on in Greece . First of all is you can pray for us and the people there ! This is the most important ! Secondly , you can financially support what is going on there . If you would like to : Please e - mail me at : daughteroftheking4915 @ gmail . comor call Beth Collop 352 - 409 - 0366 if in the United States . Also , you can spread the word about what God is doing there with your friends and family . You never know , what God will do with that ! You can also send money today through PayPal ! It is really easy . |
When I returned to school the following week , I had to speak with her . I had made up my mind that we were meant for each other and decided that I had to let her know it . I called , but she didn 't want to talk . She had told " the other guy " about us and he 'd told her she had to choose . It could be one or the other of us but not both . She didn 't want to speak to either one of us until she had made up her mind . I tried to protest , but she hung up . I went out of my mind . I couldn 't sleep . I couldn 't eat . I thought about her every minute replaying the events of the past two weeks over and over in my mind . Our dates together had always been in out of the way places , she had obviously been trying to hide from him . If only I had called her right away . If only I had taken her out the night after we met she 'd have never met him . I interrogated Kristine . She admitted that she had known since the first week , but had hoped that she would see that I was the better guy . I pressed her . She gave in . His name was Steve , and not only was he a senior , but he was in my major . In fact , we were in the same classes . I did not know him , but he apparently knew me . Kristine told me that he was the captain of the swim team and president of his Fraternity . I was torn with jealousy . I hated him , and I couldn 't even pick his face out of a police line up . I had to talk to her . I had to tell her that she would be nothing more to him than another swim medal . So I wrote her a letter , and told her all of the reasons why she should be with me instead of him . In my letter I painted a picture of him as a shallow man , more in love with the idea of himself than he could ever be with any woman . On my way out of town to a job interview in Connecticut I slid it under her door . When I got home from Connecticut the next day I had a phone message to call her . It was after ten when I called her , and she told me she was driving right over because we had to talk and it had to be face to face . I feared the worst . She covered the six miles out of town to our little apartment above the soap shop in what must have been record time . I felt a lump in my chest as I opened the door and saw the raging fire that was burning in her eyes . Scott and Kristine must have seen it too because they cleared the room in an instant . She had my letter in her hand and had highlighted it like it was an assignment in Relationships 101 . " How could I write such a thing ? What did I mean by this ? " she screamed . I apologized , I tried to explain how I felt . Since I couldn 't see her or talk to her , I had decided to write her a letter to show her the difference between him and me . She didn 't understand , and I doubted she ever would . Hell , I don 't think I understood what was going on inside my head either . We had been dating less than three weeks and I had managed to lose almost ten pounds . I couldn 't eat , I couldn 't sleep . Like a mad monk I was fasting in the hopes of a revelation , or a vision , anything that might tell me how to put the pieces of my rapidly spiraling life back together . She calmed down , and I told her that I knew that what I felt between us was genuine and real . " Don 't tell me you don 't feel it too . " I pleaded , " I can see it in your eyes . " I begged and pleaded for her to forgive me . Like a scene from a daytime soap opera , she tried to leave , but I caught her in my arms . She sobbed . I felt her warm breath , and tears moisten my shirt . We sat down on the couch in silence . After a half hour she told me that her Dad was having heart surgery that Friday . She was worried sick about the chance that she might not ever see him again . I had no idea what to say , except the usual empty assurances . After a few more minutes of silence , she stood up , put on her coat , and left . She told me as she walked out the door that she was meeting Steve for breakfast the next morning . Her honesty killed me . In the following days I tried to focus on my class work . I ate food for the first time in what seemed like weeks . I slept . I thought that if I could just focus on the details the pain would go away . It didn 't . Every time a car crested the hill I looked to see if it was her . Every time the phone rang I held my breath . On Sunday she called . We talked about her Dad 's heart surgery . He was doing better . If all went well he 'd be home in a few days . I told her about the job interview in Connecticut . I was in consideration for two positions , one on the engineering staff in their Hartford headquarters , and another in the field service department . The field service job paid a little more , but it meant that I would be living on the road all the time . I probably wouldn 't have an apartment for at least a year , and even then it could be in any one of the fifty states . If I took the job in Hartford I 'd only be five hours away . It helped to talk about nothing . I knew that after spending the weekend at the hospital with her Dad she didn 't have the strength to talk about the one thing we couldn 't stop thinking about . I asked if we could see each other during the week . She hesitated . " I 'm not sure I 'm ready yet . " I didn 't know what to say . I felt like I had just wandered out on a frozen lake , and heard the ice beginning to crack . Should I stand still ? Should I try to run ? Winter was ending . It rained the whole week . Water pooled up in the still frozen fields , and flooded out onto the highway . Passing cars left plumes of water behind them like comets . I wrote poetry , awful poetry . I wrote poems about love and death , the worst kind of bad poetry . It didn 't make me feel any better . It just made me feel like a sap . I wished I was a hero from a Hemmingway novel . I wished I could hang up on her , then drink scotch and shoot animals without feeling remorse . Instead I sat in my fetid little room , drinking cheap beer and listening to the most morose music I could find . Graduation was just 10 weeks away . I should be dancing with coeds in the neon lit bars downtown , and spending my nights in wild Bacchanalian carnival . Instead I was lying on the floor of my bedroom staring at constellations of shadows on the ceiling , holding my aching stomach and drowning in self pity . I asked around to find out who he was . It didn 't take long for me to find someone that could point him out in class . He sat in front of me everyday and I didn 't know it . Six foot two , with his receding blond hair cut so close to his scalp that he looked bald from a distance . He definitely was more physically imposing than my ever shrinking 155 pound frame would ever be . " My god , he must just tower over her " I thought . I pictured them together . I wanted to stand up and make a scene . Instead I just sat there taking notes as the professor scrawled formulas across the blackboard , and spoke of the laws of thermodynamics . Letters , numbers , symbols , that created a language only scientists and engineers could understand . I thought about how absurd we must all look scratching hieroglyphics into our notepads . Little pencil and paper machines for calculating the flow of heat from one body to another , as if our little calculations could control it . " No " , I thought , " We can 't control it . We can only measure it . " I wondered how she measured it . The movement , the heat , a clinical detachment as she compared us in her mind . What formulas did she have scrawled in her notepads that could take such things and assign a value , calculate a number , raise it to the nth power , and divide it all down again into love . I drank until I threw up . And then I drank some more . When the world finally went dark I didn 't dream . Daylight just brought more pain , real and imagined . Kristine told Scott she was worried about me . Scott just wondered what my problem was . " Love . " I told him . He nodded and took another sip of his beer . What could he say ? It was a problem without a solution . He had his own concerns with graduation looming , no job offers , and a fiancée with two years of college left before they could be married . I didn 't blame him . I envied him . The job offer from ABB arrived in the mail on Wednesday . I had been accepted for the field service job , but turned down for the one in Connecticut . I was thrilled and terrified at the same time . I stopped by her room , hoping she wouldn 't refuse to see me . Standing outside her door I swore I could hear the sound of my heartbeat echoing down the hall . What if Steve was in her room at that very moment ? What if she slammed the door in my face ? I swallowed hard and knocked . She said " Come in " . She was alone thank God . Sitting at her desk with her reading glasses on typing on the computer , she instinctively took her glasses off and tried to hide them in the top drawer . I smiled . She was happy for me , and the smile on her face was genuine . She wanted to know details . I sat down in the chair opposite her desk , and drank in the attention in her eyes . Sitting there in that crowded little room talking beneath the yellow cone of light from her desk lamp I felt relieved . Whatever had happened between us could be put in the past . When the time came to leave , I stood up . She didn 't move from her chair . " When can I see you again ? " I asked . I don 't know what made me say that . Perhaps it was the mushy love songs I had been marinating in for days . Maybe it was the old cliché about loving someone and setting them free . But whatever the reason , I said it . It took another two weeks of discussion and negotiation before the end . During that time Kristine continued to feed me inside information about what she was doing , and how things were going between her and Steve . Every mention of them made me sicker , but I couldn 't control myselfI just had to know . Knowing only made me feel hollow and empty inside . So I proceeded to fill in that emptiness with alcohol and self loathing . Spring break was coming . From Kristine I had learned that Steve was going to Daytona , and had gone so far as to tell her that he couldn 't guarantee that he would be faithful on the trip . Surely this would convince her I was the better guy . I would be going back to Batavia for the week , and I asked her to come with me . Then to my surprise and everlasting hope , she agreed . She would spend a few days , meet my family and friends , and then I would bring her back to Canton . The day before break began , I had planned to pick her up and bring her over to my apartment for dinner . She was going to spend the night , and leave for Batavia with me the next morning . But when she walked out of the dorm , and climbed inside of my car she wasn 't carrying a suitcase . " I 've changed my mind . " She said . " I 've made a commitment to Steve , and I don 't think it would be right to go home with you . " Outside the rain drummed down upon the roof . The windows began to fog up , closing out the world outside . We sat in silence . She made no move to open the door , or leave . Finally , I started the car and put it into gear . I went on a long , aimless drive into the countryside south of town . On the back roads down near Hannawa Falls , she asked me to turn into the beach . The beach was desolate , and ringed with a crust of melting snow . The pines crowded in behind us , ringing the beach with gloomy shadows . Out on the river , the ice was already wormy and dark from the rain and the slow approach of spring . I parked the car , and we got out . She walked to the edge of the river , it was so gray in the slanting rain . I tried to imagine how it must have looked in the summer time , with boats out on the water , and kids building sand castles on the beach . I realized that summer was coming again , but I wouldn 't be here to see it . By the time the ice was out , and the beach was open I would be far beyond the wilderness of the North Country , but she would still be here . There was no escaping it . " I don 't think we should see each other anymore . " She said . " It doesn 't seem like it 's making either one of us happy . " I couldn 't argue with her about that . I hadn 't been happy since we had first met . The last few months I had been alternating from despair to mania , but nowhere would I say that I was happy . As I 've said before , I really geek out over the Winter Olympics . Having them in North America again , is wonderful because it allows me to follow the events in real time , even if NBC elects to tape delay the broadcasts . As you may have heard during the US - Canada game , the Sweaters that Team U . S . A were wearing were a 50th anniversary tribute to the gold medal winning US Team from 1960 . In fact , there was a documentary recently released that also commemorates that event . It 's called the " Forgotten Miracle " because it has long been overshadowed by the events of 1980 , which had the benefit of occurring in the middle of the media age , when there was a certain zeitgeist that imparted the Miracle on Ice with a significance far beyond a sporting event . Which got me to thinking , and wondering about the 1960 Winter Olympics . So I did a little internet research to fill in that blank area in my knowledge , as I like to do . What I found out about the 1960 games , has fascinated me , so I thought I would share it here . The 1960 Winter Olympics were held in Squaw Valley , California , which was the extent of what I knew about them prior to this week . Squaw Valley is place I had trouble picking out on a map when I first heard about them as a kid . All I knew was that it was in the Sierra Nevada , somewhere in California . Unless you have a detailed map , you 'd still be hard pressed to find it . About 5 years ago I was at a conference in Reno ( yeah , lucky me ) and took an afternoon to drive up into the mountains around Lake Tahoe . When I came upon signs to Squaw Valley I expected that there 'd be a town there , or at least a village . I was surprised to find nothing but a ski resort . And therein lies one of the most fascinating things about these Olympic Games . They were held almost entirely on the grounds of a single Ski Resort . The story behind it is that the resorts creator , Alexander Cushing , got the wild idea to bid for the winter Olympics after seeing an article that mentioned that Reno , Nevada , and Anchorage , Alaska were considering submitting bids . The fact that Squaw Valley was a town with no mayor , and claimed one ski resort with only one chairlift , two rope tows , and a fifty - room lodge , apparently did not deter him . In fact , Cushing was the only permanent inhabitant and homeowner in the whole area . He must have been quite a salesman because he eventually convinced the USOC to back his bid . How he managed to make the IOC 's list of finalists alongside , Innsbruck , Austria , Garmisch - Partenkirchen , Germany , and St . Moritz , Switzerland is beyond me . The fact that he beat them out would lead a cynic would think that bribery had to be involved . Regardless , after winning the bid in 1955 , he had 5 years to create a Winter Sports infrastructure to support an Olympic games . Now , in all fairness , the Winter Games in 1960 were not the extravaganza they are today . There were only 750 athletes from 30 nations , that competed in 15 alpine and ski jumping events , 8 speed skiing contests , 3 figure skating competitions and 28 hockey matches . In fact , he managed to house all of the athletes in the same purpose built hotel . It wasn 't an " Olympic Village " , just an " Olympic Hotel " . From an infrastructure perspective , he needed to create only a ski jumping hill , the alpine ski runs , a speed skating oval , an ice rink , and cross country ski trails . He managed to build all of these within a one square mile area . The pictures of the site are astounding . It 's as if the Olympic Games were a county fair . It 's interesting to note , that no Bobsled run was built , and that the IOC instead awarded the Olympic medals for Bobsleigh that year to the winner of the St . Moritz , World Cup meet . Blythe Arena , the Ice Rink , was an open air arena built under an A - frame roof . The side of the arena facing the ski hill was open to the sunlight , allowing a vista of the Ski Jumps , and Speed Skating Oval , as well as the finish area for the alpine events . The openness caused a bit of a headache in the lead up to the games , as the powerful sunlight began turning the ice on the rink into slush . So workers proceeded to hang strips of heavy ropes , like a bead curtain , to help diffuse the light . It must have worked because the games went on as planned . The 6 , 000 ft . altitude caused some difficulties for the athletes , and a few countries took advantage of oxygen tanks , to help their athletes recover after exertion . The story goes that the captain of the Russian team visited the locker room of the US team , in the second intermission of their gold medal game against Czechoslovakia , to tell them of this trick . The US followed his advice , and it helped them to score 6 goals in the 3rd period , and defeat the Czechs ( guaranteeing , the Soviets a silver in the process . ) The Squaw Valley games were also the first winter games to be televised live in the U . S . The opening and closing ceremonies , and many of the decorations around the site , were provided by none other than Uncle Walt Disney . Hard to get more post - war American than that . The following post is the second part of a four part story . Click here for Part 1 . I have been waffling over posting this one . It 's a bit different from other posts in that the bulk of it was written several years back in an aborted attempt at semi - autobiographical fiction . As I have alluded to in the past , this period of my life is know as " The Great American Novel " for the ridiculous convolution of it . I confess , what follows has been fictionalized quite a bit , and " artistic " license has been taken ( if a blogging hack can refer to his scrabbling as " artistic " ) . I 've done a bit of editing in the past few days to " bloggify " the post , and insert a little anonymity . To be honest , it 's a story that I find highly embarrasing , and am extremely self conscious about . So naturally I am putting it on the internet . My friends , I swear to you , it was not my intention that night to start a new relationship . I hadn 't even known she would be at our apartment . Returning home from a few hours playing basketball at the gym , I was soaked in sweat , and couldn 't have smelled much better than the horses that pastured in the field outside . But there she was , unforeseen , unwanted , and irresistible . As we stood in the doorway saying goodnight , I was afraid to ask her out and go down in flames with Scott and Kristine listening from behind his bedroom door . So I let it go at goodnight . Not content with a simple goodbye , she said " Well , have fun doing whatever it is you do . " and blushed . When she left I laughed out loud . She was nervous ! This beautiful , engaging girl was nervous over me . How could that be ? When I saw Kristine the next morning she came running over to me jumping up and down , " She likes you , she likes you ! When are you going to call her ? " I hesitated . I wanted to run right home and pick up the phone and ask her out that very night , but I didn 't want to seem desperate . I decided to wait one more day , and ask her out for next weekend . That night I walked around like I held a winning lottery ticket in my pocket . On Sunday evening I called her , and after a half hour conversation that held all of the electricity and tension of our first , we decided on dinner . She chose a little family diner in her hometown of Canton , just ten miles away . I picked her up the following Friday and drove her to dinner . We took turns telling stories , more hungry for knowledge about each other 's past than we were for supper . She was a North Country girl , and had grown up on a dairy farm outside Canton . Her Dad was president of the local milk cooperative , and her mother came from a moneyed family down in Cortland . The more we spoke , the more I felt like I had always known her . After dinner I offered her anywhere she wanted to go . She chose my apartment . Sitting in our drafty apartment in the dark of a winter night , talking until well past midnight I felt my grip beginning to slip . I hadn 't planned on a relationship . With graduation looming just three months away I didn 't want to find a girl I couldn 't leave behind , but here she was , and how could I say no ? I wanted to see her again the next night , but she had plans and I would have to wait . I couldn 't sleep . I lay awake looking up , as the headlights of passing cars projected shadowy figures on the ceiling . I was falling for her , and as much as I wanted to hold back I knew I couldn 't . So I fell . On Tuesday I went to the florist to get her a rose for Valentine 's Day . When I knocked on her door her roommate answered . She was at class , so I left my rose on her desk next to a bouquet of carnations , and I worried . I could see it coming , but it was already too late . Like a car accelerating towards an intersection as the light turned yellow , I had already committed . There was nothing to do now , but press the pedal down further and hope the cross traffic would brake . When she called to thank me for the flowers her voice dripped like honey from the receiver . We would see each other soon , next Friday . No dinner or movie , she just wanted to come over and play . It was just as well . I could hardly eat anyway . She showed up at the door with a school bag over her arm . It held a pack of construction paper , scissors , and four cans of modeling clay . She said I made her feel like a little kid . So we sat on the floor in my room , making cutouts of animals , and clay figurines . She 'd finish hers and set it on the desk next to mine , then squint as she cast a critical eye on them . " Yours looks more lifelike . " she 'd decide , and her brow would furrow . We set a date for the next weekend . Nothing fancy , just dinner and a movie . All week I felt a pain deep down in my gut , like a hunger I couldn 't feed . I survived on coffee and beer . When I picked her up , I knew something was wrong . She was subdued in the car on the way to the theater , and when we parked downtown and crossed the street she cast furtive glances all around . Before the movie began I asked her what was wrong . She told me she wasn 't feeling well . I offered to take her home , but she insisted on staying for the movie . I put my arm around her as the lights went out . After the movie she was full of questions about the plot . At some point she had fallen asleep . A fact she steadfastly denied , and only became upset with me as I teased her about it . Midwinter break was beginning , and my roommates had left for home already . When we got to my apartment , it was obvious that she was still in pain . I made her sit down , and gave her a glass of water . She insisted that she was fine , and did not want to leave . Looking up at me from the couch she said " I 'm seeing someone else " , and I started hurting too . She told me she hadn 't intended for it to happen . The night after we met she was at a party and had met another guy . He called her the night after I did to ask her out . What could she say ? We hadn 't yet had our first date , so she was under no obligation to me . She consented and they had their first date the night after ours . The problem for her was she liked us both . She hadn 't told him yet , and wouldn 't tell me who he was except to say that he was a classmate of mine . I was devastated . " What do we do next ? " I asked . She had no answer . We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity . She needed time to think , and told me to go home for the weekend . That she didn 't want to see either one of us until she knew which one she wanted . I got up and left the room . I drove her home , and then I packed my bags . Hidden in my dresser drawer was a note . On a neatly folded piece of tablet paper in red ink letters it read " I think I like you . " I was more confused than ever . I lay down in bed and turned off the light . Laying there in the dark I looked up at the shadowy silhouettes hoping that if I could decipher them I 'd make sense of the pain . A bit of a late start here at 20 Prospect this morning . I 'm still busy cleaning up after all the company that dropped by yesterday . Don 't get me wrong , I enjoyed all the visitors , I 'm just not used to them . I felt a little bit like Bilbo Baggins scurrying back and forth from the pantry to the front door to entertain his unexpected company . For no earthly reason I can determine , WordPress put my blog up on their home page yesterday morning . I figured something was up when comments started coming in about 15 minutes after I posted . By the end of the night 20 Prospect had hosted over 800 visitors , about ten times the normal traffic . I have to say , people were very good natured , not an internet troll among the bunch . So , if you are a new visitor to 20 Prospect , please have a seat , and let me get you some coffee . I stepped out this morning and picked up some donuts , so please help yourself . If you are one of my neighbors to the North , I have to apologize , they are Dunkin ' Donuts . Timmy 's has yet to come to Minnesota . Oh , who am I kidding . Most of the visitors here just followed an off ramp from the Information Superhighway , looked left , and right , then pulled back up the on ramp spraying gravel behind them as they left . So it 's back to normal today sitting in a chair by the window lost in daydreams . Winter has returned this morning , after our achingly beautiful February thaw . There is some lovely snow falling lightly in the light of the streetlamps outside . Nothing much , just a sprinkling to freshen things up a bit . We still have over a foot of it in the yard , and on the porch . After a few thaws , and freezes , it 's formed into a glacial consistency that will last us into April . The Indomitable Moxie has worn a path into the crust , as she patrols her kingdom against intrusions by squirrels , rabbits , and other menaces to Dogdom . April . Only 37 days away . We can make it . I know we can . The sunshine of the last week has given me hope . You would think after 42 years in a northern climate a person would get used to the interminable , bleak expanse of February and March , but you just never do . It makes springtime all the more anticlimactic when it does come . Oh , but May and June . Those haunted evenings of late spring when you hear the trilling of the catbirds through the open windows , and smell the scent of lilacs in the darkness . Those are the days that make it all worthwhile . It 's been 30 years to the day since the Miracle on Ice . Make no mistake , last night 's game was not of the same cultural , or even sporting significance . For one thing , Olympic hockey is pretty much an NHL all star tournament and not the amateur athletic event is used to be . For another , this was Canada , not quite the Evil Empire . More like the Milquetoast Empire . Really , it 's hard to demonize Canadians . It 's like having a hatred for vanilla ice cream . There 's nothing there to hate . Except for how insufferable they are about hockey . So beating them on their own turf , in their own Olympics , in front of 19 , 000 red clad Canadian fans is especially satisfying . The temperature soared to 40 degrees yesterday afternoon . While that may not sound warm to many people , anyone that has spent time in the North Country can tell you that 40 degrees in February is shirtsleeve weather . When the clouds clear out , and the sky sparkles crystalline blue , and that February sunshine pours down on you , it is so easy to let go of everything , and just live in the moment . The winter of 89 ′ and 90 ′ had been a cold one . I can remember shivering in the drafty farmhouse apartment as the wind blowing through the walls was strong enough to part your hair . One night it was so cold I dumped my dirty laundry on top of the bed to try to add more insulation between me and the arctic air . And when that February sunshine finally hit the North Country that year , I was ready to explode with joy . The last semester of my senior year of college had begun with an omen that should have convinced me right then to take six months off and finish my degree in the fall . Over the Christmas holiday I contracted the chicken pox while visiting my brother on Long Island . I arrived at school a week late from the break , still weak and feverish , and covered with red spots that made me resemble an acne riddled teenager . The lead up to the holidays had been promising enough . After a three year drought I was involved in the first real relationship of my college career . No small feat at an engineering school where the men outnumbered the woman six to one . Her name was Kate and she was a friend of my roommate 's fiancée Kristine . Kate was a sophomore with a single room in an on campus dorm that promised convenient trysting . Like Kristine , she was a member of the drama club , and carried with her all the stereotypes associated with it . I knew the drama queens . I 'd been to their parties . The ones where someone opens a wine cooler , and the mere smell of alcohol is enough to get them to take turns locking themselves in the bathroom over one perceived crisis or another . Then when everyone has had their chance to play the victim the party ends with everyone linked arm in arm singing along to Bette Midler 's " The Rose " . " Some say love it is a flower … " If I was lucky I 'd be inebriated enough by that point it would be more amusing than embarrassing . But the fact was I was lonely and desperate , and she was warm and inviting . At the start of my senior year I had moved into an off campus apartment in an old farmhouse six miles outside of Potsdam with my friend Scott . Living upstairs of an herbal soap shop run by a nice hippie couple had two main effects on my life . My clothes , and indeed my very skin , had taken on the smell of patchouli that permeated everything in that house . I had also become something of a hermit , so having a real flesh and blood girlfriend was a welcome addition to my sweet smelling monastic life . Scott 's fiancée Kristine had set us up on a date to the drama club fall banquet . As October ended and winter began in the North Country we had started dating . It wasn 't love no matter which script you read , hers or mine , but it was entertaining . Our dates that fall were like a made for TV movie . She was self conscious and deliberate with every movement , as if the film was rolling . Tilt head , flip hair , forced laugh , pan out and camera fade to black . It was great theater until the night I returned from Thanksgiving break and stopped by her room . When I entered and tried to kiss her , she turned her head and offered me her cheek . She was quite an actress . That one gesture told me everything that the following month of negotiations was yet to reveal . The network had canceled us after a six week run . There would be no Emmy for Best Male Actor in a drama series . So when I returned to school that January I had made up my mind . College was just 4 months away from ending forever and I wasn 't going to waste my time starting any more relationships that I wouldn 't be around to finish . I turned my attentions to finding a job , and enjoying what was sure to be the best semester of my 4 years at Clarkson . The first two weeks were uneventful as I tried to catch up with the course work I had missed , and secure interviews with on campus recruiters . Then one Friday evening in early February I returned from playing basketball at the gym and noticed a blue " K " car parked next to Scott 's in the parking lot outside our apartment . It was odd to see a strange car parked outside at night . The soap shop downstairs had closed hours before , and it was unusual to have visitors to our place unless there was a party planned . Walking into the apartment I was surprised to find a petite , brown eyed brunette sitting at the kitchen table with Scott and Kristine . Kristine introduced us . She was a friend of hers that was transferring to Clarkson after spending the fall semester at SUNY Geneseo . So I opened a beer , and pulled up a chair . She was quiet at first , but as Kristine began to work me into the conversation , she started to open up . She had been Kristine 's roommate the previous year , when they were both members of the Clarkson School , a program run by the University where high school students combined their senior year of high school with their freshman year of college . Before too long Kristine had left the room , and taken Scott with her , and I began to realize that Kristine was up to her tricks again . I didn 't mind . We were getting along quite well . She fired question after question at me , unafraid to look me straight in the eye , as if I were in a job interview . In a way I guess I was . Oh , if only I had just laughed it off , and let her drive away and out of my life I could have saved myself a lot of trouble , and heartache . I was 4 months shy of graduation . What would be the point of getting tangled up in a relationship ? But I never did the sensible thing . No , despite my better judgment I started something that I knew I wouldn 't be able to finish . The story of the next 4 months of my life , is embarrassing , and convoluted , and not one that I am ready to share with the world . Oh , I will eventually . But right now the sun is shining , it is 40 degrees outside , and somewhere I know there is more trouble to get into . Live and learn , live and learn 😉 Which of us has known his brother ? Which of us has looked into his father 's heart ? Which of us has not remained forever prison - pent ? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone ? O waste of loss , in the hot mazes , lost , among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder , lost ! Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language , the lost lane - end into heaven , a stone , a leaf , an unfound door . Where ? When ? O lost , and by the wind grieved , ghost , come back again . As the date stamp in the picture says , Christmas Eve 1990 . I was home for the first time since leaving college to start working on the road . After summer in the South , and autumn in the Midwest , I was home again . Home had become a prison that I longed to escape . The previous six years of my life had been focused on achieving just that . The sole purpose of my final two years at N . D . and my time at Clarkson , had been to get a degree and secure a job that would get me out . I had wanted it so long , I had forgotten why . Perhaps because in the world that I inhabited , leaving home behind for somewhere else was the definition of success . So here I was , Christmas Eve 1990 , the conquering hero returned . Yet I felt no joy . No victory had been won . No , the town , and life there had moved on without me . In fact , it didn 't even seem to notice that I was gone . This is perhaps the greatest irony that faces all of those who work their whole young lives to leave their small town behind . The town was bigger than them all along . It 's been a long time since I read Thomas Wolfe . I can remember reading " You Can 't Go Home Again " during the long hot summer of 1988 , as I spent countless hours riding the back roads of WNY in a Niagara Mohawk pickup truck . Sweaty , dirty , bored , sitting in the shade of a tree at some remote electrical substation during my lunch break reading . At the time I felt the truth that Wolfe was trying to communicate was that once you have grown beyond the provincial , and expanded your self in new and different ways , ways impossible without leaving home behind , that you could never fit back into that home . It was a theme that was no stranger to fiction , and has been mined for ever , dating back at least to the Greek Tragedies . The hero leaves home on a journey . The hero grows . The hero returns to find that he no longer belongs . But coming home myself that Christmas of 1990 , something felt different . It wasn 't that I no longer fit through the door , it was that the door had closed behind me . Whether I wanted to return or not , there was no way back in . The door was locked , and the keys lost . Poised there on that doorstep as a stranger for the first time , I realized that the door that led out , was not the same as the door that would lead back in . |
More Images on this website have been digitally watermarked with ownership and usage information . Digimarc and the Digimarc logo are registered trademarks of Digimarc Corporation . The " Digimarc - Enabled " Web Button is a trademark of Digimarc Corporation , used with permission . Contact the Author The next morning I got Belle into a cat carrier . The game plan was to pick up Buddy , then get Belle examined . Sam would meet us an hour later with Nicky and we 'd all go home in a mini - caravan . Dr . Mary examined Belle . No surprise , her teeth are terrible . Two canines ( fangs ) are hyper - extended and loose . One back tooth is broken . There 's a lot of gum disease and irritation ; possibly more than those three teeth need to come out . We updated Belle 's vaccinations and I got an estimate of $ 700 - 950 to do the dental procedure . We 'd just spent $ 2000 on Buddy . There wasn 't much left . I 'd have to do another fundraiser for Belle and hope we could make it happen soon . Having bad teeth for easily over a year was cruel . Again , I thought about O . F . , ignoring his cat 's health , while they were in pain . All it would have taken was a trip to the vet once in awhile and even a slightly better diet would have helped . Sam arrived with Nicky . As always , Nicky was meowing loudly as Sam entered the clinic . I was anxious about the blood test . I prayed it would be ok and that Nicky 's numbers weren 't too much worse . In July , Nicky got really sick and had to be on an IV for a few days , but he recovered . His kidney function had gotten worse and Sam had to give him fluids every day instead of 3 times a week . It was a small price to pay if it kept Nicky with us longer . I was hoping that Nicky 's phosphorus levels were high . We could fix that . The side effects of lethargy and weight loss fit , but that was true of a lot of issues . Dr . Mary examined Nicky . He 'd lost a dramatic amount of weight . He was down to 14 pounds , when he 'd been pretty stable at 16 pounds for years . They ran the blood work and the results were shocking . Nicky 's BUN and Creatinine were so high the brand new IDEXX machine could not factor them . His phosphorus was up . He was very anemic , too . Dr . Mary said we could put Nicky on an IV and see how he responded . Nicky also had recently , within a day or so , chipped one of his canine teeth . Dr . Mary thought either Nicky fell , or more likely had another seizure we didn 't know about and broke his tooth . We discussed giving Nicky fluids for a few days , then trying to do a quick dental to get the tooth out . It would be touch and go , but we 'd give it a try , of course . This was Nicky . He 'd had many health issues over the years , but we always found a way to shore him back up . Even if we were not sure how we were going to pay for his care , it was going to get done . So we agreed to leave Nicky at the vet and bring Belle and Buddy home . Sam loaded them into his car and I drove ahead in mine , thinking I 'd unlock the front door and be ready to help him get the cats into the house when he arrived . But even a simple task like that turned into a high stress situation . No sooner than I got her inside I heard Sam yell my name . Sam NEVER yells . I put Belle down and ran to the car to find Sam scrambling to grab Buddy who was sitting IN THE DRIVEWAY . The cheap cat carrier had fallen apart when Sam lifted it and Buddy fell out . We got Buddy and Belle settled . They were both upset and cranky , but at least they were both starting to eat something other than dry food . I tried to get some long overdue work started , but the phone rang . It was Dr . Mary . Though she always sounds cheerful and upbeat , her message was not . She reported that Nicky had just had a grand mal seizure . They gave him more valium . He was resting , but she wanted me to know . I told Sam the bad news , but that was nothing compared to what was going to come next . A few hours later , Dr . Larry called . He wanted to speak with me and Sam . He has never asked to speak with both of us at the same time so I knew it was bad news . He said he had looked over Nicky 's test results and apologized for interfering with Dr . Mary 's assessments , but he had to give us his opinion . He 'd been Nicky 's Vet for most of Nicky 's life . Dr . Larry often joked about catnapping Nicky because Nicky was such a great cat , one he had a special connection with . We knew that Dr . Larry was as devoted as we were to giving Nicky the best life we could , but what he said next we were not ready to hear . Dr . Larry told us that in his many decades as a Vet he rarely , if ever , saw a cat or dog come back from off - the - charts kidney numbers and live very long after they were taken off an IV . On top of that , Nicky also had something else going on . It was either lymphoma or meningioma . Something was effecting his central nervous system , causing the seizures . When Nicky had seized , Dr . Larry was the one who held him through it and gave him comfort . He told us that with what was on Nicky 's plate and all the challenges he faced , that the best thing for Nicky was to let him go . Before we could ask he added that , yes , we could take him home for the night , but Nicky was at high risk of having a deadly seizure and dying in a lot of pain . We could take him to the ER Vet and spend a few thousand dollars keeping him on an IV for a few days , then see if his numbers responded well , but again , if it did buy us time , it would not be much time at all and Nicky would be in a cold , sterile place with strangers and die with them . If he survived that , maybe we 'd be able to bring Nicky home but we 'd face the same issues all over again , the same fears about seizures and his kidneys were shot . We couldn 't fix that . We 've always known that Nicky would not be with us forever , but we were not ready to say goodbye to him so soon . The world was spinning out of control and we just wanted it to stop . Having to see my old boyfriend and know he was going to die , after the stress of getting his cats , trying to raise funds with no time to do so , trying to get his cats to eat , not fight with each other , not be so horribly depressed … now this . Nicky and Sam have always been deeply bonded to each other . Though I talked with Sam about our options , it was only right for Sam to choose what we would do next . It was 5 o ' clock at night . The Vet closed at 7 PM . We didn 't have much time to make a life or death decision . We talked . We cried . We listed very " what if " we could think of , but in the end we both agreed we wanted Nicky to have peace if there really was nothing else we could do . With no kidney function , Nicky was being poisoned by his own bodily fluids . It wasn 't right to let anything cause him any further pain . I began to fuss , preparing as fast as I could for what we would need . Staying busy kept me from falling apart . We just lost our dear cat Cricket four months ago . Here we were again , in this terrible place . I listed what to do in my head as I began gathering items : find a nice cloth to wrap Nicky 's body , bring something for Nicky that he would like as a special treat , print out a photo of us to put with Nicky 's body after he passed away , figure out how to get a paw print if we could . I didn 't want Sam to have to do this . Nicky was his boy . I would drive us to the Vet . I would take on the burden as much as I could , even if my heart was breaking , too . Sam didn 't need to have to worry about anything else . I 'd just left the Vet a few hours before and here I was again . I 'd been there every day that week . We were silent as I drove us to the vet , our hearts so heavy a single word would have burst open a dam of heartache . I didn 't want to walk in the door . I wanted to turn around and run out , but I couldn 't do that . I couldn 't do that to Sam or to Nicky . They brought Nicky in to see us in an exam room . Seeing him again made my stomach hurt and my legs go weak . He looked worn down , but calm . The vallium , no doubt , was wearing away any stress he was feeling . They told us to take our time . I took out a soft towel and put it in Sam 's lap . He cradled Nicky as he 'd done so many times over the years . Nicky rested comfortably in his arms . The only thing different was that Nicky had a catheter in place in his left front leg from being on an IV . The overhead lights were too bright . I turned them off and Sam turned on the softer lights that illuminated only the counter under some cabinets . We were both crying and petting Nicky . I took some photos , not sure I 'd ever want to see them again . We told Nicky how much we loved him . Nicky relaxed , " made muffins , " in the air and purred . I gave him a catnip banana . He enjoyed rubbing his face on it while he relaxed . He didn 't appear to be a cat who needed to be euthanized . He was still our Nicky . Dr . Larry came in to talk to us . Again he told us why he felt it was time , but respected that if we disagreed it was okay for us to do something else . Dr . Larry has always been understanding , no matter what we decided about treatment . We asked more questions , hoping to find an answer not thought of , a treatment or case he knew about where we could still have hope , but there were none . Dr . Larry left to prepare the injections after we agreed it was time . He gave us as much time as he could , but the clinic was going to close soon . We 'd had a final hour with Nicky , loving him as much as we were able , but now it was time to say goodbye forever . Sam held Nicky , while Nicky continued to purr in his arms . The hushed tones in the room gave way to a feeling of love that filled the space . Nicky was with his favorite people , including his friend Dr . Larry . As Dr . Larry gave him the first injection Nicky 's purr silenced as he relaxed further . I was standing behind Sam and Nicky , just petting Nicky , not wanting to see him die . I couldn 't look any more . The second injection was given . I turned my head and continued to pet Nicky and tell him I loved him over and over again . I could hear Dr . Larry fussing with something . He took his stethoscope out and listened to Nicky 's chest . There was no sound . He nodded , turned and silently left the room . I got to work . Not wanting to see Nicky 's lifeless form . I got the photo of us out of my bag and wrote a note on it to Nicky . I took one of Sam 's fleece shirts and carefully placed it on the exam table , spreading it out flat , removing all the wrinkles . This is what we would wrap Nicky 's body in because when the sleeves where folded over him , it would be like he had an eternal hug from his daddy . I was sobbing so hard I could barely stand . I tried to focus on my tasks , but my head felt like it was going to split in two from agony . I tried to be strong for Sam but I was failing . I offered to take Nicky so Sam could write something on the photo . Nicky 's body was limp . We often joked he was a boneless cat , but he was limp in a way that was more like a wet rag . It was difficult to hold him . I gently placed Nicky onto the fleece . I placed the catnip toy next to his head and slipped the photo under his body . I wrapped the sleeves across him and gave him a last kiss . Nicky would be cremated with all these things . I hoped that somehow he would know and it would comfort him . I wanted to get out of that room and never come back again . This couldn 't have happened . We didn 't just have our beloved cat put to sleep . We had no time to prepare . No warning . It happened all too fast . I 'd spent 12 of the past 16 years loving that cat . He became part of my family when Sam moved in . Sam had had Nicky since he was a few months old . Nicky 's death felt more like losing a limb . I didn 't know how we were going to walk in the front door and know we would never seem him again , let alone live another day without our sweet , silly , boneless , goofy , loving , gentle , giant who often hogged the bed when he spooned with Sam each night . I 'm going to write a memorial about Nicky some day . Right now my heart is broken . Over the past year we 've lost Gracie , Cricket and now Nicky . 2016 has been one of the worst years of my life . I keep thinking that things have to get better , but they don 't . I keep wondering how Sam and I can keep going forward when we feel kicked to the curb over and over again . I 'm grateful , at least , that we gave Nicky a very loved , peaceful , gentle passing . His experience really was to just go to sleep . He wasn 't in pain and he died in his daddy 's arms ; the arms of the guy who loved him most in the world . We will always love you , Nicky , and miss you and wish your life didn 't have to end so soon . Fly Free sweet boy . July 2000 - November 17 , 2016 . And as for O . F . , I 'm truly sorry you 're so sick . I 'm not sure how sick you really are , but I do know how sick your cats are . For someone who has indulged himself , cheated on his partners , lived large most of his life , it wouldn 't have cost you much to provide a half - way decent diet to your poor cats , to get them a scratching post or a toy , to have a vet look at them , even a few times . Now I 'm left to pick up the pieces . These poor cats are depressed and in pain and have been so for years . In all honesty , if you told me you were well and wanted your cats back I 'd tell you to shove it . In the weeks they 've been here you never contacted me even ONCE to see how they were doing . You don 't deserve the unconditional love these cats give . They are gentle , sweet , and so very charming . You told me you believed in Karma and didn 't understand why this happened to you . I believe in Karma , too , and I totally get it . Thing is , O . F . NEVER took his cats to the vet in their entire LIFE ( other than the waste - of - time visit Buddy had a few days before we picked up the cats where the Vet wanted to run some tests and where they said not to bother ) . They 'd been fed cheap dry food for SIX YEARS . They never were given " people food , " nor did they get canned food of any kind . I didn 't see a scratching post or a toy in the apartment they shared with O . F . . I asked O . F . if I could bring a cat bed or blanket with me that they slept on so they 'd have something familiar smelling when they came to my home . There was NOTHING there for me to take . What kind of life did they have ? I asked for a very generous financial donation towards their care . I figured it would probably cost me about $ 2000 ( this is without even knowing what might really be going on with them ) . I got half that amount . It 's not that I wasn 't grateful . I was , but I also assumed they both needed dental cleanings , at least , and that I couldn 't cover those costs with what we had . It wasn 't fair to ask me to take these cats on , with all the issues we knew about , plus the fear of what was to come and to do it for FREE or to magically pay for it when we didn 't have the funds to do so . Yes , O . F . is very sick but he also didn 't tell me that with chemo he could live another year to THREE years . Somehow he skipped telling me that fact . I learned it through a friend of his . Was this such a dire situation or an easy way out to play the " C " card when he probably could have found a family member or friend to take the cats ? It would have required effort and time , and I 'm betting he didn 't want to deal with it . I began to feel my hackles go up , wondering if I 'd been duped . Once we got the cats home and I got a chance to really look at them , it was clear they were in terrible shape . I have six - year old cats , too , but these guys acted twice that age . Buddy kept going in and out of the litter pan . He could pass some urine , but I could tell it wasn 't enough . The fact that he kept going to the pan meant he was in pain and something was wrong . His eyes were running badly . His coat was dry . He was terrified and withdrawn . He and Belle were growling at each other . The two of them were quite overweight , with Belle overshadowing her brother by a lot . I made an appointment for Buddy to see Dr Larry . I wanted to give it a few days so Buddy could calm down , but I was concerned that Buddy had crystals in his bladder . All it would take would be for one to slip into his urethra and cause a blockage , which would be an expensive emergency surgery . I prayed it was only a bladder infection , which would only mean giving him antibiotics for a few weeks . I knew we 'd have to run blood work and urinalysis , update Buddy 's vaccinations and test him for Feline Leukemia and FIV so he could be adopted one day . I added up what I thought would be the costs in my head having had these things done so many times before . We could get by with what I had , but just barely . But Buddy was too sick to delay getting him to the vet . Dr . Larry had to keep him for the day in the hopes he could get some urine to test . I got a call a few hours later . Buddy had a lot of blood in his urine . They did an x - ray and his bladder was full of LARGE stones . While we could change his diet , get him off dry and give it time over doing surgery , we 'd be at high risk of him blocking up . We couldn 't wait . I begged a favor to pay off the costs over time , so we could do the surgery the next day . Buddy stayed at the Vet overnight while I began to do an emergency fundraiser . There was no way we could afford to drop $ 2000 . 00 . I hate asking for donations . I shouldn 't run a non - profit cat rescue . While I am deeply humbled and so very grateful we get the help we need when we need it , we NEVER have much in the bank to fall back on when there 's an emergency and that stresses me out to no end . Dr . Larry said his bladder was loaded and the stones were very large . Buddy had to have been in pain for a very long time . Knowing that made my blood boil because O . F . lives about a block , tops , from a Vet . How hard would it have been to get the cat checked out years ago ? Instead of saying no to diagnostics , say yes . Find out what is going on and face it . No . That was on me to deal with . While Buddy recovered from surgery , I knew I needed to find out what was going on with his sister Belle . She wasn 't eating ; not a bite for days . Nothing . I had to syringe feed her and that was very difficult . I 've syringe - fed cats MANY times but Belle fought , spit , hissed , growled . Some how she spit cat food all over the ceiling . She also upset Buddy so much he ran behind me and attacked me , clawing my behind . Yes ! It 's called re - directed aggression . Belle got upset and it upset Buddy so he attacked whoever was close to him - - - ME ! I was not loving having these cats in my house . Meanwhile , our 16 - year old cat , Nicky , was depressed . I could tell he was in pain , too . He was losing weight even though we were offering him food many times a day . I was very worried about him . Nicky had a seizure a few weeks ago right under my office desk , while I was working on a design project . I rushed him to the Vet where they put him on valium to stop the episode . Later that night , Sam took him to a neurologist where we learned he 'd lost some vision in his left eye . It might come back . It might not . He might have underlying lymphoma causing the seizures , but it was too soon to do more tests . We started Nicky on Phenobarbital but it left him doped up and miserable . We changed his medication but he still wasn 't right . He would " forget " the litter pan was in front of him and would urinate on the floor . Having chronic kidney disease , also meant when Nicky peed , it was a tremendous amount of output , often covering half of our kitchen floor . If he did it overnight while we were asleep , the urine would warp the wood floor near the kitchen . It infuriated me and kept me on edge . Every time Nicky got up , Sam or I would have to keep an eye on him because many times we 'd have to grab him before he peed on the floor . I had to remind myself that it wasn 't Nicky 's fault at all . We loved him and would do what we had to do . The urine was very dilute anyway . It was mostly like cleaning up water , but it was exhausting trying to keep up . © 2016 Robin AF Olson . Our sweet Nicky , not feeling well at all . By the way , when you see your cat is depressed , something is wrong . They should be taken to a Vet to be checked out . The night Buddy has his surgery , Nicky really seemed to be feeling lousy . Sam hadn 't given him his fluids because he got home late and was tired . I pushed Sam to do the fluids , while we made sure Nicky had a nice meal . Sam sat on the sofa and held Nicky as he often did , like a baby with his belly up and his hind legs stretched out . Sam was cold so I wrapped a blanket around his shoulders so he wouldn 't have to disturb Nicky . He sat there for a long time in the dark , just holding and comforting his dear cat . I asked Sam about getting Nicky 's blood work checked in the morning . I had an appointment set for Belle . He could have my appointment if there weren 't any others that day . Belle could wait if needed . He agreed Nicky should be seen . I felt good going to bed that night . Nicky seemed much happier and comfortable . He didn 't come upstairs to snuggle with us as he used to do because he was somewhat weakened by his illness . We didn 't want to push him to do something he couldn 't do and Sam was worried he would fall and hurt himself getting on or off the bed . Everything that wasn 't related to caring for cats , cleaning up after the cats , or trying to figure out what was wrong with the cats , was put on hold over the weekend . Plans were cancelled . I made notes about who was eating , what they ate , if they vomited . I did research and spoke to my friends who were as confused as I was as to what was going on . We tossed around some ideas : Feline panleukopenia / Distemper , Parasites , a virus , food bourne illness . Nothing really added up . Four of the nine cats weren 't eating . One cat was vomiting . Two cats had diarrhea ( that I knew of ) . Four cats were " limp . " © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Mr . Unhappy at the Vet . Thankfully Spencer 's blood work was normal , good even , for an 11 year old cat . I was in a trance of despair . I couldn 't do much other than worry . My temper was on a hair trigger . As I laid in bed Saturday night , hoping that by Sunday things would get better , I realized I was alone . There were no other cats on the bed . Spencer , who has a little routine with me most nights , was nowhere to be seen . My heart sank as I realized how much he meant to me . My inner voice chided me with a quote from an unknown author ; " You never know what you 've got until it 's gone . " Usually after I get into bed , I turn over onto my right side . Spencer will walk from the foot of the bed up towards my head . I have my right hand under my pillow . He 'll lay across my arm and place his front paws onto my pillow , pining me in place . He 's so fluffy that his fur covers my face . His purr is so loud I have no hope of sleeping . It sounds terrible , but I like it . I like the closeness - that he wants to send me off to dreamland even if it means he 's smothering me ( in a nice way , I 'm sure ) . Other nights he 'll wait until I turn onto my left side . He 'll make the same initial approach , but this time he 'll turn his back to me and snuggle under my arm , effectively spooning with me . He never stays more than 15 minutes or so , but it 's his way of saying good night . As I pet him , I relax and can fall asleep knowing all is well with my little cat - world . Yet there was no good night that night or the next . I woke each morning in a panic , wondering where Spencer was . He was hiding between two storage containers under the bed or he found he way back into the basement to hide so well it took another hour to find him . I couldn 't bear it . Worrying about Spencer was bad enough , but it 's curious how something completely banal , like feeding your cat , becomes the most precious moment of the day when your cats are sick . I so desperately wanted my cats to eat , but even the ones I didn 't believe were sick barely touched their food . By Sunday , with tempers flaring between the human residents , I left the house . It wasn 't to escape , even if in my heart I wished I could just keep driving . It was simply to buy cat food . My goal was to purchase a wide variety of food , from expensive delicacies to what I would consider total junk . We were on day three . The cats HAD to eat . Everyone who works at the store where I buy my cat food knows me - no surprise . As I walked into the store , Lindsey came over to say hello . She took one look at my expression and asked me what was wrong . I told her about the cats being sick and she walked me over to the cat food aisle to help me make some choices . Most of you know I 'm very picky about what my cats eat . They NEVER get dry food , but this time I had to make an exception . I figure if I eat cookies ( more often than I care to admit - like right now while I 'm writing this ) , they can have kibble this ONE time IF they 'd eat it . I 'd get something high quality , with only one grain . I 'd also by lower quality canned food and some very nice " on your birthday " type of expensive canned food . At that point it didn 't matter - as long as they ate . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Oh Lindsey , you slay me ! Linsey excused herself , then returned a few moments later . She asked me what I thought . I looked up and in her hands was a huge sex toy . My eyes almost popped out of my head ! Before I could say a word she said ; " No … it 's a DOG toy … for DOGS . " For a moment , all the tension in my body slipped away as if a trap door opened up under it and it rushed into a puddle at my feet . I took a photo and smiled , appreciating the fleeting moment of happiness . Just as quickly , my shoulders slumped and I sighed as I turned to select a few more cans of food . Back to it . I had to get home soon . Petunia and Gracie weren 't eating . After trying many options , I finally cajoled ' Tunie into eating a small amount of dry food , but the second the other cats heard the sound of it hit the dish they ALL wanted some . Since Petunia is skittish , trying to feed her without the other cats interfering was nearly impossible . I had to toss them pieces of kibble so they 'd run off to grab them as Petunia took wary mouthfuls , ready to dash off if I moved too fast . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . I blocked some of this out . You get the point without having to see the goo in all it 's " gory . " Nicky remained the most sick of all the cats . We caught him moving his bowels on the floor , then caught him peeing on the floor . Either he was too sick or in too much pain to make it to the pan . All we could do was clean it up and move on . I decided we needed to give the sick cats subQ fluids . I 'd completely forgotten how beneficial it might be , especially if they had diarrhea they 'd suffer fluid loss . We had a phone consult with a homeopathic Vet in Florida ( thanks to Jen for hooking us up at the last minute ! ) who agreed that fluids would be great . We were to also try some remedies that I had on hand and we had to get some Bentonite Clay to help cure the liquid stools without having to use harsh pharmaceuticals . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Spencer got 80 mL because he was too cranky to get more . Sam and I were barely speaking to each other at that point , but we worked together to get the cats their fluids . I also took the temperature of some of the cats ( I want to keep all my fingers so I couldn 't temp all of them ) and gave them their remedy and the Bentonite Clay . I felt that in doing something like this it was at least buying us time . Maybe it would help , who knew ? None of the cats I tested had a fever . That was good news . We could hold off on going back to the Vet for awhile longer . I felt a glimmer of pride that we got the job done . I was rewarded a few hours later when Spencer came over to me and " told me " he was hungry . He didn 't eat much , but he did eat . No other cats seemed to be getting sick , but that could change in a heartbeat if this was something that the cats could reinfect each other with . So far the kittens in the foster room were eating well and behaving normally . At least they were all right ( so far , knock wood ! ) . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Both feeling sick and tired , Spencer and I have a nap . Any satisfaction I had was short lived . I got sick , too . Was this a coincidence or was this yet another clue ? I felt awful and though I wasn 't vomiting I did have other similar symptoms to what the cats were experiencing . What the HELL was going on ? Nicky was the camel and white colored canary in the coal mine . It started on Friday . Nicky wasn 't " right . " He wouldn 't eat and he vomited . As I was about to brush my teeth , I heard the sound of water running . I turned to see Nicky urinating on the floor a few feet away from me . A few hours later , he walked over to the base of a cat tree and began to urinate on it - not even stopping as I started to scream , unable to reach him through the jungle of furniture blocking my way . I was jumping up and down like a two year old having a tantrum . I had no effect on his eliminating . He just kept peeing . There was no way to get to him from where I was standing so all I could was watch him ruin something else . Nicky has Chronic Renal Failure and has been known to get urinary tract infections ( as I wrote about HERE ) . Clearly something was WRONG . Dr . Larry was out of town until Monday so I made an appointment to bring him in then . I HATE it when Dr . Larry goes away because we often seem to have an emergency when he 's not available . As the day wore on , Nicky grew weaker . I took his temperature . It was 103 . 2 ° F . He had a fever . We couldn 't wait until Monday . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Fun at the Emergency Vet … and this was the cost to basically have them hook up the IV to Nicky 's catheter ( which was in place already ) and giving him a place to lay in over night . Dr . C examined Nicky and took his temperature again . It was over 104 ° F . They took some blood and did an in - house test . The good news was that basically the values did not indicate something terrible was going on - like kidney failure or high white blood count , which would show he had an infection . The bad news was that we didn 't know what was going on but with a fever on the rise we agreed he should be on an IV . The Vet closed in two hours so they could get him started , but we 'd have to move him to the Emergency Vet to continue treatment overnight . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . Portait of a sick kitty . Sam and I cringed . Hearing " Emergency Vet " means huge expense . How were we going to pay for all of this ? How could we not ? We HAD to find a way . Both of us were panicking . We had to wait and see how Nicky would respond to treatment first before we 'd even know if he needed to be moved . With all the commotion going on with Nicky , I didn 't get to pay as much attention to the others cats as I would have liked . Even with that , I did notice something out of the ordinary . When we got home around 7pm , I realized I hadn 't seen Spencer ALL DAY . I knew he hadn 't eaten his breakfast . He 's not always a fan of turkey , but this cat always shows up for a meal . Sam and I tore through the house , calling out to Spencer . The longer it took , the more I started to panic . Had he gotten outside ? Was he stuck in a closet ? Spencer has no real meow , so he couldn 't cry to us for help . Where the heck was he ? Why wasn 't he showing up for dinner ? Now that I thought about it , where were the rest of the cats ? None of them were hungry and waiting by their food dishes . Something was wrong . Something bad . Sam found Spencer in the basement , which is very tough area for the cats to get into . For Spencer to not be near me or near any of us was a bad sign . Spencer wouldn 't eat his dinner . In fact most of the cats were off their food . I told myself there was no need to panic . No one would die without eating for a day . The next morning we got the news that Nicky 's fever broke and he 'd eaten a small amount of food . He was ready to come home . The news should have been cause for celebration , but Spencer had vanished again and I knew he had to go to the Vet , too . It wasn 't a big , obvious sign of sickness but it 's so out of the ordinary I had to make sure he wasn 't sick , too . Again I started to panic . We 'd just spent so much money on Nicky , would anything be left for Spencer ? I was angry and resentful , all stemming from the fear that I wouldn 't be able to do for Spencer what we just did for Nicky . If Spencer was ailing , I HAD to do something for him , but my own Vet refused to just give me antibiotics without seeing the cat firstI realized they were right , but I was truly hurting . There 's dust in my bank account . I thought about home remedies and trying to avoid a Vet visit , but Spencer was due for blood work and a checkup anyway . If I could avoid hospitalizing him , I 'd be able to have the exam and tests for done , but I couldn 't do much more . I took Spencer 's temperature . It was 102 . 3 ° F which put him in the range to be percolating a fever . I was really missing Dr . Larry and wishing I didn 't have to see Dr . C , but he 'd seen Nicky so he could compare the cat 's symptoms . The exam went fairly well . The Vet retained use of his fingers . Spencer 's not the easiest cat to mess with and he gets crabby if he 's at the Vet . I warned the staff and fussed over Dr . C , worried he 'd get bitten . Spencer was pretty good - for Spencer . They managed to get some blood and sent it out for testing . Since we didn 't know what was going on the Vet suggested putting him on antibiotics " just in case , " but I won 't do that without having a darn good reason . It could make whatever is going on even worse . I 'd do the best I could for Spencer until we had the test results . I started making charts and lists of each cat - if they ate , if so , what they ate . I was looking for a pattern . I began to have suspicions that Gracie , Petunia and Jackson were also getting sick based on my notes about them not eating and their behavior . I knew I 'd just had Boogie in the house . He was separated from my cats and I washed my hands and showered after I was with him , even though I didn 't touch the kitten until the last day he was here . Boogie was VERY sick , but he had an upper respiratory infection , not something potentially gastrointestinal . What was going on ? Feeding time was bizarre , maybe one or two cats showed up for their food . The others weren 't even in the vicinity . I 'm so accustomed to the energy of feeding time , the cats circling , meowing , the sound of them lapping at their food . It was too quiet . My babies weren 't eating . My fear factor increased tenfold . Did I bring something into the house to sicken them ? How was I going to be able to provide more and more Vet care for ALL my cats at the SAME TIME ? How was I going to keep each one alive ? Some of them are very tough to handle . How could I help them survive whatever was going on ? Saturday night the mood in the house was downright miserable . Nicky stopped eating again . of course , the benefits of the IV wore off . Whatever he had , whatever Spencer and the others may have was not going to just go away . We had to buckle down and figure something out . The clock was ticking . The spector of Hepatic Lipidosis was hanging over our heads . If the cats didn 't start eating soon , they could all sicken and die . This is why you can 't put a cat on a diet . This is why if you don 't get some food into the cat after four days , your cat could enter a whole new world of pain . I 'm like a cat . I like my little routine . I like the predictability of the day . When there are jostles and bumps , I can handle it , to a point , but this week , had I known how it was going to unveil itself , I might have skipped over to next week . With my hand beginning to recover , though still very tender , and with new antibiotics no longer making me sick , I set to the task of focusing on helping Bobette with her recovery and to continue working with Jakey and Teddy , to help them overcome their tummy troubles , as well as keep them from going stir crazy in their small bathroom home . The days are long and there is little time for a proper meal or just plain old sitting around in front of the TV . I admit the need for a break . Last night I thought I had one . As it often does , once I sit down , the cats act up . Maybe one starts being aggressive with another , or one is acting like he 's going to pee on the floor because the litter pan isn 't pristine . I 'm constantly getting up , then sitting down , getting up , then down . I don 't think I 've ever just sat for even 15 minutes without something going on that I need to tend to and last night was no different . I heard an odd sound . It wasn 't very loud , nor did it last very long . I turned off the volume on the TV and listened . I knew something was wrong so once again , I got up . Blitzen and the DOOD were in my office , frantically trying to get behind a file cabinet and a printer stand . There was something else in the room , but that sound was not the sound of a mouse . It was bigger . I started to tick off in my mind what it could be and the options were not very appealing . It could have been , God forbid , a rat ? A squirrel ? A raccoon ? opossum ? What the HELL was in my house ? There 's very little room in my office to walk around . It 's a small room to begin with and I have it full of bookshelves and storage for a zillion years of graphic design project files and reference books . It 's not a pig sty but it 's not meant for more than me and a few cats to hang out in . Trying to get to a wild animal in this room was going to mean things getting broken and or possibly someone getting hurt . Sam got the big flashlight out and was trying to see what was going on . I stood by the doorway with a Maglite , shining it under the furniture . While the cats were going crazy , I saw something move . It was BIG . This was no mouse or rat . I yelled to Sam as the thing made a move for it . Somehow it got across the room over to my bookshelves . Sam could have grabbed it , but was unable to , allowing the creature to get into the space between the wall and the bookcase . Sam directed his flashlight into the space . The creature was halfway up the back of the bookcase . It was a flying squirrel . How the HELL were we going to get that thing out of the house in one piece ? There was no moving furniture , that was for sure . We couldn 't open the window because it 's a big window that opens left to right . The screen would be about four feet square , at least and even if we could get it out , there was no room to back up to get it out of the way … AND I live in the woods . You open the window to let something out , odds are you will get something back IN while you 're at it . It was already pushing 10pm . What were our options ? We didn 't have a small humane trap . We couldn 't just leave the door open and wait for the cats to scare it out at 3am . Sam went to look for something and I grabbed the maglite - which weighs a few pounds . I don 't know why , but it slipped out of my hand onto my big toe . The pain was so severe that I almost passed out . I started SCREAMING and CRYING , desperately trying to leave my body it hurt so bad . I thought the cat bite was painful - this was nothing in comparison . And Sam … just stood there while I writhed in agony on the floor . I was in so much pain I couldn 't talk . My mind was abuzz . I was trying to think … what to do ? How to stop this PAIN ! ! Why isn 't Sam doing ANYTHING ? ! Do I have to tell him ? What if I was having a heart attack ? Would he stand there and look at me , too ? Now I was really pissed on top of being in agony . I shouted at him to get me some ice . The pain kept coming in violent waves that made me shiver . I tried to bend my toe . I could bend it a bit , but it was too much . . too much . . and now I 'm thinking about the damn flying squirrel in my office . The cats were going to get it or some crazy shit was going to happen any second now . I had to stop hurting so I could get back to the problem at hand , but the pain was just getting worse . Sam got some ice , but was very awkward about the whole thing . I guess not everyone is good at being in charge when someone else is in pain . Me , I just get things done , take charge , help out . I don 't wait to be told what to do if it 's an emergency . Here I am rocking back and forth , trying to calm down , while he says barely a word . I really felt like I was on my own . Great . Just what I needed . I asked him to turn on a light so I could see my foot . It didn 't look as bad as I thought , but it was already swollen and discolored . I guess I will loose that toenail one of these days . I bent my toe , it was painful but I could bend it . The ice made it hurt worse , but I had to do it so I sat there for 20 minutes while the tears dried on my face , and iced the injury . Meanwhile , the cats were lurking around , hoping the flying squirrel would come down and play with them . After the " incident " I was " done " for the night . I didn 't care who ate what at that point . I was going to bed to nurse my wounds . I suggested to Sam to put a cat carrier in my office with some peanut butter on a plate inside it . To shut my office door so the cats could not get in it and we 'd deal with it in the morning . I slept for a few hours , then woke when Sam came to bed at after 1AM . I couldn 't get back to sleep . My toe was throbbing painfully . I finally got up and took a fist full of aspirin . After a few hours I fell asleep again , only to wake up in pain when the alarm went off at 7 : 30 . He was not in the cat carrier and hadn 't touched the food . Sam found him behind my printer stand where I keep my battery backup and surge protectors . A cat bed had slipped behind the printer stand , onto the floor . The little flying squirrel was sleeping on the bed . He moved a bit , but seemed to be sleeping . The cats were forming a line outside my office . They all wanted to " help " get the flying squirrel , but I was not going to let that happen . I called Wildlife in Crisis and they told me that flying squirrels are easy to trap . To put out black oil sunflower seed and some walnuts . Oddly enough I had both of those things , so all I needed was a trap . We had to leave to bring Nicky to see Dr . Larry . Nicky has renal disease . I 'm not sure how severe it is , but the fact that we have to learn how to give Sub Q fluids means he 's lost a lot of kidney function . While we were out we were going to find a trap . I made some calls and thankfully , my buddy Carolee , who is the Animal Control Officer of Newtown , said I could borrow one of hers . I got back home , dropped Nicky off , then got ready to head out to get the trap . I didn 't go into my office for fear of spooking the flying squirrel out into the rest of the house . I stopped over at the Dog Pound and had a nice visit with Carolee and Matt . They had some small traps that were ancient . One had a newspaper lining the bottom . I joked it looked like it was from the 1800 's . I felt hopeful that we 'd get the flying squirrel out by tonight . I figured I would set the trap , shut the door to my office with me inside it so I could do some work , then later tonight the little guy would get trapped and I could let him go outside . Maybe he was still sleeping on the cat bed , the irony not being lost on me as I limped into my office after setting the trap . I put the trap down , then leaned over the printer stand , but the flying squirrel was gone ! I started to look around the room in dread . Where did he go ? Was he going to jump out at me or worse ? Was he dead behind the bookcase ? Just as I was about to leave , I saw him . He was right out in the middle of the room . He wasn 't moving . I called out to Sam and Sam put on gloves and got a container . He got the flying squirrel but he captured it too easily . It was barely moving . We watched it for awhile and ended up moving it into a cat carrier . I couldn 't see it breathing , but Sam thought he saw it move . It 's eyes were open , but in them I saw that all too familiar emptiness that told me we didn 't have much time left . At first we thought we 'd give him some time to rest , but then it seemed he had passed away . We brought him outside , as we do with all the creatures who die in the house and offered him to the other animals to help sustain them . We always put them on the lap of the Buddha statue in our yard , in the hopes it will somehow be a respectful place to let them rest . I don 't know why I felt I needed to take a photo . I felt so terrible about the whole thing . As I pressed the button to take the photo , the little squirrel MOVED . I thought I was losing my mind , but Sam saw it , too . We picked him back up and I called WIC again . They told me to come over , so with throbbing toe and aching hand , I drove the dying flying squirrel to their Center , all along feeling I was doing a Fool 's errand … but I owed it to the squirrel to try . I was met by a Vet as I pulled up the driveway . I told him I thought it was too late . He held the little flying squirrel in his hands , examining him carefully and agreed that he had passed away . He told me that with cat bites , the little guys only have about 12 hours before the bacteria in their mouths causes so much damage that they can 't turn it around after that . I never even saw a mark on the flying squirrel , but I knew that 's must have been what happened . I thought about the bite on my hand and wondered if there was any way I could have helped the little guy sooner . I had the medicine in my house that would have saved him - but what dosage ? How would I give it to him ? I couldn 't help but feel the bitter sting of being too late to save his life . I 'm definitely " done " for the day . I 've written my post , now I 'm going to go hide under the covers - hopefully alone . I 'm going to ignore the fact that the DOOD did not come down to eat his dinner . I 'm worried maybe he bit the squirrel and what did the squirrel give him in return ? Is he sick again ? At what point do I just tell everyone to fend for themselves and hope I can deal with it later . And I didn 't even tell you about the kitty whose back paws are gone … either crushed or cut off , who we 're trying to put a rescue together for … but I will soon . I will . For now … In trying to work more with my cat 's social issues , one sign of things going in the right direction is seeing just about every cat in the house , on or near the bed . Sure , it 's cold and I don 't have the heat cranked . The only thing to warm up the room is a weak space heater and fluffy comforters on the bed , which act like a cat - magnet . There 's little room for humans , but it 's worth sleeping scrunched up to see them back on the bed . © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . I 'm sorry the video is so dark . Any attempt to lighten it up makes the image fall apart . Below is a still showing most of the crew . Enjoy this little slice - of - life … © 2012 Robin A . F . Olson . ( Left to Right ) Spencer , Gracie the dark blob in the front , to her right is Blitzen , then to his left and near the foot of the bed are Nicky & Nora . It 's tough to see but the DOOD is behind Nora in a big cat bed on the storage chest at the front of the human bed . Petunia ( unseen in photo ) is to DOOD 's left . All that 's missing is Cricket and he has never come into the bedroom in his life . Maybe one day he will . Yes , that 's a cow on the TV and a siamese cat TV lamp on the Art Deco vanity on the right . Read more about Night - Night I started to write a " Year in Review , " thinking I could get through it with some effort . A lot of things happened in 2011 , but many of them were just too heartbreaking to look back upon in much detail . Today I write as a brokenhearted , tired rescuer with a very bleak outlook for 2012 . I 've decided that too many years have passed where I 've been near broke and exhausted . 2012 is going to be better , damn it ! I 'm overdue for a wonderful year and for things to finally get better on the economic front . It wasn 't all bad news , like any year , there were some highlights . I 'm very glad to say , that even though I had some very long term fosters here , which cut back my ability to take in more rescues , my group , Kitten Associates ( KA ) adopted out quite a few kitties and by the power of the inter - web - net and this little blog , in total we helped save the lives of over 70 cats ! That 's not too shabby considering we did the hands - on rescues basically with just a small group of people , placed the cats by teaming up with our " sister " shelter Animals in Distress or via KA and we got the word out about many other cats in need by depending on THOUSANDS of folks who read this blog and who jumped in to help spread the word . It made a difference and it WORKED . We did some AMAZING things ! © 2011 Betsy Merchant - Henry Co . Care & Control . Cow mama and her babies just before rescue . There was our " cow mama " from Henry County Care & Control who no one would rescue regardless of our pleas for help . While other mamas and their babies got out , she did not . I didn 't have many resources , but at the last minute , in the middle of the night , I got a name of someone named Jennifer H . at Humane Society if Forsyth County in Cumming , GA . We worked out the logistics and the next morning , at the very last second before the family was to be put down , they were busted out . Today they are all doing well and have been adopted into loving homes . © 2011 Robin A . F . Olson . Big boy with hand model , Lauren from Dr Larry 's office . We went to bat for two gianRobin Olson 's blog A life spent with as many cats as I have , is not always easy . Often it 's disappointing or irritating . There 's one thing after another that needs to be cleaned or fed , fights broken up , nerves soothed . The fine red lines that run across my body , are a written history from years of being foolishly close to razor sharp claws . © 2011 Robin A . F . Olson . The DOOD . The difficulty of the day is lost in soft fur and soothing purrs ; in being covered by cats . Their ease is mine . We rest as one . Tomorrow will come along and push me around , but that 's okay . I have this moment , this fine moment . © 2011 Robin A . F . Olson . Oh Nicky . . . what will we find out about you next week ? Do you really have lymphoma ? Please do not let it be so . After a stifling loss a few months ago , my heart is still quite heavy . I 'm thankful to the ones still with me for reminding me that I must continue to love , for their sake , if not my own . Perhaps they 're teaching me not to close down , not to give up . I 'll try to listen as best I can . I don 't know what tomorrow will bring . I don 't know how much longer I 'll have a roof over my head . I 'm grateful for what I 've had for so many years . I 'm greedy , though . I want it to keep going on as it has , my little house , full of purring cats . I 'm grateful I 'm not alone ; that my words are read and that sometimes they help make someone else 's life better . It means so much to me to know I make a difference , maybe one that is not measured in history books , but in my own heart . I know I 've done some good to make up for some of the bad ; and I hope the former will outweigh the latter in time . My wish to all of you is that you take a moment to really look around at your family , at your life . Drop all the little worries you might have about the turkey being overcooked or that you forgot to buy cranberry sauce . Look into the eyes of those you love and savor that moment . You have a precious life and you are loved . Today is about appreciating what we have - try not to be in such a hurry . I don 't want you to miss the good stuff that 's right in front of you . 2013 UPDATE : Nicky did not end up having lymphoma , but he does have a mass in his spleen ( not cancerous ) and he has renal disease , so that means his kidneys are failing . His dad , Sam , has been giving Nicky fluids every other day since this post was written . Nicky gained a little bit of weight and has been doing fairly well - another reason for us to be thankful on this special day . 2016 UPDATE : A few days ago Nicky passed away . He probably did have cancer , but it was only secondary to kidney failure . We also lost Cricket and Gracie over the past year . My little family is growing smaller in number . My heart has been broken so many times , but somehow I keep going . I save another life . I find another forever home for a cat who needed rescue . I keep going because all of you are there holding my hand . We shore each other up and we cheer each other on . That is what I am most thankful for today , for all of you who are on this journey covered in cats . A life spent with as many cats as I have , is not always easy . Often it 's disappointing or irritating . There 's one thing after another that needs to be cleaned or fed , fights broken up , nerves soothed . The fine red lines that run across my body , are a written history from years of being foolishly close to razor sharp claws . © 2011 Robin A . F . Olson . The DOOD . The difficulty of the day is lost in soft fur and soothing purrs ; in being covered by cats . Their ease is mine . We rest as one . Tomorrow will come along and push me around , but that 's okay . I have this moment , this fine moment . © 2011 Robin A . F . Olson . Oh Nicky . . . what will we find out about you next week ? Do you really have lymphoma ? Please do not let it be so . After a stifling loss a few months ago , my heart is still quite heavy . I 'm thankful to the ones still with me for reminding me that I must continue to love , for their sake , if not my own . Perhaps they 're teaching me not to close down , not to give up . I 'll try to listen as best I can . I don 't know what tomorrow will bring . I don 't know how much longer I 'll have a roof over my head . I 'm grateful for what I 've had for so many years . I 'm greedy , though . I want it to keep going on as it has , my little house , full of purring cats . I 'm grateful I 'm not alone ; that my words are read and that sometimes they help make someone else 's life better . It means so much to me to know I make a difference , maybe one that is not measured in history books , but in my own heart . I know I 've done some good to make up for some of the bad ; and I hope the former will outweigh the latter in time . My wish to all of you is that you take a moment to really look around at your family , at your life . Drop all the little worries you might have about the turkey being overcooked or that you forgot to buy cranberry sauce . Look into the eyes of those you love and savor that moment . You have a precious life and you are loved . Today is about appreciating what we have - try not to be in such a hurry . I don 't want you to miss the good stuff that 's right in front of you . 2013 UPDATE : Nicky did not end up having lymphoma , but he does have a mass in his spleen ( not cancerous ) and he has renal disease , so that means his kidneys are failing . His dad , Sam , has been giving Nicky fluids every other day since this post was written . Nicky gained a little bit of weight and has been doing fairly well - another reason for us to be thankful on this special day . Read more about Giving Thanks It 's getting late . I should get to bed . In less than 12 hours , we 'll be seeing Dr . Weisman , Nicky 's surgeon . I feel the same anxiety I felt before we went to see her with Bob . Bob 's case was , at first , more clear cut . He HAD to have part of his liver removed or he 'd die fairly soon . With Nicky , we don 't even know for certain that we SHOULD open him up at all , but I still fear the same miserable results . . . the Vet saying ; " I 'm sorry , but . . . " Over the weekend , one of my readers reached out to me . She worked for a great Vet in the Northeast for many years , who , according to her , was a fantastic diagnostician . She spoke to him about Nicky 's case and right away he said NOT to do ANYTHING other than repeat Nicky 's urinalysis in a few months . That what was the benefit of opening him up ? I felt confused . I was so ready to move forward and now this . . . he asked us , through our CiCH friend , that we call him on Tuesday afternoon , when he had normal business hours , so we could talk to him . Now what ? Here we have Dr . Larry and Dr . Deb saying we need to open Nicky up . We have a long track record and trust both Vets , but this other Vet did bring up a good point - if it IS cancer and we cut into it , we can make it a lot worse . I hate feeling conflicted about what to do . Nicky is Sam 's cat . Ultimately Sam has to decide , but I 'm definitely going to need to hear from Dr . Deb exactly why we need to do this now , instead of give Nicky more time and re - run all the tests again later . Something else came up , too . Nicky may NEVER have been " snap tested " for FIV + and Feline Leukemia ! Back when Nicky was adopted he came to Sam unvetted . Sam took him to the vet and had him neutered . Did they test him then ? It was 10 years ago ? I wouldn 't have known to test Nicky when he , Nora and Sam came to live at my house ! Now I have a terrible fear of what if 's going through my head . . . Meanwhile Nicky seems a bit down , a bit thinner , not eating quite as well as he has in the past . Is he feeling worse ? We KNOW he has a bad TOOTH on top of his other issues so maybe that 's what 's causing his eating problems ? At this point it 's so hard to know . I 've been down this road before and it sucks . Is this our last night with Nicky as a reasonably healthy cat ? Are we losing him and this is the start of that journey ? Sam has been very stoic about how he feels about Nicky . Even though the two of them are always together and I know Sam loves Nicky , dearly , Sam isn 't one to wear his emotions on his sleeve . This afternoon Sam looked glum . I asked him what was wrong . He came over to me and put his arms around me and sort of sank against me . All he could manage to say was ; " Don 't let them take my cat from me . " My poor Sam . My poor Nicky . I have a hard time imagining one without the other . I hope I don 't have to do that any time soon . My poor boys . We 'll get through this together - just like we always do . I just hope that maybe this time we luck out - whatever lucking out means . Nicky and Sam need many more years together . We just can 't lose another cat . Not right now . Not so soon . Read more about The Next Big Step for Nicky |
My teaching job was a great deal of work . The teacher had given me a sketch of each week and had copied off enough lessons for six weeks . I then wrote out the specific plans each week and turned them into a supervisor . I had papers to grade each evening . I had a good incentive though as I knew my pay would almost triple after working for twenty consecutive days . To get this pay , I would have to work twenty consecutive days . If I missed one day , then I would have to begin all over . Sugar , our new puppy , was just too small to leave roaming around the house . Lucy , the chow mix , loved to chew on little Sugar 's legs . I borrowed a large dog carrier from my brother . She had to stay in that carrier all day . It made me feel awful but I would have never forgiven myself if Lucy had hurt her . As it was - Sugar was always getting lost in our house . She only weighed three pounds at her first visit to the vet . Sugar begged to sleep under the covers with us each night . She wasn 't big enough to jump up on the bed . So I would pick her up and she would immediately get under the covers . I came close to losing my twenty days as Sandy got sick at school and I had to leave to take her home . However , because I had been at school through the lunch hour - it was considered a full day . I was able to be at school the following day . I taught with three other teachers on a team . We worked together as a team on every little detail . Discipline especially was handled with a team plan . The ladies I taught with were veteran teachers - who had enough years to retire . It was a privilege to learn from them . I was responsible for all of the grades . I even averaged the grades for the six week report cards . When I left , the teachers with whom I worked presented me with a gift of tulips . On my very last day at the job , I received a call from another principal asking me to start another long job for a teacher who was going to have a baby . I was so excited to get another steady job . It was to start around the middle of March and continue to the end of the school year . I had about a month before I started that job . I received my final paycheck from the first big job . I bought our first brand new television and VCR . We had never had the money to buy anything brand new . I subscribed us to the Disney Channel . I especially enjoy watching ANNE OF GREEN GABLES and ANNE OF AVONLEA . We taped them and I always enjoyed watching those movies - especially when life got hard . They helped bring a great deal of joy into my life . I had a few days off in between my big teaching jobs . However , the principals were beginning to know me and I enjoyed a wide variety of one day jobs . In between teaching , I took all of you to various activities . I began driving in l989 . I had wasted too much of my life being afraid of driving a car . Once I began driving , I wondered how I had ever survived always waiting for people to take me places . Sandy was getting interested in running cross country . She was also deciding on her high school career choices . Sandy made the right decision to get a business major in high school . Ben didn 't like school but he loved to work . Besides his paper routes - he cut yards each spring and summer . Our street had many widows who loved having Ben to cut their yards or do other odd jobs . Ben had his eye on buying a car when he turned 16 . He saved most of his money to that end . My other teaching job was about to begin . Sugar had just started being big enough to take walks . So now I walked both Lucy and Sugar as much as I could . I didn 't have to lock her up in a cage for my second big job . I taught a special education class at another junior high . Again , there were many stacks of work sheets piled up for me . Again , I made the lesson plans and submitted them to the supervisor . I also made the bigger money after twenty days . That was the best spring we had enjoyed in many years . Each of you children were involved in good activities . Vera , you were enjoying many academic honors . Maria was becoming quite the star with her drama and speech competitions . We still had the paper routes to maintain . So after we all got home from school , we rolled the papers and got the routes delivered . It was a wonderful summer . Ben turned 16 and got his driver 's licence . He bought an older Buick with his money . He gave his paper routes to you and Maria . Ben got a job at the WINN - DIXIE food store . I will always remember his having to dress in black pants , a white shirt and a little red vest . Ben still managed to elude us with his sneaking out of the house . I never could see how he managed going to school , working so many hours , and still having time to sneak around . At any rate - we were proud of him . Life had come to a sort of sweet fruition for our family . We were no longer living so hand to mouth any longer . Newer and more difficult problems were about to challenge us . Thankfully , at that point - I didn 't know it . I could easily have led a charmed life - if my dad had known more about delayed gratification - but it was not to be . However , I had a very good start in life . My Dad was an engineer for the Ford Motor company in Detroit . He and my mother were both natives of Kentucky . During World War II Dad was stationed at Camp Campbell which is now Fort Campbell . He met my mother at a picnic . She was a school teacher at one of the elementary schools . It was a whirlwind romance . Dad never had to go over seas because of an injury to his knee when he was a teenager . When the war ended my parents first went to Dayton , Ohio . Then Dad became a student at the Ford Motor Institute in Lansing , Michigan . Although I 'm sure my dad must have had some benefits from the GI bill which provided education to those who had been in the military - he also received the benefit of financial help from my mother teaching school . By l949 my dad was established with a good job . Phillip , my oldest brother was born that year . I came along in April of 1952 . My mother kept a box of all the cards and ribbons she received from my baby shower gifts . I still have that box and in fact I looked through it again - just last week . Dad was a big executive and was a man who liked to spend his money . Two more brothers arrived not far behind my birth . By the time I was four years old - I had keyed into the fact that we had nice things and lived in a nice neighborhood . In fact , we moved up to an even finer neighborhood by the time I was five years . old . I have a clear memory of moving into a large home in an upscale neighborhood . My father bought my mother a whole new set of dining room furniture . The curtains were made by someone who specialized in that area . They were very heavy and ornate . I liked to hide behind them and eat jam . In my child 's mind - I thought no one knew what I was doing but it is a family joke even to this day . Mom didn 't have to teach school anymore . She was the queen of her lovely home . We had a rose garden and all the nice things that well to do people have . I remember our new station wagon in l957 . The evening my Dad brought it home - we went to the drive - in theater . I remember falling asleep in the back of the car . I also remember the sensation of being wrapped up in some warm blankets . Dad wasn 't satisfied to just drive a practical station wagon . I can recall his renting a fancy white convertible one Sunday afternoon . We had a Sunday drive and ended up having dinner in a fancy restaurant . Dad liked to be a part of the neighborhood theater group . There was a playhouse in the suburb just for such occasions . Dad was always the host like person . We have many picture books of his days of helping with theater productions . He always liked to be important . He wanted others to see him as important . I think much of that has to do with his having grown up as a share croppers son . Dad was the oldest of seven children . His father was very strict and according to my dad - was almost brutal to him . Dad had to work out in the tobacco fields each summer all day long . Dad always resented his growing up years . He was determined that he would not be stuck in a little Kentucky town . It certainly seemed like he was living his dreams . My parents entertained a great deal . They had about four other couples whom they socialized with . They loved playing the card game , bridge . When it was time for the group to meet at our home - we were all put to bed early . That didn 't stop us children . We would sit at the top of the stairs and peek in on the party . I also have vivid memories of visiting the other homes . If it was an evening event - all of the children of the various couples would be taken into one room . We would eat our supper in that room and play until it was time to go home . Life was not always so filled with fun and exciting events . I remember waking up one morning to find my mother 's face covered with bruises . She told us that she had taken a fall . I never got my mother to admit that my father hurt her . But I have always believed that my mother was the victim of spouse abuse . Other strange things began happening . I was no longer allowed to get ice cream from the ice cream truck . I was so jealous of my best girlfriend who lived across the street because she always got ice cream each summer afternoon . Moreover , I had to give up my pearl necklace that had been a gift from my parents . My Dad made me give my pearls to my best girlfriend on her birthday . I knew in my small heart that paradise had vanished . I played with my dolls in my upstairs bedroom and shuddered with fear that my parents would get a divorce . My nights were filled with fear . I would cry and beg my mother to come comfort me . Life was not going to get any better - as I was soon to find out . Sunshine has been in abundance the past several days . We did have almost four inches of rain this past Wednesday . The spring rains cause the river that runs through our county to swell . Any more rain - and we would have had some flooding . It is amazing how the weather of this month has had many themes - snowstorms , near tornadoes and minor flooding . However , today the daffodils are in abundance and the tulip trees are blooming . My little plum trees are blossoming . Jim and I enjoyed walking our dogs last evening and this morning . There is a sense of beauty and harmony during this Easter weekend . There was no school yesterday in our county . Vera and I decided to take John and Alex ( my grandsons ) to visit Maria in the country . They had not been to her home since last summer . I have only made one visit since my surgery in December . The boys were so excited to visit . We didn 't know that Kirk ( Maria 's husband ) was on his way home , too . Kirk arrived about twenty minutes after we did . John and Alex were overwhelmed with joy to see Kirk . They also knew that Kirk would probably take them for a ride in his truck . Just a few weeks ago - it looked like the end of Kirk and Maria 's trucking business . The boys were at my home when Maria came by the house to tell us what was going on . It was a cold , grey day . Maria 's face was streaked with signs that she had been crying a great deal . She began crying again as we talked that afternoon . They boys picked up on the entire story . In fact , the next day John reminded me that Kirk would have to get a different job . It was an extremely heart breaking day . Maria had to face her own battle this winter of wondering if she had cancer . It was devastating to us all to learn that she had a growth appear on a mammogram . We pushed her to find out more . That involved more doctor 's visits and more tests . I sat with her as she agonized about how she would pay for all the tests because of a lack of health insurance . Finally , a couple of weeks ago - she was freed of her worry . Evidently , she only had a cyst . It had dissolved on it 's own . I 'm remembering also that my life took a very different course last fall . I never dreamed that I would become a cancer patient . I 've had a wonderful winter of recovering because Vera has been here to help me . Her job as a teacher in a private school came to an end . She saw it an opportunity to help us . Even though I 've not been bedridden or terribly sick - emotionally - I 've needed her support . She has grown through this experience of living at home again . Soon , she will be leaving the nest in her own way . I don 't think she has plans of moving out of our home . However , it is time for her to get employment once again . She is looking at the possibility of being an adjunct professor at our community college . It will mean that we have less time to do fun things together . However , it is time for her to teach once again . One of her richest experiences has been to learn that she loves genealogy and music . I taught her piano as a child . She became to busy with school activities to ever pursue piano through high school . Now she is taking piano from me once again . And she is making great progress . How marvelous it was to be out in the country with Kirk and Maria yesterday . For awhile at least - the burdens have lifted for them . Kirk seems very sure that he will be able to keep his trucking business . His spirits seemed good yesterday . He enjoyed entertaining the boys . They took a long ride in his truck . Later , he put Alex in a wheel barrel and whisked him all over the yard . John could have had a turn but was a bit afraid . We found a beautiful male cardinal that had died . His little body was perfect . Maria 's dog is known to attack the birds but this bird died from another cause . Maria wrapped up the little bird and dug a grave . We said a few prayers and sang the doxology . We named the little bird , " Ben " . What a wonderful day we had with Kirk and Maria . My prayer for them is for their health to be good and their business to thrive . But also , for their spiritual roots to continue to grow very deeply . I continue on my own journey of making decisions about my health . I 've had to visit my surgeon nearly every week since my surgery because I still have fluid that builds up from the mastectomy . Each week - he probes me about making a choice to have my other breast removed . Some of my friends think that he has only money as his motive . I have never gotten that impression from him . He seems genuinely concerned that I am a third generation breast cancer patient . My cancer doctor , on the other hand , feels like that getting an exam every three months will be suffice for any risk involved with my heredity . So this theme is still a haunting one . I will continue to study about breast cancer , take all of my supplements and pray . That is all that I can handle right now . My human psychology is much too tender right now to make a final decision . So Spring is here . New hopes and dreams are enveloping most everyone 's heart . I hope and pray that your dreams come true . As an Orthodox Christian , my Easter isn 't until the end of April . But for all of my friends celebrating Easter tomorrow - have a great day ! There is a beautiful historic graveyard in our county that my mother is buried in along with others of her family . I 've never had an interest in visiting graveyards . In fact , I 've only visited my mother 's grave one time - shortly after moving to Kentucky . Clearly , I thought that people who visited grave yards on a regular basis were a bit crazy . I especially never could understand why people decorated their ancestor 's graves . Over the past two years my heart has opened up more to respecting those who have gone on before us . I owe that new thinking to my Orthodox faith . There are many documented stories of miracles happening to those who have visited a saint 's grave or had exposure to a relic of a saint . Thus , my interest has grown in visiting my ancestor 's graves . ( Although by know means have my ancestors been declared saints . ) Vera and I took the plunge a couple of weeks ago to visit this cemetery . I knew where my mother 's brother and his family were buried . Thus , we went to visit their graves first . My aunt had taken me to visit her family grave plots on one occasion before she died . She showed me the graves of her husband , my blood uncle , and their son . I was able to remember where the graves were because they were close to a small chapel . However , my mind was blank about where my mother was buried . A truck came along with some maintenance workers . They took us to a little building where all the records were kept . This building is always locked and if they had not come along - we wouldn 't have been able to find my mother 's grave . After we were given the records , we followed them in our car to mother 's grave . It was a family site where my mother , her mother and father and some other relatives were buried . I only recognized one name " Buck " ( my grandfather 's brother ) because I had heard stories about him . There were other names : Julian , Eliza and Louisa . I knew the Julian probably was my grandfather 's father - because my grandfather named one of his sons - Julian . We went back a week later and noticed a large ornate tombstone with the family name . My mind could not recollect having heard about this man . He was buried a short distance away from the other graves . The only reason why we saw this grave was because we drove into the cemetery from the south gate . I was standing there looking at the grave and wishing that I could talk to our county historian . I happened to look up and there he was just about six feet away from where I was standing . I yelled out : Prof . T , can you come here and help me ? " Prof . T had taught me European and American history at our community college . He also knew my family very well . He couldn 't recall who this person was but he told us to take down all of the information on the graves and go to the library where all the newspapers were on micro film . He also noted the little American flag on the Confederate emblem that had been placed by the grave . Prof . T said that a Confederate soldier would never have believed in the union of the states and thus it was an insult for someone to have placed the American flag on the grave . ( By the way , I 'm not real happy to know my great uncle and my great grandfather were Confederate soldiers . ) Later that evening I was browsing through our local newspaper and saw that Prof T was the subject of a nice article . I found out that one of his hobbies is to ride around this cemetery and visit his friends who have departed . Vera immediately found a helpful website : www . Ancestry . com . ( There is a cost to access the records . ) She found out that Julian was my great grandfather . Louisa was his first wife . They had five children together . Louisa died when she was just 39 years old . Four years later , Julian married Eliza . They had two sons and two daughters . Never once did I ever hear my grandmother talk about her husband having two sisters . I felt upset with grandmother for not sharing about the entire family . One of their sons , Leslie , is my grandfather . The grave that we had wondered about belongs to Julian 's brother , John . Julian and John both fought as Confederate soldiers in the civil war . They lived in Virginia . After the war , they migrated to Kentucky . Vera was able to tap into someone 's family history work and found over two hundred years of our family tree . We have pages and pages of information that would have taken years to compile by the old method of gathering records . We were also particularly interested in my maternal grandmother 's Irish heritage . We knew that her mother 's maiden name was Irish . Yesterday , Vera found out that my great grandmother 's father came over from Ireland during the potato famine that nearly wiped out that country in the 1840 's . I vaguely knew that the potato famine had something to do with my maternal grandmother . Vera has narrowed down the names of 8 boats that my great great grandfather could have sailed on . She hopes to pinpoint the exact boat he sailed to America on in the next few days . Now back a bit to my grandfather 's family . They are definitely of English ancestry . And Kentucky has only been the home of this line of ancestors since after the Civil war . I had mentioned that one of my grandfather 's brothers was also buried in the family plot . " Buck " died when he was just 33 years old . We do have the original obituary of Buck . He worked in a drug store down town and was well loved . The obituary gave a detailed account of how he didn 't turn up to work on a Monday . It gave information about doctors trying to revive him . Lastly , it told of his fellow merchants downtown being sad about his death . It was an intriguing obituary . At any rate - a new hobby has started for Vera . Eventually , she hopes to get all sides of our family tree completed . Thus far , on my mother 's side of the family - I know we have a strong British and Irish heritage . I 'm figuring that I 'm at least 1 / 16 Irish . I get a laugh out of those who think I 'm Irish anyway because of my dyed red hair . We hope to visit our ancestors now on a regular basis . I want to eventually decorate their graves . It looks like the hobby of genealogy is here to stay . So " top of the morning to each of you " and happy spring ! As Christmas vacation was coming to an end , I knew that Lynn could not go back to school legally while living in my home . I have never been one to purposely withhold information . My mother and grandmother drilled in me the need to be honest . They also taught me that all kinds of unexpected things can happen and one does not need to be thrust into a situation where one might end up introuble with the law . Thus , I decided to file a complaint against Lynn 's mother at the court house . Since her mother could not be found , I ended up in court seeking temporary custody of Lynn . A social worker had to come and inspect my home and find out information about our family . Jim and I were granted temporary custody of Lynn . During that time - teaching jobs were scarce again . There was a customer service opening at the print shop where Jim worked . I asked if I could apply . Jim 's boss let me work for a couple of weeks on a trial basis . All of the sudden so many calamities on the home front kept happening . Lynn fell down the stairs one afternoon and I had to take her to the doctor . Thankfully , she was just bruised up . You Vera , developed a very high fever . I asked you to try to stay home alone and you begged me not to go to work . I checked on you several times during the day . However , when I arrived home you had a fever of l04 degrees . Immediately , I took you to the doctor . The diagnosis was strep throat . With no back up baby sitters , I realized that a full time job would never work in my situation . I wondered then and I still wonder how the working poor make it with both mom and dad working . We just never had much of a support system going with relatives and friends . The teaching jobs began to pick up . I liked subbing because I was often at a school with one or more of my children . When school was out , I helped fold all of the newspapers - then out the door you children went to deliver them . Those were busy days for all of us . Lynn 's mother finally returned around Valentine 's day . I had to go back to court with Lynn . Her mother also had to go to the court hearing . I 'm still amazed how quickly the court gave Lynn back to her mother . I was so angry at the court system . Lynn 's family continued to move from one rental home to another . The dysfunction in their family life was terrible . Lynn always seemed to want something better with her life . She was a fighter . Today she is an incredibly wonderful mother to her two children . She is happily married and one of the most creative young women I know . Maria started using her talent for drama in a serious manner . She became involved with the speech team at her junior high school . As a seventh grader she won awards for her presentation of Alfred Noyes ' THE HIGHWAY MAN . Her redention was spellbinding . I can still see her with her long brown hair and her little petite figure belting that poem out with a great deal of passion . Those were the kinds of moments that gave us all a break from the mundane problems of life . One hot July morning of l990 , we woke up to find a little black chow mix pup on our sideporch . Sandy who was recovering from surgery on her wrist - begged us to let this little puppy be a part of our lives . I had never had a dog in my life . However , we let " Lucy " stay . She became very special to me . I began taking Lucy on long walks - especially if I had a bad day dealing with you children . Ben began climbing out of his upstairs window at night to sneak out of the house . We could never catch him . I tried staying awake and listening - but he was very clever . He would climb out on the roof and climb down the porch rails . Then he would sneak back in the house the same way . Lucy and I walked off a great deal of frustration about Ben . On Christmas of l990 , one of our little neighbor girls brought us a little beagle mix pup . She had found this pup in the snow . She was only as big as my hand . We decided to keep her also . " Sugar " was her name . There was snow on the ground that year . I was happy because I knew that I had been promised a six week job after Christmas to work for a teacher who was going to have a hysterectomy . There was a new sense of hope in my heart . I first became aware of the issues of ecology when I was a freshman in college . It was a hot topic . Conversation in the hallways and in the library almost always turned to the topic of ecology . Thirty eight years have passed since those days . However , the seeds of those conversations have always stayed with me . As a young mother , I didn 't have the money to buy fancy groceries . Thus , ecology was involuntarily a part of my life . I used to look at folks with their grocery carts filled to the fullest capacity . All kinds of convenience foods packaged in fancy boxes . Glass jars full of fruit , spaghetti sauce , apple sauce etc . Moreover , I couldn 't afford to buy disposable diapers and I often envied the mothers who had their carts full of the big packages of disposable diapers . In those days , I never directly thought of ecology . I thought only of what I wish I could afford . As our income increased - I found that I became one of the people with a full grocery cart - often with convenience foods . When my children were in high school , we started ordering pizza quite often . The delivery person would give us our pizza which was in large cardboard containers . I just threw them out . I always did have a tinge of guilt . The only thing I didn 't throw out as our prosperity grew were aluminum cans . That was where I took baby steps with ecology . With four teenagers , I never felt I was prosperous enough to throw away the money that I could get from them . Jim placed a large container at his plant for people to throw their aluminum cans in . When it was filled he took it to our recycling plant and got some good money . Often , we ordered more pizza with that money . Thus , more cardboard boxes went to the landfill . Since I 've become an Orthodox Christian , I have grown in my sensitivity to preserving the earth . We truly believe that God has all people to watch over and preserve the earth 's natural resources . Our family has taken steps to more green living as our awareness grows . Last spring , I made the choice to clean mostly with vinegar and baking soda . I have a spray bottle that I fill with 3 / 4 full of vinegar and the rest of the bottle is filled with Blue Dawn Dish soap . This makes an excellent all purpose cleaner . Then I use an old dish detergent bottle and fill it with half vinegar , half water and just a few drops of the Blue Dawn . This is what I use for light cleaning . I clean my plastic table covering with this solution . I do keep a can of Comet cleanser to use if anyone has had a stomach virus or flu . That is the only time I use a disinfectant . I don 't buy many convenience foods . However , it is amazing how much cardboard , plastic , and glass one can accumulate just by minimal shopping . We do eat a great deal of cereal and occasionally I like to buy canned fruit in a jar . I thought I was doing well with my ecology efforts but when Vera moved home - she chided me for throwing my cereal boxes away . So now I smash all of my boxes and place them in a bigger box . I have a box or a bag for all of my plastics , and a box for my glass jarsand aluminum products . Every two weeks they are taken to a recycling center . It is at times an inconvenience but I think of the bigger issue involved - saving the earth . My son , Ben , gets all of my plastic peanut butter jars . He uses them to put all of this little things like nails and screws . He just can 't get enough of those plastic jars . We also try to limit the use of paper products . For about a year - I used only cloth napkins . However , now I use the paper towels that come in the choose a size rolls . I try not to over use paper towels . However , with my grandsons visiting quite a bit - paper towels are just handier . We rarely use paper plates . I run my dishwasher every two days . I 'm conservative with washing clothes . There are many clothing items that can be aired out and worn a second time . I 'm not an expert in ecology . I have much to learn . However , I still hear the whispers in my ear of those conversations that I had with other students many years ago . What about you ? What do you do to save God 's earth ? Teenagers are always a challenge - even in the best of circumstances . It is a time of physical changes in the body and a time of charting the waters to new kinds of freedom . Ben had changed so much in just one year . He had the voice of a man at age 14 , and he was already shaving his face . Sandy , at 13 , looked like a full grown woman . In fact , we shared clothes . I was extremely slim at the time . Sometimes , we battled over who would wear a cute outfit for the day . That was very immature on my part . I just could not believe that Sandy and I were the same height and weight . It was unbelievable . Ben felt the full impact of being the only son in the family . Since his eleventh birthday , he had accused your Dad and I of showing favortism to you girls . At the time , I didn 't want to believe that . After all , he had his own room and many freedoms . However , looking backwards - I can now say , that for my part - I don 't think I gave him the attention he needed . Ben never liked school . Even though he tested well and made good grades - school was a challenge . He hated sitting in a desk all day . He wanted to be on the move . Furthermore , he was always creating something with his hands . His teachers never sent any bad reports home . Nevertheless , at home Ben couldn 't handle any noise and confusion . We walked on eggshells , wondering when he would exhibit anger again . Ben did have a close friendship with a boy named Tim . Tim came from a very bad family life . Thanksfully , his parents let him spend a great deal of time at our home . On the days that I didn 't teach - I baked a great deal . Tim loved my chocolate chip cookies and my pumpkin bread . He also ate many peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches . He told us that his family never bought peanut butter and jelly . I couldn 't imagine that a child could grow up in America without those foods . Sandy , had a friend named Lynn . Lynn was the oldest of four children . Her mother was a single parent . They lived in our neighborhood . Sandy and Lynn were inseparatable . ( Today , they are still very close friends . ) Lynn had quite a flare for wearing clothes . She wanted to grow up to become a fashion designer . Ben didn 't like Lynn and threw his lunch tray at her one day . The principal called telling me what Ben had done . That was one of the few times Ben did get in trouble at school . Vera , you had a bad start to the new year of l989 . You had some kind of skin problem that just wouldn 't go away . The pediatrician thought it was scabies . I took great offense at that because I kept a clean home . We had to put a lotion on you that dried your skin up terribly . I went through our home - washing all of the blankets and sheets . Your skin continued to fire up with sores . Again , our doctor wanted you to use some more of that lotion . Finally , he referred us to a dermatologist . The dermatologist did a skin scrape and said that there was no sign of scabies . He felt like your condition all along was severely dry skin . He prescribed a regiment of oils and lotions to heal your skin . Within a week , your skin was back to normal . Maria had always been known as the family drama queen . When she was small - all was well . However , Ben really reacted to Maria 's drama . The two just didn 't get along at all . I had to keep them separated as much as possible . Ben began finding other types of neighborhood jobs . His energy level was so high . After school he delieverd his paper routes . ( Sandy had given her route to Ben ) and then he mowed yards in our neighborhood . This kept Maria away from him to a great extent . Ben and Sandy were both in the eighth grade . I had kept Ben in Kindergarten an extra year . That probably was not the wisest decision because he never liked competing with Sandy . However , they did share some of the same friends . I remember the fall of l989 as being the year when many of the 8th graders came over to visit . One of the guys named Chris - was over at our home most every evening . He , too , liked my chocolate chip cookies . That was a fun fall . As the year came to a close , I was not getting enough teaching jobs . Things were very tough for us again financially . There was very little money for Christmas . I always hated the strain of Christmas . It was hard enough when you children were small . However , now that we had teenagers - Christmas was excruciating ! We had another surprise ! On Christmas day , Lynn 's mother came by to ask us if we would keep Lynn for two weeks because she was going to go to trucking school . She had Lynn with her . Of course , we couldn 't say no . Lynn 's mother had aparently found homes for her other children . Lynn fell right into our family patterns . Ben still didn 't care much for her . We had to keep them separated as much as possible . We thought it that Lynn 's mother never called . The two weeks had gone by . Lynn 's mother never returned ……… . |
I wish I could say family night was a hit . It was better than last week . This photo may have been the high point , but I had to tell them to smile . We went to a Clippers baseball game . I 've blogged before about how great this field is , and we had nice seats in the second row . Unfortunately , it was one of those 95 - degree days so we were dripping sweat in the sun . My favorite part of a minor league baseball game is the hot dog races . I don 't know why they have hot dog races , but the hot dogs - - one with mustard , one with ketchup , and one with relish - - race down the first base line . So far this season , mustard has won no races . Oh , my heart goes out to mustard who fell again during this race and still has zero wins . I did get this great photo of one of the other hot dogs jumping over the fallen mustard hot dog . When I try to explain something like hot dog races and call them mustard hot dog or relish hot dog , it feels like maybe I 've fallen down the rabbit hole with Alice . So strange . Today the weather turned cool after a week of mid - 90 degree days . Earl and I decided to go for a bike ride . We realized that we didn 't need to limit our bike rides to trips to Monet 's Garden - - our last recreational bike ride . And , lest you forget , that trip was full of mistakes , like missing a train and following the wrong man down the road . You can read about it here : http : / / paulita - ponderings . blogspot . com / 2010 / 04 / jai - trompe . html ( I don 't know why my links won 't work in my posts , but it is frustrating . ) . From our house we rode to the bike trail that follows the Olentangy River . Workers are fixing the highway over the trail and I caught a picture of the sparks cascading down the concrete . The bike trail leads to the confluence of the Olentangy and the Scioto rivers before it heads toward downtown Columbus . The bike trail is like a tourist guide . It leads past COSI , the museum of Science and Industry . It also goes past the Santa Maria , a replica of the ship that Columbus took on his first trip to the New World . The trail also streaks past the Ohio Supreme Court building , which has some gorgeous painting and architecture . Unfortunately , that 's where we ran into trouble and had to take to the streets instead of the bike trail because the city is building a promenade along the river . We had to ride through a construction zone then a busy street in the brewery district before we got to the park . Earl rode on to the Audubon building while I checked out the park . If my kids were still little and we were homeschooling , this place would be my new hangout . There are sand volleyball pits , a climbing wall and playgrounds over rubber surface . I walked up to the third stage of a tower to survey my kingdom , well , the park around me . While Earl waited for me to catch up , he sat in a chair in front of the Audubon building . That is him waving wildly . I told him it looked as if he was being attacked by the giant bird statue . The audubon building is full of photos of birds that have been spotted along the river , wetlands and fieldsat I am a writer . At least that 's what I say . I have two finished ( yet unsold ) novels to prove it . And I am 60 , 000 words into my third novel , thinking " this is the one . " Yet , during this two week break from classes , I have written very little . I 'm kind of stuck . I 'm not sure I really believe in writer 's block . I know what I want to happen in the book but I 've just been unsure how to get there . I tried jumping ahead to write the scenes I know , but they were falling flat . This book , The Summer of France , started out as women 's fiction . A woman with twin teenagers wants to build a close family before they leave for college and careers . She , her husband , and the twins go to France to run a bed and breakfast for her uncle who married a French woman after World War II . So , it sounds like the book will be all about feelings and rebellious teenagers and marriage angst in a foreign country . Then suddenly I find my characters in the middle of intrigue as the main character discovers that her uncle has a famous painting that went missing in World War II . Black market art dealers are trying to get their hands on the painting and the police can 't be far behind . What should she do with the painting and how can she save her uncle and his reputation ? I 'm in the middle of a chase scene and I have no idea how to write a chase scene . After two weeks of dithering , I happened upon a writing book at the library . It 's a book by Maeve Binchy called The Maeve Binchy Writers ' Club . I opened it yesterday afternoon and read the first few chapters on the front porch with a thunderstorm blowing through . Earl sat on the porch reading his own book and was willing to put down his book when I wanted to talk through the stuck parts in my novel . Amazingly , we fleshed out some scenes to get me through the hard spot and increase the intrigue . Sometimes , just reading about writing or talking about writing can break through that barrier . This morning , I wrote nearly 2000 words and I have set the calendar on my phone to wake me every morning at 5 a . m . so I can at My bellybutton has become an emoticon . You know , those little faces that people use in text messages and emails . My bellybutton use to be simply a circle , sometimes deeper sometimes more shallow . Three different times it became a taut dot on the mound of my stomach swollen with baby . Just this morning , as I stepped out of the shower , I noticed that it has taken on a distinctly different look . It looks like this on the top : ^ And the bottom is like a parentheses turned on its side . A smile . So at least my bellybutton is a happy emoticon . I imagine that the emoticon at the top right of the photo is the closest to my belly button image . Now what does this have to do with gravity ? Well , I actually tugged on either side of my belly button and pulled it upward . The ^ disappeared . Which means gravity has had its way with the skin on my stomach which I consdered fairly tight . Something else for me to worry about , or I could just accept that my belly button is trying to express itself . It has gotten over the look of surprise 0 _ 0 and moved on to happiness and acceptance . I just finished reading a book called This is Where We Live by Janelle Brown . It took me awhile to get into it , but this morning , with nearly half of it left , I sat down and read the rest of the book . The book focuses on an artistic couple in their mid - thirties . She writes and directs films . He has been in a successful rock band and is trying to start another one . Some bad luck lands them in trouble with their mortgage on their Arts & Crafts house in Los Angeles . Of course , I live in an Arts & Crafts - style house , so I can immediately feel a bond with them . They had a balloon mortgage that ballooned out of reach . The husband wants to walk away from the house to travel . He feels the debt and the house are a ball and chain pulling him down . The wife , a midwesterner by birth , is desperate not to lose the house . And that 's what got me thinking . I found myself agreeing with the husband . This couple had no kids , no obligations , and I thought , of course they should give up the house . Sell it or let the bank repossess it . Move on without the trappings that weigh you down . I remember as a woman in my 20s I was so anxious about finding the right man and buying a house , starting a family . Now I wonder what that urge , that need is all about . I wouldn 't give up my kids , and maybe I can say this now because I have three kids , that this couple shouldn 't sacrifice their creativity for a house and a family . Maybe I 've just moved into my mid - life crisis where I 'm ready to sell the house and travel the world . What would you advise a young couple , or even a single person in this predicament ? Do you think the young people you know feel too eager to marry and settle down ? Twenty years ago today in Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky , Earl and I were married . The day was sunny and warm , but nowhere near as warm as it is today in Ohio - - 89 humid degrees . I wonder if it 's a bad sign that we can 't find our wedding album anywhere ? I 've searched and Earl has searched . I found some snapshots that friends gave us so you can see how fresh - faced and naive we were in 1990 . My parents owned a blueberry farm in a holler in Kentucky . We were married in front of a meandering creek with the tiger lilies in bloom . On the left side of the photo is Grandad Ish , who has since died . Earl 's brother Art was the best man and the priest , Father Al , has gone on to write books about being a priest in Appalachia . Look at my face . I really love that man . I 'm amazed that he 's marrying me . After the ceremony , we stood there by the whispering creek and people moved along to congratulate us . You can 't see me in this photo , but you can see Tracey , my best friend from high school and maid of honor laughing . Twenty years ago , I had no idea how to make a marriage work . I got very lucky in a number of ways . One of those ways was my choice . I think it 's nearly impossible to make a good choice this young ( and I was 27 ! ) . I chose a man who treated others well . When a waitress dropped a tray , he 'd get up to help her . When a woman was panhandling and he turned her down , he later knocked on her car window and gave her money . He cares about other people , and that includes me . It hasn 't been 20 years of bliss . We 've had fights that lasted for weeks . We 've learned to swallow hurtful words . We 've gone through childbirth together three times ( okay , I bore the brunt of that ) and find our biggest arguments are about parenting . We 've lived in seven houses and owned four . We 've moved from Florida to Michigan to Ohio . We 've been to Europe six times and traveled throughout most of the United States . We have dreams together - - dreams of owning a bed and breakfast , dreams of moving to France , dreams of publishing novels . Most of our day - tat This spring Grace has been walking the dog of a friend who I teach with . The woman has a stress fracture in her leg and can 't walk her five - year - old golden retriever . She pays Grace to walk him five days a week . On days when Grace has to work and has swim practice , or during the craziness of graduation , I would sometimes walk him . He 's a nice dog and I didn 't think twice when she said she needed someone to watch him while she goes on vacation . ( She has a husband and an 18 - year - old son who are both home but won 't help with the dog . ) I agreed to keeping the dog here and didn 't think about it again , until I mentioned it to Earl and he said , " I don 't want a dog in the house . " That put me in quite a pickle . I felt like I had committed to keep the dog , so I told Grace we would have to brush the dog and clean up dog hair everyday to alleviate the hair situation . Grace drove his gates and bowls and foods home in the car while I walked him the mile and a half to our house . He got a bath in the backyard and quite a bit of brushing before we let him inside . Here are the clumps of hair we removed from him . He 's a good dog although he has gotten us up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom both nights . I think he sleeps in my friend 's bed , so isn 't used to being alone at night . Well , he isn 't exactly alone . He has the cats , who , as you can see , feel right at home with him . I declared Sunday nights as family nights this summer . After all , Grace is getting ready to leave for college and the boys hang out with their friends most nights of the week . I wasn 't expecting a night with the Walton family , but apparently , my expectations were a little high . We started with a family dinner of chicken and vegetables on the grill . Normally , it would have been shish kebab , but we skipped the sticks . So with a bowl of grilled chicken and a bowl overflowing with zucchini , summer squash , tomatoes , mushrooms , onions and carrots on the table , Tucker declared himself not hungry and refused to eat . He sipped on a glass of water and pondered whether he could add mint syrup to it . I vetoed that idea since he wasn 't even eating dinner . He informed me he didn 't like shish kebab . What 's not to like about chicken ? And I know he eats carrots . I didn 't argue though , just made him turn forward and get his elbows off the table . He had spent the night at a friend 's house so I wrote off his bad behavior to tiredness . His silence and refusal to eat as he sat sullenly at the table pulled a wet blanket over the beginning of family night . After dinner , we chose a game to play . Since it was father 's day , we let Earl choose poker . It wasn 't Texas hold em , but five card draw and five card stud with a few hands of black jack thrown in . I couldn 't find the poker chips , so used these colorful plastic tokens that the kids sorted when they were little . We started with 25 and I quickly lost all of mine , so we added some more . As Tucker won a few hands , his mood improved . As Grace lost every hand , she grew morose . " Why can 't we play euchre ? " she asked . She listed other card games she would be willing to play - - Egyptian ratscrew , spoons . To no avail . The poker continued . She said it didn 't bother her to lose , she just hated that it all seemed to be about the luck of the cards instead of skill . I suppose the skill is a little more subtle than in a card game like euchre . As they got into the game , the guys put on their poker faces . Sat My blog is called an accidental blog because I started it one day without intending to . Someone in my Yahoo group sent an email . I clicked on the blog related to the email and I wanted to leave a comment . I couldn 't figure out how to leave a comment without registering for a blog myself . Thus , an accidental blog was born . Today , I accidentally removed my blog and for a few frantic hours , I thought it was lost forever . When I started this blog , back in August 2006 , a gmail account wasn 't required . I began with my own personal email . This spring , I started a gmail for an alter ego account to write some racy fiction under another name . That name immediately became connected to this blog . I lived in fear of my alter ego making comments on other people 's blogs . I know , it makes you think , " How unsophisticated is she about technology ? " Pretty naive . Well , the racy fiction was rejected and I was tired of seeing the alter ego 's name at the top of my blog , so I decided to delete the Facebook page and the gmail account . When I did , my blog disappeared . When I clicked on it , the message said , " This blog has been removed . " Yikes ! All of those years of posting . All of those visitors stacked up one by one . Gone . I started searching for answers . I couldn 't get on Google accounts to ask questions because I didn 't have a google account anymore . I opened another one . Then I found the answer to reinstating the alter ego 's account , which should bring back my blog . I sent the message to the Google elves . A few hours later , they replied that they couldn 't reopen my account because I 'd started another one . I deleted the new one and sent another message . Finally , after about five crazy hours , they sent me an email telling me that I could change my password . Aaaargh ! I didn 't want to change my password . I wanted to get my blog back . I found an old email from my website designer and started constructing an email . I would give him all the details and my emails and passwords to see if he could fix it . I needed to give him my blog address . I clicked at Last year , right around this same time , in the middle of grading final exams , my computer stopped working . Guess what ? It happened again on Sunday . The screen just went black and it turned off . That evening , as Tucker was begging for more time on his XBox , I asked him to work his magic on my computer . Whenever anything in the communication world goes down , I turn to Tucker - - television , cable , DVD player , computer , iPods , phones . He 's my go - to guy . So , he unplugged everything , blew on it and plugged things back in . It worked . For about three days . Yesterday , it succumbed again to the black screen . I had deduced that the problem was either the battery or the cord , because when the computer came back on Sunday , the battery charge was very low , okay , nonexistent . So this morning , with the black screen facing me , I unplugged and replugged . I took out the battery and replaced it . I turned to Tucker . Nothing worked . I had grades to finish for the other college where I teach , so I completed those on Earl 's computer then hoisted my computer into its bag . I took it to IT department at the college . The computer geeks there suggested that - - since the cord had been kittenized - - I should probably start with a new cord . The kitten chewed on the cord when he was little . We have it wrapped in electrical tape and it has carried on for nearly a year . This evening , after some amazing swims at a swim meet , Tucker , Grace and I returned home . " Can I have more time on the XBox ? " he asked , his hair still wet and his trunks soaking through his shorts . " Fix my computer , " I ordered as I picked up a dish towel and began to dry the " clean " dishes from the dishwasher . He unpacked it from the case and 30 seconds later said , " Mom , I got it to work . " I walked in and , sure enough , the lights were glowing and the battery was charging , slowly but surely . " Can I play XBox ? " he asked again . " Have at it , " I said . Could it be that he does something to the computer so that he can fix it and gain more time on his video games ? Very possible . For now though , he 's juat My kids can be so annoying and so funny . That really hasn 't changed much since they were little . Spencer is trying to redeem himself after his run - in with the law by volunteering at a basketball camp this week . " It 's horrible , " he moans . He 's coaching the third and fourth graders . " Horrible for you or for the kids ? " I ask on the drive there this morning . " Both , " he says . Apparently the kids don 't listen and just run amok . I had advised him to be firm with them , but this apparently hasn 't helped . " Just try to make a difference for one kid , " I advise this morning as he gets out of the car . " I do , " he says . " I give them fun nicknames , like Slick Rick . " Then he loped across the field , all six - foot , three - inches of him . Making a difference , one nickname at a time . All three of my children were home last night , which is unusual . One or all of them are generally " hanging out " with their friends somewhere in our small town . But following a day of swim practices and basketball scrimmages , they were all fairly lethargic . About 11 p . m . , I heard a sound outside and thought I saw movement . I pulled aside the curtains and saw the wind was whipping through the trees . I heard a rumble of thunder and saw a flash of light . Thunderstorm . Then I remembered the convertible . " Grace , " I called to her . " Did you put the top up on the car ? " She hadn 't . " Come on , " I yelled . " Thunderstorm . " The convertible top motor has given out . It won 't put the top up or down . And , since it 's heavy , it takes two people to put the top up . We ran through the dark down the alley to the street where the car was parked . " I 'll work from the outside . You start the car , " Grace yelled above the wind , flinching as thunder boomed again . I started the car and tried the button that puts the top up . Nothing . Grace was tugging and pulling on the top . I got out of the car and grabbed the other side . We pulled up then pushed it forward before I hopped the car to finish the job . Then we sprinted to the house again , with only a small scream from Grace when the lightning flashed again . Neat Charlotte , North Carolina or Salt Lake City , Utah ? Those are my choices this fall for attending conferences . First , let 's deal with the obvious - - surprise that the college wants to send me to a conference . But , the people in charge picked me , so I , of course , said yes . It 's not like I 'm sick of hotels and airplanes because I travel so much for business . Then the director of the Writing Center said I should choose between these two conferences . Information isn 't up about the presentations and the discussions , so I 'm really left choosing based solely on the city . Everyone in my family said they would choose Charlotte . I think we are predisposed towards the east - - kind of prejudiced in its favor . Its closer - - about nine hours away by car . Salt Lake City is a couple of days away by car . But I 'm not driving to either one . I 'm flying . So why do we lean toward North Carolina ? It 's beautiful . The Appalachian Mountains , lots of old trees , forests actually , people with slow southern drawls . Earl and I honeymooned in North Carolina . Of course , just as my family is drawn to the East , some people are drawn to the West . Earl 's sister 's family goes out west every chance they get . His niece lived in Colorado for awhile . They vacation in New Mexico and Arizona whenever they can . We 've visited Salt Lake City as a family once . I think it was beautiful too in a different way , like the unending sky and a sharp mountain backdrop . In the West , the mountains don 't seem to start like rolling hills and work up to high peeks . Instead , the plains run right up to high mountains . While we were in Salt Lake City , Earl toured the Mormon temple with a friend while I herded kids . There is something a little uncomfortable about being in such a religious city . I remember that the restaurant we went to didn 't serve alcohol - - a Mormon influence . Still the prevailing religion shouldn 't dissuade me from choosing Salt Lake City . The flight from Columbus to Salt Lake would take anywhere from five to eight hours with at least one plane change . The flight to Charlat The bee balm is blooming . I 'm not sure if this flower has any special powers , but , to me , it seems like it should be an antidepressant . Who could be sad when looking at this flower ? This flower is obviously the life of the party . My friend Ruth , in Michigan , gave me some of her bee balm , and it 's thriving here in Ohio . Hers aren 't blooming yet , but mine are already mid - party . This is the kind of flower that Dr . Seuss drew in his books . This flower should have a soundtrack from the 1980s : " Celebrate good times , come on . . . . " Look at its crazy top with the " court jester " hat tendrils that stick up in the air . This flower screams summer barbecues , the coconut smell of suntan lotion , and frosty drinks of pineapple . Celebrate ! Thanks for your encouragement , Bee Balm . At 3 : 38 a . m . , I heard a voice outside my bedroom window . " Mom ? Dad ? " Spencer 's voice called from the front porch . " Everything 's okay . I just need to be let in , " he said . He was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house . I scrambled out of bed and wondered if he was sick . Maybe the boys had decided to drink alcohol or experiment with drugs , so Spencer came home . All of these thoughts flitted through my mind as I scrambled out of bed to the front door . I never suspect the worst of Spencer . I never think he 'll make the wrong choice . As I turned the key in the lock , I saw someone standing behind Spencer . Someone big and I became worried . This man , because it was obviously a man , was standing with his feet spread wide , both hands in front of him in a military " at ease " position . This was a cop . I opened the front door and the young police officer began to explain . " Why don 't you come inside ? " I suggested , aware of the short exercise shorts and tank top I 'd worn to bed and wishing I 'd had a little warning of a night time visit from the police . I could see Spencer was fine . Just in trouble . So they came into the living room and Spencer collapsed on the couch , running his hands over his face . The officer explained that he had found Spencer and a couple of other boys outside after curfew . When they spotted the boys , they ran and hid in the bushes . Then a car picked them up and they drove away . The police pulled the car over . I was picturing a high - speed pursuit through our little town . The boys said they hid because they saw the police . They claimed they weren 't doing anything wrong . " I 'm so sorry , Mom , " Spencer said from his perch on the couch . " What about telling this officer your sorry that he has to bring you home instead of doing his job ? " I asked . " I 'm so sorry , sir , " he said . Then he moans and rubs his face again . The officer said the boys aren 't being charged with anything , just curfew violation . And he warns that the school is very strict about taking away sports and extracurricular activities if the boys had been cat On our run this morning , talk turned to hair , which is strange because currently , DreamGirl has no hair . She ran without a cap , her bald head still nubbly in spots as the chemotherapy continues to work its magic . I thought I was being petty as I twisted my hair into a braid to control the frizz created by the humidity . I reminded myself even as I tucked the braid in a cap that DreamGirl will be starting from scratch when her hair starts to grow out , so I should quit complaining . I thought I might feel uncomfortable talking about hair problems with a bald woman , but I didn 't . I asked her how she could resist telling bald men that she likes their hairstyle . She just smiled . Then she told me that her daughter is having hair issues . When she brushes it , it grows huge . " Tell her not to brush it , " I urged . " She doesn 't have curly hair , " DreamGirl said . " Trust me . If her hair is getting big and frizzy , she has curly hair if you just allow the curls to emerge . " This is still a novel idea to many people , but if you have curly hair , brushing is not the way to go . I should know . For years I brushed my hair and dealt with weird bumps that I tried to smooth down . When I read the book Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey , I became a convert . I know what you 're all thinking . Isn 't this the same woman who loves to straighten her hair ? Yes , that 's me . But in this humidity , there 's no sense pretending I have straight hair . I have to let it curl and control the frizz the best I can . I start in the shower . I don 't use shampoo . I haven 't for years . Curly hair has open follicles and shampoo is bad for it . Curly hair also doesn 't get greasy . So I rub my scalp and add conditioner . I spread the conditioner from my scalp to the ends , removing all the tangles with my fingers . It 's important to remove the tangles because I don 't brush it , remember . In humidity like this , I also leave some of the conditioner in . It isn 't leave - in conditioner , but I only rinse the top of my head and leave conditioner on the ends . When I get out of the shower , I don 't wrap my heat Here it is , the final week day of finals week . That means that I 've been grading papers all week . I 've just finished grading the last essay that students turned in Sunday night . Now I can begin grading their final exams - - which are also essays . Essay grading can be truly tedious . I have a list of comments that I insert , reminding students how to use MLA format , where to put commas , etc . Still , it takes a long time . This is the farthest behind I 've ever been in finals week . By this time , I 've usually added up the grades and turned them in . Graduation this week and a visit from my parents put me behind . So when I got up at 6 this morning , I gathered my computer and my coffee cup and headed to the front porch , my portable office . And here is my view as I grade papers , looking up from my laptop : And when I look to my left , the direction where I can see the downtown skyline in the winter , here is what I see : So , although I am stuck grading papers . I can 't complain about my little house in the treetops . And , I 'd better get back to work because I am expected for a family get together in Dayton this afternoon . It took a month and a half . Nearly 45 days of contentment . Or maybe I was just too busy getting ready for graduation that I didn 't have time to think about it . This morning , I read a blog , one of the blogs I read everyday , and that feeling hit me in the gut . The blog is Tongue in Cheek and you can find a link along the right side of my blog http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / . Today , she talked about different kinds of French breads , baguettes and batards and pain de campagne . She showed wheels of goat cheese . Then she included shots of the markets - - big melons and handwritten signs with loopy French writing . That 's when the longing hit . I wanted to go to France again . After our trip at the end of April , I thought I 'd fulfilled my desire for a few years , but here it came again . Then I got an email from France Guide , announcing a new contest . I entered and watched the " lost in francelation " video about apero , that before dinner drink and snack . Oh , how I want to visit France again . I begin to plot . I could win the lotto . I could sell a novel . I could win the contest . Even a bowl of black olives hasn 't quenched that latest gnawing in my stomach . Picture me in France - again . So , you all know I was in a tizzy about getting ready for the graduation party . The theme Grace and I chose was " Let Them Eat Cake " and I had a plan for 12 different kinds of cakes . Could I have done this alone ? I 'm thinking my family would have felt the brunt of it if I 'd tried . But I didn 't have to . On Thursday night , Grace and her friend Emily took the ingredients to Emily 's house and baked a turtle cake . Turtle cake has a layer of German chocolate cake on the bottom , caramel and chocolate chips in the middle then a layer of German chocolate cake on the top . I made another one of those at our house . Then I made two Cola cakes . Ever take a cake out of the pan and put it on a serving platter ? It 's very flat looking . So I increased the recipe by half to make it look fuller . For some reason , I kept messing up on the math for that increased recipe . The cakes turned out okay , but not my best Cola cakes . I also made a carrot cake which is practically healthy enough to serve for dinner . It has carrots , coconut , pineapple , yogurt and golden raisins in it . I had been to the grocery and had all the ingredients . I was ready for baking day . Ruth drove down from Michigan on Thursday night , arriving after 11 as I waited up bleary - eyes . The next morning , Sheila came by 8 : 30 a . m . loaded down with cake pans and a mixer . Sheila created a Lemon - Lime refrigerator cake that includes lime jello and lemon pudding . On the day of the party , one niece asked whether we 'd injected the cake with Sprite . She thought it tasted amazing . Ruth started making lemon curd for her lemon cake with raspberries . I know . Who makes homemade lemon curd ? " Good lemon curd tastes like sunshine , " according to Ruth . I kind of scurried around getting ingredients and staying ahead of the dishes . I also made the icing for the Cola cakes and had Grace ice them . Grace was so sweet when she got up and saw us in the kitchen . She said something like , " You guys are the best . " The oven was full of cakes and the smells emanated as the air conditioner worked overtime to keep us at Aaaaaah . What a crazy , exciting weekend . And I 'm so pleased now that it 's all over and everything went smoothly . There are three posts I want to write : Baking Day , Party Day and Graduation Day . But first , I have to get ready for my class and get my oldest son to basketball , my husband , father and youngest son off to the golf course and my daughter out the door to work . So for now , I just want to thank everyone who helped me make it through this weekend - - and you all know who you are . To Ruth who drove 4 1 / 2 hours to help me bake cakes then drove back 4 1 / 2 hours the next day without ever tasting a cake . To Sheila who forced me to get organized and then baked . She brought pans and mixers , umbrellas and coolers , hula hoops and cake servers . To Bethany , who decorated and kept Grace calm . To my neighbor Sandy who let us empty her backyard to create a circus - like atmosphere in our backyard . To my friends who came to support me as much as Grace , especially the ones I didn 't think would show up - - like Pam and Najah . To Noreen , who came 45 minutes early when I wasn 't even home , but who brought along her husband who helped us get the DVD of Grace 's childhood running . To my best friend from high school who drove an hour and a half knowing that she wouldn 't know anyone at the party and that I wouldn 't have more than a few minutes to spend with her , but still she came to celebrate . To my mom who took pictures and cut cake and washed dishes . To my dad who sat through the party , the graduation ceremony and came out to dinner even though it meant missing the end of a golf tournament on television . To Pam W - H who stayed and cleaned up the trash and sopping wet plates from the backyard . To Tracie who took the time to ask me about my writing in the midst of the chaos , and who , when I described the latest book said , " I got chills . . . " What more inspiration do I need to keep writing ? To the Chelli who came to eat cake and to the Julas who came late but still came . And to all of you in cyberspace who don 't know me but who were sending me good thoat I went shopping for a graduation dress with Grace today . I felt a little rushed , but hopefully didn 't let Grace feel it . In my head is a running list of all the things I need to do for the graduation party . We went to Macys and found a dress that she loved , but it was a little tight . The clerk checked and found that another store , not near our house , had the dress in the size she needed . Deep breath . The clock ticks in my head . So we drove to Polaris , north of Columbus and north of the outerbelt . The dress is beautiful on her . A simple white eyelet with ribbon straps and a silky white empire waist . An inch or so of white netting peeks out from the bottom of the dress . Girls often wear white dresses because their graduation robes are white . The boys get the other school color . Grace 's school colors are blue and white , so the boys will wear blue . A bright dress underneath white robes would definitely show . As we were shopping , I tried so hard to remember my graduation dress - - for either high school or college . I couldn 't picture my dresses at all . I could remember my sister 's dress . The one that hung in the closet waiting for her because she died the night before graduation . White cotton with a capped sleeve on the shoulder , pearl buttons on the bodice and a cotton bow on the back . I told my heart to slow down and tried to push the memory of that other graduation dress from my mind . This is totally different . This is my daughter , not my sister and she will walk across that stage on Sunday in her white robe with the eyelet dress underneath and sparkly silver shoes on her feet . Eighth grade graduation seems like a fairly trumped - up excuse to make your 8th grader put on nice clothes and sit through a ceremony . Still , they did a nice job and I begrudginly trudged along to the school . I guess 8th grade is hailed as a milestone because the next stop is high school . Tucker and I fought about what he would wear . We had a nice white shirt with a very pale blue plaid in it that fit him well . No . He wanted a solid blue shirt . We had none of those and I refused to go buy one for the single night of use . I 'm already hemorrhaging money for Grace 's graduation and subsequent journey to college . Plus , Tucker 's class leaves today for Washington DC , which is another expense . ( I had regrets as I lay in bed last night and decided I should have sprung for the new shirt . ) Tucker refused to wear a tie and then balked at the dress shoes and went for tennis shoes . I let him choose . Most everyone was dressed up . The girl in the front row on the left in the white dress is Tucker 's girlfriend . They break up sometimes , but always end up getting back together . Some of the girls looked much older than the boys . This was enhanced by towering heels and sometimes risque clothing . Tucker was recognized for being a finalist in the Geography Bee , winning the President 's Physical Fitness Award and Merit Roll . Everyone got an 8th grade diploma . Afterwards , he handed me his envelope with the awards and was anxious to see me leave . The dance was starting ! I made him pose for one picture with a friend before I left him to it . And , as bad as I felt later that he wasn 't in a shirt that fit and looked nice , I knew that he 'd made more effort than many of the parents . Here was a guy sitting a few rows in front of me . His shirt says " Do it Hoggy Style . " This is a play on words that has sexual connotations and also advertises a restaurant . Now why didn 't I think to wear something like that to 8th grade graduation ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
I wish I could say family night was a hit . It was better than last week . This photo may have been the high point , but I had to tell them to smile . We went to a Clippers baseball game . I 've blogged before about how great this field is , and we had nice seats in the second row . Unfortunately , it was one of those 95 - degree days so we were dripping sweat in the sun . My favorite part of a minor league baseball game is the hot dog races . I don 't know why they have hot dog races , but the hot dogs - - one with mustard , one with ketchup , and one with relish - - race down the first base line . So far this season , mustard has won no races . Oh , my heart goes out to mustard who fell again during this race and still has zero wins . I did get this great photo of one of the other hot dogs jumping over the fallen mustard hot dog . When I try to explain something like hot dog races and call them mustard hot dog or relish hot dog , it feels like maybe I 've fallen down the rabbit hole with Alice . So strange . Today the weather turned cool after a week of mid - 90 degree days . Earl and I decided to go for a bike ride . We realized that we didn 't need to limit our bike rides to trips to Monet 's Garden - - our last recreational bike ride . And , lest you forget , that trip was full of mistakes , like missing a train and following the wrong man down the road . You can read about it here : http : / / paulita - ponderings . blogspot . com / 2010 / 04 / jai - trompe . html ( I don 't know why my links won 't work in my posts , but it is frustrating . ) . From our house we rode to the bike trail that follows the Olentangy River . Workers are fixing the highway over the trail and I caught a picture of the sparks cascading down the concrete . The bike trail leads to the confluence of the Olentangy and the Scioto rivers before it heads toward downtown Columbus . The bike trail is like a tourist guide . It leads past COSI , the museum of Science and Industry . It also goes past the Santa Maria , a replica of the ship that Columbus took on his first trip to the New World . The trail also streaks past the Ohio Supreme Court building , which has some gorgeous painting and architecture . Unfortunately , that 's where we ran into trouble and had to take to the streets instead of the bike trail because the city is building a promenade along the river . We had to ride through a construction zone then a busy street in the brewery district before we got to the park . Earl rode on to the Audubon building while I checked out the park . If my kids were still little and we were homeschooling , this place would be my new hangout . There are sand volleyball pits , a climbing wall and playgrounds over rubber surface . I walked up to the third stage of a tower to survey my kingdom , well , the park around me . While Earl waited for me to catch up , he sat in a chair in front of the Audubon building . That is him waving wildly . I told him it looked as if he was being attacked by the giant bird statue . The audubon building is full of photos of birds that have been spotted along the river , wetlands and fieldsat I am a writer . At least that 's what I say . I have two finished ( yet unsold ) novels to prove it . And I am 60 , 000 words into my third novel , thinking " this is the one . " Yet , during this two week break from classes , I have written very little . I 'm kind of stuck . I 'm not sure I really believe in writer 's block . I know what I want to happen in the book but I 've just been unsure how to get there . I tried jumping ahead to write the scenes I know , but they were falling flat . This book , The Summer of France , started out as women 's fiction . A woman with twin teenagers wants to build a close family before they leave for college and careers . She , her husband , and the twins go to France to run a bed and breakfast for her uncle who married a French woman after World War II . So , it sounds like the book will be all about feelings and rebellious teenagers and marriage angst in a foreign country . Then suddenly I find my characters in the middle of intrigue as the main character discovers that her uncle has a famous painting that went missing in World War II . Black market art dealers are trying to get their hands on the painting and the police can 't be far behind . What should she do with the painting and how can she save her uncle and his reputation ? I 'm in the middle of a chase scene and I have no idea how to write a chase scene . After two weeks of dithering , I happened upon a writing book at the library . It 's a book by Maeve Binchy called The Maeve Binchy Writers ' Club . I opened it yesterday afternoon and read the first few chapters on the front porch with a thunderstorm blowing through . Earl sat on the porch reading his own book and was willing to put down his book when I wanted to talk through the stuck parts in my novel . Amazingly , we fleshed out some scenes to get me through the hard spot and increase the intrigue . Sometimes , just reading about writing or talking about writing can break through that barrier . This morning , I wrote nearly 2000 words and I have set the calendar on my phone to wake me every morning at 5 a . m . so I can at My bellybutton has become an emoticon . You know , those little faces that people use in text messages and emails . My bellybutton use to be simply a circle , sometimes deeper sometimes more shallow . Three different times it became a taut dot on the mound of my stomach swollen with baby . Just this morning , as I stepped out of the shower , I noticed that it has taken on a distinctly different look . It looks like this on the top : ^ And the bottom is like a parentheses turned on its side . A smile . So at least my bellybutton is a happy emoticon . I imagine that the emoticon at the top right of the photo is the closest to my belly button image . Now what does this have to do with gravity ? Well , I actually tugged on either side of my belly button and pulled it upward . The ^ disappeared . Which means gravity has had its way with the skin on my stomach which I consdered fairly tight . Something else for me to worry about , or I could just accept that my belly button is trying to express itself . It has gotten over the look of surprise 0 _ 0 and moved on to happiness and acceptance . I just finished reading a book called This is Where We Live by Janelle Brown . It took me awhile to get into it , but this morning , with nearly half of it left , I sat down and read the rest of the book . The book focuses on an artistic couple in their mid - thirties . She writes and directs films . He has been in a successful rock band and is trying to start another one . Some bad luck lands them in trouble with their mortgage on their Arts & Crafts house in Los Angeles . Of course , I live in an Arts & Crafts - style house , so I can immediately feel a bond with them . They had a balloon mortgage that ballooned out of reach . The husband wants to walk away from the house to travel . He feels the debt and the house are a ball and chain pulling him down . The wife , a midwesterner by birth , is desperate not to lose the house . And that 's what got me thinking . I found myself agreeing with the husband . This couple had no kids , no obligations , and I thought , of course they should give up the house . Sell it or let the bank repossess it . Move on without the trappings that weigh you down . I remember as a woman in my 20s I was so anxious about finding the right man and buying a house , starting a family . Now I wonder what that urge , that need is all about . I wouldn 't give up my kids , and maybe I can say this now because I have three kids , that this couple shouldn 't sacrifice their creativity for a house and a family . Maybe I 've just moved into my mid - life crisis where I 'm ready to sell the house and travel the world . What would you advise a young couple , or even a single person in this predicament ? Do you think the young people you know feel too eager to marry and settle down ? Twenty years ago today in Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky , Earl and I were married . The day was sunny and warm , but nowhere near as warm as it is today in Ohio - - 89 humid degrees . I wonder if it 's a bad sign that we can 't find our wedding album anywhere ? I 've searched and Earl has searched . I found some snapshots that friends gave us so you can see how fresh - faced and naive we were in 1990 . My parents owned a blueberry farm in a holler in Kentucky . We were married in front of a meandering creek with the tiger lilies in bloom . On the left side of the photo is Grandad Ish , who has since died . Earl 's brother Art was the best man and the priest , Father Al , has gone on to write books about being a priest in Appalachia . Look at my face . I really love that man . I 'm amazed that he 's marrying me . After the ceremony , we stood there by the whispering creek and people moved along to congratulate us . You can 't see me in this photo , but you can see Tracey , my best friend from high school and maid of honor laughing . Twenty years ago , I had no idea how to make a marriage work . I got very lucky in a number of ways . One of those ways was my choice . I think it 's nearly impossible to make a good choice this young ( and I was 27 ! ) . I chose a man who treated others well . When a waitress dropped a tray , he 'd get up to help her . When a woman was panhandling and he turned her down , he later knocked on her car window and gave her money . He cares about other people , and that includes me . It hasn 't been 20 years of bliss . We 've had fights that lasted for weeks . We 've learned to swallow hurtful words . We 've gone through childbirth together three times ( okay , I bore the brunt of that ) and find our biggest arguments are about parenting . We 've lived in seven houses and owned four . We 've moved from Florida to Michigan to Ohio . We 've been to Europe six times and traveled throughout most of the United States . We have dreams together - - dreams of owning a bed and breakfast , dreams of moving to France , dreams of publishing novels . Most of our day - tat This spring Grace has been walking the dog of a friend who I teach with . The woman has a stress fracture in her leg and can 't walk her five - year - old golden retriever . She pays Grace to walk him five days a week . On days when Grace has to work and has swim practice , or during the craziness of graduation , I would sometimes walk him . He 's a nice dog and I didn 't think twice when she said she needed someone to watch him while she goes on vacation . ( She has a husband and an 18 - year - old son who are both home but won 't help with the dog . ) I agreed to keeping the dog here and didn 't think about it again , until I mentioned it to Earl and he said , " I don 't want a dog in the house . " That put me in quite a pickle . I felt like I had committed to keep the dog , so I told Grace we would have to brush the dog and clean up dog hair everyday to alleviate the hair situation . Grace drove his gates and bowls and foods home in the car while I walked him the mile and a half to our house . He got a bath in the backyard and quite a bit of brushing before we let him inside . Here are the clumps of hair we removed from him . He 's a good dog although he has gotten us up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom both nights . I think he sleeps in my friend 's bed , so isn 't used to being alone at night . Well , he isn 't exactly alone . He has the cats , who , as you can see , feel right at home with him . I declared Sunday nights as family nights this summer . After all , Grace is getting ready to leave for college and the boys hang out with their friends most nights of the week . I wasn 't expecting a night with the Walton family , but apparently , my expectations were a little high . We started with a family dinner of chicken and vegetables on the grill . Normally , it would have been shish kebab , but we skipped the sticks . So with a bowl of grilled chicken and a bowl overflowing with zucchini , summer squash , tomatoes , mushrooms , onions and carrots on the table , Tucker declared himself not hungry and refused to eat . He sipped on a glass of water and pondered whether he could add mint syrup to it . I vetoed that idea since he wasn 't even eating dinner . He informed me he didn 't like shish kebab . What 's not to like about chicken ? And I know he eats carrots . I didn 't argue though , just made him turn forward and get his elbows off the table . He had spent the night at a friend 's house so I wrote off his bad behavior to tiredness . His silence and refusal to eat as he sat sullenly at the table pulled a wet blanket over the beginning of family night . After dinner , we chose a game to play . Since it was father 's day , we let Earl choose poker . It wasn 't Texas hold em , but five card draw and five card stud with a few hands of black jack thrown in . I couldn 't find the poker chips , so used these colorful plastic tokens that the kids sorted when they were little . We started with 25 and I quickly lost all of mine , so we added some more . As Tucker won a few hands , his mood improved . As Grace lost every hand , she grew morose . " Why can 't we play euchre ? " she asked . She listed other card games she would be willing to play - - Egyptian ratscrew , spoons . To no avail . The poker continued . She said it didn 't bother her to lose , she just hated that it all seemed to be about the luck of the cards instead of skill . I suppose the skill is a little more subtle than in a card game like euchre . As they got into the game , the guys put on their poker faces . Sat My blog is called an accidental blog because I started it one day without intending to . Someone in my Yahoo group sent an email . I clicked on the blog related to the email and I wanted to leave a comment . I couldn 't figure out how to leave a comment without registering for a blog myself . Thus , an accidental blog was born . Today , I accidentally removed my blog and for a few frantic hours , I thought it was lost forever . When I started this blog , back in August 2006 , a gmail account wasn 't required . I began with my own personal email . This spring , I started a gmail for an alter ego account to write some racy fiction under another name . That name immediately became connected to this blog . I lived in fear of my alter ego making comments on other people 's blogs . I know , it makes you think , " How unsophisticated is she about technology ? " Pretty naive . Well , the racy fiction was rejected and I was tired of seeing the alter ego 's name at the top of my blog , so I decided to delete the Facebook page and the gmail account . When I did , my blog disappeared . When I clicked on it , the message said , " This blog has been removed . " Yikes ! All of those years of posting . All of those visitors stacked up one by one . Gone . I started searching for answers . I couldn 't get on Google accounts to ask questions because I didn 't have a google account anymore . I opened another one . Then I found the answer to reinstating the alter ego 's account , which should bring back my blog . I sent the message to the Google elves . A few hours later , they replied that they couldn 't reopen my account because I 'd started another one . I deleted the new one and sent another message . Finally , after about five crazy hours , they sent me an email telling me that I could change my password . Aaaargh ! I didn 't want to change my password . I wanted to get my blog back . I found an old email from my website designer and started constructing an email . I would give him all the details and my emails and passwords to see if he could fix it . I needed to give him my blog address . I clicked at Last year , right around this same time , in the middle of grading final exams , my computer stopped working . Guess what ? It happened again on Sunday . The screen just went black and it turned off . That evening , as Tucker was begging for more time on his XBox , I asked him to work his magic on my computer . Whenever anything in the communication world goes down , I turn to Tucker - - television , cable , DVD player , computer , iPods , phones . He 's my go - to guy . So , he unplugged everything , blew on it and plugged things back in . It worked . For about three days . Yesterday , it succumbed again to the black screen . I had deduced that the problem was either the battery or the cord , because when the computer came back on Sunday , the battery charge was very low , okay , nonexistent . So this morning , with the black screen facing me , I unplugged and replugged . I took out the battery and replaced it . I turned to Tucker . Nothing worked . I had grades to finish for the other college where I teach , so I completed those on Earl 's computer then hoisted my computer into its bag . I took it to IT department at the college . The computer geeks there suggested that - - since the cord had been kittenized - - I should probably start with a new cord . The kitten chewed on the cord when he was little . We have it wrapped in electrical tape and it has carried on for nearly a year . This evening , after some amazing swims at a swim meet , Tucker , Grace and I returned home . " Can I have more time on the XBox ? " he asked , his hair still wet and his trunks soaking through his shorts . " Fix my computer , " I ordered as I picked up a dish towel and began to dry the " clean " dishes from the dishwasher . He unpacked it from the case and 30 seconds later said , " Mom , I got it to work . " I walked in and , sure enough , the lights were glowing and the battery was charging , slowly but surely . " Can I play XBox ? " he asked again . " Have at it , " I said . Could it be that he does something to the computer so that he can fix it and gain more time on his video games ? Very possible . For now though , he 's juat My kids can be so annoying and so funny . That really hasn 't changed much since they were little . Spencer is trying to redeem himself after his run - in with the law by volunteering at a basketball camp this week . " It 's horrible , " he moans . He 's coaching the third and fourth graders . " Horrible for you or for the kids ? " I ask on the drive there this morning . " Both , " he says . Apparently the kids don 't listen and just run amok . I had advised him to be firm with them , but this apparently hasn 't helped . " Just try to make a difference for one kid , " I advise this morning as he gets out of the car . " I do , " he says . " I give them fun nicknames , like Slick Rick . " Then he loped across the field , all six - foot , three - inches of him . Making a difference , one nickname at a time . All three of my children were home last night , which is unusual . One or all of them are generally " hanging out " with their friends somewhere in our small town . But following a day of swim practices and basketball scrimmages , they were all fairly lethargic . About 11 p . m . , I heard a sound outside and thought I saw movement . I pulled aside the curtains and saw the wind was whipping through the trees . I heard a rumble of thunder and saw a flash of light . Thunderstorm . Then I remembered the convertible . " Grace , " I called to her . " Did you put the top up on the car ? " She hadn 't . " Come on , " I yelled . " Thunderstorm . " The convertible top motor has given out . It won 't put the top up or down . And , since it 's heavy , it takes two people to put the top up . We ran through the dark down the alley to the street where the car was parked . " I 'll work from the outside . You start the car , " Grace yelled above the wind , flinching as thunder boomed again . I started the car and tried the button that puts the top up . Nothing . Grace was tugging and pulling on the top . I got out of the car and grabbed the other side . We pulled up then pushed it forward before I hopped the car to finish the job . Then we sprinted to the house again , with only a small scream from Grace when the lightning flashed again . Neat Charlotte , North Carolina or Salt Lake City , Utah ? Those are my choices this fall for attending conferences . First , let 's deal with the obvious - - surprise that the college wants to send me to a conference . But , the people in charge picked me , so I , of course , said yes . It 's not like I 'm sick of hotels and airplanes because I travel so much for business . Then the director of the Writing Center said I should choose between these two conferences . Information isn 't up about the presentations and the discussions , so I 'm really left choosing based solely on the city . Everyone in my family said they would choose Charlotte . I think we are predisposed towards the east - - kind of prejudiced in its favor . Its closer - - about nine hours away by car . Salt Lake City is a couple of days away by car . But I 'm not driving to either one . I 'm flying . So why do we lean toward North Carolina ? It 's beautiful . The Appalachian Mountains , lots of old trees , forests actually , people with slow southern drawls . Earl and I honeymooned in North Carolina . Of course , just as my family is drawn to the East , some people are drawn to the West . Earl 's sister 's family goes out west every chance they get . His niece lived in Colorado for awhile . They vacation in New Mexico and Arizona whenever they can . We 've visited Salt Lake City as a family once . I think it was beautiful too in a different way , like the unending sky and a sharp mountain backdrop . In the West , the mountains don 't seem to start like rolling hills and work up to high peeks . Instead , the plains run right up to high mountains . While we were in Salt Lake City , Earl toured the Mormon temple with a friend while I herded kids . There is something a little uncomfortable about being in such a religious city . I remember that the restaurant we went to didn 't serve alcohol - - a Mormon influence . Still the prevailing religion shouldn 't dissuade me from choosing Salt Lake City . The flight from Columbus to Salt Lake would take anywhere from five to eight hours with at least one plane change . The flight to Charlat The bee balm is blooming . I 'm not sure if this flower has any special powers , but , to me , it seems like it should be an antidepressant . Who could be sad when looking at this flower ? This flower is obviously the life of the party . My friend Ruth , in Michigan , gave me some of her bee balm , and it 's thriving here in Ohio . Hers aren 't blooming yet , but mine are already mid - party . This is the kind of flower that Dr . Seuss drew in his books . This flower should have a soundtrack from the 1980s : " Celebrate good times , come on . . . . " Look at its crazy top with the " court jester " hat tendrils that stick up in the air . This flower screams summer barbecues , the coconut smell of suntan lotion , and frosty drinks of pineapple . Celebrate ! Thanks for your encouragement , Bee Balm . At 3 : 38 a . m . , I heard a voice outside my bedroom window . " Mom ? Dad ? " Spencer 's voice called from the front porch . " Everything 's okay . I just need to be let in , " he said . He was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house . I scrambled out of bed and wondered if he was sick . Maybe the boys had decided to drink alcohol or experiment with drugs , so Spencer came home . All of these thoughts flitted through my mind as I scrambled out of bed to the front door . I never suspect the worst of Spencer . I never think he 'll make the wrong choice . As I turned the key in the lock , I saw someone standing behind Spencer . Someone big and I became worried . This man , because it was obviously a man , was standing with his feet spread wide , both hands in front of him in a military " at ease " position . This was a cop . I opened the front door and the young police officer began to explain . " Why don 't you come inside ? " I suggested , aware of the short exercise shorts and tank top I 'd worn to bed and wishing I 'd had a little warning of a night time visit from the police . I could see Spencer was fine . Just in trouble . So they came into the living room and Spencer collapsed on the couch , running his hands over his face . The officer explained that he had found Spencer and a couple of other boys outside after curfew . When they spotted the boys , they ran and hid in the bushes . Then a car picked them up and they drove away . The police pulled the car over . I was picturing a high - speed pursuit through our little town . The boys said they hid because they saw the police . They claimed they weren 't doing anything wrong . " I 'm so sorry , Mom , " Spencer said from his perch on the couch . " What about telling this officer your sorry that he has to bring you home instead of doing his job ? " I asked . " I 'm so sorry , sir , " he said . Then he moans and rubs his face again . The officer said the boys aren 't being charged with anything , just curfew violation . And he warns that the school is very strict about taking away sports and extracurricular activities if the boys had been cat On our run this morning , talk turned to hair , which is strange because currently , DreamGirl has no hair . She ran without a cap , her bald head still nubbly in spots as the chemotherapy continues to work its magic . I thought I was being petty as I twisted my hair into a braid to control the frizz created by the humidity . I reminded myself even as I tucked the braid in a cap that DreamGirl will be starting from scratch when her hair starts to grow out , so I should quit complaining . I thought I might feel uncomfortable talking about hair problems with a bald woman , but I didn 't . I asked her how she could resist telling bald men that she likes their hairstyle . She just smiled . Then she told me that her daughter is having hair issues . When she brushes it , it grows huge . " Tell her not to brush it , " I urged . " She doesn 't have curly hair , " DreamGirl said . " Trust me . If her hair is getting big and frizzy , she has curly hair if you just allow the curls to emerge . " This is still a novel idea to many people , but if you have curly hair , brushing is not the way to go . I should know . For years I brushed my hair and dealt with weird bumps that I tried to smooth down . When I read the book Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey , I became a convert . I know what you 're all thinking . Isn 't this the same woman who loves to straighten her hair ? Yes , that 's me . But in this humidity , there 's no sense pretending I have straight hair . I have to let it curl and control the frizz the best I can . I start in the shower . I don 't use shampoo . I haven 't for years . Curly hair has open follicles and shampoo is bad for it . Curly hair also doesn 't get greasy . So I rub my scalp and add conditioner . I spread the conditioner from my scalp to the ends , removing all the tangles with my fingers . It 's important to remove the tangles because I don 't brush it , remember . In humidity like this , I also leave some of the conditioner in . It isn 't leave - in conditioner , but I only rinse the top of my head and leave conditioner on the ends . When I get out of the shower , I don 't wrap my heat Here it is , the final week day of finals week . That means that I 've been grading papers all week . I 've just finished grading the last essay that students turned in Sunday night . Now I can begin grading their final exams - - which are also essays . Essay grading can be truly tedious . I have a list of comments that I insert , reminding students how to use MLA format , where to put commas , etc . Still , it takes a long time . This is the farthest behind I 've ever been in finals week . By this time , I 've usually added up the grades and turned them in . Graduation this week and a visit from my parents put me behind . So when I got up at 6 this morning , I gathered my computer and my coffee cup and headed to the front porch , my portable office . And here is my view as I grade papers , looking up from my laptop : And when I look to my left , the direction where I can see the downtown skyline in the winter , here is what I see : So , although I am stuck grading papers . I can 't complain about my little house in the treetops . And , I 'd better get back to work because I am expected for a family get together in Dayton this afternoon . It took a month and a half . Nearly 45 days of contentment . Or maybe I was just too busy getting ready for graduation that I didn 't have time to think about it . This morning , I read a blog , one of the blogs I read everyday , and that feeling hit me in the gut . The blog is Tongue in Cheek and you can find a link along the right side of my blog http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / . Today , she talked about different kinds of French breads , baguettes and batards and pain de campagne . She showed wheels of goat cheese . Then she included shots of the markets - - big melons and handwritten signs with loopy French writing . That 's when the longing hit . I wanted to go to France again . After our trip at the end of April , I thought I 'd fulfilled my desire for a few years , but here it came again . Then I got an email from France Guide , announcing a new contest . I entered and watched the " lost in francelation " video about apero , that before dinner drink and snack . Oh , how I want to visit France again . I begin to plot . I could win the lotto . I could sell a novel . I could win the contest . Even a bowl of black olives hasn 't quenched that latest gnawing in my stomach . Picture me in France - again . So , you all know I was in a tizzy about getting ready for the graduation party . The theme Grace and I chose was " Let Them Eat Cake " and I had a plan for 12 different kinds of cakes . Could I have done this alone ? I 'm thinking my family would have felt the brunt of it if I 'd tried . But I didn 't have to . On Thursday night , Grace and her friend Emily took the ingredients to Emily 's house and baked a turtle cake . Turtle cake has a layer of German chocolate cake on the bottom , caramel and chocolate chips in the middle then a layer of German chocolate cake on the top . I made another one of those at our house . Then I made two Cola cakes . Ever take a cake out of the pan and put it on a serving platter ? It 's very flat looking . So I increased the recipe by half to make it look fuller . For some reason , I kept messing up on the math for that increased recipe . The cakes turned out okay , but not my best Cola cakes . I also made a carrot cake which is practically healthy enough to serve for dinner . It has carrots , coconut , pineapple , yogurt and golden raisins in it . I had been to the grocery and had all the ingredients . I was ready for baking day . Ruth drove down from Michigan on Thursday night , arriving after 11 as I waited up bleary - eyes . The next morning , Sheila came by 8 : 30 a . m . loaded down with cake pans and a mixer . Sheila created a Lemon - Lime refrigerator cake that includes lime jello and lemon pudding . On the day of the party , one niece asked whether we 'd injected the cake with Sprite . She thought it tasted amazing . Ruth started making lemon curd for her lemon cake with raspberries . I know . Who makes homemade lemon curd ? " Good lemon curd tastes like sunshine , " according to Ruth . I kind of scurried around getting ingredients and staying ahead of the dishes . I also made the icing for the Cola cakes and had Grace ice them . Grace was so sweet when she got up and saw us in the kitchen . She said something like , " You guys are the best . " The oven was full of cakes and the smells emanated as the air conditioner worked overtime to keep us at Aaaaaah . What a crazy , exciting weekend . And I 'm so pleased now that it 's all over and everything went smoothly . There are three posts I want to write : Baking Day , Party Day and Graduation Day . But first , I have to get ready for my class and get my oldest son to basketball , my husband , father and youngest son off to the golf course and my daughter out the door to work . So for now , I just want to thank everyone who helped me make it through this weekend - - and you all know who you are . To Ruth who drove 4 1 / 2 hours to help me bake cakes then drove back 4 1 / 2 hours the next day without ever tasting a cake . To Sheila who forced me to get organized and then baked . She brought pans and mixers , umbrellas and coolers , hula hoops and cake servers . To Bethany , who decorated and kept Grace calm . To my neighbor Sandy who let us empty her backyard to create a circus - like atmosphere in our backyard . To my friends who came to support me as much as Grace , especially the ones I didn 't think would show up - - like Pam and Najah . To Noreen , who came 45 minutes early when I wasn 't even home , but who brought along her husband who helped us get the DVD of Grace 's childhood running . To my best friend from high school who drove an hour and a half knowing that she wouldn 't know anyone at the party and that I wouldn 't have more than a few minutes to spend with her , but still she came to celebrate . To my mom who took pictures and cut cake and washed dishes . To my dad who sat through the party , the graduation ceremony and came out to dinner even though it meant missing the end of a golf tournament on television . To Pam W - H who stayed and cleaned up the trash and sopping wet plates from the backyard . To Tracie who took the time to ask me about my writing in the midst of the chaos , and who , when I described the latest book said , " I got chills . . . " What more inspiration do I need to keep writing ? To the Chelli who came to eat cake and to the Julas who came late but still came . And to all of you in cyberspace who don 't know me but who were sending me good thoat I went shopping for a graduation dress with Grace today . I felt a little rushed , but hopefully didn 't let Grace feel it . In my head is a running list of all the things I need to do for the graduation party . We went to Macys and found a dress that she loved , but it was a little tight . The clerk checked and found that another store , not near our house , had the dress in the size she needed . Deep breath . The clock ticks in my head . So we drove to Polaris , north of Columbus and north of the outerbelt . The dress is beautiful on her . A simple white eyelet with ribbon straps and a silky white empire waist . An inch or so of white netting peeks out from the bottom of the dress . Girls often wear white dresses because their graduation robes are white . The boys get the other school color . Grace 's school colors are blue and white , so the boys will wear blue . A bright dress underneath white robes would definitely show . As we were shopping , I tried so hard to remember my graduation dress - - for either high school or college . I couldn 't picture my dresses at all . I could remember my sister 's dress . The one that hung in the closet waiting for her because she died the night before graduation . White cotton with a capped sleeve on the shoulder , pearl buttons on the bodice and a cotton bow on the back . I told my heart to slow down and tried to push the memory of that other graduation dress from my mind . This is totally different . This is my daughter , not my sister and she will walk across that stage on Sunday in her white robe with the eyelet dress underneath and sparkly silver shoes on her feet . Eighth grade graduation seems like a fairly trumped - up excuse to make your 8th grader put on nice clothes and sit through a ceremony . Still , they did a nice job and I begrudginly trudged along to the school . I guess 8th grade is hailed as a milestone because the next stop is high school . Tucker and I fought about what he would wear . We had a nice white shirt with a very pale blue plaid in it that fit him well . No . He wanted a solid blue shirt . We had none of those and I refused to go buy one for the single night of use . I 'm already hemorrhaging money for Grace 's graduation and subsequent journey to college . Plus , Tucker 's class leaves today for Washington DC , which is another expense . ( I had regrets as I lay in bed last night and decided I should have sprung for the new shirt . ) Tucker refused to wear a tie and then balked at the dress shoes and went for tennis shoes . I let him choose . Most everyone was dressed up . The girl in the front row on the left in the white dress is Tucker 's girlfriend . They break up sometimes , but always end up getting back together . Some of the girls looked much older than the boys . This was enhanced by towering heels and sometimes risque clothing . Tucker was recognized for being a finalist in the Geography Bee , winning the President 's Physical Fitness Award and Merit Roll . Everyone got an 8th grade diploma . Afterwards , he handed me his envelope with the awards and was anxious to see me leave . The dance was starting ! I made him pose for one picture with a friend before I left him to it . And , as bad as I felt later that he wasn 't in a shirt that fit and looked nice , I knew that he 'd made more effort than many of the parents . Here was a guy sitting a few rows in front of me . His shirt says " Do it Hoggy Style . " This is a play on words that has sexual connotations and also advertises a restaurant . Now why didn 't I think to wear something like that to 8th grade graduation ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
I wish I could say family night was a hit . It was better than last week . This photo may have been the high point , but I had to tell them to smile . We went to a Clippers baseball game . I 've blogged before about how great this field is , and we had nice seats in the second row . Unfortunately , it was one of those 95 - degree days so we were dripping sweat in the sun . My favorite part of a minor league baseball game is the hot dog races . I don 't know why they have hot dog races , but the hot dogs - - one with mustard , one with ketchup , and one with relish - - race down the first base line . So far this season , mustard has won no races . Oh , my heart goes out to mustard who fell again during this race and still has zero wins . I did get this great photo of one of the other hot dogs jumping over the fallen mustard hot dog . When I try to explain something like hot dog races and call them mustard hot dog or relish hot dog , it feels like maybe I 've fallen down the rabbit hole with Alice . So strange . Today the weather turned cool after a week of mid - 90 degree days . Earl and I decided to go for a bike ride . We realized that we didn 't need to limit our bike rides to trips to Monet 's Garden - - our last recreational bike ride . And , lest you forget , that trip was full of mistakes , like missing a train and following the wrong man down the road . You can read about it here : http : / / paulita - ponderings . blogspot . com / 2010 / 04 / jai - trompe . html ( I don 't know why my links won 't work in my posts , but it is frustrating . ) . From our house we rode to the bike trail that follows the Olentangy River . Workers are fixing the highway over the trail and I caught a picture of the sparks cascading down the concrete . The bike trail leads to the confluence of the Olentangy and the Scioto rivers before it heads toward downtown Columbus . The bike trail is like a tourist guide . It leads past COSI , the museum of Science and Industry . It also goes past the Santa Maria , a replica of the ship that Columbus took on his first trip to the New World . The trail also streaks past the Ohio Supreme Court building , which has some gorgeous painting and architecture . Unfortunately , that 's where we ran into trouble and had to take to the streets instead of the bike trail because the city is building a promenade along the river . We had to ride through a construction zone then a busy street in the brewery district before we got to the park . Earl rode on to the Audubon building while I checked out the park . If my kids were still little and we were homeschooling , this place would be my new hangout . There are sand volleyball pits , a climbing wall and playgrounds over rubber surface . I walked up to the third stage of a tower to survey my kingdom , well , the park around me . While Earl waited for me to catch up , he sat in a chair in front of the Audubon building . That is him waving wildly . I told him it looked as if he was being attacked by the giant bird statue . The audubon building is full of photos of birds that have been spotted along the river , wetlands and fieldsat I am a writer . At least that 's what I say . I have two finished ( yet unsold ) novels to prove it . And I am 60 , 000 words into my third novel , thinking " this is the one . " Yet , during this two week break from classes , I have written very little . I 'm kind of stuck . I 'm not sure I really believe in writer 's block . I know what I want to happen in the book but I 've just been unsure how to get there . I tried jumping ahead to write the scenes I know , but they were falling flat . This book , The Summer of France , started out as women 's fiction . A woman with twin teenagers wants to build a close family before they leave for college and careers . She , her husband , and the twins go to France to run a bed and breakfast for her uncle who married a French woman after World War II . So , it sounds like the book will be all about feelings and rebellious teenagers and marriage angst in a foreign country . Then suddenly I find my characters in the middle of intrigue as the main character discovers that her uncle has a famous painting that went missing in World War II . Black market art dealers are trying to get their hands on the painting and the police can 't be far behind . What should she do with the painting and how can she save her uncle and his reputation ? I 'm in the middle of a chase scene and I have no idea how to write a chase scene . After two weeks of dithering , I happened upon a writing book at the library . It 's a book by Maeve Binchy called The Maeve Binchy Writers ' Club . I opened it yesterday afternoon and read the first few chapters on the front porch with a thunderstorm blowing through . Earl sat on the porch reading his own book and was willing to put down his book when I wanted to talk through the stuck parts in my novel . Amazingly , we fleshed out some scenes to get me through the hard spot and increase the intrigue . Sometimes , just reading about writing or talking about writing can break through that barrier . This morning , I wrote nearly 2000 words and I have set the calendar on my phone to wake me every morning at 5 a . m . so I can at My bellybutton has become an emoticon . You know , those little faces that people use in text messages and emails . My bellybutton use to be simply a circle , sometimes deeper sometimes more shallow . Three different times it became a taut dot on the mound of my stomach swollen with baby . Just this morning , as I stepped out of the shower , I noticed that it has taken on a distinctly different look . It looks like this on the top : ^ And the bottom is like a parentheses turned on its side . A smile . So at least my bellybutton is a happy emoticon . I imagine that the emoticon at the top right of the photo is the closest to my belly button image . Now what does this have to do with gravity ? Well , I actually tugged on either side of my belly button and pulled it upward . The ^ disappeared . Which means gravity has had its way with the skin on my stomach which I consdered fairly tight . Something else for me to worry about , or I could just accept that my belly button is trying to express itself . It has gotten over the look of surprise 0 _ 0 and moved on to happiness and acceptance . I just finished reading a book called This is Where We Live by Janelle Brown . It took me awhile to get into it , but this morning , with nearly half of it left , I sat down and read the rest of the book . The book focuses on an artistic couple in their mid - thirties . She writes and directs films . He has been in a successful rock band and is trying to start another one . Some bad luck lands them in trouble with their mortgage on their Arts & Crafts house in Los Angeles . Of course , I live in an Arts & Crafts - style house , so I can immediately feel a bond with them . They had a balloon mortgage that ballooned out of reach . The husband wants to walk away from the house to travel . He feels the debt and the house are a ball and chain pulling him down . The wife , a midwesterner by birth , is desperate not to lose the house . And that 's what got me thinking . I found myself agreeing with the husband . This couple had no kids , no obligations , and I thought , of course they should give up the house . Sell it or let the bank repossess it . Move on without the trappings that weigh you down . I remember as a woman in my 20s I was so anxious about finding the right man and buying a house , starting a family . Now I wonder what that urge , that need is all about . I wouldn 't give up my kids , and maybe I can say this now because I have three kids , that this couple shouldn 't sacrifice their creativity for a house and a family . Maybe I 've just moved into my mid - life crisis where I 'm ready to sell the house and travel the world . What would you advise a young couple , or even a single person in this predicament ? Do you think the young people you know feel too eager to marry and settle down ? Twenty years ago today in Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky , Earl and I were married . The day was sunny and warm , but nowhere near as warm as it is today in Ohio - - 89 humid degrees . I wonder if it 's a bad sign that we can 't find our wedding album anywhere ? I 've searched and Earl has searched . I found some snapshots that friends gave us so you can see how fresh - faced and naive we were in 1990 . My parents owned a blueberry farm in a holler in Kentucky . We were married in front of a meandering creek with the tiger lilies in bloom . On the left side of the photo is Grandad Ish , who has since died . Earl 's brother Art was the best man and the priest , Father Al , has gone on to write books about being a priest in Appalachia . Look at my face . I really love that man . I 'm amazed that he 's marrying me . After the ceremony , we stood there by the whispering creek and people moved along to congratulate us . You can 't see me in this photo , but you can see Tracey , my best friend from high school and maid of honor laughing . Twenty years ago , I had no idea how to make a marriage work . I got very lucky in a number of ways . One of those ways was my choice . I think it 's nearly impossible to make a good choice this young ( and I was 27 ! ) . I chose a man who treated others well . When a waitress dropped a tray , he 'd get up to help her . When a woman was panhandling and he turned her down , he later knocked on her car window and gave her money . He cares about other people , and that includes me . It hasn 't been 20 years of bliss . We 've had fights that lasted for weeks . We 've learned to swallow hurtful words . We 've gone through childbirth together three times ( okay , I bore the brunt of that ) and find our biggest arguments are about parenting . We 've lived in seven houses and owned four . We 've moved from Florida to Michigan to Ohio . We 've been to Europe six times and traveled throughout most of the United States . We have dreams together - - dreams of owning a bed and breakfast , dreams of moving to France , dreams of publishing novels . Most of our day - tat This spring Grace has been walking the dog of a friend who I teach with . The woman has a stress fracture in her leg and can 't walk her five - year - old golden retriever . She pays Grace to walk him five days a week . On days when Grace has to work and has swim practice , or during the craziness of graduation , I would sometimes walk him . He 's a nice dog and I didn 't think twice when she said she needed someone to watch him while she goes on vacation . ( She has a husband and an 18 - year - old son who are both home but won 't help with the dog . ) I agreed to keeping the dog here and didn 't think about it again , until I mentioned it to Earl and he said , " I don 't want a dog in the house . " That put me in quite a pickle . I felt like I had committed to keep the dog , so I told Grace we would have to brush the dog and clean up dog hair everyday to alleviate the hair situation . Grace drove his gates and bowls and foods home in the car while I walked him the mile and a half to our house . He got a bath in the backyard and quite a bit of brushing before we let him inside . Here are the clumps of hair we removed from him . He 's a good dog although he has gotten us up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom both nights . I think he sleeps in my friend 's bed , so isn 't used to being alone at night . Well , he isn 't exactly alone . He has the cats , who , as you can see , feel right at home with him . I declared Sunday nights as family nights this summer . After all , Grace is getting ready to leave for college and the boys hang out with their friends most nights of the week . I wasn 't expecting a night with the Walton family , but apparently , my expectations were a little high . We started with a family dinner of chicken and vegetables on the grill . Normally , it would have been shish kebab , but we skipped the sticks . So with a bowl of grilled chicken and a bowl overflowing with zucchini , summer squash , tomatoes , mushrooms , onions and carrots on the table , Tucker declared himself not hungry and refused to eat . He sipped on a glass of water and pondered whether he could add mint syrup to it . I vetoed that idea since he wasn 't even eating dinner . He informed me he didn 't like shish kebab . What 's not to like about chicken ? And I know he eats carrots . I didn 't argue though , just made him turn forward and get his elbows off the table . He had spent the night at a friend 's house so I wrote off his bad behavior to tiredness . His silence and refusal to eat as he sat sullenly at the table pulled a wet blanket over the beginning of family night . After dinner , we chose a game to play . Since it was father 's day , we let Earl choose poker . It wasn 't Texas hold em , but five card draw and five card stud with a few hands of black jack thrown in . I couldn 't find the poker chips , so used these colorful plastic tokens that the kids sorted when they were little . We started with 25 and I quickly lost all of mine , so we added some more . As Tucker won a few hands , his mood improved . As Grace lost every hand , she grew morose . " Why can 't we play euchre ? " she asked . She listed other card games she would be willing to play - - Egyptian ratscrew , spoons . To no avail . The poker continued . She said it didn 't bother her to lose , she just hated that it all seemed to be about the luck of the cards instead of skill . I suppose the skill is a little more subtle than in a card game like euchre . As they got into the game , the guys put on their poker faces . Sat My blog is called an accidental blog because I started it one day without intending to . Someone in my Yahoo group sent an email . I clicked on the blog related to the email and I wanted to leave a comment . I couldn 't figure out how to leave a comment without registering for a blog myself . Thus , an accidental blog was born . Today , I accidentally removed my blog and for a few frantic hours , I thought it was lost forever . When I started this blog , back in August 2006 , a gmail account wasn 't required . I began with my own personal email . This spring , I started a gmail for an alter ego account to write some racy fiction under another name . That name immediately became connected to this blog . I lived in fear of my alter ego making comments on other people 's blogs . I know , it makes you think , " How unsophisticated is she about technology ? " Pretty naive . Well , the racy fiction was rejected and I was tired of seeing the alter ego 's name at the top of my blog , so I decided to delete the Facebook page and the gmail account . When I did , my blog disappeared . When I clicked on it , the message said , " This blog has been removed . " Yikes ! All of those years of posting . All of those visitors stacked up one by one . Gone . I started searching for answers . I couldn 't get on Google accounts to ask questions because I didn 't have a google account anymore . I opened another one . Then I found the answer to reinstating the alter ego 's account , which should bring back my blog . I sent the message to the Google elves . A few hours later , they replied that they couldn 't reopen my account because I 'd started another one . I deleted the new one and sent another message . Finally , after about five crazy hours , they sent me an email telling me that I could change my password . Aaaargh ! I didn 't want to change my password . I wanted to get my blog back . I found an old email from my website designer and started constructing an email . I would give him all the details and my emails and passwords to see if he could fix it . I needed to give him my blog address . I clicked at Last year , right around this same time , in the middle of grading final exams , my computer stopped working . Guess what ? It happened again on Sunday . The screen just went black and it turned off . That evening , as Tucker was begging for more time on his XBox , I asked him to work his magic on my computer . Whenever anything in the communication world goes down , I turn to Tucker - - television , cable , DVD player , computer , iPods , phones . He 's my go - to guy . So , he unplugged everything , blew on it and plugged things back in . It worked . For about three days . Yesterday , it succumbed again to the black screen . I had deduced that the problem was either the battery or the cord , because when the computer came back on Sunday , the battery charge was very low , okay , nonexistent . So this morning , with the black screen facing me , I unplugged and replugged . I took out the battery and replaced it . I turned to Tucker . Nothing worked . I had grades to finish for the other college where I teach , so I completed those on Earl 's computer then hoisted my computer into its bag . I took it to IT department at the college . The computer geeks there suggested that - - since the cord had been kittenized - - I should probably start with a new cord . The kitten chewed on the cord when he was little . We have it wrapped in electrical tape and it has carried on for nearly a year . This evening , after some amazing swims at a swim meet , Tucker , Grace and I returned home . " Can I have more time on the XBox ? " he asked , his hair still wet and his trunks soaking through his shorts . " Fix my computer , " I ordered as I picked up a dish towel and began to dry the " clean " dishes from the dishwasher . He unpacked it from the case and 30 seconds later said , " Mom , I got it to work . " I walked in and , sure enough , the lights were glowing and the battery was charging , slowly but surely . " Can I play XBox ? " he asked again . " Have at it , " I said . Could it be that he does something to the computer so that he can fix it and gain more time on his video games ? Very possible . For now though , he 's juat My kids can be so annoying and so funny . That really hasn 't changed much since they were little . Spencer is trying to redeem himself after his run - in with the law by volunteering at a basketball camp this week . " It 's horrible , " he moans . He 's coaching the third and fourth graders . " Horrible for you or for the kids ? " I ask on the drive there this morning . " Both , " he says . Apparently the kids don 't listen and just run amok . I had advised him to be firm with them , but this apparently hasn 't helped . " Just try to make a difference for one kid , " I advise this morning as he gets out of the car . " I do , " he says . " I give them fun nicknames , like Slick Rick . " Then he loped across the field , all six - foot , three - inches of him . Making a difference , one nickname at a time . All three of my children were home last night , which is unusual . One or all of them are generally " hanging out " with their friends somewhere in our small town . But following a day of swim practices and basketball scrimmages , they were all fairly lethargic . About 11 p . m . , I heard a sound outside and thought I saw movement . I pulled aside the curtains and saw the wind was whipping through the trees . I heard a rumble of thunder and saw a flash of light . Thunderstorm . Then I remembered the convertible . " Grace , " I called to her . " Did you put the top up on the car ? " She hadn 't . " Come on , " I yelled . " Thunderstorm . " The convertible top motor has given out . It won 't put the top up or down . And , since it 's heavy , it takes two people to put the top up . We ran through the dark down the alley to the street where the car was parked . " I 'll work from the outside . You start the car , " Grace yelled above the wind , flinching as thunder boomed again . I started the car and tried the button that puts the top up . Nothing . Grace was tugging and pulling on the top . I got out of the car and grabbed the other side . We pulled up then pushed it forward before I hopped the car to finish the job . Then we sprinted to the house again , with only a small scream from Grace when the lightning flashed again . Neat Charlotte , North Carolina or Salt Lake City , Utah ? Those are my choices this fall for attending conferences . First , let 's deal with the obvious - - surprise that the college wants to send me to a conference . But , the people in charge picked me , so I , of course , said yes . It 's not like I 'm sick of hotels and airplanes because I travel so much for business . Then the director of the Writing Center said I should choose between these two conferences . Information isn 't up about the presentations and the discussions , so I 'm really left choosing based solely on the city . Everyone in my family said they would choose Charlotte . I think we are predisposed towards the east - - kind of prejudiced in its favor . Its closer - - about nine hours away by car . Salt Lake City is a couple of days away by car . But I 'm not driving to either one . I 'm flying . So why do we lean toward North Carolina ? It 's beautiful . The Appalachian Mountains , lots of old trees , forests actually , people with slow southern drawls . Earl and I honeymooned in North Carolina . Of course , just as my family is drawn to the East , some people are drawn to the West . Earl 's sister 's family goes out west every chance they get . His niece lived in Colorado for awhile . They vacation in New Mexico and Arizona whenever they can . We 've visited Salt Lake City as a family once . I think it was beautiful too in a different way , like the unending sky and a sharp mountain backdrop . In the West , the mountains don 't seem to start like rolling hills and work up to high peeks . Instead , the plains run right up to high mountains . While we were in Salt Lake City , Earl toured the Mormon temple with a friend while I herded kids . There is something a little uncomfortable about being in such a religious city . I remember that the restaurant we went to didn 't serve alcohol - - a Mormon influence . Still the prevailing religion shouldn 't dissuade me from choosing Salt Lake City . The flight from Columbus to Salt Lake would take anywhere from five to eight hours with at least one plane change . The flight to Charlat The bee balm is blooming . I 'm not sure if this flower has any special powers , but , to me , it seems like it should be an antidepressant . Who could be sad when looking at this flower ? This flower is obviously the life of the party . My friend Ruth , in Michigan , gave me some of her bee balm , and it 's thriving here in Ohio . Hers aren 't blooming yet , but mine are already mid - party . This is the kind of flower that Dr . Seuss drew in his books . This flower should have a soundtrack from the 1980s : " Celebrate good times , come on . . . . " Look at its crazy top with the " court jester " hat tendrils that stick up in the air . This flower screams summer barbecues , the coconut smell of suntan lotion , and frosty drinks of pineapple . Celebrate ! Thanks for your encouragement , Bee Balm . At 3 : 38 a . m . , I heard a voice outside my bedroom window . " Mom ? Dad ? " Spencer 's voice called from the front porch . " Everything 's okay . I just need to be let in , " he said . He was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house . I scrambled out of bed and wondered if he was sick . Maybe the boys had decided to drink alcohol or experiment with drugs , so Spencer came home . All of these thoughts flitted through my mind as I scrambled out of bed to the front door . I never suspect the worst of Spencer . I never think he 'll make the wrong choice . As I turned the key in the lock , I saw someone standing behind Spencer . Someone big and I became worried . This man , because it was obviously a man , was standing with his feet spread wide , both hands in front of him in a military " at ease " position . This was a cop . I opened the front door and the young police officer began to explain . " Why don 't you come inside ? " I suggested , aware of the short exercise shorts and tank top I 'd worn to bed and wishing I 'd had a little warning of a night time visit from the police . I could see Spencer was fine . Just in trouble . So they came into the living room and Spencer collapsed on the couch , running his hands over his face . The officer explained that he had found Spencer and a couple of other boys outside after curfew . When they spotted the boys , they ran and hid in the bushes . Then a car picked them up and they drove away . The police pulled the car over . I was picturing a high - speed pursuit through our little town . The boys said they hid because they saw the police . They claimed they weren 't doing anything wrong . " I 'm so sorry , Mom , " Spencer said from his perch on the couch . " What about telling this officer your sorry that he has to bring you home instead of doing his job ? " I asked . " I 'm so sorry , sir , " he said . Then he moans and rubs his face again . The officer said the boys aren 't being charged with anything , just curfew violation . And he warns that the school is very strict about taking away sports and extracurricular activities if the boys had been cat On our run this morning , talk turned to hair , which is strange because currently , DreamGirl has no hair . She ran without a cap , her bald head still nubbly in spots as the chemotherapy continues to work its magic . I thought I was being petty as I twisted my hair into a braid to control the frizz created by the humidity . I reminded myself even as I tucked the braid in a cap that DreamGirl will be starting from scratch when her hair starts to grow out , so I should quit complaining . I thought I might feel uncomfortable talking about hair problems with a bald woman , but I didn 't . I asked her how she could resist telling bald men that she likes their hairstyle . She just smiled . Then she told me that her daughter is having hair issues . When she brushes it , it grows huge . " Tell her not to brush it , " I urged . " She doesn 't have curly hair , " DreamGirl said . " Trust me . If her hair is getting big and frizzy , she has curly hair if you just allow the curls to emerge . " This is still a novel idea to many people , but if you have curly hair , brushing is not the way to go . I should know . For years I brushed my hair and dealt with weird bumps that I tried to smooth down . When I read the book Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey , I became a convert . I know what you 're all thinking . Isn 't this the same woman who loves to straighten her hair ? Yes , that 's me . But in this humidity , there 's no sense pretending I have straight hair . I have to let it curl and control the frizz the best I can . I start in the shower . I don 't use shampoo . I haven 't for years . Curly hair has open follicles and shampoo is bad for it . Curly hair also doesn 't get greasy . So I rub my scalp and add conditioner . I spread the conditioner from my scalp to the ends , removing all the tangles with my fingers . It 's important to remove the tangles because I don 't brush it , remember . In humidity like this , I also leave some of the conditioner in . It isn 't leave - in conditioner , but I only rinse the top of my head and leave conditioner on the ends . When I get out of the shower , I don 't wrap my heat Here it is , the final week day of finals week . That means that I 've been grading papers all week . I 've just finished grading the last essay that students turned in Sunday night . Now I can begin grading their final exams - - which are also essays . Essay grading can be truly tedious . I have a list of comments that I insert , reminding students how to use MLA format , where to put commas , etc . Still , it takes a long time . This is the farthest behind I 've ever been in finals week . By this time , I 've usually added up the grades and turned them in . Graduation this week and a visit from my parents put me behind . So when I got up at 6 this morning , I gathered my computer and my coffee cup and headed to the front porch , my portable office . And here is my view as I grade papers , looking up from my laptop : And when I look to my left , the direction where I can see the downtown skyline in the winter , here is what I see : So , although I am stuck grading papers . I can 't complain about my little house in the treetops . And , I 'd better get back to work because I am expected for a family get together in Dayton this afternoon . It took a month and a half . Nearly 45 days of contentment . Or maybe I was just too busy getting ready for graduation that I didn 't have time to think about it . This morning , I read a blog , one of the blogs I read everyday , and that feeling hit me in the gut . The blog is Tongue in Cheek and you can find a link along the right side of my blog http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / . Today , she talked about different kinds of French breads , baguettes and batards and pain de campagne . She showed wheels of goat cheese . Then she included shots of the markets - - big melons and handwritten signs with loopy French writing . That 's when the longing hit . I wanted to go to France again . After our trip at the end of April , I thought I 'd fulfilled my desire for a few years , but here it came again . Then I got an email from France Guide , announcing a new contest . I entered and watched the " lost in francelation " video about apero , that before dinner drink and snack . Oh , how I want to visit France again . I begin to plot . I could win the lotto . I could sell a novel . I could win the contest . Even a bowl of black olives hasn 't quenched that latest gnawing in my stomach . Picture me in France - again . So , you all know I was in a tizzy about getting ready for the graduation party . The theme Grace and I chose was " Let Them Eat Cake " and I had a plan for 12 different kinds of cakes . Could I have done this alone ? I 'm thinking my family would have felt the brunt of it if I 'd tried . But I didn 't have to . On Thursday night , Grace and her friend Emily took the ingredients to Emily 's house and baked a turtle cake . Turtle cake has a layer of German chocolate cake on the bottom , caramel and chocolate chips in the middle then a layer of German chocolate cake on the top . I made another one of those at our house . Then I made two Cola cakes . Ever take a cake out of the pan and put it on a serving platter ? It 's very flat looking . So I increased the recipe by half to make it look fuller . For some reason , I kept messing up on the math for that increased recipe . The cakes turned out okay , but not my best Cola cakes . I also made a carrot cake which is practically healthy enough to serve for dinner . It has carrots , coconut , pineapple , yogurt and golden raisins in it . I had been to the grocery and had all the ingredients . I was ready for baking day . Ruth drove down from Michigan on Thursday night , arriving after 11 as I waited up bleary - eyes . The next morning , Sheila came by 8 : 30 a . m . loaded down with cake pans and a mixer . Sheila created a Lemon - Lime refrigerator cake that includes lime jello and lemon pudding . On the day of the party , one niece asked whether we 'd injected the cake with Sprite . She thought it tasted amazing . Ruth started making lemon curd for her lemon cake with raspberries . I know . Who makes homemade lemon curd ? " Good lemon curd tastes like sunshine , " according to Ruth . I kind of scurried around getting ingredients and staying ahead of the dishes . I also made the icing for the Cola cakes and had Grace ice them . Grace was so sweet when she got up and saw us in the kitchen . She said something like , " You guys are the best . " The oven was full of cakes and the smells emanated as the air conditioner worked overtime to keep us at Aaaaaah . What a crazy , exciting weekend . And I 'm so pleased now that it 's all over and everything went smoothly . There are three posts I want to write : Baking Day , Party Day and Graduation Day . But first , I have to get ready for my class and get my oldest son to basketball , my husband , father and youngest son off to the golf course and my daughter out the door to work . So for now , I just want to thank everyone who helped me make it through this weekend - - and you all know who you are . To Ruth who drove 4 1 / 2 hours to help me bake cakes then drove back 4 1 / 2 hours the next day without ever tasting a cake . To Sheila who forced me to get organized and then baked . She brought pans and mixers , umbrellas and coolers , hula hoops and cake servers . To Bethany , who decorated and kept Grace calm . To my neighbor Sandy who let us empty her backyard to create a circus - like atmosphere in our backyard . To my friends who came to support me as much as Grace , especially the ones I didn 't think would show up - - like Pam and Najah . To Noreen , who came 45 minutes early when I wasn 't even home , but who brought along her husband who helped us get the DVD of Grace 's childhood running . To my best friend from high school who drove an hour and a half knowing that she wouldn 't know anyone at the party and that I wouldn 't have more than a few minutes to spend with her , but still she came to celebrate . To my mom who took pictures and cut cake and washed dishes . To my dad who sat through the party , the graduation ceremony and came out to dinner even though it meant missing the end of a golf tournament on television . To Pam W - H who stayed and cleaned up the trash and sopping wet plates from the backyard . To Tracie who took the time to ask me about my writing in the midst of the chaos , and who , when I described the latest book said , " I got chills . . . " What more inspiration do I need to keep writing ? To the Chelli who came to eat cake and to the Julas who came late but still came . And to all of you in cyberspace who don 't know me but who were sending me good thoat I went shopping for a graduation dress with Grace today . I felt a little rushed , but hopefully didn 't let Grace feel it . In my head is a running list of all the things I need to do for the graduation party . We went to Macys and found a dress that she loved , but it was a little tight . The clerk checked and found that another store , not near our house , had the dress in the size she needed . Deep breath . The clock ticks in my head . So we drove to Polaris , north of Columbus and north of the outerbelt . The dress is beautiful on her . A simple white eyelet with ribbon straps and a silky white empire waist . An inch or so of white netting peeks out from the bottom of the dress . Girls often wear white dresses because their graduation robes are white . The boys get the other school color . Grace 's school colors are blue and white , so the boys will wear blue . A bright dress underneath white robes would definitely show . As we were shopping , I tried so hard to remember my graduation dress - - for either high school or college . I couldn 't picture my dresses at all . I could remember my sister 's dress . The one that hung in the closet waiting for her because she died the night before graduation . White cotton with a capped sleeve on the shoulder , pearl buttons on the bodice and a cotton bow on the back . I told my heart to slow down and tried to push the memory of that other graduation dress from my mind . This is totally different . This is my daughter , not my sister and she will walk across that stage on Sunday in her white robe with the eyelet dress underneath and sparkly silver shoes on her feet . Eighth grade graduation seems like a fairly trumped - up excuse to make your 8th grader put on nice clothes and sit through a ceremony . Still , they did a nice job and I begrudginly trudged along to the school . I guess 8th grade is hailed as a milestone because the next stop is high school . Tucker and I fought about what he would wear . We had a nice white shirt with a very pale blue plaid in it that fit him well . No . He wanted a solid blue shirt . We had none of those and I refused to go buy one for the single night of use . I 'm already hemorrhaging money for Grace 's graduation and subsequent journey to college . Plus , Tucker 's class leaves today for Washington DC , which is another expense . ( I had regrets as I lay in bed last night and decided I should have sprung for the new shirt . ) Tucker refused to wear a tie and then balked at the dress shoes and went for tennis shoes . I let him choose . Most everyone was dressed up . The girl in the front row on the left in the white dress is Tucker 's girlfriend . They break up sometimes , but always end up getting back together . Some of the girls looked much older than the boys . This was enhanced by towering heels and sometimes risque clothing . Tucker was recognized for being a finalist in the Geography Bee , winning the President 's Physical Fitness Award and Merit Roll . Everyone got an 8th grade diploma . Afterwards , he handed me his envelope with the awards and was anxious to see me leave . The dance was starting ! I made him pose for one picture with a friend before I left him to it . And , as bad as I felt later that he wasn 't in a shirt that fit and looked nice , I knew that he 'd made more effort than many of the parents . Here was a guy sitting a few rows in front of me . His shirt says " Do it Hoggy Style . " This is a play on words that has sexual connotations and also advertises a restaurant . Now why didn 't I think to wear something like that to 8th grade graduation ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
I wish I could say family night was a hit . It was better than last week . This photo may have been the high point , but I had to tell them to smile . We went to a Clippers baseball game . I 've blogged before about how great this field is , and we had nice seats in the second row . Unfortunately , it was one of those 95 - degree days so we were dripping sweat in the sun . My favorite part of a minor league baseball game is the hot dog races . I don 't know why they have hot dog races , but the hot dogs - - one with mustard , one with ketchup , and one with relish - - race down the first base line . So far this season , mustard has won no races . Oh , my heart goes out to mustard who fell again during this race and still has zero wins . I did get this great photo of one of the other hot dogs jumping over the fallen mustard hot dog . When I try to explain something like hot dog races and call them mustard hot dog or relish hot dog , it feels like maybe I 've fallen down the rabbit hole with Alice . So strange . Today the weather turned cool after a week of mid - 90 degree days . Earl and I decided to go for a bike ride . We realized that we didn 't need to limit our bike rides to trips to Monet 's Garden - - our last recreational bike ride . And , lest you forget , that trip was full of mistakes , like missing a train and following the wrong man down the road . You can read about it here : http : / / paulita - ponderings . blogspot . com / 2010 / 04 / jai - trompe . html ( I don 't know why my links won 't work in my posts , but it is frustrating . ) . From our house we rode to the bike trail that follows the Olentangy River . Workers are fixing the highway over the trail and I caught a picture of the sparks cascading down the concrete . The bike trail leads to the confluence of the Olentangy and the Scioto rivers before it heads toward downtown Columbus . The bike trail is like a tourist guide . It leads past COSI , the museum of Science and Industry . It also goes past the Santa Maria , a replica of the ship that Columbus took on his first trip to the New World . The trail also streaks past the Ohio Supreme Court building , which has some gorgeous painting and architecture . Unfortunately , that 's where we ran into trouble and had to take to the streets instead of the bike trail because the city is building a promenade along the river . We had to ride through a construction zone then a busy street in the brewery district before we got to the park . Earl rode on to the Audubon building while I checked out the park . If my kids were still little and we were homeschooling , this place would be my new hangout . There are sand volleyball pits , a climbing wall and playgrounds over rubber surface . I walked up to the third stage of a tower to survey my kingdom , well , the park around me . While Earl waited for me to catch up , he sat in a chair in front of the Audubon building . That is him waving wildly . I told him it looked as if he was being attacked by the giant bird statue . The audubon building is full of photos of birds that have been spotted along the river , wetlands and fieldsat I am a writer . At least that 's what I say . I have two finished ( yet unsold ) novels to prove it . And I am 60 , 000 words into my third novel , thinking " this is the one . " Yet , during this two week break from classes , I have written very little . I 'm kind of stuck . I 'm not sure I really believe in writer 's block . I know what I want to happen in the book but I 've just been unsure how to get there . I tried jumping ahead to write the scenes I know , but they were falling flat . This book , The Summer of France , started out as women 's fiction . A woman with twin teenagers wants to build a close family before they leave for college and careers . She , her husband , and the twins go to France to run a bed and breakfast for her uncle who married a French woman after World War II . So , it sounds like the book will be all about feelings and rebellious teenagers and marriage angst in a foreign country . Then suddenly I find my characters in the middle of intrigue as the main character discovers that her uncle has a famous painting that went missing in World War II . Black market art dealers are trying to get their hands on the painting and the police can 't be far behind . What should she do with the painting and how can she save her uncle and his reputation ? I 'm in the middle of a chase scene and I have no idea how to write a chase scene . After two weeks of dithering , I happened upon a writing book at the library . It 's a book by Maeve Binchy called The Maeve Binchy Writers ' Club . I opened it yesterday afternoon and read the first few chapters on the front porch with a thunderstorm blowing through . Earl sat on the porch reading his own book and was willing to put down his book when I wanted to talk through the stuck parts in my novel . Amazingly , we fleshed out some scenes to get me through the hard spot and increase the intrigue . Sometimes , just reading about writing or talking about writing can break through that barrier . This morning , I wrote nearly 2000 words and I have set the calendar on my phone to wake me every morning at 5 a . m . so I can at My bellybutton has become an emoticon . You know , those little faces that people use in text messages and emails . My bellybutton use to be simply a circle , sometimes deeper sometimes more shallow . Three different times it became a taut dot on the mound of my stomach swollen with baby . Just this morning , as I stepped out of the shower , I noticed that it has taken on a distinctly different look . It looks like this on the top : ^ And the bottom is like a parentheses turned on its side . A smile . So at least my bellybutton is a happy emoticon . I imagine that the emoticon at the top right of the photo is the closest to my belly button image . Now what does this have to do with gravity ? Well , I actually tugged on either side of my belly button and pulled it upward . The ^ disappeared . Which means gravity has had its way with the skin on my stomach which I consdered fairly tight . Something else for me to worry about , or I could just accept that my belly button is trying to express itself . It has gotten over the look of surprise 0 _ 0 and moved on to happiness and acceptance . I just finished reading a book called This is Where We Live by Janelle Brown . It took me awhile to get into it , but this morning , with nearly half of it left , I sat down and read the rest of the book . The book focuses on an artistic couple in their mid - thirties . She writes and directs films . He has been in a successful rock band and is trying to start another one . Some bad luck lands them in trouble with their mortgage on their Arts & Crafts house in Los Angeles . Of course , I live in an Arts & Crafts - style house , so I can immediately feel a bond with them . They had a balloon mortgage that ballooned out of reach . The husband wants to walk away from the house to travel . He feels the debt and the house are a ball and chain pulling him down . The wife , a midwesterner by birth , is desperate not to lose the house . And that 's what got me thinking . I found myself agreeing with the husband . This couple had no kids , no obligations , and I thought , of course they should give up the house . Sell it or let the bank repossess it . Move on without the trappings that weigh you down . I remember as a woman in my 20s I was so anxious about finding the right man and buying a house , starting a family . Now I wonder what that urge , that need is all about . I wouldn 't give up my kids , and maybe I can say this now because I have three kids , that this couple shouldn 't sacrifice their creativity for a house and a family . Maybe I 've just moved into my mid - life crisis where I 'm ready to sell the house and travel the world . What would you advise a young couple , or even a single person in this predicament ? Do you think the young people you know feel too eager to marry and settle down ? Twenty years ago today in Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky , Earl and I were married . The day was sunny and warm , but nowhere near as warm as it is today in Ohio - - 89 humid degrees . I wonder if it 's a bad sign that we can 't find our wedding album anywhere ? I 've searched and Earl has searched . I found some snapshots that friends gave us so you can see how fresh - faced and naive we were in 1990 . My parents owned a blueberry farm in a holler in Kentucky . We were married in front of a meandering creek with the tiger lilies in bloom . On the left side of the photo is Grandad Ish , who has since died . Earl 's brother Art was the best man and the priest , Father Al , has gone on to write books about being a priest in Appalachia . Look at my face . I really love that man . I 'm amazed that he 's marrying me . After the ceremony , we stood there by the whispering creek and people moved along to congratulate us . You can 't see me in this photo , but you can see Tracey , my best friend from high school and maid of honor laughing . Twenty years ago , I had no idea how to make a marriage work . I got very lucky in a number of ways . One of those ways was my choice . I think it 's nearly impossible to make a good choice this young ( and I was 27 ! ) . I chose a man who treated others well . When a waitress dropped a tray , he 'd get up to help her . When a woman was panhandling and he turned her down , he later knocked on her car window and gave her money . He cares about other people , and that includes me . It hasn 't been 20 years of bliss . We 've had fights that lasted for weeks . We 've learned to swallow hurtful words . We 've gone through childbirth together three times ( okay , I bore the brunt of that ) and find our biggest arguments are about parenting . We 've lived in seven houses and owned four . We 've moved from Florida to Michigan to Ohio . We 've been to Europe six times and traveled throughout most of the United States . We have dreams together - - dreams of owning a bed and breakfast , dreams of moving to France , dreams of publishing novels . Most of our day - tat This spring Grace has been walking the dog of a friend who I teach with . The woman has a stress fracture in her leg and can 't walk her five - year - old golden retriever . She pays Grace to walk him five days a week . On days when Grace has to work and has swim practice , or during the craziness of graduation , I would sometimes walk him . He 's a nice dog and I didn 't think twice when she said she needed someone to watch him while she goes on vacation . ( She has a husband and an 18 - year - old son who are both home but won 't help with the dog . ) I agreed to keeping the dog here and didn 't think about it again , until I mentioned it to Earl and he said , " I don 't want a dog in the house . " That put me in quite a pickle . I felt like I had committed to keep the dog , so I told Grace we would have to brush the dog and clean up dog hair everyday to alleviate the hair situation . Grace drove his gates and bowls and foods home in the car while I walked him the mile and a half to our house . He got a bath in the backyard and quite a bit of brushing before we let him inside . Here are the clumps of hair we removed from him . He 's a good dog although he has gotten us up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom both nights . I think he sleeps in my friend 's bed , so isn 't used to being alone at night . Well , he isn 't exactly alone . He has the cats , who , as you can see , feel right at home with him . I declared Sunday nights as family nights this summer . After all , Grace is getting ready to leave for college and the boys hang out with their friends most nights of the week . I wasn 't expecting a night with the Walton family , but apparently , my expectations were a little high . We started with a family dinner of chicken and vegetables on the grill . Normally , it would have been shish kebab , but we skipped the sticks . So with a bowl of grilled chicken and a bowl overflowing with zucchini , summer squash , tomatoes , mushrooms , onions and carrots on the table , Tucker declared himself not hungry and refused to eat . He sipped on a glass of water and pondered whether he could add mint syrup to it . I vetoed that idea since he wasn 't even eating dinner . He informed me he didn 't like shish kebab . What 's not to like about chicken ? And I know he eats carrots . I didn 't argue though , just made him turn forward and get his elbows off the table . He had spent the night at a friend 's house so I wrote off his bad behavior to tiredness . His silence and refusal to eat as he sat sullenly at the table pulled a wet blanket over the beginning of family night . After dinner , we chose a game to play . Since it was father 's day , we let Earl choose poker . It wasn 't Texas hold em , but five card draw and five card stud with a few hands of black jack thrown in . I couldn 't find the poker chips , so used these colorful plastic tokens that the kids sorted when they were little . We started with 25 and I quickly lost all of mine , so we added some more . As Tucker won a few hands , his mood improved . As Grace lost every hand , she grew morose . " Why can 't we play euchre ? " she asked . She listed other card games she would be willing to play - - Egyptian ratscrew , spoons . To no avail . The poker continued . She said it didn 't bother her to lose , she just hated that it all seemed to be about the luck of the cards instead of skill . I suppose the skill is a little more subtle than in a card game like euchre . As they got into the game , the guys put on their poker faces . Sat My blog is called an accidental blog because I started it one day without intending to . Someone in my Yahoo group sent an email . I clicked on the blog related to the email and I wanted to leave a comment . I couldn 't figure out how to leave a comment without registering for a blog myself . Thus , an accidental blog was born . Today , I accidentally removed my blog and for a few frantic hours , I thought it was lost forever . When I started this blog , back in August 2006 , a gmail account wasn 't required . I began with my own personal email . This spring , I started a gmail for an alter ego account to write some racy fiction under another name . That name immediately became connected to this blog . I lived in fear of my alter ego making comments on other people 's blogs . I know , it makes you think , " How unsophisticated is she about technology ? " Pretty naive . Well , the racy fiction was rejected and I was tired of seeing the alter ego 's name at the top of my blog , so I decided to delete the Facebook page and the gmail account . When I did , my blog disappeared . When I clicked on it , the message said , " This blog has been removed . " Yikes ! All of those years of posting . All of those visitors stacked up one by one . Gone . I started searching for answers . I couldn 't get on Google accounts to ask questions because I didn 't have a google account anymore . I opened another one . Then I found the answer to reinstating the alter ego 's account , which should bring back my blog . I sent the message to the Google elves . A few hours later , they replied that they couldn 't reopen my account because I 'd started another one . I deleted the new one and sent another message . Finally , after about five crazy hours , they sent me an email telling me that I could change my password . Aaaargh ! I didn 't want to change my password . I wanted to get my blog back . I found an old email from my website designer and started constructing an email . I would give him all the details and my emails and passwords to see if he could fix it . I needed to give him my blog address . I clicked at Last year , right around this same time , in the middle of grading final exams , my computer stopped working . Guess what ? It happened again on Sunday . The screen just went black and it turned off . That evening , as Tucker was begging for more time on his XBox , I asked him to work his magic on my computer . Whenever anything in the communication world goes down , I turn to Tucker - - television , cable , DVD player , computer , iPods , phones . He 's my go - to guy . So , he unplugged everything , blew on it and plugged things back in . It worked . For about three days . Yesterday , it succumbed again to the black screen . I had deduced that the problem was either the battery or the cord , because when the computer came back on Sunday , the battery charge was very low , okay , nonexistent . So this morning , with the black screen facing me , I unplugged and replugged . I took out the battery and replaced it . I turned to Tucker . Nothing worked . I had grades to finish for the other college where I teach , so I completed those on Earl 's computer then hoisted my computer into its bag . I took it to IT department at the college . The computer geeks there suggested that - - since the cord had been kittenized - - I should probably start with a new cord . The kitten chewed on the cord when he was little . We have it wrapped in electrical tape and it has carried on for nearly a year . This evening , after some amazing swims at a swim meet , Tucker , Grace and I returned home . " Can I have more time on the XBox ? " he asked , his hair still wet and his trunks soaking through his shorts . " Fix my computer , " I ordered as I picked up a dish towel and began to dry the " clean " dishes from the dishwasher . He unpacked it from the case and 30 seconds later said , " Mom , I got it to work . " I walked in and , sure enough , the lights were glowing and the battery was charging , slowly but surely . " Can I play XBox ? " he asked again . " Have at it , " I said . Could it be that he does something to the computer so that he can fix it and gain more time on his video games ? Very possible . For now though , he 's juat My kids can be so annoying and so funny . That really hasn 't changed much since they were little . Spencer is trying to redeem himself after his run - in with the law by volunteering at a basketball camp this week . " It 's horrible , " he moans . He 's coaching the third and fourth graders . " Horrible for you or for the kids ? " I ask on the drive there this morning . " Both , " he says . Apparently the kids don 't listen and just run amok . I had advised him to be firm with them , but this apparently hasn 't helped . " Just try to make a difference for one kid , " I advise this morning as he gets out of the car . " I do , " he says . " I give them fun nicknames , like Slick Rick . " Then he loped across the field , all six - foot , three - inches of him . Making a difference , one nickname at a time . All three of my children were home last night , which is unusual . One or all of them are generally " hanging out " with their friends somewhere in our small town . But following a day of swim practices and basketball scrimmages , they were all fairly lethargic . About 11 p . m . , I heard a sound outside and thought I saw movement . I pulled aside the curtains and saw the wind was whipping through the trees . I heard a rumble of thunder and saw a flash of light . Thunderstorm . Then I remembered the convertible . " Grace , " I called to her . " Did you put the top up on the car ? " She hadn 't . " Come on , " I yelled . " Thunderstorm . " The convertible top motor has given out . It won 't put the top up or down . And , since it 's heavy , it takes two people to put the top up . We ran through the dark down the alley to the street where the car was parked . " I 'll work from the outside . You start the car , " Grace yelled above the wind , flinching as thunder boomed again . I started the car and tried the button that puts the top up . Nothing . Grace was tugging and pulling on the top . I got out of the car and grabbed the other side . We pulled up then pushed it forward before I hopped the car to finish the job . Then we sprinted to the house again , with only a small scream from Grace when the lightning flashed again . Neat Charlotte , North Carolina or Salt Lake City , Utah ? Those are my choices this fall for attending conferences . First , let 's deal with the obvious - - surprise that the college wants to send me to a conference . But , the people in charge picked me , so I , of course , said yes . It 's not like I 'm sick of hotels and airplanes because I travel so much for business . Then the director of the Writing Center said I should choose between these two conferences . Information isn 't up about the presentations and the discussions , so I 'm really left choosing based solely on the city . Everyone in my family said they would choose Charlotte . I think we are predisposed towards the east - - kind of prejudiced in its favor . Its closer - - about nine hours away by car . Salt Lake City is a couple of days away by car . But I 'm not driving to either one . I 'm flying . So why do we lean toward North Carolina ? It 's beautiful . The Appalachian Mountains , lots of old trees , forests actually , people with slow southern drawls . Earl and I honeymooned in North Carolina . Of course , just as my family is drawn to the East , some people are drawn to the West . Earl 's sister 's family goes out west every chance they get . His niece lived in Colorado for awhile . They vacation in New Mexico and Arizona whenever they can . We 've visited Salt Lake City as a family once . I think it was beautiful too in a different way , like the unending sky and a sharp mountain backdrop . In the West , the mountains don 't seem to start like rolling hills and work up to high peeks . Instead , the plains run right up to high mountains . While we were in Salt Lake City , Earl toured the Mormon temple with a friend while I herded kids . There is something a little uncomfortable about being in such a religious city . I remember that the restaurant we went to didn 't serve alcohol - - a Mormon influence . Still the prevailing religion shouldn 't dissuade me from choosing Salt Lake City . The flight from Columbus to Salt Lake would take anywhere from five to eight hours with at least one plane change . The flight to Charlat The bee balm is blooming . I 'm not sure if this flower has any special powers , but , to me , it seems like it should be an antidepressant . Who could be sad when looking at this flower ? This flower is obviously the life of the party . My friend Ruth , in Michigan , gave me some of her bee balm , and it 's thriving here in Ohio . Hers aren 't blooming yet , but mine are already mid - party . This is the kind of flower that Dr . Seuss drew in his books . This flower should have a soundtrack from the 1980s : " Celebrate good times , come on . . . . " Look at its crazy top with the " court jester " hat tendrils that stick up in the air . This flower screams summer barbecues , the coconut smell of suntan lotion , and frosty drinks of pineapple . Celebrate ! Thanks for your encouragement , Bee Balm . At 3 : 38 a . m . , I heard a voice outside my bedroom window . " Mom ? Dad ? " Spencer 's voice called from the front porch . " Everything 's okay . I just need to be let in , " he said . He was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house . I scrambled out of bed and wondered if he was sick . Maybe the boys had decided to drink alcohol or experiment with drugs , so Spencer came home . All of these thoughts flitted through my mind as I scrambled out of bed to the front door . I never suspect the worst of Spencer . I never think he 'll make the wrong choice . As I turned the key in the lock , I saw someone standing behind Spencer . Someone big and I became worried . This man , because it was obviously a man , was standing with his feet spread wide , both hands in front of him in a military " at ease " position . This was a cop . I opened the front door and the young police officer began to explain . " Why don 't you come inside ? " I suggested , aware of the short exercise shorts and tank top I 'd worn to bed and wishing I 'd had a little warning of a night time visit from the police . I could see Spencer was fine . Just in trouble . So they came into the living room and Spencer collapsed on the couch , running his hands over his face . The officer explained that he had found Spencer and a couple of other boys outside after curfew . When they spotted the boys , they ran and hid in the bushes . Then a car picked them up and they drove away . The police pulled the car over . I was picturing a high - speed pursuit through our little town . The boys said they hid because they saw the police . They claimed they weren 't doing anything wrong . " I 'm so sorry , Mom , " Spencer said from his perch on the couch . " What about telling this officer your sorry that he has to bring you home instead of doing his job ? " I asked . " I 'm so sorry , sir , " he said . Then he moans and rubs his face again . The officer said the boys aren 't being charged with anything , just curfew violation . And he warns that the school is very strict about taking away sports and extracurricular activities if the boys had been cat On our run this morning , talk turned to hair , which is strange because currently , DreamGirl has no hair . She ran without a cap , her bald head still nubbly in spots as the chemotherapy continues to work its magic . I thought I was being petty as I twisted my hair into a braid to control the frizz created by the humidity . I reminded myself even as I tucked the braid in a cap that DreamGirl will be starting from scratch when her hair starts to grow out , so I should quit complaining . I thought I might feel uncomfortable talking about hair problems with a bald woman , but I didn 't . I asked her how she could resist telling bald men that she likes their hairstyle . She just smiled . Then she told me that her daughter is having hair issues . When she brushes it , it grows huge . " Tell her not to brush it , " I urged . " She doesn 't have curly hair , " DreamGirl said . " Trust me . If her hair is getting big and frizzy , she has curly hair if you just allow the curls to emerge . " This is still a novel idea to many people , but if you have curly hair , brushing is not the way to go . I should know . For years I brushed my hair and dealt with weird bumps that I tried to smooth down . When I read the book Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey , I became a convert . I know what you 're all thinking . Isn 't this the same woman who loves to straighten her hair ? Yes , that 's me . But in this humidity , there 's no sense pretending I have straight hair . I have to let it curl and control the frizz the best I can . I start in the shower . I don 't use shampoo . I haven 't for years . Curly hair has open follicles and shampoo is bad for it . Curly hair also doesn 't get greasy . So I rub my scalp and add conditioner . I spread the conditioner from my scalp to the ends , removing all the tangles with my fingers . It 's important to remove the tangles because I don 't brush it , remember . In humidity like this , I also leave some of the conditioner in . It isn 't leave - in conditioner , but I only rinse the top of my head and leave conditioner on the ends . When I get out of the shower , I don 't wrap my heat Here it is , the final week day of finals week . That means that I 've been grading papers all week . I 've just finished grading the last essay that students turned in Sunday night . Now I can begin grading their final exams - - which are also essays . Essay grading can be truly tedious . I have a list of comments that I insert , reminding students how to use MLA format , where to put commas , etc . Still , it takes a long time . This is the farthest behind I 've ever been in finals week . By this time , I 've usually added up the grades and turned them in . Graduation this week and a visit from my parents put me behind . So when I got up at 6 this morning , I gathered my computer and my coffee cup and headed to the front porch , my portable office . And here is my view as I grade papers , looking up from my laptop : And when I look to my left , the direction where I can see the downtown skyline in the winter , here is what I see : So , although I am stuck grading papers . I can 't complain about my little house in the treetops . And , I 'd better get back to work because I am expected for a family get together in Dayton this afternoon . It took a month and a half . Nearly 45 days of contentment . Or maybe I was just too busy getting ready for graduation that I didn 't have time to think about it . This morning , I read a blog , one of the blogs I read everyday , and that feeling hit me in the gut . The blog is Tongue in Cheek and you can find a link along the right side of my blog http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / . Today , she talked about different kinds of French breads , baguettes and batards and pain de campagne . She showed wheels of goat cheese . Then she included shots of the markets - - big melons and handwritten signs with loopy French writing . That 's when the longing hit . I wanted to go to France again . After our trip at the end of April , I thought I 'd fulfilled my desire for a few years , but here it came again . Then I got an email from France Guide , announcing a new contest . I entered and watched the " lost in francelation " video about apero , that before dinner drink and snack . Oh , how I want to visit France again . I begin to plot . I could win the lotto . I could sell a novel . I could win the contest . Even a bowl of black olives hasn 't quenched that latest gnawing in my stomach . Picture me in France - again . So , you all know I was in a tizzy about getting ready for the graduation party . The theme Grace and I chose was " Let Them Eat Cake " and I had a plan for 12 different kinds of cakes . Could I have done this alone ? I 'm thinking my family would have felt the brunt of it if I 'd tried . But I didn 't have to . On Thursday night , Grace and her friend Emily took the ingredients to Emily 's house and baked a turtle cake . Turtle cake has a layer of German chocolate cake on the bottom , caramel and chocolate chips in the middle then a layer of German chocolate cake on the top . I made another one of those at our house . Then I made two Cola cakes . Ever take a cake out of the pan and put it on a serving platter ? It 's very flat looking . So I increased the recipe by half to make it look fuller . For some reason , I kept messing up on the math for that increased recipe . The cakes turned out okay , but not my best Cola cakes . I also made a carrot cake which is practically healthy enough to serve for dinner . It has carrots , coconut , pineapple , yogurt and golden raisins in it . I had been to the grocery and had all the ingredients . I was ready for baking day . Ruth drove down from Michigan on Thursday night , arriving after 11 as I waited up bleary - eyes . The next morning , Sheila came by 8 : 30 a . m . loaded down with cake pans and a mixer . Sheila created a Lemon - Lime refrigerator cake that includes lime jello and lemon pudding . On the day of the party , one niece asked whether we 'd injected the cake with Sprite . She thought it tasted amazing . Ruth started making lemon curd for her lemon cake with raspberries . I know . Who makes homemade lemon curd ? " Good lemon curd tastes like sunshine , " according to Ruth . I kind of scurried around getting ingredients and staying ahead of the dishes . I also made the icing for the Cola cakes and had Grace ice them . Grace was so sweet when she got up and saw us in the kitchen . She said something like , " You guys are the best . " The oven was full of cakes and the smells emanated as the air conditioner worked overtime to keep us at Aaaaaah . What a crazy , exciting weekend . And I 'm so pleased now that it 's all over and everything went smoothly . There are three posts I want to write : Baking Day , Party Day and Graduation Day . But first , I have to get ready for my class and get my oldest son to basketball , my husband , father and youngest son off to the golf course and my daughter out the door to work . So for now , I just want to thank everyone who helped me make it through this weekend - - and you all know who you are . To Ruth who drove 4 1 / 2 hours to help me bake cakes then drove back 4 1 / 2 hours the next day without ever tasting a cake . To Sheila who forced me to get organized and then baked . She brought pans and mixers , umbrellas and coolers , hula hoops and cake servers . To Bethany , who decorated and kept Grace calm . To my neighbor Sandy who let us empty her backyard to create a circus - like atmosphere in our backyard . To my friends who came to support me as much as Grace , especially the ones I didn 't think would show up - - like Pam and Najah . To Noreen , who came 45 minutes early when I wasn 't even home , but who brought along her husband who helped us get the DVD of Grace 's childhood running . To my best friend from high school who drove an hour and a half knowing that she wouldn 't know anyone at the party and that I wouldn 't have more than a few minutes to spend with her , but still she came to celebrate . To my mom who took pictures and cut cake and washed dishes . To my dad who sat through the party , the graduation ceremony and came out to dinner even though it meant missing the end of a golf tournament on television . To Pam W - H who stayed and cleaned up the trash and sopping wet plates from the backyard . To Tracie who took the time to ask me about my writing in the midst of the chaos , and who , when I described the latest book said , " I got chills . . . " What more inspiration do I need to keep writing ? To the Chelli who came to eat cake and to the Julas who came late but still came . And to all of you in cyberspace who don 't know me but who were sending me good thoat I went shopping for a graduation dress with Grace today . I felt a little rushed , but hopefully didn 't let Grace feel it . In my head is a running list of all the things I need to do for the graduation party . We went to Macys and found a dress that she loved , but it was a little tight . The clerk checked and found that another store , not near our house , had the dress in the size she needed . Deep breath . The clock ticks in my head . So we drove to Polaris , north of Columbus and north of the outerbelt . The dress is beautiful on her . A simple white eyelet with ribbon straps and a silky white empire waist . An inch or so of white netting peeks out from the bottom of the dress . Girls often wear white dresses because their graduation robes are white . The boys get the other school color . Grace 's school colors are blue and white , so the boys will wear blue . A bright dress underneath white robes would definitely show . As we were shopping , I tried so hard to remember my graduation dress - - for either high school or college . I couldn 't picture my dresses at all . I could remember my sister 's dress . The one that hung in the closet waiting for her because she died the night before graduation . White cotton with a capped sleeve on the shoulder , pearl buttons on the bodice and a cotton bow on the back . I told my heart to slow down and tried to push the memory of that other graduation dress from my mind . This is totally different . This is my daughter , not my sister and she will walk across that stage on Sunday in her white robe with the eyelet dress underneath and sparkly silver shoes on her feet . Eighth grade graduation seems like a fairly trumped - up excuse to make your 8th grader put on nice clothes and sit through a ceremony . Still , they did a nice job and I begrudginly trudged along to the school . I guess 8th grade is hailed as a milestone because the next stop is high school . Tucker and I fought about what he would wear . We had a nice white shirt with a very pale blue plaid in it that fit him well . No . He wanted a solid blue shirt . We had none of those and I refused to go buy one for the single night of use . I 'm already hemorrhaging money for Grace 's graduation and subsequent journey to college . Plus , Tucker 's class leaves today for Washington DC , which is another expense . ( I had regrets as I lay in bed last night and decided I should have sprung for the new shirt . ) Tucker refused to wear a tie and then balked at the dress shoes and went for tennis shoes . I let him choose . Most everyone was dressed up . The girl in the front row on the left in the white dress is Tucker 's girlfriend . They break up sometimes , but always end up getting back together . Some of the girls looked much older than the boys . This was enhanced by towering heels and sometimes risque clothing . Tucker was recognized for being a finalist in the Geography Bee , winning the President 's Physical Fitness Award and Merit Roll . Everyone got an 8th grade diploma . Afterwards , he handed me his envelope with the awards and was anxious to see me leave . The dance was starting ! I made him pose for one picture with a friend before I left him to it . And , as bad as I felt later that he wasn 't in a shirt that fit and looked nice , I knew that he 'd made more effort than many of the parents . Here was a guy sitting a few rows in front of me . His shirt says " Do it Hoggy Style . " This is a play on words that has sexual connotations and also advertises a restaurant . Now why didn 't I think to wear something like that to 8th grade graduation ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
I wish I could say family night was a hit . It was better than last week . This photo may have been the high point , but I had to tell them to smile . We went to a Clippers baseball game . I 've blogged before about how great this field is , and we had nice seats in the second row . Unfortunately , it was one of those 95 - degree days so we were dripping sweat in the sun . My favorite part of a minor league baseball game is the hot dog races . I don 't know why they have hot dog races , but the hot dogs - - one with mustard , one with ketchup , and one with relish - - race down the first base line . So far this season , mustard has won no races . Oh , my heart goes out to mustard who fell again during this race and still has zero wins . I did get this great photo of one of the other hot dogs jumping over the fallen mustard hot dog . When I try to explain something like hot dog races and call them mustard hot dog or relish hot dog , it feels like maybe I 've fallen down the rabbit hole with Alice . So strange . Today the weather turned cool after a week of mid - 90 degree days . Earl and I decided to go for a bike ride . We realized that we didn 't need to limit our bike rides to trips to Monet 's Garden - - our last recreational bike ride . And , lest you forget , that trip was full of mistakes , like missing a train and following the wrong man down the road . You can read about it here : http : / / paulita - ponderings . blogspot . com / 2010 / 04 / jai - trompe . html ( I don 't know why my links won 't work in my posts , but it is frustrating . ) . From our house we rode to the bike trail that follows the Olentangy River . Workers are fixing the highway over the trail and I caught a picture of the sparks cascading down the concrete . The bike trail leads to the confluence of the Olentangy and the Scioto rivers before it heads toward downtown Columbus . The bike trail is like a tourist guide . It leads past COSI , the museum of Science and Industry . It also goes past the Santa Maria , a replica of the ship that Columbus took on his first trip to the New World . The trail also streaks past the Ohio Supreme Court building , which has some gorgeous painting and architecture . Unfortunately , that 's where we ran into trouble and had to take to the streets instead of the bike trail because the city is building a promenade along the river . We had to ride through a construction zone then a busy street in the brewery district before we got to the park . Earl rode on to the Audubon building while I checked out the park . If my kids were still little and we were homeschooling , this place would be my new hangout . There are sand volleyball pits , a climbing wall and playgrounds over rubber surface . I walked up to the third stage of a tower to survey my kingdom , well , the park around me . While Earl waited for me to catch up , he sat in a chair in front of the Audubon building . That is him waving wildly . I told him it looked as if he was being attacked by the giant bird statue . The audubon building is full of photos of birds that have been spotted along the river , wetlands and fieldsat I am a writer . At least that 's what I say . I have two finished ( yet unsold ) novels to prove it . And I am 60 , 000 words into my third novel , thinking " this is the one . " Yet , during this two week break from classes , I have written very little . I 'm kind of stuck . I 'm not sure I really believe in writer 's block . I know what I want to happen in the book but I 've just been unsure how to get there . I tried jumping ahead to write the scenes I know , but they were falling flat . This book , The Summer of France , started out as women 's fiction . A woman with twin teenagers wants to build a close family before they leave for college and careers . She , her husband , and the twins go to France to run a bed and breakfast for her uncle who married a French woman after World War II . So , it sounds like the book will be all about feelings and rebellious teenagers and marriage angst in a foreign country . Then suddenly I find my characters in the middle of intrigue as the main character discovers that her uncle has a famous painting that went missing in World War II . Black market art dealers are trying to get their hands on the painting and the police can 't be far behind . What should she do with the painting and how can she save her uncle and his reputation ? I 'm in the middle of a chase scene and I have no idea how to write a chase scene . After two weeks of dithering , I happened upon a writing book at the library . It 's a book by Maeve Binchy called The Maeve Binchy Writers ' Club . I opened it yesterday afternoon and read the first few chapters on the front porch with a thunderstorm blowing through . Earl sat on the porch reading his own book and was willing to put down his book when I wanted to talk through the stuck parts in my novel . Amazingly , we fleshed out some scenes to get me through the hard spot and increase the intrigue . Sometimes , just reading about writing or talking about writing can break through that barrier . This morning , I wrote nearly 2000 words and I have set the calendar on my phone to wake me every morning at 5 a . m . so I can at My bellybutton has become an emoticon . You know , those little faces that people use in text messages and emails . My bellybutton use to be simply a circle , sometimes deeper sometimes more shallow . Three different times it became a taut dot on the mound of my stomach swollen with baby . Just this morning , as I stepped out of the shower , I noticed that it has taken on a distinctly different look . It looks like this on the top : ^ And the bottom is like a parentheses turned on its side . A smile . So at least my bellybutton is a happy emoticon . I imagine that the emoticon at the top right of the photo is the closest to my belly button image . Now what does this have to do with gravity ? Well , I actually tugged on either side of my belly button and pulled it upward . The ^ disappeared . Which means gravity has had its way with the skin on my stomach which I consdered fairly tight . Something else for me to worry about , or I could just accept that my belly button is trying to express itself . It has gotten over the look of surprise 0 _ 0 and moved on to happiness and acceptance . I just finished reading a book called This is Where We Live by Janelle Brown . It took me awhile to get into it , but this morning , with nearly half of it left , I sat down and read the rest of the book . The book focuses on an artistic couple in their mid - thirties . She writes and directs films . He has been in a successful rock band and is trying to start another one . Some bad luck lands them in trouble with their mortgage on their Arts & Crafts house in Los Angeles . Of course , I live in an Arts & Crafts - style house , so I can immediately feel a bond with them . They had a balloon mortgage that ballooned out of reach . The husband wants to walk away from the house to travel . He feels the debt and the house are a ball and chain pulling him down . The wife , a midwesterner by birth , is desperate not to lose the house . And that 's what got me thinking . I found myself agreeing with the husband . This couple had no kids , no obligations , and I thought , of course they should give up the house . Sell it or let the bank repossess it . Move on without the trappings that weigh you down . I remember as a woman in my 20s I was so anxious about finding the right man and buying a house , starting a family . Now I wonder what that urge , that need is all about . I wouldn 't give up my kids , and maybe I can say this now because I have three kids , that this couple shouldn 't sacrifice their creativity for a house and a family . Maybe I 've just moved into my mid - life crisis where I 'm ready to sell the house and travel the world . What would you advise a young couple , or even a single person in this predicament ? Do you think the young people you know feel too eager to marry and settle down ? Twenty years ago today in Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky , Earl and I were married . The day was sunny and warm , but nowhere near as warm as it is today in Ohio - - 89 humid degrees . I wonder if it 's a bad sign that we can 't find our wedding album anywhere ? I 've searched and Earl has searched . I found some snapshots that friends gave us so you can see how fresh - faced and naive we were in 1990 . My parents owned a blueberry farm in a holler in Kentucky . We were married in front of a meandering creek with the tiger lilies in bloom . On the left side of the photo is Grandad Ish , who has since died . Earl 's brother Art was the best man and the priest , Father Al , has gone on to write books about being a priest in Appalachia . Look at my face . I really love that man . I 'm amazed that he 's marrying me . After the ceremony , we stood there by the whispering creek and people moved along to congratulate us . You can 't see me in this photo , but you can see Tracey , my best friend from high school and maid of honor laughing . Twenty years ago , I had no idea how to make a marriage work . I got very lucky in a number of ways . One of those ways was my choice . I think it 's nearly impossible to make a good choice this young ( and I was 27 ! ) . I chose a man who treated others well . When a waitress dropped a tray , he 'd get up to help her . When a woman was panhandling and he turned her down , he later knocked on her car window and gave her money . He cares about other people , and that includes me . It hasn 't been 20 years of bliss . We 've had fights that lasted for weeks . We 've learned to swallow hurtful words . We 've gone through childbirth together three times ( okay , I bore the brunt of that ) and find our biggest arguments are about parenting . We 've lived in seven houses and owned four . We 've moved from Florida to Michigan to Ohio . We 've been to Europe six times and traveled throughout most of the United States . We have dreams together - - dreams of owning a bed and breakfast , dreams of moving to France , dreams of publishing novels . Most of our day - tat This spring Grace has been walking the dog of a friend who I teach with . The woman has a stress fracture in her leg and can 't walk her five - year - old golden retriever . She pays Grace to walk him five days a week . On days when Grace has to work and has swim practice , or during the craziness of graduation , I would sometimes walk him . He 's a nice dog and I didn 't think twice when she said she needed someone to watch him while she goes on vacation . ( She has a husband and an 18 - year - old son who are both home but won 't help with the dog . ) I agreed to keeping the dog here and didn 't think about it again , until I mentioned it to Earl and he said , " I don 't want a dog in the house . " That put me in quite a pickle . I felt like I had committed to keep the dog , so I told Grace we would have to brush the dog and clean up dog hair everyday to alleviate the hair situation . Grace drove his gates and bowls and foods home in the car while I walked him the mile and a half to our house . He got a bath in the backyard and quite a bit of brushing before we let him inside . Here are the clumps of hair we removed from him . He 's a good dog although he has gotten us up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom both nights . I think he sleeps in my friend 's bed , so isn 't used to being alone at night . Well , he isn 't exactly alone . He has the cats , who , as you can see , feel right at home with him . I declared Sunday nights as family nights this summer . After all , Grace is getting ready to leave for college and the boys hang out with their friends most nights of the week . I wasn 't expecting a night with the Walton family , but apparently , my expectations were a little high . We started with a family dinner of chicken and vegetables on the grill . Normally , it would have been shish kebab , but we skipped the sticks . So with a bowl of grilled chicken and a bowl overflowing with zucchini , summer squash , tomatoes , mushrooms , onions and carrots on the table , Tucker declared himself not hungry and refused to eat . He sipped on a glass of water and pondered whether he could add mint syrup to it . I vetoed that idea since he wasn 't even eating dinner . He informed me he didn 't like shish kebab . What 's not to like about chicken ? And I know he eats carrots . I didn 't argue though , just made him turn forward and get his elbows off the table . He had spent the night at a friend 's house so I wrote off his bad behavior to tiredness . His silence and refusal to eat as he sat sullenly at the table pulled a wet blanket over the beginning of family night . After dinner , we chose a game to play . Since it was father 's day , we let Earl choose poker . It wasn 't Texas hold em , but five card draw and five card stud with a few hands of black jack thrown in . I couldn 't find the poker chips , so used these colorful plastic tokens that the kids sorted when they were little . We started with 25 and I quickly lost all of mine , so we added some more . As Tucker won a few hands , his mood improved . As Grace lost every hand , she grew morose . " Why can 't we play euchre ? " she asked . She listed other card games she would be willing to play - - Egyptian ratscrew , spoons . To no avail . The poker continued . She said it didn 't bother her to lose , she just hated that it all seemed to be about the luck of the cards instead of skill . I suppose the skill is a little more subtle than in a card game like euchre . As they got into the game , the guys put on their poker faces . Sat My blog is called an accidental blog because I started it one day without intending to . Someone in my Yahoo group sent an email . I clicked on the blog related to the email and I wanted to leave a comment . I couldn 't figure out how to leave a comment without registering for a blog myself . Thus , an accidental blog was born . Today , I accidentally removed my blog and for a few frantic hours , I thought it was lost forever . When I started this blog , back in August 2006 , a gmail account wasn 't required . I began with my own personal email . This spring , I started a gmail for an alter ego account to write some racy fiction under another name . That name immediately became connected to this blog . I lived in fear of my alter ego making comments on other people 's blogs . I know , it makes you think , " How unsophisticated is she about technology ? " Pretty naive . Well , the racy fiction was rejected and I was tired of seeing the alter ego 's name at the top of my blog , so I decided to delete the Facebook page and the gmail account . When I did , my blog disappeared . When I clicked on it , the message said , " This blog has been removed . " Yikes ! All of those years of posting . All of those visitors stacked up one by one . Gone . I started searching for answers . I couldn 't get on Google accounts to ask questions because I didn 't have a google account anymore . I opened another one . Then I found the answer to reinstating the alter ego 's account , which should bring back my blog . I sent the message to the Google elves . A few hours later , they replied that they couldn 't reopen my account because I 'd started another one . I deleted the new one and sent another message . Finally , after about five crazy hours , they sent me an email telling me that I could change my password . Aaaargh ! I didn 't want to change my password . I wanted to get my blog back . I found an old email from my website designer and started constructing an email . I would give him all the details and my emails and passwords to see if he could fix it . I needed to give him my blog address . I clicked at Last year , right around this same time , in the middle of grading final exams , my computer stopped working . Guess what ? It happened again on Sunday . The screen just went black and it turned off . That evening , as Tucker was begging for more time on his XBox , I asked him to work his magic on my computer . Whenever anything in the communication world goes down , I turn to Tucker - - television , cable , DVD player , computer , iPods , phones . He 's my go - to guy . So , he unplugged everything , blew on it and plugged things back in . It worked . For about three days . Yesterday , it succumbed again to the black screen . I had deduced that the problem was either the battery or the cord , because when the computer came back on Sunday , the battery charge was very low , okay , nonexistent . So this morning , with the black screen facing me , I unplugged and replugged . I took out the battery and replaced it . I turned to Tucker . Nothing worked . I had grades to finish for the other college where I teach , so I completed those on Earl 's computer then hoisted my computer into its bag . I took it to IT department at the college . The computer geeks there suggested that - - since the cord had been kittenized - - I should probably start with a new cord . The kitten chewed on the cord when he was little . We have it wrapped in electrical tape and it has carried on for nearly a year . This evening , after some amazing swims at a swim meet , Tucker , Grace and I returned home . " Can I have more time on the XBox ? " he asked , his hair still wet and his trunks soaking through his shorts . " Fix my computer , " I ordered as I picked up a dish towel and began to dry the " clean " dishes from the dishwasher . He unpacked it from the case and 30 seconds later said , " Mom , I got it to work . " I walked in and , sure enough , the lights were glowing and the battery was charging , slowly but surely . " Can I play XBox ? " he asked again . " Have at it , " I said . Could it be that he does something to the computer so that he can fix it and gain more time on his video games ? Very possible . For now though , he 's juat My kids can be so annoying and so funny . That really hasn 't changed much since they were little . Spencer is trying to redeem himself after his run - in with the law by volunteering at a basketball camp this week . " It 's horrible , " he moans . He 's coaching the third and fourth graders . " Horrible for you or for the kids ? " I ask on the drive there this morning . " Both , " he says . Apparently the kids don 't listen and just run amok . I had advised him to be firm with them , but this apparently hasn 't helped . " Just try to make a difference for one kid , " I advise this morning as he gets out of the car . " I do , " he says . " I give them fun nicknames , like Slick Rick . " Then he loped across the field , all six - foot , three - inches of him . Making a difference , one nickname at a time . All three of my children were home last night , which is unusual . One or all of them are generally " hanging out " with their friends somewhere in our small town . But following a day of swim practices and basketball scrimmages , they were all fairly lethargic . About 11 p . m . , I heard a sound outside and thought I saw movement . I pulled aside the curtains and saw the wind was whipping through the trees . I heard a rumble of thunder and saw a flash of light . Thunderstorm . Then I remembered the convertible . " Grace , " I called to her . " Did you put the top up on the car ? " She hadn 't . " Come on , " I yelled . " Thunderstorm . " The convertible top motor has given out . It won 't put the top up or down . And , since it 's heavy , it takes two people to put the top up . We ran through the dark down the alley to the street where the car was parked . " I 'll work from the outside . You start the car , " Grace yelled above the wind , flinching as thunder boomed again . I started the car and tried the button that puts the top up . Nothing . Grace was tugging and pulling on the top . I got out of the car and grabbed the other side . We pulled up then pushed it forward before I hopped the car to finish the job . Then we sprinted to the house again , with only a small scream from Grace when the lightning flashed again . Neat Charlotte , North Carolina or Salt Lake City , Utah ? Those are my choices this fall for attending conferences . First , let 's deal with the obvious - - surprise that the college wants to send me to a conference . But , the people in charge picked me , so I , of course , said yes . It 's not like I 'm sick of hotels and airplanes because I travel so much for business . Then the director of the Writing Center said I should choose between these two conferences . Information isn 't up about the presentations and the discussions , so I 'm really left choosing based solely on the city . Everyone in my family said they would choose Charlotte . I think we are predisposed towards the east - - kind of prejudiced in its favor . Its closer - - about nine hours away by car . Salt Lake City is a couple of days away by car . But I 'm not driving to either one . I 'm flying . So why do we lean toward North Carolina ? It 's beautiful . The Appalachian Mountains , lots of old trees , forests actually , people with slow southern drawls . Earl and I honeymooned in North Carolina . Of course , just as my family is drawn to the East , some people are drawn to the West . Earl 's sister 's family goes out west every chance they get . His niece lived in Colorado for awhile . They vacation in New Mexico and Arizona whenever they can . We 've visited Salt Lake City as a family once . I think it was beautiful too in a different way , like the unending sky and a sharp mountain backdrop . In the West , the mountains don 't seem to start like rolling hills and work up to high peeks . Instead , the plains run right up to high mountains . While we were in Salt Lake City , Earl toured the Mormon temple with a friend while I herded kids . There is something a little uncomfortable about being in such a religious city . I remember that the restaurant we went to didn 't serve alcohol - - a Mormon influence . Still the prevailing religion shouldn 't dissuade me from choosing Salt Lake City . The flight from Columbus to Salt Lake would take anywhere from five to eight hours with at least one plane change . The flight to Charlat The bee balm is blooming . I 'm not sure if this flower has any special powers , but , to me , it seems like it should be an antidepressant . Who could be sad when looking at this flower ? This flower is obviously the life of the party . My friend Ruth , in Michigan , gave me some of her bee balm , and it 's thriving here in Ohio . Hers aren 't blooming yet , but mine are already mid - party . This is the kind of flower that Dr . Seuss drew in his books . This flower should have a soundtrack from the 1980s : " Celebrate good times , come on . . . . " Look at its crazy top with the " court jester " hat tendrils that stick up in the air . This flower screams summer barbecues , the coconut smell of suntan lotion , and frosty drinks of pineapple . Celebrate ! Thanks for your encouragement , Bee Balm . At 3 : 38 a . m . , I heard a voice outside my bedroom window . " Mom ? Dad ? " Spencer 's voice called from the front porch . " Everything 's okay . I just need to be let in , " he said . He was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house . I scrambled out of bed and wondered if he was sick . Maybe the boys had decided to drink alcohol or experiment with drugs , so Spencer came home . All of these thoughts flitted through my mind as I scrambled out of bed to the front door . I never suspect the worst of Spencer . I never think he 'll make the wrong choice . As I turned the key in the lock , I saw someone standing behind Spencer . Someone big and I became worried . This man , because it was obviously a man , was standing with his feet spread wide , both hands in front of him in a military " at ease " position . This was a cop . I opened the front door and the young police officer began to explain . " Why don 't you come inside ? " I suggested , aware of the short exercise shorts and tank top I 'd worn to bed and wishing I 'd had a little warning of a night time visit from the police . I could see Spencer was fine . Just in trouble . So they came into the living room and Spencer collapsed on the couch , running his hands over his face . The officer explained that he had found Spencer and a couple of other boys outside after curfew . When they spotted the boys , they ran and hid in the bushes . Then a car picked them up and they drove away . The police pulled the car over . I was picturing a high - speed pursuit through our little town . The boys said they hid because they saw the police . They claimed they weren 't doing anything wrong . " I 'm so sorry , Mom , " Spencer said from his perch on the couch . " What about telling this officer your sorry that he has to bring you home instead of doing his job ? " I asked . " I 'm so sorry , sir , " he said . Then he moans and rubs his face again . The officer said the boys aren 't being charged with anything , just curfew violation . And he warns that the school is very strict about taking away sports and extracurricular activities if the boys had been cat On our run this morning , talk turned to hair , which is strange because currently , DreamGirl has no hair . She ran without a cap , her bald head still nubbly in spots as the chemotherapy continues to work its magic . I thought I was being petty as I twisted my hair into a braid to control the frizz created by the humidity . I reminded myself even as I tucked the braid in a cap that DreamGirl will be starting from scratch when her hair starts to grow out , so I should quit complaining . I thought I might feel uncomfortable talking about hair problems with a bald woman , but I didn 't . I asked her how she could resist telling bald men that she likes their hairstyle . She just smiled . Then she told me that her daughter is having hair issues . When she brushes it , it grows huge . " Tell her not to brush it , " I urged . " She doesn 't have curly hair , " DreamGirl said . " Trust me . If her hair is getting big and frizzy , she has curly hair if you just allow the curls to emerge . " This is still a novel idea to many people , but if you have curly hair , brushing is not the way to go . I should know . For years I brushed my hair and dealt with weird bumps that I tried to smooth down . When I read the book Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey , I became a convert . I know what you 're all thinking . Isn 't this the same woman who loves to straighten her hair ? Yes , that 's me . But in this humidity , there 's no sense pretending I have straight hair . I have to let it curl and control the frizz the best I can . I start in the shower . I don 't use shampoo . I haven 't for years . Curly hair has open follicles and shampoo is bad for it . Curly hair also doesn 't get greasy . So I rub my scalp and add conditioner . I spread the conditioner from my scalp to the ends , removing all the tangles with my fingers . It 's important to remove the tangles because I don 't brush it , remember . In humidity like this , I also leave some of the conditioner in . It isn 't leave - in conditioner , but I only rinse the top of my head and leave conditioner on the ends . When I get out of the shower , I don 't wrap my heat Here it is , the final week day of finals week . That means that I 've been grading papers all week . I 've just finished grading the last essay that students turned in Sunday night . Now I can begin grading their final exams - - which are also essays . Essay grading can be truly tedious . I have a list of comments that I insert , reminding students how to use MLA format , where to put commas , etc . Still , it takes a long time . This is the farthest behind I 've ever been in finals week . By this time , I 've usually added up the grades and turned them in . Graduation this week and a visit from my parents put me behind . So when I got up at 6 this morning , I gathered my computer and my coffee cup and headed to the front porch , my portable office . And here is my view as I grade papers , looking up from my laptop : And when I look to my left , the direction where I can see the downtown skyline in the winter , here is what I see : So , although I am stuck grading papers . I can 't complain about my little house in the treetops . And , I 'd better get back to work because I am expected for a family get together in Dayton this afternoon . It took a month and a half . Nearly 45 days of contentment . Or maybe I was just too busy getting ready for graduation that I didn 't have time to think about it . This morning , I read a blog , one of the blogs I read everyday , and that feeling hit me in the gut . The blog is Tongue in Cheek and you can find a link along the right side of my blog http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / . Today , she talked about different kinds of French breads , baguettes and batards and pain de campagne . She showed wheels of goat cheese . Then she included shots of the markets - - big melons and handwritten signs with loopy French writing . That 's when the longing hit . I wanted to go to France again . After our trip at the end of April , I thought I 'd fulfilled my desire for a few years , but here it came again . Then I got an email from France Guide , announcing a new contest . I entered and watched the " lost in francelation " video about apero , that before dinner drink and snack . Oh , how I want to visit France again . I begin to plot . I could win the lotto . I could sell a novel . I could win the contest . Even a bowl of black olives hasn 't quenched that latest gnawing in my stomach . Picture me in France - again . So , you all know I was in a tizzy about getting ready for the graduation party . The theme Grace and I chose was " Let Them Eat Cake " and I had a plan for 12 different kinds of cakes . Could I have done this alone ? I 'm thinking my family would have felt the brunt of it if I 'd tried . But I didn 't have to . On Thursday night , Grace and her friend Emily took the ingredients to Emily 's house and baked a turtle cake . Turtle cake has a layer of German chocolate cake on the bottom , caramel and chocolate chips in the middle then a layer of German chocolate cake on the top . I made another one of those at our house . Then I made two Cola cakes . Ever take a cake out of the pan and put it on a serving platter ? It 's very flat looking . So I increased the recipe by half to make it look fuller . For some reason , I kept messing up on the math for that increased recipe . The cakes turned out okay , but not my best Cola cakes . I also made a carrot cake which is practically healthy enough to serve for dinner . It has carrots , coconut , pineapple , yogurt and golden raisins in it . I had been to the grocery and had all the ingredients . I was ready for baking day . Ruth drove down from Michigan on Thursday night , arriving after 11 as I waited up bleary - eyes . The next morning , Sheila came by 8 : 30 a . m . loaded down with cake pans and a mixer . Sheila created a Lemon - Lime refrigerator cake that includes lime jello and lemon pudding . On the day of the party , one niece asked whether we 'd injected the cake with Sprite . She thought it tasted amazing . Ruth started making lemon curd for her lemon cake with raspberries . I know . Who makes homemade lemon curd ? " Good lemon curd tastes like sunshine , " according to Ruth . I kind of scurried around getting ingredients and staying ahead of the dishes . I also made the icing for the Cola cakes and had Grace ice them . Grace was so sweet when she got up and saw us in the kitchen . She said something like , " You guys are the best . " The oven was full of cakes and the smells emanated as the air conditioner worked overtime to keep us at Aaaaaah . What a crazy , exciting weekend . And I 'm so pleased now that it 's all over and everything went smoothly . There are three posts I want to write : Baking Day , Party Day and Graduation Day . But first , I have to get ready for my class and get my oldest son to basketball , my husband , father and youngest son off to the golf course and my daughter out the door to work . So for now , I just want to thank everyone who helped me make it through this weekend - - and you all know who you are . To Ruth who drove 4 1 / 2 hours to help me bake cakes then drove back 4 1 / 2 hours the next day without ever tasting a cake . To Sheila who forced me to get organized and then baked . She brought pans and mixers , umbrellas and coolers , hula hoops and cake servers . To Bethany , who decorated and kept Grace calm . To my neighbor Sandy who let us empty her backyard to create a circus - like atmosphere in our backyard . To my friends who came to support me as much as Grace , especially the ones I didn 't think would show up - - like Pam and Najah . To Noreen , who came 45 minutes early when I wasn 't even home , but who brought along her husband who helped us get the DVD of Grace 's childhood running . To my best friend from high school who drove an hour and a half knowing that she wouldn 't know anyone at the party and that I wouldn 't have more than a few minutes to spend with her , but still she came to celebrate . To my mom who took pictures and cut cake and washed dishes . To my dad who sat through the party , the graduation ceremony and came out to dinner even though it meant missing the end of a golf tournament on television . To Pam W - H who stayed and cleaned up the trash and sopping wet plates from the backyard . To Tracie who took the time to ask me about my writing in the midst of the chaos , and who , when I described the latest book said , " I got chills . . . " What more inspiration do I need to keep writing ? To the Chelli who came to eat cake and to the Julas who came late but still came . And to all of you in cyberspace who don 't know me but who were sending me good thoat I went shopping for a graduation dress with Grace today . I felt a little rushed , but hopefully didn 't let Grace feel it . In my head is a running list of all the things I need to do for the graduation party . We went to Macys and found a dress that she loved , but it was a little tight . The clerk checked and found that another store , not near our house , had the dress in the size she needed . Deep breath . The clock ticks in my head . So we drove to Polaris , north of Columbus and north of the outerbelt . The dress is beautiful on her . A simple white eyelet with ribbon straps and a silky white empire waist . An inch or so of white netting peeks out from the bottom of the dress . Girls often wear white dresses because their graduation robes are white . The boys get the other school color . Grace 's school colors are blue and white , so the boys will wear blue . A bright dress underneath white robes would definitely show . As we were shopping , I tried so hard to remember my graduation dress - - for either high school or college . I couldn 't picture my dresses at all . I could remember my sister 's dress . The one that hung in the closet waiting for her because she died the night before graduation . White cotton with a capped sleeve on the shoulder , pearl buttons on the bodice and a cotton bow on the back . I told my heart to slow down and tried to push the memory of that other graduation dress from my mind . This is totally different . This is my daughter , not my sister and she will walk across that stage on Sunday in her white robe with the eyelet dress underneath and sparkly silver shoes on her feet . Eighth grade graduation seems like a fairly trumped - up excuse to make your 8th grader put on nice clothes and sit through a ceremony . Still , they did a nice job and I begrudginly trudged along to the school . I guess 8th grade is hailed as a milestone because the next stop is high school . Tucker and I fought about what he would wear . We had a nice white shirt with a very pale blue plaid in it that fit him well . No . He wanted a solid blue shirt . We had none of those and I refused to go buy one for the single night of use . I 'm already hemorrhaging money for Grace 's graduation and subsequent journey to college . Plus , Tucker 's class leaves today for Washington DC , which is another expense . ( I had regrets as I lay in bed last night and decided I should have sprung for the new shirt . ) Tucker refused to wear a tie and then balked at the dress shoes and went for tennis shoes . I let him choose . Most everyone was dressed up . The girl in the front row on the left in the white dress is Tucker 's girlfriend . They break up sometimes , but always end up getting back together . Some of the girls looked much older than the boys . This was enhanced by towering heels and sometimes risque clothing . Tucker was recognized for being a finalist in the Geography Bee , winning the President 's Physical Fitness Award and Merit Roll . Everyone got an 8th grade diploma . Afterwards , he handed me his envelope with the awards and was anxious to see me leave . The dance was starting ! I made him pose for one picture with a friend before I left him to it . And , as bad as I felt later that he wasn 't in a shirt that fit and looked nice , I knew that he 'd made more effort than many of the parents . Here was a guy sitting a few rows in front of me . His shirt says " Do it Hoggy Style . " This is a play on words that has sexual connotations and also advertises a restaurant . Now why didn 't I think to wear something like that to 8th grade graduation ? Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
In the early 80 's I was in the Navy and assigned to " Coastal River Squadron 1 " in Coronado , California . When I first arrived there , they had several of the old PT Boats made famous by John F . Kennedy . The squadron had also been receiving a new Patrol Boat ( PB ) that was 10 ' shorter than the PTs , and invisible to radar . Like today 's stealth fighters , these boats were unpainted and were constructed with lots odd angles . I usually worked on shore in one of the offices but on one occasion , My Commander invited me to become part of the crew of one of these PB 's . The mission was not very exciting , but it was a nice change of pace . We were to sail up the coast to Santa Barbara and show off the boats during a community open house . We left late at night . There is probably nothing darker than being at sea on a moonless night . The boat 's light illuminated the top of the deck and the ocean mist as it flew up on both sides of the bow . Everything else was black . There were only six of us on board and since this was my first voyage on a PB ; I was pretty excited and interested in everything . Chief Wryly was the boat 's captain and he allowed me to sit at the radar screen and call out the coordinates of craft in the area . It had been a couple of years since I had been in boot camp and at first ; I was struggling to call off the right numbers . It can get very spooky out there and I started feeling a bit nervous when I saw the coastline on the radar at about 200 miles out . That 's a long way to swim in the cold dark ocean . Then I saw something on the radar screen . An oblong blip was coming up fast directly behind us . I advised the Chief and he reacted with little if any real concern . The blip continued to close on us and I started looking to the rear of the boat for visual confirmation . There was none . Then the blip simply disappeared . " Probably birds " muttered the Chief . Birds ? At night ? " Could be fish too . " OK . About a half hour later , it appeared again , this time coming from the side at about a 45 - degree angle . It was fast what ever it Reactions : No comments : This is a true story . I met a former zombie in 1974 . Location : Bremerhaven , Germany . When I was working undercover narcotics with CID ( Criminal Investigation Division ) - DST ( Drug Suppression Team ) , I was dating a lovely blonde Fraulein in Germany by the name of Gabriela . I met Gabriela at a discotheque in which I was staking out . I learned that Gabriela was once a former zombie . You might find this to be an odd story , or a story that is unbelievable . But , what I will tell you is the truth . Gabriela and I dated for some time , when we became intimate , I noticed a large circular hole on the right side of her buttocks . It was as if someone took a spoon and dug out a hunk of her flesh . I asked her how this hole was created . Her story was horrifying . This is where I learned she was a former zombie . . . . a former sexual servant zombie . She told me that she was vacationing with her girlfriend in Munich and they befriended two Middle Eastern boys . They decided to go out dancing with these boys . It was a fun night of disco music , throbbing lights and drinking . At some point of time , they both blacked out and when they both awoke , they were in a strange bedroom with strange men looking at them . Since this story was told to me many years ago , details of certain events that Gabriela relates to me escapes me . What I will let you know is that during their stay at this strange place , they discovered they were in the Middle East . Every day and every night they were given hallucinogenics . Strange men were having sexual liaisons with both of them and there was nothing they could do to stop it . At some point in time , Gabriela tried to escape and that is when a chunk of her flesh was cut out . During this one incident , is the only time she felt like she was somewhat in control of her mind . Otherwise , during her full stay there , she had no will of her own . She felt like her mind was under the constant control of her captives . She gave herself willingly to the strange men that visited her bedside . She tells me that she was a zombie . From what she tells me , I would say she would fall into the category of being in a ' zombie state ' . It would appear that her captives controlled her mind and her body . She was truly a zombie slave . She was given drugs to make her a willing participant during her enslavement . Gabriela tells me that it was her father , a former Nazi that was able to hire a small mercenary team to rescue her and bring her back home safely . Would you consider Gabriela a true zombie ? If you want my opinion , I would have to say ' yes ' . I hope everyone 's doing good . . . but I just feel I have to start telling about my experiences with the supernatural , There are only few people that I have ever told about it because they are the only people who understand what 's going on . I 'm only going to tell one thing that has happen recently for now because I have a lot that I could tell and you don 't wanna read all that . Well everything started when I was 13 , I am 19 now . I started having dreams that seemed to turn into reality , or sleep paralysis . Now they say in scientific BS that sleep paralysis comes from lack of sleep but I disagree strongly because somehow the demons that attack me can actually hurt me if they are trying to do more than choke me . Three nights ago ( from me writing this ) I was sleep in my dorms and I felt this presence enter my room suddenly and it was standing at the end of my bed . So I learned to deal with that problem . I turned over on my stomach because they usually attack you when you are sleeping on your back . But this demon was different , it did something completely new . Instead on leaving after a while it immediately crawled onto my bed and put its knee in my back . It was such a sharp pain I stopped breathing for about 10 seconds . It grabbed my forehead and leaned me back and whispered in my ear and excuse my ' French ' said , " your ass is mine . . . God cannot save you now " . At that moment I could not focus because I was in such pain and all kinds of thoughts went through my head , I couldn 't even think to pray and get this demon off me . But somewhere through all of that the Lord gave a sign in all my thoughts that he was there . I immediately began to pray to him . The demon was angered by me calling god in to stop him . . . so before the demon departed it screamed in my ear and said , " I will because back for you soon so don 't worry " then it hopped off me and went away . I now have gotten a kanji symbol tattoo on my arm which stands for " faith in god " with angel wings attached because he has saved me and looked after me no matter what I was goinReactions : No comments : It all started a long time ago , about 30 years ago . A man by the name of Mike Hoppens was sent to death row for the murder of his wife , Bettie . According to Mike , his wife caught him cheating on her with her best friend Kelly and threatened to divorce him . Mike , in fear that he would loose everything he has ever worked for , grabbed her by the throat and started choking her . She then got a hold of an ash tray and shattered it on his head . Needless to say , he let her go and she ran for the front door . But before she could get out she tripped over the coffee table and Mike caught up with her . Mike pulled out a knife , jumped on top of her , and started stabbing her until she died . He then began to cut out all her teeth , peeled off all the skin from her face , and cut up her body in pieces . He then placed the body parts in small garbage bags and then placed the small bags into a large garbage bag . After cleaning the old house up , he then put the large garbage bag in the back of his pick up truck and drove off . He drove to an old well and dropped the head in it , then he went to a field and burnt the rest of the body . Everything went fine for awhile , that is until an old man was hired to plow the field asked about the burned spot . The owners went to investigate . What they found was more than just a spot for the teenagers to start a bonfire . The old man went to the well and dropped the bucket , and pulled it up for a drink . When the bucket got to the top , the jaw bone was found . The police ID 'd the body and Mike was the number 1 suspect . When he was questioned , he confessed and was arrested . In court Mike was found guilty and was placed on death row . One year later Mike was found dead in his cell , scratched in to ribbons . The inmates swore he was screaming , crying and begging , " No ! , No ! please Bettie ! Please ! " Mike pleaded until finally there was silence . One inmate said he thought he was dreaming , but he thought he saw a woman in a white dress and covered in blood floating by his cell on her way to Mike 's cell . And the house yReactions : No comments : Once there was a boy , not a very tall boy but a boy with shaggy blond hair . He had deep blue eyes and very long fingernails that looked like they hadn 't been cut in a long time . The kids on the street thought it was just a myth about what had happened to the little boy with very bad fingernails , but when the police came all they found were nail marks on the floor . All of the kids knew now that little Tommy wasn 't lying about what he said he saw . Now it was to late to save him . This is the story of Tales of the black demon . The story begins when the boy across the street named Tommy . We thought it was a joke he was playing on us . He had told us he was staring into the eyes of a black demon before he had gone to bed . When he told us we laughed , not knowing in a few hours we would see Tommy was telling us the truth . Tommy described the demon to be wearing all black . He told us he couldn 't see his face , nor his hands . He said it didn 't have a beard so he assumed he was about his age . Little Tommy was brushing his teeth when his mom called to say goodnight . He spit in the sink , washed his hands , said his prayers , and went to bed . When his mom came in and kissed him goodnight that 's when the guest arrived . By now we told him to stop but he completely engorged us and went on . He had heard his closet door open and close by itself . He looked up ; there was no one there , so he laid his head back down . Then he felt someone kick the mattress from under the bed . He quickly looked down under the bed , there was no one ? He began to worry that someone was in his room , he tried not to worry about it too much but he kept hearing those noises all night long . Finally he looked so fast he saw the thing that was making the noise . It was the demon he described earlier to us . So we said if this is true why don 't we have a séance tonight and mess with the demon . So we spent the night over at little Tommy 's house to see this demon and welcome him to a new kind of hell . Late at night we all voted Tommy to be the séance person to call the demon iReactions : 2 comments : I was walking home on an August night about 7 years ago . I was 11 at the time and I was interested in the supernatural . I was about to turn at the corner of my block but I stopped . I had no idea why , but I was propelled to go a different way . So I started walking in a completely random direction in utter darkness . A pair of headlights suddenly lit up in my direction . I couldn 't move my legs to get out of the way . For some reason I did not even want to get out of the way and my legs felt like lead . As the car neared I started to feel my blood pumping in my veins . I wasn 't scared . Then for about 7 seconds , I was lifted into the air , out of the car 's way . I caught a glimpse of the driver . It was a dark figure with bloodshot expressionless eyes . I still was not scared . Just confused . After a minute or so I finally got my sanity back and started screaming . They came muffled out of my throat . I looked myself over to see if I was alive and okay . There was a hand on my arm but I couldn 't feel it . I looked up at the owner of the hand and I screamed in terror . It was a vampire . He looked almost transparent . His fangs stuck out like walrus tusks . His pale skin was barely visible . He lurched towards my neck and I instantly felt burning pains in my thighs . I passed out . When I woke up I was lying in the middle of the road . When I got home my parents were hysterical . ' Where have you been ? ' ' Are you alright ? ' ' Did someone hurt you ? ' Why is there blood all over you ? ' When I heard my mom say blood I rushed to my bathroom . I examined my neck and sure enough there were two fang marks . My dad came in and asked some more pointless questions . I tried to tell him about the ghost , but he only asked more questions . He barely listened . The next day I school on my way to class I saw him again . I opened my locker and his face appeared in the mirror . I turned around but of course no one was there but fellow classmates . I almost remember a smirk on his face . I never saw him again after that but I think about it often . By Bridgett , Copyright 2009 WilReactions : No comments : You know mannequins . . . those things that stand still like statues and advertise a specific clothing or thing . . . yeah of course you do ! But there are things about mannequins that you should never forget . My name is Samantha and I am the president of Paranormal Literature Organization , and this is my story : One day I was in RFC mall ( only found in my country ) when I saw this cute top and shorty shorts on this mannequin . . . it looked good on the mannequin but the only problem is that the mannequin was bald . All the mannequins were bald . I called my mom and chuckled " hey mom look , bald children ! Bald ! " I was now laughing hard and kept teasing the mannequin . " Hey kid , " I said to it " you mind if I borrow your beachball ? Or better yet may I borrow your head ? It 's like a beachball anyway ! It 's so smooth and bald ! " I kept laughing and teasing the mannequin . and when it was time to go home I said to the mannequin " Bye kid ! Enjoy your bald life ! Next time I go here , I want to see hair ! Not a beachball for a head " I laughed and followed my mom out and to home . You gotta admit , I was pretty rude and mean . If the mannequin was a real bald girl , It would have cried and yelled . I was a mean girl . But I just can 't help it . . . that time . . . . it looked really funny . That night I was about to sleep when I saw a strange smoky figure out my window . I just ignored it and the next morning , I heard the news that someone robbed the mall and one of the mannequins were gone ! Wow ! I went there and saw that the mannequin that was stolen was the one I was teasing the other day . And I saw a girl , a REALLY PRETTY GIRL . With silky hair and hazelnut eyes . Her skin was pale , but in a good way cause it suited her . She was like a doll . She reminded me of someone or something , I just can 't place what or who . She wore this cute new yellow top with frilly sleeves and pants with gem designs . My gosh was she pretty . She asked me the most peculiar question " Do you like my hair ? " but I had to answer her " yes ! it 's pretty ! It really is ! " then I went to the other aisle Reactions : 3 comments : I am a teacher . . well , I WAS . . at the age of 23 . I had a group of 10 / 11 year olds in a classroom . It was thundering outside and the rain was very violent as it was bashing furiously on the windows . I couldn 't really teach Math to the kids so we just had free time . I asked them what they wanted to do and they said . . . ' Ghost stories , ghost stories ' . . and I was like . . mm . . okay . So , I told them a little scary / funny story about a ghost and they all laughed and had fun listening to me . Then , I thought maybe I should tell them a TRUE FACT about Demons . I knew that it wasn 't a right thing to tell to the kids . . but oh well . Here was the fact . You know that Demons / Jins CAN ' T BEND their THUMBS like us humans ? It is a true fact . All the kids found the fact very funny and they started to bend their thumbs and laugh about it . I also found it hilarious . But , there was one kid , sitting by himself , looking worried . He had his arms out and his thumbs were literally not bending . He cried out ' I can 't bend my thumbs , I can 't bend them ! The rest of the children were laughing and pointed at him and shouting ' you 're a DEMON , YOU ' RE A DEMON ' . I personally got scared and frightened . I went towards the kid and asked him if he could bend his thumbs . I thought maybe he was joking around and playing BUT he replied ' NO . . I can 't bend my thumbs ' . I was really really scared this time and yes I like . . . NEARLY pooped my pants . Although the kids were laughing and found it funny ; however I was SCARED . I said to the kid ' come on , you can bend your thumbs , right ? Come on you can do it . ' He couldn 't and replied ' No , no I can 't bend my thumbs ' while he told me that , he was crying and said ' Miss , I don 't want to be the bad demon , please I don 't want to be a demon ' . He had tears in his eyes . . . and yes he was really frightened . I felt really worried . . . so I quickly asked the children to come out of the room and go somewhere else AWAY from the kid . I know that was rude but I was really scared . . seriously . . I can 't really explain my feelings . . . but it was really scary . I grabbed all the children and rushed them towards the exit door . I turned back and saw the kid still having his arms out and trying to bend his thumbs while crying and shouting ' I don 't want to be a DEMON , miss . . . please don 't leave me . . please ' I didn 't know what to do . . but I was too scared . . what could I do ? . . and I had to get the kids out of the room . Suddenly the kid shouted my name ' Jenna , Jenna ' - the voice which I never heard of . . a voice of an older man coming out of a young child . Even though I am a teacher but I got frightened of my own student . I tried to open the door BUT it wasn 't opening . He was walking towards me . . with his eyes fixed on me . He was saying ' Why Jenna . . why ? ' and I didn 't know what to say . . I had to keep the kids protected . . also myself . . . . He THEN said . . ' did you know . . I am a demon ? ' . . . he laughed really loudly . . . really , loudly . People who are reading this please believe me . . I am telling the truth . . I am really scared about what happened . . while I am writing this I am petrified . . I can still hear those scary laughs of the kid . Back to the story . . I didn 't know what to do . . I was crying / screamig and holding on to the children . The kid who couldn 't stop laughing and mentioning my name asked me a question . He asked ' do you want to see something beautiful / pretty , miss ? ' I couldn 't say anything . . my voice wasn 't coming out of my mouth . Without replying anything . . his face turned really old and wrinkly . . HONESTLY ! oh my god ! ! I can still remember it . I finally asked him to leave us alone and get us out of the room ! He said ' okay ' , BUT . . he said . . ' if I let you all get out of this room . . then what will I get ? I want YOU , Jenna . . I want YOU ' . The kids were crying and couldn 't stop clinging on to me . . they wanted to get out and so did I . The only way to get out was to accept his proposal and now I am HIS lady . I guess I shouldn 't of had told the kids the ghost stories . . and now this is my punishment . . being HIS now . What does this kid want for me ? Is he even a kid ? I have him with me all the time when I am alone . I am writing this . . he is next to me . He wants me to share my worse time with everyone . I guess . . I was the chosen one for him . This is this story of how I became the Wereleno . It all started when me and my buddies were on a camping trip . It was no ordinary camping trip though , we were going to explore the forest to collect leaves and other things . I had felt pretty good pretty much for the morning and afternoon - but as soon it was getting close to evening and something strange started to happen . That evening , I had somehow developed superhuman powers and a craving for Doritos , which could only lead to one thing - I was going to turn into a Wereleno tonight . I kept becoming more and more Jay Leno - like each time even speaking like him - it was so weird . That night after dinner I called out to the other guys . . . " I 'm going to go over to the forest and collect leaves , you stay here " and went off into the forest , it certainly was a most beautiful night in the forest , the sky was clear , the stars were shining and the full moon was shining bright . I decided to relax and have a lay down , then the light of the moon shone ever so brightly on me and that 's when I turned from human to Wereleno . . . . . My ears turned pointed , my canine teeth became cute fangs , my nose turned black , my eyes glow orangeish and my eyebrows went bushy . Soft blackish fur with silver markings began to sprout on the palms of my hands and all over me , my fingernails and toenails became black clawed ones , my hair turned blackish and grew into a long mane , my facial features slowly transformed into those of talk show host / comic Jay Leno including my chin which elongated and stretched and finally turned into his . . . . " Oh no ! I 'm turning into a . . . . a . . . . a Wereleno ! " I cried as my voice became that of Jay Leno 's , I grew 5 ft 11 in height and my body grew into a much larger Jay Leno - like body thus causing my favourite shirt to burst at the seams . I looked at my reflection in the river - I had become a large , jovial , furry Wereleno . " Holy cow ! I look and sound just like Jay Leno . I must be dreaming . Wait a minute ! I 'm not dreaming , I really have become a Wereleno ! " I exclaimed . I then spent severReactions : 2 comments : For years I have delighted in hearing and reading your kinds stories . What I do not like is why you ponder over things that can be explained in one simple term , technology . Not manifestations of beings from another world or whatever your spiritual guides or guardians have supposed to have told you . What I mean is think about our polluted world we live in . We breath it , drink it , eat it , and make things we use with these toxic chemicals in them . We have done this for years and lets not for get all the under ground radioactive bomb containers . Are still wondering why mutants run loose in the woods and create disasters ? Or why certain people see and feel things others may not ? Come on people get it together for Gods sake already ! Lets think logically not supernaturally , just for once . Did you ever think about this in depth or did you just think of it as paranormal ? How many Nuclear Power plants do we have around the world ? This is not counting the numerous chemical plants of all kinds . Then once the land is full of buildings and trash where do you think we start dumping the rest of it . Into the depths of your bodies of water as if the ground wasn 't bad enough . People , people , people are the ones to blame , not some higher power . God isn 't picking on us , we are doing to ourselves . We drink the water eventually and eat the seafood . Mmmmmmmmm , all that recycled toxins huh ! ? Then you wonder why years later a mutant animal or creature is spotted somewhere or why you are a transmitter to ghosts or spirits rather ? I would quicker to point the finger at the dammed human race than from beyond . You say it is caused by energy well not kidding . Look at all the radio towers , cell phone towers , hell do you know what 's really in them satellites in space ? Yeah they say information waves that are so advanced they go from way up there into the layered atmosphere into a receiver and produces an image ! Has a bell went off in your heads yet because if it ain 't I still have more ! Mutants are something normal that has had its genetic make up Reactions : 3 comments : This story has nothing to do with ghosts so if it 's that kind of story you are looking for then you are gravely mistaken . The names in this story have been changed so that some stuff I have stated would not be able to get us in trouble . My story starts out like this I live in a city in Northern Virginia , at the time I was a senior in high - school . I don 't remember exactly what day it was but I do remember it was before Christmas and very cold outside . It was me James , My younger brother Sam , and my friends Carlos , Levi , Collin . We had just gotten a ride down to the bowling alley ( about a 5 minute drive ) so we could meet up with Collins girlfriend and some of her friends . We arrived about an hour early just because my mom couldn 't give us a ride any earlier so we agreed to take it as opposed to walking that way . the time was about 7pm and it was dark outside , since we got there an hour early we decided to walk to Carlos 's girlfriend Nyra 's house since she lived close by and that he had to console her as much as he could being because her little boy cousin had died that day from health related causes . On the way there we had to walk a wide open path on tope of a hill bordering a small lake . We weren 't really scared of anything just because we were 5 pretty big adult males and me and Carlos both had pocket knives on us . While we were walking my brother Sam , Levi , and Collin all decided to smoke some weed that Collin had on him . I know what your saying how could I an older brother let my younger brother smoke , well what you don 't understand is that my brother can make his own decisions and I had long stopped acting like the strict older brother . So me and Carlos were waling about 20 feet in front of them because we both aren 't smokers . So we were talking on our own when we both just decided to look up at the somewhat close to full moon . We looked up and say a cloud apart from other clouds , and this day wasn 't very cloudy so we could tell them apart . The shape of the cloud seemed to resemble a manly face with a long beard . Reactions : 3 comments : When I was between the ages of 8 - 10 in the late 1980s my mom and my cousin 's mom would work the graveyard shift at the nursing home , so either I would stay at their house or he would stay with me . It was the beginning of the summer so we would stay up late . My cousin is a month older than me . You go into the house and you 're in the living room , go straight back to his mom 's room , or to the right to the kitchen . Through the kitchen towards the back on the left is the stairs going up to his bedroom . In his bedroom is a window on the front of the house , so you can see up and down the street , because of all the streetlights . We were at his house and one night me him and his mom were watching the 6 o ' clock news and there was something about a UFO crash . Later on his mom left for work . We watched TV and played outside for a while , and played games , then realized it was almost 11 : 30 pm . We were upstairs fixing to go to bed , and heard the doorbell ring . We looked at each other and thought who would be here at this time of night . We looked out the window and saw a man in a black suit with a rounded hat , kind of hat like a state trooper or drill Sgt wears . We turned and looked at one another , and thought no way am I going down there to see what he wants , then looked back out and he was gone , no where in sight , not anywhere on the street . Then we saw a round object flying through the sky with bent rectangle looking white lights rotating around . After a few minutes of talking about it , we heard footsteps coming up the stairs . We were really freaked out now , then my cousin ran over and locked the door . We stayed up all night , and when his mom got home we told her about the events , and she said it was from our over active imagination . I never stayed at his house after that . I 've had lots of other strange phenomena stuff happen to me as well . Given to me by Joe , Copyright 2009 D Slone I was 19 when my demon first raped me . I was traveling with a show , and I lived in a tent . The first night that it came to me , I thought tha . . . My cousin had brought a Furby a couple of years ago . At first it was an ordinary doll with a bunch of motion sensors . We used to put our fin . . . I am a twelve year old girl who uses the nickname X - ra , and I can summon things from other worlds . Some people can do this , some can not . M . . . I am a teacher . . well , I WAS . . at the age of 23 . I had a group of 10 / 11 year olds in a classroom . It was thundering outside and the rain was . . . |
Life seldom provides for second chances . And though a shortsighted mankind may cry to the heavens about the ultimate unfairness of it all , perhaps we mere mortals are better off with only one shot at the brass ring . For when faced with the opportunity to relive a momentous event in our lives , which one of us would be able to resist the urge to tamper with fate . . . to try to set right what we , in our self - centered judgment , have decreed was not the way it was supposed to happen . The paramedics of Squad 51 are about to learn this valuable lesson . They will shortly be shown that in the game of life the house holds all the cards , and there are no re - deals in The Twilight Zone . Dog Days Gone By The little girl walked down the middle of the dirt road , her eight - month old puppy trotting alongside her . The two were enjoying small - town life , where houses were sparse and small grassy fields were plentiful . " C ' mon , Teddy ! " she called as she walked toward one of the open spaces . The little tan - colored pup followed . As the girl stepped into the grass , she spotted a stick resting loosely near her feet . She picked it up and tossed it into the road . " Go get it , boy ! " Teddy quickly turned around and raced to retrieve the item . With his first attempt , he dropped it . But his second was successful and the little dog returned it to his owner . The girl once again threw the stick with all her might and watched as her furry friend chased after it . But this time , she found herself screaming as a truck came around a nearby corner . The vehicle stopped just beyond the spot where Teddy had been . The driver climbed out and hurried back to where the little girl stood sobbing at her lost pet , the image of its damaged body etched forever in her mind . Beth Naler woke with a start . Her heart was beating rapidly , her body wet with sweat and trembling . She 'd had the dream again . . . relived the same horror over and over in her mind . Now the sound of loud barking invaded her peaceful home , like so many other nights . The twenty - two year old brunette got out of her bed and put on her robe , tying the belt around her waist to hold it closed . She gently lifted the alarm clock on the night stand and checked the time . " One o ' clock in the morning ? " She groaned . There 'd be no getting back to sleep and she knew it . But something would have to be done about the noise . With a sigh , she set the clock down and headed for the doorway . She then made her way down a short hallway to the kitchen . Opening the back door that led to a yard , the woman stepped outside and looked around , a flashlight in her hands . Though she had an outside light that would have illuminated the yard much better , Beth didn 't want to risk disturbing her neighbors , so she opted to shine the small beacon of light in search of him . She could hear the sound of the dog panting , then more barking . She stepped off her porch and slowly walked through the grassy yard . Gone were the narrow dirt paths the stocky brown dog had worn on the ground . Grass now grew on the edges , covering the paths as it got taller and leaned over from weight . As Beth continued forward , she could feel the plush green ground between her toes . I should 've never gotten another dog , she thought . " Riley ? " She hesitantly asked . The growl got closer and Beth found herself taking a few steps back . " I . . . I 'm sorry . I 'm so sorry ! Just . . . just go away ! Please ! " She started to turn to run , when she felt the sharp pain of teeth going into her left calf . Crying , she shook the dog off and ran toward the house . Beth got into the kitchen and closed the door behind her . Resting her hands on the counter near the sink , she leaned over and tried to calm herself down . After several minutes Beth filled a bowl with water and opened the back door . She quickly set the bowl on the porch , her trembling hand spilling some of the water in the process . With the door shut again , the woman grabbed a towel to place over the wound on her bleeding leg . " Why can 't you just leave me alone ? " She cried . He shook his head . " Same as any other . That crazy broad was out there yelling again . " He climbed into bed and pulled up the covers . " Next time she disturbs our sleep like this , I 'm callin ' the cops . " ~ * ~ * ~ The air outside was chilly and the crew of Station 51 's A - Shift was settling into their beds for what they hoped would be an uneventful remainder of the night . So far the current shift had been busy with numerous responses all day and into the late hours for paramedics John Gage and Roy DeSoto ; the engine crew had just recently returned after spending three hours at a major structure fire . That after also having been along on some of the calls with the squad . Johnny placed his left forearm across his eyes , a sleeping habit he 'd gotten as a child that he was unable to break . His partner got into the bed across from Gage 's and pulled the covers over his shoulders in the darkened room . Suddenly the lights came on as the klaxons sounded . All six men were already sitting up and starting to pull up their bunker pants when dispatch gave the assignment . " Squad 51 , woman bitten by dog , 2130 West Farrell Street , two one three zero West Farrell Street , time out 1 : 24 . " " Maybe this 'll be the last one for the night . " Roy picked up the mic at the podium and acknowledged the call . After writing down the information , he quickly put on his long - sleeved blue jacket and joined his partner in the cab of the squad . Johnny had just finished putting on his jacket as well when DeSoto handed him the slip of paper with the call information on it . " Maybe it 'll be an easy one . Dog bites don 't usually involve that much . " " Usually . . . that 's the keyword . " Roy took another quick glance at the younger man , then shook his head . " Pessimism . That 's your problem tonight . You let the day get the best of you and now you 're too pessimistic . " Beth heard the sound of sirens approaching and , assuming it was the paramedics she 'd requested , headed for the livingroom . The towel she 'd held on the bite wound was balled up in her left hand . Opening the front door , she saw the red flashing lights atop a truck coming down the street . The woman didn 't turn on the porch light , but rather let the glow from the street lights along the sidewalk illuminate her walkway and porch . When the red truck with the 51 on its side came to a stop , the two occupants climbed out . Beth stepped outside to greet them . " That was fast . " The darker haired man looked over his shoulder as he pulled an orange box out of a compartment . He did a double take , then eyed his partner as if he wanted to say something . But neither man said anything until they approached her . The other paramedic broke the silence . As they walked through the livingroom , they saw the two holes in her calf and blood slowly trickling down from them . " Do you know whose dog it was ? " " Yes , it was mine . " " I guess so . Where is he ? Is he inside ? " The tone changed to one of uneasiness as he looked around . " No . . . no , he 's outside . In the back yard . " " Well , you can count yourself lucky in a sense , " Roy put in . " Since he 's yours , you can verify that he 's up on his shots and save yourself from some painful rabies shots . " A lack of a response had him wondering , " He is , isn 't he ? " " Yes . " At least he was . . . when . . . Beth felt her heart rate quicken . The lighter - haired man squatted down to examine her leg . " It looks like he got you pretty good . . . uh . . . " She looked at Johnny and nodded . He gave a slight smile as he knelt down to open and set up the biophone , but as soon as his face was out of her view the smile faded . " Rampart , this is Squad 51 . " As with any dog bite incident , a police officer was sent out to the address where the victim was located . A young man in uniform entered the house after ringing the doorbell and Johnny escorting him to Beth . As Roy wrapped her wound in gauze , Officer Danny Mitchell asked the woman questions regarding the breed , color and size of the animal . In the meantime , the senior paramedic glanced at his partner . Gage was being very tight - lipped during their time on the scene , only speaking when he had to . Though it wasn 't as if they were on a social call , he was used to the Johnny being more out - spoken , especially in the company of a young lady . Roy fastened the bandage in place and listened as the worst case scenario was given to Beth by Mitchell . " If I find the dog on the premises , I 'll have to have animal control respond to the scene and take him in to be held for awhile . If he proves to be a continued possible threat , he may have to be destroyed . " She nodded . If you can accomplish that , go for it . . . " Okay , " came the verbal response . Johnny and Roy looked at one another before the latter explained the situation to their patient , hoping to sound reassuring . " Even though it was your own dog that bit you and we know he 's healthy , we 're gonna take you in to Rampart General . The bite 's serious enough to require a doctor look at it now , rather than waiting for your own physician to . Plus your blood pressure 's a little high . Mostly it 's precautionary . " " Sure . " Without fully communicating , the men knew exactly what the other was doing . Roy wanted Gage to meet the ambulance attendants while he tended to the victim . Johnny was already on his way out . The paramedics helped Beth onto the stretcher , and Roy followed alongside with an IV held in his right hand . When they got outside , he helped to lift the stretcher into the ambulance . He then climbed up inside . Johnny started to close the doors when Danny Mitchell approached the vehicle . The officer gave a quick look to Johnny , then addressed Beth . " I searched around the back yard . I don 't see a dog anywhere . I 'm gonna have to call animal control and have them patrol the neighborhood for him . " Johnny shrugged when Mitchell gave him a puzzled look . The dark - haired paramedic then closed the doors . He gave them two customary slaps and watched a moment as the vehicle drove away . " I hope that dog doesn 't bite anyone else , " the officer said . " We can hope . " The paramedic stood still while Mitchell walked to his squad car and picked up the mic to radio in . After one last glance at Beth 's house , Johnny took two steps toward the squad when he heard a noise like water being lapped up by an animal . He followed the sound , trotting around the side of the house to a section of fence that was a few feet away from the back porch . He could barely make out the partial image of a large bowl in the darkness . Still listening to the lapping noise , he startled when Mitchell came up from behind and stood beside him . " You got something ? " Johnny lifted his hand to point to the bowl on the porch , but stopped . Doesn 't * he * hear the sound ? Am I imagining it ? He looked again at the outline of the object in the dark . There was no hint of a dog or any other kind of animal even near it . The man who 'd looked out his bedroom window earlier remained on his front porch until Johnny and Danny Mitchell went to their respective vehicles after being around the other side of the house . Edward watched as they pulled away , then shook his head and turned to go inside . Fools . Lord knows what that crazy broad had them looking for . At Rampart , Johnny backed the squad into a parking spot beside an ambulance and climbed out , trotting over to the emergency entrance . Once inside he scanned the corridor for his partner . He spotted him coming out of the nurses ' lounge and heading for the base station . The younger man hurried over to meet up with his co - worker . " Have you seen Johnny ? " Roy asked Betty , who was on duty as head nurse . The woman shook her head ' no ' as she looked around . Seeing the man in question approaching , she nodded in his direction . " Here he comes now . " " I . . . uh . . . " He 's never gonna believe what I saw . . . or * didn 't * see . . . I 'm not sure * I * believe it . The dark - haired paramedic came out of his thoughts and noticed both his partner and Betty were eyeing him expectantly . " I stayed back to help the police officer look for the dog . We . . . or I . . . uh . . . thought I heard something . " Johnny shook his head ' no ' . " He must 've run off after he bit the girl . " He then brought his attention to Roy . " How 's she doin ' ? " When the paramedics were seated in their squad , Roy started the engine and drove out of the lot . Once on the street , he glanced at his partner . " So what was going on with you at Beth 's house ? " " Huh ? " The younger man turned his head from the window . " I asked what was going on with you at Beth 's house . You seemed kind of closed off from the rest of us . It 's not like you to act that way on a rescue . " " I don ' know , Roy . She just looked so familiar . I swear I know her from somewhere , but I can 't place where from . " " Yeah . . . maybe . " He thought back to the bowl on the porch and the sound of an animal drinking . Between that and the familiar face of the girl , he wasn 't sure he could stop thinking about her . Gage glanced at Roy . He didn 't dare mention the other . His partner thought he was often a nut as it was . No need to add any reinforcement . Forty minutes later , Johnny was still awake . He could tell by Roy 's breathing that he had fallen asleep . And the rest of the crew was as well . But just as he 'd figured , the dark - haired paramedic couldn 't get the bowl of liquid and Beth off his mind . Man , this is gonna drive me crazy ! How come I couldn 't see anything drinking out of that bowl and where do I know Beth from ? Later in the morning , when the crew of A - shift got off duty , the two paramedics were in the locker room ; each was more than ready to go home . Roy was looking forward to spending the day with his wife and kids , and helping the youngsters pick out Halloween costumes at a local discount store . Johnny was still anxious to put his own mind at ease . " So what 're you doing today ? " Roy wondered . Not wanting to give it away that he was still bugged , the younger man shrugged . " I 'm not sure . Probably just kick back . " DeSoto closed his locker as Mike Stoker came into the room . He glanced at the engineer and then started for the door . " Well , what ever you do , have fun . " Both Johnny and Mike watched as the door closed behind Roy . Having changed into civilian clothes , the dark - haired paramedic closed his locker as well and started for the door . " I guess I 'd better get going . " The paramedic looked at Mike a moment , wondering if he should say anything about the bowl on the porch . If he was going to tell anyone , the engineer would be the one . But he couldn 't bring himself to do it . " I 'm just tired , Mike . " There . . . it 's not exactly a lie . . . Beth Naler opened the front door to her house and turned to wave to the friend who had dropped her off . " You sure you don 't want me to stay ? " the driver called out . " Yes ! Don 't worry , I 'll be okay ! " The friend nodded and Beth watched as the car drove away . She felt a twinge of guilt having lied to the gal , but she had no choice other than to say it was someone else 's dog that had bit her . After all , in reality she no longer owned one . Johnny arrived home within record time . The traffic was sparse and he 'd hit all the lights just right . Climbing out of his Land Rover , he glanced at his watch . Only twenty after eight . . . I don 't even know if she 'd be home yet . . . I 'll just get cleaned up and head over that way later . As he entered his apartment , he gave an involuntary shudder . Johnny had no idea why . Shrugging it off , the paramedic headed for the bathroom to take a shower . " Riley ? " Beth called out with trepidation as she opened the back door . She looked down at the empty bowl that she 'd filled with water the night before . " You have to go ! " She called out , her eyes now scanning the yard . " You don 't belong here anymore ! " There was no sound in return . " I 'm sorry about what happened , " she continued , hoping that this time the apology would do some good . " I thought I could give you a good home . . . I did . I really did . But - - " Beth wiped at a tear as it trickled down her left cheek . She then glanced down at her injured leg . " Just please go . " It was 10 : 30 in the morning when John Gage decided to stop by Beth Naler 's home . He parked his Land Rover at the side of the street and started up the sidewalk , stopping halfway to stare at the structure . I hope I 'm not out of line with this . If I am and Cap or Brackett get word of it , I may find myself with a lot of free time on my hands for awhile . . . or sitting behind a desk . . . I * do * want to know how she 's feeling , though . That 's it . . . I 'll ask her how she 's doing , then bring up the fact she looks familiar . If she says I must be thinking of someone else , I 'll know I was wrong . I 'll leave and that 'll be it . No harm , no foul . Where are you ? She wondered as she headed for the livingroom . When she opened the front door , she was surprised to see the dark - haired paramedic from the night before . Johnny shifted slightly on his feet . " Uh . . . um . . . I . . . uh . . . " he let out a slight nervous laugh under his breath . " Hi . Remember me ? I 'm John Gage . . . the paramedic . . . " " I just wanted to see how you were doing . You know . . . " He motioned toward her bandaged leg . " I didn 't realize you guys made follow up calls . " She still remained in the doorway , not ready to invite Johnny in . " I 'm fine . Thanks . " Beth glanced over her shoulder , wondering where Riley was . The last thing she needed was for the paramedic to see the dog . . . she hadn 't seen him herself . She had no idea what he would look like after what happened . Johnny took a seat and watched as Beth disappeared into the kitchen . He then looked around at the neatly kept livingroom , wondering how he was going to not only bring up the fact he thought he knew the woman , but also about what he 'd seen . . . or not seen . . . the night before . The sound of light clicking on linoleum coming from down the hall interrupted his thoughts and had him on his feet , looking in curiosity . " Did they ever find your dog ? " he asked , as he peered into the narrow room . " I . . . uh . . . yes . Yes , they sure did . " She lied as she returned , frowning when she saw he was standing and appeared to be looking for something . She walked over and handed him the glass of water . " You said you forgot something ? " " Yes . I 'd remember you . " If he could hear her heart beating , she knew he 'd figure out something else was up . So far there was no sign of Riley and she tried once again to calm herself . Johnny took a quick glance down the hallway again , still curious as to what would have made the sound if the dog was not there . First the bowl and now . . . He caught movement out of the corner of his left eye and noticed Beth was fidgeting with her hands . " Is something wrong ? " Maybe she 's not alone . . . " No ! " She answered harshly . She softened when she saw his startled reaction . " No , I 'm doing okay , remember ? But I think you should go . " Johnny nodded . The paramedic hadn 't had the chance to mention the other , but he knew he couldn 't push to stay or he might find himself in the kind of trouble he first worried about . " Okay . Sorry to 've bothered you . I don 't normally do this , but I was so sure - - " " You were wrong . " Once again Johnny nodded and headed for the door after handing the still full glass back to Beth . She watched as the door closed behind him , then brought a trembling left hand up to her face and sighed . " I do know you from somewhere , John Gage . I just couldn 't tell you and have you stay around longer . . . not now . But I don 't know where we met either . " Johnny was halfway down the sidewalk when he thought he heard the sound of a bark from within the house . He stopped and turned around . After a few seconds of silence , the paramedic waved it off . I must be losing my mind . . . Suddenly he heard Beth yell , a fearful tone to her voice . Without any hesitation , Johnny hurried back to the house and opened the front door , rushing inside . He stopped just inside the livingroom when he saw the woman lying on the floor near the hallway , her right arm raised over her head as if to shield herself . " Get away ! " she cried out . Johnny couldn 't see anything even as he took a few steps forward in an effort to see if something was down the hall . It was empty . He quickly went to Beth 's side and squatted down . " What 's going on ? " He noticed her right index finger was swollen and already bruising . When he 'd walked out of the house , her right hand wasn 't injured . " What happened to your finger ? " " Here , let me take a look at it . " He carefully examined the tender and enlarged finger , still taking a second now and then to glance down the hallway . Beth sniffled . " Will you help me get rid of him ? " Edward had been working out in his back yard when he heard the yelling coming from inside Beth 's house . He shook his head . " They shoulda locked her up when they had the chance . " Johnny helped Beth over to a nearby recliner , still holding onto one of her arms in support . " I 'm gonna take you in to get your finger taken care of , but you need to try to keep calm . Your blood pressure might go back up if you aren 't careful . " " Well , where is he ? " " Ah . . . uh . . . I . . . just . . . he 's . . . I can 't . I can 't say it . Just . . . you have to trust me , " she said , her tone still sounding frantic . " Okay . Okay , I 'll help you with your dog . . . somehow . But first you 've got to promise me you 'll go in and get that finger x - rayed . " The woman shook her head as her husband continued on . " First the broad next door to us starts actin ' wacko . Now someone 's damn dog is high jumpin ' . " He walked out of the room mumbling under his breath as he headed for the bathroom . Johnny glanced at his passenger as he drove to the hospital . She was sitting perfectly still , her eyes straight ahead . Though the trembling had stopped , she didn 't seem to be okay . He quickly brought his gaze back to the traffic ahead as he thought ; Somethin 's still got her really bugged . As if in answer to the paramedic 's thoughts , Beth said in a flat tone , " He 's dead . " " My dog . " She looked at him and sighed . He immediately pulled off to the side of the street and stopped . After putting his Land Rover in ' park ' , Johnny turned to face her . " Just what kind of game are you playing here , anyway ? " He didn 't worry about masking the anger in his voice . " I . . . I 'm . . . it 's not . . . " Tears pooled in the young woman 's eyes as she gave a silent plea that was soon vocalized . " Please believe me , " came a hoarse whisper . Suddenly Johnny was reminded of an experience a few years earlier . Dorothy Teele . The woman was so convinced her dead sister Alice was in her house , that she went so far as to set it on fire and blamed the blaze on her . He and Roy met the distraught housewife when she 'd scheduled a séance and passed out during the event . He looked at Beth 's face and saw the same fearful expression . It 's * possible * she really believes it . When Dorothy 's husband had us search their house to make sure there * wasn 't * a ' ghost ' , I 'd swear for a minute it felt like there really could 've been one . And this sure would explain the bit with the bowl on the porch . What am I thinking ? Maybe we 've both lost it . . . Johnny softened . " Maybe you should talk to one of the doctors at Rampart about this . " " You mean like a shrink ? I 'm not crazy ! " The paramedic looked out through the windshield . The hospital was only a couple of miles away . It wouldn 't take them long to get there once he started driving again . He didn 't have much time to decide what he should do . If I play along , am I just gonna make things worse ? Or will telling the docs behind her back make it so she 's afraid to get help from anyone later ? Should I tell 'm what * I * saw ? Once again , Johnny gave a long hard look at Beth . She was holding back more tears . " Okay . I 'll help ya and we won 't tell anyone else what you said . " Johnny leaned against the counter inside of the base station , a cup of coffee in his hands , as he waited for Beth to come out of Treatment Room One . Still not sure what to make of the young woman 's problem and the missing animal at the bowl the night before , he tried for a second opinion from Dixie as she worked on the nurses ' schedule . " Dix , do you believe in ghosts ? " Johnny shook his head . " I was just wonderin ' . I mean , have you ever had an experience you couldn 't explain ? Like where a ghost almost seemed logical ? " She gave his question some thought , while also trying to figure out what would have gotten John Gage on this latest topic . To her knowledge , he and Roy hadn 't lost a victim lately . And he hadn 't been off duty for any extended period of time that might suggest a relative had passed away . " I 'm not sure if I have or not . Shortly after my grandmother died , my mother and I were helping my grandfather clean out her things and none of us could find one of her favorite music boxes . He found it a few days later , inside one of his dresser drawers . We never figured out how it got there , except that maybe she 'd put it there before she died and he just never noticed . But it really didn 't make sense that she would . " The paramedic smiled , then looked at the door to Treatment Room One , his smile fading . " She 's a nice girl , " Dixie stated . " Huh ? " " No . . . no . Thanks , Dix . " He set the coffee cup on her desk and started to step away when Joe Early strolled up . " Well , what brings you here ? " the doctor asked , looking for any sign of an injury on the paramedic . " Uh . . . I brought in a friend . Nothing serious ; she just broke a finger . " He shifted on his feet as he thought about the rest . Now was the chance to let someone know Beth wasn 't very stable . The professional in him knew it should be done . But the person in him had made a promise , and as he 'd once told his partner , he admired people who stuck to them . How can I break one * now * ? Maybe all she needs is someone to confide in . . . Johnny was still relieved Early was on duty and not Brackett . The former had no idea he and Roy had brought Beth in during the night . And , of course , Dixie didn 't either . No one would question him as to why he was with her in the first place . As Joe started to say something else , the door to the treatment room opened and Beth came out , Mike Morton right behind her . " All set , " the woman said , holding up her bandaged finger . After thanking Morton for the care , Beth and Johnny headed for the exit of the emergency ward . The two doctors went on with their business , as Dixie took Beth 's file from where Mike had laid it on the counter . Just as she was about to go put it away , a man came down the corridor with his ill daughter . The head nurse set down the medical file and immediately went to his aid . Johnny parked his Land Rover in front of Beth 's house as she finished telling him about the horrible experience she 'd had with the puppy when she was a child . " You know , you 're the first one who 's ever heard the whole truth , " she sniffled . " I felt so guilty ; I couldn 't tell anyone it was my fault Teddy was in the middle of the road . I never even told my parents . " The two got out of the vehicle as she answered . " No . . . well . . . I did . . . kind of . " They walked up to her front door and she opened it with a key . As soon as she and Johnny were inside , Beth continued . " Every time I looked at a dog . . . any dog . . . after that , I 'd swear Teddy was behind the eyes of it and staring back at me . I was so sure he was gonna get revenge , that if a dog even growled a little , my knees would buckle and I 'd start shaking . I would walk a mile or two out of my way around that town to avoid going past any houses with dogs . " Johnny listened as he took a seat on the couch , Beth in the chair across the room . " As I got older , it just seemed to get worse . Like he was closing in . I started to hear him around my house . You know , walking and panting . " The paramedic nodded . Does that explain the bowl on the porch and the unseen animal ? " Well , I tried to tell myself it was my imagination . And I forced myself to get another dog to prove it to myself . I thought it would help me to be okay with them again . Riley . He was a character . " The edges of her mouth turned up in a slight smile . " He sure loved to annoy the man next door . Would stand at the fence and bark at him . We never got along , so I kind of enjoyed it . " Beth paused a moment and stared at Johnny . She began to cry as she explained . " I started to see that same look in his eyes . It got so that I couldn 't handle having him around . " Beth sniffed and wiped at the tears on her cheeks . " And then I did a terrible thing . " Johnny had a feeling he knew where the conversation was going . He was about to stop her when she began to go into more detail , her eyes now averted to the floor , her hands fidgeting . " I came home from work one day and I opened the gate to the back yard . I don 't even know what made me do it , but I left it open and Riley got out . I wasn 't home very long when I heard tires screeching and when I went outside , he was lying in the street . . . he was dead . " The girl shook her head and kept her eyes downcast . " No . . . no , I wanted him gone . " She looked up and made eye contact with Johnny . " I killed him . " " No ! No , I can 't . I can 't . He 'll get me where ever I go . " She looked at the bandage on her leg where the bite was . " I have to get rid of him . . . again . " " But if he 's already dead , then how - - ? " Johnny stopped himself . What am I saying ? This is nuts . But then how 'd she get the bite ? Man , this is way over my head . He got to his feet . " Look , I 'd like to help ya . But I think the only way to get ' rid ' of Riley is to face your fears . With someone who knows what they 're doing . . . and that 's not me . " Johnny could see the total helplessness in her eyes . He once again found himself softening in his stance . " Okay . But let me think it over . . . on what to do . " She started to tremble again and nodded . " Okay , " came a whisper . Dixie was taking a call at the base station when one of her nurses came up to the desk , a puzzled expression on her face . The head nurse motioned for her to wait while she wrote down the medical information given to her by the paramedics on the other end of the line . Once that was done , she paged for Doctor Morton and turned to face the younger woman . " Yes , Susy , what is it ? " " I was filing the patient records and I came across one that already had a file . " She held both up so Dixie could see the names . " Beth Naler ? She was in here not too long ago . Come to think of it , her file was already out . " She reached for the one that she 'd seen earlier . Looking inside , she noticed the file was created on the same date as it was now and Beth was assumed to be a new patient . " She was brought in at 2 : 15 in the morning with a dog bite . " She shrugged . " It 's unusual , but one of the nurses on duty last night must 've not seen the original file . " The nurse then handed her the other file . Dixie opened it and read the information listed there . She looked in the direction Johnny and Beth had departed a couple of hours before , then returned her eyes to the paperwork . Johnny drove toward the outskirts of town , Beth in the Land Rover with him . After giving the situation some thought , he 'd decided the best thing would be to get her out of the house . It would buy him some time to think and keep her from the surroundings that may be triggering her problems . He 'd considered heading over to the DeSotos ' , but remembered the family would most likely be on their quest for Halloween costumes . Plus it wouldn 't be very good for the kids if Beth were to let anything slip while there anyway . Going for a drive out to where it would be quiet and relaxing seemed to be the next best option . Glancing at his passenger , the paramedic asked , " Do any of your co - workers know what 's going on with you ? " Beth nodded . " Yes , that 's i - - " Her sentence was cut off by her scream . Johnny had once again taken his eyes off the road ahead for a split second , and unfortunately it was the wrong split second . As Beth screamed , he quickly looked forward , where he saw a stocky brown dog in the road right in front of them . With no time to stop , Johnny had to jerk the Land Rover sharply as he slammed on the brakes . The vehicle went over the side of the road and flipped twice before coming to rest upright in a field . Neither occupant moved . " Well , I 'm not quite sure . " She stepped into the room and let the door close behind her . " You know the young lady John Gage brought in . . . Beth Naler . . . " Having walloped his head on something during the accident , Johnny slowly came out of a daze and peered through the spider webbed windshield at the crumpled front end of the hood . As he became more aware , he recalled that he wasn 't alone . Beth ! The paramedic turned his head and saw that the young woman was staring straight ahead , her eyes not blinking . " Beth ? " Johnny reached down and unfastened his seatbelt . He winced as he scooted closer to her . " Hey . " He slowly waved a hand in front of her face in an effort to get a reaction . Gage couldn 't see any obvious injuries to the girl , but knew from experience that what appeared to be wasn 't always the case . " Beth ! C ' mon . Give me somethin ' here . " He checked her pulse and found it was normal . But she still didn 't react to his presence . " Man , I 've gotta get us some help . " Gasping slightly , he pulled back from it , then leaned hard against it again , eliciting a grunt with his efforts . He was rewarded with the door opening to a small crack . One more time . . . After repeating the steps , the door opened enough for him to slip out . Once on his feet , he ignored the throbbing pain in his head and his sore abdomen as he used the Land Rover to steady himself . He started to step away when he heard a growl , like a dog snarling its teeth , behind him . Johnny very slowly turned around and found that there wasn 't anything there . The next few minutes of conversation had him wondering if he was dreaming or really awake . " What is it ? " Joanne wondered as he hung up , a puzzled expression on his face . " I 'm not sure . But it seems a girl Johnny and I treated and transported last night wasn 't who she said she was . Or if she was , she 's a ghost . " " We took in a dog bite victim . It turns out she apparently died several months ago . And to make it even stranger , Johnny brought her in on his own today . " Each time Johnny made a move , the growling intensified . He still couldn 't see a dog anywhere , but where ever it was , the dog didn 't want him to make it away from the vehicle . It 's not there . It 's your imagination . . . it 's gotta be . C ' mon , just get to the road . . . But he still found himself too bugged to go anywhere . When he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye , Johnny looked to Beth inside . She was coming around . Figuring it would be better if he was with her when she became aware , he carefully climbed back in , all the while trying to listen for the sound of the dog approaching . Much to his relief , the growling had stopped . " Oh my God ! It was Riley ! " She cried , recalling what had happened . She tried to push on her door , but the paramedic held her still . " He 's here ! He 's got us trapped ! " " Take it easy . It 'll be okay . . . I 'll get you outta here . . . it 'll be alright , " he tried to convince himself as well . Suddenly Beth was propelled in her mind to another time and place with Johnny 's words . She was underneath something . . . Heavy . . . I can 't breathe . . . help Johnny 's face came into view as he peered into her wrecked car . " It 's okay . We 'll get you outta here . . . It 'll be alright . " But this time she knew it hadn 't been alright . As Gage 's face faded from view in the vision , Beth recalled that Riley had caused that accident as well . More important than that , she remembered something else . I died . At the same time she recalled that fact , Beth noticed a startled look of recognition on Johnny 's face . He knows . He knows it too . Beth weakly reached up with her left hand and touched his forehead . The paramedic winced as the throbbing in his head continued and the wooziness increased . He wanted to say something , but the words wouldn 't come . " He won , " she whispered , knowing Gage had been unable to help her in the fight to prevail over the events of the past . " You tried . But he won . " Beth looked sadly at Johnny as the distance between them grew , until it was as if she were looking at him from a tunnel . Soon he was gone from her view . You got me , Riley . You got your revenge . . . Roy was at Rampart reading over the two files on Beth Naler , when a call came over the base station . Squad 36 was treating the missing paramedic for a head injury and abdominal bruising apparently suffered in a single car accident . " Where 're they at ? " He asked Dixie as she turned the transmission duty over to Doctor Early . " Outside of town . " " Take him to Treatment Room Four , " Nurse McCall directed as Johnny was wheeled on a stretcher inside the hospital . The paramedics bringing him in did as she said . Roy followed them in , hoping no one would make him leave the room since he wasn 't on duty . DeSoto stood back as Johnny was transferred to the exam table . It was then he saw that his friend was awake , though he appeared to be in a stupor . There was a black and blue spot on his left temple where a slight knot had also formed . And by Johnny 's reaction to Doctor Early 's touch to his abdomen , there was an injury there as well . There were a few small nicks on the left side of his face , which Roy surmised to possibly be from flying glass . Roy watched as Gage nodded , noticing him wince at the movement of his head . " That 's probably why you 're so sore here , " Early continued , indicating Johnny 's mid section . " It 's not rigid , which you know is a good sign . " " Beth ? " The name uttered from his partner 's mouth had DeSoto 's attention even more . Why would he be asking about her unless she was with him . . . ? " You mean Beth Naler ? " Roy could tell from his view of Johnny that the man was puzzled . If he 's wondering about her , then that means she * was * there . She * had * to 've been . But then where is she * now * ? Although Joe Early was well aware from the beginning that Roy was in the treatment room when he shouldn 't be , the doctor made an exception and , saying nothing , allowed him to stay . After the other paramedics left and he 'd finished his examination of Johnny 's injuries , Joe waved Roy over . Gage eyed his partner curiously . " Wha . . . what 're you doin ' here ? " he asked , his voice sounding weak . " Lookin ' for you . " " I don ' know . . . " For the moment , Johnny couldn 't pull the day together . As much as he tried , there were pieces missing . All he knew right now was that he was sore as hell , had a massive headache and was flat on his back at Rampart . Edward came out of his house to get into his truck , when he saw a policeman ringing the doorbell at Beth 's place . When the officer didn 't get an answer , another uniformed man nearby disappeared around to the back while the other peered into a window . Soon the officer who 'd gone behind the house returned and was conversing with the other . " Hey , what 're you guys doing ? " the neighbor asked as he approached . " We 're trying to locate Beth Naler . There seems to be a discrepancy in some information we 've got on her and we need her to clear a matter up . " Edward snorted a laugh . " That crazy broad ? Clear things up ? While , I 'll bet if you do get a hold of her , she 'll have you coming away more confused than ever . " " She 's a damn lunatic . She 's always out in her yard yelling at her dog . . . " he leaned in close to the men . " Her dog is dead . Has been for quite awhile . No , sir . You won 't get clarity from that nut case . " The following day Johnny was a little better , though still very sore . He also found that he was somewhat unsteady on his feet . Lying alone in the hospital room , he let his mind drift back to the events of the past twenty - four hours . Some of the details had returned to him bit by bit . Beth telling him about Riley , the dog in the road out in the middle of nowhere . . . and finally of Beth 's admission that her dog had won . He remembered the fearful look in her eyes from the first accident . He was pulling overtime at Station 8 and they 'd just gotten her free of her wrecked car when the young woman 's condition took a turn for the worse . He rode in the ambulance with her , reassuring her over and over that things would be okay . She was going to be alright . And she firmly believed him . But minutes later , Beth was pronounced dead at Rampart by Doctor Donaldson . The loss was a heart breaking one for the paramedic . Johnny couldn 't accept that they 'd lost her . At the time he was trying to deal with the loss , a dog that had been close to the scene came to his mind . He 'd wondered if that was the cause of the accident . But from what others told him later , no witnesses saw the dog . They said she swerved suddenly for no reason at all . Oddly enough , no other fire fighters even noticed the dog at the scene . And now he knew who that dog was ; the same one who caused him to flip his Land Rover . Riley . . . The loss of Beth then was hard to talk about , thus he never told Roy about it when they were on their next regular shift together . Soon he blocked it out and life went on for him as if that accident had never happened . Roy shook his head . " No . " He grabbed a chair and pulled it close to the bed , taking a seat . " So why did you hook up with her ? " " Me too . She seemed to remember the same time I did . It was weird , man . Like we connected on another level . " Roy raised an eyebrow in doubt . " I think you were right the first time . " " Anytime . Look , you know I don 't believe in ghosts . . . so there has to be an explanation here . Maybe someone who knew she died took her name and started living as her . " " No , it was her . But I 'm not so sure she was a ghost . Remember when Dorothy Teele was so sure her sister Alice was haunting their house that she started doing stuff and blaming it on her sister ? And she seemed to really believe the dead sister was doing the stuff ? " " But , Roy . The night we went to her house and you 'd left in the ambulance , I heard an animal drinking something . I went to the source of the sound around back and there wasn 't anything there but a bowl . And I could still hear it . " " Okay , say it was . " Johnny repositioned himself , scooting more upright , wincing slightly in the process . " What about the fact it was her dog that 's been dead that caused my accident ? " Johnny sighed . " It was fate . When we both remembered she died , I have a feeling she gave in and died again . She told me Riley 'd won . After all I 'd seen , I guess I believed her . " Roy sat back and gave his partner 's words thought . It 's too far fetched . Things like this just don 't happen . But * he * doesn 't need to know what I think . . . The senior medic stood up . " Well , that 's good enough of an explanation for me , " he commented as he started for the door . Johnny watched in silence as the door closed . He still wasn 't sure what to believe . All he could figure was that Beth was where she was meant to be , and hopefully Riley was as well . Just as long as they left him alone , no one beyond Roy would have to know what really happened that fateful day in October . Enormous thanks to Jill Hargan for the beta read , writing of the Twilight Zone intro and encouragement along the way . I needed it with this story ! : o ) Also , thanks to Purry for reading the story through and giving me added reassurance . This story was inspired when I came home from work one morning ( while it was still dark , as usual ) and my husband had let the dogs out early . I could hear them drinking their water , but couldn 't see them . : o ) |
Julie Osborne was one pissed girl . If you 'd just looked at her for the first time , you would have wondered what in the world this girl had to be pissed about . She was beautiful , smart , had nice clothes , and lots of friends . She was a cheerleader - the head cheerleader in fact - and one of the most popular girls around . She didn 't have a car , but that was because she didn 't want one . She liked to be catered to , which often included making demands on her parents to take her places and so forth . She rarely lacked for a ride and had ridden the school bus only once . The hissy fit she 'd thrown after that had convinced her father it was worth taking her so he wouldn 't have to listen to her bitch . Beautiful probably wasn 't the right word for her . " Living wet dream " would be better . Her auburn hair fell past her shoulders when it wasn 't up in a pony tail . Her breasts were softball sized , with perky little nipples that thrust up and out proudly when she sashayed down the street or hallway . Her hips provided the rest of the sashay and she knew how to use them . Her slim abdomen proved that she took her calisthenics seriously . She had a good body and she knew it and she was for sure going to keep it . Her eyes were a luminescent bright green that caused lots of people to think she was wearing colored contact lenses . She was tanned everywhere visible . She wore the tiniest bikini her father would suffer in public and an even smaller one in the back yard when she lay out in the sun . No one but her closest girl friends and family had ever seen her in that one . Even her brother perked up when she wore it . Boys flocked around Julie like starving birds at an overturned grain truck . More males jerked off fantasizing about her than spilled their seed looking at Playboy magazines . Every one of them wanted to be the one who ended up between her sweet naked thighs one day . But that wasn 't likely , because Julie was a virgin and she intended to stay that way . She had a reputation for being loose and fast , but that was of her own doing . With each boy she went out with , she 'd let him feel her breasts , or kiss long passionate kisses , but when she felt that warm spot growing in her abdomen she knew it was time to call a halt . What she did then was pure genius . She invariably told the boy , whoever he was , that she wanted to let him , and she might let him , but only if certain things happened . Her rules were these : First , if anyone asked the boy how far he 'd gotten , he was to smile and say he couldn 't say . Second , he could pretend he 'd gotten as far as he wanted , but could not actually say he 'd done anything at all . Third , he had to let her be in control of everything they did . Of course every guy said " Yes " . Those who broke the rules never got to take her out again . Those who played by the rules at the very most got jerked off by her soft hand , but never seemed to get much further . Eventually they broke up with her , never knowing why they hadn 't succeeded where they just knew others had . So , while no man got to plumb her virgin depths , everyone thought others had . Everything went fine until she lost the bet . It had been a stupid bet in the first place . Her friends had been tittering one day about a new guy in school and about how he had such a big bulge . They were making bets about which girl would get to see it first . Julie had said it was stupid to even care , but then Tanya , her primary rival in the ongoing popularity contest some girls play started needling her . It ended up as a bet between Tanya and Julie that each of them would see it first . Then the terms of the bet had to be decided . It was decided that whichever one lost would have to ask Morty Blakely out on a date and get him to come in his underwear . The cum - soaked underwear themselves were to be the proof . Morty was the school nerd and everyone knew that his mother still sewed his name onto all his clothes . One of the other girls had to be a witness to confirm the win . The bet was on . Then , the next day , to everyone 's surprise , Tanya went right up to the new boy and offered him twenty dollars to show her his cock . She told him and Cindy Patterson to meet her in the locker room after school . She gave him the money , he showed his cock to Tanya and Cindy , and , in the time honored tradition of Capitalism , the bet was won . Tanya had done it just to embarrass her and that 's why Julie was pissed . Julie had tried to wiggle out of the deal , saying Tanya had cheated , but the girls held her to the bet . She had to go out with Morty , jerk him off and get his cum - soaked skivvies as proof . " Hey Morton , " she said . He glanced up at her from where he was sitting in the library . His eyes got a little wider as he realized who it was addressing him . " Uh . . . Hi Julie , " he said . His eyes looked big through his thick glasses . He had dark hair that was slicked back over his head . It looked greasy . Her stomach churned . He had on loose clothing that looked too big for him , like it was hand - me - downs from an older brother or something . For some reason she noticed his fingers , holding the book open . They were long and slender and very smooth . Morton gulped . She couldn 't mean she wanted to go with him . He had expected her to ask him to do a term paper for her , or something like that . He got lots of those . But he never did them . He was smart and he was that way because he studied . He wasn 't about to use his smarts to get other people credit . Especially people who were rude to him and hurt his feelings . People like Julie . He came to the conclusion she was playing with him , for some kind of cruel joke . He wasn 't going to play . Julie couldn 't believe what she 'd just heard . It was almost like he didn 't want to go out with her . What a loser . But she had to make this happen . Morton 's eyes narrowed . He looked around , trying to see who was hiding and watching . He didn 't see anyone . Julie saw him peering around and looked herself , to see what he was looking at . When she looked back at him he was looking at her face . That got her attention for some reason she couldn 't put her finger on . " You want me . . . to take you . . . to the drive in Friday night . " He said it flatly , staring at her face the whole time . " That was it ! " she thought . He was looking at her FACE , not where every other guy she 'd ever talked to had looked . They all talked to her breasts . She wondered why this man wasn 't staring at her breasts . Maybe he was gay . " Yes " she said automatically . Then " Are you gay ? " She hadn 't meant to say it out loud . She blushed . " I didn 't mean that , " she said . He was staring at her open mouthed . His mouth shut in a grim line . She folded her arms under her breasts . What was he doing ? He couldn 't just ignore her ! She was the most popular girl in school ! She had just given him the opportunity that at least fifty boys would cut off their right arms to get . She was going to actually touch his pathetic little peter , for pity 's sake ! Of course he didn 't know that . But nobody ever just ignored her . Julie stamped her foot in anger . " Look , Morton . I asked you to take me to the movies . Will you do it or not ? " She glared at him . Morton looked up at this vision of loveliness . He noticed those luscious looking breasts as his eyes went by them , but he very intentionally kept his eyes moving until they were locked on her eyes . She was pissed off ! He could see it in her eyes . He wondered what was going on . It had to be a joke , or some kind of cruel game . Julie was taken aback . Why did anyone go to the movies ? To see a movie and make out . Everyone knew that . She had a horrible feeling that he had somehow found out about the bet . His eyes looked deep , like she could fall into them . Why was he staring at her face ? " Well . . . I . . . uh . . . um . . . I just want you to , OK ? " she was flustered . She was so flustered that she added " Please ? " He looked around again . Still nobody watching them . He made his decision on impulse . " OK , " he said , and was immediately sorry he 'd done so . He looked back down at his book . Julie stood there . She 'd gotten past the first hurdle . Now what ? Now he was ignoring her again . Who was this boy ? Why didn 't he react like all the others ? " You do have a car . . . don 't you ? " she said . That night the phone rang . It was Morton . " What time and where do you want me to pick you up ? " he asked . She wanted to groan . She gave him the information and dreaded the weekend for the rest of the week . Promptly at 8 : 30 Morton knocked on the door of Julie 's house . He was nervous . He 'd never been on a real date before . He 'd never really thought about going out with a girl . He had three older sisters and they had all three been fucking him regularly since he was twelve . It was sort of a family tradition . His parents believed that siblings who slept together would form a bond that would last a lifetime , and that his sisters , if he kept them happy , would not sleep around with just any guy . For the most part they had been right . His eldest sister Lee Anne had just gotten married at age 23 . Ruth , the middle one was 20 and engaged . Both of them had moved out in the last several years , leaving only Leticia . Now he and Leticia were the only ones left . She was insatiable , and he was glad she was the only one he had to keep happy any more . He knew it was a weird life , but he was used to it . One of the things he 'd been worried about was that someone had found out about his family 's habits and told Julie . And that all this , whatever it was that was going on , was the result . When he 'd driven up to her address he went on by , looking all around , trying to find the cars of other kids he knew must be waiting to play some joke on him . There was nothing . Finally he 'd parked on the street and gone up . A woman opened the door . " Hello , " she said with a questioning look . " Hi . I 'm Morton . I have a . . . date . . . with Julie . " He could tell the woman was Julie 's mother . She was very beautiful herself , with the same hair and body as her daughter . " Morton , " said the woman , looking at him speculatively . " Well , Morton , come on in . Julie 's never ready on time . I must say it 's refreshing to have a boy actually come to the door to pick her up . Usually they just sit in the car and honk . " Morton went in and immediately found himself being catered to by Julie 's mom . She brought him a drink and put a plate of cookies on the end table beside him . Then she sat in a chair to one side and began talking to him . He was uncomfortable at first . Adults didn 't usually talk to him much . It was because he was usually smarter than they were . He had an impossibly high I . Q . and most people found his intellect intimidating . But Mrs . Osborne turned out to be one smart lady herself and in no time they were chatting about a number of things . He was actually enjoying himself when Julie walked into the room . " Mom ! Morton ! I . . . uh . . . I didn 't know you were here . " Morton had stood as soon as she came into the room . Mrs . Osborne commented " And he has manners too ! Julie , where did you find this delightful young man ? " Julie shot a look of daggers at her mother , who didn 't notice because she was still looking at Morton . " Mom , you 're embarrassing me , " she growled . Her mother turned a surprised look on her . Julie could sense questions coming and said hurriedly " Come on Morton , we have to go . " She left immediately , leaving her mother and Morton behind . Mrs . Osborne saw Morton staring wistfully at her retreating daughter and put her hand on his arm . She was surprised to find that under the baggy shirt he was wearing his arm felt thick and muscular . " Give her a chance , " she said as he looked at her surprised . " She 's not really the bitch she just appeared to be . " Then she smiled at Morton , patted him on the arm and said " Have fun . " Julie was already sitting in the van when he got outside . It was a camper , really . His dad loved to go out camping and the van was his concession to technology while camping . Basically it was a place to sleep in a dry and warm environment . It didn 't have much else in the back other than the big wide bed and a lot of storage compartments . The front had everything someone on the road might want . There was a GPS unit , a nice radio / stereo , lots of places to put food and drink . All the windows had curtains and shades that could black it out in daylight if needed . Julie was looking at the bed when he got in . " Don 't get any ideas Morton , " she growled at him . He glanced at the bed and then back at her . For the first time he looked at her as a female of his species . She was good looking for sure . He didn 't look at women the way other boys his age did . A woman was an instrument who could be played , once you knew where her buttons were . With all three of his sisters he had learned how to leave them completely limp , almost lifeless after what they could only term as amazing orgasms . Morton enjoyed spurting his semen in a woman just as much as the next guy , but when you had three of them to service you had to pace yourself . He had therefore studied the female anatomy and he knew every one of the supposed 97 erogenous zones on the female body . He had seen sex as a chore for several years until he had learned enough to get them off easily . Nowadays the game he played was trying to time his own orgasm to coincide precisely with his sister 's . He 'd gotten pretty good and was usually able to unleash his balls and feel his sperm traveling through his penis just at the same time his sister 's pussy clamped down on him . Now , looking at Julie , he wondered which places on her body would leave HER limp . It was obvious she wasn 't interested , but he wondered . He looked over at her . " Julie , look , I know you don 't want to go out with me , OK ? Any idiot could see that . So what 's all this really about ? " Julie finally looked at him . He wasn 't whiny , like she thought he 'd be . He didn 't talk with a funny voice , like she thought he would . Her mother had been deep in conversation with him , and her mother NEVER talked to any of the boys she went out with . Her mother referred to most of the boys she dated as " Bags of testosterone . " He was different than boys she 'd been around and she didn 't quite know how to act . She couldn 't just tell him she needed his shorts full of cum . He 'd dump her out and then she 'd be completely uncool . But if she tried the usual things she did to get a boy drooling , somehow she knew they just wouldn 't work . She didn 't know how she knew , she just knew it . Even a genius can be caught off guard . The van did go off the road and into somebody 's lawn , but he missed two cars and a garden Gnome . He found himself parked on the sidewalk and hastily backed into the street . He drove a block and pulled over . He turned in the seat and looked at her . She looked upset and nervous . " You want me to ejaculate into my underwear and then give them to you . And for this you 'll give me fifty dollars . " He said it very clearly , so there was no mistake about what she heard . He kept driving . He turned a corner and then another . It was obvious he was headed back to her house . Julie wanted to cry . How had this turned out so badly ? Her life was going to be ruined . Tanya would be the queen of the school and no one would like her any more . She HAD to win . " OK OK , I 'll tell you what happened . But don 't take me home . Please Morton . . . I 'll tell you . " Again he pulled over . She looked at him and felt a little ashamed . " Look , I promise I 'll tell you . But could we just go on to the drive in ? I mean , forget what I said . I 'm an idiot , OK ? Let 's just go and watch the movie and I 'll tell you what 's going on and then you can take me home . OK ? Please ? " For the second time with this girl Morton went on impulse . He pulled back out and drove to the drive in . Neither of them said a word until they were there . Because he was driving a tall vehicle , the attendant told him he had to park on the back row . There were very few vehicles there , but Julie actually felt relieved that they wouldn 't be surrounded by cars . She looked at him . He was waiting patiently . " Look , I promised and I will . Let me go get us something to snack on . I 'll buy . This is all my fault . " She got out and walked toward the concession stand . Morton assumed she 'd hook up with a friend and he 'd never see her again until they all laughed at him in school . He almost started the van and drove off , just to show her he wasn 't playing . At the concession stand Julie saw her friends . They huddled all around her wanting to know who she was there with and so on . The usual stuff . She knew if she didn 't tell them they 'd be curious and follow her back to the van . She didn 't want that . " I 've got Morton out there and I 'm about to settle the bet . " The girls all squealed and Julie told them to keep it down . " He 's going to be a tough nut to crack . He 's so shy he won 't even talk to me or look at me . I don 't want to scare him off , so don 't come around and bother us . I think he 's already suspicious . It may take a couple of dates to do this without making him so mad he won 't ever do another paper for us . " She was proud of herself for delaying the inevitable , and the girls bought it . She also reminded them not to tell Tanya because Tanya would try to screw it up . They agreed . She sighed with relief , got popcorn and soda and went back to the van . When he saw her coming with the food balanced precariously in her arms Morton peered carefully at her . He was trying to be sure it really was her and not some jock trying to sneak up on him - part of the big joke he was still sure was going on . But it really was her . She got in and handed him some popcorn and a drink . " I didn 't know what you liked , so I just got Coke , " she said . The previews came on the screen . He gave her ten minutes . " Look , Julie , I know this is some kind of joke or something . So why are we dragging it out . Call in whoever is going to throw water on me , or steal my pants or whatever it is and let 's get it over with . I could be reading a good book right now . " Julie was startled . He really was pretty smart . It hurt her feelings a little bit that he thought she 'd play that kind of joke on him . She wasn 't mean like that . And the thought that he 'd rather be reading a BOOK than be out with her was enough to start her blood simmering . Still , the only hope she had was that after telling him the real deal he 'd either have pity on her , or need the money enough to do it . So , she took a deep breath and told him the truth . It was quiet for a while when she finished . Finally he spoke . " So she gave the guy 20 bucks to see his penis so she could win the bet and put you down , and now you figure I 'll do what you want for a hundred so you can put her down . Is that about it ? " Well , when you put it that way , it didn 't sound very nice , she thought . " Well , I supposed that 's technically correct , " she said . " But I didn 't mean to hurt anyone 's feelings . It 's just that all the girls will like her better than me if I don 't . " " And these are the people whose friendship you crave . " It wasn 't a question . It was more of a statement . " These people will abandon you if you can 't manage to come up with a pair of my stained jockey 's . " Why did he have to put it like that ? " You people are so sad , " he finished . She wanted to be mad , but , for some reason couldn 't . She was immediately suspicious . " OK to the questions , but I 'm not going to promise to do just anything you tell me to . There are some things I won 't do . " She was incensed . Who did he think he was to talk to her that way ? But he said he 'd do it . She was saved ! " OK , what are the questions ? " " Shit , " she said disgustedly . " Look , all this is between us , right ? I mean what we say in this van goes no further . It has to be that way or you can take me home right now and I 'll figure something else out . What are you , some kind of pervert ? " That surprised her . She 'd expected him to demand that she take said panties off or something . " Well , if you have the reputation , boys will do . . . almost anything to get a chance to . . . you know . I mean if everybody knows you 're a virgin and that you don 't . . . you know . . . then nobody would ever ask you out . " " Call me a student of humanity , " he said . " I 'm curious about what makes people like you tick . I 'm also deciding what I 'm going to ask you to do in exchange for my ' cum soaked jockeys ' , " he said . " Look , buster , like I said . I AM a virgin , and I 'm going to STAY a virgin . And while I may masturbate , no boy has ever seen me do it , and neither will you , so if that 's what you have in mind , forget it . " " Tell me how you masturbate , " he said . She took a big breath and he went on " I know , I know , I must be some kind of pervert . Look , trust me on this , OK ? I 'm not a pervert and there really is a good reason for me asking you . I 'm thinking about doing something nice for you . Just answer the question . " Now she was quiet for a while . Then she said " OK , I 'll tell you , but answer me this first . Do you have a hardon right now ? " " I don 't have a ' boner ' right now because you aren 't acting sexy in any way , shape or form . Right now the chick on the screen is sexier than you are . " He didn 't say it like he was trying to hurt her feelings . He just sounded like he was answering her question . So she took a breath and described how she rubbed herself when she was alone in her room and was horny . She was describing how she put her fingers on her pussy when he interrupted . " Do you use one , two , three or all four fingers ? Are they loose or stiff ? " She was so surprised that he 'd ask something that specific she just blurted out the answer " I use all four and they 're stiff . " This was weird , but it was also just a little exciting now . Here she was describing to a complete stranger , and a boy at that , how she did some very intimate things . Yet he wasn 't slobbering all over her , or rubbing his cock or anything like that . He sounded genuinely interested , which was the strangest thing of all . " Sometimes , yes . I have a . . . hair brush that has a nice smooth handle on it . . . " She stopped . She was blushing ! " This is so embarrassing , " she said . " You 're doing fine . Don 't get embarrassed . We 're just talking about biological processes . Think of it as a medical procedure that 's used to get the body to do a specific response . " She thought that was a very odd way of thinking about it . He asked her all sorts of other odd questions , like where she tingled when a boy touched her , and what tickled , and what kind of perfume she liked the best . He asked her what her favorite foods were . He asked her if she played with her breasts when she masturbated and what parts of her body boys had actually seen or touched . He asked her if she 'd ever had a full body massage . She didn 't even know how to answer that one . Finally he seemed to be out of questions . Now what would he do ? Finally he spoke . " OK , here 's what I want you to do . First , I want to give you a full body massage . That will be tonight . " He could sense her unease . " I won 't touch you anywhere that you would call sexual . I won 't touch your breasts or between your legs . However you 'll have to be only in panties , so I don 't have to deal with clothing being in the way . I will stay completely clothed . That 's tonight . Then I want you to go out with me again . If , after that date , you are unhappy with anything that happens tonight or on that date , I 'll give you your ' cum soaked skivvies ' and we 'll be done . " Julie thought long and hard . No boy had ever seen her in only her panties . Of course they covered more than her bikini did , but that wasn 't the point . " You won 't touch me anywhere I tell you not to ? " she asked . She told him to wait in the front while she went to the back and got undressed . It was dark enough she knew he couldn 't see her back there . She shivered and heard him turn on some kind of fan . She felt warm air flow over her . She stretched out on the bed , face down . She was very nervous . " OK , " she said tightly . He came into the back and rummaged in a storage box . He came up with something in his hand . " This is some oil that will let my hands slide on your skin , " he said . She expected him to start on her back , but the first thing he touched was her foot . He picked it up and began pressing and twisting it around . His hands were firm and warm . She couldn 't believe how wonderful she felt with his long fingered hands moving across her body . She was an athlete , and was well muscled under her smooth skin . He found all those muscles and pressed into them , causing what at first felt like pain , but then turned into sweet release as each muscle relaxed . At one point his hands were between her legs , working her inner thighs . He was within an inch of her pussy , but he never brushed it or touched it in any way . Even there his hands felt wonderful and she wasn 't worried about them at all . By the time he 'd gotten to her neck and scalp she was limp all over . Her body jiggled loosely as he manipulated it . He spoke softly for her to turn over and she did so automatically , not even thinking she was exposing herself in a way no boy had ever seen . Of course it was dark in the van , but she knew the light coming through the windshield was enough that he could see her . He started at her feet again , stretching each toe , rubbing between them , rotating her ankles . When he worked the front of her thighs he hit muscles she used all the time in her cheerleading routines . She groaned as he prodded and poked and suddenly she felt that warm ball in the pit of her stomach . The one that scared her . The one that meant she was going to have to masturbate when she got home . She was amazed that she could feel that way with Morton , but then she thought " No boy has ever made me feel this good before . " Always before , when she felt that warning sensation she called everything to a halt . But this time she didn 't . What he was doing felt too good . And besides , he hadn 't touched her in a sexual way at all . He finished his deep probing , deftly skipping around her breasts , though he was able somehow to work on the muscles that supported them high on her chest . She 'd never felt anything that good in her life and part of her wished his hands would have worked their magic on her breasts too . Other boys had touched her there , but she knew his hands would be better - much better . Now his touch lightened and his fingers caressed . One finger traced a line from her neck across her collar bone , down beside her breast , to her waist and then made an intricate pattern on her abdomen . She felt her pussy beginning to get damp . She couldn 't believe this was happening to her . She hadn 't been this excited since the very first time a boy had exposed his penis to her . Then he did the other side of her body . Now she wanted him to use those fingers on her breasts . " Morton ? " she said softly . He continued his light touch , going over her legs and the bottom of her feet . He unbound her pony tail and massaged her scalp and face as she ooooohed and ahhhhed . Finally his fingers approached her breasts . She held her breath , anticipating the pleasure . " Don 't tense up , " he murmured , and she relaxed again . He pressed his oil - covered palms over her nipples and worked the flesh firmly , rotating the underlying tissue and stretching the muscles that connected . She sighed and lay limp . Then the feather touch again and his fingers actually reached her small up thrust nipples . He strummed them , and then pinched them lightly , all the time running his fingertips around and over her mounds . She was on cloud nine . The ball of heat in her groin was getting bigger - hotter . Her pussy was actually wet now . She knew it . He was touching her in ways she hadn 't imagined anyone could touch her . " YES ! " she thought . A small nagging thought crossed her mind . She couldn 't let him touch her there . But it would feel so good to let go and feel it . And she was so close already . " Yesss , " she hissed " But . . . " He was still right by her ear . " Don 't worry , " he whispered and she shivered at the feel of his hot breath in her ear . " I promised " . Then he stuck his tongue out and licked her throat under her ear at the same time he pinched her nipples hard . His tongue flitted to her ear lobe and neck in several places as his fingers pulled her nipples away from her body and then let them snap back . Her back arched with that pull and she felt the dam break in her loins as the sweet pain in her nipples streaked to her pussy and back again . Now the only thing he was touching was her throat , with his tongue , and the explosion in her pussy waned , leaving her feeling sated , satisfied , limp , and relaxed . He leaned over and kissed her gently , lightly on the lips , and sat back . Julie breathed deeply and turned her head to look at him . Morton sat there quietly , beside her . She lifted her hand and put it in his lap , feeling . He was erect . Very erect . They talked in the dark , and somehow she didn 't feel naked , though she very nearly was . They had shared something more intimate than anything she had ever done , but she didn 't feel threatened or nervous at all . They talked about little things , school , what they wanted to do after school , nothing in particular . She realized the movie was over and people were leaving . She couldn 't believe so much time had passed . His massage had lasted over an hour . And he hadn 't tried anything . Even though he 'd gotten very hard . She couldn 't get over how different he was from the other boys . He went back to the front while she got dressed . " Thank you , " she said as she sat back down in the passenger 's seat . " I can 't believe that happened . I 've never done anything like that in my life . " " Next week ? " she said simply . He smiled and nodded . She felt that heat in the pit of her stomach again , and on impulse kissed him on the lips . " I had a great time , " she said . The next week was at once agonizingly slow in passing and so quickly gone she almost wasn 't prepared mentally for their next date . She had gone up to her room and masturbated TWICE after he left . She couldn 't get over the feel of his fingers on her body , his tongue on her neck . She knew she 'd let him touch her again , and she couldn 't wait for it to happen . She started to worry , but remembered he 'd done only what she 'd asked him to do , and nothing more . On Monday a strange thing had happened . A girl whose name she knew was Leticia came up to her . Leticia was a quiet girl who stayed in the background , and Julie had never talked to her before . Leticia stopped in front of Julie and said " You went out with my brother Friday night . " Leticia smiled again and just said " Goody . " Then she left . What a strange girl , Julie thought . Of course she saw Morton during the week . He 'd gotten a haircut and his hair looked fluffier , cleaner . He didn 't rush up to her and posture in front of everyone when he saw her . He just smiled and nodded his head . She felt that ball of warmth in the pit of her stomach again , just from seeing him . She couldn 't wait for Friday night . Mrs . Osborne noticed the change in her daughter too . Saturday Julie had been up early , was bright and cheerful , and didn 't snarl at either of her parents all morning . When she asked Julie how her date with " that nice boy " went Julie didn 't scowl or avoid the question . She looked blank and said " He is nice , isn 't he ? " Then she said " I had a great time . " Mrs . Osborne looked at her husband , whose eyebrows were raised . She shrugged and said " Maybe we could have him over for dinner some night ? " Normally that was the kiss of death , and a boy thus invited was never seen or heard of again . Julie was humming and just said " Yeah , that 'd be cool . " As soon as she could get away Marge Osborne went to her daughter 's laundry hamper and fished out the panties closest to the top . They smelled like turned on daughter , but there was no evidence of sperm in them . She 'd have to keep an eye on this young man . She 'd also have to talk to her husband and see if Doc Wilson would be willing to prescribe the pill for Julie . She 'd never seen Julie acting like this about a boy . This Friday night , when Morton showed up to collect Julie , both her mother AND father answered the door . He was invited in and recognized he was being grilled and evaluated . Julie either said something or acted different after their previous date . But he engaged the adults and enjoyed talking to them . He was telling them about the bluegrass concert he and Julie were going to that night , and how the banjo player was considered to be the third fastest player on earth when Julie came down . She smiled and said " Hi Daddy , Hi Mom . Hi Morton , ready to go ? " She took Morton 's hand and led him out the door . It wasn 't a question he 'd expected her to ask . " Yes , I think I do . At first I thought you were a spoiled rich . . . But I think there 's hope for you after all . " She grinned at him . " I am a spoiled bitch . But try not to flatter me so much . I might think you were trying to get into my panties . " He thought about it . He 'd guessed right about her primary erogenous zones . He 'd been trying to win a victory , but her response had been so genuine and trusting that he 'd ended up having a lot of fun . He 'd originally planned on leaving her frustrated , but then had wanted to see what kind of orgasm she 'd have . He 'd gotten pretty fired up himself . He knew if he actually fucked her she 'd go absolutely crazy . " I promised you I wouldn 't touch you sexually . I broke that promise , but only after you said I could . I didn 't think you were asking for anything more than what I gave you . If you 're asking whether or not I thought about it , well , I think you found out about that afterward . " " I 'm not going to MAKE you do anything , tonight or ever . I like making you feel good , and I 'd like to do that tonight . Whatever that turns out to be will make me feel good too . " So they went to the concert , talked the door man into letting them buy a CD and then left . He drove to a state lake nearby , to a campground where the camper fit in . Julie was breathing hard as she climbed into the back . This time she took everything off . She lay down on the bed , on her side , watching as he too began to disrobe . He was waiting for her to tell him to stop , but she never did . The last thing he removed was his underwear . He was hard . She gasped as it was bared to her . She looked at it like a bird looks at a snake . This time he used his lips instead of his fingers . She was his almost immediately as she submitted to his expertise . As his lips grazed across the pattern he made on her abdomen he saw her legs begin to part all by themselves . He could smell her arousal . Julie knew he was going to go lower . She knew she shouldn 't let him , but she knew she would . In fact she couldn 't wait for him to get there . Her legs opened all by themselves . As he moved around to climb onto the bed her knees bent , coming up toward her head , and then they fell apart as she opened herself completely to him . He leaned down and feasted . Her world exploded into bright sparks . This was going faster than he wanted it to . He hadn 't planned on doing anything other than give her another orgasm tonight . But his own need was pulsing in his prick . He hadn 't felt like this in years . She was everything he 'd ever wanted and had never had . After their last date he 'd fucked Leticia three times that night . Now he knew he 'd fuck Julie too . Part of him didn 't want to , but he knew if he didn 't stop now he 'd fill her with his seed . He didn 't want to break his promise . He went to work on her pussy with his lips , tongue and teeth . She had a large clit and he knew he could suck the whole thing into his mouth . Julie hadn 't known what to expect . No one had ever touched her down there . This was completely new . When his mouth descended on her pussy she thought she 'd just die . She came immediately , and before that one was over another one was flooding into her veins . Her blood was on fire . She grabbed his head and pulled it into her frantically as her knees came up even further . Now her heels were off the bed and she was arching her back . Then her heels slammed down onto the bed and her pussy thrust up , opening , trying to push against his mouth . She was sobbing with relief and joy , calling his name over and over . She felt his mouth work its way up through her pubic hair and onto her abdomen , which was still cramping from the last orgasm . His lips worked their way to her breasts and onto her nipples . No boy had sucked them before . As his mouth captured one the electricity it generated shot to her pussy . She felt something there , at her opening . Her hand flailed , grasping . It was his penis , long and hard , a spear that would tear her , rip her , and fill her . She had no hymen . It was long gone to tampons . She was wet , slick . There was no impediment to the passage of his long hard cock . In one slow , smooth stroke he was sheathed in her belly completely , his pubes meshing with hers . No further motion was needed . She was gloriously full of hard cock , her clit mashed between them , her emptiness filled . She trip hammered her pussy up against him as continuous orgasms shuddered through her body . Her unused pussy muscles spasmed and began to grip the invader . They strained against each other as she wailed her joy . He tried to hold it in . He didn 't want to knock her up , didn 't know if she was fertile at the moment or not . But her obvious joy , her urgent need and her gift to him was too much . His prick swelled and then belched a long rope of sperm - laced semen into her womb . He grunted as his cock followed up with four more thick ribbons of his thick seed , flushing her belly with the life - giving fluid . As he sagged on her he hoped he hadn 't just done something to hurt her . Finally her gasping calmed under his weight . Her arms were around him , holding him close . She was kissing his hair . He raised his head to look at her face . The candle light glinted green from her eyes . He was glad now that Leticia was insatiable . It was only because of what he 'd had to learn to satisfy her that he was able to perform for Julie . She demanded more , and this time , because his own need wasn 't so urgent , he was able to pay attention to her whole body . He was amazed at how much it took , but he was finally able to fuck her senseless . Julie moaned as she swam toward consciousness . She felt suffused with a hot glow of satisfaction . As she became more and more aware she felt different parts of her body in ways she 'd never felt them before . She felt a satisfied ache in her pussy , and a heavier wet heat that she knew was his ejaculate inside her . Rather than feel horrified that he had come in her , she wished the feeling would never go away . Even her breasts felt good , like the sun was shining on them . His weight was gone . She felt the heat and pressure of his body beside her . She opened her eyes and turned her head to see him gazing at her . He was on his side , his now flaccid penis resting on her thigh . She smiled at him . Thankyou Lubrican ! ! ! That 's a brilliant story ! If you ever write a book please post the info here . Or a blog you might have . Its insane that I came across your work on this site so late ! I 'm absolutely loving it ! An excellent story ! A comment made by , I think a female reader , states she is left " wanting " ( paraphrasing ) ; however , the pursuit and sating of Julie and her captured lover is accomplished . If anything is " lacking " it would be the story is romantic in fact and style , and as any good novel would do the story should continue into the lives of these young lovers - - the readers are rooting for them to forever remain lovers ! The reader 's don 't have the wherewhithal to make the future lives of Julie and Morton sprout , blossom and bloom ; however , those feats could be accomplished by another chapter from Lubrican ! |
Lic . M . Antonia Martorell Poveda , Professor , Department of Nursing , University Rovira I Virgili , Tarragona , Spain . Guest Researcher , Department of Anthropology , School of Humanities UAEM , Chernavaca , Mexico . Guest Researcher , CIESAS , Mexico City . I arrived in Huehuetla the afternoon of November 5 , a day after my birthday , after more than nine hours of travel and others more of waiting in the TAPO bus terminal in Mexico City , and in the van which brought me from Zacapoaxtla through the final kilometers of my journey . Though buses from there to Huehuetla depart with relative frequency , they usually go overflowing with people and freight . If one wishes to make the trip seated , it is best to claim a seat well ahead or to be in it a least an hour before departure . Being aware of this " functioning " I settled in a window seat to wait for the bus to leave . I sat there for an hour and a half while I admired and contemplated the scenes that were taking place around me . A lady selling tortillas seated in front of a market stall , men chatting about the forthcoming municipal elections , children running in the street , three Indian women who climbed onto the bus loaded down with bundles and a newborn baby , the young lawyer carrying a chestnut colored briefcase , or the pharmacist who was shipping some boxes with merchandise for his drug store . Finally , around four o ' clock , the bus started up . The trip took four and a half hours , the least amount of time , usuallly , when nothing holds it up . I arrived at a rainy Huehuetla , in the dark , and frankly tired . I remember that through the final kilometers , one thought ran through my head : " if there be one place in the world where a person could be lost , without doubt it would be Huehuetla . " Right away I met my husband who was waiting for me and other companions - Pacho , Raúl , Fidel and Cruz . I rested for a while and left my few belongings in my hotel room . The hotel , still under construction , had been open to the public for just six months . Pacho suggested the possibility that we might go to visit Guillermina in her house . Some time before , he had spoken with me about this woman and about various aspects of her life . In this way , that same night I met the old lady with whom I would spend some hours each day during my weeklong stay in Totonac country . Guillermina 's dwelling was not easy to get to . Surrounded by trees , it sat on rocky ground several feet lower than the street . Moreover , in the house were to be found two dogs , three cats , and a bunch of chickens running around . With no windows to open its outside walls , it was constructed of wood - poles and planks . The house consisted of one dirt floored room divided into different spaces by the disposition of its few furnishings . It lacked running water and was lit by just one light bulb . On the left side , firewood was piled - necessary for cooking and for heating the house . On the right , a cabinet with shelves stored cans , bottles , and boxes of long expired medicines and other old bits of stuff . Next to this , Guillermina has her ancient sewing machine in which she stores thread , needles , and some eggs which her chickens have laid . Above it she has hung a photograph of her uncle . In the back , one finds a little bed " protected " by a wooden crucifix decorated with white cloth flowers and a large print of the Sacred Heart of Jesus . Beneath her bed , she has a large old box full of clothes dampened by the lack of sunlight . A few inches away from the bed there is another shelved cabinet which separates the " bedroom " from the " kitchen . " In it , too , boxes , cans , and pieces of cloth are heaped up . In the kitchen there is a little square table on which Guillermina presses out her tortillas or prepares food for the animals . The back of this space is lined with a yellow oilcloth . The center of the kitchen is filled by a hearth built over a cubicle of stones on which there are four griddles of various sizes for ccooking tortillas . Sharing this space some clay jars hang , and some bowls and jugs . Next to the fire , on the left , she uses two tubs of water for washing dishes and her hands . To the right , on top of a chair , she has arranged three covered pots which contain meat seasoned with salt to preserve it . Above this chair are hung a few meters of rolled up wire , a soup ladle , a saucepan , some old coffee pots and a fan for the cookfire . The space is bounded by another piece with shelves and lower doors which protect a bag of powdered milk , a chunk of sweet roll wrapped in paper and other kitchen wares from the claws of the cat , and other cookware . The furnishings are completed by another long table covered with blue oilcloth and a few more chairs . That night , as soon as we entered the house , Guillermina offered a chair to each of us , fanned the coals of the cookfire , and put her coffee pot on to heat . She looked for cups and glasses , and took the bag of powdered milk and the sweet roll from the old cabinet . She cut up a few pieces and invited us to take coffee and rolls . All the days that I was with her , she was accustomed to always offer me a big cup of café con leche . I felt that I couldn 't refuse and drank with certain fearful scruples proper to the Western mentality which has been alerted to the possible risks to health derived from inadequately hygienic drinks and foods . Nevertheless , at the same time , I felt that this constituted part of my own rite of initiation into an " authentic " anthropological field trip . That being so , I thought " that which must be will be . " Guillermina was born in the year 1921 in Huehuetla . She says that because of that she is Totonac . Actually , she speaks Spanish and the indigenous language [ Totonac ] with equal fluency . She explains that until recently she didn 't know her exact age . When her father abandoned her , her mother , and her younger sister , he took her birth certificate . The arrival of a Catholic priest signified , for this elderly lady , the possibility of clarifying her doubt about the date of her birth . Now , with a certain pride , she says , " now I know that I am 77 years old . " Short , with a light complexion and bowlegged , Guillermina walks rather quickly , given her age . Through her wrinkled skin and deep facial creases peer her small black eyes with a rather sad gaze . Her thin grey hair , stained yellowish by shampoo , she wears in two fine braids knotted together and gathered on top of her head . She wears a dress of a blue so faded that it appears almost white on top of which she wears a blue checked apron . She is shod with little rubber shoes , also of blue , which leave her small feet uncovered . For jewelery she has some gold earrings . Her knowledge of Totonac brings her one hundred pesos a week when she acts as an interpreter for the doctor who comes from Cuetzalan every Sunday . Eggs from her chickens are also a source of income , using them to pay for things as though they were money . Other than these means , I know of no other possible income . Her diet never lacks tortillas , which she makes herself , to which she adds an egg or piece of meat when she has them . A large cup of coffee or of café con leche and a slice of sweet roll can complete her diet . Her considerable preoccupation for those which surround her is illustrated by the haste with which she feeds her dogs , cats , and chickens before she eats . Her daily routine commences early . As soon as she gets up , if her resources permit it , she prepares a dish of dried tortillas for the dogs , a little milk for the cats , and scatters grain for the chickens . Followed almost always by some dogs , she takes to the street towards the house where the doctor holds his weekly consulting , greeting in Spanish or Totonac all those whom she meets on the way and perhaps buying a few banannas or tomatoes . Her daily work is to straighten up and clean the consulting office . She sweeps the floor and dusts the typewriter and the shelves of medicines . She arranges the curtains and changes the sheets of the examining table . When she is done , she can return to her home or hang around to chat with doña Lydia or some other woman friend . She says that she is used to going to be early , at nightfall . Sometimes she goes to wash clothes in a little stream and spreads them to dry in the sun there . On Sundays , after the doctor arrives , she bathes and changes her clothes . I was able to share many of these moments during my stay in Huehuetla . The day after meeting me , Guillermina offered to teach me one of her greatest " secrets " : how to weave a napkin . She says that nobody around there knows how to make them in the way her mother taught her . In this way , I felt honored by this privelege and " obligated " to complete that task during the week . Even so , I must say that I was unable to finish it until I returned once again to my house . Now , this napkin guards my grateful memory of those days with Guillermina and forms part of an experience which I hope I shall never forget . My anthropological training dictated that I keep a daily record , as detailed as possible , of the time I spent with Guillermina . Thus , on the day after my arrival I was able to record a conversation in which she explained to me some episodes in her life that were very significant for her . The interview wasn 't lengthy and was often interrrupted by barking dogs or by visits from friends or neighbors . Still , it seemed to me to present the idea of " ill - fated love " which has marked the existence of this elderly lady . Rather than narrate her story , I have prefered to transcribe here her own words , trying to give voice to the real protagonist of this story . To provide continuity , I have removed the questions which I sporadically addressed to her , and I have used " made up " expressions within parentheses to make up for these omissions . Yes , well I didn 't grow up with my dad . I grew up with an uncle because they didn 't like the life my mother had . She was very delicate . And they knew that my dad had a lot of women , though they were Indian - skirted . Yes , yes . And they really liked him , for he was a secretary and they took advantage of him , I think . And my uncles got mad and brought mama back . We grew up with my uncle . My mama worked a lot . Yes , and that one , sometimes she got us up at three in the morning to grind corn for the workers ' tortillas . Also she had to go and harvest coffee in the groves when it was harvest time . ( The harvest ) started around October . In September there was some and in October there started to be more . Now there hasn 't been much coffee , but then there was . When the workers came , we gave them lunch . At six they went to the " rancho " , to Xilocoyo an hour from here . And there , around ten o ' clock , we went to leave them some tacos . Sometimes I went on horseback , and where it was steep I got down because I didn 't know how to ride very well . But I did go on horseback . And when we arrived at the rancho we had to load up the animals . Before the coffee was … in crates . They didn 't sell it by the kilo like they do now . Before they sold it by the cratefull . Yes , and we had some crates full of kerosine . And I helped load up the animals . I was a strong one . Yes , helped load up the animals , keeping them from kicking . And filled sacks . Since there were bananna plants , each of us carried a whole stalk . We ended up with our backs really bent up , tired out . It was heavy and far away . And we still had to grind corn , to feed the workers their supper . Ah , no ! I tell you that we ate well , I wouldn 't say we didn 't , but we really worked . Ay , yes ! We suffered a lot , really … really . ( My sister was there ) also . But since she was littler , they gave her more consideration . My mom and I were the ones who worked the most because she was still little and they didn 't make her work much . But me , yes . I was about fifteen years old . I did go to school . But before , it wasn 't required . If you wanted to go you did , if not you didn 't . And they brought a teacher who was pretty heavy handed . Later , I said to my mama , I 'm not going to school . Why ? Because the teacher gets so mad . " So don 't go , " mama told me . She agreed with me . Yes , poor mommy , so agreeable . And we didn 't go , and another teacher came and another just the same . We were studying and stayed in the same grade . A month or two months , sometimes three months . It wasn 't like now when there are requirements and you have to go to school or you can 't get work or … . well , you have to be well educated , but before , no . Before , there was no rigor , no requirements . Yeah . And they never hit me . They did hit my sister . Who knows why ( they hit her ) , but me , no , not me . I went off to the ranch . One day she was like the sainted Jesus . She was shoved into the fireplace and her nose was bloodied . ( It was ) my uncle . Because , I don 't know . She was very delicate and I said she should … . They brought her a little kitten for a gift , and the cat ran away , and … . ( She looks up at some oranges hanging in a cabinet and says , " The oranges are molding , aren 't they ? They 're molding and are going to fall down " ) … . and they said to her : go get the cat that ran away . " Oh ! I 'm not a cat herder , " she said . Jesus ! She shouldn 't have said that , for they grabbed her ear and threw her over to ( she acts out the movements as though she had lived them ) . My mother cried , in secret , at seeing how cruel they were to my sister . My uncle was very cruel . ( This uncle of mine was ) a brother ( of my mother ) . Yes , he was very cruel . Right , he treated her badly , but not me . I didn 't grumble . They ordered me about and I said , " I 'm coming , " trembling with anger , but I came . Yeah , to not show my anger . And that one , she , the poor thing , she didn 't know , like they say , how to take care of herself . Right ? They annoyed her or something , and later she couldn 't keep it in and said " No , I 'm not a cat herder , " she said . And just for that he grabbed her ear and threw her out . Mama cried to see how they were treating the poor girl , little thing , still skinny . Now she 's like a bull , good and fat , really fat . And her , she grew up and went off with a man , still really young . She went off . More or less about then ( when I was fifteen or sixteen ) . And this man took her off , he had her . But a woman , one of my cousins , also loved that man . And that one said , " Ay get her out of here . She talks to him like she is talking to me . And she went away to get my cousin . And they brought her to my mom . But ( she makes a gesture with her hands over her belly ) her belly was already swollen . And they beat her like one beats a snake . Ay Jesus , no more of this . I asked God that they shouldn 't beat her any more . I said the baby is going to die , and that one is Roberto Ojeda . You went to see him , right ? I said this baby is going to die . ( So Roberto was ) my sister 's child . She is my sister because she is my mother 's daughter , but she had a different father . But I respect her as a sister . And they beat her a lot . Even now she tells me , they don 't love me , she says . Uncle Serafín doesn 't love me , she says , and beat me a lot , she says . But I don 't know , I don 't know why , I tell her . I don 't know . They didn 't hit me or even punish me . It 's because I didn 't hang out in the street , I didn 't talk [ with boys out there ] . I think that 's why , why they didn 't punish me . They didn 't say anything to me . But yes , mama made us grind corn . I was strong . Made us grind corn until our hands ached . My wrist is like this because of holding the grinding stone . They didn 't have grinding machines like now . Now they go off with their corn to the corn mill . Yes , but before there weren 't any . Mom didn 't even like the hand grinders because the tortillas they make smell of iron . She didn 't like those grinders . She liked to grind corn on a grindestone to make " clean " tortillas . Yeah , that 's how we were brought up . And me , I feel well … . . proud of myself . I don 't know why they brought me very good clothes and why they bought me gold jewelery ( she gazes at the photo of her uncle which hangs on the wall of her house ) . He didn 't have children . He wasn 't married , and he bought me my gold ear rings . And I went when they had processions at the school , well I was really elegant . Like I said , poor , but with gold ear rings . I had big ones , but my sister took them away from me , but , well , she is my sister . And that 's where they ended up . She took them away , you could say , in secret . She was angry because they bought me nice things and good clothes but for her , poor thing , they bought very plain clothes , very humble . But that 's not my fault ! Not me . My uncle wanted it that way . Yes , I never disobeyed him . They sent us to grind corn and we came back worn out , like I said , with our backs all bent over . And our backs and our necks ached . You can see what a bananna stalk weighs carried in a mecapal , a Totonac carrying frame , and that tired me out a lot , but we still went to grind corn . Our body sweaty , we ground corn for the workers ' tortillas , early , and without complaints . We went off to the grinding stone like little sheep . Without a word because my uncle was touchy , really touchy ! He had his ranch alright and , well , nevermind that he mistreated us with so much work , but we ate well , very well . There was always meat , always milk and bread - we always had bread . By eleven , we were taking our coffee with bread and with milk . Yes , everyone , not just separate for my uncle , all of us had our coffee with milk , even my sister . I don 't know why he didn 't love her much . She was kind of sloppy and I think that is why he hated her . And I felt sad about it , but what could I say to him ? I could only feel anguished about it . And him , when he hit my sister one time and like I said , she swelled up and had a bloody nose , my mom cried . And what could we do to my uncle . We couldn 't fight him . We were living in his house . His house here . It was his house and we were all together there . Mama had a house in the center of town , but my aunt , my mother 's sister , took it away from her . She took it away from her saying that we were women and she had men , and that 's why she wanted the house . And mom wasn 't ambitious . ( She let her have ) the house . Yes , she said , that 's how we 'll leave the house , and we went there ( to the uncle 's ranch ) . I tell you , we suffered a lot . I suffered morally at seeing how they treated my sister and without being able to say anything about it , nothing , nothing at all . ( My mother ) , they treated her well . She , well , she didn 't know . She didn 't ever see what they were doing with her daughter , but she held it all in . She held in her resentment . We suffered . One suffers and one learns . And we had left the house , but José Robertto fought with me a lot , a lot he fought with me . It 's Pedro José Roberto Ojedo . His real name is Robert . We called him José after my mama who was Josefina . We suffered a lot from this one . And when my sister got pregnant , we went out secretly looking for my uncle Serafín because he wouldn 't want to see her like that . Then the baby was born . And I loved that little boy very much . Since I was fat , sometimes we went to a fiesta and I said let 's go and watch for a while . I said to her , let 's go . And I carried the baby because I was fat and I could wrap him up and nobody could see that I had a baby . Yes , I said , it isn 't the baby 's fault that he has come to suffer in this world . We loved him so much ! A whole lot . But nevermind . God knows . ( She cries ) . My uncle wasn 't political . No way would he get involved . He was always working . He didn 't go out around town , just worked . He was a mechanic . Always working . Never out and about . No - when were we going to go out ? He wouldn 't let us , neither me nor my sister . Never ( she says heatedly ) . They were godparents and at times they went to become godparents at a wedding . They went to the party and left us behind wrapped up like piglets , sleeping . No , they wouldn 't say to us , Let 's go . They didn 't want to , so we didn 't get to go . It isn 't like … . . like they were obligated to go , no . They threw us out to sleep like piglets . We didn 't know what time they came back . Yes , they went out to the parties . Before , they were very strict . Not now . When could girls walk around and talk to boys in the street ? Yes , when ? We couldn 't see that we could . I got to where I wrote a letter to ask my uncle . And my uncle said , well , he said , now you 're thinking that you 're going to get married . I don 't know what you want nor who you want to marry ? I really don 't know . I don 't know who you want to marry . I hadn 't talked with any man . He said , who have you been talking to ? Not with anyone , I told him , I don 't know . Well , my uncle was satisfied . Well , I hadn 't talked with anybody . And one day , they sent me a letter inside a cup ( ? Pocillo ) . They gave me a cup and there was a letter inside it . Well , I showed the letter to my mom : here it is , you can see what it is . She showed it to my uncle . He said , you haven 't been talking with anybody ? No , not me , I don 't know anything about it . Maybe that 's why that one never hit me or punished me , because I told him everything and didn 't keep secrets , because otherwise it would cost me my share of things . And because he didn 't hit me , I told him . I hadn 't been talking with anybody . And he agreed with my mother and father . Uncle Serafin was like my father . And he never beat me . I worked hard and took care of everything . Especially in harvest time when there was a lot of work to do . But , … . . well not anymore . Now there is no ranch . My mother sold it because my sister … . When she got married there in Puebla , Consuelo , she didn 't really get marrried , they just lived together , I think , because we didn 't find out that they ever married . She sent word that … well , that she had left the house and didn 't need to be there anymore . And they sold the ranch in order to give the money to my sister . Yes , my mother helped her . ( My uncle ) died . He had advised us . He said , Take good care of the little boy ( that is , of Pedro José Roberto ) . Take good care of the boy because he will have to look to you , he said . After not loving him he came and said to my mother , take good care of the boy . He 'll have to look to you . But for sure , we took care of him . And everything came to an end . First my uncle died and then my mother from a … from a stroke . She became mute and couldn 't talk . ( She was ) that way for two weeks , two weeks , and at the end of two weeks she died . But she became thin , so thin . Ay , death is so sad ! So sad , but we do what we can . It is God 's law : to be born and to die . What are we going to do ? Who is going to go against God ? My mother was from Guaacan and wore Indian clothes . She was from here , from the state of Puebla , a Totonac , but she spoke Spanish . I don 't know about my grandparents . I didn 't know them . I didn 't know them . Nor the grandparents on my father 's side . I grew up without a single grandparent . Now I ended up alone , the two of us , Roberto and I , there in my mother 's house . ( But later on ) I was saddened by being summoned to the city hall . There he asked that we divide up . He wanted the whole house ( she means the house in town which belonged to Guillermina 's mother . ) And so we divided it in half . They gave half to me and the other half for him . And then he got married . That 's how we grew up and then José got married to that girl and I had to separate from them because we were having a terrible life because of that girl . Maybe José Roberto hadn 't made her understand , for they had . . she had become very rude . They were really losing money because mama was suffering from a week heart and they were operating on her in Puebla . Who knows how they lost all their money or where they could have left it . It seems to have been inside a suitcase full of clothers . I castigated them and said , Maybe you stole the money and didn 't want to give me any of it . The poor guy didn 't have any money . It was in the suitcase and who would have put it someplace ? Who knows ? I didn 't see it . I can 't justify it . I think that resentment stayed with him because I had castigated him . And I ? Mama is sick , is in Puebla , is getting worse and needs the money . It wasn 't much , about 300 pesos in those days , but it was always necessary to send her money and what was I going to send ? That 's what the money was for . I think it ended up with him . And now it 's all gone . It 's going to be eighteen years that I 've been here , not even twenty . Now it 's a long time that I 've been here . Don Ramón understood that I had a bad life . He was a millionaire , really a millionaire . He told me , I have brought the deed and I 'm going to take care of it for you , because they 're going to scare you out of there , José said . Well , you 're a millionaire , so what am I to do , I said . Sell the house is what I 'll have to do . He sold it for me and he said that I could stay here . He asked for the deed that Don Ramón was going to take care of and sold my house . I got left here ( she refers to the house where she lives now ) but he didn 't give me papers , didn 't give me a receipt . Ay , I tell you I have suffered . You haven 't suffered like that , have you ? This just happens to poor people . Poor thing . Ay , what pain ! I came to the house and there he stayed with his wife . Maybe that wife wasn 't in love with himn . I don 't know . She began to act very badly , badly the both of them , you hear ? Very - I don 't know , I don 't understand - very treacherous . I had a girl servant and she gave him a baby , and this woman of Josés beat that girl . And she stood for it , poor thing . I said , it 's your fault . You weren 't blind . You knew he had a woman . ( And the woman ) treated me like a pimp , like a sneak , as they say . I couldn 't stand for all this . I said no , I 'm not a pimp . But José wasn 't telling me that he was going to see the girl . I wasn 't there . I was working with Don Ramón , with Dr . Ramón . And when I came back , she was this way ( she gestures to show a pregnant woman . ) So the child was born and was named Julia , I tell you . I intend to dedicate myself to working and taking care of the child . I said , Don 't go . Be here . I 'm working and you be here , I say , here in this house and take care of the child . You will see when it needs to be changed and you will change it . That 's how you 'll take care of it . You 'll take good care of it . That little one was nice looking , not ugly , nice looking , and light skinned , light skinned . I came to the house and he was there with his wife . Who knows what happened to that wife who is dead now , and young she was . She wasn 't well . Poor thing . They brought her when she was thirteen , young and still little . And she has some pretty daughters , adorable they were . With a figure like yours . They married and I don 't know where they might be . And the girls were big , too . And that 's where we ended up , him on one side and I on the other . Ay God , life is sad , very sad . We were well off , well off . But he got to be bad . It was " nerves " I think , but I don 't know . I always remember the sadness . It makes me sad because he was always ordering my mother : to bring things , to go to bed , to get up . We separated for once and all ( she sighs and cries ) and as for the wife , I don 't know . He didn 't want to look out for anyone . [ Si , pero ahí estarí de Dios , conformarse . ] It isn 't that I want to speak ill of him , because he is family . I really loved him , but then what happened . He changed a lot , a lot ( she continues to sob ) . That was my destiny . There isn 't anything to say about it ( she sighs , sobs , and cries ) . It makes me sad , but there 's nothing we can do about it . What am I to do ? Yes , I 'm living here , but they didn 't give me any papers . That 's the bad part . Until this day they haven 't said anything to me . It was the real wife who also didn 't live with Don Ramón . I ran her off , he says . She left thirty four years ago . She was left with a daughter , but she raised her . I said what were we going to do if they were going to sell this place or do something else . I don 't know about that , she says . I don 't know how things ended up with Don Ramón . Don Ramón sold my house for me and didn 't give me a receipt , I said . I didn 't trust her . They can make me run , tell her . I 'll have to sleep in the plaza . I don 't know how I 'm going to do it . And she said to me no , no I 'm not going to put you out for anything . So far , they haven 't bothered . I think because I 've been here so long . Ive been here a long time . The kids were little and now they 've gone , Julia 's children who grew up here with me . They were here for fourteen years . And after fourteen years they got angry . They turned bad and told me … . who knows what ? I don 't remember now . And I said , now I can 't I think it was one of the Pantaleones ( ? ) who fixed things up quickly . I was working but I couldn 't . And he said if you don 't want to do it , don 't do it , and who knows what . And , well , he turned bad . " You know , old lady , I 'm not attacking you or running away from you . I 'm going , he said . I 'm not attacking or running . So let him go , that bad one . He left . He choose his saints day , the second of May , to get up at three in the morning and leave . Remember you ran me out on the second of May , he said . I didn 't chase you out , sonny , your violence ran you out , I told him . You are very violent . You get like José , very violent . You didn 't drink He didn 't drink . He was very msall then . If he didn 't drink , he was fine . But sometimes he got mad . There was another brother , Pablo , this one didn 't talk , he didn 't say anything . He was very quiet . Yes , a good kid . They 're all good , except at times . They do have their times . We all have our … . . they spend our energy . No , I tell you there are times when the bad things come to you and there are times when the good things come . There 's always a little of everything . Since Julia left , I have been alone , alone . Nobody stays with me . And I counted on her . I wanted , because when they went to school and when they graduated from primary school , I gave each one of them … . I had things from my mother . I gave a golden medal to each of them . I liked it that they graduated from school . And maybe over time they 'll make up with me and look after me . They come to visit me . But that 's not sufficient . Sometimes I think I shouldn 't have given those things . They are my mother 's things and why should I give them away . And I gave them , what a thing . They 've got them now . They 've got them there . They were golden medals of that old gold . I have a ring that was given to me . There was a ring with ear rings . They took them from my mother and I put on the ring and ear rings . They said to me , No , it 's going to take you , to take you , you are going to be terrified . No , I have never been afraid , no have they come for me . And they said that I was going to be frightened by the ear rings . Let 's hope they don 't come . I haven 't even dreamed about it . And that 's all of it . |
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